#i have a good network rn and i feel extremely lucky!!!

[cloudcastor]

I had a minor surgery/procedure today I was super nervous about but everything went well!!! everyone was so attentive and nice, it made the experience an absolute breeze and I felt really comfortable and reassured ;;_;; couldn't ask for a better care team!!!

just got a couple days of healing ahead but super blown away...just had to share it out into the world!!! the care team even wrote me a handwritten note and added it in to my stuff ;;_;;

there has been A LOT of personal stuff going on the last couple months but finally getting to chip away at stuff, and getting medical providers that are helping eith the burden... I'm extremely lucky and thankful to have that experience !!!! can’t wait to get back to art…. can’t wait to hopefully feel some kind of relief soon!

[fairycosmos]

do you also do this thing where you set yourself x amount of time to like, kill yourself? i'm like 'i'll kill myself tomorrow, in a week, etc etc'. and also where you constantly plan and wonder how to do it? like everything i see i wonder if i can use it and how and it obsesses me. i just want to die man

i go through phases of doing that, it's suicidal ideation, yours also sounds like suicidal fixation :( it's awful. i think part of me thinks that if the end is a. coming soon and b. in my control then life will suddenly become more bearable. it's never the case really. i had it pinned at new years for like half of last year, didn't work out, was actually just even more traumatizing. turns out trying to die is actually physically pretty hard and survival instinct is a fucking bitch anyway. its frustratingly more pathological than depression, and those moments where you actually are able to act on your thoughts are usually so intense that they don't last, none of it is built to last. but i understand it's completely exhausting nonetheless. ANYWAY my point is yeah i definitely know what you mean and a lot of people do. it's a very scary place to be in mentally, i'm really sorry. when you're dealing with mental illness and completely disenfranchised by life and the future it's easier than ppl realize to slip into an obsession w death/suicide, but the fact that you have the self awareness to realize its worrying and unhealthy is a really good sign. are you in regular contact w a mental health professional rn? if not i think you could really benefit (even tho ik you don't want to hear that but like, honestly) and if you already are, have you been open about having these thoughts? if you're worried about money you can usually find a therapist w a flexible schedule and sliding scale price to fit around your financial needs. i am completely aware that asking someone to fight for their life and stability when all they can think of is throwing it away is kind of a long shot, but at the end of the day you do deserve better than this. and it really sounds like you need to talk this out w someone who is trained to show you how to map out and cope with your specific brain. finding out why you feel the way you do and analysing root causes, implementing coping mechanisms into ur daily routine, having a care plan, even just having someone to talk to......they r not cures but they do mitigate the damage and make it a little easier to carry. obviously i understand that you've probably been dealing with shit i cant even fathom and i know being vulnerable abt this is a super daunting idea, but i'm just asking you to keep it in consideration for now. and know that it is always an option for you, that you aren't alone. and that you deserve to have a support network, and that these states of mind are often transient even if they are also extremely heavy and hard to handle. it's the worst though, i know. if it all feels like to much please just focus on getting through the next five minutes, that my go to. if thats too much, then the next minute. it's all that exists to us rn anyway. if you ever feel like you're an immediate danger to yourself, please call a loved one, a hotline or a professional as soon as you can. try to get yourself on autopilot, disregard what your brain is spewing and get on the phone to someone. ofc that's way easier said than done but i really hope if it comes to that you're able to do the right thing for yourself even if everything in you is demanding the opposite. ur life has inherent worth and the world is lucky to have you. sending a lot of love.

[nicasiia]

how do you get over someone you are in love with?

(sorry this took ten years, I’m a tax pro and I’m working 70 hour weeks rn like I barely have time to eat or shower lol)

- You won’t. Not for a while. You have to accept that. Open yourself up to the hurt. Feel every bit of it. Grieve the way you would if someone had died, as if you had lost them, because you did. The worst thing you can do is try to not feel that hurt. It won’t go anywhere. It demands to be felt and until you do, it’ll only fester. Only rot away at your insides.

- Stay busy.

- Write things down as they come to you. Remind yourself of things you need reminding of. I kept a journal after my breakup and it wasn’t a detailed description of my feelings. It was just notes jotted down, thoughts I had as they occured to me if they helped.

- Watch tv, read books, watch movies, write new characters, have conversations, make a new playlist, reach out into the world until you find something else to give your heart to.

- Take this opportunity to look back and see what you gave up for that person. Did you pay less attention to your family? You friends? Did you spend less time on yourself? Reclaim your time and put your focus back where it belongs. Pay back the love that will never let you down. Be good to your friends. Say yes when your brother asks for help with something. Have coffee with your mom. Hang out with your friends after work. Your heart needs more than romantic love, nurture love from every angle it comes to you.

- Spoil the hell out of yourself. All the ways you wanted to be good to her, be good to you. Sleep in. Take yourself out for lunch. Spend an afternoon in the library. Go shopping. Be proud of yourself and write yourself love notes. Take hella cute selfies and post them to insta.

- Do not fall into the trap of nostalgia. Every time the ache gets to be too much and you pick up the phone thinking you gunna text her and try to...no. Don’t do it. Remind yourself of all the reasons why this doesn’t work. Of all the things this person does that hurt you. If they can’t just adore you after all your effort, either they don’t deserve you or neither of you are in the place for this to happen so don’t try to make it happen. Probably both.

- Trust that it’ll get better. It will. It’ll take a while and it’ll hurt every damn day for months before you feel better but it will get better and it’s worth it on the other side.

Disclaimer: I am extremely lucky. I have a job I love that keeps me very busy. I don’t have to take too much shit at work. I work for the most successful office in the region and I’m very fucking good at what I do, and I’m lucky enough to have that success (both at a personal level and office level) recognized by my peers and my superiors often. My family is close, affluent and we live in a quiet, pretty neighborhood in a quiet, pretty beachside town. I have a reliable car at my disposal whenever needed. I have a strong support network of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. It’s not fair for me to try and prescribe what’s worked for me to everyone because not everyone has that good of a situation to fall back on. I hope I can help with this list but ultimately, you just have to believe you’re strong enough to get through this and refuse to let it kill you, no matter how much it hurts. xoxo