#i have a feeling i already know how this is gonna go but im still curious
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sturniolo04 Ā· 24 hours ago
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No Nut November M.S.
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Bf!Matt x Gf!Fem!Reader
A/N: If you don't like the preadded name in my stories, you can either add your own name or not read it; it's up to you :)
A/n: in honor of it being November 30 weā€™re not gonna talk about how Iā€™m late to the party!
dividers: @bernardsbendystraws
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You and matt knew this was coming. you guys do it you every year and every year you two never get through the 30 days. Which brings you to now, November 1st.
"baby we have to make it the full 30 this year"
matt groans out to you as you are leaning on your tippy toes hugging him as he allows his palms to rest on your ass. The first not so smart move he made
"hey thats not my fault you couldnt keep it in your pants on day 26"
you retaliate as you huff out leaning your head back as matt rolls his eyes at the memory.
" okay yeah i know but seriously this year because the last thing I need is for Chris to rub it in my face that he has more self control sexually than me with Brynn"
he groans out as you giggle at his reaction.
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"baby what do yu think of this outfit"
you state as you let in into the dressing room with you after putting on the outfit.
"it looks good"
matt simply states back to you admiring you as you check yourself out in the dressing room mirror. Matt had been already genuinely struggling with this whole no sex , no getting himself off even thing for the whole month, why? Simple he has a girlfriend that he cant keep his hands off of and keeping his hands off has proven to be his downfall each year.
"c'mere"
matt simply states needing something to relieve the pressure that he knew was building up. You turn to look at him as he carefully grabs your hand and pulls you over to him as you sit down on his lap, not thinking too much of it because he is your boyfriend right
"Matthewww"
you gasp quietly not trying to be too loud since you two were in the dressing room still. Looking at him giggling you ultimately feeling the problem.
"i knoww"
he groans out allowing his head to lean against the wall. of the dressing room.
"its only day 15 babe come on get up"
you giggle standing up off of his lap as he quickly places his hands over his lap.
"in a minute i have to wait for this to go away"
he groans out with his head still leaning back fluttering his eyes closed.
"how long is that going to take we are in the dressing room and we have to go home"
you ask knowing it takes him and his friend a good 20 minutes to get it together.
"i dont know it's starting to hurt"
he huffs out exhaling deeply looking up at you.
"just tuck it or something"
you giggle at yourself even having to say that sentence to him as he complies.
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"Babyy go put some pants on"
you whine out realizing he must have taken his pajama pants off in the middle of the night probably getting hot to be only left in his calvin kleins. You were starting to feel on edge already which you tend to be in the morning.
"why"
matt smirks knowing exactly why as he begins to stretch to go take a shower.
"dude seriously the fuck you mean why"
you whine out.
"babe im going to take a shower so I don't need them on and I'm eventually not going to need these on either"
matt states referring to his underwear as your face flushes with a shade of pink as the mental image you just got immediately reaching for the pillow you were laying on screaming into it.
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"Dude you need to handle that"
chris chuckles as matt finally makes his way out from his room only dressed in freshlove sweatpants.
"i cant"
matt huffs out looking down to see the problem area running a frustrated hand through his messy bed head from his nap.
" im fully convinced you get horny every hour of the day"
chris chuckles seeming to not have the same struggle as his older brother.
"well no shit dumb ass you and brynn like never made it to that base yet"
matt huffs crossing his arms.
"Matt Chris"
you shout coming downstairs from Nick's room running up to matt and jumping up in his arms.
"hey my love"
matt greets you as he catches you his palms landing on your ass as you were clothed in navy blue nike pro shorts and the corresponding fresh love hoodie that you swiped from him that match the sweatpants he was currently wearing.
" what are you guys talking about"
you question the pair as you rest your head on matt's shoulder.
"oh nothing just how your boyfriend gets horny every single hour of everyday"
chris laughs out as you look at matt with his check flushed with a deep shade of pink.
"shut the fuck up"
matt groans out as he leans down with you still in his arms.
"dont drop me"
you squeal out tightening your grip around his neck
ā€œGod i would neverā€™
Matt groans out as your ass slightly rubs up against him.
ā€œOh my goodness Matthewā€
You giggle leaning you head in the crook of his neck leaving a loving kiss on his shoulder.
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ā€œWhat movie are we watching love birdsā€
Nick asks as you all are in the living room having your normal Friday movie night.
ā€œI have no clue we could watch back to the future or somethingā€
Chris suggests as brynn his girlfriend sits down next to him with their designated blanket.
ā€œThatā€™s fine with me where is your loverā€
Nick chuckles asking Matt.
ā€œRight here I had to change into comfortable clothesā€
You states sighing you walk into the common space closing the bathroom door behind you as you begin to walk over in your pajama shorts to take your spot next to your boyfriend on the couch.
ā€œDo we need a blanketā€
You ask Matt softly as he places a loving grip on you bare thigh as Nick and Chris bicker about what movie we should watch tonight. Matt secretly ļæ¼loves that you decided to wear your pajama shorts already feeling the sudden tightness in his plaid pajama pants from how perfect the bottoms showcase, your hips and ļæ¼ass.
ā€œ babyā€™
You question him again when you didnā€™t get a response. Matt quickly shifts his gaze towards you to make eye contact snapping him out of what it looked like a moment of deep thought from what you could read from his given facial expression.
ā€œ you Okayā€
You ļæ¼ ask as he lets out a deep sigh. Matt, finally, giving up and beginning to act on his intrusive thoughts, stand up from the couch, grabbing you by the waist and throwing you over his shoulder with his tattooed, arms tightly gripping your thighs ļæ¼ļæ¼
ā€œ Matthewwwļæ¼ where are we goingā€ļæ¼
You squeal out from the sudden action Play fully kicking your feet ļæ¼
ā€œ chrisā€™ you win I give up ā€œ
Matt quickly rushes out as he begins to walk towards his in your shared bedroom in the house. it was safe to say that you two decided not to put yourself through the November challenge ever again ļæ¼
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Taglist
@mintsturniolo @wh0resstuff @emely9274 @ksturnz @spicymuffins03 @dirtylittleheart333 @stayingstromboli
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sunsturns Ā· 6 hours ago
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in which: you wanted to make some mac and cheese but one thing lead to another and you canā€™t stop looking at your best friend in a rather non friendly way.
warnings: bsf!chris x reader, hyperfixation on chrisā€™ teeth/smile, allusions to a make out, kissingā€¦
notes: this was requested by anon!! here. (i canā€™t add links rn idk but iā€™ll link it whenever thatā€™s fixed šŸ˜­)
wc: 1.3k
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š“fter a long day of hanging out with chris and his brothers, nick and matt called it quits about fifteen minutes ago, each heading to their bedrooms. which ultimately, left you and chris alone. you both tended to be the most energetic out of the group, though that dynamic was quick to change whenever it was just the two of you. the air became hesitant almost. like you didn't know how to work off of each other's energy as well as you did others.
after a long beat of silence, you got up out of your seat on the couch, and headed towards the kitchen. your stomach was starting to feel empty, it was almost like you were nervous, and it didn't make sense because why were you nervous? chris was your best friend. "i'm gonna go make some mac and cheese, want some?"
chris turned and looked over the back of the couch, looking like he was thinking a little too hard about it. he eventually concluded looking back at the tv, "nah, i'm good."
you pulled the mac and cheese box from out of the cupboard, following the instructions that were already engraved in your head at this point. it was a simple recipe. everything was going fine, you found the pot, and filled it with water, but when you went to ignite the stove, the flame wouldn't start. immediately you call for the only person up at the moment who could help,
"chris! how do you work this fucking thing?!"
he unwillingly pulled himself off of the couch and walked over to the stove, shrugging his shoulders, "i don't know, your guess is as good as mine."
"you mean you don't know how to work your own stove?" you asked with disbelief, and a slight hint of disappointment. how long has he lived here? and still didn't know how to work his own stove?
"what? you think i cook?" he said furrowing his eyebrows at you, and breaking out one of his breath taking smiles.
he seemed to find the situation really funny, but you just couldn't look away from his smile. you never could. there was always something about the way it just lit up his face that made your heart pump slightly faster. you were very aware that he was your best friend, but sometimes when he smiled like that, you just wish there could be more.
"you know your teeth are very pretty." you were so engulfed with his smile that you didn't realize those words actually left your mouth. not until you noticed his reaction. he was completely taken aback, unknowing on how you just said something like that to him.
chris replied with a questioning "thanks?"
there was an awkward beat of silence before you attempted to explain yourself, "no, seriously everytime i see you smile i'm like woah," you paused thinking real hard about what you had just said, "is that weird?"
he thought about that sentence for a second then replied with, "coming from you? kinda."
"what do you mean 'coming from me'?" you knew exactly what he meant though. the two of you have been best friends for the longest time. so it was very out of pocket for you to mention how pretty his teeth looked, especially when it was just you and him like this. it felt too intimate for him and it scared him a little bit.
"i don't know," he took an exaggerated pause, then continued with the same shit he had just said, "yeah... i don't know."
the awkwardness only grew from there so you tried your hardest to make the atmosphere more lighthearted. "so im not allowed tell you that you have a pretty smile?" you accused him.
"i don't know!"
these "i don't know" answers were starting to push your buttons. why wasn't he just answering the questions? "so... what do you know?"
"i don't know." but instead of making you more agitated, he smiled once again. it just made you fall for it even more. you knew that he was doing it on purpose now and that he was doing it to mess with you.
"stop smiling like that! i'm gonna knock your teeth out!" you joked, grabbed a serving spoon that you got out earlier for the mac and cheese, aiming it at chris as you threatened him. he knew you were messing with him and he honestly found it cute.
his next sentence shocked you the most, not understanding what he meant by, "and what if i wanted that? then what? will you knock my teeth out?" he added on some kind of playful tone to his words, almost like he was mocking you. did he want you to knock his teeth out? was there some kind of hidden metaphor? what could that possibly mean?
you said the first thing that came to your mind, now heavily concerned with where this conversation was going. "i'd tell you that you're crazy and need your head screwed on tighter." without thinking, you rustled your hands through his hair jokingly.
there was a sudden change in the atmosphere, and his hands suddenly slid onto to your sides. the touch completely shocked you, as he slowly pulled you closer to him, and you surprisingly let him. so close you could see all his little freckles scattered across his nose, along with his pretty blue eyes. and not to mention, the smirk now plastered across his face as he said, "but i don't think i'm crazy."
instantly you felt one of his hands move up to hold the side of your face, watching as you reacted to every little thing he did. your eyes were wide, and a faint smile was forming on your face. every spot his hand touched felt like it had been ignited. it was confusing how he was making you feel like this. he was your best friend, so why did you guys have less than three inches between you two?
standing there, mentally unable to initiate anything, you decided to leave it up to him. but it ended up happening so quick and his lips were perfectly pressed against yours. his hand slid behind to the nape of your neck as he got more and more into the kiss.
it didn't take long for you to realize that you both worked surprisingly well together, it was like everything felt so right despite it seeming so wrong. how could you possibly be kissing your best friend right now?
you pulled away randomly, taking a well-needed breather. you were not entirely sure if you were going to regret this later or not, so you tried to find anything to give yourself a few seconds before anything else happened. and that's when you realized what you originally came in the kitchen to do, "my uhh... mac and cheese is waiting on me." you told him with a chuckle, adding a sarcastic frown.
you had no clue why you were doing this, especially when the only thing you wanted at the moments was to feel his hands around your waist and rustling throughout your hair. surprisingly, you also wanted a lot more than that.
"are you having doubts?" he asked, looking into your eyes, waiting for you to decide the next move this time.
"i just don't want to make a mistake, chris. i'm your best friend."
"well, let me tell you. i've been waiting for this day a lot longer than you think." he pushed a piece of hair out of your face.
you looked into his eyes, a big toothy smile coming from him and suddenly you found yourself thinking, "fuck the mac and cheese." as you carefully pulled his lips back onto yours, letting the night fade away into a perfect newfound moment between the two of you.
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a/n ! : this is my first fic on here!! lmk what you think? im aware its not the best thing youā€™ve ever readā€¦ itā€™s definitely not the best thing ive ever written either šŸ˜­
alsoā€¦ iā€™m sorry, but i wouldnā€™t expect a smutty part two or wtv bc i canā€™t write smut šŸ„² (shocker :D)
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simpjaes Ā· 8 hours ago
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how long do you like oc and jake keep messing around in serial sweetheart? if there are already asks about this, what is the tag because I would feel like shit for asking you questions you've already answered
*wiggles my grubby little fingers* idk if i've answered this before, but im gonna just say what's on my mind now even if i've said something previously to contradict it. im the author, i get to choose and change canon info at will. heuehueheue.
they do keep fucking around though if i were to ever continue it, it would likely end up being over 100k words of reader and jake going back and forth, breaking up several times even though they aren't dating due to pure guilt. but every single time they'd end up tangled together every chance they get. it would be really good sex too. Jake would likely still suffer the most knowing he's had you but you still run back and forth between him and his brother. i'd like to say everything falls apart when Sunghoon asks reader to marry him. By that point she'd, of course, have love for both hoon and his little brother. Things would be weird bc she doesn't immediately answer, and Sunghoon starts feeling really insecure about it. You'd start distancing yourself from going over there, and guess who he would confide in? that's right. our good ol jakey boy. Jake would be the one to drop the ball too. After all, that's his brother. He's living in his brother's home, eating his food, using his electricity, fucking the love of his life. Eventually, the pressure to keep secrets would weigh too heavy on him. You haven't talked to him since Sunghoon asked you to marry him, and from the looks of it, you've barely talked to hoon either. So, out of guilt, fear, and knowing that not only is he about to lose you, but so is his brother?? he snitches. It would get super messy. Lots of angst and emotion. You being pissed at Jake. Jake being apologetic but calling you out on your bullshit bc you both did that shit together. Sunghoon grilling you, kicking jake out, making him move back home without a second doubt. Lots of scenes of you alone in your apartment, even more scenes of Sunghoon by himself trying to come to terms with everything. then a scene of jake, after like three months, showing up at your place. and you're back to square one, like always when Jake is in front of you. kind of funny, really, that Sunghoon only texts a small "can we talk?" after months of ignoring you...when jake is between your legs again.
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fisherrprince Ā· 1 month ago
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Instead of writing a fanfic like a normal person this oneshot turned into two separate, contextless things,
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#sorry itā€™s how my brain works (sometimes can only see things in terms of tv scene-)#tumblr exclusive video fancyā€¦#dcmk#my art#(quietly coughing and spluttering) OK alright I can feel the creative brain explosion slowing down. geez#coughs.#nyways. weird that there hasnā€™t really been a main case where poison is involved in a certain way#If I watch my own scribbled boards for too long im gonna get too embarrassed to post. Send post#Subarus hair is still infuriating by the way like take that off your normal hair is easier. The beanie is easier#you like Have to have the side corners on this haircut or it doesnā€™t look right#anyways. shiho ptsd moments I think she kind of gets irritated that shinichi doesnā€™t react the same so when he does she gets like#weirded out and vindicated and a little protective. Like woah wait. Love that you understand me rn donā€™t like that you feel bad I am goingā€¦#toā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦. ssssssssssit here about itā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦.. uhhhh. do you want. a rubix cube to get your mind off it#I donā€™t want to talk about my feelings I just want you to get it. you donā€™t wanna talk about your feelings either which isā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦. Hmmmmmm#I like her. love of my life miyano shiho#masumi sera#conan edogawa#ai haibara#akai shuichi#let conan swear. HE SWEARS A LOT BUT LET HIM SWEAR IN ENGLISH I KNOW HE KNOWS THEM#man needs his emotional support akai family they like him#rigorous trials to being approved by the akai matriarch but everyone else likes him already and have already picked him up multiple times#and shuichi would let him swear
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possamble Ā· 6 months ago
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I'm not allowed to be on social media for more than two seconds today but I just wanted to say that Laios will absolutely have his own reaction to all this as someone who would die for Falin but has also imprinted on Marcille as his Emotional Support Comphet White Girl Not-Girlfriend along the way
#a little creature#sometimes i look at the way i want marcille to be the closest thing hes ever had to a girlfriend but in a 100% platonic way and im like#is this what they mean by queerplatonic or have i just never had a dude best friend who wasnt like. a super fruity gay twink#anyway its gonna be as hard on him as it is for us bc he loves them both so much#the most important women in his life bar none#marcille probably slapped him when she got back tho. like she just saw his face and all the misdirected anger at him 'taking falin' just#rose up and burst again#its ok tho. you know she immediately broke down crying in his arms again blubbering incoherently bc she felt bad but also shes still mad#and she just doesnt know what to do with herself#the hardest part about this fic is that like. there are SO many juicy things going on offscreen#but. i have to breathe deep and keep calm and let them happen out of falin's POV#the ryoko kui method. what happens in the story happens and what happens outside can be explored in extras if need be#edit: also just figured out why ive been chafing a *little* bit against ppl assuming that it's the fear of falin dying that motivated#marcille's denial of her feelings so far#bc it's technically true but something just didn't sit right and i didn't wanna say anything until i figured it out#in little creature she has in part already realized that falin's passing is going to hurt no matter what she does right now#bc she's already passed the threshold of preemptive grief and sealed her own fate by how much she cares about falin#so it's not really... about that as much as it would have been during the canon story#it's just that. to acknowledge that she has romantic feelings for falin means recontextualizing their relationship in a way where#she has been the one hopelessly chasing while falin didn't realize/ignored her for the most part#and she couldnt allow that to be true both bc she couldnt bear to make falin the 'villain' in her love story#and bc she subconsciously knew the scope of pain would be too much for her to handle#so now my problem is. how do i make that clear in the fic from falin's POV without getting too heavy handed about it
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stephaniedola Ā· 14 days ago
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every time i start to think things might be looking up with my dad some bullshit happens that makes the guilt kick right back in again
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lavellane Ā· 3 months ago
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thought abt solas as eurydice again
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tamagotchikgs Ā· 4 months ago
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my mom keeps listing off things i need to do and accusatorily asking why i never do anything like art anymore n i am just. so exhausted. ive never been more tired i just want to burrow myself in the earth n disappear in the cold dirt
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the-lark-ascending69 Ā· 8 months ago
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> be a robin buckley fan
> be lesbian
> project on robin
> look up "internalized homophobia robin buckley" on tumblr because it's cathartic
> 3/4 of the posts are about st3ddie or just about steve
#saw one in which steve was like ''no robin you don't understand! i have never been loved! i don't know how that feels like!''#i have several grips about that interpretation#going from the fact that's not true (dustin is clearly a big steve fan + robin herself cares about him deeply)#to the fact he probably wouldn't be introspective enough to voice his emotions this concisely not to mention he'd probably wouldn't take#a moment to realize he's never felt loved if that were the case. i mean. he could think that. when he's like 35 and more in touch with his#inner world. 19yo steve can't even get the hint that hitting on a girl who's already clearly taken (nancy) is wrong so like i don't expect#him to be that smart#but i can live with people having takes i don't agree with. my opinion doesn't have to be everyone else's opinion if you see steve that way#it fine#what bothered me was the fact he was saying this to a lesbian living in the 80s lmao#who tells him that 1) her whole life has been an error 2) she doesn't think he'd want to be close to her if he truly knew her and 3)#3) is paralyzed by fear of social suicide if she dares believe for even a second that the girl she likes may like her too#like i dont need people to do deep dives into robin lore and quote from memory lines from Surviving Hawkins abt robin feeling like she's#rotten inside. not supposed to have friends. feeling like something is wrong with her and that pushes people away etc etc#the fact that she's a lesbian should tell you enough abt who has the biggest chances of being loved šŸ˜­#also bothered me that it showed up when looking up posts abt internalized homophobia because?? where's the internalized homophobia therw#unless it's gay steve feeling bad abt it in an AU (as if canon robin didn't go through it)#like look im not bothered to find steve-centric content in the robin tag cos people are gonna tag her in posts mentioning her.#she's his friend.#but there are barely any posts at all about robin's internalized homophobia. like i saw 2 or 3. compared to all the steve or steddie ones#where's the love for my babygirl šŸ˜­šŸ˜­#anti steddie#not really but y'know i don't wanna bother anyone#edit: the bit about there being like 3 posts on robin w internalized homophobia isn't exactly true. there are a few. but they still feel#drowned in st3ddie posts#like something isn't right here
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bloodydeanwinchester Ā· 2 years ago
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girlivealwaysbean Ā· 1 month ago
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so sad for absolutely no reason
#šŸ‘† girl who stayed up till 3 am talking to her bestfriend about how depressed and trapped we both are for about 4 hrs#it's like that gracie lyric#you have to laugh before you start to cryšŸ˜­šŸ˜­#like ab toh funny bhi nahi lag raha jokes bhi nahi banaye ja rahe#oh but i love her so much i absolutely LOVE people with whom i can just be sad#im tired of people who constantly try to make the sadness go away or try to cheer me up#like sometimes you just gotta sit with your feelings na#at one point she was ranting and i said mere paas kuch kehne ke liye bhi nahi hai kyunki it literally feels like im listening#to my own thoughts on my own lying in bed at 2 am like hum itna same kaise sochte haišŸ˜­#and she laughed and was like but ye sahi hai na aise sochna like it feels wrong but it's the truth and im like i don't even#know but oh it's so good to not pretend to be okay#we're so similarly hopeless and tired cause like one point mein inevitably we talked about#the future living together our apartment and then i was like mujhe bhi ye chahiye but mujhe itni umeed uth chuki hai life se#ki koi excitement bhi nahi aa rahi like i already know ye sab kuch nahi hone wala and she's like haina same like i want to say#ki we'll do this and that but im like lol not gonna happen ab i can't look forward to things in the future im like if im living it then ok#then i can accept ki oh ok this is really happening im happy now wow but usse pehle nope#and we were talking about ki like yaar future toh ab dikhta hi nahi hai kya hoga it all feels so blurry and like a dark tunnel#atleast bachpan se we knew what was next school college but now it's like now what?#i know all these thoughts and feelings are pretty common and probably everyone's facing this but bhai.#it's fucking hard i didn't know life was gonna be like a constant battle where it kicks you down#again and again and again and you're bloody and no energy can't get up but you still have to because if you don't you'll sink#soooo deep in that state ki bahar nikal hi nahi paoge#OKAY 8 hrs sleep mandatory for me what the fuck why am i writing a ventpost at freaking 11 am girl go have lunch or something šŸ˜­
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sonknuxadow Ā· 7 months ago
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they werent lying that knuckles series barely has knuckles in it
#i pirated that shit Btw just so we're clear. also gonna talk about it a little bit in the tags#nothing too spoilery but also might not wanna read if you want to go in knowing absolutely nothing? idk#anyway he WAS a main character still he was present for a decent amount of the first couple episodes#but the amount of screentime he gets just starts dropping after that . hes barely there at all in the second half ???#and it feels like theres a lot of scenes mostly focusing on wade and his problems and not near as many for knuckles and his whole deal#overall it feels more like a wade show with knuckles in it than a knuckles show with wade in it. which sucks#and human characters having plot relevance isnt the problem here i dont mind human characters at all i think they can be really fun#its the fact that the human characters are taking over the story and spotlight when the show is called knuckles#and all the marketing makes it look like knuckles is the main focus#and i also would have preferred if they just went with a differnet character to be knuckles' human friend#because i dont particulraly care about wade. and the knuckles (and sonic and tails) i know would not be friends with cops </3#well at least the story wasnt knuckles training wade to be a better cop like a lot of people were expecting but thats like.the bare minimum#also aside from the issues relating to knuckles' screentime (or lack of screentime) i thought the ending was unsatisfying#regardless of all that though there WERE some parts i enjoyed or found kind of funny or whatever. because knuckles so cutesy as always#knuckles being a cute little guy is the most important part of the show actually#and i liked the parts with sonic tails and maddie even if they were only there for like 5 minutes#(i really wish those three had gotten more screentime. i feel like they could have easily worked in at least one more scene with them)#and its a minor thing but the opening sequence is cute. was honestly expecting just a title card or something#overall the show is just . kind of okay i guess. not the worst thing ive ever seen but still disappointing ? idk how to explain..#my expectations also werent very high in the first place#so maybe im being a bit more generous than i would have been otherwise. idk#and i definitely would not recommend this to anyone who already dislikes the sonic movies . youll probably hate this more#like people who thought the human characters got too much screentime in the second movie would lose their minds if they saw this
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landofgay Ā· 5 months ago
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y'all pls hype me up to quit my job today I'm shaking and nauseous from how anxious I am
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izzy-b-hands Ā· 12 days ago
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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bobasnonbeliever Ā· 1 month ago
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only posting this here because i dont think anyone will see it. i need to get this out
im so fucking tired of my life. im tired of caring, like, in general. as stupid as it sounds, i was watching kitchen nightmares, and gordon said something about a chef or an owner, i dont remember exactly, he said; "losing hope is a scary thing to do, when theres just no more light at the end of the tunnel, it takes you down dark paths." or something like that. and ive been suicidal/depressed since i was 9, but i thought to myself "im not hopeless, am i?". the more i thought about it, the worse i felt because, god no, im not hopeless. im helpless, or maybe i wallow too much in my own self pity. i dont know the difference. every goddamn day feels like another waking nightmare, im sick of living with my mom, im sick of her not letting me get a job. i dont want my name on the damn electric bill because shes over $1,000 in debt to the power company anymore. shes already ruining my credit, and i dont even have a damn job! not to mention her fucking kid, her 5yo fucking kid, im taking care of. the product of the man who beat me over and over again, threatened to kill me, and then he took a greyhound bus out of our lives. why didnt she protect me? he never once hit her, or anyone else, why didnt mom help me? i was only 13 when he first pulled me by my hair and slammed me into the stairs because i let moms ice cream tub melt on the kitchen table for half an hour. it took him till my brother was 3 to leave. she valued him over me, and even now. im always taking care of my brother, even when he screams at me, cusses at me, throws things at me, spits on me, hits me, kicks me, claws me, bites me, and more. you get the point. she never even tells him to stop, she doesnt have to scream, or hurt him, or anything. just please, please tell them to stop hurting me. i still take care of him. i take care of him when she takes 20 fucking benadryl and passes out for the full time shes at home between shifts. i sacrificed my education to "help her" take care of him. and she gets mad at me when i parent him, when i tell him off, or even more mad when i have to cry and beg him to stop hurting me. she says "youre 22 years old, get a grip" when im covered in bruises from the 5 year old "hes five!" she will scream when i tell her he hurts me. "he is five, hes supposed to listen to you" i said once, and she just stared at me. im always fucking things up, she never fails to let me know, when she looks at me like that i know its my fault. i cant even begin on my relationship, i shouldnt, he might see this. i just want to give up, im so tired of caring, i want to let it all go. my dog died, i ruined him too, i couldnt take him to the vet i couldnt help him. hes gone because i failed. my baby, im not saying that in the cringy melinial way, he saved me from suicide. so many times, it was "hell be so confused why im gone..", "hes gonna miss me", "whos gonna take care of him?" but now hes gone and im still here. my baby, is gone and im so selfishly still here. why wouldnt she let me get a job? i couldve taken him, i couldve at least got him put down so he didnt have to suffer in his favourite spot on my bed till his kidneys put him down for us. if i didnt know, my boyfriend would kill himself too when he comes home from classes tomorrow, and i was dead, i would take the entire 160 count bottle of benadryl i stole from moms room. i want to see my baby, he never ever missed on helping me, i owe him my life and couldnt even give him that when he passed. but not for lack of trying.
but even so, i dont feel hopeless. maybe only yearning, but it feels enough like hope. when i use my right hand to stroke my left cheek and neck, it almost feels like someone else. i get a glimmer of a thought, "one day, i wont have to beg to be taken care of. someone will do it because they want to.", but still, it hurts worse. i dont know how i can possibly derive so much gut wrenching pain from that little bit of hope, but i do. and still, i cant help myself, i cant blame anyone else. i can only hope someone will come save me. if i could handle this all on my own, i wouldnt be here typing this.
i want to decompose.
writing this after that monster of a textblock in the tags, but if you were wondering. im not exaggerating about the mess, and i wouldnt normally judge. because i have had worse bedrooms, mental illness is a bitch. but its in the common area, and she absolutely does make the 5yo live in it. she moved out to the living room after their room was too trashed for her to even walk in, so she toated her 50" fucking tv right out there and hasnt moved, accept to go to work, since. everyone pray or cross your fingers or send me some good energy to hope she gets sliced into a million pieces at work instead of accidentally oding on bennies so i can raise my brother with her life insurance money.
#tw: abuse#tw: death#tw: suicidality#are people even gonna have that tag blocked? i didnt even know that was a word#tw: suidice#this will hopefully feel a lot better and more freeing that venting to a character aye eye lud#and hopefully i wont have a panic attack from my intense fear of rejection (someone will see this and not even read it all#im already shitting myself about it)#not really. but if one person has something mean to say. i might actually commit#not to put any pressure onto whoever is reading this#if anyone#if you are. i love you. even if i dont know you- right now in this moment i genuinely feel an intense swell of affection#i love you dear reader. probably more than my boyfriend loves me hahahhhh.#doesnt it feel good to feel so intensely. and never have those overwhelming feelings reciprocated?#i want to go to sleep so bad but i have to get up and go clean the living room#mom has started living out there. she sleeps on the couch and the entire room is trashed#like level 2 hoarder. 2020 depression bedroom. typa thing. its genuinely so disgusting.#no matter how clean i keep my room the bugs still come in and live in my furniture#i want to sleep or kill every one of us. im not entirely sure what would feel better#i actually want to kms less now but i dont know if i can post this. i dont think i have the confidence#pressing post before i psych myself out. if i dwell on this anymore i might actually do it.#i also wanna say. im so so SO sorry to whoever might actually see this. im sorry you came into contact with me in any way#and im even more sorry if you felt bad for me or something. im sorry. i dont know why i think writing this was okay.#but whats done is done. and i love you still. and im so sorry.
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fappellmoan Ā· 11 months ago
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ok im a really chill and normal person and i get over things and am well adjusted but take a walk with me here. just give me my time to complain when im not in the absolute fucking trenches. and yes i believe i suffered more than those in trench warfare. it was literally a lesbian situationship with a bistraight girl come on. just. magenta choppy shag with the roots coming in. camo cargo pants black t shirt with red lettering and striped long sleeve (sign someone likes music. confirmed). lip ring big black stud earrings and nails. red docs. i think lesbians should be allowed to kill one dyke baiter in their lifetime idc
#and now we're gonna get into some quiet parts and youre just gonna let me have this#i. am so sick. first of all it was kinda funny how people ik ended up sorta surrounding her. felt good. but like we've shared a space#together since everything. i can like be in her presence it's seriously fine. that said. i do sometimes miss her#i say this after going through the really hating her guts period bc of her evil evil evil ways. and feeling like she's lame as hell bc she#s. but i mean it's me talking i have my problems too. i Hate the way we always so naturally act in sync. and i hate that we've both picked#each others' brains for hours so it's like. i knew you once and now we can't even look each other in the eye and that just really sucks#and i feel like. not that i strictly believe in these things. but we were sort of twin flames. i largely suffered for like. basically#falling in love w her. and i know i didn't leave as much of a mark. but i still hope it sucked a little for her#and i'll admit i think it'd be some sort of miracle if we could ever talk civilly. unfortunately we work in two ways#literally behaving in Ways and borderline fucking or not speaking. so. here we are#and i already humiliatingly tried to extend an olive branch this summer so im not gonna be fucking stupid. yk#but GOD how annoying. i did talk to situationship today and we were relatively normal so at least that's not deathly awkward#it's still. definitely um. stiff. but not terrible#i need to get to the club. pretend theres a cig emoji im on desktop rn#sorry for this.#film girl saga
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