#i have a dentists appointment today and. i’m very nervous about explaining myself

[recoveryfriend]

are there any other former bulimics/people who purged by vomiting/eating disorder patients in general who have had to deal with major dental work and could give advice on how to best advocate for yourself? anything you would tell someone else in recovery who’s currently going through that process?

[evanstanwrites]

Hot dentist - Steve Rogers AU

Sum: What did I bring myself into? Flirting with my dentist, none the less hot dentist, and then let him drive me home? Wasn’t this doomed to fail?

pairing: Dentist Steve Rogers x reader

warnings: my bad writing xD, +18 only, SMUT, public sex, unprotected sex, sexual acts while driving

I was so nervous as I stood in front of the dentist’s office in my local hospital. Today was the day I’d get my wisdom tooth removed, I had been in so much pain that I couldn’t delay it any longer. A few weeks ago I had noticed that there was a piece that had broken off my tooth and it had been the cause of a lot of pain, seeing as the nerves in the tooth got uncovered. So I found the little bit of courage I had left and made an appointment with my local dentist, an old but friendly man who was only a few weeks from retirement. 

He had taken one look at my broken tooth and knew that it wasn’t a job he could handle. It turned out to be a wisdom tooth that I didn’t even know I had. It was the surprise of my life and when he said that I had to go to the hospital’s dentist to have it removed under anesthesia I panicked completely. I was already scared shitless of a regular dentist and needles now they were gonna stick needles into my mouth? What more do you need to shit your pants out of fear. But I got my shit together because I didn’t want to live with this kind of pain forever so I made the appointment with doctor S.Rogers at my local hospital.

“Hey, I’m Y/n and I have an appointment with doctor Rogers,” I say once I got my shit together and got to the front desk of doctor Rogers’s office.

“Welcome, Y/n, please fill in this form while you wait. You can hand the filled in form to the doctor” The lady behind the desk says as she starts to hand me all different kinds of papers and documents.

“The waiting area for doctor Rogers is at the end of the hallway, you can take a seat there.” she smiles and points in the direction of the waiting area. 

After a short thank you and a nervous smile I follow the given directions through the long hallway filled with other waiting patients at all different doctors’ offices but none of them are the one I need to be at. After what seems like a long walk I finally reach the waiting area I need to be at seeing a large nameplate on one of the doors stating the doctor’s name.  

I take my place on one of the chairs and start to fill in the form I was given by the lady at the front desk. Just as I was done the door of the office opens and a tall blond model like man with one of the brightest smiles stands in the door opening.

God this man was drop dead gorgeous, who was he? Was he the nurse, Maybe doctors Rogers’s assistant, or what if this was doctor Rogers? Omg kill me now, I’m not going to survive this if that species of a man is gonna do the procedure.

What if I say something stupid during the anesthesia?

“Miss Y/l/n?”

God even the sound of his voice is to melt for. I quickly get a hold of myself and stand up.

“That’s me.” I smile at the man.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Doctor Rogers. please come in,” he says as he steps out of the way and signs for me to walk in first.

Oh god, he is the doctor, I’ll have to do my best to act normal. I think to myself as I walk into the office and sit on one of the chairs before handing over the filled in forms as he walks past me to his seat.

“So I got all the information from your dentist, seems like you need to have your wisdom tooth removed.” He explains as he sits down behind his desk, looks over the papers before smiling at me.

“I do see here that you requested the use of the anesthetic gas but I fear that it’s not possible today due to some technical problems.”  

“Oh, so what’s going to happen then?” I ask suddenly not that concerned about the fact that I didn’t know how to act around a drop dead gorgeous doctor but more scared about the procedure itself.

“Well seeing as you’re the last patient of the day our only option for the procedure is a local anesthetic. But I promise you, you have nothing to worry about. I know it sounds more terrifying than it actually is. I promise you I won’t hurt you, it’ll be a bit uncomfortable but it won’t hurt.” he reassures me which to I can only nod shortly, still nervous. 

“You’ll be alright, miss, you’re in good hands” 

One of his warm hands covered mine that laid on top of the desk as he says it with a smile. 

Wow, this man is really all smiles but knows how to put someone at ease. I think as I smile back at him. 

“Okay, Thank you, doctor Rogers”

“You’re welcome and please call me Steve. What ya say we get started and get it over with?” 

Steve’s not even finished speaking when he stands up from his chair and holds a hand out to help me to my feet and leads me to the room next to the office where the procedure would take place. 

And before I know it I’m in the chair leaning back, watching Steve move around the room as he washes his hands before gloving up. 

In the end, he was right, I barely felt it when he injected the local anesthetic into my gums. In comparison to any dentist I had ever met Steve was very soft in his handling and very talkative, it seems like he forgot that he was working in my mouth and that I couldn’t talk back. Which lead to a couple of funny moments but it did put my mind at ease, I wasn’t scared at all anymore and it started to feel more like Steve and I knew each other for a long time. He even flirted with me a few times, at least I think he did.

Every time he’d had to do something that would cause me even the slightest bit of discomfort he warned me and checked if all was alright after. 

Overall the procedure only took around half an hour and soon enough Steve was putting his work in finishing with stitching up the wound.

“Here you go sweetheart, we’re all done,” he says leaning back on his chair before cleaning up the little worktable so I could sit up. 

“You got someone to take you home? Because it’s not wise to drive while the anesthetic is still working,” 

Shit, I didn’t think about that. He’s right I can’t drive like this.

“No, I don’t but I’ll call for a cab to drive me home,” I say which comes out a bit more like a mumble due to my still numb mouth as I stand up from the chair, ready to collect my stuff so I can leave even if I don’t really want to. I wanted to be in his presence for as long as I could, that was the kind of effect he had on me.

“No need to call a cab, I can drive you home seeing as I’m off in a few minutes.” he smiles as we walk back into his office “Only if you want that is?” he quickly adds.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to impose after all I’m just your patient,” I say a bit unsure, I want to say yes but was it wise to, it isn’t professional at least.

“Well as soon as we walk out of this office you’re not my patient anymore and we can do what we choose to do,” he chuckles as he sits back down behind his office ready to finish up his paperwork for the day.

“Okay, you can drive me home if you really want to,” I respond trying not to smile that big so I wouldn’t drool too much caused by the numb lips. Steve seemed to notice and chuckled a bit louder. 

“Don’t worry sweetheart, the anesthetic will wear off. The numb feeling should be over in about half an hour,” he says before pointing at his computer.

“Give me 5 minutes and I’ll meet you downstairs in front of the main entrance. I quickly need to fill in this form and then chance and I’ll be down to pick you up.”

What did I bring myself into? Flirting with my dentist, none the less hot dentist, and then let him drive me home? Wasn’t this doomed to fail? But then again I was already in too deep to stop now, there was no option to go back now. There was no harm in having a bit of fun right? Who knows what I get out of it: a friend, a one night stand, or maybe a boyfriend? Who knows? Was this really so bad? No not at all, there was nothing wrong with this. 

That’s how I found myself in the passenger seat of Steve’s car flirting with him, a lot. The atmosphere turned hot and sexual very quickly just as our conversation and it seemed like it affected both of us. Steve obviously had a ‘little not so little’ problem in his pants and he didn’t even try to hide it. Even his hand has found its place on top of my thigh, slowly rubbing small circles onto my warm skin making me squeeze my thighs together to get some relief. The smirk on his lips showed me that he knew that it affected me too, I bet he could almost smell how wet I was.

“Really I can’t say thank you enough for driving me home. I don’t know how I can ever repay you Steve,” I say with a small smile.

“I could think of something,” Steve smirked seductively

“Oh, what are you thinking about then?” I ask faking innocence, I had a good guess what it would be and I was totally down for it but I wanted to see how he would respond.

But Steve didn’t say anything, he just softly took my hand, gave it a soft reassuring squeeze and placed my hand on top of the bulge in his pants.

I sucked in a deep breath of surprise, he felt huge for what I could feel through his pants.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to sweetheart” he quickly says taking my action as a rejection.

“No, It’s okay, I want to. I just wasn’t prepared to feel,... you feel so big Steve” I giggle which makes him chuckle in response.

“Well that’s because I am big sweetheart” he winks just as I start to unzip and unbutton his pants.

“Can I?” 

“Yes, go for it” 

More he doesn’t has to say before I slip my hand through his now open pants and wrap my hand around his rock hard cock. His skin felt warm and soft in my hand, god he is really big. 

I tried to feel as much as I could, discovering every inch, every vein, every unique part of his cock.

“you’re teasing sweetheart,” Steve says softly as he holds back a moan.

“But I like teasing,” I pout which makes him laugh

“You little minx,”

I finally decide to stop teasing and now wramp my hand firmly around his now leaking hard cock and slowly start stroking it.

“Yeah that’s it sweetheart, just like that” Steve moans as he tries his best to keep his focus on the road but that proved to be a hard task. 

I loved the feeling of his cock in my hand and started to imagine how he would feel if it wasn’t my hand wrapped around his cock but my pussy. I bet it would feel great, hit all the right spots and make me fall over the edge quickly. Damn, I almost came just by thinking of it.

“Oooh fuck it” I hear Steve bread hard as he suddenly makes a sharp turn into what seemed an empty backroad surrounded by trees.

“Euh Steve, this isn’t the way to my place,” I say surprised as I pull my hand out of his pants and look around me. There was nobody or nothing but trees to be seen. 

“I know but I can’t keep my focus on the road anymore, and I need a turn too sweetheart” he smirked as he parks his.

Before I even know it he gets out of the car, and I follow his lead, meeting him at the hood of his car. It doesn’t take long before he’s all over me, kissing me along the curve of my throat, his hands moving all over my body like he’s making a road map to some treasure.

“You’re driving me crazy sweetheart” he pants 

“Maybe you should do something about it” I smirk as I hop onto the hood of his car 

“I so want to kiss you right now but I fear that will have to wait. But can I fuck you instead?” he asks as he steps into the open space between my legs while his hands move up my legs.

“I thought you’d never ask,” I chuckle as I lift my skirt a bit as an invitation for him to slide his hands under, which he eagerly does and starts to rub over the soaked crotch of my panties making me move my hips up to his hand and moan at the touch. It really had been a long time since the last time someone even touched me down there, I felt like I was a virgin again.

“Please, Steve, just fuck me already” I moan 

“Look who’s impatient now,” he says as he shoves his still unzipped pants a bit lower so he could free cock, giving it a few strokes before moving the crotch of my panties to the side and slowly rubs the tip of his cock between my folds coating himself in my fluids.

I don’t care that we’re in public, I don’t care that someone could hear or see us, in this moment there was only Steve and me and how good he made me feel. I was already flying high on pleasure and he wasn’t even inside me yet. So the moment he actually started to push his cock inside me I couldn’t stop myself and moaned loudly at the feeling, feeling every inch of him as he filled me. 

“Fuck you’re so tight sweetheart” he moans, seemingly just as much lost in pleasure as I am.

Once he was fully inside of me he didn’t give me much time to adjust to his huge cock and just started to pull back out slowly and thrust back in with a hard and fast snap of his hips making me almost scream out in pleasure. I can only hold on for the ride he takes me on as he set a strong and fast pace. Proving my imagination from earlier in that to be true, his cock does hit all the right spots every time he slams back in. 

One of his strong hands grips onto my hip keeping me in place while with the thumb of his other hand he rubs my clit edging me closer and closer to an orgasm.

“Steve,...., so close,..., please,” I didn’t even know what I was begging for but Steve seemed to understand as he started to speed up the movements of his thumb on my clit.

“It’s alright sweetheart, I got you. Cum for me, I’m right behind you.” he moans out of breath. It seems like that was all it took before he guided me over the edge and I came harder than I’ve ever done before with a loud scream. It didn’t take long before Steve followed me and spilled his seed deep inside me.

“I should have made that appointment much sooner with you doctor Steve.”

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[what-the-fuck-khr]

I’m back and Hm. what an experience

for starters, there’s something disorienting about laying down with constant drill noises as a dentist carved out your tooth only for the silence to be filled by Rihanna’s S&M

okay so main problem was not very back molar, but second molar next to it, with a decayed hole that went straight down. did a little X-ray thing and learnt that 1) very back molar IS rotten inside lol 2) wisdom tooth is impacted and is useless and will need to be removed at some point in my life

so anyways she says “the decay is too bad so our options are either remove the tooth. or start a root canal, and wait on a waiting list 2-3 years for the next appointment” and when you give such big decisions like that to a person like me lemme say I was. Stressed. I was GOOD tho I asked questions like if removing it would cause any problems to eating etc, would starting the root canal and waiting those years perhaps mean the rotting will infect other teeth and whatnot I looked my anxiety in the eye today and said fuck off I need to know what I’m doing with time teeth please. so that was nice

anyways I decided I’m only 22 so I don’t particularly want to lose any teeth just yet. Yet. we’ll get to that lol. anyways since I was already on the waiting list back in 2019 you heard that right lol hopefully I should only have to wait a year (maybe 2) instead. so I went with starting the root canal

WELL she gets through the first tooth and then decides the decay on the very back tooth is just too bad and if I wait even just 3 months let alone years, it’ll need to be extracted so she worked on that tooth too. exciting it feels so fucking strange. she was very nice (if I remember right I think her name was Brenda?) constantly checked up on me, and tried to explain a bunch of the things to me so I knew what was going on etc. did anaesthesia for my cheek/jaw except the first dose didn’t work so I got a second lol. I can’t feel my Cheek this is the first time I’ve ever had anaesthesia lol

I’ve learned many things today also. 1) what a root canal is. she luckily explained it quite simply so I managed to understand (think of it like a taxidermy, we’re cutting the tooth and filling it up) 2) anaesthesia is weird as fuck especially bc she warned me “your heart rate will pick up because of the adrenaline” and boy did my heart rate fucking JUMP that was strange 3) I never realised how important the suction thing was. bc she did a couple very quick drills on my teeth without it, very short ones, and bro the fucking LIQUID THAT CAME FROM IT,,, NUTS,, 4) god almighty the taste of rubber gloves is fucking feral 5) I can hold my mouth open for quite a long time lol 6) the adrenaline of it all and me facing the fact I’m gonna lose some teeth eventually had me a little shaky I was nervous going down the stairs lol

ALRIGHT and because of the diagnosis of my current problem teeth lol, I realise that ah, maybe the upper molar I have that’s rotten so bad I’ve lost half my tooth is probably gonna get pulled. likewise with the same very back upper molar on the other side. whenever I finally get an appointment that can deal with those teeth, there’s gonna be no saving them lol. but they’re the VERY back molars so hopefully,,, it’s okay,,,, my teeth are already a bit of a sensitive spot for me like, confidence wise lol bc they’re not that white, they’re not straight, they’re not perfectly flat and normally shaped so showing people my teeth is :/

anyways I’m home now and I can’t feel my fucking cheek nor can I feel anything through my teeth atm and drinking this frozen coke right now (a slushie? Slurpee?) bc of the 34°c heat is SUCH A WEIRD FEELING,,, like I can feel the ice but it’s like a vague, fuzzy feeling? go told by mum to Not eat anything too hot while my cheek is still numb bc ya know. don’t burn myself. got told my tooth will still be tender for the next couple days, take paracetamol lmao, I should be fine? yeah so basically it’s not the fucking Greatest outcome of all time but for what it’s worth, there was a silver lining to some of it. which is nice I suppose

also bc I’m on a fuckin uh specific concession healthcare card I only paid fucking $30 for this visit? $30 for the start of 2 root canals,,,, bc I went through a government kind of funded thing, kind of? so healthcare card etc helps. I didn’t go to a regular ol’ dentist, especially not a fucking private one, and I’m so so lucky I only had to pay $30 today

[enchanted-seokjin]

The 1; kim seokjin.

↬ summary: Y/N meets Jin after six months following their break-up.

↬ genre: one shot

↬ word count: 2.6k

↬ warnings: very slightly smut insinuation

↬ note: inspired by the 1 by taylor swift

I hold my breath when I see him walk through the door. He smiles widely at my friend and hands her over the gift which stands out from every other I’ve seen so far. And I’ve seen them all, for I’ve been here even before people arrived.

My friend wanted me to help her with the last details, setting the table, making sure everything looked neat and smell good. It was a façade. I realized once I crossed that same goddamn door and saw that my friend had opened a bottle of wine and served two glasses. That could only mean that it was a setup. I didn’t say anything, though. I was reminded that it was her birthday and I had to put up with any crazy idea she had in mind.

Many thoughts crushed my brain. Was she going to cancel the party? Was she going to ask me to tell one of the people she’d invited that the party wasn’t going to happen after all? 

I laugh as I remember how naïve I must’ve looked caressing the cat while my friend told me that she had invited Jin.

I didn’t get mad, but I was indeed shocked. I knew they got along well but I wasn’t aware that they were that close. For a moment, I thought she was going to confess that they were dating and my heart sunk just by the thought of it. When I asked her directly if they were more than friends, she looked at me confused and then disgusted. She assured me that Jin was her friend and nothing would ever change that. She was sorry for not letting me know earlier but it was kind of a last-minute invitation since she wasn’t sure how I would feel. She also said, “I understand if you want to leave.”

I couldn’t leave.

Now I wish I had.

My friend looks at the present, surprised by the presentation. It’s a tiny box, wrap in an elegant white paper with a red ribbon. I try not to smile but I fail and I look down at the cat moving between my legs and I’m thankful I’ve found this empty couch with no one around to bother me as a hang onto the glass of wine as if my life depends on it.

Jin has always had a good eye for details and I know that my friend appreciates it. I know I did. I know anyone would. 

When I look back up, I see Jin greeting a few of the people who are standing close to the door. He’s wearing black jeans and a dark shirt tucked inside his jeans which accentuates his waist. He looks stunning, smiling cordially, and having chit-chats with strangers. He’s always been good at that, too. The first time he invited me to an event I was nervous. I hate crowded places so I tried to turn him down but he assured me that everything would be okay and I believed him. He was right. He made me feel comfortable and included. He showed me a side of me I had never seen, one that glowed every time I stood next to him, talking to strangers and making new friends.

None of the people I’ve met during those events are my friends now.

As Jin moves, I want to get up, take the cat and fly upstairs but instead, I stay where I am because, at least, the floor isn’t quicksand here.

He’s late to the party, nevertheless. I noticed that as I was drinking my third glass of wine, thinking about how I should react once I see him after six months following our break-up. He’s never late. He’s always early. If he had a meeting at the dentist, he’d be there twenty minutes earlier. He doesn’t mind waiting but hates the idea of making other waits.

I guess he has changed.

Our eyes meet and I can feel my whole body turned numb as Jin gives me a tiny smile. A shy smile. The kind of smile which has always made my heart flutter, now makes me want to disappear.

I want him to keep chit-chatting with the blonde guy but I know he’s apologizing when he interrupts him to walk towards me. 

I forget how to breathe.

“Hey,” he says, smiling. His hands inside his pockets. He looks stunning under the white artificial light which makes his black hair shine. “New friend?” he asks, nodding towards the cat, now sitting next to my legs.

“She’s protecting me,” I reply, gazing at the cat as well. I don’t know if I’m holding the glass properly so I lower it to the armchair. I’m not leaving it at the little table. I’m afraid the waiter may come and take it away--- I wouldn’t know what to do with my hands either. I don’t have pockets as Jin does. I wish I hadn’t worn this stupid black dress.

I wish I was at home.

“From whom?” Jin asks.

I smile without saying anything. I don’t know what to answer. This situation is way too awkward for me.

“You’re late,” I point out instead and I wish I hadn’t. Though, Jin doesn’t seem to mind it. He stares at the window. A black cloudy sky displays through the lime curtains.

“I had to take care of a few things,” he replies, calmly and I wonder if he’s feeling his world crashing as mine is because I can sense everything coming down to pieces with him so close to me and I want it to stop.

I sigh and, this time, I gather the strength to put the glass on the table. I wait for the waiter to come and get it as a mouse waiting for a piece of cheese to drop. He doesn’t.

It’s time for me to go home.

“Well…” I begin as I get up. The house spins around for a second but I manage to keep control. Jin stares at me intently and I ignore his gaze. Instead, I focus on the cat, which meows and leaves. I’m completely alone with Jin. Great. “I hope you have fun,” I smile. I hope it sounds genuine. 

“Are you leaving?” he inquires, confused.

“Yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow,” I explain. It’s a lie, so I don’t get into any detail. I know enough not to reveal too much information when you’re lying, especially when you’re drunk. I pass past Jin, hoping he’d let me go but he follows me.

“Let me take you home,” he whispers as I take my black coat. 

“No,” I simply say.

I put it on and hear him sigh with impatience. Even though I’m not looking, I know he’s scratching his ear.

“My car’s right outside. I’ll take you home and then I’ll come back,” he begs. I turn to look at him. I’ve my bag between my hands, clutching onto it as hard as I was clutching on the glass of wine.

I smile ironically. Does he think I’m preoccupied he might miss this party?

“No, Jin,” I argue, slowly. “I’m good.”

I’m not getting into that hell of a car with you. I’m drunk, not stupid, I want to add. However, I choose silence and aim to walk towards the door when Jin steps in the way.

“Your house is not far,” he protests. “Let me walk you, then. It’s late.”

It’s true. It is late. The plan wasn’t for me to leave the party, I was supposed to help my friend clean up the mess afterward and stay overnight, and I was excited to have a girl’s night. I hadn’t had one in such a long time; I yearned for a little bit of fun. Yet, seeing Jin changed everything. 

“Fine,” I give up. I also know that he won’t let this go. If I leave without saying a word, he’d still follow me so it’s better this way.

“Great,” he smiles. “Are you going to say goodbye?”

I deny, reaching the door. As much as I love my friend, if I see her now and get the chance to say a word to her, it would be something far from “Happy birthday! I love you,” so I’d rather leave quietly.

Outside, the air is cold. I listen to the door close behind me and Jin approaching me as I start walking in the right direction.

“Aren’t you cold?” I ask. The answer is obvious; I can see Jin shrugged with his hands inside his pockets. He’s lucky there’s isn’t any wind. “Didn’t you bring a jacket?”

“No,” he barely looks at me so I stare at the empty street. “It was kind of a last-minute thing, coming here. I forgot to bring a jacket.”

“That present didn’t look like a last-minute thing,” I point out before I can stop myself and I hate how bitter my words sound.

“It wasn’t,” Jin answers, ignoring the bitterness. “I was going to give her the present even if I didn’t come tonight.”

“Of course you were,” I agree. “You’ve always been meticulous over important dates,” These words shouldn’t be charged with resentment but they are.

Jin takes a deep breath and I gaze at him. Our eyes meet for a second and I feel I’m about to break so I turn my head straight, though I can feel his piercing eyes on me.

“I wasn’t sure if I was going to come because I knew you were going to be here,” he explains with a little bit of frustration. My heart sinks but I ignore it.

“For what’s worth, I didn’t know you were coming until today.”

He stays silent for a second.

“I should’ve told you.”

“I blocked your number, remember?”

Jin quiets again. This time, it feels like an eternity. Then, his voice echoes in my brain.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I never meant for any of this to happen,” he goes on and I lower my head, closing my eyes for a second as his sincerity burns inside my chest. 

“Don’t say that,” I beg.

Jin takes a deep breath.

“I’ve been wondering about you, you know?” he says. And I want him to stop but I don’t say anything because my heart’s in half and I forget how to speak. “What you’ve been doing… If life’s been treating you good…”

I laugh and look at the other side. Job wise? I’m good. Study wise? Getting there. Love wise? Still can’t get over him. I was at the bus stop last week and my soul left my body for an instant when I thought the man driving a black Mercedes was him.

“I’m good,” I answer. “I’ve been focusing on my studies.” 

“Trying to get into Art School?”

I smile as memories come flashing back.

“They say it’s never too late,” I look at him with a smile and he smiles back. We both know it was he who convinced me of that. “Don’t know if I’ll get in, though.”

“You’re really talented, Y/N,” he says with all seriousness. It’s always been like that when it came to my dreams. “Don’t throw yourself under the bus. You have a bright future ahead of you.”

I did have one. Once. With you.

“Thanks,” It takes me a few seconds to gather the strength to keep talking. “What about you?”

“Same old, same old,” he replies without looking at me. “Still working.”

“That’s good,” I babble as our eyes meet again and he flashes a tender smile. My heart sinks again and I feel tears burning behind my eyes. “Love wise?” I ask and look away. I’m not sure how I’ve mustered the strength to ask this. It’s as if someone else has taken control over me… Or something…

Jin doesn’t reply right away and I ignore the urge to start running because if I did, I don’t know if my legs would be strong enough to support me.

“Tried online dating,” he responds. “But it wasn’t for me,” he continues and I know he means it as a funny anecdote but it doesn’t sound like that. The air has shifted and I can feel the weight of these past six months over my shoulders. “You?”

“Nothing,” I say, shaking my head. 

It’s funny to hear that he’s been trying to move on while I’m still trying to get used to waking up alone every morning.

Jin sighs again and scratches his nose. I know he’s about to say something serious even before he opens his mouth.

“I did love you. You know that, don’t you?”

Of all the things I was expecting to hear from him, this was at the bottom of the list.

I shake my head as I bite the inside of my cheek. It’s all too real. It’s all too raw. I can’t take this, but Jin doesn’t take into account my feelings.

“After we broke up,” he mumbles as if he’s measuring his words. And I know for sure that he is. Jin’s too afraid to break me. “I’ve made up scenarios in my mind where everything worked out. I think it could’ve if we’d tried.”

I let out a weak laugh because it’s better than crying.

“I didn’t know you wanted to try.”

“I wanted everything that had to do with you.”

I smile, trying to hide my sadness. Suddenly, the shakiness in my hands is gone.

“You should’ve shown it.”

Jin looks down for a moment, and I know he’s regretting his decisions.

“We were something, don’t you think so?”

I nod. Yes, we were. All our friends and family were so sure we were going to end up together for the rest of our lives. I thought so, too. I thought Jin was the one. My family thought Jin was the one. I guess it would’ve been fun, to grow old together. To keep learning from each other until we’ve memorized every aspect of our personality, every inch of our bodies.

I see my house in the corner and we slow down our pace. Maybe it’s our subconscious working for us.

“Yeah,” I agree.

Jin lowers his head again.

“I’m seeing someone,” he lets out carefully.

I don’t react. There’s nothing else he can break in me.

“I’m glad you’re happy.”

“You’ll find someone, too.”

I guess I will. Someday.

I picture Jin with this new person, hanging out with his family. I picture them visiting Jin’s family every Sunday and Jin’s mom teaching them how to cook. That’s what I did every Sunday, at least. It was fun. Jin’s mom would end up amazed at how useless I was in the kitchen while Jin would assure me that I didn’t have to worry about anything because I had him.

We stop when we reach my house. He walks me to the porch and I turn to him. I open my mouth, ready to ask him if he believed that we would be together now if only one thing had been different… But I say nothing.

“Thank you, Jin,” I mutter instead.

“It was nice seeing you, Y/N,” he smiles but he doesn’t move.

I know that, in a different time, he’d come in with me, have a glass of wine. He would be telling bad jokes as alcohol starts to hit us while I fall in love with him as every second passes by. I wouldn’t wear this black dress for too long, he’d get rid of it as soon as he gets the chance and I’d enjoy each torturous moment unbuttoning his shirt.

“It was nice seeing you, too, Jin. Have fun at the party,” I state as I walk in because I should be the strong one; as I always have.

Still, tears fall in silence knowing that Jin is on the other side of the door and I will wake up alone tomorrow, again.

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Day 232

October 28 Busy day today, as promised! I got up this morning and got the kiddo going on his schoolwork (asynchronous learning day means he had lots of time to work on catch-up assignments) and then headed off to my doctor's office. I lost the labwork order I needed to get my routine yearly bloodwork, so they printed it off and brought it outside to me so I didn't have to enter the office. Doctors and dentists and the like are extremely concerned with keeping unnecessary people out of their offices, which makes sense. At the kiddo's pediatrician, they appear to have renovated an empty space next door into an entirely segregated sick-child waiting room, rather than the simpler left-side-well, right-side-sick waiting room they had before, separated by a wall bisecting most of the room. Now both those sides are for well children and sick children can't come into the office proper at all. I am hoping this is a healthy winter for the kiddo.  But anyway! With my paperwork in hand, I bopped down to the blood testing center for my blood draw. That wasn't much different from usual, aside from a very avant-garde arrangement of chairs in the waiting room that had many fewer chairs, all pointing in different directions away from one another. Routine labwork cost me 26.33, a weird number that included a 20 dollar copay and then 6.33 cents of coinsurance for the various tests. It was a weird number, but at least it was considerably less than I would've paid without our exceedingly expensive insurance. I didn't have to wait very long and the phlebotomist did a good job with me. I asked specifically for a back-of-the-hand draw, partially because I'm a tough stick and partially because I wanted to be able to show the kiddo what it looks like. It was a model wound, tiny with minimal blood and only slight swelling. The kiddo seemed somewhat reassured about his own upcoming draw, but only somewhat.  I went home and showed off my hand and checked to make sure everything was still going well. On the way, I stopped for gas at the new Wawa and got myself a big cup of pumpkin spice coffee with hazelnut creamer. It's the most wonderful time of the year! Also I was very hungry from fasting. Kiddo had gotten quite a bit of work done on his school stuff and my husband got good news from his own morning telemedicine appointment, so all was copacetic. I stayed home for about an hour and figured out what assignments the kiddo still had to do, and then it was off on another adventure through the bridge-tunnel to pick up my auction winnings!  Now I know the natural reaction here might be "You bid on another auction? Did you learn NOTHING from the Takis adventure?" I understand your reaction and the answer is yes I did learn something, but not very much. I certainly didn't bid on any massive job lots at this auction, which was for a beauty shop that had shut down. I placed lowball bids on all kinds of interesting and useful things, was outbid on most of them, and purchased what was left. In this case, that amounted to two large three-drawer plastic storage bins, one small three-drawer storage bin, and nine pounds of reinforced cotton coil. I also got a bonus in that one large drawer was full of a dozen rolls of little-bitty garbage bags, the perfect size to scoop litter into. I won't need to scrounge grocery bags for years!  (Also, the guy who helped me find my items at the auction house definitely remembered me from last time, and I suspect I may be hearing about the takis adventure forever now.)  Your other question at this point may be "what is reinforced cotton coil?" and the answer is that it is very weird and cool stuff. Imagine a cotton ball, the sort you use for makeup or cleaning or whatever. Now imagine a cotton ball that is still the same diameter, but four hundred feet long, wrapped up in a tight coil and shoved into a cardboard box. Reinforced just means that there is a paper tape inside the middle of this long cotton rope, giving it a bit more structure. Originally it's for salon use. It's the stuff they wrap around your head when you get a perm so the chemicals don't seep out onto your face, and something about manicures too, but I have bigger ideas. You have any idea how many kitten butts can be wiped with a cotton ball a quarter-mile long? (I have three boxes of the stuff, so 1200 feet and change.) How many ears can be cleaned? How many crocheted catnip mice stuffed? I'm sure there's lots of other things that can be done with it, and I'm open to ideas. If I get the drop spindle I want for Christmas, maybe I'll try and make yarn from it. So many uses!  With my van once again filled with cheaply acquired auction goodies, I headed back home to impress my guys with such weird bounty and also eat some lunch. In the afternoon, the kiddo had a dentist appointment, which has historically not been a great time for us. Kiddo is not quite as nervous of the dentist as he is of the phlebotomist, but it's pretty close. This was just a cleaning, though, so no shots and no pain and it was okay. He actually did really well holding still and following directions, and he doesn't need anything else for six more months. Yes! I was so happy that we walked next door to Gamestop where he picked out Fallout 4, which was on an excellent sale because it's kind of old now. He can't play it until he is done with his catch up work, but both he and my husband are very excited about it.  Husband made dinner, an experimental spaghetti variant involving crushing diced canned tomatoes with a potato masher, because I was trying to explain to MIL how to attach files to email again. She wanted to send me some documents so I can three-way-call with her and the financial advisor tomorrow, but she couldn't access her own email and couldn't figure out how to move the scanned documents (sixteen pages, each one its own file) anyplace that I could access them. She finally got one good picture of the first page with her camera and texted it to me, and then we decided that was enough for now. I don't know bologna about this stuff anyway, so hopefully the advisor will explain it to both of us tomorrow. The spaghetti was good.  Evening was less busy, which was nice. Kiddo took a shower with minimal complaining, and decided that he really wants to join our online Mutants and Masterminds group, which is two years older than he is by now. I told him that was fine, but he has to be willing to really work on his posts because this group requires good spelling and complete sentences in every post. (This is true, and ordinarily we probably wouldn't have a player this young despite no official rules against it, but we have put thousands of dollars into owning the site over the years and that ought to come with at least small privileges.) I don't know if he'll actually do it, but he's coming up with a character concept and we'll help him build it and see how it goes. It would be excellent writing practice! We'll get started on that tomorrow. 

[trex98dreams]

Chapter 10: Claimed

Present Day

Brooklyn, 2021.

Y/N’s POV

My eyes widened, feeling like it could pop out any minute now. For some reason, my breathing also stops while my face has loss the color of it's blood.

Ok, that's exaggerated.

But seeing Jungkook standing 10 feet away from me with his eyes staring directly towards us, that explains everything. I look at Youngji and she looks back at me while Dahyun, Hanbin, Jackson and Jimin was too immersed on him to notice I was probably freaking out. I scoot closer to Youngji and pretended to not notice him standing there.

"Please tell me what i'm seeing isn't true." I whispered to Youngji. She clearly see my pale face, heck, i think everybody can see how panic my face looks. She turns to looks at me, breaking eye contact with him.

"I wish i could tell you that Y/N," she whispered back. I bit my bottom lip in annoyance. I never imagined i'm going to see him again after all these years. Oh wanna know why?

Because this is the guy that accidentally broke my heart 8 years ago.

"Did he see us? Do you think he notice us? Do you think he still-"

"Don't worry, i don't think he still remember any of us, he's just a history remember?" She comforts me.

"Then why the heck is he staring right back at us?" I ask her, panicking.

Youngji let out a chuckled.

"Y/N, calm down. He's probably looking at those giddy girls behind us." Yup, Maybe he is since the girls behind us keep waving at him to sit with them. No way he's looking at us.

Hearing the girl's giggles, the guys turn back to us and Jimin stares at me. "Are you okay Y/N?" He asks caringly and i just nodded. I let out a steady breath and sigh in relief.

I face palmed myself and laugh softly. What was i thinking? I'm just freaking out for nothing! It's not like he ever talk to me face to face, I bet he doesn't even remember i'm his classmate let alone knows about my crush towards him. I ignore that panic feels and started eating.

If he was here, then i'll just let him be. There's no need for me to get panic and such, we were never anything in high school anyways. My friends laugh at the girls behind us and resumed our conversation about the day without anybody asking a single question about the new guy.

But not even 10 minutes later, as I was in the middle of finishing my meal,

"Lee Y/N."

I paused. The feelings I have earlier came back making my stomach twisted. I prayed this is just some sort of weird dream but it isn't because the fact that i knew exactly whose voice are those seems very real yet unreal to me. Ridiculous right?

I squeeze Youngji's hand. My friend's gaze shifted to him again. I guess even Jimin doesn't even knew who he is from the curious look on his face even that we're in the same school and right now, Jeon Jungkook is standing right in front of me just across the table.

I don't know why but i strongly reject the idea of making eye contact with him. I think mainly because he's my first crush that broke my heart without himself knowing a thing about how i felt.

"You.. you remember me? It's me.. urm.. Jungkook.. Jeon Jungkook," He said making me shift uncomfortably. How am i suppose to answer now? He knew my name and the fact that my friend's curious face are killing me for an answer, i just have to force myself to look at him. I inhaled deeply, put my spoon down and bring myself to look up at him.

Our eyes met for the first time.

"Yes I'm Y/N.. but sorry, i don't recall anything about someone name Jungkook before.. sorry," I apologized. What am i supposed to say? That's the only brilliant plan i have right now. I don't want him to think i remember him. The least I can do is lie so he won't bother asking me question.

He stayed silent but i can see his eyebrow furrows. He stares in my eyes deeply before saying,

"Y/N, Don't do this please. Don't act as if you don't know me. And hello to you too Youngji, i know you remember me as well." My eyes widened in fear. Jungkook knew i'm lying. How does he even...?

"And you're.. Jimin right? You and Y/N were close friends in high school right?" He adds. How did he even know Jimin? Ok, maybe he always see us together in school. That's a surprise.

"Urmm yeah! Nice to meet you Jungkook. You're that guy from the Taekwando class right? That's why you looks familiar, I've seen you in our school before." Jimin said. This is getting awkward.

I looked at Youngji and motioned for our 'Plan B.' You see, plan B is created by us when one of us is in trouble or in desperate need to get out of some complicated situation. In this case, i need that Plan B. Youngji pretend to look at her phone while Jimin was talking to Jungkook. I can see Hanbin, Dahyun and Jackson notice my expression changed.

"Y/N? You remember him? Jungkook says he used to be in your class. He-" Jimin told me but Youngji quickly cuts him.

"Oh look at the time! Y/N! We better quick! My appointment with the dentist going to start soon and you promised you'd accompanied me rightt??" Youngji said. She is such a horrible actress. But it seems as if they believed it.

"O-oh yeah, Urm, in that case we better go now, the bus is going to leave soon, see you guys later-" I abruptly stated and pulls Youngji out quickly.

The guys were surprised as well. Jackson must suspected something since Youngji and him practically live together to not know if she's seeing the dentist today.

Me and Youngji swiftly walks pass him. "Nice seeing you Jungkook but we gotta go," i exclaimed.

He stares at me sharply.

"Y/N..." He pauses.

"Are you mad at me?"

I stopped in my track, processing what he just ask. I turn to look at him.

"I don't even know you, why would i be mad at you?" I lied. He looked offended but i saw him clenching his jaw.

"You do knew me. In fact, you are mad at me, you haven't look at me properly ever since i arrive," he said making me shiver. I pulled Youngji's hand, not wanting to answer him. Youngji was startled but walks anyways since she knew how fragile i felt about Jungkook. That's when he stopped right in front of me.

He hold my wrist, making my brain stop functioning because of his touch. "Y/N can we talk? Please? I know you remember me, when i walk in just now i saw how you looked at me, you do know me because I- I-"

"Jungkook please. Ok, fine. I admit, i know you. I still remember you. We used to be classmates. Does that satisfy you?" I ask him panicky. I just wish he wouldn't mention about the rumor Irene spread about me ages ago. Not in front of my friends.

"No. It doesn't explains enough. I wanted to talk about-"

"Shut up!" I stopped him. My friends was shocked but kept quiet as if they're watching some angst movie.

His gaze softened. "I just wanted to talk to you, That's all i ask for."

I think for a second and exhaled a desperate sigh, having no choice but to comply his wishes.

"Fine. We'll talk, but not here. Follow me," I told him.

He followed my steps and from the corner of my eyes, i already saw my friends circling around Youngji to asks her questions that only she knew the answer.

But then Jimin suddenly stand up and held my shoulder making everybody around us look at this scene.

"Y/N what's going on?" He asks me and for the first time, i was speechless. Jungkook look at us with confused eyes.

"Urm.. nothing's going on Jimin, just, let me settle this for a while, yeah?" I told him but he shook his head. "No. I'm coming with you. You're my best friend and best friend protect each other." He said staring at Jungkook stoic figure. Jimin really do take things seriously this time.

"It's ok. I can handle this myself, Guys, please look after Jimin." I told my friends, especially Youngji. I know Jimin. Jungkook was the only guy i never told him anything about. Jimin never knew what happened between us because when we met, Jimin wasn't in my life yet that time.

And i would like it if he doesn't know the reason why Jungkook exists in my life because if he did, he would think i'm pathetic and thinks i shouldn't be too serious about this one-sided love. Jimin had always knew about who i'm crushing on and i don't want to embarrassed myself about Jungkook's story even more. He was my first love, at least let me save his story for my own.

Youngji and Jackson pull Jimin's hand and he stares at me as i walk away with Jungkook. "But Y/N.." he said softly yet i can hear Youngji said as i walk further,

"Jimin, She has to settle this on her own. Let her be."

...

Brooklyn University Park.

We sat there on a bench, in an awkward silence. Both of our eyes are on the ground, but i can feel his occasional glance at me. I was nervous, and so is he. I know i shouldn't be, but i can't help it. Of course, my feelings for him wasn't there anymore but for some reason, he still makes me nervous whenever he sits too close to me.

Maybe this is the first time, first time ever, we talk alone. Face to face. Properly.

It took me a few frustrated minutes before i broke the silence. I realize there's no point in meeting him if we're no talking at all.

"Jungkook, please, if you have anything to say, just say it now," I told him.

He stares at me with his dark brown eyes that i used to adore so much, taking a long deep breath before saying, "It's been nice to see you here Y/N," He said making me furrows my eyebrows. That's it?

"Urm.. yeah. Nice seeing you here too Jungkook," I answered back.

We were stuck in another awkward silence. This time, his gaze stays on me. I felt really uncomfortable now. I was about to open my mouth and leave, when he-

"Why did you do that?" He ask me. I blink my eyes rapidly.

"What do you mean? Do what?" I ask him back. His gaze was still fixed on me, making me feel a bit intimidated.

"Why do you pretend that you didn't know me?"

I was speechless. I don't know how i should answer his question. This is Jungkook. I used to love him. Even that he doesn't know anything about me, I know everything about him.

"I.. just- I.. think it's better that.. I say I didn't know you because we were never really friends, we were just classmates who never talk to each other in school," I stutters but he smirks.

"Just classmates?" He asks. I gulp but still, I didn't break eye contact with him.

"You know well that's a weak excuse Y/N. We were more than just classmates. And we did talk to each other, even that we're not friends."

Hearing him, I fumed. What is he implying now? We were never even friends so why is he claiming as if i'm the one who should apologize for pretending to not know him?

"Jungkook, listen. We were never friends. Whatever you said, I don't feel like we talked before besides that one time your friends said "you liked me" and that time you called and apologized. That's it. Now please, Is this all you want to talk about? If that's it, i'm leaving now-"

"Don't leave, Y/N. Don't walk away again. How dare you claimed you liked me and never even say a word to me?" I froze. I turn to face him when we were both already standing.

"What do you mean? I claimed I like you? What are you talking about Jungkook? Is this because of what those stupid rumors Irene said? Then trust me, I-"

"Y/N, stop. This isn't about that. I don't believe any of that." He stops me while I stared at him.

"The truth is, i know Y/N. I already know." He adds, making me even more confused.

"You know what? What are you saying right now Jungkook?" What is he saying? I need an explanation.

He release a huge sigh.

"I know you liked me in high school. You've liked me for three whole year isn't it?" he asks. I swallowed hardly feeling my heartbeat rate grew faster.

"How do you know? And what makes you think I claimed i like you?" I fired back. He looks at me surprisingly but replied,

"I always know Y/N. I always do."

Hearing him, No, I didn't feel flattered at all. It's the opposite. I was angry, mad, everything boils up when he said those words to me. My brain was thinking whether i should slap his face or yell at it. But my conscience was disturbed with his voice once more.

"Y/N.. i know what i did was wro-"

"You... you knew? You actually knew? huh, unbelievable. You're unbelievable Jungkook. You knew but you didn't do anything about it. And now, how dare you said i claimed i liked you, when you yourself didn't do anything about it." I said sharply. It angers me. He did it on purpose.

"When all this time, i was stupid enough for thinking, it was never your fault, I haven't had the guts to confess, you are the innocent one, and when sometimes i blame you, i had to regain my mind to think that you didn't know anything about my one-sided crush on you," I stated. I try to control my temper.

"I'm sorry Y/N! I never intended to do that to you, i don't want to break your heart by rejecting you, so i think it's better if i just pretend as if i didn't know your feelings, I'm really sorry-"

I cut him furiously. "Cut it Jungkook. I don't want to hear anything anymore. I'm leaving." I said and start to walk away before he pulls my wrist and force me to look at him.

"I'm not finished yet! Listen Y/N, let me explain it to you." He begs. I huffs deeply.

I felt as if my gaze only can kill him but i control myself. I felt sick but seeing him pleading me, i softened. Curse my heart for feeling like this! So i did what mature people did. I sit back on the bench, hearing him out. I stared at his nervous figure, fidgeting with his fingers. He wanted to explain, fine, i'll let him explain.

He took a deep breath once more before sitting down besides me.

"Y/N.. I.. The love was never one-sided. I like you too when we start being classmates. You were bright and funny even that you're a bit quiet that time. That's what attracts me. But, you.. you never show any interest in me, even when Yugyeom yells that i liked you, you didn't say anything, so i thought, you-"

"I what? I should blurt out i like you too and hug you? You expect me to kiss you like those school cheerleaders? You know i'm not like that Jungkook," i told him.

"I know! I know. But Y/N, trust me, that time, i like you too. I do, but when you show no sign, and you never really respond to any sarcasm my friends said, i though you hates the idea of us together and i just give up," he explains and i huffs.

"So instead of asking me out, you kept quiet and when you know the truth that i like you, you pretend as if you didn't knew about my feelings? You get a revenge and toyed with my heart? Some guy you are, Jungkook. Thanks for leading me on all those years," I said sarcastically. He looked at me in the eyes.

"Is that what you felt Y/N? I'm so sorry but trust me, it was never my intention to lead you on or anything and it was never about revenge. I- I do like you that time but I haven't had the slightest idea that you liked me back at first... and I-"

"You what?" I ask him.

He looks away. "I won't lie, but i'm in love with somebody else too at that time. I'm sorry Y/N, i really am, i wanted to ask you out but i can't forget about her and when you didn't show any interest on me, she came back in my life." He explains. Wow, some interesting explanation that is.

I smirked. I know who he's talking about. His supposed ex-girlfriend who actually become his girlfriend again. But i was never angry that they got back together, why should I? I'm in no position. But when this happens, i felt the scar of my broken heart bleeds again. But the difference is this time, i'm not crying.

"I know you're aware of my relationship with Nayeon, Y/N. And trust me, that time i though it was for your own good. I made our relationship public as a sign for you to get over me. But i'm wrong, and i was so stupid for thinking that because it hurts you even more than a rejection."

"I don't want to get your heart broken if i said "no" to you since i'm already with her, but Y/N, i didn't know you would be hurt this much, and i know you felt so upset when i ignore you whenever you say 'Hi' to me. I'm sorry Y/N, i'm really sorry." He apologized.

I felt sick after he tell me what he thinks is the truth. Bullshit! It hurts me even more knowing it.

"Y/N..?" He called me. I stared at him sharply, collecting my inner anger ready to took it out on him. It was about time.

"I'm not going to lie Jungkook but what you just said really pisses me off, tell me something, Why can't you just reject me? Day and night, i wonder whether you liked me back, whether you were thinking about me, just like i think about you. I though you were nice, a sweetheart, a decent guy at least but hey, you were just the same. Like all the guys who broke me. What's worse is you knew, but you decided to pretend you didn't so what? So i can get over you? Well newsflash Jungkook, I'm the kind that wants an answer before i give up!"

He looked at me sadly.

"You think, if you did that, i can get over you, yes, i did get over you, but with a very, very wounded heart. It's hard to forget about someone when we liked them too long, Jungkook. I doubt myself sometimes, should i get a nice guy like you? But now it's clear, you're the one who should never deserve somebody like me," I said, the pain in my chest rising.

He stares at me and quickly held my hand. I try to let go of his grip.

"Let go Jungkook, please. I need to get back to my friends," he shook his head and stares at me deep in the eyes.

"Y/N, all these years, i wonder what will happen if i confess, if i just tell you i liked you myself instead of denying and ignoring you even after my apologies. You were right, i didn't deserve you, you're a nice, sweet girl Y/N. I broke you heart and I don't know how much i regret not telling you that time and hurting your feelings in the process, but i truly apologize Y/N. I'm sorry."

"You know what Jungkook? Sorry just won't cut it. It's hard for me to think that you actually care because all you see is i'm your second choice. I'm not anybody's second choices. You lead me on, you gave me false hope, worst of all, you pretend as if you're clueless about us." He went speechless. I think he's just surprised by how i actually talk to him this time. He squeeze my hand softly.

"Y/N, i never saw you as a second choice, but i can't control about my feelings either, i know sorry seems impossible right now and there's nothing more i can say for my immature behavior but that time, i though it was the right thing to do for you to forget about me but i didn't think long that it comes with a consequences that hurts you. And i was so in love with her that i didn't think before i made a smart decision,"

"I'm sorry for leading you on. I should just talk it out with you instead, i'm so stupid. I though when we went back together, my complicated feelings about us will be gone but it got worst, even that i'm dating her, i never stop thinking what would it be like if it was you in her place." He said honestly.

"You think when you said all these, i will forgive you just like that? If you really sorry Jungkook, you wouldn't say that, you wouldn't regret whatever you had with Nayeon." I told him. I feel bad for the girl, her boyfriend is confused about his own feelings.

"That's not what i meant Y/N. What i meant is forgiveness, i know i shouldn't be begging for your forgiveness because i didn't deserve any, but living without telling you the real truth crushed my heart and I've done it for a long time now. I haven't been able to say it but now that i found you, i can." My heart begins to tremble. A part of me wanted to forgive him but another part wants to ignore it.

"Y/N, please, i won't ask for anything else. Instead, accept my apology, it's painful because i have lived with a lie for so long that it eats me day by day till i can no longer take it. I'm sorry Y/N, i'm sorry for breaking your heart 8 years ago." He said genuinely.

Jungkook was honest, i can see it in his eyes that he truly is sorry for what he did. I know i shouldn't be forgiving him but i'm a woman. I had a sensitive heart and that soft spot to just forgive him easily. I stayed quiet making him wonder about my decision nervously. He pull my chin up and that's when he saw me tearing up.

"Oh!.. you're.. crying.. I'm sorry Y/N, I'm so sorry for what i said, please don't cry," he said and held my hand. I was surprised but neither less, I held back and seconds later, i release his hand after calming myself down.

"It's fine Jungkook. I got a sand in my eyes.." I lied and he chuckled.

"You're a bad liar you know that?" He told me and i let out a soft laugh. He stares at me with hopeful eyes, wanting an answer for his apologies. I wiped my tears and smile.

"Thank you for your honesty, Jungkook. I am broken-hearted, Yes, and you did hurt me badly but in the end, that's all in the past, so i would very much like to forgive you, if only you promise me one thing," i said.

"What is it?" He asked.

I let out a soft chuckle. "Promise me you'll never broke anybody's heart like you did to me and after this, be honest because woman like honest, decent man." He nods and his eyes glimmers.

"So am i really forgiven now?" He asks me. I nod. "If that's what you like, then yes," i replied. His lips begins to curl up into a smile, showing his bunny teeth. He held my hand again.

"Thank you Y/N, thank you so much. You don't know what this means to me, but it means a lot. Thank you once again." Jungkook said to me. I smiled and begin to stand up making him automatically stand up also.

"So i better go now, they're waiting for me, see you." I told him before he runs to stop me again. "Y/N?" He called. I look at him once more.

"Would you.. urm.. would you like to be my friend?" He ask offering his hand. I smiled and took his offer.

"I would love to."

🍡

[shedrickflowersphotography]

Mississippi Girl Interview Series: Mind over Matter – Does it Matter?

Clancy Sohn

He’s 17 years my junior and could double for a man whose my age. He’s had a lifelong affair with fitness and in 1995 had a serious car wreck that very easily could have taken his life. He could have thrown in the towel but instead he kept moving, kept health and fitness at the forefront of his life, and waged a war with his mind to overcome it all. He epitomizes the word perseverance and has an old-school cool way about him. He actually reads paperback books (a lot of them) and buys milk and eggs from a local farmer near his home and wears converse high tops. There are other aspects of his life that he taps the breaks on as far as progress goes but health and fitness is not one of them.

I’ve had the pleasure of being his favorite sister-in-law (did I mention his only sister in law?) for many years. As I sit down with Leon Sohn to pick his brain about fitness (and I do this quite often), I’m reminded how he helped me and Lyle tremendously in the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months following my cancer diagnosis. Maybe he can shed some light for us about this mind over matter thing.

How did you overcome mentally and physically from your car accident in 1995 to get where you are today?

To make a long story short, I’ll need to enlighten you from the beginning…..

I was ejected from an automobile on the way home from work which broke my back. It was surreal because I remember every detail… I’ll bore you to tears one day with all the details, but for now I’ll give you a little insight on it all.

The hospital put me and my friend (the driver of the automobile) in a room together. An intake nurse came in the room to get some information from us and as I was describing what happened, suddenly she said, “You two are the ones in the bad wreck on northbound 67, right?” We assured her we were. She then went on to say in a hyper nervous kind of way, “My mom was taking me to work and we were behind you and saw everything!” She then pointed at me and said, “And when you flew out I told my mom may as well get a body bag for that one!”

There are 2 key takeaways from that situation that helped me overcome:

First key point: God puts people and situations in our paths to grow us. The nurses comments forced me to see how bad the accident was.  Sometimes when you are in the middle of a situation, you have blinders on, it becomes surreal. I just remember thanking God I landed in a ditch and not the pavement or shoulder of the road or I would have never made it, I realize that this was no accident. I have and always will be a work in progress but with each experience I become stronger mentally, it’s a choice I make.

Second key point:  God doesn’t make mistakes. You can relate with me here sister-in-law. I firmly believe that there are NO coincidences in life. A few months before the accident, I read a book called Rise and Walk (a coincidence? I think not!)

The book is about Dennis Byrd, a football player for the NY Jets. He was injured and temporarily paralyzed playing football for them. He said when he made it to the hospital, they had him lying flat in the emergency room and when they moved him to the upright position he vomited all over the place. Fast forward a couple of months and I find myself in the same position in the emergency room lying flat. The hospital staff come in, move me to the upright position, and you guessed it, I hurl all over the place. Instantly I thought, “Oh no!! I’m paralyzed like Dennis Byrd!” But I could move my fingers and toes so I thought, “Nah! Can’t be if I can move my fingers and toes.”

The doctor comes into the room and explains what my injuries were and how they were going to treat me. I asked him, “Doc, am I going to be able to squat and deadlift ever again?”  He looked at me for a moment (I guess he was trying to figure out what kind of goofball he had before him) and I never will forget his response. He didn’t respond kindly. “Boy, you’ve got much bigger problems then being able to squat or deadlift again someday!”

There is a sentence in the Dennis Byrd book that states, “God would not give you this cross if He knew you couldn’t bear it.” I thanked God, and still do when I think of that day that he landed me in a ditch instead of the concrete pavement. I vowed when I got out of the hospital to train harder then ever, and to never use it as an excuse. I grasp that it could have been way worse. It didn’t stop me, I would go to the gym looking like a turtle in this contraption of a brace that appeared to look like a turtle shell. I wasn’t going to let anything stop me.

What suggestions do you have for the person who wants to begin eating healthy and start an exercise regimen but never can seem to begin the process?

That’s an excellent question and the answer could cover many pages. If I could bottle the answer, it would make me rich, many people wonder this because they are THAT person.

My opinion is, it’s not that people can’t eat healthy or exercise. There is an abundance of healthy food available to everyone at our local grocery store and you could just walk and do calisthenics. I think people subconsciously make it bigger in their mind than what it is. They tell themselves, “Okay, I’m going to get in shape.” They then think, “Okay, I have to go to the store and get all my food. I’ll do that tomorrow and I need to get some new workout clothing cause I gotta look good! I need some new workout shoes. I’ll get those next week. I also better order some training books from Amazon. I gotta do the latest thing to make me look amazing.” Then guess what? This all takes days or weeks and then life happens, and then the fitness goal is soon DOA.

My suggestion is not novel, it is very simple. Just begin. MOVE! I compare it to a cars headlight shining at night. Go as far as you can see and when you get there you will be able to see farther.

It’s been proven in change psychology that if you take just one habit and work on mastering it, you have a better then 80% chance of succeeding.  What happens if you add one more? It goes all the way down to 35%!  You can imagine how the chance for success plummets if you try to change 3 or more! I recommend starting with one simple habit that if mastered would have a major impact upon your health and fitness. Now here’s the excuse people will use, “But it takes so long doing that.” WRONG. These same geeks that did the research in change psychology found that it’s only slower initially but much faster overall and found that for the large majority of people it becomes a permanent and positive change.

So, don’t make it bigger in your head than what it is, begin NOW. Choose one habit that will have a positive impact on your health and master it, then choose another. In my opinion, this is the best and fastest way to physical health and fitness.

How big a role does the mind play in the process?

Jokingly, I say it’s mind over matter and if you have no mind, it doesn’t matter. I think it’s safe to say the mental aspect is of paramount importance. However, instead of droning on about something everyone knows is important, let’s talk about how to program it to work for you. You’ve probably heard the statement, “Rarely are we interrupted by a good idea.” This simply means you have to cultivate your mind like a farmer does his farmland. You must put in the mind healthy “food” just like you put into your body. As Ben Franklin put it, it’s one of the best things you can do to become healthy, wealthy, and wise. Read something that helps you achieve what you are going after in life. Reading is to the mind what food is to the body, ESSENTIAL.

Put up pictures of the body you want to look like, and stay away from anyone who tries to sabotage you. You can’t afford the negative programming of sometimes well-meaning people or jealous people disguised as “friends.”

Why should people incorporate health and fitness into their lives?

Let me tell you the reason straight guys who’ve ever lifted a weight and worked to get in shape does it… GIRLS. If it wasn’t for girls most dudes would never pick up a weight!

Now for real answer….

It makes everything in your life better. If you’re strong and healthy you will enjoy your life more because you are able to do more. It could also save your life. The doctor who was treating me when I broke my back told me that my bones were bigger than average for a person my size. Years of weight training may have prevented a worse injury. Who knows, but I’m walking today so I believe it.

One of the biggest motivations to incorporate health and fitness into my life was that I wanted to set myself apart from the average. I was always a skinny runt and I wanted to FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF. It’s easy to see that only a small percentage of people are in shape. If you want to build your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-image, nothing beats training to get in shape and knowing you are doing something extraordinary which beats the heck out of ordinary. Who wants to be ordinary anyway?

Do you have days where you don’t want to eat right or exercise?  How do you push through?

Yes, many times. Training is something I truly love to do, but like all humans, we get lazy at times. Eating healthy all the time is tough for most people but here is what I’ve found out. If you talk about something, it’s a fantasy. If you plan for it, it’s then possible, but only if you schedule it does it become real.

Think about it. When we go to the doctor, dentist, lawyer, tax planner, investment advisor, our jobs, family get togethers, etc, it’s all scheduled.  Anything important is scheduled. Put it in your appointment book and keep that appointment as you do all others. That’s the key to being consistent today and 20 years from now.

Another thing I do in my mind is project myself three or six months or more into the future as if I had stopped training and eating right. I say to myself, “You really want to go back being a skinny runt with a pot belly?” Scares me so bad I go train!

My recommendation is to create a B.A.G. (Big Audacious Goal) so big and exciting that it motivates you to eat well and train consistently.

Can you share with us what foods are off limits for you?

Hot dogs, bologna, spam, processed food like that. Read the ingredients of that garbage – Yuk! 

What’s your favorite quote?

I have more than one favorite quote. Reading and quotes have helped me through so many low parts of my life when major storms blew my way.

“Discipline equals freedom”  ~ Jocko Willink

So many times, people think “discipline” is restricting. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. It’s freeing.

For instance, if I’m disciplined with my health, I’m free to live my life of disease and shame. If I’m disciplined with my finances, I’m free from bill collectors and the worry and stress from debt.

The examples are endless.

Another quote I like is “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage” ~Anais Nin

Courage doesn’t mean you have no fear. I have many fears. It means to act in-spite of fear if the outcome is noble.

I ask the question again, does mind over matter actually matter? I believe it does. Through my own experiences over the past year I found that I can talk myself into believing just about anything. Self-discipline and courage help us overcome many difficulties in life. Leon has shown me that I can accomplish just about anything I set out to do long as I let my mind lead the way. He has been my personal trainer since 2010 and my brother-in-law much longer than that. I love you Leon. Thank you for helping me set myself free from my own mind.

We are all works in progress. Let’s keep on progressing!

from Mississippi Girl Interview Series: Mind over Matter – Does it Matter?

[onedirectionfangirloh-blog]

The dentist appointment part 2.

Read part 1. here. 

He sat down on his chair and was smiling down at me.

“I´m just going to put your chair down now, so I can take a proper look in your whole mouth.” He said as he used his foot to do so. He took the tray closer towards him and lowered it down towards my chest, then he stretched his arm up for the lamp and clicked the button on and the frightful dentist light was adjusted to my mouth. He took the glowes from the tray on and i cringed at the sound, he saw that and slightly laughed at my reaction, as he always do. And then he rolled his chair underneath my head and replaced the bib and then took his mask up. I gulped my the sight of it.

As he had reached for the mirror and lowered it towards my mouth he asked me to open my mouth. I slightly shaked my head no.

“I have to take a look at your teeth in order to know what´s wrong.” He said with a slightly stern voice, looking me directly in my eyes. This was the first time of the whole time being here I noticed I had pain in my mouth again. I guess me being here and working myself up with whatever dreadful thing that could happen, have made me forgetting about my pain.

“Can you explain to me where your pain is?”

“It´s back in my upper left side”.

“Okey, open please.” I hesitantly opened my mouth a little. “You need to open bigger than that love.” He sad playfully as he helped me open my mouth with his other hand. One of his hand were holding the mirror looking around in my mouth the other was holding my chin in order for him getting more space to look around. But when he reached out to take the probe I shut my mouth and shacked my head and said “naha..”

“I need you to open your mouth again in order for me to take the mirror out.” Harry said quickly. I did as he said, but shut my mouth quickly again so that neither of the tools could take place. “Nina, I totally respect that you are nervous and scared, but you can´t shut your mouth like that why I have my tools inside it. It can hurt you and it can cause more damage than it already is. And I also don't want you to bite off my fingers today. If you feel like your that scared again, just make a sound or raise your left hand for me please, then I will stop immediately what I´m doing.”

“Oh I´m sorry, Harry.”

“It´s alright, now you know. But what got you so scared now?”

“I thought you were going to stick the probe in the tooth that hurts”

“I am sorry to tell you that I have to do that in order to see if it´s a cavity, but I was going to go over your other teeth first, just like what I do at a normal checkup, and I will tell you when I´m going to have a feel on your tooth that hurts, alright?”

“Oh okey.” I give him a small smile. I can see he is smiling in return, due to the wrinkles by his eyes. It relaxes me a little.

I can feel him scraping around my teeth tapping each one, the sound isn´t my favourite, but still it isn't that bad as removing tooth tartar, that´s a horrible feeling. I feel that he is moving closer and closer to the back where I feel pain and he starts talking whilst working his way back.

“Your gums are a bit red and inflamed on this side of your mouth and you have more plaque build up here as well. Look..” He took out the probe to show me, I just find that so disgusting I make a face towards him and as normal, he laugh in response. “Hahhaa, I know, but it isn't that bad, overall in your mouth you don't have much plaque built up, I guess you haven't brushed well back here due the pain?” I slightly muffed a “yes” in response due to his hands still being inside my mouth. He nods a yes and smiles, just as his pleased with himself knowing right. “Aha, I think I found what caused the problem to your pain her miss Nina.. I just have to give it a small poke to make sure, her it comes” and before I know it I shout out and my eyes well up and tears starts to run down my sides of my face. “I know, I know, I´m going to put the chair up know so you can breath and have some water if you´ll like.” ..Click, and the chair starts to raise again.

Harry uses his feet to push himself and the chair towards me and as soon as he have taken his gloves off and his mask down under his jaw again he push the tray away and open his arms for me to come and join him. I cry out in pain and in fair, cause I know now for sure that there is something that needs to be fixed, cause his dentist of a boyfriend have just seen the problem himself. Harry holds me and strokes his hands up and down my back in order to try to calm me down. When I´m done crying he pushes me a bit backwards in order to se my face. I know I look like such a baby so I hide my face in the palms of my hands.

“Don´t hide yourself Nina. I want to see that pretty face of yours.”

“No, I have tears all over my face and that is an ugly style..”

“Haha, I´ve seen you cry before babe, don't worry about that. You are pretty cute anyway.” As he says that he push my hands away. “Babe, I am so sorry for being the reason for you crying and I hate to se you hurt, but it had to be done. I hope you understand me and don't hate me now.” I looked at him and he made a silly sad face, that face made me always smile.

“There´s that beautiful smile of yours, I love when your smiling with your teeth.” As soon as Harry said that I shut my mouth closed. “Why are you hiding your mouth now? You aren't even in the dental chair.”

“Because you said you loved looking at my ´beautiful´ teeth and my teeth aren't beautiful now are they? I have problems with them don´t I? That means they aren´t beautiful, and I bet you are ashamed having a girlfriend with bad teeth because you are working as a dentist and see so many prettier smiles everyday..” I feel tears coming in my eyes again.

“Honey, beautiful look at me. Now, look me in the eyes. Don't cry. Even though you have decay in your teeth doesn't mean that you don't have a pretty smile when you smile with them. I work with so many different patients everyday and I see so many different causes in each and every mouth. Even a pretty smile can hide so many nasty things, you have no idea. You have two cavities, but that doesn't mean that I am ashamed of having you as my girlfriend. Everyone can get cavities, darling, everyone. Even dentists have cavities sometimes. Some have very strong teeth that can have a cleaning once a day, others have very sensitive teeth that might brush and floss twice every day and still get cavities. I know you have a good mouth hygiene cause I live with you and I see how you work on that beautiful smile every day. But you might haven't been that good at flossing lately and I have forgotten to take you here for a 6 months cleaning and a checkup where you get a fluoride treatment as well. So this can have been caused by me as much as you babe.”

“I have two cavities?” I start sobbing again.

“Was that all you could hear me saying? Or did you get the rest of if to?”

“I could hear everything, but I don't want to have cavities.. Harry, you cant drill me!”

“Nina, in order for you to get the pain away I need to drill your two cavities away and then do a filling. And if you don't let me do it today then you are at the risk of needing two root fillings and you don't want that do you?”

“No of course not, but I also don't want the fillings.”

“Be reasonable now babe, You are only saying that because your scared, I do understand that but I know what I´m doing and on a daily basis I'm doing a minimum of three fillings a day. Trust me I´m good at it and I now for sure what I´m doing.” He kisses my head several times. I just lean in closer to hold him close and I move into his neck to smell his perfume. Thats something I have learned to do when I´m scared, because when I close my eyes and smell him and feel his steady breathing I feel so safe.

We just sit there for a while, and I am so glad that Harry is really using time to make sure I´m okey with everything.

“I have thought it over” I said as i break the silence. “And..?” Harry says with a slightly half-face smile. “Well there is not much other to do in order for me to get the pain away.” “That´s my brave girl. I am going to be as careful I can and do the best I can do, I love you Nina.” “I love you too, Harry.” We kissed each other and soon I was cringing again by the pain and Harry asked if he should set up for the procedure.

I sat myself down in the dreadful dental chair again and took a sip of water. My mouth was pretty dry due to all the crying. Harry was in almost every cupboard in his office finding stuff here and there by the sounds of it. I am happy my back was against were he was occupying the supplies, because I know I will panic if I get to see all the different things before they are placed on the tray. After a few minutes Harry came back with a new tray but this time it was covered with a blue paper, just like the blue bib I have around my neck. “Just for your relaxation so you don´t see all the tools, I think you might see the tools in a different view than I do” he said grinning, “No shit Sherlock, or should I say dr. Styles?” I said nervously laughing back to him. He gave me a peak on the lips before going over to wash his hands again. And suddenly he sat down on his stool again clicking with his foot to make my chair go backwards and then on with the lamp, he pushed the much more heavy tray towards me again and on with the gloves. “Eugh..” “Oh, sorry love”, he said to my response.

“What´s going to happen now is that I sadly need to numb you up.”

I started to cringe in the chair and my eyes started watering again.

“I know love, I am so sorry but as for so much pain you´ve had the last days you need numbing or else you would be hysterically crying all the procedure and that´s something neither of us want. I will start giving you some topical cream to numb your gums, before I give you the needle. I promise it would just be a pinch, and you will feel a bit of pressure, but thats all love, i promise you. When I have given you the needles we will take a break for it to start working.”

Harry take a end of the bib to dry my tears of. “Okey love, here comes the numbing cream, open up..   Good job.” Whilst the cream is working he turns around to the counter on the other side from the chair and I guess he´s preparing the needle. As so was I right, he turns around with one hand on his back, “Harry, I might be scared, but I´m not a child. I know you have the needle behind your back.” “Sorry.” he took the needle and put it on the tray and pushed the tray even closer so it was just over my chest.

Read part 3 here. 

[mywrittenpath]

December 1O 2O19

WOW! What a great past few days! Where to start....

Friday I picked Jess up from Baltimore airport. We came home, she met Papa and Madi. We went to the new Whole Foods for a delicious green smoothie topped with rose petals and walked around admiring all the great products they have in here. Jess was impressed and confused by the ‘city grocery store’. Then I had to take her to unique. She found a few great things and now when she wears them she will remember this trip. Next we went to Loving Hut for a yummy vegan dinner. I got the curry which is always so good, I think everything in that restaurant its pretty amazing. For the rest of the night we just hung out in my room, drinking wine and talking. Jess is definitely my favorite person to talk with. I appreciate her ability to articulate her observations and perspective so clearly - I admire it quite a but actually and hope to reach that point some day. 

The next morning I woke, wrote, and read a bit. When she woke up I took her to experience the glory of Anitas breakfast burritos - YUM! Then we went back to the house and talked some more, waiting for Mason to arrive. Upon his arrival we all, including Rora, headed to Scotts Run. Jess was surprised by the nature that is just 10 minutes from my house. She said she thought I was just trying to convince her of DC’s awesomeness when I explained it last spring. But yes, pleasantly surprised we have such a thing in the midst of this concrete. After our hike we went to Safeway to pick up wine. We did some wine tasting and picked a rose made with peach juice. I had frozen peaches at home so we use that to chill. For almost two hours Jess, Mason, Father, and myself gathered in the kitchen sharing stories over wine and beer. My dad was SO talkative. He had so many stories to share. Ones about his underground layers him and his friends dug to party and drink in the middle of McLean at age fifteen. Stories about how they use to terrorize police on their dirt bikes. The story of my dad being late for his dentist appointment but ended up in a police chase ending with him throwing his dirt bike into the bushes and hiding - only to pull up next to that same cop a month later at a red light. It gave him so much joy to share those stories and filled my heart to hear all about them. It also made me so happy that two people I love and appreciate so much got to be witness to my father sharing so much of himself. After that we all headed to the shack for drinks and dinner. All that gathered were Jess, Mason, Father, Stephen, Erik, Erika, Connor, Shelly, Stephen & his girlfriend, Bill, and myself. I was so happy to share that night with so many of the people I hold dear. I was so happy to introduce Jess to everyone while they all gathered to celebrate her. She said often that she felt so special, which I am so glad because she is! We all had so much fun. I don't think I’ve ever seen my dad that happy in my adult life. My dad (and mother) have lived such hard lives and they deserve to experience the joys of connecting, sharing space, socializing, and just having genuine fun. I feel like with all their depression they have lost sight of that which causes the cycle to perpetuate. I often just wish my parents would come out and be a part of my life so this really just filled my heart. I feel like I could go on and on about this night because of all the things that made me so happy about it but I’ll move on to the next day!

Sunday morning we all woke up hung over - SURPRISE. Intentions for leaving to DC around 10am flew right out the door. Jess, Mason, Stephen, and myself finally made it out the door and on our way around 2. We went to the Museum of Natural History which made Jess SO SO happy. She loves that place so much and I felt bad we only had a few hours to spend there because I know she could spend the whole day reading and viewing everything that it has to offer. After the museum we took the metro back all feeling terrible and hungry still. We went to Masala Indian food restaurant and had a great dinner. We came home, Jess got to hold Kiesha and chat with my mum for a little. We all hung in my room and talked for a bit and then I fell asleep on Mason. I remember waking throughout the night and being pleasantly surprised that Mason was sleeping next to me because he hadn't for a few nights. I love his sleeping face :)

Monday morning we woke, Mason left and I took Jess back to the airport. Her visit was perfect, she is perfect, I can't be more blessed by the people I have in my life. I went home and got ready for my very first massage interview which had been seriously haunting me for a week. I just told myself I wasn't nervous and went for it. I was pretty shaky filling out my paperwork, staff was very friendly and accepting/understanding - I gave the worst massage of my life. And then I got hired - ____- SOOOOO yay here we go. I get to be a massage therapist - the thing I went to school for two years ago. 

I’m feeling super confident and proud. I’m feeling focused and ready to transform myself yet again because life is this beautiful dance of transformation. Went to yoga this morning with Shelly and I’m really wanting to go back to it because I think it is INCREDIBLY important for my mental health and also for my job. I’ve been doing pretty good with what I’m eating, sitting here at Masons waiting for him to return from work with my computer, books, vegan chili, and blackberries.  I had the realization driving here today that my mental state will directly affect my income. So now more than ever my career relies on a healthy body and mind. The healthier I am the better I will be at my craft, the better I am the more money I can make and the more people I can help which will then return full circle affecting my health and wellbeing. So here we go, cheers to this new chapter in my life. Love to all, health to all, and clarity to all - byeeee.

[christinemaries]

~

So I’m doing something different, writing about yesterday in the morning of today, Friday. I’ll write about Friday later. I had a bit of a sleep in and it was hard to get up. The mornings are getting cooler. I took Chevi and Hunter to the forested meadow and they showed great delight. I packed in some breakfast, mainly healthy fats and fruit, and headed out the door. I went to my birth control appointment which was fairly prompt. The same doctor who saw me last time was there. She prescribed me a month’s worth and explained it would be much cheaper to go through the Government supported health clinic where I had initially gone. She explained the government was trying to help me whereas Shoppers and other drug marts drive their prices up to almost a dollar a pill. That’s nuts! At least I won’t be running out of pills now. I went to the gym after and had fun on the bouncy ball which got my heart rate up. I didn’t care how silly I looked bouncing up and down but it was fun. I also did some stretching and abs. Not every time I go to the gym needs to be a power show and I’m ok with that. I walked at an incline too. Then I headed over to my dentist appointment. The technician’s name was Krish. I was both nervous and excited to be there. It had been over 5 years, which makes me cringe. I still remembered the feeling of the pick and the tongue grasping at the air sucker. He informed me I have 26 teeth, an almost perfect healthy heart condition - 120/81- which I am very pleased about (perfect is 120/80) He was also impressed with my teeth and explained most people would need 4 or 5 cleaning “units” of 15 minutes. I guess I was 20 so didn’t entirely get my money’s worth for the second round. I insisted on fluoride which is the most expensive minute of your life ever. 55$ for a swish in the mouth for a minute. It almost felt like less than. I wanted to sneak some more but resisted. He took some side xrays and booked me in for another appointment for my consultation and to fix my broken wire from eating an almond. Next I went to the career center I’d been wanting to go to for awhile. The man at the desk had me fill out some paperwork and print off my resume. He said Leanne would be with me shortly. Turns out I was with Sheila and rightly so. Probably within 10 or 15 minutes of being with Sheila I was balling. She was telling me stories of accepting herself, going easy on herself, putting herself first, loving herself and not getting manipulated by men. She was so inspiring the confidence she carried and reminder that I CREATE MY OWN REALITY. I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF. She told herself that daily until it stuck. She recommended I attend some workshops which I will and figure out who I am. She also recommended I do more things for myself that bring me joy. Writing is one of the things I do for myself and I didn’t make time for it last night, I painted and watched Porco Rosso instead. She basically said to work on my confidence and the right thing will come when I believe I deserve it. She said I’ve been going through a vicious cycle of it’s not for me, nothing’s for me. I’m glad I had my scarf blanket which I’d brought for comfort at that dentist. That’s showing compassion for myself. I will get to a spiritual level like Sheila someday. She will be a good mentor but for the first meeting with her, I just cried. She said that's ok, she cries too and to accept it! I did and left feeling ok. Cried a bit in the car and decided I’d paint that night which is exactly what I did.

[thisisntjustmsthisisleahsms-blog]

Multiple Sclerosis anyone?

This is a blog all about my experience with Multiple Sclerosis, since being diagnosed with it at the age of 18, in 2010.  Hopefully you won’t see this as me complaining about my MS because, in actual fact, it has given me some of the most entertaining years of my young life. Yes it’s shit, but that’s the hand I’ve been dealt and I may as well make the most of it, right? If someone can write a blog that is literally called “The dullest blog in the world”, about the perfect room temperature or other pointless shit like that and still get hundreds of readers, then I can damn well write one about this. This is to remind you all that although I may look perfectly normal on the outside, the fact of the matter is, I’m disabled. Some people like to forget this and regularly become confused or annoyed, as to why I can’t lift heavy objects or walk at a high speed for long periods of time. Perhaps it’s easier for them to pretend that there’s nothing wrong with me, but there’s only so many times I can remind a person that I have MS, without it sounding like a “feeble excuse” not to do something, which is how it is taken a lot of the time. Just imagine if you will, that you only had one hand and someone asked you to juggle for them. Sure, you’d have a crack at it just to save face, but imagine how you’d feel as you dropped your balls for the millionth time (phrasing), only to find that the person who asked you to juggle with your one hand, was rolling their eyes in annoyance.

Welcome to my world.

Whether you have MS or you don’t or maybe you’re one of those people that have stayed up till 3am, lost in a click bait nightmare and have stumbled across this shambles of a tale, sit back and try to enjoy this hideous account of my journey with Multiple Sclerosis.

And remember, this isn’t just MS, this is Leah’s MS.

 The Lapse

It all started with an A-symmetrical face.

Just before Christmas of 2010, I awoke one morning only to find that I couldn’t feel the left hand side of my tongue. My first thought, was that I was coming around from some sort of dental gas and air, but upon waking up properly and remembering that I hadn’t been to the dentist for quite some time, I became fairly concerned. I proceeded to fly to the bathroom mirror and poke around at my tongue, biting down on it numerous times, alas to no avail.  Anyone else would have mentioned this to someone, particularly during breakfast upon discovering that you can’t taste anything on one side either, but not me. I decided not to. What could I possibly expect someone to do if I came downstairs and announced that I had half a numb tongue? Absolutely fuck all.

I continued about my day as per, until mid way through a chicken sandwich at lunch, when I realised that this numbness had now spread into my left cheek, inside and out. What the fuck is happening? Once again I found myself in front of a mirror and had anyone walked at that moment, I would have looked absolutely mental. Aggressively poking myself in the cheek, pushing it up and down, all around and became very aware that actually, my cheek wasn’t moving much at all. I began smiling and frowning to myself in the mirror over and over, my cheek staying more or less where it was, resulting in a very straight mouth. I decided to ask a few people to have a look and the general consensus was that it looked like I had resting bitch face, which is never a good thing and particularly not when you work on the door in a restaurant.

I got home, told my parents of this bizarre occurrence and they were obviously as confused as I was. After them both having a good prod about my face, my mum suggested having a bath.

“Maybe you’ve got some sort of nasal infection, the steam will help!”

Now, I’ve never heard of anyone with a bad cold having a numb face, but I thought what do I know? I’m only 17 at this point; maybe this is just something that happens from time to time? Half the country could be walking around with colds and a numb face and they wouldn’t broadcast it, so how would I know? Into the bath I got and about 20 minutes in, the remainder of the left hand side of my face had followed suit and become numb. The only way I can explain this sensation to anyone is, imagine you’ve got dead leg and now imagine if that happened, but to your face and with no relief. No shaking it off, no having a quick jig to get rid of the pins and needles, just constant numbness. It was questionable.

“Well, it does look very A-symmetric...”

What the fuck? Why? Why would you tell a 17 year old girl, that her face looks A-symmetrical? Cheers dad. From here, everyone suddenly got very serious. There were various suggestions surrounding the cause of this strange phenomenon from my parents including, at one point, a fear that I was experiencing some form of incredibly gradual Stroke. Being quite late by now, we decided that the best course of action was to see the doctor the following day.

He, however, was equally perplexed and suggested that it could be something to do with my teeth, but I definitely hadn’t had a stroke and I shouldn’t worry. Famous last words. The following week, I visited the dentist. I went in, sat down in the hideously unflattering leather chair and explained my plight. She had a quick look around in my mouth, stood up, muttered something to the nurse and left the room. The nurse then asks me to go back to the waiting room, no explanation, no reassurance, nothing. After about 10 minutes of me sweating in the waiting room, clueless, the dentist comes back and explains that she’s asked the head dental expert to take a look, as he just so happens to be here today. I followed her through to a new dental chair, this one in a room akin to something out of A Clockwork Orange. In case you hadn’t cottoned on by now, I’m not a fan of the dentist. This fear was only reinforced by the fact that, as I took my seat, I turned to see not 1dentist, but 4 of the fuckers stood facing me from the doorway. Without so much as a how do you do, they all launched into my mouth, mirrors, pokers and hands everywhere, pressing down on the roof of my mouth, back of my throat and doing a full circuit of my gums with a large, latex clad finger, all while discussing my various dental problems between themselves above my fucking face. After 20 minutes of this sheer and blatant abuse to my mouth, the head dentist, a big booming man who reminded me of Bryan Blessed, told me that there was nothing they’d found that could be causing any of the numbness in my face. Oh but he did feel the need to stick his oar in and tell me that I needed to start flossing. Well fuck you, I thought; even if something does go wrong with my mouth now, I won’t be able to feel it anyway.

 The scan

Over the next few weeks, between my birthday and Christmas, there were a few more trips to the doctor before; finally, he referred me to Neurological Medicine at the hospital. Unfortunately because I couldn’t get a hospital appointment until March of 2011, by the time I saw the consultant, my face had returned more or less to normal.  Dr Gillmore was his name and on the face of it, sounded quite jolly to me. Oh how wrong I was. Into the room I walked, mother in tow, as he berated me with a string of medical facts and various possibilities of what could be happening inside my brain. This was of course done to reassure me, but in actually fact had the opposite effect, as by the time I came out of the room I was a quivering wreck. Had it not been for the fact that my mother works in said hospital and therefore understood some of the medical mumbo-jumbo that Dr Gillmore was spewing at my 18 year old self, which she then had to translate, I would have point blank refused to go back. Dr Gillmore if you’re reading this, please take this moment to understand that not everyone is a fucking Neurologist, or has any understanding of any of the terminology used by Neurological specialists, particularly not a terrified 18 year old girl.

“I’d like to get a better look inside that brain of yours. Let’s send you for an MRI scan shall we?”

To this day I don’t know why he phrased that as though it was an actual question, it’s not like I had much of a choice. Nah, I’m all good thanks mate, I’ll just stick with an intermittently numb face for the remainder of my days?!

Being 18, the only understanding I had of an MRI was what I’d seen on T.V, which isn’t the best first impression. It’s usually something on the news, along the lines of:

“Joe Bloggs here has a tumour in his head which, as you can see from the MRI scan, is the size of an average rugby ball.”

Ergo, I was incredibly nervous. What if I have a tumour inside MY head the size of an average rugby ball? So by the time I went to my allotted scan appointment, I was not in the highest of spirits, not that you’d have guessed, I’m quite good at using humour as a sort of shield so that people don’t do the whole “this is very serious, are you sure you’re feeling ok?” malark. My appointment was in a strange looking vehicle that looked almost like a tour bus, around the back of the hospital, so not dodgy at all. I climbed aboard, which is NEVER something you should find yourself saying when referring to an important medical scan, and followed 2 nurses into the scanning room, where I was told to “hop” onto the machine. When you go for one of these scans, you have to remove any extraneous items about your person, so jewellery, watches etc. And you have to let the technicians know if you have any medical additions, such as pace makers or pins in your leg, that kind of thing. I did as I was asked and removed various piercings, popping them into one of those little cardboard bowls that they usually give you to throw up in and it suddenly occurred to me that perhaps I should tell them about my contraceptive implant. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen an MRI machine, it’s basically a huge metal tube, with a sort of sliding metal bed attached to it. The nurse handed me a pair of earplugs to stop my eardrums from bursting, and yes that is what she said to me, I blurted out “I have a contraceptive implant!” It genuinely looked like I was suggesting she climb in there with me, which was not my intention. I explained that I wasn’t sure whether or not it counted as a “medical addition” and her response still haunts me to this day.

“Ohh right! Well it should be fine, just give us a shout if you start to feel it swell up and burn!”

And that was it, those were the words she left me with as she slid me into the big metal, claustrophobic tube, before promptly leaving the room. Well cheers then, cheers for reassuring me before I’m placed into a loud, metallic, magnetised nightmare for 45 minutes. Luckily, my arm did not swell or burn and although I felt like throwing up for the majority of my first time in the tube, which felt like a lot longer than 45 minutes, I was okay.

The Diagnosis

Ah Dr Gillmore. This would be the second and last time I was to see my consultant for around 6 years, until last week as it goes. In I walked, again with mother in tow and took a seat in the sweatbox that is Dr Gillmores office. If anyone from the QMC is reading this, tell whoever needs to be told that Clinic 3 needs some aircon, because 6 years on it’s still like a shit steam room in there. There, on the computer screen, is a picture of my brain. It’s only a picture of a brain, you might think, but when it’s your own brain you’re looking at, it’s actually quite daunting.

“Let’s dive straight in shall we? As you can see, the scan shows there are several legions on your brain...”

No I can’t see, I’m not qualified to look at what I am looking at! All I’m seeing is a black and white photo of the inside of my head, with various white dots sploged about the place. I won’t lie I don’t remember an awful lot of what he said after that until, after a further 10 minutes of him talking about legions and brain waves, he told me I had MS.

 I must point out now, that I’ve been in a rather large amount of denial where this is concerned, for a number of years and avoided telling numerous people about my diagnosis initially, for fear of being judged or treated differently. So, if you are one of these people that I’ve told about my diagnosis after 2011, as though it had only just happened, I apologise. It was not intended to be deceitful; it was merely me failing to come to terms with it, over and over again, because I wanted nothing more than to forget about it and pretend like it wasn’t affecting my life. Not telling people put me in some awkward positions when experiencing a relapse, as it meant that I would have to tell them about my MS and explaining all of that to various employers right at the start of a new job was something that I didn’t want to do – hence why I would have a relapse, need to take time off and so I just told them that I’d been diagnosed. To me, it wasn’t entirely untrue because every time I relapse, I go right back to that first day in the doctor’s office.

I’ll leave it there for now, I’m not sure what the proper blog etiquette is when it comes to length, but if I don’t stop now I’ll never shut up. Hopefully you’ve taken something from my story so far and you’ll want to read more about the hilarity that ensued after my diagnosis.

Thanks for reading guys.