#i hav had them ever since i was in first grade

[malfoyscoffee]

birthday cakes ౨ৎ draco malfoy

♡ draco malfoy x transfer!slytherin!reader ᝰ fluff, slight angst ☆ reader has neglectful parents, use of y/n

a.n.: this is my first fic for this account, so it's not my best work.

6:02 pm

“Finally, in a few hours, our lovely Y/N will be 16!” Pansy clapped her hands together in delight, excited for your birthday.

“Oh Pansy, it's not that serious.” You shrug while picking at your food.

You were a transfer student from Drumstrang, so this was indeed the first birthday you would spend at Hogwarts.

The moment you were placed into Slytherin, Draco approached you and befriended you into his group of friends. Ever since, you have grown closer with all of them.

Mattheo puts his fork down, “But Y/N, this is your first time celebrating your birthday with us!”

“He’s right,” Theodore started, “we should stay up till midnight since we don't have class tomorrow anyway.”

You looked up at your friends, knowing they wanted to cheer you up.

It was this morning when you received your monthly letter from your parents. They wrote that you should study harder to keep up your—currently perfect—grades, along with how they were going on another business trip to America.

They wrote about everything but your birthday.

This was nothing new, after all, they were always busy during your previous birthdays.

Blaise joined in, “If it makes you feel any better, we all had our gifts bought last month because someone,” he looked over at Pansy, “wanted to start gift shopping early.”

You turned to Pansy who simply grinned, “Oh, come on, you didn't have to spoil the surprise, Blaise!”

Pansy playfully slapped Blaise’s shoulder while you, Mattheo, and Theodore laughed.

The laughter died down and you spoke, “By the way, where's Draco?”

Draco Malfoy, your best friend. You would consider him the closest person to you in all of Hogwarts.

You haven't seen the blond a lot this week, mostly during classes. After classes ended, instead of him hanging out with you, he would leave the common room and not come back all night.

Two days ago, he returned late at night to the common room, passing by your group of friends while his dark robes were covered in some white powder. You asked what was wrong as he bee-lined towards the stairs, but he muttered something with a frustrated face; you haven't had a chance to talk to him since.

All the talk about your birthday made you start to feel excited, but you wanted Draco to be around too. But seeing how he has been the past week, you were starting to doubt he remembered your birthday.

You were too busy in thought to see the four of your friends sending eye signals to each other, each of them caught off-guard to give you an excuse.

Unlike Blaise exposing everyone’s early gift preparation, this was something that needed to be covered up.

Theodore cleared his throat first, “I think he's practicing more Quidditch. You know, since the season is starting soon.”

Mattheo added on, his food long forgotten, “You know how serious he is with beating every house, especially Gryffindor.”

“Oh,” you nodded your head “that reminds me, I'll see my first Hogwarts Quidditch match soon!” Your mood was suddenly lifted, thinking back to your old school’s Quidditch games. You always loved Quidditch and attended every game since you were a first-year at Drumstrang.

The moment you started to ramble to your friends about your favorite sport, you didn't hear the sighs of relief at your table.

11:50 pm

Pansy and Blaise were walking with you back to the common room. You just spent a few hours stargazing with them by the Black Lake.

Mattheo and Theodore said something about having to practice Quidditch with Draco too, which you didn't want to hold them back for. They made sure to tell you that they would meet the three of you back before midnight before they hurried off.

“We’re going to the Three Broomsticks tomorrow?”

“Of course, we’re going to have a birthday dinner. We always celebrate our birthdays there.”

You smiled, grateful to have wonderful friends. “It's not even my birthday yet, but thank you both for preparing so much. You guys know already, but I didn't celebrate my birthday during my childhood.”

Pansy and Blaise look at you with sadness, knowing about your life with your busy parents. It was a post-party hangout at Draco’s dorm when you opened up to all of them, partially because you were drunk, but also because you knew you could trust all five of them.

“Y/N, we’re your family too. We will always celebrate your day with you, so don't think too much about your parents.” You smiled at Blaise, grateful for his words.

The three of you finally reached the Slytherin common room. Although it was late, there were many students sprawled out of the room, hanging out with each other.

“Should we go check up on Draco?” Pansy asked, staring at her watch.

“Wouldn’t he be asleep?” You asked confused.

You assumed that since he was busy with Quidditch, he forgot about your birthday. The thought of him forgetting your birthday made you grow a bit sad, but you didn't want to make it a big deal.

Blaise started walking to the stairs, “He doesn't sleep early, come on.”

Pansy followed quickly behind Blaise, leaving you a little confused.

“Y/N!” Pansy yelled from the top of the stairs, “Let’s go!”

You grew confused but followed after your friends, walking up the stairs to Draco’s room.

“Pansy? Blaise? Where did you guys go?” You reached the top and did not see your friends.

You approached Draco’s dorm, knocking on the door.

“Draco? Are you in here?” You pushed the knob, stepping inside the dark room. You took two steps before there was a loud sound next to you, like something popping.

12:00am

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY Y/N!”

The lights turned on and you looked around, Draco’s dorm decorated for your birthday. Green balloon letters were written ‘HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY’ and confetti was thrown all over the floor. There was also a stash of gifts in the corner of his room, definitely the one Pansy made them buy in advance.

You were immediately hugged by Pansy, “It’s midnight! The start of your big day!”

Blaise, Theodore, and Mattheo chuckled before all saying happy birthday to you.

You had never smiled so hard, feeling so grateful for all of your friends.

“What happened to Quidditch practice today?” You ask Theodore and Mattheo, assuming they must have decorated Draco’s room. However, it may have been the messy arrangement of the balloon letters that gave it away. 

Mattheo looked at you with wide eyes, “That was a lie. Sorry, we tried to have you distracted to prepare this.”

You let out a laugh, “It’s okay, wait a minute, then what about Draco’s practices?”

The group felt silent, not before looking behind you at the currently opened door “If your practices were a lie, then was Draco’s-”

“Happy Birthday, Y/N” A voice interrupted your own.

You turned your body to the door, and a smiling Draco entered the room. Looking at his hands, he held a green cake with a single lit candle on top. It spelled out ‘Happy Birthday Y/N’ in frosting.

“Draco? What is this?”

“Well, snake's out of the bag,” Draco said standing in front of you.

Pansy went to stand beside you first, “But before, let’s sing first!”

The others agreed and started to sing you a happy birthday, Mattheo’s off-pitch voice making you laugh the whole time. When they finished you smiled, closing your eyes to make to make a wish before blowing out the candle.

“Yay!” Mattheo screamed excitedly, jumping up and down.

“Let’s go down to the common room to eat!” Theodore suggested, leaving the room to race Mattheo.

The rest of you four laughed, following them quickly.

“So,” you started, “did Draco have practice this week?” You sat down on the couch as your friends surrounded you.

Draco grinned, “You’ve caught me. I made your cake myself.” Your eyes widened in surprise as he put the cake down for Pansy to cut it.

“You thought Pansy reminding us a month in advance to buy gifts was insane? Draco spent the entire week learning how to bake a cake for your birthday.”

Draco took a seat next to you on the couch, hiding behind you as Blaise and Mattheo teased him further.

“Is that true?” You asked Draco, who shrugged his shoulders as if it was nothing.

“Have the first slice, Y/N” Pansy passed you a slice on a plate that she somehow prepared while you were too shocked.

“Come on, tell us if it’s bad!” Mattheo said from the couch across from you, earning a smack in the head from Blaise.

You took a bite and it seemed like the cake was baked by a professional. You savored the taste and smiled, “It's delicious!”

That was all it took for Mattheo and Theodore to beg Pansy for slices, while Blaise was busy helping her cut the cake.

“Thank you, Draco, I didn't know.” He put his arm around your shoulder, leaning closer to you.

“I’m happy you love it, and that the cake didn't taste bad.” You laughed as you kept eating the cake.

“Y/N,” Blaise said, all your friends now settled down with cake slices except Draco, “You don’t understand. Not only did he learn how to bake that cake, he asked all of us to taste test it each time..”

A realization hit your eyes, “Is that why you were all sick a few days ago? It was his previous cakes?”

All your friends laughed as Draco hid his face in your neck embarrassed.

“At least it tastes wonderful now.” Mattheo munched on his cake slice with a smile, “Draco, you need to bake all of us birthday cakes now.”

Draco shook his head, before looking at you.

“Only for Y/N’s birthdays.”

[copyquat]

Having lightcannon feelings so may i present you with:

Random SG Lightcannon Headcanons From Someone Who Has Never Read Official SG Material (aka, me ranting about how these two exist rent free in my head)

-they go to a private school. this is only really important because i really like the idea of jinx calculating exactly how much effort she needs to put in to stay in the same school as lux while doing as little as possible

-jinx is still the smartest person in class though and it kinda bugs lux that she puts so much effort in to her schooling while jinx puts the absolute minimum knowing she could easily have as good if not better grades

-on to more actual relationship stuff lux is a lot less uptight with jinx than you’d expect at least before becoming saviors of the planet. jinx is the only person she knows and trusts she doesn’t have to be the perfect child around and having spent so long around jinx she’s developed a bit of a gremlin side

-she has absolutely asked jinx for help sneaking out to watch a movie or go to a concert and has on a lot more than one occasion been a willing accomplice in jinx’s mayhem

-she has also occasionally been the one to instigate the chaos i.e. she sometimes goes up to jinx like “these assholes deserve it how do we get back at them?”

-auntie jinx is so proud

-their relationship starts to deteriorate a bit when they become star guardians, jinx only joined because lux did and they’re joined at the hip (they promised to stay together “till the end of the world” when they were kids) but lux feels the need to be responsible because of they whole protecting the world thing

-jinx has for the longest time only ever cared about staying with lux but lux having daily training and getting on her case for not taking being a star guardian super seriously is starting to bug her

-lux on the other hand is stressed trying to be the perfect child and the perfect leader and started bottling her feelings up, at times lashing out at jinx cause she’s unfortunately an easy target (she always regrets it immediately if not soon after doing so) and is also maybe having a bit of gay panic when jinx disappears for the first time and she realizes she might like her best friend a bit more than she “should”

-this is not at all made better when ezreal becomes a star guardian and classic jinx jealousy starts to boil up

-on ez i like the idea that while he is interested in lux he eventually realizes “omg these bitches gay” and starts to wingman for them :P

-lux doesn’t realize jinx definitely has feelings for her as well until she has an argument with poppy about how jinx doesn’t care about saving the world. lux insists she does but poppy goes off “no she doesn’t! she cares about you! she joined because YOU did, she keeps coming back cause YOUR STILL HERE, and every time she looks at you she’s got these big stupid lovesick puppy eyes! im sick off watching you two dance around each other just fucking kiss already!”

-lux is flabbergasted at the idea jinx might (definitely) feels the same way but also feels guilty about being the reason jinx put herself in such a dangerous role to begin with

-jinx on the other hand naturally has self worth issues and doesn’t feel she’s good enough for lux and is absolutely terrified of lux not wanting to be her friend anymore

-sometimes after she runs away she has a meltdown terrified that this was the last straw and when she goes back lux will have had enough of her

-but lux can’t ever get enough of jinx though of course. they’re best friends after all and they promised they’d be together forever, till the end of the world…

-some other minor things when lux can get mimi into not a wand form she joins shiro and kuro’s mischief making and is unnaturally fine with whatever the balls of chaos do (i wonder who this is supposed to represent :P)

-i like the idea of vi having purple hair in the sg universe since most characters have different hair colors and i think itd be funny for sg vi and jinx to have swapped their canon hair color hues and also it still fits with her name

-i also like the idea of before vi eventually shows back up into jinx’s life cait is kinda a big sister for jinx

-she’s a local cop and once helped jinx with a panic attack when she was younger and now has a soft spot for her despite her many many trouble making misadventures

-when jinx was moving in with her team she had to carry all her stuff on foot cause she doesn’t have a car and cait saw her and offered to help

-jinx ended up being the first one fully moved in and absolutely rubbed it in poppy’s face :P

[chloeandersonx]

Chloe decided she liked Charlie almost immediately. He was bright, he was funny, and he had the most wonderful wife. Charlie was all sides of the good that Nate needed in his life. Especially from someone who had gone through perhaps somewhat similar things to Nate himself. That's what she wanted the most for Nate, for him to see that even with all the shit that happened in his life, there were still good things to come. That not everything was darkness and pain and life wasn't there just to swim along it.

"I say get as close as we can. See whom ever cracks first." Chloe immediately looked at Nate, knowing he'd be the one to lock up first. So far that, she grinned. "You know, maybe I should put money on it, so then I could walk away from this dinner with some cash, too." She joked, looking back at the married couple. "I will start myself off, as I am the stranger here." She gently patted Nate's leg as she began to speak. "My grandparents came here from Sweden back ages ago, so technically, I'm a second generation American. I was a surgeon until I was suspended for a patient dying. I'm working on getting back to it now, though. I hav-..." She paused for a second, not sure which tense she had to use, yet her voice quivered lightly. "Sorry." Chloe quickly apologised with a smile. "Jasper is my brother, and he's been missing for a few years. But yeah, my dad really loved the MC because they helped us when no one else would and so I kind of was around that lot ever since I was little. So I think there are the main facts?" She knew she was talking a lot, but she wanted them to at least know the facts. "So what grade do I get?" She teased.

"Think if I'm murdering people for a documentary my standards are already low..." he quipped back in a small burst of laughter. With his attention on Chloe he had to hold himself back from messing up her hair as she fixed it, knowing that that would be more of a dick move considering the fact that she had no idea what was going on. “It’s not important and you look nice, stop fussing.” He wanted to say just to ease whatever thought she was having, there wasn’t any hidden meaning behind the meal they were going to have - at least not to Nate. He just knew Chloe could adjust herself to any situation she was in and even more so, he liked her company.

He chuckled as she whispered into his ear, “Girlfriend? No she’s not my girlfriend.” His brows furrowed as he shook his head, his expressions briefly reading one of obscenity, wondering where she jumped to that conclusion. Though it’s not like Nate had ever mentioned Emma before, so it made sense to some degree.

Nate’s eyes rolled lightly at Chloe’s mention of being an emotional support teddy, and he chirped in, in the background, “Not sure if you’re a good one.” It was a little tease as he kept himself back, letting Chloe have her introductions.

Charlie on the other hand, seemed to have a wide smile across his expressions as Chloe complimented his wife - somebody who he was still completely in love with after decades of marriage. “See, this is what I tell her everyday and every time she just thinks I want something…” he tutted softly, stealing a brief glance to Emma with a rather smug smirk filling his expressions, all while Emma laughed, “That’s because you do, dear,” she added in before happily taking her seat back down at the table.

As Chloe pulled Charlie into a hug he embraced it, clearly on that extroverted side of life. “Don’t need to thank me, it’s all him.” He whispered back, lifting his gaze towards Nate and in turn they both exchanged a smile as Nate took a seat down at the table.

Charlie gave Chloe a light squeeze before stepping back, now sitting down himself he listened to what Chloe had to say and chuckled, “Please do I like her.” Meaning for Nate to invite her more. “Depends how close you want us all to get,” Charlie responded, his tone light as he leaned closer to Emma just to whisper in her ear.

“Think we’re all close enough,” Nate laughed lightly, his attention turning to Chloe briefly, “They wanted me to bring somebody to prove that I actually have friends… probably should tell them I have no idea who you are, huh?” He joked, it was one that had Charlie and his wife both chuckling.

[blookmallow]

ok the world is Exhausting right now so i think its time i did an Animal of the Day for my FAV animal.......ive been savin this one bc i knew id get distracted looking at them for like 3 hours 

are u ready

today’s animal is

GUINEA PIGS

note!!! guinea pigs are not hamsters!!

hamsters are Small Tiny and have lil nub tails 

their ears stick up and they can hold stuff in their lil paws and sit like a squirrel

guinea pigs r bigger and have no tails at all!! their ears tend to go down and they don’t generally use their paws to hold stuff/don’t sit up like a squirrel 

they make LOTS OF DIFFERENT NOISES they love to talk. they r Very squeaky

here is a pig doin squeaks

here is a more in depth video about what different pig sounds mean

me too 

(im pretty sure this is from glitterpiggies?? rly A+ guinea pig blog follow them)

sO LOVELY! (this one is definitely glitterpiggies) 

baby piggos can see and run around on their own v quickly after they’re born!! they don’t have a weird lil pink blob phase like mice do

exclusive image of me @ my house

this is my picture of my current pig daisy (technically she’s my sister’s) falling asleep by my laptop 

this was. actually from like a few years ago but w/e

here she is investigating the Mysterious Blanket

my First Ever Pig was named wilber and he was Very Big and had the weirdest coloring ive ever seen 

featuring baby me and my brother too but??? this pig had a perfect line where his fur changed color he was exactly half tan and half white

the fluffiest jelly bean.....

some pigs are FANCY and have very very long fur. these ones r very difficult to keep clean. i had one once but her fur was not This long. her name was oreo she was Big too

who is she

some pigs have no hair at all they concern me a lil bit 

this is another kind of fance fur pig these r called abyssinians!! i had one when i was little that was all brown. her name was sniffles 

this is what we in the scientific community refer to as a fuzzbean

HAIL TO THE KING 

this looks like a smooch but im pretty sure they probably were fighting over food

THIS IS SO MANY!!!!!!!!! IM YELLIN

me

nOMPH

graceful

i could literally post guinea pig pictures all day go to my tag for more pigs :’)

[lovemesomesurveys]

What color are your eyes? Brown.  Is anyone you work with currently on maternity leave or vacation? I don’t have a job.  Favorite boys name? I like the name Alexander.  Baked macaroni and cheese or regular? Both are good, but I like the baked one more cause of the crispy breadcrumbs.  What’s the first thing you learned how to draw? I feel like it was a stick figure. Ha, or my version of one as a little kid, which was a circle with a line coming out each side and two on the bottom for the arms and legs. I completely left out the neck and torso, ha. 

Name one of your friends’ children: I don’t have any friends.  What was the name of your 5th grade teacher? Mrs. B.  Sterling silver or titanium? Sterling silver.  How many hours do you work in a day? Zero.  Have you ever been to a casino? Yes.  Who wrote the last book you read? AJ Rivers.  What’s the middle name of your bestfriend? My mom would probably prefer I don’t give that out.  What’s your favorite food? Boneless wings and chicken tenders.  How far away do you live from the closest aquarium? A couple hours away.  Favorite girls name? I like Autumn, Winter, Skye, Oceanna/Ocean.  Name one of your candle scents: I like the autumnal scents from Bath & Body Works.  What’s the name of your favorite restaurant? I don’t have a favorite restaurant.  Are you in a relationship? If so, how long? Nope. I’m very single.  Who in your family has a birthday in January? I think one of my cousin’s.  When was the last time you lost power? How long was it out and the cause? Last summer for like an hour or two. Do you know any twins? Yes.  What’s your favorite flower? I don’t really have one.  Pick 3 random colors: Rose gold, sea foam green, coral.  Would you ever dye your hair that color? Rose gold or sea foam green would be kinda dope, but no probably not. I’d just get a wig those colors.  Do you own any underwear that color? Yeah, all 3 colors. Can this be used as a last name? I’ve known some people whose last name was Green, but not any of the 3 colors I mentioned specifically. Stephanie Rose Gold sounds kinda cool, ha.  What’s your favorite country song? I don’t have a particular favorite, but I do like some country music.  Do you drink alcohol? Nope. It’s almost been a decade now since I’ve had any alcohol. Do you use any food delivery services such as UberEats, DoorDash, etc? DoorDash is my bestie. I’ve been on a 3 month cleanse, though, cause of my hospital stay and now even back at home because I still can’t have actual food. I’m waiting to get that damn swallow test still. :/ I want fooooood.  What color is your mailbox? Gray.  What is one school supply that is mainly needed? Writing utensils.  What age did you lose your virginity? I haven’t.  Dogs or cats? Dogs.  Do you know anyone who’s been to prison? Yes.  What’s one thing on your shopping list? There’s so much food I want to have once I’m able.  Freeze tag or musical chairs? I liked both as a kid.  Where did you go on your last vacation? To the beach.  Have you ever been stuck in the mud? No. What was the last thing you took a picture of? My coffee. I had my first fall drink of the year, which was an apple crisp macchiato from Starbucks.  Name someone you work with: -- How far away is the closest Walmart? Like a 10 minute drive.  Chick-fil-A, Taco Bell or McDonald��s? I like all 3.  Did you ever get an allowance as a child? Yes.  What food do you see the most of at baby showers? The first thing that came to mind were veggie platters.  Do you know the capital of your state? Yes.  Have you ever rode on a motorcycle? Yeah, I’ve ridden on the back of one when I was a kid with my dad.  When’s the last time you ate any type of sweet? May. D: I’m craving so many sweets.  Pizza rolls or bagel bites? Pizza Rolls.  What kind of flooring is in the room you’re in? Carpet.  Is the internet connection good where you live at? Yeah.  Do you need to do laundry? No. What’s your favorite scent? I have many favorite scents, but I don’t feel like listing them right now. I have before many times.  Have you ever lived in a hotel before? No. What kind of pets does your grandmother have? She has a little doggo, I forget what the breed is.  Do you follow any type of trials? Huh? What’s the last show you really got into that you have to wait for the next season of? Stranger Things.  SpongeBob or Patrick? Patrick.  When’s the last time you seen fireworks? A few weeks ago when my mom FaceTimed me from the baseball game she and my dad were at.  Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Yes.  Do you own a pair of fuzzy socks? I do. What kind of ice cream is your favorite? Strawberry, banana fudge pops, mint chocolate chip, cookies and cream, cookie dough, birthday cake, Snickers, Twix.  Have you ever been skinny dipping? Nooo. Sprinkles or frosting? Frosting.  Do you like mushrooms? No. How many tattoos do you have? Zero.  Do you own any type of hand sanitizers? I have several.  Have you ever worked in a grocery store? No. What’s your Subway order? Now it’s just the Italian herbs bread, turkey, cheese, spinach, avocado, salt and pepper, oil and vinegar. Back when I could have spicy food, though, I used to add jalapenos and banana peppers as well.  When was the last time you used the bathroom? A few hours ago.  Do you know how to roller skate? I can’t.  Can you read sheet music? I haven’t looked at or attempted to in almost 15 years.  How old is your youngest sibling? He’s 23.  Do you have an Amazon account? I do.  What day is payday? -- What’s one food your family has at Thanksgiving? Turkey is the main dish.  Do you like painting? I kinda do, but it’s something I very rarely ever do.  Have you ever been swimming with dolphins? No. What’s your favorite snack food? Chips and dip.  You’re watching Law & Order, is it the regular or SVU? Meh, I’m not into that show.  What was you doing last time it snowed? It doesn’t snow here. :/ Do you have to sleep with a fan on? Yes. I currently have 3 fans going.  Chapstick or lip gloss? Chapstick.  When was the last time you took a shower? It’s been a few months. I’ve only been able to do bed baths.  Do you know how to play basketball? I don’t play basketball, but I know how it’s played.  Name one thing you put on a salad: I like to add hard boiled eggs.  Do you own anything that’s your favorite color? I have several favorite colors and a lot of stuff, so much of those things are one of my favorite colors.  What’s the last thing you ordered from a Mexican restaurant? Shredded chicken with gravy, beans, rice, gravy and cheese dip, and tortillas on the side.  Do you carry a purse or a backpack? I use a mini backpack.  What kind of soda is your favorite? Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew, and various flavors of each.  Have you ever cut yourself shaving? Yes.  Penguins or pandas? Penguins.  Do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any.  What do you usually do for Christmas? Christmas Eve we have our Christmas dinner and watch Christmas movies. Christmas day we get up early to open presents and then just lounge around the rest of the day eating leftovers and checking out our new stuff.  Have you ever used any type of Aromatherapy? Yeah. Toe socks or ankle socks? Ankle socks.  Who’s your favorite Pokémon character? Jigglypuff.  What’s the temperature range in your area? Ugh, we’re still having triple digits.  Does your trash need to be taken out? I don’t think so. Nachos or chips and salsa? Mmm, I loved both when I could have spicy food. What’s the name of your pets? Princess Leia.  Have you been around anyone that creeped you out? Yes.  What’s your Chick-fil-A order? The chicken strips with Chick-Fil-A sauce.  Regular or pink lemonade? Neither.  Do you know anyone who’s lost their house in a natural disaster? No. What’s your favorite candy? M&Ms, Reese’s, KitKats, Twix.  Chinese or Japanese cuisine? Chinese.  Colored pencils or sharpies? Colored pencils.  Do you own a pair of Crocs? Nooooo. Have you ever been to DisneyWorld? No. I’ve been to Disneyland several times, though.  Does anyone in your family have a birthday in February? Yes.  How long does it take for your phone to fully charge? It charges pretty quick.  What color is your hairbrush? Green and black.  Is there any movies out that you want to see? There’s a few coming out soon I want to see.  Do you know how to run a cash register? No. Chicken or beef noodles? If we’re talking ramen, then beef. Pork is my favorite, though.  What year did you get your drivers license? I haven’t.  Do you have any piercings? Yes, just my earlobes.  What kind of makeup do you wear? I don’t even bother with makeup anymore.  What’s your Taco Bell order? Bean burrito with extra sauce and cheese, a couple of Doritos tacos, and sides of guac and sour cream. Sometimes I’ll get a chicken quesadilla.  Do you wear any type of shimmer spray or glitter? I just ordered one from Bath & Body Works. It’s one of their new Halloween scents.  Have you ever lived in a trailer/doublewide? No. What’s your boyfriends/girlfriends middle name? I’m still single.  Are you into anime? No. Pizza or nacho lunchables? Nacho.  Have you ever been to a strip club? No. Do you know how to play any instruments? No. I wish I would have kept up with the piano.  Have you ever been inside of a courtroom? No. What kind of restaurants do you eat at while you’re on vacation? Various ones. We avoid places we have back at home.  Did you ever participate in any pageants when you were younger? No. What kind of cheese is your favorite? I love cheese, various kinds.  Does your phone have any cracks or scuffs? Yes.  Have you ever had a professional massage? Nope. Which would you rather have, twins or triplets? I don’t want kids.  Do you drink energy drinks? Starbucks Doubleshot energy drinks. Every once in a great while I’ll have a Redbull.  Can you swim? No. Make the perfect taco salad: I’m basic--shredded chicken, cheese, guacamole, sour cream.  Have you ever lived with friends or a roommate? No. Who in your family has a birthday in March? I have a couple family members with March birthdays.  What kind of pasta do you like? Spaghetti, penne pesto, tortellini, raviolis.  Do you know how to play volleyball? I don’t play, but I know how it’s played. How much decorating do you do around the holidays? I haven’t done as much as I used to the past few years cause I haven’t had the energy, but ideally I’d go all out. I wanted to try and do that this year, but that’s not likely. :/ Have you ever been on a cruise? No. At what age did you learn how to tie your shoes? Like 4.  Oreos or chocolate chip cookies? Oooh, both.  What did you dress up for Halloween as a child? I had various costumes. Can you count to ten in Spanish? Yes.  Name a character from your favorite TV show: I have several favorite TV shows, but I’ll go with Max Mayfield from Stranger Things.  Do you like going to arcades? No. What was the last personal care item you bought from the store? Deodorant.  Airplanes or helicopters? Airplanes. Have you ever been camping for more than a week? I’ve never been camping at all. No thank you.  What kind of meat do you like the most? Chicken.  Chicken or Buffalo wings? It’s chicken wings and buffalo refers to like spicy buffalo sauce you can put on the wings, not buffalo meat. At least here that’s what it means.  Do you actually stop and pet dogs you actually see? No, I don’t go up to dogs I don’t know. You never know how they’ll react.  Have you ever been in an ambulance? Yes. I was in one last week when it brought me home from the hospital.  What’s the craziest thing you’ve found at a hotel before? I haven’t found anything crazy.  How far is the closest Target? About a ten minute drive. Snakes or spiders? EW, neither.  What’s your Panera Bread order? I love their French onion soup.  Do you have any cool keychains? Yes, to me they are. I have a ton of keychains.  How old is your oldest living grandparent? They’re in their late 80s.  Do you watch movies? Yes.  Who in your family has a birthday in April? One of my cousins.  Have you ever had your nails done professionally? Just once and it was for my 8th grade promotion, so it was quite a long time ago.  What color Christmas tree do you use? We get real trees, so they’re green. Well, last year we had our very first artificial tree, but it was still green.  What’s your go to dipping sauces? Ranch is the one I use the most. I like other sauces as well depending on what I’m eating.  Do you know how to properly pack a U-Haul truck? I wouldn’t be able to do that.  What was your least favorite math? ALL of it. I really struggled with math.  Have you ever been published in a magazine? No. What color is your snow gloves? I don’t have snow gloves.  How old were you when you last went to the dentist? I was in my 20s.  Do you own a printer? Yeah.  What’s your Applebees order? Chicken strips and fries.  Do you bring home seashells from the beach? No. Have you ever jumped on a trampoline with ...with? 

What kind of video games do you play? I love Mario Bro games.  Is anyone in your family in law enforcement? No. How long ago was the last funeral you attended? Back in 2010.  What color is the blanket on your bed? Mint green.  Where did you get your name from? My parents. Do you wear lipstick? No. What’s a fruit you dislike? Oranges.  What kind of donuts do you like? Glazed and maple.  Do you know how to braid hair? I can only do basic braids.  What’s one accessory you wear? I haven’t worn any in awhile.  How many hoodies/jackets do you own? Several.  What was the last name of the road you lived on? -- What brand of chocolate do you prefer? Hershey. I can’t think of the other brands I like.   Nike or Adidas? Adidas.  What will your future wedding colors be? I don’t plan on getting married.  Do you have a phone mount in your car? I don’t have a car, I don’t drive.  Make the perfect omelet: Cheese, avocado, green onions.  What’s the name of the air freshener closest to you? I just have my beach body spray from B&BW near me. 

[impala1967dwinchester]

Teacher!Dean Winchester: Crayons

Pairing: Teacher!Brother!Dean x Sister!Reader 

Pov: Deans 

Warnings: Cute Dean, fluff, lots of laughs, Dean making kids giggle, Dean being great with kids, Talk of Deans baby Y/n 

Summary- Dean and his sister (Y/n) doing cute little projects with his pre-school/ kindergarten class. 

Word Count: 3k 

Main Masterlist: 

Taglist: @akshi8278​ @deanswaywardgirl​

I’ve been working for the cute little mam and pop, day-care. This year will mark the second year I’ve been here.  

I grow-up with loving parents, and a baby sister. When Y/n was born I felt the natural pull to protect her, and make she was safe at all times. My parents, let me take that brotherly role in her life. My baby sister Y/n was only a year younger than me, so we pretty much did everything together.  

When we were in elementary school, I’d walk Y/n to her kindergarten class, and then I’d walk to my first-grade classroom. I honestly can’t believe I still remember that memory.  

I walked up the hall and to my classroom door. I had only had these kiddos for about three weeks now, but there were making great progress. And since today was Friday I thought it be cool if I dressed up a little and we had an arts and crafts day.  

I looked down at my watch, the digital numbers popping up it read “8:30″. ‘Great I had enough time to pull out all the supplies, and have a few more cups of coffee to keep up with the little munchkins.’  

I set my half empty coffee cup on my desk in the front of the classroom, and open the shades letting the morning sun fall into the class room. I pulled out my phone, scrolling through the abundance of playlists on my Spotify account.  

This was the only time, when the kids weren’t in my room was, I allowed to listen to my type of music. “Heck yeah, let’s rock baby.” I said as I clicked the most recent playlist.  

I set my phone down on my desk and walked around the room. I had a fairly small class this year. I had 2 baby girls that were only about ten months old, but the rest of my class was 2 years, which had the attention span of a Nat, and had the most energy I had ever seen.  

Ya, see I love working with this age group. The babies which have to come to day care are the most adorable little girls I had ever seen. Little toes and babbles coming from them as I would change them into their afternoon outfit, or we sit down and eat.  

My other kiddos were just having equally adorable. They’d raise their hands for everything, they also asked the oddest of question, but I think what I love most about being with these kiddos every day is that they make me so much happier.

I generally wake up in an over-all happy mood, but the minute my kiddos step into my room. I can feel the joy raise through me, starting at my toes and ending at head. And just like any day, I’m always the first to make it to the daycare. The second person to make their way into the building was my co-teacher. My co-teacher just so happens to be Y/n. She had a thing for being late, but I didn’t mind.  

Y/n walked into the classroom, setting her belongings on the rounded desk in the back of the classroom. When Y/n had told me, she had interned to be a part of the daycare I couldn’t help but feel so excited.  

Y/n and I’s relationship was prefect damn near unbreakable. Something about having her by my side thirty years later had a great feeling. “Hey big bro!” She said as she looked up after setting her things down on her desk.  

“Hey sis, you get enough sleep last night?” I asked knowing she probably didn’t, not with the way those two-year-old ran her ragged yesterday. Y/n and I had a system to how we took care of our class. I’d take Monday with the two-year-old, and then Tuesday I spent with the baby girls, Wednesday I was with the big kids again and then Thursday I was with the babies yet again Friday I’d take the big kids.  

Then the cycle would change and Y/n would start with having the big kids Monday. I went over to the paper section, pulling out craft paper, crayons and markers for the kids to play with. “Today if you can’t tell by my amazing outfit, it’s craft day.” I said walking past Y/n desk in the back, as I kicked out the raveling carpet.  

I set the paper down at my desk. The day care didn’t open until nine fifteen. “Sis, what may it be?” I said fancying my best London accent, doing things like this made me even happier, it got me in a mood to see my kiddos in the morning.  

“Tee time may be nine ten brother.” Y/n said trying her fancy on the old London accent. I got up, quickly turning my playlist off and standing neither my door, other teachers were starting to the same. I waited, and the first child I saw was one of baby girls. Her name was Amber. Her mother said hello handed me her Amber’s bags and then said a short and quick bye-bye to her daughter. “Y/n, Come get amber and bring her to the back room.” I said Y/n came running taking Amber to the back room.

The back room was meant for any kiddos under the age of one year old. It was a quiet space for them, a space dedicated to just them. When I handed Amber off, I heard coo at the Y/n, “Awe, good morning sweetheart.” I heard Y/n say has she walked father away from me and closer to the back room.  

The next kiddo was the other sweet baby girl. “Hey, Dean. I like the outfit today.” Said Poppies mother, and she handed me a sleeping poppy, and of course her bag for today. “And look you two match, how adorable.” Poppies mother said before kissing her baby's temple and then walking out the front door. The sun was starting to peak further above the horizon.  

I figured since Y/n wasn’t back yet that she was probably putting amber things in the respectful place. I set Poppy down slowly and softly. “Well, the two baby girls are here, you need anything with these two and I’m right outside okay, sis.” I said as I saw Y/n come back from the little kitchenette we had in the back room.  

AS Y/n got closer to me, she too noticed the matching outfits that me and Poppy were wearing. “You and poppy match today!” She spoke. Both poppy and I were wearing striped shirts, and dark blue overalls. The only different was that Poppy had a cute little bow in her short hair. “Okay, I’ve got to go out into the classroom and get ready for the other kiddos.” I said to Y/n before walking out of the back room.  

When I made it to the door, Justin, Rachel, Cassie, and Paula were standing outside with their parents. ‘Good morning!” As each kid kissed their mothers' cheeks and ran over to me.  

after all the parents had left, saying their goodbyes. We all went into the classroom. Like I said before my classroom room size was fairly small. Which I of course didn’t mind.  

The kids put all their belongings on the little racks, and ran over. In the morning time we’d sit around in a circle and say one good thing that happened yesterday. I never picked on the kids, I just let the first kid that wanted to go, start us off.  

Rachel was the first to start us off. “Yesterday, my mommy and I had ice cream for dessert.” She said her high and squeaky voice, making me smile. “Oh, that sounds awesome! Do you remember what flavor?” I asked sitting down like the kids were. “it was CHOCOLATE!” Rachel screamed the last part. “Oh, that does sounds yummy.” I spoke.  

The next kiddo to go was Paula, she started off by saying “When i got home yesterday, I help my daddy make dinner. And we had mac and cheese.” She said rubbing her tummy as she looked back at that not do long ago memory.  

Justin interrupted me before I could say anything “Mr. Dean? Where’s miss Y/n?” He spoke. playing with his shoe strings. “That a good question, but remember we have to raise out hand if we are going to ask a question.” I spoke. “I’m sorry.” Justin said.  

“To answer Justin question, Miss Y/n is in the back room’ I said pointing towards the door in the back. ‘She’s taking care of the babies today, like I did yesterday.” I spoke.  

“Really?” The four kids said in unison. I laughed a little. “Yes, Now Justin would you like to share your good thing?” I asked. “Of course, I want to share Mr. Dean. Yesterday, I helped my sissy with her make-up.” He said putting both his hands on his hips.  

I again laughed, another reason why I love working with kids. They are always no matter what so eccentric. “Okay Cassie, what was one good thing that happened yesterday?” I asked. Cassie and I had a rocky start in the begging of class. She was an overly shy girl, and talked softly. But she grew comfortable with me. “Mr. Dean?” She asked getting up from where she had been sitting. “Can I whisper it to you?” She asked.  

I just shook my head; she came closer and cupped her hands around my ear. “Yesterday, I told my mommy and daddy I couldn’t wait to come back to class.” She said in a very quiet whisper.

Awe I thought to myself, and said out loud. “I’m glad your excited to come to see me.” wrapping one of my arms around Cassie already small body and hugged her. “Okay kiddos, since today is the last day of the week. We’re are going to arts and crafts.”  I spoke.  

“Yay!” Justin said getting up and walking over to the little table. I looked over at Cassie, and smiled. she gave me a short smile and walked over to where Justin was. So, I got up and made sure that Rachel and Paula were walking with me. Once they were all sitting down at the table.

I grabbed the different colored papers, and the crayons and markers. Placing everything in the middle so they would be able to share. "Now kiddos, if you want anything else. I will be at my desks.” I spoke.

I sat down at my desk, trying to figure out anything else that I could do with the kiddos since today was Friday. ‘We could sit down and watch a movie; I could wait for them to do finished with their crafts, and then do another craft all together.’ I thought to myself.  

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard the back-room door open, “Um, Mr. Dean. I need your help!” Y/n said. The kids rose their heads, but went back to coloring when they noticed it was just Y/n. “Listen kiddos, I have to go help miss Y/n, so just continue doing your drawing.” I spoke. I heard a “Okay, Mr. Dean.”  

I walked to the back-room, Y/n walked back through the door, not shutting it. “What’s up Y/n? ” I asked. “I just needed your help, getting them into their afternoon clothes. They both had accidents.” Y/n said walking over to grab Amber and Poppy’s bag.  

“Alright then, let's get started.” I said taking Amber’s bag. When I came over to where Y/n and had laid them out on the soft blanket on the floor, Amber had her small hand wrapped around her small ankle chewing softing on her big toes. “Awe sweetie, not that icky.” I said taking her foot from her mouth. Amber’s mother had packed two different outfits, one being a short sleeve shirt that said “Daddy's girl!” in purple glitter with a black skirt. Her second outfit was a long sleeve that had a momma and baby elephant on it, with blue leggings.  

I held up either one of the shirts, I know she’s only ten, but I bet her Amber’s mom is letting her choose some sort of her outfits. I held the shirts up and Amber did the thing that most kids her age do which is grabby hands. Amber wanted to wear the elephants, which meant she was pants.  

So, I lightly lifted Amber's head to let me put her head in through the hole at the top of the shirt, then I had to grab her arms. Amber had this thing when you changed her cloths. All the sudden she’d become a wiggle worm. Finally, after a few minutes of trying to grab her arms, she let me. I gently put her hands and arms through the holes. Afterwards I put her leggings on and I sat her up in my lap.  

“The kiddos out there asked where you were today?” I said catching Y/n attention. “Did they? Awe that’s cute” She said had she lifted Poppy into her lap. “I’ve got them drawing out there, since it’s Friday.” I said “I figured you go easy on since today is Friday. Yesterday I tried to teach them number one through twenty, but it didn’t work out as I planned.” Y/n said laughing a little when poppy babbled into her lap.  

“I was thinking that we could let them watch a Disney movie and feed these girls, maybe go for nap time too.” I said lightly bouncing Amber in my lap, and she chewed on her binky. I saw Y/n face contort like it always did when she was thinking.  

“I don’t see why not; what movie were you thinking?” Y/n asked. Without missing a beat “Frozen” I said, a little giggle erupted from my younger sister. “Okay, I guess we got a plan then.” She said putting Poppy on her hip, and walking towards the door, so I followed her. “Let’s go Amber!” I said putting her on my hip and walking out of the room.  

When I walked out the kiddos were still coloring and drawing. “Alrighty kiddos let’s be done with coloring. Because we are going to watch a movie.” I said All heads turned and looked at me, in the moment you could hear a mouse scurrying across the floor for how quiet it was.  

“What movie are we watching?” Rachel said after raising her hand. “Rachel we are watching Frozen!” I said as I put Amber in the high chair. All that could be heard for a few seconds was screams of happiness.  

“Alrighty calm down, kids. I want you all to go sit on the carpet in the front of the classroom.” Y/n said as she buckled Poppy in her high chair. “I’ll get the movie started, and you get the babies food.” Y/n said. “Okay.”  

I walked in to the back room and grabbed their food. Y/n had finished set-up the movie and it had already started playing the starting credits. She walked back over, and grabbed a fandom one from my hand, and we started to feed the babies.  

The kiddos watch the movie in silence, at one point close to when Anna meets Kristoff. The babies were done eating so we took them out of the high chairs and set them down in our laps as we sat behind the kids. When Cassie noticed that we were now on the floor, she turned around, and crawled over to me.

Laying down and resting her head on my thigh. “Are you tired Cassie?” I asked, all I got in response was a hum. I smiled, and brushed her arm. I felt the change in her breathing. I looked over at Y/n. “Cassie is out and so is Amber. Should we call it?” I asked her. She looked down at Poppy. “Poppy is asleep, and I think so is Justin.” She said looking at the kids.  

Y/n got up with poppy in her arms. She came over and grabbed a sleep Amber in my arms. And brought them into the backroom. I gently picked up Cassie, she didn’t weight much seeing as she was asleep. I moved her over to the sleep mat, and grabbed her a blanket, before walking over and noticing that the once awake Rachel and Paula were asleep, which made this whole process just so much more easier, Y/n walked out of the back-room and noticed the same thing as me.  

Whispering Y/n said “Looks like they did the job for us.” Giggling she picked up Rachel, and brought her over next to Cassie. I picked up Justin, now he weighed more than Cassie, causing me to grunt a little when I picked him up. I heard Y/n giggle a little at me. “Stop laughing at me, he’s heavy then I thought.” I said setting him down. Y/n grabbed Paula and did the same thing with her.  

“At least they are all asleep.’ She spoke. ‘I could use a lap.” She said leaning her head against my shoulder. I leaned my head against the top of hers. “How about we just take a little nap since it’s the last day before the weekend.” I spoke. She shook her head.  

We waked over to the shades that I had pulled letting the morning sun in, and Y/n pulled them back, and then she slides down to the floor, and sat down next to her and she rested the head of my shoulder, “I’m glad I work with you De.” She said a yawn passing her lips.  

“I’m glad you’re here to help, Y/n.” I said patting her knee. I kiss her forehead, something I had done since she was a baby girl. I kissed her forehead every night when it was time to go to bed. “I love you, big brother.” She said before she hugged me tightly. “I love you too baby sis.” Hugging her back.  

Completed: 03/16/2021 

[ilguna]

☼ inheritance (Kevin Ball) ☼

summary; ’ Can you please write Kevin Ball x Reader where Y/n is Stan's (owner of the alibi) granddaughter. When Stand dies, Y/n comes to Alibi saying that she was supposed to get the bar after Stan, but she decides to co-own it with Kev. They start to work together and feelings arise. (it would be great if V would also fall in love with Y/n, but I totally understand if you don't write these type of relationship) Thank you! ❤️ ‘

warnings; swearing, fluff

wc; 1.4k

——

A couple months ago, you would never have found yourself co-owning a bar in Chicago. Especially not with someone who had kept the entire place from you, all because they had thought they would be able to inherit the place all by themselves, without telling the next person in line.

You’ll give Kevin credit; he did take care of your less than admirable grandfather for your entire family. You know you should have come up sooner than you did--and the only reason why you landed yourself in Chicago is because your mother was in basic hysterics by the idea of someone ‘stealing’ the bar--but you couldn’t.

Your first stop out of high school was college, and back then you didn’t really have a clue about the bar or the fact that you’d be the one getting it when your grandfather died. Had you known that you’d been inheriting this junk, you might have been a little more lenient when it came to good grades… or even going to college in the first place.

Although, maybe it was worth getting a degree after all. Considering that when you did get a look at the numbers, you saw how absolute shit the income was. You nearly sold the place altogether, until Kevin caught you last minute and told you that he could turn the place around, he’d just need a little bit of your help.

‘Little’ was an understatement. You had to quit your job back home and move to Chicago to work the place full-time with Kevin. You do have to admit, you two have been seeing the profit skyrocket lately.

More regulars—different regulars. Different from Frank, Tommy, and Kermit. It took time for you to keep reeling them back in, but it was a relief when you would have to deal with Frank anymore. You left him to Kevin to deal with.

Thanks to his never-ending rants, you pulled the plug and found someone to force to the bar, instead of the booths or tables. And ever since, she’s been your number one customer. Kaylee even managed to bring friends of her own.

But since there’s so many of them, they do have to sit at a table to keep them all together. You don’t mind it very much, running drinks back and forth from bar to table is fun. Plus, the Alibi isn’t super busy anyway.

The bell on the door goes off, making you look up from where you’re wiping down the counter. The second you see that it’s Frank, you sigh, “Can you just fuck off for one day?”

“That’s no way to talk to a high paying customer.” Frank takes a seat in his usual barstool, that quite literally has his ass imprints in it.

Tommy laughs, “High paying?”

“Frank, you hardly manage to pay your tab every month,” You lean against the counter, and then look over your shoulder for a moment, “Kevin, your favorite drunk is here!”

“Favorite?” Kermit asks.

“It’s called sarcasm.” Kevin says, sliding behind you as he grabs a glass, “What’s it this time?”

“Just a beer.” Frank smiles, “So when is the bar wench going home?”

You give Frank a look. You can’t say that you’re surprised that he’s asking a question like this. Probably doesn’t like the fact that you run things a little differently when you’re here. Without you, Kevin’s lenient and easy to fool.

And considering that you’ve been here every day since you and Kevin agreed to co-own, nothing has gone back to normal. Prices have been raised, you’re getting the bar out of debt. You’re talking to other bar owners to figure out what you’re doing wrong, and what you’re doing right.

The place is a hit now. People come around just to hang out, even after they’ve had a few drinks. A few newcomers have even come up to the counter and asked if there was anything to eat other than peanuts. Which sparked a whole new idea to get a vending machine. Kevin high-fived you for that one.

“Never.” Kevin answers for you, “She owns this place with me.”

“So?” Frank asks, you have a feeling that he’s drunk already.

Actually, it’s hard to tell. The smell of alcohol on him never fades, along with that awful stench of piss. You wonder when’s the last time he washed his clothes. He’s always wearing the same thing, and he’s kicked out of ‘his’ house. He’s got no money, and no brains to think to go to a laundromat.

“Just because she owns, doesn’t mean she has to be here.” he takes a few gulps, “It’s like owning real estate.”

“You’re just upset cause you don’t like the changes I’ve made.”

“That you’re right on.”

“Well, I like her here.” Kevin’s crossed his arms now, and he’s scowling a bit at Frank, “And she’s welcome to stay as long as she wants.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Kev.” you wink.

“What a relief.” Tommy says, and Kevin gives him a strange look, “You’ve cleared all his worries. Maybe he’ll shut up about you now.”

“Wait, who?” you ask, “Frank?”

“In your dreams.” Frank mutters.

Tommy motions to Kevin, who’s begun to retreat back to the storage room. He’s swift when he moves out of your way, your fingers just barely touch his arm, before he’s gone.

The door swings shut behind him.

You wait a moment or two, before leaning forward, “What do you mean he talks about me?”

“You haven’t noticed?” Kermit asks, raising his eyebrows.

“I hardly pay attention to you guys when my friends are here.”

“We’ve noticed.” Frank muses, “Thank God--!”

“Shut up, Frank.” the three of you say together.

“He’s a lot happier, now.” Tommy says, “After V left him, he was depressed. When you showed up, his whole mood changed.”

“That could mean a lot of things.” You stand without the counter again, “Who cares?”

“You.” Frank says.

You reach for the towel on your apron, pulling it off and whipping Frank’s fingers when he reaches to get more beer by himself, “Out, Frank.”

“Wha--”

“One drink is enough.” you grab the glass, sliding it beneath the counter, “You need a shower, and your clothes need a wash too. Once you smell like you’ve come out a field of flowers, you can come back.”

“Yeah?” He asks, “And how am I supposed to do that?”

“Not my problem.” 

You watch and wait for Frank to leave, and then you go ahead and clean up the area that he was sitting at, since he leaves a mess wherever he goes.

“Kevin likes you.” Tommy finally says.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” you back away a bit from the counter, “I guess I should talk to him.”

“I’ll keep an eye on the bar.” Tommy says.

“We have cameras,” you point at him, “The only thing you’ll be stealing is beer.”

Tommy holds up his glass, cheering to that, before going back to talking to Kermit.

The door to the backroom doesn’t actually have a handle, it’s a swinging door. Which--now thinking about it--is a bad idea. This is the place where you keep the extra alcohol, and it could be a place of emergency if you needed it to be. 

You’ll add that to the list of things that need to be fixed, here. Starting with the nasty bathroom.

Kevin sits on a box of peanuts, staring down at his phone, “Just ignore them, alright? Tommy doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

You lean against the doorframe, “Kev--”

“No, I know already.” he looks up now, “You don’t like me like that, it’s cool.”

You smile, “Apparently you don’t know anything, because I do like you like that.”

He doesn’t move from where he’s sitting, very clearly studying your face, “Are you fucking with me? Because I can’t tell if you are or not.”

“I’m not. I’ve liked you since I got here.” you tilt your head, “With you taking care of Stan and all, even when he was difficult. You didn’t move to put him in a nursing home until it was your last choice. You’re a good man, Kev, and that’s what I like the best about you.”

Kevin smiles now, “Really?”

“Really.”

There’s a moment of silence between the two of you, and just when you go to say something, Tommy yells: “(Y/n)! Frank’s back!” 

“You bastard--” 

You laugh, “Can’t get more than a couple of minutes to ourselves. Wanna help me kick out Frank?”

“You really think you’d be able to do it by yourself?” he asks.

You give Kevin a look, and he gives you one back as the two of you go out front again.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

One quick question, why do you hate Before the Storm? I actually really liked it. It could be because I'm a hopeless romantic, but I just want to see your opinions on it

Oh boy, where to even begin...? I cannot stand bts... it actually hurts my insides to think about how much I hate this game haha.

[note: yeah hi uhhh... this is long because of course it is, it's coming from me but listen, my feelings for this game are not nice and I have a lot to say so.... my bad]

One of the bigger reasons, though not the biggest, is Chloe... I'm not exactly a big fan of Chloe. At all. Not in the first game, nope. I understand that so many people love her and they have their reasons for that, that's fine, she's just a character who doesn't appeal to me. If anything, she pisses me off because I can see the foundation for such a compelling character, but it all gets thrown away for the sake of bullshit.

So then they plop bts in front of us with Chloe as the playable protagonist in a prequel story about her and Rachel Amber. This is an opportunity to expand on her character, to tie into the first season and make me feel more positive feelings about her character, to do what the first game failed to do..... and to be fair, they DO have a few of them sprinkled in... but then they're overshadowed by the garbage.

It's just... the ideas are there, and they're ideas that I like but they're executed so poorly. I want to like Chloe Price, I can see that there's something good here.

Like okay.... lemme do a thing:

Chloe Price. She's going through some serious shit after her dad dies. He died unexpectedly in a car accident, something Chloe had zero control over, it's not fair, and even though it's not like the universe singled her out and said "fuck you," it feels that way to her.

On top of that, her best friend who she adores? She moves away. Not something that's in either of their control, they're kids at this point. However, Max stops contacting her and that hurts Chloe. Chloe tries to stay in contact, but eventually Max stops responding.

Then you have her mother, who's also grieving after losing her husband and dealing with her daughter pushing her away and on the wrong path. She meets a man and falls for him after realizing she still has a long life ahead of her and that's too long to be miserable over her husband's death, William wouldn't want that, and David is a source of comfort for her... something she's not getting from her daughter. The problem is that David and Chloe don't get along in the slightest... which leads to Chloe feeling like her mom is trying to replace her father by moving on, not understanding why Joyce's timeline of grief isn't the same as hers, y'know?

Oh, and can't forget that Chloe has fallen onto a not so great path of drugs, booze, bad grades, lying, staying out late without letting her mom know where she is, pickin' fights, making friends with drug dealers, stealing money and other items, all that. She's bitter, angry, unable to understand most of her own complex emotions and that only makes her even more upset. She's unable to express them in a healthy way, she doesn't ask for help, and denies it whenever offered.

So... Chloe's starts out as an extremely entitled, rude, obnoxious character. She insults the bouncer in the cringiest way possible because these adult men writing her don't know how teen girls talk, she steals money and a t-shirt from a dude who works for the band because $20? how dare? even though bands don't make a lot of money and a lot of profit comes from their merch but who cares about supporting artists you like, right? Chloe sure doesn't. She probably buys some weed from Frank because yeah, she's got a dependence on the stuff now. She gets into a fight with a couple of dudes after spilling beer on them.... but what's this?

Oh look, it's Rachel Amber. Y'know, the pretty, popular, talented, smart, perfect, charismatic girl from Chloe's school?? yeah, she's at the concert and saves Chloe from the dicks who attacked her, and the two girls spend the rest of the concert together.

Now, for some reason, Chloe isn't sure but Rachel has taken a special interest in her. Rachel is flirty, she wants to know who Chloe is, she asks her to skip school with her, and the two take a ride on a train to a park and... honestly? pretty romantic, and it plays into that escapism fantasy thing of having the pretty girl who everyone likes single you out, making you feel special.

Over time, the girls grow close. Rachel has some family problems and seeks comfort in Chloe. They spend nights walking together down empty streets at night, holding hands. They hang out and talk about the stars, they discuss Shakespeare and what it's like to actually be your true self, if there's actually such a thing. They get tattoos together, and Rachel helps Chloe color her hair. They have a special hideout they decorated together in the junkyard. Rachel spends the night at Chloe's enough that she ends up leaving a lot of clothes there. They daydream about running away together, long road trips and living big in LA.

Chloe starts to see Rachel as her angel because for the first time since Max, she feels like she has someone she can be open and honest with. Rachel almost seems too perfect to be true, y'know?

And hey, over time Chloe actually starts to kinda get her life on the right track, if not in an unconventional way. Sure, she's still dealing with losing her father. that's not something she'll just get over... but she does start making an effort with her mom, and yes, even David after he told her about his time in the army and gave her that photo. They both know they'll never be friends, and they'll still have arguments, but they'll at least keep the peace for Joyce's sake.

It's not all perfect, though. Chloe's still smoking and Rachel isn't always the best influence. They get into trouble here and there, but nothing super serious.

She dropped out of Blackwell so that her mom didn't have to keep paying her tuition and because she's fixated on this fantasy of running away with Rachel. Chloe's feeling good about herself, about her future, for the first time since her dad died.

Until Rachel disappears.

And everything goes to shit pretty quick after that. Rachel's gone, she's not answering calls or texts, and everyone keeps saying that she probably ran away, but Chloe knows better. She knows Rachel wouldn't leave without her, so something must've happened. She makes posters and puts them everywhere, but things only get worse.

Money is tight. Joyce isn't making as much as she needs at the diner, David isn't making enough as a security guard, and hey... they might lose the house... the house that was once Williams, that's a piece of him he left behind. Not only that, but where will they go?

Chloe doesn't want them to lose the house, or for her mom to be this stressed out over food and bills. Chloe borrowed money from Frank in hopes of using it to run away with Rachel, but with her missing... Chloe decides to give it to her mom in order to save the house. Joyce is alarmed that she has this much, but Chloe manages to lie her way out of it to give her mom some peace of mind.

Except now she has another problem- she can't pay Frank back and he's getting more aggressive about it as the weeks go on. Rachel's still missing, Frank's breathing down her neck with threats toward her mom, money is still an issue at home, and she's not in a good place. Chloe's desperate enough to steal... so when she makes it into a bar that doesn't card her and she sees rich boy Nathan Prescott drunk off his ass and flashing bills, she thinks it'll be an easy score. It's wrong to do this, it's dangerous, but Chloe justifies it to herself. She needs that money.

She didn't expect Nathan to drug her drink, and she wakes up to him taking pictures of her. She manages to get the hell outta there, but she still has no idea what the hell happened to her. Like.... that reeeally fucks with her, it doesn't even feel real. She can't tell anyone, she can't tell her mom, and the police won't do anything since they're under the Prescott thumb.... and well, she decides to blackmail him.

And we all know how that goes.

So... we have the highs and lows of Chloe Price. She's flawed, even starting out as unbearable, but over time she becomes more nuanced and you're invested in what happens to her. You want to see her better herself, you want her to work through her grief and get help, you understand why she hates David but when you see him and Joyce happy together and him make an effort to be better, you want to see them make amends. You know David doesn't want to replace William, hell HE knows no one ever could.

You want Chloe to keep going, to find purpose in her life and realize her own potential. You saw her at the beginning when she was broken, when she was lost and didn't see a future for herself, and it's satisfying to see her come this far to where she knows she has a future... something that becomes all the more tragic when you remember her fate in the first game.

You're invested in Chloe and Rachel's romance, you get giddy watching them flirt and do dumb, romantic, cliche things, and you're just as compelled by Rachel as everyone else. No, she's not perfect, she's not a stereotype, she's much more layered than that and it only breaks your heart when you realize that she's killed later on, that of course she's going to go missing... you already know that! So you're watching Chloe, who has gotten pieces of her life back together and is genuinely happy.... fall back down the pit, fall back into the habits she had at the beginning, and you know it will lead to her downfall.

.....TOO BAD BEFORE THE STORM DID FUCK ALL WITH THAT RIGHT?

Nope, you don't get any of that. Well, except Chloe being cringy. You get a lot of that.

No, no, we got edgelord, flanderized Chloe who thinks her wit is much greater than it actually is, whose terrible moments outweigh the good, and who doesn't grow or change no matter what influence you try to have over her.

Rachel could be replaced with a literal barbie doll and little would change. She has no charm, she's nothing like what she was described in the first game, and she's just so fucking unlikable. When she finds out that her mom isn't actually her birth mom, she claims that her whole life is a lie and her parents aren't real and she wants to meet her druggie mom who chose drugs over her for 15 years because she's the one who actually squeezed her out.

Which, by the way, WHY is this the goddamn plot?? Why did they feel like they had to shove in this "oh hey Rachel's dad is the bad guy, oh wait now this drug guy is the bad guy because he stabby Rachel, no wait now her dad is the super bad guy because he put a hit out on Rachel's REAL mom, oh no wait it's fine because Frank murdered drug man off screen" WHY YOU DO THIS??

You have three episodes. THREE. And in those three episodes, you have the opportunity to explore Chloe as a character, and her relationships with Rachel, Joyce, and David. But instead of dedicating the story to that, something you could've created a compelling narrative out of, you threw in this dumb mom plot and fire-

HOW THE HELL DID I FORGET THE FIRE????

What- why did- does she have- Rachel just- RACHEL SETS THE FOREST ON FIRE??? WHY THOUGH???

I get it, "Rachel is the fire" yeah yeah and it's dumb.

Oh and because we didn't have enough going on, here's a side mission where you gotta deal with getting money from this other kid who's running drugs for big bad drug man because he wants to help his dad who lost his job.

But WAIT, there's more- In a series where several girls were drugged by Nathan and Jefferson, forced to pose for pictures, and some even killed or driven to try and take their own life? something taken so seriously...? Victoria gets drugged and it's treated like a joke. Even worse, there is a path that has Rachel drugging her, and no one cares.

ALSO.... Rachel cheated on Chloe with two adult men, remember? One of which fucking murders her?? and we're just... we're just not gonna do anything with that??? Nothing??? Maybe a little stinger at the end but that's it????

I just..... I hate this game so much.

It had so much potential. Not only that, but it had the first game to look at and learn from. Learn from the mistakes that game made and improve upon.... but instead, they fucked up even worse. It's just a game of fanservice that has way too much going on, is trying to do too much, and loses focus on the most important things.

Three episodes could've been enough to explore different points of Chloe's character before the events of the first game. They could've crafted a story that gave more insight into her life that make sense of the choices she made, that turn her into the Chloe we see in the first game. You don't need a forest fire, you don't need evil lawyers. I know the first game had the storm and time travel and big dumb Jefferson, but you wanted to tell a story that's grounded without shit like that... y'know, before the storm.

I could probably go on and on if someone doesn't stop me, so I'll stop myself here... I hate bts because it's potential was there, I could see it in a few key moments, and it was wasted.

The romantic ideas fall flat because being pretty and gay isn't enough for me, I need more than that. I don't care if they kiss because I don't care about their relationship, and frankly, they've done very little to make me care about them as individuals.

UGH

.......does that answer your quick question? haha sorry for the not so quick answer, but like I said, this game makes my brain mad and once I get going, it's hard to stop.

[higuchimon]

[fanfic] In The Blue

Juudai adjusted the fit of the blue uniform and wished that he could chuck it into the  nearest trashcan.  He hated how it felt on him - far too clean, just a smidge too tight, especially around his neck, and he kept getting the feeling if he tried to relax, the uniform would just force him to stand up straight all by itself.

How in the world had he ended up in Obelisk Blue?  Not that he had really cared too much about what dorm he'd end up in, but he'd sort of assumed it would be Red or Yellow.  Everything he'd ever heard told him that there were two ways to get into the Blue dorm - if you went to the associated high school or if you got promoted from one of the lower dorms.  But he hadn't done either one.  He wasn't supposed to be here.

And yet here he was. 

Maybe because I beat Chronos-sensei?  That was the only thing he could think of.  Sometimes he could see the teacher giving him a very measuring look when he thought Juudai wasn't looking.  He didn't know what else to call it.

With a deep sigh he flung himself on the bed, wincing as the uniform once again rubbed him the wrong way.  The bed was way too soft, too.  He rested his head on his folded arms and sighed.  I kinda wish I hadn't if this is what it got me.

Juudai wondered if he could take a nap or if someone would come in there to wake him up right when he didn't want to be.  He couldn't sleep in class - the other Blues poked him whenever he closed his eyes for more than a few minutes.  They didn't like him being there as much as he didn't like being there, but they refused to let him bring them down.

He stifled a yawn again.  Maybe he'd head down to the Red dorm to talk to Shou.  Shou might even let him take a nap there!  Wouldn't it have been awesome if he'd been assigned there?  He could sleep whenever he wanted.  He'd been told quite firmly that he couldn't let his grades drop below a certain level - they wouldn't put him down in Red, oh, no.  He would be expelled.

That had to be Chronos-sensei's doing too.  Juudai wondered if he should go and ask him why he wanted him in Blue so badly.

No.  He'd probably find out, and Juudai wasn't all that certain if he wanted to.

Just as he slid off the bed and started for the door, a firm knock sounded.  Juudai sighed; just what he'd expected.  He wondered who it might be, and headed to find out.

The person who stood there he sort of knew, because the other first year Blues told him about some of the older Blues.  This was Marufuji Ryou, the Kaiser of the school. 

"Yuuki Juudai?"  Kaiser asked, one eyebrow quirked.  Juudai nodded, more than a little confused.  "May I come in?"

"Uh, sure,"  Juudai said, taking a step back.  "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Actually, I'm here to do something for you."  The Kaiser observed Juudai.  He wore his uniform as if it were the regal garb of a king, not some sort of prison meant to incapacitate him.  Juudai wondered if he could ever learn to wear his uniform like that.  "Chronos-sensei assigned me to be your - teacher, of sorts."  Juudai thought he saw the faintest hint of a lip curl but it wasn't there enough for him to be sure.

He had a very bright reaction to that, of course.  "Huh?"

"You are not the usual sort of Blue student we have,"  Kaiser pointed out.  "Therefore, you need someone to make sure you fit into the Blue dorm."

Fitting in was the very last thing that Juudai wanted to do.  He wrinkled his nose and shook his head.  "I'd rather go to the Red dorm.  That looks pretty cool."  And maybe he'd not have all those people staring at him even when he wasn't dueling.  He expected them to watch when he dueled.  He didn't want them staring at any other time. 

"I'm afraid that's not an option."  Kaiser shook his head.  "Chronos-sensei informed me that he pulled a few strings to have you in our dorm, out of respect for your skills.  I saw that you defeated him.  That's very rare.  He even used one of his best monsters against you and you still did."

Juudai wanted to be proud of that.  He just couldn't bring himself to be, not since it had landed him here.  "So that means I can't ever leave?"

Kaiser shook his head quietly once more.  Juudai dropped down onto his too-soft bed and groaned.  He thought he'd be happy here in Duel Academia, dueling all the best.  He'd never cared about what dorm he might be in, but now that he was in the best dorm, it didn't feel right.  Like the world twisted out of its proper course. 

"It isn't that bad being an Obelisk Blue,"  Kaiser tried to point out.  "I can show you the benefits."

Juudai wondered if he were trying to sound kinder.  He wasn't sure of how successful Kaiser was at it.  But at lest he tried.  Juudai looked over at him.

"The food's good?"  He suggested.  It was kind of rich and he wasn't sure if he liked it all, but it was good.  Kaiser chuckled softly.

"So I have noticed."  He gestured for Juudai to get up.  "But I can show you other places round here, and things to do."

Juudai pulled himself to his feet.  If he couldn't go hang out in Red, at least he could have some company, and he had herd about how skilled at dueling Kaiser was.  Maybe if they hung out for a while, he'd be able to duel him?  Worth a try.

And it gave him something to look forward to.

The End

Notes: SilvorMoon and I worked out some of the details here, such as Ryou being Juudai’s “mentor”. I am making the most evil giggling noises!

Also, getting caught up on my GX Month 2021 fics. What I have planned for day #13 might take me a bit, so I have no idea of when it’ll be ready. But hopefully before the end of the week!

[draconicks]

Do u hav any headcanons for the vampire lost boys when they were humans?

aaaaaaa i love ur blog🥺🥺 ty for sending in a request, pardner 👊💕

David

He wasn't a Greaser or a Square, he just,,,chilled out but not at the same time.

He found social statuses completely dumb, and labels too, so when people would act like a dick to keep up their reputation, he would interally groan n roll his eyes.

He had a leather jacket but he didnt slick his hair back.

He was an Irish immigrant, as was the rest of his family.

And he had a little sister named Amara that was 7 years younger than him, and she was practically his everything. They grew up v close 🥺

Dwayne:

He was a 50's baby that grew up in the 60's.

He was a New York native and so was the rest of his family, and his parents never paid attention to him or his siblings,,,they fought every hour of every day, n that's why he became so paternal, was because he wanted to protect the young ones from his parents.

He went to Woodstock in 1969 with his group of friends and younger siblings to get them out of the house, and while he was there, he got to meet his first ever male crush, Jimi Hendrix, and he asked him to sign his pecs for him.

This friggin guy was a 𝘩𝘪𝘱𝘱𝘪𝘦.

He had expressed his opinions and thoughts of him taking care of his siblings and leaving their toxic household, multiple times, but it never worked :(

Paul:

Disco baby!

He had an older brother named Jacob who died of a drug overdose, him and Jacob were close in their younger years, but as they got older their relationship became strained due to Jacob's mental illness and pervasive drug use.

He has ADHD, and he smokes marijuana to help with that, since it soothes his nerves and RLS.

He tinkers with metal stuff and metal cans, usually combining them with other tinkers in the cave to distract him for a little while.

He is extremely impulsive n has little to no impulse control,,,

Marko:

He loves birds because he thinks they're✨neat✨

He was a baseball player, more specifically the pitcher. He had a killer aim n eye when he threw the ball, n he was the star of the sport in his high school.

He was v deeply invested in his religion n it was something he was passionate about.

He is a Santa Carla local.

He made amazing grades in school, but then he got really bad senioritis n he then dropped out n started teaching middle school kids baseball before he was turned.

[fandom-meanderer]

Beauty and the... [Pt. 6]

Pairing: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd x Reader, Sylvain Jose Gautier x Reader, Felix Hugo Fraldarius x Reader

Part: (6/?) [First] [Previous] [Next]

Genre: Romance, Drama

Fandom: Fire Emblem Three Houses

P.o.V.: 2nd

Word Count: 2,584 Words

Warnings: Language

Further Notes: And the long awaited chapter is here! Four chapters after this are left, are you ready?

You watched Sylvain from across the room. You had told Mercedes, who came to check up on you, that you weren’t feeling too well that day and was going to skip classes earlier today and she simply agreed and wished you a happy rest. None of the other Lions were particularly concerned about Sylvain’s absence, it wouldn’t have been the first time this semester when it occurred after all. But now that your hands were free from their snares, your mind wandered back to the night before only more often, and it drove you insane.

What did he mean by that?

Well, of course you knew. It wasn’t the first time you’ve heard him say it, but for some reason it felt different. You weren’t dense. You knew that boy caught feelings for you, and he caught them hard. But you truly didn’t feel the same—

Wait, actually?

You relaxed in your seat in the classroom and watched him yammer on to Felix. Would being in a relationship with Sylvain be that bad? Then you watched as another female student blew him a kiss, to which he winked back at her as if it was just a reflex and you scoffed to yourself.

“What was I even thinking?” You rolled your eyes and opened your book. But some strange thought compelled you for a moment and you shut your book and looked back to who you thought was your older brother figure and your best friend and huffed slightly. “Well…”

You knew Sylvain, you knew him well. If you looked past the obvious flirt, he’s actually a very deep person with very deep insecurities. He’s a lot smarter than people chalk him up to be, and truthfully you don’t think he’s be a bad boyfriend, but he would have to be as hooked to you as you are to him, otherwise you’re just set up for heartbreak.

Now you know Sylvain’s got it bad for you, you didn’t miss the way he blushed, you just elected to ignore it, but at the same time that’s just Sylvain. He gets hooked on one girl, then it dies out like a flame in the rain. You’re very close with him, that much is fact, and you’re really not sure if risking your near sixteen years of friendship is worth a relationship. But there lies the possibility that he is that infatuated with you, but now it’s the argument of is it love or is it infatuation, because both are two very different things, to your understanding. If you were to ask him, truth be told, he’d probably say they’re the same thing.

Now for a brief lesson on the whims of love, as presented by Professor Byleth to his colleagues. The origin of ‘Love’ and the origin of ‘Infatuation’ do stem from the same roots, they start in the heart, but it is where that feeling travels to that differentiates the two. As many might protest against, infatuation travels to the head, while love travels to the rest of the body. Infatuation is to be defined as the being obsessed with the simple idea of being in a relationship, and in this case that is a majority of Sylvain’s feelings in general. Where as love is something that encases one whole, it is the simple deciding factor that allows you to put the other before yourself when necessary, but at the same time to prioritize yourself when you must.

To bring this back to your situation, you know Sylvain enough to know that the boy is constantly hooked on the idea, but never on the truth. You trust Sylvain, you really do, after all, it is him you go to before the others most of the time, he has the best insights once he drops his dumb-jock facade and decides to become an actually decent guy.

“Um… (Name)?” Dimitri tapped your shoulder and you are pulled out of your in-depth analysis.

Dimitri.

Whenever you think you’ve gotten over him, he just has to show his dumb face in front of you in his dumb school uniform with that dumb blue cape and his dumb blue eyes and you feel yourself falling for him all over again. You feel bad for Sylvain, he had to sit through you talking about Dimitri over and over again for years, you thought about apologizing, but whenever you gave a hint to, Sylvain would reassure you that it was fine.

Dimitri is such an enigma, let that be known. You had known him for years, thanks to your mother, and you have seen his rises and falls and everything in between. But the question now arises, is what you feel for Dimitri love or infatuation?

“Oh, hey, Dima, what’s up?” You force a smile on your face and he eyes you suspiciously.

“I was wondering if you could help me out with bow training?” He asked.

Oh, you almost forgot about that. Dimitri’s strong proclamation of switching to bow skills, one you wouldn’t have seen coming from a mile away, but one that wasn’t a horrible surprise. You nodded.

“Sure, I’ll try to get you a silver bow so it doesn’t break again,” you laugh. And there’s another thing that was on your long list of ‘WHY I LOVE DIMITRI.’ It’s the honesty, the way you could read his feelings on his face. The first thing you noticed was how the tips of his ears would turn red first before the rest of his face did, then he would do that nervous side glance that would send your heart racing. Sometimes you were afraid that people would be able to tell how whipped you were for the young prince because, truth be told, the odds of you and Dimitri being end game were short, very short. He’s a prince and you’re a commoner who just happened to be lucky enough to be a part of the lives of nobles, it was just not meant to be.

You would describe your story as a complicated romantic plot. But the boy behind you would describe it as a sob story. As frivolous as he seems, Sylvain is in no way an idiot. He knows your feelings for the Prince, and he knows Dimitri’s feelings for you, there’s no way he could ever stand a chance against the crown prince of Fhirdiad, and in your heart, your relationship has plateaued at ‘Sibling-Like,’ a placement he wasn’t happy with, but one he was willing to maintain.

“Honestly, Sylvain, look at you, you’re pathetic,” Felix scoffs. “You’d might as well just tell her how you feel so you could stop looking like such an oaf when she does as much as breathe.”

“It’s just that we’ve been friends for so long, I don’t think I should say anything,” Sylvain kept his carefree smile on his face, but his words were somber. “Plus, her and Dimitri have a bond we could never have.”

“I don’t think so, but alright,” Felix shrugs. “I’ve had enough of your moping, take action or I will for you.” Sylvain blew a piece of his hair out of the way and slumped his shoulders.

“Yeah, I hear you, Felix,” he groans. The door to the classroom opens and Byleth walks in, tomes and papers stacked in his hands. He tosses them on the table and turns to the class.

“I hope you’re all ready for your first mission as students. Bandit removal, make sure your weapons are ready and repaired, we move out in a few hours,” he instructs. The class affirms his questions collectively and next thing they knew it, they were at the drop-off location, getting in formation.

This wouldn’t be your first time going against enemies, which is sad enough to say. But the life of a commoner isn’t one of luxury. When you weren’t with your mother in the castle, you were with your father at home, home being a small cottage in the middle of the woods since your father was a paranoid maniac.

It sounds cruel, but there’s no other way to put it. From a young age you had to do things for him, and that included making sure people who were hellbent on killing your father, claiming that he was “cursed” or whatever new word they cooked up for him, weren’t a problem. When did it start again? You had to have been ten at least, right?

Oh, goddess above, you just realized how bad that sounded.

Let’s set something straight, you’ve never killed anyone! Gods no. You just scared them away, is all, enough for them not to come back to hurt your father.

Now the person who taught you how to use your sword in the first place was your father, before the “Goddess please take my life away as well as my wife and child” blubber he spouted out, in fact, he was also involved in the Monastery’s defenses, until he was untimely “retired” as Seteth put it.

Another unknown fact to most, actually you didn’t recall ever telling your friends either, you had connections in the Monastery even before you were admitted to the Officers Academy, mainly for fear of being disparaged since you were technically only let in because of “connections,” and goodness how you hated using that word but it was all that was there to use. As far as your classmates know, you got in because of good grades.

Which you believe would have been right, if only you actually went to school.

# Commoner Things.

Regardless, Dimitri and Ingrid’s books always kept you as educated as you had to be.

But let’s get back to the story.

“(Name), I want you and Felix to work together for this battle,” Byleth instructs. “You two should play off of each other well, focus on bow skills.”

“Right,” you nod. You link your arms with Felix. “Guess you’re stuck with me, Lix.”

“Great, now I have to babysit while I’m in battle,” Felix rolls his eyes and you smile.

“I feel like I never partner up with you anymore! What’s the worst that could happen?” You shrug.

“With your luck? Murphy’s Law is your best friend, (Name).”

“Don’t be like that, don’t worry, I have your back!”

That exchange was ten minutes ago.

You and Felix have been pushed back and essentially cornered by the enemy bandits, and the rest of the class was on the whole other side of the battle field.

But it wasn’t your fault! Felix was the one who was cocky enough to think he could handle the west side by himself, and you had to follow him because otherwise Byleth would have failed you. So now the both of you were hiding behind a rock, out of Vulnaries, and on the brink of exhaustion. And since the Professor wanted you to focus on your bow skills he may or may not have confiscated your sword, and Felix was being a dick and not letting you use his.

“How many arrows do you have left?”

“Uh… six.”

“How many enemies are left?”

“Uh… also six.” You hold your bow close to you and Felix holds both of your shoulders.

“Look, (Name), I always make fun of you and say you will never amount to anything because you are a commoner—“

“Geez, Lix, I get it, I’m worthless, chill out.”

“But right now this is me telling you that you can and you will one shot all those enemies because otherwise we will both die out here.”

“Well maybe if you gave me your sword—“

“It’s broken, (Name), you really think I’d give this to you and toss you out there? If Sylvain doesn’t kill me, Dimitri will tear my innards out.”

“Right. Okay,” you nod in tiny. “I dunno, Lix, my hit rate is one to six.”

“You can do it, I know that better than the others,” he shakes you slightly.

“Okay, okay, but if I die I am so convincing the Goddess to let me come back down so I can strangle you.”

“Deal. Now go kill those bandits.”

“Right, okay, right,” you nodded your head again.

Quick reminder, you’ve never killed anyone.

Also quick reminder, you don’t specialize in bow.

Also another reminder, last time you killed a fly you cried.

Okay, good luck, (Name).

You stood up and drew your bow back, focusing on the closest bandit, taking a deep breath in, you adjusted your stance, remembering Claude’s words, and as you exhale, you release the arrow, following it’s trail and hitting the enemy, leaving him out of commission.

“Oh gods, I did it. I actually did that… I am so sorry, I am so so sorry,” your expressions shifted dramatically. Felix poked his head out from behind the rock.

“See what did I tell you, (Name)? Go fuck some shit up!”

“Watch your language, Frauldarius,” you draw your next arrow, a new found confidence setting in you, and aim for your next target. Maybe you’re imagining it, but there was something different about how you were using your bow today, something more intense, to put it simply. Did arrows really fly that fast? And was a wooden bow really that strong enough to eliminate the enemies in one hit?

All questions for later.

Finally there was one last bandit and, using the same technique as the previous bandits, you took your shot.

And missed.

“You missed?!” Felix ran both hands through his hair.

“I told you I was a beginner!”

“So you miss your target the one time you shouldn’t miss?!”

“Oh shut up, Felix, you’re lucky I got the first five!”

“You two are really arguing, at a time like this?” The bandit halted in his tracks.

“Yeah we are, fuck off,” Felix grumbles. You glare at the bandit, grab Felix’s broken-ass sword, and drive it into the bandit’s chest.

“Don’t fucking interrupt me!” You growled. “Anyways, I don’t understand why you’re so unreasonable, Felix, you don’t see me complaining about your attitude 24/7.”

“That’s because you’re weak.”

“Say that again to my face!”

“I did!”

And the argument continued for the Goddess only knows how long and it finally ended when the Professor found the two of you and explained that the battle had been long over, then after a thorough scolding for worrying the entirety of the class, the two of you just decided not to talk to one another. Although you did find some joy in seeing Ingrid nag Felix about his broken sword, going off about how he should have checked before their very important first mission. But then your joy ended when she turned her anger towards you and lectured you on how you should have some respect for the people who were older than you, and also how you shouldn’t argue in battle since it’s “distracting” to the other classmates, but how could it be “distracting” if it was only you and Felix?

Either way, you had a bitter attitude for the rest of the week, and none of the Blue Lions were brave enough to go up to you and even make small talk.

And it wasn’t until Friday night when Felix decided to man up and go up to you.

-

Tag List: @cynicaltj  @jumblybumble

[ynkkoo-a]

            ♡◞  𝐤𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐨𝐨  𝐬𝐚𝐲𝐬  𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒖  !

            not  at  me  repurposing  one  of  my  theme  graphics  bc  i’m  a  lil  lazy  babie  ,  but  !  since  i  jus  hit  another  follower  milestone  n  the  decade  is  comin  to  a  close  ,  i  jus  wanted  to  say  thank  u  to  all  my  mutuals  n  followers  n  such  who  rly  made  this  last  year  enjoyable  on  this  hellsite  !  2019  was  tough  on  a  lot  of  us  in  a  lot  of  ways  ,  but  we  all  did  it  ,  babyluvs  !  we  saw  it  out  to  the  end  n  hopefully  the  20′s  are  a  lot  prettier  for  us  all  !  p.s.  i’m  sorry  to  anyone  not  mentioned  !  i  hav  the  memory  n  attention  span  of  a  babie  fish  ,  but  i  luv  all  of  u  soso  so  much  n  u  rly  all  do  mean  the  absolute  world  to  me  !  ♡

            first  off  ,  jus’  a  quick  an  honourable  mention  to  all  of  my  nonnies  of  the  year  ,  wherever  u  babies  are  now  !  in  particular  ,  my  cherry  nonnie  ,  my  jk  anon  (  @jminacious​​  )  ,  my  boo  ,  my  strawberry  nonnie  ,  n  my  grades  anon  !  n  anyone  else  who  has  sent  me  sweet  nonnies  ,  these  r  jus  the  recurring  ones  of  the  year  heh  !  u  sweet  nonnies  own  my  heart  n  truly  made  this  blog  such  a  lovely  n  pretty  n  positive  experience  for  me  ,  n  i  cannot  properly  express  w  words  how  much  all  of  ur  sweet  mssgs  meant  n  mean  to  me  always  !  ^♡^

            starting  off  w  the  mutuals  i  literally  never  speak  to  ,  bc  of  my  shy  babie  antics  ,  but  who  i  admire  from  afar  so  much  !  ur  all  soso  talented  ,  jus  all  around  beautiful  souls  who  deserve  the  prettiest  days  .  pleathe  feel  free  to  come  talk  to  me  ,  i’ll  luv  u  down  w  my  whole  heart  since  i’m  practically  ur  secret  admirer  anyway  .

@miyanez , @kimseokjvn , @rmsrpt , @capitae , @chunghart , @aronpiper , @jinjeongguks , @yukhciz , @cjdoesrpt , @pocmuzings ,  @chuuiez , @leeieno , @igorrpt , @luvgifs , @joonkookies , @drunkblushed , @savta , @frcylan , @jinsoouls  !

            now  ,  to  give  all  my  luv  to  those  who  literally  . . .  hav  my  heart  .  we  haven’t  talked  much  ,  again  bc  i’m  a  shy  babie  ,  tho  sum  of  us  hav  jus  recently  been  talking  more  which  makes  me  very  sparkly  ,  but  !  we  exchange  ims  here  or  there  ,  send  an  ask  or  two  ,  reply  to  n  like  each  other’s  posts  ,  support  each  other’s  content  ---  u  know  ,  we’re  cute  mutuals  !  the  ‘  will  they  ,  won’t  they  ‘  mutuals  !  for  realsies  ,  tho  ,  ur  all  so  talented  ,  whether  it  be  in  making  gifs  or  themes  or  graphics  or  writing  or  whatever  !  ur  talent  astounds  me  n  i  am  beyond  in  luv  w  u  !

@sprfluous , @chanheez , @loonarz , @jungjnsoul , @yeriimss , @hotjoong , @hiqey , @tcehyvng , @kvinabstract , @stcinfelds , @kermitgrinch , @mcninas , @doyyeon , @jminssii , @jiminslolli , @raihelps , @svnflxwer , @softcarpenters  !

            n  now  for  honourable  mentions  !  the  few  ppl  on  this  site  who  my  shy  babie  antics  did  not  keep  me  from  talking  to  n  becoming  friends  w  .  these  are  the  literal  luvs  of  my  life  !  our  ships  are  literally  *chefs  kiss*  ,  i  feel  comfy  cryin’  n  rantin’  to  u  guys  without  worryin  abt  being  annoying  n  i  hope  the  feelin’  is  mutual  ,  i  don’t  feel  even  an  ounce  of  anxiety  when  talkin’  to  u  guys  which  is  such  a  major  thing  for  me  ?  i  consider  u  guys  my  friends  sm  n  our  friendship  literally  means  the  world  to  me  .  ur  soso  talented  in  so  many  ways  n  u  hav  the  loveliest  hearts  ,  n  i’m  so  honoured  to  be  able  to  be  ur  friend  n  to  write  w  u  all  !  

            p.s.  there’s  cute  lil  mssgs  for  each  of  u  under  the  cut  !

@pointlcss , @ultraviclets , @musetories , @briingmetolifc , @heartvfire  !

♡◞  @pointlcss  !

                    alli  !  ♡  i  am  literally  so  happy  that  u  happened  upon  my  lil  1x1  post  a  couple  months  back  n  decided  to  mssg  me  abt  threading  bc  our  cute  lil  starstruck  plot  turned  into  a  friendship  that  i  am  soso  so  thankful  for  ?  there  is  not  anyone  that  i  wld  hav  rather  gone  thru  it  over  jungoo’s  long  hair  ,  tattoos  ,  n  haircut  w  .  that  one  pic  of  jjk  from  season’s  greetings  as  our  matching  discord  icons  . . .  stayin’  up  to  yell  abt  stray  kids’  n  txt’s  comebacks  . . .  i  literally  luv  this  for  us  ?  ur  soso  talented  n  making  gifsets  n  writing  ,  n  i’m  so  happy  i  cld  make  this  last  year  a  lil  bit  special  for  u  ,  bc  u’ve  made  this  year  such  a  special  n  pretty  one  for  me  too  !  i  can’t  wait  to  see  where  our  cute  lil  plot  n  ship  takes  n  i  hope  the  year  has  even  more  luvly  things  in  store  for  us  !  i  luv  n  adore  u  soso  so  much  .  u  rly  are  the  sweetest  soul  out  there  n  i’m  so  happy  to  consider  u  a  friend  !  also  thank  u  for  jus’  now  informing  me  abt  bts’  2020  tour  i  owe  u  my  lifeKSHDKJ  ♡

♡◞  @ultraviclets  !

                    ness  !  ♡  literally  . . .  the  luv  of  my  life  ,  perhaps  ?  i  remember  following  u  when  u  published  ur  first  theme  ,  bc  i  was  jus  like  .  wowow  wubbzy  ?  this  is  beautiful  n  free  n  i’m  broke  n  u  hav  my  heart  ?  n  u  know  ,  for  a  while  we  were  sort  of  will  they  ,  won’t  they  mutuals  ,  too  ,  which  was  cute  for  us  ,  but  i  think  we  actually  started  talking  when  we  were  both  in  abroad  ?  n  then  u  mssged  me  later  on  to  lmk  that  jjk  was  open  in  ur  rp  if  i  wanted  to  join  n  it  made  me  so  absolutely  soft  ???  like  .  ik  it  was  jus  a  lil  thing  but  u  captured  my  whole  HEART  in  that  moment  ?  n  now  ur  genuinely  sumone  that  i  trust  so  much  ,  like  .  the  other  day  when  u  let  me  rant  to  u  a  lil  bit  abt  smth  kinda  silly  ,  rly  ,  it  jus  meant  the  world  to  me  ?  n  u  mean  the  world  to  me  n  !!!  writing  w  u  is  absolutely  wonderful  always  n  our  current  ship  is  *chefs  kiss*  even  tho  i  hav  yet  to  reply  to  our  thread  again  BUT  !!!  i  will  do  it  ,  i  pinky  promise  ,  i’m  sorry  i’m  the  worst  .  u  deserve  the  whole  wide  world  .  ur  talented  beyond  belief  ,  ur  such  a  blessing  to  the  rpc  n  this  hellsite  as  a  whole  ,  n  i  adore  n  am  soso  so  thankful  for  our  luvly  lil  friendship  every  time  we  talk  .  u  truly  hav  made  this  icky  year  a  lot  less  icky  !  u  hav  my  whole  heart  !  ♡

♡◞  @musetories  !

                    sarah  !  ♡  u’ve  genuinely  been  one  of  my  best  friends  for  four  years  +  one  month  now  n  like  ?  wowow  wubbzy  ?  that’s  such  a  long  time  !  from  the  rp  that  shall  not  be  named  to  lit  rally  whatever  tf  we’re  doin  rn  .  u  were  the  first  person  i  ever  rly  shipped  w  on  this  hellsite  ,  even  tho  i  was  a  whole  babie  n  my  writing  was  godforsaken  at  the  time  .  n  now  we  lit  rally  hav  so  many  ships  up  our  sleeves  that  i  can’t  even  name  them  all  ,  but  i  luv  each  n  every  one  of  them  soso  so  much  ?  sum  of  them  are  so  iconic  that  they’re  jus’  eternal  now  (  we’re  rly  ALWAYS  on  our  eli  &  zazzy  bullshit  )  n  i  kind  of  adore  that  for  us  ?  we’ve  spent  so  many  our  jus’  stayin  up  into  the  night  /  morning  writing  novels  in  my  dms  ,  n  those  are  genuinely  sum  of  my  fondest  rp  memories  ?  we  don’t  rly  talk  quite  as  much  anymore  ,  but  that’s  okay  n  it  happens  !  we’ve  had  sum  ups  n  downs  ,  but  i’m  genuinely  soso  so  thankful  for  ur  friendship  these  last  four  years  n  here’s  to  four  more  heh  !  n  also  u  got  my  into  bts  so  i  owe  u  my  lifeKJSHKD  ♡

♡◞  @briingmetolifc  !

                    mozzie  !  ♡  wowow  wubbzy  ,  i  cld  genuinely  write  a  novel  abt  u  ?  we’ve  been  friends  for  practically  four  years  now  ,  too  ,  n  to  think  it  all  started  w  our  one  lil  ship  in  the  rp  that  shall  not  be  named  !  i  can  actually  n  genuinely  jus  talk  to  u  abt  anything  ?  whether  it  be  our  ships  ,  a  random  plot  i  wanna  write  ,  the  political  state  of  our  country  ,  how  fucked  ap  classes  are  ,  mister  jungoo  himself  ,  whatever  issues  i’m  having  w  sumone  that  i  need  to  get  off  my  chest  ---  there’s  literally  no  limit  or  bounds  to  what  we  can  talk  to  n  it’s  so  nice  ?  like  .  i  genuinely  trust  u  so  much  ?  u’ve  always  jus  kinda  been  That  Person  who  i  know  i  can  trust  w  anything  ,  who  i  never  felt  wld  judge  me  ?  like  i  can  jus  tell  u  anythin  ,  i  trust  u  so  much  .  ur  genuinely  one  of  my  best  friends  ,  even  when  ur  tryin  to  fight  my  babie  or  we’re  both  bein’  bratty  n  silent  treatmenting  each  other  or  ur  bein  a  stubborn  lil  babie  n  won’t  let  me  do  ur  theme  for  u  even  tho  !!!  i  luv  doing  ur  themes  !  but  it’s  okay  bc  u  hav  my  heart  ,  n  i  genuinely  ???  wld  be  such  a  different  person  w/o  u  in  my  life  for  the  past  four  years  i’m  sure  ?  n  also  ur  such  an  amazing  writer  ,  ur  muses  are  so  unique  n  ur  writing  is  so  fluid  n  ???  god  !!!  everythin  abt  u  is  smth  that  i  adore  .  pleathe  come  to  california  n  be  my  first  kissie  . . .  i  luv  u  !  ♡

♡◞  @heartvfire​  !

                    kacchan  !  ♡  oh  my  god  ???  where  in  the  world  do  i  even  BEGIN  ???  ur  genuinely  one  of  the  most  important  ppl  in  my  life  .  i  met  u  first  when  i  was  a  literal  fckin  babie  in  the  rp  that  shall  not  be  named  a  whole  four  years  ago  now  ,  n  like  .  we  didn’t  talk  a  ton  at  first  ,  but  u  were  never  weird  or  condescending  bc  i  was  young  ?  like  ,  we  eventually  did  start  talking  n  i’m  soso  like  ???  happy  that  we  got  close  ?  like  .  since  day  one  ,  i’ve  looked  up  to  ur  writing  n  u  as  a  person  ?  ur  characters  were  always  so  insanely  creative  and  unique  and  ur  writing  was  so  fluid  n  beautiful  n  just  ?  u  were  literal  goals  to  lil  14yr  old  kookoo  .  n  even  now  ,  whenever  i  do  a  reply  to  u  ,  i  will  literally  write  n  rewrite  it  five  times  over  before  posting  it  bc  i  want  to  make  sure  it’s  as  good  as  urs  is  !  like  !!!  god  ur  so  talented  !  n  like  .  especially  as  of  late  ,  we’ve  jus  gotten  super  close  ?  n  like  .  i’m  genuinely  so  happy  abt  it  ???  our  friendship  is  genuinely  a  WHOLE  blessing  in  my  life  ,  like  .  ik  i  can  talk  to  u  abt  anything  n  u  can  talk  to  me  abt  anything  n  we’ll  meet  eachother  w  the  same  amount  of  enthusiasm  ?  we  can  vent  to  each  other  n  completely  understand  n  empathise  n  talk  things  out  so  we  feel  better  n  it’s  jus  ???  we  jus’  get  each  other  ??  so  nice  .  thank  u  for  listening  to  me  when  i’m  anxious  or  sad  ,  n  for  not  thinkin  ill  of  me  when  i’m  bein  a  brat  ,  even  when  it’s  for  silly  reasons  ,  n  for  listenin  to  n  not  judging  me  when  i  talk  abt  jungoo  n  bts  ,  even  tho  i  talk  to  them  a  lot  n  ik  i  can  be  a  bit  much  sumtimes  .  like  ,  genuinely  ?  i’m  abt  to  start  crying  rn  ,  i’m  so  thankful  for  u  .  u’ve  helped  shape  me  so  much  as  a  person  .  helped  me  grow  as  a  writer  .  i  met  u  at  one  of  the  worst  n  most  important  ages  of  my  life  n  u’ve  impacted  my  life  such  an  insane  amount  ???  u’ve  always  been  the  first  person  to  talk  to  n  comfort  me  when  things  go  to  shit  n  i  truly  cannot  express  how  much  that  has  always  meant  to  me  .  i  genuinely  think  i  wld  be  a  bit  of  a  different  person  n  not  as  confident  in  my  writing  if  i  didn’t  hav  u  to  look  up  to  for  these  past  four  years  .  i  trust  u  so  much  n  i  luv  u  soso  so  much  !  n  i  am  going  to  reply  to  the  dm  u  sent  me  properly  ,  i  jus  need  2  formulate  my  thoughts  properly  first  ,  so  pleathe  hav  this  for  now  !  u  literally  hav  my  whole  HEART  !!!  ♡

[gotatext]

hello, it’s swamp witch nora again…. i couldn’t stay away.... hitting u with a tiny baby boy who is also terrible (sometimes).  musical softboi who loves karl marx and hates children dying in cobalt mines to make smart phones. as is tradition, here’s the pinterest board, have a peruse. fyi sorry for those of u who have read this intro a thousand times i literally.... can never b bothred to change it n i think thats really sexy of me x

CHARLIE PLUMMER / DEMI-BOY — don’t look now, but is that rory bergström  i see? the 23 year old music student is in their junior year and he is a rochester alum. i hear they can be whimsical, impassioned, self-indulgent and nitpicky, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he / they will make a name for themselves living in griffin street. ( nora. 24. gmt. she/her. )

aesthetics.

bed hair from a permanent state of slumber, calloused fingertips from strumming bass into the early hours and djing into the blacklit night, self-help books thumbed once and thrown beneath your bed, battered copies of choose your own adventure books, spliffs passed half-arsed across rooftops while light pollution obscures low-hanging stars, marxist literature in stacks against your bedroom walls, a burner phone twice-shattered and a stash of replacement sim cards.

tw ocd, anxiety, drugs

half-swedish, half-british. the swedish is on his mother’s side. he’s bilingual but thinks in english. only really speaks swedish around his mother. only child, and kinda put a lot of pressure on himself to be the perfect kid when he was young, but his parents are honestly, quite decent? and just want him to have a nice life, they don’t care if he isn’t successful or rich or anything, they’re honestly rather solid. (wow imagine having nice parents, a first for all my characters, im literally this meme)

grew up in peckham, a suburb of london. growing up, his mum was a model / actress / waitress who later retrained as a speech therapist and his dad worked in her majesty’s service at buckingham palace. his dad wasn’t allowed to tell his family what his job entailed but rory suspects it’s probably very boring and just involves a lot of…. logistics n security.

was bullied a lot at school. [cole sprouse voice] he didn’t fit in and he didn’t want to fit in. unironically wore a trenchcoat to school every day of his life. spent most of his lunchtimes in the library because it was his safe space. as a result he knows…. loads of useless information because 30% of his school years were spent reading anthologies on space and the vikings etc. would be good on a game show. obsessively recorded every episode of university challenge as a child.

middle-class and lowkey quite wealthy but rarely talks about money, one of those well-off people who still wears really old shitty shoes and only spends money if they absolutely have to

virgin who can’t drive

into star wars, not into the big bang theory. feminist. can’t watch horror movies

favourite film is where the wild things are. also loves the florida project. thinks kids are the sweetest thing and can’t wait to be a dad to some

has been musical for as long as they can remember. first picked up guitar because he thought it would make this girl esther who he was in love with like him, but he just ended up falling in love with music instead.

formulated several different bands as a kid but ultimately had to give it up cos he was quite controlling and got fixated on making a certain sound so it wasn’t really fun for the others. got into electronic music because it was something he could do basically on his own and keep tweaking until he got it perfect

always drumming their fingers or strumming invisible guitar strings. tends to avoid parties bc he has quite has specific tastes when it comes to music and doesn’t like listening to r&b for eight hours while people throw up into plastic cups.

a techno connoisseur. has been making electronic music since he was about twelve.

after his parents divorce, when he was fourteen, rory & his mother moved to run-down suburban neighbourhood, pittsfield, massachussets.

big into photography. he mostly uses a canon 35mm camera, but occasionally uses disposable ones when he wants that more rustic feel.

moving to the states, their photography became more focused on suburban neighborhoods and are often quite dark and cinematic (think gregory crewsden). here are some shots of pittsfield i really like which rory has on his wall [1] [2] [3]

falls in love 12 times a day. never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. gets sweaty when someone cute looks at him. flirting?? what?? would prefer to idealise them from a distance

gender??? hm. rory don’t really know where they fit yet, sometimes he feels like a guy and sometimes they dont feel like anything at all!! slippin out of his physical form into the spirit realm! isn’t really bothered, cos they think it’s a social construct anyway. uses he/they pronouns interchangeably, but currently feels like ‘he’ is more fitting. won’t necessarily pull anyone up on it cos he knows having an identity that’s constantly…. in flux.. can be annoying for others … and doesn’t want to be a burden even tho it isn’t at all?? rory internalises guilt

everything is socially constructed. mirrors let you move through time. the whole thing’s a metaphor. he thinks he’s got free will but really he’s trapped in a maze. in a system. all he can do is consume. people think it’s a happy game. it’s not a happy game — it’s a fucking nightmare world, and the worst thing is, it’s real and we live in it!!!!

has ocd. tries to let it affect his life as little as possible, but obviously it’s incredibly hard to control a compulsive disorder. was teased for it at school when other kids started to notice. he was obsessed with the number five, would wash his hands five times, count stairs i groups of five, he could only use the corridors in one direction and always had to keep his hands busy. it manifests itself in hyper-fixations (trains when he was a child – specifically steam engines – then later he became obsessed with space and the patterns of constellations, and now he’s obsessed with synthesizers) and repetitive behaviours like counting stairs. doesn’t really affect his social life at all, he can jst get a bit locked-on n hyper-focused sometimes.

has insomnia. barely ever sleeps. finds it hard to switch off from work / writing / gaming / whatever’s preoccupying him in that moment. he’s always awake at 5am and quite often sleeps in through classes but still gets really good grades because he’s very good at his course. rarely attends classes. prefers to work independently. doesn’t really trust his tutors are intelligent enough to be teaching him, and is particularly suspicious of the lockwood tutors. a music snob tbh

occasionally deals weed n pills when strapped for cash, but only 2 ppl he knows, and on a very small scale grass-roots level!! (so its ok???) rollerskates around campus dealing cos they dnt have a car. we love to see it

aesthetics: bed hair from a permanent state of slumber, calloused fingertips from strumming bass into the early hours and drumming into blacklit night, self-help books thumbed once and thrown beneath your bed, watching vine compilations until your eyes turn square, battered copies of choose your own adventure books, spliffs passed half-arsed across rooftops while light pollution obscures low-hanging stars

likes: techno, the webpage cats on synthesizers in space, allen ginsberg, vintage gramophones,  floating points, lcd soundsystem, marijuana, soft dogs that let you pet them, late-night strolls talking about the universe, independent films, cigarettes, herbal tea, gallows humour, long showers, brown eyes, tchaikovsky, dr. seuss, constellations, photography, late night jazz, vintage game boys and girls who could rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and use it as an ashtray. dislikes:  weddings, funerals, formality, button-up shirts that people actually button-up, bananas, hot coffee, social media, people who watch and play sports, rap music – especially of the misogynistic variety, indie wankers in wire-framed glasses that play ed sheeran songs at open mic nights.

plot ! with ! me ! i’d say all the usual “exes fwb hookups spiel” but rory… has never hooked up with anyone… i feel like a deer in the headlights of love……. so give me

study buddies,

people who are also into techno and are music snobs about it,

people who love all kinds of music,

people who are in bands that maybe rory’s recorded and produced stuff for,

people he actually jams with (he plays bass and synth),

unrequited crushes!!

actually i think rory had sex w delilah in the last version of this rp so if u want a hook up plot its possible just unlikely. they’d hav 2 be the driving force i reckon cos rory doesn’t really act on impulses like desire or anythin.... jst bottles that shit up !!! but yea we could do a spicy hook up plot maybs, depending on the person

someone they met at a knitting club in freshman year and have remained friends with despite no longer going to it

people rory knows from open mic nights and gigs

library girlfriends / boyfriends that he stares at longingly while paging through leatherbound volumes

gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!

people he deals weed to on his rollerskates (why r all my characters obsessed with rollerskates)

skaters. rory is really shit at skateboarding. like really shit. help the smol

[youknowmymethods]

Content Creator Interview #6

Hello again and welcome to our sixth interview. This time, it’s the turn of @ashockinglackofsatin to put @sunken-standard ‘s writing under the microscope. Together they chat about the early days of the Sherlock fandom, how music can influence writing, and why the I Love You scene helped end sunken’s own great hiatus.

For those who don’t know me: I am @ashockinglackofsatin on tumbr, satin_doll on AO3. My test subject...erm, sorry - interviewee - is the notorious sunken_standard, probably most famous for her two epic, novel-length stories Longer Than The Road That Stretches Out Ahead and Fumbling Toward Ecstasy, which can be found on AO3 (along with her other wonderful stories) and should be required reading for anyone aspiring to write fanfiction.

 You should know, first off, that I’m crap at doing interviews, which I discovered years ago when I had to interview musicians and various personalities as a job. I didn’t last long at that job.

 So here is Kat’s Idiotic Interview with @sunken-standard.

  satin_doll:  You’re very good at writing Sherlock’s emotional cluelessness without making him seem like an idiot or an ass. Can you talk a little about the way you see Sherlock’s character that allows you to do this?

 sunken_standard: Thank you :D  So the answer to this is going to carry through to some of the other questions, but basically, I write Sherlock as a version of myself.  I feel a kinship with the character, a highly intelligent person surrounded by idiots and so, so frustrated by it, but even more frustrated by his own brain and the inability to control it.  Probably autistic, just like I'm probably autistic (and I don't want to get into it but I'm not trying to co-opt an identity here or anything; I've tried to get a diagnosis and found out that's just not possible with my current healthcare options).

Anyway, one of my probably-autistic things is being hyper-aware of other people's emotions, but also having trouble identifying them and the appropriate responses.  At times I do lack empathy, like I honestly can't understand why someone is feeling what they're feeling because I wouldn't feel that way in the same situation and it doesn't make sense.  Sometimes I can empathize so much that it's overwhelming and I just kind of short-circuit, especially when it comes to grief or loss, and I end up being insensitive or just not saying or doing what a normal person would.

 So basically, I approach his responses to other people's emotions the way I would my own, only stripped of female socialization and self-awareness.

  satin_doll:  How much do you draw on your own life and experiences in your fics?

 sunken_standard: For scenarios and specific scenes, not a lot.  For emotional and sensory experiences, more. I haven't done very much or lived to my full potential, so it's not a very deep well on either account.  Every now and then anecdotes or details creep in (like Mars Cheese Castle and the “call me Daddy” during sex thing [which, for the record, was skeevy as fuck irl]), but most of it just comes from nowhere or stuff I saw on TV.

  satin_doll:  Both “Longer than the Road…” and “Fumbling Toward Ecstasy” are novel length stories. “Road”, however, is written without breaks/chapters. Did you ever consider breaking it up into parts or chapters? How hard was it to keep it all in one piece and how long did it take you to finish it?

 sunken_standard: When I write, I usually just start and then go 'til it's done or I burn out.  I got through three or four chapters' worth of FTE (and was on the verge of giving up until maybe_amanda convinced me not to).  Since the story wasn't nearly finished and I wanted to start putting it out into the world (mostly because I have no patience, but also because I knew there was a window to stay relevant and a large number of people were looking for a longer, meatier [cough] post-TFP fic), I decided to start posting what I had and just write as I went because I was, in hindsight, probably hypomanic and I was keeping a good pace at that point.

 I dunno, I think there was a lot more of that long-format thing happening in fic back then, where you'd have a 40k piece that only had breaks because of the word limit per post on LJ.

 As far as how long it took, I don't remember.  I know I started it February of that year and had probably a good 75% of it finished (all written at a tear, over the course of probably ten days or so, because when I was still smoking actual cigarettes I could and did do 3-5k words/ day), but then I dropped it and went on to try other ideas.  I went back to it when those other stories fizzled, and I finished it in maybe another 2-3 weeks with editing and beta reading.  I had some real problems with the ending and it was never good enough for me, but I just got to a point where I was sick of it and it was good enough.

 So basically, it's harder for me to work in chapters than it is one long piece.  There's more discipline to a chaptered work; each chapter is its own story, in a way, and each one needs to end on a certain kind of beat.  I still don't feel like I have a knack for it, and I think if I did anything long like that again I'd have to write most of it without breaks and then shoehorn them in where I could later on.

  satin_doll:  You took a long hiatus from Sherlock fic after S2, and came back for S4. What was it about S4 that sparked your writing again?

 sunken_standard: I don't really know.  I mean, the ILY was a big thing, but I think S4 gave me more to work with for the kind of things I write (all the angst and inner monologue) than S3 or TAB.  I had mixed feelings about S3.  I didn't like Mary much for a long time because she was one of Moffat's women (and anyone who's seen my tumblr knows how I feel about that), but I finally unclenched after a while because I like Amanda Abbington a lot and Mary was preferable to Sarah Sawyer (who I'm more ambiguous about now, but really didn't like for a long time because there was something about her that I read as smarmy, though now I see her reactions as more subtly uncomfortable and kind of like “what's going on/ this is weird/ John's a nice guy but is everything around him always this weird?”).  Anyway.

I did try writing a bit after S3, but I never finished any of it; I didn't really feel like there was a place in the fandom or much of a community at that time, either—at least, not like what I had been used to from the early days.  The tribe that existed wasn't my tribe (any of them).  I think I need a certain degree of shared enthusiasm to motivate me to keep writing.  Like, I have a lot of ideas for fic in other fandoms, but they're dead or never existed in the first place.  And I know I'll have some audience for the small fandoms and people will read and kudos and everything, but there's no one around to geek out with or bounce ideas off of, so it just isn't as appealing.  If I'm going to be miserable and alone while writing something, it's going to be something I can at least make money off of, y'know?

  satin_doll:  Do you edit as you go or finish the story first and go back over it to edit?

 sunken_standard: Edit as I go.  When I get stuck, I break that cardinal rule of writing and go back over what I've written and nit-pick it to death.  It's a bad habit, but at the same time, small changes have led to big developments in the course of the story later on.  I mean, I think sometimes this is why I have so many unfinished things, but I've tried just writing through and that doesn't work for me either. Once I get to the end of something, I've already made most of big cuts and done a lot of the reworking, so the beta polishing isn't as labor-intensive.  I'm one of those people that when I feel like something's finished, I don't want to have to go back to it again.  And if I didn't edit as I went, it would kind of feel like redoing the whole story and that's extremely unappealing to me.  It's kind of like baking—it's always better if you clean as you go, rather than waiting until the cake's out of the oven to do the dishes and put stuff away (which I do when I'm low on spoons, but it ends up seeming like double the work).

 satin_doll:  Do you proof it yourself or rely on someone else to proofread it for you? I’m talking technical details here, proofing as opposed to simple beta reading.

 sunken_standard: Mostly proof myself, since I edit as I go (and proofing is inevitably part of that when the mistakes just jump out).  My beta catches everything else (and she's amazing; I misuse words and just legit don't know spelling differences for a lot of things [stationary vs stationery] and I'm not great with grammar and prepositions because I'm an ignorant fucker with no education).

  satin_doll:  When did you first start writing? When did you first discover that you COULD write?

 sunken_standard: I remember writing stories as a kid, but I burned them all when I was a teenager so I don't even know what most were about or anything.  I do remember that I wrote one when I was in like 4th or 5th grade that was ST:TNG self-insert fanfic and I think the plot was me working with Data to bring Lal back. I know it was Data, because I had a huge crush on him as a kid.  I really thought I could grow up to write ST:TNG novels at that point.

 And as for CAN write—jury's still out on that one. Ask my 12th grade English teacher, who laughed in my face when I told him I was thinking of pursuing English so I could be a writer.  But before that, I had some other teachers that used to give me A+s on my creative writing assignments (despite all the spelling and grammatical errors).  In 11th grade, I had a really great teacher, Mr. Lansing, who turned me on to the good parts of American lit and really encouraged me to read (and write) what I liked, not just what other people told me I had to.  He encouraged me when I applied for the Governer's school, too. (The Governer's School is this program in PA for kids who excel; it's like a summer camp for the elite nerds.  They have a bunch of them, each for different areas—math, science, medicine, I think one that's like history/ government/ civics, and then one for the arts.  For creative writing, they take a total of 20 kids—10 for poetry and 10 for prose.  I tried for the poetry category and made the first round of cuts and went for a regional interview (with about 50 other kids, so like maybe 150 kids state-wide); long story short I didn't make it.  I was the first alternate, meaning if somebody couldn't attend, I would get their spot.  #11 out of 10.  I was so crushed, because it basically reinforced what I'd been told by other people—I was a big fish in pond too small to even piss in and there were always going to be people better than me.  I was already mostly checked-out when it came to academia and aspirations; after that there was just really no point to keep going.)

 Anyway though, I did write bits and pieces here and there even after school, thinking one day I'd get my shit together and write my own Confederacy of Dunces and then off myself (it's still a viable plan). Then, in 2008 I was recently unemployed and everything in life was shitty, so I wrote a big happy-ending fic for The Doctor and Rose.  It was kind of the right bit of media at the right time that inspired me.  More about that later though.

  satin_doll:   What/who do you think has had the biggest influence on the development of your style?

 sunken_standard: I've been asked this before, and I always feel like I'm a little pretentious and I trot out the same names (both fanfic authors and book authors), but I had a realization a while ago that I'm always missing one person—Vonnegut.  I think he's got this kind of no-bullshit way of saying things that still manages to be poetic and delicate and that's what I most aspire to.

I think a lot of my style is influenced by film, too. Some influences are probably Todd Solondz, Richard Linklater, Kevin Smith, and John Waters, as far as the way I approach the reality within the story.  I think I tend to focus on a lot of the same things—the weird, the mundane, the mildly uncomfortable—but I don't go nearly as far in any direction.  I think even the way I string scenes together and the shifting of focus within my scenes between action, dialogue, and inner monologue are influenced by cinematography.  I always say I'm just transcribing the movie in my head, so I mean, there's bound to be some kind of influence.

  satin_doll:  You’re noted for the banter between your characters, humorous and otherwise. Do you have rules/profiles for characters that establish their voices for you? Are there things, for example, that you think Sherlock or Molly simply would never say/do or would always say/do? How structured are these characters in your head when you start writing?

 sunken_standard: It varies slightly from story to story/ universe to universe, but I think I have patterns for the banter (and I have a different set for Sherlock and John, and Sherlock and Mycroft, but there are common threads throughout).  As for comedy, it's not quite straight man/ funny man, but I tend to default to Sherlock being more literal and deadpan and Molly being more expressive and emotive. I use the scraps of the dynamic the show's given us and just build on that.  It's kind of formulaic, actually: Sherlock does a not-good thing (degree of severity varies), Molly reacts with a blend of annoyance and amusement while going along for the ride.

 I have a kind of mental file for things I think would be out of character for each of them, but sometimes I like to try to find a way to get to one of those things and slip it into a fic organically.  One of the reason I liked doing the one-line prompt fics so much was that so many of them could easily have been intros to the kind of fluff that makes me gag; I'm no fool, though, and I love me some low-hanging fruit, so I just adjust it to my tastes.  I'm a never-say-never kinda gal.  Mostly.

 That being said, there are a lot of things that I think would take a lot of doing to make them be in-character.  I don't think they'd ever use pet names for each other unless it was through gritted teeth or with at least a bit of irony (like how I used “yes, dear,” in FTE, and I think in some of the universes in Ficlet Cemetery).  I can't see Sherlock ever doing housework unless it was for a case (though dishes and sanitizing surfaces are an exception, because both those chores are tangent to the kind of cleaning up after oneself one does in a lab setting, and imo that fits with his logic).  I can't see him being very affectionate in public, except under rare circumstances when he might do an arm around the shoulders or a guiding palm to the small of the back.

 And as for structure, I think they all start with the same scaffolding, but in every new universe they get draped slightly differently according to variations in backstory or tone or genre or whatever. Or like, they're already sculpted, but the lighting changes.  I think that as I write, they take on different nuances and acquire more depth, though.  Like it wasn't really until a few chapters in to FTE that I got a fuller picture of the Molly I was writing, even though I had the rough idea of her backstory from pretty much the beginning.  Same with Longer Than the Road, too.  As I come up with details of someone's past, I experience those scenarios and it makes me rethink and fine-tune everything about them in what I've already written, and adds more texture as I keep going.

  satin_doll:  You’ve listed a playlist for “Longer than the Road…” Do you write to music? How much does music inspire your writing? Does every story have a playlist?

 sunken_standard: It's funny, but I don't listen to music nearly as much as I did even 5 years ago.  Not sure why, honestly, maybe something to do with my mental health and overstimulation?  So I don't write to music much anymore.  Not every story has a playlist or songs attached (I don't think any of the FC stuff does, at least not in any significant way), but it seems like my best work is inspired by music in some way.

 FTE didn't really have a soundtrack, but I listened to a lot of the music I had in common with the version of Molly that I was writing—very 90s alternative and pop rock.  Lots of Pulp (which I picked as Molly's favorite band because I think they're Loo's favorite, or one of her favorites).  For the proposal, I had “Dreams” by The Cranberries on a loop as I wrote.  There's just something musically about that song that's full of anticipation and the wavy kind of guitar (I don't know the music terms and it's been so many years since I was into anything instrument-related that I'm not even sure how the sound is made, like a whammy bar or wiggling their fingers on the frets or whatever but anyway) just has this kind of wavering emotion that makes it feel like it's on the cusp of something.  And also it's the big romance song from every coming-of-age thing ever, and so just hearing it is like an auditory shorthand for breathless, adventurous romance, at least for women of a certain age (namely, my age, and I'm only a year younger than Loo/ Molly).  There was another scene—I can't remember what it was without rereading the fic—that I spent like three days listening to nothing but “The Way” by Fastball.  It might have been the thing with the drink testing and then the sex on the sofa and the cake baking.  (As an aside, I just started listening to the song and immediately got hit with a sense memory of night-wet spring air blowing in my window, because that's what the weather was when I was writing to this and it gives me a weird yearning pull in the back of my throat, like nostalgia almost but something else in it. Like, did you ever hear a pop song that taps into some deeper part of the human experience, both musically and lyrically, and you just feel like there's some universal truth in it that's too much to totally grasp?  That's how I feel about both of those songs.  Anyway.)

 Another story that had a few songs attached was Stainless, Captive Bead.  Radiohead's “Creep” was what they were listening to in the tattoo parlor, and a lot of the sex bits were written while listening to Nine Inch Nails' “Closer” (look, if it's set in the 90s and there's fucking in it, I'm going to find a way to relate it to “Closer,” because that song is just dark sex and angst set to synthesizers and a high hat).

 Also, sometimes when I write I listen to ambient noise stuff, cityscapes or rain or whatever fits the tone of the piece and my mood.  I can't listen to anything for too long, though, because I get listener fatigue and I burn out faster.

  satin_doll:  Have you ever considered self-publishing your stories as a book or series of books?

 sunken_standard: I've tried to file off the serial numbers on the Girlfriend series, but it was harder than I thought it would be so I back-burnered it.  I still like to think that one day I will, it's a life goal, but if I put too much pressure on myself I only make it worse and nothing gets done.

  satin_doll:  You seem to have a detailed backstory for every character in your stories, from Janine to Molly’s mother. Do you work these out beforehand or do they just happen in your head as you write?

 sunken_standard: Both?  I kind of touched on it earlier, but I usually have an idea of the backstory, the bones at least, and then as I write it gets richer.  I have multiple headcanons for every character, so I just start off with one of those.  Like I have five different families for Molly, all things I was coming up with when I was writing other stories.  Hell, I've got like five different Uncle Rudys (most of them highly unpleasant and most likely triggering).

I have a habit of just sitting and thinking about a character, like “what would make them this way?” armchair psychoanalysis stuff. And if I can establish a plausible-sounding backstory, I have a better foundation for introducing non-canonical traits or details.  I think that's the downfall of a lot of fic authors—they just write a canon character as they would an OC and expect us to play along without demonstrating any internal logic.  Maybe I'm just picky; there's certainly an element of that, too.

  satin_doll:  How detailed is the story in your mind before you start writing it? Do you work from plans and outlines with every story?

 sunken_standard: It all depends on the story.  Sometimes I have a whole series of detailed scenes just waiting in my head to be written out.  Sometimes I only have one thing and I just keep going.  I say I use an outline, but it's not a proper outline.  More like a collection of notes and bullet points of what I want to happen and what kind of beats I want to hit.  I usually keep it at the bottom of my working document so I don't have to switch to another doc to look at it if I need to.

  satin_doll: Where does a story begin with you? What constitutes the “urge” to write? You once mentioned (in a comment reply I think) that you know the ending of the story first and then write the rest of the story to get there. What do you do when a story goes off track? How do you get it back to the way you planned it, or do you even try to do that?

  sunken_standard: (I don't know why my document formatting went tits-up here, so I'll answer 1 & 2 both here)

 So stories are a visceral kind of thing.  I always have ideas.  Seriously, give me a theme or a title or something and I can spit out a summary and details in as long as it takes to type it out.  But actually crafting prose (can I sound more pompous?) is best likened to the urge to poop.  Classy, right?  I said it was visceral.  Really though, it's that same kind of state of heightened awareness/ arousal (in the strictest medical sense of the word, not sexual arousal), something is happening and if it doesn't things are going to get weird and I'm going to be very uncomfortable for a very long time.  Also, like pooping, if it's not ready, no amount of grunting or straining is going to make it happen, and it might even make it worse in the long run.  As you can tell, I've been very, very constipated for the last year.

 Anyway.

 Stories going off track... a lot of the time I just let it happen because it's taking me to a better place than where I thought it was going to end up.

  satin_doll:  Quote from you: “I spend way too much time thinking about who Molly is as a person. Writing porn and comedy both have their appeal, but I really like sitting down and thinking about what makes any given character tick and how they might feel about what's happening around them. 30s and single has so much baggage to it, even if all the women's magazine articles and whatever-wave-we're-up-to-now feminist thought pieces say it's a myth or a stereotype or whatever. It's a truth we don't want to be true because it's not fair. I mean, it's not the thing that solely defines any woman, but it's there, just like cellulite and brand new and worrying moles and our favorite brand of whatever suddenly being discontinued (or significantly changed) because some marketing person decided it was too 'old.' But anyway, such is life. And I like putting that in fic.”

 Do you write character studies to use as a reference for your stories, or just wing it for each individual piece?

 sunken_standard: The character study is dead, isn't it?  Like, as standalone fic.  Never see them anymore, which is a real pity.  I used to write them (or, well, start them, heh) before I took a break from writing/ fandom, mostly to try to get some of my headcanons down in some kind of usable way.  But I haven't really written a character study (in prose, at least) since 2012 or so.

 So when I write, I keep two documents open—the working copy that's a first-through-final draft and a “notes/ cut bits/ things to work in somehow” document.  In the notes document I usually keep any character details (backstory or how I want them to react to something later, whatever).  There are themes I go back to over and over, like a cluster of traits I reuse in some fashion because I think they fit the character (Mycroft and disordered eating, Molly as a middle child in some fashion, John as the child of alcoholics, etc.), so a lot of that just lives in my head. Any bits of characterization specific to a story go in the notes doc for that story, while any generic thoughts or something that I think I might want to use later gets stuck in another document full of random ideas, snippets of dialogue, jokes, AUs I'll never write, that kind of thing.  I've got a few of those docs from different writing periods.  They're mostly just a way to externalize a thought so I don't lose it; I hardly ever go back to them for anything.

  satin_doll:  What was your first involvement with fanfiction? Where did it all start?

 sunken_standard: I started to answer this in another question; basically, fanfic's been in my wheelhouse in one way or another since I was a kid (Star Trek novels are fanfic, period).  I discovered fanfiction back in the days of eXcite searches and webrings while looking for translations of Inu Yasha manga scans; I stumbled upon an English-language fancomic/ doujinshi called Hero in the 21st Century and it was so well-written, funny and poignant and well-researched I was just drawn in.  I still think about it and the author's other works to this day.  I did pick at the idea of writing myself, sometimes even put down scenes or outlines and did hours of research, but never did the thing.

 And then, in 2008, the stars aligned and I started a thing.  Journey's End spawned a ton of Doctor Who fic, and that was good, because I could just kind of slip mine in there and I probably wouldn't get a lot of criticism or attention.  So I wrote like two chapters without any idea of how it was going to end, and I submitted it to Teaspoon and an Open Mind (which was the Doctor Who fic archive at the time; it was curated/ moderated and where you went when you wanted to read something you knew would be good, or at least conform to certain standards, unlike The Pit [which is still garbage today]).  And I got rejected.  My grammar and spelling were awful (I didn't even have spell-check in whatever program I was using) and they said the whole thing had good bones, but I really needed to work on the English before they'd look at it again.  Getcherself a beta, they suggested, and I think they had a forum where writers and betas could connect.  So I got myself a beta and she stuck with me for like 30 chapters, answering questions and keeping my characterization on-track and basically re-teaching me the rules of written English.  I tried to email her a few years ago to thank her again, but her email bounced back. Her name was Julia and if she sees this, thank you Julia.  You're a wonderful person.

 Anyway, I wrote lots in that fic universe for like 2 months, then got another job and tapered off.  I abandoned it completely after a year.  Life got in the way of a lot of things, and the next time I was really inspired to write anything was a couple years later, for Supernatural.  I only put it on my LJ, never posted to a community or anything, and no one read it.  Literally, I don't think the post got any hits at all and for sure no one commented.  I sometimes think about putting it on AO3 just because.  And then Sherlock happened and here we are.

 satin_doll:  Do you think writing fanfic has hurt or hindered your original work? Why or why not? (that looks like a high school test question - sorry!)

 sunken_standard: Lol @ test question :D

 I'm not really sure, tbh.  On one hand, I only have so much creative energy—it's definitely a finite resource, and a scarce one—and devoting it to fanfic diverts it from any original work.  On the other hand, all writing is practice.  The only way to improve is to keep doing, no matter what it is.  So in that sense, fanfic's certainly helped me to find a comfortable voice and a prose style that works for me.  There are still problems to solve, figuring out the best approach to a scene or story from a technical standpoint (stuff like tense and perspective and all that), so I'm always learning something as I go. Mixed bag, really.

  satin_doll:  What was it about the Sherlock/Molly dynamic that got you started on a piece like “Longer Than the Road…” What did you see there that made you want to explore it in such detail?

 sunken_standard: So I always talk about how Sustain was my come-to-Jesus moment with Sherlock and Molly. Here's something I've never told anybody, not even maybe_amanda (because I was kind of ashamed, but not for the reasons people might think): before ever reading Sustain, I started a story that was Sherlock/ John and Sherlock/ Molly.  I had it roughly outlined and a few pages written, but I just kind of lost the feeling of it and it was starting to get problematic for character motivations, yada yada, so into the scrap heap it went.  It had a passing similarity to Sustain because of a platonic-sex-for-pregnancy element (hence why I never talked about it), but the major difference was that it was going to end up as a kind of polyamorous arrangement, Sherlock loving both of them and having a kind of co-parenting triad.  In mine, John wanted a baby, and Molly wanted her own baby, and Sherlock thought “best of both worlds!” and why do IVF when you can write awkward angst-fucking instead.  But yeah, I never finished it.  

 Anyway, I always saw something there, but I couldn't make it work in a way that was consistent with my own characterization of Sherlock until after Series 2.  Even in Series 1, he looks at her with a kind of fondness and a sort of bewilderment that just lends itself to nerds in love.  At the time (and even now, tbh), I kind of attributed that to BC having a crush on Loo (and oh man do I have theories, which are gossipy and gross and not the kind of thing I usually even bother having opinions about, but have you listened to the S1 commentary and some of the interviews around that time? there's something more there) and that kind of just spilling over onscreen and it working for the editor because it makes BC look sexy.

I mean look, I make no secret of the fact I started off shipping Sherlock with John almost exclusively (though I'd read just about anything), and after S1 aired it was just a different time.  I get really annoyed when people talk shit about the pairing and the people who still ship them, because most of them weren't even in the fandom at the time and didn't have the same experience as the OGs. When Series 1 aired, hardly anyone knew who BC was, and Martin was just the guy from The Office and some other shows that were kind of unremarkable; most of the fandom was composed of old-school ACD Sherlockians and a few stragglers (like me) that got there from Doctor Who or were just general mystery/ thriller fans that got sucked in. We had a different perception of it because we weren't led into it by Star Trek or Hobbits or MCU; the characters didn't have that baggage attached for us.  A lot of us already had a perception of Holmes and Watson as some shade of gay, so it was no great leap to see the very obvious romance (and yes, they all called it that in interviews at the time) onscreen as a romantic one. Martin, when asked, said basically that he'd play the next series (S2) however they wrote it, and if romance was there he'd go down that road.  Whatever, I don't need to defend it because people think what they think anyway.

.

Anyway, getting back to the actual question instead of a million tangents and rants, I think I saw a lot of the things that have since become like backbone tropes of the pairing (even in canon, with the whole “alone, practical about death” thing).  Their interactions in S2 were great; everything hinted at more than what was on-screen.  And I really liked the idea of exploring the dynamic that was pretty much already there, as far as Molly having both a crush and self-respect and Sherlock suddenly having to rely on this person (that he picked because she was reliable to begin with) who's a friend, but also kind of a stranger in the way that a lot of the people we consider friends are (at least, friends made in adulthood; work-friends, church-friends, club-friends, gym-friends).  Past that, I really saw the potential for character growth stemming from their interactions, but not like her humanizing him or whatever; both of them gaining insight about themselves, with the other person (and their relationship) as a vehicle for those realizations.  I think I could have done better on that front, but hindsight blah blah.

  satin_doll:  How familiar were you with the Sherlock Holmes character before the BBC series aired, and what made you want to write about him?

 sunken_standard: So I wasn't very familiar at all.  Just what was in the general cultural lexicon, maybe a few episodes of the Granada series on PBS as a kid, a few of the stories that I just couldn't get into when I tried to read them because I hate Victorian prose (hate it, everything about it, I won't read anything written before 1920 or so because I just hate it [Wilde being the singular exception, but I even get bogged down by him]).  Oh, and the RDJ movie, which wasn't really Sherlock Holmes to me, but just like a Victorian-era action movie.  After S1, I just devoured canon (though, full disclosure, I still haven't read all of it, probably only about 80%), then moved on to other adaptations and canon-era fic and pastiches, read a bunch of extra-canon material on the internet.  So as far as that goes, I'm very much a poseur and newbie in the greater Sherlock Holmes fandom.  At least I did my research?

 Anyway, it really took the modern adaptation and BC's performance to make the character resonate with me.  The aspects he chose to play up—the frustration and impatience and frantic mental energy—just hit a nerve.  He really channeled the “gifted” experience (which I suspect was just a lot of BC himself bleeding through).  Finally I could use a fictional character to bemoan how stupid everyone around me was and sound like a complete asshole and be completely in-character!  The heavens smiled upon me.

 Really though, I was initially attracted to how cerebral it was and how smart the fandom was overall.  It was the early fandom (and I mean early, like days after episode 1 aired) that drew me in, at least to a participatory (vs. consumptive) level.  Lots of very clever, very educated, very queer people having these deep, insightful discussions about everything (sometimes only tangentially related to the show).  When I did start writing, I didn't have to dumb anything down; the challenge was to sound smarter than I actually am.  And, I mean, I got to dredge up a lot of my own emotional baggage from being a perpetual outsider, which is always cathartic (and probably not very healthy, long-term, because it's not resolving anything, just exploiting myself, but that's a can of worms).

  satin_doll:  Are you more drawn to Sherlock or Molly as a character, or both equally? Why?

 sunken_standard: Sherlock, I think, for the reasons described in the last question.

I don't generally identify with female characters in fiction, since my own identification as female is tenuous (and in general they're poorly written and poorly realized, but that's another story). I mean, I can draw from my own experiences as a (mostly) female-shaped person with female socialization, but I have a hard time intuiting feminine and it's harder for me to write a “normal” woman.

Paraphrasing something I read in an interview with another fic author I admire, writing a woman is always a self-portrait, and how much of yourself do you really want to reveal?  Since I don't know how to woman correctly, I'm always afraid I'm going to slip up and hit the wrong beat for what a normal woman is and end up ruining the characterization.  I do manage to channel a lot of my own frustrations with men, relationships, being a single and childless woman over 30, and the patriarchy into Molly's character, though.

 I mean, don't get me wrong, I really love Molly (and always have—I was one of the first to use her as a main character and not just a punching bag or a punchline).  I love her sense of humor and her job and her fashion sense, all of it. She's not one-dimensional.  It's just easier for me to write Sherlock than it is to make decisions about who Molly is.

  satin_doll:  You are “internet famous” for Longer Than the Road (rightfully so!) What about that story do you think is so affecting for fans? How has “Road” influenced subsequent work you’ve done in the Sherlolly ship?

 sunken_standard: You know, I'm really not sure why it seems to resonate with people.  Maybe the homesickness or the exhaustion that comes with impermanence (and I mean, we all feel that on an existential level, everything's always changing and it's faster every year, just existing is like trying to walk in an earthquake).  Or the healing/ recovery aspect of it (I tried to balance both sides, the affected and the caregiver).  Or maybe I just wrote it at the right time (when there wasn't much else out there) and people kept coming back to it because it was familiar.

 As for how it's influenced subsequent work... I'm sure it has, but I don't know how, exactly.  I still think it's the best thing I've ever written and the closest to something literary I'll ever get, so in a way it's an albatross (no one ever wants to be reminded that they already peaked).  I get frustrated when my newer work doesn't live up to the standard I set for myself with it.  That frustration doesn't make me a better writer, it just makes me tired, so everything I do now is paler.

 One thing it did do was cement my characterizations of Sherlock and Molly and the dynamic between them.  I tend to write them a certain way and don't deviate from that, and that all has roots in the push-pull, love-hate thing I established in Longer Than the Road.  I can't write Molly without a degree of contempt for Sherlock and I can't write Sherlock without a degree of shame and contrition in his feelings toward Molly.

  satin_doll:  How does feedback affect what you write? How important is it? Is it more important that a reader “get” the point of the work or just that they like it? What kind of reader do you write for?

 sunken_standard: I try not to let feedback affect my writing.  I mean, I only get positive feedback, really, so it's a high.  I'm not trying to brag or anything; I count myself lucky that I don't get the shit others do (though I honestly think anybody that posts on The Pit is opening themselves up to it because it's a garbage dump, but I've never liked the site, so).  I try not to let it go to my head or anything though.

 I also try not to let it influence the direction my writing takes; I might do a comment fic or write a silly HC or something, but I like to keep my substantial pieces pure, so to speak.  Though sometimes a comment sparks something and a whole other fic grows out of it, so I fail there, I guess.  Sometimes it's a lot of pressure when people say they want to see more of something, or want me to write a kind of specific scenario, so I usually just don't, and then I feel bad about not giving nice people what they want and it starts this whole weird spiral of guilt and obligation and then swinging the other way and getting (internally) belligerent over not owing anybody anything.  I uh, have a complicated relationship with my work being acknowledged in any capacity.

 As for people “getting” it...  I don't know if they really do or not.  Sometimes I get comments and I can tell they're definitely on my wavelength and they picked up on an allusion or a detail or just saw or felt everything in the scene like I did when I was laying it out.  Once in a while I get a comment that has a different interpretation than what I was trying to get across, and that's really cool because it makes me re-examine my own work and see it from a different perspective (which I think makes me stronger for the next thing).  It's really validating when someone “gets” it, but at the same time, I write to entertain other people (as well as myself), so as long as they like it, I feel accomplished.

 It's cliché, but I write for an audience of one. I've tried to write outside my taste and it doesn't end well.  Sometimes I write tropes that aren't my bag (like the Wiggins “the Missus” thing, or kidfic/ pregnancy), but it's kind of like a nod and wink to people who do like it, rather than outright pandering.  At least, that's what I tell myself.  Sometimes you need to try on every bra in your size, even the ones you know you hate, just to make sure you're getting the right one, y'know?

  satin_doll:  Do you think fanfic has changed since you began writing it? If so, how?

 sunken_standard: Yeah, but I don't think it's a good or bad thing. And it depends on where you look and what you consume.  

 In the last like five years, Tumblr's purity culture has shamed a lot of kink back into the closet, I think, and people (in my fandoms, at least) aren't really writing on the edge.  I see darkfic, but it's about as dark as the night sky over Hong Kong.  I think people are afraid to go really dark anymore because they don't want the backlash from a generation fed on a diet of pink princesses and promise rings.  And I think everyone's desire for happy-ending escapism has ratcheted up because the real world is shit and TV shows are all playing Russian roulette with surprise deaths to add drama (thanks, The Walking Dead, for making that element so ubiquitous that the rest of the mainstream picked it up and ran).

On the other hand, I'm not seeing near the amount of badfic as I used to.  It was never as much of a problem on the old platforms and AO3 (compared to The Pit), but there were always some.  I mean, there are still lots of turds out there, but they all seem a bit more polished these days.  As far as the English goes, at least.  Maybe my fandoms are just maturing.

 I think people interact a lot differently now, too. This is going to kind of tie into the next question, but the types of feedback are different now and I think authors have changed what and how they produce to kind of chase the dragon of positive feedback.  Like, when I started, most public archives (read: not just one author's own website with all their fic, like you found in webrings a lot)—both completely open and curated—had some way to submit comments and allowed author replies. There was really no other way to let an author know you liked their work.  I mean, some sites tracked numbers for bookmarking features or hit counts, but those weren't as... active(? I guess), they weren't really participatory for the reader.

 Then AO3 came along and started the kudos thing (which people still bitch about because they think they get fewer comments; like be happy you get anything, ya fuckin' ingrates).  Kudos count became a de facto rating system, thanks to the sort feature. Whenever I start reading for a new fandom, I pick a pairing, pick a rating, and sort by kudos.  Sure, popularity isn't the best way to find good fic, but in any decent-sized fandom you can assume that the stuff on the first page is going to be written to a minimum standard.  Anyway, one of the ways to game the system a bit on kudos is to do a multichapter fic; I've seen works that are like 80+ 200-word chapters (don't get me started on omnibus fic across fandoms).  They aren't the best fic by far, but they pick up kudos every chapter, often from guests that are just people not signed in or on a different device.  I'm not knocking it, exactly, since it front-paged me for more than one fic. Part of me still feels like it's disingenuous, but I also recognize that I should pull the stick out of my ass. Anyway, the kudos count was kind of the death of the one-shot longfic (which, when I wrote Longer Than the Road, was a pretty common format).

And now, it seems like the Tumblr fic culture is writing ficlets (under 1k words) and posting without a beta (and I do it too). Fic consumption has become a social activity.  Reblogs aren't always about one's personal taste, they're a social signal of group affiliation.  If you don't reblog certain things, you're suspect and given a wide berth.  Woe betide the poor fucker that crosses party lines and posts one of the verboten ships.  And I mean, this isn't just one fandom, I've seen complaints about it from all corners—Supernatural, Star Wars, MCU, Steven Universe ffs.  I think when you have predominantly female spaces, you're always going to have an element of Mean Girl culture, y'know?  I'm probably going to get my fingernails pulled out for being misogynistic or some kind of -phobic for saying that.

Whatever.  It's true that a kind of hive-mind develops and all kinds of tropes and HCs get repeated until they become fanon.  I mean, that kind of thing's always happened, but the whole culture of Tumblr forces you to identify yourself and your group affiliation by what fanon you subscribe to, probably because it's harder to find your tribe without dedicated community spaces like LJ had.  With Tumblr, you basically have to trawl tags until you find your echo chamber.

I'm old and I fear change.

Tumblr ain't all bad, though.  It's very collaborative, kind of like the old-school round-robin fic people used to do.  Authors and artists riff off each other and a lot of really cool stuff comes out of these casual collaborations.  And I do like the prompt lists; I remember kinkmemes and prompting communities back on LJ, but it feels more off-the-cuff and spontaneous to just give someone a numbered list and let them roll the dice for you.

You know what else has changed?  We're kind of in a new era of epistolary storytelling with memes and shitposts; stories emerge that aren't prose (though might contain a prose element).  I mean, people did mixed-media epistolary in 2008, but it was a lot harder then (create graphic, hand-code into text piece, hand-code all the italics and bolding and font changes to denote various media types, if you're really a wizard add in-line text links to audio clips to add ambiance).  It's a lot easier to add a new thing on each reblog now, like someone does a video, followed by a 3-panel comic sketch, followed by a ficlet, and then a gif, you get the idea.  I like it; it's just a shame that it's so ephemeral.  Maybe that's part of the charm, though.

  satin_doll:  You’ve talked a bit about your experience with LiveJournal in the “old days”; what other platforms have you used in the past? Which ones did you like best?

 sunken_standard: I went into it a little in another question, but I first posted fic to A Teaspoon and an Open Mind (www.whofic.com).  Honestly, I don't remember much about it.  I'm not sure, but I don't think they had a richtext editor at the time (2008) and I had to hand-code some or all of it.  I vaguely remember having to do HTML for italics and paragraphs.  I know I had to do that on LJ sometimes because the formatting from whatever word processor I was using at the time did some hinky shit sometimes on a copy/paste.

 Next came LiveJournal (and DreamWidth, but I really only used that to back up my old LJ blog).  It wasn't better than Teaspoon, just different.  Teaspoon is niche, only fanfic and only for one fandom (well, one universe of fandoms, really, with all the spin-offs), where LJ was all kinds of stuff under one roof—personal blogs, communities with various intents and levels of participation, fanfic, fanart, gossip blogs, you name it.  I liked the friendslist view thing; it was like proto-Tumblr.  And you could talk to people on the threads; even personal blogs were like a forum.

 I joined AO3 in 2011, after waiting like six months for more invites to open up, but I didn't post anything there until 2012.  I'm really happy with it as a platform for posting fic.  I like the editor and I like the tags, ratings, and sort features.  I never even considered posting to ff.net because I'm a snobby fucker (and they can blow me with their whole “adult content ban” that still continues to be selectively enforced).  Anyway, I preferred having my fic on AO3 before I even left LJ, since I didn't have to split my stories into parts because of character limits.

 And then Tumblr took over and I kind of hate it, since you can't have conversations anymore, it's like leaving passive-aggressive post-its and there's no editing something once it gets reblogged, so typos and bad links and all that are always there.  And even when the original is deleted, the reblog keeps going, which I really hate from a creator's standpoint (though the archivist/ curator part of me likes it because it doesn't get lost in the ether [the recent purge notwithstanding] like so much of the early days of the web did). Tumblr's really bad for posting anything but ficlets and links to fic on other sites.

  satin_doll:  What would your ideal fanfic publishing platform be like?

 sunken_standard: Honestly, AO3 is just about as close to ideal as I can think of.  I just wish you could directly upload images instead of having to do code jiggery-pokery to link to something hosted elsewhere.  I've tried a million times and followed all the tutorials in an attempt to add the cover art to Longer Than the Road (gifted to me by @thecollapseinwonderland), but it just never works.  It shows on the preview, but not on the live version and it's frustrating because I'm computer literate, goddamnit.  Anyway.  And I mean, in an ideal world there would be better ways to find quality fic to my taste, but there's no real way to add a rating system (like 5-stars) independent of kudos without discouraging authors (and I mean the potential for abuse and bullying is just too great).

 Additional reader questions from @ohaine:

 Stylistically, Longer than the road is quite different from the other fics at the top of the AO3 Sherlolly ratings; stream of consciousness at the beginning, and the nested internal thoughts. How much of that was a deliberate departure, and how much was you just channelling the story as it came out of you?

 sunken_standard: At the time I was really influenced by a Sherlock/ John fic (I can't remember the title or author, it was 7 years ago, but I feel bad about forgetting). It was originally on LJ and their journal was a lightish blue color and the font was small (if anybody remembers this... there was something with an EKG and I think something with shooting up blood as a romantic gesture?). It was Sherlock POV and the author had a really unique way of presenting internal monologue. Anyway, at that time there was a lot of experimental writing going on on the slash side of things, it was great. To be perfectly honest, I hadn't read a lot of Sherlolly fic at that time because what did exist (as far as happy-ending/ happy-for-now stories vs like darkfic/ angst) was really, really not to my taste (the exception being Sustain). So it was only deliberate in that—even when I wasn't being experimental—I didn't want to write Harlequin books.

 I wish a story like that would just come out of me. I mean, to a degree it did, but doing the thoughts and sub-thoughts was work. I mean, I've always been a brackets-and-footnotes kind of person because I like reading it, but the way I did the thoughts was more like writing HTML than a regular rambling narrative.

  I think I read recently (maybe on a blog post?) that Riders on the storm was the original inspiration for Longer than the road. Was the scene in the storm your starting point with the story, or where did you begin?

 sunken_standard: That was the first scene I wrote; at that time I had a really nebulous idea of the story. The imagery was really clear in my head, though the very earliest concept took place in the desert—the classic American image of the road going on forever and rusty sands and the heatwaves rising up off the asphalt. I'm not sure how it morphed into North Dakota, I might have seen a picture of lightning over the plains or something.

 So after S2 aired, I just kind of sat and chewed it over for a month before any really strong ideas emerged for a story. I had to find the internal logic for the kind of plot I wanted to write—namely, them on the lam together. Making Sherlock have a breakdown seemed pretty natural at the time; in ACD canon (and many, many pastiches) he was always having them and going off to the country to recuperate. But he was supposed to be dead and he was all over the tabloids, so it's not like he could just move to some sleepy little village and hope no one recognized him.

I thought about sending him to Europe, using the places ACD Holmes went after Reichenbach (and I did start more than one with them in Florence, a few incarnations of which were Molly/ Irene wanklock PWPs, I actually think one of the Rusty Beds stories came from that, but I digress). The only problem with Europe is the language barrier; I thought it was too convenient to make Molly fluent in another language (she might have some conversational Spanish from a holiday or something, but that's it), so I had to make them go somewhere where English was common enough. I also didn't want them too far from the UK; I wanted Sherlock to be able to get on a plane and be back within half a day (I realize this isn't the reality of flying, but deus ex Mycroft, so). So Asia, Australia/ NZ, and even South Africa were out, leaving Canada, the US, or parts of the Caribbean. I didn't want them to by happy, so they didn't go to the Caribbean. Canada's great, but it's too nice and they also don't have deserts. America it was; it also really added some background tension because I think a lot of non-USians have a love-hate with us. Movies are okay, music too, and of course the tech and consumer innovations, but everything else is garbage and we're all just rude, ignorant, obese Yosemite Sams. For someone like Sherlock, I think the US is the last place he'd want to go (even though canon ACD Holmes was really into America). And I mean, write what you know, so that was that sorted.

 Once I got them here I needed them to do something; I wanted to tell a very intimate story, and that would be boring if they were just living in a 2BR cape cod in Jersey. And I mean, what city would really suit Sherlock? Where could he have a life that wasn't London? Anyway, the inside of a car is just about as intimate as two people can get, and the greatest tradition in American literature and film is the road trip, and that was when I knew I had a solid foundation for a story. After that, it just kind of flowed as I planned the route.

  Perfect, not perfect-perfect is a beautiful, brave piece that I think has a real air of authenticity to it. It was a very tough read, purely because of the journey the characters are on, and I wondered how difficult it was for you to write? Was it catharsis or an emotional black hole?

  sunken_standard: You know, I'm not really sure if it was either catharsis or black hole. A lot of the particulars and even the emotional places in that story aren't mine, but an amalgam of some other friends' experiences with polyamory. My own experience with it was pretty shit and pretty unremarkable, but I learned a lot about the human heart and how some people can lie to themselves because they can't let go of their ideals and their identities (I'm also still a little bitter), but that's got nothing to do with the price of tea in China, so moving on.

 Since a lot of those experiences weren't mine, it wasn't raw, so it wasn't very hard on me, personally. I think I wrote it in like three days? I don't think I wanted it to be a slog, so that's why it's in present tense and very sparse and matter-of-fact. Dispassionate, even. There are times when I'm writing really emotional stuff that I'm disconnected from it (which is a fuckin' mercy, because most of the time I'm right there going through it, over and over for days sometimes until I get the scene right and can move on to the next thing), and this was one of those times. I was writing this alongside the Girlfriend series, so there was some overlap there; I'd already done the emotional labor for everything up to Mary's death and I was thinking of different angles of approach for later installments of the series.

The most “me” part of it is near the beginning, writing my way around the bisexual experience from someone else's point of view. I don't have a lot in common with any of the characters; they're a higher social class, urban, products of a more liberal culture, yada yada, but there are some things that are just kind of universal and misunderstood about bisexuals, the stereotypes that we have to contend with and end up internalizing.

Oh, and the perpetual alienation is all me, too. Molly's feelings of being left behind are mine, how I felt every time friendships drifted apart or when female friends got married and then had kids. So a lot of the fatalism and insecurity are me projecting how I would feel or react. I kind of like depressed Molly, more than the perpetual ray of sunshine/ cinnamon roll at least.

 *********

 Many thanks to sunken_standard for taking the time to answer these questions!

 And many thanks and much love to OhAine for all her hard work putting this project together! It’s been fun and enlightening!

Next week, Friday 29th March, it’s the turn of @ellis-hendricks and @geekmama 

[lovemesomesurveys]

“I’m a dick, I’m addicted to you”

Do you add extra letters to words sometimes? (ex. haaaa) Yeahhh.

Do you like the letter Z or Q better? I don’t favor one over the other. Who would you like to be stuck on an island with? I’d like to not be stuck on an island at all. What's your favorite quote? I have a lot of favorite quotes. I just love relatable stuff that puts into words how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking better than I can. I struggle with expressing myself and putting it into words, so. Name one random fact about your best friend. She loves the ID channel.

Do you like vegetables or fruit better? Gonna be honest, I don’t eat much of either one. Especially, fruit... it’s been a few years since I’ve had any. :X I have spinach, potatoes, and green onions pretty often, but that’s all the veggies I’ve had in a few years as well. In comparison to my zero fruit intake it’s something at least, ha. There are fruits I like and a few more veggies as well, but I just haven’t had them in awhile. What brand of shoes do you wear? Adidas. What's your favorite smiley face? On the computer I use :) Do you believe that if someone goes to bed thinking of u, u dream of them? I’ve heard that before and it can be a cute thought, but nah. Have you ever snitched on someone for cheating? No. Do you own a Snuggie? I do. What's your favorite number? 8. Which of the 7 dwarves are you most like from Snow White? Sleepy. What's the last movie you watched? Dumb and Dumber yesterday. What's your favorite month? October and December.

“I’m alright”

Do you like the smell of campfires? Yesss. If you could do one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? I don’t know. Do you like eggnog? Yes. Is there a song out right now that you can't stand? I haven’t heard any new music recently. I haven’t been listening to music lately. If you could stay one age forever, what age would you pick? I’d be fine if I just stayed 31 here on out. What's your favorite state? I like my state the best out of the few states I’ve been to (the others being Arizona, Idaho, and Georgia). There’s a few I’d like to visit that could potentially take the top spot for me, though. Have you ever went in public with your tag still on your clothes? I don’t think so.

Would you say your loud or shy? I’m quiet and shy. What's your favorite symbol on the computer? I don’t have one. Are you afraid of clowns? Pennywise is awesome. Do you wear glasses? I do. Ever rode on a horse? Just on one at the pumpkin patch as a kid. Poor horse, guided around in a circle all day.  Do you have trouble saying or spelling some words? I think I spell pretty well. I stumble over my words when I talk sometimes, but I think my pronunciation is pretty good. Have you ever thought something was just to good to be true? Many times. And when I think that, it’s usually true. Do you like potatoes? I love potatoes.

“I’m in trouble, I’m an addict, I’m addicted to this girl”

Are you random? My thoughts and dreams are really random, but I wouldn’t describe myself that way. I’d say I’m predictable and boring. Do you believe that aliens are real? I don’t know. Certainly not the weird looking green creatures that are usually depicted for some reason. Do you sleep with the TV on? I do. I’ve done that ever since I was a kid. What's the longest you've slept in? Like 5PM or so. Have you ever seen a hairy toe? Yes. What's the last thing you watched on TV? Roseanne this morning. Do you have a song stuck in your head? Not at the moment. Who do you talk to the most? My mom and brother. What's the first thing you get on when the internet comes up? When the internet comes up oh man, was this made in the late 90s, early 2000s? lol. The first thing I do when I get on my laptop is continue scrolling through my Tumblr feed or do a survey. When's the last time you were sick? I’ve been sick with something for the past week. And no, it’s not the rona.

Which is your favorite: Music, Dogs, Shoes, Books, Jonas Brother? I love a variety of music, I love doggos in general, but I’m biased towards Labs and German Shepherds, Adidas are my favorite shoes, and back in my die hard Jonas Brothers days I was a total Joe girl. What color is your hair brush? Rose gold. Do you enjoy arcades? I did when I was a kid. We used to have one at my mall back when I was a kid that was a fun place to go. And Chuck E Cheese, ha. Have you ever liked 2 people at once? Yes. Have you taken a nap today? Not so far.

“show me the meaning of being lonely”

Would you ever want to be in a horror movie? I think it’d certainly come off as believable because I’m such a scardy cat and super jumpy. Being chased would genuinely scare me even it was acting. Even knowing what was going to happen I know I’d still be jumpy. Only thing is I don’t have the scream down that you gotta have for a horror movie.  Have you ever been to Washington D.C? Nope. Do you hate when girls have guyish names and boys have girly names? I really don’t care.  Have you lost or gained any weight since February? I know I haven’t gained any weight. I’ve probably lost some weight, which is really not good for someone who’s already underweight.  Have you ever felt like no one wanted to be around you? Yes. I don’t even want to be around me. I often feel like I’m such a burden and annoyance. It’s my own thinking and feeling, though. My family doesn’t do or say anything to make me feel that way. I have had other people make me feel that way, though.   Have you ever had to use a pay phone? Yes. Have you listened to music today? Nope. It’s been awhile since I’ve listened to music, actually. Do you only drink bottled water? Yes. Don’t judge me. I bet someone is on your mind right now, right? No, actually. Do you like writing in pen or pencil better? Pen, definitely. What's the last magazine you bought? I don’t even remember it’s been so long. Has anyone in your family ever forgot your birthday? My parents, brother, and close family members always remember. Was it any of your friends birthday in the past week? My older brother’s birthday was a couple days ago. Is anyone else in the same room as you? Nope. Are you one of the popular people in your grade? I’m done with school, but no I was never popular.

“you never call me when you’re sober”

What word best describes you in the dictonary? ”Depressed”, “Awkward”, “Lame”, “Loser”, “Ugly”... Do you like Soy Milk? Yeah, I’m lactose intolerant. I use that or almond milk. I don’t drink any kind of milk by itself, but I use those in stuff like coffee drinks and cereal. And for dunking my cookies and brownies in. Where were you at 10:30am yesterday? Right here in bed where I spent all weekend. I was having a really rough weekend. I felt really shitty and had zero energy. I couldn’t even drag myself outta bed for coffee, so that’s how you know I was feeling really bad. Thankfully, my mom and brother brought me a Starbucks. Do you think ghosts are real? I believe in spirits, but not actual Caspers. Do you know anyone who has been attacked by a shark? No. What is your best friend's mom name? Lupe. Have you ever made out in a movie theatre? No. What part of your body do you wash first? My arms and work my way down. Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie. How do you think the dinosaurs died? An asteroid. What's your favorite flavor of Pringles? Sour cream and onion, cheddar and sour cream, pizza, and ranch.  What was the last thing you got grounded for? Something when I was like 12. Did you go to a water park last summer? I don’t go to the water park ever. What shoe do you put on first? I think the right. Finish the sentence: Girls.. Just wanna have fun.

“I think we’re alone now”

Have you ever had a song or poem written about you? No. Did you have a nickname growing up? My family called my Noodles, ha. When was the last time you played the air guitar? I don’t know. Have you ever biten your toenail? Ew, no. I’m not flexible enough to even do that, but I would never want to so it’s fine. Have you ever been dared to do something that you regretted? No. I didn’t do dares. Favorite website? Tumblr and YouTube. Worst thing that has ever happened to you? Probably the incident that made me a paraplegic at 7 months old. That’s certainly top of the list. Best thing that has happened to you? My doggos are definitely amongst the top. Best friend? My mom. If you could dye your hair any color, what color would it be? I dye it red and would like to continue to do so. Do you have a wii? It’s my brother’s, but since we live in the same house and I’ve used it, too, I’m gonna say yes.  Most used phrase on IM? I don’t remember, it’s been over a decade since I’ve used IM. Have you ever heard of The Beatles? Of course. Have you ever wanted to give money to a charity? Yes, and I have given to charities.

“Who says you’re not beautiful?”

Would you ever want to have 14 kids? Uh, noooo. I don’t even want one.  Are you wearing any bracelets right now? Nope. Do you have any jewelry that once belonged to an old family member? No. Do you dream every night? I usually do. Give me on of your goals Just taking it day by day. Do you like skinny jeans? Yeah, those are the only jeans I have. Do you ever say stuff that you don’t mean? It happens. Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it? Yeah, but that was back when I was 16 and felt pressured into saying it back to my boyfriend at the time even though I didn’t have those feelings. Ever since then I haven’t thrown those words around lightly. What is your dream guy/girl? A patient, understanding, caring, loving, trustworthy, good sense of humor kind of guy. Do you hate when people overract? I can definitely be one of those people that overreact. And I know I’m overreacting when it’s happening, but I can’t help myself. I sometimes see people in situations where I’m like, ‘omg, they’re totally overreacting’ and think it could be handled differently, but yet I do the same thing. When was the last time you used the oven? It’s been awhile, actually... I don’t remember. Have you ever wanted to be free like a bird? ”And I’m as free as a bird now... and this bird you cannot change.” Are you a worrier? Oh am I ever. Does your house have an attic? Nope. Are you going fishing this weekend? No. I don’t go fishing.

[official-mr-saxobeat]

N e way it has been 728 days since I last saw/had any communication from my older brother (and longer for my little brother, but I don't know the exact date bc I wasn't fucking PAYING ATTENTION.)

And you know what? I remember the day. 7-14-17. He told me he'd text me the next day and see me the next week. You wanna know how many times he's contacted me? Zero. He's also blocked me. All because his fucking CUNT parents (can you say: DIS-GUS-TENG) decided for some fucking UNKNOWN reason that our mom, sister, and I needed to be cut off completely. Literal family, disowned with absolutely no explanation. He and I were closer than ANYONE and ALWAYS told each other we were more important than anyone else to each other. He has had so, so many opportunities to contact me. Literally just sending a fucking letter could've worked. Just, "Hey, it's Tyler. Simon and I are ok. We miss you a ton. Don't send anything back." But would you guess what? Nope. Nothing. One of his friends said that he misses me, and is apparently going to text me once he's 18. But a mutual friend of ours (who's closer to him than the other one) said more recently that he hates me now! Neat. Great. Good. Wonderful. Our sister lived in a much, MUCH more dangerous house than his, and yet wouldn't you know it! She has contacted me every single time she's had the opportunity, and risked a lot for it too. Even if she couldn't carry on a conversation, she'd let me know that she was at least safe or ok. And wow! Now that she has a phone again, she texts me all the time! Almost like...if you put in the effort to contact someone you care about, you absolutely can! She's planning to drive down and visit me! (If you're reading this Pauline I love you SO HECKING MUCH HOE ASS HOE!!!!)

I even believe that our little brother would have contacted me if he knew how. He was fucking six the last time I saw him. He's turning nine this August. Of COURSE he can't contact me, he doesn't have a phone or know my address to send a letter.

Anyway. I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. Lots of people have told me to just give up.

....

Don't they get it...? I can't ever give up. He was my everything. Absolutely everything to me. He was there, always, no matter what.

He has no idea how many times I've cried, sobbed myself to sleep over losing him. He has no idea how much sleep I've lost over him, whether it be from nightmares where he finds me and tells me he hates me and hopes I kill myself, or from not being able to sleep because I had an unexplainable feeling that he might, just maybe, come see me, and I didn't want to go to sleep for fear of not hearing a knock or the doorbell. I'd already gone through that with our sister. He has no idea how many times I've come so, so close to just texting him, telling him how much I miss him, telling him I've changed, how much I wish he'd come back. How much I wish I could just hear his voice. See his face. Hear his laugh.

I don't know what I did. I have absolutely no clue. Neither does Pauline. Or our mom. Not an inkling. I found a letter the other day from them when I was going through boxes. A birthday card. There were long messages from both of them (the cunts) inside, telling me how much they loved me, how proud they were of me and the young man I was growing into, how much they loved having me as a part of their family, etc, etc. Who knew that in less than a year and a half from then, they'd be telling me I shouldn't ever ask about going on a family trip to the beach. But not for the same reason it used to be. It used to be, "Don't ever ask if you can come with us on a family trip, you're OBVIOUSLY coming! Why wouldn't you? You are family, after all!"

Then it was, "You're so selfish. Don't EVER ask something like that. Why would you think you could just invite yourself on a trip with us? How DARE you be so disrespectful!? You should be ashamed of yourself."

I hadn't even asked to go. I had been on every single beach trip EVER with them. They were family, after all. Tyler told me they were going to Santa Monica and asked if I was coming. I said no. I hadn't even known anything about it. So I texted CUNT BITCH (CB) and she didn't respond. All I said was, "Hey, Tyler told me you're going on a beach trip on Monday and Tuesday, did you forget to invite me or should I just not come?"

She didn't respond for over four hours. Which was really fucking weird. Because she always responded to me. So I texted again. "It's totally fine if I can't come, I'd just appreciate it if you could tell me instead of leaving me on read please."

Wow! Would you guess what. CUNT FUCK (CF) (her husband) texted me ALMOST IMMEDIATELY from her phone. The message read something like (I don't have the original texts anymore),

"How could you be so selfish. Inviting yourself on a trip that's for FAMILY ONLY. (Insert rant about how I'm a terrible person and caused CB to have a "panic attack") (and yes, I know putting panic attack in quotations seems really bad, but she faked panic attacks the entire time I knew her, aka my whole life. And they got SO much worse in those last couple months.) You hurt CB so much. You know how much she cares about you, and yet you accused her of ignoring you. How could you. I'm disappointed in the amount of disrespect you are showing right now." (Side note, I went over to his house back in June, CB opened the door, didn't recognize me at first, then said, "Nope, get out!" And slammed the door in my face.)

Tyler came over the next day, we hung out, he left. When he hugged me goodbye he said he'd talk to his parents about bringing me on the beach trip, he didn't know why they hadn't asked me.

And that was the last I heard from him. Friday, July fourteenth, 2017. Never again. I don't know if he hates me. But it certainly seems like he does.

I don't know, maybe one day he'll contact me again. Maybe he won't. Maybe I'll live the rest of my life wondering what I did and why he and his parents hate me. Maybe he will contact me, just to tell me what a terrible person I am and how glad he is he was separated from me.

I don't know.

I just want to talk to him again. I want to tell him how sorry I am for being a bossy prick. For beating him up when we were little (but I mean we're fucking brothers, and that's just what we fucking did back then). For not being there on his 14th birthday. For getting angry when he won games. For being angsty all the time when I was older. For lecturing him about Homestuck all the time. For being in the hospital so much when I was younger (see: being angsty all the time). For spending more time with s/o's than him sometimes. For waking him up at 0100 in the morning in 7th grade. For being so flamboyant about my sexuality for a few years (god, that was bad). For saying TRIGGERED every two seconds. For hurting myself even after I promised I wouldn't. For not being good enough at the piano to play the Animal Crossing: City Folk museum theme with him. For not waking up early when he was over. For not making enough (or good enough) homemade gifts for him. For not having enough random gift days. For not listening to him when he said things I was doing were edgy. For making him listen to annoying music.

For not being a good enough brother.

I miss him so much. I miss Simon so much. I miss Pauline so much too, obviously, but it's different because I've been able to talk with her all the time. I know she loves and misses me. I also have a feeling that Simon loves and misses me too. He always liked/loved me more than anyone else. He hated his parents. He told me so. I was the only one that respected him. I feel like no matter the amount of brainwashing his parents did to him, he'd know the truth. I just hope he knows I didn't abandon him. That I love him so much. And that it hurts so, so much, every day. And especially on Christmas and his birthday. And Halloween. We loved Halloween.

It's 0606 now. There's 41 hours and 54 minutes until it's been two whole years.

I wonder if he remembers the day...?

I don't know.

I wonder if he'll read this one day. Probably not. But if he does I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I miss him and how much I miss our driveway talks in the middle of the night and Mario kart races and pool games and water pool games and snowmen and sledding and writing stories together and drawing maps together and listening to pop songs while making fun of them and playing the undertale song game and playing minecraft and watching markiplier and fighting and cheating at board games in each other's favor and sorting candy after Halloween and collecting shit money from a camel in that Indiana Jones lego Wii game and making characters in that star wars lego Wii game and screaming badgers at the top of our lungs and spinning in circles to the hamster dance and walking home from elementary school and learning Japanese and OPERATIONTWENTYFOURHUNDRED and Sliced and making house tour videos and other fucking stupid home videos and building legos and rebuilding legos bc of simon and REREBUILDING LEGOS BC OF SIMON and planning midnight snacks that never happened and going to the waterpark and going to the park and finally being allowed to go places on our own and practicing singing to you and seeing you at all my concerts and playing Kirby's Return to Dreamland to 100% together and making really disgusting food creations when we were really little and playing with your hotwheels and cleaning my (DIS-GUS-TENG) room together and having random gift days and all your birthdays and all my birthdays and your AMAZING peanut butter fudge banana smoothie (which I,,, still have yet to perfect) and you being absolutely blunt and truthful towards me (except about my drawing skills/drawings which you absolutely loved even though they were terrible) and going through the undertale files to try and hack the end credits so we could get through the mysterious door and having tea parties together with that FUCKING TINY tea set (I have a big one now though) and giving you fashion shows with fucking stupid clothes that were really bad and playing Wii ski together and Super Mario Galaxy together while you were Mario and I froze enemies and collected stars and playing HMTOT and playing Animal Crossing and you selling everything you caught and all your furniture (besides mario stuff, obviously) so I could buy the Gracie Grace stuff (god, I was a cunt) and EOU (YOU'RE AS BLIND AS A WORM) and essentially having our own language and reading jack and annie books when we were really little and just. There's 20,000 more things plus some but I could never list them all. Everything we've ever done together I miss.

I don't know your views on a lot of things now. I don't know what you think about gay people. I've heard that you've called me they instead of he ever since we stopped talking. That's understandable, though. I dressed like a girl and wore makeup and stuff. I was confused. I thought that's what you were supposed to do, as a gay dude. Obviously not. I'm way less out there about my sexuality now. It's not something I talk about. It's not my whole fucking personality anymore. Which is really good.

I've changed so much since I last talked to you. I'm not edgy anymore. I fucking finally hit puberty (GODDAMN IT WAS FUCKING LATE) and my voice is really deep and I've been growing quite a bit of facial hair, which is nice. I don't look like a fucking girl anymore because I stopped dressing like one and wearing makeup and stuff. I realized that being mistaken for a girl felt like shit and tumblr was shit for encouraging that, just because I'm gay. I haven't hurt myself since September 4th, 2017. So that's also good. I've seen the bad things in mom that I couldn't see before. (Even though there's literally. Nothing that should have made your fucking cunt mother and father disown Pauline and mom and I.) I've made more friends and lost a lot too. I've done more writing, but nothing too edgy. I got my shit together in school and I'm going to CCCC starting in the fall. I almost have my driver's license. One of my best friend's moms is the manager at Starbucks and I talked to her about hiring me, so I'm getting a job soon, too. I started learning the piano again, for the first time in 12 years. Since the last time your mom taught it to me. I started cooking more, and have made some pretty amazing dishes, if I do say so myself. Mom and I sent you and Simon birthday and Christmas presents every year. They always were sent back. Except for your 16th birthday. I bought you a pineapple pizza club pin and an orange dad hat with an orange on it. Those are the only things that ever haven't been sent back. I sent a note with them too. Did you read it? I hope so.

I brag about you all the time. Mostly about how smart you are. "My brother essentially taught himself pre-calculus in 10th grade, and STILL passed the class," I say. I then go on to explain that you were homeschooled and your math teacher almost never showed up to the online classes.

I've wondered often about what college you're going to go to, or even if you are going. We used to plan to go to one together. I can't even remember what I wanted as a career the last time we talked. I remember that you had no idea, though. I remember you being really good at coding. Maybe you're majoring in computer sciences? I don't know.

I really miss you a ton. Before she kicked me out, mom used to encourage me to send you a letter. I never did. I was scared. Scared of getting a letter back like the one I sent to Simon on his eighth birthday, or the Christmas package we sent in 2017. Both came back to our house with "RETURN TO SENDER!!!!!!!" written in thick black sharpie on the front. Even worse, I imagined a letter back in your handwriting. I would've been so, so ecstatic. Beyond thrilled. Then upon opening it, finding a handwritten letter from you saying that you never wanted to hear from me again and that you hated me.

It was selfish of me. To not send you a letter. I'm sorry. I texted you twice. You blocked me the second time. It was too scary to me. I should've been brave. For you. Just so you knew I was thinking of you. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I miss you so much.

After I moved back to our hometown, I thought about going to your house. I texted one of your friends. He said that he could text you for me. He said that you said you miss me. And that you'd text me as soon as you turned 18. Tyler, you don't even know my number. I don't know if the guy was lying or not, but I don't think so. He doesn't seem like the type. He said that you wouldn't have him communicate for us. I don't know why.

I don't know why your parents hate me. I don't know what I did. For the longest time, my therapist and mom and Pauline told me that I didn't do anything, it had to have been something between mom and your mom. I didn't believe that at all. If it was just mom, why did they cut Pauline and I off...? But eventually I started to believe them. That was clearly a mistake, seeing how your mom treated me when I saw her. I wonder if she told you about that. She literally slammed the door in my face. In her own son's face. Who she always told would always have a home with her. Who she always told would always have a place in her heart, no matter what happened between mom and her. So clearly I did do something. I have no idea what. Could it really be that I asked about if I had been forgotten for a trip...? Was 15 years of raising a child completely disregarded because I was curious and confused? Again, I have no clue. I doubt I ever will. But if that is the case. If that's why specifically /I/ was cut off (because I know there was something else between mom and your mom that she literally never explained. Literally all mom and Pauline and I know is that apparently mom was "abusive" for years towards your mom, despite nobody ever seeing it, her never mentioning it before I went to Oak Grove, and her saying that she "knew it happened, but didn't know what it was"), then I doubt that your parents ever really loved me. If a simple question erases a lifetime of care and love and bonds and family, then all of those things were never really there.

It's 0737. Yeah, I still use military time. Also, I wanted to do a speech (in my speech class) on why a time system based on 10's would be better for the world. Remember? You wanted that. I couldn't remember the details, though. Anyway. It's 0738. There's 40 hours and 22 minutes until it's been two years since I've seen you.

I often wonder if you think about me. I think about you all the time. Have I faded from your memory? What am I to you now? Am I your brother, your closest confidant, your best friend, and your <>? Am I nothing? Just a faint thought, a distant memory? Or am I your worst enemy? Have your parents convicted you that I'm a horrible person? I desperately hope not. I hope you remember everything. And I hope that you realize that it's been a long time, and we both have matured a ton. Going from an edgy 10th grader who thinks dressing like a girl, screaming "GAY," and looking up undertale AU's are the coolest things ever to a college freshman who finally realized that sexuality shouldn't be a personality trait, being an edgy cunt isn't cool, and responsibilities are actually important is a big difference. I'm sure you've had some huge changes too. You're almost 18. As of today, there's 2 months and 2 days until your birthday. I've been waiting for it for so, so long. An eternity, it feels like. I'm so scared. I don't know if you hate me or not. I'm going to text you. I'm not sure on what, but something. I'll tell you happy birthday. Just so you know how to contact me in case you want to talk. I have no idea if you'll just block me right off the bat. I'm hoping so, so much that Nathanael wasn't saying you hate me.

It's 0756. There's 40 hours and 4 minutes until it's been two years since I've seen you. Error 404 means...something not found, right? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I miss you. I love you.

Please come back soon.

- E. Nikolas B.