#i hate when people like my old post like jesus christ stop traumatizing me

[doublejointedrockcore87]

It'd hard existing on this goddamn app because people like your old post like why are you traumatizing me, my new stuff is better dawg 💔💔

[marx-xiii]

Hi I’ve never made a post like this, but I just had the craziest conversation with my mother and so much of my life makes sense now. I’m not looking for sympathy or advice, I really just want to get this out. Fair warning in advance for use of slurs, and I will be talking about school related trauma.

For those of you that don’t know me, hi you can call me Marx. I grew up in the early 2000s and was raised by my two lesbian mothers. One biological, and another who’s out of the picture, but that’s a story for another day.

I’ve had always struggled a lot in school, but I’ve always felt an imposter when talking about them in the context of mental health. I can barely remember anything from Pre-K up to 3rd grade, so I always felt like I had no room to talk if I could remember it. But today I was talking to my biological Mom, who I will simply refer to as my Mom from here on out because she’s always been my major maternal figure, and somehow we got onto the topic of my childhood and hometown. Jesus Christ, the way the people in my home town treated me was just straight up evil.

In Pre-K, literally my first teacher was this bitter old woman, who had a reputation for selecting one boy each year and just absolutely breaking them. Apparently, I walked up to her on the first day with no fear and held her hand. She made some snide remark about how brave a little boy I was while we walked inside. Later that day I got up to go to the bathroom, and she just hollered at me to sit down for getting up without permission. I was so scared that I wet myself right there and then in front of the whole class and everyone started laughing at me. From that day forward she would fucking separate me from the rest of the class, literally would stop them from talking to me, and that town was so backwards and hateful that they basically encouraged it.

Sadly it didn’t stop with her. Even after I left her class, that reputation of being a punching bag stuck with me, and was only amplified by their homophobic parents. Evidently, the mere presence of my openly gay mothers was enough justification for them to treat me like the fucking bogeyman.

Deadass my “best friend” at the time, who my mother drove to school every morning refused to talk to me at school. He would just straight up hide from me because he knew better than to be associated with me.

I had friends’ parents who would send me home from their house when other kids came over, because God forbid the other moms of the PTA saw you associating with the two d*kes and their weird little f*ggot boy tyke.

Even during the holidays, when the class moms organized a gift exchange, they deliberately went out of their way to exclude me and refused to get me a gift. And later that day, a girl from my class had to drag her mom out to get me a gift because her father refused to give her the money for it.

So much of my life makes sense now, to this day I feel genuine fear every time I have to talk to an authority figure. It’s like a survival instinct, literally fight or flight. I feel like I have to protect myself from them. And I always used to feel like it was because I was just paranoid, now I know it was because I was genuinely fucking traumatized as a kid.

It actually feels really good to have those feelings validated. It wasn’t just me.

Anyways, thank you for reading if you made it this far. I have to go now and do 50 drawings of a bag of flour kicking a ball, but when I get home I’ll be make edits to fix the formatting if need be.

[androideyes]

My feelings on him flip flop depending on the episode, but mostly I hate him for how he treats B'Elanna, and how he hogs screentime despite being a boring character. Like, he was clearly put there to be the Obligatory White Guy for white male viewers to relate to, his interests and attitude and father issues all scream Everyman. And I really resent that! I wish Star Trek, and TV, had been past that already!

Basically every other character is more interesting than him, not to mention his holodeck activities are boring as hell and take up so much screentime. It's really grating to have to watch a recreation of an old sexist sci-fi program in the show that was supposed to be landmark for women. It feels like paying a toll or something. It sucks. It's just not funny.

Not to mention, so much of his character is not taking other people's feelings seriously. (Unless intensely convinced.) He's always making fun of B'Elanna for what he perceives as her "Klingon traits" (wildly exaggerated regular human behavior and straight up not true) and it is really racist! They present it like the rhetorical boy tugging on a girl's pigtails on the playground because he likes her, as if it's harmless and charming.

When, in "Lineage", we can see how much that exact behavior was really traumatizing for her in her childhood. (Not that we needed A Backstory to recognize his behavior as wrong, it just hits way worse after seeing that.) It's also funny, because "Lineage" is the only episode that I feel successfully portrays their relationship positively and meaningfully. But it simply can't erase all his behavior towards her in previous episodes.

It's actually wild how differently his character is written when he's Joking and you're supposed to laugh along, and when he's Serious and you're supposed to take his caring seriously. B'Elanna is easily hurt by his jokes and flippant attitude towards her, but he never stops. And when he finally is sweet in An Important Moment, how are we supposed to take that total dissonance seriously? There's no consistency or accountability! It's frankly reminiscent of sexist old sitcom couples! She’s treated badly for jokes, and then connects with him in “heartwarming” moments later that don’t address the mistreatment at all!

I'm particularly horrified by how in "Infinite Regress" when Seven is possessed by the memories of a Klingon Warrior and makes unwanted advances on B'Elanna, she asks Seven if Tom put her up to it.

That one line hit me so hard. He's supposed to be the closest person to her on the ship, someone who she can rely on to care about her, and he acts so badly that she thinks he might get a socially inexperienced friend to impersonate her species and sexually harass her? As a horrible prank? Like. Jesus Christ.

Wow I didn't expect this to become an essay. Honestly, generally my attitude toward him is he's Fine. He's Okay. He's got plenty of good moments and a couple good episodes. He can actually be a little funny on occasion. But you asked for reasons why I hate him, and well... Turns out there's a lot. Lol.

(And I wasn’t gonna actually post this, but I just saw more defensiveness over him and, ugh. Some people are so incredibly, easily dismissive of others earnest analysis of racism and misogyny, like it’s just meaningless because he acted nice in two episodes. Or because they’re projecting ulterior motives on the people who take issue with it.

I understand when accepting criticism of something one enjoys makes one enjoy it less, but that’s something to grow past, not indulge. It’s never okay to dismiss people’s complaints about bigotry without even trying to take them seriously, just because a person has a favorite. It’s so frustrating to see that behavior in people who do care about the bigotry in the show, but only when it doesn’t conflict with their preferences.)

Voyager fandom, please explain to me why you hate Tom Paris.

Genuinely asking after seeing the results of that poll. Please, gimme the reasons.

[actually-impostor]

I am so tired

And exhausted. Disappointed. And worried

Jesus christ I'm worried

Because they are kids. They are childrens.

I'm gonna go on a long rant, everything will be tagged as it should, and this post will be behind a read more. Care for yourself while reading.

Tommyinmit. Tubbo. Ranboo. Hell, even Purpled (tho luckily i havent seen him be fucking attacked and hounded and harassed in this way. Small mercies)

They should NOT have to carry the weight of expectation A Bunch Of Adults Have Put On Their Shoulders

Read that again

YOU AS AN ADULT SHOULD NOT PUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON THE SHOULDERS OF CHILDREN

Should they try to better themselves every day? Yeah, but that's something every human should do

Should they stop being children just because they have a platform?

FUCK NO

Im sorry the internet and the world and the adults around you failed you to the point where you think having a mental breakdown everyday for all the struggles around the world you Are Forced To Read About is somehow normal.

Because darling, it's not.

Its not normal, or okay, or something to flex about, that your mental health is being put to such a risk just so you can stay "on top of things"

Im going to re-phrase something i said in 2019 about child actors (i know they aren't "actors" in the traditional sense but they are child celebrities, and it fits)

What you guys have to realize is that the difference between them and... idk, kids you see in your school or in your neighborhood, is that They Have An Audience. They had a sudden spike of people who from one day to the other focused their attention on them and decided "mh, I want to give them attention and a platform for a/b/c reason". You gave them your attention, if you disagree with something they said or their attitudes or whatever, you are in complete liberty to take away your view without feeling like you have to put them on blast.

They are young enough where their personalities, reactions, and opinions are still an echo of the adults and friends who surround them. They are starting to form their own opinions, but its still very much filtered by whichever influence got them first (parents, idols, teachers, older siblings, etc)

We are all ignorants when we are kids, even those who had to suffer thru a lack of privilege are ignorants of things up to a certain point. We grow to educate ourselves in whichever way we can, but we are still ignorant to A Lot Of Issues while we are growing and becoming ourselves.

The difference between us nobodies, and child celebrities (or kids with a following. Twitch streamers, tiktokers, youtubers, actors, etc) is that they have a constant spotlight and millions of eyes on them.

Everyone has access to when they fuck up because its never in private, Because They Dont Have That Privilege.

They are not allowed to mess up, because they are expected to be perfect.

Read that again.

They are KIDS who are Not Allowed To Make Mistakes Anymore.

They aren't allowed to make mistakes, a central point of growing up that helps you become a better person. They are not being allowed to grow and become better because they are not being allowed to fuck up, which is human!

And instead of Actually being helpful, the solution you, ADULTS, have come to... is to send them hate?

Your solution is to call them racist, homophobic, horrible humans who wont better themselves.

What have you done?

Answer that to yourselves.

What have you done?

Have you donated to your charity of choice? Have you given the microphone to the ones that struggle? Have you woke up and think "im gonna do a random act of kindness"?

Or are you just going to waste your energy and yourself bashing a teenager on twitter and staring as his mental health fucks off? In front of a live audience that instead of realizing they were taking things TOO FAR decided to try to "hammer the point"

What are you gonna do if they fuck off?

Because what´s happening is not "EDUCATING"

Is bullying a child.

Thats all there is. You have successfully bullied a child, yay. Now he doesn't want to learn better because no matter how much he educates himself yall still decide he is the worst human being on the planet for not being able to express something in a way YOU feel HE should.

Allow people to make mistakes without them being crucified every fucking step of the way.

Another thing is this need to remind them "i have this mental health situation, now say something to make me feel better"

Fantastic that you found someone and something that can help you out of a dark place. Now do the next part of getting Actual Capable And Profesional Help.

They are children, they are streamers. They dont have the necessary knowledge and equipment and training to help you with something serious. It should not be in their shoulder the weight of actively helping people thru a traumatic event or a shitty situation. If their streams comfort you, great. But thats all they can do.

And if they want to be educated on something Dont Immediately Shut Them Down. Let them educate themselves even if it's on something considered problematic, or something you think "is not important enough", just let them explore their interests without feeling like they have to perform everything for their audience.

Be better.

Do better.

And honestly? I didnt wanted to add this, but after all my sister has a point.

Why are you guys putting so much effort and energy into this? They play video games for a living.

Use your energy into bettering yourself and doing your part for the world. Not into bashing a 16-17 years old child.

Go outside, see the sky, change your scenario a bit. Touch some grass.

I think tomorrow i'll go for a walk.

[transsexualhamlet]

mahiru shit the fuck off challenge

In Which I Bitch About Mahiru (kind of goes along with the takaya kagami what the fuck post and is about the same chapter but it’s just about her word choice)

Ok so also this is about the prologue of catastrophe book 5, in which Mahiru decides she needs to foreshadow major life events that will happen to Yu in eight years and thinks it’s funny that his life is a tragedy when he’s still seven and crying about his parents

Mahiru walks into the thousand nights place and goes “I want to see your seraph boys” and they’re like “we hate you but ok, the one you can take away is at the orphanage so IDK why you’re even here” and she’s like “I just want to monologue about my relationship problems to a 7 year old” and they’re like “fair but we’ll erase his memories bc we know you’re gonna foreshadow things” and she’s like “yes but I know he’ll remember because I’m so Special I’m going to make an impression on him forever” which like she’s kind of right, considering the recent chapters but it doesn’t mean I don’t still hate that

Like I hate that Mahiru makes valid points to Yu for all the wrong reasons. Literally all the wrong reasons like she’s all “yeah you should still live even if you’re a monster because you will need to protect people you love” which is something Yu still believes and basically makes up a LOT of his morals, but what Mahiru is taking that from is “I can kill as many people as I want because I want Guren to love me”

Also the fact that Yu is all like “I’m a demon” and Mahiru thinks it’s hilarious to say “you look human to me” when we know that he is literally the farthest thing from human??

Alkfdjslakdsjfla;sdjllds but thEN Mahiru feels the need to say like “oh, so many people are trying to kill me, there must be a rule among humans that the ones who don’t fit in have to dIE” which just literally translates to “People are trying to kill me because i’m Not Like Other Girls” Mahiru stop, she’s saying that because she’s trying to get a point across that you shouldn’t die just because other people want you to but you’re really not the best example of that Mahiru

The funniest thing is that Mahiru thinks that she’s somehow taught him a Great Life Lesson because she said she wasn’t like other girls I’m gonna commit toaster bath jfklsa;fdsjkla and thEN she has the A U D A C I T Y to say

“The question I asked him will stay in there, somewhere. Because it addresses the core of personhood. When the world tells you to lie down and die, should you? He’ll find an answer to that question, someday. And I have a sneaking suspicion that when he does, it will be in front of a certain someone I once loved...”

Um??? MAHIRU??? If you?? If you are fucking talking about what I think you’re talking about that is suddenly applicable and wasn’t when this book came out then I think I’m gonna need to take some Measures??? Why would Mahiru already know this? She literally has everything planned out to the MINUTE for what happens in the manga? Jesus christ Mahiru

I think this could honestly apply to,,, a lot of things. It could apply to back in the anime when Yu literally dies to save Guren and just straight up decides he’s gonna Not Die because he can do that I guess??

But it could also apply to... well. Chapter 90. What might happen in coming chapters with Yu and Guren applying to,,, all that stuff. It could also apply to the part where Mahiru is like “Yu do you remember me telling you all that” and Yu’s like “uh yeah my reason for living is Mika peace out” and MAHIRU YOU B I T C H I swear to GOD if she PLANNED THAT OUT

djsakld;fslaskjf so then I think the thousand nights guys are getting fed up with her too and they’re like “here are our spicy apocalypse beasts we made them we control them and if we wanted to we could tell them to r*pe you Right Now” and Mahiru’s reaction to that is basically just “cool”

hhhhhhhhhhh not to mention when she says “yes i am a demon,,, a dEmon who Yearns for L o v e” and then a page later goes “yknow I don’t think I actually have a heart” Mahiru literally make up your mind

And t h e n it gets even BETTER when it’s like, Yu is so touch starved and broken that he’d rather have this teenager bitching about her relationship issues than no one so he’s like “you’re leaving??” and she’s like...

“I am... I have my own battle to fight, so you’ll have to stay strong on your own. You do that, and someday I’ll come back to let you out of here.”

Oh. Mahiru. You did not just say that. She promises that when she knows that everything she’s saying is so fake, that she’s using him, that she’s going to actually fucking take away everything he loves and actually BREAK him and she has the AUDACITY to say “hang in there buddy I’ll save you :)))))”

as;ldkfjads and the cherry on top is when she says “see you later, demon boy” and fucking leaves, full well knowing shit like that is the entire cause of his trauma and just generally a really hurtful thing to say when he’s literally saying “i’m a demon I deserve to die” three seconds ago mahiru you can’t tell a traumatized seven year old you’re going to save them and then call them a personalized fucking slur five seconds later

oh oh oh wait there’s one more thing, when he asks “so what’s the point in living” and Mahiru turns around to say “I don’t think any human living is worth anything” like thanks that definitely helped Yu, then going on to say “Everyone is just a cog in the end. Get rid of this or that cog and the next one will be born soon enough to take its place” which hmmmm might be a reference to Yu being a clone but well

I’ve got one more thing to say about this chapter in relation to Mahiru’s words to Yu but that one relates to Mikayuu so I’m gonna make it another one, this is getting so long

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 4X19 Jump the Shark

Oh hey is this the illegitimate brother plotline

boy I love me some sweet sweet ANGST

whelp she's fucking dead

picture of JOHN?

Sam's peacefully brushing his teeth and Dean's Not a Morning Person

boy he's having a bad morning

to be fair, living out of the car is kinda not fun either

"I'm his son" Dean: I'm gonna fUCKING KIL-

he's..premed?

they're going to ruin his life too aren't they, Aren't The-

Dean is taking this really well

I mean he did get the brunt of John's Issues, so I get it, yike

ASDFPIHP them discussing their dad's ~sex life~ is very funny though

Dean was...preteen? when this kid was born? Sam was under ten definitely

Dean Please

No that's your Actual Brother guys PLEASE

hunting accident "ah fair enough"

"who is a nuclear family these days" FEELS SO LOADED

Dean...Dean please don't fUCKING KILL HIM DEAN

THE IMPALA NOOO

"he took you to a baseball game" IDSFHAPF

He's Trying not to CRY OH MY GOD NO WAIT

Sam resonates with the away from college thing oh NO

Dean is trying SO HARD not to snap

at least he's...trying..to keep adam out

corpse snatching => HEY LOOK IT's THE BONE STEALING WIT-

I think I need to stop being online jesus christ

the [both sigh] was so good

well...that's a lot of blood

How the hell do you break it to your illegitimate brother that you're ~technically Wanted by the FBI

at least he's not an idiot

HE'S SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN THEY ARE

I mean obligatory dead mom

"do i get a say in this?" "NO!"

no..no SAM DEAN HAS A POINT

Middle sibling + younger sibling gang up on elder

"have u thought about eternity" "bro i've literally been to hell Idk what to tell u"

Dean doing it solo but Sad is...:(

Oh he worked the old case, that's neat

"so it's over for you" welllllll

OO THE TRUCK SHOT WAS COOL

dean + long dark coat truthing tonight HE LOOKS G O O D

it wants revenge

YOU FUCKERS AND YOUR REVENGE BELA WAS R I G H T

and Adam Instantly wants revenge, you sir are definitely a Winchester

"it's life" WELL IT SHOULDn'T BE

the stupid isolationism I hate it

NO GO CONNECT WITH PEOPLE KRIPKE WHY

Sam's becoming his dad, and Dean isn't

...SAM WHAT THE FUCK

DAD MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT DO RIGHT BY YOU

HIS GODDAMN GRIEF SPIRAL GOT BOTH OF YOU

LET HIM BE NORMAL! HAPPY! IT IS TOO LATE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW(NOT ALWAYS)(Also very close to the thing with zachariah in placement(eye emojis) BUT LEAVE HIM ALONE!

I do appreciate Dean Eldest Sibling'ed it up even if he didn't like the kid/was jealous. Goddammit I wish we got connection in this stupid show

I was expecting a jump scare but somehow the squish is worse

sOn oF aBitcH

Ah FUCK NOT ADAM TOO

I do like the little angel Icon though, that's what's Dean's way out

Ghouls is a racist term?what????

no john winchester was 100% a monster

ah it was their father

yada yada father killing circle idk

YAY! DEAN'S INGENUITY IS BACK!

Ghoul!mom is really really good. I liked Scared Adam better though

the slicing sam scene is BRUTAL jesus christ

So...John got his own son killed in the end...

SERIOUSLY HE WAS TERRIBLE

Dean JESUS CHRIST

awww caring Dean is nice

AWW HUNTER'S FUNERAL

"Adam's in a better place" :(

Dean tried to fit himself into the Dad box, Sam's actually him

"you take it any way you want" oh for FUC- HE- I-

he looked so Sad, so like...he's stopped idolizing him

jesus christ.

boy there's gonna be overlap ok here we go.

1. poor dean. Ok couple things: 1) he elder sibling'ed it SO HARd! he didn't even like Adam, but he still tried to keep him safe(I think). he gave him a hunter's funeral! I just. It was nice to see. It was also INCREDIBLY painful to hear the realization of "you were always like dad, I never could be" and the fact that he didn't even see it as a good thing anymore? fUCK man, that huRT me. Dean tried so hard to be something he wasn't, he got probably the brunt of the abuse(because he didn't measure up to that metric like Sam always would), and in the end all it got him was...just. so much pain. Like it felt like John left his Broken children behind to get a new one, and just turned them into his quest for revenge. It was SO So fucked

Hey actually speaking of

2. AM I SUPPOSED TO LIKE BEING A HUNTER/JOHN? WHAT HTE FUCK?

YALL ALREADY MARTYRED HIM BUT UR MAKING HIM WORSE?

LIKE ok listen. John's kinda set up as the ideal of hunting. They martyred him! And I was halfway sold provided they didn't mention him again. Then! he did this thing where he abandoned his kids, seeing them only as tools to fulfill his quest for revenge, literally broke them(that too late thing+zachariah saying "it's in your blood" when really it was just trained from a young age), got a NEW family he treated a lot better. I just. I have...NO idea how I'm supposed to see him as a good guy here. Maybe I just kin Dean, or his plight is WAY more sympathetic(it is, Sam is kinda pissing me off), but John's just...coming off worse and worse and they KEEP doing it!

Also! this whole cycle of revenge thing! about how if you keep taking an eye for an eye, everyone ends up blind! they barely escaped this time, and I think this was the second revenge plot that I can think of with MONSTERS alone! it was a BIG theme! Like!! hunting sucks! revenge makes you end up in worse places! it's like this one episode was made to show how SHIT hunting was!

wait who wrote this

Dabb+lofflin. The hunting sucks always comes from-

this GODDAMN INCONSISTE-

3. Fuck John Winchester

4. Individualism. Ok this is a big one. Alongside the whole revenge plot thing(which is BIG, and a hunting sucks), this one drove home the sheer individuality of hunting. But while some of the writers see that as Badass, this one made it seem lonely, and painful. Like the flip side to American Individualism is American Chronic Loneliness. I know this one was used to process the ennui of the post recession/post 9/11 time, and it's doing very well for that, but it kinda ends up like this show is EVERYONE'S therapy all at once! the gang's all here! and we're gonna traumatize you in the process as well.

EDIT: and yeah yeah yada yada american individualism is King and then so is it’s accompanying loneliness in the post 9/11 post war in iraq post recession world(we were not having fun in 08/09)

and I get that this show is the writer’s therapy and whatever

(I just thing this is phrased better)

5. bring him back. Connect! Look. I know it breaks the core ethos of this episode. But having Weird Esoteric Hunter siblings would have been SO FUNNY!

give me more sibling content! Sam+Adam teaming up against the Eldest Sibling Dean WAS SO FUNNY! I WANT MORE OF THAT

6. SAM WHAT THE FU-. Look. I hate John. I very much hate John. They set up the Sam/Dean dichotomy in regards to John first episode, and Sam acting more like an ass+like his dad is. Not making me like him. Also I feel like this was written to sympathize with Dean. Which makes the finale even more ironic, I feel.

7. Listen. Listen. One of you has to keep track of continuity. Like I know this becomes a WAY bigger problem later in the series, but if a certain writer wants to process/examine a certain part of the Life/Story(and they should, they set up a lot of interesting stuff), they have to keep track! Because then the show becomes everything all at once.

Like this show has ALREADY started feeling like fanfic of itself, where it just kinda does whatever it wants with its own concepts. And the concepts are GREAT! but you can TELL how inconsistent it is, even in the kripke era

like it ends up being Study of X, Riff on X! and I think that's where the inconsistency comes from. It's also why it's so fucking Excellent in places.

whelp this was a lot holy hell.

OH AND ONE MORE THING!

Bela didn't fit the narrative. That's why they didn't like her. I said at the beginning that an Int'l art thief does NOT fit the vibe of "grungy Angsty American Midwestern gothic" and I was right. With the lucifer story and the vibe she didn't fit, and so they just killed her as foreshadowing, and only used her like that. God I wish they'd riffed on her, especially because her callouts were all completely correct

we're Bela Salting again

listen she was preppy Jack Sparrow with some spiritualism, how dare you tell me not to like her.

[brookscharis]

christian girls & pornography

Ever since I posted a Tik Tok video with the same title as this post, my inbox has been flooded with girls and grown women who struggle with the same temptation that I have.

It might be pretty jarring to come across a Christian girl talking about her struggle with pornography but, it happens. And if my DMs are only .0001% of the population of Christian girls who struggle with lust, then I’m pretty sure every 1 in 2 girls probably has a secret habit of this too –– not even exaggerating. Women are humans with sexual urges too, just because we love Jesus doesn’t mean we don’t wanna do the do (after marriage, of course). But that’s where the struggle starts. As a single woman, we know that it’s God’s will for us wait until MARRIAGE. How can you wait that long and not explode? How is it even practical in terms of knowing your body before your husband does? It leads to a lot of curiosity about sex and a need to understand why it’s so forbidden. 

I saw my first pornographic video as a computer pop-up at 8-years-old. Since that day, it opened a curiosity about sex and what that entire “grown-up world” was about. Like any kid who grew up with the internet and didn’t know something, I googled “sex”. You can only imagine what I got myself into. It’s almost funny but it’s actually super traumatizing. I was bound to watching porn until I was a Sophomore in college. I always felt wrong and knew it wasn’t right after I finished, but I just took the few green lights from articles I found online about the joyous health benefits of masturbation and plugged my ears to my conscience screaming at me. I googled, “Is masturbation bad?” and of course, nothing but, “Nooooo, noo not at all! It’s healthy! It’s good for you to know your own body! It’s good for you to know what you like!” was all that I found. I didn’t think to google, “Is masturbation a sin?” I was 8, but maybe I would’ve had confirmation of the bad feeling that I had on the inside if I asked that question. Because, yes, masturbation is a sin (Matthew 5:27-30). Someone close to me could’ve told me this too, but that would mean admitting that I watch people have sex in my spare time... nah, I’m good. I isolated myself and felt so overwhelmed with shame. No one could know I dealt with this, I hid it and swore I would take it to my grave. But, like the saying goes “what is done in the dark comes to light” and my issues manifested in other ways. This habit led me to lust after my friends (bi-curiosity), feeling like a baby for being a teenaged virgin, and seeking validation from boys by wearing revealing clothes that I never actually felt comfortable in. 

The question that I get asked the most is, “how did you conquer it?” How did I overcome, stop the habit, break the stronghold?

A little backstory. 

So, my lifestyle and spiritual practice at 19 years old was anti-Jesus. I was down for anything, pretty much, except submitting my life fully to God. I didn’t have a religious affiliation, I just considered myself “spiritual.” My open-mindedness landed me in a toxic relationship with one of my closest friends who I knew was bisexual. When we began talking, we bonded over the law of attraction, manifestation, angel numbers, and we confessed to each other that we both watched porn –– it was attractive to her. Fast forward, after much emotional manipulation on both ends (I used her for validation and attention, she did the same), I ended it and I was ready to get serious about God. You see, I grew up a Pastor’s kid in church my whole life, I knew better and I was rebelling. I wanted the peace that surpassed all understanding, I wanted contentment, joy, and favor. That Christmas break, when I went back home from college, going to church felt different. I was engaged and hungry, I was spiritually poor and starved. That’s when my pastor read Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” That’s all I needed and I started pursuing God like never before. I blocked her number, I went back to school after my break and got rid of everything I owned that didn’t please God. I switched up the music that I was listening to, I fasted for the first time (and made it a real spiritual challenge for myself in order to get the most out of it), and I cut back on hanging out with my friends at the time. That’s when I stopped watching porn entirely, and it’s been a year since. Four months since I fell into masturbation. 

Now, I understand how that didn’t really answer the question. That’s because there’s nothing that we can do to conquer anything, but abide in God. It’s the Holy Spirit that gives us a desire to live for Him, He speaks to us and called us to Himself before we say to ourselves, “I think I’ll give Jesus a chance.” That’s Him choosing you! There’s a moment when you snap out of it and notice how you’ve been living in the scraps of what this world has to offer, that moment for me was blocking the girl I was dating. Everything that represented that life had to go, from posters to clothes to what I watched online. I refused to be enslaved to that sin and I surrendered my sexuality over to my Creator.

One thing I want you to take away from this is that we are not the hero in our story. We don’t vindicate ourselves or conquer anything, God is our hero and Savior. It’s through Christ that we are more than conquerors. Not through our own strength or practical tips. 

But they do help! Here are a few:

1) Guard your heart - don’t watch shows/movies or listen to music that’s centered around sex or has a lot of sex scenes in it. Otherwise, it will trigger you.

2) Be mindful of the company you keep - when you want to break free from sexual sin, you won’t find the support or good influences you need if your friends encourage casual sex. Entertaining conversations about sex might be triggering, too.

3) Remember that it takes physical effort and restraint to stop - this isn’t passive, you have to literally refuse and fight against it. 

4) Call on the name of Jesus - forreal, tho.

5) Tell someone - it doesn’t have to be right now but, tomorrow isn’t promised and confessing your sins will set you free. James 5:16.

You’ve probably tried all of that and it didn’t work, that’s because it will never be enough. You’re not strong enough to resist something as desirable and satisfying as sexual sin, as humans (even Christians!) we love sin. There’s something in us that can’t get enough of it –– unless we love something even MORE than we love sexual sin. We must love God, He is our strength. The more time you spend with Him (reading His word, praising Him, worshipping Him, learning more about Him) the more you’ll be disgusted by sin. God changes your desires and you’ll get to a point where you can’t even bring yourself to open that website again. It’s a fight against the Spirit and the Flesh, principalities, and powers, it’s not one you can just grit your teeth and power through –– ya need Jesus! 

Some of you will leave this post and have the spiritual motivation to spend some time with God for a few minutes, then you’ll be bored. You’ll think to yourself, “I really want to stop falling into this sin, but I guess I don’t want it enough because I keep falling asleep when I read the Bible.” That’s not true, beloved. We’ve all been there. Your level of engagement has nothing to do with how badly you want God to work in your life, you need the Holy Spirit to help you. Pray to your Heavenly Father and ask Him to give you the Holy Spirit so that you will enjoy and look forward to knowing more about Him. 

This temptation can either destroy your relationship with God or bring you closer to Him. He can break this thing off of you, but it will be His working in you — completely. He fights our battles, our job is to be still and abide in Him. The more you love Him, the more you’ll hate sin because sin separates *you* from the One that you love, Him. However, it never separates *His* love from *you* (Romans 8:31-38), we can begin to feel distant and guilty which leads us to continue because we feel too far gone anyways. That’s a lie from the enemy. The more you sin, the farther you stray from God, but He never will give up on you. Read Luke 15, it’s never too late to come home — it’s all about having a relationship.

God could instantly deliver you from this but, how would that change your heart and bring you closer to Him? You would be grateful for a bit, then you might slip into another temptation to replace the porn. It’s through a relationship with God that your heart changes and you will not desire any sin. Because outside of looking at others with lust by watching porn, are you a liar? Do you steal? Are you disrespectful to your parents? Are you easily angered and offended? If you are, you’re guilty of more than just watching pornography, you’ve committed crimes against God. But, He loves us so much that He sent Jesus to take our punishment for the sins we committed. Jesus experienced God’s condemnation so we never have to, all we have to do is trust that God’s punishment for us was finished in Jesus’ sacrifice and repent – turn from our old ways and be a new creation. We don’t do this in our own strength, we do this through the Holy Spirit, there’s no way any of us can be more like Jesus without His help. If you truly accept Jesus (not just say the Sinner’s Prayer but allow it to change you), you won’t just go to Heaven, but you’ll receive the love, validation, contentment, and the intimacy that you’ve been searching for here on Earth. 

I haven’t arrived fully to this point yet, it’s a process to become satisfied in Him as a Child of God. At times I fear that I haven’t really surrendered my life, there’s a lot that I still want to control like people’s perceptions of me and making sure nothing impedes on my nap time. However, I don’t doubt that God is greater. It takes time and devotion to love Him, I will continue to learn how to love Him for the rest of my life. But with love comes trust and trust leads to obedience, it’s like that for all of us.

God is not mad at you, He’s not ashamed of you, He doesn’t find you embarrassing and He is NOT disappointed in you. He loves you and He will fight this for you, all you need to do is receive His love by surrendering your life to His purpose for you and start living as the new creation that you are. You are a daughter of the Most High God, no longer are you a slave to sin. 

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV

[cursedthoughtz]

first post (5.28.2020)

11:55pm

i wonder what other people think about, the small little thoughts that cross their mind day to day. i wonder if i’m really as different as i think i am. i’ve always had darker thoughts, but not the scary kind. never towards other people, always towards me. 

thoughts i dont think i could share with anyone or say out loud. Ive long stopped going to therapy. my therapist was the only one who even knew a crumb of what goes on in my stupid, hilarious, mean head. i once told him that sometimes id be in the middle of a decent and pleasant conservation and id say something just a tad awkward, like 4/10 if we were measuring and my mean brain would immediately start repeating it over and over to me, calling me stupid and retarded. ive never really felt in control of my brain. quite the other way around actually. it has me on a leash. although i have gotten extremely better than what it used to be. it used to tell me to bash my head into corners of tables. and it would imagine all the gory details, and then after forcing that image into my head (usually in public too, sometimes school) it would play a mini slideshow of my mom and sister crying, and my best friend wailing as she heard the news of this horrible, horrible, unimaginable thing id done to myself. and for no reason either. all that for a little bit of awkwardness. i used to be so comfortable telling suicide jokes. for some reason it like “came into trend” or something. kms was the most used acronym for a while. i could say it constantly and it felt like this big weight off my shoulders because i was finally saying it out loud but in a socially acceptable way and people would laugh, and i would feel happy for a split second. but then id realize what we were all laughing about. laughing about the fact that i just said i wanted to jump off a bridge. ive stopped doing that and now suicide jokes make me quite uncomfortable. i hate when other people say it. the mean judgmental hypocritical never-been-wrong-in-its-life side of my brain will assume that the person saying “kill me” because they were late to work has never known the true pain of that feeling before. and they should shut the fuck up because they've never been lying in the fetal position on the floor of their bedroom, crying until they cant breathe, just replaying every traumatic thing that has ever happened to them. wishing and praying to a god they dont believe in to just take them out of this planet because they cant stand another minute trapped inside their head with cursed thoughts. but then i take a deep breath and remember i used to say that probably 15x a day. and i damn well meant it. i said it with a huge stupid cheesy smile on my face too, so i have no right taking away what could be their little comfort of expressing that burden. that used to be me.

its hard when youre sad or depressed to not feel superior or like youre in the most pain and nobody would even be able to stand it for a second if they were in your shoes. but the truth is thats stupid. as fuck. everybodys got that little mean voice in their head (i think, at least i hope. cause if not i need to be admitted somewhere lmfao) some peoples mean voices are just louder. but what do i know. nobody's even reading this right now, thank god. but if you are, dont listen to me. i like to lie to myself and pretend i have all the answers and i know everything about life because of all the fucked up stuff ive had to go through. but genuinely, the truth is no one knows shit. not unless they can magically read everyone minds. “we only have our own ideas of other peoples ideas” (i stole that from bo burnham. man is a comedy legend) 

ew i just reread this and it sounded so cringy. what am i 13 years old again? jesus christ. its truly hard to read. but this what i decide to waste my time thinking and writing about, so i guess id better be exposed to that harsh reality sooner or later. i dont want you (imaginary person reading this) to get this impression of me, like im that emo kid from the lorax. im not. in real life i think i come across quite normal. thats the reality of depression i guess. its always right in front in you. can you imagine if i told my coworkers i used to think about bashing my head into walls??? right now they think im some ditzy, happy-go-lucky dumbass with her head in the clouds, which dont get me wrong, does coexist with the other part of my brain. but i just couldn't even imagine the look on their faces if i ever told them what i really think about. which brings me right back to the beginning..... what do they think about?

[msephy]

Upbringing: chap 6/?

Yep, writing on some older Batman fanfic for Nanowrimo :) I hope I can get this one to the end, if I manage to figure out what that is XD

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5

Cross-posted to AO3

Earth ? - Jason Todd

Jason waited near the car while Bruce reassured Dick and explained to him that no, he wasn’t his uncle, and that he was dangerous, and to stay away from him, all the while glaring at Jason. So, alright, he shouldn’t have punched the kid – but what did he expect, really, showing up like a nightmare from the past?

The Perfect Dick Grayson, as he was back in the time of the dynamic duo. The one Jason had spent his teenage years trying to live up to, without ever quite managing to.

Anyway, this one should learn to recognize his local Jason and not to jump so close to dangerous-looking strangers. Or strangers, period. (Jason hadn’t even punched him that hard, in any case.)

Bruce seemed to finish giving his explanations and left Dick to come at Jason, still glaring. Like he had anything to say about the whole thing!

“Child endangerment, B., really?” Jason spat without giving him the opportunity to strike first. “Don’t look at me like that. How can you do that? Putting a child in the streets? Face to face with people even you can’t handle!”

Bruce winced – strike!- and Jason snorted. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’re the worst parent ever. Some things just don’t change from earth to earth, do they?”

“Shut up!” Dickie squealed, always the knight in shining armor whenever Bruce was concerned. Dickie dick. “He doesn’t put me in danger at all!”

“Contrarily to what you might think, he can’t protect you from everything and everyone, Dickie,” Jason answered. “He isn’t invulnerable himself and certainly isn’t infallible.”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“Oh? And what did you mean?” Jason spat again, going in his direction – only to be stopped by Bruce’s hand on his chest.

“That’s enough,” Bruce growled. “You’re going to stay away from him.”

“I’m not going to break the baby bird, you moron. You are!”

“I’m not allowed out in the streets!” Dick screamed. Jason froze. Dick nodded at his expression. “I’m not allowed out until I reach 18, I’m only helping from the computer. And, you know, training. It’s boring, by the way.”

“But it’s safe, mostly,” Jason whispered before looking up at Bruce, who still had this faint guilty look on his face. Jason frowned. “Why do you look so fucking guilty if I’m talking bullshit?”

Bruce frowned, debating whether to tell him or not, then shrugged, his lips corners turned down. “Because it’s not my rule. It’s yours. I mean, Jason’s, my brother’s.”

Jason’s eyes widened, then – he couldn’t help it – he started to laugh. He didn’t know if he was amused, or relieved, or annoyed. Maybe he just wanted to annoy Bruce, which seemed to work.

“It doesn’t make the rule any less important,” Bruce was adding toward Dick. “As you can see for yourself.”

“Oh, you have no idea,” Jason said, swallowing back the laugh that kept wanting to bubble out. “The street is no place for a kid to be. Little Robins get killed on the job. It must be real fun to inforce it with Damian, too, by the way, so congratulations I guess.”

Dick frowned, as if the words didn’t make sense. On Bruce’s face, though, the shock was clear; for anyone who knew him well enough, that’s to say.

“Anyway, adopting kids is fine as long as they’re kept safe,” Jason continued, feeling giddy.

“Who died, in your world?” Bruce interrupted, looking very pale. “If I can avoid it here…”

“Oh, no need to worry. I’m sure your brother would be able to defend himself and he doesn’t seem to feel the need to look for his biological mother,” Jason answered with a smirk. “I suppose she really is Catherine in this earth, on account of his father not being good old Willis.”

Bruce frowned, matching Dick’s expression so closely that Jason felt the laugh come back up from his belly. He managed to swallow it back, this time.

“So, I’m exhausted. Can I sleep upstairs? Or shall we contact the league first?”

“I hoped to serve some dinner before anyone headed upstairs,” said the familiar voice of Alfred from the top of the stairs. “Also, shall I prepare a room for our guest?”

“Yes, thank you, Alfred,” Bruce answered absentmindedly, still obviously worrying over Jason’s sibylline comments.

Jason himself was staring. Alfred. Jesus. The old man looked – well, less old, for one – and also much less tired than he ever had. Jason bit his lip. “Do you need help? I mean. I’m not from around here, but I can use a mixer. It would be soup, at this time of the year, no?”

“Thank you, sir, but I have everything ready and merely need heating it up.”

Alfred disappeared through the door. Jason didn’t insist, turning back to Bruce instead. “So, can I user your showers or what? And maybe steal one of your sweatpants?”

He hated the idea of stripping out of his weapons but there was no way Bruce would allow guns upstairs. If he played it right, he might slip one, or at least a couple of knives.

Bruce eyed him suspiciously, but nodded. They both smelled after their earlier spar. “I’ll find some of Jason’s.”

“Right.”

Jason headed for the showers, turning his back to them as if he didn’t care. He wasn’t safe here, he reminded himself. He wasn’t home.

###

Earth 1 – Jason Wayne

The next day was a busy one. Jason woke up in an unfamiliar guest room and sighed as the events of the previous day came back to him; but that was the least of it. He found Damian and an unknown teenager in a suit in the kitchen with Alfred when he went down for breakfast.

“Sir,” Alfred salutated him. “Do you also care for English Breakfast?”

“Always,” Jason said, accepting the cup with delight.

“And maybe some toast? I made some freshly for Master Tim.”

So that was his name. The teenager was eyeing him suspiciously over his cup of coffee, looking away and pretending to be sleepy as soon as Jason glanced his way. Jason pretended not to notice and sat down to enjoy his meal, to which Alfred added orange juice (freshly pressed) and an apple (all bitter, from the garden).

“Thank you so much, Alfred. You’re the best, in this Earth as well as mine; and likely all of them.””

“I do try, sir. Though the multiverse certainly removes any pretention one has about being unique.”

Jason nodded at that. “Doesn’t it? Even though this is my first encounter with it. So far, I’m not impressed with my doppelganger, if I have to be honest.”

Tim snorted in his cup, earning himself a frown from Alfred.

“Master Jason had a troubled youth and is still searching his path,” the old man commented with a fain disapproving tone.

“Of course,” Jason corrected right away, “and I apologize. I shouldn’t judge, not knowing him.”

Alfred nodded.

Tim shook his head. “He hasn’t given us much not to judge him badly.”

That attracted him another frown, but he ignored it. Damian, though, seemed ready to bite. “He’s trying to follow his own path,” he said, trying to keep his voice level.

“And it’s the wrong path,” the older teenager insisted.

“You’re Tim, right?” Jason intervened. “I’m… well, Jason, obviously. The other one.”

“You’re not in the clear yet,” Tim warned, while nodding to indicate that yes, that was his name. “But Cassandra seems to like you.”

“You still had to come and check?”

Tim emptied his cup of coffee and smiled a perfectly insincere smile that would have suited Lex Luther. Jason fought back the need to applaud. “I’m only the first,” Tim said. “I arrived early because I live in town. I heard Dick was on his way and Barbara, of course, but Barbara is a decent human being who doesn’t show up at people’s doors before nine.”

As to underline his words, they heard the doorbell, and Alfred abandoned the plates he was washing to go answer. Jason was curious and somewhat wary to meet Dick. He didn’t know Barbara well enough, admitting Tim was referring to Barbara Gordon, Jim’s daughter. Was she part of this whole vigilante business as well, here? How many of them were they?

He probably didn’t want to know the answer to this question.

He wondered if he should talk to Cassandra about where he could find her, in his world. She might not have a traumatic past, but then, she also might, and if Jason could help her earlier rather than later…

Chattering noise came from the corridor and, soon enough, Alfred introduced Dick and Barbara. She was definitely Jim Gordon’s, and also in a wheelchair, which shocked Jason slightly. He smiled with the ease of someone who raise funds regularly and therefore had to dwell in politics and got up to shook her hand, then Dick’s.

The latter raised his eyebrows, looking up at him. “Christ, you’re taller than our Jason. It’s Jason Wayne, right?”

“It is. And you must be the local Dick Grayson. I do hope our Dick, I mean, the one from my world, will grow quite that tall and handsome.”

“Most of them do,” Barbara intervened, accepting a cup of coffee from Alfred. “So you also have a little robin at home?”

“And Damian, too,” Jason admitted easily. “I’m afraid I didn’t know Tim and Cassandra until now.”

He didn’t like to give information like that, but felt much more relaxed after his exchange with Bruce the previous night. He wasn’t at home, he realized that much; but it wasn’t so far off that he needed to worry. Those people were worried that he was dangerous to their family. He could understand as much, and try to put their minds at ease.

“I used to live next door,” Tim offered.

“With the Drakes? Ah yes, now that I think about it, they do have a son. I don’t spend as much time as I’d like at the manor, much to Alfred’s distress. I’ve started to use the flat back in town, just not to drive back when my work day extended beyond reasonable hours. Of course, Alfred keeps telling me that I should get a drive…”

“That would be most sensible.”

“… But while I like providing jobs, I prefer them to be community oriented. The flat is perfectly serviceable, in any case.”

It felt weird to have this conversation with an Alfred who wasn’t the one he knew, and from the looks of the people around, seeing a Jason so comfortable in the manor weirded them out. Jason cleared his throat.

“Sorry. I got carried away.”

“It’s alright,” Dick said, conveying their shared feeling. “Just unusual.”

“That, I entirely agree,” Jason sighed, earning a fugitive smile from Barbara. “So what did you plan for today, apart from quizzing me?”

“Master Dick and Miss Gordon can do whatever they wish, but younger people have to go to school,” Alfred said, taking away the remaining plates from the table.

“I will tell Bruce that you called Wayne Entreprise ‘school’,” Tim commented, sounding amused, but he grabbed the suitcase he’s left on a chair and saluted everyone before heading out.

Damian, however, was harder to convince. “I already know all that stuff!”

“We went over that when you arrived,” Dick reminded him in a paternal tone. “You need to learn how to socialize with kids your age. Jon doesn’t count!”

Damian grumbled but allowed himself to be sent away. Jason was trying very hard not to laugh. He had the exact same conversation with Damian every morning when he was in a mood.

“Sounds familiar?” Dick sighed.

“Wish it wasn’t. I really should let Bruce handle it but he’s hardly ever at breakfast. Is he still sleeping, or already downstairs?” Jason asked, turning to Alfred.

“Still asleep, thankfully.”

“Did he tell you he was hurt? The stiches were done properly, but the dressing will have to be changed and he can’t do it himself,” Jason said, allowing his exasperation to show.

Alfred looked at him, then nodded, once. “Thank you for pointing it out, sir. I’ll make sure it’s taken care of.”

Jason nodded back, satisfied. Dick and Barbara were looking at him with a strange expression on their faces; he grimaced. “In my world, he’s my little brother. It’s hard to break the habit even here where he’s ten years older than me.”

“I’ve never seen anyone else than Alfred fuss over Bruce,” Dick said in an amused tone.

Barbara rolled her eyes. “I have. You, for one,” she added, pointing at Dick. “And Dr Thompson, of course.”

“People who knew him when he was a kid don’t count!” Dick protested.

“He is still a kid at twenty and, apparently, at thirty,” Jason grumbled.

That startled a laugh out of Dick. Jason relaxed. Whatever the day prepared for him, it would be fine.

[mybookje]

-Introduction- We all have to walk in this life from birth, youth, adulthood, to old age; though sometimes life gets cut off sooner as with the deaths of my baby in 1958 at 3 months old, to the suicide of my youngest, 19 year old son in 1999, who was bi-polar. We don’t know where that road will lead us when we start out. Some of us walk with the Lord as young children and never walk away from His word. While others may trust in their own judgment and have a harder time.  There are those that have an unteachable spirit, and continue to go around that mountain over and over again.  The road we take sometimes is full of bumps, pain, and suffering, and it is never straight and narrow, but full of potholes. The world now is violent, with all the shootings, and acts of global terrorism.  We need wisdom, on how to live and conduct ourselves as Christians for the world is watching us.  When we rely on our Savior and learn to trust HIM more than ourselves; it builds our faith walk in HIM. Without God to lead us down that road, it would be an impossible task to rely solely on self and man. In the endless pursuit of things that never satisfy, from riches to “toys”, our souls become dead and dissatisfied, empty and void.  The more you get the more you want, when in stark opposition, God just wants us to give our hearts to Him, as well as help Him, and all the things we were looking for, suddenly are unimportant and become nothing when the Holy Spirit fills us. As an artist and writer, one who worked for non profits, and state legislature young; I can only say to God, all right, here I am alone with you, Give birth to me and use me and my experiences for others; for I’m where He wants me to be at these times, alone with Him to create for you the reader, (now with a generation that doesn’t read and could benefit), my heart and how God does restore.  Refreshing the spirit to give HIM the glory.  I hope this book inspires those that read it, to look beyond their circumstances, and to HIM, for only God can provide the strength and faith to walk that Restoration Road.                                                                          Copyright original 2002                         In Memory William Brigham Ellery nee/Worthen                                                         4-9-80    - 10-                                    Born again 8/2/91                                                                                                  Forward I watched many years back on C-Span a meeting of women at Harvard University speaking on women and international freedom.  I listened as then, host Swanee Hunt spoke of Croatia and An old woman named Sophia, who’s job it had been to ring the town’s church bell.  When the soldiers came in, they shot at the church and shot the bell down and it lay on its side.  But, everyday this woman still grabbed the ringer and pulled its heavy weight to still ring this bell. She saw it as a symbol, not to focus on our own circumstances, and to have “victim” thinking, but to rise above it, as ALL Christians and conservatives must do now in American lest we lose our Freedoms!   Before my son died October 31, 1999, I thought I had already gone through all the pain and Suffering there was to endure. I was so wrong.  We never know what lies ahead and as I begin This book, my healing is still in process.  I had seen my first baby die when I was only 19, of SID when she was 3 months old. I endured battered women’s syndrome, divorces, abuse, desertion, the deaths of my parents, and survived an apartment fire, when this son of mine was only 9 months old.  I survived an finally found answers to my own suicide attempts when in my early 30’s to find I had Personality/anxiety disorder (ie post traumatic stress syndrome to battered women’s).  Then went through all my son’s 19 years of depression after puberty hit, with misdiagnosed Adhd, and hypomania depression with bi-polar disorder to end in his suicide in 1999. (Not to mention I went through cancer twice.) Through it all I had to face estrangement from some family members, friends that rammed, instead of showing compassion, and I suffered a mini stroke on top of it all.  Others I thought were my Christian friends and baby sat my son young, never even sent a card, never mind go to his funeral.  And THAT really hurt.  Did I want to give up? Does life sometimes seem so unfair that we get angry at God? What about all the families that have suffered in our attack on America 9/11 with terrorism. How many actually blamed Him? Are we being judged? I enclose this poem in my last book that one of my sons counselor’s sent me.  I value this and Hope it blesses.:    I ask God for strength    And God gave me difficulties to make me strong.    I ask God for wisdom…    And God gave me problems to solve.    I ask for prosperity…    And God gave ne brain and brawn to work.    I asked for courage..    And God gave me danger to overcome.    I asked for love….                                                                               And God gave me troubled people to help.                                                                         I asked for favors….     And God gave me opportunities.     I received NOTHING I wanted…     I received everything I needed! “May your path be bright and full of light everywhere you go. And, I pray your feet will never stumble out of God’s plan.  May the desires of your heart come true, and may you experience peace in everything you do.  May goodness, kindness, and mercy come your way. And, may you gain wisdom and grow in the Lord everyday.”  Author unknown. I heard a teaching on Luke 10:25-37.  Love is not love until it is given away. Family sometimes “say” they “love” you...But…There is always a “BUT”…and it’s estrangement, and sometimes Unsaved it is still with emotional abuse.  So, I hope and pray this book enlightens.  Because you Cannot “love” someone without showing it. The old adage that “actions speak louder than words, Applies.  Love is to BE given away.   That is Jesus love.  The agape’ love of compassion that HE had.  God is love.  Compassion moves you.  In verse 33 the Samaritan was moved in passion.  (Not selfishness…not self centeredness.)  We put on blinders, excuses to “other’s” needs where God could manifest himself in your life.  People may “love” you in their own way, from a distance, but, is that love manifested? No. They put on blinders.  Only Jesus can break through a hardened heart.  Like the woman with the bell.  She moved with compassion and stirred up the people even after death and destruction all around her,  Someone said once, “In a dictatorship people suffer without complaining.  In a democracy (Republic) people complain without suffering.”  When Christ died on that Cross at Calvary for our sins, self died too.  To follow Him is to deny “self”. I’ve heard all the excuses, that “I’m too busy, my kids are my priority, I’m working, can’t give you what you need…all excuses.  I’m sure that there are many of you who may read this that have unsaved and/or dysfunctional families and I’m sure many whose loved ones don’t have a clue to our Christian walk.  But, the Lord enabled me to be not only a survivor (never a victim), but, an overcomer! He and HE alone has walked me through all the tragedies in my life. Failure, I’d heard if refusal to get up one more time, and I know that I know God isn’t finished with me yet. I have never escaped the fire.  I had to go THROUGH it, as did Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in Daniel. They were thrown into the fiery furnace seven times hotter than ordinary. Their faith was tested as mine over and over. And they stood the test, cause Jesus was the 4th man in that furnace! Here they were in Babylon with the great hanging gardens which King Nebuchadnezzar created…the walls, as a fortress.  When he made himself King, he had a huge Golden image of himself made, 100 feet high.  Everyone was ordered to bow and chant how great he was acknowledging him as a god.  Shortly after these men arrived and saw their blood                                                              froze in their veins, but remained standing.  They did not bow down to a false God.  Rather witnessed the Lord to the King.  “Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.” Exodus 20:3. Then the king threw them into the fiery furnace.  They not only stood the test, but the fourth Jesus, appeared in the furnace with them.  Alleluia!  He not only subdued the crackling Flames, but, they all came out unharmed! America and our overwhelming compassion and attacks on tv as our lives furnaces are very real. It is anything that comes to destroy our lives, sickness, unemployment temptation, to sin, as well as tests and unhealed relationships including families that have dysfunctions, and now our war on terror, not to mention the media frenzy on this President.  When the fire rages, we have decisions to make.  We can compromise by getting so discouraged and giving in and giving up and throw aside our hope, letting the devil have his way, or we can believe that God has the power to help us.  We are now a country under siege, and we HAVE to come together.  This is the hour in these end times, that God is calling upon us to choose the way of faith to stand tall before HIM. Some, can’t understand that God always is the final judge.  Peter said to count it all glory. Satan Wants to destroy and he wants us to hate one another, while God allows pain to use us, and he cannot use a vessel that is not a witness for HIM.  I am HIS property.  And he has shown me so many things over the years.  This book, my lessons learned, my pain, my joys, and my hope in a future, is for all of you who read, as we never know what God will put in our path.  An act of nature can destroy a home, as our World Trade towers. A child in this day of violence can be shot dead in a school supposedly safe, EVEN Christians. We never know whether it may be our last day on earth and should live accordingly.  When you fail to forgive you destroy the very bridge of which someday you may have to cross.  My prayer that all families, races and churches, restore, and stop the hate…my walk, my “Restoration Road.”                                                                                                                    Chapter 1                         Salvation And Its Misconceptions When I was a  child growing up, I was brought up in a Congregational conventional church. My dad with his powerful strong, operatic tenor voice, always sung solos for Christmas and Easter and all other special occasions.  By the time I was a teenager, I was teaching Sunday school.  As I recall, now, I wonder just what I was taught, because I knew absolutely nothing, really, about the Bible. I was not saved, nor was it taught. Salvation I believe, comes from a longing, a need, a hunger for something or someone else to be our rock, our fortress. A supernatural power with the promise of eternal life, we all need. We all want love, acceptance, and someone to care about us.  Unfortunately, in our lives we cannot always depend on family, or one another.  It sometimes just doesn’t work out that way. It took me many years of floundering trying to do things in the natural and “self” to finally Understand. I remember seeing preachers on tv after crumbled marriages, and my father’s death.  I watched one evangelist and didn’t know one iota of what he was preaching about.  I only knew that by that time I felt alone (with a 2 year old) and needed desperately.  Whatever this man had, his faith, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, I wanted it all.  When he prayed that salvation message over the tv screen, I went down on my knees and accepted Christ as my savior. Later, when my daughter lay in a hospital after an accident, I saw him up in Portland, Maine, and received prayer and confirmation.  From then on, I was born again; and my life began again…new..and in Jesus! Not long after God opened up a church for me where I stayed for 16 years, learning, absorbing like a sponge. Jesus Christ lived for thirty years as a young man who was a carpenter, Rabbi, later.  At the end of his 30 years, He was called by God to start his public ministry.  He was baptized in the Holy Spirit and fasted 40 days. By the time of the Last Supper, when he went to the Mount of Olives in the Garden of Gethsemane, he was about to pay a horrible, agonizing price. The magnitude of that price was horrific.  When he prayed in Matthew 26:39m “Father, if it is Possible take this cup away from me.  But, I want YOUR will not mine. He knew that he would have to suffer a tremendous physical price. The many beatings followed by horrible. Agonizing death by crucifixion. Even worse, he knew the price that had to be paid in the spiritual realm. Jesus, who had never sinned, knew that he had to actually become sin in order to pay the price For our sins. “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in HIM we might become The righteousness of God.” II Corinthians 5:21. His was so great that He actually sweat blood.  His blood vessels broke and blood was excreted through his sweat glands.  God sent an angel to strengthen him.  “Then an angel from Heaven appeared and strengthened him, for he was in such agony of spirit that he broke into a sweat of blood, with great drops falling to the ground as he prayed more and more earnestly. Luke 22:43-                                                                       44.  No one preaches the BLOOD anymore. The BLOOD SHED AT THE CROSS! Jesus life was sacrificed as the last blood offering. Somehow, the impact of that hit me even harder with my son’s suicide.  My wrongful death suit is not for any other reason (as I go into later), his life too, in misunderstandings was sacrificed unnecessarily I believe with all my heart.  And his blood cried out for justice and vindication from the grave.  Those that have murdered, like the Ramsey girl way back, or those in violent terrorist attacks around the world in here, or lives lost on the battlefield.  Their blood cries out from the grave.  Because as I state later, death is not cheap with God! We do not have a right to complain over our circumstances and wallow in self after we have become saved.  Jesus paid such a price for our sins.  He died that we might live and live in HIM. None of us will ever be perfect as He in this lifetime; we all come short. But, we have no right to take our salvation so lightly.  When we are saved, we must lose self. It thereafter, “THINE WILL be done.”  The Lord’s prayer, not ours. If God is love, then WHY does he love us?  Because He IS love, He cannot keep from loving us. (Harder by far when WE try with our own estrangements isn’t it?)  He will love us no matter what.  Will we? None of us, in all our sins, and problems are alien to Him…and that included my 19 year old suicidal son…JUST as much as my other 3 children (2 daughters saved maybe…and a son bound in addictions).  He knew them ALL in my womb…my BJ, bipolar and all…my Evy, when you were in my womb 5 mos pregnant and your father threw me out of a car and I lay there bleeding.  When I consciously, unsaved that night and conceived my son, at 39 years old, asked God, “am I doing the right thing?”  HE knew right then and there all the problems that we would eventually face with his illness.  And He knew from whence all the abuses handed down to my oldest as well, that Greek heritage, I was married into in the 1960’s, and all the estrangements and vie from control, hates, thereafter….. I believe God wants the best for us because he loves us so much. I also believe that part of my young daughter’s problems were because she chose to stay as a teenager in that abuse, with her father, brother on drugs, to have failed marriages too. Because of her rejections, she stayed in that house of generational curses, AND inherited and still living in it even saved, not delivered! She was taught all that inbred controlling behavior all her life. Whereby, it is hard for women especially, that come out of all this, to accept a loving God as their father.  If you haven’t known a real earthly father, then you put on a block of resistance to the magnitude of our Heavenly Father.  I think this is where a lot of churches fail in ministering to these people.  I jus pray that one day this revelation starts getting taught. Thank God I had an earthly loving father, and I was the apple of my daddy’s eye.  It was easier for me, and I fought young, even in attempted feminism and unsaved, not to have “victim” thinking.”  Poor me, me, me, me…the world owes me, take take take, wallow in self pity. I’ve seen it over and over including with a dear friend that went through violent physical abuse in her marriage.  But she knew her Bible.  But, these women are sometimes unable to trust again.                                                                               I implore pastors to show more compassion for women who have gone through abusive relationships, for you know not what it has done to them.  And many now have no compassion, with churches  floating a new gospel, (like A W Tozer’s, the Old Cross and the New.”  It’s a gospel without judgments and consequences. Go to church on Sunday, back in the world on Monday.  It doesn’t work that way!  Self esteem comes not just through the counseling process, but the enveloping compassion and joy of Jesus Christ, and all he did shedding His blood at the Cross for our sins.   Have you ever had anyone purposely stab you in the back?  That friend perhaps, an employer, a fellow employee, or a divorced spouse, or even those from church?  Once you may have really felt a kinship to this person and trusted him/her.  Or this spouse that is now estranged and stabbing you in the back seeing other women/men.  When the kids are involved, he backstabs or the new mate does, using you as a pawn.  My Greek ex-husband did that to me, and so did his mother, with my children in the middle.  They can’t sit down in the spirit of Christ and work out their disagreements.  But, it’s impossible to be truly holy without honoring our Lord’s command that we must love one another.  If you are truly saved, and love God with all your heart, then you must love your neighbor as yourself…AND family.  Matthew 22:37-40 “If a man say, I love God and hates his brother (mother, etc.) he is a liar; for he that loves not who he has seen , how can he love God whom he has not seen?”It is difficult, therefore, to love others if we don’t love ourselves.       As one once said on love, it isn’t true unless it is given away. Also one step further, if we don’t love ourselves, we can’t give it away what we don’t have.  We need to balance that area of self and giving of self.  If you can’t learn to love yourself as God loves you, how do you expect others to love you? Have you known people that constantly need other’s around them? Never can be alone? And when they are, they have to have on loud music or the tv, and cannot take silence?  How can God minister to anyone without that real silence? They hate themselves, and can’t face Themselves.  Therefore, they need “props” all around them.  We as Christians, shouldn’t need props around us, as someone preached once, it isn’t by hoopla and noise…SOUNDING BRASS, but, through our SPIRIT…GOLD…in silence that the still small voice of God, speaks to us. It is through scripture, hearing the word, reading the word, in meditation and prayer alone in our prayer closet that He speaks to us.  We can’t make other’s feel good about themselves, if we don’t “get it”. Loving and obeying demands some “suffering in the flesh”. That is why so many today are waxing (growing) cold.  Matthew 24:12 Cold love is words without action.  Words are easy, but action requires a sacrifice.  Remember hearing, “Talk is cheap?” Well love is expensive if given away.  True love costs something.  I loved this son I lost and I believe I learned through BJ, just how unconditionally God loves us.  There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for this young man. If that’s how I felt, and how I spent so many years in courts, with psychiatrists, doctors, trying To find answers and a diagnosis, all devoted to him and nothing helped.  And that magnitude of how much God loved me and loved my son, to take him Home, became a reality.  What I did all those years was nothing compared to the magnitude of love HE has for us. (I did nothing to                                                                 deserve His love, but, I had to trust him.) When He allowed my son to come home, Jesus had the keys, and He will with me now too, and will with my other three children as well. By doing for others, it is a manifestation of the fruits of goodness.  Love edifies and encourages People instead of tearing down.  I Corinthians 13, the fruits of the spirit.  Love is patient love is kind, not puffed up.  Charity suffers long and envies not, and never fails.  Then it says in verse 11, “when I was a child I spake as a child, but, when I became a man, I put away childish things. “Ecclesiastes 3 says, “all of youth is vanity.” If we are growing in Christ and have been saved for a time, then the things of the past are vanity…for we are nothing, and have nothing if we don’t have Jesus kind of love.  Our relationships with others and God are all interconnected.  And if, saved, we still cannot love each other, if there is a conscious intentional effort to avoid and hurt another person, then God’s love is not manifested in your lives.   Satan wants cold love.  He doesn’t want us to love anybody especially our family or family of God.  You don’t tell your members in your church to “shun” someone that left. That is control and manipulation, and fear. (Abuse)! That is not of God.  A door should always be open for those who want to return.  I implore you all to allow God to make you a blessing to others. There seems to be a selfishness today, especially I noticed with baby boomers or (snowflakes), and the only way to overcome that is Jesus.  Today’s youth can’t cook from scratch, most illiterate, and can’t or won’t read.  Girls don’t even know how to hem or thread a needle. They don’t know how to work themselves up in the workplace and build a resume, or ask questions and pick the brain I used to say, of someone more intelligent.  All they know how to do is get out an protest. That is NOT the God I serve! I’m implore you to read, learn history, world history..proper English and math.   Never stop learning.  There is nothing in our past that God can’t mediate and heal.  But, that healing can’t be mended when those in leadership or friends are too proud they can’t take correction themselves and are so full of arrogance and pride all they do is inflict pain. If you prove something by scriptures, you should be humble enough to apologize for Jesus said, in Matthew, unless you forgive your brother/sister, our Father in Heaven won’t forgive you! You cannot hold yourself above reproach.  The truth’s ALWAYS gets found out! All you have to do is look at Washington. Some that are Christians too, are so afraid to witness the Lord to the lost, maybe these tests will Help some of you that need to witness to your own families or friends, those you may work with. “Not today.’  Why not? What better thing could you possible have to do?  AND you WILL be accountable to God one day, standing on that judgment seat, what will your excuse be?  Joshua 24:15 says, “Choose you THIS day.” I Kings 18:21 says, “How long hath thee?”  Proverbs says, “Boast not thyself of tomorrow.” Isaiah 55:6 says, “While he may be found.” .Matthew 24:44 “in such an hour as ye think not.” Luke 12:19-20 “Thou fool.” Acts 22:16 says “Now why tarriest thou?” And II Corinthians says “Now is the accepted time.” In other words, if your equipped with the right verses, you can lead the lost to the Lord.  Love and compassion covers a multitude of sins. Another excuse is “it’s too late.”  Ezekiel 33:19 says, “If the wicked turn, he shall live. Matthew 20: 6 says “Why stand ye her all the day idle?” John 3:3 says, “Unless a man be born again he                                                                             will not enter the Kingdom of God.” Romans 10:13 says, “Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord , shall be saved.”  Many preachers still do not even preach salvation.  Hard to believe in this age of Evangelical tv.     I pray that they wake up and get convicted.  God, they must see the error of their ways. You can’t control another person and take away their freedom…nor freedom to form Their own discernment and thinking. For Jesus is a heart matter, from the Holy Spirit, not legalism.  No one can rule over another adults life, that is abuse, even doctrines or legalism in churches (the House of God).  That is why so many church hop. That is why there is so much hesitation in reaching people to come to salvation.  God is love. Salvation should be freedom from past and freedom to pray, and love God as HE (through the Holy Spirit) gives us direction.  I am me, as GOD created me…faults and all. Just as He knew my son in His image, bi-polar, ADD, this chemical imbalance in the brain.  He knew my son in my womb and every hair on his head. HE created my BJ, and loved him as he does you and me.  I am saying that for this: I am me an I am not a clone. I think meditate, have opinions, ideas, went through tests and trials, hardships, that others could never imagine or experience,  But, I am me, and entitled to my own voice and opinions, intelligence, and not be denigrated, or write books that are not censored, both as a human being;  my First Amendment Rights to free speech, and as a woman , mother, and Christian that wants to voice my experiences and injustices. I am not a little clone to be someone’s doormat, I am as God created.  And he did not let me go through all I did to sit back and do nothing, but, what HE puts in my heart. In Matthew 22:32 Jesus said, “I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob  God is not the of the dead, but the living.  But it didn’t say not to pray for a soul who died. 22:29-30 says, “Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God.  For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as Angels of God in Heaven.  (Our new glorified bodies in Christ.) But, it doesn’t say not to pray. The Bible further states in I Peter 4:4-6 when Pete said this, “Wherein they think it strange That ye run not with them to the same excess of riot, speaking evil of you. Who shall give account to him that is ready to him who is ready to judge the quick and the dead.  For this Cause was the gospel preached ALSO to them that ARE dead…that they might be judged According to men in the flesh, but live accordingly to God in the spirit.” And verse 8 says “And above all things have fervent Charity among yourselves, for charity shall cover the Multitude of sins.” WHAT ever happened to charity?  Some of us Christians have become the most offensive spiritual bigmouths of all time. Uncharitable, insensitive people bent on their own agenda, not the Gospel of Christ!  God and only God is the final judge on whether a persons soul gets to Heaven.  IE C.S. Lewis’s book “Mere Christianity” on how does God judge us.  If we catch them on the way out and they accept salvation or if we pray for their soul as firemen sometimes do. It is not up to us to judge. In time of tragedy when someone cries out “God save me,” I believe HE answers just as the thief on the Cross next to Jesus! He is still a God of Love, Mercy, AND Grace!                                                                         How many of us can sing praises through our troubles or persecutions? But, that is what we are told to do.  That’s hard.  I could finally “say” praises to God after my son’s death, but, sing?  It took me three years of healing and a mini stroke. Salvation and coming to the Lord is the easy part.  If you are ready.  If you in some cases as I did, came to the end of yourself.  And my precious son and baby girl, I know are both home with Jesus.  I will utter a prayer of thanksgiving, until God takes me home.  The walk isn’t easy. No one said it was going be all perfect once we got saved.  It is not happy clappy, all is well, as He is not a Santa Clause as God will allow tests an trials to build our faith, to mold us like clay in HIS image.  Without true repentance at that Cross it is just works.  A cold heart produces cold prayer.  A warm heart produce’s a prayer of compassion.  Holy Ghost prayer..and tongues is the secret language between you and God that the devil cannot decipher.   Revelations 4:15-16 “I know thy works, I’d rather ye be cold or hot, for if you are lukewarm I will spue thee out of my mouth.”  That means lost salvation, and divine retribution, period the end.                                                                    Salvation Prayer Dear Lord Jesus, I know realize I am a sinner.  I ask you Lord for forgiveness and truly repent of my past.  I accept the fact that you died on that Cross for my sins. You shed your blood on the Cross for the sins of mankind because you love me and this world so much.  I now open my heart’s door and receive you as Lord and Savior of my life. Please take full control of me and help me to be the kind of Christian you want me to be.  I ask this all in our name Father God, and that you’ll lead me in a church that you want me to be.  I love you Jesus.  Thank you Amen. If you truly prayed and repented, meant this with all your heart, you are saved.  It isn’t religion, or a church, but a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  I pray the rest of this helps your walk. If this woman can still survive in faith,  so can you.  God loves you and so do I.                                        Winter The birds are beginning to hover on window feeders, My woodpecker family on suet so needed. The small finches and all other birds as well, Along with fall leaves, so many colors that fell. Rain storms are beginning with high cold winds, Tell us that a long winter is about to begin. Shorter days will ensue with longer nights, Listening to storms filled with snow and ice. Winter now is around the corner. Getting harder in age as we still wander, In arthritis, bones creek with the cold. Running our errands, winters’ become so bold, The solstice so beautiful with fresh fallen snow, Another winter to go through as we get old. Remembrance of families on Christmas and holidays, Of happier days when there was laughter and love,                                                                           You learn to accept the things you cannot change, The long winter’s just cannot be feigned. So now in age, you find peace and contentment,                                                                     The past behind, a winter anew without resentment. Even my cats have now matured and got older. Hardly intrigued by the birds as it gets colder. Winter now is tranquil and beautiful to watch, The anxieties of youth, gratefully, forever lost.                       J Worthen 2001                                                                                   CHAPTER 2                  Growing in God I’d like to speak on grace.  Presumably you have become saved, whereby, it is on that premise that I continue. There are only two ways a believer can establish or strengthen his heart by grace or works.  For a new Christian just recently saved, they have not naturally had the teachings that many of us have had after being saved 5-20+ years.  So we refer to these new Christians as baby Christians, still on milk.  When they have walked in the Lord for some time, and received “with a humble spirit” the teachings of Christ, we say they are now on “meat”. “Meats” refers to the sacrificial offerings which the priests ate.  Hebrews 13:9. “For it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace, not with meats, which have not profited them that have been occupied therein.”  They had no right to eat that which was served in the tabernacle.  The Jewish Christians who were the first recipients of the epistle understood the Hebraism, of “meats” to refer to the ceremonial rituals, etc. of Levitical law.  In short, they understood “meats” to mean “works”. But then it goes on to say that it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace. Hebrews makes it clear that good woks does not get you into Heaven; which maybe as a “works mentality”, because God still requires “good works”. Ephesians 2:10 which result from His working THROUGH His people.  Two things to notice about legalistic works or “dead” works in Hebrews 6:1, 9-14 are that works do not profit and works occupy.  So when we are a work-a-holic or always have an excuse, “I don’t have time”?  It is dead works by self..and, self-imposed or it is works by grace and the power of God?  Do we let God lead us through His Holy Spirit and His Work, or are we always still in the “world” doing our own thing in self? Are we serving? Or are we being served? I’ve heard pastors say over and over how we must be open and be a servant of God.  We all have Certain gifts and we all can be used in some way for our church.  If you are saved and not active in a church, or church hopping all over the place finding fault, never grounded, then God is not Manifesting himself in your life and there is something wrong in your spirit not to receive His Grace and mercy. Something is wrong. Legalism is a futile effort.  They have such misguided regulations which have never proven useful and place so much dependence on doing this “this” way or faultfinding, etc. that they get no benefit. A works mentality does not promote true godliness.  It is bound in legalism and law, and produces an unloving Christian, that becomes judgmental and harsh.  It is man’s attempts to BE like God.  It doesn’t work. It stops grace an mercy from manifesting and brings on a critical                                                                 Spirit.  We can try, though out OWN law of works, self-efforts, or various exercises to fulfill through human ability the righteousness of God’s word in our lives.  Maybe we start out in Earnest, but our means of going about it are all wrong.  There is no grace with law. We’ve all sooner or later been around Christians that are always complaining and have such a critical spirit.  I was guilty of this and had to overcome in my early walk too.  We get spoiled I heard say.  We run to all the big evangelists when they come into town, and different churches when they have a guest, then come back with our comparisons and fault find our own church. That is not to say we shouldn’t reach out and visit like this, but we need balance.   That goes back to milk and a preaching I heard once on the development of the child of God.  A New “baby” Christian cannot possibly be in their walk with the Lord and knowledge, where someone is that has been saved 20-40 years.  We all receive and get through the Holy Spirit speaking to us, something different in the same sermon preached.   Because of MY circumstances, I  may have something “click” and minister to me totally, totally different from my neighbor.  We both sit in the same row, listen to the same words, and get two different messages to work on our hearts.  That is the development of the child of God.  I may actually even get the whole message.  I mean sometimes I really “get it”. That is a breakthrough, but not all of us are blessed that way.  If there are new Christians that are not yet that deep in the Lord and prayer, then they cannot be expected to receive as we do, but with the Gods grace and mercy, if we are careful not to alienate them and turn them away by our critical judgments, they, one day will have it click and understand. Remember if you read your Bible before you were saved?  Did it register?  It sure didn’t when I was a  teenager teaching Sunday School.  It was dead works…legalism.  When I got saved I remember being so new in Christ.  I wanted it all so fast. It doesn’t work that way and is a long process, as our EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT lets God work IN us and THROUGH us. And if by grace, then it is no more works. Romans 11:6 If we mix grace and works it is like comparing water and oil than through law.  And Christ would have died on that Cross in vain. If right living comes by “self” then He lives needlessly inside you and you give credit to your own righteousness.  We begin our Christ by grace and His mercy that loved us, and it should continue on in our walk through God and the Holy Spirit in our lives in love.  If He loved us so deeply to take all He did, then why can’t we learn to be humble and receive His love and grace, to then let go of that love and give in return.  For THAT’s what its all about.  The love we receive is nothing unless we give it away. Grace strengthens us.  Although the law was holy, coming from God, it was weak through human nature and our sinfulness.  Romans 8:3.  For what the law could not do, weak as it was through the “flesh”, God gave law as a teacher to show us how to fail, then when we do fail (and through self, there is ALWAYS failure) we come to the cross in despair or even give up all together because our pride or ego is injured.  We can come back to Him again and again admitting our powerlessness and find He offers us rest.  Matthew 11:28-30 “Come unto me all ye who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my                                                                     burden is light.”  Isn’t that something?  All our struggles in the natural? For what?  Self? All self, stress, let go and let God.  Give it all to Him.  He already paid the price.  I have.  For I can do nothing on my own in the natural including saving my own son from suicide in spite of all I did.  God has a divine plan, and sometimes it may not be what we expect. If we try to obey God by legalism and self we will find how weak our strength really is. Like Peter (Greek: rock) we can pledge our undying loyalty, but like Simon (Aramaic: reed) we too, will bend when pressured.  But, for all those that got bent, Peter’s final words to us are “But grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  To Him be glory both now and forever.  Amen. 2nd Peter 3:18  We grow in grace as we turn from flesh and self and die in Jesus and surrender to Him.  What can be more beautiful than to be freshened and have our hearts strengthened by our Savior and all His grace. We live in a violent, sick world.  Not just the media, and all the shootings past and present, wars and rumors of wars, threats, now transgender ID , psychic books invading our schools. So much out there to ignite sensuality, hatreds even in ads. We are generally aware that sins are to be avoided.  Lust refers to any natural human desires, which are expressed or used from food, prestige, money, sex, hates; all that is worldly.  (IJohn 2:26)  Any human appetite, can become infected, with lust, even the power of our media.  I is even common to lust for a ministry.  And there are a lot of evangelists that came short and lusted for money and power.  America and the world now, is greedy, not only sex crazed, but hungry for power and control.  What makes it worse, is that same lust and greed can infiltrate churches. Whereby, James 1:14 said, “But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away by his own lust and enticed.  This is why Jesus in overcoming temptation to avoid the Cross, prayed, “Not my Will but THINE will be done.”  Luke 22:42.   For he told the disciples a short while earlier, to pray, that ye enter not into temptation.  Matthew 26:41 In other words just because you are a Christian and accepted Jesus as your Savior, don’t think that you cannot be enticed into temptation.  I Corinthians 6:13 says, “Now the body is not for lust but for the Lord.”  Interfering I believe that our bodies can only be used for one or the other, not for both.  If our bodies are a temple of God for him to refill the Holy Spirit, then we should pray in earnest, even though we slip once in awhile, to keep our bodies only for Him and how Hell manifest’s through us.  If a Christian has fallen prey to sexual lust grace can restore (Proverbs 6:25-27).  But those who have, have gone through a long process.   After my son died, I wrote a poem called “Something”.  I’d since retitled it to “Salvation” because this was in essence what salvation, grace, and mercy were all about…it was unseen. God was sight unseen, yet I got down enough to know His presence was there waiting. His love was always there, I just didn’t know it.                                                                                               SALVATION Something always spoke to me, Something always loved me, Something needed me…so Much I didn’t know. Somehow He spoke His love, Somehow He drew me in, Someone who doubted so. How He loved, I didn’t know, I didn’t know. God, you gave it all to me, Your love, your heart, Our very destiny. God, I need and love you so. Something, I had arise in me, Something salvations pull on me, Something, I’ll always thank you for, No matter what, I’ll love you so.                        J E Worthen 2000 Just remember humility came hard for me.  But it sets us free!  And let me tell you, I was and still am tested.   That middle ground and line where we leave off and where God takes over. God’s word tells us to do the best we can in the natural and STAND firmly on the word and faith in the Supernatural.  Ephesians 6:13 He doesn’t say to lay in bed all day and say, I’ll just stay here praying and believing and God will do it all.. Wrong!  He wants a doer of the word, not one who is idle.   We have to take some action for it to manifest.  That phone isn’t going to ring for a job if you don’t take some action.  Action is motivation.  It is also balance. And we need to stop having high opinions of ourselves.  Yet, on the other hand God doesn’t want us to be inferior.  Balance in all things.  If we yield continually by studying and meditating on God’s word, He will show us what to do, through the Holy Spirit.  One day I’ll have my new glorified body in Christ and walk streets of gold. Amen….Don’t stop believing!                            Balance The older I get, the more I seek balance, As there are so many ups and downs in life’s challenge. When the stresses really start to affect you, You need to take time to reflect what you know, If with lack of rest, you become sick and depressed, Then you need to cut back, seek balance and refresh. In all things now this balance I seek, Even in news, and media from what they speak; For out of context, even churches misguide, But that balance, so important helps us surmise, Truth from misgivings, lies, and sensationalism, But, with balance and discernment, comes truth and     rationalism. Balance in all things important decisions is needed, For emotional health, peace of mind won’t come lest     it’s heeded.                                     J Worthen 2001 For sometimes too, God holds back because our prayers involve another person.  Maybe OUR plans and prayers are different than God’s.  Maybe our prayers could have irreparable harm for another if we had our way.  We don’t know God’s reasoning.  Farmers know that they shouldn’t reap a harvest until the harvest is ready.  God knows when the harvest is ready and “when the fruit is brought forth, immediately he puts the sickle in because the harvest is come. “Mark 4:29. “He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.  Whatever He does prospers.”  Psalm 1:1-3. I believe God wants us to do the best we can sometimes under unmitigating circumstances, one day at a time and then let go and let Him take over the rest of the day plus all the tomorrows.  He wants us to shut the door to the past and problems of yesterday and the problems of tomorrow and walk with Him one day at a time, step by step.  There is no reason to be afraid of the future, when we know WHO holds the keys for the future.  Only Jesus knew that night that I made a decision to have my son, that he would end up with an illness that would take his life at only 19. Jesus knew when I asked unsaved, and He already had the answers.  We can do in the natural on our own, or we can seek.  I wasn’t saved and didn’t seek before  I lept.  But, would I have done it all again, yes, fr this boy taught me so much, I wouldn’t have missed a day of all his problems and needs, the bi-polar, for anything. God gave me my prayer…my other children, then on their own with their father of their own volition.  My BJ was Jesus property all along and only on lone to me.  When it got too much with too much pain inside this boy, God let him come home.  I don’t know if this death was God’s timetable.  It didn’t have to be. No, there were errors made by the mental health agency. Laws I didn’t know on getting custody in probate, when he was legally an adult.  Not til I met a lawyer friend when I’d won a lawsuit. But, what was the alternative?  If he wouldn’t stay on medication for the rest of his life, he’d been in and out of mental health and hospitals, as he knew too he carried the gene. He couldn’t take it anymore and came to the end of himself.  I knew BJ…In spite of all he went into, I know he cried out to the Jesus that gave him love and happiness as a child.  I know he screamed to God up there in the woods before this horrific act.  And I know my God is a God of mercy and forgiveness. Yes, I believe that God wants us to prosper in His love for us. But, then there are tragedies that occur in this life from wars, to fires and devastation, storms, shooting rampages. Christians too, Get attacked and it isn’t always as I heard before because there is sin in our lives.  The faith that Prevailed after Columbine was a witness to the world for Jesus Christ.  So I do not believe that Just because we come to the Lord, we will escape troubled things happening to us.  I don’t believe that God was punishing me when He let my son go Home.  My son made his own decision in a debilitative state of paranoia and needed help that wasn’t there. Samuel Wesley and his wife Susanna were in a marriage that was a power struggle.  She did Remain loyal until death though.  Although a woman of great natural beauty, she focused her energy on becoming a woman of deep inner beauty. (1Peter 3:1-4) While Samuel was a true Intellectual, he never slacked in scholarly study and writing.  We can diminish pain (as I had no choice to do) through creative expression.  Their home became a center of encouragement.  Life for the Wesley’s was never easy, but, it was worthwhile.  He wrote, “Though man is born to trouble, yet I believe there is scarce a man to be found upon earth but, take the whole course of his life, hath more mercies than afflictions and much more pleasure than pain.” Francis Schaeffer had begun a long search for true Christianity.  The more he tried to talk to God about the emptiness he saw in the church and in his own heart, the more discouraged he became. He searched scriptures and found no joy or peace.  He and his wife lived with severe grief and conflicts within their denomination.  They were targets along with Carl McIntire of criticism and Slander.  They experienced crisis, eviction, their two year old son’s bout with polio, a daughter With rheumatic fever.  They knew the white heat of the furnace of affliction.  He fought valiantly Against the true enemy, Satan.  He began L’Abri Fellowship in Switzerland, and wrote “True Spirituality”, and others. Rev. James Kennedy had the Christian Manefesto by Shaffer reprinted. Observers of the early Christian church commented, “see how they love one another.”  Since then the world had looked at Christians and said, “See how the hate one another.”  That is not the answer to Jesus prayer.  John 17:21.  “What desires drive us to crush our brothers and sisters in Christ?  For some the motivation is greed, ambition, or envy.  For others it is the burning desire to be right in the authoritarian sense; to have the final word.  Whereby, sorrow comes when we try to do God’s pruning FOR Him.  Sorrow should fill our hearts when we grieve the Holy Spirit by dividing the body of Christ.  Ephesians 4:30.  We should try to do battle with the real enemy, Satan.  Allow the Holy Spirit to fill us with love and aim for perfection as Shaeffer did. Then look at Charles Spurgeon, who was an immensely popular Baptist preacher, who suffered into the pits of anguish and depression, and tragedies.  The name Jesus was his strong tower of safety.  Two weeks after a fateful disaster in Surrey Music Hall in November 1856, he was back in the pulpit preaching.  Philippians 2:9 was the text that ended his depression.  He was plagued the rest of his ministry by depression, discouragement, illness and fatigue.  His wife had become a semi-invalid at 36, but, he never let go the promises that God’s grace was sufficient for him.  He fluctuated between periods of depression always preceded by fresh visitations of God’s power.  He said, “Oh, the blessedness that comes to us through suffering.”  Death claimed Spurgeon at age 57.  He published more than 3500 sermons, written 136 books, and pastored London Metropolitan Tabernacle for 38 years.  During that time his congregation grew to more than 14,000 members, as he tried to prepare Christians for dark moments.  We don’t do that now, as we throw those in a down period further down, by professing tht all is “without sorrow”. And that just is not a reality of life.  Spurgeon assured them of Christ’s love, the man of sorrows, knew how they felt when their hearts were breaking…that the Savior would bend to catch his children’s falling tears.  Through our suffering, it teaches us compassion for others.  Our pain may actually prepare us for a particular mission God has planned for us.  No matter what your emotions say, do not give up! Now, Fanny Crosby. Does the name mean anything?  Her heart ached at the death of her baby. What can’t be cured can be endured.  All she wanted was to be a wife and mother.  Her heart was hungry for love.  Teaching wasn’t enough, neither was being the schools famed “blind poetress.” She grieved over the South’s insurrection too, lives wasted.  At 43, it was ridiculous in those days to think of another child, as they didn’t have all our technology.  She pondered her life.  Even her poetry left her unfulfilled.  At that point she was introduced to William B. Bradbury. They discussed collaborating.  Fanny wanted to dance for joy.  For the next fifty one years, Fanny Crosby knew beyond a doubt what she was living for.  During that time she wrote approximately 4,000 hymns, including Blessed Endurance, and those expressing her love for God. She was never paid more than one or two dollars for her lyrics and never made more than Four hundred dollars per year.  But she felt rich.  The word handicap lost much of its meaning with Fanny.  Our prosperity is not weighted in material gain but spiritual.  And out of her modest Income she gave to the poor.  Physical handicaps put painful limits on life an in terms of education and employment, the prospects for the blind in Fanny’s day were grim.  We still struggle to bring equal opportunity to the handicapped.  She had in childhood memorized the first four books of the Old Testament, the four gospels, many psalms, the book of Proverbs, the Song of Solomon, and Ruth.  For the rest of her life, she could reach into this sacred treasure chest for resources to help her overcome her limitations.  Fanny knew the sting of life’s unfairness.  Her blindness was the result of an incompetent doctors prescription for an eye infection at 6 weeks old.   No, as I well know, life is sometimes very unfair.    2001 JE Worthen   Creativity, Art, and God I believe that when I see film or read books, on Michelangelo and his ceiling in Rome or figure of David, or see a Renoir portrait or Van Gogh’s landscape of the poppy field, in essence they are divine.  Divine is of God.  It lets us come into a realm that otherwise we might not see.  Whether by a painting, writing or whatever, the artist through his creative process, sees something that the rest of you do not.  It may be a revelation, if they are Christian, or just his own inner soul, but, that being and soul belongs to God. I’ve seen since a young girl, loving music and art, that the artist is a true servant, for God gave him all his talents.  And did you know also, that Van Gogh, who cut off his ear in his mania, was also bi-polar disorder?  But, Christian or unchristian, God gave them their talent.  An artist has the capacity to delve deeper and see what others do not, even in visions. There are many Christians who want to write stories or paint, or write music or even go into acting, and many churches or other Christians attempt to condemn and thwart that creative process.  There are many Christians without any talent, and many un-Christians with an abundance of talents.  God is no respecter of persons, and this is something  we seem reluctant to face.  God chooses His artists without any qualifications as He chooses His saints.  If we live by revelation as Christians, then we must be careful not to type-cast and be rigid to others or accept that condemnation, ourselves.  Yes, God raises up a lot of folks that have shown no talents before they come to the Lord, but, there are some churches that are so rigid they deter and condemn creative abilities ramming that person their way instead of God’s, thereby discouraging. Writers want to be published (as I did) and the painter hopes that someone likes the finished canvass (as I sold and gave many away).  Yet, there are those that don’t want anything from a particular person.  Van Gogh was denied any of his work being bought in his lifetime.  What a terrible burden and disappointment for one’s whole life.  The composer needs his music to be heard.  They are all a part of communication, so we all underestimate the importance.  When we read a book we are not desensitized and like a sponge as we are watching tv.  We are reading along with the writer, and our minds absorb and the creative process lets our imagination grow.  It’s so important that a young child be taught to read and appreciate art, even if just looking at pictures.  A child shouldn’t be in technology all the time, but have a balance that includes enrichment, and to learn an appreciation of talents. Even musicians communicate by their music.  Maybe it is a purer art form afterall.  But, when we get into Heaven its going to be filled with music and our joy and that will be our communication, not through language or words.  However, I love the English language, and I think our limited use of vocabulary here in the US has degraded so in the last several decades, that even lawyers, forget the profound use of the English word.  Instead we have replaced our language with slang, swearing, or gutturals that go hand in hand with the violence we live in, therefore vocabulary is lost.  Gone are the days, my schoolmates took elocution lessons, or we relished in public debate clubs.  No wonder today, children can’t read, and just sit through a book…it’s all technology, videos, texting, emails.  And while technology and the vision of what it can do for our future is great, there is again, no balance, and kids have lost a valuable asset.  The written English word!  How can we expect them to excel in college, or understand the written word of the Bible, if they cannot read a simple book?  Now, kids want everything fast. Look at Adam and Eve in Paradise.  How wonderful in Genesis, and beautiful the world in the garden must have looked to them.  The beautiful sunrise, the color of the sky, all the trees and animals and life all untouched by man.  All the stars, and listening to the grass growing even.  How beautiful and lovely before corruption.  That’s what the artist tries to do for the most part, is look beyond that corruption and create.  Its sad for children to be brought up entirely with instruction, Christian or otherwise; and not let a child explore their imagination.  It inhibits us and the fullness of life and imagination looses its’ meaning.  I saw nothing wrong reading Hans Christian Anderson’s tales to my children, and later C.S. Lewis.  But, Dickens and Jane Austin too, sparked our vividness for seeing how they lived in our mines.   We could picture the characters in our minds and envision as the book progressed.  Perhaps as an only child, my solitude kept me far more in touch with this world of imagination and my BJ as well, for he was an only child in every sense.  I was a voracious reader, young and still try hard to find the time. Christians sometimes have missed the mark in this, and released a confused piety, and except for the Christian gospel, have contributed absolutely nothing to the arts.  I still enjoy watching a Shakespeare play or movie, or Dickens, or Jane Austin on PBS, or movie, or watching the Opera, and loved the three tenors.  I enjoy good jazz yet and watching a deep play, and until recently, in pain, went to the art galleries, and museums.  I enjoy beauty.  Beauty in nature as God created, and beauty through HIS artists.  Not everything is pornographic, objectionable and “not for us Christians”.  There again, discernment.  But, we have lost our way. If I feel joy and see beauty and love in something, then as far as I’m concerned, whether Christian or not, my God created it; through the artist, musician, writer, etc. (including the secular Jewish Barbra Streisand, who once I loved to listen to. The artist at work (as I am now, and all of you other bloggers) is less bound by time and space than in ordinary life.  And we have to be less restricted in ordinary life than we are.  We cannot be limited or trapped. I’ve been writing today since about 8:30 am this morning, and it is now nearly 12am.  Sometimes I’ve written my books in 10 hour days. If I still have what is in my heart to put down, I can’t stop, and my friends sometimes don’t understand that I cannot just pick and choose my time and go right back where I left off.  Does anyone else feel that way?  It doesn’t work that way for me, perhaps now my age, too and losing my train of thoughts?  But it doesn’t work that way when I paint either.  There is a need to finish the project and see the end result.  God is constantly creating through us, with us, and to co-create with Gods direction is a calling that is very misunderstood by churches.  When I’m working, unless I have advanced meals prepared, I pick at peanut butter sandwiches, because I won’t take the time.  I can’t.  Creating is almost like a baby birthing inside of us.  That baby cries to come out and be heard.  Well, so does the painting and the book and music to the artist.  Billie Joel dreams music, I dream colors and get visions when God births a new painting in me.  Since a child, colors drew me in.  I love colors.  Even in stores I gravitated to the colors on a rack or a particular print.  I love my lavenders, purples, magenta, sages, and reds..brick red..pale yellows and gold…I love colors still. Ecclesiastes 7:3 “Sorrow better than laughter, for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.  Upon an instrument of ten strings, and upon the psaltery; (Hebrew, an ancient 6 string guitar)  upon they harp with a solemn sound.  For thou Lord, hast made me glad through THY work; I will triumph in the works of my hands”.  Psalm 92:3-4  God gives us our talents, which he wants us to use. Madeleine L’Engle wrote the following excerpts in “Walking on Water”, Reflections on Faith and Art”.   “We are to be children of the light, and we are meant to walk in the light, and we have been groping along in the darkness.  The creative act helps us to emerge into the light, that awful light which the disciples saw on the Mount of Transfiguration, and which the Hebrew children saw on the face of Moses when he had been talking with God on Mt. Sinai.  Even Jesus disciples wanted to trap Jesus, Elijah and Moses in the tabernacles, tame them, pigeonhole and label them, as all of us have continued to do ever since.  If my religion is true, it will stand up to all my questioning, there is no need to fear.  But, if it is not true, if it is man imposing strictures on God” (as in Galileo’s day and Pelosi’s left on abortion now) “then I want to be open to God not, to what man (or woman) says about God, playing at BEING God.  I want to be open to revelation, to new life, to new birth, to new light.” “The role of the artist is exactly the same as the role of the lover.  If I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things you don’t see.”  I agree with this implicitly.  “The artist is someone who is full of questions, who cries them in great angst, who discovers rainbow answers in the darkness, then rushes to canvas or paper.  An artist is someone who cannot rest, who can never rest as long as there is suffering and that is divine.  The creative act is an escape from the power of time and ascent to the divine.  Most artists are aware that during the deepest moments of that creation they are out on the other side of themselves…and so are free from time, with the same joyousness that comes in the greatest moments of prayer.” When I was physically able, I enjoyed tremendously contributing my paintings in art shows here locally, and meeting with other artists.  I discovered that there is an abundance of talented people out there, who give from their heart and donate fine beauty to businesses,  galleries, and even churches.  Unfortunately, the first place schools cut back is the arts.  However, somehow, art and the rich talents of artists have survived and always will as long as God puts His light in our hearts. So, through my desolation and the pain of my son’s death 10 years ago, and on my road to restoration, I have come out of the wilderness that God placed me and birthed my creativity.  “The wilderness and the solitary place be glad for them and the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose.”  Isaiah 35:1  Madeleine said, “We do not judge great art, it judges us.” *From my  book, “Restoration Road” copyright 2004 Morris Publishing Note: The rest of this book is on here as photos.  And unfortunately not in order. For that I apologize.  I want to say this to young people.  Read! I mean read history, classic books. I started reading Shakespeare at only 13 still in grammar school. Learn the TRUE American history as it isn’t nor was it ever meant to be racist.  America was started by those who were escaping religious persecution. My Ancestor and his 4 sons fought in the Revolutionary War, and all were Majors, which was rare.   And while Columbus is now under attack, remember he helped Jews then in Spain and brought them here when Queen Isabella was murdering them and pogaming them (as Hitler later on.)  Many of these Jews became bankers in a new city New York who helped us win the Revolutionary War.  To give ALL of us Freedom.    God bless you who read and learn. https://majorezekielworthenrevwar.wordpress.com I want to say to young people. Don’t quit.  I am now 81.  My whole book is on here, however, the other chapters are in photos and I am sorry, not in order.  The original manuscript was on another computer. But everything God gave me, all the information, all the insight, is still here, I hope for posterity.  You see when I got saved in 1982, I’d already gone through enough. I had no place else to go after the death of my father, but, up.  I hope and pray I have left you who read, something to inspire, to get you thinking.  To never stop learning.  For this is not the world I was brought up in after WWII.  God bless you all.    My paintings: https://jeworthen.wordpress.com/2012/08/10/someofmypaintings/ https://restorationroadbyjeworthen.wordpress.com/