#i hate the 2016 game but i cannot completely hate the 2016 game or i wouldn't have met farorest | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pikkish · 3 months ago

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I'm new to the fandom, just played 2016 and Eternal in quick succession. Eternal's DLC left me really dissatisfied, but I can't really explain why or how. Based on that poll you made, it's clear you've got some Opinions on the writing, so I was hoping you would like to share them? I feel like I need someone to mull over that whole story with. You can message me privately if you wish!!

Hi there! Welcome to the Doom fandom! I hope you enjoy your stay here more than you enjoyed TAG's writing! And you're more than welcome to come yell with me about Doom and its related games any time!

You're more than correct in your assertion that I have some Opinions about modern Doom's writing, in fact, I have quite a few of them. Most of them can be summed up as "the writing is just plain bad," which is probably also the reason you're unsatisfied with it. It's inconsistent, it regularly sacrifices coherence for the sake of something that looks cool for trailer shots, it has a lot of details that very much could be interesting plots but are simply ignored after their first mention, and at least a few more things that I'm forgetting, it's been a little bit since my last playthrough of TAG and these are just the major ones off the top of my head.

Take Hayden, for example. In 2016, he's the classic egotistical, powerful CEO of a major weapons industry, who maybe didn't necessarily intend to get a ton of people killed, but now that he has, he's gonna stick to his guns and insist he's still in the right, this was an unfortunate accident, but what he's doing is necessary, for the good of humanity, can't you see? He's the good guy! He's just trying to make things better! And he's dedicated to this course well enough that he's willing to betray the man who's there to save him, and boot Doomguy back into Hell at the end of 2016.

Then you get to Eternal, and he's inexplicably changed his mind for no good reason? And it's not like he's learned his lesson and has become more humble for it; sure, he got his rear handed to him by demons, and he emphatically states that the creation of Argent Energy is an "unholy union" that "cannot continue," but at the same time, he still acts constantly like he has everything under control and heavily implies that, were he in charge, this situation wouldn't be so bad- as if he weren't in charge when it got this bad. It's like they wanted him to have the exact same attitude (and therefore, ability to deliver dramatic voicelines) as in 2016, but didn't want to commit to him being a villain, so they just went "ok! he doesn't like Argent Energy any more," and went with it, then never felt the need to explain how or why this complete shift in attitude came about. As a result, it feels like Hayden has no clear motive or goals, and falls pretty flat as a character in general.

And then, to take it into TAG, there's the Seraphim, and don't even get me started on how much I hate that that's his name, "seraphim" is the PLURAL form of "seraph," it's like how "Guy" is a real name but then if they decided to name a character "Guys" instead, and it drives me crazy-- whom they go to some lengths to confirm is, in fact, the same person as Hayden, but then, despite the fact that Samur is sick and dying from the moment you revive him, for some reason, Hayden has to turn back into Samur. I suppose there's maybe some indication that Samur and Hayden are actually different people implied by Hayden referring to the Seraphim in the third person through the beginning of the Atlantica level, but there's still never any explanation given for that, whether they are or aren't the same person, or why you need to bring Samur back in Hayden's place.

And then, you beat Samur up, and guess what? He immediately stops being relevant to the plot and is almost completely forgotten. And that's a recurring theme in modern Doom! Olivia Pierce and the Khan Maykr both share the same fate, the moment they're dead, they practically just stop existing. Sure, there's the statue of Olivia in Nekravol, and, like, a single mention of the Khan in one of TAG's codices, if I remember correctly, but personally, to me, both of those feel more like the devs giving you a wink and a nudge and saying "haha hey, remember them?" like it's more of an Easter Egg than them actually having any significance.

And then there's the whole mess that is Davoth. Admittedly, having the Divinity Machine be fueled by his power, and Doomguy being enhanced by that power is thematically appropriate, what with the whole reason Doomguy wins being that he's even angrier than Hell. I also think something like the Divinity Machine and Dooomguy becoming superhuman did have to happen eventually, because how many times can one man singlehandedly beat back the whole of Hell itself before he stops being just some guy? But I don't think it was executed very well.

For one thing, I don't think it was a good move to imply that Doomguy always was some sort of pseudo-god super entity right from the start. Sure, like I said, he did inevitably have to stop being just some guy, but him being just some guy was a good bit of the charm of classic Doom in my opinion. All we knew about him was that he loved his pet rabbit, and was more willing to punch his commanding officer in the face than follow an order to shoot civilians. And yeah, if you take that, and also assume that the story cards are Doomguy's own internal monologue or at least a representation of his attitude, then you can't really say he was ever a blank slate character, but he was still just some guy, and he was relatable for that. And going "well, actually, he was a godling from the very beginning" just doesn't feel very good in my opinion, and feels like a big retcon besides. (And we'll get to more "well, ACTUALLY" stuff in a bit, but first I wanna finish up the tangentially Davoth related stuff first.)

All that aside, if we take it at face value and say sure, Doomguy was always something a little more than human, always destined to become the ultimate warrior, rather than making himself into the Doom Slayer by surviving Hell, then there's still not really any reason for Davoth to have looked exactly like him, beyond going "you-- but EVIL!!" for the drama of it. I think there was maybe one codex entry that says Davoth's whole soul-stealing operation was for the sake of providing his own people with immortality, which is to say, he was fighting to protect his home or something to that effect, so an argument could be made that his looking like Doomguy is an attempt at exploring "this is you, gone too far, this is you if you ever let go of your morals, this is everything you risk becoming," but, again, it's mentioned like... once, in one codex, and never explored or elaborated upon further. If I remember correctly, Davoth himself never even acknowledges this, it's just the codex entry, and he just goes on about how he'll kill Doomguy and destroy everything he ever loved. If they really wanted to make him a sympathetic villain like that, then they should've actually given us the opportunity to feel that sympathy for him. Let me see the people he's trying to protect- is it an idyllic paradise, oblivious to the lengths being gone to to keep them comfortable? A broken, dying people who should have gone extinct long ago, but for this thievery of the lives of others? I know Hell is supposed to be Jekkad, corrupted, and even in theory, that's fine- you could say Davoth's become so ruthless in pursuit of this immortality for his people that he's blinded himself to how it's also destroyed that which he was attempting to save- but you can't really see that. It's still just Hell, not really any sort of remnant of something worth saving.

And speaking of that. Trying to make Davoth a sympathetic villain at all feels like a bad choice to me. Doom is about fighting demons, about carving a bloody war path through the ultimate evil of Hell itself, and about feeling viciously satisfied about doing it. Making it about a desperate man who can't accept that he failed to save what he cared about, and making about killing that man before he does any more damage in attempting to do what he's already failed to do just doesn't feel good the way the rest of Doom does. And beyond that, TAG doesn't even succeed in the emotional gut punch that would come from it, had they managed to make Davoth into an actually sympathetic villain. It's like they're trying to strike a balance between the gratuitously violent and exhiliratingly triumphant feel that Doom is known for, and an emotionally impactful story, and as a result, both end up landing somewhere between mediocre and just plain bad.

I don't have a good segue into this bit except to say it's coming back to the "well, ACTUALLY," thing I mentioned earlier, which is: there are a lot of parts that feel a lot like a six year old kid is just making up the plot on the spot, like, for example, "Doomguy LAUNCHES himself out of a CANNON and he has a MAGIC SWORD and a PET DRAGON that carries him to the MAGIC CRYSTAL in the MIDDLE of the PLANET." Granted, these ones are pretty small and relatively inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, and, yeah, okay, they do look pretty cool. But they don't really... fit? Yeah, it's not like classic Doom didn't have this too, In Doom I alone, Doomguy gets pissed about not getting a reward for beating up the barons, practically just jumps off the side of Deimos, and then finally gets to go home when a secret teleporter just opens beside him after Hell decides he's "too tough" for it. But that all fits in classic Doom, because it's not trying to be a serious, grimdark story. Classic Doom is goofy, and it knows it, and it doesn't try to be anything else. But modern Doom tries so hard to be a very serious, dramatic story and also keep the sillier bits of classic Doom, and- yeah, okay, I already made this point once, but here it is again- it ultimately kinda fails at both as a result.

But then there's the bigger of these, namely VEGA. You spend the majority of both 2016 and Eternal with him as your main companion, and, as far as I can remember, there's never really anything to indicate that he's anything other than what he's introduced as, a sentient AI, created to help manage the Mars base. And then you get to the end of Eternal, and- after basically making you sacrifice him for a second time- with next to no buildup, go, "well actually, he's the god of the bad guys." And I'd complain about that plot thread also being brought up and then dropped with no further elaboration, except they do elaborate on it, and that's basically all that TAG is about. They spend the whole of TAG 1 telling you how VEGA is the god of Literally Everything, and how he made Davoth, then didn't kill him when he started to get out of hand, and aren't you MAD at him, for making all your problems, for being too merciful with his own creation that he loved, and don't you just wanna DESTROY the thing that would give him power again?

And then you get to TAG 2 and they spend the whole time going "WELL ACTUALLY it's DAVOTH who's god and VEGA STILL couldn't kill him and he's been LYING to you this ENTIRE TIME." It almost feels to me like a bad fandom interpretation to justify not liking a character, except worse because they're actually the ones who made the character and wrote the story, and I'm not entirely sure why they intentionally tried to make VEGA a helpful, likeable character, gave him a backstory that arguably makes him more sympathetic than Davoth, and then went "actually we hate him now and are gonna do everything we can to try to make you hate him too."

There are definitely more things I could bring up, like whatever the whole deal with the wraiths and the World Spear is, and probably a handful of other things I'm forgetting, too, but it's getting late and I gotta get up to go to work tomorrow. At any rate, thanks for stopping by and giving me an excuse to finally yell about these things! Feel free to stop by and chat with me about video games whenever you want, I love getting to hear other people's thoughts on these things just as much as I love getting to give my own.

#doom #pikspeak #bideogaem rambling :)#id say i wonder why i still love these games but i do in fact know the answer to that #and its because they still have excellent gameplay #and because i am hopelessly attracted to characters that are exceptionally powerful and violently angry but still #put everything they are and everything theyre capable of to doing good and protecting people #and- provided they dont make some HORRENDOUSLY bad decision when the dark ages comes out- doom is still the epitome of that character type #though tbh i dont think im too incredibly worried about them screwing up THAT badly #this is still id software after all; one of their biggest three franchises is the series all about beating up fascists #anyway quick reminder that it is ok to criticize things you like and that you can still like a thing while picking out its flaws #ok thats all i think. im going to bed. goodnight!

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gubbles-owo · 6 months ago

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okay fuckit, gather 'round: it's gubbles' storytime. girl's band cry hyperfixation be damned, it's bringing up so many Things in my heart. i say i've never performed live onstage, but that's not entirely true. while a far shot from actually taking part in a band and playing a show, allow me to tell you the tale of the closest I ever got to that: a random session at jamspace, pax east, 2016.

.......... senior year of college, i was brought onboard with another group of students who had not only completed a game demo for a class project, but wanted to take it further. a lil VR game, simple in concept and clean in execution, i was invited to do music and audio for it. (i was, of course, the sole game audio/music-focused student on campus, as my school's gamedev program didn't really have a dedicated audio designer track). ultimately it fizzled out and not much came of it, but for a good chunk of time it was everything. our future ambitions, something to carry us forth from graduation on into the industry, to cement our own little foothold in the vast world of game development. we took the train to boston so many times, showed off our game at SO MANY local events, hell i had never known how to navigate a complex subway system, and here we were sifting through every few weeks or so. it was a wild fucking time, and honestly? i wish i could experience it again. something about the weaving of fantastical future prospects with the tangible, corporeal experience of it all. once foreign subway systems, sprawling in a subterranean web of concrete and metal, the sidewalks of city streets lit by the glow of the city, now strangely familiar in such a short span of time... *ahem* right, where was i... right, pax east. our school provided a limited number of booths for teams to show off their projects at pax east, and being one of the big promising projects stirring up on campus, we were granted a spot. (actually i had TWO spots because two separate projects/teams i took part in got accepted, so i had to pull double duty for a lot of it LMFAO). i've been to pax before, but as a fan and attendee, not as a developer. so this was an entirely new experience... ...and that experience was having the booth you sit at all day right next to the massive league of legends (ew) stage!! they blasted music constantly! half of it was just percussion loops from Heavyocity's Damage, and i know because I RECOGNIZED THOSE PERCUSSION SOUNDS and even USED SOME OF THEM IN THE PROJECT I WAS WORKING ON. see, the convention floor is loud. like. incredibly fucking loud. it's one thing if you're walking around as a fan, you've got other talks in siderooms to go to, and you can always step out and get some fresh air if you're feeling overwhelmed. but ya can't do that when you're on shift to demo your game to con attendees for the next several hours, can ya? :3c so yeah, long story short, i got sick. real fuckin sick. i had to YELL over the din of the convention the entire time, and after just one day, i had already lost my voice. and i mean COMPLETELY LOST MY VOICE. i could not speak, only painfully croak. i had to resort to crude hand gestures and typing shit on my phone to communicate. it was rooouughhh. and after bringing this up with my teammates, they agreed to cover my shifts, and let me rest. because the con was so fucking loud, and i was still stuck there sick all day, i informed my team that i would be headed to the jamspace room to pick up earplugs. and by "earplugs" i mean. haha well. lets justr say. a bass guitar. (srry for screenshot but tumblr hated this paragraph for some reason and kept blocking the post):

i was sick as fuck, and for sake of my health, should probably not have pushed myself. HOWEVER. i would NOT i repeat *NOT* let this sole opportunity to slip me by... i've always wanted to perform with other musicians, so fuck it, i am doing this. so the next twelve minutes i shuffled my sickly ass alll the way around to the room at the very end of the hall. i had taken note of the open-stage timeslots the day prior. i had one hour to do this shit. one hour to make the dream come true. i cannot describe the nervousness i felt going into that whole thing. i lied to my teammates. i couldn't speak. a dark room with a little clipboard to fill out a timeslot and instrument, and an empty, brightly lit stage on the other side of it. but i shuffled stage right, strapped on this bass, and asked for a pick (because im a fake bassist). and. holy shit.

i had no voice, but with that bass strapped to me? i could make the entire room *shake*. and words cannot describe how utterly fucking powerful that felt.

a few other randos took up the other instruments. i don't remember much about them, only that they intimidated the HELL out of me. i had done like concert band in high school, i've jammed on instruments in my room, but this? this is something entirely different. we played through a couple tracks... they kept suggesting "hey how about x song from y band?" but my stupid-ass doesn't have a degree in classic rock like everyone else apparently does, so i shrugged and said i didn't know how to play it. we finally settled on the one song suggested that i was, at least passingly, familiar with... metallica's enter sandman lmfaO the "passingly" there is very important, because while i know the general flow and structure, i wasn't sure about the specifics. when we got to the first pre-chorus, i notice something had shifted, and i was no longer playing the right notes. i must've either sounded terrible or look visibly confused, because the guitarist to my left turned toward me, angled his fretboard to be clearly in view, and taught me how to play the riff while performing it onstage. and i did it!! i picked it up, just like that!! it was just the earlier bit but transposed up a few steps or smth, but god, just. that little moment right there? that quick moment of guidance mid-performance? holy fuck that is magical. the other awesome moment was somewhere in the bridge, like. okay. i could barely hear myself, as the guitars and vocals and cymbals right behind me were all incredibly loud (they didn't have earplugs btw lol). but i wasn't sure i was like, contributing much to the song? and while i admittedly improvised this bit, for the build up into the final chorus, i stopped playing. i let the guitar and the drums have their space. and slowly, quietly, high up on the fretboard, built back up until WHAM, i come back in full force with the chorus. IT WAS SO COOL. LIKE. the mix sounded so weak and thin without me, and the contrast of making the entire fucking room violently vibrate with the flick of my wrist on the downbeat? holy FUCK. IT'S MAGICAL. MAGIC IS REAL Y'ALL AND IT IS ONSTAGE. anyway yeah, played that song, some members swapped out but no one else was signed up for bass, so i stuck on for a lil longer. another guitarist taught me how to play one of the splatoon themes, and while it was fun, the drummer kept us both going on that one riff for a looot longer than we wanted to lmfao fun fact! none of my team knew i did this!! they probably would've been PISSED had they found out!! actually they stole my con pass on the third morning, which made sense cause they had someone else fill in for me at the booth, but none of it was communicated to me and i was piiiiised. wound up navigating the subway and trains back home, all by myself, for the first time. but YEAH it was AMAZING. it wasn't an established band playing a local show, it was just a bunch of randos fucking around. and god. i... i really want to be part of a band someday. i want to feel this again.

even if just for one show, for one song, for one moment... i need to feel the weight of the room underneath my fingertips.

#gubbles' storytime #or something #its not directly gbc but fuck it its inspired as fuck and im tagging anyway #🖕#girls band cry

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seanettlles · 9 months ago

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i wanna go home so bad but i still have hours of work left and then a trip to my parents' place so i'm posting this instead of working ✌️

(thanks @threefill for the distraction💜)

What ship were you completely obsessed with as a teenager, but now you don't care about anymore?

magnus bane/alec lightwood (yes i read the shadowhunters series don't @ me i was like 13 lmao)

Which ship would you consider your first one?

first serious ship that i actively read fics and such for would definitely be jesse mccree/hanzo shimada from overwatch

i miss og overwatch 😭😭😭 i played so much of it and it was so fun before the game went in a different direction

Your first fanfic was about which couple?

bruno madrigal/my encanto oc, milo castaño 💜 not that i ever. finished it or plan to post it anywhere, i had no plot in mind so it's very rambling and disjointed 😂 i really should write Something for them at some point lmao

Do you remember the first couple you saw fan art of?

magnus and alec again 😔 but after that def more mchanzo stuff, also a lot of genji shimada/zenyatta

Have you ever gotten into ship discourse?

my guys (gender neutral) i am perpetually exhausted as it is do you think i have the energy for arguing over barbies 😂😭 about the only "discourse" i get into is whining about the lack of Gay Bruno Content in dms lol (something something what do you mean i have to be the change i wanna see in the world)

Did you use to have any NOTP or have one currently?

not that i can think of!!!

Who were the last couple in the last fanfic you read?

uhhhhhhhhh i don't. remember lmao, i read a lot of random kink fics from various fandoms and i don't know any of the characters bc encanto has none catered to me specifically and i Cannot post my own with milo and bruno bc 😳😳😳 no one is allowed to perceive that side of me, and people would likely recognize milo's character even if i changed up his name lmao

(maybe one day i'll just throw all my fucks out the window and post something. prolly not but who knows)

Currently, do you have any OTPs?

bruno/milo 😌✌️ and also bruno/milo/javi, as well as just milo/javi bc me and @sionnaach are Very Normal about our sons and shove them in 38496948272 different universes (our sons include bruno, we stole him from disney, he is Ours Now)

Is there any couple that, to this day, that you are extremely mad about not getting into?

nah

Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they're kind of interesting?

hmmm not that i can think of 🤔

Do you have any ship that, in the past, would have been considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

i don't think so 😂 hope not anyway???

What is your favourite crack ship?

bowser/luigi ✌️ i have a cute zine of them even

What is the couple you read the most fanfics about?

still mchanzo, nothing will top them most likely 😂 i was obsessed with them for years, there's still one fic i read during college and it hasn't updated since??? 2016????? but someday hopefully 🥺 i would love to read more of it, it was amazingly written (popcorn redemption by wyntera if anyone's interested ✌️)

What do most of your ships have in common?

gay gay homosexual gay

What do you absolutely hate in a ship?

themes of dubious consent/gaslighting, that sort of... angsty genre of fics/shipping??? idk how to articulate it exactly 😅 i just like more fluffy couples, it's so weird to me when one character is like. abusive or manipulative under the guise of love and people eat that shit up (not a negative judgment, just not my scene and i can't personally wrap my head around the appeal)

if you read this far and wanna play, consider yourself tagged!!!!! i wanna hear about your ships!!!!!!!!! >:3c

#my text #tag game #i have So Much Castaño Fam Content but it's like. all just spitballed ideas in dms lmao #one day i really wanna post stuff for them bc i love them 😭😭😭#when will creative energy come back from the mental health wars 😔😔😔

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catb-fics · 9 months ago

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Loved hearing your perspective. They are insanely good headliners and have the capacity to demand a crowd that big, but as you said, it is interesting that they’re still not as “mainstream” as other indie bands, considering their accolades…

Also curious if their popularity has anything to do with their fan base demographic. From my perspective, CATB seems to have a pretty even split of female/ male fans. I think their music style and overall vibe attracts a wider range of people. I read an article (cannot remember where) about “fangirls” being the backbone of the music industry. If we go back to the golden age of tumblr (2013-2016), The 1975, AM, and even The Neighborhood were everywhere.

**Disclaimer: this is not to compare, rather to spark discussion:)

Take Matty Healy for example, his persona and vibe is appealing to young women. He’s also notoriously very open about his personal life and social commentary in general. Or Alex Tuner’s complete style shift during the AM era. They each have a “schtick” that girls particularly go wild about.

Don’t get me wrong, Van is an insanely attractive frontman. Talent wise, one of the best of our generation. My point is, do you think the willingness to re-invent oneself or be open about personal matters has anything to do with mainstream popularity? I personally love the fact that they’ve always been a humble, true-to-themselves type of band. Their talent overpowers the need to completely overhaul their vibe for marketing reasons.

Sorry this is long! Just some food for thought

-🎀

You know I think you have a very good point there. I really do think that catb appeal to the lads as much as the girls. I mean a lot of the girlies are swooning still but when you’re at a gig and you look around you it’s definitely not majority female. People are there primarily for the music and their vibe and the fact that Van’s very easy on the eye is just an added bonus!

I personally hate it when people complain about them not having a major overhaul of their style/music. Fair enough it would be great to hear Van experiment but I would much rather him be true to himself and make the kind of music that’s from the heart that he loves and comes naturally to him.

I agree I really do think this is the reason why they never took that step from being big to being a household name but I admire that they’ve not played the industry game to get to that status. If they came back with a new look and completely different sound all those people that moan about them not changing would probably moan they’d sold out! Bands just can’t win sometimes.

#catb asks #🎀 anon

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sstudiess · 2 years ago

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I decided to torture myself and read my old journals. This is what I found and here is the wrapped:

Iconic/cringefail quotes from my old journals:

Dec 2015

"There are some things man can't change and on that list the top spot is reserved for the never ending chatter of kids."

April 2016

"i want to be a wanderer who travels in search of Justin Bieber songs and Hollywood movies"

Sept 2016

"Now I will tell you the biggest tragedy of my life. I've decided to not get into the 'gf and bf' stuff before I join NASA so I'm in a kind of dilemma."

Jan 2017

"My love life is as bad as ever but I'm looking forward to this year because according to the horoscope, my love life is gonna be amazing!"

"Now, I think that the whole school is going to know that I and xxxxx are gonna have a secret rendezvous!"

"She said that I would've aroused doubt in her mind by saying that cause nobody says I hate you to someone in private!"

March 2017

"...And the fact that life has nothing romantic to offer me, makes me more into these books! Reading people's stories when my own love story is at mortal peril!"

"What she gets after giving her best shot is almost equal to what I get after doing almost nothing at all!"

Jan 2018

"Speaking of fictional boyfriends, I'm totally over xxxx now."

Feb 2018

"I am not the chosen one nor I'm half-angel but I do have a shitty life"

"If i were in America, people would make fun of me still, but not in this way"

"I am too creative to handle my thoughts for sure."

"I know this world is big and full of possibilities but just for once, i want this world to be small for me, i want just one possibility."

"I said my love life was a square but then she said it was a triangle. I didn't agree, so we ended up calling it an 'angle', or rather, a traingle with no base."

March 2018

"I am scared for the future, for everything that is gonna come after this one year. All i have right now is a mantra 'padh le beta, 12 hai' "

"We need to find a rebound crush for me."

May 2018

"I've been binge watching thirteen reasons why. I am on the 6th ep of season 2. I kinda like that show. It was soo depressing, it helped me forget my depression"

August 2020

"I have never been this lonely, but i have never been this happy either. I needed this more than i can ever admit"

"I know I'm capable of being loved, of loving again, so I will root for that hope."

"Being a popular author is a dream only a few people get to live. Rest others are forced to live a life of oblivion, their books and creations tucked into darkness."

Oct 2020

"It seems as if I have forced myself to stay within these walls"

Jan 2021

"Why do I hold my thoughts like Atlas holding up the weight of the entire world? I do not feel like I'm crumbling from the weight but there's this haze of heavy thoughts upon me that I cannot seem to lift."

"I have been building this world of thoughts and words. These thoughts in the form of books, movies, songs, they belong to someone else. All they do for me is dampen the intensity of the ones that actually belong to me."

"It's waiting, the spirit in me, she will burst me open with exhilaration when she thinks the time is right. She is fickle, she needs beauty, she needs a constant change of scenery."

"This will be your fall, you are Icarus, dying to touch the sky so much, you are dying to die. No no, you do not want to die. You are just agitated, angry, your defiance is performative. You're just bored out of your wits."

"I should not want it, I am aware, but due to reasons completely irrational, i will be forgoing my last two braincells in favour of the straited muscles (the heart)."

"I JUST FOUND OUT LADY ADA LOVELACE WAS THE DAUGHTER OF THE ICONIC LORD BYRON. Hence for reasons completely irrational, i will be passing away."

"Hope is a dangerous game to play with yourself."

"My love for him is an ocean with unfathomable depths. He is a swimming pool. If he jumps, he will drown in my intensity. If i jump, I will hit my head. We both will die. Death is romantic, say the poets of old. Well, not this one, this death will be humiliating."

"We are academics, we explore the world through books, always living on the sidelines, we do not participate. We live in the past. We love art, yet we fail to make any. We love the world, we want to change it but we never try. We will never be heard except one day, sorting through dusty books, another lover will find us in pages, but we will never be able to create any real change. We deal with the mind, sometimes the heart, with the art we create. We cannot touch the tangible, our realm is the intangible and that is where we come alive. The problem however, is that we will never be remembered. John Keats was right when he said his name was written in water. Isn't everyone else's too? Ours specifically, is written on the waves. We do not create an effect, we are only felt. But I believe there are some who change the world like a Tsunami does. Shakespeare, remember? What did he do for the world? Nothing. He just wrote plays."

"I believe in love as the driving force that makes this ugly and unbearable world tolerable and meaningful."

"You cannot nullify love just like you cannot nullify the existence of God."

Feb 2021

"Valentine's day is a capitalist holiday. Even if it wasn't, there is no reason for celebrating it."

"I am going for the crazy poet/scholar look these days so it hurts when i have to cut or comb my hair."

"We carry our home in our hearts. I do too, because if I didn't, I'd be homeless."

April 2021

The Generation Z are a faithless and purposeless generation. We believe in equality, we have opinions- a lot of them but we don't have ideologies to follow or governments to overthrow. We have a fire in us that burns bright, but with no purpose, it seems to me that we're getting wasted."

"I got a cousin baby brother! I'll admit, I did not like him much in the beginning, he looked like a shriveled potato but after they washed him up, I saw in the pictures that he looks like me!"

"Realism, pessimism, optimism- they're all words. We're all three and neither."

"Majority of the content in my journal includes me pining over a guy I dated for a month."

May 2021

"It's like looking at your scars years later, you see a fair patch of skin, it doesn't hurt, it doesn't make you feel the past pain, but it fills you with a sense of awe and wonder at your body, at its strength and its resilience."

"I have learned the unbearable art of silencing the voice in my head. It is boring without it."

July 2021

"I didn't get any gifts and I was barred from buying more books" (on 20th b'day)

Jan 2022

" I have 99 problems and 110 of them would be solved if I lived alone in a small cottage on top of a hill."

"When it comes to the Romantics, I think I'm like John Keats. The sad but joyful/optimistic bastard that coughed blood and died. In all seriousness, I don't think I'm any more special or unique than this particular sad twink. It's a bummer really, because I actually aspire to be like Lord Byron. The bisexual disaster, obnoxiously charming and smart asshole that you want to punch in the face but then are too enamored by. Byron, the accidental hero, the adventurer and the rebel. That's who I want to be….. but Byron is Byron, I am not him. I am not mentally ill enough to pull off that sort of charisma."

"I can exist and others too and we all can be the main characters. Existence isn't a competition. Not everything is."

"I have always been single in my entire life of 21 years except for a month. I have been happy in my entire life of 21 years except for a month."

"I made up things, I wanted a story. I look for a story everywhere- that's what we do."

#journalling #old journals #dark academia vibes #personal diary

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voskhozhdeniye · 6 months ago

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Hm, thinking about that Fuck Buttons show has me thinking about other shows.

How about we talk about my first Swans show...

I was terrified to see them. At the time, I was on a NIN fan forum. Everyone who had went to see them talked about just how loud they were. I had constant ear infections as a child, so I have hearing problems. I was told to bring earplugs. The week before was that GY!BE show that my back fucked up before the opener finished. I was more afraid of my back fucking up than my hearing after that.

(Before I started typing this I searched the blog to see if I've written this before. Nothing came up, but I remember telling this part of the story on here before, maybe in a tag.)

I do not drive in the city often, and at that point in time I hadn't learned my way around yet. I didn't start that until the next year. My sister drove me up, we ate at a trendy hipster burger spot in a super gentrified area of the city. The burger spot was gone within a year or so.

At the restaurant, there was this LOUD group of, I was going to say 20somethings, but I was too at the time so.... My sister went and did her thing. The group followed me to the show.

Where they were loud as shit also. A Hawk and a Hacksaw opened, I don't remember much of their set. I thought it was interesting and said I'd check them out further, but never have.

In between sets, I put the ear plugs in.

This was the tour for The Seer, but the set was already To Be Kind heavy.

About halfway through To Be Kind I realized oh, this is going to build until it explodes. That first blast felt like a brick to the face. In a curiosity tempting the cat moment, I took the earplugs out. I never put them back in. Swans are loud, but it's the physical force of it.

The first half of the live version of Avatar is completely different. The ending is like what's on the album but is extended with heavy percussion. At the end, when they hit that outro, it felt like someone threw hot water on me. I cannot stress how much you physically feel it. I checked out mentally after that. I have no memory of She Loves Us at all. Which is wild, because I love the live version and hate the studio recording.

I barely remember Coward. I was deeply in love with that song at the time.......and was glad that was the lone older song that got a place in the set. I think after that tour anything before The Seer was dropped.

.......They did Helpless Child on the tour before and I didn't go because I wasn't really into them like that. Pray for me, I'm going to look up what that tour's DC show set was....Beautiful Child but no Helpless Child.

I vaguely remember The Seer. I don't remember if it was that The Seer/Bring The Sun/Toussaint L'Ouverture version like what's on Not Here/Not Now. If it was, that's why I don't remember. That shit is amazing.

I don't remember Nathalie Neal at all.

The Apostate I remember. Before they started, Gira proposed everyone take off their cloths and dance.

As the show went on, the people who rushed to be near the front of the stage slowly moved back away from the stage, leaving no one front and center. I mean an entire large circle of empty space in front of Gira.

So I went up there and stared into Norm Westberg's soul. He attempted to do the same to me, but I was not in my right mind, and he had to look away.

That group of friends attempted to talk during the set. They quickly realized that wasn't happening. I think they left.

My first two Swans shows were at the Black Cat. Their main stage is on a second floor. There's a bar, a games room and a smaller second stage downstairs. I saw Dawn of Midi downstairs.

Because you're not on a ground floor, you feel every vibration. I have fibromyalgia, leaving out of those shows felt like I had gotten a full body massage.

Since this is just going on and on....

I talked about Gira and the rape allegation in my end of year list the year that happened, 2016 I think. I believe I said I was disappointed but not surprised, and pointed to the abuse you hear him putting Jarboe through on You See Through Me. I always say about that song that while I appreciate the honesty, goddamn you.

I deleted all of Kanye's music off my hard drives last year. A few of the CDs are still here somewhere, but I'd have to dig to find them. 20 years ago he was the most important musician in my life. Him and Lupe were rappers who looked like me and shared common interests. Kanye was out here sampling Aphex and Can HELLO! That was really important at a time when I needed it.

Today is Michael Brown's birthday. Before Ferguson, I was going down a similar path of anti-blackness as Kanye. I don't know what it is for him, but for myself. To be the Black kid who gets othered by other Black kids means you'll go looking for friends anywhere. Even the white kids who call themselves your friend, but treat you like shit. Anything is better than being alone. After years of that you hate yourself, everyone treats you like you're inferior. All the hardships of being Black in America, but not considered Black enough for your peers. You realize the common denominator is your your skin color, so what do you attack? My sister is 51, when she was in high school, she had a classmate who tried to bleach his skin with household bleach. He gave himself chemical burns.

Autumn 2014 almost killed me. The week before Michael's death, a family member who I worked with died. Our working together made him the closest family member I had. Then the Ferguson protests sparked up. Then a lot of white people started explaining to me what is and isn't racism. The same way a lot of people nowadays are explaining to me what is and isn't genocide. I realized that a lot of the white people I was devaluing myself for didn't even see me as human.

I almost killed myself that autumn. I deleted the old blog and everything. I decided. I had my plan and everything. In the week leading up, I started to get sick. I lost 10 pounds in 6 days. The cognitive dissonance that people are going through right now with Gaza I was going through in 2014.

Ferguson killed that anti-blackness path quickly. The emotions from the neglect from that time in my life will always be here. In fact, it pops up in new and interesting ways every year. But the anti-blackness path it was leading me down revealed the dead-end. I hate that Michael Brown's death is what introduced me to what structural racism is. Just like how Gaza is illuminating colonialism for me. In both cases I knew beforehand, but seeing just how interconnected they are to what's considered normalcy is.........................

I say all of this so I can circle back around.

For almost a decade now, I have been trying to distance myself from Gira and his music. While I have succeeded to a degree, I've had major upheaval in my taste of music within the last three years. Gira's art is still important to me.

Sometimes I wonder what that says about me.

I never listened to last year's album. Covid might stop me from ever going to any show ever again.

Have A Nice Life are coming in July.

I'd like to shake Dan's hand and tell him thank you for giving me the courage to buy a synth. I doubt I'll go.

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blogtaculous · 11 months ago

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Well, I did it. I went back and played Skyrim’s big DLC campaigns, and thankfully I finished it before 2024. I’ve got some thoughts, and many of them are negative.

But first, some background.

I got Skyrim around launch after getting an XBOX 360 for Christmas when my college roommate shocked the world by dropping out. A friend of mind recommended Skyrim, and it was my first Elder Scrolls game and first big RPG (aside from Two Worlds, which barely ran on the family PC and therefore doesn’t count). I loved it, as many did in those days, because it was a pretty big deal in 2011.

I would later get Hearthfire (it was the cheapest) and I liked that a lot, too. I miss that character, actually, and his home in Falkreath (RIP Gunnar, I wish I could export your save). I wanted to try Dawnguard and Dragonborne, but it wasn’t to be. I ended up with a copy on PC in 2016 or so and I tried to play through it again, but once I played Witcher 3 I just couldn’t tolerate Skyrim anymore. The reasons are numerous and they’ll come up later.

Recently, I moved my PS4 to my wife and I’s bedroom to facilitate our transition from streaming services to physical media. When we met I had her try Skyrim, her first video game experience like that ever, and it was very funny, so when I bought the PS4 I got handful of games for her to try if she wanted to get better (she would latch on to ESO, by the way), and Skyrim was one. This seemed like a good time to finally get through the DLC that I hadn’t had a chance at.

So, I’ve done it. I did the main quest, the civil war, then Dawnguard and Dragonborne.

The early hours were fun as a nostalgia trip. It had been years, and the rose colored glasses were in full force. But, that didn’t take long to wear off, and I can safely say that Skyrim, while it was revolutionary in 2011, absolutely does not hold up.

It’s ugly, the gameplay is bad, every system is completely mediocre, and the voice acting is poorly directed. The writing is just awful, the quests are forgettable, and it’s mismanaged.

Skyrim has been released on every console since launch and yet some bugs remain. Others have been fixed by modders (for free). There have been no improvements at any level since 2011, with some huge and even game breaking bugs untouched.

This part of the experience frustrates me the most. I hate that I have to rely on unpaid community labor to make this game playable. And, speaking of the community, let’s talk about paid mods and the creation club.

It sucks.

More specifically, it sucks to charge for mods (whose creators were likely not fairly compensated for their work), and it sucks that Sony doesn’t allow custom assets, but it ALSO sucks to bundle mods with the game. Why? Well, because a lot of modded content is only good because it’s a freely available labor of love, but once it becomes an inseparable part of the game it has problems. This is most evident with Saints and Seducers, a mod that’s outrageous and stupid.

In short, Saints and Seducers adds new bandit enemies, items, and pets. But it was clearly made by fans, not professionals, because it commits the cardinal sin of ignoring gameplay restrictions. The pets, for example, cannot be harmed. They are completely untouchable, which becomes a problem when they have bugged dialogue and cannot be dismissed (a bug that has persisted for three years). The items are ugly and out of place with the other weapon and armor sets. Also, it’s extremely stupid for the bandits to be invincible until the player goes across the exact right spot in the bandit camp. All things I expect from a silly mod that never ever should have been bundled with the base game.

And this stuff can’t be removed or disabled. Capital B Bad.

Anyway, I played a sword and board character this time because I’ve always wanted to. It is as unsatisfying as every build, because the combat system is shallow and bad. It wasn’t even good in 2011, really, and it definitely isn’t good now. Not much else to say.

Like all Bethesda games, there’s a thousand different systems but they’re all average. The world design and environments are really solid (except the colors, which are ugly), but everything else is so blah.

The DLCs are fine. The bad writing is back, of course. Dragonborne has some cool Cthulhu ideas and imagery, but the final boss fight is frustrating since the combat system is such a chore already, then it tries to be a multi-stage boss fight and they’re all the same. I always wondered why everyone loved Serana and it turns out it’s really because she’s basically the only NPC in the entire game who gets even a little character building.

Now that I’m finally through this last little chunk I can put Skyrim down for good, though this time without the nostalgia goggles. Considering the proceeding work (Fallout 4, Starfield, etc) I expect the next Elder Scrolls game to similarly be poorly written, badly designed, ugly, and safe. I’m sure it’ll also include the worst base building mechanics ever designed, excessive loading screens, and wooden characters as only Bethesda’s aging and decrepit game engine can provide.

The magic is gone, the ability is gone, and all that’s left is Todd “It Just Works” Howard’s poor design philosophy and Emil “I Can’t Do Branching Quests” completely worthless writing. Starfield was made for 12 year olds and the anodyne tastes of their parents, and ESVI will be the same. I have no faith in the future of Bethesda “RPG” development.

Like I said, mostly negative thoughts. I wish I could say the 31 hours I put into this last foray into Skyrim was worth it, but I’m not really sure it was.

#Skyrim #bethesda

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assassyart · 2 years ago

Note

Me again. Just curious. What did you think of the 2016 Ratchet & Clank movie? Assuming you’ve seen it I mean. I haven’t.

Ratchet & Clank: The Movie (2016) was one of the most disappointing turn of events that the series could go to. Looking back on the movie as a whole, it's completely filled to the brim with cringe and pandering.

To start off, I want to say that you are allowed to like this movie. But as a fan of the series since the beginning, and seeing how the existence of this movie alone spurred so many arguments in and outside the community, I have nothing but pure hatred for this film. Now let's get started.

This movie is not about Ratchet or Clank. This movie is about Captain Qwark and the two side characters that are hogging his screentime. I expected there to be a lot wrong with this movie when I went to see it in theatres, but Captain Qwark being the center focus is definitely not what I was expecting.

Captain Qwark poses as the main character in a movie that definitely shouldn't be about him, Drek is an insult to the original character, and Dr. Nefarious ruins the entire film which is actually impressive since Nefarious's presence alone usually makes everything better. You know the film is bad when not even Nefarious could fix it.

The new characters— Cora, Brax, Elaris, Zed, and Grimroth— are basic and nothing special. The only character added that fans seem to have latched onto it Elaris, but the rest are clear stereotypes and have nothing remotely interesting about them. Besides the fact Cora clearly has a Tachyon symbol on her forehead but the movie completely ignores that and she shows no animosity towards Ratchet. The voice acting is also atrocious from certain characters, Cora being the worst offender for me.

The story is laughable. It doesn't take a genius to realize that the writers of the games are not the same writers of this movie. The message about capitalism being the major cause of pollution because destroying the planet gives the hungry rich man more money was decided to be simply not interesting enough. So they threw away the original story for Dr. Nefarious Being Evil For The Sake Of Being Evil. A disgrace to Ratchet & Clank 2002's story that would apply to today's climate more than ever.

Ratchet and Clank themselves are extremely bare bones. Ratchet is unrecognizable, a shell of his former self. The famous Ratchet wit is completely lost on this character in exchange for an upbeat, super cheery fanboy pretending to be the Lombax we know and love. Because of this, Ratchet and Clank never argue and never actually develop to be friends. Clank spends more time buddying up with Elaris than he does with the supposed main lead.

I haven't even mentioned that in the original, Ratchet was the one to suspect foul play with Qwark, while in this movie, they changed it to Clank being the one to suspect it. Because no matter what game it is, Ratchet must be in the wrong.

There was one (1) moment Ratchet and Clank shared that I enjoyed, which would be the scene where both are in the ship and connected by the fact both crashlanded on Veldin without a name. That's it.

In spite of this, there was some good that came from this movie, and that would be the 2016 game. Do I like this game? Not at all, I hate it actually. Buuuuut it introduced a lot of cool people into this franchise, and for that, I do respect this game.

#asks #that one rac anon #i hate the 2016 game but i cannot completely hate the 2016 game or i wouldn't have met farorest #ratchet and clank #ratchet #ranting about ratchet

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blessednereid · 3 years ago

Text

Pity the Living

Daniel Sharman x Reader Series

A/N: The Much Requested, and By Requested, I mean @rogershoe wanted me to write this, MY DANIEL SHARMAN FANFICTION!!!!!! The character that Y/N plays is based on my OC for FTWD and is not an actual character in FTWD. Basic Premise of the setting for this chapter is that they're in high-school/ secondary school. But for the majority of the story(minus flashbacks) it's set in 2016/17 when s3 of FTWD was filmed.

Story Summary: When (Y/N) (L/N) reunites with a high-school friend on the set of the job she's been working on for the past 2-3 years, not only is she excited to work with the guy who inspired her to go into acting, but to hear about what he's done since she's seen him. But the more they talk, the more she realizes, this reunion is not going the way she had planned.

CW: Cursing? brief mention of alcohol, anxiety, mentions of food, fake dagger, fake blood, bets,

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

Career Day

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Most of the students around you were chorusing to the tune of your school anthem, but not you. You had heard the melody and sung it almost a million times. Whether you were exaggerating or not, not even you knew. Instead, you were whispering and laughing with one of your best friends, Daniel Sharman.

You met Daniel when you first came to the school. You didn't know many people. You didn't even know yourself in this place. It was a completely foreign experience, but he stuck by your side and showed you around.

Since then, you had made friends, joined the swim team, learned your way around the school without ending up in the boys' restrooms instead of the girls' ones. Despite not needing Daniel to show you around anymore, he still provided plenty of comedic support and pick-me-ups and was a great mate all around.

Your teacher had just finished introducing all the parents who were presenting at career day. The assignment being after the presentations were finished, you were supposed to think about what you wanted to be in the future. You had no idea what you wanted to be. But of course… Daniel did.

"An actor."

"An actor?" he nodded. "Like Macbeth?"

"No, Macbeth is a character. An actor is a person who plays the character."

"Why an actor?"

"Dunno. Just seems right."

You frowned. "Huh, that's nice. Knowing what you want to be."

"You could always try acting. It's worth a shot."

"Hah, if I ever tried acting, it would probably be when I'm old, senile, and look like Betty White."

"Oh, come on. You're a great actress!"

"What's that supposed to mean, Sharman?" you gasped.

"Just that you tell fibs and stories as if they were the truth. That's all acting is."

"I DO NOT!"

"How did you convince your mum that your dog jumped onto the table and ate the cake without making any noise last weekend, then?" You opened your mouth to speak before closing it.

"Cat got your tongue?" he teased.

"Shut up, Sharman."

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

L/N Residence

☆◦ 。／｜＼。◦☆

You and Daniel were both swimming in the pool in your backyard when Daniel asked you the question.

"Did you think about it?"

Still floating, you asked, "About what?"

"Acting."

You laughed incredulously. "You were serious?"

"Of course I was." He swam closer to you and pulled your leg down, making you flop around and splash water.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

"Was just trying to get your attention," he remarked innocently.

You coughed. "You had it."

"Picture this," he waved you off. "Us, on the red carpet-"

"Who's red carpet?"

"Does it matter? We'll be each other's dates anyways."

"Why is that?" you asked.

"Because we're best friends."

"What if one of us has a boyfriend or girlfriend?"

He shrugged. "Ok, whatever. We're on the red carpet separately. It's both of ours red carpet-"

"So, does that mean we're in a movie together?"

"Yes, Y/N," he muttered exasperatedly.

"But that's impossible?"

"Why do you say that?"

You leaned closer to his ear. "BECAUSE I'M NOT BECOMING AN ACTOR."

He jumped away from you, proceeding to splash you with water.

"Mark my words. I know talent when I see it."

You sighed. "Could this just be you not wanting to be lonely in the acting world?"

He jutted his lip and spoke in a whiny voice. "Maybe…"

You laughed before splashing a giant wave of water at him. While he still had water in his eyes, you dove under and pulled him down.

He flailed around before his head popped up, and he calmed down.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

"PAYBACK, SHARMAN!"

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

Announcement

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The intercom gave a heavy buzz, and static-y noises ran amok over the building before a voice actually came through the speakers.

"Hello, Teachers, Students, and Faculty. Welcome back to school. We hope that you all enjoyed your holidays and got the rest you needed to pay attention in class today," the last part was passive. Your principal gave more announcements for clubs and sports around the school, such as upcoming games or reminders for students to buy the school yearbook.

You were nodding along interested, or looking for interest really when something caught your best friend's attention.

"The school will also be hosting its first-ever play, Romeo and Juliet. Interested people should report to the music room before the end of the week to receive information."

You saw Daniel's eyes widen only moments before he spoke up. "Hey," he waved at you. "You should audition!"

"Daniel, are you insane?"

He chuckled, "No, but I think you'd like it."

You tried arguing, but he wasn't taking no for an answer. "You're the one who said you didn't know what you wanted to do after you graduated. Doing this cannot hurt."

"Yeah, it can't hurt until I trip on my costumes and break my neck!"

"That rarely ever happens," he said exasperatedly. "Ok, how about this? You audition, and if you end up getting a role and actually doing the play, I'll give you fifty pounds."

You squinted. "Do you even have fifty pounds to give me?"

"Do you even have to ask," he feigned shock in the accusation? You gave a sour face before he truthfully answered. "Fine, I don't have it now. But I will by the time the play comes around."

"What do I get just for auditioning?"

"I'll convince my mum to make that cake you like."

"Fine."

"BUT!" he exclaimed. "You have to audition for Juliet."

"You're kidding?"

He laughed. "No, I'm not. You have to audition for Juliet."

"I hate you," you mumbled before sighing a whispered 'fine.'

He gave a toothy smile. "Then we have a deal."

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

Auditions

☆◦ 。／｜＼。◦☆

You reluctantly walked onto the stage, Daniel's widening grin so visible in the audience. He said that he only put his name on the audition sheet so he could watch the auditions. He would've already been gone by the time it was his turn.

"Hello, My name is Y/n L/n, and I am auditioning for Juliet," your lips pressing into a straight line after saying the sentence.

You stammered through your first few lines. "Sh-Shall I speak ill of him— that is my husband?" You said with a laugh.

"Ah," you paused and clicked your tongue. "Poor my lord, what tongue shall smooth thy name… When I, thy three-hours wife, have mangled it?"

You said your following line in an accusatory manner. "But wherefore, villain... didst thou kill my cousin?" you said, though your voice squealed trying to pronounce 'didst.' "That villain cousin would have killed my husband."

"Back, foolish tears, back to your native spring!" Your voice rose and fell several octaves. "Your tributary drops belong to woe, Which you, mistaking, offer up to joy." Fake tears spring to your eyes, your voice cracked, and you began slowly falling against an invisible wall.

You looked down at your paper for what to say next. "My husband lives, that Tybalt would have slain; And Tybalt's dead, that would have slain my husband. All this is comfort; wherefore weep I then?" You wiped your cheeks dramatically.

"Some word there was, worser than Tybalt's death, That murd'red me. I would forget it fain;" your lips quivered, and you sucked in deep, heaving breaths before speaking your line.

"But O, it presses to my memory. Like damnèd guilty deeds to sinners' minds! 'Tybalt is dead, and Romeo--banishèd!" You shouted.

You stood back up in a startling jump, and with a proud smile, you said triumphantly, "And Scene!"

The directors and some students in the audience, especially Daniel, gave a round of applause before the director dismissed you.

You took the steps to the stage and sat next to Daniel as the director called the next student to audition.

"You were amazing! The director might as well have given you the role right then and there."

You laughed, "Hang on, charmer. There were a bunch of Juliet's who literally said that entire thing so… fluently. I stammered through the whole thing."

"But you showed more emotion than anyone else. You only had a week to prepare. The actual show will be like child's play."

"They want people who can memorize and recite. The emotion can be added later, but it's worth nothing if they forget their lines."

"There is such a thing called improvising for a reason," he reassured.

"Who in their right, bloody minds wants to improvise Shakespeare?"

He turned his head and chuckled before waving a five-pound note in front of your face. "Here, I got to go before they call me, but you earned this at least."

"Five pounds for being forced to audition for a stupid play so you can prove a point? Wow, you must really fancy me, huh, Sharman?" you said sarcastically.

"Goodbye, L/n," he whispered before sneaking out the back door of the auditorium.

"Alright, next up. Daniel Sharman!" The director shouted your friend's name a few more times before giving up.

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

Headmasters Office

☆◦ 。／｜＼。◦☆

A week after your audition, you were called to the headmasters' office. Thus is the cause of the curious looks from your classmates. Oohs and Aahs flooded your ears as you grabbed your bag and headed out the door to the front of the school.

When you got to the front of the building and went into the headmasters' office, you saw the Theatre director, Ms Parker, standing behind the desk. "Headmaster Leo allowed me to use his office to do this. Isn't that cool?"

Ms Parker was one of the younger teachers in school. She was twenty-four, and this was her first year teaching after receiving her bachelor's degree in education and a master's degree in music production. A fact she could astoundingly ramble about for fifteen minutes. As proven at the auditions.

"I didn't want to call you to the theatre room. That would be too predictable, correct?" You'd come to realize she was a very eccentric woman. "I have called you in here to inform you that you have been selected to perform in this year's play of Romeo and Juliet."

A wave of shock coursed through your body, and you were sure it reflected on your face. "Are you sure?"

"Darling, I'm positive!- your audition was totally spectacular! So brilliant-in fact- that I am completely sure in my choice to make you our female lead- Juliet!"

"What!" Your eyes widened into a blank stare. Your thoughts were running rampant in your mind. You thought that performing on the stage would be a breeze when you weren't the lead.

"Ms Parker, I didn't actually want the part of Juliet! It's just that my friend dared me to audition for Juliet! Is there no way I can get a smaller part? I'm no Juliet. The show would be ruined," you rambled.

The directors' facial expressions softened, "Darling, you are the only choice. None of the other people who auditioned can even compare to the amount of passion you produced in that audition. I am determined to have you as our Juliet."

You whimpered out an "Ok." Professors had a strange way of convincing you to do extra credit assignments or things that aren't necessary.

"We have a chemistry read for you and a few of our other choices for Romeo after school today. Do you need to contact a parent to let them know where you'll be?"

"Uh, yes, please."

After you made your call, you walked back to your classroom with shaky hands. The class period was almost over, but you had to tell Daniel that you had gotten a part in the show. Not just any part- THE PART!

You shuffled into the classroom reluctantly. All eyes were on you as every student had assumed you'd been in trouble. Either suspended, expelled, or told your parents were going to have a sit-down with the headmaster.

You took your seat next to Daniel before taking out a piece of paper and writing out a note, encompassing the words, "I got the part!"

You slid the sheet discreetly onto his desk. When he read it, his eyes widened, and he quietly moved his hands toward yours, beckoning for a high five.

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

First Rehearsal

☆◦ 。／｜＼。◦☆

After the chemistry read, the role of Romeo was given to a kid named James Mercer-Allen got the part. Though it was more because the directors were starting to become tired.

The next day was the first rehearsal. Swimming season was last semester, so there was no clash in schedules with the play.

"Alright, this rehearsal is to get acquainted with the stage, your fellow actors, and directors," she insisted. "Now, let's introduce ourselves. Can our Romeo please stand up?"

James stood up and gave a brief introduction. You were called on next. You stated your name, "I was on the swim team last semester, and I'm in my thirteenth year. I hope I can do this role justice."

More students stood up to introduce themselves. The entire process took more than thirty minutes.

The next thing to happen was that the rest of the students were called to recite lines for various roles. The only parts that had been cast preliminarily were Romeo and Juliet.

You and James had sat on the wooden stools unless there was a scene going on that needed Romeo and/or Juliet.

By the end of the first rehearsal, the majority of the speaking roles were cast. You went home exhausted but not expecting the conversation that waited for you.

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

The Talk

☆◦ 。／｜＼。◦☆

"We're moving?" you shouted at your parents from your seat across from them in the sitting room. "What do you mean we're moving."

"Honey, your dad got a job in the states, so we have to move," your mother argued.

"But what about school? No school will take me in the middle of the year, and it's my last year of secondary school. I don't want to spend the rest of my last year knowing nobody."

Your dad, the man of the hour, spoke up. "Dear, we're moving at the end of the year. After school ends."

"But- What about Uni?"

"You said you were taking a sabbatical year!"

"Yes, so I could intern in London!"

"Can't you intern in California?" Your mother whined.

"We're going to California? It's the furthest state?"

Your dad attempted to reassure you but failed. "Darling, it won't be that bad. Maybe you'll like it there more than you like it here!"

"I could never like anywhere more than I like it here!"

You agreed to go to your room and spent the rest of the day there. Later on, after you finished moping, you ringed up your closest friends to tell them you were moving. You did that until you were so tired you fell asleep on the phone with Sarah before you even called Daniel.

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

Confrontation

☆◦ 。／｜＼。◦☆

"Why am I hearing from everyone besides you that you're moving?" Daniel appeared out of thin air behind you, and the accusation was an assault on your conscience.

You could lie and tell him that you wanted to reveal that to him in person, or you could just tell him the truth- say you fell asleep. Mix-and-Match? You ended up just telling the truth. "I fell asleep when I was making some of my other calls. I was going to tell you, I swear!"

"Why didn't you call me first. I'm your best friend?"

"That's why! It was too hard. I kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off because I didn't want to tell you, I don't want it to be true, and telling you of all people would make it feel real."

"Why can't you stay for Uni?"

"I already told my parents I was taking a gap year. I didn't apply to any colleges."

"Crap!" he sighed. "Ok, well, we're going to have to make the most of it. And! You're getting a going away party!"

"Daniel, I don't need-"

"No debate! You are getting a going away party!"

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

Opening Night

☆◦ 。／｜＼。◦☆

Four months later, after all the rehearsals and memorizations of lines. After much running around the entire film department, it was finally opening night, and your nerves were shot.

You were scrambling all morning to find everything you needed. All your costumes were at the school, but you still needed to bring your black leotard, skin-coloured tights, and wear your hair in an up-do style.

You decided to do your skincare routine, but your panic got the best of you, and you forgot what every single product was used for.

Daniel came over and helped you get ready but found you practically hyperventilating.

Your parents drove you both to the theatre, and when Ms Parker told you that Daniel couldn't be backstage, you promptly told her that he was your emotional support. After much arguing, she finally let him backstage.

Around an hour before showtime, the director told Daniel that he had to go wait in the audience if he already bought his ticket or that he had to go do it now.

Before he left, he gave you a pep-talk. "Hey, so one time, I was in this play, and the idea was that I was expelled, and there was a piece of paper I had to give my 'mother,' but I lost it. So we had to improvise, but I couldn't find the paper, and I felt horrible. So just know, even if you forget your lines, you must improvise, and remember, it still probably won't compare to the embarrassment I felt that day. So you can laugh at my humiliation. "

You chuckled, "I will. Ok, go before you get in trouble."

"Ok, me, our parents and all your friends will be in the front row. I've already reserved the entire row. I brought a whole bag of jackets just for that reason!"

"You can't do that," you said in between cackles.

"For you, I'll do anything," he grinned.

A few hours later and the show was almost done. "What's here? A cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end," you wept.

"O, churl! Drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips; Haply some poison yet doth hang on them, to die with thine restorative." You leaned over James and let your hair fall to the side of your head to cover your face. You pulled back without actually kissing James.

"Thy lips are warm."

A whispery voice came from offstage, "Which way?" The cue for you to take the poison, which was actually cranberry juice.

"Yea, noise? Then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!" You grabbed the dagger and brought it near your chest. "This is thy sheath;" you drew the fake knife back three inches from your chest and stabbed it to where the bag of more cranberry juice was and punctured the bag. 'Blood' soaked through your dress. "There rust, and let me die." You fell dramatically onto the altar and waited for the scene to end as the crowd cheered.

After the show, you dashed into the crowd where your friends and family waited for you. Ovations and Applauses were passed, lauded boxes of chocolates and gorgeous roses were given.

When you got to Daniel, he practically tackled you with a hug. "I actually thought you died for a split second. The blood looked so real."

"Daniel, most people don't bleed that fast, do they?"

"I don't know but fear kicked in, and I couldn't make sense of anything."

You grinned and almost went to your parents before Daniel grabbed your arm. "You don't have a date to the Leavers ball, do you?"

"No, I don't. Why?"

He sighed. "Well, I was thinking that you could go with me. I don't have a date either."

You squinted, thinking there was some ulterior motive behind his actions. "Ok, I'll go with you if you give me the money you owe me before then."

"It's right here," he smiled.

Your face scrunched up, but you reluctantly agreed. You only had a month of school left, and you might as well spend it having fun with your friends.

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

The Leavers Ball and the Getaway Party

☆◦ 。／｜＼。◦☆

You were dressed in a light blue, pleated, Mikado prom dress that cut off at mid-thigh. You had black wedges on your feet and a black pearl-beaded bracelet on your arm.

You were wearing a half-up, half-down style that framed your face and a silver necklace with a circle-shaped diamond.

You were sitting in the parlour when Daniel rang the doorbell. He was ten minutes late.

"Sorry," he said when your dad answered it. "I know I'm late. I was picking up Kat and James."

Kat and James were your and Daniel's respective friends who'd started last year after you and Daniel introduced them.

"Hi," you popped out of the shadows. "Alright, Mom, Dad, we're late, so we're just going to get goi-"

"Wait! I have to take pictures! Go get Kat and James."

"No, Mom. No pictures!"

"It's only right. I just want a few. We can take it outside."

You sighed but reluctantly caved into your mother's will.

The four of you took pictures outside of Daniel's Jeep Wrangler. You took ones with silly faces, just girls, just boys, and ones with all four of you before your parents allowed you to leave.

You were forty minutes late, and the ball was already in full swing by the time you got there.

You got on the dance floor immediately because one of your favourite songs was playing, but the DJ switched the song as soon as you found a decent spot. It was a slow song. You chuckled, and Daniel put his hands on your waist.

"Well, this is awkward."

A few minutes later, Daniel posed an interesting question.

"Did you know that I had a crush on you when you first came to school?"

"Uh, you stammered. "No, I didn't know that."

"Yeah, I did. It was short, though. Surface-level."

"Oh," you said. "Should I take offence to that?"

"What?" His eyes widened in realization with what he said. "No, that's not what I meant. You have an amazing personality. I just meant that… I just meant I like you more as a friend than to ruin that with any of those feelings."

"Oh, ok. You wouldn't have, though."

"I wouldn't?"

"No, everyone needs an ego boost every once in a while."

"Haha!"

"And besides, I've had feelings for you at one point too. But it was very cliche, so I tried to shake it as hard as I could."

"Oh?" He raised his eyebrows. "And did you?"

"Like I said, as hard as I could. If it's still there somewhere, it's buried very deep, so much so that I was embarrassed."

"Embarrassed to like me?"

"I mean embarrassed to try and make my life seem like some movie."

"Oh, well, if you did, it would've just made you that much better as an actress. Speaking of that, would you consider acting in the least?"

"Maybe, now that I'm leaving, it's basically the last thing I have to connect me to you."

"No," he said, pointing to your bracelet. "You have that."

You had forgotten that it was Daniel who gave it to you, but the realization brought a smile to your face. "Oh yeah, I'll never take it off."

Later on, long before the ball ended, you saw many of your friends leaving.

"Hey, are you ready to go?" Daniel approached you.

"Where is everyone going?"

He wriggled his eyebrows. "Afterparty!"

"But it's not over?"

"Quit being a party popper and just come with us, L/N!"

You gave in, something you did a lot, and you all started driving. When you got there, you realized you were at Daniel's house.

"The afterparty is at your house?" you asked.

"Well…" James answered.

Kat joined in. "It's really an afterparty!"

"This is your going away party!" Daniel finished.

"But I'm not going away for another month."

"Well, now you have an entire month for people to give you gifts and stuff, and you don't have to worry about the party!" He reasoned.

"But why did it have to be after the Leavers ball?"

"Because you're already in a dress, and it has to be a surprise! Surprise!" Kat exclaimed.

"Alright, fine!"

The entire night you partied and danced, and though you didn't drink alcohol, plentiful amounts of pop and mocktails were passed around. The music was a delight to your ears with all your favourite songs. There were chips and pizza with all your favourite toppings.

"This party is awesome!"

Daniel grinned. "Well, I am an amazing party planner if I do say so myself."

☆◦ 。＼｜／。◦☆

Airport

☆◦ 。／｜＼。◦☆

Daniel's parents drove your family to the airport. Your parents had sold the car. Your dad would return in a week to close a deal on the house. Everything was official, and now you were leaving.

You got out of the car, and the tears forcefully began to fall.

"I'm really gonna miss you, jerk," you said disdainfully to Daniel.

He chuckled. "I'm going to miss you more."

"Impossible!"

He wiped the fallen tear from your eye, and for a moment, you could see every single multi-coloured speck in his eyes and noticed how sometimes they looked blue, and at others, they looked grey or green.

You noticed the curvature of his smile and the chisel of his jawline.You saw the hurt in his eyes that said, 'why do you have to go? You're killing me,' and wanted to never move from that position.

He continued to rub the tears that fell onto your cheek, and the sad moment was as sheltered as it could be. You felt safe with him, in his arms, just looking at his face and being reminded of how he comforted you in a place that felt as familiar as Oz felt to Dorothy.

"What am I gonna do without you?" you whispered.

"Get at least one acting job, get an assistant and an agent, I'll do the same thing, and then either one of us has our assistants reach out to our agents, so we get back in touch in case we ever lose touch."

He sounded so grave that you couldn't help but laugh. "That's assuming I do become an actress, Daniel."

"You're right," he whined. "But don't forget me."

"I promise."

And you tried to keep that promise. Throughout your first year, you interned at UCLA, working in the lab. You then applied to go to school there, and you still tried to keep Daniel in your mind. Maintaining a social life on campus combined with schoolwork already wasn't easy. However, you still wouldn't let yourself forget your best friend.

It wasn't until you entered your senior year and you were about to graduate that he started to wane in your memories. The things you did together became obsolete as new friends and memories replaced the old. The things he taught you were thrown out to make space for the new lessons you learned each day.

Even when you did become an actress, you never really remembered why you decided to. You remembered that your friend pushed you to do that play, but it was almost ten years ago, and for the life of you, you couldn't remember his name.

But you did do it, first as an extra, then a body double, and then you started getting l roles on smaller shows. But your big break was getting a quasi-lead role on the spin-off of a big television show, The Walking Dead. For two years, you enjoyed going to conventions and playing the complex character, Valeria Bishop, and you thought you had it all figured out.

But life has a funny way of coming full circle and throwing you a curveball that knows you off course and changes your life.

#Daniel Sharman x reader #daniel sharman fic #Daniel Sharman imagine #Daniel Sharman fluff #Daniel Sharman angst #very angsty #ftwd imagine #twd imagine #troy otto imagine #dylan obrien imagine #that last one is for exposure #I have no regrets

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canonicallysoulmates · 3 years ago

Note

Just saw your post about the post phase 1 Marvel movies and the meme you used for CA:CW. So I'm here to ask and get you cancelled. What did you think about the movie? Are you Team Stark or Team Rogers?

........................................................I knew this day would come......okay, let's get me cancelled!

I hate this movie, I hate this movie with every fiber of my being. Watching it was torture, it as the longest 20hrs of my life. It was like living out one of those very confusing math problems I started this movie at 10am somehow 6pm rolls around and there are still 2hrs left! Coño cómo?! I watched this with my mom, and when we checked how much time was left we were left looking at each other like 'que carajo what twilight zone bullshit is this?' It's one of those Marvel movies that I am so glad I did not waste my money on, I wish I could get a refund for my time but I made my choice and I shall now have to deal with it.

I hate this movie for many reasons but I'm not gonna make y'all wait any longer for what you're really here for because I know what y'all really want to know is whether I am Team Iron Man or Team Captain America. When it comes to the political aspects ie. the Accords, I am Team Neither.

Now, I cannot get into a comprehensive debate about the Accords because the writers did a shitty ass job, in a 2 and a 1/2 hour movie that felt like a lifetime, at explaining what exactly the Accords are in the movie universe. Emphasis on the movie universe, because I have seen debates go on in this motherfucking fandom where some people will bring up aspects from the comics Registration Acts but we're not talking about the comics okay, we're talking about the movies! And they're two fucking different things! And the movie did a shitty ass job at explaining what the Accords are, and that's one of the reasons I hate this movie: that it's so badly written.

But back to the point, which is where I stand on the teams when it comes to the politics, I am Team Neither because ultimately they were both idiots on how they handled this, and I think they both have good points like yes the Avengers and other superheroes should 100% be held accountable if they fuck up, the fact that they are superheroes and the "good guys" doesn't mean that their actions shouldn't have consequences but at the same time Steve's mistrust of the government and concerns that the team and others could be weaponized are also valid so I think they both have good points when it comes down to it and the smart thing to do - and in my opinion what would have made a much better film- would have been to come together and make like a counterproposal, decide on amendments, try to ensure they can get a representative so they have a voice on the table.

So, there you go when it comes to the Accords I am Team Neither however when it comes to the characters and their actions I am 1,000% Team Tony. At the end of the day he wanted to do what was best for both people and for his team, he wanted to keep the team together because he knew they were stronger together, and he was thinking long term not short term.

And then there's Steve who is an asshole in this film and completely lacks self awareness, cause there's a scene in the film after they've found out about the Accords where Steve goes "that's because he already made up his mind" about Tony and I'm just like bitch so did you, pot meet kettle, Rogers you knew from the get go that you weren't going to sign those papers don't go acting different and then like- here's the thing Steve has some very good points when it comes to the Accords but one of his points is that the UN is filled with people with agendas and agendas change which true but also motherfucker you yourself have an agenda! The whole Sokovia mess is an example that they cannot be trusted to hold themselves or each other accountable because inevitably the time will come where they'll want to protect their team mate like we see in this movie Steve do with Bucky, or how he wanted to protect Wanda because he looks at her as if she were a child not an adult. Steve, you lot are not exempt from having your own agendas and biases.

And through pretty much the entire movie, he has this whole my way or the highway attitude like this man does not know the meaning of compromise in this film, and he has such tunnel vision for Bucky- and listen! listen, listeeeeeen, I get it, I don't judge Steve for making his bestie a priority; I understand that Bucky is incredibly important to Steve, that he's the one person who's gonna look at him as just Steve and not as the Steve Rogers, I get that he carries a guilt over what happened to his friend, I understand he misses him, I understand all of that and respect the ride or die game but goddamn he was so focused on being a good friend to Bucky that he forgot about everyone and everything else and was a shit friend to Tony.

Actually a lot of people in this film were shit to Tony for no goddamn reason but Steve was such a shitty friend not telling Tony about his parents, that was a shitty ass thing to do and listen! I know what some of y'all are thinking you're thinking some version of 'he wanted to protect Tony' shut the fuck up. No, no, that's an excuse and it's a cheap one, you know damn well that was a shitty thing for Steve to do and y'all know damn well you would have reacted the same way Tony did if someone who you thought was your goddamn friend knew about something horrible that happened to people that were important to you and they never told you; that kind of shit hurts, and finding out someone you thought of as a friend doesn't care about you as much as you care about them hurts.

And y'all know goddamn well how emotions work, you know emotions aren't gonna wait for the rational brain to kick in don't some of y'all go playing dumb as if you didn't know this shit. Same way deep down all of y'all know Tony was holding his punches, that man gave Thanos a fight and got some blood if he had wanted to kill Bucky he would have. Don't none of y'all motherfuckers try to play games and act like you don't know this info.

Steve was a shit friend to Tony. Period. The least he could have done is have some empathy or compassion towards Tony when he saw his parent's being killed- and I swear to motherfucking god to the person who is getting close to their keyboard thinking of saying he showed compassion by not killing him back the fuck away from your motherfucking keyboard what did I tell you about playing stupid, this is properly tagged, stay in your fucking lane. Some of y'all be acting as if it were still 2016 and we're gonna be talking about that too, anon wanted my opinion on this film so now I'm going off.

Back to what I was saying, in some ways Steve wasn't a perfect friend to Bucky either cause he kept looking at Bucky and thinking of the guy he used to know but Bucky's not that person anymore, he's been through a lot of shit and it feels at times like Steve didn't fully realize that.

I hate Steve in this movie, I wanna punch him in the throat; he's an ass, he thinks he's above the rules, he's unaware of his own flaws, he might be a good friend to Bucky but that's it. I don't blame Steve though I blame the writers cause they're the ones who wrote him this way; moving on from Steve, I wanna talk about Wanda real quick, I don't hate the character of Wanda but I do hate the way she was written in this film, I hate that the writers expect us as an audience to look at this adult and think of her as a defenseless child who should be exempt from consequences, I hate that instead of actually doing something with her and exploring some interesting dynamics they just give her an AI boyfriend and a pinterest quote which sounds nice but falls flat especially considering she says said quote as she uses her powers (which is what people are afraid of) to send her love interest down several floors of a building. They could have done so many cool and interesting things with her, shame they didn't.

Another thing I hate about this film is what it did to the fandom, and how it was promoted because it was very much promoted as a pick your fighter, pick a side type of movie and after this movie came out I feel like the divide between Tony fans and Steve fans grew toxically and the effects are still seen to this day like some people really do be acting as if it were still 2016 and attacking others for what side they went with or for who their fav between the two is, and I'll be very honest a lot of the hate I have seen has been directed towards Tony and Tony fans. I hate that, I hate when TPTB deliberately pits fans against each other cause it just encourages a toxic environment.

Let me think was there anything that I liked about this film- wait, oh my god talking about all these other things I hate almost made me forget the thing I hate the most about this movie: it's pointless. Its existence is unnecessary; the biggest aspect of this film isn't the politics of the Accords, it's Steve and Bucky and how far Steve is willing to go for Bucky and have him by his side...but Endgame exists. The end of Endgame turns this film pointless, because the only true point of this movie is the relationship between Steve and Bucky that's the biggest takeaway from the whole thing, but then you have the end of Endgame where Steve just leaves Bucky.

I hated this film before I saw Endgame but after.....I never plan to watch Civil War again but if I did I'm pretty sure I'd self combust cause I'd be so angry I'd scream every time Steve appeared cause that son of a bitch ends up leaving; tears the whole team apart only to end up leaving his friend behind in the end.

I hate this film, I hate everything about it, well that's not true I love the Tony and Peter stuff, but aside from a couple of things I hate this movie, someone give me time stone I'm eliminating it from the timeline.

So, there you go those are my thoughts on CA: CW.

In conclusion, I am Team Neither on the Accords, Team Tony on everything else, Steve I still like you but this movie demoted you in my eyes and makes me wanna punch you in the throat.

#i clearly had a lot to say #anon do you see the pandora's box you've opened #anti captain america civil war #anti civil war #anti cacw #steve rogers critical #pro tony stark #mcu negativity #mcu fandom critical #wanda maximoff critical #anti steve rogers #i'm not anti steve but i did say this post would be properly tagged #non spn #anon #ask #long post

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soldiersweiner · 4 years ago

Text

Recs 1 (REPOST)

(Original Recs 1 has been deleted and is replaced with this new one that has far more less errors and more warnings)

Recs 1 is a compilation (or a personal table of contents) of all the fics I’ve reblogged since I started this sideblog back in 2016, this one will be from 2016 to 2018. I had to go through my tumblr archives to list down all the fics, you may also notice that there are some that not here anymore - I removed them since they’re non-existent according to Tumblr.

Created this to not only share the wonderful works made by these amazing authors, be it the simplest of their works, but because I also do a lot of rereading of my faves so it’s a win-win! I’ve linked the author’s/writer’s blog in case because my @ tags get wonky and would show an error :( (I will try to tag as much, but if tumblr limits, there will be a link to the writer)

All works linked here are completed unless stated otherwise or I wasn’t aware that it is in progress. All fics are arranged alphabetically because I like it neat that way lmao

ATTN: Minors, heed the warnings on each fic. You are responsible for what you consume on this website. Don't let the warnings go over your heads!

This blog reblogs 18+ content. This fic rec contains 18+ content.

For reference:

Title - Author/Writer

Work and/or blog with strikethrough means that it cannot be found or has deactivated (I think one of the reason for this is “The Great Tumblr Purge”) :(

X means untitled work, unless I was not aware that there was a title (please message me to correct it!)

Please feel free to correct me if you see any errors or blogs that changed their URLs so I can update this, and to the authors, thank you! <3 And to see your writing style develop from the very first work you put out to the newest is just wow!

Originally posted: 18 October 2020

Updated: 27 May 2021 because I finally was able to resolve my tagging issues

Recs 2 (REPOST)

Recs 3

Please let me know if the links aren’t clickable so I can fix ‘em! ^.^

BUCKY BARNES

DRABBLES/ONESHOTS

46: “I’m in love…shit” - @buckyskorpion

A Different Kind of Love - @imaginesinwords

A Hot Day at the Beach - @sebbys-girl

As You Are - @theunholygrails

Avengers Chatroom: Baby Shower - avengerschatroom

Avengers Chatroom: I Ship It - avengerschatroom

Avengers Chatroom: Overprotective - avengerschatroom

Avengers Chat Room: Waffles - avengerschatroom

Boner Puns - @rogerthat-bucky-blog

Braids - @assembletheimagines

Chase - @lowkeybxrnes

Coffee. Black. No Sugar. - demonsebastian

Come Back To Me - @avengers-x-reader

Countdown - imaginebucky

Cuddles - @basslinedweller

Daddy for a Day - @lenavonschweetz

Domestic - imaginesandshitposting

Drunken Love - @writingruna

Every Minute Counts - @littlemisssyreid

Finish - @almightyhollands

For Better, For Worse - @moonbeambucky

For the Sake of my Sanity - @creative-universe

Heavily Broken - @creative-universe

His Weak Spot - wndamaximofff

Hurt - @oneshots-imagines-and-that

I Hate You, I Love You - hahasteverogers

It Could Be Worse - @bucky-at-bedtime

Little by Little - @imaginethatcap (imaginethatcap)

Nervous - @fandomsloveimagines

Plums and Innocence - @avengers-trash (avengers-trash)

Positive - @marvelous-imagining

Relapse - @youlightmeupfinn

Stay With Me - @marvelandimagine

Surprise - lowkeybxrnes

The Letter - rogerthat-bucky-blog

The Name Game - @captainximagines (captainximagines)

There’s a Knife - marvelandassociates

Unspoken - @hellyeahbarnes

Wedding Night Memories - satanbucky

X - @fatbottombucky

MULTI CHAPTERS/SERIES

Arche - @sincerelymlg

Bucky’s Girl - @imaginewritings

Catch Me - @buckyywiththegoodhair

Ghostly Visions - @sebbys-girl

Most Wanted - @sgtjbuccky

Promise - @mrsbarnesomg

Regrets - sebbys-girl

Моя любовь | Я твой - @writingruna

Would You Be My Wife - @captainrogerss (formerly bovaria)

Of Games and Memes | Of Pictures and Videos - @bbbarneswrites

SEBASTIAN STAN

DRABBLES/ONESHOTS

A Night Not to Remember - lowkeybxrnes

Bite Me in the Ass...Literally - @wlntersldler (wIntersldIer)

Comic Con - @ravewood

First Impression - lowkeybxrnes

Jigglypuff - @ayeebucky

Laps and Naps - @beefybuffybucky

Not This Again - @writingbarnes writingbarnes (original link can’t be found :c)

SnapChat - ravewood

Stan? No, I think Downey - @youlightmeupfinn

Take 42 - @insphoeration

The C-Train - @peterparkerneverland

X - can’t find the exact blog :(

MULTI CHAPTERS/SERIES

Celebrity Crush - @buckyslightsaber

This section contains 18+ content as warned by the writers on their posts.

Minors, get out >:|

BUCKY BARNES

Multi-chapter/Series

14: “Did you honestly think I wouldn’t figure it out?” - @wakandasoldier

A Love that Never Leaves - @bitsandbobsandstuff

Petals & Bullets - @revengingbarnes

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olliya · 3 years ago

Text

Fic Writer Review - tag game

Thank you so much for tagging me @tuliharja! I’m still not quite mentally back to the fandom and tumblr... But I’m working on it!!!

1. How many fics on AO3?

30. There is a bit less on ffnet, because recently I kind of stopped posting there...

2. Total AO3 word count?

466416. Wow. A lot...

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Naruto - 28

Bokurano - 1

Jujutsu Kaisen - 1 (I tagged this single fic as JJK (Manga) and JJK (Anime) and now I have no clue why on my page it is listed separately, which gives impression that I have 2 fics in JJK and 31 fics altogether... Maybe I should untag JJK (Anime) or something...)

4. Top Five by Kudos?

The Last Ones Standing

Origin of the Never Seen

On Her Track (completely unexpected!?!?!!? A fresh oneshot so high? And the one published during publishing of Come Home marathon????)

Have We Met Before? (another oneshot, but that was for the event...)

Dreamt

Ok, I’m a bit shocked that Come Home is only 6th... That Veil is even lower....

5. Do you respond to comments, why/why not?

So, until half a year ago the answer would have been a crystal-clear YES. But I have to say that recently, especially after finishing of TLOS there were quite a lot of those complaining comments (esp. on ffnet) and seriously, if I had answered them, it would have been really sharp, so I held my tongue in many cases.

Also - and for that I really have bad consciousness - several very long and thoughtful reviews came very late (several months after the finish of TLOS) and I was already neck deep in Come Home and... I didn’t answer in time... I didn’t have time and mental space to write a suitable answer discussing all the points of the review. I am so sorry about that...

6. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Awakening is soo angsty, all of it, especially the ending. Maybe Wall has an angsty ending as well, but imo it is more scary than angsty.

Also both my non-Naruto fics are angsty as hell.

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

No. Somehow, I don’t see much appeal.

8. Have you received hate on a fic?

Nah... Some, imo ungrounded and stupid criticism, but that’s not hate.

9. Do you write smut?

Yup! Gladly!

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge. I once read a fic that had a plot veeeery similar to one of my oneshots (and it struck a wrong vein in me), but it was not that someone stole it... Just got overly inspired, I guess...

11. Ever had a fic translated?

Oh Yes!!!!! Huge thanks to all my translators!!! Actually, most meaningful and deep fandom interactions came through the translations of my work, so I am so unbelievable grateful that people took their time to spread my works.

@yomi-gaeru is translating TLOS to Chinese (it is posted on AO3 and on many other Chinese pages - I know Lofter is one of them)

Most of my fics were translated to Russian. Dreamt by LeeTaeKim, Veil over Their Eyes by Маленькая_девочка_ and last but not least, almost all the rest was wonderfully, patiently, carefully and beautifully (and sometime heroically as well) translated by @kotoffeya. Her page on fikbook where she posts the translations is here.

12. Ever co-written a fic before?

Kind of. @victoriacapo has so many ideas and they often somehow click with me in just the right way and I write them down. There is quite a list of them already: Price of Creativity, Wall, Dancing with the Stranger, Other Man’s Treasure, and last but not least Pass the Test.

13. All-time favourite ship?

Madara x Sakura!!!

14. What's a WIP you want to finish, but don't think you ever will?

Oh, Pass the Test lies so heavy on my heart... But I really cannot find the inspiration...

There is also another fic, WIP is a wrong way to call it becasue it is barely started, but it‘s a big, complex and daunting project and... I didn’t even really start. And I’m not sure if I will...

I also had so many ideas and started projects for the fandoms stats back then when I was doing a lot of it. But I don’t remember most of the ideas.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Hmmm... I’m not sure tbh. Maybe conveying emotions? maybe complexity of emotions?

Maybe someone can tell me?

What people did repetitively tell me is that I write Madara very well, that I write him authentic and IC. He is for sure effortless to write for me.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Lol, plots. Until recently I would have said ‘getting an idea’ but writing Come Home has healed me from that.

17. What are your thoughts of writing dialogue in other languages?

Well, I *am* writing them all in an *other* language, lol. English is *other* language for me. (Crying to tears about how anglo-centric this question is). And yes, I am uncomfortable writing casual speech. That’s also one of the reasons why I’m uncomfortable writing Modern AUs.

As for changing the language inside the fic - I don’t see really a purpose. There would have to be a really specific plot-reason for the inclusion of additional language for this operation to make sense.

18. First fandom you wrote for?

Naruto. I started writing in 2016.

19. Favourite fic you've ever written?

TLOS and Come Home. I am super proud of TLOS, and it is definitely my best work, but... I think Come Home wins. Even though it is *just* a collection of oneshots. But so much heart went into it, and - even though it is invisible to a bystander - there is a thread of themes, of certain logic that is strung through all these short stories and it is very precious to me.

Hmm, whom to tag... I didn’t talk to you for such a long time... maybe someone will still answer?

I tag traditionally: @yangssunglasses, @itsravencrone, @rhearenee-magane, @kendochick-moor @purple-possibilities, @sunsetbivd

#tag game

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personarevelation · 3 years ago

Note

ok king go off about kiibo now

GOD, there is so much to say about how people took Kiibo, but

I love Kiibo so much, I relate to him in a lot of ways or well.. In a way 2016 "me" has and now he's an alter, but a lot of people seemed to just chuck him out as like how they would with any autistic character and shaft him to being too childish or treat him like he's a LITERAL child that CANNOT FALL IN LOVE or be in love or else that's predatory. Sometimes they would make him out to be so fucking stupid like how they did with Gonta, god that's another story with Gonta! ESPECIALLY I WILL NOT FORGIVE HOW THEY DID HIM IN THE ENGLISH LOCALIZATION THAT WAS COMPLETE GARBAGE.

I hate how babied people treat him because I know for sure that Kiibo would fucking hate it too and hates being belittled and let alone hates the feeling of being patronized as he often voices. He voices a lot about his opinion and emotions since he has them! People assume he doesn't and plays a long but Kiibo is very emotional guy. HE LITERALLY shut himself entirely knowingly that he almost killed his creator Dr. Idabashi, even if that may be some "false thing" that we were all lead to believe, it may be true since he was made for this game unfortunately and he learn that to the very end.

Kiibo is more than just how people assume him to be and he really wants to be accepted as them because he QUITE clearly knows he's different and he boast a lot about his features since he wants to be accepted and how much use he has since he loves his classmates a lot even Ouma despite how much Ouma teases him and ask about his parts. Ouma is just a curious creature. In my honest opinion, I still don't like Kiibo and Miu because it makes me uncomfortable, but that's just me and wanted to say that lol.

Kiibo is quite obviously very sacrificial especially learning the truth and I feel like if Ouma was ever alive after that chapter and talked to him, they would all believe Ouma made Kiibo do it when this was entirely under Kiibo's own volition. Kiibo even made it possible to have Saihara, Maki, and Yumeno to live because he wants hope to live on and to not have their stories to die with them.

He wants to protect his classmates 'til the very end, he felt guilty and awful on how he was created by the very company that took away his classmates that he was getting close to.

People think that Kiibo isn't capable of love either and I don't know what is this trend of characters I like / relate to often characterized as not being "smart" enough for love or capable of it when they very much are since it's evident how much Kiibo wanted to be close to Saihara with how affectionate he says his name and the love hotel scene. He very much in love with Saihara.

Everyone seems to act like fandom characterized Ouma to Kiibo, when knowingly that Kiibo fucking cared about Ouma a lot more than Ouma knew. It still distraught him immensely seeing how Ouma ended up being and knowing how and why it happened probably added MORE to his reason on sacrificing himself and destroying the school than people think about.

People also write him off as a BIG baby, when this guy is fucking blunt and can be, he often doesn't read the room, but he isn't really so squishy in terms of emotions.

#toriibird #My head hurts because he woke up but this is so fun to write

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fallingsunflower · 3 years ago

Text

BESTIES I'm so sorry - I hit my post limit waaaay earlier than expected! Some of y'all joined me on my backup account, (which I also hit the limit on lmao), but I'm back now.

I had over 400 asks to go through and I'll give you a warning that not all of them will appear (either because they were old or because they were topics we already answered). But here is a giant list of asks I compiled for you from when I wasn't allowed to post lol they don't really require my response but I found them entertaining to read. Hope you don't mind I've just put them all together in one post. It's also to save me from using up my 250 posts lol

"this is all so embarrassing like my god imagine when the promotion of the movie starts how horrible it will be for other people who made the movie too"

"SELL UR TICKETS TODAY WATCH THE MOVIE ILLEGALLY, next article we’ll be talking about these two assholes filing for bankruptcy. cheap harlots. don’t mess with your meal ticket."

"hate to say it but i defs think they‘ve got a sliver of the gp’s attention for five minutes"

"I am scanning through all these photos looking for just ONE where he looks like he's smiling and enjoying this. It's so crazy."

"I guess those are all the pics we’re getting right now. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they finish the Italy trip off with one more major Backgrid photo shoot."

"Olivia’s trending on Twitter but not Harry. Like it’s obvious who’s getting the PR gains here!"

"If they dont give us a 6 month or more break after this im gonna need them to pay for my therapy bills from now on bc of this damage no joke let me crawl back into my shit hole now 😑"

"The palce they at is referred to as “tuscanys best-kept secret”. Everyone point and laugh."

"she looks like she’s enjoying all of this. he looks like he wants to push her into the water."

"a few people said he’s keeping his shorts pulled up or covered in all the shots because of the Nike branding which they ask to not get photographed. What a setup."

"Man I knew the second those Tomdaya pics came out of them kissing and how they were trending so fast that HO were going to do something to 'top' them. Its pathetic /// FRRR. she probably hoped for the positive reactions that people gave tom & zendaya but unfortunately, miss girl got the opposite. when will they realize that nobody, but his fans, find them cute lmao can they just stop, it’s so embarrassing 😭😭😭"

"He really out here doing this with someone who almost old enough to be his mother, shiiiiiiiit. Sickening. Sick of these 2 for real now, i was fine with the good old blurry back content and whatnot but this? Crossing a line here nobody wanna see that shit and knowing how people feel goooooood damn."

"I aboslutely despise kendall for obvious reason but this one is actually worse than the hendall one bc you couldnt really see as much as now dis gos tang."

"She’s also wearing the cross necklace again. I feel like if that was so meaningful to her she wouldn’t risk loosing it in the ocean 🙄"

"guys have eyes on tmz. I Do not have tw now. they were so aggressive towards them"

"I'm sorry for Harry because you lost your damn mind bro"

"Now why the hendall pics are better ?? NO SHADE BUTT"

"I’m genuine confused like do they actually want dwd to flop or what? I just threw up in my mouth I sure as hell ain’t gonna watch their sorry ass movie. Is it supposed to flop? I’m so confused!"

"The match was not interesting enough so they cooked up something different especially since people were pointing out how they staged the PDA. And the page 6 article is out already!!!"

"Who the fuck thought this was a good idea"

"Is it just me or does harry's face looks really blank for someone out on a Romantic date with his alleged girlfriend.?"

"if thats it, harry hasn’t no game🤣🤣🤣🤣"

"so this is why the tabloids weren’t talking about the match pics! they didn’t have any value on their own. now with the yacht pics? my oh my they’re gonna get the clicks of their lives. her team was prob like “wait a sec we got something for y’all”"

"If they were models hired to act like a couple they wouldn't get the job......"

"Not them starring right at the camera in some of them help make it less obvious will you"

"HENDALL🤣🤣🤣is that uuuu"

"Harry’s ass crack thought it should make an appearance too."

"What a great day for team PR, happy Monday you guys! Let's pop the champagne 🍾🍾🍾🍾 P. S. They both need acting lessons, tbh"

"It’s quite interesting how everything that’s happened before I’ve seen predicted weeks/and in advance on blogs or fan accounts. Like his life has always been so predictable but damn"

"He was hiding the Nike check. That’s why his swim trucks are rolled up to an absurd degree even for him. He knew he was gonna get photographed."

"What I’m noticing is wether people like them together or not, everyone’s saying they’re aren’t a hot couple…there was more chemistry in the Kendall pics by far"

"i also find it weird that he’s not smiling in any of the pictures and it would be one thing if there were five pics from ten minutes of time but there are like 70 from an obvious extended period of time"

"It's interesting everyone involved is being Team Try Hard. Yet the universe says no. The last set of pics, Tom and Zendaya overshadowed. People even paid more attention to Angelina and the Weekend (even if business possibly). Fast forward to today and all this fakery only for Gwen/Blake to tie the knot. His team needs to get a clue. She needs to go. Harry needs to clean this up fast."

"Ok i looked at one hugging pic and one kidding pic and they could not look more stagged. It looks unatural ,strange and weird from all angles. You can clearly see from their body posture they are posing for a photographer from backgrid."

"Like I said in my ask a couple days ago the day we get kissing pics is the day that I believe this is all a stunt and I was right. They took a page out of hendall 2016 and it’s looks so forced and awkward. Hendall did it better cause at prater they had chemistry. They must be scared this movie is going to tank because they are pushing this way too hard"

"Real, PR, or whatever relationship it is, they’re fucking boring. You are on a yacht in Italy, can’t you have a little bit of fun? I can’t believe how boring they are, I just can’t. Even if it is just PR, can’t you make a fucking dumb joke so you can laugh or something? Do they have anything in common like to talk about or discuss or make fun of? I’d literally killed myself if I looked like that in a relationship. They are not communicating in any photos we’ve got. They are just walking, or sitting. Even when they hold hands or kiss or hug, they never communicate."

"okay but did ya’ll see the pic of her diving in?? i can’t stop laughing 😭😭😭😭"

"they look horrifically awkward i cannot believe what harry is doing"

"“HEY PAPS COME GET A PIC OF US KISSING TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP MORE BELIEVABLE!!!!!”"

"his ass is hanging out and her bra is almost off what in the hell"

"Hqs on a yacht like that? Mhmhmhm hmmmmm / I bloody well hope that’s not the extend of their acting. That’s dire! 🤦‍♀️"

"this is literally the most predictable “couple” to exist. first, people talked about them showing up the game, and they did. second, people were just talking about kissing pics... AND THEY JUST CAME OUT LMAOOOOOO"

"annnnnnnnnnnnnd there it is. YOU KNOW THEY KNEW THERE WAS A CAMERA."

"ok but where’s the pda or did that get made up? cause these have to be the most awkward pics i’ve ever seen which makes me feel better 😂 also i can feel the meme’s coming with the one of her diving off the boat"

"I call it how I see it they are both assholes and full of shit. Like do your fake kiss somewhere else I do not want to see it!"

"Can they at least act like they’re having a good time?"

"hahahaha I can't stop laughing with that photo of O it's literally her knowing she's being photographed and diving into a professional swimmer style😭"

"the pics are so organic that Olivia is looking straight at the pap before kissing Harry."

"he looked a lot happier with kendall in their yacht pics compared to today’s. i know that was PR too, but he was very smiley and seemed talkative. with this girl it’s like the complete opposite lmao."

#this is also good visual proof for how many people are on team PR lol

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z-007 · 3 years ago

Text

A Journey of Sadism (mental and physical)

I was born in the 21st of April 1992, in Jableh-Latakia. But, since my father was an employee for Total French company in Syria, I grew up in Damascus. At the age of 4, I was diagnosed with Diabetes type 1. It was very hard for me at the beginning when I was a child, and my mother suffered a lot, giving me insulin injections, which I found painful at that time, and analyzing my blood sugar to inspect what did I eat if the result was soaring sky high. I hated her at the beginning, simply because as a child, I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. At 8 years old I went to a school that is Sunni Islamic Pre-Historic School in Dummar called -Young Scientists- something that I discovered later on to be ironic. In Syria, If you weren’t good at school, you were cursed, you became like a Boxing Heavybag. They also used Falakas, the art of whipping feet. It didn’t stop at that, simply because parents became part of this process too, using any tool at their disposal in beating their child, chair, water hose, hammer, clothes hanger, electric cables, let alone being slapped on the face in a way that I started feeling my bones were shaking, and my eyes will throw fire, or kicked in your head and started bleeding. All of this, was because my marks in Arabic, mathematics, history and geography were not good except in English. It was the best language to understand for me, and the subject in which I saw myself to be a good student. As a consequence of that, I started losing control and cause trouble to my so-called teachers at that time. Luckily in 2001, I found my sanctuary that took to a completely different world. It was the first time I saw James Bond in GoldenEye. I was so thrilled by the action sequence, the theme of betrayal and everything about it was cool. This was a turning point in my life to become a Bond fan. I also learnt how to sing rap songs like Faint for Linkin Park, and Bleed It Out. And all of my father’s friends who were French, British and Americans were impressed. It was something that I remember with a loving memory to those people. Later I watched the rest of the Bond films and the happiest moment in my life was when I found the complete DVD set in Tartus. Simply because no DVD store in Damascus had the complete set except one who was also our neighbor. The curse of buying films in Syria was that they were badly used CDs at the bloody beginning. It was very rare to have a CD converted from an original DVD. This greatest franchise in the whole world has sealed my internal wounds for not being a good student. Ironically, the mental case of mine came back to me when I was at High School, especially it was a time that determined who I am, luckily it passed with no harm to me, because a single mark changed future to some students .I forgot to mention, that the school principle when I was at the ninth grade, didn’t stop calling my parents and telling them not to spend a single penny on me, because he thought I will never be successful. But I brought a mark that was better than his children’s. In 2010, I became a student of English Literature in Damascus University, I remembered that I was not a bad student at that time with an average of 80 percent. But the Syrian Crisis began in 2011, the press was already screaming for blood and the political unrest escalated to the extent that we had to change residence. This was the bane of my existence to open my eyes and find myself in Latakia. I was simply cursed and hostile, because I didn’t speak like Alawaits, their accent felt like starving dogs, in other words, they bark. They are trivial, shallow minded wankers who had nothing inside their heads except clothes, mobile phones and narrating a fairytale about themselves having sex with girls and a horny 40-year-old women they come across and imagining penetrating their vaginas and sucking their nipples. I registered in Tishreen University at third year, I managed to transfer my documents to that platonic place. The professors didn’t like me, simply for participating in their lectures, and the fact that I spoke French, Spanish and a little bit Russian. As a consequence, I kept failing at University over and over. Moreover, I had different ideas, and University Professors are bigots and snobbish. Their opinion was the only one that matters. The impact of the mentioned earlier, had made my pain started with breakdowns, screaming my head off and security gathering around me like” what happened to you?”. Added to that, emotionally speaking, I had a horse sex drive in that Mohammadian society. Girls dressed in a way that said to male students, “come to me.”. The majority of women at that city showed their breasts, waist, legs, and what attracts me most their feet, especially, high heels, that gave them a very elegant look. For my good fortune, all I had in front of me was Pornographic DVDs and websites, so I kept masturbating from 11:30 pm until 10:00 am from night to daylight. Still wondering, how men attracted them, I didn’t have any idea, and the question kept circulating. I also hated the idea of marriage, especially that I always loved to live my life the way I fathomed. I didn’t like the idea of getting buried alive by being a bloody father and spend the rest of my life with only one Angry Factory, aka, one woman. The psychological problem kept increasing and started with depression; taking anti-depressants for a while and go back to my normal life when soothed down. I kept taking them every now and then. Students were not allowed to know about their mistakes at any cost, this was a University rule. Self-doubt has caused me to go to a neurologist who started doing me brain scans, simply, I just wanted to know why am I that stupid, for failing continuously and still I didn’t get an answer. I was always deprived of sleep, studying my arse off and my professors didn’t care seeing their students DIE and SUFFER in front of them. Everybody panicked from me, always avoided seeing me, treated as unusual man. At that time, due to the fact that I kept taking anti-depressants, they became ineffective and stopped giving me relief. Part of what killed me thousands of time when I’m still alive was realizing that I cannot become an MI6 agent at any cost. I simply wanted to do 1 % of what James Bond did, take notice, that I was not pursuing women, I was looking for action and suspense. I wanted to be stationed in the heart of ISIS or Spectre and operate in the shadows to protect Queen and Country. I didn’t like Hasan Nasrullah, Vladimir Putin who looked like a Bond villain or Ayatollah bloody Khomeini, even Ali Bin Abi Talib himself, and that’s why I was also crucified for being a James Bond fan. Family and friends made a laughing stock out of me. I started dinking excessively, and suicidal thoughts kept recurring to me. They didn’t stop driving me to bring a razor and wound myself to death, it wasn’t the MI6 job that destroyed me the most. It was self-doubt. Doubting my brain efficiency and abilities, and especially that I saw students whom I thought less capable to express themselves in English than I am. My family tried to see the professors in Tishreen University-Latakia, unsuccessfully. I simply couldn’t have any idea what is the main reason I kept failing over and over. How could I develop myself without knowing my mistakes?!!, I later told some people that I wanted to be an MI6 operative, I thought that might sooth my tension, however, it got things worse. I started attacking the professors while giving their lectures orally and physically. I also broke the classroom washbasin, and the entire classroom windows, then security staff gathered around me after 3 minutes, they were about to send me to an unknown destiny, later, everything stopped after the head of the English department told them not to take any action. The last problem I did was with World Literature professor, whose name is Noor AL Araby, she was a real bitch, I remembered studying her syllabus for a month, she told us that Virginia is not required for the exam, and she brought it. As a result of that, I wrote her three pornographic stories on the exam paper. Stories people see in Brazzers and Naughty America (Porn films companies). Everybody got pissed off, the story was about to be dragged from my house to a security branch for torture. Luckily, my uncle who was a Colonel in the Republican Guard he had connection to the President of the University, told the professor to drop out the case, but she was persistent to have my balls for Christmas decoration. She spread what I wrote her on the internet and about to send them to newspapers. My parents begged her not to and we had medical reports that proved that I had neurological and mental case. Then I was suspended from the University for years, from 2016, till now. She did all she could to destroy me to the utmost level. I was happy when I realized she got very agitated. Especially, there were students confirming that exam questions were paradoxical to the things she lectures about.

Suspension Time

At the time I was suspended it was a slow killer for me. Literary, I realized that I was the worst student in the history of the planet. I decided to follow Boxing, I remembered that I was fit enough for the game. I found out that I did well at round bouts on the ring. I could do sparring sessions, shadowboxing…etc. I was able to run at least 10kms per day, 300 sit-ups, 80 press ups and 20 pull-ups. I tried to be a champion but every time I kept persevering, in addition to that my left palm was broken and my right eye was wounded. I got cold and sick, and I realized that I had to spend at least 2 months with vaporizers, fertilizers and strong meds. I kept striving in Boxing with no success. I lost confidence in myself and felt humiliated. I said to myself, why didn’t I choose to work for the Syrian Secret Service, I went to the branches, and when they saw that I was discharged from the military because of diabetes type 1, they asked me to get lost. I was surprised when I found out that my dentist was an officer in the Ariel Intelligence in Syria, I told him the story, he said “this is not your fight, you might think that you can do well in the field, but your enemies are smarter than you, they know how they can take you down and destroy you once and for all. Second, we had people who kill targets, who can do silent killings, detonate and sabotage, whether male, or female, but they have nothing to lose, their parents are killed and very poor, working to make money, and you are a discharged, rich bastard and you want to join us. I’m surprised when you told me that. I was a James Bond fan like you, but believe me my friend, that the real intelligence work will never come up to your expectations. Once the film you watch finishes and the novel ends, go back to reality, what you look for does not exist. I realized that I couldn’t become an asset for MI6, or any spy agency in this world, I felt that I was under surveillance by my country. I knew that they could look at my messages, trace my location any time they wanted. That was not the real problem, suicidal thoughts and self-punishment ideas didn’t leave me. So, I talked to my uncle to send me to the Special Forces, or any Military Barracks to become a martyr, to take the bullets to my chest. I remembered when I drank wine bottle on my own, I told my parents that I wanted to wear a C4 charge belt and blow myself up inside ISIS. They were horrified, then I was unconscious and within minutes, I found myself inside the clinic, after I told my problem to the psychiatrist, about MI6 dream and the doubt that I’m under surveillance. He told my mother that I’m a Psychotic. I was injected with needles and medications that made me feel like cutting my head off. He also sent me to Damascus for electro-therapy (to take electricity directly to my brain). I also became a field of therapy by my Doctor, he was testing medications on me like Invega that made me shake while standing up. Hence, he decided to give me Zeldox 60 mg, second generation anti-psychotic. My only comfort was when I slept. Waking up to life while taking those meds was a curse. I lost my sexual drive (libido), I remember feeling dizzy all the time, I remember calling the doctor every time when I tell him about the side-effects concerning dizziness and loss of sexual drive, he kept telling me that what you say is incorrect and that it didn’t have any symptoms. By miracle, my father brought me lower dosage medication, life changed for me. I knew cat-houses in my city, every money woman I went to for an intercourse, they took a lot of money. They were abusing me. The sluts didn’t make me enjoy the intercourse the way I wanted. They were controlling me as well, and this is why I left them. After I told my psychiatrist that I reduced the dosage, he said that my condition will deteriorate. He confirmed to me that Chemistry in my brain was not right, then I told him to screw himself. Reducing the dosage had an effect as well. I remembered at a certain time that painkillers were like a bag of peanuts for me. And when night came I felt incredible fever in my head. I felt like being boiled alive. And I kept seeing nightmare afterwards, voices telling me that I will pay the price of reducing the medication dosage. Complete terror and horror kept chasing me for a very long time. After recovery, I logged into the James Bond groups on Facebook, they made me trivia to answer, did me a test about the James Bond 24 films from Dr.No 1962 to Spectre 2015. After I answered them all correctly, they called me Agent 00Zein. Made me an admin, and I had many friends from all around the world. In the 5th of October the global James Bond day , I celebrated with millions of the franchise fans. My great father, brought me a modern computer and IPhone X to follow up with these groups.

Nowadays, I’m not looking for immigration, nor women or anything else in this world. I have chosen to help my parents when they grow old, and help them. This is the best way I can pay them back. I decided to watch films about espionage world, read books, imagining the events and enjoy it fully and get my arse back to reality.

This is the only way; I cannot be punished.

I can imagine myself a soldier of 30 Assault Unit in Ian Fleming’s room 39 in WW2, or talking with Sir Alex Younger about my mission in VX or Whitehall. If not Sir Alex Younger, it could be Admiral Miles Messervy, Admiral Hargreaves, Madame Olivia Mansfield, or Lieutenant Colonel Gareth Mallory. And realize that” It was a matter of pride that the 00 Section has been chosen for this test. This painful experience kept coming back sometimes, notwithstanding, I have chosen to take with a pinch of salt, lol.

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