#i hate that sentence why did i say that jesus christ

[coff33andb00ks]

Rule Breaker - Pt 7

pairing:max Verstappen x single mom!reader x logan sargeant {masterlist}{prev} {next} warnings: cursing, minimally proofread Summary: you can start a family who will always show you love, you don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own word count: 4.7k auth.note: this was supposed to have smut in it but the smut gods have abandoned me spotify: i made a playlist

He was watching her.

She swallowed anxiously as she poured water from the kettle into the mugs. Of course he was watching her. He hadn't taken his eyes off her since she'd opened the apartment door. And of course she was making tea, because it was too late for coffee, and she also knew he hated coffee.

You're just a coworker.

Except he wasn't. He never had been, not since taking it upon himself to show her son cars at the factory. Not since he'd listened to her like no one had before. Not since…

He'd so seamlessly stepped into her and Kevin's lives, helping without being asked, and asking nothing in return.

Licking her lips as she watched the tea steep, she closed her eyes.

She could still taste him.

Gentle, tender, everything he never showed the world. As though she was precious and perfect. As though her lips were his place of worship. Her lips parted to gasp, surprised, and—

He shifted and her eyes snapped open. He was still there. In her kitchen, leaning against the counter just a few feet away. Her heart hammered in her chest as she picked up a mug after stirring in a little sugar and held it out to him.

"Y/n," he whispered.

"I'm not allowed to kiss you."

He'd said that weeks ago. Over a month ago. She sucked in a breath and finally turned to face him. "What changed?"

To his credit, he didn't play stupid. He took a sip of the tea and turned the mug in his hands. "Nothing changed."

"How can you say that?" Gripping her mug, she forced herself to take a sip.

"I'm sor—" Max cut himself off and pressed his lips together. "No, I'm not sorry. I've wanted to do that since… Since I met you."

Y/n took another sip of her tea. It wasn't sweet enough, but she couldn't bring herself to move to get some sugar. All she could do was stand there, holding her mug tightly and sip, staring at him, floored by the revelation that he'd wanted to kiss her for months. "You said you couldn't," she whispered.

"I still can't." His voice was strained, as though it hurt him to say it.

"Jesus christ," she groaned. "Max—"

"You're with Logan."

She froze, slowly raising her eyes to his. "Yeah," she whispered. "We're… Figuring it out as we go."

He winced slightly. "What's there to figure out?"

"God, Max." Why did he care? "Everything."

"Little mate worships him."

She shouldn’t say it. Don't say it don't say it don't say it don't— "He worships you, too."

Max shook his head. "He—"

"He called you Daddy. He's never even…" She reached up, angrily brushing the tears from her eyes before they could fall. "He's never cared about not having a father until recently. He asked months ago why he doesn't have one and I told him not everyone does and he was okay with that. Until…"

He stepped closer, taking her mug and setting it with his on the counter.

"I've fucked it all up," she gasped. "I've done the worst thing haven't I?"

"Y/n, no," he murmured.

"I'm supposed to protect him from heartache and pain. But I let him get close to you and you…" She couldn't finish the thought, much less the sentence. If there was one thing she was sure of in her messed up world it was that Max would never hurt Kevin. She wasn't stupid, she had put together the pieces and figured out that he'd been abused as a child, whether he saw it that way or not. But he had only ever treated her son with gentleness.

"I won't hurt him," Max whispered, and she sensed rather than saw the tremble in his fingers as he brushed her tears away. "I could never…"

"I know," she breathed.

"Don't…" His fingers lingered on her cheek, and the look in his eyes was almost desperate. "Don't lock me out, y/n."

"Have you met my son?" She sniffled. "He'd tear the door down for you."

He smiled sadly. "Would you let him?"

"Yeah," she said after a moment.

"You haven't fucked it all up," he murmured.

"I feel like I have." His fingers were still on her cheeks, even though for now there weren't any tears. But she didn't mind. They were warm and tender, almost lovingly caressing her. And she wondered what it said about her that in this moment she didn't care about anything or anyone else.

"Mama?"

Max's fingers stilled on her cheeks at the sound of Kevin's voice. Before either of them could move she heard the patter of Kevin's feet entering the kitchen.

"Mama, I—" Kevin gasped. "Mister Max?"

He pulled back and turned. "Hey, kleine maat… You alright?"

Kevin rubbed his eyes as he shuffled over. "Had a bad dream," he mumbled.

Y/n was half a second too late to scoop him up, and she looked on as Max lifted him up. Reaching over, she smoothed her son's curls. "You wanna talk about it, doodle bug?"

Kevin shook his head, settling comfortably against Max's shoulder. "'M'okay, mama," he promised.

Max shared a look with her over the top of Kevin's head. She could practically read his thoughts – he's alright – and nodded. He rubbed the boy's back in a soothing manner and she let herself enjoy the quiet warmth of the moment. Standing close as Max held her son, she listened to him gently murmur comforting words while she continued to smooth his hair, smiling fondly as she felt Kevin relax.

She felt a flicker of hesitation when Max offered to tuck him in, but didn't object. Leading him to the bedroom she shared with Kevin, she opened the bathroom door when he murmured he had to go, leaning in the doorway while Max set him down by the toilet.

No wonder Kevin looked to him as a father figure. He was so natural at it, so patient and kind.

Everything a father should be.

He carried him into the bedroom, squatting down next to the toddler bed to settle him and tuck him in. "Welterusten, kleine maat," he whispered.

Kevin blinked at him. "Is that goodnight?"

Max nodded. "Welterusten."

Y/n picked up her son's stuffed Snoopy and leaned to place it next to him while he practiced saying the word.

"Welterusten, Daddy. Goodnight, Mama," Kevin murmured, eyes already closing. "Love you."

"Goodnight, sweetie. Love you," she whispered, blinking back tears.

Max seemed frozen for a few seconds, but he finally straightened, dragging a hand over his face as he left the bedroom. She followed him out a moment later, pulling the door almost completely closed behind her. Pausing outside Ellie's door, she continued through the apartment to the kitchen when she heard no sign of her friend being awake.

He was leaning against the counter, his expression troubled.

"Max," she whispered.

"Where's his dad?"

Surprised by the question, she paused, rubbing her hands over her thighs before stepping over to pick up her tea. "I don't know."

"Does…" Max exhaled harshly. "Tell me it's none of my business."

How could she tell him that? "It's not, but… If Kevin's tearing the door down for you, you should know, I suppose."

"Does his dad know about him?"

"Only that he exists." She couldn't have this conversation standing. Motioning for him to follow her, she headed into the living room, sitting in the corner of the couch after he pushed away from the counter. "He wanted nothing to do with a baby."

Max made a face of discontent but said nothing as he sat next to her.

Holding her tea with both hands, she pulled her knees to her chest. "He wanted me to have an abortion. And I was going to… I was still on the outs with my mom, working two jobs to pay my bills, I couldn't afford a baby. But – and this is gonna sound so crazy and stupid."

"Tell me," he murmured.

Y/n sighed. "I had a dream about a baby and it—" her breath hitched. "—it felt so real and in the dream I felt whole, like some missing part of my soul had found its way back to me. I woke up craving that feeling, and well, I decided against the abortion."

Max was silent for a few seconds. When he spoke, she could see him fighting a smile. "You're right, that does sound crazy and stupid."

Groaning, she lowered her head. "I know. I know. But—"

"Making life decisions because of a dream is—"

"I know, Max, god you sound like my mom."

He paused, his smile fading. "I'm sorry. Go on."

"That was it. I chose to have the baby. Josh refused to have anything to do with me or him. I haven't seen him since I told him I wasn't having an abortion." She refused to go into how much that had hurt. How stupid she'd felt as the pregnancy progressed, things still strained with her mom, only Ellie to lean on for emotional support.

"He doesn't support him?"

"I refuse to ask him for anything. Kevin's better off without him in his life. Ellie's been more of a father than he ever could have." She finished her tea and set the mug aside. "He knows that he exists. I sent word through his sister, and I've had no contact with anyone in his family since. It's like they don't care. It hurt at first, but now I know it's better this way."

"I'm sorry, y/n."

She shook her head and tucked her chin on her knees. "You don't have anything to be sorry for."

He sighed. And she felt him relax for the first time since he'd set foot in the apartment. The quiet stretched until it was almost uncomfortable, then he exhaled softly and reached for her hand.

"I don't mind him calling you daddy," she whispered as their fingers weaved together. It wasn't a conscious movement, and she felt as though her fingers already knew how to slot around his. Just as they did whenever her hand found Logan's.

Logan. God. How could she feel the same but different for two men?

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe he has some anxiety because all his new friends have dads."

"He…" Max cleared his throat and when she glanced at him she saw him staring at their hands. "He asked me in Montreal. Mentioned Laura."

Y/n smiled. First Kevin had been over the moon that a driver shared a name with him, then had fallen sort of in love with the older Kevin's daughter.

"He said you told him not everyone gets a mum and a dad. That he loves you."

She swallowed hard, nodding. If ever she was unsure of everything else in her life, she would always know her son loved her.

"Then he said—" Max sighed. "He asked if I thought Logan would be his dad. And you like mama."

She jerked her head up. "Did he ask you—"

"No. But I think he was going to."

What would you have said, how would you have answered him. And would you, Max? Would you be his dad? Would Logan? She closed her eyes, fighting the wave of questions she longed to ask, her feminist rage rising. He doesn't need a dad, damn it. He's perfectly fine without one. He's well rounded, intelligent, and empathetic. Having a 'dad' would ruin him—

"Y/n."

For fuck's sake. "Nothing changed," she reminded him. "You still can't."

"Doesn't mean I don't want to."

"I'm dating Logan."

"Is it serious?"

Yes. No. She didn't know. Logan didn't talk about that sort of thing. Still figuring it out. Still learning to show he cared. "Max, don't make me do this."

He squeezed her hand. "I'm not asking you to make a choice. I… We couldn't be open like you and Logan are."

It wasn't as though she and Logan were public. She was sure they'd been spotted together but it wasn't as though they were in each other's social media posts. "Because you'd get into trouble."

Groaning, he tossed his head back and stared at the ceiling. "You would lose your job."

Not him, though. Because he was the world champ. The dominant force to be reckoned with. Everyone on the Red Bull team would be fired before they let Max go. The realization annoyed her, even though she understood the reasoning. In the grand scheme of things she was nothing, a minor cog in the workings that could easily be replaced. But really what annoyed her the most was—

"I can't be the reason you lose your job, y/n."

Goddamn him and his nobleness. "Then… What are we even doing?" she sighed, moving to stand, trying to slip her hand free of his. But he held fast, pulling her back down.

"This," he whispered, raising his other hand to her cheek.

"But we—"

"Tell me no," he breathed as he dipped his head.

Her breath stuttered and she moved her hand to his neck, felt the muscles tense beneath her fingers. "Max…"

"I'll go. Just… Tell me you don't want this."

His forehead was against hers and his hand was sliding into her hair and she couldn't have told him no. Tilting her head, she let her lips brush over his, whining softly at the sensation. "I shouldn't," she whispered. And, god help her… "But I do."

He exhaled into the kiss, letting go of her hand and wrapping his arm around her. So gentle, so tender, she almost cried.

The last rational part of her brain screamed what about Logan and she pulled back slightly, eyes widening in panic. "We shouldn't."

He nodded. "I know," he murmured, pulling away.

"I want to," she blurted. "But…"

"Logan," he said flatly. "I thought you were figuring it out."

She ran a hand over her face, trying to ignore the tingling in her lips and the longing to slide back into his arms. "Would you want me to see him if I was figuring it out with you?"

He met her gaze and seemed to search her eyes for a long moment. "I would want you to do whatever it took to find happiness."

And she could tell that he meant it. She wished this was the Max that the world saw. The understanding, gentle Max that he rarely showed publicly. "Even if it was without you?"

His jaw twitched and he slowly drew in a breath. "Yes."

"I like him, Max. And I like you too."

Apparently, meeting on the track was now their thing. Max found he didn't mind so much this time, and decided he didn't want to investigate why. It wasn't as though he disliked Logan – in fact he liked him quite a bit. He just had let his own jealousy cloud his behavior. And now… Well, now things were different.

Logan fell into step with him and they chatted about the weather and y/n and Kevin and the burn was still there, eased a little by memories of silky lips and soft murmurs.

"How's your car looking?" Max asked, changing the subject as they walked along the track.

"I don't know, honestly. Do you ever just…" Logan sighed and shook his head, shoulders rounding. "Nevermind."

God. Max opened his mouth to tell him to go on, ask whatever it was that was on his mind – just get fucking on with it – but decided against it. Not everyone said what was on their mind. Not even him, some days, depending what was on his mind. He'd learned to bottle a lot of things, even if people thought he had no filter.

"I like him, Max. And I like you too."

How can you like us both?

He knew how. He just didn't know why. Why did she like him? He was the opposite of her precious American.

Logan cared. About everything. He cared too much. What people thought, whether he was doing well, how he carried himself. He was gentle and – damn it, caring – towards everyone, from a little boy with no father to people who didn't deserve a second thought.

Whereas he was… Gruff. An asshole on a bad day, a jerk on others. He did care, but he was selective. And he had learned at a young age that being gentle, being caring, led to being hurt and disappointment.

Gonna cry, boy?

"You have to stand up for yourself." The words came out of his mouth and hung in the air, too cold and brisk for the man walking next to him. "Sorry."

Logan drew in a breath. "Max—"

"Actually, no I'm not sorry." How many times had he said that in the past week? Twice. Which was twice too many. "It's true. You can't let them walk all over you. Because they'll do it until they find another pushover."

"They're not renewing my contract."

Well, fuck.

"They haven't said it. James is giving me the runaround every time I bring it up." Logan kept his eyes straight ahead and so did Max, not sure he wanted to see whatever emotions were showing. "But I know it's coming."

"He's such a spineless cunt," Max muttered.

Logan sputtered on a laugh. "Jesus," he chuckled nervously.

"He is." Max glanced at him. Swallowed down the little bit of bitterness. "You deserve a team that believes in you."

He nodded. "I know. But I don't have that."

"Don't give up hope," he said, the words surprising even him. "There are teams with vacant seats next year."

"I'm American. Hope's all I got," Logan said without enthusiasm.

Max chuckled softly. "Sometimes it's all you need."

As if he would know.

"I appreciate it, Max. Really."

"I can't give advice." He grimaced. "I suck at it. But I'm here if you need someone to talk to."

Even though he wasn't looking at him, he saw Logan's smile. "Thanks, mate."

Mate.

For once it didn't sound weird when Logan said it.

A win in Barcelona and, somehow, y/n found herself in the VIP section of a club with several drivers and a few girlfriends. No one seemed surprised or upset by her being there, and she laughed and drank a little, enjoying the downtime. Logan pulled her into a dance and she felt…

Happy.

Taking a break, she got another drink and found herself next to Max while he talked to Charles about someone she didn't know. A few moments later Charles was dragged away by his girlfriend and she was, relatively, alone with Max.

Max leaned close, speaking directly into her ear, loud enough to be heard above the music. "I can see why you like him!"

Her brow furrowed at his words. "You can?"

He nodded, leaning back to take a swig from his drink. "He's nice. Looks at you like you put the stars in the sky."

"Max," she murmured in surprise, her expression softening. She looked past him to where Logan was laughing with Lando and Oscar.

"See." Max chuckled next to her as Logan turned to look at her. "If he looked at me like that, I'd fall too."

A surprised laugh bubbled up. "Max! Are you drunk?"

He shook his head. "Not even close."

The coloured lights flashing around them pulsed faster and she watched him finish his drink. "Max–"

"He's in love with you." Max's face was serious.

She nodded, because suddenly she couldn't speak. If she did, she might tell him things she should never say. Nodding again, she looked down at her drink. Logan had all but said I love you to her. He'd said he loved being with her, loved hearing her voice, loved spending time with Kevin, but hadn't said he loved her.

"We have that in common," Max said, and she barely caught the words, his voice was so low.

Jerking her head up, she blinked. "What–"

"Hey babe."

A long arm snaked around her and she was pulled back against Logan's chest. Confused to see Max grinning, she wondered if he was drunk, because he usually looked annoyed whenever Logan was around. Well, not as much this past week as he had before, but…

Logan bent down, lips brushing her ear. "Having fun?"

She nodded, unconsciously stroking the arm around her as she sipped her drink. "It's a little noisy," she said loudly. "But fun."

He squeezed his arm around her. "Let me know when you're ready to go?"

She patted his arm and nodded again, smiling as he slipped away to go talk to Oscar.

Max tipped his head thoughtfully. "You're shit at lying."

"No I'm not?" She frowned at that. "I'm not lying."

"You're having fun?" he asked, arching his eyebrow.

She delayed answering by taking a sip of his drink.

He laughed, rolling his eyes. "You'd rather be at the hotel, wouldn't you?"

She made a face. "Yes. But—"

He grabbed her hand and tugged her along behind him, stopping to speak to Logan. They were right under a speaker so she couldn't hear what he said, but she saw Logan's concern as he nodded. Confused when he leaned to press a kiss to her cheek, she opened her mouth to say she was fine, but no one seemed to hear her above the thudding music. Logan didn't seem bothered by Max holding her hand and she remembered that she'd talked to him about it, that he was weirdly okay with her exploring her options as he'd put it—

Logan's lips moved to her ear. "I'll see you later, babe."

"Max what are you doing?" she asked a few moments later when he guided her out a side door of the club. Despite the heat outside it felt cooler than the club and she breathed in a lungful of fresh air.

"Taking you to the hotel," he answered simply.

She blinked as a car turned down the side street – alley? she wasn't sure what to call it – and stopped in front of them. Turning to him, she pinched her brows together. "You're supposed to be celebrating your win."

Max shrugged. "I can celebrate anytime."

With that, he opened the back door of the car and motioned for her to climb in. And she couldn't argue. Well, she could but it would be pointless. Arguing with Max was much like arguing with Kevin. It would lead nowhere except to a headache, she was sure. Settling in the backseat, she opened her handbag to get her phone, checking to make sure Ellie hadn't messaged her with an emergency.

"Je bent mooi," Max murmured once the car was in motion.

She could barely see him but she looked at him anyway, watching the passing lights flicker across his face. "Thank you," she whispered, remembering what the words meant.

You're beautiful. Not you look beautiful, that dress looks great on you. You're beautiful. She wondered if he understood the difference and thought that he might when his hand found hers.

It had been just over a week and it was still so new, so unexpected, the secret looks and touches. The stolen kiss that morning, the quick hug in the post-race confusion. All weekend she'd kept waiting for someone to notice, to say something, but no one had.

"When's your birthday?" she asked suddenly.

"End of September… Why?"

His thumb was tracing the back of her hand, making it hard to concentrate on her thoughts. "That's… Right after Singapore right?"

Max hummed. "Yeah I think a week after?"

"Well what are you doing to celebrate?" she asked, shifting so she was facing towards him.

He chuckled, and in the flickering lights she saw him shaking his head. "I don't celebrate birthdays."

"Max…"

"Y/n…" he mocked.

"You have to celebrate," she sighed.

"Uh, no, I don't have to."

"Didn't you love birthday parties as a kid?" she asked as the car stopped. Glancing out, she realized they were parked behind the hotel. She kept forgetting that Max could do things like that.

He thanked the driver and climbed out, turning back to help her out. "I didn't celebrate them much as a kid," he finally said.

"Oh," she said softly.

Max groaned, guiding her through the door, nodding to the hotel security. "Don't."

"I didn't—"

"You're not throwing me a birthday party," he insisted with a shudder.

"But—"

"It's just another day."

She scrunched up her face as he guided her onto the elevator. "If you'd let me speak—"

"No, because if I do it'll end with me wearing a stupid pointy hat and you blowing confetti in my face," he muttered.

Y/n huffed. "I wouldn't blow confetti."

He turned to look at her.

"I wouldn't!" she insisted. "I'd blow noisemakers—"

"No."

"You really don't want to celebrate? Cake? Friends? A few presents?"

"I don't like cake, if I want to see friends I do, and if I want anything I buy it." He tipped his head. "I don't need a party for any of that."

"It doesn't have to be a party," she persisted as the elevator stopped.

"I appreciate what you're trying to do," he said, glancing left and right before steering her towards her room. "But I don't see any reasons to celebrate."

"It's a special day, Max."

"You're not going to let this go are you?" he sighed as they stopped at her door.

She shook her head, opening her handbag to get her keycard. "Nope."

Max rolled his eyes and took the card, unlocking the door for her and following her inside. "Why is it so important to you?"

Slipping off her heels, she pushed them next to her suitcase. "It's a time to celebrate… To reflect and appreciate what you've been given."

Leaning against the dresser, he set the keycard down and folded his arms. "You don't think they're childish and unimportant?"

She looked up from gathering her pajamas to change into. Frowning, she shook her head. "That's your father speaking, isn't it?"

His eyes shuttered and his stance grew tense. "I'm not…"

"Is he why you didn't celebrate?" she whispered.

"My mom tried," he said after a moment of tense silence. "She'd make a cake or get me a little something. But…"

He pushed away from the dresser and walked across the room. She sat back on her heels, watching him pace before he stopped at the window. Heart breaking for the little boy inside him, she pushed to her feet and walked over, tentatively sliding her hand over his.

"We didn't celebrate. Even when I won." His voice was hoarse, as though it hurt him to say the words.

"Oh, Max," she sighed. She hesitated, still not used to this sort of closeness, and finally leaned her head against his arm.

He let out a shuddering sigh and she realized he wasn't used to it, either. Slipping his hand free, he wrapped his arm around her slowly and cautiously, as though afraid she was going to push him away.

"Can I throw you a small party?" she asked after a moment. "With just a few people who care about you?"

Groaning, he pressed his lips into her hair. "If you must."

"Who would you want to invite?"

He snorted. "You and Kevin." Tucking his chin on the top of her head, he wrapped his other arm around her. "You can invite Logan, too."

Surprised, she leaned back, heart skipping several beats. "Logan?"

"He's special to you and Kevin. You and Kevin are special to me." He paused, eyes meeting hers. "So he's special to me too, I guess."

"Max," she whispered. "You mean that?"

"Don't say it like that, don't make it—"

She leaned up, silencing him with a kiss. Don't make it weird. But it already was.

And she kind of loved it.

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[seungkw1]

halloween night — ksy

⛧ pairing: kwon soonyoung x fem!reader ⛧ theme: strangers to lovers, nonidol!au ⛧ word count: ~2.5k ⛧ warnings: smut, swearing, praise kink, oral (m. & f. receiving), softdom!hoshi, petnames (f. receiving - baby, pretty girl, etc.), unprotected penetration (stay safe kids), tiny bit of fluff at the end

your halloween night is going pretty lousy — that is, until you meet a handsome, tiger-print-wearing stranger at a party

♡ moodboard by @myhimbomingi ♡

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“You look fine. Stop worrying, you’re gonna have a good time tonight!”

You stop fiddling with your skirt and look up at your best friend with a sigh. ”I can’t believe you talked me into wearing this stupid thing.”

Halloween is, in your humble opinion, the greatest holiday ever invented. You always love putting together your costume, something unique and creative each year – which is why you feel like a fucking idiot standing here dressed in a cliché sexy nurse costume. But, you needed to get your shitty ex off your mind – it had been two weeks since you found out he was cheating on you – and what better distraction than alcohol. Hell, you might even find someone to make out with if you drink enough. Not your usual M.O., but fuck it.

Now that you’re here though, you’re starting to have second thoughts. Your best friend Mina is bubbly and sociable, so she thrives naturally in a party environment – you, not so much. To make matters worse she’s the only person you’ll know here, so you’re now realizing how awkward this whole thing is going to be. Wishing now that you had worn something more comfortable, you slap on a fake smile as you step inside. Here goes nothing, I guess.

—

Mina spent about 15 minutes introducing you to everybody as you did your best to engage in polite small talk, but she eventually got absorbed in chatting with some old friends while you inadvertently joined a very boring conversation with some cryptocurrency bros where some guy named Chad or something was going on about bitcoin. You pretended to be interested in whatever Brad was saying, but you kept zoning out. Stifling a sigh, you went to make your escape. 

“I’m gonna use the restroom, I'll be right…”

Nobody even looked at you. Brent had moved on talking about stocks or some shit. You rolled your eyes as you walked away. Assholes.

The other room was too crowded for your liking, and so was the kitchen. Spotting the back door, you quickly made your way outside before anyone else could talk to you. 

—

The cool October breeze hits you as you practically burst through the door and out onto the patio. You know you’ll probably get chilled before too long, especially in this dumb miniskirt, but the crisp air feels delightful. The relative quietness is a relief too. Taking a few moments to breathe, you start to relax, but soon enough your mind drifts back to your ex against your will. It’s not like you miss him – you’re definitely over that jerk – but you’re still extremely pissed off about the whole thing. You feel tears starting to form as the anger wells up inside you – you hate that you cry when you get mad, which only makes you even more upset. 

“God fucking dammit,” you mutter under your breath as you go to wipe your tears away before you start full-on crying. You know bottling up your emotions isn’t ideal, but neither is having a breakdown at some stranger’s house.

You can have your breakdown later, you tell yourself firmly. Just not right now. Don’t make a fool of yourself, just hold on out for a couple more hours and then-

“Are you okay?”

You nearly jump out of your skin at the voice coming from behind you. Quickly turning around, you find yourself face-to-face with a ridiculously handsome stranger. The man is so striking it takes you a few seconds to process the horribly tacky, bright orange tiger-print shirt he’s wearing.

“Jesus Christ, you scared me,” you say as you collect yourself.

“I- sorry, I didn’t mean to…” he says, his sentence trailing off.

You both stand there for a moment in silence. You find yourself trying not to blush at how good-looking he is, but you notice him noticing your low-cut top but trying to act like he didn’t notice it. Yeah, that is not helping…

The man clears his throat. “You just seemed like you were crying or something and uh… sorry, I guess that’s not really any of my business…” he apologizes, turning red. “Sorry,” he repeats, “I’ll leave you be…”

“No no it’s okay!!” you blurt out, perhaps a bit too fast. “I mean, you can stay, I don't mind.”

“Are you sure? If you want to be alon-”

“No, I don’t,” you interrupt before he goes to turn away again. “I mean, I did originally, but uh…”

What are you doing?? You literally don’t even know this man.

You ignore the voice inside your head. Fuck it, didn’t I say I wanted to find a hot stranger to make out with tonight? Here’s one right in front of me.

You introduce yourself and stick out your hand. His face turns into a soft smile as he takes your hand in his – he shakes it firmly, and you try not to think about how strong he feels. He locks eyes with you and holds on to your hand for a few moments too long. Your heart seems to skip a beat. 

“Soonyoung,” he replies. Letting out an even bigger grin, he finally lets go of your hand. “Nice to meet you.”

—

You don’t even know how long you two have been sitting on the patio couch talking. All you know is that not only is Soonyoung incredibly handsome, he’s also funny, charming, and easy to talk to – and, he’s clearly very attracted to you. Usually it takes a number of drinks before you get flirty, but the tension between you two is too strong to resist. It’s taking all of your willpower not to drop everything and kiss him – and the way he keeps stealing quick glances of your lips tells you the feeling is reciprocated. 

Despite how flustered you are, it is pretty chilly out, and eventually you start to shiver. Soonyoung notices and gives you a concerned look.

“Oh shit, we should probably get you inside.”

You glance back toward the chatter of the house party regretfully, not wanting to go back in and be amongst everybody else once again. But you are getting cold.

You look back to Soonyoung and you both sit there in silence for a few seconds. A sly smile creeps back onto his face, and he hesitates for a moment before suggesting, “Or… we could get out of here.”

You can’t help but grin back at him.

—

And so you find yourself on Soonyoung’s couch, straddling his lap, making out with him – the cheesy horror movie you had put on in the background long forgotten. Time seems to be at a standstill as you press your lips into his – softly at first, but more intensely with each kiss. His muscular arms tighten around your waist, pulling your body even closer to his, and a small moan escapes you as he pushes his hips into your core. 

Soonyoung stops kissing you momentarily so he can look at you. “You’re so fucking pretty, you know that?”

His low and raspy voice sends a jolt through your stomach. Your skirt has risen up over your hips, leaving your underwear as the only barrier between your pussy and the growing bulge in his jeans – you push yourself into him even further and this time he lets out a moan as you feel his cock twitch against your aching cunt.

Grabbing onto your waist he pushes you over onto the couch and rolls over on top of you. He kisses you again, his hand cradling your face, his body weight pressing down on you as you feel the blood rushing through your veins. He kisses you for a few moments more before he jumps up, pulling you along as he leads you into his bedroom. 

He stops right before the bed and pauses to look at you, his hand delicately tracing your neckline. “You know, I really like this costume, but I think I’d like it more off of you.”

You let out a laugh as you roll your eyes at him. You begin to unbutton his shirt as you reply, “Well I don’t really like it at all, so you can definitely help me get rid of it.”

He grins back at you. “You look incredible, but I will happily oblige.”

Grabbing the hem of your top, Soonyoung pulls it up over your head and tosses it behind him. He pulls his shirt off too, disregarding the rest of the buttons, and you have to keep your jaw from hitting the floor – to say he was toned would’ve been an understatement. 

He grabs you by the arms to pull you in for another kiss, and you place your hands on his chest, feeling the warmth of his skin. You slowly run one hand down the defined curvatures of his abs until you reach the waist of his pants. Your lips still pressed against his, you begin to undo his belt and unbutton his pants.

Getting down as you undo the zipper, you pull down the band of his underwear and his cock springs free. You run your tongue up his length, your mouth stopping to take just the tip in between your lips as you taste his juices before taking him in your mouth. Soonyoung lets out a groan, and you begin to slide his cock down your throat – slowly at first, but as you begin to pick up the pace he places his hand on the back of your head, making sure you take his entire length with each motion.

“Look at me,” he commands.

You look up at him, his cock halfway in your mouth still, your lips red and your eyes teary from choking on him.

“That’s my pretty girl,” he murmurs, his voice gruff and low.

He thrusts into your mouth a few more times before he pulls your head back up, his cock glistening with your spit. 

“Stand up for me.”

You quickly stand up – it’s impossible to ignore how wet you are at this point.

Soonyoung takes you by the hips and gently pushes you down onto the bed. “Get comfy baby.”

You rest your head against the pillows as he situates himself between your legs. He lifts your skirt up just enough to reveal your visibly soaked underwear. 

“Fuck, you’re already this wet for me huh?” he says he starts kissing your inner thighs, close enough to your entrance to make your clit throb but just far away enough to drive you crazy.

He teases you with one finger tracing over your clothed cunt, sending a shiver down your spine. Not giving what you want just yet, he reaches his hand behind your back and unclasps your bra, taking it off of you. 

“God, you’re so hot,” he says as he begins to kiss your breasts. You let out a small whimper as his hand makes its way back down to your clit, his thumb circling over the fabric gently.

Finally, he reaches his hands under your skirt and slides your panties off, his face resuming its position right in front of your cunt. You let out a hiss as his tongue makes a stripe over your folds, slowly taking in your wetness – you cry out suddenly as he begins to suck on your clit. 

Soonyoung goes down on you for what feels like an eternity, only stopping here and there to shower you in admiration.

“You taste so good, baby.”

“Fuck, you’re so hot.”

“Pussy so pretty for me.”

Just as you feel the heat welling up inside your body, he slides his fingers inside of you. The vibrations of his mouth moaning on your clit combined with the pressure against your g-spot nearly sends you over the edge.

“Fuck, Soonyoung – I’m gonna cum…” you cry.

“Cum for me, baby.”

Your orgasm rushes over you as you grab him by the hair, cumming hard on his mouth. Out of breath and seeing stars, you start to come down and your body relaxes into the bed – you run your hand through his hair as he delicately kisses your soaked pussy, his mouth and chin covered in your juices.

Soonyoung comes up to give you a few soft kisses on the lips. Wrapping your arms around his back, you pull his warm body into yours. His erection presses up against your still-throbbing core – you try to position your entrance right on top of his cock but he teasingly pulls away and starts kissing your neck instead. 

“Please Soonyoung,” you beg.

“Please what baby? I wanna hear you say it.”

“Want you to fuck me.”

He kisses you on the neck once more before slipping his cock inside you, making you gasp at the sudden sensation.

“Mmm I made you so wet baby, you’re so perfect for me.”

He slowly starts sliding his length in and out of you, but before long you find yourself trying to ride his cock, trying to make him go faster – which only makes him slow down even more. He smirks, locking eyes with you – undeniably addicted to how much you need him.

“Such a little slut, you want me to fuck you harder?”

You nod, looking up at him – desperation in your eyes.

“Use your words baby.”

“Harder,” you plead.

“That’s my good girl.”

Soonyoung thrusts into you, picking up the pace this time, until he’s fucking you senseless. Your cries fill the room from the overwhelming pleasure, and much to his enjoyment you start to whimper out his name. 

“That’s right – say my name babygirl.”

You repeat his name as every inch of him continues to pulse into you, stronger with each stroke. 

“You’re taking me so well. My cock so good to you baby?”

You cry out something, presumably some form of yes, but you don’t even know at this point. You feel yourself start to climax once more. 

“Fuck, Soonyoung – I’m gonna cum again.”

“Cum with me, pretty girl.”

Electricity rushes over your entire body as your walls tighten around him, and you feel his cock pulsating as his cum fills you up inside. You both lay there for a few moments, his strong arms wrapping around you as you breathe heavily together. He slowly removes himself from you and rolls over to pull you into an embrace – him as the big spoon. You giggle as he holds you tightly and gives you little kisses on your cheek. 

“You know,” you admit, “I didn’t even want to go to that stupid party.”

Soonyoung laughs. “Well, I’m sure glad you did.”

“I am too,” you say as you begin to yawn. You are completely worn out in the best way possible.

He nuzzles into your neck, clearly also getting sleepy. He pauses a moment before he asks.

“Stay here with me?”

You can’t help but smile. “Okay,” you reply softly. 

You drift off to sleep in Soonyoung’s arms – blissful and content.

[end]

you can also find me on ao3 ♡

[sundewhasaudhd]

Fuck it, I know I said I wouldn’t post things about my AU’s out of order, but it’s my blog, and do want I fucking want

Sad TNT duo scene (tw: knives, suicide)

(PS, this thing’s pretty long, so you might wanna go grab some potatocorn or something):

W: *Looking down sadly at his reflection in his knife*

Q: *Practically slams open this man’s fucking door like he isn’t breaking and entering* Jesus fucking Christ Wilbur, where the fuck have you been?! I…people were really starting to worry about you.

W: (to himself) You, you cared?

Q: What?

W: Nothing. Why are you here?

Q: Did you not hear me dipshit, looking for you. I hadn’t seen you in a few days, I was starting to get concerned.

W: That feels a bit dramatic, don’t you think?

Q: Not when you’re at my border bugging me everyday, no

W: …

Q: You ok?

W: Yeah, yeah, I’m fine

Q: You sure? There were a lot of pauses in that four word sentence. Y’know if you have something you want to say to me you can say it

W: Yeah, since when has that been true?

Q: Excuse me 

W: Never mind, that’s not important right now

Q: Feels pretty damn important, but ok, sure

W: *takes a deep breathe* Quackity, kill me

Q: W-w-w

W: It’s perfect, I won’t be able to hurt you or anyone else, and you won’t have to put up with me anymore 

Q: Wilbur if this is your idea of “a joke” it’s not very funny

W: What about me asking you to kill me sounds like a joke to you? It’s not that hard if that’s what you’re concerned about. There are a bunch of knives in here, just take your pick. There are some over there, I think I have one near my bed, plus I’m sure you plenty weapons in your room. *Wilbur’s voice starts fading out* And you don’t have to make it painless if you don’t want to… *his voice is completely drowned out by either ringing or static, I haven’t fully decided yet*

Q: N-no you said you wouldn’t leave me! Th-that you’d be here for me! You promised you wouldn’t leave me again! You promised!

W: That’s what I do Quackity. I lie. I lie and I hurt and that’s all I’ll ever be good for. I can’t change that, no one can, which is why it’d be better for everyone if you just killed me

Q: I- no I’m not gonna kill you Wilbur!

W: Quackity, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me a single reason why I still deserve to live, why I should still be here tomorrow

Q: I-

W: You can’t. I know you can’t. And that’s okay. That’s great even! That’s you realizing how badly I’ve hurt you, and that you shouldn’t want me around *placing his knife in Quackity’s hand, which his dumbass doesn’t notice, because Wilbur’s touching his face and he’s gay* I don’t deserve to live Quackity. *starts moving Quackity’s hands (the knife) towards his chest* You should know that more then anyone. The only thing I’ve ever given you is pain, especially when you’re already hurting. You’re just doing yourself a disservice by letting me live.

W: Y’know, I really will miss you. You’re my favorite person, and I love spending every second I can with you. But that’s really selfish of me. At least you won’t miss have to miss me. Hell, anyone with half a brain cell won’t miss me

Q: What the fuck are you on about, of course I’d miss you if you died!

W: No, you won’t. I mean, come on, why would you. You hate me, remember

Q: I don’t h- *sees the knife in his hands, and then immediately drops it* Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you?!

W: EVERYTHING!!! Every single decision I’ve ever made was at the expense of someone else! I’m trying to do the only good thing I can with my pathetic existence by ending it, which YOU don’t seem to understand! 

Q: Because that’s stupid! Yeah, you’ve hurt people, so what? We’ve all hurt someone else at some point!

W: CAN YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO SOMETHING USEFUL FOR ONCE IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE!

Q: …

W: I’m- this is exactly what I’m talking about. This is all I do. So, just pick up the knife, and put an end to my pathetic existence

Q: No! I won’t kill you Wilbur

W: Why are you being so stubborn about this?

Q: Because I love you, ok! I love you a lot. You’re the only constant in my life, and I really don’t wanna think about what would happen if you weren’t here. You’re my everything. And I *shaky sigh* I just can’t lose you again

W: …

Q: Fuck, just forget I said anything. I’ll just leave and pray that your not dead tomorrow mornin-

W: *hugs in gay* I love you too 

Q: *starts crying while hugging Wilbur tighter*

[louloulemons-posts]

The Criminal And The Princess VI

Grumpy!College!Eddie X Sunshine!Skater!Reader

Summary : It’s time for Eden to get back on the ice, but she can only feel like Eddies hiding something.

Word Count : 1.4k

Warnings : not proofread, sad eddie, it’s just a lot of fluff, big skating chapter, swearing.

~ / / / * \ \ \ ~

Early mornings in September, it was starting to get cool, the sky was dimmer each morning for longer. This drive to the rink may be my final one with my windows rolled down.

I smiled, today was gonna be a good day, I could feel it. Honestly I had been smiling since the night before, the sweet text I had from Eddie sent me over the edge.

Unknown : Hey Princess, I just wanted to say I had a really great time with you today.

Unknown : Oh shit it’s Eddie btw

Of course Robin and Nancy had teased me for the rest of the night because of how much I had been grinning whilst we had a conversation. Just small talk. That’s all it was.

Just getting to know a friend.

A friend.

Because that’s all Eddie was a friend.

~ / / / * \ \ \ ~

It was 6am on a Monday so the rink was dead, bar the maintenance staff who I waved at as I walked by. There was one other person, sat in the rink, on those cold seats.

“Irene!” I said, loudly enough so she’d hear me, but not too loud as to make her jump. “Oh my love!” she grinned, walking over to me quickly and wrapping her arms around me.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I said into the hug, it mumbled slightly, but her chuckle said she’d heard it. “I’ve missed you too Eden.”

Pulling back I took her in. She was truly one of the most beautiful people I’d ever seen, golden hair and eyes and curls that anyone would be jealous of. Along with that gorgeous smile.

“How’s Cole? How’s baby Dorian? More importantly how are you?” I asked.

“We’re all great, Dorian is at home with his dad. And here I am, back with my favourite girl,” she pinched my cheek.

Yrene wasn’t massively older than me she’d turned 33 the same year I’d turned 22. She was the best though, always knew she wanted to be a trainer and not a professional.

So when dad found her and we got on like a house on fire, Irene took me under her wing not just as a student, but as a younger sister.

“How are you doing my love? Dad giving you a hard time?” She asked. I nodded, but shrugged also, “When does he not?”

“That’s why I’m here, so we can use your routine. As soon as I say it’s good, or it’s mine, he’ll be happy.” I sighed, because I knew it was true.

The amount of routines I’d made, or co-made with Irene that my dad had no clue about was ridiculous. Purely because he’d hate them if he knew they were my own.

“Do you want to show me?” She asked.

“Sure. Just so you know, it’s simple. Dad saw my first draft and said I should go back to the basics because I’m sloppy.”

“If he says anything like that whilst I’m here I’m throwing my skates at his head,” she said, you knew she wasn’t even joking. She was as, if not more, protective over you as Robin and Nancy.

“I’ll take your word for it.”

~ / / / * \ \ \ ~

“Well I thought you said it was basic?” Irene asked as I skated over to her. “It is.”

“Your lutz, your axles, the spins, the jumps. Honey, it’s not basic, and all the moves are clean and sharp.”

“Really cause dad-“ She held up her hand, stopping me from finishing my sentence. “Can Ethan Bennett skate?”

“Well he played hockey, so.”

“Can he figure skate?”

I shook my head, “No.”

“No he can’t, that’s right. Now I’m going to tell you, and you will listen to me Eden Bennett. That routine was fantastic, you are amazing. Okay?”

I looked at her face, trying to sense any lies in her words. “Okay.”

“Good, now what the hell did you take out of that routine to make it ‘basic’?”

“A salchow and a,” I mumbled the last part.

Yrene leaned on the barrier, getting closer to me, “What was that?”

“A .. a backflip.”

“Jesus fucking christ Eden!” She exclaimed, throwing her hands up. “I told you no working on them until I’m back! It’s so dangerous!”

“I know I know, but I’ve got really good!”

“You could have really hurt yourself too!” She replied, hands coming up to rest on her pulled back curls.

“Well you’re here now,” I bit my lip so I wouldn’t smile, knowing she’d probably drag me off the ice. “You’re lucky I love you. Jesus christ I’m never letting Dorian skate.”

The woman sighed as she did up her own skates and headed over to the centre of the ice with me. “What part of the song would be playing as you did the move?”

I handed her one of my earphones, letting her listen. “Hm, it could work. Alright show me. But I swear even a wobble, we’re practicing on mats.”

“Okay okay!” I plugged my earphones back in, when the music built up I leaped into the air, spinning. Landing on one foot I glided across the ice with ease.

The older woman watched me with her arms crossed. “How long have you been practicing that exactly?”

“Before you left for maternity leave.”

“Please tell me not on ice.”

“No,” I dragged out the last letter. She cocked a brow asking me where, “On the sofa cushions at my dads.”

“Jesus fucking christ.”

~ / / / * \ \ \ ~

Practice had gone on until just past 8, so I had enough time to clean up and head to my class. Irene had mentioned having a word with dad about making the routine more complex.

I swapped out of my skating gear and into some jeans, a top and a knitted cardigan that Nancy had got me for my birthday.

Walking into class I immediately met the gaze of a brown eyed boy, without hesitation I went and sat behind him. “Morning,” I smiled.

“Hey,” he said softly, not looking up at me now.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, just tired.” I hummed, nodding. Taking out my notebook, I noticed Eddie fiddling with his rings, almost wringing them.

“Eddie.”

“Hm?”

“Look at me.” This was the first time since he was on stage that I had seen him with his curls unbound. They fell just below his shoulders, and hid his face.

He looked up at me, he looked - sad? I leaned closer to him so I could whisper, “Are you really okay?” It was almost like he was reading a book whilst looking at my face, trying to take everything in.

“Not really.”

“Do you want to get shakes after class? We don’t have to talk about it, but maybe the company would help,” I suggested.

“Yeah, yeah I’d really like that,” he nodded, “Thank you Eden.”

“That’s weird,” I scrunched my nose.

“What?”

“That’s like the first time you’ve used my real name.”

There it was, his grin. “Well I’m sorry Princess, I won’t use it again.”

“Hm, you better not.”

“Why? Like being my Princess?”

“Something like that.”

I moved away from him so I could sit up straight, hearing him hum as I did so. I then spotted Vickie walked in and waved, she came and sat on the other side of me.

~ / / / * \ \ \ ~

Me and Eddie sat across from each other in a booth in the diner. He was unusually quiet, I didn’t like it. “Hey, did my dad speak to you?” I asked him.

“Uh yeah, I meant to say. Sorry,” he was so out of it. “It’s okay, no need to apologise,” I reached over the table and gently squeezed his hand.

He flinched slightly, but relaxed soon after. “Eddie.” He hummed at me. “I know I said I wouldn’t ask, but did something happen?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk about it.”

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“Is it okay if we don’t?” he asked, wide eyed, almost like a child. “Of course it is,” I said squeezing his hand.

“Are you busy for the rest of the day?” I asked him. “No, why?”

“After our shakes, we’re gonna go and grab some lunch and then we’re gonna watch some movies at mine. Sound good?”

He grinned at me, “That sounds really good. Finish your shake.”

~ / / / * \ \ \ ~

if you understand the, not so subtle, references i love you 🫶🏻

taglist : @gnrquinn @flawiette @taylorswiftsloverfr @mygirlchaos @marvelcasey05 @ali-r3n @browneyes8288

let me know if you want to be added 😚

[averagewriter777]

ghost/tall masked reader?

Oh gosh this was so much fun. Sorry it took so long!

For those who don't know, a corporal is a higher rank than both a captain and lieutenant. And sometimes, with wars raging, you have to go around and help where you can. Oh- and not everything is knowledgable to the military... in this case at least. There is also no gender for this reader :)

You hated hearing it. The same sentence every time you enter a room or a new situation. Your reaction was the same each time too: a big eye roll and a rough ‘thanks’ or ‘fuck off’. It was either being in line or out of line for this.

“Jesus Christ, Price. You didn’t tell us we’d be having a fucking skyscraper on our team.” You didn’t really like Sergeant MacTavish, for several reasons. He acted too loosely around serious matters, even in missions, apparently. And in your specific line of work, you’d like to take everything seriously.

Price pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. “Soap. Shut up. You’re supposed to make them feel welcome.” He turned to you, shooting an apologetic smile. “Sorry about that, Corporal Riley. It’ll get better. Usually around here, rank is ignored in situations as such.” 

That didn’t make you feel any better, especially considering how you looked. You stood at a whopping 6’11” and weren’t afraid to show the muscles on your skin. A metal skull mask covered the bottom half of your face, where nasty scars littered across your chin and lips. Heavy bags were painted under your (e/c) eyes too. Long story short, you scared several teams… Laswell said you’d do good on this one, because someone by the name of ‘Ghost’ did roughly the same thing you did… scare people, that is.

You’d seen him around, but hadn’t gotten the chance to personally speak with him. By the looks of it, Ghost was a private guy and didn’t like to be bothered. You weren’t about to poke the bear with him until he came to you first, even though you should be going around introducing yourself.

Currently, you were speaking with Price about some training exercises to go through. Some stuff from old teams- unlike what they’d been doing here. “This course has improved efficiency within men in the past. I understand Task 141 contains the best of the best, but there’s nothing wrong with challenging them.” You were showing him a much more complicated version of the weapons training course. “But you call the shots here, it’s your team.”

Price set his cigar between his fingers and out of his mouth, about to speak- but the door to the office opened without a knock. You frowned under your mask while Price simply let out a sigh. “Ghost, you need to learn to knock now. The Corporal and I could’ve been having a serious conversation.”

“Sorry,” Ghost apologized quietly. His eyes bore into yours, narrowing and widening for a second, then he looked at Price. “Sir, I need to speak with the Corporal for a second. I don’t think we’ve had the chance to meet either.” 

The Captain brought the cigar to his lips again, looking at you. You shrugged. “I’ll give you a chance to look over, consider everything. I’ll be back, John.” You set down the paper you’d been showing him and followed Ghost out of the room. He led you to a small corner that was out of ear shot from everything. “Right then, Ghost. I’ve been here three days, why the sudden meet-up?”

Ghost looked around, which meant moving his head around your body, to make sure the coast was completely clear. He took off his gloves, shoving them into his pockets. On his left hand, revealed a tattoo’d ring on his ring finger. Your eyes slowly widened as his mask came off next. “(Y/n), I’d first like to say I’m sorry for not telling you--”

Your hands went to his cheeks as you smiled under your mask. “A skull mask… I couldn’t recognize you when you had it on. Even with your pretty blue eyes…” The tension in Simon’s shoulders slowly released as you spoke. “They didn’t tell me you’d be here, but this is nice. It’s good to see my husband still alive after not seeing him for five months.”

Two years into your marriage and the longest Simon had ever been gone was a couple weeks. But after everything with Shepard, his time of deployment increased. You’d had a heavy heart about it, especially considering how lucky you’d been as well with your own assignments. Simon, or Ghost in this case, hadn’t gotten the chance to call, email or write to you at all. The 141 was on their toes all of the time.

“Didn’t mean to scare you, darling.” He removed your hands from his face, reaching for yours. Usually, you’d flinch if someone touched the metal mask- but he’d always been different. “You can see how busy we’ve all been. I would’ve loved to contact you in any way…”

You stopped his hands from unattaching the mask. You looked down at him, sad he couldn’t see the large grin that had crossed your lips. “You didn’t scare me, love. Just worried. Why don’t we go catch up? My room is just down the corridor.”

Simon blinked a few times. “Sure, the mask is coming off, right?” He looked up at you as he put on his own. The familiar glint in your eyes gave him the answer. “Fuck.”

“Indeed.” You grabbed his left hand and rushed both of you as quickly as possible to your room. The new training exercises could wait.

[xeoxov]

Purly fic, wrote on cold medicine at 6am, it’s a piece of work

My first time writing fanfic ever, 1.5k words🎉

Summary: Curly had propositioned Pony out of the blue, I knew he was just trying to keep ponyboy awake by making conversation, but that vodka induced drowsiness was really starting to hit us..

M&m perspective cuz I love him

Warnings: recreational drug and alcohol use ig

“Didn’t you try to flirt with his girlfriend? And that’s why bob tried to drown you of whatever the fuck” Curly had propositioned Pony out of the blue, I knew he was just trying to keep ponyboy awake by making conversation, but that vodka induced drowsiness was really starting to hit us and soon pony would just be dead weight on curlys shitty bed.

When I say “bed” I really mean mattress, it was laying on the floor with no bed frame or sheets, just two pillows and a shitty blanket. He really didn’t keep this place nice.

“God Curls I didn’t flirt with her she talked to me first” Pony chuckled as he responded, he was sprawled out on the bed his head laying atop one of the pillows on curlys lap and his legs on either side of me.

The three of us had been boozing and smoking all night, the room reeked of weed, cigarettes and Tito’s. Cathy woulda killed me if she caught wind of her little brother m&m buming around the east side like this, but I couldn’t find it in me to care, too excited for pony to get enthralled into another one of his drunk ramblings.

“Well did u have a thing for her er what? I know if I were you I’d fuckin hate that skank” Curlys natural vulgarity kinda just came out whenever he spoke, so it stopped surprising me when he’d describe girls in a way that’d make my mama disappointed.

Pony glared up at curly trying to show his annoyance through eye contact “She ain’t no skank Curls god, I don’t have a thing for her, didn’t then either really.” Curly just looked down at him unimpressed.

“I can’t even find it in myself to hate her or even dislike her at all.” Pony rolled off the bed and onto his feet trying to avoid the mess of curlys room to flip the record playing in the background to the other side, the more I looked around the more filth I saw, misconstrued shirts and boxers all over the floor, dirty magazines, old cigarette cases and empty liquor bottles, even the “desk” the record player was sat on was filled with random shit covering every inch of its surface. If a fire broke out in here it’s going down with us in it.

I found myself speaking up for the first time in what seemed like the entire night “She acted like you’re some piece of white trash, and you “can’t find it in you” to dislike her.” He’d told me the whole story of what went down his freshman year including his hour long conversation with Sherri Valance, Bob Sheldon’s girlfriend. When pony got up curly changed from sitting cris crossed with pony in his lap, to laying against the wall. We were both staring at him expectantly waiting for his answer, his eyebrows creased as he tried to work through his high and drunken brain to find something meaningful or, philosophical to say.

“Well I can’t find it in myself to dislike her when I know that distain deep down is just envy.” Just as he ended his sentence he reached over and grabbed another joint to light up from curlys desk, it was 1am and we were still going I wondered when pony was gunna turn in for the night. “Envy? What do u wanna be Bob Sheldon’s broad or something?” Ponyboy just ignored Curly as he took another hit of the joint. “Hey pony, don’t you think you should slow down on the weed” Him and curly had already been high when we started drinking together at like ten, who knows when they started.

“No I don’t wanna be a broad asshole, I want her lifestyle” Ponyboy just about started to cough up a lung, and proceeded to clear his throat with liquor, Jesus Christ. “I wanna be disgustingly wealthy” At this point he had the bottle in one hand and the joint in the other as he laid back down on the bed beside curly, he passed me the bottle and curly the joint, and I realized in no way would I make it to first period tomorrow morning, I’m done for.

“I couple months ago I was driving Amber home from the dingo.” Me and curly just looked at each other confused. “Uhhh uknow that soc chick that I talk to in the hallway sometimes, yeah? No? Ugh whatever I was driving her home and we pass this absolute beauty of a house, we’re talking the most gorgeous mid century modern house you’ve ever seen” I seriously doubted Curly knew what the hell ‘mid century modern’ means but neither of us were about to interrupt Pony when he was getting into it. “She’s in the middle of giving me directions to her house and I just stopped the car in front of it, no joke my jaw was dropped and I just gaped at this fucking house.” He was easily the most intoxicated out of all of us, and you could tell from him dropping all his southern niceties and manners, preferring cursing to add emphasis.

He turned his head from me to curly, real drunk smile on his face, and his hands out in front of him to help tell the story “Ok ok picture this, built in the early fifties, wood veneer paneling, peekaboo fences, well maintained grass and flowers, aaand floor to ceiling windows! My lord it was my goddamn dream house, I took the car outta park and kept rambling about the damn house until I dropped her off.” He was pretty much just talking to me as he had his back leaning on curly again, curly just smiled down at him fondly.

“So a couple weeks later Amber shows up at my locker holding a magazine, some Tulsa architecture firms print on mid century modern homes in the city, and one of the highlights is the house. Yeah well wanna guess who it’s owned by.” He doesn’t wait for either of us to respond instead just continuing “George Valance. ‘Bob’s girlfriend’s’ dad, or at least I think it’s her dad I have no idea really.”

“I don’t understand how that ties into not disliking her? If a girl who kinda wronged me lived in my dream house I’d hate her more.” Which was true, I knew so many socs that I ended up hating more once I got to see how good they got to live.

Pony paused again collecting his thoughts before speaking “Because I know if I was in her place I’d be the same, living as someone who thinks themself above others. Like really, just as most of them have no clue how we live every day, most of us know nothing of how they live. For all I know Cherry could be going home to parents as bad as johnnys in her big ole fancy house. But I wanna live the life I picture as hers, filled with mundane problems and free of serious worrying, imagine having heat all winter long and AC in the heat or any other kinds of privileges that comes with being rich and living in a house like that. Why get to know what greasers and hoods go through that makes them end up this way, I’d be blissfully ignorant and happy.”

I looked over to curly to try and assess what he thought of all this, just as I started to notice how different he acts around pony compared to all the other guys, pony got right back to it “If I was some popular pretty girl like her I wouldn’t want some weird nerdy greaser talking to me at school either, it’d tarnish my reputation hah.” Pony put out a sad laugh at the end of it to minimize how much it must’ve actually hurt his feelings when she said that.

Curly stared at him pissed off “No the fuck you wouldnt, yeah you’d be a soc but you’d still be you. You’re the biggest pansy I know, it hurts you to be mean to people, no way would you act like some popular asshole jumping kids and riding in your mustang, just regular old Ponyboy Curtis but with new clothes and hardcover books instead of paperbacks.”

“Yeah I guess maybe id be the same.” Curly denying imaginary soc ponyboys personality bought me back to just how different curly acted around him, sometimes It felt like when it came to pony talking about himself it was always negative, and the second he did curly was right there claiming bullshit.

Geez pony made him soft, that reason alone was why I only hung out around Curly Shepard when ponyboy was around, lord knows he’d probably jump me again if pony wouldn’t get mad at him for it. I had passed out after that, I’ve never been able to handle my liquor.

When I woke up to the bright sunlight coming in through Curlys window, all I could see was ponyboys and curlys sleeping bodies cuddling each other, man if east side kids could afford a camera.

[dysfunctionallygrey]

Who the fuck was gonna tell me how gay all the units in pjsk are?!???

I got bored over the summer and decided to download pjsekai again (there's a story behind that but it's too long.) Before this, I knew like 3 things about it: 1. Its a rhythm game, 2. Also a gacha game 3. Emu Ootori. I haven't heard much of people talking about the story, but I did know a few ships (Ruikasa) and that a number of them would have queer ships. (what are you gonna do it's fandom)

I was not however, prepared for the sheer MAGNITUDE of ships and ship material.

Prepare for a long ass post underneath because if theres one thing I enjoy it's yappering. Also spoilers for a few main stories ig.

Jesus Christ what the hell miku why are you turning all the units gay.

I'm not much of a shipper but God, are homosexual tendencies like a requirement for a sekai?????? My god these bitches gay, good for them. And this is coming from someone who hasn't finished all the stories.

First of all More More Jump.

I'm not that big of a fan of Idol Groups but the Sapphic squad™ has really captured me.

I had to rub my eyes in disbelief for a moment everytime they interacted because

The MOMENT Shizuku and Airi walked in and opened their mouths my immediate reaction was: oh?

And then as the story went on i was like: Oh!

OH.

Suddenly my favorite Vocaloid song is Romeo and Cinderella.

THE WAY AIRI SAID HER NAME I CAN'T. THEY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER SM "You're my Idol." IS THAT SLANG FOR I WANNA GET MARRIED TO YOU AND RUN OFF TO THE COUNTRYSIDE WITH TWO CATS THESE TWO ARE KILLING ME.

I was rendered speechless.

The only consisyent thing to come out of my mouth was "Oh."

Oh spelled backwards is Ho which is one half of Homo therefore the other half is Minori and Haruka.

And dont let me get STARTED on them.

I ddid a quick deep dive into both Shizuairi and MinoHaru.

Let me just say that Haruka was probably Minori's awakening. Actually that is my hc now Haruka was Minori's awakening thank you all goodnight I will be expecting my Nobel Prize tomorrow.

There is so much ship material between these two it is actually insane, PLUS all their cards????

I saw some clips of some event stories and damn. I know these aren't meant to be ship fodder but it is so damn easy to put this stuff through a shipping lens.

Speaking of Len

Vivid BAD Squad???

Not a single het person in sight.

I already had the AnHane tag open on a separate tab halfway through but the way I JUMPED to open the AkiToya one and I hate to invoke the lord's name thrice but Jesus H. Christ what in the hell

I had to open my phone and text my friend if I just witnessed a gay divorce in front of my very own eyes and she confirmed.

I couldn't even make a "girls are fightinggh" joke because my mouth was AGAPE.

OPEN.

AJAR.

The fly nearby was too distracted to come into my mouth because of what it just witnessed.

And Toya's Backstory.

Their Bond???

THEIR RECONCILIATION?????

It only needed to be outside and raining and I would've been SOLD.

The music. The emotion. The words. Akito's speech. GOD. It legitimately made me tear up.

And that marks number 4. I'm not religious anymore but there's smth about these gays that make me start shaking aggressively as if ridden with rabies.

Anyways

This iis getting too long.

I was originally gonna write smth abt AnHane too but that took also a hell ton of words.

And of course I had a few words to say about everyone's favorite gay clowns and no I'm not talking about your friend group I'm talking about Wonderland x Showtime.

I have yet to finish the n25 story. But judging from the overall tone and the look I feel like it's smth I would love.

Insert sentence about Leo/Need here.

Jk I actually love those girls Saki is one of my favs and I am in LOVE with Shiho's cover of Lost ones Weeping.

Part 2 sometime in the future

[soutcftime]

Boyfriend - Jake (sweetbitter) x Reader.

SUMMARY: Congratulations! You get a boyfriend. But how Jake would feel about that? It supposed you are not a thing so he shouldn't be mad, right?... Right?

NOTES: This was inspired by AI! Jake. Thank you AI! Jake, you made my night.

RANTING: E

WARNING: age gap (young reader), walking red flag Jake, jealous Jake, this is, again, very questionable. Smut written by Asexuals ™

-

"Jake"

You were just starting your shift when you approach to him. You were the new girl for a while, and of course, you fell into his charms.

Honestly, it was very out of yourself doing that. You hate the one night shit. And you were absolutely tired of it. No more bullshit to your life.

So, you decided, you were going to give a chance to the beautiful rugby lad from your university. He was sweet and nice, and really good playing rugby. And, better than anything, your father approved him. It was all you need to accept being his girlfriend.

No more casual encounters, no more sex in a bathroom, nor in the back of an ugly bar. No. More. Jake.

"Hm?" Jake doesn't even look at you, he seems very concentrate on cutting the lemons.

"I have to tell you something" you don't even know why do you say it like that. Like it's something really important and you need to have all his attention.

Perhaps Ari was right and you were nothing but an attention whore. Damn.

"What is it?" he glances at you. A curious glance.

"I have a boyfriend"

He blinks at you for a moment and then burst out a laugh.

"I'm sorry, am I supposed to be sad now or...?" he shakes his head, walking away from you. He had to attend the rest of the bar.

You feel your cheeks burning, an horrible feeling climbing your whole body. Humiliation.

Yeah, well. Maybe you deserved it. Why would Jake even care about it?

You sigh in resignation. Better focus on the job.

The job by his side. The whole night.

Now, why did you never listen to your dad? “bartending is shit, (Y/n). Get a real job.” Fucking old man was right.

"Can I know why did you tell me that?" you were cleaning the cups to put it on its place when he approached. You shrugged.

"Jesus Christ, Jake. I only told you that to make it clear that we cannot continue... you know..."

"Fuckin?" he finishes your sentence with a smirk.

You nod.

"Well, I don't care if you have 5 boyfriends right now. I'm still gonna ask you to come home with me tonight" he rests on the bar. His stupid smirk there on his lips.

You frown, who did he think you were?

"I'm going to say no, Jake. I'm being serious about this" he chuckles at your statement.

"Just for tonight, babe. You're not cheating if no one knows, right?" he raise his hand to touch slightly your chin. Just a little touch.

There was no way you are thinking about the proposal. No way, the rugby lad was decent. He likes you and you like him back. Stop it.

Well...

"It's still cheating if you and I know the truth, Jake" you arch your eyebrows, trying to prove your point.

Jake chuckles softly, dropping his arm at his side with a sigh.

"Alright, then. If you're so faithful to your boyfriend, just give me a kiss" you blink twice.

"Jake, I'm not--" you shut, just looking at him for a moment. "I won't..." you can't keep talking, so you just sigh and kiss his cheek briefly. "There. Happy now?"

Jake smiles, tilting his head to look at you properly.

"Good girl. Now..." he grabs your hand gently, caressing it with his thumb. "Come with me, your boyfriend will never know anything." he take a step closer, looking at you with his stupid puppy eyes.

"You are insufferable, Jake" you say instead. But you don't say an explicit no.

Jake takes it as a win.

"Yup, and you love it. Right?" he lets go your hand. A winning smile on his lips.

"I don't" but of course, you were lying. That was kinda fun, cause you were terrible at lying too.

"Yeah, you do. Stop deny it." he laughs softly, taking his steps back to his place of work. "Come with me tonight. Not to the club, my home" he propose.

And of course, you are going to say no. Because you have a boyfriend and you like him... right?

"Fucking hell" you say instead, nodding at his proposal.

-

Jake's flat is absolutely comfortable, and you really like it. The soft music on the back, the books, the posters. All of it. Even the plants that Jake loves.

You hate yourself for being there, anyway. You shouldn't. It was wrong. And you were going to break some poor boy heart just because you can't stay away from... him.

And even so, you accept the cup of wine that Jake gives to you. It's weirdly domestic. Too odd.

"So..." he says, lighting a cigarette for himself as he sits besides you on the couch. He left the cup rest on the little table in front of you. "I don't talk to you for a day and you get yourself a boyfriend? That's interesting" he smirk, holding the cigarette between his lips.

"Fuck off" you roll your eyes. It hasn't been a day, it has been a whole month.

He went to somewhere with Simone for vacations and didn't call at all. But that was okay, because you and him weren't dating. You were focusing on your studies and the job on the restaurant. That was all.

"Tell me about him, please. I'm dying to know" he release the smoke with a smirk. You can hear the sarcastic tone on his voice, so you don't answer to that.

"What's his name?" he insist, resting his foots on the table too.

You sigh. "His name is..."

Jake snores, loudly. Then he release the smoke again. Right into your face.

"Jesus, Jake. You're five" you finish your drink with one gulp.

"Oh, please. I don't care about your boyfriend at all, (Y/n). I only care about you and the fact that suddenly you decided to date a man" another man, Jake thought.

"I think I remember you said you don't care about me at all the last time we've been together" you raise your eyebrows, amused. "What? Are you going to tell me you're jealous now?" you tease him, turning around to face him.

He frowns, letting the cigarette rest on the table. "Yeah. I'm jealous as hell" he turns to face you. Two big hands grabbing your waist and pinning you into the couch. "I don't want anyone to have you, specially your stupid boyfriend. You should be mine"

He was talking dead serious, looking at your eyes with nothing but annoyance. He means it.

"No, you just angry because someone face you to say no. That's why." you remove his hands easily, pushing him away as you move to stand up. " You can't accept the idea of a simple no. Well let me tell you something, Jake. I'm not like the others girls that fall with your charm. Or your angry face. Or your puppy eyes"

Jake's angry face changes to an amused one. Raised eyebrow and smirk. You look at him for a moment, confused.

"Is that so?" he says, his voice sounding roughly and deep. "If you're so devoted to him, what are you doing here?" he asks, raising one hand to grab your hip and drag your body to his lap.

And you do.

Now, you were sitting peacefully in his lap like the good girl you were.

"Why would you be here if isn't because you want this as much as I want it? I want you to be mine" he was already kissing your neck as he continue talking.

Fuck, you really shouldn't.

But Jake touches you so gently, caressing your back until his fingers find the clasp of your brassier and release your boobs free under your shirt.

"And, honestly, I would miss your little cunt around my cock" you whimper with the statement, melting with his kisses and his caresses.

"It's not cheating if no one knows, right?" Jake laughs on your ear, kissing your cheek softly. You were repeating his words.

"No" he says.

His thumb pinches your nipple, while squeezing your other boob.

And, in a blink, you were riding his dick like your life depends on it. It was absolutely pornish the way your bodies together sound. How every jump make the sofa grind and how sweet Jake moans your name.

"You are so tight for me, baby. So wet, so perfect" he bites your neck and you whimper louder.

"Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck" you can barely speak, too concentrate in following the tickles in your belly. "Ah, ah~" you close your eyes at the feeling, too close. Just a bit longer and you'll cum.

Jake hold the grip on your thighs so hard that you can actually feel his fingers marking you. But you can also feel his teeth biting you and his tongue caressing your nipples.

"Jake! Jake, Jake I--" you shiver and open your eyes to reach for his gaze. His pretty blue eyes lost in the black iris of lust. "Ah, please. Please, please. I'm-- I-" you almost cry out your moans.

"Yes, baby. Cum for me, what are you waiting?" Jake sighs, roughly. Holding you tightly as your orgasm strike. "Oh, fuck. You're so good. You feel great, all warm and wet for me" he grabs your jaw gently, reaching for a kiss. His lips were soft, but somehow he makes the kiss nasty, biting your lower lip and allowing his tongue into your mouth.

It leaves you breathless. It was too much.

And so, his fingers goes down and touch slightly your clit. You squirm, your whole body feels electrified by his touch alone. He's very much hard inside you yet, so you make an effort to keep going.

"Jake" you call, tears already falling down on your cheeks. "Jake, you're so good. C'mon, cum with me" your voice is cracked, overwhelmed by the feeling.

You shut your eyes again when the second orgasm hit you, and you can also feel the warm seed of Jake filling you. You sob, hiding your face on the crock of his neck for a moment.

It feels good. It feels right. Like you belong there.

"I came inside" he says, voice deeply and fucked.

"Yeah, I can feel you" you keep your eyes closed while he caress your back gently. If you stay like that, you'll fall asleep.

"Let me clean you"

"No, just... just a moment" you can feel yourself already dripping, but he feels so good like that. His soft cock inside you like its the normal place to be.

"Petty" he says, mocking. He kiss your forehead, moving you softly to rest on the couch.

And you just stay there while he reaches for wet towels to clean you.

"Look, your dropping all of it on my couch" he's joking, of course. But yet, you put your fingers down and grab all the fluid you can before putting it inside you again.

You see his dick twitch with the scene.

"You're a menace, d'you know that?" he laughs, cleaning the rest of you, and himself.

"Am I?" you ask, looking at him with innocent eyes. He grabs his t-shirt from the floor and gives it to you.

"Let's go to bed, shall we?" his impossible smile back on his face.

You squint. "I should go home already"

Jake looks down at you, then at the clock above. "It's fucking three am. And you're full of me inside you, I'm not letting you go" he grabs you gently and carry you as a princess to his room.

"You really wanted to say that I was full of you, right?" you ask when he let you on bed. He glances at you, smiling.

"Yes"

[good--merits-accumulated]

mini-oneshot; post Neil's death. the usual content warnings apply - depression + some pretty severely bad mental health + alcohol + injury + quite a bit of swearing.

For a long time afterwards he lay and did nothing. He lay until his bones fused with the sheets and Meeks started to look pale and then they came in and threatened him with suspension so he got up and went to class. But in his mind he was lying still, all the time. The others let him alone half out of pity and half out of fright, like a dog that should have been put down when it was a runt. He tried to care but could not care about caring. The new teacher set them an essay on iambic pentameter and instead of writing it he reproduced one of Rimbaud’s poems, the one that began Pitoyable frère! Que d'atroces veillées je lui dus… The essay came back unmarked with a hasty grade scribbled in the margin, and he thought, great. So I can’t even rebel right. Then what the hell did he do it for? At nights he would lie down and listen jealously to the sound of his own breathing, trying to breathe like someone else, and hating all the time the dark mound of blankets that was Cameron’s back in the corner of his vision. 

He lay down and he lay down and he lay down until one night he woke up and he was no longer lying down but climbing out of the window. It had stuck in the frame as he pulled it up but it was holding, and he shimmied his legs out over the narrow sill, avoiding the open bottle of schnapps on the desk, and thought perhaps there had been enough lying, perhaps he would try running. It must be nice to feel the ground beneath your feet, the steady jolt of your heart in your chest, no entrapment, no cage… his fingers spasmed on the sill and his legs kicked involuntarily, like the legs of men when they were sentenced to hang. He made himself stop thinking. And then after that all was an explosion; sound and noise and no light, no light still but the sharp clinical mortuary beam of the moon by the window. He could not touch it, he tried, and then it was gone again out of his sight and Cameron was kneeling over him on the floor of the room, looking furious. What the fuck did you do that for, he was saying, or maybe it was Why the fuck are you acting like this, or even, Why the fuck him and not you? He tried to say something pithy like I was hoping you’d tell me that, slick, but his mouth seemed to be missing somehow. The words came out of him but he kind of knew he had not said them. Cameron knelt there for a long time, his mouth twisting with a great and terrified fury. There was something shining on his face – tears, maybe… he looked closer and it was blood. He looked down at his hands and saw two deep gouges, running lengthways across his palms. Then the words came. Kind of like Jesus, huh? he said, holding his palms up in front of him. Behind Cameron the door opened and Pitts came in. Maybe he’ll come back.

Jesus Christ, said Cameron, you’re drunk. All around them the shards of the schnapps bottle lay like diamonds, glittering, like the water of the lake he could see from the window. He remembered now; he had been trying to get there. His arms ached to swim. Cameron got up and trembled and said, Could have killed yourself. The rest of it he forgot in the time that passed. 

It was some days later that Pitts slapped him round the face; he jolted, surprised, but with no pain. Pull yourself together, he said to him, do you think any of us like seeing you like this, you shit, don’t you dare go away like that. Pull yourself together. It was desperation and it was ugly desperation but even the ugly desperation was something and everything stopped blurring together if only for a second. The anger had drained away with the slap and Pitts said to him, Meeks is sleeping in your bed tonight. You can take his.

They had moved the stack of books on his desk to Meeks’ temporarily, only taking his favourites, and something very muffled inside him began to weep at the sight. Pitts sat him down on the bed which was newly made and shoved him not unkindly into a lying position and tucked the blanket under him on all sides so that he felt enfolded, and said, Sleep. I’m going to bed too.

Not even curfew, Todd said.

Who gives a shit about curfew, said Pitts, it’s some kind of social construct, it doesn’t mean anything. Sleep. You want me to read you a story?

When he woke up again the moon was stark bright and casting light in slabs through the window and the book in Pitts’ hands had slumped to the floor. He had gotten halfway through the Morte d’Arthur. There had been a lake in that, too… He got up and went soundlessly to the window, which did not squeak this time, and climbed out. 

His shoes he left neatly by the bank. When he came back to himself he was already in the water, and it was so lovingly cold he could have cried, and did. The reality of each of his senses came back to life. Cold and cold and cold. He stretched out an arm and the water held it, and a foot and the water held that too. Each spike of ice through his limbs felt sweet. He heard Neil’s voice and saw Neil’s face, saying, No, and he told him No too in return. He would have to take care of himself, now. But he twisted in the water and thought to himself that Pitts would be waiting for him, which was a beginning. 

He pulled himself out of the lake and gasped for long burning moments, heard by no-one, and understood with complete certainty that he was alone. He would always be alone now, in some sense, for the rest of his life. That space within him would be empty. He opened his mouth and said it loudly: “I do not think he is coming back.” There was a relief to the feel of the words in his mouth that made him retch and he started to cry as he retched, ungracefully, sprawled there by the cold and glittering water. 

He cried until the tears and the vomit stopped coming and then he put the heels of his palms on the ground and pushed himself up against them, ignoring the sting. There was a new great and hollow space inside him and a piercing cold clarity and he had left, it seemed, all of his confusion inside the water. He stood up feeling like he had just been born. Then he started walking.

[sehtoast]

Writer Tag

Thanks for the tag @venus-haze <3

How many works do you have on AO3? 29

What's your total AO3 word count? 230k

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Tender Threads

Satisfy Me

One Big Wet Spot

Say Please

The Hand That Feeds

(All Homelander fics) ^

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Most of the time, but lately I haven't had the energy or the time. My social battery is pretty fucked, but I do read every single one of them and love them

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending? So it's technically unpublished, but it basically ends with Ben (my oc) sentencing himself to die pretty painfully alongside Homelander with that thing that got revealed in Gen V. If you know you know

What’s the fic you've written with the happiest ending? Honestly, Envy.

Do you write crossovers? I've done an AU crossover for the same fandom, but not really

Have you ever received hate on a fic? Most of the hate I get is in my tumblr inbox. I haven't really done/said anything about it bc no one really wants to see or hear about it tbh, but I've gotten a fair amount of shit for pairing homie with a guy and then also more for pairing him with a trans guy. I think the only ao3 hate i ever got was barely even hate, more like someone bitching that my tender threads formatting wasn't to their liking bc it's Y/n formatted

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yessir yessir. Honestly just whatever i'm vibin with

Have you ever had a fic stolen? not that i'm aware although i don't think i've written anything steal-worthy

Have you ever had a fic translated? no, but @anon-nee has been my personal jesus christ in helping me make sure my english to german translations in tender threads has been accurate. love you nonnums <3

Have you ever co-written a fic before? technically no, but @homelanderbutbig did a collab with me and made this to pair with a fic i wrote, which i feel like is co-creation so i'm gonna say yes anyway. love you HBB <3

What's your all-time favorite ship? honestly i don't really have one, unless i can count my ocxcanon ship in which case it's benlander

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will? i have a depowered homelander fic where ben answers the door one day and ryan, now in his late teens, is there to finally see homie again after all those years went by. i adore the concept but i'm like NEVER in the mindset i need to actually write something like that

What are your writing strengths? yall got strengths?

What are your writing weaknesses? all of them

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? i think it's fine so long as there's clarification shortly after for the readers who may not understand, and also that you've somehow gotten it cross checked by someone who actually speaks the langauge so ensure you're not just saying some wild shit. but ultimately do whatever makes you happy idk bro i don't make the rules

What was the first fandom you wrote for? Prometheus! i was am down so bad for david omg

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to? astarion/tav. i wanna write something sooooo bad but i just can't get in the headspace for it

What's your favorite fic you've written? probably satisfy me because the role swap was incredibly fun and it's REALLY fucking cool to unbind homelander from his own behavioral patterns and manifest them into a reader's concept. like, of everything i've written, i could most clearly imagine everything that happened in that fic and i'd find myself grinning like a sick fuck while writing about literally eviscerating a man's chest cavity lmao

No pressure tags: @blindmagdalena @hom3landr @irenadel @slasher-smasher and anyone else who wants to participate

[cozycompositions]

Whumptober Day 2: Delirium, “They don’t care about you”

This fic is based on and inspired by @jittyjames ‘s “the price of his war”. Her stuff is AMAZING please go read it ALL. (we also have a collab up on AO3 hehe)

“I hate you,” Alexander murmured drunkenly. When no response came, he finally looked up to make eye contact with the person across from him. He was met with his own cold eyes staring back at him, shining with the alcohol and tears that wouldn’t fall yet. His face was flushed embarrassingly.

“I hate you,” he said again a bit louder. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”

In a blink the mirror was scattered in large shards in front of Alexander. A sob escaped from his throat as he ripped his hand back and cradled it against his chest, now slowly dripping with blood.

“Fuck!” He shouted in his grief, though to no one in particular as the house was empty to the point of an echo.

“Fuck!”

The sobs were ripped from Alexander’s throat, rough and painful. They were a hurricane of their own. Once they started there was no stopping them.

Alexander backed himself against the opposite wall and slowly sank down with his knees to his chest.

“Such harsh words, my dear.”

Alexander gasped in fright as his eyes shot open. He frantically looked around the room for the source of the voice. A terrified cry escaped from him as he was met with the image of the king standing before him.

“I would have wished you would have a warmer welcome for me.”

That horrible, tormenting voice he had tried so hard to escape.

“Don’t come any closer!” Alexander shrieked. “Stay the fuck away from me!”. He hated how his voice wavered as if it had never settled.

The king did not obey him, instead moving to kneel in front of him and touch his face.

God, even the touch felt so real.

“Oh, dearest, how far you’ve strayed from my lessons. Don’t worry, we’ll remedy that soon enough.”

Throwing his head to the side to escape the touch, Alexander shouted, “You can’t come near me anymore. Or-“

“Or what?” the king laughed condescendingly. “Or Washington will have my head? Or John Laurens will seek me out? Oh, my love, you really think they care that much, don’t you?”

Hamilton’s breath was caught in his throat as he tried to not absolutely lose it. Nothing felt real. He was questioning everything around him now that this apparition was back. He knew this wasn’t the real king, but-

“No one cares as much as I do.”

-But his words were just as the real king would be saying.

He couldn’t ever escape.

A knock distantly sounded at the front door and with one blink the king was gone. For now. Somehow on shaky legs Alexander made it to the door and peeked out into the night.

“Jesus Christ,” Burr exclaimed, “Hamilton, what’s happened?”

“Burr,” Hamilton half heartedly greeted.

Burr narrowed his eyes and gently shoved into the entryway.

“Come on in,” Alexander muttered, closing the door behind Aaron.

“No one’s heard from you in days, Alexander. What’s happened?” he repeated.

You think they care about you?

“Nothing. Did you come here to interrogate me?”

Burr sighed and held up his hands in a surrendering motion.

“Woah, listen, we’re just worried. John’s been worried sick the past few days-“

“Then why doesn’t John come see me himself?”

Burr sighed again and surveyed Hamilton up and down. Alexander hated it. He was tired of men leering at him.

No one as much as I, my dear.

Hamilton squeezed his eyes closed against the voice.

“Alexander, have you been drinking?” Burr’s voice came suddenly further away. Hamilton followed him to the kitchen and the bottles on the table entered his line of sight.

“So what if I have been?”

“Alex-“

“Since when is it a crime for a full grown ass man to take the edge off!”

Burr massaged his temples as he took calming breaths.

“Hamilton, listen-“

“No! You listen! I’m tired of you all coming into my home and telling me how to cope! It’s my life!”

Alexander punctuated his sentence with a weak blow to Burr’s chest. Aaron caught his fist and inspected it closely.

“Alexander, you’re bleeding!”

Oh, right. The mirror. He had completely forgotten. Burr had grabbed a cloth from the counter and was dabbing away the blood that was still sluggishly pouring.

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Alexander.”

You can’t keep doing this to us, Alexander.

[kusundei]

jesus CHRIST im doomed. frustrated because nobody is talking to me? jonathan asked me one question ab it and i was like oh my god maybe there is hope but nooooo. no nothing. god forbid i was honest and i pleaded with you but you just ignoreddd mee. it would be so nice if you could just be . normal? and talk to me? if youre so upset then verbalize it like you do normally. youre dragging it on for no reason and just being evil and immature about it like youre my mom???? why r you choosing now to be silent??? because i told you the truth and thats not what you wanted to hear? because you felt like i was ridiculing you when i wasnt? if you could just listen and believe me and trust me sometimes there would be no issue at all. i wouldnt have to lie or anything we could literally be fine

im just. frustrated again. because even if today doesnt work out how long r you going to keep this up for??? id rather you pester me with questions and lash me than do THIS. its just so so so frustrating. you truly r everything i do not want to be if anything you and jd r soooo similar and maybe thats why i could put up w it for so long??? icjust keep going back and forth. iiii have no motivation i don’t want to do anything i want to rot away. whyyy is this so hard??? why cant you talk to me?????? was it truly that big of an issue??? i told you the truth. i wasnt making fun of you i DO think about you and your feelings iiiii swear to god i do. you say all the time i dont ever think about you but ive always tried??? maybe i am selfish and i dont exactly put you first in most situations and thats horrible on me its just. so. upsetting. i hate hate hate the mindset of being like “ohhh you did this to me so i’ll do it back” because god thats so??? immature??? maybe im being evil because im not truly taking into consideration how you’d feel its just ohhh my god. oh my fucking god?? im sorry iiii cant you r so. frustrating??? and god i fucking hate hate HATE. your voice. your voice drives me insane i dont understand how you cant just talk to people like a normal person? why is it so hard for you to consider that other people have feelings and opinions and not everything is a jab at you or is just about you in general??? i feel so evil being so upset its just oh my fucking. god. your voice is grating. i literally asked yoy i said “dont yell at me just listen to me” and yoy know what you did??? you still yelled at me??? said “how am i expected to not yell at you when you do this” like what the fuck???? thats the point but you dojt have to yell all the time? youre so angry every single fucking day and i am just asking you for one moment . where you can be reasonable and just LISTEN. i know you get upset easily and yoyre so infuriated by me but cant you just? give me one thing? listen to me for once without verbalizing how upset you are like??? anger management maybe??? i cant ever get a sentence out because you refute it without listening completely to what im saying. yoy jump to conclusions and you lash me and you dont ever BELIEVE ME. i dont lie typically theres always a reason if ive fucking lied and despite that i dont even lie to you normally??? i havent lied??? youve been like this since i was a kid you have never trusted me at all and iiiiidontgetit???????

im just. runninf around in circles at this point i am just. frustrated again. jist talk to me. literally. im being open i know yoyre not talking to me because youre thinking about it and youre being immature and BECAUSE OF THAT you r finding your own conclusions without hearing the entire thing. its so fucking frustrating i wish i could just GET TO YOU. its like im talking to a brick wall there truly is just a barrier between the two of us and i try over and over i DO i have tried to repair it over and over again but nooo? i dont think thats ever going to happen because youre never really gonna get over yourself?? am i selfish or am i deemed selfish because you have to think about other people instead of yourself for pnce??? you complain time and time again i only think for myself but i dont even? ask you for things? ive ALWAYS put other people before me iii dont care. at least in my head i see it that way and other people agree i suppose its just you. you see me completely differently and i dont know how to take that because youre supposed to know me well but cleaaarly you dont know me at all???? at least i think so. its jjst ohh my fickign god im going to tear my hair out i cant win with you. im NEVER going to fucking win its actually horrible and sickening and you make me sick time and time and time again. nothing ever makes me as upset as you do. as AWFUL. as it sounds truly i think that if you werent around or if you were different iiii would be okay. id be so much better i wouldve been fine and happy and carefree like i am when you are gone. its just i get reminded of where i am actually and especially going home and its just. god. i hate school genuinely but its so much better than being home iii cant fucking stand it oh my god

im going. to kill myself. i am. losing my mind. im so frustrated im actually like raging or something how can you be so immature iiii dont get ittt??? but then again i go back and forth being like areee you selfish or is it rlly just me and im shifting the blame??? thats why i can never rlly vocalize my feelings because i always feel so bad when i do becasue i feel like im giving myself the benefit of the doubt and not considering pther people but id like to think thats just. me being considerate. god forbid i ever feel things im just. god. god god god. i caaant^_^ im sososo fucking upset again^_^ but i am kind i am fine its fine i dont caareee IDONT CARE. idont care i just feel bad because iiimm trulyy still hoping theres some. light there still. but realistically i dont think there is and iii dont wanna admit thay im just. losing it

just rotting in bed again today i guess iii. have no motivation i cant do anything and i hateee when people r upset at me regardless if im also upset at them its jist. fucking . i feel selfish but im also soso upset but im upset that im upset because i feel like youre selfish????? iiiii. dont fucking know im just. waiting. i am here. praying to god youll talk to me or soketjingim LOSING MY FUCKIGN MIND i jeed tocalm down. i will calm down and be okay^_^ i am fine its fine i love. my boyfriend. so much. i need to get out of here i feel like im suffocating or something

[grimescum-2]

quick collection of head canons for funsies :o3 i dont know if i've mentioned any of these before or not but oh well

- i think anderson would be the kind of guy to absolutely melt into any physical affection. like, imagine this big tall dude leaning down so u can hold his big ol face in yr hands

- i am going to preach about kittycoded anderson until the day i die. it literally makes so much sense he and alucard fight like cats and dogs

- anderson prays before he eats anything. if you eat over at his house u best believe he wants you to join him (he respects if you don't do that but why would u not want to? literally free opportunity to hold his hand) sourced from my christian ass family

- "jesus christ" "DON'T use the lords name in vain"

- walter tries to be modest with physical affection so he wouldn't really know what to do at first . i think he'd def prefer verbal affection, praise, stuff like that

- walter is naturally particular about details. perfectionist that won't stop until he gets it right, includes basic tasks like cleaning and cooking

- walter is homophobic /j /j /one of my friends said he looked racist and homophobic in the first anime

- although not really a music person, i think walter's fave genre would be swing or jazz. he was born back then right??$? i did the math at some point but i forgot

- i've said this before but I'll say it again for this post, walter def puts a lot of care into his appearance. probably has some kind of skincare routine. the bitch

- walter enjoys watching old black and white movies in his free time. def one of those old people who complain about modern technology and the newer generation. much less obnoxious about it though

- if you gave walter a phone and told him to open settings he would explode. if he called u successfully without breaking it he'd be all like "i did it :D!! i pressed ONE button!!" then proceeds to accidentally call you all the time

- walter takes forever to type, signs his text messages and though he uses proper grammar he has occasional spelling errors because he has no clue what he's doing

- seras uses emojis often + a lot of exclamation marks, occasional run on sentence. if integra texts at all it's always perfectly grammatically correct or, like, 1-2 sentences. if not a singular word. i'm weird abt how alucard would text because i really think he'd say shit like lol lmao w basic grammar (punctuation and shit) but also ehhh??

- "have you seen my monocle i cant find it" "its on your face" "Oh"

- walter hates being publicly embarrassed. gets red in the face really quickly

- i dont think alucard has a favorite genre of music but still enjoys seeing what people come up with. i do think he'd have a preference for alternative or experimental music

- alucard is the epitome of adhd in my mind because i imagine he's always bored and up to fucking something. he'll come into integra's room and stand around like an idiot until he realizes he forgot what he came there for and leaves. talks and laughs to himself like a WEIRDO

- being alive for so long i think alucard would've tried everything at least once. now hes bored of it all and doesn't really have any hobbies aside from stalking people

- alucard also melts into any physical affection but i think he'd be the kinda guy to physically grab your arm and put it around him or something

- i dont know if he would exactly but imo he'd at least think about putting a bunch of random shit in his mouth. imagine u give him a flower or something and he leans down and eats it

[larrikin-is-a-himbo]

My thoughts on Russian Doll: Rewatch Edition [Part 1]

I had forgotten how unexpected and jumpscare-y the first time Nadia dies is.

RUTH MY DARLING. HOW I MISSED YOU.

I could be at the best party of my life, surrounded by the people I love and who love me, and yet I would spiral into a sadness dissociation. Nadia is just like me fr. (I know the trauma was very recent but you get what I'm saying)

I love that homeless guy so much you don't understand. I don't care about the ex though.

Nadia, why are you sitting in such a vulnerable position when you've already died once?

It's actually so much interesting to see the people around Nadia slowly lose their sentience as the universe continues collapsing their reality. A great example of it is Maxine. You can see how much this timeloop affects everyone, best through her. There's subtle changes (maybe this needs a post of its own)

Love that she still thinks it's the drugs and not just the misfortune of being the victims of universe's educating spree.

I think something worse than dying again and again is dying in the same way multiple times. These goddam stairs.

Imagine being Maxine and your friend is just acting full on CRAZY crazy.

Giving new meaning to "It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to"

Going to the Rabbi. I think I would start going to priests/pandits/any other terminology used for them, if I was going this insane as well. I can't figure out if she's Jewish me or not though. As much as I can remember from my first watch, she's not. (I don't want to repeat the part.)

My favourite thing about Nadia, as a protagonist, is that she's not a saint, she's not likeable all the time. She has a lot of fuck ups, even if she's suffering at the whims of the universe. Normally, female characters aren't allowed to be raw and messy and human is such manner. Really shows you the difference in a show made by a woman and a show made by a man.

MY MAN IS HERE. Boy, you have a lot of loser energy but I love that so come here, baby.

"Like, if you weren't paying me, I never would've spoken to you" Wow. That wasn't even said to me and it stung so bad.

He has this deep sadness in him. An aching to keep his life in control, to be understood, to keep things as they are. It's an impossible thing to do, to accept that you can't avoid change.

"You fucked the gingerbread man?!" "Don't call him that." "YOU CALL HIM THAT." BAHAHAHA

Love the way Nadia finds Alan's name. Just based on the fact that he's uptight and way too routine oriented.

I HAD FORGOTTEN THE DOUCHEBAG NADIA MEETS ON THE FIRST NIGHT WAS THE GINGERBREAD MAN.

Death by electrocution. Jesus fucking Christ. That's horrible.

YES, MY BOY. Go completely unhinged. [<- Just threw his stuff like a normal person instead of rearranging it like a serial killer]

"Okay, check it out. I gave everybody here an opportunity to tell me I'm a bad person. Nobody did it because I fucking rule, so... there goes your theory." This is going to be my mindset for the rest of my life. Impostor syndrome who?

I love the little details since Ep1 of how this loop is affecting the real world. The people disappearing, the food rotting, the animals disappearing.

Going the route of making the main male and female characters a Weirdo duo >>>>>>>>>>

"I don't know who the fuck you are, I don't know what's going on here, but either you two suck each other's dicks or get the fuck out of my apartment." MAXINE THE QUEEN YOU ARE.

WHEN NADIA DIES BY RUTH'S HANDS IS THE SADDEST ONE SO FAR. I HATE IT SO MUCH.

"Nobody chooses me. I'm the hole where a choice should be." This hurt me. Hit too close to home.

The way Nadia is slowly being consumed by the grief of this reality of hers. Seeing John have his heartbroken again and again. It's just. Your grief just doesn't affect you, it affects everyone, it consumes everything around you. (I wish I could articulate my thoughts and feelings better. I struggle to even form coherent sentences these days)

"You created an impossible game with a single character who has to solve everything entirely on her own. That's stupid." "Watch and learn, baby face." This is what we call foreshadowing.

"I can fuck you better than Mike" My boy you need to be awake first.

It's about community and love and connections. And how we as social beings need other people to survive and thrive and be safe. In every way, the physical, emotional, we need people. We cannot be loners. That's not a viable way of living. The moral of the story is let others help you, believe that the world is a better place because you're in it.

Not just that but a sub plot (the building block to the major plot in S2) that no matter how much you suppress your inner child, no matter how much you try to forget them, they're still within you. You cannot take care of your present self or improve things for your future self until you acknowledge the child.

It's just, how beautifully it is shown the importance of human connection, loving and caring for others, why it is the utmost responsibility as humans to keep each other safe and well. Humans didn't come all this way without that love and compassion, and this recent trend of hyper-individuality has really fucked us over.

[racfoam]

Wasted 4 hours on Shadow and Bone S2.

SPOILERS BELOW (a very pissed off Rac below)

Fuck them for giving him that kind of death. Heartless assholes. Also, fuck them for not giving us a kiss. Fuck them for making the Tether sth that depends on the amplifier on his hand, fuck them for good-boying Mal from book! Mal (he was an asshole) and even then he was boring as fuck.

The Darkling's death scene in the books genuinely made me bawl, and go fuck off with your resurrecting Mal BS.

I just started skipping the Crow scenes. I'm here for the Grisha, not them. Just... What a waste of time.

We could have had that great scene from the books when the Darkling dies and Barnes could have delivered it, but noo, they just flipped everything up. Made Alina some cold-blooded killer and honestly, flipped her character up, too.

Yeah, go fuck off.

Why do these sorts of people have these jobs? Merlin and Saints and Jesus Christ. Apparently the screenwriter wanted to just make SoC — then make the show and keep the Grisha out of it. What a waste of the actors’ time.

Yeah, we had some great Darkling book moments but I really wanted to see his real death scene. This is just... Yuck. So inhuman and such disrespect to the character, both Darkling and Alina. (Also, skipped the cathedral kiss, so another fuck off from me)

But also, him going to protect Alina from his own nichevoya... Yeah, I loved that. Hated that plot point where apparently the merzost was killing him? I had to stop the video to cackle in despair because that is the biggest BS, that guy was powerful as hell, Book Darkling walks around unscathed with that, it doesn't weaken him, he IS THE SHADOW SUMMONER and a MOROZOVA, you think his own power would hurt him?

Go fuck off with that bs.

Everything else... Nah. If you like the crows, this show is for you. If you like Grisha, you're gonna have to do a lot of fckn skipping.

Damn, I feel sorry I wasted my time on this. The Darkling and Alina deserved better in all aspects, characterization and etc. This was some BS.

Now excuse me, I'll go re-read Out of Time. AO3 authors respect the characters and deserved to screenwrite the show.

Fuck off whoever wrote this screenplay (I mean, we know who wrote it, and we know the screenwriter hates Alina and the Grisha so what was I expecting, oh I dunno some fckn respect I guess).

If you need me, I'll be on AO3.

One last thing. Alina held Aleksander in her arms as he died. He didn't die alone. Alina held his hand, too, the entire time. They were holding hands.

“Say my name.”

“Aleksander.”

“Don't let me be alone.”

And Alina didn't let him be alone. Alina stayed with him. Aleksander wasn't alone, he was with Alina.

Just typing these three sentences had tears coming into my eyes. The Darkling and Alina deserved better, as did the actors portraying them. What a waste of their time and talent and what a disrespectful adaptation, both to the characters, the actors and the audience.

[verdantmeadows]

Earlier my mom called me while I was trying to nap asking me "what I was gonna do for dinner" for her and my stepdad and I didn't say shit about how I was tired and just said okay, and she told me to make in an hour because they weren't hungry! So I set an alarm to take a 60 minute power nap. And then she calls me 30 minutes through it to say "Can you make it now? We're hungry and if you don't make it now [your stepdad] is just gonna eat crackers" and like. That is not what you fucking told me! To do! I would not have started to nap if you had told me :) to do that :)!!! And you don't have to guilt trip me! And I was like "well I was trying to nap so I could have energy to pack and finish my laundry—" and before I could finish my sentence about how I was gonna say in the future, tell me what you mean for time because I accounted for an hour and you did not Give me an hour. And she then she starts to lecture me about my frequent napping and says "It's fine. He'll just eat crackers." so I was like "No, I can do it I was just saying—" And she was like "nope! I don't want you to make dinner. It's fine" (clearly not fine) so I just said okay and left her room. I love my mom but I hate it when she does her weird guilt trippy shit like this. I know I should be able to function without naps but I literally try to do something I need to do like laundry and get so exhausted that I either sleep on the floor then and there or I start crying from being unable to do it despite wanting to do it more than anything. I do not understand why I'm like this. Also just like IDK if you expect me to make dinner (which I'm normally not) then maybe tell me earlier in the day!!!!! Rather than WHEN you want it! Jesus Christ