#i hate that i am feeling so much pressure to cover up everything about myself

[miek-unofficial]

i think people should have more imperfections actually. physical primarily.

[sakura1uvr]

best prom night ever!!

Fluff

A/N: Really bad pls i hate it sm 💔 the first and last time i ever write because i have 0 experience with writing so bear with me now 😭

Synopsis: not seeing your girlfriend sucks

Pairing: Winter (Aespa) x f!Y/N

Warning: really cringe

Requested: @pandoraha

MEN DNI

It was a school day. You were just casually walking with your friends Yuna and Chaewon. They were talking about some nonsense. Clothes and fashion or whatever you truly didn't pay attention. All that was on your mind was your girlfriend Minjeong.

She didn't show up to school these past few days and ignored your texts so as anyone would do you were worried about her. You stopped zoning out when someone pushed you slightly with their elbow. It was Yuna. "Y/N! Did you hear anything i said?" You were confused. You didn't pay attention at all. "Sorry what did we talk about?" Yuna sighed. "Do you have any plans for prom? Anyone to go with?" Right. Prom was coming up. Chaewon was going with Yunjin and Yuna was going with Chaeryeong and you.. well you had nobody to go with because Minjeong was ignoring you.

"Not really.." you muttered. "Why don't you ask Soobin? He showed alot of interest in you and asked you multiple times" Chaewon looked at Soobin across the hall talking with some randoms. "Sorry Chae i am.. not really interested." They didn't know you were going out with Minjeong.

The bell rings and you wave to your friends then go to your last class for today. It wasn't that interesting to be honest you just learned about some topics that you truly didn't care about. The class soon ends and you step out of the classroom. The sun cuts thru the hallways, slightly blinding your vision. You just can't shake off the feeling that there is something wrong with Minjeong. It's not like she can just dissapear without a word given the fact that you guys talk everyday.

As you walk home your phone buzzes. You take it out of your pocket and open the notification. Kinda expecting your loved girlfriend to respond to your messages. You sigh when you find out that it was just your friends talking about the prom theme.

You open the door to your apartmant and toss your bag somewhere else. You grab a snack and sit on your bed. It became a slight routine for you.

You turn on the tv to distract yourself but you just can't stop thinking about your girlfriend. Why won't she answer? Why wasn't she in school? You grab your phone and write a text to minjeong. "Hey mj. Just wanted to check up on you. What happened? Where are you? Why weren't you at school?" You sigh when you see another message being left on delievered. You toss your phone next to you and cover your face with your hands. A thought came into your mind. What if you ask her to meet up? Minjeong really likes going out especially with you so it wouldn't hurt to try. "Would you like to meet up? We can go to the park and just talk about things.." you hit send and go to bed.

The next day slowly rolls in and the minutes pass by like hours. The last bell rings and you run to your car. You get to the car and go to your favorite place to be with your favorite person. You scan around to see if her familiar figure has appeared. You spot her at a bench and sit next to her.

"Hey.." you say softly. "Hey," she replies quietly, almost like a whisper, "how have you been?" she continues. "Good i guess. What about you?" You question, looking at her hands that were playing with the strings of her hoodie. "Just... family and stuff" you nod. "You know that we are dating right? You can tell me anything that comes to your mind.. I may not have the best advice but i am willing to listen."

She looks at you and smiles. "Thank you.. I haven’t been handling things well. There’s this pressure to keep up with grades and everyone expects so much from me... But I don’t even know what I want for myself.. It's really hard you know.?"

You feel a pang in your chest. “You don’t have to have everything figured out right now. It’s okay to take your time.” Minjeong chuckles softly, but it’s tinged with sadness. “I guess it’s hard to remember that when everyone else seems so certain. And then there’s you…” She pauses, a hint of a smile breaking through the heaviness. “You seem to have everything under control. I didn’t want to drag you down with my problems.”

“Minjeong…” you begin, but she holds up a hand, stopping you.

“It’s just… I didn’t want you to see me like this. I felt so alone.” Her voice cracks, and you feel your heart ache even more. “I didn’t even answer your texts because I thought you’d get tired of me. I didn’t want to make you worry. You mean alot to me so i want you to be happy."

You scoot closer, placing a hand gently on her back. "You could never be a burden to me. I care about you too much for that." The sincerity in your voice seems to resonate, and you watch her expression soften.

"Honestly, it felt nice to be missed," she admits, her voice suddenly steadier. "I thought maybe you'd forget about me if I disappeared for a while."

"Forget about you?" You laugh lightly, trying to cut through the tension. "That's impossible. You mean too much to me."

A small smile breaks through her worry-the first genuine expression you've seen from her in days. "Really?"

"Really," you confirm, your voice earnest. "You're not just my girlfriend; you're my best friend. And I want to support you through whatever you're going through."

The light of the setting sun casts a warm glow, bathing you both in a soft embrace. If you could bottle this moment, you'd keep it forever. It feels like the weight of the world is beginning to lift, and with it, a renewed sense of hope.

As you sit in comfortable silence you decide to get alittle bold. You kiss her softly on the lips. Minjeong seemed suprised but kissed back. "Gosh i missed you." Minjeong laughes at your comment and pats your head. "I missed you too my love."

You hug it out and get up. "One last thing before we leave.." Minjeong looks at you "what is it?" You take a slight deep breath and say "Well would you like to go to prom with me? You know.. to get your mind off of things? It will be our chance to just enjoy ourselves... no pressure just us being together."

Minjeong slightly chuckles and smiles at you. "Yes of course i would love to go to prom with you. I could really use some fun now." You smile happily and hug her again. "It's a date then! I will make it the best prom you have ever been to!" You claim. Minjeong just smiles at you, falling inlove with you even harder than before.

You pay your goodbyes and walk home. It's gonna be an amazing week after all.

[faislittlewhiteraven]

Undertale Yellow: An amazing fangame with one glaring thing I hate about it (that I need to rant about or else I'm going to go insane).

As the title says, Undertale Yellow was a game I really enjoyed playing. Lots of fun dialogue and designs, utterly fantastic art and animation (holy hell that Flowey fight! <3 <3 <3), great music and feels, etc. Seriously it deserves a ton of praise, not only as a fully completed fangame that took years of development, but as genuinely amazing prequel to one of my favorite games of all time.

...Unfortunately. Much as I truly enjoyed playing through the majority of the game, when I finished the True Pacifist route I was intensely unhappy with how that went and while the credits scenes and funeral for Cover helped ease some of the worst of it, I cannot help but wonder who the flipping f$%& in the development team thought presenting Clover's suicide as the 'just and happy' ending that all the friend characters accept with barely any argument was a good idea?!

Now to clarify: I went into Undertale Yellow knowing that Clover was going to die and that there were good odds their death was going to be self sacrificial or involve suicide. Undertale Yellow is a prequel to Undertale after all and children being murdered and/or sacrificing themselves for the greater good of lovable monster kind is an established part of the setting.

I came in knowing this game was bound to end tragically. I was excited to see how this game would pull that inevitable tragedy off while exploring the Yellow soul's theme of Justice and staying true to Undertale's established canon.

And all the way right up to the end of the True Pacifist ending I truly thought they'd nailed it: The constant pressure of the monsters suffering and being trapped in the Underground despite their sweet and earnest natures, Dalv's clear issues regarding a human, Starlow's unintentional reinforcement of the 'one sacrifice for the greater good' idea with his trolley problem reenactment, the repeated back to back betrayals from characters who should be friends (the Feisty Five, Starlow, Ceraba) hurting Clover instead, the dull realization in universe for Clover that all their efforts to find the missing human children were all for nothing...

It was fantastic. There was a real sense of looming dread for me, seeing all those moments and just knowing in my gut that after the desperate struggle with the agonized and grieving Ceraba, ranting about how monster kind is doomed as it stands, that Clover would start thinking of sacrificing their life for monster kind, especially when their 'sense of Justice' at the start of the game had them willingly jump into a gaping pit they couldn't have possibly have known the height of, for the sake of mission they (according to Flowey) easily abandon when offered a loving home instead. (aka implying not so great things about how much they value their own life)

So. With all that 'hyped for tragedy' in mind, there I am at the True Pacifist ending. I've just spared Ceraba, the friends are all arguing as to how to keep Clover (and possibly any future humans who fall) safe and Clover begins to go into something of a zone out, thinking about all the things they've heard and seen over the course of their adventure.

This is it! I think to myself as I watch it play out. This is where Clover, after everything they've been through, makes the tragic yet understandable mistake of running away from their friends and confronting Asgore just as Flowey kept encouraging them to! Not to fight and bring Asgore to justice but to try talking him down and when they fail that, offering up their life to help and 'save' their friends even as the narrative will (matching Undertale) will make it clear that this is a mistake and only hurts everyone involved, just like every suicide and child murder in Undertale hurts everyone involved until Frisk is able to end the cycle of pain by rejecting the Kill or be Killed premise and setting the monsters free! Wow, I can't believe it, they set it up so well, what a perfect way to tie into Undertale's greater narrative via tragic prequel, I love this eeeeee!

Except of course that's not what happens.

My first hint something is off is when the quotes Clover's 'remembering' in their little bubble start being way too positive for the set up (also there's nothing from the trolley problem section). The second is when the music shifts from quiet to holy and then outright happy.

And third is when Clover snaps out of it and point blank tells their friends they choose to die. Now, I'm getting a little confused and wary at this but alright, this is a pretty long sequence already but I guess we get to have one final hope moment before Clover somehow gets away from their friends to die (maybe Flowey if not Asgore?)-

-and then I am left absolutely flabbergasted as the friends who just spent the last huge chunk of the game trying to protect Clover/getting talked out of killing them because 'its not right' end up agreeing with Clover's decision after a pitiful amount of arguing against it (where the utterly stupid 'there's no other option' reasoning is used as the primary reasoning despite all the other options being very clearly stated just moments ago), before the woman who's entire massive trauma arc that is centered around her accidentally killing her own child out of blind faith for 'the greater good', proceeds to assist Clover with their suicide (who she clearly views as a surrogate child despite her best attempts not to) while the other characters meekly say goodbye, give hugs and leave all while bittersweet but mostly sweet 'great job honey, this sucks but we're proud of you' music plays (also Flowey says stuff but like, its Flowey so frankly he could say anything and it'd be fine. He's not the issue here).

...Wow.

What a screwed up way for that to end. Like, I clearly get the 'idea' that Clover is meant to be noble and good and such but like, really? A fan game of Undertale (where one of the main ending messages was 'Don't kill and don't be killed', where a child's suicidal attempts to free monster kind lead to every major tragedy in the game, and where suicide was repeatedly shown to only make things worse through Asgore and Alphys in numerous neutral endings) is the game that decides having its protagonist's pointless self sacrifice should be honored and treated as a good ending by the narrative?????

How did none of the otherwise clearly brilliant people working on this miss the very bad, no good implications of Clover's friends being talked into letting them kill themselves and having the narrative frame it as anything but the worst end?????

I have many, many questions. And concerns. And...

Look, I do get it. Undertale Yellow is still a fangame. There are going to be weird notes in the tone due to different writers and such, and I should just be happy that the game was finished it at all, and accept that this god awful scene is probably just the result of its creators really, really wanting their beloved characters to go out as kindly (and beautifully drawn/animated) as possible with all the hugs and feels of canon Undertale without taking into account how much the very different context might warp the tone and the characterizations of everyone in the entire scene.

But like. God damn. There is something very off putting about not letting brave kind Martlet refuse to take this as an answer and then finding she actually can't stop it happening (and no her saying that after like two sentences from 'Ceraba who's judgement about the human sucks' doesn't count). About Starlow not recognising he and his posse might've had something to do with why Clover is thinking this. About Ceraba not on some level going 'IF THIS IS YOUR CHOICE THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME USE YOU TO SAVE KANAKO?!' Edit: Also a totally waste of prequel opportunity not to let Asgore visibly make the worst choices we canonly know he made on screen. Yes, he gets to stab Clover in the Flawed!Pacist route but Clover's trying to shoot him in that one; the fact we don't get to see him stab a 'far too willing to die for their friends and not defending themselves' Clover as the friend trio can do nothing to stop it from happening feels like such a cop out I swear XD

I'm all for 'Clover dies willingly' at the end of the True Pacifist but they way they did it was just... Really ugh in a way I'm finding tricky to word and I'm honestly shocked I haven't seen more people point it out (though admittedly that might be because I haven't really looked around much). ...So yeah. I know its too late to change said ending but really kinda hoping at some point one of the Undertale Yellow team realizes this might be an issue and thinks to add a content warning in the game's opening or something because it could really use one of those. Also that for any future projects they do, they happen to do a little more research into how to avoid accidentally glorify suicide as opposed to having it as a tragedy because damn they did not manage that here whatsoever.

---

ANYWAY, with all that rant finally out of my head some other stuff about Undertale Yellow I be feeling strongly:

Flowey's boss battle and the lead up to it is incredible and without a doubt makes the neutral route the most amazing well crafted route in the game. 10/10 may have already mentioned this in the massive rant above but if so gonna repeat it anyway because it's just that damn good.

Genocide route being a deconstruction of the 'disproportionate revenge is justice' 90s Anti Hero is very cool theme wise but the lack of the lack of stuff like notes in shops saying 'please don't kill my family' and monsters with less screen time getting more fleshed out drags it down a little, as does Clover not actually choking on dust or getting attacked by the human souls or something at the very end. Really do love the Martlet battle flashback moments and Axel's horrifically timed confession scene though.

The general uselessness of the ACT menu in big 'endurance' fights as well as the lack of 'alternative sparing ACTS' makes fights a lot less fun than they could be and I found myself a lot less willing to use them in general as a result despite them being my favorite thing about Undertale. Did still adore what fun stuff was in them though so I think it's just a case of them being a tad too out of focus compared to the bullet hell gameplay (which I'm not that good at) for my tastes.

Pacifist route could've really used some more optional hangouts and/or letters from the main friends. As is, the peak 'hang out' part of the game for me was the nap room I spent maybe two minutes in, and Dalv especially could've benefitted a ton from a bit more presence (I got more interaction from Mo and the rabbit who's tongue was stuck to a pole and I'm not happy about that? If nothing else not getting to see the inside of Martlet's house or help Dalv build his new home feel like lost opportunities).

Personal pet peeve and nothing too serious but not a fan of Asgore not getting the kill on Clover outside of Flawed Pacifist. Makes sense on most routes (glares at T!Pacifist again) given the way the plot is set up and all but given Toby Fox has repeatedly stated Asgore killed all the humans who fell post Chara it just drives me nuts XD (As does the poor Blue Soul getting treated as a killer/evil but like, I can see where people are coming on that one and Undertale Yellow uses that to amp up Chujin's nightmare fuel vibes fantastically so I shall reluctantly congratulate that theory's use there and steel myself for the inevitable 'wait you're using Undertale Yellow lore but Axis didn't kill Integrity?' questions that will be posted on my 'will eventually be posted' Undertale fanfics XDDDD)

Love all the main cast, especially Martlet, and I am way too hyped for the day Undertale Yellow and its main cast get their own fandom tags on AO3.

...Kanako's death was incredibly stupid and avoidable but like, that's kind of what I like about it? I really also wanna know which Amalgamite she became (I'm thinking probably the one that tucks Frisk in to sleep and pats them on the head because of her and Ceraba's little 'going to sleep' game but like, I could see a very heart wrenching case for her being part of So Cold as well).

Anyone reading this who somehow hasn't played Undertale Yellow should really stop reading this and go play the game. It's free, its (one major thematic issue I have moral objections to aside) pretty decently written, and hey, more Undertale stuff to have fun making fanworks with <3

Goddamn has Undertale Yellow kicked my drive to write Undertale fanfic into overload XD Thank you Undertale Yellow team for helping me get all fired up again and sorry about all the grr but dang it, it needed to be said and now that it's out of my system I can throw myself into finding ways to incorporate your settings and characters into fanworks of my own (admittedly the AU elements might make things kinda tricky -Asgore having to kill EVERY human child even more so- but that nifty little detail of early Royal Guard Martlet having and being willing to abuse her access to the Hotland Lab allows me so many ways to have Chujin be a well meaning awful person and I am living for it!) <3 <3 <3

[slaymitchabernathy]

Beating Heart

| "And I don't know where I'm going, but I know it's gonna be a long time. 'Cause I'll be leaving in the morning, come the white wine, bitter sunlight." |

For once, today will not be like other days. 

I wake up the same as always, surrounded by gray walls, dressed in gray clothes. I am surrounded by gray. Consumed by it. 

I am desperate to get out.

Not by necessity. I have everything I could ever need. But I’m selfish. Too selfish to be in Abnegation. I’ve seen how the others are, how selfless they are without even trying. How my father gives up his seat on the bus to a stranger without even batting an eye. How my neighbor Caleb always helps by opening the doors at school during dismissal. And how his younger sister Clara is always willing to lend a helping hand. 

I try to be selfless, to be helpful and I am, but not of my own volition. I wish I could be better, be more helpful but there’s a selfish part of me that longs to do things for myself, to not wear gray clothes and blend in with everyone else. “Stiffs” is what they call us. Since we’re always so stiff, always standing together like cattle. 

I have to get out of bed, start my day, cut my hair. I take my time getting out of bed, making sure that my covers are folded neatly and that my pillow is fluffed. At least I don’t have to worry about what to wear, it’s always the same thing. A gray dress, shapeless, unflattering, and a gray long-sleeved shrug. We get new clothes every once in a while but they’re never unique. 

I glance around my room one last time before saying goodbye to the four walls I’ve known my whole life. My life up until this point has been peaceful. It’s quiet in my house and I like that, I like how routine-oriented everything in my life is but if it doesn’t change soon then I just know that I’ll lose my mind. 

So today, I am going to be selfish. 

꧁ ꧂

My father is already downstairs eating breakfast. He gives me the warm smile he always gives me in the morning and nods towards my plate, full of boring, plain food. We only eat what’s necessary, only the nutrients that are absolutely required for our diets. I hate it. 

“How did you sleep?” I ask, it’s always custom that the children ask the parents about their days first. I’m going to miss our dinners together. Where he cooks the chicken and I cut the carrots. I’m going to miss my father. 

He swallows his food and grunts, “I slept quite well actually. How did you sleep? Any nerves keep you up at night?” 

A small smile teases my lips as I grab my cup of water and take a sip. I’ve attended enough Abnegation gatherings to know how most families interact with one another. Conversations are curt and surface level. My father is known for his calm demeanor and is a rather quiet man altogether. At home, he’s much more relaxed, much more open. Which surprises me, but I cherish it, cherish how he bends the rules sometimes and allows for more mature conversations. 

“I also slept very well,” I lie, feeling terribly guilty at how easy it’s become for me to lie to him, to everyone. “Although I must admit I’m quite nervous,” I add, and that’s not a lie. 

The Choosing Ceremony is today. I chose my future today.

I’ll have my name called out and I will walk onto the stage and take the knife and cut my palm, then I’ll drop my blood into one of the bowls that will determine how and where I spend the rest of my life. 

No pressure whatsoever. 

We took our Aptitude tests the other day, to help us narrow down and conclude which Faction we’ll belong in the best. It should’ve made me feel better, made my choice clearer but it didn’t.

My results were inconclusive. 

The one test that was supposed to tell me who I was and where I belonged was inconclusive. 

I, of course, slightly lost my mind. I begged the woman administering my test to tell me what my results meant, why they were inconclusive. She had taken me out the backdoor, into the alleyway of the school and whispered a few words that made me sick to my stomach, “People call it Divergent, you don’t fit into just one category. Just stick with your Faction and you’ll be fine Stiff.” 

I didn’t tell my father, didn’t tell anyone. I lied and said that the liquid they made me drink upset my stomach and that I got sent home early. It’s too easy to lie to these people, my people. I have to get out. 

He chuckles and shakes his head, “No need to feel nervous Soarynn. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.” 

Our eyes meet for a moment and I begin to wonder what he felt when it was his day to decide his future. My father was born into Abnegation, born and raised and now here I am, his only daughter getting ready to abandon him. I wish my mother were still alive. But she died when I was two. I don’t remember her a lot, and we don’t have any photos of her. Photographs are seen as self-centered and a source of vanity. I wish we had a photo of her.

But I look just like her. That’s what everyone’s told me at least. I remember her being beautiful, even dressed in drab gray clothes she was beautiful. I don’t think I’m beautiful. 

“Yes,” I say, looking down at my plate, “I’ll make the right decision.”

꧁ ꧂

Neither of us speaks as he cuts my hair. Today will be the last day my father ever cuts my hair. It’s not too long but not too short. It falls below my shoulders although it hardly matters since it’s always twisted up in a bun. I got my blonde hair from my mother as well. My father has brown hair and brown eyes. I have blue eyes, but they sometimes look gray, as if the clothing is rubbing off on them. 

I close my eyes as I sit out in the hallway in front of the small wardrobe we keep out here. The sound of the scissors cutting my hair does nothing to cut the tension in the air. I crack open one eye and take a glance in the mirror in front of me. We aren’t allowed to look in mirrors, more vanity. But every four months, on the third day of the first week, we’re allowed to look in the mirror. I open my other eye and I don’t really know what to think of myself.

Being sixteen is hard enough already, not knowing what you look like makes it even worse. My brown eyebrows remind me that I am still my father’s daughter and I take a moment to memorize my face. My skin is still tan and there are still freckles all over my face. My lips seem to be a decent shade of pink and I wonder what it would look like if I put lipstick on them.

We aren’t allowed to have makeup either. 

I’m still a stick figure much to my dismay. Father says that mother was the same way, lean and limber. I don’t think I’m very lean though, nor limber. Lanky might be a better word for it. And little, I wish I could grow taller. 

I catch my father’s eyes in the mirror and he smiles, “You look beautiful.” 

That means more than he thinks it does. 

I nod and look down at the floor, my hair surrounds my feet. “All done,” he tells me before walking around me to slide the wardrobe door shut, taking the mirror away from me. I brush my hair behind my ears and look up at him, he has kind eyes. I’m going to miss him so much.

“Thank you for cutting my hair.”

I’ve offered to cut his hair but he says he prefers to cut it himself. Fine by me. At least he won’t be left without someone to cut his hair when I leave. 

“You’re welcome. Now, go get ready and I’ll meet you downstairs in five minutes,” he says, cleaning off the scissors with a cloth. I nod and shuffle into my room. There’s nothing for me to do except sit on the edge of my bed and try to soak it all in for the last time. I will miss how my bedsheets smell and how the light peeks in through the small rectangular window across from my bed. 

I pull my hair back into a bun. I don't know what it looks like, what I look like. I will miss knowing that people truly value me for my heart, not my looks.

But I will not miss feeling stuck, like I don't belong. 

꧁ ꧂

Many people greet me and my father as we all walk to the Hub. The Hub is the tallest building in all of the city. It used to be called “The Sears Center” but now it is where the Choosing Ceremony is held. There are one hundred floors. 

They greet my father more than me but I can’t blame them. He’s one of the Abnegation leaders. He makes public appearances and represents our Faction along with Crassus Snow, another leader and a good friend of my father’s. Crassus is a tall man with broad shoulders, his hair is blonde but he always keeps it clipped short. From what I’ve seen he’s very kind, always willing to lend a helping hand and he’s been nothing but nice to me since I can remember. 

But there’s something about his smile that seems forced. 

He claps my father on the back as we approach the Hub, the shadow it casts leaves me feeling cold. “Glen, good to see you.” My father gives him a smile, “You as well old friend. Today is quite an exciting day for our children.” Crassus does have a son, but he left when he turned sixteen. I remember it caused quite the scandal considering he’s the son of a Faction leader. Kids at my school said it was because Crassus beat his son but my father assured me that it wasn’t the truth. I don’t recall ever meeting or seeing his son before he left. 

“Yes, are you excited Soarynn?” Crassus asks me, looking down to maintain eye contact. I give him a polite smile, “Yes I’m very excited for today. You’ll be presenting, won’t you?” Every year one of the Faction leaders presents the Choosing Ceremony and is in charge of giving out the mandatory speech and handing the knife to every child who makes their way onto the stage. 

Crassus nods and doesn’t hesitate to hold the door open for me, which leads to him holding it open for the rest of our Faction so I stay by his side while my father is swept up in the crowd. I’ll see him inside. “I am. Hopefully, it doesn’t cause a scene,” he says with a chuckle.

I furrow my eyebrows and can’t shut my mouth before I ask a question I shouldn’t. “Why would you cause a scandal?” I can feel a few people looking at me but I want to know, even if it’s considered rude to ask your elders such questions. I wait for the scolding but I don’t get one.

Instead, he sighs and looks over at a group of people approaching us, all dressed in blue. “Let’s go inside,” he suggests and I’m quick to walk inside. We walk towards the rest of our group who has, of course, elected to take the stairs instead of the elevator. 

“People have been spreading rumors about me. Saying that I used to beat my son and my wife.” I frown, I don’t remember his wife either. “But you didn’t,” I say softly, and my legs already hurt from walking up all these stairs. Crassus nods, “I know. But some people aren’t too fond of me. They don’t want me to be a leader.”

I look around at all the people in my Faction, people who I believe are good, genuine people. How could they spread a lie like that? He notices my staring and chuckles, “No one in Abnegation has been singing these lies Soarynn. But other Factions have.” 

I don’t say anything, there’s nothing left to say once I finally see the door that leads to the room where the Choosing Ceremony is held. There’s no walking this back now. My father is waiting for us and he gives me a small smile once I reach him, “Good luck Soarynn,” Crassus says, “I’m sure you’ll make the right choice.” I manage a fake smile but I feel like throwing up if I’m being honest. 

My father pulls me to the side once Crassus walks into the room and it’s just the two of us in the stairwell. “I don’t know if this is goodbye,” he says, “but I want you to know that no matter what you decide, I’ll always love you. I’m very proud of you Soarynn.” I can’t cry. Not now. Abnegation aren’t known for showing affection but neither of us hesitate to embrace one another in a tight hug. “I love you too,” I whisper, blinking the tears away. My eyes burn but I don't let it show once we pull away. 

He sniffles and clears his throat, “Well, we should head in, find our seats.”

Children sit separately from their parents. Each Faction has a designated seating area and ours is smack in the middle of the room. It’s so loud when we walk in, so many people are talking at once. I spot the many colors of the Factions, all shining brightly. Then I look over at Abnegation, dull as ever. 

A woman in a tight-fitting blue dress approaches us. Her hair is frizzy and she has a wild look in her eyes like she might pounce on you at any moment, “Glen, I didn’t know your daughter was Choosing today.” I bite my tongue even though I want to question how this woman knows me. My father simply nods and gives my shoulder a squeeze, “She is Volumina.” 

Volumina sizes me up in a matter of seconds before humming to herself, “Today is a very big day for you. Have you prepared yourself?” I subconsciously straighten up my posture, feeling as though this is a very important lady whose impression might matter to me someday, “I hope I have,” I answer. She raises an eyebrow, “I assume you already have a Faction in mind?” It takes everything in me not to glance around the room in search of where I belong. “I have my Aptitude results in mind,” I reply. 

Most people here have and will decide on their Faction solely based on their Aptitude results. If only mine were conclusive. She tilts her head, “But it’s your decision, isn’t it?” I wish I could walk away but I can’t embarrass my father or come off as rude. I give her a nervous laugh, “Well, aren’t we supposed to think about our Faction? What’s best for the city?” 

If this woman is in the Faction I think she’s in, then she’s looking for a scientific answer. Facts only. And the Aptitude test is as factual as you can get. She leans in, too close for comfort, “I want you to decide what’s best for you, not anybody else.” She straightens up as if none of that happened and gives my father a polite smile, “I’ll see you at the next city meeting, Glen.” 

Neither of us says anything as we watch her walk away. “That was Volumina Gaul,” my father tells me as if he can read my mind. I watch her walk back over to her Faction, a big sea of blue. 

I nod, “She seemed…prickly.” 

The lights flash and it’s time to take our seats. My father takes my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, “I’ll see you soon.” I don’t return the sentient but I do find my seat. I’m seated next to Clara who’s sitting next to her brother Caleb. Caleb is older by three months but they’re both sixteen. Clara offers me a small smile which I return, “Are you nervous?” She whispers as Crassus takes the stage. I can’t seem to hide the truth from the girl I’ve spent the majority of my life with, “I am.” I’m going to miss Clara. 

꧁ ꧂

Names are called out and it feels like an eternity before it’s my turn. Crassus doled out the basic speech about how we get to choose for ourselves and how this is our chance to make a difference. “Faction before blood,” he had said before the Ceremony began. I repeated those words with everyone else in the room but couldn’t help but wonder if everyone actually meant them. 

Lots of children chose the Faction they originated from and it led me to really start considering my options.

There’s Amity, the Peaceful. They’re all about kindness. They often dress in bright colors and are always singing and holding hands. They’re harmonious people who provide most of our fresh produce. They’re always outside. 

There’s Candor, the Honest. They’re all about being brutally honest. They always wear black and white, always wanting to see things for what they truly are. Their leaders are among the more trusted in our city due to the fact that they’re simply the most honest. Their kids never hold back from sharing their opinions. 

There’s Dauntless, the Brave. They’re all about bravery. They wear black and have piercings and tattoos all over their bodies. To get to school, their children jump from a moving train every day. They’re our protectors and I think they’re admirable. 

There’s Erudite, the Intelligent. They’re all about knowledge. They often wear blue and most of them wear glasses even though I’m sure they can see without them. They’re always reading something, seeking knowledge. Volumina Gaul is from Erudite. 

I don’t know what to choose. Where to go. 

Caleb’s name is called and he shoots his sister a smile before standing up and making his way to the stage. There are five bowls on the stage, one for each Faction. Once you cut your hand, you squeeze a drop of blood onto the sizzling coals inside the bowl and it’s done. 

I used to have problems with breathing because I would think about the knife, how much it would hurt. Now I prefer it. I need to feel something, to feel pain. To wake up. 

Caleb gets onto the stage and takes the knife from Crassus. He cuts into his palm and I hear Clara take in a deep breath as he approaches the bowls. A gasp fills our section when his blood drops into the Amity bowl. 

Amity cheers and welcomes him in with open arms and hugs. Clara is in shock. I am too. Caleb and Clara have always screamed Abnegation to me. I can’t believe he deviated. Clara stares straight ahead when her name is called next and she doesn’t offer me a smile. I watch her walk onto the stage and cut into her palm.

She chooses Abnegation. 

She’ll have a good life. Marry a kind man and see her parents often. She made the right choice. 

“Soarynn Nightingale.” 

I swallow and my palms feel sweaty but there’s no time to linger. I push myself up from my chair and my entire body is shaking. I nervously climb the stage steps and reach out for the knife Crassus is holding out to me. He gives me a nod and I have to force my nerves down as I turn to face the bowls. The knife doesn’t even hurt, doesn’t phase me. 

I clench my fist and hold it over the Abnegation bowl. I am selfish. 

I can feel the blood pooling around my skin, getting ready to drop. 

When it does, I move my fist over the Dauntless bowl. 

A cheer goes up from the Dauntless section.

A gasp from the Abnegation section.

I am brave. 

| Part 1. |

| tumblr oneshot/drabble |

| Divergent x Hunger Games |

[consider-your-potatoes-mashed]

I fucking hate the way that working and having a job and what not is valued above everything else. It’s valued above health, above eating, above enjoying life, and so much more and that’s absolutely ridiculous. Not everyone can work and they should not be deemed less than because of that. Many people who cant work want to work! The focus on labor and one’s ability to work is unhealthy and unhelpful. Someone’s worth is not based on their productivity and to think or act otherwise is extremely harmful. People shouldn’t feel bad for taking the rest they need when they need it. No one should ever have to put off taking care of themself and treating themself with compassion. We need to treat each other with compassion, understanding, and respect.

I’ve called out of work a lot for numerous reasons related to my health and every time I do I feel really bad about it and quite frankly I shouldn’t feel bad for prioritizing my health. I am honestly really lucky because my job has super flexible hours and it’s really easy to have someone cover my shifts even last minute which I’m super thankful for. My shifts are short (2 hours) and I have a few days off every week so already I’m not working super frequently. My job is also something that I enjoy and don’t mind doing which is a privilege honestly. Even with all of that I still feel a lot of pressure to be productive and to work because of the society I live in. Today I didn’t feel good or comfortable enough to go to work but i did anyway because I feel like I can’t since I’ve called out so much recently. Many days I wake up and wish I could just do nothing without feeling less than for not being productive and that is something I need to work on deconstructing for myself.

We should not base our worth (or the worth of others) on how much we get done, how much we work, and/or how “successful” we are.

[the-jam-to-the-unicorn]

A little update about Showman and something I could use your opinion on ...

So, over the last few days / two weeks, I've worked a lot on the next Showman chapter. And I actually managed to write something that I don't completely hate to 100%. The first draft is a mess (like ... MESS), but I edit it at the moment, and it slowly turns into something with which I am increasingly happy, and I am optimistic it will reach the point where I feel comfortable with posting it. (More about that under the cut)

The "problem" is that I am getting close to 10k words. 🥲😅 I might actually end up with more than 10k. Which would be a MASSIVE chapter.

Initially, before the break, the plan was to stretch the idea over 2 chapters since there is a lot to cover for what I plan in the following chapters.

But now, because of the long break, I also want to give all of you something to read, so I'm not sure if I should still cut it into two chapters.

On the other hand, I know that not everyone prefers 10k words or more chapters, and I still want it to be an enjoyable reading experience.

So ...

If someone wants to add something, feel free to leave a comment or send a message. 🤗

I think, most people know what happened and what caused my long writing break with Showman.

And I talked about another problem here and there but wanted to write a bit more to be transparent.

After everything that happened, I struggled with getting back into writing because first writer block striked me and later imposter syndrome. Especially when it came to Showman. I think, I built up so much pressure, pressure I put on myself, that I just hated everything that I wrote so far. It was basically the same all the time - I wrote something and either deleted it immediately. Or I tried to talk myself into liking it but deleted it sooner or later when I edited it.

I think my main pressure comes from two things:

On the one hand, I want to believe that Showman has a certain level that people enjoy, and I want to reach that level again. And I somehow feeled I failed every time I tried. All my writing felt and sounded awful, boring and poorly. My brain lacked ideas and failed to connect with what I had planned.

On the other hand, it was hard to find back into Showman in general. Not because I lost the connection to the fandom or the stories around Vova and Olena. But there was something missing I can't really name. Call it "the spark", I had to re-discover.

In the end several things worked and helped, like focusing on the other fics.

I also realized I just have to finish the chapter in a way I am at least okay with and just post it and that hopefully will break the general angst. Get it out and continue basically.

[sophieinwonderland]

Hey, just read your vent post, and it resonated a lot with me. Always feeling like you have acquaintances and mutuals, not friends, constantly feeling like you're not really a part of any communities you nominally belong to. Feeling like that since childhood, all of it. Have you or your system overall ever looked into BPD? Not to diagnose based on a vent post, but it reads as eerily similar and well. The ICD diagnostic criteria for BPD read like our own damn biography to us when we looked into it. And either way, I hope you find people who you feel you belong with. Hugs from both of us if you need them.

Thank you both. 🫂🫂

I hope it doesn't come off as rude that I kind of laughed at this because BPD doesn't sound like me at all.

But then I realized, well, I don't really know about it that much and I'm not giving it honest consideration. Which is pretty closed-minded and unfair of me. So let's give it that. Because I don't want to be someone who dismisses things out of hand.

Let's check out the DSM.

Let's go point by point.

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

I don't think so.

I guess one might say the reason I avoid getting too close to people is because the closer you let someone in, the more it might hurt to lose them, which could be vaguely related.

But for the people I do feel connections too... I don't mind them leaving if that's what they want.

I mean, it hurts. But I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who didn't want to be friends with me. I wouldn't want to cling to a relationship with somebody who felt obligated to be my friend. And I would never change myself to please someone.

So I don't feel like this accurately describes me.

🚫

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

I had to read a bit further into the DSM to understand this, but no. I don't think this applies either. I feel like I have a pretty consistent and stable view of the people around me. I don't feel like I'm idealizing anyone. And I don't experience that sort of devaluation either.

Lately, I'm frustrated with certain people who were friends or mutuals who it feels have turned against me. But it's not even that I think they're bad people or anything for it. I just... I'm sad that it felt like they didn't know me or who I am, and the things they dislike about me are just... who I've always been. And they couldn't see it before.

It makes me feel like the whole thing was a lie in a way because it was an idealized version of me that they saw while the real me was invisible.

Maybe that can be counted as devaluation of a sort. But it's not that I feel like they never cared or that their feelings weren't real. I just don't think they ever understood who I was. And while that makes me sad, I don't even blame them for it.

🚫

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

I mean, we're a system.

But my own personal identity and self-image seems pretty stable to me. I think my host's is too.

🚫

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

We hate gambling, have never done drugs or drank any sort of alcohol, and tend to overthink everything leading to frequent indecision. I wish we could be more impulsive, actually.

🚫

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Nope. Never. We've never wanted to take our life.

There is the self-biting thing, which I got my host to stop for over a year but has come back recently and has leaked over to me unfortunately. But that feels more like an automatic response to anger. And it focuses us somehow. I think it's more of an autism thing, and is tied to relieving pressure from overwhelming emotions.

I don't quite understand it. But I know it's not like we want to feel pain or punish ourselves or anything like that. It's just that it somehow adds... clarity. I can't explain better than that.

(This might apply to the impulsivity category but we would need two things and this is only one.)

🚫

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Not actually sure what this means. If I see something that upsets me sometimes, that can make me angry or sad for a few hours. But... is that actually that abnormal? I'm pretty sure most people can be put in bad moods by things.

❓

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

While we might occasionally feel empty, I wouldn't call those feelings chronic.

❓

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Nah.

I mean, I'm not sure what I would be comparing to. Anger is a normal human emotion. But aside from the self-biting, I think we're pretty good at rolling with the punches. We definitely aren't getting into physical fights, and aren't experiencing constant anger. Even with the amount of time I spend scrolling through syscourse, and the number of hate posts I've gotten, I wouldn't say most of that makes me truly angry.

🚫

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I mean, I suppose we have dissociative symptoms by being plural. And... I do wonder if the self-biting has a dissociative element to it given that it feels difficult to control.

But no. I don't think this fits either.

🚫

Round-up

Yeah, I don't think we have this.

I mean, you could probably make a case to claim we have the majority of these if you squint hard enough, and treat disorders like horoscopes.

The entry also mentions that people with BPD tend to view themselves as bad, which I think Ghost and I have both felt at different times for different reasons. But I feel like these are brief episodes rather than chronic issues.

We also lack the associated abuse, which I know isn't mandatory, but it's worth noting as well.

I'm glad to have gone through the entry to learn more about the disorder.

But giving it honest consideration, it doesn't fit.

[fuwaprince]

I'm howling as in doing whatever Howl is doing here in this gif

Got no family, my friends are all far and most aren't even in positions to support themselves (bless them) let alone others/questionably-worthy me. Life feels almost loveless, the economy sucks and I still haven't got a job. I get daily reminders that the people closest to me don't particularly enjoy me taking up space.

My body is twitching and I'm just so alone. I don't speak as in talk to anybody who actually likes and wants to talk to me so whenever I use my voice it's usually to defend myself or escape an interrogative situation. Barelyyyy eating enough. I'm actively losing weight not in a good way

This next one is big.

The one person willing to help me irl is a disrespectful creep to say the least. I'm hurt that people can be so shallow and sickly motivated. I'm sad that no one else here cares. His care comes off so insincerely when he says it's "because he GENUINELY loves me" but consistently doesn't fuckin act very loving. Do I block him? HOW COULD I? I TRULY depend on him for emergencies... rides to interviews, for covering the difference when I'm short on rent, for food when begging doesn't work. He was the only person willing to look for me when I was on the streets and maybe his reason for doing so wasn't very nice but he did it. That means something to me I guess? What does it mean?

I straight up BEG this dude "PLEASE... DO NOT only decide to help my desperate ass based on the premise that you expect your fantasies (that I'm going to be pressured enough into becoming your wife legal possession at the end of all this) to turn into reality!!!!!!".

When I need a hug and have no one but he says he's willing to drive to see me, I HATE knowing I need to say no because I know it's also like saying yes to something else secretly!!! I just want hugs. Innocent physical intimacy. Handholding, just sitting on a bench close enough to touch! I need a hug more than I need food sometimes so it feels.

If I ask him to stop, he asks WHY HUH? �� while continuing. Anyone remember Boris from Dreaming Mary? He does this all the time so I expect it when I see him and he immediately gets touchy. When I kindly remind him that I'm not interested, he suddenly shifts into offended fucking asshole. Rude comments. Degradation. Suddenly starts talking about his gun and how he wants to shoot it and wants a new one 🙄. Sometimes it's pettier punishment like I'll be lucky to get a response if I dare mention anybody else especially if I love them more than him. I grieved my ex gf and he was just not happy about that at all. Kept demanding I explain why it couldn't be him and kept being all "what makes her so great? 🙄 pfft" ( EVERYTHING BTW SHE WAS THE MOON AND STARS AND I WILL FOREVER STAY LOYAL TO HER). But no this dude gets NASTY MEAN. Don't fall for the sad boy shit. Like he hopes I fucking starve without him type shit!!!!!!!!!! He'll ignore me complaining about hunger pains all the time but when he wants to he'll ignore me and then come back after some period of punishment (shunning) like "did you want food? get ready so you can get a small snack" "there's snacks at my house" and what am I going to say??? No???? Well actually that is exactly correct. I do say no because I'm that fucking seriously not interested and I choose to starve over taking that.

He gets angry but he knows his demands aren't possible. NOT A CHANCE . I'll say it to his face. I have to walk on eggshells but I still hate to be taken advantage of because I'm not standing my ground.

He still tries to tower over me and shit when I'm turned around and I elbow/kick behind me to remind him I fucking feel his body heat because that's how close he is without actually touching me. He likes to do that in stores. I was in so much pain from cramps that I accepted his offer to go to the store in the middle of the night. There was a store open down the street from my house but he chose to drive to the one farthest away and says oops when I ask where he's going. He misses every exit he possibly can before I catch on when taking me back to where I live on the way back from trips like these. He always does that. It's so manipulative and shitty. Just take me fucking home.

One time he saw I had a stun gun in my bag while going through it without my permission and he said I didn't need to carry that around him and I said I sure as hell do. Which fucking sucks. Any normal person would just exit and block but if I did that, who would I be able to turn to? He really has caused me trouble but I would be in greater trouble without him and that's the truth. The only answer is to lean on myself or get the support of the state, which I was receiving and then my mom sabotaged (!) So it got cancelled which is why I'm depending on the help that he happens to offer! Do you see the issues there? I don't have any family. My friends can't help me besides sending me virtual hugs and everybody is so tired. They're doing their best not to be depressed and here I come! A doomsday cloud big enough to cover the sun. I wouldn't want to talk to me either. I've been blocked for asking for help from friends just because people don't want to be involved and don't want the stress. I remember "I want that shit out of my hair".

Another thing: I call my stuffed animal my son because like... Idk. He's my son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that creepy asshole fucker kept calling him HIS SON and OUR SON and I got so pissed and kept correcting him. The same way I would correct him when he'd call me his girlfriend to his friends.

Can someone who isn't him please care more than he does?

[squeiky]

Sometimes I get really sad and lonely and then I scroll through tumblr.

I think I have to start making a routine to walk outside, but i keep making excuses not too. The only outside place I want to be is on my porch and a park that’s 30 minutes away.

I’m really lonely apparently. It’s a side effect of having very little of a social life (aside from the few interactions on here. Since I don’t interact with anyone on any other site tbh.)

I think it’s just easy for me to be alone. Like I’m sure I developed some kind of abandonment issues and I’m fully aware of how it makes me feel- and that might be why i keep avoiding irl interactions.

Everything feels easier here. No anxiety no pressure. I know people here are okay and already know my goofy little self. I don’t have to worry about appearances and present how I desire. I don’t feel trapped.

I can scream into the void here. I can keep screaming and maybe one day, someone might just scream back. It’s a good feeling.

I keep feeling guilty for posting or rebloging so much. I look at other people getting asks or interactions as “successes”. I see comments and tags and it’s “success”. At what? Hell if I know. Perhaps some social game like popularity, or the fact that somebody is liked enough to have people talk to them.

Ugh, I used to read my old blog posts from an account long abandoned. Reeked of insecurity. I see myself falling back into that spiral over and over again whenever the darkness creeps up a little to closely. Like I can only eve ignore it for so long, until I’m back to screaming again like I am now.

It’s like that stupid feeling, like someone in the back of my mind is screaming “please be with me.” It’s crying all the time.

I don’t know what freindship is, I only see people in black and whites of “useful” and “not useful” the definition of useful isnt exact and varies person to person, but I recognize this is my thought process.

I guess there’s the guilt of it all too. Some underlying shame or guilt constantly pestering me. I hate annoying things and it’s really annoying.

I’m young, and I’m still figuring things out. Though that doesn’t really invalidate or solve how I feel now. Idk.

At some point in time I forgot how to talk to people in real life. It’s like when I do my soul leaves my body and I just go on autopilot. Only to return to a state of constant evaluation and analysis (which are my saviors).

Sometimes I just want to stay broken. Or maybe I was never broken to begin with. I don’t know. I’m sad and buttnaked writing this at 11:54 because I’m slowly developing a fear of sleeping (technically I just have s very strong desire to stay awake for no reason in particular.)

I fucked up with the alt descriptions for my art. I’m unsure if I’m making excuses not to make alts because it’s too much effort-or it’s something else.all I know is that I feel guilty about it.

I hate guilt (or is what I feel shame? I’m uncertain). I wish I never felt it. It’s a disgusting feeling that only does me bad. Usually I can just determine via logic when ive fucked up. But if what I feel is guilt then I do not like it. I wish it wasn’t there I wish it didn’t exist because it annoys me.

I cleared out my wounds too. I’m hopping I made it better by opening up a covered path that was clogging the infection gunk from getting out- and some dead skin. Getting hurt sucks.I thought I would be stronger. But I am reminded I am frail.

Screaming into the void in hopes of a freind. It’s a strange habit to have. Always screaming never a reply. I wish I could make things like this one person I follow. I’ve never seen them ever sad about their lack of interactions (atleast in this platform). I’m trying to be like that. But it sucks that I can’t register likes Orin the same way I do as reason people’s tags or comments or seeing their reblogs.

Since I’m always reblogging other peoples stuff, there’s always that nagging feeling when ever I make my own shit that it’s never enough.

One day though I think I’ll feel “enough”. I’ll drink champagne on that day and eat a chocolate cupcake. Just like a birthday celebration.

[mcalhenwrites]

For what it's worth, I want to read your writing! lack of audience can really get to a writer but I feel sometimes one needs to be reminded of why they write? Are you writing for yourself or to please strangers, which I get is obviously important for motivation and as a professional worker but I guess what I'm trying to say is don't be too down about it. I appreciate your hard work and amazing stories.

For what it's worth, I want to read your writing! Thank you, anon, that means a lot to me!

I agree with "write for yourself", because you'll never please other people/have to select who you want to please, and that's never going to end well. You can't please everyone. I used to be in the Tales series fandom, and I'd have mixed feelings about some of the games that contradicted the way others felt. I liked some of the lesser known/older games for the same reasons people hated them. So as a creator, you have to think about what feels right to yourself. It's good advice, but I have seen it taken out of context. (For the record, I don't see that happening here, because you do clarify that it's harder when you're stepping into the profession. I'll get into that in a minute, if that's okay!)

That said, I think there needs to be a distinction between writing and sharing. Writing is a process for myself, but the career aspect is stressful and straining and honestly feels hopeless most days. I hate the idea that every single part of a story needs to be about the plot, because the formulaic ways of the publishing industry don't work for every story, every writer. I think the existence of fanfic is proof enough of that, actually! So many of us love fics that cover what might have happened behind the scenes or just… we'll read fifteen different stories of the same tropes for a single ship. And tbh, I think a lot of writers - including myself - really prefer to have more canon included than the publishing industry has room for.

I'm trying to find a middle balance, personally. I want to share! I'm an avid reader, and if no one had shared, what would I have read growing up? Plus the want of financial stability, which is pressure I sincerely despise. I'd happily share everything for free if I had $100k-$120k a year for the rest of my life so I could have my house, healthcare, 3-5 cats, garden, video games, and home library. xD

Sharing is actually pretty difficult for me. I barely showed anyone my work until I was in my mid-twenties. I started writing stories down at age seven. I'm now in my thirties. But sharing is something I want to do and it doesn't get easier after all this time of trying to spread my work. Past the perfectionism (I am definitely working on this and have already made improvements) and the history of bullying I've had over my writing (of which there's been a lot). Overcoming all of that is tough. Which means I feel a little extra sensitive to the idea that if something of mine isn't getting traction, it's confirmation of all the times someone mocked my writing or vaguetweeted by a BNF to make fun of fics I'd just posted. And while I'm starting to realize that some of that likely comes from jealousy - not necessarily that I'm a great writer that poses a threat, but just that my writing means that I might take attention from them in the fandom (which is not how that works) - it's still so hard to stop thinking, "What if they were right?" when I don't get any or very few likes/reblogs or kudos/comments, etc.

I have worked very hard to be a better writer, thinking I could escape that. Now I'm beginning to recognize that that hard work has paid off, but I was also never as bad as everyone made me feel (including myself). I want to keep working hard, because my standards for myself are high.

My writing makes me so happy, I can't describe how much. So even through all the pain above? I still do it. I just think that maybe there needs to be more separation between writing and the results of that ever reaching the public eye. (Most of my writing doesn't. I write a lot. XD)

Sorry to get a little real there. And so lengthy, ugh! I never can say things briefly.

Thank you for reading out, though, and thank you for reading my writing. There are more people reading my works than I know, but sometimes I fear that I'm the only one who will want what I'm making.

I've had IRL and health issues bringing me down too, which overlapped with stressing out over the editing of the next chapter of the story I've been posting. That chapter wasn't making me happy, so I'm taking a break, ignoring it a few days, and going back with fresh eyes later. So that all was knocking down my mood, and seeing only one person comment on the latest chapter, I was like, "Oh, maybe I'm just making a big old mess of this story"… perhaps because I see the mess in my head? Every possible path I threw out, every scene I want to write but won't fit in the story, every part I feel is lacking, every bit of character and world info, etc. Is that translating into something coherent on the page, I wonder, and… it's a lot to think about.

Sorry for TL;DR on this answer, and again: thank you. ;A;

[mywrittenavenue]

VENTING ABOUT JOB SEARCHING

It's so frustrating being neurodivergent and looking for a job after graduating. I keep putting out applications and I'm not getting much. I also applied for agencies but still nada. I'm also struggling so hard with the interviews that I'm barely even asked to go on, and I'm awkward as hell. It's as if I forget who I am suddenly when asked interview questions. I wish it was dumbed down instead of being complicated for no reason. I hate the interrogation, and the faces they make when I struggle to remember things and or stutter. To base a human existence after only a brief meeting is so dystopian. I feel like a cog, someone who doesn't matter in the scheme of things, as if I was factory made for the masses.

I also hate how interviewers expect you to know about their company in-depth. I don't have time to be researching every single company and acting like it's an exhaulted position I waited my entire life for, when really it's a means to an end. I get money, and you get a designer who is thorough about getting things done right. Also dont get me started on ghost/faux job listings and how people keep asking for 3-5 years for an entry level position. It's absolutely ridiculous, a real shitshow.

I don't lack skills as a designer neither. I'm a multidisciplinary designer and I believe my work speaks for itself. It's just frustrating that nobody is giving me a chance. I just keep getting ghosted or rejected. Ive been peer-pressured/grilled by HR for a job opportunity and they truly made me feel like trash. I once was even passive-aggressively verbally attacked by an interviewer who was trying to gaslight me about the fact they didnt supply me with files for a design test.

That's another thing... design tests. Why waste my time to ask me to make a design and then just reject me on the third round of interviewing? Shouldn't my portfolio speak for itself?? Stop asking me to do free work while I'm trying to job hunt, and potentially stealing ideas from myself and other designers who apply.

Also fuck cover letters. I write fairly well, but I can't be spending forever trying to write cover letters. I hate knowing that companies just throw resumes and cover letters into AI scanners that will pick up keywords from the job listing. None of what I wrote will be written and I have to rely on programs like ChatGPT to help me write everything because I simply don't have the time or patience (I tweak it with my flavor of course).

Jobs used to be about giving people a fair chance, to genuinely look at what they could offer. Now my degree is meaningless, I cant apply for internship positions anymore since a year passed after graduating, and a masters degree will put me in debt if I go for it. I feel so trapped and I'm just so frustrated that this is the hand that we've been dealt. Meanwhile boomers and older adults are all pointing fingers at us as if we're the issue and not companies becoming more and more corrupt.

I just want a job so I can make money and get out of my toxic home environment. Is that too much to ask for????

[11919815125]

3/27/24

in regards to the phone call about the future/my ambitions

i think the reason it strikes a nerve when you bring stuff like that up is because like. my entire self-worth is built on choosing to accept my shortcomings rather than fight them or feel shame about them. when you're upset that i "don't care" it's because it was a choice that i had to make in order to cope and survive. when i was 24 years old, i was living with my parents, unemployed for almost a year and a half, no intent to use the degree that i went thousands of dollars into debt for, smoking weed every day, barely even leaving my bedroom, no goals or ambitions. i was a fucking loser. i couldn't look my parents in the eye because i saw disappointment looking back at me. i cut off almost all of my friends because i didn't want them to see me like that. the embarrassment of it all nearly drove me to suicide.

i had to decide that it was okay. that i didn't need to be successful in the ways other people define it, that i didn't need a career, that i didn't need to make my parents proud, that i didn't have to be special, that i didn't need people to like me, that i didn't have to achieve my dreams. i just needed to survive and try my best to be happy; anything beyond that is just a bonus.

it's not that the things you're asking me for are unfair, but they pop that bubble. they knock down the jenga tower i've stacked up so carefully. caring so much about those pressures and goals and ambitions genuinely ruined my life and almost ended it, and now you're asking me to make them a priority again, and suggesting that if i don't it's because i don't care enough about you or that i don't care about myself.

i feel that i am successful!!!!! with my worthless degree and my shitty kitchen job and everything i have going on now!!!!! this is not failure to me! i am so unbelievably proud of myself! i am paying my bills, living independently, working full time, doing my best to maintain the relationships i have, traveling when i can, cooking delicious meals and trying new foods, going out and making memories on the weekends, spending so many of my days with you. that's a life that's worth celebrating and i really hate that you seem to see it as the bare minimum. of course i can do better, i can invest more into the things that matter to me.......i just don't know if those are the things that matter to you.

saying that "a career is not a priority to me" is really the polite way of saying, "i do not want a career, and if i can find a way to keep living my life without having to do that, i absolutely will." you dedicate years of your life building marketable skills, going to school, interning, networking, busting your ass and stressing yourself out to get...what? your life looks exactly the same with a little more cash in the bank and a few more rooms in your apartment. it's so cliche but i really really don't care about the "rat race." i don't feel the impulse to keep up with other people, i don't value most of the things that you gain from playing the game, and i definitely don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks about how i choose to live my life.

i value freedom, autonomy, authenticity, and honesty above anything else. i value working as little as possible while still being comfortable and happy, and maximizing the time that is mine and mine alone. i value the people that love and embrace me and being able to share this life with them. i value experiences over anything material; nice houses and fancy dinners and expensive clothes and flashy gifts mean absolutely nothing to me. i want to go bungee jumping, i want to see the northern lights, i want to visit every country in the world, i want to cover my body in tattoos and sleep under the stars and get married to somebody i love and learn to play guitar and create beautiful things with my bare hands and hope that one day i wake up and see my life as a beautiful thing too.

and you wanna ask me about a fuckin job lol

[bitch1986miami]

What to Do With My Freedom and Finance 🫡

I think, given you have enough money projected or that you can fathom, it's more important to get your house structured, to clean it and organize it. Etc. more cleaning and organizing. In the end, you need everything pretty structured. Someday, you can do other things, of course, and use new "inventions!"

Then, I guess you save your money and eventually get out. I get Lejeune compensation I think, maybe Thursday when I make hopefully only 2 calls, one by phone and one by webcam!

So yup got a clean area for my spinning, leaping, and hopping? I can do this on the basketball court, too. I just need to eventually be able to rotate my leg, when I get rid of all this extra laundry and throw out my broken portable washer and slight spin dryer. Any more? The returns need to go but 'am so glad in moving chords away to fix the window coverings to go up found all my chords could go in one neat pile! and I have all these things to hold my cell phone on webcam with lights etc. I got at a Dollar store I walk to in another little pile maybe not in the way so much or at all. I don't know, in this case, that I need a larger home regarding the furniture and possibilities, like I know I can get my stored necessities and toiletries to a boxed storage and use the shelf for other things. Oh, I have a bunch of round stuffed toys I could put up and other small ones from a young artist girl's book, maybe from my generation a lot of work for children. I think there are dead flies all around here, including on my revolving round bookshelf/bookccase. I think I got an extra one free and saved it and a 2nd violin stand and a 2nd violin bow for my broken electric Baroque violin. I had a regular one in Orlando probably broken. I have a few trash things to throw out, maybe 2 or 3 trips. I'm sorta like my back is like dry and broken and my pube or whatever felt cancerous or hardening on the side on the inside or something ~ hey, do you feel that?

So, now, I had some water, may lie down or exercise, maybe seated chair gentle senior workout. My mom used to teach Silver Sneakers in a gym studio. I wonder what she liked best, Disney spa at hotel/"resort?" Also, the huge hotel with a full gym in Orlando. She briefly taught children at the biggest gym in Orlando. I wanna do some Tai Chi? If I did Asian martial arts, I'd probably have to do both Kung Fu and Tai Chi, and it could be full time. I've actually considered it, to some extent. I dunno if college dance is great. I wanna post online, of course, do other exercise. I don't know what I'd be sacrificing. I'm better and my happiness relied on that I'd do something after I got better, so now I need to think about it but no pressure-rush.

If I wanted vacation, I'd probably move to Fort Lauderdale. If I wanted to be in the movies, I'd practice in Miami or maybe I like L.A. as a "way of life." I'd have to work to go on vacation. I'm not excited about just losing myself eating out while other people act all fancy and bossy and cook for me and bring me my food and look at me funny because Drew Gordon finished off my face as Asian to look non-American and more real after it got messed up when I was convinced Tim Burton was used to turn my life "inside out." I guess I'm hoping it gets better.

Like ballet/dance, no one wants to see me perform anything except memorize lots of lines, to "act." In Communications, it's NOT to do the arts. I do art for my own benefit.

I'm mostly worried about my health and wellbeing. I recover quickly but like to cook my own food so it's good, even with the ingredients. I hate people who complain who have any part in benefiting my life technically, physically. I always wanted to take care of myself.

I'm on Survivor's Benefits for $2K / month, according to my dad's ... what's it called? ... monetary place in life? "Class?" Like the Titanic. I should be making like $100,000 / year by now, based on my performance in elementary school, junior high school, and first 2 year of high school, and based on the college I got a high? or half scholarship at. I also got all A's in all but one of many major courses and the other a B+, in fact, first semester. I also got into Honors, somehow.

[emptylookingeyes]

Reflection

7/17/2023

It’s been officially one year since I made a real post on here. I lost the energy and time to be able to do so. It was a traumatic event for myself and two of the people I love. Ever since then, I look back on it and believe it or not, I regret failing. I went through another year of pain and suffering. Sure there was some light in the dark, but there’s just too much fucking darkness. Every time I tried to do better and have good moments, it eventually just faded away because it was just covering up the truth. The truth that there is no world where I am truly happy and live a normal life. The truth that I’m alone and everyone always leaves in the end. The truth that there is no real future for me, and if there is, it’s only eternal suffering. I cannot escape that reality if I choose to live.

I continue to look back on everything and a lot of it really is the same. Mathematics and Science tend to stay constant for the most part, and the same goes for my life. No matter how hard I attempt to do better and change that, it doesn’t change. I lost the love and support of my sister since December 2021. I lost more and more people these last couple of years. I’m down to three people I love and trust so much, but am barely able to talk to. I try my best for them, but it’s never enough. I still feel empty after everything. I still look empty after everything. Emotionally and physically. I stare into the void each day and contemplate what the fuck am I still doing here. If I died, I’m sure they wouldn’t be sad or care. Even if they did, it’d only be for like a week and then they’d forget all about me. The same way that everyone else did.

I learned this some time in the last year. And my heart truly goes out to these people. Statistically and theoretically, if there are people that are loved and have a wonderful life, and there definitely is, then there also exists those that aren’t loved and never will live such a happy life. Can you believe it ? There are those that will live life all alone, unhappy, and die alone. These people are unloved and forgotten, and they go through life unnoticed, uncared for, and invisible. Nobody thinks about these people. It is truly one of the saddest thoughts I’ve ever had. You don’t know who these people are but they exist in this world and are DESTINED to live that fate. Maybe some of them do get saved, but not everyone gets saved. These are the same people that also get told “it gets better”, “you’ll find someone that loves you”, and all that other bullshit. I hate it when people tell people that, because what happens WHEN IT DOESN’T ? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT’S THE END OF THEIR LIFE AND IT STILL DIDN’T HAPPEN ? DO YOU JUST SAY “OOPS, I WAS WRONG” ? Fuck that. There are people in their 20′s, 30′s, 40′s, 50′s, and so forth that never got the treatment that so many others got to experience. True friendship, romance, bonds, and fun experiences with others. It’s so fucking easy for people to say these “kind” and “supportive” words to people in a position of privilege of being someone that has experienced this for so much of their lives. And I’m fucking tired of it. Then you have these fucking people tell you “oh, the most important this is you need to love yourself”. FUCK YOU. It’s like I said, it’s easy to say that when you’re in a position of someone that actually has love and bonds with others. Sure, maybe there are people out there that are content with only loving themselves and have NOBODY WHATSOEVER. But not everyone is content with that, not everyone wants that, they want what so many others have...

I’m sorry that this is such a huge shitty blog post. Honestly, it felt nice to just put some of my feelings and thoughts into something like this after one year. Maybe I’ll try to do it again every now and then if I don’t feel pressured in trying to do it at certain times. Only doing it when I feel like it, since forced writing kind of sucks. A lot of what I said is probably the most unpopular opinion, disagreed perspective, and absolute bollocks. Honestly you’re probably right. I’m just some loser, no, the biggest loser of all time. I’ve known that for the longest time and came to terms with that. You might say I’m just a self-fulfilling prophecy, and what I say is only going to happen is because I’m making it happen. Perhaps you’re right, but the thing is that I did try so many times. There are timelines where no matter how many times you go back in the past, you can’t change the outcome. There are things that will always happen. That’s my fate.

                                                                                         -Effy

[knucklegagging]

It’s so hard for me to tell which thing is more the self punihsing: the “restricting” or the “not counting” cuz you could also call those the “watching what I eat” vs “the binging” so it’s like where is the line? My calories today say after having a big bowl of soup, a handful of crisps, a tin of oysters, and a cookie --I’ve somehow managed to over eat by nearly two thousand calories. I feel stuffed with water, but not food. I still feel like I could eat. And that I’d maybe like to. But how can my calories already be this out of sorts from a couple grams here and there of this and that. It’s not like I’m endlessly munching either. It’s broth based soup with nothing but veg. I’m wondering if maybe I am overcalculating. But maybe I am just this fat. In the morning will the scale creep up again? Adn why is it that everytime I stop counting is when I lose the most weight and feel the best, but somehow I can never let myself have that cuz then I just have to get caught up by other ppls’ influence telling me I need to be countign my calories. That if I’m not counting I can’t possibly be healthy. My weight is stable though. I maintain between 116 and 126 day in and day out of my entire life now. Sometimes I’ll drop a smidge in the autumn and winter when I’m too cold to want to eat, and just stay bundled up under the covers sleeping the days away... but I always do put it back on come May. I don’t even think I look that much different. I’m less boney in my ribs and chestbones don’t pop out quite so obviously, but I’m not exactly crazy about the chest cold that come w the weightloss. I never become a body type that is different from my own. I never miraculously get a stomach flu and come out looking like Anne St Marie or any other long-legged spidery model with twig bones and lean lengthy everything. I’m still short and hourglass shaped and I still hate it. I could be putting more energy into putting on toning, that could help the situation. But that happens by accident already so easily that what’s the point. I’m not even comparing myself to women, I’m comparing myself to the men I feel expectations to date. I have a knack for finding my way in w men who spend their entire lives at the gym, and then it’s like this glaring “why is he with THAT” looming over both of us because I don’t have washboard abs too. I don’t even know that I would want them, but I sure damn do feel obliged to prove I’m worth sticking around for. Everyone is always so vocal that they are dating down because I’m not ripped. I would like to say I care none for what people think, and that is largely true, but what people say at me and my partners to our faces or theirs while they think I can’t hear... That shit stings. And I do get nervous. I want to be worth it. I want to stop being cheated on. Maybe if I was skinny or ripped enough ... I’m not even sure. It all feels like self harm to me. If I’m counting my calories then I’m doing the right thing but it just winds up making me hysterical cuz I’m feeling pressured to get as close to my maintenance calories as possible so I retain more muscle. But the more you eat the more hungry you get, so trying to get as close to that line as possible just eventually makes me binge. And I never have this problem except for when I have a fucking calorie tracking app. So why do I do it to myself? Maybe cuz every guy I date plays fucking inquisition about what percent protein I’m getting and how low my calories are at any given day. And they always want to talk endlessly about food. And I’m supposed to match zeal. And they always want you to eat more more mroe more more but stay getting thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner. I hate men. I wish I could just date women but they won’t even admit you’re more than acquaintances, especially to people that matter to them. I didn’t come out about being a dyke just to be shoved into bicurious asshole bitch’s coffin-sized closets. At least w men you get a shot at them admitting to being w you. They’re less commonly ashamed. Not indefinitely, but less commonly. I wanna crack my skull open and take out everything till I’m nothing left but celery juice. I am so tired. Nothing here is meant for me. I’m just being pulled into other directions all the time until my seams bust and I get torn then they all go about, seeing the mess as inconvenient despite the fact it was their fault. And so I pick up and sew myself all up into stitches again, while they go fuck and cuff the slut they kept telling me I had nothing to worry over. Worse off ppl than me are married twenty years w a million fugly babies that don’t amount to shit and bomb schoolyards and megaplexes. Meanwhile I am stagnant here counting grams and being nothing. And that just doesn’t change. I remain unwanted, groveling for dust, pulling myself into contortions, desperate to be wanted for more than heat. I hate everything about my life. I wish I mattered. Calories aren’t even fixing it. Where did the days go when I got high off not eating for months? I’m not allowed to do that. I’m not even allowed to skip a snack. I’m getting fat and  happiness never exists for me. I hate my life.

[jessidogg]

okay, imma be honest here... I was not expecting this silly joke to be such a big deal bahahah, but I do appreciate hearing feelings on this! I would like to add some things myself.

First, I would like to say that hating Creek is kinda my way of loving his character. After all, without Creek, Broppy might not even be a thing! That's the great thing about the story in trolls, things fall like dominoes, and usually everything ties together at the end. I do not like him especially because of the way he treats Branch, that is my whole thing, but it is important to point out that Branch isn't the only one affected by Creek's actions- Poppy is devastated to find that her closest friend would do such a thing. We can't say that "well, what else could he do?" because we know Branch and any of Poppy's friends, including BroZone, would literally die for each other and never do something like that.

Also, about BroZone, I am a huge BroZone fan, and I am NOT saying you have to be too, I just wanted you to know that you can't hold silly mistakes like that on them. They all obviously were angry in the moment, and it is mentioned that some even came back to find them. They probably saw Grandma Rosiepuff gone and guessed that everybody was gone forever or dead, and went off to live their own lives. Heck, John Dory probably didn't even know that Floyd as still living till Velvet's letter came, and he went looking for Branch because he heard about the world tour afterward.

Another thing: they were young, under loads of pressure, and probably felt so bad and didn't even think that their other brothers even wanted to see them again. Plus they were almost adults now and had figured that Grandma Rosiepuff had got it covered.

TOTALLY STUPID OF THEM. I KNOW. But in a way, this is kinda what Creek did to Poppy. Their job as brothers was to stand by their siblings thru thick and thin. They failed. It was Creek's job as a friend to stand with his friends thru thick and thin. He failed. oKay. The Difference? Creek apologized, yes, but never really changed, which really ticks me off about him. BroZone in the movie never really had time to apologize (except for Clay), but I know for sure they did, and they acted on it. Sure, they can still tease Branch and stuff, but they're his big bros- that's life. I have like five little brothers, and I get your guys' annoyance, but we do need to look at all sides of it.

The point of Trolls Band Together is to tell peeps that you don't have to be a perfect family to be a family. People make stupid decisions. I am adopted because my bio mom chose her messed up life over taking care of me. And tho it is too late now, she almost immediately realized her mistake and rushed to fix it. Now she is engaged, healthy, and has two baby boys that she won't have to worry about being taken from her. She apologized to me, told me she loved me, and acted on it. It may be a bit late, just like how it took Brozone 20 years, but they all realized they're mistakes, and were so happy to see each other again, especially Branch. They act on it. That's the important part.

My family is a huge mess lots of the time. We're not perfect. But we don't need to be. There are so many times when we all hate each other. But we get thru it. Being a teen is hard, and we always are doing stupid things. But we need to remember to act on our apologies, then we will be good.

Again, you can have whatever opinion you want, that is just my view of things and I feel I can easily relate. Also we love Branch's brothers cuz they're his brothers, he loves them, THEY'RE A BOY BAND LIKE WUT, and they are super fun characters. THX SO MUCH FOR HAVING THESE CHATS IT'S SO NICE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITHOUT BITING EACH OTHER'S HEADS OFF BAHAHA, THX FOR BEING MATURE ABOUT IT💕💕

This post was originally supposed to be a joke tho, and I did not expect so many literal answers 😂😂

-@jessi4branchifer

P.S. yes Branch is so autistic this is why we love him 😘

HOW?

Those People That Like Creek:

Me:

No, like fr tho- since it's obviously possible to love Creek HOW DO YOU DO IT?!!?!?!!?!!!!

Cuz I would if I could BUT I CAN'TTTT