#i hate it when posts on my dash are a million miles long so i try to Not Do That

[the-travelling-witch]

Hello! I'm sending this to my favorite writers to enable you to brag about your own writings! (But don't feel pressured to reply and take your time!) :D

Pick one fic you wrote and would recommend to us readers for each of these genres:

Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/No Comfort, AU (any AUs!), Selfship (If you selfship!), [Insert a genre you've written but is not in the list].

Have fun, and just a reminder to always be proud of what you created!! You're amazing!! We love you!!! 💗

Extra // Feel free to ramble on why the fic is your favorite, whatever thinking process you have when you wrote it, which part(s) are your favorite, etc!!

ahhhh this is such a cool ask to get, thank you so much!! also your favourite writers? and that includes me of all people??? don’t mind me, someone might be cutting onions in here 🥺🩵

i hope you don’t mind me rambling, i might have gotten a little carried away ^^; (i’ve also not really heeded the one per genre rule, i’m just bad at picking one or the other hshsh)

Fluff

one of each huh? i think we’re already running into a problem on the fluff genre, i don’t really have anything to recommend, i’m afraid; none of them really stand out to me personally (that aren’t aus or so), so i’d much rather talk more about my other works

Hurt / Angst

now to hop into the categories i really like talking about, hurt and angst!! :D out of anything comfort related, i think i like my period comfort scenarios for both obey me and twst. i wrote them to alleviate my own pains in a way, but it’s great to see other people getting comfort from them as well (also to all my folks who told me you felt included by the gn reader instead of a fem reader, i see you and i love you)

with the mushy gushy stuff out of the way, let’s dive into my absolute favourite genre to write ever, angst (no comfort hehe ^^); here’s the problem to not list too many fics but i’ll use my spare from not naming a fluff fic :]

long-time ramble and tag readers will know what to expect; what could’ve been is the first angst fic i really got into and could’ve easily been a series if i had thought about it at the time. while looking back on it, sure there are things i could’ve done better, but it still has a soft spot in my heart and despite the low notes, it’s the fic i got the best feedback on ever (those asks, comments and reblogs are so precious to me, you have no idea)

similarly a million miles away and the loneliest (same premise, different characters) are some of my favourites too. overall, in its entirety, i prefer the former, i think most parts in there came out very well. however, if i had to pick one part out of all eight that i would recommend, it’s xiao’s part from the loneliest, it didn’t gather as much attention as part 1 but my friends left so many amazing comments in my document and i myself love how it came out, which makes it so special to me

Selfships + OCs

while i do selfship, i hardly ever write about it on here (or much in general outside some hcs i pester some moots with); for one, i find it hard to write about, my thoughts seem to leave me the second i try to type them out. i also don’t think many people are interested in the topic anyway and i hate feeling like i’m shouting into a void (i’m trying to keep a lid on how much i babble on dash anyhow, with varying amounts of success ^^;)

i thought i read ocs on the list, so i’ll include them, as well, especially since i have a little more to say than about selfships, considering i post about some of them every now and then. dantalion and his story part have a special place in my heart, not only because he was the first oc i introduced, but also bc his part resonates with me most, i think. while not seen much of yet, i also took a liking to my twst oc cheron, i think he’s fun!! (ofc i like my other obey me ocs too but these two are ranked a little higher hshshs)

AUs

this one… might be obvious. i think we can all see the modern au coming from a mile away (perhaps even from a million miles away haha). it’s kind of the only au i have really going on but, even so, there’s a reason my inbox fills up the second i mention it. though, when i wrote that piercer! xiao fic all that time ago, the au wasn’t even a thing in my mind yet, funny how that works. it’s currently on a bit of a hiatus but it’s certainly not dead ^^;

more excitingly however, and as a treat for the people who’ve read this far into me rambling about my own writing, the aus in my drafts!! i want to work on all of them (and then work on none of them)

the oldest of the three i’m thinking about is my haikyuu isekai au. i’m 10k into the draft (plus like 2k notes) and i still think the premise and plot is super fun (i was thinking/hoping it would end up somewhere between 20k and 25k) buuut the problem is i’m currently stuck on one scene that’s just not turning out fun at all, so i’ve been neglecting it ever since ^^;

second on the list of aus that occupy my mind is my twst pokemon au!! this one is more recent but i’ve been enjoying doing world building for it + the people i’ve let read over my first draft of a intro seem to have liked it too!! i’ll have to give more intense and focused thought to brainstorming the story we’d be follow, but i get excited every time i think about it hehe

and lastly, the most recent thing i worked on, an au for barbarian bakugo and… well i won’t say anything on the identity of the reader yet. it is a little enemies to lovers and i have already planned out part 2 in my head despite not even remotely finishing part 1. it doesn’t help that the book i’m reading rn evolves the same themes and makes me think about it every time i look at it or pick it back up :]

(there’s also an au i might want to write for mermay but idk if i can finish it in time + the bakugo au weighs heavy on my mind rn hshsh)

as a last point, i’m also keeping in mind that i had an event planned!! i haven’t finalised it yet and haven’t given much thought to my own entries but maybe i can get there some day (perhaps towards the end of the year?) ^^

anyway, thank you so much for indulging me and prompting me to talk about my writing, as you can probably tell, i love doing that haha and thank you again for the kind words, it really means the world to me <3

if you have any questions or thoughts on any of these, feel free to ask me!! i’d be happy to talk about any of this :> (though i can’t promise fast replies…)

[mythwords]

Sorry it took me so long to answer, @thevajunglebook! Tungle.hell didn’t notify me that you’d replied, so I just saw this :/ First of all, thank you! I actually only came up with the idea in passing this morning, and then more inspiration struck like five minutes after I jotted down the initial one-line idea and just kept flowing! There’s a lot that isn’t quite fleshed out yet, particularly the myths and legends and habits of worship pertaining to the (still unnamed) Fates, so I gotta work on that :) Your questions helped a lot, I hope I answered them well… My name pronunciations are definitely lacking. It’s quite late here so this may just be rambling!

My ask box is open for any other questions (wink, wink)

Amaerilde: ah-may-rild

Mirenne: mihr-en

Caede: kade

Ahri: ah-ree

Saen: say-en

Doem: doe-em

Loel: low-el

The Fates created the world, and thus put a piece of themselves into every person. That is what causes them to be immortal, and what grants the Caede power to do what they do. Some people choose not to worship the Fates, but it is widely known that they are actually real, with plenty of evidence to back it up, scientific and otherwise! The Fates are what we would know as Gods, but some are also deeply involved in human life. Government, namely. People in power are usually chosen and controlled by the Fates, who have influence on pretty much everyone in Doem (which is the realm, not a country, in case that is confusing!) in every sphere possible, whether it’s the fashion industry or wildlife conservation.

Some people choose to worship the Ahri, and whatever mysterious ~dark force~ make them defect so harshly. The force behind their turn to evil isn’t necessarily proven, so mostly you’re just getting the benefits of having a powerful being like you vs the actual favor of a being equivalent to the Fates. This worship mostly takes place in the shadows. This grants them great power, but high risk if anyone finds out. Most worshippers allow themselves to be possessed, as well as poison people before their birthday ceremonies to make the Fates revoke their immortality unfairly. In return, they gain favor within dark circles, in ways the Fates are unwilling to provide.

Each town/city is formed around holy ground. The more important or blessed an area is, the bigger the town or city. Different Fates have more power in certain areas, so while one rural town may favor the Goddess of Harvest, an urban city may favor the God of Luck. Different families are also predisposed to certain Gods. Since people are immortal, overpopulation would quickly become a problem. Thus, children are only granted to those Fates deem worthy. Most families have a favored God, dating back millennia, that allows them children. If you’ve been worshipping a god for two thousand centuries, it wouldn’t really make sense to turn your back on them!

Nobody is immortal without the Fates because they created humanity.They gave life, and they can take it just as quickly. Citizens of Doem would do well to remember that. (Unfortunately, they seem to have no power over the Ahri, and cannot kill them. Perhaps there is a dark rival force that is finally ready to come out of the shadows…?)

[pigstepmp3-moved]

holy hell, gamers, i finally reached one whole thousand followers! how bonkers is that! when i first made this blog in december 2018, i was just trying to start over in a new fandom. ive been active on tumblr for a looong time (since i was like 11, which is. not great, but we wont get into that). i cant remember quite why i decided to remake, but i never imagined getting a higher following than i did before, but i did! 1000 followers is bonkers, i’ve never had a thousand of anything! i seriously cant thank each and every one of you enough, whether you followed me for 911 or for mcyt or for whatever!

now, since ive reached this absolutely bonkers milestone, im feeling particularly sappy! so under the cut, i have some friends and mutuals tagged who are super great n who are always an absolute pleasure to see on my dash! <3 again, thank you all so much! (ps, if we’re mutuals and i didnt tag u in this, that doesnt mean i dont love and appreciate you!! i mostly am just picking people to tag based off how often i see them on my dash! i love all of u so much <3)

♡ 911 FRIENDS ♡

(aka the ogs, aka the fire fam)

♡ @lovelessmotel ♡ emily!! god, where do i even begin with how much i love and adore you!! i know youre one of my big sisters, but wow i am so proud of how much youve discovered yourself since we’ve met!! like wow, look at this epic, gorgeous person whos one of MY close friends! im so lucky to be friends with you! thank you so much for being my friend, i appreciate you and all the sisterly advice you’ve given me more than i can ever put into words!

♡ @eddiediaz-buckley ♡ sav!! mom!! i love u so unbelievably much!! i am so unbelievably grateful for you and everything youve done for me! all the advice youve given me and all the times youve let me vent to you have been so important to me and i cannot thank you enough for all that. im soso appreciative of you and im so glad that i have someone as amazing as you as my mom/big sister (we’ll never really figure out our fams family dynamics, will we?) (ps, whenever i go outside and have my keys with me, its always so comforting to feel the keychain you got me! its like my moms with me everywhere i go!)

♡ @liesoverthec ♡ bonbonbonbon!!! i love you so much, you wouldnt BELIEVE how much i love you!!! im so glad we met bc you are so unbelievably kind!! there is a very good reason a nickname for u is bonbon bc you are just as sweet as candy!! maybe even more so!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, you give such wonderful advice and talking to you always makes me feel a million times better!! i love you and i am soso glad i get to call you my friend!

♡ @marauder-girl ♡ sabsabsab!! i love u so much, u funky lil future lawyer!! im so proud of u and i can hardly believe ur gonna be my Lawyer big sister!!! thats so awesome!! i cant believe such a rad person is one of MY friends!! how lucky am i!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, youre so kind and funny and talented and your advice has always been so helpful to me too! thank you so much for being my friend and for always being there for me!!

♡ @nighting-gale17 ♡ cait, my love, my wifey!!! wowowow i love u so much!!! im so glad we’re friends, you are so unbelievably lovely!! youre also so unbelievably talented like??? hey queen wanna hand some of ur writing ability over to the unfortunate (like me). i’m so glad we’re friends, youre so sweet and even tho we dont talk as much as we used to, i still have SO much love for you in my heart

♡ @africaneuropean ♡ rae, my father!! i love u so much!! i know we havent talked at all in. who knows how long. but i still have so much love for u in my heart!! you are so iconic and cool and funny, im so glad i met you n became friends with you!! ur one of the coolest people i know, i hope i can be as cool and mysterious and wonderful as you one day

♡ @evaneddie ♡ DHYL!!! dhyl pickle i love u so much!!! whenever u pop into my inbox with random nice messages, every part of me lights up!!! u are so kind to me and for what!! i miss talking to u as much as we used to, you are so sweet and you are such a good friend!! i love u n im SO proud of how far youve come with gif making, i still remember when u first started n youve gotten SO amazing at gifs lately!! i love u soso much n im so glad we’re friends, youre so awesome!!!

♡ @basil-the-writer ♡ des!!! i love u so much!!! i know we’ve never rly talked all that much but im glad we have interacted in the ways that we have!! u are so sweet n so talented!! like the fact that u have the patience for those lil video edits u do?? that is so cool!! all ur edits are so cool, i cannot imagine being able to make stuff like that without dying every single time. u are so cool n i love being able to call u my friend!!

♡ GRIFF ♡

(aka griff)

♡ @yawnralphio ♡ u get ur own section bc u are my only 911 friend who isnt an og, but thats ok bc u are so swaggy!! i love being friends with u griff, u are so cool and funny and i am so glad that u still want to be friends with me despite all of the horrifying things u’ve learned about mcyt from me jdhfajkdhfa. i love u so much n i am so excited to get to know u more n get closer to u!!

♡ FRUITBLR ♡

(aka mcyt friends)

♡ @fear-epidemic ♡ atlas u are so swaggy and funny!! tumblr funny man!! im so glad we’re mutuals, i love u a whole lot. that one time u me n wilby played bed wars together was so fun even if we’re really bad! n that one time we played on the fruitblr server while on vc was so fun, i loved talking to u n playing with u so much, we gotta do that again sometime. i love u so much chapin n im so glad we’re friends!!

♡ @netheritedream ♡ hari my beloved... i love u so much. like literally so much that its really embarassing. i am so glad u tagged me in that one follow forever post n put the offer on the table to let me join the server. i love being ur dumb lil husband!!! jus like actual fundy, i would risk it all to watch treasure planet with u. i love u sososo much, i wish i could live closer to u so i could actually talk to u more often </333 im going through severe withdrawal, pray for me. im gonna stop talking for now bc if i kept going on, this post would be several miles along n nobody has time for that </3 just know that i love u so much and i love having matching icons n i love being ur husband, i love u so much

♡ @sootswilbur ♡ tommy... i care you so much. little bromther!!! im sososo glad we’re friends bc u are so kind to me all the time n u are so easy to talk to!! ur also so talented, ur writing n ur gifs are so amazing n im so proud of all the awesome stuff u make!! seeing u experiment more with ur gif sets n trying new things is so awesome n inspiring and i love seeing ur experiments work out!! i love u soso much n im so happy to be ur big brother!! (or one of them at least)

♡ @fruitbur ♡ virgil my Other beloved... i love u so much!! u are one of the kindest people ive ever met n im so glad i met u!! i know ive already told u this before but ur tagging system is so sweet n i love seeing u reblog my posts bc im like “yay alastair is gonna tell me that he loves me in the tags :D” i also lovelovelove ur theme, i love the soft pink and the lil aesthetic board that u have pinned, its so nice to look at!!! ily sososo much <333

♡ @theartofmining ♡ hey fruit ily. like genuinely, u are so unbelievably funny that u make my ribs hurt so much. i know we’re like never rly that serious but i love u so much. as much as i joke about hating u, i really am glad we’re friends n i really look forward to becoming better friends with u. i love u a whole lot rain, i love seeing u on my dash bc ur full of good takes n funny posts

♡ @sapnaplive ♡ dream.... bonks our foreheads together... i care u so much. my other half!!! i love u with my whole little heart. u are soso cool and im so lucky to be able to call u my friend!! ur themes are always so cool, i wish i could be half as cool as them!!! ur art is also so epic like??? u are a triple threat: good at art, tumblr themes, AND minecraft building. and ur also so kind!!! u are one of the sweetest people i know, i love u so much and im so glad im friends with u!!

♡ @dreams-little-kitten ♡ corn u are so weird and i mean that in the kindest way possible. u are so cryptic n i love that so much about u. ur like the wilbur to my philza sometimes and i think thats so awesome. that one time u came into my inbox to talk shit about that one cuphead boss was so funny and absurd, i loved that so much. i love You so much. i love how ur just so effortlessly funny, n im so glad i can be friends with u

♡ @dreamsmp ♡  JEL!!!! i love u so much holy cow. u are so sweet!! all the time!!! ur also so talented, ur gifs always look so good!!! i love being friends with u, ur always so nice to me n u always leave rly nice tags when u reblog my gif sets that make me so happy!!! i think about that one time u rbed my fundy gif set n said “FUNDY GIFS” and “GIFS BY FUNDY” it made me so happy!!! i love u a whole lot, im so glad we’re friends :)

♡ @leaguelol ♡ damien!! i love u so much u funky little cryptid!! i love when u pop into the gc just to share cryptic thoughts, u are so strange but i think thats so cool of u!!! i honestly see u kinda like a lil sibling, im always so proud of u when i see ur art on my dash!! u are so talented at art!! i love u so much n i love being ur friend, ur rly sweet n i love seeing u on my dash and in the gc!!

♡ @its5undy ♡ idk why im putting u on this, ur my mortal enemy. jkjk, i actually love u a lot clay! i love joking around with u, ur so funny and for what. im so glad u joined the gc bc i love talking to you so much!! i still love that one time u reblogged that fwt gif set n tagged me in it moments after I reblogged it. i love that u thought about me, that rly warms my heart! i love being friends with u sososo much

♡ @cavalreee ♡ oh hey, another great big fruit!! i dont think we talk all that often, which is a shame, bc ur so sweet!! and also so fucking funny, why is everyone in this friend group so fucking funny, its not fair. i love seeing u on my dash talking with ur other friends, u always have the funniest convos ever. also? ur desktop theme is SO epic, it threw me off the first time i saw it but its so swaggy, just like u!! i love u soso much azzie, n i hope we can talk more in the future bc ur so cool

♡ @technosoot ♡ i love u even tho ur a br*t /j /j /j. jannat u are so unbelievably sweet. im so glad u joined the gc bc u are such a kind presence both in there and on my dash! u radiate very Warm, Friend energy. ur friend shaped. i love u so much n i love being friends with u!! im very eager to become closer friends with u bc u seem like a really amazing friend to have

♡ @sortasortaspicy ♡ les where are u in the gc i miss u </3 i love u so much, u fit in so well from the very beginning n brought so much more fun and laughter into the gc. i dont know u all that well n i dont think we’ve talked one on one like. at all. but id love to get closer to u bc ur so rad and ur so sweet!!

♡ EPIC PEOPLE  ♡

(aka mutuals who are so cool n id love to be friends with u pls talk to me)

@eurytherm ♡ @vampkings ♡ @weelbur ♡ @wilburtheesoot ♡ @quackityskarl ♡ @wimblrscoot ♡ @technofarmer ♡ @wooteena ♡ @bloodforblood ♡ @smpsapnap ♡ @literallynotfound ♡ @hearty-an0n ♡ @enderanboo ♡ @springbonniecpu ♡ @pandascanpvp ♡ @tommylnnits ♡ @strawberrygogy ♡ @timedeo ♡ @nymika-arts ♡ @h-isforhome ♡ @eboykarl ♡ @joe-alkaysani ♡ @betwecouldmakesome ♡ @squirrelstone ♡ @maddieandchimney

[perhapsthanatos]

10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

© perhapsthanatos (efa)

[devil-kindred]

WIP Tag

I was tagged by @chyrstis (thanks as always for the tag! ☺️) to post a bit of a WIP! Below are a few I’ve come up with most recently because I shared a bit from one of Evie & Sam’s fics last time and because I thought I’d try showing some love for some of my other OCs. Below are four different wips, for three different OCs. Be warned the last two WIP are smut, though the bit I shared from the third isn’t too naughty. (also i haven’t written smut in a while so it might not be the greatest!)

a changed man [ft. Lucia Moran/Rafe Adler]

“Get out.”

“I know you’re why I survived Libertalia.” He counters, gaze sharp as she goes tense.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh Lucia, Lucia. Don’t play stupid, it’s never suited you.” When she opens her mouth to protest, he tutts and waves a finger. “Ah, no-no, I’m not done. You see, even if you could’ve gotten the staff to stay quiet⏤ which was never going to happen anyway, you know the staff loves you⏤ I would’ve known from the fact that things in my office were moved. The staff never go in when I’m not home so I know it wasn’t them. Besides, you left something behind.”

“What⏤ Rafe.” She warns, as he comes closer and only halts when there’s less than a foot of space between them. He extends a closed fist, holding it aloft and opening it to reveal a delicate silver chain dangling between his fingers. The loose portion drops from his palm and Lucia can’t help the sharp intake of breath as the moonlight catches on the sparkling ring worth millions hanging from the chain.

“You left your ring.”

-

subconscious desires [ft. Jade Morgan/Sam Porter Bridges]

“I’ll uh... I’ll just be in the cave.” She says, turning quickly to dash away from the hot spring. “Didn’t mean to intrude.”

“The heck are you talking about?” Sam says, gesturing to the expansive spring with one hand while directing BB’s pod back into reaching distance with the other. “Spring’s huge. Not like we’d be on top of each other.”

When she remains tentatively at the outskirts of the spring, he sighs.

“Look, get in or don’t but don’t not take advantage because of me. The next town is miles and days away, this is the last chance we’re gonna get for a while. Besides, Jade, I’m not gonna look if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“That’s not—“ she bristles, then sighs in defeat. “You’re right. Just— Face the other way or something! I know you aren’t going to look but humor me.”

Sam shakes his head but turns to face away from the side she’s standing on, even pushing BB’s pod along to do the same.

-

gonna make sure you don’t forget [Faye Holcomb/Higgs Monaghan]

Faye is exhausted. Bone deep, don’t want to move another muscle, wouldn’t-move-even-if-the-room-was-an-inferno level exhausted. Which is exactly why she’s face down on the cot Higgs’ junk isn’t piled on in the post-stranding world’s shortest pair of exercise shorts and a t-shirt. Her legs hurt, her back hurts, hell even her ass hurts and she barley did any sitting when they took a break or two on the agonizingly long trek to the city. She’s not moving when Higgs comes back from... wherever it is that he’s fucked off to.

He can get his crap off the other cot or sleep on the floor for all she cares.

“Well look at you, darlin’. All laid out like the world’s finest dish.” Higgs whistles appreciatively, the pizza box in his hands long forgotten as he eyes Faye’s prone form with a grin. “Didn’t waste any time at all.”

“Fuck off, Monaghan.”

“Now, now, no need to get angry.” He tutts, boots thumping across the concrete floor as he sets the pizza on a nearby table. “You know I hate it when you use my last name.”

Faye sighs into the fabric of the cot and raises a hand, flipping the bird in the general direction of his voice.

“Once more, Monaghan. With feeling.”

She lowers her arm back to the cot when Higgs offers no reply and takes the sound of his boots being unzipped and tossed to the floor as a sign that the conversation is over. But oh, how wrong she is. Her prone form, once relaxed, goes ramrod straight as a heavy warmth settles on her back and a knee slips between her legs⏤ Higgs’ body pressing her own into the mattress.

“What the fuck, Monaghan?” Faye hisses, squirming beneath him to turn on her side even as every single one of her muscles protests. “Get off.”

“Ah darlin’ there you go again, calling me by the wrong name.” He smoothes her long hair back from her neck and nuzzles the exposed skin, warm breath sending a shiver down her spine. “You think you’d know better by now.”

She squirms again, barely smothering a gasp of his name— the correct one this time— when her core presses against the hard ridge of his knee. She freezes, a pit of heat turning in her belly as Higgs drawls out her name.

-

out in the open [ft. Faye Holcomb/Higgs Monaghan]

“Oh, I wish you could see yourself right now.” Higgs murmurs against her ear as he bends her further and pulls Faye tighter against him. “You’re so beautiful.”

She’s practically panting, barely able to hang onto what he’s saying with all the sensations crashing against her. She has enough mind at present to register three things aside the cresting wave of pleasure: the feel of grass and dirt held tightly beneath her hands, the warmth of Higgs’ body contrasted against the open air, and the feel of his cloak draped over them both— shielding their bodies from the prying eyes of any who may wander into the field. She hangs onto those thoughts until he gives another thrust and presses her further into him... until everything falls away and all that’s left is pleasure.

“Your hair is a disaster, darlin. Sticking up every which way.” He tsks, nudging her thighs with his own to open her wider while he adjusts his firm grip on her hips. “S’okay though, just means— oh?” A pause as he sinks deep into her heat and stills before repeating the motion. “Right there, hm? You look so lovely like this. Skin all flushed and warm, panting and moaning my name. Got a little loud there for a minute. Wouldn’t want one of the other porter’s to stumble by, no. We’ve got my cloak of course, but I don’t want you accidentally exposed to other prying eyes.”

[harryhighkey]

netflix cheating

hiii my very first imagine on this account (i had a 1d account a v long time ago where i posted some other writings and stuff but we don’t talk about her) hopefully u like this!!!!!!!!! idk netflix has just had so many good shows drop recently and i felt a lil inspired!

have an idea for a part 2 of this, so if u like this and want the second part let me know :~)

happy reading 

__________________________________________________

Are you still watching?

The dreaded pop up message had appeared before your eyes on the large television mounted on the wall.

Fuck. You cursed inwardly, you had just watched more than half the season of the new Sabrina series on Netflix. Usually that would be fine, considering you didn’t have anything that important to do today, except it wasn’t fine as you and Harry had planned to watch it together.

“Holy shit.” You cursed out loud this time when you picked up your phone and looked at the time. The hours had vanished and you groaned out loud before hoisting yourself up from the ultimate slouched position you had fallen into.

Being a binge-watcher was no new concept to you. You loved your television series and every character you got to know so well. But, god, this couch-potato habit had only increased after Harry gifted you a lounge that felt like you were sitting on a literal cloud and the massive television he had spent all day setting up in your little living room.

“Harry... this is too much.” You never expected extravagant presents from him, you never wanted him to think you were with him for what he had in his bank account.

“The polite thing is to just say thank you.” He smiled over his shoulder at you and you couldn’t help but feel your lips pull into a mirroring smile.

“Thank you, baby.”

“You’re welcome.” He had that cocky expression and you shook your head with a quick laugh. Fuck, he made you so happy. “Take a seat on the couch, ‘s real comfy.”

“Don’t want me to wait for you?”

“Gotta finish putting the tele’ up.”

“Ah, so we won’t actually be sitting on the couch for a good week.”

“Hey, now. You can’t rush perfection, Y/N.”

You smiled at the memory from only over a month ago, your eyes going to the free space beside you on the massive couch and remembering the very physical and intimate way you had shown your gratitude of the new gift. Something about the way he had a screwdriver sticking out the back pocket of his black skinny jeans really turned you on. And of course, Harry making a joke about christening the couch which quickly became less of a joke as the two of you did more than just christen that couch. Multiple times.

Just as if the Greek Goddess Aphrodite was watching over you, wanting you to indulge in the pleasure you were sinking into after remembering that heated night with Harry, there was that knock on your apartment door you knew was going to be your boyfriend.

Excitement bubbled in your stomach as you dashed to open the door. “Hey.” Unintentionally, your voice was lower, slower, more sensual, there was no hiding what you were feeling. Your eyes were a little hooded and as soon as you had opened the door and spotted Harry, your teeth sunk into your bottom lip.

As soon as he noticed your very alluring mood, he knew exactly how you were feeling and instantly his own excitement began to increase. “You alright, Y/N?” His voice had that deep tone you loved hearing in your ear just as you were about to climax and fuck, did you want him right there and then.

Harry was very aware of that fact as he lifted his arm in order to simply drag just one of his fingertips down the side of your face, he could see how needy you were, and you knew he was going to drag this out. Which you both loved and hated the idea of.

When his finger paused on your neck, he then just barely cupped his hand around the base of your neck. “Didn’t hear me?” His tone was slightly dominant then and your eyes snapped open wide as you met his heavy gaze, your lips were just barely parted in thrill for what else was to come if this was how he was acting already.

“Um.. Yeah, I’m alright.” You found your voice again as you stepped back, noting that the two of you were still stood in the open door way.

As Harry entered and closed the door behind him, he did a quick scan of your living area to try and get a hint of what had put you in this mood. That is until, something else got his attention.

“What were you watching?” He questioned as he spotted the Are you still watching? Screen on your television.

This puzzled you, because you knew he had just had a complete shift in mood. The question wasn’t playful, as if he was anticipating an answer of something like Fifty Shades of Grey. He turned to look back at you and you looked away. The flip of the emotion wasn’t what you were hoping for. You were hoping he’d stroll in and fuck you against the wall right beside your front door and for a moment you thought he would. How quickly that dream crashed down. You didn’t want to answer this time, you felt guilt that you hadn’t waited for him. He was sensitive, and you knew little things like this got to him.

“Y/N?” He pressed on, and a part of you guessed he had already switched on.

“Just rewatching Queer Eye.” A quick shrug of your shoulders paired with a smile wasn’t enough for him and when you saw him take a step closer to the couch you matched his movement, reaching for the remote but his longer reach got to it first.

Your vision stayed trained on the television as you heard the remote click and the screen changed to the episode listing of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Last night, only two of the episodes had been fully watched by you and Harry. But now, seven of the episodes were watched.

“Fucking hell.” Harry muttered and you looked at him then, seeing his jaw locked tight and his face set in a frown. You figured he would’ve been annoyed but it would quickly become something the two of you could have laughed off. Now you weren’t so sure.

“I’m really sorry.” You apologised and moved an inch closer to him. You had anticipated him to sigh and turn towards you and tell you it was okay. Instead, you got the opposite.

“Sorry isn’t good enough, Y/N.” He kept his gaze locked on the television and you couldn’t help but to frown at his response.

“Harry, it’s fine. You know I love to watch things over and over, anyway. I’ll rewatch them all with you.”

“We were meant to watch them together.”

“We still can.”

“No we fucking can’t!” His voice raised as he finally met your eye sight. Both of your expressions challenging each other.

“Why are you so angry at me?! Netflix is right there, we can watch it right now.”

“I don’t want to watch it with you now.”

“Oh my god, you’re being so immature.” You verbally groaned and brought your hands up to rub over your face out of frustration. Although, upon hearing the remote being thrown against the couch followed by Harry movements, you were alert once more. “Where are you going?!” You swiftly moved to stand in front of your boyfriend, but once you were this close to his face, you realised just how angered he looked. “Hey.. what’s wrong?” An attempt to comfort him by trying to caress his cheek was cut short as he batted your hand away and glared back at you.

“You.”

“What?”

“You’re what’s wrong.” He snapped and you became defensive.

“Harry, I said I was sorry. It’s only a show-”

“It’s not about the fucking show, Y/N.” He admitted and with a mix of feeling guilty at the situation and not knowing what you had done to warrant this out burst, you began to feel your own anger growing in retaliation.

“You know, you’re being a fucking dick right now.”

“Coming from how much you wanted my dick when I walked in here, I’ll take that as a compliment.” He quipped back. He was stubborn, you were stubborn and when both of you were caught in this vague frustration, nothing was going to be solved.

“Fuck off.”

“Gladly.” You weren’t expecting him to head for the front door, but that’s exactly what he did.

“Why are you leaving?!” You yelled that time but it was more out of desperation than anger at this point.

He didn’t bother to turn back to you when he responded, his hand remaining on your door handle. “Jus’ sick of you letting me down all the time.”

Harry’s answer cut rigidly into your heart and you couldn’t find the proper words to respond with in time as he disappeared from out the door he had entered through before. Your mind was racing a million miles a second to try and think of what you could have possibly done - or not done.

You were drawing a blank, had you forgotten something? This couldn’t all of been over a TV show, it had to have just been the final fatal drop that was enough for Harry to crack.

Even as the hours of the night trickled on and you lay in bed wide awake, you still could not think of what else had happened. The few calls you attempted to make to Harry were left unanswered and as you signed and opened up the Netflix app on your phone to find something to watch to try and help you sleep. That fucking Sabrina show was the first title in your continue watching and suddenly, Netflix was the last thing you wanted to do.

ps, here's part two!

[xtruss]

Mural In Soccer Star’s Hometown Became Anti-Racism Symbol

BY DANICA KIRKA

July 13, 2021

LONDON (AP) — Through the pens and pencils of children, England is fighting back against racism.

After Marcus Rashford and two other Black players missed penalty kicks in the final moments of the national soccer team’s European Championship loss to Italy, bigots defaced a mural of the Manchester United star and hurled racist abuse at the three on social media. Children in Manchester rose to Rashford’s defense, filling spaces on the wall with messages of support, encouragement and consolation.

“I hope you won’t be sad for to (sic) long because you are such a good person,” 9-year-old Dexter Rosier wrote. “I’m proud of you. You will always be a hero.”

The mural, which occupies a brick wall not far from where Rashford grew up, has become a symbol of England’s fight against the bigotry that has blighted the sport loved by people of all backgrounds. The struggle is playing out across the country as politicians and pundits, athletes and activists, react to the racist comments that surfaced post-defeat and undermined the sense of national unity created by England’s uplifting run to its first major soccer championship final since 1966.

The online abuse of the Black players underscores the problems created by one vision of what it means to be English, which is rooted in visions of the past glories of empire and colonialism and often surfaces during international sporting events, said Professor Bridget Byrne, director of the Center on the Dynamics of Ethnicity at Manchester University.

“The work of achieving racial justice in the U.K. is far from over, and that’s what this has revealed,” she said. “Whilst racism has become less socially acceptable to express openly, it is still very much a strand in British culture.”

Prime Minister Boris Johnson was quick to condemn racism and blamed social media companies for not doing enough to stop the spread of hate on their platforms. He said he would use a meeting with company leaders Tuesday to reiterate the urgent need for action.

Critics said that Johnson and his government failed to tackle the issue at the start of the Euro 2020 tournament, when some fans booed the England team for kneeling symbolically at the start of games to highlight the problem of racism.

Home Secretary Priti Patel, whose department oversees police and domestic affairs, has come under particular scrutiny after she opposed what she called “gesture politics” and said fans had the right to boo. In an interview last month, Patel also criticized protests last summer by the U.K.‘s Black Lives Matter movement, including one where a statue of a 17th century slave trader was toppled, as efforts to rewrite history.

On Monday, England player Tyrone Mings chastised Patel for playing politics after she called on the police to take action against those who subjected the soccer players to “vile racist abuse.”

“You don’t get to stoke the fire at the beginning of the tournament by labelling our anti-racism message as ‘Gesture Politics’ & then pretend to be disgusted when the very thing we’re campaigning against, happens,” Mings wrote on Twitter.

Marvin Sordell, a former professional soccer player who advises England’s Football Association on diversity, said the outpouring of disgust from politicians and pundits was depressingly familiar.

“We always see condemnation,” Sordell told the BBC. “It’s the same for a few days, then we kind of get back to normal and then another incident happens.…We kind of live in this cycle that continuously goes on. At some point, we have to break the cycle. At some point, it isn’t enough to just be outraged. We have to do something.”

Rashford, who grew up a few miles from Manchester United’s historic Old Trafford stadium, joined England’s national team at the age of 18 after scoring a barrage of goals for his hometown club. The son of a single mother who sometimes skipped meals to ensure her five children didn’t have to, he became a national icon last year when he led a campaign that forced the government to feed children who were missing out on free school meals while the pandemic closed schools.

In response to the abuse he received Sunday night and the outpouring of support from fans, Rashford, now 23, spoke of his teammates and the “brotherhood” created by their successes and failures this summer.

“I can take critique of my performance all day long, my penalty was not good enough, it should have gone in,” he wrote in a Twitter message that has been liked almost 1 million times. “But I will never apologise for who I am and where I came from.”

That is Manchester’s Withington neighborhood, where local artists painted a two-story, black-and-white mural of Rashford after the success of his school meals campaign.

Abi Lee, assistant head teacher of the nearby St. Paul’s Church of England Primary School, said students were upset by the way Rashford and his teammates were treated, so she took them to the mural to show them how people are fighting racism.

“We wanted them to see that nothing can knock you if you keep fighting,″ Lee said.

Nicola Wellard said her children went to bed crying after England’s loss dashed hopes of a European championship this year. But they were more upset when they found out that racists had targeted local hero Rashford.

On Tuesday afternoon her son, 11-year-old Dougie, proudly pasted his own message on the mural.

“He only missed a penalty,” Dougie wrote. “He doesn’t deserve this.”

[abrilstevens]

alright anon, here it is! i’m going to take you through the process of making an icon pack like the one below. i’ll try to go into detail as much as i can without making this post a million miles long, but feel free to shoot me an ask if you have any questions.

TUTORIAL UNDER THE CUT

ok so first things first: use a high quality video to get your icon screencaps because that will make your life a lot easier. even though icons are tiny, it’s still hard to make low quality screencaps look good, especially when you have to mess around with the dimensions. the original screencap below is 1280x720px.

thankfully getting rid of the background on these kind of caps is actually pretty easy and can be done using the magnetic lasso tool because evie stands out from the background (yay! i’m lazy). the magnetic lasso wouldn’t work as well if, say, the walls were a similar color to evie’s hair or something.

so you just click all around her until you have all the parts you want, like i did below. it doesn’t have to be perfect because i’m going to use the select and mask tool next.

the right side of the image above is what the select and mask screen looks like. the settings you’ll want to use depend on the picture and how accurate you were with the lasso tool. usually i like to smooth the selection quite a bit, use a tiny bit of feathering, and shift the edge of the selection if i was sloppy with the magnetic lasso tool (shifting the edge in the positive direction will add more of the background back so you can erase it manually). if the result looks too soft around the edges for your taste, you can just go back to the select and mask screen and add more contrast. just go with what looks good to you!

click the layer mask button (circled above) and the background will disappear. using layer masks is the best way to do this imo because if you messed up while selecting, you can just use the paint brush tool on the mask. using white will show more of the background, using black will erase more of it (also you can press the x button to switch between black and white, which made masking way less annoying for me).

anyway, cool, onto actually making the icon. just create a new document in whatever color. i like to work with 200x200 canvases, but some people prefer to use 100x100 because that’s what tumblr will shrink it to on your dash.

for the background, i like to use gradients because i think they look nice, but solid colors are fine, too. gradients are super easy. just select the gradient tool (bottom left), then click on the gradient i circled below (top left), then set the colors you want the ends of the gradient to be using the two buttons circled on the right.

once you have your colors set, just drag your cursor from the top to the bottom of the canvas, or from corner to corner, whatever floats your boat. mine looked like the left pic at first. i like more contrast, so i just duplicated that layer and set the top one to overlay. the right is the result.

now i just drag my evie layer on top of my new canvas and adjust the size to fit my icon, then fix the edges if need be. i put my editing process below and my layers once i finished. sorry if the image is blurry, tumblr hates me, just click on it for full size.

obviously i made a ton of colors for each icon and if you’re planning on doing that, i recommend just making your different color gradients and saving them together as a psd like the one i have below. you can just drag whatever onto that psd and edit it however you like, then just change the background color by making that layer visible. not having to switch between documents saves a lot of time, imo.

ok, that’s it! hopefully that was helpful! again, let me know if you have any questions/need something explained.

[some-bitch-named-destyni]

The Mad Machine

at this time of day, the day hasnt begun yet.

its silent, dark and still.

mostly like my state of mind. and where am i going?

what will i do, what will i forge from this mass of time yet to be had,

still forming in front of me. still begining to settle into exsistence..

the nights on her way about to be bourne into a breakIng light.

the dawn is close and from inside my blonde mind i feel the spirits settle into place.

the whole of life is getting ready. soon the sin will come

and the makers mark will be stamped into the heavens

illuminate the unseen reastless, the remains and on their way out

and then burning flames of fire 93 million miles out from where i sit here

waiting for this day to become alive

to be here, present, to breathe its first and take its first....

who is doing this for the last time .....who is waking one more six a.m. to make it to work

who will drink their last coffe in the next hour?

who hasnt finished things, they have waited their entire life to...

who will this measure of moment claim as it becomes viable, seeable, touchable in front of me

i see the bushes begin to wrestle, the sky begin to change, from black to dark blue, then mid blue

and its forming

its being born around me in the air im connected with here by opening up the door

opening up my soul to blend into the coming new day, to accept the hands of fate

to bargin one last time with chance and mental illness

the sun rises and the angels and demons flex and begin in motion all around and

life is happening one more time

to be greeted by one more opportunity to suffer

one more guarantee of smoke and focus and listess hours of no peace

no pride

no love

no reason

i have an itch as i feel the froming morning touch the tissue in my nerve endings and surround, swirl and sustain me in surreal understanding that im not stopping it.

no one is.

the day will be real in one hour. the time will arrive, and move and keep going and drag us all into its bitter cruel grasp , and then provide for the platform from which the undone, the unsatisfied forgotten and wasted therein suddenly UNbecome the essence of understanding higher concious, and regress to UNeternal, UNuniversal, UNable to continue as energy and BEcome disconnected from the oneness that life and all things are together..,seeing that this force of nature in harmony was always the beautiful lie bekieved by desperate sad fools to pacify our crushing weight of seperation by having been trapped in mortal skin and lend faith that only need be in place for the purpose of worsening the impact of truly being what we and all that can feel are and mean in our core...NOTHING. NEVER. no point, no divinity, no sanctity, and no where to go after the last breath as it settles in that there is no thing binds us all, because we exsist to simpl matter as least as we can be actualized into matteringl that, awaits, instead of the lie we will continue on in any remotely justifing pattern. its all here for nothing, we go nowhere.we find no ultimate value because in reality.... we are meant to experience and generate the lack of worth, the structure of pain from losing any significance. and in this stark realization....our exsistance of disharmony and violence regretfully Iver takes us.

me. overtakes me. fullfill true human nature and begin an afterlife thrived from the opposite of substance.

worst. the worst thingbu can think of or be told. its the only thing there, or that makes us, me, serve our function.........

im not stopping it. im not slowing it down. im not escaping it. u cant relax reality...u just cant.

and im able to tap into these natural certainties lately, see the dead still not departed, retain awareness that each new day is a new reason for the leaves to change, the wind to burn , the flowers to wither and the hands of hate to close strong around the hope this universe insists must

come

to

an

end

and i see the things aroumd me now the sun has begun to give creedence to the possibility.

tje worst of al, enemies . possibility. its inevitable. with every dawn, once again we vome back to attention just to be dashed uppn our graves like thpusand year old samd forgotten blowing lifelessly for eternity.

thats what today is. tjats all this day is. its what i, watching and feeling life force on us.

wothout tomorow, u would never be worse.

without tomorrow you would never lose again

without tomorrow u could just lie atill

without tomorrow you could just pretend

so each new experience in the change between the night and the dawn, i suddenly plug in

weather i want to, with the bees and bords and fox and geese and fish and ground and dirt and sound and thoughts about the family dead solhiers left behind when they died a thousand years ago...i plug into the other side, and see the truth of finality.

as we are here, every day is anothee reason to be terified and consu,ed with gloomy onsession.

and when we are gone, we stay like that forever . part of this mad machine

an eternal piece of the construct that causes chaos, brings happines to an end, makes certain all pleasure faded and grips us gentle hard enough our spirits leak the essence of misery fuel to keep the heels turning

i get plugged into this when the new oppotunity comes

every morning just at day break

maybe im getting closer?

maybe todsy is my day

maybe this is my last morning. my last coffee. my last post on tumblr.

maybe my parents will know the unhealing wound of living long enough to bury a child finally.

maybe im close, and i can feel it all like this because its coming closer now

in these mornings, im startimg to get close enough that i cam hear through the wall

that i can hear the other side...

when the sun is fully risen in a moment, i become fair game just like we all do.

and my chances may end. all that i am and ever was, ever did, ever thought, ever felt or loved or needed or lived or ,ade or gave or took or shared or wanted or hoped for

hoped for

maybe today, will be the day its all turned into half hearted recollection by someone i cant ever see or touch or kiss again

so let the sun rise now, as i can see its thoughtless intention on forcing one more day into the galaxy, and let it take full stance above us all.

and remain there clear and fixed, to show me, to show you, to show remind us all

of the sky doesnt look dark today...u arent looking hard enough.

if ull pay attention....u will see whats waiting for you in the echo. in the eternal. in the mad machine....

[spellyjane]

Big Island Splash, Mash, Dash!

Belated Aloha, forgive me for taking two weeks to write this!

I thought we had landed on the moon as I descended the plane stairs onto the island of black volcanic rubble. After nine plus hours of flying I had arrived at Triathlon Mecca, Kona, a little town on a wisp of land in the middle of a massive ocean, noisy with wind and hot as hades.

Hawaii is halfway between Sydney and Chicago so provided the perfect location for a rendezvous with my Dad whom I had not seen for over a year. (Aww, thanks for coming and sharing this with me Dad. ×××)

“Downtown” Kona is small and super cute but that week was COMPLETELY overrun with compression-wear trussed, trucker hat clad, slightly weather beaten, uber athletic types. I almost fit right in.

I was pleased to get up and out of the hype on my first night, having a home cooked meal with my dear friends Ben and Lillian at their B&B located on a flower farm way above Kona. Ben and Lillian are a fab couple I met running in Jersey City. I laughed off their prediction back in 2013 after my first 70.3 that I would one day race at Kona, thinking of course that will never happen because I will NEVER do an Ironman. I was beyond flattered to receive a message from these guys on my return home from IM Texas with my IMWC slot secured, telling me that they had booked their flights to Kona! Just wow.

At the suggestion of a friend I had signed up for the big charity Underpants run. Yes! Why not? It is for charity, I figured that if I had to endure running along behind ironmen in their tighty whities, well it would be worth it, for the charity of course. I wore a pair of huge granny dacks sporting a kangaroo waving an Aussie flag on the butt and dragged my poor Dad to the start line. He did not run, just observed… (that sounds way more creepy that it really was.) I met up with some friends Mike, a seasoned Kona participant and Jeff a green Kona rookie just like me.

We had a hoot, Mike and Jeff were happy to be stuck behind the Coeur Team girls, how shallow, I mean really? Post run “analysis” and breakfast at Evolution hit the spot. Oh a tip for Underpants Run rookies I gleaned from post race observation: sweaty tighty whities may leave you exposing a whole lot more than you anticipated.

Simon arrived on the Thursday. We had decided to leave the kids solo in Chicago… just kidding, our friends Alex and Theresa stepped in there. Theresa was so super cute, she called the schools to make sure the boys got there ok, drove the boys to their after school triathlon sessions and gave up their whole weekend too! What a load off our minds, we were so grateful.

I was able to squeeze in some down time. Dad, Simon and I spent Thursday afternoon sitting on the lanai of our apartment sipping a beer, watching the sun go down, taking a million photos and solving the world’s problems. I don't get to chill with my Dad too often, spending time with my Dad like that has left a warm little glow in my heart. It was one of my favorite moments of the trip. (My Dad hates being in photos, but I do manage to snag him in a few pics on this trip.)

As amiable and easy going as you all know me to be, I knew I would be prone to a little pre Ironman World Championships fretting. I did not want to expose my loved ones to my potential dragon lady side so I sent Simon and Dad off to explore Volcano National Park on the other side of the Island on Friday. A rather unwelcome visitor arrived on Friday, perhaps the best euphemism I can use is “Aunt Flo”, what a cow, she was not invited and I was not expecting to see her. She threw me in a bit of a spin, but I pulled it together and added dealing with that to my race plan.

I got my race gear together, checked my bike and checked in. What an awesome hype! I had forgotten that I had listed my occupation on the Ironman registration form as “Secret Agent.” As I walked down the red carpet to check in they called me out, “Here is Kelly Phuah, she is competing in the women’s 45-49 age group…” [pause] “she is a secret agent!” Haha, cover blown!

I was welcomed into Transition by my very own volunteer escort, Craig. Craig and his wife,  from Seattle, have been coming to the big Island for the last 10 years to volunteer for IMWC!

Whaaat!? I know right? Gulp, I felt a little overwhelmed at that moment. I racked my bike, hung my transition bags.  Then I stood for a few moments on the red carpet, I let myself feel special for being there before heading off to eat and find an air conditioner!

I found my friend Mike and we talked race stuff and spectator logistics tips while sipping protein shakes with our feet up. It was the perfect pre race afternoon.

Dinner that night was right down in the middle of all the action at Honu’s, overlooking the athlete area and swim start with Ben, Lillian, Dad and Simon. There was much discussion over the spectator plans and I shared my hopeful race splits to help them know where I would be at certain times. I was worried about how the day was going to be for everyone who had come all that way to watch. I knew it would be a long hot day for them too.

I had to have the Hawaiian Pizza, oh wow, caramelized pineapple and kalua shredded pork, It was awesome!

I got antsy all of a sudden in the middle of dinner when I realised that I was doing a freaking Ironman the next day. I rushed our farewells with Ben and Lillian and dragged Dad and Simon home. I have no clear memory of going to bed or how I slept, my mind just leaps to Simon and I driving down Alii Drive at 4am!

Race Day

Goal: under 11hrs.

Gosh, how much detail can you handle? Do I make it sound epic and glamorous? I guess if you are reading this then you are either a really good friend or a weird triathlon junkie so I will just give you the ugly truth.

Treading water with 600 other women waiting for the start canon was crazy. Everyone was apologetically kicking each other. I looked back at the crowd on the shore and the pier and let the swell of excitement pick me up. I sighted the 1st boat and wiggled a little closer to the front. The cannon boomed and we turned from polite and apologetic to tiger sharks. I was kicked, swam over and grabbed, I had to restart my watch 3 times because the stop button was kicked. I am quite sure I did my fair share of kicking others too, it was impossible not to. And at one stage I found myself laying completely on top of another athlete, I have no idea where she,came from!

I found my rhythm eventually and was able to start really swimming. By about half way I could feel my speedsuit cutting into my neck and throat as I was sighting and turning to breathe. It left quite a good chafe and I looked like I had been strangled. I snuck a peak at my watch as we made the turn at the boats, I was happy to see I was on schedule for my goal of a sub 70min swim. I was enjoying the water, it was clear and fairly calm. I could see the bottom. I picked out a blue swim cap on the bottom and wondered if it’s owner was down there too. I made the last push to the pier and grabbed the stairs, I ripped off my speed suit with glee and made my way around to T1 on wobbly legs.

1:09:42

I rinsed off my face with some fresh water, grabbed my bag and dove into the tent, and with the help of another volunteer it was suit off, socks on, shoes on, glasses on, food in pocket, loo stop #1 and out to my bike. Helmet on and go go go.

4:44

Yay!! Spotted my posse as I took off on the bike.

Lol, my Dad showing me the way to go…

I settled in and got out onto the Queen K thinking ok Kona, show me what you’ve got, bring it, do your worst.

I had a plan, hold watts for an IF around .68-.69. Yeah, naa, that just did not feel right. I was hot and pushing those watts just felt a little more taxing than it should so I backed off a little and kept a closer eye on my effort than my watts. I guess the wind was kind because even at the lower watts I was still on schedule for a 5:40 bike.

The best tip from Mike, stay wet all day. So at every aid station I was grabbing a cold bottle of water and pouring it all over my body, it was keeping me relatively cool.

I was keeping an eye out for girls in my age group, I passed a few and but noticed as we got closer to the finish that we were all getting a little feisty and not letting each other get too far away.

The climb up to Hawi was the first time that I really felt good, not being familiar with the course had made me a little reserved but when I hit that climb I felt like I just had this one hard bit and I was more than half way. I made the turn for home at the top and launched myself down that descent with a mission. So much fun! I was ticking down the miles and aiming to be out on the run course in under 7hrs and that kept me on the gas all the way back into Kona.

Ugh, triathletes are disgusting, the visor on my helmet was totally aero but also saved me from taking a snot rocket the face. “Dude!!” I shouted as I passed, he looked really sorry, but still, look over your shoulder before you launch. Same goes for the girl taking a wee. Being splashed by someone else's piss is not cool either.

My guts were feeling a little sketchy nearing the end of the bike, I took a couple of Imodium hoping to hold off the horrible tummy cramps etc I seem to be prone to on the run.

I came hurtling down the bike finish chute, eyeballing my volunteer bike catcher, I dismounted like a swan gliding in for a landing on a lake while seamlessly passing my bike to the catcher. They will probably be playing that footage in the Kona highlights, because it was so  freaking pro.

5:38:48

Into T2 in my socks, grabbed by bag, ripping off clothes as I ran, sort of like Superman - until my arms got hopelessly snagged in my super tight bike jersey and I resembled something more like a mad person trying to escape a straightjacket.  Yay for those volunteers. So, shoes on, race belt in hand, loo stop #2 and off on the run.  

4:33

Bahaaa, happens every time, my body rejoices for the 1st 2 km and I am lulled into a false sense of, “Oh hell yeah, I am going to be so amazing.” A quick glance at my overall time on my watch had me out on the run course in under 7 hours, yessss. I felt so confident that I was going to make that 11hr goal.  All I had to do was manage a 4 hr marathon. Then at about kilometer 3 it began to suck.  I saw my posse again at around this point, Simon and Ben ran alongside, giving me my position in the field and who was where, at that moment, they could have told me that there was a lion chasing me and it would not have made the bit of difference to my pace.  

I ran on in misery, downing a couple more Imodium for my increasingly cranky gut.  I had been taking salt tabs every hour, I had had mucho electrolytes and fluids on the bike and about 200 cals/hr all tried and tested and to plan.

Anyway, my mood began to shift, the discomfort in my gut was relieved for a little while.  I was given a huge piece of ice at an aid station. I sucked it, rubbed it on my body, down my legs and sides, down my arms and over my face, I bit little pieces off and when it was small enough it put it down my top. (My gosh, that almost sound erotic - it quite possibly was!) By the time I was heading back along Alii Drive and saw my posse again, I was a different girl.

I got down to business, thinking, tidy posture, keep hydrated and wet.  I was sad to see a few girls in my AG glide by but just kept to my own race and reminded myself that a sub 11 hr race was my goal and that racing someone else's game was not smart. There were 2 more loo stops on the run course, the last being out on Energy Lab road with about 16k / 10miles to go.  After that I was feeling much better. I made it up out of the Energy Lab climb and headed for home gritting my teeth to hold on to that 4 hr marathon but intermittently smiling because I totally knew I was going to do it.

I was surprised to see another friend Liz cheering me on as I turned off the Queen K down Palani rd. Eek, that downhill was ugly, ouch, I felt like a robot, horrible form that I just could not fix at that point. I nearly cried when Simon told me I had a mile to go. A mile! Oh just make this OVER! Finally I entered the finish chute with an idiotic grin, feeling emotional, tired and proud. I punched the air 2 times as I crossed the finish line.

3:58:44

Total time: 10:56:31, 16/88 F45-49 

So much room for improvement!

A friend asked me that night if I was keen to do it again, it only took one sleep for that answer to go from no way to yeah, I need another crack at that.

I got to spend another couple of days with Dad before we took off to opposite sides of the earth again. I was glad we got to see the town transform back into the cute little town it is 51 weeks of the year.

Mahalo!

I am surrounded by really hard working and intelligent people, people who inspire me to push myself and to be humble. (Well, I try with the humble bit.) I don't know many people more hard working and intelligent than Simon, he blows me away with his own dedication and humility and I live my life struggling to keep up with him. He is my biggest fan and I would not be doing any of this without his support.

My race experience was made really special with the support and fun with Ben, Lillian, Dad, Mike, Jeff, Liz and and Simon. Oh guys, thanks a million.

The online messages and texts from my family, my INTENT team mates, and friends were wonderful!! Pre race pep talks from my very good friend Jeff kept me in check. Much love to everyone who was following my race online and cheering along at home

My coach Rick Schopp at INTENT is also one of those inspiring people, I have put myself into painville at his instruction so many times but I am still here, I am still keen and I am getting faster. He has shown me that the pain pays off. Sending me the Urban dictionary definition of whinge when I slightly lost my shit during my second last intense training week leading into Kona was just the kick in the pants I needed.  

(That sounds rough, he may have added a few additional kind words in there too.)

Much love to Alex and Theresa for taking great care of our boys while we were away.

Many thanks to the volunteers who gave their time and to the super cute little town of Kona for letting us take over!

Mahalo xo

Now I count down just a few weeks to Ironman Cozumel before we pack up and make the very exciting move to Denver, Colorado!  Two more years in the USA before we head back to Australia.

Pic credits: Thanks Ben, Lillian and Simon

[verytamenow]

all of them!

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? - 5′8″ to 5′10″2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) - I can barely take care of myself3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? - I’ve got a thing for a good suit but I live in tees/polos and jeans4: What was your favorite video game growing up? - Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. It still is5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: At the current moment, we’re all thinking of Taylor constantly6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? - It’d be so long, dude.7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? - Didn’t give me a topic mate8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] - Melancholic9: Are you ticklish? - Very10: Are you allergic to anything? - Nope11: What’s your sexuality? - Too gay to function12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? - Cocoa! Always!13: Are you a cat or dog person? - Cats14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? - Even not wanting to be immortal, Vampire is the best option15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? - Miniladd16: How tall are you?- 5′5″17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? - Something gender neutral or something else that starts with Z18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] - Too much19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? - Not really20: Do you like space or the ocean more? - The ocean21: Are you religious? - No22: Pet peeves? - People who don’t know they’re order in a drive thru23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? - I’d be at least a little more functional if I were diurnal but I’m nocturnal so24: Favorite constellation? Orion, though I’m not into astronomy25: Favorite star? - Sirius I guess26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? - I don’t like dools27: Any phobias or fears? - Spiders. I don’t like heights either.28: Do you think global warming is real? - Yes29: Do you believe in reincarnation? - I’m open to the concept30: Favorite movie? - This was asked below31: Do you get scared easily? - I’ve got a strong startle response that probably makes it seem worse than it is32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? - 1 rabbit, a few fish, and two hermit crabs33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] - You asked on anon, mate34: What is a color that calms you? - Blue35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? - I’d like to live by the water or in London but will settle for a decent house here. I’d like to travel pretty much everywhere36: Where were you born? - SoCal (which is the best Cal)37: What is your eye color? - Blue38: Introvert or extrovert? - Introvert39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? - No but they’re interesting and entertaining concepts40: Hugs or kisses?- Hugs by default41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? - Taylor so I could ask her what the fuck. Or go down to Florida and see Cole and Kristen.42: Who is someone you love deeply? - My dad and my best friend43: Any piercings you want? - None at the moment44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? - I’d hope so given the state of my left forearm45: Do you smoke or have you ever done so? - No and I have no plans to.46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! - I’m crush free47: What is a sound you really hate? - High pitched electronic sounds or anything like nails on a chalkboard48: A sound you really love? - The sound of rain49: Can you do a backflip? - No50: Can you do the splits? - No51: Favorite actor and/or actress? - Gillian Anderson52: Favorite movie? - Alien or Silence of the Lambs53: How are you feeling right now? - Tired54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? - I like the current colour but if I had to change it, maybe blue?55: When did you feel happiest? - When I’m sleeping56: Something that calms you down? - the sound of rain57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] - Depression, anxiety, autism.58: What does your URL mean? - That I couldn’t come up with anything decent or fandom related that wasn’t already taken59: What three words describe you the most? - No idea. Tired is one of them. 

“Kinky, gay, entertaining” - @knitsweatersyo

60: Do you believe in evolution? - Yes61: What makes you unfollow a blog? - Bad content or reblogging those posts where Taylor is tagged 12000 times.62: What makes you follow a blog? - Quality content and them being on my dash or someone recommending them.63: Favorite kind of person: Anyone I click with really64: Favorite animal(s): Wolves65: Name three of your favorite blogs.- @knitsweatersyo​, @georgiastars​, @Taylor (Sorry Karlie!)66: Favorite emoticon:👀67: Favorite meme:Sometimes Things That Are Expensive Are Worse68: What is your MBTI personality type? - INTP69: What is your star sign? - Gemini70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?- I do not have a dog. (Though with the number of photos I get of Waldo....)71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? - Not sure I have a favourite72: Post a selfie or two? - check the My Face tag73: Do you have platform shoes? - No74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? - I’m not that interesting. I live in Sin City but I don’t drink, smoke, or gamble.75: Can you do a front flip? - No76: Do you like birds? - Kind of77: Do you like to swim? - I’m not particularly good at it but I live in the desert so a pool is always a good thing78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? - Swimming79: Something you wish didn’t exist: Our current political situation.80: Some thing you wish did exist: Me having the ability to function. Or a gift of $1 million.81: Piercings you have? - None82: Something you really enjoy doing: Writing.83: Favorite person to talk to: @knitsweatersyo​84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? - “I’m just going to join and casually lurk the fandom but I won’t get involved.”85: How many followers do you have? - 186786: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? - Probably not87: Do your socks always match? - Usually88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? - Haven’t tried in a while but it’s safe to assume no89: What are your birthstones? - Pearls and Alexandrite90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? - A wolf maybe?91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? - Not a big fan of flowers so idk. Maybe given where I live and how personable I am, some sort of cactus?92: A store you hate? - Record stores because they want to make me spend all my money93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? - 094: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? - Read minds, but I also feel like Flying is a healthier option for me95: Do you like to wear camo? - Not since I was 1296: Winter or summer? - Winter97: How long can you hold your breath for? - Not that long. 98: Least favorite person? - So many people.99: Someone you look up to: Taylor?100: A store you love? - Record stores101: Favorite type of shoes - Boots or Trainers102: Where do you live? - Middle of the fucking desert103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? - Nope104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? - Not really. Some of them look cool but that’s about it.105: Do you drink milk? - Yes.106: Do you like bugs? - Nope.107: Do you like spiders? - Fuck no.108: Something you get paranoid about? - I have anxiety.109: Can you draw: No110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? - There’ve been a few but I can’t think of any111: A question you hate being asked? - “have you considered going back to college?”112: Ever been bitten by a spider? - Once I think113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? - Yes114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? - Cloudy115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: - My future wife wherever the fuck she is.116: Favorite cloud type: - Cumulonimbus117: What color do you wish the sky was? - I’m pretty content with it being blue118: Do you have freckles?- a few here and there.119: Favorite thing about a person: I’m guessing personality isn’t a good answer here so I’ll go with their laugh.120: Fruits or vegetables? - Veggies!!121: Something you want to do right now: Sleep122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? - The sky usually but I MISS the ocean123: Sweet or sour foods? - Sweet124: Bright or dim lights? - Dim125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? - Nope126: Something you hate about Tumblr: It’s toxic culture127: Something you love about Tumblr: How easy it is to keep up with your interests128: What do you think about the least? - Obviously whatever I can’t think to list.129: What would you want written on your tombstone? - I don’t want a tombstone.130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? - So many republicans.131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? - My ability to write132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? - No133: Computer or TV? - Computer134: Do you like roller coasters? - Some of them135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? - I get motion sick in the right conditions136: Are your ears lobed or attached? - Lobed137: Do you believe in karma? - Yes138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? - Negative three139: What nicknames do you have/have had? - I don’t really have any?140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? - I was an only child in a neighborhood without kids at that age so likely141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? - Yep142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? - Neutral probably but maybe a bad influence? Idk.143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? - I suck at picking out gifts tbh144: What makes you angry - Our current political situation145: How many languages do you speak fluently? - 1, and not even coherently half the time146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? - Girls147: Are you androgynous? - Not quite but it might be close148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: My eyes149: Favorite thing about your personality: I’m not as annoying as I could be?150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. - Taylor so, again, I can ask her what the fuck. Ed Sheeran because he seems to suck at keeping secrets. Whoever the fuck has the lotto numbers.151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? - I’d much rather go forward.152: Do you like BuzzFeed? - It’s a good way to kill time.153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] - I’m single154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? - No. I’m not very touchy feely.155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? - I don’t invade personal space like that (and yet i love to have mine played with)156: What embarrasses you? - My dad telling childhood stories of me157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: Again, I have anxiety.158: Biggest lie you have ever told: I’m straight.159: How many people are you following? - 679160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? - 74628161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? - 0162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? - 142,878163: Last time you cried and why: - I cried from laughter the other night if that counts over a broom conversation. Other than that it was probably because my muse was being angsty.164: Do you have long or short hair? - Short165: Longest your hair has ever been: It used to be well past my shoulders166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? - I dislike organized religion but respect spirituality.167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? - Not in particular. It’s interesting to speculate about but there’s other shit I’d prefer science focus on.168: Do you like to wear makeup? - I don’t OWN makeup.169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? - Probably not170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? - Yep

[irenenorth]

New Post has been published on Irene North

New Post has been published on https://www.irenenorth.com/writings/2020/01/the-force-has-always-been-with-me/

The force has always been with me

About a week or so before my seventh birthday, my family climbed into my grandma’s gold station wagon. We were headed out to the Fair Oaks Drive-In to see this new movie everyone was talking about. It had opened on May 25, 1977, but this was the first time my mom could take us all.

The line was about a mile long. Cars pulled partway off the two-lane road so regular traffic could continue moving. We slowly inched our way up to the entrance. When we were the third car in line, I had climbed under Gram’s black and red banana blanket. The drive-in charged per person, not per car and I was the only one left in the family small enough to evade the fee.

Because the line was so long, we missed the first few minutes of Star Wars. We pulled into our spot and my mom set up the speaker. C-3PO and R2D2 had just landed on Tatooine.

My mom and grandma sat in the car. My sister, aunt, and my mom’s boyfriend’s kids sat in aluminum lawn chairs near the speaker. They goofed around a lot during the movie. I stretched out on the hood of the station wagon, my head resting against the windshield. That didn’t last long. I was little and it was hard to see. It’s something I’ve had to deal with most of my life at the theater as well.

I climbed up onto the roof of the car.

“You’re not funny,” Mom yelled. She leaned her head out the driver’s side window and looked up at me.

“Not trying to be,” I said. I settled down on the roof near the front of the car. I crossed my legs. My elbows rested on my legs, my hands upside down, supporting my head. I sat that way for the rest of the movie.

I don’t remember eating any popcorn, candy, or chocolate. I remember lightsabers and Wookiees and Imperial I-class Star Destroyers.

When the movie was over, we stayed to watch it again. The man who took our money at the gate said that since we got in late, we could stay. It was one of the best nights of my life.

A few weeks later, I saw a Star Wars watch with C-3PO and R2D2 on Tatooine. It was a shot from the movie of the first moment I saw Star Wars. I wanted the watch. It was expensive, but Mom said I could have it when I learned to tell time.

Three weeks later, I knew how. I didn’t just know that it was 4:10 p.m – I knew it was 10 minutes after four, it was 50 minutes before five, and that the military would say it was 16:10. I didn’t get the watch. I was disappointed until Christmas. It was one of the few things I got that year. I wore that watch for nearly a decade before it quit working.

I also sold the most Girl Scout cookies that year, more than 1,000 boxes. My prize was The Story of Star Wars LP and the soundtrack to the movie. I still have them tucked away with the album my elementary school band made and my Led Zeppelin albums.

Mom had also recently taught me how to do jigsaw puzzles. I was only a little kid, but I excelled at it. There’s a peaceful calm that comes over me whenever I do a jigsaw puzzle. I’m relaxed, focused, and determined. Five hundred piece puzzles were common for me to do when I was seven-years old.

Mom came home one day with a new challenge for me. It was my first 1,000-piece puzzle. The Kenner Star Wars jigsaw puzzle was absolutely glorious. It was based off of the Hilderbrandt poster. Luke and Leia stand ready for battle. A giant Darth Vader head looms in the background. The Death Star behind him. C-3PO and R2D2 were there, too.

The puzzle was a challenge for me, especially with the different shades of black throughout the picture. Mom had a large piece of wood I could rest across my legs to do the puzzle. When the borders were done, there was a little bit of space on each side to set pieces aside.

I worked diligently for hours to complete the puzzle. I worked mostly alone in Mom’s bedroom to finish it. Mom would often help me with puzzles when I got stuck, but she let me try this one alone, only occasionally stepping in to make suggestions.

Her room was the only place I could safely work to ensure the puzzle wouldn’t be damaged. Finishing it was a proud moment in my life. I finished one of the most difficult tasks of my life.

“The Empire Strikes Back” opened when I was nine. “Return of the Jedi” premiered when I was twelve. I saw both just after my tenth and thirteenth birthdays. That’s what happens when movies open in May: you have to go to school through June and your birthday is in July. You get to see movies when school is finished.

I didn’t have many of the toys from Star Wars. They weren’t cheap and we didn’t have a lot of money. I had Luke’s X-34 landspeeder, which, much to my chagrin, had tiny wheels underneath and did not float on air. My Darth Vader and Luke figures fought often. Darth Vader usually won. Luke lost his head in one of those battles. I glued it back on, but it came off again. My mom bought me a new Luke and told me to be more careful. Luke’s lightsaber got bent so he never won against Darth Vader.

I saved proofs of purchase from my figures so I could send away for Boba Fett, who was originally only available via mail with a certain number of proofs. He had a removable rocket. I got my Boba Fett, but I took too long in mailing in for him. Some dumbass kids supposedly swallowed the rocket so Boba Fett was recalled and remade with a non-removable rocket. I missed out on a piece of history because I was poor.

Unlike today, we all had to wait three years between Empire and Jedi. No one wanted to believe Darth Vader was really Luke’s father. We didn’t have a VCR. There was no streaming. We had to remember the movie from the theater and try to piece together what little information there was. I’m not sure if any of the movies played on television. Even if they did, you had to watch them when they aired. There were no DVRs.

I had a variety of figures from Star Wars. My Han Solo figure never lost a battle because he was a scoundrel who always shot first. I hated Chewbacca with the take-apart C3PO. It was a pain in the ass to keep track of the parts.

I eventually got an X-wing fighter. I beat the crap out of that thing as it fought with the giant GI Joe dolls I had. GI Joe always lost because GI Joe is dumb and Star Wars is cool.

I also had a soft spot for the bad guys. They had all the cool ships while the rebels had whatever piece of crap they could get flying. The exception was the Millennium Falcon. I swore when I grew up, I was going to build my house to look just like it. Unfortunately, that was a dream dashed by reality many years later. I still reserve the right to build a Millennium Falcon house when I win $100 million. No one will tell me no then.

After “Return of the Jedi” ran in theaters, I saved up enough money to buy a kit model of the speeder bike. It was super cool. I also made a model of C3PO. He was easy to build and I still have him today. The speeder bike took a lot of work.

Once I finished the speeder bike, I had planned to go to the kit shop and get some paint to finish it. Unfortunately, our landlady sold our house and the new landlord was an asshole. He came in, served us with an eviction notice and then purposely stepped on my speeder bike model and my model KITT car. I was crushed. We couldn’t afford to replace them, and we now had to move.

I thought about the movies often. I bought the VHS tapes. I bought the DVDs and the Blu-rays. I bought the special editions. I watched them all over and over.

The prequels premiered after I was married. Again, they had May premieres. The difference this time was both Paul and I wanted to see them, so we went in early June. I was 28, 31, and 34 years old when I saw them. I didn’t like Jar Jar Binks because I found him more racist than annoying. Hayden Christensen’s stilted acting was a bit of a distraction, but I gave it a pass. He was a new actor in a heady role and this was Star Wars.

They definitely weren’t the best movies and I didn’t ask for prequels, but I had long given up on sequels. The story line was okay. Yes, there are plot holes, but I never looked at Star Wars as high art. It was always escapism for me and was a time for little me to enjoy the glory of of space battles, light sabers and shit blowing up.

When the sequels finally came along, they had changed from what was written in the books. That was okay with me. Though I knew about them, I never had a desire to read the books or the comics that had come out over the years. I never got into the nitpicking that some fans did.

Many people hate the directors of the sequels. The only thing that bothered me enough to laugh and roll my eyes was Leia doing her Mary Poppins thing and flying back to the ship. Even seven-year-old me thinks that’s dumb. Others find it empowering.

I liked “Solo.” I liked “Rogue One.” I really enjoyed how the end of “Rogue One” ends a moment before Star Wars begins. Now that I have them on Blu-ray, the only delay is in the speed in which I can change discs.

On December 22, 2019, at 49 years of age, I sat in the back of the movie theater and watched “The Rise of Skywalker” with Paul. I didn’t cringe when Emperor Palpatine came back. I just went with the story. It found it intriguing that what remained of the Death Star from “Return of the Jedi” was now partially in the ocean on Kef Bir. I loved the light saber battle there.

I didn’t mind that footage of Leia that was cut from the previous movies was used. Carrie Fisher is dead. They did what they could with what they had and I think it was good enough. I’ve decided to stay away from the nitpickers and naysayers this time.

I can’t help but see Star Wars from the viewpoint of seven-year old me. She loves the movies. The plot holes that seem to be driving people crazy don’t matter to her.

There is always awe and wonder with a sprinkling of joy whenever I see these movies. They have been a huge part of my life. I have seen every one in a theater during their first run, including when the original trilogy was released in the 1990s.

There’s a fondness in my heart for these movies. The movies aren’t perfect. They never will be. They will never live up to everyone’s expectations. There is no way I will ever watch the opening of Star Wars, with the star destroyers slowly moving overhead, without a smile on my face. You can get a sense of the awe of the Death Star blowing up with an recording of people in the theater in 1977 thanks to modern technology.

The movies took me to a place a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away and showed me something wondrous and magical. Star Wars blew my mind. No one had ever seen anything like it. My seven-year-old eyes were witnessing the pinnacle of filmmaking. It was gritty and dirty and real.

I’ve been on this wild ride for forty-three years. It’s been a hell of a trip and I get to take that journey every time I turn my Blu-ray player on.

If you’re as old as I am, take your little self with you when you watch the movies. You’ll never be disappointed and you will find, the Force has always been with you.

[meringuebones]

011.

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? I’m fine with my height. 2: What’s your dream pet (real or not)? A mabari or a nug from Dragon Age.

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? Ninja-goth and street-goth are cool to look at. If I had a ton of money, that would be how I dress. But I don’t, so... I just wear plain black clothes. 4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Final Fantasy IX, Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, Crash Bandicoot trilogy, and Spyro the Dragon series. 5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: My husband, money, work. 6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? That I’ll sacrifice them to the almighty Dark Lord if they cross me. I don’t know. Whatever. 7: What is your Greek personality type (Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic)? Choleric. 8: Are you ticklish? Very much so. 9: Are you allergic to anything? Not that I can think of. I used to be allergic to bananas. 10: What’s your sexuality? Hetero. 11: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? Tea. 12: Are you a cat or dog person? I like both, but I’d go with dogs. 13: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Elf, like a dark elf from the Elder Scrolls series. 14: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? No, I don’t watch any specific YouTubers. 15: How tall are you? 5′2″. 16: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? I’m fine with my name. 17: How much do you weigh? Like 135 lbs. 18: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? Yeah, definitely. 19: Do you like space or the ocean more? The ocean.  20: Are you religious? Not really. I consider myself Agnostic. 21: Pet peeves? People who don’t use their blinkers while driving, people who are rude to cashiers, people who steal art/writing/whatever and claim it as theirs, when the weather says it’s going to rain and then it doesn’t, silverware scraping dishes, interrupting me when I’m talking, and many other things. 22: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal (opposite of nocturnal)? Diurnal. I like sleeping when it’s dark outside. 23: Favorite constellation? Osiris. 24: Favorite star? Altair, just because of the name. I don’t care for the star itself. 25: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? Uh... sure. They’re kind of neat, I guess. 26: Any phobias or fears? Roaches, the dark, the paranormal, mirrors and windows in the dark, someone I love dying tragically. 27: Do you think global warming is real? Definitely. 28: Do you believe in reincarnation? It’s interesting, but I’m not sure if I believe it or not. 29: Favorite movie? I can’t name just one. It’s way easier if I were to be asked, like... what my favorite comedy, horror, animated, etc. movie is. 30: Do you get scared easily? Yes! Not as much I used to get, but I still manage to get easily scared by little things. I torture myself by reading scary stories when I’m home alone. 31: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? Eight were officially ours—two fish, two rabbits, a guinea pig, a dog, and two cats. One cat is still alive and with my parents. Then there’s, like, a million feral cats around that neighborhood that love being around their house. 32: What is a color that calms you? Gray. 33: Where would you like to travel and/or live? I think I’m fine with where I live for now, but I’d like to travel to Iceland, Bolivia, Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Spain, Morocco, Egypt, Turkey, France, Romania, Ukraine, South Korea, Taiwan, and Japan. 34: Where were you born? Rome, Italy. 35: What is your eye color? Brown. 36: Introvert or extrovert? Introvert. 37: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? Not at all, but I do like reading the lists people come up with, like the zodiac signs as types of Pokémon or Greek gods or whatever. 38: Hugs or kisses? Hugs. 39: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? No one in mind. 40: Who is someone you love deeply? My husband. 41: Any piercings you want? Nah, I’m good. 42: Do you like tattoos and piercings? I do, but not on me. 43: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? I have smoked, but I don’t regularly smoke. 44: Talk about your crush, if you have one! Uh... I’ll talk about a celebrity crush. He’s an annoying, bald Swedish dude who’s an exceptionally talented guitarist and music producer. Extra emphasis on the word ‘annoying.’ 45: What is a sound you really hate? Silverware scraping dishes, the vacuum, the blender, really heavy footsteps, the sound of vomiting, pots and pans clanking together. 46: A sound you really love? Rain, thunder, ocean waves, fire crackling, strong wind. 47: Can you do a backflip? Maybe. If I want a trip to the hospital right after, sure. 48: Can you do the splits? I can do a front split, but not a side split. 49: Favorite actor and/or actress? I don’t really have any. I mean, I have some I like and find attractive, but I don’t pay too much attention to them. 50: Favorite book? ”Death: A Life”  by George Pendle. 51: How are you feeling right now? Tired. I also still feel blah from that ramen I ate earlier. 52: What color would you like your hair to be right now? I’m fine with its natural color. 53: When did you feel happiest? Mm, probably when I got married this past Monday. 54: Something that calms you down? Usually laying down is enough for me. 55: Have any mental disorders? General anxiety and ADHD. 56: What does your URL mean? Bones made out of meringue. 57: What three words describe you the most? Mischievous, tired, creative. 58: Do you believe in evolution? Yes. 59: What makes you unfollow a blog? They haven’t updated in forever, they start reblogging too much fandom discourse, or they say some stupid offensive bullshit (e.g. racism, classism, homophobia, etc.). 60: What makes you follow a blog? They mostly post what I like seeing on my dash. 61: Favorite kind of person: ... Someone nice. Which I figure is what most people would say is their favorite kind of person. 62: Favorite animal(s): Rabbits, hares, bears, bats. 63: Name three of your favorite blogs. Let’s not. 64: Favorite emoticon: The ghost or pile of poop. 65: Favorite meme: Any Kermit or DW reaction image. 66: What is your MBTI personality type? INFJ. 67: What is your star sign? Cancer. 68: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? My dog’s dead and she never obeyed commands. She was way too hyper. 69: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? Plain black zip-up hoodie, random t-shirt tucked into a black tennis skirt, black thigh-high stockings, a pair of black/white low-top Vans. 70: Post a selfie or two? No. 71: Do you have platform shoes? I have a couple pairs of wedges, if that counts. 72: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I can walk backwards like Regan from The Exorcist. Now... can I do it on stairs? Probably not without breaking my neck. 73: Can you do a front flip? I can on a trampoline. 74: Do you like birds? Sure, they’re alright. I think puffins are super cute. 75: Do you like to swim? I do. 76: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? I’ve never gone ice skating, but I feel like I’d still answer with swimming. 77: Something you wish didn’t exist: Donald Trump. 78: Some thing you wish did exist: Fifty large sacks of money right in front of me. 79: Piercings you have? None. 80: Something you really enjoy doing: Sleeping and daydreaming. 81: Favorite person to talk to: My husband. 82: What was your first impression of Tumblr? I don’t remember. That was back in like 2010. Obviously I must have liked it enough if I’m still here. 83: How many followers do you have? Negative five. 84: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? I’m not sure. I could back in high school when we ran timed miles, but I weigh a bit more, so... Hm. Maybe not. 85: Do your socks always match? When I actually bother to wear them, yes. I hate mismatched socks. 86: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? Ah, something I can do! Yes. 87: What are your birthstones? Ruby. I’m not sure if I have more than one... 88: If you were an animal, which one would you be? A shark, possibly. Or a hare. 89: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? Black velvet petunia. 90: A store you hate? I don’t care enough. 91: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? Like two. Not much. I prefer tea. 92: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? Fly. Reading minds would be shit with my anxiety. 93: Do you like to wear camo? Not really. 94: Winter or summer? Winter. 95: How long can you hold your breath for? I was bored and timed it right now. A minute and nine seconds. 96: Least favorite person? Any evil dictator. 97: Someone you look up to: My parents. [/cue ‘aww.’] 98: A store you love? Barnes and Noble. I can feel as if my wallet is mad at me every time I shop there. 99: Favorite type of shoes Vans. 100: Where do you live? The U.S. 101: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? No, because I don’t want to be. 102: What is your favorite mineral or gem? Sapphires, rubies, azurite. 103: Do you drink milk? Sometimes. 104: Do you like bugs? Not really. 105: Do you like spiders? I like some... like the plush black spider on my bed. 106: Something you get paranoid about? The paranormal. 107: Can you draw?: I can. I even went to school and made a career out of it. 108: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? Anything very sexual, like related to kinks, fetishes, or whatever. 109: A question you hate being asked? I hate when I���m tired and someone asks if I’m okay, and then when I say that I am they say some stupid shit like, “Are you sure? You don’t look okay.”  110: Ever been bitten by a spider? YES. I still have a big scar behind my knee from being bit by one a long time ago. 111: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? I do. 112: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Cloudy. 113: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: My husband. 114: Favorite cloud type: Google calls them cirrus clouds. 115: What color do you wish the sky was? Like naturally? Gray, all the time. Or maybe pastel purple all the time. 116: Do you have freckles? Nope. 117: Favorite thing about a person: I suppose the little traits and interests that make them wholly them. 118: Fruits or vegetables? Fruits.  119: Something you want to do right now: Take a shower. 120: Is the ocean or sky prettier? The ocean. 121: Sweet or sour foods? Sweet. 122: Bright or dim lights? Dim lights. 123: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? Kind of. I mean, there are parts of the Earth we’ve yet to explore, and we’re constantly finding new species every single year. Who’s to say something ‘magical’ doesn’t exist and it really isn’t magical? 124: Something you hate about Tumblr: Hive-mind mentality, especially when it comes down to someone being called out. 125: Something you love about Tumblr: There are so many things to pull inspiration from as an artist. Also the roleplay community is pretty sweet, depending on what fandom you join. 126: What do you think about the least? I’m not sure. 127: What would you want written on your tombstone? A curse of some sorts. 128: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? Why would I want to hurt my hand? Pass. 129: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? Hm... Maybe how much I care about certain people/things. 130: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? Rarely. 131: Computer or TV? Computer. 132: Do you like roller coasters? They’re alright. 133: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? I used to when I was a little kid, but not anymore. 134: Are your ears free or attached? They’re free, but barely. 135: Do you believe in karma? I’m not a buddhist, so no. 136: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? Maybe a 7. 137: What nicknames do you have/have had? I have too many. We’d be here all night. 138: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? I never did. 139: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? Not repeatedly. I saw one a couple times so they could diagnose me and give me meds that I don’t take, but that’s it. 140: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Mostly good, I think. 141: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Giving help, mainly because I hate the idea of receiving it in any way. I don’t like admitting I need help. As for gifts, I like both giving and receiving about equally. 142: What makes you angry?: A lot of things. 143: How many languages do you speak fluently? Honestly, one. Kind of sad. I can’t speak my native language fluently anymore. 144: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? Boys. 145: Are you androgynous? No, I don’t think so. 146: Favorite physical thing about yourself: My hair and ass. 147: Favorite thing about your personality: My creativity. 148: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. I don’t want to. 149: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? I wouldn’t. I’m fine reading about them. I don’t need to experience their pains. 150: Do you like BuzzFeed? I don’t really have an opinion about them. 151: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? Short story, mutual friends. I’m too lazy to type out the long story. 152: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? Not really. I give a lot of nose and head kisses though. [EDIT] Okay, so earlier whenI took this survey my eyes just seemed to skip over the word ‘platonic.’ I don’t give platonic kisses. 153: Do you like to play with others’ hair? Nope. 154: What embarrasses you? Remembering embarrassing things I did like ten years ago and curling up into a ball. It’s an endless cycle. 155: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: Being out in public. 156: Biggest lie you have ever told: No idea. Maybe that I liked someone. Or that I was working on a project when I wasn’t. 157: How many people are you following? On my personal Tumblr, 956. I can’t follow anyone from this particular blog because it’s just a sideblog. 158: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? I’m not going into my roleplay accounts because I don’t feel like signing in/out, so I’ll just do my main and sideblogs. Main (cyberpunk + fandoms) is 6,073. Cute sideblog is 2,194. Nature sideblog is 1,615. Reference sideblog is 212. Brown/tan aesthetic sideblog is 322. Then there’s two sideblogs I don’t know the aesthetic of, but one has 230 posts while the other has 110. 159: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? I don’t feel like looking anymore. 160: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? 331 on my main. 161: Last time you cried and why: I don’t remember. 162: Do you have long or short hair? Very long hair. 163: Longest your hair has ever been: It’s currently the longest it’s been, and it’s about an inch above the base of my back. 164: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion? In short, because I don’t care. 165: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? Not really. I mean, I think it’s interesting to read about, but I don’t care when it relates to religion. 166: Do you like to wear makeup? Sometimes. 167: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? Probably not anymore. 168: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? I did.