#i hate how much of my life has been ruined by this and my failings as a person and the nhs being not much better

[stargazingpsychotic]

Sorry, a very bad rant/personal discussion on partly my distrust of mh services, but also a failing that I have as a psychotic person I suppose

A few years ago I had a very unfortunate conversation with a friend of mine. I was in a bad situation and been pushed around loads of different people in mental health services, lots of sleepless nights at a&e, a few visits to wards or places with unreasonable conditions (was either unable to sleep because that wasn't it's purpose despite being there 10 days, or so cold that no one could sleep with a tiny sheet as bedding to cover us in the coldest of winter).

One of these times I was under section, I had tried to kill myself, not because of some delusion or impulsive action because of voices or whatever had been the reason before, but because I felt it all coming back into psychosis. I decided I'd rather leave then than let myself spiral and have to go through it all again.

Because when I have had attempts in the past before that often it felt out of my control, and like I wasn't going to die, I was just going to leave my body. I wasn't scared of doing that most of the time, and any time I was I'd contact someone who'd help me get to where I needed to go.

I was sent home from that hospital being told they knew I'd hurt myself but they didn't have a reason to keep me there (I was happy with this because I'd at least be warmer). But, as I had tried to get across, I did end up in an episode again.

At some point during this I was, for a short time, scared. I knew I was going to do something, I knew I could justify it as me not dying but escaping, I knew it would hurt but it wouldn't result in my existence ceasing, and I'd be happier for it. But I was scared for a bit, enough to go out and get to the hospital and do my best to explain what was happening, how I was scared, but it doesn't last. Knowing I would do it when I got home from there. And that day really ruined any hope I had.

First they kept me in over night, which was fine, but I did get a bit agitated since I started thinking this was pointless and they were going to trick me or trap me, not without the person I spoke to telling me I'd be a bad friend for doing it. The next morning I see someone else, never seen her before, but she comes in and starts talking. I have to repeat what I said, but differently, this time less fear and more matter of fact. This is going to happen because I have to, and I will be fine. Nothing bad will ultimately happen, I will just move on. And it all resulted in her saying 'just don't do it'. And, sure. I might, if I'm being generous, see how maybe that could slightly help. But this isn't a choice for me. I have to do this. It isn't the first time either, so it isn't like a whole new thing for me.

I'm sent home. I take so many pills it should have done a reasonable amount of damage even if it didn't kill me.

About a week later my friends get in touch and I mention about what happened the week before. I didn't want to bother them because that would mean I was a bad friend for getting them involved. But I wasn't going to lie.

Someone comes over and talks and we go back to the hospital and end up seeing the same person who I saw in the evening a week before. She really went all in on the bad friend thing, as well as explaining how I was going to die in the next couple weeks in a lot of detail and using someone who did die as an example of how I would admit how big a mistake it was and I'd be begging to live. That has never sat well with me. Well I was sent home and that was that.

The conversation I mentioned at the beginning was essentially how I have just had to accept that I might die one day, by my own hands, and not necessarily because I know I'm going to die but because I know I won't die but move on. It won't kill me, just give me the chance to move on. I wanted to kill myself before the episode I felt coming on because at least I would know I would die and it would be easier to understand than me saying confidently that I'm not going to die if I do whatever it is that would kill me.

It's been over 4 years since then. I've had at least 3 (maybe 5) episodes like this since. None have been taken with the seriousness I need to think I could trust the mental health services when it is like this.

One of them I was told I'm not worth helping. Two went on without much involvement because I couldn't even tell anyone and I'm lucky I could claim some other illness during that time because I did not want to waste my time with them. Another it was all apparently because I'm trans (which was what they believed after I, again, did my best to explain the situation).

These last few months have been the same. I wrote it all out. I explained the past. I explained how I act during it and how I really don't want to end up there again, so doing anything to try and prevent it would really help.

Of course I wasn't taken seriously. The doctor decided, over and over, that I can just not think whatever I think. He could say that I can get over it and not end up there.

I'm not faultless here. I went off my meds, and then a few months later, realising this was a mistake, I tried to say I should go back on them, and he said no. I made it difficult because everything I was asked always came back to 'i can't work with you because it would trap me and I have to go home (not earth)'. I made mistakes, ones which might have been prevented if I wasn't put on meds that didn't help at all, but still down to me.

I also realised, early in the year, or last year, my body is dead, this happened 4 years ago, when I had that really bad attempt and experience with them. It's being kept alive by something else, when I'm asleep they are able to reset some control over me and that's why sleeping is bad for me. My flesh is rotting away and I can see that and people are being weird by not mentioning it ever. So I'm not trying to kill my body, instead exhaust the person or people keeping it going by harming it over a long period of time.

I did explain this to them, I really tried, I was scared because I know how awful I feel withholding water and sleep and anything else which should help me. I spent ages trying to fight this, living with a contradiction of having to leave but needing help.

Unfortunately, months of it not being treated, and the most advice being 'don't do that', I have ended up mostly believing this. And I know what happens next. Because I keep having visions, I know how this ends. Either in my being trapped here forever, or leaving by causing enough harm.

On top of that I have to deal with angels being sent to watch and interfere. My family being swapped out constantly, so much that whatever they have become, all they want is for me to die. The world is controlled by It, so no one can be trusted, not really. And I have to appear like nothing is going on (I'm really bad at this).

I feel abandoned. All the talk of how suicide prevention matters, but when I try my best to get out of this, knowing I need to work with others, when I can work with them they refuse, and when it gets into the worst of it, well there's still no support, at least most the time nothing changes.

The cycle will continue until either it just stops and never happens again because of whatever, or I die. And I die not believing I'm going to die but believing I will move on, far off into the universe, going home, where I can finally feel safe for once.

And then there's the contact numbers. So I have to phone people as a way of asking for support, the problem is this is either things like mindline or Samaritans (we know they can't help, especially for psychosis, years ago friends tried with me and yeah, it isn't something I can be talked out of), or the mental health services themselves, which haven't ever come to anything helpful. It doesn't help I struggle with phonecalls and talking in general, especially about myself.

What bothers me more is none of this touches on the dissociation and lost time, on the anxiety and fears I have which get in the way, nor my lacking in various things people are generally expected to do without support.

It's frustrating. And part of it is I don't know what can help me because I don't have any experience in that and I don't know what options there are when the doctor says no to meds and therapy is dependent on nothing leading me to 'i have to go home' - which, when someone talks about any random thing can do this and my reaction usually results in some degree of harm coming to me, either slight or an attempt on my life, then it doesn't feel safe going in without meds to at least calm this down.

I'm fed up. I'm tired. I know where things are going because I have to change doctor and this won't be quick either. But since this current one has decided I can just get over it, despite my past and everything I have told him, I cannot risk another appointment when he doesn't have my best interests there at all.

I have to go home and this could easily happen while under the impression I will not die, and that terrifies me that I have to accept that because there's no support for me in this situation.

Maybe it's what I deserve for getting stuck in this world in the first place.

[wwooyology]

idol jungwon wherein he's recording a song with explicit meaning, and her non-showbiz gf decided to spice the song up by including actual sounds of sex

「notes」 : I may or may not have gone a little crazy with this, hehe... but pervy, rough jungwon will forever be my favorite agenda 🙈

Countermelody | Y.JW

「paring」 : idol!bf!jungwon x non-idol!fem!reader 「word count」 : 2.4k

「synopsis」 : your boyfriend has been holed up in the studio for almost two weeks trying to meet his deadline, but no matter what he did he just couldn't find the missing piece. however, when you finally convince him to let you listen to it you realize that not only was it a song about the two of you but also a very sensual and sexy song. partially joking you suggested that you could add the sounds of sex to make it more realistic, but boy did your boyfriend take an instant liking to that idea.

「genre」 : smut

「warning」 : make-out sessions, unprotected sex (NO!), cursing, petnames (baby, bunny...), teasing, clit play, marking/biting, won is a bit pervy, dom!jungwon x sub!reader, public(ish) sex, rough sex, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, squirting, slight bulge kink, praise, slight manhandling, lmk if I missed anything!!

You had planned to bring your sweet, hard-working boyfriend some homemade lunch seeing as he’s been holed up in that production room for days. The lack of sleep is very evident in his features. Jungwon had been busting his ass trying to meet the deadline for his new single, but no matter what he did he felt like something was missing. A key factor that would tie the whole thing together but for the life of him he couldn’t figure out what it was. You were willing to help, but he refused to let you listen to the song, saying it was a ‘surprise’ and that he wanted to wait until it was finished for you to hear it. But you were going to make him let you help because you couldn’t bear to see him in this state for much longer. Not just for his sake but for your own as well. You see, during this whole time Jungwon was so absorbed in trying to produce this song that he had completely forgotten about you. 

Sure you would see him for that short amount of time that he was in your shared apartment and he did nothing but love you. You love it, god you loved it, but you wanted more than just his innocent kisses and touches. You needed, no craved him so badly and you weren’t sure how much more you could take before you finally burst.

So here you stood behind your boyfriend, your thumbs pressing firmly down on his shoulders trying to undo the knots that had formed due to him working so much. Jungwon just leaned into your touch savoring the feeling of your warm skin against his. He had missed you so much that it was starting to physically hurt, but he needed to get this song finished. The deadline was fast approaching and he was starting to grow more and more anxious the closer it got, worried that he would fail. His eyes stared at the desktop screen in front of him, racking his brain for what that missing piece could be. So lost in his head that he completely missed his name falling from your lips.

“Jungwon.” You spoke a bit louder, snapping him right out of whatever trance he was stuck in. He tilted his head back looking up at you sheepishly, a small awkward smile tugging on his lips as he apologized. “Why don’t you let me help you?” You pouted softly and he just closed his eyes with a sigh.

He really did want it to be a surprise because he made this song with you in mind, but he knew that you would continue to bother him until he let you help. He knew you meant well, but he just hated the idea of it being ruined. 

“It’s supposed to be a surprise baby,” He whined before sitting up in the roller chair, pulling himself out of your grip.

“Won, I’m almost one hundred percent sure I’ll love it finished or not,” You reassured him and you walked around the chair, “and,” You easily climbed into his lap, straddling his legs and his hands instantly went to your hips, “maybe I can help find what it is that missing, ya?”

Jungwon looked at you with such a soft gaze that you were sure that you would turn into putty in his lap. However, the smirk that tugged on his lips as his eyes became dark made heat pool in your gut. He nodded his head with a quick ‘okay’ and before you could even question it he wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling your body flush against his and rolling forward so he could reach for the mouse. You looked over your shoulder, watching as he went to the audio file before unplugging the headphones he had been wearing. When he hit play a smooth sensual tune pooled out of the speakers and as soon as his voice came through you could feel your body grow warmer.

The words and beat seemed innocent on the outside, but as you really listened to his words you knew what the true meaning was. The song is about begging a woman who was referred to as ‘Bunny’ to let him love her right. How he would treat her right and fuck her in all the right ways. That she should just forget about her lousy ex and choose him. That’s when it dawned on you that he was talking about you. Everything fits you, the nickname that only Jungwon ever gave you. The lyrics match all of the details about your relationship to a tee. 

Finally taking your eyes off of the screen you looked over meeting your boyfriend’s hooded eyes. You bit your lip as you wrapped your arms around his neck, playing with the hairs on the nape of his neck. The man in front of you wasn’t the sweet, innocent man that everyone believed him to be, no the man in front of you was a downright dirty pervert. He would take any chance he could get to have you whenever, wherever, no matter the situation. The need to have his dick buried so deep inside of your warm cunt overshadowed any other thoughts.

Which is why this song didn’t surprise you a single bit. It was no wonder that he wanted it to be a surprise, he’d probably show it to you while he was dicking you down in the bedroom.

That’s when a lightbulb went off in your brain, finding the perfect solution for what it was that was missing. You leaned more against Jungwon’s body, the space between you now nonexistent. Jungwon’s grip on your waist loosened until his hands trailed down to grip your ass through the very short shorts you were wearing.

“Whatcha think?” His voice was low but you still heard him loud and clear over the music that was blaring through the speakers. His hands knead the flesh of your ass almost like a cat. Whether it was the feeling of his skin on yours or the fact that you haven’t had sex in a while but you were already dripping in your panties. You hummed before leaning close enough to ghost your lips over his.

“I love it. It’s so… us.” You teased him and Jungwon just smirked, “But I think I know what it’s missing.”

He hummed against your lips, “And what’s that bunny?” 

You rolled your hips against his easily feeling the growing bulge in his pants, “what don’t we add the real deal, make it more realistic…” 

It didn’t take a genius to figure out what you meant, but boy did it turn Jungwon on to unimaginable levels. In seconds his lips were on yours, kissing you with such fever it almost took the air right out of your lungs. You ran your fingers through his hair, tugging softly eliciting a groan from his throat.

“Fuck baby you’re so hot.” He groaned against your lips before pulling away, chuckling when you chased after his lips. You didn’t spare a second before latching your lips to his neck, sucking and biting on the skin. Jungwon was sure that you’d leave marks, he didn’t mind though it was always a pain in the ass to explain to the make-up artist. “Are you sure about this bunny?” He didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, nor did he want to force you if you had just been joking. But as you ground your hips against him with an impatient whimper he knew you were too far gone to really say no. So he clicked a few buttons on the screen, his lips between his teeth trying to focus while your lips worked on marking his pretty skin.

As soon as he had the recorder going he grabbed the back of your thighs, hoisting you up until he was on his feet. A gasp fell from your lips and your grip tightened on his neck. He was quick to muffle it with his own lips, kissing you like it was his last day on earth. 

“Wonnie…” You whined out as his lips trailed from your lip to your jaw before finding purchase on your neck. He left open-mouth kisses along your skin before sucking a dark purple mark right along your jugular. 

He sat you down on the desk right next to the microphone, wanting to catch all of the little noises you made. He pulled away from you just long enough to tear his shirt off of his body before practically ripping yours off. 

“I need that Won-” Jungwon quickly silenced you with another heated kiss promising you his hoodie after, which you were going to keep him accountable to. His hands then wandered from your hips to the band of your shorts.

Jungwon’s mind kept wandering back to the fact that he was recording this and it made him so fucking hard thinking about how every time he was going to listen to this song he’d only hear the pretty sounds of your moans in the background. 

He slipped his hand past your waistband and underwear wasting no time in cupping your heat, your slick already pooling in his palm. You were so fucking wet that he was sure that he could slide right in with little resistance.

“Fuck you’re so wet baby, you’re literally dripping on my hand.” You mewled at his dirty words, your brain turning to mush as he finds your clit easily. Your head falls back with a loud moan, not caring if bypassers can hear.

Jungwon watched in amusement as you so quickly were coming undone thanks to just his simple touches. A smirk crept onto his lips when you whined out as he removed his hand from your pussy. However, he grabbed your hips pulling you closer to the edge of the desk before telling you to lay back. If you weren’t so desperate to feel him so deep in you that you see stars then you would be embarrassed with how quick you heeded his words. Goosebumps littered your skin as it made contact with the cool surface. Jungwon made quick work of your shorts and panties, throwing them off to the side somewhere.

His cock twitched in his pants when he caught sight of your drenched hole, mouth watering as the lights gleamed off of your slick. But he wouldn’t last another minute without being inside you.

He pulled the strings of his sweats loose before shoving them down his leg along with his boxers, his cock springing free, the tip red and angry just waiting to be buried in your pussy. You whined out his name when he took the tip and started to tease your clit, “Such a filthy girl, letting me record your pretty whimpers.” He chuckled as he watched your brows furrow as you impatiently waited for him to fuck you. “Imagine how amazing you'd sound when I'm fucking you senseless.” You didn’t get a chance to utter a word before he pushed into you, bottoming out in one go.

You cried out at the sudden intrusion, nails digging into the skin of Jungwon’s forearm. Stars started to cloud your vision when he started to trust into you.

“Fuck I missed this pussy so much bunny.” He groaned against your ear as he bent down, pressing his body against yours. It’s far too long since he was able to last fuck you senseless and god he wasn’t going to do it again.

“Wonnie, it feels- fuck, it feels so good.” You moaned right next to his ear causing him to chuckle, but the sound quickly got caught in his throat when you clenched around him.

“You're so tight 'nd warm around me. Could die being in this pussy.” He groans as his pace turns animalistic, the sweet moans and whimpers leaving your lips only prompting him to go harder. 

“Won- fuck Wonnie, ‘m close,” You choked when the tip of his cock hit your sweet spot before kissing your cervix, the combo nearly making you black out, silent moans falling from your swollen lips.

“Look how pretty you are, taking all of me.” Jungwon cooed as he moved one of his hands to press down on your lower stomach feeling himself move in and out of you. Your back arched against him at the sensation, the knot in your stomach tightening to unimaginable levels. He knew you were close with how hard you were squeezing him, so he moved his hand away from your stomach. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as his thumb circled sharp circles on your little bundle of nerves.

“Jungwon!” You quite literally screamed as you felt your climax wash over you causing your body to jerk violently, but your boyfriend didn’t slow his movements. No, in fact, he sped up even more chasing his own him, throwing your body into overstimulation.

Tears pricked at the corner of your eyes as your first orgasm slowed allowing you to feel the sensitivity of your boyfriend's dick hitting all the right places. The only thing leaving your lips were babbles and Jungwon’s name as he continued to pound into you. God it was the hottest thing he had ever seen and he was sure he’d bust right then and there.

Jungwon could tell that another orgasm was on the tip of your tongue with how your body convulsed under him and how your pussy clenched around him so hard. His thumb found your clit once more causing a loud cry to fall from your lips as you tried to get away from your boyfriend’s hands, but his grip was far too strong.

You couldn’t even give him a warning when you squirted all over his cock, your release coating both of your thighs. Jungwon groaned at the sight as he tipped over the edge spilling deep into your warm cunt. His movements slowed allowing the both of you to ride out your highs until he came to a complete stop.

He placed soft, gentle kisses along your collarbone and chest as you regained your breathing and mind. “You fucking squirted bunny.” Jungwon groaned but you were quick to cover your face in embarrassment, “Don’t be embarrassed baby, it was so fucking hot.” He pulled your hands away from your pace before kissing you deeply, you moaned against his lips as you felt his dick twitch inside of you, “God I need you to do it again.” He bit your bottom lip as he felt his cock grow hard once more. It was safe to say that he had plenty of audio to work with after you were done.

@wwooyology | Do not steal, plagiarise, translate, or repost any of my work

𝖉𝖎𝖘𝖈𝖑𝖆𝖎𝖒𝖊𝖗 : ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ɴᴏ ᴡᴀʏ ᴀ ᴛʀᴜᴇ ʀᴇᴘʀᴇꜱᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏꜰ ᴀɴʏ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀꜱ. ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ᴘᴜʀᴇʟʏ ꜰɪᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ᴀɴᴅ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ɴᴏᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴛᴀᴋᴇɴ ꜱᴇʀɪᴏᴜꜱʟʏ.

[kawaiijohn]

Help a queer family of disabled nerds

Hey my name is Dante, I live in the Midwest with three of my best friends. We have four cats, one of which is my babyman whom I love very dearly.

His name is Latke Library Card Mango (LLCM). He's very orange and he's the light of my boyfriend, Kris, and I's life.

Cat pics are great right? Have a few.

A few months ago, latkes chronic bladder stones condition acted up which resulted in two emergency vet visits and a week long stay with his actual vet to get the stone removed.

It was the size of a chickpea.

Here's a photo of his post surgery when he had a nakie tummy. He was very very happy to see us.

He's since recovered, but the cost of this put us back around 1300 dollars in total. He's now on a special diet with rather pricey food to prevent this from happening but it might still act up eventually.

We've paid down some of his debt, but the interest is making it become more and more as we try to pay it down.

On top of this, our pipes backed up into our basement and refused to work suddenly a few weeks ago. We live in a house that is over a century old, and the clay pipes keep getting roots growing into them that causes them to not drain.

The roto had to come out and high pressure the roots out to clear them (which required expensive equipment), This put us back another grand.

To add to everything, our 700+ auto insurance bill is due in November, which is the worst time for this bill to need due, but both myself and Kris drive over ten miles to work during different shifts on opposite ends of town- neither of our jobs have public transit anywhere near them.

We are currently barely making ends meet-

I am a lunch lady at a public high school. I love my job. I feed kids who possibly don't even eat at home some days. I do work I am proud of.

However, I can only work around 25 hours a week without risking losing my insurance as a disabled person. My job does not have longer hour positions available, and I am too disabled to work more than this without ruining my body like I have done in the past.

I have been going without buying groceries out of fear that what little money I have in my account will be needed in an emergency. I will be out of work for a week this month, around Thanksgiving, and during Xmas break- unpaid due to me working in a school. Me being out also means no guaranteed meal every day.

Kris works in a factory. He is currently working 55+ hours a week to make what we can to pay off the bills and keep our house. He only has one and a half knees that hurt all the damn time and is barely eating either just to afford everything. His factory keeps calling for sudden shutdown weeks with little notice at the worst times, and he's the main breadwinner in the house for us.

The other two in our household, one is severely disabled and can barely work 10 hr/week (he is waiting on hearing back to receive SSI) on top of having multiple medical appointments a week to figure out what is wrong with his body and why it keeps failing. The other is a freelance artist who is working her butt off to make money while carting the previous to appointments nearly every day. She is full up on commissions at the moment, but when she opens them I'll reblog her posts.

I really didn't want to make this post. I hate asking for help. But we are drowning and there's no sign of land. None of us can afford to live on our own, nor can we move back in with our parents for various reasons.

All I'm asking for is some help. I don't care how much. Five dollars is five dollars. Five dollars is half an hour less we have to kill ourselves to make ends meet.

Even if we don't make the full amount, every dollar will help us get a bit closer to paying this stuff down so we can afford gas and regular grocery trips again instead of having to save up to go once a month like we are currently doing.

Our goal is 2000 dollars.

Yes, this is the high amount. I do not believe we will ever reach it. I can hope we can raise this much at some point.

But for now that's the dream number.

It's the number that is looming over our heads, telling us to pay up or lose our home.

It's not something we need this very moment, but just what we need in the next few months to be able to afford living without destroying our body or working three jobs/ridiculous hours.

We thank anyone who can spare a few bucks to help us, and if you can't afford it just pass this post along to someone who might be able to.

Please send as friend/family if you can, PayPal is threatening to withhold money sent as transactions now if you receive over a certain amount.

This includes sending things through my ko-fi account- so here's the preferred methods:

Progress:

388.74/2,000

Thank you for reading. I love you.

[mitfloya]

𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐃𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐒𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬: 𝐑𝐚𝐟𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐥

pairings. Rafayel x gn!reader

wc. 6.8K

synopsis. He believes that by isolating you, he can protect you from the outside world and ensure your happiness together. In his twisted mind, this is his way of creating a perfect and eternal bond, you’re his muse, his statue of beauty, his own aphrodite.

warnings. The following content contains elements of obsessive behavior, yandere thoughts, stalking, possessive behavior, and may include poorly written narratives. Reader is referred to as 'you'. Proceed with caution, as this writing may be unsettling or uncomfortable for some individuals.

a/n. Hiyaaa! Thank you so much for the people that have helped me make my post manage to slip through the timeline! I kid you not I had to break my spine with this issues I kept running into (the ori yandere Zayne post is gone, I’m sorry for the inconvenience), if any of you have any suggestions on how to make my post made it into the tags please tell them on the comments section. Get ready and have some snacks and hope you enjoy reading another hc I made

♡ Please reblog and comment on this post are much, much appreciated ♡

A manchild…? you love this guy? Me being a slander and simp at the same time

To put it simply, Rafayel is always the damsel in distress and YOU are his knight shining armor. He needs your attention and protection 24/7, you don’t want him to end up dead, do you? The whole universe will miss him. 

First of all, he loves you. Second of all, he hates you. 

You’re like a goldfish, how could you not remember the vows you both made when you were just a little kid?! The mere fact that you failed to recognize his face shattered his heart into pieces, for you hold immense significance in his life.

The weight of your indifference crashed upon him like a tidal wave, leaving his emotions in ruins. It was like a tornado tearing through his soul, causing a gut-wrenching ache that seemed to consume him from within.

It creates a twisted cycle of emotions that he struggles to contain. He yearns for the love you once shared, yet despises you for not remembering the bond you had. 

Perhaps he regrets not taking action in the past to ensure he could always locate you, to have left a distinctive mark upon you as a means of tracking your whereabouts.

You should’ve recognized him at first glance. Where have you been? He thought he lost you, he doesn’t even want to wish upon your death but you make it harder for him not to.

You’ve grown so much and so many changes but you’re still the same person he met at the beach, and it makes him feels so many emotions at once, it’s the first time he has managed to put a rein over his emotions, he could’ve coax you to come to his studio and locked you up, if you were to recognize him.

His heart longed to show much he misses you yet his mind tells him to seek revenge. It’s like his body and soul is splitting. Do you know how much damage you are causing him?

You must understand, my dear, that he is determined not to repeat past mistakes. It is time for him to take drastic measures, to make a promise that will bind you to him forever. He sees you as his ultimate protector, his unwavering shield. From this moment forward, you will never leave his sight again.

In his eyes, you have always belonged to each other, from the very beginning. Your destinies intertwined, your fates entangled. He craves the security of knowing that you are by his side, guarding his every step, his every breath. No longer will he allow even the smallest sliver of distance to separate you.

From the beginning you are his as much as he is yours.

His artistic talent is both his greatest strength and his greatest weapon. Through his art, he immortalizes his love and hatred for you, capturing the complexities of his emotions with every stroke of the brush. His creations serve as a constant reminder of his twisted desires. 

Initially consumed by hatred, he concealed his love, allowing it to resurface gradually, in subtle and tender ways. 

It’s the slowest burn you could ever imagine. Painstakingly slow.

As Rafayel's hatred gradually diminished, he began to express his feelings more openly, albeit subtly, leaving significant hints about the depth of his emotions towards you. Similar to a small forest fire that grows steadily, each progression was deliberate and methodical until it consumed the entire forest, an uncontrollable blaze that can’t be extuingish.

Say goodbye to freedom and welcome to his world, now that you’re his. He will be the center of your universe.

Clinginess is an inherent trait of Rafayel's nature. He craves your presence and attention, unable to bear the thought of being separated from you even for a moment. He will go to great lengths to ensure that you never leave his side.

You've grown accustomed to his playful nature and constant need for attention, but be prepared for an amplified version, as his demands intensify. Good luck dealing with your man ♡

He is a man of pride, he immortalizes you through his art, proudly showcasing pieces dedicated to you at his exhibitions. While abstract in form, this exclusivity serves to intrigue others, leaving them pondering what makes you so special in his eyes.

Unknown to you hidden away within his personal stash, there is a gallery dedicated solely to you. Every piece of artwork revolves around your existence, capturing his obsession with meticulous detail. The walls are adorned with portraits, each stroke of the brush reflecting his twisted love for you.

But at the very least, he showers you with lots of love and affection, no more holding back.

In relationships, he presents himself as a calm and romantic partner, radiating an aura of serenity akin to the sea. He enjoys spending quality time with you, whether it be casual outings or simply sharing space in silence. With him, you will never feel alone.

But do not be deceived by the calm waters, for they possess the ability to draw you into the depths of darkness, leaving you submerged and unable to resurface. His obsession remains unpredictable, much like the ever-changing tides of the sea. 

Oh, how you've stumbled into his clutches the moment you made that fateful vow. There is no turning back, my dear. You have fallen into the siren's trap, lured by his haunting charm. You are now forever entwined in his grasp, unable to break free. You should have thought twice before crossing paths with him if you weren't planning to stay.

He has two preferred methods of dealing with nuisances. He may choose to be smug and show off his superiority, rubbing his success in their faces. He revels in flaunting his success and talents, using them as a means to intimidate and belittle those who dare to steal you away.

However, if they persist, he is unafraid to resort to physical means, utilizing violence to eliminate them from your life. He goes to extreme lengths, even shedding blood and concealing the evidence of his actions, all in the name of safeguarding your well-being and maintaining his possessive hold over you.

His possessiveness knows no bounds, his desire to claim you as his own overpowering any sense of reason. He will go to great lengths to ensure that no one else can possess you, viewing you as his ultimate masterpiece.

When faced with difficulty or resistance from you, Rafayel won't hesitate to take drastic measures. He is willing to use any means necessary, including drugs, to put you to sleep and kidnap you. He will isolate you in his studio, ensuring that you will be together forever.

His studio, the place where he creates his art, becomes both a sanctuary and prison for you. Within its walls, he controls every aspect of your existence, dictating your every move and stifling your individuality. It is a place where his obsession can flourish unchecked.

You will forever remain under his possession, as he claims you and binds you eternally.

© 2024 mitfloya — all rights reserved. kindly refrain from altering, translating, or repost my works on any platform without my consent, do not claim my content as yours.

[yutasbellybuttonpiercing]

#1 – I hate you

kinktober 2024 — #1

pairing: park wonbin x reader

au/genre: pure filthy smut without much plot, college!au, non-idol!au, popular!wonbin

word count: 1525 words

warnings: lying to your only friend Anton 😔, hate fuck (everyone just has a big fat ego problem), backshots, hair pulling, choking, reader is addressed as a girl, finger sucking (???), manhandling, slight overstimulation, a shimmer of fluffy feelings (but they do not get vocalized, not really), nicknames of both praising and degrading nature, dirty talk, unprotected sex (DON’T YOU DARE!), a tiny bit of cum play…?

a/n: kinktober day one yippie! this gem has been sitting in my files since forever… I was thinking about making this longer, but I kinda like it like this! enjoy! <3

taglist: @rjreins @meowniee @deezbin @ant-onie @ablackbtsstan @gacktsa

College parties. Some love them, some hate them. For you, it's all about who's attending – or rather: if he's attending.

Park Wonbin. God, even thinking of his name makes your blood boil. He is a player, basically, and he's absolutely full of himself, or so you’re convinced. He thinks he's better than everyone else, prettier and more popular… which he is. He's always surrounded by a group of people telling him just how great he is, and he always sports that smug smirk that makes you want to dart over and shove him face first into a sewer. He’s just so hot…

“Why are you staring at Wonbin?” Anton asks casually, as if he hasn’t just dropped the most dangerous question of the night. Anton is your one close friend that you've met in your economics class, and you can't believe he's just asked you that.

“Because he sucks!” You retort defensively, as if that would excuse your shameless stare down with the back of Wonbin’s head.

"I don't get what you don't like about him," Anton pushes, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall, his voice almost too soft to reach your ears over the bass booming through the room. "He seems nice."

“Everything. He’s the embodiment, the epitome of a full of himself rich kid with good genetics,“ you say much too quickly, and it just confuses Anton more.

“Has he ever done anything to you?“ He counters, not letting this go. He certainly thinks you’re being unreasonable. 

You halt, a faint blush appearing on your cheeks, “w-well, n-not in this life, not yet!“ You reply hastily, now too flustered to go back to staring holes into Wonbin’s perfectly v-shaped backside. “It's just that his pure existence gets me so mad that I can't stand being in the same room as him.

"He's infuriating. Just look at him. God, he is obnoxious," you exaggerate before stepping away. You don't have to ruin your night by staring at the way his pearly white teeth sit so aggravatingly perfect in his mouth, or so you tell yourself… 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

"Ah, pretty girl, and you're still coming back for more..." Wonbin muses from behind you. You don't even have to look back at him to know he's sporting that smirk that you hate so much.

"Just shut up and fuck me."

And he doesn't need to be told twice. Just as you asked, he pushes in, burying his length inside you entirely. He doesn't give you time to adjust because he knows you don't want him to, and instead sets a brutal pace from the beginning. His hips crash into yours, his grip on your hips is surely going to leave bruises that will remind you of this shameful encounter for the next week or so. Just like every time, you try holding back your moans. You're giving him enough satisfaction by letting him fuck you, he doesn't need to get his ego inflated by knowing how fucking good he's making you feel. Although, you fail as soon as one of his hands leaves your hip to grip your hair instead, pulling you back. The all too familiar sting in your scalp makes you clench around him, a choked whine leaving your throat as he forces you to arch your back. He knows what he's doing when he holds onto the roots of your hair instead, hand just atop of your head as he pulls harshly while his tip pleasantly abuses your sweet spot. 

"You love this, don't you, doll face?" He teases, as if he's not feeling the way you clench around him, as if he's not able to see how your wetness starts dripping down your thighs. 

"D-don't talk," you bring out, and he lets go of your hair, the wave of relief after the stinging pain fueling the knot forming inside you. You can't give him the satisfaction of cumming this early again, so you try moving away from the pleasure, but he is quick to wrap a hand around your throat.

"Ohhh no, you're going to take it like the good girl you are," he says and the amusement is evident in his voice. You whine as his hand leaves your throat alone again, your upper body falling onto the mattress in exhaustion. His movements never falter as he pushes you to lay down on your stomach for him. This way, he has better access to push two of his digits into your mouth. Automatically you begin sucking on them, swirling your tongue around them as you whine pathetically.

"Oh, fuck yeah," Wonbin groans, fingers pushing down on your tongue, "you're clenching around me so hard, pretty. What, are you gonna cum already?"

"Yes," you admit quietly.

"What? Sorry, couldn't hear you with your mouth full like this."

"Yes! Fuck," you cry out, although it's still muffled by his fingers. He seems satisfied, angling his hips slightly different to hit that exact spot that makes you feel him all the way up in your stomach with how deep he is. 

A few more thrusts and he sends you crashing over the edge, walls clamping down on his cock like there’s no tomorrow. Yet, he is not finished with you; he pulls out and manhandles you onto your back, immediately pushing your legs as far up as they go against your chest, and pushes back in in one swift motion, groaning deeply at the feeling.

Your head feels cloudy from your orgasm, and you have to really concentrate on actively hating him right now because, honestly? With the way his grown out black hair softly sticks to his glowing, sweaty skin, his plush lips are parted as he lets out sighs of deep pleasure ignited by no one but you, and the subtle yet undeniable scrunch of his brows, you’d fall in love with him right now if you didn’t remind yourself that you’re supposed to hate his guts… for whatever reason.

“That’s it… you’re a little slut, aren’t you? Claiming to hate me, yet you let me do this to you…” he grunts breathlessly, pushing his cock in to the very hilt, watching intensely as it disappears between your folds repeatedly.

“Sh-shit… I do hate you-,” you cut yourself off by moaning involuntarily as he presses the pad of his thumb against your clit, “don’t act so cocky, you- fuck… you love this.”

He glances up into your eyes, a mischievous smirk on his lips despite his eyes being glossy from pleasure, “I never denied that, princess. I never said I hated you. I’m just fucking you like I hate you because that’s what seems to get you off the most.”

“Fuck you,” you retort, attempting to glare at him, but he looks so pretty, and whatever he’s doing in between your legs makes your toes curl and your eyes roll back. 

“I know no one’s ever fucked you better,” he states, completely ignoring your words, “that’s why you keep crawling back like the needy little slut that you are… you say you hate me, but you’d go crazy without this dick.”

"You're so- f-full of yourself," you point out weakly, pushing your hips towards him for an even better angle.

At that, he chuckles, "you're the one full of me right now..."

"Sh-shut-," but instead of finishing your sentence you cry out in pure pleasure as he rams his dick right into your sweet spot, rubbing his thumb into your clit with such precision it makes you see actual stars. 

"Cum on this dick again, I know you want to," Wonbin urges, his own breathing heavy as he nears the finish line as well.

"I hate you, fuck- I fucking-," you moan pathetically, body tensing up as your high quickly approaches. Wonbin delivers a few more hard thrusts before sending you off into a mind-blowing orgasm that leaves you shivering and panting.

Your walls clamping down on him trigger his climax as well, and just in time, he pulls out, painting the clenching mess between your legs with his hot cum, a choked groan on his lips. He twitches and shivers as he brushes his tip through the sticky substances that mixes with your juices, earning a few whimpers from you as he rubs it over your oversensitive clit. 

“That’s it…” he mumbles, eyes trained on where you were connected just seconds prior, “that’s my good girl…”

And even in your hazy mind, the word catches on.

My…?

© 2024 YUTASBELLYBUTTONPIERCING all rights reserved — please DO NOT translate, take, nor repost any of my works.

[iratempestatis]

Saw you asking for Xiao requests and thought I could send some!

This might be a little odd one, but... A self-aware Xiao finding out that he has fans like us who love him kinda romantically? It could be fun!

Xiao Waxes Poetic About Fandom

Xiao x gn!reader, 1.5k words. Anon I'm so sorry but I had actually no idea how to write this adgvhfcdcb. I tried my best but I kept giggling about lost 50/50s and and my 80 cr Xiao never critting without Motivation (crit food). I actually considered making hcs instead but I kept writing drabbles instead. Then I tried to write a fic, but kept writing... hcs... Perhaps if inspiration strikes me I'll revisit this idea someday, but! For now, allow me to present you with what feels like a raccoon in a tiara and a feather duster dress-

If Xiao could control player summons, he’d be yours already.

Unfortunately, he cannot- ergo you’ve made a hundred and forty pulls with not a Xiao in sight.

You've never hated Diluc more in your life, he can tell. Poor Diluc.

There are twenty minutes left for his banner to disappear for Devs know how long. He knows your luck is decidedly not his fault, but feels guilty nonetheless. What if he’s treated the same as Ganyu? Or, Devs forbid, Eula? 

You really did look forward to getting him, building him. He was so startled by your devotion- seated on that banner, he could see you anxiously open your inventory, check if you had enough primogems. You pre-farmed for him. You made silly little rituals for him(he winced when they failed). It was absurd. He was a high investment hyper carry. Why bother?

But you pulled Furina, and you pulled Faruzan. You don't have Xianyun (yet, he thinks, in both awe and alarm as he sees her ascension and talent materials in your inventory.)

He cannot fathom it. 

Perhaps you wanted Xianyun for herself- but then you also have Faruzan with all of her constellations lit up. And you also have Furina- and god, nevermind, you really did want him. The set you intend to put on Xianyun is the Song of Days Past. Four piece. With energy recharge substats.

You’re so close. Seventy. You get Layla. He echoes you when he mutters “but you’re not even on the banner!”

Twenty minutes left. You caress the screen. (That's a bit much.) Your brows are pinched together, lower lip worried by your teeth.

“I might have to break my free to play status,” you whisper.

It's not worth it! He wants to scream. Don't do it!

You bite your lip again as you find a chest. Primogem count: 159.

Oh dear.

“It’s fine,” you whisper. “It’s fine. This is fine.”

Xiao wishes he could make you go to bed somehow. You’ve been awake for hours. It’s fine even if you don’t pull him now, he returns like clockwork every lantern rite- hm? What are you pulling your Tighnari out for?

He knows you never really bothered to build him prior, purely because farming those fungi was a pain. He watches as you make Yelan rush up to the cliffs of the very Chasm before switching to Tighnari. When he realises what you’re doing, he buries his face in his palms. Your party members groan. Xiao wonders if you’re serious- you want to hit a bird in flight? With your aim?

“FOOL!” Faruzan shrieks. “Attack the ruin guard at Stormbearer instead! That achievement is much easier to get- Hat Guy, do something-“

“Too late.” He smacks his forehead with the back of his hand. “It’s started.”

Shing! Nothing Special, Just Practice.

What-?

You whoop, then cough and fall silent, anxiously peeking out of your room. Your fingers shake with trepidation as they land on the screen.

Wish x1.

Xiao feels a familiar tug as he hurtles through the air.

✦—————————————✦

Much to his immense surprise, this is an incredibly familiar story. Every time his banner rolls around there’s people that want him- spend for him, run amok collecting primogems for him. Farming for him. Giving him increasingly prettier and stronger polearms. Thrusting the Staff of Homa in his hands (sorry, Hu Tao).

He’s always a bit baffled, unless the person is someone already inclined to spend. He’s not a good choice for anyone’s account. He’s incredibly unflexible. A bit niche even. He doesn’t even do what his element is meant for.

Yet somehow you seem to enjoy running around with him. Making him special little layouts in the teapot. Insisting he collects your rewards every time. Making him speak to Katheryne every day (it’s so awkward every time, and she keeps laughing when your back is turned).

He remembers doing the Chasm quest with you. When it had begun, you were nothing short of gleeful, which brought him only anguish- he knew in part what had transpired and what was about to- and he knew you’d only be heartbroken by the end of this story.

And you were. You somehow managed to contain yourself till the very end- refusing to move to have even a sip of water until the quest concluded. You were patient- absorbing every every dialogue, every inch of text you could get your hands on.

To be loved is to be known, he thinks amusedly as you sniffle at the conclusion, then immediately open the wiki to confirm some tiny wretched detail. He can’t help but smile to himself a little as you angrily mutter profanities at the advertisements jumping out at you.

✦—————————————✦

“Is she SERIOUS.”

Xiao exhales softly as the Wanderer paces around the teapot. He hasn’t shut up since you logged in- because as soon as you finished your dailies, you occupied yourself straight away with painstakingly modifying the teapot (and crying over changes you accidentally forgot to save), all to welcome home the newest limited anemo five star. He’s been furious since he heard of her and ergo his potentially impending powercreep, much to the amusement of literally everyone besides Barbara, who feels sorry for him and Qiqi, who keeps forgetting who he even is. Xiao wishes he could tell you- he’s sure you’d laugh to no end, but even if he could you probably wouldn’t hear him right now since you’re currently occupied with one of your wretched rituals. This one involves Chongyun and- OH dear, no-

Furina grits her teeth as the glacial greatsword slams into the ground, straight through her neck. Chongyun looks like he really wishes the teapot had a bathroom. Xiao sighs.

Tiny fingers tug on his sleeve. Xiao blinks and turns around to face Sayu, her face puffy, her eyes crusty and glued shut. Eugh. Children really are something sometimes. Xiao considers wiping at her face with his sleeve, but… no. The Wanderer barks a laugh.

“What’s going on?” Sayu yawns. “Who are we pulling for?”

“Chasca,” Xiao says as the Wanderer hisses like a cat. “I wonder if she’ll need Faruzan too?”

They turn to Faruzan, sprawled like a corpse across the grass. You need to touch some too, Xiao thinks. You’ve wasted nearly an hour on the game today, and today has barely begun. He suspects you just like the thrill of gacha and are desperate for a five star. Weren’t you saving up for Xianyun? No matter.

Xiao knows you’ll never stop using him. You love him too dearly and sunk cost fallacy has effectively reeled you in, stored you away in a grimy little box. You’ve invested too much into Xiao to cast him aside now. But the Wanderer…

Barbara trots out the house just as the sky darkens, a cloudy depression opening up in the heavens. The Wanderer finally stops ranting, something about loyalty and actually amusing gameplay. Barbara puts the Tome of Eternal Flow away with a gasp upon noticing the giant HOLE in the sky (how did she just notice? Why is she gasping at the wishing screen when you open it thrice a day?) and gently nudges Faruzan out of her dysania to welcome home the newest anemo dps. Faruzan sniffles. Poor woman. It can’t be easy, dealing with him and the (thankfully, now quiet) ex Fatuus.

You pull. Xiao doesn’t bother holding his breath. It might as well be Bennett pulling, really because recently you’ve been getting exactly nothing of value. Another Faruzan, a Gorou for some godforsaken reason, four rainslashers, and so forth.

“Perhaps you’ll avoid your fourth betrayal,” Xiao muses. The Wanderer shoots him a startled glare, then laughs.

“Perhaps. You’re lucky, twink- NO!”

“Chasca, Flower-Feather Clan. Any disputes you need me to end for you? Depending on the situation, it could cost you a little di-“

✦—————————————✦

All things considered, it’s been a strange few years for Xiao. Since the game’s inception, he’s known he would be consigned to a solitary fate. He’s not a straightforward person, or particularly honest. He’s troublesome to play and troublesome to speak with. His chronicles are drenched in blood and anguish, quietly nestled away in softly murmured dialogue, artifact descriptions and optional adventures. Whatever love he was once showered with had long since washed away by the years that came after. And yet...

People continued to bother reaching past his exterior, reaching about with tender fingers. Wanting to know. Wanting to learn. They spoke of him. They took soft little bunches of their finite time and spun it into stories of him, art of him, words and adoration whispered and passed among one another in the communities they formed- that came together all because of their love for him.

It never failed to astonish him, fill him with gratitude so copious it was difficult to contain at times. It always drove him a bit insane- people loved him enough to painstakingly learn about him, strengthen him. That he was significant enough to sow the seeds of friendship formed by the common love felt for him.

Thinking about it makes him feel a bit silly. He’s just a character. He wonders if the others think about this as well (not Qiqi for sure) but he’s glad to have brought people someone real comfort after his fictional atrocities. Mortals… humans. He snorts a bit. He’ll try a bit harder to crit for you tomorrow.

[phoenixcatch7]

Really interesting how, iirc, of all the crimes sj got charged with, being an (ex?) demonic cultivator wasn't one of them.

The child abuse and the brothel going, the vow breaking and murder and arson, none of those could be connected to lbhs behaviour (at the time he was still in disguise as a human cultivator).

But accusing him of demonic cultivation? Training under famous criminal wyz? That would have carried a much bigger weight in the cultivation world than one off instances he did as a kid before he joined the mountain decades ago. The rest of the stuff, yeah it's nasty, but it's not cultivation ruining in bed with demons blood drinking pagan rituals in their good Christian righteous jianghu taboo.

If airplane had wanted lbh would have found or faked all the evidence necessary, regardless of if lbh even thought sj actually had done it, just like the rest of his crimes.

It would have been pretty interesting, though, if sj had done it. Had learned demonic cultivation and kept learning it in secret for when his own crippled cultivation failed, giving him a huge edge just in understanding how the enemy thinks. Knowing their tactics, their average capabilities, how to fudge a talisman, how to draw out someone else's energy by force if necessary. (One of my favourite fics for this is The Original Goods does some Original Good, totally check it out. Spymaster Sqq ftw.)

Now, back in svsss canon, can you imagine if sy could do demonic cultivation?? After throwing lbh in the abyss for being a demon, after running from him, after xinmo, after marrying him. Wife plot twist! Damsel rushes to the aid of his heavily injured demonic husband, busts out some impossible demonic moves to save him!

Lbh would find that very validating, very confusing, and more than likely Really Quite Hot.

How sy would even know he could do demonic cultivation, I'll let you decide, but imagine if there was also a body swap later and sy used both demonic and human qi like he'd been doing it his entire life. (I will also rec Inappropriate Use May Result in Strange Side Effects because it is also really good!)

But the fact that Sqq has a history of demonic cultivation and then marries a half demon emperor who can use both naturally? And the way sy treated lbh supposedly because of his fear/hate of the demonic? Only for it to turn out that he himself had been using demonic energy before lbh had even been born?? But also the horrible things sj went through as a demonic cultivator 'in training' under wyz? Leaving 'Sqq' with that trauma? The potential fear that lbh would enact or even just catch Sqq in the blast radius of all of that again?

Sqq accidentally stumbling on a plausible reason to explain his meta knowledge panic without a system reveal? Demonic cultivation trauma? A way to relieve his husbands guilt and own lingering trauma of rejection?? To prove to him that the abyss wasn't his fault or of any innate disgust of his very being??? He'd be all over that like system on an ooc breach.

Also, it would be extremely cool.

[vidavalor]

Hmmm...I feel like I asked you this before,but why do you think Crowley doesn't like the 14th century??

I don't think you have actually, Rouge. Aww, the grumpy Crowley picture, my heart! I had missed him so. 😁 I can answer that, yeah, especially if you help me consume the holiday treats I'm lucky enough to have from some lovelies?

Why does Crowley hate the 14th century?

The short answer is also the only answer here and that's really just that the 14th century was, by all accounts, godawful. Especially if you lived in Europe, as Crowley and Aziraphale did then.

Yes, there is always hope and lovely people and somebody making art somewhere no matter what else is happening but heed this warning now: when we all start time-traveling, there will be these dirt cheap options to go to the 14th century and you should remember this post and definitely not do that. 😂

Here are some reasons why (and nowhere near all, as Tumblr only has so much space...):

Early in the century, The Great Famine of 1315-1317 hits Europe. Several years in a row of terrible weather ruins crops and, compounding the problem, a terrible disease rips through the cattle and sheep population at the same time as the crops fail, decimating the cattle and sheep population by an estimated 80%. Millions starve to death and millions more go half-mad from the lack of food, causing crime to also increase. The foundations of society start to shake as so many are sickly or dead that the ability to keep everything going begins to come close to collapsing. This is just the warm-up for the century...

This is already an era that is very hard to live in. We couldn't hack it then with our modern comforts and expectations. There's no indoor plumbing or heating or electricity. Medical and scientific knowledge was more limited so there were no vaccines and no understanding of germ theory. Diseases that we have eradicated today entirely or can treat and make no longer life-threatening would rip through populations in waves on the regular. Life expectancy was much shorter because of the inability to inoculate against viruses-- and, really, from a lack of understanding of germs and disease in the first place. No one understands enough about disease to even think about societal efforts to stop the spread because they don't yet know what a virus is.

These are the conditions when The Black Death-- bubonic plague-- shows up in 1346. It kills tens of millions. By the end of the 14th century, as a result of Black Death and wars, Europe's population has halved compared to what it was at the start of the century. Life expectancy was never great but now, with bubonic plague atop all of the other diseases already in existence, it becomes wild for someone to live past the age of 30. The average lifespan drops to 26 and families are having so many children because the diseases we've eradicated today through vaccines still exist and kill them in huge numbers, with 20-30% of all kids dying before they reach the age of 5.

In the midst of this? The average person was illiterate. Gutenberg's printing press wouldn't be invented until the 15th century and the ability to mass-produce written works with it is what helped it become the norm in Western societies for the average person to know how to read. Aziraphale and Crowley, in the 14th century, would have been able to get access to written works mostly by associating with priests and high-ranking members of royal courts, as these men were the main people who were able to read and write and were responsible for keeping records and transcribing materials.

There were still playwrights and artists and scientists and everything but the 14th century is also an age of rampant anti-intellectualism and all the insanity that comes with people being against knowledge and science and art. While there are always people making art and learning new things in every era, there's kind of a reason why when you think about great advancements in humanity, the 14th century is not really the time period of which you think. Technically, the Italian Renaissance began during the 14th century but basically every major work in it was made well after it and it's more like the foundations for it were put into place during this era-- probably by Crowley and Aziraphale having had enough lol.

It's an era of persecuting scientists, condemning art, being suspicious of people with knowledge in basically any field... there's a lot of calling people trying to do anything other than pray, starve or die sorcerers and witches and demonic and all that nonsense. There's hate everywhere, especially rampant antisemitism, with pogroms in the later part of the century where countless Jews were rounded up and murdered in the streets.

Atop all of this, Italy suffers an enormous earthquake that is also felt across parts of Europe that, when coupled with all the death and suffering, does what things like that have always done throughout history... increase the number of people who now think the End Times are upon them and usher in all sorts of extra doomsday-prep weirdness.

This is all egged on by the fact that societies across Europe are basically on the verge of collapse as a result of The Black Death killing so many people and everyone is grieving and afraid and on edge. It's also helpful to know that, in between all this famine and death? There's also wars on all over the planet. Basically every established country on Earth is at war with another one for the majority of the 14th century (to be fair, this is true of most of history) and the one happening in Crowley and Aziraphale's backyard of England was no picnic.

The Hundred Years War started in 1337. Historians consider its end date, uh... 1453. It was a war between England and France, who also had a whole civil war in there in the middle of it. There were some attempts at truces and some 'sorry, too many people are dying from the plague for us to keep trying to kill one another right now-- revisit this next year?' periods but the conflict continued for over a century. It was largely triggered by... what else?... the English king at the time-- Edward III-- trying to say that he should also be king of France. Surprisingly lol, no one in France was really into that idea... England and France both also see these massive revolts of working class people in response to the high taxes of the war, the limited resources, the plague, etc..

This is just a handful of the likely top reasons why the 14th century was not Crowley's favorite. I don't think Aziraphale was very fond of it, either. They're two curious, literate, food-loving, peaceful, warm-hearted people, and they would have spent that century drowning in the worst of the human experience.

I'm sure they think about all that misery sometimes when they're warm and comfortable without miracles and enjoying seeing greatly reduced child mortality and many people living past a century. They probably often think about it when they're eating food sourced from around the world that exists in plenty, especially in places like The Ritz, that would have been unimaginable for most during the 14th century.

[midnight-bay-if]

Hi! Love the demo! Can't wait for more!

But do write at your own pace, would hate to see another author with great potential burnt themselves out. ♥️

Just saw the ROs dying in MC's arm ask, and can't help but think my MC probably won't be able to move on lol

So if the ROs somehow turned to a ghost or like having other consciousness that makes them able to see the MC. Seeing the MC having a real tough time dealing with the loss, or not dealing with them at all, slowly ruining themself both physically and mentally. What are the ROs thoughts/reacts/feels?

(Hi, anon! Thank you so much ❤️ Sorry this took so long.)

S: They stand guard as a spectral sentinel through an endless abyss, watching but unable to interfere. It is torture. Every time a stray tear slips down your cheek or a cry of frustration tears through your throat, they yearn to reach out as they once did, to rest their forehead against your own and whisper, "I'm here". But they can't. They utter words of reassurance into your ear, knowing you will not hear, whilst in the same breath chastising themselves for leaving you.

Even if you will never know the truth, they will stay. They will guard. And they will pray for the day you set them aside.

Rain: They hear your cries even when they have ceased; they replay inside their mind, encasing them in a hurricane of regret. They are trapped inside a whirlpool of their own making, destined to watch your sorrow behind the veil that separates life from death. In your darkest hours, they curl up next to you and place a comforting hand on yours, despite the fact neither of you can feel it.

A part of them hopes that one day, by some miracle, you will. "I never left. I never will."

Taj: This isn't what they wanted. It is a rare individual who prepares readily for death, but Taj tried. Their entire life has been a set of new contingencies, readying themselves for sacrifice. Even after meeting you, they bruised you with pommelling words and fracturing remarks so you could learn to raise your head above them. They hoped to have taught you enough that your strength would keep your head high even after they were gone.

Only now do they realise they were planning for the wrong thing. They should have fought to stay alive and remain by your side instead. "I'm sorry, Koel," they whisper into the endless space between you, "I failed you."

N: They have never been one to sit idle. At first, they allowed themselves to be consumed by the weight of your grief, basking in it even in death. Before meeting you, death was not even a passing thought in their consciousness. Death was something they brought to others, not the other way around. You changed everything. For the first time, N feared death but, in the same breath, became overjoyed with the notion that someone might miss them after they were gone.

Bearing witness now to what that means is much more crushing than they ever anticipated.

So, they do what they do best. They plot. If it is possible to find a way to reach you, to find their way back through the endless nothing, they will. Even if it takes the rest of your life. And should they fail, they will be the first to take your hand and welcome you to eternity.

Umbra: It feels familiar. But also different. The weightlessness of death encompasses them like an old friend, but it feels emptier than ever before. Perhaps because you are no longer within reach. They took it for granted, the time that you had. A lifetime would not have been enough for them, so how do they come to terms with less?

They see your struggle, and they know you feel it, too. Both of you, two sides of the same coin, tugging at the cut string of fate, hoping it will weave itself back together. It doesn't. But that does not mean there is nothing to be done. They have been here before, suffering a crushing isolation to keep watching from the shadows. They are the shadows. Every time a shadow seems darker than black, that is where they are.

They were promised a lifetime with you; they intend to check that in.

"I'm not going anywhere," they whisper, standing guard for your grief. "Not again."

[waywardwhispersblaze]

I'll be forever mad that Jayce ruined the moment right there, but not because I think this would've been a perfect ending for them (I don't). I'm mad because if Jayce had just waited five fucking minutes, the resulting scene would've been so juicy.

Look at the way Vi and Cait look at each other here:

Caitlyn: shocked, betrayed, hurt

Vi just looks sad:

We know from their dialogue in ep 8 that while Vi and Caitlyn were making the plan to distract Ambessa, Vi had another one, to bring in Jinx as a contingency in case Caitlyn couldn't be trusted or failed. She had to know Caitlyn wouldn't take it well once she found out. Vi's priority n°1 was saving Vander though, and they likely didn't have much time to think this through. Basically, she had to know that from Caitlyn's POV, it would look like "Vi chooses Jinx over Cait", edition number 2.

And she was likely right! We know Caitlyn lets go of her anger towards Jinx in the next episode, and accepts that Vi has the right to choose her family, but in my opinion, she wasn't there yet in ep 6. Having a broken Jinx locked up in a cell (her single goal for the last few months) while Vi was lying unconscious on her bed for days very likely helped Caitlyn reassess her priorities in life. But here in this scene she literally doesn't have time to think!

Let's look at Caitlyn a bit more here. During their reunion, She probably expected Vi to hate her guts, but instead, Vi looks grumpy, calls her a mongoose and a cupcake in two sentences, and drops the "my dad needs help" bomb after hesitating for a hot, single second. Moments after that, Caitlyn reevaluates her life choices and decides to make a big career change. Plenty of great posts have already been made about Caitlyn's motivations there, but to sum it up, I'd say it was a combination of: her being already wary of Ambessa and not wanting to let a Noxian warlord get her hands on a dangerous weapon / innocent man, being tired of hating herself, and, yes, her feelings for Vi coming back to her in full force.

For a few, glorious moments, she was working with Vi again! Probably feeling more like herself than she had in months. Maybe she started to hope they could reconcile after all. Maybe, she hoped it could be a "do over" for their failed mission with the strike team, where she'd be helping a member of Vi's family, instead of being torn apart by one of them.

... only to find that Vi didn't actually trust her (which was deserved, but still, ouch), and to come face to face with the source of her seething hatred, the single object of her obsession in the last few months. Right after being saved by said source of seething hatred. It's a lot to take in. She had to be simultaneously disappointed and shocked

So, what was she gonna do? There was probably nothing Vi could have said that wouldn't have pissed Caitlyn off right then (no, Vi, saying "she's changed" probably wouldn't have helped), Jinx opening her mouth would have likely made it worse, but at the same time they still had to run away asap. Caitlyn had already betrayed Ambessa, she couldn't go back. Vi pretty much put her in a position where she'd have no choice but to follow along, no matter how angry she was, at least for a little while...

and I made this post just to say, that the resulting bickering would have been hilarious to see :S

(forget about Jayce waiting five minutes, though, what if it they had an hour? what would Caitlyn had done once they were far enough from the Noxian army? point her gun at Jinx? attempt an arrest? (right in front of Vander? gulp) she might have simply ended up separating from them, and that would have been heartbreaking enough, but a completely different story)

((and that's assuming cult member!vander would have just agreed to leave the commune without acting weird))

[11queensupreme11]

Chat, I just thought of something what if the side piece got PREGNANT! It may not be possible but just imagine in the world of the impossible..

Imagine:

Cu: Percy I’m sorry! Please I love you! She’s just a side piece-

Side piece: in pregnant

Cu:..you son of a-

Percy: you say what?

Side piece: you heard me, now that I’m pregnant with his child he’s gonna replace me with your fake ass

Percy:..🤨 (Percy whose been through hundreds of pregnancies of Cu’s children)

Percy:..you-…

Cu:….

Percy: oh hell no, that’s all you my friend

Cu: what!?

Percy: that is all you! You take care of her and the child & I’ll take care of my OWN children (including Kebe and her step children because they are her children no matter if they’re adopted)

Side piece: finally you will actually leave Cu alone with the woman he ACTUALLY loves

Cu: Percy don’t do this to me

Side piece: oh honey bunny you can stop pretending, that whore will finally leave us alone! Just imagine it you’ll be taking care of me for NINE months,NONSTOP, and we’ll be together!

Cu:...

Percy: you’re so gonna regret choosing him as your baby daddy

Side piece: why? you jealous filthy harlot?

Percy: jealous of you? Nope I’m relieved I’m not you. Now since you’ll be busy Cu I’m leaving to go hang out with my other hubbies and my children peace out

Side piece: finally she left, we’re gonna have so much fun! Right Cu?..

Side piece: cu?

(Cu who already left for the milk a.k.a Percy)

Oh god! How would the yanderes react to the side piece getting pregnant!? 😂😂😭😭

THIS JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER HAEFAFVAJHBFSDJCHB

i love how we keep finding ways to ruin cú chulainn's life in this au, we're so evil LMAO 😂😂😂😂

HE KNOCKED UP THE MISTRESS???????????

this is so on-brand tho. he has so many kids that he never knew about so "leaving to get milk" is definitely what he'd do in this scenario 😭😭😭😭

but omggggg getting his mistress pregnant.... i know he's sweating buckets and silently freaking out over percy's reaction. and percy...... omg my poor baby, her heart's just breaking more and more 🥺💔💔💔💔 her husband not only cheated, but he got mistress pregnant too???? 😭💔

at this point, she is DEFINITELY leaving for midgard. she'll tell cú chulainn "congrats on the baby" and leave right then and there. (her kids are free to visit her down in midgard tho, she just asks them to try and blend in with the humans when they visit her.)

depending on cú chulainn's mental state by the time percy leaves, he might actually kill his mistress and the unborn baby. this man does not care 😭 he found the mistress pretty and fucked her, and that was all she ever was for him. if he's in a decent state, he might put his focus on trying to beg percy to come back, but with every failed attempt, more and more of his mind starts to crack, and he will kill the mistress and the unborn baby if he hasn't by then 💀💀

ok but seriously, i feel so bad for percy omgggg this is really horrible for her. her domains are literally FAMILY and LOYALTY, imagine your own husband trampling on your domains???? it's so hera-core, but percy's not crazy enough to target the woman and child, regardless of whether the woman's innocent or not. it's just not in her nature, plus she's HEARTBROKEN 😭💔💔💔

(the gods, despite knowing her pretty well, would actually be pretty shocked by her decision to NOT brutally torture the mistress and bastard baby. it's very on-brand for goddesses to do that, but she just... doesn't??? tbh, this would just make them feel even worse for her and hate cú chulainn even more because "bro, ur wife is a SAINT. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO HER?????")

the yans would not be entertained with the addition of a possible baby. knowing percy, they fear that she might actually welcome the baby with open arms and that is NOT what they want. it's already bad enough that she's splitting her attention between the other yans' kids, but taking care of a bastard baby that isn't hers? they see it as her demeaning herself!

buuuuuut thankfully, percy has no plans of welcoming the bastard baby to her family. cú chulainn can take care of his NEW family, she will focus on her own. (little does she know her crazy ass husband has already killed both the mistress and the unborn baby 💀)

[jackiepackiee]

Hear me out. What if one day Chuuya finds out that the reader was also experimented on.

TW:scars, leaked information, trauma

Chuuyax reader

𝒞𝒽𝓊𝓊𝓎𝒶 𝓍 𝐸𝓍𝓅𝑒𝓇𝒾𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉𝑒𝒹! 𝑅𝑒𝒶𝒹𝑒𝓇

𝒲𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈 - 𝓁𝒶𝒷 𝒶𝒷𝓊𝓈𝑒

𝒯𝓎𝓅𝑒 - 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝒹𝒸𝒶𝓃𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒹𝒾𝒶𝓁𝑜𝑔𝓊𝑒

Chuuya is DEVASTATED

How come his sweet and gentle lover has been hurt

He would take every ounce of pain from you into himself if given the chance

And his initial reaction, however he found out, will be hard to stomach

He’s in shock

“No… no no that’s not true. You had that good childhood, and you’ve been treated good by everyone. Just like you deserve, right? Right?”

Wide eyes traveled the room mindlessly. His brain was too occupied by thoughts to see anything beyond patches of color and light.

It was obvious what was going on in his head.

First, his experience. What he knows of the pain that still cause shakes and shivers in his body. The absolute mental devastation caused by the storm in his heart and mind from knowing his past.

Secondly, he sees you in the same position. Screaming, blood over your plush skin. Eyes dazed, far away from the world around you. Whatever world you may have been in that allowed you to be treated so poorly. Because if you had gotten hurt, it must’ve been a world Chuuya wasn’t part of.

“Right?”

“I’m sorry…”

“Sorry? No, fuck. Don’t be sorry, don’t you dare say that.”

In a split second he crossed the distance and pulled you into his chest.

“I’ll kill them all.”

Of course he would lie down his life for you, but this information increases that tenfold

You’re not fragile, that much is obvious, but after learning how close you were to death he strives for your life

Whatever it takes

“Chuuya, I do not need a bodyguard. It’s just down the block! And this boy needs a walk anyways!”

The dog barked in agreement, sorta. But Chuuya would not budge. No puppy eyes work on him when it comes to your safety.

“No. You can talk him on the walk, and go to the market. But one of my subordinates is going with you. I have some emails to write.”

“But!”

“No buts, love. It’s for your own good.”

He pet the doggies head while speaking sternly to you. Little did you know, it wasn’t just one subordinate. He had a whole team on your saftey detail at all times outside of work and home.

And if those scientists are still alive?

Not anymore… it will be a MASSACRE that the news will cover for months

“Hey baby, did you see the news this morning?”

You asked, on a whim as you scribbled a shitty signature on some paperwork.

“No, why?”

“Some old facilities blew up. It was crazy. Reports said none of the victims died in the explosion. They all died by these terrible and violent ways. Like torture and stuff… gives me the chills.”

That was his cause, you. The cute way you told him about every little thing you heard. The funny actions you do to make show of your words.

All his to watch, and not theirs to ruin.

“No baby, I didn’t hear about that. How interesting.”

I hate to bring it up, but it makes him feel worse about himself

How can you, someone who went through the same as him, still be so kind?

Why isn’t he like you?

He doesn’t see himself as sweet or gentle, he’s a monster and a threat to everyone he loves

And he thinks he lacks the humanity that you “still have” that allowed you to grow so kind

You stalked into the bedroom, tense at the fact that the door was closed. He usually would leave it open?

“Chuu? I saw your shoes at the door, I know you’re home-”

There he was, his ginger hair on full display. Hat in his hands to his chest. Said chest on his knees, curled into a ball of black clothing.

His torso expanded and contracted with each exchange of air.

“…was it work? Meetings with Mori su-”

Words failed. Minuscule things such as meetings at work would cause this. Would cause Chuuya Nakahara to cry.

“You weren’t supposed to be home.”

“…what?”

“You weren’t supposed to be home. I was supposed to be alone, and… and I- I dunno.”

Whines left his mouth when you kissed his cheek.

As if Judas to Jesus, he burned at your affection. Unworthy of something so…human.

“What did I do to deserve you?”

“Living, and loving. That’s what you’ve done.”

This isnt meant to be spicy, but sex is sex 🤷🏻‍♀️

And obviously if you’re going to be doing that, he’ll see your scars

For a couple who both has their fair share of scars, this likely isn’t the way the experiments were revealed

It takes a hell of a lot of trust to show yourself so vulnerable to anyone

But he loves each indent

He sees not the pain, but the growth then on

When you cuddle, he’ll get dazed and start rubbing circles on section of skin

Doesn’t mind them at all, even if they are dark and large

He has the same, and is no hypocrite

Not proofread lol

[zekeyboy]

I love apprentice adam as much as the next guy. Probably more than the next guy to be honest considering i want him to be alive so badly. HOWEVER. Let’s be real. Apprentice adam is so unlikely to exist for many many reasons.

Adam is not like Lawrence ideology-wise. Lawrence is an upper class white guy who like. he views his life to be ruined by these scum. these people lesser than him (ex. adam, for stalking him & photographing him, tapp, for going off the edge, so on and so forth) and its expanded on when we see the deleted scene from saw 7 where kramer talks to gordon about how like the bottom rung of society will always pull the good men down with them or whatever. like the fact that there was one trap where kramer puts a homeless man in the glass coffin and he has to like. eat shards of glass that got cut. really hammers in how kramer really views people - and in turn, the ideologies he pushes onto Lawrence. Adam is a highschool drop-out who’s, presumably, very involved in punk culture. He was originally supposed to have a huge photo of a Cuban revolutionary on the wall of his apartment. He’s probably never had a real job. In the original script, he’s very open about hating cops. He is the complete opposite of “Important White Male” Lawrence Gordon - and the perfect counter to Lawrence’s game (because, let’s be real - it was always Lawrence centric. I will come back to this later.)

Adam has always been considered the lower level of society. A “bottom-feeder.” He’s a drop-out, his line of work is very illegal, and - judging from the Scott Tibbs documentary, he’s been in that kind of crowd for a while and has forced himself to adapt to it. Trying to keep my personal view of Adam out of this analysis, he’s definitely spent a lot of time around the kind of people that kramer views as scum. He’s also, unsurprisingly, very sweet at his core. Look at how he talks to Amanda in the deleted SAW III scene, how he jokes around with those ladies. He’s like. A nice guy. Scott Tibbs even says so. Lawrence, however, isn’t the kindest. He might put on a face of nice, good guy, but he’s.. What people might expect Adam to be at their core.

Lawrence had his life together, and was dragged down by a bad decision. Adam has a different view and perspective on the world than Lawrence does. he was never at the top and pulled down. he’s been at the bottom and he works with what he has and i really like. i dont think that surviving his trap would change his perspective. i don’t think he would suddenly realize why kramer does what he does. It really wouldn’t help him. However, even if he was going to change his view of the world…

John Kramer does NOT like that guy. Like it’s very clear how biased he is here. Adam’s tape doesn’t even have rules. He doesn’t have a goal. He’s simply told that he might die, that he’s pathetic, and that he needs to ‘do something about it.’ He isn’t given rules, he isn’t given a consequence, he’s given such vague instructions. Lawrence, however, gets clear rules. Kill Adam by 6, or you and your family die.

The kicker, to me, is the fact that Lawrence fails his test. He doesn’t kill Adam by 6. He fails his test. Adam, however, is still alive at 6 - which would imply that he won. Now, I understand that the key was in the tub and that’s how he was supposed to get out. But even without that aspect of it going down the drain and him being doomed from the start, Kramer has a clear biased perspective on the two of them.

Lawrence failed, and is going to die. Adam didn’t fail - it was a design flaw, if anything, and he’s paying for it. Why does John save Lawrence, but not Adam?

It’s not Adam’s test, is the reason. It’s very focused on Lawrence. Anybody could’ve been in Adam’s place - he just had the bad luck of being selected as the photographer by Tapp. Adam was only used as a tool to counteract Lawrence - similar to the janitor in Saw VI for Easton. Adam was never intended to survive, but more to be used as a tool to teach.

Kramer, also, isn’t very fond of impoverished people. Amanda is a special case - but she’s almost more of a trophy if anything. If I got into John and Amanda’s relationship it’d have to be a completely new post, but he’s the kind of person who thinks that you just have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps i think. The fact that he, as I mentioned before, has a deleted trap where he puts a homeless person in the original glass coffin…. Is enough for me to figure out how he really views people below him.

I could probably go on. I probably will go on in my head. I’m very bad at organizing my thoughts. I hope this was comprehensive. I did my best to not accidentally mix in my own personal Adam thoughts that aren’t canon to the films (i have a lot.)

[gravityrises]

The Virtues of Stanford Pines

Summary: I've seen people accuse Ford of doing horrible things on one side, and people defending his actions on the other side. But how about we turn the tables and talk about all of the good Ford has done. (At least, that was the plan.)

Word Count: 2813.

Spoilers: Gravity Falls series, Journal 3, The Book of Bill, Lost Legends, thisisnotawebsitedotcom.com

1. He's incredibly hard-working:

Just because someone is smart doesn't mean they don't put a lot of effort into studying and Ford definitely did. It's mentioned twice just in "A Tale of Two Stans," when he tries to convince the college board to give him another chance and when he describes his years at Backupsmore.

And it doesn't stop at intellectual pursuits. In Journal 3 Ford says he exercises daily, despite having always hated physical activity.

Anyway, I don't think anyone is going to argue this point, so let's leave it at that.

2. He's supportive of his friend:

There are going to be a few controversial takes, but I truly believe that Ford was trying to be a good friend to Fiddleford. Now, there were fights between them, and Ford did say quite a few insensitive things both to his face and in the Journal. But overall, I don't think he ever intended to hurt Fiddleford, and he definitely appreciated his friend's company.

When Ford invited Fiddleford to work on the portal, he wrote in the journal: "He (Fiddleford) has sacrificed so much to come to my aid. He has temporarily left his bride and their young son... he has abandoned his own professional aspirations... I must do my best to make him feel at home.... I am off to the store for some banjo strings and microchips!" (quote shortened, because I'm lazy) Clearly, Ford cared about his friend and wanted to make him feel welcome.

He also compliments Fiddleford's "brilliant mind," "amusing quirks" and scrupulous work ethic, by saying "I double-check my equations. He quintuple-checks!"

And I hear you, didn't he claim the complete opposite in the series? According to him, Fiddleford "was wasting his talent trying to make personal computers", right? Well, if we ignore the fact that the creators weren't 100% consistent in their writing, here's how I would reconcile those two statements. Ford thought (erroneously) that his friend's research wasn't important in the grand scheme of things, but it was important to Fiddleford personally. And can you really blame Ford? He was about to demostrate the existence of other dimensions and create a gateway that would allow us to visit them. If something like that happened irl, it would've been a groundbreaking discovery, altering our very understanding of the natural world and how it works. Meanwhile, laptops, at least in Ford's opinion, were just "heavy, slow journals." Still, he knew this work was important to Fiddleford, and he wanted to accommodate that. Hence, his trip to buy microchips (and banjo strings.)

Ford tried (and unfortunately, failed) to help Fiddleford deal with his anxiety. In Journal 3, he mentions teaching Fiddleford some meditation techniques and going to the Carnival, so that Fiddleford would enjoy "a day of relaxation." In the Book of Bill, Ford feels guilty about not getting his friend a gift and decides to throw a surprise Christmas party instead. This was also an attempt to cheer Fiddleford up after his fight with his wife.

"But Ford didn't take Fiddleford's anxiety seriously, and it ruined his life." Okay, let's say you're right. Remember, Ford was raised in the 60s. A time when mental illness or just mental distress were looked down on. What was he supposed to do? Suggest Fiddleford goes to the therapist? I mean, they were studying paranormal creatures, if Fiddleford told those stories to a therapist who didn't believe in these things, there would've been a really high chance of misdiagnosis. Should Ford have simply fired Fiddleford? Well, that wouldn't have been very nice. Also, there is no need to infantilize Fiddleford in the first place, he's a grown-up person capable of makind his own decisions. If the job is too stressful, if the relationship doesn't work out, he has every right to leave, because his life and mental well-being are his responsibility. Instead, he ignored Ford's warnings and decided to use the Memory Gun and start a cult. It was, by the end of the day, Fiddleford's decision. And it's tragic. It really is. No one deserves to lose their family, their mind and their sense of self. It's something Ford feels guilty about, because whether it was intentional or not, he did indirectly contribute to Fiddleford's downfall. That's why, when they finally reunited after 30 years, Ford apologized to Fiddleford. And according to Journal 3, Fiddleford dissmised his apology, leading Ford to say that "Not only is this man's mind superior to mine, but he has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen."

3. He has no reservations about helping others out:

There's a reason why Ford's the first person people turn to, when there's a problem. He has both the desire and the skills to help people out. Using Dipper's idea, he stops agents from investigating his family. He goes above and beyond just to change a lightbulb in the kitchen. Though morally questionable, he did give the kids a mind control tie with the intent of helping Stan win the elections. In the comics, Stan turns to Ford when Mabel's face is stolen and when Stan himself is cursed by an old chest.

And that's how things were in the past too. In "The Pines Boys in: The Jersey Devil's in the Details", Ford defends his brother, twice. First, when Filbrick accuses Stan of stealing the gold chain from his pawn shop. And then, when the Sibling Brothers offered Ford to let him keep the monster and become famous in exchange for photos that would prove Stan's guilt. And just to add an incentive, they threatened to frame both twins, if Ford didn't comply. Obviously, it didn't work.

According to thisisnotawebsitedotcom.com, that's also how he became friends with Fiddleford: on the very first day, he spent nine hours helping his new friend prove his theory. And in the Book of Bill, when Ford learns that Bill's home dimension was destroyed by a monster, his immediate reaction is to offer help with hunting it down.

Whenever someone's in distress, Ford really wants to help them out, and I don't know about you, but to me that doesn't sound like someone lacking empathy.

4. He's got no qualms questioning the status quo:

In Journal 3, Ford mentions traveling to Northwest Manor to confront Old Man Northwest with evidence of his family's deceit. Instead, he was met by young Preston, who wasn't impressed with his speech and forcibly escorted Ford from the premises.

Also in Journal 3, Ford wanted to debate politics with Reagan. Make of that what you will.

Now this one is more of a conjecture, but in the Book of Bill, this is how Bill compliments him: "Guys as smart as you come along once every century, and they scare the pants off of authority figures!" This lie wouldn't have worked, if it wasn't what Ford actually wanted.

And of course, learning that his former "muse" is one of the most feared beings in the entire multiverse, didn't stop Ford from going on a quest to defeat Bill. Even after witnessing other creatures shriek and cover their ears at the mere mention of Bill's name. Which leads me to my next point.

5. Calling him determined would be a massive understatement:

Forget his sleepless nights at college, forget his extensive research in Gravity Falls, Ford has spent 30 years, let me repeat that again, 30 years traveling across dimensions and looking for a way to destroy Bill Cipher. I haven't even been alive for that long! From the little we know about those years, they were anything but easy. In fact, Ford describes them as "frightening, exciting, cruel, and strange." (And of course, the guy actually does use the Oxford comma in his writing. Who would've thought?) Let me stress that Ford was under no obligation to continue his quest, maybe he could've found a quiet dimension to settle down and live peacefully, in fact, that's something he contemplates while visiting A Better World in Journal 3. But he decides against it. Not because he didn't want to, he literally says that he wanted to revel in his parallel self's success. Not because defeating Bill would get him recognition. It wouldn't, at least not in his home dimension, where no one is even aware of the danger. No, he didn't stay, because his own conscience wouldn't allow it. Ford just couldn't break his vow from 30 years ago, it's as simple as that.

And what does he do, when his plans fall apart? Does he even consider giving up? Of course not! In fact, he ends his tale of interdimensional travel with the following sentence: "My resolve to defeat Bill has never been stronger." It's almost comical, watching him throw anything he can think of at Bill and see what might stick. His battle in the Nightmare Realm was interrupted? He jumps through the portal to stop Bill's forces from entering his dimension. The portal created an interdimensional rift? He tries to contain it. Bill threatens to get his hands on the rift? This time Ford has two ideas: he tries to encrypt Dipper's thoughts and creates a mystical barrier around the house. The worst happens and the world is about to end? Well, get in loser, we're going to shoot Bill with Quantum Destabilizer. Ford misses and is captured? Not to worry, there's a Zodiac prophecy, we can give that a try. It doesn't work, because two grown men can't put aside their grievances for just a few seconds, gosh that scene is so frustrating to watch. Well, here is another idea: one can erase Bill with a memory gun as long as he's in someone's mind. I don't know what else to say, Ford really did his homework, when he set out to destroy Bill.

6. He has the patience of a saint:

Wow, now here's a controversial take. Remember Stan's "Beep boop. I am a nerd robot. That's you. That's what you sound like," which Ford just laughs off. Yes, that's what siblings do all the time. And yes, this teasing does come from a place of hurt. Stan was feeling like "the stupid twin," "a dumb idiot who screws everything up," so Ford felt like he just had to put up with this. But it's still hurtful to be mocked for your interests. It really feels like their relationship was already a little strained even before the Science Fair Project Incident.

What about the fact that he was the first to stop the fight in "Dungeons, Dungeons, and more Dungeons" and suggesting Stan might actually have fun, if he joined their game?

Or all the snide comments Stan made, when they reunited during Weirdmageddon, including "Well, he's lost his mind" and "You really think some caveman graffiti is gonna stop that monster?" All of which Ford simply ignored. Yes, he did correct Stan's grammar under the worst of circumstances, I agree, but you know, everyone has their pet peeves.

What people often forget is just how difficult it is to be a kind person, when you're stressed. It is much easier to treat people with respect and understanding, when you yourself are doing fine. So is it that big of a surprise, that someone who's under pressure, sleep-deprived and/or in pain might be more prone to outbursts? And we know how traumatic Ford's experience of being bullied as a kid was, how much suffering Bill put him through, how difficult his years on the other side of the portal were and how much pressure he was under, trying to prevent a literal end of the world. It's ironic that the people who blame Ford for his lack of empathy, really don't show him any empathy themselves.

7. Even under torture, he didn't reveal the equation that would've allowed Bill to take over the world:

Do I really have to spell it out? Look, as someone who was on the verge of mental breakdown from a simple toothache, I have nothing else to say other than: This is admirable. And he did it to protect the world that, need I remind you, wasn't particularly kind to him. On the same note, he just never joined Bill in the first place: not in the 80s, and not during Weirdmageddon.

"Oh, but he's the one who started the Apocalypse, so he kind of deserved it." Seriously? No, I mean it, are you being serious? Is that something you would say to a person suffering from diabetes type 2, that it's their fault for eating too many sweets; or to someone with liver cirrhosis that they deserve to suffer because of their alcohol addiction? Because this is neither appropriate, nor helpful. Talk about kicking someone when they're down...

8. He's fiercely loyal to his family:

I think the way Ford compliments his grandniece in "The Last Mabelcorn" is very revealing: "You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel." His very definition of a "good person" is "someone who supports and protects their family." Which is... interesting to say the least, considering that Ford has spent a very long time away from his family and completely alone. But it does sound like something he aspires to. That's why he goes out of his way to help his family out, whenever they're in trouble. (See point 3 for more on this.)

When Bill threatens the kids, Ford is willing to risk the entire universe for a slim chance that they might be spared. It's a cruel Trolley Problem, which once again proves just how much he values his family. Still, this is some Fate/Zero level angst and I don't want to talk about it more than I absolutely have to. Let's finish this up with something more lighthearted.

9. He's never lost curiosity and childlike wonder:

This! This is what made me fall in love with the man and why I'm wasting my time writing this nonsense in the first place. This allconsuming excitement, when he finds a new anomaly to study; this seemingly endless energy, when he explores new places; this pure joy, when he gets to play DD&MD with Dipper! I don't know how to talk about it without gushing.

Ford obviously loves games, and not just DD&MD. He plays chess with Bill. He mentions being great at charades in the comics. And what cracks me up the most: during Weirdmageddon, when Pacifica compared the Zodiac to a game of hopscotch, not only did not Ford get offended, but he replied: "It would be a pretty fun game of hopscotch." Ford, darling, the world is about to end, is this really the best time to contemplate a hypothetical game of hopscotch? Also, you've just been through something traumatic... Forget it, you've been through 3 decades of traumatic experiences, can you at least have the decency to become a tad more cynical as you age, like the rest of us. I guess, mirth really is the mail of anguish. (It's from Emily Dickinson's poem and the quote means that some people act cheerful to hide their suffering.)

Also, something Ford doesn't get enough credit for, mostly because people usually focus on his academic achievements, but he is quite creative. He draws incredibly detailed sketches not only depicting various anomalies he encounters, but also whatever happens in his life. (Probably off-topic, but I find the implications of that karaoke page so funny. Think about it: the guy sobered up, looked at the incomprehensible nonsense he had written the previous night and thought: "You know what? This could really use an illustration.") Also don't forget that he canonically plays piano. Yeah, if I were Stan, I'd be jealous too.

And of course, that's why he's so passionate about science. Sure, part of him wants the fame and recognition that would come, if he makes a big discovery, but you can't deny that he genuinely enjoys learning new things. And that he enjoys sharing them with whoever is willing to listen.

In conclusion, I'm not trying to say that Ford is perfect in every way and has never done a single wrong thing in his life. To be honest, that would've made him a really boring character. So, yes, he is flawed, and misguided, and sometimes insensitive. He's made a lot of missteps because of his upbringing, personality and, as many have speculated, neurodivergence. But I really take issue with people saying Ford's a bad person, when he clearly isn't. Ford is and always was a good person, and by the end of all the trials he became a better person. One who understands that the only way to success is cooperation, not being a lone vigilante. That it's not a weakness to ask for help or to need help in the first place. And that a sea otter shared is a sea otter halved.

That's strange... why did I write that?

[naamahdarling]

Two days ago and I was comfortable enough that this was the right choice that I was able to make the call to have Smooch put to sleep. I am sure now. I wish I weren't. It hurts to see him like this. The vet is out or I would move it forward. We could do the emergency vet but I literally do not think I could do it without our vet and my favorite nurse. That feels selfish but when she answered the phone yesterday the comfort was... astonishing.

I'm trying to prepare. I've been waiting for this for a long time, which is why it's bearable at all. I have entertainment, I have an art project to memorialize him ready to go for whenever I feel like it. I have plans to make a couple of keepsakes. But there's going to be a hole in my life so much bigger than his frail little body. It's the end of part of me. He has been there in my future for so long, thinking about not having him there is like vertigo, or a reverse haunting of some kind. It's a Wrongness, part of the world about to be unmade. He is genuinely part of my identity. I'm all these things that I consider core parts of me -- queer, funny, creative, curious, a little clever, loving, an artist, a survivor, my friends' friend, my blood sister's sister, my chosen sister's sibling, my father's daughter, my boyfriend's partner...and I'm Dried Pickle Man's person.

Here at home IRL and online, and everywhere I go, to almost anyone I speak to at all, I have been his human for 13 years and 27 days.

And that isn't enough apparently, because Sid, too, is slipping away. I...I don't know that we can save him, either. His digestive issues are keeping him from eating, we can't stop the flare, a feeding tube won't fix it, meds aren't helping him. He's losing weight very fast. Vet is at a loss. I usually have a pretty good idea of what to do next or what needs to happen. I have nothing for him. The specialist might know. How the hell do we keep affording it?

And Raleigh. Oh god. Raleigh. If we can't afford the surgery or if it fails. What do we do?

What if we lose all three?

What if my boyfriend loses BOTH his boys? Raleigh alone is going to devastate him. Not just sad, like ordinary grief, I mean I have never ever in my life seen an animal love a human this much.

He's already struggling with his depression and ADHD. He will suffer and there is nothing I can do to stop this all from happening. I can't dig into a hidden well of trying harder, I can't outsmart it. I can't comfort him by saying that it is hard but possible to influence this. I hate seeing him in pain.

And I'm scared for me. I am afraid it will just ruin him and I will lose him too, until and unless he can recover. And I already spend so much time alone. Even my art is...gone. Too painful. Writing isn't really possible, either. My body barely feels like mine these days. I have so fucking little to hang on to. My cats are one of the last things I have of myself. One of the only good things I have in my day to day life.

It's all an absolutely terrifying cascade. Unlike a lot of situations where I'm scared of the future, this isn't me afraid of unlikely scenarios that are several crises away. This is very real. And I'm usually not scared for my boyfriend like this.

It won't kill us. You can come back from something like this, probably, I know people survive much worse and I'm bombarded with reminders of that a dozen times a day. But it can take such a long time to come back, and...sometimes you just...Come Back Wrong.

I'm not often genuinely completely helpless. I am helpless now.

[miss-allsundays]

i was kind of expecting it (because of the danny motta pandemic), but the amount of people that just. write off octavia as some sort of ungrateful brat is really pissing me off.

we, as the viewers, have a much broader understanding of stolas, his life, and his relationship with stella. we are also made to look at it in a positive light for stolas, because we are shown instances of stella and her brother being the terrible antagonists they were written to be.

and most importantly, we do not have an attachment to stolas and stella’s relationship.

octavia instead, has had her life recently upended, has seen her father do a 180 change and (in her eyes) ruin his whole relationship.

her parents are divorcing, and they’re going about it in the worst way possible. they keep badmouthing each other, and they are, quite frankly, very dismissive of octavia— stolas as well, even if he doesn’t mean it.

and then, her father risks his life for the guy he destroyed his family for. and she is left with her mother and uncle, who clearly don’t have her best interests in mind.

of course stolas deserves to be happy, and of course he can love both blitzø and octavia at the same time, but what a lot of people don’t get is that she is a hurt child, who is very lonely at the moment, and who has not had the time to process everything.

instead she has to watch her dad fawn over his affair partner, talk shit about her mother even after the divorce, and then he suddenly leaves and oh! he will be banned from their house for a hundred years.

of course she holds resentment over her father!! he hurt her, just as much as her mother hurt her!!

because yes, stolas’ hatred towards his ex-wife is justified, but he has subconsciously let that feeling cloud over his love for octavia.

for a child, seeing your parents go through a divorce is really fucking tough. even if their relationship wasn’t the best, even if the love wasn’t there anymore, your parents splitting up still feels like a point of no return. as someone who went through that, i cannot tell you how many nights i spent as a teen wishing my family would go back to normal, even if the rational part of me knew that their separation was a much better outcome, and that the normal i hoped for hadn’t been that in years.

their divorce is only a couple of months old, it isn’t nearly enough time to begin getting over it, especially if you don’t have a good outlet for your emotions— which octavia doesn’t have.

and as i’ve mentioned earlier, the fact that her parents hate each other so openly is also another big fucking problem!! it does nothing but make the child in between feel bad, because they feel guilty for still caring about both of them, like their love for their parents is wrong and tainted.

(again, stella is terrible, and we can all agree on that— but octavia doesn’t know the full extent of it!! sue just wants her family back!!)

i feel for stolas, and it’s so, so obvious that he loves his daughter more than anything in this world, but i also understand why octavia wants some distance from him.

even though he didn’t mean to, he failed to think of how his daughter was holding up, until it was too late.

(and to everyone that says octavia hates her dad, go fuck yourself and pick up a pair of glasses. there is a difference between being hurt by someone’s actions and hating them. she went to IMP to give him his meds. she saved stolitz + IMP from andrealphus. learn some media literacy before you speak thanksssssssss<3 )