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lemontrash · 5 years ago

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Epithets; the Pros and Pitfalls

Ok gang, so recently the topic of epithets in fanfic has come up and this is a topic I have been thinking about a LOT for A LONG TIME so I figured maybe now is the time to share my thoughts on phrases like ‘the braided baka’ and ‘the ebony-eyed Chinese pilot’ and what some of the pitfalls are in using epithets to enrich your writing.

NOTE: I am not slamming the use of epithets! I am not coming into your fic from 25 years ago saying ‘shame!’. I am only maintaining that these are tricky to get right, and to raise awareness of how epithets can be a really useful, powerful tool of description but also a double-edged blade.

What is an Epithet Anyway?

An epithet is a word or phrase applied to a person or thing to describe an actual or attributed quality, in addition to or instead of their name, and which are used to identify.

On one side of tradition, they are poetic. Homer, writer of the Odyssey, was a big fan of these. ‘The wine dark sea’, ‘rosy fingered Dawn’, and ‘Nausicaa of the long white arms’ are some of his most famous, never mind ‘Apollo, destroyer of mice!’. In his works they were generally descriptive, or talked directly to the schemata (the perceptions and understanding) of his audience.

Everyone knows Achaeans are super hairy, right? You know that.

On another side of tradition, they are identifiers. If you have a populace named virtually nothing but John, Richard and Henry and you’re not used to using family names, then calling this John ‘Long John’ and that John ‘Little John’ helps direct attention to the right person. Or to acknowledge their good or bad deeds/attributes (Peter the Brave vs Stinky Pete, for example) or their lineage (Aragorn son of Arathorn/ John of Gaunt). They can be used for comedic purposes as a device to make purposefully similar characters more amusing (Wee Jock, Big Jock and Smaller-than-Big-Jock-but-Bigger-than-Wee-Jock Jock all agreed to steal the sheep. The Pirate with the Peg Leg and the Pirate with the Clothes Peg boarded the ship.)

But notice that many of these epithets still use people’s names or are direct substitutions for when a name isn’t known. And they are largely subjective - epithets carry not only description but opinion - the opinion of society at large or the opinion of the individual speaker - and pinpoint value - what it IS about this person we should pay attention to.

And that means epithets can be used to praise, (Richard the Lionheart), to criticise (Bad King John), and to stereotype (those hairy Achaeans).

Oh and these are just epithets used for people. Epithets come in other forms, for example:

“The earth is crying-sweet, And scattering-bright the air, Eddying, dizzying, closing round, With soft and drunken laughter…”

The highlighted parts of Beauty and Beauty by Rupert Brooke are also epithets. But i’m going to focus on those used to describe people in this discussion.

In short, epithets always carry meaning in two ways - they focus on what the user feels is perceptively important about the subject of the epithet, and as a result, when we look through the lens of an epithet, our view of a character narrows.

Why are they Great?

Because they’re poetic by nature; they add interest and often eloquence. And because they tell us so much about the point of view of the user. They can add new facets to characters and give writers a secondary means of identifying characters to reduce name fatigue, or differentiate between otherwise similar characters. They can be comedic or evocative. They can show the changeability of characters as they develop or when circumstances change. Clever Odysseus, Lord of Men can become Pitiable Odysseus, hated by the sea.

But because they are poetic, because they carry opinion and because they are inherently narrow in their focus, there’s a whole bunch of pitfalls to be aware of when using epithets. Getting this wrong, well, maybe you just make your story harder to follow. Get it very wrong, and at worst you could genuinely offend someone.

What’s the Problem with Poetry?

The first basic issue you may encounter is that your epithets are too vague or are being overused.

‘My better half’ is an epithet. But if he (she? they?) has not been introduced in any capacity and you also alternate referring to him (her? them?) as ‘the hardened police officer’ and ‘the sloe-eyed beauty’ I might be forgiven for losing track of how many people are in the scene, how they’re related and how I should be thinking of them. Especially early in a story where i’m still getting up to speed with the setting. Here your epithets are muddying the story and it’s a situation where you should be using names. Even for fanfic where we’re assuming that the characters are familiar to everyone, you should be clearly introducing your version of the characters, because generally readers like to know they’re on the same page from the start rather than get thrown for a loop later on. And also you can’t be sure what your reader is thinking, so tell them.

Don’t forget that a NAME captures the whole of a person. Epithets only capture a slice.

You may also make your epithets too purple. ‘The azure-orbed golden-haired CEO’ is a mouthful, and may be adding detail that is irrelevant to the scene; imaging encountering that in a scene where Quatre is busy slashing through Leos in a desert battle. Who is stopping to think about that? Why does it deserve a spotlight right here, right now?

The other type of overuse is to pick one epithet that is your favourite and use it for every other mention of that character. Because epithets carry more meaning than names this is a little like shouting that character’s name through a bullhorn. It’s great the first couple of times - Wow! Exciting! Memorable! - but it fatigues faster than using their name would have. The epithet can then become annoying (’I know he’s got long hair, stop saying it!’) or at very very worst it can become othering. You will alienate your reader from the character, and at the absolute worst, this may mean your reader either comes out with expressions of an attitude to that character that you had no intention of courting or encouraging, or they think YOU have those attitudes and go away from your story thinking ‘wow, that was a well-written story but OOF. that guy’s got some uncomfortable feelings about stuff’.

Whose Line is it Anyway?

Epithets can be factual. They can be based on things you know, I know, and (most importantly) everyone in the story knows. For example, ‘The Wing Gundam Pilot’ is a factual epithet for Heero and is based on knowledge accessible and agreed by 99% of people.

It would still not work if the narrative POV is a character who doesn’t know Heero or doesn’t recognise him as a Gundam Pilot at all. E.G. He’s in disguise and questioning Abdul, who has never met him before.

And this is because epithets are still directional. They convey an understanding or a focus from the user to the reader, regardless of if the user is a character within the story, or the voice of the author themselves. And that’s where it can get weird.

Let’s say I’m writing a story from Rashid’s POV. As a person, he is unlikely to be fussed about the colour of Heero’s eyes, or the fact that Trowa is tall because Rashid is too pragmatic to give a hoot if your eyes are blue or not, and literally everyone is a shrimp compared to Rashid. So in that story, epithets like ‘The azure-eyed pilot’ or ‘the tall pilot’ would be strange if not meaningless coming from that character, and in fact would break the 4th wall by forcing the author’s voice into the foreground.

Effective epithets are either universal and readily accepted (and therefore often neutral/factual, even if they are poetic - rosey-fingered Dawn) or they are naturally biased towards the perspective of the user. Which means characterisation of an epithet used by a person in a story to describe another person in the story goes both ways: When a story in Heero’s POV describes Duo as a ‘violet-eyed beauty’ I may think ‘Duo, purple eyes, pretty boy, yes. check!’ but I will probably also think, ‘wow, Heero’s a massive closet romantic and he has some serious pants-feels for Duo’.

Or if that doesn’t match my view of Heero as a character, I may well think that this author has missed the point of Heero Yuy: Perfect Soldier and it’s THEM who has the serious pants-feels for Duo. If it’s the middle of a gritty battle scene, I may also think ‘Wow, is this really the time, author? Put it back in your pants’.

Or maybe in the above example, it’s a 1x2 but this is jumping the gun. Heero isn’t aware of his own feelings yet so this kind of epithet is premature in Chapter 1. Bring it in down the line when Heero’s acknowledging to himself that Duo makes him go all weird and sweaty.

So use epithets knowing that they will describe the target but also the user, and if those things don’t accord, can jar your reader quickly out of the headspace you were trying to achieve or shout your own voice over that of your characters.

Distilling or Reducing?

If I take a mint plant and distill it, I will end up with a bottle of menthol oil which I could shove under your nose and declare ‘this is perfume!’ and you, eyes streaming, would have to stand there and generally agree.

But if i take a mint plant, rip off a leaf and push it in your face and declare ‘this is perfume!’ you’re less likely to agree with me. Because in this case, I am not distilling, i am reducing.

Epithets can work the same way. At their best, they take everything you want to convey about a character and their situation/personality and condense it into one potent phrase that socks your reader in the face.

But all too often, they are used reductively and then you actually lose a great deal of what’s important about a character for the sake of showmanship and/or lazy writer’s short-hand.

Let’s go back to the Odyssey. Odysseus has just washed up after being shipwrecked; he’s naked, salt encrusted, beardy and beasty and savage. Whilst stumbling around on the shore he is met by a princess, Nausicaa. Nausicaa of the long, white arms. That’s her epithet. From a modern feminist perspective, it seems a little reductive, but in the context of the story, it’s a distillation. She plays an opposite to Odysseus in this scene as he struggles to come back to civilisation after his hardships. She is washing rich clothes; he’s dressed in rags. She’s feminine and cultured and graceful; he’s acting like a wild lion. She represents civilisation and ideals with her fragility and her skin that’s been protected from the sun. He’s burnt and has forgotten how to act like a man.

So whilst the epithet is focussed it tells me a lot of what i need to know and expect of Nausicaa in terms of her role in the story, and the fact that she will compel Odysseus to come back to himself as King of Ithaca.

However, epithets are commonly based on appearance, status or origin, and can very easily fall into stereotype and tropes. Remember Homer’s hairy Achaeans? Was that a flattering description? Would Achaeans bang their chest and cheer proudly to be described as hairy, or would they be put out? If Achaeans are hairy, then what are Trojans?

Let’s bring this to a modern context. If I use ‘the American pilot’ as short hand to convey that Duo is brash and loud and reckless...can I guarantee that my reader will agree with that assumption? Personally I know a lot of Americans, many of whom are not brash or loud or reckless. And if Americans in my fic are de facto brash and loud and reckless... what are Chinese people like? Humourless and ill-tempered? Or is that just Wufei? As a British person, I can find it more than tiresome to see myself represented as old-fashioned and endlessly polite; particularly when it gets obvious that the writer hasn’t the first clue about the UK or British culture. I can only imagine what it’s like for minority groups.

If you start short-handing in this way, it’s the top of a potentially slippery slope into unintentional racial or cultural profiling. This is where epithets can start to raise eyebrows or make readers reach for the back-button. You need to ask yourself - is this lazy description or is this meaningful? Is this from a ‘generic’ POV (IE, mine as the author) or is it quantified by the POV of a character in the story who may carry those biases? Should those biases be acknowledged or explored by the story? Should those biases be carried in character speech only, then, or is it ok to put them into the prose?

Is there a way I can characterise that without short-handing with a basic epithet? If I’m already saying that Duo flipped the table and threw his hands up in impatience, does tagging on this epithet strengthen the meaning of those actions, or are his actions defining the epithet?

Did you know that the alternative meaning of ‘epithet’ is ‘a disparaging or abusive word or phrase’? This is loaded description.

And finally, sometimes the epithet is just plain boring. If the epithet is a universal fact, then it is also a static snapshot of the character we’ve seen before; and it’s often not even individual. Heero has blue eyes... but so does Quatre, and so do Relena, Zechs, Mariemaia, Treize, Sally Po, Sylvia Noventa and that guy over there. It tells me nothing about Heero as a person and even if we argue ‘but it’s a specific shade of blue!’ Well...sure. It’s still not that unique and you shouldn’t have to dig that deep into the epithet to make the trait stand out. It’s the literary version of a newspaper headline yelling ‘WOMAN WEARS CLOTHES’.

For example, compare:

‘The blue-eyed Vice Foreign Minister entered the meeting room’

Cool beans. So what? Relena’s arrived but my attention is already distracted away from her looking for something more plot-related. Especially if this is chapter 3 and her appearance has already been described to me 6 or 7 times.

‘The false queen, Relena Peacecraft entered the meeting room’.

J u i c y! Sounds like tea is going to be spilled. Who’s still holding this grudge against her? Is she the villain here? I’m gonna keep reading.

TL;DR

In summary, epithets carry a lot of personal perspective and can be powerful devices in writing. Used well, they will lift up your writing and make it memorable, vivid and engaging. Used thoughtlessly, you can stumble into a number of pitfalls, some which will make your writing harder to read or unintentionally comedic, and others that could make you look like an asshole.

#fanfic writing #writing advice #epithets #YMMV

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ofmythsandmadness · 5 years ago

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lost in (queens, nyc)

SUMMARY: someone’s stood her up, and peter parker’s got a crazy idea to (hopefully) make things better. PAIRING: peter parker x reader WORD COUNT: 2042

A/N: based on iris zhang’s (will be linked) cover of ‘lost in japan’, somewhat. aka i was listening to it, and then became faceted on the lyrics “i got an idea, i know it sounds crazy” and “do you got plans tonight?”. it’s not really a representation of the song, but it’s pretty and i wrote it with that in mind, if it means anything. i wrote this super fast and i haven’t edited it so!! please don’t judge me too much, i’ll get to it in the morning but i just had to shoot this off. :))

lost in japan, by iris zhang -

youtube

EVEN WITH HER EYES FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH TEARS, Peter Parker thinks she is the prettiest girl in the whole world.

Though, he does not especially like her crying - while she’s still pretty as can be, her crying means she’s sad, and that makes her own heart hurt.

Peter’s arguably the most awkward guy in New York - nay, the world. He never knows what to say or how to act, especially not around pretty people that make his heart spin and soar. But he also just cannot turn a blind eye to the badly hidden sniffles and tears. She is, after all, one of his closest friends, and at that point she most definitely has seen him walking. He might be awkward beyond belief, but he’s not a dick.

So he twists around and hurries back the way he came, muttering apologies-a-plenty for those he bumps into along the way. His hand finds her shoulder and then shies away immediately when she starts (great idea - not everyone’s got a ‘tingle’, Peter). He can feel his face heat up and he knows that its growing redder and redder by every passing millisecond, but he’s already there. Already sliding into the opposing seat, already in the gaze of the pretty girl with tears in her eyes and tissues in hand.

He’s already there. He might as well do his best to make her smile.

So, Peter fakes a small grin, tries to look as empathetic as he possibly can. Sure, it might just look like he’s mildly constipated, but hopefully she gets the hint. His hand shivers on the table, itching to grab hers, but it just settles on tapping against the cool metal. “I - I don’t mean to just sit, it’s just...well, I heard you crying.”

Her eyes widen and he knows that’s far from the right thing to say. Immediately, Peter spits out a thousand apologies, rushing to make things right and make sure she knows that he did not mean anything by that. But before he can bend over backwards to cover up a silly remark, their eyes meet and he realises with a small start, that she’s not looking upset. Not at him, at least.

“It’s okay,” Y/N says. She sniffles one last time, runs the tissue under her nose, then tosses it into the trash. “Really. I mean, it’s my fault for sitting here moping, right?”

“W-what? Moping, no, you’re not - there’s nothing wr - you’re okay.”

She throws him a watery smile, barely covering up the woe underneath. “Nah. I’ve been here an hour or so now, I should’a headed home at this point. I look sorta stupid, sitting here crying by myself.”

Peter frowns in confusion. “An hour? What - what are you doing here? Waiting for?”

“It’s stupid.”

“No, no it’s okay.”

Her gaze turns down, staring at her twisting fingers on the tabletop and watching them perform. “I, uh...heh. This guy, he asked me out. We were supposed to meet here, but..looks like he’s not ever showing up.”

He can feel the rage bubble inside of him. Quiet, but very much present. The fact that anyone would turn her up makes him want to punch a wall. The sheer audacity for someone to ignore plans with the coolest girl in Queens - well, there’s a lot he could say to that, but it’s not his place to do so. Instead of voicing his outrage and angry compliments her way, Peter splutters for words. “I don’t - I - what - I don’t get it. Why would someone turn you up?”

Her lips twist even more, a sad pout as she reminescenes. “Dunno. Guess they just thought it was not worth their time. Or they just thought, ‘hey, why not make this chick think that someone would actually be int’a her’. I should have known.”

“H-hey, no, that’s not true. I li…” he does not know how to finish that thought, if he has the strength to spit his own truth. And especially when Y/N look at him curiously, Peter knows he can’t follow through. He swallows, trying to whet his throat, only to find his mouth is completely bone dry. “I just mean that you’re, you’re wonderful. I’m sure lots of people like you.”

“Thanks, Peter.” Her shoulders slump. “Wish that was true.”

“It is true,” he replies, the first few words he’s able to spit out certainly. “I mean it.”

Her look doesn’t waver, and he realises a couple of toss away phrases that badly mimic a pep talk won’t help. He should know as well as anyone that problems cannot be solved with a pep talk - if it doesn’t work for him, he shouldn’t expect her to take his stuttered words. No, if he wants to see her smile again - and oh, how he wants that - he’s going to have to do more than that.

A shy smile begins to grow on his lips, spreading across his face. Peter rises, much to Y/N’s surprise, but before she can ask where he’s going, he extends his hand. It trembles but remains strong, waiting for her own - that time not second-guessing his actions. “C’mon.”

“Huh?”

“C’mon,” he repeats, that time a little shakier. He tries not to doubt himself, but its hard when you’re...well...him. Nevertheless, he remains standing. “D’ya got any other plans, tonight?”

“Well, no.”

Peter feels his knees tremble, and desperately tries to steady himself. “Let’s do s-something, then. I - I know it sounds crazy, but-”

“-actually, no, it doesn’t.” Finally, her hand slips carefully into his own and he feels his heart practically explode right then and there in his chest. She smiles gently and brushes away one last tear, and she’s a sight to be taken in - someone should paint her. Truly.

Her shoulders go back and her hand squeezes in his own trembling one. “I’ve got nothing else. What did you have in mind?”

And Peter just smiles, and tugs her forward, determined to make up for what that jerk did to her.

TWO HOURS LATER AND HER SMILE WAS STRAIGHT UP brightening up the entire night sky. Hell, Peter Parker began to expect people to start sticking their heads out their windows and wonder why the sun was rising for a second time. But honestly, the world could be damned entirely - he could not care at all. She was happy, and he was overjoyed at that fact.

Sure, he could not do all he wanted to do - his first thought went to an aerial tour of New York, her arms wrapped around him as the two of them zoomed about, staring down at the tiny buildings and people. But with the difficulty of a secret identity is a pain that had to step on his parade, and so he decided to just milk his other superhero advantages in order to make her happy. Revealing he was Spider-man could wait another time.

In the meantime, they are both grinning from ear to ear, and her hand is firmly wrapped in his and their shoulders are brushing with ever single step they take and honestly, Peter’s not sure how long he can last without bursting into a ray of pure happiness. It took some time, but he managed to break her frown into the happy-go-lucky grin of pure gold that made him weak at the knees.

“Thanks,” she mumbles, purposely knocking herself into him that time. Her eyes dart his way, they lock with his and he can hardly stop himself from turning red. “Seriously, for everything. I mean, when you said ‘crazy idea’ I didn’t know what to expect, but all this?”

He hates to milk his connections, but...hey, it worked and he really doesn’t regret it. “I’m just glad your night wasn’t ruined.”

“Ruined?” she gasps. They pause, almost conveniently just outside her apartment building. Y/N turns to stand in front of him, but her hand never leaves his. If anything, the grip just tightens. “Oh, no, Peter. This has been one of the best times I’ve had in a long, long time and I - I honestly couldn’t give a damn about that guy anymore. I’m really glad he didn’t show up, it meant we could have this great time together.”

Yep, he’s definitely glowing at that point. Peter ducks his head, eager to hide the blush, but still grins. “Well, uh, I’m glad. I had a good time too.” Good? Understatement of the year.

“That’s, that’s good.”

He raises his head a breath, just so he can see her gaze; curious, but cautious, like she’s not sure about something but eager to know more. “Y-yeah.” His words fall soft and stuttered, a slip up he only makes because they’re now so close and he’s only just realising now how near she is to him. His bones feel like rubber; if he fell to the ground spineless, it would not be much of any surprise to him. He’s felt this way before, knows it well enough, it came with the territory of crushes but - if he’s truly being honest with himself, being with Y/N and her intoxicating smile and big, beautiful e/c eyes, it’s nothing like ever before.

“Well,” she sighs, “this is my place. Thanks for walking me back.”

“Y-yeah. No problem.”

They stand there, a moment longer, both maybe expecting something else from the other. Her face remains upturned and hopeful for a long time, close to infinity if he had to label it, but as the seconds drip by, Y/N loses that eager glow.

Her smile droops a little. “I guess I’ll see you at school?”

Peter’s heart thuds in his chest, and at that time, not in a good way. He knows those words and that tone. He’s supposed to have had made a move already, and done that suave movie-star thing that he’s been lectured on by far too many superhero heartthrobs. And yet, his feet are glued to the pavement and he’s sweating more than he can believe, and now without her hand in his as an anchor, maybe he’s drowning all alone at sea. He’s messed it up, the moment where he could try and be honest with her - and he doesn’t know if he has the guts to make up for it.

But as she turns away, his heart beats faster and faster all of a sudden, and out of nowhere his feet are unstuck and rushing him closer and closer to her. He’s then right behind her, tapping her shoulder and turning her around, making her look back up at him like she did moments before. He inhales a deep, shaky breath, tries to swallow his anxiety back and smile like he had been, before the moment ended.

“I just wanted to say...I had a really good time today.”

“Yeah?”

He nodded, once then over and over like a bobble-head collective. “Yeah. Yeah, it was fun, being out with you. And maybe...maybe, we can do it again, sometime? Together?” He scratches his neck awkwardly. “Maybe next time, not just because of some asshole who stood you up.”

Y/N smiles again, but it’s different from before. Still genuine, but gentler, sweeter, if that is even possible. Before he could process the moment, she’s rising up to her tippy-toes and then towards him, placing a soft hand on his shoulder so that she could kiss his cheek. The moment’s barely a second in time, just a quick motion that led her right back to the position in front of him, but he runs it over and over and over in his head like a cassette stuck on a loop.

As he stares down at her, dumbfounded, Y/N begins to turn away, for the second time again. She waves though, and gives him one last glimpse at her glowing smile before she’s moving towards her place. “See you around, Peter,” she calls, growing smaller and smaller by the second.

And that time, when she says that, he knows it means more than just around school.

#peter parker #marvel x reader #peter parker x reader #peter parker x reader fluff #peter parker fluff #peter parker oneshot #peter parker imagine #parker #mcu #marvel #peter is such an awkward sweetheart and i felt this in my bones #he deserves the world

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warzofstarz · 5 years ago

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star wars Thoughts at 4 am

ok so rise of skywalker happened,,, and i have mixed feelings. i didn’t hate it but i didn’t love it either (and i usually love star wars movies), so i am in desperate need of a little rant about both the good and the bad in the conclusion of the saga

DISLIKE

1. JJ ABRAMS DISREGARDING ALL OF THE DEVELOPMENT WE EXPERIENCED DURING LAST JEDI. this is what i am most upset about. you don’t have to like tlj, but you can’t pretend it never happened. it’s like he was trying to completely backtrack on everything that happened in tlj bc it was ~his~ vision for the franchise. i think that is disrespectful to not only rian, but to fans who grew attached to the development of the characters. we see finn revert back to first movie finn (lovesick puppy lowkey), rey become an invincible child of the sith, the end of the skywalker family line, complete abandonment of rose, and a total shift in the message of the trilogy. all jammed last second into the film. the next few points all have to do w this

2. the fact that in tlj it is revealed that rey is truly nobody- she’s not some all-powerful descendant or some with royal blood- and tros completely ignores this and makes her a palpatine. the whole point before was that she’s normal, but that doesn’t make her any less powerful, smart, or strong. the message from the first two movies was that you don’t have to be in these elite categories to be special and powerful, which is an important message to every single child and adult watching. it empowers us as viewers to believe that we have the capability to be great, no matter our status, birth name, ethnicity, class, or where we are from. you can find family when you have none. you have the power to change your life. when jj decide LAST SECOND to make her a palpatine, with no clues thrown into the first two movies to lead us to believe this, it feels like a joke. the rey we had come to sympathize with is suddenly an all-powerful sith, seeming stronger than even anakin and yoda, even though she had never even completed training. this reveal is not emotional and literally loses respect rather than gaining any from the audience. a cop out. i felt less emotionally attached to rey than in the previous two films bc of her sheer perfect power

3. rose being 100% sidelined even though her character was incredible in last jedi. her arc was one that i truly couldn’t wait to see finish and sadly we never got it because she was completely abandoned so it could just be a trio once more. i love her. the disrespect.

4. the sudden introduction of zorri just so that poe has someone to flirt with??? like if you wanted to prove he was heterosexual make him flirt w someone he has actual on screen history and chemistry with, like uhhhh idk? rey?????? dont get me wrong tho she is a badass and i love how she shuts poe down!! queen

5. how they throw it in there that finn is force sensitive but don’t fully explain it?? and he never even tells rey??? this is SUCH a cool concept yet it’s never even hinted at until the third movie and its not further developed as to why. likewise i wish we saw the stormtroopers before they left the first order. see what they dealt with and the abuse they endured bc it’s such an important facet of the trilogy and literally drives finns character

6. how we never touch on why poe felt it when rey was tortured?

7. i wish leia hadn’t died and she rallied support w lando

8. if they are a dyad why didn’t rey and ben fight palpatine together?? then no one would have died??

9. i’m just really sad that they chose to kill ben because even though rey takes their name, the skywalker bloodline is gone, while a palpatine lives on. the entire purpose of the first six movies is anakin bringing balance by defeating palpatine. somehow, palpatine survived this (never explained!!!!), which completely defeated the purpose of the first six films and strips anakins chosen one status and ultimate sacrifice of any true importance. in the end of tros, the palpatine bloodline lives on while the skywalker bloodline is gone, and i can’t help but to feel like that contradicts the theme of the original saga in which the skywalkers defeat palpatine and hope lives on.

10. lastly, i just don’t think george lucas would have wanted ben to die. when people kill off main characters to make the movie more emotional, he has literally said “i don’t like that and i don’t believe that” he goes on to say that he hates when main characters are killed, stating “the whole point of the film, the whole emotion that i am trying to get at the end of the film, is for you to be real uplifted, emotionally and spiritually, and feel absolutely good about life. that is the greatest thing we could ever possibly do.” so, i’m sure some of you could see why i have a little issue with killing someone who has finally recognized the error of their ways and wants to be better. yes, he has done awful things that cannot be separated from his new identity as ben, but i think that it would have been even more impactful to make him live with the crimes he has committed and still make him keep fighting his demons to join his legacy on the light side. overall, bens death left a sour taste in my mouth, and for that reason i don’t walk out feeling uplifted. i just wish i knew what george lucas is thinking right now.

1. ben solo’s arc and han. now, before some of you pop off at me, i still think he was awful and horrible and didn’t deserve instant forgiveness, but i also think that someone who has grown up his entire life being treated like the spawn of satan by all adults who are supposed to love him would fuck him up majorly, like it would to anyone else in that situation. i think that he deserved another chance at experiencing love and happiness, and i absolutely adored the scene with him and han solo. it was honestly one of the best parts of the whole movie. thank you harrison ford. the whole “i don’t think i’m strong enough” and him tearing up to his dad CUT DEEP. AND THE “dad-“ “i know” LIKE LITERALLY MY HEART. bringing back the “i love you” “i know” so they are LITERALLY TELLING EACH OTHER THEY LOVE EACH OTHER!!! i’m at peace. adam driver’s acting was absolutely phenomenal. so much respect for him. truly incredible.

2. i loved poe and rey’s bickering. lowkey thought it built some chemistry between them. and how poe seemed quite jealous that finn knew stuff about rey that he didn’t, literally asking him more than once (1nce) about it, like???? han leia vibes. tea. but also poe and finn

3. i really liked jannah SOOO much (and i usually am not one for introducing a character so late) but, like i explained in detail above, i wish they had built that backstory better and introduced her a little bit sooner with more screen time. but i loved her and finns connection and understanding of their trauma.

4. FINN AND POE BEING THE CUTEST HUMANS EVER. that’s all. i just love how they care so very much about each other like stop. cogenerals.

5. ALL THE JEDI VOICES WERE SO FREAKING COOL. CHILLS.

6. i honestly think that’s all. i don’t have anything more

7. OH WAIT HUX BEING THE SPY. i ate that shit up. yes. we stan. AND the hint that he was going along w poe’s phone call in tlj so that the resistance could escape (that’s how poe KNEW it) like YES

8. the animation of young luke and leia made my heart weep

9. that lil sketchy bitch babu and the new cone droid that talks,, mmm

10. OH THAT THE FORCE BOND LETS THEM TRANSMIT OBJECTS THRU IT LIKE THE VADER MASK SCENE WAS ICONIC

11. this is so sad that i am putting this in my “like” parts but the fact that they didn’t kill chewie and that they showed him being so torn up about leias death

12. OH AND CHEWIE GETTING HIS MEDAL THAT WAS SO HYPE

13. rey burying the skywalker lightsabers and looking into the sunset, perfectly tying back to luke doing the same 42 years ago

overall, if i don’t think too hard, i did like it and felt kind of at peace. BUT it could’ve been much better @ JJ :/ i feel like it didn’t do the saga justice as the “conclusion of the saga” bc there is still so much left unanswered. but, like i said, i did enjoy it a lot and have so much love for this world. rant over. i love u star wars. thank u for everything. <3

#starwars #tros #the rise of skywalker #star wars #ben solo #rey #rey skywalker #jj abrams #poe dameron #finn #george lucas #im upset #the last jedi #tlj #the force awakens #tfa

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franklyshipping · 5 years ago

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Day 8 ~ Christmas 2019 Ego Fanfics

Day 8 here we are holy moly! Now, festive times can bring along unwanted stress, so let's get rid of some of that today! LET'S DO IT!

TAGGING: @googlee-oliver

There are so many ways to give someone that you love a gift, and I personally am always honoured at the thought of someone even thinking about wanting to get me something. Something that’s always particularly special though, it’s when someone decides to hand-make a gift for one of their loved ones, I just find it so precious. Especially since making a gift for someone can be so difficult, certainly more difficult that regular crafting. You always want it to be completely utterly perfect, and you get paranoid and scared if you don’t get something exactly right and it takes at least 10 attempts to make something you think is even half decent.

Of course, sometimes this can be quite stressful….and sometimes, getting a little help can make things all the better. I regret to say that someone was experiencing sad stress right now, but you need not fear, because a certain little green glob was on a mission to find someone who could ease the stress and frustration….of Goopiplier. Gooper was speeding down corridor after corridor, just looking for somebody, anybody, who could help the poor guy….and Gooper ended up bumping into the ankle of the perfect person.

‘Wohoah! Whehere are you off toho in such a hurry?’

Oliver, the yellow Google facet, giggled as he looked down at Gooper, before crouching down so he could pet his back softly. Gooper relished in the affection for a few moments, before remembering his purpose. He bounced and gurgled intently to the android, who immediately furrowed his brows in concern.

‘Goop is upset and he needs someone’s help?! Where is he? Can you take me to him?’

Gooper eagerly yipped, before hurrying back the way he came with Oliver following quickly behind, his mind racing with worry as he hoped that Goop wasn’t panicking too much. Either way though, Oliver was resolute on helping, whatever the problem was. Gooper halted at Goop’s bedroom door, motioning to it…and Oliver could feel his own emotions building when he heard wet, muffled sobs coming from inside the room. Oliver smiled gently down at Gooper.

‘It’s okay bud, I’ll take it from here.’

Gooper mewled and nuzzled Oliver’s ankle as a thank you, before vacating. Oliver then turned his attention to the door, which was slightly ajar, before deciding to carefully push it open.

‘Goop?’

Oliver spoke softly so the man wouldn’t be startled, and thankfully he wasn’t. Oliver caught a quick glimpse of the man’s face before he tried to hide it, he had a slime-esque beard as always, but his eyes were puffy and there were tears and snot on his face from all the crying he’d clearly been doing. Goop gulped before trying to speak in a stammer free voice….which unfortunately he didn’t quite manage.

‘Hey Oli uh…l-look I’m uh…d-doing a Christmas g-g-…g-gift thing so uhm…c-c-…u-uhm…’

Oliver’s android heart broke at hearing Goop whimper and seeing him tremble from how upset he was, and he immediately came up to him and placed a gentle hand on his arm.

‘Oh Goop, what happened? You can tell me, it’s just you and me here, and I won’t tell anyone else if you don’t want me to….’

Oliver spoke in a gentle, reassuring voice…and it was that kindness that caused the last dam to break in Goop’s mind. His words were rambles as he turned to the sweet android, and his emotions just ran from his lips like a raging river.

‘I-I-I t-tried t-to make W-Wilford a p-pretty p-p-present b-but i-it’s useless a-a-and stupid and I-I kn-know he’s gonna hate it a-a-and think i-it’s worthless a-a-and h-he’ll h-hate me!’

Goop sobbed into his hands, sniffling as his whole body seemed to shake with his panicked upset; needless to say, Oliver was quick to act. Different people are cheered up by different things, sometimes it’s a light-hearted joke that shines through the dark crap, sometimes it’s soothing words, sometimes it’s the opportunity to vent, and sometimes it’s physical contact. Oliver had made it a secret project and find out and file away exactly what soothed each and every one of the egos, and thankfully he knew what Goop needed. A damn tight hug and the opportunity to just cry it all out.

‘Hey…hey it’s okay, I’ve got you. Just let it out Goop, just let it all out…’

Oliver wrapped his arms around the weeping man, holding him close to his chest with one hand rubbing his back and another hand buried gently in his hair. At first, Goop was inclined to protest, but as soon as he felt Oli’s warmth he just couldn’t pull away. He sobbed into Oli’s chest for a while, he was just so stressed and nervous that it just became too much for him. He’d never been a part of a family like this wherein he could give anyone any gifts, so this was a seriously big deal for him. Also, Wilford was like his idol; he was charismatic, talented, and didn’t care if he was seen as weird by others, he just owned it. That’s why it was so important for Goop to get this gift right.

‘I-I j-just….I-I-I wanna m-make this p-perfect….’

He stuttered still, but his sobs had died down thanks to Oliver’s affection and patience. The android smiled softly into Goop’s shoulder, rubbing his back as he replied in a soft voice.

‘I get, I really do. Sometimes with these things you just work on them so much that it makes it hard to see just how good they are, sometimes you need another pair of eyes to see the perfection…’

They slowly parted from the embrace, and Oliver smiled up at Goop now as he continued.

‘I could be that other pair of eyes, if you like?’

Goop nibbled his bottom lip nervously…he was still so scared of what he made being terrible, but on the other hand he really trusted Oliver, he was one of the kindest and most honest people ever; Goop knew that if anyone was going to make him feel better about this whole debacle, it would be the android of sunshine.

‘….o-okay….okay I’ll show you….’

Oliver’s smile widened, he couldn’t deny that he was excited to see what Goop had been working on for Wilford; Oliver knew that Goop had a talent for crafting, so the android had a really good feeling about this in his core. Goop led him over to a little work bench he had in his room, and moved a metal bucket aside….and Oliver’s eyes widened. Goop had, somehow….made a lava lamp from scratch.

‘Is….did you MAKE a lava lamp?’

Oliver’s mouth and eyes were wide as he took a closer look, whilst Goop fiddled with his fingers nervously.

‘U-Uh…yeah uhm, well, I-I’ve tried to….’

It was the most beautiful thing that Oliver had ever seen in his entire life. The lava lamp was a good thirty centimetres high and about fifteen centimetres in diameter, it had been crafted absolutely gorgeously. The lighting sequence transitioned through a sequence of pinks into purples, with a hint of magenta at points too, and the movement of the lava-slime substance was beautifully slow and hypnotic. What’s more, the heat it radiated was nothing short of comforting, it wasn’t too overwhelmingly hot, just a soothing, radiant warmth; oh also, the lava-slime clumps were embedded with silvery glitter. Oliver let out a soft gasp as he looked back to Goop finally.

‘This is so…just….I-I don’t know how to describe it! Beautiful isn’t a good enough word for it! The substance moves so smoothly up and down, the colours of light are so soothing and fit so perfect with Wilford! Plus, he’ll adore the fact that it’s, y’know, a lava lamp! I know he’s going to adore it!’

Goop blinked a few times in shock, having to take a minute or so to process all the praise he was being given. Oliver….thought it was better than good. Goop developed a wobbly, happy smile, letting out a light residual sniffle as he mumbled.

‘Y-You really think that?’

Oliver grinned as he nodded eagerly.

‘Heck yeah! It’s so cool, I really mean it!’

Goop’s smile widened, before he looked down to the floor, bashfully rubbing the back of his neck.

‘Ahaww shucks….’

Oliver let out a fond giggle.

‘Don’t you start crying again on me mister!’

Goop blushed at that.

‘I-I won’t I won’t-‘

‘Oh! Speaking of which, what kind of friend am I if I don’t clean you up?’

Goop blinked a few times, before his blush darkened as Oliver tilted his head up and started wiping and dabbing softly at his eyes and cheeks with a handkerchief.

‘Y-You don’t have to-‘

‘Nonsense, I want to! Plus, those tears might ruin your slime beard and we CANNOT have that!’

Goop let out a giggle, which warmed Oliver’s core so much, Oliver was much happier seeing Goop smiling instead of being so morose and disheartened. Oliver took his time drying away Goop’s tears and softly dabbing against his puffy skin, being careful to make his fingers a tad cooler so that the skin would feel soothed. However, that little giggle that Goop had let out was somewhat stuck in Oliver’s mind…and Oliver came to the logical conclusion that in order to help maintain Goop’s cheered up state, a state of mirth should also be involved. Oliver’s eyes gleamed for a moment, before he casually spoke.

‘Oh my! How did you get tears behind your ears?’

Goop furrowed his brows…what? For a moment he was seriously worried that Oliver was shorting out or low on charge, but he soon realised what Oliver was doing….when his nimble fingers skittered behind both his ears. He let out a wide eyed squeal and jumped away from the android, blushing rather red already as he stuttered in a very cute manner.

‘D-Dohon’t even think about it!’

Oliver giggled, and tucked his handkerchief away as he softly stepped towards Goop with a playful grin in place.

‘I just wanna make sure you’re all cheered up-‘

‘Y-You don’t need to tickle m-me to do that!’

‘Ohhh but I think I DO!’

Goop squealed and gasped when he was suddenly tackled to the floor by the, ultimately far stronger, android who wasted no time in straddling his hips and pinning his arms under his knees. Oliver let out a content sigh, before cooing.

‘Now, where was I?’

Oliver didn’t wait for an answer before he went back to skittering behind Goop’s, very adorable, ears which made Goop burst into spluttery giggles and snorts.

‘Pfthfttth-hehehey! Stahahappit yohohou ahass stahahappit!’

Oliver giggled, internally squealing at how adorable Goop looked as he tossed his head from side to side, he was so precious. Oliver’s nails were very precise as they stroked right in the crooks behind Goop’s lobes, all the while Oliver grinned and crooned.

‘Awww you look so much happier already, how could I possibly stop?!’

Goop squealed and kicked out reflexively, biting his bottom lip as he tossed his head about as much as he could, but Oliver was just too damn good at this. Usually if Goop got tickled, people never went for his ears because most people didn’t want to get part of his gooey beard on themselves, so that tickle spot always remained safe…until now of course.

‘Ihihihit tihihickles soho bahahad!’

Oliver fondly rolled his eyes.

‘Nooo! Really?! Well now that IS a revelation!’

Goop snorted, attempting to glare up at Oli through his flustered grin.

‘Shuhuhut uhuhup!’

Oliver grinned, his tongue poking out through his teeth cutely as he let his fingers traipse down away from Goop’s ears, now occupying themselves with softly trailing up and down his arms. Oliver smiled softly as he looked down at Goop.

‘You know, I don’t think I will. I’m really enjoying tickling you y’know, and that just makes me wanna talk even more! I wanna talk about how pretty your grin is, how sweet your giggles are, how cute your blush is! And ESPECIALLY how adorable it is when your goopy beard wobbles when you laugh!’

Goop’s eyes widened with embarrassment as he spluttered, caught between shaky giggles and utter speechlessness as all the teasing compliments built up in his brain. He’d never been complimented this much in his life, nor had he ever been teased this much in his life, and the intense combination of the two was just making him crumble into a flustered mess.

‘Ohogod-p-plehease just sh-shush! I-I c-can’t…’

He trailed off with a soft whine as he flicked his gaze away from the android, and Oliver felt like he was going to melt right there and then at how his teasy kindnesses affected the guy.

'Awwww, can the wittle goopy baby not handle the teasies?’

Oliver cooed with a giggle, now deciding to sneak a finger into each of Goop’s closed armpits, which caught the poor guy very off guard as he tried to retort.

‘I-I’m not a g-goopy ba-EEE OHMYGOD GEHET OHOUT OF THEHERE!’

Oliver grinned with evil delight at how Goop squealed and threw his head back, letting out a string out deep cackles that sounded like they came from the very depths of his sensitive soul. Oliver kept his fingers wiggling as he teased.

‘Oh…but…oh dear, it seems now I’ve put them in, I can’t get them out! Oh jeez, maybe if I wiggle them more then that’ll help get them out…’

Goop’s cackles got louder as Oliver sped up the tickling wiggling, making Goop thrash and cry out in growing flustered desperation.

‘NAHAHA THAHAT’S NAHAHAT HEHEHELPIHING!’

Despite Goop’s words, Oli maintained a concerned demeanour, letting out little gasps and grunts as he wiggled and twisted his fingers about constantly.

‘I am trying, but goodness me your thrashing is not helping! It’s only a little finger in each little armpit…’

Goop merely wailed, arching his back as his feet hit the floor wildly with his struggles and reactions.

‘C’MAHAHAHAN!! PLEHEHEHEEEASE!!’

Oliver giggled, and let his façade drop as he removed his fingers from Goop’s sensitive hollows. Goop was gasping, and his voice was caught in a much higher octave as he looked up at Oliver with flustered shock; he hadn’t ever fathomed sweet little Oliver being so damn evil!

‘Thahat w-was soho e-evihil! L-Like, s-seriously e-e-ehevil!’

Oliver giggled, raising a playful eyebrow down at Goop as he booped the guy’s nose.

‘I barely even did anything, it’s not my fault you’re a ticklish goopy baby!’

….I swear to god, Goop’s face was almost a fricking magenta colour after Oliver said those words. His voice somehow managed to go even higher too as he stammered.

‘I-I-I a-am n-not!’

Oliver giggled with an excited gasp, noting how that particular little nickname affected the sweet, ticklish man. Oliver teasingly ran his fingers over Goop’s torso now, focusing on his tummy as he raised an eyebrow down at him playfully.

‘Ohh? Does a certain ticklish goopy baby like that nickname?’

Goop pursed his lips and looked away from Oliver, fighting giggles as his lips and belly both trembled. Honestly, he did rather like that nickname, and frankly he was enjoying all of this too….but what he enjoyed the most was Oliver’s teasing. Oliver’s teasing gave him chills and goose-bumps and made him blush so hard he was hotter than the lava lamp he’d made for Wilford; disagreeing with Oliver was like a game, and it was a game that Goop wanted to play.

‘N-Noho…’

Oliver cocked his head down at Goop fondly. He could see that Goop adored it, he couldn’t hide the joy gleaming in his hazel eyes. Oliver understood why he disagreed though, it was simply Goop’s way of asking for even more teasing, and Oliver was more than happy to oblige.

‘Hmmm….that’s interesting…’

Goop let out a flustered whine as he felt Oliver’s fingertips splay over his sensitive tummy, before the android continued to speak in a low, teasing purr.

‘…because it seems to me, that the nickname suits you perfectly. You can’t deny that you’re oh so beautifully ticklish, you know you can’t hide it. Plus, you’re certainly goopy with that beard of yours jiggling away as you laugh so sweetly…’

Goop had his eyes squeezed shut out of flustered frustration as giggles built up in his belly and chest, feeling Oliver’s fingers curl and uncurl as his teases flowed so effortlessly was making it so damn hard to hold everything in….and ultimately, it was his final words that did it.

‘And frankly, you have the sweetness, softness, and cuteness of the most precious baby boy….ever!’

Oliver finished his tease by turning his tickling from anticipatory lightness, to devilish scratchiness. Goop let out a cry as he sharply arched his back, before he became a mess of giddy laughter and writhing beneath Oliver; his tummy was so damn ticklish, as I think we can concur.

‘NOHOHAHAHA NAHAT THE TUHUHUMMY OHOHO GAHAD NAHAT THEHERE! OHOHOLIIII!!!'

Oliver grinned with delight at his reaction, he ADORED playing with people’s hyper ticklish spots; people always got to the ultimate peak of cuteness once they were just consumed by mirth and nothing else. He kept on scratching as he cooed in the teasiest tone he could possibly muster.

‘Awww kitchy kitchy coo! Awww lookit the ticklish goopy baaaby! Does he like the tummy tickles, I think he liiiikes theeem!’

Goop was shaking his head frantically as his eyes started to water, the teasing was just absolutely breaking him.

‘NUHUHUHUH! NAHAHAT TRUHUHUUUE!!!’

Oliver giggled and cooed right in his face happily.

‘Is too truuuue!’

Oliver even went as far as too kiss Goop’s nose, making the mirthful man squeak and scrunch up his face; it was true tickle torment, there was no escape from the tickling or the teasing.

‘OHOHOHOLIIII!!!’

‘Yeeees Goopy?’

Goop was reaching the end of his resolve….but he was feeling much better as a result.

‘MEHEHEHERCYYY!!!’

Oliver giggled fondly, and had mercy, since he could see that he’d almost reached his limit. The android released Goop’s arms from beneath his knees, but flopped on top of him for a cuddle as he nestled into the man’s chest affectionately.

‘Do you feel a bit better?’

At Oliver’s soft question, Goop grinned his widest grin yet as he looked down at the warm, selfless sunflower android snuggled into him.

‘Yeah….yeah I do….’

Goop’s grin then morphed into a smirk, and he wrapped his arms around Oliver tightly as he growled.

‘Let me show you how grateful I am.’

Oliver spent the rest of the day basically being tortured….with love. He was accosted with gooey kisses and nuzzles and nibbles, which made him squeal and wriggle about like the cutest being ever; but let’s be real, no matter how messy it gets, love is the best thing around.

WOOO HOPE YOU LIKE THIS NEXT FIC LEMME KNOW IF YA DO WOOOO LUV YOUS XX

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beyondthetemples · 5 years ago

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Multimuse RP questions!

{{ I couldn’t figure out which RP blog to stick these on (since I have like. nine), so I figured I’d just skip to the Answering Part over here. =w=

Found here: https://memesfortheroleplayerssoul.tumblr.com/post/163688858676

is there a muse that you wish gets more attention? Honestly? Dove. There are a couple of people who've said they love reading about her, and I'm so absolutely eternally delighted for them, too deeply appreciative for words! A couple friends I met via rping her, and a couple friends I met in Certain discord servers, but that's about it anymore. But she's my baby, you know? I love her, she's amazing, and I wish more people took the time to write stories with her, because she just has so much potential! I mean, yeah, for angst of course, but also for healing and comfort, for action and fantasy, for mystical and mundane plots alike. She's so multi-faceted and fascinating to explore, I just... well, maybe it's more selfish in that I need help exploring some of the more mundane stuff with her. Because if it doesn't really Have Relevance to a Particular Plot, I generally won't wind up writing it, let alone publishing it. :P But this answer's already too long; I could rave about Dove for hours! All I'm trying to say is, I wish more people cared about OCs.

if you HAD to choose, who’s your favorite muse? Favorite to RP with? Far and away, Dove! Favorite for crack RPs, Srentha or Leyla. Favorite canon character is a GIGANTIC toss-up between Raven and Lapis. Favorite characters to explore for personal reasons are Ryou Bakura and Blue Diamond, but I have a hard time bringing myself to actually WRITE about them, for some reason...

is there a muse that not a lot of people roleplay with? (Besides the ones I haven't advertised? ^^';;) Maybe Phobia? She has only ever existed in comic canons-- though she WAS in the Teen Titans Go comics too! (The original series, not the... bastardization). Anyways, she's a much lesser-known muse. And my muse for her is wildly unreliable, she's a volatile and abrasive character, and my inspiration for her has run dry for awhile now...

if you HAD to choose, who’s your least favorite muse? Phobia. o_o See above, actually.

which one of your muses have you been playing the longest? Prooobably Dove? She was the one I started rping with, of course!

which one of your muses has the most ships? Ships in their canon, or ships in my rps? Because you're talking to a demigray here; I don't really do romance? But in my stories, Dove has 3 ships (all at different times in her life). In rps, Dove has been kinda-contemplating-it shipped a couple times, but never got to the point of, you know, kissing... and in fandom, Lapis probably has the most.

what is each of your muses’ otps? notps? ~ Dove and Srentha together~ (Don't have notps for them.) ~ Kary: food? sleep? Her canon boyfriend Eric ~ Leyla has a qpp named Toby in the stories. ~ Raven: I'm demonbirds trash. I don't even know how that happened, honestly. (Notps include B|BRae and, while not as strong of a NO in the jlvtt canon, ter/raven.) ~ Lapis Lazuli: OTP with Peridot! Intensely notp with jasper. ~ Blue Diamond: OTP with Yellow hardcore, no notps to speak of. ~ Phobia: Utterly unexplored??? I think she voluntarily abstains. ~ Ryou: OTP with Joey (thank my girlfriend for that one)! Notp with Yami Bakura, it’s absolutely 100% possibly my most violently-disgusted NOtp yet. Also with Diva because... What The Fuck??? But I won't rant about that just now. ~ Jess: I haven't really done much shipping, though Mistress and Trick are a hella canon, deeply bonded breeding couple. ~ Evangeline? Sorta-OTP with my gf's character Taex, though it's not exactly a ~romantic~ dynamic. Notp with Srentha, probably, considering she'd try to kill him, given the chance, and she’s pissed at Dove for marrying him.

why were you drawn to each one of your characters? Okay, listen, you can't just ask something like this and expect an easy answer! I could write an Actual Legitimate Essay on EACH ONE, because I only write a character when I'm Extremely Highkey Personally Emotionally Inspired by them!

UPDATE: I tried to summarize, I really did! But there's just so MUCH, and it turned into an essay on its own. --> https://beyondthetemples-ooc.tumblr.com/post/189837029682/why-were-you-drawn-to-each-one-of-your-characters

Summaries go like this: Dove is brave, complex enough to delve deeply in and constantly discover new facets of, and inspiring enough to create a positive experience while doing so. Srentha is fun, positive, and passionate, and legitimate ADHD representation. Leyla is a chill miracle child of creativity and quiet passion. Raven is the reason I'm still alive and perfectly reflected me at about age 14, so I have a very deep personal connection to her. Kary is so fun to explore because she's my polar opposite, as a temperamental pyrokinetic who revels in chaos and really just wants to have a good time. Evangeline is everything Dove suppresses, brought to life, so she's fun to explore as an extension of Dove! Lapis has a lot of struggles to explore and has done a lot of healing and growth that I'd like to expand on someday. Blue Diamond and Ryou Bakura were basically literally me, so I can explore the trauma and healing from their perspectives in a safe space. And Phobia? I just wanted to put characters' mettle to the test honestly, and see what would happen.

which muse is the most fun to write for? Oh, Srentha, absolutely hands down! Dove does have the best close-friends casual-fun kind of rp relationships, though. And Mistress the Mismagius has this sardonic teasing sense of humor that always makes me smile, especially with Murky (Murkrow).

is there another muse you’ve been thinking of adding or writing for? who? Oh stars, I don't need another one. =w= I've been... struggling to get my Ryou blog actually up and running for a long while now. Nobody new has inspired me lately, but I'm pretty stuck in my fandom ways.

what is something everyone should know about your muses before interacting? I stick it all in their bios! But, let's see... Dove: Even though she's Raven's half-sister, she keeps it DESPERATELY hidden, and nobody IC is supposed to know about that. Srentha is very deeply rooted in Azarathean pacifism and won't do much in battle besides help people retreat. Leyla has her father's heart condition and can't do anything too active. Kary will rarely use her powers, as conjuring even a simple spark stings her scar badly. Lapis is more than her toxic relationship! Blue Diamond is NOT the dictator she once was! Ryou does NOT want the spirit of the millennium ring in his life anymore! Jess just... sticks mostly to Sinnoh and rarely ever leaves. And Evangeline has a palpable evil aura about her; she makes SURE of it.

what’s a weird headcanon you have for each of your muses? Dove hates pie. Srentha loves colorful things. Leyla will cover everything in glitter if you let her. Kary will do anything for some good food and/or a nap. Ryou's hair is untamable. Lapis doesn't guard her gem as carefully as she should. Blue Diamond may be more emotional, but she won't sing about it as frequently as other Gems. Raven... doesn't wear underwear?

which muse has the most aus or verses? I mean, the Lapis I was writing for was 97% canon divergent. Evangeline only exists as her own person (and not merely a partition of Dove's mind) in a DCUO-compatible timeline. But I don't really do aus or verses otherwise; it's just more stressful for me.

can you sort your muses from youngest to oldest? Sorting based on the ages I'll generally play them: Leyla (8-14), Dove (15-25), Kary (18+), Ryou (19+), Srentha (20+), Jess (22+), Phobia (23+), Lapis (5k+), Blue Diamond (10k+).

which muse is most willing to fight another muse? Oh, definitely Kary. (She won't fight Dove or Leyla, even if there's a really good reason. And Srentha has this weird power of defusing her. But anyone else, she can easily be provoked to fight on a dime.) Or maybe Evangeline, who will fight anyone at any time for any reason whatsoever?

do your muses get along with each other? Evangeline gets along with nobody. Dove/Srentha/Leyla are all a very tight-knit family, and Kary considers herself Dove's sister and Leyla's aunt. I've thought about what might happen if Lapis met Blue Diamond, but I don’t have the faintest idea of how that'd go? I did start an RP once where Lapis met Dove, and I planned to have them bond over homesickness and purpose-seeking, but then I lost the ehd I had that prewritten on, and never had the heart to try rewriting it. Ryou and Jess kinda exist in their own universe's bubble. (Jess has a whole cast of Pokemon creature muses she very much gets along with, though~)

would you ship any of your muses together? who? Dove and Srentha are hella-canon endgame already, that's been decided for like 12 years!

for each muse, is there a character you wish had a blog so you could interact with them? You know, I've never really been one much for wishing like that. I do wish Dove had a stable Raven again, since both of my all-time favorite Raven rpers have left the rp circle... but that's about it, really.

have you ever considered making a multimuse/is it easier having a multimuse? I mean, my Pokemon blog has like 19 muses built into the breeding center... 8F But no, I prefer to keep my drafts, rps, and tag systems for each muse on separate sideblogs. Tumblr's tags break WAY too often to shove them all in one place. (And with a sideblog, I don't have to log in and out every time I want to check for replies!)

which muse is the most problematic towards other muses? Toss-up between Phobia and Evangeline, obviously. Blue Diamond is a reformed Gem, the way I play her. (I don't care what anyone says, THAT'S CANON as HELL too!) But Evangeline actively goes out of her way to hurt and/or sacrifice people to her own ends,

which muse is most likely to make new friends? Probably Leyla, though now that SU has sent out a message across the Gem universe that Gems are welcome on Earth, Lapis could wind up meeting quite a lot of new acquaintances. It's much harder to befriend her, though. Srentha has a lot of charismatic energy too, and he’ll go out and make friends with anyone, given the chance.

which muses’ fandom do you like the best? Ahhh, don't make me CHOOSE like that! ;; Fandom like being a fan of them, or fandom like, liking the other people in the fandom? Because Steven Universe, Teen Titans, and YuGiOh all have incredibly special places in my heart, while having Their Issues amongst the fandom... Pokemon seems to be the best mannered fandom though, especially amidst the RP community.

is there someone playing the same muse/s as you and you really look up to them? Ohgosh, well there's a blog called, I think, melancholeyes?, that plays Blue so well, it's like reading canon scenes. I did see a blog that played a Ryou I respected, but I can't remember their name... and of course Larissa and Pix played great Ravens, but each a different version.

which muse do people send the most asks for? Probably Dove, thanks in large part to Caleb!

which muse is most likely to have kids? Leyla is already Dove's kid, so... 8F

is there a rule that someone keeps breaking for your muses? Not to my knowledge, but my rules aren't strict anyways.

can you sort your muses from weakest to strongest? ...Oh, stars. How am I supposed to sort them? Well, let's try this.

Weakest to strongest in combat (based on their style of choice): Ryou, Leyla, Srentha, Phobia, Evangeline, Jess, Kary, Dove, Lapis, Blue Diamond, Raven. ( * i switched raven and blue diamond around SO many times. both are immensely powerful with god-like abilities, but raven can literally destroy reality itself. so...)

Weakest to strongest by strength of heart and character: Phobia, Evangeline, uh... Kary? Srentha...? Uh... frICK THIS ONE'S HARD. Because they're all so strong in their own ways. Probably Leyla? Next tier is probably Blue, Lapis, and Jess, and Dove, Raven, and Ryou are highest tier.

which muse are you considering deleting? Phobia, and maybe sometimes Blue. (I actually... never got a single RP or follower on Blue. I'm still debating if I really WANT to rp as her, at least on Tumblr, knowing how toxic the fandom can get around the Diamonds...)

most importantly, are you having fun playing each one of your muses? Pretty much! Especially Dove, Srentha, Leyla, and Raven!~ Raven's wit and clipped verbiage can be tricky to for me sometimes, but all it takes is a little tlc on her dialogue, and it doesn't slow down my enjoyment one bit. :} And when I'm in a Pokemon-hyperfocus mood, writing the Pokemon team is ALWAYS a blast! (Especially the Pokemon; their personalities are so dynamic together.) With muses like Lapis and Blue, and even Kary, the mood for their emotionality waxes and wanes, but I don't write for them unless I'm in The Right Frame of Mind to KEEP UP with them, you know? I never push myself in an rp until it's not fun anymore; at least I know where my writing burnout limits are.

Phobia and Evangeline are both sadistic, and when you're a compassionate person, that can be very hard to write out in the painstaking detail of my style. But sometimes my mind just Won't Shut UP about 'Vangie unless I WRITE IT OUT. Which is a good exercise of course, stretching my horizons and all that, and I do love writing the drama and conflict they stir up.

But beyond the momentary discomforts, I'm just so eager to explore their lives and minds and adventures, so yes, I absolutely DO have fun writing for each and every one!

#ooc rebloggables #questions list

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smallblanketfort · 6 years ago

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as someone who was raised without religion idk much about god. i have ideas on what i believe in but i’m not sure how strongly i back them. what is god to you? how do you even define the word ‘god’? can god be anything as long as he/she/they/it is something you believe in?

long post alert! first know that my belief in god is why i am here. this belief made this blog. this is such a lovely, big question i have been pondering. i am so so honored that you are asking. i think it’s important to remember that faith in god is really what you make of it. in the words of tyler joseph, “Faith is to be awake, and to be awake is for us to think.. you need to try to think.” remember this. your faith is your own to create.

just a note, this post will seem all over the place, but it’s only bc my belief in god is so intertwined with life philosophy and experience. i cannot separate these things.

first, things important to note in your faith journey // god as a being who loves questions and god as a being not defined by church or politics

as a bit of background, i grew up in christian churches, and i still call myself a christian. as i have gained life experience and developed my own identity, this has allowed me to ask more questions about the Bible and the traditional god.

don’t let questions scare you. questions are a healthy way to explore and get to know such enormous concepts such as the divine. questions get you answers.

don’t let your aggressive stop you. “Is it ever acceptable to be angry at God? I would suggest that it is not only acceptable, it may be one of the hallmarks of a truly religious person. It puts honesty ahead of flattery.”- Harold S. Kushner

often, churches may shoot down questions, but this is a hierarchal system speaking, not god. churches are made of people. they don’t speak for god, and i really need you to remember this. you don’t have to subscribe to everything a church says. question everything. the bible is absolutely full of people questioning and doubting and being angry with god- which is part of why i believe in it. it’s raw humanness, and it is okay. listen to cataracts by levi the poet, or at least the track big business. alternatively: “Every day I am afraid that he [Jesus] died for nothing because he is buried in our churches, because we have betrayed his revolution in our obedience to and fear of the authorities.”— excerpt from “A Radical Christian Creed” by Dorothee Soelle

god and genderso to begin, i recently tweeted about god being… gender queer, or simply without gender. the bible generally uses masc pronouns and titles like father, but i believe that an unlimited god cannot be constrained into human constructs. if we are all made in god’s image, god is not strictly male. to say god can only be male is to place societal, human constraint on the devine. the characteristics to describe the divine biblical “father” arent reserved for male in our society. god isnt human. i am getting into the practice of saying “the divine” or “they” pronouns to describe god. anyway- i do believe in the trinity (god, son, holy spirit, more on this towards the bottom) so they is absolutely a christian term.

god and love and evili believe god is a loving, creating force. i often hear people asking “why does god allow this” and frankly, i can’t relate. if i believe in a good force, i have to believe in an evil force as well. if i believe in good and evil, i have to also believe they are at odds, fighting a spiritual warfare. i also hate the phrase “it happens for a reason.” sure, maybe. but your tragedy is tragedy. your chaos/trauma/pain is chaos/trauma/pain, not a lesson by default. however, since i do believe god is a loving, creating force, i believe that god can find something good to give you out of everything. perhaps we might not discover this good for years, or maybe the good will be something that you don’t experience, but, for example, perhaps telling your story saves someone else.

everything good as an echo to the divinealong with that, i believe everything good in the world is created by god, and thus an extension / connection to the divine. this helps me overcome depression and anxiety. i can wake up every day and say, wow, look at all this faith entertained: the sky and its clouds. leaves. the way milky chai tastes. music somehow exists and transcends space and time?? people love hugs? animals like pats? science!! sweaters are dope, they change our body temperature. the fuel that keeps us going tastes good??? what even is taste? can you believe color is just light unabsorbed? incredible. thank you.this type of gratitude is indeed a practice, something to work on daily. it’s not always easy. i don’t want to act like it’s an easy cure to mental illness. it’s a practice that def helps me tho.

including all peoplewhich extends towards people. i love the phrase namaste: the divine light in me recognizes and honors the divine light in you. suddenly, everyone is valuable. everyone is created. everyone is experiencing the world. it makes kindness much easier. this is why i don’t understand most phobias… how can one say a divine creator didn’t mean to create different flavors of love?! it’s beautiful.

let me say that again: all peoplei want to get this straight, esp w our… political climate. this post say it better than i can: the immigrant apostle creed and the litany for the dreamers. i also think it’s interesting to remember that many native americans believe that trans people are closer to the divine, bc of points i made earlier- god can’t really be boxed into a gender. also, i believe in a feminist jesus that was a child refugee and a homeless man who experienced suicidal thoughts and anxiety. (i’ll try to link references when i get home)

other religions and my godi study a lot of buddhism and other religions. i like to understand things. i love buddhism, and i believe it, but i think that having faith in this god offers depth and purpose. where buddhism empties, yeshua, the christian jesus, fills. it’s service to ease the pain of the earth, out of love. that’s it.

faith as movementwhich is also to say, yes, shitty people exist, and i can easily become so. it’s an uphill battle, but i like to view living as becoming closer to the person i was created to be. as we live, we have all these sides giving us input, shaping us. what we believe shifts who we are. we need to be selective as to which voices we are buying into. are these voices bringing us closer to the loving, whole person we are created to be?

god as a forgiving figurei believe god is forgiving. again, i believe in an evil force too, but i believe that god’s doors stay open. this isn’t an end.

everything is a gift / god in everythingwhich brings it full circle. i believe god’s hand is in all the beautiful things. the giggly groupchats and sleep overs. the gasps of surprised joy and the dark chocolate. love love love love so many types of love. comfy beds. so much can be a religious experience.

further reading, from twenty one pilots to tags to the message-

i encourage you to also take a peek at my thread on coping mechanisms in twenty one pilots’ discography. it’s extremely difficult for me to separate top from my faith.

as for the trinity… just as i have different facets (daughter, friend, lover, coworker, etc) i believe that god can have different facets as well- the divine figure who is all knowing, the figure who has experiences humanness, and the spirit that comes closer, inhibiting the rest. tbr, i don’t find this concept extremely important. it’s all god to me, whatever.

again, thank you so so much for giving me space to talk about this. it’s so generous and kind and open of you. i am genuinely honored. it’s something that is very engrained into the way i see the world, tho i know i do not speak of it often. it’s difficult for me to find the vocabulary for something that is so based on feeling and experience for me.

if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask! i’d really love the dialogue.

if you want a jumping off place for what i believe, the message bible is really cool. you can read it in book form from your library, or online for free. start at luke, or matthew/mark/john- just any of the four books about jesus. read the words, not what you’ve heard in politics or church. i can’t stress this enough. the more i read, the less i see a connection between these institutions.

i also have a faith tag on my personal blog. you can get a feel for what i believe here.

i hope that was vaguely interesting to someone :)) again feel free to ask any questions

xxx you are loved for who you are and the true you you are becoming

#anon #faith

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dirtycreekwater · 7 years ago

Text

ok my irl best friend requested a platonic Prinxiety for number 11 from the writing prompt so here have a shitty, messy drabble thing idek.

prompt: “If you keep squeezing that hard, you’ll break my hand.”

warning for very small amount of hurt/comfort. but mostly this is just a silly, kinda fluffy piece.

“Anxiety!” Roman yelled cheerfully, and a little too loudly, startling the anxious facet who was sat on the couch, listening to his music.

“Jesus.. What, Princey? Is my presence just annoying you that much?” Anxiety asked, staring up at the annoying man in confusion.

Roman pouted at his harsh tone, and crossed his arms.

“Why do you always assume that I’m annoyed with you?”

Anxiety scoffed.

“Because you literally always are.”

Roman pursed his lips trying to think of what to say next. The more he thought about it the more he realized he didn’t necessarily have a reason to be bothering Anxiety at this exact moment. Maybe he just missed their childish bickering. It had been a while since they picked on each other, and as annoying as it was it was also kind of fun.

“Maybe I just want to hang out with you!” Roman threw his hands up in defense which made Anxiety flinch a bit.

“Sir sing a lot wants to hang out with the emo nightmare?” Anxiety scoffed as he looked away. “Okay, real funny. Who put you up to this? Logan, right? Makes the most sense. Patton actually likes me, and couldn’t ever hurt someone like this.”

Roman’s frown deepened as he listened to Anxiety’s heart wrenching words.

“Anxiety. No one put me up to anything. I’m here on my own accord.” Roman stated truthfully. Anxiety looked back at him in disbelief.

“Yeah, okay.” Anxiety replied sarcastically, and shook his head. He refused to believe this. It didn’t make sense. They always hated when the other appeared, and were always bickering. Why would he want to spend time with someone that drives him crazy?

“Do you trust me?” Roman said with a hand held out bringing Anxiety back to earth.

“What? Dude, your Aladdin shtick isn’t gonna work-”

“Do. you. trust. me?” Roman repeated making Anxiety roll his eyes as hard as he possibly could.

“Yeah, sure. Whatever.” Anxiety replied in an annoyed tone still not accepting Roman’s hand.

“If you trust me you’ll take my hand.”

Anxiety stared at his hand then looked back up at him with a look of repulsion.

“Then I guess I don’t trust you.” Anxiety replied, smirking.

Roman huffed in defeat, and sat next to Anxiety.

“You tried, you failed, I’m going to sleep.” Anxiety said as he started to get up. He was quickly pulled back down by Roman.

“Anxiety. Hang out with meeee.” Roman was whining now, and Anxiety couldn’t believe that this was his life right now.

“If I hang out with you, you have to promise to never grab me again, and please for the love of everything good never whine like that again. Especially not for me.” Anxiety said still wearing a look of disgust.

Anxiety was confused when he was met with silence. He looked at Roman to see what the problem was, and immediately regretted it.

Roman had his pinky finger held out, and a stupid grin on his face.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Anxiety sighed as he stared at the pinky.

“Come onnnn…” Roman encouraged making Anxiety groan.

“You’re such a child.” Anxiety said as he reluctantly wrapped his pinky around Roman’s.

“I know you are, but what am I?” Roman asked in a childish tone.

Anxiety shot him a look that said “really?” He quickly shut up.

“So, what are we doing?” Anxiety asked in a bored tone. He was already hating this.

“We could watch movies!” Roman exclaimed.

“Let me guess. Disney?” Anxiety groaned. He loved Disney almost as much as Roman did, but he’d be lying if he didn’t say he was a little sick of it.

“Well.. no. Perhaps we could watch a movie of your choosing?” Roman suggested.

Anxiety’s mouth twisted into a mischievous smirk which greatly worried the prince.

“Yeah, sure. Gimme a sec.” Anxiety said as he snapped & vanished.

Roman could hear the mischief in his voice. He wasn’t sure if he liked it.

A few seconds later Anxiety returned, startling Roman. He had about five DVDs in his hands.

“Are those what I think they are?” Roman asked hesitantly.

“If you’re thinking a few of my favorites from my creepy and disturbing horror movie collection then you’d be correct.” Anxiety’s smirk widened as he watched Roman cower in fear. He was going to enjoy this.

Or so he thought.

A few hours later they were on their third movie.

They couldn’t tell when it happened, maybe between the first and second, but Roman & Anxiety were huddled together in fear.

They were even holding hands.

Roman vaguely remembers grabbing Anxiety’s hand towards the middle of the second movie. He sensed Anxiety’s nerves, and while he was terrified himself he felt he had a duty to protect his anxious friend.

Anxiety doesn’t remember. Everything’s been a terrifying blur of scary noises, and heart attack inducing jumpscares. He does remember screaming a few times however, and that Roman was there. And as long as Roman was there nothing could hurt him. He was a dragon slaying prince after all.

“Anxiety?” Roman said softly as he didn’t want to startle him.

“W-What, Roman?” Anxiety’s voice was shaky making Roman worry even more.

Maybe some light hearted humor would help.

“If you keep squeezing that hard, you’ll break my hand.” Roman chuckled as he glanced at their hands then back to Anxiety who was now blushing.

Anxiety’s hand was paper white from the death grip he had on Roman juxtaposed with the rose tint in his cheeks. Roman wouldn’t dare say it out loud, but he found it kind of cute.

“Oh, shut up, Princey. You’ve squeezed my hand just as tight since this movie started, and nothing’s even happened.”

Anxiety huffed angrily as he let go of Roman’s hand.

Roman frowned, and quickly took Anxiety’s hand back in his.

“It’s okay, Anx. You can break my hand if it makes you feel better.” Roman smirked.

Anxiety rolled his eyes.

“I don’t need to do anything. I’m fine.”

However this statement was quickly made false as a shadowy figure on the staircase made him scream and jump.

The lights immediately flickered on revealing a tired, and confused looking Logan.

“What are you two doing?” Logan asked as he stared at the two terrified facets in confusion.

“Well, obviously we’re having sex. Why do you think Anxiety was screaming so much? Thanks for interrupting.” Roman replied sarcastically leaving Logan completely speechless.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, ROMAN!”

Roman immediately bursted into a fit of giggles at Anxiety’s outburst, and slid off the couch so he could avoid being hit by the angry facet.

“I.. I can’t deal with this. I’m going back to bed.” Logan said in a tone that implied he was completely done with the others ridiculous antics as he headed back upstairs. He didn’t even bother to turn the lights off again.

A few minutes later Roman’s laughter died down, and he now had to face the consequences of his childish humor.

He could feel Anxiety’s eyes burning into his skull. He reluctantly turned around to meet his gaze.

“Anxiety..” Roman started hoping he wasn’t too angry.

“Just shut up, and finish these stupid movies with me.” Anxiety sighed as he laid back in his original spot.

“You’re not mad?” Roman asked as he took his spot back next to Anxiety.

“Well, I’m not exactly ecstatic over the fact that you told Logan we were fucking, but the look on his face was kinda funny. Messing with Logan is fun. So, I’ll give you some props.” Anxiety said as he fiddled with the tv remote, ready to play the movie again.

Roman hummed in response as a self satisfied smirk grew on his lips. Anxiety rolled his eyes, and playfully punched him on the arm.

“That doesn’t mean you’re totally off the hook. I’ll get you back at some point.” Anxiety said making Roman frown.

“Well, it’s a good thing I have blackmail.” Roman said making Anxiety scoff.

“Yeah, okay.”

Instead of saying anything Roman unlocked his phone, and showed Anxiety the picture he took of their hands.

“Princey, I swear to god I’m gonna fucking kill you.” Anxiety said as he tried to snatch Roman’s phone away, but to no avail.

“I won’t show the others, or the fanders if you promise to not get revenge on me.” Roman offered.

“Fine, whatever. Can we just get back to the stupid movie now?” Anxiety asked impatiently.

Roman nodded so Anxiety resumed the movie. Unfortunately for them they paused just moments before a scary part.

Anxiety shrieked, and immediately grabbed Roman’s hand again.

Roman smirked as he looked over at the scared boy.

“How did we go from you absolutely refusing to take my hand to you practically breaking it every time you get scared in merely a few hours?”

“The same way you went from being a somewhat decent friend back to an idiotic asshole again.” Anxiety replied, never taking his eyes off the movie.

“Touché, Anxiety. Touché.”

#this isn't even good #i kinda rushed this #oh well #thomas sanders #thomas sanders fanfiction #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides #prinxiety #platonic prinxiety #brotp #brotp prinxiety #logan sanders #roman sanders #anxiety sanders #olisfics

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years ago

Text

Life Story Part 52 (it’s been too long)

And so, after leaving my old life behind for a new school in Moscow, being that I for the first time in my life was taken away from my repetitive, abusive and small system that I had always known, I found myself at odds with myself in a way I had never really had to be before. Leaving Kendrick behind, though it might have been born from some kind of strange illusion that Kendrick alone was my only problem and that leaving that town would automatically boost me into stardom the likes of which those who had always known me could never have possibly imagined. This turned out not to be the case. But it still did me unimaginable good and is the reason I am able to write and conduct myself. Honestly, having left Kendrick when I did, having met the very specifically trained teachers that I was introduced to might have been one of the few things that kept me alive as long as I have been. It's most definitely the reason I am here, able to write about my life as I am.

I was busy getting on with my new life, but that doesn't mean that for one single instance, Zack wasn't still somewhere in my thoughts, and it might have been one of those tiny facets that helped me struggle through my new life in the Moscow alt. School. I still thought about Zack everyday, every morning I woke up to get ready for school and every night as I waited to sleep. In the night Kendrick air, I could sometimes hear the screeching of the wheels of a car so dilapidated it was a wonder it even drove. And I knew in my heart of hearts, it was Zack, at least half the time. And every time I looked up at the blue sky, I had this almost eerie imagine in my mind imprinted of looking up at him from the curb in front of the school parking lot, the trees in the backdrop an impossible golden orange, the sky a profoundly deep baby blue, and his eyes peering down at me. They say that feelings fade with time. Instead, it almost seemed as though the feelings I had had in my early teens only became more and more in depth the more that I grew. And it wasn't going away. I loved Zack still. I imagined he was partying with his friends, and surely by that time had more or less forgotten about me – while I was in class trying to get the gist of a new form of thinking that was exploding everything I knew and forcing me to face myself in a way that separated me from my lower middle class, upper lower class roots. It was very painful for me – it certainly didn't bring the best out at me at times, an in many ways to feel separated from myself, even more so than it separated me from everyone I had ever held dear.

And in that lonely sadness, I guess some spiritual desperateness sank in, and I tried my very best to reach out to him psychically some how in secret. And though I never saw Zack, I almost felt like he knew. There had to be some reason for us meeting in life. What had happened had not been ordinary. The fall of 2003 had been – looking back from 2005 almost supernatural in nature. Nobody knew that I was still in love with Zack. I guess for most people, something like that just couldn't make sense with how their emotional make up existed in the world, and I have always been one to sentimentalize everything to death. It was so born from my innermost mind, in the places that precede formed thoughts. I always felt that he received my brainwaves, at least subconsciously. I really believed that we had made a meaningful connection, like an eternal bond that could not be broken. I felt like he thought of me too. I don't know if that was truly my psychic knowing, or if it was simply something I made up to make life seem more meaningful. But that is how it was then.

Sarah used to work for this couple that lived up in the hills. Their names were Matt and Greg – a gay couple (controversial to the small town of Kendrick) that worked for the university and have nice jobs and a bit of land they lived on. Sarah's mother often times did work for them, and Sarah occasionally went up there as well to make extra money -often to pay for our gas, which I feel she ended up paying for more than I did. There was one day that I went up there to work with Sarah, and it was to be my first real day of hard work. This isn't to say that I hadn't been a hard worker up to that point or that I had not been given tasks that were challenging for me. Work for me was more commonly me standing in place, suffering in slow motion for no pay. And I had always been one to shirk physical labor – not so much out of laziness, but a feeling of defiance at being forced into things. Also, I had never been paid before. The work I had done over the years had always been my father using me as free labor, and there never seemed to be much of a connection for me between getting paid and doing stuff. It was something I had never entertained before really. Sarah told me that she was going to do some work up there that needed done and they needed a second hand. And they promised 10$ an hour, and I had never even been paid 3$. W got paid to carry these ten foot boards from a pile out in their driveway, all the way to this barn that was down the way, and then we needed to nicely stack them perfectly – which took us eight hours, and I nearly fell to pieces.

I made 80$ doing it, which of course I wasted – as I had rarely ever had that much money on me and didn't quite understand that charms of holding onto money and desperately wanted to spend it. You don't know how to be rich until you've had money. I distinctly recall that Matt and Greg's home was beautiful, and they were both – though fairly introverted, very nice as well. The inside of their house was rustic and old and new at the same time in this really tasteful way that demonstrated class. There was a lot of unconventional aspects of their house – rooms that you had to use a ladder to get to, there was a spiral staircase. Perfect light came in through the windows in some rooms that was an artists dream – you can't beat natural light. It was a very pleasant home – even though it was out in the middle of nowhere.

And then one day, I received a visit from an old friend, someone I never thought I would see again. I was sitting at my computer, minding my own business when I heard a knock at the door. There was a blonde girl standing there – who looked familiar and didn't at the same time, with another girl I didn't recognize. It was Rachelle, my childhood friend who moved away when I was in fourth or fifth grade – after which everything went to hell for me. She had come to visit with er mother in a very rare trip up north. The other girl was a friend of hers from Twin Falls. They had made a rare trip up here to see some people, and she had decided to knock on the old door to see if I still lived in the same home. I was sort of in shock, and I think in this really weird way, sort of defensive – which does sound rather odd, but it had been painful to lose her as a friend. It had certainly been one of the first major kicks in the teeth life had dished out to me in my early life. In my young mind, I had had to make her not exist anymore. It was the only way for me to carry on and start anew. And her standing at the doorway was the reminder that Rachelle was every bit alive and dynamic as she ever had been – we had simply been forcibly removed from each other's lives and we had on our own taken drastically different paths. It might too have been because I knew I had been the one who had stopped writing her. Rachelle had actually written me a few times in the first year or two of her move, and it had been I who had not responded to her letters, which must have hurt her feelings... And I had built walls around that discomfort. So for Rachelle to simply exist in real life after seven years was emotionally confusing for me and caused me to probably seem really dull and closed off.

I ended up traveling to the park with her and her friend. For the most part, it was a little awkward for me. I was clearly a much different person. I was very alternative, I liked The White Stripes a whole lot. Rachelle was very chatty, but mostly about how excited she was to be joining the cheerleading team, and how she had done some bad things, but was now getting her life back on track. She liked what was on the radio, she thought the guys in boy bands were attractive. She loved partying. She had recently lost her virginity, and like most young girls when they lose their virginity, it was mostly all that she wanted to talk about. I could tell her about the poetry of my unrequited love, but it was somehow so far removed from her exploits even though it was also on the topic of romance that it didn't seem proper to mention it. There are a lot of girls in school who, if you haven't slept with someone or intend to very soon, the feelings just don't seem that interesting in and of themselves, or relevant. And that was the sort of girl Rachelle was. And with everything that had happened with me all the years, I found it was difficult to relate to her. She'd partied a lot. I had spent most of my time secluded in my bedroom, hiding - contemplating. It was strange dynamic. And at one time, we had been nearly identical. If I had been older of course, I could have breached that border fairly easy, as I now have a sort of understanding that Paris Hilton and Quasi Moto have more in common deep down than one might think. But those terms of understanding didn't occur to me till a bit later on in life.

It ultimately ended as a brief and empty hello and a brief and empty goodbye. And of course, as I mentioned a while ago, Rachelle died on her 21st birthday of an Oxycontin overdose.

There were some things that disappointed me about my new school; it bothered me that nobody hated me – I was emotionally ill equipped to handle being assumed an equal to the degree that it seemed to border on mental illness for me and I longed in many ways for the times in which I stood before a classroom full of conservative right wing cowboys, basic small-town cheerleaders and a few methheads sprinkled in – all of whom hated me and gave me strength and a sense of purpose for that very reason. I needed to be hated. It's kind of how I came to be a person. It was the fish tank water that I was acclimated to, however unhealthy. To have people who looked you in the eye, who complimented your t-shirt, who listened to what you were saying it was all too much. I had never experienced such cognitive dissonance before in my life with who I thought myself to be versus how I was being treated, and I reacted like an insane child. It didn't show too much, but at times it did, and if anything kept me back from doing my best, this was probably my number one reason. I instinctively needed to be hated. It was also quite hard that I would have to read in front of my new classmates and actually do my work while I was in class rather than slack off as I had been for the last six or seven years. I had social anxiety to the extreme – to the point it almost caused me to pass out, and the only cure for it is if I knew others hated me – which would instantly both energize me and pacify me. It was a major culture shock for me not to be the weird one anymore. I had troubles not taking it as some kind of insult that people didn't regard me in some way as being the most despisible edgy one in the room anymore.

But I also was the work itself and how one came to prove anything that really got to me. I was those first three months of school, unable to conceptualize the meaning of a thesis. I understood the point nor the technique of it. I was sixteen and had no idea what anyone needed to prove anything for. I had always believed in whatever I felt was right. The idea of questioning one's sources of their beliefs was honestly something that nobody had ever suggested to me, and I emotionally apposed the very idea of proving your point with logic. Of course, to a degree we all use logic and the scientific method in life to ascertain information on a practical level, often without realizing that we are doing it. But to me, you killed art when you had to explain why things were the way they were. I was deeply offended at the idea of proving a thesis and I felt like the teachers in the alternative school were at war with who I was as an individual.

And maybe from a realistic standpoint one could argue that a person really doesn't need to be able to conceptualize and prove a thesis to get by in life. Most of our human ancestors didn't need to understand how to build a belief system grounded in reality. They relied on their perceptions and instincts. And in those perceptions and instincts, it can be argued that they were privvy to great truths. And much can be said for the beauty that is to be harnessed from the imagination of human beings, though it also is very much a matter of opinion, since that same form of thinking was what brought about religions and any excuse in the book to be all too cruel to one another. And I still don't meet many people who really truly want to be right in life for the sake of truth seeking. Most of the people I know who aren't very logical in their approach in life, want to be right so they can feel powerful or validated. It's also very discomforting and ego bruising. When you take a step into the world of logic, your perceptions are faulty and you are no longer the center of the universe.. It's a way of living that is very much rooted in personal experiences. This was literally all I knew. I don't think I ever applied logic to my beliefs. Silently, be I right or be I wrong, I was always basing all of my life decisions, my identity, my means of maneuvering through life only on gut instinct and assumptions alone. If I turned to someone else, I took what they said as if it were gospel, and I had only ever really done that with Zack. I was right because I was right. I didn't want to be made small by a world in which my ideas needed to be challenged.

However, I will still argue that personal experiences, feelings and gut instincts are not worthless in academia as some might argue. They are the source of what we even conceptualize and maybe still the first place we should look to when we are sorting out the intricate building blocks of ideas. As twelve years have passed since my time in the alternative school, I now don't see logic and emotion as being at odds with one another as I once did. Understanding music theory doesn't make someone a worse musician, nor do those it make those who don't understand music theory bad musicians. The perceptions of the common, dull and uneducated are not worthless. Their feelings and output has some value to the whole. I do not wish to cast aside the characters in my life who made me who I was up till the age of sixteen or what they taught me. But at the age of sixteen, I was forced to take an uncomfortable step outside of myself, and this step back was a turning point in my life that set me aside from the rest of my family. For many if not most young people around the age I was then, drugs and sex are the life changers. For me, it was actually learning to ask questions and to find answers which ended up taking me on a very philosophical path.

So, for this reason, my first major paper was a dismal disaster, and the second one was only a little better. We didn't get little multiple choice papers for homework. We really were only given three or four assignments for an entire semester, and those assignments had to be done well. They didn't accept D's. I had sometimes in life gotten by as a D student, and they had a system where D was not acceptable. You got 75% or higher, or you failed. It was as simple as that. I couldn't also just not do the work. If you didn't do the work, you would probably fail, and they would kick you out of school for it. So I knew I had to try. We had to go back over what we had done and assess our own work for weeks. We had to spend real time researching. And of course, I was so insecure with challenging my own assumptions and being made to feel wrong and all the insecurity and feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness that came with that that it was quite unpleasant for me at first, and made me panic emotionally and react quite rudely towards my teachers, who patiently put up with my ignorant retorts to their sensible attempts to gently adjust me to a world that I for the first time in my life, had to actually try at and put forth participation in.

My first essay was so dumb. It was basically, based on what Zack had told me, that freemasons ran the planet. I didn't know why I believed it, other than Zack had said it. I didn't even have the understanding to break it down to world economics, governments, war, media. I had no way of breaking down this argument because I didn't know how, but emotionally it was personal for me, since I wanted to hold onto everything Zack had once told me as being golden and pure and all-truthful. Why would I break a gift from someone I revered so much?

This was where I first came head to head with Mike, my teacher. These classes of his that we took I soon learned were more than your conventional classroom lessons. This school was low-key dedicated to reprogramming lower class kids, often from bad homes into actually being able to articulate their own thoughts and feelings and to make decisions that were complex and helped us escape our own destiny's. His goal was to take poor kids with little hope – such as myself, and turn us all into far more than what the public school curriculum wanted of us. He wanted to train us to excede the kids in public schools and actually ready us for college level work. So our essays and lessons were modeled after second or third year college courses in a university. Mike was a very rare sort of person in this way. I must have been a painful student to have. I made things really hard. I knew I was being manipulated and of course I fought back. But I owe him a lot – he was right and I was indeed wrong.

Mike also didn't much like or care for our parents – with the exception of a small handful in the room. He made it known, but was really crafty and close with us about how and why he felt that way. And for most of us, him and his wife Jenni, the school counselor who we signed up for the school in the first place with, they really were far more like parents. He seemed to study us and understand us like most teachers and parents never did. And he was able to work with each of us on an individual basis to help us become the most we could be. His intentions, I am more or less positive of, were to intentionally meant to systematically brainwash us against our alcoholic, selfish, overworked, lower class, methed out, emotionally crippled aged bitter crazy parents. So we could not only not only feel divorced from our troubled upbringings, but we could also become different people than they were. I think, in his own way, he wanted to rebuild society – though I am sure he knew it would not be enough. He went about this whole thing in a way that was very under the radar. We all learned to trust Mike and Jenni more than our families. Mike, Jenni, Mary Kay and the rest knew all of our personal lives. They knew more about us than our parents did. Soon, the school itself seemed more like home for me than home did – so even though I fought back against the school, the school became were I lived psychologically. I actually felt safer at school than I did anywhere else. Added to that, was I never was home anymore except at night to sleep and put my make up on in the morning, so I rarely saw my father or even my siblings. On weekends I spent all my time up at Sarah's house, and often times I just slept there instead. I was rapidly becoming a different person, or maybe it wasn't so much that I was becoming a different person, but I was molding into the person I had the potential of becoming.

I had of course, no way to prove that freemasons ran the planet, and by planet, what did I even mean? I spent an entire month looking at conspiracy theory websites, quoting them as fact, and siting no sources. They contradicted one another. They were often times written by anonymous unstable communists, or anonymous unstable right-wingers. I didn't even know how to make a real distinction. Often these articles didn't even have an author. They put Alex Jones himself to shame. We would sometimes be taken to this library that was part of the university. I think it held the title of the biggest library in the state of Idaho. It was many stories tall, and the stories themselves seemed enormous. You could easily spend a lifetime in there. It might have been one of the best places I had ever been to. Even in this library, I only found a few books that were about freemasons, and all of them were very difficult reads, often times talking about the different chapters of freemasons. What's more, I grew to learn that many of the old people in the town of Kendrick were masons. I knew them well, and there was no way that any of them held any malice or even enough understanding of society to have any real influence in it. In the end, I had a twenty page essay written about nothingness. My sentences didn't even flow very nicely. Out of all the students in that class, I seemed the most doomed to failure.

Perhaps, had I picked very specific ways of presenting the issues I seemed to think I believed in, and I had pulled them apart piece by piece and only picked one avenue that was provable, I might have had better luck instead of taking on the whole world. Heck even if freemasons did run the whole planet (they don't), it would have been impossible for me to make the case with the limitations that I had. The paper I ended up slaving over and handing in was worthless. And over the course of a grueling month, 120hours spent on this paper, a part of me was defeated. I fought with Mike the whole way. It took hours of one on one time of him sitting down with me, asking me questions, breaking down my mental frame of mind just to try to understand me enough to know how to communicate with me, and I fought him for most of it – because it hurt my pride to admit that I didn't know things. I wanted to prove to Mike that I was really somehow above the rest of the classmates – me, the conspiracy theorist – the one with her eyes wide open and the rest living in complete ignorance. They were prisoners of their own ignorance, and I some kind of truth teller. It really was something.

My second paper was on something almost as bad, but a little better. After the first month of writing and research, I wanted to pick something I actually cared about. The whole freemason thing, trying to research and find proof of the impossible had made me realize instinctively that believing in the conspiracy theory was something I did because Zack had wanted me to believe in it, and also because it fulfilled some kind of void in my own feelings. It represented that I did instinctively understand that there were things wrong with society. And as much as I didn't understand this on the first day of school, history was indeed very important. Mike gave me a C, even though we both kind of knew I had turned in a D- paper at the very best. The paper was absolutely ungradeable. He gave me the C because he knew I had problems at this point, and I think even the act of me finishing an assignment was such a jump from whatever I was used to, that he had to see it as a major improvement from who I had been when I first walked into their school. He didn't want to fail me before I had a chance to improve on what I had learned. The first paper was more of a lesson in life than it was a lesson of academics.

My second paper's thesis was about grunge music – again, something I cared about but indirectly related to Zack, only in the fact that he had always gone for being Kurt Cobain's twin. I wanted to point out that bands like Nickelback, Three Doors Down and such somehow took elements of grunge and somehow made it plastic and turned it into some kind of cliché product that sounded terrible. I focused mainly on how much I didn't like these bands. What I might have been trying to get at, though I lacked the knowledge or understanding on those terms, was to demonstrate the folly of how movements form and how they become their own worst enemies. I might have been making a case against capitalism, and against consumerism. I might have wanted to demonstrate or point out that integrity in art makes the end product better. But how could I prove any of that without actually having a philosophical opinion of Aesthetics that I could demonstrate and prove? Stand behind the fact that a band like Creed still does suck to me, how does one demonstrate that something factually sucks outside of their own perceptions of it. How can you possibly know if something is externally 'good' or not? I was an objectivist because I didn't know how to question myself. I just believed that when something felt good, or seemed good, it was good.

So then, I spent another month writing another enormous paper. I had thought that sifting through old music magazines, old articles about the bands I liked from the early 90's would be enjoyable, but it turns out, I hated writing about music. Who knew, since I love writing and I loved music, and I still write about it to a limited degree. But a lot of writing on art, film and music is pure hype and has no baring or meaning whatsoever. It could do little to prove my objective theory that what sounded good was good. As much as I hate Creed, how could I even really demonstrate what I was trying to say. I think the idea truly came to me to write about grunge from a place where I just wanted to talk about how awesome Mudhoney was. Because that was really all there was to it. I wanted to make my case.

I think if I wrote this paper today, I could have made some very valid points by pointing out how modern music is sold, advertised, how it is written, who decides what will be a hit. It is almost political and economic in a way. I could have taken it to the study of aesthetics itself and argued some kind of point. But I wouldn't have the egotism it took to think it was worth my time these days. I don't care if you like Creed. People can like whatever they want, and what doesn't speak to one person can mean an awful lot to another. I am not some kind of musical taste genius who has the right to go about trashing others tastes. Yes, I still have some opinions, but I grow everyday. There isn't too many days that roll by where I don't find something about my previous understanding that wasn't incomplete or incorrect in some way, and that's a good thing – not a bad thing. I really was just trying to prove how special I was for my interests here. It was coming from a far more legitimate place than the whole freemason thing came from, but it still was egotistical and lame. And spending this second month looking at a paper I was so tired of writing I could barely tolerate it, made me take the much needed step down from my pedestal. Mike gave me a C+ on this paper, and it probably was a C+ this time. I had gone through the grueling task of citing my sources, and being thorough in a few small points I tried to make, as limited in understanding as those points actually were.

On a side note, Mike also hated that kind of music so that helped. Though he had never really been into grunge. Mike was all about English punk music from the late 70's and early 80's. His favorite bands were The Jam and Billy Bragg.

I sort of hated Mike for the first month in a half. He had a way of getting inside your head. He was always ridiculously passionate about teaching us, ridiculously thorough in explaining or answering our questions, and he seemed very dedicated and relentless. I wasn't really allowed to escape being reprogrammed and nothing like this had ever happened before. As for Sarah, she struggled through it as well, but she was a lot more clear minded when it came to picking topics that weren't over the top egotistical that wouldn't destroy her mental framework. She ended up writing about atheism, which is a lot easier to examine, read about and write about than what I picked was. She didn't come head to head with Mike like I did. It wasn't that I ever yelled at Mike. I just tried to be obscure, was sarcastic when he asked questions. I would just shake my head no at him. I would likely be embarrassed if I had a visual of my proud ignorance and reactionary emotional response to everything he tried to help me with.

Many of the other students had been going to school at the alternative school for years, and working through these essays was something they were capable of doing. Many of these kids I would have assumed were somehow inferior to me in some way, they had drug issues, their were a few pregnant girls in the mix. Their lives were rough. Some of them were emancipated or had mental health problems. I had problems too, but I had this way of dealing with it that was almost like I was somehow perfect and other people were less than me. It had come upon me slowly growing up. It wasn't that I was not humbled often, or a kind person. I was. But I had learned some bad habits of believing myself to be superior – half of it based on Zack telling me I was special. In reality, my fragile baseless sense of superiority probably made me more fragile than the rest of these students.

These young girls and boys I went to class with were ten times tougher than me, more emotionally balanced – and had had it rougher than me in many ways. Even if their problems were ongoing and made their lives difficult, even if they had criminal records and babies at home who they didn't know who the fathers were, they were much more balanced than I was. They knew their own faults and worked on them everyday. They said what the felt and their was a sense of honesty and care that they put towards one another. I was far more lost then them, and after awhile, I came to realize this for what it was. And most of them understood what it meant to prove their point with evidence. They also struggled with Mike at some point, but they figured it out. And Mike had taught a lot of them how to care. They often chose to write about problems related to the criminal justice system, healthcare, the environment, the war on drugs – the kinds of things that impact the poor the most, but somehow seem to be the least understood by the poor and those who are most effected by it. Things I knew very little about. I had struggled, but instead of facing what had happened, I had somehow been taken in by a fantasy land around the time that I had met Zack. I was actually put to shame by these warrior like other girls, and Mike was creating informed citizens out of these so called leftovers of society.

He also didn't let us treat each other badly. Nobody was ever rude to me for that entire year. There were no situations where I was sexually harassed. I was given space. People were good natured towards me. I didn't have a lot in common with these students. Many of them were into the Grateful Dead and third wave ska. I just wasn't. By nature, I tend to be a little bit more exacting and darker by nature. But they were all nice to me. The few who didn't seem to be able to know how to be kind left within three weeks. As soon as he saw one young guy say something rude to another girl, he looked that boy straight in the eye during class, told him to take his things and leave. He didn't give warnings. You either respected one another or you left. There was even a time when one of the stranger girls in the class who seemed to have emotional outbursts every four seconds, who came from an abusive environment and seemed to want attention often wrote an essay about how much she loved her grandfather. She started crying in class as she read it, and due to the highly emotional nature of this essay, many people in the class – though they said nothing and didn't react openly, seemed taken aback and nervous by her essay. It probably made a few of them make microexpressions of distaste. You can feel that very clearly in a room of people. Mike didn't let this pass. I never knew a teacher who jumped at this. He explained what we had done, and he warned us all that he could tell that we had judged her and laughed at her and made her feel anxious and small. We didn't need to say anything. We had done it with our eyes.

Lastly, I struggled with my diet. Over the summer, I had been free to starve, to control everything I ate and did. I had managed to lose fifteen pounds even with the mysterious health problems of being unable to lose weight like most people. Spending all this time in class prevented me from getting the exercise I needed. I craved sugar so much it made me shake. And there was always free cake in the kitchen. So I ended up eating too much cake. I probably needed the calories. I spent money on ice cream. If I didn't eat the adequate amount of sugar, I found I would feel frantic and mentally unstable. I needed all the focus I could get to focus on my essays. And so, I started gaining weight again. At times, I would become frustrated and angry. I envied how thin Sarah always managed to stay. It seemed unfair. I felt ugly, and not being able to do the dieting and exercise I needed.

PART 51 - http://tinyurl.com/y9gsjg4j

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PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8

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13 notes · View notes

tayegi · 7 years ago

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im crying not only bc of your amazing writing, but bc i was scrolling thru my dashboard and i saw you answering all these asks about new rules and i’m so dump thinking that you set up new rules or sthg, i didn’t understand it so i read all those asks and fucking spoiled myself kmp, but on another note yOU FUCKING ROCK OMG NEW RULES IS SO AMAZING I LOVE IT 💘💘💘

Anonymous said:I'M LOVING NEW RULES SO MUCH just wanted to show my support. i love your writing in general don't get me wrong but new rules is messing with my heart and it's amazing

Anonymous said:Hi! I just read both parts for "New Rules" and I loved them! If this goes in the same direction as Dua Lipa sings (I guess it will) it sounds like it'll be very interesting. I love how everyone in the story is human, not just good or bad, you know? 90% of fics would've made Mijoo the stereotypical barbie bitch, but you didn't and I was pleasantly surprised! I also feel very identified with the OC. I really want her to open up and discover who JK really is, whoever that is. Keep up the good work!

jabaelashit said:Hey! i already wrote you a message on one of your posts but i just wanted to say that i am feeling so skabakks right now, I can't stop thinking about new rules and i'm torn between crying or crying but w angsty. I hope oc learns her worth and can understand she's just as amazing as mijoo, even better if we're talking about morals but oh well people fuck up:( I'm glad she forgave her but I hope she distances from her cause that gurl ain't having the same respect for the friendship as oc/1

jabaelashit said:and i also hope she gets to tell jimin her feelings not to like make him break stuff w mijoo, but to let him know she hadnt seen the note and to release some pressure and feelings cause oc bottles up so much and i just want to go and hug her and don't leave her until she understands shes fucking badass and cool and that the way she thinks is 👏👏👏 lu you've made me feel such a diverse amount of emotions i don't know what to do w myself anymore, your writing is amazing! love love loove you❣/2

Anonymous said:Hey!!:) idk if this is the right place to send compliments cause im really new to tumblr but THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR FICS. Tbh I'd buy it if you published a physical compilation;)

Anonymous said:Wow for the longest time I was searching your old username; idek why cause I’ve known you changed your username and have been keeping up to date with you LMAO this is what being sick and delirious does to me. ANYWAYS! Hope you’re not too down with the crazy anons your story is great and I’m thankful for the dynamic characterizations you create! It makes it so much more interesting cause you create many characters with depth!!

Anonymous said:Can I please just have your writing talent? The OC is just so real, and that moment when she's deciding what to do with Mijoo, and what she actually says at the end.... I can't actually put my thoughts into words. I'm legit stunned by the sheer amount of emotions I felt reading the second chapter. I genuinely adore the banter between JK and OC, I personally prefer people to be more direct with what they want, so I already appreciate them, but also Jimin's convo with OC... (1/2)

Anonymous said:Jimin's convo with OC... Idk about these other anons going off on Mijoo, I was more thinking 'why didn't Jimin chase the note?' and then he would have had his answer then and there. But that might have just been me... And also, thinking back to it now, when JK said 'I need you' and OC repeated it back to him like super softly, like she was surprised oh god, okay, my heart is breaking even more for OC now, idk if I'm reading too much into it. I love you Lu, I hope you're well, and happy! (2/2)

Anonymous said:I love your fics so much!! The sass is real esp with jungkook 😂

Anonymous said:Anyways do ya thang hunny ✨ Keep wrecking me with your writings 💞✨💞✨💞✨💞✨💞✨😩

Anonymous said:Read part 1 of New Rules and was like yeah thisll be fun, I'll have a great time. Then I read part 2 and ended up shedding some real tears at the end?!?! LU WHAT THE...... But really though its so nice to read a fic where the OC values friendship. The idea that its always girls against girls makes me sad.. we should be sticking together!!

Anonymous said:so... surprise surprise, dis gon be about new rules 😂 but I really wanted to thank you for adding so much of the oc's inner dialogue, and making her such a character in the first place. a lot of fics do not portray ocs with more defeatist attitudes, but yours does and I was glad, because I could finally relate to a fic :) also, coming back to the inner dialogue thing, it was so in depth that i could really feel what the oc was feeling, what she was going through. it was amazing ❤️ thank you!

Anonymous said:Man this is one hell of a good fic i’m highly anticipating the next chapter!!! Even though it seems like traditional frat fuckboy x ‘i hate frat bois but ye i’d fuck u’ type of girl it still is in a way a little different i just can’t quite catch how but nonetheless it’s amazing!!! Keep up the good work babe

oceanjoon said:ok so ur newest fic new rules literally is so real n relatable !! like honestly i understand seeking physical comfort in people u dont care about wen u r feeling down/insecure to validate urself n it just rlly hit home

kyarybunny said:Lu. At this point I have so many compliments to give you I can't really form it all properly. But I really am enjoying New Rules and this plot you're breathing life into! It's a different facet of your writing and I love how you can interpret every character's actions in a few different ways. Thank you for continuing to write and I hope you enjoy writing as much as we do reading/analyzing.

Anonymous said:Istg when I read the new chapter of New Rules I clenched my fist like that Arthur meme when it came up to the part about mijoo and the note. Girl got me heated lol. As usual, your works do not disappoint! I love your wittiness and how it shines in your writing. The remarks and dialogue in all of your series really proves your talent. You’re truly a gem amongst fanfic writers 💕☺️📢

Anonymous said:i was happily reblogging a few things on my dash and ch1 of new rules just came and i started reading WHERE THE FUCK DID I GET MY ASS INTO???!!!???!?! IT'S FUCKING AMAZING i don't know why i didn't start reading before. don't you ever dare stop writting, you're such a good writter and i enjoy your works very very much

Anonymous said:OC DESERVES HAPINESS JUST AS MUCH AS MIJOO. OC SHOULDVE PUT HERSELF AND HER HAPPINESS BEFORE HER FRIEND'S BECAUSE SHE IS TOO GOOD FOR ALL OF THEM DJFJFJ i hope one day jimin finds out about her feelings :(

Anonymous said:new rules just keeps getting better and better 😻😻

Anonymous said:Wow.. Okay.. I do believe chapter 2 of New Rules has officially ruined me. My heart was actually beating so fast through out the whole chapter, and it's still racing now too. I've thought this multiple times while reading your fics, but you're writing really is incredible. Your characters and the way you describe their emotions is so unbelievably relatable that the reader can't help but be sucked in. I always find myself becoming invested in your characters! Thank you for all the adventures!

Anonymous said:I felt so bad for the OC this chapter ;.; If I were in her position, I'd probably do the same since causing a scene is yes, immature and not worth the energy. But, if i could be a character in New Rules I'd probably be the other best friend who'll be like "guurl, confront her ass it isnt an excuse just because she's your friend." All in all I see the OC as the kind of person who'll go out of their way to care for someone to the point of disregarding their own feelings, which is unhealthy :( (1)

Anonymous said:(2) but thats what makes her such a relatable character. I really, really like that in your OCs. This is probably the second OC i emotionally relate to, first is Copper Girl. But yeah I'm just distracting myself from assignments lol this series is amazing and just you are amazing Lu!!!! ily!!!!! PS. Jungkook is still agsjshskll he's cocky but with OC he's quite vulnerable. I wonder why? Is it just a front or does he have other intentions?

Anonymous said:alternative ending to new rules: mijoo and mc are over their respective boys, does not bother to get into any messy scenarios like that ever again, love each other and support each other and is forever the friendship that everyone envies anD I HATE THIS SITUATION SO MUCH GODDAMMIT LU!!! UR REALLY TRYING TO TEAR MY HEART APART!!

marchxseptember said:OH MY GOD CHAPTER TWO IS UP. I HAD A FEELING SO I HAD TO CHCK UR ACC AND I WAS RIGHT. BRB GONNA READ

marchxseptember said:AND THE PLOT THICKENS. I JIST FINISHED READING CH. 2 AND I AM FUCKED UP. I HAD A THEORY BEFORE BUT NOW I HAVE LIKE 2 MORE IM CONFUSED. I LOVED IT SOOO MUCH. AND I HATE MIJOO NOW. I CANT WAITT TO SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN. THIS WAS SO GOOD LU.

omg the amount of response ive gotten for new rules is unbelievable. I dont think ppl were even this into equilibrium. the last time u guys acted like this was during the golden boy trilogy and it really feels so good to have this again.

thank you all for your thoughtful messages and for giving this ridiculous little fic a chance. I love you all

#new rules #keehyung #lu answers

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shenanigumi · 8 years ago

Text

Characterization Essay #2

or, Why Chizuru Doesn’t Deserve Your Hate

I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid any overt Chizuru hate during my time in this fandom, but I’ve seen quite a few people telling her off for ‘getting in the way’ of them and their man, as though she isn’t—you know—integral to the plot. As though she’s somehow ‘less than’, or unworthy of their attention, or otherwise ill-suited to her possible love interests.

Basically, I’ve seen many people treat her as though she’s in the way, rather than the central character through which we see the rest of the world. Today, I hope to show you why I at least think that Chizuru fulfills her purpose as both a protagonist (meta) and a deep character (in-universe). As seems to be usual, I’ll be including sections from my wiki, and those are as objective as I could make them—but again, I can’t vouch for my interpretation.

Now, are you ready for yet another character study?

First of all, I’m not asking you to like Chizuru any more than I’m asking you to like anyone in real life. Some personalities mesh better with ours than others, and hers is no exception. And I’m definitely not saying I don’t have my own issues with how she usually acts, because hell, I’ve made fun of her myself:

The thing is, all my comments are exaggerations rooted in affectionate exasperation, whereas I’ve encountered several instances of alarmingly genuine agreement over the months. People definitely have their own individual preferences as to personality type, but no matter whether you love her or hate her, the point I hope to make today is that Chizuru is a valid and three-dimensional character.

Chizuru is hardworking and kindhearted, and has a strong sense of propriety and justice. Though she is sensitive in the extreme to others’ needs, she can be oblivious with regard to herself. She has a deep-seated desire to make herself useful to those who help her, such as the Shinsengumi and (in his route) Kazama. Because of her largely self-imposed sense of obligation, it can be difficult for her to decline tasks she does not want to do.

Chizuru is naturally very curious, which can make it challenging for her to drop a subject about which she wants to know more, and consequently makes her initial situation very hard for her to manage. She also finds it difficult to suppress or conceal her emotions or intentions, and in spite of her crossdressing, she is neither a good actor nor a good liar. Furthermore, Chizuru is easily flustered, which makes her a prime target for teasing, particularly from Okita. Similarly, while she does not have a quick temper, Chizuru can become indignant and defensive if she is passionate enough about something, even before the situation calls for it.

Despite her status as a demon, Chizuru is physically not very powerful. However, she is strong-willed to the point of occasional obstinacy, and can verge on the self-sacrificial if she believes it necessary. This is most prominent when she demonstrates overprotectiveness of her loved ones or even ideals.

Does that sound like a flat character? Sure, I can pick out a number of significant differences between her and myself, but she has a definite personality of her own—and, refreshingly for an otome heroine, it’s got no small number of flaws that come with it. More than that, it’s how her flaws are portrayed that I like. With characters labeled ‘Mary Sue’, often, their faults are downplayed or spun to be endearing. For Chizuru, they are specifically addressed and oftentimes developed/improved just like any other character’s faults.

More than that, different shortcomings crop up and are eventually resolved during different routes, lending her as multifaceted a personality as Kazama’s. For instance, on Harada’s route, her tendency toward self-deprecation is spotlighted; on Heisuke’s route, it is her stubbornness. Both are directly confronted as part of the plot, working in tandem with Harada’s and Heisuke’s own faults to be resolved so that both characters grow as a result.

Speaking of which, it’s worth noting that game!Chizuru and anime!Chizuru are presented differently, but though the depiction varies between media, these facets are always present in her personality—and that shows significant depth of character. Even within the game itself, each route brings out different aspects of Chizuru’s personality: in the games as a whole, she is an “active” Chizuru, most prominently in Saito’s, Heisuke’s, and Harada’s routes, and is more inclined to take her fate into her own hands. In the anime, she is a “passive” Chizuru, and her more submissive traits are also accentuated in Hijikata’s, Okita’s, and Kazama’s routes in-game. Yet they are all decidedly Chizuru, and all recognizable as such: tell me that isn’t a versatile character!

Now that I’ve hopefully at least established that Chizuru has a personality and is not a Mary Sue, I’ll get into some of her character traits that have been known to rub people the wrong way. And again, I’m not asking you to like them—just looking to explain them. She has excellent reasons for being the way she is.

First thing’s first, you have to keep in mind that Chizuru is very much a product of her time… in a way. Similarly to the entire plot of Hakuōki, and all the other characters, she is a seamless blend of modern concepts and past context. This means that as a young woman, she is naturally put in a passive position, but she is not helpless. From the very beginning, Chizuru makes the best of her situation and takes care of herself in every way she can. Her entire goal is to impose as little of a burden on the Shinsengumi as possible, which can hardly be called attention-seeking. More importantly, her subservience can be traced back to an earnest desire to help and to have something to do with herself, not out of weakness or bowing down to her superiors. She has an acute sense of what is right, but by no means does that make her less of her own person.

And regarding Chizuru’s fighting ability? I’ve heard many complaints about her lack of combat scenes, and believe me, I’ll be the first to yell at Chizuru in the anime or musicals for not drawing her sword, but I’ll also be the first to defend that choice. It would be out-of-character for Chizuru to be interested in violence of any kind; she prefers to assert herself with her words, preferably gently, although she has been known to talk back in the heat of the moment. Besides, it is explained in the games that she has developed a slight (and extremely understandable) phobia of blades due to having been conditioned to avoid them lest others find out about her demonic healing.

Chizuru’s self-defense training was not something she undertook of her own volition, and she has never claimed to be any kind of combat expert. Nor does she need constant support and rescuing; though she gets into tight spots sometimes, it is usually a.) demon-related, and b.) not because she insisted that someone save her. In other words, when she needs help, it isn’t because she’s gone looking for trouble or gotten in over her head by overestimating her abilities. Additionally, she does not get in the way during combat, so much as she is reluctant to initiate it. I will own that the anime and/or musicals could have handled this much better, but they are also different media, with a slightly different point—and in the meantime, mine still stands. Chizuru cannot be expected to be a master of combat; that is not who she is.

I’ve heard it said often among fellow Chizuru supporters that one does not have to be overtly badass or skilled in combat in order to be a strong female character, and I’d just like to underline that here. I’d argue that the guys’ dynamics with Chizuru develop precisely because that’s who she is, and that everything would change if her personality were altered in that way. In short, the game we know and love would cease to be. It is a delicate balance, and if we tweak Chizuru’s personality so that she comes more to the forefront, we defeat the point of the game we all love.

Another aspect of her personality that people may find troublesome, and the one that bothers me the most, is her obliviousness. But even that is forgivable if you look into the context. Chizuru is innocent, not ignorant. As the players/observers, we have been trained to look for signs of romance, because we are playing the route. This makes every blush, glance, and line of dialogue extremely significant. However, in Chizuru’s position as a naïve and somewhat sheltered girl who is not initially looking for love, it’s understandable that suggestive remarks or flirtation would go over her head. After all, she’s there to find her father, right? Why would she read into anything? And let’s not forget that she’s perfectly aware of what goes on in the red-light districts. She simply has no prior experience in sex or romance, and therefore no special sensitivity to most subtle remarks.

Now, back to the ‘not looking for love’ thing: I’d like to point out how absolutely non-romance-centric Hakuōki is. It gives priority to character development, including Chizuru’s, and much of her romance with any one guy depends on her actions (hence why there’s a Romance meter as well as Corruption). What I love most about Chizuru and her dynamics is that not all the guys fall for her at all, let alone instantly. This is not your typical ‘reverse harem’ game, where there’s a distinct possibility of romance with almost everyone no matter whose route you’re on. Everything depends on Chizuru’s choices, which are always colored by Chizuru’s personality, and while they may not necessarily line up with what you or I would do in that situation, Chizuru is who each character ultimately begins to respect.

She is significantly less of a self-insert than many other otome heroines, from what I’ve seen, and actually stands up well to the historically based characters as both a foil and a plot pusher. She interacts well with the environment around her, fitting into the game’s style of worldbuilding, revelations, and gradual pacing. A more ‘assertive’ heroine would naturally have forced them to put her in the spotlight, which would have defeated much of the point of the plot. The point is that she is our window into modified!19th-century-Japan, not its centerpiece, and that while her character development is always central (as she learns how to navigate the world around her and overcome her own internal battles), it is often intertwined with that of history itself. If we changed Chizuru’s personality, it would have changed not only the plot, but the entire message. Thus, because of her passivity and her pacifism and even her at times infuriating obliviousness, Chizuru is exactly the heroine that Hakuōki needs—no more, no less.

In conclusion, not everyone can be expected to like any given person, real or fictional, but you must acknowledge Chizuru as a functional character. I’m not even sure where I stand with her myself, but to me, she is who she is… and that’s the only thing that really matters. My point is simply that Chizuru is as complete and important a character as everyone else in Hakuōki, and that if your hatred of her is based on the fact that she is ‘shallow’ or ‘two-dimensional’ or a Mary Sue, you should consider that maybe she’s just not your type.

(@kurokiorya – I hope this explains a few things!!)

#hakuouki #hakuōki #hakuoki #characterization essay #longest one yet i believe #hopefully it gets the point across #yukimura chizuru

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lesbianhubris · 7 years ago

Note

Do you watch parks and rec? Because I feel like if Remus was a muggle he would be Ben Wyatt

Whoo Boy!

Anon I have no idea why you chose to bless me with this ask, but you have managed to find my weakness. I’ve now spent 5 hours re-watching Parks & Rec episodes and re-reading more HCs for the Marauders than I care to admit.

Without much further ado, here is The Marauders as Parks and Rec Characters:

(I imagine many people are going to disagree with me on this mostly due to the fact that I’ve based this on personality traits rather than ships but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

Remus Lupin is Ben Wyatt (yes anon I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here, and I WILL explain why)

James Potter is Leslie Knope (no I do not ship wolfbucks. Bear w/ me here)

Sirius Black is Andy Dwyer (I ALMOST went with Donna Meagle. This one was damn close and tbh I’m still not sure I chose correctly)

Peter Pettigrew is Jerry Gergich (I seriously considered Mark Brendanawitz b/c we all hate him, but Mark was just too smooth y’know? Peter is no ladies man. Also we’re talking Marauders at school only, so Peter isn’t a dirty rat betrayer yet, which is important because Jerry has too big of a heart to do what Peter did)

Lily Evans is Ann Perkins

Severus Snape is Jeremy Jamm

Regulus Black is Tom Haverford

Explanation Below the Cut b/c it got rlly long. I’m not sorry

Season 2/early Season 3 Ben is Year One Remus:

He’s not used to having friends/is scared of what will happen if he makes friends so he kind of isolates himself

(look at my precious bby so convinced people couldn’t possibly like him *creys*)

Despite his protestations, James “everyone nice must be my friend” Potter (AKA Leslie Knope) gets Remus to join the other Gryffindor First Year Boys (yet unnamed) in their shenanigans

and Remus is super hesitant at first because what if they find out his secret? That he bankrupted his town as a child mayor is a werewolf!

but Leslie Knope James Potter is not a quitter and his magnetic energy draws Remus in and it’s amazing and everything either had ever dreamed of in a friendship and now they have their own secret handshake (the nerds)

Now I know what you’re thinking here: “But Sarah! You must be confused! It is James and Sirius who have this amazing friendship bond with secret nerdy handshakes, not James and Remus!”

well you see oh wonderful disembodied voice, the thing is… Sirius? grew up a pampered and snobby Heir to the House of Black. That kind of taught-entitlement is not-so-easily unlearned.

I HC that, for most of First Year, Sirius Orion Black was included in things by default because ~it’s rude to exclude~ and also because “he clearly doesn’t know better we just have to teach him how to not be such a wanker okay Remus give him a break”

idk if people 100% remember this, but season one Andy year one Sirius was a selfish asshole

you see what I mean? this is exactly the kind of shit Sirius would have pulled back when he still thought his family was hot shit for being rich, inbred, and racist.

Andy Sirius, in my opinion, shows some of the most impressive character development on Parks and Rec amongst the Marauders. He does a complete 180 from selfish and conceited to loving and giving and it’s all because he’s finally put in a situation where The Parks Department (esp. April) The Marauders (esp. Remus) hold him accountable for his actions.

So that’s why Sirius is Andy.

Anyway back to Remus:

Now the four boys are learning more about each other and they knew Remus liked to study okay but “Bloody Hell Remus you are actually the nerdiest nerd to ever nerd”

“Oh my god Remus shut up and help me with my transfiguration homework”

Oh also? He would never disrespect authority to its face,, so when Professor Slughorn tells him his Forgetfulness Potion is “weak, my boy! Why it wouldn’t even make a goldfish forget its breakfast” Remus waits for Slughorn to turn around before

And the other marauders see him do this and honestly? it cements their friendship. so now Remus is ensconced in this group of boys who care about him so he tells them his deepest darkest secret about ice town being a werewolf and? They accept him? Just like that?

It’s the happiest day in Remus John Lupin’s entire eleven years of existence

And now that they’re all doing things together and they decide to start pranking which of course looks a little something like

And at first Remus just sort of watches the pranks and then he helps plan them but pretty soon he’s right there with the other marauders wreaking havoc and bringing general mayhem to the grounds of Hogwarts

For the first time in his life Remus Lupin is considered one of the Cool Kids™

and teachers are like?? What happened to the studious quiet kid from September? Remus?! Why have you become this way?

And Remus has to get out of this conversation RIGHT NOW because the pile of books Flitwick uses as a stool is going to explode into a shower feathers in approximately 5 seconds so he’s all

Don’t let these new facets of his personality fool you though. Remus is still first and foremost a major NERD

Someone behind him in Muggle Studies: “The American Muggle Ministry faked a moon landing because American muggles were obsessed with Star Trek, and that’s the only effect Telly has had on muggle pop culture”

Now fast forward to fourth year

James catches Human Disaster™ Remus checking Sirius out

Then finally in sixth year Sirius and Remus accidentally let slip their feelings for one another and idk who is more surprise excited tbh

But Peter knows™ that what this really means is having to listen to his mates be unable to keep their hands off of each other at night because apparently sILENCING CHARMS ARE A FORGOTTEN ART PADFOOT

Which reminds me! Jerry Gergich Peter Pettigrew: Less endearing Human Disaster™

So in first year Pete is just happy to get included at all

but then his ideas in prank discussions kind of get shot down…a lot

he becomes the Marauders’ inside joke

And he’s used for pranking practice…

…and sometimes they just completely forget to include him in things

and like the other marauders aren’t doing it on purpose but they’re a bunch of preteen/teenage kids and they’re kind of self absorbed and wrapped up in their own problems so eventually Pete kind of gets the message so when James says

Pete just kind of…

am I excusing Peter’s betrayal of his friends? Hell fucking no!

But I am saying that the other marauders planted a seed of resentment in him and Voldemort took that seed and fertilized it like crazy and all that combined with his cloying nature and terrified disposition makes him a really good disposable henchman for Lord Moldy

Now, I mentioned that the other marauders were kind of wrapped up in their own things.

Remus was terrified he was going to be found out as a werewolf

and then obsessed with Sirius a lil bit

Sirius was in an abusive environment at home and had to escape it

and then obsessed with Remus a lil bit

James was just. hella obsessed. with Lily.

every time he sees her there is a new compliment

every.

time.

The first time he sees her:

When someone asks him about her in second year:

shouted at her at breakfast in the dining hall in third year:

After she gets the right answer in class their fourth year:

When she gives him an idea for a prank in fifth year:

When she actually helps him with a prank in sixth year:

When she says she might date him but she’s worried she’s compromising her ideals by doing so:

When she says she doesn’t think he really loves her, just the concept of her

and finally, near the end of their seventh year, war looming just outside the grounds of Hogwarts:

Ann Perkins Lily Evans is one of the most logical, realistic, and practical characters on the show in Gryffindor the Marauders’ year. She’s also highly intelligent and hilarious in the most awkward way possible

Severus Snape is Jeremy Jamm because both specimens physically repulse me and really that’s all I have to say on that front

I will not include gifs due to the fact that looking up images of Jamm makes me feel sick

Regulus Black is Tom Haverford because he starts off willing to sacrifice love and happiness for material wealth

…But he learns how to be a good person in the end.

(Replace speech with letter to Voldemort from RAB in the locket.)

I don’t really have solid gif proof for these, but if you’ve made it this far you might as well see my final thoughts:

Marlene McKinnon is Jean-Ralphio Sapperstein

Dorcas Meadows is April Ludgate

Mary MacDonald is Chris Traeger

Lucius Malfoy is Bobby Newport

Belatrix Black Lestrange is Jessica Wicks

Narcissa Black Malfoy is Joan Calamezzo

If you actually made it this far I’m so sorry. Blame the anon who put this idea in my inbox.

#Marauders #Parks and Rec #Harry Potter #Remus Lupin #Ben Wyatt #James Potter #Leslie Knope #Sirius Black #Andy Dwyer #Peter Pettigrew #jerry gergich #lily evans #Ann Perkins #Anon #answered #I may have just dedicated more than 7 hours of my life to this post #because I had FEELINGS OKAY #blame the anon #Marauders era as Parks and Rec characters

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