#i hate getting attached to people and knowing that eventually im going have to move on. to just.. stop. like everyone else

[h0rr0rsaxo]

Real (a little rant of mine below, i start complaining on it so just.. ignore it lmfao)

I know life is full of goodbyes and hellos and sometimes you go away from people you love and sometimes they go away from you and that’s the way things are but I just hate it. I hate saying goodbye I hate letting go. I hate missing people.

[oh-katsuki]

original pinned!

hello :)) okay so i mentioned this a little bit ago, but i will be moving blogs in the coming days and will be shifting entirely onto the blog @woahjo. i've decided to go by the same pseud i currently use, (because i feel like i'm lying if i don't and i hate that LMFAO) though i considered going by a new one, and my ao3 will be staying the same. i also won't be reposting anything to the new blog just yet (maybe a few of my favorites eventually), but i'll be leaving this blog up! the new blog (ofc) is a writing blog and will function essentially the same way this one does. please come join me over there if you like. i'd feel very honored <3

i'm not sure how many people really care all that much about what i have to say about this, but i'll say a little bit anyway bc i feel a lot of responsibility and big feelings towards this blog.

tldr; i'm switching blogs. it's silly to get emotional but i love it here, i love you, please come say hello over on the new one if you'd like.

i've been feeling this way for a while, and while the recent discourse had an effect, it's mostly a result of my own feelings. i just think it may be time to get a bit of a fresh start. i've had this space for nearly three years now and the community that's been built on this blog is beyond what i ever could have imagined when i first started writing. i know i'm getting a little sappy, but frankly, im shocked people wanted to be here and follow my writing at all. (i never know what to say when people tell me they do) it really humbles me and i hope to continue writing for many many years to come.

i recently took a long look at the way i view fandom culture and space, as well as how it affects me, and i sort of came out on the other side realizing that it might be time for a change of scene. i love this space. i love this community. it's something that i am deeply proud of to a point that i feel very emotional over leaving (clearly lol). in fact, i'm incredibly nervous about posting this. there's a lot of anxiety in posting your art for people to see and it makes me feel vulnerable to type a post like this telling y'all just how much i appreciate you and the part you've all played in this lovely little spot. i'm very emotionally attached to this place.

but!!! i'm excited for the type of creative refresh effect a new blog might have, as well as the ability to get to chat with you guys a little more and make friends. things get lost on here (both because tumblr sucks and because my blog is so messy that it makes me physically nervous to think about) and im hoping to be able to keep my new blog clean and tidy so that everything is easier to find. i've been feeling writer's block for a while now and i feel like having "more space to roam" (for lack of a better phrase) might have a really nice effect.

anyway, all this to say that i love it here. for those of you that choose to follow me to my new blog, please come say hello. and of course the group of old mutuals who are no longer active, i love y'all. if you ever come back to tumblr when ur old and gray, come say hi since i'll probably be writing x reader anime fic still. lol

[strawbubbysugar]

quick question about elio and arche cuz I kinda wanna know: what's keepin their limbs attached to the rest of em? Is it magnetism? How strong?

...

(If I put a really strong magnet next to their hands can I pull their hands towards that magnet or is their pull just too strong?)

Also how does Arche put his boots on if his feet aren't attached to his legs..? And does Elio get around everywhere barefoot? Dude, you're gonna get something stuck in your casing, be careful!

(Do they have casing for things to get stuck in...???? I feel like I'm askin the wrong questions here)

Hope your day's goin good so far!

Its going amazing, people are interested in my ocs!!! <3<3<3

oughghgh no wrong questions im losing my mind being asked anything about them at all!!! Its attached with incredibly strong magnets, even if you tried to pull their limbs away while they were charging or unaware, youd just end up yanking all of them with it! Its meant to allow them to move more fluidly than the other robots in Atomata can, since they were designed with the express purpose of being more human than the other robots in order to ease the transition for the human that would marry them eventually Arche's feet are very attached with the magnets, so hed be able to put his boots on no problem!

Elio avoids wearing shoes as much as possible because while he and Arche have pad sensors on the bottom of their feet, Elio likes feeling the ground- It makes him feel human to feel as much as he possibly can all the time. Much like Damia doesnt like layers, Elio hates shoes.(much to the chagrin of both his brother and his parents. It was a fight when he was younger to even get him to wear pants)

(their casing is sealed behind the magnets so no risk of things getting stuck inside, however it does mean he has to clean off his "ankles" (the magnetic structure holding his feet on) before he goes to bed or he'll be dragging a bunch of rocks that stuck to it into the sheets hsfgh

Side note: If you catch them while theyre turned off completely, they sort of fall apart like a house of cards once they turn off, without the magnets to hold them together. So theyre always very careful to be in bed or somewhere laying down, so their parts dont go scattering everywhere

Elio fell off a high ledge once when he was younger & on low power because hed been avoiding charging to play more, & Damia thought he died because all of his pieces scattered

[dnpanimationstudioclone]

About Spectra🕷

The "good" doctor has always been trapping people in her webs. As a well skilled psychologist she used her know how of people to get what she wanted, especially through her clients. Wether it's persuading extra pay offers, sharing confidential info, she'd do anything for the right price. Eventually though the consequences of her less ethical practices catched up to her and bit her hard, literally! Now she continues to haunt the world, trying to trap people in her webs, this time they’re even harder to get out of!”.

Character:

For her I'm getting rid of the search for beauty and focusing on her being a person who takes advantage of others for her self gain. I'm thinking of making her dark neutral. She mostly does what she does for her self gain and won't go to more trouble than she has to, for what she wants and willing to work with anyone, for the right price. On the other hand her utter lack of care for the people around her as well as her willingness to abuse her power usually makes her an enemy. She also takes joy in causing the misfortune and doesn’t show much concern or remorse for it, especially if its someone she hates.

I also want to push the parallel between her and Jazz more,both being people I with skills and interest in psychology. She could be what Jazz became if she jsut stopped caring about helping people with their issues and used them to only benefit herself. I’m thinking form a young age, Spectra was aware of humanity not being naturally good and saw that more and more as she grew. Eventually she adapted a ““let them be evil” mindset and worked to be just as, if not more cunning and underhanded than the people around her.

Spectra-You can etheir be their prey or they can be yours.

Im thinking for her ep, Jazz at first likes and really looks up to her especially for her profession(fun fact, OG Jazz in one of her futures goes to Yale, which I’m headcanon Spectra graduated from) Perhaps feels like she’s able to confide to her, always trying to look out for everyone else especially her brother, it’s nice to have someone care about her business, perhaps even encouraged Jazz to care for herself more. She’s definetley much more hurt to say the least when she realizes Spectra’s true colors. I can honestly see Spectra see a bit of herself in Jazz, even has some respect for Jazz’s ability to connect with others, with that said she wouldn’t hesitate to use Jazz as Phantom bait if it benefits her or she proved to be too much of an inconvenience. Which….

She and Jazz, have a sort of similar parallel to Vlad and Danny, if perhaps not as intense.

Facts:

Headcanon VA-Teri Hatcher(Other Mother, Coraline), Kathleen Barr(Queen Chrysalis, My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic), Amy Landecker(Dr. Emilia KATAOWB), Allison Janey- Goldie O Gilt, Ducktales, Wendi Malick( Beatrice Horseman Bojack Horseman, also Eda Clawthorne The Owl House), Faye Mata(Katie Killjoy, Hazbin Hotel), Jean Smart(Depression Kitty, Big Mouth), Amy Sedaris(Princess Carolyn, Bojack Horseman), April Winchell(Ms. Finster, Recess).

Abilities- Can make webs that can drain someone's energy as well as trap and grab things and people, even make things out of said webbing and people, can crawl and climb all over walls and ceilings, can shoot out her webbing Spider-Man style, can remove her body parts and attach them back on(like sewing a doll), can fit herself into small spaces, high jumper, very flexible, sharp claws, legs and teeth, venomous bite, experience and skill in Psychology, dark empath, master manipulator, great vision(especially since she can move her eyes around), a sense of danger(like a spidey sense Spectra-NOT LIKE SPIDER-MAN!), good with the piano, experienced in forgery, knows ASL(picked it up for clients with hearing disabilities), great charisma, greater lying and great with textile.

@tachvintlogic​ helped gave me a lot of good ideas on how her web powers can work! 

Weaknesses- Webs can only last so long before she needs to remake them, weak ghost so she cant use too much and will etheir need new people to drain energy from or wait and conserve herself, she or her webs aren’t great getting wet, not strong in cold temperatures, strength if webs depend on her own state, hence why she drains people so much, not the greatest with modern tech, hard to trust even when she’s telling the truth, has little to no compassion, huge ego and too selfish for her own good.

If a person is physically or mentally down already, her webs can drain more out.

Likes- Psychology(more so using it on people), draining people, negative emotions and energy, DRAMA, textile, weaving, sewing, knitting, macrame, textile especially weave art, textile puns, dark comedy, fine arts, acting fine and cultured, getting spa treatments, vintage things, silk, red wine, insects and spiders(to eat), brunch, French cuisine, devilled eggs, coffee, dark chocolate, bitter tastes, cappuccino, brunch, fashion, gossip, piano music, the night, the color red, reading, philosophy, psychological horror/thrillers, dark spaces, interior design shows, reality tv shows(especially for the drama), and getting what she wants.

Dislikes- Jazz, Danny Phantom, Sidney( on the plus side, he’s got tons of negativity she can drain from him, on the downside it’s hard to when he can slice you to threads with his pincers in a matter of seconds), Danny’s puns, Walker and his enforcement, a lot of the ghosts in the Zone(they def reciprocate her feelings), people getting in her way, having to deal with teenagers, getting poked by needle and pins, Bertrand's snark and sass, being weak, the color blue, Jazz’s essential oils(fun fact spiders don’t like smells like lavender, peppermint or the color blue, especially light blue which Jazz wears a lot), bright lights, being called "Other Mother", being called “old”, not having her coffee, when the coffee shops get her order wrong or puts the wrong name on the cup, rain, her work getting ruined, getting wet, the cold, missing threads, loose ends, people commenting on her age and being screwed over.

Fav food- Misery ofcourse😭

Second fav- Spiders. They help her gain energy is spiders and the webbing in them🕷She'll go for insects as well🦋🐞🪲(Likes dipping such as dark chocolate or cheese covered ones like cocoa beetles).

Loves to target teens for all their hormones as well as middle-age adults. Mid-Life crisis’ are gold mines for her.

Will now and then team up with Vlad🧛‍♂️ Especially if it involves revenge on the Fenton Family. He’s one of the few ghosts she actually gets along with. With that said, they wouldn’t hesitate to turn on each other when push comes to shove. I can totally see them brunch while badmouthing people(especially the Fentons). 

Can make silk from her webbing. It’s very soft and smooth…perfect to get it on people😈

Enjoys making dolls of people she hates so she can destroy them for stress relief.

Usually smells like vintage perfume. It’s not bad but she tends to wear a lot on her, usually trying to cover up anything like say…ecto.

Though she hates the cold, has her office still cold as it makes clients accept her gifts more or warm up with stuff she made. As well as to cover up Phantom’s Ghost senses. She uses her own webbing to keep herself warm enough.

When under Walker's control, kept far away from the other prisoners so she can't feed too much on their misery. He has her do psycho-analysis of the inmates, to figure out what makes them tick. One of her biggest cases is Sidney Pointdexter. Her cell tends to have a bunch of cobwebs in it, her bed having layers and crafted pillows from her own webbing for comfort.

Made Bertrand with her powers. Reference to Other Father. The main reason he does her bidding’s because he needs her webbing to keep him together. She made him basically to do all the grunt work, she doesn’t want to waste energy on(cleaning her office, organizing her files, coffee runs, scaring the students so they’ll need to get counselled and can drain them, etc).

Also tends to have Bertrand prepare snacks and drinks for the students, to make them feel more comfortable( and TOTALLY not to make sure one doesnt end up passing out if too much energy was drained). A bit of a reference to how Other Mother lured Coraline with delicious food.

Died in 1990. Gaiman started writing the story, Coraline(Spectras inspired by Other Mother) in 1990. Died via, Black widow spider bite🕷

Got her degrees from Yale👩‍🎓 She brags about that ALOT to people. Blackmailed her psych professor.

When she isn’t draining people of their misery, will now and then swindle  people for quick crash. Her fav tactic is selling people knockoff fashion products, which after the purchase don’t even last(as she made them with her webbing). 

Prefers cash over credit💵.

Sometimes makes fake products or steals things like Chanel and Gucci for herself, to make people think she’s rich and classy👜

She and Klemper knew each other as kids🕷☃️.

Her footsteps and fingers hitting the surface sounds like needles🪡

Has definetley been involved in quite a few pyramid schemes.

Would love Melvina’s Therapy.

Keeps a sewing kit on her🧵🪡

Likes to hum. Usually "the itsy bitsy spider"🕷

Loved puppet shows as a kid. Still enjoys them now. 

She made a lot of the clothes she wears. Even made Bertrand a sleeveless vest, def not to drain him ofcourse...

Can move her extra eyes around her face. Likes to do it to creep people out.

How she died. Still working out the details but it was partly because of a black widow spider bite, was an act of revenge(client or someone close to the client she’d been screwing over) and  it wasn’t a peaceful death to say the least.

What do u think? Any headcanons u have for Spectra. I'd love to know💖

[into-the-blorboverse]

some tidbits about this AU

the AU is kind of split off into two time periods, exploring Drew's identity as a teen+how his life differs from the regular oc verse, and the second half, where we come back to him as an adult and reconnecting with people with newfound confidence in himself.

all this to say, alot of the exploration has to do with him and Libra's relationship. as mentioned in the first trans au post, we couldn't let Libra cheat on Drew in this one. while Libra doesn't know about Drew being trans until much later and her infidelity wouldn't have anything to do with him being "inferior" as a man or whatever, Drew would most definitely feel that way. and he goes through enough in this AU so that we didn't have the heart to do that. not to say that there isn't angst about his gender, just not in such a earth shattering way as being cheated on.

anyway they do last a bit longer together, allowing themselves to become very attached. Libra can tell that there's Something going on with Drew that he's not being forthcoming about, so she gets kind of annoying about that sometimes, perhaps projecting that he's not interested in her or something. Drew is like ughhh its not that Libra... and shes left just like okay??? what is it then??? ...luckily Drew doesn't feel compelled to out himself right away, he isn't ready and he certainly would not benefit from that information getting out when he's feeling aggravated. he has no idea how Libra would react and that's why he can't Ever tell her (at least for right now).

they care for each other alot and it makes it really hard when it seems like their relationship is so hot n cold, and they r dumb teens so they don't know how to talk it out jfddsj. eventually Libra presents him with an ultimatum like, if you need time to go figure yourself out and when ur ready to be real with me you can come back and we can be together. she thinks oh im so genius once im gone he'll come running back 😏 but that rly is too much pressure on Drew and he... doesn't take the bait. which frustrates Libra, why doesn't he wanna be with me?? fools, both of them!!! and it doesn't help that Libra moves out, leaves town, due to some family drama. and they just don't reach out, its too hard, too scary, especially on Drew's end there's too many unknowns to reach out. and that was it.....

...unless!! well spoilers they do reconnect years later, Drew's had much more time to build confidence, both in social and medical transitioning. so when they do get to talking he does feel safe to reveal that yeah the reason why he was so cagey n weird in high school is because of being trans and being scared to tell the one person who didn't know already, and be rejected in that way. and Libra, in the kindest way she can manage, grabs his shoulders and shakes him around like are you Serious is that all that was about i thought you hated me!!! i liked you, i wouldn't have cared!!! etc etc and yknow. hindsight is 20/20 and all that. it probably would have been fine but he couldn;t have known and thats valid hsajkh. even if a bit frustrating for all involved, at least he feels good about it now.

funnily enough it takes this AU to have Drew go to therapy earlier on in his life...? not to mention living in the Ramirez household and not being emotionally damaged on a daily basis like in his family home really provides him a more stable foundation. so he can finally have these conversations as an adult and smooth over some unfinished business left untended from his teen life, whew!! Good for him. :)

[thisdreamplace]

Hi Dream 💞💞 how are you?

I want to get something off my chest. There's this SP that I've been having the typical experience with, you know, hot and cold behavior. Since last year my approach to the law has been a bit similar to yours, allowing things into being, letting go, living and loving life hehe. But my romantic relationships and my self concept in romantic relationships is still somehow... chaotic? A mess? I isolated myself from any potential romantic interest for over a year thinking that being alone was going to be the solution. I then met this guy, let's call him B. B and I met online, I was not really interested in him but eventually I started having fun with him and our chats were cool. I was enjoying who I was with him and I was very chill tbh. Then B started being too busy to chat with me (this has been a pattern, that I have experienced even in friendships) and I started freaking out and chasing him. B slowly started fading away and then it became a cycle of him texting me whenever he was not busy, and basically giving me breadcrumbs, and I was down so bad that I got addicted to this.

Now I'm bored of this dynamic, and also bored of B and don't have any energy left. I decided I seriously need to focus on my self love because I clearly haven't been giving myself enough. I want to move on from him, but I don't want to hold the image of me being his victim, idk if you know what I mean? I was conscious all the time, and I knew what was happening, and I allowed it. I am a victim of myself. I don't want to hold him responsible? Or to hold judgements of him? Yk to keep him in my memory as the asshole B hahah. But also, he kinda was an asshole. But somehow seeing him like an asshole consequently makes me feel like his victim and it keeps me attached to this narrative of "oh he damaged me". I don't know if you understand me HAHAHA. But I also feel resistance towards seeing him like an angel boy lmao. Do I believe he has potential to be an angel boy? Sure, everyone can change, but at the same time, I do feel victimized if I'm fully honest with myself. I do feel like a part of me knows I am fully responsible for myself, and there's no point in blaming anyone but it also feels very easy to blame it all on him and hate him, but then again, I don't want to hate or judge.

Thank you for this blog, it has been a source of support and guidance for me...

hello lovely !! <3 i am doing very well, whenever spring is in the air, i feel so in love ! :)))) how are you ?

that bit about isolating yourself bc u thought it was the solution. so relatable, lmao. thank you for sharing all of this !

i totally understand everything you are saying, as for the past couple years since knowing the law i also felt that way. i refused to hold anyone accountable for anything, because i felt like it was my responsibility to take as, just like you said, i was fully conscious and am a victim of myself. but tbh, this only made things harder and didnt stop people from doing what they wanted. when i started to accept the pain i felt, the way i saw them (they did this to me, and yeah it hurt and im upset, etc etc), i actually started being able to move on and stop harbouring resentments. (bc telling myself i should take responsbility for them only created resentment, bc it wasnt true to how i rly felt inside of my heart) this isn't so much about blame but staying true to yourself. let yourself have that moment to fully digest and feel the way your experience with him has been. bc then you will feel much more free to move into love and nonjudgment and ultimately freedom... rather than trying to force yourself into it now, because you know its what you "should" do. i hope this is helpful <3

i'm so thankful that my blog has been helpful for you, thank you for sharing that :') xo

[submassed]

ok senpiss and osuke megapost right here rn guys im so sorry if i forget anything + if this doesnt make any sense: (im not sorry) (this is just gonna be like. Explaining lore and shit mostly idk idk i might add more as time goes on)

warning i talk and ramble a lot during this i am so sorry to everyone on the senpai fnf tag i will not stop preaching about my two idiots

OK so my brain is fucking massive and huge i have two seperate versions of their relationship because i love how complex the both of them can get (even though senpai is quite literally surface level for like everyone who doesnt know how insane i am about his character and how much ive tried to actually give him More Character)

edit: (i lied theres like three seperate versions but im not going to explain them all because its too much and i already feel bad for talking this much)

the first one is literally just typical, bros not in the game or whatever no game exists its just normal bro time ueah ueah (i call this one Normal) (actually i dont call it that) (idk what to call it) (its the one my brain presets to) (if i dont specify which one it is its most likely this one)

the second one is a little more closer to canon senpai where hes actually in the game & this one is More Upsetting to Me a LOT a lot (ill probably get into this more when i actually have a set idea on what i want this au-ish thing to be about) (whenever im talking about this specific thing ill specify this one)

a little sneak peak on the second one is essentially just. osuke collects games, comes across senpai, they both get attached, osuke realizes how bad its getting, tries to get rid of the cartridge because he wants to focus more on actual life shit, senpai somehow Manages to come back (i explained the whole plot im so mad)

the first one is where like. osuke constantly has to move schools due to his parents travelling for work a lot. eventually he just decides to settle in with his sister and just attend the last year at the hs senpai goes to or whatever.

osuke is A COMPLETE LONER!!!!!!! HES A FREAK!!!!!! and HATES MAKING FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!! and senpai is just like Holy fuck whats up dude hey whats Up hey and just gets Ignored by osuke entirely which Pisses him off because how dare you ignore the most popular guy in School?????

so senpai just. Continuously tries to bother him so they Can be atleast Friends. Wgich OSUKE he fucking hates it because hes like "waaahhh waaahhhh whats the whole point its not gonna last waaahh waaahhhh"

but he manages to soften up and get used to it which THEN causes their initial friendship or whatever.

senpai obvs isnt gonna let all that work go to waste as soon as he became close with him Because He Realized How fucking Annoying Osuke also Is but he doesnt Mind jt because at first they are #Besties

they kinda have some sort of like "lets make fun of people together" bond Becsude They Are both Pieces of shits except one of them is popular snd another one is just Bitter and A Loner

Im not too sure how they got together yet, i hsvent decided on it. I'm kinda leaning towards the side where senpai is conflicted with these sorta feelings and isnt sure How to actually say it to Him because. Wow! Being friends with a loner? Already Damaged your View on others! And then WANTING TO DATE HIM??? WOW!!!!!!!

plus with the fact that like they most def have some sort of complexity between eachother where osuke is hella fucking jealous about his social status at school whereas senpai is SUPER SUPER SUPER jealous about osukes just. way of not Caring about what people think of him (he foes care he just tries to not let it bother him too much) (it bothers him but he doesnt say it outwardly) (he has a lot of internal shit stuck in him)

its like????? kinda tense but also not????? like the frustration fuels them both in a way if that makes sense (like their love for eachother?????? i dont know)

id like to think there wasn't just a confession it was more so pf just a awkward like, "oh shit we're pretty close, oh fuck wait hold on youre doing this rn????? dude youre kisisng me whay the fuck????? dude??????? are we like a thing now what?????? hellow??????"

i know that senpai would Probably Want there to be a confession originally but osuke is actually too fucking dense to connect two and two together (mainly due to the previous factor of him not really having much friends + having to move on so quickly and Not really processing it fully)

i just really like intimacy between them i think its really sweet seeing it 🦭

thats all i can really think of rn so ill wrap it up enjoy this big ass thread about me talking about my stupid guys i apologize again

[journalofabrokenheartedvirgin]

Page 92 (part 2)

 If things have changed, them slowly trying to end things hurts more than them just saying they are done. I want to talk to them about it but im so scared. If theyer just busy ill feel stupid for feeling paranoid and they might think im stupid and weird, but if im right and they are pulling away, whether to let lose the attachment or because they dont like me anymore, they’ll say how I knew that this was going to end eventually and I put myself in this situation and ill feel stupid for being sad about it and they’ll make me feel stupid for it. Im comfortable with them and im falling for them, but I just cant help but to be afraid of the worst case scenario, especially because they’ve gone from one end of the spectrum to the other, the 180 is killing me. I remember when they texted me, even before we were official, that they had gotten drunk and stayed the night at ash’s house, and when she tried to move them onto the bed they drunkenly asked where I was. That had made me so happy and now I just think about it and get sad because they aren’t doing things like that anymore. Or how they used to tell me they missed me over text and then a couple days ago they came over after not seeing them for a few days and I told them I know its only been two days but I missed you and they just awkwardly said okay…. Like what happened? Why cant a single person just like me for longer than a couple months? What is wrong with me? It makes me feel unlovable and unwanted. And I just dont understand why it happens. Like, all three of my relationships were instances where these random people popped up in my life but were all situations where there had been a chance I never met them, so each one didnt necessarily have to happen and yet they did, and each time im heart broken. With Liam, if I hadn’t met Caden, or if he was still with his gf at the time, or he didnt come and hang out with us that summer we never would have met. With Ryan, if Summer had never told me he was into me as well, we never would have tried dating and would have stayed friends. And with Steven, I almost didnt go out that night with Ashton and the others, which would have allowed me to miss out on Steven. Why do these people come in randomly, become important to me, and then leave. I want a fucking answer from the universe, and although my friends keep saying that there doesn’t necessarily need to be a reason, I want one. I want to know why I keep getting heartbroken by people I become attached to. Im seriously starting to think that heartbreak is not fucking worth it. I had forgotten since Ryan how much these feelings absolutely suck. This was the first time in a long time that I seriously almost scratched myself out of sadness and panic. It felt like it was engulfing me and I didnt know how to make myself feel better. I felt trapped in my body again and I hated it. Is this shit worth that? As I said, ill never regret being with Kevin because I like them so fucking much and they’ve been amazing up to this point, but would it have been better if we had never met and I didnt get as close to them as I have? I dont want to go through this again and im not ready to this time around. I dont want to lose them, especially before they leave, but I have to realize I might. Its going to hurt if they break up with me now and know for the next two and half months that they are here in san diego and im not with them. Its like Liam, when I knew he was in michigan while I was there but we weren’t hanging out because he didnt want to. It fucking hurt so fucking bad and now that might happen again.  I dont know how im going to get through this. And im fucking pathetic and feel so guilty that we have basically had sex, they’ve basically taken my virginity and they are just going to break up with me because they dont want me. Maybe I should have waited until I knew the person loved me and wouldn’t leave. I was okay with doing it with them when I thought wed just break up when they left, but this is different  and makes me feel 1000% worse.

[fruggo]

leon, quentin, and joey x anxious reader - fluffy headcanons

sickening fluff and comfort because that is currently my mood <3 thanks dont hate me please this is self-indulgence

also omg im posting ! crazy ! sorry it’s been so long but im doing a little better now :)

❀ ❁ ❀

𝐋𝐄𝐎𝐍 𝐒. 𝐊𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐃𝐘

when you start to feel very anxious, he can tell immediately, especially if you are a very physical person (i.e. hand shaking/wringing, leg bouncing, rocking, or just your facial expression)

he will do anything he can to calm you down. he’s very thoughtful and conscientious so he will be careful not to do anything that you’re uncomfortable with

if you are okay with being touched, he will hold your hands and pull you real close and put your head on his chest, and he’ll tell you that this will eventually pass, that it’s going to be okay, that you are going to be okay.

he won’t leave you alone if he knows you’re having a hard time. he’s worried that something will happen to you in his absence, and he just never wants you to feel abandoned or lonely. but if you need to be alone he will respectfully step away.

listen, we are talking about leon flirty-ass kennedy here. he is so touchy now that he has you; he’s always attached to you in some way. he loves to put his hands on your waist, or sometimes one of them will rest protectively on your thigh when you’re sitting down at the campfire. if you like to hold hands you best believe his hand will be slipping into yours the second he sees you are getting overwhelmed.

it’s his way of reassuring you that he is here and he’s not going to leave you.

he does that thing where he moves his thumb back and forth over ur hand that makes ur stomach go AAHHHHHHH u know that one???? that shit gives me butterflies☠️☠️

❀ ❁ ❀

𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐓𝐇

he understands you.

sleepy cuddles. that’s most of what i have to say. he’ll pull you all gentle into his arms and just hold you so close that you feel like nothing could ever hurt you again.

he will remind you how brave you are, and he’ll tell you how proud he is of you.

somehow even more touchy than leon. his favorite way to cuddle is hugging you in his lap, your legs wrapped around his torso and his arms holding you close. it’s not only comfort for you—it’s comfort for him, too. he loves the feeling of you clinging to him like a koala; it’s very cute, and it also makes him feel needed.

he likes to trace his fingers along your face. i know this sounds weird but let me explain

you know when you pet a cat?? on its face?? and you trace its nose, and maybe its cheek, then under the chin, and then its nose again?? yeah its like that basically

you will lay your head in his lap and then he will trace his fingers along the bridge of your nose, then across your forehead, down your cheeks, and then he’ll just hold your face in his hands for a while to admire you. then he’ll squish your cheeks to make you do a fish face so that you’ll smile.

he likes small kisses. thumb, cheek, shoulder, forehead, etc. he will do this when he senses you getting overwhelmed—your mind is racing, you feel your heart speeding up, you feel like you might explode, and then suddenly quentin’s hand is in yours and he is pressing the softest kiss to your knuckles.

just the most precious boy in general. he will coerce you to take naps with him in which he falls asleep with his arms wound around your waist and face buried in your shoulder.

❀ ❁ ❀

𝐉𝐎𝐄𝐘

joey doesn’t want to be a killer and nobody can convince me otherwise

yeah he can be kinda scary personality-wise but frank is the one who convinced him and susie to help kill that guy; and then suddenly they were all kidnapped here, damned to kill innocent people for eternity.

he’s just a teenager. he was up to some bad things before the entity’s realm, sure, but he was never a murderer. he often missed having a normal life and slacked in trials—he couldn’t bring himself to harm so many innocent survivors unless the entity was driving him with that insane bloodlust he couldn’t control.

so seeing as joey is still hanging on to sanity, it’s fairly easy for him to sympathize with you when you start freaking out in one of his trials.

he doesn’t know exactly what to do, because mental health was not yet widely discussed in his time, but he could tell that something was wrong and you were in a lot of pain. the entity was not being particularly demanding right then, so he took that trial off to befriend you and calm you down.

you have never spoken of this to any of the survivors, but after that trial, joey took you back to the ormond lodge and gave you a cup of hot chocolate. you were astounded at his kindness and felt very connected to him since then.

you felt the urge to cling to him whenever he came to see you or took you to ormond again, and he didn’t mind at all. nobody had ever seen you in such an anxious moment but him, and he had made you feel safe, whether he was part of the legion or not.

you knew joey didn’t want to hurt anybody. he couldn’t want to hurt anybody. it wasn’t like him, was it?

whenever you hold onto his arm, he always stiffens for a moment, but then relaxes, and even slides his hand out of his pocket and intertwines it with yours. he’ll squeeze it every now and then to let you know he’s still paying attention to your touch.

frank calls him soft, but he doesn’t care. he likes the thought that you trust him, that you care about him, and that you don’t think of him as a monster. he feels normal around you.

and he likes being able to protect you. he loves feeling like he is doing something good for you, because ever since becoming a killer for the entity all he has felt is guilt, anger, and shame, and he’s sick of it. caring for you has made him feel not so much like a monster. you make him feel not so much like a monster.

he doesn’t completely understand your anxiety, but he will support you no matter what and knows what to do when you get overwhelmed. he visits you in the forest frequently just to talk and maybe cuddle if he’s in the mood. he doesn’t always initiate physical contact, but he never minds when you do as he knows it is comforting.

when he does touch you, usually it will be him playing with your hands. he likes to play with your fingers and just hold them in his own, compare the size, etc.

never, in any circumstance, harms you in a trial. he doesn’t care how much the entity punishes him—he will never hurt you. he will take that entire trial off cuddling with you to mentally prepare himself for what the entity will do to him. it will hurt a lot, but he doesn’t care. he wouldn’t harm you for anything in the world.

[keisl0vergirl]

reversible

[pairings] exboyfriend!jimin x reader

[genre] fluff, angst, somewhat suggestive idk

[warnings] one very short mention of sex

[summary] in which you and jimin are interviewed about your previous fwb relationship

[authors note] i’ve seen this concept in the haikyuu fandom and i wanted to try it😋. i don’t really like this but it’s whatever😔

[ CREDITS : @tetsvhoe ‘s post ]

interviewer : are we set?

director : yep! in 3.. 2.. 1–

interviewer : hello and welcome back to reversible. this is the show were we interview two people with some type of connection between them. this is purely for them to take away whatever they want from the answers. guys, please introduce yourselves.

you : hey i’m y/n y/l/n!

jimin : i’m park jimin of bts.

interviewer : what kind of situation were you in? relationship, friendship etc.

jimin : both. it was more of a friends with benefits type of thing, no strings attached.

you : yeah.. no strings whatsoever.

jimin : …

interviewer : can you explain how you met and how everything came along?

you : well i’ve known jimin since we were 13, we used to go to the same school and had an alright friendship. we got closer after his debut, i don’t know, i guess we kinda gravitated towards each other.

jimin : it was about 4 years into our friendship when we had sex. then we decided to keep our friend aspect but none of us had any issue with doing it once in a while. eventually i guess it got too serious and things just stopped.

you : wayyy too serious

interviewer : can you elaborate?

you : well at first it was fun. you know, something light and refreshing. it was easy, for the both of us, but i guess his fame and my personal emotions ruined it?? in my point of view, it was after bts began blowing up. i guess he started spending less time with me and more with other female idols and i took that as a sign that what we had was over. so i stopped all communication with him and moved on, or tried to. i never really told him this because it’s embarrassing, but i was jealous, i felt like a side piece. you know.. the other girls he was hanging out with were hot, they had that model type beauty. and it’s not that hard to see that i don’t have the face or body to become someone good looking as them. so yeah in the end it was my insecurities and jealousy that ruined it.

you : [took a deep breath] also, the lack of labels. we would often get jealous when seeing the other with someone else. basically breaking our rule of no strings attached. eventually it got too messy but by that time we were already distancing from each other so i assumed that it was the end of whatever we had.

jimin : [looking at y/n] …

interviewer : jimin, do you have anything to say in response to that?

jimin : no.

interviewer : what made you sign up for this interview?

jimin : i wanted answers. we’re both really bad at communicating with each other so i saw my opportunity and took it.

you : what he said.

interviewer : what’s one thing you hated about the other?

you : i hated his tendency to push everyone away. there were periods when we would argue over nothing, but i would actually enjoy it. i mean it was better than him outright ignoring me.

jimin : i didn’t “ignore” you, i was busy and i lost track of time.

you : [rolling your eyes] sure..

jimin : what?

you : nothing.

jimin : y/n we’re both here to get our answers. if you have something to say, you can say it.

you : …i just find it funny how many times you lost track of time whilst “working” but you was spotted partying. it’s odd but insignificant.

jimin : and this is when the arguments start. y/n. im telling you that it meant nothing. yes sometimes i tucked my phone away and went out with my friends. sue me.

you : it’s just— where was this attitude when you blew up at me for dancing with someone at the club. you act like we’re together then we’re not and it’s confusing!! your words aren’t adding up.

jimin : now you know exactly why i did that.

you : i really don’t but okay. next question please.

interviewer : jimin hasn’t given his answer yet.

jimin : i hated when she would overthink. whether that be about herself or us, nothing good came from it.

interviewer : what’s your favourite thing about one another?

jimin : i like everything about her but my favourite thing would have to be her way of loving. being loved by her is something special.

you : his ability to make me smile at all times.

interviewer : what’s one thing you’ve always wanted to tell the other?

you : i fell in love with you.

jimin : i fell in love with you too and it hurt more than anything when we stopped talking.

interviewer : is that all?

jimin : [holding eye contact with you] you are enough.

you : thank you.

interviewer : would you be willing to try again, maybe move onto something further?

you : i feel like i need to take some time off and work through my own personal issues first, but yes i would be willing.

jimin : take as long as you need. i’ll wait for you.

…

[1 year later…

interviewer : this exact day a year ago, i interviewed jimin and y/n where they discussed all things in the past. today we’re catching up with them to see how life has changed.

you : ive been doing yoga and jimin has been out of the country, touring and doing whatever he does. we haven’t really met up in person but we text each other 24/7.

jimin : when i come back, we’re planning on staying at a resort for her birthday. just the two of us. we can finally get some alone time and really talk things out.]

© 2021 all right reserved.

[raki-fallfallingfallenfall-2]

memo; the next morning

“I’ve been assuming that people who had sex staying in the bed until other one wakes up is protocol but it seems like I have been wrong. “

“Oh, um, morning, Sherlock. And im sorry, I was just, thirsty and wanted a cup of tea. “

“You seem not to have even a sip though.”

“Um, well, you want some? “

“Sure. “

John doesn’t make eye contact.

“What?”

“What what?”

“You can say what you’re thinking about, though I think I already know. “

“Y-, you do? What is it, then?”

“Regret. “

“What?”

“You’re regretting that we had sex last night and you’re thinking it was huge mistake that we went out to drink and ended up in my bed. “

“What? No! Sherlock, I’m,..”

“Then why you sneaked out of the bed? Why are you so upset? Why you barely see me in the eyes? “

“Because, I,”

“Which is fine with me by the way. Don’t worry John I won’t beg you to be my fucking boyfriend or whatever. We were both drunk, drunk two people get have sex, it’s not a big deal. It was one time thing and we can continued working and living together just as we used to. “

“Is, is that what you want?”

“It’s exactly what you want, John. “

“No it’s not. “

“Then what is it? What do you want?”

“I, I,….”

“You don’t know? Hmm? I have heard that words from you countless times this decade but that one sounds most ridiculous of them. “

“I’m sorry but I’m so confused! I’ve been living as sis-male for 40 years and now the sex I had with you last night was the best one ever and I wasn’t really drunk that much last night but you were, so much, so I remember everything, your voice, your smell, your skin, your touch,…and im so confused. I feel like I’ve been betraying you all this time because what I’ve done last night was exactly sounds like that. It sounds like what I’ve been doing this 10 years was just to get you attached to me and seduce you to this end.

But the way you drunk was too adorable and hot and I couldn’t…you’ve been leaning on me while I was trying to hail a cab and in the car you kept turning me on touching me and murmuring me but I could handle it, until I set you on the bed. No, I’m not making this whole your fault, I’m the one who had failed self controlling, you were just staring at me from the bed. Literally you just saw me and I got… oh I’m so sorry I feel terrible. How could I make this right? I know you don’t like me same way as I do to you. But I don’t want to forget about last night, I want to remember it till the day I die, even after. I want to be more to you. More than business partner, flat mate, friend. I want to be yours and want you to be mine. I don’t want it to be just one time. This morning I just suddenly got why I’ve been so jealous about Molly and the woman and jenifer,…Oh, oh fuck what am I saying…sorry I’m, I don’t know what to do. I’m so stupid that I fell for you who never did the same… What can I, how can I fix this? What can I do for you to erase this whole thing? I can move out and, and break our business partnership if that’s what you want but, please don’t hate me, Sherlock. It’s fine if you never meet me. But please…”

“—Do you know what I had been doing during that couple years?”

“Wh..what?”

“Do you know what that two years were like for me. “

“I,… I did ask what happened to you from your brother though…”

“From my brother, of course. “

“What are you trying to say Sherlock?”

“I was thinking about you, John.”

“About me?”

“When I was being chased. And tortured.”

“…—”

“In my mind palace, there’s a room for you. In there, you are reading your stupid novels. You are typing with two fingers and little frown. You are dozing off on the armchair. You are drinking a cup of tea. You’re listening to me play.

You tap on my back or shoulder when we pass by in narrow kitchen. I can feel warmth of your hand in the brief moment. You tell me to clean up the mess I made and nagging me to tidy. But always you do eventually because I never did. And we go out for cases. You’re as clueless as usual and give me some compliments as always. We run. We hide. We chase. Feel our veinAnd we laugh. Ridiculously. And we go home. Together. You go to your room before me always, you wish me good night and rarely I reply but I know you don’t care. And I sit armchair, play the violin occasionally.

And I wait for the next morning.

Wait for you enter the room and say good morning.

Wait for your eyes catch me and drown me in the ocean.

That deep, warm, calm ocean of yours.

…When I out from palace they’d been gone mostly. I was managing it like that.

Just few more miles I run, just few more times I get caught, just one more time I done, then I can get home. I can get to see you. I can get warm again.

That thought had kept me running, hiding. and breathing.

You made me survive. “

[justalads]

c!niki and c!wilbur enjoyers. pspspspspspsps

alright guys so last night i rewatched pretty much all of the pogtopia arc. and this isn’t meant to be a big, important analysis post (it’s kind of incomprehensible), because my brain is fried from, you know. rewatching pretty much all of pogtopia. but i do have some stuff i’d like to say.

(this also just became a niki meta sorry i love her. i really just got emo about her during the second half of this and it got long. i have a lot of feelings about her and wilbur’s friendship.)

it’s a pretty general conclusion that wilbur’s real “downfall” began on october 8th, during the stream “who are you go away”. of course, his spiral and the process of him losing faith had begun much earlier, more around the end of the first war or during the election. but the big switch, so to say, was definitely here, when as wilbur walks back from schlatt’s announcement, he asks tommy if they’re the bad guys.

this entire scene was so interesting to me. wilbur here is a man who has lost hope, someone who is backed into a corner morally and has nothing left. he points out that they can never really reclaim l’manburg without forever tainting it, and that schlatt knows this. the entire half an hour or so before, schlatt has been taunting wilbur about losing that power. the emphasis of the festival on “democracy” is so clearly a barb thrown at wilbur, and it works.

wilbur’s “nothing left to lose” in this vod is a mirror to niki’s “you know what they say about a woman who has nothing left to lose”. this will not be the first time they mirror each other.

basically, wilbur’s angry. when schlatt announced the festival, wilbur realized that maybe it wasn’t a terrible thing. so once he worked around into the mindset of “we’re the bad guys”, he was able to justify saying he was going to blow up the nation with no remorse. he wants chaos! he wants no survivors!

does he do it? god no.

during the streams leading up to november 16th, wilbur is consistently scared. he goes back and forth on it, and makes multiple “conditions” that determine whether he’s going to do it or not, almost begging someone to stop him. he whispers to himself that he’s scared, that his hands are shaking, that he’s not sure if it’s the right thing to do. because despite what he says about “not caring about any of them”, the instant niki is threatened after tubbo’s death, wilbur walks up to schlatt and tells him that if he’s going to kill anyone it should be him. later, when quackity and tommy talk him down from pressing the button, he can’t press it because they’re there and he can’t bring himself to kill them as well.

but he has no problems with putting his own life at risk. he refuses to wear armor half the time, and actively places himself in harm’s way to save others. he still cares about everyone else, as much as he says he doesn’t. even when he does cause harm to others, during november 16th, he immediately begs phil to kill him. “look, they all want you to.” he can’t live with what he’s done, and how he’s hurt people, but he couldn’t allow manburg to continue.

the man is terrified and angry and he can’t win. and even as he tries to stuff himself into the mind of someone who doesn’t care, he cannot. when he finally does, he cannot live with being that person.

but the reason i rewatched this arc was to see niki’s point of view, especially after her statements during her last stream. i genuinely think that wilbur’s only betrayal of her was pressing the button, because he betrayed everyone. they might have known he was going to do it, but they had faith he wouldn’t.

wilbur cared a lot about niki. her life under schlatt was awful, wilbur hated that she was suffering, and the scene where wilbur plants himself directly in the center of the festival and tells schlatt to kill him instead hits pretty hard. he has the argument with schlatt, and then turns to niki and tells her to run. he then hits people and sprints away, trying to give her time to escape.

this is also when he asks her to join pogtopia, because now that schlatt has said he’d kill her, it’s a safer place for her.

so the man did care about her. niki is angry at the memory of him that she has. it’s been twisted by time and her own grief and paranoia.

in rewatching pogtopia, i realized that a lot of people hate the memory of wilbur. not him, and what he did. they think he didn’t care. and to quote hamilton (apologies):

“history obliteratesit paints me in all my mistakes”

does niki have a right to be mad at him? absolutely. he caused direct harm to her by blowing up l’manburg, once it was reclaimed. but she’s wrong that he never cared.

(an interesting note: wilbur only blows it up after techno starts fighting people outside. he hears it, and says “look, they’re fighting”. he didn’t re-initiate the conflict of the country. the fact that even after peace was won people were fighting just gave evidence to his belief that the entire country was corrupted.)

niki has been hurt a lot, and wilbur has things to answer for. but we as the audience know that her statements are just her perception. she is a character who acts on perceptions. the entire stream was in black and white. during doomsday, upon seeing wilbur log on (as ghostbur), niki has a panic attack and destroys her bakery, trying to rid herself of the pain of the memories. her lines during this stream are chilling, whispered repetitions that are a mirror of wilbur’s end.

(paraphrased, it was long and confusing but there are a few bits and this was the essence of it)

“wilbur is gone. this isn’t happening. he is dead. l’manburg is gone.”“it is real, i am real, he is real and he is dead.”“l’manburg is gone, i am real, i am l’manburg”.

(god. dude i could spend Months analyzing this one stream alone. there’s so much here.)

doesn’t that sound a bit like “my unfinished symphony”? wilbur and niki both attach their own self to the nation they fought for, and can see it as an extension of themself. they both destroy parts of it in acts of fear, attempting to save everyone else from what they’ve made.

what i pulled away from niki’s stream is that she’s not healing. i remember the chamber she locks herself in at night. i remember her refusal to eat. i remember how she was so angry at tommy, and she later realized that anger was misguided. niki genuinely believes that wilbur did not care about her, and that’s not surprising: when he died, she denied the fact that he was gone. she represses the things that she can’t handle, same as lots of other people. it is easier for her to pin her hurt on wilbur, because she needs somewhere to pin it. people feel more in control if they’re angry, not sad.

the song cc!niki said was for her character really emphasizes this. it’s a coping mechanism.

but even condemning wilbur won’t help, because she will still never get closure. niki cares about what others think of her, and so she can’t move on from someone hurting her. she can’t move on because she thinks he hated her. she is angry that he is back, but it is an opportunity for her to heal. she couldn’t heal when he was gone. she’s not the only one with a negative perception of wilbur, after all. he has one too. the two of them really need to talk.

i want niki to be healthy and safe. i want to see her heal so badly, and i do think it will happen. after wilbur died, his betrayal of her stayed with her, and it eventually became her memory of the betrayal that she hated, not the thing itself. it’s been months since it happened. niki wants to find an outlet for her hurt, because she wants to feel better. there’s a pattern i noticed: she only gets mad at people once she hasn’t seen the person themself for a while. and once she sees them and talks to them, and realizes that they care about her and don’t want to hurt her, she stops blaming them for it. she only hates her perception of them. example one? tommy.

man was in exile for a long time, and when he came back he “brought” fighting. that’s how niki saw it. but the fact that after she spent time with tommy (trying to kill him but. details, details) she forgave him because she saw it wasn’t his fault is a really good sign.

i genuinely think that speaking to wilbur will help niki, and it will also help wilbur. after all, they both hate wilbur. the entire perception of wilbur as some heartless, crazy manipulator needs to be shattered for both of their sakes. they both buy into it.

i want niki to know that others care about her, and that she has places she can feel safe. she hates that wilbur is invading the syndicate, because she’s scared of his memory hurting her. i don’t think wilbur will hurt her on purpose, because even though he sees himself as awful, he doesn’t hate her. he never did. usually, with people who have hurt someone else, i want them as far away from the person they hurt as possible. if wilbur does hurt niki i’ll probably cry. but again, it’s not him that hated her, or really him that hurt her in the way she thinks he did. when wilbur was dead, niki didn’t get any better. her memory of him festered and made her feel worse. that’s also why niki killing wilbur or hurting him somehow wouldn’t help her heal. i want wilbur to explain that he didn’t hate her. is wilbur even close to self aware enough to help niki? nah. this is going to take a Long time, and it’s going to hurt.

last thing i swear lol

during niki’s stream, she says that wilbur manipulated her. again, i watched pogtopia last night, and i’ve watched the rest of season one recently as well. i genuinely don’t see it. but i do think i know why she said it.

during season one, wilbur doesn’t manipulate niki. he doesn’t have a chance to later, he’s dead. so then, what is she talking about? of course it’s a perception, same as a lot of her other claims. i think she’s talking about how she cared for l’manburg.

niki joined the server as wilbur’s friend, to join his nation. she grew to care for l’manburg. she devoted herself to it, same as he did. but doomsday showed us that she hates that. in niki’s eyes, l’manburg only brought pain for people, and because she ties herself to it, she hates that she ever cared about it. she can’t allow herself to care for it, because it was used to hurt. so how does she cope with knowing that she once did? she pretends she didn’t.

if she can convince herself that it was wilbur who convinced her to care about l’manburg, she can avoid blaming herself for her own pain. and yeah, she shouldn’t blame herself for it. it’s not her fault. the entire situation is tragic and a little hopeless and once again really makes me hope that she recovers. l’manburg was ruined for her by others. schlatt, techno, dream, wilbur. again another place where she and wilbur are similar: they convince themselves they never cared about l’manburg because of the hurt it caused.

to summarize: wilbur’s going to get a shock soon. don’t know when, but probably the prison visit. something is going to shake his perception, the story is hurtling towards that. once he is able to take responsibility for what he did, and feel safe (because a lot of what he does now is out of fear of being alone or useless), then he and niki need to talk. niki needs something to get her out of her own head. she’s spiraling too. they are essential to each other’s recovery because of how much they meant (and mean) to each other.

anyways i miss early season one niki i liked it when she was happy :(

~ Lad 2

[greensaplinggrace]

honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.

[huntertherapyeras]

I would LOVE to hear about your post amphibia headcanons!!!! What are your thoughts??

hiii moth 💜 hiiiii tumblr mutual/friend @colordesign (referring to u by url bc idk if u want ur name out there 💜) ok so i am having a big adhd moment and keep getting distracted from answering this ask but im just gonna do it!!! bc i really wanna talk about my hcs!!!! this is gonna be so long sorry in advance!!

ok so for my first hc its about the calamity trio as a whole post amphibia... i desperately dont want marcy to have to move away from all of her friends after this (i think that would break my heart) so in my brain they end up staying with anne while their parents move wherever they want. is it realistic? no, but it feels good to me so imma stick with it. sasha stays over all the fucking time too but he still has to stay with her parents for Custody/Visitation reasons sometimes x.x she HATES it but such is life...

they eventually move into an apartment together after high school. sasha teaches martial arts or fencing or smth similar, anne works part time at thai go and maybe gets a degree in film??? (i know she isnt a school enjoyer but she just loves film and tv so much thats the only thing i can imagine her going to college for!) marcy spends a lot of time during college exploring various majors and ends up getting a few different degrees - probably one in like, environmental biology and one in anthropology at least! (these hcs arent set in stone, im mostly just thinking aloud for these ones...)

oh and during high school they visit amphibia on the weekends. afterwards? its different times but they still visit a lot!!!!

and theyre dating ofc 💜 all three of them 😌 polyam icons

onto personal hcs which ARE more set in stone for me:

sasha ends up coming out as bigender in high school. he uses she/he alternating pronouns! she is a lot less like, fake post amphibia because after being there so long he realizes that its just a behavior that he was using to protect himself and that it really wasnt even working bc it drove anne away and attracted people she didn't really want to interact with esp after everything. but another thing that complicates this is that i ascribe to the hc that sasha comes out of amphibia with a facial difference, which tends to kind of also make Fake people less likely to want to interact bc yknow. theyre superficial.

so i really like the idea that sasha ends up blind in one eye with a large scar over it. i also love the idea of him being deaf in one ear too!!!! though i haven't worked out the mechanics of how both his eye AND ear could be affected in my hc.

tl;dr post amphibia sasha is a lot more genuine, much more obviously angry and kind of blunt, and fiercely protective over the people that he loves. this isnt to say that he can't still act super phoney, because it was second nature to her for a long time so ofc he would slip back into it unintentionally sometimes. but she genuinely wants to be better and do better!!!

oh and wrt brain stuff sasha definitely has bpd (that started developing pre-approval) and ptsd (from after amphibia). he struggles a lot with hypervigilance and mood swings and he's really really sensitive to Percieved rejection and abandonment >:3 oh and my boy is defs dyslexic i dont make da rules 💕

ok so onto anne. i hc her as a trans lesbian! and this hc is soooo important to me 💜 in my brain sasha and marcy already knew that she's trans though since theyve been friends so long, but she doesnt come out as a lesbian until later on, like probably high school? i know a lot of people are really into the hc where she loses an arm and i am all for limb difference anne BUT im personally really attached to her keeping her arm but having lasting nerve damage and arthritis from her breaking it in season one because i have the same issue and yall know i love to project

i hc that post amphibia anne is a bit less easy going than before. she tries to be chill but she has a lot of lasting anger and resentment and it makes things hard for her! she'll never be the same doormat she was before amphibia, and thats ok! shes a lot better at standing up for herself and the people she cares about, which is a positive change!

wrt brain stuff anne has always had adhd and probably dyscalculia too? but after amphibia she also deals with ptsd (they all do). she struggles with hypervigilance, though to less of a degree than sasha does, and feelings of helplessness are a huge trigger for her. the events of true colors are what she most commonly has flashbacks about, and for a long time after she struggles with the scent of cooked meat especially, leading her to a life of mostly vegetarianism. its hard :(

MARCY TIME MARCY TIME MARCY TIME!!!

marcy is heavily affected by their time in amphibia. before being betrayed by andrias, being in amphibia actually helped her confidence a lot! being applauded for what they're good at was really good for them, especially since despite their good grades and talents they didn't actually like... get a lot of praise for it? but what andrias did to her was really really damaging and changed them a lot. :( it takes them a long time to get their 'spark' back. but they never lose their curiosity despite the trauma and still love themself a good fantasy even if they have more triggers than before and sometimes stuff hits a bit harder than they expect

in high school they come out as nonbinary, i hc them as agender? and use they/she pronouns!!!! i think they prefer they but theyre ok with she as well (they really like it when people alternate though)! she's a lesbian too, like sasha and anne! oh and maybe later on they experiment with they/he pronouns too!!! still stewing on that :3

in my hc part of the reason why theyre really clumsy (aside from inattentiveness) is because they have autism associated dyspraxia and hypermobility! its hard to know where u are in space when your joints just naturally go out of the "typical" range of motion (talking from experience). after amphibia they try to be a lot more aware of their surroundings but she tends to dissociate a lot so that does Not help the clumsiness at all

as a result of their injury (all my homies hate andrias) they have a spinal injury between t4 and t6. because of the healing pod, the spinal injury not complete, so marcy still does have some function in her limbs, but they experience a lot of numbness and tingling and sometimes their legs just. stop working. this leads to them being able to walk or even run (if necessary) short distances, but they get tired super easily and have a lot more balance with forearm crutches. they used a rollator for awhile, but that left them stranded a lot so then she transitioned to a manual wheelchair. but because the spinal injury affects their upper body as well, it isn't always possible for them to self propel. they eventually started using a power wheelchair for longer distances like if they want to go for a walk with anne and sasha etc etc etc. the power wheelchair gives them a lot of independence back that they weren't sure they were ever gonna have again so marcy is super grateful for it!

content warning for weight and disordered eating

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right after their possession marcy was pretty emaciated because the core just saw no point in eating even the bare minimum. so when marcy got thru refeeding and stuff they gained a significant amount of weight very quickly. they're proud of the progress that they've made though and are working on their body image (the weight doesn't bother her, but the scars are pretty upsetting for them to look at every day bc of the trauma). fat marcy rights!!!!!

my marcy is ofc autistic and adhd. they also dealt with heavy dissociation even before the trauma in the form of maladaptive daydreaming! it definitely got worse after everything. :( marcy has pretty bad ptsd from it all but they're getting better every day and having anne and sasha around to remind her of her worth is really helpful!

they love each other so much and while they all have their issues they really are happy together and that's what matters 🥺

[plush-rabbit]

Mental Toll - Brothers.

Request: My mom kicked me out, her 15 year old daughter out of her house. And I've been staying with my aunt but everything is taking a mental toll on me . Can I get a Beel, mammon, Leviathan, or asmo comfort?

A/N: Sweetheart, I’m sorry for this. It can be all so difficult for you, but please take care of yourself. Remember that nothing is your fault, you’re a child, you’re gonna be okay. Please don’t keep these emotions bottled up (im also assuming this is comfort on your situation, so yeah)

-

Mammon:

You’ll always have a place with him. He’s taken on a guardian role for you and while he might have hated it at first, he’s grown attached to you. Your guardians in the Human Realm don't matter. They decided to leave you, so now you’re here with him and he isn’t going to abandon you anytime soon. Mammon may not know what to do when he finds you crying and unable to speak, but he cares and he’ll try to show that to you, telling you that you can bunk with him for the night- you get to take his bed and he’ll sleep on the couch, you don’t have to be alone.

He isn’t exactly the best at comforting, using a bit too many words only to come up short, but once that initial nervousness wears off, he’s comforting. He’s taken care of a child before- granted they were much younger, and was then put into the care of witches- he knows what a scared kid looks like. He’ll offer what he can to you and let you rest your head on his bicep as he listens to you ramble about what happened. He won’t ever push for you to talk, but it might help sort out all those feelings that are bubbling up inside of you.

Of course it’s difficult for the both of you. He isn’t too knowledgeable about the mentality and fragility of a human mind and emotions but he can assume to be essentially kicked out of a parent’s home can be rough. He’s dealt with it before even if he knew the risks. He remembers the nights of pain and agony, the silent suffering that was thick in the air, and the lack of self-care. He comes in with a small meal every day, grabbing random vitamins that he thinks might be good for you, and just lets you rest. You see a more hidden side of Mammon, the one that cares too much, that acts almost like a parental figure and have a comforting smile and gives nice hugs.

You aren’t free to rest forever. He’s also seen what that kind of damage that can do to someone's mental health. He won’t ever pressure you to go out and do something you don’t want to, but you do have to move from the spot on his bed. You can hide yourself in his room for as long as you want, but you can’t live your life stuck in a bed. He knows that that isn’t good for anyone. You’ll have all the space that you could want and need, but you need to also talk to him and take care of yourself.

It’s his role as your guardian to take care of you and make sure that nothing bad would happen to you- you being in the Human Realm makes no difference to that. You’re still under his protection and he’ll take care of you as much as he can. Mammon can be brash, and have his sin take over, but it isn’t all that he is. He can be selfless and take care of you and let you just relax around him. There’s no pressure put on you and he’ll protect you. He promises that- he’s a demon, he’s lived for a long time and he’ll live for an even longer time and as long as he’s around, he’ll protect you.

Leviathan:

Coming to Leviathan is certainly a choice. He cares- of course he does! But, he doesn’t know what to do. Of course he knows how it feels, but it was different and so long ago and buried under memories and the fictional world, that he chose to forget that. It’s different with you. You’re a child who’s crying and at a loss for a parent that left them and it must hurt. He’s awkward, but he’ll sit by you and have a hand on your back telling you to take all the time that you need. He’s always here in his room after all, so you can always find him.

In the beginning, he doesn’t know what to do. Surely, there should be words or tips online that could help him translate his words and feelings better than “that sucks.” An apology feels so fake and unsure and he doesn't want that for you. You deserve something real, an actual meaningful interaction that might help you but he comes up blank. He doesn’t know what exactly he should say, so he just lets you rest beside him as he tells you his own encounter with abandonment and what helped him.

He tries to make you feel better in a way that helps him- via distractions. It helped him and maybe it could help you. You like to spend time with him so you both must share some type of interest in common. He feels so proud of himself when he offers you to read his manga or play some of his games. It’s a nice distraction and depending on what you choose, it can be a great way to just open up emotions and see what could effectively help trigger just that blockade of emotions for the both of you. You don’t have to do it, but it proves to be nice to just immerse yourself in some fictional tale.

Eventually, he starts to read what you read once you’ve fallen asleep. You gravitated towards it for a reason and it’s easier to talk to you like that. You get to be the hero, the protagonist or whoever you want, and he knows the struggles that they go through. He can help through an outside glance. It starts off simple, just him mentioning comments, prying for information about why you like a certain character and then in just a blink of an eye, you’re crying. You opened up and he’s by your side.

Comforting you is a bit awkward, but what could he expect. He sits by you and lets you talk through your emotions even if it makes no sense- your words are garbled and out of order- but he gets the main point of it. Leviathan understands that you’re hurting and who wouldn’t be. You’re a child, and the love of a parental figure means a lot. He might not be confident to have that type of relationship with you, but he can certainly be a big brother who lets you come into his room and sleep in a futon that he has when you’re feeling particularly lonely.

Asmodeus:

His eyes are sad, the usual glow and glimmer dimmed and his smile once beautiful and stretched, it pulled into a soft frown. Even in sadness, he still looks beautiful. With a gentle pull, he brings you into his room, and lets you set your stuff down on the floor. Asmodeus holds your face in his hands and gingerly wipes away your tears. You’ve had such a long day and it’s no secret that he has the best bath in the house, so he lets you go use it in order to destress, just enough to clean yourself and have time to gather your feelings and thoughts.

The room is suited to him and to only him, but he figures that you wouldn’t want to be alone. He has to rid some of the extra pillows on the bed, rid of the stronger scents in the room in order to not congest you more, and just declutter his room a bit more. It’s suited for him, a demon who can and lives for the finer things, but for you, he needs you to be able to breathe. The sheets are replaced, the towel that he has set for you soft and fluffy and the clothes clean and smelling like the house, a much better scent than the stitched to your clothes. He sends it to you via magic, wanting you to come to him when you’re ready.

When you approach him, he gives you a comforting smile and pats the bed beside him. He grabs your hand and massages it slowly, telling you that he’ll be here for you if you need anything. You can talk to him or choose not to, and he won’t pressure you in the slightest. You can take your time to talk to him. He feels a bit bad that he can’t tell you that everything will be okay, he knows it will, so sure of it that he’d bet himself on it, but it isn't what you want to hear. You just need to know that he’s right there by your side.

For now, you’re okay. You’re safe in his room and he likes being an older brother- at least to a few. He likes to spoil people rotten, and he gets to do that with you. You get to have everything good and shiny. You’re going to be okay when you stick with him, because he won’t let anything happen to you. He’s going to be your new home, your new big brother.

The process is tough, and he doesn’t rush anything. It’s subtle with Asmodeus and being ever so careful with his appearance, he makes sure to take care of yours. Mental health is so fragile and he just wants you to be okay. He’ll offer substitutions if certain activities can feel a bit too difficult for you, but he doesn’t push too much. You still have to take care of yourself and it might feel overbearing, but he needs to take care of you.

Beelzebub:

Family means everything to Beelzebub. At the very end of it, it’s part of the core of who he is. He feels your pain and is empathetic when you tell him what happened and he holds you close, letting you rest on his bed as he sits on the edge with a comforting hand rubbing circles on your back. He’s a demon, he knows just how cruel others can be, and yet, to see someone hurt someone as young as you, it makes him sick.

Your tears hit him hard and he can only hug you as you cry into him about your situation. There are too many emotions inside of you and it must be so difficult for you to handle all of them and he wishes he could help take that away, but he can only hold you and make sure that you sleep in a position that won’t hurt your neck once the tears have tired you out. It’s the little things that he does for you until you come to him and explain everything to him, and he’ll listen and won’t interrupt.

During this time, he tries to not be imposing. He doesn’t want you to run from him so he’ll give you time to come to him when you’re ready. He checks up on you often, knocking on your door and entering with a few snacks. He’ll stay if you ask him and talk to you about mundane stuff. A part of him wonders if that’s really what you want to hear, but he can’t say anything different. He doesn’t know what it is that you want to hear and he doesn’t want to pressure you any further. Anyways, it seems like you like to listen to him during these moments. Maybe, he provides a nice distraction.

He’ll always make sure that he has his phone on him in case you need him. He’s told you before that you can contact him whenever you want, and that he’ll come running to you. He’s sure it’s his big brother instincts taking over. He may be the sixth brother, but it doesn’t remove the fact that he has a twin. It’s only by his power that he ranks sixth. With you, he can be a big brother and be the cool and caring type that takes care of you. You can always come to him whenever you need something and he’ll make sure to give you whatever you want.

It comes to no surprise that you two develop a strong bond and you start to stick to him and he welcomes that. He won’t leave you alone unless you ask him to and he always makes sure to include you in whatever activity he has. During lunch, he’ll sit with you and listen to you and he’s glad that you're starting to feel better around him. You’ve both grown quite attached and he tries to do good by you. Beelzebub will give you whatever you need because beside his twin, you’re the youngest in the family. He’ll reassure you that nothing is your fault, that you’re only a child and that you’ll be okay. You’ve been there for him and he’ll be there for you.

[nobutfredweasleytho]

YOU JUST DON’T LISTEN(F.W)

Summary: Fred’s ex girlfriend writes him a letter to explain the how him using her wrecked her emotionally.

Warnings: angst, like a lot of angst, depressed Y/N, mentions of self doubt, a little swearing, mentions of parents not loving correctly, used reader. Let me know if I missed anything.

A/N: Major thank you to Gabriella @onlyfreds for being an amazing person and encouraging me to write whatever this mess is. I am forever grateful to you

(The font is terrible Im sorry im just getting used to working on tumblr)

Fred Weasley checked the muggle clock on his nightstand. 10:30 AM. His mom will call him for breakfast anytime now. He has been awake for quite some time if he can even count the 30 minutes he tried to sleep but couldn’t, not when every time he tries to close his eyes his mind and eventually dreams are clouded by her. By the last time he looked at her, how devastated she looked, How her face was wet from her tears and her eyes bloodshot red, but the thing Fred will never be able to forget is her voice. How raw and vulnerable she sounded while saying the most horrible thing’s anyone has ever said to him, but he can’t blame her, he has no one to blame but himself because in the end it was he who caused all of this and now its come to bite him in the ass. He hears the door open and his twin brother George enters.

“Mom says breakfast is ready and she wants you downstairs. She says she’ll drag you herself if you don’t show up again today.”

“Tell her I’m not hungry and I’ll come grab a bite later.” I really don’t feel like being surrounded by other people right now. Not in this pathetic state I’m in. Besides it will take me willpower I don’t have to not hex Ron into oblivion.

“Well she will not take no for an answer and I wont either. What’s done is done now and you’ll have to face the world someday so start with your own family because everyone down there is worried sick about you and the least you can do is show your face once in a while so they know you haven’t died of starvation or sleep deprivation.” George has worry written all over him and I’m sure the rest of the family has it too. I feel even more like shit for worrying them.

“Fine. But I come back here if she is mentioned are we clear?”

“We weren’t gonna mention Y/N anyway now lets go moms worried sick for your dumbass.”

Breakfast was going smoothly with Ginny and Ron being exited for Quidditch season, Harry and Bill discussing the unfortunate events of the Triwizard tournament last year, dad asking Hermione about a rubber duck whatever that is, but the most shocking thing is mom asking me and George about the joke shop products. George is doing most of the talking but still the fact that shes even asking is awesome. I was finally feeling peaceful this whole winter break until I heard a hoot outside the window.

“I thought it was Tuesday but since mail is here does it mean its Friday already? Oh how fast time is going.

“No Arthur honey you are right it is Tuesday, Bill or George can one of you see if that owl has the owners name attached to it and bring whatever letter he has here to see who is it for.”

Bill got up from his seat and went to the window next to the countertop to look at the mystery owl. “Do we even know a Y/N Y/L/N?”

The room went quiet. The only thing that could be heard was the owls hoot asking for its treat. Bill seemed not to realise this as he took the letter from the owl, gave him a treat and sent it on its way.

“To Fred Weasley from Y/N Y/L/N… Who’s Y/N is she the girl you’ve been crying over this whole time huh Freddie?” Bill chuckled but I just grabbed the letter. I had no time to even be mad at him because once again my mind fogs up with only her. I couldn’t help but feel relieved and the happiest I felt in a long time. She has forgiven me. Y/N forgave me. That has to be it. Why else would she send me a letter?

“I had a great time with you guys but there’s important matters for me to attend so I have to go to now. Thanks mom the breakfast was amazing as always.” And with that I sprinted towards my room, locked the door and examined the letter in my hands. It was a bunch of them in here. I went to mine and George’s worktable threw some papers that were on top of it to make room for these letters and carefully opened the envelope.

The first thing that I grabbed was a photo. It was a polaroid of me and Y/N on the Gryffindor common room. Happiness filled my heart when I started remembering this night. I looked at the back of the polaroid and surely enough there was a writing on it.

Fred and Yn on the Gryffindor common room at 1 AM the night she turned 17. Listening to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”. Picture taken by major 3rd wheel George Weasley.

Tears filled my eyes when I remember this night. It was the night I looked at her the way I always should have. Not as a replacement of someone who didn’t care about me.

The next one was also a polaroid photograph but this one I don’t remember being taken. It’s a picture of Y/N teaching me how to play the guitar. I can make up that we are in her dorm but not more as the picture is taken in black and white. I look at the back and surely this one also has a writing on it but the handwriting doesn’t look familiar at all.

A drunken Y/N accompanied by a even drunker Fred trying to play the guitar in the middle of the night. If I fail my charms exam tomorrow I’m killing you both but right now you two look adorable. Picture taken by Cho Chang.

The third one is an actual letter. I chuckle looking at the handwriting. Always so precise and not even one line out of place. I always thought Y/Ns handwriting always contradicts her hot headed persona but it’s actually really cute. I start reading the letter and my heart stops.

Dear Freddie,

I can only imagine the shock that receiving a letter from me would cause you right now especially after our last conversation.

But I have a lot to get off of my chest and I wont be able to move on if I haven’t said it all. Call me a coward but I was really scared to ask you to meet me so I can say it in person, but maybe that’s what I have always been. A coward. A coward because I get scared when someone wants to enter my life, a coward because I hate trying new things at the expense of failing, a coward because I should be able to confront people who brought darkness and sadness to my life.

But one thing I will admit Fred Weasley is that I wasn’t a coward when It came to loving you. It was the first time that I let someone come into my life and heart the way you did, and it will probably be the last. Throughout our “relationship” if you can even call it that as it was more of you customizing me to be her, to be someone I’m not. But that’s why you even talked to me is it, because I reminded you of her.

The signs were right in front of me and I feel stupid enough not to have seen them. But I guess people are right when they say love is blind. Love is such a funny thing to me as the first time I experienced the right kind of love was through you. But that was me creating stuff in my head. You didn’t love me no, you loved the idea of me. But I loved you. I loved you more than anything or anyone I have ever loved, I loved everything about you. But you just don’t listen. You don’t listen to anyone around you. Not George, not your other siblings, not Lee or any of your other friends for that matter, not your professors, but most importantly you don’t listen to me.

You didn’t listen when I told you that the love my parents gave me was only because I reminded them of my brother, the love my old friends back home gave me was one of interest. Everywhere I go no matter who I talk to no one will love me for me. I came to accept that until I met you.

You were funny and crazy and brave and oh so gorgeous. You were basically everything I looked for in… well everything. In a friend or in a partner it doesn’t matter. I thought you saw me for who I am. A broken teenager with issues but that at the end of the day was deserving of love. Oh how wrong I have been but no more wrong than you. You knew this but you just didn’t listen.

That makes us both horrible people now does it. Me who thought you were some kind of savior or some kind of saint and selfishly wrapped myself around your love and you who used me because I remind you of your ex girlfriend who broke your heart. But mine is excused I feel like and yours isn’t.

You would have kept me going for who knows how long just so you can live your imaginations you had for someone else.

Did you think about her the first time we slept together?

Was I not enough for you Freddie?

Was I too clingy too soon?

Is it my hot temper that gets the best of me?

So many questions will be left unanswered on my end because frankly, I never want to speak of you again. Sure I am deprived of love but I will not take it if its not directed directly at me.

I still care about you and will continue to support you and George on whatever you set your mind into. I was waking through Diagon Alley last week and saw this little store with a “for sale” sign. It’s right in the middle of Diagon Alley. I hate how my first thought went that you would have loved it but I seem to do that a lot recently.

I’ll get dressed and think would Fred love this skirt or this shirt.

I start applying lipstick and I’ll think will Fred love this color.

I start eating and I’ll think does this look good enough that Fred would’ve stolen a piece of it when I’m talking to Ginny.

I don’t even know why I am telling you this. How pathetic I’ve become clinging into someone that doesn’t want me.

Anyway I’ve probably bored you enough with my ranting but I wouldn’t have been able to move on unless I said everything that felt heavy on my heart. I also attached some photos I thought you’d like to keep seeing as now you can see yourself with Kayla without having the burden to be near me.

Say hi to your siblings and Harry for me.

Have a nice life,

Y/N