#i hate feeling powerless about it

[katetorias]

there is something so horrible about destroying churches, or any place of worship. im not even religious. it’s about the fact that people were so devoted, put so much effort into building and decorating and just experiencing this part of their life, that they hold so important. and all that effort is taken away by a fucking bomb

I find religion beautiful, and it’s harrowing to see these things happening in PaIestine and no one cares. suddenly now no one cares about religion or the importance of religious monuments

[onthehighwaytomel]

Man...I gotta be honest, it's feeling more and more hopeless and disillusioning to be a working class woman with a not-sterilized(-yet) reproductive system in the U.S.

I'm dreaming about finally getting my first car (that I'd own) this year, and I'll be 31 in the summer. I have more credit card debt than I ever imagined myself having, and there's never enough leftover after bills to make more than the tiniest dent in it. Ever owning property or retiring seems like a pipe dream.

I want to get sterilized because I know I never want children. But that's another major expense (even with costly insurance), and how am I going to take the time off work for it? While at the same time, knowing that I likely have a narrowing window before that too becomes illegal, because the rising Christofascism demands that women be brood mares to make more wage + tax slaves on a dying planet.

And I don't have a long term partner I could combine incomes with, or share a car with, or who could support me while I take care of something not-work-related. And I truly don't believe I'll find such a partner until I move out of the town I live in. (Believe me, I've tried... I'm not the woman these Southwest PA manchildren want as a partner, nor do I want 99% of them.) The very town that I can't afford to leave anytime soon, because moving is expensive, and most other places cost more. Never mind ever getting to a country that actually gives a shit about its non-wealthy citizens. You see my predicament.

I have friends, but I don't really have anyone else I can rely on for anything more substantial than one-off small favors, or true emergencies. It's just me, taking care of me, like it's been for the past 8+ years. Neither of my parents can help financially. I can't even afford the new dresser that I desperately need, because it's either pay at least $200 for a flimsy one from Ikea (whose drawer bottoms will fall out under the weight of my clothes, like what happened to my current one), or try to find a local one for sale cheaper, and then pick it up...in the car that I don't have.

That's not even touching on student loans...these pauses have been a godsend, and I'm still behind.

And despite all this! I'm still pretty damn privileged! And my heart breaks for the trans community, and everyone subject to the onslaught of appalling, violent laws being put forward to state legislatures over the past several months. It just all feels so overwhelming and hopeless sometimes.

I really resent being born in a time where those in charge are, with isolated exceptions, ineffective or parasitic. Being born into such an economically fucked generation. And being born into a country that does not care about you, unless you're a wealthy straight white Christian man.

I have so much to offer, and I don't mind contributing, but in my adult life, it feels like I was never even given a fair chance at anything but subsistence living.

[whentherewerebicycles]

ugh I am really struggling with a thing with a former student/mentee of mine. in the week or two of the post-hamas attack aftermath I posted something on instagram that was basically like, i feel an obligation to be an informed global citizen and believe me I read/think about/despair over the news every day but I also think it’s ok to really viscerally hate “doing politics” on social media, where complex, centuries-old geopolitical and cultural conflicts get reduced to a sensationalized infographic some teenager designed on canva last night. at the time I was watching people spread rampant misinformation about the hospital explosion when we had zero conclusive information, and had also just heard jon favreau talking about research indicating that something like 80% of the images and videos people were sharing on social media weren’t actually FROM the current conflict or couldn’t be verified as real. and idk I also have some private thoughts about how american leftists in particular really glom onto this issue because we perceive israelis as ‘white people’ and palestinians as people of color and we get to feel like we are exorcising our own country’s racial demons by advocating for the expulsion of the israeli people from land that many of them actually have deep historical ties to and at least a semi-legitimate cultural and religious claim to inhabiting.

to be clear I think the current israeli government is pretty much your trump-inspired shitty/evil right-wing militaristic populist movement and I feel like their response has squandered every single ounce of empathy garnered by the hamas attacks!! but idk I guess what I want to carve out space for is like, the right to say I AM NOT AN EXPERT HERE. I DO NOT HAVE DEEP ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE TO FULLY UNDERSTAND THE ROOTS OF THIS CONFLICT. I WORRY ABOUT SPREADING DANGEROUS MISINFORMATION IN BOTH DIRECTIONS IF I SHARE UNVERIFIED SOURCES OR REDUCTIVE TAKES. ALSO I AM A PRIVATE CITIZEN AND I DO NOT HAVE A “PLATFORM” JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT. I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO BE CONFUSED, TO NOT PASS SNAP JUDGMENTS ON RAPIDLY EVOLVING INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS, AND TO ENGAGE IN POLITICS BY MEANS OTHER THAN SOCIAL MEDIA POSTING. but idk this former student, who I had a really good relationship with for many years, has just come after me in my DMs and keeps sending me posts implying that anyone who is not furiously posting right now is pro-Palestinian genocide, etc etc, and meanwhile she is posting hundreds of unverified stories a day from Arabic-language sources that aren’t just like, anti-Zionist but are actively pro-Hamas, actively denying that the attacks on Israel happened, and actively calling for the immediate and violent expulsion of all Jews from the area. dude idk she’s not my student anymore so I think I’m just going to disengage/not respond and continue staying off insta because it sucks out there!! but it sucks!

I also just refuse to experience a war via unfiltered social media posts again. I did that for a month or two at the start of the ukraine invasion and I can’t unsee some of the stuff I saw on telegram. I don’t actually think any of us have a moral obligation to watch or share a 24/7 feed of graphic images of maimed corpses and crying children. I can’t make the violence STOP by watching that content and I also don’t believe that ravenously consuming the most terrible moments of people’s lives is a form of meaningful political solidarity. WHATEVER as you can see I still feel super conflicted about how to feel about all of this but I also have to remind myself that IT’S NOT NORMAL to click through my stories or scroll down my feed alternating between liking people’s cat photos and watching people dying half a world away. we were NOT BUILT to process world-historical events this way and it is OKAY to opt out of watching a livestream of human suffering you are personally powerless to do anything about.

[tswwwit]

Did Bill not come to terms with his feelings for Dipper until he was forced to in Confessing It, or was it earlier in the series (even if he would never admit it)? Sorry if this is sorta implied, I’m not amazing with subtext. Rereading atm and I was curious lol

Actually, Bill (sort of) came to terms with having fallen for Dipper well before Dipper got his feelings sorted.

It's in Faking It chapter 15:

[Bill] glances up at Dipper. “You…. are the single worst thing that has ever happened to me. And I don’t say that lightly, you got no idea how old I am."

[weareuniqueandimportant]

EH... THAT WAS A PRETTY WORTHLESS 5 HOURS... THE COMMENTS ARE ALL VIRGINS... SOMEONE NUTTED OR SOMETHING THINKING THAT WILL ASSERT SUPERIORITY ON HER OR SOMETHING LOL... ABUSER BIGOT LOSER CRYING STOP TAKING THE THING THEY TAKE SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY WHILE TAKING THIS VIDEO SERIOUSLY... SHE'S WORTHLESS HERSELF... ONLY OUR FEELINGS MATTER NOTHING ELSE IS RELEVANT... THIS IS SO BORING AND BIGOTED... SHE'S SUPER LAME... HARUMI IS THE VICTIM TBH... THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE ALL EVIL ALL THE BIGOTED THINGS ABUSER BIGOT LIKE THE SERIES... THEM OR OVERLORD THAT DOESN'T MATTER WHO'S THE ONE MANIPULATING HER... WHICH BTW IS WHAT THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE DOING... AS IS EVERY SINGLE ABUSER FAN OF THIS EVIL CARTOON... WE WILL WATCH ANOTHER EPISODE ONLY ONCE THEY PUSH THESE LOSERS TO THE SIDE AND SAY THIS STORY ISN'T ABOUT THEM ANYMORE WHILE INTRODUCING SOME LOVELY BRAND NEW MARY SUES THAT REPRESENT EVERYTHING IN A WOMAN SHE CLEARLY DESPISES... SHE'S A MISOGYNIST HERSELF... INFACT A SEXIST BIGOT QUEERPHOBIC BIGOT ABLEIST SANIST PARAPHOBIC RACIST ALL THE BIGOTED THINGS ABUSER BIGOT... I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S ITEMPHOBIA TBH... AND THIS ENTIRE MESS WAS ALWAYS DESTINED TO BECOME ONE... THAT'S WHERE EVERYTHING BEGINS... CAPITALISM... THE COMPANY... THE WRITERS... THE PEOPLE THAT APPROVED THEM... WHATEVER THEY BASED THIS ON... THEY NEVER CONSIDERED ANY GROUP... THEY NEVER CARED ABOUT ANYONE... THEY DIDN'T PLAN ANYTHING FOR THESE LACKING CHARACTERS AND ONCE THEY ADD THINGS TO THEM THEY JUST KEEP GETTING MORE AND MORE SEXIST... HER FAVORITE SEASON IS ASS HER FAVORITE CHARACTER MOMENTS ARE ASS... TORWARDS THE END OUR EMOTIONS WATCHING WERE MURDERED THEY DIED THEY WERE NO LONGER THERE... WHAT HAPPENED WITH OTHER CAPITALIST CASHGRABS LIKE THOSE MARVEL MOVIES... THAT HAVE NOTHING WOKE ABOUT THEM TBH BESIDES THE BANGER THE MARVELS... A NARRATIVE ABOUT HOW YOU SHOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING BECAUSE ABUSER BIGOT DON'T WANT YOU TO...

[notfknapplicable]

My mood has been all fucked up all week, and I definitely think it was all triggered by that panic attack the other day. Just found a segregationist newspaper in storage while looking for something else back there and I started cursing and yelling in front of my student worker. He's southeast Asian so I felt "safe" in that respect, but I'm still slightly embarrassed by being affected by it at all. I wish I was one of those brown people who don't even feel racism or react to it in any meaningful way. I'm just sick of this shit, sick of these people, I have no respect for whoever created that newspaper and I hope anyone who ever wrote for it or published it or was affiliated with it in any way fucking died slowly of something painful and horrible. Which is upsetting to think about because that's how my mom's mother died - slowly and painfully from something unknown to us because there wasn't the medical infrastructure we needed in the tiny, tiny town she lived in.

I cannot take the emotional turmoil of right now. There's a fascist uprising happening right now and my literal job is preserving the worst parts of American history. I feel surrounded. I can't escape the fact that this country hates me. I feel so fucking alone and unwelcome, like all of the time. I didn't choose any of this or anything about myself. I didn't even choose or want to be here, conscious and alive, right now in this world - and believe me, I wouldn't have. It's just what happened and now I have to deal with it. Of course there's no fucking god.

I'm not sure if I wish I were dead, but I would choose to not exist before I would ever choose to be a Black queer woman in America ever again.

[jentlemahae]

-

[undefeatednils]

Stuff in tags, only wanna semi-scream into the void

...

[parrrty-poison]

i'm just so tired of never having a say in things pertaining my own life

[oberon-king-of-the-cherries]

Man, Chloe has been having such bizarre bathroom habits this year and it’s really frustrating to have no answers.

The vet no longer things she’s been having utis, and it’s actually cystitis. She’s been prescribed anti-inflammatory/pain relief and a special dietary food. She seemed to be doing okay since, until today, when she had a 15 minute episode in the bathroom. Pooped outside the box, got in it and peed a tiny amount, then got out and pooped outside the box again, all the while meowing in distress and scratching the rug and subsequent puppy pad I put down. It’s really awful to hear her in such pain.

[krispiecake]

hm. so i’m not going to be a teacher.

[dykrophone]

why didn't I go to social work college. I'm so scared

[hellhoundlair]

sam getting injured while dean isnt around and cas is low on power or human at the time so he cant heal him but hes still fretting over him and sams talking hin through the process of giving him stitches and cas keeps looking up at him to make sure hes okay whenever he winces.

[cherrywperson]

Can't do anything about it.

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

so the other day, i had to deal with transphobia at a hospital i was at and tbh it didnt really bother me that much apart from the way i had to react to it. and i cant stop thinking about that.

for context, i dont pass. im a trans dude, but i dont look like a dude so im used to being misgendered and i dont normally correct people.

so when the receptionist was confused, it was like routine bullshit. i was happy to deal with it, but my mom ended up having to because if i had stood up for much longer, id have collapsed because I'm ✨disabled✨.

and while my mom was trying to calmly explain it, the receptionist very loudly outed me to the entire waiting room. which you know, not fun. she was also not subtle about her finding me weird and a freak which you know, not fun.

but then she made the active choice to fuck up my name in the system. she could have just deadnamed me, but instead she decided to put my dead middle name (which is a feminine name) into my current name instead.

so thanks to that, i was then misgendered the whole time and deadnamed and it confused literally every member of staff. pretty sure it also confused the system which led to me having to wait longer which you know, not fun.

that wouldnt have bothered me if i hadnt been sent to the hospital as emergency because i have a condition that can lead to total vision loss, and also can be caused by or lead to a stroke. like death was on the table.

and then after that fiasco, my mom headed to the car to get a drink as we (me and my brother) waited to be called. and when we were, i got to interact with another transphobic receptionist which you know, not fun.

she called my name and when i went up, she made it very clear that she did not believe me that my name was kai. she was condescending to me and was clearly trying to catch me in a lie . it was incredibly uncomfortable and honestly it was scary.

and what i hate the most about it is that i couldnt react.

the minute i react negatively, im suddenly the crazed trans person who will call the police on you if you use the wrong pronouns.

i cant get angry; i cant firmly correct them; i cant show any excessive emotion. i had to stand there and calmly react to their microaggressions.

my mom and brother got angry on my behalf. they corrected people, they complained, they made it clear that they were not going to tolerate transphobia aimed toward me. and i love them for doing that for me, but i hate the fact that i cant do it.

they can be angry about it because theyre cis.

no one is going to look at them and say oh see all cis people are crazed and unstable.

but me? if I react negatively, i risk making the situation worse and confirming their bias and hence causing problems for other trans folks.

im the one being hate crimed, im the one being discriminated against, and im the one who has to be calm and diplomatic about it.

its such an insidious form of transphobia. i felt so powerless, it was terrifying. and i felt like my only choice was diplomacy because at the end of the day, im at a hospital for something that can kill me. i cant risk being kicked out or accused of faking it or anything like that. i was fucking trapped.

and i just cant stop thinking about it now.

[fourfuckinghorsemen]

WHO exactly do you feel inferior to ?

Just about everyone. So many of them can do the same things I can. Only they don't need to solve equations, or be born with superpowers. They do the things that I spent years trying to master and never really did. And they do it so easily.

All this knowledge I had that I thought was unique to me isn't. Hell, I hardly know anything in comparison to some of these people. I don't know. I don't even know why I'm talking about this.