#i hate feeling like I'm too much fo handle

[ittybitttybunny]

Being babied to chase away the anxious and intrusive thoughts>>>>

[fuyuu-chan]

Hi bestie! You told me to drop in so here I am. I'm gonna leave a request while I'm at it hehe Hope you don't mind.

Can I request a Neuvillette fic inspired by Taylor Swift's "Anti-Hero"? I particularly like the lyrics "Hi, it's me. I'm the problem, it's me. At teatime, everybody agrees." It gives me the vibes of a reader who is shunned by society, y'know? Perfect for some angst if I do say so myself 🫣🫢

Anyways, do whatever fits your vibe. I just love the way you write our dear Iudex 🥰 No pressure though! If it's too much, then just consider this as me dropping in to say hello to you and your lovely readers. Have a good day!!!

Love,

Mayaree

It's me. Hi. I'm the problem it's me :)

Fuyuu-chan: Hiiiii beshy hahahaha thanks for dropping in lol 😆🫶 also for being the first to request 😚

Pairing: Neuvillette x Reader

Summary: Everyone doesn't like you and thinks that you're not worthy for Neuvillette, and so they make fun of you, some even ignored you. By the way people in Fontaine treat you it makes you feel insecure and question your relationship with him.

Warning: Mention of break up, a bit of yandere ish at the end?? It might not look like it for some of y'all but just in caseee hehehehe (Not Proofread)

✧⁠◝⁠(⁠⁰⁠▿⁠⁰⁠)⁠◜⁠✧

The moment everyone in Fontaine knew about your relationship with Neuvillette would probably the worst thing that happened in your life, because of what people think about you, for not being worthy as the Ludex beloved partner.

And the worst part is that Neuvillette didn't know about any of this, they only talk about it when you're the only one around, when you're not with him. You consider to tell it to him but of course you don't want to bother him, especially since he's busy with his duties as the Chief of Justice.

Now, you got invited to one tea party held by one lady that has been "kind" to you, so of course you accepted it... 'I shouldn't had my hopes up, of course she is gonna be like the others' you thought. Who would've thought that she would be like that? She appeared to be kind to you the first time you met but when with everyone, with her friends and some other ladies, she had just embarrassed you.

She told everyone that (name) is just a common girl, basic, and compared to Neuvillette she's not on his level. She even told everyone that "She's just a problem to our dear Ludex, only a burden for him" she chuckles and everyone at that tea party laughed agreeing to what she said.

Feeling embarrassed, angered, saddened, you just excused yourself saying you'll go to the restroom but after you left you never came back but one thing's for sure, everyone hated you, talked behind your back while laughing. You can't handle it anymore, everyone is insulting you and the fact that you may be ruining Neuvillette's reputation, you feel furious but at the same time what can you do? I mean they're all right aren't they? You're just a problem.

Because of everyone saying things about you, spreading rumours around Fontaine, it's hard for you to go outside because once you do people would look at you and whisper to each other.

Some even threatened you, saying you should stay away from Neuvillette or you'll regret it. You thought it's probably just his admirers that's going way too far, but to be honest it's already affecting your mental health.

Well you did distance yourself from him, like when he ask you out like go to dinner, or have some date you would decline saying you have something to do or you're currently busy. But let's be honest you really wanted to spend time with him. He was at first: "It's alright, next time we could go." But as time pass he was getting worried and confused as to why you were not seeing him anymore.

Always rejecting him. 'What happened?' He thought. You two aren't like this in the past, you two would even date every time there's a free time like after work or weekends. But why are you distancing yourself from him?

This thoughts always bother Neuvillette and the way you act. And now he found himself walking towards your house to talk to you and ask you.

Once he arrives, he knocked on your door. It took you minute to open the door which definitely isn't like you at all since you always open the door immediately when it comes to him (he have like a pattern when he knocks at your door so you know it's him).

You were about to ask him but he just got in your house and closed the door. Now you two are just standing looking at each other, the air seems tense.

"...so uhhh...why did you come here?" You said finally breaking the silence.

"Am I not allowed to come here anymore?" He asked.

"That's not what I meant, what I mean is what's the reason for your sudden visit here?" You clarified.

"It's about you...us...why are you distancing yourself from me? What happened?" He asked.

"What do you mean?... I'm just busy that's why I can't really spend time with you..." You trail off hesitating.

"Don't lie (name)..." He said as he looked at you worried.

"Did I do something wrong that makes you distance yourself from me? If I did I'm sorry... but please tell me so I can fix it." Neuvillette asked as he looked at you in the eyes.

"You?.." you asked as you scoffed a bit. "No it's... it's me Neuvillette, I'm the problem..." You continued as you try not to tear up in front of him.

You can see how Neuvillette's furrow his eyebrows as he heard you speak.

"What? You're not the problem (name), what are you talking about?" He asked as he stepped closer to you.

"So you still don't know?" You asked.

"What do you mean?" He looked at you confused on what you mean.

"People in Fontaine don't like me, they hate me the moment they knew about us, they said I'm not worthy...for you... I'm just a problem...and a burden for you" you said as your voice is starting to break, you didn't even notice that you were now crying remembering everyone's word, insults, threats.

Neuvillette was speechless the moment those words left your mouth. How could he not know about any of this? Did all of the people hurt you like this everyday? He thought that everything was alright but it turns out it's not, how could he let this things happen to you?

Neuvillette wanted to comfort you but when he was about to approach you, you step back and said "I think we should... separate ways, I don't want you to get ruined or people thinking bad things about you because of me" you said as you try to look at him.

He stood there, frozen in his place. He was processing your words inside his head. "W-what?..." He finally get to asked after a few minutes.

"We should break up" you said.

"...But why?"

"Because of me...I was causing you problems, I might ruin your reputation in the future and I don't want that" you answered as you finally looked at him teary eyed.

Neuvillette then approached you as he pulls you closer to him, he held you in his arms. "(Name) please...I don't want to break up with you...Besides you're never a problem, people is just jealous of you and that's why they did that. Besides you will never ruin my reputation because when you came into my life, you taught me how to understand people, how to be considerate and many more. My reputation became much better with you."

You lean on him while you tear up, even if you don't want to but his warmth that enveloped you, you missed it.

"B-but.." you stutter.

"Sshh..." He hummed as he pat your back in order to comfort you just like what you did when he was crying. "I'm sorry I didn't know any of this, I'm sorry you have to go through all of that alone, I'm sorry that I turned a blind eye...and I'm sorry that I'm not there when you needed me the most." He apologized.

After you calmed down you replied to him. "...It's not your fault...so don't apologize" you sniffled as you finally looked at him for him to only wipe your tears away. "No love...it's my fault too for not knowing any of this, for not seeing how much you suffer everyday."

You kept silent as you just let him comfort you. Eventually you found yourself apologizing "I'm...sorry Neuvi...for saying we should break...up".

Neuvillette only shake his head "Its alright... I know you dont mean it, you might had said it but at that moment I can see in your eyes that you do not mean those words" he said as he smiled gently at you. "But...I hope to not hear those words again...I must say my heart ache when those words left your mouth." He continued as he looked a bit sad.

"I'm..sorry, its just that...that was the one I thought would be better for us..for you" you said as you looked down only for Neuvillette to grab your chin gently to make you look at him.

"Its alright...you dont mean that anyways right?" He asked and you nod and that was enough for him to smile again. "It's those people that made you think that...I cannot believe they had the audacity to say those vile things to my beloved, to my partner, who I love dearly from the bottom of my heart. I serve them for so many decades, I protected them yet they return all those things I did with this?" he said as he tucked your loose hair behind your ear. "They didn't even repsect the person I chose to be with me forever" he looked so mad that he let these things happen but you hugged him to calm him down a bit.

"What are you gonna do?" You asked while you lean onto his chest, he reciprocated your hug as he wrapped his arms around you waist.

"Don't worry love...I will handle it all...you just rest here and relax while I fix these, alright?" Neuvillette said as he rubbed your back. "It would also be nice if we could leave Fontaine for a few days to have your mind forget this for a while, don't you think?" He asked as he looked at you.

You hummed and nod. "I guess that would help...but how about your work?" You asked as you now looked at him to meet his gaze on you.

"I'll take a few days off, I'm pretty sure the others could handle the court for a while. Especially since there's no big cases as of now." He explained and that's enough for you to relax a bit.

You finally smiled and that made Neuvillette happy, seeing you smile again made his heart finally calm down and his mind to finally rest. For now he let himself relax on your warm embrace and for later...he would deal with those people that dare hurt his beloved (name).

ฅ⁠^⁠•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠^⁠ฅ

Please do not copy, translate, repost to any other social media, Thank you.

[nvoirs]

--

It had been a stressful day at work today and the weather really wasn't helping. You usually enjoyed a hot summer's day but not when you had been pushed over the edge and well overworked. You see you were a people pleaser you just couldn't help yourself when someone asked you to help them with something. Whether that be paperwork or simply grabbing them a coffee, you'd do it nonetheless.

Today had been an absolute trainwreck of a day, your colleagues kept coming up to you asking for the usual hey can you grab my coffee from the breakroom real quick? Can you please sort through these papers? I know I can count on you. To the point where you snapped you'd been quite literally shoved over the edge and you had left work early as a ticking time bomb. Your excuse to your boss being 'your sick' and knowing you never called in sick your boss allowed you to leave.

So now here you were straight of the train that felt like a fucking sauna trudging to your apartment. You hadn't even given up your seat for a kid because you were just so out of it. The heels of your feet ached from walking for so long, throat dehydrated from drinking no water. You honestly just wanted to collapse on your bed maybe cuddle with your boyfriend although you knew he was just as busy.

Placing the keys in the door you pushed down the handle flinging your shoes off. “I'm home.” Announcing your arrival you thought your boyfriend would appear in the room but it stayed deadly quiet. Confused, you steered yourself to the bedroom you shared with him and relaxed when you saw your boyfriend, Leon, hunched over his work desk. His reading glasses were perched at the end of his nose as he looked at a bunch of paperwork that created a pissed expression on his facial features.

You crept closer, slinging your arms around his broad shoulder, hugging him and  whispering in his ear. “I said I'm home honey, did you not hear me?”

Sighing when he heard your sweet voice, he grabbed your arm with his free hand chuckling. “Sorry but I'm too immersed in getting this shit done, and aren't you home early baby?”

You let go of him and plonked yourself on the bed, the cold bed sheets welcoming you in comparison to the scorching heat you were just in prior. “Quit and came home early, work pissed me off so I just came back Leon It was too much for me.”

You had caught his attention by now swivelling his desk chair to face you, his brows furrowing as he surveyed your collapsed mess of a body on the bed. “Why don't you tell me what happened hm? Might be nice to get it off your chest you know.”

He made his way to your side of the bed, crouching next to your sprawled out position. “I don't know Lee, I really don't feel like talking about it.”

“C'mon just give it a try- please for me?” His urging made you want to listen to him so that's what you did. He crawled atop of you as you rambled on about your stressful day, talking about how you hated this one rude colleague and that people used you thinking that you were oblivious and a massive pushover.

Your voice faltered when you felt Leon's hand creep towards your skirt skimming your bare thigh. “Leon you don't have to-”

He cut you off “Oh baby but I want to, just sit back and continue telling me about your day or I'm gonna stop.”

You didn't want him to stop, you needed to feel that high right now it's all you wanted. So you continued telling him everything that was driving you nuts. All the while Leon had pulled up your skirt to get a view of your panties, sliding them off your legs he leaned down to lick a long hot stripe up your pussy.

You whimpered clutching his ash-blonde hair, the locks felt soft in your tight grasp. “Leon- don't stop, I need you please.” He got up to slide off his glasses to get a better angle at your cunt but you stopped him.

“No keep them on, want them on when you’re eating me out.” Surprised but obliging Leon continued to lap at your pussy. Your sweet arousal began to pool at the entrance, Leon meanwhile was coating your folds in your juices before cleaning up the mess he made.

The air conditioning in your apartment unit was currently broken, but even if it was working you knew that it wouldn't be able to cool you down from how hot you were getting from just your boyfriend's tongue.

Leon looked up at your writhing form, glasses steamy from breathing into your pussy your juices smeared on the lenses from Leon's continuous pressing of them into you.

“Want me to carry on?” He teased you, wiping saliva from his chin. “Please Lee, I need to come, Wanna come on your glasses.”

You knew exactly what you wanted so of course Leon had to give it to you. Carrying on with his intimate act, Leon began suckling on your little pearl of a clit. A gasped moan released itself from your mouth, moaning Leon's name like a mantra with a mix of faster, gonna cum situated in it.

All the while Leon kept going as he felt the sharp tug of his hair by your shaky hands. Arching your back into the mattress, shoving your cunt further into Leon's warm mouth. You cummed hard, spraying Leon's lenses with a clear sheen of your slick. He looked so down right filthy like this, you didn't realise you'd been crushing his head between your thighs. Releasing him he pouted and looked at you taking off his glasses.

“Aw man I actually liked it down there.”

You playfully punched him, “I guess you're welcome down there anytime.”

“Thankfully I am, and sweetheart do you feel better after talking it out?”

“You mean moaning it out, and yes I do thank you Lee you always know best.”

You pulled him close, you were both sweaty clammy skin pressed against each other but not even the heat was so bothersome as you cuddled with Leon.

--

[finniestoncrane]

request but... a-anything icky creepy yucky for audio adventures scarecrow? i want him to eat MY brain like a delicacy lmao. he's so oddly hot lmao.

All Tied Up and Nowhere To Go

BTAA!Scarecrow x Female!Reader, word count: 800 ok i. really was selfish with this one and it gets kinda fuck nasty and literally made me drool 🎃🧡 request info • prompt list • send me a request • kofi • masterlist minors DNI!! 🔞 cw: dubcon, crying, bondage, punishment, restraints, sub/dom dynamics, knife play, blood, fear play, drugs

The ropes, smooth, silky, professional, shuffled against themselves as you pulled your wrists up gently from the wall and settled them back down. Your ankles were in much the same situation, all four limbs spread up and out from your body, in a strange homage to a star. Stuck there, weak and vulnerable. So prepared was Jonathan, that the moment you agreed to let him test your fears, to make you ultimately submissive, he had offered you one of his pills, already in his hand ready to pass to you. The hallucinatory properties only now receding, revealing to you that you were now captive in... his home? His office? Yet another property he owned for the purposes of who knew what? Your chest hitched, rising and falling in a shuddering motion as you considered what this all meant.

"You agreed to this. I mean, I don't want to make this into a big deal, but I record everything that goes on in my office. I'm hoping I don't Nixon myself, but so far... it's served its purpose well."

Jonathan's voice carried over to you, loud, growing louder as he stepped out from behind the wall and walked towards you. A grim smile covered his face, eyes piercing you from behind his glasses, slender fingers tented as he menacingly closed the gap between your bodies. His free to move and covered in his usual sleek and neat suit that he wore for his appointments under the guise of Doctor Crane. Yours, trussed up, vulnerable, and covered only in long, loose fitting shirt.

When he stood still, observing you, his eyes tracing over every inch fo your body, he let out a wry chuckle. The sound turned your blood cold, skin prickling in bumps as your hair stood on edge.

"I hate to reiterate a point, but you did agree to be tied up. Left to my devices. You're not changing your mind now, are you?"

Before you could respond, Jonathan raised his hand, holding your face still, tight. His fingers pressed against your cheeks, teeth cutting against the flesh on the inside of your mouth as he pushed both side of your face inwards.

"I asked you a question."

You tried to shake your head, but he was holding you too tight. And when you tried to say no, you were all the more aware of how tight the gag around you was, the ball forcing your lips out, saliva dripping from the opened corners of your mouth.

"Hurry up, clock's ticking."

A mumbled 'no' squeezed past the gag. Not clear, but good enough for Jonathan.

"Good girl. Now..."

He reached behind his back, pulling a knife from a sheath you hadn't noticed.

"...I sense that you might need a bit of... coercion... to keep you behaving."

You could feel your eyes straining, pupils blown wide as you kept your focus on the glinting blade attached to the handle that Jonathan held so flimsily.

"See, the fear in this room is palpable, has been since you came to. But I need a little bit more.I need to be able to taste it on my tongue."

He was so close to you now, teasing the fabric of the shirt, before pushing it in a little. The move so quick, so dependent on the belief that you would shift your body back, flat against the wall, which luckily you did. And with a cruel giggle, he brought the blade up swiftly, tearing each button off as he dragged the knife towards your chin. Exposed, entirely, your nipples hardening in the cool air, your legs trying desperately to press themselves together, to preserve your modesty.

Unwillingly, unknowing even at first, you tensed your body so tight that your muscles began to cramp, and a tear dropped from the corner of your eye onto your cheek. Jonathan laughed, loud and long, before he stopped abruptly, his nose pressed against your face as he ran his tongue up and along the trail of the tear, savouring it with his eyes closed, a low moan rumbling in his throat.

You whimpered at his joy, at his delight in your apparent terror, but it still wasn't enough. Because when you turned your face from him, daring to deny him the pleasure of the salt, the taste of your fear, he picked the knife up and held it to your throat.

"Ah, ah, ah... that doesn't seem like something a good girl would do, does it?"

You shook your head, careful to avoid the point of knife. And while you settled yourself again, focusing on your breathing, reminding yourself that this is what you wanted, what you agreed to, after all, you could see Jonathan from your peripheral, unbuckling his belt and undoing the fly of his pants with one hand, preparing himself for the next step.

[wayfayrr]

More ideas to share

I feel like that dink wouldn't 100% part to sage to the point he isn't himself anymore but rather they are affected by each other in way similar to Eddie and venom, them both needing each other as they share a common enemy altho to degrees as the chain isn't on sight with sage then with dink but they both hate the chain and them wanting reader to themselves I would think they would have a similar relationship to venom and Eddie with the hole dink needing a host and sage was at the right time and place as other links would physically would fit to being dink's host like sage since their all links but unlike sage they have a personal problems with each other that would be too much work fo dink plus if dink did become just part of sage and not one being anymore he wouldn't be able to spy on reader without reader noticing. Tho the two can read each other's thoughts and see their memories. I pitch this: dink always had dark thoughts over reader ever since reader played the loz games infact he always was watching them aware that there was a screen between him and them, he heard their voice and saw their face. He was watching them every minute they were on that device they used, studying them taking notes and getting every info he get his hands on, in the games where link fought against his shadow he would always stare at them when he get the chance at first it was his curiosity to learn more on how to take down these links and I guess this person who was with link at all times but as the relationship between reader and the links grew and reader playing more loz games it became much more darker than it was before till he got enough info on what reader's actions and seeing how their not really that much of a threat when link isn't in the equation and knowing how the links would help anyone who needed help and how they are close to reader, he picked them kidnapping them from their world to his and so placing them near the chain as a way toy with them as they getting much more obsessed over reader did he too and when the day finally came he took reader and sage at girst he wanted to kill reader but their was something in his heart that just didn't want too, so instead he took them both back to the real world. What I'm basically saying self aware yandere dink. So the possibility sage gets fangs please. I got this from a dream, just dink watching reader when they play the loz games and each time they play those games and he pops up he gets much more self aware and the desire to know every single thing about reader by watching and hacking into their device and like how that horror game( AMANDA adventure I think that's what it's name is) he gets out of the screen when reader finishes Tolk he just snatches them and takes them to the era where the chain is in like he is behind them when their playing the Tolk game while reader and everyone else is unaware.

AIDVNDFNVFVOIN I LOVE SELF AWARE AUS!!!! SELF AWARE DINK BBY!!!! ✨✨✨ HE'S HEARD EVERYTHING. Sorry got a little off track with that, but really they are my favourite things 💖 and I could go off about the chain being like that.

Sage and Dink as Eddie and Venom is something I can fully get behind, although I still love the idea that Dink is slowly losing anything that isn't Sage, due to losing his magic even though at some point they don't separate anymore - yes they lose the ability to spy on reader but it wouldn't happen for at least a few months at least. Sage was the best host due to the reasons you've mentioned and as Rauru proves his body handles foreign magic the best, so rather than rejecting and keeping dink more separate he just kinda??? like with an organ transplant if you can see what I'm getting at. Also sage with fangs 👀 I'm politely looking.

NOW ONTO MY FAVOURITE PART OF YOUR ASK!! If they share memories??? Sage gets Dink's memories of reader playing the games. he'll learn the other's secrets. BUT HE'LL ALSO KNOW WHAT READER WAS SAYING AS HIS GAME WAS PLAYED!! SO HE'LL LEARN IF READER WAS SIMPING FOR HIM, OR HOW THEY APOLOGISED EVERY TIME HE TOOK DAMAGE OR ABOUT THE FROSTBITE SET. AND THAT'S ONLY BASIC STUFF IF SAGE HEARD EVERYTHING THEN READER HAS TO DEAL WITH THAT. with dink hating reader at first and slowly becoming more obsessed, gradually falling for them more with each game they played finally becoming love when he gets to know what it's like to be link in BotW and TotK because reader is so gentle??? and his eyes track the camera and originally reader writes it off until they learn that isn't normal and is more like a creepypasta or a broken savefile (sidenote @imprisioned-in-the-hole and I have talked about the links being self aware! mostly sky due to the fact that his eyes track the camera somewhat in sksw!!) And if that was the reason that he stole the reader??? because they were so so close to the chain, that they knew everything?? and now they're there and they can hold them, the real question is was the chain aware of that when they met reader in Hyrule for the first time, I know you said they weren't but if they WERE?? chaos.

[scoonsalicious]

since I can't insert any images while on anon, just imagine me reading this, and in between every paragraph, groaning in disappointment and frustration and then dropping my face against the table. Or maybe just putting my phone down and yelling into my pillow for every bad decision made...which is a lot, to say the least. I'm attacking this by part so I don't miss anything but also fo expect something long hahaha

Well, Bad Decision #1 (unfortunately. I hate that's its just #1. also BRANDON. I'm not saying that name has anything to do with me but I got confused for a second because that's what I've been calling Bucket sometimes so I was like? Bucky? lol), more like Bad Dick #1 ha ha. Anyway. I honestly wasn't surprised that he turned out to be horrendous at that LMAO. I mean, he's young and arrogant and on top of that, disrespectful and disgusting. While I don't condone violence, I mean, with how he was acting, he kinda deserved that dick twist. Was it too much? Probably. I thought so at first then I realized that he's probably done this to other girls before, and most of them didn't have the training Pocket had so it probably had gone worse so that was perfectly fine by me. Also her blurting out a Bucket's name during made me wince because yikes that's always embarrassing but I wasn't surprised. She was imagining him. And ha! you got to insert the "Who the hell is Bucky?" line! I absolutely read that the same way he said it in CA:CW. iconic line. Will probably set that as my ringtone.

But Pocket's last line about feeling disgusted but empowered at the same time and then wondering if that's how Banjo felt, left a little sour taste in my mouth. I mean, I'm no mathematician but 2 wrongs ain't gonna make 1 right. And I can already tell that was a power trip for her where she feels like she's finally in control of her sexuality for once and that she's not the one being used and hurting this time. That can only mean she's going to crave it some more, which, I mean, in the next part it was stated that it had become a routine at this point. The problem is, she's never going to be satisfied. No matter if they look like Bryce, they're never going to be him on so many levels. One: his dick game is supersoldier strong in both skill and size. Two: he took the time to know Pocket and her body pretty well and how to satisfy her needs. Three: well, she loves him. I'd argue sex with someone you love will always feel better than just casual sex (maybe I'm just a sap but anyway) you can't really get all of the above with random strangers. So now, she's always going to crave that power with no real satisfaction in the end.

Now, Sam...he's trying so hard to get through to her and he did make some great points. They are on a mission, there are lives at risk here so it's not only herself she's putting in danger. So her going out randomly and drinking without any communication is so reckless, and dare I say, selfish because who knows what could've happened to her. But she's so far gone now, unfortunately :( She definitely wasn't ready for this mission and she absolutely wasn't in the right headspace for it no matter how much she said she could handle it. I truly did think if Tony knew what happened to her in full, he never would've offered this in the first place. I mean, Bojack tried to stop her and I kinda saw how it was out of concern for her well-being, but, he did come off a little jealous and possessive on top of what he's done so, so that canceled his opinion. Still, I wish someone would've stopped it, but then again, if someone did, we wouldn't have this story haha. Now, the two of them being the ones to look into Hydra again though, I don't know how I feel about it. But then again, they are the ones who know Hydra the most. Still, I don't trust Jeremiah. I still do think she's a spy.

Now with what happened in that room. It's so hard to see all these innocent girls who are just trying to get by on life be taken advantage of. Obviously Pocket meant well, but she did come off as a little all-knowing when she scolded Chloe. Pocket was right of course, an 18-year-old shouldn't be there at all. But she went about it wrong. I also can't blame her because she probably felt so panicked and scared for her and these girls. But now, Pocket taking two lines right off the bat I just...that's one way to hit rock bottom running I supposed. She did it to spare one girl which is great but, at what cost? I could argue that now she's put herself in a vulnerable position where she wouldn't be able to help any of them. It was a good solution at the moment but in the long run? I mean, she couldn't even remember much of what happened while she was intoxicated, so she didn't even really get much information. I mean she said it herself, she's probably jeopardized the mission. But now, she's feeling free from all the pain and anger and hurt, so what happens after that? She'll crave that moment of peace even more. That's how she relapses. She thinks the drugs are going to be a great escape and that could only end so so badly.

I have a feeling where's still on our ride down this hole and we haven't exactly reached rock bottom yet. And I could nothing but watch and be in it for the ride. Amazing as always! Super grateful for you and for giving us three parts today. Sending you love always!

— Jnon 🤍

Dearest Jnon, Do we share a brain from opposite sides of the world?

I shall address your points by point. I'm sorry I named him Brandon-- I should have avoided a 'B' name, but when I wrote it, I had NO IDEA your beautiful trend would have taken such hold, lol. I just chose one of the most generic, boring names I could think of, lol. And it helped her fantasy that his name starts with a 'B,' too. She thinks she's trying to fuck the memory of Bucky out of her, but the truth is, she misses him; she wants it to be him, to go back to a time and place before he hurt her. She's searching for something to make her feel the way he made her feel (I'll come back to this).

I definitely don't condone The Dick Twist. I think it points to just how off the rails she is at the moment, and I wrote it as her having a trauma response to when he grabbed her. Like, she's only concerned about herself right now, and protecting her wellbeing, both physically and emotionally, and at a kind of throw-back moment where she's being manhandled against her will, she experiences a bit of PTSD. Hence, The Dick Twist (TM). One of the things I wanted to make sure I did with Pocket was ensure she wasn't a "perfect" reader insert. I wanted her to be a full fledged, rounded character all on her own, which means making bad choices and doing questionable things. I don't necessarily think Brandon is some kind of sexual predator who does this kind of thing often; I think he was enticed by the idea of guaranteed sex from a hot, older chick, and then got pissed when he realized he was just being used as a substitute for someone else, and he wasn't going to get anything out of it. He reacted the way I'd expect an immature, selfish college boy would react (how I've seen them react, unfortunately). And yes! Absolute intentional throwback to CA:TWS! It's, without a doubt, my favorite line of dialog in the entire story, lol.

She absolutely SHOULD NOT have gone on this mission, you're right. And if Tony had known the extent of her pain, he never would have sent her. If he knew what she was doing, he'd blame himself, profusely. But, her pride, and her false sense of being over her trauma, kept her from telling the one person she trusts implicitly.

Going to her last line, about feeling disgusted with herself and yet empowered, I definitely didn't make this clear enough, but it has less to do with Bucky than it does with the men who abused her throughout her childhood. She's lumped Bucky in with them at this point (because of him denying her consent after he slept with Jade), and she views her actions against Brandon as taking a kind of revenge on every man who hurt her, not just Bucky (I'm sticking with his actual name so as not to cause confusion with actual Brandon, lol). That's why she feels empowered, but she knows it was wrong, which is why she's disgusted. If that wasn't clear, that's my failure as a writer, and for that I'm sorry. Yes, it was definitely a power trip, feeling in control. She barely mentions it in one of the earliest chapters, but she was fairly promiscuous once she escaped her parents, in a way to reclaim sex for herself (and not panic every time she had it), and she's repeating that behavior here. She's reclaiming it after the way she feels Bucky violated her. It's something she's going to keep doing, but without the violence. We're actually not going to see any more of her "conquests," fortunately, but she keeps searching for someone to make her feel the way Bucky made her feel.

So, coming back to that: It's not going to happen for her, exactly for all the reasons you mentioned. The biggest is #3: She loves him. No amount of strange dick is going to compare to that. Like, they weren't just lovers, they were best friends. Her feelings for him are deep. She thinks that, because she was able to basically fuck herself out of her trauma in the past, she can do it again, but it's an entirely new kind of trauma, with such a powerful emotional component, and it's not going to work for her this time.

Her behavior is extremely selfish, definitely, and it's absolutely going to affect the mission, starting with what happened in that room. With Chloe, Pocket saw herself (and I'll spoil a little something-- Chloe isn't 18), and she panicked, wanting to protect this girl from falling into her old life, but it came out condescending, especially without Chloe knowing anything about Pocket's history. It just made Pocket seem cruel, but it was coming from a place of fear.

I confess, writing this chapter was so fucking depressing for me, I wanted it over with as soon as possible, so I did kind of go for making her hit rock bottom right away. I didn't want to keep her in this space for a second longer than I had to. She definitely put herself in a vulnerable position (as the next part will show) and put the entire mission (and something else) in jeopardy due to her actions, and she'll carry that with her for the rest of the fic.

The spiral-down will continue, but I honestly don't detail it. Like I said, it was hurting my heart, so I felt it was enough to show her get there, then just kind of describe how it continues for a bit. I want the best for our girl, and I hated putting her in this position. But she's tough. It sucks, but she needs to go through this so she can actually process the trauma of her childhood. She thought she had, but until now, she's just repressed it.

Thank you, as always, for your insightful thoughts and theories. I love reading your take things! I love you!

[antispopausandstuff]

a birthday letter to me.

today's my birthday, and this felt like the right place to write something like this.

i think i should put a warning here: this does talk about s--cidal ideation, abuse, medication, and other serious topics. if you feel you might not be able to handle that, please look away or proceed with caution.

.

dear younger me,

hello. i'm ( xx ) now. that means you've made it longer than you thought you would. i hope that makes you happy, at least a little.

listen. i'm proud of you.

everyday you woke up was a sign that you were more than deserving to be here. i'm sorry that you punished yourself so much. i'm sorry you felt you weren't enough for anything or anyone. you never had to be perfect. i just wish you were happy.

i'm on medication now! i'm getting the help we desperately needed. and this is the happiest, the most normal i think i've ever been. i don't walk around with a heaviness on me anymore. the world doesn't feel like it's closing in on me. i don't feel like a coward, or an egotist, or a brat, or small. i just feel like me. i wish you got that too.

don't look for rope. or fabrics of any kind. don't pick up a knife. don't look for a bottle. your brain is lying to you.

now, why it's doing that, i have no idea. but it doesn't really matter. what matters is that there are people who want you to be here, and i want you to be here.

mom loves you. she loves you more than you know. she would do anything for you. please don't feel like you're a burden to her. you never were. please don't feel like you have to be strong, so that she knows you don't have to lean on her. you're her child. you're a child.

our dad, he's...

honestly, we aren't anything special. and i'm done being angry with him. it was exhausting. i realized a while ago that we didn't need him in our lives to be happy. i didn't cut him off, but i don't feel the need to bring him in. if something happens, it happens.

i wanna say he does love you, but i don't honestly don't know myself. still, to this day, i still don't know if he loves us. i'd like to think so, but it wouldn't be how we actually are. it'd be how he sees us. and i don't think i like that.

maybe in the future, things can change. i'm not going to wait on it.

our mom's been more than enough for us. i know you love her a lot. so, for now, that's why i'm saying push away the thoughts. i know you'd hate to see her cry.

...

you have a girlfriend now. her online name is pride. she's been our best friend for about 3 years, i think. you asked her out a few months ago. it's so weird how different we are from not that long ago.

she's kind. she's tempered, hehe. she's smart, considerate, excitable. of course, she's also struggling right now. her living situation's not the greatest. but she's making plans to leave, and we'll be there for when that happens, right?

her and i have changed a lot.

unfortunately, we've done things we regret. but it's best not to spend our entire lives feeling guilt over everything we do.

this might be a change of plans for you, but i don't plan on getting married or having children, hehe. unpredictable. and you know how we are with that.

you've also gained friends. actual friends. they mean a lot to us, and they'll change your lives too. a lot. some of them will drive you nuts, and you might feel like you're the only with some sense, buuuut that doesn't change that you love them and they love you.

some of them are goofy assholes, hehe.

you haven't "started" on many projects. but that's okay. i consider starting just thinking about them, at least. so, you're already doing enough. i've done some concept art! it's not a lot, but it's a beginning on that side fo the journey. maybe next year, i'll get more done. mom wants us to publish a book! i think that'd be cool.

don't overthink it, yeah?

i think once you start more and more, you'll understand your characters a lot better. everything will come so much easier for you, i promise. trust me, you won't feel like someone is watching your every step, or is judging you behind your back.

in fact, there's this one character you've been thinking about a lot. their name's beck.

they've become a comfort character for you. they've gone through a lot, and managed to make it through. their ending isn't the happiest, but they're trying.

i would talk more about them, but uhhh... spoilers, heh.

nothing's positively change with our extended family, to be honest. and i'm fine with that. i know it makes ma sad, though. so, we should try to be there for her. i think it's working. do you?

mmm...

i think i want ice cream today.

oh, i'm working on some illustrations and stuff throughout this month! 'cause i'm indecisive, so i just went with making multiple things for my birthmonth instead of my birthday. i think it'll work out. annnd i think you'll like it.

you might be wondering why i'm typing all of this out.

it's because you kept thinking that if you continued living, there would be nothing to your life. that's not true. i hope that's clear now.

there's one last thing i think i'll put in this letter, before i go.

i'm trans. non-binary, to be specific. if you don't know what that means, don't worry too much about it. it's not a bad thing, i promise. just means you're going through some changes. they're not going to be scary, our family will accept you. the family that matters. everyone you love will accept you, and see you for who you are. that's what it'll mean for you.

please don't be scared.

i love you.

see you next time. - ashe

[wormsmith]

hi hi, i'd like to ask for a tolkien matchup, preferably from the hobbit!

I'm pretty much introverted, but i wnjoy being around people i'm familiar with, and i have pretty good social skills. I'm a slytherin (secondary ravenclaw) and my mbti type is intp.

i enjoy reading and writing, especially all sorts of fiction, fantasy (and maybe a bit of romance). i love cats, dogs, horses and dragons. my favourite color is probably black, dark green or dark wine red. I play guitar and i shoot a bow.

I have a particular fondness for all sorts of folklore, legends and mythology. I'm pretty sarcastic and confident. i enjoy being around nature. I'm slavic, that's probably why i really like to braid my own hair, as well as others'.

I'd say my aesthetic is something in between chaotic academia and witchcore. my favourite school subjects are biology, chemistry and history. i like horse-riding, rock and pop music, and foggy mornings.

my pronouns are she/they, i have no preference in gender of the matchup :) i'm a gemini, i have pale skin, light brown curly hair and blue-grey eyes.

Your top matches were Fíli, Kíli, Legolas, and Thranduil, but ultimately I match you with . . .

Kíli!

(just about the only dwarf that doesn't hate that you like dragons afhskjl)

You have a confident powerhouse sort of vibe that immediately draws Kíli's attention to you. You can fight, you aren't afraid to defend yourself, or call someone on their bullshit. He likes a woman who can handle herself, or himself, if you're open to it 👀 (Please step on him.)

He does, in fact, start shamelessly flirting with you just about as soon as he meets you. The attraction is most certainly there, but it takes some time for the infatuation to fall into genuine feelings territory. Frankly, he's too busy being blindsided by how perfect you are to actually get to know you, but after hanging out with you one on one for awhile . . . well, he's head over heels.

At first he gives of this aura of bravado, very bold and confident, but you'll soon find he has a softer, more romantic underbelly. His flirtations go from "You can handle me anytime *winks* " to " Your eyes are like the sky at my favorite time of day. "

He is curious to learn about your craft (he assumes writing is your craft) and will most likely ask if he can read something you've written. He's very polite about it, and won't be at all offended if you don't want to show him. Kíli seems to understand that some creations are made for the creator alone.

On the the other hand, if you are willing to show him, he'll read it all, no matter how long it is. He likes the fantasy genre as well, and doesn't mind a bit of romance. He's not the best writer, but he does point out some things he liked about your work. Asks if you have anything else he can read. He will read everything you've ever written if you let him.

He likes hearing you talk. He likes listening to you tell him your myths and legends and just about anything else you've been learning recently. He's a sucker for stories of any nature, but you'll find that he has a bit of a penchant for the old tales, as well. He'll start finding ones that he likes to offer in exchange for the ones you tell. He likes the scary ones. Until it's late at night and you're alone and oh fuck, was that a chupacabra? Stop laughing, Amrâlimê, it's not a joke!

Any time you hang out with animals, he gets heart eyes. Just stares at you the entire time. Fíli makes fun of him for it constantly. Chances are, he's going to find out what your favorite animal is and bring you to a place where you can adopt one. Kíli loves your pet so much. Straight up calls it 'our pebble.' (Pebble being the dwarvish term for kiddo.) Absolutely spoiled, both you and your pebble.

If you play your guitar, he will hum along. Eventually starts picking up on songs you play more than once and will end up humming them beneath his breath at random times of day when he's working. Might even come up with a few cobbled together lyrics for one, if you seem super fond of it. You're going to have to poke it out of him, though - he doesn't think he's the best lyricist, he just sort of made it up, they're not very good, Amrâlimê, really -

(They're perfectly alright lyrics. It's a nice song.)

Do I even need to said it? Braid his hair. He's a dwarf ffs, he'll literally adore you. Also, he's braiding yours too.. It's a very intimate, yet light-hearted thing for the two of you. Brings you closer together every time.

Please imagine Kíli waking you up in the dead ass of morning but - no, no, wake up Amrâlimê, it's important - I'm sorry if you like your sleep but it's foggy outside at Kíli noticed you like that, so he's putting you on a horse and taking you to a beautiful forest clearing he found where you can have a quiet morning together. Or maybe all day. Whenever you're ready to go.

You are the love of his life, his One, his favorite person ever. He loves you to death, even if he's a little dumb about it sometimes, and he will go out of his way to make you happy. Absolutely head over heels for his badass, intelligent, talented One. Much love for the both of you 😊

[necro-hamster]

9 12 18 22 !! fallout and/or fc5

( this post )

9) worst part of canon

for fc5 i'd have to go w the endings, touched on it in a previous response but i think they both suck ass tbh. i end up just making up my own shit.

for fallout..... well that's a hard one because fallout's canon isn't very good. and has a lot of weird shit in it. i mean honestly i could just broadly gesture at all of it. fo has So Many Problems. but to point out smth specific, the way ghouls are handled comes to mind almost immediately. tons of missed potential and a lot of inconsistencies. wtf was up with the ghoul kid in the fridge?? lil man was NOT in there for 200 years. his ass would've fucking died. they still have to like. eat and stuff. plus it's just weird how 200 years post nuke ppl are still like EWWW AN IRRADIATED PERSON!!! like? bro you're all fucking irradiated. i know about your 11th toe and that weird spot on your butt cheek. you'd think ppl would get used to it by then. i get that obviously hatred of groups like that doesnt just go away over time magically but it just feels unrealistic the way they handle it. also boring.

i guess if you want an easier answer then i think it's stupid that the brotherhood of steel is still going strong on the east coast lol

12) the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

grinding my teeth together. preston garvey for fallout. i will defend him until the day i fucking die. i'm convinced that the reason so many ppl hate his ass and are annoyed by his very presence is bc he's black idc. kiss my ass. he's my best friend.

also!! raul!!!! nobody ever fucking talks abt him but he's my FAVORITE new vegas oc. i think if he looked more fuckable ppl would pay more attention to him honestly 🙄

for fc5. hurk jr. the only reason ppl don't give him as much attention as sharky is because he's fat. idc. i will stand by this until the day i die. but i guess i'll fuck him since everyone else is a coward about it

18) it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

CODSWORTH. it's criminal that bethesda's lazy asses slept on him too!!! he's got SO MUCH potential as a character but they didnt even give him a side quest???? i need yall to integrate him into your sole's story more PLEEEAAAASE. also raul again lol

far cry 5 im absolutely gonna have to say faith, she's so interesting but gets pushed aside so often and it pisses me off to no end. but that's the boring answer. that's the answer everyone expects. so i'm also gonna point out that i think it's super lame how so few ppl actually focus in on the cult and what average ppl were going thru inside of it. because, like, this isnt just Fascist Murderers or Literal Human Traffickers like the other games. they're cult members. many of them are victims of this shit too. obviously some of em were definitely just having fun killing ppl but like there were prolly a ton of ppl who were also just normal folks in desperate need of help and community and they ended up here. please have more discussions abt this shit.

22) your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

for fallout, prolly civilization as a whole? specifically settlements/cities/towns/etc. a lot of ppl focus on being Alone In The Wastes (which is fun and cool) but i rlly like that we see time and time again that society has rebuilt in plenty of places. there's a city on a boat for gods sake. can we talk abt that shit more pls pls pls pls.

for fc5..... god. again my mind just turns toward faith and her craziness. ppl hate talking abt how much of a freak she is. so ig i'll go with the environment. how hope county is a rural place and the way that must've shaped many of the characters, including ocs who are from there. yall dont get it 😩😩😩

[gxmergurl]

I like your blog and oc! I have a question (i have read to much deep into your blog, so maybe this is already stated or answered) how did the other siblings react to lucas and joseph? Or do they not know?

First of all, thank you anon! I'm glad you like this blog and Lucas!! ❤️❤️

I think I did mention this before somewhere but I will gladly answer any and all questions regarding Lucas so no worries. This is pretty long, sorry about that I like talking about Lucas and how him and the heralds interact and I went on a bit of a tangent, sorry about that!!!

In the beginning they were all really skeptical of Lucas and didn't understand why Joseph would 1) save his life when Lucas just tried to take his and 2) why he would let him go and do as he pleases. They trust Joseph and his decisions but were all still on the fence about trusting him or not.

Faith hated him in the beginning. She also let him know, seeing as she knew what it was like being in the close circle and not related to Joseph but chosen by him. She was telling him how he would be replaced some day when he wasn't useful anymore. Lucas didn't give up though and after meeting her a few times, seeing that Lucas only wants to save those close to him because they didn't have a choice like he had (and the fact that he's allergic to Bliss so it's a whole different story) she starts to warm up to him. And since he isn't replacing her or anything like that and instead acts more like the big brother she never had she grows fond of him. She's pretty chill with Joseph and Lucas getting together since she sees how much Joseph means to Lucas and that they would risk a lot for each other.

John hates Lucas. He just does. He hates that Lucas means so much to Joseph. He hates that he's getting special treatment. And yet he loves Lucas in a weird way. Lucas is a dick to him, they have matching energies. They fuck each other over in everything, always sabotaging each other. And yet they will never seriously injure each other. They hate each other but care for each other. Lucas can't help but tease him and sees a lot of behavior his baby sister also had when it comes to John so he can't help but do it. He saves John multiple times when he could have easily killed him. He also saves John from being shot by Joey as he walks in front of the gun, making his best friend hate him as he dragged her out fo the bunker leaving it standing with John inside, alive. John is forever grateful for it. He's kind of jealous of Joseph for being with Lucas but he'll never admit it. He hates that Joseph is able to bend the rules as he wants and hin and the others aren't. And yet he'll never let anyone know.

Jacob doesn't feel strongly about Lucas. He does find it admirable that he is so strong willed and a good fighter. Out of the three heralds he's the only one to not hate him at first. He gives Lucas some more training, especially close combat, and teaches him how to handle more weaponry. He doesn't care that Lucas and Joseph are together. He is happy that his brother is happy and knows how much Lucas cares for Joseph from just watching them interact and the way Lucas behaves. He also is the only one to understand the PTSD Lucas experiences, since it's also combat related so they bodn over that. They also bond over being the oldest brother and having to take too much responsibility at a young age.

Hope this answers your question! I'm always ready to answer every question you guys might have!

[midknitefox]

fallout 4 positng again I'm borwd

I'm halfway through a thing of frosting don't. don't come at me bros.

HANCOCK APPRECIATION MOMENT. I have an obsession. stepped on a mine and he went "are you okay? see any more?"

my HEART.

who couldn't love this man your first interaction is him stabbing the fuck outta a guy who tried to scam you. it's beautiful, really. get yoself a man willing to stab someone for u when you haven't even met yet.

slash jay dont

don't stab people pls this is fiction

-----

I think nick is better in a fight. oh god

this guy has a mini gun NOPENOPENOPENOPEOPENOEPEMOPNO

-----

i died

-----

I killed someone and he said "you handled yourself pretty well, sister"

explodes

HANCOCK STOP NOOOO

HE'S RUNNING INTO THE ROOM WITH THE MINIGUN GUY

-----

He fucking stabbed her to death what the actual fuck how did he not die (legendary gunner???? wtf????)

-----

I stole the minigun

perfect for me (Hancock keeps giving me drugs, and he likes when I get hooked on em. I refuse to buy more drugs so until he gives me more drugs I have no drugs. sorry it's not my fault jet is so useful </3)

Hancock I'm glad you're proud of yourself for getting me addicted to everything under the fucking sun. ily <3

oh I'm overweight now. minigun too heavy </3

throws it at Hancock

-----

does fallout 4 do the same thing as skyrim where if your companions inventory is full you can make them pick stuff up and it'll still work

I dont actually know

Hancock though is now carrying two miniguns (Ashmaker and Junkie's) and a fat man. and I think he has 2 rocket launchers for some reason? not sure.

-----

I'm so glad I have NO AMMO.

I'm out of 10mm, .44, and the only weapon I can use rn is basically my deathclaw hand

which isn't bad but it's up close and personal . in a gun fight.

I have a shit ton of .38 and .45 (755 and 489 respectively) but no guns for those :/

and now that I think about it I'm out of ammo for both my flamer and cryo thing so idk why I'm carrying them wtf

-----

maybe I'm overweight from the

yknow

50 fucking mirelurk eggs

why

-----

unrelated but I watched the show the other day. so good.

genuinely it felt more like the game than anything else I've watched

like . tlou was good. but it didn't feel like the game. fo felt like the game. there were moments that were just. perfect.

random radaways around, the time slowing down slightly in battle feeling like vats, so good

ok rant over (I would love to rant about it more if anyone wants to chat I'm lacking people to talk about it with other than my mother and that's kinda sad)

-----

I had to step back from a fight due to low hp and Hancock walked up next to me and destroyed them with the minigun I gave him

so real ❤️

-----

AH GRENADE

I sploded. rip

-----

STUCK ON DEBRIS 💔💔 WORST DAY EVER

-----

I picked up a coffee cup and got too much weight

no I refuse to drop the deathclaw hands and hide I lug around

I feel like this is fo4's version of the dragon scales and bones from skyrim </3

..maybe a little lot less heavy . but come on where else do I put em

-----

AYO HANCOCK

"I didn't say we were finished" in the middle of battle

mMMMmmMMM?????????

I'm so gay

-----

advanced lock vs a skyrim veteran with 90+ lockpicks, who will win

-----

yum

-----

FUCK YOU TOO

sobs violently

I can't believe I'm being forced to drop junk on the ground I'm so sad

-----

ok but

why

-----

I have so much jet...... Hancock I love you

-----

consequences of my actions (i had to drop more junk)

....... I blame the castle.

-----

HOLY SHIT I JUST GOT DRUGGED WATER

FUCK YEAH

-----

God I can't handle the dlcs being glitched.

PURPLE GUY!?!??!!?

sobbing. fr

-----

I'm about 2/3 of the way through this frosting send help

I need to put it away

-----

I was fixing my blanket and I didn't pause the game but hancock started doing knife tricks

im.

losing it.

-----

IM SORRY?

i

hate this dlc (not really)

-----

fuck mirelurks

I have mirelurk trauma (the castle quest)

-----

dies

-----

"not a lot of folks would travel with a ghoul, not even one with my charisma" i would any day yes pls ily

"just say the word if you wanna take a little Chem break" I WOULD LOVE TO.

I went to talk to him and i hit "talk" and he went "for you, any time" or something and I'm losing my shit

"seems to me like you're my kinda trouble" when I hit relationship 🥰

random but I love his voice it's just

idk something about it is really nice to me even though it falls into the category of voice types that I usually don't really like

-----

this has become me obsessing over Hancock holy fuck

-----

you've gotta be fucking kidding me

SHE CANT FIT AJAHWISHSH

halfway through her hp bar took about 200 bullets

ALL I GOTTA WORRY ABOUT IS THE LITTLE BABIES SHE SHITS OUT AHAHAHA

-----

........I don't have enough ammo for this like genuinely

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

This is gonna be a kinda long post cuz I was looking through the pictures I took with my first digital camera and feeling nostalgic

Most of them are just pictures of layla and mercedes but theres a few of me

This was my friends bunny Radar

The year i got this camera was the year with the most snow ive ever seen. Think we had maybe 2 feet in one night?

One of my few blanket forts. I wouldve liked to make more but I always ended up getting frustrated when I couldn't find things to weigh down the edges of the sheets and they kept falling down. Honestly kinda surprised I managed it with the satin ones here cuz theyre extra slippery (I stopped using them on my bed cuz they slid off too easily and I got annoyed with constantly having to readjust them)

This dude freaked out all the kids in the neighborhood lol. We were convinced he was haunted cuz he would move around sometimes. I dont think he's been over there for several years so im guessing whoever owned him moved.

My friend Jared took this picture of me before English class one day. I wore that jacket a lot. I eventually had to get rid of it cuz I let layla tug on the sleeves when we rough housed and they were getting pretty shredded at the ends

I think this was also the first year I did an Easter egg hunt for layla

And the last time I went to silver dollar city. I'm not sure what I was looking at in that first picture. Not the camera, clearly. That was. Not a trip I enjoyed all that much. I mean it was fun but going on trip was always stressful for me and it was always worse when my dads parents were there cuz despite raising 2 autistic kids they did NOT know how to handle an autistic kid. My parents being with us on this trip made it a little better cuz my mom would set boundaries for me and told them to give me space after a meltdown.

But the small amounts of gender dysphoria I've experienced were a lot worse back then but I didnt know what it was so I also couldn't articulate why them buying me a dress absolutely did NOT cheer me up.

That second picture was the gemstone panning thing that silver dollar city had which is where I got a bunch of my smaller rocks. Mostly sodalite and calcite. Some garnet and different types of quartz. Also had some pyrite which I had in a small jar on a necklace but I have no idea what happened to it. Also not sure what happened to that hat from the last picture. I got it from a souvenir shop in downtown Branson. I still wish id gotten the blue one instead of the pink one.

Mercedes judging my messy ass room. Behind her you can see a bag i made entirely out of magazine clippings

Ok ok so this picture is actually half the reason I decided to look through the pictures from this camera. This was how I liked to decorate my room for Christmas in middle school. I also had 2 mini Christmas trees set up on my night stand. It had 2 levels to it (picture a step) so I had one on each level.

Also in my window sill is the aquarium part of the "self sustaining" aquarium/terrarium we made in 6th grade science out of old coke bottles. I kept that thing for like 2 years. The fish died pretty early on. Got eaten by the snail. Which somehow made MORE snails (I do not know how snail reproduction works) and I ended up with like 30 snails in that bottle. Eventually all the water evaporated out and my mom convinced me to throw the bottle away

THIS is the other picture I was looking for. Layla had a lot of Christmas sweaters cuz she got cold easily. The santa suit was also laylas but I would put it on mercedes sometimes. This is one of the few pictures I have of them dressed up together. I didnt put clothes on mercedes too often cuz she hated it lol

There was a less blurry picture right before this one but mercedes looks mad in this one and I felt it encapsulated her personality better. Also. Man almost forgot about that rocking chair. It was at my grammys for the longest time and then we took it at some point. It was ugly as hell but it was like a giant stim toy for me. Both for rocking but also I liked the rounded parts on the arm rests cuz I could rub my fingers in the divots between them. Mercedes was not happy when we got rid of that chair.

This was about as close as they ever got to cuddling. Mercedes was never a cuddly cat. She tolerated harley cuddling up to her when she was a kitten but I think thats just cuz she was old. She probably wouldn't have tolerated it at all when she was younger.

Is it weird that I can tell I was watching ncis when I took this just by that part of the screen. This was also when my recliner still reclined lol. The handle you had to pull to bring up the foot rest was a plastic thing on the end of a wire and the wire snapped....I think the first day after my sophomore year of highschool?

Aaand heres where I finally figured out I could turn off the flash on my camera in highschool lol

Mercedes after a haircut (while I was cleaning my room)

She looks so soft here 🥺 i miss her

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

If we're talking about venting, ngl I'm kinda surprised you haven't been all on about the side stories/ whatever they use instead of social links in P3R looking to be prime flanderization territory given Atlus's track record and that P3R is being made without the original team

Oh I'm bracing myself for it fo' sho', but..... TT0TT I can't really rant about something I haven't experienced yet. But I just know they'll flanderize it orz It's my monkey paw curling, they knew I wanted something like this and they're about to make it in a way I don't like it kldsajflksjla;f

Now I thought the episodes were in addition to the SLs........them outright replacing....oh dear. TT0TT Judging from the screenshots I've seen, it feels like it's just in addition to (since I've seen some scenes form SLs). (tbf I've been only looking at trailers and some other stuff in passing....P3R has just been disappointing each time I look at it that I'm having about as minimal contact at the advertising as Refan...

The diff between Refan and this is, I don't really know the lore of Refan so I'm just gonna go into it blind rather than theorizing like I did with P5 (and earlier P5 era spinoffs). P3R is....well......what can I theorize? "Oh FeMC is gonna be in it as a new SL trust me guys"? TT0TT Like it's P3. We know P3. We aren't given too much new info about them, esp Strega related ones (are we getting a new Strega ending Altus????? Oh god please that'd be fun)

I can't really theorize the dungeon, it's fucking Tartarus. Like am I getting Vision Quest or not? That's all I want to know and can care about (cause you removed so many other elements >_>). Like, as much as I like going through Tar as a gameplay loop, and how much I HATE Palaces/Jail both how they are handled in story and going through it on a gameplay loop..... Palaces/Jail have A LOT more I can work with to analyze (even if it's just a rant). I can really only analyze Tar on the basis of irl mythos, which is fun but ends at some point. P4/5 related dungeons have a lot more as it's a means to dive into a char's psyche. (hell, I bet Abyss of Time has more depth than Tar TT0TT I can at least analyze parts of it with certain corresponding chars).

But trust me, I'm already preparing for it when it drops.

The thing I'm gunning for the throat tho is if/how the SLs change. I just want a friend option Altus c'mon orz

[abcdosaka]

other stuff

i bought britney's memoir day 1 and read it in two days. obviously. really really good i'm so glad i got it bc her voice is captured very clearly but also its written in a captivating way that really sparks my interest like i didn't wanna put it down. it was a better reading experience than i'm glad my mom died, like that book was great and it made me cry too but something about the way all the chapters were separated made it annoying to read sometimes.

the only reason i didn't read it all at once is bc i had to sleep and i was getting into the start of the conservatorship which was really hard to read. a lot of it is actually hard to read, esp the divorce and her being institutionalized, i think bc i'm kind of a stan so reading her personal feelings on everything was really tough. but anyway i cried twice

idk people were complaining like "we already knew all this tho" but you never heard it directly from britney?? like why are you complaining? didn't you wanna know britney's perspective on everything? how are you even a fan. i knew a lot of this stuff bc there have been deep dives on her and i've read them like a lot of her early life and the stuff abt her family history have been documented and aren't really a surprise to me but i always took them w several grains of salt bc you could never confirm this stuff unless she personally confirmed it, which in this case she did.

i even saw people saying they wanted her to talk about the original doll and her music like what? i don't think this was ever a memoir that was meant to be about her music i mean this is for her for express herself in her own words for once. well she did say that part 2 is coming next year so maybe she'll cover it there.

genuinely tho i can't understand wanting to lock people up like that its actually monstrous. and the only reason is bc they wanted to use her as a cash cow. and now everyone's like she keeps posting naked pics on ig :( was ending the conservatorship a mistake? like actually shut the fuck up. first of all, in general, infantilizing someone and making them helpless is not helping them develop any sense of independence in the first place. second of all, all she does is post naked pics and dancing vids with all the emojis like what is the problem!!!!! maybe its the cctv angle but she's like 40 please give her a break. maybe she's a little cringe WHO CARES shes literally just having fun and loving her body. she's literally not harming anyone. you think ppl should be institutionalized and 'handled' just for being a little weird?

anyway whatever i'm not engaging with the morons or conspiracy theorists anymore. people on the internet are so fucking dumb and lacking in any sense of understanding or empathy. the ppl that say she should be are always so judgemental and have horrible vibes and yet i'd still never say "we should put them in a conservatorship". like you go ahead and make your stupid decisions and say your shitty opinions on your own.

kinda on topic kinda off but when my parents get old enough that they can't function i really don't wanna put them in a home or anything even resembling a conservatorship type scenario. i'd hate to see them suffer or have no freedoms and elder abuse scares me icl. they're p dogshit at emotions and i don't particularly like to talk to them about serious shit and idk how i'll come out to them if ever but i do love them and i could never imagine that for them. and even just as a basic human right i want them to make their own decisions.

ugh i made this post so long too. but its been a while since i've been on my britney stan shit so its ok. ive been really into mamamoo again lately. another other ggs too. i really like le sserafim and g-idle. i used to kinda hate idle's music but i think its gotten a lot better lately bc queencard and nxde are soooo good. tomboy is good too but the lyrics are so strange that its distracting (like its okay in their other songs but in tomboy its just too much for me for some reason). le sserafim has really good title tracks and the rest of the album is like eh but epbw and antifragile are some of the best new music i've listened to, antifragile was so addicting.

also looking forward to: the red velvet album. red velvet either releases the greatest music ever or like the worst song i've ever heard in my life. there's more good than bad though so i'm excited. seulgi's solo album was soooo good i only just listened recently but its the groups best solo concept imo.

they're making a dungeon meshi anime and i'm actually excited!! my fav part of dungeon meshi was always the beginning and middle parts like the beginning is REALLY strong. there's also gonna be the love condition anime and that i'm a little less excited for bc that series is the opposite, it gets really good as the chapters go on but the beginning is like wow hananoi you really gotta chill and the anime will only adapt that initial portion :/ will still be watching tho

can't think of anything else but it was nice to write random shit after a while of not doing that. i feel good :)

[pagefontanillasy]

Chapter 7: Gracefully yours

The mission is all set, but it's too early to call it an operation. What DEA and ND is doing at the moment are standard procedures. They follow a tip, and act on it. Paige on the other hand has been successful making arrests that slows Zhang's business. Although the reality isnt successful as this would mean more violence in the streets. Not only that, but racism is starting to boil out. Chinese and Hong Kong community are affected, even those who are mixed within the pillars fo Filipino community. Against Americans too. They believe it's the Americans who brought the drug problem. The citizens has handled it in their own way.

Heath and Holbrook swings a visit at the precinct 07, as they grner on to seek more labs of Zhang and operation hubs. Across the board room, Ed can't take his eyes off but tries to concentrate on the meeting at hand. It has been a month since their arrangement has begun. Ed was with Paige last night. Keeping professional and keeping it in his pants are difficult indeed. But he tries at least.

Paige's turn to speak speaking to Trojes and when her mouth turned to the shape of O, he feels hard.

Her red stained lips clutches around the base of his dick, the softest part. Paige's sexy mouth sucks on him like a very submissive slut.

"Uhhhh! That's good~~" He praises her, while his two arms stretches out over the edge of the bed. Paige kneeling down between him, Paige's hands jerking off his hard shaft and the other cupping his balls. Paige's golden eyes staring at him.

She looks good in that way. Philippine National Police's most powerful woman sucking his cock--an American cock. American educated, American trained but hates Americans is being American fucked in the mouth. Paige pushes his dick down her throat repeatedly, choking on his kenght.

"If we push too hard, we will push him out of the country and back to the arms of China."

Paige says.

"What do we do with this now?" Holbrook asks.

Paige stares flatly at Ed. "What do we do, Special Agent Heath?"

They lock eyes for a second before Heath turns to his fellow American. "I will gear towards the Captain. Politically, diplomatically--this won't be good either. Besides, it's the hottest time of the year-- elections are coming up next year. There are still officials that are connect d with Zhang with his money-- he is this close to buying a president."

Holbrook and Trojes nod.

"So are you saying this is out of our hands?"

"For now," Ed and Paige says in unison. And is shocked. Javier side eyes his two bosses.

Back in their desks in the pantry Javier talks to Paige. "You're not very subtle, Cap."

"Shoot me, Peña."

"This thing going on between you and Ed, I'll have to warn you."

Paige leans on the counter. "Enlighten me, what is this thing going on between him and I? I don't follow."

Javier leans in, "Your affair."

Paige laughs but no humor. "Is your brain squashed with so much sex that it's all you think?"

Javier sqyints. "I know those looks."

"Follow me," Paige rolls.

Paige goes to her office now a a file room and retrieves a dossier and handed it to Javier.

"Close the door."

Javier did.

"A year ago I approached Heath in secret. Although we work together for the Operation, there was something I needed him for."

"So you gathered evidences to all the officials connected with Cho Ren Shi."

"Every man on his payroll. If I went official with this, they'll hammer us down. Doin another operation silently will do the trick."

"So you made me think you are both having an affair."

"It's much better."

"That sucks."

"Sucks for all of us."

"So are you still in secret partnership."

"No, just what you said, we are having an affair."

Javier raises his eyebriw.

"I'm a widow! And he is-- I don't know bored with his wife."

"Alright," Javier laughs.

"Thanks for the concern, but stay out of my personal life."

Another Friday arrives, and Ed comes out. He tells Tony to wait for three hours.

Tony knows that something is up with their boss but whatever he is doing in his private life is none of their business. Tony knows he's been hooking up with ND Captain every week in different days. Sometimes they change up. When the wife asks, Tony lies for him and Ed didn't need to tell him to. He is still a man after all. 26 years married and you will not want another pussy? He won't believe it. This is the only time of 12 years of service that he has ever cheated.

Upstairs, Paige and Ed has finished making love. The redness on her chest and Ed's love bites stung. Ed traces her skins lightly with his finger. They count each other's scars. Ed has one on his shoulder, a bullet struck. One of the many gun battles he has engaged into.

Ed spots another abover her breast. They were light but still noticeable but it didn't ruin the beauty.

"Whered you get this?"

Ed asks.

"In the South, 1979. The rebels captured me. Part of their torture."

Ed creases his head with worry. "Tortured? Jesus Christ, Paige. They didn't rape did you?"

Paige breathes. "They tried. They molested me but the way that they will rape is not because of lust or get pleasure, it's more on inflicting pain. Overpowering you. Humiliating you. Breaking you." She locks eyes with Ed whose eyes fully awake, shocked.

Paige laughed. "I don't want to tell you it's embarrassing. But I did what I had to do to survive. They lost interest in me and thought I'm broken anyway. If it's broken, why break it?"

This elicited a soft laughter from Ed. "Show me how, or it didn't happen."

"No way!"

"I want to know how."

"It's petrifying!"

"You haven't seen me petrified by worst things yet."

"I'm not going to start," Paige giggles and Ed climbs over her, weighing on his weight on her.

"What are you doing?" Paige continues to gigle as Ed pins her hands up.

"What did you say to them?"

"Fuck you," she says sensually reaching into his lips.

Ed bits in, kissing her soft lips with thender care sucking her lower lip. Their tongues come out and Paige's no match with his. His rough exterior against her sensuality. She hugs him, her fingers running up and down his back. Still feeling out another scar he had. Ed climbs down to take another plunge between her healthy breasts. His mouth sucked on her nipple like a baby while the other kneads.

"Ohhh~~" Paige neck arches. Ed goes down licking her navel then kissing the softest parts inside her thigh, near her crying pussy. Ed sees something--similar to his wife's. A cut along the groin. He's not so sure but it's when a woman gives birth normally. He threw it out of his mind. He continues to circulate his tongue around until it finds her folds. Paige using her finger separated the tip.

"Here," she says. Ed has complied licking her clitoris.

"Uhh~~" Paige flips her head can't get enough of his tongue.

Ed knew what she likes. The strokes that'll make her hum and cum.

"mmmmmhhmmm!"

Paige moans as she cums, squirting. "Oh shit ahhHhHH!"

Ed pulls him closer his arm extending to fondle her breast.

Paige cried in pleasure.

Ed lifts himself wile Paige recovers. But Paige is fast as she pushes him down, to suck his dick. Ed sees the crown of her ass, perfect heart shape. It lifts up as her mouth is busy brushing his dick in it.

He loves it. He is addicted to it. His wife can't believing only dirty women do those kind of things. Paige is cleanest woman he knows. Organized but dirty in bed.

"Ohhh~~ you're so good. Fuck!"

He loses breath. His head swings back against the board.

"That's enough, I'm going to cum."

Tonight is a bit special as they won't need a rubber. It's almost her red and so no sex for a while for one week. But he can enjoy unlimited pop.

Ed takes her face and Paige plays with his cum in his mouth. Now he knows why only dirty women sucks cocks. He won't kiss that mouth. Paige knew that as Ed is a tight ass. Ed hands her a bottle a water and Paige drowns in his eyes as she rinses her whole mouth.

She rides him and Ed sits back enjoying the show. They both came. But Ed has no time to cuddle as he has to go home. If he has a choice, he wouldnt leave her. He'll want to wake up with her by his side. Or watch her sleep, and hear her small snore.

"I want to stay longer."

Ed says catching his breath.

"You should go. Were not actually lovers. We are just fucking each other's brains out." Paige says sleepily.

"I want to fuck you longer."

"Go, Heath. I'll see you on Monday."

Ed leaves and gets home. He takes a shower there while the wife is sleeping. He checks on his children first, already big boys. He will take them golfing tomorrow at least to make it up for missed dinners.

Ed's wife, Sara, is thought to be really beautiful. A blonde, white woman whom he met in college. He was her first in everything. He has no interests with other women as he is too focused with his job. He is basically like the American way of study well work well and marry well. The company of prostitutes didn't much count. But Heath is a neat freak. Unlike Javier who is not very distinct.

He couldn't sleep and so he goes to his office taking Paige's dossier again. A mention of a husband but no name and no child. It didn't even mention that husband died already. He looks at the Black and white ID photo again. Innocent, pretty face.

He caresses it as if caressing her actual face.

"Ed?" Sara opens the door.

"Why are you awake?" He asks.

"Why are you not asleep yet?"

"Just-- nothing. Go back to bed, honey."

"Not without you."

Heath smiles and hides Fontanilla's dossier on the others. He makes a mental note to hide it well ro get rid of it before Sara suspects.

Sara and Ed talks about the past. About their youth. They laugh and later as they keep kissing. They both feel the urge to make love. Ed surprisingly is still vigorous after two rounds of sex with Paige. But it's different with Paige.

[guesswewillfindout]

So... I've taken a turn for the worse.

I've been trying to get my health under control all year because my inflammation markers are higher than they should be and I'm on a special diet and on medication. But I just keep getting worse. In late August, I got an MRI (MRIs really suck as an experience) and I got a lot worse. Like shooting nerve pain, burning nerve pain, dizziness, cannot drive, cannot lift things, can't sit or stand or walk for extended periods of time (60 minutes max), fatigue got worse, body aches got worse, couldn't sleep a lot due to pain, hard to focus on work, difficulty cooking and bathing and, in general, life.

I missed so many things. I had some fun things planned in September. I had to cancel all of them. I haven't been able to garden at all. I had to have my partner's sister and niece come over to clean the garage. I've gotten another MRI and been to a specialist and started a new medication and my rheumatologist is trying to convince insurance to let her increase my other medication.

Then, the tire on my car started getting low and I recognized a slow leak. We had to have the tire replaced. Then, a relay on the fridge went out and it was an entire drama because we couldn't figure out where the electrical burning smell was coming from at first. We finally figured it out through some deduction but the landlord couldn't get anyone to repair it quickly and we lost almost everything in the fridge and freezer. So money has been terrible.

I don't even want to get into all the family drama going on. I mostly go away and hide when anyone tries to bring me into it. I'm not getting into it. I can't right now and I don't think they'd be able to handle what I have to say if I did get into it.

Works not been fun. There's stuff going on there, too. And it's always nice when you feel terrible but are still working. And you have to be kind and respectful when more and more keeps getting piled on your plate and no one is listening to you.

Mostly, I just feel alone. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about what's going on. No one in my life gets this. I'm worried I won't get better. I'm doing all the right things: tests and medication and communication and physical therapy and talking to a counselor and trying to do self-care and eating healthy and not pushing too hard and keeping moving as much as I can. But I'm still worried. Because this is my life and my one body and my time. If there's anything I have a reasonable right to worry about, it's my health.

And I hate this. I hate being in my early 30s and not being able to spend time with people I care about or go kayaking or hike or get a dog or just pull weeds or scrub out the tub or carry laundry without feeling like I'm going to throw up and pass out. I hate that I've been missing out since my mid twenties. This isn't what I wanted or expected and "there's nothing for it". "It is what it is."

And I'm angry. I'm angry that a lot of other people don't have these problems. I have these problems. I don't want others to have them but I don't feel happy that I do have them. It doesn't feel balanced or fair. And I've been told my entire life that life is not fair. So don't bother reminding me. It feels like a punishment. But I didn't do anything to be punished. Or if I did...I apologize. I never meant whatever it was that got me here. I can do better. Just make it stop.

In the MRI today I was thinking about what I would give up to be healthy. What kind of magic deal with a sus character I'd make to not have these problems. I figured out there's a lot I'd give up. I wouldn't give up my cat or my partner. But I'd give up pretty much any food. I'd give up toes. Chop them off myself if that was part of the deal. I wouldn't hurt someone else because that's not right. It's not their fault and I wouldn't put it on anyone else. But I'd give up time. I'd give up years if only those years could be quality. And my partner hated hearing that because she wants me around for all the time she has. But that's how I feel. I get how people make those terrible, desperate deals in supernatural stories. Being chronically ill makes you feel desperate. Being in chronic pain makes you long for a time you can't even remember, a time without pain.