#i had to look and dig for this shit
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Pictured: Loop being extremely normal as they lay in their shallow (homemade) grave as they meditate on existence and also if they have annoyed the Researcher enough THIS time for her to murder them and bury them alive.
(Spoilers - they did not annoy her even CLOSE to that much.)
And there is the required reverse image of Odile arriving - she's had a LONG day (i.e. previous loop), and due to this it will take ten minutes before she even acknowledges the shallow grave Loop is laying in, as she was distracted complaining about what Siffrin just did to annoy her.
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I'd say there's context for all of that, because like...there IS context? Here's the link to the series of fics that HAS that context even! But also...even with context...can't say that it's going to make any of this less weird.
Mostly Odile is looping because due to Loop's wish the universe got rewritten to make Siffrin's repression and emotional issues (the ones bad enough to get him stuck in a time loop in the game) 'someone else's' problem...or at least that's Loop's best theory atm!
Regardless, context or not, I'm quite happy with how the pics came out, and figured I might as well post them here too.
#isat#isat loop#isat odile#in stars and time#like a wheel ever turning au#odile looping au#my art#This was vaguely gesturing at the 'Siffrin gets woken up by Mirabelle' at the start of the game#but like#RADICALLY recontextualized to be near unrecognizable#also vaguely gesturing at the 'hanged man' tarot card because Loop's too fabulous to not pose dramatically in the grave they dug themselves#just to make a point#a point which odile then processed to ignore#Gotta say from the point that i got the vision of loop digging their own grave#the chapter basicly wrote itself#i love how much black humour In Stars in Time fanfics can have without it killing the tone by making it humourless!#It IS possible to write idiots in time loops dying horribly and still have it be a black comedy in pokemon#but LORD that was so much harder to keep the tone balanced with#....look.#i KNOW i have a thing for time loops#i imprinted on Steins;Gate when it first came out and was never the same again#that anime has it's many issues but also it rewrote part of my brain#...also...verbal ticks.#still say 'dootdeedoo~!' unironically#to be fair! I also would say 'nya' as a verbal tick - had to ACTIVELY unlearn doing it even so i'd stop doing it at lecturers in uni#why yes! i was REALLY easy to mock as a teen lol#anyway these tags got off topic#let's wrap this shit up
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b4 death B) - angel w a little hat below cut <3
tried to stick to their death dates a bit but. idk i only googled for like 5 mins. also i wanted those old news print colours 😌
#alastor#niffty#angel dust#hazbin hotel#fanart#i wanted to like. idk not necessarily match their designs but what i think they'd have looked like when alive#a lot of people give angel heterochromia which i dig but i like the idea he's got the same thing as david bowie - 2 different sized pupils#i wanted 2 make niffty deranged but also sweet bc i love her dearly but i do think she killed people#alastor i tried to like give him a cab calloway vibe like charming but then also his scary little smile#Had to give Al the little glasses chain for extra cuntitude#angel i think was strange to make bc. he's the least human out of these 3 to me. so he could've looked like anything.#you can pry him being a bleach blonde out of my cold dead hands tho this man has dark hair naturally#needed him to look Fruity. but only a little. the amount of times i'd give him makeup then had to force myself to remove it#i love talking abt visual headcanons im so shit at writing to so you'll have to put up w drawings just so i can ramble abt them in the note#human niffty#human alastor#human angel dust#.ctf
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yeah make the disabled girl do unpaid manual labour for you outside in the cold when shes been awake for 20 hours whats the worst that could happen haha
#i dont talk about my living situation much because why would i#but out of guilt for existing in a place without paying money im forced to accept whatever is asked of me#for someone whos supposed to love me unconditionally that fucker sure does force me to act against my best interests#just at a fucking whim because “the garden doesnt look nice like this”#bitch knows i had to quit my job due to physical burnout and the fact that i havent recovered in the last 8 months is very concerning#AND YET that doesnt stop anything. im still assumed to be physically capable of fucking digging dirt to fill a hole#at ten in the fucking morning#3 degrees (about 38 fahrenheit) outside the ground was fkn solid#like i bought a fucking cane because i struggle with mobility#and you already know ive probably done myself in pretty bad because i feel too fucking guilty living here 'without paying rent'#i cover my own food bills and always end up giving money im trying to save because bills need paying#my self worth is through the fucking floor as it is#im just so so scared of being a burden to those around me that i actively harm myself bending over backwards for people who wont love me#god some of you followed me for my hornyposting im so sorry u have to read this shit#for those of u that care about me im literally crying rn even just thinking abt the knowledge that there r people out there who care#especially yall who care enough to support me#i promise your money isnt being handed out needlessly to my pseudo-abusive parent. i am trying my best to save the money im given#at least that which isnt spent on feeding myself#thank you all for supporting me#and sorry for being such a fucking trainwreck im just so overwhelmed and hurting and ugh#:(
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wait im rewatching saw 2004 and as a germaphobe one of the cruelest things i had to watch adam endure was dig around in that toilet ("find anything?" "no solids!" 🤢) anyway so he had just taken out the play me tape out of a ziploc bag and that stuck with me because I was like okay that's something he could use idk for what but for something, and so then that toilet scene happens and im like yelling at my screen adam!!! no!!!!!!!!! use the ziploc bag as a glove ahhhhhhh !! but he just went right in there with only one small moment of hesitation
#adam faulkner stanheight#saw 2004#sawposting#lawrence gordon#no bro if lawrence had told me to do that shit id be like fuck you . doctor. all the way in the other side of the room#i dont care . you find a way to this side and dig around in there#mine#but also im very grateful that he got to dip his hands in clean water when he opened the tank and searched in there#wait . no i just rewound and he didnt even use his dirty hand so it will remain dirty i guess#saw#but the whole bathroom is dirty and theyre just sitting in it and rolling around on the floor and standing barefoot so#it just really does not matter lmao#also i dont mean to sound like you have to be a germaphobe to find that scene nasty lol#but im unfortunately actually working through some obsessive handwashing that i had to go to the doctor for and he just gave me a whole#speech about how germs arent /that/ bad and i looked at him like no dont do this to me not you . like betrayal in my eyes because a doctor#was telling me hand washing is not necessary all the time! and i know what he meant but still anyway lmao thats what i mean when i refer to#myself as a germaphobe . so when a character gets their hands dirty it's something i focus on too much#because of my own personal experience with that sort of thing
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that post reminded me all over again how annoyed i get with people who don't take hiking seriously when they do it
like wearing shitty shoes or not carrying enough water or thinking that their phone is a good enough emergency flashlight/radio or that they don't need to keep a basic first-aid kit on hand like people. PEOPLE.
i mean, sure, if you're doing a 0.5 mile guided hike on a well-maintained and -traveled trail then you're not likely to need safety gear but if you're going anywhere alone* then you need to be prepared for things to go sideways
*by which i mean "you as a couple/group are alone because hiking solo is extremely and should only be attempted by highly-experienced hikers who don't need to be told to be safe"
like, no, you don't need to prepare for the zombie apocalypse, but you do need to be prepared for someone to slip and sprain their ankle in an area with zero cell service. because that's hardly an outside possibility! a lot of these places have minimal cell service and when you're walking on uneven terrain, slipping and spraining your ankle is a very real threat! and something that can be very dangerous, depending on where you are! and "i slipped and sprained my ankle and now i'm trying to crawl to the nearest pocket of cell service i can find before my phone dies and the sun is setting and i'm now slowly succumbing to hypothermia and/or bears" is a really stupid way to die! when all you needed was a first-aid kit and an emergency radio! and to not be alone, that's another big one
like, there's this sense in a lot of people that we are lords and masters of nature and it can't harm us but that is ridiculously, gaspingly untrue! if you go up against mother nature in a fight, you will lose - or if you win, it will not be un-altered. human arrogance in the face of nature gets hundreds if not thousands of people killed every year, don't be another one of them
this has been an angry psa from your local nature lover
#hiking#nature#look i was taught that 1. invest in good shoes and a good backpack for your health and for safety - you're less likely to damage your feet#or ankles if you're wearing good-quality shoes or boots and you need the comfort and durability of both shoes and pack#2. this is not a safe hobby. better to have and not need than need and not have. you need at least three liters of water per day (more in#hot climates)‚ a sharp knife‚ a first aid kit with bandages‚ benadryl‚ and an emergency blanket‚ an emergency radio with batteries or crank‚#a battery-powered flashlight with fresh batteries‚ food that has carbs and protein‚ and a whistle#3. leave nothing behind. take all trash with you. dig six inches deep to defecate and cover it back over.#(4. never eat in the tent. holy shit the stories of people getting attacked by bears in the night because they had food in the tent.)#this hobby is wonderful and rewarding but you have to have proper respect for nature#or it can and will kill you. people absolutely die in national parks and forests when they don't respect that they can.
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Simon's joke of "soup of theseus" is so damn good & way more layered than most people think.
Okay so first- what is the ship of Theseus?
So amongst his many misadventures and legends the ship of theseus was a ship the Athenians believed connected them to the divine living person that was Theseus. The thing is, he was maybe Poseidon's adopted kid/the King if Athen's son and probably not real (or at least if he did his misadventures were super exaggerated as royals = divity stories are) but the fate the Athenians had for him & Apollo (the 6 labors is a fun legend that explains their connection and what the original ship may have been) was so intense, they would constantly give maintence as a form of religious worship to said ship on the island of Delos (where Apollo's most sacred sancutary is) every year it would dock to pay respects.
Btw we don't need to know the specifics of Theseus but he did infamously slay a minotar and Finn did have a good exchange with the Mannish Man to get the enchiridion aka the book that sets Betty & Simon on the paths they are on now so that's neat af
So if you've ever heard about the ship of Theseus being paradox- it comes from the critique that's always existed about that ship's maintenance & religious practices tldr if you are constantly replacing each rotted and borken part of a ship, is it still the same ship?
The soup is a paradox like the ship
That paradox exists in many many scifi and adventure stories like the Nier series & Ghost in the Shell but in this instance we got to first look at the joke literally. Farm world's Finn's wife's soup is the same as the ship. The original soup farm world HW made no longer exists on a technicality, but the way Finn and his kids continue to add on and consume the soup is exactly like the Athenians. It's about the intent of carrying on the memory and keeping the soup around to honor the dead rather than the soup's original recipe {which also is incredibly sad & imples that farmworld Finn is both coping and never learned the original soup recipe}. It's a beautiful way to honor their dead mom/wife and it makes you wonder if that Finn did die if his kids will continue the practice.
But the paradox goes beyond the soup & into our reality
A lot of people have noticed that Fionna's last name is Campbell and Campbells is a real soup brand that would've been around before the great mushroom war. When Marceline gets sick as a kid, Simon goes great lenghts to get her chicken soup- that only worked out because the primordial version of the Mother Gum assisting {which is extreme Bubbeline foreshadowing}. And in that scene the can low key is a campbell design. But what if I told you there's more?
In Cheers, the tv show Simon is seen constantly watching and referencing throughout the original run of Adventure Time & in the recent Fionna and Cake had Carla Tortelli work at a Canpbell's Factory.
Neat references aside the soup ends the moment the main trio hit the remote button and I have a BA in psychology & interest in childrens media and entertainment that I want to milk for once. Metaphorical intention is beyond relevant episode specifics but actually the foundation of Fionna and Cake when it comes to the paradox.
Simon making the soup of Theseus joke is the main problem Fionna and Cake has to address
If Simon can summon his & Prismo's au from his head without proper MMS (Magic, Madness, and Sadness) where does Simon the human start and Ice King end?
As viewers who grew up alongside the series, the majority of 25+ watchers are finding Simon, older Finn, and Fionna painfully relatable because good fucking god we are all traumatized because of the ongoing pandemic.
If you want to focus on the main topic you can skip this part. But if you want to get very serious for a minute, please stay. The majority of people wont to accept what I just said about the pandemic being ongoing because global governments pretending the pandemic is over, the rise of depression and escapism in real time at a social level at a global level but especially in the US where the series is being made, and the daily interactions we have with most people refusing to mask up {with a violent reaction} when there still isn't a cure for COVID has created the perfect enviroment for most people to not accept change or crave extreme change. Fionna and Cake tackles these 2 very common forms of how depression tends to manifest when it's not fully manic to be displayed through Simon (self isolation from poor coping due to loss, detachment from society, dwelling on the past to the point it effects social interactions, extreme forms of religious practice, etc.) and Fionna/Finn (pretending everything is fine, avoidance, going through the bare minimum motions to survive, escapsim and dream of grandure, not caring about sel preservation, no/lack of self control with sweets/coffee, etc.). And I've noted there's a subset of AT viewers who don't relate or find the depections too real to the point they're upset the show's tone isn't as light hearted as AT. The thing is when a global disabling event happens, unless you were under 10 when it happened and even then it's a 50/50 because you probably did lose or know somebody who did die these last several years, you will have some kind of trauma response to it whether you like it or not. Hell, some of you unknowlingly have a gap in your memory about 2020 specifically due to inconsistent sleep schedules that have nothing to do with the shrinking of the brain mass COVID causes that we all call "brain fog" and now that I pointed it out you're probably going to go stare at a wall for 5 mins {sorry btw, doubly if you have long COVID and this is how you found out what brain fog partially is}. As someone who's been dealing with depression since I was a child, it's okay to be not okay given the last several years and doubly if you've been conscious long enough to see the US freefall into fascism too {which I hope encourages those who weren't aware that's been happening to go look into that because we can't get into it right now}. Because I unfortunately know what manic depression can look like - if you find yourself relating to Simon a little too much during ep 3, please talk to somebody who is licensed and trained to do so {not me, I haven't done suicide prevention work since 2017 and am not licensed- I genuienly won't be enough of a resource} okay? Don't throw away yourself nor change yourself for others only. You need to work to accept the past, move on to live in the present, and change yourself for yourself. It won't be easy and resources are out there to not do it alone, alright?
Becuase of how paradoxial and fluid mental health (espeically undiagnosed depression) can be and how AT has it's own version with MMS, could Simon have unconscious MMS still because of Betty's with without a battery but can't tap into it because of his mental state? And could Ice King as we once knew him even be considered a proper person Simon could return too?
The original wish of why Ice King's appearance & abilities is the way it is IS because of Evergreen's impression on Gunter {Evergreen was one of the ice elementals of the past btw- go watch the original Adventure Time for that context}. So Ice King isn't even an original character, just the crown building off the wishes and manifestations of each bearer by emulating a warped version of Evergreen. And that's the main reason why I speculate Ice Thing aka Gunter the Penguin is chill af to the point he got married and can exist with less gems. His wish didn't build off of power to protect Marceline (Simon) nor the power to copy Evergreen (Original Gunter).
As the main trio jump from connected universe to connected universe, more Simons and crowns will appear that are even more removed from our Ooo's crown and it's version of Ice King or Ice Prince or Winter King will only manifest because of the prior and current wishes made. So if Simon does get a crown that isn't the Ooo crown, will the Ice King that once existed even be THE Ice King he wants to be? And will Simon want to be Ice King or an Ice King when the trio do return to his Ooo?
The crown and it's many versions is a paradox that can only be resolved if Simon and Fionna can work together but also set aside their depression to address what they both really want and what that wish's intention will do to themselves and those around them. In short, shit's deep
I applaud the team for Fionna and Cake for tackling such a layered problem and I'm excited to see how Simon's soup of emotions, Fionna's growth, & magic crown of Theseus is addressed.
#mun post#i probably over analyzed but also didn't do enough to dig deeper#so hopefully if you've seen AT you can fill in the gaps#but also walk away with interesting knowledge and#a weird look into my noggin#and yes im layman terming so much because if we get into specifics ima bore the shit out of y'all#also i hc fionna/finn has adhd & simon is somewhere on the austim spectrum because of how they display their depression - there's overlap#adventure time fionna and cake#spoilers#fionna and cake spoilers#campbells soup#was also a suprise- i knew cheers had a ton of product placement but a whole factory job is such a random reference#adventure time spoilers#simon petrikov#brain rot is getting too real#i wanted to make a tiktok or youtube about this but fandom on there doesn't allow for discourse and yt at fandom prefers facts and lore ove#deep interpretation and speculation- doubly from someone who is also a sorta girl failure with a degree like simon#sorry if there's spelling errors- i prefer mobile tbg#also im not a historian- if I got theseus's lore wrong just know im blaming the victorian historians and google#i prefer reading medical biology sociology and psychology peer reviewed studies over history studies because those obsessed greek and roman#scholarly bitches are actually super annoying to talk to- every discussion literally ends up back to the greco-roman empire and I'm good#i prefer the now and the future than the past because i've learned enough to know how to spot history repeating itself & wanting to address#it while we can and/or while folks still have funding to do so vs the past is full of bs {mostly christian and victorian 'historians'} ya#gotta dig through to get to a semblance that can be adapted to the present- i respect the hussle but I have a limited access of resources t#deep dive theseus and explain him so sorry if you wanted more - like go ask a BS or higher in greek mythology research instead#oh btw for those curious i got a ba in psychology but my interest was pediatrics lgbtq+ and entertainment for those under 18 so y e s I have#too many thoughts about this show and many others but the ongoing worker's strikes are why im not making content#doubly if tiktok does start paying me *is filing to get an income* but y e a h bitch i could keep going if i had more than 30min to recall#all the information i do remember outside of the theseus specifics- i had to pull out my irl dictionary for that because it's been a while
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doodle i made earlier (or not i made like 3 days ago before posting this)
#what are they talking abt...#technically marat is short but let's just pretend that he's standing on a stool lmao-#ik the artstyle is probably like from the last sj doot i made but i kinda dig these eyes for this artstyle so#yeah#might use this artstyle for like a few more tiiiiimes!#i drew marat from memory... sorry if it looks... kinda off or shit 😭 i did this w/o references#jean paul marat#louis antoine saint just#saint just#frev shitposting#frev#antoine with a triple e's art or sumn#had this on my drafts for like 3 days i just had to post it now lol#french revolution
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Okay this is the *actual* last comment, for real, but I just found out Spider is now smearing me as a convert and accusing me of being involved with drama I was not involved with because he mistakenly attributed my apologies for his public temper tantrum as being about something unrelated.
THIS IS A FALSE ACCUSATION and I do not appreciate having yet another bit of fake malicious intent falsely ascribed to my actions and* attributing a completely unrelated attack to me.
Also, it's very sad and disappointing whenever a Jew gets mad at a convert because something else is going on in the Jew's life and the convert happens to be in the splash zone and the Jew falls over backwards to smear the convert and invalidate her faith.
Just....the childish aggression is making me so, so sad and disappointed, from someone I used to think very highly of, who is now lying about me and publicly smearing me with false accusations based on a conflict he started because he misinterpreted something I said and I went out of my way to give him the benefit of the doubt when trying to clear up the mistake HE MADE that led him to decide bullying and attacking me for three fucking days was appropriate and okay and that I'm the bad guy for saying it's wildly unprofessional to behave like this in public to a former customer face.
Sorry, but facts, reality, linear time and the truth of what I actually said and did are on my side here, and I will not stand for being smeared and attacked and shat all over because I had the gall to try to kindly resolve his uncalled for, unjustified temper tantrum.
I am also not sorry that I left a side note in the tags that it was also unacceptable for HIM to drag his daughter into a stupid internet slapfight based on his own reading comprehension failure. Because it was and is unacceptable, and she needs to hear that message from someone.
End of story. Keep digging that hole as long as you like, Spider. It's not helping your case and is continuing to make you look progressively worse and more unreasonable, and the only person you have to blame is yourself.
youtube
*revised for clarity
#don't buy from nerdykeppie#all receipts are under this tag#if you're so offended because my reporting on the things you say and do makes you look bad maybe the problem is you#this whole thing was completely needless#and yet he is continuing to DARVO me because he's pissed that his usual method of smugly lashing out at people over their poor reading#comprehension doesn't work when it's him who failed to comprehend what I wrote in the first place#also REAL FUCKING INCHRESTING that he's lying about me being involved in the jewvestigation of him so he responds by......jewvestigating me#lol#lashon hara. maybe he should study it sometime.#and maybe he'll learn warning others about poor behavior from a business so they don't waste their money there is not lashon hara#but honestly I doubt it because he's never going to let go of his desperate complex about always being the smartest raddest dude in the roo#it looks pathetic and I think he realizes that or he wouldn't have had such a dramatic extended meltdown over the things *he* said to *me*#I also still find it funny that he has conveniently forgotten to address the whole “hey bud your timeline doesn't add up” part#and I think that's because he knows if he were to address the proof that he didn't remember it correctly he would be forced to admit that h#threw a massive shitfit at someone for no reason because his memory got mixed up#so so funny that he can't come up with an answer for that#almost like! he knows he fucked up bigtime and is scrambling to make himself the victim!#also funny that “worrying about someone who was dragged into a fight by a bully” got twisted into sneakily scheming to turn her against him#I'm not a scheming plotter I'm worried because the behavior you showed your child in public was wildly inappropriate TO HER.#it's sad! It's fucking sad and embarrassing and hypocritical and immature and SAD!#but the pretend me other people are attacking because they made shit up is none of my business#if he wants to keep writing fanfic about me he can go right ahead#because again#the more he talks the worse he looks#the more he digs this hole the deeper he gets mired in his own muck#and it's not my job to bend over backwards to keep him from experiencing the natural consequences of his actions.#I really should learn the lesson that people who are snide assholes in one situation are usually snide assholes across the board#really the worst part is knowing I defended him when he threw tantrums like this before#that's what I regret and feel guilty about: that I backed up his shitty behavior and gave it legitimacuy#that was wrong of me and I'm sorry for every time I jumped in as one of his flying monkeys
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shoutout to you all for never sending me weird anons when i post about antipsychiatry
#i follow soooo many people who get like 'oh youre against all psych meds? you think that every single instance of mental suffering is caused#by capitalism???' like be serious#glad i have not had to deal with that shit#txt#(this is not a dig at anyone with genuine questions looking to learn. i just wish people would stop interpreting this stuff in bad faith.#especially as it's primarily coming from survivors of psychiatric abuse.)
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red flag: someone says that copper in minecraft is useless
#mc#my post#minecraft... the building game.... having materials primarily used for... building.... unheard of#they probably think banners are useless too. and end rods and purpur and#decoration IS A USE. its a building game. not everything needs to only be used for tools or combat or redstone whatever#im mostly heated about this because i knew someone who was obsessed with old and very much utilitarian ugly ass tech#and they would DIE on the hill that copper is completely useless#YES they were the type to just dig a whole in a hill and that was their base. no fancy spot or pretty walls#literally just a dirt hole in the first place they decided to stop for the night#and the only reason it would become more than a sad bedroom was for whatever tech mod stuff theyd mess with#and yes the tech mod stuff wasnt build satisfyingly either#this was a mf who couldnt appreciate art even if they were looking at the most beautiful piece in the world i swear#at a meetup with them and some other friends. the mall we went to had a store that was entirely the type of tech this person loved#and let me tell you my brain was rotting from the boxy blacks and greys of it all. not a single thing in that store to stimulate my brain#but they were running around like a child in a candy shop#no hate to literally anyone else who likes that stuff. but this particular person sucked just in general. so i like shit talking them#i got very off track#i should make a meme wait#minecraft
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kai ninjago very politely sits on the couch armrest beside me
#irl legoposting#he just looks so silly#no idea why i’m a posting machine rn i’m just letting it run its course#brand new minifig i found at a comic shop for 5 dollar! i had to drag myself away from digging infinitely for fear of my wallet#actually he was 6 dolar. shit
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so i didn't finish the paper on time but on the plus side i Almost know how to play mahjong now
#im like 8 volumes into kaiji pt 3#which is 50 chapters deeper than i was the day before#anyway it's good but im definitely going to it as part of a sluggish avert mine eyes type dopamine struggle#i also havent slept well in a few days and ive become a total baby when it comes to that like i Cant function right anymore#when im a certain amount of tired#the like 12 hours in the car this weekend didn't help with the good restful sleep thing#i fought and fought and fought myself and in the end it's just gonna be a day late. mot that it had to be but it will be#and although i can't see the prof's late work policy i think that's gonna be okay. hopefully#but ughhtjhfhhghjghj im so tired still. ive been sleeping in like 20 min fragments trying to get this done#just woke up from a cool three hours and im (believe it or not) still tired#i havent done the 40 pg reading and i am NOT bullshitting my way through that class i am going. to bed#i know i shouldnt but i cant care rn i'll drag myself to japn and do late work all afternoon but i gotta sleep between those#anyway fukum.oto has a special way of making kaiji cringe that makes me extra fond#like watching kaiji scramble around on the floor trying to find his tiles absolutely freaking out and everyone laughing at him#was so good. he was being too confident this arc he needed to be reduced to smth horribly pitiful that he has to drag himself back together#from y'know? thats part of the fun#ANYWAY i couldn't do that shit kaiji and miyoshi are doing for many reasons but the attention span sure is one#also idk if it's the translation or what but the r slur keeps jumpscaring me in ways that are funny to me for the absurdity#thats a chapter title??? that Doesn't Belong in the chapter title??????!!! anyway#yk when you're so surprised and put off by smth you just. cackle about it? like laughing at a funeral or whatever#it's like that#buh. anyway god im so tired#ive been doing so well this semester but it looks like it's starting. the snowballing.#well hopefully i can dig myself out today after a 14 hr nap. get all that late work And my readings done yk#(<- pipe dream alert pipe dream alert)
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Sometimes you'll be flashed with memories of cringe shit you did as a young teen. Sometimes you'll be flashed with memories of objectively cool shit you did as a young teen like coordinating yourself and other 10 kids to eradicate a dead tree for wood
#it was also objectively dumb because that shit was huge and if it fell the wrong way we could have gotten injured seriously#but it is also funny to think about. we had put ropes around it to pull it off in a cockscrew action#when we got tired we took a break and a kid would get on another's shoulders with an hatchet to cut the branches#so that it would weight less and we'd have firewood sooner while the others would dig around to set the roots free#it took us like... 2 hours to pull it off? and then we dragged the thing back to the bonfire#when i tell you the scout leader was furious once she understood what the fuck were we doing LMAO#the trunk was also too thick to cut and use anyways#one of my fondest memories now that i look back at it lmao#by lord was i stupid back then
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I will not start a project with denim when I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not start a project with denim with I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not start a project with denim when I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not-
#repetitive text;#manic posting;#i remembered in hs when i'd spend my manic nights writing somg lyrics in sharpie on my arms and legs and jeans#and then had the idea to stitch/embroider lyrics into said jeans bc i was PRETTY sure i still had them bc they were ny favorite and#idr them wearing out. but APPARENTLY not. i looked everywhere short of digging out the closet i've wanted to for a month#but that's got years worth of chewy boxes broken down amd stacked in front of it bc i am a disaster#(i mean to recycle them. that never happened. at this point i'll just put them in thw dumpster. when i get around to getting them out of#the corner and down the stairs#i took my meds at least (not the tegretol. i don't want to intentionally kill my first proper manic episode in /so/ long)#BUT i was then thinking about canabilizing old jeans to create the cut i loved about the old ones (but half what i loved was texture)#and then embroidering that#but my last manic project with denim left my fingers so fuckin bloody#bc manic me can and will not use a sewing machine and thimbles get in my way#and that was. back in 2013-2015. wish i still had that. never wore it bc course not.#i also don't have the manic project of the L (death note) inspired Lolita skirt#think theu both stayed in NC#man i left all the good shit in NC#but yeah like. to say nothing of the fact that ostensibly the roommate will be home and wanting to sleep at some point#and manic me and headphones are fucking rivals#manic me has a lot of beefs#it's almost like (and this might shock you) i'm manic!#(i promise i'm trying to go to bed at this point)#(it's bed or cleaning my room or denim project and i would like SOME sleep if i'm gonna do either)#(to say nothing of i need to do 3 expert roulettes in XIV and can you imagine that shit after literally not sleep?)#(mania will NOT save my ass from micronapping)#personal;#i'm so sorry for anyone actually reading all these posts and tags#but! if you are! welcome to my oversharing corner <3#also i am still planning on helping a friend clean and assmeble a chair tomorrow#which! mania is good for! i can clean! i love cleaning when manic! (my OCD ramps up when manic)
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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
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I’m gonna challenge my subconscious to a fist fight and I’m gonna lose
#i had a dream that mabel kept coming back to life just to sniff stuff or investigate food that she liked#she was still dead but i’d buried her instead of cremating her and for whatever reason i was either digging her up#or she was digging herself up and sniffing and eating stuff#and i was like ‘she’s CLEARLY still alive if she can do this’ and everyone was like ‘no she’s dead you have to bury her again’#whenever she fell asleep she would be dead again. like she’d stop breathing and her heart would stop#i don’t know if she was like. a vampire dog? but it was so upsetting to dream#this is the second sad dream i’ve had about mabel in the course of like 3 days.. no less because the last one made me wake up in tears#on friday morning. and like it’s brought me to my knees honestly. i can’t DO this#also in my dream i went to a careers advisor or life coach or something and they were really mean to me lol#and my family made me go with them to visit some people i didn’t know who insisted on serving us cups of tea#it was really strong hot tea and i don’t really drink tea like that#and my grandma’s friend who was the loveliest woman and died a few years ago was there#and she was just absolutely pouring milk in her tea even though it was overflowing and going everywhere#and mabel was there accosting their terriers even though she was supposed to be dead. it was too much#in another part of the dream my old roommafe (who i really didn’t like) was pressuring me to go drinking with her even though mabel had just#(dubiously) died. and i was like ‘you do realise i’m going to get absolutely paralytic and scream and cry about my dog the whole time’#there was also this subplot where like everyone i knew but me had been in a play and the stage makeup had been made from ‘magic beans’#that stained everyone blue. so everyone i met had randomly blue eyebrows and stuff#there was one man who was just fully blue#also i was supposed to be in the world championships for a game that was like tetris but more esoteric but the servers broke down#or something like that. i think that’s everything#i’m just like.. why make me bawl at 6:30 on a sunday morning. what’s the advantage of that#i’m supposed to be taking care of benji and he’s looking at me like ‘god this woman is a basket case’#his owner has colitis and chronic fatigue and she has her shit more together than me#personal
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