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betslangland · 6 years ago

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Don’t Downgrade Depression

~The Long(ish) inside scoop on how someone with a rad life struggled with depression~

What depression is not

1. Sadness because of a situation…

-There’s a difference in ‘feeling’ depressed and ‘being’ depressed

2. Pin Pointed ‘feelings’ that explain your depression…

-Those with depression can’t necessarily tell you how they’re feeling, they’re just lacking…

3. A lack of happiness in ones life or being a victim to life…

-A ‘lack of happiness may. In turn feeling sorry for yourself because of your ‘social status’.

What depression is…

1. Feelings of shame and insignificance…

-Shame, when you fail or mess up.

2. A lack of knowing…

-You may know something is wrong but you can’t seem to put a finger on it because everything around you seems to be fine, so you’ve convinced yourself that you’re fine too though you’re miserable.

3.Loneliness even though you may have the greatest support system and you may have several people around you…

-You can have the most followers on all the social medias, the best of friends and an amazing family, but that doesn’t change the state of your lonely mind.

4. Brokenness/Failure

-You’re always finding fault with yourself because you could’ve done something better. Depression isn’t something that should be downgraded. I used to be so flippant judging others when they’d say they were depressed when they had a happy life. (i.e. they had a lot of friends, they were close to their family, they had a great job etc.) I would talk so poorly about these ‘depressed people’ because they had it made. I’d judge them and say they shouldn’t feel that way because everyday is a blessing, they should be so grateful, they shouldn’t take advantage of this one life blah blah blah…..all the ‘feel good’ mantras. Though those mantras are accurate I was losing the whole picture.

I soon learned how miserable depression could be and how life draining it could make you so I no longer spoke poorly about those people.

Like I stated above, there are times when people claim depression but are just having a bad day, they broke up with their lover, their dog died, etc. I’m not downgrading those events, but that’s not what I’m talking about here and that’s not depression.

There’s a difference in feeling depressed and being in a depressive state of mind. Feeling depression is something everyone goes through in life. It’s inevitable, because life sucks sometimes, but being depressed, sitting in it and living that life is another story. I was depressed and didn’t even realize it. The things I had been facing, the lies I had been telling myself and the illusion of my life I had been lying to others about for years, I had convinced myself was the norm. I thought I could lie to myself and to my friends and family about how I was feeling to play off that I was always happy, because you’re never supposed to have a bad day, right?...Wrong!

Events in my life started to not line up with me anymore and I was so exhausted of being this person who wasn’t me just to please everyone else. When I reevaluated my life I realized I was more miserable in the time being than genuinely happy, and this was a problem.

I let my depressive state of mind become my idol since I was focusing more on the depression and the negative nature rather healing and on positive things. Like mentioned above I couldn’t pin point a significant ‘feeling’ of depression. Yes, I had many feelings during this time, but not one that led me to believe that I was ‘depressed’. It was more of me trying to be a hard ass and shake off all the feelings and be tough. I learned first hand that if you don’t take a moment to feel those feelings and deal with them they will come to bite you in the ass later and be ten times worse.

You don’t have to have a rough upbringing to be in a depressive mindset. (Please read that again!!!)

I was raised in a great Christian family with more love around me than anyone could imagine. I was athletic and I was a musician so I was very busy, but somehow through all of the chaos of high school I formed bad mind habits of not feeling good enough. I didn’t feel good enough for my parents because I would end up getting B’s instead of A’s and I would hear, “Well, why aren’t you getting A’s?”, which I interpreted that as, “Why aren’t you working hard enough. Your hard work is not noticed. You aren’t significant because you got a B.”

Crazy I know, but that’s where my mind went.

My mother never ever said those things, but that’s how my brain interpreted them. Everything came back down to not working hard enough. I never felt good enough being raised in a Christian environment. In my household there was no cursing, no bad language, and no negative comments, but I’ll be completely honest with you in saying that cursing, bad language and negativity come pretty naturally to me, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me internally since I didn’t have a ‘heavenly mindset’ all the time.

The thoughts I’d have would’ve been condemned and judged if they were ever uttered out of my mouth. I would slip up occasionally and say a curse word soon being accused of always saying them around my peers (which I didn’t) and not having my heart in the right place with God (which it was).

So from there I felt a sense of brokenness, confusion and not being good enough because I couldn’t express myself in the way that came naturally. I couldn’t because ‘God wouldn’t approve’ and ‘Christian’s just didn’t speak that way’. My mother made it very clear that I had other believers and non believers looking to me to be an example, so every move I made was judged and Lord forgive me if I did something and it wasn’t under the approval of another believer and was labeled as ‘ungodly’.

But what if something ‘bad’ did utter from my mouth? My mom would assume my heart wasn’t right with the Lord and I’d be sent to my room to read my Bible. Sounds like a legit punishment to me that solved the ‘issue’.

^insert biggest eye roll (sorry Ma)

~Let me pause here for a second to clarify something. I love the Lord and I would NOT be here writing this without him. In saying that I am NOT disrespecting nor am I disregarding a relationship with God. I am wholeheartedly taking you through a snip-it of my childhood and how I was raised to explain to you how I developed my, “I don’t feel good enough” mindset and attitude. I needed to clarify because 90% of what I had explained to you was negative, but without that negativity I wouldn’t be able to write this for you today. Also, the reason why my mother raised me the way she did (right or wrong) was because she held me at a higher standard than anyone else in this whole world. She expected nothing but the best from me. Carrying on!~

Body dysmorphia, negative body image, self-esteem issues and insecurities started in just the fourth grade. I can remember it like it was yesterday. While sitting next to a girl in Mrs. Edwards’ class, comparison stole my confidence, which would haunt me for years. This girl, Emily and I were sitting next to each other in class while we were doing a fun activity. You know how your legs turn into the size of Russia when you sit down? Well I noticed that for the first time. But when I noticed my legs I also noticed Emily’s legs…but hers were smaller.

Hmmm, weird. We’re practically the same stature so why are her legs smaller than mine?

Oh…is this what fat means?

Oh how I wish I could shake that 4th grade Bethany!

Fast forward to 5th grade…middle school, when you could sill have a bunch of guy friends without people freaking out about it.

(^insert another eye roll)

In fifth grade I sat with a group of guys at lunch everyday and one in particular noticed how I hadn’t been eating the food on my tray so he asked me about it, “Bethany! Are you not hungry?? Why aren’t you eating your food?”

I state very snooty like, “It’s very unhealthy food and I don’t want to get fat!”

As adult as a 5th grader could be he rebuttals, “What?? Bethany, you’re in 5th grade. Why are you worried about getting fat right now??”

The only response to this question was trying to explain that I was planning ahead and how proud of myself I was for not eating all my food, because I remained, “self-controlled”, and “self-disciplined”.

But there was a HUGE issue.

I was SO HUNGRY!!

At this time my older sister was I high school and she was a 3 season athlete so she was always active. We had the same body structure but she was more fit than me because obvi, she was more active. My little baby brain couldn’t figure out why she was more fit than I was and why she could eat a candy bar and not feel shitty or not gain weight, but when I’d eat a candy bar I would belittle myself and tell myself over and over that I wasn’t good enough AND I felt like a cow. I remember asking my mom one day why she could eat whatever she wanted and my mom replied that she worked out all the time so she could eat those desserts and it wouldn’t affect her. I took this straight to heart and all I heard was, “She works out all the time, which means she can reward herself with food…”

Now I’m in high school and still (I was always the ‘big friend’ in elementary and middle school) labeled as the ‘big tomboyish’ friend. I thought I had kicked this title, but I was wrong. Being an athlete and being on the drumline didn’t help any…I hated the title. To me women were supposed to be very feminine, small boned, small breasted (which makes zero sense), short, quiet…cute little tiny tiny things and I was well aware I was none of those things. I was built durable (fancy terminology for “big framed”), I definitely did not have small breasts, I wasn’t feminine, I sure as hell wasn’t quiet, and I wasn’t a tiny tiny human. Men looked through me, usually to my other friends, and I associated not receiving attention due to my body structure.

I watched my food intake more so than most high schoolers. I exercised way more than what was needed, and I would assume never to shop for clothes because I would end up shopping in the men’s department because the shirts were naturally baggy. I remember having a boyfriend at the time and for years he had thought I was a very confident outgoing woman until he went swim suit shopping with me.

I was very hesitant about it because I wanted to remain that strong woman to him since he had no idea how insecure I really had been for years.

That was the first and last time he ever went shopping with me. I swore to myself he’d never go again because I was so extremely embarrassed with myself.

I cried.

A lot.

I just sobbed and sobbed in the dressing room looking at myself in the mirror wondering how I had let myself get ‘this far’. He kept knocking on the door to see if I was okay but I never let him in because I was so ashamed of how I looked. I would stare in the mirror and grab my belly and get SO angry that it was there! I would look at myself completely naked and ashamed and say to myself over and over and over, “You’re so fat!!! This is disgusting!” I would imagine if I could just take scissors and cut all the fat off. Then that would be okay! I just wanted to sit down without having to adjust my pants to cover up my belly!! I was so disgusted with myself.

But those feelings were normal, because every girl cries in the dressing room and thinks about taking scissors to their belly, right…?

I justified to myself that this was just a part of being a woman I had to get over and live with.

Now I’m in college.

Oh, college!

The 6 years I spent in college (YES, 6! I changed my major, okay!!) were the most trying, taxing, exhausting, fun, and difficult learning experiences of my life.

Now I'm in college and the uncontrollable stress of every day life and school was so great and so overwhelming. I'm a very type A personality, meaning if I don't have control over situations or I don't have any say over situations I tend to get anxiety and start feeling very vulnerable towards whatever scenario I was in at the moment. While I was in school I studied music education for four years until I switched to health promotion and business, which became my degree.

During my sophomore year in college my mother passed away from cancer. This undoubtedly rocked my world. What could I have control over anymore?

Now, for a type A personality having control is a HUGE characteristic, like I mentioned above. Since I wasn't able to control the environment around me the only thing I could 100% control was my body. This is when the disordered eating habits started to manifest and take control.

Before more explanation lets define these disorders.

Orthorexia Nervosa: "a medical condition in which the sufferer systematically avoids specific foods in the belief that they are harmful; an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy."

Bulimia Nervosa:"eating disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting designed to undo or compensate for the effects of binge eating."

Anorexia Nervosa:“There are two main types of anorexia. Both types are characterized by irrational fear of weight gain and abnormal eating patterns. The restrictive type is what most people associate with this mental illness: The individual rigorously limits food intake, effectively starving the body of the nutrition and calories it needs.However, there is also a type of anorexia known as binge/purge anorexia, in which an individual purges after eating. Thus, this type of anorexia results in additional health problems, which are also caused by bulimia and binge-eating disorder.Another category of anorexia is known as atypical anorexia. In these cases, the individual meets some but not all of the criteria for anorexia. For example, they might restrict their food intake but not be underweight.”

I mentioned that I was essentially a control freak, but I didn't know that then. I can label these disordered eating habits as a control mechanism now but when I was in the midst of that way of life it seemed normal and imperative for me, like I was filling a void of vulnerability I didn't want to succumb to out of fear. This was a fear of being wrong, judged and rejected. I was fearful of judgment because I was the, "face of health" and the one who lived the "fit and healthy" lifestyle people would come to for inspiration and questions. So how crazy would it have been if I came out and confessed to how unhappy I was with my life and how I wanted nothing more than to eat normally and not exercise like a crazy person all the damn time.

This wasn't an option though. People looked up to me and I couldn't be ‘normal’ like everyone else.

Though the 'healthy' lifestyle I was living was out of fear, it also came out of a place of shame and guilt.

I'd feel disgusted with myself, utterly shameful, ugly, unworthy, and the biggest disappointment when I'd eat out of my 'macro or meal plan'. When I say I was strict with my food....I mean I was STRICT with my food!! Every single morsel of food I'd consume would be weighed and counted, to the last gram. If I had accidentally counted incorrectly or had forgotten to track a certain food my mind would be consumed with this failure and I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I’d end up doing extra cardio to ‘burn off the excess calories’.

(sounds crazy just typing it!)

I would eat 100% clean, with no cheating until I had planned a binge eating, "cheat day" or I was tired of eating chicken and broccoli and wanted something different because I could feel my sanity slipping because of the restrictions.

These days I'd usually consume copious amounts of food to turn around and feel the shame and guilt of "cheating" on my diet and "cheating" on everyone who looked at me as a health and fitness figure.

So I'd take ‘control over the situation’ and make myself throw up. I'd justify sticking my finger down my throat by lying to myself and convincing myself that I was sick and nauseas and needed to throw up because the food had ‘upset my stomach’.

I was lying. I didn't feel sick, I felt guilty, shameful and like a disappointment for not eating correctly...for 'falling off the wagon'.

What's messed up is that I felt bad for the foods I had eaten and not making myself throw up because I thought I was solving a problem. Twisted, huh?...

I tried to act normal. I tried to be normal and eat out with friends and family. I tried to live out the 'balance' portion of health and fitness so people couldn't argue with me saying I was crazy or normal, but once I'd try I would always end up in the bathroom flushing guilt, shame and regret down the toilet.

Problem solved.

I remember a specific time I was having dessert with a friend at a restaurant and at this time I was in the midst of early recovery and I was tired of telling people no to going out all the time so I made myself go and ‘be normal’. The thing was I was trying SO hard to be normal it started becoming a chore and weird trying to be normal….(overthinking much??) Anyway, we went out and I ordered the smallest and the ‘better for you’ option. I finished all of it and thought, “Okay, I got this!”. Nope I didn’t. I went to the bathroom (I actually had to go) and it felt like a drug…

A good analogy would be putting a recovering pill popper in a room full of hydrocodone…

It just doesn’t work.

Sooner than later I found myself over the toilet.

I walked back over to my friend red faced, watery eyes, chattering teeth, a broken heart and disappointment and she had no idea.

Through this time I had zero confidence.

Zero confidence in my intelligence, my body, my mind, my music and my relationships. Just like any other insecure college woman I'd look for confidence through comments from men and that only led me down a road of seeking validation from other people and accepting sexual comments because I wanted to feel sexy and beautiful.

During these phases of dieting I decided to do a bodybuilding show.

To give you a little insight on my training I was consuming 800 calories a day, 1,000 calories on 'high carb days', while doing an hour on the stair master in morning and training in the evening after school. To put 1000 calories into perspective, that would be equivalent to one crispy chicken sandwich with a medium fry from McDonalds. After a few months of this style of training I had lost a significant amount of weight....

Goals, right?!!

Wrong.

I had no boobs, no ass, my upper body was bony, I hadn't had a period in a year (which was caused by disordered eating), I would go weeks without having a bowel movement, and the only thing I could do recreationally was sleep because I was extremely miserable, exhausted and fatigued. I couldn’t form a complete sentence without concentrating because of the lack of nutrition going to my brain.

Kind of scary.

Though I wanted so desperately to eat what my friends were eating, I had an unusual sense of pride that I had to bring my own meals into restaurants or simply not eat and celebrate with my friends and family. Kind of like, "I'm better than you because I have better self-control...".

Awful, I know!!

But the health and fitness industry is glorified for self-discipline and I was bound and determined to be the best and when I want to be the best nothing can stop me.

While training for the competition I would workout with my trainer and she would weight me about once a week. There were times when my goal would be to lose 4lbs in one week.

Do you understand how crazy that is??

Anyway, I’d come back the following week doing exactly what she wanted me to do and I’d step on the scale and sometimes I wouldn’t have dropped any weight or I would have dropped two pounds, which was completely unacceptable.

She’d stare at the number, shake her head and say, “You’re doing something wrong. You’re too big. You’re not losing enough weight.”

Can you imagine someone saying that to you??

She would accuse me of cheating on the diet, which as much as I hated that 8x11 eating disorder, I never once cheated on that god awful diet. She wouldn’t believe me because I wasn’t losing 4 pounds a week.

Those comments and the unbelief in me weighed heavy on my heart because I gave 100% during my prep! I hated every second of it but I was committed so I couldn’t quit!

It’s competition day. Oh boy.

I knew I wasn’t going to place because the girls were much much smaller than me and you could tell this hadn’t been their first show.

I walked backstage to setup my little secluded corner, because I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted a weeks worth of sleep and food. Lots and lots of food.

I finally setup my corner and I was looking at the rest of the girls get ready and I had something come over me…

“These girls look like the pictures I had on my wall when I was in high school….the fitness models I wanted to look like…” because ‘hard-work’ and ‘dedication’ would get you a 6 pack.

All that these girls could talk about was their hunger, tilapia, how much water they had to cut, how many diuretics they had to take and what they were going to eat after the show.

My mind started piecing things together while I was backstage. “These girls aren’t healthy…..they’re just shredded hungry girls.”

Right then and there my mind changed forever! I was angry and relieved all at the same time. I was angry because I felt like I had been lied to for years through magazines and the internet when women were being portrayed as ‘fit’. I was relieved because IT WASN’T REAL!!!! I didn’t feel like I had to be some skinny bitch that only ate spinach, tilapia, chicken and rice forever because nobody actually liked it and no one WANTED to do it!!

If these girls didn’t WANT to do it and it didn’t make them happy then why in the hell were they doing it?? Were there aesthetics more important and more valued than their time with family celebrating a birthday party, or a boyfriends birthday dinner?

I can recall this mental breakthrough like it was yesterday.

This is when my mindset started to become unveiled and all the lies from the health and fitness industry were becoming revealed and I was disgusted and I wanted to make a change right then!

I went into this body building competition with a very negative mindset because I hated everything about me. See, my goal throughout my fitness journey was the same as numerous other women…lose the belly and get skinny. To my surprise even after all the dieting and weight loss I still had a little bit of a belly. I was so confused!

After dieting for so long I was now lethargic, anemic, insecure though I had lost so much weight and I had the title of a ‘body builder’, hungry, exhausted, always sick, and even more miserable mentally than when I began this journey.

I thought, So after ALL that I sill don’t have what I worked my ass off for AND I’m even worse off?.....What was I missing?

And then I heard something so profound to me that put my mind into another dimension of thinking… Life should NOT be about weight loss, food, counting calories or your physique. Life has so much more to offer and you as a person have so much to offer other than how you look….Oh wow!!!

This mindset changed my life forever.

I thought I could deal with myself emotionally after my body building show so I decided to hire an online powerlifting coach who agreed that the way I dieted was destructive. We talked over the phone and she set me up with a training schedule and macros to start with after my show.

I was ecstatic to be lifting heavy again and to be eating yummy foods!

I thought I had a grip on the disordered eating habits because I was on the track to counting macros again! Yay!

A few months into powerlifting I was regaining strength back and gaining my weight back, which I was mentally ready for because my stage weight was unrealistic and I was okay with it because I needed the extra weight to lift heavy.

I had to check-in with my powerlifting coach each week with my macros for the day, my lifts and my weight for every day. I would reluctantly get on that scale but I did it because I had to. She started cutting my macros down bit by bit each week and I could feel myself start to panic. I would anxiously open my email to see if she had given me permission to eat more that week or I still had to cut down. I began hating check-ins. I was spending 1.5-2 hours in the gym every single day and I was exhausted.

Because of my body building experience I had downloaded helpful podcasts hosted by women who’ve been in the same place mentally as I had been in, but little did I know that I was still in the negative mental mindset when it came to my eating habits.

I was on my way to see my boyfriend at the time and I was headed to the gym but I was going to see him first. I was dreading going, but I couldn’t have any days off and I had to go so I didn’t have a choice.

I was listening to one particular podcast about the hosts’ experience with eating disorders and the breakdown and breakthrough she had gone through. She discussed the prep she went through and how awful it was (same), how she didn’t have a period (same), how she gave up time with her friends and family (same), how she gloated in the fact of having more ‘self-discipline’ when it came to not eating ‘bad’ foods (same), how she was still insecure with herself after the body building show even though she lost a lot of weight (same), how she didn’t have boobs and it made her insecure about her femininity (same), how she felt deprived of every food even healthy foods because she wasn’t ‘allowed’ to eat those things (same), how she was lethargic all the time (same), how she had 0 sex drive (same), how all she could do was sleep because she was so exhausted (same)………..the list goes on and on!

She stated in her podcast that once she realized there was an issue she told her mother in hopes for accountability and help towards her recovery,

“Once I told my mother about my disordered eating she knew something was going wrong and she told me that food had became my idol which means food was more important than anything else, including God.”

When I heard these words coming out of my radio and after all the mental connections I had made with this girl via podcast, I broke down. Every vulnerability I had at the moment was broken down by those words. My walls had been completely torn down. All I could do was cry.

How could I have let myself get to this point?

How could I have I let myself get so unhealthy?

How could I have lied to so many people?

How could I have lied to myself for so many years?

My world changed dramatically! I didn’t go to the gym that day because I talked to my boyfriend about my struggles. He knew I had been struggling all along so he wasn’t surprised when I came out and explained how miserable I actually had been.

-Side note: I am a problem solver. Once I have found a problem, I will fix it. I won’t spend time relishing over the problem, I will go above and beyond to fix whatever the issue might be.

I talked to my former boyfriend about the steps I should take and if I should email my coach and explain to her that I couldn’t continue training with her and how I needed time to heal and recover from this disordered mindset. This was by far one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I’ve ALWAYS had a training schedule! Not once have I gone into the gym and didn’t know exactly what I was going to do for that workout session. I was organized, I planned everything and I was prepared.

Now…I felt vulnerable, unorganized and I had a lack of preparation because someone wasn’t planning my workouts. I was confused.

I decided to shoot my coach a long and detailed email explaining why I couldn’t continue working with her. I was so nervous that once I received an email back I never opened it. I still haven’t.

After sending an email to my coach I knew I had to tell my family….

I sat down and wrote 5 pages worth of struggles, events and fear that was driven by the eating disorder. I copied 3; two for my sisters and 1 for my dad. God, this was so hard. They were so supportive and loved on me unconditionally.

I couldn’t have asked for a better support system.

I struggled to change. It was so hard. I knew I had an issue that needed to be dealt with and fixed so I became obsessed with change. I started listening to podcasts that dealt with struggling with eating disorders and the first thing they would suggest for recovery is telling your closest friends and family.

Oh, Lord.

I read numerous self-help books, specifically for eating disorders. I cleaned out my FB feed and IG feed of anything and everything that made me have comparison (i.e. bodybuilding account, IG stars who were fit, macro and ‘clean eating’ accounts) because I now knew this wasn’t reality, I journaled every single day about my thoughts towards recovery. I had no idea what hunger was. I couldn’t pin point when I was hungry, what I wanted to eat or when I should eat. I had been under macro counting and eating under an eating plan for so long I hadn’t ever had to think for myself when it came to food.

I was lost.

My dad would get so frustrated with me because I couldn’t tell him when I was hungry. I couldn’t be mad at him because he had zero comprehension of my struggles or my mindset with food. His thoughts, just like any normal person, would be, my stomach is growling…I must be hungry…I’m going to eat now. Instead of mine, which was, My stomach is growling…does that mean I should eat or I should drink more water?....What should I eat if I did end up eating?...I didn’t work out so I probably shouldn’t eat a lot…Maybe I should just eat some vegetables or protein…But that doesn’t sound good…What sounds good?....Pancakes…That sounds good, but there’s no nutritional value in pancakes, there’s too much sugar, there’s no protein and all I’d want to do is slather it in peanut butter, and peanut butter has way too much fat…I also don’t have any sugar free syrup, which sugar free isn’t even good for you so I probably shouldn’t eat that anyway….I don’t even have the protein pancakes brand mix so it would just be the regular pancake mix and I can’t have that because it has too many carbs…….I can go on and on.

It was exhausting.

Eating should be simple, but it definitely wasn’t.

This was the longest progression of recovery. After telling my family I started documenting everything on Twitter, Tumblr, my business FB page and IG. I knew that if I had been dealing with these issues I knew that someone else had been dealing with them as well. I wanted to be that person who brought freedom and a great message to someone who needed it. I wanted to be able to tell these women that they are worth it and they make a difference despite the lies they’ve been telling themselves.

I worked so hard on my recovery!

Coupled with journaling and posting on social media I practiced words of affirmation. And when I say I practiced words of affirmation, I mean I spent hours writing phrases of ‘who I was’ and words proclaiming victory all over my mirror in my bathroom. I took white copy paper and on each piece of paper I wrote something different, something uplifting and motivating. I covered half of my mirror in my bathroom so I could see them and say them to myself everyday.

I had a ritual. Every morning I’d stand in front of my mirror (not looking at myself) and would say each phrase on those pieces of paper.

Did I believe the words coming out of my mouth at the time?

HELL NO…

But did I do it anyway, because faith comes by believing and believing comes by hearing?....

HELL YES…

Do I believe those things now because I made it a habit to say them every day?...

HELL YES…

On my body length mirror I wrote ALL over it in marker claiming more words of affirmation and positivity.

I also had strict rules so I wouldn’t be tempted to think negatively towards myself, such as not looking at myself in the mirror naked or when I was getting ready for school. Some of you might think, “But aren’t you supposed to look at yourself and think positively about the way you looked right then? Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do all along?”

Yes, you’re right, but I’ll be honest with you at that moment in my recovery I wanted to feel like a straight beautiful badass without looking in the mirror, because if I had already felt like a beautiful badass and something in the mirror distracted me from feeling that positivity towards myself I would’ve backtracked and started relapsing on the negative thoughts. I was trying to stay clear of all ‘triggers’ (I hate that word) for myself personally and looking at myself naked was one of them.

I read numerous self-help, motivational and recovery from disordered eating books. I was a professional at reading by this point.

I read one book in particular that encouraged doing yoga and meditation when you could feel your mind and thoughts shifting to distractions or negativity.

You know what?......it actually helped! I can’t remember anything else in that book (it was too ‘yogi woo-woo’ for me) other than one simple yoga/meditation practice that would center my mind back on the ‘here and now’ instead of on the food, exercise, clean eating or macros. I still use these practices today!

Hold please….you’re thinking today? I thought this whole thing was about recovering from depression and eating disorders!

Well princess, you’re not wrong; however, once you’ve been addicted to something you’re going to have those addictions come back to haunt you occasionally.

Let me explain further.

I’ve spent years conquering disordered eating habits. Is there still a portion of me that struggles occasionally with thoughts of comparison? Sure, BUT because I had my rituals and proclaimed those words of affirmation, I truly believe them now and I say those phrases and who I believe I AM to myself every single day.

You see, recovery and victory is a process. A very long, long, long process. It’s hard. It’s mentally exhausting. It’s taxing. Sometimes you’d rather just throw in the towel and jump back on that addictive train because it’s comfortable. But you also know that past the blood, sweat and tears is peace of mind, love and contentment.

I’ll be vulnerable and honest with you.

Have I binged and purge all while stating and hash tagging about eating disorder recovery? Yes.

Have I felt guilt and shame if I ate a yummy meal for a holiday? Yes.

Have I felt disappointment if I went over my calories and/or macros for the day? Yes. What’s the difference now?.........

Now, I don’t dwell on those things.

Now, I notice the feeling. I notice where the feeling is coming from and why I’m feeling that way and take a moment and let myself feel that way. Then I either meditate on the good, I speak affirmations, I proceed to tell myself that life is NOT about those worries and I list things I’m specifically grateful for to put my mind back on track. I’ve been doing this for so long that this process happens in just a few seconds then I’m back in the right mindset and back to conquering the eating disorder that once controlled every aspect of my life.

Do these struggles happen every day like they used to when I first started the recovery process? No.

I’ve trained my mind to prioritize things in life. Now the numbers on a scale and the ‘feelings’ towards food is not a priority in my life.

I’ve learned that losing weight, hours spent in the gym, cardio, the foods I eat and sacrificing time with friends and family is NOT what life is about. I would lay awake at night planning my meals out on the app MyFitnessPal, which calculates macros and calories and I would calculate to the very last gram what I was going to eat the next day. So number one, I could hit my designated macros for the day and so I could save time and stress throughout the next day planning food. This was such an unhealthy mindset and approach towards meal prepping and planning meals in general. I’ve spent so much time practicing healthy habits that I can meal prep without the mental struggle of calculating every morsel of food.

How did I approach recovery?

I approached recovery very quickly because I knew I had an issue and I wanted it resolved as soon as possible. I HATED knowing that there was an issue with my mental status! I thought I had been ‘doing everything right’ until now…

I filled my mind with nothing but uplifting, positive reminders that ‘gym life’, counting macros and my weight weren’t on my ‘priorities list’. I was reading a book on recovery and the author asked the readers to journal 5 things that we loved doing that wasn’t based around food or exercise.

Do you know how many I listed?

One.

I literally couldn’t think of anything except for writing. I was dumbfounded and embarrassed. It was coming to focus that I had been a slave to the fitness lifestyle and hadn’t let anything else enter my life……no new forms of movement, no new experiences, no new relationships, no new adventures…..nothing.

Though I had listed one thing I loved doing besides exercise, I started doing that one thing more and more and more.

Lets review how recovery was approached throughout this time. Some of these steps have already been discussed so bare with me.

-Reading/Meditation/Yoga

-Podcasts

-Cleaning social media

-Words of affirmation

-Eating without distractions

Podcast listening was vital to my recovery. I listened to the Mind Body Musings Podcast hosted by Maddy Moon, and she gave numerous tips on how to recover and the steps she took for her recovery. One in particular was to clean out all social media accounts of people you were following that would make you question your own body or life AND REPLACE it with something NOT fitness related; such as, beaches or puppies. Girl, do you know how many beach and dog accounts I follow on IG?! Too many at this point! She made it clear that if you take something out it NEEDED to be replaced with something uplifting and beneficial. This fills your mind with positivity instead of a deprivation. So one afternoon I sat down and scrolled through the accounts I had been following and if their account was no longer beneficial to me I deleted that account and added an uplifting account that made me smile, dream or yearn for self-growth.

Words of affirmation.

I won’t go too much into detail about this because I’ve already covered this topic extensively above. I just want to drive home how incredibly IMPORTANT talking over YOURSELF can be. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it at the moment because if you’re consistent and you keep proclaiming those words over you your brain starts to believe it. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, ‘fake it till you make it’? This is a perfect example!

Eating Without Distractions

This was an odd one for me to practice, but it was very effective. Nine times out of ten we’re busy while we’re eating; talking to someone, on the computer or playing with your cell phone. There was a challenge on a podcast that had you eat with no distractions. Eat while doing nothing else besides eating. Kinda weird, but this gave you a chance to appreciate food for what it is……food.

Without any distractions you’re able to appreciate every bite, the different tastes and smells and the texture to be grateful for being able to eat. If we’re distracted we’re usually finished with our meal before we actually realize what the food had tasted like because our attention isn’t at the task at hand. Ultimately this procedure formed gratitude and thankfulness for the food you were consuming. Just getting into the mindset of thankfulness is one of the most effective tools for recovery.

In Conclusion…I write this just so I can get the most important aspect across…struggles with depression are different. Not one is the same and not one situation that causes depression is the same.

Depression should not be downgraded.

I explained how I was raised in a wonderful Christian home with amazing parents, and guess what? I was depressed, I had substance abuse issues and I was addicted to food, or a lack there of.

LISTEN!

Now, it doesn’t matter what type of addiction, issue or struggle you have YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!! You are worth MORE than the sleepless nights due to anxiety, you are worth MORE than the cuts on your arm, you are MORE than skipping meals, you are MORE than making yourself throw up, you are MORE than using alcohol to cope, you are MORE than pills, you are MORE than feeling like sex is the ONLY way you feel worthy, you are MORE than what other people say or do to you, YOU ARE MORE!!

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, who did what to you or what you’ve been through….those scenarios do NOT have to define you! There might be someone in your life telling you that you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not fast enough, you’re not talented enough….BUT their words do NOT have to define who you are as a person! Those words don’t have to mold your future or your potential!

You were designed and you are destined for GREATNESS!!!

Here’s the kicker though, are you ready?I watched a motivational speech by Will Smith and he spoke about Fault and Responsibility.He stated that it is NOT your fault that those things happened to you, but it is DAMN sure your responsibility to do something about it and to not let those words mold you into a person who falls victim and believes the whole world owes you something.

Being in ‘victim mode’ only sets you up to lose.

Victims do NOT succeed!!

Casting blame on others gets you nowhere!I’ll be honest with you in saying that I’ve lost a lot of relationships because they lived in victim mode—nothing was there fault and their sadness and depression were all due to something that had happened to them in their past. I’m not discrediting their awful experiences, because nobody deserves to be treated that way. But instead of using those experiences as fuel to live a better, kick ass life, they’ve chosen to do the exact opposite and live a life of blame. And let me be the first to tell you, their lives are miserable. They’re not happy people. They’re not content with their lives, they’re depressed and they suffer addictions. It’s very sad to see because, like you, they were created for greatness.

I hope you’re starting to realize your worth and your potential through this post. It may take some time to start believing in your worth and start believing you’re more than what other people say and more than what society says about you, but once you’ve grasped that concept, nothing, I mean NOTHING will be able to hold you down from your potential and GREATNESS in life!!

You are more.

You are more than depression.

Depression doesn’t have to define you.

My main purpose of writing this bit of biography and my main purpose in life is to show you that depression can come in every shape and size. Depression can occur to someone who’s been abused and depression can occur to someone who’s had a great upbringing. Depression doesn’t favor anyone. My other main purpose in life is to also tell you that YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE! Life is hard and I lived my life acting like it wasn’t hard and everything was fine. Please don’t do that! Here are some findings of a National Institute of Mental Health study of 10,000 teenagers (ages 13 to 18) with eating disorders. Researchers found that the majority of teens with eating disorders did have contact with mental health care, school services, or general medical services. But, LESS THAN A THIRD had talked with a professional about their eating or weight problems.

Do you know what this means??

These mechanisms of depression CAN be AVOIDED! I wouldn’t have gone to anybody either and that’s what I’m here for…to come to YOU and express my empathy and love towards you! I get it! I get laying awake at night in misery and anxiety. My anxiety was all derived from my physical appearance and substance abuse but your anxiety could stem from something totally different, but I get it!

If no one has told you, “I love you”, or no one has encouraged you lately, well sister, I FUCKING LOVE YOU and I encourage you to KEEP MOVING FORWARD. Keep pressing through this crippling depression, because I PROMISE you if you give it your 100% effort to recover, you will recover and gain SO much strength to help another woman who might be struggling.

Sister, thank YOU so much for reading this post. It means the absolute world to me! Please pass this on to whomever you think would need it! I love you!!

You are destined for greatness!!

Love,

Bethany

#depression #eatingdisorders #bodypositivity #anxiety #disorderedeating #youreworthy #greatness #recovery #edrecovery

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pinksweatergettingbetter · 8 years ago

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aight

lets ends this

i love that he's still trying to cheer her up with her terrible crossover idea

phoenix is such a sweetie

“...so we may put this dead lawyer walking out of his misery”

hear hear

just kill me already

“she's now slain two high level clergymen...”

one of which was a confirmed rebel but HEY whatever ITS NOT LIEK YOU KILL THEM IN GENERAL ANYWAY

who gives a fuck this trial is janked

“bahlgilpo’kon hell- the realm of eternal agony”

wow eternal agony is the bottom hell??? thats like the first hell in dante’s hells; youre soft as runny shit kooraheenism.

“there she will suffer the endless punishment of ja’gar by the galuun of Puhlmo’ten.”

SUBTITLES PLEASE

he was killed during the rite but they only found his body like two days later?!?!

what the fuck!?

...and wait a fucking second, he wasnt there when we were fucking investigating BULLSHIT

BUUULLLLLSSSHHHIIIIIIT!!!

two consecutive murders constitutes a serial killer??

every time sadmad sighs and shakes his head i lose a year of my life

Rayfa’s voice is so fucking unfitting; she’s got the voice of a 30 year old woman and she’s supposed to be a whiny-ass 14 year old

do these people know anything about casting??

is it really that hard to get a 14 year old to say a few lines? i was voice acting (not professionally obvs) when i was 14. i sucked, but i was doing it, and there’ve been younger kids working on real shows.

anyway

welp looks like this mcfuck is using a fake name

someone get on that

I'm sorry you’re surrounded by such incompetence, Rayfa. and i mean that. i like you now, youre kinda funny.

phoenix: plus, yesterday, someone told me how the divination seance used to work

phoenix fucking sucks at keeping secrets jesus christ holy fuck just SHUT UP ABOUT THE REBELS YOU MORON

if he says let it go and move on again I'm going to fucking scream

“haha! the police overlooked the clergy tattoo on the back of his neck!”

directly below the stab wound. the clergy tattoo. that has significance in their country.

Why do the Kooraheen Police suck so much ass? They can’t catch a running suspect, and apparently they’re all blind.

HOW DOES THE JUDGE NOT FUCKING KNOW A RELIGIOUS SYMBOL FROM HIS OWN FUCKING RELIGION?!?!?

[insert nahyuta eats (peach emoji)ass joke]

“aren't they utterly different shapes?”

...a... peach... and an upside down peach?!

nahyuta

im gonna blow your mind

this is called a handstand, here, do it with me

lazy ass parents naming their kid “real name”

fuck this joke country

this is some ‘who's on first’ bullshit

RAYFA LUSTS FOR BLOOD

yeah it was freezing on that mountain, of course your estimate was wrong.

i knew this was coming...

hebLINDED HER WITH SCIENCE

BEEP BA BOO BA

“this article is small in size but huge in importance!”

just like my d––

How... did this work? They did a great job of hiding that wound...

also no blood at the “scene of the crime”

yeah not suspicious at all

once again the prosecution blames the detective for something they couldn’t have helped :/

GUARD YOUR ASSHOLE EMA, GUARD YOUR ASSHOLE

HOLY SHIT

INSERT REFERENCE TO ABOVE PEACH JOKE

loud ass clock inside a secret hideout? good one, rebels. super well done.

ahhhh

now that is clever. i like that

although, considering the length of that statue’s beak, he should’ve been impaled right through his body, so.....

you were close, SOJ

glad to see more clever twists though.

game ruins everything with blatant hints

there are other cases where they can tell when two weapons have been used on the same wound

why cant they tell now?

stone sharp enough to cut skin??

your hideout is fucking death trap

good going rebels

youre using serial killer wrong... again

thats a lie, nobody likes swiss cheese

LAY OFF CHEESE YOU PIECE OF SHIT

ILL RIP YOUR ASS OUT

“what you said is total bullshit!! heres what happened; this, this this. and since I said it ,its true! without any proof!!! SO THERE”

phoenix: VALID POINT!

sadmad: bullshit excuse

judge: sounds legit, overruled!

“jeez just toss me an Axe if its that bad...”

“plotting your escapee from this sacred hall?”

yeah well just run out

“you would pin a crime upon the dead, who you know tell no tales?”

did you just forget the whole

soul pool thing or

are you just stupid

aw baby here we go

stop saying 30% you dont know shit

oh my god

whoa whats he doing with the magatama

“wait... i think i saw something just now...”

what, phoenix

what did you see, hmm?

“the power of prayer! yes... it uh... helps you... install listening devices in your secrets base uuhhhhhh...ITS NOT WEIRD

“She has a way of putting me at ease...”

(weeps) my babies

(sigh) its the wife, get on with it

“long years of ascetic training have sharpened my ears”

god the training is more useful to Athena than it is Maya. this is depressing.

make like a mollusc and clam up??? who says that???????

boy you sure fuckin suck at this Mr. Inmee

judging by that KAAHHH Tahrust should have a deep voice, and DD had a deeper male voice blip... why aren't they using it? they've already implemented singing blips and tutting blips, did they forget about the extra deep blips?

or are those reserved for demons?

he is a ghost...

...how far along is behleeb anyway? either I'm blind or the sprite artist forgot to give her a baby bump.

hey yeah! she's barely pregnant! her character art shows that! so its not so much of a stretch that she could be running around killing rebels. Plus, she hasn’t been pregnant for two years...

...of course, its not her, it’s rUHEEL NAYMUH, but still. she’s not far along enough to be inconvenienced by her child.

potato potahto tomahto egg salad!!

stop praying at me, nahyuta.

dont you fucking dare...

dont you even fucking dare

THEY DARED

I SWEAR TO FUCK

i swear to fuck

so. youre gonna blame maya. for the actions. of YOUR OWN GODDESS.

WHO’S GREAT AND POWERFUL AND MYSTICAL AND WISE AND PERFECT.... UNLESS SHE’S BEING CHANNELED BY A DIRTY FOREIGNER?

i just i cannot express how angry this makes me. it doesn’t make any fucking sense and it’s complete and utter hypocrisy. it’s even worse than before; before they were suggesting that the person dressed as Lady Kee’ra was killing rebels in her name, if it wasn’t outright her. Now they’re suggesting it was LITERALLY HER, and remember, these people are UBER RELIGIOUS, and they still have a problem with THEIR IMMORTAL GODDESS IN THE FLESH exacting her divine punishment against people THAT ARE HARMING THEIR COMMUNITY ANYWAY???

yes, vigilantism is dangerous. but it gets a little more fucking complicated when you suggest that it’s the legit actions of an ACTUAL GODDESS.

and even if this is the corrupt government just trying to cover up deaths (which it is) why didn’t they just step in and go “Yeah, another Lady Kee’ra murder. All hail the marvellous goddesses. er diarrhoea kooraheen.”

it would be a lot easier and a lot less messy than taking a kid to court. why do they even want Maya out of the way, anyway? She didn’t know any of the rebels, and she posed no threat to their corrupt government. Yeah, Zealot’s dead, but they literally could have just hired another crazy assassin.

Unless there’s a REAL GOOD FUCKIN REASON for all of this, I call bullshit, bullshit bULLSHIT

i think it’s time to let your head go and move on to another room sadmad

at the same time

...plus they legit just forgot their own lore.

maya can’t summon Kee’ra if she doesn’t know what she looks like.

that was so easy i didnt have to even press on statements; thats how easy that contradiction is. thats how easy it is to remember something stated five minutes ago, and how easy it is to remember how your own religion works. you fuckhats.

oh hey i just realized Tahrust really does call Behleeb his “lovely wife”

aw. how nice. if only they didnt decide to scapegoat maya.

doesn't matter your intentions; you die if you scapegoat maya. you die by my blade.

you ok pal. is an alarm clock really the source of an evil laugh.

“indeed! we leave the alarm switched off at all times!”

why would you even have a clock with an alarm on it in a secret base anyway?? and how did phoenix manage to play it in the hideout if the alarm was switched off?

“those distinctive taiko drums”

fuckin’ finally

ive been waiting for that stupid watch to come back for AAAGEES

of course there was a reason maya would mention traditional japanese instruments...

y’know it’s funny that he would even make that fuckup in the first place. if he’s a plumed punisher fan, he should know how the theme song goes. his wife was at least a big fan, meaning he’d probably have heard the opening enough times to know that Taiko drums weren’t part of it. Furthermore, if he was banking on the fact that the two themes sound similar to pass off the deception, then it was a huge mistake on his part to define the sound as Taiko drums; thats just a needless detail that could get him caught out, which it did.

and if he just didn’t know, well... again, useless detail. always bad. always be vague if you wanna get away with shit.

ah... at least in death, Raheel Namer didn’t have to suffer the Plumed Punisher theme song.

i love that phoenix refers to the show by it’s full title. that’s adorable.

now what’s really confusing me is that that Photo of the fam is stated to have been taken during the Feast of whatever. Which is the same time-frame as Reely Real Name’s death. He’s alive in the photo, Behleeb is in the photo, and the Judge and his family are nowhere to be found. But all those things were huge parts of the case, and they couldn’t have eaten before or after because of the whole ‘you can only eat Ghingil for three hours on that one special day’.

am I missing something or going nuts??

that said I'm so glad i can finally present this photo. it’s been gnawing at me as much as the watch thing.

“trademark topknot”

OH PLEASE JUST LET IT END

ffjglk dlg ljlgkd hey Tahrust do me a solid and just tell them how you died ok

please i have a family

i have stomach ulcers

off-brand logic

i totally forgot that was in this game too

wow.

“hmm, there’s really nothing to suggest a murder other than the red water in the spring, which only Maya would see and probably not question (considering this isn’t her religion and she doesn’t fuckin know how that shit works) and said spring probably empties somewhere, since it would be swampy otherwise. let’s see... i can KILL MYSELF TO GIVE THE RED WATER A REASON FOR EXISTING or do literally anything else... WELP, BETTER FUCKIN KILL MYSELF. ALL HAIL THE REBELS!”

...well at least he saved maya from contracted a blood disease.

tahrust must be pissed that his death came to naught when his own rebel pals gave the secret key to a guy who sold them out in five seconds.

never gets to meet his child... never gets to see the revolution come to fruition... never gets to live happily with his family... all because he couldn’t think of any other solution to protecting that shitty hovel behind a rock.

kinda tragic.

wish i was less angry

“there was no weapon at the inner sanctum...”

did everyone just forget the giant bloody murder statue???

pohl’fuckya sadmad

babe... oh no... don’t give yourself up like this

thats sad

dont

i feel the sad now

shit

“abbot inmee!! summon a physician at once!!’

HES DEAD

WAY TO RUIN THE MOMENT WITH UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY DUMBASS

“but murder sanctioned by the crown is still murder”

what’s murder sanctioned by a goddess? apparently you guys are ok with that one. oh unless it’s a goddess being channeled by a foreigner.

soerry im bitter about that one moving on now

he lunged at you from behind the stone slab?? nice trajectory moron

hang on a second he put reereenaymee’s body in the plaza before prayer time... with the dagger still in him??

HOW DID NOBODY NOTICE THE FUCKING DAGGER

“you need not frame the accused for your crime”

for once Sadmad says something smart

honestly... suicide really wasn’t the answer. even if it was to protect your wife there were,,,,, so many other options

for example, realname’s last moments, as we saw, made it look like he was killed in the Plaza of devotion. You could have so easily made it look like he was murdered there, by some rando, during the rite. The kooraheen police fucking suck at their job, so it wouldn’t matter. but no; you had to die, and blame Maya.... because she was foreign. A foreigner who came to you for guidance and shelter.

STOP AGREEING WITH ME SADMAD, I DONT LIKE YOU

“You must use your law powers to make sure no more innocent people suffer under this shitty law!!

...like Maya did!! .......because of me!!

i love that the excuse is like “there’s no way she could prove it was self defence in this government...” to make it all tear-jerking and point out how horrible and corrupt their legal system is...

...and yet, if we remember Reunion and Turnabout, which also included channeling and self defence... It was EQUALLY impossible for Maya to be cleared of the crime on self-defence charges!!

pot calling the kettle black, japanifornia!

“lol sorry for almost getting you killed cause i couldn't think of a better plan than kill myself”

yea thanks tahrust, coo-al

“I ask that you look after my wife”

er she’s... going to jail... she’s... been outed as a rebel... you do get that right

fuck you Tahrust, you made her cry

“now you can watch over me from the world beyond”

he cant actually, since they retconned spirits being conscious in the afterlife. good going, capcom.

oh man that cutscene was goofy. except for the crying

fuck you Tahrust

Maya: :D hOW y'all doin?!

also according to maya Tahrust didnt leave any regrets behind which means that he totally gives no fucks that his dumbass plan endangered Maya’s life and made his wife cry. Dick.

He doesn't even regret missing the birth of his fuckin child. Ass.

Sadmad: I owe a debt to you, one that I will return––

Me: Eat a rotten egg.

Sadmad: Wha-–

Me: Go on, master of putrescence. Eat a whole rotten egg. Consume it shell and all. You heard me. Insert the egg into your mouth and chomp down. Times ticking, I’m waiting.

i forgot about the stupid butterflies

“So I was thinking, Nick, the legal system here is really stacked agains the defence! It’s really unfair!”

YA DONT SAY

listen to this happy music playing as everyone is forced to come to terms with all this sad ass shit. also it appears we just forgot about that tiny matter of the government literally putting hits out. Rayfas dad. is doing this. Nobody gonna address that?? No? Ok

Maya: QUIT BEINA LIL BITCH

wait what

what is this new sprite

eurhg i dont like it put it away

thats not maya thats a husk of evil

wow. rayfa didnt even know why maya was here training. the bullshit continues to flow...

Maya: deciding what is true and what is false for your people...

the actual truth and lies, right? RIGHT? MAYA???

ergh this is so... corny? schlocky? it feels forced

“Sorry for almost getting you killed anyway VIVE LA REVOLUTION”

Yay! It’s vore man!! i kinda missed his stretchy face.

oh well that

thats just a really anticlimactic reveal of Dhurke

like tada! there he is! and he's gone! whatever; he's just been talked about in hushed whispers for the last case or w/e!

awww the bailiff thinks he can catch a running rebel!! so cute~

“The Steel Samurai vs Dhurke the Rebel!”

MAYA. THE LAST FIVE MINUTES WERE DEVOTED TO EXPLAINING THAT THE REBELS ARE THE GOOD GUYS. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???

i love that they keep hammering in that “maya has stayed maya”

see guys??? dont you just feel the magic of the trilogy??? ITS THERE GUYS WE SWEAR

Welp, thats it for that case. Now back to America, to visit Athena and BK, and hopefully to read a more enjoyable storyline...

#sulking over SOJ #soj spoilers #soj spoilers obvs]

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lady-nevermore · 8 years ago

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Session 2

Before I begin talking about what happened in Therapy, can I just say how relieved, and am low-key/sorta glad, that I actually managed to get a good night’s sleep last night? I actually fucking managed to go to bed early, get 8 hours of sleep, and woke up around 6 AM without feeling like I was gonna pass out from sleep-deprivation (Yess! Take that insomnia)! >:D

Yesterday, as well as last Saturday (and even the earlier part of Today), were actually some pretty good days for me; These last couple of weekends Me and mom have been going to church for the last couple of Sundays around 6AM (most would be surprised with me being semi-religious/agnostic, but it was nice actually, calming even....) and closely afterwards we’ve been trying to make a habit of walking to our local library that’s close by (where there also happens to be a local duck pond in conjunction with said library). And Yesterday, on our way back from church, we even managed to help save this poor kitty (that had it’s head stuck in a jar).

So yeah, woke up around 6 AM in the morn today, and took a walk with my mom to our local library. It was nice (soothing even) just walking around in the crisp cold fresh morning breeze, and looking at the reflection of the pond whilst taking in the local wildlife: ducks obviously, a couple of squirrels, robins, crows, hell we even saw a fish (Salmon I think) jump and flop back into the water like twice, as well as saw a falcon on the rooftop of the library at one point too. It was nice, seeing these animals just go about their business, frolicking and whatnot. It made me smile. :)

We’re trying to make this a habit of sorts, (this the third time/third weekend now that we’ve done this, so far so good right) in order to help me get used to getting out of the house more often and make a ritual of getting some low-key exercise along the way.....Umm, does walking for half an hour or even an entire hour count as exercise?. lol ^^;

Anyways, I’ve also managed to accompany my parents to the grocery store during these last past couple of weekends aswell; and yesterday, I even plucked up the courage to go with them to Lowes and helped my folks pick out and buy a new washing-machine (the last one we had, has been on it’s last/final legs for like effing years now, so this was def. a long time coming).

Hell, today, I even managed to get some spring-cleaning done and dusted the crap outta my room and living room (haven’t dusted my damn room in ages, so it’s been a long time coming) and I’m not gonna lie, but it feels so much nicer/cleaner/fresh now that it’s not soo goddamn dusty, it’s nice. ^^;

And tbh all things considered, doing all of this as of late (even if it may seem miniscule to everyone else) has all really made me feel somewhat productive, and I think that it’s helping me a lot.

But anyways, back to the actual therapy session itself...

May 22, 2017

So, Second day of Therapy today...

And well, shit.... I mean knew it was gonna happen eventually (and here’s me thinking it was gonna take like ages for this to happen cause, if there’s one thing I really hate and can’t stand: it’s me crying in front of people, especially people I know or am emotionally attached to; it makes me feel soo fucking vulnerable, uncomfortable, exposed, and worst of all weak) but yeah, I didn’t actually think I was gonna cry this early on in our sessions (I mean we just barely got started). >_>;

...At first, My therapist just asked me how I was feeling and I told her that I was feeling nervous, nervous that during this session, we were actually gonna start digging into deeper, more emotional stuff, than the simple mere evaluation she did during our first initial session. and that’s when we started to talk and go through basically a timeline of my entire life up to this point so to speak.

- Age 5-6: Emotionally (and sometimes physically abused) by my Aunt whom was living/sharing a household with me, my parents, her husband and son at the time, let’s call her “Aunt C”; I felt like I was living in a broken home, a household full of domestic fighting (screaming matches) between my poor victimised mom and my poor excuse of an aunt who was basically a control freak and snapped / flew off the handle at every little thing. My parents were always working hard trying to make ends meet, they weren’t intentionally neglecting me or anything like that, they are good decent people (we grew up poor), but they just never really had the luxury or time to be spending time with me let alone take care of me (and so left me in my Aunt’s care cause they had no choice and it was convenient). The fighting was so bad that at one point I remember being horrified and in a state of utter shock as my “Aunt C” held my mom up against the wall with her hand around her throat (the memory of My Aunt almost attempting to strangle my mother will forever be burned in my mind). My younger self took refuge at school, My therapist says that due to the fact that I didn’t feel safe (nor was I getting enough consistent: love, attention, etc), that I started to block out everything that was happening at home via focusing on my school life, and thereby using my teachers and friends as substitute parental figures and family respectfully, in order to fill the void of what lacked in my home-life (I’ve done this all the way up till high school, I always consider my teachers as parental figures, adults I could legit trust, and each group of friends as my second/replacement family of sorts)....My therapist ain’t wrong: That’s why I always loved going to school, why my friends were the bright lights in my life from elementary school all the way up till high-school, and why I felt so damn attached to my teachers growing up, even all the way up till I graduated from High-School, to me they were my heroes (and it’s the main reason I wanted to become a teacher myself growing up.......and why I personally took one of my Teacher’s/Mentor’s/Old Friend’s death/passing soo damn hard during the year 2011, well that, and because I was actually a close friend to them, as well).

But none of that made me cry what struck a nerve, what really effing struck a nerve was the fact that when I was a Junior during High School, my dad had heart surgery (I was around 16 at the time), and my dad needed my mom to stay close to him (cause he was really scared and felt helpless without her), and I ended up staying at my “Aunt C” and her family’s house for a while.... And see here’s the thing, Aunt C has a son (my cousin) and I remember him telling me that he felt like i bullied him when we were kids, and in my mind we were just rough-housing, messing around as kids do when they’re 5-6.....He was serious when he told me he felt like I bullied him, and I felt absolutely fucking disgusted with myself, like sick to my stomach disgusted with myself, because in my mind I resent being put in the same category as my Aunt C or even being compared to her; because I always and will forever visualize/connect bullying with abuse (that and I personally hate the idea of people hurting other people; this all thank’s to my Aunt C).....funny how things came back full circle huh?......But anyways, when my cousin told me this, I apologized, and sincerely too....it was a serious moment between the two of us (because my voice started to crack with emotion, from tearing up in front of him), he accepted my apology and we never spoke of the incident again.

When I was explaining all of this to my Therapist, I didn’t even realizing i started to cry (like the silent, suffer in silence type of crying too); what really made me cry harder and struck a nerve was that she told me (after me telling her that I wished I would have known better as kid) was that it wasn’t my fault, that I shouldn’t be blaming 5-6 year old me for something that I wasn’t even mature enough to truly comprehend in regards to my actions and their respective consequences/repercussions.....I thought that I already made my peace with all of this in the past.....but to be honest, I think that really I needed to hear that from my Therapist.

We talked a lot about other moments in my life as well, like when I was 7 years old, my parents had left me with my godparents for like a week, and this was during Summer Vacation mind you (cause they didn't want me near my Aunt C anymore, and they were scrambling, looking for another place to live); I felt abandoned, like my parents abandoned me; my silly 7 year old self couldn’t emotionally comprehend what was happening, and didn't realize that it was only a mere short week( but in my mind at the time, it felt like months)....That was the first time I ever had a panic attack, the night my parents left me with my godparents (my godparents are and were good people mind you, I just wasn’t close or didn;t really know them all too well at the time).

We also talked about My High school Graduation, and how I noted that i felt depressed, sad, alone, and how I felt somewhat distant/abandoned by my friends (which I obviously blamed myself for); and how afterwards Grad-Night (they still do these nowadays right?) first kicked off my insomnia. -___-;

And the fact that one of the reasons why I feel so anxious is the fact that I’m afraid of encountering or spontaneously meeting up with some of my old teachers or high school friends, She asked me why I felt like this; and I said it was mostly because, I was mostly known as the straight A student, a teacher’s pets; and that these people had high hopes for me, hell I had high hopes for me; and that I’m afraid of feeling their disappointment, anger, rejection, of the the fact that I wasted my life after high-school, that and well.......that I’m also ashamed that I cut them all out of my life after I fell into a deep deep depression and had a mental/nervous breakdown (after my Mentor/Teacher/Friend passed away, and me shortly after failing all of my college classes, and dropping out of community college). Because if there is one thing I value above all else: it’s Loyalty and Friendship (I also told her that i’ve always had trouble keeping friendships in the past due to my trust issues, that stem mostly from my abusement from my Aunt C...cause if you can’t even trust family, how can i trust anyone else; but trust me, I fight against that anxiety-filled reflex as hard as i can, in order to still continue to strive and open-up/connect with people, especially those i consider and am honored to call: friend).

But the second thing that made me cry was the fact that My Therapist told me that she thinks that I’m a really strong person for willing to try to come to therapy in order to get better, and that I still had my whole life ahead of me (I’m 25 mind you, am a college dropout, doesn’t know how to drive, still live with my folks who deserve a better daughter than me, never even had a job before and am housebound, and all of this makes me feel like a goddamn failure), and that it wasn’t too late......hearing someone else besides my parents tell me this, solidified the possibility of there being some actual truth to what she was saying, that there was actually hope, and that was what made me cry, because of nigh possibility that there was still fucking hope for me.....well, that and that it might not be too late for me to reconnect with some of my old high-school friends from the past, even if it’s been 8 years too late (this one still scares the crap out of me mostly for fear of confronting them, their rejection and disappointment, facing their anger, etc).

....After a while, she told me that I placed waaay too many high expectations of myself (am too damn hard on myself) and she told me, that, that is my anxiety talking not, me.

And that she was glad to hear that I started putting in the effort of me trying to voluntarily going with my parents to the grocery store during the weekends (these past three weekends), as well as that fact that me and my mom have been trying to go to church, and take walks near our local library (you know the one with the duck pond).

Feeling sorta drained right now, gonna try to head to bed at 10:30 or 11 PM, in order to wake up early again (really need and want to kick my insomnia’s ass)....I’m sure there are loads of stuff I forgot to mention, or that I accidently skipped...If remember, I’ll probably do another one of these blog posts, and call it: “Therapy Session 2 Part 2″ or something like that. heh xP

- Lady Nevermore

#personal #therapy #therapy blog #session 2 #second day of therapy #i can't believe i actually cried #didnt think I was gonna cry this early on....#social anxiety #anxiety #depression

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