#i had so many plans for the angsty version of this then i sat down today and thought... no. no thank u. happy thots only :)

[hannieehaee]

them accidentally ditching you on your bday pt. 2 - hhu

content: angsty, gender neutral, established relationship, conflict resolution, direct continuation to this, fluff, happy ending, etc.

part 1

wc: 3889

a/n: literally so many ppl requested thisjhdf im glad u guys liked it!! im working on vu and pu versions for this rn btw <3

masterlist

seungcheol -

seungcheol sat there for a minute or so, simply pondering at what had just happened. it was 100% his fault, that was something he was very well aware of. he knew that it had simply slipped his mind, but that did not wipe away the hurt he saw in your eyes upon entering your shared apartment. knowing that you had been waiting for him all day made him feel like an asshole. he couldn't believe that he had forgotten about your birthday even upon coming home at midnight the night prior. he felt like such a hypocrite, always whining at people to give him royalty treatment on his birthday but absolutely ignoring you during yours. you, his most favorite person.

he felt hurt that you had decided to spend the night with some friends, instead of in the arms of your boyfriend, but he understood. this was what he deserved. god knew that he wouldve pulled out all the dramatics if you had done the same to him, which was why he was now at a standstill, not knowing what he should do. he wanted to see you so badly, get on his knees and apologize, letting you know over and over again that you were the most vital person in his life and that forgetting you was something that not even he could forgive himself for.

now, he could've sat there and lamented himself over his stupid mistake, or he could run after you before you made it out of the building. he did not want you going to bed angry, or much worse, sad, so he picked the latter and got off his ass to chase after you, not caring about his current exhaustion as he took the stairs rather than the elevator in order to be able to catch up to you before you made it to your car.

luckily for him, he was able to catch you just as you stepped out of the elevator (having ran down five flights of stairs and almost injuring himself in the process), completely unsuspecting to his sudden ambush. he hadn't noticed until now, but you had dressed up, clearly ready to go clubbing or partying with your friends. he felt bad to get in the way of your plans. no, he felt horrible to accidentally ditch you and then ruin your plans. but he needed to at least try and make amends. he knew that if this were him, he'd want you to try and make it up to him.

you jumped back a bit at seungcheol's sudden apparition as you rounded the corner upon exiting the elevator, seemingly not having expected him to come after you.

"cheol, what are you doing?", you didn't seem mad, but your tone let him know you were clearly not content with him.

okay, he didn't think as far as this. his main goal was just to convince you to stay, then he would come up with a way to make it up to you.

"baby, i ... i'm so sorry. i know how hypocritical this is coming from me. i never meant to forget, you know that! there's nothing i can do to make up for having forgotten about you today, but please, please let me try."

"cheol .. i don't know," you paused, "last year when i texted you at 12:03 you complained about it for over an hour. you're the one always making a big deal about this. i assumed you'd care when the shoe was on your foot, but apparently not."

"i do! i do care. baby, please. let me take you out. ditch your friends. i'll take you somewhere. anywhere. i'll even take you out tomorrow too! i'll take the day off. how does that sound?"

"you cant take the day off, cheol. you're an idol-"

"i dont care! they can come and try to drag me away from you if they want. i want to be with you. please let me. please don't leave. cant stand the thought of you going to sleep alone after what i did."

you chuckled at the first half of his statement, feeling touched at the second part of it.

"are you sure?"

he scoffed, deciding to go on a leap and hold onto your hands, pulling you closer to him, "yes! there's nothing i wanted to do more today than be with you! it mightve slipped my mind that today was the day, but i had a beautiful day for us planned, baby. will you let me show you? please?"

cheol knew it was hard for you to say no to him, specially when he whined and pouted at you, giving you his best performance in order for you to understand how badly he felt. it didn't take much more for you to break, finally letting a smile graced your face as you squeezed his hands in yours.

"you better make this worth my while, choi seungcheol," god, he hated when anyone called him that, but you were the exception.

"always."

wonwoo -

wonwoo was astonished at himself, for lack of a better word. he had never been more disappointed in himself than in this moment. sure, he didn't take birthdays too seriously, and he knew you didn't either, but you always made him feel so special on his day he had only wanted to do the same. he was a lowkey guy, so his ways of showing love sometimes went unnoticed by most people, except for you. you accepted the subtlety of his love, loving him all the more for it. he felt terrible that today he showed you the exact opposite of what he had planned. he had taken weeks to perfect the dinner he had wanted to make for you, having prepared a romantic night for the two of you. all he wanted was to make you feel loved as he held you through the night, but his plan had stupidly slipped his mind.

what kind of asshole ditches their significant other on their birthday? for a stupid video game out of all things? as soon as wonwoo communicated what you had texted him to mingyu, his roommate couldn't help but scold him, telling him this was very uncharacteristic of him. which it was. everyone knew wonwoo to be a very sensible guy. it was very rare for anyone to have their feelings hurt by wonwoo. the guy was just simply too emotionally intelligent to ever be perceived as a hurtful individual. except now he had shown a careless part of himself that rarely ever faced the surface.

he was unsure of what to do. it was clear by your messages that you did not want to see him. you quite literally had asked him to not come. your texts to him were always filled with love, somehow being able to have your affections to him transcend even through text. but these were cold, and with good reason. still, wonwoo did not want to give up. the only thing that would be worse than ditching you on your birthday would be to stay where he was, knowing you were not only upset but also hurt by his actions. or rather, lack there of.

so, wonwoo was now on his way to you. well, to your apartment. you had mentioned in your messages that you would be out with friends due to his absence. it killed him that you had chosen to be with your friends over him, but he was fully aware that he only had himself to blame for that. he was glad you at least had someone to be with while his forgetfulness kept him away from you.

he had a key to your apartment, often heading over to fall asleep in your arms after a grueling day of being an idol. upon arriving there, he knew you'd be gone, so he allowed himself in, hauling in all the ingredients he had packed with him in order to make you the dinner he had been planning all these weeks. he was unsure of when you'd arrive back home, so he needed to hurry just in case. there was also a chance you'd come back in the early hours of the morning, knowing you would sometimes stay out with your friends til 1 or 2 in the am. having practiced this dinner multiple times, wonwoo was able to have it all done by 10, hoping that you'd arrive soon so the dinner wouldn't go to waste. he took care of the ambience, lighting candles and even moving furniture aside to make space for his set up. all he had to do now was wait for your arrival.

it had taken you around two hours to arrive. wonwoo had simply sat there waiting for you, not wanting to contact you as to not disturb you. okay, maybe he had maniacally texted you back earlier, apologizing for his mistake over and over, but had received no response, so he had decided it'd be best to just wait for you to arrive on your own. and now you were here, crossing the door to your apartment.

you stopped upon spotting him, widening your eyes before taking note of the dinner table behind him, "wonwoo? what are you doing here?"

he smiled sadly at you, slightly unsure of what to say, "i cooked for you," he paused, continuing upon seeing your confusion, "im so sorry. time got the best of me. i cant believe it slipped my mind. i knew it was today, but i got too distracted. i never wanted to make you feel like i didnt care. i do. so much."

you stood there without saying anything, still carrying a slightly shocked expression on your face. so he continued.

"baby ... please, have a meal with me. i prepared all this for you. this is what i had planned for today, if only i hadnt forgotten. let me make it up to you, please. i already called off tomorrow. i had a whole day planned for us, but i'll do whatever you want. if you want me to leave, i will. just, please. i need you to know how much i care. i love you, you're everything."

you continued to stare at him for a bit, a soft smile slowly breaking into your features before responding.

"nonu .. you didn't have to do all this. i'm sorry if i made you worry. this is ... it's such a sweet gesture. of course i want you to stay. all i wanted all day was to be with you," it melted his heart that you had wanted him all day, but were separated by none other than himself.

he pulled you into his arms halfway through your response, humming as he felt you hug him back. nothing felt as nice as your touch against his.

"im so sorry, beautiful. this will never happen again, i promise."

"i love you, wonwoo. thank you."

"happy birthday."

mingyu -

mingyu had never hauled ass quicker than at that moment, not even bothering to say goodbye to his roommate before grabbing a jacket and sprinting out of the door.

he couldn't believe his behavior towards you. you had always been a top priority to him, and to now realize he had forgotten your birthday gutted him tremendously. but what got to him even more was the knowledge that you had probably been waiting all day for him, having agreed beforehand that he would make space for you on your special day even through his packed comeback schedule. the sole thought that you, the bestest person he had ever met, had sat alone waiting for him all day, made him feel like the worst boyfriend. so now he was quite literally running in order to get to you.

the dryness of your voice during that call should've been the first hint that something was wrong, but what really made the alarms go off in his head was your lack of response when he said 'i love you' to you. mingyu knew it was dumb to care so much about it, but he thrived off words of affirmation, so your lack of response made him immediately assume something was wrong. you had never not reciprocated his words of affection, much less hung up on him. the moment he expressed his concerns to wonwoo, he was reminded by his roommate that 'oh wait, isn't it their birthday this week?' suddenly his mind started spiraling, now remembering that he had forgotten his boyfriend duties on the most important day.

it didn't take him too long to get to your apartment. okay, he didn't actually run there, he was just being a tad bit dramatic. but dramatics were necessary in this situation, which is why the moment you begrudgingly opened the door after his incessant knocks, allowing him inside, he immediately dropped to his knees, looking up at you as he rambled apologies at you.

"baby, i'm so fucking sorry. god, i don't know how i forgot. i swear the day just slipped my mind. i had plans ready, i swear! i've just been so busy with the comeback- not that that's an excuse! you have every reason to be mad at me. it won't happen again, i promise, i-" mingyu wasn't sure when exactly he was going to stop listing off constant apologies to you. he wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying at this point, just repeating himself over and over again, letting it slip past him that you were now standing above him, holding in your amusement at the state of the pleading man before you.

"mingyu, please get up."

like an obedient boy, he got up, now towering over you as he usually did. he immediately held onto your hands, bringing them up to his chest as he continued his apologies.

"you have every right to be mad at me. i neglected you and forgot about you when i shouldn't have. i didn't even wanna come home to wonwoo tonight! i wanted to come to you! but we have a schedule early tomorrow morning, so it was just easier. but i'll cancel! i'll stay here with you! i wanna make it up to you-"

"mingyu, shut up!"

that was enough for him to slam his mouth shut immediately, looking at you as he waited for your next command words.

"mingyu, listen. i understand. i was hurt you forgot, but i understand you're really busy right now, okay? i'm not angry at you. you don't have to cancel your schedule either. i don't want to get in the way of-"

"i'll do it! you're my top priority, baby. you know that."

"i still don't want you to cancel, gyu. it's fine. i'm not angry. i appreciate your apology. just wanted to be with you today .. i'm sorry if i made you worry," you looked down, almost as if embarrassed by having felt hurt by his actions. this made mingyu melt with guilt.

"no, baby. fuck. how can i make this up to you? can i stay here tonight? hmm? i'll cook you dinner and wake you up with breakfast. i'll even cut my schedule short for tomorrow so i can be back home with you earlier. how's that sound?"

"sounds perfect mingyu, thank you," he took this as confirmation to finally hold you in his arms, swaying you back and forth as he hummed the birthday song lightly against your ear, causing you to giggle against him.

vernon -

everyone was aware that vernon could sometimes be a little too chill for his own good. he didn't make too big of a deal about most things, simply going with the flow and allowing things to evolve on their own. except that could not be done in this situation. right now, he needed to make a choice. give you your space, or run home to you, tail between his legs as he apologized for ever having forgotten about you. the last thing vernon would ever want was for you to not feel the immense amount of love he's always had for you. he knew he could be bad at showing it sometimes, but you were the absolute love of his life, which made him feel devastated over and over again as he kept rereading your texts.

'maybe you should stay at the dorms tonight. not really in the mood for you to spend the night. im sorry. love you.' that was what you had last sent to him exactly thirty-eight minutes ago. how could he just sit with that for the rest of the night? specially when all he wanted to do was be with you and hold you and kiss you and show you how incredibly obsessed with you he was. he was never good with dates, but he had always gotten any and all dates pertaining to you right thus far. he even had a gift for you he had purchased a few months back, but he had stupidly forgotten the day he had been preparing for was this week. this mistake was an outlier, truly, but it hurt you nonetheless, which was all vernon cared about at the moment. he couldn't believe you'd been having to hint at your birthday while your boyfriend remained clueless. you must've felt so dejected. he winced at the thought.

however, right now was not a time for lamentations. even if you kicked him out and told him to get fucked, vernon had to at least try to come home to you now. he quickly went over the situation with his members, explaining that he had been a total douchebag and neglected you. that earned him scoldings from all members present, calling him all types of names and demanding he head over to your apartment right this instant to beg for forgiveness and hope you wouldn't just send him right back.

so now he was on his way to you, despite you having instructed him to stay away. he wanted to respect your wishes, but he couldn't go to sleep tonight knowing your heart was still hurt because of him. he needed to at least see you and have you know that he was willing to try and mend things. vernon wasn't one for public displays, nor was he one for dramatics, but he was willing to pull all stops for you if it meant you'd forgive him. which was why he was currently running through the hybe hallways as he called up his driver to be ready to take him to your apartment as soon as he reached the parking lot.

he had had time to think over a game plan on the way over, except nothing came to mind. the two of you had never fought before. sure, there had been a few minuscule spats here and there, but he had never seen you angry at him before; he'd never given any reason to be until now. he didn't want to freak out over this, but knew how hurtful it must've been for you to feel so neglected by the person who's supposed to love you most, so he felt a pit in his stomach with the worry that maybe this would be enough for you to finally snap at his forgetful tendencies and end it. he didn't have much time to think about this, however, as he now stood in front of your apartment door, fearful of knocking on it.

the decision to open the door was made for him, as you incidentally opened it yourself, yelping at his apparition on the other side of it.

"vernon? what are you doing here?", you didn't seem angry. you seemed more confused at his presence. that was good.

"i- uh ... i'm sorry."

okay, kind of a bad start.

"vernon. i told you not to come over tonight. i'm sorry, i'm not really in the mood to see you right now," even though you didn't appear angry, your eyes wouldn't meet his, making him deflate a bit.

"are you mad at me? i'm so sorry. i didnt mean to forget, i swear," vernon knew there wasn't much he could say past that, but he wanted you to at least know he regretted his neglect.

"i'm not angry, vernon. i'm just a little ... sad. i tried to be subtle about it. i mean, i dont even care for my birthday that much, but i hoped my boyfriend would at least remember it."

"baby, god. i am so fucking sorry. i never meant to make you feel like i didn't care. it just slipped my mind. i know it's not a valid excuse, but i need you to know that it doesnt mean anything. i'm just a fucking idiot. i'm sorry."

he was rambling now. somehow you being hurt by him trumped the chance of you being mad.

"vernon, it's fine. i dont want you beating yourself up about it. i'll get over it. i just need space tonight. i was about to go meet with a friend before you got here," you seemed like you just wanted to get out of the situation, clearly feeling awkward at even expressing your disappointment at him. it made vernon feel like even more of an asshole.

"no! be mad! you shouldn't get over it. i should be making it up to you. stay. please. i'll do anything you want. i'll take tomorrow off. we can do something together. anything you want. i have a gift for you and everything! i got it while in japan, the date just slipped my mind, i swear. please stay. i don't want to leave you alone if i made you sad. please."

"vernon ..."

"please. i don't want to force you. if you want to leave, i'll accept it, but let me make it up to you. i dont want you to feel like i dont care. i do. i know i dont express it much, that's on me. i'll make it known. i'll show you. i don't want to hurt you again, i-"

he was unable to finish his sentence, now stumbling back due to a sudden weight against him. you, with your arms now wrapped around him as your face nuzzled his neck. he instinctively wrapped his arms around you, squeezing you in as he lowered his head to breathe you in, humming as he felt the relief of having you in his hold.

you pulled away too quickly for his liking, eyes slightly glossy but not enough to consider it worrisome, "i forgive you. i'm sorry, i didn't mean to exaggerate. i did feel neglected, but-"

"but nothing. don't apologize, please. this won't happen again, okay? i love you."

"i love you too," you smiled at him before pausing, "i .. do you wanna come in?", you seemed a bit sheepish, probably feeling awkward at hearing vernon ramble apologies at you for the past five minutes, showing way more emotion than he usually did.

"come in? oh, you're not leaving? wait, don't answer that. yes," he held onto your hand before you could say anything, pulling you in for a quick kiss before leading you into your apartment, all under the promise to make up for his previous carelessness and never make you doubt his affections for you ever again.

[ghost-proofbaby]

Are we allowed two? I really want two please 🫣

E. If you wrote a sequal to 'would've, could've should've' what would it be about?

F. Share a snippet from one of your favourite dialogue scenes you've written and explain why your proud of it

🖤🖤

oh you are absolutely allowed as many as you’d like 🖤

E: if i wrote a sequel to that one, i’d probably base it around all too well (10 minute version), and eddie starting up a pattern of coming back repeatedly to reader! but it would just be so angsty, and really toxic, and i don’t think my heart could take it (plus it just feels so so very out of character).

F: a bit of a throwback for those of you that have read the shire is burning… but this scene.

the very first night i sat down and decided i wanted to write an eddie munson fanfic, and i began to properly plan it all out, i planned this scene. literally. i still have the entry in my notes app that i typed out angrily as i sat across from my best friend and said what i needed to happen. little else had been planned (beyond wanting to also write a fix it fic, and that this would be the precursor to that. and you know, fake dating.)

i will always be so, so proud of it. it's the first time that a scene went down on paper exactly as it had played out in my head, just like a movie. it was also something so early on in my days of loving eddie, and i really like how i somehow manage to characterize him so well. even before i explored his character in depth with the fic properly, before i got to explore willow and eddie's relationship in general, i seemingly had pictured this perfect snapshot that encapsulates both and stood the test of time and. gah. it feels weird giving myself that type of compliment but it's true.

this and also the library scene where he grabbed her ankle the first time. that's also a strong contender because that one still gives me butterflies. which is just... wild, considering i wrote it.

[ghost-of-you]

we just danced backwards into each other - ch - part 8

Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character.

Warnings: Swearing, mildly angsty vibes.

Word Count: 8k

Authors note: sorry this one took so long, i got stuck on a scene here and nothing i wrote about it was working, but finally got it and things started flowing a lot better, i actually already have a good chunk of the next part written, so hopefully ill update soon

Read it on AO3

Part 7 Part 9

Masterlist

_______

Lena smiles from her place on the floor when Calum greets her, fixing the last of the cables, before scrambling to her feet and out of the booth. She had asked him to meet her in the studio with little notice so even though he told her he'd be there, she's excited to see him.

“I had an idea,” she says, bouncing on her feet as she stops in front of him, looking up at him expectantly, making him chuckle.

"Okay?”

"You know how we agree that voice note is like, the best version of the song?" She asks, waiting for him to agree before continuing, "what if we did the song as a live take? I can clean it and mix it and if it sounds good we go with it, if it doesn’t we’ll try something else." 

“Sounds like a plan,” he nods and she grins at him. 

“So you’re in?”

“It’s your song,” he laughs and she frowns at him. 

“Come on, it’s ours,” she playfully shoves his shoulder making him chuckle, “I just thought that like this it would stay, you know, ours,” she shrugs, turning around to get her notebook in her backpack.

“Is that why we’re alone?” He asks, sounding confused as he sits in one of the chairs next to the board. 

“I am qualified, you know?" She shrugs, sitting next to him. It wasn't easy to get her team to allow this to happen, but she had worked as an engineer for herself on other tracks of the album, so there wasn't a real excuse to not let her do it for this one. "There's a catch though, they need to be on while we record," she says, pointing through the glass into the booth to the 2 cameras set up around the piano, "and if you don't want that we can figure something-" she trails off as he looks at her, an amused glint in his eyes.

“Are you nervous?” He teases and she looks at him in disbelief.

“Yeah? I only ever did this for myself, having someone else in the studio is intimidating."

“It’s just me,” he chuckles and she rolls her eyes. 

“Shut up, do you know how many number-one albums you have? Right now you’re not the boy who used to copy my math homework," she complains, running her hands through her hair and he laughs. 

"The boy who copied your math homework? That's all I am?"

"Oh, yeah, absolutely, just the kid that sat behind me." 

“Love,” he says, tilting his head and she can tell he can see she’s spiraling.

“I want this to work,” she tells him, glancing at the controls, before dropping her head, “I need this to work." 

"It's gonna work. Are you done setting up?" 

"Yeah," she nods, and he grabs her hand, pulling her up.

"Okay, come on," he says, moving them to the booth. 

“Sit down,” Calum says, patting the seat beside him and she narrows her eyes at him.

“Why?”

“I’m teaching you the song,” he says, reaching for her hand and pulling her towards him, and she rolls her eyes, sitting down.

“You know can’t play that.” 

“Nonsense.”

“I really can’t.”

“Just trust me.”

“Me trusting you doesn’t change the fact I can’t play the piano.”

"Can you hit a key on the right tempo?"

“I can’t make any guarantees,” she laughs, hitting some random notes just prove her point.

“I believe in you,” he teases, and she sighs, looking at her hands before looking back at him.

“Okay, let’s do this.”

Lena didn't plan on making that noise into the microphone. She didn't plan on making that noise at all. Given the way it had echoed through the arena, calling it a squeal didn't feel big enough. A shriek? A flat-out scream? All she knew is that every eye in the area around the stage and the soundboard was on her and Sylvia was looking at her fondly annoyed.

"Sorry, everyone," she apologized into the mic, making a point of keeping her voice as soft as she could through the excitement coursing through her veins, backing away from it at the same time she met Calum's questioning eyes as he moved closer to the stage from the floor. 

He'd been watching her soundcheck lately. It sometimes made her wonder if he knew her songs were all about feelings she had about him. When he'd ask her to sing a song she hadn't thought about in a while, the ones that are bubbly and fun and so painfully hopeful and that she was always surprised to find out he even knew. She'd always sing them though, fumbling through notes on the ones she hadn't played in a while just because it seemed to make him happy. 

It actually took a lot of effort for her not to just jump off the stage into his arms once he got close enough for her to do it. So she settled on sitting on the edge reaching a hand out for him and he had barely finished helping her down before she was throwing her arms around his neck.

"What happened?" He laughed, the hands he still had on her waist moving to wrap around her.

"I just got nominated for best new artist," she said, hiding her face in his neck and moving to step away from him but he kept his arm around her, locking her in place, smiling widely at her.

"Okay, that noise makes sense now," he teased and she pouted, "congratulations, love," he added.

"Thanks," she grinned, moving to hug him again before stepping back. This time he let her go but grabbed her hand dragging her with him around the arena before she could question what he was doing. Not that she thought really hard about questioning. She was done with soundcheck, and they needed to clear the area for the band's soundcheck with the fans anyway.

When he pushed a door open and pulled her inside a room, she was tempted to ask though. She didn't have to, he was pressing her against the door he'd just closed, lips finding hers before she even began to form a question. 

Lena would like to say she was used to what it felt like to kiss Calum. She would also be lying. But now she was allowed to kiss him, most times it was more soothing than dizzying. 

But then, sometimes, he'd surprise her like that and she'd forget that she needed oxygen. Hell, she'd forget her own name. His lips on hers and his hands digging into her waist and his hair under her fingers and the thundering noise her heart made were the only thing that existed. 

Calum was the one that pulled away. Maybe pulled away was an exaggeration. He was still very much in her space, forehead against hers as she gasped for the air he stole from around her.  

"I'll take it you're proud of me," she laughed, still feeling breathless.

"We're celebrating." 

"It's just a nomination," she giggled but he shook his head.

"It's your first nomination, love, we're celebrating." 

"When you say celebrating," she trailed off when he moved to kiss a path across her jaw and down her neck. 

"I mean, partying,” Calum said the words to her skin, hands sneaking under her shirt, “and then taking advantage of the way there's no show tomorrow and a hotel room with my name on it."

"I like the way you think, Hood,” she said, a little breathless, as his hands moved higher, “but you need to chill out because I'm not letting you fuck me in a supply closet in a venue," she pulled back, turning them so he would be the one against the door, but stepping back from him, and he smirks at her, a knowing look that made her cheeks burn, "that was one time! And it was an office, not a closet," she complained as he pulled her back to him with a laugh.

"Does it change anything?" He asked, lips pressed to her neck and she giggled.

"For starters, clean surfaces, and you know, a door that locked." 

"I'm pretty sure this door also locks," he chuckled, feeling around the door until the lock clicked.

"That's not the point." She got cut off when he kissed her again, more insistent this time and it was hard to think while his hands moved on her. "Nope, not happening, also you need to go to your soundcheck," she moved a hand to his chest, and he pouted at her as she felt around for the lock, “but I’ll make it up to you tonight,” she punctuated her words with a kiss to his cheek while she pushed the door open.

"Why did we never write together before?" Lena asks, turning to look at him. They've done a few takes and she thinks she has enough to work with, but the thought of moving away from the bench is incredibly unappealing. So she's stalling.

"We never talked about it," Calum shrugs and she pouts.

"Why?" 

"I don't know, why did you never bring it up?" 

"Because I was writing about you and I thought it would be awkward," she deadpans, startling a laugh out of him, "but hey, we're good together, the song is good, so like, why have we never done this before?" She asks again and he watches her for a second before answering.

"It just never seemed like a good moment to ask."

"Why?" 

"We never got around to it when we were in school and the only other time it could've happened was on tour and-" he cuts himself, making her frown.

"What?" 

"Honestly? I think it was gonna make us talk about what it all meant." 

"And that would definitely be awkward."

"But, if you're up for it, we can do it again, I know you write with Luke so, maybe," he shrugs and she smiles at him.

"Well, my album is done and from what Luke told me so is yours, so maybe we can revisit this conversation when we start working on the next one, or if any of us has an idea that could work," she offers and he nods.

"Deal."

"Okay, I'm pretty sure I have all I need, so we should get out of here," Lena says after a beat of silence, getting up from the bench.

"Wait, I got you something," Calum says, pulling a jewelry box from his pocket and she frowns at him.

"Why?" She asks, eyeing the box as she takes it.

"You keep reaching for your neck," he shrugs as she opens it and pulls the necklace there out so she could look at it. It's a little silver sun, the shape kind of looks like the one from Tangled and she smiles at how detailed the charm is for something so small.

"Why a sun?" She asks, still studying the charm, somewhat fascinated about the way the little gems in it catch the light when she moves it. 

"It made me think of you." The way he says it makes her focus shift to him, watching his face, unsure of how to feel. 

"Thank you," she breathes, still looking at him as he smiles at her, "can you?" She asks, handing him the necklace and turning around, moving her hair out of the way for him to put it on for her, smiling down at it before turning back to him.

"Does this mean I need to get you a moon or something like that now?" She laughs, reaching for his necklace hanging on the front of his shirt, her bracelet dangling next to it.

"I don't think we need to match every gift we get each other," he laughs, shaking his head and she scrunches her nose looking at him.

"Well, but you got me this because you don't want me to want the bass," she says and he shrugs.

"It's not like you can play the bass." 

"Yes, I can!" She protests and he frowns at her.

"Since when?" 

"My second album? I'm playing the bass in like, half the tracks."

"You are?" His face softens, sounding surprised and a little bit impressed and she huffs.

"Don't sound so surprised, I'm not as good as you are but it's not like I'm playing anything particularly elaborate." 

"When did you even?"

"It was during this wave of stuff I did while trying to distract myself after, the bass was adjacent enough to the guitar that I didn't absolutely suck at the first try so I stuck with it? But I tried a bunch of shit, I tried painting and playing random instruments, I went to a pottery class once, that sucked, calligraphy, crochet, knitting, sewing, it was crazy." 

"When did you even sleep?" 

"I had trouble sleeping while I was working on that album, so I was keeping occupied, it was better than tossing and turning, it made me feel productive," she shrugs, chewing on her bottom lip.

"Love," Calum starts, but he seems unsure of what to say and she shakes her head.

"Hey, you know how bad I am at sleeping, it's fine."

"You know, Andy told me you put yourself in the hospital back then, kinda hard to believe it was fine," he says, raising an eyebrow at her and she groans

"He makes that sound so much worse than it was."

"Did you pass out on campus?"

"Yeah."

"Did you spend the night at the hospital?"

"Yeah."

"Then I think it was bad, love," he chuckles and she rolls her eyes.

"It's not like I dropped in the middle of the street, I was in the health center."

"Not the defense you think it is.”

"Okay, it wasn't fine, but it wasn't as bad as it looked, that was just a bad week, and now I can play more instruments, I know I suck at crafting, and I'm decent at painting, it's fine," she says, motioning vaguely around her and he laughs.

"If you say so."

"I do say so, now let's go face the photographers that are definitely out there and just get out of here already." 

_______

Lena had somehow seen Calum every day for the past two weeks. Mostly not on purpose, the little encounters were never planned. They were also way too short, leaving her feeling the need to see more of him. They text every day too. Nothing like they used to when they were teens, when they would spend most of the day together in school and then text the rest of it because they somehow never ran out of things to say to each other, but still enough to make her wait for the notifications to come. 

If she decides to be completely honest about it, she doesn't like the feeling. And she doesn't like that she doesn't like it. She hates it, actually. She hates that she can't get out of her own head for long enough to just… relax. That her anxious brain keeps telling her overly excited heart to calm down. To back off. To stop doing this hopeful little dance every time her phone rings. But it's not like she can make it stop. Old habits die hard and all that. And apparently in all ways because she can't help her feelings any more than she can't stop fighting against them. Leaving her playing an exhausting game of tug of war with herself. 

She doesn’t even know what she’s overthinking, because she doesn't know what she wants from Calum. For a long time, she didn't really know anything when it came to him. And now she doesn't know what to believe, so she doesn't know how to feel. When he's right there it's easy for her not to think about all the bad things, it’s as easy as it always was. But then she's alone. And then she’s spiraling. 

"L, are you even listening?" Michael's voice came followed by a poke in her ribs, that made her squeak and drop her pen, before looking up from her homework to him, green eyes glowing with a familiar mischief that made her laugh.

"Sorry, what did Cal do? I wasn't paying attention," she asked, closing her notebook and leaning back into the chair, her elbow on Calum's desk, watching as Michael's grin got wilder as he leaned against the desk beside hers and Calum let out an exasperated groan.

"He has a date," he explained and Lena's eyes widened. She couldn't exactly say that was completely unexpected, he had talked about a girl he was interested in. Not to her all that much though, so she didn't know everything about the situation. But the information made her heart clench. 

"What?" She frowned, looking between the boys, Michael's eyes narrowing at her in the few seconds it took for her to realize she didn't sound teasing, she sounded hurt, "someone agreed to go out with you?" She quickly added, teasingly, trying to match the grin on Michael's face as she turned to Calum.

"Not you too," he said, rolling his eyes and she laughed.

"It's just surprising," she said, pressing her lips together while Michael let out a "Right?" that made her laugh.

"I hate you both," he said and she rolled her eyes.

"Don't act like you don't give me hell every time I ask someone out," Michael said, giving him an unimpressed look that made Lena giggle.

"You do fall in love like every other week, dude," she said but Michael shook his head.

"This isn't about me, it's about him," he pointed at Calum who dropped his head to his desk with a groan, but before anyone could say anything else, their teacher walked in, making Michael scramble to go sit. 

"You know we're just teasing, right?" She whispered, leaning her chin on her arm still on Calum's desk and he nodded at her, before leaning down to get his notebook and she turned forward, reopening hers, and staring blankly at the board, twirling a pen between her fingers.

Why did the thought of Calum on a date with someone make her upset? Both of them had spent years going on about how they were just friends. She shouldn't be upset about it. She loved Calum. She wanted him to be happy. 

Wait, she loved him. She loved him? Like loved loved him? She was aware she might have a slight crush on him, how could she not, but was she in love with him? Did the thought of him dating someone else made her feel like that because she wanted him to date her? 

"Oh shit," she mumbled under her breath at the same time the pen slipped from her fingers, startling her as it landed somewhere behind her. Her heart was picking up speed as she leaned to the side, looking around the floor for the lost pen and Calum leaned down too, grabbing it next to his foot, sitting up straight while she turned to him when he reached to hand it back to her.

"Thanks," she breathed, taking the pen back and feeling her heart go crazy in her chest when he grinned and winked at her as she was turning back.

So Lena doesn't know how they ended up here. She was on edge, the song was coming out, so she was stressed and this was the last time she was gonna see Calum for who even knows how long because the band was leaving for promo the next day and she was doing promo for their single alone and she's so unbelievably anxious about it, it's making her more sensitive. She knows that. But now she's moving around the building, with Calum trailing behind her, trying to get her to talk to him. It's not his fault, the comment about them being back together was innocent enough, the issue wasn't the comment, but the way Calum turned to look at her, a flash of guilt on his face, that put her right back in that dressing room.

So she doesn't want to talk to him, because she will say something stupid and she knows it's not his fault so it will just be creating an unnecessary fight. 

But he's not letting her get away from him.

"I don't want to talk about it, Calum," she tells him again, this time stopping to turn to look at him.

"But you need-"

"No, I don't," she interrupts him, and he frowns.

"Lena."

"When you start talking about it I stop seeing my best friend and I start seeing the guy who walked out on me," she says, taking a step back away from him and he gives her a helpless look, "and I don't want to think about that anymore."

"Doesn't seem like you can stop," he all but rolls his eyes and she groans.

"What? You think that knowing how you felt during that is gonna change anything?"

"Come on, that tour was hell."

"I know, I was there," she does roll her eyes and the frown on his face deepens.

"I was doing what I could."

"And I was trailing behind," she motions vaguely around her, "I know what went down, and I know how you felt because I knew you, but it doesn't matter."

"No, you just think you know," he challenges, stepping closer to her and she huffs.

"Yeah, well, I don't need a detailed explanation on exactly how not enough for you I am." 

Lena regrets the words before she finishes saying them. Before Calum steps back away from her like she shoved him. Before the hurt look in his eyes makes her freeze. 

But it really kills her as she stays rooted in place watching him walk away from her.

________________

"Andy?" Lena knocks on the door to his room, even though it's the middle of the night, after hearing the telltale sounds of whatever game he's into now that shows her that he's still up.

"Are you finally ready to tell me why you're spiraling?" Andy calls from inside the room and she frowns as she takes that as an invitation to go in.  

"Come on," she complains, sitting on the edge of his bed as he turns around in his chair and rolls himself closer to the bed.

"What? You've been like this for weeks,” he says, stopping in front of her, “and you haven't talked to me all day, just tell me maybe I can help."

"I don't know how to explain it," she runs a hand through her hair, dropping back.

"Voice your thoughts, I'm really good at translating you."

"It's…" She trails off, fidgeting with the necklace Calum gave her, fighting to get the words out.

"Le, babe, I promise you, anything that leaves you this stressed it's not stupid," he says, a comforting hand on her knee and she pushes herself up leaning on her elbows so she could look at him.

"It's just…" 

"Words, Lena."

"I'm stressed about Calum," she blurts out and he huffs.

"Now tell me the part I don't know."

"I… it's just I can't stop thinking," she says, sitting up and he nods.

"About?"

"He said he's winning me back, and I was enjoying the effort."

"But?"

"When I left,” she pauses when he gives her a pointed look, “when I ran, I said I was done, but I didn't turn it all off, you know? I couldn't. But I also couldn't keep feeling like it was always gonna be like that, all the pining. No, not pining, pining it's too calm, too calm for whatever we had going. I was burning and I was drowning and I was tired, but I still loved him, I still wanted it."

"Okay."

“And I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened between us because I still do, you know? I still love him, and I want it so badly. I want things to work out, I want the stupid story of us finding a way back, I'd be lying if I say I don't, but I’m also scared." 

"Of?" Andy asks after she doesn't continue and she sighs.

"That he doesn't really want me. That he’s just enjoying the chase, and there's too much fucked up shit in the middle for us to ever be okay again and when we agreed on the whole thing, I said he can't kiss me."

"Yeah."

"Because he has this effect that gives me tunnel vision and makes me only see what he wants," she trails off, fidgeting with the edge of her shirt and he chuckles.

"Oh, I know, but you're spiraling, why exactly?" He asks and she looks at him, chewing on her bottom lip while she contemplates how to say it.

"I'm scared I'm the one who's just enjoying the chase," she admits and he frowns, tilting his head to the side.

"What do you mean?"

"All I ever wanted was for him to try, and he's trying, I basically forced the man to take me out so I could see what it would be like." 

"Didn't he say he wanted to fix things?"

"Yeah, but what if we're beyond fixing?"

"L, wait," Michael said, turning the car off when she reached for her shoes, and she sighed, unbuckling the seatbelt. Lena was feeling hazy, definitely still drunk, but the cool night air had cleared her head enough to know what Michael was going to say.

"Mike, please don't," she pleaded, mechanically putting her shoes on as she avoided the way she could feel his eyes on her. 

"What?

"Defend him," she sighed, finally turning to look at him. He had a very familiar look on his face. The ride-or-die type look that let everyone know that he'd take Calum's side no matter what. Michael had perfected it over the years but it always had the I-need-to-stand-by-him glint that she found staring back at her.

"But you gotta know," he started, but she shook her head. 

"I respect that you wanna do something, I do, but don't do it."

"But he's," he tried again but she interrupted him again. 

"Look, I don't wanna know that you think he looks miserable without me, or however the hell you were about to put it. Did he tell you that? Did he even tell you what happened between us? Or did he just say we had a fight and told you to drop it?"

"He didn't, but I know he is, he really fucking misses you, L," he tried to argue and Lena wanted to believe him. Desperately. But she couldn't.

"Look, dude, I gotta work with what I know. The facts here are he walked out on me and that he hasn't tried to talk to me since then, so anything else is not enough," she shrugged and he gave her a disbelief look.

"So you just got in a screaming match at a party over not enough?"

"Yeah, and he still had nothing to say."

"You know how he can get."

"Oh, I do," she said, rolling her eyes but Michael kept talking.

"And you always forgive him."

"It fucking sucks that I have to," she complained, running a hand through her hair.

"You're not exactly perfect either, L," he said, raising an eyebrow at her and she frowned at him.

"Never said I was, but this one is on him, it's only on him, it's why he doesn't have the guts to try to fix it."

"What the fuck did he do?" He asked and she groaned.

"I don't wanna talk to you about it, Michael."

"I'm your friend too, Lena," he matched her tone, rolling his eyes at her and she sighed.

"But you would let him get away with anything."

"So would you."

"I can't do it this time, he really hurt me, okay? It wasn't some stupid argument that we both knew wasn't gonna last, he knew the choice he was making and he did it anyway and I'm allowed to be mad at him," she said, looking down, twisting her hands in her lap.

"I'm not saying you're not allowed to be mad, I'm saying you're both miserable without each other, so why are you dragging this out?" He asked and it made her pout. 

"Who said I'm miserable?" Lena complained, glancing at him and she probably wasn't helping her point if the way Michael raised an eyebrow at her was any indication.

"Your face."

"That's-"

"We both know you're still in love with him," he said and her eyes widened as her head snapped up and she turned to look at him.

"Who said I'm in love with him?" She tried but Michael scoffed.

"Don't act like I don't know you, you've been in love with him since we were in school, it's painfully obvious."

"I… You knew? Since when?" 

"Since he left for that football camp, you were a basketcase while he was gone." 

"It wasn't that bad."

"Oh, it was worse, I thought you would tell him back then."

"I did," she said, holding Michael's gaze as his face turned into shock. She could see it in the way his eyes went from wide to narrowing on her face that he was combing through his memories trying to figure out when it could've happened. And she didn't want him to ask, "well, it doesn't matter anymore."

"Now you're just being stubborn."

"So?"

"Talk to him, do something other than sitting around since you’re both miserable and this can’t keep going-"

"Mike!” she screeched, interrupting him, "He dumped me, he doesn't love me and I can't make him love me so I can't fix it."

"What do you mean he doesn't love you? Of course he loves you," he was looking at her like she was crazy for even suggesting that and it made her want to disappear into the leather seats. 

"His words okay?" Her voice was small and Michael looked so confused by it that she felt on the verge of tears, "so now I'm just the idiot that’s been in love with him since middle school."

"L," Michael's voice was soft now, and he was watching her carefully, eyes scanning her face as she continued to talk.

"Being away from him is killing me, but I can't. I can’t move on from him if he's still around, and I can't fix us so I can't talk to him."

"Why?"

"Because if I'm not mad at him, then I'm breaking and I can't take it anymore." She paused, blinking back tears, "thank you for the ride, Mike, I know I'm not much company right now but I did miss you and I appreciate it."

"Lena."

"I'll see you around," She said, patting his knee before slipping out of the car. She was surprised to hear his door slamming after hers.

"Lena," Michael's voice was insistent and it made her stop on the sidewalk watching as he walked around the car.

"Yeah?" She asked, frowning at him as he scanned her face. 

"Just come here," he said, pulling her to his chest, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and she wrapped her arms around his waist on instinct. She missed Michael, that wasn't a lie, they may not be as close to each other as they were to Calum, but he was a constant enough presence in her life to add to the emptiness Calum had left behind. But the way she just relaxed against him was disarming, "sorry I haven't checked in," he said to her hair and she huffed out a chuckle, stepping back from him.

"It's fine, I knew he would get you in the divorce."

"You don't have to tell me what he did, but how bad was it?" 

"How many times have you seen me trying to get away from him?" She asked because she didn't think she could talk about it without crying. She wasn't sure she wouldn't start crying anyway.

"Point taken." 

"Look, I can't talk about it because I can't think about it because I don't want to believe it happened, I thought we were more than we actually were and that's on me but he was just," she stopped, sniffing through the tears that were falling without her permission, "there were kinder ways to do what he did and I can't move past it."

"Sorry I pushed it." 

"It's fine, you know how stubborn we both can get, you had no way of knowing this wasn't just us being stubborn."

"For whatever is worth, I do think he regrets it."

"Well, he's the one that needs to do something about it,’ she shrugged and Michael gave her a sad smile, "sorry you got caught in the middle." 

"I'm your friend too, you know?"

"Do you feel that way?" 

"I don’t know, I'm not known for making good decisions when he's involved. So I freaked out and I picked a fight with him because he was about to leave. And I know it’s just a few days but at the same time I couldn’t deal with the way I need him around and he’s all the way across the world now and I don’t know what to do, because,” she sniffs, looking up to try and stop the tears she can feel forming in her eyes, “what if this is just going to explode in our faces again and I'm dragging it out because of a memory of a feeling?"

"Is it just a memory?"

"What?"

"When you think about it, are you just trying to find the way he made you feel again, or are you just trying to find a way to feel what you feel for him without letting it destroy you?" Andy asks and she blinks at him, taken aback for a second.

"That was deep, we should write that down," she jokes because she doesn't know how to answer.

"I'm serious, I've picked you up from the floor over him for years now and it's alright if you don't want him anymore, but it's also okay for you to want him but only after you're sure you're not setting yourself up for failure."

"What are you saying?"

"That it's okay if you need safety before giving in and that doesn't mean you're using him, it just means you're hurt and want to know what you're falling into."

“But I feel like-”

"Look, I've watched you try to contain the way you feel about him for as long as I've known you, you keep fighting against it or trying to make it something that won't scare him away, and that never worked," he says, tilting his head, and she sighs.

"It's just that, I don't know how to stop and I keep thinking about-"

“Le, the more you overthink this the more you’ll have to overthink and you’re gonna go nowhere.”

“But-”

“You’re not gonna find the answer trapping yourself in your head, you can’t change what happened and you can’t predict what’s going to, you just need to find out if you’re willing to trust he won't hurt you again,” he says and she drops back, throwing her arms across her face.

“But what if I can’t trust myself? I don’t want to hurt him either and right now I don’t think I can help it and his face when he walked away from me, I-”

“Lena," he says, and she feels the mattress dip when he sits beside her, moving her arms from her face so she would have to look at him, "if whatever you said makes him stop trying then you guys are going nowhere anyway.”

"What do I do then?" She asks, throwing her arms over her head and he huffs, poking her side.

“You stop hiding and you call him."

“Call him? I can’t call him,” she squirms away from his hand, looking at him like he's crazy for suggesting that, and he gives her an unimpressed look.

“Knowing you, you won’t be able to do anything until you find out if you pushed him too far. Did you even sleep last night?"

“But I have to, I can’t need him, And.”

“You also can’t change the fact that you already do. You've been fighting it for years, Le." His voice is sympathetic and she feels herself start to tear up as she meets his eyes. “Just call him."

_________

The periodic buzzing is not what makes Calum raise his head. What makes him raise his head is how he can feel Luke's eyes on him every time the damn phone does buzz. So when it happens again he meets Luke's careful gaze with a questioning look.

"That's Lena." It's not a question. But Luke nods anyway. Lena hadn't talked to him since the fight and he was following her lead with it. If she wants space he'll give it to her. It's actually easier than he expected with half a world between them and unaligned timezones. At least that's what he keeps telling himself.

"She wants me to let her know when we're back at the hotel." They only have another interview in their schedule, the one they are currently waiting for, so it shouldn't be long, but why would Lena ask? And what else did she say that got Luke watching him like that?

"Okay, what does this have to do with me?" He asks, raising an eyebrow and Luke frowns at him.

"Did you get into a fight or something?" 

"Or something."

"Do you want me not to tell her?" Luke puts his phone down, a silent we can talk about it if you want, but he shakes his head.

"No, it's okay." 

"You sure?" He checks, but Calum doesn't get a chance to answer, because they are being called to the studio and he can't keep thinking about it.

Maybe she's ready to try to talk to him. If she's even asking because she wants to know when he can answer. He tries to ignore that line of thought until they’ve been back at the hotel for at least half an hour and there’s no call. 

But then his phone lights up with a very familiar picture of Lena and him.

"Hello?"

"Hi," Lena sounds anxious, he can hear it in her breathing and something about it makes him do the math in his head about what time it's for her.

"Lena, where are you?" He can imagine the way she's frowning just by the confused little gasp she lets out. 

"Home, where else would I be?" 

"Isn't it, like, 3 am for you?" 

"Time is fake," she mumbles, and he hears fabric ruffling in the background, so maybe she is in bed. Not that the thought makes him worry less.

"Sure," he frowns and she sighs.

"I couldn't sleep, I needed to apologize." 

"Okay." 

"Because I am sorry, I… I don't have an excuse, I'm just sorry." 

"Lena," he says, more to buy himself time to think of the right thing to say than anything else but the sharp intake of breath he hears makes him regret it.

"You don't have to say anything, it's fine, I just wanted to say it, we can talk when you get back. Or whenever you want. Shit, you know, I shouldn't have called, I'm sorry." Her voice is wobbly and it sounds like she’s about to hang up.

"Lena, wait."  

"I can't." 

"Why not?"

"Because I'm about to start crying and then you'll feel the need to make me feel better and this becomes about me and that's not why I called." 

"Then why did you call?" He asks, and she sniffs, before taking a deep breath as if she’s trying to calm herself down.

"Can I claim temporary insanity? Sleep deprivation? I don't know, okay? I thought talking to you would make me feel better but that's not on your job so I shouldn't-"

"Lena, can you just listen to me for once in your life?"

"Yeah?" 

"You seriously think I'm about to let you cry yourself to sleep?" 

"I'm not crying," she tells him and he huffs.

"I can hear you crying." 

"I'm just tired and It doesn't-"

"Of course it matters." 

"Why?" 

"Because I fucking care about you. That doesn't stop being true just because we got into a fight." 

"I know that, it's just-"

"Do you? Know it? It doesn't seem like you do," 

"Can I be honest?"

"Please," Calum breathes, waiting for a tense second as she doesn't say anything.

"I talk myself out of it."

"Of trusting me?" He asks, frowning and he can hear the fabric ruffling as she probably shakes her head.

"No, of expecting you to be there." That one stings. He knows he can't blame her for it, it's his own fault, but hearing her saying it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Why?" 

"Because I can't need you to be there! For fucks sake we get into one fight and I'm losing my mind? I've been feeling like I can't breathe and I can't do this again." 

"Do what?" 

"Lose you, Calum, I can't lose you again, but I can't keep feeling this way either I can't focus I can't sleep I feel like a bitch then I just lose my fucking mind and can’t feel this way I can’t need you-" Not for the first time since he last saw her, he catches himself wishing he wasn't halfway across the world, but this time is because the way she's talking, fast and without pauses, makes him think she's about to talk herself into a panic he can't talk her out of over the phone.

"Love, love, breathe," he interrupts, and she takes a few sharp breaths before talking again.

"See, I shouldn't have called, you're allowed to be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you."

"Why not? You should." 

"Why?"

"Because I was a bitch to you."

"It was a fight, and it wasn't even that bad."

"You sounded mad at me when you answered the phone."

"You apologized, we can talk about it when I get back, but I'm not mad, so you should go to sleep and I'll see you in a few days." 

"Unfortunately I wasn't exaggerating when I said I can't sleep, I've been tossing and turning for hours."

"You want me to talk to you until you fall asleep?"

The way Lena was slowly blinking and how her reactions were delayed was just as funny as it was adorable even in the dimly lit room. It made the story Calum was telling seem way more entertaining than it actually was, with the way she was trying to keep up while stifling yawns and rubbing her eyes to get him to keep talking. 

"Love?" Calum asked when she dropped her head back against the headboard of his bed and it took a few seconds for her to look at him, "do you want me to drive you back to your dorm?" She should've left already since she had classes the next day, so maybe he should just let her leave this time. She looked like she would fall asleep in the car though. And her car was at his place. The logistics of it all weren't good. 

"Not yet, we're talking," she mumbled, shifting her whole body while sitting up. 

"No, I'm talking, you're legally drunk," he joked, making her pout. 

"'m not," she complained, stretching out like a cat and sighing, "how are you not tired?" 

"Jetlag," he shrugged and she blinked at him before nodding, staring at him with one eye closed. 

"Well, then we keep talking." 

"I keep talking, you keep looking at me like you're seeing a giant pillow.”

"You do make a great pillow," she said, looking at him like she was contemplating the possibility, or maybe just thinking about the times she fell asleep on him, making him laugh. "Have you ever been so tired you just don't know how to sleep?" She asked, running a hand through her hair and dropping her head back.

"No,” he chuckled, shaking his head, “and you're trying to stay awake," he pointed out, bopping her nose and she smiled sheepishly at him.

"Yes, but I don't think I would fall asleep that easily right now." He seriously doubted that. He was actually sure she would be out in seconds if she just stopped moving.

"What time do your classes start tomorrow?" He asked, checking the old alarm clock on the table. Technically he should've said today. It was past 1 am. Maybe he shouldn't keep her awake that long on a weekday.

"Not until the afternoon," she said, sliding down and hugging the pillow under her head.

"You wanna stay over? We can continue this conversation in the morning when I know you'll remember what I'm telling you.”

"Does that mean you won't be mad if I fall asleep?" 

"Do you want to sleep?"

"I just told you don't know how," she laughed, settling more heavily against the pillow and rubbing her eye.

"Alright, come here," he said, scooting down and opening his arms and she shuffled around before settling with her head on his shoulder and an arm across his chest.

"I missed you," she mumbled, closing her eyes and he started to absentmindedly run his fingers through her hair.

"Yeah, me too,” he said, leaning his cheek against her head, “now go to sleep." 

"I can't fall asleep on command like you do, just keep telling me the story, what happened after Mike said that?"

"So you were listening?"

"Always, now talk," she said, shifting around a bit and he continued to tell the story, running his hand through her hair. It only took a few minutes for her to stop reacting to it and for her breathing to even out. That wasn’t the surprising part. The surprising part was how he fell asleep a few minutes later too.

"You don't have to," Lena says, voice small and he chuckles.

"I'm not asking if I have to, I'm asking if you want me to." There's a pause that's long enough for him to question if it was the right thing to say, before she sighs.

"Yeah."

"Are you comfortable?"

"As comfortable as I can get," she says after some shuffling and he settles in bed too.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know, just tell me about the trip." So he does. With as many details as he can. About the place. The people. The joke Luke told in the van that morning. The restaurant they had lunch in. It makes him think about when he first moved and the rare occasions when their schedule managed to align enough for him to call and Lena would make him tell her everything about everywhere he had been. He talks while listening as Lena shifts around in her bed or lets out little reactions to what he's saying like huffed-out laughs or curious mumbling about what happened next until the shuffling stops and her breathing evens out. He stays on the line for a few more minutes, making sure she's really asleep then a few more because now he doesn't want to hang up. He considers how he could say anything to her right now. He could tell her he misses her. Make some promise about not hurting her again that she wouldn't believe in and he's not sure he can keep. Or a promise about always trying anyway that he really hopes he can. He doesn't say anything though. He just listens to her steady breathing until he can't justify staying on the line anymore.

_______

I don’t have a taglist but hit me up if you want to be tagged.

[clericofshadows]

I’ve written over 6K words of a hurt/comfort, angsty, grief/morning monster of a zaeed/kaidan fic that takes place after the events of the ME2 prologue and right after take me back to eden and there’s still no end in sight...

not that I’m like, complaining, but damn, I really wanted to work on my regis/kaidan version of the UNC hostages mission with the L2 biotics but I guess this is where I’m at lol

anyway here’s a snippet of what I’m working on:

Kaidan shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. She and I've never been close, but that's mostly due to Regis."

"He was very tight-lipped about his childhood. Not great?"

"He never wanted to be a spacer kid."

"And he joined the Alliance anyway?"

"He did, but he did it on his own terms."  And because I was there to do it with him.

Zaeed chuckled. "I can see that." He crossed his arms against his chest, giving Kaidan a calculated look. "What is it you aren't telling me about him and space?"

Shit. 

Kaidan tossed his shirt on the bed, mingling with Zaeed's clothing. "The last thing Regis wanted was to die in space."

Zaeed widened his eyes. "Fuck."

"And I listened to it," Kaidan admitted, sitting back down on the bed. "I heard every last word, every breath he struggled to take, every plea he had for him to somehow not die in space."

“Wait, you heard him get spaced?  What really happened?”  Zaeed sat down next to him.

“We were hit by an attack from some kind of unknown ship.  Ripped us to shreds damn near instantly.  He ordered me to get off the ship while he grabbed our pilot.  He was able to get our pilot out, but not himself,” Kaidan summarized.  “Regis wasn’t going to leave anyone behind, but I knew all the details of his ‘disaster’ plans, and our pilot disobeyed his orders.”

“How so?”

“Regis was a bit of a pilot himself, at least, when it came to smaller ships and shuttles.  There’s a story I should tell you about the time when he was a teenager and stole a shuttle off his mother’s ship to get to Earth.” Kaidan cleared his throat.  “Anyway, Regis recognized when a situation couldn’t be helped, and wanted our pilot to get himself out alive because there were moments that no good piloting could save a ship.”

And the space above Alchera was one of them.

“Feel free to blast me across the room for even asking this, but do you blame ‘the pilot’ for not abandoning the goddamn ship when he had the chance?” Zaeed asked.

Kaidan laughed mirthlessly. "You read me too well."

"Part of the job. You don't have to answer."  That’s answer enough, was left unsaid.

"No, I might as well tell someone else," Kaidan sighed. "We exchanged some heated words after the fact once we were all 'settled' back on the nearest Alliance station."

"What the hell happened, Joker? Why wasn't he with you?"

"There was another blast right when he got me in the shuttle."

"Did Regis have to drag your ass in the pod?  You knew he was going to come for you!"

Ashley came up behind him. "Kaidan—"

"Don't 'Kaidan' me!  He knew what the fucking plans were and still stayed put!  I don't care what you have to say Joker, Regis—"

"My piloting ensured as many of you could get the hell off the ship!  I know that Regis died while saving me, but don't go blaming me for something that I couldn't have controlled!"

"Couldn't have controlled?  No, you just couldn't stand being wrong about anything involving the Normandy!  But it doesn't matter anymore, now does it?  You might've saved the ship a few precious seconds but Regis didn't get any!"

Ashley stepped between them, interrupting whatever Joker was going to say next. "This is not the time to be fighting!  God, it's a terrible day when I'm the fucking mediator. Joker, you knew what the orders were. Both of you, walk away before things get more ruined than they already are."

"You aren't going to call out Alenko for prioritizing his boyfriend over the rest of the crew?" 

Kaidan felt his biotic corona roar to life. "Go fuck yourself Joker, and remember that Regis died for you!  He was never going to leave anyone behind!  And he chose you."

Zaeed listened to the story, never betraying anything with his expression about his own thoughts and feelings on the matter. 

"We haven't talked since, not even during the damn funeral.  All I've heard is that he's grounded now, and with his record, I'm not sure if he'll fly anything like the Normandy ever again," Kaidan finished. "I'm not proud of how I reacted, but I'm not yet ready to apologize for anything that I said."

"No need to defend yourself to me, but it sounds like you at least have a good friend there in that Ashley."

He nodded. "She tore me a new one, and I don't blame her for it. But I had to know."

"Regis once told me he felt like he finally found himself a home on that ship," Zaeed said after a short moment of silence. "Even if he did bitch about some of the crew."

"Like who?"

"That pilot you were talking about. Some of the younger Marines.  The asari you rescued," Zaeed listed off. "But he seemed to like everyone for the most part. Would've loved to see him in his element.  God, I should've brought out the goddamn whiskey for this talk."

Same group Regis would always complain to him about. Kaidan hadn't thought about T'soni since the Saren mission, not really caring where she went after the battle of the Citadel. 

Regis prioritized her mission last, and he never really formed a bond with her in the same way with all the other crew members and ground teams on the ship. He saw her as a liability, and openly refused to let her meld with him. 

Honestly, Kaidan wouldn't have allowed it either if it were him in that situation. It still shocked him that Regis let Shiala in, but that was far more dire in comparison.  Especially since Regis was able to supply enough detail for T'soni to figure out where the Conduit lied purely from his descriptions. 

"There's still time."

"Nah, even I can admit that would've made things worse right now. It's too damn fragile right now."

To hell with it.

Kaidan leaned in and claimed Zaeed's mouth with his own, pressing in against him and making him fall back on the bed. Warm skin rubbing against each other, feeling every inch of the man underneath. 

A feeling he's yearned for again for too long. 

Zaeed made a pleased noise, one hand grasped in Kaidan's curls, the other slowly teasing down his front.  Kaidan joined his hand on top of Zaeed's, guiding him down to his zipper as he started to kiss down his neck. 

"Anything changed since our last encounter?" Zaeed asked, pressing lightly against his hardening cock. 

"No, not really," Kaidan said, hovering next to his ear. "But I've taken to an even greater liking to being in charge."

"That doesn't surprise me.  Want to order me around, be in control?" Zaeed chuckled, but his expression was serious. 

Kaidan pulled back slightly so he could face him. "No, not today." He maneuvered himself so that he was leaning against the pillows, switching their positions for the moment. 

It would be so easy to say yes, to claim and that semblance of control he so desperately wanted to have right now. 

But not yet. Not when things felt so delicate between them. 

Not when the ghost of Regis still lingered.

[rchtoziers]

reddie + 56 👀👀👀

56. “Don’t you dare die on me!”

gene i see what you are doing... i see it.... i refuse i refuse the angst i simply cannot today. if i had written this yesterday then it would have been different but. no angst for me or you today. on god we’re gonna let these boys be HAPPY bro

*

They’re giggly, stupid drunk in a way that Eddie can’t remember being since he was at least in his twenties. He knows he’s likely going to regret it in the morning, that he’s going to wake up with a headache and a taste of death in his mouth and that he’s going to be nursing this hangover for the better part of a week, but right now he’s reasoning that it can’t be that bad. It can’t be.

Not when he gets to wake up next to Richie fucking Tozier tomorrow morning.

That makes all his mornings better, anyway.

Richie is a clumsy drunk and it’s only worse with the fact that Eddie can’t support either of them himself. It leads to them stumbling down the sidewalk and giggling each time they bump elbows or knees or, once, when Richie’s chin bumps hard against Eddie’s nose. It leads to once or twice or three times that they stumble so hard, Richie uses it as an excuse to lead Eddie backwards a few more steps until they’re both pressed against the wall of whatever building they were passing. Eddie’s always laughing too hard for anything to come of it, but it doesn’t matter. He’s drunk and he’s happy and Richie is drunk and happy and that’s what matters.

“Stop, stop!” Eddie laughs, the next time Richie tries to get him against a wall and kiss his neck. “You’re gonna push me down a stairwell one of these times and then I’m gonna, fuck, I’m gonna bash my head in on the concrete and bleed to death because you’re too fucking—Rich, stop!—too fucking drunk to save my life!”

Richie pulls away when Eddie swats at him again, still laughing. There’s a stripe where Richie had licked on Eddie’s neck. “I’d still save your life!” he protests, but his argument feels weak thanks to the lopsided grin on his face. “I could be your knight in shining armor!”

“Jester in tin foil,” Eddie says back. Richie groans and presses a bruising kiss to Eddie’s mouth in response.

“Very upsetting that you don’t think I could save your life,” Richie says, breathless, when he finally pulls away. “I think you’d be surprised. Maybe I’m CPR certified. Maybe I have the AHA card to prove it and everything.”

Eddie sighs dramatically. “You’re the reason I’m going to die,” he insists.

Richie’s thumb brushes against Eddie’s jawline, then his cheekbone, then the curve of his lip. Richie’s eyes never look away. “Listen to me, you little turd,” Richie says. He pinches a section of Eddie’s cheek and grins when Eddie squawks. Both of his hands come up to cup Eddie’s face. “Listen. ‘Cause this is the most serious shit I’m ever gonna say, okay?”

“If you propose to me right now—” Eddie warns.

“Shut up,” Richie laughs. “Are you even listening to me?”

Eddie’s gaze softens. “Baby, I’m literally always fucking listening to you. Couldn’t get me to stop.”

Richie’s responding grin is bright and beautiful. “Good. Listen,” he says again. Eddie can feel the deep breath that Richie takes. “I love you, right? That’s not news. But I love you. So you can’t die on me, like, ever.”

“I’m gonna die some day, Richie,” Eddie reminds him.

“Don’t you dare die on me,” Richie insists. “Ever. I’m fucking serious, Eddie, you are not allowed. I’m going first, end of the story. Or we’re both gonna be immortal. I bet we could find a way.”

Eddie presses up on his toes to kiss Richie. He grabs a fistful of Richie’s sweater with both of his hands and tugs him closer. He doesn’t even care that they’re in public and that they’re against a dirty building and that it’s not late enough that the streets of New York are empty. He doesn’t care that they just came from a stupid work party where Eddie didn’t win an award and they had no choice but to get drunk on shitty champagne. He doesn’t care about anything except for kissing Richie, and kissing Richie for as long as fucking possible for the rest of their lives. Hell, for the rest of eternity, apparently.

Richie’s the only fucking thing that he cares about.

“We’ll find a way,” he agrees, and maybe it’s the alcohol speaking or maybe it’s just Richie’s obnoxious and unwavering optimism, but Eddie kind of believes it. They could find a way. Even if they don’t, they’ll be together for the rest of their lives.

There’s no question about that.

[staygolddindjarin]

Grief

Chapter One: History

Din Djarin x Reader x a bunch of other star wars characters

Series Summary: Raised on Mandalore, born into a bloodline of warriors, no one ever expected for the daughter of a Clan leader to go rogue. Leaving the life of security and making the journey to fight in the war against the empire meant many things... giving up the way of the Mandalore, and giving up a solid future. A future that involves an arranged marriage to a foundling from another clan.

Chapter Warnings: Oof this ones kinda angsty right off the bat- ⚠️ attempted suicide?? Kinda?? Age gap (reader is underage, but don't worry it's just for the sake of backstory and also there's no spicy, so...) mentions of death and afterlife, fluff if you like squint really hard

A/n: hello there... I'm sorry to inflict tumblr with this atrocity, but wattpad had to deal with it so tumblr can too. I wrote a different version of this on my wp with an OC name, but I know that not everyone cares for that so this won't include that. Also this series will be such a slow burn... prepare yourself ahead of time because it's going to be agonizing

Words: 6.3k+

SERIES MASTERLIST UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Part 1/?

"Pehea gar mar'eyir ni...."

How did you find me....

He came and sat beside me, the sound of metal scraping agaisnt the ground when he knelt first.

"Gar cuyir te shi solus tion'ad comes olar jii.  Ni kar'taylir gar jate'shya gar mirdir Ni vaabir," He responded.

You are the only one who comes here now. I know you better than you think I do.

I heaved a deep breath before letting it out in an exhausted sigh. Speaking in my native tongue was something I always appreciated, but now sitting here it felt nearly uncomfortable, but there was a reason for that.

"I wanted to be alone," The words from my mouth were no longer in my language, and he shifted beside me, trying to convey his confusion without a word.

"Care to elaborate?" He suggested, his asking tone was harsh... but then so was everything else about him.

I didn't really feel like explaning my feelings at the moment. I didn't want to focus on the very thing he was asking about. Even though he wasn't absolutely sure of what he was asking.

"You wouldn't understand if I told you," I trailed off.

"Try me." His voice wasn't any softer, but the sincerity he rarely showed had seeped into his tone.

"I really don't think it's a good idea. You really won't understand, and for all I know you could make things worse off for me than they already are," I didn't like it when he let his guard down around me. I didn't like getting closer to him, even though I was supposed to.

"I can't force you. Whatever it is, I wouldn't get myself too worked up," He sounded hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to believe it was by my words. He was too strong to be wounded by such trivial things.

He moved in his seat, beginning to stand, and for some reason the thought of being alone like I had originally intended seemed like a horrible idea.

I reached out to grip his arm. I kept my gaze forward, knowing that even if I looked at him I could not see his eyes.

"Stay."

He didn't hesitate. He sat down again, and I no longer felt guilt for the hurt in his voice a moment prior.

We sat for a moment in silence, just looking over the cliffside, into the deep canyons that wove in between settlements and encampments of our tribes and clans.

"I don't want this life," I whispered. I had only half hoped he would be paying enough attention to hear me. My voice was soft enough that he might not have.

"What do you mean?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, regretting the choice to even say what I did. I felt a shiver go down my arms, and I felt the wind come into the old open cavern, making the air around me chill. My arms were exposed, for I didn't expect the cold tonight. I didn't expect to be here this long.

"I'll turn sixteen in four days. I will either take the creed, or deny everything I've ever been taught. I'd leave if I do that," I finally gave a glance in his direction. He looked back at me, or at least the beskar did. I could never tell where his eyes were.

"You want to leave?" That pained tone of his voice had returned. The one I felt guilty for without actually believing I had done anything to cause it.

I did. I wanted to get off this planet. Away from the responsibility of becoming what everyone expected of me.

"I have to. It's the only way I will ever be at peace, but I'm not sure if I truly have the strength to stand in front of my family and deny the creed."

I could run away. I had some friends who were planning to jump a transport and join the rebellion against the empire.

They had offered me to be apart of this, but I had refused, believing that I would follow in my ancestors footsteps and take the creed. My father had already provided the beskar for my helmet to be made. It was already in the armourer's possession. All that was left was for me to come of age.

"Where did you go, just now?" He noticed my lack of attentiveness to my current reality, and brought me back to where I was. On the drafty cliffside, with my legs hanging over the end.

"Nowhere. I was just thinking about the future," I had admitted. Though I felt the need to stay emotionally distant from him, and not let myself develop a closeness, I knew I could trust him with my life, which is why I even revealed these things to him in the first place.

"What do you think your future will look like?" The tone that brought me guilt had again left his voice, but was replaced by something else... was it fear? I could not even think of theorizing that he could ever be scared. He was one of the bravest in his clan. Never had he shown an ounce of fear to anyone or anything. How stupid of me to even wonder.

"Merc and his crew are gonna stow away on a crate transport tomorrow. He has contact with the rebellion. He said that I could go with them if I was up for it," I looked down, almost embarrassed at admitting a plan of escape to someone so loyal to this place. Even though he wasn't born on this planet, and even though he wasn't a blood member of any tribe, the foundling was more of a mandalorian than I could ever be.

"You've agreed?"

"No. Not yet," I shook my head. I didn't feel like my reasons were valid. Having him sit beside me, and ask me these things made me realize that I needed to explain myself further.

"Din, I want to be free. I don't want to spend the rest of my life under a code that is so restricting to me, binding my every decision. Everything I'd do would have to be following after the creed."

He didn't respond, and even though his features were shrouded under the reflective surface of his beskar, I could tell he was thinking of something.

"I'm not yet sixteen, but when I am... I don't want to be locked down under a piece of metal. I don't want to have to be bound to this planet or a clan. I want to go some place far away and be something that is different than what everyone expects of me. I want to fight battles against the empire, I want to make my own rules. I want to be free to marry who I love, and not be betrothed to whoever my father chooses for me," I finished off my speech about freedom, but realized the last sentence too late. I should have chosen a better set of words.

Din's head hung down, looking at the wrist guards he wore. He shook his head back and forth and before I could interject, he began speaking.

"So that's why...." he trailed off. I was honestly too scared to say anything now. Why must I speak so bluntly and hurtfully honest to people? Perhaps it is because I had never gotten close to him that now I had no fear in what I said to his face.

"If the reason you plan to leave your family is because of me, then-"

"No," I said harshly, catching him off guard. I was usually snippy with others, but I had never before shown a tendency to be angry or intense with my speech. "Believe me, this has nothing to do with you."

"You have always shown enthusiasm towards coming of age. It's only now, when we are arranged, that you show any difference," He brought on certainty in his voice that I nearly couldn't deny, but the truth was... it really wasn't about him. "I can converse with your father, the rest of the clan... I will find a way to break it off if it will make you stay."

"Din, I don't want you to do that. If you don't believe me when I tell you that you are not the cause of this, then so be it, but I will not have you ruining your good name in my favor, when it won't even stop me," The heat of the moment provided actual, physical warmth for me in the time I was running my mouth off, but now that I had finished, and begun to calm down, I felt the freezing air on my arms again, wrapping them around myself and drawing my legs closer to generate more body heat.

"Are you cold?" He changed the subject, needing something- anything else to say.

"Its not exactly warm up here," My voice was low and sarcastic, but at hearing my words, Din stood up and stepped behind me. Before I even had a chance to ask him what he was doing, I felt his thick woolen cape being draped around my shoulders.

I smiled softly, not even a real, full smile. More of just a small tug from the side of my lips. My real smile was saved for later.

"Thank you."

He nodded as he sat back down, letting his legs fall over the cliffside.

"So you're gonna leave with them, aren't you?" His head turned to face me, but I couldn't dare try and stare at the beskar while thinking of what I would do. This choice was the beginning of the rest of my life.

"I think so," I didn't think. Thinking was what I had been doing too much of. Now I was certain. This was my choice. I was going to start new, and become something different. I may have been born on mandalore, but I was definitely not a mandalorian.

I had a rush of confidence come through me until I remembered what this meant. It all hit me like a dropship coming out of hyperspace. What was I thinking?

"No," I whispered. Din didn't understand my sudden discouragement, but he would soon.

"Merc and his friends already denied the creed. He's a foundling. They all are," I started to tear up as I realized what would happen to my family. The loss of a child in a clan is bad enough, but my family hadn't done anything to dessrve this. They were caring. They had shown me love. They had given me the best life I could ask for on a planet with such a religion.

"Second thoughts?" He asked genuinely, scooting closer beside me as to maybe get more information from my body language, or even my breathing.

"I can't do this. My family would be ruined. If I ran away, they would be punished for it," I felt tears coming up in my eyes. My clan was good to me. The people were kind, and I found solace there. Even if I had always dreamt about something bigger, I couldn't bear to let ruin come upon my family name. It wasn't fair to let that happen, especially when the only thing in the way was my own selfishness. "I can't leave my family."

I let the tears stream down my face, not even bothering to wipe them away. The contrast of the cold wind on my hot, tear streaked face had helped to calm me down a little.

"If you plan on staying, you understand that I am apart of your future here, don't you?"

"Din, I already told you before... you are not the reason I want to leave," I tried my best to keep myself together, but with my wet cheeks and red, puffy eyes, I didn't see how that could be an option.

What if there was another way to freedom?

I sat, trying to think of some stories that the other clan members would talk about.

"Din?"

He hummed in response, keeping his gaze on me.

"Has anyone in your clan ever mentioned afterlife?" I maybe should have taken a different approach to this. He seemed to be rendered speechless by my topic of conversation, but I had to ask.

"You mean after death?" He asked me and I nodded.

"I've heard some stories."

I thought about how it had been described to me. A paradise, with never-ending happiness, and unlimted freedom. Freedom.

"After you die, you appear in the world as another life. You can do whatever you want and no one has consequences for any of it. It's like a world without chaos. Everything is perfect," I remember every word as it comes out of my mouth. The words that were spoken to me, more like taught to me when I was a bit younger by the elders who had retired from their days of battle.

"It sounds too easy." He said, ripping me out of my fantasy.

"That's the point. You don't have to worry about anything or anyone, because you can do as you please, and everything will still be the same. All you have to do is die...."

"Like being reborn into a different world."

"Exactly."

I hesitated to take my safety blaster from it's holster under my hip, and when I did, I looked at it before pointing it out in the distance and testing the trigger. It shot a blast of lazer energy out into the air, landing somewhere beneath us in the canyon.

I decided that this was not an act to pursue at the moment, for Din was sitting right beside me, and the sight of watching a young girl pull the trigger against her own head might be an unpleasant one. Even for him, though he has seen worse.

I put the blaster back in it's holster and stand up from the rocky ground. Din follows suit, looking down at me with quiet concern. I wouldn't have known it until now, but I wondered if he had come to care for me at all during these last few weeks we had been betrothed.

I'd known him the majority of my life anyways, so I knew he must have felt some sort of attachment to me, but in what form, I hadn't ever cared to ask.

He kept breathing heavily as he looked down at me for a few moments, and it almost sounded like he wanted to ask me something. The question was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't bring himself to utter the words.

"Here's your cape back," I slid the material off my shoulders, trying to hand it back to him, but he pushed it back towards me.

"You should keep it for now. The sun is nearly down, it will only grow colder."

He reached his gloved hand up to my face, and I could swear I felt the warmth of his hand beneath the coarse leather.

I only nodded, and leaned forward, trying to lean my head into him, but he carefully stopped me, his hands on my shoulders. Instead he rested his helmet against my forhead, and the cold beskar wasn't such a bad feeling as it rested there.

"I won't let you down. I promise." He said, clueless of my plans for later tonight, after the tribes were asleep, and no one would be at the cliffside.

"I know you won't. You're a good man, Din Djarin." I paused, trying to gather better words. "A true Mandalorian if there ever was one."

The moment didn't last any longer because of how frigid the air was becoming. It was warmer back with the tribes, they always had a fire burning.

Without another word, we both left the old artillery cavern and hiked down the side of the canyon to get back to our own clan territory.

Once I was at the edge of mine, I turned around to utter a simple goodbye, and found that he was very close behind me. His hand came up and rested on my shoulder, lightly squeezing it.

Maybe this was the last time we would see each other. Tonight I would envoke my plan to freedom, to rebirth. Perhaps we would meet in another life. Perhaps I would have just enough memory of this life to try and find him in the next one. One where I will have freedom.

Tonight I had gotten closer to the metal clad Mandalorian than I ever had before. I didn't regret it. He listened to what I had to say, and there were few who ever did.

His hand fell from it's place on my shoulder, but I didn't let him walk away yet. I pulled him into an embrace, feeling him tense up for a moment before reciprocating. It took him a few seconds to let out the breath he was holding in, but when he did, he found himself relaxing into the comfort.

"Goodbye, Din," My voice wasn't sad, or overly sensitive in any way. I figured it actually sounded quite optimistic.

"You know I'll see you tomorrow." He said, reminding me of the clan meetings. Once a month the clans would gather and each tribe would go over the agenda for whatever was to happen soon. Battles were normally discussed, but tomorrow, me and a few of the others in the other clans would be talked about. Our ceremonial coming of age where we would take the creed.

"Yeah... right. Don't come looking for me, I don't plan on showing up," I said quietly, careful in anyone was to hear me.

He pulled me back at arms length and looked at me, but his black blast shield hid his features and I could not tell if he thought I was crazy or not.

"How come?" His voice was also quiet, as we noticed some of my clan passing by to get to the fire.

"Don't worry about it. You'll still see me tomorrow," I lied. Or did I? Everyone within the five neighboring tribes would probably see me tomorrow.

He nodded, pulling us all the way apart and stepping back.

"Good."

He didn't look like he was gonna walk away until I had gone into the hub of my clan's small village. I turned around and walked towards the large fire, seeing my mother. Her helmet was unmistakable. The pattern of the strill engraved into the side of the beskar. It was her signet. A worthy kill of her days in battle. I would never have one. I walked towards her when she noticed me.

Her modulated voice let out a small chuckle, before I stepped beside her.

"It is well to see you spending time with Din Djarin. Me and your father were afraid you may not have been fond of him," She kept her gaze on the fire, speaking only loud enough for me to hear her, given that the other mandalorians of our village were also gathering around the fire, conversing with each other the same way we were.

"I am fond of him, why would I not be?" I was unsure of what she meant. Sure, I had been keeping a distance between us since my father had arranged our marriage, but I never had shown that I wasn't fond of him. I was polite, and gave him attention when it was asked of me.

"Whenever I or your father bring up the discussion of your eighteenth birthday, you always seem to act like it's the plague," She was smirking under her helmet, and I could tell. I could always tell what face she made underneath her metal covering.

"Maybe it's the fact that I dread getting married at all. I'm not opposed to Din, though," I convinced her. I wouldn't have to try and do that again after tonight.

"Whatever it is, your father will be pleased to know you and him were in each other's company. Although I will stray from telling him you two were alone... you were alone, weren't you?" She turned her metal covered head, trying to figure out from the look on my face.

"Yes," I answered truthfully, knowing there was no point in lying. No damage could be done at this point, except for maybe towards Din.

"And what were you both doing?" She tilted her head, and I let mine drop. I would tell her the truth, because nothing bad could come from it. Or could it.

"We were just talking... about the future," I answered.

"Your marriage..." She suggested, and I nodded, knowing that it did come up in the conversation.

"Yes."

"I shudder to ask if consummating was apart of this conversation," She looked back at the fire, knowing how red my cheeks would turn and how embarrassed I would be.

"No, nothing like that. I can promise you," I shivered at the thought. Din was a good man, but I didn't necessarily need to be letting thoughts like that intrude my mind.

Everyone else around the fire seemed to be distracted by the glowing flames, and my mother was soon the same, so I suggested my absense.

"I'm going to go in for the night, get some rest. Big meeting tomorrow..." I said before reaching out and squeezing her hand tightly.

She nodded to me, and I took my leave, walking towards our living quarters on the opposite side of camp.

I wasn't looking where I was going, and brushed my shoulder against Merc, who was with Gander and Shyloh.

"Sorry, didn't see you coming," I told him, but he shook his head, optiing ti ask me a question instead.

"Don't worry about it, I was looking for you anyway... Did you think about the offer? We leave at sunrise on the north delivery tarmac," He informed me, but I didn't have an answer. I wasn't staying here, but I wasn't leaving either.

"You'll know if I show up," I gave him a smirk, partially just because I was glad to see someone's actual face tonight, and not just a metal facade.

"We can't wait up for you, just know that."

I nodded, letting them get by. Maybe I could go with them. Live this life freely without starting another one.

No.

My family will not be able to handle that. It's better off if I'm dead. At least they won't go on to believe that I betrayed them, turning my back on all loyalty they had ever taught me. They would nevwr wonder if I ever loved them or planned on keeping their wishes.

I could start fresh. They wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. And I wouldn't have to worry anymore either. Rebirth.

I went straight to bed, clutching the woolen blanket beside me close to my chest.

For some reason I felt a pang of guilt in my chest. Something that made the sting of salty tears swell in my eyes. I knew that what I was doing was best, but yet I started having a hard time justifying something so drastic. They would get on fine without me, wouldn't they? They would go on living by the creed. This is the way. They will find a way to go on without me, like they did before I was born. Din will be arranged with another girl as soon as I'm gone. Everything will be alright.

The wetness that spilled over my eyes and down my face lasted hours, even though my mind kept telling itself that it was at peace.

It was in the dead of night, when I gathered a few of my belongings into a knapsack, throwing it over my shoulder before leaving out the tattered window of my private space.

I ventured to the canyon, with the moons lighting my way. The planet was never truly dark, due to the brightness and the number of shinning moons, all the color silver.

I set my knapsack down on the edge beside me. By the end of this, I would be at the bottom, waiting to be found the next day. I just hoped it wouldn't be anyone I knew. Of course, the number of people who ever came out here was only two. Me, and Din Djarin.

I hoped he wouldn't find me. I hoped it would be someone from another tribe that was flying over, and happened to spot something at the base of the cliffside.

I pulled my flask to my mouth, taking a large drink. A bit spilled onto my chin, and I wiped it off, feeling the breeze on my face. It was much colder now than earlier tonight. I wasn't sure if I should pull the blanket from my belongings and wrap it around myself, or skip the process of making myself comfortable and just get this over with.

I leaned over, looking straight at the ground, hundreds of feet below me. My heart started racing, and I got scared. Why shouldn't I be? I have every right to be absolutely terrified. I closed my eyes, trying to scoot myself over the edge inch by inch, seeing if I would just drop.

I nearly panicked when my bottom hit a crack in the ground and I thought I was going over. My breath hitched in my throat and I instantly pulled myself back.

"This isn't as easy as I thought it would be," I murmered, beginning to feel the emotional side of everything rise to the surface again. It didn't help that with the absolute silence that circled around me, I couldn't have any single thing to distract me.

I stood to my feet, wrapping my arms around myself to ease the goosebumps rising on my skin from the frigid air.

I stood right on the edge, lifting a foot over and leaning forward, but before I could fall, I again caught myself, the adrenaline working overtime in my system and beginning to heat me up.

That wasn't going to work either. If I could, I would put a blaster to my temple and pull the trigger, but then it wouldn't look like an accident.

I paced around back and forth a few times, trying to calm myself down, to stop the whimpering and to make my tears cease. It wasn't working. I just needed to get this over and done with. A new life, with endless possibilities was waiting for me on the other side. Freedom was on the other side.

I wiped my face, even though it didn't stop me from crying, but it helped me to see clearer. I backed up, into the cavern, all the way inside until my back hit the wall of the ex artillery carvern. This was it. A new beginning. Rebirth. New life. Freedom.

I ran as fast as I could toward the edge, my eyes closed. I could feel the wind blowing against me even harder with my speed, and I could tell the edge was drawing near. Every step I took, I felt as though it was my last one.

I finally felt my foot hit the edge, but then I never fell. Instead, I was tackled to the ground. Whoever landed on top of me was heavy enough to hold me down, because half of me was hanging off the edge of the cliff.

I didn't dare even open my eyes. This was a sign. Someone stopped me.

I clinged onto whoever it was, and knew almost instantly who was laid over me when I heard him groan.

I cried even harder, my head buried in his armor clad chest, and my arms around his neck and his torso.

He was holding me tightly, one hand cradled my head into his neck, and the other firmly gripped my waist. He rolled us both over and I swear I felt him shaking.

"What were you thinking?" He stressed, his grip on me tightening as if he was scared to let go. I was scared too. I didn't want him to let go.

"You have to talk to me..."

I heaved a deep breath, deep enough to steady my voice so my whimpering didn't interfere with my words.

"I want out. I need to get out," I cracked in the middle of saying so few words, but they conveyed the message I was trying to get through.

"I can get you out, I promise.... But please don't ever try that again," His voice was full of worry, and as I suspected, he was trembling in fear.

"I'm sorry..." I cried some more, realizing that what I had done was now the biggest mistake I ever made, even if I was saved.

"It's okay. You're okay. I've got you," He spoke to me, my voice quieting down as my sobbing came to a slow halt.

I lifted my face from where I had burrowed it into his neck, looking up at him. I didn't know what his expression was, but something told me it was fearful, and worrysome.

"I have to get out of here," I repeated again. The last day or so it became my mantra, and would leave my lips often, even just to myself. Mostly just to myself.

"You're going to. You're going with Merc... when are they leaving?" He asked, his arms still around me like mine were for him.

"At sunrise. They're gonna jump a delivery ship on the north tarmac," I explained, my voice was now hoarse and thick, due to not only all the crying I had done, but also the cold night air that had entered my lungs.

"Sunrise isn't for a few hours..." he let me know, and I nodded, knowing we shouldn't probably leave yet, for the walk to the north tarmac wasn't very long from here.

"Din, if I leave, my family is going to get the fire for my decision. I can't let that happen," I told him, my voice had become more firm, and I needed to convey the importance of how much this meant to me.

"I give you my word, that as long as I live, nothing will happen to your family," He swore, and I could just feel his eyes staring into mine. So much so that for the first time since he put that helmet on, I knew where his eyes were.

"I trust you. And I know that you'll always keep your word," I nodded, a small smile finally forming on my face.

Since it got fairly quiet, and we were still entangled together,  I scooted off of Din and opted instead to take the seat beside him.

"I should tell you some things before I go. I just don't want to leave anything unresolved," I admitted, and he stayed silent, waiting for me to continue.

"I know this might sound horrible, but I hated the idea of getting too close to you. It was like if I had formed an emotional bond with you, I wouldn't be able to leave anymore. And the last thing on my mind had been to stay. I've wanted freedom for a while now, I was just always too scared to say anything. And when my father told me that you and him had come to an agreement for arranging a marriage.... it's like it all became more real to me. My freedom would be taken in just days. The creed of mandalore is sacred, and it's truly an amazing thing... but it isn't for everyone."

He sat and took everything in. All the words that just spewed from my mouth like I had been holding them in for ages went against everything I had ever learned. Everything that had ever been put into my mind was the opposite of what I wanted.

"You're young. You want more than what the creed can offer you. I think you'll be able to find what you want wherever you're going," He said, I knew there was more, for he didn't even mention anything that I had said about not wanting to be close to him, but when he stayed silent, I knew he was finished, and that I still had more to say.

"Din, I wanted to tell you that if I had to be married, I wouldn't have minded it being you," I admitted. I would leave no stone unturned before I was to just pick up and leave forever... maybe not forever, maybe someday I would return to my family, to Din.

"I can't say I don't feel the same," He seemed to become stiff next to me, but I soon found the reason when he suddenly reached for my hand with his gloved one.

I took it proudly, intertwining our finhers together.

"You know, I was only an eight year old kid when you took the creed. I have so many memories of you yourself, but whenever I recall them... I can't see your face. I've completely forgotten what you look like," I laughed a bit, though it was quite a sad thing actually. I could not remember him in a way that wasn't covered in metal. I remembered that he was a boy once, and that he would play with all the younger children in the clan set next to his. He played with me and the kids I lived next to. He was a lively, energetic boy. Always doing something... sometimes causing mischievous acts. He was so different now. But the change wasn't bad. Since he'd taken the creed he has been the most noble, fearsome, and trustworthy member of his clan. Completely honorable in every sense of the word.

"I don't look like I used to. It wouldn't do you any good to remember anyways," He chuckled under his helmet, and it brought a smile to hear the melodic sound.

"Well, if I'd stayed long enough to marry you I would find out for myself," I leaned my head on his shoulder, feeling comfort by his presence. If I had made the absolute decision to leave this planet earlier, I could have let myself grow a relationship with him. Romantic or not, he was easy to talk to, and I trusted him. He was a friend to me, and I never imagined more, but now his presence was just something that put me at such ease.

"Do you think you'll ever come back?" He pondered, seeing as just the tiniest moonrays shown down into the canyon ahead.

"Someday. I'll comeback and repay you."

"For what?"

"Saving my life," I replied. My attempt to throw my own life away had been pushed away but I had to bring it up. I owed him my life.

"Anyone would have done the same if they had seen," He insisted, and I shook my head.

"How did you even know I was out here?" My curiosity got the better of me, and I asked for an explanation.

"I couldn't sleep, I took a walk through Ronion until I found myself here. I saw you across from the mesa on the south side... I saw you lift your foot over the edge, I knew what you were trying to do," He said, his grip on my hand got tighter almost instantly.

"Thank you. If you hadn't been there, I would be at the bottm of this canyon." I let so much seriousness onto my voice, and it didn't sound like me.

"Don't thank me yet... not until I get you on the tarmac,"

We sat in silence after that, just looking out over the horizon. When the slightest bit of light hit the edge of the planet, we stood to our feet, gathering my knapsack and begining the journey to the north delivery tarmac.

We were there in no time, and before I could even look for them, Merc and his crew were in sight. They were all sitting with their backs against some cargo imports, waiting for the transport to arrive.

"Well, well, well... look at what the shriek hawk dragged in," Shyloh said, gesturing to me and Din.

"Djarin, I didn't expect to see you here," Merc raised an eyebrow at the sight.

"I'm just here to make sure she gets onto the transport safely," He assured them. I looked out of the corner of my eye, and in the brighter horizon I was able to see a cargo ship coming into the landing area.

"Our rides here," I said, and they all jumped up. Since the ships were automatically run, and don't even require droids, it was often very easy to hop aboard and be carried to another destination. Of course, there were only a few who ever wanted to leave.

I myself hadn't ever left Mandalore, neither had I traveled much even on the planet. Only a few trips to visit the the markets with my father. I never even went into the city, for it was told that in the city lived Mandalorians who did not keep the creed. The tribes were convinced that they hadn't actually ever taken the oath, and just wore the armor for the sake of doing it.

The ship's doors opened, pulling me out of my thoughts, and a conveyer belt folded down to let the cargo units be carried out onto the tarmac for later pickup.

"Alright, it's time to head out," Gander said, slinging his knapsack over his shoulder and boarding the transport.

The rest followed after him, but I still had one thing left to do. 

Din looked at me, waiting for me to join the others, but I came close to him one last time.

"You promise my family will be taken care of?" I asked, to which he simply answered with a firm nod. However the look on my face gave him reason to believe that his answer wasn't good enough, so he spoke instead.

"I give you my word. If they are not taken care of, I will let you strike me dead where I stand."

That was good enough for me. He truly meant it. He was a man of his word.

I pulled his head toward mine, resting ny forehead against his in a traditional mandalorian kiss. I pulled back when I heard my name being called from the transport.

"Goodbye, Din Djarin," I told him.

He didn't respond, he just let me go, watching intently as I boarded the ship before the doors closed.

The cargo transports were always on schedule, so as soon as the doors closed, it began lifting into the air. I looked out through the transparent view finder on the side, watching him stand as we began moving out of sight.

"You gonna miss him?" Shyloh asked, his brows furrowing as if he were sorry for me.

"Yes, I suppose I will."

I lost sight of Din, and realized we were leaving the atmosphere most likely preparing for a jump to hyperspace.

"But I'll see him again."

.

.

Tags are open ig...

A/n: please don't get too caught up in the age gap y'all it's just for backstory purposes because this story is eventually going to follow canon events.... (also i know that this doesn't really portray Mandalore correctly, but let's pretend it does because i had this idea)

[mishkakagehishka]

Growing Up, part 3: Celebrated

Directory

Fandom: Ensemble Stars!! Concept: an exploration of Mika's past and his growing inner psychology as presented through the celebrations of his 15th, 16th and 18th birthday (or, during his final year before Yumenosaki, first year in Yumenosaki/pre-War era, and 3rd year in Yumenosaki/!!time as calculated by the person who almost failed maths in years 11 and 12) Word count for this chapter: 2703 Summary for this chapter: A surprise birthday party thrown in Mika's honour, to show him how far he has come, how many good friends he has made, how he's not as unworthy of love as he had thought.

Warnings for this chapter: None that I can think of :> This is the fluffy conclusion to the two angsty chapters, anyway.

A mug of cocoa warmed Mika's hands as he sat on the floor, leaning against the couch, watching some comedy on the television. It was more like he kept it as background noise while he stared right through the screen itself, thinking of everything except what he was pretending to watch. It was Christmas. He had nothing better to do with himself, his roommate became active the moment the sun set, and was off wandering somewhere. Shu called him a week earlier saying he won't be in Japan for Christmas because he had further work to do for college. Asides from saddening Mika, as Shu, then, wouldn't come for his birthday either, it also made him worry about his own future. Whether he should also pursue higher education, where he should do so, what he should pursue… But it was hardly the time to worry about that. No use worrying over the future, besides, there’s not much he can do about it as is.

As he was right at that moment, he felt bored. Restless. The comedy went on forever, and it wasn't even funny, and his cocoa was becoming just slightly uncomfortably lukewarm. He wanted to call Shu, but Shu made it very clear he would be very busy, and so it just felt like a bad idea. Like he would only bother him. He could go out himself, take a walk, see the illuminations, but it was Mika. A single man walking around all alone on Christmas… He felt like he'd attract looks. Bad looks. Pitying looks.

It's not that he minded being single (and even if he did, he could do nothing about it as an idol), but the idea of being judged by random people on the street, those to whom he could never justify his existence, made him itch. Truly, he hated the idea of being judged, and yet he could only ever imagine one would look at him only for that reason. To enact judgement. For a reason, judgement can be used to mean divine punishment. A disaster, a calamity. That's how it felt to him, to be looked at. As if he was being asked for the reason why he looked like that, why he was occupying that space, why he was even born in the first place. Questions he couldn't answer. So, he would prefer it if nobody looked at him, ever. It was a mystery how he managed to perform, but he found himself able to forget how having more than one person looking at him, heavens forbid closely, feels as if he is being held down and dissected as a living specimen when he’s performing. He supposed being dressed in clothes he is not worthy of, being given songs written to be sung by those far more elegant and refined than him helped. He felt as if he put on a mask on stage, as if it wasn’t him up there, but a version of him that deserved all that praise and love. All that glory. A version of him that doesn’t feel like crying and throwing up at the mere idea of being observed by strangers.

And so Mika felt like he couldn't go out, for fear of being judged. That's simply how he felt, and it was his plan to stay in and continue pretending to watch bad comedies while drinking lukewarm cocoa, but his roommate had other plans.

Ritsu barged in, arm in arm with Arashi, loudly enough that it made Mika jump. It was a matter of luck that the cocoa didn't spill all over him.

"Mikarin!" Ritsu called out. And Arashi continued, "Get dressed, we're going out!" "Eh? N'gah? Wha?" Mika, still surprised, could only stare like a lamb. "Goin' out? Wh-where?" "The Christmas market, silly! Today's the last day it's open." Arashi let go of Ritsu's hand, instead striding over to Mika. She took the mug out of his hands (which he relinquished without a struggle, eyes just as lost) and proceeded to pull him up to his feet. "And don't even try to tell me you weren't dying to go see the lights!" "Ah, how'd'ya know? I was just thinkin' 'bout that…" "Because we're your best friends, duh?" Ritsu cut in, throwing himself on Mika's bed once Arashi dragged Mika himself over there, too. "So, you'll go with us?" "Feels like I ain't got much choice," Mika mumbled, though a big smile made his joy at the invitation come across despite the hesitant words. Arashi was already pulling his clothes out of the closet, pushing hangers against his chest to see what looked best. And he laughed along with the two of them, agreeing fairly quickly to go along with their whims.

And they had fun, truly, they did. Mika was happy he took them up on that offer, even if he felt reservations at first. Worrying about what people would think, would they judge him, would they think he was third wheeling a date, would they think he was pathetic… All of those worries simply faded away when he saw the beautiful illuminations. When the natural conversations with his best friend kept leading into spontaneous fits of laughter. When he was able to feel, for just a second, loved and appreciated. Like his presence was wanted. When he felt the warmth of a true connection. Eating street food, talking and laughing, looking at the illuminations and spending quality time together. He was happy he decided to come with them.

The night came to a close soon, however. With midnight approaching, Arashi was the first to broach the subject of turning in for the night. "It's late," she pointed at her watch, which showed about ten minutes past eleven. Exchanging a look Mika found odd with her, Ritsu nodded in agreement. "We can continue our hangout at the dorm's common room, if you guys aren't tired yet?" "Aw, I dunno…" Mika trailed off. He wondered what the shared look was about. The insecure part of him flared up, bombarding him with various thoughts to the tune of they're sick of me, but he tried his best to suppress it. He had no reason to believe that, he told himself. He didn't want to fall back into old habits. "Come on, ple~ase?" Arashi folded her hands together in a begging gesture, pouting her lip cutely at him. "You wouldn't say no to us, would you, Mikarin?" Ritsu did the same, giving him his best puppy eyes. "N'gah… Awright, jus' fer a lil bit, though, okay?"

Sometimes Mika felt like a bit of a pushover. And the bitter taste it left at the base of his throat was unpleasant, but he couldn’t help it.

The lights were off, if they could assume from just the front windows. It seemed awfully quiet. Mika was almost certain somebody would be awake and moving about the common area, and yet, far as he could tell, the whole dorm was dead asleep. Only Ritsu, Arashi, and him - returning from an evening's outing, sneaking in like burglars. Arashi fiddled with her keys for a moment, the many keychains weighing down on her hand, but she pushed the door open - to more darkness.

Ritsu held his arm out to Mika, who took hold of it eagerly, not wanting to trip over something and fall. Together, the three of them walked into the darkness, quiet as mice. While Arashi fiddled with the wall trying to find a light switch, Mika felt goosebumps rising on his skin. The uncomfortable feeling of being watched. He squeezed Ritsu's arm, ignoring the horror addict in him filling his thoughts with monsters and killers that crept in the darkness, waiting to pounce and tear their unsuspecting victims apart.

The light was turned on, and…

"Surprise!!" The clock had hit midnight. A symphony of voices. "Happy birthday, Mika!"

It was as if half of ES had gathered in the common area. A cake placed on the dining room table, banners and balloons decorating every corner, smiles filled the room. Smiles directed at Mika. A part of him wanted to shrink into himself and disappear, uncomfortable with being the centre of attention. But another part of him almost enjoyed the way they were smiling at him. It made his heart skip a beat. Everyone here, here to celebrate his birth, to act as if he was important. Everyone, everyone, even…

"Oshi-san?!" "Happy birthday, Kagehira!" Shu had a used party popper in hand. Though never smiling, Mika could tell he was happy to see him. As was Mika. "I thought y'were too busy. Weren'cha gonna stay in Paris?" "You know I always aim to be ahead of schedule. Indeed, this time it worked in both our favours. I finished my work days ago, so I decided to fly in earlier. Aren't you happy to see me?" He was smug as always, but the airs he put up did little to cover the new bags under his eyes. Imperfections. Yet, if he was tired, he did little to show it. "I sure am!" Mika was quick to agree, smiling ear to ear.

"I'm… so happy I could cry," he was now addressing the entire party, "Y'all did all this fer me?" "But of course! Your birthday only comes once a year, you know?" Arashi gently ruffled his hair (and was scolded by Shu for it, but it took only a single look from her to get him to acquiesce). "It just felt appropriate that we celebrate you on your birthday," Hajime added, before pointing to the tea he had prepared just a little earlier, offering Mika a cup to warm up.

And Mika felt like he could cry, really. To be celebrated on his birthday, to be treated so kindly and lovingly. He found it hard to believe that he wasn't just dreaming. That it was real. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a proper birthday celebration. In his youth, he never had the time nor money to celebrate his late-December birthday. Later on, he never felt important enough that his birth should be celebrated. (And if even his parents decided to throw him away, what point was there in celebrating the day that never brought anyone joy?) And now, suddenly, he was standing in the common area, talking with people who seemed happy to talk to him. Being offered sweets and drinks. Asked to open presents, even. When was the last time he'd gotten a birthday present? That DVD, that motivator to enrol in Yumenosaki. The butterfly whose wings' flapping caused this very party to happen.

And even the party itself was something he was given a choice to reject, to discard. When Arashi pulled him away from the crowd to check up on him, which he needed, he would admit, he was given both a choice and an excuse. "Are you doing okay, hun? I know you're bad with having the spotlight on you…" "N'ah, yeah, 's fine, Naru-chan. It's a bit scary, but I'm doin' peachy fer now." "I'm glad to hear! You just let me know if you want to step outside, okay?" "I will. Thank ya kindly!" There was not a single part of this event that wasn’t planned for him, with him and his wishes and comfort in mind.

It was a fun night. In the end, Mika did have to step outside with Arashi once or twice. After all, he was still himself, still shy and panicky when put under a spotlight. But he never gave up, he always returned to it. He wanted to feel the friendships he had made. And the fact that he was able to talk and laugh and eat with so many people he can now call his friends truly made him happy. Most folks retired around one in the morning - understandably tired and wanting to get some rest. Shu himself left shortly after, at half past one. He fixed Mika's collar and gave him a bit of a speech before he'd left. "I expect to see you grow even more as an artist in this coming year," he monologued, "and remember you were given this life, these talents, for a reason. Do not squander them for laziness or practicality. Nurture them. Develop them. Show the world what you are capable of. Make everyone who ever doubted you regret it." It went on for some time, but Mika swallowed every word of it. Mika knew Shu wanted him to succeed almost as much as he himself wanted it. Even though he now knew his methods in the past were less than ideal, he still kept the view that Shu just wanted what was best for him.

The only difference was, now it was left up to Mika to decide, freely and for himself, whether he wanted to accept Shu’s advice or not.

It was perhaps around 3am when the last of the idols left, the party people, the night owls. Ritsu and Arashi stayed the latest, though Arashi ended up falling asleep on the couch, leaned against Ritsu's shoulder. Ritsu himself was getting drowsier the closer sunrise was approaching, and they knew it was about time to say goodnight and until tomorrow.

Mika gently nudged Arashi awake. It took her a few moments, but she immediately got to groaning. "Oh, my! What time is it?" "It'll be four any minute now," Ritsu answered, yawning and stretching. "Sorry, boys, I fell asleep…" "Ya sure did. But ya didn't miss much. We woke ya up 'cause we're 'bout to head back, too. Didn't want'cha to get a cold from sleepin' here." "Aren't you two such gentlemen? Thank you!" She yawned. "I think it was good. Mika-chan, did you have fun?" "I had a lotta fun!" Mika beamed. There was something pure in his smile, a show of his true feelings. He had so much fun it almost makes him sad that the night is over. "That's what's most important," Ritsu nodded solemnly. "Since it was your party and all." "Ya both planned it, didn'cha? Thank ya kindly, really. Y'all made me so happy, I can't even describe it."

It didn't take long for a hug fest to start. Arashi pulled Mika into a hug the moment those words left his mouth, awwing and cooing all the while. Naturally, Ritsu was pulled in as well. And so, Mika cradled in Arashi's arms, her arms around his back and his face in her neck. Ritsu hugging Mika from the back, his arms wrapped around Arashi's back. And they all swayed ever so lightly like that, simply enjoying the skinship, the physical touch, the show of friendship. "We should go to bed," Arashi whispered, but made no move to separate. "We should," Ritsu agreed. "We really should," as did Mika.

The hour passed well into four by the time they were all tucked into their respective beds. And it was well past five by the time Mika's heart calmed down enough to allow him rest, his mind swimming in that day's memories. In how loved he felt. In how wonderful the feeling was, in how he never wanted to feel lonely and rejected again. Not now when he knew how the other side felt. He was never going to return to being the discarded, thrown away, helpless little child. He wasn’t alone anymore.

But he had to grow up. He had to become stronger. He had to be the one who would accept and love the next unloved children. He was going to become the saviour he wished for so strongly, so desperately as a child. Mika was going to grow up and make the world right, at least for those innocent kiddos who deserved it the most. Because he could show them best that there’s more to life than the rejection and isolation that would come to be the only thing they’d know for a long, long while.

Because even though he, too, was once thrown away without a care, he found his way to a warm home, to loving friends, to a family of his own choice. If he could make it, he could show them, anyone can. Everyone can.

[jimblejamblewritings]

sunshine | part 10.

Summary: Y/N Riddle. Not much more has to be said. Life at Hogwarts when your dad is Lord Voldemort is an interesting experience. And four particular people at school make it even more interesting.

Warnings for the Series: THIS IS THE DARKER VERSION! IF YOU WANT THE LESS DARK MORE ANGSTY VERSION CHECK OUT PRINCESSE DE MORT

Pairing: Marauders x black!reader, eventual Remus Lupin x black!reader

Word Count: 6.4k

Previous Part | (Series Masterlist)

You shook as you walked past Barty Crouch Jr. in the Ministry. It was weird. The hands on your shoulders were warm instead of cold. You couldn’t remember the last time you felt a warm body, including your own. They sat you down in a chair next to Barty Crouch Jr. while all the Ministry officials sat around the room and watched. You picked at your clothes. Fourteen years and yet you were drowning in your old outfit. They said to ask for food in Azkaban but you were never given much. And sometimes the dementors said no.

Memories were sadder and more delicious if you weren’t satiated even a little bit. You were missing some memories. When they realized you didn’t have many happy feelings, they turned to feasting on the actual memory itself. You only knew that you had gotten on the Hogwarts Express in first year but you couldn’t remember anything about the journey. Your eyes shifted constantly as Barty told the story. A boy had died at Harry’s school? What all had happened since you had been gone. Your godson was fourteen, he’d be fifteen soon. Or maybe now? You didn’t know what the date was.

Crouch’s memories were able to show Peter Pettigrew as well. How the Dark Lord made Wormtail suffer for letting you get caught and why he was so insistent that you stayed away from the war. All of Barty’s memories proved you knew nothing about the return, about Pettigrew’s plans for that night.

Those in the Ministry that knew you were a double agent were able to answer as to why you were seen with Death Eaters in some of Crouch’s stories— with the threat of Voldemort’s return, even if some didn’t believe, they didn’t think blowing your cover was smart. They put Barty through every test possible to make sure he wasn’t manipulating memories. All the conclusions were the same.

“Ms. Riddle.”

Your head snapped over to the official in front of you. You don’t know why they changed your clothes from your prison gown. You don’t know why they brought you in considering you had never met Barty Crouch Jr. before or maybe you had. Maybe that was another memory from your time that was missing. But they didn’t ask you to testify at all so you still weren’t sure what you were doing there. The official looked at you with eyes full of pity— it wasn’t missed on anyone how your leg wouldn’t stop bouncing the entire time or the hands that hadn’t stopped shaking since you sat down.  

“It appears.” The official’s voice cracked. “There’s been a mistake. We’ll be exonerating you of all crimes committed the night of October 31st, 1981. Seeing as there are also no other charges, you are free to go. We’ll be processing releases and delivering a letter to you fairly soon.”

You tilted your head. “I can leave?”

A woman in pink cleared her throat. “Of course, we should be keeping an eye on—”

“Oh, drop it, Dolores,” another official said. “She’s suffered a lot. What we should be doing is let her live without us interfering ever again.”

“I can leave?”

They all winced at the way you choked on the words, how you wiped at your eyes that had started to tear up. It was painful to hear something that should sound like hope but was void of all emotion. There wasn’t even an ounce of anything else. No conviction, no justice. Just tiredness from an outcome you never thought you’d hear.  

“Yes. We’ll be stripping Peter Pettigrew of any awards he had received posthumously when he was thought to be dead. Public corrections will be made about you. On behalf of the entire Ministry, we apologize for the mistake and ordeal you must have been put through.”  

You were escorted back out of the room. The secretary dug around through collections of old wands until he found yours. He took off the label and handed it back to you. The Auror escorting you grabbed your hand as it shook.

“It’ll take a minute to get used to using magic again. Dementor effects are known to severely hamper abilities… I’d imagine maybe half a year before you’re completely comfortable using it again.”

“Oh.” You just nodded and gripped your wand tighter.

“You’re better off using the Floo Network or a broom. Your file said you were registered to Apparate, I could also assist you if you’d like. Do you know where you’re going?”

You gave him the address of the house that you, Remus, and Sirius lived in. It was the only place you knew. The lights were off when you got there. The house was completely empty. You looked around confused at seeing nothing. Of course, why would they still be there? It’s been so long that you were foolish to think they were still there. You went back into the dark living room. You had nowhere else to go to. You were starting to worry that maybe you had no one to go to.

“Uh, Hogwarts, please.”

The Auror sent a patronus to ask for Dumbledore to let down the charm that prevented apparating. Instead of doing such, Dumbledore apparated to the two of you. He told the Auror that he could leave.

“Forgive me, (Y/N), for suspecting you. And forgive us for not being able to capture Pettigrew the first time and getting you out a bit sooner.”

“It’s, um, it’s alright,” you whispered.

Dumbledore frowned at how timid you were. It was a shame after seeing how you blossomed in seventh year and onwards. He took your arm, telling you that Sirius and Remus had moved back into Sirius’ childhood home. Walburga died a few years after you had been thrown in prison and it went back to the only living Black. The Order had been restored by him after the incident at The Triwizard Tournament and was using the place as a new headquarters since the Ministry refused to accept that your father had returned.

“Is Harry okay?”

Dumbledore blinked, amazed that you still cared about the boy. “He’s fine. Shall we go?”

You were transported to a home that definitely looked like it belonged to an old pureblood family. Dumbledore stood in front of you as he walked into the dining room, drawing attention. The Order, the Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione were animatedly talking over dinner. Molly was trying her hardest to stop Sirius from revealing more about the Order to the children than she thought appropriate.

“Headmaster, will you tell us about the Order?” Hermione asked.

“Perhaps, another time, Miss Granger. But right now, I am here to deliver a very special person.”

Dumbledore turned to apparate back to Hogwarts, giving you a pat on the shoulder. Remus and Sirius abruptly stood up after seeing you in the doorway. Everyone got quiet. Harry had seen a few pictures of his godmother. They showed him more after third year when they came face to face with Pettigrew. But they had lost a lot of things over the years, pictures of you included.

However, you didn’t look much like the pictures that Harry was shown. The Sunshine nickname didn’t seem to ring true at all. Your cheeks were hollowed out. Your entire body was practically all bone. You had your hair thrown up in a bun but they could all see the matted curls that you were trying to disguise. Your hands that clutched your wand— your only current possession— were shaking like mad. And there was almost no life in you, not in your color and not behind your eyes. The two Marauders just blinked. You looked around at everyone before facing the only truly familiar faces.

“I-I didn’t know where else to go, I won’t stay if you don’t want me to. I’ll fi—”

Remus crossed the large gap between you and everyone to hug you. He was so warm. Your arms stiffly moved to give him a hug. This was new— you had never given a hug before, maybe when you were seven. Remus’ hand came up to cradle your head when you started to shiver. He couldn’t help himself as he pressed a kiss to your hairline.  

“They said you weren’t getting out till Friday. We were coming to get you.”

“You were?” You pulled away to look at him. “You wanted to see me?”

“O-of course,” Sirius stuttered, which was a first for the others sitting at the table. “We haven’t seen you in—”

“Fourteen years, I tallied the days in my cell. It’s five thousand one hundred and ten tallies. They wouldn’t let me see anyone. I wanted to see someone so badly. Azkaban— I wanted to tell you I didn’t do it. I swear—”

“Shh, shh, it’s alright,” Remus cooed when you started to sob. “I won’t let you go again. I’m here now, okay? I’m here. I’ll always be right next to you. This is the last time I’ll let you get hurt, okay?”

A shaky hand wiped at your face before Remus covered it with his and wiped your tears for you. He gave you a smile. The table didn’t know how to feel when they watched you try to smile back. It looked awkward. Your mouth dropped before you tried to mimic the facial expression that Remus had. The Weasley siblings didn’t mean to laugh as they hid behind their drinks. It was just that your second smile was cute because it was even more awkward— a lot larger than the first one, showing all teeth. You looked kind of like a shark. The corners of Remus’ eyes crinkled up as he cupped your face in one hand. He watched your eyes go wide and immediately dropped it, looking back at Sirius. A silent nod and they knew that they’d have to ask you about that. Remus just tucked his hands in his pockets.    

“Look at you, just the same as we remember.”

“Don’t lie. I look awful.” You frowned. Azkaban did a number on you and you were extremely aware of it.

“It’s not a lie.”

“You grew a mustache?” You deflected.

“I thought it made me seem more like a professor when I was working at Hogwarts.”

You nodded and looked at Sirius. “You moved?”

“Yeah, we did.”

“There’s a new scar.”

You traced a scar that stopped right above his eye, going through his eyebrow. Remus shuddered under your touch. It had been so long without you that something so simple had such an effect. He cleared his throat as he opened his eyes.

“The, uh, first transformation without you was— I took it a bit harshly. Are you hungry?”

You nodded. They took you to Crouch’s trial before dinner at Azkaban so you hadn’t eaten. Remus led you to the table, giving up his seat. He went to go get another chair and Molly jumped up to fix a plate of food.

“What’s the date?” You asked Sirius.

He stuttered through an answer as you nodded slowly. Your eyes scanned over everyone’s face until finding who you were looking for. Harry definitely looked like James and Lily’s son.

“So, you’re fifteen?” you asked him.

Harry nodded.

You scratched at your head. “I missed your birthday, I’m sorry… Sirius, I’m cold.”

“Do you want a jumper? A blanket? You know, I’ll get both.”

You were suddenly enveloped in warm things. Remus and Molly came back.

“(Y/N), I didn’t know what you wanted,” Molly started. “So I just put a bit of everything.”

“Thank you.” You looked down at the plate. “They never gave us any of this.”

“Um, what did you eat?” Sirius asked.

You shrugged. “You couldn’t tell what it was, it never tasted good.”

They watched you take a bite. You nodded your head slowly before dabbing at your eyes. You set the fork down and just started sobbing. The table got quiet. What were they supposed to say when a woman suddenly started crying? Sirius tried to give you a hug as best as he could. He looked at you with pity as you tried not to cry while eating.  

“Sorry, I’m sorry, I just haven’t had real food in s— I’m sorry. It tastes good…”  

You choked out another apology. Molly shook her head, saying you had nothing to apologize for. Wiping at your face, you tried to compliment her food. She just said to tell her whenever you were hungry. She would cook whatever you wanted.  

Harry imagined this was probably what you were like when the whole school tormented you. He had gone from blaming you to feeling like he needed to apologize to you to just looking at you with sadness. You were the woman who did everything to stop her father and he knew that you probably blamed yourself in Azkaban for ever switching with Pettigrew. You had gotten him from Godric’s Hollow and were prepared to care for him without thought. Now, you were just grateful to eat real food for dinner.

You pushed the plate away. There was barely a dent in the food. You wanted to eat more but found that you literally couldn’t. You had become so used to the small meals in Azkaban that eating more wasn’t possible at the moment. The others at the table watched you curl up into the chair. You had asked what they were talking about, not wanting to be the reason that everyone stopped talking. Moody shook his head. He didn’t know if discussing anything related to the Order was good for you.

“Wasn’t important,” he said.

Kreacher arrived with a letter. He handed it straight to you. It was from the Ministry. You opened it slowly, worried it would say they were taking you back. You couldn’t look at it. Sirius offered a hand and you gave him the letter.

“Dear Ms. Riddle, we have finished the paperwork and filings in regards to your case. You should be getting more letters soon in terms of clearing your public record. In this envelope, you’ll find a key. A vault in Gringotts has been established for you and inside will be the compensation for years spent in Azkaban as well as another amount of compensation for lack of trial. We hope you find it enough to start your life aga— the absolute nerve of them!”

Hermione stopped eating. “Did they say lack of trial?”

Sirius re-read the letter, confused by the wording as well. You became hyper focused on a spot on the blanket.

“They didn’t give me a trial,” you said.

“That’s illegal.”

“There was no need for one, they said all the evidence showed. When they took me, they said I was Voldemort’s daughter…”

Sirius and Remus immediately put their hands on your knees. That’s all you ever were to everyone was Voldemort’s daughter and it had been punishing you for your entire life. You sighed. The two men on either side of you felt like something else was weighing on you. You clenched and unclenched your hand.

“I thought I was going to die this morning, I was supposed to get the Dementor’s Kiss today.”

“What?” They all gasped.

“When they first booked me, I was told that when they found all of my victims then I would get the rest of my sentence. No one believed me when I said I didn’t hurt anyone. They kept finding my father’s victims or other Death Eaters and it added to my list but it saved my life.”

“They were going to kill you,” Arthur whispered, appalled at other members of a Ministry he worked in.

“They couldn’t find anyone else last year and they set a date. I wasn’t supposed to live past five thousand one hundred and ten tallies. I marked that today and then an Auror showed up, said something about Peter… I was so scared.”

Remus reached out to grab your hand. “You had every right to be scared. You were innocent. You are innocent.”

“I’m okay now,” you tried to reassure him, giving him the shark smile.

“How are you really?”

“By the third month… I kept thinking I’d rather have been in James’ attic.”

“Don’t say that, (Y/N),” Sirius said.

You shook your head. “It’s true, I kept wishing to wake up there. It was better.”

“Prongs’ attic? Didn’t you say that was the worst time?”

“Was just a bad time, that’s all,” you said as you rested your head on Sirius’ shoulder.

The man looked down at you. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve all apologized al—”

“We told you it was never going to be enough.”

“Attic?” Mundungus Fletcher asked. “What’s wrong with the attic?”

Both men clenched their jaws. “Nothing.”

“Sure didn’t sound like nothing.”

Remus sighed. “The kids are still at the table.”

Harry frowned. “She’s my godmother—”

“And as your godfather, I’m sa—”

“Oh, just say it,” Fletcher cut him off.

Sirius looked at you, asking if it was okay. “Fine. Fine, the whole school used to torment (Y/N).”

“We know that,” Hermione said. “Everyone knows that.”

Sirius rubbed a hand over his face. “Merlin, we used to use her to get ourselves off, alright! All four of us.”

“Please say that’s a fucked up joke.” Moody scratched his forehead. “How, how did this happen?”  

Remus shifted uncomfortably. His elbows hit the table as he buried his head in his hands. Guilt was evident. It was a talk they had over sixteen years ago but reliving it brought up all the guilty memories and feelings. You stuck a shivering arm out of the blanket to pat his shoulder. Sirius stiffened up as well.

“I wanted the hexing to stop,” you explained. “It just got really hard at Hogwarts and we made a deal.”

“We humiliated you.” Remus’ voice was muffled but you could hear the crack in his voice.

You lifted your head from Sirius’ shoulder at the sound. Was he crying? You looked at Sirius who was also tearing up. Why were they crying? You realized that they felt guilty. Azkaban gave you time to do nothing but think. You had made a lot of peace with your past. You thought a lot about what happened and how it felt. You had a lot of time to forgive them which was something that they clearly hadn’t done. You poked at Remus’ hands until he looked at you.    

“I’m okay, don’t feel bad.”

Sirius huffed out a laugh. “You haven’t changed a bit since Hogwarts, Sunshine, always caring about everyone else.”

“Can we go to the living room?”

The two men stood up and you went with them. The others knew that they shouldn’t have eavesdropped but they pressed themselves up against the door and listened in. You sat down on the floor, Remus and Sirius followed. You reached over to wipe at both of their faces. It wasn’t enough to tell them that they were fine.

“It’s still eating at you,” you said. “Why?”

“You’re not upset?”

“Fourteen years by myself, I don’t have anything I’m upset about anymore. I’m not even mad at Peter.”

Sirius gritted his teeth. “No, I’ll kill Wormtail when I see him.”

“It’s not about Peter, it’s about you.”

Remus nodded. “That day when your pictures got out, I’ll never unsee your face. You were so scared of all of us. That was the first time I thought about the fact that we hurt you. It wasn’t a deal, no favors. We got off on hurting you. It was sick. We told you Prongs’ fingering you in Three Broomsticks was the gentlest we would ever be. Who says that? That was your first time and we said that.”

“The only time we ever saw your face was making you take all four of us at once.” Sirius clenched his fist. “We called you names and never asked if you liked them. I don’t think we ever asked if you liked anything.”

Everyone outside the door was listening with dropped jaws. Every little confession was revealing things they never imagined. The Weasley children looked over at their parents after hearing about the pictures. Charlie couldn’t help but narrow his eyes when they looked away after he asked if they had passed them around with everyone else. They all leaned in again when Sirius said they wouldn’t be able to forgive themselves until they knew exactly what you hated. They needed to be confronted by it and not blessed with the kindness that you liked to show everyone.

“I hated watching you all be sweet with each other and then turn around and shove my face into the mattress. That’s when I actually felt like nothing… you pushed me to the edge of the bed when it was time to sleep like I was that horrible of a person. I hated when you had let the others in. Archie and Griff were worse than you four. I didn’t like the punishments you let Marlene, Dorcas, and Lily do.”

Harry got up and the next thing the others heard was a door slam. Ron, Hermione, and Ginny excused themselves to leave just the elder Weasleys and the other Order members. Tonks’s face was starting to twist up as it kept going. She was furious beyond belief at hearing that your first time was a pub and then it just got rougher.

“(Y/N)… you got freaked out when I held your chin,” Remus said tentatively. “What happened?”

“Fifth year. A bunch of seventh years took me to Three Broomsticks and wouldn’t let me leave. I hate the attic because Wormtail grabbed my face just like they did, James poured firewhiskey down my throat just like they did. It just freaked me out a bit. I feel trapped that way. You didn’t know, it’s f—”

Sirius cut you off. “Don’t say it’s fine. We’re grateful that you forgave us but it was never fine.”

“Can you forgive yourself?”

“We’ll try.”      

You were going to say something else but yawned. Your eyes struggled to stay open. After all the dementor attacks, you were left with low energy and constantly tired. Remus watched your eyes close and open again super slowly.

“There’s not a spare room but you can sleep in mine. It’s at the end of the hall when you get upstairs. My pajamas are in the bottom drawer of the dresser if you want other clothes,” he said.  

You nodded and removed yourself from the living room to go lay down on the bed in his room, everyone at the door scrambling to leave. Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione were in the room that the two girls were sharing. They watched you walk by the door before you stopped in the doorframe.

“Goodnight.”

They said small goodnights back and watched you continue forward. Harry wasn’t taking the information well. He didn’t want to believe what Sirius had said. That sounded so different from the two men that tried to be in his life and take care of him, even if the Dursleys had actually stopped that from happening. That couldn’t have been his parents. He wanted you to yell at them. He wanted to yell at them for you. Harry felt oddly like you were family despite only knowing that you were his godmother. The others were struggling a bit as well. The school days didn’t match the adults they knew now and it was uncomfortable to discover the other image.

You went to the bottom drawer like Remus said. It was summer but you were cold so you took a long sleeve shirt. You also slipped on pajama pants which now fit worse than they ever had before. This still felt like a dream. A last ditch glimpse of a good time before you got the Dementor’s Kiss in the morning. Maybe that was true. But you decided that it was okay as you patted the pillows. You almost couldn’t remember what a bed felt like or a soft blanket. The warmth enveloped you and you passed out quickly, content with the possibility of this being the last dream that you ever had.

Everything was just sensitive downstairs. The others pretended to be in the dining room for your sake. The moment you got upstairs, Tonks descended into the living room followed by everyone else. Arthur and Molly awkwardly shuffled to the couch, knowing that they were also on the receiving end of an oncoming tirade.

“You’re all disgusting,” Bill spoke up.

“We know,” Sirius said.

“She actually trusts you. You two should feel fucking ashamed that she forgave you.” Tonks’ anger was evident.

“You don’t think we are?!” Sirius yelled.

“She was going to be executed! After everything you all did and she was going to keep being punished! That’s because of you. Because you all still saw her as a Death Eater after she proved herself in a disgusting way, might I add,” Tonks said.

“I KNOW!” Remus snapped. “My heart dropped when she said that! I feel fucking awful every time she looks at me with nothing but kindness in her eyes. She’s seen me and never been afraid of the literal monster I become. None of us deserve that girl. We never did, never will, and I know that. Guilt eats at me every time I think about what we did! And she forgave us. That’s the fucking worst part. She never held anything against the entire school and got sent to Azkaban for it. I will never stop being sorry about what we did. I hate the fact that I still love her because that’s cruel to her! I understand completely how we were all awful.”

Tonks’ brow furrowed. “Did you just say you love her?”

Remus paused, realizing his own words. There was no hiding what he said. He just leaned back against the couch. A dry laugh escaped his throat.

“Yeah. Fourteen years and I still do. We called her Sunshine for a reason. She had these cute little nails but was just light herself. Look at her, you can’t help but feel warm around her.”

Tonks was silent. They all were. Sirius was the only one not phased by the confession. Remus was aware of how ridiculous it was. He told them such. He was never going to tell you, not after everything. He also knew that he wasn’t finding someone else. Not if he still loved you after fourteen years. It wasn’t going away but it would stay buried in his mind. The others softened up a bit. They weren’t sure what the smart thing to do was. Even Tonks couldn’t tell him that she thought he should stay away from you because she wasn’t sure. She was pissed but acknowledged that they were younger and as awful as it was, there were very thin boundaries that weren’t crossed. She would never be able to enter Grimmauld again if they had crossed the few lines that were left. She sighed.

“Maybe you shou—”

A scream so loud that it echoed through the house garnered everyone’s attention. Remus came rushing in from downstairs, throwing open his bedroom door. The rest of the house watched in horror as he sat you up and wrapped his arms around you to stop the thrashing around. It was an awful sight to the children in the doorway— to everyone really. Your eyes were open but almost glazed over. The tears were profous as you lived in some dark world that they couldn’t see in front of them.

“I didn’t do it!” you yelled. “I didn’t kill them, please, I didn’t do it!”

“Shh,” Remus tried to coo and snap you out of the nightmare. “Shhh, you’re alright. You’re okay.”

“I swear! They’re my friends, I didn’t kill them!”

Everyone swallowed lumps in their throat as you hit at Remus’ arm. No one could know what you were seeing but clearly Azkaban was worse than whatever they had imagined. Your eyes focused on the house you were in, no longer trapped in your prison cell. Remus kept shushing and rocked the two of you back and forth. You looked up at him with tears streaming down your face.

“I didn’t kill them, Remus. I would never do that.”

“I know. I know, (Y/N).”

“Please tell them I didn’t, don’t let them take me back to my cell.”

Remus tried to hold back tears when he felt you clutch the arm wrapped around you for dear life. The most life he’s seen in your eyes since you showed up and it was pure fear. Your life was made up of more fear moments than anything. He shook his head, gently cupping your face.

“You’re not there anymore. I’ll never let them take you back. Okay? We’re not in Azkaban. See, we’re at home. We’re not there.”  

He looked at Sirius who immediately left to go back downstairs and brew up a potion for Dreamless Sleep. Molly ushered everyone away, saying there was nothing to see and they should all go back to sleep. Remus held you tighter when the shivering resumed. Azkaban was haunting you even after you left. The dementors couldn’t give back what they stole, only take more.

Sirius came back and put the potion to your lips. You pushed it away when you felt like you couldn’t drink anymore. Remus set you back down, pausing when you grabbed at his sleeve.

“Don’t leave me with them,” you whispered. “Please.”  

He immediately crawled back into the bed and pulled you into his chest. It almost hurt how tightly you were holding onto him. The potion worked enough even though you didn’t drink it all. You mumbled in your sleep but no more screaming for the night. Everyone walked on eggshells while trying to act like nothing happened last night. You shuffled yourself to a spot at the table across from Remus. They noticed you changed again into one of his jumpers. You were still shivering despite the warm outfit and it being summer. Porridge was set in front of you but you couldn’t bring yourself to eat it. Grimmauld was too suffocating. You went straight there from the empty house, from the Ministry, from jail. From one dark building to another to a grim house.

“Can I go outside?” you asked as you scratched at the wooden table. It was a whisper but could easily be heard in the silence.

“What?” Moody cringed at his own voice, not intending for it to be that harsh sounding.

“Can I go outside? I haven’t been outside in so long. Can I go?”

“Door’s down the hall.”

You shook your head. This was a mean joke. Why couldn’t they just tell you yes or no? Molly went to put a hand on your shoulder.

“You don’t have to ask an—”

The table jumped when you slapped your hand down on it.

“NO! No, no, I-I-I know the ru- rules, I follow them. Ask to eat breakfast, ask to go to the bathroom, ask to eat dinner, ask to take a shower, ask to go to sleep,” you repeated the prison instructions that were ingrained into your mind. “You don’t get to move unless we say so. We control everything. Ask and no dementors. That’s the deal. You ask and no dementors. So ask for everything, you don’t move till we say yes or no. Do you understand?”

Molly pulled her hand away. “Merlin’s Beard.”

“I. Want. To go. Outside… Please. Can I go outside?”

“(Y/N)!” Remus called.

You looked up at him and then at Sirius. They watched you point in a vague direction.

“Outside,” you whispered.

“Yes, go. Have fun.”

You got up and everyone watched your hands tremble. You gave shaky pats on the head to both men.

“Thank you,” you said as you started to leave the dining room.

Harry stood up. “Auntie (Y/N), can I come with you?”

“Do you want to go outside?”

He nodded. They heard the door open but never heard it close. Sirius got up to check.

“They’re sitting in the park across the street just looking at the pond,” he said when he sat back down.

Molly looked at where your hand had been moments ago. “She scratched a tally into the wood.”

Moody stared at the dining room entryway before going back to his plate in front of him. “Merlin, they’ve destroyed her.”

Sirius sighed. “It wasn’t that hard, she wasn’t happy for very long in life. They had fourteen years to take the smallest amount of happiness they’ve ever seen. There’s nothing left.”

“That’s not the kid I remember at all, she couldn’t even smile yesterday.”

Outside, Harry sat next to you. You looked over at the boy and then back at the pond. Harry mimicked how you brought your knees up to your chest. He watched you from the corner of his eyes multiple times. You just breathed and stared at the pond, occasionally moving your eye line to the trees or the random jogger. Outside was nice. Harry watched your fingers pick at the grass under your hand. He took a chance and scooted over, dropping his head onto your shoulder. You stiffened up for a moment before lifting a hand and patting his head. It was awkward and one of the pats was a little too hard but Harry didn’t say anything about it.

“Uncle Remus said you were in Hufflepuff when you went to Hogwarts.”

You nodded.

“I’m in Gryffindor, so are Ron and Hermione.”

“That’s nice. Are they your good friends?”

“The best, I met Ron on the train…”

Harry began talking about his life at school with you. You didn’t respond much but he could tell you were listening. At some point, you stopped fidgeting and sat completely still. He figured maybe it would help if he just talked, told you about the life you should have been a part of. Remus watched from the doorway. You two were bonding quickly. When it came to feeling lonely, that was something both you and Harry could relate to. He felt like it was a new mission to protect the woman that was so ready to take care of him.

“We should go back,” you mumbled after Harry’s story of killing the basilisk.

At least, they found that horcrux and it was probably best that the snake was dead. You should’ve done it awhile ago but couldn’t. It became a safety blanket at Hogwarts, the thought that if it ever got too much that you would actually unleash the creature. You weren’t even thinking about when you had graduated and felt apologetic towards the torment it must have caused Harry and the other students during second year. However, that was how both of you discovered you had an ability to speak parseltongue. You both got up and went back to Grimmauld. Remus gave you a tight smile. You looked up at him. Every word you said was measured.

“I like outside. It’s nice. I feel… not scared?”

“Peaceful. You feel peaceful outside.”

“Yes. Peaceful. I like that feeling. I want to go outside again tomorrow.” You gave another shark smile.

“Okay,” he whispered. “Your hair, (Y/N). Let me do it for you.”

You nodded and followed him into the living room. He could’ve used magic. It all would’ve come right out in a second but you seemed touch-starved. Remus knew you were after you clung to him last night. Even in school, they left you after having sex. That was absolutely disgusting the more he thought about it. He could see how that affected you when you told them that. Pushing you over was gross. He applied a potion that would practically melt the tangles and matting out and sat you between his legs.

“Can I have a pillow?”

He handed you one to sit on. Tonks passed by the doorway to see you sigh in content as Remus gently worked his fingers through your hair. She still glared at Remus when he looked over but didn’t stomp off. She just watched for a moment longer before disappearing to wherever she was originally headed. You hummed a broken tune as he worked. Remus recognized it almost immediately— the same little lullaby he used to sing to baby Harry on random days. Even if there was no reason to sing it, he would. You had loved the little muggle song that his mother used to sing to him. The hums turned into quiet words.

“You make me happy when skies are gray, you never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

Remus’ hands stopped for a moment. How many times did you sing that song? How many times was that the only thing keeping you sane in there as they left you? Your curls slowly fell back into the spirals and coils he remembered. You sighed in relief with the tangles all gone. You looked at Remus.

“I don’t feel like Sunshine anymore… I don’t think I ever did.”

Remus helped you up and you curled into him as you two rested on the couch. He smiled at you and held you closer.

“You’re better than sunshine, sweet girl… Do you want to go shopping after lunch? Get yourself some things you like, clothes that fit.”

“I want a blanket. A soft one.”

“We’ll go buy the best blanket.”

“And that book we were supposed to finish before my last mission, I never got to. I want to buy that again.”

“Accio book.” Remus held it up. “I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it… I never finished it either.”

You cuddled into him more as Remus opened the book back to its first page. The morning had Order members coming in and out. Everyone stopped by the living room to see Remus reading aloud to you. Harry came downstairs at the start of the second chapter. He sat against the couch and listened as well, enjoying the awkward head pats you gave him every few pages of Remus’ reading. It was like you didn’t know how normal humans interacted any more but you were trying your hardest.

(Part 11)

[allywritesforfun]

Uhhh, a part 2 of the AweSamDude story. I don't know, maybe the court case would be cool! If requests arent open, then ignore them

um yes! I have wanted to make a part 2 for so long but had no clue where to start and this just makes perfect sense!

{Locked Up Heart pt 2} irl!warden!awesamdude x Reader

pronouns: were originally not mentioned, but now are she/they

word count: 2987

trigger warnings: mention/talk of rape and murder, court cases, somewhat angsty 

a/n: the law I mentioned is a real law but I can't remember what the law is actually called so roll with it

part one

masterlist

You stared at yourself in the body mirror. You haven't seen yourself look like this in years. All dressed up and ready to impress. You wore a gorgeous black suit with a purple inside along with sleek black pants. You looked into the body mirror, admiring yourself.

Sam let you live with him “until you could find your own place” but neither of you had intentions of leaving. You looked at apartments once online, but you knew with this on your record that you were going nowhere but some run down ghetto, and Sam knew that too. 

He knew that you would be able to take care of yourself there, he wasn't scared for your safety or any of that. He was scared that you wouldn't be able to support yourself. Finding a job was hard, all that there was these days for someone like you was online surveys that were not reliable.

Staying with Sam was the best of the both of you. He has been without a roommate for years now. He felt less alone with you being there. The first couple nights were awkward. You slept on the pull out couch and didn't have much clothes. You felt terrible about the amount of washes you did, but eventually you started to get more comfortable with Sam. 

The first sign of progression was when he offered you his sweatshirt instead of a blanket. It was a sweet gesture, you gladly took it. Later that night instead of returning it, you cuddled it to sleep. Now, its your version of a teddy bear. Nice and warm and flourished with Sam’s scent.

You only started sleeping in his bed with him a week ago. It was a purposeful accident. He offered to watch tv in his room since you two deep cleaned the couch. You've planned on falling asleep on him, but you didn't plan for it to be that day. 

It was the best feeling in the world: waking up to being wrapped around and held tight and safe. You must've laid there when you woke up for an hour before Sam got up. You pretended to be asleep so that you could play the innocent girl card. It worked.

You felt a pair of large hands caress your waist. You jumped and had a little fear-induced hiccup.

“Sorry!” Sam took his hands off and backed away. “I’m still getting used to sensitive areas.”

You two have been working on okay areas to touch. You taught yourself to be extra alert while in the prison and certain touches trigger your reflexes and others cause panic, like hips.

Because of your high murder count, you were sent to the normal prison, the non-all woman prison. It wasn't the worst in the world. You only saw males during eating times, but it was common to get grabbed like that. It happened to every single female, every eating hour. The guards did nothing about it, not that they really could. 

Sam has seen it before, not you, but to other women. He had an idea of areas to stay away from, but he is such an affectionate guy and sometimes he forgets.

“You’re okay, Sam. The more you do it, the more comfortable I’ll get with it,” You explained.

Sam was so good to you. He’s helped you through it all. Everything that you needed to heal, he gave to you. 

“Well then maybe after the trial we can get some practice in...” He swooned. 

You chuckled, “If we win. There’s a chance I won't come back here tonight. I’m lucky enough that they gave me stay at home orders in the meantime.”

He nodded, “We’re gonna win.” He kissed your cheek, “How could anyone that looks as scrumptious as you right now lose? There is no way. We have the evidence, and we have your perfect prison record. Not a single misdemeanor! They might not drop all chargers but you’re coming home tonight.”

“Home?” You questioned.

You've avoided that word for the longest time. You always said ‘the house’ or ‘your place’. Not because you didn’t want this to be your home, not the exact opposite. You wanted this to be forever home, but you never wanted to overstay your welcome. 

“Yes home,” Sam laughed. “Why wouldn’t this be home... you feel safe here don’t you?”

“I do!” You exclaimed, waving your hands back and forth in denial. “I just didn't realize you wanted this to be my home.”

Sam offered his hand out to you; you gladly took it. His soft hand gently squeezed yours as he pulled you slowly into him, embracing you, “Of course I want this to be your home. I couldn't imagine anywhere else I would want you to be. This never felt like home to me, until you came home with me.”

You breathed in his scent, instantly relaxing into him, “I like it here. A lot.”

He pressed his lips to your forehead, “Now have that same attitude in court, we got to go.”

The court room was filled, more than you expected. You looked around, not recognizing a single face except for a few prison guards who were testifying on both sides. You noticed the media set it up in the back. Your story hit the news faster than expected. You did have a great story: warden falls in love with murder. 

“Hands out,” The officer directed.

You obliged. You opposed no threat to anyone and no intentions too, but if putting you in handcuffs made them feel better, then handcuffs it was. You looked back at Sam as the cold metal locked around your wrists. He replied with a frown, which quickly turned into an encouraging smile.

His bipolarness was the vibe right now. You noticed people having a hard time deciding where to sit. There were a lot of people on both sides, but no family members of yours. You gave up on them a long time ago when you noticed they weren’t writing letters and ignoring your calls.

You didn't need them, all you needed was Sam. You have everything you want right now, except for freedom.

“All rise!” 

You stood up from the wooden bench. The judge walked in wearing the classic black gown and had a book in his hands. He nodded at a few of his guards before taking a seat. He opened up his book and looked around the room, landing on you.

“Good afternoon everyone, and there are a lot of you,” His voice was so deep that it bounced against the walls, making an eerie echo. “Calling the case of State Prison vs y/n. Are both sides ready?”

The representative of the prison and your lawyer both replied with a yes. The jury then stood and raised their right hand and made their oath, returning to the bench. 

The representative stood up and gave their opening statement: “Ladies and gentleman of the court, Your Honor, the Jury. You will find that the defendant has been charged with four accounts of murder and convicted by confession. The defendant has taken accountability for all the murders committed and has given detail about how she killed those four men. It is ridiculous that we are here in court today deciding if we can release a serial killer back into the public. With a strong motive to kill, there is no reason why the defendant should be let back into the public eye.”

Serial killer. That is what you are. No one has ever said it that way, but he was absolutely right. You fit the definition perfectly, you had a type and more than three victims. It already wasn't looking good for you.

Your lawyer took center stage, “A martyr is the perfect word to describe the defendant. They have given their life to the state to save the lives of many to come. The strength that my client displays and ownership prove that although they are guilty of the crimes, they are still human and deserve a second chance.”

The judge called you to take the stand. You sat down after taking your oath and folded your hands neatly in your lap.

“Miss l/n,” He started. “Today you are trying to get your case dismissed after confessing to your crimes. That is very interesting. Let’s go back to before the crimes were committed, what were you thinking, what were you doing in your life at the time?”

You shook your head, “Many years ago I was an activist. I enjoyed speaking to the public about issues facing the community and the world at the time. If I wasn't outside with a sign, I was inside posting on social media. I was in college, I was studying Political Science.”

“And what were you planning on doing with the major?”

You paused. It’s been so long that you had a hard time remembering why you wanted to study and what career you wanted, “I was planning on becoming a political journalist, Your Honor.”

He shuffled around his papers, “I’ve looked at your latest credit that you were working on. It was a Sociology class. Do you remember what topic you were discussing in class?”

You nodded, “Rape. The number of rapes in a year and the number of rapists convicted was the last assignment I was working on.”

You remember that assignment like it was yesterday. That one assignment got you so worked up and so mad at the world, that you just had to do something. There was no way that you couldn't. Women’s voices were being ignored and cases rose every day; repeat offenders increased everyday.

“Now to my understanding all the men that you murdered were accused of rape.”

You nodded, “Yes, Your Honor.”

“The attorney may ask questions to Miss l/n.”

The attorney stood up and adjusted your jacket, “Miss l/n, did any of those men physically harm you?”

You shook your head, “No.”

“So you took advantage of the fact that you were young to persuade the men into being alone with you just to kill them?”

You shook your head, “No, I didn’t persuade them at all. All of them suggested going back to their place.”

“But you did stalk them to find out where they were going?”

“No,” You answered. “They had their location public on their phone. All I did was look up their name and I knew where they were.”

“So these men did nothing to you at all except invite you over to their house. And you accepted the offer under no influence or threat. You killed four innocent men and you want to be let back out on the streets? This woman is a danger to society. She seeks out innocent men to end their life for no reason.” He nodded his head and went back to his desk, looking at his notes. He looked back at you and nodded, “That will conclude my questioning.”

You looked back at your lawyer, they gave you back a look of relief. Then you searched the crowd for Sam. Once you found him he gave you a thumbs up. It seemed like you were already on top of the case.

“Miss y/n,” Your lawyer started. “We all know that you killed those men, but why?”

“They raped multiple women. When brought to court, they were given a light sentence and did not do proper justice to the woman. These woman went day to day fearing for their life that they ever spoke out about the terrible things that happened to them. I couldn't let myself live knowing that there was a reason for women to be scared because their government had failed them.”

“Those women were scared? Why were they scared?” “Because they feared that they would get raped again. All of those men were repeat offenders. They would only take more victims and never be punished.”

“So you killed those men to prevent others from being hurt with evidence that it would happen again.”

You nodded, “I would never hurt anyone that had no intentions of causing harm.”

“Miss l/n just described public defense. Under the public defense law, anyone can defend the public with reasonable cause. It’s like self-defense, but for others. She shouldn’t have been committed in the first place. If those men were still alive, they would have kept raping until they were killed. Miss y/n saved lives. That concludes my questioning.”

You were dismissed from the stand and went back by your lawyer. They smiled at you, knowing that with that alone, they had won the case.

The attorney called Sam to the stand; he took his oath and sat down.

“So, Sam. You were the warden in charge of the wing that Miss y/n was being held in?”

“Yes.”

“That prison is a tough place to be, she must’ve fussed around a lot.”

Sam shook his head, “Not one bit. She does not have a single complaint against her. Everything that was asked of her, she did with speed and efficiency. She didn't have one lash out in her time.”

“Nothing at all?”

“Like I said, not one complaint.”

“To my understanding you have a relationship with Miss l/n, is that correct?”

“Objection!” Your lawyer yelled. “Irrelevant to the case. Sam was called because of his position and his professional opinion, not his personal life.”

“Sustained.”

“That concludes my questioning.”

Your lawyer stood up and nodded. You could feel that they were about to lay down the last blow.

“Sam, did this prison have any rapists?”

He nodded, “All kinds of rapists, of all ages and target groups.”

“Did Miss l/n ever have contact with these rapists?”

“Yes. Most of the time during eating hours and the occasional passing in the hall.”

“And how did that interaction go?”

“Miss l/n was given a hard time by these rapists. While waiting in line she was often sexually grabbed. During passing she was cat called and teased at.”

“And what was here response to the sexual assault?”

“Stone faced, emotionless. Every time it happened it amazed me how she would just stand there and wait to be given a direction. The most reaction she’s ever had was lightly shuffling her body to get them off, but she never lunged or reached at them.”

“And what did the other guards do when they noticed this behavior?”

“Nothing. Sometimes they yelled if it was getting close to rape, but overall nothing. We were under instructions not to react because in the past it only caused encouragement of the assault. Prisoners love any excuse to fight a guard,” Sam looked over at you. “I am so sorry that there was nothing I could’ve done. Everyday I watched as you were touched and I wanted to give it to them, I wanted to make sure that I would see them every day of their life, but I couldn't. I couldn't risk hurting you more.”

You smiled, almost tearing up at his words, but you kept yourself composed with a small sniffle.

“The main concern of Miss y/n going back into the public is that she will kill again. As said by her and concluded by a court, she only killed rapists,” Your lawyer pointed out. “As stated by the warden in charge of looking over her, she had the opportunity to kill. She had the opportunity to hurt them, but she never took it. Even after being sexually assaulted, she still kept to herself. This is undeniable evidence that Miss y/n is a changed woman. In her file it is stated that she did more than required community service and went above and beyond with helping other cellmates. Her actions within the prison prove that she is a well-rounded and caring individual. She has changed her ways and is ready to go back into the world. She did justice to the world and it is time for the world to her justice.”

You waited anxiously for over an hour to find out what the jury had decided. You and your lawyer talked about possible outcomes. They told you the sooner they made the decision, the better chances that you had. You had no error in your case and said everything that you wanted to say. The opposing side’s evidence was all proven false.

You got called back into the court, the jury had made their final decision. You rose for the judge and took a seat when prompted. You could feel your leg bouncing.

“In the case of the State Prison vs l/n...” the judge started. You looked over your shoulder at Sam. He had his hands placed in a praying position with his head resting against them. “Miss y/n is found not guilty of all charges and her remaining sentence will be dismissed. She will compensated for her time falsely spent in prison plus be rewarded another trial for her sexual assault. This case is adjourned.”

You could feel emotion flood through you. Pure happiness and joy leaked from your eyes. You tilted your head back in relief and squeezed at your heart. All of these years of the bullshit you put up with was all worth it. You hugged your lawyer and thanked them up and down, the emotion so strong in you that you almost dropped to your knees. You were caught by familiar hands: Sam. Sam pulled you up and into him. He was practically jumping up and down in excitement. He calmed down for a second to lock eyes with you. He couldn't help but smile and cry with you. He placed his hands on your cheeks and pulled you into a deep kiss. It was nothing extravagant, just a simple deep and meaningful kiss that said all the words that he wanted to say.

“I’m coming home!”

[imaginesbyabi]

Positive

Summary: The reader has some news, how will Cisco take it? 

Pairing: Cisco Ramon x Reader (The Flash)

Word Count: 852

Notes: This one-shot was requested by an anon, asking for the prompts “Oh God, I need a drink” (193), “You’d be a great dad” (58), and “I’m pregnant (39). I believe this is one of the first requests that I’ve done, and I hope I did the request justice! This was a little bit more angsty at the beginning than I aimed for, but I hope the ending was fluffy enough for your liking :D

Warnings: Pregnancy.

The tile of the bathroom floor felt cold as you sat upon it, spine resting uncomfortably against the hard wooden door. Impatience left you tapping nervously, wishing that the results of the silly piece of white plastic would just hurry up. The five minutes gave you plenty of time to think about how to tell the man that had wormed his way into your heart, yet as the timer on your phone went off you couldn’t help but swallow down the heavy feeling in your throat. Were you ready for this?

Pulling yourself off the floor, you took in a huge gulp of air, eyes closed so tightly that when you opened them there were little swirls of bright white in your vision. The test laid flat upside down on the bathroom counter, your fingers trembled as you flipped it over - holding in the last breath of oxygen you had taken in. 

Positive.

Laughter bubbled from your chest, unsure how to react. You weren’t ready for this? Were you? The idea of having a mini version of you or Cisco was pleasant in theory, but in practice, who knew what could happen? 

“Y/N, you in there?” Cisco knocked from the other side of the bathroom door. You looked up into the mirror, wiping away tears that you hadn’t even noticed dripping down your face. You wondered how Cisco would react, swiping the test from the counter and hiding it in your sleeve as you opened the door. 

“I think we should talk,” you murmured and pulled him to sit on the bed that you had been sharing in your combined apartment for the last year and a bit. The idea of having a baby became more pleasant the longer you pondered on it, yet the nerves of how Cisco would react had thrown a real spanner in the plans you two had developed. 

“What?! What happened? Did I do something wrong, are we breaking up?” Cisco rambled nervously as the two of you sat, you shook your head insisting for him to be quiet for a moment. Slowly, you showed him the pregnancy you had taken not even 10 minutes prior - the bright pink plus sign now visible. 

His big brown eyes widened, “you’re pregnant!”

“I’m pregnant.” 

He chuckled nervously, the panic obvious on his face as yours dropped. The image of the two of you growing old together and settling down with a few kids had dissipated from your mind. 

“We’re going to have a baby,” he deadpanned. The slight nod of your head had satiated his nerves, body quickly shooting up from the bed. “Oh God, I need a drink.”

You hadn’t even managed to get a word in before he had disappeared from the apartment entirely, leaving you to sit alone on the bed you shared with him. It felt like time had come to a stand-still, hearing the front door shutting abruptly and the walls shake from the force. 

The tears you managed to swallow prior now working their way back, face warm with embarrassment and fear. Cisco left, you kept repeating to yourself as the sobs wreaked havok throughout your entire body. 

It had felt like forever before he had returned home, several bags in hand of things you couldn’t tell. He gently shut the bedroom door, noticing you hadn’t moved a single inch since he had left a few hours prior - eyes softening with love and adoration as you turned your head to look him in the eye.

“I got some stuff from the store, there weren't many places open so this will obviously have to do for now,” he started. His hands worked quickly in taking things out of the shopping bags. One by one, baby onesies in multiple sizes were revealed, alongside books related to parenting and birth, baby toys and more. 

You glanced up at him, the excitement on his face as he rambled about what the baby would be like had quickly turned your fear and abandonment into strong feelings of pride and love, something that you had built your relationship upon almost two years ago. 

Cisco pushed his hair back behind his ear, watching you nervously as you stared at him. Suddenly, you pulled him into you, crushing him with a hug and smothering him with kisses across his entire face. “We’re going to have a baby.”

A huge smile worked its way upon both of your faces, his arms wrapping around you and pulling you into a position that you could both comfortable lay down in, the love shared between you had grown - the image of growing old old together and settling down with kids had returned to your mind and you laughed with anticipation of what the years had to come. 

“You’re going to be a great dad,” you whispered to him, cuddling into his chest further as you both stared at the ceiling with fond imaginations. You hoped your child would have his appearance, his hair and nose and smile, and every little detail you loved about his face. 

“And you’re going to be a great mother,” he reassured.

[supernovafics]

𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘 𝐋𝐈𝐄 𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇

pairing: tom holland x fem!reader

summary: in which tom is your ex-boyfriend and a night in vegas for your mutual friend’s birthday leads to a surprising drunk confession

warnings: explicit language, drunkenness, so much angst, (italicized means flashback)

word count: 2.9k

author’s note: first time ever posting any kind of writing on here but i’m actually very proud of this so i hope you all enjoy! things gets berry berry angsty and sad in this so i’m sorry in advance </3

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Against your many drunken protests, the night was coming to an end. You did not want to leave the club you were in along with Zendaya and the friends she invited, so you pouted at the girl, knowing that since this whole Vegas trip had been for her birthday, she would be able to make everyone stay.

“Come on, Z. We should all have a couple more drinks,” You told her, words coming out slightly slurred, showing how inebriated you were.

“No way, Y/N. I think you’ve had enough drinks for the night,” Zendaya responded, and instead of verbally responding to her, you simply pouted again.

You felt upset that you had to leave, but the tiniest part of you that was sober knew you would thank her in the morning for making you do so.

Zendaya turned her attention to Tom, who was sitting at the table that the group of friends had been occupying for most of the night. “Tom, since you and Y/N are staying at the same hotel, can you make sure she gets back to her room okay?”

Tom turned his gaze away from his phone and nodded at Zendaya’s request. He looked at where you were now standing by the bar, animatedly talking and laughing with Jacob and Harrison. Seeing how happy you looked with them reminded Tom of the situation the two of you were in.

For the past two days of this Vegas trip, you both had barely spoken any words to each other. This avoidance wasn’t necessarily purposeful, it was just something that happened, and it honestly made sense. With the way things ended between you two, there was bound to be some lingering awkward tension, especially since this was the first time you guys had been in the same vicinity of each other since the breakup, which happened a little over six months ago.

Neither of you hated the other, but you definitely weren’t going to initiate anything more than some simple small talk.

However, tonight was much different than the past two days in Vegas had been. You were drunk, and anytime you were in this intoxicated state, you became overly friendly and a little too honest, a mixture that almost always led to some type of disaster.

• • •

The beginning of the elevator ride up to your floor was fairly quiet until you started drunkenly rambling to Tom, acting as if there wasn’t any awkward tension between the two of you. It was mainly because the drunk version of you gave zero fucks about the awkwardness that had been lingering for so long.

“We should’ve stayed for just one more drink. It would have been really fun,” You said to him, grinning widely as you leaned back against the wall of the elevator. Tom was standing right next to you. He had been like this the entire way to the hotel just in case you tripped or anything else; he had seen you drunk enough times before to know some of your usual mannerisms.

“You’re already pretty drunk, though,” Tom responded, chuckling lightly.

Even though his words were true, you still gasped, offended. “No, I’m not!”

Once again, Tom laughed, and the sound made your heart simultaneously flutter and ache.

His laugh was your favorite thing about him, not only the soft and happy sound of it but the way his mouth turned up in a wide smile as he did so too. And hearing that oh-so-familiar laugh right then made you realize that this was the first time you’ve heard it in a while, and it also made you desperately want to listen to it again.

“I still love your laugh so much,” You told him, knowing you would not have said that if you were any hint of sober.

As the words spilled from your lips, you noticed the corner of Tom’s mouth perk up the tiniest bit in a smile. “And this honesty is how I know you’re very drunk right now.”

You rolled your eyes, and a full smile took over your features. “I didn’t see you drink at all tonight.”

Tom simply shrugged. “Wasn’t really in the mood.”

The grey elevator doors then opened up to the nineteenth floor before you could say anything in response to Tom’s statement. Both you and he exited the elevator, and you began walking in the direction of your hotel room. That was until you noticed that none of the numbers was the one for your room, and instead of the room numbers on the doors decreasing to the one that was yours, they were actually increasing.

“Wait, fuck. We’re going the wrong way.” You quickly turned around and started walking in the opposite direction. The abrupt action caused you to trip over absolutely nothing but your own feet. Tom attempted to reach for you, but you hit the ground before he could even get the chance to grab your arm.

“Shit, you okay, Y/N?” Tom asked as he knelt down next to you.

You nodded at his question as you laughed a bit and sat up on the carpeted floor, crossing your legs under you. “I’m okay. Can we actually sit here for a sec? The floor is pretty comfortable.”

Tom smiled amusingly at your drunken actions and proceeded to sit down across from you on the carpeted floor of the hallway.

It was quiet for a few moments, and things mainly consisted of you silently admiring his face and him attempting to decipher what you were thinking.

“How are you and Lily?” You asked him. The question randomly came to mind, and before you could stop it from coming out of your mouth, it was blurted.

To say Tom was confused about your words would be an understatement. He hadn’t posted anything about his new relationship yet since it was still slightly recently, and he was nowhere near ready to do so. When you two were together, it took over ten months until you both decided to “go public” with your relationship.

“We’re good,” He answered after his brief moment of confusion. “I didn’t even know that you know about Lily and me.”

Your shoulders lifted in a simple shrug. “I was talking to Harrison about a month ago, and he accidentally mentioned it.”

That conversation was something you remembered all too well. Specifically, the bittersweetness you felt when Harrison told you that Tom was with someone new. You knew that it was a good thing, and overall you were happy for him, but you couldn’t help but feel the tiniest twinge of sadness, knowing that Tom being in a new relationship meant that things were truly over for the two of you.

The thought made you feel a thousand times more upset than you knew you would’ve felt if you were sober. And it also made you feel like an idiot because you were the one who ended things all those months ago, so you shouldn’t be feeling sad at all. But if you considered the circumstances which made you end things, your emotions entirely made sense.

“Hey, are you okay?” Tom was quick to notice how upset you looked, and his voice was full of concern.

God, now you absolutely hated the fact that you were drunk. It made the tears that were threatening to spill from your eyes feel uncontrollable.

You ultimately swallowed back the tears and sad thoughts, letting your drunken mind roam to a place that was much less depressing. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just— Nevermind. Hey, do you remember that time we went to Disney and became completely obsessed with the churros? I swear we both had like five that day.”

You had no idea how your mind brought you to thinking about and bringing up that story, especially because it was something you hadn’t thought about in forever. But the memory always made you laugh, just as you were doing right then.

Tom laughed too as he nodded his head. “That feels like it happened so long ago, but yeah, I remember that. Honestly, I’d go back to Disneyland just for the churros.”

The more you thought about that memory, the more you missed those times with Tom. It made you wonder if he missed that as well. Does he miss me too?

Even though you were drunk, your brain was smart enough not to ask that question. However, it was sadly not smart enough to stop you from saying the next thing you said.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

Once again, a confused expression took over Tom’s features. He had no idea where you were going with your question, but he still nodded his head, quite curious about what you were going to tell him. “Sure,” He said along with the nod.

You leaned a tad bit closer toward Tom and dropped your voice to a whisper. “Sometimes I wish that I didn’t lie to you at the airport by saying I wouldn’t do the same for you, which was basically me saying that I didn't love you. Because I really did love you.”

Your softly spoken words lingered in the air between you and Tom for many moments after they fell from your lips.

If you somehow remembered what you just told him in the morning, the smallest part of you that was sober knew that you would completely regret the confession you made.

However, you were unsure if you’d regret the confession more than the actual lie you had told Tom all those months ago; because that was something that the deepest part of you regretted every day.

• • •

The next time you two would see each other was very uncertain. Tom was getting on a plane to London, which was what led you to drive him to LAX, and it was a flight that you would’ve taken with him if there weren’t some things you needed to handle in Los Angeles for the next week.

You were both pretty good at making set plans on when you would see each other next, especially considering how busy your schedules could always be. But, this time was much different. A photography job was going to be taking you to New Zealand for the next six months, and Tom was going to start filming a new movie in Canada in a couple of weeks. It felt like your lives were moving in two completely different directions.

You had known that fact for a long time, but you loved him so much that you always pushed away all of those doubts and worries that would flood your mind.

The past week was when you finally decided to stop. You couldn’t halt the thoughts that took over your brain, and quite frankly, you didn’t want to. Mainly because of how much sense they made. Both of your respective careers were exponentially growing, with your nature photography becoming more recognized and Tom receiving more acting jobs. And those facts were something that you knew would only continuously draw the two of you farther and farther apart.

“So, I’ll see you soon?” Tom’s questioning words pulled you out of your thoughts, and you turned to look at him as he began gathering his things from your car, knowing that the drop-off point you had to park in front of didn’t allow for too long goodbyes.

You were quiet for a few moments, having absolutely no idea how you wanted to word your next statement. Tom looked over at you with curious and hopeful eyes, and that expression made what you knew you had to say feel a million times harder.

“I don’t know,” You finally said, the words coming out soft and almost too quiet, but Tom was still able to hear them.

His eyebrows furrowed in immediate confusion, and he stopped his actions of attempting to make sure everything was in his carry-on backpack. “What do you mean?”

“Next week I’m going to New Zealand for six months, and you’re going to film in Canada. And then after that, there are probably just gonna be more jobs that will push us further away from each other. Our lives are moving in two completely different directions, Tom.” Your words came out rushed, but that didn’t change how true they were.

“We know how to make things work, though. We just had to do a long period of long-distance a few months ago when I had to be in France for a month, and you were here, and we made it through that,” Tom told you, and there was that hopeful look again, making your heart lurch the longer you looked at him.

You pulled your eyes away from him and turned your attention downward for a brief moment. “Yes, we did, but it was still so hard, and we both knew it. And even then, we at least had a set date when we knew we would see each other again. Right now, we have absolutely no clue, and it’s just going to continue to get harder.”

Tom wanted to rebuttal your statement, but he didn’t know the exact thing to say right then, so instead, he opted for the dreaded question, “So what does that mean for us?”

A beat of silence went by before you answered him with, “I think we both know what that means.”

“Just say it, Y/N,” Tom said, and you could already see the hurt that was brimming behind his features. It made you hate the fact that you'd become able to read him so well. You turned your gaze away from him and instead focused your eyes on the Nevada license plate of the car that was in front of you.

This was it. There was nothing more you could do to tread around the words that had to be said.

“I think it would be best if we broke up.”

Silence prevailed in the small space of your car for what felt like hours but was actually just barely a minute. A car honking from behind you put an end to the quiet, and you finally turned to look at Tom.

“You should go. You’re gonna miss your flight.” The fact that you were still processing the last words that you just said to Tom made your voice sound distant and quiet.

Tom was quick to shake his head. “I don’t care about the flight right now. You can not expect me to give up on us so easily, Y/N.”

You didn’t know what to respond to him with, so instead, you just gave him the smallest shrug.

“I love you. We can figure everything out and make it all work,” Tom told you. “If there are times where I need to give up an acting job to make sure that we’re not away from each other for months at a time, then I’ll do it. I really don’t need to take on every role that is offered to me, and I won’t if that means I don’t have to lose you.”

You knew exactly how true those words were, and that was what scared you. In a heartbeat, Tom would give up any acting job if that meant he would get to spend more time with you, and you would do the exact same for him. However, you knew that that was not a good thing. You had always been someone that thought about things long-term, and you knew that regret would eventually spur from both ends if the two of you continuously did that, and that regret would lead to resentment. That was exactly what you did not want to happen.

Once again, you were quiet, not responding to his words with anything, so Tom took that as his cue to continue on, saying something that almost mimicked your previous thoughts. “I know you’d do the same for me too, Y/N. We love each other so much.”

You did love Tom so much, sometimes maybe even too much. And you also knew that he loved you the same amount too; it was a fact that was easily confirmed from the current pleading look in his eyes. However, as much as it hurt, you knew exactly what you needed to do.

“No,” You said with the slightest shake of your head. You took a shallow breath and disconnected your eyes from Tom’s before you finished off your sentence. “I wouldn’t do the same for you.”

There was no need to look at Tom to gather his reaction to your words because you had a strong feeling what it was. Hurt and heartbreak. And that was something that you really did not want to see.

The sound of a car honking again behind you broke the growing silence again, and Tom took that as his cue to finally exit your car. He said nothing to you as he slung his bookbag over his shoulder, grabbed his suitcase from the backseat, and then headed into the airport.

You had just told him something that was a complete and utter lie, and as much as you wanted to chase after him and tell him that your statement had been just that, you didn’t. As you watched his figure become smaller and smaller as he continued inside the expansive airport, you noticed that he did not turn to look back at you once. That was what let you know that the damage was done.

Your heart hurt like hell right then, a completely self-inflicted wound, but you knew that in the long run, your actions would prove to be the right thing. The pain from it all would ease up eventually.

• • •

Tom had absolutely no idea what to say in response to your confession. He was beyond confused and had no idea if you were even telling the truth; he honestly hoped that you weren’t.

That day at the airport was fucking heartbreaking for him, and if it actually had all been just a lie, he wouldn’t know how to feel.

Before he could utter any type of response to your previous words, your drunken mind moved to a completely different place, disregarding everything that had come out of your mouth less than a minute ago.

“I’m really tired,” You said and stood up from the cross-legged position you were in on the floor so that you could start heading to your hotel room.

Tom wordlessly followed suit, and less than a minute later, the two of you were standing in front of your door. You pulled your key card from your pocket and managed to unlock the door after receiving some help from Tom. Using the card was something that had already been slightly difficult to do sober, so adding your drunkenness to the table did not make it any easier.

When the door was opened, you began to step inside the room, but you stopped when you decided to pull Tom in for a hug. He felt completely awkward and tense at the action, but that was something that you didn’t at all notice due to your inebriated state.

“Goodnight, Tommy,” You said to him once you pulled back from the embrace. The nickname you used to always call him, slipping out way too easily.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Tom responded, forcing out a small smile. His mind was still completely stuck on your drunk confession, and he knew that he would be thinking about it all night.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

let me know your thoughts! <33

[tinyboxxtink]

"Broken" A Sharky ANGSTY O/S

So I made a one shot called Baby Shark where Sharky and Rafael get pregnant and after some bumpy conversation, decide to have the baby and she grows up to be a great kid, and you love being a mother.

However, at the time I also had an idea for the OTHER outcome of the pregnancy. But I let it go, and then I got a request from-- someone, I don't know if they want this out in the world-- to write a fic about a miscarriage. So, I figured I'd go with the idea I had already planned out.

AND SO,

I present to you, the alternative outcome of "Baby Shark".

Warning: VERY angsty, dealing with abortions and miscarriages. Also religion, if you're sensitive about that.

Read at your own discretion.

If you would like to read the happy version of this story, it is here.

Tag List

@objection-argumentative

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@word-scribbless

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

You stared at the four pregnancy tests on the counter, waiting on the fifth. Plus signs and “Pregnant” words were sitting there, mocking you. You heard your phone alarm go off and picked up the last test.

Positive.

“Dammit!!!” You threw it across the bathroom. This was your worst nightmare. You didn’t want kids right now, you weren’t sure you wanted kids EVER. But you knew Rafael did, he probably wanted them as soon as possible.

“Mi Amor?” Rafael slowly opened the door.

“Raffi!” You spun around angrily. “Don’t you knock?!”

“Well I heard you yell…Oh my god,” Rafael suddenly noticed all the positive tests. “Y/N, are you…are you pregnant?”

“Yeah, well obviously,” You scoffed, gesturing to the many positive tests. You weren’t trying to be mean but he walked in just when you were trying to wrap your mind around this.

“…Why are you angry about this, carino?” He looked at you confused. “You…you do want kids, don’t you?”

“We really should have had this conversation before we got married, god why didn’t we have this conversation…”

“Oh my god,” Rafael stepped back. “You DON’T want kids?”

“I don’t know!” You threw your hands up. “Rafael I had given up on being a wife a long time ago, let alone a mother,”

“I can’t believe this,” He shook his head in disbelief.

“Look I just don’t want to have to make this decision right NOW,” You tried to act softer, lowering your voice. “You know we JUST got married, and we JUST started the practice. I just wanted some time to BREATHE,”

“So…you want to abort it?” Rafael’s voice was soft and sad.

“Christ Almighty Rafael it’s not ‘aborting’ it’s…” You paused, noticing his face was getting more horrified. “What?”

“I thought when you were defending me, your whole ‘cold medical’ argument was a tactic…”

“Yeah well,” You ran your fingers through your hair. “Look, baby,” You took his hand again. “If I…got rid of it,” You saw him flinch. “It would just be taking a pill that rips apart cells and tissue. It doesn’t disintegrate arms or legs, or a tiny beating heart,”

“Yeah I get it, Y/N” He dropped your hands and walked out of the bathroom, you ran after him.

“Rafael, come on!” You chased him through the apartment, grabbing his hand and making him face. “At least hear me out,”

“Why? Why should I? You clearly won’t hear me out! You’ve already made your decision, I bet you weren’t even going to tell me about it,”

“That’s not fair,” You replied, hurt. Of course you would have told him, wouldn’t you?

“And…it’s not just this,” He sighed, looking up at the ceiling.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, if you don’t want kids right now is one thing, if you don’t want kids EVER, then…” He wiped his eyes. “Then we’re just delaying the inevitable,” He said softly, you could hear the tears in his voice.

“What?” Your heart fell into your stomach. “What are you saying?”

“I want kids, Y/N,” He looked at you very seriously. “I want kids and I’m not going to give up that idea,”

“So, you would just walk away from me for some hypothetical kids you might have some day?” You were getting upset now. How dare he threaten you like that.

“I don’t…” He ran his hands through his hair, tears still falling from his eyes. “I don’t want to,”

“Then DON’T,” You crossed your arms.

“Why should I appease you when you won’t even THINK about it?” He suddenly went from sad to angry, matching your attitude.

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t think about it, I said I really don’t want to decide NOW,” You yelled back, as you sat down on the couch. All of this yelling was making you dizzy.

“Then when do you want to decide, Y/N? When-- when our baby actually has fingers, toes? Is that going to change your mind about killing them?”

“Oh my god, you are so--” You stomped out of the bathroom and through your living room.

“Where are you going?” He called after you.

“To prove to you I’m not a heartless bitch!” You yelled back as you stormed out, slamming the door behind you.

=====

You drove to the clinic that Dr. Ramoray worked at, pulling into the parking lot and rushed into the waiting room.

“I need to speak to Dr. Ramoray,“ You informed her.

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No, but we’re old friends,”

“Excuse me?” She looked at you quizzically.

“Can you-- can you just tell him Y/N is here and really needs to talk to him?”

“....Okay…” She looked at you skeptically but stood up and went to find the doctor. After a few minutes Dr. Ramoray walked out and greeted you.

“Hello, Y/N. Nice to see you,” He shook your hand. “Don’t tell me you have another case--”

“No, it’s personal this time doctor,”

“Personal?”

“I...can we…?” You motioned towards the rooms.

“Well...sure, Stella hold my appointments,” He informed his receptionist.

He walked you back and into a patient room. It was lined with charts of the different stages of pregnancy, lists of do’s and don’t during pregnancy, things like that. You took a seat in the regular seats as opposed to the patient stirrups.

“So, how can I help you dear?”

“Well, you know that man I defended?”

“The ADA? Well of course, that’s one day I will never forget,”

“Well he’s my-- husband,” You looked down, hoping that wasn’t a lie.

“I see,” He nodded. “Well, that makes a lot of sense now that I think about it,”

“Right,” You nodded sheepishly. “Well, see we uh-- I got us in a...situation,” You put a hand on your stomach.

“Ah,” He nodded again. “I see,”

“Yeah..”

“And guessing by your argument in court, you’d like to get rid of the...zygote?”

“I don’t know,” You shook your head. “I...I didn’t have the greatest role mode of a mother growing up, and I have no idea how to--” You rubbed your temples. Too much detail.

“Look my husband has the opposite stance on my...views, of a zygote,”

“Well that’s ironic, isn’t it?” He chuckled.

“Yes haha. I just want you--- I just need a picture of this thing to show him it’s just cells, it’s not a--”

“A baby,” he finished for you.

“Right,”

“Well, as you must know due to your research Ms. Y/N, depending on how far along you are it might be impossible to even see the zygote,” He explained.

“Well that’s even better,” You half smiled. “Then it will really prove to him I’m doing nothing wrong-- if I decide to get rid of it,”

“As you wish,” He nodded, gesturing for you to get on the patient table. You laid down on the table and pulled your shirt up, while the doctor got the gooey gel and rubbed it on your stomach. He pulled up a screen that recorded the sonogram, as he ran the scanner over your uterus.

“....Hmm…” He studied the screen intently.

“Hmmm?” You asked. “Hmmm doesn’t sound good,”

“I...well, there seems to be an...issue,”

“Excuse me?” You sat up. “An issue? What kind of issue?”

“Well Ms. Y/N according to this, your uterus is what we would call-- hostile,”

“Hostile?” You half laughed. “Why does that not surprise me…?” You shook your head. Of course you, the cold hearted shark, would have a hostile uterus on top of everything else hostile in your body.

“Yes, see all of this extra tissue? It’s not ideal for a fetus to grow and develop,” He pointed out clouds of white almost filling your uterus. “To be completely honest with you, it’s a miracle you even got pregnant,”

“...Oh Jesus…” You put your hands over your face. “Why...God why…”

“If you decide to terminate this pregnancy, there’s a slim to none chance this will ever happen again,” He continued.

“Great,” You chuckled sarcastically. “So now even NATURE is forcing me to make a choice right now,”

“Well,” He pushed the screen away. “If it helps your decision, there’s an 75% percent chance the baby will even survive full term,”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” You laughed harder. “So, even if I decide to concede to my husband and go ahead with this, there’s a 25% chance that he’ll get attached to it, and then it will die anyway?!”

“Look Ms. Y/N,” He put a hand on your shoulder. “In my experience, more often than not women with hostile uteruses that do actually get pregnant, end up having perfectly healthy babies. Granted most are preemies, but with today’s technology that’s almost never an issue,”

“...Right,” You shook your head with a dry sarcastic smile, still in disbelief this was all happening.

“And if you don’t mind me saying,” He added. “I really think this is something you should discuss with your husband,”

“I actually really do mind you saying, Doctor,” You said curtly. “I just...I need a minute, can I have a minute?”

“Sure, take a minute. Call him, maybe ask him to come down,”

“...Yeah, right,” You shook your head with a smile as you walked out of the room and down the hall through the waiting room and outside in front of the clinic. You walked over to a small bench off to the side of the walkway into the clinic and sat down, and before you could think your body just erupted in a loud, angry scream.

“....Do you think this is funny, huh?!” You yelled up at the sky. “Is this, what is this, some kind of TEST?” You stood up now as you continued your rant.

“Are you-- are you trying to test how much I love Rafael? Testing just how much I’ve REALLY changed? Or are you just trying to prove to me that I can’t be happy? I can’t have the nice, perfect man, with a perfect family? That I’ll just lose anything good that I touch? You’ve turned my own BODY against me?!” You started to cry in the middle of the grass.

“Why would you do this, huh?” You asked Him. “You know the kind of mother I grew up with, you know I have nothing GOOD to reference on being a mother!” Tears streamed down your cheeks.

“Why would you do this to me? Have I been that shit of a person? Really? I went through...I went through hell and back my entire life, and then I fought like hell for Rafael, for someone who actually loved me, for the very first time in my life! And now-- now you want to take that away from me? Or are you giving me a second chance? TELL ME! TELL ME WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!!!!” You screamed, falling to your knees sobbing.

“....Y/N?” A soft voice made you leap to your feet and spin around to see Rafael standing there, his mouth slightly open with a confused look on his face.

“Rafa,” You quickly sucked the rest of your breakdown back into your body, wiping tears away and clearing your throat. “W-What are you doing here?”

“I...I came to support you,” He said softly as he walked closer to you.

“Support me?”

“Well I figured, you came down here to--”

“To what, kill our baby? Without even discussing with you?” You scoffed.

“No!” He cried. “Well, maybe..”

“Right,” You shook your head with a dry laugh.

“But I was going to support you no matter your decision!!” He defended himself.

“Oh well, that’s really big of you Rafael. Coming down here to hold my hand while I abort our child and then breaking up with me as soon as we walked out of here,” You scoffed with a roll of your eyes.

“That’s not--” He shook his head. “Look, I think-- I think that what matters right now is your little...soliloquy there,” He gestured towards the bench where you were having your screaming match at God.

“...Right,”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me about your mother, carino?”

“Why would I, Rafael?” You rolled your eyes with a laugh. “I already inadvertently told you I’d never heard the words ‘I love you’ in my life before you, I thought that was pretty obvious I didn’t have the greatest parents,”

“...Fair,” He closed the gap between you, taking your hands. “I’m sorry, I should have taken that into account when were...talking,”

“Arguing,” You clarified.

“Right,” He nodded sadly. “I just-- I ...I’ve always--”

“Yeah, I get it. You’ve always wanted kids. I should have taken that into account when we even started dating. I should have thought this could happen. I’m usually so level headed and ten steps ahead of things, but with you--”

“It’s different,” He finished for you with a sad smile.

“Yeah,” You nodded softly, looking at the ground.

“Well,” He tilted your chin up. “I don’t--I don’t want to impose anything on you, but--”

“But…”

“But...you did just ask the big guy what to do, and I was here,”

“...So you’re saying, God is telling me to go through with this?”

“All I’m stating is facts, Sharky,” He rubbed your cheek with his thumb. “I’m not telling you to do anything, I’m really not. I swear,”

“....Well, you should know all the facts then,” You sighed, leading him back to the bench where you both sat.

“All the facts?” He asked you curiously.

“...Dr. Ramoray says that I have a…’hostile uterus’,” You shook your head with a laugh, just saying it sounded absurd.

“A hostile uterus? You? I’m shocked,” He joked, trying to ease the tension.

“I know right?” You chuckled. “Anyway um-- he said, that it was a miracle I even got pregnant,” You said softly while you played with his hand in yours.

“...A miracle?”” Rafael’s voice perked up a little. Did that mean you were considering it? Surely you wouldn’t have told him that if you were going to get rid of it.

“Yeah,” You nodded. “And um-- he said, he said if I terminated this pregnancy, there was a slim to none chance that I’d ever get pregnant again,” You looked at the ground.

“I see,” He squeezed your hand softly. “So...basically, even mother nature is forcing you to make a life decision right now,”

“That’s what I said!” You looked up into his eyes; you really were so in sync.

“...Which is why you were yelling at God,”

“...Right,” You looked up at the sky. “But there’s another thing,”

“Oh?”

“The doctor said that even if I decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, there’s a 25% chance that it will die anyway,” You looked into his eyes sadly. “Because of course, my body would be just like my mother, rejecting it,” You looked away from him with another sarcastic laugh, thinking of the irony of your situation.

“Hey,” He put a hand on your face, making you look at him. “You are NOT your mother,”

“You didn’t even know her,”

“I know she wouldn’t be wrestling with this decision, would she?”

“No,” You shook your head. “She definitely would not. She made it very clear that my father MADE her have me, because he didn’t believe in abortion,”

“....Like I was trying to do,” He said sadly.

“No baby,” You took his hands. “I know you weren’t trying to force me to do anything,”

“....But I kind of was, when I threatened to leave you,” He looked down in shame.

“No, uh uh,” Now it was your turn to pull his chin upwards. “It’s not the same. Not even close,”

“....So,” He took a deep breath. “Have you decided what you’re going to do?”

“....Well,” You gave him a small smile. “I can’t exactly argue with God for giving me what I asked for, right?”

“Wha--you mean me?”

“I asked him what to do, and here you are,” You pressed your forehead against his. “I’d say that’s a pretty big red flag of an answer,”

“Carino,” His lips curled into a huge smile before they were on yours.

-----------------

----Six Months Later----

You were in your last trimester, and were finally starting to breathe about your impending labor. Every month, every doctor’s appointment, you’d walk into the office with the worst expectations, and every time you were proven wrong. In that time, you had grown attached to your little girl, who you decided to name Isabella. Izzie, for short.

Rafael would talk to Izzie as much as he talked to you, always speaking in Spanish thinking she’d pick it up in the womb. You’d just shake your head with a smile, it was adorable the way he was so excited. It made you even more excited, just seeing him so happy. You had never been so invested in someone else’s emotions other than your own, especially not someone who hadn’t even been born yet. But you loved Izzie already, you would smile to yourself when you’d feel her moving around inside you. It was like she was snuggling you in her own little cocoon inside you.

However, on the day of your baby shower, all of your new hopes and dreams came crashing down. You were doing your makeup, humming and bouncing along with the Spotify playlist you had playing-- when you felt it. A sharp, overwhelming pain struck your abdomen, causing you to hunch over, falling to your knees.

“RAFAEL!!!!!” You screamed as your insides felt like they were being stabbed everywhere. Everything you had feared was coming true.

Rafael sprinted into your bathroom half dressed and instantly was down next to you.

“Y/N, baby what’s wrong?” He asked frantically, checking your body everywhere as you writhed in pain and began to cry.

“It’s...Izzie,” You sobbed, knowing what was happening. “I’m losing her,”

“Oh God,” Rafael dialed 911 while he tried to help you stand. When he saw your pelvis however, he stopped moving you.

“What?” You asked in a panicked tone. “What is it?”

“You’re...You’re bleeding, Y/N,” His eyes began to fill with tears as he watched you quickly begin to bleed out in front of him.

“What?” You tried desperately to look down at yourself, all you saw was a pool of blood running down the floor to your feet. Everything started to go fuzzy, you could barely hear Rafael screaming on the phone for someone to hurry up and come to your rescue. Pretty soon, you blacked out completely.

----------------------

The next thing you knew you were waking up in a hospital bed with a nurse taking your vitals.

“Welcome back, Ms. Y/N,” She smiled sweetly. “We almost lost you there,”

“...Lost me?” You looked at her in confusion before looking down at your stomach. A huge bandage was wrapped around your torso, covering several stitches and tubes coming out of your pelvis.

“Oh my god,” You whispered, beginning to panic again. “Oh my god, oh my god--”

“Whoa whoa calm down sweetie,” The nurse tried to keep you from squirming around. “You’ll pop your stitches,”

“Where’s Izzie? Where’s Rafael?” You asked her as you started to hyperventilate.

“Your husband ran to get a coffee” She assured you. “And um, your-- your baby is…”

“She’s dead, isn't she?” You began to sob. “I killed her,”

“No! No ma’am,” She shook her head. “Well, I mean she-- she is-- gone,” She said sadly. “But you did NOT kill her,”

“No, just my hostile body,” You continued to sob.

“Look I’m-- I’ll be right back,” She rushed out of the room, leaving you crying and screaming in horror and guilt.

After a few minutes, Rafael was bursting into the room, instantly at your side and taking your shaking body in his arms. He was still covered in your blood, he hadn’t dared to leave your side since they had gotten you there.

“I killed her, Rafa,” You sobbed into his chest. “I knew it, I knew this would happen. I’m broken inside, I told you I was broken,”

“Shhh, no no no mi amor,” He whispered as he tried to not start crying himself. “Shhhh, you’re-- you’re not broken,”

“I am!!!” You sobbed harder. “I killed our baby, just like I knew I would. It’s the one thing I was supposed to give you,”

“...Shh, baby I know. It’s okay, it’s alright--” He looked up at the sky as he began to cry himself.

“No it’s not, it’s not okay!!” Your sobs became heavier, you could barely breathe. All of your fears were coming true, you were being punished. You lost your child and now you were going to lose the love of your life. “Please don’t leave me, Please please please,”

“What?” He suddenly looked back down at you, pulling you from his chest. “Why would I--”

“I KILLED OUR BABY!!!!!!!!” You screamed. “That’s the ONE thing you asked me not to do!! The one thing! And I did it anyway!!!”

“NO, you did NOT,” He took both of your shoulders. “You did not kill our baby, do you hear me? You tried so hard, you took such good care of Izzie, carino--” He started to cry again as he said her name.

“She’s dead, Rafael,” You had just started to get your sobs under control until you saw him cry. You hated seeing him cry. You hated being the reason he was crying. “She’s dead!”

“And so were you!” He said through his tears. “You died on that table, they told me. But you came back to me,”

“....What?” Now you started to control your crying in shock from this new information.

“We may have lost Izzie, but I almost lost both of you. And I-- I don’t think I would have survived that,” He was still crying. “I...I’m devastated about Izzie, but I’m grateful you’re alive,”

“....Even though I’m broken?” You sniffled.

“You are not broken, mi amor,” He shook his head as he kissed your forehead, getting his own emotions to calm down. “...And if you still don’t believe me, then I promise you, I will spend the rest of our lives putting you back together,”

“....Okay,” You whispered, finally relaxing into his arms as he laid back against the wall.

“I love you, Y/N,” He whispered as he stroked your hair. “I will always love you, no matter what,”

“I love you too,” You sniffled as you started to fall asleep against his chest.

You wanted to believe him, but you knew deep down inside: You’d always be broken.

[differentducktectivewasteland]

Much like @theflipsiderunes --as a super clingy person--the end of the Swooning Over Stans dating sim left something to be desired for me. I’ve been messing around with continuing the development of Stan during the timeline after the sim, and may have written a monologue that explains another reason (in addition to being kicked out of the house at 18 over a monetary dispute) why Stan has some emotional trauma surrounding the subject of money. I have dozens of headcanons about Stan’s ex-wife Marilyn (all of which are wrong since they apparently weren’t married very long, but we’re just going to ignore that), and most of them involve her being unintentionally emotionally abusive to him. (What can I say? I love creating and healing trauma in my writing.) This is a conversation between the player and Stan over his attempt to spend a little bit of money on the (rather stingy) said player. I’m aware this may not fit Stan’s character perfectly, especially the show version who would never let a single penny go to waste, but this is supposed to take place after some development when he’s learned that the people he loves are more important than the money he has (that he has no idea what to do with now that he’s retired and Stanford’s paying all the bills anyway). It may not be perfectly in character outside my AU, but I still wanted to share it.

(Oh, and yes, I altered some art from the sim. This expression is one of the many I’ve created from the sim’s art. I don’t know how much of the credit goes to me, since I barely changed it, but whatever. We’re just gonna go with it.)

Enjoy the angsty monologue!

"Listen—Kid—I have my reasons, alright?"

"Then tell me. I’ll listen."

He glares at the floor, slowly shrinking under your gaze.

"Fine."

He sighs, his shoulders falling.

"Back when I was dating Marilyn—before we got married—I realized we had something in common. See, I was planning this nice big date for her at this fancy restaurant. I was going to ask her to marry me on that date."

He strokes his ring finger with the thumb on the same hand. His smile is longing, gentle. But it starts to dissolve, falling away to the weight of a miserable recollection.

"But uh, things didn’t… didn’t go so well.

"I took her to the place and as soon as we sat down, she started going on about how I couldn’t afford it. Wouldn’t shut up about it.

“When I finally got her to eat something—and trust me, that took a while—I pulled out the ring and… she yelled at me in front of everyone and stormed out. Said I was stupid for spending that much. Just for once, I wanted to give her somethin’ nice. I wanted to make her happy."

He chuckles, but it comes out cold and devastated.

"But she wouldn’t let me."

He sighs gruffly, placing his elbows on the table and gazing lugubriously out the glass pane to his left.

"For a while, I decided I wouldn’t give anyone anything. I didn’t want them to…"

He shakes his head.

"Marilyn never really let me give her anything at all. I thought no one could be more obsessed with money than me, but she really took the cake."

He shakes his head, a smile forming his lips.

"Sucks for her, though. She wasted what she did have from the divorce on the lottery. S’why she’s living in a trailer now."

His expression fades and he finally looks you in the eye again, a curiosity brimming his eyes. His lips part to speak, but he hesitates, sighing instead.

“Do… you remember when we went to steal that painting?"

You scoff—but just a little, since the somber cloud still hangs over the table. "How could I forget?"

"Well, when you put those gloves on and they fit… the look on your face made me… made me happy. I felt like I gave you something and you… actually gave me something back."

He peers up at you from under the top bar of his lenses, his lopsided smile pushing up his left cheek. For just a fleeting moment, his eyes are filled with a childlike innocence, a love you’ve never seen before. A hope for something you can’t quite grasp. But almost as if a bout of thundering raindrops fall on him, the light in his gaze disappears. He glares sheepishly at the nicks in the table, sighing gruffly.

"And uh… I guess since then I’ve just uh, wanted to feel that again."

[moonyswolfie]

Insecurities

So my bestie gave me an idea a while back and after turning it around and placing it in every possible scenario, I came up with this. 

I’ve read plenty of fics on this very subject, so now it was time to write my own version of it. 

Draco Malfoy x Slytherin!reader

Summary: When insecurities are clouding your mind, Draco is there to make it all clear again.

Warnings: a little angsty, insecurities, doubts, fears. If you feel like this might be a trigger, please DON’T read. 

Also, please keep in mind that no matter what, each and every one is beautiful in their own way. Good days or bad, you are still you and you are beautiful. Never think otherwise.

You closed the mascara tube and placed it back in the bag with the rest of your makeup. You checked yourself in the mirror a few more times, making sure there were no mascara stains, eyeshadow dust or lip gloss smudges anywhere.

Once your makeup was done, you sighed. You looked okay. That will do.

You were, in fact, very beautiful, but you just couldn’t see it, not today. Your friends made a habit of reminding you of this every time you had a bad day, but you usually brushed them off, thinking they were just trying to be nice. And then there was your boyfriend, Draco Malfoy.

He complimented you often, that was true, but he had no idea about your insecurities. You never told him and your friends were sworn to secrecy on the matter.

Truth is, you were afraid of him finding out about your insecurities, thinking that he’ll view you differently, as a fragile person in constant need of attention and reassurance. But that was not the case. You were, however, an overthinker, so the fears were there.

When you confided in Hermione about this, she looked dumbfounded. You weren’t sure if she wanted to yell at you, or smack you across the head to make you understand how wrong you were, but in the end she did neither. She took a deep breath and spoke calmly, yet firmly.

“Look, Y/N, I’m not Malfoy’s biggest fan, but even I can see how much love that boy has for you. He looks at you like you’re a work of art and at the same time, the most precious thing he’s ever had. Which might very likely be the case.”

You rolled your eyes at her statement, your mind too wrapped up in your fears to see the truth in Hermione’s words.

You moved away from the bathroom mirror and entered your dorm once more, placing your makeup bag on your nightstand. It was Saturday morning and you couldn’t wait to go down for breakfast.

Once you reached the Great Hall, you inspected the Slytherin table, looking for your lovely boyfriend, yet he was nowhere in sight.

You frowned. He should have been up by now, he’s an early riser. He wasn’t in the Common Room either, you’ve just been there. Before you could turn around and go up to his dorm, two strong arms wrapped around your waist and your back was suddenly pressed against a warm body behind you.

You smiled. You would recognize Draco’s cologne anywhere.

“Good morning, darling.” he whispers, nuzzling into your neck and hugging you tighter.

“Good morning. Hungry?” you ask, detangling yourself from him and heading for the Slytherin table, taking a seat right next to Blaise.

“You know I always am.” came Draco’s reply, a lazy smirk spreading on his face.

“Morning, gorgeous” Zabini greeted you as soon as you sat down and your smile disappeared instantly.

It wasn’t unusual for Blaise to get flirty with you, he was doing it mostly to annoy his best friend and most of the time you found it rather amusing, even played along a couple of times just to tease Draco. You were all almost out of school and they were still acting like children.

However, today wasn’t a good day. Not entirely and not for you, so Blaise’s comment wasn’t welcomed today.

You tried to hide your face from the boys, but Draco has already seen it, the moment your smile was replaced by a deep frown.

His hand grabbed yours under the table, bringing your intertwined fingers to his mouth and placing a long kiss on the back of your hand. When he faced you, you couldn’t place the expression he wore.

“Is he making you uncomfortable? Do you want me to hex him?” Draco whispered softly, yet the anger was easily identifiable in his voice.

“No, love. It’s nothing, I promise.” you tried reassuring him, but your fake smile wasn’t doing it. He knew you too well.

You made it clear that you were not going to say anything more on the matter, so he decided to let it go for now. Forcing you to talk will do no good, as you would only end up fighting and very likely saying hurtful things to each other that you will never be able to take back. So he waited.

After breakfast you made plans to study with the Trio for a few hours, before going to Hogsmeade with Draco for a date.

*

Noon came around pretty fast and before you knew it, you were rushing to get ready for your date. It wasn’t anything fancy, you two agreed on a simple, cozy afternoon at the Three Broomsticks, but you were determined to look your best.

After you were done with your makeup, you put on the dress you selected, a short and cute one to go on a spring day, paired with a long, black cardigan.

The Common Room was full of Slytherins running all over the place, some studying, some just spending time together outside the classroom. Draco was there as well, reading in a chair by the fireplace. He was wearing a green jumper and black trousers, a sight that made you stop and stare for a moment. Draco usually wore suits, so seeing him so casually dressed was a complete surprise.

But then again, this was supposed to be a cozy afternoon.

The moment his eyes landed on you, a grin spread across his face. The grin turned into an amused smile when he looked you up and down.

“I thought we agreed on cozy?” he said, making you blush bright red “You’re beautiful, no matter what you’re wearing, my love.”

He leaned down for a kiss, but frowned when you didn’t respond to it. He sighed, finally making the connection that’s been bugging him all day.

“Why won’t you accept the compliments? First Zabini, now me…” he trailed off, waiting patiently for your answer.

You looked around, but there were too many people for you to have a private conversation, so you motioned Draco to follow you up to your dorm. Once inside, you closed the door and thanked Merlin it was all empty now.

“It’s not that I don’t accept the compliments, it’s just…” you started, but the words were not siding with you today.

Draco sat on your bed and waited, determined to get to the bottom of the problem here and now. Truth is, he was worried. He’s never seen you like this before and he wanted to make it all better. He wanted you to know that he’s there for you and that you can confide in him.

“I’m not confident. I can’t accept your compliments today because I don’t see what you see. There are, of course, the good days. But sometimes, I have to deal with the bad ones too. Today was a bad one.” you admitted, looking anywhere but towards your boyfriend.

Draco looked at you, confusion (and hurt?) taking over his beautiful features. Clearly, he wasn’t doing a good enough job as your boyfriend if you felt that way. But more importantly, why did you feel like you couldn’t tell him? Did you not trust him?

He extended  his hand in your direction and you grabbed it, only to land in his lap a moment later. A blush dusted your cheeks and he let out a small laugh, placing a gentle kiss on your forehead.

“Why didn’t you tell me, darling?” he asked, his voice a meek whisper.

“I didn’t want you to look at me differently. I didn’t want you to think I’m this fragile little thing, because I’m not. But I’m also not as confident as other girls are.” you shrugged. “I overthink a lot.”

“I would never, Y/N, because you are not fragile. In fact, you are one of the strongest people I know.” he said, his hand cupping your cheek. “There will be bad days, filled with insecurities and doubts, and we’ll get through them together, because we are a team. I love you so much, sweet girl, and I’m sorry. I should have known, should have figured it out sooner.” he rested his forehead against yours and closed his eyes, just basking in this moment with you.

“Hey” you broke the silence, several minutes later “how about we make this date a cozy night in?” you ask with a smile.

Draco lifts you up bridal style and places you on the bed, before laying down himself. You cuddle up into him, hiding your face into the crook of his neck and inhaling his cologne that you’ve grown addicted to by now.

“Draco?”

“Hm?”

“I love you too.” you whisper and feel him pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

[scone-lover]

Happy Birthday to Holding Out For a Hero!!! ❤️

art by @subparselkie

I published the first chapter of my longest and most popular fic just about a year ago! And I bet you always wanted to see some shitty outlines. Right? Just giving the people what they want. My brain is chaos and now you all have to be subject to it. Strap in, boys. 😂 Everything’s below the cut!

Read Holding Out for a Hero on AO3

This fic was born because I saw a tumblr post about a hero and villain who are roommates and I just had to Snowbazzify it. I had so many random ideas in my brain, and I’d been engaging with fan content for the CO fandom for a few months now.

So I started off by opening a blank document and writing the Prologue, featuring Shep. I had a few basic facts in mind: Shepard’s a reporter, Simon’s a hero, Baz is a villain, Mage is an evil mayor. And that’s. Literally it. I made it up as I went along. I actually still do that with fics, even though I do try to outline in more detail now—I have to write a scene or two that’s been bouncing around in my head to get a feel for the story, then I can give it a direction.

The document is 337 pages on google docs, LOL. 

Here’s the first ever set of notes I had. I wrote this on March 29, 2020, directly after typing out the Prologue! 

Like I said, absolute chaos. The third Simon bullet point originally said something like “also I’m a superhero and only Penny knows,” then the following day I changed it to “but he’s so handsome? what do???” 

I didn’t publish the prologue until writing 5-6 additional chapters, but I think the only major change was going from Baz being “The Vampire” to just “Vampire.”

Chapter 1 was originally called “not a bloody avenger” before I decided to do the rhyming thing. I actually decided that because I wrote “counter spray and earl grey” down for chapter 2, unintentionally rhyming it, and then @ashspren-writes was like, “you should make them all rhyme”... so I did. 😂 For 25 more chapters.

I have a section labeled “quickie backgrounds” in which I finally sat down halfway through writing Chapter 2 (the blade/vamp fight) and said to myself, okay, maybe they should have backstories or something. Or like, reasons for being the hero and villain. Right, yeah, those would be good to make this into a coherent story. In the first version of that, Simon was a sports coach on the side, not a baker, and Baz was an English teacher. LOL. 

Once I had all that, I literally just wrote for four days. There’s a weird kind of magic to your first-ever fic for a fandom. All your ideas and thoughts and wishes for these characters comes to a head as you suddenly have an outlet for the first time. It’s why I think people’s first works are often their best or most creative or most profound. The first couple chapters took some time and a couple 1am epiphanies, but once I got into a rhythm it was quick going. I wrote a lot of it in a linear manner, but after writing the first Simon/Baz scene (watching the news together in the flat), I doubled back and added Simon going to Penny’s house after meeting the Mage so that I could work her in as a character earlier.

Fast forward to April 5, I had 5-ish chapters written? I thought this fic would have like... 10 total. And be less than 20k. Haha. Ha. I asked @ashspren-writes to beta read for me - I’d been bouncing ideas off her since the beginning - and then I started brainstorming titles. 

The list actually started with that second one. It took a whole 24 hours to decide on the final title. 😂 I thought it might be too cheesy. But hey, it worked out -- now I can’t open AO3 without the damn song getting stuck in my head. 

I worked a LOT with my friend @ashspren-writes on this fic - we were friends long before fandom, and she was the only person I knew at the time who had read CO and was involved in the fandom. I didn’t even have a tumblr at this point, I interacted mostly through Instagram and AO3!

On April 6, right before I posted, I realized that if I was going to actually put this on AO3 I should probably know where the story was going. So I made sure Chapters 1-6 were complete, then I wrote one bullet point per chapter up until 12 or so -- you can read those below.

Then I texted ashspren THIS mess:

Some silly notes:

Then I have a section that says “Why do they even have roommates?” because it was a few chapters in and I hadn’t justified richboy Baz and superhero Simon... living together. Cool cool cool

I also did this cool little writing experiment I want to share. Remember that line in Fangirl that’s like—“Once Cath wrote what she thought was a swordfight, and Wren turned it into a love scene.” (Or maybe it was the other way around? LOL.) Anyway, there’s swordfights in this, AND love scenes, so I wanted to do a play on that for two alternate ways Simon might figure it out.

I have a huge Deleted Section in which I wrote an alternate version of Simon and Baz finding out about their secret identities. I have one version where Baz figures it out first—it’s a very tropey yet angsty scene where Simon comes home totally wrecked from a fight, and Baz realizes as he’s helping with the wounds that he caused them. I actually like it a lot, but it ended up not quite fitting with the vibe of the fic (and I rather like them finding out through kissing better). :) I also had an idea where Simon figures it out because Vampire smells like cedar and bergamot, but it really just wasn’t interesting enough. 😂

Now onto... Outlines. 

I say that hesitantly because I think these are literally a disgrace to outlines everywhere. These are the baby ones I wrote on April 6 right before posting. Some are more detailed than others, clearly...

Gotta live up to my username somehow. 

We do love to see it. ​

I love this next one: 😂 CHAOS, SCONEY.

THEN, I wrote this as a very long text to ashspren, when I realized no sconey, this is not going to be under 20k words. LOL. 

And then I did A Dumb Thing and I put it on AO3, having absolutely NO CLUE WHERE THE STORY WAS GOING. 😂 

This is my favorite heading on the document.

Another one of my favorite notes in there.

This next part wasn’t even divided into chapters yet, it’s just a word vomit. I’m so sorry you have to read this mess.

Hahaha, once upon a time there was angst in this story. 😂 

And then I realized my true calling: bakery fluff.

Then and only then, I actually decided to divide into those things called Chapters. This is the point where I made the admission to mr scone (boyfriend, not husband lol, we just call him that) that I write gay fanfiction, whoops, and can he please help me because he’s a HUGE DC comics fan and knows everything. And of course, he was super chill about it, and he did. He really did. He’s the genius behind Egghead!!! And also the entire Mage-Humdrum-Supercomputer/Politics plot. I’m serious. I did none of that.

I can’t even say I’m trying anymore. “Flort”??? I AM LITERALLY NOT TRYING.

Why yes sconey, so very specific. 😂 

This is what qualifies as a “good” outline for me, that heading was just for my betas. Isn’t it fabulous to see that some of this actually made it in and I’m capable of planning in advance? 😂 

Get ready for the shock of your life, though -- I actually have a SUUUUPER detailed outline for the two finale chapters. Because, well, it’s the finale. Wrapping up loose ends does actually require planning, WHO KNEW. Also I’d been writing and posting for a couple months at this point and it had been several more weeks in quarantine so maybe I’d regained some sense of reality? It’s like two pages but still shittily written, so I’ll just share a couple tidibits.

That bullet point is extraordinarily cracky BUT actually, Baz shooting up from the cloud like an awesome fucking hot dramatic person was one of the very first scenes I envisioned for this fic :D 

I hope you enjoyed this glimpse into my writing brain! It’s a terrifying place. I love all of you that say Holding Out For a Hero is a well-crafted masterpiece, but respectfully, no ❤️ 

(Though I swear I AM super, super happy with how it turned out - it’s still my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Read it here!!!)

[massivedrickhead]

could you write maybe something about beca and chloe at a farmer's market at their first christmas together as a couple starting up new traditions? like getting hot chocolate, picking ornaments and a tree, stuff like that

Naturally I couldn’t write just normal Christmas fluff, I had to add a bit of angsty hurt/comfort in there. So, trigger warning: alcoholism is mentioned.

Read on AO3

Saturday mornings were Beca’s favourite time of the week for two reasons.

One, she got to sleep through them, catching up on all the sleep she’d lost through the week.

Two, she got to sleep through them with Chloe.

Chloe, the perpetual early bird, the seizer of every moment, had finally relented and given Beca this one lazy morning.

(Beca had tried to get Sunday morning too, but Chloe said she was pushing it.)

So on Saturdays they lay warm and comfortable, wrapped in each others arms, under layers of blankets because they couldn’t keep the heating 24 hours a day, and New York winters were cold.

They’d sleep late, waking up every few hours to exchange lazy kisses, before falling asleep again, eventually waking up to eat a late breakfast (read: lunch). 

Except this Saturday was different. 

Chloe was tugging the blankets away from Beca, or trying to at least, and telling her to get up and shower or they’d be late.

“Late for what?” Beca mumbled, her grip on the blankets surprisingly strong for 8 am.

“The Christmas market!”

“It is November 28th,” Beca said, incredulously, finally giving up and allowing Chloe to whip the blankets away.

“Exactly! So we need to go buy our decorations if we’re gonna stick to our plan!”

Beca sat up, brows furrowed, hair sticking up at every possible angle.

“I knew that plan would come back to bite me.”

“Come on, up! Up! Up!” Chloe said, each up punctuated by a clap of her hands. 

Begrudgingly Beca climbed out of the safety and warmth of bed and made the quick cold dash to the shower. She felt herself relax as the hot water came sputtering out of the shower head and chased away the cold of their bathroom.

Their plan - or Beca and Chloe’s awesome best Christmas ever, as Chloe had dubbed it - had been finalised only a few days before.

It was their first real Christmas living together as a couple that would be spent just the two of them.

Chloe’s mom had video called her and said that as all her kids were grown up now, her and Chloe’s dad would be going on vacation for Christmas from now on.

Chloe had pouted and pleaded but her mom’s mind was made up. She said they had to start making new traditions now that they were getting older, and Chloe should do the same.

Chloe was still miserable when Beca had gotten home from work late that night.

“You know, we could start making our own traditions,” Beca said, trying to coax Chloe out of her bad mood. “That’s the fun part about growing up, right? When you’re a kid you just do what you’ve always done, but when you grow up and you start your new family, you get to try new things. Mix things up a bit. Create new traditions that you get to pass on.”

“I guess,” Chloe mumbled, allowing Beca to put an arm around her and squeeze her into a side hug.

“Come on,” Beca said, squeezing again, “let’s think of some things we can do.”

And so they spent the next hour making their plan.

“The Christmas decorations go up the first weekend in December,” Chloe said, writing the first part of their plan. “So we should buy decorations soon.”

“Okay,” Beca said. “But no lights that make noise or dancing Santas or anything.”

“Agreed,” Chloe said. “How do you feel about flashing lights?” Beca pulled a face. “Me too.”

“Christmas Eve we get take-out,” Beca said, realising this was her only Christmas tradition she wanted to carry over. “Chinese.”

“Sure,” Chloe said. “But you’re skipping ahead. We have a lot of December to fill. Christmas movies every weekend until Christmas Day.”

“Christmas movie,” Beca said. “You get one per weekend.”

“Two,” Chloe said, grinning, knowing she would win any negotiation.

“Fine. One on Saturday, one on Sunday,” Beca said.

“Deal,” Chloe said. “Naturally Christmas music while we decorate.”

“Naturally,” Beca said. “But no Glee cover versions.”

“But-”

“No.”

“Ugh, fine.” 

“Christmas sweaters?”

“Sure.”

“Matching?”

“Absolutely not.”

It carried on like that until they had their December planned out. And Beca wouldn’t admit it, but she was actually kind of excited about their first solo Christmas. They had spent last year with Chloe’s family, and the year before they hadn’t been dating so while Chloe had gone home, Beca had hung around in New York with anyone she could find who was still in town. 

She’d had no desire to go back to her home town for Christmas for a long time now.

So she was excited to have Christmas plans that she could look forward to.

That was until Chloe had woken her up at 8 am on a Saturday so she could drag her around a Christmas market in New York.

“Is it gonna be crowded?” Beca asked, gratefully accepting a cup of coffee from Chloe as she left their bedroom, now fully dressed.

“Maybe,” Chloe said. “If we get there early enough it shouldn’t be too bad. Plus it’s not even December yet. I think it’ll get busier the longer we leave it.”

“Maybe next year we should do our Christmas shopping in June,” Beca said.

“I know you’re kidding but I promise you my Aunt Cheryl was fully wrapped by August,” Chloe said. “Anyway, don’t worry about the crowds. I’ll make sure you don’t get lost.”

“Okay, take it easy, you’re like an inch taller than me,” Beca said, rolling her eyes.

“If you say so,” Chloe said. “Okay, it opens soon, are you ready to go?”

They left their apartment, made the short but freezing walk to the subway, and about half an hour later they reached their stop. 

“Hot chocolate?” Chloe asked, taking holding of Beca’s hand and pulling her towards where the market was set up.

“Good idea,” Beca said, shivering, her breath coming out in white clouds.

Beca looked around while Chloe ordered their drinks. It wasn’t too busy yet, she was glad to see, but she knew it was only likely to stay that way for another few hours. She hoped she’d be back in their apartment by lunch, but Chloe likely had other ideas.

“Here you go,” Chloe said, handing over a cup. “So, where first?”

“Lead the way,” Beca said, gesturing towards the many stalls laid out in front of them.

They spent the next few hours weaving through the crowds as they looked at every stall. Chloe bought them almost matching Christmas sweaters - one for Chloe reading ‘I’m on the nice list’ and one for Beca which said ‘I’m on the naughty list’ - to which Beca had tried to protest.

“Are you telling me you’ve been a good girl this year, Beca? After the noises you made last night?” Chloe asked with a wink, causing Beca to blush furiously and stop complaining. 

“I’m not wearing it in public,” Beca muttered. 

“Duh, they’re for Christmas Day,” Chloe had replied, pulling her towards another stall that sold Christmas tree ornaments.

Chloe picked up some generic baubles, as well as some that seemed more personal to her. She grabbed a dog, a treble clef, and a teacup. 

“Spotted any that speak to you?” Chloe asked.

Beca shrugged, but her eyes were fixed on what looked like a little ornament of a carton of Chinese takeout. 

“This one?” Chloe asked.

Beca cleared her throat. “Yeah,” she said, trying to avoid Chloe’s eyes as she picked it up.

“What about the red panda?”

“Oh I didn’t even see him!” Beca said, almost squealing. 

“Get the guitar too,” Chloe said, laughing at Beca’s reaction. “Then we have three each.”

“Okay,” Beca said. “I’ll get these, you bought the sweaters. Do you wanna get a star?”

“My Mom is gonna send our old one with some other bits, if that’s okay?”

“Fine with me,” Beca said before she paid and they carried on walking, Chloe’s hand never leaving hers the entire time.

Chloe bought them some lunch once they reached what seemed to be the end of the first half of the market. They still had to walk down the other side so Beca was predicting they’d be here another hour at least.

“Doing okay?” Chloe asked, knowing how much Beca hated crowds.

Beca nodded, loosening the scarf around her neck as they sat at one of the picnic tables set out by the food stalls.”How much longer?”

“We can stop whenever you want, Becs, you know that right?” Chloe asked, looking at her with concern filled eyes.

“I know,” Beca said, smiling, waiting for her Mac and Cheese to cool. “I was just wondering.”

Chloe pulled up the list on her phone and started ticking things off.

“It looks like we’ve got everything we came for. We can head back now if you want?”

“You wanna see the rest though, right?” Beca asked.

“Well, yeah, but I can come back another time.” Chloe said.

Beca shook her head. “I’m good. We can see the rest. Just promise I won’t have to move out of bed until at least noon tomorrow.”

“And that’s different from how you normally spend your Sunday?”

“Sorry, I should have clarified, you’ll need to stay in bed with me.”

“I guess I can agree to that,” Chloe said. 

-

It was a week later and Chloe was dragging their newly purchased tree into their living room, close to the window so it could be seen from outside.

She was wearing a Santa hat, had tinsel wrapped around her neck like a scarf, and was singing along to their Christmas playlist. 

Beca was sitting on the arm of the sofa, getting seemingly more and more frustrated as she tried to untangle the lights.

“These are brand-new lights,” Beca muttered. “How are they already tangled?”

“Give them here,” Chloe said. “You just don’t have the magic touch.”

“That’s not what you said last night.”

“Very funny,” Chloe said, holding out her hands for the lights.

Beca handed them over but before she could say anything else, she was cut off by her phone buzzing in her pocket. She pulled it out and sighed, lowering the volume on the music.

“It’s my Mom,” she said, pressing the green button and moving out of the living room and towards the bedroom. “Hey mom.”

Chloe frowned and bit her lip, wondering if she should continue.

This was something they should be doing together, but she also knew Beca usually ended up in a crappy mood after she spoke to her Mom.

Their relationship had been strained for as long as Chloe had known Beca, but she never really found out much about it. Beca didn’t speak about her much, and always clammed up whenever Chloe would ask, even now. 

Chloe focused on detangling the lights, but decided she wouldn’t do any of the actual decorating until Beca came back.

It was almost an hour later when Beca came out of their bedroom and dropped onto the sofa beside Chloe.

“You okay?” Chloe asked, looking up from her phone.

Beca gave a non-committal grunt and turned to look at the tree. “You didn’t make much progress. Couldn’t untangle the lights?”

“Please, I did that in like 5 minutes. I wanted to wait for you.”

“I’m sorry,” Beca said, running a hand through her hair. “I didn’t mean to take that long but…” Beca shook her head as she trailed off. “It doesn’t matter.” She pulled out her phone and restarted their playlist which had ended while Beca had been talking to her Mom. “Ready to carry on?”

Chloe smiled and nodded, and the two returned to their tree.

When it was decorated with a combination of the new stuff they had bought together, and the old stuff Chloe’s Mom had sent they both stood for a minute, smiling at their handiwork. Chloe’s arms came to wrap around Beca’s waist, her chin resting on Beca’s shoulder.

“I love it,” Chloe said, giving Beca a squeeze and kissing the side of her neck.

“Me too,” Beca said. 

The soft white lights wrapped around the tree glowed with warmth against the now dark sky, the streetlights below barely reaching the window of their apartment. 

It filled Beca with a feeling of cosiness and contentment that she didn’t usually associate with this time of year. Or any time of year for that matter.

“You know, if you wanted to talk about stuff with your Mom you can?” Chloe said, cautiously, feeling Beca tense beneath her arms.

“I’m good,” Beca said. “What movie are we watching?”

“Elf,” Chloe said, squeezing Beca even tighter.

-

Two weeks later, Chloe woke up in the middle of the night freezing cold and instinctively reached out for Beca. When her hand met cold sheets instead of Beca’s warm body, she opened her eyes, frowning.

It was then she realised she could hear Beca’s voice coming from the next room. She checked her phone and saw it was almost 2 am.

Frowning, she stepped out of bed and into the living room, pulling on her robe as she went.

“Mom, I can’t have this conversation with you again,” Beca said, pinching the bridge of her nose as she paced the living room. “I’m not in Barden anymore, Mom, I can’t just come over. We’ve been through this, I’m in New York.” 

Chloe watched as Beca traced one of the ornaments on their now dark tree with her finger.

“Look, I’m gonna go, okay? It’s late. Yeah. Yeah I know.” 

Chloe heard Beca suck in a breath the way she always did when she was trying not to cry.

“I love you too,” Beca said, her voice breaking. She swallowed hard, forcing her voice to stay steady. “I’m gonna call Grandma tomorrow, okay? She can check on you.”

When she ended the call she jumped as she felt Chloe’s arms wrap around her, but she soon relaxed into her. “Did I wake you?”

“No,” Chloe said. She tugged Beca’s hand and pulled her towards the window. “Look, it’s snowing.”

They sat on the floor, the Chloe’s back against the wall, Beca’s back against Chloe’s front, and they looked looked out the window, watching the snow drift down, turning yellow as it fell under the light of the streetlights.

They were quiet for a while until Beca finally spoke.

“She’s drinking again,” Beca said, tapping her phone against her leg. “She’s been calling more and more. Wanting me to go over. She… She’s always had trouble with her short term memory, and it only gets worse when she drinks. She thinks I’m still in Georgia.”

“I’m sorry Becs,” Chloe said. “It must be hard being away from her at times like this.”

Beca sniffed and rested a hand on Chloe’s leg, her thumb brushing against the soft fabric of her pyjamas. “Does it make me a shitty person if I say I’m glad I’m not in Georgia right now?”

“No,” Chloe said. “Of course not.”

“I don’t… I don’t like seeing her like this. It just… It reminds me of being a kid, a while after after they got divorced but before my Mom lost custody. She drank a lot then. Sometimes it was kinda fun. She’d let me skip school and we’d go on these adventures together or we’d stay up late eating pizza and playing video games. And then… It was like flipping a switch. She’d just… change. She used to scare me.”

Chloe’s grip tightened around Beca’s waist, and she pressed her lips into the back of her head.

“She knows I’ll only visit when she’s sober. And maybe that makes me selfish. I know I should be there when she needs me. She’s my Mom. I love her,” Beca said, cutting herself off as her voice broke again. 

“I know,” Chloe said, softly, pulling her closer. “You’re allowed to put yourself first. You shouldn’t go back to an environment that’s bad for you. And you’re the least selfish person I know. I love you, so so much.”

“I love you too,” Beca said, wiping her eyes as they continued to watch the snow which had only gotten heavier. “It wasn’t all bad,” Beca said, after a while. “Before she started really drinking, we had some good times together, just the two of us. For years. Christmas Eve was always my favourite day of the year.”

“Chinese takeout?”

“Yeah,” Beca said with a small laugh. “She’d order my favourite and we’d have like a slumber party in the living room, watching movies and drinking hot chocolate. She said if I could stay awake until midnight, I’d be allowed to open one present. I never made it,” Beca said, smiling at the memory. “Even when things were really bad, when her drinking was at its worst, that was the one day that would always be good. Christmas wasn’t really the same when I had to move in with my Dad and Sheila. He tried but I guess I was just too angry and closed off by then.” Beca turned to face Chloe now. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For giving me a proper Christmas. For giving me new traditions and letting me reconnect with old ones. For being you.” She leaned forward to kiss her, and Chloe knelt up to meet her halfway.

-

“Chlo’ if I’m out of scotch tape can I use masking tape?” Beca called from the bedroom, two days before Christmas.

“No,” Chloe called back from the living room. Beca’s last present for Chloe had finally arrived, so she had spent the last few hours locked in their bedroom wrapping presents.

“I have more clear tape,” Chloe said, rummaging in a kitchen drawer until she found some.

“Don’t come in!” Beca said, in a panicked voice. She opened the door and quickly closed it behind her. 

“Here,” Chloe said. “Are you gonna be much longer? I’m bored.”

“Almost done,” Beca said, returning to their bedroom and shutting the door.

-

“Here you go,” Chloe said, handing Beca her container of take-out Chinese and a pair of chopsticks.

“Thank you,” Beca said, grinning as she dug in. Chloe set two mugs of hot chocolate down on the coffee table, and pressed play on Netflix. 

“Thank you for tolerating all my movies this month,” Chloe said, smiling as the opening music for Home Alone played.

“This one gets a free pass. It’s a classic.”

“I agree.”

“So,” Beca said, swallowing a mouthful of orange chicken. “If I stay up until midnight do I get to open a present early?”

“Sure,” Chloe said, grinning. “But you’ve been yawning since 6:30, I don’t think you’re gonna make it.”

To her credit, Beca lasted until 10:30 pm, falling asleep with 20 minutes to go in Home Alone 2. 

When Chloe switched the movie off, the only light in the room was coming from the tree and the string of fairy lights around their window. She thought that Beca looked beautiful in the soft glow of the lights, her face relaxed and free of the stress she had been carrying around the last few weeks.

Still, she was a little disappointed she hadn’t made it until midnight, there was one gift she had wanted to give her tonight.

-

The next morning, Chloe tried to coax Beca out of bed at 7 am, with promises of coffee and pancakes for breakfast, but Beca would not budge.

“But it’s Christmas morning,” Chloe pouted.

“It’ll still be Christmas morning in an hour,” Beca mumbled, tugging Chloe back to bed, and curling around her to stop her moving again. “You don’t need to be up so early, you’re not 6.”

“And you don’t need to sleep all morning, you’re not 15.”

“Touche,” Beca mumbled. “Merry Christmas by the way.”

“Merry Christmas,” Chloe said, grinning.

After another 40 minutes of dosing in bed, Beca finally let Chloe drag her up.

They ate breakfast in their Christmas pyjamas, and then, at Chloe’s request, they got dressed in their almost-matching sweaters and took a selfie in front of their tree.

As they exchanged gifts, they both got increasingly more nervous. Something neither of them realised as they were too preoccupied with their own nerves to be focused on the other person.

“I, um, actually have one more for you,” Beca said, standing. “Two seconds.” She moved into the bedroom.

“Yeah, I do too,” Chloe said, reaching towards the back of the tree where the final present was hidden.

After a few minutes of silence, Beca spoke up from the bedroom.

“Chlo’, can you come in here for a minute?”

Chloe suddenly got a weird feeling in her stomach, and the corners of her mouth twitched into a smile.

“Actually Beca, I kinda need you in here,” Chloe said.

There was a small silence.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“It can’t wait?”

“No.”

Another small silence.

“Meet halfway?” Beca asked.

“Okay,” Chloe said. She stood from where she was in the living room and moved so she was in front of the window.

Beca left the bedroom, something held behind her back, and she walked until she was standing in front of Chloe.

Without a word, they both dropped to one knee.

“Chloe Beale.”

“Rebeca Mitchell.”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes. Will you marry me?”

“Duh.”

They both laughed and kissed until they had to stop, happy tears streaming down both of their faces.

“I know we haven’t been officially together that long,” Beca said, wiping her eyes as she slid the ring onto Chloe’s finger. “But you’re my soulmate. I don’t ever want to be with anybody else.”

“I love you so much, Beca. I feel like I waited my whole life for you,” Chloe said, sliding the ring onto Beca’s finger. “I want spend the rest of it with you.”

“Best Christmas ever,” Beca said, still laughing and crying.

“Almost as good as the year we got a Wii,” Chloe said, earning a smack on the arm from Beca. 

“I love you.”

“Love you more.”