#anyway. happy birthday mishka so sorry i got to this [checks calendar] five days late

[mishkakagehishka]

Growing Up, part 3: Celebrated

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Fandom: Ensemble Stars!! Concept: an exploration of Mika's past and his growing inner psychology as presented through the celebrations of his 15th, 16th and 18th birthday (or, during his final year before Yumenosaki, first year in Yumenosaki/pre-War era, and 3rd year in Yumenosaki/!!time as calculated by the person who almost failed maths in years 11 and 12) Word count for this chapter: 2703 Summary for this chapter: A surprise birthday party thrown in Mika's honour, to show him how far he has come, how many good friends he has made, how he's not as unworthy of love as he had thought.

Warnings for this chapter: None that I can think of :> This is the fluffy conclusion to the two angsty chapters, anyway.

A mug of cocoa warmed Mika's hands as he sat on the floor, leaning against the couch, watching some comedy on the television. It was more like he kept it as background noise while he stared right through the screen itself, thinking of everything except what he was pretending to watch. It was Christmas. He had nothing better to do with himself, his roommate became active the moment the sun set, and was off wandering somewhere. Shu called him a week earlier saying he won't be in Japan for Christmas because he had further work to do for college. Asides from saddening Mika, as Shu, then, wouldn't come for his birthday either, it also made him worry about his own future. Whether he should also pursue higher education, where he should do so, what he should pursue… But it was hardly the time to worry about that. No use worrying over the future, besides, there’s not much he can do about it as is.

As he was right at that moment, he felt bored. Restless. The comedy went on forever, and it wasn't even funny, and his cocoa was becoming just slightly uncomfortably lukewarm. He wanted to call Shu, but Shu made it very clear he would be very busy, and so it just felt like a bad idea. Like he would only bother him. He could go out himself, take a walk, see the illuminations, but it was Mika. A single man walking around all alone on Christmas… He felt like he'd attract looks. Bad looks. Pitying looks.

It's not that he minded being single (and even if he did, he could do nothing about it as an idol), but the idea of being judged by random people on the street, those to whom he could never justify his existence, made him itch. Truly, he hated the idea of being judged, and yet he could only ever imagine one would look at him only for that reason. To enact judgement. For a reason, judgement can be used to mean divine punishment. A disaster, a calamity. That's how it felt to him, to be looked at. As if he was being asked for the reason why he looked like that, why he was occupying that space, why he was even born in the first place. Questions he couldn't answer. So, he would prefer it if nobody looked at him, ever. It was a mystery how he managed to perform, but he found himself able to forget how having more than one person looking at him, heavens forbid closely, feels as if he is being held down and dissected as a living specimen when he’s performing. He supposed being dressed in clothes he is not worthy of, being given songs written to be sung by those far more elegant and refined than him helped. He felt as if he put on a mask on stage, as if it wasn’t him up there, but a version of him that deserved all that praise and love. All that glory. A version of him that doesn’t feel like crying and throwing up at the mere idea of being observed by strangers.

And so Mika felt like he couldn't go out, for fear of being judged. That's simply how he felt, and it was his plan to stay in and continue pretending to watch bad comedies while drinking lukewarm cocoa, but his roommate had other plans.

Ritsu barged in, arm in arm with Arashi, loudly enough that it made Mika jump. It was a matter of luck that the cocoa didn't spill all over him.

"Mikarin!" Ritsu called out. And Arashi continued, "Get dressed, we're going out!" "Eh? N'gah? Wha?" Mika, still surprised, could only stare like a lamb. "Goin' out? Wh-where?" "The Christmas market, silly! Today's the last day it's open." Arashi let go of Ritsu's hand, instead striding over to Mika. She took the mug out of his hands (which he relinquished without a struggle, eyes just as lost) and proceeded to pull him up to his feet. "And don't even try to tell me you weren't dying to go see the lights!" "Ah, how'd'ya know? I was just thinkin' 'bout that…" "Because we're your best friends, duh?" Ritsu cut in, throwing himself on Mika's bed once Arashi dragged Mika himself over there, too. "So, you'll go with us?" "Feels like I ain't got much choice," Mika mumbled, though a big smile made his joy at the invitation come across despite the hesitant words. Arashi was already pulling his clothes out of the closet, pushing hangers against his chest to see what looked best. And he laughed along with the two of them, agreeing fairly quickly to go along with their whims.

And they had fun, truly, they did. Mika was happy he took them up on that offer, even if he felt reservations at first. Worrying about what people would think, would they judge him, would they think he was third wheeling a date, would they think he was pathetic… All of those worries simply faded away when he saw the beautiful illuminations. When the natural conversations with his best friend kept leading into spontaneous fits of laughter. When he was able to feel, for just a second, loved and appreciated. Like his presence was wanted. When he felt the warmth of a true connection. Eating street food, talking and laughing, looking at the illuminations and spending quality time together. He was happy he decided to come with them.

The night came to a close soon, however. With midnight approaching, Arashi was the first to broach the subject of turning in for the night. "It's late," she pointed at her watch, which showed about ten minutes past eleven. Exchanging a look Mika found odd with her, Ritsu nodded in agreement. "We can continue our hangout at the dorm's common room, if you guys aren't tired yet?" "Aw, I dunno…" Mika trailed off. He wondered what the shared look was about. The insecure part of him flared up, bombarding him with various thoughts to the tune of they're sick of me, but he tried his best to suppress it. He had no reason to believe that, he told himself. He didn't want to fall back into old habits. "Come on, ple~ase?" Arashi folded her hands together in a begging gesture, pouting her lip cutely at him. "You wouldn't say no to us, would you, Mikarin?" Ritsu did the same, giving him his best puppy eyes. "N'gah… Awright, jus' fer a lil bit, though, okay?"

Sometimes Mika felt like a bit of a pushover. And the bitter taste it left at the base of his throat was unpleasant, but he couldn’t help it.

The lights were off, if they could assume from just the front windows. It seemed awfully quiet. Mika was almost certain somebody would be awake and moving about the common area, and yet, far as he could tell, the whole dorm was dead asleep. Only Ritsu, Arashi, and him - returning from an evening's outing, sneaking in like burglars. Arashi fiddled with her keys for a moment, the many keychains weighing down on her hand, but she pushed the door open - to more darkness.

Ritsu held his arm out to Mika, who took hold of it eagerly, not wanting to trip over something and fall. Together, the three of them walked into the darkness, quiet as mice. While Arashi fiddled with the wall trying to find a light switch, Mika felt goosebumps rising on his skin. The uncomfortable feeling of being watched. He squeezed Ritsu's arm, ignoring the horror addict in him filling his thoughts with monsters and killers that crept in the darkness, waiting to pounce and tear their unsuspecting victims apart.

The light was turned on, and…

"Surprise!!" The clock had hit midnight. A symphony of voices. "Happy birthday, Mika!"

It was as if half of ES had gathered in the common area. A cake placed on the dining room table, banners and balloons decorating every corner, smiles filled the room. Smiles directed at Mika. A part of him wanted to shrink into himself and disappear, uncomfortable with being the centre of attention. But another part of him almost enjoyed the way they were smiling at him. It made his heart skip a beat. Everyone here, here to celebrate his birth, to act as if he was important. Everyone, everyone, even…

"Oshi-san?!" "Happy birthday, Kagehira!" Shu had a used party popper in hand. Though never smiling, Mika could tell he was happy to see him. As was Mika. "I thought y'were too busy. Weren'cha gonna stay in Paris?" "You know I always aim to be ahead of schedule. Indeed, this time it worked in both our favours. I finished my work days ago, so I decided to fly in earlier. Aren't you happy to see me?" He was smug as always, but the airs he put up did little to cover the new bags under his eyes. Imperfections. Yet, if he was tired, he did little to show it. "I sure am!" Mika was quick to agree, smiling ear to ear.

"I'm… so happy I could cry," he was now addressing the entire party, "Y'all did all this fer me?" "But of course! Your birthday only comes once a year, you know?" Arashi gently ruffled his hair (and was scolded by Shu for it, but it took only a single look from her to get him to acquiesce). "It just felt appropriate that we celebrate you on your birthday," Hajime added, before pointing to the tea he had prepared just a little earlier, offering Mika a cup to warm up.

And Mika felt like he could cry, really. To be celebrated on his birthday, to be treated so kindly and lovingly. He found it hard to believe that he wasn't just dreaming. That it was real. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a proper birthday celebration. In his youth, he never had the time nor money to celebrate his late-December birthday. Later on, he never felt important enough that his birth should be celebrated. (And if even his parents decided to throw him away, what point was there in celebrating the day that never brought anyone joy?) And now, suddenly, he was standing in the common area, talking with people who seemed happy to talk to him. Being offered sweets and drinks. Asked to open presents, even. When was the last time he'd gotten a birthday present? That DVD, that motivator to enrol in Yumenosaki. The butterfly whose wings' flapping caused this very party to happen.

And even the party itself was something he was given a choice to reject, to discard. When Arashi pulled him away from the crowd to check up on him, which he needed, he would admit, he was given both a choice and an excuse. "Are you doing okay, hun? I know you're bad with having the spotlight on you…" "N'ah, yeah, 's fine, Naru-chan. It's a bit scary, but I'm doin' peachy fer now." "I'm glad to hear! You just let me know if you want to step outside, okay?" "I will. Thank ya kindly!" There was not a single part of this event that wasn’t planned for him, with him and his wishes and comfort in mind.

It was a fun night. In the end, Mika did have to step outside with Arashi once or twice. After all, he was still himself, still shy and panicky when put under a spotlight. But he never gave up, he always returned to it. He wanted to feel the friendships he had made. And the fact that he was able to talk and laugh and eat with so many people he can now call his friends truly made him happy. Most folks retired around one in the morning - understandably tired and wanting to get some rest. Shu himself left shortly after, at half past one. He fixed Mika's collar and gave him a bit of a speech before he'd left. "I expect to see you grow even more as an artist in this coming year," he monologued, "and remember you were given this life, these talents, for a reason. Do not squander them for laziness or practicality. Nurture them. Develop them. Show the world what you are capable of. Make everyone who ever doubted you regret it." It went on for some time, but Mika swallowed every word of it. Mika knew Shu wanted him to succeed almost as much as he himself wanted it. Even though he now knew his methods in the past were less than ideal, he still kept the view that Shu just wanted what was best for him.

The only difference was, now it was left up to Mika to decide, freely and for himself, whether he wanted to accept Shu’s advice or not.

It was perhaps around 3am when the last of the idols left, the party people, the night owls. Ritsu and Arashi stayed the latest, though Arashi ended up falling asleep on the couch, leaned against Ritsu's shoulder. Ritsu himself was getting drowsier the closer sunrise was approaching, and they knew it was about time to say goodnight and until tomorrow.

Mika gently nudged Arashi awake. It took her a few moments, but she immediately got to groaning. "Oh, my! What time is it?" "It'll be four any minute now," Ritsu answered, yawning and stretching. "Sorry, boys, I fell asleep…" "Ya sure did. But ya didn't miss much. We woke ya up 'cause we're 'bout to head back, too. Didn't want'cha to get a cold from sleepin' here." "Aren't you two such gentlemen? Thank you!" She yawned. "I think it was good. Mika-chan, did you have fun?" "I had a lotta fun!" Mika beamed. There was something pure in his smile, a show of his true feelings. He had so much fun it almost makes him sad that the night is over. "That's what's most important," Ritsu nodded solemnly. "Since it was your party and all." "Ya both planned it, didn'cha? Thank ya kindly, really. Y'all made me so happy, I can't even describe it."

It didn't take long for a hug fest to start. Arashi pulled Mika into a hug the moment those words left his mouth, awwing and cooing all the while. Naturally, Ritsu was pulled in as well. And so, Mika cradled in Arashi's arms, her arms around his back and his face in her neck. Ritsu hugging Mika from the back, his arms wrapped around Arashi's back. And they all swayed ever so lightly like that, simply enjoying the skinship, the physical touch, the show of friendship. "We should go to bed," Arashi whispered, but made no move to separate. "We should," Ritsu agreed. "We really should," as did Mika.

The hour passed well into four by the time they were all tucked into their respective beds. And it was well past five by the time Mika's heart calmed down enough to allow him rest, his mind swimming in that day's memories. In how loved he felt. In how wonderful the feeling was, in how he never wanted to feel lonely and rejected again. Not now when he knew how the other side felt. He was never going to return to being the discarded, thrown away, helpless little child. He wasn’t alone anymore.

But he had to grow up. He had to become stronger. He had to be the one who would accept and love the next unloved children. He was going to become the saviour he wished for so strongly, so desperately as a child. Mika was going to grow up and make the world right, at least for those innocent kiddos who deserved it the most. Because he could show them best that there’s more to life than the rejection and isolation that would come to be the only thing they’d know for a long, long while.

Because even though he, too, was once thrown away without a care, he found his way to a warm home, to loving friends, to a family of his own choice. If he could make it, he could show them, anyone can. Everyone can.