#i had pregnancy on the lowest possible chance too....

[fungus-no69]

WHAT IN TARNATION

[stromuprisahat]

The Price of Life

How a single side-character with minimum of appearances manages to convey the dilemma of a person valuing life above everything else, forced to find their path in military, better than a POV character...

… I looked at Fedyor. “If you really believe that saving a life is an honor, then why not become a Healer instead of a Heartrender?”  Fedyor considered the passing scenery. “Of all Grisha, Corporalki have the hardest road. We require the most training and the most study. At the end of it all, I felt I could save more lives as a Heartrender.”  “As a killer?” I asked in surprise.  “As a soldier,” Fedyor corrected. He shrugged. “To kill or to cure?” he said with a sad smile. “We each have our own gifts.” …

Shadow and Bone- Chapter 4

Fedyor did the math and figured a well-chosen strike could prevent death of many. Nina seems to believe nobody deserves to die, which sounds like a similar starting point, doesn't it?

One would expect some moral dilemmas, development... and yes, Nina will face a possibly character-changing decision, when standing against the enemy's special unit including their leader. Right after witnessing this:

“Here we are,” Brum said, stopping in front of a door that seemed identical to the others. Nina peered through the glass. The cell was just like the ones on the top level of the prison, but the observation panel was on the other side—a large mirror that took up half of the opposite wall. Inside, she saw a young boy in a bedraggled blue kefta pacing restlessly, gabbling to himself, scratching at his arms. His eyes were hollows, his hair lank. He looked just like Nestor before he’d died. Grisha don’t get sick, she thought. But this was a different kind of sickness. “He doesn’t look very menacing.” Brum moved up behind her. His breath brushed against her ear when he said, “Oh, believe me, he is.” Nina’s skin crawled, but she made herself lean into him slightly. “What is he here for?” “The future.” Nina turned and laid her hands on his chest. “Are there more?” He blew out an impatient breath and led her to the next door. A girl lay on her side, her tangled hair covering her face. She was dressed in a dirty shift, and she had bruises all over her arms. Brum gave a sharp rap on the little window, startling Nina. “Look alive,” Brum taunted, but the girl didn’t move. Brum’s finger hovered over a brass button embedded next to the window. “If you really want a show, I could press this button.” “What does it do?” “Beautiful things. Miraculous, really.” Nina thought she knew; the button would dose the girl with jurda parem somehow. For Nina’s entertainment. She tugged Brum away. “It’s all right.” “I thought you wanted to see a Grisha use her powers.” “Oh, I do, but she doesn’t look like much fun. Are there more?” “Close to thirty.”

Six of Crows- Chapter 34

This is a man, who quite visibly enjoys his "work". He has thirty people to torture and experiment on in this particular facility.

And Nina decides he isn't just "worth saving" in some theoretical way, but that he deserves another chance, promptly leaving him in his own country in the same position he's at the beginning of the story, only a bit balder and without this particular playground with these particular toys.

All of that because her boyfriend tells her those people fear "her kind"...

I know people, who fear dentists. Does it mean we can isolate them and drug them for our own entertainment?!

But hey- it could be the lowest low of Nina's story! She deserves a second chance too, doesn't she?!

Don't worry, she'll get it, when she discovers another facility- this one systematically raping women, forcing pregnancies and collecting their offspring for further experimentation. Only our life-honouring heroine won't break even after this event, saving the man behind all this once again, letting him remain free to boot!

Saving a life is an honour.

Saving a life of unapologetic murderer targeting defenceless people is more desirable than hoping his demise might prevent unimaginable atrocities done to other human beings.

Nina believes all human beings deserve to live, even though their continued existence is the direct, intentional cause of plenty more deaths.

I don't know what to think about this. Nina doesn't even have the excuse of not seeing the direct consequences of her decision. Did she intend to become a Healer? Was she forced to switch to the "easier" choice once her training got cancelled?! A person with this sort of belief has nothing to do in the field, facing the enemy! Making decisions impacting others.

She isn't just incompetent, she's dangerous to those she should protect!

[wheneverfeasible]

I have for years firmly believed that the Jedi were the cause of Darth Vader, not the Dark Side. Anakin WAS meant to be the chosen one, but the Jedi never allowed him to him.

As the Chosen OneTM, he would inherently be different than the Jedi because he is supposed to be TRUE balance to the Force, not just to heighten the Light Side. He was supposed to be able to have his connections, his attachments, his love, and that was why he was created on a planet far out of the Jedi’s normal range of vision. It’s why he was born impoverished. He had to understand the lowest so that he could empathize with them, not just pity them.

But the Jedi were blinded by the Dark Side, as stated in film, and couldn’t see how far the corruption reached. Their fear kept a tight leash on tradition that didn’t work anymore. They weren’t the villains by any means, but they were unwittingly complacent in evil. And some of them were petty as hell about it too. (Looking at you, Mace.)

If Anakin had been truly encouraged to be the balance, to mend the tear in the Force and balance it completely, he would have been allowed to keep his attachments which made him stronger. He could have told the Jedi about the visions of his mother. They could have helped, might have even been able to save her if they were quick enough. He could have told them about his marriage, the pregnancy, his fear for Padmé. They could have helped him understand that those visions were caused by the Dark Side and protected Padmé and the twins and Anakin would not have felt the need to go to Palpy for help.

Yes, there was darkness in Anakin already. Even before the Jedi found him. Because he was made of both, as the original chosen one. He had to have been to be the balance. He wanted power, but that desire for power came from feeling powerless, came from wanting to protect those he loved. The darkness on him was the only one nurtured and listened to and brought forward by someone he looked up to in a familiar way. Padmé was there, yes, but Anakin was a little lost boy needing a parental figure. And that was exploited.

Had Anakin had the support network he so desperately needed, he could have quite possibly fulfilled his duty as chosen one. But he was failed, and so he failed. And then Luke, even Leia, could have become the next chosen one(s). But their fear, their inner darkness, held them back too because they too had too much of the old Jedi teachings in them. More diluted, certainly, but it still lingered. And so then it fell on to Rey. Rey, equally light, equally dark, born of love and hate. She truly understood how to be not just a figurehead for the Jedi, but a member of the people as well. He attachments made her stronger, and finally she could bring the balance that her forefather could not.

Is the Force truly balanced by the end of the sequel trilogy? Probably not. But it never could be because balance is something you have to work towards. Anakin never got that chance, neither did Luke. Perhaps Rey can, but that part of her story isn’t told to us. And even Anakin saw her as his replacement in the end, telling her to do what he could not. What he was never allowed to do. To be both, and to choose on his own who he was.

Idk. I just have this debate a lot with others and I know not everyone agrees with me, but it’s my personal feelings. I didn’t mean for this to be as long as it is and it definitely isn’t everything I could say on the matter. But yeah.

In essence, the Jedi messed up and were one of the reasons Darth Vader was born because they forbid him the attachments he needed to truly be the Chosen One. (And why Anakin was reborn at the love of his son.) So yeah. I wholeheartedly agree with Dooku.

Didn’t think I’d find myself agreeing with Count Dooku but here I am.

[bokutoslittlebird]

I’m Sorry

Alpha!Ushijima x Beta!f!reader x Alpha!Oikawa

Warnings: THIS IS A SEQUEL to Regrets, intention of suicide, suicidal thoughts and actions [overdose, cutting, falling], mentions of self harm [overdose and cutting], angst, pregnancy, bonding mention, I did not look up Argentina resident rules

The rain was heavy today.

You felt as if it was the universe’s way of saying it was sorry for you. The ride back to school would be in the pouring rain that matched the gloominess of your heart, only to enter a campus where nobody wanted anything to do with you. His scent was all over you; despite being a Beta, you could feel it. You had been claimed and nobody would dare try and claim Ushijima Wakatoshi’s mate, despite the fact you’re not his mate.

Sobbing did little to ease the ache in your chest, eyes blotched from the constant tears and your nose sniffling as you tried to wipe away snot with your sleeves. Your sleeves, not his sleeves of a jacket you stole. Reading stories of how an Alpha would bestow their mate clothing would always warm your heart, but sitting on a dirty busstop with nobody but the rain beside you, your heart felt cold.

“What are you doing?” Someone asked. Your head snapped up to see a brunet looking down at you, his attire telling you he was dressed to run. Running? In pouring rain? What an idiot. He was gorgeous, though, hair collecting silver droplets that seemed to only accentuate his features. Your eyes trail down to the black collar adorning his neck, hidden beneath the white and blue jacket he wore. He quirked an eyebrow, giving off a small chuckle. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost,”

“More like an idiot running in rain. What’s up with that?” You sniffle, rubbing at your raw nose and cursing the timing. An Alpha coming on a claimed Beta alone — words don’t need to be spoken for the other man to know why you’re crying. But instead of running off, he sits next to you. “You’re gonna get me wet, weirdo,”

“Well if I sit too close, I’d get snot on me, so maybe I’d be better keeping my distance, anyways,” he shoots back, barely batting an eye. You just scoff, rolling your eyes.

“Someone seems to have a problem with me. I don’t even know who you are, stranger,” you give off a grin, trying to keep up the light tone.

“Well, you’re wearing a Shiratorizawa jacket and you stink like Ushiwaka, so can you blame me for being a bit of an ass?” He says, grinning. Though you were keeping a light tone, his words quickly reminded you of the position you’re in. Gloomy day, pouring rain, busstop. Looking back to the ground, you sigh heavily.

“Well, at least it’s the most interaction I’ve had all day. Ushijima’s got a stick up his ass and no funny bone in his body, so I suppose if this is my last interaction, it’s better than him,” you off handedly say. The man beside you quirks his eyebrow once more, your words settling into his brain before he’s leaning closer to you. His shadow moves towards you, making you jump back. “What are you doing?”

“You’re pregnant,” he flat out says. Before you can shoot anything back, his eyes get sad as he pulls himself back some more. “You’re going to kill yourself because he abandoned you?”

“How-” you sputter, tears springing to your eyes once more, “how did you-”

“You know if he’s abandoned you, another Alpha can take claim, right? You’re not worthless,”

“Easy for you to say. I’m a Beta with an Alpha’s bond mark. An Alpha that doesn’t even want to talk to me. My family and friends have turned their backs on me because it’s my fault. I wouldn’t expect an Alpha to understand the other party’s feelings,” you say, wiping away the tears. Despite trying to appear strong, your eyes are wet and there’s snot running down your face. “No Alpha wants Ushijima Wakatoshi’s leftovers. Don’t make me laugh,”

“Well, a cute little Beta would look better with a genuine smile then tears in their eyes, wouldn’t you agree?” He smiles, rubbing your cheek, but you slap away his hand.

“Stop patronizing me. You sound like a creepy old man. Who even are you?”

“Oh, I didn’t think I had to introduce myself. I’m Oikawa Tōru,” he smiles once more, a genuine smile, as he holds out his hand. “And if there’s someone who hates Ushiwaka more than you, it’s me,”

“[Y/N]. You’re from Seijoh, right?” You shake his hand, although it’s brisk. His nod confirms your suspicions. The captain of the team that never beat Ushijima’s team, but always aimed for the top. Ushijima also mentioned how talented Seijoh’s setter was, but you never expected to be sitting on a busstop next to the man himself. “Well, you’ve gotten my life story and told me you hate Ushijima, so I guess it’s time for you to go back to running in the rain,”

“Nah, I can’t,” he shrugs, but you look at him confused, waiting for him to continue. Eventually, you ask him why. “Well, I can’t leave someone in need alone. If I leave, you’ll still kill yourself. You’re hurting and I can’t just abandon you. I’m not like other Alphas, you know.” You know his reference is to only Ushijima, but it warms your stomach nonetheless, seeing someone actually be there for you.

“I’m sorry you had to meet me then. If you hadn’t stopped, we’d both be blissfully unaware of each other’s presence,” you say, letting a sob wrack your body before covering it with a cough. “Guess I’m the weirdo getting sick,”

“Still thinking there’s no other option, huh?”

“Well what do you expect? You’re the only person who hasn’t told me to face my consequences on my own and turned your back on me. There really is no reason for me to stay here, especially if I have to raise a child without a support system. I’m still in high school, what the fuck,” you huff, running your hand through your hair, looking up at the sky, noticing how the rain has eased up and the sky is brighter. “I’ll be out when it comes, but the fact of the matter is I’ll graduate pregnant, who wants to go through that? I’m basically a cheap slut in everybody’s eyes. I just wanted to feel needed by someone I admire and this is what it results in? The more I think about it the more I want to down a bottle of painkillers and never wake up.”

“If nobody is sticking up for you, then maybe they’re not your real friends. Fair weather friends, only there for good tea and sunny days. If there’s nobody there for you, reach out for help,”

“I don’t want to be a burden,”

“People who will help you willingly won’t see it that way. Me sitting here with you isn’t burdening me, and I haven’t turned from you. I know we just met, but I want to help you. There’s a lot to live for and one setback doesn’t deserve to sever that line before you’ve even gotten to the good part. Good people exist, you just need to find them,”

“‘Find them’? I thought I had, so what’s the point in trying to find more, only to be disappointed?”

“[Y/N], was it? I’m right here, you know,” he puts a hand on his chest, a smile on his lips and shining in his eyes. “I’ve seen you at your lowest and I’m still here. Find someone like me,”

“That’s sweet, but I doubt there are multiple Oikawas running around in the rain,” you sigh, looking back up. It’s almost time for the bus, but you have a feeling that if he’s still here, then he won’t let you leave. “Are you gonna sit there until my opinion changes?”

“They don’t change that easily, trust me,” he chuckles, but it lacks the merry behind it. Glancing at him, his eyes are downcast as he runs a thumb over his knee. “But I don’t want to see someone die over one thing. There’s a lot to live for, a lot to strive for, that’s why I keep moving even after all my failures. If someone kills themselves for one thing, something I don’t see as a reason to end, I wonder if it was deeper than what it was on the surface. Was it a quick way to feel numb for a while? Was it an easy solution? Sometimes the easiest path isn’t the right one. Surviving an attempt makes you realize things can change, but what if you didn’t survive? If you regret putting the blade to your skin or stepping off the ledge seconds after you do it or seconds before death? You can’t change it once it’s in motion.”

“I never.. I never thought about it like that,” you mutter, your hands holding each other, fingers twiddling. A brief meeting with a handsome Alpha suddenly put things in perspective. A laugh breaks you from your trance, his mouth behind his hand.

“If I see an opportunity to help, I’ll be there, but the fact is I can’t change your mind. I would like to put things in perspective and give you options, but that’s all I can do. If the reason you’re planning to end it all is because you have no friends, I can help with that. I’ll be your friend when nobody else gives you a chance.”

You mull it over, thinking of your options. In the end, the worst that could happen is you end up back on the bench, in the rain, ready to match to your death. “You know, I was told that if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is,” you mutter, but rifle through your jacket pockets for your phone. “Don’t make me regret second guessing myself, Oikawa Tōru. If you want to be my friend, I’ll take the hand extended to me,”

“Wonderful! And just in the nick of time, the bus is here,” he takes out his own phone, ready to swap numbers. As the bus pulls up to a stop, Oikawa waves at you as he pockets his phone, your contact information all piled inside. You really hope you don’t regret this decision, too.

In the few days that pass, you find yourself wondering how you could have possibly thought bad of Oikawa. He was sweet to you, introducing you to his friends (who knew about your predicament prior), with their promise they’d never turn their back. Iwaizumi was also an Alpha, but the other two were Betas. You did think it to be odd about how they seemed to willingly to help you, stay beside you, despite having no reason to. Their only reason was a promise to you. To Oikawa? Maybe, but you never asked him about it; if you did, he’d just shrug and give you a vague answer.

He promised to show you the light on a dark and gloomy evening, and he kept that promise. As your friends turned their backs on you, scoffing about how your decision will affect you for the rest of your life, Oikawa was there when you needed him the most. He was on standby all hours of the day and night, his phone always on and beside him. When your family turned you away, calling you out on your sudden friendship with another Alpha while carrying a child, they kicked you out and you had nowhere else to go, Oikawa was there. When you felt your world crumbling around you, feeling hopeless and desperate, picking up a secret stash of painkillers, Oikawa was there to talk to you. He didn’t actively take away the pills, but he sat on the other side of the door and talked to you, listened to you. Even his mom was there for you when your family and friends had left you, but Oikawa stood beside you through it all.

Then your world crumbled again.

“I’m planning on moving to Argentina,” he had said. You were looking into colleges to further your education when he had knocked on your door, his old sister’s room, sitting on the bed.

“You’re.. leaving?” You wanted to add to that sentence, but you didn’t want to seem clingy. He’s been with you for so much, you’re not entirely sure you can be independent without him.

“It’s been almost 6 months since you met me. I actually went on that run to decide if I wanted to study abroad in Argentina, but after meeting you, I decided to wait. I’ve been studying the language and keeping up with local volleyball communities, but my dream is over there,” he explains. You click your pen and set it down, ready to ask if you should leave his house, but he continues. “I wanted to know if you’d come with me.”

“Wh- What?”

“I’ve been putting in extra time so we can both move together, get a fresh start,” his face tints as he speaks, hand rubbing the back of his neck. “It seems a bit forward, now that I’m actually talking aloud about it. Sorry ‘bout that,” he chuckles, before clearing his throat.

“You want me.. to come with you?” You ask, unsure if you’re hearing correctly. He’s asking you to move to a new country with him, which is exciting! But, the baby.. “He is due soon, you know,”

“5 weeks, if I remember correctly,” he smiles, looking down at the large bump. You run a hand over it, solemnly nodding. “He’d be born in Argentina, our new home, if you come with me,”

“But Ushijima—”

“He’s abandoned you, officially. Your bond, it’s hardly noticeable anymore. The scent, I mean,” he corrects himself. “He’s basically just a sperm donor at this point,”

“This is.. very sudden, you know,”

“I know. And it’s also a very grand way of asking to court you, while also essentially marrying you, but I will say that if you choose to stay here, Iwa-chan will take care of you. He’s going to study in California for some amount of time, but that’s not for another few months. There is Mattsun and Makki, but I’m not too sure-”

“Okay, don’t stress yourself,” you giggle, getting him to stop. “I’ll go with you, but you gotta teach me the language,”

“I’ve been told I’m a great tutor, actually,”

“I believe it. Will the bond go away, or is it just the scent that’s gone?” He raises his brows at that.

“Ah, I guess you never took those classes. The bond is permanent, but another Alpha can lay claim on a mate that has been abandoned. I’d be honored to replace his bond with mine, but I’m sure you’ll need-”

“I’m ready,” you interrupt him. He sputters as he processes the words, but then smirks.

“Are you sure? I don’t plan on making mistakes, so you’ll be stuck with me, you know?”

“Tōru, I’ve been ready for a while now. Hope you don’t mind bonding me while I’m pregnant,” your hand once more rubs the large bump, settling on the top.

“It just means I’ll have to wait until it’s my turn to try,” he licks his lips, moving towards the door. The locking sound seals your fate, keeping others from interrupting your moment.

- Years Later

“Koichi, come back here!” you shout, weaving in between the crowds. Aiko is somehow still asleep on your shoulder as you chase your son through the crowd. He’s been dying to meet his favorite uncle for quite some time, so see as he’s the trainer for the Nationals team of Japan, Koichi ran once the match ended. A brief Q&A with the members of the team would happen exactly right after they left the stadium, which he knew because of his father’s position.

You finally come to a stop, grabbing Koichi’s collar as he struggles to get through the crowd. “I told you to not leave me, and what did you do? Uncle Iwa isn’t going to suddenly disappear. He’s been waiting for this day, too, you know?”

“But mama! I told him I’d be the first one!”

“That’s impossible. The paparazzi gets to him first, that’s how it works in Hollywood movies,” you joke, but you pick him up. You’re no professional athlete, but you do stay in shape to take care of two children. As soon as you pick him up, he’s shouting as he sees Iwaizumi, trying to talk to the reporters. He catches Koichi’s waving hand and decides to take a break, going towards where you are as the crowd parts.

“How is the Oikawa family doing? I see Koichi is energetic,” he laughs, taking the boy from your arms.

“Ugh, as always. Don’t know where he gets it from, it’s not like his sister is bursting with energy all day,” you gesture to the child sleeping, despite the loud crowd.

“Well, definitely Oikawa’s kid. He sleeps through anything and so does she, jeez,” he sighs, but you just laugh. A few members of his team come over, excited by the new people.

“Iwa-chan, what’s this? Wife? Your kids?? You have kids???” A man with white and black hair says, giving Koichi a high five.

“Uh, no. They’re actually Oikawa’s wife and kids. I’m the favorite uncle, of course,”

“I wanna be the uncle! ‘Samu is never gonna get married, I need to be an amazing uncle somehow,” a man with platinum blond hair says, but he’s quickly pushed aside as a familiar face comes into view.

A face you didn’t want to see.

“[Y/N], I didn’t expect to see you here,” Ushijima says, tone as flat as ever. Iwaizumi takes on a forced smile as yours drops, a frown etched on.

“Didn’t expect to see you here either. Actually, ever again,”

“Oh?” The owlish man says, eyebrows quirked up as his eyes glance between the two of you.

“I see you moved on. I’m glad to see that,”

“No thanks to you,” the venom in your voice has Koichi turning to him, looking at the larger man with large eyes. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the resemblance. He’s got the same hair color and eyes as the man in front of you, taking hardly any features from you. Not to mention, Koichi is showing signs of presenting as an Alpha.

“Darling, that’s where you were!” Oikawa shouts from over the crowd, them parting so he can mingle with the group around you. “I was wondering where my personal cheerleaders went to,” he smiles, pressing a kiss to your forehead. His eyes meet Ushijima’s and despite being unable to smell the tension, you can feel it. Reporters and guests alike back away as the overwhelming tension of two Alphas clash.

“Oikawa,” Ushijima says. Oikawa just tilts his head, looking over his opponent.

“I thought you’d look more defeated after I wiped the court with your ass, but I’m more disappointed in that. Emotionless as ever, aren’t you, Ushiwaka?”

“No, I wouldn’t say that,” he says, then looks to you. “I’ve been meaning to say something to you, [Y/N],”

“Trust me, I don’t want to hear it. You’re too late, Wakatoshi. You’re much too late,” you say, before nodding at Iwaizumi. “I’m leaving,”

Despite turning to leave, Oikawa taking Koichi away from his uncle and new “uncles”, despite being in the middle of a loud crowd, you can hear him. It’s quiet, almost as if he knows the words are weightless, holding nothing after years of his abandonment. Despite Oikawa’s bond pulsing, your heart still yearns for the other man, what he could have given you and what he did to you. Despite all this, you’ve fantasized about hearing those words, yet they do nothing.

“I’m sorry.”

Author’s Note: I’m sorry this took forever to publish but I hope it was worth the wait! I didn’t keep track of time while writing this, so if something seems wrong just ignore it. I might come back and fix it later but probably not lol ; Argentina residency rules and citizenship requirements were not consulted for this, seeing as it only took up like one sentence, but I might change it if I look more into it of course.

[gatheryepens]

It ends with us review

Warning: Small spoilers ⚠️

Trigger warning: mentions of domestic abuse

There is no such thing as bad people. We’re all just people who sometimes do bad things

About: Sometimes it is the one who loves you who hurts you the most. Lily hasn’t always had it easy, but that’s never stopped her from working hard for the life she wants. She’s come a long way from the small town where she grew up—she graduated from college, moved to Boston, and started her own business. And when she feels a spark with a gorgeous neurosurgeon named Ryle Kincaid, everything in Lily’s life seems too good to be true. Ryle is assertive, stubborn, maybe even a little arrogant. He’s also sensitive, brilliant, and has a total soft spot for Lily. And the way he looks in scrubs certainly doesn’t hurt. Lily can’t get him out of her head. But Ryle’s complete aversion to relationships is disturbing. Even as Lily finds herself becoming the exception to his “no dating” rule, she can’t help but wonder what made him that way in the first place. As questions about her new relationship overwhelm her, so do thoughts of Atlas Corrigan—her first love and a link to the past she left behind. He was her kindred spirit, her protector. When Atlas suddenly reappears, everything Lily has built with Ryle is threatened.

Author: Collen Hoover

Rating: 2.44/5 ✨

Overall, I thought the book was okay. I’ve spent a long time mulling this over in my head (like over a month), so I think my opinions are fixed. I think had I written the review, just after reading, my thoughts would be different and the rating possibly higher - I read this book in a day so writing a review immediately would have been a rash decision, but after discussing with a friend and pondering for a month I think my opinions are set. The book starts off with Lily after her father’s funeral, she finds herself on the rooftop. Here she meets Ryle, after a truthful conversation they both go their separate ways. Due to a series of events, they meet again and after a great amount of convincing they end up dating, obviously throughout her relationship with Ryle there are many hardships as well as her fleeting thoughts of her past love – Atlas.

I think this has to be one of my lowest ratings I’ve given a book and a part of the reason is that there were quite a few things I just didn’t like about the book. Firstly, I hated the relationship between Alyssa and Lily, I just felt after she revealed she was dating Ryle there was just a lot of awkwardness and tension between the two, I also felt it was quite odd Lily hired her on the spot like there was no background or qualification checks. I also hated the connection between Ryle and Alyssa like out of every single person in Boston they had to be related, it overall just felt weird. It’s like Alyssa knew Ryle relationship-wise wasn’t going to be that great (it seemed there was a lot of hesitancy between the two) but in the end encouraged her to give him chances. That really annoyed me that one time in the book where Ryle is abusive towards Lily, Alyssa asks from a sisterly perspective for Lily to give him another chance. I do like at the end she did firmly encourage Lily to leave him. The plot point, where they have a 3rd sibling, I felt was a bit irrelevant, like it explains why Ryle is the way he is, but it also just doesn’t. I wish it was developed a bit more, personally for me it felt very surface level. Lilys pregnancy I also didn’t like (then again I’m not that big on pregnancy tropes) just for the simple reason that I felt she left for the baby and not herself. In some ways that is what she wanted her mother to do (to leave for herself), it makes me question well If she didn’t have the child would she have left or not – because she still loved him, but it came to a point where she was sacrificing herself for him which makes the parallel between her and her mother even more evident. All that being said one of my favourite qualities Lily has is that’s she’s bold and compassionate – we see this when she helps Atlas and, in some ways, see her boldness on the rooftop. However, her compassion was one of her downfalls.

Let’s talk about the two love interests Ryle and Atlas. First let’s talk about Ryle, on paper he seems like the perfect boyfriend – career driven, hardworking and family orientated. However, underneath all of that is a man with serious anger issues, at the start I didn’t really see it but when you look back the signs were all there (I mean he literally threw a chair when we first met him). I think what is really interesting with the book is Ryle starts off somewhat as a ‘good’ guy, compared to other books I’ve read from the get-go the abuser is a horrible person so it’s easier for us to see the signs and realise the person is not worth our time. But Hoover does an amazing job by not only making Lily fall in love but also the reader, which makes it infinitely harder to in some ways let go off Ryle, let alone differentiate between the two personas. Now onto Atlas, I’m not going to spend a lot of time discussing Atlas as I haven’t got much I want to say. Atlas as a character I’m not really that attached to, that is mainly due to the fact we only knew him in the past and although the past was important the present was more prominent, so it was hard to have an opinion on present Atlas. Past Atlas I thought was fine, It did though rub me the wrong way when he kept asking for Lily’s age, to me personally he just felt a bit too flat, like I didn’t feel that great of a connection towards him and because of that I didn’t really ship him with Lily. Present Atlas, I felt was better, but I wished he was more prominent as I yet again didn’t feel that connected to him at times, he just felt like a plot device. Atlas would show up, would be gone for some time then 50+ pages later he would come back again, it would have been much better if Atlas’ appearances were more consistent in the present.

Lastly, I would like to touch upon the fact that this isn’t actually a romance book, which is what I first thought the book was. When I first heard about it ends with us, from the blurb, I assumed it would be a romance with a love triangle. Yes, there are themes of love/romance, and you could stretch in some sense that there is a love triangle but, in the end, it is not intended to be one. It ends with us is a story about Lily, who is a person who went through and suffered from domestic abuse and decided to end the intergenerational cycle (‘My mother went through it. I went through it. I’ll be damned if I allow my daughter to go through it.’….  ‘It stops here. With me and you. It ends with us’). To end this review If you are planning on reading the book, I would recommend not reading the epilogue. I just feel like she needs some time alone and I just hate how ambiguous it was – it felt like Hoover was really throwing everything away or the sake of shipping.

Last book review ❤️‍🔥

[tinysatanplant]

This is awesome to see, I've always felt that menstruation could be altered far more than most people attempt due to doctors not really offering these suggestions. I've never had painful periods, but since they started mine were hellishly irregular and I wanted them gone completely.

The first thing I tried was contraceptive pills, those gave me withdrawal bleeding monthly (like a "regular" cycle) but that made me hate bleeding even more, and I felt like I couldn't function as a person that way. The doctor was only concerned with the regularity, not my desire to eliminate periods.

Next I went for a pill again, but one with a 3-month cycle, only one week of withdrawal every 3 months. I had to really push and ask multiple times about options to bleed less, it's like they didn't understand what I wanted? But I got it - this was one of the best things to ever happen to me!! I started telling all my friends with periods about this option, nobody seemed to relate though, so I stopped bringing it up

Side note, I also started using menstrual cups instead of tampons/pads around this time, and that helped a lot with the hygiene and comfort side of things

Then, finally, in my second year of college, I went for a low dose hormonal IUD (Kyleena). Taking a pill every single day was never easy for me to remember, and I became sexually active so I wanted the LOWEST chance of pregnancy possible (I was also living in TX at the time). Before this my mother had always scared me away from IUDs due to stories she'd read, but I went for it anyway.

Life. Changing. No more bleeding. No pills. No pregnancy concern. Less hormonal alteration than the pills too. I plan to get it replaced when the 5 years are up even though I recently had my tubes removed and can't get pregnant (YAY!). The IUD is worth it just for stopping my periods

Awesome to hear that there are still more options that can work better for others! Using testosterone like this is so smart and I'm glad it's helping boba-t-butch live, I hope this information makes it to people who need it <3

What procedure did you get to stop your periods? Was it an IUD or a full surgical procedure? I want to stop mine, hence why I’m asking.

baby taking brestosterone does that

[fictionadventurer]

well in the epilog katniss didnt really seem to want the children or feel anything for them but went through with it becuase "peeta wanted them so badly" so theyre sort of right becuase "woman pushed into having children she didnt want , possibly traumatising hermore becuase of someones desires" is a very anti choce stance.

See, that’s the prevailing viewpoint, but I’ve always had a problem with it. It’s so widely accepted by the fandom, but it ignores that the birth of those children fulfills both the character and thematic arcs of the series.

Let’s look at the entire quote.

They play in the Meadow. The dancing girl with the dark hair and blue eyes. The boy with blond curls and gray eyes, struggling to keep up with her on his chubby toddler legs. It took five, ten, fifteen years for me to agree. But Peeta wanted them so badly. When I first felt her stirring inside of me, I was consumed with a terror that felt as old as life itself. Only the joy of holding her in my arms could tame it. Carrying him was a little easier, but not much.

At first glance, it looks kind of bad. Like Peeta pushed her into having children despite her bone-deep terror. But this overlooks the fact that Peeta waited those five, ten, fifteen years for her to be ready. If he wasn’t concerned about Katniss’ choice, Peeta could have been more forceful in taking what he wanted. He could have left her and found a woman more willing to provide children. But he didn’t. And that heavily suggests that Katniss, in the end, is the one who made the choice.

Katniss feared having children because she feared for their future--feared a world where they’d starve to death, feared a world where they could be ripped from her arms and thrown to the slaughter of the Hunger Games. Katniss fears, more than even her own death, losing those she loves--look at how she was devastated by the loss of her father. Of course she’d be afraid to bring children into a world that’s designed to kill them. But the struggles of the series wouldn’t have much point if Katniss remained trapped in that fear, if her world remained a place hostile to new life. So the end of the series has to show that growth and change.

Of course it’s Peeta who helps her to move beyond her fear. Never forget that for Katniss, Peeta always represents hope. A new chance at life. When she was starving, at her lowest point of despair, he provided, at the cost of pain to himself, the bread that gave her hope. When they were in the Hunger Games, he gave her hope that the world could be transformed into something better by choosing to look beyond their own fears for survival and putting someone else’s needs above their own. Acting, not out of fear or self-interest, but for the good of the other could--and did--change the world. That changed world is one that welcomes children, and makes it possible, eventually, for Katniss to do so, too.

Giving birth to children doesn’t add to Katniss’ trauma. It shows her healing from it. Choosing to hope despite her fear. And what is her reward for it? Joy. Not mere happiness that ignores the pain, but joy that transcends it. Joy that does not erase the fear but makes the fear worthwhile. Joy that heals her enough to face a second pregnancy. And the joy of having two children who don’t know what it means to live in fear.

I appreciate that having children doesn’t magically erase Katniss’ trauma. Children are not a magical balm that will heal all ills and will bring fulfillment to every woman’s life, and the series isn’t arguing that it does. As the passage above shows, she will continue to live with her fears and regrets. But with Peeta and her children around her, she will also live with new life. And love. And always, always, hope.

[icouldntfinditsoiwroteit]

Story 1

At the moment I may or may not be a bit obsessed with One Piece without even watching the anime, and I'm even more obsessed with Sanji and the Vinsmokes in general, so I thought of four story ideas with a reader insert, two will be romantic and the last two will be platonic.

1. Aracne

Fem Reader X Vinsmoke quadruplets.

Soulmate au (red string, sort of)

Sneak peek.

In this Au Reader is a Third, her family has webbed countless portraits for the Vinsmoke family, she goes with her older brother in order to further her practice and experience in webbing a portrait.

She is four years older then the quadruplets and one year older than Reiju.

Story time

*Big brother says I need to be careful with the Vinsmokes, they don't act bad but I don't like how their eyes look and I feel dizzy when I look at them, although brother said that it was sea sickness,* (F/N) thought while she carried some of the webbing material behind her brother.

Her brother had three spider arms and one pair of human arms while she has tree pair of human arms and one pair of spider ones.

*Mother always says how we are total opposites in not only personality but also in bodies just like the Mrabara,* (F/N) remembered.

"Brother,"

"Yes?" They had already arrived to the webbing room.

"What is a Mrabara?" (F/N) moved to one side for her face to be visible.

"W-Where did you hera that word?" Brother's face was twisted in nervous worry.

"Mom,"

"Oh thank god," His face relaxed.

"Is there something wrong with Mrabara?"

"It's a mature word," Brother tried to explain.

"I'm mature," (F/N) pouted following her brother who had entered the webbing room.

"Never said you weren't.......just don't say it in front of Clío and if you do tell her mom taught you the word," Brother said while he started to prepare the webbing station.

"Come help me with this (F/N),"

Four hours later.

"Are you listening (F/N)?"

"Yeah," (F/N) muttered in her seat while she watched her brother web.

"What did I just say then?" Brother looked at her and smiled playfully.

".............."

"You already bored, don't you usually last for 7 whole hours?" Her brother gave her a worried look.

"I don't know," (F/N) really wanted to walk outside but she didn't know why, she loved webbing to the point that in her lessons they had to remind her to eat, although they said that it was normal.

"Tell you what, I'll ask for something to eat, meanwhile go and retrieve my webbing book," (F/N) lightened up at the thought of walking outside.

"Ok," (F/N) bolted to the door.

"Stick to the route we came from," Her brother reminded and she just nodded in agreement before she opened the door and left the room.

When she left the room she bumped into someone slightly smaller than her, she caught the stranger before they could fall to the ground.

"Are you ok? I'm so sorry," She looked at the stranger who had yellow hair.

"Hello?" She asked after stopping herself from apologizing again when she received no answer, the boy was frozen.

"S-S-So-orry-Sorry," The boy whispered.

"Why are you apologizing?" She then gasped recognizing the prince.

"Your highness, I'm so sorry," She apologized again.

Before she could keep apologizing they heard some footsteps approaching them and then someone calling out.

"Sanji!!" The boy stiffened at the voice calling his name, he took (F/N)'s hand and ran.

(F/N) followed along until they reached a dead end, she could see how the little boy was trembling and heard how the taunts and footsteps where still following them, but something good was that the dead end had a window.

She took out of her pockets a thread serger that had spider web her family told her to always carry with her, she roped the thread around the boy to create a small harness.

"I'm going to get you down there," The boy only looked at her in shock.

She pushed the window open and put the boy in the ledge of the window, under the window was a small bush where he could easily hide.

"Be very quiet," She said as she pushed the boy and started to let him down as fast as she could, the steps where getting closer and closer.

Luckily she felt the boy reach the ground a few second before the chasers reached her, but she only had time to throw her end or the thread and close the window.

"SANJI!!" She turned around in surprise and saw that a bow with green hair had yelled that.

*It's the princes,* (F/N) noted when the last two boys rounded the corner.

"Ichiji, this is just a girl," The blue haired one whined.

The red haired boy glared and (F/N) felt shivers when she made eye contact.

"Oi, where did Sanji go?" The green haired boy asked.

(F/N) only shacked her head.

"Then what is a insect like you doing here?" The blue haired one asked.

"Looking out the window?" (F/N) gave a look of "seriously", this seemed to anger them.

"An lowlife doesn't need to see out the window, maybe we should use this one since we can't find Sanji," The blue haired one was clearly the most volatile.

"(F/N) what are you doing here?" Came her brother's cold voice.

"Brother, I just wanted to look out the window," (F/N) explained while the boys turned around and their grins disappeared when they saw her brother.

"Young princes, I will be taking my sister with me now," He greeted politely.

(F/N) immediately followed him not looking behind, this made her brother the only one who saw the red strings tied to her pinkies.

Au info dump

In this Au there is a species called Aracne, this species is a hybrid between a spider and human, there are different forms a Aracne can be born into such as seconds, thirds and fourths, although the form is respective to the family they come from.

Seconds

As the name says, they are basically half spider and half humans, the spider humans is always the lower, members of this species are considered either as builders since due to their form it would be incredible dangerous for the to go into the sea and their silk is the strongest and more resistant or as knowledge guardians (librarians) and they have the most elders since they have the longer lifespan. They can also be seen as teachers and caretakers too, they are also the ones who take care of the security alongside the Fourths, there is usually two of them per family they take the role as grandparents or simply mentors although the last one is extremely rare and two is just the minimum but unofficially they take care of all family's since they most probably took care of them as children. Their bites are fatal and will take your life in less than a minute and can dissolve any surface.

Thirds

Their humanoid features are more dominant than the spider ones, in this form they possess either one, two or three pairs of arms and the rest takes the form of a spider leg that is always in their lower backs. When it comes to females their web exit is in the middle of where the lowest spider legs find themselves this causes them to be incredibly flexible to reach for the web. They are considered the negotiators and commonly leave their homes to aid their nest's economy, this is usually trough them selling their services in making clothes, rugs and even portraits with their silk but this kind of service is only given to royalty or families considered sacred or that are friends with them. (It is considered a honor or sign of power to have one portrait since it is believed that they can predict the future). Their bite is also mortal but will take six minutes to kill an adult, although it has been used in some medicine that kind of works like chemo.

Fourths

They are the ones who exit their island the most in unofficial matters unlike the thirds, this is due to their forms being less evident and easier to hide, they are the ones in charge to keep the island updated in politics, economy, science and culture although some of them also accompany as guards the thirds when it comes to political exits, they only possess two to tree pairs of arms, their whole body possess small hard hair that allows them to still be able to climb webs like the other forms, their bite takes ten minutes to kill someone or if they are a strong human they can survive but not without any damage that is usually caused to their muscles, although their venom if processed correctly can be used to cure countless of sicknesses, this is a secret guarded with their lives in order to prevent their active hunt. They are also the buffest since they need to compensate their lack of spider legs with their strength.

More info

Skin and eye color varies an there is no consistence, when it comes to eyes Seconds may possess 8 to 6, Thirds 5 to 3 and Fourths possess 4 to 3, two eyes is incredibly rare and only happens when someone is born from a Fourth and a human, hybrids are born from the union of two different forms, the Aracne are not against romantic relationship between different forms but when it comes to reproduce they worry, if a fourth became pregnant with a Second or Third they will die during the pregnancy or in childbirth since the baby's form will be mixed and the Fouth's body cannot handle it, same goes for a Third with a Fourth although there are higher chances of survival there is still the possibility of some life damage occurring, Seconds are the ones who can carry in a less dangerous way the offspring of the lover but due to the Second's anatomy a Fourth's baby has a 85% of chance to die and a Fourth's has a 50% chance to die in the womb.

If the hybrid is born healthy they are raised normally but health issues will come in the future if they aren't born with them already, although there are cases where hybrids manage to enjoy a full life, they still needed medical help to manage it.

There is a lot less danger if the child is a mix between a Aracne and a human, since a human's gene would only water down the child's form a long as it is the Aracne who carries, if it where the human they will die if they carrie the offspring of a Second or a Third, if it is a Fourth's child they carry it comes with less danger but their chance of survival is of less than 30%.

[livinglifebehindthemask]

The Chosen

Based on the book The Selection by Kiera Cass

Pairing: Magnus/Alec with a small side of Helen/Aline and Reyhill

Rating: M for Mature

Word Count: ~24,000

Art: @flynnifox

Beta: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myblackeyedboy

Summary: In a land where your place in society was decided long before you are born, Alec Lightwood spends his day as a farm hand for a local family. His family is just above the poorest in the country. The most he can expect in life is to die early from stress like his grandfather before him.

But this year everything will change.

The only son of the King of Edom has come of age. There will soon be a lottery between the counties and twenty-three young women will be picked to try and win over the heart of the beloved prince. However, this year will be different, for the first time ever men are allowed to enter as well. Will Alec risk the shame of coming out for a chance to meet his childhood crush, that is if he is chosen.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33675712/chapters/83691226

1

The sun was just rising when Alec awoke. The Lightwood household was still quiet, but not for long. Soon the rooster would caw and the whole house would rise. Alec leaned back in his small bed. Across the tiny room was his brother, Max. The poor little boy had soot still on his nose from helping their dad clean the chimney of the main house.

A bird started cawing outside of their window and Max stirred. Time to get up and get ready for the day. There were three children in the Lightwood household. The Lightwood family were Sevens. They were just above the homeless untouchables and people didn’t hesitate to remind them of this fact.

The Kingdom of Edom had eight class levels. Ones were the royalty and magical mystics. The second level were the models, actors, soldiers, and politicians. The Threes held most of the everyday jobs like teachers, doctors, lawyers, writers, and inventors. Fours were the farmers, chefs, and business owners. Fives were the artists. Singers, musicians, and dancers filled this level. The Fives were on the cusp of poverty for more than half the year. Sixes and Sevens were similar in that they were mostly servants, wait staff, secretaries, housekeepers, factory workers; however Sevens worked outside. They were also similar in pay. While their jobs were needed they were barely paid for their work. Eights were the lowest class, made up of the homeless. Traitors and criminals were among their ranks and they had to beg for food or steal.

Alec’s family lived on the Herondale family farm. It was steady work, but not well paid. The five Lightwoods did most of the upkeep needed on the farm. While the Herondale’s ran the business side of the farm. The Heriondales were only Fours, three levels above the Lightwoods, but they never treated them as anything less than family. However, even the Herondale’s were not that rich.

Max rolled over in his small bed and resumed softly snoring. Shifting out of his bed and pulling on his threadbare socks Alec pushed his feet into the worn out shoes and quietly shuffled out to use the bathroom. Alec splashed water on his face afterwards to wake himself up more. He heard a rooster and knew that everyone else would be getting up soon too. Down the hall from the bathroom was his parents room and his sister’s room. Izzy had a room to herself, but it was not much. It had been a place for storage once upon a time, but when Izzy got older they took her bed and squeezed it in the small room. It was big enough for a small bed, side table, and a chest at the foot of the bed. Still it was her little sanctuary.

His mother was already up, fixing food. He leaned over and kissed his mother’s cheek before pulling on his overcoat and heading outside. His first task of the morning was to milk the cows. Once he did that he had to make sure they were fed and comfortable. The chickens would be next.

The wind chilled him to the bone. Fall was not far off and winter would quickly follow. The crops would be harvested soon and the land left barren for the season. It had been a hard summer. The drought had lasted too long and their yield was not going to be as much as previous years. There was a possibility that the Herondales might have to let them go. This was the only home Alec had ever known and he didn’t want Max to grow up in this uncertainty.

The only way out of your level was marriage for women or being drafted into the military for men. At nineteen, men were randomly selected for the draft. For some it was a way out of poverty, but it also brought on more danger. Men that went to the front in the war with Diyu rarely came back. Still if he could get drafted and stay alive for at least a few months then the money he earned could help his family. One more year and he would be old enough for the draft. There was, however, an exception to the marriage rule.

Male pregnancy had always been the stuff of legends, but after the king's mystics found the proper mixture of spells and potions men were able to carry children to term just like women. While only Threes and up had enough money to pay for magical potions and spells, the lower levels didn't. Fours on down were more traditional. Men married women and had families.

"Hey." He turned to see Jace, the oldest Herondale son. Jace was about a year younger than Alec, all blond hair and muscles. The Lightwood and Herondale children had grown up together. There were five Herondale children: Jace, Sebastian, who was two years younger and a year younger than Izzy. Aaron was four years younger and the closest to Max's age. Then Layla and Dylan who were the only girls, twins of about five years old.

"Hey." Alec smiled back as his heart sped up. Alec was not like most men, he was in love with a man. Well two men. His place in society meant he could never have what he truly wanted.

"Need any help?" Jace was still rubbing his eyes.

"You can take that bucket back to my mom." Maryse, Alec's mother, and Izzy worked on the dairy side of the farm while at the same time Robert, Alec, and little Max did the tilling of earth. Jace nodded and walked, grabbing the full bucket and taking it back to the house. Alec sighed as he watched the man leave. He needed to snap out of this. Besides, Jace already had a girlfriend. So Alec being in love with his best friend was completely wrong. There were a handful of Twos and Threes but most of the province of Idris' residents were Fives on down.

The second man Alec was in love with was even more unattainable. Magnus Octavioasn Aemilius Bane was the crown prince of Edom, but Alec felt like he knew him after watching him grow up on the public access channel. He had copper skin, just like his mother, raven hair that was always perfectly coiffed, and honey gold eyes, like his father.

Alec sighed as he finished up with the second bucket. Why was he attracted to men that were so unattainable?

Later after the eggs had been collected and his mother had gotten the milk, he sat down for a simple meal of porridge and day-old bread.

"How is the harvest coming?" His mom asked his dad.

"Better than we had expected but nowhere near enough. Stephen said they will try to make a good profit on what they have but there will not be any left over." Robert sighed. The drought had really hit Idris hard. Fellow farmers didn't have any room for extra workers. The dairy would keep them going through the winter but Alec knew his father was already looking for other work.

“I can go into Alicante and see if anyone needs help.” Alec offered. His father had been looking too tired as of late.

“You are needed here, Alec.” His father sighed.

“After the last of the harvest. Maybe I can get enough work before the snow starts to fall.” His father would not say no to any work and Alec was the same way.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Izzy came into the boys’ room after dinner. Max was taking a bath so Alec was alone with his thoughts for a moment.

“Alec.” His sister walked over and sat beside him. “I just delivered some milk to the main house and I heard Mr. and Mrs. Herondale talking about the Prince. His birthday is soon.” Alec nodded as if trying to follow along but he was lost. Izzy sighed. “When a prince of Edom turns 20 he is deemed marriageable age.”

OH. It was time for the prince to find his spouse. Daughters of the King were usually married off to foreign leaders to secure bonds, but sons always married a daughter of Edom. Soon letters would be going out to every female between the ages of sixteen and twenty to be placed into a lottery and see which would become a part of the chosen few.

“Then you will be able to enter.” Alec said with a small smile. If a girl became a part of the chosen few her status was automatically upped to a Three if she was not a natural born Two or Three. Even if she went home the very next day she would still retain that level. Izzy deserved a better life than the one she lived.

“I was not finished,” She admonished. “They said that rumor has it that the Prince is bisexual and might be looking for women and men.” Alec’s head spun for a moment. The Prince was...how...no. It had to be a rumor. That was it, just a silly rumor.

“Ssso?” He hated how his voice slipped as he tried to sound confident.

“So, I will not be the only one that can fill out the form.” Alec shot up from his bed and stuffed his feet back into his worn out shoes.

“I forgot to check the hen house.” Alec nearly ran out of the door just to get away from her. No, absolutely no one knew of his feelings toward men and yet Izzy had pretty much spelled it out. Alec made his way over to the hen house knowing fully well he had locked the gate and nothing could get in or out.

If the Prince wanted a male spouse...it was not unheard of in the upper levels, however, as long as he could remember Princes married daughters of Edom, not sons of Edom. Tucking that thought away, back where it belonged, Alec walked around for a bit before he was sure Izzy would be in her room so he could sneak back in without encountering her knowing smile.

2

Alec wiped his brow before the sweat could fall into his eyes. It was nearly noon and the harvesting was almost done. His father was right, it was not going to be enough to make a decent profit. Alec had already decided he was going into town the next day to look for work. Neither his father nor little brother were looking particularly well lately. Max had always been a little sickly, but Alec feared it might be stress for his father. Roberts' own father had died around the same age from a heart attack. So had his father before him. Working all day outside in the heat and the cold for very little pay would be stressful for anyone. Alec was not going to let that be the fate of his father, not if he could help it.

Later after a small dinner the family traveled up to the main house to watch the weekly report. No one missed a report, ever. Even the homeless could find a store front to watch the report from. It told the people of Edom everything they needed to know from prices of produce, to the war. Tonight was going to be particularly special. This would be the night they would announce the Prince’s birthday and the Chosen guidelines.

When they got to the Herondales' they found that Dylan and Layla were already in Jace’s lap, each one occupying a leg of their favorite brother. Aaron and Max went to sit in a corner, probably going to play with cards or bottle caps. They didn’t much care for the report. A bunch of boring updates that never had anything to do with two lower class boys. It would be a few years before they started to take notice.

Izzy sat next to Sebastian, who was sitting next to Jace, and Alec took the floor in front of her. For the past year both mothers have been trying to push the kids together. Izzy could marry into a higher level and get out of the hard labor. Lower levels tended to marry early as premarital sex was punishamble by banishment or death. Most people married within their class and it was rare that a boy from a high caste would marry a level beneath him, not to mention three levels.

Jace already had a girlfriend, a little fiery red headed Five. Clary Fairchild lived in the middle of town, above a bookstore. Her past was a sordid one. Her mother used to be a Five, a painter in Alicante. A neighbor boy, who was a Four, had gone to a school far from Idris. One vacation he brought his new friend, a Two, to visit. Jocelyn fell for the charismatic Valentine Morgenstern.

They married and Jocelyn left Alicante for the capital. Unfortunately Valentine was caught in a plot to overthrow the king, along with his son, Jonathan. Jocelyn was innocent in the plot and in exchange for testifying against her husband she was able to go back to her hometown and became a Five once again. Clary was the younger child and only eight when all this happened so she went with her mother. The demotion from Two to Five must have been hard for Clary, who was used to such a grand lifestyle as the daughter of a politician. But she was a natural Five, being as good of an artist as her mom.

But if the weather didn’t get better both unions might have to wait. There might even be a possibility that Jace or Sebatien would be forced to marry a wealthier Four bride. Love was still the primary reason that most lower level couples married for, but in the upper levels connections took precedence over emotions.

“There he is!” Izzy cheered. She didn’t need to be so loud, but nonetheless Alec turned his head to the TV. King Asmodeus and Queen Annisa walked in, hand in hand with Magnus on his father’s other side. Magnus walked with grace and beauty. The raven haired man had his head held high. A streak of blue running through his perfectly quaffed hair. Being from the Bane family the Prince knew magic and knew how to change his appearance and he never missed an opportunity to make a statement.

Izzy squeezed her brother’s shoulder as Jace tried to calm the girls down. The report would start with the Edom national anthem, led by the royals themselves. Then advisers would stand one by one and give a brief update of issues around the kingdom. Only after that would the talk turn to the Chosen.

As the program went on Alec found his heart was beating faster. Why did it matter? Even if he did enter he would never be chosen and then he would bring shame to his family. He was expected to marry within his class, not above it, and to a woman.

Both families listened to the reports with the kids zoning in and out of listening. Max and Aaron were still playing in the corner, Dylan had settled down but her sister was still a ball of energy. Finally after the last governmental report, the one about the farms, the attention was turned to the master of ceremonies, Simon Lewis. His dark curly hair was perfectly styled and he held a microphone to match his magenta suit. Simon bowed before the King.

“Thank you, Sire. It is an honor to be a part of this historic choosing.” Alec felt his breath hitch for a moment. Historic, so it was true. The rumor was true. “Prince Magnus, might you join me down here.” The Prince stood from his chair and gracefully walked down the few steps and over to where Simon and a small table and two chairs waited.

“Thank you very much, Simon.” The Prince and the MC sat down.

“It is I that should be thanking you. Life is never boring around you.” Magnus chuckled.

“That is very true and soon it will be more chaotic.”

“Speaking of, how are you feeling about this year's choosing? Twenty-three young women chosen to come vie for the Prince's attention?” Simon wiggled his brows. “Must be quite a task.”

“It would be, but I have decided to take it a step farther.” Magnus turned to the camera and spoke straight to the people. “I am opening the Chosen to the sons of Edom, not just to the daughters.”

Those words buzzed in his ears loud enough that Alec didn’t hear anything else. <i>Sons of Edom.</i>

3

The news exploded through all twenty-three provinces of Edom. The local province registration offices were flooded with people, both male and female, all trying to get their chance at this lottery. In Alicante most of the men that signed up were Threes or Fours. No men from the lower levels were seen near the office. Even the Fours signing up were risking everything.

Robert had forbidden Izzy from signing up. “If he is that much of a deviant then we don’t need our family dragged into that.” Of course he had only said that within the confines of his small home with his family present. But that didn’t stop Alec from wanting it. He wanted to sign up and even made up his mind to walk the five miles to the office, twice, before he chicken out.

As the days went by Alec filled his time with finding new work to offset the cost of winter. He had found a few construction jobs along with cleaning up a couple abandoned plots of land. The money he brought home was well worth it. He had even started to forget about his own wishes until the night Max came down sick.

Max had never been that healthy, but most of the common remedies for colds kept the sickness at bay. He was not to work in the cold and rain, but being on a farm he often had to help his father and brother. The weather had started to turn cold when Max woke up one morning with a headache and he looked as white as a sheet.

Unfortunately they couldn’t send for a doctor, that was just too expensive. Even the Herondales didn’t have the money. Maryse sat by her son’s bed and tried to make him as comfortable as possible.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Izzy pulled Alec into her room and closed the door. “What do you want?” Izzy had been trying to get Alec alone all day, but there was work to be done. Finally after dinner she was able to corner him.

“Here.” She handed him a small white envelope. Alec looked at it and then back up to his sister. “Open it, you idiot.” She said, exasperated. Alec rolled his eyes and sat on her small bed to open up the envelope. The moment he read the first sentence of the form he knew what it was. It was the Chosen form.

“Izzy, no.”

“Alec, yes. This could be your only chance at real love.” That was if the Prince even chose him, which he probably would not. He would want some handsome Two or Three that knew poetry and how to model rather than when to plant the next crop or how to clean a chimney in under an hour.

“And what if it gets back to mom and dad? They can not afford the shame.”

“Alec.” Izzy took his hand in hers. Both of them worked hard but Izzy still had softer hands. “We are one step above the homeless. We live in this hell of a level because of our ancestors. That does not mean we should not want more. You don’t want to waste your life working outside on a farm, marrying someone you don’t love, and then possibly dying early from all the hard work?”

Alec looked back at the form. If the people of Alicante found out and refused to employ him...he could move to Brooklyn, thirty miles to the east, he reasoned. The city had more opportunities and maybe he could bring back a lot of money, but was this worth all that effort?

“Try, Alec. If you are picked then the family will get a stipend for your absence. That money could be used to heal Max. It could keep us in this house for another winter.” Izzy was right. If he was chosen his parents would get money and Alec would be elevated to a Three. Even if he was shown the door the first night he would have a different level that would allow him to be a teacher or a writer or anything else really.

“Ok, Iz. I will try.”

-=-=-=-=-=-

The next day before anyone had gotten up Alec rose from his temporary bed. Alec had given up his bed so his mother could sleep near Max in case he needed her. Alec took the worn out couch in the living room as his bed.

Going to the bathroom he combed his hair and washed his face. After everyone had gone to bed the night before Alec had looked over the form. It was said that pictures were taken when the person turned their form in. So much for it being a random lottery. Still Alec wanted to look his best. He had borrowed a shirt from Jace, not exactly telling him why he wanted it, but the light blue shirt looked newer than his brown or grey ones. It made his blue eyes pop and that was more than he could hope for.

Back out of the bathroom he stuffed his small satchel with his work shirt, the form, and some food before leaving a note for his parents. He was planning on finding work after he put the form in. It would give him an excuse as to why he had left so early. He would not turn any job down, no matter what it entailed.

It was early morning as he walked across the fields to the road that would lead him into Alicante proper. Alicante was a small town with a main street full of little shops and then homes surrounding it. The registration office opened at eight and he still had over two hours before that. He could take this walk at a leisurely pace. He didn’t want to be muddy or sweaty when he got to the office.

As he walked he tried to think what it would be like if he was chosen. There would never any be a chance with Jace. He didn’t favor men and only had eyes for Clary. Like Izzy said, this could be his only hope at a relationship with a man.

Slowly the sun rose higher and higher in the sky. People started to open their businesses as he passed main street. He would be back soon to see if anyone needed help. The business owners were always so nice to him and his family. Turning off main street he headed for the edge of town. The registration office was right across from the train station on the edge of town. He stopped by the station to see the price of a ticket to Brooklyn. If everything went south he would need a way out.

There was already a small line in front of the office. Two more days and the registration would be closed. It seemed he was not the only one that wanted to get their pictures taken early. There were a handful of girls with their mothers who looked like they were on their way to work. Probably Sixes going to work at local factories or maybe even bookkeepers.

The group looked at him for a moment as he stood behind the last woman in line. Even if he flushed with embarrassment he refused to turn around. He was here and he was going to put his form in.

Within twenty minutes of standing in line and a few more people joining the line the office opened. This gave Alec time to wipe his face of any dirt or sweat he had gathered from the trek. The wait was short before he was allowed in the building. The woman at the front desk looked him over before asking for his form. Most government office workers were Fours so he was pretty sure this woman looked down on him.

Taking out the form from his bag he handed it over. Where girls might have been able to put skills of cooking and sewing down Alec only had one skill, archey. He hadn’t even done it in years since Jace’s bow had broken in their early teens. Still it was better than any other skill he could think of.

“Alright, Alexander Lightwood?”

“Alec.”

“Alec. This way to the photo booth.” She motioned into a small room. Inside was a photographer and his assistant. Alec swallowed his embarrassment and walked inside.

“Come over, my son. Getting your picture taken for the choosing?” The man didn’t bat an eye at him. He must not be from Alicante.

“Yes sir.” Alec put his bag down on the floor near the door and walked over to where the man pointed to. Once he sat down the assistant made a few adjustments to the lighting before going behind the camera with the photographer.

“Alright, son. I want you to think of your happiest memory. Hold it close to your heart and smile. One.” Alec thought of a time when Jace, Izzy, and himself had played near a brook, acting like they were pirates that wanted to take over the world. “Two.” He remembered being chosen to be Jace’s first mate and how much pride he took in that job, mostly “swabbing the decks.” “Three.”

Alec smiled brightly as the flash went off. He hoped he looked as happy as he felt from the memory.

After Alec left the office he hid in an alleyway and changed his shirt. Stuffing the nicer shirt back in his bag he set off back down the street towards main street. That day he was able to scrape enough money together to save some for his train ticket plus a little more to bring home.

4

It had been two weeks since he put his form in. The lottery had closed and soon the Chosen would be picked. Even though he felt like he had changed, no one else seemed to notice. No one turned him away when he asked if there was any work he could do. That made him breathe a little easier.

So far he had brought in enough money that his parents could get medicine from the store to help little Max. He still was not better, but he hadn’t gotten worse. There was no way that in the next few months he could get enough money together so they could visit a doctor. If Max didn’t get better on his own there might only be four Lightwoods left.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Alec sat his pack down at the door and stretched his back and neck. Today had been a hard day. Only a few people needed help in the town. It was still another week until people started to winterize their homes. Both Robert and Alec had clients lined up starting the next Monday.

“Hey, Alec.” Izzy was in the kitchen stirring something over the stove.

“Please tell me you didn’t make that all on your own.” He ducked as a towel sailed towards him.

“It’s one of mom’s stews so no it will not poison you, but I might.” Izzy was not the greatest cook, mainly because their mom never let her help. Maryse wanted to be in control of everything in the kitchen but now with Max sick, she couldn’t.

Their father came in moments later. He looked paler than usual. The partiach had been working twice as hard the past couple weeks. They were both trying to make as much money as they could.

“Food will be ready soon, Papa.” Izzy said as she moved to cut up some bread. Alec went to the bathroom to wash up, followed by his father. They didn’t speak, both so tired, but they had to conserve their energy. The weekly report was coming on tonight. As Alec exited the bathroom it struck him tonight the twenty-three people were being picked. His heart beat a little faster as he walked himself back to the kitchen and sat down at the small table.

“Alec?” He looked up to see his sister placing the food in front of him. “You look spaced out. Please tell me you have not been working too much.” Alec shook his head and opened his mouth to answer but their mother walked in.

“Is the food ready? Max said he wanted to try it.” Their mother seemed to have aged several years in only a few days. Izzy dished out some of the stew, more liquid than solids. Their mother took it and turned back to the hall. Their parents passed each other sharing only a quick glance.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Robert, Izzy, and Alec were the only ones to make the trek up to the main house. Maryse refused to leave her child behind and Max was in no shape to walk up.

The Herondale household was more subdued than it had been a few weeks before when the Choosing announcement was made. Dylan and Layla still sat near their favorite brother but neither were very talkative. Aaron sat against the wall with his legs drawn up to his chest. Sebastian sat beside his brother with Izzy and Alec on his other side. Robert sat in a side chair while Mr. and Mrs. Herondale shared the other side chair.

The report started. The King and Queen walked out with Magnus beside them. His suit was made of deep green velvet with gold buttons. While he did look dashing Alec didn’t have much enthusiasm in him. They would announce the Chosen and Alec would not be one of them. No Seven had ever made it to the Choosing, not once in over two hundred years. They would not start now for a male.

The announcements were made but they barely listened. His father was staring into space either in deep thought or just too tired to focus. There was nothing particularly interesting about the announcement. Nothing they had not heard before. Finally Simon Lewis took the stage with an electric blue suit jacket.

“He has interesting style choices.” Izzy commented to no one in particular.

“And now the moment that I am sure everyone in Edom is waiting for. Prince Magnus, would you join me?” The Prince moved from his throne down to where Simon stood with a handful of cards. “Now, your majesty, I am told you did peek at a few of the pictures of applicants.”

“Yes. I was only allowed a few minutes to look through a few profiles, but everyone I saw looked stunning. I would be lucky to have any of them as my spouse.” Simon chuckled and pulled up his cards.

“Alright, then let’s get this started. In no particular order let’s see who the lucky twenty-three sons and daughters of Edom will be.” The first picture that came up was a blonde woman with a dazzling smile. “Camille Belcourt, Two.” Of course. “Merlion Knight, Two.” The next picture was a dark haired man with a slight smile.

The next few came so quickly. They were all beautiful people. Two more Twos and three Threes.

“Helen Blackthorn, Three.” Another blonde but her face was softer than the first blonde. “Lydia Brandwell, Two.” They had yet to give any below a Three. They might throw a Four or Five in there for good measure but that would probably be it.

“Andrew Underhill, Four.” A picture flashed of a joyous man with blond curls. Two more Threes and then their first Five “Maureen Brown, Five.” She looked more like a child than a woman, if she was sixteen it would be a miracle. More names rolled past but Alec had lost count. They had to be coming to an end soon. Izzy reached out to take his hand and he looked at her out of his peripheral vision. She was not looking at him but she was here for him.

Two more Fives, another Four, another Three, another two Fours, another two Fives. “And last but certainly not least.” Simon said before the last photo flashed up on screen. “Alexander Lightwood, Seven.”

5

Idris was a wash with activity. It had only been two days since the Chosen had been announced and the Lightwood family had had many visitors. They all wanted to congratulate a Chosen son of Edom. At first Alec’s family had been surprised. When his name came up on the television along with his glowing photo, Alec had froze up. Never in his wildest dreams did he think he could ever make it.

Izzy had jumped up from the couch yelling and dancing around. This seemed to lighten the twin’s moods and they got up to dance not knowing why. Alec felt all eyes on him but his eyes were still on the TV as the Prince thanked all the Chosen and wished them safe travels to the capital. Then the national anthem played again before going to snow.

After the TV was switched off there was no sound but the girls asking why they were celebrating.

“Home.” Was the only word their father said before standing up and leaving the room. Alec and Izzy followed close behind knowing an explosion was going to happen as soon as they made the walk down to their house. Maryse was in the kitchen when they came back, pushing her soup around. She was not all that hungry but needed to keep up her strength.

“Sit.” His father’s voice was clipped and both Lightwood siblings sat down at the table.

“What is wrong, dear?” Their mother asked.

“Alec entered the Chosen.”

“And won!” Izzy snuck in before her father glared at her.

“Alexander...” His mother started with sadness in her voice.

“You entered that lottery without a thought of what it could do to your family. We are nearly destitute, Alexander.”

“I know, Father..”

“No you do not! We will lose jobs! Everyone now knows you are a deviant. You will never be able to marry a good girl...” Alec slammed his hands on the table and stood up.

“I never wanted to marry a good girl! Father, I am gay. I have known for some time.” He knew since he was young when he developed his crush on Jace. “And I did think about the family. You will get a stipend for my absence. That will more than pay for the lodging over the winter and get a doctor out here to see Max.” Both of his parents sat stunned at their eldest son. “If I had not won then we would not have had to worry. No one at the Government office has said anything.”

As he ended his speech he felt himself slightly weaken and sat down. Izzy reached across the table to take his hand but he pulled them back into his lap.

“And how long do you think you can stay?” His father asked. “Once you are thrown out you will have nothing and neither will we!”

“I will be a Three.” Alec said. “I will be able to get a better job, one where I don’t break my back and die at 40.” This caused his father to pale. Most Lightwood men only make it to 40 or 50 if they were lucky. Life was just too hard. Finally his father sat down at the table with his family.

“The damage has been done. You have made your bed, Alec, now you must lie in it.”

It was the very next day that a few local workers stopped by to bring some food for the family. The next visitors were a few businessmen from town. They talked with Robert and offered him some work for a good price. They must have told a Doctor because the very next day Dr. Hodge, the local physician, showed up to examine Max. Finally something was getting done.

-=-=-=-=-=-

On the third day a Mr. Victor Aldertree knocked upon their door at two p.m. The dark skinned man looked out of place in the Lightwood home with his beautiful three piece suit and top hat, though the man didn’t exactly look like he wanted to be there to begin with.

“May I speak with Mr. Alexander Lightwood?” The family brought the man into the kitchen and sat around the small table. Izzy was pleased to be a part of all this. Alec felt sick.

“Now, Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood, I have a few questions that need to be asked of you and of young Mr. Lightwood. Some of these questions are of a sensitive nature. I feel that it might be best if your daughter were not present.” Izzy gave an indignant sound and stormed off. Alec would fill her in later.

“Alright, Alexander, I need you to answer all these questions as truthfully as you can. If at any time we find out that you have lied you will be reprimanded and thrown out of the Choosing. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Alec nodded.

“First question, when was your last physical exam?” Alec blinked as he couldn’t remember.

“I do not remember.” They didn’t have money to go to the Doctor that often. Aldertree marked something down.

“Would you be willing to get one, paid for by the Crown.” He added.

“Yes.”

“Very good. Now sexual orientation.” Alec flushed bright red. “Would you consider yourself hetreosexual, bisexual, or homosexual?”

“Hhhomosexual.”

“Have you engaged in any sexual activity with a member of the opposite sex or the same sex?” Alec felt like his face was going to burn off from the heat of embarrassment.

“Nnno.”

“To which one?”

“Both.”

“Very good.” The man wrote something else down before moving on to less sensitive questions. By the time Aldertree was packing up Alec could feel a headache coming on.

“Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood, Alexander. Someone will be in touch with you shortly about the trip to the capital and a schedule for a physical examination.” The man exited the house and put his hat back on. “Good day to you all.”

6

It was a Thursday when he would finally leave his family and journey to the capital. Edom City was named after the country for which they resided in and was the main headquarters of the royal family and the military. From what Alec had read about when he was younger there were buildings so high up you couldn’t tell where they stopped and the sky began.

There was not much for him to pack. His family had used most of their money on a new outfit for him. The palace would be taking over his wardrobe once he got there and most of his clothes had more holes than a beehive. He was taking only his small satchel filled with a few trinkets.

Max had given him a wooden horse that Jace had carved for him one year. <i>“It will keep you safe.”</i> Izzy gave him a small book that she had purchased a few years back. Alec loved to read but he had neither the time nor the books to actually read. <i>“When you have time between kissing the Prince and talking to high society you can sit somewhere and read.”</i> His mother had given him a handkerchief that she had embroidered his name on. <i>“I hope you will be happy, dear.”</i> His father, however, didn’t give him any trivial trinket. He was not a man that was sentimental. Instead he gave a few words of advice. <i>“While I do not like this, you are the first Seven to ever be picked. Head up and chin out. Show Edom that a Seven is not as lowly and weak as they think.”</i>

The day before Jace and Alec had sat by the river and briefly talked. Saying goodbye to his best friend was not as hard as he thought it would be, but he knew once he got to the palace he would miss Jace terribly.

“I think it's really cool you went for what you wanted, Alec.” Alec looked over at his blonde friend.

“You don’t mind me being...”

“Nope,” Jace said, shaking his head. “I kind of always knew. I don’t know, like this feeling.” Alec found himself blushing and looking away from the other. “I mean, if I was like you, I wouldn’t mind having you for a partner.” That caused Alec to blush even deeper. They didn’t say much after that, just sitting by the river listening to the water.

When they got up to leave Jace reached in his pocket and pulled out a small bracelet of colored beads.

“I had Clary make this for you. I know it's not much...but I don’t want you to forget about me.” Alec felt tears in his eyes when he pulled Jace into a tight hug.

“I could never forget you.”

The car arrived to take him to the station. Once on the train it was a straight shot to the capital but they would be making a few stops. After Idris they would be traveling through the Undying Lands, the biggest farmland in all of Edom and the richest. First stop would be Winter Vale where they would pick up Helen Blackthorn. Alec had done very little research on most of the other Chosen but since the Undying Lands were so close he looked up the three people coming from there.

Helen’s family were from level Three, being mostly lawyers and educators. She was actually going to become a lawyer when she was chosen. Now that Alec had become part of the Chosen he had ascended to the rank of a Three. Maybe he would become a teacher or librarian. He did like books and to be surrounded by them would be wonderful.

Six and Sevens attended a mediocre public school. They learned only the basics and were done by the time they were sixteen so they could get out and start working. They didn’t need much more than that. If you worked in a factory or out in the sun why would you need to know complex chemical formulas or the history of Edom before it was called that. Alec smiled slightly, he would never have to work out in the sweltering heat ever again.

After Winter Vale would be Spring Dale, where they would pick up Meliorn Knight and Annabelle Powerton, both Twos. Meliorn’s father had been drafted into the military when he was nineteen, he was already a Two so his status wouldn’t change. Apparently Merliorn did not want to follow his father into the military and the man had never held a job in his life. Being at the high end of the age range maybe he was just hoping to become the spouse of the next king of Edom. Annabelle’s father was a politician and very trusted by the people in the Undying Lands. She was a pretty girl, petite with chin length brown hair, and a tiny waist. Any one of the other Chosen from this area would be better suited for life in the royal palace.

Alec had never been on a train so when he was shown where the car the Chosen would be riding he jumped as the train started to pull out. Sitting in one of the oversized chairs he looked out as the land whipped past. Soon he would be out of Idris. The farthest he had ever been from home. After the Undying Lands was the county of Adamant Citadel, where the military trained, then on to the capitol. The trip should take around four hours, at least that was what he had been told.

There had not been any big send off for Alec. Anyone who was anyone had already wished him good luck. He had said goodbye to his family at their home. The Herondales had come to see him off and Alec’s heart ached to hug Jace goodbye. His first crush. It all seemed so long ago. Now he was on a train headed for his future, whatever that would be.

-=-=-=-=-

At their first stop Helen Blackthorn was brought on. She was a tall, thin woman with blonde hair that was pulled back from her face, and blue-green eyes. She wore a black long jacket over a tan pantsuit and tall heels that made her much taller than Alec who stood at 6’1”. She was nice but a little aloof. They spoke for a little while before their second stop.

As they pulled into the Spring Dale station, Alec could see from the train all the fanfare that the next two Chosen were getting. A man with long brown hair, half tied up, was waving and carrying flowers. He had on an all white suit that Alec wondered how he kept clean. By the time the other Chosen had got on and came back to the car Meliorn had ditched the flowers. From what Alec could see now Meliorn was not wearing a shirt, just the suit jacket.

Annabelle was walking behind him looking a slight bit mift. Oh dear, drama and they had not even got to the capital yet. Annabelle came up to Helen’s midriff, she wore a short pink lace dress and black shoes. She had a small bag on her left arm that looked no bigger than an envelope.

Meliron sat across the aisle from Alec and Helen and took out a grey box and started pressing on it. Annabelle sat next to Helen, who was across from Alec. She didn’t even look his way. Helen had been nice, but no doubt Annabelle didn’t want to associate with anyone that used to be a Seven. Sighing he turned back to the window.

After Spring Dale was miles and miles of farmland and forest. Some later they entered the Adamant Citadel countryside. No more farmland, but flat, lush greenery around small bunches of trees. They sailed through only one town. It had been a couple hours and Alec was getting tired of looking at fast moving scenery when a voice came from the ceiling.

“We will be arriving in Edom within the hour.” A jolt of excitement went through the four Chosen. Annabelle was getting out a mirror and some makeup from her tiny purse. Helen also opened her satchel to take out a mirror to make sure her hair was still in place. Meliorn was sitting up and straightening his jacket before taking a cloth and wiping down his shiny white shoes. Alec just pushed some of his hair from his face, behind his ear. Why did he need to look good anyway? Prince Magnus’ eyes would overlook him for someone like Meliorn or Annabelle.

It was not much later when Annabelle squealed and pointed out the window. Turning in his seat Alec saw the great city of Edom. There were many greyish buildings all clustered together. The sun shone brightly on the buildings and windows. It looked beautiful but so different from the county of Idris. It glimmered in the distance like a beacon. They passed the treeline right before they entered the station. From what Alec could see there were no trees or plants of any kind. Just cement and steel.

The train started to slow down as they went through some sort of tunnel. Out of the window all he could see was concrete until the tunnel opened up. Beyond the train was a bustling station with people moving too and fro. Some sat on seats and looked at the same box that Meliorn had taken out. A wall hid his view of the other patrons. When it opened up again he saw that his area was not crowded. There were only a few men in uniform waiting.

The train slowed to a stop. As the Chosen exited the train for long black cars, Alec realised how lonely and far from home he was. <i>“Head up and chin out. Show Edom that a Seven is not as lowly and weak as they think.”</i> Alec took a break and closed his eyes. He might have been a Seven but he had been through more than anyone else in the Chosen. Opening his eyes he stepped into the black car, his blue eyes shining with determination.

7

Alec rode to the palace in the back of a long black car with the rest of the Chosen. Annabelle was going a mile a minute about everything around them. Meliorn was fixing his hair for the third time and Helen was just nodding along to whatever Annabelle was saying. Alec on the other hand was just holding his breath. His last boost of confidence had left him feeling better but he still knew he was out of his element. While Helen had been nice to him, neither Annabelle nor Meliorn had spoken one word to him.

Instead of focusing on that he looked out the window at the large grey building that seemed to be spurting out of the ground below them. What struck him as odd was that there was no greenery around. No plants, trees, or shrubs. This was unlike anything Alec had ever imagined.

“Why are there no plants?” He found himself wondering out loud, then felt utterly embarrassed.

“The soil here is unusable. The country before Edom didn’t care about their land and piled waste anywhere they could.” Helen explained in a soft voice. “Now the ground can not grow as much as one weed. The royal family has been trying to reverse the effects of the toxins, but the mystics have not found a way yet.” Ah, that made sense, although it didn’t sound familiar so that must have not been something they were taught in school. History of the earth would not be high on the list if your only duties were only following the directions of your superiors. Still, it saddened him. He had never lived without greenery in his life. Even with all the work he had to do there was never a day that he didn’t get out in nature.

The palace came into view between a row of buildings. It was like the city parted for them as the road led up to Edom’s royal palace.

As soon as they got out of the car three people, two women and one man stepped up to them.

“Good day, Chosen. My name is Iris, this is Victor and Jane. We are part of the public relations department here at the palace. Each one of you signed a contract to not disclose anything that might make the royal family look bad. We know this was not an easy adjustment for some of you, but now that you reside in the castle you will make the monarchy look good. As such we are here to remind you and wish you a pleasant stay. Just through the doors you will have the chief maid and she will direct you to your rooms.” With that Lanette was done talking to them and moved to the side.

Had he signed a contract? He didn’t remember, but he was pretty sure when he had signed his name back at his home that one day he had pretty much sold his soul.

They trudged up the stairs to the large double doors which were opened for them and a woman with dark brown hair tied up in a nice updo welcomed them.

“Hello, chosen few. My name is Imogen and I am the chief of the attendants. If there is anything you need don’t hesitate to ask. Now let me introduce you to your maids.” Each Chosen got a set of maids or butlers in Meliorn and Alec’s case.

“Miss Blackthorn, these are your maids. Lucy, Aline, and Donna.” Helen curtsied to her maids, which seemed to be flustered with her movements. They must have not been curstiesed to very much. Annebelle was next and then Alec. “Mr. Lightwood, these are your attendants, Will and Jem.” The two men bowed slightly to Alec. No one had ever bowed to him him, a worthless Seven. Well he was no longer a Seven, he was now a Three, but it would take a while to get used to it.

“May we take your things?” Jem asked, his arm already stretched out. All Alec had was the bag on his back.

“I can carry my things.” Alec said nervously. The men looked at each other as if they were trying to communicate with only their eyes. The rest of the Chosen had already started to move farther into the palace. “I only have this bag.” Three sets of eyes looked at the small bag.

“Alright, Mr. Lightwood, please follow us.” Will said, motioning for Alec to follow them. Will had coloring like Alec; dark hair and blue eyes. His face however was full of more color than Alec’s pale skin. Jem had the same type of looks as the prince. Thinner eyes but warm brown irises.

They went up one set of stairs and then another. At the top of the second set of stairs they made a left down a long hallway and then another left only to turn right and then left until they were in a little alcove with a single door. Alec couldn’t help thinking he was being shut away from the rest of the Chosen. He didn’t see Helen, Annabelle, or even Meliorn.

Jem was the first to the door and opened it. Inside was a room roughly four if not five times the size of his own home. It was like a dream. Walking into the room he took in the balcony and the large four poster bed. The canopy was a soft cream color tied back with little silk ties. The bed was decked out in all manor of pillows and lush fabrics.

“Does it suit you, Mr. Lightwood?” Alec blinked and looked back at his three attendants. Suddenly he felt very small. This had been a dream less than a week ago but now being here, inside the palace he felt...wrong. A Seven didn’t belong in a palace, even if he were to work there. He would just soil the place with his filth. “Mr. Lightwood?” Alec could barely hear the name past the panic and rush in his ears.

“I’m fine.” He felt everything but fine. “May I have a moment?” The three attendants looked at each other in that same wordless communication.

“Yes, Mr. Lightwood. We will be just outside the door if you need us.” Quickly the three men disappeared leaving Alec alone in the huge, unfamiliar room. Falling to his knees Alec buried his face in his hands and cried. It was the soft, barely there cry he had felt so many times in his life when he couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t belong here and by the end of the day he would be the first sent home.

8

It was nearly six when his attendants came back to get him. They brought in a beautiful suit of silvery grey. In the time they had left Alec the young man had cried out all his emotions, leaving him feeling numb and drained. He had splashed cool water on his face from the bathroom and at least looked more put together than he felt. He didn’t even mind the men helping him dress in the beautiful garment.

Dinner was served promptly at seven thirty. That was a little later than they ate back at home, but when you worked all day outside with only a meager sandwich for sustenance you tended to be starving after work. Dinner would be the first chance any of the Chosen would meet the Prince. It would be informal, a quick smile and hello. The next day, however, would be the make or break day.

From what he had gleaned from a bit of research was that the Prince would be expected to cut at least five members of the Chosen within the first week. King Asmodeous had cut seven girls the first day. His father, the late King Modomus had cut about the same amount and the Prince's great-grandfather had cut the competition in half by the third day.

Alec expected to be one of the few to be cut early. He was nothing like Meliorn, sleek and graceful or like that Camille woman he had seen on tv. She had the air of a princess even from just the brief smile he had seen.

“Mr. Lightwood?” A Gentle voice broke through his thoughts. In the mirror he could see Jem looking back at him as he fixed his collar.

“Yes?”

“Be yourself. Do not let them scare you.” Alec wondered what he meant but Will was interrupting them to attach silver cufflinks.

“I will be back shortly with your shoes.”

“Do I look alright?” Alec found himself wondering aloud, looking into Will’s blue eyes.

“You look breathtaking, Sir. The Prince will surely notice you first.” Alec didn’t know if the man was just placating him or he really thought a Seven could stand up to a room full of the elite. He had to remember that even his attendants were above him. Working so close to the royal family and inside the palace meant they were Sixes, yet they treated him as if he was so far above them.

Will returned them with immaculately polished shoes so shiny Alec could see his own reflection in them. Once he was completely dressed Jem showed him down to the dining room. The room was already half full of Chosen contestants. Panic gripped at Alec’s heart as he took in the variety of dresses and suits.

“Breathe, Mr. Lightwood.” Jem told him with a smile. Another servant appeared to take him to his seat. Thankfully he was seated between Helen and another woman named Maria. Maria was a talkative girl. Within a few minutes he knew she was a Four, her father owned a leather making business near the capital, she had three younger sisters and no brothers. She liked to sing but that was just a secret between them and the rest of the table. She made Alec feel so much better. A couple more people joined their table as Maria chatted up a storm. A Three from the outer county of the kingdom named Jessica, another Four named Xander, a Two from the glittering capital aptly named Duchess and last was a familiar face from the broadcast, a Four named Andrew.

Andrew was the last to take his seat at their table. He wore a sleek navy suit and tie. He looked a little flustered and apologized for being late.

“My attendants could not decide what suit to put me in.” Maria started asking about his wardrobe up until the point where a servant loudly cleared his throat and announced the royal family. All of the Chosen stood as King Asmodous and Queen Annisa came in, arm in arm followed by the Prince.

The Prince glittered like diamonds in his nearly all white suit. A few girls at another table nearby nearly swooned and even Alec felt himself flush slightly. Once the royal family had made their way to the head table the Chosen were permitted to sit. The Prince was the only one that stayed standing.

“Thank you chosen few for making the long arduous trip to our fair capital.” The Prince started, thanking them for coming. “Tomorrow I will have a chance to thank each of you in person, but for now I wish you would enjoy the selection of foods from around the country. Eat and be happy, without a care in the world. Thank you again.” With that the Prince sat down and the food was brought in.

There was so much that Alec scarcely knew what to eat first. Many of the foods he had seen on TV or for sale in Aleconte’s marketplace, but he had never had the pleasure of tasting. Most of them he didn’t even know the name of. No day old bread, porridge, watery stew to be seen.

“Helen.” He asked in a quiet whisper as Helen put some sort of fluffy white food on a plate. “What is that?” Helen just gently smiled and passed him the serving bowl.

“Potatoes.” Potatoes? He had never seen such white and creamy potatoes in his life. Taking a spoonful then passed it to Maria who was talking to Xander about the many foods from her province. After most of the food was passed around, from which Alec had taken a little bit from each, he started to eat along with the rest of his table guests.

The food seemed to melt upon his tongue. The flavors exploded across his palate and at one point he even moaned aloud at the taste. He had never seen so much food and the variety was amazing. Potatoes so fluffy and white like little clouds. Meat so tender he didn’t have to cut it, it just fell apart.

“Oh yes, you are a Seven, are you not?” Jessica asked from across the table. “I supposed this is the first time you have ever seen such food.” It was a backhanded way of calling him poor, but it was true.

“Yes and I intend to enjoy it.” He was a Seven, but he had done more in his short existence than that woman would ever do in her whole life. She may have been born with a silver spoon in her mouth, but Alec had had to work for every scrap of food he got.

“Even in my family we try to eat more meagerly.” Helen said, taking a bite of meat from the end of her fork. “My family tries to give as much spare income as we can to charity. Some of these dishes I have never seen, but they are all delicious, wouldn’t you say Maria?” That pulled Maria into the conversation which effectively ended any tirade Jessica might have. The blonde girl smiled at him and Alec felt that amongst this sea of sharks he at least had one friend for now.

After dinner came dessert. Miles and miles of pastries and sweets, things that would make his brother’s mouth water and his sister jump for joy. Sugar was so expensive, so they rarely had anything sweet. Only on the new year would they get a small toffee that Alec was sure his parents saved up for all year. He couldn’t decide on what to eat first. Helen took a slice of some sort of cake. It was red in color with white icing.

“You must try this, Alec.” She said, gesturing to her slice. “Red Velvet is my favorite cake.”

“Does it really have velvet in it?” He asked, taking a small piece with his fork. She laughed.

“No, but it is so smooth and feels like velvet.” Alec took a bite and found it entirely too sweet for his liking. The flavor was good but the amount of sugar was too much.

“Is there something not so sweet?” She smiled back and then turned to look at the selection of food.

“Excuse me.” She said calm and sweetly to one of the servers. “Do any of these have less sugar in them?” The servant looked shocked that he was being addressed but then nodded. He grabbed a plate of three dark balls of something covered in brown powder and surrounded by raspberries.

“Dark chocolate truffles, Miss.” He gave her the plate which Helen then passed to Alec.

“Dark chocolate has less sugar added to it. It makes it a bit bitter, I have never liked it, but maybe you will.” Alec nodded in appreciation. He took his folk and cut one in half. It was soft and as easy to cut as butter. Taking one piece he placed it in his mouth. It was bitter but it still had a smoothness and not too much sugar.

After he swallowed, he nodded. “It’s good.” She smiled back.

“It is also one of Prince Magnus’ favorite dishes, I believe.” Alec found himself looking back at his plate with a blush. Chancing a glaze towards the head table he could see Magnus talking with his father and mother with a truffle on the end of his fork.

After dinner the Chosen were taken back to their rooms. At least one of their attendants was there outside of the dining hall to greet them. Alec and Helen were speaking about the foods they had never had before when they heard a scoff. Turning they both saw an extremely beautiful blonde woman in a red gown, but whatever beauty she held on the outside certainly did not match her inside.

“I thought it was a joke, but they were serious about letting a Seven inside the palace.” Alec found himself looking down, it was what he had been taught. “You aren’t even fit to shine my shoes. But I suppose that is why they put you over in the west wing. No one ever goes there. Come servant.” She swept up the stairs with a maid following swiftly on her tail.

“And that would be Camille.” Helen said. “She may have been the queen bitch back home but I am sure Magnus will see right through her.” Alec hoped she was right.

9

Back in his room Alec had to convince his attendants that he didn’t need their help getting dressed for bed. He could do all that himself.

“We are here to serve you, Mr. Lightwood.” Will said calmly.

“I don’t need servants!” He yelled so fed up with everything. “Look, you are Sixes and I am a Seven. We can do things on our own.”

“You are now a Three, Mr. Lightwood.” Jem spoke up.

“Please call me Alec!” He was just so tired and worn out from everything. “Please, just leave me.” The men nodded at him and left. Looking in the mirror of his vanity he saw the poor level Seven boy that tilled land and feld trees dressed up like something he was not. He didn’t belong here. He didn’t belong in this suit. Jessica and Camille were right. He would be gone by tomorrow morning.

The longer he stared the quicker his breathing came. Standing up he took off his jacket, tearing the cufflinks from their spots on the jacket. He pulled at the tie and unbuttoned the shirt. He still couldn’t breathe. Running to the window he tried to open it but found it bolted shut. He needed air, he needed freedom.

Out the window he could see a vast garden. The soil might be toxic around the city but it seemed that the royal family had their very own piece of paradise. Gasping he turned from the window, ripped open the door and ran as fast as his feet could take him. He found the grand staircase and nearly jumped down all of the steps to get to the first floor. Looking around he saw that to the left of him was a large doorway open to the night air and to the garden.

Making a break for it he didn’t even hear the guards telling him he needed to go back to his room. All he saw was air and grass and trees bathed in moonlight. He did feel one of the guards grabbing him none too gently.

“Sir, you need to get back to your room.”

“No, I need….please!” He felt like the world was spinning.

“Sir!”

“Let him be.” Came a voice from beyond the doorway.

“But your Majesty.”

“I said let him be.” The guard let Alec go and he stumbled before running head long outside into the cool night air. There was a distant smell of exhaust that he had first caught at the train station, but for the most part it was clean, fresh air. He fell to the ground putting his hands in the earth, feeling the grass move as he shifted. His toes dug into the cool dirt. By him was a rose bush and farther out were rows of yellow flowers. He had stopped hyperventilating and panicking, breathing in the floral scents all around him.

“Do you feel better?” Alec whipped his head around at the voice. Not two feet away was the Crown Prince. He was no longer in his white suit but some sort of leisurely button up and grey slacks. Maybe to the Prince this would be dressing down but to a Seven it looked just as fancy as the suit had.

Dropping his eyes he nodded. “Yes, your Majesty.” Then the Prince did the most unbelievable thing. He sat in the grass next to Alec. The dark haired man felt his jaw drop. Did the Crown Prince of Edom just sit on grass next to a common Seven?

“You are Alexander, are you not?” Alec must have looked like a fish out of water before he pulled himself together and sat fully on the grass. This would probably stain his suit, crap, he had forgotten about that.

“Yes, your Majesty. Most people call me Alec.”

“I see. Well then, Alec, you may call me Magnus. At least while we are alone.” Alec felt a blush on his face as he looked away. It was dark and there was no other light besides the moon. The light from the door was too far away to illuminate anything.

“I couldn’t. You are the Prince.”

“And you are one of the Chosen. That makes you something special as well.” Alec was flushing again.

“Thank you for talking to the guards. I know I should not be out here.” Magnus waved that off.

“You needed to come out here. I saw your face and heard your voice. You were panicking.” Alec was ashamed that the Prince had seen him like that. He would surely be sent off in the morning. “There is nothing to be ashamed of.” Magnus said as if reading his mind. “It happens to many people. Even I have felt it.” Alec looked back at the prince.

“How...you always look so calm.”

“I am for the most part, but there are times I am overwhelmed and need a break.” That did not sound like the Prince Alec had seen on the television all his life. Magnus had looked like nothing would phaze him, even at seven when he was finally presented to the people.

“Well thank you. I did need this.” Being stuffed inside a building for most of the day and almost, well actually it had been too much.

“Tell me, Alexander, how are you feeling about being here in the capital?” Looking back up at Magnus he studied the man but he gave nothing away. What answer was he looking for?

“It is an honor to be here, your Maj-”

“Magnus.” The Prince cut in.

“You called me Alexander.” The Prince chuckled and nodded.

“I did, but your name is much too special and beautiful to be shortened to some mere nickname.” Again Magnus was making the dark haired younger man blush.

“Well, it is an honor. I never knew Edom was so vast.” He had seen a map of the kingdom at school but that had been years ago.

“And being in the castle?” Now that was a little harder to comment on. He was a minnow in a sea of bigger fish. What was even harder was that he didn’t have his family’s support here. “Is there...anything a miss?” Magnus sounded a little lost.

“No. It is just...so different to my home, that is all.” He remembered what Camille had said.

“Your Highness. It is time to come in.” A guard called from the doorway. It was getting late. Standing up Magnus reached out a hand to help Alec up. The instant their hands touched it was as if a shock went through their bodies that left them both looking down at their hands.

“Thank you for letting me come out here, Magnus.” Finally they pulled their hands apart.

“Please don’t tell anyone about this. I am not supposed to meet with the Chosen, formally, until tomorrow. Besides, I want this just to be between you and I.” Magnus stepped closer to him and Alec felt his heart beating fast.

“Your Highness!” Magnus actually growled at the guard’s insistence.

“Coming!”

Back in his room Alec stripped out of his soiled clothes and folded them neatly. He would have tried to get the stains out but he was not sure the beautiful suit could take the scrubbing needed to take the stains out. But, as he slipped into bed after a short shower the thought about his meeting with the Prince and a smile crossed his face. Even if he was sent home in the morning he would have the memory of meeting the Prince and touching his soft hand.

10

Jem was not happy with the stains but he would help Alec to keep his secret of sneaking out to the garden. However, Alec had not told him about meeting the Prince. That was solely a memory just for him.

After he had been woken up, early the next morning he was dressed in a day suit. It was not as fancy and intricate as the suit from the night before. It was a light grey with a light blue shirt and no tie. Will had explained to him as they dressed the young man that the royal family always dressed up for dinner. That sounded so unpleasant. What if you spilled food on your priceless clothes?

“Today the Prince will be cutting some of the Chosen.” Will said as he stepped back looking at the shirt. “Take off your jacket, please. Jem, get me the medium blue shirt with the subtle diamond print.” Alec quickly took off the jacket and unbuttoned the shirt.

“Does it not look good?” He asked. It was probably just that Alec looked horrible in the color. His mother had said that wearing blue would only draw attention to his eyes. A Seven was not to be seen nor heard from. They were just supposed to do their job.

“It does not make your eyes pop. On second thought, get the violet shirt.” He called out to Jem. “Purple will make your eyes pop. We have to make you stand out.” Stand out, meaning he had to catch the Prince’s attention. After the previous night he was sure that would not happen. Maybe Magnus would let him at least have breakfast before he sent him packing.

Giving the blue shirt to Jem, he took the purple one. It was a beautiful color. Buttoning it up he slipped the jacket back on.

“Yes, that is it.” Will said.

“You are so good at matching.” Jem complimented his friend.

“An artform that I have cultivated over years of working with the royal family.” The three men chuckled for a moment before helping Alec finish up.

The Chosen were gathered in a salon off the great hall. When Alec arrived there were only a couple of people. Two men and one woman. Each one looked beautiful in their day outfits. The woman, who had red hair, was wearing an emerald day dress. The sleeves were short and off the shoulder. Her hair was done in waves and curls that made it looked like a waterfall. Both of the men were in day suits. One was a cream color with a bright red shirt. This man had slightly longer hair. It was gathered loosely at the nape of his neck and curled slightly. The second man had a dark grey suit and blush pink shirt. The front of his dark hair was combed back into a high curl over the rest of his hair.

As the other Chosen started to appear Alec took in all their clothes. Each one was dressed better than the one that came before them. Alec felt very plain in his grey suit. His hair had not even been fixed like other men. It was allowed to go in its tousled state. The only part that was taimed was his darn cowlick.

“Alec!” Helen came walking over to him with a gentle smile on her face. Her blond hair was tied up with a few tendrils framing her face. Her light blue day dress looked wonderful on her slim figure. Annabelle was behind Helen in a long buttercup yellow dress. Her hair was down but curled.

“Helen, Annabelle. It is good to see you.” Not so much Annabelle but Helen was a welcome sight in this sea of strangers. "I like your hair." Helen smiled with a little flush.

"Aline did it. Isn't it pretty?" She turned around so Alec could see the back. Her hair was twisted in braids. There were little gems stuck in parts of her hair.

"Aline?" He didn't remember anyone by that name.

"One of her maids." Annabelle added.

“You look great, Alec. That purple makes your eyes stand out.” Helen said quickly to change the subject. At least Will would be happy.

“Thank you.” He flushed a bit. “I was not sure...everyone else looks so much grander.”

“Nonsense.” Helen brushed off. “You look just as handsome as the rest of the men. Right, Annabelle?” The blonde turned to her companion, who just nodded. Alec gave her a small smile. At least she didn’t tear him down.

“Move!” The three of them looked up to see Camille walking in. Her bright red dress was skin tight and backless. Apparently she didn’t get the memo that this was breakfast and not a ball.

“Ugh, you’re still here.” The woman turned up her nose at the sight of Alec. “At least your outfit is as boring as you. Better for me to stand out.” Helen was the one to step up this time.

“Yeah, because I heard Prince Magnus really loves stuck up bitches.” A hush went over the room. No one spoke or even breathed. But Helen was not backing down. She was not afraid of this spoiled child.

“Why you-”

“Breakfast is ready.” Rang out a servant’s voice, telling them it was time for them to move from the sitting room to the dining hall.

Breakfast was pretty much like the night before. The Chosen were seated around tables in front of the main table. The royal family would then enter, while the Chosen stood, and then bid the rest of them to sit. Next came the food. Even more wondrous than the night before.

There were fruits, tarts, breads, bacon, eggs, fried potatoes, anything anyone could want. Alec again tried a bit of everything. This was a far cry from his usual meal of porridge and maybe stale bread. If only he could pack up some of this food and send it to his family.

“Ladies and gentleman.” Once the meal was over Magnus stood up and spoke to the Chosen. “I have decided to kick off this Choosing with some one on one time. Each one of you will meet with me. I will be able to get a better sense of you. For now I would like Miss Hannah Whitman to stay. The rest of you please adjourn to the sitting room and wait for our meeting.”

A woman to the right of Alec's table, in a light green day dress, was the only one that continued to stay seated while the rest of the Chosen stood up and left the room. They were taken back to the sitting room where they had waited before. Most of the Chosen started to gossip about meeting the Prince, one on one. A few girls even giggled and squealed.

Alec on the other hand was not that excited. He was sure Magnus would tell him that he would be leaving within the hour. A strong man like the Prince didn’t need a spouse that had a panic attack over something as silly as not feeling the earth beneath their feet. Although, the idea of Magnus ending up with someone like Camille irked him. Said wolf in sheep’s clothing was sitting with a couple other girls as Camille told them loudly how she would win the Prince over.

As if.

Slowly the group of twenty-three men and women started to shrink as they were called to talk to the Prince. Annabelle and Helen had already been called when Alec was finally summoned. He had been talking to Andy, a Four from a county far from Idris, about the farming they were missing. Andy’s family might have been Fours but they were poor and could not afford extra help.

“Alexander Lightwood.” Both men turned their heads. By now only a few Chosen were left.

“Good luck.” Andy smiled at him and it felt genuine. Other than Helen, everyone else was out for blood. They wanted to be the spouse to the most powerful man in the land. Yet in the sea of man eating fish Alec had happened to find two good people.

Alec was taken to a side room just down from the sitting room. Inside was a small table and two chairs. Magnus beamed brightly when he saw Alec.

“Please, have a seat, Mr. Lightwood.” He said formally as he stood up. Alec nodded and sat in the seat across from him. When the servant finally left Magnus seemed to relax.

“How was the rest of your evening? No more panic attacks I presume?” Alec shook his head.

“No, your Majesty.”

“Magnus, remember?” Alec flushed and nodded. “I am glad to hear that, Alec. The last thing I would want is for you to feel overwhelmed and I was not there to help.”

“Thank you again...Magnus. It was very kind of you.”

“Any true man would have done it.” But they both knew that was a lie. While Alec might be a Three on paper he still had the stench of Seven on him. Magnus was a good man and he would be a great King. A kind King that loved all his subjects. “We talked about what you like here at the castle, but what of your family? Do you miss them?”

“Yes.” He said at once. Alec missed playing with Max on the rare breaks from work. He missed gossiping with Izzy and imagining a life away from all the hard work. He missed the warmth of his mother’s hugs and the gruff voice of his father as complained about the crops. He also missed Jace… He loved the man with all his heart but being here made that love seem different somehow.

“They must be a wonderful bunch.” Alec blinked as he was pulled from his thoughts.

“What?”

“The emotions that went through your eyes. You miss them very much. Please tell me about them.” It seemed that was all Alec needed as he started to describe his family.

He spent the most time talking about his sister and brother. Just talking about them made him feel home sick. He missed them a lot. While he missed his parents too he missed his partners in crime more.

“I wish I could share the food I have enjoyed with my family. It might even help Max. My little brother is always getting sick. I hope the money being sent to him means that he could go to a Doctor for once.”

“What do you mean ‘for once’?” Magnus looked confused.

“Your- Magnus, I am Seven or I was. I have not been to the Doctor since I was a baby.” The only time he was seen was just after his birth. His parents had to save up the money for their first born. They wanted to know their child was healthy.

“You don’t have money for Doctors?”

“Or medicine.” Magnus looked floored. “You don’t know what Sevens go through, do you?”

“I didn’t know...is it like this everywhere?”

“Most Sixes and Sevens barely have enough money to live. Fives are not much better, but they do get more pay for their art.” The raven haired Prince was leaning back in his chair and looking hard at the table.

“My people can barely live yet I have never wanted for anything.” Silence filled the room. Alec felt bad at being the one that showed Magnus the truth.

“Magnus-” But he was interrupted with a hand held up. Finally Magnus looked back up at him.

“You are amazing, Alexander. I have only known you for less than a day but I am sure I would love to learn more.” Leaning forward the Prince took one of Alec’s hands. “Be my prince, my future husband.” Now it was Alec’s turn to look floored.

No. Magnus did not just say that. He did not just ask a Seven to marry him. No. Alec had used all his luck just getting here. There was no way Prince Magnus Bane wanted lowly Alec Lightwood.

“You must have others to see.” Alec pulled his hand back and stood up so quickly he nearly turned the table over.

“I don’t care about them. I only want to know you.” Magnus also stood up. Thankfully the door was right behind Alec. Turning he rushed to the door before Magnus’ voice stopped him. “I will wait for however long you need.” With that Alec opened the door and closed it behind him before rushing back to his room.

He was dreaming, he had to be.

11

It had been almost a week since Magnus had proposed. For the first couple days Magnus would try to win over the scared younger man, but every time Alec would change to the subject. It was a joke, it had to be. Soon Magnus would get tired and choose someone that would actually be a good spouse. They went from seeing each other everyday to once in a while.

At dinner after their first official meeting Helen had told him that Magnus had cut the group down to only fifteen people. Of course Camille and Meliorn were a part of that group. Either one of them would be a better Queen or Prince Consort than Alec.

The next day the smaller group started etiquette lessons. Thank whatever Gods there were out there that they were split into two groups. Males and females, each one having their own etiquette teacher. The seven men left were given their lessons by one of the King’s royal advisers, Lord Lorenzo Rey. The man was also one of the few mystics employed by the Kingdom.

The man was intolerable. Everytime Alec misstepped or made a faux pas the man was quick to correct him, loudly and somewhat cruelly. It was as if Alec was being singled out. Even Andy did just as bad a job as he did and yet the mystic kindly corrected him. To say the least Alec’s life was turning into a living hell.

Camille took every chance she could to tear Alec down. Most of the words he ignored until the bitch started to talk bad about his family.

“If only the Kingdom had a way to get rid of Sixes and Sevens. The Kingdom would be less polluted with worthless rabble.” Alec immediately stood up and walked out of the room. Later when Jem and Will found him Alec had been crying, his eyes red. They both helped him back to his room and got a cool cloth for his puffy eyes.

Soon things went from bad to worse. While the first couple days Magnus had little mini dates with Alec, usually to the garden or the library, he had been choosing others. Each time he was in the sitting room with the rest of the Chosen and one of the other men or women were Chosen he could feel himself die a little inside.

He tried to tell himself that Magnus was quickly realizing how bad of a choice Alec would be. He tried to hide it from everyone, which worked for the most part, but it seemed that Helen, Will, and Jem could read him too well. Helen tried to pull Alec into little card games she played with Annabelle, Andy, and a few others. She pulled Alec’s mind away from the Choosing and onto something fun. Once Alec went home, aside from Magnus, Helen would be one of the people he would actually miss.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Alec was wandering around the halls of the palace. It was raining outside and Magnus was on a date with one of the Chosen. He couldn’t escape to the one place he felt safe in this foreign land. Turning the corner he found Andy on the floor, knees nearly up to his chest and his hands in his hair. It almost looked like a panic attack but he was not breathing hard.

“Andy?” The curly haired man’s head went up and he was surprised to see someone had found him. “Are you alright?” The man sighs and nodded but then shook his head.

“I don’t know.” He said. Alec walked over and sat on the floor near him. “Do you ever feel...like you don’t belong here?” Andy asked. “I don’t know why I was kept here. I have nothing to give the Prince. Our dates feel...mechanical. Like he is just going through the motions.”

“I am sure it is not that bad.” Alec tried to comfort his friend. He was not as close to Andy as he was with Helen, but he still understood the feeling of not knowing why he was still here.

“Yet I don’t want to go home.” He said under his breath, which Alec could barely hear. “I don’t understand why you haven’t been on more dates with him. All he talks about is you.” Alec felt himself turning red.

“I think you misheard.” Andy chuckled.

“I didn’t, Alec. The Prince holds you in high regard. I don’t mind, like I said, I don’t feel anything between us.” Alec’s head was spinning, Magnus talked about him on his dates with other Chosen?

“What does he...say?”

“He talks about how kind and caring you are. About how much you care for your family. He also talks a great deal about changing...” Andy looked around to make sure no one was near before leaning in. “About changing the level system.” A couple times Magnus had talked to him over the past week he had said something about the levels and how he hated it. Magnus must have done more research on the caste system in Edom. He was a smart man, it was only a matter of time before he learned the truth.

“It would be nice...but I don’t think it would happen. Some people would not be happy.” Mainly the Twos and some of the Threes, the upper class.

“It would be...I always dreamed of working for the people. Being a politician of some kind...” Andy shrugged. “I’m a Three now so I suppose I could teach.” That has been Alec’s plan too.

“To be honest, I never had a dream of what I would be. I knew I would work in the fields like my dad and granddad. Now I have a chance to think about it and I still don’t know.”

“We have all the time in the world, Alec. We can now have further education if we wish. We will find our place in this world. Me as a teacher and you as the future Prince Consort.” Alec flushed and tried to back track and talk his way out of here only for Andy to laugh at him and get up.

“Thank you, Alec. Just for being here and listening to me. There are not many people I can vent to.”

“My pleasure, Andy.” Alec got up with the help of the other man. “Now let’s find something to do before we both die of boredom.” Both men laughed and headed off to the sitting room to see if there was a card game already going on.

12

It was the day before the national broadcast when Magnus finally called upon Alec. They would have a picnic the next afternoon. The rest of the day Alec spent his time with Will trying to pick out the perfect outfit that was not too casual but not something he would regret getting stains on.

“Personally, Mr. Alec, I believe the cream shirt and the tan trousers are the way to go.” It had taken Alec nearly a week to get Jem and Will to call him Alec, although they both still preferred to use “Mr.” along with his given name.

“What about grass stains?” Alec worried about making even one little stain on his new clothes. They were so nice and expensive. It felt wrong to treat them with such disrespect.

“I am sure the Prince will have a blanket for the two of you. You should not worry, besides Jem knows how to get stains out of clothes.” The dark haired servant looked over to his friend.

“I do, but I prefer not to scrub too hard. Though, I agree with Will. The cream shirt and tan trousers are the best.”

That was how Alec found himself the next afternoon. Will had rolled the sleeves up on the shirt and left the first two buttons open. Alec was thankful his chest hair was thin and sparse or it might show with how low the shirt was. Well it was low for Alec.

“Alexander.” Alec turned to see Magnus walking toward him. The man was breathtaking in his simple outfit. He had on light grey trousers, khaki shoes and a muted dark teal shirt. It was all tailored specifically to him, as if painted on his body.

“Your Highness.” Alec bowed slightly.

“Come, I want to show you something.” Magnus held his arm out for Alec. The dark haired man flushed, but took the arm. They walked out into the warm sunny day. “I want to show you the maze. My great grandmother had it installed to honor the gardens of her youth.”

“Maze? As in...we could get lost?” Magnus chuckled.

“I could get to the center and out of the maze blindfolded. I have been playing in this garden since I was a child. Do not worry, you will soon know your way around the garden.” Magnus took them into the maze. After a few twists and turns a bit of backtracking they found themselves in the middle of the maze. There was a water fountain with a marble mermaid atop a marble shell.

“Beautiful.” In front of the fountain was a checkered blanket and a picnic basket. “Magnus...this is too much.” Magnus shook his head.

“This is what you deserve. All this and more.” They sat down on the blanket and took off their shoes. In the basket were several little treats. Mini sandwiches, bite sized tarts, a variety of fruits and cheese, along with two bottles of something dark.

“Magnus, what is this?” Alec asked as he picked one up.

“Soda. It is a fizzy drink from the old Kingdom. My great uncle found a recipe and tinkered with it until he got it to his liking. It's rare because it takes so much effort.” A fizzy drink? What was a fizzy drink? Magnus took the bottle from Alec’s hand and a small metal object and popped off the mental top. It made a sound and bubbles rose to the surface. Giving it back to Alec he warned that the bubbles might feel like they burned the first time he tried it.

They did. The first sip felt hot but it was not painful, just strange.

“Thank you for sharing this with me.” Magnus smiled and picked up a fruit.

“You are welcome.” They continued to eat for a little bit longer before Magnus spoke again.

“I want to share a lot more with you, Alexander. Like my future.” Alec flushed and looked away.

“I am not right for...”

“Me? The Kingdom? No, you are perfect. You care about the people that no one else does. You have been through so much and yet you are not bitter. You do not hate me for what my family has done.”

“Magnus, your family has not done anything.”

“Maybe not this generation but back in time they made your family Sevens based on how much money you had. That was not right, Alec. This system is not right.” Magnus sat back. “I knew it was not right but I also didn’t know how to change it so I tried to block it out and worry about what I could control. Then you come here and open my eyes to people like you, my people. The people that I swore to look after, yet they toil to death with no one to turn to. A family should not have to choose between food and healing their child. It is unacceptable.” Magnus was not wrong. Life as a Seven was hard. Alec knew this. It took such a toll on his father that they might only have a few years left with the man before he joined his own father in the ground. Izzy deserved more, Max and his mother deserved more. They all deserved the right not to worry.

“I am a Seven. You should marry a Two or a Three.”

“The spoiled children of the elite? Then I would only perpetuate the cycle further. I do not want my child to think it is their right to lord their position over the people. The Bane family is here to serve the people, not the other way around.”

“I don’t know how to be royal.”

“Then I will help you. I will be by your side, along with Will and Jem.” Alec looked at him. He knew his servants by name? “They used to be my servants. When they were dolling out servants for the Chosen, I had Will and Jem assigned to you.” Moving closer he took Alec’s hand. “The Choosing is not as random as most think. Only about a third are random. Most are hand picked by their profiles. I was allowed to look at the profiles and choose two. Looking through the profiles I saw your bright smile. You looked so happy. You were my only choice. I wanted to get to know you from the moment I saw you. I had Will and Jem placed as your attendants because I trust them with my life.” Magnus ended his little speech with a kiss.

The press of lips against his made Alec relax into Magnus. It just seemed so impossible that someone like Prince Magnus wanted him just from a single picture. His class had meant nothing. A warm hand cupped the back of his head as Magnus opened his mouth. Alec was not sure what to do so he just followed Magnus’ lead. His first kiss was in the most special of places.

“Prince Magnus! Your Majesty!” The call from the guards caused the two to pull apart. They could not see anyone but that didn’t stop Alec from turning his usual shade of red.

“I never can have a moment's rest.” Magnus said with a sigh. His hand had slid from Alec’s head down to hand. “Yes!?” Magnus yelled back.

“Your father needs you.”

“Can it wait?”

“I am sorry, but it can not.” Magnus sighed again. “I finally get you all to myself and it is cut short.”

“It’s alright.” Alec brushed off.

“No, it is not.”

“Your Majesty?”

“I am coming!” This was the first time Alec had heard the Prince snap at anyone. “Apologies.” Magnus looked sheepish as he stood up. Putting his hand out he helped the other up. Pulling Alec close to him, Magnus kissed Alec once more. “Until tonight, Alexander.” With that Magnus navigated them back out of the maze.

They split at the grand staircase as Magnus traveled down a side hall that led to the King’s office. Alec stayed at the bottom of the stairs for a moment just looking off into the distance. For a moment he could see himself at Magnus’ side. He could see the man that Magnus would become. A smile crossed his face as he started up the stairs. He needed to talk to Will about his outfit for the broadcast that night. He wanted to stand out and shine, for once in his life he wanted to be the center of attention.

Unfortunately Alec had not been looking where he was going, and his mind was still focused on Magnus. His foot landed on the third from the top step when he felt a hand at his shoulder. Starting to look up, Alec noticed he was falling backwards. His arms circled in the air as he tried to right himself but it was too late. He felt his head hit one of the stairs before flipping backwards. When he finally stopped at the bottom of the stairs he looked up only to see something pink move too fast for his disoriented eyes to catch. Pain and sickness washed over him. Rolling to the side he threw up what little he had eaten before passing out.

13

Magnus walked as quickly he could without running. The day had been perfect with Alec. His sweet innocent boy had tasted as sweet as the tarts they had eaten. Magnus had wished they could have kissed for longer. Maybe he could have kissed other places to see what reaction they gave. Unfortunately his father had called for him.

There were problems brewing in one of the southern lands. Ever since her husband had died Lady Lilith had taken more control of Talto. The province might have been small but it was an important one. Not only did it have the biggest depostest of adamas, the metal needed for the Edom Military weapons, it was also the border between Edom and their enemy. If Diyu was able to capture Talto it would be disastrous, but Lilith didn’t seem to care much. The woman was leaving the mines barely guarded.

After the talk with his father they would send down a couple mystics to make sure the mines were protected by magic and if need be, remove Lilith from power. Once back in his room Magnus’ attendants started to dress him. They were not as good as Will and Jem, but he trusted them. The suit they had picked out for tonight was deep royal blue in color. The stark white shirt made his skin pop. He thought about Alec and smiled. After the broadcast he would get Alec alone to propose again.

Reaching into his side table he found the Bane family signet ring. Once this was placed on Alec’s finger he would be known as his intended fiance. By the end of the night, if Alec said yes, Magnus would be sending everyone else home.

There was a tap at the door. A servant peered in and told him it was nearly time. Thanking the man, Magnus straightened his suit coat before leaving.

He should have known something was wrong when he entered with his mother and father and he could not spot Alec with the other Chosen. What had happened? The broadcast had already started and the young man was nowhere to be seen. Magnus tried to keep his panic down as Simon, the master of ceremonies, asked him a few questions.

“You cut down the Chosen to only a chosen few, pardon the pun.” Simon chuckled. “But just between us,” His voice went lower but he still held the microphone close. “Is there anyone that stands out?” Magnus smiled slightly.

“There is, but I do not want to talk too much about them at this moment. I am still trying to win them over.” Simon chuckled again.

“You are the Prince, you could win over anyone in this kingdom.”

“Maybe, but this person is special.” Simon tried to get more out of him, but Magnus gave nothing away. The broadcast soon ended. Once the cameras were turned off the Chosen started to gossip but Magnus couldn��t hear anything as he went to his father.

“Alexander Lightwood was not among the Chosen tonight. What happened?”

His mother looked grim as he took his hand. “The boy fell down the stairs this afternoon. Your father didn’t want you to know until after the broadcast.” Magnus shot his father a seething look. The Kingdom always came first, even at the price of love. Turning from his parents Magnus strode out of the room.

Alec had been taken to the infirmary. He had been found not long after his tumble. He had been out for hours when Magnus finally came to see him. Jem and Will were by his side. The two men looked pale. They cared too much sometimes. That was why he had sent them to be attendants of Alec’s. They would help him in this strange world.

Magnus found the medic on duty and asked about Alec’s condition. “He has a suspected concussion, but we will not be able to make sure until he wakes up. His left wrist is sprained, but thankfully not broken. He must have landed on it as it was under him when he was found. He also has three bruised ribs.” Alec was very lucky. But how did Alec fall down the stairs? Not that it was impossible, it just didn’t sound right.

“When will he wake up?” The medic shrugged.

“We were hoping he would wake up within a couple hours. If he does not wake up even a little within the next 24 hours he might never.” Magnus grabbed onto the doorframe to keep himself up. No. He would not lose Alec so easily. Alec was a fighter.

“Thank you.” He said before slowly walking to Alec’s bed. Jem vacated the seat next to the bed for Magnus. “Thank you for staying with him.” The men nodded. Will looked as if he had been crying not too long ago. His eyes were slightly red.

“I don’t think he fell on his own.” Jem said, his voice low. Magnus looked up at the man. Their mothers had come from the same province so they had similar looks. Jem had sharp, angled eyes. Magnus’ were not as angled because of his father’s rounder eyes. They had met when they were still children. Instantly, Magnus had been drawn to the boy that he had called brother at times. Magnus never had any siblings so Jem was the closest thing he had to one. Unfortunately as they grew up Jem was put to work in the castle just like his parents before him. Yet Magnus never treated him any differently. Jem was still his little brother.

“I was thinking the same.” Magnus voiced. “He was happy when I left him.” Leaning over he took Alec’s hand in his. It was still warm even though it was limp.

“Alec is not well liked by all the Chosen. Some believe he should have never been chosen in the first place.”

“Then there was that altercation with Ms. Belcourt.” Will piped in. “I found him in his room crying once. He didn’t tell me why, but I am sure the woman was the cause.” Magnus nodded. It was all hearsay. They would have to wait until Alec woke up to know for sure. “Tell the medic I will be staying with him tonight.”

“But your majesty...Magnus,” Jem whispered his name. It had been beaten into him at a young age he could not call the man by his name. He was just a servant and Magnus was royalty. The Prince still hated that he could not do anything to have stopped that. “You have so much to do tomorrow.”

“They can all wait. I am not leaving him until he awakes. Let my father be furious, I don’t care.”

-=-=-=-=-

<i>Elsewhere in the castle two other lovers were about to take a forbidden step.</i>

Andy was placing down his journal when he heard a small knock on his door before it opened. The night had been a whirlwind. Alec had never shown up to the broadcast and the young man had seen the Prince’s eyes looking for someone that was not there. It was painfully obvious to Andy that the Prince and Alec were meant to be, if only Alec would just let himself accept it.

It was so late at night that Andy’s attendants had already gone to bed. It had taken a lot to get the men to leave him at night. He didn’t need someone at his every beck and call through the night. He could get a drink or use the bathroom without needing help. It was ridiculous, but he also had another reason for shooing the men away.

In the mirror of his vanity he could clearly see Lorenzo as he closed and locked the door behind him. The blonde’s breath sped up. Lorenzo always had this effect on him, even when they first met. “Lord Rey, what do I owe the pleasure of your company so late at night?” A smile spread out across Lorenzo’s face.

“Must I spell it out for you?” He snapped his fingers and the lights lowered. It hid the blush that crawled over the blonde’s fair skin. The man walked slowly up behind him. Andy turned his head slightly for the mystic to grace his neck with a gentle kiss. A shiver went down his spine.

If they were caught they would both be sentenced to life as eights for treason. For Lorenzo it might even be worse. He might lose his life, but neither of them cared at this moment. In all the craze of Prince Magnus trying to find his mate, two unlikely men had happened upon their own love story.

Gentle hands ran up Andy’s sides and under his sleep shirt after Andy stood up.

“Lorenzo.” He breathed out. They had touched before, it had been brief but the feeling had lingered for hours after the man had left Andy’s room.

“I love when you say my name like that. Like a prayer from the mouth of an angel.” Gentle lips touched his neck again.

“Someone had been spending too much time with his tomes.” The blonde finally turned around in the man’s grasp to plant a deep kiss on the lush lips of the mystic. All he wanted to do was be with Lorenzo, only Lorenzo.

“I speak only the truth.” The older man said with another snap of his fingers. This left them both naked, bodies intertwined. Andy moaned and tried to kiss him again but the other man twisted them around and pushed him back on the bed. “Are you sure, Andrew? After...there is no going back.” Andy nodded. He knew what he meant and he didn’t care.

“I know Magnus loves Alec but Alec does not know if he wants to be Prince Consort. I will not be Chosen. When I go back home after this I want to at least have the memory of this night.” There would be no way that Lorenzo could ask for Andy’s hand. Mystics were not supposed to marry outside of their station, it kept the pool of magic from growing into the general population. Only mystics and the royal family could have magical powers. Even if they never planned to have children it was still forbidden.

“Then you shall have anything you want.” Leaning down they pressed their bodies together again, kissing and touching.

“Please don’t tease.” Andy whispered against his lips. He was already too wound up. He needed Lorenzo to do something. Suddenly slick fingers were gently pressing against his hole. How the man did magic was one of the things Andy liked about him. Magic amazed him, but Lorenzo enraptured him.

He whimpered against the other’s lips as fingers pushed into him. “Lor...enzo...” He whispered.

“Slowly, my love. I will not hurt you in my haste.” Leaning up Lorenzo got on his knees between the other’s legs as his slick fingers kept thrusting gently into him. “In all my years...I have never seen something more beautiful.” Andy slapped his arm with a giggle before it changed into a moan as the mystic pressed something inside him.

“If you don’t...get inside me now...I might come...” With a chuckle Lorenzo leaned down and nibbled at his ear.

“Go ahead, my angel. It will not be the last orgasm you experience tonight.” The press of his finger against the spot was too much for Andy. Lorenzo covered his mouth with his to smother the cries as he felt over the edge. Lorenzo was correct. It was not the last time he came that night.

14

It was the middle of the night when Alec finally woke up. His head ached and his vision was blurred. At first he just laid there and didn’t move. He could not remember what had happened. The bed did not feel familiar. It was soft but nothing like his bed at the palace. Then again it was not the cold hard mattress of his home. Finally as he woke up more he noticed there was something warm near his arm. Slowly turning his head he saw a dark figure slumped over in a chair near his bed. Blinking, he recognized that it was Magnus. The Prince was slumped in a chair, his hand next to Alec’s. His mind was slowly trying to process what was going on. Why was Magnus here when he had a nice bed in his own chambers?

Moving slightly was enough to wake the Prince up. His eyes looked around before they landed on Alec.

“Thank god. You finally woke up.” Reaching forward Magnus cupped Alec’ cheek. “I was so worried.”

“W-why are you here?” Alec’s voice was deep and thick as he tried to speak. How long had he been out?

“Where else would I be?” Magnus asked, confused.

“Your bed.” That made the Prince chuckle.

“A bed would be better, but while you are here, this is where I will be.” Magnus took Alec’s hand and pulled it up to lay a kiss on the knuckles. “I love you, Alexander. I think I have since that night in the garden.”

Alec flushed and looked away. “Why would you want to marry a Seven?”

“Because I would be marrying the one I love. I don’t care about your number or station in this world. I only care about you, about Alec Lightwood.” Alec turned his head back and smiled.

“I think...I think I love you too.”

-=-=-=-=-=-

After Alec had woken up and they had time to talk, Magnus fetched the medic. The medic looked over Alec and confirmed that he had probably had a concussion but he seemed to be doing well. His side and wrist still hurt so the medic suggested Alec stayed for one or two more nights. Medicine and bindings would help. Begrudgingly Alec agreed.

Even though Magnus wanted to stay with him he was called away shortly before breakfast. The Prince still had to make an appearance. He promised to return later and left his love with a kiss. This left Alec alone with his own mind. What had happened the night before? He remembered the wonderful picnic and the kiss they had shared, but the rest was foggy. The only thing he did know was he didn’t fall on his own volition.

Thankfully it was not much longer before Helen came to visit him and brought a treat from breakfast. He was not terribly hungry, but he thanked her nonetheless.

“The Prince told us you fell yesterday and are recuperating, but I don’t think you fell. I think you were pushed.” She said after asking how he was.

“I don’t remember. The medic tells me my memory of that event might never come back.” Alec rubbed his temple. It had been hurting ever since he started trying to remember.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to press you.” She said concerned.

“Don’t worry. My temple has been hurting since I woke up. Must be the leftover concussion.” He placed a hand over the other’s. “Please don’t worry about me. You need to focus on you. Didn’t you have a date with the Prince today?” Helen just looked at him in amazement. The boy was absolutely blind.

“The Prince will not be choosing me, I know this. He is just waiting on you.” Alec flushed a bright red.

“Mag- the Prince deserves...more.” He had to catch himself from not calling Magnus by his name.

“He deserves to be happy and so do you.” She said, squeezing his hand.

“What about you? You deserve happiness.” Sighing, she nodded. “Do you have someone at home?” Most chosen that might have had a romantic partner back home had broken it off with the chance to be crowned king.

“No. There is no one at home that holds my heart.”

-=-=-=-=-=-

~*<i>Earlier that morning</i>*~

Helen sat in her seat at the vanity that seemed to be in every Chosen’s room. Her maid, Aline stood behind her braiding her hair. Breakfast was soon and Helen needed to hurry, but she didn’t want to. It was only in moments like this that she truly felt happy. Helen had grown up in a very forward thinking family, but even they would not approved of their daughter favoring the fairer sex. Thankfully Helen found herself attracted to both genders.

However everything had changed when she came to the palace. She had been given three maids, like the other female Chosen, while the male Chosen were only given two attendants. Among her maids was Aline. She was a pretty and spunky girl of only seventeen. That made her two years younger than Helen and closer to her brother Mark’s age.

“Your hair is so pretty and light.” Aline had commented the first time she brushed Helen’s hair.

“It becomes very frizzy if I don’t put product in it.”

“Better than my thick, dense hair.” Aline had beautiful hair. It was long and jet black, but like all the maids she kept it tied up in a bun under a small hat.

“Is there something wrong, Helen?” The darker haired woman’s voice broke through Helen’s thoughts.

“No...why do you ask?”

“You look a bit sad.” Her time in the Chosen was coming to a close. She knew that. It was only a matter of time before Alec said yes to Magnus. Then Helen would have to leave. She did hope Alec was alright. He had not shown up to the broadcast the night before and that worried her.

“I do not wish to leave you.” Helen said, looking at Aline’s dark eyes in the mirror. They had become friends so fast that when they started to fall for each other they didn’t even notice until that one kiss. The kiss they had shared two days ago. The kiss that changed everything. It might have been easier to leave a friend but to leave a love? But even if magic could help men conceive it would not help two women.

“You will not leave for long. Mr. Lightwood cares for you. I am sure he would have you visit often.” It was a weak excuse but Aline was used to disappointments in her life. Her father had left her and her mother when Aline was just a child to run off with some other woman. Her mother tried to support them as well as she could but in the end it was too much for her. Even as sickness took hold of her, Jia Penhallow was still able to find work for her daughter in the palace before her passing. It was a prestigious job indeed, one that any Six would kill to have. Now Aline had found someone that she cared for as much as she had her beloved mother.

“I wish I was not a part of the Chosen.” Helen said, grief in her voice. Then she would not have to make such a choice to leave. Moving around the chair, Aline knelt beside Helen.

“If you had not I would never have met you. That would have been the greatest tragedy.” She took the other’s hands in hers. “My mother once said that people come into our lives for a reason. We might not know why or for how long, but we are better for having them with us.”

“Aline, you are too wonderful for the life you have.” The dark haired woman shrugged.

“I am content where I am and I intend to enjoy what time we have left together.” Leaning up, Aline pressed a quick kiss to Helen’s lips. “Now let me finish with your hair. You can not go to breakfast with a braid half done.” They both chuckled before hugging each other.

“You mean the world to me, Aline.”

15

Alec was finally allowed to go back to his room two days after his accident. His ribs were doing fine and his wrist barely ached, as long as he didn't move it too fast. All in all he was feeling much better. It didn’t hurt that Magnus had visited him quite a few times. Alec knew he should not be feeling this way, Magnus needed someone that was Prince Consort material, but he could not deny that he had been imagining their life together.

Once back in his room, Jem and Will were very attentive. They had Alec stay in bed and not move, even though it was his wrist that got sprained, not his legs. Still Alec did as was asked of him. He let the two cater to him. It was nice to have been missed. Most people of higher class levels would not have cared if the ‘help’ missed them. But Alec was different. Will and Jem were different. Alec could see why Magnus trusted them so.

Towards the evening there was a knock on the door. It was just after dinner and Alec had eaten in his room. Tomorrow he would go back out and meet the rest of the Chosen again. He was scared of what might happen but he was going to hold his head up high. Whoever had caused this was not going to get the satisfaction of keeping him down. Will opened the door to find Magnus there, a small white box in hand.

"Will, it is good to see you again. You too, Jem." Magnus smiled as he walked in.

"It is nice to see you again, Sire. Under better circumstances this time." Magnus nodded to that. Smiling, he turned to Alec who was laying in his bed with a couple books around him.

"How are you, Alexander? I see Will and Jem have made you stay in bed so they could make sure you didn't get hurt again."

"I let them." Alec said, but they all knew the truth.

"I wonder if I might have a little bit of your time. Would you mind, Will? Jem?" Neither man said anything to the contrary. The attendants knew what might happen but they also knew that in the end Alec would become the Prince Consort. They were made for each other.

Quickly the attendants bid them both good night before leaving.

“What is in that box?” Alec asked, finding himself eager to see.

“Chocolate truffles. A little bird told me you fancied my favorite sweet treat.” Magnus came over to the bed and sat down before handing over the box. There were four dark brown powder covered balls of chocolate.

“I was not used to eating something so sweet. This was the right amount of sweet for me.” Magnus brushed his hand through Alec’s hair.

“Was sugar something else you never had?”

“Not never, but usually baked into something or used in jam.” Alec took one of the small balls and bit into it. The powdered chocolate landed on his bedding and he got scared. “I didn’t mean to.” Uncultured.

“Do not worry, my dear.” Magnus plucked one up and popped it whole into his mouth. “It can be cleaned.” Alec ate the rest of the truffle. Suddenly Magnus’ face changed. He looked...serious? Maybe even a bit...determined? Leaning in Magnus wiped a bit of chocolate from the side of Alec’s mouth. Then his lips descended upon Alec’s.

It was similar but also different from the kiss before. It made his body tingle in all the right ways. Magnus had been his first kiss and he couldn’t imagine anyone else. He tried to chase the man’s lips when the Prince pulled back.

“I do not wish to injure you farther.” He whispered. Alec licked his lips, still tasting the chocolate that could have come from either of their lips.

“I like kissing you.” Alec admitted.

“Oh my dear, sweet Alexander. There is more I want to do to you than just kiss.” Alec found himself blushing down onto his neck. “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to blurt that out.” Magnus started to pull back from the other, but Alec grabbed his arm.

“I know we shouldn’t...but...I may never get this chance again.” Then the Prince laughed so hard that it made Alec jump.

“My dear, my love. I do not plan on spending the rest of my life with anyone but you.”

“Magnus-” The Prince placed his finger to Alec’s lips.

“I will be there every step of the way. Jem and Will can also be of help. Alexander, please, make me the happiest man that ever lived and marry me?” The darker haired man was silent for a long while. Could it just be that easy? Magnus deserved more, but even as he thought that he could not stand another person having Magnus. “I will wait for as long as I need to.”

“Jem was telling me earlier that you cut the Chosen down again. There are now just five.”

“Yes. It is unfair to them to get their hopes up. Not when my heart is not mine to give anymore. I know you are fond of Helen and Andy so I kept them around.” Alec smiled. At least he would be able to say goodbye to them.

“Who else?”

“Meliorn Knight and Camille Belcourt. They are the favorites of my father.” <i>Something pink moved too fast for his disoriented eyes to catch</i> Alec rubbed at his temple.

“Alexander, are you alright?”

“I am a horrible choice, but...” He stopped Magnus with his hand. “To be away from you might be a fate worse than death. You must promise me that you will always be with me. I need your strength and guidance.”

“Yes, always. I will be there for you, always.”

“And one more thing. If you choose...later on to take another to your heart-”

“There will never be another, Alexander. You will be the only one I need.” They both smiled before Magnus leaned back in for a kiss. “You didn’t answer me, darling.” Magnus whispered against his lips.

Alec laughed and then nodded. “Yes, Magnus. I will marry you.” Magnus smiled as he pressed a kiss to Alec’s lips.

It was supposed to be slow but neither of them could hold back their pasion. Not now, not after they had declared their love for each other. Magnus helped Alec back on the bed and pulled his covers back before climbing on top of him. Alec flushed and tried to look away, but Magnus cupped Alec’s face.

“I do not wish to go all the way. I do want to save that for your wedding night. However, there is something I have been dying to see.” One hand left Alec’s cheek and traveled down his neck and chest, catching on a nipple that made Alec gasp.

“What?” He finally asked as Magnus’ hand moved closer to the hem of his nightshirt.

“The look of pure pleasure.” Magnus' hand slipped between cloth and skin before wrapping around Alec’s nearly half hard cock. He gasped and arched only to wince. His ribs still hurt.

“I am sorry, my love.” Leaning down he kissed Alec as his hand started to move. This way he could keep Alec from arching up again. Alec was lost in the current of pleasure. He had never really touched himself before. He never had time living with his family. He had attempted once or twice when he bathed, but he felt too guilty to continue. What a fool he was.

“Magnus...” He breathed when Magnus pulled back to give them air. Reaching down he pushed Alec’s pants down slightly, enough to uncover his cock. Alec made the mistake of looking down and only groaned. The head was starting to leak and Magnus’ hand looked so good around him.

“That is the picture that has been playing in my dirty mind since I first met you.” Magnus kissed his cheek. “Even better than I thought.”

“Magnus...” Magnus pressed a thumb to the slit of the head. Alec’s eyes rolled back in his head, briefly.

“Let go, my love.” Magnus kissed along his neck as his hand started to move faster. Any chance Alec had at lasting a while longer flew out the window. The intense pleasure was too much.

"Magnus!" This time the Prince’s name was said like benediction instead of a plea. His vision whited out for a moment as his pleasure cascaded over his whole body. He felt it everywhere, even in his toes.

When Alec came back to himself a moment later he noticed Magnus was rubbing his lower half against Alec’s leg, his head in the crook of his neck, until he suddenly stopped and let out a quiet, strangled noise. At that moment he knew that Magnus had just reached his peak.

Hot, quick breath was the only sound he heard and felt against his neck for a moment. Then Magnus turned his head and kissed his cheek. "Thank you, my love. For sharing in the first of many firsts with me." Alec smiled.

"I can't wait for more."

Magnus stayed for a little while, cleaning them up before Alec finally fell asleep. He kissed Alec and got up out of bed. As much as he wanted to sleep beside the dark haired man, he had something else he needed to do. With a quick trip back to his room to change, Magnus was headed down stairs.

Magnus knocked on the door to his father’s study. While he had asked Alec to marry him, now three times, he still had not told his father. Asmodeus didn’t have the last say in his choice, but that didn’t mean that he would not try to influence it. The man loved his son but he also saw what the politicians wanted.

“Come in.” Magnus opened the door and walked in. It was late at night but his father, the King, was sitting at his desk reading over some royal doctrine. Magnus never understood how his father didn’t get a headache from all the reading. After two hours Magnus needed a break while his father could continue for an hour or so more.

“Father, I have made my choice.” Asmodeus looked up from his papers before sitting them down.

“Have you? That is very quick. You just culled them yesterday.” Magnus came over and sat in the chair directly in front of his father.

“I choose Alexander Lightwood.” He noticed the twitch of his father’s brown. The King did not approve.

“Why him? If you wish to marry a man then why not Mr. Meliorn Knight? His father was once a great general. There is also Ms. Camile Bellcourt.” She had been Asmodeus’ top pick because of her father. A top politician would influence a lot of people. As much as the Morgenstern betrayal still hurt, Asmodeus was practical. They needed more support.

“Why did you pick a mere painter?” Magnus countered. “One with a history of fertility problems?” Magnus’ own mother had been a wonderful painter, which she still did, but being one of only two Fives in the choosing meant she was the odd man out. Yet she survived until the last five girls. With her Choosing she became the next Queen of Edom, but her family history was not what the crown needed.

Asmodeus had been the only son of four children. Each one of his sisters had been married off to secure alliances, however, being the only son Asmodeus was expected to marry well and have an heir and maybe even a spare. Yet he married Annisa Sari who was an only child herself. Her mother had given birth to two stillborns before Annisa and then passed with the birth of her fourth and the child followed not long after.

Asomdeus sat back in his chair and gave a small chuckle. “Because I loved her. I didn’t care about her background, all I wanted was for her to be beside me for all our lives.”

“I only want what you wanted, father. I want the love of my life to be beside me.”

“Has he said yes?”

“Yes. He fears the life of a Prince Consort, but he does want to be with me. I just need to give him the ring”

“Then I give my permission. I always assumed you were more your mother’s child. You show her gentle and thoughtful nature, yet you take decisions head long. You weigh the options and take the one that speaks to you. You will be a great king someday, my son.”

“Thank you father, but there is one last thing I would like to speak with you about.”

16

A special TV broadcast was arranged for the next night. Magnus did not want to wait until the following Friday to put a ring on Alec’s finger. He wanted it now. However, he had to find the person that caused Alec’s fall first.

Who would want to kill a Chosen and in such a public area like the grand staircase. Someone should have seen it. The obvious answer was another Chosen. Now the question was, did they cause it themselves or pay someone? Magnus didn’t even pretend to know all the servants in the palace but he felt like he knew a good lot of them. Rumors flew around quickly among the servants so Magnus enlisted the help of Jem and Will.

It would take some time so Magnus went to see Alec and spend a little time with him.

“Your highness.” Magnus had not even noticed that he was not alone in the hall anymore. Ms. Camille Belcourt had just come out of a side room. She curtsied for him, a little deeper than need be but he was pretty sure the woman was trying to show off the plunge of her neck line. Camille was a beautiful woman, but she was not what Magnus wanted in a spouse.

She cared only for material things. On one of the few dates they had she had spent the entire time talking about the parties that she had at her home. How lavish they were and offering to show him around her city. While Magnus had grown up to be Prince his family was not as posh as it looked. Personal family meals were not taken in full dressed attire, that was only for show.

His father liked her because of her father. Reginald Belcourt was a well known politician in Little Paris, one of the largest cities on the east side of Edom.

“Hello, Ms. Belcourt.”

“Oh, you can call me, Camille.” She said walking closer to him. “We have not had a date in a while. I hope that is not an indication that you are bored with me.” The woman pouted, but it was just too much.

Will had said that Alec had an argument with Camille. Could she be the type of person to try and kill the competition? Maybe. He was about to find out. Putting out his arm for her the woman took it as they started to walk.

“I have called a special broadcast for this evening.” Magnus started as Camille looked startled.

“Why? I will not have enough time to get ready.” She actually looked worried.

“I intend to announce my engagement to one of the Chosen.” This caused Camille to nearly misstep. He wondered what was going through her mind right at that moment. She probably thought it was her.

“Then I need to pick out a dress.” She started to pull away but Magnus stopped her.

“Why?”

“Well if I will be on TV tonight I need to look my best.”

“Only my fiance will be on the stage with me.” She smiled, a sickening sweet smile reserved for a simple child that did not understand.

“Oh course, Prince Magnus, but my dress-”

“I will not be asking for your hand.” She stopped dead in her tracks.

“WHAT?!” The beautiful woman beside him let out a screech like he had never heard before. “Who would be a better queen than I?! We are made for each other!” Magnus finally pulled his arm away.

“No. No we are not.” Then out of nowhere the woman slapped him across the face, her long nails leaving redden marks on his cheek. Reaching up Magnus touched his cheek, but thankfully there was no blood.

“Ms. Belcourt, you hit the Prince. That was not a very bright idea.” His voice was calm and measured.

“I am supposed to be the Queen!” Then she must have thought better of herself. “I do not know what came over me. Apologies, your highness.” But the apology fell on deaf ears. “I just don’t want all my training to go to waste.”

“Training that did nothing but make you an evil jealous creature that would dare to try and kill another Chosen and then strike the Prince of Edom. Guards!” Magnus yelled.

“Did that little stoot brush tell you I pushed him down the stairs? He wouldn’t know class if it came up and slapped him across his dirty face.” Magnus was seeing red. He knew the little terms that higher levels called the lower ones. His mother had talked about them. Fives were painted prints or song stealers, depending on the type of artist they were. Sixes were rags and Sevens were stoot brushes. Thankfully the guards appeared at that moment.

“Take Ms. Belcourt to her room so she can pack.”

“No! Magnus, please. We belong together!”

“My dear, unlike the man I want to marry, you belong in the cold palace you came from. Away with her.” The guards dragged Camille kicking and screaming from the hall. He was positive that she was the one that tried to kill Alec. Even if he couldn't prove it he at least got her out of the palace.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Alec stood behind the curtains. His stomach was in knots from the nerves. Any moment the curtains would be pulled back and he would be presented as the fiance to the future king. It was almost too much. His hands traveled down his blue suit as if trying to straighten any imaginary wrinkles. Something caught the light and he looked down at the ring on his finger. Not an hour ago Magnus had gotten down on one knee and asked Alec to be his Prince Consort.

<i>Magnus looked a bit flustered when he came to Alec’s room. Will and Jem were finishing up on his suit for that night’s special broadcast. Alec turned to look at Magnus and noticed two red marks on his right cheek.

“Magnus, what happened?”

“Just getting rid of a nuisance.” Magnus waved off and then walked over to Alec. He placed a kiss on the man’s lips as the attendants quietly made their way out of the room to give them time. “I love you, Alexander Lightwood.” The Prince said as he pulled back from the kiss. Alec was so dizzy from the kiss that he barely followed. Then Magnus knelt on one knee.

“Oh my god.” Alec found himself breathing as the Prince pulled out a small box with the Bane family seal.

“At the end of each Choosing, the Prince in question would give the family signet ring to his chosen spouse in front of everyone.” Magnus started. “But you are a private person who does not want others to look upon him. So here, in your rooms I want to ask you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, to be my Prince. Be the one that makes me strive to be a better person. Help me teach our future children that levels do not matter, what matters is what is found inside a person. Be the one I grow old with, be my everything.” Alec was crying by this time. He couldn’t even say yes through the tears but he did nod. That was all Magnus needed. He pushed the ring onto Alec’s finger before standing up and pulling him into another slow, passion filled kiss.<i/>

“Welcome honored guests to a special broadcast!” Simon Lewis’s voice broke through his thoughts and brought him back to the present. Just remembering how thoughtful Magnus was to make that moment just about them gave him enough strength to stand still. “Now, a little birdie told me, Prince Magnus, that you have a surprise for us.”

“Yes.” Magnus said, his voice calm and smooth. Alec smiled. “I do have a wonderful surprise. People of Edom, my people, I have come to the decision as to whom I will be marrying. It had been a fast and whirlwind romance, one for the books I am sure. The moment I met this person I fell for them. They were so raw and open with me and I couldn’t see a day without them in my life, but they needed some convincing.”

“You did say that before. Who is this wonderful person that has captured the heart of our marvelous Prince?” Simon asked. He was sure everyone was wanting to know, but as usual Magnus was building up the suspense.

“This person never expected to be picked for the Chosen in the first place. They never thought they could have what they wanted because of their level.” A hush went over the few people in the audience for the broadcast. They were mostly journalists that wanted the first taste of a story. “That is also something that I wish to talk to my people about. These levels, the ones that have kept all of you in place, will soon be ending.” Suddenly the journalists gasped and tried to ask questions before they were hushed. “That plan is in motion, but I am sure you are all wanting to know who I choose.”

The curtain opened and Alec stepped out. He didn’t look like a level Seven boy from a small town. There was no dirt under his nails or bruises from hard work. No, he looked like a Prince Consort and for the first time he felt like something special. Magnus stood from his seat and walked over to Alec as flashes of lights went off. Taking Alec’s hand he pressed a kiss to his hand.

“This is my chosen. Alexander Lightwood. Formerly a Seven and one of the best men I have had the pleasure to meet.” With that, the Prince of Edom leaned in to kiss his Prince.

And they lived happily ever after.

The End.

[novelsandtea]

Book Review: A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas

Rate: 4.5/5

Nesta Archeron has always been prickly-proud, swift to anger, and slow to forgive. And ever since being forced into the Cauldron and becoming High Fae against her will, she's struggled to find a place for herself within the strange, deadly world she inhabits. Worse, she can't seem to move past the horrors of the war with Hybern and all she lost in it. The one person who ignites her temper more than any other is Cassian, the battle-scarred warrior whose position in Rhysand and Feyre's Night Court keeps him constantly in Nesta's orbit. But her temper isn't the only thing Cassian ignites. The fire between them is undeniable, and only burns hotter as they are forced into close quarters with each other. Meanwhile, the treacherous human queens who returned to the Continent during the last war have forged a dangerous new alliance, threatening the fragile peace that has settled over the realms. And the key to halting them might very well rely on Cassian and Nesta facing their haunting pasts. Against the sweeping backdrop of a world seared by war and plagued with uncertainty, Nesta and Cassian battle monsters from within and without as they search for acceptance-and healing-in each other's arms.

 This is the fourth book in Sarah J. Maas’s A Court of Thorns and Roses world. If you haven’t read the first three books – Go read them! Not only are they amazing stories, but this book will not make much sense without the background, even if it is more of a spin-off from the core trilogy. 

I really liked this book! It has a little bit of everything: drama, quests, banter, romance, danger, spice (okay more than a little bit there). Its over 750 pages long, and I spent almost every free moment I had reading it and was finished in three days. That’s saying something since I’m not a particularly fast reader. I had worried about getting into a story that was not only not focused on my favorites from the previous books, but one of the two POVs was probably my least favorite character of the entire series (hello Nesta). By the time I finished it, however, I was cheering for every success these characters had! I seriously recommend this book, especially to anyone interested in a story that has a slower build but is still packed with wonderful moments that will have you at the edge of our seat.

Aaaand that’s really all I have for the non-spoiler section! Full review below.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Since finishing the book, I’ve sat down and really thought about the plot of the story. As Maas’s books are typically very action packed, I had gone into this book expecting the same. While still having some real tense action scenes, a lot less happens in this book which is surprising considering its size. I think that is telling of Maas’s talent in her character development and her ability to make a story of recovery and growth as riveting as one filled with war and battles. The majority of the story is focused on Nesta and her healing from the traumatic events she had gone through during the previous books. I truthfully never really liked Nesta, and I found her to be incredibly selfish and harsh. Even in the beginning of ACOSF, she is always angry and lashing out at everyone around her. While it had me wanting to pull out my hair, I ended up loving that we get that unapologetic broken character in the beginning. We follow Nesta throughout her entire arc of recovery. We see her in her lowest of lows and are right alongside her as she learns how to work through her traumas and pain and face the person she has become. I especially loved the focus on healing broken relationships and accepting both responsibility and forgiveness. Not everything is perfectly healed by the end, but we do see Nesta walking a better path having accepted all parts of herself, both dark and light. A lot of time is spent on Nesta trying to push down that darkness and death that she associates with her powers. Seeing her not only accept that part of her but finally understand how she can exist beyond it was so impactful, and I think it does a good job of holding a mirror to similar feelings that I believe a lot of people have experienced. I really loved the hike and breakdown that followed her explosion at Amren’s place and the reveal to Feyre. The way mental health is represented in this book is refreshing, and so many parts of it felt so raw and real. It really struck a chord with me, and moved me in many ways as I was reading. It may sound cliché, but reading about Nesta learning to heal helped me acknowledge and accept parts of myself.

While Cassian is half of the POV in this book, it truly does feel like Nesta’s story. That being said, I did love the parts of Cassian we had. I loved reading his struggle with wanting to be there for Nesta in the ways she needed but also needing to protect himself. I adored how he truly saw her and always accepted every part, even all the ugly spots. When he felt the mating bond snap into place but left knowing Nesta couldn’t deal with it at that time, gah I was dying. Cassian never once pitied her. He wanted to help and protect her, but he knew it was a journey she had to do herself. He is a leading force in Nesta’s growth and constantly offers both his own strength and vulnerability. I really enjoyed seeing the love grow between them, especially as Nesta learned to open herself more to the possibility of healing and finding her own place and purpose. I just really can’t get enough of them together! I also really loved the moments we got between the three brothers – I was surprised by how much I had wanted those scenes. It was exciting to get a closer glimpse into that aspect of Cassian’s life, and the bond between him, Az, and Rhys.

I can’t avoid at least mentioning the smut in this book. All I will really say is this book has really stepped fully into the adult category. The scenes were extremely intense, steamy, and pretty descriptive. If you were looking for that typical Maas smuttiness aspect, be prepared for this book to be several notches above what we’ve seen previously (and a lot more of it).  

I could seriously talk about this book forever, but as I already fear I’ve begun to ramble, I’m just going to list some of my favorite things I haven’t mentioned yet below:

 The House!! I loved the relationship that developed between it and Nesta. Their interactions really became conversations, and I loved the idea of a sentient object becoming a core force in Nesta’s life. Also only-bubble baths and a baby pegasus are always a win.

Every snarky comment between Nesta and Cassian. Extremely entertaining and witty.

The entire Court of Nightmare scene with the dancing. So powerful and I loved seeing Nesta in her element.

The process of Nesta, Emerie, and Gwyn coming together. I really loved reading about their training together, and the chapters once they meet up in the Blood Rite were some of my favorites. Their mini romance book club was precious.

A Rhys and Feyre baby! While I had some issues with this plot point, I still enjoyed the place it had in the story. The reactions of Cassian and Azriel was one of my favorite moments of the entire book.

The introduction to what I assume is the next major villain for the rest of the series. While it didn’t feature too largely until the end of the book, I think it did a good job setting up the situation for future installments.

The search for the Dead Trove. I really loved each moment we get, especially with the kelpie during the search for the mask. Good stuff

A few things I didn’t love:

I didn’t love how often Mor was gone. I know she did not really have a role in this story, but it would have been nice to see her more in passing as we did other characters.

The whole early delivery aspect of the pregnancy plot line. It felt a little plot convenient to me, and no explanation was ever given. I did like Nesta’s sacrifice and that moment, but I didn’t like how and why it happened.

I didn’t love that Rhys was trying so hard to hide the truth about the pregnancy from Feyre. I can kind of understand it when thinking about how he knew they were all probably going to die (that dumb bargain what the heck) but it is still stupid. Not the biggest issue to me, just not my favorite thing.

How much time we spent focused on the queen only to have her completely removed from the entire story in a blink. I know Nesta was insanely powerful at the time, but I just wanted…more.

I went into this book with very different expectations from what I got. I really enjoyed reading it, and I will definitely be getting the next book when it is published. Whether you loved or hated Nesta in the earlier books, I would recommend giving this one a chance. It sure changed my mind! Let me know your thoughts, I would love to discuss it!

[ortizobsessed]

You’ve Got This

Only 10 MONTHS late, but here is the fic I’ve been promising for a while!

Reader x Juice where you two have a very platonic love for each other, and when you’re about to have a baby (the father is no longer in the picture) Juice is right there by your side.

Warnings: A few swears, mild description of childbirth.

Word Count: 2204

Masterlist

You’d moved to Charming not long after you graduated high school in your small town in Idaho. Your high school sweetheart, the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, turned out to be a real piece of work. The night before he left for college, he told you that everything that had happened between you two was just a “fling” and that it all meant nothing to him. All he cared about now was going off to college and, as he had so gracefully put it, “drinking and getting laid by as many bitches as possible, since you aren’t giving me any.” You were caught completely off guard. This was something you two had talked about before. He claimed he was fine with waiting until you were ready. Guess that was a lie.

You wanted to get as far away from your home town as possible. As far away from all the memories of him as you could; start fresh.  Moving to Charming was nerve-wracking, especially when no one you talked to about it thought it was a good idea. But you took the leap anyway.

Fast forward 7 years and here you were, living in sunny California, surrounded by people you loved, who loved you back. Your best friend, the person who saved you when you were at your lowest, the person who always made sure you saw the value in yourself, was sweet, thoughtful, and caring, Juan Carlos Ortiz. You and Juice loved each other, but not in that way. You had formed an incredible bond, one that felt stronger than anything you’d had with any friend or family member before. No matter what life threw at you, you knew you would be able to handle it, with Juice by your side.

It felt like just yesterday that you’d ran into your ex. The person who broke your heart into more pieces than you thought imaginable. But there you were, in Vegas with some of the guys, and who happened to be there at the same time? Him. It had been years since you last said a word to each other, and when he came over to say hi, you tried to be the bigger person and not spit in his face.

The conversation started with a rather awkward hug, and ended with him apologizing profusely for what he had done to you in the past. He claimed he was there with a friend of his for their bachelor party. Turned out that was yet another one of his lies. As was everything that followed: The sweet talk, the convincing you that he had changed, the empty apologies.

Somewhere along the line that night you had talked yourself into sleeping with him. Was it because you genuinely thought he had changed? Or was it because you didn’t want him to still think of you as that “pathetic” girl in high school who made him leave because you wouldn’t fuck him. How dare he play on those insecurities just to get you into bed?

The day you found out you were pregnant was the scariest day of your life. Here you were, carrying the child of a man who wanted nothing to do with you. Though the decision wasn’t an easy one to make by any means, Juice was there for you through all of it. You were going to keep your baby.

It was now mid-September, and every year when this time of the year rolled around, you found yourself missing home. Something about the beautiful fall weather back home always made you feel safe, and being so close to the end of your pregnancy, safe and comfortable was exactly what you needed to help calm your nerves.

“I think I need to go back home. Just for a couple days.” You found yourself trying to convince Juice that going on this trip was a good idea, but you saw the hesitation on his face. “I need some time to clear my head. Time to right with myself before I become a mother.”

He let out a heavy sigh. “There’s no way I can convince you to stay? Or even to let me come along?”

You shook your head, “I’m sorry Juan, I just really need some time to myself. You know I love you.”

A tiny smirk crept onto his face, “I love you too, Y/N. I just want you to be safe. I want the baby to be safe.” Your expression changed to one of joking disbelief, as he sighed and added, “I know, you’re a smart girl. I’m sure you’ve already figured out where the closest hospital is to where you’ll be staying, haven’t you?”

You let out a light laugh, “You’re damn right I did! It’s only a 20 minute drive.” After a short pause, you reassured him again, “Everything will be fine. I’ll keep you posted the entire way. There, and back.”

As he closed his eyes and nodded his head, you stepped towards him and wrapped your arms around his waist. Resting his chin on the top of your head, he pulled you closer and whispered, “You’re the strongest person I know, Y/N, and I am so proud of you. I hope you know that.”

His words brought tears to your eyes. You leaned back slightly and smiled at him as a single tear rolled down your cheek. Brushing the tear away with his hand, Juice smiled back and leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on your forehead. “Okay, what can I help you with?”

The two of you spent the next hour or so getting everything ready for you. As you packed a couple bags inside, Juice was outside looking over every inch of your car, making sure it was in good condition for highway driving. After getting the okay from your personal mechanic, you hugged him tight once more and hopped in the driver’s seat.

You were headed to Bear Lake. A beautiful spot right on the border of Utah and Idaho, a place your family used to rent a cabin close by every year when you were a kid. The fresh air and beautiful fall colours were calling your name.

You had to stop every couple hours, damn pregnancy bladder, but Juice was happy about that; more stops meant more check-ins. Before you knew it, the drive was over and you were pulling into the parking lot of that same rental office you knew so well.

The first couple days were very relaxing. You drove the short 10 minutes to the lake front and laid out a blanket at the bottom of a tree. Each day you would read a few chapters of a book, then pack everything up and wander along the water. Spending time alone in a familiar place helped tremendously, just as you imagined it would.

With one last evening before you were going to head home, you planned to go for one last walk along the beach and watch the sun set, but you never got the chance to do that.

It didn’t take you long to figure out what was going on. As soon as the first contraction hit you were dialing Juice’s number. You began frantically pacing back and forth in the bathroom of your cabin muttering, “pick up, pick up, pick up, damn it pick up the phone Juan!”

The second the line clicked, you didn’t give him a chance to say hello, you yelled, “Tomorrow Juan. Tomorrow- Shit- SHIT- This can’t happen right now!”

You barely heard his reply of, “Wait, Y/N, what happened?! Is everything okay?!” over your own thoughts. Juice tried calming you down again, “Breathe Y/N, just take a deep breath-” but you just kept talking over him.

“I was supposed to drive back to Charming TOMORROW. I’m not ready for this! This baby isn’t supposed to be here for another 2 weeks! I can’t do this. I can’t do this!”

The line went silent for a moment, and somehow that caught your attention more than his words had. “Juice- are you sti-“

“Yeah I’m still here Y/N.” Another pause. “You’ve got this.” His words made your shoulders relax, and with that, a wave of calm washed over you. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath.

“I’m on my way.” His words were firm and to the point, making sure you fully grasped that you were not going to be alone much longer.

“Okay. Please hurry,” you pleaded. You could hear keys jingling in the background, mixed with some familiar voices asking where he was going in such a hurry.

He yelled back at the guys, “Y/N’s having her baby, and she’s 11 hours away!! I need to go!!” Then his voice was directed back at you as he said calmly, “I love you. I’ll see you soon.” The line clicked.

You took a couple deep breaths before you made another phone call. You wanted to be at the hospital as soon as possible, but you didn’t trust yourself driving while in labour (writers note: duh). As soon as you got off the phone with the taxi company, your water broke. “Oh great,” you mumbled to yourself.

After quickly cleaning yourself up and changing, you heard a car horn out front. Grabbing the last few things you thought you might need, you rushed out the door. Before you knew it, you were at the hospital getting settled in a bed. As contractions became more and more intense, and closer and closer together, time seemed to slip away from you. You didn’t know how long it had been since you and Juice spoke, all you knew was that you wanted him there with you. Right now.

You found yourself staring out the window, “He’s was supposed to be here for this. I can’t do this by myself. Where the fuck ARE you Juan?” All you could think about was how much you wished you were back in Charming. At least if Tara was here, that would be a small amount of comfort. You didn’t know each other well, but a familiar face in all this chaos would be nice. But here you were, hundreds of miles away from anyone you knew, about to give birth to your first child, all alone.

A new voice grabbed your attention, “Hello Y/N, I’m Doctor Bradley and I’ll be delivering your baby today! It’s nice to meet you.” In all honesty, you weren’t really paying attention to what she was saying, your mind was still too focused on the fact that Juice wasn’t here.

That’s when you heard the nurse at the door speaking firmly, “I’m sorry sir, you can’t be in here right n-,” but you yelled over top of her, “Juice?! Juice is that you?!”

“Yeah it’s me Y/N! I’m here!” He drove all through the night to be there by your side.

You looked over at your doctor with panic in your eyes; Tara would let Juice in. “Please. Please. I need him in here with me. The father-“ your voice cracked, and you could see the look on her face soften as you spoke, “he- isn’t in the picture, he-” Another contraction broke your train of thought. Your whole body was on fire once again, and you couldn’t focus on anything except the excruciating pain.

Your doctor looked from you to the nurse, and the second Juice saw that nod of approval he was pushing his way through the door.

The guttural sounds you were making were pretty much the only thing you could hear, until Juice’s voice broke through. “Hey, hey, it’s okay Y/N, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” A wide grin cracked the stern look on your face as you reached your hand out. The instant Juice grabbed your hand you felt at home.

Another contraction hit and you squeezed his hand with so much strength that he winced. You were able to push through the pain once more, but immediately after you started giggling. Juice did a double take and asked, “Are you..are you laughing?” and your giggle grew into a full on laugh.

“You’re-you’re wincing-” you spoke through a string of short breaths, caused by both the pain you were in, and the fact that you couldn’t stop laughing, “I’m the- I’m the one- in labour- and you’re- YOU’RE wincing-” Once Juice realized that yes, his reaction was definitely comical, he started laughing right along with you. You even noticed a smile creep onto your doctor’s face.

This.

This right here is why you needed Juice by your side. It didn’t matter what you were going through, he always found a way, albeit sometimes unknowingly, to get you to the other side with a smile.

A mere half an hour later, although it felt like a hell of a lot longer than that to you, you were laying in your hospital bed with Juice by your side, cradling your new baby boy. Nothing in the world could have prepared you for just how incredible of a feeling that was. In that moment, as Juice had one arm around your shoulders, and his other hand gently stroking your son’s cheek, you knew that you would in fact, be just fine.

[wallofweird]

1. Kevison Analysis: Season 4 Episode 18

I’ve decided to write a series of analysis regarding Madison, Kevin, his ‘relationships’ with her, Sophie and Cassidy respectively. I don’t have a specific schedule for them, I’ll release each post whenever I have enough free time and energy to write it because I want to give all of you something really through, like I did with my masterpost about Justin’s and TPTB’s interviews that hinted at Kevison becoming canon. 

I also want to remind everyone that some of the stuff I say here is already established as canon, but some is my interpretation of the events that happened on the episode. 

That being said, I want to begin by talking about Madison’s first scene. We learn that Madison is pregnant with Kevin’s child (children) and this is her third medical appointment alone. Her OB/GYN, Dr. Eli Mason, asks Madison if there is anyone she could bring along for support.

Madison explains she hasn’t told anyone because she is not close with her family. Madison also shares that confessing her pregnancy to the one good friend she has is not a possibility. Then, Dr. Mason brings up the father of the babies. 

She says:

“We barely know each other. Actually, the only thing I definitively know about him is that he comes from a long line of great love stories... And this... This would not be what he wants... There is no way... There is no way he'd want this.”

Dr. Mason replies:

“Little early to give up on him. Huh? You haven’t even given him the chance to be himself yet.”

I absolutely love this piece of advice and find the words the writers chose for this scene really interesting. He could’ve said something like “you’ll never really know unless you talk to him” or “look, I get it, but shouldn’t you make an effort and tell him? You’re already discarding your kids’ father from their lives without even trying. Give it one attempt, do it for your children.”

Instead, he suggests she gives him the chance to be the person he already is. This advice sums up the way basically the world perceives Madison and Kevin, even a little bit of how they see each other. Everyone has this pre-fabricated idea of them as people who have it all together and don’t have actual problems. Or of individuals that are immature, shallow, clingy and are always seeking attention. They are rarely taken seriously, their cheerful nature annoys almost everyone around them and they are usually not seen as people capable of being responsible or deep. Also, most of their issues only get recognition and attention when both reach their lowest point. So, Dr. Mason’s words describes them flawlessly, the way people treat them and also the ideas they have of one another: Kevin has underestimated Madison before and she doesn’t believe he would want to be part of the his children’s lives.  

Madison gives him a shy smile

and ultimately decides to follow the doctor’s advice.

Meanwhile, at Kate’s house, Kevin and Randall are arguing over the fact his brother convinced their mother to undergo a clinical trial even though she had previously ruled it out.

Things are escalating pretty quickly and it almost gets physical.

And that’s exactly when Madison shows up. She greets them and apologizes for being late for the party.

Kevin’ explains that it isn’t a good time. That might have come off as rude for some people, but I don’t see it that way. Randall and him were fighting, he was stressed, the atmosphere of the place couldn’t be worse. However, he doesn’t yell at her or looks at Madison with an angry expression, Kevin simply looks tired and overwhelmed, which he is.

She walks in anyway.

“What’s going on? Where is everyone?” Madison asks.

Nevertheless, Kevin lets her in without protesting and he closes the door without slamming it. Kevin simply explains that was what he meant: It wasn’t a good time, there was nobody there and he was in the midst of a feud with his brother (which Madison got to witness a little bit). In fact, I believe there is some kind of intimacy here, in a way that he is rawly honest with her. He was just being trying to say the atmosphere of the place wasn’t festive anymore.

“Kevin, we need to talk and we need to it now before I lose my nerve,” she announces.

“(Exhales) Look. (Exhales) Just, I'm... I'm not sure what we need to talk about, honestly, okay? Uh, look, you were lonely, I get that. I was, uh, heartbroken. And I don't know why we have to relitigate the whole stupid thing. I just... You know, we made a mistake...”

Again, I don’t interpret this moment as Kevin being rude to her. He was having a terrible day and he was arguing with his brother just a few minutes ago. Not to mention that despite having a better approach to the situation, Kevin is still affected by his mother’s diagnosis and worries about her health. The last couple of months weren’t easy for him and that day was only making matters worse. 

Besides, Madison herself has expressed regret for sleeping with Kevin and classified their hookup as something stupid too. She even admitted that she was feeling embarrassed by it.

Kevin was disturbed, he wasn’t thinking clearly. If the situation had been different, I’d say he would’ve figured out the reason she was there right away. It had been nearly two months that they had seen one another and apparently they hadn’t spoken ever since. She had a serious look on her face, not a flirtatious one. He would’ve connected the dots. Still, Kevin was overwhelmed, so he wrongly assumed Madison was there just to add to his stress by making a move on him, which would’ve been the last thing he needed at the moment. When people are having a bad day, they tend to think the world is out there to get them. That’s what happened here. Yet, Kevin didn’t raise his voice, expressed anger or anything, he overall just wanted to avoid talking to people, IT WASN’T anything PERSONAL.

On the other hand, Madison doesn’t back down and spills that she’s pregnant.

She continues,

“You’re the father...

It’s the question I would ask,

and...

You are.

I’m sorry,” she murmurs.

Madison adds, 

“I know I am a complete stranger to you.

I am just your sister’s friend and...  

I honestly know nothing about you other than how much you love your high school girlfriend.

(pauses)

I’ve decided I’m gonna go through with this.”

Kevin is too paralyzed to say anything yet,

but he nods, giving a slight indication that he is supportive of her decision.

“You don’t know my medical history, but this is kind of a miracle for me. 

But I need you to know I will not ask anything of you.

Emotionally, financially, all of it. 

You can still find the great love story you deserve,” she reassures him.

I absolutely love this part, because Madison is afraid she and the kids could get in the way of Kevin’s dream life, and I doubt it is because she has feelings for him, I believe it might have something to do with her family. Like, maybe they resent her because they’ve never wanted children and she is projecting that idea onto him.

However, you can see Kevin closing his eyes, wrinkling his forehead and shaking his head. As he listens, Kevin seems to be offended, even hurt by the fact Madison would think so little of him and, I dare to say, herself.

His reactions suggest that he finds what she is saying to be a complete absurd.

And he just can’t take any more of it. “Madison,” he interrupts her.

And Caitlin’s performance here is so on wonderful, because Madison is so nervous that she barely has it together. She gasps and almost skips a heartbeat. She seems to be on the verge of losing it.

Nevertheless, Kevin is still unable to say anything. “I think I might pass out,” he admits. “I'm just... I'm gonna...” he rambles as he is about to walk out the room, but Kevin doesn’t feel good about leaving her like that and you can conflict on his face.

“I'm not walking away from this conversation, okay? I just... I need a minute to... I'm sorry. Just... One second,” he explains to her.

I’m very fond of this moment as well, because Kevin has a lot in his mind, not only the pregnancy, but Rebecca’s health condition, the argument with Randall... He needs a few minutes to process what’s just happened. It’s a great example of Kevin emotional intelligence, he knows he needs a moment to assimilate everything because he wants to be as focused and serene as possible when they get back to their conversation and he needs to take a breath for that, but it’s still important to him to reassure Madison that he will definitely come back. He’s basically saying, “look, I’m sorry I’m not in my best state right now. I’m having this horrible day and I need a second because I want to clear my mind before I talk to you, but I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

Madison doesn’t protest

and Kevin guarantees it won’t take long and apologizes one last time with his eyes.

Kevin steps outside and takes a deep breath.

His brother interrupts it.

“Randall, please, I can’t do this right now,” Kevin raises his hand and begs, because he is trying to focus on returning to his conversation with Madison. 

Randall doesn’t listen and restarts their fight.

Kevin throws back, but changes his mind and decides to enter the house. 

His brother keeps pushing and he ends up coming back.

“You want to do this now, finally, after all these years? Let's do it! You know, this whole narrative that you keep spinning, this narrative that you took care of the family, where the hell did that come from? Huh? 'Cause all I know is, if I had been there, I would've walked through literal fire, and I would've pulled that man out,” Kevin shouts.

Randall adds fuel to the fire, “Well, Kev, I guess we'll never know, because you weren't there. And he died ashamed of you.”

He rubs some of his brother’s deepest wounds, “And I think... I think that's the part that really gets you, isn't it? The shame that he felt for you and the pride that he felt for me? I mean, you're not even chasing dad's shadow, Kevin, you're chasing mine. But you'll never be him and you'll never be me, because you'll never know what it's like to devote yourself to anyone other than yourself. And you'll pretend, but it'll all just be a performance. A tired, stale performance. Like all of your performances.”

And Kevin decides to get back at Randall, “You know, I used to think the worst thing that happened to me was the day that dad died. It's the day they brought you home. Hand to God, Randall, the worst thing that ever happened to me was the day they brought you home.”

They both look miserable. Randall leaves.

Kevin shows to be hurt and remorseful as well.

He spends a few seconds regretting his actions.

And is stopped by his phone ringing.

Kevin reads his uncle message.

He gets back to reality: Madison is still there and he needs to go back inside.

He sighs because he didn’t get to clear his head like he intended to. Instead, he just ended up getting even more disturbed.

Now, Kevin seems to be a little reluctant to talk to Madison, because his brother mentioned of his biggest insecurities: not being able to take care of his mother. And it’s not even the first time something of that nature happens: his sister once mocked the idea of him being a father too. It’s something that he’s really self-conscious about: not being capable of taking care of his loved ones. So, I guess that here Kevin had just entered a self-doubting mode.

Ultimately, he seems to realize Madison just needs him to be there and goes back in anyway.

Kevin enters the room:

The beginning of the sequence was BY FAR my favorite part of the entire episode. I reckon it's very intriguing the way they played everything out: they showed Kevin entering the room and the glances he exchanged with Madison. Which, if you think about it, would normally be a really monotone, not special and weird thing to focus on. However, there is something different about the way the actors deliver the scene, specially Justin, since the camera is primarily on him.

I personally find there to be something really enchanting on scenes that are done with the least amount of elements as possible. I have a special admiration when actors are able to deliver their performances with almost or no makeup at all and no lines or footage.

For example, I love clips where character A is listening to character B on the phone or a tape and you don’t get to see character B, but you are able to feel the emotion and the intensity the scene requires only by the way their voice sounds, the hesitation, the pauses they take and all of that.

And I’m also fond of silent sequences where everything that needs to be said is in the characters’ eyes, the way they move, their gestures and the rhythm of their breath. I LOVE paying attention to all of these little details.

And here Kevin stares at Madison with an amount of sensitiveness, understanding, empathy and softness that he had never given her before. In fact, I might be wrong, but I don’t recall him E-V-E-R looking at someone in such way, much less THAT intensely.

And there seems to be a lit bit of nervousness too. 

Which reminds me of a thing Justin said about these two: 

“I think if you know Kevin and the way that his mind works and the way that he goes about his business and the way he attacks situations, when he commits to something, he’s all in. (…) Now, things have changed. She’s pregnant with what she says are his twins and with the information that he has, ‘OK, she’s carrying my two children,’ so now everything has changed. Everything looks different, right? What Kevin saw before was this flighty sort of annoying friend of Kate’s. And then it turned into this one moment that they had together where they were sort of sharing in their own misery, right? One was lonely and one was sad and depressed and it was a perfect storm and that’s kind of all it was. (…) And then the unintended consequence of all that is she’s pregnant. So when she says things to him like, ‘This is kind of a miracle’ for me, I think everything changes. He sees her in a different light, obviously. (...)”

And I don’t know if that were scripted or just the actor’s approach (I really wish I could, though, because that sequence was simply brilliant), but it seems that Justin really wanted to incorporate this idea of Kevin seeing Madison in a whole new light.

In a way, it’s like he is seeing her for the very first time.

Kevin is also taking exceptional caution in every single move he makes, even with an action as simple as shutting the door. He closes it smoothly.

And they really focus on Kevin gazing at Madison.

While none of them is saying anything

and he approaches slowly

with just such a gentle look.

There’s literally around T-H-I-R-T-Y freaking SECONDS of this scene just dedicated to these quiet moments before Kevin finally says a word.

He calmly sits down in front of her. 

Madison waits for him to say anything.

Yet, he looks away and his face assumes this thoughtful countenance.

Then, Madison stops staring at him and looks down.

It’s only when Madison is not gazing at him anymore that Kevin sets his eyes on her again. There’s just something so pure, fragile and delicate about this entire sequence that I consider really touching.

“I’m so sick of chasing ghosts. I’m tired of doubting myself,” he shares. 

There’s also something implicitly significant about this. He is genuinely confiding in her. It’s another example of that raw honesty that Kevin seems to have with Madison and not even to be aware of it. It just looks like he voices his thoughts and feelings so easily with her. They don’t have a lot of scenes together yet, but there are already two substantial clips of them talking. And on both moments, he spontaneously gives her unsolicited information about himself. It’s like Kevin doesn’t feel the need to censor himself around her, it seems like he subconsciously feels comfortable enough with Madison to show his weariness, sadness and overall vulnerability. 

And Madison doesn’t seem to be annoyed by the fact he starts pouring his feelings out to her instead of talking about their current situation. She doesn’t turn him away. Madison remains quiet, pays attention and just gives Kevin the opportunity to share whatever he needs and wants.

“I’m all in, Madison. Whatever you need, I am all in,” he promises.

Madison's eyes widen in surprise

and he gives her this very subtle smile.

Kevin continues, “I want this.

And maybe I, I, I didn't think it would b...” He refrains himself from finishing that sentence, because it could’ve given Madison the wrong impression: that he will not love his child (children) the same way he would love them if the pregnancy had been planned and the baby (babies) was (were) a result of wedlock. 

Which is most certainly not the case and he lets her know his priority from now on will be his family, not the past.

Kevin glances softly at Madison one more time.  

“I wanna be a father,” he murmurs. Again, Kevin is confiding in Madison. He is opening up to her and saying things that he doesn’t have to say nor she has the obligation or necessity to know, but he still shares and she still listens to all of it attentively. 

The way Justin delivers this line is so special too. He pronounces it with a low, quiet voice. He shows us that Kevin is venting to her, because that is something he has craved so badly for so long and was almost losing hope of accomplishing. 

And Madison gives him a comprehensive and compassionate look, because she gets it. People usually don’t see her as a profound or mature person. Her relationships don’t even get to the point where discussing kids becomes a possibility. The last guy she dated broke up with her because he couldn’t picture them having a future together. Her medical history is complicated as well and the odds of her having children naturally were almost null. She not only understands it, but also has lived all of it through the years.

“I think I’d be great at it,” he tells her.

Kevin just keeps pouring his heart out to her, because a family of his own is something he has really longed to and and for over an entire year he’s been frustrated with the idea of not fulfilling this particular dream, specially since he feels he can do it and just needs the opportunity to prove it to himself and everyone.

By then, Kevin is already talking about it with a dreamy voice and look on his face.

“The love of my life will be my child,” he concludes, reinforcing that he is serious about it.

“Children,” Madison corrects him.

It appears Kevin doesn’t know what to say now: he slightly trembles, but there’s still some kind of exhilaration in his eyes. It’s like he is asking her: wait, are you saying what I think you’re saying? Is this actually happening?

“It’s twins, Kevin!”, she reveals.

There’s something also very special about the way Caitlin delivers her line. Madison says it in a way that is so soft, because she still can’t believe this indeed happening, but there is emotion and enthusiasm too and she pronounces those words in a way that sort of sounds like she is singing. Like something Madison is still getting used to, but she loves repeating to herself and being reminded of.

And Kevin doesn’t know how to respond to that, but you can see his face slowly light up like a child.

There is this pure, dreamy and joyful look in his eyes all over again.

It’s not a large smile just yet, because he also can’t believe that’s actually happening, but Madison is able to read him and she sees in him the mix of surprise, thrill and barely being able to react or say a single word, because that simply sounds too good to be true.

By that moment, Madison is already feeling relieved and comfortable around Kevin and she gives him another smile and shrugs. He doesn’t need to say anything out loud, because Madison understands what that silence means: she has become familiar with that mix of emotions as well. She feels it, she k-n-o-w-s.

PS: Feel free too add your notes, I’d love to know your comments on their scenes from this episode. :) 

[howtodrawyourdragon]

How do you think Hiccup will feel about ever somehow getting pregnant by Viggo and having his child? How will he process that?

I’ll be taking Tiny as an example because I think you’re ask about him is what sparked this one?

Anyway, I think that is once again entirely dependable on the context.

More under the cut because this isn’t my whump blog and some things I will be discussing will imply some very heavy whump.

I do have an AU in which Tiny’s father is Viggo, but in said AU, Hiccup and Viggo are in a consensual relationship together. The biggest problem here is that it is entirely behind the Dragon Riders’ backs as they are still on opposing sides and this makes Hiccup feel guilty for keeping secrets and for lying. The only one who knows the full truth is Toothless.

In this particular context, having Tiny would still be a happy thing. But his pregnancy would cause some internal conflict within Hiccup and Tiny’s birth (or any baby’s birth) would probably cause some strain when the truth inevitably comes out as well.

And this is considering that Viggo lives and the Dragon Riders are hurt by Hiccup’s dishonesty.

But that is just this one fic. And I’m right to assume that this isn’t the kind of situation you’re referring to?

Now in a different context, if Tiny’s conception was discovered after Viggo’s death, for example, having him would be more bittersweet, in a way.

At this point Hiccup and the Riders aren’t on bad terms with him anymore and when they hear about his death, Astrid and Hiccup even agree that it’s almost like losing a mentor since Viggo did teach them a lot.

They were on opposing sides until that episode, but still, it seems like Viggo will be remembered. So one would argue that Tiny’s existence would be welcomed in this situation. Perhaps, they don’t go parading around with the news that Tiny’s other dad is Viggo, but they would definitely see it as a “he taught us a lot and he gave us Tiny” kind of deal. If that makes sense.

And then there’s a third situation we could think of and that’s if Tiny’s conception hadn’t been consensual. Which is probably the most likely scenario and I think the one you’re wondering about the most. And the short answer would be that it would be very hard to say. Especially when you’re as biased as I am whenever Tiny is involved.

Having him then could either be more bittersweet and cause for more conflicting emotions. Maybe not everyone would be on board with the idea of Hiccup having him and raising him either.

Upon first learning of his pregnancy, I don’t think Hiccup would be happy. At all. Especially considering what may have happened to conceive said child and who said child’s father most likely is and the fact that he’s basically tied to this child in some shape or form no matter what, even if he doesn’t keep the child. You don’t just have a baby and then forget about them. And what Hiccup will do entirely depends on how you see his character.

To me, Hiccup will do either one of two things during his pregnancy.

Either he will tell his friends and family once the news has finally sunken in for him. Or he would try to stay in denial and/or hide his pregnancy as best as he can until it’s just too obvious to hide for any longer or until the baby is literally coming.

The pregnancy, whether he’s going through it all by himself or with his loved ones by his side, won’t be easy or happy. There may be high points, but there will probably be a lot of low points as well. Pregnancies are already hard on their own without a scenario such as this attached to it.

This may be my bias speaking, but Hiccup would be the kind of person to see his pregnancy as a “we’re both on this sinking ship together” kind of thing. He didn’t ask to be forced upon and this baby didn’t ask to be put there.

I can see Hiccup being the kind of person to think that way, to be able to separate Viggo from this baby and then still be able to enjoy some part of it, at least. If not out of pure stubbornness alone.

The baby’s actual birth will probably be received with mixed emotions.

On the one hand, I can see Hiccup being happy to finally have this child. But on the other hand, I can see him be upset about it as well. I tend to lean more towards the former, though. And not entirely because I’m so biased towards Tiny.

Hiccup is an incredibly forgiving person. He forgives his father and Berk for the years they’ve cast him out. He gives Alvin a second chance and allows their tribes to become allies even after all Alvin has done. He eventually gives Dagur a chance to redeem himself even after all he’s done, including abducting his father and threatening to kill him over Toothless. He gives Valka a second chance after she misses 20 years of his life by staying away and letting him believe she was dead the entire time, …

Hiccup is an incredibly forgiving person.

This is why I don’t see Hiccup as the kind to look at a baby, a newborn little baby that came completely innocent into the world, whether it’s his own or someone else’s, and see someone other than this baby. He would be the kind of person to think that way.

Maybe he’ll think of the person who forced them inside him whenever he sees them, but I can see that make Hiccup even more determined to accept this child.

And if it is Tiny you were wondering about, that Tiny takes so much after Hiccup would certainly help. (And that he takes after Stoick. Tiny has red hair before it takes on a browner shade somewhere during his first year of life)

And a guest reviewer has suggested the Dragon Riders name Tiny “Hope” (his actual name, Vigi, hasn’t been revealed yet in the main fic) because he brings them hope in trying times and I love that sentiment. (The main fic takes place during the Dawn of Destruction - Wings of War three-parter. RttE’s lowest low, basically) So I would like to think that Tiny would give Hiccup hope in this scenario as well. Hope to one day be okay again.

Processing such a thing, an unwanted pregnancy caused by non-consensual circumstances followed by a birth, will be different for each character, but I can see Hiccup do it through sheer stubbornness. It won’t be easy, and it will probably backfire a lot before he makes actual progress, but I can see him trying to trudge through such a mess no matter how hard it’s going to be.

Life is daunting in that you’re forced to keep on going no matter what. The next day will come no matter how much you don’t want it to. I can only see Hiccup face this head-on, whether he has the strength to do it or not.

With that said, I don’t think his loved ones would be as easily convinced. The Dragon Riders would definitely back him up in any decision he would end up making, whether they agree with him or not, and I can see them accept the baby/Tiny (or try to accept) for Hiccup’s sake alone.

Gobber would probably stand by Hiccup’s side and do his best for both of them.

Stoick would be the hardest to convince and the last to come around. If Viggo isn’t dead already at this point, Stoick will probably go out and make sure that he is with his own bare hands.

Stoick is, like the tv-shows have shown, a very vengeful person. Almost nicknamed “Stoick the Vindictive”. He doesn’t want Hiccup to be tainted by a taste for vengeance, but Stoick would absolutely go out there and get it for him.

As for the baby, I can see him try to argue Hiccup’s possible decision to keep and raise them. Not just because of what’s been done, but also because Hiccup isn’t just anyone either. He’s a chief’s heir. And although I don’t quite know how the line of success works, Hiccup being heir makes this baby Hiccup’s heir.

Stoick won’t turn his back on Hiccup, of course, but it will take him time for the baby to grow on him.

In a Tiny-specific scenario, Stoick might soften up when he realizes Tiny is more Haddock than Grimborn from the very moment he’s born.

Anyway, I’ve been rambling on and on for way too long because I had way too many thoughts about this ask, but the gist is that I think it once again depends on the context. If it’s the third and last one I discussed, Hiccup would have a very hard time overall.

[machetelanding]

You’re making your way through the gaming world of your choice, and suddenly hear an overenthusiastic war cry. Turning around, there’s a handful of those generic enemies sprinting towards you with some obviously lethal intentions: they could be bandits, soldiers, roving post-apocalyptic fiends, or just some hostile bipedal humanoids – but chances are that no matter the game, they’re a mixture of both men and women. It wasn’t so long ago that these generic, nameless baddies were simply men, yet this switch to include women among their ranks is one of the most important patterns in gaming. Because – in a revelation that won’t shock any of you, I’m sure – some girls can be evil too.

However perverted this might sound, being able to fight off bloodthirsty women as well as men makes me so god damn happy. Whether these nameless, cookie-cutter foes are being used as meatbag distractions during a boss fight or are the kind that roam across an open world and are all too happy to open fire on you, having a mixture of men and women in their ranks is one step closer to equality between the sexes in video games, and helps to get rid of the damaging notion that women aren’t aggressors. Let me explain why.

Mixed-sex cannon-fodder

It might just sound like an aesthetic choice, a small tweak that you don’t really notice when you’re gaming. But having both men and women attack you slowly but surely erodes the idea that men are the default setting for generic enemies: that they’re nameless cannon fodder, disposable and meant to be killed without a second thought. However, great as it is to have major female NPCs, treating men and women the same when it comes to the lowest level of nameless-NPCs is just as important. This is far from a new trend, though: Skyrim has mixed-sex guards and bandits, Far Cry 5 has cultists and Highwaymen of both genders, the soldiers patrolling Assassin’s Creed Odyssey’s forts and cities are both male and female, and other games like Dishonored 2, all the Bioshock games, and Left 4 Dead have the same gender balance. Most recently Borderlands 3 joined the party by giving us female psychos (at last).

Whichever way you look at it, it’s good to prove that like men, women can be dicks and join causes that belong to the baddies, as well as leading those hordes of evil ne’er-do-wells. Pretending otherwise is just putting women on a pedestal, implying that we’re without fault and couldn’t possibly contemplate hurting another living being. But even though most games already include lethal ladies, part of what is holding some titles back (and could have occurred to you too) might be that faint and outdated idea that you shouldn’t hit a girl, no matter what. And you shouldn’t, as a rule, but – and I hope this is so obvious that I don’t have to point it out – nor should you hit boys. But there is one big exception: if they seem thirsty for your blood, gender doesn’t really matter when it comes down to making sure your vital organs actually stay inside your body. It’s like that scene in 22 Jump Street, where Schmidt doesn’t want to hit Mercedes, or Colossus’ initial reluctance to fight Angel Dust in Deadpool.

Time to point out the obvious: if some girl is trying to whack your head in with a baseball bat, it’s alright to fight back. For whatever reason, for some fighting women who are pretty ok with fighting you seems to be one of those old weird chivalry rules that hasn’t quite gone away yet. I sincerely hope that if any of us were faced with Mickey and Lou from Far Cry New Dawn, Doom’s Olivia Pierce, Irene Engel from Wolfenstein 2, God of War’s Valkyries, or Lady Butterfly from Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, we’d be ok with shedding some blood in the name of survival.

Monstrous mobs

This goes far beyond just low-level female and male mobs though, and into the depiction of monsters and the monstrous in video games. Although with some creatures it’s almost impossible to tell their gender due to their androgynous appearance – like Devil May Cry 5’s Hell Atenora or Metro Exodus’ humanimals – other games seem to incline more towards having a majority of monsters with masculine physical qualities. Take Outlast and Outlast 2, for example. Even though the second game had horrific female enemies like Val and Marta, the Heretics that you fought near the end of the game are all men, as evidenced by their almost-naked bodies and, ahem, genitalia. Then Outlast only had male enemies, despite there being a female ward at Mount Massive Asylum.

Helwalkers, Trolls, and Draugr in God of War all have male physical characteristics too (broad shoulders, slim hips), plus in Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild Lynels, as just one example, are all evidently buff lion centaur dudes. Depicting most monsters as having typically male qualities is limiting to say the least. Although they look cool as heck in a kind of horrifying way, monsters can and should have female characteristics too, like God of War’s Revenants or Left 4 Dead 2’s Spitter and Witch special infected. By the way, those two examples also prove that women can be monstrous without using their gender as the reason for their monstrosity, which is unfortunately the category that enemies like Marguerite Baker from Resident Evil 7 fall into, with her twisted form seemingly relying on a twisted mockery of pregnancy to disgust us.

And yeah, I know my entire argument can be simplified into 'let me kill more women in video games, dammit', but I’m ok with that. You want to support a tyrant? A cult leader? You can, no matter what’s between your legs! Including women among those low-level mobs undermines the idea that women can’t be aggressors, and helps to combat the sexist idea that women can’t be violent. A notion like that harms both genders, and who knows, this could just be a small step towards men being treated as women’s equals in other bits of real life too. Since we’ve started to talk more about equality between the sexes it’s no coincidence that current trends indicate men are feeling more able to open up about being the victims of violence: reports of sexual offences against men having tripled in the last 10 years, and reports of men being domestically abused have risen also. Having a balanced depiction of generic, evil men and women in video games might seem like a trivial point, but it’s small things like this that end up making it easier for all of us to be treated equally.

[roseandreason]

Its the big one….Birth (part 1)

Im going to do this as a two parter, mainly because I don’t want to miss anything out but also because I don’t get a huge amount of time to write things like this anymore! Ill try not to keep you waiting too long for part two!

6 weeks ago I had a baby…..and everyone wants to know, how was the birth, so here I am….to tell all, buckle in, grab a coffee and a snack, I highly recommend jelly babies or a squares bar, these turned out to be my labour snacks of choice.

My main reason for writing this blog post is one, because I hope it helps others, the same as all my posts but two because I had a truly wonderful birth experience…I hear you gasp….a positive birth story?! Yes it was wonderful and I know these are rarely heard amongst the horror stories out there that can be really scary to hear!

So here we go, but where to start?!

I guess we will start right at the beginning (no not conception, we are all adults here and know where babies come from) my maternity leave, I went on maternity leave when I was roughly 36 weeks pregnant, which for a lot of people sounds early, but it was really important to me to really have time to relax at home and prepare for our baby girl to arrive both mentally and physically, I don’t think there was any better way to do that than being at home, mainly cross-stitching and binge watching multiple series! I suffered with severe pelvic pain and hyperemesis (sickness and nausea) in my pregnancy amongst other symptoms including feet that looked more like water balloons, it was not the glowing pregnancy so often advertised (and yet I absolutely loved it) so those few weeks were amazing to be at home in my own space and if you can I fully recommend anyone planning maternity to do the same, I think too many people work right the way up to their due date at work and work themselves too hard! You’re about to have a huge shift in your life, those weeks to myself were golden and I’m so glad I took that time to myself and Titch when he had days off. 

In that time I also practiced all the tools in my hypnobirthing course me and Titch did, it was the best money I have ever spent and the tools I learnt 100% contributed to why I had such an amazing birth experience, more on that later!

Fast forward to my due date, I had tried to not put too much focus on my due date or tell many people when it was. Babies in general but specifically 1st babies very rarely arrive on their due date, I think only around 4%! (I was actually born on my due date, but if you know me thats the most me thing to do, always on time as expected!)

 70% of first babies are born between 40 and 42 weeks so I knew there was a high chance I would go ‘overdue’ 

I won’t pretend however that towards my due date and after I didn’t start to feel impatient. I was lucky enough to share my pregnancy journey with one of my best friends, she had her baby boy at 39 weeks, then all our friends on our antinaetal class also went on to have their babies, so it did feel like everyone was waiting for our little lady to arrive, and we were so desperate to meet her! 

At 41 weeks +1 (Monday) I went to the midwife for them to attempt a ‘sweep’. This is something I initially wasnt going to have as they are not proven to help start labour but I later changed my mind hoping that I might at least know where my body was at in the process. Long story short the midwife said that on their scoring system I was the lowest possible score (ouch!) my body and cervix were completely uninterested in gong into labour and an induction was most likely how our birth was going to go. I went home and cried, I was so desperate for my body start a spontaneous labour and I really didn’t want to be induced, so I had a good cry (full on disney princess style sprawled on the bed), I was so dissapointed! 

The following day (Tuesday) I felt completely different (when does a good cry not make you feel better!) I had accepted that my body just wasn’t ready, and that was ok, as long as our baby girl arrived safely, I called the hospital and accepted an induction and it was booked for the Friday. I knew within a few more days, we would have our family.

We had to take our car in for a recall Job that day, and due to it being possible for me to go into labour at any point they gave us a courtesy car until ours was ready, we transferred the baby car seat, my hospital notes and birth plan into this car…(this is an important detail, you’ll find out later why) me and Titch both laughed to the receptionist saying well what are the chances of it happening today….unknown to us both…my body and Olive had very different plans 

That evening me and Titch were having our dinner in the garden and I said to him ‘I just don’t feel right’ I had a little back pain and some cramp like feelings but due to being told what I had the day before I did not even think for a second these could be labour symptoms, so I went upstairs and said I was going to have a nice long bath and an early night…again my body had a very different evening planned for us both.

At just before half past 8 I got out of the bath with freshly washed hair and put on fresh pjs (no better feeling) I took a photo of me and bump (shown below and the last photo I have of my bump) went downstairs and boom, at the bottom of our stairs my waters went, I looked up at Titch who was following me down the stairs and said ‘either I just wet myself or my waters have just gone……Nope it won’t stop….its my waters’ 

 I was so excited and I had always wanted my movie moment of my waters breaking but its not as common as people think, so I was buzzing! Let me tell you what they don’t in movies…it does not stop, there was so much water I couldnt beleive it!! It was such a surreal moment and I remember me and Titch just staring at each other for brief second and then both of us absolutely beaming and smiling and hugging each other so tight, it was happening, our baby girl was on her way.

When your waters break you need to call the hospital to let them know as they like to make sure you have given birth within 24hrs of them breaking to prevent infection, so I asked Titch to grab the hospital notes with the wards number on…..remember earlier I said about putting our hospital notes in the courtesy car, yeah we forgot to take them back, they were locked in a car on a forecourt in Wymondham….ooops! It would have been too easy to panic but instead we just laughed and Titch said well we can’t have been the first and we won’t be the last! We spoke to an incredible Midwife on the phone who told me to try and get some rest before my contractions started (lol) and to keep them updated on my progress.

My contractions or surges as we called them as part of our Hypnobirthing course, started at 9pm so only half an hour after my waters broke and there you have it, the start of our labour story, and I fully believe that it happened that day because I was the most relaxed I had been, I had accepted she wasn’t coming until the Friday and that was ok, I had also spent the entire day bouncing on my pregnancy ball, must have done something! So when people ask ‘how do I start labour, what did you do’ I truly believe there is nothing you can do, your body will do what it wants when it wants and when it feels ready!

Baby Olive…..she was on her way XXX

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Nansook Hong – In the Shadow of the Moons book, part 5

In the family room at East Garden, I instruct my son Shin Gil how to bow before his grandmother, Hak Ja Han Moon. She is surrounded by grandchildren.

In The Shadow Of The Moons: My Life In The Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s Family by Nansook Hong  1998  

Chapter 8    

page 154

I had just taken my last spring final exam at New York University when Hyo Jin called from Korea in May 1986. He had been in Seoul for weeks. He missed me and the baby, he said. We should come as soon as possible.

It was my first year in college. The Moons had been willing to send me on the theory that my academic success would reflect well on them one day. I had been up late every night for days, studying for finals and writing term papers. I wanted to do well, not only to justify the expense of my education to the Reverend and Mrs. Moon but to feel pride in my freshman accomplishments.

The classroom was the one place in my universe over which I felt complete mastery. I knew how to learn, how to study, how to take tests. I did not know how to think critically, but I rarely had to in order to earn good grades. The memorization skills I had learned as a child in Korea were serving me well in American higher education as well.

New York University had not been my first college choice. I wanted to attend Barnard College, the women’s undergraduate division of Columbia University. I knew it was one of the prestigious Seven Sisters schools and I felt reassured that my classmates would be females. I was married and a mother but still as awkward as an adolescent girl around young men.

Barnard would not have me. I had foolishly applied as an early-decision candidate, a realistic option for only the very best students. My grades were good but my essays showed the lack of self-reflection that characterized my life at that time. I was determined after that initial rejection to do so well at N.Y.U. that Barnard would reconsider and accept me as a transfer student one day.

I was also in my first trimester of a new pregnancy when Hyo Jin summoned me to Seoul, and the prospect of the long flight with a toddler could not have been less appealing. I was worried, too, about the chance of miscarriage after my last, failed pregnancy. But it was so rare for Hyo Jin even to call me when he was away, let alone to request my company, that I eagerly interpreted this as a hopeful sign for our marriage.

The flight was every bit as grueling as I had feared. My daughter was too excited to sleep. She shook me every time I closed my eyes. I kept myself awake with optimistic thoughts of how God must have used this time to soften Hyo Jin’s heart.

I was disabused of that fantasy as soon as my daughter and I arrived at the Moon household in Seoul. Hyo Jin had begged us to come and now he wanted nothing to do with us. I had become accustomed over the years to Hyo Jin’s need to control me, but I was alarmed by his almost paranoid monitoring of my every movement while we were in Korea. When I told him I would like to look up some of my old friends from the Little Angels school, for example, he barked that I would do no such thing. “You have no friends,” he told me. “I am your perfect friend. You do not need anyone else.”

He would become enraged if he returned home and found that I had taken my daughter to visit my parents. It was my duty to be waiting when he came home. He made me so nervous that whenever I went to visit my mother, I called the Moon household each and every hour to see if he was looking for me.

The elder Moons had returned to New York from one of their frequent trips to Korea soon after I arrived in Seoul, but many of the older Moon children were in Korea. In Jin was among them. She had always been very close to Hyo Jin and had not cared for me from the moment we first met. She summoned me to her room a few days after my arrival in Korea. It was clear she was furious at me — for what, I did not know. We had only exchanged polite greetings in the hall.

I sat on the floor, appropriately humble before a True Child. “My brother is working so hard and what are you doing? Nothing!” she shouted. “You are lazy and spoiled. According to Korean tradition, you should be mopping the kitchen floor and washing the dishes. You rank in the lowest position in this family and you should be clear about that.”

I was taken aback, but I knew In Jin did not expect me to answer. To have done so would have been impertinent. What was the point of telling her that Hyo Jin would not permit me to accompany him to church events? What would I gain by contradicting her? I let her fury wash over me. How often had I found myself in this position, on my knees being browbeaten by one of the Moons? It was difficult enough to hear the lies that they heaped upon me, but my powerlessness to respond reduced me to the status of a small child. Did In Jin really think that I preferred to live the life her brother forced on me? Did she think I would not enjoy seeing other people? Was she blind to how Hyo Jin spent his free time in Seoul?

The bar scene was even worse in Seoul than it was in New York. In Korea there was always someone willing to give Hyo Jin money, always some old friend to join him in one or another of his many vices. My mother had asked my uncle Soon Yoo to keep an eye on him. My uncle was a smooth talker, a trumpet player who knew the nightclubs even better than Hyo Jin did. My mom had a soft spot for him because he was the little brother who had brought her shoes to her when my grandmother locked her in her room to prevent her from marrying my father. However, it was unclear who was watching whom when my husband and my uncle were together. After a drinking session, the two of them often visited a Seoul steam bath, where, I later learned, Hyo Jin had found a lover among the towel girls.

One night when Hyo Jin returned home from the bars, I was kneeling beside our bed in prayer, as I did every evening. I heard him come into the room, but I thought I should complete my prayer before greeting him. That was a mistake. His palm slammed into the side of my head. Because of my pregnancy, my balance was off. He knocked me over. “How dare you not rise to greet your husband,” he said, his slurred words evidence that he was very drunk. “I was only trying to finish my prayer,” I said in a foolhardy attempt to explain myself. Hyo Jin let loose with a string of complaints about me and my parents: I was an ugly, fat, and stupid girl; my parents were arrogant and disloyal to Father; they were an evil influence on me. When he went into the bathroom, I saw my opportunity and ran to another room. He was only a few steps behind me.

He began banging loudly on the door. I was terrified and worried his screaming would awaken our child. I huddled on the bed while her madman father tried to batter down the door, which I was grateful had a solid brass lock. After several minutes he left and I fell asleep. I woke the next morning to the sound of his cursing in the hall. This time he was wielding his guitar as a sledgehammer, but the heavy wooden door would not yield. When he left, I ran to another room.

No sooner had I slipped into a room down the hall than I saw him on the balcony outside. He smashed his guitar through the window, raining shards of glass down onto the chair where I had just been sitting. I ran down the staircase, the sound of his angry cursing in my ears. I took refuge in the rooms of a church leader who lived downstairs. Hyo Jin kept shouting for me to show myself. I was scared, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew he would beat me senseless if I came out. I stayed hidden for hours while he recruited others in the household to search for me. When he finally gave up and went out to the bars, I called my father in hysterical tears. He immediately sent a car for my daughter and me.

It was the first time in my marriage that I was afraid for my life. Until then the abuse I had suffered had been more psychological than physical. I had spent years steeling myself against his cruelty and threats. I was “ugly” and “fat” and “stupid.” Without him I was a “nobody” and a “nothing.” I thought I was “so smart,” but he was the son of the Messiah. I could be “replaced.” I had trained myself not to react to his verbal abuse. At some level, I knew he was being defensive. Hyo Jin resented the education I was earning while he squandered his youth on booze and drugs and prostitutes. I knew not to fight back when he attacked me. To do so would only have invited more of the same. I worried for Shin June and the baby I carried, growing up in an atmosphere of such hatred and vitriol. For my children, I kept silent and tried not to offend him. It was like walking on eggshells; anything I said might set him off.

In many ways, Hyo Jin’s abusive behavior was a natural response to the environment of coercion and control in the Moon household and the Unification Church. I, too, suffered under the restrictions the Moons imposed. The expectation that I would be available at a moment’s notice to wait on Mrs. Moon meant I could have no substantive life outside the compound in Irvington. I was a phantom presence on campus when I attended New York University and, later, Barnard College.

Sun Myung Moon sent his children and sons and daughters-in-law to college to earn degrees that would bring greater public glory to him, not a broader personal experience to us. I made no friends for fear such contact would invite questions about my life or require further time away from the compound. Mrs. Moon already considered my studies a usurpation of time that rightfully should have been at her disposal.

I came and went from N.Y.U. with other Blessed Children. I interrupted my education to accommodate my pregnancies so often that I exhausted the number of leaves of absence each N.Y.U. student is allowed. In 1988, having earned high grades at N.Y.U., I transferred to Barnard. A security guard from East Garden would drive me to and from classes. Not even the professor who served as my adviser knew who I really was.

Much later, when I became pregnant with Shin Ok, my fourth child, I applied for a leave of absence from Barnard as well. My adviser, an older female professor, was very solicitous when I told her that I was pregnant. “Are you sure this is what you want?” she asked gingerly. “Oh, it’s O.K. I’m married!” I laughed. What I didn’t tell her was that Shin Ok would be my fourth child. I wasn’t sure Barnard had ever seen a coed quite like me.

The books I read and the lectures I heard exposed me to wider views of the world, but for me it was all an intellectual exercise. In the stacks of Wollman Library at Barnard and of Butler Library at Columbia, I gained information, not insight. I had been trained all my life never to question, not to doubt. No college course on the history of religion, no lecture on the roots of messianic movements, could have shaken my faith in Sun Myung Moon or the Unification Church.

The practical effect of blind faith is isolation. I was surrounded by people who believed as I did. Everything in my life — from my duty to prostrate myself before Mother and Father in greeting each morning to my duty to accept the divinity of my transparently flawed husband — reinforced that isolation. If I was angry or sad or upset, there was no one with whom I could share those feelings. The Moons did not care; my parents were a world away; and the staff of East Garden and ordinary church members barely spoke to me because of my elevated position as a member of the True Family.

I was alone. If not for prayer, I would have lost my mind. God became the friend and confidante I did not have on earth. He listened to my heartache. He heard my pain. He gave me strength to face my future with the monster I had married.

Hyo Jin’s rage in Seoul frightened my parents. They knew I lived a difficult life in East Garden, but this was the first time they had seen my suffering up close. When I had arrived at their home with Shin June, I was still shaking and tearful. We knew Hyo Jin would come to get me, and my parents were powerless to defy the son of the Messiah. I was so scared he would beat me for running away. My father drove me to a hospital in Seoul, where doctors admitted me after we explained what had happened. Hyo Jin called my parents’ home looking for me and demanded that I return. My father told him the doctors insisted I needed to stay in the hospital for the sake of the baby I was carrying.

It was not long before Hyo Jin appeared at my bedside. His message was clear: I could not hide out forever. I could not keep his daughter from him for long. I would have to come back eventually. He did not apologize or even acknowledge why I had fled the Moon household in terror. He wanted only to let me know that sooner or later I would have to return and face him.

I stayed in Seoul with my parents and my daughter for two months. Hyo Jin returned to East Garden. He explained my absence to his parents as an act of willfulness on my part. I was stubborn and defiant. He had had to hit me, he told them, because I had talked back to him. In their view, such physical punishment of a wife was justifiable. I remember one sermon at a 5:00 a.m. family Pledge Service when Father said wives should be struck now and then to keep them humble. “You wives who have been slapped or hit by your husband, raise your hands,” he once instructed at a Sunday sermon at Belvedere. “Sometimes you may be struck because of your lips. The body’s first criminal is the lips — those two thin lips!”

Unificationism teaches that wives are subservient to their husbands, just as children are subservient to their parents. They must obey. “If you beat your children from your temper, it is a sin,” the Reverend Moon has said. “But if they do not obey you, you can bring them by force. It will be good for them, after all. If they do not obey you, you can even strike them.” Just as Sun Myung Moon smacked his children when they defied him, the son of the Messiah felt free to beat his wife when she failed to accord him the respect to which he felt entitled.

A letter soon arrived for me at my parents’ home from Mrs. Moon. She wrote to tell me that I must come back. It was wrong for me to be at my parents’ house. I was not their child; I was Hyo Jin’s wife. She was angry at my mother and father for sheltering me, anger that hardened against them when her own daughter Je Jin and my brother Jin sent their children to stay with my parents in Korea to shield them from the influence of the Moons. Je Jin and Jin were already having doubts about her parents and the church.161

My parents and I both knew my time with them was no more than a temporary respite. I had to go back. It was my mission. It was my fate. It is easy for those outside the Unification Church to wonder how a mother and father could have sent their daughter back to an abusive husband and uncaring in-laws, but my parents and I believed we were fulfilling God’s plan. It was not for us to alter that course. Even to consider leaving Hyo Jin Moon meant rejecting my life, my church, my God. For my parents, it meant questioning every decision of their entire adult lives.

Beyond my religious compulsion to return, there was my fear. A woman does not have to be trapped in a cult to feel powerless before the man who beats her. What battered woman has not heard a well-meaning friend or relative ask: “Why don’t you leave?” It sounds so simple, but how simple is it for a mother of young children without resources who takes seriously her husband’s threats to kill her? Women beaten by their partners are at their greatest risk of being murdered when they flee. Crime statistics confirm that reality but women know it instinctively. Even if I did not have the pressure of my faith forcing me back to East Garden, I had the pressure of my fear.

Leaving my parents’ home that September was awkward and painful for all of us. I did not want to go. They did not want to let me. But none of us could see beyond the power of Sun Myung Moon and his church. There were tearful farewells with my mother and my siblings. My father could not even meet my gaze. I knew that his distress was as great as my own.

Hyo Jin did not come to meet Shin June and me at the airport. When we saw him at Cottage House, it was as though nothing had happened between us. At East Garden, Mrs. Moon summoned me to her room. She welcomed me home and assured me that Hyo Jin had promised there would be no repetition of the incident in Seoul that had kept me away so long. She spoke in euphemisms about his violence and his substance abuse, reminding me that it was my duty to work as God’s instrument to change her son. That was why I had been chosen. On the one hand, all my experience told me that her son was a pathological liar. On the other, I still believed in my divine mission, that God would bring about genuine change in him eventually if only I worked and prayed hard enough. I wanted to believe Mother’s reassurances as much as every battered woman wants to believe her husband’s promises to change.

Mrs. Moon was less indirect about her anger at my parents. It had been wrong of them to keep me in Seoul. She questioned their loyalty to Father. True Parents had been hearing reports from Korea about the Hongs that displeased them. I had only a vague idea of what Mrs. Moon was talking about. For some time my mother had been hinting that all was not well between them and the Reverend and Mrs. Moon. During recent visits of True Mother and True Father to Korea, the Reverend Moon had singled out my father for public criticism. He accused my father of packing 11 Hwa with Hong relatives to the detriment of the company. He accused my father of taking credit for the success of Il Hwa when the success belonged to Sun Myung Moon.

My mother told me these things, but without alarm. Father was known for his perverse inclination to dress down those who actually pleased him. Only in the Unification Church could it be considered a compliment to be criticized in public. I would learn later, though, that the Reverend Moon had begun to take sadistic pleasure in humiliating my father in front of others. At the opening of a bottling plant whose design, financing, and construction my father had supervised, the Reverend Moon scoffed at him as an ineffectual executive who could be fired at the Messiah’s whim. At his breakfast table in Seoul, he mocked my father in front of a dozen church leaders as a man led around by the nose by his wife.

It was difficult to know what accounted for the Moons’ shift in attitude toward my parents. Sun Myung Moon was at once attracted and repelled by intelligence and competence. No one should ever appear smarter than the Messiah. My father had built a successful company from the ground up for the Reverend Moon. That was good; he had served his master well. My father had accomplished this through his own skill and hard work. That was bad; he might take credit for Il Hwa’s success.

My mother was in an equally precarious position. A shy girl when she joined the Unification Church, she had become one of its most eloquent voices after years of preaching on Sun Myung Moon’s behalf. Well read, she had become a respected voice on matters of religion. Mrs. Moon, who had not finished high school before she married Sun Myung Moon, was uncomfortable around well-educated and pretty women like my mother. She insisted on being introduced in public as Dr. Hak Ja Han Moon, but the title was an honorary one.

Mrs. Moon’s insecurity was demonstrated by the kind of women she surrounded herself with in East Garden, Korean ladies I used to think of as her court jesters. They were there to entertain their mistress with jokes and foolishness, not to engage her in meaningful conversation. My mother was a breed apart. Smart and serious, she did not suffer fools. She was devoted to True Mother, but she did not play the role that Mrs. Moon most enjoyed.

The ladies around Mrs. Moon seized on her displeasure with my mother to further undermine her in True Mother’s eyes. Many of these women were eaten up with jealousy that the Hongs had married into the True Family. Jin and I, in their view, had taken the rightful places of their sons or daughters. Here was their opportunity for revenge. My mother’s every action was distorted by the rumor mill. A gift of money to a church member in need was misinterpreted as an attempt to buy someone’s affection. A defense of my father was read as an attack on the Moons.

In a medieval royal court, whoever whispered last into the ear of the king or queen had the most influence. It was no different in the Moon compound. The sycophants held sway. Soon there were rumors that my parents planned to establish a splinter church in Korea, that my father intended to declare himself the true Messiah. It was all nonsense, but the Moons were always willing to believe the worst. My father’s role in the Unification Church steadily declined at the urging of Mrs. Moon. To lessen his impact in Korea, Mrs. Moon eventually had the Reverend Moon appoint my father as president of the Unification Church in Europe, the continent where the movement had the least influence in the world.

The Moons’ mistrust of my parents spilled over into my life. I was told to minimize my contact with them. My calls through the East Garden switchboard to Korea were monitored to make certain that the Moons’ directive was obeyed. To be cut off from my family was more isolation than I could stand. I installed a private telephone in my room to maintain ties to my mother and father.

Two months after I returned to East Garden, our second daughter, Shin Young, was born. There was the usual disappointment that I had not produced a male heir, but there was relief, as well, that Hyo Jin’s abuse of drugs and alcohol had not damaged this beautiful baby girl.

A few months later, Mrs. Moon was preparing to return to Korea for an extended visit. She called me to her room and announced that she would be taking my four-year-old daughter with her to serve as a companion for her own five-year-old daughter, Jeung Jin. I did not dare voice my objections or ask all the questions I had. She did not indicate how long they would be gone. I barely had time to absorb this news when she returned from her closet safe with a Gucci handbag. It contained a hundred thousand dollars in cash. This was “seed money” for our family’s future, she told me. I should invest it wisely, perhaps in gold. Later, she said, she would give us another three hundred thousand dollars. Was she bribing me? Taking my daughter away in exchange for cash?

I begged Hyo Jin to intervene with his mother. I knew my daughter would not want to go. Jeung Jin was spoiled, and her baby-sitter was mean. My daughter and I were very close. She would miss me terribly. She was too young for such a trip. Hyo Jin refused to speak with his mother. If our daughter was in Korea, it would give him a convenient excuse to go there himself and visit his girlfriends. Besides, there was the money to think about from his mother. I was advised to store it in a safe deposit box in a bank in Tarrytown. Had I deposited it in a savings account we would have to do the unthinkable: pay taxes on it. The safe deposit box was a mistake, of course. It provided Hyo Jin with ready access to cash. He used the money that was earmarked for our children’s future to buy a thirty-thousand-dollar gold-plated gun for Father and motorcycles for himself and his brothers.

My little girl was in Korea for three long months. In the photographs Mrs. Moon sent home to East Garden, she was never smiling. When she left, she could hold a pencil and print her name. In Korea the baby-sitter slapped her hand and told her not to do that. Her aunt could not print her name, and the Moon children must be superior. It took me years to correct the damage. The baby-sitter would tell Shin June ghost stories that would give her nightmares. When she would ask to visit my mother, Mrs. Moon would distract her with a visit to a toy store or an ice cream parlor.

I vowed I would never let the Moons take any of my children from me again. The Moons brought the children on their speaking tours not because they loved their company but because they needed living ornaments, cutely outfitted decorations that would portray them as the loving parents and grandparents to the world. I would do whatever it took — flattery, manipulation, deceit — to stop Sun Myung and Hak Ja Han Moon from exploiting my children in the future.

My children were the one real blessing in my life. I defined myself as either pregnant or between pregnancies. I signed up for classes or dropped out of classes depending on my condition. In 1987 I was certain I was facing a second miscarriage. I was bleeding heavily in my fourth month. My doctor advised bed rest, but it did not stop the flow of blood. I was very frightened and I’m sure Hyo Jin heard as much in my voice when he called from Alaska, where he was fishing with his parents.

I was touched by the concern he expressed on the telephone but it had dissolved by the time he returned to East Garden. I was reading the Holy Bible in bed when he arrived at Cottage House. He knocked the Bible out of my hand. I put up my hands to protect myself from his blows. “Do you think the Bible is more important than True Parents?” he shouted. “Why weren’t you outside to greet them?” I tried to explain about the bleeding and the doctor’s orders but he was dismissive. If I was bleeding, then the baby was probably deformed, he yelled. It was better that I should miscarry than bring a damaged child into the True Family. I was appalled at his coldness. “Get up, you lazy bitch,” he shouted.

I tried to do as he asked but I was too weak. I stayed in bed and he stormed out of the house. I called my mother in Korea, who promised to have her prayer group pray for me and the baby. Days later, when the bleeding still had not stopped, I concluded that the baby must be dead. I packed a bag for my trip to the emergency room, anticipating that I would have to stay overnight after having a D and C. At the hospital my doctor performed an ultrasound. I was so resigned to an unhappy ending that I had to ask her to repeat herself when she said that the baby’s heartbeat was strong. The placenta had been bleeding, but it was beginning to heal.

That was the medical explanation, but I knew better. No baby could have survived the amount of blood I had lost. This was a miracle. When the doctor pointed out what else the ultrasound showed, I knew that this baby was a gift from God. I would bear a son. I told no one, not even my mother. When In Jin and Mrs. Moon asked later if I could tell the sex from the ultrasound, I said no. This was a secret between me and God. I felt that if I kept that secret, Satan would not try again to harm my baby.

The Moon household was ecstatic when I gave birth to Shin Gil on February 13, 1988. The Moons even softened temporarily toward my parents. Hyo Jin could not have been happier. A male heir strengthened his position as the rightful successor to his father. A son, the Reverend Moon hoped, would force Hyo Jin to accept his responsibilities to his family and to the Unification Church.

It was an idle hope. In April Hyo Jin made what was billed as a dramatic confession before a church gathering in the grand ballroom of the World Mission Center, the old New Yorker Hotel in New York City. It was Parents Day, a church holiday. “Many Blessed members blame Father for my wrongdoings. It is not Father’s fault; it is my fault,” Hyo Jin began. “It wasn’t easy for me to come to America. It was a spawning ground for my hate and misunderstanding. People tried to explain, but I never listened. I had a lot of anger in my heart. I hated almost everybody.”

He went on to detail his adolescent sexual encounters, his teenage drinking binges, his use of cocaine. But he led his audience to believe that these transgressions were all in his past. “I want to make sure none of these things happen to my brothers and sisters, to Blessed Children, to your children,” he said. What he didn’t say, of course, was that his drinking, his drug abuse, and his sexual promiscuity would continue unabated. “I want to do everything right from now on. That was the past and it comes and haunts me many times. I have told you everything, that I slept around, that I had many women. I have nothing more to tell you. Please forgive me.”

It was quite a performance before the membership. Hyo Jin was crying; his brothers and sisters were embracing him. I was merely a spectator at this sideshow. In his confession he had never even mentioned my name. He apologized to God, to True Parents, to church members, but he had nothing to say to his wife.

I was not surprised when this speech was followed by a resumption of his dissipated lifestyle. He began insisting that I accompany him to karaoke bars and nightclubs. I sometimes went just to avoid a fight, but I hated the atmosphere. Hyo Jin could sleep all day, but I had to rise early with the children. I had classes to attend. His drunkenness repulsed me. He would drink a half bottle of tequila and then leave a $150 tip for the waitress. I would sip my Coke and watch the clock.

I was not good company but I could drive home. Hyo Jin inevitably ran into trouble when he tried to drive himself. In 1989 the Moons had purchased an Audi for me to drive back and forth to college. One night Hyo Jin took the car into the city. I got a call near midnight that he’d had an accident and needed me to pick him up at Amsterdam Avenue and 146th Street. I could guess why he was in Harlem; that’s where he scored cocaine. He was not on the corner when I arrived so I drove around the area. I finally found him wandering several blocks away. He was drunk and incoherent. When I located the Audi, I was amazed that he had walked away uninjured. The car was a total loss.

With the insurance settlement, I leased a Ford Aerostar. It wasn’t long before Hyo Jin borrowed that car as well. At 4:00 one morning, I was awakened by a call from the New York City police. Hyo Jin had been arrested for driving while intoxicated. We were expected at a birthday celebration that morning for one of the Moon children. I sent my children with the baby-sitter and drove to the precinct house on 125th Street. In the next two hours, I reclaimed my car and arranged for a lawyer to represent Hyo Jin at his arraignment. I returned to East Garden to face True Mother, who scolded me for failing to attend the breakfast banquet. “Where were you? Where is Hyo Jin?” she demanded. This was his mess, not mine. I was tired of covering for him. “Hyo Jin is not here. When he comes home, I think you should ask him directly,” I said.

Hyo Jin returned to East Garden incensed that I had not gotten him released from jail sooner. He was furious to be told that Mother was waiting for him. He needn’t have been. The Moons took no action against their wayward son. The criminal justice system fined him, suspended his license, and ordered him to perform community service, but his parents did nothing to stem his drinking and driving.

The next time he asked me to accompany him to the bars, I refused. “I can’t go; I promised,” I told him. “Promised who?” he demanded. “Myself,” I said. He drove himself, without me and without his license.

170

Slowly I was learning to say no. More than any other factor, I think motherhood was responsible for my change in attitude. It was one thing to suffer the True Family’s abuse myself; it was another to subject my children to it. I gave birth to my third daughter, Shin Ok, in October 1989. I was twenty-three years old, with four children and a miscarriage behind me. I did not know how many more babies lay ahead.

I could defy Hyo Jin’s orders to accompany him to the bars, but I could not defy Mrs. Moon. In 1992 she told me I would accompany her on a ten-city tour of Japan. I was pregnant again, but I concealed my condition from my mother-in-law. My pregnancies were all that I had that were truly mine alone; I did not share them with the family of Sun Myung Moon until I had no choice.

The worshipful devotion accorded True Mother in Japan was beyond anything I had ever experienced in Korea. I had expected Mrs. Moon to be accommodated with the best hotel suites and the finest food, but what I saw in Japan was beyond pampering. Even her cutlery was kept separate, not to be used by anyone again, because it had touched True Mother’s lips. The slavish attention given to Mrs. Moon by the Japanese may have reflected their longing for True Father, who is banned from Japan because of his tax conviction in the United States.

Japan could fairly be said to be the site of the first imperial cult. In the nineteenth century, the Japanese emperor was declared a deity and the Japanese people descendants of ancient gods. State Shintoism, abolished by the Allies in 1945 after World War II, required the Japanese to worship their leaders. Obedience to authority and self-sacrifice were considered the greatest virtues.

It was no wonder, then, that Japan was fertile fund-raising ground for a messianic leader like Sun Myung Moon. Eager young Unification Church members found elderly people anxious to ensure that their loved ones came to a peaceful rest in the spirit world. To that end, they fleeced thousands of people out of millions of dollars for religious vases, prayer beads, and religious pictures to guarantee that their deceased family members entered the Kingdom of Heaven. A small jade pagoda could sell for as much as fifty-thousand dollars. Wealthy widows were conned into donating all of their assets to the Unification Church to guarantee that their loved ones would not languish in hell with Satan.

It was an extraordinary scene to witness. Church members waited on Mrs. Moon. Church leaders brought her stacks of money. At one juncture a member was styling my own hair when I noticed I had misplaced my watch. Within the hour a jeweler was in my hotel room with trays of expensive watches for me to choose from as a gift from our Japanese hosts. “Take several, take some for your family,” the jeweler insisted. I was relieved when I found my own watch and was able to politely decline their generosity.

Japan’s economy was booming. The country was fast becoming the source of most of Sun Myung Moon’s money. In the mid-1980s church officials claimed the Unification Church was pulling in four hundred million dollars a year through fundraising in Japan alone. The Reverend Moon used that money for his personal comfort and to invest in businesses in the United States and around the world. In addition, the church owned many profitable enterprises in Japan itself, including a trading company, a computer firm, and a jewelry concern.

Moon explained Japan’s crucial financial relationship to the Unification Church in theological terms. South Korea is “Adam’s country” and Japan is “Eve’s country.” As wife and mother, Japan must support the work of Father’s country, Sun Myung Moon’s Korea. There was more than a little vengeance in this view. Few Koreans, including Sun Myung Moon and his followers in the Unification Church, have ever forgiven the Japanese for their brutal forty-year occupation of Korea.

Members of the family of Sun Myung Moon were thoroughly scrutinized by customs agents whenever leaving Korea or entering the United States. This trip was no exception. One benefit of her enormous entourage was that Mrs. Moon had plenty of traveling companions with whom to enter the country. I was given twenty-thousand dollars in two packs of crisp new bills. I hid them beneath the tray in my makeup case. I held my breath in Seattle when customs agents began searching my luggage. I was the last of our party to go through customs, and the woman searching my bags seemed determined to find something. I pretended I did not speak English and could not understand her questions. An Asian supervisor came over and chastised her. “Can’t you see she only speaks Korean,” the supervisor said, smiling at me. “Let her through.”

I knew that smuggling was illegal, but I believed the followers of Sun Myung Moon answered to higher laws. It was my duty to serve without question. I did what I was told, worrying more that I might lose the money than that I might be arrested. I was so grateful to God that they didn’t find the money. In the distorted lens through which I viewed the world, God actually had thwarted the customs agents. God did not want them to find that money because that money was for God.

If I had thought about it with any critical sense, I would have realized that the money raised by street peddlers and pagoda sellers had little to do with God. Among other things, the money raised helped finance my husband’s adolescent fantasies of being a rock ’n’ roll star. With a group of church members, he had begun a recording career at Manhattan Center Studios, the church-owned facility next to the old New Yorker Hotel in Manhattan. The Reverend Moon bought the facility to promote a God-centered culture. The Metropolitan Opera, the New York Philharmonic, and Luciano Pavarotti recorded there. In 1987 Hyo Jin Moon began recording there, too. Rebirth was the name of the first album he cut, with second-generation Blessed Children Jin-Man Kwak, Jin-Hyo Kwak, Jin-Heung Eu, and Jin-Goon Kim.

Hyo Jin sold compact discs and tapes of his music to his only audience, the Unification Church, which included the Collegiate Association for the Research of Principles (CARP), which he served as the figurehead president. A campus student organization purportedly dedicated to world peace, CARP was just another recruitment arm and fund-raising tool of the Unification Church. Its most visible enterprise was the international Mr. and Miss University Pageant that CARP sponsored every year in different cities around the world.

Much of the money raised to do God’s work was squandered on Sun Myung Moon’s white elephant: the twenty-four-million-dollar personal residence and church conference center that he built on the grounds of East Garden. It took six years, and almost as many architects, to construct what might be the single ugliest building in Westchester County. We watched the building go through a dozen or more design changes and millions of dollars in cost overruns. What emerged was a stone and concrete monstrosity with a leaking roof.

The foyer and the bathrooms boasted imported Italian marble. The thick oak doors were carved with Korean flowers. There was a ballroom on the first floor and bedrooms for the Moons’ many small children on the second floor, down the hall from their parents’ lavish suite of private rooms. One of the two dining rooms had its own pond and waterfall. The kitchen was equipped with six pizza ovens. There was a third-floor game room and closets for Mrs. Moon’s clothes the size of a conventional bedroom. There was a dentist’s office and a turret that housed the office of Sun Myung Moon’s secretary, Peter Kim. The building was a monument to excess and nonsense. A bowling alley was located, not in the basement, but on the third floor, right above Sun Myung Moon’s bedroom. We used that room for storage. Hyo Jin, I, and the children moved into the mansion when True Parents moved into their new home.

At the end of 1992, Mrs. Moon told me I was to accompany her abroad again, this time on a European tour. I was battling exhaustion from my now advanced pregnancy and knew I would not be up to the demands of travel and waiting on True Mother. She and Hyo Jin were incensed when I declined to join her. What happened next, I know they saw as God’s punishment for my defiance.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound in January 1993. I knew from his vigorous kicks that the baby was strong. I smiled at the flailing legs and arms on the ultrasound monitor. “Looks good,” the doctor said as he ran the probe across my distended belly. Soon, however, the doctor’s smile faded. “We have a problem,” he said softly. His face was so troubled I knew I did not want to know the answer to the question I had to ask. “What’s wrong?” A few seconds seemed like hours before he said, “This fetus does not have a brain.” “What? How can the baby be kicking if it has no brain?” The kicks were only a reflex. The baby had no chance for survival outside the womb.

I cried so hard that the doctor led me out through a rear door. I’m sure I would have made a terrifying picture for the other pregnant women in the waiting room. I sat in my car for a long time before I was composed enough to drive home. When I came home, Hyo Jin was locked in the master suite. I knew what that meant. He was sniffing cocaine. I called my mom. I couldn’t be specific. All I could say was: “There’s something terribly wrong with the baby,” whose kicks I could still feel in my womb.

My doctor and I agreed that it would be awful for my children if I gave birth to a baby we knew would not live. I got a second ultrasound from another doctor just to be sure that there was no mistake. I drove myself to the hospital where the abortion was to be performed. Hyo Jin did not want to come. The pain, and the terrible sense of loss, were more than I anticipated. I had to call and ask him to pick me up. He seemed annoyed at my tears during the silent drive home. I moved into Shin June’s room. I was lonely and angry. Why had this happened? Had Hyo Jin’s drug abuse caused this? Was God punishing me for failing to bring Hyo Jin back to him?

Mrs. Moon was upset because I had not shown up to serve them at table. I begged Hyo Jin not to tell his parents the details of our loss. It was personal. “Can’t you just tell them I had a miscarriage?” I pleaded. In Jin had just had her fourth baby, and it was like a knife in my heart to hear her newborn crying in the house we shared. “You want me to lie to True Parents?” Hyo Jin asked indignantly. I only wanted some privacy, but I should have known that was too much to expect in the Moon compound. He told True Mother everything.

My secrecy enraged Mrs. Moon. It confirmed my untrustworthiness. I was duplicitous, a tool of my parents, who were trying to undermine the work of True Parents. The drumbeat of criticism against me and my parents became incessant. At Sunday-morning services, I would be vilified as the daughter of tools of Satan. I did not mind so much for myself but I hated for my children to have to listen to such ugly lies about their grandparents.

My mother and father were decent people who had devoted their lives, and the lives of their children, to Sun Myung Moon. The reward for their misguided self-sacrifice was public scorn. In 1993 my father suffered a stroke and was removed by the Moons from his position as president of the Unification Church in Europe. He went home to Korea, where he was ostracized by the religious movement that he and my mother had helped build.

Hyo Jin was emboldened by Father’s attacks on my parents. In response he stepped up his attacks on me. By 1993 Hyo Jin’s use of cocaine was constant. He locked himself in our master bedroom suite for days on end, forcing me to keep extra clothes in my children’s closets and to share their bedrooms.

One evening, after he had spent the entire week snorting cocaine and watching pornographic videos, he summoned me to his room but I refused to go. He came downstairs, screaming and yelling obscenities, into a room we used for church-related classes. He flipped the coffee table over onto its side and forced me into a corner of the room, pushing me up against the wall, his face only inches from my own.

I ran for the telephone to dial 911. “I’m calling the police,” I warned, but he just slapped the phone out of my hand. “How dare you try to call the police on me?” he shouted. “They have no authority here. Do you think I’m afraid of the police? Me? The son of the Messiah?”

I did not know what he would do next, so I began shouting for help as loud as I could. The door to the classroom was wide open. I knew the security guards, the kitchen sisters, the baby-sitters, could all hear me. No one came. Who would have the nerve to stand up to Hyo Jin Moon? Who would protect me from the Messiah’s son? He laughed at the futility of my screams and left the classroom in disgust. I called my brother Jin and told him I was going to the police.

I stumbled into the foyer in tears. There, huddled together on the staircase, were three of my four children. They were sobbing. “Don’t leave, Mommy,” they cried, as I headed for the front door. “I’ll be right back. Don’t worry,” I whispered as I dried their tears.

I drove straight to the Irvington Police Department. Once I pulled into the parking lot, though, I didn’t know what to do or why I had really come. I was still shaking, with fear and with rage. I sat there for a long time, praying for God to guide me. I had spent the last eleven years hiding my feelings, concealing the facts of my life from the outside world. What was I doing parked outside a police station? I was crying when the police officer looked up from the front desk. “I think I need some help,” I said. He took me into a private back room and listened quietly while I told him what had happened. He recognized the street address. He knew the family name. I could tell he was not surprised.

Did I have any place to go? he wanted to know. Did I have any family? I had only my brother Jin, who was a student at Harvard. I did not want to involve Jin and Je Jin in this. She had her own problems with her parents; I did not want to drag her into mine.

The policeman was patient and kind. He described my options: I could file assault charges against Hyo Jin; I could take my children to a shelter for victims of domestic violence. I thanked him but I knew in my heart that I could do no such thing. I was able only to file a report with the police. I did not lack the desire to flee; I lacked the courage. I was terrified to go back to East Garden, but sitting there in the Irvington police station, I was more certain than ever that I had nowhere to run.

Chapter 9    

page 179

By 1994 my only ambition was to see my children grown so that I could leave my husband. I knew that Sun Myung Moon would never permit me to divorce Hyo Jin, but I fantasized that one day we could at least live apart. I dreamed of a time when I could live alone quietly in a small apartment, somewhere far from East Garden. The children would bring my grandchildren to visit me. I would be at peace.

It was a pathetic goal for a twenty-eight-year-old woman. I had just earned my undergraduate degree from Barnard College in art history, but I was writing off the next twenty-five years of my life. My passion for art, my vague thoughts of museum or gallery work, faded away, as dreamlike as the Impressionist paintings I favored.

In March I learned that I was pregnant again, and the joy I usually felt at the prospect of a new baby was this time mixed with dread. Each new birth would extend the length of my imprisonment.

It was a mystery to me how such precious lives could spring from such a poisonous union. It was my children who made me whole. With them I felt light and carefree. Their routines provided us with the only semblance of a normal life. I drove them to music and language lessons in a Dodge minivan just like other suburban moms; I helped them with their homework; I snuggled up with them at bedtime to read stories and to hear their daily concerns.

Too often, their worries were about their father. Nothing that went on in East Garden escaped the notice of our older son and daughters. Hyo Jin’s drunken rages, his cocaine stupors, his volatile temper, were impossible for them to overlook. They were awakened in the middle of the night by the sound of us fighting. They questioned why their father slept all day. “Why do we have a bad dad?” the older ones would ask. “Why did you marry him?”

I was grateful that Hyo Jin stayed away as much as he did, working at Manhattan Center Studios and sleeping at our suite in the old New Yorker Hotel. It reduced the tension in the mansion, which we now shared with In Jin and her family. The children and I managed some happy, even silly, hours together. One spring I had taught myself to ride a bicycle in the mansion driveway, to the great amusement of my more competent children.

Manhattan Center, which was originally built in 1906 as the Manhattan Opera House by Oscar Hammerstein, had become the focus of Hyo Jin’s life. The Unification Church had purchased the property, along with the New Yorker Hotel next door, in the 1970s. Manhattan Center was little more than a practice hall when Hyo Jin had taken charge of the production studios and the business operation in 1985. I was surprised that Sun Myung Moon had entrusted such a major enterprise to a son who had neither the education nor the experience — to say nothing of the discipline — to act as a chief executive officer. I should not have been. All over the world, when the Unification Church acquires new businesses, those enterprises serve as employment opportunities for the family of Sun Myung Moon.

For the first time in our marriage, for the first time in his life, Hyo Jin Moon at age twenty-six had a job. He supervised the production of videos for the church and he continued to record with his band of church members. I was no fan of rock music, but it was certainly true that Hyo Jin was a talented guitarist with a beautiful voice. He loved his music; it was the one unspoiled pleasure he had in life.

His employees at Manhattan Center were all members of the Unification Church, even though Manhattan Center Studios claims to be an independent corporation with no overt connection to the church. His employees accorded Hyo Jin the respect and loyalty due the son of the Messiah. With him they turned Manhattan Center into a sophisticated multimedia studio, with professionally run audio, video, and graphics departments. Hyo Jin’s elevated spiritual standing made for strained work relations, however. Imagine answering to a boss you could not question, who interpreted any hesitation to carry out his orders as a sign of betrayal. It was a recipe for disaster.

Money flowed in and out of Manhattan Center in what could generously be described as a liberal and informal fashion. Some weeks employees did not get paid because Hyo Jin had earmarked the thousands of dollars sitting in the safe for the purchase of new equipment. Most lived rent-free in the New Yorker Hotel next door. When Manhattan Center’s conventional sources of revenue — studio bookings and ballroom events — fell short, Hyo Jin would tap a church organization, such as CARP, to pay for a new video camera or the electricity bill. Personal “donations” to Hyo Jin financed the building of new studios and recording facilities. Church funds, channeled to Manhattan Center from True Mother, were recorded on the books as “TM.”

Manhattan Center became the fuel that powered Hyo Jin’s moral collapse. It was a source of ready cash to finance his cocaine habit, his growing arsenal of guns, and his nightly drinking binges. Manhattan Center provided Hyo Jin, who hated to drink alone, with a stable supply of drinking companions, all of whom had no choice but to attend to this True Child.

Most members of the Unification Church get no closer to the True Family than the distance between the stage and their seats at some rally. For the staff of Manhattan Center, the opportunity to work directly with Hyo Jin Moon was a matter of great pride. It soon became a source of spiritual conflict for many of them, however. He would order his inner circle to accompany him to Korean bars in Queens, where he cavorted openly with “hostesses” and drank himself senseless. He pressured people to take cocaine, people who had been drawn to the Unification Church because of its prohibitions against the very acts of self-destruction in which Hyo Jin was engaged.

As his cocaine abuse escalated, so did his belligerent behavior toward his staff and his family. His verbal abuse of me had grown from obscenity-laden insults to threats of physical harm. He would open the gun case he kept in our bedroom and stroke one of his high-powered rifles. “Do you know what I could do to you with this?” he would ask. He kept a machine gun, a gift from True Parents, under our bed. At Manhattan Center, those who displeased him became accustomed to hearing graphic descriptions of the violence that would come to them if they betrayed Hyo Jin Moon. An accomplished hunter, he once detailed for a gathering of his inner circle exactly how he would like to skin and gut a member of his staff who had recently left Manhattan Center.

It is difficult for anyone outside the Unification Church to understand the bind those close to Hyo Jin at Manhattan Center found themselves in. On the one hand, their leader was engaging in activities that were inimical to their beliefs. On the other hand, he was the son of the Messiah. Perhaps he had some special dispensation to act as he did. If they did not obey and join him in proscribed behavior, were they substituting their own inferior judgment for that of a True Child? Should they be honest with the Messiah or loyal to the son of the Messiah? Would they be protecting Hyo Jin Moon by exposing him or by shielding him?

Even if one or more of them had had the independence of mind to question Hyo Jin’s actions, unlikely given the authoritarian nature of the church, who would they have told? One doesn’t just call up East Garden and ask to speak to Sun Myung Moon. Even if a member tried to make an appointment to see Mrs. Moon, that information would soon be public knowledge. Hyo Jin would not have been pleased to discover that one of his trusted advisers had gone to True Parents to inform them that their son was an alcohol-abusing, drug-addicted womanizer.

On the contrary, the inner circle had enough experience with Hyo Jin’s unpredictable temper to go to any lengths to appease him. He terrorized his workers, reminding them whenever they displeased him that he was “a mean son of a bitch,” one of his favorite self-descriptions.

No one was learning that better than I. In September Hyo Jin beat me severely after I found him taking cocaine with a family member in our bedroom at 3:00 a.m. I could not contain my anger. “Is this how you want our family to live?” I asked him. “Is this the father you want to be to our children?” I told him I could not live like this anymore. I tried to flush the cocaine down the toilet, spilling some on the bathroom floor in the process. He pushed me to the floor and made me sweep up what white powder I could retrieve. He smashed his fist into my face, bloodying my nose. He wiped my blood on his hand and then licked it off. “Tastes good.” He laughed. “This is fun.”

I was seven months pregnant at the time. While he punched me, I used my hands to shield my tummy. “I’ll kill this baby,” Hyo Jin screamed and I could see he meant it.

The next morning my tearful children gave me ice for my blackened eye and hugs for my battered spirit. I can’t say Hyo Jin hadn’t warned me. How often had he told me that there was a deep well of violence inside him? “If you push me too far, I won’t be able to stop myself,” he would say. I knew now that he was not exaggerating.

Hyo Jin felt no regret for the beating he had administered. He told his inner circle at Manhattan Center later that he smacked me because I had been “bugging” him and that I reminded him of a teacher he had once had at school, who always tried to humiliate him in front of the class. I was a pious scold, he said, a self-righteous bitch.

As strong as his contempt was for me, it did not approximate his hatred of his Father. He loathed and loved Sun Myung Moon in equal measure. He mocked him in front of me and in front of his associates at Manhattan Center as a senile old fool who should know his time to leave; he denounced him as an uncaring father who had never had time for his children. He blamed his father for the taunts of “Moonie” hurled at him by his American classmates when he was a boy. He resented the burden of being the heir apparent to the Unification Church, but he chafed even more at his own inability to live up to his father’s expectations. He kept a gun at Manhattan Center, whose security chief often purchased weapons for him. When he was high, Hyo Jin would wave the gun around wildly and threaten to shoot his father if Sun Myung Moon ever tried to interfere with his control of Manhattan Center.

That control was absolute. He used Manhattan Center money as if it were his own and had his own paycheck deposited into a joint account with Rob Schwartz, his financial adviser at the company. Manhattan Center was there to serve his every whim. In 1989 and again in 1992, he had instructed Schwartz to buy a new Mercedes for Father with company funds. On another occasion he purchased an eighteen-foot fishing boat and trailer for the use of the extended Moon family. What those cars and that boat, all of which were kept at the compound in Irvington, had to do with the business of Manhattan Center was anyone’s guess.

The casualness with which Hyo Jin mingled his personal funds and church money and business accounts would have intrigued the Internal Revenue Service. In 1994 he ordered Rob Schwartz to give one of his younger sisters thirty-thousand dollars. There was internal debate at Manhattan Center about how best to disguise this transfer of funds. In the end, proceeds from the Mr. and Miss University Pageant held at Manhattan Center were kept off the books and thirty-thousand dollars was handed to Hyo Jin to give to his sister. The year before, a group of Japanese members of the Unification Church was touring the United States. On a visit to Manhattan Center, they made a personal “donation” to Hyo Jin of four hundred thousand dollars in cash. He kept some of the money and used the rest for pet projects at Manhattan Center. He never reported the gift on his tax return or paid a dime of taxes on the money.

In February 1994 Hyo Jin carried a Bloomingdale’s shopping bag into Manhattan Center containing six hundred thousand dollars in cash. I had helped him count out the money earlier in the day in our bedroom. He gathered his inner circle of advisers in his office, and while their jaws dropped open, Hyo Jin asked if they had ever seen so much money. What he didn’t tell them was that he had skimmed off four hundred thousand dollars for himself of the one million dollars Father had given him to finance Manhattan Center projects. Hyo Jin stashed the money in a shoebox in our bedroom closet. By November he had spent it all, mostly on drugs.

It is probable that Sun Myung Moon did not know until November of 1994 the extent to which Hyo Jin had turned Manhattan Center into his personal petty cash drawer and the family suite on the thirtieth floor of the New Yorker into his private drug den. He did not know because he did not want to know. The Reverend and Mrs. Moon had set the tone for their parental relationship with Hyo Jin back when he was a boy, expelled from school for shooting at classmates with a BB gun. On that occasion, and in every troubling incident since, they had not forced their son to accept responsibility for his actions. He grew up believing that there were no consequences for his misdeeds, and his parents, and the church hierarchy, did nothing to disabuse him of that notion.

That fall, for instance, Hyo Jin had been a guest speaker in a course called Life of Faith at the Unification Theological Seminary in Barrytown, New York, where he was enrolled as a part-time student. Another student asked Hyo Jin a general question about his remarks and Hyo Jin took offense. Without a word he walked over to where the student was seated and began punching him. The student remained seated and did not strike back.

Hyo Jin received two letters from Jennifer Tanabe, the academic dean, after the incident. One was a joint letter of reprimand to Hyo Jin and the student he assaulted, Jim Kovic; the other was a personal note to Hyo Jin advising him to disregard the official letter. “Please understand that my intention in addressing this letter to you, as well, is not to accuse you but to protect you against any possible accusation. I will do my very best to support you. This is my determination before God,” she wrote, incredibly ending her note with an apology to a man who had beaten up a student in one of her classrooms. “I am sorry to bring such bad memories of your experience at UTS. I hope that in the future you will find UTS to be somewhere that can bring you joy and inspiration.”

By November Hyo Jin was about to run out of excuses and defenders. The month began with the birth of our second son and fifth child, Shin Hoon. Hyo Jin was out at the bars when I went into labor, so I drove myself to the hospital with the baby-sitter in the passenger seat. I wanted her to learn the way so that she could bring the other children to visit me and their new brother. Before we left I put the children to bed. I told them I was going to the hospital to have the baby and that they should go to school the next day without telling anyone where I was. My desire for privacy in the suffocating world of the Moon family had become paramount. I called my brother Jin in Massachusetts to let him know I was on my way to Phelps Hospital and to ask him to call our parents in Korea.

I didn’t care that Hyo Jin was not with me. This was my baby, mine and my children’s. He had nothing to do with us as a family. If he preferred the company of barmaids, why should he be there for the birth of my son? At 4:00 a.m., when I was told I needed a cesarean section, my doctor insisted I call my husband. He was asleep. He assumed I was in one of the children’s rooms down the hall. He urged me to come and service him sexually. He was startled to hear that I was about to be wheeled into the operating room. He was too tired to come, he said. “What hospital is it anyway?” he asked. This was our fifth child and he did not know where they were all born? I was enraged. I did not answer. Hyo Jin began yelling. I hung up, but after I calmed down, I called back. “Forget it,” he said coldly. “I’m not coming. You can bring the baby to me.”

I saw my first glimpse of “Hoonie” through my tears. A nurse kept wiping my eyes as the doctor lifted this big boy, almost nine pounds, from my womb. He had a full head of black hair. The umbilical cord had been wrapped around his arm, complicating a natural delivery. His eyes were half closed but he had a healthy wail.

Hyo Jin did not come to see him for two days. His pride and his indifference kept him away. I was as stubborn as Hyo Jin, but I called to ask him to see his son. He stayed for only a few minutes with me and viewed Shin Hoon through the nursery window. He never asked to hold him. That night the babysitter brought my children. I was so happy to see them. They all posed for pictures with their new baby brother and begged me to come home soon.

I came home the next day, though the doctors wanted to keep me longer because of the surgery. I did not want anyone in the Moon compound to know I had had a cesarean section. It was such an anomaly to be in possession of information the Moons did not have; I wanted my surgery to be my secret. Hyo Jin came with the children and the baby-sitter in two cars to pick us up at the hospital. When it took longer than he had patience for to adjust the infant seat, he took off with Shin Gil for home, leaving me to ride with the baby-sitter. That night Hyo Jin announced he was going to New York. What I did not learn until later was that my husband had chosen the very day I brought our baby home from the hospital to take a lover. He slept with Annie, an employee at Manhattan Center, in our bed in our suite in the old New Yorker Hotel.

I knew Annie from the dozens of letters she had written to Hyo Jin since she first saw him at a church martial arts demonstration in Colorado several years before. Her letters read more like fan mail than anything else. Hyo Jin often got similar letters from young people in the church, men and women, who looked up to him as the son of the Messiah. I never took Annie’s infatuation with Hyo Jin seriously. An American herself, she was married to a Korean member and they had a young son. Annie had come to New York that year to work for Hyo Jin at Manhattan Center after appealing to him to bring her and her husband back from Japan, where they were stationed for the church.

Hyo Jin talked about her often, but I did not suspect the nature of their relationship initially. Maybe I did not want to see what was becoming more and more obvious to everyone else around them. I worried more about his dependence on cocaine. He was closeted in his room all the time that he was not at Manhattan Center. As it turned out, I was not alone in my concern.

Twenty-one days after the birth of a child, we hold a prayer service in the Unification Church to give thanks to God for the health of our baby. I held an informal service with my children. Hyo Jin had been out drinking all night and had not returned. His sister Un Jin came by that afternoon to see the baby. We had not been close for years, but I would never forget the kindnesses she showed me when I first came to East Garden.

She confided that she was worried about Hyo Jin. He had lost a lot of weight. He wasn’t eating. Did I think his problems with booze and drugs had gotten worse? Did I think True Parents should send him to rehab? I told her what I saw of his deteriorating lifestyle, but I expressed skepticism that he would voluntarily confront his addictions.

The very next day, Hyo Jin threw a Thanksgiving party at Manhattan Center for the staff. He served wine. Only his inner circle really knew about Hyo Jin’s drinking and cocaine use. The rest of the staff were shocked to see alcohol at a church function. When the Reverend Moon found out, he ordered the staff at Manhattan Center to meet with him, without Hyo Jin. He reminded them that Sun Myung Moon was the leader of the Unification Church; they were to support Hyo Jin by keeping him away from dangerous situations.

I called Hyo Jin’s assistant, Madelene Pretorius, to find out how the meeting went. We did not know one another well. We had met only once, when she came to videotape the children at a school play. She told me what Father had said and admitted that they had not told the Reverend Moon or me the whole truth. He had asked them if they smoked or drank with Hyo Jin and no one had admitted it. The truth was, she said, that they smoked and drank with him all the time in bars and in our suite at the old New Yorker Hotel.

I was horrified. What he did to himself was bad enough, but to drag other church members into the sewer with him was unforgivable. That he used our apartment to engage in this behavior enraged me. This was the beginning of the end of my marriage, though I didn’t know it then. Something in me was about to snap. I had accepted that it was my fate, my divine mission, to live a life of misery with this evil man. But I could not accept that the members of a church I still believed in were condemned to be led into sin by Hyo Jin’s abuse of power.

I called him at Manhattan Center. I was much braver on the telephone than I would have been in person, where he might have beaten me. I told him on the telephone that I thought he was an animal, that the children and I did not want him to come home.

It was a shortsighted reaction on my part, because, of course, he did come home, and when he got there he came looking for me. In my fury, I had already cleaned out his closets, packed his bags, cut his pornographic videos into shreds, and stacked it all in the storage room down the hall. I heard the front door slam. He ran up the stairs, grabbed me by my shirt collar, and dragged me into his room. He pushed me roughly into a chair, shoving me back down whenever I attempted to stand. “How dare you try to embarrass me in front of people at M.C.?” he screamed. “Who are you to tell me what to do?” He stood over me, slapping me and pushing me the whole time. I had no avenue of escape.

I was saved only because he was late for a meeting with his probation officer. He was still on probation for drunken driving. He tried to call and cancel the appointment, pleading a family emergency, but his probation officer insisted he come. He had missed too many appointments. “When I get back, I want a family meeting,” he told me. “You are going to tell the children that you were wrong to criticize Dad, that Dad is free to smoke and drink beer, that you are a bad mother. Do you understand?” I said that I did. I would have said anything to get him to leave.

No sooner had he gone than I got a telephone call from Mrs. Moon’s maid. “Father wants to see you right away,” she said. I thought I was about to be lectured again for failing to help my husband find a righteous path. I had had enough; it was time for me to take the initiative. The rising level of abuse had emboldened me somehow. I had not consciously decided that I was not going to take his beatings anymore, but that night, in the Moons’ study, I stood up for myself for the first time.

“Father wants to speak with you,” Mrs. Moon said as I entered their suite. “Could I please talk with you both?” I asked. “There is something I need to tell you.”

The Reverend and Mrs. Moon listened in silence as I described the scene that had just transpired. “It is not just me and the people at M.C. who are being affected,” I said. “Hyo Jin wants me to tell the children that his use of alcohol and drugs is O.K.” That was enough to spark a reaction in Father. “No. No,” he said, “you have to teach the children right from wrong.” I kept looking at my watch. I told True Parents I needed to get back before Hyo Jin did from his meeting with his probation officer.

The Reverend Moon was quiet for a few minutes: “I am going to send you to M.C. to keep an eye on him. You are to be his shadow. I will put you in charge. You can make sure he does not use money for drugs and drinking.”

I was surprised, but I knew that his use of me as his eyes and ears at Manhattan Center had less to do with his faith in my ability than with his certainty of my loyalty. The staff at Manhattan Center owed an allegiance to Hyo Jin; I followed True Father. He was right in the short run. In the long run, as we were all to discover, I realized that my ultimate loyalty was to God, my children, and myself.

When I returned to the mansion, Hyo Jin had not yet returned. I called our oldest child to my room. “Dad wants a family meeting,” I told her. “I’m going to have to say some things I don’t believe, because otherwise your dad will get very angry.” She was appalled that I would even consider saying what he demanded. “You are not a bad mom. You are a good mom. You can’t say what he does is O.K. when you know that it isn’t.” I could see that she was disappointed in my willingness to compromise the truth. I was ashamed in front of my twelve-year-old daughter, whose sense of justice was finely honed at a young age. I was selfish. I wanted to avoid more violence, more screaming. When he returned and asked me to tell the children I had been unfair to Dad, I did it. My daughter’s eyes filled with tears, but she was not sad. She was angry. “That’s a lie,” she yelled at her father. “Mom is good. She is with us all the time. You are never here. What do you know?” Hyo Jin turned his fury on her, denouncing American schools for breeding disrespectful children.

I felt like a coward witnessing my little girl’s courage. When Hyo Jin calmed down, he told her he had to spend time away from the family to pursue his mission for the church. I could not help but think of the irony: this was the excuse he had so despised when it came from his own father.

I was surprised that, despite his angry protests, Hyo Jin accepted my new role at Manhattan Center. He did not suspect why Father had placed me there, and since he had so little respect for me, he probably thought my presence would be no threat to him. He soon learned otherwise. As one of my first directives, I set up a meeting between Hyo Jin’s inner circle and Sun Myung Moon at East Garden. The Reverend Moon told them as explicitly as he could that they were not to take drugs with Hyo Jin or to drink with him. They were to give their allegiance to Father, and at Manhattan Center they were to follow my directions, not Hyo Jin’s.

As angry as I was at Hyo Jin, I was still susceptible to his accusation that it was my lack of understanding and support as a wife that led him to drink and abuse drugs.

If I was responsible in some way, I had to try one more time, with all my heart, to make things right, if not for us then for God. I spent all of my free time in December in Hyo Jin’s company. I went with him everywhere. I sat with him at home while he snorted cocaine.

The drug loosened his tongue and I listened for hours to his stream-of-consciousness pronouncements about God and Satan and Sun Myung Moon. The more I heard, the more convinced I became that Hyo Jin had no real sense of right and wrong. It was sad to hear him devise pathetic excuses, to tailor his morality to suit his circumstances.

His drug-induced monologues invariably portrayed him as the victim of his parents’ neglect, of his wife’s harsh judgment, of the church’s unrealistic expectations. I listened for any hint that my husband was capable of taking some responsibility for the bad choices he had made and was continuing to make.

I heard nothing of the kind. All of Hyo Jin Moon’s problems were the fault of others. As long as that was his attitude, how could he ever really serve God? How could he ever really be a good father to our children?

At Manhattan Center I set about trying to get the company’s financial and spiritual house in order. I instructed Hyo Jin’s assistant, Madelene Pretorius, that there were to be no more “petty cash” payments of hundreds of dollars at a time to Hyo Jin. Staff members who were paid huge salaries for little work were to be reassigned. All major decisions would have to be approved by me.

I had another mission at Manhattan Center as well. I was determined to find out whether Hyo Jin and Annie were lovers. Madelene suspected they were. Even my brother-in-law Jin Sung Pak had hinted there was something going on between them. I asked Hyo Jin directly many times, prompting the denials I expected but did not believe. After I began working at Manhattan Center, he taunted me about their ambiguous relationship. “Why do you worry about Annie?” he would ask, as if he were baiting me.

At the end of December, I decided I would hammer away at this topic until he confessed. It took hours of gentle coaxing for the truth to emerge. “No, I did not touch her,” he insisted at first. “Well, maybe I kissed her,” he conceded. “Maybe we had oral sex.” His rationalizations got more strained the more impropriety he was willing to admit. “I did penetrate her, but I didn’t ejaculate so it doesn’t count,” he said, before finally confessing: “I did ejaculate, but it doesn’t matter because she is on the pill,” I wondered if this guy even knew how pathetic he sounded.

I was very calm as he described his betrayal of our family. I had known in my heart all along; his confession was just confirmation. He began to cry and beg my forgiveness. I told him I would try to forgive but that I would not sleep with him until he had paid for his sin. “Why Annie?” I asked impulsively. “She’s not even that pretty.” It was as if I had held a match to gasoline. He exploded in rage: “She’s beautiful!” he yelled. “She’s not the only one. All the women in the church want me. I’ll fuck the prettiest girl I can find. I’ll show you.”

I was numb. This was the man who claimed to be the son of the Messiah, a man who had stood up at a church service a few years before and preached about the sacredness of the Blessing. “How can you connect to the Messiah if you are indulging and wallowing in the sensuality of the fallen world? You can’t. That’s why the idea of sacrifice has been promoted and endorsed,” he had told a Sunday-morning gathering at Belvedere.

“If Father told you to go out of this room and go to bars, get loaded and go to the streets where prostitutes walk and dwell among them, are you strong enough, do you love Father enough to overcome the kind of temptation that you might or might not expect there? Could you keep your purity and integrity? Could you truly do that? Living in that environment for the sake of changing the people is a good reason for living there. But do you know Father enough to overcome the temptation of touching a woman, of looking at beautiful women, or being intoxicated where your ability to make a sensible decision becomes weaker and weaker? Under that circumstance can you hold on to Father? Are you strong enough not to abandon Father regardless of the circumstances?”

I knew now that Hyo Jin Moon was addressing those questions not to the members but to himself and the answer, sadly, was no. Continuing the pattern that had defined his life, Hyo Jin refused to take responsibility for his adultery, the single worst sin in the Unification Church. He told me, as I later learned he had told Annie and his inner circle, that the church’s sexual prohibitions did not apply to him. Father had been unfaithful; as the son of the Messiah, he could be, too. His sexual liaisons were “providential,” or ordained by God.

“I trusted Hyo Jin who said ‘I know what I’m allowed to do.’ He never even gave me a hint that I would be falling with him,” Annie would write me later. “Madelene told me some story about Father having a relationship outside of Mother and a son being born. This was later confirmed to me by Hyo Jin and Jin Sung Nim. We discussed if it could be true and what it meant. I never questioned Father’s purity or his course. But I certainly began to feel that there must be a lot going on providentially within the True Family that I can’t understand or judge.”

I went directly to Mrs. Moon with Hyo Jin’s claims. She was both furious and tearful. She had hoped that such pain would end with her, that it would not be passed on to the next generation, she told me. No one knows the pain of a straying husband like True Mother, she assured me. I was stunned. We had all heard rumors for years about Sun Myung Moon’s affairs and the children he sired out of wedlock, but here was True Mother confirming the truth of those stories.

I told her that Hyo Jin said his sleeping around was “providential,” and inspired by God, just as Father’s affairs were. “No. Father is the Messiah, not Hyo Jin. What Father did was in God’s plan.” His infidelity was part of her course to suffer to become the True Mother. “There is no excuse for Hyo Jin to do this,” she said.

Mrs. Moon told Father what Hyo Jin was claiming and the Reverend Moon summoned me to his room. What happened in his past was “providential,” Father reiterated. It has nothing to do with Hyo Jin. I was embarrassed to be hearing this admission from him directly. I was also confused. If Hak Ja Han Moon was the True Mother, if he had found the perfect partner on earth, how could be justify his infidelity theologically?

I did not ask, of course, but I left that room with a new understanding of the relationship between the Reverend and Mrs. Moon. It was no wonder she wielded so much influence; he was indebted to her for not exposing him all these years. She had made her peace with his faithlessness and betrayal. Perhaps all the money, the world travel, the public adulation, were compensation enough for her.

They would not be enough for me. For once Hyo Jin Moon was going to see that every action brings a reaction, that for every misdeed there is a consequence to be faced. I received the Reverend and Mrs. Moon’s permission to send Annie away. But first I gave her the chance to tell the truth. I wanted her to admit what she had done to me, to her husband, and to God. She vowed in the name of True Parents that she and Hyo Jin had done nothing wrong.

After I had banished her from Manhattan Center, she wrote to me from her parents’ home in Maine. Her husband had taken their son and returned to Japan. He wanted a divorce. “Now, I can taste your pain, your anguish and your tears…,” she wrote, suddenly contrite and begging my forgiveness. She wrote several more times, describing her sex life with my husband in more detail than I needed to read, claiming to accept responsibility for what she had done. There is no Feast of the Epiphany on the Unification Church calendar, but I had my own epiphany one day in January of 1995. The seeds of my emancipation had been sown that fall when Hyo Jin had his blatant affair and flaunted his drug use in front of church members. On a cold mid-January day I had one of those moments of revelation that I had only read about. Hyo Jin was dressing to go out to the bars for the evening. The events of the last few months had done nothing to alter his habits. I watched from a chair in the master bedroom as he stared at his reflection in the full-length mirror. He had always been very vain. But as he tucked in his shirt and fussed with his hair, I felt a detachment I had never experienced in my marriage. Even my revulsion was gone.

There was no voice from on high, there was no blinding light from above. I just knew: God no longer expected me to stay. My husband would never change. God himself had given up on Hyo Jin Moon. I was free to go. I was overwhelmed with a spirit of well-being. For Hyo Jin I felt only pity. He was a lost soul who had no conception of right and wrong and no real understanding of God.

It is a long road from resolution to action for a battered woman and one that few of us are able to walk alone. I was lucky I did not have to. Madelene Pretorius hardly knew me. She had worked for Hyo Jin for three years. She was an unlikely ally. That winter she spent her days listening to Hyo Jin complain about me in the office and her nights listening to me complain about him on the telephone. She was torn between her loyalty to the divine son of the Messiah and her recognition of the very human, abusive man we both knew. Hadn’t Hyo Jin once thrown an ashtray at her head in a barroom? Hadn’t he doused her with water when a bottle he threw at her crashed on the wall above her chair?

She was the first person outside my family I had ever been able to talk to about my feelings. Even with my family, I hid more than I revealed about my life. I did not want to hurt them by letting them know the extent of the abuse my children and I were enduring. Madelene listened with a patience and concern I had never known. I had never had a real friend. I don’t pretend that in those early months I was a friend to her. But she was to me. It would be a long time before I stopped acting like an officious member of the True Family and she stopped acting like a subservient member of the Unification Church. But even at the beginning, I saw a glimpse of what an honest relationship between equals could really be like.

At the time, Madelene was going through a personal crisis of her own. She had been matched and married through the church to an Australian man. She cared for him but did not want to follow him when he decided to return to his homeland. She struggled with her decision. Divorce is a creation of man; the Blessing is eternal. Unificationists believe that you remain mated even after death, in Heaven. It was revealing that Hyo Jin encouraged her to divorce; his self-interest in keeping her working at Manhattan Center was stronger than his commitment to a central tenet of his faith.

I wish I could say I helped her through her ordeal, but I was too wrapped up in my own problems, too inexperienced at friendship to really understand its reciprocal nature. It is a measure of the kindness Madelene showed to me that she was willing to help me without any expectation that I could help her in return. Madelene went home to South Africa for a month to make some decisions about her own life. When she returned in late February, she told me that she was getting a divorce and I told her I was leaving Hyo Jin.

Once I had made up my mind to go, I knew it was just a matter of time, but I was surprised to hear myself say the words out loud. Madelene and I talked in the laundry room in the basement of the mansion at East Garden so that Hyo Jin would not see us. He was so possessive and controlling that he erupted whenever he thought I was forming an attachment to anyone outside the True Family.

I began to cry as we talked. I said I hoped we could stay in touch after I left, though I knew that might be difficult for her. Madelene was saddened, but not surprised, by my news. She said that a part of her wanted to tell Hyo Jin, to try to shake him into seeing what he was about to lose. She would not do that, she said, because it would only have provoked him to beat me again or to issue one more false promise to change. We both knew my marriage was beyond saving. I had been seduced so many times into believing that God would touch Hyo Jin’s heart or that Sun Myung Moon would exercise some moral leadership in his own household. It was not to be. I was at the end of the line.

That spring, Hyo Jin’s behavior only worsened. Father had prohibited him from returning to Manhattan Center for two years, until he got his addiction problems under control. Hyo Jin called Manhattan Center and threatened to come down and smash the studio equipment. He was still being paid, of course. The Moons called it a disability payment, even though the company carried no disability insurance on its employees. Hyo Jin, in the meantime, was doing nothing to address his substance abuse. He would not enroll in a drug rehabilitation program; he would not see a therapist. If anything, he was spending more time closeted in his room, using cocaine and drinking. He would send Shin Gil to the refrigerator for beer and then lock himself in his room. For the sake of my children, I knew I could not remain in this environment much longer.

The final straw came when True Parents told me they thought that Hyo Jin was ready to return to Manhattan Center. He was bored at East Garden and needed productive work. Hyo Jin’s first project when he returned to Manhattan Center, he told me, would be to make an international singing sensation out of a bar girl who entertained at a Korean club in Queens. I knew the Moons were making a terrible mistake, that Hyo Jin was in worse shape than ever and a return to Manhattan Center would just broaden his opportunities to drink and use cocaine. I had my own suspicions about his real intentions toward the Korean bar girl. I knew the Moons would not listen to me. In April they did listen to concerned church members who wrote to protest Hyo Jin’s reinstatement in his old job.

Dearest True Parents,

On behalf of all the members of Manhattan Center, we the leaders and department heads come before you with a humble heart of repentance for our inability to create an environment that could support and protect Hyo Jin Nim and assist him in fulfilling his historical responsibility.

We wish to express our loyalty and support to our True Parents at this very crucial time, and wish to convey the following key points:

1. Our primary desire is to ensure that Manhattan Center is a place that can be completely claimed and used by God, True Parents and the worldwide Unification movement.

2. That as such, we absolutely pledge to uphold True Parents’ tradition and to maintain and substantiate that standard as the force that guides the lives of all members in the mission at Manhattan Center. We also realize that only through connecting M.C. to True Parents’ greater vision do our efforts have any value at all.

3. That on this foundation we wish to express our heart of love for Hyo Jin Nim, and the desire to support and help him in fulfilling his position and responsibility.

4. Therefore, based on this heart, we absolutely do not want M.C. to be a place that Hyo Jin Nim can use to make his problems worse. We want to be totally sure that he is protected from using M.C. in any way that may bring greater harm to himself and to the spiritual lives of members, to the growing business foundation, or to the reputation and foundation of the Church.

5. We therefore wish to support our True Parents in any decision they make with regard to Hyo Jin Nim. But we, as leaders of Manhattan Center, humbly request that Hyo Jin Nim not be restored to his position of responsibility here until he has completely overcome his drug and alcohol problems, and can truly uphold God’s standard at Manhattan Center and in the movement.

6. True Parents, we ask this in sadness for the burden it reveals to you. But we are united in the conviction that such measures are absolutely necessary for the sake of Hyo Jin Nim’s health and well-being and for the continued establishment of True Parents’ worldwide foundation.

7. We also wish to express our heartfelt gratitude for Nansook Nim’s heart and true leadership in being an absolute link between Manhattan Center and True Parents. She has been tireless in working to bring God’s Heart and True Parents’ Standard to M.C.

The letter enraged Hyo Jin, which meant trouble for me. Hyo Jin blamed me for the loss of his position. He dragged me into his room. He took a tube of my lipstick and scrawled the word stupid all over my face. Another time he threw a bottle of vitamins at me, striking me in the head. Knowing how susceptible I was to the cold after childbirth, he once forced me to stand naked at the foot of his bed while he mocked me. I begged him not to beat me anymore. He gave me a choice. I could be hit or spit upon. I think he enjoyed the humiliation he inflicted by spitting at me even more than he had enjoyed hitting me.

The Reverend and Mrs. Moon had suggested that Hyo Jin and I might help our marriage by living outside the compound. Hyo Jin’s reaction had been to remark that the only work I was suited for outside East Garden was prostitution. I knew I could not live with this man, anywhere, under any circumstances. By June I secretly began packing.

My brother called to tell me that there was a house for sale across the street from his in Massachusetts. If I was really serious about fleeing, I would not be alone. I would have family nearby. I cashed in the mutual fund savings I had set aside for the children’s college education and what money I had been saving during my time at Manhattan Center.

They had already been where I was going. Two years earlier, Je Jin had made her own final break with the Unification Church and her parents. She came to East Garden to confront her parents with her grievances about the family, and after an ugly scene with her mother, she left the compound and had never come back. The Unification Church describes Je Jin as living apart from the True Family in order for her husband to complete his studies. That is a half-truth. Jin continues to study but Je Jin no longer speaks to her parents or receives any financial support from them.

My parents had left the Unification Church, too. The fact that those closest to me in my own family were now out of harm’s way made it easier for me to go. There would be no Hongs left behind to be punished by the Moons for my betrayal. I did not know where to begin legally. My first impulse was to look under “lawyers” in the Yellow Pages. My brother helped me there, too, steering me to lawyers in New York, where eventually I met Herbert Rosedale, a corporate lawyer in Manhattan whose avocation is helping disenchanted cult members and their families. He was a big, balding, kindly bear of a man, the sixty-three-year-old president of the American Family Foundation, a group of lawyers, business executives, and professionals who try to educate the public about the dangers of religious extremism. I knew I needed someone on my side who would not be intimidated by the Unification Church.

Throughout the summer, I talked with my brother and Madelene about how to arrange my escape. I was frightened that Hyo Jin would stop us if I was open about my plans. He had threatened to kill me so many times, and with a veritable arsenal of weapons in his bedroom, I knew he could. I worried for our safety. I was confirmed in my fears one night in the kitchen of the mansion when Hyo Jin came upon Madelene and me having tea. He told her angrily to leave; he ordered me upstairs. When he joined me, he threatened to break my fingers one by one if I continued to pursue a friendship with her. The next day I went to the police to report his threat.

My parents were very supportive of my plans. We had devoted our lives to a cause that was rotten at its very core. I knew that if I did not leave now, I might not live long enough to make this choice again. I was not going to be beaten, threatened, and imprisoned anymore.

My parents were not aware of the extent of physical danger I was in, but were unwilling to sacrifice another daughter to the church. My younger sister Choong Sook had been matched by the Reverend Moon to a man she did not want to marry, the son of a Blessed Couple my parents did not respect. The Reverend Moon had made that match intentionally to punish my parents for their perceived disloyalty.

Choong Sook was a good daughter; she displayed none of my stubbornness or defiance. A cellist, she was an excellent student at Seoul University. My mother was heartbroken at Choong Sook’s fate. She dutifully purchased the wedding garments and gifts for the groom’s family, but her heart was heavy. Another daughter was about to walk a lonely and painful path. She couldn’t do it. After the religious ceremony, but before Choong Sook and her intended were legally married, my parents sent Choong Sook to America to study. She, too, was in Massachusetts, awaiting my arrival. She would not return to Korea or to the husband the Reverend Moon had selected for her.

All that was left was to ask my children whether they wanted to come with me. If they said no, I knew in my heart I would be unable to leave. How could I abandon the children whose love had kept me strong throughout my painful years with the Moons? How could I risk never seeing them again? How could I doom them to a life inside the Moon compound? I held my breath after I told them my plan. My children exploded in excited, puppy-like yelps of pleasure. “We just want to live in a little house with you. Mama,” my children told me through their tears.

None of the children revealed our plans to anyone within or outside of the family, even though it meant not being able to say good-bye to their friends and favorite cousins. They knew what was at stake. They had seen the guns in their father’s bedroom; they had heard his threats when he beat me.

I picked the day we would leave, but it was God who was guiding my choice. True Parents were out of the country and In Jin and her family were away from East Garden. Baby-sitters whispered about my packing, security guards watched me move furniture out of East Garden, but no one alerted the Moons or their key aides. I was frightened but I knew God was protecting us, clearing a path out of East Garden for my children and me.

My brother called from a motel nearby the night before our scheduled escape to tell me that he would be waiting at our prearranged rendezvous early the next morning. From here on in, he said, it was all up to me. And God, I added.

Nansook Hong interviewed (with full transcript)

In the Shadow of the Moons book, part 1

In the Shadow of the Moons book, part 2

In the Shadow of the Moons book, part 3

In the Shadow of the Moons book, part 4

In the Shadow of the Moons book, part 6

WBZ News and Mike Wallace interview Nansook Hong

Second Generation gives a testimony on life with Hyo Jin Moon

Hyo Jin Moon came to court in Concord in the company of no fewer than four high-priced attorneys to fight Nansook Hong

Nansook Hong – [C-Span] Book Discussion – ‘In The Shadow of the Moons’ with FULL TRANSCRIPT