#i had a really miserable time last year and it wrecked my mental health | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

loulines · 1 year ago

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I got my anniversaries mixed up.

Fuck.

Not that it matters. The thing on June 21st was something I confessed to someone which started a series of things that made me end up in therapy. Still ironic.

My fandom anniversary is about a week later. Can't really remember when exactly anymore.

Again, it doesn't matter.

I survived my first ever therapy session, that's what matters.

Normally I wouldn't write about it, in fact I haven't really felt like talking about the details for the couple of days, not even to my friends. My family doesn't even know I went there.

The only reason why I want to publicly speak about it is because I know there are many people like me who are struggling and on the verge of breaking apart, but they're too afraid to start therapy, or procrastination and executive dysfunction are kicking their ass. I can only hope to inspire at least one person.

I'd rather not talk about how I even got to that point aside from the thing I mentioned earlier because this should stay private. But it was that and also years of other unfortunate events that shaped me into the miserable wreck I am today.

I've been considering starting therapy when things were still somewhat "not great not terrible", but since I was terrified of talking to anyone, I did everything I could to not find a specialist.

Then, when I actually seriously considered getting the appointment, I have already done things I was even more scared to talk about with a stranger because therapist or not, the last thing I needed was to have someone confirm that I did morally wrong and unforgivable things...

And of course living in a hell of a homophobic country doesn't help either.

Hundreds of mental breakdowns later, and buckets of tears I've cried, my irl friend told me that I should really look for someone to help me. My first reaction was of course, "no way I will do it," but then she told me that she's looking for a therapist herself too. And she told me about her ways to look for someone.

So eventually I spent some time on research, wrote down some names and then left it like that without making an appointment.

It was fine. I did the first step anyway and that was what mattered. A few days later I was getting out of another meltdown and then I just... I grabbed my ipad, went back to the list and made an appointment with the therapist that "seemed" to be the best for me.

And that was it.

I almost started crying while I was signing up because it felt like I was making a life changing decision. And idk... Maybe because I finally agreed with myself to get the professional help I've been avoiding so much in the past.

On the day of the appointment I was stressed AF but it hit the catalyst 15 minutes before. I thought I would pass out and I don't know if it was my nerves or the heatwave or both.

And then it happened. Again, I don't want to share any details. Some things got clearer right away and made me feel calm now, the rest is still confusing. I definitely need more sessions. I might attend them feeling less stressed though. Hopefully.

I don't want to draw any conclusions now. I don't want to examine myself in search of finding immediate changes in me and my POV... That's gonna take a while and just because I've been feeling slightly better for a few days and not s**c*d*l (as usual) doesn't mean I'm already fixed. I'm not. I'm still beyond broken and more than confused.

Tbh I know absolutely nothing about mental health. All the attempts at trying to understand what is happening to me or others were only making things worse. I used to think I can DIY my own therapy without stepping out of my comfort zone. I cannot.

Had I started therapy earlier, say 8 months earlier, maybe I would be in a very different situation right now. And the people that were affected by my mental fuck up would be as well. Maybe things would be so much better now. I will never know. Time can't go in reverse, what's done is done. The only thing I can do now is to trust a specialist and hope I chose the right one.

And wait.

For days, weeks, months, maybe years...

Until life is good again.

#sorry for rambling again #I usually have this phases that I ramble a lot then stop and then go again #I honestly don't know what it's like to be happy anymore #all the good things that happened seem to be nothing but a fading dream now #also I slept very badly last night so I'm just exhausted and feel extremely bad #I wish I was a robot so I could juat switch myself off #I wish I could go back to drawing again I remember how I loved to do it #why am I still rambling in the fags ffs #I need sleep

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killhimjustkillhim · 3 years ago

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My (33f) husbands (40m) friend (40m) is weighing on my mental health and im becoming violent because of it.

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I need somewhere to go.

My husband has a friend (Mark) who he's known for years now. Ive never met Mark in person until recently as he lives in a different state THANKFULLY! But I know the logistics of him from my husbands "occasional" talks of him.

Im just going to say this, Mark is very much a train wreck, to say the least. When I first started dating my husband, Mark was going through a messy divorce from his wife, due to HIS infidelity issues. Mark would constantly call my husband (boyfriend at the time) to complain about how much he hates his wife and how she's always out to ruin his life, yada yada. That he felt whole as person by continuing to cheat on her with other younger prettier woman. It got to the point where Mark would call my husband after every cheating incident to brag about it and then laugh like he was playing some kind of sick joke on one of his buddies. It got to be so disturbing to listen to, as sometimes my husband would have me listen in on his talking, that I would actually remove myself from the precense of my husband. Now AT THE TIME, my husband also found these conversations with mark to be disgusting and appalling, so he stopped answering his phone calls all together. They didn't speak for 2 years until recently.

So now its been a two years, my husband and I are now married, Mark being fully and completely divorced from his wife, and back on the phone with my husband again. Now, instead of calling to brag about all his affairs and how much he hates his wife, he calls to brag about all the girlfriends he has or has had. He rambles on about marrying one chick, to breaking up with her for better potential. Then goes on about another he was with for 6 months, moved in with her and her kids, then cheated on her with some other chick and now plans on buying her a ring/house.....and he LAUGHS about it, its sickening! Well now, rather than my husband being disgusted by these conversations, because in reality, these are the same types of conversations as before, he finds them to be quite entertaining. And instead of having me listening to them talk unsolicited, he finds it even more entertaining to just verbally tell me about their conversations after the fact. Apparently, my husband now finds Marks bad relationship behavior to be "innocent" and even DEFENDS it as he all of a sudden feels like Marks ex-wife really did make his life miserable in the 15 years they were married. That because of it, he's entitled to play the field even if the game is dirty. Fine, whatever....

Now here's where I've been mentally affected by Mark. Since My husband and Mark have reunited in the last 12 months, Ive started having these terrible nightmares of my husband cheating on me, or attempting to. Its not every night that I have these nightmares, its only when Marks name comes up. It could come up even one time in the slightest, and BOOM, my husband is cheating on me nightmare. Ive talked with my husband about them as he of course laughs them off. Ive expressed a firm stance that these nightmares, though ridiculous and possibly a product of my own subconscious insecurities, are bothering me and need him to stop talking about Mark around me. Ive demanded it!

Tonight I get home from a long LONG day of work and was looking forward to a dinner date with my husband. We had plans earlier on in the week to have a kid free dinner and was really excited about it. When I walk through the door, I suddenly see a man and woman, who I dont know or recognize, sitting on my couch talking to my husband. Nonchalantly, my husband introduces me to MARK and his new girlfriend (didn't bother catching her name). Immediately I'm sick to my stomach and have lost all my appetite. I suddenly become very tired and weak like I've just been hit with COVID or something. But I kept my cool, swallowed my empty achy stomach, and put on my polite act. My husband informs me, nonchalantly, that Mark decided to make a special surprise visit as he was going to be in town for a couple days and wanted to meet me. As my blood pressure quickly rises, he then suggests that the four of us go to dinner, making it a double date! It was almost like my husband was intentionally screwing with my head at this point. The only thing I kept asking myself was "why didnt he call me to let me know they were here before I got home?" Is my husband really that inconsiderate? He knows, as ive made it very clear that I NEVER wanted to meet Mark, let alone go to dinner with him and one of his girlfriends. Why didn't he call me? So I responded by simply making the excuse that I was just so tired from work and that they should all go without me. That I would be fine at home and would find something to make here. They begged, they pleaded for me to go, but I refused. So they all went to dinner and I went to bed, angrier than I think ive ever been.

Around 130am this morning, my husband wakes me up from yes, a major cheating nightmare. Only this time, im woken up in the middle of our kitchen with broken glass everywhere. According to him, I must have slept walked down stairs to where I took the majority of our framed photos from the living room wall, and smashed them in our kitchen. Ive never slept walked before nor have I ever been known to smash pictures.....

Its almost 5am here and I haven't been able to go back to sleep. Where do I go from here? How can I change this without having to control my husbands friendship with Mark.

TL;DR: My husbands friend is negatively impacting my mental health and my marriage.

#kill him

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living-with-pmd · 3 years ago

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11 Women With PMDD Share What It's Really Like

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is the evil cousin of PMS. They share the same types of symptoms—moodiness, increased hunger, cravings, fatigue, cramps, pain, brain fog, and depression, among others—but for PMDD sufferers, those symptoms get so bad they can cripple a woman's ability to lead a normal life.

While up to 85 percent of women get PMS, according to the US Department of Health, only about 5 percent of women experience PMDD, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry.

We asked women with PMDD what it's really like living with the disorder. Here are their stories:

"I was diagnosed with PMDD last summer. Six months prior to my diagnosis, I started taking a certain birth control and soon every month I was experiencing severe PMS issues. I am a generally happy person, but during those few days I was someone entirely different. I was extremely depressed and anxious, having much more frequent panic attacks, and was super sensitive and lonely. I was even suicidal, which was terrifying. And the worst part was I was convinced that I had always been this miserable, and that I would always be this miserable, and it was never going to change. It felt as if someone had completely burned out the light in me and all happiness and joy and hope was gone. I didn't make the connection that it was related to my period but thankfully a close friend did. I have since switched birth control, which helped a lot, and increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. Most importantly, I am aware of the way I feel those few days so I know to expect it, and I can logically remind myself that I will stop feeling that way soon. Looking back, I realize that I've probably always had pretty bad PMS or PMDD. The birth control worsened it but it was also causing a lot of issues I wasn't aware of previously as well." —Katherine H., 22, Edmonds, WA

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"PMDD is out of control. I cry really easily for about a week. My biggest issue is that I am convinced that I am failing at everything—being a wife, a mom, work projects, fitness, my whole life! And even though it feels so real I constantly have to question if my feelings are valid or if they are amplified by my cycle. I just set an alert in my phone to remind me to consider my hormones the next time I feel that way." —Krysten B., 32, Toronto, CA

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"A week before my period, I become a complete psycho, completely unlike myself. I'm tearful, want to eat everything that's sweet or salty, have absolutely no tolerance for anything other than perfection, and prefer to be left completely alone. I already take an antidepressant but my PMDD was a complete nightmare so my doctor gave me Prozac to take for just 10 days a month. Basically, I start it when I start to get that irrational feeling and keeping taking it until my period starts. And that's just the emotional stuff. On the physical side, I have debilitating cramps, backaches, and headaches that last for days. Yep. I'm a peach." —Kristen L., 40, Knoxville, TN

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"In the past, PMDD almost made me suicidal and totally broke my spirit. Yes it wasthat bad. Every month. Eventually I got tired of being a 'crazy PMS woman' and decided I needed to fix this. Since I don't like to take pharmaceuticals, I branched out to homeopathic remedies and I discovered St. John's Wort and essential oils, especially clary sage and Doterra Calm-Its. It's a lot better now but I still have my hard days." —Amy S., 43, Zebulon, NC

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"My PMDD got so bad I had to go to a psychiatrist and be put on Prozac along with another antidepressant I was already taking. I was a mess—anxious, crying randomly over the smallest thing, and eating everything in sight. One example is someone made a YouTube mashup of the Age of Ultron trailers with Pinocchio footage and the 'I've got no strings on me' song and that wrecked me for weeks. Every time I thought about scenes from Pinocchio I would start panicking and crying at my work desk. It's been a few years and I'm better now. I'm off birth control and weening myself off the Prozac. I notice a week before my period I will sob during any sad part in a movie or book I'm reading, and a day or two before, I notice I'm more likely to be anxious." —Kate W., 36, Alaska

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"This has impacted my ability to work effectively. My pet peeve is when people say 'it must be close to your time of the month' when they simply don't like what I'm saying. I have run into that problem a lot at previous jobs and it makes it really hard to be taken seriously. It's bullshit because my feelings are valid regardless and also PMDD is not a joke. I am so lucky now to have a male boss who understands but it wasn't always that way. I have also have found a lot of relief with naturopathic and herbal remedies." —Amalia F., 28, Vancouver, Canada

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"My PMS was tolerable until my second child was born and then everything went off the rails. I'd be looking forward to plans with others, happy, and then about 10 to 14 days before my flow would start, my mood would turn on a dime. I'd be horrible—crying, screaming that ~nobody understands~, just so much emotional pain. I'd basically lock myself up in the bedroom for a full day to cry, get angry, and feel sorry for myself. It took three doctors before I finally found one who would listen to me before I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I took Prozac for three years for it but it made me feel numb, like a zombie and not like myself. So I quit and my family just deals with me now. As I've gotten closer to menopause the PMDD is not as bad, but can be very unpredictable due to hormonal swings from perimenopause. The worst part now is I feel like my friendships have suffered. I always seem to have episodes around major holidays and events and I end up bumming everyone out if I do show up so I end up staying home a lot." —Colleen T., 50, St. Paul, MN

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"I'm overly emotional for the week before my period. Saying that makes it sound like it's not that bad but I get so distraught that my fiance has actually scheduled it in his phone as 'blood sport' to remind himself what's coming. I'm thankful that he's patient because I also feel like everyone hates me that week, too." —Kenlie T., 36, New Orleans, LA

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"All month long I'm fine and feel even and calm and then suddenly, the week before my period, I can't handle even the tiniest little thing. My irritability goes through the roof (which is not great since I have a 5-year-old) and I feel like I have no friends. It really makes me sad." —Jessica S., 28, Broomfield, CO

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"I know my period is coming because all of a sudden all of my joints hurt, especially my knees and ankles. I also get crazy gnarly cramps and once I even had a cyst that ruptured while I was on a date and the guy had to take me to the hospital! It was so embarrassing. Thankfully my husband now is very understanding when this time rolls around each month. The worst part is people who just think I make this stuff up. Some months are better than others and sometimes the pain is completely debilitating! My emotions are also a rollercoaster. Anytime I see something cute or inspiring, I burst into tears." —Ivie C., 21, Rexburg, ID

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"My PMDD manifests in both mental and physical symptoms. From the time I got my period at age 12, I've had extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. I'd leak at school through a super maxi pad every class so I'd tie sweatshirts around my waist and have to scrub my clothes when I got home. It was super humiliating. I'd have to take six to eight ibuprofen at a time to deal with cramps, and if I didn't I'd end up on the floor sweating like I had the flu. Sometimes I'd even throw up. This meant I ended up spending a lot of time sick in bathrooms and knew where every restroom was at all times. Birth control helped manage the PMDD and other issues, but as soon as I was done having kids, I had a hysterectomy. That was the best thing I've ever done." —Mandy P., 39, Mendon, UT

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19972132/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder/

#premenstrual dysphoric disorder #PMDD #pmdd awareness #living with pmdd #actually pmdd #mental health awareness #mental health #women's health #pms #premenstrual syndrome #afab problems

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naturalholisticlivingwellness · 3 years ago

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It’s kind sad to think that guys and girls have been conditioned that THIS is normal for a woman’s cycle, but it’s actually not normal to be in pain during that time of the month. Pain in any form is the body’s way of telling you something is wrong and out of balance. I would like to clarify some things and tell you about somethings I’ve figured out in the last couple of years of going natural and with what has helped my own cycle.

1. Magnesium. When you crave chocolate, that’s actually your body craving magnesium, which is a muscle relaxer. When you apply a magnesium cream like Good Night Lotion directly to the cramping region it helps the muscles to not tense up as much and helps to reduce cramping.

2. Rebalancing the hormones. Doctors tell us that the only way to not hate being a woman is to take birth control, but that is absolutely not the case. Actually, birth control in my experience can actually make it worse. Besides the mental health issues that can stem from the birth control wrecking the natural hormone cycle and gut health, it can also cause an imbalance of hormones. I’m speaking from experience here for these, it sucks. If I don’t take anything for it, I get a horrendous migraine on day two of my period that makes me puke my guts out. Not fun. Thankfully I found some things that help with that. Natural Balance, Postpartum Balance and Lunamore tinctures have helped me to rebalance my hormones so I’m not miserable during that time of the month and Ease the Ache helps to minimize the cramping, bloating, and mood swings. Seriously, I’ve had a few periods where I forgot I was even on it because I never cramped ONCE. And women after childbirth their periods have a tendency to get worse because of the hormone shift.

3. Switching to more natural products helps to ease cramps as well. Disposable tampons and pads are soaked in toxic chemicals (ever see the warning for toxic shock syndrome?) that gets absorbed into a woman’s body. If you have to use disposable products, make sure to use organic pads and tampons. Alternative solution to this is menstrual cups (which is actually less gross than it sounds) and reusable cloth (if you’ve ever used or seen fluffy cloth diapers for babies is basically like that, but in a pad form, so it can be washed in really hot water and reused. The benefits of a cup or reusable pad is, well, you never have to run to the store to get them when you run out and with proper care you pay for them one time and don’t have to buy them again for several years. If you’re looking to save money, this is a BIG help! They can also get the hormones more better aligned to facilitate fertility.

4. Lavender Essntial Oil for Cramps. Essential oils have been used for thousands of years (it was part of the embalming process and could still be smelled faintly when they opened King Tut’s tomb and was what was given to Mary when Jesus was born if you’re religious). If you look up what Dr. Axe has to say about lavender essential oil, he actually links to some studies that found that lavender essential oil, when applied topically to the abdomen where the cramping is to ease the pain. I tried it, and it actually works! You apply a few drops neat (that is to say, undiluted) to the pudge we woman have (which is actually our womb!) and rub it in just like the Good Night Lotion. Now, there is a Good Night Lotion that has lavender essential oil in it, but I found it to be too diluted to help as well as it should, so I do them separately with the unscented (sensitive) formula or the lavender essential oil neat, depending on what I’m closest too. WORD OF CAUTION. While this is one essential oil that doesn’t need to be diluted when applied topically, many (like cirtrus, mint or spicy oils) do, which you can do by adding olive oil (it is not water solvable, so don’t use water!) Also, anytime you use oils, you want a high quality oil, which is typically not what’s in grocery stores but sold by individuals in marketing. I personally use Young Living.

Yes yes I know, it gets a bad rep and a lot of people think it’s a scam, because it’s multilevel marketing it’s not. While I do sell for them, and yes it is an MLM, I have no real intention of making a team per se. I won’t push you to buy from me or to sell it. If you find something (Young Living or any other company I work for) that you think might help you, great I will help you out. If you don’t no biggie. I’m not in it for the money, I’m in it to help people get their health back as nature (or God however you view it) intended for health to be, the money is just a nice little bonus that can help fill up the gas tank so my husband can get to work, my son go have fun bouncing around at the trampoline park and so I can pay it forward to someone who needs help :woman_shrugging:

Anyways, I hope you read these suggestions and I hope I can be of help to some women out there. I’ll post the links if anyone is interested. If not, no problem. Thank you for reading this and if you have a friend who’s having lady troubles and you think this might help her, please copy and paste this text and links and share with her!

Good Night Lotion

https://www.earthley.com/product/good-night-lotion/ref/Donezzia

Postpartum Balance

https://www.earthley.com/product/postpartum-balance/ref/Donezzia

Natural Balance

https://www.earthley.com/product/natural-balance/ref/Donezzia

Lunamore (designed with PCOS in mind)

https://www.earthley.com/product/lunamore/ref/Donezzia

Ease the Ache https://www.earthley.com/product/ease-the-ache-womens-cramp-formula/ref/Donezzia

A couple other tinctures worth mentioning that I forgot to help with hormones is Nourish Her Natural and Fertility Boost

Nourish Her Naturally

https://www.earthley.com/product/nourish-her-naturally/ref/Donezzia

Fertility Boost

https://www.earthley.com/product/fertili-boost-herbal-extract/ref/Donezzia

https://www.myyl.com/tiara-bishop#bwm/for-that-time-of-the-month

Picture from Google

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makeste · 4 years ago

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I’ve just realised it’s been over a year since you last listed your top 10 characters! Has anything changed since then?

a lot has changed! actually, every single ranking has changed from last time except for one (which you can probably guess, lol).

1. Bakugou (previous rank: 1)

yes, believe it or not, Bakugou is still my favorite. I’ll understand if you all need a moment to recuperate from the shock of this.

2. Deku (previous rank: 4)

hi, so. I really love Deku a lot. I think he is a great character and there’s a lot of subtlety and complexity to him that he doesn’t always get credit for. he is loving and kind, but he’s not a pushover. he has moments of deer-in-headlights anxiety when he’s in the spotlight or talking to celebrities (or girls), but then he’ll go and launch into a five-hour speech if someone mentions a topic he’s interested in. he’s very much aware of the huge burden that’s been placed on his shoulders, and is struggling to figure out how to become his own person (which is fucking hard, you guys; how many sixteen-year-olds do you know who have a solid, firm idea of who they are as a person and what it is about themselves that makes them unique individuals?) while still living up to All Might’s legacy. he’s smart and determined and capable of extraordinary things, but second-guesses himself and has a tendency to overthink everything he does. he is interesting!! and he doesn’t always get credit for being interesting! but he is! anyways Deku ilu.

3. Aizawa (previous rank: 2)

still the best. still so tired. the manga is tripling down lately on highlighting how awesome he is. childhood angst and guilt and trauma?? yes. kicking lots of ass?? hell yes. being outrageously sexy with his floating wavy hair and glowy red eyes and spending almost this entire arc in Eraser Mode while Horikoshi hopes to god no one remembers how he made it a Whole Thing after USJ that Aizawa supposedly couldn’t hold his quirk for long periods like that anymore?? oh, you bet. who is even gonna complain about it. you?? I sure am not. and last but not least, being the greatest dad in the world who’s willing to stab god in the face in order to stay alive to protect his children and continue to watch them grow?? fam. you goddamn know that is a YES WITH CAPITAL LETTERS. how can one character honestly be so great. how can he even contain it. he’s so powerful.

4. Todoroki (previous rank: 5/6)

Ochako slid all the way off my top ten list and I feel so bad about it. but she hasn’t had the spotlight for a long time, and meanwhile Shouto has had what feels like ARC AFTER ARC of being awesome and doing awesome things like becoming Bakugou’s Undisputed Best Friend, having the longest and purest canon romantic relationship in the series (I am of course talking about him/soba), and playing a key role in one of the most beautifully executed family arcs I have ever seen, with his conflicted feelings about his father that are so layered that THEIR LAYERS HAVE LAYERS. and meanwhile his quirk kicks as much ass as ever. remember that one time Shouto almost burned Tetsutetsu alive. remember that other time he fucking annihilated Ending (“GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER”)?! and meanwhile he remains the goodest and purest child in the entire series, making sure Mt. Lady’s heart is okay, and offering his two friends internships without a second’s hesitation because THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS DO. it’s just what they do you guys.

5. Hawks (previous rank: n/a! welcome to the top ten kiddo.)

OH NO I LOVE A MURDERER WHAT A STUNNING INDICTMENT OF ME. send me off to jail. anyway so I have always liked Hawks, but the latest arc has sent him skyrocketing up through the ranks of my heart. not because of the murder thing, but... okay well but actually, it is because of the murder thing though. NOT BECAUSE I’M HAPPY HE KILLED A GUY WE ALL LOVED, jesus, but because of how well Horikoshi portrayed his struggle over it. he didn’t want to do it!! but he ended up having to in the end, and he paid one hell of a heavy price for it. and listen, but if you give me a character who is smart, who is compassionate, and who is one of the most mentally and physically capable characters we’ve seen in the series and yet simultaneously does not have even the slightest ounce of regard or self-preservation for his own mental health? a character who is tired, who is willing to make sacrifices up to and including the ultimate sacrifice for what he believes is the greater good? a character who is achingly alone and isolated in so much of what he has to go through, who doesn’t dare drop his guard ever, who’s not able or willing to share his burdens with anyone else? if you give me a character like that, and then ask me not to love him, it’s like. I am very sorry but I truly have no say in it at this point. he’s adopted. I’m sorry it’s the law.

6. Tomura (previous rank: n/a)

OH NO I LOVE TWO MURDERERS WHAT EVEN IS WRONG WITH ME. hahaha. so in between the time of now and when I last did a character ranking, Tomura had a flashback! and it was very traumatic! he was little and sweet and his dad was a dick and there was a lot of blood and gore and a dog died!! and then AFO was all “HELLO IT’S ME COME TO SWOOP IN AND ADOPT YOU AND ENCOURAGE YOU TO KILL STUFF AND ALSO HERE ARE YOUR DEAD FAMILY’S SEVERED BODY PARTS TO ADORN YOURSELF WITH SO YOU NEVER STOP FEELING MISERABLE.” and everyone sitting there reading was all, “well I’ll just come out and say it, I can sort of understand why he became a murderer now,” and we all agreed that yes, it did indeed make a great deal of sense, when you put it that way. anyway, so obviously you can’t not feel empathy toward the kid after all that, even if he is going around killing A WHOLE LOT MORE people now, and has basically gone batshit insane actually. I remain steadfast in my conviction that Tomura is not the actual final villain -- AFO is. and call me crazy, but in spite of everything, I still think this kid has a shot at redemption. it won’t be pretty, and it’ll be a long, long path, and he might not ever fully make it all the way, but he’s someone who’s been manipulated and used as a puppet his entire life, and I want him to have the chance to finally break free from that. hopefully he’ll get it.

7. Mirko (previous rank: n/a)

so previously this section just said “MIRKO!!!!!”, which I honestly think sums it up pretty well. I honestly can’t think of any other character who has come along and just slapped me straight across the face with their sheer awesomeness as much as her, though. every time she’s onscreen/on the page my face is just a huge grin the entire time. she is fearless. like, she’s the type of person who actually does laugh in the face of danger -- like that’s not just an expression, she will LITERALLY LAUGH. she is Peter Pan with a dagger to his throat, smiling and saying “to die would be an awfully big adventure.” she is someone who’s found her purpose in life and is thriving. Mirko has no time for your existential angst; she’s too busy kicking ass every minute of every hour of every day. I love her so, so much. thank you so much Horikoshi for being obsessed with her and making her the biggest badass in the whole series.

8. All Might (previous rank: 3)

I still adore him! he just has had next to nothing to do for what seems like forever, so the other characters who are still getting steady development are kind of just sneaking past him one by one. but he is still the absolute best. he cares so much. so, so, so, so much. he’s not always the most natural when it comes to being a teacher or a mentor, and he stumbles and makes mistakes, but he loves his kids. he cares about them so fiercely. and that’s far and away the most important thing, and it’s not even close. and he’s also just so endlessly self-sacrificing and constantly putting everyone else before himself, and it’s insane. he’s someone who is just constantly thinking, “how can I do more, how can I help more, what else can I do to try and make the world better” even as he stumbles along with half a lung, and struggles with his feelings of inadequacy and helplessness and feeling like it’s just still not enough. I want to give All Might the biggest hug in the world and tell him that it’s all right, that he did good, that the kids are going to be all right. when Aizawa told him “you being alive is enough” I almost had a breakdown tbh. anyway if I keep going I’m gonna talk myself into moving him back up the list and then I’ll have to rearrange this whole thing lol so suffice it to say, fuck yeah All Might.

9. Momo (previous rank: 7)

when is Momo gonna do more stuff, Horikoshi?? huh??! he does realize that whenever she does stuff it’s always amazing?? so why is she not just constantly doing amazing, awesome stuff all the time?? I don’t know, and frankly I’ve had just about enough of this. let Momo do stuff 2020. but I won’t talk about this anymore for now because I haven’t ready any chapter 278 spoilers and I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

(ETA: I HAVE READ CHAPTER 278 NOW AND ALL I CAN SAY IS YESSSSS!!! MOMO!!!! also I swear to god I genuinely had not seen any spoilers when I was writing this post lol, it was a total coincidence. I’m glad the “let Momo do stuff 2020″ campaign was so immediately successful though.)

10. Kaminari (previous rank: 8)

last but not least, my five-and-a-half-year-old traitor son, Kaminari Denki. he is just such a shining beam of light and life and goodness and chaos. there is this amazingly buoyant energy whenever he’s on the page that just fills me with love for him. I constantly just want to ruffle his hair, just, all the damn time. he is everybody’s friend, he loves them all so much, and he fearlessly calls Bakugou “Kacchan” heedless of the repercussions (OF WHICH THERE WERE NONE!!), and he sincerely tells Jirou that he’s in awe of her musical talents, and he wrecked his fingers learning to play guitar for her but he was happy to do it, and he was afraid to fight in the big ALL THE VILLAINS VS ALL THE HEROES battle because DUH!?! but he still did it anyway because he had to protect his friends. and his quirk and its side effects are constantly used for comic relief and not taken seriously at all (even though it’s actually insanely powerful holy shit), but he doesn’t care because he’s happy to make his friends happy. he’ll willingly be the butt of the joke if it means he gets to see them laugh. he just has such a big heart, and in all seriousness, if you think he’s the traitor I just don’t even know what to say to you.

so that’s it! Tokoyami, Ochako, Shinsou, Iida, and Sero would probably be the next five, with Endeavor, Toga, Mina, Jirou, and Mirio rounding out the top twenty. maybe not in that exact order but it’s close enough. really there are only like three characters in the series I actually truly dislike, so I’m honestly glad “top ten” is the general standard otherwise I’d be here all night running through them all lol.

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traumatized-motherfuckers · 4 years ago

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Friendship Dissolutions; A Lesson in Asshole Trauma Reactions

So this is normally my school day, but I’m feeling the need to dig into something else this morning. The past events of this weekend, annnnd the past nearly two years. Because, if you hadn’t heard, relationships are hard and I like to embarrass myself by telling you about all my fuck ups.

You know, romantic relationships are a disaster for yours truly, but I always thought I was pretty good at the friendship thing. Since high school I’ve almost always had robust friendly relationships - both in depth and breadth. With the exception of a few difficult points in my life since 16, my phone has never been quiet, my weekends have only been isolating when I’ve been isolating myself, and I’ve always felt like I had humans on my side who were closer to kin than my actual family.

The thing is, there have been periods when this hasn’t been the case. I want to say that it’s generally when I’m in my worst mental health downfalls, but I don’t think that’s universally true. There have been variable reasons for separating myself from other people, or vice versa. Sometimes getting too busy, sometimes naturally growing apart, sometimes getting too obsessed with a romantic partner.

But, taking a more analytical view, underlying my lost friendship events, trauma has often been one of the influences that corrupted my friendships and left me lonely, even if it doesn’t seem like it at face value. The thing is, the trail of breadcrumbs might go back 20 years or so. I might not have been in a full-blown trauma state at the time, but those early life non-learnings about relationships have left their mark. So, yes, I do believe that CPTSD is the prerequisite for interpersonal disruptions and we’re not alone in that.

Anyways, in this Fucker’s life, for the past almost 2 years I’ve been in one of those friendship lulls. I’ve had casual friends, roommates, work-associates, distant relationships, some of those hey-how’s-it-going-every-two-months relations. But I haven’t had those deep, rich, all-encompassing friendships that used to define my existence. The ones that used to make me feel safe enough to have an existence, at all.

It’s all because I lost my core group of friends, I didn’t understand and couldn’t fix the problem, and I had no idea how to move forward.

And this last time when I lost everyone I loved, it was definitely due to trauma. Acute, historical, and recovering trauma, to be specific. It was a horrible period of my life, I was a human wrecking ball, and I had no emotional control… because, partially thanks to said friends, I never had to develop those skills.

Basically, I’ve been on my own since a whole series of mental health related isolation events and relationships dissolutions that have persisted since - I want to say 2019 - but to be more holistic, the ship started sailing earlier than that. Like, when I was born.

This has all come to mind more than usual because, this weekend? I had a strange rush of humans back into my life. For the first time in a long time, I saw my best, closest, most important old friends, who were closer to siblings…. In our natural habitat, with our normal friendship routines, with hundreds of memories from the past decade flying around the room.

And today… or, realistically, since I tried to go to sleep after seeing them each day this weekend… I have the relationship reckoning to deal with. The emotional and cognitive processing of everything that’s happened. The lost years. The sense of abandonment. The feeling of being cast out of a family. The inkling that everyone was talking about me. The realization that I was acting a fool, and maybe they should be talking about me. The sense that all parties were partially responsible, but I was the one to blame. The voice in my head that has called me a crazy, miserable, unlovable mess the entire time I debated this at 6am and 6pm and 3am for the past several years.

And now, in the aftermath, I have to work through the dynamic cocktail of feelings, the sense of waiting for the other shoe, and the big decision - are these relationships that I feel secure pursuing again?

And I don’t think I’m alone in this one.

So, today I thought it would be good to talk about this. The history of losing my favorite people on the planet, how I perceived it at the time, how I see my own trauma-actions fucking shit up in hindsight, how I’ve forgiven myself for being such a wild one, and… well… my hesitancy to have close friendships with humans who hurt me in the past. The ways I realized that being separate was beneficial to my mental health and life progress. The self-sabotaging enablement patterns that I now recognize, ran deep, in our old group of friends. The fear that being around them again will let my trauma brain run away with me.

Woo - it’s a whole personal relationship reckoning over here. Let’s just do this, so I can get to my school work at some point soon.

History

So let me set up this situation. You need the background details, of which, there are many dramatic twists and turns.

Be me, Spring of 2019. My romantic relationship with my ex in Atlanta - the musical narcissist that I followed to the city - is going terribly. Since we moved things have been rocky, but now our relationship has been pumped full of disappointment, unfair expectations, emotional codependency, resentment, horrific fighting, and abuse of all colors. Every day is a battle. We’re rarely ever “happy” together. We’re closer to enemies than friends. And we live under the same roof - the one his parents bought for him, outright in cash - to make matters even more fun.

Other than him, I’m alone in this city. I work at the brewery, where no one really likes me. I have one friend from work, but little time to interact thanks to the demanding schedule of my ex with his gigs and out-of-state child visitation.

Financially, my savings have been depleted by floating my significant other’s horrible decisions for the past 2 years. We can never get ahead. He never pays me back for anything. I’m basically in his pocket, as far as needing resources to survive.

As you can imagine, and as I’ve described previously, my mental health is in THE SHITTER. Maybe worse than it’s ever been, although this is hard to judge against some of my earlier years in my 20’s. I’m definitely ramped up in an aggressive and defensive trauma state more than ever before, thanks to living with my aggressor every day. I feel like I’m surviving against the will of my partner, who seems to legitimately be doing his best to drive me into an early grave every single time the sun rises. He’s moved into the territory of intentionally triggering me for hours on end, upsetting me to the point of mental breakdowns, and then gaslighting me for “acting so crazy.” Things have become dangerous, I have no one to turn to, and no cash to get myself into a better situation… not that I know what a better situation even looks like.

But one day, I left. Packed my two bags, went to work, wound up at that single sort-of-friend’s house, never went back home.

And that’s when the real nightmare started. I mean, my ex was a terror over time as we lived together, but a narcissist scorned is a narcissist determined to ruin your fucking life. He harassed me daily via text, phone call, FB messenger, email, stalkings… whatever you can think of. When I blocked him on everything, he started trying to leverage our therapists against me until they refused to interact anymore. He wouldn’t let me into his house to get my stuff. He tried to have me arrested for attempting to do so, after he made arrangements with me to move that weekend. He suddenly refused to even acknowledge that he owed me a dime, and found a way to tally up venmo transactions to show that I actually owed him. He took my only support - our dog, who was really my dog - away and wouldn’t let me see him. Later, he reported my car stolen, so I had to purchase a new one without warning.

The list goes on and on. Just, assume every pathetic, cruel, desperate attempt at getting under someone’s skin and reminding them that they had the audacity to leave you. That’s what was going on in my world.

Meanwhile, with those financial and social pressures I mentioned earlier. No close friends in the area, no spare cash, an unstable job where I was on the chopping block for the reason of “the CEO didn’t like my personality,” nowhere to live, no idea where to go next or how to start a whole new life.

Annnnnd this is right about when my closely knit friend group back in Illinois sort of, well, dipped.

My bestest, best, most treasured friend in my lifetime had always been there for me. But now, she wasn’t. We had exchanged a handful of phone calls over the past month in the aftermath of this relationship ending, but she had been pretty detached from it. I wasn’t offended, because she had certainly heard enough of the drama in real time… of course she was tired of hearing about it... but I was feeling especially alone and incapable of handling everything on my own, so the distance was difficult, nevertheless. Then, one day she told me that I was being too much for her. I had too high of expectations. It had been bothering her for a while. She needed me to understand and give her some space.

And this was the completely avoidable beginning of the end of my friendships. Let’s talk about why.

How I perceived it

So, I’m pretty sure you can guess how I took this challenging message from my best friend. Uh, poorly. I was so shocked that in my darkest hour, my comrade would feel like my problems were out of her paygrade. It felt like a stab to the heart and straight down through the gut. Here I was, completely alone and isolated, reaching back to my most trusted companions for a lifeline to keep my head above water, and… nothing. She didn’t want to reel me back into the boat.

I responded with some shitty messages about how I really wasn’t asking that much from her and I didn’t appreciate being blindsided by her sudden decision to get rid of me. I had only taken up a few phone calls to talk things through based on her schedule. I had visited her one weekend as I went to a job interview nearby. I had asked her to come visit me soon, so I could feel less alone for a few days. I didn’t think it was fair that she was responding this way. I couldn’t believe she would turn her back on me at this particular moment.

And so, the rift developed. We stopped speaking. I started sobbing. I was absolutely beside myself, as if I hadn’t already been. This wasn’t what I wanted, at all, but I also felt like I had no control in it.

.......

Like it? Well I’m too lazy to post the whole thing here. Check t-mfrs.com for the full blog AND the podcast recorded version. Yawelcome.

www.t-mfrs.com

(Traumatized Motherfuckers)

#cptsd #cptsd problems #actually CPTSD #cptsdsurvivor #just cptsd things #Complex Trauma #complexptsd #complextrauma #complextraumarecovery #healingcomplextrauma

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artificialqueens · 3 years ago

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Gimme Love, 8/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Oof! After this part, we have one more chapter. Things start to look a little bit better for Brie in this part of the story. Not completely, but she's getting there. Enjoy!

TW for this chapter: mental health mentions

2020

A week later, still no change on the Ed Sheeran thing. Launch day was just around the corner, and my nerves were wrecked. And Jujubee still hadn't spoken a word to me.

It was only morning time, and I hadn't even been awake for 5 minutes. Already so many things were playing in my mind.

I still hadn't reinstalled Messenger. So I had no idea whether Blair had replied or not. I really wanted to just forget about her already, but it was slow. I probably should have applied for counselling sessions with HR. I hired a lady a few years prior named Dela, and apparently, she was brilliant.

But therapy could wait until after the launch.

I had seen Jujubee at work a few more times, either making eye contact and looking away just as quick or trying to say hello at least. She'd just brush by.

I tried texting her but never received a reply. As much as she had pissed me off, I missed her. A lot.

"Hey, this is Jujubee. Leave a message."

Beep.

"Hey, Juju, it's me." I paused, struggling to figure out where to go from there, "Look, I...I know things are bad between you and me. But I...I don't want to lose you."

I couldn't think of what else to say.

'Please, talk to me?'

'You mean a lot to me.'

My silence was going on too long. "I...hope to see you at the prelaunch party...OK. Bye"

I hung up, burying my face in my pillow, feeling very pathetic. And because I was impatient, I thought to try reinstalling Messenger and try there.

Or was that too much? And did I really want to risk seeing a reply from a certain someone?

...Fuck it, I was doing it. I'd just ignore her. Yeah, I'd do that.

Blair: Wow. I didn't think…

I never clicked a message quicker. I sat up with my back against the headboard, eyes already reading the message.

Blair: Wow. I didn't think you'd actually reply! For sure, girl, we need to hang out! I'm in New York for two weeks anyway. Perfect timing, right? Give me a call as soon as you get this. TTYL.

"Oh my God." I let the phone slip into my lap. How was this real? How the fuck hadn't she found that message creepy? Were things starting to look up? I couldn't just leave her on read. It was sent last week, meaning she was still in New York.

Good. This was good.

But still, why didn't she address the confession to my feelings? Why was she avoiding the subject?

Sorry, you have to hear my innermost thoughts, all these questions. It just goes to show the whirlwind my head was experiencing.

Make a move, Brie.

My thumb hovered over the phone icon in the upper right corner. Do I just...do it?

Yes.

I clicked the button. It rang for a few seconds, the nerves telling me to just give up.

"Hello?"

Why the fuck do the people on the other end always say 'hello' like they didn't see who is calling them?

Why was I even thinking that?? Focus, Brie.

"Hi," I said.

"Wow, I didn't think you'd call." She sounded surprised.

"I'm sorry I keep doing this," I said too quickly. "Anyway, yes. Let's hang out."

There was a moment of silence, and I realised how panicked I sounded.

"Brianna, are you OK?" I heard the concern.

"What? Yeah! Of course, I am." I cleared my throat, "Just a bit...stressed out. Trying to...deal with this launch thingie and...deal with Ed Sheeran, I don't know," I laughed nervously before almost slapping some sense into myself, "I'm not majorly stressed out, though. I can still hang out."

She laughed. And fuck I realised just how much I missed it.

"You always made me laugh. You wanna grab a coffee?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Great! When are you free? I would say today, but I'm stuck with this thingie…" She replied.

And a thought hit me. "Actually... there's gonna be a party for my thing. It's for that project I told you about...back on Prom night, I don't know if you remember."

"Of course I do, Brie. I've been following all the media coverage. It's pretty awesome."

"You have been?" I sounded a little too excited and then reminded myself to not sound too desperate, "I mean, that's pretty cool. But yeah, there's a party the night before the launch. I could add you to the list."

"Yeah, of course! I'd love to come."

"Fantastic. I'll send you the details."

"Well, I'll leave you to it then."

"Thanks."

"I can't wait."

"Me too."

"Bye, Brianna."

"Bye, Blair."

She did the awkward half-spoken "bye, bye, bye," and hung up.

I threw my phone down onto my duvet and puffed out a breath of air.

"Yes!" I punched the air, "Yes. Fucking yes."

Shit was definitely looking up.

I found myself loading up my emails. "Dear Ed Sheeran, I appreciate your enthusiasm about participating in our project. However, after some thinking, we would love for you to perform at the event instead. This is strictly for your safety and the safety of everyone else. Sorry for the inconvenience. Kindest regards, Brianna Caldwell and team."

Sent. Easier than I thought.

No matter what the reply would be, I felt strong. Two problems down in less than ten minutes.

All that was left was Jujubee and Mom.

Fuck...the Mom problem.

It wasn't that I didn't love her. I adored the woman with all my heart. But I was still afraid of that recurring conversation, the memories of how I was a problem child. And if it wasn't that, it was my Grandpa.

Funny how those were always the recurring topics, things I didn't want to address. And now, on top of things, we were going to have to talk about Piggie's health.

I sent her money for his medical bills, so maybe things were different for him.

But still, the other topics of conversation I just wish we could avoid…If only there was something else to talk about...

Wait.

I stared at my phone and instantly became very still.

There was one subject that had gone unaddressed for so long - too long. Oh, God.

Half an hour later, I was in the kitchen, shaky hands pouring a cup of coffee. I couldn't call Mom immediately. I needed to will myself, build up my willpower.

After two cups, I found Mom's name in my phone book, hesitated to hit call but forced myself.

I breathed deeply, taking a seat at the breakfast counter and put the phone to my ear.

Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring…

She answered but was silent.

"Mom?" I spoke.

"Hey, honey." She sounded deflated.

"Did you get the money?" That was all I could think of to start with.

"Yeah. It's actually really helped. He's already showing improvement." She paused. "Thanks, baby."

It was painful how thankful she sounded, yet so miserable.

"Mom, I'm gonna come see you," I confirmed.

"Really?"

"Yeah." I smiled upon hearing how she lightened up. "I'm sorry about last week. My phone just...cut off, I guess."

I heard a sniff before she spoke again, "It's OK. When are you coming around?"

"Well, I got the launch this week, so maybe not now. How about 2 weeks?"

"Yeah, that's perfect. I have a job interview to prepare for anyway. I applied to this new boutique that opened in town. My interview is next week."

"That's great!" I was actually excited for her. Things weren't just looking up for me, it seemed. "I'm really happy for you."

"Yeah, me too. I'm not even nervous. Just ready to start working again. Anyway, how about you?"

"Actually, Mom…" I paused, squeezing my hand into a tight fist.

"What's wrong, Brianna?" She lowered her tone.

How did she know? I didn't even sound sad. Mothers intuition? Because I always thought that was bullshit. Like, if I was a Mom, I'd be the worst in picking up on things.

"You there?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, I just…" I licked my lips and swallowed. "Mom. Why was I adopted?" I sighed. "Why did they give me up, Mom?"

She was silent for a moment. I could practically feel how she turned cold. "It's time, isn't it?"

I nodded, not that she would see, "Yeah. I...I need to know."

"OK...How about we talk about that when you come here?" She asked.

"No. I...wanna know. I need to know." My voice cracked. "Or I won't be able to move on."

She's silent again…just for a moment. And I felt like I crossed a line.

But she spoke. I hadn't crossed any line.

"OK...Brianna? I just want you to know that I love you, and I always will. No matter what, I'll never stop loving you." Her own voice was cracking now. "When you came into my life, I never realised I could be so happy, how I felt when I met you. You were this...little light that brightened the dark...a reminder that life wasn't so bad. And I promised I'd give you the best life. I'd be the best parent you'd ever have." She paused again. And I knew she was crying. "Brie, it wasn't that your parents didn't want you. I'm sure they knew that they would have been the luckiest parents in the world." She was crying. "Brie. They...they went for a drive one night. And it was raining really bad. And they…"

She was silent. But I nodded slowly, my eyes just staring at the counter, glassy with tears. "I-I understand."

"I'm sorry, baby." She whimpered. "I should have told you this years ago. I...I didn't know it would affect you for this long. I'm such an idiot."

I held my forehead in my hand. "No. No, Mom. You're not. You had no idea." I sniffed.

"I know. I know. But I just...I...How do you tell a child something like that?"

"Don't worry about that, you idiot. I know now." One of the tears finally slid down my cheek. "I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Brianna."

I smiled, wiping the tear away. And then a quiet laugh escaped. "OK, I can't lie. I don't wanna leave you like this right now. Let's talk some shit or something."

She laughed in return. "God, you and your potty mouth."

#rpdr fanfiction #s10 #as5 #miz cracker #jujubee #blair st clair #blair x cracker #coming of age #hurt/comfort #lesbian au #high school au #angst #gimme love #grinder #tw mental health mentions

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fortunatelyhauntedblackcherry · 4 years ago

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Moonshine - A Beetlejuice Fanfiction 08

Warning: ANGST. With capital letters. So much trauma, anger, crying and death you guys. It was so hard for me to write, it was emotionally challenging, so it might do the same to some of you by reading it. There's also swearing in it.

Beetlejuice floated right through the wall between Rei's and Ari's room. He stretched his back with closed eyes and a huge smile, his bones cracking like dry branches in the wind.

- Oh babes you couldn't possibly imagine how happy I am right now! I heard a genuine scream coming my way! Ah man I haven't heard any of those in a decade, it sounded so... - Beetlejuice opened his eyes. The room was almost empty, only Sirius was inside. Couple of sewing patters were scattered on the floor, next to the already cut-out parts of a cornflower blue dress. BJ blinked at Ari's laptop; the podcast she was listening to has been stopped. - ...kinky. - he finished his sentence in a lowered voice.

He suddenly turned his head to the open window as he realized that a muffled voice came from outside. Sirius scuffled for a bit when he heard the noise and growled when Beetlejuice moved past him. The demon climbed out to the roof, following the noises. Ari was sitting at the farthest end, wrapped in an oversized dark green knitted cardigan. Beetlejuice almost called out to her, scolding her for disappearing when he had such great news but he stopped himself when he realized what the voices were. Ari was crying.

- Babes? - asked Beetlejuice, as he lowered his raspy voice. - What's going on? - Ari quickly turned to the demon's voice's direction. She had a used tissue in her hand. She quickly tried to cover her face with her hair but Beetlejuice saw what she was hiding. Her emerald eyes were all puffy and red, her nose was swollen and full-blooded too, and her lips looked like she didn't drink any water in a week. Her voice was cracking a bit as she started talking.

- Oh, it's nothing, Bug, just... - she beckoned with her hand. Beetlejuice heard as she tried to pull herself together. She let out a huge breath. - ...it's just my mental health issues. They're acting up again. - Beetlejuice stepped next to her as she cleared her throat. - Just gimme a sec, I'll be alright and you can tell me what you have done to my poor sister.

- Nonono, there's something wrong here. - he sat down next to Ari. Her legs were pulled close to her chest as she has enclasped them. She put her chin on her knees, showing as little of her face as she could. - You had a bad day last week when your anxiety was thriving. This is not like that. - Ari smiled lightly. Her wet eyelashes juddered, which made them glisten in the beams of moonlight.

- You really got to know me in the past couple weeks, didn't you?

- Yeah, that... and you also made me sit through 13 episodes of Therapy, which is an awful series by the way, so I'm basically a mind-scientist now. - Ari snorted while she let out a small, sad laugh. - So tell Doctor B, what's going on here, patient number one? - Ari let go of her knees and huffed out. She let her legs dangle off of the roof. She didn't look at Beetlejuice's direction, she just watched the darkness pass by under her feet.

- I... I got to know why do I hear you.

Beetlejuice scrowled and shook his head.

- I'm not following, please explain why does that makes you sad? I thought you wanted to know... - he stopped as Ari rubbed her temples and sighed. She kept her eyes closed while she was talking.

- B., of course I wanted to know! I wanna help, don't think otherwise, it's just... - she clenched her jaw, swallowed her saliva then continued. - The memories. They make me so goddamn angry and sad at the same time.

- I don't get it. - Beetlejuice sounded clueless. He didn't really know what she was talking about. As Ari clicked with her tongue, Beetlejuice moved closer to her and leaned even closer to her ear. His voice was as raspy as always, but he sounded much more sweet and kind. Almost gentle. - Maybe... Talking will help. I don't know, Dr. Phil says it does a lot. - Ari opened her eyes and breathed out. Her breath was jerky.

- The podcast I was listening to, you know, the one about the extraspecial demons, well... - Beetlejuice looked down at Ari's hands. She was sinking her nails into her fingertips. She must have been doing this for at least an hour, since some already left dark purple marks on her fingerpads. Beetlejuice put his hand over Ari's. The cold air made the girl shiver a bit but it also made her stop. - The show started with the hosts talking about how they invited a parapsychologist into the show so he could tell the audience interesting things about demons generally before they start to talk about the different types. So the guy said really interesting stuff, hands down, it really was good, but then he said that after a certain type of trauma, some people develop a weird... "ability". - she used her hands to emphasize the word then let them fall onto her lap again. She sighed. - Do you want to hear the long story of why do I hear you, or the short version? - Beetlejuice flinched his eyes.

- I prefer long and thick things so give it to me, baby. - Ari didn't react to his joke. She'd didn't even smile. She looked like she was was collecting her strength. After a couple minutes of silence, she finally started to speak.

- Bug, have you ever seen how my abdomen looks?

That was a sudden question.

- No? - he said in a kind of shy voice. He didn't wanna upset her more. She seemed just as miserable as furious. - You said no croptops until it's at least 30 °C... Why? - Ari breathed in and layed a bit back. She started to roll her olive t-shirt up on her belly.

Beetlejuice gasped and held his palm before his mouth. The tips of his hair started to turn into red and purple at the same time.

- Who... Who did that to you?!? - Beetlejuice held his hand above the three scars that Ari had on her abdomen. They were shapeless, with rigged edges and at least 5 centimeters long each.

- They've been with me since I was 17. - she sniffled a bit as she let her shirt down. She pulled one of her knees close to her chest again, and put her elbow up on it. - Don't worry, I already got used to them. I don't love them, but they're stuck with me so... - she sighed and look at Beetlejuice's direction. - You sure you wanna hear this story? I might cry. I might get furious and start screaming. You wouldn't like either.

- It's true that nothing is sexier than laughing and screaming of terror, but I'd surely get hard, seeing you deranged with anger. - Ari snorted at the demon's arousing voice. He actually just tried to cover up the fact that all he wanted was to kill whoever did that, and then hug the girl tight.

- Get ready for a love story that is basically horror at best... The kind where the hero still... Gets broken in the end. - she sighed and looked up at the stars. - This fucked up story starts half a year before I got my scars. I started dating a guy named... - she gulped and closed her eyes. - Matthias. - she opened her eyes with a sigh. - Gods, I hate to say his name out loud. It makes me wanna gag. It was a teenage love, I didn't see or didn't want to see his faults and I totally fell head over feet for him. You know what I'm talking about, right?

- Totally. - he had no clue.

- So you know, it was fun in the beginning. He was older than me, so nice and funny. He escorted me basically everywhere, and it just felt so good to be with him. - she sighed. - I thought that he was just worried when he told me I shouldn't go to a party with my friends cause "the world is filled with creeps", but later I realized that he was just simply possessive. - she sighed, sounding annoyed, and looked straight into the darkness of the night. - I started feeling anxious because of him when he started to tell me where could I go and what could I wear. "That's too showing, you can show that much skin only to me!" - she said in a mimicking voice. Then her face turned so dark so quickly. - He told me that if I wasn't acting nice, or behave, or do exactly as he says, that would make him look bad before his friends and a good girlfriend wouldn't want that. Shit, man, we've been together for 4 months only but I was so unstable because of him and massive bullying in school that I turned out to be an anxious wreck. - she clicked her tongue, got up and started to walk up and down, her bare feet tapping on the roof. - We went out one day, and during our "date" he repeatedly told me how I was not smart enough, pretty enough, ENOUGH, and he was with me just because no one else would want me. After he dropped me off at home, I started crying my heart out to my mom. - her eyes got teary again, but there was so much anger in her voice. - Gods she's such a wonderful woman. She taught me how to be brave, how to be strong enough to be myself. And at that moment she made me realize how I'm starting to lose my badass, weird but awesome self because of this stupid cabrón! - she kicked the air. Her breathing was so fast, and her body was radiating so much heat it could almost warm Beetlejuice up. She breathed out with a sigh. - Shit, I must look like a crazy person. Excuse me. I sometimes use spanish words when I'm experiencing a strong feeling. Multilingual things. Cabrón means...

- Pendejo, fucker, asshole, I know. - that sudden cut-in brought Ari down back to earth quickly. She knitted her eyebrows. - I had an argentinian girlfriend who taught me a bit spanish. I can cuss just perfectly. - he tried to sound calm. He really did. But oh boy he was not. The way the emotions changed on Ari's face made him remember some of his past traumas, and that made him feel a lot of different things at the same time. And he was also furious at this asshole of an ex.

Ari sat down again. She breathed out to calm herself down. After a minute of frozen silence, the demon started to talk.

- This whole thing is fucked up, you know. The whole being told what to do and where to go and how to look... - said Beetlejuice in a low manner. His raspy voice sounded... sad? He cleared his throat, even though, being dead, he didn't have to, it just felt good. - I'll totally regret this, but since we're doing this overly honest heartfelt shit that I normally hate, and I'm very much irritated by it, let me tell ya... - he looked at Ari as his hair turned more purple. - I can relate to you. My mother did the same shit to me. She made me feel worthless, a piece of shit that didn't deserve any love. - he sighed and looked up at the moon. He chuckled a bit, his voice went back from soft to normal quickly. - Dear God slash Satan, your emotional bullshit is contagious, Ari. I gotta stop hanging out with you.

Ari smiled lightly.

- You couldn't. You love chilling with me. - the demon scretched his stubbles and let out a tiny laugh.

- True. I'm hooked on that fine ass of yours. - Ari laughed a bit. She looked where Beetlejuice's voice came from previously, and held out her hands.

- You know, I wouldn't really feel it, it won't exactly be a real hug, but if you want to... - Beetlejuice didn't let this opportunity go, he basically jumped into Ari's embrace instantly. He almost fell over her body, and he couldn't really wrap his hands around her, but being this close felt so good. Ari's body radiated so much heat and hearing her heart pitter-patter inside her chest made him forget how she didn't even see him. They both smiled. - Thanks for telling me a bit about your origin story. I know it's hard to talk about these kind of shits.

Beetlejuice let Ari go and sit back a bit, still staying close to the girl. She let her hands down.

- I'm only this honest with you cause you told shit to me too. - the demon lowered his raspy voice. - But if you tell anyone about my problems, even though we are bffffs forever, I'll skewer you like a pig. Understood? - Ari swallowed and blinked nervously while nodding. Beetlejuice continued like he didn't say anything threatening. - Anyway, I still don't know why do you hear me. Are we getting there soon? - Ari nodded again and rubbed her cheek.

- Yeah, sure, buckle up for the worse part of the ride, buddy. - she cleared her throat. - When the next day I went over to his place to break up with him and to tell him that I belong to no one, and he doesn't have the right to tell me what to do, he hit me. He slapped me so hard that my cheek ripped up a bit. - she pulled her hair back a bit, revealing a tiny scar on her left cheekbone. - The next day he called me, told me that he's sorry and he didn't want to hurt me. I hang up on him quickly and got a new number the same day. I wanted him gone. But it didn't take him much time to get my new number. He called me a thousand times. But since I didn't answer, he started to follow me. Watching from the street while I was at school. Creeping around the studio I sang at. - she sniffled as her eyes started to get teary, but she quickly wiped them with the sleeve of her cardigan - You know, I called the cops. I told them everything. And they told me they couldn't do anything until he hurts me. - she chuckled in an annoyed way. She fuckin chuckled. - They didn't have to wait for that for so long.

- WHAT?! - shouted Beetlejuice which made Ari jump a bit. He jumped up in anger, the tips of his hair shining in bright red. - THOSE GUYS SHOULD TAKE CARE OF PEOPLE, NOT TELL THEM TO "GET FUCKIN HURT THEN WE'LL TALK"?!? - he squatted down next to Ari. - Let me guess, that son of a bitch ex of yours caused those fuckin scars?!?

-...yes... - said Ari with bated breath. Beetlejuice scraffed his fluffy hair and unshaven face. - I was walking home late from a rehearsal, mom was at work, and when I was already at our street, he stepped up to me out of nowhere, started to tell me how he's gonna change and after I pushed him, and told him to leave me alone since I fuckin hate him and I don't belong to him... He said that if I don't wanna belong to him, then I'll belong to no-one. And he... - tears started running down her cheeks. - Stabbed me. Again. And again.

- THIS... MOTHER FUCKER... - he bit his fist and started to babble. - I mean yeah sure I kinda get it I'm a bit possessive too, also creepy, but I'm pretty sure he could get an another hot goth chick and...

- HE KILLED ME, MAN! - screamed Ari into the abyss. Beetlejuice froze in his movement.

- W...What? - Ari sat still, hands covering her mouth. Beetlejuice squatted down next to her again. - Babes did I hear that right? - she shut her eyes and sighed. She let her hands go and stared down from the roof.

- Yes. - she said. Her voice was so weak. - A neighbor saw what happened and called the ambulance. I got rushed into hospital and... I went under surgery. They had to remove a part of my intestines asap... They got damaged from the stabs... And while I was knocked out... My heart decided to give up on me. And I died.

Beetlejuice sat down at the brim of the roof. He was shocked.

- I... suppose that's why you have a fixation with death? - he asked calmly. Ari shrugged and lifted her hands up.

- Partly... Other than the fact I was born on Halloween so it's basically in my blood... I think what really caused my obsession is that I remember every goddamn second of being dead. I remember seeing my body, covered in blood, and as I realized what was going on, I started panicking about how much more I wanted to do and how young I was to die. - she sighed with a light, not so real smile. She sounded so damaged. The demon could hear the pain in her voice. - 🎶And so, being young and dipt in folly, I fell in love with melancholy.🎶 - she looked at Beetlejuice's direction after she wiped her tears off with a tissue. - I was dead for 4 minutes before they brought me back. More or less. Looks like that's why I hear you. Many folks who die and come back develop this... "ability" to see or hear creatures from other dimensions. My special power is to hear demons, as it turns out. - she looked at the demon's direction. - Good for you I winded up in this house.

- I'm so happy about that. I couldn't ask for a better breather partner in crime in my dreams. - Ari heard in his voice that he was smiling. Oh if she could see his lightpink hairtips too... - What happened after? - asked Beetlejuice. Ari lifted her eyebrows a bit. - I mean, I hope the fucker got what he deserved and someone killed him. - Ari bit his lips in frustration, and sighed.

- Not exactly... At least he didn't got what I think he would have deserved. - she stretched out her legs. - While I was in the hospital for 8 months, on full-time mental and physical therapy by the way, I filed a report against him and got him arrested. I was so relieved... Then I heard he only got 3 years. - she fumbled through her hair. - Seriously, he fuckin put someone in intensive care for months and all he got was a couple of years then adiós, go on your fuckin way my man?! - she let out an angry growl. - Just because, and I quote, "he was young and could have a bright future", yes, that's what the jury said... - she huffed. - But the good thing is, right after he got out, he violated the restraining order that I got against him. He came to the house that Sofi, Rei, my mom and I lived in. You know, they moved in with us after I got out of the hospital because... For the first 5 or six months, I was afraid to go out without company. So my sisters helped a lot. They even kind of made me forget how my friends left me, because "I was acting overdramatic and why couldn't I just forget and be happy". - Beetlejuice raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

- The fuck is wrong with people... - Ari let out an annoyed chuckle.

- Oh my man, most of them are awful fellas. After this, I didn't even care that I missed my prom. - she swallowed her saliva and leaned back so she could gaze the stars. - So yeah, back to the subject, that pendejo came to our house in the middle of the night and demanded my mom to take him to me cause he wanted to say sorry because he missed me so much and wanted us to start a new chapter. - Ari rubbed her temples. - The police acted quickly this time and put him into jail for 3 more years. - she sighed. - Not that I think that's enough... But it was enough for us to find a new home and move away from him, as far as we could.

Beetlejuice waddled closer to her, and layed down as well.

- You know what's the weirdest thing about you, scarecrow? - Ari chuckled.

- Besides the fact that my best buddy is a demon? - BJ laughed a bit too. - No idea, Bug.

- That you're so full of life, and so goddamn annoyingly positive. If you wouldn't tell me, I wouldn't know you had so much shit to deal with. - Ari put her hands up in the air while shrugging.

- Look, I already know how does it feel to die. By the time I turned 19, I decided I'd try how does it feel to be alive. And when I'm not a mess, oh boy, it's so much fun! - Beetlejuice turned to his side and looked at the girl.

- You’re not a mess babes, you’re a... spicy disaster! - Ari laughed. It was so nice to hear that adorable laugh again. BJ looked straight into her emerald eyes that were gleaming in the moonlight. - You know, doll, I'm really sorry for creeping around. If I would've known, I... - he shut up as Ari gestured with her hand.

- You didn't know. It's alright. I hate being followed, but you're so goddamn chatty that it doesn't feel creepy at all. Plus, you're not human, which makes me more comfortable. It's somehow nice to have you weirdo around.

For a couple of minutes, they just laid there, both watching the stars. It was so peaceful, but something still bugged Beetlejuice and he just couldn't let it go.

- Hey, babes? - Ari turned her head to his direction.

- Yeah?

- If he ever finds you, can I kill your ex-boyfriend?

#alex brightman #beetlegeuse #beetlejuice #beetlejuice fanfiction #beetlejuice oc #beetlejuice the musical #fanfic #fanfiction #lawrence beetlejuice shoggoth #musical!beetlejuice #beetlejuice broadway

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fluffyunicornofdanger · 6 years ago

Text

Living a Little

Author’s Note: This has taken sooooooo much work because I had the hardest time coming up with a plotline but I finally figured it out. I plan on turning this into a series with probably five parts. And I just want to thank @rogertaylorsbitontheside and @waymorecake4me for helping me with this. I probably wouldn’t have posted it without both of your help. I don’t know, I’ll just have to see where it goes when it comes to making it a series. This is my first John Deacon fic so it might not be that great. Feedback on it would be amazing and I’ve decided to do headcanons, so send in requests. And I don’t know how much I will be posting this week as my school blocked tumblr. Something I’m so HAPPY about. Anyway, I hope you guys like it.

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Masterlist

70s!John Deacon x Reader

Part 1 of maybe 5?

Part 1/Part 2/ Part 3/ Part 4/ Part 5

Summary: You get dragged out of your comfort zone by your roommate, even though she knows you never go out, due to your studies, to a rock concert. Of all places. But maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all, when you met a very interesting, certain bassist. And he just so happens to find you interesting too.

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: None, except that it’s written in 3rd person

“Why aren’t you dressed?” Y/n’s roommate asked, entering the living room where Y/n sat on the sofa surrounded by notebooks, her textbook in front of her. Alice wasn’t that surprised, Y/n wasn’t one for outings... Much like the one they were supposed to take.

Y/n shrugged, the answer obviously right in front of her.

“Oh no,” she stated, coming over to her roommate. She quickly snatched the book out of Y/n’s reach, closing it on a page about the different blood types. With her hand on her hip, she shook her head at the girl in front of her.

Y/n looked like a wreck. Her hair was pinned against her head from the night before and she hadn’t even changed out of the t-shirt and shorts that she’d worn to bed. She was too wrapped up in studying to even think about doing anything else; however, Alice wasn’t having it. Y/n was stressed, whether she was willing to admit it or not, and it was way past time for her to get out of the house and go somewhere besides work or class. She needed a break and if she wasn’t going to give herself one, then Alice was going to force her to. “You’re going to go and get dressed and brush your hair-” She pointed to her bedroom. “-and we are going to that concert. No ifs, ands, or buts. You’re going whether you like it or not.”

Y/n groaned, pushing a piece of hair out of her face. She knew it was no use arguing. Alice always got her way. She never backed down from anything and Y/n knew that this time it was no different. She didn’t want to go to the concert, she’d made that very clear before Alice had purchased the tickets, but she knew that she would end up being dragged if that’s what it took to get her there. Pushing herself off the sofa, she gathered up her notes and placed them on the coffee table before heading to her room.

“What do you even wear to a rock concert?” she asked herself, looking at the clothes hanging in her wardrobe. She’d never been to a rock concert before and wasn’t sure what to expect. Y/n had always loved music, being able to play both the guitar and piano and managing the violin, but she never really listened to much music. She would rather play it than listen to it, as it was often a distraction when she was trying to do work. And most of the records she owned were classical or instrumental, not something that most people would want to listen to.

Y/n grabbed a striped long sleeve shirt that tied at the bottom and a pair of trousers before heading to the bathroom to clean herself up and brush her hair. It didn’t matter to her what she was wearing as she had no plans on going to another concert anytime soon. And it wasn’t like anyone would want to talk to her. Everyone seemed to look past her to catch Alice’s eye, so it’s not like she was going to meet anyone.

Twenty minutes later, her roommate was tapping her foot impatiently at the front door. Glancing at her watch, she let out a sigh. “Y/n, if you don’t hurry up we’ll have to fight our way to the front!”

Y/n shook her head as she emerged from her room, fixing the knot where her shirt was tied. “I think our eardrums would give out on us, so I think I’m doing us both a favor,” she smiled, grabbing her coat off a chair in the kitchen and her wallet off the counter before heading to the front door.

Walking to the door, her roommate smiled at her. It was the first time in days that she looked less miserable than normal. Alice knew how hard Y/n was working towards her degree, but she also knew that all that work probably wasn’t doing her any good. It had made late nights and little sleep normal for her, causing dark bags under her eyes in the mornings. Y/n finally looked a little more alive and Alice hoped that the concert would help even more.

Spinning around to show off her outfit, Y/n asked, “How do I look? Do you think this is acceptable for a rock concert?” A nervous smile crept onto her face, waiting for an answer.

A laugh slipped past Alice’s lips. She needed to get out more. “You look lovely, darling. It’s perfect really.”

With that, the two slipped out the door and made their way to where the concert was being held.

For a band that she had never heard of, Y/n was shocked to see so many people squished together in the concert hall. They had arrived a little late, so the band had already started their set. There were groups of people dancing together and at the front of the stage, where Alice had wanted them to be, were a bunch of girls. From what Y/n could tell, they didn’t look like they would move for anyone. Her roommate swayed on her heels to the song that was playing as she led them to a bar at the back of the room.

Ordering them both a beer, Alice turned to Y/n, seeing her fiddle with her hands, something she always did when she was nervous. Alice hated it, but at least it was better than biting her nails, something her sister did that drove her crazy. “Don’t be nervous. Try and enjoy yourself, would ya?”

“You know I didn’t want to come,” Y/n stated, taking a seat on a bar stool. She turned to look at the stage, watching as the lead singer danced around with his microphone stand in hand. “I have a lot of work to do and this-” She gestured to the crowd around her. “-is not going to help me get it done.”

Alice rolled her eyes. “Try not to be a bore, Y/n. Just one night. That’s all I’m asking for.” The bartender returned with their beer, setting them in front of the two women. “Thank you,” Alice said before turning her attention back to her friend. “You need to live a little, that’s all I’m saying. Working hard is great, but working as hard as you have been can’t be good for your health.” Stepping away from the bar, Alice grabbed her beer, “You should know that,” she pointed out, “as you’re the one going into the medical field.”

Before she could even get a word in, Alice had disappeared into the crowd. Y/n turned to her beer, taking a sip, it seemed that she was going to be by herself for a good portion of the night.

Alice had a good point, though.

Y/n needed to live a little. She needed to do more than work, more than school. She needed to go for strolls around the park near their flat and be social instead of coup herself up in her flat and study all day. She needed to do a whole lot more than what she was doing.

Even though she enjoyed her studies, she knew that her mental health was suffering from all the stress she was being put through. Well, that she was putting herself through. But it’s not like there was much she could about it. She had little money because her income was divided between paying the rent and paying her tuition and then, what was left of it went towards necessities. Concerts weren’t one of those necessities. And it wasn’t like she could take much time off of work, money made the world go round and that’s what fueled her life.

But either way, her mental health should have been one of those necessities. She couldn’t remember the last time she had spent a night out. It had probably been her first year of University, which was probably her best. Then she wasn’t struggling with the material or with paying for anything because her parents were kind enough to pay her tuition for her. But they got divorced, something everyone saw coming, and they no longer had the money or the heart to pay for her studies, so it was left up to Y/n.

When the music was over and the band had taken their exit, Alice returned to the bar, a little spring in her step and a man trailing behind her. “Y/n!”

Y/n turned to where she thought the voice came from, her third beer in her hand. “Alice?”

Stopping in front of her with a smile on her face, Alice almost tumbled over. The music and atmosphere seemed to have seeped into her bloodstream, intoxicating the girl. “God, I love this band!” she half shouted. “Anyway, this is Ryan,” she gestured to the man behind her, he gave Y/n a small wave. “Ryan and I are going to go back to his place. So, don’t get drunk, talk to strangers, or get lost on the way home.”

Y/n couldn’t help but let out a little laugh at Alice’s tiny speech. She acted more like a mother to her than Y/n’s own mother.

“Okay,” Y/n let out, a little shocked by how quickly her friend was out of sight. It didn’t faze her, though, that she was leaving with someone else, it was something she did often. Alice was ten times more outgoing than Y/n was or would ever be. She had a way of making friends without even saying much. Maybe it was her body language or the glimmer that was always in her eyes. People just liked her. It probably had something to do with how much energy she possessed at all times. Something Y/n wished she had when it came to late nights of studying.

Finishing off her beer, she slid off the bar stool and followed the last few people in the room out the door. Before she could get very far, a voiced called to her. Turning on her heels, Y/n smiled when she saw one of her classmates. “Devin! What are you doing here?” she walked up to the man that was standing on the stage that she was unable to see clearly during the show.

“I’m a sound tech for the band,” he told her, smiling from where he stood above her. “What are you doing here? I wasn’t aware that you came to things like this?”

She didn’t know too much about him, but Devin had been a great help when it came to material that she didn’t understand. But she had thought that he worked as a bartender at a pub near the school. Perhaps he did both. Or maybe she hadn’t been listening too well.

Y/n laughed. He wasn’t the only one that thought that. “I don’t but my roommate dragged me along only to leave me behind.”

Devin nodded, turning to grab a red guitar that sat in a stand. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, don’t be,” she waved it off. She really didn’t mind being alone. “Do you want any help?”

He shook his head, “You don’t have to Y/n, really.”

“No, I insist. I’ve got nothing to go back to except class work.”

“Alright, you wanna grab that guitar?” he asked, pointing to a guitar on the other side of the drums. Y/n nodded, stepping up onto the stage and walking over to it. “Unplug it and we’ll go put these in their cases.”

Y/n grabbed the guitar, unplugging it from the speaker behind it before following behind Devin. Now having been away from her work for a few hours, she realized how much she didn’t want to go back to it. Being away from it was like a breath of fresh air.

“Don’t you play guitar?” he asked, turning back to her as they walked down a hallway.

Y/n nodded, raising a brow, “Yeah, I don’t play that often though.” She wasn’t sure when she had shared that information but it was probably during a late-night study session when neither were fully awake. But when was she ever fully awake?

“That’s a shame,” Devin noted, stopping in front of a door with a Rolling Stones poster taped to it. Opening the door, he gestured for Y/n to enter with him following behind her. The room didn’t have much in it besides a sofa, coffee table, and two guitar cases that were lying on the floor. Devin set the guitar in his hands down on the sofa as he grabbed the cases, putting one on the coffee table and picking the guitar up from the sofa and placing the other in its spot. “You should play something,” he turned to her, pointing at the guitar in her hand.

Blood rushed to her cheeks as she shook her head. “No. I can’t, Devin. This isn’t my guitar and I don’t want to upset its owner.” Which really meant that she was out of practice and a chicken when it came to be in the spotlight.

He laughed, opening the case on the sofa and gently set the red guitar in it. “You act like it’s an animal or something.” He shook his head. “I don’t think it’s owner will be too upset over it.”

Before Y/n could respond, a tall, skinny man with a head of black curly hair entered the room just as Devin closed the guitar case. “Hey, Brian, do you think John would be alright if Y/n here played a song on his guitar?”

Y/n rolled her eyes, walking over to the case on the coffee table and opening it. “You’ve yet to ask me if I’d be alright with playing a song on his guitar.”

And the answer was no. She was not alright with it.

He swat her comment aside, waiting from Brian’s answer.

“Um… I don’t know. I don’t think he’d die over it,” the man thought out loud, his curls bouncing around his face as he tilted his head in thought.

Nodding, Devin turned to Y/n just as she was about to put the guitar in its case. “Great! Go ahead and play something then.”

Y/n glared at him for a minute, wishing that she hadn’t offered to help him. Seeing as there was no way out of it, she slipped the strap over her head, letting it rest on her shoulders. She wasn’t used to playing in front of people other than her family and Alice, who’d forced her too on many occasions, so it took her a minute to think of a song that she was confident with.

Pulling herself together, she ran her fingers over the strings, the contact filling the room with a sound other than everyone’s breathing. She quickly started playing Happy Together by the Turtles, Devin mumbling the lyrics.

Running her fingers over the strings relaxed her. It brought about a wave of relief that she hadn’t felt since the school year started. Even though she was nervous, playing in front of two people that she considered strangers, she felt light as air.

Focused on playing the right cords, Y/n didn’t notice the guitar’s owner leaning against the door frame. The man tapped his foot in time with the music, mesmerized by the way she played, how she held herself, how she ran her fingers over the cords. He’d heard the song before, but the way she played… there was just something about it that he couldn’t put his fingers on.

Or maybe it was something about her?

She looked calm, her y/e/c orbs sparkling under the lights, and the man couldn’t help but smile. The woman looked as if she’d been playing for years, looking as comfortable as he or Brian did during a show. But that wasn’t it. That wasn’t the thing that drew him to her, telling his brain to study her features, the way her head bobbed a little in time with the music, how her nails grazed over the strings, careful not to get caught.

There was just something about her and he had to figure it out.

Finishing the song, Y/n looked up at Devin who grinned back at her. “There you go,” she said sliding the strap over her head and putting the guitar in its case. “And I’m never offering to help you again,” she stated in fear that he would make her play some other instrument.

A hand flew to his chest as if he’d been struck, “Wow, that hurt. It’s not like it killed you or anything.”

“That was lovely, Y/n” Brian smiled at her before turning to Devin. “Freddie wants to talk to you about something with the microphone.”

Devin gave Y/n a small smile as he followed Brian out of the room.

“That was really lovely,” a voice said from the door, causing Y/n to jump, shutting the guitar case in the process and almost catching her fingers in it. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Y/n turned to the door to see a man with long brown hair and red cheeks give her an apologetic smile. She smiled back at him, “It’s alright. It’s my fault for not seeing you there.”

“So… um… you play,” he gestured to the guitar case in front of her. Y/n nodded, locking the case. “Well, you play really well.”

“Oh, no. Believe me, I don’t. Not as well as others,” she assured him, thinking of the men that played at the show earlier.

Stepping closer to her, he extended his hand, “I’m John, by the way. John Deacon. Queen’s bassist”

Y/n grasped his hand, giving it a firm shake. “Y/n Y/l/n.”

So it was his guitar that she had played.

Glancing down at her watch, Y/n let out a sigh. It was 12:30 and she had to be up early for work. Working as a receptionist at a clinic was an easy job, at least that’s what Y/n thought when she first took the job. But she was wrong. Her boss was less than friendly and expected the best out of everyone, which she saw nothing wrong with, but no ounce of the man was understanding. He probably wouldn’t care if you dropped dead as long as you came in at your scheduled time. “I’ve gotta go, but it was nice to meet you, John,” she said with a smile.

“Let me walk you out,” he offered. Y/n nodded with a smile as he led her out of the small room, his hair whipping behind him. “Did you enjoy the show?”

Fiddling with her fingers, Y/n followed the man through the hallway and out into the concert hall. “Surprisingly, I did.” It amazed her that only a few hours before, she hadn’t wanted to be there. She thought she would be miserable, being among a crowd that she was unfamiliar with. “How long have you been with the band?” she asked to break the silence that had come over them as they walked towards the door.

He shrugged, “Not that long, really. The band was already formed when I joined.”

“But you enjoy it?”

“Yeah, I do. I mean, Roger and Freddie can be difficult sometimes, but they’re like my brothers at this point,” he told her as they neared the door.

“That must be nice,” Y/n commented as John opened the door for her, exposing them both to the chill of the midnight air. There were a few people out at that hour, mainly those helping the band pack up. Y/n turned to John who had been watching her survey their new surroundings. “Well, it was nice to meet you, John.”

He nodded, a small blush covering his cheeks. “Yeah, and it was nice to hear you play my guitar.”

“Bye, John,” she waved at him as she started down the pavement. Y/n wrapped her arms around herself, walking in the direction of her flat. She was almost glad that Alice had gone home with someone else. If she hadn’t, maybe she wouldn’t have met John and there was just something about him that seemed inviting. Whatever it was didn’t make her heart skip a beat or cause her cheeks to redden, it just pulled on her heartstrings. Whatever it was made her want to continue talking to him but at the same time brought about nerves that she’d never had to deal with before. Well… not since she was a teenager.

Unbeknownst to Y/n, John was feeling the same thing as he watched her walk into the cold London night. There was just something about her that left him wanting more. And maybe if he hadn’t agreed to go to an after party with Roger and Freddie, he probably would have walked Y/n home, if she was willing.

But there was just something about that girl.

Even though he had only known her for a few minutes, his brain was telling him that he wanted to know her for a lifetime. Maybe it was love at first sight, maybe it wasn’t. The bassist wasn’t even sure if he believed in such a thing, but he believed in finding out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Let me know if you wanna be tagged in the other parts.

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cake-writes · 6 years ago

Text

Lifeline (Part Two)

Pairings: Rebekah x Reader // eventual Elijah x Reader // eventual Kol x Reader // eventual Klaus x Reader (it’s gonna be a literal train wreck, folks)

Chapter Warnings: Alcohol Abuse / Alcoholism, Mental Health Issues, 18+

Lifeline Master List // Spotify Playlist

When you woke the following afternoon, you felt like you’d been hit by a truck. You couldn’t remember a thing from the day before, not where you’d gone, nor what you’d done or even how you’d ended up back in your own bed. Judging by the fresh tracks on your forearm, you’d shot up again. That wasn’t a surprise. It certainly made sense that you couldn’t remember.

The real mystery was how you’d ended up with some random guy’s suit jacket. When you checked the label, you found that it was an Armani. Jesus, the thing was worth more than your rent. Holding it up to your nose, you inhaled, taking in the oddly comforting scent of cologne. The smell unfortunately didn’t spark a single memory, but for the first time in years, you felt like a weight had been lifted from your chest.

You felt hope.

The feeling was short-lived, however, because once night fell, you needed another fix. This time it wasn’t because you were miserable – mentally, anyway – but because your body was a complete wreck. The winter weather certainly didn’t help at all, the cold thoroughly seeping into your bones as you walked along Bourbon Street to your favourite nightclub, The Room, to score. You'd tried to resist the temptation, but predictably you failed.

You’d dressed more appropriately tonight, with a black beanie atop your head and a warm leather jacket wrapped around your body. Some part of you must have recalled that you’d been freezing cold last night. It was a mere scrap of memory compared to the events that must have unfolded, but maybe in time you’d remember more.

A sudden call of your name caught your attention, and you looked over to see your good friend Josh waving at you from across the street. After checking both ways, you crossed over to say hello. It had been a few weeks since you’d seen him last, but that wasn’t really unusual. He liked to party just as much as you did.

“How are things?” you asked him with a grin, holding out your hand for a fist bump.

“Oh, you know, the usual.” He bumped your fist with his, and then you both made an exploding motion paired with some ridiculous sound effects like you always did. Laughing at how stupid you both were, he added, “Hey, you seem good. Ish.”

You shrugged, shoving your hands into your pockets. “Yeah, things are looking up for me. I must've gotten some last night.”

Josh gave you a mock-surprised expression. “Oh? Do tell.”

You shook your head, smiling, and held out your crooked elbow to him. You’d both been heading in the same direction, so it made sense to walk together. “You know I’d give you all the dirty details if I could remember.”

He snorted, linking his arm in yours as you started to walk. “Wish I could say I don’t get it, but, well, you know me.”

That was when you remembered the expensive suit jacket you’d forgotten at home, the only link to your activities the night before, and you mentally cursed. You’d been planning to pawn it tonight for some extra cash. Oh well, you could just do it tomorrow. Now that Josh was here, you knew he'd cover you for the evening and to further satisfy his curiosity, you offered him the only detail you knew about your mysterious would-be lover: “He wears a suit. Armani. It’s weird, right?”

“Definitely weird,” Josh agreed. “Not your type at all.” Even weirder was the fact that some guy who could afford Armani would be interested in you, the junkie that you were, but neither you nor Josh touched on that. Instead, he ventured, “What are your plans for tonight? The Room?”

You frowned. “Am I that obvious?”

He knew as well as you did that The Room was one of the best places in town to get a fix, and he gave you a look – the look. It was Josh’s signature judgemental look that you absolutely despised. “You’re kind of… fidgety.”

Josh’s observation caught you off-guard. You hadn’t realised it at all. A quick look down at yourself confirmed that your fingers weren’t in your pockets anymore, but toying absently with the zipper of your jacket.

“I’m doing okay,” you reassured him, sticking your hands back into your pockets. “Just jonesing a little.”

“You’ve gotta stop with that shit. Just drink yourself to death like I do.”

“I would,” you mused thoughtfully, “Except I’m broke, and alcohol is even more expensive than my, uh... hobby.”

“But safer,” he reminded you. “Not a whole lot, but still. I worry.”

“I’m fine,” you told him again, a bit more defensively this time, and you winced at how harshly it came out. Maybe he was right, that you did need to stop. The Room was just up ahead, now, so you suggested, “Buy me a drink and maybe I’ll think about it.”

Josh rolled his eyes as you entered the nightclub together. He'd heard your promises before.

This time, however, you actually meant it.

A few hours passed and you were absolutely trashed. Whatever plans Josh must have had – if any – had disappeared in favour of partying with you like old times. You both drank so much that anything else just went down like water, and thankfully it distracted you from your next fix.

Now it was around three in the morning, and the two of you were stumbling down Bourbon Street again. Upon leaving The Room, you’d first been considering a pub crawl, but you were both pretty wasted so instead you went to a nearby park to cool off.

“Hey,” Josh slurred, flopping down on a park bench. “Why do you do it?”

You half-stumbled, half-fell down into the empty spot next to him, and somehow your head came to rest in his lap. You peered up at him suspiciously. “Do what?”

“Shoot up.” When he felt you stiffen, he asked lightly, “Isn’t this fun enough?”

Feeling defensive, you pulled up your sleeve to show him the red welts on your arm. “What, this doesn’t look fun to you?”

Josh frowned at your tone, eyeing the marks for a moment before he gave you a concerned look. “Doesn’t it hurt?”

“Sure, it does." You dropped your arms back onto your stomach. “But the rush… It’s so good, Josh. It makes me feel alive.”

Josh studied your face for another moment before he shrugged. “Okay. Your funeral.”

"Ha, maybe.”

A couple of minutes passed in silence as you both looked up at the dark sky. The moon was still so full and bright, and the stars glimmered beautifully. It was unfortunate that thick, fluffy clouds obscured a large portion of them tonight; it looked like it might rain. You hated the rain.

“Wanna see something cool?”

At Josh's sudden question, your eyes shifted from the moon to his face, and your brows furrowed when he bit into his wrist. “What are you—”

Then he pushed his wrist against your mouth, and you couldn’t help but cough down a couple mouthfuls of his blood, unable to push him away. He was too strong, not quite the Josh you knew.

In an instant, the hairs on the back of your neck stood on end and your entire body began to flush and tingle. When he pulled his wrist away, you sputtered angrily, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. “What the hell was that?”

He gave you a sheepish grin and nodded to your arm. “Look.”

You watched as the red marks on your forearm began to slowly heal, and then they faded into nothing, leaving clear, unblemished skin behind. First, you rubbed your eyes blearily, thinking that you might have been hallucinating; but when your arm stayed fully healed you realised that it wasn’t a hallucination.

That was when you shot straight up off of the bench, screeching, “What the fuck, Josh?”

“Surprise,” he said, holding his hands up defensively, like you were about to hit him.

Predictably, you shoved him hard in the chest, slamming him into the backrest of the bench as you hissed, “When were you turned?”

“When—holy shit, you know?”

Crossing your arms, you let out an irritated sigh. “It’s kind of hard not to know when you’ve got witchy friends in the Quarter. They're all basically under house arrest, thanks to your kind.”

"Yeah, no, that's got nothing to do with me." At your skeptical look, he added, "Promise.”

You eyed him for another moment, and when you decided that he was being honest, you slowly, hesitantly took a seat next to him again. Your body was tense as you sat yourself on the edge of the bench, this time, ready to run at a moment's notice.

"Things were already pretty bad by the time I was…" He paused and shook his head. "It's been pretty lonely, you know? I miss the sunlight."

"No wonder you're so pale," you teased. When he gave you a sad smile, you bumped his shoulder with yours. "Some of them can go out during the day, right? So why don't you?"

"They've all got daylight rings. Gotta be high up on the food chain to get one."

You made a soft sound of acknowledgement, before a drop of rain landed on your cheek.

"Of course it's raining," you grumbled, getting back onto your feet. Well, this conversation had been enlightening - and sobering. Another drop landed on your forehead, and you offered Josh your hand. "I'll see what I can do."

When he took your hand, you pulled him up. He held onto your hand for a moment longer than necessary, and gave you a wary look. "Be careful, okay? Don't get yourself killed."

You grinned. "Hey, you know me."

Josh grimaced, slinging a casual arm around your shoulders as the pair of you left the park and took cover under a shop awning. That was the problem – he did know you, and you were anything but careful.

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sitinthelight · 5 years ago

Text

I have a few people that I need to message back...I’ve done a lot of self isolating since moving back to Wilson. It’s been an adventure, these past 2 months.

I’ve also started physical journaling so that’s kind of quenched my need to be on tumblr. I bought a bunch of colorful pens so getting to switch between colors mid sentence has been a joy.

A month ago, I was so fucking stressed. Terrified. No idea what was happening in my life. I started a job at Target because they were the only ones who responded quick enough (cause I have bills to pay) and that was...an ordeal. Like, I appreciate their promptness and excitement to hire me but like, my mental health took such a hit working there. I have never hated working anywhere as much as I hated it there. I can’t put into words how miserable I was working at Target. Like, the work wasn’t even that hard, it was just tedious. So much effort put into something that was destroyed in seconds and the stress level was so fucking high. And they expected so much from me?! The visual merchandiser put in her notice and immediately came to me and was like, so I think you have what it takes to take my position. Let me know if you want me to train you. At that point, I was already preparing to put in my notice as well but hadn’t told anyone yet. But the only thing I could think about was the fact that I was the only person she came to and suggested the position to when there were employees who had been there literally for 15 years and knew way more than I did. All because I had a degree. All because I worked at Macy’s and H&M and apparently in Wilson, that means a lot. Wilson is this whole different environment, omg.

Target was a wreck. Like, so many of my coworkers were cool as hell but so many things bugged me and I just didn’t know if I could handle it for much longer.

BUT BLESSINGS HAPPEN. BB&T HIRED MY ASS. I quit Target and while I feel bad for ditching that ship after only a month of employment, it is so worth it.

I’ve been at BB&T for only 2 days but it is leagues better. So fucking amazing.

I’m on a salary! LIKE A LEGIT SALARY?!?! I already get my first pay check on the 31st and it’s only for 4 days but it’s more than I made at Target and Macy’s in a week?!?! I want to cry. I absolutely am just in shock.

It’s like 8 weeks of training. 5 weeks of classroom training and 3 weeks on the floor heavily supervised. Everyone who works here seem to love it? People grow quickly here. We get our own cubicles. For the first time in my life, I have a job where I can sit my ass down. I can do overtime if I want to make extra cash. I have so many benefits?!?! I CAN BUY MORE VACATION DAYS? LIKE WTF. I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH WITCHCRAFT. I CAN BUY AN EXTRA WEEK OF VACATION. They gave me 2 vacation days right off the bat for the rest of this year. I have really good insurance? Like, it’s insanely good so I can take my ass to therapy and maybe get medicated. I also have life insurance now?!

I have a real legitimate job that makes me feel good and this is something I’ve never experienced before. I am never going back to retail. Fuck retail. I can also keep my nose piercing?!? Which has been a whole ordeal because no one told me I could keep it and so much happened in one day to my poor nose.

So yesterday (Monday) was the first day of my new job. I used a retainer for my interview because it’s a bank? I never knew a bank that let you have facial piercings so I played it safe and even wore a cute as hell pink blazer.

So I figured I’d wear a retainer again until I could ask more questions on the dress code but I lost the original one I got so I went back to a really cool tattoo place downtown to buy a new one and they gave me a bone with a little ball at the end and omg. I couldn’t get it in my nose. I tried and I tried and I tried but it just wouldn’t go through because my hole is tiny and that ball at the end, was not. So I gave up and just accepted the fact that my 2 and a half year old piercing was probably going to close while I was at work. AND IT DID. THAT FUCKER CLOSED UP ON THE INSIDE LIKE NO ONE’S BUSINESS. I had just bought a ring too and was loving my new ring.

So I took my dumbass back to that tattoo shop and the guys there are amazing and fucking saints. They literally dropped what they were doing to save my nose. They were amazed that my hole closed so quickly for how old it was, but alas, after much poking around, they couldn’t get my ring in through either. So I had to get it tapered (basically repierced) and my god, it bleed more than it did the first time. It is still fucking bleeding. I’m back to a stud :( I miss my ring. But the guy said I could come back next week with it and he’ll see if I can get it safely switched out. But now I have to go through the whole healing process again with my stupid fucking nose for almost no reason because I can have a piercing at my new job all along. What a fucking day. I went to Walmart to run some errands while blood was still dripping out of my nose but you know, I’ve shopped at Walmart looking way worse.

BUT I MADE A FRIEND AT WORK????

She and her aunt sat right next to me and we immediately started to vibe. Like, joking the entire time. We both collect cameras. We both like Buffy. We have the same sense of humor. We both like anime and so many other things. We both just got out of 5 year relationships. And we are both desperate for human companionship. It’s a match made in heaven. Coincidentally, we also happen to be in the same team and shift so we’ll get to stay together after training. She moved from Texas and like her whole story is sad and I just want to show her the pathetic world of Wilson. She asked me if there were any good coffee shops in town. Like...what coffee shops? There is one downtown that’s always fucking closed cause their hours are weird and then there is starbucks. That’s basically it. Like, I’m in withdrawal from so many things living in Wilson. Anyway, I’m looking for a scrunchie to give to her tomorrow. I have the power of distributing scrunchies out to those who are unaware of their delights. My collection is massive and always growing because I am never going back to regular elastics.

Also...I was single for a minute. Literally a minute. My last few months have been the weirdest fucking rollercoaster and things are still kind of dodgy but I’m in a relationship again. However, it’s on the down low.

But I’m happy? For the first time in sooooooo long, I’m happy. I don’t know how long that will last for because SAD is about to hit me like a bitch as soon as it gets cold but for right now, I feel safe and okay in so many areas of my life. I’m actually forming relationships with coworkers? Like legit talking to people and forming bonds?!? The insanity. I have a secure job that pays so fucking well. A four day paycheck put me in shock. It made me realize I’ve been undervalued my entire retail career. Plus, if I stay with BB&T for 6 months, they’ll pay for school if I can relate it to banking and since the company is going through a billion changes and moving it’s headquarters to Charlotte, things may be lining up for me. I may find a way to transfer to another position in that direction, keep my awesome benefits, and not be in debt from school! I could cry!

I also adore my new relationship. Like, it’s not perfect and still a lot needs to develop before I can feel anywhere close to the same comfort I had in my last one, but that stuff takes time and we’re both committed to taking that time at our own pace. The distance does suck but it turns out, I really like driving.

Having my license is so freeing. I just can’t wait to get my car working and when I get my first full paycheck, I can do just that!

#personal #it's been a moment tumblr #I can't say I'm going to get on too often honestly #I haven't really missed this website

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the-mira-life-project-mtf · 6 years ago

Text

LGBT - CALLING AN H.R.T. CLINIC

My Transgender Journey

February was supposed to be the month I was looking forward to:

‘Call on the first, get the earliest appointment. Come prepared and prepare to live out my dream!’

However, 26 days went by and I played a cruel game of gamble. I had time to think deep about my decisions, weigh the consequences and dwell the many possibilities. I kept telling myself:

‘H.R.T. can’t switch your gender, it is DNA! All I would be doing is putting on organic prosthetic’s.’

I wanted this to go away, I wanted to forget that I ever looked at the possibility to transform my body into half-female half-male! The story of my life! On the 24th of February, I came close to dialing, but it was Saturday and I never call on Saturday to businesses. I did whatever I had to do to run away, I wasn’t confined to dwell in my thoughts and device...hell, it was snowing and that was the biggest distraction I could ever have! By the 26th of February, fate took a cruel turn as my cystic fibrosis landed my ass in the hospital and I thought to myself:

‘Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide...call the number and let’s get this over with...’

But I made up some lame excuse and by the time I had a change of heart, it was too late! They were closed!

The 27th dawned on a crummy day to match my crummy health...I was suffering...really sick! Virus is killing me, and I wish it was John Malkovich! By 1pm, I landed in bed, miserable and depressed. I took a shower and saw my body because my body failed me and made standing nearly impossible! I looked at my AA-cup breasts...a gift from odd biology and years on prednisone. I looked at my skin and thought:

‘If I was on H.R.T. these breasts would form correctly...they look like shield volcanoes of Hawaii! I might also have to shave only once a week instead every other day! How that would be nice!’

I closed my hospital room door thinking:

‘I am terrified of my parents...I can never do this at home! This is the best and worst time to do this!’

Back in bed before I kiss the floor, I take out my tablet and cellphone and find the number to Cedar River Clinics. I take a deep breath and punch in the numbers and shake my head thinking:

‘Do this and there is no turning back. Don’t do it and regret it forever! They will know my deepest secret and desires...maybe they can help me and put me on the correct path…’

Hit send, I can’t believe I am going through with the plan. I just pray no nurse walks in on my conversation! The phone cuts immediately to a receptionist and she sounds nice and helpful.

“Thank you for calling Cedar River Clinics, my name is Destiny, how may I assist you?”

“Hi Destiny, my name is David and I am calling in regard to setting up an appointment for H.R.T.” I say as I am calm and collective...last time I called I was stumbling over my words and incoherent.

“The hormone replacement therapy?” Destiny asks as she wonders if I am calling for an honest procedure or inquiry. Her voice still friendly.

“That is correct, H.R.T...” I say as Destiny goes through her files, hearing them crackle over the phone.

“Looks like the next opening is in April...” she says as she collects her thoughts. “It will be at the Tacoma office.”

My stomach does a flip flop and the words can’t come out. I am terrified! I force myself to reply. “Which day in April?” I ask as every last word is projected on breathless lips, sounding like: Which day in Apri....?

“The 12th.” she says to my joy. I have nothing on the 12th and my mom will be at work! Secrecy upheld!

“That will work!” I say, the last word barely squeaking out.

“It is at 8:30am in Tacoma...after the first appointment, you can choose your own clinic...”

“Tacoma works well!” I reply quickly, I had hoped to go to Tacoma as it was close to home and I will get to know the doctor taking care of me.

“So you want to schedule for that appointment?” she asks softly and cheerfully. I know that the next words will place me on the path.

“Yes please!” I say, matching her attitude. I swear my voice changed and my demeanor altered to something that is not me…it was a flutter!

“Okay David...” there is a pause as if she made a cardinal sin. “I am sorry, I should have asked, do you have a female name you go by?”

I choke up...I did not think this out all the way! I was not expecting this type of personal questions. What do I say? Think quickly! I am in anguish, one does not pick their name in a flash!

A name spoke to me in my female voice saying: Tell her Mira! Tell her that your name is Mira!

I love the name Mira; the word almost slipped out. It means so much to my character...it was my secret name…

(Mira is a feminine given name with varying meanings. In the Romance languages, it is related to the Latin words for ‘wonder’ and 'wonderful.’ In South Slavic languages, it means ‘peace’ and is often used as part of a longer name, such as Miroslava (masculine form: Miroslav). In Albanian language, it means ‘goodness’ or ‘kindness’. In Sanskrit, it means ‘ocean’, ‘sea’, ‘limit’ or ‘boundary’. In Hebrew, it is a derivative of Miriam or the female equivalent of Meir, meaning ‘light’.)

Mira was all of me, a daughter of wonder and peace as my soul is at peace in her form. Also meaning goodness and kindness which is a testimony to my charity and civil service. And lastly, the one from the sea...another one of my deep ocean secrets.

I hesitate as I stop myself and I am sure now that Destiny thinks I am a fraud! “Just David at this time, I am still deciding on the name aspect.” my brutal honesty coming out. “Any other name would be dangerous in this hostile society...” as my brain says:

‘Shut up, you already made yourself sound like a fool!’

“It is totally understandable David, do you prefer going by sir?” she asks.

I can hear Admiral Gial Ackbar yelling ‘It’s a Trap!’ in my head. That is exactly what it was, a trap to assess my commitment to the therapy. “Just sir please.” my animus chimes in and I hate myself. I am neither, but I’ve never vocally told anyone that before. “For the time being…”

“Okay David,” her tone changed, not angry, just unsure of my call. Most who call either are in transition or know what they want to become, “Typically transgender individuals change their name for legal reasons like new licenses and bank records...” she rambles on as it goes over my head.

‘Oh! You screwed up big time!’ my brain mocks me. It takes in delight knowing it was right. I can’t believe Destiny is still on the line with me. I must sound really new at this and she probably wonders why now? “Okay David, I just need an address...” and I chime off my home code.

When it comes to saying my town, she laughs as the name is rather musical, like a gay French ‘la-la’. I sigh a breath of relief as I feel I am recovering from probably the easiest question to answer...your female name! “And a phone number.” she asks and I give my cell...best to have no one calling home, that would be suicide!

Coming to the end, my nerves are a wreck! “For your patient records, please provide us a pin...”

“How long?” I ask.

“As long as you want it...” she says kindly.

“Letters or numbers?” I ask.

“Anything you want...” she say, annoyed, but being polite!

“Okay, my pin is four numbers, 1…9…8…0” I say, easy to remember.

“Wonderful, now onto the appointment. We ask that you fast for 10 hours prior to your appointment” being 11:30pm on the 11th...perfect time! “And drink plenty of water! But no coffee.”

“Copy that!” I confirm.

“That will give your body time to regulate your hormone levels for the appointment...” I gulp, that means that needles will be involved! “It is important that you don’t eat for ten hours!” she emphasizes again, meaning that this rule has been broken hundreds of times before! Luckily for me, EPI would make eating before travel...messy! “I am going to transfer you over to billing, thank you for calling David and we look forward to seeing you on the 12th.”

“Thank you Destiny.” I reply as the line clicks and a minute passes and the line is answered. I gulp, this is what I truly fear...the price!

“Is this David I am talking to?” the woman asks. Her vocal tones annoy me...she paints a vivid image of Roz from Monsters Inc.!

“This is David.” I confirm, praying it isn’t over 500.00 dollars...I can’t afford that. I also don’t want my insurance in deep with them. It is odd how diagnosis’s end up in the strangest places. For example, I went to the Kitsap Mental Health clinic trying to find a way to cut my student debt by declaring myself autistic, which I am, and somehow that ended up at St. Anthony Hospital on my records!

“Hello...David.” she says, failing to give me her name. I pictures her saying: ‘Hello...boys’, so Roz It is! “The quoted cost for the appointment is 270.00 dollars, unless you have insurance.”

“I have Medicare-Medicaid...” I say as I give my Provider One number.

“How odd...” she growls in her slug tongue. “I don’t see Medicaid only Medicare and we don’t take that here!”

I won’t be deterrent, “I’ll pay the fee.” I say. My thoughts are:

270.00 for clinic and labs. A follow up appointment to read results will be an additional 170.00 and hopefully they can run my scripts through Medicare at a pharmacy of my choosing. Hell, if I can pick them up there, better! Cut out the middle man!

But if I pick up my meds at clinic, first, all TG patients can only go on Thursdays for privacy and second, I will be held accountable...no turning back...they expect me to go through a full transformation!

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