#i had a lot more to say than i thought lol

[thebitch-thatwas-promised]

43. No kids. Mistaken for 28 often. I tell people my age as much as possible because I earned these years with blood, sweat and tears. Would I like to go back to being 20? Sure, but only if I get to keep my current wisdom so I can be braver and have more interesting experiences. Would I go back to being 20 with none of my current experiences? Absolutely not. That was hard. Being young is very hard and confusing. Understanding yourself through a few decades of experiences (successes and especially failures) is the most peace I’ve ever felt. I know that failures won’t kill me. Failure no longer scares me or embarrasses me.

I’m using this post to be a typical old lady and not the fangirl I usually only show on here to say…

learn to NOT be hard on yourself as soon as possible. We are too hard on ourselves. It’s a waste of time. It’s a waste of energy. Make plans. Go out. Have a terrible romance. Let someone break your heart. Break someone’s heart. Be a menace. Then Be an Angel cause being a good person is so much better. I’ve done both. Re-evaluate your happiness often. Journaling is the best way to understand why you did that thing that you don’t like that you did. I thought journaling was cheesy, I was wrong. Do it immediately. Travel while you are young because your family will get older and you will find yourself having to go to doctors appointments and funerals a lot and that fucking sucks. But it happens to use all. But it happened to me a lot less when I was younger so I really had time to do what I wanted and have fun. Do you like how you feel when you are around your friends? No? Get new friends. You met someone at work or school who you thought was real cool, spend time with them. They might be a better fit for who you are now. I’m introverted so I have to work to remind myself to reach out to that cool person in my contacts. But I feel better when I do. Get coffee, go to dinner. Catch up. It’s not as painful as it sounds. Buckle down by your late 20s and make plans for your 40 year old self. I didn’t and I have lot of things that are up in the air and it sucks cause now I’m tired lol. So don’t do that. Save to buy a house with your friends if you aren’t marriage oriented. I work in the non profit arts but I recommend “selling out” to work in corporate. It’s all corrupt anyway so make money so you can afford to survive the terror that is the healthcare system and housing system in America. Or find a better country than this hellhole.

Alright, now back to my hyper fixations. 🤙🏾

the older i get and the closer i am to reaching 30, the more the people around me try to deny me my age. it’s a constant ‘oh you’re just turning 29 again teehee 🤭’ or ‘dont tell your SO that, he’ll leave you for a younger model 😉’ and i just???? hate it?????????

i spent my entire teenaged years fighting for my life. i crawled through the deepest pits of my depression to cling to the promise of a life beyond that pain. i was so convinced that i was going to die young, that i would never see the grace of my age starting with a 2, let alone 3.

so im going to turn 30, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do to stop me from loving it.

[crescenthistory]

Omg Carina hi!!! Congrats on 2k!!! It’s 🧸 anon here (she/her) and you’re so cool for doing this event for us🫶🏻

Like you I’m also studying, last year of nursing if it matters lol, so I completely forgot to check if you answered my request and I just now saw that you did so I’m gonna go read it now! I’m so excited to get my Carina fix🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

I’ll add to the celebration - comment on “You occupy my every thought”? Don’t have anything specific I’m just such a sucker for sunshine/grumpy tropes hehe

Also if you’d like maybe comment on the 14k Remus fic? I forgot its name I’m so sorry but the way you wrote Remus made my heart swoon and it was the first ever fic I read of yours so it’s kind of sentimental too🙃

Side note thank you for sharing so much of your personal life with us it makes me personally feel really connected to the writer and it makes sense why your writing really is poetry🥰 again thank you!!

hi my darling! no, thank YOU for participating in my event<33 and for actually enjoying my yapping lmao, i appreciate you sm! last year of nursing is roughhhh, so feel free to just drop by whenever you're free. my blog will always be here for when you need it 🫂 now, i have already more or less commented on "you occupy my every thought" with these headcanons, but i would love to do the remus one!

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i will COMMENT on "It's Nice To Have A Friend" with remus lupin

carina's 2k celebration

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In this fic, you're Remus' childhood best friend, his favourite person on the planet, and your romance reads very much like two people who are perfectly intertwined and destined for each other

So, after the fic fades to black, I can't really see anything but an endgame fairytale ending

Remus writing home to Hope and Lyall, who have known you since you were a kid and befriended Remus despite his obvious differences:

Dear Mam and Tad,

This may not come as a surprise to you – as it seems it has not been for anyone but me – but if it does, I sincerely hope it is a pleasant one.

I am writing to let you know that Y/N and I's friendship has officially become something more and I am happy to call her my partner.

You remained attached at each other's side for the precious few months you had left at Hogwarts – this time without a spec of anxiety or guilt

I will say, it took a while for you to school all guilt out of Remus though, as his former guilt for daring fall in love with you occasionally transformed into guilt for "letting you love a halfbreed"

But you did what you did best – you kissed it away

You were far from above cradling Remus in your arms until he melted into you, whispering sweet nothings into his hairline

There was a lot of:

"I have loved you unequivocally more or less my whole life, cariad. I am not about to change that now."

"Would you love me any less if I changed? If I became a lycanthrope or a vampire or sick or poor?" "You know I wouldn't."

"Shhh, none of that. None of that, my sweet boy."

"You're just Remus to me."

Because of his particular situation, Remus had to become closer with certain members of Hogwarts staff than most other students would – particularly Pomfrey, Dumbledore and McGonagall

And I believe all of them would often share looks at how obvious the love blooming between these young students was

I have always had a particular moment in mind for when Pomfrey first noticed your connection in second year

It was the first time Remus got injured enough during a full moon to stay at the infirmary overnight, at a time where none of his dormmates knew

You, on the other hand...

Pomfrey opened the door to her office chambers right by the entrance to the infirmary at the frantic knocking. A sigh was already brewing on her lips at whatever piece of work must be waiting for her outside the wooden door this early.

She flung it open only to nearly hit your reddened, almost teary face.

"Madam Pomfrey," you squeaked in that youngin voice it seems all students spouted at that age. "Is Remus here?"

The concern was evident on your face, etched into your every furrow that were much deeper than a child should have. "I'm afraid I cannot answer that, Miss L/N," she said, not without sympathy. Patient confidentiality and all.

"Please," you whispered. "I know he's here, it was a full moon. Please can I go see him."

Unable to do anything else in the face of such youthful misery, and having heard in passing from Dumbledore before that "the Ravenclaw girl knows", she merely gestured in the direction of Remus' overnight bed.

A "thank you!" had barely made it past your lips before you walked away so quickly it could rival someone running – a loophole you had already found to the "no running in the halls" rule, surely.

Pomfrey followed to see you fling yourself to the floor beside Remus' bed, not even sparing the time to drag one of the nearby chairs closer to sit more comfortably. Your knees were on the cold floor, your hands scrambling to find his laying limp and bandaged on the white linen, but when you did, your touch turned almost painfully gentle.

"Rem? Remmy, cariad, it's me. Hi, hi, it's me." Your voice was soft, a gentle waking of the boy who should technically still be sleeping. It was clear you couldn't help yourself.

Remus' heavy eyelids fluttered open and the look in them once they found you, soft and at home, a stark contrast to how she found him the night before, struck Pomfrey right in the chest.

Oh, she had thought. This is going to be one of the lovestories I remember.

Thus, when she saw you two walking hand in hand as you passed the infirmary one of the last month of your 7th year, smiling widely and waving at her, she felt nothing short of contentment and warmth

Finally

Similarly with McGonagall and Dumbledore:

At the end of breakfast, there was nothing left to do but discreetly watch the students as they began preparing for the rest of their days, gaining an overview of what the dynamics were like at the moment and if they were all alright.

McGonagall's eyes were gliding over the Gryffindor table, not at all deterred by the splotch of blue that represented you in the midst of Potter and Co. She had grown more than used to you as an honorary member.

What did catch her attention, though, was when you got up and out of your seat, hoisting your bag over your shoulder to head off to a class you didn't share with the rest of them – right before you left, Remus caught your hand and pulled you down to him for a sweet kiss.

Not the forehead kisses she had seen before, not to the hand. No, he was smiling against your lips.

She arched an amused brow at the scene, glancing sideways to look at Dumbledore who was smiling into his plate.

"Yes," he said simply. "I saw."

She had to hide her smile behind her glass as she brought it up to drink. A silent toast.

All three of them would be invited to the wedding – which I don't think would be too far off after graduation

I imagine you got married the same year as Marlene and Dorcas; a big year of love for your friendgroup

Make no mistake, Sirius would be officiating it

This moment is definitely referenced in Remus' vows to you during the wedding:

“Should I ask you formally to be my girlfriend, or are we just skipping straight to marriage?” he whispered against your lips.

Remus felt almost wolfish when you barked a loud laugh, throwing your head back and tightening your hold on him instinctively. “I think girlfriend’s enough for now, yeah cariad?”

“If you insist.” He kissed you through his grin, realising that this was all he wanted to do now.

"I suggested it already the first day we became official, and even that was too late – I have always been yours and it is my utmost honour to have you always be mine."

Not a single dry eye in the room

James would specifically be crying into Hope's arms

Which Sirius would laugh at until he was a few more drinks in, at which point he would do the same with Effie

(Lily took pictures of both instances with her muggle camera, and they were some of the first in the wedding album)

Should there be an Order of the Phoenix (with a happy ending for all), you and Remus would act as the parental couple beside James, Sirius and Lily

And if you eventually make Remus secure enough in himself and his lycanthropy that he would dare have some puppies? Well, the more the merrier with this lot

The cheesiest, loveliest happily ever after you could desire 🤍

[lqtraintracks]

Writing Interview

Thanks so much for the tag @starquestingfordrarry! <333

how many works do you have on ao3? 337

what's your total ao3 word count? 1,454,047

your top 5 stories by kudos

Right Hand Red (with freakin’ 40,662; sorry, I just noticed that it had ticked over the 40k mark and I’m flabbergasted and so grateful as well <3 )

Hung Like a Horntail

Slip Into My Lover’s Hands

Weeds or Wildflowers written with sdk / @unmistakablyoatmeal

check this hand ‘cause I’m marvelous

do you respond to comments? Er… yes?? Like, very. verrrrry. slowly. But I’ll admit that some will never get answered because I lose steam and then when I start trying again, I start with the newest ones. This might sound horn-tooty, which is not how I intend it, but with the number of stories I’ve written, I get a lot of comments. I’ve found it impossible to keep up, but I do my best, even if my best is sometimes a bit crappy. I do read and appreciate every comment I get though!

what's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending? I don’t really do angsty endings often. When I do, it’s usually a Prongsfoot or something. Of the Drarry fics I’ve written, I have one open ending but it’s still pretty hopeful, and that’s Burning the Ground. 

what's the fic you've written with the happiest ending? All of them. :D My goal in life is to get readers (and myself) to cry with joy at the end of my stories. Some standouts just from memory are Heart Like Neon, Bolts, Take You Home, Jasmine in Bloom, Right Hand Red, Blood and Fire, and The Most Splendid Thing. 

do you write crossovers? Maybe one or two over the last 25 years. So, statistically, not so much. 

have you ever received hate on a fic? LOL of course. :D But I don’t linger on those comments. They’re quite few honestly. 

do you write smut? No, never. 

have you ever had a fic stolen? Yes. 

have you ever had a fic translated? Yes. Quite a few have been. Not even sure how many languages, but I know there are several in Russian, Chinese, and I think both Spanish and Portuguese. 

have you ever co-written a fic? Yes! With the incredibly talented sdk, @the-starryknight, and @nv-md! (And one round robin with like 552 people lol.)

what's your all-time favorite ship? Drarry, my beloved. <3

what's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will? I don’t really have wips. I’m a chronic finisher. I did start something last year for a friend’s birthday and then pooped out. I ended up writing her a completely different pairing months later. And then I took some of the vibes and ideas from that unfinished fic and wrote them into other fics that I *did* finish, so… Cannibalism. Yeah. 

what are your writing strengths? LOL finishing things! :D Also: smut, for sure. Humor. Sort of achy, hot romances? My trademark is writing tenderness and filth simultaneously. I’ve gotten good at pacing things well, so that beats and arcs feel well-rounded and satisfying, I think. 

what are your writing weaknesses? Ugh, plot!!! Specifically non-romance-or-pairing-based plotlines are difficult for me. Heavy angst. Also stakes. I struggle to up the stakes for my characters enough to give a big payoff. I struggle to make my characters change enough or to effectively write that change in a satisfying way. (This applies more to my original writing than to fic, I think.)

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? I’m not sure what the hot take here is and if there is one I’m missing it. My original novel has a Spanish speaker and he will sometimes slip into Spanish during conversation. I wanted to get that right, so I had a native Spanish speaker (hi @capipuff!) read it to correct my bad Google-translated Spanish. So I guess my thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in fic is, do your best to get it right?

what's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?  If I want to write something, I write it. :D 

what's your favorite thing you've ever written? Oof. Wow. I want to say my original novel, even though it’s also more flawed than my fic tends to be. It’s certainly one of the things I’m most proud to have written. <3 Usually my favorite fic is the last thing I’ve written and that’s true right now as well. I love The Most Splendid Thing. But before that, my favorite was probably Jasmine in Bloom, and before that it was Take You Home. Bolts is for sure in the running. Heart Like Neon is way up there as well. As is My Name in Your Mouth, because I love that Teddy Lupin with all my horny heart. 

Okay I'm going to tag some of you fine folks now: Ali, you're it! Also, @writcraft @shiftylinguini @phoebe-delia @wholahoop @saintgarbanzo @academicdisasterfic @citrusses @corvuscrowned @lettersbyelise and @magpiefngrl

[couldawouldashoulda50]

Do you think that at some point Loren would come across with William some of her old classmates or ex or ex-friends? People that were not the nicest to her and hurt her while they are out or something. They act all nice and sweet because of William. Nothing dramatic, but her old memories come back and she gets uncomfortable. William then comforts her.

A more precise way would be with Loren ex who basically screwed her over. They are at a restaurant or an event. William meets him briefly without Loren or himself knowing who he is. Her ex says he’s a fan or whatever. Then, Loren comes back from like the washroom or wherever she was and they are just the two together. And finally, they both see her ex together and it’s awkward and weird (obviously I don’t think anything drastic like a fight would happen because it’s out of character)

A/N - Well sweet Anon, I thought I was doing well at the 3k word mark. Then the 7k word mark happened....I had no idea this would turn out to be 11k words. Apologizing is definitely in my nature so I will start there - I tied another idea into the beginning of this and I just went with it never intending for it to be this long. There's a lot of layers here but it all leads to Loren's past seeping into her present through a group of (so-called) friends reaching out to her.

Trigger Warnings: **This recounts Loren's experience with her ex, who, by definition, is an emotional abuser. I have never written about this before and tried to keep it as a very high-level account of it**

18+ only. Contains profanity, smut (oral [fem receiving], intercourse [p in v])

Word count - approx 12k words (sorry again lol)

Loren was positioned comfortably on her side of the bed, her oversized socks half falling down her calves and her cropped cardigan slipping slightly off her shoulder. She had her laptop resting in her lap, her focus drifting between resizing an image and fiddling with the resolution. On the other side of the bed, William lounged on his back, his head on a pillow at the end of the bed and his feet near the headboard. His phone was in his hand, he appeared to be watching something but in reality his attention was entirely elsewhere.

He couldn’t keep his eyes off of her tonight—or really any time that she was near him. The screen of her laptop illuminating her face, reflecting off of her glasses made him beam from the inside out. It was clear to him that the more time they spent together, the longer he wanted her to stay with him.

On some level, from all the way back to the first time he kissed her—that moment now many months ago—he couldn’t imagine anyone else fitting so naturally in his space. Scratch that. Wouldn’t want to imagine anyone else. When they had to leave each other, it always impacted him more than he ever let on. He was head over heels for Loren, and he felt confident that she shared the same feelings for him. Their random introduction at an Easter Seals Skate truly became a rare gift of a deeply caring union between two people.

With all of these feelings, however, he knew there were things they needed to discuss before the future which he deeply desired with her could happen.

Loren could feel William’s lingering gaze from across the bed. She had only glanced at him for a split second, her eyes once again fixed on the laptop screen. “How ya’ doing over there? You’ve been quiet,” Loren asked gently.

William smiled, caught in the act. “Just thinking.”

Loren let out a soft laugh with a mock grimace. “Uh-oh.”

He chuckled but didn’t respond immediately, his eyes returned to his phone. Loren had appeared on a mid-day talk show in Toronto, modeling a local designer’s winter fashion line that was mix-and-match and budget-friendly. William re-watched the clip that was posted by the network.

“Were they nice to you—the women on the show?” he asked, holding up the screen of his phone showing her the clip.

She flipped her glasses up onto her head, pinning her long wavy hair behind her ears. She squinted at the screen, her lips curving into a small smile. “They were—everyone was very nice. I was nervous but then I realized it was just the same as trying on clothes in Chelsea’s closet.”

“Or mine—err, wait…no - that’d be more like a strip tease,” he said simply, and when she blushed and ducked her head shyly, his smile widened. He set his phone aside, taking a moment to gather his thoughts before changing his position on the bed. He laid next to her on his side with his pillow bunched under his head. “Can I ask you something?”

Her fingers paused on her keyboard. “Of course,” she replied, looking very attentive.

“Who do you talk to about us?”

The question caught her a little off guard. Loren paused for a moment, closing her laptop halfway. “Uh, well, Alice, for sure….a couple of other WAGs?. We actually don’t talk about you all that much—I guess I don’t feel the need to. And Kathy, she’s sort of my life guru—she has been for years. I think she’s the only one that I told about meeting you to begin with. I trust her—and she’s pretty much like a vault.” She tilted her head, studying him.

“What about your parents? Or your other friends?” he asked.

Loren hesitated. “I haven’t told my parents anything. It’s not that I don’t want to, or that I don’t trust them, but… it doesn’t feel like the right time yet. They’re enjoying their first winter as snowbirds, and I don’t want them worrying about anything that I’m doing up here.” She closed the laptop and sat it next to the empty glass of wine on the nightstand. “My friends - I have a lot of different friend groups, but everyone’s busy with their own lives—and even still, short answer? I wouldn’t be comfortable mentioning that we’re seeing each other.”

William nodded slowly. “So it doesn’t bother you that we don’t do, like, the Insta thing posting pictures of us being together or anything like that?”

Loren shook her head slowly and mouthed the word “No.” Despite the silence behind the word, he understood loud and clear how much she meant it. “I guess… I just don’t want it out there. I’m really cagey about opening up my personal life up online - who I'm seeing romantically…especially you.” Loren shifted to lay on her side facing William. “Is that okay?”

He pulled her into him, kissing her mouth and guiding her thigh over his. His blue eyes bore deep into her now racing heart at the vision that was his face.

His eyes remained connected with hers, his brows furrowing slightly. “Oh, yeah - no….I’m totally okay with that….it’s sorta my preference too.” William paused, his mouth hovering over hers, his sweet breath warm against her lips before continuing. “So, I was just watching this reel and I guess I wanted to know how you’d feel about a situation… as I kind of want to assume we’ll, uh… be together for a long time.”

Loren blushed at the thought. She tried to not react but a small smile curled at her lips.

Although his expression seemed calm, William’s stomach flipped with where the conversation was heading. “Prenups,” he said, watching her closely. “How do you feel about them?”

Loren was not expecting that one. A million thoughts bounced in her head, mainly wondering why he was asking, but she slowed her mind and decided just to answer the question directly. “If little ‘ole me, with my once shiny credit rating and trusting nature, could get fucked over so badly with my finances, then you, with your… what, a hundred million dollars? Even if it’s not me you are with in the end, you better make sure your future wife signs one… I’ll hunt you down and straight-up kick your ass if you don’t.”

Her bluntness mixed with his own nervous energy made him burst out laughing.

Loren grinned at him as she continued. “Seriously, though,” she added, “I hope you wouldn’t treat a prenup like a license to do whatever you want, but yeah, I’d absolutely sign one. Would you sign one for me if the tables were turned? I might be mega-rich all on my own one day.”

William nodded—first that he believed she could do anything she put her mind to, and second, he really would sign one.

“That’s actually where the question came from. I was watching something—like, the guy… he had money and assets, and he explained to his fiancée that he wanted her to sign one. She flipped out but then she inherited some money later. Then she turned the tables on him and demanded he sign one,” William explained. “I mean, I was just curious what you thought about it… not that I was worried about something like that with you anyway.”

Loren ran the back of her fingers along his jawline. “Well, obvious double standard going on with those two. But, personally, I have had too much experience in that department, William - it can get to be pretty fucking terrible. Whether it’s me, or the people that I care about, if you end a relationship—especially you—you need to have something in place, something that’s fair and just for both parties. It’s not that you want the relationship to end, or think that it will…” her voice trailed off.

William hesitated, his hand slipping under the waistband of her shorts, his palm resting warmly on her ass cheek. He wasn’t entirely sure why the thought had popped into his mind, but once it was there, he couldn’t shake it.

“So… here’s a question,” he started, carefully “We’ve been together now for a bit—like, really together this time. You’ve seen more of what my life is like, how crazy it can get. Is there any part of you…” He trailed off for a moment, leaning his forehead against hers for a moment. “Any part of you that doesn’t want this? That doesn’t want to do this life with me?”

The question hung in the air. Loren’s breath caught, and to her surprise, her throat tightened. She shook her head quickly, trying to blink away the tears that suddenly threatened, but it was no use. The sadness with that simple question overwhelmed her.

“Hey, hey,” William said, alarmed. He moved closer, cupping her face gently. “I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just…”

She laughed at herself through the tears, shaking her head. “You didn’t do anything. It’s just…” She dabbed under her eye with the back of her thumb. “The idea of it just hit me the wrong way,” she sniffed, scoffing at herself in embarrassment.

His heart clenched. He helped wiped at her tears with his thumbs, but his attempts to comfort her only made the tears fall faster, though now she was mostly laughing as well. “You have to stop,” she managed between sniffling and giggling. “You’re making it worse.”

William’s chest ached with love for her. He pulled her closer and held her tightly as her tears subsided. “Sorry William - that just caught me the wrong way… but I can’t help the tears sometimes, it’s just how it is with me.”

“You weren’t lying when you called yourself a puddle, eh?” William teased.

Loren’s words were muffled against his neck. “Lille lustigkurre,” calling him a “little goof” in Swedish. William playfully planted tiny kisses across her lips. He loved how seriously she was taking to learning Swedish, coming out with phrases he never taught her.

Loren’s tone turned apologetic. “But yeah, I wish I could control the tears more - used to drive my ex nuts… he’d go ballistic, as though berating me was going to help me stop crying.”

William’s body tightened, as he visualized Loren being screamed at while already being upset. His jaw clenched when he pictured dropping her ex with one punch to the mouth if he ever witnessed such a thing.

William pulled Loren’s body on top of him, her letting a light “whoop” followed by a giggle. He cradled her ass cheeks as she straddled him, propping herself up on her arms. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry she went through all of that but he also knew her response.

Thank you - but it’s done with now, she would say.

Instead, he would settle for making her know how much he desired and loved her. He pulled her mouth onto his, and in turn, she began to rub herself against his hardness.

“I guess I’m done my work?” she asked, cheekily.

He gripped her ass more firmly, pressing her against him.

In one swift movement, she sat up in a full straddle as he quickly unbuttoned her cardigan while she reached around and unclasped her bra. The moment his mouth and tongue made contact with her nipples, her core clenched in anticipation of feeling him deep inside her.

As if it needed to be said, Loren finally gasped, “Yeah, okay…. fuck it, I’m done.” A mischievous smirk played on her lips as she brought her mouth onto his, slipping her tongue against his in a steamy kiss. In Swedish, she teased, “Åh, du är verkligen i trubbel nu...” (Oh, you’re really in trouble now...)”

—

A few days later, Loren found herself in the kitchen at William’s place, the whir of the blender filling the air as she prepared smoothies and other healthy concoctions for both William and Alex. It was a routine she had adopted during her visits, one that Alex especially appreciated. Lost in thought, her eyes were fixed on the ingredients laid out on the counter—a mix of fresh fruits, leafy greens, protein powders, and supplements—she continued to smile to herself as she pressed the stop button on the appliance.

The morning had started the way she secretly (or not so secretly (despite clasping her hand over her mouth, her orgasmic moans were surely heard outside of the bedroom) loved most. She and William had indulged in a passionate quickie before getting out of bed to take the dogs for a walk. Standing at the counter now, her thoughts drifted back to the earlier moments, her lip catching between her teeth and cheeks flushing pink. The blissful soreness lasting in her core was a reminder of just how incredible it had been.

She shook her head, lifting herself from her own trance, and let out a soft laugh. Oh my god, I still want more she thought, her body still hungry for William. She inhaled deeply to try and calm her lingering urges as she reached for the jar of chia seeds.

A notification buzzed on her phone, pulling her attention away from the blender. Picking it up, she saw a DM on Instagram from someone she hadn’t thought about in a long time—a so-called friend from a group of women she used to spend time with when she was with her ex, Drew. The message was short, polite, and complimentary, but Loren immediately felt a knot form in her stomach.

Despite outward appearances, she had never felt particularly close to any of the women in that group. During her relationship with Drew, little by little, she had been steered away from spending time with her other friends, finding herself surrounded by people she couldn’t fully trust. Loren had always felt like an outsider, unable to fully be herself. Every group activity she attended left her retreating further into her shell as time went on.

The unwelcome memory of those years crept into her mind. She had spent so much time trying to be everything Drew wanted her to be, only for him to make her feel like it was never enough. The stress of that relationship had taken a toll on her physical and mental health. Food became a source of comfort in the lonely hours spent working all day, coming home, cleaning, and preparing nice dinners that Drew would often miss. When he finally came home, it was only to pick fights, leaving her feeling even smaller than before. The weight gain that ensued only fueled her feelings of low self-worth, to which Drew’s backhanded remarks also exacerbated.

Loren exhaled sharply, setting her phone down and shaking off the memories. Just as Alex walked into the kitchen, greeting her with a soft, “God morgon,” Loren muttered, “Fuck off,” under her breath, directing the words at the source of the DM she’d just received. She hadn’t heard Alex walk in and jumped slightly, startled when he responded, “Um… okay?”

[Loren practicing Swedish] “Oh—God, Alex… I am so sorry. God morgon—that other part wasn’t meant for you,” she smiled apologetically.

“Who’s in your bad books this morning? It can’t be my brother…” Alex teased.

Loren didn’t know if there was a whiff of ‘I heard far more than I wanted to this morning’ in Alex’s remark, but her soft smile remained constant as she handed him the vibrant mixture in a glass container.

“No, just a message from someone I haven’t heard from in years, and I have no real desire to interact with them,” Loren replied, her tone carrying a hint of tension.

“Oh yeah? Who’s that?” Alex inquired, gulping down some of his smoothie.

“A girl—a woman I used to hang out with years ago,” Loren began. “She said she saw me on that talk show and is gushing about how she’d love to meet up sometime. It sounds nice and all, but unless she’s done a total 180, I’m leery about getting together with her and the other women in the group.” Her apprehension was unmistakable as she spoke.

Loren would never dream of saying it to Alex, but Kayla, the so-called “friend” who had reached out, reminded her of Isla—Alex’s now ex-girlfriend—the day they first met. Snide, smug, and toxic were fair adjectives to describe parts of Kayla’s personality.

Alex, seeming rather invested in the story, stood at the counter as he prompted Loren to keep talking. William soon breezed into the kitchen, wrapping his arms around Loren’s waist from behind, unintentionally interrupting Loren as he thanked her for his smoothie.

“Bro—she was talking,” Alex jokingly scolded William. “Here I was thinking there wasn’t anyone Loren disliked, but now I wanna hear this.”

“Who—wait… what’re we talking about?” William asked, confused.

Loren quickly replayed the conversation so he could catch up. He looked intrigued, as much as Alex seemed to be—this was a part of Loren’s life he had heard the least about, and he was about to find out why.

“So the deal with Kayla is that she sort of befriended me at a time when I was feeling pretty low in life - and in my relationship with Drew,” Loren began. “I was too embarrassed to admit to my closest friends and even my family of how bad things had gotten, so I leaned on her more than I should’ve. She pretended to care, but all the while, she was gossiping about me to everyone else in the group.”

Her eyes flicked between the two brothers as they listened. “Eventually, I realized that the things I told Kayla were then skewed and taken totally out of context, which would then get back to Drew through his friends. It was constant fighting and confrontations but then he’d back peddle and I’d fall into the same trap again. I think back and I don’t even remember the things he said that seemed to make everything okay. It was almost like being brainwashed.”

Loren sighed, hesitating for a moment before continuing. “So I was in a position that I had to move out of my apartment and Drew kept pushing for us to buy a house. It was one of the things I had wanted so badly but I could never afford it on my own. He had this whole song and dance about a big settlement he was waiting on from a past accident. It sounded believable—he even showed me paperwork. It started with him asking me to help him until it came through, and I did. I alone was approved for loans, opened lines of credit - he couldn’t do it because of his credit rating. I was so naive allowing him access. Then my dad cosigned for the house with me that had a cashback mortgage, and the money went into a joint access savings account. When he disappeared, I found out he’d drained everything with my name on it.”

William’s jaw tightened, his hands gripping the counter. This part, William already knew and it made his blood boil all over again.

Loren continued. “He had this whole scheme perfected. He made it look like he was trying to contribute, but in reality, he was still using resources from the last woman he conned. By the time he left, I had nothing but the house and a landslide of debt. That’s when I had to tell my parents. It was humiliating, but we figured out a plan to climb out of the hole he left me in.”

She took a breath, her voice softening. “Looking back, I should’ve seen it sooner, but I was so focused on trying to make things work. I kept convincing myself it was just a rough patch, that things would get better if I stuck it out. Thank God he left - but by the time he was through with me, with all the criticism and manipulation, I felt like I was just this shell of a person.”

She hesitated before continuing. “To make matters worse, there was another woman—Ashley—who I thought was a real friend. She didn’t seem to go along with the others, so I trusted her. I didn’t realize until it was too late that Drew and Ashley were secretly involved with each other. I walked in on them at a party—fucking in the bathroom.”

The kitchen was quiet enough to hear the white noise of the refrigerator humming. William sat frozen, a bottle of water halfway to his lips. He was seeing red listening to all of this, the bulging vein in his neck on full display.

Alex let out a low whistle, breaking the silence. “Well, holy fuck,” he said, shaking his head. “No wonder you’re not rushing to meet up with them - fucking soap opera.”

Loren chuckled and nodded. “Aren’t you glad you asked?” she nudged Alex playfully. Her eyes then settled on William’s face, his expression showing shades of disbelief of Loren’s story.

She eased up beside William as she began to gather her things to leave for an appointment. As usual, he wore nothing but his shorts and his slides, and Loren was quick to press her lips against the bare skin of his shoulder.

“So, on that happy note,” she quietly joked, “I better head out.”

Instead of his hold loosening, William pulled her body closer against him. “You’re coming back later, right? Before dinner, hopefully?”

She had been at William’s for the most part of the week and had intended on going home. But god, one look at his face….

She kissed where a trace of his smoothie lingered at the corner of his upper lip, then worked her way onto his full mouth. Mumbling against his lips, she said, “I’ll see you later. Let me know if anything changes for tonight, and I can go home.”

Alex, overhearing her last words, groaned and shook his head. “Please don’t. I can’t stand him looking so sulky and—” He rubbed his eyes and let out a mock whimper, chuckling as he glanced at his brother. As he padded off toward his bedroom, he called over his shoulder in Swedish, “Vi ses ikväll, Loren… ha en bra dag.” (See ya’ tonight, Loren… have a good day.) Glancing at William, he scoffed softly, chuckling as he disappeared down the hall.

“Sån åsna,” (such an ass) William muttered, shaking his head. His hand smoothed over Loren’s ass cheek as they started toward the door. “Anything you want tonight for dinner?”

“Food—and you… not necessarily in that order,” she replied suggestively, leaning in to give him one more lingering kiss for the road.

—

When Loren returned that evening, she got her wish—food and William, in no specific order—and the rare luxury of having the condo to themselves for the night (plus the dogs, of course). She glanced around the space, taking in his thoughtful touches: dimmed lights, candles flickering throughout, and the unmistakable tracks from one of William’s favorite playlists—entitled with their joint initials, “WNLG.” The slow, mellow songs had become their unofficial soundtrack, always leading to them being wrapped around each other before the second song was through.

After a coming-home kiss that made Loren melt, she slipped off her shoes and took in the warm ambiance William had created. He had wanted to do something for her after she’d shared the dysfunction from her past relationship. The gestures weren’t groundbreaking, nor were they born from pity or meant to erase her painful memories. They were simply a way to set the tone for their future together. And knowing Loren, candles, dinner, and him were all she needed to feel completely fulfilled.

He noticed the glossy white shopping bag dangling in her hand, his curiosity piqued. Hooking his finger into the top of the bag, he peeked inside, while his other arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer. “Chocolate-dipped strawberries,” he said softly, with a smirk.

Loren brushed her lips against the warmth of his cheek. “I saw these, and they reminded me of Paris… and you.” Her lips traveled to William’s mouth, her words soft and full of meaning. The kiss deepened quickly, and the low groan that escaped him which made Loren press her thighs together.

Breaking slightly from the kiss, she smiled. “Let me get these into the fridge… I’ll be right back.”

As she walked down the hallway to the kitchen, her heart swelled with adoration. She shook her head and smiled to herself, still reeling from his intimate greeting. She honestly felt like she could float away with the way he made her feel.

When Loren returned to the living room, William was lounging on the couch, waiting for her. She knew William had a thoughtful and romantic side—it had shone through during their two weeks together in Sweden towards the end of the summer. But since the season had started, it wasn’t that his desire for romance had diminished… there just weren’t as many chances to be alone.

With the candles, the waiting dinner, the playful and often racy messages he’d sent her throughout the day, and the smoldering welcome she’d received tonight, it was clear William had seized this opportunity to have her to himself—and he’d nailed it.

Loren approached him and immediately saw the unmistakable glint of mischief mixed with lust in his eyes. He sat in his usual tank top, legs splayed in his black sweat pants and to Loren, there was no man on the planet that was as effortlessly sexy as William.

His eyes scanned her body and he had no qualms in letting her know how visually stunning he found her. “Is that what you looked like all day?” he asked playfully, reaching out for her hands and guiding her on top of him, straddling his hips.

She smiled at him and raised an eyebrow, and gently nodded. She was uncertain of exactly what he meant by his question, but knew it would lead to something that would make her heart, and other areas in her body, throb with wanting.

William’s palms slid upwards along the fabric of her white, buttoned down shirt, eventually smoothing over her breasts. He could hardly wait to see what bra she wore which contained her voluptuous tits as she started to unbutton her shirt. The worked together to shed her shirt and he groaned as he looked at the pristine white lace cups that supported her cleavage, right directly in his line of sight.

“I know I always say this but fuck - you’re fucking stunning” his voice raspy as he massaged her breasts and slowly kissed her neck.

Loren’s fingers raked through his hair, starting at the base of his neck and working upward, her patented move that never failed to arouse him further. Slowly, she rocked back and forth on his lap, her slow movement deliciously teasing. Her voice was soft, airy, and laced with a sensual undertone.

“And I always think, ‘So are you.’” She leaned in closer, her lips brushing against his ear as she whispered, “You’re seriously the most gorgeous man imaginable.”

With that, and in one fluid motion, he lifted her, guiding her onto her back on the couch as he knelt between her legs. His hands moved efficiently, unbuttoning her slacks and sliding them past her hips, down her legs, and off entirely. He paused for a moment, taking her in, reveling in the sight of her—this vision he had craved all day.

The stark white of her thong against her olive skin nearly sent William over the edge. He’d been picturing them in bed, sheets strewn everywhere for most of the night, but now, with the condo blissfully empty, every spot on the couch was fair game.

Without hesitation, William shed his sweats and shorts in one fluid motion. His arousal was evident, and Loren’s gaze drifted downward, she felt an instant urge to take him into her mouth. Before she could act however, William had other plans already in motion.

Gently, he propped Loren’s back against the cushioned arm of the couch, guiding her legs open as his hands skimmed down her thighs. He paused for a moment, his eyes locking onto hers. He had thought about her all day, resisting the urge to manually relieve the pressure she ignited in him countless times. Now, he could worship her - he was determined to make her feel every iota of his desire for her that had been building.

Wetting his lips, he lowered himself between her legs, his gorgeous gaze fixed on hers gripped her soul. His saliva dampened the small strip of fabric that was the only barrier between his mouth and her clit. The tip of his tongue soon slid beneath the band of her thong, and he began teasing her entrance with steady and firm movement.

Her hands instinctively flew to his, grasping at him for support. The thin gold band he had given her recently graced her delicate thumb, reflecting the low lighting in his periphery. The sight only spurred him on - little by little, he looked forward to adorning her body with his deep admiration for her in every way imaginable.

Loren’s hips flexed purely from instinct, rocking back and forth against the sensation of William’s mouth as he lapped and gently sucked around her clit. He was so incredible with his mouth, it was as if his on-ice prowess translated seamlessly to the art of making a woman writhe with pleasure. He knew exactly how to guide his lips and tongue to find every spot that made her body tighten and shudder in response.

She always tried to keep her volume low, her breathy moans whispering his name just loud enough to stir his own desire. But he could tell when she was losing control—the way her hands clung to his hair, her thighs trembling against his shoulders. He would risk a noise complaint just to hear her let go completely, crying out as loudly as she needed.

Loren’s grip under her one knee, holding her legs open for him indented her skin, the beds of her fingernails were white. “Fuck William” constantly spilled out of her in the form of the hottest sounding moans. Her hair was a beautiful mess - half bunched against the pillow and half dangling off the side of the couch as her head leaned back from the unbridled ecstasy he kept pushing her towards.

He could have spent hours between Loren’s legs but he knew that, as much as she loved his mouth, she loved his cock. He had begun teasing her about the way she treats Cowboy Bill, the name she dubbed his cock months ago, and how he has become a whole other entity that she worships in the bedroom. Lingham massages were now in Loren’s rotation of her favourite things to do and William was not complaining.

William licked and kissed his way up her abdomen, stopping to suck on each of her taut nipples, now so sensitive that she gasped out his name as she tried to catch her breath. She slowly lifted her head, her pupils looked as black as night as her eyelids weighed heavily from so much stimulation between her thighs.

William kissed her so deeply with so much passion, she thought she might faint. She wrapped one arm behind his neck and the other around his shoulder as he lifted her slightly to lay her flat on the cushions and reposition himself, aligning his cock with her entrance.

His voice was low as he murmured against her lips. “Tell me what you want…what will make you cum…”

Loren’s eyes zeroed in on his. She didn’t speak right away, her chest still rising and falling rapidly.

She kissed him and lightly raked her fingernails down his chest and up his flank - she knew that drove him berserk in all the best ways. With mere millimeters from his lips, she answered breathlessly “Anything - I just want to feel like you can’t get enough of me.”

Done. Sold. Exactly what I had in mind - because I really can’t get enough he thought, as he kissed her fiercely.

The second he pushed inside her, Loren’s breath hitched, her body reacting instantly as her walls clenched tightly around him. William groaned low in his throat, his head lowering as he paused, the thick chain around his neck dangling between them as he steadied himself.

He began slowly, each thrust steady, but for Loren, the depth and force of his movements soon had her gasping. With every roll of his hips, he pushed deeper, her body reacting to him, their physical and emotional connection intensifying with each passing second.

Loren’s hands gripped tightly onto William’s ass, her nails digging into his skin as she urged him deeper. Every nerve in her body was electrified, the pressure in her core building to an almost unbearable intensity. It felt like one long, sustained orgasm—her body couldn’t get enough of him, yet it almost felt like it was on the edge of being too much.

Hooking the back of her knee over his forearm, he pinned her legs open wider, the other leg draped over the back of the couch. With her completely open to him, he drove into her with dizzying force, the sound of their bodies colliding echoing through the room. The couch cushions recoiled beneath her with every powerful thrust, subdued cries and moans of pleasure filling the space.

As he pushed deep into her and held himself there, Loren’s body reacted instinctively. Her hips rolled up to meet him, her hands gripping onto his hips and ass as she fucked him back. The sight of her body moving so desperately beneath him made William groan low in his throat - she was pure magic and he was completely blown away by her.

He spat onto her clit, his thumb immediately finding the incredibly sensitive spot he had discovered many passionate encounters ago. As he stroked her, his eyes were drawn to the way her abdomen muscles flexed and contracted with every movement. He could feel his balls tightening, the heat pooling low in his stomach, but he didn’t want to cum yet—not before her.

Her movements began to slow, her breaths coming in ragged gasps. William leaned down, his lips brushing against her ear as he whispered, “You’re incredible. So fucking amazing. You feel so good, Loren.”

With that, he lifted her effortlessly, repositioning her once more. Her legs pinned wide apart, he thrust into her again, his pace unrelenting. The sound of their grunts, moans, and strained voices reverberated through the room, mixing with the creak of the couch beneath them.

Loren felt the familiar, unstoppable grip of her orgasm taking hold. Her body tightened, her hands clawing at the fabric of the couch cushion as her head turned, pressing against the armrest. “Oh my god, William!” she shrieked, her legs trying to close instinctively as high-voltage stimulation jolted through her.

William grunted and strained loudly, holding her legs open firmly as he continued driving into her. The sight of her quivering body, her hand over her mouth and the sound of her moans was his undoing. He thrusted deep into her one last time, his release spilling into her as he collapsed onto her.

They stayed there for a time, their bodies tangled together, his cock still buried inside her as he slowly stroked her from within. Loren’s breathing was uneven, her limbs slack as she melted into the cushions. He knew how dazed and dozy she got after moments like this, and he couldn’t stop the satisfied smirk from spreading across his face.

Eventually, he rolled onto his side, pulling her with him. They kissed lazily, their bodies glistening with a sheen of sweat from their exertion.

It took a while before they finally moved, sliding off the couch and adjusting the cushions back into place. Loren noticed a few marks left behind from their sexcapade and made a mental note to clean up the spots later. The couch was soon to be replaced as part of the condo renovations, so the evidence of their passion would only be temporary, one way or another.

Slipping her white shirt back on as a casual cover-up, Loren wandered into the kitchen, where William was pouring two glasses of wine and setting their take-out containers in the oven to warm. He handed her one of the glasses and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her close as his lips found the curve of her neck.

“Hungry?” he murmured against her skin, his voice low and tender. Loren nodded, her hand smoothing over the back of his head as he leaned into her.

Before long, the two of them found themselves slow dancing in the kitchen, swaying gently to the music still streaming through the sound system.

After a quick shower together and a change into more comfortable clothes, William and Loren found themselves back in the kitchen. Loren, now dressed in one of William’s oversized hoodies and a pair of soft shorts, leaned against the counter, her hair still damp from the shower. William stood close by, barefoot in sweats and a simple tee, looking completely at ease as he slid the lids off their warmed take-out containers.

Without a second thought, they began eating directly out of the containers, passing them back and forth with teasing smiles and playful nudges. Loren couldn’t help but feel a warmth settle in her chest. To anyone else, it might have seemed unremarkable, but to her, standing there with him in their little bubble, this felt just as romantic as any candlelit dinner. Maybe more so.

Loren twirled a fettuccine noodle around her fork, pausing before bringing it to her mouth as a thought struck her. She set the fork down and looked up at William. “I really love this. I think I’d prefer this to any fancy dinner in the city. Everything about tonight has been so perfect… Tack min älskling.” She leaned in to kiss him gently, his arms wrapping securely around her.

William smiled against her lips before pulling back slightly. “I have to admit,” he began, hesitating as he searched for the right words, “the stuff you told us this morning—I’ve been thinking about it a lot today. Not in a bad way, but… how come I never knew about all that with your ex and those friends? Like… they’re seriously fucked up. I’m just a little surprised you’ve never mentioned it.”

Loren gazed at him, her smile soft and apologetic. “I never brought it up because, honestly, I don’t even think about it anymore. It’s like this blip in time that’s so insignificant now. It just… doesn’t matter enough to come up.”

William nodded slowly. “Yeah, okay… I get that.” He stabbed a rigatoni noodle onto his fork and offered it to her with a small smile. “But, uh… do you know if you’re going to meet up with what’s-her-face?”

Loren leaned back against the counter, crossing her arms loosely as she met his gaze. “I’m not sure. I don’t really see a reason to. Life’s been just fine without them. Honestly, I’m relieved they did me a massive favor by ending the whole faux-friendship thing we had going.” She reached for the wine bottle and poured the last of it into their glasses. “Do you think I should?”

William shrugged, his expression thoughtful. “Well… I mean, you owe them fuck all. But it might be interesting for them to see just how great you’re doing.”

Loren took a slow sip of her wine, considering his words. “I know you’re not saying I need their attention or validation, but… honestly? I couldn’t care less about that. On the other hand, if I go, I could see if anything’s really changed with Kayla or anyone else. If not, yeah, I might waste a couple of hours, but at least I’ll know where things stand.”

William tilted his head, his voice softening. “How about this—if you do meet them, don’t go to them. Have them come here. I’ll help you pick a nice spot. You meet up, and if you do it when I’m home, I’ll be there.”

Loren’s brows furrowed slightly, her expression caught between confusion and misgiving. “But—”

William shook his head, already anticipating her protest. “No buts. I’ll grab a spot—a table. I’ll bring some buddies, hang out nearby. You won’t even have to look at me if you don’t want to, but I’ll be close by. Just in case.”

Loren thought about it for a moment, her heart swelling at his thoughtfulness. Finally, she smiled. “I’ll think about it. And I guess if I get to glance at you once in a while… the night wouldn’t be a total waste.” She winked, clinking her glass gently against his.

The evening of Loren’s meetup with Kayla, Avrie, and Livia arrived in a flash after she had made arrangements the week prior. Following William’s suggestions, Loren requested the women make the 45-minute trek into the city, explaining she was swamped with meetings downtown. The highly-rated lounge William helped her choose, located on Queen Street West, was the perfect mix of cozy and eclectic—a beautiful spot for cocktails without feeling too pretentious.

Loren emerged from the bedroom into the kitchen, dressed in the outfit she’d carefully selected for the night. To her, it was simple—just a black turtleneck and pencil skirt paired with knee-high heeled boots. But to William, she was art in motion. With her hair pulled back into a sleek ponytail and makeup applied flawlessly, she radiated effortless sophistication. A slow, wide grin spread across his face as he watched her move across the room.

“You look… wow,” he said, his voice warm and genuine.

Loren smiled softly, smoothing her skirt. “It’s just a turtleneck and a skirt.”

William chuckled, shaking his head. “It’s not ‘just’ and not when it’s on a body like yours.”

The plan for the evening was straightforward enough. Alex and William, along with a few of William’s friends, would head to the same lounge about 30 minutes after Loren’s reservation time at 7:00. William had arranged for them to have a table nearby—close enough to keep an eye on things, but far enough to not be a distraction. The lounge staff, who were familiar with William from his years in Toronto, had no trouble accommodating their specific seating requests.

William’s primary goal was to be there for moral support without intruding, even if their carefully orchestrated plan made it feel like something out of a spy movie. Protecting their relationship in such a public space required a bit of strategy, but it was worth it.

There was also an element of playful mischief to William’s plan. If the women weren’t hockey fans, his presence might go unnoticed—but if they were, a well-timed bottle of champagne sent to their table by the Nylander brothers would surely make an impression. And if the moment called for it, William had no problem walking up, introducing himself, and appearing utterly captivated by Loren.

“Don’t stress about it too much,” William said as Loren checked her phone for updates. “It’s just a couple of hours, and by 9:00, we’ll be almost home, in bed by 10, and very satisfied by 11.” His smirk was down-right devilish as he leaned against the counter.

Loren cocked an eyebrow. “Or we can just cancel the potential shit-show and get started early,” she grinned. “Seriously though - William… thank you for sort of holding my hand through this part.” Loren walked up to him with a little seductive sway. “Can I eye fuck you a little from across the room?”

William chuckled. “Yeah - I think I’d be upset if you didn't.”

—

Midway through the second round of drinks—for everyone but Loren—Livia wrapped up her long-winded story about the drama swirling around her life over the past few years. Loren nursed her drink, smiling politely as she listened, all the while feeling a sense of detachment. Same group, same dynamics, same chaos. She realized that not much had changed for them since she left that part of her life behind.

Every now and then, Loren’s eyes flicked over to William. He was seated at a table across the lounge, laughing at something Alex had said. She caught him glancing her way more than once, his lips curling into a small, reassuring smile that calmed her nerves. Meanwhile, Alex was keeping her entertained with a steady stream of messages, most of which were filled with playful commentary about her companions.

Alex: Which one’s Kayla? The brunette with the long straight hair?

Loren: really Alex…jesus. **

Alex: What - is she up for a little action. Want me to bring her back with us tonight?

Loren: I will fucking start adding estrogen to your smoothies if you do.

She bit back a laugh, setting her phone aside as Kayla turned her attention to her. “So, Loren,” she began, leaning forward in her seat. “What’s your deal these days? Are you seeing anyone?”

“And where are you staying in the city?” Livia chimed in. “It must be nice to be downtown so much.”

“Also,” Avrie added, giving Loren an exaggerated once-over, “you have to tell us how you look like this now. You’re glowing.”

Loren smiled, holding her glass delicately in one hand. Her answers were vague but polite, carefully crafted to satisfy their curiosity without giving them a single piece of meaningful information.

She was amazed at how easily she could wordsmith her way through their questions, a skill she hadn’t fully appreciated until now. These women weren’t interested in her happiness or growth—they wanted gossip, diet hacks, and anything surface-level that could fuel their next group chat.

Loren’s tolerance was wearing thin. When Kayla called over the server for one more round, Loren decided to ask what their plan was for getting home. “Are you guys staying downtown tonight?” she inquired casually.

Kayla and Livia exchanged an awkward glance before Avrie offered a sheepish smile. “Uh, so… Ashley is our ride. She, um, kind of found out about the plan to meet up with you and asked to come tonight.”

Loren’s stomach flipped, though her expression didn’t falter. “Really…where is she?” she asked, her tone perfectly even.

Kayla nodded, looking mildly uncomfortable. “She said she might not come in and would just wait in the car. We made her the DD.”

The last time Loren had laid eyes on Ashley was the fateful night that she walked in on Drew railing her against a bathroom counter. She was so fragile then and she remembered it completely shattering what was left of her.

Loren sipped her drink to steady herself, forcing her hands to remain still. So much for mending fences, she thought bitterly. They didn’t come here to reconnect—they came to pry, to gossip. The realization made her feel foolish for even agreeing to this meeting.

Glancing at her phone, she noted the time. 7:56 p.m. She decided right then and there: come hell or high water, she was out of there no later than 9:00.

As Kayla launched into yet another anecdote, Loren subtly tapped out a quick message to William.

Loren: I think you’re having way more fun than I am lol

William: Probably. Keep up the eye fucking tho. I like it.

She hid her grin at the response. She resolved to stick it out just a little longer—not for them, but for herself. Just to be 100% certain with knowing they were still the same as they always were, and that she had long rid herself of the petty and toxic dynamics that once surrounded her.

After Avrie wrapped up her own synopsis of what’s wrong with everyone else in the world, Loren suddenly sensed the energy shift in the room, like an uncomfortable presence. When she finally turned, there was Ashley—approaching the table tentatively, shoulders rounded and head slightly bowed. It was a stark contrast to the Ashley Loren remembered, the one who used to stride into rooms like she owned them, commanding attention with her confidence and beguiling smile.

Now, Ashley looked… tired. Her eyes were shadowed, her posture meek. Loren’s skin bristled, tension gripping her muscles, but she forced herself to sit still. I can do this. Leaving in less than an hour - I’ve already made it this far.

Ashley greeted the table with a faint smile, her gaze flickering over Loren and lingering for just a moment longer than the others. “Hey Loren,” she said softly, visibly taken aback by Loren’s transformation.

Loren’s phone vibrated against the table, pulling her focus for a moment. The other women had been periodically scrolling their phones, so she didn’t feel bad about checking hers.

It was from William.

You good?

Another message popped up almost instantly from Alex:

Who dat?

Loren suppressed a smile and quickly replied, dat is Ashley 😬.

Glancing up, she caught William’s eyes from across the room. He gave her a subtle, questioning look, and she responded with a slight nod and a small smile. They exchanged a silent conversation with just their expressions—an unspoken reassurance that he was there if she needed him.

The conversation at the table flowed, at least on the surface. It was amicable enough, but Loren could feel the tension simmering beneath each exchange. Ashley didn’t say much, her words carefully chosen, as if she knew she wasn’t entirely welcome. Loren couldn’t decide if she felt pity for her or if her wariness outweighed everything else.

Then, as if on cue, a server approached the table, balancing a tray of champagne flutes filled with vibrant, sparkling concoctions. “Compliments of the gentlemen at that table,” he said, nodding toward William and Alex’s group.

Loren’s cheeks flushed as her gaze locked onto William’s once more. He was watching her, a small, knowing smile tugging at his lips. Her bashful grin spread across her face, and she bit her bottom lip to stifle a laugh.

“Wait, what?” Avrie blurted, spinning in her seat to look at the men. Recognition dawned on her face almost instantly. “Oh my god, that’s William Nylander.”

Kayla turned as well, her eyes widening as she made the connection. “And fuck, his brother’s there too… Jesus Christ.”

Avrie, the same one who had spent twenty minutes earlier gushing about her “amazing boyfriend,” leaned in conspiratorially. “Given the chance,” she said with a sly grin, “I’d easily make myself single for one night - even one hour - with him.” She nodded toward William. “I wouldn’t think twice and I sure wouldn’t feel guilty about it.”

Loren’s mouth dropped inside her mind at the thought, but she didn’t let it show. She sipped her drink, silently enjoying their reaction.

The women’s chatter about how they’d “take down” the Nylander brothers grew louder, making Loren’s cheeks flush even deeper. But just as the conversation was hitting a crescendo, William rose from his table. Her eyes followed him as he made his way toward them, his confident swagger impossible to miss.

Her breath caught slightly as he stopped at their table. His voice was warm and polite, but Loren could see the mischievous glint in his eyes. “Hope you’re all having a good night,” he said smoothly, nodding to the group. “And I hope you’re enjoying the drinks.”

The women looked stunned, their mouths slightly agape, but William’s gaze had already landed on Loren. He tilted his head slightly, his lips curving into a faint smile. “I feel like I know you from somewhere,” he said, his tone tinged with playful sheepishness.

Loren raised an eyebrow, playing along. “We met briefly in March,” she said lightly, “the Easter Seals Skate.”

Recognition seemed to dawn on his face as he snapped his fingers. “That’s it. I knew you looked familiar. It’s good to see you.”

The exchange between them felt electric, as if no one else existed in that moment. The women at the table sat frozen, watching the scene unfold like a live tennis match. Although on the surface, their exchange was just polite banter—but their attraction to one another was palpable and electric.

Loren couldn’t help the small, satisfied smile that crept onto her face as William excused himself, flashing her one last look before walking back to his table. She glanced at the women, who were still staring after him, their faces a mix of shock and envy.

Well, that went better than expected, Loren thought, hiding her smirk behind her champagne flute.

Loren felt the weight of their collective gaze as their eyes locked onto her, the questions starting immediately.

“So… you know William Nylander?”

“Have you two slept together? What’s he like??”

“Is he single?”

“Have you met anyone else on the team?”

Their voices overlapped in a barrage of curiosity and thinly veiled prying. Loren stayed calm, her expression neutral, silently groaning over how shallow these women sounded. They were fishing for gossip just to pass along, feeding their own sense if superiority.

Loren began to respond to the questions as she remembered each one. “Well, like I mentioned, I met him in March,” Loren said simply, her voice even because it was true.

“It would be such a dream to be with him…like that…he’s a little out of my league though I think.” Again, Loren felt this was the truth…these have been her thoughts many times.

“It’s hard to know what’s truth and rumour - but I feel his career is his prime focus.”

“I’ve met a bunch of the guys on the team, the same way I met William….through a charity event that I helped raise money for.”

Her answers were direct, concise, and left no room for further interpretation. She smiled politely but didn’t elaborate, making it clear she had no intention of feeding their curiosity. The women exchanged glances, clearly unsatisfied but unable to push further without looking desperate.

“Well, that’s boring,” Avrie muttered under her breath, earning a light laugh from Kayla.

Loren sipped her drink, unbothered. This was their game - and she couldn’t have cared less.

A lull in the conversation gave Loren her opportunity. “Excuse me,” she said, standing and smoothing her skirt. “I’m just going to the washroom.”

She walked away, feeling their eyes on her back. Once she was out of sight, Loren pulled out her phone to text William to tell him he was absolutely amazing and to thank him again for being there. Before she could type the message, she heard the faint sound of footsteps behind her. She turned to see Ashley walking toward her, her steps hesitant and tentative. Loren’s stomach twisted, but she didn’t say anything, opting to walk into the washroom instead.

Inside the stall, Loren’s phone buzzed, a text from William:

Did Ashley follow you in? Don’t like this. Pls call me if anything feels weird.

Loren exhaled deeply, her nerves suddenly on edge. She tapped out a quick reply: She’s coming in but it’s ok I think. I will call if I need you. Thank you my love.

The sound of the washroom door opening, followed by a stall door closing echoed in the room. Loren wasn’t sure whether to feel uneasy or just annoyed. The quiet stretched, punctuated only by the occasional sound of flushing water or ripping toilet paper.

Finally, as Loren stepped out to wash her hands, Ashley emerged as well. Their reflections met in the mirror, two very different women bound by a shared, messy history.

Ashley’s eyes floated to Loren’s reflection in the mirror, then quickly away, as though she couldn’t hold her gaze for long. Loren’s movements were slow and deliberate as she lathered her hands, pretending not to notice the tension radiating off the other woman.

“I wasn’t sure if I should even come tonight,” Ashley finally said, her voice soft, almost timid. “But I… I needed to.”

Loren’s hands stilled under the running water, but she didn’t look up. Instead, she grabbed a paper towel and dried her hands, giving Ashley space to continue.

“I wanted to tell you…” Ashley hesitated, her fingers nervously fidgeting with the hem of her sleeve. “I wanted to say how sorry I am. For everything. What I did to you… it still eats at me. You were the one of the most trustworthy - the most genuine person I’ve ever been friends with and I….well….I guess I don’t need to repeat what I did…,” Ashley’s trailed off.

Loren finally looked at her. Ashley’s shoulders were rounded, her once confident posture replaced with something that almost resembled shame. Her eyes, tired and brimming with tears, searched Loren’s face for any sign of forgiveness.

“I…” Loren started, then paused. She folded her arms across her chest, leaning slightly against the sink. “Ashley, I’m sorry this is something you still carry around…but it’s all in the past now - it’s been years. And yes, it was the hardest time in my life—and one of the lowest—but honestly, I’m beyond thankful for what happened.”

Ashley blinked, startled. “Thankful?”

Loren nodded. “It forced me to see people - to see everything as it truly was….Drew leaving, you ladies…well, I don’t want to drudge it all back up….but all of it, blessings in disguise.”

Ashley’s lips trembled as she bit down on them, nodding slowly. Loren could see the regret etched into her expression, and for the first time, she felt a sliver of sympathy..

Ashley exhaled a shaky breath. “I’m glad it worked out when he left you. Maybe the same will happen for me.”

Loren’s brows furrowed, confusion flashing across her face. “What do you mean?”

Ashley looked down at her hands, twisting her fingers. “Drew… after he left you, I stopped seeing him. He left for Alberta years ago but he came back and into my life about six months ago. I was so leery, but he seemed so different. Regretful. He charmed me, said all the right things, made me believe he’d changed. And for a while, I believed him.”

Loren’s stomach sank, her fingers tightening around the edge of the counter. “Ashley…”

Ashley’s voice wavered as she continued. “He hasn’t changed. If anything, he’s worse. Controlling, volatile… I can’t stand being at home with him. All I do is work just to avoid him, but even then…” Her voice broke, and she looked up at Loren, tears streaming down her cheeks. “But there’s something else. He’s been trying to figure out where your house is.”

Loren’s body tensed, her eyes widening. “What?”

Ashley nodded, her voice barely above a whisper. “He saw you on that talk show, and then your online videos… he said he wanted to try to remember where your house is - so he could come by just to apologize for everything - but the neighborhood looks completely different with all the new houses that were built. I think it something that’s been really bothering him.”

Dread washed over Loren as her mind raced. Drew’s agitation, his fixation—it made her stomach twist into knots, a feeling that was still far too familiar and Drew was always the source of it.

Ashley’s voice cracked as she added, “I want - I - I think I need to get away from him, but I don’t know how. I don’t even know where to start.”

Loren steadied herself, forcing the siren going off in her head to quiet. She met Ashley’s tearful gaze and spoke calmly but firmly. “Ashley. Think of it this way: you have two choices. Either you stay and let him drain you until there’s nothing left, or you make a plan and get out.”

Ashley sobbed quietly, nodding but looking utterly lost. “I don’t know how - my mind is a mess….like all the time.”

“Do you have someone close to you that you trust? Anyone who can take you in, even just for a while?”

Ashley hesitated, then nodded faintly. “Maybe…”

“Then start there,” Loren said, her tone unwavering. “Pack a bag when he’s not around. Make sure you have money in an account with a bank card that he doesn’t have access to. Depending on how he reacts - and if he does react badly - keep track of everything. At least start a file with the police if it escalates - make them aware of what’s happening.”

Ashley wiped at her tears, nodding again. Loren’s heart clenched, torn between wanting to help, the flash thought of giving Ashley shelter popped into her mind - but she corrected herself quickly - she had to keep her own boundaries intact.

As they left the washroom, Loren’s mind was buzzing with everything Ashley had shared. Her thoughts came to a screeching halt, however, when she looked up and saw William at the bar—talking to Drew.

Her blood ran cold. Ashley froze beside her, her face pale. Neither of them had expected this.

William’s smile disappeared the moment he saw Loren and Ashley reenter the room. The way she looked - her jaw clenched and her eyes scanning the bar - he knew something was up. He looked back at the man he’d been casually chatting with moments earlier. The man’s expression had turned dark and menacing. William gut instinct was that it was Drew sitting there. He felt the tension radiating off Loren even as she kept her composure as best as she could.

As the women moved closer to the bar, Ashley leaned in close to Loren, her voice trembling as she spoke under her breath, “He must’ve seen my messages. I—maybe he took my phone while I was asleep?”

Loren whispered a simple “it’s ok” as a response.

Instead of acknowledging Drew, Loren’s focus zeroed in on William. She offered him a polite smile and softly thanked him. “Thanks for the drinks. It was nice to see you again.” The undercurrent in her tone was clear—she wanted to leave.

William caught on immediately. Without a word, but with a smile to acknowledge Loren’s appreciation, he turned back to the manager and finished up their conversation. He thanked him for his help and made arrangements to cover both Loren’s table and his own. As William prepared to return to his table, he glanced at Drew, who lingered at the bar, pretending not to notice their exchange. “Have a good night,” William said tersely, his voice just loud enough, then muttered motherfucker under his breath as he walked away.

Drew, sensing the shift in the air, seemed to pick up on the silent watchfulness of the bartender and the manager. He remained at the bar, his earlier boastfulness noticeably absent.

Loren and Ashley returned to the table, where Kayla, Avrie, and Livia stared at them with mild shock on their faces. Loren, remaining composed, offered only a dry half-smile. “Well,” she said lightly, “I think that’s my cue to leave.”

The cattiness that usually was so prevalent in the group wasn’t there; even they couldn’t argue against Loren’s decision to leave. The server arrived with another round of drinks for the remaining three women and a virgin concoction for Ashley, announcing that the bill had already been taken care of. Loren reached for her coat, and while quickly slipping it on, she realized so happy and free she felt. She really had no ties to any of these women, or better yet, no ties to the narcissist of a man that was once in her life sitting at the bar ruminating about all the cunts in the world that cause him problems.

She pulled a small wad of cash from her purse and left it on the table. “A little extra for the server,” she said, knowing full well the others wouldn’t follow suit.

She wished the ladies well but before turning to leave, Loren put her hands on Ashley’s shoulders and leaned her head down. In the softest, most discreet tone, she said, “Take care of yourself. And if you have no other options… reach out. I’ll try to help.”

Ashley’s eyes filled with something that looked like a mixture of shame and gratitude. She nodded faintly, her lips trembling as she whispered, “Thank you.”

Loren didn’t spare another glance in Drew’s direction as she slipped through the lounge doors and out into the crisp night air. The crowd inside shifted easily to fill the space she left behind, and within moments, it was as though she was never there.

While Kayla was quick to start the proceedings and grill Ashley demanding to know what all was said in the washroom and at the bar, Avrie had a Swede on her mind. She swiveled in her seat, scanning the room for any lingering signs of the Nylanders. “Do you think they’re still here?” she asked, her neck craning to search the space.

The answer came quickly enough. Their table, once occupied by William, Alex, and their friends, was now empty. The servers were already clearing it for the next group of patrons. Whatever hopes Avrie had for an illicit encounter with William vanished as she turned back to her drink with a pout.

Meanwhile, Loren and William were in the backseat of his friend Mark’s SUV, with Alex sat in the front. As Mark drove toward the condo, Loren sat quietly holding William’s hand looking out the window at the exterior lights of the many bars and restaurants in the area. The chatter from Alex and Mark in the front brought her mind back, a mix of disbelief and adrenaline fueled their commentary about the events of the evening.

“That’s unbelievable that you were just standing there, chatting with some random guy,” Alex said, shaking his head. “And it turns out to be him - the douchebag.”

William’s grip on Loren’s hand tightened slightly, the tension in his shoulders beginning to become bothersome.

Mark chimed in with a low whistle. “That guy - sorry Loren - he’s a real piece of work, though. You could just see how much of a piece of shit he really was.”

Loren finally glanced over at William, her hand slipping onto his thigh. “Thank you,” she said softly, her voice filled with meaning.

William glanced at her briefly, his features softening. “You don’t have to thank me,” he murmured. “I just want to get you home.”

The rest of the drive passed in comfortable silence, the tension from earlier slowly dissipating. As Mark dropped them off, William’s hand found Loren’s waist as they walked in, giving it a reassuring squeeze. In that moment, she felt the weight of the evening begin to lift. They were all safely back in the warmth and comfort of the condo, with Pablo and Banksy anxiously waiting for their return.

Later that night, with the dogs softly snoring at the foot of the bed and the city quiet outside their windows, William and Loren lay tangled together under the covers. Loren rested her head on his chest, her fingers tracing patterns along his abdomen.

She’d just finished recounting her conversation with Ashley in the washroom, and William’s hand absently ran up and down her back as he listened. When she was done, he shook his head, letting out a low groan.

“I think you need to cut all ties,” he said bluntly, though the softness in his voice made it clear he wasn’t being critical. "And - fuck, I don't feel right about you being alone at your house. Even if that motherfucker can't remember which one his your house, that shit really bothers me. We'll look at getting one of those camera systems, okay?" William paused and then began to tease. "Jesus, I mean, I thought my friend group in Stockholm had its fair share of drama, but your ex-life? It takes the prize.”

Loren chuckled softly, her breath warm against his skin. “With Ashley, I would only help her if she had absolutely no other options, William. I’m not about to jump back into a situation that isn’t mine to fix.”

William tipped her chin up with his fingers, his lips brushing hers. “What is it you always say?” His voice was quiet, teasing. “Not my—?”

Loren smiled, kissing him lightly before finishing the sentence. “Not my sink, not my dishes.”

William laughed, his chest rumbling against her cheek. “I’ve only ever heard ‘Not my circus, not my monkeys.’”

Loren tilted her head, pretending to ponder this. “Oh right - that’s the better one,” she admitted before her lips twitched mischievously. “How about ‘Not my pig, not my farm’.”

William smirked, leaning down to kiss her again. “Ok….’Not my...’?” He paused, clearly stumped as his eyebrows furrowed. “Fuck - I got nothing.”

Loren further countered with “Not my cow, not my pasture.”

William let out a groan of mock defeat, rolling her onto her back and hovering over her. “Okay, well now you’re just showing off.”

“Maybe,” she teased, her hands sliding into his hair as he kissed her deeply. “Don’t you love it when I get all showy?”

“Showy….maybe,” his voice low and playful as his lips trailed down her neck. “You wanna show me something?”

Loren giggled, wrapping her arms around him. In that moment, the weight of the evening dissolved entirely, replaced by the laughter and warmth of a man that she was deeply in love with.

I hope you enjoyed this, Nonnie ❤️

[jeonscatalyst]

https://www.tumblr.com/jeonscatalyst/773615462523224064/its-amazing-how-undeniably-special-and-different?source=share

But Tkkrs told me that jungkook never shared his clothes with anyone and ONLY does it with taehyung lol. I'm not saying it to just say i have actually came across them making this thing as caption and even having thousands of likes. Not just once but tens of times and i always wonder what do ppl get out of lying. When you tell these ppl that's not true they'll be like "Fk you anti", "you're jealous", "Y'all want what they have" the most re respectful they can get is "make your own for your ship" my point is It's not about making one for every ship it's the captions that bother me because you're (not You) clearly spreading misinformation and when someone corrects you u say make one for ur ship when the fact here is you're (talking about tkkrs) lying on your ship and making up stuff about the said man. Like look at the way you made your post where you addressed as how jungkook now is not as strict with his clothes like he used to during we early yrs and now shares clothes with others but they just go around saying "He NEVER did this with others" when it's just a lie??

We actually have far more evidence of Jungkook willingly and happily sharing his clothes with Jimin than with any other member.

Remember in ITS when Jimin thought he lost his luggage or left it behind? Jungkook immediately offered to share his clothes with him, saying he had brought a lot of clothes. This is the same Jungkook who has always been known for not being comfortable with others wearing his clothes, yet he didn’t hesitate for Jimin.

There’s also another moment from 2016 (if I’m remembering correctly) where Jungkook gave a cold Jimin his hoodie to wear without the latter even asking for it. My point is, Jungkook has never had an issue sharing his clothes with Jimin. While there may be other moments of Jungkook letting members borrow his clothes, especially as they’ve grown older, don’t let anyone tell you he’s ever been this comfortable with anyone besides Jimin. This isn’t about ship wars (arguments) it’s about the facts. And the fact is, Jimin has always been the exception to Jungkook’s usual stance on sharing his clothes.

[synthshenanigans]

What platform do you use to make your art?

Also any tips for very new artists who are bad at art

IbisPaint X!! Its free & im p sure its on most devices (i use my phone for like 90% of my art).

But sometimes ill plan out or make a rough draft of a piece on my tablet. Its an amazon one so its got like NO art apps...at all. But the best ive found thats free & its called ArtFlow!

As for tips about art, im like the worst at answering that since 90% of when im drawing im just fuckin around and attempting to find out. Most I can think of to say is below! [its a bit long oops]

1. Have fun with finding your style. My art style almost changes every year if not like multiple times a year. Hell if you look at how i drew HMS in like, March it looks very different than how i draw them now. But every time it changes i feel more confident in it! Also its just fun sometimes to draw in a different way :}

2. Its 100% chill if you ever feel burntout or feel like ya "lost the touch". Feel like its said a lot but you do get out of that pit (haha get it like the song) eventually and youll prolly even make something ur hella proud of! Also if its not goin great its good to take a br8k and maybe try the next day. Sometimes ya just be in a funk and its best to make sure ur all hydrated n rested. And a much as i don't listen to myself sometimes, those things rlly do help

3. Last thing i can think of is that its sometimes real difficult to find a good reference of somethin. Whether it be like a pose, an outfit or something, you can always use yourself as a ref! For things like a ref to look at or even to use as a base. And of course not everyone like taking a photo of themself (me included) but its not only very helpful and takes less time than searching through pinterest & google for like an hour, but helps you get confident in yourself! Ive never be confident in myself (specially with that gender dysphoria an all) but it helps to take a photo in a pose, outfit or even a half ass cosplay. Gettin used to yourself in a photo might take a bit but it takes you a good way.

Sorry if this didnt help im not quite good at tips and teaching things. If youd like more ideas/help with things like shading or somethin, id be happy to post a vid of like a speedpaint or something on how i color n stuff :}

Hope this helps!!! 💜

[cy-cyborg]

Toph Beifong doesn’t hold up as disability representation - Disability in the Media

[ID: A screenshot of Toph, a twelve-year-old girl with black hair in a loose, green and tan short-sleeve shirt and shorts, cheering in an arena. Next to text written in a rough, blocky font: "Disability in Media - Toph Beifong Doesn't hold up as disability representation" /End ID]

Avatar the Last Airbender is one of my all-time favourite TV-shows, and Toph is still easily one of my favourite members of Team Avatar. I was a few years younger than Toph when the show first started airing, and being a disabled kid who was into martial arts, constantly being dismissed by my able-bodied opponents and teachers, meant that I connected very strongly with her right from the get-go.

But upon my last couple of rewatches of the series, I began to come to the realisation that my opinions on Toph as a shining example of good disability representation were... well, pretty heavily influenced by my nostalgia for the show and that many aspects of Toph's character just don't hold up today. Which, honestly is fair, the show is nearly 19 years old (if it were a person in my country, it would be old enough to drink) and I think it's pretty ridiculous to expect every part of every character from an 19 year old show to age well. So today I wanted to talk about the things I think Avatar the original Last Airbender did right with Toph, where I think they missed the mark, and what changes I think would need to be made to Toph to make her work for a modern audience.

So let's start with why I think Toph doesn't really hold up as "good disability representation" today, and the elements of her character that just haven't aged as well.

For me, one of the biggest issues I noticed upon rewatching the show, is how often we are told (often by Toph herself) that she is blind, but how infrequently we are actually shown it's impact on her life beyond her bending or outside of jokey contexts. Outside of her bending, we only ever see her blindness impacting her ability to do things like read or write, otherwise, she functionally has full vision -so far as the audience is informed - with the only exceptions being when she's in the air or water (e.g. on Appa or in the submarines) or in loose soil (e.g. the desert). Having places and circumstances where she doesn't have access to her power that allows her to "see" was a step in the right direction, but I do think it would have been better if her seismic sense wasn't quite as accurate, even in the most ideal of circumstances.

But why? Well, I think Suki explains it really well, long before Toph is even introduced. when Sokka says "I should have seen you as a warrior instead of a girl" Suki stops him and says "I am a warrior, but I'm also a girl". Being a warrior and a woman are both important parts of Suki's character, and only recognising her as one or the other means ignoring a big part of who she is, and the same is true for Toph. Being blind is a big part of toph's character that has informed a lot of her life, but so is being a warrior and bending master. Many people see Toph as a warrior or fighter, but ignore her disability, but both are important. She's disabled, and a warrior, and those things don't cancel each other out, the same way being a warrior doesn't diminish Suki's status as a woman.

When the show was still airing though (and even still today) it was very common to see non-disabled fans of the show exclaiming that they honestly forget that Toph is even blind sometimes, with many people going so far as to say that she's not even disabled (and that this was a good thing). While I do think some of that comes from the fact they weren't used to seeing a disabled character as both disabled and an active participant in these kinds of stories, I do think this mostly happened because of the show's lack of, well, showing the impact of her blindness on her daily life and allowing her earthbending and seismic sense to erase the effects of her disability to some extent. It's much harder to forget a character is blind when it impacts their daily life in ways that are shown to the audience. This doesn't have to be in big, showy ways mind you, showing things subtly but consistently works way better than one "very special episode" type setup.

In the show as it is though, the seismic sense functionally gives Toph a perfect image of her surroundings until it's just not available anymore for *plot reasons*.

[ID: A black and white shot of Toph and how she sees the oponent she's fighting, with shockwaves radiating from him towards her to indicate how she's interpreting the scene. Her foe has jumped into the air and now has his hand dug into the ground of an arena, about to launch rocks towards her. /End ID]

In many ways, her picture of the world is better and clearer than what the non-disabled characters can see, leading to this feeling of her disability being erased. It may have been better though if the seismic sense could give her a general idea of big things in her immediate vicinity but she still missed the finer details, functioning at least a little bit more like a tactile/earthy-vibration version of the limited sight some legally-blind people have in real life. Things like a person's position, movement and overall pose would still be "visible" to her in a general sense, as well as big things in the environment (including things underground, since there are a few plot-points that require that), but smaller things like details about objects and creatures, people's facial expressions or what they're doing with parts of their body that have no direct contact with the ground (like their hands) is less clear. On top of this, she may struggle to detect smaller, lighter objects or creatures that realistically wouldn't cause much of a vibration at all. creatures as small and as light as Momo and Hawky for example might be detectable, but "fuzzy" to her, and anything smaller might make enough of a vibration to tell her it's there when it moves, but not enough for her to be able to tell what specifically it is without some other cue (such as sound). There are a few moments in the show that seem to imply this is what they were initially going for, but it's not really consistent, and is directly contradicted in her debut episode, "the blind bandit" when she explains that she can even "see" something as small as the ants off in the distance.

[ID: A shot of Aang, a twelve-year-old bald boy with an arrow tattoo on his head, dressed in a yellow and orange outfit, standing with Toph at night. In the foreground is an anthill will a trail of ants, which Aang is looking for. /End ID]

With an adjustment like what I'm suggesting though, she still serves her narrative purpose of teaching Aang the importance of being able to wait and listen - possibly even more so, as her needing to wait and collect more information in order to get a clearer image before striking, would back-up what Bumi tells Aang that he needs in an earth bending master. It would also still help to illustrate the connectedness of the world, a theme Toph continues to embody heavily in The Legend of Korra, while still showing the ways her disability impacts her more frequently.

When I talked about the "super-crip" trope a while back, I mentioned that one way to avoid the more harmful elements of the trope (where the character's disability is erased by their powers) is to use the ability in question more like a mobility or disability aid than a straight-up cure. The power should help them, but shouldn't make their disability redundant. People are creative and we would find ways to use a superpower or magic to help with our disabilities if it were available in real life, but what's the point of including a disabled character if you're just going to functionally erase their disability? For a character like Toph, I think this is the kind of approach that should be taken with her. Her seismic sense still helps her, but it's not a perfect replacement. (Ironically, I did use Toph as a "good" example of that trope, but I do think after this last rewatch, for the reasons I'm discussing here, I might have to backtrack that a bit).

I considered giving an alternative approach here, to keep the sensitivity of toph's seismic sense as it is in the show as is, but giving it draw-backs such as making her susceptible to sensory overload similar to what autistic people experience. However, while replacing one disability with another can work for some characters and stories, I don't think it's the best adjustment to make for Toph or any blind character, largely thanks to this also being a trope. The "blind (or d/Deaf) person who's other senses become super-human to make up for it" trope is very common in fantasy, sci-fi as well as older martial arts films, and while I'm not really the best person to cover it, I do know that members of both the blind and deaf communities have expressed a lot of frustration with it. Toph already falls into this trope quite a bit, and any suggestions I could make would have just dialled that element up to 11, and fixing one problem with another is never a good idea.

Another thing that actually did bug me for a while, even before my most recent rewatch of the show, is how Toph is treated on the rare occasions she does point out something won't working for her. There are a number of times where Toph advocates for herself and points out that something The Gaang is doing isn't accessible to her or sets a boundary to do with her disability, and she's either left behind, her concerns are brushed off or she's ignored entirely. The three most noticeable examples of this are in the Episodes "The Ember Island Players," "The Library," and Toph and Katara's segment of "Tales of Ba Sing Se."

In the Ember Island Players, Toph complains that the seats they have for the play are too high up and too far away, and she's unable to "see" what's happening on stage. Her friends don't really take any notice of her though except for Katara who tells her not to worry, "I'll tell your feet what's happening."

[ID: A shot of Katara, a fourteen-year-old girl with long brown hair and blue eyes, sitting with Toph, who is sitting with her arms crossed, annoying in a theatre seat. Both Toph and Katara are wearing red and gold, fire-themed outfits. Katara is looking at something off-screen. /End ID]

My problem here is that this particular kind of situation is something that is familiar to a lot of disabled people. Even the least independent disabled people I know get annoyed when their access needs or requests for accommodations, even among friends, are ignored and their pushback is brushed off with "don't worry, I'll just help you!" It's one of the first things that many disabled people tell non-disabled folks wishing to be better allies to us: you offering help instead of actually accommodating us isn't a good thing. We don't want to rely on others if we can avoid it, because honestly, non-disabled people often aren't very good at actually helping or in this case, relaying information to us without training and more often than not, it just results in us being left out. I find it very hard to believe a character as independent as Toph would accept that without any protest, especially considering that is pretty much exactly what ends up happening (even if the show didn't really acknowledge it). Katara never actually conveys anything about the play to Toph, except when she's attempting to throw Toph's words back in her face when she asks for clarification about the actor playing her - which ends up backfiring on her.

[ID: A shot from the same location as before, this time Toph has a huge smile on her face and is leaning on the balcony excitedly while Katara is leaning towards her, annoyed by her reaction. /End ID]

While it would have been better if Toph was actually listened to, it would have been…fine? if a justification was given for why they had to sit there (e.g. to avoid being recognised), if Katara had actually described the play for her. This wouldn't have been ideal, but it would have been better at least. In real life, many movies, TV shows (including this show's sequel series, The Legend of Korra) and other forms of visual media have an Audio Description track that does exactly that. If they weren't going to move for Toph to be able to see better, having Katara describe the play could have introduced kids to the fact this is an option. but instead it's brushed off, and I'll admit, it left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, even back in 2006.

The Library is a bit more forgivable in my opinion, since Toph is still new to the group, but in this episode, she states that she doesn't want to go inside the spirit library because she isn't able to read and therefor there wouldn't be anything for her to do. However, it still would have been nice to see her friends consider this at all before they actually arrived. They could have (and should have) still gone, but some acknowledgement that they at least thought about the inclusion of their disabled friend would have been nice.

[ID: A shot of Aang, Katara, Sokka and another man are talking while looking down at a map on the table. Meanwhile, Toph is sitting on the other side of the table, completely disinterested as she sips from a large ice cup with her feet up on another chair. /End ID]

Alternatively, I do feel like Wan Shi Tong, a self-proclaimed all-knowing-spirit or his assistants would have been able to point her in the direction of something to interest her, since he does imply books aren't the only form of knowledge he collects.

The reason I mention this though is two-fold. In real life, disabled people are very often left out of "fun" group activities, whether that be in formal settings or in casual ones, like hanging out with friends. If the episode had been framed as "the Gaang learns about the library and decides to track it down," I might have been less critical, but it's specifically framed as something that at least starts out as a kind of break for the team where they all take turns picking out fun things to do so they can rest, and Toph's access needs not being considered at all until they're already there hits a bit close to home, especially since they just end up leaving her outside. Secondly, there's also a stereotype that disabled people (and especially blind people) don't belong in academia and places of learning, such as in this case, libraries. This stereotype is about as old as the concept of organised institutions of learning, and definitely isn't unique to AtLA, but the assumption is often that disabled people wouldn't be interested in more formal methods of learning, so it's not worth accommodating us. With blind people in particular, when I've seen this in media, the premise is often "well I can't read anyway so why bother?" which Toph definitely falls into here with no push-back against the trope.

[ID: A close up of Toph and the rest of the group, Katara, Sokka and Aang standing in a desert. Toph shrugs, looking bored, while the others looks confused and surprised with the exception of Katara, who looks mildly annoyed, standing with her hands on her hips. /End ID]

It does make sense that she would have been resistant to going in, and I'm not saying this episode should have turned Toph into a bookwork akin to Wings of Fire's Starflight (another blind character) or anything. But there was a chance in this episode to push back against some of these assumptions, and I think it's a shame they missed it. How cool would it have been if Toph had mentioned not feeling welcomed in more formal learning spaces because of her disability, which was just reinforced by the way her old earthbending instructor and her parents treated her. She decides to go inside the library anyway as "backup" in case something goes wrong, grumbling about it the whole way down. Wan She Tong starts his introduction mostly the same way, saying humans aren't welcome and Toph makes a snarky comment about it. Wan She Tong, equally offended that this human thinks he, the all-knowing-spirit, wouldn't have considered something, shoots back with an annoyed comment about humans being so self-centred. He explains that spirits come in all shapes and sizes, and not all of them have eyes, but they can still access his library. She's not the first sightless being in his study, and he-who-knows-ten-thousand-things knows this too. Once everyone is permitted entry, one of the knowledge seekers shows her to a series of slates about a lost earthbending form that she can actually read (or at least, "see" the pictures on) because it's carved. Or instead of a slate, it's a series of statues outlining the form, similar to what Aang and Zuko find in the episode "The Firebending Masters". Perhaps this form is something that helps her develop metal bending later on, and lays the groundwork for Toph becoming interested in teaching in the comics.

And finally, Toph and Katara's segment of Tales of Ba Sing Se. Katara convinces Toph to go get a makeover with her as part of a girl's day. Overall, this segment of the episode is pretty nice, and I liked that they showed that a person's gender expression (in this case, being a tom-boy) doesn't mean they can't like things outside of what we usually associate with that. Tom-boys can like girly things on occasion, and vice-versa, and I think this is an example of an episode that would seem a bit ham-fisted today, but honestly, was needed in 2006. However, there's a throw away joke where Toph says "as long as they don't touch my feet," and it immediately cuts to show spa workers filing down the calluses on her feet in a way so painful several staff are required to hold her down.

[ID: An image of Toph in a bath robe being held down in a chair by two spa workers while a third scrubs at her feet so hard that she is sweating. Meanwhile Toph is fighting against the two holding her down and has a facial expression like she is in a great deal of pain. /End ID]

this might be a minor thing in the grand scheme of the show, but it's still another example of Toph's boundaries about her disability and her access needs being disrespected by her friends, which the show just doesn't acknowledge it at all. People ignoring Toph's wishes about a part of her body she depends on in a much more direct way that others do is played off like a joke in a montage of otherwise enjoyable and goofy activities and this is a very, very common experience in disability circles.

There are a number of other, much more minor issues that show up with Toph as well, such as the fact she's the only one of the main cast who never has an on-screen (or on-page) relationship. not in the original show, not in any of the comics and not in The Legend of Korra. Again, it's not a big issue on it's own, especially because in AtLA, she's young enough where it's possible that she was just not interested yet, and she does have kids in The Legend of Korra where she mentions a relationship with a man named Kanto (Lin's father). So it is implied she does have some form of relationship eventually, but the issue is that it's never shown on screen or on the page. This feeds into a wider pattern in media of disabled characters being the only ones in their respective cast not given on-screen romantic relationships in stories, and so I still think it's worth pointing out, especially since the creators have had a lot of opportunities to correct that by now.

Toph is also portrayed, pretty much undeniably, as the best earthbener in a way that, at times, comes across almost like the creators felt like they need to compensate for her being on the team "despite" her being blind. This trope is one that I think Toph, at least partially, helped to popularise with the current generation of story tellers: The Disabled Savant. In this trope, disabled characters aren't really given the same room for growth as other characters; they aren't permitted to be average or still learning, they start good and get better. If they do progress, they often become the best, which is the case for Toph. To be fair, everyone in the The Gaang is the best at their respective skill by the end of the first series, which is why I say this is a minor point. She dose, however, have the least amount of on-screen growth in skill out of the whole team. Katara starts out barely able to lift any water at all, let alone actually bend it. Sokka is skilled with weapons from the start but does get his butt handed to him a number of times by others with more experience than him whom he learns from throughout his story arc. Zuko spends most of the early-to-middle of the show having things "blow up in his face" (to use his own words) and being belittled by his family of prodigies. While Aang is an airbending and, to a lesser extent, waterbending prodigy, he fails at pretty much everything else for a while before he starts to find his confidence - especially earth and firebending, not to mention the entire situation with locking himself out of the Avatar state. Toph is the only one who doesn't seem to fail or struggle all that much from a combat perspective. She does grow and improve in her bending (she invents metal bending after all) but she never has any moments where she really messes up or even struggles in combat all that much compared to the others.

All of these points and criticisms I've mentioned are not necessarily big in and of themselves, but when looked at together, they build up to create some issues with how Toph is depicted and how the people around her treat her disability

So that's it then? Toph is bad disability rep and Avatar should be "cancelled"?

God no. Like I said at the start, I still adore Toph and Avatar as a whole, but the show is a year away from being two decades old, it's bound to have some elements that don't hold up and I think it's worthwhile discussing them, specifically because I love the show and it's characters. Despite all the negativity I've brought up, I do think there are a lot of things AtLA did well with Toph too.

I've mentioned a few times that we rarely see how Toph's blindness impacts her life outside of her bending and combat abilities, and there's a reason I made that specification. Unsurprisingly, if you know much about the show's development, the ways in which Toph’s blindness and seismic sense impacts her bending and fighting style is one area where the show really does shine, and I still think that is worth a mention. The various types of bending are based on different styles of martial arts, specifically, different types of Kung Fu. Most earthbending in the show takes heavy inspiration specifically from Hung Ga, but Toph is different. Her bending heavily references Southern Praying Mantis Kung Fu, something unique to her within this world.

The reason for this (outside of simply wanting her to be visually distinct) was because the show’s creators made sure to consider what limitations Toph might have and what parts of the more common earthbending styles wouldn't work for her. Since her connection to the earth was critical in order for her seismic sense to work, they decided on a style that would keep her feet on the ground more, prioritised strong stances with minimal jumping and put more focus on attacking with her upper body. While not an intentional choice, the style they went with for Toph, according to the show's head martial arts consultant, Sifu Kisu, was supposedly developed by a blind woman in real life, at least according to legend. The creators also made further adjustments to the style with the help of martial arts consultants and just watching Toph fight is evident that a lot of love and care was put into the decisions made on that front.

I also appreciate that Toph's disability wasn't off-limits to joke about.

[ID: A picture of Toph waving her hand in front of her face with an exaggerated smile to remind the others she's blind. /End ID]

As I already mentioned, they didn't land 100% of the time, but lot of shows are afraid to use disability as a source of jokes, which would have felt weird and out of place in a show like Avatar. I see this hesitance in real-life too; people get extremely uncomfortable when I joke about my own disabilities and I've heard several people and even disabled comedians talk about the same observation. My last video on Tik Tok that got outside my usual audience was a joke about my prosthetic leg, and every single stictch and duet I received was people saying some variation of "I'm such a bad person for laughing!" "I'm going to hell!" or just straight up asking if they're aloud to laugh. If I didn't want you to laugh, I wouldn't have posted the joke! But joking about disability does make it more approachable. Despite how often Toph and the others made blind jokes though, outside of the one instance I mentioned earlier, they never felt mean-spirited or like they were punching down. Even when a very sleep-deprived Katara was intentionally trying to be.

I think it's also worth keeping in mind the context of the media landscape when Avatar The Last Airbender was airing. Today, characters like Toph are very common, so much so there's a whole trope about them (super-crips) but at the time, having a character with a major disability be a main character in an action-orientated kids show like Avatar was really rare. She wasn't the first of course, but a lot of the time, if they were included, they were almost certainly sad and depressed, wishing for a cure or they were designated to the roles of "Guy in the chair" (which is a character, usually a tech person, who helps from the background), inspiration, scary villain fake-out (or other variations of "creepy" character) or the actual villain. Having a character that was not only comfortable in her skin as a disabled person, who didn't want or need to be "fixed" or "cured" to be directly involved in the story, and who's main obstacle (at least in season 2) were how the people around her treated her, was pretty ground-breaking at the time (pun not intended) and went against the most prevalent stereotypes of it's day.

And I really want to emphasise that. For many Millennials and older Gen Zers, myself included, Toph was the first character that didn't tell us we were broken and needed to be fixed in order to be part of the group (even if they slipped up with that messaging occasionally). Prior to seeing Avatar, I honestly thought there was something deeply wrong with me for being happy with my life (a reminder, I was 10 years old when this show first started airing), because every other disabled person in the media only ever talked about how much worse their life was because of their disability, how much they hated it and how much they hated themselves. Many outright said that they wished they had died rather than become like me. Toph wasn't the first to go against those tropes, but she was the first example of a disabled character who wasn't like that many people my age saw. Did she do it perfectly? Hell no, but personally, back then, I was happy to have a character who maybe over-corrected and took things a bit too far than another sad character talking about how lives like mine weren't worth living.

I also deeply appreciated that Toph did struggle with her independence, at least initially, and where to draw the line with accepting help. Because of how much she'd been coddled and overprotected as a little kid, she saw any attempt at people being helpful and working as a team as them trying to baby her. It was very on the nose, but I liked that the show gave her an episode just dedicated to realising that it's ok to accept help. Again, this is a bit of a story telling trope today, but having the disabled character realise that it's ok to accept help, and to do it without talking down to them or saying that them wanting independence was bad, was a refreshing change compared to what was around at the time.

[ID: a zoomed out image of Toph, standing before her parents with Aang, Katara and Sokka standing behind her. /End ID]

While I think the show's creators could have benefited from consulting with disabled people and specifically blind people the same way they brought in consultants for the martial arts featured in the show, it's very clear to me that the intention behind Toph's character was good, and that actual effort was put in to make sure they depicted her well, even if some of it was a bit misplaced. It's also worth noting that the groundwork for a lot of my suggestions is already in place, they just didn't follow it all the way through. Overall, I'd say Toph was good for her time, and she's what was needed in the 2000's, even if she doesn't hold up as well today. I also think it speaks to how far we've come in terms of disability representation. When I first started engaging with the online fandom directly, almost no one, even other disabled people, argued that Toph wasn't good representation, because honestly, the bar was on the floor and we were just happy to have something different. But now there are options, and the standards are higher, and that's so, so good. It means that people, even in the media, are starting to listen and be more thoughtful about their depictions of disability than we were in 2006.

And finally, I want to really quickly mention The Netflix adaptation of Avatar. A few people have asked me now what I think they should do with Toph when they get to her, and what my predictions about the show are. I'm not going to talk about my predictions here, because this post is already way too long and that's not what this is about, but I don't think the suggestions I made today would necessarily work in this particular remake, primarily because of the tonal differences. Some adjustments definitely could, such the other characters doing a better job at listening to Toph when she points out inaccessibility and them actually considering her in the first place, but others might be harder to balance. The original show could get quite dark and serious at times, but it was primarily a light-hearted adventure story for kids. From what I've seen of the live action remake though, they're more heavily leaning into those serious elements - for better or for worse, and as such, trying to tone Toph down in the specific ways I mentioned might not balance out as well as it would in the original show. At the very least, the specifics would need to be different. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what approach they should take, that's not really the point of this post, but I did want to quickly address it to avoid confusion. My suggestions today were specifically on how to approach the cartoon version of Toph for a modern audience, and were not meant to be read as suggestions on how her live-action counterpart should be depicted.

[storytellering]

Torn apart. Inspired by Romeo and Juliet by Sergio Cupido

[arolesbianism]

May I offer some Siffrins on this fine day

[whatawonderart]

did anyone else like. watch the gnome run finale and go "hey that was great" and then forget about it for a few months and then suddenly you remembered it and realized that this was one of the most impressive creative projects you've ever witnessed or was it just me

[kradeelav]

Hello! I want to learn how to draw content on the more spicy side, but I'm unsure where to start. Do you have any tips/resources for it? I would love to make Corrin/Gunter art and some of my other favorite pairings. Thank you in advance!

on the practical/technical side:

having a solid understanding of anatomy helps, of course - the basic bone structure of course, but how skin, fat, muscle hangs as well. you don't actually need to watch live-action porn to get references (i never have believe it or not), but i do follow a few historical kink/bear magazine archivists online. personally i find that there's more of a variety of beautiful shapes and humans in those old photos, and you generally know it's consensual since they've personally submitted them.

you also can't go wrong with reading other erotic comics ... i say comics vs illustrations since you start to see the pacing of these scenes like any other human interaction and the tools the artists use. when does intimacy turn into foreplay? when does the artist/mangaka zoom in to capture the sensation of the moment? what clever tricks do the artists to capture the climax when the bodies are all pressed together and when finding a good camera angle is tricky? how do they show the heightened feeling with symbols and textures? how is kink power dynamics shown with characters in different positions? do you show faces and the expressions to show the pleasure or not? what comics feel cold and manufactured to you versus ones that capture real eros? why? etc.

on the mental side:

if you're anything like me, you might have a lot of shame to untangle when it comes to harder varieties of erotic art. (i hope not! not everyone does. but it's unfortunately common given the societies we live in.)

it's going to take a while, and it's going to feel really weird at times when you draw something that's uncomfortably intimate or taboo, but that's when you know it's working and you gotta keep pushing through.

you gotta keep drawing.

privately, i have a personal rule that i'll draw anything at least once; if i feel afterwards that it turned out to be a personal squick, i won't go there again, but that guideline has been marvelous to start breaking through the manufactured idea of disgust and also just to experiment with putting myself in other people's shoes about what they find hot. sometimes it's surprising! i've learned a lot.

lastly, on that note - draw what you find deeply intimate. forget about other people. selfshipping? the most niche kinks possible? the kink that feels like the internet can't stand? who gives a shit about them (no taste, the lot of them).

draw the human. the tenderness, the visceral, that overpowering desire for you that almost scares you with how intense it is and that sends your brain alight.

that's going to be timeless.

[livethrushit]

that last scene in the qaf finale was painful. we get a voiceover of michael talking about how some things should never change and the show decided that very much included brian. we then get him dancing in babylon to beat us over the head with the idea that nothing has changed at its core. but everything has in that moment. everything had changed for seasons. with everyone dancing "the way it should be" brian was the only one who didn't fit in that scene, yet there he was smack in the middle of it all

this wasn't growth, it wasn't poetic, it was a poorly written ending

[atopvisenyashill]

on reflection the fact that we didn’t see laena claim vhagar, and now didn’t see the moment addam got on seasmoke either? kinda annoying me

[wormchaser]

you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.

i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.

[good-beanswrites]

And a sort of alternate version for the last Fuuta/cry prompt, from a normal au that lives in my brain -- some hurt/comfort with Mappi :')

Mahiru hummed as she stirred. The apartment was filled with the wonderful aroma of her cooking. A door around the corner clicked. Perfect timing, she thought with a smile.

She hadn’t been sure Fuuta would wake up in time for dinner. He’d been out cold ever since she picked him up from his dorm room. Well, he’d probably recount it as kidnapping, since he was in no state to actually agree to come along. But that was the very reason she’d dragged his weak form out of there – no one at the school had noticed that calls stopped going through to him, or that his social media pages all vanished overnight, or that he’d stopped attending classes. When Mahiru finally made her way to his dark, trash-piled room, she discovered him with a 39 degree fever and rambling frantically about death. She needed to take matters into her own hands.

And that’s exactly what she did. Fuuta could hardly keep food down, after his diet of instant meals, energy drinks, and painkillers (if the discarded containers around his room were any clue), so she replaced them with homemade soups and teas. She traded his rumpled bed for her own, which was sweet-scented and well-lit. Mikoto had even helped with a change of pajamas for him. 

Mahiru had taken the liberty of calling Fuuta’s sister to let her know the situation, though it was difficult to find her information without Fuuta’s phone. She couldn’t find it anywhere in his dorm. She’d also given Shidou a call, and he’d stopped by the first day to check in. He said Fuuta should be more coherent by day three, at least.

Mahiru could always count on him for reliable information. Sure enough, soft steps approached from behind. 

“Good to see you, sleepyhead~” She smiled over her shoulder. Though in a better state than when she found him, Fuuta was still a bit of a mess. He looked pale and thin in Mikoto’s clothes, which were already big on him. His eyes were bleary. Strands of bright hair stuck out at all angles. His expression was dull, taking in the cozy apartment. 

“Mahiru made your favorite for dinner! I bet you’re hungry.”

“I… don’t want it… ” His expression was uncharacteristically blank. 

Mahiru giggled; he must be really tired to be denying food. “Oh, of course you do!”

“No, you… you don’t understand…” 

“Come take a seat, it’s ready now.”

He took a step forward. “Mahiru…”

“You should be more careful, Fuuta-kun! Next time you come down with something, you should really let somebody know. It’s a miracle I came and found you in time, hm?”

She spun to set things on the table. The pride in her masterpiece faded away as his expression twisted up. His hands drifted up shakily to his face, and he started to sob. 

“Fuuta-kun!”

Mahiru hurried to him. His knees gave out as she wrapped her arms around him. He leaned down into her, his breath hitching and hiccupping as he tried to tell her something. “You shouldn’t… if you knew what I… I…” 

“Shhh, hey. Shhh...”

After a moment of broken phrases and body-wracking sobs, he regained his balance and pulled away from her. There was a look in his eyes Mahiru had seen in the last few days, when he was trying to talk through his delirium. She’d chalked it up to feverishness, but she now saw that this raw, revolted horror was something real. 

“I fucked up.”

The simple sentence sent him into a fresh wave of panic. He tried to step backwards and hide his face away, but she tugged his sleeve backward. Normally she wouldn’t be able to forcibly move him anywhere, but for the second time, he was too weak to stop her.

“Just breathe,” she said. “You can tell me.”

Mahiru had known Fuuta for long enough to hear the range of his voice – the excited chatter, the snarky muttering, the grating yelling. In all that time, she’d never once heard him sound like this. His words cracked and wobbled. Sometimes it was so hushed that Mahiru had to press her ear closer just to understand.

And by the time he finished, she understood why.

“I didn’t know,” he kept repeating. “I’d never h-have done it if… if…”

“It’s okay,” was all Mahiru could repeat in turn, through her own tears. It wasn’t quite the truth, but it wasn’t a lie, either. It was what Fuuta needed to hear, and that’s all that mattered.

“I just want to take it back… but there’s no way… What am I – what am I supposed to do?” 

“We’ll figure it out, alright? It’ll be okay.” She guided him around. “Let’s get you back to bed, okay? I’ll bring the food in to you.”

He paused. His teary eyes studied her in bewilderment. “W-why?”

“Eh? Well how else are you supposed to eat from there…?”

“No, I mean,” he swallowed hard. “Why would you do that? You… you don’t hate me…?” 

“Oh, Fuuta-kun.”

She wrapped her arms around him again. This time, he willingly returned the gesture. He grabbed onto her for dear life, and Mahiru was suddenly struck with just how much of a miracle it really had been, that she’d found him in the state he was. 

She held him close, one palm spread on his back, the other twisted through his hair. 

“Not at all. Now, let me feed you something, okay?”

“... Okay.”

[feline-evil]

Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.