#i had a longer version of this earlier but deleted :)

[angelpuns]

I have spent all afternoon/night trying not to rot and I don't even know how to explain what that means but oh my god I'm so- urrgehfhrh I'm like- everything just feels so bad

[islesnucks]

𝓿𝓸𝓲𝓬𝓮𝓶𝓪𝓲𝓵 - Mathew Barzal x Reader

Summary: what started as an accidentall voicemial to your ex boyfriend ended up becoming routine and maybe even more TW: none that i can think of

Word count: 3.9k A/N: completely made up game schedule btw

Masterlist Add yoruself to the taglist if you wanna be notified when i post the fic!

-

“Hey, it’s Mat.” His voice echoed through the phone, so familiar yet strangely distant now. You’d heard him speak in interviews, but this was different. He was addressing you, or at least the voicemail version of you. “I can’t answer right now, so you know what to do.”

You didn’t know what to do. Calling your ex-boyfriend, the one you had broken up with months ago, wasn’t something you had exactly planned. Yet, when the acceptance email for the program you had worked tirelessly for arrived, the one he had witnessed you pour your heart into, he was the person you wanted to share it with. So that’s what you were doing, trying no to overthink it before nerves got the best of you.

“Mat, hi. This is so random—H-how are you?” Thank God he didn’t answer, you were a stuttering mess leaving a voicemail imagine if it had been him on the other end instead. “I got in! Into the program I mean. I don’t know why, but I wanted to tell you. You helped me so much before—” you cut yourself again. It didn’t feel right to mention the break up like that, but what could you say? Before I broke up with you? Before I stumbled out of your apartment leaving you behind without an explanation?

“Fuck it. I can’t do this.” You pulled your phone away from your ear and touched the red dot.

That’s it. He didn’t need to know, he probably wouldn’t even care. Who would want their ex to call to tell them they were doing great? That maybe after all the breakup was worth it because they had gotten into the program they had neglected their relationship for? Too long, right?

A second later, realization struck like lightning – you had ended the call before deleting the voicemail. It had been sent.

“Oh no, no, no!” you exclaimed, eyes widening in horror. There was no turning back. Mat would undoubtedly hear you stumbling over your words. Why couldn’t you have just left well enough alone? The last thing he needed was you barging back into his life with a pathetic voicemail about something he likely moved on from. ‘He probably already despises me after how everything unfolded, and now this’ you thought.

You were wrong, because no longer than 5 minutes after everything had gone down your phone was buzzing in your hand, Mat’s contact bright in the center as he now waited for you to pick up for a change.

“Mat.” you picked up.

“Hey. You called me?” He sounded confused, for very obvious reasons. Nevertheless it was nice to hear his voice now directed at you.

“Yeah, right. I left you a voicemail.” You rolled your eyes. At least you sounded less nervous than earlier on the voicemail, but it was not less embarrassing.

Mat’s voice came through, cool and collected. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t check. I just saw the missed call and, you know.”

“Sure, sure.” you replied, trying to sound half as calm as he seemed to be with the whole situation.

“Do you want me to hear it or …” his offer hovered in the air.

“No! I mean, I can tell you.” You cringed at the thought of him hearing your rambling voicemail. “So, I called because I just got the mail. I got into the program!”

“Shut up! That’s great! Congratulations!” Mat’s excitement burst through the line. Your heart melted a little. After everything that had happened he sounded genuinely happy for you.

“Thank you, Maty.”

Mat’s tone softened. “You deserve it, after all the hard work you put into it. I knew you’d get it.”

You chuckled, the tension easing. “I know, I know. You told me like a million times. I was just insecure.”

For a second you let yourself imagine this was under other circumstances. You were still together and he was calling you right after practice or from another city in one of his roadies. He’d come back home eventually and hug you so tight you wouldn’t be able to breath, probably lift you up and spin you around a little. You wouldn’t be able to stop laughing and-

“I know …” Mat’s response brought you back to reality. The reality in which he wouldn’t knock on your door with his arms wide open.

His tone carried an easy understanding. He definitely knew about your insecurities. They played a huge role on why your relationship was the way it was right now: nonexistent.

“So that’s what the voicemail said?” He broke the silence.

“Yeah, basically. But you know, all giddy and stuff. Really embarrassing.”

Mat’s laughter grew louder, and you could practically see him shaking his head. “Oh, really? Well, now I have to hear it.”

“No, no, no.” you protested, your embarrassment deepening. “Seriously, don’t Barzal. I know where you live.”

But Mat insisted, his curiosity piqued. “Come on! Embrace the cringe. It can’t be that bad.”

He ended the call before you could object anymore, only to call you back a minute later. Mat’s laughter erupted again as soon as you picked up, and you couldn’t help but join in, the shared humor dissipating the lingering awkwardness. If you closed your eyes you could almost picture him with that scrunched up nose as he laughed.

“The ‘fuck it, i can’t do this’ was the best part by far.”

-

The familiar buzz of the MSG postgame show filled the cozy confines of your living room as Mat’s name flashed brightly on your phone, catching you off guard. Shannon and Hickey were in full praise mode, replaying Mat’s epic goal on loop, and there he was, the main attraction, waiting on the other end of the line for you to pick up.

You fumbled for your phone, a grin tugging at the corners of your lips as you swiped to answer. “Hey, I didn’t expect your call.” you remarked, the commentator’s voices still ringing in your ears.

“Bad timing?” Mat’s voice crackled through the phone, a hint of breathlessness underscoring his words – probably still riding the adrenaline high from the ice.

“No, no. It’s just that a second ago you were on my screen falling all over the ice.” you teased, imagining his less-than-graceful moments on the rink.

“I don’t fall that much!” he argued, sounding mildly offended.

“You do, but you also score, so it’s forgiven. Congrats on your almost hatty, by the way.” You chuckled, knowing how much he loathed falling a goal short. Always so hard on himself. 

Mat scoffed, clearly annoyed at missing the mark. “So, you watched tonight?”

“Obviously, I watch every game I can catch.” you replied, the excitement of the game still coursing through your veins. The thrill of watching Mat succeed, even from a distance, even after all that happened, was undeniable.

“You should come, you know. I’m sure the girls would love to see you.” Mat suggested, his voice tinged with a hint of longing.

“I don’t know, Mat. It’s not my place anymore.” you hesitated, letting the uncertainty hang in the air. You had to change the subject before your mind started spiraling.  “Anyway, why did you call?”

“Oh, right. I listened to your voicemail again!”

“So you called to tell me you haven’t actually deleted it like you promised?”

“I heard it right before the game and got 2 goals and 2 assists. I think it’ll become my new pregame ritual, honestly.” Mat admitted, his voice softer now, laced with a hint of nostalgia. Why had he chosen to hear it? That’s something he would save for himself for now. The shared memories of your past flitted between you, unspoken but palpable.

“Really? Want me to send embarrassing voicemails before every game?”

“I’d love it. Yes, please.” Mat replied with a laugh, the warmth of his laughter washing over you like a comforting embrace. The playful banter held a certain intimacy, a bridge between past flames and the uncharted territory of what lay ahead.

The banter flowed seamlessly, a blend of shared history and the current moment. The familiarity was comforting, but the unspoken complexities of your past lingered in the air, a delicate tension.

-

NYI vs. TBL - November 5th

“Hey, Barzy. I don’t know if you were joking or not but here’s your pregame embarrassing voicemail as solicited. You weren’t serious, right? Well fuck it, enjoy it or ignore me whatever.”

NYI vs. CGY - November 7th

“Just walked past that coffee shop where we had our third or fourth date I think. Remember how you choked over your latte when I lied and said I loved the Rangers?”

NYI vs. SEA - November 9th

“Hey, you won’t believe who I just saw. That guy that lives in the building across the street, the one that has your face tattooed on his left arm. He asked about you, told me to wish you good luck. So good luck from him … and from me. Good luck tonight.”

NYI vs. VAN - November 11th

“Hi! Your sister told me your family is going tonight, so send them a kiss from me, ok? … I-I keep in touch with her, I don’t know if you knew that or like maybe I should’ve told you? Are you ok with that? I’m sorry I just assumed you would be. Anyway, good luck! Say hi from me! Or don’t if you don’t want to-”

NYI vs. NYR - November 16th

“Dude. Rangers tonight. Don’t mess it up. May have bet on you guys with a guy from work, I don’t wanna have to pay for his lunch tomorrow. Please. Good luck, 13.”

NYI vs. PIT - November 18th

“Shit, shit, shit. Hope you can hear this before the game. I’m still getting used to the program’s schedule and all of that, I’m kind of a mess right now. Anyway, good luck!”

NYI vs. DET - November 20th

“Maty, hi! I know this is kind of dumb because I saw you like 10 minutes ago and I’m in the building but still thought I should leave the voicemail just in case. (Come on!) Ok I have to go, Sydney has a tone of gossip to catch me up on. Good luck!”

NYI vs. DAL - November 23th

“Hello Mr Barzal, I won’t be able to watch tonight, but still good luck! Even if you don’t win, I hope you score a goal, make an assist. That 8 game point streak you have going on is insane. I think I’ll start charging you for this if they are working so well.Good luck Barzy!”

NYI vs. STL - November 26th

“Hey! First of all, good luck! Second, I left my scarf at the Lee’s last night. It’s red, I was wearing it when you picked me up. Grace said Anders would give it to you tonight. Maybe we can meet for coffee tomorrow so you can give it back? Anyway, good luck!”

NYI vs. CHI - November 28th

“13, hello! I don’t have anything funny to tell you today so just good luck! Love you- shit, sorry. Habit I guess. Bye.”

NYI vs. NYR - November 30th

“You have zero new voicemails. To record a new personal greeting press one-”

-

You tried everything to get your mind off it, but it wasn’t working. The cup of tea was now cold in your hand and you couldn’t even pretend to care what was going on in the movie you had playing on your tv. The game had ended an hour ago but it was on replay in your mind.

It was silly to think it was your fault. You couldn’t influence the score of the match, the 5-1 loss against the Rangers wasn’t on you. However the outcome would’ve been different if their starplayer hadn’t been taking stupid penalties, losing the puck, causing turnovers. That could be on you partially.

The bell ringing caught you by surprise, almost dropping the cold tea. You got up to answer, even though you had a feeling you knew who was waiting by your building’s door.

“Hello?”

“It’s me.” The familiar voice needed no introduction.

“Mat? What are you doing here?” 

“Buzz me in.” he requests, and you could practically hear the determination in his tone. With a resigned sigh, you pressed the buzzer, knowing full well he wouldn’t leave until he got what he came for.

A few moments later, a knock sounded at the door, and you found yourself face to face with him. Determination was bright in his eyes, your heart started racing.

“What’s going on?” He rolled his eyes, clearly not impressed by your attempt at pretending not to know why he’s there.

“You didn’t leave a voicemail.” Mat strided in without waiting for an invitation, and the unspoken tension was palpable.

“Right, that. I guess I forgot. Sorry.” you lied, trying to sound convincing but knowing there’s no use, he’d know. You closed the door behind him almost instinctively, as if shutting out the forthcoming emotional storm that’s about to break in your apartment.

“You’ve been sending me a voicemail before every single game for the past month.” he remarked, his gaze keenly picking up on your avoidance. Frustration started to take over. He already had been in this position before, begging you for explanations and all you did was look away. “Please, don’t shut me out. Not again.”

“I got confused, okay? Why are we doing this? I’m your ex-girlfriend, I broke up with you, Mat. And now I’m going to your games and sending you voicemails every game? What even is this?”

At some point you started walking all over the living room, the distress was clear. Mat was better at hiding it, he stood still by the door like he had been since he walked in, but you could see his hands fidgeting. Neither of you had a clear head to take on what was about to come, chaos was inevitable.

“I don’t know, but I thought you liked this. I thought it was like an inside joke, our own thing.”

“It was that. But you’re not supposed to have that with your ex.” you said, trying to emphasize the last word for him, as if a reminder of your status would help the situation in any way. 

“We’re friends?” He furrowed his brows, and, had it not been for the situation you were in, you would’ve laughed at the way even he sounded so unsure of what he was saying.

“Mat, come on. It’s confusing, I know I was getting confused. It started with the voicemails, which was already something, but then we’re talking every day, I’m going to your games again and team’s gatherings, we’re hanging out again. I said ‘I love you’ on my last one!” You finally looked at him, baring it all. There was only one solution in your mind and it had to be taken no matter the pain it would undoubtedly cost you. “I think it’s better if we stop.”

There was a moment of silence, he looked at you as if trying to read through the wall you were hiding behind. Trying to decipher if it was you speaking or your insecurities had taken over again. Most importantly, trying to figure out if this time he had what it took to get to you before he lost you.

“I don’t want it to stop.” he said, determination clear in his voice. In a second he closed the gap between you. The proximity caught you off guard, you couldn’t remember the last time you were this close. “Tell me you don’t feel anything.” It sounded almost like a beg, but he didn’t care.

“We broke up.” you insisted, trying to sound all resolute.

“You broke up with me.” he corrected you, his gaze holding steady, slicing through your defenses.

“We weren’t working, Mat! We could barely see each other, and when we did, we were too tired or stressed. We fought a lot. We broke up.” It sounded almost childish the way you stubbornly persisted on it, like you needed to reassure yourself more than him how things had played out last time.

“Couples fight sometimes; it’s normal. I was stressed about the playoffs, and you were stressed about getting into the program. It was a bad moment, yes, but that’s over.”

“Other problems are gonna come up.”

“We can face them together, we fight and make up. That’s it, that’s how couples work.”

You paused for a second, it made no sense to keep on repeating yourself. It seemed like he had a solution for every obstacle you presented. He had come here for answers, it was time to give them to him even if you were answering older already forgotten questions.

“I was scared, Mat. I was scared and insecure, and it felt like I was ruining it all.” Tears start rolling down your face and there’s nothing he wants more than to hug you, keep you close to his chest, push the pain away; but he knows he shouldn’t. You’re finally letting down your guard, telling him what he’s been dying to hear for months; he has to give you space to be vulnerable. “I thought it was better to break things up before they got really nasty.” your voice wobbled.

“I get it, I really do. But you could’ve told me and I should’ve been more present, not left you alone to deal with our problems. We could’ve tried to make it work. ” He looked deep into your eyes, his own reflecting a mix of understanding and unwavering love. “I know I loved you more than enough to work through it.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry about how I ended things, and I’m sorry about the voicemail and all the mess I’ve caused.” You tried to walk away from him, the proximity being too much, but he caught your arm making you face him once again.

Tears started streaming down his face as you tried to grapple with the weight of your own decisions. He looked you in the eyes, the determination from earlier is still there, even behind the tears those glossy eyes told you he wasn’t gonna leave in silence like last time. This time he had to leave it all out, even if he ended up hurt in the process.

“When you first called me I was too nervous to answer so I let it go to voicemail. I think even then I knew it wasn’t over for me, I knew hearing your voice would bring it all back.” You winced, acutely aware of the emotional turmoil you’ve caused. What you didn’t know was he wasn’t worried about pain coming back; what worried him was all the love he had for you and had pushed away after the break up coming back and once again not having where to put it.

“But then I wanted to hear you, the real you, not the voicemail, so I called you. I cannot tell you how happy it made me to hear you, like my heart was beating again after months of numbness. And you were telling me this great news, when you got that acceptance letter you wanted to tell me.” he continued, and you released a heavy breath, a half-smile forming on your face. He was right, the first person you wanted to share your triumph with was him, you hadn’t thought much about it back then but no it was so clear.

“I replayed your voicemail before the game that first time because I wanted to hear your voice. I didn’t realize how much I missed it until I heard you over the phone earlier that day, and all I wanted was to hear you again talking to me.” he confessed, a mixture of vulnerability and longing in his words. “At first I thought maybe I was making it up, you know? Maybe it was just my unresolved feelings, maybe there was nothing going on. But you called me first and then you kept on sending the voicemails. Things were going back to the way they were before. It felt like I was me again, like we were us again.”

Mat smiled thinking how everyone could notice; his friends, his teammates, his family, everyone could see the old Mat was back. He told them off, too afraid to consider you were all he was missing because he knew he didn’t have you back, not yet.

His hand gently cupped your face, sending a shiver down your spine. Closing your eyes, you leaned into his touch. You missed it, there was no denying it anymore. You missed it all too much—his touch, his voice, his energy, his very presence. Him.

“You said ‘I love you’ on the last voicemail. I replayed it like 20 times at least, just to hear those three words. From you, to me.” The weight of those three words hung in the air between the two of you after so long, it was electrifying. Your heart raced; he was about to say it, and you yearned to hear it.

“I love you.” he declared, and there was no ambiguity this time. It wasn’t a recall of your words; this time, it was his confession to you.

“Maty…” was all you managed to say; his nickname laden with tenderness and echoes of old fears that still lingered.

“I want this. I want you even if I can only see you two times a week and even if half that time you are studying or working or stressing over both. I want to be there with you. I want to fight and make up. I want all of it, the messy and ugly included.”

“I love you.” you finally whispered.

It was over. He loved you, you loved him, and there was nothing left to say.

In that breath-holding moment, he leaned down, his lips finally touching yours. It’s not just a kiss; it’s a wild ride through forgiveness, longing, and the silent agreement to dive back into the messy and the beautiful, hand in hand. He was smiling into the kiss, so were you. The taste of salt from their tears lingered, mingling with the sweetness of the moment. The kiss spoke of second chances and the magic of beginnings, a promise to rewrite the story that had once unraveled.

You pulled away, breathless and teary-eyed, yet a radiant joy painted across your faces. You laughed, a melody of relief and newfound hope. One of his hands was on your back as the other traveled from your face to the back of your head, pulling you against his chest. Your arms hugged his torso tight.

“I love you.” he mumbled against your head before placing a kiss on top.

-

NYI vs. MTL - December 1st

“Hey! Good luck tonight babe-”

“I don’t think it counts if I’m literally next to you when you record it.”

“Shush. Who’s the voicemail expert here? Me. Anyway, as I was saying before you interrupted me: good luck tonight, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

-

soooooo it’s here! hope you like it! like and reblogs are always appreciated!

it felt so good to write again and to share it too, hope i have more time this year to write more stuff

taglist:

@glassdanse @2manytabsopen @barbienoturbby @sweetlittlegingy @mcsteamylove98 @ttylfedora @chieflawyerpastatoad @iwantahockeyhimbo @fallinallincurls @jordiee95 @heatherawoowoo @barzysreputation @farabeezers @4ambagelbites @matwith1t @audryaho @maximoff-xmen @astrydis @joelsfarabees @bitchforbarzy @deloughrey @brias1201 @besthockeyfics @ya-pucking-nerd @hoiyheadharpies @mckenna4 @rosesvioletshardy @hockeyunits @siriusly-parker @ilyasorokinn @lam-ila @boqvistsbabe @theycallmecassie @ephemeral371 @hal3ynicol3 @angelblooddevil @besthockeyfics @beauvertime @picked-off-by-barzal @1316 @cherrygirl1229 @lunabean @random-readers-world @poufsouffle21 @barzysbaby @matbarzal13 @alwaysclassyeagle @wanbach23 @evaggreendaily

[wolfy1298]

Don’t you ever wonder what kind of secrets and plot points Venti keeps hidden? He claims to be the weakest amongst the Seven-and that could be true given his whole 500 year slumber and poison and all- but he’s still a god. AND one of the original Seven. You gotta be good at SOMETHING to survive for this long…

He’s also the only archon so far that doesn’t have a second story quest so what is he hiding?! We have accounts of him literally shaping the land with ease from both the Golden Apple Archipelago events and his character stories. We know that he has close relationships with the Hexenzirkel and somehow managed to avoid conflict with them??? And there’s also the fact from the skyward sword series that he was originally a catalyst user before picking up the bow in honor of Amos. He’s pulling a Childe when it comes to weapons he currently uses and the ones he’s proficient in.

And don’t even get me started on his connection with Istharoth and Celestia! Mondstadt already has the Thousands Winds Temple AND the nameless island where both Venti and Istharoth were once worshipped. And from Before Sun and Moon, we know that the Thousand Winds (which Venti IS A PART OF) were once called the Thousand Winds of TIME, all of whom were created and controlled by Istharoth. AND THEN you have Venti suspiciously appearing in the right place at the right time again and again and again. He even self proclaimed knowing every song: past, present, and future. Hell he’s probably one of the only few beings in Teyvat who can naturally bypass Irminsul because of his songs: Nahida already shown it’s possible to save deleted info if rearranged into fiction so the same should work for songs and poetry. And there’s also what the hydro fungus in Nahida’s second story quest said about changing forms. That you need time for growth to occur. And Nahida - an ARCHON- had trouble maintaining her fungus form for even the short period of time. She was even told that to do so for longer, one would need to bypass time itself which is near impossible. AND YET VENTI CHANGED INTO THE FORM OF HIS FRIEND IMMEDIATELY AFTER RECEIVING HIS GNOSIS AND HAS YET TO CHANGE BACK OR TIRE FROM FATIGUE (as we know it). HOW STRONG IS HE. Sure, the yokai in Inazuma and Adepti in Liyue can all change into a human form, but we know in game that it takes a long time and steady energy to take on a human shape, and the Adepti all seem to have that ability naturally: there’s no bending the laws of nature if it’s already natural to them. So what’s Venti’s excuse?!

As for Celestia: there’s already written in the statue of Barbatos “the gateway to Celestia” and what not. And Khanreia! In the chasm AND in the Caribert quest, Barbatos and Mondstadt keep getting named dropped. According to Dainself, the city in the chasm is supposedly OLDER than Khanreia and possibly the Seven, yet BARBATOS of all beings is mentioned in the records you find??? And in Caribert, it’s a Mondstadtian woman who that one bloke had a child with. Never mind that Mondstadt is where Kaeya and Albedo - the two characters with confirmed Khanreian origins- end up! There’s also the fact that Khanreia seems to base its gods and names and whatever around Norse mythology….which has strong ties to GERMANIC HISTORY. WHICH MONDSTADT IS BASED OFF OF. And Enkanomiya, which was once ruled by Istaroth, is Greek origin. Suspicious considering all the connections to HERMES Venti keeps portraying. (And then there’s also a connection to all three places with the hexenzerkel with their Chinese names? Like I think I read somewhere that Alice is Aries(?)/Eris(?) and Nicole is actually Nike in the Chinese version? Which are very much based in Roman/Greek origins)

Oh and something I forgot to mention earlier with the whole Istharoth connection. Mondstadt’s saying “seeds of stories, brought by the wind, and cultivated through time”. SUSPICIOUS

Anyways, this has been my nonsensical Venti theory rant

And you’re stuck with me @worldsokayestmagicalgirl

[sleepanonymous]

As a thank you to everyone who stuck with me through the Lost Media posts, I want to leave this series with this last compilation of song names and descriptions that could not be recovered. It turned out to be waaay longer than expected, so I will split II’s lost media off into a separate post. He deserves to be singled out and admired anyway🖤

The Aperture (Composition)

Upload date: before 8 November 2010 There is no description with this song, we only have a dead YouTube link and a date when the song was mentioned.

Ribbon wars (Composition)

Upload Date: Sometime before April 2011

“The human sense of deep contemplation, I believe, is like the opposite of a set of false teeth. You put it in before you go to bed, and take it out when you wake up in the morning. And it…”

This was a deleted video from Ves’s YouTube channel, and all we have remaining is the date and partial description. Honestly, I think about that analogy he makes way too much, and I wish I knew where he was taking it.

COVER OF THE WEEK: Animals as Leaders- On Impulse (Live Piano) 

Upload Date: 08 November 2011

I had originally thought this was the same On Impulse cover we already have, but the links and upload dates were different, leading me to find this description. Interesting that he’d play this insane piece twice? Especially live? Maybe he got comments about it being fake on the original 😂 2011 YouTube was pretty toxic tbh.

Stinkfist & H (TOOL) - Acoustic Guitar + Piano Cover

Upload Date: 03 December 2011 The original description was just names and instruments, plus the date and venue name. This was on Ves’s friend’s YouTube channel, and the video would have been filmed at the same music venue that Ves covered Parabol+Parabola with his friend’s band. The two credits were Baby Ves on Piano+Vocals and his friend on acoustic guitar.

Humbling River - Puscifer cover (Piano + Acoustic Guitar Cover)

Upload Date: 18 January 2012 Same instance as above. Ves was credited on Piano+Vocals, his friend was on an acoustic guitar, and they had a second backing vocalist.

Green Valley - Puscifer cover (Piano + Acoustic Guitar) 

Upload Date: 18 January 2012 Same as the above, and the same three people are credited.

Corelia- Aviation (Piano cover)

Upload Date: 16 February 2012

I’ve mentioned this description in another lost media post previously, since we do have the live version of this song that Ves performed.

Corelia- The Sound Of Glaciers Moving (Live Piano Cover)

Upload Date: 23 February 2012

This would have been similar to the other peeled hand videos Ves’s uploaded in February 2012.

Periphery- Icarus Lives (Live Piano Cover)

Upload Date: 23 February 2012

Another of the peeled hands videos uploaded in February 2012. “Back in the day” like sir, that video was uploaded august 2011 lol. I still have my fingers crossed that ST will tour with Periphery one day. It’d be the best ritual ever, and genuinely so fulfilling.

The Haarp Machine- The Escapist Notion (Piano Cover)

Upload Date: 03 March 2012

This is one of those bands I’d thank Ves for introducing me to if I could lol. Very early ‘10s sounding prog metal, but still great. I can hear some influence on his earlier songs, esp songs like Fiend and the Mighty Caribou song.

Structures- / (Piano Cover)

Upload Date: 18 March 2012

Well that’s a thought I never would have had about a band but okay, sure. Thanks for that mental image, Baby Ves 🤣

Red Seas Fire- The Recovery (Piano) Live at Random Church

Upload Date: 26 April 2012

I had posted this description previously in this lost media post. I actually panicked a bit thinking I had skipped this song, because I couldn’t find it lol. This was recorded by the same friend he did the Tool/Puscifer covers with.

Veil Of Maya- Unbreakable (Piano Cover) 

Upload Date: 04 May 2012

On behalf of Ves, I apologize to all the fairies. He didn’t mean it, he didn’t know III yet.

Cobus Potgieter YouTube Band Project: Keyboard Audition ([Redacted Name])

Upload Date: 09 July 2012

No video was ever recovered for this upload, but according to the (thankfully saved) transcript, he performed two songs or song snippets on his keyboard in an audition. Ves did not get chosen to participate in this project; a contributing factor was likely that he was living in the UK and the competition was only open to North American residents. I’ve attempted to clean up the transcript below (it was auto generated and YouTube did not agree with Ves’s British accent).

Hey, Cobus! My name is [Redacted Name]. I'm [Redacted] years of age. One thing I should definitely say before I do this is that quite clearly I'm English, and I do live in England, and I know you didn't reach the target that you needed in order to make the auditions international on Kickstarter. Well, I have decided to audition anyway, but by all means discount this audition based on the fact that I'm English. Obviously I'm willing to pay any necessary expenses like visas and flights and stuff because let's be honest they're ridiculously expensive. So, beyond that if you do decide to, you know, watch this. In terms of music, music is— a lot of people say this, but music is effectively my life, in the sense that I live in this small room in my house, you know? And I just sort of... do it every day, most of the time. I like a lot of different music, like I'm quite into a lot of what you'd describe as progressive metal, really. So, I like Tool, and a lot of, like, modern stuff like Periphery, but some other stuff you might be more familiar with that I like… I like things like Radiohead and more, in common with with your tastes. I like a lot of bands, A Day to Remember and Blue Wanted To [I can’t figure out what band “blue wanted to” might be]. You know, stuff like that— a lot of stuff, really. I'm auditioning to play in your band on keyboard or piano, probably piano if–if I had a choice, I like to do things with, you know, a bit of a— bit of a classical slant on it, but try and, I don't know— I don't mind classical music. Quite like classical music, but I'd like to maintain a certain amount of energy in a song, especially if you're covering it. Anyway, so the first song I'll be playing is My Life for Hire by A Day to Remember. [Music played from minute mark 00:03:07,050 to minute mark 00:05:45,150] There you go, that was—that was that, and hope you liked it and stuff for that [unsure if he’s generally mumbling/flustered about his performance or if the subtitles are absolutely butchered here]. The next thing you suggested doing perhaps an improvisation, which suits me down to the ground [is that a real saying? UK peeps please tell me] because that's how I do most things. I have a fairly good grasp of, you know, key signatures and that's all thing, but I–I like to improvise a lot, so I'll just pick a key, let's say F minor, and just sort of run with it and hopefully it would be like…yeah. [Music played from minute mark 00:07:31,050 to minute mark 00:09:42,738] And there you go, that was just an invitation… And I also apologize there appears to be some sort of lawn [mower? transcript had no word between lawn and operating] operating right outside my window. So I really hope that's not audible… So to end without going on too much, this is a bit cliche but it is true that to go to America, and, more specifically, to do something to do music, has always been the ultimate goal for me, which is why your project has appealed to me so much and why I've taken it upon myself to do this despite the circumstances, I love creating music. Please, by all means check out my channel. I've got various songs, I've made covers I've done, you know… I can't really express how much it would mean to me if if you were to accept me, but at the same time I perfectly understand if–if this whole thing isn't really valid, and I apologize in that case for taking up your time. Thanks a lot, Cobus. I'm [Redacted Name], and I hope you pick me.

Does anyone else have an immense desire to hug this man after reading that? Because I do 🥹😭🖤

Red Seas Fire- Epinephrine (Piano Cover/Interpretation)

Upload Date: 02 August 2012

Ves’s love for this barely known band is still super endearing to me 🥹 I wonder if he ever thought about himself in the same way when ST was just starting out.

Amsterdam

Upload Date: 10 March 2015

No description with this one. All we have is a dead YouTube link and an upload date. This song was actually one of the few he deleted and did not set to unlisted. This is purely a theory of mine, but it’s possible that this song was deleted from YouTube and cannibalized to create a Sleep Token song, especially since this was only about a year before Sleep Token’s YouTube channel was created. It would explain the deletion versus unlisting, at least in my mind.

Corelia- Mute Swan (Piano Cover)

Upload Date: N/A

No upload date, description, or url for this one, it was only mentioned in another video of baby Ves’s.

[lottes-little-place]

Welcome to the big Kitchen & Bath Interior Design Stuff part 3! The grand finale! (Kitchen & Bath Interior Design Stuff required for everything)

Part 1 is found here (custom island colors) and part 2 is found here (custom cluedo colors).

A complete list of all that's defaulted can be found here in part 1. I couldn't get defaults for the Rip Co. Little Baker Oven's four extra colors to work because they conflict with the CEP, so I didn't make those.

This last part brings default options for the recolors I've made. You can choose between Cluedo and Island Colors. The Island Colors palette only has 5 colors while this set has 7 in total (not for all items) so I've added Cluedo Black and White for the items with 7 default colors (most of the appliances). Look at the pictures to see which colors replace which. I've kept it the same for all of the items, so your kitchen won't look like a clown's kitchen in seven different colors when you put the default files in or out.🤡

The only exception is the Solid Sense Fridge in Island Colors. I've replaced the sand and bamboo (dark brown) colors with Island Yellow and Coral instead of Cluedo White and Black. Otherwise it would only have 2 Island Colors and it is a default for Island Colors after all.

I've included all the extra recolors from part 1 and 2 that are not covered by the default files, so you won't have to download the custom recolors from that palette. Or, if you've already downloaded them, you can delete the respective folder. There is also a new default version of the Super Sucker Vent Cluedo default I've already done earlier, so if you had the previous one, keep only one! (The new one has Scarlet and Plum instead of Peach and Grey to match this set.)

Choose one!

Download (Cluedo defaults)

Download (Island defaults)

I've also included a default file for clear glass/plastic for the Carrot Chopper Deluxe, so it no longer looks blueish. If you just want the clear glass but not the rest of the defaults, just download this separate file.

Download (clear glass for Carrot Chopper Deluxe)

[baxterstockmanisthecenterfold]

old follower from when you were Baxterstockmanismyson, why'd you delete your old blog? What made you come back?

I pretty much explained why here

But to some it up basically, I was just sick of the harassment & constant hateful responses my friends & I Myself would receive almost daily because of the most simple opinions.

Hell I actually remember this one time I was making a rant about 2012 Stockman's character mishandling & I brought up the Rise turtles for 2 seconds & even made a stupid joke about how I'm surprised no one accused the 2012 ones of racial profiling & this one user took it so seriously they harassed me & my followers the rest of the day

I also can't help but find this bit from them ironic considering they could have did the exact same thing with my post & followers.

This isn't even a one time thing too. As I just said. The fandom would just take EVERYTHING too seriously & attack anybody that disagreed with them in any shape or form & a lot of my best friends at the time were victims of cyberbullying because of them including me. Yes I could have ignored them, & most days I did tbh, but every once in a while there was always that one miserable person that just wanted to PERSONALIZE their attacks to me just because I said I didn't like Apriltello or something & they made their insults PERSONAL, to the point where I couldn't help but NOT ignore it. I already suffer from Anxiety and Depression & EXTREMELY low self esteem to the point where I second guess my talents. From my art to my appearance to even questioning why I still exist. If I should even STILL exist.. At that point in 2021 when I deactivated Baxterstockmanismyson I had already been going through enough stressful situations in my life, worrying about a ton of real life personal stresses in my life. And the unnecessary bullying from the fandom consisting of grown ass adults mind you was the last thing I needed. I had actually received yet another hateful message in my askbox because of one of my hot takes the day before I deactivated & it honestly fucked me up majorly so it was the last straw. I deactivated & I overall QUIT & Left the fandom entirely ever since, I just didn't see the point in staying anymore when there's little to zero good memories in it.

I would be lying if I didn't say I did miss some aspects. The one thing I missed the most being Baxter himself. Any version of him. Especially considering he's actually the entire reason I even got into TMNT in the first place (but a story for another time). He's beyond my favorite character, he's my comfort one, my boy ever since I was 12. Then Mutant Mayhem was announced along with the fact that Baxter was in it (& played by FUCKING Giancarlo Esposito) my interest was peaked to say the least. Especially after I found out he looked like this

I'd even say it was honestly the only reason why I saw the movie (even if he was only in it for 4 minutes) which I admit even outside of Baxter, I did end up enjoying it. It was also nice to talk about tmnt again to my Girlfriend & a once mutual friend at the time. Just making it our own personal bubble having zero contact with the fans, especially as I saw literally NOTHING changed just by people's reactions to Mutant Mayhem April smfh. So I assumed it was the right choice.

Another year went by. Things are different once again, that mutual friend I mentioned earlier is...no longer our friend.. and it was back to radio silence in terms of anything turtle related. I had started collecting figures at this point in time & with the release of Human 1987 Baxter & Mirage on the way, I figured it wouldn't hurt to FINALLY add Baxter to my shelf like I always wanted to years ago. Even finally start making custom figures for him that don't exist & it was a fun, exhausting but also therapeutic experience in a way. Especially getting the chance to finally look back at the mad scientist all the way from day one. From schulpting, to talking about him & even looking up other perspectives on him. Even if it was mostly misconceptions like always when it comes to him. And it got to the point where I wanted to let out an outlet to just really let out Stockman talk & facts about the guy that no one knew or already did but with a story behind it. Even taking inspiration from AskSpideypool's @ sciderman & their blog being the most dedicated blog to really get & understand Wade Wilson & Peter Parker with pages worth of history to back up the knowledge. It's honestly how I feel with Baxter Stockman if I'm being legit with you. So about maybe 3 months later or so, I decided to create this new blog, a new start. A blog to just really share & show all I know about Baxter & even find other people that feel the same way. Just a little Baxter bubble that I can have & feel safe in. It's also why you noticed I haven't shared NON Baxter stuff on here yet. To put it short. I'm not really back in the TMNT fandom. Sure I'll post about Baxter Stockman. But that's the ONLY thing I'll go as far as posting. I wasn't too far off when I said I only watched MM for Stockman & the fact that the fandom hasn't changed their ways based on MM April's reception.

I want absolutely nothing to do with the fandom's drama or possible drama the second I step into current TMNT events & I share my thoughts on them even if I had thoughts anyway, I honestly don't really care anymore aside from Baxter.

To sum it up: Unless it involves Baxter, I genuinely don't give a shit. So a heads up if I'm ever asked about something non Stock related like my thoughts on this video game or this ship ect I'm gonna ignore it. I just don't have the mental strength for the drama anymore. And it's not like the fandom itself even cares about Baxter let alone care enough to get mad over a hot take about him which I've yet to see (aside from some 30/40 something year old idiots on Instagram & Twitter that genuinely believed he was always a white guy & him being black is new) so I feel safe in my Stockbubble.

Anyway, hope that clears things up. Both why I left & how this new blog works.

[corbindavenport]

My domain got hijacked through GitHub

Earlier today, I got a weird email from Google Search Console, the service used for submitting domains and pages to Google's search index and tracking their performance. It said that someone had been added as an owner for the subdomain test.corbin.io, which is under the corbin.io domain that I own and have registered through Google.

I didn't add anyone as a property owner, so I decided to check the test.corbin.io domain. It loaded what seemed to be a landing page for a slot gambling website in Indonesia, with the page written in Indonesian and some Chinese in the HTML comments.

I definitely didn't set this up, and I didn't even remember what test.corbin.io was originally hosting. I checked my domain registrar for that domain, Hover, and the test subdomain was set as a CNAME record redirecting to corbindavenport.github.io.

I set up test.corbin.io last year to host the rewritten version of my personal website, before it was ready to replace my main website at corbin.io. My domain was already set up to use GitHub Pages, the static web hosting service, so I just made a CNAME record at that subdomain and set it as the custom domain for the test website's repository.

Here's what I think happened. When my new website was done a few months ago, I moved it to the root domain (corbin.io) but left the test domain pointing to GitHub. Someone else set test.corbin.io as the custom directory for GitHub Pages on their repository, and since that domain was already pointing to GitHub, no setup was required on my part. I assume once I removed that custom domain from my own repository, the lock was released and GitHub allowed someone else to claim it.

I'm not sure how long ago this was set up, and I probably wouldn't have caught it if the other person didn't try to set up as a Search Console property. As far as I can tell, none of my accounts were ever compromised, and I already had two-factor authentication enabled on both GitHub and Hover. I deleted the subdomain record in Hover and the website no longer works.

Learn from my mistake: check your domains and subdomains for possible hijacking, especially if they're pointing to GitHub, and remove GitHub from any domain records you aren't actively using. I have mirrored the website's HTML code to a GitHub Gist if anyone wants to do more digging.

[damienf519]

The Second Beta for Coastal Roads is here!

The second beta is out. I announced the first one earlier this year.  I also made a separate post talking about the pride flag crosswalks I created for the world.  This screenshot is of the first version of the world, but for the most part, its very similar to how it looks now.  It is missing the lots that CJplays will create, that assuming nothing goes wrong will be included in the final version of the map

The map requires every single expansion pack and stuff pack with the exception of Katy Perry Sweet Treats as that is is the only pack I do not own.  In addition it uses the following free store objects

No Tricks, Just Treats

 More Halloween Treats 

 More Holiday Presents 

 Weba Yayfoo

 Modern HDTV by Webbsta Industries

 Honeycomb Bookshelf ( I'm having trouble finding this one in the store for some reason. Hope its still available ) 

 Let there be Sims!

( The download no longer exists as this version of Coastal Roads is out of Date. You can however download the finished version via this post ). When the final version is released, the map and the saved game file will be a separate download, but for now you will have to download them together.  Please make sure you playtest the map using the saved game file.  The current version of Coastal Roads will have to be installed for it to work.  Make sure you delete the previous version if you had it installed on your computer

Given the custom pride crosswalks, I made sure to include two same sex couples, along with my first transgender sim. I hope that you like them.

I am also creating some extra lots that you will be able to download separately when the final version of the map is released, that use some premium store content.

Now that that's over with, here are some additional, more up to date screenshots of what the world currently looks like.  Most of the sims in the pictures below are ones that I created, but a few of them are NPC townies.  You will need to load the saved game file, in order to encounter them.  There will not be any graveyard ghosts in the saved game file, until the final version of the map.

So what do you guys think so far?  Please let me know if there is anything you like or dislike about the world and if there is anything that could be improved upon.  Also, please let me know what you think of my sims

[lorynna]

how to move on when you feel like you've been wronged or treated unfairly by people that once meant the world to you?

for some people an apology simply paves their way right into flaunting their own arrogant righteousness and turning themselves into a self proclaimed upholder of moral standards. you get caught in the fishnets of your own explanations, repeating your own statements and getting tangled even more as if rephrasing or recounting anything you've already said to them would bring you even an inch closer towards their understanding or even a single kind word. their indifference is slowly seeping into the cracks of your openly displayed vulnerability.

what you intended to be an apology becomes their golden opportunity to blame you for everything you've ever done wrong without considering their own faults. you hoped for an honest and open conversation, ready to let your guard down because in the end your anger was really just pale grief in disguise and your pride never mattered to you as much as your hope for resolving things. But you can feel how their walls are up and your apology is perceived as another attack, as if you were no longer speaking the same language. you get told to stop acting like the victim, to stop acting like you were the only one that got hurt in the situation and get reminded how generous & graciously they were to forgive you for the past times you've made mistakes.

i don't know how to feel. disappointment, anxiety, frustration, sadness, regret, anger, hope, worry,... I feel a lot and all at once and I have trouble distinguishing what of them is the truest and most authentic of all these underlying feelings that expressed themselves in an outburst of so much anger. I ask myself how I would describe the incident if I was talking to a second version of myself, in a room all by myself. Not constructing my words in a way that makes me worried about appeasing an audience: wether what I say makes sense to them, is hurtful or having trouble picking between synonymous words for the sake of choosing the one that would more likely bring them to understand - worrying if the things I was saying were too long to capture anyone's attention for more than a minute. how would my description of everything read if I could finally shed the performance of wanting to compromise by not mentioning certain things I know will trigger them even though they are true or please others by purposefully softening my words. I always try to be as authentic and honest as I can, but I am too torn between my feelings, wanting to know myself what the raw version of their truth is.

the most frustrating thing about this might be that I had felt I've come so far. I was convinced that after my last failed friendships I was finally able to let people go, that didn't treat me right but the illusion of my progress all collapsed when I was suddenly confronted with it again and I couldn't fail but notice that there was still so much pain and bitterness many months after being left behind.

I didn't do everything right, of course I didn't. I was mean and stubborn and could have been a better friend at times, I could have written back or reached out earlier but I didn't. I know that trauma is not an excuse. I wasn't perfect and when none of them further made an effort it was another affirmation that what seemed like a small thing to me, was enough for them to draw the line. the more time passed, the more anxious I got, because deep inside I always hoped that for one time I didn't have to be the one holding out their hand first. and I wasn't perfect but I wasn't the bad person or the monster they have tried to paint me as, when my anger unleashed that night. I am not defending the fact that the post was mean, I am saying it doesn't make me an inhumane hateful monster for venting, and I didn't intend for them to actually see it. unfortunately i noticed they did, right after I already deleted it the next morning when I had calmed down and felt remorseful.

only now I realized that when you try to let someone go, you must also let go a piece of yourself. for me the biggest part of that might be their image of me as a person. I can't bring them to understand me by typing essay after essay into my phone, after a while I was only repeating myself yelling into a void. and even if they did, they have made up their minds.

i have to accept that, because I cannot further waste my energy being upset over something I can't change. I've tried to apologize and I truly think I've done the best I could. Even if it didn't come across as an apology and wasn't enough for them, it made me feel calmer because I know i have tried. At first I thought it was meaningless that I did it, because their whole behavior reflected an inability or maybe more of an unwillingness to transparently talk in depth about everything that happened in addition to their feelings (most likely the conversation before it began felt like a dead end street to them) and when they finally told me to leave, I felt like I had been kicked when I was already on the ground the entire time of the conversation - thinking of how I took all my courage and opened up my heart again. Now I realize that it is good I did it anyway despite the outcome, and I don't have to be ashamed because of how they responded to it.

I don't have to be ashamed for letting them know i still cared for them and wished them the best, despite of how angry I was at the same time. I don't have to be ashamed for telling them that I missed them, even when I felt like a fool saying it, after they obviously didn't reciprocate and treated me like I was the worst, when I apologized.

And that's not saying that I feel I am a better person than them. I guess that sometimes you make mistakes and in my case my anger is not something a lot of people can relate to or even comprehend when I try to explain it and they certainly did have their right too to be mad at me. It is one side of the coin for others to understand when you talk to them about how you used to be angry and how you acted in friendship losses before and them saying they get how it traumatized you, and another when it is directly affecting them. Now I get that no matter how much you tell someone about your trauma and scars, you still can't expect them to forgive you for when your you harm them through said trauma.

i am ready to forgive myself for my mistakes now. I forgive myself for being so angry, for not taking action when I still could, for not being a better friend when I should have and for all the things I took part in, which eventually lead to the end of this friendship.

in the end it, like any other it is a chance to learn and improve and i like to take some lessons with me. one of them is that I need to learn to move on more effectively and train my anger management. I can hate them for not loosing sleep over this like I do, or I can work on myself. I can bathe in self-pity over the fact that they meant more to me than I meant to them, or I can accept it as a fact that I cannot change.

another lesson would be that I cannot change people's perceptions of their feelings about me, about what happened or of themselves, no matter which words I choose. I still that think they have treated me very unfairly and didn't have to end the friendship over the small things that happened, but I cannot change that they are okay with having done what they did and being happy with having done what they did.

this platform is still my way to gather and express my thoughts so I will do just that. and I let go of caring about the image they have of me. they can think I'm pathetic, they can think that I have a victim-complex, that I'm a bad person... anything they want to.

it's not real in the way that their thoughts don't affect me.

In the end I have forgiven myself now, I know myself and who I am at the core of my being and as long as I think that's good, everything is gonna be fine. I don't feel ashamed anymore.

i crave peace.

[somecallmejohn]

Random thoughts on Wish

Since I generally make lots of posts about Wish, either because of something I thought or cause of an ask, I thought I’d share some random thoughts that I’ve either shared before or that I don’t feel like they deserve their own posts

It’s the first animated movie in a long time whose Greek dub I really liked just as much as the original one. Maybe it’s that I’m older or whatever, but most modern Greek dubs don’t seem to have the quality they once had where the voices just matched the characters and sometime around 2017 and onward I just stopped watching movies in Greek unless I was at the cinema and they stopped showing the subtitled version. Granted Disney movies were usually the only ones with a decent dub and some really good ones like in Luca, Moana and Coco, but still they weren’t the same as the dubs for older movies like Hercules, Hunchback of Notre Dame, Aladdin and Mulan whose dubs are so good that I can’t watch them in their original dub and with Wish I often switch from one dub to another. I’d also argue that the Greek version of “This is the thanks I get” is better (sorry Chris Pine)

Speaking of songs, I actually really like the songs in the movie(except for “You’re a star”, I don’t like that one). Granted this movie’s soundtrack isn’t one of the best ones like Encanto’s, Frozen 2’s or Hunchback’s (or literally any from the renaissance movies), but I still like it fine. This wish, this wish(reprise), Knowing What I Know Now and At All Costs are songs I like to relisten to even when I’m not watching the movie

I forking hate Valentino, he’s like if they took Olaf from Frozen 2 and multiplied him 10 times and combined them into one character and he makes way too many butt and fart jokes than there need to be in a Disney movie. If I were to ever do my own rewrite I’d delete him completely.

Id like to remind to the people who prolly weren’t paying attention to the movie (you know who you are) that Asha suggested Magnifico to return the wishes he wasn’t going to grant, she never suggested him to grant them all, she just wanted people to have a chance to make their own dreams come true and not live without the most important part of themselves, because again wishes aren’t just some piece of clothing that you can give away and never miss (despite what she said earlier in the movie because she didn’t know how big their importance was and she just lived believing the partial truth Magnifico gave to the world) but they’re literally part of one’s soul and yes they did give the wishes willingly but under the promise that they would be granted but even if there wasn’t any promise Magnifico withholding the most important part of each citizen of Rosas like he’s some hoarder doesn’t make it any more ethical either and him being (implied) traumatized still doesn’t make what he did right, especially the things he did after he for his ego bruised by a 17 year old. Also before any of his defenders reblog to argue, why don’t you tell me first about how Ariel was a selfish brat who should have paid the consequences of the deal she made and that Ursula was the real hero of The Little Mermaid because she was so kind as to give Ariel a chance to be human.

I’m 70% certain that if the movie was about 20-30 minutes longer, it would have been better as one of the issues I personally saw is that things were happening too fast and plot points felt rushed.

The 7 teens should have had more screen time considering how much they were marketed as well.

I’m fine with the fact that Amaya didn’t end up as a villain, I really like her as she is in the movie.

I think Asha and Starboy work better as a Peter Pan and Wendy type of duo rather than a (movie)Howl and Sophie where there’s an implied romance, but ultimately they’re not meant to end up together but still work great as a duo,

I lowkey wonder why Asha and the teens hang out with Gabo, he doesn’t seem like a fun person to be around with his constant pessimism tbh

I genuinely believe that despite its flaws, it’s not a bad movie

I also believe that in like a decade and a bit, that it’s gonna be looked at more fondly like Treasure Planet, Atlantis and Black Cauldron are

Bazeema and Hal’s designs are so pretty it’s a shame they didn’t have more screentime

Those are enough for now, of if I think of more I might do another one.

[agoddamn]

What I strongly suspect is that the "Warframe Insurrections" are actually a retcon and much of the previous information we've had about the Night of the Drums and the Stalker is about to be deleted and rewritten with the Jade Shadows update.

That's the biggest problem with the Stalker, after all. His backstory is ancient and designed for a much older version of the story which had a rather different vision.

The Stalker being not a frame and just a guard who simped so hard for the Orokin that he wants revenge on the Tenno (and also he dresses like Excal for no particular reason) no longer fits a game where the Orokin are unambiguously evil.

In earlier iterations of the text, the Orokin were implicitly authoritarian but we didn't have the detail we have now about extremes like Ballas's behavior or the torturous process involved in creating the Warframes. Back then you had to seriously dig for the Synthesis Imprints that showed the cruelties of the Orokin. They were mysterious rather than completely, blatantly evil.

If they want to do a Stalker story at all, his history needs to be either extensively explained as indoctrination with an emotional angle (in which case his regular battles would make you the bad guy) or totally rewritten. I'm guessing that they're picking the second one.

[vikenticomeshome]

The Cyberchase Homepage Through the Years: part 2 (January 6, 2005 through February 10, 2007)

I decided to pick up where I left off on my earlier post documenting the Cyberchase homepage over the years. Here is a capture from January 6th, 2005. The page is now back to normal after Starlight Night 2004. We now have an advertisement for "Cyberchase: The Quest".

On January 30th, 2005, we got the Valentines Day design again. Cyberchase had wrapped Season 3 in December of 2004, and they wouldn't start airing Season 4 until April, so I suppose they didn't have anything new to promote just yet. I only just noticed that Matt is holding a flower as part of this artwork. I'm a bit surprised that neither of the girls are holding anything.

They went back to advertising Cyberchase: The Quest by February 20, 2005.

On April 6th, 2005, Digit started advertising "Know Your Dough", which was all about teaching children about money management.

This capture from June 28th, 2005 shows an advertisement for "Quest 2: Race for Radopolis".

On July 21, 2005, we got this promotion for Hacker's secret.

This was referring to the main part of the "Transformatron Story Arc", as it discussed the four episodes where The Hacker was assembling the Transformatron. This was also where Slider was reunited with his dad.

Season 4 Episode 2: "The Icky Factor"

Season 4 Episode 3: "Penguin Tears"

Season 4 Episode 4: "Past Perfect Prediction"

Season 4 Epsiode 5: "Measure for Measure"

I may do a separate post talking about the promotional content, as it is no longer on the PBS Kids website, but I have recovered most of it for the FlashPoint Archive Project. Unfortunately, that video preview was in RealPlayer, and those files are lost now. But, the rest of it is now preserved.

By August 7th, 2005, the "Hacker's Secret" promotion was gone. At that point they didn't have any advertisement in the bottom right corner. Fun fact, the file names refer to this bottom-right-corner advertisement as a "bug", regardless of what was being advertised. This would have been in reference to bottom-right-corner station IDs that you would see on television channels.

I found a capture from September 30th, 2005 where they re-worked the page. The background is the same, but they've added new screens, kicked out Buzz and Delete, and now we get a count-down for new episodes, which are given a more prominent place. There is also a mention of a contest for 2005. It looks like another Intel partnership where winners would get laptop computers, similar to the 2004 contest. I need to dig around and see what can be retrieved from that and make a separate post.

It's October 13th, 2005, and we get a Halloween version of the site. It looks like they just recycled it from last year. It is a bit of a shame, as I liked the new screen arrangement.

And then, when November 2nd, 2005 rolled around, we are back to the advertisement for Cyberchase: The Quest.

Here we see a capture from December 5th, 2005, and its a little bit confusing. The kids are all dressed up in their winter wear, and we have Cybersite Penguia as our backdrop. It looks nice until you start thinking about it.

At first, I thought the kids had lugged the terminals and computer screens out there for this winter photoshoot. But then I saw the whole-ass balcony was also out there. How would they get that all that way to Penguia? Portal? Why would Motherboard agree to that? Was she in a particularly silly mood? And why were Buzz and Delete invited to this photoshoot? I think this is a Star Trek Holodeck type of situation where they haven't left the original room, and they are just simulating Penguia.

And now, we have this capture from December 10th, 2005, where Bianca makes a cameo to announce the winners of the 2005 contest. I don't think the kids have noticed her yet. Otherwise, they would be very surprised.

And now, it is January 18th, 2006, and we get a promotion for Cyberchase Super Science coming in 12 days. I don't remember what this was off the top of my head.

It is now February 2nd, 2006. The winter theme is gone, and the screens have been shifted around again to advertise "Cyberchase: The Quest 3" (the top left Cyber-beast), and "Cyberchase Super Science".

This was an initiative that focused on kids designing, creating, and customizing things. This is something else that I need to make a separate post on at some point, depending on what I am able to recover. I can see that we have a link to "Cyberspace News Issue #3", which is a little confusing. The "Hacker's Secret" promotion gave us an un-numbered issue of "Cyberspace News", which I assume was Issue #1. I don't remember seeing an issue #2 anywhere. I need to look into that.

This capture from April 10th, 2006, shows the "Know Your Dough" advertisement has returned. Maybe the kids spent too much money on the screens and needed a refresher.

An June 15th, 2006, we get a promotion for "My Cyberchase Summer", pushing aside the Cyberchase Super Science promotion. This new promotion does feature The Hacker, and he would do something like that. This section had a list of the different episodes that were going to air during the summer of 2006, and they included activities to go along with them. Maybe I'll make a separate post all about this section later.

It is now September 25, 2006. They finally kicked The Hacker off the screen and replaced him with a promotion for "My Big Idea".

This was an initiative where parents could submit videos of their children working on inventions. This page talks about the invention videos being put up on the website and potentially aired on TV. The TV airing would have been part of "Cyberchase: My Big Idea", which was a two-hour special hosted by Harry and Bianca. The special used four episodes aired in a row, and Harry and Bianca would show up in-between them to talk about inventions and show the clips of the kids. I need to see if this is still around somewhere.

Here we go. It is October 23rd, 2006, and the site has had a major redesign. They had been serving Flash games for years now, but now the homepage interface is all Flash. Additionally, the kids get idle animations. I can post a still image, but that can only show so much when the whole point is that the site is full of animations now. This particular page is advertising the new episodes coming in February, the character gallery where they put artwork submitted by viewers, a Starlight Night theme, and an advertisement for "Cyberchase: The Quest.

Delete shows up if you click on this door.

Uh oh! Buzz and The Hacker have gotten into wherever this place is. If we don't count The Hacker appearing on a screen or advertising bug, I think this is the first time The Hacker has shown up "for real" on the homepage. Maybe the Cybersquad should do something about that.

Hey, I just wanted to point out that it is February 2nd, 2007, and the kids haven't taken down their Starlight decorations yet. https://web.archive.org/web/20070202023432/http://pbskids.org:80/cyberchase/index.html

They did them down sometime between February 2nd and February 8th.

I think this is a fair place to stop for right now, before I hit the image or character limit.

[drunkenskunk]

Earlier in the year, I deleted my deviantart account.

I did this because they were going all-in on AI theft bullshit, and I wanted no part in it. And I'm pretty sure I know what you're thinking: big deal, right? And on some level, I kinda get it. It was a deviantart page, who cares, nothing of value was lost.

Despite that, I do remember going through most of my entire account, and trying to save a backup of whatever I could, just in case, y'know? I saved almost everything, before deleting every individual piece, and then once the entire account was empty, I fully deleted the account. I did everything I could think of to avoid letting the idiots running that site into the ground scrape what little I had for their fucking theft algorithm.

But there were a few things that I forgot to save. I had a few fanfics that I had posted there. The big one was the entirety of the New Vegas fanfic that I wrote over the course of 5 years. 174 chapters, just under a million words, it's notable in that it's the only project that I've ever actually finished to completion.

But the thing is: that wasn't actually lost. I have the entirety of that story, including several earlier versions, saved on my hard drive. According to the file properties, it's 50mb, and 1376 individual files. And not only that, but the "mirror" of that story is also still preserved in public with my account on fanfiction dot net.

But there were a few other stories that, in my haste, I forgot to save. And, again, it's a case of "Who cares?" because they were short, almost one-shot, fanfics based on the characters I played... in World of Warcraft.

Sheason Fisher and Tuera Ashama were my rogue and warlock characters, respectively, and I wrote a lot of short stories involving the two of them. Snapshots of this extended cat-and-mouse espionage game of super-spy versus super-villain, with a backdrop of whatever drama was going on with the RP guild I was part of at the time.

Thing is, the reason I didn't think to save them while scrubbing my deviantart account was because I assumed that I already had them saved somewhere. But recently, I went through some of my files, looking for something else entirely, when I suddenly realized: no.

They're not there.

All these things that I wrote about these characters that have existed in my head since at least 2005, and it's all just... gone. It's like all the stuff I wrote on warcraft guild forums for those characters - back when forums were still a thing - and which now no longer exist, because not only do all those RP guilds no longer exist, the forums themselves no longer exist. And I never thought to preserve what I wrote.

I kinda remember what most of the stories were about, vaguely. I kinda remember the general idea of the one-shots I'd written. But the actual words I wrote at the time? They have vanished. I could probably rewrite some of those old stories, and they'd probably be a lot better now. After all, I'd like to imagine that I'm a much better writer today than I was 10, 15, 20 years ago...

But the originals are still lost.

It wouldn't be the same.

I know this probably seems like I'm being overly dramatic, and I'm fretting over pointless bullshit. And, yeah, on some level, I acknowledge that I kind of am. But... still.

It's reminding me of just how ephemeral existence is. Moments happen, and then they're gone.

The only evidence that any of these events ever happened at all is my failing memory.

And, eventually... even that will disappear.

[apokoliptic]

thank you @mintchocochipsposts for tagging me to do a 2024 writing review! i would also love to see a review from @aingeal98 and/or anyone else interested!

# of stories posted to AO3: 12, personal record

word count posted for last year: 15950, also a personal record

fandoms written for: dc and one piece mostly

relationships: stephcass and zoluna mostly

story with the most kudos, bookmarks, and comment threads: perfectly in my hands which i still like a lot.

work you’re most proud of (and why): what some of us live for is my zoluna magnum opus and probably will be forever. it has everything significant and worthwhile i could say about the ship. watch film gold.

for dc it’s definitely there like moonlight. what can i say i like werewolves, and i like the version i created for jpv.

work you’re least proud of (and why): believe my own eyes didn’t pan out the way i wanted it to but i’m satisfied with what i came up with regardless. it coheres.

share or describe a favorite review you received: i appreciate every comment ever left on one of my stories! but the ones on rarepairs stand out because i’m always surprised anyone else cares about them like that lmao

a time when writing was really, really hard: as mentioned earlier 2024 was great for me in terms of writing. hope to write lots this year too!

a scene or character you wrote that surprised you: getting (back) into one piece late 2023 was a surprise. writing as much as i did for the series in 2024 was an even bigger surprise. i’m glad i decided to participate in a op secret santa because i never would’ve written anything for zokiku otherwise. the ship didn’t even make it onto the list for my own ss gifter.

a favorite excerpt of your writing:

It was almost nostalgic for Zoro, waiting to be executed. He had vague memories of a dusty yard in a small town in the East Blue. A little girl, and some shithead marines. He was so hungry then, fueled only by ambition and pride; a swordsman with a zealous dream and nowhere to belong, nowhere to go. Nowhere, until he met Luffy, and they met Nami.

i really like the opening paragraph to what some of us live for.

how did you grow as a writer last year: i wrote so much (for me) it's crazy.

how do you hope to grow this year: i love oneshots. i want to write longer oneshots lol.

who or what was your greatest positive influence: thank you @deeperspacenine for everything, and thanks to all my mutuals for showing any amount of interest in my writing.

anything from your real life show up in your writing last year: monogamy is overrated!

any new wisdom you can share with other writers: well it's not "new" but don't delete anything.

any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) this year: i have something planned for @/casscainweek and i hope to finish it in time! if possible i would love to write something for @/fourthworldweek too!

[afreakingdork]

Weak Spot - Chapter 3

Warnings: Aged-up Turtles, Romance, Meet Cute, Villain Donatello, Cussing, Crushes, Xenophobia

Synopsis:  When falling in love is the easy part where does the difficulty lie? In a society where we’re defined by our job, it’s those little details as a relationship goes on that ends up setting a course for whether or not a couple can make it in the long run.

Also available on Ao3

First 💜 Previous

You were not going to let him get away with dropping what could almost be a relative confession like that. At least, not until after work when you had the time to harass him about it.

You: So…

Rolling over from where you had collapsed on your couch you watched as predictably the message was read and no response came. You’d resigned yourself to a fight earlier in the day after deciding to press the issue, but a part of you could always dream.

You: Are we going to talk about how you ran away?

You chewed your bottom lip as the little read check mark appeared. You tried to picture what he was up to. Glancing to the nearby windows, you spied the last vestiges of twilight waning orange. When your attention returned to your device you saw the response bubbles percolating.

He must have written and deleted several versions because the one he landed on seemed far too short for the amount of time it took.

Donatello: Laughable.

You giggled to yourself. Not that you’d been able to indulge in it, but texting removed the usual bearings in an interesting way. Where in real life you had to hope you caught his micro expressions, his texts would be stuck on display for longer analysis.

You: I’m glad we agree!

You: Though I’m laughing at how cute it was that you got embarrassed

Again the check came and this time the bubbles appeared instantly. The pot was essentially stewing.

Moving to sit up, you wondered how he’d handle the stripped down context. He was obviously drafting something, but he must have realized the same as you that this type of conversation was far easier to abandon. Frowning and worrying that you might have pushed a little too hard, your stomach clenched as a reply came.

Donatello: I see what you’re doing.

You: Oh? I don’t consider this breaking the ‘no frivolous’ texts rule because it’s important to me

He saw it and you curled up into yourself. You’d spent most of the public transit ride home thinking of all the little contingencies he might use to get out of a conversation. Obliviously you had no real remedy if he chose not to respond, but you’d tried to prepare for anything else he could lob your way.

Donatello: For the time being you may exploit the loop hole, but only due to my lack of oversight.

“Just admit you like me.”

You gave a breathy sigh and pulled your device to your chest. A shred of you still wondered, but for the most part you were sure he was interested in some way. His staunch nature prevented absolutes and there was always a chance you were conning yourself, but even the fact that he was indulging these messages seemed to point in your preferred direction. Where that road ultimately lead you hadn’t given much thought, but the fizzy soda excitement was a high you were happy to chase.

You: Should I expect a contract at tomorrow’s lunch?

Donatello: Be prepared to sign in triplicate.

You blew you a puff of air into a smile. With him a line like that could both be a joke and deadly serious. You imagined him pulling out a briefcase and removing large daunting stacks of paper. He’d make for the world’s most annoying lawyer.

You: I’ll bring my embossed pen

You: Back to the original topic though…

Donatello: I’d rather discuss the pen.

You: I’ll share all the juicy details after

You: Spoiler alert: the engraving isn’t what you’d think!

Donatello: In other words, not your name.

You: Elevator explanation first

With your phone balancing on your knee you watched as he again hitched the conversation between intermediary dotted lines. You wondered if this kind of loading screen would be a good real world comparison for the time it took to him formulate verbal conversation. Staring fondly at the screen you dismissed it only because surely that mind of his cycled through so many more possibilities than you could fathom which meant a loading screen as a pathetic comparison.

Donatello: What exactly are you hoping for?

Wasn’t that the million dollar question.

You had a strong sense of the matter at hand and had even voiced your desires aloud just a few moments ago, but there was an undeniable unknown quality to the whole thing.

It had only been two days.

The time frame deflated your otherwise impenetrable smile.

That’s what was holding you up. Unfurling, your phone lowered with your legs and you watched it lull to sleep. The crush exhilaration had shrouded your mind in tittering hormones that made for a high chasing addiction. As much as you wanted to know everything about him, in reality there was no rush. Something so simple seemed like a sobering revelation.

Glancing over your shoulder at the kitchen, you wondered how he’d handle it if you passed on a slapdash response in favor of eating. Meals were quite high on the list of mind clearing activities and would give you a chance to compose something that wasn’t based on pure instinct.

Setting your phone on the arm rest, you stood and moved to the fridge. Taking your time would also shift the tone of the conversation. Grabbing the handle to the ice box, you opened it so its cold air washed over you in time with your second epiphany of the evening.

You didn’t want this to end after two more sandwiches.

Exchanging the freezer door for the fridge proper, you pulled out some leftovers. As odd as he seemed, you craved more. Trying to part the giddy fog in your mind, you set up a mental pros and cons list as you warmed your food. On one hand there had been a few undeniable red flag actions, he was exhaustively closed off, you knew next to nothing what he did outside of getting lunch, and he held vice grips on conversations in a dauntingly manipulative manner.

With a poke you checked if your food was warm enough. The lukewarm response said no, so you popped the dish back into the microwave and the newly sauced digit into your mouth.

Other the other hand he was handsome, mysterious, he’d exhibited multiple times that he was capable of concern or remorse, his vigilante watch translated as attentive, and he’d even been protective over a perceived threat.

Your microwave reminded you it was done and you retrieved the food. The plate stung your finger tips and you set it on the counter to watch the steam roll off.

If you thought about either list for too long, you noticed how each tick skewed the line. For his protection, he’d also taken a worrying satisfaction in scaring another human being. Where he refused to talk about himself cropped up the alluring unknowns. His staunch control issues were what lead to him needing to make amends in the first place.

You leaned over to pop a drawer open to grab cutlery. Once outfitted, you pinched the cooler edges of your plate and transported your dinner to the same spot on the couch. Collapsing into its relenting cushions, your phone lit up and read no new notifications. You flipped it over with one hand and then sought the remote. Whatever app the TV was last on buzzed to life and you let it run with listless curiosity as you took your first bite.

All of this back and forth was nothing unheard of though. Though the serial killer conversation had been partially a joke, there was an undeniable game that had to be played whenever you tried to puzzle a new person into your life. No two people were perfectly made for the jigsaw, but time snapped the piece together regardless as long as they were a close enough match.

A few more bites and your stomach was already feeling warm.

Maybe the puzzle metaphor wasn’t the best.

A personality buzzed about something on the television and you found it caught your attention. Between the video and hearty chews, you felt your resolve stabilize. By the time your plate was clean you’d even found that a tapestry was a much better analogy and even had ancient roots in the fates. Setting your plate aside of a coffee table, you snatched up your phone.

You: I guess you could say your little stunt made me wonder if we should reexamine our current contract

Donatello: Which terms do you not find agreeable?

You tilted your head as you read the question several times over.

You: The length

Though it was by your hand, you found it frustrating that you’d accidentally put yourself into another veiled conversation.

Donatello: Elaborate.

A little surprised hum escaped your throat.

It was almost as if he’d thought the exact same thing.

You certainly weren’t going to waste a chance to make the conversation definite.

You: I’ll just say it then

You: If I’m wrong though, don’t rub it in. I’ll be torturing myself enough

You watched his response stew and quickly typed out a few nonsense letters so your own to signal him that you weren’t done. It took a moment, but his disappeared and you cleared the text to start anew.

You: I think you’re interested in me too, but there’s been mixed signals

Your heart was beating so fast your blood pressure waned in your ears.

You: It was that look you gave me

You watched the quiver in your thumbs as you typed.

You: Would you want to keep seeing each other after you move on to the next sandwich quadrant?

You gave a shaky smile at the ridiculous terms this whole thing was perched upon.

You watched as a read receipt appeared and you tapped the cursor off the text bar to signal the end of your clarification. Your chest felt heavy and you brought one hand up to press your sternum in a pathetic attempt to release the pressure.

Not even his typing notification appeared.

Nerves already frayed, your mind went into overdrive.

Reading back over your texts you winced at the one about not rubbing it in.

Had that not been clear enough?

Mind split right down the middle, your thumbs flew back to your keyboard. For each satisfactory letter that was typed out an equal part of your brain screamed at you for doing so.

It was so much easier to blurt these things out in real time.

You: The nature of which doesn’t have to be specified. Just,

You cursed aloud as when you moved to edit the comma placement, you’d sent the unfinished text.

Staring at it harshly, the fight or flight warped leaving you unsure of what you’d wanted to clarify at all. Coming down, it took over a minute for you to realize the check mark hadn’t appeared. You lowered your screen instinctually. He wasn’t actively in the chat anymore. Putting your device to sleep, you leaned over and set it next to your plate. It wasn’t that strange as you’d left him in a similar manner when you’d made your dinner. Still, you could feel your blood moving through your veins so you desperately palmed the remote for a suitable distraction. You forced yourself to sit through a 27 minute video before you allowed yourself to pick up your device.

You nearly dove for it as the personality on TV recommended something else.

Suddenly in a surprise juggle with your device, the blurry notification disappeared as you mistakenly clicked it. You watched the screen temporarily black out before coming fully to life in the text window.

Donatello: I should have expected two days wouldn’t be enough time to improve one’s taste.

Half on and half off the couch from the phone debacle, you squinted at the message.

It somehow feel perfectly in line with what you expected while being nothing at all what you anticipated.

It was also fascinating how he seemed to take something that should be self-depreciating and make it seem like an insult to the other party.

That party being you, of course.

You: I’ll have you know I gave it a lot of thought. I made a pros and cons list and everything

Donatello: Your data collection capability is abysmal. Have you even considered your sample size or standard deviation? 

You: Nope. Want to teach me?

That was truly terrible.

You laughed to yourself.

The way his response bubble appeared and popped multiples times either meant that line had miraculously worked or he was also seized with the comedy of it all.

There were surely more options than that, but you preferred to consider only those two.

Donatello: Ever presumptuous, tenuous, and ludicrous.

You stared as an even bigger smile spread on your face.

You typed out your next text.

With a thumb hovering over the send button you considered how badly this next statement could go.

You had a feeling it wasn’t in your favor, but there was just something about the three adjectives that he had sent.

You gave a single chuckle and slammed your screen with an audible tap.

You: Funny, I believe it was you who gave me your number of your own accord

He left you on read.

-

You didn’t necessarily regret your choice.

However, you didn’t really love it either.

As lunch loomed eerily close, you checked your bag from under your desk for what must have been the hundredth time. Every time your heart surged not with tempered hope, but fear that your boss would catch wind. The last thing you needed was that guy adding anymore undue stress. That aside, there was still the unmistakable possibility that you had messed up your chance. It definitely stung, but it also wouldn’t be the end of days.

You had only known him two days.

Giving a little sigh, you tucked your bag back into its slot. Deciding you might as well get some semblance of work done, you brought up several useful screens and moved to tack the time away on your keyboard. You’d gotten into a groove when you heard two employees pass with lunch curiosities on their lips. Checking the time said you could slip away with minimal complaint and, even though your plans were still up in the air when you’d left this morning, you’d still kept your docket open just in case. With a final glance to make sure all work was in order, you swiveled in your chair. Catching your bag in the motion, you got to your feet and headed for the elevator.

Pulling your phone out was almost an afterthought as you debated what to get.

At least, that’s what you told yourself when you saw the notification preview faultily clip an image.

You scarcely heard the elevator arrive and stepped back so no one would hold it for you. Against the opposite wall, you opened the message and stared at it curiously.

Donatello had simply sent a screenshot receipt of a sandwich purchase. Clicking it larger, it read the ever present specifications he’d deemed standard. It also had a sum of two sandwiches so he was presumably going to be in attendance. The payment information had been specifically cropped out, but the header for the shop read its address. Tempering your excitement, you flipped back and forth to type it out in your map app. It was predictably nearby so you stepped forward to push the elevator button.

The trek down and lunchtime rushed streets swept you to the location with little time to overthink. You spied his hulking black coated form through the window and slipped through the door with a pleasant chime announcing your entry. You glanced up at the little bell before heading over to Donatello.

His shoulders held staunch as he passed you only a glance before continuing to stare at the pick-up counter. For a moment you let him continue his oddly petty act before rolling on the balls of your feet and prodding your inner cheek with your tongue.

He hadn’t outright rejected you, but something was definitely off.

The overwhelming desire to poke the bear superseded concern.

If you were already in hot water, might as well take a bath.

“You really streamlined the process of asking someone out.”

Already staring at him, you caught the flicker of recognition in his eye before his pupil nearly rolled. When his gaze landed on you, he seemed to note that you had seen the move and flattened out his expression.

“My other line was something about how it’s presumptuous to just buy someone lunch without asking.”

“You’re overanalyzing.”

You rose up on the tips of your toes to get his full attention. He parted it as you entered his personal space and you did your best impression of his patented look.

His jaw flexed as if he grit his teeth though no pearly whites shined through.

“We’ll discuss it while we eat.”

You gave a curious hum that was cut off when an employee set a sack on the counter. Donatello was in motion before the employee could depart and strung a finger through the bag’s handle. He then followed through by turning to the dining room and going straight to a table. You watched his departing form for a moment and couldn’t help but imagine how he must have thought all this through while he was waiting.

How much earlier than his pick-up time had he arrived?

You followed him languidly and made a show of taking a seat. He slid your sandwich across the table and tucked your bag away beside your chair. When you surfaced you found him sitting still with his untouched sandwich wrapped in front of him.

“Should I be worried?”

The question processed in his gaze and seemed to awaken his limbs.

“That depends.”

Though he made it a statement, the end felt clipped away.

You wondered what else he meant to say as he robotically went through the motions of undoing the wrapping and folding it back. You left him to his routine and instead separated the halves of your sandwich to eat one with the parchment peeled back. You had just gotten down your first bite when you caught him picking up his meal without his usual measured grab.

“I don’t think you understand the gravity of what you’re requesting.” 

Pausing, you turned the sentence over before taking another bite. “I’m not asking you to marry me.”

His head lolled slightly with dissatisfaction. Though his face didn’t betray it, you could feel the a dissatisfied aura coming off of him. “The weight doesn’t lie in the fraternization.”

You squinted at him.

He brought his sandwich up and narrowed his gaze at it.

“Is this… related to that taste thing?”

“Yes.” He punctured the single syllable with a sharp bite of his sandwich.

You watched openly as one of his lids twitched. He gave an odd side to side chew of the morsel before lowering the sandwich back to the paper. He seemed to struggle to get it down and his dark mood further clouded.

“Something wrong?”

“It’s me I don’t think you understand.” He grabbed a napkin to wipe his mouth and pushed his meal a few centimeters away from his person.

“That’s sort of the point.”

“Y/N.”

You broke away from staring at him to look at his sandwich.

“Even if we could set aside what is rapidly becoming willful ignorance, you don’t seem to have considered the fact that I’m a mutant and you’re human.”

“So?” Your own meal came down with your brow.

“Which is exactly why I still have reservations about your motives.”

“I’ve never been with a mutant before. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve even talked to one before you.” Flicking eyes between your lunch and his, you made quick work of unwrapping your bitten half.  

You could feel his gaze intensify, so your brought yours up in an open show of your honesty. His pupils darted around taking in an unknown amount of information before he looked away towards a window.

With his attention parted, you reached across the table and snagged the corner of his parchment. As soon as you started sliding it towards you, he caught the motion and returned his gaze. He didn’t stop you, so you brought both meals next to each other and started to reach for his. Seeing your hand’s descent triggered something in your mind and you halted. As you twisted to grab your bag, you saw Donatello go for something in his pocket. When you both returned to the table you stared at each other and your travel sized bottles of hand sanitizer.

You immediately laughed in spite of the tense air.

He gave the barest huff and returned his own bottle to his person.

“Great minds.” You mumbled, trying to taper off your giggles as your disinfected your hands.

If he responded, you couldn’t hear it as you finally reached for his sandwich. Peeling back the bread on the half he’d bitten, you grimaced at what lie underneath. His lettuce was a pathetically wilted smear against his oily tomato. Peeking out from underneath that was an alarmingly pale piece of bacon. You picked at the tongue that slumped off the side of the sandwich and found it to be just as floppy as it looked.

“We ordered the same thing.” You remarked before quickly moving to uncap your sandwich. Yours, in comparison, looked like a meal that was ready for its menu shoot. “Are both sides like that?”

He again didn’t seem to respond, so you moved to remove the bread from the rest of his meal. The other half continued the same trend. You sat back in your seat and considered the dichotomy. Confused, you finally swept your gaze to your companion.

Across from you, Donatello’s irritation continued to waft off of him, but he was directing it into his person. It was all such a strange show that it left you unnerved. It reminded you of the day prior when the mystery of the supposedly unknown sandwich shop loomed overhead.

You blinked.

Straightening up, you spun around in your chair. The speed of the move meant you just caught the way the whispering employees departed from each other behind the counter. Your eyes widened to a degree that nearly stung. You spun back around to find Donatello staring at you with a dark knowing expression.

That’s why he had brought up human/mutant relations.

“They gave you a gross sandwich on purpose.”

He gave a curt nod.

“But…” You leaned into the table, but in doing so it brought your face closer to said offense. You sloppily reconstructed it before messily squishing the parchment down to hide it away. “How would they know you’d take the intended one?”

The way Donatello stared evenly back made several things clear.

He had in fact arrived to the shop early.

He’d seen and let them make him a subpar meal.

He then accepted it in a way that ensured he’d get the gross one and not you.

The deep frown on your lips stung your cheeks. “If… If they saw you order it, why weren’t both sandwiches gross?”

“The wait.” It seemed like a struggle for him to get the two words out evenly.

Your lips parted.

There had been a wait from when you’d arrived to when the sandwiches had been ready.

Those whispering bastards had seriously rushed to remake a sandwich as soon as they found out a human was on the order.

As the pieces of the events fell into place, confusion melted away under budding fury. “Why didn’t you say something? That doesn’t seem like-!”

You bit down to keep the presumption from coming out.

He leaned forward in a similar manner as you had done.

It brought your voice down and you spoke before he could. “Yesterday at the building, they weren’t glaring because we were there. They were mad because we were together?”

His chin tipped up the barest amount, but you couldn’t take in his appreciation for your correct guess based on its content.

“That or… that’s just how they look at you.”

“Both.” The single syllable dripped with disdain.

Considering he could barely keep a lid on his resentment, it made very little sense why he allowed this to happen. You forced yourself to swallow your own anger in mustering up a pleading eye. “I don’t understand…?”

His expression was pulled so taunt it seemed like a piano wire about to snap. “I needed to talk to you first and foremost, but trust me when I say the retribution will be swift.”

There was a manic flash to his eyes that you only barely caught before a tidal wave of emotion flooded you. Any remnant thoughts on it washed away as your heart buoyed to the surface. You could feel your eyes rapidly watering. With both of you craned over the table into one another, you knew he had a front row seat. Screwing your eyes shut, you hoped he wouldn’t see it as pity or sadness. You certainly weren’t going to celebrate and you were already forming your own just recourse, but the man in front of you had endured blatant xenophobia in silence just so not as to upset these plans.

You didn’t care.

Whatever terrible things he thought of himself.

Whatever things he might have done in the past.

Hell, for all you knew he was still doing it.

It simply didn’t matter.

You wanted him.

 More than ever.

Your eyes popped open in time with a smile on your lips.

He seemed to wince against the brightness of it.

“First things first.” You sat back and grabbed your uneaten sandwich half.

“That’s yours.”

“And?” You pushed it towards him. “You’re not eating that.” You waved off his appalling excuse of a meal.

“You’ll be stuck at work and I can get something else.” He reached out with a single digit and used it to slide the sandwich half back.

“It’s not up for discussion.” You reached out to do something similar, but he hadn’t lifted his hand. You glowered at the offending digit and moved to send that same dissatisfied look to his face.

A resolute blank stare sat there.

“Split then.”

“It’s not even.”

You groaned loudly.

He remained unmoved.

With your uneaten half ensnared, you moved to your bitten half. Searching around, you found a loose plastic knife on the table and made a cut that bisected the sandwich in a way that severed off the contaminated half for yourself. He kept a close eye as you then made a show of folding your parchment into as close of a version as how he did and set the clean segment upon it. It had some sort of effect on him because he finally relinquished his hold. Moving fast in case he changed his mind, you cut the uneaten half and the doled out the sandwich into two meals.

“Obviously this place is not a contender, but it would be annoying if you couldn’t pass proper judgment on it.”  

You felt his gaze linger as you took an annoyed bite of your bread. You chewed a little harder than necessary and when his stare continued to linger, you brought a staunch eye to him.

You expected any of a dozen things to be there.

What you didn’t expect was a softness to his features that could almost be read with affection.

You nearly choked as you swallowed prematurely.

“May I see that?” He nodded to the sandwich in your hand.

It seemed like an odd request, but you were still dumbfounded by the kindness in his eyes. You nodded numbly and held it out to him.

With his hands tucked beneath the table he leaned forward. You wondered if there was something gross in your meal that you had neglected when his mouth suddenly opened. Before you could do anything else, his hands surfaced to steady yours and he took a big bite straight of where you had taken your last one. He retreated while chewing and moved his attention downward, finally doing his pick-up calculations.

Several incoherent sounds puttered off your lips as you brought back the little left of your sandwich.

He had just made such a fuss about it being even too.

You waited numbly until he swallowed his mouthful, having a sense that he’d speak on it.

“For clarification. I’m not a germophobe, just cleanly.” 

You gaze snapped from your meal to him.

“The hand sanitizer?!”

He didn’t respond, but you were sure you saw the quirk of a smile as he got the right angle down and lifted his own meal to take a bite.

“Don’t think you’ve escaped the discussion.”

“Your far more dangerous in how unpredictable you are. I don’t know if my heart will be able to take it.”

This time you actually got substantial peek of the upturned corner of his lips between bites. “If that’s what you label as dangerous, you might as well leave now.”

“No way, after what I’ve seen? I’m more invested than ever!.”

He shook his head and polished the food he had. “Mediocre.” He gestured to the parchment.

“Agreed.” You nodded into another bite. “But regardless of what I say, it’s still a two-way street. If you don’t want to see me after the next shop, I’ll understand.”

“You opened changing the terms of the agreement, who’s to say I didn’t terminate it early?”

You paused and gave him a suspicious look.

The even gaze he returned seemed to still be genial.

“I can’t tell if you think you’re messing with me on purpose, it’s teasing, or you really mean it.”

“Consider that something you’ll have to contend with.”

“List some more; for my sample size, I mean.”

He tipped his chin up and you finally had a chance to bask in that satisfaction.

“You’ve seen my disposition: Don’t expect flowers and chocolates. I wasn’t built for the machinations of formulaic romance. I’m evil and you will be kept in the dark about many things that widely range from what I simply don’t wish to expound on to legal ramifications.”

You stared back at him for a long moment, but he didn’t buckle under the pressure.

That amicable air had all but evaporated so you took to checking your surroundings for a hidden camera.

Finding you were not in fact on a twisted TV show, you returned your gaze to him to find him leaned back in apparent wait.

“I doubt you’ll believe me if you’re still hung up on the mutant thing, but I swear I’ve already taken pretty much all that into account.”

His gaze narrowed the slightest bit and you let him evaluate you in the same way.

You both came away in a similar stalemate: all evidence said the other was being honest, but it was hard to believe.

“Do you need a list like that for me?”

“No, I’ve gathered sufficient data.”

Now that you needed no consideration over.

It just made sense.

“So…?”

“I’m adding ‘stubborn’ to your negatives.”

“If I wasn’t, I doubt you’d even have given me a second glance.”

You weren’t sure what it was about that, but it seemed to irritate him more than another other jab you’d sent his way.

You hadn’t even meant it to be one.

“We have another shop to explore and then we’ll take it from there.”

“That’s the best I’m going to get out of you, huh?”

He gave you his trademarked look.

You gave a lazy smile and finished up your sandwich. He hadn’t made his usual move to clean up the table and you suspected it was the first of many disrespects he’d be giving the place.

You smiled inwardly.

He had no idea.

“I’m gonna guess I just took another long lunch?” The fact that fewer suits passed outside signified the hour had passed.

Donatello gave a nod.

“This is either the one weird thing my boss turns the other cheek to or he’s building up to something.”

“Best of luck with that.”

“Not a trace of sympathy!”

“It’s your occupation.” His head tipped slightly to one side.

“Thanks for not saying ‘just quit.’”

“Nothing in life is so simple. Are you at least applying for other jobs?”

You laughed. “I absolutely am.”

“Fine then. I detest those that complain without even attempting to change their station.”

“Oh! Your first deal breaker! I’ll keep that in mind.” 

“You can use it as an easy out.” His blinks seemed a bit slower as if he were relaxed.

A flicker of warmth sparked in your chest. “If that’s the case you should have told me for our earlier dates.”

He grimaced.

If you were standing you might have fallen over.

It was the first clear and open emotion he had given.

More so than even eating a rotten sandwich.

“Wha…?” You flubbed the question dumbly and rose a confused finger up to him.

“These are not dates.”

Your jaw slacked and you squinted with bewilderment.

“If I were to take you on a proper date, you would know it.”

“You’re… offended?” Recognition bloomed and seeped into the confused cracks.

He only gave you that obvious look. All other traces of emotion disappearing from his person.

“But in your warnings there was that bit about romance…?”

“I’m going to gift you a book on statistics. I expect you to read it in length.”

“Come on! That’s not even a sample size guess! It directly contradicts what you said!”

He clicked his tongue and made it seem like it was heavy labor to open his mouth. “I gave a general statement. You’re folding your assumption into that when you don’t know what I consider applicable.”

“Which is…?”

“Too lengthy if you don’t want to turn a supposition about your boss’s attitude into an certainty.”

“Fine…” You trailed off and made a move to stand. He followed suit, leaving the trash behind, and you bent over to retrieve your bag. “I’m a visual learner, by the way.” Feeling emboldened by how the whole meeting had gone, you tossed a wink along with the comment.

He passed you an unamused look and you grabbed the repulsive sandwich from earlier.

You leaned into him sweetly. “Thanks for considering it, by the way. I want to quell one of your concerns. This is how I’ll deal with the whole cross-species thing.” You whispered before rounding away from him in a extended sweep .

Several people seated nearby seemed to take notice.

“Hey!” You shouted directly at the front counter. “So rotten food is just a standard thing here!?” 

Caught up in your display and already storming the employee’s fortress, you couldn’t be sure, but you imagined Donatello watching after you with that fond expression in his eyes.

NEXT

[wawamouse]

Director's Commentary about "At Rise" if you would!

I've repeatedly listed this as one of my favorite Miguel/Chico fics I've written, probably because it was the first, back when I'd just started, where the words just flowed and made total sense to me. I'm really proud of how the nonlinear time jumping turned out and was able to transition smoothly back and forth, each section basically responding to the next in match cut kind of way. Good job, me! The thing that probably keeps it from being a perfect fic (in my view) is that I really struggled with writing the end. I even let the fic sit for a while! But I never did come up with a better ending than:

Chico. Chico Guerra. Miguel turned the name over and over in his mind, but as the morning passed, it never rang a bell. He simply could not remember having ever met the guy before. That was fine, though, he decided. He had a feeling he wouldn't forget him again anytime soon.

🙄 Ah well. Kind of boring, is all. Not the worst. I mentioned it in a comment response on that fic, altho idk if everyone reads other comments on a fic like me, but in an earlier version of the fic, I had included a moment where Guerra actually mentions that they'd met a few months prior at a block party/cook out. They know some of the same people and met through Reynaldo but Miguel didn't remember Chico because he ended up getting into a fight with a guy at the shindig—the exact reason that Chico remember Miguel, on the other hand.

OH, and I rambled about this in another post… (just going to c&p the relevant section here:

I write really trashy smut and wattpad level indulgence in my notes app as a fun activity before bed sometimes. But those are never really meant to be published, though they're there for me to steal bits and pieces from for actual fics. Actually, a good chunk of "For Nothing Tender About It" and "Countdown" and probably smaller portions of some other fics I'm forgetting came from that notes app. Sometimes I'll read back stuff and be like "hey, that's actually not that bad" and polish it up, chop off the trashier bits, and then turn it into a oneshot.

…Relevant BECAUSE! The beginning of "At Rise" is a cleaned up portion from this notes app note. The very top of it, in fact! There are a couple other points in At Rise that reference parts of that notes app idea, including a portion I then remixed (yes, I remix my own drawer fics) into the section that would become "For Nothing Tender About It":

It wasn’t love or anything like that, but Miguel remembered how, when Alonzo had asked once, Chico had whispered yes, like he was in a trance. Yes, he thought about Miguel’s mouth, yes, he thought Miguel was beautiful. That tiny bit of regard had buoyed Miguel for longer than he cared to think about.

Obviously, that aspect of voyeurism at play at some vague point of At Rise, in the months that Miguel and Chico start working together to take over El Norte and get rid of Torquemada. My unwritten headcanon for what happens after Miguel asks Chico to kill him (kill him or shank him to put him in the hospital, away from Torquemada, Miguel doesn't even know what he was asking there himself) and he refuses is that Chico plays into the whole being brought by Miguel back into El Norte like Torquemada wants, but he's actually there in a sense taking some of Miguel's reliance on Torquemada away and getting him thinking for himself again while also position them for a take over of the drug trade (learning where Torquemada's supply comes from, etc, so they can just dispose of the guy and run things themselves, though now with Chico as leader and Miguel as his lieutenant).

Deleted scene/earlier draft tidbit about this fic: Originally, Miguel meets Chico inside of a club before it gets raided. There was an earlier "What the hell are you looking at?" where Miguel recognises Chico as a guy who's been watching him from across a dance floor. And then Reynaldo pops up and is like Oh hey! You met the connection! Then he introduces them and they go outside to talk, before running off together when the place gets raided. The whole idea kind of complicated what I was going for at the time (this version of the meeting was before I decided to go for the more structured time jumping transition). I ended up going with them meeting for the first time hiding in the ditch outside of an illegal rave that just got raided instead, which ultimately worked better and made Guerra seem more mysterious....

I actually went through my Google docs versions and found the original scene, so here! This was an edited version of what I described above, where I changed it so that Miguel was distracted by other things rather than disturbed at Guerra's staring.

“The fuck you looking at?” Reynaldo said, shouting over the music that seemed to fill every corner of the building. He tugged on Miguel’s arm again, trying to get his attention. “Yo! This is Guerra, man!” Miguel’s neck was still craned. He’d lost Ritz in the crowd somewhere—she and Martina had fucked off to God knew where in the two seconds his arm had slipped off her waist. Fucking Martina! She was always pulling Maritza somewhere else. A hand grabbed his shoulder, Reynaldo reeling him in against his side, shouting right into his ear just as the bunch of girls shrieked with joy over something happening near the DJ booth: “He’s the guy with the shit I was telling you about!” Those words finally drew Miguel’s focus, and he turned his head, eyes falling on a skinny looking guy standing on Reynaldo’s other side.  The guy—Guerra—had a goatee and black hair to his shoulders, a sort of easy-going smile on his face as he swayed to the house music, nodding hello at Miguel. Reynaldo gave him a push. “I’ll look for Maritza, bro—Carlos said Daniella and everyone are gonna head over to”—Light pulsed, and Reynaldo’s words were lost as he turned his head away to look somewhere else for a moment. “I got you, bro,” he said again, and then he was moving through the crowd. Miguel blinked, eyes landing back on Guerra. He gave Miguel an inquisitive look, tilting his head toward one side of the warehouse. “¿Vienes?” The cool night air swept over Miguel’s skin as followed Guerra out onto the fire escape and past couples smoking and making out against the walls.  People had parked their cars right on the once empty parking lot around the abandoned building, but Guerra didn’t take them much farther than behind the concrete stairwell into the warehouse. There, he leaned against the wall, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket and packing it against his palm.   “¿Qué quieres?” he said. It was all dark outside of the party, but moonlight seemed to glint off the gold chain around his neck anyway. “Miguel, right?” He stuck a cigarette in his mouth and patted his pockets. “Shit.” Miguel leaned against the wall beside Guerra, reaching for the lighter in his own pocket. “Nice tat,” Guerra said as he leaned over to light up. “You ran with Conejo, right? Heard what happened to him. Too bad.” “Yeah man.” Miguel put his lighter back in his pocket, getting to business. Reynaldo seemed to think Guerra was okay, and that was enough for him.. “You got pot?” “No. Could get some, but you’d have to give me an hour.” Guerra blew smoke in his face. “Reynaldo said you wanted E.” “I guess.” “You guess?” Miguel scoffed, kicking his foot. “My girl likes that shit.” The end of Guerra’s cigarette glowed red as he inhaled. “Twenty a pop.” “You kidding me?” “Strength is about one-sixty,” Guerra said, shrugging. “It’s good shit.”

You can definitely see where stuff got recycled for the final version!

Mmm, another little tidbit idk if anyone caught (good chance it was assumed but no one ever commented on it!). This section/flashback mentioned in the beginning:

His mind ran in circles, faster and faster, stumbling and tripping, remembering things that didn’t feel real anymore. Sunrise over the city, light glaring in his eyes. Crisp morning air in his lungs. The taste of coffee on his lips, too sweet.

…takes place after Miguel and Chico leave the diner that morning in the past lol. They make out some more Chico's car before he finally drops Miguel off. I headcanon they probably only run into each other and hang like two or three more times before Chico is arrested and then Miguel just sort of forgets about him / secretly glad to have that affair conveniently locked away, out of sight. Of course once he realises Chico's in Oz with him, they kind of circle each other warily before they start hooking up again when Chico moves into Em City.