#i had a BAD shutdown at least once a week from the stress

[will-falling-fell]

also also corporate: hey so we have enough people here, actually, you guys are working TOO efficiently. So some of you have to go somewhere else. Anyway suddenly the rest of you guys cant keep up anymore what's the holdup? Customers are getting mad and clearly its your fault so go fix it, also remember you arent allowed overtime

corporate: we wont pay you a cent above min wage

also corporate: why are all the good employees quitting? why are we understaffed? we gotta fix the high turnover rate that happens god knows why. everyone on the floor go and work harder to compensate while we figure out this mystery thanks

[lewis-faith]

Trip 2, day 1. Before I get into describing today, the most difficult day of travelling in my life (which is still not over). I want to go over my experience of returning to the UK last week.

Although I was expecting to be drained and tired I was not expecting to feel like a stranger in my own part of the world. Not because of people treating me a certain way but because I had been focussed so hard on my work in Poland my mind was still there. Even driving home and seeing the Pennines caused disturbance, the hill I often walk 2-3 times a week looked so much larger than I remembered it, I looked at it and couldn't believe I was able to walk up it at all. Maybe Poland is so flat any hill now would look oversized, I don't know. Sat in the kitchen having a cup of tea I realised I had a kind of tunnel vision, my surroundings didn't feel like home. My mind was going over things in Poland so much that it felt like home was now a place I did know properly. With not enough to keep my racing mind occupied I thought it wise to go to the pub and catch up with friends, maybe this would reorientation me. It actually worked wonders and I felt like I was rebuilding my internal map again.

Unfortunately the next day the pub effect had worn off. I was so tired and drained I was just staring into space without thinking of anything, very unlike me and pretty disconcerting. I spoke with other volunteers and they were have similar issues readjusting. My body also seemed to feel a bit poisoned, from what I have read online this was probably cortisol, a hormone released after stressful events. Although I've had bouts of extreme tiredness after various festivals it is was never coupled with being so emotionally drained, definitely the closest to be cataonic I'd ever been.

As weather in Cumbria was sunny I spent a good amount of time preparing the vegetable garden for summer, and with a few more visits to the pub I got back to near normal a week later. I have to thank all my friends in Alston for their moral support, it would have been pretty much impossible to return so quickly without being able to relax and enjoy myself.

With Easter weekend out of the way it was clear Russia was pressing on with phase two of their botched military operation. I contacted Love Bristol to check when I might be needed and they let me know help was needed in Warsaw. The vast majority of refugees don't stay around Przemysl very long and most head towards Warsaw where there are a number of very large humanitarian centres. Love Bristol have this week been creating a duplicate operation in and around Warsaw to compliment what has already been setup in Przemysl. So it will be a new area of Poland for me and there will be plenty of challenges involved in getting the Warsaw service running like clockwork. Which I suppose neatly segways into my current situation...

It's 7.05pm, I am waiting in Luton for my flight to depart. I was supposed to fly at 8.35am this morning from Edinburgh. You are probably thinking I flew to Luton and had a connection here. If only.

I wouldn't say I've done a lot of travelling by air but over the past ten years I've been abroad at least once a year sometimes twice. Being a freelancer without children I tend to pick dates that avoid congestion. A good move and one I will endeavour to uphold wherever possible in the future.

I honestly have never had bad flight delays to contend with before, flying back to the UK late in the day and being delayed 2 hours was an experience from the last trip I wanted to avoid. So I cunningly booked an early Sunday morning flight from a small airport. Ah yes but this is the last day of the Easter holidays, so obviously I forgot that when everyone is filling public transport trying to get home from their holidays, someone (presumably located in an ivory tower) decides this is the perfect weekend to shutdown lots of critical rail lines and double people's journeys by putting them on coaches.

To be honest a 4 hour journey through the hills of Scotland seemed palatable, the coach wasn't that busy and the sun still shon (until Edinburgh) so it was all very relaxing. Lots of new born lambs were playing around making it look all very idyllic.

The second part of my cunning plan was to stay only 15 minutes from the airport. A smooth and hassle free journey almost guaranteed. Nope.

When I was waking up and checking the time (it was 5.30am), I noticed an SMS from Wizz Air, your flight IS delayed it said. Oh well maybe a bit longer to rise, all good, an hour and a half late it indicated. Due to my previous travelling outside of peak times I have never had to deal with any delays announced before arriving at the airport. So being as close as I am I decide to get to the airport for 8am, just over 2 hours before departure. No problem there right?

On arrival the departure boards flash between two pages of information that are themselves animating on each row. This information maelstrom would easily be fixed by adding two more screens, that would be too sensible though of course, let's make do with two flashing ones. Anyhow it's says check-in for my flight was closed. Maybe it was the early start, but with now over 2 hours until departure I thought they were yet to open.

A coffee and a muffin later and 10 minutes of getting gradually more concerned it dawned on me something was not right. The delay wasn't getting worse and check-in wasn't opening. With no Wizz Air employees to talk to I collared a security officer who had a word with someone from Swissport. I had apparently arrived 7 minutes after they closed check-in. Faithfully they had observed the original departure time then disappeared without a trace. Disaster.

I'm advised to call Wizz Air, no problem, ahh it's a extortionally expensive premium rate number, I don't care. EE won't allow calls to this number - brilliant. I am now completely stranded with no help on offer.

The Swissport employee informs me there is not a single employee of Wizz Air in the airport. What about the ones with the plane? Oh they are busy with passengers. OK then, that is my cue to leave.

So taking a look at Skyscanner my options are to pay four times the price of my return ticket just for a single journey and to change flights in London. The small print helpfully warning it is your problem if delays make you miss your connecting flight. Truly stuffed from every angle.

Now I am understandably frantic and considering the options; stay in Edinburgh for days, travel back to England and fly in a few days, confusion is setting in. None of these options works and will seriously mess up my plan for Poland. I just can't delay another day let alone two. I look up the flights again, I see one leaves Luton in the evening and is normal price. If I can get the train there I would avoid more long delays at the airport and the possibility of missing two flights that day, which by the timetable on offer looked about possible.

So after some more searches it looked possible to get the train to London then to Luton but the timing was very fine. I took the gamble and booked the train and the plane on my phone whilst tramming back into Edinburgh. By the way the UK's most popular train booking service Trainline does not accept either of my two cards, its being doing this for months, more layers to this cake.

About 3 hours into my journey to London and no delays on the horizon I thought it would be sensible to make sure the London to Luton part was all tickety boo, paranoia maybe? London to Luton should be easy, err not this weekend. Yes I was expected to be travelling by bus, but the newest catch being the buses were sold out until 5.30pm which was 1 hour too late for me. Aaarrrrggh!

Cue many Google searches and map studies. At this point there was only Peterborough before arriving at London. Peterborough is about 1.5 hours from London and about the same from Luton albeit in a much more convoluted way. It seemed I could get off at Peterborough, get a train to Stevenage, wait an hour the get a bus to Luton, again making for razor thin timing. This seemed like the only viable option so off I got in Peterborough! This turned out to be the winning move of the day. I had enough time to get lunch there and make it to Steveange with lots of time. It turned out to be only 20mins to the airport from Stevenage so I threw in the towel and took an Uber car. This ironically made me ten minutes early for check-in, which was again faithfully observed by Wizz Air.

The flight was fine save for being made to wait for half an hour in the stairwell between the departure gate and the plane, everyone looked miserable, I was by this point beyond caring and happily listened to Mazzy Starr for total contrast and much needed therapy.

There endeth the hitches, I write this final part waiting for my suitcase 11 hours after I was supposed to be here in Poland!

[basically-i-write-shit]

Hey, i love your writing! Especially the yama aus and yama centric ones. I often see, in fics, that yama is often the one that pampers tsukki with love and affection and i wonder if we can just reverse uno card on that and make tsukki the one that is taking care of yama when he has a bad day and his anxiety/depression is sky rocketing. i just love some whump and yama being taken care of <3 thank you anyway. Hope you are doing well!

jfgfjdjsgh thank u <3 Yamaguchi is always always misrepresented, in my opinion. People need to stop portraying him as weak or whiny. 

The first day back to practice after the training camp is...surprisingly uneventful. 

Kei had, after all, been able to go to school still and saw everyone at least briefly. Still, after a week he’d expected the tone of practice to be different, but it’s not. More specifically, he’d expected Tadashi to act different- he was the only first year not in attendance of either training camps, after all. They’d avoided the topic pretty clearly after the initial bomb of Hinata crashing the camp, but in their text messages Kei could tell Yamaguchi was a bit more short than usual. Not really noticeable to anyone but Kei. 

Even still, Tadashi keeps a smile on his face at practice except when he thinks no one is looking. Except Kei is looking, and looking a lot, because he knows Tadashi. He knows how Tadashi thinks, and sees the increase in failed serves at practice, and knows a shutdown should be coming any moment now-

But it doesn’t. 

Instead, everything is calm and quiet. Kei takes a bit longer to change, since everyone wants to know more about camp, but when he eventually wrestles his way out of the club room and down the stairs, he sees Yamaguchi bouncing his leg nervously as he waits for Kei. When he sees his friend, the nervous habit freezes and he stands. 

“Ready?” 

“Yeah.” 

The walk home is, as is most nights, filled with talk about their day. Tadashi carries the conversation, as always, but something about the way he speaks feels...forced. Tadashi is avoiding the topic of volleyball altogether, despite the fact that it’s usually at least a part of the conversation. 

“Ah, this is my turn. I’m heading to Shimada’s place, so-” 

“Why don’t you come to my place tonight? We haven’t seen each much of each other in the last week.” 

“I don’t know, Tsukki, you saw me at practice tonight...I really need to work on them.” 

“And working too much can do more harm than good, Yamaguchi. Come on.” 

“I-” Tadashi starts, but Kei takes him by the wrist and begins pulling him down the road towards his house. Tadashi tries to protest more, but Kei decides to tune him out, continuing to walk with his hand around Tadashi’s wrist. He tries not to think too hard about how he’s basically holding hands with his friend. 

“We’re home!” 

“S- Sorry for the intrusion...” 

Kei’s mother greets them at the door, leaning against the frame as they take off their shoes in the entryway. “Kei, Tadashi, welcome home! Tadashi, I haven’t seen you all week, how are you doing?” 

“I’m good, auntie, thank you. Tsukki just got home late because of training camp, so I figured I’d let him rest instead of coming to study with him.” 

“Yet you stayed on video chat all night anyway,” Akiteru snorts as he passes the door, and Kei’s eye twitches. 

“Aki-nii, when does your college’s break end again?” 

“Not until after I get to see my little brother and his friends play at nationals, why do you ask?” 

“Can you leave anyway?” Kei deadpans, pouting when his mother tsks and gently hits his arm. 

“Be nice, Kei. I’ve got dinner on the stove, boys, so you can go study while it cooks and I’ll call you down, alright?” 

“Alright...” 

“Thank you, auntie.” 

“Oh, Tadashi, any time dear.” 

“Come on, Yamaguchi.” Kei, once again, grabs Tadashi by the wrist now that their shoes are off and leads him down the hall as if Tadashi hasn’t been to his house a million times. He doesn’t pull away until they’re at his door; he pushes it open, knowing Tadashi will turn the light on as they enter, and flops right onto his bed. His bag falls to the floor next to it with the dull thud of unfinished homework assignments, but he ignores them in favor of rolling over so he’s on the inner half of the definitely-too-small-for-two-people twin bed, patting the empty space next to him boredly. “C’mere.” 

Tadashi, used to sitting on the same bed as Kei but unused to him being so forward about it, cocks his head to the side. “Huh?” 

“Come lay down. You look like you haven’t slept in a week.” Tadashi’s eyes unfocus as he tries to process what Kei said, and Kei huffs, looking away. Too cute. “If I have to drag you around all week because you’re too tired from practicing too hard, I’m never sharing my notes with you again. Get over here already.” 

“You...invited me all the way over here to sleep, Tsukki? Because you think I’m overworking myself?” 

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Kei grumbles. “You’re free to do whatever you want, once you lay down, but yes. You act like I can’t tell your shoulders are as stiff as the King’s when he gets that stick up his ass. You’re stressed.” 

Tadashi snorts as he slides onto the bed next to Kei, their elbows bumping together as the sides of their thighs press firmly, shyly, together; it’s a position they’re used to by now, but it still sets Kei’s heart aflutter. “You’re too mean to them, y’know Tsukki. Half of your insults they’re too dumb to understand- you need to find someone to match your wit.” 

“That’s what you’re for, but you’re avoiding the subject Yamaguchi.” 

“Am not, you just said I seemed stressed and I didn’t think it was worth arguing when you’re right.” Tadashi says. 

“Well, you haven’t said why.” Kei turns and looks at Tadashi seriously, his eyebrows raised. “Is it because of training camp? You have nothing to worry about, you know. It’s not like we can get suddenly a hundred times better in a week, and I’m sure you were practicing hard at Karasuno.” 

Tadashi turns his head away from Kei, crossing his arms. “So what if it is? I know that, Tsukki, and even if I’m jealous I get why I wasn’t chosen to go so it’s not that. I just- Tsukki, the second years are getting better as well, and I don’t think I’m going to ever get a place as a starter, let alone a pinch server with Kinoshita-san’s serves getting as good as they are, and- and-” 

When he looks back to Kei, he has tears pooling in his eyes and his shoulders are shaking with a held-back sob. 

“I know it’s stupid, but I- I want to play with you again, Tsukki. But everyone is moving forward, and I feel like I’m stuck. Because coach wants us all working on serves, and I know I need to work on mine, but I also need to work on receives, and how am I supposed to get good at those when I’m not even good at the one thing that’s gotten me on the court so far? I’m not pitying myself, don’t you dare think I am, I’m pissed. I work so hard, and I’m going to be passed over again when the third years graduate, and I know it’s fair but that won’t stop the fact that I’m upset over it. I’ve done everything, and nothing’s wor-” 

“Yamaguchi, shut up.” 

Kei had taken in the rant with wide eyes, surprised at how much Tadashi had boiled over. He’d expected his friend to be upset, but the anger is something new. He doesn’t really know how to process everything, but he knows his friend is upset and this he can at least fix. 

“You’re doing the best you can, and that’s all that matters. Wasn’t it you talking to me about pride? I’m glad you’re not letting this get you down, but pushing yourself too hard isn’t going to help you much. What if you hurt your arm and can’t practice serves? Then what? Then you’re really screwed.” 

Tadashi, brows pinched together, bites his lip. “Tsukki, I-” 

“If you want, I’ll help you practice receiving some nights. But only if you don’t overwork yourself, and I’ll be checking in to make sure you aren’t.” Kei says. Tadashi stares at him, clearly surprised. “Deal?” 

“I- Yes, definitely, Tsukki. What about spikes?” 

“Don’t push it.” 

Tadashi laughs brightly, his shoulders slowly relaxing as he melts into the mattress. “Worth a shot, huh? And, uh- thanks, Tsukki. I think I needed the pep talk more than I thought I did...” 

“Any time, Yamaguchi.” Kei pulls out his phone now that the heart-to-heart is over and scrolls through it, turning his attention away from the way his heart hammers at the sound of Tadashi’s laugh. 

Yamaguchi leans his head on his shoulder to see what he’s doing despite Kei’s protests and, shortly after, begins to doze off despite his original protests. 

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH. 8

TW

Mentions of SELF HARM. Please be aware before reading.

“Yeah, in the end Jenna Rosencali decided that she didn't want to invite Meghhan Levei to her birthday party. And that's what started the water balloon war at eight in the morning.” Little Jo said as she scrunched her curls trying to get them to dry somewhat uniformly.

The poor eleven year old had walked into the shop soaked down to the bone. Her cousin had rushed her straight into the break room to have her get dry and change clothes. Even running across the street to Dunkin' and get her favorite breakfast sandwich and donut. Then Jo had come out not even a minute after he left and proceeded to tell you what happened, knowing her cousin probably thought she'd been bullied.

But you were different, you didn't see her as a target at all. She likes to think you see her as a little sister, one who enjoys hanging out with you. As much as she likes to think that she understands you probably just see her as the boss' kid that you have to be nice to. You don't immediately jump to her aid when things look a certain way, like just right now. You waited to hear what she had to say rather than assuming someone was mean to her because she was different. Jo knows her family just wants to protect her but sometimes she just wants them to listen to her like you do.

“It's always Megans. Lemme guess name spelt weird.” like right now, you heard her.

“Yea she's got two 'h's in the middle. Meghhan.” she laughs as you roll your eyes. She tics and yanks on her hair as she's scrunching.

“Ouch” stupid tics.

“I've got some shea moisture in my locker in the break room, want me to grab it for you? It'd help with frizz.” another reason she likes you, it took a few days before you stopped checking on her tics, so long as she didn't have scissors.

Even her family haven't mastered that and they've been dealing with her Tourettes for six years.

“Please.”

She follows you to the back for the hair masque. Letting her take what she needed you place the jar back in your locker. Letting her know she's free to it in emergencies like this or rainy days. It's not like your locker was ever locked with just you and Nate being here. And you're pretty sure Nate dipped into this emergency hair saver as well. You didn't have an extreme need for it here it was just a habit you've kept from living in muggy humidity most your life.

“How's your week been?” Jo asked as she finally settled her hair how she liked it, with help from the masque.

She startles at the frustrated noise you make as you both leave the break room.

“Bad?” she questions.

“Sort of...there's...this..it's...”

Shit, you hadn't thought about your response. With all the stress this week you just reacted naturally to the question. Who can blame you, what with your stalker being on your mind all week, minimal amount of sleep, plus the weird interaction you'd had with Brian at the start of it. Then yesterday you topped off your stress with a healthy portion of more frustration driving up to the lodge after work to see if Barclay would like some help with cooking or even shopping for the picnic. Stubborn man sent you off with a hearty laugh after getting you opinion on the vegetarian/vegan main course, eggplant teriyaki or tofu and pineapple chipotle skewers.

“Oooooooh a boy.~” she might not be your actual sister...but you're starting to understand the Cain Instinct.

“Half right I guess.” Jo starts bouncing waiting to hear more, she's probably expecting some juicy relationship drama. Sucks for her that you are probably the world's most boring twenty-four year old, and you're content with that.

“Barclay's just frustrating sometimes.”

“Wait! You and Barcl-”

“Nope.” you interrupt, “I asked him if he needed help with any cooking for the picnic and he brushed me off.” You know he didn't mean anything by it and from what everyone said he could more than handle cooking for the amount of people just fine on his own. You'd just thought it'd be a nice gesture to offer, though you did hope he'd accept. He'd been pretty quick to turn you down, had you been any one else you may have even been insulted by the speed of the rejection.

“That's what's bothering you?” Jo's face held a very confused expression on it. It was understandable since not a lot actually bothered you, especially something as small as this. However, it's not like you could tell an eleven year old 'Yea I'm kinda being stalked right now and this week has me looking at every shadow and movement differently but fortunately or...unfortunately no one seems to notice and just brush it off as my hallucinations.'

Yup, totally not the thing you confide to an eleven year old about. Especially now that you have your plan all figured out. You've planned to let the stalker continue stalking you, picking up clues where ever they may leave them. They're bound to slip up at least once after a month of following you through your routines. Should be able to find evidence to have Big Jo help you in no time.

“Well no...I've just had a lot on my mind...”

“We can talk about it.” kid's got a kind heart, but this isn't her problem and you won't put it on her.

“Nah, it's fine.”

There's a pause as silence settles over the shop front. Jeez how long does it take to get an order from Dunkin'? Jo is staring at you as if she can see every part of your being. Breaking open your soul so all your secrets are laid out on display for her. You really don't like it, it feels like being under the microscope and it's making your skin get that familiar itch under it.

“Stop staring.” thankfully she does as you ask.

“...you said it's fine...are you going to be ok though?” Damn Montessori schools, actually allowing children to pick up on emotions and meanings behind linguistics.

You have to pause when you go to respond with the polite 'Yea I'll be good'...because you hadn't given it any real thought. You've made up this best case scenario plan. A plan that requires time and a lot of it. But you never gave thought to the fact that you might not have much time at all. What if the situation was more dire than you thought...what if this wasn't simply a stalker but a serial killer and you happen to fit his MO. A cult who was looking for the perfect sacrifice for their god. And while those thoughts could also be far fetched so is the scenario that you've built up for this past week.

Even if this was a simple stalking case, who's to say it wouldn't escalate? You have an old steel baseball bat in the hall closet and you could use it in case things got dicey. But that would require it being on your person a lot more than it actually is. Maybe you could make it look like you took up going to batting cages...are there even any batting cages in Kepler?

'Fucking focus...stop the rambling. Am I going to be ok?' you think to yourself despite the roaring chaos of your mind. Even with all the possibilities being thrown around you don't have an answer. Maybe that's really the answer after all if you can't get even one 'yes' from any of the possibilities...maybe you wouldn't be ok after all. Maybe you weren't ok.

“I don't want to talk anymore.” It's said so plainly, in such a dull monotone that it throws Jo off.

Jo's not quite used to this but she understands from the two times she's seen it that sometimes you just shut down under pressure like this. This topic, whatever it is, must really bother you. She wishes there was something she could do to make you feel better, but you can be really volatile in this state. Easily going from shutdown mode to meltdown at the simplest action.

With a jolt joined by a 'yip-yup' she remembers something that might put you in a better mood. And if it doesn't she still needs to give it to you so you have it. Rushing off to the back as fast as her legs will take her, having the agility only years of dance can provide.

Nate comes back into the shop as she disappears to the back.

“Did you know the Dunkin' across the street does parties?” What? To the man's credit he had no reaction to your blank stare and lack of response. He clocked the eye contact aversion right away.

You've gone into shutdown mode. Sometimes you just go quiet and that's fine, you're like a robot in this state and if he sets you up with a task that should take all day you have it finished in a few hours.

Once when he asked you just said you needed to not talk at time and that the tasks were good ways to process thoughts. Nate was reasonably creeped out by this but you aren't hurting anyone so c'est la vie.

“Nate?” Jo's calls out from down the hall.

“Yea, I'm back. Brought food.” he set the bag on the counter and handed you the shitty hash rounds you like for some reason.

'It's only cuz they're bad, if they were good they wouldn't be worth eating.' you think as you pop one into your mouth.

Jo comes twirling back into the room. In a broad sweep of motion kicks her foot off the floor to do one final dramatic twirl that ends in a bow with the same leg pointed toward the ceiling. All to present to you and Nate two tickets. Tickets to what?

“Another dance rehearsal?”

“Nope actual thing this time.” she supplies passing you each a ticket.

It's such a formal looking ticket for a recital that only goes up to age twelve max. Most dancers will still be in elementary school. But they want you to treat this like the Russian Ballet. Oh it even says it's a black tie event, completely different from the rehearsals you've been too.

You aren't sure if you have anything black tie status. You'll have to make a trip further out of your normal bounds and go thrifting for an outfit. Luckily it won't be happening for another month, that gives you plenty of time to try finding something in your size that you also like. It also gets you out of Kepler and away from your stalker for a few hours. Hopefully. But there's a chance your stalker will follow you on your outings away from Kepler so you'd need to keep an eye out for familiar faces on the trip.

“YN...will you come?” Jo's looking up at you with her big puppy eyes. Unfair, even if you wanted to decline she pulled puppy eyes. What heartless monster would refuse puppy eyes.

You give a slow nod along with a smile that doesn't reach your cheeks let alone your eyes. And while Jo's a little disappointed with the lack of enthusiasm she's still excited for you to come to her recital. Nate nudges her into her personal reading nook making up a lie that you hadn't finished your task sheet today so he'd watch over her while you finished working. You'd only had vacuuming and organizing the shelves that got mussed up the previous day, needless to say you were done nearly as soon as you started. When he came back to you he had a whole stack of papers for books that would need to be input into the system. You got to spend the rest of the day on the dinosaur computer in the backroom.

The quiet was nice.

After you'd gotten off work you still weren't out of your funk. Frustrated with the idea of going home and not actually being alone with a stalker prowling around. You decided to go to the one place that can calm even your worst of moods. The stream.

There's a reason why you've never been able to do longer than a thirty minute hike through the Monongahela and that's the stream. Every time you've said you'd go further into the forest you're always drawn back into that spot along the bank right under the red spruce. It has the best smell of all the trees, you think.

Just thinking about it has you having a better outlook on the day. You hardly spare the RV a glance as you go along your usual route.

You've said it once you'll say it again for emphasis. You could walk the same path every time you came through and always find something different. Like that cool rock right there. Picking it up to inspect it closer you note the color is a deep dark brown that it almost looks black even obsidian, it reminds you of something but you can't quite place it. It's very smooth and oddly enough fits perfectly in your hand given it's larger size.

You think you'll keep it, this is a good rock. Idly rubbing the smooth surface of the stone as you trek through your trail, you can feel the tension start to ease off of you. You found a very nice worry stone, it works amazingly well. Hopefully no one lost it and it is just a naturally occurring stone that you happened on by chance. As much as you like it you'd hate to think of the chance of someone loosing something they need.

All thoughts cease once you hear the babble of the stream. As if on auto pilot you move with a fluidity through the brush and low hanging tree branches to your spot. Right under the spruce. Just as you did the last week and every other trip before you remove your shoes and socks placing them further behind you, so you can dip your feet into the cool stream. It's very refreshing on this hot summer's day.

Lying down with your feet still in the stream you close your eyes and just loose yourself to nature. All your cares and worries getting washed away by the steady moving stream. It's strange to be here without the buzzing in the back of your head. Oh great speak of the devil and he shall appear. It's fine, after all you're used to this, it's easy to ignore.

However, what isn't easy to ignore is the snapping of a branch, from in front of you just across the stream, how cliche. Cliches aside the sound rockets you back into a sitting position as you look for the source. And you find it...find him standing just on the other side of the stream emerging from the brush on that side. Toby. And he's mask less, not a weird choice considering he probably wouldn't have run into anyone had you not decided to come out for a hike.

Great you can feel your chances at friendship slipping through your grasp just like the water slips down the bend. He's gonna think you're weird when you don't respond to him verbally. Or worse he'll think you were rude for not wanting to talk to him and then never want to talk to you again in retaliation. Whatever relaxation had once been over you quickly dissipates and you are left anxious and with a tickle at the base of your skull.

Toby hasn't said anything yet. Not even a raised hand in a half wave. You also don't see Connor anywhere. Is Toby okay right now? Fuck even with that kind of thought you can't manage to move your lips let alone actually utter a sound, even ones that wouldn't ever be counted as words by anyone who was currently living. So you take the first move, literally.

Raising the hand without the stone in a mock form of a greeting. Toby doesn't seem to quite register it or you but he copies the movement. Oh he must be dissociating either that or in a catatonic state similar to the one you'd been in last weekend. That's probably how he knew he just needed to sit you down and keep and eye on you. You could do that for him...if that's what he needed.

You wave your hand beckoning Toby to come over to your side of the stream. Toby tilts his head to the side before his arms jolt up, going across his body. You assume it was a tic because he didn't keep the pose long. Tilting your head back at him, as if to say 'You coming over?', you pat the spot next to you.

Seems he registered that because he backed up a few steps before taking a running leap to cross the stream. He lands with more grace than you'd given the lanky guy credit for, normally someone with such long limbs would be a lot more clumsy. Not to mention that was a pretty wide jump, and Toby only has a few inches on you, you could probably barely cover the width of the stream. But he not only cleared it but he gave himself a good six inches of coverage away from the edge. You just hope he didn't roll or over exert anything by doing that. With his insensitivity to pain he wouldn't feel it and if he wasn't here mentally right now it's likely he wouldn't even remember he made a jump like that in the first place.

When he just stands in place staring at you, you get a bit uneasy. What's up with everyone staring at you today? You get really uncomfortable with people's stares normally, and now you're overstimulated and stressed it's not a great combination. But you can rationalize Toby is having a moment of his own. And since he helped you the best that he could you'll do the same for him, pushing aside your own issues for the moment. After all what are friends for.

He's standing within arms reach. You don't even have to get up as you gently grab his hand and give a few light tugs. Trying your best to get across that he should sit down with you. This would probably be a lot easier if you could speak right now. Did he speak to you when you were like this?

Toby thankfully gets the message and drops into a criss-cross position next to you. You start to retract your hand, now that the need for contact is over, when Toby's rough hand closes around it suddenly. Looking to Toby he's just staring straight ahead and not at you. His eyes aren't frantic or moving in any way, like yours sometimes do when you're following a hallucination. Physical closeness must help him through this kind of thing.

As gross as the feeling normally would be for you it isn't so bad right now. It seems Toby's CIPA also affects his body's temperature and his ability to sweat. Where there's usually the feeling of burning and clammy moisture coming off of another person, Toby is just tepid and dry. If anything it feels as if you're being held by a leather baseball glove.

Toby's hands are very rough, especially his palms, maybe you should let him burrow some of the goat milk lotion Dia gave you a few weeks ago. It smells pretty good and it only takes a little bit to soften your skin back up. But as you look closer at his hands you can see the spots roughest are around his nail beds. Someone has a biting problem, maybe he needs an oral stim toy. That would keep his flesh out of his mouth, and stop him from injuring himself...hopefully. There's still a chance he'd bite through his tongue without realizing, honestly you're a little surprised that hasn't happened yet.

You had completely forgotten about the stone in your hand until you went to grab at Toby's hand that still held yours in a firm grip. Seeing the dark brown rock again you remembered what it reminded you of, Toby's eyes. They were the same shade as the rock, that's funny...anecdotally at least. This rock helped you maybe it would help calm him down some. Worth a shot.

Since your hand closest to him is preoccupied you have to reach across his body to nudge the rock to his hand. He spares it a single glance before covering it with his other hand. Mission partially accomplished you guess. Now you're just sitting here, with Toby catatonic, by the edge of the water bank. Pulling your feet from the stream you mirror Toby's pose, you'll likely be here a while.

While normally you'd love to just loose your self to the sounds surrounding the stream, in the presence of another person you're too jittery to enjoy that. If only you had something to fidget with... You wonder what Toby's reaction would be if you just... Toby turns his head to watch you when he feels a gentle smaller hand on his own. Dark eyes watching intensely as you pull his hand into your lap. Turning it over so his palm is facing up, before you start tracing patterns into his palm lines and flexing his fingers individually. He watches for a moment before turning back to his original point.

Playing with his hand you noticed a few more things about Toby. From his chipped black nail polish, a look you personally think not enough guys go for even though it makes them look more attractive and approachable. To the single string paracord medical bracelet he's wearing, metal tag simply stating 'TOURETTE'S SYNDROME'. And a little further down you see scars, a few are crescent shapes easily identified as Toby's own nails. But most are straight lines, even a few jagged cuts, that run up and along his forearm.

'Tobais...what on Earth happened to you?' just as the thought rings through your mind you feel a sudden weight on your shoulder.

Toby is resting on your shoulder with his eyes close. You can tell he's just resting them by the lack of movement behind the eyelids.  With his head being on your shoulder you can smell him, not in a creepy way but he's just so close that his scent waifs your way. He smells like fresh dirt...it isn't a bad smell. It reminds you of gardening but on an overcast day. It hadn't rained today so how does he smell like it?

Moving your attention back to his hands, and away from how nice Toby smells, you catch sight of the scars again and bite your lip. Not wanting to dwell on the scars and their implications any longer. You curl and uncurl his fingers and start a rhythmic motion of curling them individually.

'You poor sweet boy.' is the only thought you can focus on. Even though the scars may be old and those wounds long healed. Toby at one point made them and it's very apparent that he is still not in the best way mentally. Once the two of you are friends, you'll do your best to be there for him. Like you are right now...you really hope it helps.

Toby didn't make even the slightest movement until the sky had begun to bleed its deep oranges across the horizon. He pulls his hand out of your grasp. And when you try to retrieve it to keep up you activity he softly pushes your hands back to you. Guess he's done for now.

With as late as it is, you'd like to go home. And Toby seems more aware of the things going on. But it isn't until you hear a call for him behind you two and he reacts looking in the direction of the call, that you decide he's safe enough for you to leave here.

Without much hesitancy you push off of the ground and stand. Toby isn't looking at you. Taking that as a cue you head back towards the entrance of the forest. Before you leave the clearing however, you look back to Toby and notice a dark colored stone resting nicely in his palm as he idly brushes a finger across it's surface.

Yea he's going to be fine.

[lopithecusfanfiction]

Glory and Fame with a Bullet with No Name

Author: Lopithecus Pairing: Markus/Connor Rating: Teen+ Word Count: 1498 Alternate: AO3 Summary: Markus is making a speech after the successful demonstrations that freed the androids from the camps, with Connor as his bodyguard. However, things don't go as planned and one of them gets hurt, forcing feelings to be discussed. Warnings: N/A Author's Note: I’ve been meaning to post this fic on Tumblr ever since the Rk1k Week 2019 ended. If you haven’t read it on AO3 already, please enjoy! Prompt: Day 3 - “You were destined for the glory, the honor, and the fame. I was destined for a bullet, to be the gun with no name.”

Connor enters the room and looks around, watching as humans and androids alike enter from the front of the auditorium. He’s nervous, a feeling he isn’t exactly used to having. Markus has decided to have a press conference, taking place only a few weeks after their victory in releasing the androids from the camps. Connor doesn’t think it’s a good idea but Markus is hell bent on having it anyway no matter how persistent Connor expresses his opposition. That’s why he offered to be Markus’ bodyguard. If he can’t stop the android from doing something stupid, he can at least protect him.

“Connor, are you okay?” He startles some at the sound of Markus speaking right behind him.

Turning, he smiles. “I’m fine.” He lets his smile fall. “Markus, are you sure-”

The other android holds up a hand, stopping Connor from saying any more. “Connor, we’ve been over this. I have to do this. I have to let the humans know where we stand and that we aren’t going away.”

“But you just won your protests a few weeks ago,” Connor persists. “Don’t you think it’s risky? Don’t you think you should let a few blow over before standing in front of thousands of humans? Especially with no security.”

Markus places a hand on his shoulder and gives him a smile. “That’s why I have you here.”

Connor shakes his head. “I’m only one android, Markus.”

The android gives Connor shoulder a few pats and then gets into place to walk up on stage. With a sigh, Connor follows, deciding to stay close to the deviant leader. He doesn’t know if Markus is expecting him to be stage and center with him and he really doesn’t care. It’s the only solution he can come up with, the only one that makes the most sense if he wants Markus to get out of this whole thing alive. Connor doesn’t like this one bit. There are too many humans, too many angry and scared humans. Any of them, any of them that aren’t in favor of androids having freedom, could attack.

Simon is the one that does the introductions, calling Markus up onto the stage. They both walk up to the podium, Markus glancing back at Connor to see that he is there. There’s no reaction from the android. Maybe he had predicted such a thing from Connor. Once behind the podium, Markus begins his speech and Connor scans the room once more.

There are more humans than androids in the crowd, only serving to cause Connor more unease. He has a bad feeling about this place, doesn’t like  how jam packed it is. It’s hard to tell what the humans are doing, what they are caring in their hands. They should have set up some android security by the doors, maybe even some metal detectors, though those would go off every time an android walked through it. To Connor, it would be worth it if it meant Markus being safe.

The lights that are shining on them are blinding and Connor has to adjust his visual processor to accommodate it, making it easier to see the crowd. He goes one by one, learning each and every name in that building, their occupations, and their criminal records. There some without records, some with, mostly assault and battery. More than half of the humans here have no jobs and he can clearly see more than one angry face amongst all the people. Connor counts ten androids out of the thousand-two-hundred humans. He doesn’t like the odds.

As Markus begins to reach the end of his speech, Connor reads the stress level of one particular human as eighty percent. He keeps an eye on this human as Markus starts wrapping up. “I hope this is a beginning to things to come,” Markus says. “A beginning to living harmoniously together and living equal to one another.” The android pauses. “I want to thank you all for coming and for listening.”

The humans stress level is now at ninety-five percent and he sees him stand before everyone else, drawing something out of the inside of his jacket. Connor acts immediately. “Markus, get down!”

The bang of a gun rings loud in the room as people scream and scatter frantically. Markus and Connor hit the ground hard and chaos consumes the room, humans and androids fleeing the room. Connor sits up, drags Markus with him so they are both crouched behind the podium.

“Connor,” he hears Markus’ concerned whisper from beside him and meets the android’s gaze. He looks stricken, one hand on Connor’s shoulder and the other on the floor. Markus’ eyes flit down and Connor’s own eyes follow, noticing right away the blue blood dripping out of his abdomen. “We-we need to get you help.”

Connor shakes his head, reading the pop up of his ultimate shutdown. “No, I need to capture that man.”

Connor makes to get up but Markus’ hand on his shoulder stops him. “Connor!” Connor kneels back down. “Don’t.”

Connor blinks at the android, realizing that Markus is now looking terrified. Another shot rings in the room and the man shouts something. There’s still people screaming all around and Connor doesn’t have time for this. “I am your bodyguard. I have to protect you.”

“No you don’t!” Markus practically yells, taking Connor by surprise. “You’re not a machine anymore, Connor, you don’t have to complete your missions!”

He shrugs Markus’ hand off. “It’s not a mission. It’s a job.” He pulls away, peering around the podium corner to spot the man. If he’s careful he can make it. “Don’t worry, Markus.” He leaves the safety of the podium then, ignoring Markus calling him back.

*~~~*

When Connor opens his eyes, he doesn’t expect to be lying down in a bed in the New Jericho building. He sits up slowly, confusion making its way into his thoughts, but when he goes to reach for where the bullet hole was, his hand is stopped. Connor looks and discovers that someone is holding his hand. His eyes travel up the other’s arm and soon he is met by blue and green eyes.

“Markus,” he says breathlessly. “What happened?”

“You scared me, that’s what happened.” Markus’ eyebrows are furrowed in concerned and he squeezes Connor’s hand. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“I… don’t remember all of what happened,” Connor continues. “Did I stop the man?”

A chuckle escapes Markus’ mouth. “You tackled him to the ground and wrestled the gun away. It was quite impressive actually.”

“No one else got hurt?”

Markus shakes his head. “Just you.” He frowns. “Connor, thank you for saving me but…” The android wipes at his face. He looks tired. “I thought you were going to die. We were lucky to get you back here in time to replace your damaged biocomponents. I thought…” Markus pauses, avoids eye contact. “I thought I had lost you.”

“You lost me?”

“You’re important to me, Connor.” Markus’ eyes meet Connor’s once more. “You’re more than just important to me. You’re… you’re everything.”

Connor is confused. “Markus, I don’t understand.”

Markus stands and sits down on the edge of the bed, holding Connor’s hand still. The android studies where their hands are joined. “These past few weeks, spending time with you. I’ve grown to be… very fond of you and… I don’t want anything to happen to you. When I thought you were dying, it felt like I was dying. I don’t want you putting yourself at risk like that again.”

Connor’s Thirium pump warms with the declaration of Markus’ feelings. “I feel the same way, Markus.” Markus looks up at him in surprise. “But you have to understand. You were made for glory, for honor, and fame. To be a leader to us. I was made for a bullet, to be a gun, a weapon, with no name. We have different purposes, Markus, and we both are going to act out those differences. You can’t stop me from sacrificing myself for others just as much as I can’t stop you from leading the deviants and putting yourself at risk that way.” He grabs Markus’ other hand, holds them close. “I love you, Markus, and I want to protect you. No matter what.”

Markus is scrutinizing his face and Connor can see the exact moment the android relents. “Okay, Connor. Just, be more careful next time, okay?”

Connor nods. “Okay.”

Markus nods too, stares some more, and then finally leans in closer, pressing their lips together and telling Connor that he loves him too in his own special way. Connor kisses back, savoring in the feel of Markus’ lips against his, not knowing if they’ll live long enough to get another chance. He decides from then on that he will live each day as if it is his last, love Markus with everything he’s got, and enjoy the time he gained. That’s really all any of the androids can do right now.

—————————————————————————————————

A/N: Thanks for reading!!

[wanderinglotus7]

I’M SICK

On wednesday I discovered it was National Eating Disorders Awareness Month. For someone who struggles with an ED and body image it almost slipped right past me. It doesn’t surprise me because my mind has been in an anxious and hazy fog lately. Other than that I had a breaking realization with the state of my bulimia. I’ve been feeling very disgusted with myself, I found myself immediately purging this week to feel “empty” or maybe the need to purge is more of a distraction from what’s really going on in my life. I know for sure this whole internship process is adding more stress in my life to the stress that is already present. At times I feel like I am losing control over my life. It’s sad that I have to schedule time in my days to do basic stuff like take a shower, nap, do something I love, or even take a moment (5 minutes) to be present (breathe).

What’s really bugging me is the narrative surrounding eating disorders. I’m tired of only seeing and hearing white images and voices. Its like the world is blind to the fact that EDs aren’t just a White female illness. Hello! Males and color folk can suffer from these issues. Granted, I am inspired by Demi Lovato for being so open with her struggles, but where are those individuals who look like me speaking their truth in the public. I rarely hear conversations of Black females being open with their struggles. If I do it’s associated with Body Positivity which isn’t bad. However, for some of us, we cannot reach Body Positivity until we learn to accept of ourselves and our bodies. Sometimes I feel like a fake because I am open with my body image and ED, I don’t really address the hatred and guilt I have towards myself. It’s a constant battle. And when I do express my experiences with bulimia and body image it gets treated like I am frustrated with dieting or making lifestyle changes. This is the type of message I felt like I was receiving when this topic came up in my therapy session. I felt like I was being misunderstood. Granted my therapist is a white woman, so talking about ED, body image, and being sexually objectified as a young Black woman she wont understand. Again...BODY IMAGE AND EATING DISORDERS DON’T ONLY EFFECT WHITE FEMALES! BLACK FEMALES STRUGGLE WITH THESE ISSUES TOO!

One thing I do appreciate when it comes to compliments from my boyfriend is that he doesn’t focus on my body first. The first thing he always states is how much he loves my smile which can really brighten my day especially when I am having a bad body image day. But on some occasions he has made some comments like saying “squishy” and “soft” that have made me feel even worse about myself. I do give him credit for trying to understand my issues. I appreciate his effort. But I do recognize the frustration he experiences sometimes when I begin to bash myself or deny/not accept his compliments. Once the ED voice begins to speak, I shut everyone out including myself. My illness can become crippling. For examples, I missed my sister’s birthday dinner because I didn’t like the idea of having to wear “real” clothes and the idea of eating around people freaked me out, I isolated myself in my room after looking at myself in the mirror for at least five minutes, I’ve cried and wanted to throw a brick at my mirror because I hated the way I looked in a t-shirt and shorts ( I was just going to Wal-Mart) and I deny myself of wearing clothes that I would like to wear because I am afraid of attracting attention to myself ( I don’t want people to notice that I am fat). My problem areas are my stomach and stretch marks. Uggg! How I despise my stomach! I wish it can disappear and never come back. And I wish it can be flatter. I would love to loose between 20 to 40 pounds.

My relationship with food is all fucked up, and I feel like people don’t understand this. Telling me I need to be more committed to exercising or making smarter food choices doesn’t register with my ED brain. To me it sounds like bullshit. Then I become frustrated and that’s when I shutdown all the outside noise and recede from life. Do you know how tiring it is to constantly be fixated on food? IT FREAKING SUCKS! I am soooo concerned about what types of food I’m going to eat, how much I’m going to eat, when I am going to eat, and how I am going to get rid of the food that I did eat for the day. Depending on my state of mind, I’m contemplating on ways to purge or restrict myself for the rest of the day or for the next day. I CAN’T NEVER WIN! And I am trying hard to overcome my poor body image and bulimia. Having a therapist is good, but when it comes to these issues group therapy is a better route for me. I feel less alone if that makes sense. I really hope I don’t pass these issues to any of my future children if I ever have a child or children in the future ( I don’t want them to suffer).

I’m still receiving treatment for my problems. And know this isn’t gonna be resolved within a year or two. It’s going to be a rough and long process. I hope whoever reads this finds some allyship from my story. We are good enough! Above everything else, we are good enough for ourselves, and we are worthy of love, but we have to work on loving ourselves which is easier said than done, but we have time to learn because I am still learning this lesson. It’s 2021 and I began to learn how to accept, respect, and love myself back in 2018. Sad to say, “We live in a world where we value the scale over our souls” (CeCe Olisa).

Here are some things to think about I received from a TEDTalk presented by CeCe Olisa on How to Build Self Confdence: Step 1- Identify your perceived obstacle Step 2- Imagine what your life would look like if your perceived obstacle disappeared Step 3- Address your perceived obstacle Step 4- Choose to live the life you imagined today. From Olisa, “Don’t wait on your weight to live the life you want”! My first step is purchasing a dress that I like and wear it out in public without shame or regret. Seems simple, yet, it will be a major step on my ED journey.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #280

“this is the place in our mind with a crooked crown / we came to execute its own perfect shutdown”

Do you have a strong local accent? No. Do you prefer green or red grapes? Red, but either is fine so long as they’re crisp. Can you stand on your hands unassisted? pffff Who was the last person to knock/ring at your door? Pizza guy. How old were you when you last went trick or treating? No idea. Have you ever been bobbing for apples? ”No. That’s a gross game lol you’re dipping your head and mouth into water other people are dipping their head and mouth into.” <<<< This. What’s your most expensive piece of clothing? No clue. What’s the last thing you took a picture of? Guys I actually took a selfie bc for once in my goddamn life, I felt really pretty with the makeup Summer did on me. She's working towards a degree in cosmetology and is so talented with it. What’s the last thing you drew a picture of? A meerkat pup. Have you ever been on a pogo stick? Omg, yes. I got one for I think Christmas one year as a kid and I got SO into it. I learned how to do it really well. Can you down a pint (of anything) in one? Probably not without throwing up. Have you ever been banned from a public place? No. Have you ever been in a newspaper? A couple times, I think. I know once in elementary school for when I was in chorus; we went somewhere for a small Christmas show. Then I believe I was in it for another school thing? Idr. What football team do you support? I don’t care for football or sports in general. What did you want to be when you grew up? My phases included paleontologist, vet, movie director, author, game designer, aaaand I know I’m forgetting one. But my current and long-term goal has been to become a photographer. Being an artist as a free time “job” has always been an aspiration, too. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes? In school, yeah. How often do you buy new clothes? Very rarely. Usually just around Christmas or my birthday from gift cards I get. Are you reliable? In some ways yes, in other ways no. Are you proud of yourself? No. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be? If she’s ended up happy. Do you hold grudges? Nah. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas? Mom does pretty much last minute, but only sometimes when looking at the past few years. Can you solve sudoku puzzles? Sure, they’re fun. What’s the most unusual conversation you've ever had? Who knows. Are you much of a gambler? Not at all. I don’t fuck around with money, especially when just $5 makes you feel great. Have you ever been to Disneyland? I’ve been to Disney World. Do you sing in the shower? Very rarely. Almost never now that I don’t play music while I’m in there. As a child did you ever suck your thumb or fingers? I mean probably? I do know I loved my pacifier and was SO upset when Mom’s doctor or someone playfully told me I was gonna have to give it up because my upcoming baby sister would want to steal it, and guess what? Nicole never fucking used a pacifier so I was tilted lmao. What time do you usually go to bed? Lol BRO it can be as early as 7 PM on bad depression days to as late as like, 2-3 AM. I’d say the average time is like… 9:30. What's your favorite animal? MEERKATS hngggggggggggggggg Have you ever been in marching band? No. Do you have any enemies? No? At least I don’t consider anyone to be. Have you ever been a cheerleader? As a kid, Mom wanted me to so I could do something with my sisters, who were actually interested in cheerleading. She certainly didn’t force me to or anything, I just agreed to it despite not being into it. We were with this Christian sports group for a long time doing various sports all the while being taught lessons in Christlikeness. I’ve actually got warm memories of it Did you ever date anyone on the football team? No. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, not that I’m against the idea tho. The plushy would just have to be very special to me and also comfortable to hold. How many consecutive days have you ever missed of school? I missed an entire week when I learned about Mom’s cancer. I could barely function. With how much school stressed me, I would NOT have managed. Have you ever been pregnant? No, not in my to-do list. When was the last time you wanted to speak out, but couldn’t? I’m sure it was recently over Facebook; most times, I keep my mouth shut over political things on there that might get me fired up because I’m afraid of confrontation. Are fingerless gloves awesome? I love them. Wore them daily in high school. I still have some of my favorites, though I’m doubtful they still fit my hands… Would you rather be cannibalistic or die in the wilderness? Okay so I’m gonna actually go kinda in-detail, so the squeamish be warned. Realistically, I think I’d choose to die. ESPECIALLY if I was the one expected to kill another person; then, there’s no question. I wouldn’t be able to do it either if I knew the person. If it was some stranger someone else killed and cooked, I don’t know with absolute certainty; starvation really can make animals out of people. I do know for sure I’d vomit. I far more heavily lean into still preferring to die, because I just believe some things aren’t worth living after they’ve been committed. I’d hate myself. I’d rather die feeling clean of conscience. Would you survive on a deserted island? Hell no. Have you dyed your hair eccentric colors in the past? Yeah, I want to do it far more often… What size drink do you usually get at fast food restaurants? Medium, sometimes small. What do you think is the best thing in life? Love, both platonic and romantic. Have you ever sold anything online either on Craigslist, eBay, Amazon, etc.? If not, what is your website of choice like any of the above for buying things? We sold our previous dog over Craigslist, and I sold my iguana there as well. I know Mom has used eBay and Amazon, but idk for what. Have you ever seen an animal give birth? Have you ever had a pet give birth before? I’ve seen old pet cats give birth many times. What is something you want to try to accomplish within the next year? I want a job that I’m content with and can mentally handle. Oh, and I REALLY want to make strong progress on recovering from the muscle atrophy in my legs. What’s the most unusual kind of pizza you’ve ever tried? I have no clue; I’m not that adventurous with pizza or food in general. If you were given the chance to decorate an entire house the way you wanted, with no limit to cost, how would you decorate it? GOTHIC AS A MOTHERFUCKER WELCOME TO THE GOTDAMN ADDAMS FAMILY. What’s one of your favorite things to touch/feel? My cat. :’) How often do you wear tights? Ew, never. Has there ever been anything you’ve become interested in much later than other people? I guess Instagram, but only as a viewer. I don’t have a personal one, just for my photography that I only rarely post. Have you ever had a veggie burger? Yeah, during my vegetarian streak. Burger King’s really aren’t that bad so long as the patty is made well. Do you like candles? Yeah, sure. When was the last time you wore a sports bra? Forever ago when I was doing Wii Fit. Where did you get the shirt you’re currently wearing? I think Hot Topic? It’s an oversized Umbreon shirt. Who last messaged you on Facebook? My friend Summer when we were planning our lil witch photoshoot w/ friends. Who last walked you home? lol you don’t just have someone “walk you home” here. Bundles of homes are way too far and in-between for reasonable walking distance. Did you make any new friends lately? If so, what are their names and how did you meet them? Not really recently, no. Would you rather see your favorite band/artist in concert with 2 other people or have a free $20,000 shopping spree to Walmart? Seeing Ozzy with my mom would be a DREAM, but to be realistic, I’d take the shopping spree pretty damn quickly. $20k? That would do WONDERS for us, especially as we’re about to move into a new place. When was the last time you threw up and why did you? A long time ago when I started a new medication. Do you want revenge on the person who has hurt you the most? … I’m gonna be REAL honest. For the most part, no. But ngl there are times I’m like “I’m gonna work on getting back in shape and become H O T” like a petty bitch lmao this is embarrassing to admit. Has anyone ever claimed that you saved their life? Yes. Did you ever have that near-drowning experience? No. Have you ever performed on stage? For dance, yes, but I never did a solo. Are you a jealous person? Not jealous (usually), but I’ve come to realize I’m a pretty envious piece of shit. Morning person or night person? I’m in my best mood in the morning because I have the “it’s a fresh start” ideology. Then I repeat exactly what I did the day before. :^) Have you ever written a poem for someone? Numerous times. Do you meditate? No, but I wish I could without it only causing more stress. Do you like cranberries that they serve for Thanksgiving? EW I hate cranberries. What don't you understand that frustrates you? Finances. Do you plan on going to college? I’ve tried college three times and dropped out each time. I’m done trying with school. Do you believe the governments hide technology and information from the public? AbsoFUCKINGlutely. Which is your favorite Pokemon? Ninetales! What horror fiction character scares you the most? What’s the name of the villain in the Scream series? Ghostface? I don’t feel like looking it up, but he TERRIFIED me as a kid, and I still think he’s mega creepy. Were you part of the Brownies/Cubs/Scouts/Guides etc? I was in Girl Scouts. Have you ever invented a fairly unique meal or drink? No. Do you have any family secrets? Don’t think so. Do you often read your horoscope? Never. They’re bullshit. Have you ever had a proper Tarot reading? No; also bullshit. Have you ever milked a cow? No. Do you love or hate rollercoasters? They’ve always scared me because I’m afraid of throwing up. Now with how dizzy I get, I absolutely refuse to try one because I WILL faint with all the movement. What’s your favorite sportswear brand? idc Who’s your favorite superhero? Does Deadpool count? Who’s your favorite villain/baddie? If we’re still in the comics/superhero universe, the Joker. Have you ever won a giant-sized cuddly toy from a fair? No. What would you say is your favorite album of all time? Black Rain by Ozzy Osbourne. I fucking adore it; it was my introduction to metal, and still after all this time, every track S L A P S. I deadass played that CD so much that it scratches at a few points. Do you dislike hairy people? lol fuck this question. I’m guessing you’re asking if I find them attractive and not as if people I “dislike” them, but in both cases, it’s no. We’re mammals, who the fuck cares how hairy you are. Do you like your own name? I actually do really like my name. My first one, anyway. Would you ever sign a Prenuptial agreement? NOPE. Want one? You’re gonna have to find someone else willing to, my man. How long has your longest ever phone call been? No less than two hours, but I know more. I have three instances in particular where I talked with either friends or Jason for SO long. Could you ever have an affair with a married person? Hell no. What is your family Christmas like? Nicole comes here so she and I open presents with Mom, then we spend the day at my older sister’s to be with the kids. We also try to squeeze visiting Dad in there the same day, but sometimes it has to be a different one. If you met a genie who offered you three wishes, what would you wish for? (more wishes does not count) Just three is hard… but #1 is indisputably world peace, and then uhhhh the end of poverty and maybe the cure for cancer. I’d have a super hard time picking a third; so many things matter to me. Have you ever had your national flag painted on your face? No, not in my plans. Do you have any strange body things? Well, define “strange,” I guess? Nothing like, really strange. What fairy tale character would you most associate with? Can I be Snow White and attract cute critters like moths to a flame? Also I would 100% take a Good apple. If a loved one was to serenade you, what song would you most like them to sing? It would depend on the person and our bond, really. Is there a cherished song between us? What is our relationship like? There’s no umbrella song I can think of. Is your dad an embarrassing dancer? GUYS!!!!!!!!!!! My sister’s wedding, okay? Father/daughter dance? He actually has MOVES and it was incredible man, never gonna forget that. What if any unusual objects have you swallowed? Nothing, I think. If you were stinking rich, would you only go to places other rich people went? Hell naw, man. There are plenty of great, affordable places in all categories. I could be a millionaire and you’d still see my ass in McDonald’s ordering a burger and fries lmao. Have you ever owned a slinky? My sisters and I had multiple as kids; those were d o p e. Teenage parents, good, bad, or indifferent? An AWFUL idea. A teenager is physically, most likely financially, and mentally unprepared to raise a child properly. It can seriously affect the kid, and of course the parent. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever broken? I’m unsure. Pirate downloads, good or bad? It’s bad… yet plenty (myself included) have/do do it. Democracy, good or bad? Good. It’s very important to me that rule should come from the people’s majority versus a small coalition of rich guys. While the majority is not always right, it seems like the best option to me. Communism, good or bad? Okay so to be totally honest I actually don’t entirely understand what communism outlines. Like I just read multiple definitions and small articles and I’m still kinda like “????”, though judging by the countries listed as those governed by communism, I would guess it’s bad? Have you ever been electrocuted? On an electric fence, but it wasn’t too bad. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender? Yeah. The war in Iraq, good or bad? Get the fuck out of it. To start with, I’m a pretty fierce pacifist, and just… killing and killing and killing for YEARS is so goddamn pointless and is just a massacre. The war in Afganistan, good or bad? jfc ^ Have you ever appeared on YouTube? LET’S NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS lmfao Have you ever eaten anything prepared by a celebrity chef? No,, but that’d be dope. Have you ever been on radio? No. Do you prefer male or female singers voices? ”Their gender doesn’t matter, but their talent does.” <<<< Do you have a list of things to do before your ‘x’ years old? Goals should not be judged by age. I’m bad at this and have to remind myself of it a lot. A goal is a goal regardless of a number. Celebrate for *you*. Are you proud, comfortable or ashamed of your body? Very very much ashamed. Do you know html? Super poorly. Have you ever flown first class? lol hunny What are better, violins or pianos? Violins. How old is your oldest blanket? As old as me. My baby blanket is stored somewhere. Do you take enough vacations? lol hell no. I’ve maybe gone on three vacations in my entire life. Have you ever been sick on your birthday? Yup. Then one time I was recovering from a wicked stomach virus but went to Olive Garden anyway lol. I was fine though, and it’s actually a sweet memory because Jason (he worked there at the time) got the staff to do the whole “happy birthday” thing. I got a bombin’ brownie. Who is your favorite person? Sara and my mom. What do you do to stay healthy? lol you assume I’m healthy. What is your favorite form of exercise? Swimming. Do you like going to church? I never did. As a kid, I would cry when/if Mom decided we were going to mass after Sunday school lmao. It’s always been boring and too long to me, even when I was religious. Have you ever fallen asleep during a sermon? Probably as a kid. Do you like to pray for others? No. I don’t believe anyone hears them or will intervene somehow if I ask anyway. Have you ever witnessed a miracle? No. I don’t think I believe in those anyway. Have you ever been the recipient of a miracle? Definitely not. How did you or whoever come up with the name(s) for your pet(s)? I thought “Roman” was a majestic name for a male cat, and Venus has the coloration that the planet does. Who did you last walk a dog with? Sara and I walked Buster the last time I was there. It was windy as SHIT so we didn’t get far because my ass was absolutely freezing, all the while Sara was used to it. Ride bikes with? Wow, good question. I haven’t ridden a bike in many, many years. Hold hands with? My friend Summer did yesterday when she was trying to reassure me of something. For what reason did you last high five someone? Ryder and Aubree each caught Pokemon in Pokemon GO. :’’’’) I was watching them in the car while my sister/their mom was doing something at work, and they wanted to play it; they’ve come to learn that between my phone and DS, I’m the Pokemon provider, lol. I was the proudest fucking aunt ever bc they did SO GOOD after getting the hang of throwing the ball like Y’ALL. When Ash came back to the car, I gave ‘em each high fives before getting back in. What color and type is your vehicle? Don’t have my own car. Looking to upgrade or add any time soon? I doubt I’ll have my own soon. What animal do you have the most possessions *of*, or featuring? Like, décor or stuffed animals, things like that? Not the actual living creature? Easily meerkats, holy shit do I have a collection. What do you use to wash your dishes? Gain soap. Last thing you measured? Uhhh idk. Last thing you weighed? Myself. Last song you danced to? *shrug* What do you remember from your dream last night? I just remember it was a nightmare about Dad being angry. How old were you when you got your first credit card? Lol I don’t have one. Do you talk to your parent(s) [almost] every day? Mom, yes. Dad, no, because we don’t live together. What does your shampoo and conditioner smell like? I just started using a Dove brand shampoo targeting dandruff, so I don’t think it has a specific smell. I don’t use conditioner, just adds grease to your hair, plus mine is short anyway. Last person to tell you that you smell good? Idk. Last person you told that they smell good? I also don’t know. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I’ve never touched it. Last person you ran into unexpectedly? Ummm idr. How many plants can you see right now? There’re none in my room. Last compliment you received on your appearance? HA On your character/personality? That I was a loving sister. Do you remain friends with anyone you met at your first job? N/A Who have you hugged in the past month? My mom, Summer, sisters, niece and nephew, Dad… Newest musical discovery? 3TEETH is great. Like, I'm obsessed. Their cover of “Pumped Up Kicks” snagged my attention, despite actually being iffy about it at first. Guess what I’m listening to this minute lmao. Last thing you cleaned? A cup. What exactly do you carry around all your stuff in? A purse. What do you carry around, typically? Phone, keys, wallet, hand sanitizer, and my iPod are items of note. Where is your newest scar? It’s on the palm of my left hand from Roman playing with me. Where is your oldest scar? Idk. Last thing you disposed of? The milk carton. What was the last picture someone sent you? Mom sent me a gif from Hocus Pocus to fit the witch photoshoot Summer, her friend, and I did. Did you hear a siren today? No. What do you typically drink? I would rather not pretend I tend to drink soda lmao Last bad news you heard? My aunt’s brother committed suicide a couple days ago. Last good news you heard? I don’t really know. How far away is the closest cinema from your house? It’s like, 15-ish minutes away. Have you ever been to the emergency room? Many times. Are you one of those people who can’t go without their morning coffee? Y’all know me and coffee. But in place, I have my morning Mountain Dew, rip in fucking pieces. Have you ever worn fake eyelashes? No, though I’m honestly curious what I’d look like. Do you know the story of how your parents met? If so, tell me? They were coworkers; that’s all I know. What is your favorite Chinese food? I love pork fried rice. Do you live far from your parents? I live with my Mom. I live around 20 minutes or so away from Dad. What was the last hot food you ate? I’m assuming you mean spicy as opposed to just hot as in temperature. In that case, probably hot wings. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. Describe your current position: I’m lying down in bed, just kinda perked up by my two pillows. Have you used a microwave today? Yes; I had a Jimmy Dean breakfast bowl. Do you prefer going out for coffee or brewing your own? N/A Have you consumed caffeine today? If so, in what form? yikes- Do you know anyone who follows a raw vegan diet and lifestyle? Not that I know of. Have you killed a bug this week? Yes; we’re dealing with a lovely mix of gnats and fleas. What was the first food you learned how to cook? Scrambled eggs. Or maybe pancakes with Mom’s assistance. Idr. Do you have a Bachelor’s degree? If so, what in? No. How many email accounts do you have? Two. Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? I like my mom to be with me. How long is your average shower? 15 minutes, maybe? It depends on the routine I feel like doing. When’s the last time you had a headache? Yesterday. What woke you up this morning? I think I woke up naturally? A rare occasion nowadays. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Summer, yesterday.

[purplesurveys]

1053

1. What did you do in 2020 that you'd never done before? Other than the obvious getting-a-job and other adulting stuff, 2020 was the year of my first cigarette, the first time I had to use eye drops, the first time I got sick for longer than a day, and the first time I tried my hand in embroidery.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t make any because I usually get tired of maintaining them after a few weeks. But idk, last night I had an idea that I want to try a new restaurant by myself every weekend in 2021. It’s very self-care-y which is what I need these days, and it’s definitely feasible now that I have my own money. Given my track record with resolutions I’m not expecting too much, but I still hope I’m able to hold out for as long as I can.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I know a co-worker became a mom this year, but I don’t consider myself close to her. We’re cool with each other, but that’s about it. Her baby is the cutest though.

4. Did anyone close to you die? One of my great-aunts passed away in April.

5. What countries did you visit? I stayed put here. It wasn’t like I could get on an airplane this year anyway. The Thailand and Vietnam trips are going to have to wait.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? Me back.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 10 (the start of the lockdown); August 2 (my university graduation); September 15 (the breakup and Angela’s birthday); November 9 (my first day as an employee).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Being able to be strong enough to stay.

9. What was your biggest failure? Self-harm, or blaming myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yeah I got a UTI early in the year, which gave me a week-long fever. I’ve also gotten hundreds of scratches and play bite marks from Cooper since we got him in June.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My embroidery kits! I bought them on a whim and seriously doubting if I’ll ever enjoy it given my previous hatred for anything sewing/knitting; but I’ve already done two templates and I just ordered two more to do during the holiday break. I haven’t gotten much for myself yet because my first paychecks coincide with Christmas lol, but once the gift-giving is out of the way I want to get myself games on the Nintendo Switch, Airpods, and candles.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Andrew has been incredibly supportive and patient, and has stuck by me through the whole year whether I was on top of the world, stressing out over our thesis, or in my inconsolable black hole of sadness. No clue where I’d be without them.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Gabie, at least by August. I don’t know anyone who consistently let me down in the last 12 months.

14. Where did most of your money go? Christmas gifts for others; for myself, Starbucks coffee and pastries.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Graduating college and sharing my graduation photo with everyone. I remember also having been super excited to work on my birthday gift for Gab, which was to make a short video for her using iMovie (which I had never touched before until then). I was the best fucking girlfriend. Also, getting Cooper!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2020? Not sure. Music wasn’t a big part of my life this year. Maybe Why We Ever by Hayley Williams? I put it on repeat too many times in 2020.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? A lot sadder.

ii. Thinner or fatter? Said sadness made me lose my appetite and a whole bunch of weight by the latter part of the year. All of my shorts and jeans have gotten loose around my waist, so I’ve definitely felt the weight loss.

iii. Richer or poorer? I’m richer now, but only because I didn’t have a job before and I do now. My family’s finances have taken a blow due to the pandemic, though. I try to help by chipping in for the electricity bill, and buying my family nice food every now and then. 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Love myself, appreciate myself, thank myself. All the self-love crap I didn’t think I deserve.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Tolerating bullshit I knew I didn’t deserve but kept going with anyway.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? We’ll be with my mom’s side on the 24th; having family come over to our place on the 25th; and will be going to my dad’s side on the 26th. Gonna be the most hectic three days ever and I’m PUMPED tbh lol. It’ll be the busiest we’ve been all year.

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2020? Meh, I just hated the times I made mistakes at work as I hate fucking up in general and looking bad in front of colleagues.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? I stayed in it.

23. How many one-night stands? No thanks.

24. What was your favorite TV program? The Crown was, until it got associated with painful memories and I had to put my viewing indefinitely on hold. My favorite show this year would be either Descendants of the Sun or Start Up; both are amazingly good.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don’t think so. I don’t throw that word around a lot anyway.

26. What was the best book you read? Bret Hart’s memoir was a fun read.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Beach House and Chase Atlantic. ALSO, Twice lolololol

28. What did you want and get? My first job.

29. What did you want and not get? Commitment from the one person I asked it from.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I didn’t watch a lot of movies this year. I actually think I just saw one?? which is really unlike me; but it wasn’t a big year for film anyway. I have yet to see Ammonite, which I already think I’ll love.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 22 and I just stayed at home with family while my best friend and her boyfriend sent over sushi for me.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I got to keep my relationship, which I thought had been faring well until she abruptly pulled the plug on everything.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? Casual and didn’t really evolve too much considering I didn’t go out a lot.

34. What kept you sane? Good Mythical Morning. I owe my life to them. And embroidery.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I didn’t develop a crush on him until this month lmaaaaaaao but Kim Seon Ho is so so so so so dreamy.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? The shutdown of ABS-CBN early in the year and the US elections.

37. Who did you miss? My friends in my org.

38. Who was the best new person you met? The people at my workplace that I ended up having a great rapport with.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: From a tweet I retweeted: “You keep bad people around you and make excuses for their behavior because if you decided to hold even one person accountable, you’d have to recognize the offenses you’ve ignored and accepted. You’ll realize how much you’ve invalidated your own pain to ensure the comfort of others.” It was a harsh slap in the face, but I needed to hear it.

[kayejwrotes]

On the beauty of having your life messed up

So, as I’ve mentioned, today - April 1st - is sort of a big day for me.

I swear this is not a joke. It’s going to be a post about having your life wrecked and getting back on your feet. Which means is gonna be a little sad before it gets better, but I encourage you to keep on reading.

Basically, this post begins a year ago.

On April 1st, 2019 I was urgently hospitalized after a little more than a month of ongoing back problems. The TLDR version of this is that I had being amazingly misdiagnosed and for this exact reason I come this close - please, imagine my hands gesturing here - to dying because of a pulmonary embolism at 26 years old. My life, as I had planned it to that moment, was abruptly put on hold until I could get better. All the plans, all the goals I had for the future, had to wait. It wasn’t something I could control, in fact, I could nothing about it. I just had to wait until I could resume from where I had to stop.

You can skip here, if you don’t want to read my whole story. Just head to the next sentence in italics and bold.

During both February and March, I experienced a lot of painful backaches of every sort. The kind the left you winded when you tried laughing and didn’t let you walk normally. The thing started when one Sunday afternoon I felt an incredible pain starting from my legs to my lower back as I put on my jeans and suddenly I wasn’t able to stand on my feet. I panicked, called my boyfriend downstairs crying in pain. Every movement, every intake of air was painful. He took me into the ER of the hospital near him (we live like 40 kms apart, so it wasn’t even close to my home). There I got diagnosed with a simple backache and even though it was so painful I could barely stand on my own they sent me home with prescriptions for anti-inflammatory and anti-dolorifics injections.

I got home, rested, did the injections - that gave me awful hard bumps under my skin that lasted forever (it took almost a year for them to disappear) - and a little less than two weeks after I was at my family doctor’s office to get checked for a back ache once again. This time, it was a little bit higher. Let’s say, right below the last ribs of the ribcage. I repeated the treatment. Got better. Got worse once again.

The morning of April 1st, I was fed up with all of that and the only thing I wanted was to be okay. So I woke up, washed, and went to my doctor which is a 10 min of walk from my flat. When i got there I was winded, tired as if I had run the Boston Marathon with no preparation - I hate running, so it’s not that difficult to imagine - and I was the colour of a washed out rag.

My doctor wasn’t there, but given my condition, another kind doctor visited me and promptly suggested I get checked at the hospital. I couldn’t breath properly and driving in that state wasn’t an option. I called my mum and as she panicked without me noticing, she took me to the ER. They visited me, checked me inside out - I discovered the joys of knowing how weird a tomography with contrast method feels like - and after that a very burly nurse told me candidly: “So, how many days are you gonna be with us?” In quick succession I got: an IV, multiple injections of eparine, a bed in the ER, and I was stripped and washed like a baby by a guy that was probably the same age as myself. It was the most embarrassing experience and I desperately begged to let me wash by myself, let me go to the toilet by myself. When I was told that for no reason I was to get up from the bed because otherwise I could jostle a serious clot of blood in my lungs, that’s the moment I was told I’d probably come this close to dying. I felt like a ticking time bomb, and not in the sexy sense.

The next 8 days went like that. I was moved to the ward, checked and washed and fed. Rinse and repeat.

I actually have to thank all the nurses, doctors and people that helped me in those days and treated me like a human being and not just a patient. They saved my life and made me still feel like a person, despite all the things I couldn’t suddenly do.

When I got discharged from the hospital, I thought I’d recover quickly. I’m young, I kept telling myself, A few weeks and I’ll be okay. Wrong. It took me two weeks before I was able to get a shower all by myself. It took me three months before I could walk more than ten minutes without being out of breath.

I still can’t do more than a flight of stairs without feeling winded and let’s not talk about other movements beside walking. I’ll start physical rehabilitation as soon as the shutdown in Italy for COVID-19 will be lifted, hopefully just a few weeks more of waiting.

(Psst! You can start reading from here if you skipped all the above!)

But I got better. I will get better. During this year, I’ve learned a few useful things and I wanna share my newfound, very personal, knowledge with you all.

- Positivity is the key

You gotta be positive. If you are in a bad situation, no matter what it is, looking at it from a dark point of view will not help you at all. I spent weeks getting frustrated over all the things I couldn’t do, without considering the fact that I was up and out of bed alone was a great conquest by itself. I shouldn’t have been able to walk and breath, and yet there I was!

That of course doesn’t mean you should be happy for everything and anything, just... appreciate what you can do, instead of what you can not. It isn’t a given most of the time. Think “At least I can do this” instead of “I can’t do anything at all”. For me, what I could do was breathing, being alive and still seeing my loved ones. Sometimes, the thing you can do can be as basic as those.

- Accept the fact that there will be drawbacks

Of course, there’s no way one can have a positive mindset 24/7. There are moments when you feel down, when you feel like nothing goes the right way. For me it was frustration and powerlessness. I was in a state in which I couldn’t do any normal thing a 26 year old can, nor I could change my situation. I simply had to wait for the meds to do their job and just recover. Slowly. There’s nothing you can do about situation like these. For me it was recovering, but it can be whatever in your life. Not everything will go the way you want to, and some times there’s nothing you can do about it. You just have to accept the fact that some times you’ll be powerless. Worrying and stressing about it won’t help at all. You just have to wait it out. It’s just one bump along the road, not the thing that will stop you from getting wherever you want.

- Choose your fight wisely You can’t fight every battle. Some days you have to choose. If you were preparing yourself for something big and for whatever reason (i.e.: overwhelming, no strength, no attention etc.) you don’t have the energies right now, divide your big task in smaller tasks. For me, it meant at first choosing between getting a shower and cooking for myself. One big task a day. It’s like fighting a great opponent. First, you have to fight all the minions, build up your stamina, update your weapons, learn new moves. Only then, you can attempt fighting the big boss. With time, I was able to build up my strength and weapons to fight multiple opponents at once.

- Do not give up

If this is just a bump in the road, do not give up. Do not wallow in despair (point 1, positivity), do not abandon your goals because right now you can’t pursue them. There’s surely something you can do to work toward them, even if you can’t work as you might have wanted to for them right now. It will take longer, but you’ll get there. Just... don’t give up. Because, all the work you’ve done before won’t be useless because you can’t do what you planned now. You’ll just have to wait a little more, and in the meantime, you can try working through some smaller goals. In the end, this time spent on something else, will come in handy.

And that’s it! It’s probably nothing special, but that’s what I learned this year. I went through a lot, and I’ll still have more fight in front of myself, but keeping this mindset helped and hopefully it could help some of you too.

Thank you for reading my journey!

[miraculous-ladybec]

Strong Girl Bong-Soon AU

In which Marinette, as Ladybug, is hired to protect Adrien with her superpowers.

Being the son of a world famous fashion designer was tough enough, but becomes dangerous when cryptic letters arrive at the Agreste mansion threatening Adrien’s life if his father doesn’t comply with their wishes.

Even though he hates to, Gabe figures hiring the local superheroine was his best bet at keeping his only family left alive. Plus maybe an opportunity to learn her identity for Hawkmoth purposes.

Adrien already has a huge crush on Ladybug so he’s more than okay with having a personal bodyguard for once

Marinette agrees, of course, because she “must protect all parisians”, at least that’s what she tells Tikki. We all know she wants more time with Adrien, and keeping him safe is top priority.

Adrien is allowed to be at school without protection because he’s in public and under the surveillance of his teachers and school security, so he has time to talk to Nino about how excited he is to see Ladybug all the time now (at least, more than he sees her as Chat)

Marinette figures this is a good way to learn more about her crush, even though she’ll have to be careful not to reveal too much about herself

She tells her parents she’s gotten an after-school job babysitting for one of her teachers for the next few weeks, in hopes that the authorities will find the people who are threatening Adrien by then

She goes after school to the Agreste Manor where the place is practically on lockdown mode. Adrien isn’t allowed to do photo shoots for the time being, and he’s definitely not allowed out of his father, Nathalie, or Ladybug’s sight.

She and Adrien are left alone in his room since Gabriel is always working, and he doesn’t handle stress very well (clearly)

At first, both parties are super awkward and giggly with each other. Mari is a little more confident behind her mask, but still blushes fervently if Adrien even looks at her for too long.

They find they can pass the time by playing through all of the games Adrien has in his arcade of a bedroom. Some of them multiplayer, some of them not. When they play single player games, they make a combination of their names for the playable character to be called. They trade off control while munching on snacks and making strategies in game.

Once Marinette calms down around him, she learns that Adrien has a lot of dorky interests that she finds rather endearing. She browses his collection of Shojo Manga and they even watch some anime together.

Of course, Adrien has to be careful not to make too many jokes or be flirty with his Bug. He can’t have her figuring out that he’s Chat Noir, and she’d be furious if she learned she was hired to protect someone who truly could protect himself.

The days go by and no more suspicious notes are left by the manor, so Adrien is cleared to go back to photoshoots, so long as Ladybug goes with him to keep watch. Luckily during this time, there haven’t been many Akuma attacks

Marinette doesnt complain about being toted along on photoshoots because she could watch Adrien all day, and she’s also super interested in seeing all of the designs being modeled.

The photographer instantly notices how “Senior Adrien is looking exceptionally happy these days” to which Adrien blushes, knowing full well that he shouldn’t be enjoying having a full time private bodyguard so much, given the circumstances

But honestly, he’s just happy that for the first time since his mother passed, he can come home and know he’ll have someone to talk to and spend time with who will smile genuinely around him and listen to his problems

Marinette notices Adrien looking happier in class and can’t help but hope she’s the reason why

That day after school, Marinette rushes to the manor to find Adrien asleep on his bed when she gets there. She sits on the edge of his bed with a manga to read, while she watches over him, but he reaches out in his slumber and pulls her over to him.

Blushinette

Mari let’s him spoon her while he naps and she finds herself drifting off being smothered by the smell of his sheets and cologne around her

ALARMS

There’s a break in at the manor, the power has been shut down internally.

Both teens wake up at once, not having enough time to process the position they had both been in, before Mari is in protect mode.

She curses under her breath about not having night vision like Chat, but Adrien supplies his cell phone flashlight

Full emergency shutdown goes into effect and all of the manor doors lock automatically with the backup generator, locking Ladybug and Adrien in his room, and hopefully anyone else out.

Ladybug decides it’d be safer for Adrien, and everyone else, to try to evacuate the manor and let the authorities swarm in to catch the intruders.

She uses her lucky charm to bust open Adrien’s bathroom window, and carries him bridal style to the safest place she can think of on the spot, her family’s bakery where he can hide in the back.

(Mari quickly detransforms and recharges Tikki)

She goes back to get Gabriel and Nathalie to find the perpetrator tearing apart Adrien’s room

“Looking for something?” Sassinette

She apprehends the intruder rather easily, since she’s used to fighting superpowered Akuma victims, and goes into full interrogation mode

She manages to learn that it’s an underground mafia trying to scam Gabriel out of money, by threatening at first, but that this mission was to actually capture and try to ransom Adrien off.

And she’d played right into their hands

In the case that she left with him, several men were waiting outside to follow her to wherever she hid Adrien, and they found him right where she left him

Of course her parents tried to protect the boy, but backed down when faced with real weapons

She hands the scumbag over to the authorities, now in full rage mode. If there’s anything Marinette hates more than liars, it’s people who put her friends and family in danger.

She steals the guys phone and manages to track it back to the headquarters of the mob, finding that they’d prepared for her to possibly come, but not expecting the level of ferocity to come out of such a usually peaceful heroine

Ladybug hands their asses to them for touching Adrien and even THINKING about harming her parents, and leaves them all bloodied on the floor when she calls the cops to come get them

Adrien is beaten up slightly from fighting back against them to the best of his abilities. He’s strong for a young teen, especially with his fencing training, but he’s no match for multiple full grown men with guns.

Ladybug takes him to the hospital to be checked over, he took a knife to the gut at one point in his struggle and she can’t help but feel like it’s all her fault, letting maybe a little too much Marinette show through while she kneels next to his hospital bed crying. Assuming he’s asleep, she detransforms to let Tikki rest after all the fighting.

He’s not asleep

She quickly passes out in the chair next to his bed

Of course Adrien is really injured, but it’s not nearly as bad as she perceived it to be. It’s not a deep cut, and it didn’t puncture any organs. He bled out a little and needed stitches, but it’s definitely not life threatening.

He suddenly finds it so easy to connect the dots between his lady and his princess now that he knows the two are the same.

Plagg makes an appearance finally to say “I told you so” as Adrien realizes he’s had feelings for his classmate and friend all along, pushing them down to maintain his love for Ladybug. But now that he knows they’re the same, he’s never letting her go again, so long as she wants him too.

He eventually doses off and has sweet dreams where Ladybug and Marinette are interchangeable in the most romantic of settings

Mari wakes up around 4 am and transforms back, heading home, unaware that Adrien discovered her secret.

The news the next morning show that Ladybug uncovered a major terrorist group that was behind all of the mob violence and the threatening of local celebrities and politicians

Mari feels awful and decides to fake sick to stay in bed, she manages to turn into ladybug around 3 pm to go to the hospital to see Adrien.

He’d actually been sent home that morning, so she swings by the manor where Mr. Agreste thanks her for her help and let’s her know she can go since it’s all been taken care of. She sees Adrien and that he’s doing fine and feels much better learning he’ll be able to return to school the next day provided that he doesn’t develop any symptoms around his injury.

Mari goes home, unable to sleep, she stays up making a new shirt for Adrien since “his old one must have a hole in it now”

This new shirt is a very soft sky blue material with a chest pocket with his initials embroidered on the inside. She stitches her signature on the internal hemline of the shirt after adding some final tweaks to make sure the striping across the chest is the same as his old shirt was.

She finally passes out with three hours left before class

Marinette wakes up late again and runs to school with her present for Adrien in hand

Just as predicted, he’s in his seat when she gets there. His eyes are glued to her from the moment she trips through the door.

He even tries to bolt from his chair to catch her, but the pain in his abdomen keeps him from getting up completely.

Mari waits until everyone has asked Adrien how he’s doing at lunch before approaching him with her gift.

She stutters way less than usual given that she’s spent the better part of two weeks getting to know him more

He opens the gift and starts tearing up at how thoughtful this girl is and “when did she have the time to do this?”

Unable to control himself, Adrien pulls a very stunned Marinette into a hug and whispers “How did I get so lucky as to have an angel like you in my life?”

Later at patrol, Chat decides he’s going to reveal himself to LB

They’re sitting on a roof together when he tells her how much he admired what she did to take down that mob group by herself and that he wishes he could have helped

She jokes about how he really should have been there to help, but she managed on her own

He gets serious, then tells her how much he appreciates what she does

LB brushes it off since it’s “Chat flattery”

But he looks her dead in the eyes, holds her hands and finally

FINALLY

Detransforms

“Do you get it now? Everything you did for me is more than I could have asked. You risked so much for me and singlehandedly saved my life.”

She’s stunned

“I love you, Marinette.”

She’s MORE stunned

“I-I love you too, Adrien.”

“BUT IF YOU EVER PUT YOURSELF IN HARMS WAY AGAIN WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU’RE CHAT NOIR FIRST—“

[truthbeetoldmedia]

The Bold Type 3x02 "Plus It Up"

Hello friends, and welcome to the second episode of the current season of The Bold Type. While last week fell a bit flat, I’m happy to say that this episode hit every mark. It was funny, heartwarming, meaningful, and as always, well acted.

Employee of the Month

Now, Sutton’s portion of this episode was the least gripping, but heartwarming nonetheless. Oliver has some uncharacteristic absences from work, both worrying Sutton and causing her to put in more time for the magazine. Oliver isn’t sharing what has him missing work and snapping at Sutton, which worries her.

To complicate things, she’s also struggling with sharing these things with Richard. On one hand, he’s her boyfriend, so of course she wants to discuss what’s happening at work and why she’s having to stay late. On the other, she can’t forget that Richard is also part of HR. She can’t exactly vent about Oliver without revealing he’s been missing work, so she’s forced into silence.

While handling this crisis at work, Sutton also has her new move to deal with. The change from her apartment with Jane to Richard’s penthouse is pretty stark. Living in a super nice New York City penthouse isn’t what makes her uncomfortable, it’s the “perks” that come with it. Richard has a housekeeper that does his laundry (really), which is something Sutton isn’t here for.

Sutton is super relatable when discussing this uncomfortable situation with Kat and Jane. While Kat also grew up with a housekeeper and Jane admits that having one herself is something she would want if she’s successful enough, Sutton quips that not only has she never had one, but she almost WAS one herself.

(She also reveals she didn’t get the job because she failed the drug test. Never change, Sutton)

I have to admit, I’m team Sutton here. I don’t care what other people choose to do, but I would never be comfortable having a housekeeper, ESPECIALLY one that does my laundry. My mom cleaned houses when I was a kid, and I did the same for a little bit in college. I really can’t imagine hiring one myself.

Essentially, Sutton is doing two jobs at once while having exactly no time to do her laundry. Honestly, who among us. (Later on Richard ends up doing Sutton’s laundry for her, bragging that even though he had a maid as a kid he still knows how. Congrats I guess?)

Sutton does find out that the reason for Oliver’s absence is actually really heartwarming. Apparently, Oliver’s ex-boyfriend had something of a drug problem before they were together and has relapsed after thier break up. The issue is that this ex has a daughter, to whom Oliver was essentially a step-dad, and she’s now in danger of being sent to a group home since there is no one to take her. Oliver is in the midst of applying to be her legal guardian to prevent this from happening.

Not only is this super sweet, it’s an important conversation to have. As Oliver mentioned, it’s not exactly easy for a gay Black man to adopt a child. As someone who happens to work for a group home, I’m really happy that The Bold Type is approaching this subject. Here’s to hoping that they go into depth with this and don’t just leave it as a side story.

Write it Out

This episode we see Jane begin her fertility treatments, the first step in the process of freezing her eggs. The whole thing is pretty daunting: she needs to inject her medicine every day at the exact same time, visit the doctor every other day, and stay away from alcohol, carbs, and sex for 10 days.

The irony is that none of those things bother Jane too much, especially when compared to her anxiety about sharing this process with Pinstripe. After all, she tried the same thing with Ben in season two: introducing the added stress of the egg freezing process (and Ben’s not at all helpful response) is essentially what drove them apart. She’s more than happy to do all these things on her own, but our new resident Terrible Dude ruins her plan.

Patrick, said Terrible Dude, decides that it would be a great idea for Jane and Pinstripe to write an article on the process together. They’re both writers, they’re dating, and they can offer two unique views on the process. Great idea, right?

Jane definitely doesn't think so. Throughout the episode we see her anxiety at not wanting to share this process with Pinstripe, worried that this will disrupt the happiness that they’ve settled into in thier relationship. She doesn’t want to make things “heavy.” Pinstripe interprets this as Jane not wanting to open up to him, so the disruption that Jane predicted becomes a reality.

Because this is The Bold Type, the negativity doesn't stay for long. Jane realizes that Pinstripe isn’t Ben, and his willingness to support her outweighs her worry.

However, I’m afraid that they’re glossing over a pretty problematic point (say that ten times fast) of Jane’s arc this episode, which is Patrick’s complete disregard for Jane’s feelings and privacy. As a man, Patrick has no idea of the physical, emotional, and mental stress that Jane is dealing with. He completely ignores her when she’s clear about not wanting to write the article with Pinstripe. Jane’s right to discuss her own body and her own medical journey isn’t a thought. Sure, she was willing to write an article on her own, but doing so ensures that she writes it on her own terms. The article and her relationship with Pinstripe worked out in the end, but Patrick’s disregard for Jane the person at the expense of Jane the writer wasn’t lost on me.

We saw the same behavior from Patrick last week as well - he all but forced Kat to use her Blackness and her Queerness to lift up Scarlet. Now, Kat doing that is not the issue, but her choice of when and how to do so was taken away.

Patrick is also pretty rude to Jacqueline this episode - he’s insulted when he realizes that both he and Jacqueline are gunning to interview Cardi B, claiming that he needs to “up his game” since he feels that he is more on top of things than Jacqueline is. He also talks down to her later, over explaining what Rupaul’s Drag Race is with the assumption that Jacqueline is a little too out of touch to be familiar.

We do see Jacqueline put Patrick in his place later on by bringing Sasha Valor of Rupaul fame to Kat’s Queer Prom, revealing that her and Sasha are great friends and that she’s been her long time supporter. Melora Hardin deserves an Oscar for the look she gives him when he realizes that he’s underestimated her.

Raising Some Hell  

Before I start, I need to mention how good Kat (Aisha Dee) looks in this episode. Her dress? Her hair? She’s a gift.

Kat’s journey this episode is by far my favorite. She’s back to being proactive and ballsy, throwing everything she has at a Queer Prom fundraiser for a local Lesbian bar that’s in danger of shutting down. She also discovers the reason for the shutdown; the neighborhood is looking to gentrify, and that means pushing out businesses like the aforementioned Lesbian bar. Apparently there were some fines that were brought up from many years ago that the bar wasn’t aware of, and combined with late fees they need to pay over $42,000 or close.  

Here’s a definition for gentrification, just to put this into perspective:

“The process of repairing and rebuilding homes and businesses in a deteriorating area (such as an urban neighborhood) accompanied by an influx of middle-class or affluent people and that often results in the displacement of earlier, usually poorer residents.”

It’s the displacement aspect that we’re paying attention to here. The bottom line is that the influx of wealthy white people would rather live next to a Lululemon than a Lesbian bar, and by design gentrification seeks to clear neighborhoods of People of Color, Queer folks, and anyone who happens to be poor. I suggest reading a bit about this, so you should check out articles like Examining the Negative Impacts of Gentrification and 7 Reasons Why Gentrification Hurts Communities of Color.

Also, just a fun reminder that neighborhoods can and should be improved FOR the people that currently live there.

Before Kat thought of throwing a Queer Prom, she met with the local councilman to discuss options. She discovers that he’s written the bar off as a lost cause, telling Kat that unfortunately there is no way to get around paying the fine. He would love more than anything to save the bar for his constituents, but it’s just not possible.

Turns out, that councilman doesn’t actually care about the bar or his constituents. Shocker, I know. He shows up to the Queer Prom for some photos, and while talking to Kat he lets slip that the new condos they’re putting in when the bar closes wouldn’t be so bad afterall. She calls him out for attending the event and using it as a photo op to prop up the illusion that he actually cares about his neighborhood, which was amazingly satisfying to watch. During the end of the episode we see Kat searching up and coming female candidates for office, in what I hope is a bit of foreshadowing.

I’m super happy with this episode. It was uplifting, entertaining, and well executed. I can’t wait for next week!

The Bold Type airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Freeform.

Alyssa’s episode rating: 🐝🐝🐝🐝

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever seen a leech in person? Gah, nooo.

What's the last rebellious thing you done? Uhhh, I don't know. I'm not the most rebellious type of person.

What's the most important lesson you've learned in the past year? You would think it would be not to ignore or neglect things and take better care of myself before shit gets really bad, which yes, I have been making some changes, but for some things it's a lesson learned a little too late and has caused major setbacks. There's also things I should/could be doing but aren't because I just can't seem to get my shit together. It's a real struggle right now to say the least. I can't seem to do enough. It's scary.

Do you own any tiny versions of larger things? Yeah. I love that kind of stuff, it's so cute.

What are 2 things you'd tell your child self that you wish you would've known then? Just take care of yourself. A lot of things could have easily been done to prevent some of what led up to this. I was just negligent and stubborn and lazy. I thought I could ignore some things and they'd just go away or that they weren't that important and I'd be fine.

Did you used to play hopscotch? No.

Have you ever seen a musician live? Yeah, I've been to a few concerts.

What's the first letter of your best friends name? Y.

Do you have anything monogrammed? Yes.

Did you sleep well last night? I never do. That would be nice, though.

Do you ever remember your dreams? Very rarely.

When is the last time you checked your mail? I'm not the one who gets the mail, one of my parents or my brother takes care of that. Anyway, the last time I received something in the mail was a couple days ago.

Do you have strong opinions about religion? Yes.

Are there any popular dance moves you are good at? Ha, no. I can't dance.

Have you ever seen a flash mob in person? No, but that is something I'd like to see some time.

Do you ever attend protests? No.

Have you ever struggled with acne? Yeah, during high school and a bit during my first few years of college. It kinda just sizzled out, thankfully, and now I get like a couple here and there once in awhile.

Did you enjoy High School Musical when it was a thing? Yes.

What's the last thing you threw away? Food wrappers.

Do you enjoy staying in hotels? I love it.

Have you ever ran down a hotel hallway? Yes. That was back when I had energy and strength to do that.

Have you ever shot a gun? Once. I went to a shooting range with some friends several years ago and gave it a try.

Are you from the south region of your country? I'm on the west coast.

What color is the shirt you wear most often? In general, majority of my clothes are black.

Do you enjoy going on walks? No.

Do you know anyone who has a crush on you? Haaaa. No.

When was the last time you rode a carnival ride or roller coaster? During our Disneyland trip back in February 2020. It was just a couple weeks before the world shutdown and everything changed.

What's your favorite shade of green? I like various shades of green.

Do you have any outdoor allergies? I do.

What did you last break? I don't recall.

Have you ever joined a moshpit? Nooo. Nothing about a mosh pit sounds like a good idea for me.

Do you consider yourself to be old-fashioned? In some ways, yes.

What cover do you think is better than the original song? Hmm.

Would you ever like to learn belly dancing? No.

How is your day going? It's only 3:35AM, but today is doctor appointment day and right now with how things are going these days just brings added stress, depression, and anxiety. Why do I need to go again? I already know what will be said, which is the same thing as the past few weeks. I need to muster up the energy for that? Nah, I'd like to just stay home. Sigh.

Are there words you struggle pronouncing? Yeah.

What's one of your favorite memories related to an animal? Memories with my doggos growing up and currently. My little Leia has been extra sweet during this time. She's been spending more time in my room with me. It's also a bit worrisome because dogs sense things, so my anxiety-ridden self can't help but think like, "are you just being loving and comforting or do you know something I don't? …."

How many people have you been around today? So far, I've just been around my mom. Later on I'll be around her, my dad, my brother, my doctor, my nurse, likely a couple people in the waiting room, and people at the store if I feel up to going.

Do you suffer from any mental illnesses? Yes.

Have you ever had to have a tooth cut out? I've had teeth pulled, yes.

[nic-cav-80]

So Far, Between the Fantasy and Fiction Section...

What is the difference between the fantasy and fiction sections? One is an escape and one is just not real. At least that is my understanding, simply speaking.

So far, the need for escape and seeing fiction in the daily news, media, people, visuals, you name it, are everywhere. The noise has become so white it is lulling me to a restless, static state of mind. I’ve been held to the most dangerous game it seems. A manipulative and mindfully mastered game in which I was constantly in fear, paranoia, and speculation. Reminds me of that Twilight Zone episode where the power went out in A Small Town and everyone turned on each other thinking their neighbors were from an alien planet. It ended tragically because humans are tragic. We just are, and I think in some sense that is to be expected.

However, just as we are tragic, we are fun, witty, smart, kind, and protective. We grow. The noise will cease as those who yell eventually learn and grow. Or just fade away.

What noise am I referring to? OH, you know what I am talking about. No mask, or mask. No shot or pro-prick. Pro-President or not. I wish those topics were not the primary criteria for how someone interacts with another. Perhaps this went on in the 60s during wartime. I know it happened in the 90s and again in the early 00s during wartime. This time it’s so glamorized and so toxic.

During the 2020 pandemic shutdown, I headed toward a fantasy of creating and free time. I had an odd experience versus what I had heard from others. I still had my job and it skyrocketed. It left me defeated and depleted. I was home with my LO all day every day. I also had to homeschool her. That left me defeated as well. I wasn’t able to see family and I was fearing for lives close to me. The extremities of this lifestyle were and are strange to me and I knew something was off - but fear controlled me to the point of tears only three times that year. I can even anchor those timelines: I cried out of fear of what was going on and I could potentially lose my LO as she is high risk. I cried to my mother on the phone due to sheer defeat when medical providers in the NYC area aka the pandemic epicenter were telling me about their “failures” of keeping folks alive. I also cried later that year due to burnout and depression from the work I had been doing, or, trying to do. Providing therapy, or care to those in crisis, when you yourself are in crisis, is like feeding birds scraps of bread you’ve saved for yourself.

I wasn’t sure what was fiction or what was “my” reality here. I felt like I attempted to thrive with my own practice, a high caseload, and being a SAHM/WAHM. Of course, my time with LO was and still is priceless. I learned though, that the stress of being a business owner was not only a heavy one but an interesting one. I felt like I was in constant learning and a panic mode of trying to figure myself out in this field. Finally, after feeling a little settled on what I was doing, I learned that the noise was questioning the very field I was working so hard in. And that the ones throwing mental health around like it was a missing sock, had me defending it.

Mental Health is such a delicate topic and place to be. It is so precious and deserves the positive attention and investment it gets. So far, it holds this trendy, crutch-like purpose. It runs the line of reasons on why one should take a day off, a weekend off, time away from work, family, school, etc. As it should! Your MH should always be prioritized. A break is a break. However, are folks getting the true help they need? Many don’t. They cry wolf and laugh. OR, they plead they are having a bad day/month/week/etc. and will not plead HOW they are fixing it. What’s the solution? Medication? Therapy? Reading? Depending on the need, professional help is always the best default. Things can get ruled out, conversations had and energy uplifted.

Let me provide some of my own non-fiction to you of what I have done in order to prioritize my mental health. It may not be the same for others, but it’s helped me.

I have a therapist. I see him once/twice a month, depending.

I have taken medications in the past for anxiety, particularly around my monthly cycle. It was hard to function and focus, and not feel myself at those times.

I have a close friend with whom I speak whenever I am having an off moment, time or day.

I move. Run, walk, go to the local YMCAs.

I try like hell to make healthy choices when eating. Not all the time, but for the most part, I do.

I pay very close attention to the people in my life who make things uncomfortable or happy.

To stabilize my stress as a business owner and therapist, I have shifted to going back to working full time outside of the home. I am not sure why there has been pushback to this “outdated” way of living but it’s worked for me in the past and it’s less stress. I am all about decreasing my stress. Working at home depressed me and I cannot go back to that. It wasn’t as if I were unstable, because I was. I just don’t like the feeling of knowing I am home alone, in my domestic bliss, with the world going on without me actively in it.

I’m not sure this short entry provided much guidance. It is where I am at with many things though.

[velvetroom--imagines]

Can I request a thing where s/o is relatively new on a job at a food place (You an choose depending on which character) and they're really nervous but the phantom thieves and Akechi Maybe Mishima (You can choose who or how many all I ask is Akira is one of them) and they just have an asshole of a customer making a fuss for no good reason

Thank you for requesting!

Rude Customer

Akira Kurusu

At first, you were looking for a aprt time job. It was time when you decided to try and find a job to save up. Akira blinked before pointing to the door behind him. “What about Leblanc?” He suggested.

Thankfully, Sojiro thought you were a nice girl and a good influence on Akira. Knowing Akira wouldn’t put an idiot in board, he agreed and let you work with Akira on some nights. 

It wasn’t bad during the nights. Most of the time, you’d be serving that elderly couple who liked to drop in on a regular basis, or that tired office worker who needs that extra boost. Akira would always help you out of you needed help though.

It was on one night when a man came in. Nothing bad had happened, he had only asked for a cup of coffee. You served him with little conversation, but it gets weird. He becomes chatty, complimenting you and asking personal questions like your name and age. 

Once the bill comes, he looks at you with a sly smile. “Instead of a tip, would you like to go on a date?” It was clear that the guy was years older than you, and the ring on his finger was another red flag. You shook your head.

“No thank you. Will you please pay the bill?” You ask in a the sweetest tone you can manage. However, he continued to ask. “Sweetheart, it’s not too much to ask. Don’t you want to see what it’s like to be with a man?”

His advances were getting out of hand, and you decided to speak up for yourself. “Sir, please leave. This isn’t funny.”

“You know you want it, why don’t you just--”

“Why don’t you just leave her alone?” A new voice speaks up, coming from behind you. Tilting your head upwards, you saw Akira towering over you like a guard. His glasses glinted in the light, while his gaze was overpowering.

All that time watching horror movies and visiting Dr. Takemi seemed to have paid off his guts, at least.

Threatened by the boy behind you, the man scowled and threw dollar bills onto the table in annoyance. Standing up from his seat, he exited the cafe. Once he had disappeared from view, you looked at Akira in wonder.

“You didn’t have to do that for me...” You said quietly, slipping your hand into his. He simply shrugged and gave you a small smile. “Don’t mention it. I’m not into sharing my girlfriend anyways.”

From afar, you could see Sojiro wiping a tear of joy away from his eye. He was just too proud of his boy.

Ryuji Sakomoto

When you told Ryuji that you got a job at a nice little tea house, he had no problems with it. No one goes there but the elderly and it was a family friendly place, what could go wrong?

You suggested him to go and study there, it’s a quiet place where his mind can be put to peace. After multiple attempts of failed study hours, he decided to go along with your suggestion.

You happily greet him by the door, guiding him along to a table. You weren’t kidding when you said the place was calming and peaceful. After telling him to stop flirting with you, he got to work and began to read.

“Please stop it...” “C’mon, just a little peak!” Ryuji’s ears twitched in confusion, eyes glancing towards the side to see you glaring at customer. He looked posh, probably from an upper class family.

You turned around with the intentions of leaving, you were pulled back by the man. “You think you can get away, huh?” Running his hands through your exposed arm, the man grinned with amusement, knowing very well that you were uncomfortable. 

Before you knew it, a flash of gold hair came into view and the hand that latched onto your wrist had let you go. “What a disgusting bastard.” 

Ryuji stood betwen you and the man, eyes flaring with fury. The man hissed, a hand resting on his nose. The delinquent had left a painful blow on his face, along with the nosebleed that would soon follow. “What do you think you’re doing? Hiding behind a thug, huh?!”

“What’s your problem?!” Ryuji growled out, his voice growing louder. The man grins at him before locking eyes in with you. “You think you can get away with this? Did you forget that I’m the owner’s son? I’ll have you fired for this!” 

Angrier than before, Ryuji recalled the multiple times he had been taken advantage of by Kamoshida. He remembers how he had to bow down to that guy, all to save himself from getting expelled. 

And then he remembered how Mishima was trapped under that, and how he couldn’t do a thing until someone came to save him. You may yell at him for this later, but Ryuji snorted at the man. “Owner’s son? That’s no excuse for you to touch her when she doesn’t want you to!”

Grabbing your hand, Ryuji dragged you outside without a care. “We’re leaving, you don’t scare me.”

When both of you were finally alone, Ryuji sighed. “Sorry, babe but you should probably quit that place. That guy sickens me!” He cursed out before scratching the back of his head. “I’m really sorry.”

Ryuji felt much better when you decided to quit. If someone were to harass you at a work place, and take advantage of their authority, he knows that you’d be better off somewhere else.

Goro Akechi

Ahh, Akechi. This can’t end well.

Akechi can handle rude people very well. He’s stood through all the hate thrown at him after dissing the Phantom Thieves and handled all that backlash without a word. He is a very p a t i e n t man.

When it came to you though, he has no tolerance. You are something precious to him, and he isn’t going to let anything harm you. Don’t worry, he isn’t going to lash out and hold a knife against the guy’s throat or something like that.

Akechi knew you worked at a restaurant, but he didn’t look into it too much. As long as you were happy with your job, he’s got nothing to argue with. It would be his fifth time in the restaurant when he saw you getting pushed over by a customer.

He had entered the place, feeling tense as he heard a clash of voices. Following violent slurs and curses, he heard your voice in the midst of it. “I’m sorry ma’am, it was an acci--”

“Accident!!” From the corner of the room, he saw an older woman glaring at you, itching to dig her nicely polished red nails into your distressed expression. 

Moments before Akechi entered,you had tripped over a crack in the flooring, spilling black coffee in front of the woman nearby. It was a shame since she wore a nice white blouse, a very expensive one at that. 

Kindness can only go so far, especially after five minutes of being yelled at. “This shirt cost more than your house! I’ll sue you if you don’t let me get my hands on that girl!”

“Please, calm down!” Akechi couldn’t stand how desperate you appeared, how stressed you were when the woman did not comply. Tears were pricking out from the corner of your eyes, supposedly from shame.

“You dare tell me calm down!?” The lady screeched, raising her hand. You were certain that you were going to be hit, but you were going to take it. You weren’t going to fight back, you had to be calm. You flinched, shutting your eyes to stand the blow, but it never came.

You opened your eyes. From above, Akechi held the woman’s hand, preventing the strike. It was then when you saw a look in his eyes that seemed so cold, unfamiliar. 

“Ma’am, I suggest you leave. You can get arrested for hitting someone, it’s called assault.” He said in an icy tone that sent shivers down your spine.

The lady hissed before cursing him, glaring at you before stomping out of the place. It was evident that she was angry, but was she willing to get arrested over it? Probably not.

Immediately, Akechi turned over to you and grabbed your hands. “Love, did she hurt you?” His tone was the same as before, and there was no doubt he was furious. Terrified, you shook your head wildly.

“No.” For a moment, he had an expression of distrust before an exhale left his lips. Regaining his composure, he looked away with a much more softer face.

“Forgive me, I was worried something bad had happened to you.” Releasing your hands, he musters up a smile. “Well then, I suppose I should have my lunch now.”

After his meal, Akechi would contemplate of tracking that lady down and giving her a mental shutdown. This boy goes lengths to make sure the unjust gets punished.

Yuuki Mishima

Mishima is not one to step up in situations like these. We all remember how we first met him during Kamoshida’s time, how he struggled to stand up for himself and Suzui. 

Ever since Akira had completed his Confidant Link, Mishima had been trying to change that part of him. He wants to stand up for others who get beaten down mercilessly, to help those in need.

He didn’t expect the first person he would protect would be you, though.

It was your third day working at the restaurant, a classy area where the rich come and dine. Feeling bad about how he slept on a scheduled date a week ago, Mishima decided to visit you at work. 

He was in line for a reservation, captivated by the lights and aesthetics of the area. It suited you to be working in a place like this. You were a waitress, ready to seat you next customer. Your eyes met his, widening in surprise as he stepped up to claim a seat. “Mishima?”

He smiles. “Hello, S/O. I believe I have a reservation–”

“Step aside.” A gruff voice growled from the side, hastily pushing Mishima out of the line and taking his place. Taken aback by the rough movement, Mishima watched as an adult male looked at you with annoyance.

“Where’s Yachi?” Your eyes widened in shock, immediately growing pale with uneasiness. The man in front of you must be the ex-boyfriend of a fellow waitress, a controlling and forceful man. Not wanting to give away your friend’s location, you shook your head.

“Sir, please leave. This is a—”

“Where’s that bitch?! She’s here, isn’t she?” He hissed, proceeding to spit out all sorts of profanity and curses. You only attempted to reason, afraid of what he would do if you were to tell him to leave once again.

Mishima watched with a horrified expression, struck with fear as the man grew more aggressive with you, from insulting the waitress to cursing you. Clenching his fists, Mishima’s knuckles turned white.

Remember when Kamoshida always pushed Mishima and Suzui around? Everything starts flashing back to him. All the names and insults thrown at him, the way he was pushed around back then, Mishima didn’t want that to befall onto you. 

Suddenly, he just snaps his head towards the customer in annoyance. “If you’re going to complain, do it outside. You’re holding up business.” He hissed before immediately regretting his words. Would he get in trouble for this? Most likely. Will he get beat up in an alleyway and disappear? Possibly.

Awaiting a yell and a hit to the face, Mishima’s face stiffened, ready to be punished until he realized that the hit never came. The Rude Customer blinked before scowling, glaring at the two of you before walking away. 

At the end of your shift, Mishima clung onto your arm protectively. “Sorry if I created a scene there, I couldn’t stand it when I watched that guy walk all over you.” He said in an apologetic tone.

He didn’t expect for your lips to come in contact with his cheek, following a soft charming smile. “Thank you, Mishima. You saved me.” 

At least, he was very happy to know he was your Knight in Shining Armor that day.

[dorkforty]

So, wow. We’re living in interesting times, huh?

So interesting that it almost seems frivolous to talk about funnybooks. Still, I’ve been intending to do that very thing for days. But as I got down to the business of locking down the nerd farm… I got a bit overwhelmed. If it was just obeying stay at home orders, I’d be fine. But it hasn’t been. I won’t bore you with details, but it really has been one thing after another this past week. Just as I got my head wrapped around one thing, another one cropped up and knocked me for a loop again.

And in-between all that, I spent most of my time being basically worthless. I found myself clinging to social media, because I was barely able to string together a coherent enough thought to handle much else. I was so distracted I couldn’t even read. So instead I’ve been sitting in front of an awful lot of video comfort food. Pluto TV’s Classic Doctor Who channel, for instance, has quite suddenly become a balm for the soul.

Such a relaxing face!

But I hate to whine. Everybody’s going through varying degrees of stress and difficulty right now, and though I’ve had a couple of bad shocks, there are people out there with worse problems than mine. I still don’t feel much like talking comics in any great detail, though.

And, hell… The way things are going right now, we’re not going to have many new comics to talk about for a while. Most comic shops are under forced shutdown, Diamond Distribution is also shut down, and in the hope of keeping the shops that survive the current situation viable when this whole thing is over, there aren’t going to be any digital new releases for the time being, either.

And lord knows what the comics landscape’s going to look like on the other side of this thing. The comics industry exists in a very fragile financial ecosystem, composed of thousands of small businesses, many of which are (shall we say) not the best-run operations in the world. A lot of them are just barely getting by every month, and losing one to three months’ worth of new comic sales will kill them. I’ve seen estimates that as many as a third of America’s comic shops may go under. And if that many shops go away, it would probably kill the comic shop distribution chain as it exists today. Diamond, at least, might not be able to survive it.

It would also kill an awful lot of publishers. Not the bigger players, who can probably survive off bookstore sales of their back-catalog for a few months if need be. But smaller outfits might not be so lucky. And while a culling of some of the lower-tier dreck publishers that clutter up the monthly Previews catalog might not be a bad thing for the industry, I’d hate to see folks like Black Mask or Aftershock go down.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though. If Diamond does go away, there’s already rumors that the big players are looking into distribution through traditional book industry companies like Penguin and Ingram, giants who already distribute trades and graphic novels for much of the industry. Opening them up for monthly comics distribution might not be incredibly difficult. Bleeding Cool’s even reporting that Penguin looked into buying Diamond a while back, so there may be interest in such a deal from the other side.

What that scenario would mean for comics, I don’t know. Certainly, the surviving comic shops could set up accounts to order stock, and I know from experience that both Penguin and Ingram are more competent than Diamond. Some of the t-shirt, statue, and toy items might have to find alternate distribution, but I’m also of a mind that a little less of that might not be a bad thing for the industry, either. And you never know; availability through traditional book distributors might get monthly comics some shelf space in the bookstore market. I’m sure it would be the bigger titles only, but even that might drive more people to comic shops seeking more.

Or maybe that’s wishful thinking. I dunno. But it makes me feel good to think through the possibilities, so… I’m leaving it in.

As for what the future holds here on the nerd farm… I haven’t decided yet. Certainly, barring further personal shocks (and holy crap at this point I’m not counting on that), I’ll keep writing. I’ve got a decent stack of unreviewed comics on my desk that came out before the lockdown, and I still want to say something about them. But once those are gone (and at this point, I can’t imagine spending more than one column on them)… I dunno. I’ve got a stack of unread trades and OGNs that I want to read, and a lifetime of funnybook reading that lends itself well to retro reviews. I spent some time last year digging through my local funnybook store’s prodigious selection of old indie books, and I’m sure there’s some stuff in those that would be fun to discuss. Or maybe I’ll do more gallery posts like that Kirby Collection I did last week.

So we’ll see.

But for now, I’ve got an appointment to keep with the Doctor…

Funnybooks in the Time of the Plague So, wow. We're living in interesting times, huh? So interesting that it almost seems frivolous to talk about funnybooks.

[bigyack-com]

Fed Cuts Interest Rates in Bid to Protect Economy: Live Updates

The Fed unveils an emergency program to keep credit flowing.

The Federal Reserve cut interest rates to near-zero on Sunday, in its second emergency measure this month amid increasingly dire predictions about the economic impact of the coronavirus.The central bank also said it would buy up huge amounts of government and mortgage-backed debt.“The coronavirus outbreak has harmed communities and disrupted economic activity in many countries, including the United States,” the central bank said in a statement on Sunday. “The Federal Reserve is prepared to use its full range of tools to support the flow of credit to households and businesses.”The Fed cut its benchmark interest rate by a full percentage point, to a range of 0 to 0.25 percent, and said it would increase its holdings of Treasury securities by at least $500 billion and its holdings of government mortgage-backed securities by at least $200 billion “over coming months.”The moves, reminiscent of steps the central bank took during the 2008 financial crisis, are aimed at making it easier for banks to lend money to businesses facing a steep and sudden drop in revenue as the virus forces them to curtail their activity or shut down.In a sign of how urgent the Fed considered Sunday’s moves, the central bank’s chairman, Jerome H. Powell, said the Federal Open Market Committee would no longer hold its previously planned meeting scheduled for this week, saying this decision was “in lieu” of that.Despite the Fed’s intervention, stock futures in the United States declined steeply on Sunday evening.Economists have been cutting forecasts for economic growth for weeks, as they consider how store closings, falling consumer spending and decreased travel will affect the United States. On Sunday, economists at Goldman Sachs said they now expected the American economy, the world’s largest, would record zero growth in the first quarter, and would shrink in the second quarter.Even with monetary and fiscal stimulus measures, “these shutdowns and rising public anxiety about the virus are likely to lead to a sharp deterioration in economic activity in the rest of March and throughout April,” Goldman’s economists wrote in a research note.Financial markets have plunged in recent weeks as investors fixated on potential costs of the coronavirus outbreak. Stocks are down some 20 percent from their Feb. 19 high.On March 3, the Fed cut interest rates by a half percentage point in an emergency announcement. The U.S. stock market managed to rally only for roughly 15 minutes before falling sharply once again and finishing the day down nearly 3 percent.The volatility has only grown since then, with the S&P 500 posting its worst-single day loss since the Black Monday crash of 1987 on Thursday, before posting an extraordinary 9.3 percent gain to close the week on Friday. The wild swings in prices extend well beyond stocks. At times last week, the market for Treasuries showed signs of trouble — a worrisome indicator because U.S. government bonds are considered the safest spot for investors to park their cash in times of stress.

An economic hit from ‘all sides.’

For weeks, forecasters have warned of the coronavirus’s potential to disrupt the American economy just as it has done elsewhere. But there was little hard evidence beyond delayed shipments of goods from China and stomach-churning volatility in financial markets.Now the effects are showing up in downtown nightspots and suburban shopping centers from coast to coast.Not since the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, has a crisis enveloped so much of the economy so quickly. Broadway is dark. The college basketball tournaments are canceled and professional sports are on indefinite hold. Conferences, concerts and St. Patrick’s Day parades have been called off or postponed. Even Disneyland — which stayed open through a recession a decade ago that wiped out millions of American jobs and trillions of dollars in wealth — is shuttered.“This hits the heart of the economy, and it hits the economy on all sides,” said Diane Swonk, chief economist at Grant Thornton. “It’s not just that we’re slowing down things. We’re actually hitting the pause button, and there is no precedent, there is no mold for that.”

Starbucks will eliminate seating and close some stores.

Starbucks will eliminate seating at all of its company-owned stores in the United States for at least the next two weeks to encourage social distancing, the company announced on Sunday.It will also temporarily close some stores in “high-social gathering locations,” like malls and college campuses. A Starbucks spokeswoman, Jaime Riley, said the company was still determining how many stores will be closed.At the stores that do remain open, customers will be able to walk up to the counter to order, place delivery or pickup orders online or use drive-throughs where available.For the next two weeks, Starbucks employees who are unable to work or whose hours are reduced because of the store closures will be compensated for the shifts they would normally have worked.At the end of that period, Starbucks will “reassess to make sure that our parents continue to be financially supported,” Ms. Riley said.

Hollywood may have just had a historically bad weekend.

Seemingly every aspect of American life has been disrupted by the coronavirus pandemic, and the weekend ritual of watching a movie in the dark sitting with strangers has been no exception. Most cinemas in the United States remain open, with the two biggest chains, AMC and Regal, reducing seating capacity in auditoriums by 50 percent so that people could leave at least one empty seat between them. But fears about the coronavirus kept the masses at home: Domestic ticket sales totaled about $55.3 million, a 44 percent drop from last weekend, despite three new films — “Bloodshot,” “The Hunt” and “I Still Believe” — arriving in wide release.It was the worst period for movie theaters in two decades, according to Comscore, which compiles box office data. The next lowest weekend was Sept. 15 to 17 in 2000, when ticket sales totaled $54.5 million and the primary draws were holdovers like “The Watcher,” a serial-killer movie, and “Nurse Betty,” a dark comedy starring Renée Zellweger. In today’s money, however, the 2000 weekend generated roughly $83 million in ticket sales.

Why stock prices surged on Friday.

Just 30 minutes before trading on Wall Street came to a close on Friday, President Trump declared a national emergency and said he’d speed up testing for the coronavirus in the United States with the help of private companies.Speaking outside the White House — surrounded by chief executives from a number of companies — Mr. Trump said Google would help create a website to screen coronavirus cases, and Walmart, Target and others would help with testing. (The president oversold that Google site.)Investors had been waiting all week to see Washington take action, so they didn’t wait to hear the finer details: Stocks surged some 6 percent as the president spoke about the plans, to end the day up 9 percent.

Catch up: Here’s what else is happening.

Retailers started closing stores: Apple said it would shutter more than 450 stores across 21 countries for two weeks. Nike said it would shut all of its stores in the United States, Canada, Western Europe, New Zealand and Australia for the same period.Spain and France announced drastic restrictions: On Saturday, Spain ordered all citizens to confine themselves to their homes — and to leave only to buy food, go to work, seek medical care or assist the elderly and others in need. France announced the closing of all “non-indispensable” businesses as of midnight, including restaurants, bars and movie theaters.Saudi Aramco’s profit fell. The world’s largest oil company said on Sunday that its profit last year fell more than 20 percent, primarily because of lower oil prices.Volkswagen will temporarily close a factory in Chattanooga, Tenn. The factory will close for the day on Monday as managers assess how to handle a shortage of workers who have child care problems.Jeanna Smialek, Ben Casselman, Jack Ewing, Stanley Reed, Jack Nicas, Liz Alderman, Brooks Barnes, David Yaffe-Bellany and Matt Phillips contributed reporting. Read the full article