#i guess this is stuff i am into now damn
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tie me to your bed and force me to take a knotted toy that's too big. listen to me cry as you stretch my hole and slap my cunt as i beg you to stop. when you push the knot in, watch my back arch and my eyes roll back as I rock my hips up to take the knot. as I start to get used being filled, switch it on. let me scream as it comes to life and starts pounding my puppycunt. this is my place, this is where I belong- tied down and being forced to submit to a bigger doggy
#feral barking#this would fix me#ftm nsft#ftm sub#ftm puppy#ftm breeding#i need this so bad#cnc overstim#overstim kink#Kn0tted toy#ftm knotting#Knotted toy#kn0tting#please please please please please#i guess this is stuff i am into now damn#trans cnc#ftm cnc#ftm ns/fw#trans nsft
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Still alive, writing and editing a lot and even drawing (mostly dragon sketches at work). Seasons has some new chapters now...
I saw something earlier about writing being something you can hone by doing lots of reading and writing. I wonder when that will apply to me. I've read a lot of books this year. I have almost hit my goal of 90 books, and while a couple are nonfiction and half are comics, the rest are novels. I expect that to increase again, now that I'm going back to the library. (I stopped with the bed bug scare.) Then I'm setting aside time each week to write. I work on stories at work, even if it's mostly just planning. (My laptop is falling apart so I just gave up taking it to work.)
Yet here I am, still the same idiot who doesn't have anything appealing enough for most people to read. I can't get 99% of my followers interested. Sales of Geckos have dropped to next-to-nothing. Nothing else I put out there matters either.
The fault lies with me. I'm not good enough.
After having this stupid blog for 12 years, I want to delete it. I want to delete my twitter account. I want to delete every single account and shut up for good. There is nothing I can offer.
My writing is a good hobby for me. I can get pats on the head for doing a little thing for myself. Aww, look at the cute little dumbass adult doing wittle storwies!!! Isn't that silly!!! They're not good, but he's having fun during the process.
Too bad he hasn't figured out that not even 39 more years of practice can save what he's handing out.
#people lied about “once you have confidence nothing can take it away”#nah that shit can get killed when you're a fucking pitiful fool like me!#until the day when I actually make something that's important to anyone this is just me being a child-brained idiot scribbling words down#I used to think I was semi-decent... I did before Rascal but figured Rascal was inferior to my usual work#Then I felt bad about my writing bc of discouragement and locked my work up#felt a surge of confidence a couple of weeks before I started Seasons tho#then had some confidence after that until 2023 (lots of bad shit happened that year)#it evaporated quickly but I tried to maintain some#and now it's just like... me trying to pretend and “fake it till you make it” has never worked for me#but let's be real: the more I showed I liked myself the more bothersome that was for some people I was close to#and it's better to tear me down than lift me up#so I guess the problem is that I just don't belong in the writing world with anyone else#I'll never be good enough and I'm frankly too mentally fucking delayed to have figured it out (like everything else)#hahahahaha people keep telling me I'm autistic and my brother is autistic and my parents refused a diagnosis for me when the Dr mentioned i#and here I am probably too autistic to have ever figured out a damn thing except that I'm pretty good at reading and liking stuff!#but not skilled at anything else#just a reader and worthless as anything else#oh and I guess crocheting but I want none of you to have that part of me ever again
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mha nation how yall doin
#in light of recent leaks… ahem. im gna keep my damn mouth shut and take pro hero bkg to his therapy#anyways… heyyyyyy#so. one year later.. yes i am alive. some updates on my life:#fell out of mha fandom and into one or two others#graduated uni and am now in my gap year aiming to start a md program next spring/fall#made a twitch account not too long ago to be silly and play video games. i only got 18 followers LMFAO#if any1 wants the user u can dm me or send me an ask or smth. might drop a link on the blog later down the line. moots im staring at u#recently went over some bkg wips and i miss him so bad#will i finish my bkg wips? someday yes. dragon bkg is my baby and i WILL finish it#but at the moment i am rotting <3#i see all ur asks and while i will not reply to all (so that i dont clog dash) i appreciate those of u who reached out! i rly do!!#i havent really been in the mood to write recently for some reason#tho i have been writing for um. redacted fandom over the last year#‘but shay whats redacted’#well if u really want to know check out ‘lunarmoves’ on tumblr/ao3#and dont judge me until u’ve read some of the stuff ive written/art ive rbed#and if u r curious as to how i ended up in that fandom……….. i read a fic on ao3. it was so good it rerouted my entire brain#the rest is history#anywayz sorry for disappearing!#it will happen again /hj#im more active on that other blog at the moment#go to sleep shay it's late o'clock#might answer some asks tn idk#feeling whimsical tn i guess LOL#i wouldve dropped my alt blog sooner but i truly thought it would be a short phase#it was not#1 year later im still there. partially.#it is a very nice fandom c: i didnt want to leave LOL#also i didnt want to mix that blog with this anime one#you;ll know why if u peep at my alt blog. it is two very VERY different fandoms
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the block button isnt enough i need to set things on FIRE
#SORRY. i just. jdskfjdskljfdskjlfjlk#someone reblogged a post. the post is a screenshot from [REDACTED]'s twitter apparently#so even tho i have [REDACTED] blocked here i will NEVER BE FREE#....but i didnt kow they had a twitter so i guess i gotta go block there too#it was YET AGAIN a situation of me going#oh thats a fun fanart- wait. wait i know that art style. is that [REDACTED]. god damn it.#UUGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHH#at least they have a really distinct art style [to me anyway] so i almost always catch myself if a stray post ends up in my feed#i had the same reaction a while back when someone reposted their art on insta#the thing is a lot of their art is fine but#i had enough like.... eyebrow raising suspicion that i dont think i ever followed them#and then one day they Posted The Thing I Blocked Them Over and i just cannot have that near me EVER#no shade to anyone reblogging their stuff tho bc i feel like most ppl probs wouldnt know#but i bear the burden of knowledge. i saw that singular post and it is all tainted FOREVER#oh i already have them blocked on twitter LOL ok. good lord they have a lot of followers#DO THEY KNOW..... HAVE THEY SEEN....#god. one day im gonna start thinking i hallucinated that post but i know what i saw. and it was Really Gross 😭#sorry to be a vague little bitch i just dont wanna start shit and i also dont want to give people The Mental Image Im Cursed With#it's ok i have seen cute fanart now and i am healed im calm im normal im moving on
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gssuys urgent guestion should i ever actually come up with some semblance of a backstory for inkjet printer or should i just make it stay That Thang thats basically just my weird little freak mascot fursona guy. i dont know which one id prefer honestlly
#soup says stuff#i say this knowing damn well rhat this will end in nothing but crickets (its like 5 am#(literallly no one is online or will see my poasts)#except my irl friend mal from tdi i guess. i know his ass isnt going to see me posting on tumblr right now thiough
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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mgsv has so many literary references to books i have essays abt it kind of makes me.
#i'm sick this is my slightly fever-induced thought stream in the rest of the tags sorry ->#all the 1984 stuff is really interesting. the position of both ocelot and kaz as the people running room 101 is really fascinating.#because it somehow manages to place huey in the position of winston while also having venom be in the position of winston.#<- would that make quiet julia? actually yes it does bc of her nature motifs.#and the whole game seems to doublethink of whats real and what isn't. though it starts to tell you what isn't real its still there.#and then with moby dick you have pequod which is just. the ship. and queegueg who is ishmaels friend. which is why its kind of perfect he i#the other pilot we see who takes kaz places. and theres other stuff with him but i don't want to get into that. i could go on for a while.#but whats interesting is that ahab seems to apply more to kaz than it does to venom. esp because his own deception results in his downfall.#whereas that isn't true with venom if youve played mg1 he just kinda keeps going with it to at least some degree.#and i guess kaz is working for foxhound but you know what i mean.#ocelot even being the perfect counterpart to starbuck who works at kaz's side but disagrees with his methods to an extreme.#he isn't of the same morals as starbuck but its just the oppositional character type.#does that mean cipher is moby dick. yes actually bc of the leg thing with kaz. oh my god.#<- funny enough i am actually getting moby dick back out of the library bc i never finished it and its been ages since i read what i did.#i remember the narration being kind of nuts.#honestly the lord of the flies stuff feels less like a reference and more like eli read that book and decided he wanted to do it irl. lol.#i can't say these books are even close to being favorites but i'm intimately familiar with both 1984 and lotf so those are. those.#and moby dick is genuinely just kind of. what in the hell did i experience. theres a lot to unpack.#and i didn't even finish the damn thing.#ok i'm done now i just needed to get that out of my system. now i'm off to read veniss underground. 👍#.txt
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Looking back at your Ask box…
… And realising you have Asks going back at least two years…
Which is a good thing bc I just accidentally found out someone blocked me that I think I only interacted w/ them all of once and I'm not sure why but I might know why and now I feel bad, and…
… Yeah. I'll. Uh. I'll go think about the Asks, maybe.
#Firebird Randomness#there's no real point in pursuing the other thing#I'm guessing it was my 01 melt down think I pushed a lot of people away w/ that one#I was twenty five and it was Covid and I was not in a great place emotionally#in it's own way 01 kept me going but damn did I get emotional about it#I still have pretty much the same opinions although I think I could explain them better now#I'm not stuck living w/ my parents I'm not in one of my most formative ages stuck in a global pandemic#I am constantly exhausted and burned out from work and thinking about going on meds again#I still have executive dysfunction and my social skills are subpar#I care to much and get worked up#I still have anxiety and depression#but I'm almost thirty (twenty nine end of this month!) I'm in a better living spot and I get paid okay#I still have weight and image problems and no motivation#but I don't have scurvy#gotta do my taxes#all in all… Doing okay#I still love Horobi and Fuwa w/ my whole heart#test for whoever reads the tags: who wants to see my merch/display wall???#it's covered in dust and has some Hakuouki and DMC stuff on it as well but I still think it's cool!
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Holy fucking shit the dysphoria is dysphoria-ing right now. I feel physically nauseous oh my fucking god. I’m gonna fucking kill someone maybe myself rn I’m gonna lose my shit holy hell.
Doesn’t help that I’ve been incredibly overstimulated the past few days every sound is like a fucking cheese grater in my ears oh my god.
#dysphoria#gender dysphoria#sensory processing disorder#tw emetophobia#for the nausea mention#idk if that’s needed or not#but yeah I’m about to tear off my fucking skin and jump off a building I am losing my fucking mind#it’s so over#lmao my brain is fucked i genuinely wanna off myself over this shit#and my mother keeps refusing to even entertain the idea of getting my name changed on the school role#even though all my teachers and friends call me Alex and that’s what I’ve been going by for a few years now#and it would make things significantly easier for everyone because it would fix my email name as well#so that’s not helping#and she was talking about my period and being all “it’s okay all WOMEN get these ❤️ you’re just becoming a beautiful woman#and now she keep being rude to my sister because she uses men’s deodorant (because it works better) and doesn’t really wear dresses#(because she finds them annoying and inconvenient)#and is being all “hurr durr you’re copying your SISTER stop being so masculine”#like fucking hell#shit talking me and harassing my sister all at once#man I want to fucking kill myself im so done with this shit#and I’m so overdue on school work and I feel so overwhelmed and stressed this fucking sucks#and I know the school work and stuff is fully my fault for forgetting and slacking off but I can’t bring myself to do them because the#stress of fucking up and just how much of it I have to do is pushing me to my damn limit#I can’t even bring myself to start on my film and media assignment that’s a week overdue because I’m so fucking stressed just thinking about#it and I’m so overwhelmed I can’t fucking do this. I just can’t. and I know I’m at fault for procrastinating and being too lazy and stressed#to bring myself to start working on it#and things are just gonna get more and more difficult#so yeah. rant over I guess. sorry guys#did not mean to rant in the tags this much dysphoria is just killing me and so is general stress#tw suicidal thoughts
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at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/
#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it#bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things#and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance#that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross#but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that#they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable#but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about#which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies#and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get#i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety#sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time#i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them#but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this#i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice#ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF#LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM#like maybe YOU live in a bad area#but you're just a really loud minority#anyway. yeah. just. oof.#still feeling some kind of anxiety about it#win rambles
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knots have got me feeling some kind of way. the idea of being fucked by some... thing with a huge cock and an even bigger knot and knowing as it breaks my pussy in, that knot is going to be inside me regardless of whether I want it to. and that once it's forced inside me, the knot will force their cum inside me til it shinks... or until it gets bored and pulls it's cock out of me...
#kn0tting#ftm breeding#trans ftm#ftm sub#ftm nsft#puppyboy#ftm puppy#nsft puppy#puppy sub#dumb puppy#kn0ttybaby#Kn0t#feral barking#please please please please please#i guess this is stuff i am into now damn
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i used to picture percy and annabeth at 16 looking way older than actual 16 year olds look and im only realizing that now as someone who's closer to 16 than 12
#crunchyposts#pjo#like damn these guys look young. then again people have told me i look younger than i actually am so maybe im underestimating it now#but like comparing how i originally pictured them to how my classmates look and stuff like Wow we are Small#how old am i????????? guess lol
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Aaand here it is. The "I'm not being productive and creative at all" blues.
#I better start working on that new AU already#I told myself I would do it this summer#no idea what kind of AU it's gonna be though but well#we shall see#I feel so damn useless like this#I should also keep writing my Bernard Black fanfiction#I miss writing and creating stuff but I don't feel motivated enough I guess and the weather doesn't help at all#I think I know why this is happening though#also I know that not being productive shouldn't make me feel like THIS but I cannot help it#I wanna create a new AU for Arthur and Eames :(#no#I NEED to do so#... which reminds me that I still didn't finish writing my AE fanfiction#*insert Lin-Manuel Miranda's 'c'mon brain think of things c'mon brain be so smart' video here*#I hate my brain right now#*sighs*#what the fuck am I even doing#eisy speaks
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i dont think i ever felt more annoyed at commercials than when those mean girls walmart ads were playing a few months ago or whenever that was
#i think it's mostly bc i thought mean girls was like. an okay movie. a fine movie? i think i liked it#but like. i saw it once. i have no nostalgia for it bc i saw it way later/not when it originally came out#and god the way people are so into it. i mean that is great like i dont wanna be a hater for people enjoying things#but me personally. i do not understand why it's a cult classic or whatever klsjfkdlsfj i hear people quote it all the time and im like. 🧍#so having those quotes i already dont care about re contextualized to try to sell me walmart. god. the worst experience jkfsdjfklJFDKLSJF#tbh maybe it woudlve been worse if i liked the movie but i saw comments saying those commercials were funny so WHATEVER#i feel like it's also the same w/like. vocaloid kfsjdflksjgh like i dont dislike it!! i enjoy some songs#but i never had a vocaloid phase when i was younger. i feel so very neutral about miku#ppl on the internet feel so strongly positive and again thats great and i objectively get it#ive been shown vocaloid songs and some are really catchy#but it is one of those instances where im like man. a level of hype i dont fully understand LOL#miku vocaloid stuff is at least endearing tho. i get.... tired... w/mean girls quotes......... ksljfsljfl#It's Always The Same Ones and i just dont think theyre very funny FKJLDSJFDKLSJF maybe i am a hater damn#jk i do think i liked the movie? god i dont remember i watched it like. i dont even know when. college at the earliest i think#but whatever thats just a case of people having different interests just cuz i didnt care about a thing doesnt man its bad other ppl like i#also tho i think bc the mean girls overquoted bits remind me of like. rae dunn ceramics LOL jkfskfjsekht#or like idk live laugh love stuff. yknow like. dont talk to me until ive had my coffee has same energy as on wednesdays we wear pink. to me#it's facebook wine mom humor.... bc it is people roughly my age that were/are really into it and they are now mom age i guess lwpfhewhfp#god i need to go to bed im tired and it's making me a cranky complainer about stuff that doesnt matter!!!!#went 2 my dash in a dif tab and immediately saw a miku post is she gonna get me for not having strong feelings about her#im sorry miku i just . i dont get it JKFLJDSKLFJKSLD#ur music is fun i just dont proportionately understand. i feel like im missing context w/this one girl maybe thats my bad idk#or maybe it's just i found u too late idk. i will jam to the bops tho#that endless/everlasting/whatever nights thing w/like the 4 alt storyline songs is soooo fun i love those#dont ask me the names of the ppl in them tho i dont fuckin know besides like. 3 of them. one is miku LOL#and those yellow twin kids. len and ren. or rin? len and rin? i dont remember and i dont care enough to look it up sorry small children#theres that blue haired guy that was in the one prsk route i played but i forgot his name again#i dont know if hes in those songs i was talkin about tho i only remember what he looks like in his youthful wonderland alt loll#i talk in the tags bc i get scared it feels safe in my burrow here underground#also im calling mean girls mid and saying i dont have miku hype so i feel like that does warrant going into hiding
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i used to be really nervous about going back to my hometown because ‘what if i run into someone i don’t like‘ but like. the few times that has happened the people who have done be dirty have just 100% ignored me/run away from me. even despite me trying to be like heyyy. lol. which i guess means im a lot more confrontational than other ppl....
#lowkey bothers me though cause im like bruh you were so rude to me in highschool and youre gonna act like im the bad guy........#can you just own up to it and we can get it over with?? now it's awkward!!!#like im so down to have a positive interaction and not have to have this bitter taste in my mouth anymore..#also the way that multiple of these ppl work at a starbucks that i frequent#and had to take my order#LIKE I GAVE YOU MY NAME YOU OBVIOUSLY RECOGNIZE ME#idk i feel like if it were my me i would just apologize and get it over with#cy says stuff#personal#truth is i am a lot better with confrontation than other ppl but that's cause i was forced to learn those skills at a younger age..#it is kind of cringe that ppl don't wanna face their past or own up to their past mistakes ngl#anyways... my friend invited me to go to starbucks tomorrow and i am probably gonna run into the same girl who would spread rumors about me#and constantly update me on my ex despite me asking her not to#and also called me stupid for not doing well on a quiz i literally wasn't there for........#thing is no one liked her i was just nice to her cause i am a nice person.. and then she was so mean to me... like wtf...#and when i told her i didnt want to sit next to her anymore cause she was mean to me she started bawling#like damn girl okay i still dont want to be your friend though cause you kind of suck#and i guess she still holds that against me to this day lol. or at least the last time i saw her which was like. december#anyways im hella jetlagged and i woke up at midnight again. intrusive thoughts go brr#it'll be fine i am strong
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It’s difficult to not feel discouraged sometimes when your partner is also an artist and happens to be faster than you in every conceivable way
This doesn’t bother me often because everyone is different and comparing production time and skill against each other or anyone is detrimental mostly and its ok to have your own workflow
but it does weigh on me vaguely sometimes sometimes that she can finish 2-3 full coloured pieces within a week and ive been painfully scratching out the same number but theyre only sketches that ill never revisit within a month
None of this actually matters in the long run, it just makes me feel bad on occasion
#like i should be doing more#im very sorry for complaining so much online#i just dont really have any other way to express myself#i know some of you have generously and kindly reached out to me to offer an ear#but my fatal flaw is i cant talk to anyone about my problems i just idk it was beaten into me that none of it matter#matters or my problems arent a big deal and i know ots healthy to think actuallt my problems are worth talking about or a big deal#but its hard to change a behaviour that was kinda literally beaten jnto you that talking about stuff likw this is a waste of time#i guess i just feel bad that i could do more and i dont because i dont want to#but i also want to if that makes any sense at all#i suppose it also doesnt help that alot of the work im doing right now i actually sorta hate like none of it is good to me personally#i want to stop being toxic towards myself#i just wanna stop hating me and who i am and what i do every step of the way#but that mean little voice inside me is like ahh. it wont shut up#I always say i need a break or more time but what am i gonna do with it#doing nothing at all isnt fulfilling#it sounds. sad like what teenager me did and i dont want to be or feel like that ever again but its fuckjng hard#this is so woe is me#im a liar bc i say the main text doesnt bother me but it bothers me alot im very envious of her speed prolificness and drive to create#and i have none like thats so unfair#this makes me sound ultra bitter god fucking damn it#i want to go to sleep and genuinely never fucking wake up again#please im done i just dont want to
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