#i guess this is stuff i am into now damn
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tie me to your bed and force me to take a knotted toy that's too big. listen to me cry as you stretch my hole and slap my cunt as i beg you to stop. when you push the knot in, watch my back arch and my eyes roll back as I rock my hips up to take the knot. as I start to get used being filled, switch it on. let me scream as it comes to life and starts pounding my puppycunt. this is my place, this is where I belong- tied down and forced to submit
#feral barking#this would fix me#ftm nsft#ftm sub#ftm puppy#ftm breeding#i need this so bad#cnc overstim#overstim kink#Kn0tted toy#ftm knotting#Knotted toy#kn0tting#please please please please please#i guess this is stuff i am into now damn#trans cnc#ftm cnc#ftm ns/fw#trans nsft
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and here come the negative emotions. right on cue...
#i am so exhausted#i wish i had more control over my brain#wish i could do anything other than just steer it in specific directions.#no matter how many times i steer it somewhere else it finds a way back to negativity#i cant hold the reigns forever#i need breaks#but then comes the pain like clockwork#maybe id be happier if i wasnt so damn analytical#constantly putting puzzles together whether i want to or not#whether im right or not#i could pull myself out of this slump right now yknow#easily#snap of my fingers#... but im tired. what would i even do with positive emotions?#idk. idk#i have some melatonin somewhere around here i think.#guess ill take some of that#theres a whole lotta stuff i wish about myself#right now i wish to forget the world for a little while#goodnight. hopefully.#oh yeah#vent
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There's something about say doing a whole bunch of laundry or hand washing all your dishes after cooking a large meal when you're twenty that brings me this strange childlike joy and sense of accomplishment when I do it
It's like sure, I did this stuff prior to adulthood, but that was out of obedience to my mother. Now I am an adult living on my own and now I am doing these things because I have to for me and only me and have to willingly choose to do them
And it's like wow I did it I'm so grown up!
#its like yay i did it! then i can here my mother saying good now go do the four other things you need to do#because she is the type of person who is can't stop won't stop so like she doesn't often understand that for me doing even like one big#thing in the day its like it's the only thing on my mind because i have to like prepare myself to do it#i also am baffled when i see people in college who its their first time doing chores and shit#like it was expected for me to do this stuff as a kid and if my mom said to do something you do it right away#which makes my mom sound intense but like she wasn't super authoritarian in her parenting and she allowed for kvetching whining and trying#to negotiate given that you still did as told#also my mother's jewish and her job is contract negotiation so she is impossible to win an argument against#also from what i hear about gen alpha like damn they do not respect their parents like what the fuck#like its insane#also people getting money for doing household chores. my mom doesn't believe in rewarding someone for doing what is expected of them#but she periodically of course would give me money for stuff or buy me stuff so it works out#and like i know people complain about gen z's work ethic but my sisters and i have always been praised for ours#since doing your 110% and what you're expected to do and more was something taught to us early on. it's your duty to do so so you do it#nothing is for incentive#my mom has very high standards#idk why i felt like putting all of this in the tags#i guess since i was raised to give my 110% it makes tasks feel daunting and when theres no one to ensure i do them it takes a lot#of self motivation and since it feels so hard i guess its why it feels like when you're a kid and you're doing something for the first time#and you're not sure you can do it but you did and it's like yay!
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Still alive, writing and editing a lot and even drawing (mostly dragon sketches at work). Seasons has some new chapters now... I saw something earlier about writing being something you can hone by doing lots of reading and writing. I wonder when that will apply to me. I've read a lot of books this year. I have almost hit my goal of 90 books, and while a couple are nonfiction and half are comics, the rest are novels. I expect that to increase again, now that I'm going back to the library. (I stopped with the bed bug scare.) Then I'm setting aside time each week to write. I work on stories at work, even if it's mostly just planning. (My laptop is falling apart so I just gave up taking it to work.) Yet here I am, still the same idiot who doesn't have anything appealing enough for most people to read. I can't get 99% of my followers interested. Sales of Geckos have dropped to next-to-nothing. Nothing else I put out there matters either. The fault lies with me. I'm not good enough. After having this stupid blog for 12 years, I want to delete it. I want to delete my twitter account. I want to delete every single account and shut up for good. There is nothing I can offer. My writing is a good hobby for me. I can get pats on the head for doing a little thing for myself. Aww, look at the cute little dumbass adult doing wittle storwies!!! Isn't that silly!!! They're not good, but he's having fun during the process. Too bad he hasn't figured out that not even 39 more years of practice can save what he's handing out.
#people lied about “once you have confidence nothing can take it away”#nah that shit can get killed when you're a fucking pitiful fool like me!#until the day when I actually make something that's important to anyone this is just me being a child-brained idiot scribbling words down#I used to think I was semi-decent... I did before Rascal but figured Rascal was inferior to my usual work#Then I felt bad about my writing bc of discouragement and locked my work up#felt a surge of confidence a couple of weeks before I started Seasons tho#then had some confidence after that until 2023 (lots of bad shit happened that year)#it evaporated quickly but I tried to maintain some#and now it's just like... me trying to pretend and “fake it till you make it” has never worked for me#but let's be real: the more I showed I liked myself the more bothersome that was for some people I was close to#and it's better to tear me down than lift me up#so I guess the problem is that I just don't belong in the writing world with anyone else#I'll never be good enough and I'm frankly too mentally fucking delayed to have figured it out (like everything else)#hahahahaha people keep telling me I'm autistic and my brother is autistic and my parents refused a diagnosis for me when the Dr mentioned i#and here I am probably too autistic to have ever figured out a damn thing except that I'm pretty good at reading and liking stuff!#but not skilled at anything else#just a reader and worthless as anything else#oh and I guess crocheting but I want none of you to have that part of me ever again
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you guys realize that things (the DMC Netflix anime) don't necessarily need to be either (1) the equivalent to the Holy Grail or (2) like it killed your grandma. you guys realize 'mediocre' and 'generic' exist. right.
#i am unfortunately from the negative side of this all#i'm salty. i've written a lot of criticism. and i despise the attitude of the showrunner with my whole being#but also. i have a life. so i simply shared those thoughts with. like. two close people#and i have everything muted because: i'm tired boss#look. yes. some people have done ridiculous criticism. that's true#but most of the times... it bas been justified. i am sorry. but it has#we're back with the 'wacky woohoo pizza man' bullshit again. and with Vergil only being the damn storm that is apro#you get it.#i would prefer for this to be the absolute worst as some people claim it to be so i didn't get it to jumpscare me more#but unfortunately it's not. it's just mediocre#another generic action anime for me#and i don't even watch much stuff in general. i either read or play stuff#but i can't just sit and watch. so like. i just want april to pass. i'm tired bosssssss#probably because due to me not being the most-mentally-stable-person-out-there#— i cannot enjoy a ✨piece of media✨ like any normal human being would#it has to both (1) save my life and (2) ruin my life. no in between#hyperfixations. yeah. but this time for real#The Odyssey (yes the damn poem) has been stucked with me since i was 10 years old#that's a whole decade of something affecting my life and the way i am#and now. last year Devil May Cry was added as the second one#i always avoided the saga like the plague. the memes. the view of the series the fandom gave me... it just wasn't it#and perhaps it's thanks that a mutual convinced me to start with 1 and not with 5 that my mind had changed so quickly#so seeing a story and characters that have affected me in both the good and the bad at such a deep level#— getting changed almost completely for the sake of a bottleg universe#eh. i'll pass#then again. it's just not for me#i guess. not like i'll go tell my therapist about it#because it's not good. it's not bad. it's mediocre#and something generic at least will pass by. i hope#deleting later
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Where's that one Ford art post thats like I'm in the best years of my life clutching a hot pink thermos thingy with hot gurl juice when he's clearly not. cause damn . Yeah
#ive got it actually downloaded on my phone. so dont actually need it forwarded to me. but also#christ man what day. what a life. what am i doing man. im so exhausted. trying to figure out my masters. which like. UGH first pushed to#do things and then im like oh okay yeah makes sense ill do it and then suddenly people are like a YEAR LATER wait what do u actually want.#like. idk man i do enjoy what im doing and enjoying myself. but also fuck im tired. but also i would be excited to do further work on what#im doing. like. i get my aunt dying recently has suddenly all my other aunts reassesing their lives but its just like. yeah and now suddenly#youre reluctant about the shit youve pushed on me huh#and CHRIST the stress of figuring how the dynamics work since everythings changed up here and ive gotta move AGAIN#and the oma needing to be medivac'd out today like fuck man. and then i fucking went to craft night and started weavibg a basket#like. what the fuck man. and then finished two typesets.#ughhhhhh. and was like damn i needed to make those hours for work today but whatever i guess. tomorrow it is#me w my sad little micky of liquor and my laptop for typesetting and antique roadshow on in the background trying to relax#omas probably fine but CHRIST last i was in they were like shes fucking dying. okay wait shes a little better no one else is in can u#look after her. horribly stressful#yeah. sure. prime of my life. to stress out about everything.#hugin personal#had a breif moment sitting on my bed where everything dropped away and i was like damn what the fuck am i doing. what is going on.#how am i still moving. anyways. i think i need a vacation#its fine its just been a long few months and things keep piling up and im supposed to be making importnat life decisions and i feel like an#impaled beastie on a fork writhing around. AND im not home so i dont got my snuggly boy to cuddle. i just need some sleep i think#the prof i was thinking of supervising me seemed super nice... and talking to stydent this week also where nice and only had nice things#to say. idk man also been thinking this week about growing up and never having your work being acknowledged. its just why havent you not#done that. like. damn. dont think i can recall my dad every saying im proud of you. ughhh some ways good to be out of the house since dads#stressful af to be around and the parents still arent sure about maybe getting a divorce but its also awkward af dynamics here#the rents seem fine for the most part but yeesh. the fall was not good. also i miss my boyyyyyy#anyways. yeah classic NDN thing of your life being fucking run by your aunties somehow work wise#also being asked point blank what i want was like fuck man. what do i want. can u just leave me alone to do hobbies actually...#jk i do enjoy my job. i love research tbh. coordinating stuff less so but it do be a part of it#ok well. whoops rambles on here wayyy more then was expecting
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knots have got me feeling some kind of way. the idea of being fucked by some... thing with a huge cock and an even bigger knot and knowing as it breaks my pussy in, that knot is going to be inside me regardless of whether I want it to. and that once it's forced inside me, the knot will hold their cum inside til it gets bored and pulls it's cock out of me...
#kn0tting#ftm breeding#trans ftm#ftm sub#ftm nsft#puppyboy#ftm puppy#nsft puppy#puppy sub#dumb puppy#kn0ttybaby#Kn0t#feral barking#please please please please please#i guess this is stuff i am into now damn
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oughhhhhhhhhhh
#if anyone wants some drama on the dash. confirmed that my mother was having an affair 👍#WELL#damn.#how do i begin.#might have to take my uni up on their 6 free therapy session fr#i don't think she's a bad person#she's said she'd tell me and that i'd hate her when she does#just heard it from my dad first#what a mess#he didn't stop saying stuff#also included in that conversation was the genetic heart issue that i JUST found out was a thing in our side of the family#pls give me one thing at a time#wowwwwww#i still love her to bits but i think from now on it will be a little bit different#cant even cry anymore lmao what am i supposed to do#thats the real question#that i want to ask someone and get an answer to#WHAT do i do now.#... get some food and try to forget about the genetic heart issue i guess#ffs.#i love my mum so much#to the point where ive thought that if she died#i would die too#because i'll never be loved like that again so what's the point#and i know cheating is not black and white#and ive already decided shes forgiven#when i knew but hadnt confirmed#but . still#shit#!
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that post about imagining naruto to help you brush your teeth is so me with garl tbh. this has been a straight up harrowing year for me as far as food is concerned but somehow i’m emerging from it with a happier and healthier relationship with cooking and eating than i’ve ever had in my life and if becoming obsessed with a happy little pixel guy who saves the world with a giant loaf of bread helped me get there then right on, grab that pot lid am i right
#took me a couple replays to notice how often garl says Right On. it’s a very endearing catchphrase to me bcs it reminds me of my mom lol#anyway i did some serious improvising in the kitchen tonight and hot damn it turned out pretty good!!!#i've always so badly envied people who can throw together a great meal with whatever they have on hand while low on groceries#probably sounds basic as hell but it's felt like an impossibly lofty goal to me forever and now i just. suddenly kind of Am this person#it's NUTS it's like a fucking switch flipped. sure i'm struggling with some other stuff rn but i'm cooking every day baby. life's okay#[edit omfg i made a typo there. did not mean to say i was 'cooking every baby']#also... lol? this plus posting on bsky about my shiny pokemon sleep quaxly named abba has been my only online activity all day#guess it's Healthy Saturday. wishing everyone who sees this post a Healthy Saturday Night god bless#text posts
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everyone whittled me down and i watched arcane. it was alright
#cherryz txt#i like the art direction more than anything but thats just cus im a freak about that shit u know#if its candy to my eyedbarls i forgive many a sin#idk if it had many problems at all tho it was pretty tight story telling#im not too good at picking apart themes and stuff in media my brain small but i enjoyed the like#throughpoint narratively of letting go or refusing thereof if that makes any damn sense#congrats on the lesbian sex also. & i guess the doomed yaoi#which is so funny to me bcus jayce immediately pegged me as a straightboy . is that just me#like . maybe hes bi but hed defs be in the phase of like .refusing to acknowledge it u know#too busy distracting himself wiht beautiful women to even begin processing his situationship w viktor#idk i think its funny how i was told THERES YAOI!! and yuri! and the focus of the show is the yuri not the yaoi#like ..... its so funny ppl refuse to focus on the women even tho theyre actually so well devolped and more interesting than the men#which is not to say the men are badly written far from it theyre just arguably not the Primary Focus#tho admittedly the primary focus isnt even character based its the overarching story#the characters and their developments basically persist to strengthen the story i feel#which is again not a bad thing in fact its quite lovely. again very tight story telling.#im going on a tangent LOL it was alright in my book! very technically impressive and well thought out#props to all the artists and writers and people working on it#i think it just hasnt gripped me as strongly as it has others and thats entirely a personal thing u know#some things just click and others dont. so it goes!#i am however in jinx's corner now and forever . fuck league of legends tho never touching that shit with a ten foot pole#if u read all these hiiiiiiii ^_^ hi haiii hehee
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Hi! Hi. Guess who's in. Love y'all.
#So I guess I am allowed to post about the plurality without Gail deleting it now#I wish that was a good thing#Anyhow; we've been carouseling!#Gail can't keep a grip on the front for the life of him#Usual state of affairs recently is that he fronts most of the time#And me and Fenn cofront with him periodically#Sometimes we front without him for a bit but not for as long as he can go without us#Frankly Gail's blessed existence is the only reason why we got HoR as polished and published as it is#(I don't think SP is going out on time gang; let's aim for May 2026 should our world not collapse by then)#Current state of affairs is that I'M in charge mostly and fuck damn I don't want it#I want the guy who gets stuff done in or at least the guy who likes to be here#Fenn is not able to make firm grabby hands for the front either which is not usual he's the second most common guy in#And ALABASTER has been showing up#Which happens once in a very blue moon#She's a sweet kid nowadays but how do I address this delicately#I don't want her to have to deal with this because her traditional answer to stress is “what if we stopped existing”#And I want to say that i'm not tempted by her old default solution but FUCK#Don't worry#We will be fine#I just needed to bitch about it a little bit#I'll make it fine#Please help me I'm the “fight or flight” part of us leaning mostly on “fight”#I don't have the necessary skills to outpace slow tigers#Don't haul me out until an actual apocalypse happens
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So fun story, I had been writing something cuz I’m gonna give Sun comfort one way or another
But then my internet died
So the draft is dead as well!
I am incredibly pissed right now :D
#vent#I guess#writing is hard#writing stuff#it was for the scenario I drew yesterday with BM kidnapping Sun (and Solar)#there were some damn good lines there#and now they’re gone#for the most part#I somewhat remember them#still#I am absolutely fucking pissed#tw swearing
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🙈
#I feel. like I get too worried about putting my stuff in the tags LOL#or just too worried about ants in general#but to be fair I've come from some really infested fandoms#where people got reported for this stuff so hard they were removed from the site#idk if tumblr changed it though. maybe they did. where if someone hit a certain number of reports on their account they got removed#whether they were breaking TOS or not#I think that could have been changed because I don't see it happen anymore#but the more I cared about this tumblr acc the more scared of that I got LOL#it's been super peaceful though???#this could just be because I blocked like half the fandom before posting anything here#but I haven't received any hate mail & haven't had any sort of callout like I was expecting#and I guess mallesil isn't really SUPER controversial#it's leaning off the gray area lately but it is still in the gray area#I just feel like I'm cheating with how easy it is to ''get away'' with having HEY I LIKE INCEST front and center on my pinned and all#when I've seen someone get reported off the map for making one singular post saying they don't mind people who ship child characters#and I've just gotten away with posting sooo many mallesil posts in the main tags lately I'm like huh??? Did I ever actually need to worry?#it's kind of embarrassing I guess having several things in my Posts That Do Not Go Into The Main Tags#that I'm just now realizing were probably totally fine to put out there lol#like damn maybe I can just talk about lilia kissing silver with tongue and get away with it????#anyway#while I am on the subject of things I am embarrassed about for no reason#I feel especially bad lately for not posting like ANYTHING about sebek or lilia most of the time lol#I made a point to draw all the twst characters at least once a while ago but I don't think I've actually drawn sebek more than that?#sorry sebek I love you sebek :(#sebesil is such a good ship and I just have absolutely zero passion for it I DON'T KNOW!!! It just isn't there for me!!!#I like it a lot I love all the ship art for it I like seeing it pop up in fics#but if you leave me to my own devices I'm. not going to think about them even a little probably lol...#I do think about mallesebe sometimes though. I wrote about them once for the request. they're so fun they're so awful#and yet. most of the thoughts I have for mallesebe I'm just like hrmmmm this could be mallesil instead#sorry again sebek I love you sebek 😭
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mgsv has so many literary references to books i have essays abt it kind of makes me.
#i'm sick this is my slightly fever-induced thought stream in the rest of the tags sorry ->#all the 1984 stuff is really interesting. the position of both ocelot and kaz as the people running room 101 is really fascinating.#because it somehow manages to place huey in the position of winston while also having venom be in the position of winston.#<- would that make quiet julia? actually yes it does bc of her nature motifs.#and the whole game seems to doublethink of whats real and what isn't. though it starts to tell you what isn't real its still there.#and then with moby dick you have pequod which is just. the ship. and queegueg who is ishmaels friend. which is why its kind of perfect he i#the other pilot we see who takes kaz places. and theres other stuff with him but i don't want to get into that. i could go on for a while.#but whats interesting is that ahab seems to apply more to kaz than it does to venom. esp because his own deception results in his downfall.#whereas that isn't true with venom if youve played mg1 he just kinda keeps going with it to at least some degree.#and i guess kaz is working for foxhound but you know what i mean.#ocelot even being the perfect counterpart to starbuck who works at kaz's side but disagrees with his methods to an extreme.#he isn't of the same morals as starbuck but its just the oppositional character type.#does that mean cipher is moby dick. yes actually bc of the leg thing with kaz. oh my god.#<- funny enough i am actually getting moby dick back out of the library bc i never finished it and its been ages since i read what i did.#i remember the narration being kind of nuts.#honestly the lord of the flies stuff feels less like a reference and more like eli read that book and decided he wanted to do it irl. lol.#i can't say these books are even close to being favorites but i'm intimately familiar with both 1984 and lotf so those are. those.#and moby dick is genuinely just kind of. what in the hell did i experience. theres a lot to unpack.#and i didn't even finish the damn thing.#ok i'm done now i just needed to get that out of my system. now i'm off to read veniss underground. 👍#.txt
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Looking back at your Ask box…
… And realising you have Asks going back at least two years…
Which is a good thing bc I just accidentally found out someone blocked me that I think I only interacted w/ them all of once and I'm not sure why but I might know why and now I feel bad, and…
… Yeah. I'll. Uh. I'll go think about the Asks, maybe.
#Firebird Randomness#there's no real point in pursuing the other thing#I'm guessing it was my 01 melt down think I pushed a lot of people away w/ that one#I was twenty five and it was Covid and I was not in a great place emotionally#in it's own way 01 kept me going but damn did I get emotional about it#I still have pretty much the same opinions although I think I could explain them better now#I'm not stuck living w/ my parents I'm not in one of my most formative ages stuck in a global pandemic#I am constantly exhausted and burned out from work and thinking about going on meds again#I still have executive dysfunction and my social skills are subpar#I care to much and get worked up#I still have anxiety and depression#but I'm almost thirty (twenty nine end of this month!) I'm in a better living spot and I get paid okay#I still have weight and image problems and no motivation#but I don't have scurvy#gotta do my taxes#all in all… Doing okay#I still love Horobi and Fuwa w/ my whole heart#test for whoever reads the tags: who wants to see my merch/display wall???#it's covered in dust and has some Hakuouki and DMC stuff on it as well but I still think it's cool!
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istg I'm losing my mind over the idea of being fucked on someone's cock as they forced me to watch whatever porn they want. I literally have no choice but to get off to it, regardless of how depraved or disgusting it is, and the thought of being used as they fuck up into me and grip my head so I have no choice but to watch whatever they want me to?? like please please please 🥺
#please please please please please#this would fix me#feral barking#ftm nsft#ftm sub#t4t sub#i want to be conditioned like pavlov dog god please ugh#corruption kink#begging for it#ftm breeding#ftm bottom#ftm t4t#trans ftm#ftm puppy#ftm ns/fw#i guess this is stuff i am into now damn
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