#i guess the dynamic of 'this person has been lying about every aspect of their personal lives but their partner still chooses to forgive'

[leo-frognag]

while u were creating sans: into the underverse and pairing all the versions of the same little guy together. i was reading alphys/undyne fics that made me feel as if i had just firsthand witnessed a divorce. we are not the same

[winterisol]

"tenho medo da minha cabeça"

inspired of "Medo do Medo" by O Terno Rosquez AU (BIG ANGST) Warnings death, depression

So this is a really dark idea I've been playing around with for a while involving the whole 2015 divorce.

So the title of this fic literally means "I'm scared of my head" and I would like a fic where it applies to both Vale and Marc in 2015.

I would say by the beginning of 2014 these two are fucking, maybe even dating. Its like those shallow high school relationships, and probably with an unhealthy power dynamic. But over time its clear that those power dynamics are in place, not because Marc is any less than Vale, but is willing to give Vale that power because Marc loves and trust Valentino that much. And maybe that is part of the reason the divorce happens.

Young and emotional Marc giving his heart a little bit too easily V. Valentino Rossi, a man famous for his commitment issues.

Starting with Assen, Valentino begins to doubt Marc, aka being delulu, starting to believe maybe they aren't as buddy buddy as Marc acts in front of the camera. (Though he is really looking for more of an excuse to put distance between them)

Typical 2015 and then bam the Philip Island conference. I think Marc searches Valentino out after the conference, hoping it was all some joke, only for Valentino to be cruel and cutting, maybe poking at some of Marc's biggest insecurities. Perhaps Valentino says Marc is "dangerous" that he's "reckless" but the words that hurt the most is that Marc was "dumb" to "fall in love" and that Valentino "never loved him." (This is categorically untrue but so is a lot of the other BS vale says, so yeah). If I really want to go darker, maybe Valentino even says, that he knew Marc was dangerous the day he crashed out in 2011, you know the crash. The crash that almost killed and ended Marc's whole career.

Anyway, Marc is definitely in his head, but tries to use Sepang as a way to get back at Vale. Just like in IRL, this backfires, Valentino kicking Marc off his bike and the divorce is finalized.

Marc is now completely lost in thoughts, perhaps second guessing every aspect of his relationship with Valentino. I think there are a few incidents leading up to the finale. There is of course journalists trying to break into Marc's family home. People yelling things at him on track, at the paddock even at the airport. He has security to following him constantly, and everything is a lot. But I think Valencia is where shit truly hits the fan.

It's suppose to be a home race for Marc, a race in his country, Spain. But even here, he's jeered, people abuse him and it feels like no matter where he goes, no on likes him, because no one is greater than Valentino Rossi.

Following the end of the season Marc falls into a depressive rut not even his mother or brother can drag him out of. He feels lost and not in control, which only panics and depresses him more (another control freak). It's like a negative feedback loop, and he just wallows for weeks.

Then finally, for some reason, maybe it's after Alex cries begging his brother to be happy again, Marc tries to go about life again. But he's an empty husk, just going through the motions of a person who no longer exists.

Perhaps its at the beginning year test in Sepang. Marc is riding, and even while riding the thoughts seem to not go away. Perhaps he loses focus because of the biting feelings of depression, or even worse he's silently wishing to just die already. Either way, he crashes, letting the front slide and the rear lift, throwing him head first into the tarmac.

I think Marc passes away basically on impact (idk how realistic it is with these types of crashes). Perhaps there is a mistake with the medic team, pre-season testing and everything leading to the correct safety measure not being taken. He's basically lying there on circuit, slowly dying, brain turning fog, but his last thought is that he's thankful for the reprise (ouch).

His death is obviously a shock to the whole motorsport world. A young talent, the youngest motoGP world champion, the baby alien, a kid with so much more to live for. gone.

Then in Marc's motorhome as Alex's goes to sob on his brother's bed, he sees a series of papers. Marc wrote notes to him, his parents, his friends but also Jorge, Dani and Valentino. (These notes are NOT suicide notes, more like Marc trying to collect his thoughts, and doing it as letters to people he cares/cared about bcuz its easier that way. These notes were never intended to see the light of day)

Alex is obviously inconsolable, reading through it, realizing its less of a note to him, but a confession. Marc venting all his dark thoughts through a message to his younger brother, thinking that Alex would never find or hear these thoughts.

Then there are the letters to Dani, Jorge and Valentino.

These letters are apologies, Marc overthinking every mistake, trying to rationalize the reason for his loneliness.

Dani reads it and feels like a failure. Not being a good enough teammate, a good enough mentor, a good enough friend for Marc, who's only goal in life was to win and enjoy winning.

Jorge is furious at first, storming towards Valentino and yelling bloody murder, before throwing Vale's note at him. Jorge feeling guilty that he secondhandly caused the divorce.

And then Vale, is a mess. In every sense of the word, he almost withdraws from the first race of the season because of how messed up everything is. He feels, guilt, loss, despair but also an indescrible amount of regret. Not only is Marc dead, but they ended on such horrible terms. Valentino not only lost the love of his life, but let the love of his life believe that he was unlovable.

I think it takes the combined effort of Vale's friends (yes even Uccio) as well as a reconciliation with the Marquez family to make Valentino feel even remotely human again.

It's slow, and perhaps it ends with Valentino creating a small monument for Marc in his Ranch, which every February 17 at 12:00 AM he leaves a bouquet of forgetmenots and daisies.

[punkeropercyjackson]

The entitlement Batfanon stans have towards Jason is legit the thing that angers me the most about his treatment.Girl,you do not get to speak on him when you know literally nothing about him except that you judged the book by it's cover like an elementary schooler who watches South Park-All you've ever done is ruin his character in the writing aspect and ruined him for other DC fans who used to like him or even couldn't get to give him a chance because you got to them first

If the only Jason content you'll consume is smut or woobification or bamfification,then guess what:That's not Jason.He's so unhorny he might be full-on asexual,hates being coddled because he's a grown ass man so he wants to be treated like it and does not give two shits about other characters powers.I discovered Jason's existense through Under The Red Hood playing on tv in 2019 and liked him enough from the bits i caught to watch it completely by pirating website.It completely unironically and wholeheartedly made me fall in love with him which lead to me discovered selfshipping properly and after a bit of settling into the fandom,i got to reading his comics as i needed more of him

Five years later,i've read every single issue he's ever appeared in and watched and played almost all his adaptions.I didn't intend to but with DC becoming my special interest and comfort franchise,i just did it all subcounciously and naturally i also branched out,although i focus on the Superfam as i selfship with them as strongly as i do him but familialy.And let me tell,it's awful and shocking to watch the below zero care y'all have for Jason.NO inclusion of his extremely good and refreshing personality and tragic yet touching pre-reboot history and mostly on-point designs and absolutely iconic relathionships in favor of turning him into the most boring,basic,unathentic,OFFENSIVE white cishet abled conventionally attractive man ever.Talia means nothing to you,neither does Duke,neither does Stephanie,neither do Catherine and Willis and Nocturna,neither do Rose and Artemis and Dana aka the three WOMEN OF COLOR Jason has been in love with and rejected white girls for and the only reason Damian and Dick get to mean something to him is that you can pretend they're white and even worse in Damian's case,GROWN so you can be a fucking pedophile as if Jason didn't kill a teacher for csa'ing one of his student's and is vocally anti-sa multiple times

Y'know what else he's expressed multiple times,nonstop actually?Being unhappy having Roy and Kory as his teammates as he finds them insuffarable,as he fuckin' should because he deserved an ACTUAL run,not Red Hood and The Caricatures by local bigot supreme Scott Lobdell.Jason openly shows distate at having to put up with the EXACT stereotypes y'all built Batfanon on yet you act like you're doing for his sake and that's just loser behavior.Loser behavior is also lying about him liking Tim and not Batcest,i mean neither of them could ever stand eachother's asses pre-N52 and we're lied to about their dynamic in it too seeing as we're never shown the so called closeness between them.What y'all want for Tim and Jason is what we HAVE for DUKE and Jason.I've seen more hate for Talia for That Lost Days scene that Morrison said was ooc to write than i have critisism for alarmingly high amount of Slade/Jason shipping aka white male privilege the DC ship.Stephanie is his bimbo sidekick or has some weirdass d.dlg shit with him depending on what kind of stan we're dealing with,you ADD ON the the classist propaganda in Los Todd's writing by making them abusive monsters when even canon didn't go that far,you don't even know Nocturna exists but make Jason Dent or whatever it's called aus and you without a hint of irony trash on Jayrose Jaytemis and Jaydana because ewww het!!! in the same breath you gush about how Jason is an afrolatino king to you

Y'all are sick for all this!!Like actually and the temper tantrums you throw when you're told by Jason fans who're rightfully upset at how badly you treat him are only convincing us further you don't deserve him.He deserves better than og Rhato and having his misfit traits taken away and not be truly potrayed as an afrolatino man when he'd make a perfect one.He deserves to be Jason Todd.He's not Jaybird or Stray or Wonder Boy or an orientalist excuse of an Al-Ghul/son of Lady Shiva or whatever corny ass mantles M.aribats and DPDC's popularized for him.He's Jason Todd,2nd Robin,Red Hood,Jaylad,Little Wing,Duke Thomas' Robin,Talia Al-Ghul's son,Stephanie Brown's boyloser older brother figure,Willis and Catherine Todd's son too and Rose Wilson's and Artemis Grace's and Dana Harlowe's boyfriend.I know him better than anyone else and i can walk the walk but y'all can't do anything but talk bullshit because you trippin' poser style

[slimeywooper]

Labmas AU - Unintended Consequences

Chapter 8 - Meeting: Notes

It's best to read the story first before reading these as there's definitely going to be spoilers.

Kudari can easily smell Reader, but he is initially so excited to have some batteries that he doesn't notice how close they really are. The goal of shutting down the laboratory was to meet Reader, but he couldn't help himself when presented with the opportunity of having batteries. So he grabbed some and went into an open room to drain the electricity. He's not actually eating them, but biting into them. When Kudari notices Reader crouching in the room, he loses interest in the batteries, since the person he wants to meet is right there.

The friends that helped Kudari are the Joltik. Not the ones being held in the kennels, but every free Joltik throughout Plasma headquarters. He told a few of them the plan, and they spread the word. Kudari is a very animated character. I will try to describe the movements he makes, but sometimes I might not be able to because, more often than not, he's constantly moving. I don't want to interrupt every sentence with all the little movements I imagine him doing during the dialogue segments.

This is our first glimpse at the dynamic between Nobori and Kudari and it's not pretty. But it is only one aspect of their relationship, and it happens after an emotionally charged event. Add in Colress, and it's a ticking time bomb. Nobori has been dealing with the chaos for so long he's learned to ignore it for the most part.

Reader finds themself in the personal suite. Colress mentions it in chapter 3, but doesn't name the room, just explains that it has a bed for any researcher staying over night. I hope I was able to imply this in the prior chapters, as well as this one, but Kudari is correct that Colress was lying about introducing him to Reader. Reader has no clue that Colress has been telling Kudari that they will meet, as Reader has actually been led to believe the exact opposite.

I know Ghost Pokemon can lay eggs in the games, but I couldn't envision a Ghost hybrid being able to have children. I guess my logic is that the human half is living and the Pokemon half, though not necessarily "dead," is heavily tied to the world beyond our own. Kudari, however, is capable of having children.

The spirits that Nobori interacts with, at least the ones that he can see, don't appear deformed or bloody like in "The Sixth Sense." They resemble how the person looked in life. I recall reading somewhere, probably from someone's near death experience, that people in the afterlife can take on the form they had when they were at their happiest in life. That's how Nobori sees them. Now, they don't appear as clearly as if they were living, he doesn't see them in color, more of a gray scale. But he can make out their shape and facial features.

I will go ahead and spoil that N is not in this story. The line about meeting someone that can talk to Pokemon is just a joke. Sorry N fans. Kudari can speak with Joltik and Galvantula, and Nobori can speak with the Litwick evolutionary line. But every other Pokemon language is incomprehensible to them. They can, however, understand the intent behind the different cries, like if the Pokemon is angry or scared.

Reader is surprised when told by Nobori that Kudari would not like to be watched by him. Though Colress already revealed the hybrids had fought in the past, Reader is under the impression from the way Nobori speaks about Kudari that they are currently, and usually, on good terms. We see this isn't necessarily the case.

[hms-no-fun]

our question boils down to, “has there been an intentional plural archetyping going on in June’s system?”, but with this addendum for context. we’ve been doing a lot of reading about “Gatekeeper” archetypes, and X seems to have a lot of those characteristics. so we’re curious how much of that had more to do with the incidental outcome of writing a character like them / if at any point it wasn’t intentioned, but then became intentioned / other. really curious about the evolution of the process 💜

the short answer is no. the long answer is also no, but i’m gonna say more anyway.

i haven’t talked much about my own relationship with plurality. there’s a variety of reasons, but one of the big ones is that i’ve been afraid to expose the various pieces of myself to the world lest folks decide that i’m doing it wrong or that i fall into some kind of toxic dynamic or, worse, that by virtue of talking about my own plurality in public, that makes me some kind of expert or “community leader” in the eyes of folks outside hs/plural circles. maybe this seems like a self-absorbed sentiment, but it already happened to me once with being a trans woman! i don’t like it when folks project their morals onto what they think they know about me, because i simply cannot live up to them. i’m too bitchy, too angry, too full of opinionated snark, and the story i want to tell with godfeels 3.2 is one that will skirt dangerously close to a lot of potentially problematic subjects. no matter how careful i am, it’s only a matter of time before i say or do something that pisses the wrong people off. again, it’s happened before. and i just don’t want any aspect of my plurality to be part of whatever that conversation/dogpile ends up being (because let’s be real, folks are NOT normal about plurality in most spaces and are really eager to use it as proof of one’s antisocial derangement).

with that out of the way, i’m gonna talk a little bit about my own plurality here, because it’s relevant.

i said in my post announcing june’s canonical plurality that my hesitation in embracing it was partially because of my hesitation embracing my own plurality. i knew people in high school who were plural (though that term didn’t really exist yet afaik), and i mostly found them obnoxious and cringe. i never said anything mean to them or mocked them out loud, and in fact one of my best friends at the time had a woman in his head for a while... wow, damn, i forgot about this actually, me and her talked a lot back then, i was there with her when she decided to stop existing and i guess reunified with my friend? and i said for years after, “i think most people are lying about DID/multiple personalities but i know at least one person it was real for.” you know, i bet i believed him and disbelieved everyone else because “everyone else” were women lmao. god i was such an asshole

anyway uh, my judgmental nature throughout my teens and twenties came out of being a closeted autistic trans woman who worked VERY hard to understand what “normal” is for the in-group i was told to be part of (ie gamer bros and jocks). this shit got really fucking deep into my head, and i spent maybe four or five years just actively trying to not be like that anymore. and i’m still finding leftover bad habits and bad takes every day lmao. this is why it took me until 27 to realize i was trans, and until 31 to realize i was plural. turns out the people you most harshly judge, especially in your twenties, quite often are the people who remind you most of yourself! in my experience, anyway.

so, okay. when i decided to take June’s plurality seriously is around the time i decided to take my own plurality seriously, and so June’s system and my system are uniquely intertwined. i deliberately avoided learning the terminology before writing the Dirk and Risk/Dare chapters because i didn’t want the defined archetypal tendencies to override any given character’s personality. if i’d known what a “persecutor” was, for instance, i can see myself having made a lot of different choices about both Angel Dirk and X.

one of my headmates is, i guess, technically an ex-persecutor by definition? but that’s never how i saw her, really, and i think if i’d started from a place of learning other people’s models of plurality i might not have been so open to the mea culpa we had which finally forced me to accept her and my other headmates as real. they’d been piping up more and more as gf3.1 went on, and it scared me. if i’d known more, known that there existed a defined archetypal dynamic for our relationship (including a multitude of different but equally bad suggestions re: what to do about it) i might have let that fear lead me to treating them even worse than i already did. but maybe not! these things are impossible to know. my experience with first questioning my gender, however, was that the prevailing models of transness simply did not fit with my experience- so i anticipated that the same would likely hold true of my plurality in that i needed to engage with it on my own terms and find out what it meant for me, rather than understanding it as a scientific or sociological phenomenon. setting aside what i thought was “real” and what i could or couldn’t “prove” in favor of just feeling it out.

so here’s the thing. my experience of plurality is fluid, blended, and often ambiguous. it’s rare for anyone but “me”, sarah, to front, and when they do i’m still never quite gone. during the hell of the last four months, when we were applying to apartments left and right, i had such a nervous breakdown that my ex-persecutor did in fact take over for a couple days. but it’s not like i don’t remember doing what she did. so naturally there’s a part of me that’s always like, is this actually real? or is this just an idea i’m using to help me survive?? ultimately i’ve decided that the answer doesn’t really matter. whatever it is, it works for me. and it turns out my headmates give good advice sometimes! who knew

what i wanted with June’s system was to imagine plurality as fueled by the infinite creative power over reality inherent to her retcon powers. it is, in a lot of ways, a vision of my “ideal” plurality, one in which every member has complete independence yet is inextricably connected, where anyone can front and anyone can recede into obscurity as they desire, and where “headspace” as such is a field of endless creative and metaphorical possibility. from there, i wanted to give all four of them the chance to define their own personalities independent of whatever role they might play in the system archetypally-speaking. and i think the result of this is a group of characters who clearly constitute pieces of a whole, but in such a way that shows the “whole” is not lesser for being quadfurcated. it is, in fact, far stronger for its diversity of selves!

to bring all of this together, the whole point of going about June’s plurality (and mine) in this way was to avoid inadvertently medicalizing her system. i’m not particularly interested in plurality as a “condition” in the clinical psychology sense. i think some writers, when they actively choose to write someone as part of a marginalized identity they aren't themselves a part of or educated about, can take their supposed responsibility to create “good representation” far too seriously and too literally. good representation doesn’t try to be good representation, it just is. a plural person is not only a plural person, same as a trans person is not only a trans person. when writers TRY to make an interesting character with DID, for instance, they almost always fall into the trap of exclusively relying on medical literature without ever really questioning whether the medical establishment knows what the fuck it’s talking about, without seemingly any awareness of just how deliberately the DSM is positioned as a first and foremost capitalist psychological framework. they’re so obsessed with getting it “right” in some objective sense that they end up completely showing their ass over it, because there is simply no facet of human identity which can be objectively isolated and quantified with 100% accuracy. i will take a dozen poorly researched portrayals that treat their protagonist’s internal reality with empathy and respect over a “representative” homunculus defined solely by how their “condition” impacts their ability to function in normal society and how that’s really sad and tragic or maybe it’s very funny and silly but what it never is is just one character trait among many. it’s never a locus for examining unjust marginalization; in most contemporary narratives on the subject of plurality, even empathetic ones, their marginalization is a matter of safety that is ultimately as good for the marginalized as it is for everyone around them. attempts at "good representation" only ever seem to result in representation that is palatable for its intended audience of cishet neurotypical white people.

so, no, i didn’t do any intentional plural archetyping with June’s system, because i wanted these characters to show me who they were on their own terms, and because godfeels as a narrative is opposed to the tyranny of imposed archetypes (whether cultural or macrocosmic). but also, it’s kinda cool that they fit some broad archetypes anyway! that, to me, is evidence that i probably made the right call in taking this approach.

[normal-thoughts-official]

I would have loved to see more interactions with the seelies- people who can’t lie but are crafty and secretive sounds fascinating. Think of the dialog! Alec going to magnus for advice since he has centuries of experience talking to them, Alec playing mental chess while trying to maintain peace. Would have loved getting more- but let’s be real, Cassaundra and the show writers weren’t clever enough to actually make any conversations like that of value.

SAME!!!!! honestly i would have loved to see so much more of the seelies. like bro do you understand that their culture predates the VERY EXISTENCE OF HUMANITY??? they are the ONLY kind of downworlders whose culture is completely detached from any human culture, not only because of predating it, but also because of the relative isolationism - which means human culture barely had any influence on their culture and history AS it developed

so like you can literally go fucking bonkers??????????? you can make ANYTHING. they have a whole ass society that doesn't have to have ANY ties to mundane concepts or history AT ALL. complete creative freedom. you could do ANYTHING! and don't get me started on the potential this has, within storytelling, to contextualize a lot of stuff modern western culture sees as natural or timeless as actually pretty fucking specific - like monogamy, cisheteropatriarchy, the gender binary, racism. all immortals have that potential of course since they can come from an array of different cultural and historical backgrounds but seelies in particular have SO much potential that is NEVER! FUCKING! USED! it all goes to waste and they are just a generic vaguely monarchic society that behaves literally exactly as modern western cultural standards. WHY. i'll never stop being salty, especially within sh where all this potential was there and instead they just villainized the seelies like no tomorrow for nO FUCKING REASON, and included a whole plotline about their ruler being a terrible power-hungry person and then proceeded to act as if that would have no influence on the seelies under her rule? thanks for nothing

like i know the seelie queen was so badly written that her own motivations even as a power-hungry wacko didn't make sense or were consistent (like why give simon the mark of cain for example, and for god's sake what kind of power-hungry crazy bitch gives their main enemy the power to literally kill her and destroy everything she has at the blink of an eye, like??? she literally tried to assist in her own genocide, it makes no fucking sense, i fucking hate it here) but if they are going to make her Terrible the least they could do was show how that impacted the people under her rule, especially if they are going to have meliorn be fucking tortured and either forced to display the marks of said torture or choosing to display them themself, like? please give your plotlines one singular thought

but of course it's easier to villainize seelies and reduce them to their obviously tyrannical ruler so they can go back to focusing on the shadowhunters and their issues. nevermind the fact that seelies are obviously equivalent to native ppls/third world countries resisting colonialism/imperialism in sh's stupid ass racial metaphor, which makes making their ruler a big bad unequivocally evil villain that is ruining everything A Choice. and a particularly choicy Choice considering they cast a middle-eastern man to play the most important seelie character. but if they are going to do that they could at least address how the people under her rule suffer and how that's a direct consequence of shadowhunter colonialism and interference, but why would we fkcnig thdo that!!!! when we can have love triangle drama or whatever

and tHEN there is the whole aspect of being unable to lie which is bound to have such an impact on their culture and history since they have to rely on other forms of communication to protect themselves - and considering the whole "tyrannical rule" plotline, to further the queen's agenda in the first place. and how telling the truth without preamble would probably be considered a huge display of trust in a society that has culturally developed so many ways of talking around things. like again the potential of the cultural and historic background for that society! it makes me go insane!!!

anyway all of that to say #JusticeForSeelies and #SeeliePlotlinesNow 2021 and forever. and YES i would have loved to see more interactions between them and other characters, particularly magnus because 1- admittedly i'm a hoe; and 2- magnus was clearly the one that had the most experience talking to seelies and that others relied on for that communication. he also seemed to be the most comfortable with them, which indicates there is either some sort of history there, or magnus just happens to feel relatively at home with the workings of their culture. which makes sense, because magnus also had to develop pretty similar defense mechanisms due to his, A- work as a warlock representative who has to interact with shadowhunters on the regular; B- history with having to deal with asmodeus, which required him to be very smart about what he disclosed and how, especially considering that he had to have been planning banishing asmodeus for a long time before he got to do it; and C- just history with abuse in general. we've seen the way he closed his heart off to new people; but at the same time, magnus is obviously an extrovert and likes to be around people in general. this meant that, in order to be able to both be in the kind of environment where he thrives and protect himself/his heart/his feelings, he had to learn how to interact with people while putting on a convincing façade, which requires pretty much the same sorts of wordplay and defense mechanisms that seelies use

magnus is good at wordplay, he's good at using talking to his benefit; we've seen that. he is also good at hiding and deflecting. he is notably not good at directly lying - every time he directly said A Lie such as "i am perfectly fine and not bothered by this at all :)" it was way less convincing than it was a clear display that he wouldn't budge. even alec, who has difficulty with social cues, noticed the lying and seemed concerned about it. so like. clearly his defense mechanisms were less lying and more dancing around subjects, directing conversation to safe topics, and guiding people to making certain assumptions and seeing sides of his that were safer and he preferred

so in that way it makes sense that magnus is somewhat in his element when dealing with seelies. i think "comfortable" is a strong word because this whole song and dance takes a huge toll on anyone's mental health and energy (which i think is something that could be very interestingly explored in seelies, their collective psyche, and their culture, the way they build relationships, etc. let meliorn have partners they feel 100% comfortable talking without preamble with 2k21), but it's something he is used to and a dynamic he can fall into without as much effort as others who would be second guessing themselves more and going slower, which clearly gives the seelies, who are used to it, an advantage

and like i know that i'm implying a confrontation or sort of situation where they are on opposing sides to seelies here, which i kind of am because i am thinking mostly about magnus' interactions with the seelie queen specifically, since she was the seelie he had the most meaningful interactions with. his interactions with meliorn were very few and almost never relevant, i barely remember them happening outside of generic downworld cabinet interactions tbh. but i don't just mean that because again, stop villainizing seelies 2k21

i also mean just generally that magnus would be in a more comfortable position talking to seelie strangers and slowly working into building a relationship and mutual trust. and just generally understanding them and the workings of their culture because he can empathize with the way they have built their social defense mechanisms. no one is 100% truthful to strangers, but seelies always seem kind of- analytical. and the cultural difference + anti-seelie racism makes them seem untrustworthy to most people, but magnus Gets It, so the potential for friendships! and the mutual understanding and the relative comfort around each other! and both parts understanding the enormity that is letting their walls down gradually and being more direct as time goes by. like.... aaaaaa

and yes magnus becomes a sort of reference on talking to seelies, mostly because he is good at "playing their game", but also making it a point to humanize seelies and making the other parts understand where they are coming from and how they feel :) and just improving their relations, particularly with other downworlders

im not going to get into alec because 1- the relationship between shadowhunters and seelies is already filled with oppression and a lot of complications, and particularly now that the seelie realm is politically fragile due to the loss of their ruler (however terrible she might have been), it would play into either white savior narratives or just straight up colonialism, especially given how alec as a leader already has a history of trying to build tutelage over downworlders (i don't care what his intentions were, it's still true, and although he's learning... well. he's learning, continuous action); 2- that would be more a relationship of opposition and i'm not that interested in that. but i would love to see seelies rebuilding themselves and their relationships and alliances with other downworlders particularly, and all the better if magnus is playing a part in that :)

in short:

more seelies

more magnus with seelies, especially friendships

more focus on the politics of seelies now that the seelie queen is gone

more seelies

more seelies

more seelies

[witcher-and-his-bard-archive]

For the kink ask - a/b/o?

I love your style and would really like to read your take on it (the pairing doesn't matter to me, though if you feel Eskel for this, I wouldn't be opposed 👀)

If it's not your thing that's of course alright too, then I'm just sending some love ❤

Thanks for the prompt, anon! 💖 I took this and ran, but I had a lot of fun with it. I have a feeling this isn’t exactly what you were thinking but I’m not personally into the a/b/o dynamics, so I messed around with it a bit and present to you: Eskel goes into heat during the full moon, when Geralt finds out he’s more than happy to get him through it. cw for dry sex, come as lube, and a whole lot of self-shame surrounding Eskel’s heat

After so many years on the path, time sort of ceases to exist. Most Witchers have some sense of time (the seasons continue to pass and their memories keep them from forgetting much) but Eskel has always been particularly fastidious about paying attention to the time of year, the time of the month. Unlike most of his brothers, he can tell you exactly how far away they are from the next full moon at any given time. When they were kids, it was an amusing trick for the other boys; they would all make guesses and whoever was the closest to Eskel's prediction would be able to hand off his chores to someone else. For them, it was a game, but for Eskel it was a necessity, knowing when the next full moon would come so he could seclude himself for the night.

No one else knows what happens to him during a full moon - if they did, they'd probably suspect some sort of lycanthropy and who knows what would happen to him then. But it's not like that. Eskel doesn't transform in the light of the full moon (although some days, he would prefer that), but suffers through unending, unquenchable lust. By the time most of the other boys were only starting to discover sexuality, Eskel had already been sneaking out of the keep at night to keep his secret from being found out.

And he got very good at it. For years, he managed to keep his secret and his sneaking around secret even from his closest friends. Which is why, a few weeks before they're supposed to be setting out on their own for the first time, Eskel is relieved. He no longer has to worry about lying or sneaking around or keeping things from his peers and advisors. Just a few more weeks and he'll be free. But, like everything in his life so far, it's not as easy as that. Two nights before he's due to leave Kaer Morhen, the moon is full.

Eskel works himself up to it, preparing his escape in advance as he does more frequently these days. The once-clumsy boys who grew up with are now strong men with proper control of their senses and escaping is not so simple as it once was. But he makes it out of the keep without any trouble. He's had to use axii on another boy more than once and he feels terrible about it even now, so getting out clean is the most favourable option. But once he gets off the grounds, he has a bigger problem facing him.

Over the years, Eskel has tried everything. At first, he tried ignoring it all night, but when that proved maddening, he'd give in to every whim but that was exhausting and painful after a couple of hours. His newest method seems to work the best: staving it off for as long as possible and then, once he's made himself come, sleep for as long as he can manage before the need creeps up on him again. It doesn't always work and a lot of the time, his own hand isn't enough to satisfy the need, but it's better than his other options.

Tonight is bad. Bad enough that he doesn't think he'll make it to the watchtower before giving in, but he grits his teeth and pushes forward. The longer he holds out, the better the night will be for him.

He makes it up to the watchtower and settles himself on the ground, leaning back against the wall with his hands clenched at his sides. His cock is already hard and aching, pressed firmly against the front of his trousers, and he refuses to look down, but he can feel the wet patch forming in the cloth.

Even after all these years, it's embarrassing to be like this. His entire life he's been trained to have control over every aspect of his body and yet, he still can't control this. His only solace is that no one has ever found out about it and he doesn't have to bear the humiliation of anyone seeing him like this.

Then, of course, that too fails. He doesn't hear the footfalls until it's too late to hide.

Eskel's breath catches and he's so overcome with terror that for a moment, he's totally numb to the need coursing through him. All he has time to do is pull his knees up before he catches a scent on the breeze.

Fuck. Geralt. Why does it have to be Geralt?

Of all the pupils and all the mentors in the keep, the very last person he wants to know about this is Geralt. As long as Eskel can remember, he's been closer to Geralt than anyone; they were friends from the day they arrived, but Eskel had grown overly fond of Geralt over the years. If there was ever anyone he might tell about his situation, it's Geralt, but Eskel's feelings for the other man get in the way every time. He doesn't anticipate anything ever happening between them, but he knows Geralt finding out would ensure nothing ever does.

A million things run through his head at once, but he knows it's already too late. If Geralt followed his scent, there's no way he could avoid noticing the arousal wound through it and Eskel knows he smells different during the moon than he does any other time. He should tell Geralt to leave him alone, tell him to turn back before he gets too close, but his voice isn't cooperating.

Feeling lost and hopeless, Eskel drops his head to his knees and grits his teeth. Having an audience isn't going to deter the feelings and he's hit by an overwhelming wave of humiliation as he imagines having to get through this while someone watches. Realistically, he knows Geralt wouldn't, that he would give him space, but he also knows that if Geralt knows something is wrong, he won't just leave him alone. Normally, it's one of the things he loves most about Geralt, his absolute devotion and protection of those he cares about, but tonight it's not working in Eskel's favour.

He's so caught up in pushing back the arousal, that Eskel doesn't realize when Geralt is sitting right in front of him. He's speaking, but Eskel can't understand through the blood rushing in his ears. It's not until Geralt touches him that Eskel's focus snaps into place and it takes all his strength to keep from shoving Geralt back against the ground.

"Go away," he rumbles and Geralt does exactly the opposite.

"What's wrong?"

"Geralt, just go." The ache is getting stronger now and Eskel is sorely tempted to rub himself off through his trousers. He thinks he could do it without Geralt catching on too quickly, but the longer he thinks about it, the stronger the feeling gets and he chokes on a moan as he shifts and his trousers rub against his sensitive cock. It's almost enough for him to come just like that, but he manages to hold back, some horrible combination of shame and disgust holding him back.

"Eskel-"

"Go," he says but his voice shakes and it's so hard to keep himself steady.

The thought of asking Geralt for help worms his way into his mind and he's so overwhelmed fighting against that and the urge to touch and the scalding humiliation burning up the back of his neck. Before Eskel can stop him, Geralt crawls forward, kneeling before Eskel.

"Tell me what you need," he breathes and Eskel is so tired of fighting. He whimpers and he doesn't want to ask for help, doesn't want to show weakness in front of another witcher, but he whines out a desperate please and Geralt doesn't hesitate.

"Let's get you out of this," he whispers, leaning in to tug Eskel's shirt up over his head. Immediately, the cold stone feels good against his back, but then Geralt is pressing between his legs and another rush of heat sears through him. "Come on, Es, let me get you out of these clothes."

Reluctantly, Eskel slips down, allowing Geralt the space he needs to tug his trousers down over his hips. He hisses as the cold air hits his cock, but there's a spike of arousal from Geralt and everything else is forgotten. Eskel reaches for him instinctively and Geralt settles next to him, pressing up against his side.

"Can I?" Geralt asks and when Eskel nods, he slides a hand down his stomach. Eskel is already thrusting up to meet him before Geralt even touches his cock. He hates himself for it, but Geralt just hums softly, winding his fingers around the base of him like it’s nothing.

Geralt barely even has to do anything because Eskel can't keep himself from thrusting up against him, grinding into the tunnel of Geralt's fist. He comes too quickly, spilling all over Geralt's hand and his own stomach and he's barely over the rush of his orgasm before the shame sets in again.

"Hey," Geralt huffs, "don't you dare." He presses right up against his side, pressing his nose into Eskel's neck. "You always helped me," he whispers, "let me help you."

Eskel's erection hasn't subsided in the slightest and he nearly cries out when Geralt touches him again. Geralt is slow and gentle and Eskel has to hold back from fucking up against him hard. It does feel better than on his own hand, but it's still not going to get him through the night; already, even the stroke of Geralt's hand is feeling less and less satisfying.

Eskel squirms under Geralt's touch, desperate for a firmer touch, for something more but he fights against it. He knows he has to slow this down because he knows how he inevitably winds up and he can't ask Geralt for that and he doesn't want Geralt seeing him do it to himself. He gets a hand around Geralt's wrist, trying to keep him from moving too quickly and when Geralt shifts, his cock presses into Eskel's hip and he's hard. Geralt squeezes around the head of Eskel's cock reflexively and that's all it takes to push Eskel over the edge again.

He throws an arm over his face, but when he comes down this time, Geralt moves his arm, looking down at him. His eyes are dark and Eskel can smell the lust rolling off of him now, but Eskel knows well enough that it's just a natural reaction. Geralt wouldn't want him in any other situation. But Geralt's chest is heaving and he looks so fucking nervous, looking anywhere but at Eskel's eyes.

"Can I-" he whispers, "I just- could I... kiss you?"

"Why?"

Geralt looks taken aback. "Because I... want to?"

Eskel opens his mouth to ask why again, but Geralt shifts to straddle his hips and he's struck dumb. He nods and Geralt leans down over him, barely brushing his lips against Eskel's before kissing him properly. Immediately, Eskel draws him closer, wrapping his arms around Geralt's neck and pulling him down to him. He doesn't have the strength to hold back, pushing his tongue between Geralt's lips and rocking up against him. If Geralt is hesitant, he doesn't show it.

He presses against him, rolling his hips in low, languid motions and while Eskel is currently in favour of quick, harsh movements, he finds himself lost in the movement of Geralt's body against his own. He arches off the ground, grasps at Geralt's neck and shoulders, moaning desperately into his mouth. He's never had someone with him for this, never even considered finding his release in someone else and for the first time in years it feels good.

Geralt shoves a hand between them without breaking the kiss, shoving at his trousers until he can pull his own cock free. He shifts to align himself with Eskel, using his hand as a guide to keep them pressed together as he rocks his hips a little harder. His breath is hot against Eskel's skin and the little gasps and moans that drop from his lips are almost enough to make Eskel think he could want this too.

Then, as Eskel is arching against him, Geralt's thumb slips up under the head of his cock and Eskel comes with a shout, breaking the kiss and pressing his forehead to Geralt's. He's only vaguely aware of Geralt grunting and then he collapses onto his chest.

Geralt has a hand wrapped around his side, brushing his thumb against Eskel's skin and it's the only thing that keeps him from getting up and running away immediately. Because a friendly hand is one thing but this was... more. He can hear his own pulse rise and he tries to slow it, evidently not quickly enough. Geralt nuzzles under his jaw, shushing him.

"'M not gonna go anywhere," he mumbles. "You didn't ever leave me."

Geralt shifts to the side and curls up around Eskel, running a soothing hand up his leg. It proves more than Eskel's hypersensitive body can handle and it's only a few minutes before he's hard again. He holds out as long as he can, focusing on Geralt's soft touches instead of the want coursing through him, but it's not enough to keep it at bay.

He smells more than feels when his cock leaks against his skin and he groans knowing that Geralt can smell it too.

"Fuck," Geralt mumbles, "it really is bad, isn't it?"

Eskel just groans in response but Geralt is already moving, rising to his knees again and kissing Eskel's chest. He's disgusting; sweaty and covered in dried come, but Geralt seems unconcerned as he makes his way down to the smear of pre-come above Eskel’s hip. He wraps his lips around the head of Eskel's cock and that's the end of coherent thought. All Eskel can even think about is the wet heat of Geralt's mouth around him, sucking hard and sinking down on him. He runs his fingers through Geralt's hair, gripping and tugging when his cock hits the back of Geralt's throat.

He comes startlingly quickly like this and Geralt follows almost immediately, jerking himself between Eskel's thighs.

The next hour passes in much the same way. Eskel holds out as long as he possibly can, but Geralt catches it every time. He licks and sucks and strokes and even gets his fingers into him and it's good. It's the best he's ever had if he's honest, but inevitably, it's not good enough. He's not oblivious to his body's needs, but usually fingering himself is enough to get him through the remainder of the night.

Geralt has three fingers in him and his mouth around Eskel's cock when he sighs and withdraws, sitting back up and running his hands up Eskel's thighs.

"It's not helping anymore, is it?"

Eskel groans and shakes his head, dropping it back against the ground. He stares up at the crumbled floor above him and wonders if he can hold out till morning, but Geralt is already moving. He shifts up close and he's naked now, bare skin pressed right against Eskel's and it's overwhelming and not enough. He can feel Geralt's cock against his hip and he's still hard, but Eskel doesn't have the energy to help him out. He shuts his eyes with a groan and he's contemplating sending Geralt back to the keep rather than face the alternative, but Geralt interrupts his thoughts with a kiss to his hip.

"It's okay," he whispers, "we'll figure it out."

Eskel knows they won't. He knows at this point there are only two things that will get them through the remaining hour or so until dawn. He's never tried fucking someone or letting someone fuck him, but he knows nothing else is going to work. If Geralt can't get him off, it's the only option. He can't say it though, so he just grumbles and shifts to try and get comfortable.

"I could... if you want you could fuck me?" Geralt offers.

Eskel lets out a helpless laugh. He lifts himself as well as he can manage and offers a hopeless grin at Geralt.

"I'm exhausted," he huffs, "I can barely sit up." It's not strictly a no, but it's not a yes either and he waits for Geralt's response. Geralt doesn't say anything, but he crawls up over him so he's straddling Eskel's hips.

"What if you didn't have to do anything?" Geralt takes himself in hand, stroking his cock where Eskel can't help but watch him. His own cock twitches with genuine arousal and Geralt rocks back against him.

"Geralt," Eskel chokes and Geralt just leans down over him, nuzzling into his neck.

"It's okay," he whispers, "I want to. I- I've thought about it before." That certainly catches Eskel's attention.

"What?"

"I-" Geralt ducks his head and Eskel can see just the fainted dusting of red across his cheeks. "I think about you sometimes."

"Not like this, though."

"No," Geralt admits, "but I thought about touching you."

"Yeah?" Eskel encourages. His cock twitches again and he wants to reach down and stroke himself off before the feeling goes away again, but he has a better idea. "Tell me." His hands slip up to Geralt's hips, pressing him back onto his cock and he groans as the head catches against Geralt's rim.

"Oh," Geralt groans and he sits back a little harder. It doesn't make any sense to fuck him; Eskel's already prepped and ready and he's going to ache tomorrow as it is. They don't have oil and he doesn't want to hurt him, but Geralt seems determined.

"I touched myself," Geralt breathes, "thinking about you. Imagining your hands on me, holding me, pressing me into-" he cuts himself off and his eyes snap up to Eskel's, but his scent flares hot and lusty. Pressing me into the bed. And gods, Eskel thinks, they may only have two days left, but he'll be damned if he doesn't find time to fuck Geralt into whatever surface he can find after this. Now, though, is not the time.

"I will," he promises, "I'll fuck you anywhere, any way you want me to, but you gotta do something for me first."

“Anything.”

“I need you to fuck me.”

"Eskel-"

"We don't have any oil and you already did such a damned good job of making sure I'm ready." Geralt preens at the praise and Eskel gets a hand around the back of his neck, tugging him into a slow kiss.

His whole body aches for release, but he lets himself linger, brutally aware of the time they've wasted. Geralt is the one to draw back, shifting to sit between Eskel's legs. Just the heat of his body, the way Geralt pushes his thighs apart sends shivers up his spine. That's a good sign, he thinks.

Geralt slips a finger inside him, then two, ensuring he's ready. Eskel appreciates the effort but it doesn't matter much either way. Geralt slicks his cock with the come still cooling on Eskel's chest and it's not ideal, but it makes some difference as he pushes into him. Geralt is cautious, but he keeps himself steady and the first proper thrust has Eskel's entire body lighting up.

Oh, this is what he's been missing all these years. The painful ache fades until he's left with nothing but his own want for Geralt, pure and real. He's still exhausted, but he musters up the strength to haul Geralt down against him, wrapping his arms around him and kissing him.

"Fuck," he breathes, "fuck, Geralt, you feel-" he's cut off by his own moan as Geralt thrusts sharply into him and Eskel's limbs shake. He doesn't try to talk again, but when Geralt kisses him, soft and sweet, despite the pistoning of his hips, Eskel thinks he understands anyway.

This time takes longer, but when he comes, it's with one hand around his cock and the other over Geralt's shoulder. Please, he hears and it takes a moment to realize it came from him. He doesn't plead, doesn't ask for anything during sex, but then again, nothing about this is normal. Geralt follows moments later, collapsing onto his chest and pressing soft, exhausted kisses along his collar bone. For the first time possibly ever, Eskel feels satisfied after a full moon.

Dawn finds them huddled together amongst soiled clothes and loose bits of stone. Geralt is lying almost entirely on top of him, but Eskel is warm and content. He doesn't dare move, lest his muscles scream of overuse, but there's no need to move anyway; he's through it for another cycle and, he suspects, the future will be easier. He runs his fingers through Geralt's hair with a soft smile on his face and watches in silence as the sun climbs up over the mountains.

kink prompts

[koorinohebi]

OC ABCs: Y1 through Y5, please!

1. How old were you when you created them?

Let's see. Oh wow, to be honest I had to do a bit of math here since I've had Kiomi for so long. SOOOOOO long. And guess what. Even I'm surprised to remember that I created her back when I was 13 years old. It's been what, 17 years since then. Man, time sure flies. 

2. What inspired you to create them?

Often times my inspiration to create characters (either making an OC or taking up a canon) is due to friend influence. Kiomi was probably the only one that doesn't share that. Because I was relatively new to the Naruto fandom back when I first made her and I just wanted some interaction from people who played in the verse. (I didnt even know what canon was back in the day. Like, I had no idea that they were called that.) So I made a character with attributes that I liked, elements that I like, etc. while learning all about jutsus and stuff, and how the verse operated. I'm a bit rusty now specially since I've been on a very long Hiatus, but yeah. My inspiration for her came from the desire for interaction and story weaving. That's when I met my first friend in the verse, which just so happened to be an Orochimaru. They were very apprehensive and iffy about OCs but apparently, we were able to hit it off well enough that they were comfortable about interacting with my muse. So apart from just story building, my friend's Orochimaru was part of the inspiration, specially for the environment that she grew up in.  

3. Were they different when they were first created?

Well, for starters she's less of a brat now than she was back then. She was so problematic when I first made her. She was so ridiculously rebellious to the point where she throws things at her lord when she becomes pissy and throws tantrums. (One thing hasn't changed though. If Kabuto tells her to behave, she behaves. xD) She's better at handling that now. 

Her personality is fleshed out better too. Years of interaction with Muns and Muses alike have allowed me to explore her persona and characteristics. That enabled me to add the layers that were necessary to make her feel more organic. 

Let me just say that I love Naruto movies and plotting with friends. Back when all I had was the fact that she's from Yukigakure and that her family was part of a genocide, I was wondering how to tie stuff into the verse more properly. Because of the history of the Kazahana's in the Land of Snow, the technical advancement the place had, I've been able to incorporate that knowledge into creating information for her clan. 

Those are just some of the changes that's happened for my muse over the years, but I think my favorite part of the changes is the fact that she has some bonds now that are relatively real. Something that she believes is worth fighting form. Loss is a very big part of her character evolution. The more loss she experience, the more her personality shifts. She's always tethering along the threshold of wanting and protecting bonds, and not wanting to have anything to do with it. 

I love the fact that she doesn't feel the desperation for a bond until it's there. Back then, she really wouldnt have given a crap. But now, when she experiences something genuine, she develops an eagerness to protect it. However, when it comes to bonds, the one thing that hasn't really changed is the fact that she'll try to avoid it as much as possible, until she realizes that she can't. 

Kiomi's also actually pretty defiant. But I found that mellowing over the years too. When she realized how that gets her into too much trouble, she eventually toned it down. However, it's been replaced by her chronic lying-- which isn't too good a thing either. But the chronic lying is basically her defense mechanism now, because from the start she is bad at dealing with people. Being honest lands her in disadvantageous situations, so she resorted to lies. (She just doesn't know it yet, but that'll get her in bigger trouble. Dont tell her, okay? ^_~ ) Also, being a liar helps her interact better with strangers for intel gathering. When she's faced with strangers, you can bet your horses that the first thing she lies about is her affiliation with Otogakure, because she's learned that not a lot of people trusts shinobi from the Hidden Sound Village. So it's not too strange to see her pretending to be a civilian. It's also the reason why she's often without her hitai ate. 

But you know what, Kiomi is inherently a good kid at the core. It’s just that she ended up growing up in an environment that didn’t allow for too much of that. This is why if you’ll notice in some of my threads, she’s actually quite nice to people in similar situations such as her.

 4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters?

I do, actually. Among all of my OCs, I have an attachment to Kiomi. It's probably because I've had her for so long that I can't get enough of her and her growth. 

This has reached the point where, if ever I go RPing on another verse or when I return from a long Hiatus (like I have done as of recent) I always end up penning for Kiomi. It's not that I like my other muses any less, it's just my one brain cell has a tendency to pick what it likes and it does like this particular muse. 

I'm surprised how well she can adapt to other verses as well, which makes it easier for me to integrate her in certain verses whenever I get a burnout for Naruto. For example, I've played her in Devil May Cry before wherein the two verses kind of semi-merged. It was fun. From shinobi, she casually just got a job in Devil May Cry for devil hunting, I got to make her her own Devil Arm, etc. I've played her in a Fate Stay Night setting where she's the master of the world's oldest bully and even if they dont get along very well, they're able to function as a master-servant team when the need arises. Otherwise she's Gil's personal mongrel. I think one of my favorite crossovers had to be in Magic The Gathering where she's an apprentice to Sorin Markov. 

So yes, I do love writing for her, so much. 

5. what’s your favorite thing about them?

My favorite thing about Kiomi is her personality. Specially now that I can play on the complication of her emotions. 

The best thing that ever happened to her was the fact that she made bonds that she didn't want to lose while knowing for a fact that her the friends that she made belonged to the enemy side. That gave her a lot of things to think about. Decisions of whether she throws away years of loyalty for something new is something I enjoy playing out. Although eventually I know where she returns and whom she returns to, depending on how much she grows attached to the other muse and how willing both parties are to make it canon, that's the only time that it may change.

The good thing about the Next Gen setting is that Otogakure has better relations with Konoha...at least compared to when the entire Naruto series began. This allows Kiomi to have a little freedom in terms of socializing with the little friends that she actually made. 

Love's an aspect that I want to explore, but yeaaah. That's hard for her because she dislikes the notion very much. Although I'm sure that if the right person comes along, the possibility of her opening up and feeling for the other person still exists. As much as there's an RP outside tumblr where she does love someone. I do have her as a mutli-ship so basically all bonds are different per verse. 

One of my other favorite thing is that she works well with people she hates. It's really funny because I find that-- for starters, Kiomi dislikes Sasuke with a passion. This is pretty much a classic case of Genius vs Hard Work. Sasuke's pretty much a stark reminder of everything that she wants. He's chosen by Orochimaru, he's strong and talented, he's a cut above the rest, for sure. All her hard work gets blown out of the water along with her desire to be the vessel because a favorite exists. But above all, she's actually pretty jealous that he still has a family in the form of his brother. But yes, she hates him so much, but apparently whenever I roleplay with Sasuke's they seem to have certain areas for synergy. Mainly because Kiomi will prevent him from getting killed (that's her job). So she'll help him out, tend to his wounds, spar with him, etc. So there's a certain dynamic there which I enjoy. That's why, to be fairly honest, Sasuke interactions is probably one of my favorites because the rawness of Kiomi's feelings come out. And I really love the fact that I can make this hate canon so easily because she doesn’t need an initial validation from him. She can just hate him on her own until such a time when they meet. It’s great because the more he ignores her, the more she gets pissed off, the more she works harder. Even up to Next Gen, Sasuke’s still her goal, albeit with decreased animosity. *Cough*Frenemies Please*Cough*

( Here’s an ugly doodle from ten years ago.)

It's a freaking meme for me, but I love how she gets into a fight with every Katon user she meets. She didn't get Katon'd, sure, but her worst run in was probably with an Itachi who Tsukuyomi'd her. That was really fun to play out but stressful. They became associates after. xD 

Also, her awful way of phrasing some things. Sometimes, when she has a hard time of expressing herself, she ends up blurting things that's easy to misinterpret. It's pretty funny, all the trouble it causes. 

[rpandthangs]

So, I have no chill, too much muse and too much time on my hands. (really, I’m suppose to write some schoolwork but pff) Down below, heuheu, there’s plenty of different relationships/plots I’d like for Ronan but I’m also super open to different ones and more, so if any of these interest you or you just in general want to plot hmu. ❤

trigger warning；toxic relationships and infadility

the childhood friend ↽

+ best friend, born 1993, open gender, open fc.

These two grew up together and known each other when they still were in their mother’s bellies, Q’s family has always worked for the Lynah’s and their fathers became close in the aspect of work and friendship. Therefor their families were often together but it was pretty clear that the Lynah was superior, almost a master – servant kind of vibe around them and that’s how it has always been. Q’s is probably the only one who actually understands how Ronan thinks, knows where all that anger and evil is and absolutely hates Magnus Lynah beyond anything.

Q’s always been there, always taking Ronan side even if he doesn’t deserve it, they were each other first kiss, he was the one who took Q’s virginity because they had made a promise that they should wait until both of them were ready (Ronan said he was a virgin too to make Q happy but he wasn’t), Q is probably the only one who might be able to tell Ronan what to do and not to do, Q keeps Ronan sane while Ronan make Q insane. Ronan is Q’s biggest fan and biggest bully; he knows damn well that Q has always loved him beyond friendship and abuses that very clearly without admitting that he knows. Q’s the person he treats the best and the worst and with every relationship Ronan has a hand in is pretty toxic.

When Ronan got sent to Silver Creek it wasn’t even a question if Q would move to; Q had too because Ronan can’t live without his best friend and what Ronan wants he gets. The future of Q and what Q works with/studies and anything like that is completely open, Q’s might even get tired of his shit finally and tell him to fuck right off. Who knows, and I’m just using Q to refer to the best friend to make it easier to write. All this can of course be tweaked and changed a bit, I’m always up for discussing all them plot and dynamics.

the best friend ↽

Open age, open gender, open fc.

This is completely open and can even be someone he met two years ago when he moved to Silver Creek? They just happened to connect on a level that is not very common when it comes to Ronan, they’re probably has a less complicated relationship than he and Q but still very close. Talks about everything, always got each other back even if they totally do not agree with each other, does a lot of stupid shit together etc. This is super open to be honest so I’m all for discussion more possibilities and depths in this best friend situation. Just because this person also is his best friend doesn’t mean he/she likes Q, maybe they fucking hate each other or loves each other – who knows.

friendships; Of course, he as other kind of more simple friendships such as friends he mostly just parties with or might just take a coffee with each other if they meet out on town. (he most likely has people he’s frenemies with or just people who he can’t stand and who can’t stand him)

current girlfriend ↽

pixie de souza, 25, bruna marquezine, jo

Totally open, they most likely just met a few weeks ago or at least decided to start dating as gf/bf a few weeks ago. Super open so come at me with all them ideas, I’m always up for plotting and the drama. Just a reminder that he will cheat, lie and be a proper asshole from time to time – at least he will buy you pretty and expensive shit.

on/off girlfriend for two years ↽

melanie applebaum, 24, victoria pedretti, chloe

They met when he just arrived to Silver Creek, probably the typical good girl – everyone’s sweetheart, everyone knows her, her father is probably the freaking preacher. Everything that just shouldn’t have anything with Ronan to do, so obviously her friends and family hates him and tells her constantly that he’s not good enough etc. Which is very… true but she also absolutely fucking loves him? And don’t want to be the one that gives up on him, but he’s also horrible so she tries to break up with him but then they always somehow end up back together… and Ronan will probably realize that he actually cares for her when it’s too late. Also, maybe a future pregnancy that may or may not force Ronan into an absolute mental breakdown and maybe become a good person… maybe. This is also pretty open to be honest, I’m always up for other ideas etc. but I like the dynamic of good girl/bad guy. Nothing is set in stone though.

ex-girlfriends ↽

Open ages, open faces.

Ronan has definitely managed to go through a few relationships during his two years in Silver Creek, they’re probably pretty short and intense. They most likely broke up with him because he’s a cheating asshole and he got tired of lying about it so there wasn’t much more to save, doesn’t have to be serious at all or maybe it was serious as well? Super open, there’s plenty of fun plots and dram to throw in here some come at me.

friends with benefits/hook-ups ↽

Open ages, open genders, open faces.

This is what Ronan prefers so I’m guessing he has plenty of people in his mobile that he or they just text him when they’re… feeling lonely. That doesn’t care if he’s in a relationship and people that do, again – there’s plenty of dramatic scenarios we could come up with in this category as well. Though, when it comes to hook-ups with males, they’re a few and in secret – which also could be a fun and dramatic relationship. Gay panic in secret with his ultimate enemy? Or someones brother? Plenty of scandalous things can be plotted so come at me.

jazmin estrada, 26, selena gomez, skye literally just uses him for sex when she needs to get her mind off things, smh love that.

aspen kaine, 22, troye sivan, elin friends with aspen's horrible boyfriend and oops, hooked up. kinda hate each other, kinda not, they both got dirt on each other that they don't want to be known... it's complicated

In general Ronan is the “bad guy” so do you need someone to be the bad guy or be the one who does something shitty to your char – he’s here to be that one. Would love a plot where he gets together with someone just for a bet, to get a picture of the person naked or worse – who knows. SO MANY THINGS I WANT, anyhow, I obviously have no chill and I have too much time on my hands.

[leapingtitan]

Thoughts on Chapter 114

I have to say that I’ve been looking forward to this chapter for almost 3 years. Zeke being my favorite character, his past is something I’ve been wanting to see all this time. And Isayama delivered just on time.

There are a few points to point out in regards to this, but this may very well be my favorite snk chapter, at least for the time being. It has basically all of the things that make me love snk as a whole. Main lore revelations, displays of how fucked up the world is and of course, Zeke Jaeger as a character and the revelation of what he has been trying to do all along.

Zeke’s past is, to say the least, screwed up. Grisha and Dina’s behavior towards him was very much what we expected it to be. It was hinted, but seeing it from Zeke’s eyes was just drenching. Those two didn’t really care about Zeke as a child and used him for their purposes in acquiring the Founding Titan. All in the process, they forgot that he is just a child and placed enormous stress on him. As Xaver stated, it didn’t even look like he wanted to become a warrior himself, at least not until much later.

Tom Xaver is the “Mysterious Man” from the character guidebook who was briefly mentioned at the end of last chapter. Although it was speculated to be the case because of his armband, getting the confirmation that he the source of both the Beast Titan’s powers that Zeke ended up acquiring later on and the glasses with Zeke seem to have personal value to Zeke for the obvious reason that is him and Xaver’s relationship.

Xaver, in any case, was an interesting character on his own. His manifestation of the Beast Titan’s powers was apparently deemed unfitting for Marley’s typical usage of their power, that is invading other countries and making use of the sheer force that is the Titan shifting ability. Although I’m curious to know how exactly Xaver’s Beast Titan was “useless” in that regard. Remember when Magath was analyzing each of the Titans in the first half of the Marley arc? It seems that the thing that Beast Titans have in common is being slightly taller than the others that are not the Colossal Titan.

Since Xaver was already a baseball player who seemingly had quite a bit of free time to practice the sport, my guess is his Beast Titan did not have the physical features that Zeke’s does. In this case, the abnormally long arms which would provide massive momentum and throwing strength.

But regardless, Tom Xaver chooses to dedicate the remainder of his life to being a Titan Researcher. This was personally an enjoyable aspect of his character to me, as the Titan Chemistry Research Society that has been mentioned since the Basement reveal hasn’t really gotten any direct exposition, so seeing a direct member of it was nice.

Anyway, Zeke isn’t doing that well as a warrior and Tom Xaver is not fit for combat, so the two naturally spend a lot of time together. It ultimately leads to Xaver being the one to suggest Zeke betraying his parents after he overhears that Marley is on their trail. In a way, this ultimately sheds light to Zeke’s further developments.

He betrayed his parents to save his own life plus that of his grandparents, and it wasn’t until later when he found the resolve as an Eldian Restorationist on his own. Thus, I truly believe in what he told Kiyomi. His parents being cruel and inconsiderate of him aside, Zeke may or may not have come to his own conclusion that they would only bring Eldia down.

It isn’t until Zeke’s later years that we find out about a certain reveal which I quite appreciated. Eldians, “Subjects of Ymir” are biological extensions of the Founding Titan’s biology itself. That’s just the way of saying that they’re all connected to the Coordinate in the middle, where the Founding Titan is. As Zeke’s Beast Titan can trasnform those marked to his own Coordinate, his Titan via spinal fluid, we can assume that, should the Founding Titan decide to do so, can mass-transform Eldians in the same fashion as the it’s connected to all of them by default. On top of that, Xaver theorizes that it possesses the ability to alter their biological structure to the point of completely eradicating an epidemic.

This theory is what brings us to the main reveal this chapter, Zeke’s plan which we have been theorizing about for a long time now. To use the Founding Titan’s powers to sterilize every Eldian and wait for the last generation to die either by natural or non-natural means. With that, even if one of the 9 Titans remains, once they reach the 13 year point, the power wouldn’t have anyone to transfer to. Thus, ending the “cursed history” just like he said he would.

Before I elaborate on that, Tom reveals to Zeke that he himself wishes he never would have been born due to the stuff that happened with his wife. Truly cruel, and you can see that until the end they remain on the same page. The father/son moment they had as well was quite touching but very tragic, just like the rest of the chapter for the most part.

We come to the current point in time where Zeke detonates the thunderspear in his abdomen in hopes to escape his confinement and get rid of Levi. Both of them have been opposing forces since the Return to Shiganshina arc but they both ended up making the same mistake over and over again: Underestimating each other. Levi didn’t think Zeke would do anything under his watch in the forest and didn’t think he would actually detonate himself either. Meanwhile, Zeke has underestimated Levi an equal number of times as well.

But regardless, he did it. I don’t believe that Zeke is dead because let’s be real here, he has quite a lot of plot armor and killing him after revealing his goal to euthanize the Eldian race would be anti-climatic and would render the entire chapter pointless. Levi, on the other hand, has to die sooner or later. I’m not saying I’m “happy” though I personally never hold personal bias and attachment with characters outside of ironic and meme reasons. If a character dies, they die. That’s it. I’ve been reading snk for almost 5 years and I’ve gotten used to it at this point.

With that said Levi could potentially come back later depending on how fast he heals but my prediction is, someone will find him and he’s going to have his last words. When the big boom happens, it seems to be raining. Atmospherically that seems an appropriate end for him, whenever someone finds him. As for Zeke, seems like Levi was lying. He did close his limbs from the explosion from what we can see though it’s nothing he can’t regenerate. His neck seems in tact and it looks like he’s gotten used to physical pain at this point. Honestly, it’s tragic.

Lastly we come to what I believe is the most important lead we have this chapter. Folks,

Zeke and Eren are not on the same side.

Although we can question Eren’s mental state and motives for the past 20 chapters, let’s just keep in kind that this is Eren who has ALWAYS fought for freedom. The one who possesses the Attack Titan, at that. Now, do you really believe that his idea of “Freedom” is for his own race to go extinct?

Personally, I think he may have tricked Zeke, but at the end, I believe the two to have entirely different motives and are not going to be the dynamic duo of this final arc.

The biggest reason why I think that is an interview that Isayama held a few years ago when he was asked about Zeke. This is not a direct quote, but Isayama says something along the lines of

“When coming up with Zeke’s character, I wanted to follow a main common trope that the main character, in this case Eren, needs an opposite. In this case, Zeke is the type of brotherly existence to Eren but is ultimately the kind of character the protagonist strives not to become.”

In other words, Eren and Zeke both wish for Eldia’s salvation. However, they have different ideas. Zeke wishes for the extinction of the Eldian race, while Eren likely wishes for Eldia to overcome its oppression even if it means absolute genocide against the rest of the world.

This is why I believe that the “Final Battle” will involve the infiltrating Marleyan warriors, the fleet fighting off against the remainder of the Survey Corps, while Eren deals with Zeke.

Logically speaking, Zeke has no reason to activate the rumbling, but what needs to be elaborated on is that Eren is the one who decides what the outcome of the usage of the Founding Titan’s powers are, not Zeke. I definitely believe the two will duke it out, but before that we are going to get the next thing I’ve been waiting for which is their long-awaited reunion. And no, the airship doesn’t count.

Overall, like I said this may very well be my favorite snk chapter for now. Don’t have much else to say except it’s very solid and I look forward to seeing the rest, as usual.

[gillzilla]

A Treatise on the aTROSity, Including How Hope Came to Me in the Form of The Lego Movie 2, Knives Out, and Little Women

I will start out by saying that I have never made a real, detailed post on Tumblr, mainly because social media kind of scares me. But the Reylo community's amazing kindness, strength, openness, and willingness to speak the truth in their writing over the last week and a half is honestly what has gotten me through the heartbreak and depression caused by the stabbing in the chest that was this movie. I am one of the people who loves Kylo/Ben Solo because I have mental health conditions and an abuse/trauma history within my family, which is also why the holidays are hard for me, so a big thanks to the people in charge of the story for TROS for making it even harder this year. After a week and a half of legitimate mourning for the butchering of the themes of Star Wars and of all the characters, but particularly the sequel trilogy characters, I am ready to add my two cents to all that has already been written about this movie.

First off, I have not been a Star Wars fan for my whole life. My parents tried to introduce me to the original trilogy as a kid by taking me to see A New Hope in the movie theater for the 20th anniversary screening in 1997. I fell asleep for most of it and was terrified by the trash compactor scene, so you could say the movie did not resonate with me. It actually wasn't until Phantom Menace came out that I started to get attached to Star Wars. So many older fans love to shit on that movie, and it certainly has many flaws, but a lot of us who were around the same age as Anakin when that movie came out and are now adults have started to speak up about how the movie was a gateway into Star Wars for us. Anakin gave me a window into the Star Wars universe that I could understand and relate to. I could relate to Anakin being a kind-hearted kid who wanted to help others and just wanted adults he could look up to, and I liked the podracing scenes. As with every single other sci-fi/fantasy hero's journey story that I loved as a kid, I empathized with and related to a male hero. Now, the wooden dialogue/acting/directing of Attack of the Clones and the tragic ending of Revenge of the Sith that left me so emotionally devastated that I vividly remember calling my friend to tell her I was so depressed I couldn't focus on studying for my eighth grade English final, kind of took me out of Star Wars again. There had been a spark there, but at that point I figured, eh, I guess it's not really for me after all.

I didn't rediscover Star Wars until the end of the first semester of my freshman year of college. This was a very difficult time in my life, as I was in what I would now consider to be a mental health crisis that unfortunately lasted for five years because I was too ashamed and uneducated about mental health to seek out help. I was very, very lonely during that time. It was close to finals week and I was sick, so as I sat in my dorm room I decided, why not pop in those DVDs of the original trilogy that I got at Costco last month. After watching them, I remember thinking, "Why have I not been watching these my whole life???" The original trilogy hooked me after that point and I started watching the movies every year around Christmas in commemoration of my rediscovery of them.

I was just as surprised as anyone when I found out that Disney bought Lucasfilm and that they were going to make a sequel trilogy. I had thought there would never be any more Star Wars, so I was overjoyed, though tentative, because I knew that though I loved Star Wars, it also had a tendency to make missteps that were somewhat endemic to sci-fi/fantasy hero's journey stories, such as poorly written dialogue, emphasis on ridiculous plot points that took away from the deeper overall themes, lack of diverse characters, and objectification/misogyny against female characters (I do not like watching Return of the Jedi because I hate, HATE the Jabba's palace stuff for what they did to Leia, honestly they gave Leia nothing interesting to do in that whole movie basically, but that's a whole nother essay).

So I went into The Force Awakens not really knowing what to expect. But oh my god, was I blown away. I am not lying when I say that I cried for at least an hour after the scene where Rey and Kylo are both reaching out for the legacy saber and it goes to Rey as the music swells, oh my god. I FINALLY realized what it meant to feel seen in the stories that I loved. My whole life I had been attached to and empathizing with male heroes, because they were pretty much the only heroes out there. To see Rey as this amazing female heroine who was not objectified and was a compelling character with an intriguing backstory that I related to as a child with a trauma history who often grew up feeling lonely, and to see that she was going to be the main Jedi in this new trilogy, I was overjoyed. It gave me hope. And then, on top of that, we got Adam Driver. Need I say any more. So many people have written about what an absolutely incredible actor Adam is, and I swear he is the only actor who could have pulled off the role of Kylo/Ben. The first time I saw TFA I didn't catch all the nuances of the character and his dynamic with Rey, but something about him really intrigued me (and made me want to watch everything Adam had ever been in). My love for TFA led me to start investing time in the online Star Wars fandom, which I never considered myself to be a part of previously, as the fandom had always reeked of being a "no girls allowed" type of zone. I found out about amazing, female-led podcasts that I started listening to every week and whose hosts I value just as much as my friends. I also started following the Reylo fandom on Tumblr. Learning more about the mythology behind the sequel trilogy, including how the creators were writing Rey's story as a heroine's journey and her and Kylo/Ben as dual protagonists, added so much to my understanding of what was going on in the storytelling and gave me the words to describe why I was connecting with these stories so much. I can honestly say that Star Wars and the Reylo fandom generally have been instrumental in helping me to get through the last four years, which have been a very difficult and isolating period in my life.

And now I'm up to TROS. As so many have said, the vast majority of it is a steaming pile of trash. People have done such an amazing job of breaking down why this story and how it treated its characters and retconned the beautiful story and themes that Rian gave us in TLJ was so painful for us. Many have pointed out that this movie is a result of catering to the most toxic portion of the Star Wars fandom, the "dudebros." Going further, I want to state that, whether consciously or not on the part of the cis, straight, white, male writers/director/CEO of Disney, this movie is a reassertion of masculinist ideologies. I want to clarify that when I talk about "masculinist" vs. feminist ideologies, I am talking about how our society and culture defines "masculine" vs. "feminine" ideas, traits, etc. Gender has nothing to with biological determinism and is socially and culturally constructed. Masculinist ideologies include beliefs such as extreme individualism, competition, "us vs. them" dichotomies, and power and value being defined based on hierarchy, which necessitates the use of violence to perpetuate the hierarchy. Feminist ideologies include valuing community and collaboration, connection and empathy, the idea that every person has inherent worth regardless of their productivity, actions, mistakes, class, race, sexuality, etc., respect for all people, and an abolishing of hierarchies. Masculinist ideologies are those of the white supremacist hetero-patriarchy, which, as we can see playing out in various ways all over the world, has been rearing its head in a very obvious and ugly fashion the past few years (though of course it has been around for wayyyyy longer than that).

Anyone who has been reading the fantastic analyses of TROS by those in the Reylo community can likely see how TLJ and even the story as it was set up in TFA were communicating feminist ideologies. One big example of this is Kylo Ren/Ben himself as a character. As so many have eloquently described, this is a complex character that commits atrocities, but is shown to be a victim of immense abuse and trauma that was failed by everyone in his family when he needed them most. This is a character that, had he been able to have the full and well-written redemption arc that he deserved, would have had an extremely moving story of how toxic masculinity and masculinist ideology is destroying boys and men by keeping them from being full people who can express all of their emotions, be vulnerable, and be open to love and connection. Reylo resonates so much with me not because it is about Rey supposedly doing all the work to change Kylo in some sort of toxic, co-dependent way, but because Rey and Kylo/Ben were always equals to each other. They both pushed each other to be better, more whole people. The wonderful work that folks have put into analyzing the mythology behind the feminine and masculine symbolism in TFA and TLJ (again, to clarify, "masculine" and "feminine" being culturally defined terms), and even the more obvious original goal of the sequel trilogy for the force to finally be balanced by Rey and Ben themselves becoming balanced between dark and light all relate to these gender issues. Balancing the dark and light sides of the force is also about balancing the "masculine" and "feminine" aspects within themselves.

This is a beautiful message that has so many real world implications. In our world, for lack of a better term, everything "feminine" is basically shat on. Patriarchy hates anything "feminine." This is how sexism plays out, but it also has to do with the ideologies that we believe in, down to our basic understandings of empathy and whether or not people have inherent value. The world would certainly be a better place if the "masculine" and "feminine" were better balanced, specifically if "feminine," and feminist, ideologies were more valued. This is what makes TROS feel like a stab directly in the heart. This was a trilogy that clearly did have feminist messages, regardless of DLF's bullshitting about Star Wars being "for everyone." Star Wars has always been progressive, the original trilogy is about rebels taking on fascists for god's sake. DLF's pandering to the most toxic part of the fandom for TROS is therefore representative of a much larger cultural, social, and political battle that is going on around the world right now. We are at a turning point for humanity in which we are starting to face the devastation that has occurred due to masculinist ideologies being the most highly regarded and utilized by those in power, but those in power are also trying to maintain their power by strongly reasserting those ideologies. So I would argue that this is not just about one movie that I and many other people didn't like. This movie is a small representation of a much larger battle that we're fighting.

Now, that reassertion of masculinist ideology that was the stabbing in the heart of watching TROS has made me super, duper depressed for the past week or so because, as others have pointed out, it communicated to me that no matter how hard we fight, the white supremacist hetero-patriarchy will reassert itself and win in the end. It even re-triggered the pain I've felt over the past few years since our current president came into office in the U.S. However, as I near the end of this long treatise I would like to share the stories that gave me hope over these past few days. I re-watched The Lego Movie 2 the other day, and that story gave me hope. The "bad guy" in that story is a literal embodiment of toxic masculinity/masculinist ideology, and it ends with the male hero realizing that he doesn't need to sacrifice his humanity and connections to other people to be a hero, or even just to be a man. How to Train Your Dragon 3 also told a story about a male hero/leader that rejects masculinist ideology. Additionally, I was given hope by Rian's amazing movie, Knives Out, which I went to see solely because people on Tumblr recommended it (thank you folks!). Rian had a clear theme and vision for this story that was about exposing and dissecting what I would call "toxic whiteness," and what it does to a family and those around them. And lastly, I saw Greta Gerwig's incredible adaptation of Little Women today, and that gave me hope because one of its main themes is about the struggle that (cis, heterosexual) women have in asserting themselves as full humans with talents, dreams and goals for their lives outside of being in romantic relationships, but also wanting to have romantic relationships at the same time. As has been said by so many, "STRONG" WOMEN CAN FALL IN LOVE AND HAVE ROMANTIC/SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS. Feminism is about giving all people the chance to be fully human, and for heterosexual women that includes being able to have a relationship with a man and still be valued and respected for everything that we are outside of that relationship. The above mentioned stories, and others (She-Ra, Dragon Prince, AtLA & Legend of Korra, I'm sure there are others) give me hope that there are creators out there that are communicating feminist themes, even in big-budget movies that lots of people go to see. We need more of this. Tied to this is that THE HEROINE'S JOURNEY OF THE SEQUEL TRILOGY SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN/DIRECTED BY A WOMAN/WOMEN. Folks, we need the opportunities to tell our own stories. All of the diverse folks out there, if you are a creator, please keep on creating! We need you out there and we value all of the beautiful, integral work that you do!

So in sum, I'm not going to let what happened with TROS ruin my love of Star Wars or of the sequel trilogy. The story belongs to the fans now, and there are so many of us out there to care for it. You better be sure that I will never stop speaking up about how wronged we were by TROS, that is the hill I will die on. But I am not giving up hope and I hope that you will also join me in not giving up hope. As Poe stated so well in TLJ (with one minor adjustment), "We are the spark that will light the fire that will burn the [patriarchy] down." End of treatise.

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 4X01 - A Tale of Two Sisters

Awww! The Frozen Arc! It’ll be ICE to see it again!

Let’s hope my review is better than my puns! Give it a read below the cut, if you are so kind!

Main Takeaways

Past

I can’t get over how GOOD the casting and chemistry was for the Frozen cast. I’m partially convinced that Disney has machines that construct people from their CG counterparts! XD I feel like the story fro this episode is perfectly good. This segment really just had to show off that it understood the Frozen cast and delivered a story that allowed for the story to continue in an engaging way, and I think they did a pretty solid job of it!

Present

”Your intentions don’t matter.” While this phrase is often a good point in terms of actions mattering more than intentions, it’s not here. While yes, I know that this ends up being Zelena, at the time, Emma was saving an innocent woman. I get that Regina’s upset and it makes sense for her character to be upset in this situation, This is a hard arc to watch. That said, I do like that Emma stands her ground here. While she’s sorry she caused Regina pain, she won’t apologize for sparing Marian. “That was the person I was, not the person I am.” But the thing is, you still have to answer for the sins of the person you were. The harm she caused didn’t go away because you’ve done better. It honestly frustrates me to see Regina deflecting back to this aspect of her character. That said, as I’m often one to defend Emma from criticisms against her walls popping up all the time, I want to make the effort to do the same for Regina. And I do think that not blaming others for her mistakes is the general trajectory of her character, and this arc is interesting because we see a more redeemed Regina put in a similar situation to the very actions that made her The Evil Queen to begin with. The immediate show of growth honestly helps here too. It’s clear by the end of the episode that Regina won’t go back to her old ways, and the engaging part now is how she reconnects with the rest of the mains.

I gotta say, I remember LOVING the initial idea of Marian coming back to life and I still do in the universe where more had been done with it. So much of Storybrooke has forgiven Regina because they’ve seen her take on Pan’s Curse and Zelena, but here comes someone who not only hasn’t seen this redemption, but has a strong connection to Regina’s boyfriend. The conflict there just SCREAMS of potential for all involved. Marian’s got a strong personality, Regina would get to truly prove her redemption to someone with no faith in her, and Robin would get a more intricate conflict and potential for deeper characterization that could contribute to him growing as a member of the main cast. And...nothing like that really happened. I think watching this episode tends to open up old wounds for me because this was an arc that I really looked forward to getting into the meat of and because the meat amounted to that found on a chicken’s foot, I can’t say that I’m that happy.

Basically every line at Neal’s grave had me filled with feels! What a beautiful and touching goodbye from Rumple to his son. It’s such a powerful moment. When it comes to Rumple this episode, they set him up so much to make the ultimate change just to not. Now, in the context of the episode as a vacuum, that’s fine and is a pretty classic Once-y twist. However, I feel like in the service of the arc as a whole, it would’ve been better maybe to show more of the reasons why the Sorcerer’s Hat was so tempting, and if not here, then in another episode. The closest we’ll get is Rumple’s speech to Regina in “Heroes and Villains,” which merely touches upon the effects of dying, being a slave at Zelena’s hands for a year, and losing Bae. And look, I like his declination back to villainy for that reason. Bae was his moral compass -- the person who had just enough doubt and love for Rumple that he would be able to keep Rumple on the path of good just with his willpower and lack of full trust -- and losing him at the end of what amounts to a torture conga is the kind of thing that would cause him to get more slippery with his morals. Belle in certain contexts can be easy to fool and I can see those small rationalizations build up in a way that would match up with the following arc.

”I know you, cause you’re like me.” Not to get too shippy, but I feel like the interaction between Robin and Regina in the office where Robin points out their similarities is a character point that should’ve been given more focus. Yes, from an abstract point of view, Regina and Robin are similar because they used to do villainous things, whereas Robin was a thief, Regina murdered, and that’s an entirely different league of villainy. And I swear I’m not trying to put Regina down here, but I think that difference is one that should be a focal point of their dynamic. Robin went through a redemption arc of his own in a way, and seeing him try to pass on those tactics and fail because they’re not compatible with Regina’s brand of villainy and grow from that to have a better understanding of Regina and take on a different approach to helping her. Getting into the meat of that and establishing those differences could’ve made them stronger for me.

I hate the way “monster” is used in this episode. The context of the episode frames “monster” as something undeserved being thrust upon someone, applying to Regina and Elsa. However, in the context of the episode, Regina’s being called a “monster” by Marian, someone whose most recent memory of Regina is saying that she’ll be happy with her head upon a spike and Marshmallow is being called the monster in Elsa’s case, though she attributes that as an extension of herself while Marshmallow is literally attacking a town. Just...this isn’t like The Beast being called a monster when he’s not attacking anyone and I don’t feel like the framing was entirely there for it. THAT HAVING BEEN SAID, I do think the retraction of “monster” towards Regina was well deserved! She saved Marian, even with all of that rage in her heart and that’s pretty freakin’ great!

Stream of Consciousness Thoughts

-This opening may have one of the most fantastically created storm. Look at the water and the panic of the crew as they try to fight it off!

-So while I don’t blame anyone from being a little nervous at the possibility of Regina going evil again (She spent half of the scene talking about how being a hero screwed her over and she does try to plot to kill Marian with Sidney in the vault), props to Henry for his faith in her!

-Dab, Elsa! Dab!

-”And once more, I’ve started it with a lie.” That was a really poorly-worded segue. He wasn’t talking about lying in the previous part of that speech and it’s not like he brought up lying about Milah’s “death.” It’s just one line, but it could’ve been better constructed.

-”I’ll spend my life repaying you for that.” Well, you’re not wrong.

-Damn, there’s a really interesting contrast in Robin and Regina’s scenes in the office between the finale and here. In the finale, they were on the floor, relaxed, and touching whereas here, they’re sitting on the couch, stiff as boards, and the distance between them looks more like a chasm.

-Okay! Watching this episode after the auction and seeing everything everyone bid on is hysterical!

-As we’re spending a lot of time in the mayor’s office, I’ve got to say that I LOVE the interior design here. I love the black and white that allows for the colors (Especially the reds) to pop against it. I love the forest-like wallpaper. It’s just so pretty!

-I gotta say, I’m really happy seeing Sidney again. The actor just rocks!

-Breaking and entering honeymoon? Sign me the fuck up! :D

-I need a map of Storybrooke SO badly. For a while, I HC’d the mansion as being closer to the town line, but I guess it’s closer to the docks? Thoughts?

-I gotta say, I think it’s a little dumb having Rumple be able to stop people in their tracks like that and have it only happen again like one or two times.

-Speaking of the auction, kind of weird that the Sorcerer’s Hat never came up in it.

-I really like how The Enchanted Forest was given an actual name. It’s not that I don’t like calling it The Enchanted Forest, but calling it Misthaven makes it feel more like a place with a history and a life to it rather than just...a place.

-”I need my beauty sleep.” Woowww, Pabbie. Way to leave in the rudest fucking way ever! Like, I’m bored, byeee! Your in-laws are there, clearly upset about this! Put in some more fucking effort!

-Anna, I don’t think Elsa’s “making excuses” when she’s the queen and can’t abandon her country!

-One of my favorite jokes that’s so underrated is how the “DO NOT BLOCK GATE EVER” fence just gets fucking stepped over! XD

-That snowman doesn’t even look scared! He just looks annoyed! Someone, make this dude a tiara!

-Nathaniel--I mean Kristoph! It’s you! ...I think watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend might have made it impossible for me to fully immerse myself into this character.

-Fuck yeah, Marian! Going in for the fight! ...I do wonder. I guess had Regina not decided to save her, Zelena would’ve revealed herself in order to not die.

-”I don’t know what that [Netflix] is but sure.” I love this line so much!

-”Unless...another monster appears and kills me.” ...Welcome to your life, ma boy.

-I’d like to think that during that pause when Sidney wouldn’t appear, he was talking to Ingrid and plotting.

-Damn, Belle! You pull that off! Or rather, I suppose it was pulled off of you! ;)

-RUMPLE AND HIS SEXY ASS ARMS! WE HAVE RUMPLE AND HIS SEXY ASS ARMS! NOT A DRILL.

-...Anna, that’s not how you wear a necklace!

Favorite Dynamic

Emma and Regina. You would think given how I really don’t like what’s to come that this episode would’ve done no favors for me, but honestly, I love Emma and Regina’s dynamic here! As I said before, while I roll my eyes at a lot of the lines given to Regina here, I do think it makes absolute perfect sense -- not deserved, but make sense -- for Regina to be angry at Emma. And Emma is adamant that she doesn’t regret saving her life, but still feels terrible that Regina lost Robin in the process. It’s a very nuanced aspect of this conflict. I also feel like their reactions to their fight were really well written. Emma is trying to live up to both her job as the Savior and her resolve to fight against her walls by trying to find Regina to talk while Regina’s more reserved character aspects kick into high gear and she slinks back to think on the matter.

Writer

Adam and Eddy are our main guys today, as per usual with season openers and they did a great job! In a vacuum, so much of this story is great and sets up a lot of the conflict and mystery of the next half season. And while the rest of the half season doesn’t hit bullseye at every point, they do succeed more often than they don’t.

Rating

9/10. This episode is a little hard to watch in hindsight because of the potential of some things that just really didn’t pan out, BUT within the context of this episode, the initial quality of these arcs is so present and that’s what this review is mostly here to judge. While not balanced in the sense of giving everyone something to do, I do think that there was a perfect balance of character usage. Everyone placement and actions feel right and appropriate for their characters. Finally, I know I’m in the minority, but I LOVE the Frozen cast. They added a nice bit of charm to the episode and made a very memorable first impression.

Flip My Ship - The Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness”

Captain Swan - I really like the CS plot here. Romance, especially after Neal’s death, isn’t the easiest thing for her and especially given what just happened with Regina, she doesn’t want to let herself be happy, but Killian’s making sure that she gives herself that chance. So, also, I always grinned when I saw Emma fall right on top of Killian. I love when that happens with romantic pairings! And their kiss is just fantastic here! Emma is still very much interested and she feels guilty putting Killian on the side while she deals with her feelings and circumstances.

Rumbelle - I freakin’ love the breaking and entering honeymoon! RUMBELLE PORN! Just...that dance. That music. Robert Carlyle’s smile. My only regret is that we had to sacrifice the awesome outfits Rumple were already wearing (Though they make it up later in the bedroom! ;) ) AND SPEAKING OF THE BEDROOM. Yeah, Belle looks pretty freakin’ satisfied with whatever kinky shit they just got up to!

-----

Hey everyone! So, I altered the review style a little bit. I don’t know whether or not I’ll stick with this or return to the old format, but I feel like this was a better way to condense my thoughts. The Season 3 Overview will be posted...at some point, tbh. I don’t know why, but it is really hard to write right now and since I’m already behind, I figured that I’ll just jump into Season 4!

Thanks to the fabulous folks at @watchingfairytales and to my badass boss of a friend @daensarah! Finally, thank you to my loyal readers! Happy holidays to you all!!!

Season 3 Total (9/230)

Writer Scores: Adam and Eddy: (9/60)

*Links to the rest of my rewatch will no longer be provided. They take posts with links outside of searches and I spend way too much time on these reviews to not give them that kind of exposure. Sorry for the inconvenience, but they still can be found on my page under Operation Rewatch.

[breadclubrising]

I’ve seen a lot of people cheering Tana for this opinion, but as much as I love Tana and Ibushi, and might seem a very unlikely defender of Kenneth Omegaman’s extra ass, Tana is just fucking wrong about this, at least right now. 

Classic rachel breadclub oversharing, thinking too much about a thing, and writing too much about it under the cut:

Ibushi fans are constantly bummed because he doesn’t win the big ones. He’s not “loyal” in the eyes of NJPW. So he’s not going to win. You gotta be okay with that; he’s a free bitch and as long as he remains not-tied-down to anything, he’s not going to be winning anything. It’s not Kenny holding him back. That’s something Ibushi has to decide for himself. And has, repeatedly.

Because of all that disloyalty—continued, repeated disloyalty in the eyes of NJPW—Kota would be beyond buried if it weren’t for his GOAT-level talent. AND if it weren’t for Kenny. If you think Kenneth is constantly reminding us that he loves Kota Ibushi simply to give The Gays what we want, that (SIGH) doesn’t give Kenny enough credit for his understanding of the business and of his ‘life partner.’

Kenny sees this loyalty vs. unbelievable talent dynamic, and has relentlessly made sure he brings Kota along in his success in every single way he possibly can. He can’t influence Kota’s booking, but he can damn well make sure no one ever forgets who the IWGP Heavyweight Champion’s favorite wrestler is. After the match that caused Kenny to lose the G1, Kenny said “this is the age of Kota Ibushi.” And he is doing whatever is in his power to make it that way.

I was in the room once (well, many times) when my former mother-in-law was berating my very brilliant and talented former partner about not wanting to become a surgeon like his father. This particular time, he said “mom, I’d be miserable,” and it was the first time he’d put it in terms of just not wanting to rather than making up things he wanted to be hardworking-ly-brilliant at instead. She told him that was incredibly selfish, and he said “would you rather I be happy or successful?” She said “if you’re successful, you’ll be happy.” He said, “you have it exactly backwards.”

I don’t wanna go out of my lane here, but my ex partner felt, and it seemed fair to say, that that enormous rift in the definition of “success” was an effect of his immigrant parents with traditional Asian values raising a kid who grew up American.

I often wonder whether one of the reasons Kota is drawn to Kenny is that while Kenny is driven and motivated by success, and although he spent the past few years fighting this truth tooth and nail, he still has that (pretty western) value that you are successful if you’re happy, and that success is never worth being unhappy, rather than the exact inverse of those statements. Because that’s the only way Kota’s been able to live his life, even though he himself has fought that aspect of his personality. 

Tana’s real old school. He values hard work and sacrifice and loyalty, and he loves and is amazed by Ibushi (as anyone with eyes should be) but he doesn’t really understand him and gets this real patronizing tone when he talks about Ibushi. If I had to wager, I’d guess someone like Kota has heard that fatherly tone from people his entire life. And it’s probably frustrating, because if he could have done things the traditional way, he probably would have. Easier that way.

Tana is putting expectations on Kota that Kota has already spent his career defying, to his own detriment a lot of the time. Kenny understands deeply that the person Kota is will never be motivated by shame about what he should be accomplishing. It will just make him feel worse. Kenneth is bringing Kota into his spotlight at every opportunity AND supporting him in finding success in his own way, maybe being one voice among many saying “yes, your happiness is a worthwhile priority.”

But I will admit, every time I have to watch Kota be dazzling and lose, I wonder how long he’ll be truly happy without success, and I hope he’s paying attention to that.  

ANYWAY THE AWESOME THING ABOUT THIS IS IT’S ALL THERE IN KAYFABE THENKS NJPW AND THENKS WRESTLING FOR YOUR GOOD STORYTELLING! :’’’’’)

[luckilyiambrave]

hey, I just wanted to ask you something.. one of phil's biggest fears is not being good enough, right? I don't think it's that big of a stretch to assume that he indeed thinks that the only reason he got anywhere is because of phan and that he lives in dan's shadow. I think those totally can be some of his insecurities, since there's some truth in pretty much every joke. it was self-depreciation and self-awareness at the same time. sad that people are constantly proving him right, too

the thing about this is everything was so accurate in that diss track that I felt that self awareness really get to me asklkddsds but the whole point of a diss track is to shine light on things that’s not always positive about one’s self with humor aspects in with it as well and phil dotted every i and crossed every t basically. you’d be lying if phil didn’t know that the d&p brand sold so well because it does. and it’s their dynamic is what draws someone in it’s been like that for years. phil shaded every thing you could possibly throw at him from his appearance, behavior, and other things that I would have never guessed he would makes address that being said, a person’s insecurities isn’t what makes a person even though they are in fact true. Phil is only a shadow if you treat him like so. Phil better know he is loved and appreciated because he is. Phil is more than just what people perceive him as or how he perceives himself. He’s made a whole world out of brand that he has the lower hand on and he just takes it with stride and makes most out of the life he has and it’s good for him to say he’ll make changes for himself and not on behalf of other people’s thoughts. it’s a diss track it wasn’t supposed to this deep. it was supposed to be taken as a joke but it also opened a chance for Phil to say he doesn’t give a shit about what people think about him as he once did and that’s just some strong character development isn’t it?

[vroenis]

Board Games, Adulthood, Mentorship

Yeah yeah I’m still short of time but I wanted to write a quick word about board games.

Here’s a cut’n’paste from my collection from the BGG aka the cursed place;

There’s still a lot of colonialism and cultural appropriation in my collection that I haven’t purged yet. That’s going to have to wait as almost all of our games are in storage so I had to just get as good a screencap as I could this late at night. And yea howdy well Condottiere still gets a showing with the good ol’ Pope an’ all but I wanted Core Worlds and Cosmogenesis in the image so there was nothing for it. It’s a funny culture, board gaming - what we have accepted for a good mechanism - and still are. I really wish Condottiere would get a retheme. I guess Gwent was it of a fashion but I’m not into the rest of it.

I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about board games here before but if pictures help, I am about this many Board Game Things involved in the hobby/activity/etcetera;

I did mention a purge. At least half of that Owned number will be going. I’ve just come back from about a two year break from playing super regularly - not only playing but also teaching games and organising and running game groups and often events. Event as distinct from a normal regular game day, I guess we’d call them because even if it’s just at our house or someone else’s, it would involve inviting enough people to run three or more tables and game sessions simultaneously. That involves some logistics, from confirming a date convenient for all to feeding everyone.

Before Covid-19, I’d already taken a step back entirely from my engagements with board games. At one point I was producing an amateurish podcast with R which we really enjoyed - it was a lot of work but rewarding in a lot of ways. I could have invested more money into it but life always has competing priorities. It’s not just the money, it’s always also the energy.

The best thing for me is the break has been fantastic, and playing games again with J and a dear friend of ours recently was an immensely positive experience. All of us are seasoned board gamers, we all know what we like and learn mechanisms and dynamics quickly. As for me personally, while I effectively disengaged from a lot of high-impact aspects such as keeping up with newest reviews in my sabbatical, I still always continued to reflect on game design, art, culture, behaviour, the things we can do better, and the things that are really - really good about board games.

In my professional work, I do a lot of teaching. Sometimes it’s more formal - we deploy a tool or process and I share that directly with my team or interdepartmentally with staff throughout the company. Sometimes it’s informal and very often in bursts, micro-learning if you will. Because of my tenure, I’m experienced in process and detail so staff will check in with me about things and I’m happy to share my knowledge. As adults, these opportunities for teaching are quite rare, and I’ve mentioned this on Twitter in a board games related discussion. One of the few areas we see this is in video games which I really love - for a wider audience, we can observe this behaviour in streams and vods but I think most of us who play video games will have had this experience long before streams were a thing. It’s when one person shares a game with friends, either by passing a controller or sitting at a PC together, or joining a session online together with other friends and introducing them to the game - because it’s one of the group’s new or old favourite, or we’re all learning it together. Either some players engage in teaching straight button or keybinds to the others, or everyone learns together and there’s rapid sharing of knowledge.

In the past I’ve been critical of some of the truly heinous and abusive aspects of nerd and geek culture that we are still struggling with to this day, but this is one of the best aspects of it that I feel we don’t praise enough. As youth who embraced and mastered technology and esotericism, we shouldn’t denigrate the quirks of our culture either, I really don’t like the diminutive self-effacing cliché of the weird nerd whose hobbies are strange. Our cultures can be intelligently explained, as much responsibility to comprehend them falls to us to communicate them as does society to accept us and have the patience to listen.

Board games provide an opportunity for mentorship and teaching among adults that’s rare and unique, for me that’s distinct even from video games. I adore video games, as it were, and would also love more humans to play them with but alas, the humans I know all have diverse tastes which is great, but we don’t video game together. Nevertheless - board games allow adults to engage in teaching, learning, experimentation, failure and mastery in a uniquely safe space with people they hopefully are comfortable with. OK that sentence is super loaded with assumptions and presuppositions and they’re a whole other discussion, so I should stipulate that I’m talking about established board game groups. 

I do want to be careful not to paint Board Games Culture as something that is Good And Only Good All The Time And Everyone Who Does It Is Definitely Wholly Good Yes You Can Trust All People Who Play Board Games This Definitely Doesn’t Sound Like A Cult 

because as you can imagine wow there are people who make the hobby sound like a cult and I was bordering on being one of them just now. It’s easy to paint anything as pure when you get trapped in the Positivity Only bubble mindset and there is a massive dark-space in board games that I don’t want to go into here but it is very real, painfully and unavoidably so. Before opening up a game group to strangers, even a friend-of-a-friend, there are some really basic ground-rules that need to be established that for some might seem to be common sense but may be surprisingly difficult to understand. Again, I don’t want to go into that here and some folks may read that and think “nah you’re overthinking it” and I’m telling you I’m not - I am here to tell you that yes, it’s as simple as 

sometimes you actually can’t assume you can bust out a social game about lying on a stranger when you don’t know them for reeeeeally good reasons and there are really easy things you can do in preparation for that or simply not do it at all 

but again, that might be a discussion for another day and you know, I might just get around to writing that one in particular.

Anyway - gaming with people you know (*and even then!!!*) and people you don’t (the boundary conversation feels too important not to have but I keep interrupting myself so I’ll stop) being two super interesting topics for nuanced exploration, teaching games again recently and also the discussions I’ve engaged with online have felt really good.

What has also felt good has been my personal focus on other people. I think that’s what I like so much about teaching board games. As a games teacher, your primary concern is oversight of the session. The game itself is almost secondary, although of-course you never intentionally want to play a bad game. The quality of the game is measured by how well it facilitates the enjoyment of the people playing it, but the same is true of the facilitator, and that’s you - the teacher and ambassador. 

That would have been a nice segue into the piece I’ve been yearning to write for about the two years I’ve been on sabbatical, which is Playing In Good Faith, and I mentioned it in the tweet thread discussion - that every participant in a board game signs an unwritten contract to facilitate the enjoyment of every other person sitting at the table. Board gaming is a social activity. Yes, we do more or less have an interest in the game we’re playing, we usually wouldn’t really play a game we don’t want to play except for ambassadorship reasons which is understandable, but ultimately we gather together for one-another. Sometimes in-between playing board games we eat food together, one of the oldest and most cherished social activities humans engage in. I want to write in a bit more detail about whether looking for rules exploits is playing in good faith, and also how we might as teachers and ambassadors seek to address Analysis Paralysis - when players take a lot of time to play, from a teaching trajectory perspective, which is to say, from a long-term view in how we teach individuals and groups specific games and also how we introduce games to people and groups.

Again - a lot to that, so it has to wait for another day, or days, when I can draft and write it. It’s late and I have to go to bed.

[polyrolemodels]

Poly Role Models: Educator Intimacy Con Amore

PolyRoleModels: So, welcome to PolyRoleModels. Thank you for taking the time. Would you like to introduce yourself?

Intimacy: Yes, thank you. Hi, my name is Intimacy Con Amore, and I am stoked to be here.

PolyRoleModels: Awesome, awesome. Yeah, let's go right into it. How long have you been polyamorous, or been practicing polyamory?

Intimacy: My entire life. My first relationship that was really a relationship was when I was 12 years old, and it lasted for two years, and included finding out he had a second girlfriend that he was keeping from me, calling her, laying the landscape out for her, telling her, "No wait, we're not mad about him dating each other, we're mad about him lying, so let's call him and tell him, 'You don't have to lie about this.'" We called him and told him that, and he agreed and apologized, and neither one of us broke up with him, and then both of our relationships just kind of organically grown out of a relationship by the time we started high school. But we're all still friends, and he thanks me often about teaching him to be honest and ethical about all of his relationship choices.

PolyRoleModels: Nice, very nice. What does your current relationship dynamic look like?

Intimacy: I have three longterm partners of 20 years, and that's always been a long distance relationship. 18 years and he lives locally, but he travels so much that it feels like a long distance relationship. And then, a ten year relationship and he lives less than two miles away.

PolyRoleModels: Oh, nice. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Intimacy: Probably the communication, and sadly, encouraging, supporting, and educating others not to be cheaters and liars.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's how you got your start, right?

Intimacy: Right.

PolyRoleModels: What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

Intimacy: Other people's expectations of my free time to be what I feel like is they feel entitled to, and so maybe for the last five years I've really focused on any new pursuits, it's about patience and making sure that they're not an impatient person and that they don't feel entitled to a certain amount of time with me, because maybe I want to see her every day for two weeks, maybe you don't want to see me every day for two weeks, but neither of us should expect each other to have the same amount of time set aside for each other, or even that mutual desire on the same day. Maybe I don't want to see you today, but you wanted to see me. You shouldn't be upset with me, you should just communicate that and accept that today's not that day, can I see you tomorrow?

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, I've been on both sides of that. How do you address and/or overcome these struggles? And I feel like you kind of answered it, but in case you wanted to add more to it.

Intimacy: Well, just in the last couple of years, I've addressed it by it being something we talk about up front, and it's also something that, recently, they have to prove to me, where before it was difficult because it wasn't something that I had even recognized was important to me, and it took me years of having that reoccurring problem, and I didn't really have the wording, because I didn't really have it identified as something that was important to me. It would just be, why are we having these problems around time, and it never occurred to me until recently, okay, no, this is something that for me is a very important requirement, desire. I can't be entitled. And before I felt like, "Well, I'm the woman," and in my mind, sticking to traditional heterosexual normal roles. "I have to available for my man at all times to be a good woman," and I'm not there anymore.

I know that's not a requirement for me to be a good mate regardless of my sex or gender, and so I guess I do head it off at the beginning now, so it's not a problem later, where before it would just be super frustrating to match up, like no, you can't insist that I have to be available for you every Friday and Saturday night, especially when I'm not just seeing you, there are other people who want to go out on Friday and Saturday night with me too, so we have to learn how to share these Friday and Saturday nights with others.

PolyRoleModels: Yes, definitely. All right. In terms of risk-aware or safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Intimacy: We get tested often. I get tested more often than my partners, because I have lupus and arthritis and diabetes, which means my immune system's weaker than the average human, so I get tested about every six weeks, sometimes eight weeks. Used to be a struggle, because I would have to fight my doctor for that, but now it's been the norm for her for some years now. She doesn't really argue with me, she just does it, like "Hey, did I give tests last month? Oh, it was last month, not this month? Okay, well I guess it's time." You know. Because I have regular monthly appointments, and sometimes they can be every other month if I'm super healthy. I'm only fluid-bonded with one partner, and he recently got a divorce, and haven't seen him since it was official, so I think we're going to have a conversation where I'm not going to be fluid-bonded with anyone, because now that he's quote-unquote "not married" and more free to do what he's going to do because he doesn't live with anyone, I just think it would be safer for all of us not to be fluid bonded and just use condoms and those who are fertile, something extra, more than just condoms.

PolyRoleModels: I understand. Okay. Good answer, by the way. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history, and how did you rebound from that?

Intimacy: I think the worst mistake I've ever made is the same mistake I keep making, is I tend to be too trusting, and I want to believe in the absolutely best of my partners, like I don't want to believe that they're lying to me. I don't want to believe that they're being abused by another partner. I want to believe that they know how to protect themselves, and over and over again, the real problems that end up ending my relationships, and that's usually me saying, "No, this is not healthy for you or me so I'm walking away now, even though we may both share love for each other, love is not enough by itself if there are things like other partners abusing you or other partners manipulating your time with other partners, which I don't think is completely fair, but ... I just kind of deal with what I deal with. I think I believe in complete optimism, and I guess maybe I don't really take a clear look at quote-unquote the "not so great things" that could be happening.

PolyRoleModels: Okay. That makes sense, definitely. What self-identities are important to you, and how do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with or affects these identities?

Intimacy: Self-identities. My self-identity recently, in the last year, has been evolving, and the great thing about that was meeting some people at the 2016 Poly Symposium in Dallas, and they were open and honest and very sharing about their gender non-binary, nonconforming journeys, and it felt like part of their stories, they were telling my story, but I didn't know that was my story, I didn't have the wording to frame around it.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Intimacy: Prior to last year I just always told people, "Oh, I'm just super tomboy." But in the last year, I've really done some really studying with my medical professionals, with other people who are not just cis female or cis male, and talking about different feelings and identifying with some of the same feelings they shared with me, like from the time I was little bitty, like six years old, "I want to play soccer, I don't want to be a cheerleader." I just never was very quote-unquote "girly", but I'm trapped in a girly body, of then that comes with girly expectations from the outside world, and so as far as my gender, for now I feel like Two Spirit's probably the best word to identify.

I have no desire to have surgery, but definitely have never felt as female as my body appears to be, and I think being poly helps me not have to fight the quote-unquote "female gender roles" as much as I felt like I had to fight them in my younger years when I quote-unquote "attempted to be monogamous," but never felt complete in monogamous relationships, always felt like I was dying inside and dim, like I was having to not be my whole full self when I would agree to be monogamous, because I didn't have any other partners at certain points, so one partner would say, "Well, if you're not dating anyone else, why don't we be monogamous?" And I was like, "Okay."

At 40 this year, I will never be monogamous for any relationship. It's not a possibility because it's not who I am. I think being polyamorous allows me to meet other people who are open-minded about other things, not just about relationship styles, and that's so awesome. I feel like when I interact with different polyamorous social circles all over, like France or not just American poly social circles, there's a clear amount of less and less judgment based on gender roles, based on cultural norms, based on my race because I'm of mixed race, I'm Native American, African American, and Irish Anglo-American, and honestly I guess the most judgment I've received is usually from Americans.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, I can imagine that. Last but not least, do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, et cetera, that you are involved with that you'd like to promote?

Intimacy: I have a group and a page under the same name. You can also find me on Twitter, IG, and SnapChat. It's all under Polyamorous Freedom to Love, and for short, my handle is PolyFreeLove, and I just want to continue doing community work, hosting community events to help bring awareness about polyamory and non-monogamous type of relationships that are about ethical honestly and acceptance and just, I guess, obliterating quote-unquote "traditional gender roles."

PolyRoleModels: Nice. Thank you so much for taking the time. Yeah, that's ... I feel like there should be a better ending than that.

Intimacy: Well I appreciate you thanking me, and thank you, I'm so honored to be interviewed and questioned by you. I've been following you for two years now, so-

PolyRoleModels: Wow, really?

Intimacy: It's pretty exciting.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, that's ... it's still weird to hear. I always feel like no one's listening and then someone's like, "Oh yeah, but I was listening." Yeah. We met at Poly Dallas Millennium, and someone told me a couple hours ago that the reason they went to that same conference was because they read about it in my blog and I was like, "Really? That's ... okay. I'll take it."

Intimacy: Yes, yes, yes, definitely. Yeah, there was a couple people who were there that I recently met at a local polyamorous event, because we have them here in Dallas. There's probably three or four every month, they same event, like we have First Fridays in Dallas ... I'm sorry, we have First Fridays in Ft Worth, Third Fridays in Dallas, and then there's always a DFW Black and Poly group, and they usually have two events a month, and they're usually on Saturdays, and so a handful of people that were at those events, I go to the events just to spread the word about other events, because if you don't get out there and meet people, sitting behind your computer screen you can only meet so many people, and it's not the same as meeting people in person.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, absolutely.

Intimacy: So yeah, I definitely follow you. I found out about you from a share in the main Black and Poly group.

PolyRoleModels: Okay, yeah, that's ... I don't share all of my stuff there, but most of it these days. There was a point when I was only sharing profiles if it was about someone who was black and poly, but somebody called me out on it, so now I share most of my stuff there.

Intimacy: That's good. I totally agree. I didn't notice that, I wouldn't have called you out on it, but I don't have time to be in that group that often because I run so many other groups-

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, same.

Intimacy: ... But definitely, yeah, don't limit the exposure of what you have to share based on ...

PolyRoleModels: I am a shameful self-promoter. I am by no means shameless. But again, thank you for taking the time. PolyRoleModels appreciates your contribution, and I'll give you a heads-up before I post and all that.

Intimacy: Awesome, thank you, I appreciate it. I look forward to seeing you at other conferences, and maybe we can get together on some other non-monogamous projects sometime.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, no, absolutely.

Intimacy: Okay, awesome.

PolyRoleModels: I'm trying to exit the full-screen mode so that I can actually ... Ah, this thing.

Intimacy: Usually if you hit the escape button, that usually kills the full screen.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, one would think, and I would think because I am also one ... Oh, there we go. Yeah, trying to figure out how to-

—

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