#i guess its just avoidance(since this has to do with something i gotta do in the future)

[skitskatdacat63]

have you ever…. taken your placement exam (sorry bud just checkin in bc i saw your tags earlier)

Hello!! Sorry, I didn't want to answer this until I actually did it! Thank you for encouraging me and checking up on me, I really appreciate it :DDD

[jeonqkooks]

our beloved summer | jjk (07)

You made a vow to hate Jeon Jungkook ever since he packed up and left you without a single explanation, but when he shows up at your door after years of radio silence, it turns out that maybe your resolve isn’t as strong as you thought.

pairing: producer!jungkook x songwriter!reader genre/warnings: exes au, fluff, angst, eventual smut, swearing, mentions of oc's mother because we know girlie is hella traumatized, mentions of drinking, mentions of an almost physical fight, abandonment issues, jk forgets to practice safe driving for 2 seconds, and uhmmm kissing 🤫, anddd that cliffhanger? 👀 rating: 18+ (minors dni) word count: 10.8k note (1): this is the longest it has taken me to update obs and i do feel pretty guilty about that. but it's finally here now and this is one of the chapters that i'm the most nervous about posting. massive thanks to @daechwitatamic and @/wintaerbaer (edited 2024: crossed out but not removed bc even tho she plagiarized obs afterward, she did beta this for me so i guess i still gotta give her that lmfao) for beta-ing this for me or else i would've screamed cried thrown up and scrapped the whole thing, and to @jeonwiixard for being a wonderful cheerleader as i was writing this, and to everyone in my beloved obs discord server for always being so sweet and kind and putting a smile on my smile every day since the server was created. also to my sunshine ☀︎ for introducing me to the song mentioned below bc HELLO is it not just one of the most obs coded songs ever. love you all my babies <3

series masterpost / playlist ; moodboards ; taglist join our OBS discord server ✨

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

Somewhere in the multiverse There's a me and you that works We never fuck it up We're out there still in love Somewhere in the multiverse Maybe that's enough

multiverse - Maya Manuele ft. PEMRBOKE

Sometimes, whenever you look up at the moon at night, you wonder if Jungkook is doing the same thing.

Even when you fall out of love with someone, it still hurts. It hurts because you once loved them so much it felt like the sky would collapse if you couldn’t be with them. It hurts because the love wasn’t taken from you, but rather it started slipping away on its own, more and more each day until you realize you’re holding onto nothing when there once was everything.

You can’t say that you’re too familiar with that kind of hurt though. You’ve never fallen out of love before.

You don’t think Jungkook is too familiar with it either, at least not when he left you.

You wonder if he thinks about you from time to time and gets sad. You think he does, because you know that he loved you. Something ended for him too. The memories that you shared were his memories too.

You hope that it’s painful for him whenever thoughts of you cross his mind, because that would mean that he cares. That a part of him still cares.

And if he still cares, then he might come back.

Despite the front that you try to parade around, there is a part of you that will always leave your heart vacant for him, regardless of whether or not he would return. It’s a scary thought, one that you would rather avoid at all costs, one that says there will be no one that you love more than you loved Jungkook. Maybe there can’t be another person that you will love at all.

You can come back quietly, like the wind slipping through the crack I leave in the window at night; or you can announce your return resoundingly like a sudden downpour quenching the summer heat. I don’t care. I kept your side of the bed empty and warm, waiting for you to come back. Hoping that you would come home.

[08:47] Yoongi: sure you don’t want me to drive you there? [08:48] Yoongi: i can pick you up in 30 [08:52] You: positive 🤧 i told you i already booked the train. it’s only 4 hours away [08:53] You: i’ll survive, yoongs [08:55] Yoongi: did you not watch Train To Busan? [08:56] You: ? [08:57] Yoongi: what if there’s a zombie apocalypse [09:00] You: yoongi if there’s a zombie apocalypse, how is your CONVERTIBLE supposed to keep me safe [09:01] Yoongi: i’ll put the roof up [09:02] You: stop talking [09:02] You: please stop talking. [09:03] Yoongi: 😡😡😡 [09:03] You: 😇 [09:03] You: gotta get dressed now though. i’ll see u when i get back? :) [09:05] Yoongi: fine [09:06] Yoongi: safe travels. text me when you get there :)

You plop onto your bed with a sigh, glancing at the bag that’s already packed and sitting near your wardrobe, lonely. You stay like that for a while, contemplating whether or not you should bail at the very last minute.

It was not on your bingo card that you’d be here, agonizing over your ex-boyfriend’s brother’s wedding. Nope. Absolutely no one saw it coming.

For fuck’s sake, why would they invite you to a wedding? A celebration of love? It feels like you’re being forced onto a prank show, just waiting for someone to jump out and scream in your face.

You learned that the wedding was for close friends and family only, so it would be a relatively small event, which makes it even more confusing why you were also asked to join. Maybe the world is changing too rapidly and you’re just a little old-fashioned for it, but you really don’t understand why your ex-boyfriend’s family would want you there.

Taehyung and Jimin were invited too; they’re Jungkook’s best friends after all. They’re practically an extension of the family, Jungkook’s brothers by choice. But Taehyung doesn’t come back from his work trip until the day of the wedding, and Jimin… Well, he just doesn’t want to go to a Busan wedding in the middle of winter.

So why are you even going?

You could’ve declined. Said you couldn’t attend because the invitation came in so late. Made up a work trip or a family emergency. There’s a plethora of excuses you could’ve used.

Or you could’ve simply said no. That would’ve been perfectly fine too. No one would even need to ask why.

But maybe it was because his mother had customized the invite with her own handwriting in the back. You would’ve missed it if you hadn’t spent hours meticulously studying the card like someone was going to quiz you. It wasn’t anything special - just We hope to see you there - but you think you’d feel really bad to decline after she’d made the extra effort to ask you to come.

When you told Yoongi that you would be attending Jungkook’s brother’s wedding, he didn’t seem upset. Still cool as a cucumber. Although if he was bothered by the announcement, you don’t think he would’ve let it show. It did take him a minute to take it in, but then he just pecked your cheek and asked if you could bring a plus-one. You both knew that you wouldn’t even if that was an option.

Pushing your body off the bed, you drag yourself to the bathroom to splash some water on your face. Then sunscreen. Then change into the clothes you’d already picked out last night. Your train doesn’t leave for another hour and fifteen minutes, but you want to be there at least twenty minutes early just in case. This is one of your only good habits.

You rub your eyes when you finally haul yourself outside, thinking you must still be dreaming because what is Jungkook’s car doing here?

You blink a few times, expecting the vehicle to disappear in a puff of white smoke.

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.

The car is in front of you, but the man is nowhere to be found.

You stand there dumbfoundedly, contemplating whether you should wait it out for a little bit to see if he’s actually here. He comes running up to you a couple minutes later, holding two paper cups in his hands, one of them a chai latte. A memory you’d buried long ago comes rushing to the surface. It’s too early for you to be feeling.

“Hi,” he says, his warm breath coming out in a huff of smoke in the crisp morning air.

“Hi?” you mutter dumbly when he trades the bag in your hand for the drink. There’s a moment where you’re genuinely baffled, wondering if this is a memory reel playing right before your eyes. This is your Jungkook, wearing that same old smile whenever he used to come bounding up your dorm building so you could walk to the library together, where he would hang out with you during your shift if he didn’t have classes. “What are you doing here?”

You don’t remember telling him what time your train was, so he’d probably badgered it out of Taehyung or Jimin somehow.

“I thought I could drive us there,” he says. “I texted you about it.”

Well, that explains it. You don’t bother with his dozens of messages anymore. “Oh, uhm, I already booked the train.”

This doesn’t seem to faze him at all. “Free cancellation up to 15 minutes before departure.” Jungkook grins, clearly eager despite your obvious reluctance. It’s too early for this, whatever the hell this is.

When you told him that you had RSVP’d yes to the invitation, he was surprised that you even knew about the wedding. He even seemed nervous that day.

“What if I’d already left?” you ask.

He blinks, then stammers like a confused child. It’s cute, and you have to mentally slap yourself over the head for even thinking that.

“Then I’d go after you.”

How? you scoff internally. Unrealistic.

Regardless, not even an hour ago, you were declining Yoongi’s offer to drive you there. Now, you’re standing here, in front of your ex-boyfriend, contemplating whether or not you should go with him.

“Let’s go,” he says after a minute. “We don’t wanna be stuck in traffic.”

“I haven’t said yes.” Yet. “It’s a 4-hour drive.”

You don’t have to clarify what you mean. He understands it.

You both just stare at each other for a moment, the tension suddenly thickening with every passing second. Four hours on the road. Four hours alone in a car with Jungkook. That’s about two hundred minutes more than you think you can handle.

It’s like he can see right through you. “Don’t think about it,” he says, voice dropping lower. “It’s just a weekend. Everything will still be here for you to think about when we get back.”

In your head, it translates to: All of our shit will still be here when we get back. You can keep being mad at me then.

You hope that’s not true. You hope that when you get back, the things that keep you up at night will simply cease to exist. That in the two days you’ll be gone, a genie will materialize and solve all your problems for you.

Either way, it’s probably for the best that you aren’t mean to him this weekend. You’re stuck with him for the next 48 hours or so; it’ll only stress you out even more if you channel all of your energy into tormenting him. Besides, you’re already the ex girlfriend who has no place alongside his family. You don’t want to be the dark cloud raining on everyone’s parade too.

Maybe you’d already made up your mind when you let him take the bag from you.

For the first half of the drive, you were unconscious.

It’s a useless superpower that you have, the ability to fall asleep anywhere - literally anywhere, including in the passenger seat of your ex-boyfriend’s car while he escorts you to his hometown. Melatonin gummies manufacturers hate you.

You could’ve slept the whole drive, but around the second hour mark, you were startled awake when your body jostled forward, straining against your seatbelt uncomfortably. There was an arm trying to hold you back, despite the seatbelt having done its job well.

“Fuck,” Jungkook curses before he turns toward you, worry written all over his face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, are you okay?”

You blink, still half asleep. “I’m okay,” you say. The minivan that Jungkook almost rear-ended continues on its merry way, carrying what seems to be a family of five. “What happened?”

He sighs, his outstretched arm retreating back to his side. “I got a bit distracted, that’s all.”

You take in your surroundings then. There’s barely any other cars in sight, no tacky billboard that sticks out like a sore thumb to catch your attention. There’s just the freeway, stretching on empty for all you can see.

“By what?” you ask.

“Nothing,” he says. “Go back to sleep. I’ll wake you when we get there.”

See, you have the superpower of falling asleep anywhere and everywhere, but once you’ve been woken up, it’s not as easy to fall back asleep.

That, and the fact that you’re hungry as shit.

You open your mouth, about to say no, about to offer to drive the rest of the way if Jungkook is tired, but your stomach doesn’t let you get a word out. It growls, filling the space of the car, making you want to chuck yourself out the fucking window and run all the way back to the city. This wouldn’t have happened had you taken the train, because if you had, there would’ve been food services and no one would be subject to hearing your stomach sing like it’s chewing out a small puppy in there. Life is nothing but an endless pit of embarrassment and despair.

Your arms hold themselves tighter around your frame, practically squeezing into your abdomen as you will it to please, please, please be quiet. Jungkook stares at you, and you can tell by the teeny tiny quirk of his lips that he’s trying to bite back a smile. He’s relaxed, but there’s still something hesitant on his face. It takes him a minute before he finally throws the question out.

“Do you want to go to that guksu place that we used-” that we used to go to, “you know the place. The one that’s right off the freeway?”

The sun is out today. The sky unfolds endlessly just outside the window, coloring blue everything your eyes land on. There are strips of clouds scattered here and there, like delicate strokes of white paint on an azure canvas. Even the winter cold has to soften.You bite into your cheek. Don’t think, that’s what he had told you.

Not much about this quaint restaurant has changed. The quirky decorations are still where they used to be, the windows still the same unique stained glass that you never came across anywhere else. You remember the elderly woman who runs the place, even if she doesn’t have a single clue who you are. The golden retriever you used to fawn over every time you stopped by, sits quietly by the door and watches the cars pass by, his fur now graying as weariness begins to settle into those old bones.

You would’ve been displeased if the place had changed, because, well, you don’t like change. But then again, this familiarity is dangerous. It tricks you into thinking that everything is still the same, even you and him. Deludes you into believing that you’re still in love and that he’ll walk out of here holding your hand.

Regardless, the first spoonful has you biting back a smile.

“How is it?” Jungkook asks.

It makes you feel all warm inside, and then a little sad, nostalgic.

“Tastes just the same,” you tell him simply.

“Hmm.”

He lets you satisfy your hunger in peace. It’s the least he can do anyway.

There’s a wall near the back of the restaurant, where people could hang polaroids of themselves and cute handwritten notes. You think if you dig through the hundreds of photos scattered across the space, you might be able to find you and Jungkook there, if you two haven’t already been thrown out long ago to make room for new memories.

He pays for your food after you’re both finished, despite some protesting on your side. As you leave, you’re busy thinking that if you could have a moment to marvel at that far-back wall of memories, if you could find a photo of you and him there, you would probably sneak it into your coat pocket.

It’d be another thing to add to your pile of Jungkook memorabilia - the old clothes in the back of your closet, the stack of dusty polaroids at the bottom of your drawer. You wonder if he keeps anything of yours, maybe an old t-shirt that you forgot to take back. It’s probably unlikely, but a girl can hope.

You miss the way Jungkook glances back, thinking the exact same thing.

You survive the rest of the drive with more ease, probably because of the food. You spend most of the remaining 2 hours leaning against the window, humming to the radio, closing your eyes but not really sleeping. You even forget to be nervous about what is to come.

That is, until the car pulls up to the venue.

It’s absolutely gorgeous, and a lot bigger than you imagined - a modern beach house overlooking the waters. It’s not as extravagant as one would expect to see when they come to a wedding, but considering the small crowd in attendance, this is more than enough. You see people rush in and out of the place even from far away - planners, caterers, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, probably.

You feel a bit comforted just watching this. His family seems to be doing a lot better than before. It’s nice to know.

You barely make it out of the car before someone calls your name, and pulls you into a hug that knocks the wind out of you. Although, when you catch the scent of her hair, you instantly know who it is.

Parents usually have a scent that’s distinct to only their kids, a scent so cozy and homely that no perfume can ever mask. You can only describe your mom’s scent with a feeling, specifically the feeling of your chest tightening, tingling with a bittersweetness that you never found elsewhere. 

Strangely enough, Jungkook’s mother has always made you feel the opposite. She makes you feel relieved to be in her embrace, like she accepts you for who you are even if all you are to her, at the end of the day, is a stranger.

You hug her back awkwardly, hesitantly, in front of Jungkook’s dad, his brother Junghyun, and a girl you don’t know. You assume that she’s the bride-to-be, the main character whom this weekend revolves around. Sooji, you remember that was the name on the wedding invitation.

You get choked up suddenly, eyes turning glassy though you quickly blink it away. You’re not sure if you’ve had someone be so happy to see you. Bypassers might even think that you just found the cure for cancer.

For a second there, you wonder if your mere presence has ever made your mother this overjoyed.

You look at Jungkook for help, silently asking him to rescue you. Who else are you supposed to turn to if not him?

He understands that look. “Okay, mom,” he says, entangling her arms from you with ease, “Y/N’s tired from the drive. Let’s let her rest, yeah? I’ll show her the room.”

She ignores her son. “Honey,” she says, brushing your hair away from your face so she could see you better. “Thank you for coming.” She used to insist that you call her “mom”, or at least by her first name because “Mrs. Jeon” was too formal for someone she considered family.

You now have to opt for the latter, because “mom” isn’t an option for you anymore.

“Thank you for inviting me, Mrs. Jeon,” you tell her with a smile. You’re not really sure what else to say, but it makes you a little sad just calling her that.

She opens her mouth before closing it again, seemingly about to jokingly scold you for the formality before she recognizes the bittersweet look in your eyes. She just smiles at you then. There’s not much to be done about it.

You don’t know if anyone else sees how the moment is weighed down. Probably not. Maybe it’s just you and her who share this sentiment.

Jungkook doesn’t wait for his mom anymore. Sons, typical. He wedges himself between the two of you like a bulldozer and leads you inside the house. 

Even though all you have is an overnight bag, Jungkook carries it for you all the way up to your room, which is only down the hall from his. Then he disappears pretty quickly afterward, saying something about his best man duties and putting out fires. He seems apologetic as he tells you this, but it’s not like you’re expecting him to babysit you all weekend.

You bore yourself to death in your room for a while, before you remember you have to text Yoongi to let him know you got here safely. Though, you stop short of telling him that it was Jungkook who drove you here. It’s trivial enough, right? You don’t want Yoongi to feel bad over nothing. You do, however, inform Taehyung and Jimin when you text them about it, to which Jimin only responds with a preemptively disapproving ‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’

When you get too stir-crazy, you wander outside, hoping to explore the beach before it gets dark and colder. You try to stay out of everyone’s way, because a good guest is a quiet guest. You seem to be doing a good job. No one notices you, not even Jungkook’s mom but that’s because she’s the person you actively want to avoid the most. You don’t know what you’d even say to her if she gets you alone.

Everything is hectic, as one can probably imagine when it comes to wedding preparations. You haven’t had anyone close to you get married yet, so it’s safe to say that you’re pretty much clueless about all of this. You wonder what it’ll be like when your big day comes around, if you even ever get married. You haven’t thought about it in a long time. Why would you? You don’t really have a reason to think about this. It’s much easier to picture Taehyung’s or Jimin’s wedding day than your own.

Your opinion on having kids still remains the same, and you were never one of those girls who daydreamed about having a big and extravagant wedding, but it’s not such a bad idea to ponder about. You still think marriage is a scary thing - it’s one of the biggest commitments a person could ever make - but you’re not entirely opposed to getting married. 

Why are you even mulling over this? Your time might never even come.

When you round the corner to get the steps that would lead you down to the beach, you run into Sooji and a woman holding a thick binder - must be a wedding planner. You give Jungkook’s future sister-in-law an awkward smile in greeting, which she returns much more gracefully before she tells the woman that she’ll be with her in a minute.

So now you’re stuck here, about to make small talk with a person you have never met before, and will likely never see again. Great. 

“Hi,” you say, extending a hand. “I haven’t had the chance to introduce myself. I’m Y/N.”

“I’m Sooji,” she replies warmly as she shakes your hand, and you have to stop yourself from being a little weirdo and thinking about how silky her hair looks up close. “You’re Jungkook’s… friend, right?”

You purse your lips before nodding with a chuckle. The pause tells you that she knows, and you wouldn’t be surprised if she’s uncomfortable having you here. 

“I’m sorry if this is weird. You probably don’t want a complete stranger at your wedding.”

Sooji shakes her head instantly, waving her hands around to dismiss your apology. “Please, it’s totally fine. Junghyun’s mom talked to me about it before we sent out the invites. I wouldn’t have agreed if I was really bothered. Don’t worry about it, seriously.”

“Why did you agree?” you ask, trying to sound as polite as possible. “You don’t know who I am.”

“I guess I was curious.” She shrugs, before laughing lightly as she says, “I used to think you weren’t real.”

“Huh?”

“She talks about you constantly. Never in front of Jungkook, of course. But she’s really fond of you, and you probably already know that doesn’t happen very often. She really does see you like a daughter. She made you sound too good to be true.”

You’re not sure how to respond to that. His mom still thinks about you, still talks about you after all this time. You’re just his ex-girlfriend, but she considers you her family. You don’t know what to do with this information nor the way it pinches your heart.

“I-” You purse your lips, fumbling with the responses in your head. You settle on a light laugh, because Sooji can probably tell that you’re struggling with the words too. “I have to be honest. I don’t know what to say to that.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just thought you should know that you’re still very much loved here.” She gives you a kind smile, and it looks like she wants to tell you something else but decides against it in the end. Sooji’s eyes land somewhere behind you before she points in that general direction. “I have to go take care of an issue with the flowers, but look, Jungkook is here. Why don’t you ask him to show you around?”

And then she’s already off. Overall, what a… strange interaction.

You turn around to see Jungkook standing near one of the entrances to the house. As you watch him talk to someone - a bridesmaid, you assume, or just one of the other guests - you try not to think about the fact that there’s a stirring sensation in your stomach, and that it only intensifies when she throws her head back in a pretty laugh, a perfectly manicured hand landing on his arm like he’s the most charming person she’s ever met. 

You don’t give it a name, don’t label it green in color even though you’re blue and he’s golden sunshine. You don’t acknowledge that it’s a feeling, because doing so would make it real and there are certain truths that you’d rather delude yourself into thinking are lies.

When Jungkook’s eyes catch yours and he cuts off the woman mid-sentence with a curt excuse me, you don’t acknowledge that feeling either, but it’s warm and it blooms in your chest as he makes his way to you. It’s something victorious, something that tickles your ribs.

He comes to you like you’re a destination he’s been waiting all his life to reach, and you certainly, adamantly don’t acknowledge the spectacularly dizzying feeling that swallows you whole when he places a gentle hand on your arm, his voice soft as he says, “There you are. I was looking for you.”

The familiarity, it’s catastrophic.

“I was just walking around,” you tell him. “There’s not a lot to do here. I was bored.”

“You have me,” he says. Probably not in that way, but you’d like to think that’s how he means it. “I don’t have any more fires to put out. What do you want to do now?”

You glance over your surroundings, still set on your original plans. You wanted to go alone, but you suppose you can let him accompany you. You check the time on your phone before asking, “Can we go down to the beach? I wanna see if we can catch the sunset.”

You used to do this whenever you came here to visit - walk along the beach, hand in hand, sunlight in your hair and the cool breeze holding you tight in the afterglow.

The keyword here is “used to”. Now, you have to stuff your hands in your pockets just so you don’t reach for him every time you shiver.

It’s late enough in the afternoon for you to see the moon faintly shine against a blue and orange backdrop. Sun and moon, together in the same frame. It feels symbolic somehow. You’re not really sure.

“The moon looks like an egg,” Jungkook observes astutely, taking casual strides next to you. It makes you burst into easy laughter, which makes him laugh with you too. You stop walking when you reach what you think is a good spot to watch the sky. 

“Let’s sit here for a bit,” you say. It’s not the greatest idea - sitting idly by would only make you colder - but you just want to stop and look at the sunset. Once you’re seated in the sand, you respond to his moon remark, “That’s true, y’know. NASA said so.”

“Yeah,” he says, settling down beside you, “you made me read that.”

You’d forgotten about it, and you didn’t think that he’d remember. It’s freezing cold and the moon looks like an egg, but you’re not thinking, and you feel safe. Nothing can hurt you here, or at least that’s what you’d like to tell yourself.

You wrap your arms around yourself to keep from shivering, but you still shiver anyways.

“Are you cold?” he asks.

“A little,” you admit. “I should’ve worn a thicker sweater. But it’s o-”

He doesn’t let you finish the sentence, just smoothly takes off his jacket to put it around your shoulders.

You put your hands atop his to stop him. When you touch him, there’s an electric tingle that almost makes you flinch. He feels warm, still resembling a human furnace. 

“No, you don’t have t-”

“Take the jacket, Y/N,” he says. “It’s just a jacket.”

The jacket smells like him. It only makes you want to crawl further into the warmth.

He seems more self-assured here, that’s what you notice. More like the version of himself that he used to be. Confident, sometimes borderline cocky. Annoying but oddly endearing, you came to love that about him.

His relaxed demeanor is understandable. You’re merely a visitor here, while this is his homeground. 

“I’m curious about something,” he says after a while.

“Okay.”

“What’s the deal with Wednesdays?” he asks. 

“You know how they say bad things come in threes?” You purse your lips, thinking it over, feeling something bitter in your mouth as you recall the events that led to this. “My parents got divorced on a Wednesday. I moved out of mom’s house on a Wednesday. And…” You hold your knees close to your chest as you hesitate to utter this last part, “we broke up on a Wednesday.”

You see the exact moment Jungkook mentally slaps himself, paling a couple shades as he tongues his cheek, not expecting his question to inadvertently lead back to this. It wasn’t your intention to guilt trip him. It was true that he dumped you on a Wednesday, but you don’t want the mood to turn sour, to have to mull over this again. Like he said, it will still be there for you to worry about when you get back. You’re not looking forward to returning to a shitshow, but what you’d hate even more is to tarnish the memories of this place just because you can’t keep from being vindictive for not even a weekend.

“I was born on a Wednesday too, so I guess bad things come in fours sometimes,” you continue, chuckling to yourself humorlessly.

A frown appears on his face almost instantaneously. “What is that supposed to mean?”

You shrug. Jungkook turns his body toward you, which makes you spare him a glance before you return your gaze to the horizon. His face is so serious that it’s almost funny. “Y/N,” he presses. “Why would you say that?”

“C’mon, it’s a joke. I was just being self-deprecating. Lighten up.”

“Why are you talking like that?”

“Like what? Contrary to popular belief, I don’t walk around with a thundercloud over my head all the time,” you laugh lightly. “I figured if there was a day to be nice to you, it should be today. And tomorrow, I guess.”

“This is you being nice?”

Funny how just a few weeks ago, you were fighting with him and calling him a hypocrite. Now, you’re sitting together, watching the sun set, trying not to be mean to him.

“I’m not picking a fight with you,” you say. “This is nice enough.”

“It’s not even my wedding.”

“Okay.” You glance at him again, letting words flow without a single thought. “I’ll be even nicer to you on your wedding day then.”

You don’t know where that even came from, but something aches the very second the words leave your mouth. The thought of him getting married one day makes you just nauseous, even though you always knew that it was a possibility. It might even be inevitable.

You clear your throat, waving the sullen feeling away. Your body shivers then, even after the added warmth of his jacket. Maybe you’re not shivering because of the cold anymore.

He doesn’t say anything, but you can feel his eyes linger on the side of your face. The both of you keep tiptoeing around an elephant that follows you wherever you go. 

You hug your knees close to your chest, watching the blue sky melt into the golden horizon, splattered with ribbons of cotton candy clouds.

You want to scooch closer to him and have him wrap his arm around your shoulders. This isn’t the spot where you used to draw your names in the sand, enveloped in a giant heart like two lovesick kids, but wouldn’t it be nice to imagine that it is?

“I was always really happy here,” you mumble to yourself.

You were, truly. This city was your pocket of hope, your piece of peace.

Being here brings back so many memories.

It’s the same feeling you get every time you pass by somewhere you used to live. The nostalgia of walking down the same road you used to walk every day until your shoes wore out. The familiarity of your surroundings. The bittersweetness of looking into a past you cannot hold anymore, of remembering the person you were at a certain period in your life, of knowing the things you do now that you didn’t back then.

You long for things you cannot change.

Nostalgia only grows stronger with time, you can always count on that.

He hums in agreement, before admitting quietly, “I miss you.” One pulls, the other pushes. The water wavers, like it’s touched by his words, simple but earnest. You’re touched too, somewhere in your heart, where you know you should be writing someone else’s name now.

Should?

“You’re pushing it,” you say softly.

“I know.”

You look at him. Maybe it’s because you’re back in the city that holds only good memories of you two. Maybe you’re hypnotized by the way the pink and purple hues kiss his side profile, making him feel like a fever dream and not someone you loved. Maybe it’s the cold, making you yearn for any source of warmth. But instead of returning his sentiment, you say, “It’ll pass.”

He meets your eyes. There’s something pleading in his gaze. All things pass eventually. Time moves forward, people move on. Bad things will pass sooner or later. Your worst heartbreak, your most arduous trials, your saddest moments, they will all pass.

And good things… good things will have to pass too, whether you like it or not.

Your fingers twitch from where they’re still holding onto your body. You itch to reach for his hand. You don’t tell him what he wants to hear, even though here’s a part of you that wants to say it back. In a better world, you would be telling him I love you too, instead of having to suppress an I miss you too.

“All things have to pass eventually. This will too.”

[20:05] Taebear 🐻: we could go to that bar near the gallery. Y/N likes the cocktails there [20:06] Mimi 🐥: kay kay [20:06] Mimi 🐥: soooooo next friday? [20:09] Mimi 🐥: why is y/n reading our messages. shouldn’t she be at dinner [20:09] You: i approve of the bar choice [20:11] You: if you didn’t want me reading your messages, you shouldn’t have sent them to the gc [20:11] You: and if you must know, i’m skipping dinner. i’m avoiding Jungkook’s mom [20:12] Mimi 🐥: understandable. i figured you would do that [20:13] Mimi 🐥: how’s it going? are we regretting going yet? i told you to just stay home and we could binge watch the office together [20:15] You: and EYE told you that you could be a good friend and go to this wedding with me but nooooo baby doesn’t like the cold [20:16] You: you could’ve visited your parents while you’re here you know. two birds with one stone [20:18] Mimi 🐥: babes my parents stayed with me for a whole month last month. i reached my quota for family face time  [20:19] You: son and friend of the year 👏 [20:20] Mimi 🐥: 😎😎😎😘

[20:22] Taebear 🐻: hey [20:23] You: uh oh. am i in trouble? why is this not in the gc? [20:25] Taebear 🐻: lol shut up [20:26] Taebear 🐻: you okay? [20:28] You: feels like that could’ve been a perfectly good question to ask in the gc [20:29] Taebear 🐻: because it’s a serious question and we both know Jimin can’t be serious for one minute to save his life [20:32] You: why does it have to be a serious question? 🤪 [20:32] Taebear 🐻: 😕 [20:33] You: stop pouting. i’m fine [20:35] Taebear 🐻: are you? [20:36] You: i am! you don’t have to go all mama bear on me [20:39] Taebear 🐻: ha ha ha. you’re so funny [20:40] Taebear 🐻: want me to call you? [20:42] You: i said i’m fiiiiiine 🙄 [20:43] You: but also no because i told everyone i was tired and i’m pretending to be asleep in my room right now [20:43] Taebear 🐻: okay [20:43] Taebear 🐻: did you eat something at least? [20:44] You: i have a cup ramen in my room [20:45] Taebear 🐻: okay [20:46] Taebear 🐻: how was today? did JK make you wanna strangle him? [20:48] You: okay Kim Taehyung at least act like you have some faith in your friend lol [20:50] You: but mmmmmm it was ok. he was mostly behaving himself [20:51] Taebear 🐻: mostly? [20:54] You: we were down at the beach and he just told me he missed me out of the blue [20:55] You: Mimi is asking why no one is replying to him  [20:57] Taebear 🐻: i can see that [20:58] Taebear 🐻: what did you tell JK? [21:01] You: i quoted fleabag to him [21:09] Taebear 🐻: i had to google that [21:10] Taebear 🐻: i still don’t know what that means [21:11] You: i know you don’t lol. you’re adorable [21:11] You: i’ll tell you when i get back.  [21:13] You: ok bye i have to sleep early or i’ll look like ass in the morning [21:14] Taebear 🐻: oh. okay [21:15] Taebear 🐻: sleep tight. remember not to gorge yourself on booze tomorrow [21:17] You: thanks for the reminder. love you mom 🙄💕 [21:17] Taebear 🐻: :) [21:20] Taebear 🐻: you won’t look like ass btw

You clocked out right after you told Taehyung that you would. It wasn’t a peaceful sleep though. The anxiety simmering in your belly woke you up a few times throughout the night. You don’t even know why you were anxious. It’s not like you were the one who was about to walk down the aisle.

When morning finally came and you managed to untangle yourself from the surprising comfort of your familiar bed, you practically dragged your feet for the subsequent two hours, trying to get ready. As if that would actually slow down the passage of time.

You had to compartmentalize the things you needed to do in a mental checklist. Makeup. Hair. Dress. Stare at yourself in the mirror for half an hour and internally freak out while waiting for Jungkook to come get you from your room.

Now you’re sitting in the wedding hall, watching people filter into the room. It’s not even a lot of people, but you’re still overwhelmed regardless.

You feel so exposed, even though he’s the only one looking at you in this room of strangers. He’s been looking at you like that ever since he first saw you this morning, in a dress that you got just days before the wedding. You still don’t know if it’s entirely appropriate for your ex-boyfriend’s brother’s wedding - maybe a bit revealing - but it was the only one you could find on such short notice.

When you tried on the dress for Taehyung and Jimin a few days ago, Taehyung said you looked beautiful. Jimin said you looked decent, “six point five out of ten,” which translated to “pretty nice” in Jimin-lingo. That would’ve been enough if you were going to any other wedding, not one where Jungkook would also be attending.

You had wanted him to see you and regret ever leaving you.

It was a silly thought, just a tad adolescent.

You had wanted him to see you in your dress and be consumed with thoughts of you until he couldn’t even see straight. To be the only thing on his mind, you didn’t think it was a lot to ask for.

That was before he told you not to think about it and you’d been convinced to just go with the flow just for two days. It was before he actually did see you earlier today in your dress - a simple midnight blue satin cowl neck with a slit in the thigh - but you were the one rendered helpless and speechless. He had stared at you for a minute when he came to walk you down from your room, then he’d said, all breathless even though both of you were just standing there, “You’re beautiful.”

You’re beautiful, not You look beautiful.

You don’t know why, but you appreciated it.

It made your cheeks burn underneath your artificial rosy blush. Stupid, you thought to yourself when you two made your way to the main hall. Stupid for letting yourself get dizzy because of a single compliment from him.

You’re seated with his parents, which makes sense because you don’t know anybody here except for them. Well, maybe you know one of his cousins whose kid you and Jungkook used to babysit whenever their family was in the city, but you doubt that he even remembers you anymore.

When the ceremony begins, your heart instantly feels like it’s about to drop to the pit of your stomach.

You can’t lie to yourself. It stings.

It stings just sitting here next to his parents like a daughter-in-law, like a member of their family, watching his brother solidify his happy ending.

It stings that Jungkook is standing up there, looking as handsome as ever, but his eyes aren’t on the couple. They keep flickering to you no matter how much you try to pretend that they don’t.

It stings that even though you don’t think about marriage often - or maybe you just don’t allow yourself to - you can’t deny that the thought does cross your mind from time to time. Any time that you’d wander the corridors inside your head, you’d pass the doors that you keep unopened on purpose but there’s always that one door marked with a bright red X that you can never sidestep.

You watch Junghyun and Sooji with their teary smiles and shaky hands, shaky but happy. There’s a sudden clarity that this could’ve been you and him in another life. Forever is a lie, but you would’ve perjured yourself a thousand times for him. I do - you would’ve meant it.

You imagine yourself in Sooji’s place, and Jungkook, standing right on the other side, holding both your hands in his. A beautiful and radiant bride terrified of the altar. A dashing groom with a smile that could rival the sun and shoulders weighing heavier than he lets on.

It would’ve looked clumsy, but it could’ve been right.

You wonder if he’s wondering the same thing. Maybe he is. You hope he is.

When the ceremony ends with a kiss shared between the newlyweds, you wipe away the tears that well up in your eyes. The people around you do the same thing, but they’re doing it for the right reason, out of genuine joy for the happy couple. You don’t think you can say the same for yourself.

Some of the bridesmaids fawn over him. It’s reasonable, you suppose. One tends to do that in the presence of Jeon Jungkook.

You watch as they come up to him one by one to ask him to dance, watch as he politely declines until they’re all stalking away with similar pouts on their faces. You watch him until his eyes lock on you, sitting at a table near the back, nursing a glass of champagne.

He weaves himself with ease through the people making their way to the dance floor. When he’s in front of you, he holds out a hand.

“Dance with me?” he asks, his doe eyes working overtime to lure you in with their sparkles, though you’d rather stay here where you can easily go unnoticed until the night ends. “One song?”

“I don’t know how,” you say, even as you’re taking his hand and standing up.

“I showed you how, remember?”

“That was a long time ago.”

He squeezes you reassuringly. “Just follow my lead,” he says, walking the both of you to the floor. “C’mon.”

Once the music starts, your heels stomp on his feet at least three times before you start finding the beat to move along to. Muscle memory, or whatever, is bullshit. You remember absolutely nothing of what he showed you.

You’re grateful that the song is slow, because it makes it easier for you to follow the beat with your two left feet. He takes one of your hands in his, the other settling on the small of your back, guiding you to move in a steady rhythm.

You feel his mother’s eyes on the two of you, because she must be somewhere nearby, watching you like a hawk. You feel his gaze on your face while you keep yours on the knot of his tie, just trying to keep your composure and to not step on his feet with your heels.

The blur of white that you catch from the periphery of your vision makes you turn your head. Sooji and Junghyun are close by, swaying together slowly to the soft music, both of them glowing with happiness. She must sense your eyes on her, because she lifts her gaze up to meet yours. She smiles at the sight of you and Jungkook, and you smile back, because you don’t know how else to respond to that.

You don’t say it, but you do think it. Your fingers tighten around his hand ever so slightly.

Could that have been us?

If the answer is yes, then it would hurt.

If the answer is no, then it would hurt.

The point of your story is that it’s painful however you choose to look at it. There’s no other way to frame it. It’s just painful, because you’re never going to get any of it back.

You bite your lip, then turn away from the happy couple but you still don’t look at Jungkook. You look at your hand in his, and that’s when you see it.

“How’d you get that?” you ask, gently tracing the inch of slightly raised skin on his knuckles. You never noticed the scar until now.

“It was four years ago, I think? After Taehyung and I almost got into a fight, I went outside and… punched a wall,” he says, wincing as he recalls the memory.

His answer takes you aback. “You and Taehyung got into a fight?”

“Almost,” he corrects. “It was a long time ago. Didn’t they tell you?”

“No, they didn’t say anything. What happened?”

“Nothing happened.”

“If it was really nothing, you wouldn’t have punched a wall.” You frown. It makes you miss a few beats, but the song isn’t what’s important now, even if Jungkook is still trying to steer you back into the dance. “Taehyung isn’t violent. You aren’t violent.”

“I’m serious,” he says finally. “It’s nothing. We were just drunk and stupid.”

You know there must be more to it, that something must have happened or been said to trigger such a reaction from both of them. But you also know that you won’t probably get anything out of Jungkook if he doesn’t want to tell you.

You give up, for now. “Fine. If you say so.”  You’ll just have to weasel it out of Jimin later.

The song comes to an end, before another one comes on. If Jungkook remembers that he only asked for one song, maybe he’s counting his blessings that you’re still here and dancing with him, because he doesn’t mention it.

For some reason, you pull your hand away from his, only to slide up his shoulder to lock both of your hands behind his neck. He seems surprised, but he does the same around your waist.

Jungkook’s gaze flickers to your lips briefly, then back to your eyes again. You find yourself doing the same and wonder what he tastes like after all the time you’ve been apart. Is he still as sweet as you remember? You used to tease that it was because of the excessive sugar he put in everything, but you knew it was really just him. The few inches between you are so inviting that it’s practically tempting you to close the gap. You could, easily in fact. Blame it on one too many glasses of champagne later if you want.

He looks younger like this, like the boy you loved, starry eyes and dimpled smile. His shoulders are always the most comfortable resting place, the crook of his neck your long lost home. This is nice, you think, to see him again even though it feels like a fever dream. Memories of your first date, your first kiss, come to life before your eyes so realistically that you could almost touch them.

Loved? That sounds funny to you.

The people you used to be, souls wrapped in innocence, when the world was nothing but the arms of the person you loved. You reach out, and the memories quickly fade from view. The only trace they leave behind is a speck of gold on your fingertips, a memento of charming naiveté for you to tuck neatly away in the corner of your mind, but also a reminder that ah, they only exist in the locket of your heart now. Because he has changed, and you think you must have too. Life, as they say, goes on.

“We made it. Kind of. That’s crazy,” you find yourself saying.

“Did we?”

“You don’t think so?” you chuckle. “We’re in a group chat with the Kim Seokjin who spams it with bad jokes on a daily basis. I’d call that a win.”

That makes him laugh. “If you put it like that, yeah, maybe. Sure.”

Other people might be fooled, but it doesn’t sound at all convincing to you. The light doesn’t really reach his eyes. You bite the inside of your cheek, thinking of how to translate the sudden poignant turn of the moment.

“It isn’t everything you hoped it’d be?” you ask.

His shoulders rise then fall quickly in a second-long shrug. “I thought it would make me feel more… fulfilled. But it doesn’t. Not really.”

The way he says it and the way he’s looking at you makes your heart dive. You understand what he means. You’re good at what you do, and you don’t need reassurance from anyone to recognize that. But sometimes, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Doesn’t feel like it’s real, like it’s validated.

When you landed your first big project, even before Yoongi, you were so proud of yourself. You were bursting with excitement but you weren’t happy, and you knew what the reason was. Something was missing that couldn’t be filled, not even with all your friends’ hundreds of messages of encouragement. 

It’s beyond stupid, this feeling like your wins amount to nothing at all just because of one person. You wanted him there to celebrate every achievement with you and he wasn’t, and the milestones seemed incomplete without the presence of him. It doesn’t feel like you’ve accomplished anything because this always used to be a dream you thought you’d make come true together.

“It’s lonely,” he concludes.

It sounds like he feels the same way, like he wanted you to be there too.

He suddenly holds you tighter than you think he needs to, like he’s afraid to let go of you. You imagine that he doesn’t want to let go of you, and it makes you feel better for a second. But it doesn’t change the fact that he still did in the end. And he will have to when this ends.

What was the point of this? Why did he bring this upon yourselves when he seems to be as hurt as you are? All of this time, all of these years, lost to what? You could’ve been happy together but instead, you were both lost and miserable.

When the music stops - you lost count of how many songs it’s been - you pull away from him. He looks disappointed, maybe even a little hurt for some reason.

“I’m gonna get some air,” you say, already turning away from him.

“Y/N-”

“I need some air.” Then you’re weaving through the dancing couples despite Jungkook calling your name. How did he manage it? How did he not look back when you called out for him?

You hastily grab your coat on the way out. It’s not going to keep you warm, but that’s not something you’re even remotely concerned with.

It’s everywhere, you feel it down to your bones.

The wind wraps itself tightly around you, intertwining in your hair, slipping through the cracks of your fingers, caressing your face in a chilling touch. You greet the cold like a long lost sister, shivering violently with nostalgia. It was there for you more than your own flesh and blood.

Is that why you like the sea at night? Because it reminds you of mom?

It’s dark out here, barely anything is visible except for a lighthouse sending out light in the quiet of the night. You can’t see much, but you can certainly hear it. You’re not sure if the music is coming from inside the venue, or if it’s still ringing in your ears. It’s probably the latter; you’re too far away to be able to catch the music anyway. But regardless, the tune is quickly drowned out by the sea.

The waves crash violently against the shore like it’s out for blood. There’s a magnetic pull, as if it’s calling out for you. You want to go to it, to reach out and feel the cold outside of your body for once, but you stay there despite your legs itching to stand up and run straight ahead. Into the water and down under.

You could lie down and close your eyes for a moment. The sound of the water, as sharp and brutal as it is, nurtures a part of you somehow.

You just want to be alone. You don’t want to talk to Taehyung, or Jimin, or even Yoongi.

Oh.

Yoongi.

It’s a terrible feeling, knowing that you’re going to hurt Yoongi. Knowing that you’re going to kill this even before it has a chance to truly begin.

Truth be told, you can’t envision a future with Yoongi. There isn’t anything wrong with him, because he’s not the problem here. Yoongi is fun, he’s considerate, he keeps things light on purpose for you, until you’re ready to initiate something more serious. He’s good for you, even Taehyung thinks so.

But you can’t love Yoongi, not in the way that he wants you to. Not more than you love Jungkook.

There you go. Ruining things again.

Did you ruin Jungkook? Is that what happened?

The layers on you are no match for the sea at night. The wind hisses relentlessly, biting at any part of your skin that’s exposed.

It takes you back to that night. Almost everything does, actually.

Maybe that’s why you never even stopped to consider starting anything with anyone, because it always ends. If there’s a beginning, then there will be an inevitable ending. Love isn’t made to last and you aren’t meant to carry love with you. You’ve been abandoned twice. If it happens a third time, it’s a pattern, and then your hypothesis will only be proven. That the problem here is you.

You’d be lying if you said you haven’t wondered when it’ll finally be Taehyung’s turn to leave. He eventually will, right? That one’s gonna hurt.

Then, you’re startled when someone calls your name.

“What’s wrong?” Jungkook asks. The wind and the waves masked the sound of his footsteps walking up to you. When you turn around to face him, his eyes grow worried, almost panicked. “Why are you crying?”

You breathe out irritatedly before you hastily wipe at your cheeks. You didn’t even realize that you’d been crying. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine,” you say, though you both know it’s a lie. “I’m just tired. I’m going up to my room.”

He catches your wrist in a firm grip when you try to walk away. You wish he’d just leave you alone, but you knew he wouldn’t drop it just like that.

“I said I’m fine,” you insist.

“You were crying,” he says. “Did I do something wrong?”

He didn’t, at least not tonight.

God, you really don’t want to do this right now.

“Jungkook,” you warn. “Let go of me.”

You try to free yourself from his grip, hoping that he’ll get the hint and back off for now. Instead, he pulls you into his chest, where you struggle to escape from his hold until you realize your efforts are futile. He takes the wind’s place, wound tightly around you, so tightly that it’s nearly impossible for you to move.

You hiss out his name, but he doesn’t budge. 

“Jungkook, can you just- Fuck!”

Damn him.

You realize he’s not giving up, which in turn makes you give up struggling, hoping that if you let this be a moment, then it’ll be something that can pass.

You’re just standing there, letting him hold you, letting yourself be held by the person who broke you in the first place. This feels exactly like where you’re supposed to be - in his arms, with your face hidden in the crook of his neck, his gentle fingers stroking your hair. There’s not a lot that you could do but lean into that feeling the same way you lean into him. One foot in the sand, one foot in the past. A hand on the doorknob of time, wondering if you should look back or look forward.

You want to be alone, but that never used to apply with him.

The wind stills, the sea calms. You remain unmoving too, locked in his embrace. You feel the faint rhythm of his heart, beating faster than you think it should. If you could, you would bottle this moment up and live there forever.

I miss you, you think.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you.

Then your arms are around him too. It only makes him hold you tighter, and all you can think about is how much you miss him, how painful it is to miss him, how you feel like you’re being pulled apart at the seams from the weight of missing him. 

Fuck.

Can you pretend that the last few years never happened? Is there a higher power that would allow you to go back to the night before that wretched Wednesday, when everything was still perfect? Hundreds of days of your life, can you pretend that it was just one long nightmare? When you wake up, you’ll be back in his humble apartment, tangled up together in his bed. Warm sunlight, your silken youth, and him. It was all you ever needed.

Again with the devastating familiarity. The city, the beach. His mother’s warmth that always made you reminisce about your own mother’s coldness. How Jungkook used to find you in moments like this and just stayed by your side until the dejection passed. He understood that he could never understand it the way you did.

You hear yourself sniffle, then you feel him press a kiss into your hair. Home is comforting.

Oh, you never want to leave.

You don’t want to leave, and that’s terrifying.

You allow yourself to stay there for one more second - one endless second - so you could commit to memory what it’s like to be with him. Back and forth. It’s always so easy to fall into him.

Jungkook releases you when he feels you loosen after a while, and you reluctantly meet his eyes as he tilts your head to face him.  His fingers cradling your jaw, how warm and delicate they feel on your skin.

You swallow thickly, your mind going blank. He’s the only person you see, the only one that matters. His eyes flicker south, and even then you don’t make any move to run away, despite his loose grip on your waist telling you that you can if you want to.

You told him that it would pass, and maybe for him, it will. For him, it’s the city and the moment, making him feel like he’s caught up in a page that he’s turned over a long time ago. He was fine with leaving, and he’s been fine without you. It will pass for him, as much as it hurts you to admit it.

But not for you. For you, there’s only him. There’s nobody else but him. It’s always been him, no matter how hard you try to tell yourself that there will be another person you can love as much as you love Jungkook. You might only be a page, perhaps even a chapter, in the story of his life, but he’s your entire book. He’s volume after volume after volume, until he takes up the whole shelf and leaves no room for anything else, not even for yourself.

And now here he is - at the biggest turn in your career.

He’s a bad blood cell you can’t ever get rid of.

You’ll never be able to truly let go of him. How could you? When you truly love someone, those feelings will carry on forever. They’ll always have a piece of your heart despite an ending. When you look back on a certain period in your life, you’ll think to yourself, You’ll always be a part of me. I loved you then.

But Jungkook is a force of nature. He has your whole heart.

Years and years from now, when you look back on your life, you know you’ll see him everywhere. Even when you’re old and gray, and when faces all just blur together in a mosaic of broken memories and long lost youth, you know you’ll still remember him - the person you loved, the one whom you let slip through your fingers. The great love of your life when you were young.

Sometimes, you regret that day. You can’t help feeling like it was your fault too. Maybe you should’ve tried harder to keep him. You should’ve fought harder, should’ve held onto him instead of standing there and watching him leave.

He lit the match, and you let the house burn. It takes two to tango, two to break a heart.

You’re quick to let people leave. Oh, how you wish it could be that easy to let them go too.

It isn’t until your eyes mimic the flicker of his gaze that he leans in. You meet him halfway. For the first time in years, you feel like you could breathe, truly breathe. It’s achingly slow, like neither of you can believe that this is happening. 

You sigh against his mouth when his tongue brushes your bottom lip, slips past the seal to devour you. It feels like a perfect dream. You could stay in this bubble with him forever, pretend that you’re the only two people who exist in the world and there’s nothing else, no one else, waiting for you in a city that seems so far away right now. The thought of him never left you, not even for a second. He’s always been with you everywhere you go, no matter what you do, always in the back of your mind.

He tastes like your youth, like remembrance. He kisses you like he’s still yours when deep down you know that you’re still his. The hand on your jaw is gentle but firm, and it makes you repeat a thought, I miss you.

Then a feeling, I love you.

Not then. Now.

I love you now.

I love you even when I shouldn’t. Even when it hurts. Even when you leave me. Even when you don’t love me more than I love you. If there comes a day where you love somebody else, I will still love you then. There will never be another person for me but you. My first and only love.

When he pulls away, you think it’s too quick, even though your lungs are grateful for the breath that you instantly inhale. You stare at his lips like you’re in a daze, mesmerized, wanting to chase them again. You don’t even know how you have it in yourself to utter these next words, but you hear your own voice saying them anyway.

You’re holding onto him now. Doesn’t that count?

“Let’s…” Your fingers tighten on the collar of his dress shirt. “Let’s go up to your room.”

note (2): so... what do we think?? will they?? won't they?? 😵 stay tuned for obs7.5 which will be dropping 29.09.2023! also i'm gonna pause obs muse asks for a little bit! 😬

all rights reserved © jeonqkooks. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted september 24, 2023]

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Gotta admit to some confusion with the “Max is a sexist” takes? If it’s rooted in how he assumed Marinette didn’t know how to play the game, I could see a bit of merit even if there could be other reasons, especially since it happens in line with Kim’s more expressly sexist attitude of surprise. But when he loses, he congratulates her, and his upset while clear is framed as being completely due to losing his spot in the competition.

Ignoring how his anger was a part of his own private thoughts which HM exploits, Max as an Akuma targeting Marinette instead of Adrien always seemed to me to be due to the fact that she is the one who replaced him. Yes, they both beat him, but Adrien winning didn’t lead to Max losing his spot, Marinette winning did.

Also, the lesson of the day seems squarely centered around how Max deserves to play because he’s the one who really wanted the opportunity, which is why Alya as the writer’s mouthpiece scolds her beforehand about taking it seriously and cinched when Marinette explains why she’s surrendering her position. And while I’m not arguing the episode itself as whole doesn’t contain sexist elements, I feel the writers attempt to avoid that reading by having Adrien surrender his position to Marinette because she is the better player.

For Max, is there perhaps further context than Gamer that I’m just missing? Because I don’t nearly see the same amount of “Kim is a sexist” takes, and unfortunately Max being Black does put him at risk of being held to higher standards than other non-Black characters.

I will do my best to walk through the episode and explain why it makes Max read as sexist to a lot of people. (Or, at least, this is why I think people reach this conclusion. It's why I reach it.)

It's true that Max's reaction to Marinette wanting to play is potentially a little sexist because he assumes that she doesn't know how to play:

Max: The rules are elementary, You battle each other's robots with your own and... Marinette: Please... Every time you win, you loot its items and gain XP, which upgrades your mech. I'm not a noob, thank you very much. Max: Ah, sounds like you have a sufficient amount of knowledge. Let's see if it's enough to beat me.

It's hard to be sure, though, because we don't know if he tried to explain the rules to everyone. I still think it's fair to read it as sexist because it's paired with other characters acting like Marinette can't play, but I also don't think this is a big enough issue to call Max the clear problem of this episode. If he is being sexist, then he's far from the worst one in that scene and his initial reaction to loosing is excellent and without a hint of sexism!

Max: I accept this defeat. I relinquish my position at the tournament. Congratulations, Marinette. And Adrien.

It's also not even remotely sexist that he's upset by his loss and goes on to rant about it as soon as he's alone:

Max: I should've been going to that tournament. I was the chosen one! I worked so hard for it! This is Inconceivable!

While it's not sexist, I would argue that this reaction is something that he needs to work on. If Max wants to be in competitions, then he has to own the fact that he may lose them. This is an issue that we'll get to in a minute. First let's talk about what happens while Max is an akuma.

Even though Adrien and Marinette are together when Gamer attacks, Gamer is only out to get Marinette. He is obsessed with the idea that Marinette should have lost and doesn't care about the Adrien loss.

(Suddenly, the Gamer's robot appears. Marinette and Adrien notice it.) Marinette: Tell me this isn't some kind of publicity stunt for the tournament! Gamer: Well, well. Marinette, let's see who's victorious this time. Adrien: Doesn't look like a publicity stunt to me.

Gamer: Game over, Marinette! Marinette: How does he know my name? Max! (the Gamer's robot fires lasers at her) I guess he really did want that spot in the tournament!

While this makes sense since Marinette is technically the one who cost Max his spot, it doesn't change the fact that this obsession and the earlier framing of Marinette's win make the focus of the episode Max's reaction to Marinette winning. That means that the episode's ultimate lesson will be about the validity of Marinette's win.

This is where Max's part in the sexism really kicks in. Not in the pre-akuma stuff, but the post-akuma stuff. That's where this image comes from:

[Image description: Max and Marinette standing outside of the tournament arena. Max has a sad expression and is refusing to look at Marinette who is awkwardly standing behind him]

As you can see from this image, we don't see post-akuma Max apologizing to Marinette for blaming her when she didn't do anything wrong. Nor do we see post-akuma Max just generally owning his loss, promising to work on taking losses better in the future, and saying something like, "I'll just have to do better next year." Instead, we get post-akuma Max pouting and refusing to even look at Marinette.

This is hardly the behavior of a good loser and yet the story completely validates it. We go from Max pouting to this:

Alya: You bent over backwards to be in the team and now you wanna pull out? Marinette: It's just that I feel so bad for Max. And well, it just wouldn't be right. Alya:(stops her) You're doing the right thing. But honestly, it's not like you get the chance to play with Adrien everyday... Marinette: ...Max? I've thought about this a lot, and... Well, I think you should be playing tonight, Max. Max: What? Marinette: Don't get me wrong! I love gaming, but it's not my heart and soul. This is your baby. It's your tournament, Max. I don't wanna take that away from you.

The appropriate reaction to Marinette's offer is for Max to say, "No Marinette, I'm sorry, I'm behaving terribly. The school is supposed to be represented by the most skilled players. That's you and Adrien, not me. I lost fair and square. I'll work on my skills and get a spot next year." This is how you show character growth and emphasize that Max has moved on from viewing himself as the "chosen one" while unfairly blaming Marinette. Instead we get this:

Max: I don't know how to thank you.

While Max certainly isn't saying anything awful like, "damn right I should be playing you stupid girl," this ending still validates his anger towards Marinette and implies that his behavior was perfectly fine. That it wasn't wrong for him to ignore her until she gave him back "his" spot. That's the sexist element. We should not have seen Max rewarded for treating Marinette poorly and making her feel guilty for daring to win a videogame.

It's important to note that this all happens on the day of the tournament, meaning that it's been days since Max lost and yet he's still mad at Marinette. That's not a great look. At the very least, he should be equally angry at Marinette and Adrien by now. Instead, his anger is still shown to be focused on Marinette as if she is the one and only source of his problems when, in actuality, it was his double loss that cost him his spot. Marinette only knocked him out of the running because Adrien won first. If the order was reversed, then would it be valid for Max to be angry at Adrien? According to the show, I think that the answer is "no." At the very least, I don't see how you can argue that it's clearly "yes" based on what we were given. Adrien's win is treated neutrally by everyone and Adrien letting Marinette play is treated as him being kind while Marinette letting Max play is treated as her righting a wrong.

As others have pointed out, when it comes to Max getting akumatized, what difference does it make if Max loses to Marinette in the preliminaries or to someone else in the main tournament? Do you really think that he'd be fine losing at any point in this competition when he thinks that he's the "chosen one"? At what point is it not cool to hold onto the anger of losing in spite of all your hard work? And why does Marinette's motivation matter when it comes to Max's feelings? He had no idea that she was only playing because she wanted to be Adrien's teammate. All he knows is that she beat him fairly and that she now feels bad about that for some reason.

It's really important for kids to learn that hard work doesn't always lead to a win, but this episode doesn't teach that. Instead it says that it's totally fine for Max to feel wronged and that you should only compete in tournaments if you want to win for the "right" reasons, whatever those are. If you're going to go this route, then at least give Max a noble cause to contrast Marinette's selfish one. As is, he's just as selfish. It's not like he wanted the prize money to save his family from poverty! As far as we know, there is no prize money! He just wanted bragging rights.

What's even more bizarre is that Adrien gives us the lines that Max should have given:

Adrien: Go on, Marinette. You're a hundred times better than me. You belong on the team. Win the tournament for the school. I know you can do it.

What even is this mess? The episode didn't establish that Marinette was better than Adrien! We did get this exchange:

Adrien: Wow! We won again, thanks to you! Marinette: Yeah, um, yes we did. Adrien: We? That was practically all you. You're amazing, Marinette. I guess you wouldn't even need me. I'm so lame compared to you... Marinette: Um, no no no, I... No, you're so good. I mean, I'm the one who's not good. I mean... I'm lucky, that's all.

Leading to Marinette giving Adrien her lucky charm, but this isn't Adrien losing to Marinette. It's just Adrien being impressed by her skills when their team won a match. We never once see Marinette beat Adrien.

There's also the fact that the rest of the episode is focused on Ladybug and Chat Noir gaming together against Gamer, proving that they're the dream team, not Marinette and Max. The logical ending of this plot is for Marinette and Adrien to do the same thing on the civilian side because they're the dream team no matter which side of the masks they're on. Instead we validate Max's anger towards Marinette and tell the little girls at home that it's wrong to show off to boys. How feminist?

It would have played so much better if Max initially took Marinett's spot, but changed his mind after Adrien's line since Adrien's logic isn't unique to Marinette. It applies to Adrien as well and logical Max should have seen that. Why is it right for Adrien to give his spot to the better player while it's fine for Max to take a spot from those who beat him? Shouldn't the best players be the ones to represent the school? Especially when those players have actually been practicing together while Max hasn't done any co-op training? The lesson here makes no sense at all!

It's definitely true that Max isn't the only one who comes across poorly in this episode. Kim, Alya, and Rose's reactions to Marinette's initial win all also play into the "A girl? Playing video games? No way!" issue. Alya and Tikki play into the, "Marinette was in the wrong to ever play because we must be good and virtuous in our motivations and not do things to impress boys" issue. Both of these elements exacerbate how Max comes across by setting a sexist tone to the episode, but that doesn't change the fact that Max completely failed to learn a very valuable lesson, unintentionally making him look like a bit of a sexist loser even without the sexist leadin.

Max's sexism is also heavily exacerbated by some real world issues that are going to impact the way that people view this episode, so let's skim the surface of those rabbit holes because I think we have to acknowledge them to really understand why this episode bothers people.

I'm going to give you some studies here to back up what I'm saying because, when it comes to these sorts of claims, I want to give you something you can evaluate for yourself. I don't want to just talk about known issues as if they're hard facts without any proof and I prefer studies to opinion pieces or articles that mention studies without the details for you to evaluate. However, I will note that I'm limited in what studies I can access because many research papers are stupidly price locked and my public library's research database is pretty limited, so I'm stuck between that and what I can find for free online.

Feel free to reblog this or to send me an ask with suggestions of better studies or books on these topics or even on the topic of the way that black people and characters are held to higher standards because that's certainly a very real issue that's important to keep in mind! We all have unconsious biases from things like the media we watch and the only way to become aware of these biases/learn to look for them is for someone to point them out and for us to do some learning. Like I'm trained to look for sexism by my experiences, but picking up on subtle racism is much harder since I don't have a lifetime of experience to pull from. There are lots of great resources out there, the trick is finding them and maybe even accessing them as I certainly found when I was looking for studies. I'm far from an expert on gender or racial studies. My hobby research field is history.

Issue One: Female Socialization and Those Precious Male Feelings

It is a documented phenomenon that women are socialized to be nurturers. They're taught to prioritize the feelings of others - especially men - over their own wants, needs, and successes. One study on this topic focused on how success effects intimate relationships and noted that:

We find that climbing the societal ladder has positive associations with women’s well-being and relationship outcomes... however, these associations reversed for women who surpassed their partners in social status. ...Among women with higher status than their partner, traditional women intend to adjust their behavior to fit the gender norm (e.g., thinking about reducing work hours in favor of their time at home), whereas egalitarian women did not, but felt guilty toward their partner.

In other words, this study found that women have happier relationships when they don't do as well as their male partners. When they do surpass their male partners, they either try to compensate for that success or tend to feel guilty for failing to compensate.

While this study was about romantic relationships, I don't think that it's a stretch to apply it to platonic relationships, too, especially since we're talking about the messages a TV show is sending to young girls. That's where Gamer comes in. What does that episode have Marinette do when she surpasses her male friend Max? She feels guilty and compensates for daring to be better than him, reinforcing a pretty ugly gendered stereotype.

This type of thing goes beyond interpersonal relationships. It's a well-known issue that women are looked down on when they act too "masculine" in the workforce:

Numerous studies have highlighted that female leaders are evaluated less favorably than their male counterparts when engaging in identical behaviors. For example, using a job-hiring paradigm, past research demonstrated that female candidates who violated the modesty prescription by self-promoting during an interview were evaluated as less likeable and less hireable than self-promoting male candidates.

Gamer was not an instance of Marinette doing something questionable to get close to Adrien. It was her taking her hard-won skills and using them to show off to her crush so that they could get closer, a thing that Adrien was clearly 100% okay with.

This episode should not have been an instance of Marinette being show to be in the wrong. A show that aims to empower little girls should never include an episode where a girl is chastised for daring to self-promote, but that's exactly what Gamer does. It says that Marinette was wrong to put her wants over Max's feelings. What kind of girl power show sends this sort of message? How do you take a woman fairly beating a man and make it a bad thing?

If anything, the message of this episode should have been focused on Marinette being told to NOT feel guilty. After all, that's the far more likely issue for young girls to face. They will have lots of people reminding them to treat others kindly. The message could have also been about winning gracefully and been fine, imo.

Issue Two: Gender Discrimination in Male-Dominated Hobbies

It's a well documented fact that female gamers have long been treated as outsiders by the gaming community as this study discusses:

The researchers played against 1,660 unique gamers and broadcasted pre-recorded audio clips of either a man or a woman speaking... Findings indicate that, on average, the female voice received three times as many negative comments as the male voice or no voice.

Since most of that study is behind a paywall and I don't know if you can access it, I'll also give this openly available study that looked a subset of the recordings from the initial study as it gives you some fine details of what they saw. I think that this second study is a little weird in terms of what it's trying to argue, but the hard data and the research methodology seem fine and that's what I want to focus on here:

We show that lower-skilled players were more hostile towards a female-voiced teammate, especially when performing poorly. In contrast, lower-skilled players behaved submissively towards a male-voiced player in the identical scenario. This difference in gender-directed behavior became more extreme with poorer focal-player performance... Higher-skilled players, in contrast, were more positive towards a female relative to a male teammate.

There's also this study which was free through my public library, so hopefully you can find a way to access it, too, if you want to read the whole thing. For the purposes of this post, I'm just going to highlight some of the statistics and cases that it talks about during its introduction:

Recent studies have suggested that sexual harassments in online games are committed mostly by male gamers against female gamers. For example, in South Korea, one of the countries with the largest per capita gaming populations, players who play the female character Mercy in Overwatch are commonly called by an online slang, Bo-Rcy, which literally means ‘Mercy played by female genitals’ and connotes that women are incapable [of playing] the game. Also, a female professional gamer has been falsely accused of using an illegitimate tool simply because her win rate was too high for a woman.

33% of female gamers experienced gender discrimination, and 57% experienced severe sexual harassment after disclosing their genders. Furthermore, 64% of female World of Warcraft players answered that they experienced various in-game sexism such as exclusion (i.e. removing women from the game-play) or gendered flaming (i.e. using derogatory language specifically against female gamers) Also, a report documented that women are exposed to worse forms of online harassment (e.g. stalking, physical threats, etc.) and that about 44% of Internet users, regardless of their sex, agreed that online gaming is ‘more welcoming toward men’. Overall, it can be concluded that ‘video game culture is actively hostile towards women in the private as well as the professional spheres’

In other words, by having Max only ever blame Marinette for his loss, Gamer has Max acting like a tame version your typical woman-hating gamer who can't handle the fact that they've lost to a girl. This is something that I've seen myself and is part of the reason that I lost interest in online gaming. I even know one girl who had to change her in-game name because it openly acknowledged her gender and got her a ton of harassment. Of course, the guys that we played with blamed her for choosing such a harassment-inviting name because heaven forbid that a woman openly play videogames!

Conclusion

Sexism or no sexism, Gamer undeniably validates Max behaving poorly. The perception of that poor behavior is simply exacerbated by existing gender issues. These real-world problems are why people look so negatively on Max's actions. While his behavior is far from the worst gamer rage that I've ever seen, it does represent a classic, sexist issue in gaming.

If it weren't for all of the complexity around the real-world treatment of talented women in male-dominated spaces or the issue of women being taught to prioritize the feelings of others, then this episode would just be one of those episodes with a nonsense moral. For example, it would still be bad if Adrien was in Marinette's spot, it would just no longer be sexist.

However, we don't live in a world without those issues, so this episodes comes across as hella sexist and Max is the main victim because he's representing some major gendered issues that woman have to deal with. I can name so many real world moments that this episode reminded me of and none of them are happy memories. Every single one of them involves someone telling me to put a man's feelings over my own desire or comfort. This is not the kind of messaging I want to see in shows aimed at young girls.

All that being said, I don't think that Max was supposed to be read as sexist. The writers just did him dirty and made him look terrible when he could have been a wonderful lesson on taking a loss with grace and treating female gamers with respect. After all, as we've already acknowledged, Max did start out handling his loss reasonably well. The rest of the episode just completely undoes that initial good reaction, making it so that a lot of viewers will only remember Max being a pouting sore loser who gets rewarded with the thing that he wanted while Marinette feels guilty and gets lambasted by others for daring to want a spot on the team. I am not surprised that the credited writers for this one are a pair of dudes. I sincerely hope (and assume) that this was them being oblivious to a gendered issue and not anything more malicious.

[raayllum]

25. a piece of advice for taking care of yourself in fandom spaces

I have two pieces of advice basically that loop back into each other honestly.

Don't ultimately care about what anyone else says or thinks

Not caring about or trying to manage what other people think of you or your thoughts ≠ being rude or disrespectful, that doesn't mean it never happen - tone and frustration are absolutely real and I express the latter occasionally,

Other people are gonna ship things you don't or ship the same thing but in a way you don't like or just have opinions that are coming from a fundamentally different perspective or reading of the text and... none of it really matters. You don't have to conform to popular fandom if it doesn't fit what you think (that's basically been me in every fandom But TDP, so it's quite refreshing, and even then I very much felt like a lil island in the immediate s4 aftermath), you can ship whatever you want and so can anyone else. I think the most important thing with this is being self aware, though... like yeah I could hypothetically get annoyed over characters in TDP being childish, but coming-of-age stories are about kids and maturation, so like. I can vent in the proper tags but it may just mean the show isn't ultimately for me, y'know? Or at least that it's something I gotta learn to live with if I wanna engage with the show in a way that balances the salt and the sweetness

Additionally, one of the side effects I've found of being '''popular''' within TDP fandom is that my opinion will be taken as gospel or made out to be more than what it is, which is just my subjective opinion / interpretations, the same as anyone else's. Obviously I think my opinions are Right / grounded in the text (as do many people about their own opinions, whether they align with mine or not), but that doesn't mean everyone else is wrong, like... it's a children's cartoon show, if you're getting regularly butt hurt about what other people think or if they do or don't agree with you or whether ur ideas are popular or not you're not gonna have a good time, and fandom is a hobby. It's supposed to be a good time

Avoid taking things personally at all costs

In a similar vein to "don't care what anyone else thinks/says" that goes double for what they think or say about you / what you think. For me this means that unless I get 1) name dropped or 2) something that is so specific me it couldn't apply to someone else, I assume it's not about me. "Rayllum shippers / stans are so annoying"? Not about me and even if I am annoying - isn't everyone sometimes? Being annoying isn't a death sentence lol. "I hope the fandom takes this well"? Not about me. "People who defend S4 just can't admit TDP has flaws"? Not about me. "Snake boi Callum content is so dumb" is about a tag categorization I started for Callum's characterization, but has since more than taken on a life on its own... and isn't about me.

And even when it is personal, it says a lot more about what frustrates the OP or what they're trying to potentially wrangle than it does about me. Like someone disagrees with me or thinks I'm dumb, specifically? Okay, I know I've thought that about people on occasion, I try not to post it or make it obvious, but I can't control what you do. There were a couple of ZK bnf I thought were horrendously bad at meta that I knew by name bc they were everywhere, and it just meant forming my own atla communities/tags and/or stepping away from the fandom.

On a similar note, I'm still gonna keep doing my thing and I encourage people to block me and/or blacklist tags I use if they don't wanna see my stuff. I know how annoying it can be in fandom to feel like you still see stuff you don't want to if it's everywhere, which is also why I don't put all my stuff in the main tags either, but I'm not going to Stop Posting unless I... want to, which won't be happening.

I guess this all basically amounts to:

Focus on finding your people in fandom, cause they are out there

If you find yourself being annoyed by the fandom every day, or find yourself feeling like you have to rebut every little thing that annoys you (for ex, people saying they don't like Rayllum doesn't bother me, that's a neutral opinion. Ppl saying they shouldn't be in the show feels like more of a theme misread, however) work on stepping away and letting things go

Cultivate being fucking weird and unabashedly enthusiastic with self awareness. If you love a ship or headcanon or plot point that's fucking out there or clearly not happening, fucking go for it! Make or enjoy all the stuff for it you want. That said, maintaining awareness that the story doesn't need to go there in order to be good, or that there's not a lot of plausible grounding in canon, can be important especially if you want to connect with other fans.

Like CHET is my pet theory that has also been wildly fortunate enough to get a life of its own in the TDP / Rayllum fandom(s). I've been prepared to drop it three times. I think more than ever that's where the story is going in S7, and that there's a lot of continued setup for it / Something Like It, but I could be dead wrong, and I'm sure I will love if not prefer whatever route S7 would take instead. I love it, and I have a certain amount of attachment, but the story doesn't owe it to me, similarly to how I'm not owed in fandom to have people Like what I make or make what I like

Like respect should be given for sure unless I make a routine ass of myself, but again, I've been very fortunate that some stuff has caught on as much as it has because it clicked with other people who were already thinking the same thing, or found xyz idea made a lot of sense. And that's really nice! I think it's those things that help build a community. But in fandom you kind of have to be willing to be an Island first, and then if you get stuck being an island permanently, it may be worth reflecting on why sometimes — whether it's because of aggression, shyness, preference, or no real reason except your people haven't shown up yet

[bidisaster-peanut-romano]

actually, you know what.

this is from a deleted chapter of shttdd. i had to cut it for a number of reasons, but this scene was one of the first i pictured in my mind and it works perfectly with the idea i still have about the relationship between peanut and his mother.

so. here it is, a deleted and rough draft of an excerpt from the story as well as a headcanon. enjoy <3

-

word count: 1.5k ca.

-

He finds her sitting on the bench at the stop, a bit of the excitement already faded, if anything in the calm of the wait in the rigid December cold, as Larry sits next to her.

Ever since he was a child, he has barely ever set foot in a church, except maybe a few times that he had to fetch Johnny for some Greasers meeting, so he certainly is no reliable source. Still, when he looks at his mother like this, when she isn’t running from one place to the other, he can’t help but think she looks sort of like a Madonna — in the good Sunday dress her mother had left her, smile sweet but with some undefinable glint of sadness in the corner of her eye. 

His knowledge of the story is vague, but he struggles to believe them, when he hears people claim Mary had happily and unconditionally accepted sacrificing her youth for a child, no matter how much good he would’ve done for the world or how much she would’ve been adored or even how much she would’ve loved the child. Larry is no Jesus, but he knows for sure that, despite treasuring him and loving him to death, his mom has never stopped grieving the teenage years she had to give up for a kid that only ever stopped her from flying away.

«The Espositos are so nice, inviting us all there.» When she speaks, her gaze is lost in the streets in front of her, and she might as well be talking more to herself than to her son. «It’s nice to stay over there, with people who care about you. It’s nice.»

There has always been something ironic about the way she loves and celebrates Christmas, especially since she’s never had a good relationship with a Father that has never cared about her and the only holy water in their house has only ever been the spit on good old Christian ladies condemning her to the stake. Everything she loves about the twenty-fifth of December, Larry has only guessed, is that, for a day, she can pretend not to be in charge, to have someone to rely on.

«Who else of your friends is there?»

She purposefully puts it casually, but the question stabs Larry’s heart sideways nonetheless. However, just like she did, he nonchalantly tries to list of all his Greaser friends that Hal might have invited for Christmas. «Well, usual, I guess. Lefty’s back in Rome for the week, Vance is with his sisters and his mom… most of them will stay at their own house I think. I’m not sure about the Pucinos, since Ricky’s dad just came back an’ all that. But I don’t think anyone else is coming. I wonder if Johnny and Lola will come, after all I think it’s jus’ the two of ‘em. I might go see them in the afternoon.»

At the last two names he finds himself biting the tip of his tongue, some bad feeling in his throat, the doubt that he wouldn’t have been able to avoid the topic if he said it nor if he didn’t.

True to his expectation, at the sole mention of Johnny’s name, his mom’s features harden, her eyes still into the distance; not even looking at him.

What a great way to start the day.

A huff escapes his mouth, but the knot in his trachea doesn’t go away with it. «Mom, I get that you don’t like him, you don’t gotta do this every single time.»

«It’s not that I don’t like him, it’s not personal!» She shakes her head energetically, as she always does, but Larry knows exactly where this is going anyway, and he’s awfully tired of this shitshow that opens its curtains any time he just happens to mention Johnny.

He rolls his eyes, sparks of irritation jumping in his chest, head falling in his hands as all the blood flowing to it makes it heavier and heavier. «I can’t believe we’re having this conversation at a fuckin’ bus stop.»

«I just,» Shrugging frantically, she keeps following her train of thoughts, deaf and blind to her son’s reaction, only her own heart beating in her head. «don’t think you should trust him as much as you do, y’know.»

His arms open, and he’s not looking at her either, too busy trying to hear his own voice over the roar in his ears. «He’s always taken care of me! Always!»

Her argument is always the same, repetitive, stubborn; he must have taken it from somewhere, after all. «For now! You can’t rely on that kind of guy!»

«“That kind of guy”.» Her and Johnny might have interacted two, three, four times at best, and certainly she’s never seen him rush at his side, or waiting for him to wake up in the infirmary, or introducing him to the higher ranking members of the clique, or pulling him away from bullies’ grip, or fighting back by back with him against older kids jumping them. She doesn’t know him, doesn’t know them, and, after leaving him wondering in his earliest childhood if she had ever wanted him around at all, she is definitely not in the position to judge whether Johnny actually cares about him or not. «What “kind of guy” would he be, huh?»

Still, she goes on, undeterred, if anything more determined to make her point come across. «He’ll just chase the first thing that excites him! He can only enjoy things as long as they’re good, but he’ll leave as soon as he doesn’t have fun anymore!»

This time, Larry snaps. «Oh, c’mon! Just ‘cause dad—»

Their eyes finally cross. Suddenly, they are but two sixteen years old staring at each other, both lost, confused, horridly lonely. He’s said the one word that he’s never supposed to voice, that is meant to stay stuck between the teeth she’s kept gritted since the day she found herself alone sixteen years ago. As soon as Larry has let it out, it has pierced into her gaze, breaking the glass of her eyes that she had tried to keep together with superhuman effort.

What an asshole that he is, isn’t he.

Taking back his words is impossible, now, or, at least, there’s nothing he can do to glue those pieces back together, fragile like crystal in his rough and indelicate hands. «Mom…»

«You know what? You’re right.» She turns her head away again; her voice is coarse, older than the thirty-two years old she’s supposed to be, as shaky as the little girl she never grew out of. «I can’t believe we’re having this conversation at a fuckin’ bus stop.»

Apologies are stuck up his throat, blocking his breath, but he knows better than to insist; for once, he should just be an adult and shut his mouth.

He just wishes this wasn’t such a minefield, one where they are only ever condemned to hurt each other.

When they get on the bus, it’s wordlessly, silence heavy on Larry’s stomach and his mom’s eyes passively laying on the window as the buildings slide behind it, gray snow that clashes with the colored lights, five broken for each one shining. She is often silent when something’s wrong; when he was younger, naive and unable to grasp why she should have been upset at him coming back home just a few minutes too late, he would stare at her from the couch, dread in his throat as her face wouldn’t soften for hours, waiting for her to give him a smile, to tell him that it was okay and she still loved him.

Growing older, though, he’s learned to be patient, to test the waters slowly and let her know that she’s safe peeking out of her own head. Lightly, making sure that his own uneasiness doesn’t leak through — she doesn’t need a child to comfort, right now. «Mom?»

Not an answer, a gesture, a gaze.

He takes a breath; just another try. «Mom, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up.»

Finally, she turns to him. At first, there’s still something cold, distant in time and space, like her soul is only now realizing what body she’s finding herself into, like she’s seeing him for the first time, at birth. However, it warms soon after, thin lips curling in a soft smile, that Holy Mary tender and bittersweet gaze, as she caresses his cheek. «It’s okay. I just wish you didn’t turn out so much like me.»

This is another thing that she tells him often; in all these years, though, Larry still hasn’t found quite the right explanation. All he can do is laying his head on her shoulder and let her stroke his hair, pretending for just a second that they can be just as happy together as any mother and son would be.

What would they be like, if they were okay?

[simonalkenmayer]

Saw you on my dashboard and realized i must have followed you at some point and woah… its crazy to see your blog now… when i was a little kid i was obsessed with your book. I distinctly remember bringing it to Hippie Jewish Summer Camp and creating a weird little kid book club which created a friend group of the few kids in the girls bunk who were interested (interesting to note that im pretty sure all of us who read it are No Longer Girls but thats probably correlation not causation or whatever) and went into the woods to figure out how to avoid being eaten (the solution was usually to leave the woods). Until one of my friends took your book out to read in the rain. Anyhoo it is nice to find your blog and see you supportive of trans rights and against antisemitism bc i know what it was like for some of my friends to find out that their favorite childhood author was very much Not Those.

Sorry if its weird reading about a bunch of kids reading your experiment but it is a good memory for me. Thank you for that. Not sure if i believe you. Still not sure but i guess the alternative is believing humans are alone which is kind of depressing.

Anyway my question is how do you recommend i get my hands on physical copies of your books? (I know your blog is online and all i just much prefer paper than staring at a screen for hours) I know I had a copy of the first one when i was a child (still do) but i don’t actually have any memory of how i came to acquire it? I mean, i can see listings for them on Amazon but i would rather not support that whole monopoly (and it probably wasn’t how i got the book originally because i didn’t have access to online shopping as a kid and i mean, you gotta admit its kind of a weird choice of a book for a mom to buy a twelve year old. No offense.) and if its on bookshop i can’t find it in the sea of normal cookbooks. If possible id like to buy them in whatever way supports you directly! :)

Have a wonderful day, and let me know if you ever want, like, a picture of my cat or something. (Also i assume from your blog header that fanart is welcome? But let me know if im wrong about that)

-Dandy

You can order the first book. I haven’t gotten the second back into print.

If you want an autographed copy, just message me and I’ll tell you how to obtain it.

It’s also hilarious to me that you say “when I was a little kid” as if it were plural decades ago. I obtained my tumblr in 2014. I didn’t do anything with it until the book came out in 2015. My website has been around since 2011. I’ve had the same pair of boots the whole time.

I am very honored to have been a part of your youth in a positive way. Thank you for telling me.

[omophagic-beast]

for the tarot asks! Empress and Moon!

hi! thank you for the ask :33 questions are from this ask game

The Empress — Where do your ideas come from? OR Do you seek out or avoid inspiration while working on an idea?

i answered the first one here, so ill answer the second one this time >:3

i absolutely seek out inspiration while working on an idea! i feel like you gotta. though theres always a touch of fear that whatever im working on is something someone has done before, i think trying to avoid confirmation of that just means youre denying your project the opportunity to grow in an unexpected way

also i would be but dust without my project pinterest boards

The Moon — Talk about a game you’re working on and what you’re struggling with.

i havent been working on anything recently, not since we finished the final draft of Before the Flood, but ive committed to having my time travel game (working title Hooked) be my next project (not including game jam stuff)

but if i may make a prediction about whats going to be difficult with it, id guess the layout. its going to be written like a time travelers journal, a person giving advice to their past selves in an attempt to perfect and escape the loop theyre in. but the journal has been passed down through several loops already, which means currently ive got around 6 versions of this character in my head who all want to add their notes into the margins of the game

im not even sure how to show that in a plain word doc, notes with numbers beside them? different typefaces? i know i want them to be different colors in the final game but in the meantime i want things to be as plain and easy to read as possible

and then the actual process of laying everything out is just, oof. i want to preemptively apologize to my future self for this one

its gonna be sick though

[askbensolo]

Kashyyyk Log #3: Kinesis

I caught up with Amalia later that evening, after Auntie Malla had retired for the night. The two of us sat on the balcony and dangled our legs over the edge and enjoyed the balmy air and listened to the nighttime bugs and watched the fires that flickered from neighboring treehouses. We had a cooler with some beers, and we were in the middle of demolishing our third bag of hot chili tuber crisps.

“I still can’t believe you threatened Luke with my saber,” Amalia said. “It came to your hand?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you even used the Force since back when you used to train with us?”

“No.”

“Have you tried to use it since the saber incident?”

I stuffed my mouth with crisps to avoid answering.

“Solo.”

“…Well, maybe. It hasn’t worked for me, though.” I held out my hand toward the cooler, and tried to—I don’t know. Make something move, or something. Nothing happened.

“I wouldn’t try, if I were you,” Amalia warned. “It’s kinda sketchy, trying to do it without training. You don’t know what you’re doing. What you might be letting in. Or letting out.”

“Well, what about you? You still use the Force, and you’re not being trained anymore.”

“I don't use the Force anymore,” Amalia said. “I let the Force use me.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t try to make the Force do stuff for my purposes,” she explained. “I let the Force use me, when I have the ability to serve its purposes. Like stunning the kinraths to protect us—and, deflecting your blaster shots to protect the kinraths. The will of the Force is to preserve life. I allow the Force to use me to carry out its will. Using the Force, without purpose—or just, like, however we see fit—is an abuse of the power it’s given us as a gift.”

I took a thoughtful sip of my beer. “Hm. That’s an interesting way to look at it, I guess.”

Amalia shrugged. “Yeah, well. I had to think a lot about the way I was gonna look at things, once I left the Jedi.” She looked at me, then. “You ever think about how you see the galaxy, Solo?”

“No. I mean—why bother? I don’t think we can ever understand all of it.”

“Well, you believe something, whether you mean to or not. Everyone’s gotta answer the same ol’ questions: why are we here, what makes something right or wrong, why do bad things happen to good people, and what happens when we die.”

“Well, here’s my answers: I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, and I don’t know.”

“Well, start thinking about it, or what you end up believing is gonna be something you never actually put any thought into. You know what I never understood about the way the Jedi taught the Force?” Amalia asked, tapping an empty beer can against her knees. “The light side of the Force. The dark side of the Force. Two sides of the same Force, held in delicate balance. The light—all that is good. The dark—all that is evil. Both of them the Force. Both of them in balance. Well, that had to be bantha crap to me. My life has had enough darkness in it. I want to live in a galaxy where good beats evil—not one where they balance each other out.”

“I mean…sure, that makes sense,” I said. “So…what do you believe now?”

“That there is no light or dark side of the Force. There’s the Force. We come from the Force. The Force resides in each of us. The Force has given us its power. Some of us can wield its power over nature. All of us can influence the galaxy with our choices. The Force is good, all good, and only good. It’s not the Force that’s light or dark. It’s people who choose light or dark with their deeds. When we choose light, we choose the Force. When we choose darkness, we choose ourselves. The Force has given us the ability to choose. But without the Force, we can only choose darkness. When the Force awakens us, it makes us able to choose light. The Force is a person. The Force is love, and the Force loves us. The Force—”

“Mal. Mal,” I interrupted, as gently as I could. “Yo. Bud. Thanks for sharing. I appreciate it. I’d love to hear more sometime. But…” I laughed a little. “I think I’m just a little too drunk for this catechism right now, to be honest.”

“Oh. Uh. Sorry,” Amalia said, looking a little anxious. “I just—I just care about it a lot. Sorry, dude.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry,” I told her, patting her on the shoulder. She fiddled with her empty beer can some more, chewing on her lip, staring intensely out at the trees.

“You know something, Mal?” I said. “You sorta…seem to light up, when you talk about the Force. In a way you never did as a Jedi, I mean.”

“Well…yeah,” she said, still looking out into the forest. “When I was a Jedi, it was all about doing. Doing, doing, doing. Maybe that’s not what the Jedi taught. But somehow, that’s what I learned. I wanted to be the best. To prove I deserved to exist. I wanted Luke to be my dad and love me like the family I never got to have. But, when I met the Force…began to see the Force as a person, and not just a nebulous energy…when I learned the Force knew me, and loved me, and didn’t need me to prove myself…and could put its light inside of me, instead of me always tryna, you know, like, kindle the wet firewood of my heart…” She paused. “Well, it changed a lot for me.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I can see that. You seem different. I mean…you’re the same old Amalia. But…you’re also different, too.”

Amalia nodded. “Thanks.”

The bonfires in the distance began to fade one by one. It was getting late. Amalia and I were quiet for a while, taking in one another’s company in silence. We opened the fourth bag of hot chili tuber crisps.

“…So, uh. Before you broke up, or whatever. Did you and Fannie, like…make out?”

I choked and threw her a stern glare. “Amalia. For kriff’s sake. I may be too drunk to talk religion. But I am not drunk enough to answer that question for you.”

“Oh. My. Force,” Amalia breathed. “You didn’t say no. That basically means yes. If the answer was no, you would’ve said no. You didn’t say no. You guys freaking made out. How far did you go?”

“Ew!”

“‘Scuse me? What do you mean, ew? You were the one suckin’ face, bro!”

“We were not sucking face!”

“Why? Did she suck something else?”

I gagged. “Amalia, I am this close to freaking murdering you.”

“Fine, fine, fine, I’ll stop,” she grinned. “But, I will have you know that I am very amused right now. Very amused.”

I rolled my eyes—then thought of a way to embarrass her back.

“You know, Mal,” I smirked. “Auntie Malla kept on saying I should marry you. Said you had strong hips, and you’d bear strong children. Or something.”

I expected Amalia to have a huge reaction. Pretend to throw up. Say she’d rather die. Try to punch me, or something. But instead, she just stared at me, an unreadable expression on her face. And then, she looked away.

The nighttime bugs sang their song.

A few more fires went out.

…Awkward.

For a second, I stole a look at her, the last of the firelight flickering on her skin, her face barely illuminated by the fading distant bonfires. She didn’t look pretty—I don’t think “pretty” would ever be a word that could be used to describe Amalia—but…it made her look kind of intriguing, and mysterious, in a way I couldn’t explain.

And…for the first time…I was just uninhibited enough to…kind of…maybe…sort of entertain the idea. Just a little.

She caught me looking.

I looked away.

[things-about-cars-in-posts]

So, uh... this post was answering an ask, but then the saving glitched or something and now the post is in the drafts but it no longer has the ask in it, but the ask isn't in the inbox either. So I don't know if it vanished completely or if it will appear in this post upon posting. And perhaps more importantly, I don't know if the asker will get a notification when I hit post. I guess this is a good moment to ask you all to please avoid asking questions anonymously if possible, so I can reach out if need be (especially considering the months I tend to take to answer, har har).

Well, great, my quest to write a brief post is off to a great start. Oh, I know!

*ominous clattering sounds*

So, ever seen Speed? The movie, not the phenomenon. I haven't, but from what I heard, it's a movie where a bus driver finds out there's a bomb that will go off if they go slower than 50mph. I've gotta see it just to find out what prompted that, did a passenger get frustrated with how slow it- see?!?! I'm doing this again! But no more, thanks to this nifty device I've fitted, that will blow up if this post's word count reaches 2000 words. Yes, that's a pretty high bar, but you know, we tryna stay alive, like Wyclef Jean said. Wait, no, I don't think he ever actually says the song's title in the lyrics. But surely he mentioned its title at some point, right? I'm doing it again aren't I. What was the question anyway?

Do I- Okay, let's not repeat the "do I have thoughts on that" line. Last time it didn't end well.

But yeah, of course! I wrote about the Corolla previously, and who could forget the first mass production hybrid car?

Well, most of the people who drove one, probably - and likely even some that are currently involved in driving one. And, as I went over, I think that's to Toyota's credit.

Now, in my post about hybrid powertrains (definitely a recommended read to anyone who's giving a shit right now) I forewent one of the few important distinction between an F1 car's KERS system and my mom's Toyota - since the former can never run purely on electric power it's a mild hybrid, whereas Toyota's Hybrid Synergy Drive (HSD for friends) is a full hybrid system since it can. So essentially the reason her Toyota is not like an F1 Ferrari is that it's more capable. (And also it burns down less.) So the car could be using only the electric engine, or only the combustion engine, or both, or energy could be getting generated through regen braking or even by the engine(???) and I'm not even sure that's it. There's even a little animation you can toggle that shows you what the drivetrain is doing and what energy is going where. And I always thought that was a bit of a test-drive-only gimmick, not realizing that in my reaction lay proof of the system's brilliance: you don't ever really notice nor care what it's doing! Thanks to the smoothness of a very clever CVT made of planetary gears that I vaguely assume I understand, you barely ever feel any of those goings on. Aside from shifting into B when you need engine braking -even that a very smooth affair- all you ever experience is the variation in noise from the silence of EV mode to, should you ever be so unlucky as to encounter a road that points up...

(credit to @ggrtl1)

The HSD system now being in most of Toyota's range makes it easy to forget how it was a Prius exclusive for the longest time, and how starkly the Prius stood out when that was the case. But if we look back with that in mind, the Prius being an environmentally conscious choice that doesn't actually require you to have a clue about shit, and a car that almost actively dodges your attention, it's clear how it immediately became extremely popular… almost as much as it was maligned.

Car enthusiasts, as I already went over (oh sorry, I'd already linked this one), hated the Prius with unfathomable passion. I grew up in car meme circles and counting the jokes at the Prius' expense was akin to counting your breaths. To this day you can probably spot peeling "Prius repellent" stickers atop the exhaust pipes of the most insulting trucks of the Walmart lot. And really, I think there's more to why than what I talked about. For one, the Prius's architecture and marketing attracted and created drivers without much eagerness to get out of their own way, and by extension the cars behind them's. But really, people hated on Audi drivers tailgating and BMW drivers being seemingly unaware of the turn signal stalk's presence, and that never translated into cheering at pictures of M3s and RS4s engulfed in flames. There also was the idea of the Prius driver as someone eager to rub their environmental consciousness in your face - and I believe that gets closer to the point, but again, however much you can hate a driver, that doesn't really translate into hating the car with such memetic reliability that a key mechanic in my favorite gaming series ever involves finding pink Priuses and blowing them up.

It's something about the car itself. Or rather, what it represented.

I believe the Prius was the vegan of cars.

It was never just about what it did or how, but about how its existence implied that our way of life (in our case our acoustically, socially and environmentally obnoxious gas guzzlers) was bad, was wrong. It was an attack on how we rolled. And so we attacked back: "No, fuck YOU. You're nerdy, and uncool, and boring, and ugly. Go die." And really, it's interesting how those were the angles the Prius was attacked by - even though it was clearly never concerned with being cool or exciting to drive and, if I do say so myself, the Prius never looked that bad in the years when that hate developed.

I mean, even this interior is neat if you ask me!

Really, I think the reason those angles were chosen goes beyond the car. Nerdy, uncool, boring, ugly. What image does that conjure up?

Exactly.

And just like that emoji, those are comebacks you huck at someone who's getting in the way of your good time. But how did someone else's car get in the way of our good time? Simple: by highlighting the problems with our good time. Again, the vegan of cars. And just like them, this opposite faction was also seen as a threat. If this view wins, we feared, our vehicles for The Good Time will get banned or canceled or neutered beyond recognition. We were arguably living through the start of such events and they did get worse with time.

But still, our approach was misguided, handling serious environmental issues with the same maturity of children being reminded of their homework by their parents. The solution was not to try and boo the issue away, as though a relative handful of enthusiasts could drown out environmentalism, but to recognize that our smaller number and the masses' different priorities could have been assets: get out of this tunnel vision whereby everyone needs to have what you like and let others have a Prius; hell, encourage others to get a Prius, because the more people buy fuel efficient cars on their own accord, the less governments will feel the need to force them to do so with bans! Because bans? They SUCK. Not being able to use your car or go some place no matter how much you're willing to pay and how many hoops you're willing to jump through SUCKS. And it's unfair to everyone: the greener choice should be the better choice, because if not you're short changing people, and that betterness should be communicated well to the people, so they know they're not getting short changed. At which point you wouldn't need a ban anyway because the only people who wouldn't pick the greener thing of their own accord are us, the handful of weirdos who'll gladly stick with something worse for The Experience™, whose impact will be too small to be worth restricting everyone's freedom over.

We were too few to matter, but instead of using that as the asset it was we fought against that idea. And that's understandable: we all like for our opinion to be popular, we all like to push people to be more like us because we like the idea that it's a good thing to be the way we are. So it's tough to embrace the idea that the fewer people like us there are the better. And perhaps we were too proud to admit that our passion really is problematic at scale and thus have that conversation altogether. Or we just didn't feel like dealing with that problem. Again, kids not wanting to do homework.

But now that half of all Toyotas sold (in the U.S. at least, but that's always been the cultural trends dictator anyway) are hybrids, funnily enough, it all seems okay. I mean, whose vitriol is being spent on the Corolla Hybrid? And it's not because the Corolla name did get slapped onto enough different cars that eventually it landed onto something with some enthusiast cred...

...because that never made enthusiasts hold the "normal" Corolla in any higher regard than 'boringly sensible, nondescript transportation only ever interesting as a way to justify any unwise sportscar purchase of a similar buy-in price' ("Can you believe I got this V10 twin turbo Audi RS6 for the price of a new Corolla?", usually said a month before the first night spent under a bridge). And even if it did, it would be all the more reason to curse the HSD powertrain for "ruining" it, or whatever. People don't hate on the RAV4 Hybrid, the Sienna Hybrid, the whatever Hybrid nowadays. (Or maybe they are and I'm just hanging around more mature people now, but I do feel like a cultural shift has gone on.)

Is it because hate struggles to spread itself too thin, especially across vehicles whose hybridness isn't their whole personality as the Prius's was? Maybe, but I doubt it looking at all the positive sentiment around the fifth gen Prius, surprising a glowup as it may have been.

(Y'ain't really fuck with me way back then girl

how 'bout now)

It could also be that a threat is often worse than the event itself, because focusing on a threat makes it feel like an all-encompassing hypothetical that must be avoided at all costs or how will we manage, but when we live through it it's just one of the many things going on in our lives, and we find out we manage just fine. Many cars we barely cared about to begin with are hybrid now, so what. Those seeking to avoid hybrid powertrains just... do that. Some cars are canceled, so we buy used or look elsewhere. That Prius was not a harbinger of doom, just a precursor of a trend that it didn't cause, and didn't really kill us all. But maybe it's the move that we're currently fearing will kill us all, electrification, that has not just shifted attention away from hybrids, but framed them more positively by comparison. But perhaps there's an even bigger, show-stealing enemy, doing what we feared hybrids would do and what we're fearing electrification will do: SUVification. Sure, people raged at things like the Honda NSX becoming a hybrid or the Mazda MX-5 announcing electrification, but travesties like the new "Capri" really make that rage look silly, as if we lost the focus of what was really vital, like i did with the word count oh no

Links in blue are posts of mine about the topic in question: if you liked this post, you might like those - or the blog’s Discord server, linked in the pinned post!

[kwaggysshardmindemporium]

I've been using Pokemon Sleep for about five weeks now. Here's some thoughts below the cut. It's a long one.

First, my opinions about the nuts and bolts of how it works. This is... mostly complaints.

- The monetization in this game is absolutely disgusting. Like just heinous. If you're the kind of person that needs to avoid stuff with microtransactions, do not install this game. I haven't given them a dime, but I've also at this point built up a strong resistance to monetization tricks. DO NOT let your kids play this game if they have a credit/debit card hooked up to their accounts.

- On the flip side, credit where due, when they say on the load screen that you can play 100% of the game without paying, this is true. You'll progress faster and with less effort if you pony up some cash, but the game gives you a decent stream of the premium currency, Diamonds, that will get you access to whatever niceties you'd like. If I wanted something that requires the premium currency to get, I haven't found myself walled behind a massive wait for the drip feed to catch up.

- The game wants roughly thirty minutes to an hour of your time a day not counting the sleep tracking. Three ten to twenty minute chunks. One in the morning to review last night's sleep data and feed Snorlax breakfast, one in the afternoon for lunch, and then one or two in the evening for dinner and switching on the sleep tracking.

- When the app tells you to put your phone on the bed for the sleep tracking, this is actually NECESSARY for how it functions. I had assumed it just uses audio to gauge if you snore or whatever (which it does), but it also uses your phone's accelerometer to determine if you're tossing and turning and by extension how deep you're sleeping. If you put it on a bedside table or something, it'll give you a readout saying you slept like an absolute fucking ROCK. If you're like me and toss and turn a lot, you can actually use this to cheese the game a little since certain Pokemon only appear when you sleep deeper and those are for me quite hard to get without this cheese. I would go so far as to actively recommend this tactic.

- You may notice that's kind of a creepy amount of data to collect and it feels kind of like inviting a stalker into your bedroom. You are correct. The app assures you that the actual sleep data does NOT get transmitted at all. I do not have anything other than their word to confirm that. I don't know if what it collects is fairly standard for other apps like it, but my assumption is yes?

- Because of how it tracks your sleep info, if you sleep with a partner in the same bed it completely skullfucks its tracking.

- If you have an even slightly older phone, the app chugs whenever you try to click anything. There's like a one-second lag on every click in the menu followed by a short load screen. Those 10-20 minute sessions would be about half as long if I had a phone with more processing speed.

Now all the above might sound damning as hell. But here's the thing. I like this app a lot actually. It's DEEPLY flawed, but let's talk about the game's mechanics, which is mostly positives:

- Right at the top, this app has improved my sleep schedule, pardon the pun, practically overnight. My new PC has told me twice now that step one to fixing most of my mental health issues is healthier sleep, which he knows is hard but you gotta try. I've been hesitant to take the meds he prescribed for that, but I heard about this app and figured gamifying sleeping on time would be a great way to get me to actually do it. Worked like a charm. The game asks what you'd like your nightly bedtime to be, and gives you rewards for maintaining it. You get these rewards if you go to sleep either 90 minutes prior to that time, or 30 minutes after. My doctor recommended 30 in each direction for consistency, but they don't send you a reminder notification until that 30 minute mark prior so partial credit I guess? I've missed that bedtime like 3 times in these last five weeks, and yeah my everything is way better.

- Looking at the Pokemon wandering my camp makes my brain make the happy juice in a way most Pokemon stuff really doesn't anymore. Like, there's no battles or anything (although you apparently can transfer to and from Pokemon Go, don't know how well that works because I don't play), so you just get a pleasant kind of domesticity most Pokemon stuff doesn't do.

- Here's the actual gameplay loop. You're researching Pokemon sleep patterns. To do this, you're using some nonsense machine that amplifies local Snorlax's natural aura of sleepiness to attract Pokemon to come sleep by it. Snorlax's are apparently the capybaras of the Pokeworld which I actually love. The more you feed Snorlax, the more powerful this sleepy aura becomes. It resets each week because you go to a new campsite with a new Snorlax. During the day, your team of Pokemon (max of... 5 for some reason instead of the default six everywhere else in this franchise?) gather berries to feed your Snorlax throughout the day in idle-game-esque timers, as well as ingredients for more complicated meals. You take the ingredients, make Snorlax meals up to three times a day (6am-noon for breakfast, noon-6pm for lunch, 6pm-6am for dinner). Each pokemon also has an ability that in some way helps you out. Then you can at any time turn on the sleep tracking, then turn it off when you wake up. After a rest of 90+ minutes has been tracked, it gives you a total of how much power that rest generated, and takes you to a minigame where you photograph the sleeping Pokemon that came to rest in your camp. The more power, the more varied the sleeping positions and the rarer the Pokemon. You can then feed them biscuits to befriend them. You get the equivalent of a Great Ball(/Biscuit) every day which on its own fills about 3/5 of a non-evolved Pokemon's friendship bar (the basic biscuit that you'll use most of the time fills 1/5), so there's always at least some progress towards making a friend. Sometimes a Pokemon is extra hungry and the first thing you feed them is worth triple, and you can also get that same multiplier as an RNG thing without warning. Once you fill up a bar, you've befriended that Pokemon and can now add it to your teams or send it to the professor for candies like you do in Pokemon Go. You are also given candies for every Pokemon you attracted even if you don't befriend them, plus "Sleep Points" based on how long you slept for that can be exchanged for items like more biscuits (for reference, a single basic biscuit is roughly 1.5 times a good night's sleep... fucking YIKES) plus "Dream Shards" for how cool the photos you took are, which are used mostly for leveling up your Pokemon and upgrading your camp.

- I love this gameplay loop actually. It feels way more like these Pokemon are my friends as opposed to wild animals I've caught.

- Leveling up and evolving take large amounts of those candies and dream shards. The candies feel like the primary gate on progression.

Overall, this is a game I like a lot despite its flaws, and the positive impact it's had on my health even in this short span is hard to understate. I wish they'd back off with the creepy monetization so I could actively recommend instead of recommend with an asterisk. But yeah that's my thoughts on this weird ass product.

[diedandwenttobobevans]

First Journal Entry 7/21/24

Hi. Hello. I'm so fucking bad at journals. I've been wanting to do this for a bit tho. It's going to be a big dumb thought dump. Don't really care about coherence, this is just a habit I really wanted to get into. Theres a part of me thats like, anxious? I'm dealing with some really bad self image issues right now. Lots of stuff going on in my life. I've been insanely insecure and self concious recently and so even just the idea of airing my greivances out publicly with the protection of anonymity is nerve wracking to me. Everything in life feels overwhleming and. just. AAAAAAAAAA

Here's the thing. I'm a sorry excuse for an adult. I'm 35, just got out of a mediocre and toxic 13+ year relationship with my ex back in April. It was a long, dragged out death to a unfulfilling existence that I held onto too long. Dear Jesus I just realized I'll be 36 in 3 weeks. Fuck. Ready to get off Mr. Bones ride already. I am she/her/they (oh hey, that they is new but dont want to dwell on it too much) bi- lesbian leaning mess of a human being. I don't have spawn thank god. That's not to say I dislike kids or anything, I just don't find I am a patient and responsibile enough person to care for one. I barely can take care of myself.

So mental disorders. I haven't been properly diagnosed. Gotta love the American Health Care system. But it's more so I don't do anything. I don't take care of myself in the very obvious ways and I am always prcrastinating and straight up avoiding difficult and stressing tasks that every other normal ass person can do. So I haven't bothered with getting health insurance. I don't have a traditional job that provides benefits. God, I sleep so much but everthing tires me. Even just writing this out is mentally exhausting. I don't know whats wrong with me. I think its ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, maybe something else. Autism? BPD? Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac. I don't know how people can function if they feel like I do. I barely want to get out of bed.

My brain is starting to fry and I'm struggling to sit and type these feelings out. Again, so overwhelmed. It feels like I have so much to dump here. But at the same time I don't know what I want to talk about? If its not obvious, I'm not a self actualized person. I'm struggling defineing myself and my goals and what I want out of life. I'm hoping journaling practices will help with that.

I hung out with my brother and two of his friends on Saturday. One is renting out his basement, hes a long time friend of my bro's wife. Great guy, but I kinda want him to move out so I can take over the basement. Hes been house hunting recently so it seems possible. The other friend is a woman I just met this year, not sure how long of a friend shes been with Bro but shes openly Pan, outgoing, smart, adorably nerdy. Fine as hell. An amazingly caring person. I, the absolute garbage bag I am, went to a party at the beguinning of the year and not knowing anyone there, drank fast and furious and went a little loud and first met Adorable Nerd (not knowing the extent of her nerdiness) while plastered, trauma dumped about my failing relationship. Claimed to "like her vibe" THEN GAVE HER ASS A SQUEEZE according to other party goers. I'm so ashamed. and cowardly to boot so the next 2 parties I seen her at I avoided her out of embaressment. The fact she still wants to talk and even has invited me out to future hangouts is insane. She loves DnD and wants to play so bad. Maybe she would want to go to Gen Con? Trying to enjoy roleplaying games and board games is kind of weird when theres a lot of history of my ex and those activities, but damn it, I like that stuff. I may of learned a lot from him about the subjects but that doesn't make me not interested anymore.

Anyway, AdoraNerd seems intent on trying to "help" me. Trying to get me out and about, talk about my feelings. It's been 3 months now since the break up. I guess I should leave the house. Is she into me, is this weird to ask. Why would she care. I told her she would do amazing in psychology

God this a jumbled mess of thoughts. I would love to get better at writing and organzing my brainworms. For now though I think I'll end it here and try to make this a daily practice.

I want to add what I'm listening to here as well. Remember on myspace and xanga and most people ended their blogs with "currently lsitening to/currently watching/ currently playings/currently eating ect" stuff? I want to continue the tradition. What would all the important stuff be? I also kind of want to get into a collages for my mood so I have some kind of creative outlet outside of work.

Listening: SUPERHEAVEN - I'VE BEEN BORED / LITHONIA - CHILDISH GAMBINO

Watching: THE TICK (1994)

[celestie0]

I didn’t realise you weren’t even intentionally writing the pattern of reader leaving kickoff gojo that was actually something I really liked even though my kitty probably had some medical complications from all the edging let alone the characters lmfao ur putting em through hell babe

And god thank you for the mental prep cause yes I loooooooove angst but it’s gotta be followed by the comfort tag bc lord I think I have genuine trauma from some fics

lol I remember the end of this one toji (or was it gojo I don’t remember) fic had me sinking to my knees, clutching my mums skirt and calling for her to sooth my agony

anyway I just love these babies way too much and I’ve been at piece since you guaranteed a happy ending so I’m praying it stays that way and nothing possesses you in the midst of the night to turn on us all and single handedly raise suicide rates

anywho apart from that angst is good tho anddddd it means you’ve extended kickoff past the original plan of 12 chapters right??? I saw you answer an ask about that and I was so FUCKING glad cause this series has my whole heart :(

like fr I don’t close these tabs btw like ur page and the kickoff masterlist are semi permanently open on my phone

ihm morning sex yum spectacular although I realise I rlly do need build up to smut like it’s been a while since I read the chapters but ik in the series nghhm never seen a first time scene with morning wood tbh but id have to be blind not to see the vision

I just skimmed smut of clan leader gojo going feral and filling up wife reader like a water balloon (first fic under the gojo smut search I’m pretty sure)

mm yh that’s it for todays dump sorry I always do this hehe I don’t like typing I be leaving friends on read left and right for days but if its you 🫶

kiss kiss

-spinster anon 💋

HAHAH i mean it's sooooort of intentional, kickoff reader canonically has avoidant attachment style, like she'd rather leave than get left. but i guess it hasn't come to the point yet where it super bothers kickoff gojo, but that time will come loool. even he has his limits also LMFAOO sorry for the edging xd

i don't think the angst in kickoff will be super crazy extreme like some fics i've read but it'll def be angsty loool. but nooooo the fic will DEF have a happy ending <3 i can't stand sad endings, i won't read fics if i know they have sad endings haha. PLS NOT THE SUICIDE RATES

yesss omg ch12 chapters was AMBITIOUS ahha. i anticipate kickoff will have 18 chapters now? there's one more "arc" after this current edging arc loool. like a relationship arc combined w the third act angst and then i imagine it'll wrap up pretty quickly in like 1-2 chapters. but i am historically horrendous at predicting these things haha so we'll see!! also sob at the tabs thing. imma eat u ur so sweet my spinster anon :((

yess agreed i also need build up to smut lolol. but in my head i know all of what happens in ihm so the morning sex scene i wrote did have build up in theory xD

thanks uuu for the ask bb <33 it's a joy to talk to youuu

[midnightfire830]

What’s the worst things that all of the questers have done in the villain au, there gotta be something😭

TW I guess for some kinda twisted stuff? Torment and murder but I don’t think its all that bad.

Cuphead- Cup’s killed A LOT of people. And he’s had to torment several people for work. Several times. And some of those times he’s actually enjoyed it.

Mugman- For mugs it would have to be killing people. He generally has good morals so killing is most likely the worst he’s ever done.

Bendy- Some people never finished their end of a bargain, or would return his favor, or pay up. He’s very polite and well-mannered when talking to people, especially customers, but when they try to double cross him it gets ugly. He’s not above torment and killing. Although he usually likes to do more creative punishments, like voodoo, curses, and ironic spells to make them suffer.

Boris- Mostly just stealing. That’s about the worst he’s had to do. And maybe physical harm but he’s never killed anyone.

Felix- Same as Boris, stealing priceless artifacts and bodily harm to other people. And ever since he’s become zany he doesn’t kill because that goes against the rules of a gag.

Alice- Probably killing people. And a lot of deceit. And lies. And double-crossing. And stealing. And probably made a couple of angels fall. Girl is kinda messed up.

Holly- Blackmail. She’s ruined several people’s lives. And probably killed a few but not that much.

Cala- She works with Mugman. She’s killed a lot of people. Turning them to stone and then manipulating the stone to do whatever she wanted. Kinda twisted in my mind.

(Idk to me killing and torment is the worst that someone can do to a person. I guess there are other things but I really would like to avoid topics like that.)

Thanks for the ask!

[i-am-beckyu]

questions go brr

Does Tommy have any talents? Like sewing, inventing stuff, drawing, writing, but doesn't realise it? This could be very fluffy because he could be very smart and clever but because of where he grew up he never noticed? Fluff with a side of angst. Speaking of angst, Tommy is going to have quite a lot of it, judging from the rough outlines first chapter, his past, and the snippets. I highly doubt he's going to catch a break. What are the crafts first reactions to Tommy when Phil brings him home? Since Tommy had been living in their walls for the past-how long? He probably knows lots of stuff about them. He probably would mess up all the time by referring to events when he wasn't (supposed to be) there. Now that would raise suspicions. What about lying? While he's lying about where he came from, who his parents are and other things he absolutely could not tell, he would probably do all the normal things a inexperienced liar would do, like avoiding eye contact, fiddling, speeded up heart rate, stuff anyone with eyes would notice. Now that's might raise a few eyebrows. The crafts would have no idea why this poor child is lying to them, they would be so confused! But they probably would respect his boundaries. Tommy is probably a fidgety kid. Why do you think he is like that? Probably because he is so nervous. What kind of stuff does he like, and what makes him unhappy/uncomfortable? What kind of books (once he learns how to read) does he like? Is he surprised how small everything is when he's human sized? What about clothes? What about thunder storms? How does Tommy feel about each of the crafts? What about movie nights? What kind of shows does Tommy like? Do we meet other characters? Is Tommy confused about his sizeshifting? You said it had to do with his emotions. So when he's relaxed or scared he becomes tiny I'm guessing, and when he's angry, tense or any kind of big emotion. He does learn to control it later on though, right? Even when he does, he probably still doesn't have complete control. This would be a tell tail for his emotions, like if he's guilty or sad he won't tell, but his size would give it away. But that's after the reveal. Okay I'm out of questions again.

🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪

I love asking things about the au!

Do you have any prompts/fake titles for me?

-✨anon✨

*dies from happiness over more questions. Is struck by an angel to be resurrected and answer them*

✨anon✨, you have been the death of me. Thank you.🥹

Does Tommy have any talents? Like sewing, inventing stuff, drawing, writing, but doesn't realise it?

Yes! He is very good at sewing! As mentioned in the last ask, he worked on perfecting every skill he possibly could to get better as a borrower. Turns out he had a very good knack for sewing though and would often just sneak into the sewing section of the colony to make or fix items of clothing. (Do not ask me about what other sections exist because I do not know yet 🙃) But sewing is one of the things he would do a lot of to fill time on his own and make himself feel better.

What are the crafts first reactions to Tommy when Phil brings him home?

🤐🥰

Since Tommy had been living in their walls for the past-how long? He probably knows lots of stuff about them. He probably would mess up all the time by referring to events when he wasn't (supposed to be) there.

Yes! I really want to include some things like that. I have a line already written for that in chapter 2 so just gotta think of more lines!!

What about lying?

mmmmmmm. Haven't thought about it before. I definitely agree he's a terrible liar, but I think in my head I have it that he never really has to lie, because he kind of just half truths things in a way that its just plausible to not question him about it. Like they'll ask where Tommy lives, but he'll say something like: Oh um, its sort of nearby. Then they'll ask him to elaborate and Tommy will just go quiet so sbi just moves on not wanting to pressure him. But they are definitely aware that he's hiding something...

Tommy is probably a fidgety kid. Why do you think he is like that? Probably because he is so nervous.

Bang on. He's anxiety boy. He's with literal beings he's been taught are monsters. Very much believes he's gonna die.

What kind of stuff does he like, and what makes him unhappy/uncomfortable?

E V E R Y T H I N G. Tommy just wants to know about anything and how things work. He is so curious and still very much has that child like curiosity about the world. Things that make him uncomfortable though is talking about the old colony and being alone for too long. T r a u m a :D once he becomes apart of the Craft family, if he spends too long alone, he'll slip back into a mind set of he's not wanted. He improves on this slowly over time tho.

What kind of books (once he learns how to read) does he like?

Similar to last question: anything and everything he can get his hands on. Art of War is one he treasures tho (He was given it from Techno after he was caught looking at a few pages.)

Is he surprised how small everything is when he's human sized? What about clothes?

Also 🤐

What about thunder storms?

Surprisingly, he doesn’t mind them. Finds the sounds soothing.

How does Tommy feel about each of the crafts?

🤐again Hehhehe

What about movie nights? What kind of shows does Tommy like?

Movie nights become so much better for Tommy now that he can actually enjoy them and see the entire screen, instead of a partial view hiding behind stuff. First time he gets to watch proper movie night he begs to watch Up because he wants to know why it’s one of the few movies to ever make Techno cry. Soon becomes a favourite.

Do we meet other characters?

As I’ve said in previous asks, I don’t have plans to add more characters atm unless they become relevant to the plot. For now mainly just sbi focused.

Is Tommy confused about his sizeshifting? You said it had to do with his emotions. So when he's relaxed or scared he becomes tiny I'm guessing, and when he's angry, tense or any kind of big emotion. He does learn to control it later on though, right? Even when he does, he probably still doesn't have complete control. This would be a tell tail for his emotions, like if he's guilty or sad he won't tell, but his size would give it away. But that's after the reveal.

Very confused. He very much is just in a state of shock upon realising his suddenly big. And sort of? While it’s in tune with his emotions, it’s not quite controlled purely by emotion that if he feels scared, he’ll shrink an inch or something. Still kinda got determine exactly how it works but that isn’t really addressed next chapter o know that. Comes later on.

LOOK AT THIS!!! MY BRAIN THOUGHT OF THIS!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay but thank you so so so so so so much for all these wonderful questions and more cookies!

Take these 🍭🍭🍭🍭 and as requested fake fic titles! Do with them as you see fit 🥰

Upon Clouds we Dream

Awaken and see the death you bring

Tremble not, for I am here

(that one has soooo much angst and fluff potential! You could go either end of the spectrum)

Too little too late

In a flurry of sparkles…

(hehe sparkles ✨)

As yellow petals fall

Can humans breathe bubbles too?

(That one is clearly very water focused but hey mer fic anyone lol)

Anyways that’s all I’ve got right now and no pressure to do them all! Just giving some varying options in return for the questions. Thank you again ✨anon✨

[percyjacksonscookies]

dude imma say it

the percy jackson tv show sucks so bad

and I have a lot of time to think at work when im not busy with my little tasks so imma rant about it

because my little brain likes to look for connections i guess

anyway

IT SUCKS SOOOOOO BAAAAAAD HOLY

S H I T

its a giant mix of things because of where we are in time

every major piece of media is a huge reflection of the times we live in so uh

it makes sense that this would suck too like every single other piece of media disney has released in the past decadeish (it comes down to taste so if u like a Disney thing, whatever)

but like?!?!

because of the times we live in where writers had to strike for better wages and a semblance of recognition (i dont know the terms exactly) it makes sense that they gave ol' Ricky boy a shot at screen writing cause they didn't really have to take a chance with a new writer. cause u know disney! wherever there are corners to be cut they will! gotta think of the poor ol' bottom line!!

BUT ALSO RICK RIORDAN'S QUALITY IN WRITING WENT DOWN S O HARD AFTER HIS FIRST SERIES WITH PERCY

heroes of Olympus and trials of Apollo do not have the same flavor as the original series and I know plenty of people will agree with me

and thats cause ol' ricky boy (might call him uncle rick ironically cause I have a big family so its in character of me to have beef with an uncle plus like.... cmon its for the bit, an homage to my cringey younger self, and to help me avoid stupid autocorrect on my phone, it works on so many levels, if u must, cringe away) lost the fucking heart of the original series

lost the whole point and charm of the 1st series

it started out as a fucking bed time story for his son for fucks sake!!!!!! so obviously it was going to be a story built on so much love you could feel it in every word he carefully knit together for his son to feel less alone in the world

and thats why I looked up to him for so many years!!!!

he inspired me to start writing!!! so that maybe some day I could also write stories that helped people feel less alone

because the best fucking stories are the ones with the most heart and genuine emotions you feel like you could be there

but uncle rick fucking lost it because i think after the massive success of his first series he saw it as a way to make money for his family instead of a way to lovingly craft something for the sake of it just existing

yet another thing capitalism has taken from us

I have yet to read his other work, as an adult, because percy jackson is such a comfort book for me and I've obsessively done so much research on it I remember him doing an interview once where he said his students found his other works and they were teasing him about the cuss words in the book because of course they were he taught middle schoolers and that is where he is stronger than I

but thats also another thing

since I haven't read his other works, I dont know if they're going to speak to me like percy jackson has, but probably not from the looks of his other series (ive read all of heroes of Olympus and some of trials of Apollo but thats just cause I adore nico)

but I can definitely say for sure without a shadow of a doubt

dude

uncle rick is NOT a screen writer

he SUCKS at it so bad

he definitely doesn't know how to build suspense in film or write around the obstacles that come with live acting

which is embarrassing man

ive been there

did a senior directed play in high school, wrote the script myself

and it sucked pretty bad

because I was a story teller not a script writer!!!! I didnt know what the fuck i was doing!!!!! whenever I wanted a new character I would just invent one out of thin air, what do you mean I had to have an actor for every new character I have?!?!?!?!

soooo grateful i tried that for the first time in high school cause its not that embarrassing when u suck at something as a teenager cause hey!!! ur learning new shit everyday!!

but this ties back into my point of this show reflecting the times

I will say, I prefer the movie of percy jackson over this weird show

and thats cause it had charm! zest! a screenwriter and people that knew how to make movies!

were at such a weird place in cinema

at least in the mainstream american/western media

I saw everything everywhere all at once last year and it blew my tits clean off

but thats because it was made by people who wanted to make art for arts sake!!!! for the love of creation!!!!!

thats why those movies are so successful now

cause there's really no formula to follow anymore so anything that seems original and made with love is so fucking insanely successful and big corporations can't fucking replicate that without taking chances and letting people tell honest earnest stories

which is why every Disney villain sucks now cause they have to also secretly maybe sometimes be a good person

oh no the circumstances they were given made them a villain

hmmm I wonder who helped with the capitalism of it all?? hmmmm such a mystery

I know we all miss when villains were just evil for fun and that was it

like Ursula, they didn't explain shit about her backstory she was just a woman in a cave that had a reputation and had a sick as hell design and that was all people needed to like her (shout out to divine) (also I don't remember much about the little mermaid I am basing this off of vibes)

where was i going with this.....

anyways the pjo TV show sucks

let Rick Riordan cook longer as a screen writer or let him be a co author of the script my god he sucks at this

get an expert screen writer in there asap phew!!!

today's adhd rant has been brought to you by:

this thing

[katzirra]

Aggressively rubs my face, complaining about anything in life feels so tedious compared to what's going on in the world. World events and disasters and genocides and just fucking everything make you feel so small and worthless. Like god damn I feel guilty for thinking how stressed I am because HAHAH COULD BE WORSE, BITCH. WHICH is kind of a weird thing the internet really uh, perpetuates. Which is kinda what people get at when they say take care of your mental health.

Like I'm staying as up to date as I can but it's... wow it's hard to stomach, and it's hard to know what to do when you're in a financial spot lmao... Fucking god damn. Like carrying on like normal is really hard because there's that thought in the back of my mind right now about how upsetting it is realizing so many people can't do that. Will never do that again. It's like tv static in my head lately low key saddening me more and more.

But yaknow that just sounds like I'm complaining about a world event, but it's not. It's just...a profound sadness. Saturating things. I find myself just kinda sitting lately unsure what to be doing that feels... productive in this time. Not really feeling, uh, creative or happy. I dunno. Low simmering fear as well tbh.

That wasn't the topic I was planning to post about uh... FRIVOLOUS UPDATES I GUESS... I USE TO DO THOSE, YEAH? IDK WHO CARES ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE THESE DAYS TBH LOL

Taking a break from Xig because I'm just ..out of it and need the expectations off me for a second.

Having anxiety even checking my art blog because people weirdly correcting me/giving me a compliment that's shorter than a correction and making me come off rude telling them I'm not wrong makes me anxious as hell :))) so I end up avoiding my own haunts!!! How fucky is that.

I am almost done with my small sketchbook?? I was fixing a few pages up before hitting a few dried out Copics, which lead to me checking all of them to see who I needed to fix/replace and uh... relocate them in my office. Which became redoing my pen pouches and seeing if those got fucked up. Hopefully I'll finish that and start scanning. 2018-2023... with huge gaps in there lol...

I miss doing art I liked. Its kinda stagnant atm so I might take the rest of the year to do studies on angles and shit tbh. I need something. It all feels same same.

Uhhh figuring out some dental stuff - bought myself a bougie electric toothbrush and I think my old one's timer was fucked up and making me brush too long?? Which is bad!!! So this new one already has my teeth feeling better 👏 mom's genetics have me terrified!! My teeth feel better after two brushes??? insane.

Getting bloodwork done Thursday so hopefully figuring some shit out about my weight and health :))) I'd like to lose the like 20-45lb I mysteriously seemed to gain over the past few years??? Uhhh??? And figure my periods out, money has just been BAD since Hannibal's surgery....

Having panic scares about if my job is going away in December or not and hating every job listing I see online so I gotta look for whatever listing sites exist outside indeed. Also something this decent with the same pay :)))))) so that's on my todo list... again.

Box spring is busted on my bed, so hopefully I don't have to replace the mattress just yet because of the previous point AND THE FACT I JUST STARTED GETTING TO SAVE FOR MY PC..... first world problems but fuck, dudes. Vakarian is fucking suffering sometimes... :(( but we'll see because MATTRESS PRICES.......!!!

I cleaned my office and room and that made me feel like I've accomplished something for myself so that's... something.

Trying to focus on things. Depression cocktail is going on..... money, job, housing, health, the world... it's all so much all the time, man.