#i guess im just not meant to find someone who genuinely loves me

[strawberriesforcait]

Thinking about when he loved me and we'd call for 5+ hours a day again

[artstatues]

save a dance for me? ➵ l.k × g.h

wc : 476

pairings : grayson hawthorne x lyra kane, from the grandest game.

synopsis : grayson and lyra have a little dance at the winter gala.

warnings : shitty quality

a/n : guess whos back!! back again!! i dont really like this that much but im glad i made an effort to write again. this is like, js shit poured into words. god knows who had to endure my whining @your-mommy-ems

taglist : @your-mommy-ems @midiosaamor @alwaysthefangirl @starrynightsxo @off-to-the-r4ces

@pockyyasii @shuhuaspookie @sophiesonlinediary @kozumesphone @reminiscentreader

@never-enough-novels

the hawthorne house was decorated in grand, festive decor for the upcoming gala, held by the one and only; avery kylie grambs.

as the sun began to set, the hawthorne house was slowly being flooded with guests, each one enamoured by the extravagant decor. a long list of attendees would be coming tonight, such as the participants of the grandest game, business partners, and big sponsors. everything had to go accordingly.

lyra made her way into the house, mouth agape, impressed by the decor. it was unsurprisingly hawthorne-like. soon enough, she entered the incredibly posh ballroom, and somehow, she had this reflex to scan the room for a particular person: grayson hawthorne.

and of course she found him, a smile plastered on his face with a flute of champagne in between his fingers, conversing with someone. that someone just happened to be a woman, and hell– lyra was jealous. she was jealous over someone that’s not even hers, pathetic, isn’t it?

as the night went on, lyra made sure to sneak a glance or two at him. speak- no, think of the devil, and he shall appear. grayson suddenly made his way to her, catching lyra by surprise.

“hello there, sweetheart.” he so kindly murmured, offering her one of his polite smiles.

“don’t call me sweetheart.” she replied, but some twisted part of her wanted him to call her just that.

“alright then. save a dance for me?” he smirked before disappearing into the large crowd.

lyra smiled, genuinely this time.

once the crowd began to fade, grayson made his way to find find lyra, who was nowhere to be found. he’d accepted the fact that she’d left.

meanwhile lyra was looking out at the garden of hawthorne house from one of the large windows in the ballroom. only once she turned around, her gaze met grayson’s over the fading attendees.

once the ballroom was empty enough with only faint music playing over the bluetooth speakers, gray finally picked up the courage to walk over to lyra.

“so, did you, sweetheart?” grayson smirked, standing close enough to her.

“did i what, asshole?” lyra scoffed while raising her eyebrows.

“save a dance for me, of course.” grayson responded, amusement in his tone.

“hm. what if i didn’t?” lyra questioned, a slight hint of tease in her voice.

“then i’d say you were lying.” grayson stepped closer towards lyra.

“dance with me?” grayson invited, reaching his hand out.

lyra took his hand, while grayson’s other hand found her waist, and slowly but surely, they were dancing to the faint music in the ballroom.

“you look stunning.” grayson smiled, but what he meant to say was ‘do you still hate me?’

“thank you.” a light blush coated lyra’s face. i’m slowly falling in love with you

and the pair danced away, unknowing of each other’s unspoken thoughts and words.

[darlingdaisyfarm]

You know I've been meaning to ask.. is everything okay? I mean your pfp is blank. I understand you're uploading, but I also want to make sure you're okay

idk if i have some mental connection with you, anon, because how else i can explain that you sent this ask right when i felt so bad??? but yeah i should really put a pfp, i just can’t choose the right pic and at same time im lazy….

honestly i promised myself i wouldn’t vent online and irl because i don’t wanna be annoying or be the kind of person people get tired of. but i guess i just feel emotional rn sorry again

well 2025 kinda kicked me in the face already LMAO, it already reminded me that some people will always pick someone else and some things are just not meant to be yours. i just got reminded once again that i’m super replaceable to person i really loved and cared about. so now im realising that i was just there to pass the time until they found smth better, someone better. and they did, they did and that’s just unfair for me, i literally loved this person for 10 years and that's how i ended up

not exactly the fresh start i was hoping for lol

been feeling like a ghost in my own life lately so i guess i made this blog to just be somewhere, to talk to people, to share things i love, to feel like i exist in some small way. to find friends? idk. sometimes i wonder if i’m just taking up space here, but deleting this blog feels dramatic so whatever. although i thought bout this a lot and still think about it, but i guess im just being... yeah, dramatic, i mean i am, ive been told. so, i don't know, deleting feels rude ? and i don’t wanna be rude, i hate being rude :( i still hesitate every time i post though. and i don’t want to be that person who craves reassurance but damn, it gets lonely and im embarrassed to even say that rn

+ last year drained me so much that i couldn’t even start anything for a whole month. its about my work, i just felt stuck, exhausted before i even tried. things are getting better now with my work, though. it’s actually tied to people and honestly, i love that?? i mean, i love people very much. in general. so whenever i meet someone kind or understanding in my work, it lifts my mood

but when it comes to writing or fics, i feel like i’m always fighting myself. actually i enjoy writing, ive been writing since… 14? 13? so i try, i push through, but nothing ever feels right lately. i don’t know if it’s just a phase or if this is how it’s always going to be. why i always feel like i could’ve done better or that maybe i shouldn’t have posted at all

anyways….. i don’t usually post stuff like this. i really don’t want to be like this, i hate sounding so negative, i really do. i promised myself i wouldn’t. i usually just keep things to myself, but you seemed like you genuinely cared, sweetheart and i figured i might as well be honest, i appreciate your worry! thank u sm angel! ♡

[fallingfor-fics]

Greed- Agatha Harkness x Reader

Im so excited for HOH!! here is a short angsty one inspired by a song, you get a virtual kiss if you guess it.

Warnings: none, angst

Word Count: 1k

Summary: You arent gonns stick around while Agatha fights Wanda.

“I don't think you are hearing what I am saying.” Agatha let out in a huff, shaking her head and looking away. You weren’t getting anywhere in this conversation and you were ready to just give up. 

“Fine. If you want to keep fucking with this town, and her be my guest but im getting the fuck out of here. I'm not going to sit and beg you any longer.” You scoffed and stood up from the couch, heading upstairs to collect your things.

“Y/n wait.” Agatha yelled after, following you up the stairs, but you didn't respond and just reached for your luggage. “I don't have a choice. I have to stop her.” she said with her voice slightly strained.

“But you aren't trying to stop her, Agatha!” You snapped, raising your voice slightly as you turned to look at her, “you are trying to take her power for yourself.” you shook your head and her brows furrowed as her upper lip twitched.

“What? I don't-'' she started but she quickly read your expression and sighed, “she wont know how to handle that power, but I do know how, i'm the only person that can do this.” You knew how powerful Agatha was, but you always believed you were somewhat equals, she was only a few hundred years older than you, but you had mastered your craft. 

You looked at her with displeasure and she sighed. “I didn't mean it like that Y/n.”

“I'm going. Find me if you make it out of this.” You sighed, turning to use a spell to finish your packing.

“Baby please just trust me.” Agatha came to stand closer, her hands resting on your waist, she turned you to face her, and she rested her forehead on yours. You closed your eyes and sighed, a knot forming in your throat. 

“I love you Agatha…but I have worked too hard and gone through too much shit, to die this way.” you stated and moved away from her to grab some other items. 

“God, Y/n I need you to fucking listen to me for once. It will be fine, no one will die, it won't change anything. I need you here by my side.” she begged and you could tell she was being genuine. However you knew she was wrong, things would be so different. 

“And I need you to learn to get over yourself” you let out softly but with a firm tone as you turned to look at her. She scoffed and crossed her arms, shaking her head as she looked at you, “You are obsessed with Wanda. You are upset that she was chosen to be the scarlet witch, and now you want the power for yourself. Because God forbid there be someone who is more powerful than you. Well news flash, there is a whole league of them nowadays. So quit trying to be someone you're not.” You finished, your face red and your lungs out of breath from your tangent. Agatha let out a cackle before stepping closer to you. 

“I could take out any one of those unitard-wearing, lab rat, mother fuckers, Y/n. Just like I can take out Wanda. Just like I could take out.. You.” she said with a harsh tone, her words started to come out fast and by the end of her response she had started to get more angry. Her words were fighting to get out as she clenched her fist and pointed a finger at you. Your jaw dropped slightly and you scoffed. 

“You know what Agatha, you better hope Wanda kills you. ‘Cause if you survive, and you let this power consume you, which we know you will, I will come and kill you myself just to prove you wrong.” You looked at her with cold eyes as the venomous words left your lips. You stepped back in realization of what you had said. Shock filled your veins but you were more alarmed by the fact you really meant what you had just said. Agatha just looked at you. You observed her face so hard, the face you had memorized, the face you had seen everyday for so many years. No matter how long you looked or how hard you searched for signs, you couldn't read her expression, you couldn't read her. 

After a few moments you felt your cheeks burn and a knot form in your throat. Agatha stood still, her eyes not leaving yours as she sat pondering, trying to decide what to do, what to say to convince you to stay. She didn't care that you had just said what you had said. She wasn't surprised by these reactions. What surprised her was the level of stubbornness you were showing. Agatha loved you for many reasons, but one of them was loving you for how much you loved her. She had you around her finger and she loved it because you loved it too. She loved being demanding and you loved obeying. People always wanted stuff from her and would never give back, but you, there wasn't anything you wouldn't do for her. 

Except this. 

“Y/n, Please. I need you to just try to understand, are you really going to throw our whole life away because I want something?” She stopped, getting closer to you and cupping your face, you instinctively relaxed your face into her hands. She pulled you in for a kiss and you didnt fight it. She kissed softly, her smooth lips moving against yours as you kissed back, unable to resist her. There was a soft and pure love in that kiss and when you realized you pulled away softly, looking down with a frown, her hands still on your cheeks. She shook her head with a laugh. 

“I mean everyone has something they want, baby.” she quipped as her voice grew louder. You felt tears finally fill your eyes and you let out a shaky sigh, looking at her with sad eyes as you backed away from her grasp. 

Choking through your dry throat you spoke softly as you looked at her with love and pity. “I just wanted you, Agatha.” Yousaid simply and turned to head downstairs, collecting your things and loading them into your car. You left before she could say another word, and watched your rearview as you drove away, waiting to see her but all you saw was the empty road.

--

slay that was fun to write

someone should take this idea and make a full fic for it and credit and tag me bc this plot would destroy me

[notnights]

Is Creep by Radiohead more Jax coded or Gangle coded?

Hey this gives me the opportunity to mention "Creep by Radiohead" was a very shortly lived tumblr meme a few years back, and I genuinely don't think a lot of people knew that judging by the reactions people had to this picture,

and by the fact that because of the reactions I saw to this picture, I went to go find evidence this was once a meme (and possibly what Gooseworx was making a funny about here maybe??) only to find out it was such a niche meme there is no "knowyourmeme" page about it or even people talking about this specific meme outside of tumblr.

And I feel insane because I can't find any proof, but I KNOW it happened, it would be stuff like "person makes playlist for their fav supervillain, and it's just creep by radiohead" and the [supervillain playlist] is replaced with almost anything else and then "but it's just creep by radiohead" or "and it's creep by radio head"

Kind of the same as people who meme on "Dollhouse" by Melanie Martinez because so many teenage girls will describe the song as their family because just like Creep by Radiohead, there's enough relatability to it even if the stories don't line up exactly with one's life. Teenage boy relates to Creep by Radiohead, Joker relates to Creep by Radiohead, real! memed on!

Which, back to the Jax picture, I had originally ASSUMED this was the joke of this piece. That Jax's life from our perspective, at the moment, is nothing like Creep by Radiohead, or is it? Because again, there's that vague enough relatability for any fan to listen to this song and take SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ABOUT JAX from it. Half of this song is about loving someone else, or about not fitting in, or about not having control, and people dove in, what parts relate to Jax, etc etc.

A meta joke, about oh Jax is finding this song relatable that's funny on it's own, fans seeing this photo and song will start guessing about stuff it means for Jax, even though the reality is, Creep by Radiohead has such a wide reach. Even if it meant anything specifically for Jax, there would be so many guesses as to what that might specifically be, no one would know right. This is on par with other funny tweets Goose has made before in relation to keeping fans guessing: "when you see fanart of something close to canon---it was fast food uniforms" <- her first tweet, NO one was going to guess right, it's vague enough to make people think and go crazy but not confirm anything, the follow up tweet, showing it was never serious at all, relevant but nothing no one needed to think too hard on. It was months until we got the punchline but god that was funny. Saying this song ALSO relates to Gangle shows further the vague wide relatability of it, everyone gets something out of this song one way or another, for themselves, for a character, whatever. More over this is part of my ribbunny playlist long before this image of Jax was posted. And you're probably at this point being like, NIGHTS WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT!!!

AND I'M SHAKING YALL AND SAYING I SWEAR THIS IMAGE OF JAX IS SUPPOSE TO BE BASED OFF A NICHE TUMBLR MEME AND I FEEL LIKE IM INSANE BECAUSE IM THE ONLY ONE WHO REMEMBERS IT!!! OR MAYBE I AM JUST INSANE!!!

[slowd1ving]

I just finished reading the new fic, and it was amazing !!! I dont know why, but i got hung up the most on Jiaoqiu. Like, he sounds so mellow and like he's in genuine love, but I dont know if it's just the effects the incubi has on him. (When he says the smell of burnt caramel got stronger, it's because of the transformation the protag had, right?)

So funny to see the cryptologist and the kafka mention. I love how you portray Kafka in your fics. she's always stirring up jealousy in the love interests.

I truly do wonder if Sunday will be forgiven for laying with a demon. I mean, if he can say he was doing 'salvation' he could get away with it. In the game, his npc model has what appears to be dark indigo wings, which implies he is not as pure as he appears to be, so I imagined his wings that colour. Im guessing his mission was subduing the protag, which he literally did haha.

And moze was such a sweetheart!! When he said he wouldn't care about being sent to hell as long as his fate is forever intertwined with yours, it is so cute. Im thinking he was also lying to himself about how he was following the protag due to his suspicions but was actually just obsessed. Him staying up late to see the protag come back home, was it similar to the cryptologist au? Where he was jealous they wouldnt approach him, or was it part of his stalking?. Also, when he felt fear but it was overridden by lust that made him get closer without thinking it could end his life ❤️.

Also cant imagine how their life will be after this encounter (im glad for Mr. Hopkins that they were able to film a good mockumentary and didn't just submit that !!). Im a Moze fan, so him being the roommate makes me think his life just got better (and that his photo taking hobby just got started).

I loved it, amazing halloween fic.

-swan anon 🦢

first let me just say DAMN I appreciate your dedication to delivering thorough analyses and eating them up every darn time

second I am locked in with a very tall cup of coffee I am ready

no same I was secretly rooting for jiaoqiu too; like originally he wasn't going to be part of it because then I'd have to plan more with an established character. reader was just gonna be someone who sleeps around 😭he was supposed to have one scene too but ended up with four.. honestly I was also going to write him as like a yokai in my initial plans so he's somewhat immune to whatever reader has got going on (which honestly isn't much it's just enhanced allure or whatever)?? I thought it'd be pretty funny to have a character who officially knows about reader and just like... helps them out like an emergency snack or whatever. but yeah he's definitely infatuated - jiaoqiu for LIFEEE

(and yes you are correct the stronger scent did indeed indicate the successful transformation)

you know, I lowkey forgot about the cryptology-moze series and the reference was just my subconscious picking it out☠️also I don't know if I officially stated reader's major (I don't really know myself) but it's hilarious to me to picture some demon just figuring out maths and working in it

did not register the kafka mention until I got to the end whoops

she wasn't even meant to be in this 😭like it was just supposed to be some faceless avatar of lust but then i was like hmm... we've got someone who literally puppets others as part of her mechanics like ??

kafka>>

she's so fun to use as a plot device cuz she just catalyses everything

Sunday will NOT be forgiven 🗣️🗣️that particular line I wrote where angels can lie to themselves is alluding to him convincing himself he isn't doing anything wrong; I was actually going to originally expand on him 'falling' from Harmony or whatever because of his allegiance to the Order - so he was doomed either way to be corrupted. his mission did include subduing the protag but was more a general order to keep order within the human realm which did include finding out demons - so not necessarily reader but he did sus them out pretty much from the start. however he was not supposed to sleep with a demon at all 😭like that line about keeping reader by him to prevent him from getting with other humans is just his bs justification to convince himself that he's still on the right path - but alas, his tenets have been fundamentally crumbling anyway due to his subversion to the harmony. I thought it was funny as fuck having a doomed angel for halloween

there's just something about fallen angel sunday, fits in with his lore too

but yeah themes of denial are heavy in this man, like he's convinced himself that he's on the right path but he's really not he's just entranced by the protag 😭

hmm

yup i had so much fun writing moze he's so cute. he is the prime human Sunday should be worried about but instead he's just competing with him

oh yes 100% lying I love writing unreliable narrators

YES similar to the cryptologist au it was his way of gaining information on you but also sorta looking out for the protag (and jealousy); also lowkey the bit about fear getting overridden was so funny to write about because he's just walked in on a literal angel and demon and just keeps marching forward like 😭😭

that triangle formation remains 100%

like mr hopkins just thinks "oh wow my students are completely dedicated to warding off demon energy thus are in perfect formation for doing so" or whatever ☠️

but reader now essentially has three emergency snacks and sunday's path to salvation is not looking very good tbh

also yeah that mockumentary saved their asses because I physically could not write them only having one film on that camera

that camera will have to get SCOURED before they return it, but Moze's already got it safely transferred to his heavily fortified laptop and Sunday's just keeping the really old one 😭

there's just something about the moze roommate brainrot... he's definitely gloating over it and sunday's just feeling his blood pressure rise for the first time since gaining a corporeal body (and moze's DEFINITELY getting several high-quality cameras because wdym he's just been rewatching the tapes instead of sleeping..)

anyways I got home with around five hours left before midnight and I started finishing off the final scenes at like 10 I was so stressed bro trying to make it and upload it halloween ended

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR LONG ANALYSIS SWAN ANON IT WAS VERILY APPRECIATED

[oceanwithouthermoon]

Talking about Saiki and SA here a bit, btw, just a warning~

Thinking about how you said Saiki was a victim of SA and you’re literally so right. I feel like people sometimes just blow right past the fact that Kusuke is like that with his brother, but I think it can add a lot to interpretations of his character. But even if it only goes as far as what is shown in canon — which I almost doubt — it still remains the fact that Kusuke is doing all of that knowing fully well that his brother can hear him. It’s literally sexual harassment.

People point it out more often with Teruhashi and her brother (back to the reasons you said, people think it’s more serious if it happens to women). But the things he does, that’s all sexual harassment. And yet when Kusuke does similar things, it’s often brushed aside. Just,,, a bit crazy to me.

(And that’s not even mentioning when people completely disregard this part of Teruhashi’s story and act like she’s one-dimensional,,, but that’s another story)

But all this to say you’re literally so right. Anyways love you mwah =^•w•^=

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I NEEDD PEOPLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS MORE.

(heed the sa warning + abuse and incest warning before opening, i talk a LOT here.. im mostly just reiterating what happens directly in the manga though.. ALSO EXTREMELY LONG POST WARNING..)

I always viewed kokomi and makoto + kusuo and kusuke as like.. paralleling each other ? not sure if thats the right word, but IMMEDIATELY when i saw both of these dynamics i made the connection.. i guess since it was so clear to me, i assumed that it was so obvious and on purpose that everyone else knew too, but so many people just.. ignore it..

i think most people that read/watch saiki k have recognized the fact that most main characters are meant to parallel or relate to saiki in at least some way, (if anyone who doesnt know what im talking about is reading this, im sure at least someone on here has done a better breakdown on that, i just.. dont know where to find that..) but this particular connection is one i dont see often and i genuinely believe that its almost entirely because of the whole "sexual assault/harassment isnt as serious when it happens to men as when it happens to women" thing.. most of the fandom acknowledge that what makoto does is awful and kokomi is a victim, so why is it different when its kusuke and kusuo ??

its EXACTLY the same.. what we see on screen with the saikis is WORSE, actually.. and what WE see from these two relationships isnt the full extent of what the two victims experience off screen, and i strongly believe that its heavily implied that both kokomi and kusuo have been through much worse with their brothers than whats shown..

we have no idea what kusuke couldve done BEFORE moving away and creating the telepathy canceler (and dont say that he couldnt have done anything cuz they were kids, cocsa [child on child sa] is still a thing and still valid, ESPECIALLY since they were both kid geniuses and kusuke definitely KNEW better.. but yea, kusuo implies that hes been like that for a long time, way before we ever saw them, sooo..) and its highly likely that whatever happened that we didnt see, before or after the move, was WORSE than what he does ON screen (i honestly dont want to think about what a guy with an incestual obsession with his brother does with cameras everywhere in his brothers home..) and what we see him do is already insane..

literally using his brother to get off, manipulating him and forcing him to play the games that give him sexual pleasure.. actually, speaking of, ive seen some people say that what kusuke does isnt really incest because the only reason he uses kusuo is because hes a masochist and kusuo is the only person that can overpower him.. this is a total misfire LOL, his upbringing alongside kusuo and his relationship with him is the REASON that hes a masochist, the ENTIRE REASON why thats what he gets off to.. its not just CONVENIENT that kusuo is there to get him off, he SPECIFICALLY seeks kusuo out and forces him to do things that give him sexual pleasure.. he believes that kusuo is the only person in the world that can ever give him sexual pleasure, what about that doesnt sound incestuous?

and one of the worst parts of it is, kusuo BARELY acknowledges how weird it is.. in fact, he's COMPLACENT in a lot of the games, obedient even, being bribed into them the same way he does with simple things like bringing kuniharu to work.. this is the biggest reason why i believe the off-screen stuff is probably worse, because kusuo is obviously conditioned to think that letting your brother get off to you is just.. fine.. we hardly see him try to get away from this situation beyond simply calling him gross.. theres one moment during the cat tank situation where kusuke tries to get him to grab the limiter off of his crotch specifically so that he can see him in that position and kusuo looks terrified and cant do it, BUT its unclear whether the expression of fear was entirely his concentration because he didnt wanna break the limiter or because he didnt want to let his brother get off to that, and i think its mostly the former ? idk, i dont remember this part that well but im preeeetty sure..

he does acknowledge that MAKOTOS behavior is bad when he sees it, but he never thinks its a big enough deal that he needs to help her or anything, (except for maybe the okinawa situation) which i know is probably just for the sake of not letting the gag manga get too serious, BUT it can also be explained pretty easily by this whole thing.. the way kokomi is treated is literally the same way kusuo lives his life, even down to their incestuous brother being possessive to the point of berating their potential love interests.. (which in this case happened to be each other, kusuo and kokomi..)

so yeah, kusuo just. doesnt really know how bad it actually is ? or maybe he does, but doesnt acknowledge it because he doesnt WANT to.. him barely acknowledging it and being complacent is part of why some people dont really get that its sa and incest, but his complacency obviously plays a big part in how its effected him too, like thats purposeful.. like i said, hes been CONDITIONED not to acknowledge it..

to me, it looks like a classic situation in which kusuo doesn't acknowledge his trauma because he knows that if he did, it would change his outlook on his life, his family, and his childhood FOREVER. he would never be willing to tell anyone or ask for help on his own accord, and accepting that there was anything wrong in the first place means, to him, dealing with that issue by himself for the rest of his life.

why would he ever admit that anything was wrong if nothing would change either way? the only thing that WOULD change is HIM, and why would he want that? isnt it better to be blissfully unaware than to knowingly suffer in silence?

plus, he genuinely does love his brother and knows in the back of his mind that kusukes feelings toward him comes from their unhealthy upbringing and relationship and its more complex than just "hes an evil guy blah blah.." because he isnt really evil and kusuo KNOWS that.. actually, he might be the only person in the world who COULD understand..

so yeahhhh.. kokomi and kusuo are both CANONICALLY victims of sexual harassment.. (and incestual abuse at that..) and, by my interpretation, implied victims of sa as well !! (im not really sure where the line can be when it comes to this sometimes, like when your brother sniffs your bedsheets and rubs himself on them or gets off to you right in front of your face or tries to get you to grab something positioned over his crotch so he can see you in.. THAT position.. but i already said that its pretty likely that both brothers have gone farther than that off-screen..)

anywayyyy.. this is so important to me and i wish people would talk and write about it more instead of pretending it never happened and mischaracterizing every one of these characters, especially for the sake of a ship like i was talking about in my other post.. it sucks that people so often just cast kusuos canon issues aside..

[genderqueerdykes]

opinion on twinks ? i feel like they are ONLY used to joke abt and then throw under the bus and it makes me extremely upset as someone who identifies as one . i feel like im the only one who cares

opinion on twinks: wonderful, radiant, a gift to our society, desired, loved, needed, appreciated

i agree with you, actually- i used to be friends with some transfeminine people who genuinely thought it was funny to say they were "twinkphobic" and meant it- they genuinely would go on and on about how they hated twinks because i guess? people would confuse them for twinks, which is not the twinks' faults, but rather transmisogynistic society's fault. i don't get the hatred, i really don't, and even as a bear i felt so uncomfortable around these women when they'd go on these rants, as a gay man. i'm transfeminine, but the gay community is my community, and i'm not okay with people throwing any gays under the bus, for any reason.

there's nothing wrong with being a thin effeminate queer person, people really just love to show they asses especially when it comes to straight up being homophobic. people will love to clamor and say they love gay men but then instantly throw twinks under the bus and then go on to say that bears are gross and hunks aren't gay. people love to be homophobic and pretend like they arent; like gays can't win, even among other queers, people find ways to bully and mock us, make us feel bad for expressing ourselves and berate gays for how they choose to dress, look and act. it's not cute, it's not funny, it's literal homophobia.

also every person who gives thin and/or pre-T transmascs & trans men shit for being twinks deserves to get smacked at least 150 times. if you are claiming that you dislike twinks because of transmascs, i need you to think long and hard about why the hell you're so transandrophobic and how you can afford to take a long walk far, far away from queer spaces until you sort that shit out. there are just as many if not more cis twinks than transmasc twinks, knock that shit right the hell off, also don't call trans men twinks in order to emasculate them, because it's not even an insult in the first place.

most thin people don't choose to be thin, why the hell are we body shaming people? even if someone is choosing to be thin, oh well? that's how they want their body to look? they may also be struggling with an ED, which deserves compassion? or maybe feel guilty about their body in a fatphobic society, which also deservse compassion? oh you hate men/mascs/people who meticulously groom and care about their presentation? that's literally what cishet men rag on gays for. can we talk about this?

i've heard some people say they hate twinks because twinks are the "socially acceptable gays"- that's not even true, what the hell does that even mean? cishet society still hates twinks, just because occasionally an effeminate skinny white cis gay man becomes successful doesn't mean that twinks are accepted by cishet society- they're not. it's not okay to bully and abuse twinks just because they have a marginally smaller chance of being hate crimed

so basically what i'm saying is this shit makes me angry and i'm with you, i care, and i don't think it's funny to throw any type of queer under the bus, it's literally just punching down on other queers and it's not helping. great to know some people still have internalized queerphobias and have zero intention of getting past them, but that's not where i'm at. i'm not here for creating hostile and violent spaces

[sanajeh1909]

Professionally Yours Personally Mine

Pairing : Chamber x F!Reader

Word Count : 2404

Warnings : Rivalry themes (enemies to lovers without being lovers part i guess?), romantic tension

POV : 3rd Person (More like Chamber's POV but i tried to give both sides inner thoughts etc.)

A/N : Sorry for my poor English, its not my native language. Chamber can be a bit OOC. Gif doesnt belong to me. Please do tell if there is any mistakes or off talks/writings on the scenario. I wrote less for Y/N to not restrict your actions and focusing on Chamber for you to imagine with detailed descriptions. Whoever taught me OneLook page, i love you. Yellow is for Chamber, Pink is for Reader. I hope you enjoy it. If you like this i might write part two or something.

Been long time, huh...

Chamber stopped mid-speech, his eyes narrowing onto the source of the sound. A woman stood across from him who he'd recognized as Y/N, one of his former colleagues from Kingdom Industries… one of his biggest obstacles.

He stood there, arms folded, waiting for the woman to speak. She was just as beautiful as he remembered her.

With crossed arms over her chest, she approaches and speaks. Her tone is dripped in confidence. I didn't expect you to join Valorant Protocol.

He raised an eyebrow, the hint of irritation in his voice. Of course, she couldn't just let that one little flaw go without bringing it up.

You know… this new agency has been a welcome change. I appreciate their appreciation of aesthetics, unlike that… corporation you still work for.

She smirks and stands in front of him. Confident and sharp as always. Who said im working for them? And what do you think am i doing in the middle of the VALORANT PROTOCOL? Surely they don't let in anyone here.

Chamber's eyes widened with surprise. He could not believe these words were coming out of her mouth, let alone that SHE, of all people, knew more than him - someone who actively works for the organization. He couldn't contain his shock. His mind was reeling. His mouth ran on autopilot, trying to find the correct words to say, when he finally found the right one… he spoke.

… pardon?

She chuckles with amusement. Its my duty to give you a warm welcome, no? Taking a deep breath, she raises her chin up slightly with a small smirk on her lips. Welcome to the VALORANT PROTOCOL.

He tried to remain indifferent to the situation. Of course, he knew the woman across from him was capable of doing… well, anything… but to think she had joined the Protocol made no sense. How?

He searched for a response.

"W-wait a minute. Why are you here?"

Im working here. Pouting her lips with sarcastic manner yet the smirk playing on the corner of her lips were giving away that she wasn't pouting out of annoyance, instead she is toying with him.

"Working…"

That wasn't the response he was looking for or expecting. Was she teasing him? Was she just… here now? Or was she actually here to work… he couldn't be sure. He was trying to avoid it but his curiosity was creeping in.

Doing what?

Saving the world. Serious yet sarcastic tone and that damned playful pout on her lips… He rolled his eyes. She couldn't be that facetious, right? This was Y/N. Her sarcasm and teasing was a known trait.

But that last statement, he couldn't tell if it was sarcasm or not. Was she genuinely saving the world or had she just… decided to join and he's just now hearing about it?

Saving the world, right. Like that's why you're here.

A small click sound of her tongue and she walks away, anooyed by his nonserious reply. Guess whose rivalry is going even after working in Kingdom...

Chamber was in disbelief. Her quitting? Her being here? She just up and quit? Why??

He followed her, of course. He grabbed her arm and stopped before she could go far. His curiosity was too much to handle and he had to know what she meant.

You quit? You're working here full time now? You, of all people, would join VALORANT just like that?

Oh, why not? You know me better than other people that i would do such thing. She narrows her eyes as if spitting venom, but then smiles with a smirk, a confident and cocky one.

Chamber's mouth twitched. Damn it. She got him. She really did.

The idea was crazy to begin with. Was this what she did after she quit Kingdom? Why didn't he find out sooner? Hell, why wasn't he just the one to recruit her to VALORANT?

So… you're not teasing? You really are working here? Why?

You should know it already.

His mouth slightly opened at her response. Did she really just tell him to figure it themselves? The level of sass… he was trying his hardest not to show how cute she looked when she got snippy… he failed.

That's vague…

He was still trying to figure out why she joined. Had she really joined or was she just here to be a nuisance? He decided to play a game.

Does the Protocol have better insurance benefits than Kingdom, or something? Is that why?

She lets out an amused chuckle. Is that why you quit Kingdom Industries? She turns the question back at him without answering.

His eyes widened with feigned surprise. Damn it. Damn it. Damn her. She was good. She was doing a damn good job of annoying him. She didn't answer the question. This woman could never give a straight answer when it mattered... She had him there. Damn it.

He stayed silent for a moment, processing everything she had said. This game… this game was going back and forth… and for each and every one of his moves, she would retort. He might as well have played checkers against himself. He needed to change the game.

No, I left because of the creative restraints they placed on me. They couldn't handle how good I was at designing.

Is that the only reason why you quit? I think there is more than that. Her voice tone slightly dropping and her voice is like a velvet, as if trying to seduce him to talk more.

Damn it! She was good. But… she had a… was she trying to get him to reveal more… personal details? What the hell was going on…

That voice… that seductive tone… it was the same one she used for every office romance she found herself in. Her eyes never left his. That stare could penetrate skin, flesh, bone… right down to his soul. He couldn't think of anything else but her. Every single thought in his head… it was just her. Just her. Just her.

He shook his head. No, it is not the only reason. Is this an interrogation? Do I have to share something more personal? Is me not wanting to work for a company who only wants my talents and not also my creativity… is that not enough?

Oh, im simply curious. She says with half seriousness and half playfulness. I know you for almost a decade… Its just your reason… She thinks her words with a small pause, slightly pouting as if preparing herself for the amusement she would feel after seeing his reaction …doesnt tick with your personality.

…what… does that mean?

Oh you know what i mean. Her pout slowly turns into a small smirk.

Goddamn her. She knew exactly what she was doing. He was almost sure of it. That smirk, that little confident smile. She didn't even need to play mind games; she could flirt the information she wanted out of him with nothing but a smirk.

He was annoyed. At himself and the situation. And especially at her.

…stop.

She gets close and stare deep in his eyes. Her eyes slightly widens, as if a snake approaching its prey. She speaks in low, slow, seductive yet dangerous, obviously taunting tone. …Are you being seduced?

Her presence was suddenly filling his personal space. Her tone had dropped to dangerously provocative. She was doing it on purpose. She was pushing the limits between playful banter, rivalry, and something deeper… He felt his heart rate increase. Her eyes and her proximity were making him agitated but… they were also having a different affect now.

His eyes widened as the distance began closing. Was this flirting?Was this… that feeling where he didn't know what he should say or even react? Oh… this was… this was new.

…is that what you're attempting?

She pouts for a brief moment as if disagreeing with her own words. I might be.

He gulped. Her pout had thrown him off. He was lost for words. So lost he nearly said something stupid. How was she this good at this? Was it practice? Was she just… naturally… like… this?

His blood boiled with a mix of passion and annoyance.

This was too much. She knew exactly what her words meant. She knew what she had done. She knew she was in control. And now she was taunting him for his lack of response.

He couldn't handle this woman. She was too smart, too cunning. She was playing at his emotions and he couldn't handle it. She was going to win if he didn't retaliate. He had to find some way to pull her off balance. He'd been the victor too many times, and he was tired of her getting the best of him. She had a power over him that he couldn't figure out how to control. It was like a spell.

Why are you acting like this? Stop. Teasing…

What if i dont? She raises an eyebrow as if provocating him to go further so she can make her own blow. Looking deeply in his eyes, her eyes are slightly widened with sadistic intentions.

For a few moments, he was lost in her aura. Her eyes were like two black holes, sucking him in and holding him there. Her look was almost inviting him to come closer to her. He could almost see her smiling a devilish smile, her lips inching closer to his ear until… he snapped out of it.

He wasn't about to be drawn into her trap. Not this time.

Your game's getting predictable, Y/N.

And you are falling for it.

He scoffed.

Falling? Falling?! You are a few steps behind me, my dear. Don't underestimate me. I'm not the fool you used to have the upper hand to. I have learned. I know how you operate now. I know all your tricks. Every single one.

Her lips curls into a smile, a creepy one. Something is hidden behind it, plotting something behind it. Constricted pupils of hers are staring into his amber ones. Her tone drops, speaking in quiet, soft tone yet dangerous, velvet-like... Why dont you behave like you know them, then?

They weren't just playing anymore. Things were getting real now, and the question now was how far would she go? Would she kiss him? Or would she try to kill him? He had absolutely no idea.

His eyes met hers, his lips curling into a smirk as he replied, his voice getting an extra bit of confidence and bravado.

I believe this game you're trying to play won't work if I call out all of your next moves. You and I both know how this works, yes? Let me guess… you're going to try and make a move to get a closer look at my eyes, or, say something that's provocative and get me to get defensive. You could even try to get within arms reach of me and lean in to whisper something seductive in my ear to try and throw me off. Right?

Hmm, maybe. She pouts slightly with a smile.

He chuckled. She was just too damn cunning. His smirk grew into a smile, his body language more relaxed.

Or you could go for my mouth right away, too. We both know you want to.

Oh thats not what i was asking for. But i might. Half joking, half serious with a damned smile mixed with a smirk and narrowed eyes... Her voice tone dropped low and heavy.

His eyebrow once again raised. He was caught off guard by her candor and bluntness. Had she gotten more confident or just… cocky? He was beginning to think it was the latter. His smirk grew larger as he responded with some confidence of his own and arrogance, but not enough that it seemed fake.

We both know you'd never…

We will see.

Again, he snickered and couldn't help but smile. There were sparks flying between them that even the most oblivious person could feel. The banter was flying in, the playful teasing back and forth. What exactly was this? Why was this flirting so exciting? Why him and her when she was such a rival to him. It was weird.

His eyes met her eyes, both staring into each others with such intensity. Their faces were close now, only about four inches away. Her mouth began moving towards his.

Only about an inch of space between them she stops, and she whispers but her tone isnt soft. The corner of her lips curled into a devilish smile You will be my pawn.

His breath was caught in his throat as she spoke for his ears to hear. Her lips were close to his, her eyes narrowed, her smile diabolical. His muscles tensed under the intensity of her aura.

Her tone was not simply playful and teasing but also… dominant. Aggressive. Almost predatorial. She wanted to win everything between them. He hadn't anticipated her whisper to be so… provocative. Why did his heart not even feel as if he was in control anymore? It was beating of its own accord. It was almost like… she was controlling it herself.

She pulls herself back and a laugh escapes her throat with a smile. She takes several steps back in amusement as if she won the little banter they had between them. Then she turns on her heels and walk away. The victory is written on her walk, as if a Queen killed half of the prisoners. She laughs loudly and her voice echoes on the corridor as she disappears from his sight.

He could do nothing but watch. She had won yet again. He was outmaneuvered. She had taken the last laugh. He'd seen his worst fears realized as she'd taken the upper hand. She knew how he felt about her, she knew the impact she had on him, and she used it to her full advantage.

Was she truly… that manipulative and cunning? Was there a weakness to it? Maybe not a weakness, but would she let herself get caught in her own game like he just did? He didn't know, but this only intrigued him more.

What just happened? If it were anyone else he wouldn't think twice, but he and Y/N were rivals. They were supposed to hate each other. Instead, they were flirting, they were seducing each other.

Was there something genuine here? It was impossible. She was his number one rival…

[eldritch-spouse]

im taking the 50/50 gamble asking this cause yolo i guess (its ok i can wait centuries for my ask to be answered anyways.)

so uh— what if darling is insistent on leaving vesper, like— REALLY insistent. bringing it up casually saying “It’s going to turn me on even more when i leave you and go back to earth,” or “So where’s the going back home ritual?”

and this is kinda because darling doesn’t feel deserving of vesper. sure, she loves him— but like that one post, she just can’t stand seeing vesper having sex with others while she’s just a human who can’t take him. (forever a virgin) and also cause darling sees sex as a romantic while vesper sees it as….idk the word but you get it.

(maybes it even worse when darling has to dissociate and leave the room everytime she caught vesper with someone else. and she will get extremely depressed for days on end everytime she hears the moans and all— putting her in a constant cycle. sorry im projecting my bpd on darling.)

and i saw the post of vesper explaining it too, and while darling understands, she’s still sad regardless, and extremely hurt if vesper calls her cruel when she also tries to explain.

so darling went quiet, nods and casually walked away. and that’s when all the comments about wanting to go home started.

then weeks passed and no one ever saw darling ever again. because darling sees there’s no point to be with vesper anymore even if she loves him, but now she’s mostly inside her separate room 24/7 bedrotting (aka back to her old lifestyle before being taken into Hell.)

or you know, just gets up and leaves Hell altogether. find some way to remove the mark, asked a couple of concerned imps for the way home, or call upon an angel on the icon of hell phone to take them back to earth. and darling SUCCEEDED in returning home.

i know vesper um…is vespering but maybe this is a rare, once in a lifetime moment where vesper snaps, goes feral, actually blue balling himself for so long until he finds darling again on earth. and during that time hell is in constant chaos idk im just blabbering and rambling at this point.

but yeah, ending can be vesper finding darling again and turning her to a succubus, or darling just lives her life peacefully while hell is going down from the domino effect.

(and um, i too feel bad because i know and read your posts about vesper and he’s unfortunately my fav. it might seem strange genuinely disliking my fav but i too just wanted to try and forget about vesper after this.)

(um, if ur planning to write, please don’t get darling cucked in the ending. again, i know this is vesper we’re talking about. u can ignore and delete this ask if u don’t like me requesting darling doesn’t get cucked for the ending.)

(anyways, take ur time getting to my ask. i can wait a long while to the point i might forget sending this ask.)

I'm not going to write anything, you made a scenario on your own, the skeleton for the entire story is already there.

Though this does seem a bit weird. Are you actually genuinely upset with the character? I'm not going to upset you further by telling you how realistic or unrealistic some of his actions here are.

I don't even quite understand what you meant with reader getting cucked. Cucking doesn't really exist in Lust because having sex with others is simply natural and expected and partners don't see it as a betrayal, it'd just be another culture barrier in the relationship. Out of many other culture barriers that you have to adapt to whether you like it or not. You would continue to get "cucked", because the King of Lust cannot subsist on you alone, and he's not about to weaken himself because you find him having sex with others repulsive.

If you are genuinely upset with all this, for some reason, consider finding a character that won't cause that effect in you. I didn't really make any of this with the intent of causing people to get depressed.

[captainnait]

Go ahead, infodump about Bob from Headrush. No one is stopping you

3:11 pm, 5/20/2024

You will not believe how big of a smile I got when I first saw this ask 😭😭 Like I'm genuinely so happy to talk about him, thank you,,,

Anyway, you don't need to ask me twice 💥

(Yeah, a lot of rambling under the cut, hehe)

— One of my favorite canon facts about Bob is that he REALLY hates emoticons. He mentions it two times: one time in a question, where he refuses to read out loud the category name, that is just an emoticon, and instead just calls it "that. . . thing" or smth, and the other time is in the "Don't be afraid to express your emoticons" Headrush category, where he just straight up tells players to be cautious of people who use emoticons 😭

Either he had a terrible experience with someone who used emoticons. . . Or his old man brain just doesn't understand them. Or both idk.

— I don't know if it's just an Andy Poland thing or not (it's probably is, but still—), but I just really like the way he can change up his voices so quickly. My man can literally go from "uwu im so silly" type of voice to LITERALLY the most brutal and manliest voice imaginable in just a span of a few seconds, and I think that's INCREDIBLE.

If we talk about Bob specifically though, I really like how silly his voice sounds at the end of the round, when he says "bye-bye" or other similar to that lines. It just makes me giggle, okay,,

— I don't remember the full context behind this image and the question it is from, but. Yeah. Huh.

[For some reason Tumblr just doesn't let me put this image in, but it just a screenshot of the game with red words written on the screen, saying "Bob has a "thing" for Barney"]

It's also pretty funny, since a few rounds later I got another Barney question ("Even Purple Dinosaurs Have to Die... Someday"), and Bob didn't sound really amused by it lol

— There are a lot of lines in the game, where Bob jokes/admits that he feels pretty lonely and/or isolated, which is very interesting, considering that he doesn't seem as a very introverted person or someone who doesn't go outside much.

I don't have any specific speculations on why he is like that, but I think (headcanon, I guess) that it's something that he grow up feeling like and, perhaps, still haven't grown out of it.

— In "None of the Smoke & All of the Cancer", Bob says that he finds smoking to be "sexy". It isn't very clear whether if he meant it as a joke or not, so. Eh.

— A lot of people said it way before me, but. . . This man has major dog vibes. Like, I can't pin down specific things that make me think like that. It's— It's just the overall vibe I get from him lol

— I'm pretty sure I've seen someone already make a post about it (I'm not sure though), buuuut it's pretty fascinating to me how little sexual interest Bob shows in women (compare to other hosts in the series, at least) and how little he cares for "mushy" stuff in general, valuing friendship/platonic bonds a lot more.

This probably could stem from what type of game Headrush is, since it's aimed for a younger audience - teens, who probably don't really care about love in that young age. But yeah, just an interesting thing to thinking about while in a shower.

— His relationship with Old Man is pretty weird, because he both shows extreme violence and, yet, somehow, some type of respect towards him? Like, there are moments were he shouts, yells and doesn't mind kicking Old Man for his annoying shenanigans, maybe even having a way easier time with it than other hosts. But then there are a few rare moments, where he actually doesn't mind Old Man at all and would even listen to his stories with a genuine interest.

Of course it's not something completely new to the series, but it is also makes me fairly curious, since I feel like this is the game where we get to see a lot of Old Man's personality and how he influences those around him (in the case of this game (99% of it) - Bob lol)

. . . That's it, ig. For now, i feel satisfied)

I also would really like ranting about Milan and his weirdly homoerotic relationship with Bob, buuut I need to get all the TTwM clips first, so. Yeah. That'll have to wait 💥

[weenhands]

Assumption : you have a hard time developing romantic feelings for others because of self restraint otherwise crushes develop into infatuation/obsession (meant in the kindest way possible) ily <3

😭😭😭 omg…. this is pretty much true but i need to explain it more deeper. there were three times in my life where i felt true deep romantic feelings for someone and all of them consisted of some sort of self restraint on my end, while the other person was extremely open. one of them developed into a romantic relationship but i ended up asking for a break. i hold back when things are going well either because im eventually hurt by something they did and i can’t tell if it was genuinely malicious or not, since it’s hard for me to tell if someone is truly mistreating me anyways, Or because i feel a deep insecurity within me. that insecurity is the #1 thing that stands in my way if the relationship is perfect. it’s happened during all those three times and it made me feel physically ill just thinking about how unworthy i am. i remember getting into a relationship with someone and all i kept thinking about was how there’s so many better people around me they could be with, and how i wish i could exist as the OC’s they made and fictional characters they adored because they didn’t require reassurance and they could be “controlled” i guess. that part comes from my need to help people, and i believe i ruin that idea of being the helper if im being helped. im violently insecure and i feel so deeply unworthy. it turns into self hatred that im not just some normal girl to date. it’s a horrible cycle. i kept denying the love of my life at the time a romantic relationship solely because i felt gross at the idea of them being with me, because im gross. it’s gross to be near me. i’m not letting this affect future connections now though.

it turns into obsession but i’ve realized it’s not with the person but the situation itself. i don’t find myself fixated on who they are, rather on how to improve the situation constantly, as i also enter my thought spirals on how im not good enough. it’s the people pleaser within me that becomes obsessed with wanting to fix things. i’m not deeply fixated on a person, it’s usually that im fixated on how i could still be good enough while i deal with my own pain and restraint in romantic relationships.

[pink-elefantz]

silly rant<3

hey so what is the cutoff between whats considered masking and whats considered lying i am asking this as a liar lol. like i find it interesting as fuck genuinely where is the line meant to be drawn. i do believe a lot of autistic people who mask and cant discern this line end up overcorrecting severely and developing what's called a personality disorder and like there are studies around this diagnosis massively being a thing that people get when theyve gone their whole lives unsupported for autism/adhd because sometimes the response to that is i need to do absolutely anything to be perceived as a human being and i dont know what it is about me thats so inhuman so ill just become an entirely different person for everyone i meet i guess. because u get to a point where u realise that social cues are not a static thing and that every allistic person actually has their own seperate set of rules for how to act and they all act like that is inherently the way ur meant to act but fucking somehow simultaneously all of them know how to abide by each others social rules even though theyre all different, and u go fucking insane and then come to the conclusion that the only way to be able to speak the same language as these people is to completely lose ur identity to whoever u are talking to in the moment. and then the more u hang out with anyone the more you lose of yourself and u do it so hard and for so long that you end up not being able to shut it off for people who genuinely dont care how u act and u cant actually tell when youre lying anymore and you dont even know if you lied about being sick in the first place and just made urself this way and when u try to get help for this all of the resources are like "this is an evil manipulative thing that evil people do" and its like. so first of all people who are traumatized into defaulting to manipulative behaviours are not evil people and they dont deserve to be demonized but also i never lied to make anyone do anything for me i lied to protect myself from being treated like a monster how could i ever possibly explain myelf how do u undo a damage like that without making someone come to the conclusion that u were using them. it is such an intricate process untangling all the little strands of lies with someone u know and is it even possible to do it fully without making the person feel like u were only friends with them to make them adore u or get them to give u things. like i swear to god no lie i have ever told anyone about myself was for any ulterior motive i dont even like being around people. i just didnt want to be a freak anymore. and then being a freak was cool so i was a freak but not a REAL FREAK i still was just some other person my entire fucking life has just been observing peoples interactions and going oh that got a positive reaction ill try that. and then i try it and its like oh no one liked that. what were the variables. i need to know the variables but i can never repeat this experiment again because i cant actually deal with getting another negative reaction my heart cant take it when they look at me like that when they realise im a fake person just pretending to be human why did it work with that other person and not me what the fuck did i do wrong. and u cant exactly go and tell this to ur therapist who smokes freuds cock for breakfast because u will just get "liar" put on ur file and lose even more of ur autonomy and make it even less likely for people to believe u when u report psychiatric abuse. anyway peace and love on planet earht the camera zooms out to a blue sky and polka dot house and i am waving at u from below with my dog goodbye!!!!!!!!!!!!bye!!!!

[kolkaslove]

Had a dream last night(Sunday night now when I'm posting this)where basically I wanted to but a £10 iPod touch (presumably secondhand) from this CeX like place , but I was really intent on finding out the battery life of the iPod????

So it was a second hand Tec store(?) that looked like it was from Final Fantasy VII or the Arcane show (have not played final fantasy vii so maybe im wrong but, from what I've seen looked just like it or something).

There was a like half second floor thing, where the ceiling was really high so they kinda built a sorta second floor above some stuff and there was a ladder to get there. The back(?) half of the store had some sort of looping thing where it like had a tunnel that went somewhere and came directly back to the rest of the shop in an arch.

I was really dead set on learning the battery life so first I tried looking in the settings to see if it would show me how much of the battery was even still alive but instead it showed me weird values and one of them was like XQF-Z or something like that . So since I could not find the battery life and I was. Desperate to find it apparently I went up to one of the people working there and asked and I was told if I go to the swimming pool there were two people there who could tell me (there were also two people at the shop but one was occupied with someone and I just looked at her and sighed 😭😭😭😭

Also I'm genuinely not sure when this happened but with the loop thing the store had that came back in on itself, I think to get through???? Something I had to basically army crawl throughout two extremely close pieces of rock and it was awful lol. I remember I felt awful just looking at it and I have a feeling I had to do that in a dream before.

Anyways to the pool く⁠コ⁠:⁠彡く⁠コ⁠:⁠彡く⁠コ⁠:⁠彡く⁠コ⁠:⁠彡～⁠>⁠`⁠)⁠～⁠～⁠～～⁠>⁠`⁠)⁠～⁠～⁠～～⁠>⁠`⁠)⁠～⁠～⁠～

°∆°

So I got there somehow I guess idfk and I was like paddling in the water and looking at one of the (????) like guards (????) because they were who I needed to talk to. Also about this fucking pool. On further inspection I am not convinced it was a "pool" I believe it was essentially a playpen within a massive never ending ocean and that is terrifying. It was basically one of those big ass swimming pools from a leisure center except there was a never ending clear blue ocean and blue almost cloudless sky outside, and the sea level was suspiciously the same as the water level in this so called "pool". Also when I saw thought the corner of my eye towards the left I'm pretty sure it went on for infinity. Love how my dream tried to recreate the drawings of water and pools I love to look at but accidentally made it sort of terrifying.

So anyways I was floating in the water with (????) someone ???? I'm not sure who other than they might've had red hair. Anyways I saw the like lifeguard person or whatever that I was meant to talk to about, the fucking iPod battery life , and they just gave me something cryptic and weird in return. I think the other person I could've asked was on other side behind us and far away so talking wasn't really an option even if we could see him.

Yeah fun note actually,,,, the "swimming pool" was somehow connected to a school . No clue how. I went to the (????) changing rooms and leaned my head against the stall door when I was on the inside . And pulled the iPod out of my blazer. Cool(????????)

[thebigqueer]

I think you're overthinking it, you didn't do anything wrong she just wasn't into you. she didn't break up with you to punish you but because being in a relationship with someone you're not into isn't a good idea. I know it hurts right now but trust me when I say you will get over her you will find someone else and maybe you'll click in ways you and your ex never did.

It's going to be different, but it's going to be okay

i knowwww i know im overthining it its like a moajiryt of all my posts about this anyway. like i know im dramatizing all of it but truly everything i post on here are my inner thoughts theyre not really my rational thoughts and i know rationally speaking everything i say on here isnt going to be true. but i do appreciate the affirmation anon <3 the other thing is though i dont believe she wasnt into me. i know she WAS into me cuz no matter what i say or think the way she looked at me was too genuine to not be into me. like there was sooo much admiration in her eyes that theres no way she wasnt into me. and SHE was the one who initiated the 'i love you's (though i guess maybe sometimes you say that when you THINK you love someone but also if shes the one to iniitate it then she had to have felt something, even if it wsant truly love). she loved to touch me and she loved to watch me dance even though im not even a great dancer. theres just no way she wasnt into me. thats why im so confused about all of this cuz how is she gonna look at me like that and tell me she loves me and then tell me she doesnt feel an emotional connection you know? i guess my main question is moreso what she meant by 'emotional connection.' i dont know what she meant by that cuz i dont think she wouldve said 'i love you' without feeling SOMETHING. i just dont understand what her definition of emotional connection means and to be honest i dont know if she does iether cuz i tried asking her to explain it but she seemed to have a difficult time too. i wonder if her reason for breaking up was more because she had expectations that just werent being met in the time we were together due to maybe a lot of reasons (one of which being that we were 'long distance' over the summer). maybe she had expectations about how a relationship worekd and summer break just totally ruined that timeline (fuck summer i hate summer and this is going to be another reason for that)

[fucclove]

Been a minute since I checced in, wish I could say everything has fallen into place. Some things have gotten better, other things worse. I’m currently missing someone who isnt mine to miss. When I’m with her, it’s almost like for that small window in time, I can breathe again. Nothing else matters, just her happiness, her smile and her presence. And when I kiss her before she leaves, all the stresses come bacc rushing in like they never left. I wonder to myself, will that be the last? If it is, will she remember me? Will I ever cross her mind or will she continue on with life like the usual programming.. I find myself preferring sobriety when I’m with her, not because i don’t be wanting to smoke or drink with her, but because I want to be able to remember every little detail. Every lil laugh and kiss, every touch, every gaze. Guess it just hurts knowing that one day she will walk out of my life and I’ll have to act like I’m just fine with it. Like it didn’t mean anything to me more than a fun time. I’ll have to just sit bacc as she puts someone first who doesn’t even see the value she holds as a women, as I continue living on borrowed time. But to a man like me, it’s just one more substantial loss to throw on top of my pile of losses. For when it’s all said and done, I’ll be left with memories that I can’t cash in for her love, affection or time. And I start to ask myself, was I really meant to live this life alone? I know I’m good enough, but will I ever be anyone’s first choice? Will I ever be worth someone wanting to keep and hold onto? Or maybe im just meant to be the glass that pours into every cup in need, while my glass is left bone dry. If im being honest, i dont wanna do this anymore. At 28 yrs of age i can say im genuinely tired of feeling.