#i guess im doing this sort of thing now
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paul dano characters as high school band instruments
i swear this as been done before mb gang
lineup : edward nashton (batman 2022), alex winterman jones / barry milland (prisoners 2013), timothy klitz (the girl next door), jay (okja), eli sunday (there will be blood), dwayne hoover (little miss sunshine) burt fabelman (the fabelmans), pierre bezukhov (war and peace)
edward nashton is tough. genuinely. most math/science people i know don’t have a musical/artistic bone in their body but i’m gonna play it safe with bass clarinet OR trombone . seems like a trombone guy to me
alternatively, they give up on him and put him with the vocalists cuz he can sing (he hates it)
barry/alex is one hundred percent going ham on the glockenspiel i’m not explaining myself you’re gonna have to trust me.
also i feel like if he could get the hang of it, he’d enjoy the flute
timothy klitz 100% plays trumpet and is bad at it. terribly. only picked it up cuz he saw 3 valves and thought it was the easiest one. can only barely read sheet music
jay (okja) IS a clarinet. the embodiment of. there’s a certain kind of elegance to a clarinet that isn’t the same elegance of a violin or piano and i feel like he’s that
eli sunday can’t read sheet music. he can’t make a sound for any woodwind or brass instrument. by default he’s a vocalist i can’t explain it but i KNOW he’s got a nice set of pipes
alternatively, i see him taking interest in the cello
dwayne hoover is definitely on bass guitar or he’s a percussionist . just look at him how could he not be. plus he thinks the bass makes him look cool. really wants to try french horn though
burt fabelman if you don’t get your ass on that piano right now so HELP me lord . i mean was this even a question? call me lazy i don’t CARE
also alto sax because i say so
pierre bezukhov you sultry gentleman you . i assign you the honour of viola. tear it up you elegant fellow !
#i guess im doing this sort of thing now#GOD this is cringe#edward nashton#the riddler#edward nashton x reader#the riddler x reader#dano riddler#alex winterman jones#barry milland#timothy klitz#tim klitz#klitz the girl next door#klitz x reader#jay okja#jay okja x reader#eli sunday#eli sunday x reader#dwayne hoover#dwayne hoover little miss sunshine#dwayne hoover x reader#burt fabelman#burt fabelman x reader#pierre bezukhov#pierre bezukhov x reader#danonation#danocel#paul dano#lord have mercy
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It's a time-honoured tradition- every time Sam comes across Izzy (and Ed) in their travels, he asks Izzy to marry him. And every time, Izzy turns him down.
At this point, Sam is asking more for the sake of it than any belief Izzy will ever say yes, a remnant of childhood dedication touched with 30 years of heartbreak and regret- though even now, a small part of him still holds out hope. Sam's promises have only got more extravagant over the years, from a job as his first mate, to a captaincy, a fleet at his command, a whole fucking island if that's what Izzy wants- but he knows it isn't though, not really. If Izzy was ever going to agree to marry him, to leave his life and go with Sam, it wouldn't be for anything Sam could offer him. Izzy never did care for flashy shows of wealth, for a ship or to be captain. The only thing that ever mattered to him was loyalty given, and loyalty shown in return.
It all comes to a head after Stede left and came back, after Izzy lost a toe, lost his leg. Sam hasn't seen him since before things with Ed started to really slide off the rails, before stress permanently set into the lines of Izzy’s face. So, when he sees a dishevelled man with a hoof for a leg in a no-name port, he doesn't even consider the idea that he might know him. It's only when he turns towards him, and Sam catches a glance at those oh too familiar tattoos, he realises this is Izzy, his Izzy, that stands before him.
Knowing Izzy's discomfort with pity, he doesn't treat him any differently than he would in years gone by, positioning himself in Izzy's line of sight before approaching and sweeping him up into a bone crushing hug.
“Israel-goddamn-Hands!” he exclaims, as Izzy grumbles back a begrudging “Samuel-fucking-Bellamy”, a tradition almost as old as their friendship itself. Izzy might not hug him back, but he can’t keep the corner of his mouth from twitching, just for a second.
(If Sam holds Izzy a little tighter and a little longer than usual, well. That's his business)
By the time Sam lets go, most of the crew has appeared in the town square, drawn in by the commotion. They may have given Izzy his leg and welcomed him as one of them, but still there’s an underlying tension, with nobody quite ready to set aside everything that happened before the Kraken. Seeing him cosying up to an unknown man sets everyone on edge, unsure whether to come to their first mate’s aid, or to assume that they've been betrayed once again.
When Ed sees that the yelling was Sam, his hand goes tense where it's held in Stede's. He knows the routine, has seen it more times than he can count, but as he watches them part he realises that this is the first time in a long time he's unsure of what Izzy's response will be.
Knowing that something’s different, knowing that Izzy's feeling vulnerable already, Sam doesn't go for the same flashy proposal he’s been giving for years. He doesn't promise Izzy the world, he doesn't cause a scene (or, any more of a scene than he already has, anyway). He looks at the fractured man in front of him, takes his face in his hands, and says the exact same thing to him he said when they were little more than boys. “Israel, I have to ask you. I know what you'll say, but I have to try. Come with me. Marry me and sail away with me. I'll keep you safe”
And Izzy… hesitates. He glances over at Ed, at Stede, and says to Sam “...We’re staying in port for a week. Ask me again then”
That's the moment Sam knows there is something deeply, horribly, wrong. He's not just looking at an Izzy who got seriously injured in a fight and is struggling to cope, this is something so much bigger than that- and that Ed has something to do with it. Izzy wouldn't even be considering leaving if he didn't. Whether it was negligence or something more sinister, Sam doesn't yet know, but he intends to find out.
#i feel like the little paragraph about the crew is real clunky and out of place but i wanted some kind of establishment of where those#dynamics are at. its important that the crew is something for izzy to consider in his decision; but also that their relationship isnt so#solid he would stay for them alone; yknow?#im sorta aiming for a s2e5 era but like. early in those themes. he cant be all sorted yet i need him to be struggling#anyway this is part of a much larger scenario in my head that im never ever doing anything with but i wrote THIS bit in a daze in like. jun#and i got thinking about it again and i think?? it holds its own as a 'hey think about THIS' snippet. idk you decide#youre welcome to interpret this as solo bellhands but in my head it Has morphed into sam/izzy/ed/stede#because i cant not put edizzy in things any more. izzy has two hands#i also think the comedy potential of one of your boyfriends HATING your other boyfriend is gold. 10/10 dynamic#stede is mostly along for the ride in this but also i think they need him#aaaaand. the sam/ed bracket i think can only be closed in exceptional circumstances. i think they 'hate' each other too much#...which is WHY someones getting kidnapped!!! yay#anyway its all irrelevant because ill never write it out. i can do silly chill things but thatll require work#nyxtalks#ofmd#our flag means death#izzy hands#israel hands#sam bellamy#bellhands#i wanna also say. the general concept of repeated sam proposals has been floating around my head forever#it used to be a more silly thing like i referenced at the start but. s2 gave me angsty feelings i guess#i cant not have izzy have feelings for ed right now which inherently adds layers to Any bellhands scenarios i think.#but yeah. its a Classic Bellhands vibe for me. sam seeing izzy at sea or on shore and asking him to marry him (again)#i like to do this with jackie too. i think i just want that man to be obnoxiously desired#(theres also layers of my personal hornigold era lore built into this but i hope it holds up without u knowing it. tldr. sam lost izzy by#being an idiot n fumbling the bag. thats what matters. izzy went with ed and sams been trying to fix it ever since)#i probably should have readmore'd this but i didnt think it was Quite long enough. or had a good break point. sorry <3
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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live drama adaptations part 2 (prev)
cast reveal and girls movie night 🔥
#i actually had the first three pages done for like. months now. and then i just forgot 🧍♂️#theres one more part to this but as to when ill finish that. haha#duck scribbles#minicomic tag#midoyuzu#and a bit of tomohaji on the side#doodles#enstars#midori takamine#hajime shino#yuzuru fushimi#tori himemiya#ibara saegusa#this is. a lot better quality than the first initial one amsdkjgshdgsmd i kindaa wanna redo it but its already a multiple part one i dont#think ill do that to myself rn akjdgskjwkjgjkd#its been 8 months i doubt anyone would remember the initial one but its ok u dont have to read it#i completely made up this manga and am now a little sad its not a thing that exists#i wish haruno was a real character i could post mangacaps of#thought too hard about it and there isnt any way to fit it into here but there is also a fourth character harunos childhood gyaru friend#also in love w her. she ends up having some sort of alliance with naoto but obviously its in vain too but its all chill#manga ends with haruno opening her dream cafe and asahi later joins her there after training a new team to take care of their old one#naoto becomes a regular there also w his new bf :] happy ending !!!#wow i have drawn Way too much lately. forgive me for such behavior ill probably be posting a lot less from here on out askjdgksjhgs#needed the food for when im away from my laptop for a week....#guess ill never get to finish that other lil comic i had planned for that sleepover drawing i made back during rarepair week </3#does anyone actually read these anyhow. i talk too much maybe
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mascot
#this isnt vent dw!!! i dont smoke either i was just kinda going for some sort of vibe#i know its usually played for laughs or like. dark humor whenever ppl draw mascots without their heads and u can see the actor#but i always found it fascinating and a little sobering. ever since i was a kid ive always been hyperaware of ppl in costumes#like. even if i tried to block it out id be thinking the whole time 'its not real. theres a person in that suit who gets paid to do this'#it used to be an uncomfortable nagging feeling but now its like. oh yeah theres someone with a whole life story doing this. idk#i think when i tell ppl im not conscious of my body its like. im not dysphoric or experience dissociation but. at the same time#it feels like my physical body doesnt fully outwardly represent me..?? like some sort of costume#i like to phrase it as being a giant hairless mecha and inside theres a very tiny puppy piloting the damn thing#and the other thing is. when i draw my sona i dont really see it as what i /wish/ i looked like or how i want people to see me#its like being in a costume and just. fucking around with some sort of barrier between myself and others#plus mascots arent allowed to talk and i dont really. engage with other ppl in public spaces that it kinda feels like ad lib#i share a lot abt my life but ironically im also a private person..... i guess it just gives me some sort of control over my identity#my art#myart#my oc#sona#mascot#furry#??? is this furry art????#twinkle#puppysona#edit: had to outline it bc i just realized it looks really weird on dark mode -_-
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thank you for the tags @firstprincehornyramblings & @thighzp <3
sharing something a little different today. i've wanted to translate one of my shorter fics into spanish forEVER but always get stuck and give up. but i'm feeling inspired by @jocarthage's arabic and english drabble so i decided to give it a shot.
who knows how long it will take me to finish but here's a bit of baby, it's alright, my nora's pov of caulfield fic, en español
Ella sueña. No hay nada por ella aquí, entonces ella duerme, y piensa en las cosas buenas una y otra vez para que no las olvide. Oasis, antes de Jones. Los árboles, las flores, el cielo. Tripp, cuando no se duele demasiado pensar en su cara. Louise, segura y feliz, sonriendo y bailando con Roy. Walt, su cara dulce y sus abrazos cariñosos. A veces ella se pregunta dónde está Walt ahora. Ella piensa en él feliz y saludable con una familia que le ama. Sonriendo en el campo de las girasoles. Bailando cerca de la mesa.
no pressure tagging @lostcol @bigassbowlingballhead @basil-bird @stratocumulusperlucidus @taste-thewaste
@onward--upward @rewritetheending @jbarneswilson @onthewaytosomewhere @firenati0n
@catdadacd @insecuregodcomplex @faketrex @jocarthage @beautifulcheat
@cha-melodius @sheepywritesfics <3
#grace writes#or translates i guess :)#my spanish is shit compared to what it used to be as i havent had much opportunity to use it since we moved#so i welcome any feedback or suggestions as ive lost a lot of my sort of ingrained or instinctual knowledge of grammar and a lot of my voca#i used to be pretty fluent but now i sound like an idiot when i speak#on my long long list of things id like to put more time towards is more language learning and reinforcement#but this will be a fun exercise and hopefully i can come out with something understandable at least#rnm fic#en español#present progressive still fucks me up#i feel like i understand when to use it vs not when writing and speaking#but im struggling to translate it bc we use it a lot more in english that you do in spanish#so i keep going back and forth
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Ok but, regarding TMAGP 27, I can't stop thinking about Jonah writing, after sending Archibald to a certain death, "It is done, and I am surprised to find how little remorse I feel." It reminds me of his statement in MAG 160:
"The discovery, not simply of the dark and horrible reality of the world in which you live, but that you would quite willingly doom that world and confine the billions in it to an eternity of terror and suffering, all to ensure your own happiness, to place yourself beyond pain and death and fear. (...) It is an awful thing to know about yourself."
I will never get tired of little details about his life being revealed (regardless of the timeline/dimension) because the parallel between his discovery of the supernatural world and the discovery of his own true self and the things he's capable of is so interesting and compelling to me.
Along with the knowledge of the horrors that exist in his world comes the horror of the realization that he might be capable of anything to stop feeling scared and vulnerable, to put himself over everybody else if necessary. Every time curiosity leads him into a new experiment, a new sacrifice in the name of knowledge, he lets go a little bit of himself and his morality. And then, as it happened with Archibald, and as it happened with Barnabas in another world, he feels surprised of how easy it was. Of how he doesn't feel regret or grief, how at most he finds himself thinking that it was all a pity. So it becomes even easier each time, he finds freedom in it, as he also mentions in MAG 160— and one sacrifice after another, it all becomes incredibly simple. There is no fear of losing himself, only the fear of death and pain remains, and only after that process of two hundreds years can one condemn the world for his own sake.
The progressive descent into evil of Jonah Magnus, slowly exposed through statements and letters, will never stop being one of the more interesting parts of this podcast imo.
#the magnus protocol#tmagp#jonah magnus#well sorry im now using my art blog for this i guess#this is probably conveyed extremely poorly but you know!! english is not is my first language so what can i do#not that im saying anything new i just love this sort of arc and story#specially if its slowlly narrated in the background through snippets but at the same time it's extremely important for the general plot#and themes of the story#thats my fromsoft poisoned brain for you#also i know theres some people pointing out that we technically dont know if the magnus in tmagp 27 is in fact jonah#but come on he's the magnus who founded that institute and has the same bitch personality#him not being jonah would be extremely cheap and deceptive#also “augustus is jonah” team please rise. this is what i've been saying ALL THE TIME#tmagp spoilers#oh one more thing#you could argue that there's no real “descent into evil” for jonah since he's a privileged guy in victorian england#who represents the opression of the ruling class#and the point is that he feels that he can trample all over other people because of that#thats a talk for another day lol#those are different interpretations but i believe they can be true at the same time#after all the capacity for evil was always within him thats the point i think#uuuh anyways good night
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...
#i dont think im a bad person. i dont think i behave in ways that are especially terrible. i dont hate myself. but i do believe i deserve to#suffer. and im not sure how to align those incongruent ideas. its hard to articulate because a lot of my rigidity stems from restrictions#without cause. i don't do things for a specific reason. im not afraid that if dont do specific things it will cause bad things to happen. i#behave in specific ways because thats what i have to do. thats just the way it is. without reason. without cause. like im getting dictates#from some higher power. a lot of my restrictive behaviors manifest in a sort of religious way. not in a religious trauma way. the church i#grew up in was all love thy neighbor and not fire and brimstone. its more that this rigid views is deeply and profoundly rooted in how i#belive i need to behave. i behave imperfectly. i make mistakes. and there has to be a consequence. i have to suffer. and thats just how it#is. like preying for forgiveness or committing self flagellation. i repent through self punishment. and when i try to imagine why i do this#all i can think about is being a little kid. praying before i went to bed. not aloud. the prayers i kept silent. that nobody would get sick#and die. that all the kids in childrens hospitals would get better and that nothing bad would ever happen to anyone. i had a pretty idealic#childhood. it was stable and my parents loved me a lot. i was never really bullied in school. my family was comfortably middle class without#money troubles. and i guess i find that difficult to contend with because i didnt do anything to deserve that. it was just luck. and why#should i have that when other ppl dont? but random things dont happen to you because you did something to warrent them. thats not how the#world works. so maybe im seeking to balance the scale. maybe im trying to pay for my good luck because it makes more sense that way.#sins must be punished and good fortune must be paid for. but only for me. i am an isolated entity controlled by an angry god.#and again. i dont hate myself or thing im a bad person. it only seems fair and correct that i should suffer. thats just how it is.#and how do you classify that? its a rigid worldview that sprauls out into restructions and compulsions. a lens warped from through#existential fear? the rot from which 0cd manifested? a set of restrictions born of aut1sm? i dunno. it doesnt really matter but i try to#classify anyway. maybe it doesnt fit neatly into one box. so it goes.#just stupid bullshit im being forced to deal with now that im basically in triple therapy lol#unrelated
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Day 1 of the @lmk-season-5-drawing-challenge :D
I thought i would be the only one who would draw Nezha for this day but nop!!!
Anyway this is sort of for my au? I mostly use this Nezha outfit in my sk8ter boy au but i also just. Use it outside of the au in general. So yeah.
#This took me too long and i didnt even really color it but im tired#Also i did this in ibis paint#I havent done a proper drawing in ibis paint for. A while...so that was fun#I dont think ill be able to do all of the themes since this month is going to be really busy for me but ill try doing at least some#Probably going to be like. Tradicional doodles/inking though#Since i mostly do this sort of thing during school and stuff#anyway normal tags now#My art#Lmk fanart#Lmk nezha#digital art#Lmks5dc#LMKSeason5DrawingChallenge#Its not as polished as i would prefer(the outer lines not being thicker is bugging the heck out of me)#But its a daily chalenge so i guess i shouldnt beat myself up if its not perfect
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#when i was first coloring him in he was gonna be golden chinchilla colored but then i was like ehhh jonah magnus should be red/orange but#elias should be gray ...so i just desaturated what i already did instead of recoloring lol but#he is now supposed to be shaded silver lol#but thats why his coat pattern is on the darker side compared to what it *should* be#og elias bouchard coming from an important/roch family and while whole thing with thinking he just *deserves* stuff bc of his upbringing.#etc. -> he is purebred and matches the breed standards etc for a scottish fold of his color#obviously the eye color doesn't matter because. ahaha#i thought elias fit the Scottish fold vibes because: Scottish folds are known for looking sort of like owls and having intense eyes#and the cat body/face type (also present in british shorthairs) to me gives off sort of... unnasumming vibes?#like ahaha yes i am a boring boss who loves paperwork look at how unnasumming i am season 1-2 elias y'know#trying to think of what cat breed jonah would be. and also jon gerry etc you know all the other characters i like#would it be boring to have multiple british shorthairs#i mean..#Michael shelley/distortion is a laperm that's all I know#i didn't particularly care with the personality attributes associated with eliascat because it didn't need to fit his personality on account#of not being his original body. but i do try to keep in mind the best personality/look/etc. cat attributes as a whole for a character#also sometimes get obsessed with jt making historical and geographical sense but then it just limits me greatly to a point im not into it#so i don't care about specific breeds in that respect lol#tma#my art#elias bouchard#the magnus archives#some notes looking back(made it 2 hours ago but still looking back ok..) on it now are that i feel like elias would never choose this breed#for his next bodyhop because of the inherent health issues in scottish folds. I saw the breed was created in like the early 1960s and#assumed that maybe the health issues wouldn't have been common knowledge until later enough for jonah to be unaware of them but actually no#there's legislation about it like 6 years later LOL so jonah would..maybe not make this choice#i guess in the future when drawing i will just make him a British shorthair#my catTMA is simultaneously 'they are just regular cats or like all show cats or something' and 'exact tma plot but as intelligent cats'#LOL its just vague in my mind idk..also maybe jon can be an Abyssinian#ALSO WHAT WAS I THINKING 'jonah may not have been aware about x thing' like did i...did i forget. me 2 hours ago was dumb as rocks
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look at what i've found on my laptop, i had no recollection of this one until i opened the file. it dates back to 14.04 lmao
obviously im not finishing it but this is very funny, now you have it internet, the way it was saved back in april
#if i were to finish it i would redo the whole thing and i dont want that#scarahei#heiscara#i didnt draw it with romance in mind but you know what? now i kind of see it#i actually wanted scara to be a smug piece of work#genshin impact#wanderer#scaramouche#shikanoin heizou#genshin impact fanart#notecapn art#i guess but it feels like i was a dif person back then hahaha#it was right under my nose for more than half a year#the joys of having a folder named “sort later” and not sorting it#i should probably check if i have more things like this but i doubt it and i liked the fright this one gave me so i will not be doing that#looking at it scaras eyebrows seem so thick thats not how i would draw him now#the dimensions are so awkward 1399 × 1777 what is this mate?#i dont know whats with the space above their heads#im not fixing any of it#the past me should own up to his mistakes
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very specific thing but. i feel like recently ive been improving less at Actual Physical Drawing Skill and more at. translating my ideas Into the drawing?? does that make sense?? like i finally feel like im able to more accurately get what i want to get down Down instead of only something adjacent to what i was imagining
#lemon speaks#it depends on what im doing but like. I feel like my Success Rate has gone up lmao#theres not visibly as much of a difference between 2024 - 2025 as there was with 2023 - 2024 and 2022 - 2023#but like. It Comes Easier i guess. again#more accurate to whats actually in my head#weirdly the shitty animatic draft i did 90% of at close to midnight solidified this for me#like oh. Yeah okay. that sequence is Exactly how i was seeing it in my head . and it's on the screen now.#i used to struggle with spacing and composition So Much that whenever i'd try something similar it'd turn out Weird#now it just sorta Happens. i have to fiddle with it a Lot more than other things but it Does Happen .#still sort of adjusting to that
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the end of exams has been the biggest goal for me to get to for a couple of months but now it's here i'm realising everything is still awful even if i don't have to study for hours on end
#this is the inevitable post-exam exhaustion situation tbh#i told myself i'd sort it all out once they were over but i still can't respond to my parents. ventposting because my dad just tried to cal#btw#cant pick up#i'm so tired#just seeing his name on my phone screen makes me so scared and sad like i was all christmas but if i tell him that who knows what he'll do#probably shout at me#or tell me it's painful for him to hear and make me feel so guilty#or ignore me for a week then i'll worry he's dead#im so so scared that he thinks i don't want to talk to him or don't care and that's why i'm not responding#idk what he'll do if he gets too deep in that belief#and i want to respond and act all happy so he knows it's not true#but i can't#and my mum . :/#she's always been my mother who i love above anything else but now she's just a reminder of everything and i can't stand it#need to get away from them pls i wish i could tell them to leave me alone without the inevitable paranoia my dad will kill himself#and my mum will neglect herself#as she's admitted to doing because i didn't talk to her for 2 days#as i know my dad does too just because he doesn't care#and now i'm the worst person in the world because i can't reply and be all cheerful despite knowing these things#can't even chat to my housemates smh i fucked that up too#i'm too autistic to hold a conversation no matter how badly i want to#glad i'm not going out tonight wow#it would have gone SO badly#tw vent#i guess#got to stop this jfc
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obsessed with their different reactions to being called starcrossed lovers
#im gonna pretend mattie didnt die and visits them sometimes back in toronto#it's such a cute dynamic they have#the two evil (affectionate) sisters who just loving teasing laura#also one of my favourite things abt this show is the choreographing they do for the static camera#i bet it's so annoying to have to think about but i love watching them all move so coordinatedly through the frame#somehow still making it look natural#also i know laura is the storyteller one and i dont really know enough abt romanticism to make any definitive claims abt carmilla#but having scrolled her blog a bit to figure out her tastes in music and art#i wonder if theres a part of carmilla that kind of enjoys being starcrossed. or doomed in a sense#or maybe she that she wouldnt have CHOSEN this story necessarily but that she has resigned herself to it#on account of her vampire nature#and sees a certain beauty in it#that all her romances are doomed#idk. im still figuring her out#also im reinterpreting that exchange mattie and carmilla have in this scene#carmilla calls mattie a utilitarian which is probably right#mattie then callls her a nihilist and carmilla corrects that to existentialist#and mattie says absurdist at best#but those arent designations like back and forth as i had read it before#it's just carmillas philosophy theyre arguing about. i THINK. or maybe it's both of them#putting a pin in that until ive read more books#also kind of obsessed with how laura and danny and maybe the other humans are so quick to ascribe a morality to the vampires#based just on the 'shes a vampire!!' while obviously by necessity the vampires have spent wayyyyyyyyyy more time thinking abt their ethics#or maybe not by necessity for all of them but to mattie and carmilla it definitely seems like a necessity. or inevitability#they mustve spent countless hours over the centuries talking abt this if they can joke abt it in this way now#and in different states too like i can imagine distraught Im A Monster type conversations but also just sort of academic debates and also#carmilla reading some new book that has come out and mattie being like what newfangled thing are you into now#i guess utilitarianism was also newfangled at some point. theyre both older. but you know#carmilla is a poet. dont know if she writes poetry but she looks at things in a poet's way i think#also dont think shes entirely a romantic but i do think some of her tastes lean more toward the romantic
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sry for posting so much im like introspective or something
#its bc i made myself sad in my journal again -_- wtvr.#also semi related not rly at all i guess but i do applogize for talking in third person sometimes i know its annoying it genuinely is just#bc like. i have a disconnect with me and with connor and everything and i do tend to thjnk of myself as a seperate entity than like. idk#it is me i know that but when i say Connor im referring to sort of the like. concept of him i guess. and sometimes what i say applies to me#but usually its just about him you know.#but i rly try not to there was a period of time last year where my mental sort of#like. the way i thought about myself was never i or me or we it was always it. like it is going to go clean the bathroom now. it needs to#eat. recently theyve started to be more like that again but i try not to post like that bc i dont want to seem weird or something. not that#theres anything wrong Another general rule of thumb whenever i say something is weird i mean it only for me and for the absurdly long list#of attributes i as connor am supposed to have and how im supposed to be percieved but that list isnt rly realistic for anybody else and#things that r evil when i do them r generally entirely neutral or positive when other ppl do them its judt umm. this is me being#selfcentered again i guess sorry. i always make it abt me in these ... my diary is even worse its always just abt me its very selfish. but#wtvr. not in a dismissive way it is bad i need to work on not being so selfcentered i just use whatever as like a. im done thinking about#this thought or discussing it. but it does come off as sort of dismissive which isnt what i mean .#but anyways. so when i am writing a post and i almost refer to myself as It instead of inor.me i usually edit it to just say connor or him#or whatever. but only sometimes sometimes i am just talking about connor.
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