#i didnt draw it with romance in mind but you know what? now i kind of see it

[notecapn]

look at what i've found on my laptop, i had no recollection of this one until i opened the file. it dates back to 14.04 lmao

obviously im not finishing it but this is very funny, now you have it internet, the way it was saved back in april

[mirahuyooo]

Lover’s Eye | ksj

Lover's Eye

— They say the eyes are the windows to one's soul. His just also happen to open the door to your heart.

Word Count: 5,448 Pairing: Kim Seokjin × Reader Contents: ANGST, roMANCE, FLUFF, dRAMA, PINING, star-crossed lovers 😭, oh the woes of being a woman in a historical period, misunderstandings being cleared uwu, KIM SEOKJINNN, Historical-ish AU (but with fictional places bc i didnt want to think of being historically accurate lol)

[masterlist] | check out the [moodboard]!

A/N: IT’S LATE but happy birthday jinnie 😭💞💖💗 I wanted to write something for him, but I didn’t want to write about him leaving for the military bc it’s a bit on the nose, so here you guys go instead! it’s an old fic idea that i recently revamped lol 

Fun fact! The concept is based on the Georgian tradition of having an accessory (necklace, brooch, bracelet, etc.) that depicts an image of the eyes or an eye of a secret lover, spouse, or other loved ones. This is often common for those in secret affairs, protecting their lover's identity but at the same time be able to express their love (and I think that's pretty uwu if ur star-crossed lovers ✋😭💞)  

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed! 💗💗💗

Your paradise is an old ruin on the outskirts of the city—a once great fortress now left to rot a hundred years after its last great feat—but in that crumbling mess of stone and moss are remnants of beautiful memories you constantly rekindle for some semblance of a warmth long gone. The pleasant weather emanates most of the feeling—warm sunlight peeking through the overgrown trees and cool breeze caressing stray hairs away from your face.

It’s a spot under one of the trees where you usually tuck yourself into and leave the rest of the world behind for your own peace of mind. It offers the perfect amount of light and shade, and the wind doesn’t become too distracting as you dawdle about. 

This place, after all, is lawless, and you do as you please. At times, you’d bring a book and a pen with you, idly writing your thoughts and doodling in the margins as you read. Other days you’d stroll through the abandoned halls and let yourself be lost in imagining what took place centuries past. Most times, however, you’d sit under your favorite tree, take out a pencil or maybe that small, worn metal box of your paints, and bring something to life onto your paper—like now.

Accompanied by nothing but the distant sounds of small land critters reaching your ears, your hands move the pencil about the paper at a leisurely pace without much thought. Time passes easily this way, you taking your time to draw out figures—a person, apparently. 

Oh.

Your hands come to a stop as you finally realize what—who—you’ve drawn instinctively. A man stares back at you with a tousle of dark, fluffy hair atop his head, brushing gently over his brows. His plump lips were drawn to a small smile, and his eyes—oh, his eyes—were dark in color but the expression in them remains soft and kind, piercing right through you—through your heart. 

He looks beautiful—but you don’t think you could ever do the real thing justice. 

At your own making, Kim Seokjin stares back at you—nothing but charcoal on paper; a mere likeness you cannot feel the warmth of, and an endearing gaze you can only recall in your memories.

You find yourself fishing for something beneath your lace blouse—a familiar small, gold locket whose four corners your fingers know very well to hold. Opening it reveals an eye that, unlike the sketch you’ve drawn, is a bit more lifelike with its colors. The dark chocolate iris has light reflecting off of it like starlight, making it stand out amidst the rest of the miniature canvas. 

Flitting between the sketch and the locket only leaves you more despondent in a feat of having his image engraved in your head lest you ever have the misfortune of forgetting it. 

You couldn’t help but ponder to yourself, reminiscing the seven springs since you’ve last seen the man. 

“Do you like it?”

Voice falling short of a whisper, struggling to find it in you to look at his face so you resort to asking for a verbal reaction. You watch as he endearingly compares the two lockets—one with his eye’s dark chocolate hue and the other with the (e/c) of yours. It had been fairly difficult to paint on such small canvases, but you managed to accomplish the feat.

“Absolutely, my love,” he croons, pressing a kiss atop your forehead before he clasps his locket around his neck. Without any hesitation, he does the same for you. Not long after, his fingers secure a gentle grip on your chin and guide your head upwards. For the first time since you two snuck off to meet tonight, your eyes meeting his, two almost-crescents twinkling as he gives you a smile—tender and loving with the hint of bittersweet sadness. “You’ve captured my handsomeness in the eye alone,” he jests despite himself, pride in his tone as he pulls you into an embrace. “How fortunate I have such a talented woman to immortalize me.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at his antics. “But of course,” you hum against his shirt, as you hug him just a little bit tighter. “You’re my only muse.”

The shake in your dwindling voice doesn’t elude your lover, making him pull away and, this time, cupping your cheeks to give them a pinch. “Don’t frown now,” he tuts, his thumbs playfully drawing a smile onto your lips. “You swore you wouldn’t.”

Seokjin’s eyes ruin his light-hearted facade—just as crestfallen as yours. For his sake, however, you do your best to oblige a smile, only to have them force tears from your eyes. A shaky sigh leaves his lips as your tears start flowing one after the other, and so he pulls you into his arms again, letting his shirt stain with your tears. 

You take every second to engrave the feeling of his arms—his warmth—around you. “Come back to me,” your words are muffled by his shoulder but he hears it all the same.

“Of course,” he affirms, giving you a squeeze as he buries his nose into your hair. “I very much intend to.” 

Kim Seokjin was an orphaned boy, found unconscious by the river outside the town and gladly taken in by the local baker and his wife who have been childless well into their years. He grew to be a handsome man, fawned over by even the ladies in your circle who often bemoaned about how unfortunate it was that he didn’t have anything to his name outside the bakery he’s set to inherit from his adoptive father. 

You, however, accomplished what they couldn’t. 

See, Kim Seokjin—one of the most revered bachelors in town—is your little secret. The man you sneak around with. The man you exchange knowing glances with. The man you’ve shared your heart with. 

It was most unfortunate that the two of you were born into different classes. You are the third of four daughters in a particularly well-off family who owned and managed a relatively large farmland. Though your family ranks low amongst polite society, your mother, nearly driven mad into perfectionism, strictly wanted all of her daughters to marry well. This became the very reason why you’ve kept the fact that you and baker Kim’s son are lovers.

It was most fortunate, however, that your two elder sisters successfully secured themselves husbands for their future and the family, especially when your late father succumbed to his illness during one particularly harsh winter. Occupied with the adjustments of passing the family business to your eldest sister and her husband, your mother’s pressure with suitors eventually loosened (just a little) when it came to you and your youngest sister, who shared your distaste with the forced matches. This made it all the more easier to see Seokjin, who often came around under the excuse of his father’s bakery that got their supply of dry ingredients from your family’s company.

It was him who found the ruins—him who brought you there one night and the two of you spent the night watching the stars. 

It was him who revived your love for art—him who gifted you a makeshift palette of paints and urged you to paint when you were told to forget about your passion.

It was him who left you—him who decided to seize the opportunity to be an apprentice to the royal chef and asked you to make something for him to remember you by (hence, the lockets).

The two of you swore you'd stand the test of time, distance, and everything else the universe will throw your way. Of course, such things were always easier said than done. Misfortune found its way to the path and now… well, now you’re quite unsure of what it holds for you—or him.

Here you are, seven years have passed—no Kim Seokjin aside from the ones you've put on paper and canvas. 

Does he still look the same after all these years? 

Did he keep his locket close to his heart, too?

Did he ever stare into the likeness of your eye and reminisce?

There are times resentment gets the better of you—questions of his love, of why he hasn't gone back to look for you, of if he ever even loved you any more—and time, itself, has made you weary, spent your tears, and tired your heart. It's gotten easier to bury memories of him, but times like this come where it rises from the depths in which you've left it. You walk the line of acceptance and delusion, indulging in your greatest "what if" while knowing the truth of your folly.

A sigh escapes your lips as you start to feel the tears stinging your eyes. You keep them at bay as you try to get yourself together. "That's enough for the day," you tell yourself, gathering your materials and slipping them into your satchel. 

Another day ends with you leaving the ruins—your paradise—behind, along with all of the memories of your first love. 

"A ball?"

Before you, your youngest sister, Emma, nods enthusiastically as your eldest sister, Jane, offers you a kind smile. "We thought it'd be lovely for you to join," she says, squeezing your hand, pleading. "Anne will be here by then, too, and we'll be complete."

Your heart aches for your sisters, but while you love them very much…

“You know my sentiments about polite society,” you couldn’t help but sigh, sarcasm dripping in “polite” as you know well of the vipers that hide beneath their pristine facades. 

See, the truth of you and your relationship with Seokjin was discovered six or so years ago by your mother. The resulting conflict led to your disownment and the death of your reputation in the eyes of the social circle, who stared at you with scrutiny, jealousy, and disdain wherever you went.

Emma and Jane looked at you in pity—something you absolutely distaste, but you know it would never leave their eyes even if you told them to. Still, however, your eldest sister brings out a piece of paper—an invitation. “It’ll be fine,” she assures you, “It’s a masquerade ball.”

“No one would know,” Emma eagerly supplies, wielding puppy dog eyes and a pout against you. 

You look at the two of your sisters—who have missed you since all these years, who have given you support in secret, who have urged you to return to the family since your late mother’s passing two years ago. You only manage to meet them a day every other week, your stubborn drive to make something of yourself occupying most of your days with your jobs. 

The cursive words on the card look back at you, almost expectantly. Wearing a mask sounds promising, but the luxury of it all—finding a gown to wear, attending the extravagant party, following the strict etiquette—is all too much now for the simpler life you’ve lived in the past years. They remind you of a suffocating, restricting part of your life.  

On the other hand, however, your heart strings are tugged for your sisters.

With a sigh, you set the invitation down and turn back to your sisters who anticipate your response. “How am I even supposed to afford a decent dress for myself?” you say, brow raised, but the signs of defeat bring grins onto their lips. 

“We’ll gladly take care of that, dear,” Jane assures you as Emma excitedly giggles, leaving her seat to hug you.

Their warmth coaxes a smile from your lips. Anything for them. 

“Anything for them, you say?” you grumble to yourself with a muffled groan as you stand amongst a crowd all chattering amongst themselves, while you stand there all by your lonesome. 

The night of the much awaited ball, you stayed at the estate for the first time in years. The maids delivered to you a beautiful gown of gentle green with delicate white lace trims. Along with it was a white mask with vines and flowers sculpted around it. It took a while for you to get ready, but by the end of it, your hair was beautifully pinned up with a few pearls and faux white flowers.  

The four of you—your second elder sister having arrived with her husband a few days before—meet at the living room, all happy smiles at the notion of being together again. Of course, having their husbands in tow, all of you had to split between two carriages on the way to Fairford Manor. 

Which brings you here now.

Alone, because as all of your sisters have gotten married (yes, even your youngest sister has now also found herself a man), that means as the song for the waltz played, all couples go to the center and dance together. 

“They say the chandelier was a gift from Queen Irene herself. Isn’t that fascinating, my lady?”

You hold back a grimace. “Quite so,” you politely say in feign interest, so as to not offend the man next to you. You don’t know who the old man is, but while he's been nice to have struck a conversation with you, if you planned to spend your evening with history lessons, you’d go to a library.

“Have you eve—”

“Good evening.”

A tall stranger approaches you both, clad in a black suit embroidered with silver thread and a black mask covering his full face. Your brows raise as the man offers you his hand. “If I may,” he courtesies, “I’d like to ask the lady for a dance?” 

Looking around, it seems that the second dance has indeed begun. A part of you is relieved at the sweet release from boredom, but then again, you don’t know this man either. Something does, however, urge you to take his hand before you can even think about it. 

For a moment, his hand in yours leaves you befuddled. Warm they were, and… No. Nonsense.

“I’d be delighted to,” you force a smile, now that you’ve doomed yourself to accept the invitation.

The two of you join the circle of people who came to dance to the next song. While your hand remains in his, you gingerly—awkwardly—place your other hand on the man’s shoulder. His other hand found purchase at the small of your back, as you both began to follow the tune and waltz. You thank your body for remembering the arduous years of having to study dances—you’ve yet to step on your partner’s feet!

You find yourself looking up to meet eyes with the stranger. The close distance has allowed you a better look into his eyes, and they knock the air out of you. Dark irises you’ve seen so many times before stare back at you with a knowing familiarity.

Is it—can it really be him?

“A frown doesn’t suit you, my lady,” he says, and his voice alone—soft and light-hearted as always—dooms your suspicions. With the mask obscuring his face, you find it hard to decipher his emotions. Has time rid you of knowing what his eyes speak after so long?

Your heart races and aches in a flurry of emotions, but for his sake and yours, you resist the urge to storm out of the ballroom. You wonder if he can sense your panic—if he could see your eyes glassy with unshed tears. “So, you’ve come back,” you dully say, tearing your eyes from him to spare yourself any more pain.  

“A bit later than intended, I know,” he tells you as he guides you through the dance. 

Too late, your pain screams. Too late. Too late—

Your teeth bite down at your lip, and you sentence yourself to silence until the last note of the song. Without another word, you hastily courtesy and leave him on the dancefloor, glaring at the marbled floors all the way out of the manor. Hushed whispers follow you, but they are nothing you haven’t privy your heart to. In fact, you’ve expected the gossiping—but him? Kim Seokjin, your first love, right before you when you’ve spent seven years without him? 

He’s a blow to your heart you hadn’t anticipated—a bomb amongst mere arrows. 

A sob finally escapes your lips as you reach the stairs that lead to a pathway to the gates, forcing you to shed your mask when they stick to your skin and get in the way of your tears. The cold night air nips your skin, but you’ve been shaking for far longer than the moment you stepped outside. 

Your melancholy has you nearly stagger off the stairs, but a hand grabs a secure hold of your elbow before you could fall. You pathetically look up to your supposed savior—Kim Seokjin, sans the black mask. How fortunate.

“(Y/N)—”

“Don’t,” you grit through your teeth. 

It’s a surreal sensation—bittersweet, really—to finally see the real thing when you’ve spent years longing for your drawings and paintings to become it. Yet, here your old flame was now—alive in a way your art could never atone—and all the yearning turned into a forest fire across your whole being. 

Soft thumbs wipe away your tears, a feeling that makes you instantly flutter your eyes closed. “It’s unfair,” you find yourself whimpering your thoughts aloud. “Why does it feel like I’m the only one suffering?”

Years of scrutiny and hopelessness all reap the seeds of misery they sowed in you, all of them coming alive to ensnare you and drag you to the depth now that the sole reason for it all presents himself to you—the man you loved, the man you left your family for, the man you stayed in this damned city for even as it rots you from the inside out.

“What makes you say that?”

Seokjin’s words coax you to open your eyes. Through blurred tears, you come to realize he’s closer now, his eyes swimming with tears like yours—the sight of which softens your furrowed brows. Still, it’s not enough to satiate the years of contempt that brewed within you. “Time seems to have been kinder to you, is all,” you bitterly say, taking in his suit ensemble that you could immediately tell was expensive. 

Your words hurt Seokjin, you know it well, but in a childish feat, you hope it does. “I’ve worked hard for it,” he argues, a frown tugging his lips down. “You know nothing of what I’ve been through.”

“So do you,” you say, reaching to remove his hands from your face and walking down what steps remain on the stairs.

You have no doubts of his accomplishments. He had always been able to do what he set his mind to and do so flawlessly. Perhaps, it is this that also prods at the green-eyed monster within you, who envies to see that while you may have both suffered, he’s more triumphant in his feats than you were.

Ever the better person out of the two of you, Seokjin tries to bring you to reason. He follows you out to the manor grounds. “Then make me understand,” he pleads, managing to take your hands into his and effectively stop you in your tracks yet again. “Don’t run away from this—from me.”

Seokjin’s eyes never leave yours and you find it hard for yourself to look away now. Damn it all. His eyes have always done away with you and your stubborn resolve. 

“Mother found out,” you find yourself telling him, lips quivering yet again.

Through the next months after Seokjin’s apprenticeship began at the capital, you would get your news of him through his mother, who always had that knowing glint in her eyes about the two of you before he had left. Both your worries and excitement could fill an ocean, and that made the two of you much closer as you both waited for every letter from Seokjin. 

It was a year or so in, however, your mother discovered his letters to you. You remember the sheer dread that washed over you when you saw her at your vanity table, reading the letters Seokjin directly addressed to you.

"Mother…"

You stood frozen by the door, part of your nightgown bunched in your hands as you watched your mother grip the letter tightly with only one thing in her eyes—fury. The moment she looked up and met your eyes through the mirror, chills ran down your spine. "What did I lack for you to have done this treachery to me, (Y/N)?" she said, voice eerily steady and sharp that it makes you flinch.

Willing yourself to step forward, you try to gently reason with her. "Mother, love mustn't have boundaries," you say, “Seokjin is—”

"Love is an illusion, (Y/N)," your mother spat, standing from the chair with such force that it toppled over. “These,” she waves a letter to your face, “These are nothing but lies.”

"It's not—"

"This boy may have you fooled, but not me," your mother claims, tearing the letter in her hands before your eyes, the sight of which sets you a blaze in panic.

"No!" you cry out and run to her, grasping her hands to try and save the other letters from the same fate. "Stop it, please! Stop!"

Your mother looks at you in outrage as you cry over the torn pages of your lover’s words, clutching the letters you managed to get a hold of close to your heart. "You'd waste yourself for that baker's boy?!" she bellowed, "What else can he give you aside from his looks, hm? Nothing!"

"I don't give a damn about what he can't give!" you scream back, anger now flowing through your veins. "I love him and he loves me—unconditionally. I'm not throwing what we have away simply because he doesn't fit you greedy ide—"

A slap damns you to silence. 

"How dare you?" your mother sneers, seething. "How will you live then, hm? In the slums with nothing to eat?"

Her underestimation of commoners infuriates you. "The Kims get by just fine mother," you hiss, standing to stare her down with a glare. "Your obsession with luxury blinds you to the beauty in their simple lives."

Your mother glares back, crossing her arms. "Then I'll simply have you see things my way," she declares with such sureness that it unsettles you.

"What do you mean?"

"No daughter of mine marries a commoner," she says the words with such disgust that it stabs your heart with pain. "You'll marry Lord Jung's son, and then you'll see just how much better life is!"

Jung Hoseok, you remember him. A kind, bright boy you played with as a child—son to one of your late father’s greatest investors. He’s heir to his father’s brewery business. You can see why, in your mother’s eyes, he’s a perfect candidate for marriage. 

Even so, you can't stomach the thought of betraying Seokjin—let alone attempting to unlove him. 

"Then, I'll be no daughter of yours."

Your mother's visibly taken aback, her furious eyes that had seemed so sure before falter upon hearing your words. "What?"

Tears sting your eyes as you shake but you stand your ground. "If it disgusts you to have a daughter who loves a commoner, then I'll do you a favor, Lady (L/N)," you tell her, fishing for a coat in your closet, as well as the satchel that kept your locket and the makeshift palette Seokjin gifted you among other things. 

"You would leave the family for that boy?"

You could no longer bear the noose this life has around your neck. "A single inch of Kim Seokjin has made me feel more love, seen, and supported than you ever could," you claim, as you don on your coat. Another glare and you finally tell your mother the truth that you and your sisters have all been thinking of for years. "Your expectations and dreams have doomed us all to terrible, unhappy ends."

In many ways, your mother had killed all of you.

Jane, the eldest, while her husband was a good man, lives in his shadow. You like to think she was a genius, if she hadn’t been shackled to be a woman like all of you were. She longed to take care of the family estate and business herself, but that power’s been passed to her husband.

Anne—sweet Anne—who loved to read about plants, was married off to a count from a neighbouring kingdom. Your mother didn’t care about the rumors of his infamous infidelity—-didn’t care that your sister was doomed to be all alone, so far from home.

And, young Emma, whose imagination knows no bounds, wanted to write stories, but mother burned her manuscripts when she found out about her intentions to publish them.

"Everything I do, I do for all of you," your mother growled.

"You do it for yourself," your words smack her nearly as hard as she did. "You'd rather have our hearts and souls die to fit your perfect picture, than be happy."

"Happiness isn't everything—"

"I'd rather die than live without happiness."

This shocks her enough into silence that it gives you time to storm out of the room—of the estate. 

Seokjin’s eyes were wide as you told him of what had transpired that night. He seems as if he had something to say, but he withholds his words until you finish your side of the story.

The two of you walk in the night, side by side with a distance drawn by an invisible line between you both. “I came to the bakery the moment I left,” you tell him, “but even then, my misery doesn’t end.” 

That night, certain of your disownment, you made a run for the Kims' bakery. Imagine your surprise when you found the establishment abandoned. No more bread of all shapes, forms, and flavors displayed. No more gentle conversation between Mr and Mrs Kim. No more kind smiles to welcome you into the abode. 

Everything was gone. 

“I don’t know what happened,” you say, shivering yet again—this time from the cold. Seokjin wordlessly sheds his black overcoat, the silver threads embroidered into it glinting in the moonlight as he did. For a moment, you’re silent, words unable to escape you as he drapes his coat over your shoulders.

This makes it all the more difficult to meet his eyes, you forcing yourself to look at the forest ahead. “I…” you wet your lips as you ease your breathing. “I barely had any money with me, but one of our old maids thankfully took me in.”

Helen remains to be someone dear to your heart. “It was also her who helped me find something to make a living with,” you say, a soft smile on your face at the memory of going through town with Helen to look for jobs. In the end, she was able to help you become an assistant seamstress to a kind over to a dress shop. 

After months of working, you finally had enough to look for him where you last knew he was. “The first of my plans was to earn enough money to go to the capital,” you murmur, your smile fading at the memory of what took place there when you arrived. “Alas,” you bitterly laugh, “you weren’t there anymore.”

It took you days to even manage to ask a member of the royal kitchen staff about what happened to Seokjin, and as it turns out, he quit from his post some time after you were disowned. Next to you, Seokjin grimaces, sighing as he shakes his head. “I,” he stammers, “I had already been under a lot of pressure, and…”

It seemed to be his turn reminiscing. “My parents came to the capital all of a sudden,” he began, “they said Lady (L/N) told them to get out of the city at your request—said that you were getting married to another and you didn’t want anything that reminded you of me.”

Your heart dropped at the news. When did your mother orchestrate such a scheme?

You recall that before that night, the last you had seen of Mr and Mrs Kim had been a week or so. Had your mother known about you and Seokjin for much longer before you discovered her in your room? 

Tears return to your eyes, and you find yourself clutching Seokjin’s coat tightly in your hands. A newfound hatred for your mother burns in you, but a part of you still found fault in Seokjin’s predicament. “Seven years,” your words tremble. “I’ve waited seven years for you to come back—stayed a commoner here even as they slander me behind my back because I didn’t want you to not find me. Why didn’t you come for me sooner?” 

Until the end, you were your mother's disappointment. Even your youngest sister, who had no plans of getting married, was now with child, having gotten married to the heir to a publishing company last summer. You, on the other hand, denied any man who came to ask for your hand—who all told you how fortunate you were that they’re even asking a desolate spinster like you. 

You could feel Seokjin’s gaze from beside you, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to look into them and see what they held. A sigh resounds from him, so filled with regret and anguish. “I lost my way for a while,” he confesses, “when I heard your supposed husband was an heir, I was angry. I poured my heart and my time into making something of myself—I got back to the royal kitchen, I got employed under a ducal family, and then I delved into business.”

He looks up at the moon, like it’d give him more strength for his confessions. “I planned to come back here and show you all of that, I…” he shakes, “I wanted you to regret leaving me.”

You find it hard to imagine Kim Seokjin, who was always so mature and certain of himself, be so unsure and lost, and yet the emotions his words carry are proof of it. A part of you feels betrayed that he thought you would believe such a thing, but you know well how emotions can cloud a person’s reason.

The two of you came to a stop when he stood before you, seizing your hands yet again since the manor’s staircase. A hand came to tilt your chin towards him. “When I finally came here,” Seokjin earnestly looked at you, “I can’t begin to imagine the relief and joy I felt to find out you never got married at all, but I… I also know what a fool I’ve been.”

A glint of that well-known determination is in his eyes as he fishes for something pinned beneath his waistcoat. “When I saw you at the ball, I knew I had to at least try if I had even a small chance to be with you again.”

In his hands was his locket, one that revealed your eye in the midst of it. At that moment, your eyes yet again shine with tears—this time, happier than the previous ones. Your heart swells, not enough to quell your pain, but still enough to comfort your broken heart—to embrace it and say “I’m here, I’ll never leave again.”

Before you is a familiar view, you now realize it as you look around what surrounded you both. Walking down the memories of the past lead you to the place where you both shared most of it—the ruins. 

A small smile makes it to your lips. “Do you remember the last time we were here?” you ask him, and watch as he, too, came to recognize where you two were. The smile that befalls him is precious, as he nods. 

You find yourself squeezing his hand in yours, taking a step forward to lessen the gap between you both. You stare into his eyes—see how softly and kindly they gaze at you. “You are my only muse,” you say, echoing the words you told him seven springs ago as your fingers reach for the locket you kept tucked between your dress and corset. “The one who gave me strength amidst my misery.”

Seokjin encloses his right hand with yours, both of them containing your respective lockets, as he rests his forehead against yours, eyes fluttering close. “You’re my muse, too,” he swore under his breath as he leaned in and captured your lips in a tender kiss. 

You smile, the cracks in your heart slowly but surely being melded back together from his warmth.

Here you are, seven years have passed—Kim Seokjin very much alive and within arm’s reach, proving what you thought during that dreadful night to be true. You can never unlove him.

𝓽𝓪𝓰𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽 : @mwitsmejk​ @dreamamubarak​ @bloodline1632​

[roachemoji]

S2 05

Joyce byers put every single one of Will's drawings on the fucking fridge she has an ENDLESS supply of crayons and markers and I JUST NOTICED THE TAPE ON THESLEEVES

gOD Hes. DRENCHED

his bowl cut is so dry <3

MIKE IS TRYING TO MAKE HIM FEEL SO MUCH BETTER AUGASKHDJH

also are the Byers just ALWAYS sitting to the left of Nancy/Mike i cant remember their last name rn but ?? For some reason theyre like ALWAYS on their left???

HOPPER WEN TINTO THE SHIT HOLE FUCKING ROOTS KNOWING DAMN WELL THE UD IS POISONOUS BC HED BEEN THER EBFEORE AND JUST DIDNT THINK ANYTHING WOUL DHAPPEN?????????? SIR

AUGUAHDHKJASKJHD KJHADS NOW EL IS GONNA HAVEA KHTUHSADL HARKDJSHF SK

THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS !!!! I ADSHASDLKJH im sorry i cant accept romance unless theyre polyam i don't make the rules

KSJHKSJDFHSDFKJH ONLY A MONTH

HIS LITTLE HOOD AND SLEEPING BAGGGG EeverY time i see Joyuce with a phone and stuff IM JUST!! LIKE !! GIRL WALK AWAY ITTS GONNA EXPLODE

dONT!!! say THATTT about my dad hes gonna be OKAY

Im entering this space now with the knowledge that something is gonna happen to Bob I just know it and im grieving him already he hasnt even shown up in this episode yet or the last one buT IM GREIVING MY IDEA OF THIS PERFECT HAPPY MAN WHOMST I ADORE

NOT THE CIGARETTE BREAD CRUMBSSSSS AKJHDALKDJASK JH

give that bitch a nicotine addiction

LUCAS' FAMILLLYYYYYYY I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND LUCAS JUST BEING ABLE TO LEAVE A MEAL LIKE THAT????

GIRLLLL NOT YOUR CAT IM SO SORRY !!!!!! This is the first time that Dustin's done something that i JUST LIKE I UNDERSTAND I GET IT obviously not wanting to upset his mom BUT,,,, baby boy ..... you gotta clean that up now .... you gotta bury that ????

HOW do they handle a second uh. DIAHDkjhd Egg beast. D'art.

IM ALSO KINDA SORRY TO D'ARTANGAN HE'S... ACTUALLY JUST A BABY WHO DOESN TKNOW ANY BETTER HES JUST DOING WHAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO!!!!!

EL girl did you HITCHHIKE ????? YOURE. insanely fucking lucky holy fUCK??? i mean she could have exploded them but STILL ????

Is that the same hosue that Hopper and Joyce visited??? I don't remember it being .... Like this ????? IS SHE GONNA EXPLODE THE DOOR EL PLEASE YOU CANT JUST DO TTHAT okay nvm that was more peaceful

OOASDIAKDJAHKJD Im assuming that Terry is repeating something she saw and wanted desperately to remember and ik the lab room with the kids in it has rainbows on walls or th epain kind alooks like that BUT ????? its SOMETHING obviously

THIS bALDING man. i LOVE when theres always a guy who'se like oh I know EVERYTHING you dont even KNOW and they.... actually know don't shit

MONSTER HOUSE LOOKIN' ASS IS BACKKKKKK

PULLING A FAST ONE ON MAX FOR LUCASSSSS i take it this is when he's YEAHHH GONNA TELL HER THE TRUTH ABOUT WILL !!!!!!!!! AND EL !!!!!!!!

Max is still giving me baby egg vibes

LUCAS IS SUCH A STORY TELLLERRRRRRRR

KSJHKSJDHFLKSDJ JOYCE LOOKING ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE IT LOOKS INSANE AND BOOOBBBBB BO BO IM

ME NOT READY FOR WAHTEVER HAPPENS TO/WITH HIM !!!!!!!! he is BEYOND SWEET and he jUST wants to help he wants to help so bad i ador ehim i adORE HIM

THE PUZZLE MASTER HAS ARRIVEDDD

HES SO CONCERNED HE'S SO LOVING AND HES TRYING SO HARD NOT TO ASK QUESTIONS AND THEN HE'S IMMEDIATELY LIKE OH WAIT FUCK NVM I GET IT

H OPPER BIRTHING HIMSELF OUT THE TUNNE LLL where the fuck is he ... gonna come out of im gonna lose my mind if it's near Dustin

FUCKING ERIKKAAAAA I LOVE HERRRRR DAKJDHAKSJD

im still so skeptical of Terry and El's relationship and this being home and whats wrong with Terry and IM LIKE AKJSDASLDJALSKDJH idk what to think or whats the truth i gotta wait to watch more so i understand more theories and shit bc i dont even knoWWW HWO HALF THE CHARACTERS ACTUALLY AREEE

but something just feeLLSS WRONNGGGGG like .... ,,,,,,,

IS SHe stuck in the UD like Will??????

BOOOBBBBBB HES SO. I AM GONNA LOSE MY MIND WHEN WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS TO HIM EM I AM GONNA BE SO UPSET I HATE THAT YOU LEFT ME :)))))))))) WITH TTHAT AN DNOTHING ELSE

I want to do cocomellon shit to Ted's brain (negative) (explodes him) (explodes him) (explodes him)

IS THIS WHEN STEVE ADOPTS THE CHILDREN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW CLOSE HE AND DUSTIN GET THIS IS IMPORTANT I LOVE DUSTIN SO MUCH I AM GOGIAHSD LOSING MY MIND

Hopper IS you gIVE UP i fyou paSS OUT IF YOU DIE ANYTHING IM GONNA . IDEK . AUUGGHGHHAKSDJASIUHDASKJDH

MAXXXXX GIRL I MEAN YOURE SO RIGHT FOR NOT BELIEVING IT AKSJDHASKDJH BUT GIRLLLLL PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ohhaSDKJADH

EXPLODES BILLY WITH MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is this the Russian plot that i've seen mentioned a few times or is there more like the ,,,, the lab doing their best to be like ooOoOooOOO The Stinky Russians Will Get THeir Hands On It ,,,,, Cold war bullshit ??????? or is there an ACTUAL russia plot

This guy is RIGHT to insist that like you know you gotta convince people that you're telling the truth - but AKJSDHAKSJDH HS SO ASKJHDKAJH FUCKING FUNNY

oh yeah i dont think dirt's supposed to do that KJSDHKJDSHFKSJDFH

TERRY HELLO GIRL OH did she? actually miscarry???? okay okay c section baby that is VERY alive OH BUT THEY TOLD HER THAT THE BABY DIDN'T MAKE IT. YEAH SEQUENCE OF EVENTS JUST LIKE I THOUGHT. OH THE RAINBOW ROOM IS THAT !!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS THE GIRL FROM THE FIRST SEASON

EXPLODES HIM EXPLODES HIM EXPLODES HIM EXPLODES HIM EXPLODES HIM EXPLODES HIM EXPLODES HIM

BOB IS TRYING SO HARD OOAIFUAKDHS ADKLHFKHJSDA

OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY

CRASH THE CAR BREAK THINGS ITS FINE

BOB DOESNT EVEN ASKDJHAKSDJH KNOWWWWWW HES JUST GOING ALONG WITH IT

IF HE

HE

ASKDHJ

THE

HE

AHAHSKDASKJH

HES JUST GOING ALONG WITH IT HE JUST HE LOVES JOYCE SO MUCH ANDHE TURSTS HE EVEN IF HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHATS GOING ON !!!!!!!!!! HE JUMPED INTO THE HOLE TOO I JUST GOD I ADORE HIM SO MUCH IF HE. IF HE GE,,,,,, IF SOETMHGISNSD HAPPENS TO HiM I tNIS HSAE

I AM FRAGILE. I AM FRAGILE. I AM FRAGILE.

WHO THE FUCK !!!!!!!!!! IS THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHITE VANS COMING FOR KIDS AGAIN FUCKING ON THE NOSE BULLSHIT

PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PPOISDFJLKD I AM MAKING THE SAME NOISE AS THE VINES IM JUST MAKING SOUNDS AND SCREECHING

ASKDASDHKSJHFDSKJHF BOB ISNT EVEN JEALOUS LIKE GOOD FOR HIM GOOD FOR HIM GOOD FOR HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BRO THE . FACE WILLIS M AIKGING AKSDJHASKJHFD OG DFKH STOP

IT FROZE ON IT

IT FU CKING DROZE ON HIM MAKING THE FACE STOP

THERE IS. music? at theending but its not a SONG it's like a half in the UD and half not ????? ig bc it closed on Will seizing and his connection to the vines that are no longer "in" the UD?

(also bob is safe i live free another day)

Stranger Things S2 01

this is just me live blogging watching ST none of my thoughts are v coherent enjoy <3

STARTING OFF REAL INTERESTING BUT REAL TALK when you have like a cool haircut how do you expect not to be found if u do a crime???? LIKE I LOVE YOUR MOHAWK AND I GET IT U DONT WANT TO COVER IT BC OBVIOUSLY BUT!!!!

this is NOT the focus obviously its about the fact theres other kids from the lab BUT AKSHDAKSJDKH

DUSTINNNN!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IM SO GLAD WE'RE STARTING ON HIM KISS KISS KISS

not the reagan sign STOP STOP ITS BEEN 2 SECONDS I HATE TED THATS HIS NAME RIGHT FIGHT KILL DESTROY BITE BITE BITE BITE

also the boys have grown SO MUCH !!!!!!! i forget there was actual real time between when these were filmed KSJHD im so excited to see Will and his perpetual bowl cut

JOYCE MY MOM!!!!!!!!!! SHES SO PRETTY AND SO CONCERNED I JUST LOVE HER

THE CHIP EATING DUDE FUCKING !!!! REMINDS ME OF THAT FUCKER FROM MONSTER HOUSE???????

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE REMINDS ME OF THIS ASKJDHASKJHDKAJSH

Will is so tiny ..... and little? oh hes being teleported into the fucking upside down again baby boy im so fucking sorry also ilu but why would you just walk outside away from wher eyour friends WERE to look at the horrifying shit world you were trapped and almost died in ????? aSDKJH

Im gonna have to DM you on discord or something so i can properly save all the things you have to say about the timelines and how the Russian shit plays into that because was anyone calling El (im assuming he's referring to her) is Russian??? IK this is possibly the third (?) timeline we've seen (genuinely let me know if i can do that its ok if not i forget tumblr has Dms)

ALSO WHO IS THIS GUY IM CRYING HES!!! WHAT A PI??? WHO ARE YOU

NANCY AND STEVE ALSO BESTIES IM CRYING STEVE IS hes trying so hard are they dating my brain is so full of queer shit that im so deadset on platonic hetero relationships - i paused for one second and unpaused and they kissed SO THAT ANSWERS MY QUESTION

idk what relationships to pay more attention to bc the dynamic between Mike and El interests me the most because of how compulsory everything feels and how El is going to navigate a completetly new environment and how Mike will cope with that? (im assuming its not well)

OH is this the !!! the guy that i see people talk about all the time YEAHHH THE BLOND MULLET MAN AND MAX what the fuck is his name Billy??? He looks trans

CRYING AT CHECKING OUT H IS ASS GIRL WAHT ASS HES FLAT HE HAS NOTH ING AKDSHASKHDKAJSH and those jeans are supposed to be supporting cheeks

I love Mr Clark so much and everyone who looks bored in his class just doesnt GET IT

BUT ALSO MAX I GET IT QUEEN the boys all staring are so good I FORGET THEY GO AS THE GHOST BUSTERS FOR HALLOWEEN

JOYCE MY MOM WHO IS THIS GUY HES??? GOOFY AND SHES SO HAPPY ??? BOB !!! i have no initial bad opinions of him bc hes silly and goofy and he makes Joyce so happy and she deserves to be SO SOSOS OS HAPPY and nothing but happy

IF i have to endure another god damn Hopper flash back im gonna throw up and scream and cry and lose my mind and I won't recover and I'll never come back

Im in call while I watch this episode because i really wanted to get through while and actually use my brain bc i don't that often - but my roommates bird is sitting next to her mic and farting really really softly into it and its making me lose my fucking mind

CORN MAZES WHEN YOURE TALL LOOK SO EASY AND LESS SCARY WHENEVER IM IN A FUCKING CORN MAZE ITS TERRIFYING AND I CANT SEE SHIT BC IM LIKE 2 FEET TALL

NANCCYCYY AND JOHNANATHANANSDNSAKDJ BESTIES BESTIES BESTIES BEST FRIENDS IM MAKING THEM A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET ITS THEIR FAVORITE COLOURS AND THEY NEVER TAKE THEM OFF

ADN STEVE TOO!!! IM SORRY YOURE A THIRD WHEEL BUT its the start of season 2 how do we feel about polyam relationships between them where the audience for that point me in the correct direction

DUSTIN IS RIGHT ALSO I LOVE HIM i love his little hats - MAX IS ALSO RIGHT

God i feel so ba for Will like to be??? singled out like that especially in elementary school? hell.

WHERE ARE THEY GOING TOGETHER WHAT IS HAPPENING ISNT THIS THE LAB ??? ougHHH THAt needle sound was unecessary

REALLY starting to see how this might be a different timelinei have no idea how ???? Joyce would.... trust them??? UNLESS THIS IS A HOSPITAL no its not ho films ina fucking hospital like this

also theyre mentioning the upside down

I understand needing to go back to the only place that fully understands that it exists and you need a place to talk to someone and also monitor him physically without being dismissed as insane - but i dont understand how Joyce OR Hopper would trust the Lab again after everything happened??????

I'm glad that he's actually getting help, and im glad that Joyce and Hopper are there to make him feel safe and support him given everything but !!!!!

this iS THE. He has PTSD. when did they get the word to describe that akjhaskjdh NVM HE JUST SAID IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO IS PRETENDING LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL HELPFUL BC IT SURE THE FUCK IS N OT FOR ME ????????? also who is this DR hes kinder but "i need you to trust me" to JOYCE AFTER THE BRENNER SHIT ???

also them NOT MENTIONING IT WHEN THEY LEAVE BUT JOYCE UPSET ABOUT THE WHOLE "i need you to trust me" THING B UT NOT BRINIGN UP BRENNER?????? susususususus timeline shit anyway EM @ me tell me wahts up kiss kiss mwuah mwuah

OH they've upped their guinea pig game on entering the upside down and the gatelooks fucking uglier and uglier LOVE THE TORCH glad it works but no wonder the gate looks angry???

DUSTINNN I LOVE H IM I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

ough i have a feeling her older brother is gonna ..... trigger me a lil but we'll get through it

THEM BOTH HAVING A CRUSH ON HER!!!!!

If YouR fRiEnD jUmPs OfF a ClIfF 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

THEYRE GOING OVER TO HAVE DINNER WITH BARBS FAMILY STOP STOP STO PST OPST OPST IM GONNA CRY Oh they hired a P.I okay yeah the bald guy he..... HIS CARD STOPPPPP

realizing they defenitely can't tell her parent's what actually happened to her an di hate that im gonna oaufkahd girl im so sorry im so sorry im so osrry UPSET BC SHE AS A CHARACTER DID NOT DESERVE TO DIE I WISH THEY HADN'T DONE HER DIRTY LIKE THAT

all the photos of her would make me so ill to look at like god NANCYYY THE GUILT AND B LAME GIRLIEEEE

also Mike rebelling after experiencing that kind of trauma and losing Will and El even though Will came back he's not the same of corse he's struggling - calling it with the !!!! WALKIE TALKIEEEE girl i miss her too

YEAHHH ITS dustiNNNN BUT HE AKSHDKAJSH

DUSTINNN IM KAHSDKJH I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HES SO SILLY !!!!!!!!!!!!! HES THE SILLY IN MY HEART

HONESTLY props to him again for not like invesigating something that was probably gonna be HORRIBLE he'd survive a horror movie

JOYCEEEEE IN MY FAV SHIRT SHES SO KISS KISS KISS KISS

Johnathan is such a good brother bro BUT ALSO WILL IS SO RIGHT I GET IT I GET IT I UNDERSTAND TREATING IT LIKE ITS NORMAL MAKES IT WORSE !!!! SOMETHING HAPPENED PLEASE ACKNOWLEGE THAT and JOHANATHANNN HES THE FREAK AND A WEIRDO

STOPA SDADKSHJ iT S THAT WHY YOU DONT HAVE ANY FRINEDS SHUT UP STOP STOP /POS

BOB i love you so far and ik that being a step parent in these situation (even tho hes only dating Joyce its the same) is so hard especially when there are kids involved BUT YOURE DOING SUCH A GOOD JOB

AND THEYRE ALL WATCHING THE MOVIE TOGETHER AHHH

ew the phone the trigger GIRL YOU GOT THIS ITS OKAY ITS OKAY BUT ALSO THATS SUCH A HORRENDOUS RINGTONE WHAT THE FUCK

love me a tech who accidentally ignores the alarms going off (i couldnt hear the song playing it feels important - unintentially placing importance on all the music in this show now thank u em)

OohuaAHDAKJH OH WILL IS GONNA get ,,,,, yoinked back again isn't he ouguhadhAKHDJS interesting that it really only affects the *outside* like doors are now portals in a way ? i cant remember if it affected the inside of the arcade immediately or not

OH MIST LOOKING MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wood Waffle Hours !!!!!!!!!! OH NO CABIN HOURS??? IS SHE. IS SHE. BIG EYE BALL EMOJIS LET ME SEE MY GIRL LET ME SEE THE BABY GIRL !!!! this entire scene makes it seem like shes a fucking AKSJDHA freak ass creature

HER HAIRRRRR SHES SO CUTE STOPPPP HOPPERS LITTLE SMILE IM TEARING UP AND CRYING ACTUALLY LOOK AT THEM LOOK AT THEM LOOKA T THEM OUGHHAHAHHHHHHHH IM HEAVING

thank u for reading these were my thoughts

[aroaceconfessions]

im feeling kinda bad rn, so imma just, vent in here a bit

so, last winter vacations i discovered i was aroace, and it has been one of the coolest things that has happened to me, because everything made so much sense, and i felt so, so happy to know that my experiences were not weird or unique to me, and now that i knew, i could change my life for the better.

I was so excited to share this with my friends, and to be able to explain on detail why this made me so happy, and how did i experienced life.

then i got scared, cuz some of my friends have done stuff that, in retrospective, was aphobic, and it hurt me then, but now knowing all this new stuff about myself, hurted more

so, i decided i was coming out just to a few, and i had it all planed

the first girl to who my came out wasn't as intended, but it was okay. She is my best friend, and during vacations she gets depressed, and that day she was feeling awful, she felt like she was going to suffer from the loneliness she felt on that moment all her life, because she has never had a good and genuine romantic relationship.

so i was talking to her, and trying to make her feel lovable, i said all the things i found cool about her, and how she was such and important person for me, and that i loved her a lot.

then she said something like "yea, but it's not romantic love :/" and, i wanted to make her feel like other kinds of love are important, and that romance isn't everything in life, that she could be happy even if she didn't have a romantic partner.

(all of this without making her feelings less, i also told her that she is a big deal, and that anybody would be lucky to date her, and that someone eventually was going to)

so i came out to her, in a "there's a lot of people that are full without romantic and sexual love, so you can be full too, and then when you get a romantic partner, you will be happy and with a plus, like putting glitter on a cool drawing!"

it went well, and im happy i came out to her

but the other times were not so great.

the other times i wanted it to be about how i felt, i wanted it to be kind of special to me (ofc not saying that i was disapointed that the first time wasnt about me, i just wanted at least one of the rest to be how i wanted it to be)

so i decided trying different stuff each time. like coming out with a joke, an sticker, i was going to fucking paint an As card of the asexual colors, i was going to wear a black and a white ring, i was going to do a lot of cool stuff

but i wanted to test the waters with another friend, to see if some of them even knew ace existed

and, uh, i picked her because she was openly pan, and she felt safe, and wow, she is the one that says the most accidental aphoboc stuff out of all my friends

but i'll get to that

first, i had a bunch lf conversations of me trying to get her to understand what i was saying, and i was so fucking obvious but she just, didn't get it??

I- okay, once we were talking (with the first person i came out to btw) about their past crushes and such, and she asked for mine, and i said "oh, i havent have one, i dont really get those feelings"

and it became a very awkard me-trying-to-explain-that-im-aroace and-she-didnt-understanding-me conversstion, and my other friend jus sat there watching (that last thing was okay tho, she was still kind of down)

so i let it be, and tried to come out to another friend

this one was with a joke, and it was both great and awful

It was something like

*she making a pan joke about how she plays for the other side*

*me making a joke about how i dont have a side*

she: *inmediate understanding that im ace*

And we didnt talk about it, of how i was aro as well, because another friend arrived and aaaaaaaaa

im so mad about it lol

The next one was a f u c k i n g a c c i d e n t

A friend i was so not coming out to made a comment about a classmate being ace, and i said, damn same OUT LOUD, WHEN I THOUGHT I DID THAT ON MY FUCKING MIND

only she and the first friend i came out to where there, but it was a "oh shit" moment, i fucked up so badly

she saw my oh sit face, and said that it was okay, that she was demiace

and then there's the weird stuff

i told ALL my friends how cool it was that on a bday party with middleschool friends, they all acted so normal about me nlt having crushes, like "ah yea, we know u havent ever had one :)", cuz it felt so nice

and i thought it was not going to click to them that i was aroace just because of that one random story i told them because

a) they were d e n s e, like the second girl i tried to come out to, i had already been making subtle jokes about my aroaceness, and NO ONE UNDERSTOOD, and i counted with that everytime i did a joke. i did them carefully, not wanting to out myself, but enjoying my recently discovered identity

b) i phrased it so carefully and casual, and we changed the topic so quick, and no one asked me anything or gave any sign of have just witnessed someone coming out to them

but like, a week later, they all knew?????

and they didnt said anything to me

they just

knew

and somethimes they'll just trow a joke about my aroaceness and i'll be like ???????

for example, there was this time they were talking about crushes and one of them said something like "jaja [my name] is inmune"

and ??????

hello????

how do u know that????

I'm 80% sure the friend i came out on accident outed me to all my friends

and that they talked about me behind me, asking the questions i had the right to answer, but instead they'll just, speculate or something

and it sucks, mostly because i didnt got to explain my boundaries, and they are so fucking open about it

at this rate, im surprised the entire school doesnt know!

and a bunch of sruff that msde me uncomfortable (aka: how i didnt get to talk to them about how much they hurted me when they pressured me to date this guy, how they'll bring their partners to hang outs even if the partner wasn't invited, how the ones with a partner would kiss infront of me, how i felt i was less important that the partners even if we had been friends for way longer than the time they knew the partner, stuff like that)

just, hasn't changed, because i never got to talk about it

and now i wish i just came out to the first friend, and i wish i could made them forget

specially since if i got a partner now (a qpp is what i want, but i would be okay dating an allo, just, i'd have to explain to them all the stuff i didn't get to explain to my friends) they'll fucking invalidate me, i can feel them judging me and thinking to themselves "oh, she was not for real, she has a relationship woth someone!"

aáaaaaaa it suckssss

i cant even say someone is pretty, cuz i have to watch my steps and avoid anything that might make them think im not aroace enough

im not even sure they understand how split attraction works, im so done

if u read all that, advice is appreciated :)

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 111

sigh~~~ I feel that my recent posts are a bit negative towards the anime, but thats cuz the chapters I’ve read so far are either unbelievably important character depth content cut for no valid reason or content in the anime but packed with million other things that it lost its purpose or importance. Basically tohu’s ep 6 which consists of 4 chapters & now ep 5 which is a momiji ep & yup, packed with 4 chapters as well... so, I apologize for any negativity, my intention is just analyzing artistic & story-telling aspects, I love se03, but yeah it screwed up lots of important characters due to its not so thorough plot decisions & harmful character insight choices.

today.. we explore Momiji... but only before his curse breaks.

Furuba anime struggling to know how to design an episode based on various plot-heavy chapters?

so, they decided 13 eps, & decided one ep for momiji cuz motoko’s graduation & the fanclub is the core of the furuba & have already cut tons of tohru, cuz who cares? she’s kind. be like her. end of lesson. No. really, jokes aside, how to do this?

How to combine several chapters in one ep? collect small snippets from chosen chapters/content like a bee does flowers? you gotta skip some content, you gotta highlight others. The ep is only 20 min after all & you got an op & Ed that you cant always skip.... so.. furuba team decide that momoji’s ep should be true to his zodiac animal, this is the rabbits last appearance in spirit. so, they went with quick hopping from one chapter to the other like a rabbit?

No really, ep 5 is really like a rabbit in its flow, you can’t savior a moment enough before jumping to the other: we learned momiji grew up!! loves toheu romantically, challenged kyo, really meant it, wanted a fair love game, got freed, lost tohru romantically & faced momiji! but that’s not all? we still have space!! quick add akito’s moodiness & love triangle with her dog & her submissive bed partner, add a happy comedy for no reason whatever & make shigue kiss tohru & wish shes 'was his lover instead!!!!!!!!! Mind you all this happened in the anime before shigure hurt tohru with his “the truth of the zodiacs talk & them accepting & feeling consolance that kyo is doomed”talk. 

-Gets whats my biggest surprise after reading this chapter ?????????

Shigure is consistent!! He isnt a rabbit hopping here & there. The dog is loyal & is tired for good reason! Him being depressed & his weird talk with thoru makes so much sense given the manga’s order.

Kyo is consistent!! In the anime, momiji surprise him with confession he loves tohru & challenge him, then kyo la~la~la~joins them downstairs for curry. Not a single expression on his face, where is the expression? it will appear when the plot is forced to address it: by the end of the ep when momiji face hin again. Then we get kyo’s reaction.

I need someone to tell the anime that actions require a reaction. You can refrain from showing a certain reaction if you can’t address it now, but you can’t erase it, negate it, then make it appear when have to!!!! couldn’t they make kyo refuse to join them & eat together? the     other characters wont be surprised they think he’s needlessly moody. The audience will know that kyo is troubled with momiji’s challenged & it will excite them!!! having kyo just go eat & watch the momiji/hiro/haru/yuki comedy skit is weird.

The manga’s author wanted kyo to join the dinner, like the anime did. but huge difference. the author actually cares for logic reaction & understands that the audience aren’t dumb little kids that will sit & wait for kyo’s turn to...react! nope! she did this: (a) & (b) below.

-Lost Small Bits/ Panels from the chapter.. But Sadly Big Huge Chunks for Characters buildup & Growth:

(a) addressed the fact the hiro noticed kyoru is in love & dressed that shigure was right!! the cat being in love is a weird concept to the zodiacs! hiro reacted naturally & the author used hiro to flesh yuki’s (the rat), momiji’s (the rabbit) & haru’s (the cow) decision to silently watch the kyo (the cat) makes his own decisions to live!!! They won’t interfere or tell akito or remind him of his state as the doomed caged cat. So sad this moment is cut from yuki. Why must yuki only interact with kyo to beat him (all seasons)? why must yuki only think of kyo to envy him (all seasons) ? Here, yuki’s growth towards kyo as a person & his relationship with tohru is 1000 times better than all tohru is my mom’s sh!t & I envy kyo’s Sh!t we saw in the anime over & over till we memorized it.

(b) kyo didnt just go la~la~eat with momiji after knowing he loves tohru. Nope, there’s small bits missing: called logical emotional reaction. He was surprised he’s caught pining over tohru! cuz yuki, the audience representative, has told us in the previous chapter that ppl in love dont notice anything around them. Kyo thinks him being cold hid his feelings. the dummy’s feelings are as bright as the sun in the Sahara, tohru too. a child read her! such small thing that wont take much space from the ep but was cut cuz kyo only needs to be responsive at the ep’s end. & this scene of kyo & tohru looking awkwardly at each other is minor in space but so important cuz kyo is determined to let go but his decision is challenged by not only momiji, but his natural attraction to tohru. Here he knows he’s caught & exposed... here he knows momiji is a better choice for tohru cuz he wont didn’t hurt her mom... here he knows that even yuki is better cuz never had to pretend to be cold to her... here he knows the world is better than him... & here he just cant help by smile & walks towards her... T_T ... another lesson in writing slow burns by Takaya-san.

-Why would the anime team pass on this?? drawing kyoru closer after the epic tear in Cinderella ep, cuz they want empty suspense~! The anime team thinks that if kyo & tohru stand next to each other, then it means all their issues are solved & the audience are so stupid as to forget tohru’s mom, kyo’s imprisonment, kyo not confessing his sins to tohru & tohru’s need to make a choice wether to fogive hom or not.. nope! you see, they think, ppl who read mangas are smart, so the author can give this epic symbolism & pp would still be not sure kyoru is end game & tohru will forgive him or kyo even fogive himself, but ppl who watch, oh no, gotta cut all the plot worthy content, produce a graduation song for a minor character, cut all kyo/tohru interaction cuz it only means romance & not at all character depth & oh if we show yuki actually formulating deep thoughts that aren’t centered around him, the audience might forget his se02 struggles! or that might ruin yuki’s upcoming growth moment in the finale where he .. you guessed it hits kyo.. as he always do & sulk &  think abt himself cuz yuki can only do monologues when he’s directly involved.... man~it is so sad how the anime is dumped down.. Who is the target audience again? not kids as young as hiro cuz even hiro is smart!

-just look:

 Momiji talks abt kyo shouldn't give up loving tohru & the authr shows this this ghost!!! his mom! The author reminds us that kyo isnt da~~~~ forgetting anything. He’s a deeply troubled soul & hos mom wants him locked cuz she too was locked in a cage & thinks that’s safer...why oh why you dump ur own story! sh!t~

Side Notes:

I like the closeups on Kisa’s face as she interacted with kyo. It’s very rare for kisa to have a world beside the endearing parental/big protective bro/big doting sister love she has with tohru & haru & off course the romantic love with hiro which was perhaps since their birth or sth. lol.  Kisa & kyo arent much on the brotherly side as they rarely interact, but its one of those  refreshing  interactions she has that helps cast a new light on her as tiny as it is,  but its sth out of the norm around her. She sees him  around tohru & gets to perceive his true unprovoked character. “He is  nice guy”.

I really wanted to punch kureno this chapter.. like Shigure is a jerk shitty dog for sleeping with akito’s mom but kureno... dude.. you submissively sleep with the guy’s eternal love interest & still walks in on him talking to her!!! lol. you’re mentally, emotionally & physically weaker than him & yet, she puts you on her bed, not him & you, tho not wanting her at all, dont walk away. No wonder shigure is defeated & wishing for someone like tohru, lol! Even if shigure met an older tohru-like person, it wont work. shigure deserve someone like him mean, schemer & loves playing power games. Tohru is someone who values honesty & commutation, not saying she’s an angel on earth, but tohru knows who suits her.. except fate is saying: NO. .... currently. lol.

I know kureno’s weakness is part of his character & I love that such characters exits. There are ppl ike that in real life. It’s just this chapter, I felt shigure’s frustration. XD

Yuki in this ep is the best yuki. no exaggeration here, I love when yuki is calmly thoughtful of others & here its kyo of all ppl !!!! cutting this scene is sad.. without it, kyo & yuki remain a cat & rat in the anime. Only ever thinking abt each other thro envious binoculars or hateful words or yuki giving kyo comedic hitting or life’s problem-solving hitting. Why can’t anime yuki be interactive outside his self-centered issues is beyond me.

Momiji & kyo’s interactions are always the best! whether comedy or drama.

I hated the curry cooking scene in the anime... so weirdly out of the ep’s flow.. very forced comedy... in the manga it had a purpose! not just quick add comedy cuz next shot momiji curse breaks & drama & we’ll close the ep with tears & sadness & glimpses of hope...

I love haru’s answer to hiro... so him.. “a guy can’t fall in love?”so chill.. so..simple.

[a-slut-for-smut]

But AoT wasn’t about romance and any ship was developed that way. I love LxM to an almost unhealthy point but I don’t think the story ever pointed them as canon. I would have love to and I understand why they are the best possible couple, but canon was never an option considering the type of story.

Hi Anon!

I'm assuming this is in response to my previous ask, and I agree with you in that AoT wasn't about romance- up until the very last chapter where Isayama literally said "SIKE, its was a love story the whole time suckers!!!" It seriously came out of nowhere so its no surprise a major chunk of the fandom...uh, let's just say found the ending "unsatisfying".

Ugh still can't get over how Isayama thought Eren going "OMG i love you soooo much besties, i would totally commit worldwide genocide for you, teehee! oh and PS i loved Mikasa the whole time despite never showing it beyond some basic concern in life & death situations" would be the best possible choice to end the story????fuckkk ive never cringed so hard or been more embarrassed for someone in my LIFE

As for whether RM would be canon- the practical side of me agrees with you. But as a reminder when it comes to shipping, my ovaries steer the wheel, not my brain LOL. A lot of fandom enjoyment is the shipping aspect, so it's difficult to overlook- you know what i mean? But yes, afterall AoT is a shounen manga and it would be remiss of me if i said the age gap wouldnt be a point of contention amongst the fandom, even if their character profiles aligned so well together.

However, at the same time i think we can all agree AoT certainly pushed the envelope when considering your standard shounen manga, so maybe...?? Also what is one supposed to think when Isayama had all these distinct (and i dare day, blatant) RM parallels & mutual character-building interactions (pre-Ackerman reveal)? I dunno do i sound crazy here???

Of course now we know and as ive said, it was for some unexplored/hand-wavey explanation as to why they were Gary Stu/Mary Sue super soldiers. And it didnt help that nearly zero RM interactions in last arc. As far as canon tho I never once expected them to be shown explicitly together (I can credit Isayama for being brave but not that brave LOL, he is also self-admittedly a coward when drawing romantic scenes) but maybe a open ended/wink wink nudge nudge sort of thing? Speaking of romance tho i do kind of have a RM prompt that would adhere to the canon/canon ships that in my mind would do all the characters justice. If anyone is interested in reading that, LMK!

Anyway this was a bit of a ramble and I know im straddling the line here but what can i say other than fuck canon the (shipper's) heart wants what the heart wants :D

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

It's already asshole enough that Clem can tell him "Fuck you" when he tries to apologize, like what kind of jerk would choose that option?? (only the players deliberately doing an asshole-run I hope). And even then, Louis is STILL not rude to Clem, all he says is "it's not like it was easy to keep you here, shit, I never meant to hurt you guys" and such before he leaves all sad. Doesn't stop him from still asking Clem to join him later, and gotta appreciate the detail that they remember you being a jerk to him as he will add "If we're back on speaking terms that is", and is surprised if you follow him and says he didnt expect it, but he's glad you did!

Louis is in conclusion just a cinnamon roll who deserves nothing bad happening to him period, the only canon ending to me is when he is romanced and/or saved (since his friendship scenes are really cute too) and alive at the end 😭

This should be obvious but I'm gonna say it anyway- I hate the "fuck you" option after he apologizes to you during the archery scene. You can't pick that option and then pretend like you still like him. Sorry, but no. I can't with that, and it boggles my mind that some would choose to say that and still go through his romance? I mean, unless you're just playing it to see what happens which fair enough, sometimes people do asshole runs and that's fine. I'm more so side-eyeing everyone who purposely choose all the "fuck you" type options just to be an asshole to him. I'm not here for it.

And okay, looking at that route and Louis' responses is valuable if you're trying to understand his character better, and his reactions to those choices do say a lot about him....... but I still hate that choice hahaha

So yeah, going back to the concept of carving a dick on Lou's piano [which is what anon is referring to with "that option"] there is no point for that option, it would've been a waste of time, and I'm glad the writers saw that and quickly scrapped it.

Plus, they weren't gonna do a rejection route [which I still believe they should've done but I totally understand the decision given the budget and everything else going down at Telltale at the time] so if they kept that choice to draw a dick around your initials.... he would've still accepted your confession no matter what and that is just so out of character.

The amount of disrespect in such an action would've just been the cherry on top of the shit sundae, especially if you told him to fuck off. Hell, I still think he should've rejected you anyway if you told him to fuck off during his apology. Like.... the whole "I'm an asshole to you but secretly I like you which means I don't have to apologize or change my shitty behavior" thing isn't cute.

He wouldn't be mean about rejecting you, he'd still want to try and work things out but right now? You couldn't offer to hear his side of things even though after EVERYTHING that went down, he went through the effort of doing that for you? even though he acknowledged that voting you out was the wrong thing to do, he admitted his flaws and wants to be better, he didn't want to hurt you but he was hurting and didn't know what else to do? you're not gonna put in the effort with him? then you don't deserve him and he isn't going to accept your romantic confession.

I do feel like if the writers had another episode, if they had more time and budget to flesh things out and weren't going through Telltale closing down, they could've done something interesting with the concept of accepting/rejecting your romantic confession based on how you treat your love interest. But, due to everything, it was "okay, we introduce the love interests in ep1 and let the player get to know them for two episodes, but the romance they choose, if they do, HAS to be initiated in ep2 or they miss out on it, nothing we can do about that, just gotta make it work even if it feels rushed."

Anyway, we're agreed on your conclusion haha. I adore Louis, he is alive and feeling loved at Clementine's side, that's my canon 💚

[juyeoniemyhoney]

can this morning never end

Namjoon is the most beautiful human being to ever walk the earth. It is natural that you have a crush on him. You expect that eventually, your feelings will die out but then, you find yourself squealing uncontrollably outside of the library that you and Namjoon had agreed to meet at for your pair-work assignment. You have always watched Namjoon from afar. It surprises you when you find out that Namjoon has been observing you too. Well, there’s a first for everything. 

-pairing: Kim Namjoon x reader

-genre: FLUFF, a lil bit of angst, high school/secondary school au (where i live high school is called secondary school;-;)

-warnings: vulgarities, pretty self-depreciating writing if im gonna be honest so be weary, Namjoon is a little bit of a simp for oc in this one, the ending is lowkey shit rip im sorry

-word count: 3208 words

-A/N: hi hi im back, this time with a Namjoon fic. i havent been writing a lot because im so preoccupied with my exams. in all honesty, i shouldnt be writing at all but i have absolutely no sense of self control, so i wrote this. it’s not my best but i really like how joon’s so soft in this so i decided to post it anyway. don’t be afraid to tell me how you liked (or didnt like) this imagine! and requests are open! hope you enjoy this one:)

--------

As you approach the entrance of the library, your heart starts beating a mile a minute.

You stall outside the automatic sliding doors, mind racing with a million scenarios. You freak out a little and silently squeal, earning you disapproving frowns and judging eyes from passers-by. But you don't care. You've waited a whole week for today.

A week ago, during English class, you were busy writing instead of paying attention, as usual, when your teacher had given the class the assignment to write a scenario, of any genre but it had to contain the writer's techniques she had taught in class. And she made the whole class pair up. You, too lost in the world of fanfiction, had not been listening and frankly, you didn't really care, passing her words off as just more homework.

The next thing you knew, Kim Namjoon had turned around in his chair, calling your name in that deep, gravelly voice. At the sound of his voice, your head immediately shot up, eyes wide in surprise.

"Do you want to partner up?" he had asked, lips slinging into an easy grin, eyes curling up and that goddamned dimple making itself made known on his left cheek. He patiently waited for your answer, eyes periodically glancing down to your desk that was in disarray, pieces of paper containing your words messily covering every corner of your desk. You pray that he didn't catch a peep of your (admittedly) cringeworthy fanfic as you tried to subtly gather the papers before he could read too much.

"Um, partner up for what?" you questioned, confused, head tilting ever so slightly to the right in question, brows furrowed in misunderstanding. He mirrored your actions and your heart had unwontedly skipped a beat. A beat of silence passed, "For the assignment?"

Before you could ask what assignment?, your teacher had interrupted your conversation with a satisfied clap and a smile. "Alright, I assume you have all found your partners. I'll give you time to work on your assignment right now. Remember that planning is the most important stage of writing. Do approach me if you have any questions."

Namjoon had turned back to you with a wry grin that looked a tad bit awkward, saying, "Well, I guess we're partners now."

Which is how you find yourself freaking the fuck out in front of a library on a Saturday morning, mind racing with different, absurd scenarios and outcomes of this meeting. You decide to take another minute to compose yourself.

You wouldn't say that you like Namjoon per se. You just think he is the most handsome man to walk on this godforsaken planet. But seriously, that man is far too beautiful to be real. From the first time you met him til now, you have no doubt that that man is a celestial being, gifted to the world from the gods, purely to cleanse the eyes of us, mere mortals. To make matters worse, he is smart too; of a wisdom thousands of years beyond his age. You still can't believe you've had the god-given opportunity to meet someone like him.

Okay so, maybe you kind of like him a lot, more than you let on, but you're not really sure if you like him because he's Namjoon or if it's because you are lovelorn, touch deprived, or both.

You reckon it has taken more than a minute to compose yourself because by the time you snap out of your daze, you are five minutes late when you had actually arrived five minutes earlier than the agreed timing. You sigh and finally walk through the doors that welcome you into the cooling library, cold blasts from the air conditioning cooling down the fierce blush that had taken refuge on your cheeks.

You immediately proceed to find a seat but Namjoon texts you, telling you that he's already a step ahead of you, having secured a seat in a room with tables on the second floor.

When you reach the second floor, and make your way towards the rooms, you can see Namjoon through the glass walls, sitting down and silently reading a book as he waits for you. The closer you draw to the room, the faster your heart pounds in your chest. The sound is deafening and distracting and you don't even realise how fast you had walked until you are finally knocking on the glass door, sending Namjoon a small smile when he looks up at you.

"Hi, Y/N," he greets, smile widening into a grin so wide that it hides his eyes. Your heart stops but you hide it with a small smile as you settle down your things and yourself opposite him.

"So, what genre did you want to write about," he asks as you take a pen and a piece of paper out from your bag. You freeze when your brain registers his sentence. "The assignment is to write a story?"

Namjoon stares at you wordlessly for a while, speechless that it's been a week and you still don't know what the fucking assignment is. You, however, have no idea that he is thinking about how stupid you are and happily stare back at him, taking in his mono lidded, almond-shaped eyes and the dark brown of his irises. His nose bridge is straight and the tip of his nose is a little flat, like a koala. You have never wanted to boop a nose so bad in your entire life.

"Yeah, that's the assignment," he responds patiently, giving you a gentle smile. You can't help but feel that it seems a little tight and forced, like he is regretting asking you be his partner, and regretting that he didn't have enough time to reconsider. You ignore the feeling of dejection that slowly bubbles up inside of you.

"I thought that it'd be easiest to write romance since you're so well versed in that.". You freeze. Time seems to have stopped and your ears refuse to register the rest of what Namjoon is saying, tuning everything out but your deafening thoughts. You have to remind yourself to breathe.

"You know that I write?" you interrupt Namjoon. He stops and fixes you a look of confusion, like it is so obvious that you write. It's not that you've been trying to keep it a secret. The thing is, for most of your stories, Namjoon is the main male character. In most of your stories, you have described every single part of him in excruciating detail, his eyes and lips especially. When your friends had first read your stories with Namjoon as the male protagonist, they had caught on quickly, almost immediately asking you if you were describing Namjoon because of how well you had described him. A bad feeling washes over you.

"Yeah, you're always scribbling away during English so I got curious and asked a few of your classmates," he responds, flashing you another lopsided smile. If this were any other situation, your heart would have been absolutely eliminated because of that smile but in this situation, all you can think about is if he's read any of your work. Because if he has, you're done for.

"What did my classmates say?" you question hesitantly, still deciding if you want to know his answer.

"Well they said that you've been writing since forever. They also said that a lot of people know that you write. Oh, and they also said that you had some published works so I went to check them out—" Namjoon's voice fades out as he continues to talk.

This is it.

It's the end of your social life. Namjoon is going to tell his loud ass group of friends that you write stalker-esque stories about him and then one of his friends is going to accidentally tell their girlfriend and then the girlfriend is going to spread it across the school and you'll be known as the loser who writes creepy stalker stories about Namjoon—

"It was amazing," you hear Namjoon say in between your mild quarter-life crisis. You pause and look him square in the eye. You want to come off as serious but you falter slightly when Namjoon stares back at you, irises a whirlpool of dark brown and glittering fascination, a swirling vortex that draws you in with a vicious intent of drowning.

"Yes?" Namjoon questions you after a beat of silence passes. You want to ask him if he knows that he is reading about himself but you stop yourself. "You like my stories?" you ask instead, feeling a tad bit shy now that you've realised that Namjoon likes what you write about him.

He lets out a small laugh, "Is it that hard to believe that I like what you write?"

"I was just surprised." He flashes you another wide grin and there it is, those cursed dimples show themselves again, grinning tauntingly at you and your heart commits the highest act of treason when it starts to beat faster. You gulp.

"You shouldn't be surprised. It was really good. I really liked it when you described the male character. It felt like I was looking at him myself. That's why I asked you to be my partner. I'm sure with your talents, we can get a really good mark on this assignment."

Your heart thuds a little faster when Namjoon tells you that his favourite part was reading about how you described him. But it falls to your stomach when he tells you that he picked you solely for your supposed talents. You don't know why, but a part of you had thought that maybe Namjoon wanted to get to know you better, and was using this assignment as an excuse. You thought that it was finally happening, someone you like has finally noticed you. But it looks like you thought wrong.

"Thank you," you say meekly, flashing him a half-hearted smile that you're sure he notices from the way he stiffens. "So, you said that you thought that romance would be a good genre, but what do you want to write about?"

Namjoon is silent for a while, lips pursed in ponder. You wait patiently for his answer.

"Well, I thought that I'd wanted to write romance too," he answers flashing you an awkward smile. The silence that follows is palpable and suddenly, you feel so very exhausted. "Well then, that's settled. Now we just have to think of a situation."

"How about this one?" Namjoon asks immediately after you finish your sentence. He says it rather suddenly and it startles you a little. You can't help but hear a certain extent of desperation in this voice. He wants to get this over with, you tell yourself.

"How do you mean?"

"Kinda like us now," he starts but stops to think about what to say next. You remain silent. "We should just write about us but make it a love story. For example, the two main characters are supposed to do a project together so they meet at a library," he pauses to gesture to the shelves surrounding the both of you.

"Then they start working on the project and they start talking. Then, somehow, the boy confesses to her. And the girl tells him she's always felt the same way. We can come up with how he confesses since I myself haven't come up with that yet," he continues, softening the last part of his sentence into a mumble that you barely hear, but still do. You pause. What the fuck?

"What did you say? I didn't hear you," you ask against your better judgement, curiosity getting the best of you. "Huh? Oh, it was nothing."

A furious blush begins to spread on the apples of Namjoon's cheeks, and for some reason, your body begins to mirror him, heart pumping hot blood to the blood vessels that lay beneath the skin of your cheeks. Namjoon shyly directs his gaze to his lap, dark brown bangs, the colour of his eyes, coming down in luxurious curls and waves to hide his eyes. You can't help but think that you like to see Namjoon like this; soft and shy and vulnerable because he is usually so confident and suave. It feels like he is showing a new side of himself to you, like he is peeling back the layers of masks and personas he has built until he is left raw and natural, allowing you to see everything that he is. The thought of that leaves you feeling winded because it is exactly what you want. And suddenly, you don't feel bashful or shy because of his words. Instead, you are determined, hellbent on making something out of this and you hope with your whole being that it is a relationship.

You are about to say something, to question him, bombard him until he is spilling his feelings in fumbled words and sentences of desperation and want, clawing at you until you too, are raw and vulnerable. But he beats you to it, speaking in a soft, hushed tone, as if you are a stern silence that he is afraid of interrupting.

"I think you're amazing, Y/N. What do you think of me?"

He stares meekly at his lap, too afraid to even spare you a glance. You remain silent, building his desperation like you are some professional flirt. In all honesty, you really just want to tell him you like him too but you're just so scared. The evidence that he at least feels something for you is right in front of you and yet your brain rejects it like a vending machine rejects a bill, walls built far too high and thick that words are no longer enough to convince you. He has to show you. And you think he knows that too.

Namjoon's head shoots up to stare you in the eyes, a new found determination and confidence burning in his eyes. The way the light finds his dark brown irises makes your heart do a million somersaults. They light up and turn into a golden brown you can't help but compare to a sweet, caramel syrup that coats your tongue in golden, sugary gratification. You swallow so hard, you feel the sides of your throat rub together painfully. 

"I think you're freaking amazing, Y/N. Every time I look at you, I always want to make myself better. For you. I want to become the best version of myself in hopes that it'll satisfy you and garner your attention. And I really like that you do what makes you happy. I absolutely love it when you write in English because you're always so focused and serious, plus, you make that really cute face when you're concentrating and it always makes my heart beat a little faster and it makes me hate that I sit in front of you because I have to keep finding stupid reasons to turn around just to look at you and I just think you're the most amazing, admirable, lovable person ever," Namjoon lets out. His words are rushed and desperate and you melt like goddamn candle wax.

"I'm— Wow, I'm— thank you, Namjoon. That really means a lot to me," you stutter, not really knowing what to say at first but finding your words soon enough. "Oh, and I feel the same way," you add, somehow missing the main point of your response. It doesn't matter anyway. He knows now. That's all that matters.

"Wait, really?"

You let out a laugh. "Yeah, Namjoon. Is it that hard to believe that I like you too?" you reply, a homage to your previous conversation.

Namjoon smiles a small smile, then it widens, and widens, and widens, until he is flashing you a blinding grin that could outright beat the glare of sunlight. "You said that you like me," he points out, eyes shining.

It is your turn to blush in embarrassment, cheeks feeling hot as you begin to sink into yourself, hair falling from behind your shoulders to hopefully make itself useful as a curtain to shield your red face from Namjoon. Something in Namjoon's chest begins to splinter at the sight. He is so very tempted to pull out his phone and snap a picture of you but he holds himself back at the thought that he is positive he has many more chances to do so. His ribs nearly break in half because of how hard his heart beats.

"It's a good thing that I like you too," he says gently, smile now gentle instead of blinding. "Also, we have a plot now!" he exclaims in excitement as he slides the pen and paper closer to himself, ready to start on your assignment.

"Wait."

"Yeah?"

"So, we're, are we? You know... Um, dating now?"

Namjoon's eyes widen in horror and he deflates himself, a disappointed frown pulling his eyebrows together at the centre and turning the corners of his lips down. "Shit, I'm sorry I didn't ask— I just assumed—" he cuts himself off, clearing his throat dramatically.

"Y/N, will you be my girlfriend?" he asks. Somehow, he still feels nervous even though he knows that you answer is a resounding, "Yes, I would love to be your girlfriend."

Namjoon lets out the breath he didn't even know he was holding and it comes out in a relieved sigh. "Thank God because if not our story would have a horrible ending," Namjoon comments, picking the pen back up and clicking it open.

"Let's write that," you cut in before he can say anything else. "Write a sad love story?"

Namjoon is going to tell you no, to completely disapprove of your idea because writing a sad love story is one thing but writing a sad love story that will be handed up to your teacher for her to grade is another thing. But then, he sees your eyes glisten in determination and he dispels his thoughts immediately, folding into himself like a goddamn lawn chair. He can't believe he was just about to say no to you. What the fuck is wrong with him?

"Please? I'm better at writing angst. Plus, we have a happy ending and that's all that matters," you press, trying to convince him. You don't have a real reason other than the fact that you write angst better. You also don't really know why you want to write angst right now when you feel as if you could fly. But it doesn't matter. None of it matters anymore. Namjoon is your's now. 

Namjoon flashes you a dimpled smile, eyes curling up and glittering with mirth and unadulterated belief in you. You can't help but think that you want him to never stop smiling like that, looking at you like you are some sort of celestial being, hailed from the sky solely to bring him every sort of merriment known to mankind and the heavens. The thought of him thinking of you like that scares you, because you are always afraid of not being enough. But Namjoon diminishes all of your worries with a short sentence, manhandling them by the throat and shoving them off a cliff.

"Okay, I believe in you."

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[mousehole5000]

tgcf lb the fourth chapter 23 - 33

“hmmm looks like theres people in the fertilizer. i shan’t say a word” ok king of minding your business i guess

oh looks like it has a long tongue. oh i dont care for that at all

The build of their bodies were similar, and atop their shoulders, all of them carried cudgels that were densely covered in sharp wolf teeth. It created an illusion that a pack of wolves had transformed into people. attack of the furries? okay.

It was easy to comprehend after thinking about it. This person had been buried in the desert sand for fifty to sixty years. The flesh of his body had long been transformed into nutrients for those Kindred Moon Herbs. He had been entirely consumed until the only thing remaining was a mere skeleton. when this book isnt being very funny its being very grim!!! yikes!! also this was an episode of hannibal 

Ke Mo definitely had never heard someone ask to go first in this place. His eyes widened and looked like bells as he asked in astonishment, “You want to go first? For what reason??” Xie Lian naturally couldn’t reply and say it was because he wasn’t scared. Thus, he chose an answer that conformed with the norms of society. “General, these are merely innocent merchants just passing through. They even have a child amongst them.” - love watching the immortals trying to act like humans. would have been funny if xie lian had just hit em with “well i cant die so its chill”

That young man had crossed his arms. With an indifferent gaze, he thoughtfully sized up the deep Sinners’ Pit.　　 A bad premonition sprung up unbidden in Xie Lian’s heart. “San Lang?”　　 When he heard Xie Lian call him, San Lang turned his head. He smiled faintly and said, “Everything’s fine.” - edgy bastard lets go

What Ke Mo had been cursing was, “It’s this slut again!” - me when a corpse gets up and knocks all my soldiers into the sinner’s pit what a relatable reaction

oh now im switching translations here we go

does hua cheng just straight up transform in the darkness? edgy bastard. also  hualian having their little discussion while ke mo keeps trying to attack im still amused by these kinds of shenanigans

banyue guoshi ma’am your backstory.... rough. im on your side im sure you had your reasons

why do the soldiers keep her up near the top of the pit of death if she keeps getting up and knocking them all in? am i missing something? or are they just that dumb/dead fjdf;adjsf

fu yao: y’all alive? lmk. if not ill guess ill go back to the the merchants who totally promised to stay put in the circle. in case its not clear i do not care what happens to said merchants.

hua xie... of course thats the fucking name he picked. also looks like that wasnt so much a parallel being drawn between xie lian and the general as it was the same exact line

fasdlkfjsldfdsf god xie lian really has a hard time. you help some orphans, you try to keep people from dying, you try to save an orphan and you trip and get trampled but you cant die so you wake up in a river full of corpses and just float away. actually tbh i really appreciate him as an immortal character this is the shit i like to see. love xie lian ready to defend himself from the slander of being completely flattened. he was only mostly flattened

cunty vibes so strong all the wildlife in a 10 foot radius just chuck up the deuces and split

ITS RAINING SCORPION SNAKES. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO PUSH A REVEAL. love that the umbrella is just always on hand

okay i guess fucking. everyone is here now why not. we’re all in a hole covered in scorpions and everyone knows each other but not everyone is admitting it but we know. we know. still not 100% sure what is going wrt pei su/pei ming/general pei/pei junior im a bit confused idk

okay i cant explain it but im attached to him now.

i like banyue. i feel like theres going to be a few background female characters i really like but im not so sure theyll get a lot of development. wind master come back you and your lady friend i would like to know more of you. anyway fuck this pei guy(s?). also they just put banyue in a jar? fair enough

is xie lian another mc who cant cook? so much so that everyone who knows him just leaves if he offers? love that for him

okay we’ve got ONE identity admitted. i liked how casual it was. i wonder if hc was waiting for this bc yeah he was not subtle i feel like he definitely wanted xie lian to know. if he didnt then bruh. get lessons in how to act human please

screaming. no words. cant wait to meet him. and hua cheng please keep up the good work. i love that now we’re just. sitting. chatting. chilling. okay.

yeah it makes sense that hes an immortal i think you would have to take this attitude after 800 years

this authors note about not writing ugly characters.... fjkdalfdjfa obviously i dont think holding beauty as such high standard is good it warps our views and values etc etc but also i would expect nothing less from a story like this. yes we know everyone is going to be beautiful theyre immortal and beautiful and young forever

lmao at exile being a temporary banishment for crimes.... yeah that sounds about right tbh. rich elite fuckers

oh good we haven’t forgotten about human face disease boy. im wondering when we’re going to find out how important he will be bc he clearly matters otherwise he’d have been resolved already also yeah how tf does he have that disease that sure sounds like an issue

i dont like him. pei ming i also wish you to die of syphilis. also of fucking COURSE xie lian’s cultivation method doesnt let him read dirty books

im just saving this because its funny

okay lang qianqiu i see you falling asleep at the meeting. i like you already but you are not above suspicion. actually you know what i suspect you already. crown prince of the kingdom that conquered xianle? idk if youre good or bad but you know something i learned this lesson from beloved morally grey huaisang

okay last comment for this post. mxtx’s little authors note about everyone being straight except for hualian but you can make up headcanons as long as you dont split hualian up fjdlfakdj. i just find it silly to write a story thats so clearly for an audience that understands shipping and ships often and say not to split a specific couple up but i mean to be fair i kind of get it that sentiment as an author and not wanting people to do certain things with your work, although again i think its silly

i guess the point of this note is just to be clear that no one else is going to get together so no one argues about it and i dont actually know much about how this was published but it seems like it was serialized so i can see why that would be an issue. personally i dont really care for knowing stuff like that ahead of time but i know a lot of people do and it seems to be thing in other cnovels ive seen to know whos going to get together as far as major characters are concerned i guess thats part of the draw and i guess i kind of get it

not sure how much other romance will be in this but also i think its kind of ridiculous to be like “these are the only two gay characters” in a cast that just keeps growing but whatever shes really leaving that work up to the readers to make it happen which they’ll do anyways so whatever. also there had to be at least one of the 33 officials who fought hua cheng who thought he was hot. theres no way that didnt happen

[thoughtfulpaperback]

Charmed 2x12 Review SPOILERS!!!!!!

Okay let's do this. Sorry I skipped one but times are hectic. For entertainment I give it an 8/10. Same format. Dislikes, likes and highlights

Dislikes

1. Macy Kneeling to Abby.

Let's just get this one out the way. I can see where they might have been going with this.

They maybe are trying to move away from the ambiguous route with abby (trying to make her sympathetic with her whole patriarchy thing and her dead mom) I mean she is progressively becoming more predatory with Harry so with that in mind, this was possibly one of the "abby is really a bad person not a feminist as she is only out for her own gain and not the empowerment of all women". And I can get that maybe they were also trying to show "look Macy is willing to do the most degrading thing possible just for the chance at rebuilding that power of three/charmed bond with her sisters for the protection of the magical community".

But listen.....

We all know Abigael isnt a star feminist. We already know (although we dont exactly know) that she has some sort of plan up her sleeve to be weary of.

There has been too much attempted ambiguity and the main characters letting her get away with terrible things that the message isnt coming across.

Plus Maybe yes showing Macy being willing to do something that really probably hurt all of us (epecially those of us who are minorities) to watch, may have been to drive home the differences between her and Macy and play up Macy's love for her sisters

But like we know Macy and Abby arent similar (as much as you writers tried to play that up at first). And you know just adding more sister bonding moment and just the fact that Macy was willing to go to abby after all the previous stuff was enough to show she was desperate? Maybe just add more sister bonding moments so we can see how dedicated they are to each other?

Maybe? Just saying.

If the writers are finally going to commit to Abby being a full on villian then I guess the seen was worth cementing that she is horrible (sort of).

Here's my question though as I consider whether the scene was worth it. Who is this show for and what is it trying to show? I mean if it is for minorities and women then i can see how showing these historical and current issues (conflict of power and consideration among women where race is concerned) then I guess showing it and having that controversy makes sense. But like we live it.

As minorities we already know. I know I struggle between wanting my experience shown and also wanting to watch something where for once the minority characters arent subjected to that experience. Charmed did better at addressing controversy and women's issues in season 1. I dont care if it was "obvious" or "heavy handed" because when it is not you basically get the kneeling scene where you dont know what the point was, if it was necessary, and are left feeling hurt or bitter about it.

2. Hacy Kiss.

Listen Brenda/on, this is on my like and dislike list. I will mention what I dislike about it.

The first thing is that it was a fantasy. I mean yes I like that we get full on confirmation that Macy has romantic feelings for Harry and not just considering that she might have them, but I honestly hate the fact that they would tease us like that. Especially when Macy is at a low moment. Which I will get into.

They are kinda ruining Macy for me. Listen, at this point they havent given us enough insight into Macys feelings or thoughts to understand why she isnt pursuing Harry. We can speculate and infer based on previous seasons and some of what the writers or showrunners say on twitter, but this season itself hasnt done much in showing Macy's thought process and so it falls flat. It isnt her reluctance to let people in or not wanting to get involved with someone after Galvin since she does pursue Julian and gets serious relatively quickly. She, at least now we it is confirmed, has those feelings for Harry, but is still choosing to be with someone else inspite of those feelings. I hate that. Harry is obviously tempted by abby and is being naive with her, but he isnt pursuing her and has blocked her advances (except the kiss) so far which may change who knows, but the point is if Macy was just casually dating and enjoying Julian's company I would be like okay, still hate that she would lead someone on when she has feeling for someone else, but if its casual there is less of a chance of the other person being hurt.

I cant get behind Julian x Macy, not because of Julian (who so far is perfect and probably going to be a villian or some how connected to the villians because it is a common trope) but because of Macy. Julian x Macy isnt Healthy because Macy knows she has feelings for someone else. She is using him. That isnt to say she doesnt genuinely like or care about him, but at the end of the day she is using him. Which is crappy because Julian so far seems like a great guy and doesnt deserve being the "distraction". I mentioned this all the time but my least favorite love triangles are the ones where one person is using the other.

Healthy would be Macy and Julian being friends while she works through her feelings and then decides who she wants to be with. Not being with someone while having feelings for someone else.

Macy was shown in season 1 to be rational and could be rational to the point of compartmentalizing and coming off as cold. So maybe that is where they are drawing from, but again little effort has been made on the part of the writers to show what's going on in her brain other than that fantasy kiss. And again I am still like....okay so what does that mean in the long run you butts!!!

3. Helen's suicude

I am so iffy about how shows portray people completing suicide. Like on one hand I get that them showing her exercising free will, but suicide portrayed as a positive rather than a tragedy is just....ugh for me. I still am not sure how I feel overall about it.

Lore wise I hate that they use it to explain why Harry and jimmy couldnt kill each other, because in an interview rupert claimed Harry was immortal now because of the elder thing and the show said it in that first episode. So like are both true? So if harry tries to stab himself like Helen will he just end up back in the coffin and alive since she is immortal?

I mean we are 12 episodes in and have about 10 to go so we really should be working towards a cohesive lore and storyline not adding confusing or not well explained layers. The world building they did in the first half was a lot better which makes me wonder what they heck is going on in the writing room.

Likes

1. Parkerita

Let me explain. While I fancy Jordan x Maggie together. I'd prefer that be a slow burn and steady friendship first. Parker seems to be Maggie's first love. It makes sense that she is still grieving and holding on. While I kind of wanted to be done with Parkerita in fairness to all the season 1 romances that where tossed out, I like the nod to Phole. I felt the OG Phole relationship was not healthy, but I liked the tradgedy of it. I think if new Charmed wants to wrestle with that and do it better (although my faith in the writers is low right now) then I wouldnt be against it. I love a good tradgedy and I sat through Phole so I'll sit through this one.

2.Hacy kiss

I love that the writers finally did something to show us what is going on in Macys brain. I need more (not necessarily Harry fantasies but I wont complain if we get more of those). I do hope a real Hacy kiss is a bit different because one one hand the fact Macy wanted to kiss harry when she was feeling down says something to me about how she feels about him and that she still trusts him (but it could, If I wanted to be cynical, just be more evidence that Macy skews towards using people when she is repressing or feeling down although she didnt actually kiss him, if she had I think I would have not liked it in that particular moment given it would have felt more like using him that expressing feelings)

Highlights

1. Abby really thinks no means maybe 😒 . . .

2. Mel is a lesbian magnet and I'd be fine with her just casually dating while all this other crap is going on as long as she is happy

2. Helen

3. These horror movie vibes though!!

[percywinchester27]

Ardent

Word count: 1.2K

Pairing: Dean X Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Pride and Prejudice references ;)

Summary: Dean comes up with a way to help the reader sleep better and she uses that to tell him how she really feels. Will it work?

A/N: This was written for my dear friend Kari that is @thing-you-do-with-that-thing. I really like this fic, I hope y’all like it, too <3

SPN Masterlist

It started out very innocently, and only because it slipped past your lips as a drunken confession one night, when you had been celebrating a successful hunt in a rundown bar. Dean had asked you why you stay up at night, to which you had innocently blurted out the truth- that you had always had trouble falling asleep.

And when he had asked if there was a solution to it, you had blabbered that too. That sleep came easily when someone read out to you. It had started as a kid, when you mom read out stories to you- not fairy tales, but the badass ones that she had written herself. One where the dragon wasn't keeping the princess prisoner, instead he was her friend and he was helping her stay away from the proud prince who didn't deserve her. They were stories about warrior maidens who were fierce on the battle field, but also just and kind to her subjects. You had loved them.

Later in college, even though your roommate found it funny, she would read out course books to you and you would be out within a few minutes.

But times changed, and your life wasn’t as pretty or naive anymore. You had seen the reality behind the happy tinted veil- that monsters and creatures beyond your imagination existed, and it wouldn't take them more than a minute to tear down your entire world- just like they had.

With this truth came nightmares, and the sleep that was already scarce, sometimes evaded you completely. Only, there was no one left to read out loud to you. No, they were part of your nightmares now, as they were brutally snatched away from you.

The one good thing that had come out of this was meeting the Winchester. It was getting to fall in love with Dean. It was getting to live your best with him by your side. The only problem was that each moment next to him was marred by a the quiet sense of regret that your love was unrequited.

You didn't blame Dean in the least, because if he didn't know that you loved him, he couldn't very well return it, right? You didn't even try to let him know, so, no point holding it against him, but God, you wanted him to just read it out of your head how utterly in love with him you were.

The fact that he was the most caring man in the world didn't help your case either. When he found out about your sleeplessness, he offered to read to you. Which was how you found yourself in your bed, tucked in properly within fluffy blankets, with your head resting in his lap. Dean fussed over which book to read, which was a first world problem really, because how were you to tell him that by being so close to him, you weren't going to get any sleep anyway. Never mind that your heart was trying to beat out of your chest.

But sleep did come. As he read out loud from a Kurt Vonnegut book, his deep voice alluring and lulling, you did find yourself nodding off and soon your heart adjusted to the rhythm of his diction and you found yourself sleeping dreamlessly for the first time in years.

It became a tradition after that. Each night he would come over, read to you and by morning you'd be rested enough to take on the world. Until one night, he was so tired that he fell asleep right besides you. That was the first morning you woke up next to Dean Winchester, your eyes opening to the light dusting of freckles on his nose and the perfect shadows that his long lashes cast on his cheek. He was perfection. That was also the day you decided you were going to tell him how you felt. You had to, because the alternative of living your whole life with that secret buried in your heart was too painful to even consider.

The idea came to you just as quickly and the following evening you handed him your favorite love book - Pride and Prejudice.

Dean was skeptic. "You really want me to read this?"

"You should try it. It's pretty awesome, you know."

Dean laughed, looking way too reluctant. "You're seriously gonna put me through this, kid?"

"Yep!" You crossed your fingers behind your back, hoping that the book would say it all for you.

He gave in, as always, despite his own disinterest, and as always you fell asleep before he was even done with the first chapter. Dean continued next day with little to no whining. You didn't know if he had suddenly grown interested in the story, or if was just putting up with your tantrum, but you fervently did hope that he got your intent behind making him endure a romance novel.

So the days passed and so did the novel, and each morning you woke up in the circle of his arms. Just a little closer than yesterday, drawing his warmth and breathing the air that touched him.

That night he read, in a voice that spoke directly to your soul:

“...In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you...”

A tear slipped down your cheek, soaking into his pajamas.

"Are you crying?" Dean gasped, shocked.

"No," you sniffed, trying to wipe your eyes inconspicuously. How stupid could you possibly be? Expecting Dean to see a deeper meaning into a book like ‘Pride and prejudice?’ What were you thinking?

"Hey, look at me," Dean said, gently shaking you, but you pushed your face deeper against his body.

His fingers found your hair and lightly carded through it. "I love you, Y/N," he breathed, unsure. "I'm no Darcy… I mean, you know I'm crap with words, but surely you can see that I can't imagine my life without you."

You sat up so quickly, that you hit his chin the process.

"What did you say?"

He was still massaging his chin. "I said, I love you, you crazy girl."

That's all you needed to hear as you crushed his lips with yours, pouring your hopeless, wordless love into it, and after a surprised second, he did the same, loving you with all he had.

Dean was right, he was no William Darcy. But he didn't have to be, because he was Dean Winchester and he was perfectly imperfect. One of a kind. The very best. And right then, he was yours. How many people were that lucky? 

The answer presented itself quickly. No one, except you.

***********************

A/N 2: Please do consider reblogging my work and leaving feedback. Reblogging helps spread it, and also helps against the “best posts first” option tumblr has. The more the notes, the less chance of it getting buried beneath others posts. And the comments are what keep me going. I love you guys and I’ll be in forever grateful <3

Taglist is closed, but will be opened soon, hopefully!

But here’s my side blog @percywinchester27-writes. You can give that blog a follow and turn the notifications on to know about updates.

Dean Darlings:

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[monstersandmaw]

I'm about to spout a series of completely unrelated things, so I'm gonna put my little nickname at the end of each one lol. First off (this is random, but I enjoy telling you things cause you're so nice and supportive so sorry if its weird???) I'm nonbinary/gender-fluid (not sure which term I want to use yet), and when I came out to my mom and asked to get a binder so I could explore, she yelled at me for 2 hours straight. This was years ago, and now shes more open-minded (pt. 1) -BitterMnM

(Pt. 2) so I asked again if I could get a binder, and she said I can do whatever and she will support me (shes even getting me a suit for graduation!!!) But… after her yelling at me, I never researched how to get a binder, or anything like that, and I’m still afraid shes hate me if I got one (even if all that has been cleared up). So I figured a sports bra would work, and it does! And I’ve been using it at home, but today im going out into public and im nervous but excited. -BitterMnM          

(Pt. 3) Second, I know you havent written anything for him yet (when it comes to romance), but Maro from Rhett’s story is SO CUTE and he kinds reminds me of my OC Damari. I’d love to draw Maro if you gave a description of him (or if it’s in the story already, I can go back and look on my own), and maybe even draw Dama as well to show you what I mean lol. -BitterMnM   

(Pt. 4) aaand lastly, do/did you ever feel like you arent a true writer sometimes? I ask because I’ve taken advanced art class (it’s like majoring in college tbh) throughout middle and high school, and I feel like my peers have grown more than me. It makes me feel like i shouldnt call myself an artist. Do you have any advice for working around that feeling? I know I’m good, it’s just hard reminding myself of that, and my friend’s reassurance always sounds fake. -BitterMnM

(Pt. 5) not because they’re mean or I’m paranoid (for lack of a better word), but just because I’m so negative when it comes to myself. I shouldnt be, I know theres a reason I’m still in the art magnet (that’s what the classes are called), because I couldve been kicked out if I sucked or reached my full potential. But the feeling makes me not want to do art, and it is limiting me, and I hate it. Also, sorry for the long asks!!! >_

***********************

I’m sorry you didn’t get off to the best start about exploring your identity with your mum. I know it can be tough, but I’m glad she turned out a little more supportive in the end - I hope that only continues from hereon in. Sounds like a great idea with the sports bras! (As an aside, I wear sports bras pretty much all the time :D)

Maro’s description is probably in the story somewhere, but he’s kind of slim and elegant, with eternally boyish good looks and wild, curly pink hair. Since he’s a cherry blossom dryad, I imagine him as a soft, baby pink all over, and constantly with little cherry blossoms swirling around him. I’d love to see a drawing of him with your OC! I’m sure they’d get along and be good friends :).

As for not feeling like a true writer, yes, I’m sure a lot of people can identify with that whole ‘imposter/fraud’ feeling. For very many years I was ashamed or embarrassed about being a writer, and never told anyone that I wrote. I still don’t let the people who know me in real life read what I write (monster or otherwise), but now I’m very open about it. It was hard, and I felt very awkward about ‘admitting’ it, but now when someone asks me what I do, I say that I make jewellery, and that I’m a writer. Because I am. I write.

You are an artist because you create and you draw. Fact. You are an artist. Compare how you drew this time last year to how you draw now, and I bet you’ll be surprised at how far your art has evolved and developed. It’s hard to see that kind of change when you’re right in the middle of it all though, so take some time and be kind to yourself too. Being in an environment like a class is always hard because you have constant reminders that there are other people doing the same thing, but honestly, try and focus on your own progress. As you say, if you weren’t dedicated and good at what you do, they might have taken you to one side and said something. It’s also hard to enjoy what you have to do either for a living or for your college degree or whatever because there’s always that element of pressure. Maybe one weekend, take a sketch pad outside and just draw for yourself? That way you can lay claim to it again, and remind yourself of the joy of creating…?

Good luck with everything!!

[tumblunni]

Also can i just give a big thumbs up to Blue's ridiculously sassy pose? Itll be so cool to see his infamous attitude portrayed in a much more animated game!

Also can i just add that i like it for being like 0.4% of evidence towards my headcanon of him being gay? Like yeah i know that "acting flambouyant" is the most minimal and stereotypical evidence but when youre starved for lgbt representation you start clinging to minor shit like this.

I just really like the idea of his jerkass behaviour stemming from being closeted and trying too hard to overcompensate, and him not really hating Red but actually just trying to pretend he does. Like.. The real person he's angry at is his own feelings. Cos i know its a cliche at this point to always ship any shonen character with his rival, but really it is kind of an inherant part of the trope? I dont understand how these writers could write this overexaggerated arch nemesis who's always doing EVERYTHING for the sake of one-upping you, always being everywhere and seemingly having no life aside from this. It just looks like he really really cares about what you think?? It comes off as less "he's stuck up" and more "he needs constant reassurance for his low self confidence and for some reason he demands it comes specifically from you." It really really hits that relateability for closeted teens. Making up excuses why this isnt really a crush, making up excuses to hang out with them all the time for TOTALLY NON CRUSH RELATED REASONS

And I just feel itd help the whole plot make more sense with how they say Blue used to be Red's best friend since they were babies, and he just suddenly started acting all bratty very recently. Why dont the games draw more attention to that, honestly? It must have been really traumatic for Red to suddenly lose his best friend and be goddamn bullied by the guy for seemingly no reason! And yeah, sometimes kids do just end up changing into someone horrid when theyre in that nebulous 10 to 12 age range, and then they mature and regret what they did. But i think in a fictional setting that kinda doesnt fly? Its not very good catharsis to have "he changed his mind and became good offscreen and you dont get to see it". So imagining what might have happened between the end of gen 1 and the start of gen 2 is a good way to make up for it.

I imagine in this hypothetical rewrite it would start with us just being introduced to Big Asshole Blue and assuming thats all he's ever been. But we start getting hints that Red is more upset about this than it seems? And we get flashbacks to Blue once Not Being A Jerk, and get to feel Red's worry that he must have done something to make his best friend start hating him. And maybe along the way we get to see Blue's jerkyness rewritten to seem more like he's just a normal kid struggling with some stuff and making the wrong choices, rather than legitimately evil. Maybe we get to see him being sad or self hating, and Red tries to reach out to him but Blue is so deep in his delusions already that he's all "i bet you just want to laugh at me!" Like we get to see that from Blue's perspective we're the rival, yknow? His assumption that you hate him is why he distanced himself. His assumption that you'd be disgusted in him if you knew his secret. Its like he preemptively broke off the friendship to avoid the pain of you doing it? And then also maybe add some more events of the two rivals begrudgingly teaming up to save the day, and having other bonding experiences that show that the friendship is still there deep down.

So then naturally the ending would play out the same with you defeating him, but instead of just his grandpa yelling at him and us being told he listened (offscreen) and changed his ways (offscreen) we like.. Actually..see that. You could have Blue breaking down and showing some genuine emotion during this moment, actually crying because he really did try so hard and he still lost. And because he linked his entire self worth to this toxic masculinity and idea that he had to be the strongest to even be worth anything. And he's just so convinced that Red is gonna mock him now and it'll be the end of the closest thing he had to a way they could stay close. And then his grandpa comes in and is all "bla bla bla you just didnt love your pokemon enough", and that rubs salt in the wound. But maybe the change is that at this point Red actually stands up for Blue? And talks about all the good stuff he did during the game and how he's still the same great guy he became friends with, even if they've drifted apart. And he worked just as hard to get here, gramps!!

So that really shocks Blue to his core and he realizes how stupid he was being, and him and Red become friends again. And then over time it would lead to Blue becoming more comfortable with his self confidence and coming out about his sexuality, and eventually we have the bratty but ultimately good dude we see in the future games. And also they are totally married, yes.

Seriously tho i can understand why people dont like this ship tho, cos a lot of the fics for it (and the related ash/gary one) are more like "lol somehow it is sexy for a guy to be a complete asshole to you for no reason" rather than giving him an actual redemption plot and yknow..establishing that he actually cares about the guy he is kissing. I think rival romances can be great if done well, but man there's so much problematic shit if it falls short of the mark!

[kxlance]

Funny how jds said theres a thrill in liking an antagonistic r/s like keith and lance's, refering to their rivalry and yet didnt see it coming how they got so popular. Dude you just said people like to ship two rivals in any show and yet you say you never thought klance would gain so much attention when their whole r/s revolves around the whole enemies to friends troupe, they really think fans are stupid? They tried to negate the ship so hard I dont even know whether to laugh or cry.

*makes lets leave this in the past sound*

dksfnl ok but no i wanna give a proper answer to this even though it’s been a week and i blocked that out of my mind because you know what i’m here to enjoy this so here’s me rambling

when i read that interview, quite frankly i did get mad i’m not gonna lie. mostly because of the “forbidden fruit” comment from jds (but he apologized for it apparently so i’m not gonna bring that up) and because i was…..pretty confused as to why they would think klance is a surprise. i mean, out of the other pairings in the show, they’re objectively the ones who have had the most development, like as a duo you get what i mean? so it really shouldn’t be a surprise to me, that people like it. sure probably everyone has multiple reasons as to why they like it, but for me at least, it was legit the type of dynamic they had that caught me. it’s the kind of “we’re a lot different and we clash because of this but now i’m slowly getting fond of you” kind of thing. like,,,,, i LIVE for that shit alright.and i find hard to believe that when they were animating certain scenes *cough the bonding moment cough* they didn’t think that some people would have seen that as romantic. ESPECIALLY BC…..other….”“pairings”“ in the show have sort of paralleled moments they’ve had before like.. this is granted but you know damn well there would be no doubts over the canonicity of this ship if it was m/f. it’s just how it is.here’s the deal also: the only couple 100% endgame is hunk/shay. the last time they properly interacted was in season fucking one. season ONE. and yet hunk often mentions her like in his vlog and in the comics and whatnot. because clearly, no matter the distance he’s fond of her and would definitely like to see her (he did see her in s4 bc he and allura were on balmera but it was just like…a screencap so we’re just left assuming things) and yet…people wanna come at me, in my sacred home, saying klance is dead bc they haven’t seen each other in one season. can u believe it?they said recently that they dont wanna shoehorn romance in for the sake of having it because they want the characters to stand on their own first, which hey, it is a perfectly reasonable consideration. now, voltron has 78 confirmed episodes. you know how many of these episodes are left if you leave out the 7 episodes that would drop in june?? 26. 2 fucking 6 episodes left to close out all the plot points and possibly develop an endgame romance. this is just my theory alright but listen. there’s no freaking way they’re gonna develop a romance so out of the blue in just 26 episodes, especially bc of how focused the show is on plot/action. so like…..they needed to have had build up some sort of foreground (”relationships happen over time” “slow burn” they said it not me) BEFORE in order to possibly have an endgame in the end. and i wonder……i wonder……who is this mysterious couple who had that foreground development before the serious plot started kicking in? yep you guessed it. IT STARTS WITH K AND ENDS WITH LANCE. (FUCK YOUR LAITH AGENDA LM)

like this is just…i’m going logically here alright. if the romance is out of the blue, then it would legit contradict everything they said about “not wanting to have romance just for the sake of havin it uwu”. but you know, i’m not sure about klance 100% bc i never was, so, if klance isnt canon, i just wanna know what their so brilliant and well thought out endgame will be. like……. i’m genuinely curious bc even bias aside nothing makes sense quite as klance to me bc of how their arcs interwine very well w/ each other????

lastly, we know lance is gonna fall in love. and that what he’s looking for is different than where he started. y’all know what jeremy said recently. i dont wanna say it in the specific bc we said not to talk about it since the video was illegal and whatnot, but….what he said implies……..you know what it implies. and who else could it be honestly LIKE….. if it is between two side characters what even is the point’??? its gotta be between two main characters. and only those have had solid development together. with this being said, i still believe there will be lgbt rep in the end no matter if there is an endgame or not.(see lauren’s drawing of lance holding the lgbt sign that is not a coincidence giving every chara was holding a sign for a reason and the change of jeremy going from he flirts with everyone to he flirts with ladies frankly is….suspicious) i hate that it’s treated as a spoiler. but it woud be really cowardly of them to vague about it and then not deliver ya know? and also why is it treated as a spoiler if there is no endgame like……..lol

anyways yeah i think this has gotten longer than i wanted it to be but just……i guess my advice is enjoy the ship no matter what happens if it makes you happy that’s what i’m doing honestly and even if they said what they said, 1) they lie all the time so ya know… 2) we have extra information that lead us to believe they’re lying (side eyes jeremy) 3) they are still 5 seasons in, the most developed pairing in the show 4) they’re gonna reunite soon and i feel like then,,,,then we will see for real where they wanna go with this but even if it wasnt meant as a romance i just wanna know the point of many of their (extremely tropey) scenes

so yeah just keep enjoying it cuz like…. theres no way some of their scenes were accidental bc if so it’s the best accidental romance i’ve ever seen dkjnfgndskl

[swampgallows]

i just woke up, it’s close to noon here, five hours is good enough i guess. i keep thinking about college and how fucking suicidally depressed i was then and how ive spent half of this year being unemployed and generally just struggling to take care of myself in the most banal and basic ways possible, and how depression really does just delete years from your life. you live through them in a daze,  you’re already a ghost, you’re already dead. questing in wrath of the lich king is honestly some of the last shit i remember concretely before going into a two year gray area of passing my classes and nothing else. i remember breaking up with my boyfriend because he chose raiding over me. i dont want to talk about it again. the memory is still painful. still, even still, ten years later. and in late 2008 i was attacked in my dorm room and i was screaming and my roommates thought i was being a big ol slut. they thought any guy that came over was someone i was fucking. when i went to blizzcon in 2008 and my brother stayed in my dorm they thought i was fucking him too until i told them he was my little brother. they tried so fucking hard to suppress my interests and make me “like them”. “there’s more to life than world of warcraft and pokemon” they said as if going to college basketball games and rewatching disney movies has any more enrichment or depth beyond what i was fucking doing. my life is so full of hatred, from myself, from other people, just being fostered in me in general, and it’s only within the last few years that i’ve gotten to heal from it at all, all the time being hurt more and more

i was talking to a friend yesterday who is just 19 and thinking about where i was when i was 19, which of course puts me in 2009 again, the year i dropped out of existence, and i was telling them about how i was essentially raised by the ilk of 4chan and the piece of shit community on wow that, like, since i’m around ~liberal genderqueer~ tumblr-type spaces all the time, genuinely shocks me to remember still exists, of those fucking hypermasculine overcompensating military dudes. and we were talking about how like, nerds in general tend to have shit social skills or anxiety or are Othered in ways that have them reinforce this piece of shit pecking order where the loudest and meanest proclaim themselves the Leader and everyone just follows them because theyre too meek to challenge them or they mistake arrogance for confidence and assume any asshole crowing that loud about how Right they are all the time Must Be Right. 

and i thought of my own life, my ex QP, my old friend groups, my abusive ex boyfriend, how i mistook so long their malice as strength, how i was duped by their self-aggrandizement. they had no skills, no talents, no girlfriend (except when i dated them), no women in their lives in general, no real friends they could count on (except, for my abuser, an older man with 3 children and a brand new divorce whose house he muscled and manipulated himself into—”i cant even bear to be in the old master bedroom anymore”—and my abuser promptly MOVED HIMSELF INTO IT) no hobbies, and the one or two hobbies that they had—fishing, video games—they were fucking less-than-passable at. my ex-qp wasn’t good at video games. he would use cheat codes or just play the strongest character and rely on everyone else to pick up his slack. warrior, carry, tank, what have you; all of us his underlings to support him to victory—”I’m doing all of the damage and getting none of the kills”—he would whine, oblivious to the concept of teamwork and seeking credit within the only realm he had a semblance of succeeding in. 

anyway so when i first joined tumblr i swung the pendulum in the other direction because i absolutely had to, it was for my survival to become a virulent feminazi as they put it, and i was obnoxious about it, and i reposted rape statistics all the time and challenged people all the time because i had to. i had to let it overtake me in order to purge all of the 10+ years of toxic social conditioning that places like 4chan and their little infestations in WoW and all of my abusive partners instilled in me. i had to be vocal about rape this and sexual assault that because i spent the better part of my adolescence trying to laugh away the fact that i was raped as a child, trying to make jokes about my “delicious flat chest” and pedobear and “surprise buttsecks/it’s not rape if you yell surprise” and “delicious loli”; some of the images i had willingly saved on my ancient hard drive are absolutely harrowing to go through now as an adult knowing my mushy impressionable 14 year old traumatized mind was trying to cope with and gloss over what had happened to me and with the future i was facing as a budding adolescent in this kind of environment. men didnt want to be responsible for what happened to me or with what would happen to me, it made them uncomfortable for me to talk about it, so i was told to laugh it away, that nobody cares that i was raped, that i was stronger if i could just laugh about it, that no topics were beyond reproach or off limits, and that if i wasnt desensitized to my own suffering then i was weak, i was a sheep, i was a burden, i was letting my emotions get the better of me.

obviously, tumblr as a whole DIRECTLY acts in opposition of this: everything is rooted in our traumas, which we are expected to lay bare for all to be taken seriously: 4chan demanded that we invalidate the trauma by making a joke of it and allowing the masses to pick it apart for their own entertainment, to become part of the anonymous “legion” by offering up our individuality to be consumed by the group (as a currency of “lulz”, basically); tumblr, reflexively, demands we validate the trauma by making it an open and public integral asset to our identity, to have easily digestible and categorized characteristics so as to fit into the tumblr hierarchy of needs, their own misinterpreted facsimile and microcosm of existing systematic oppression, and obtain a sort of fixed currency of privilege or “woke points” dependent on identity politics. so i definitely needed to purge my previous conditioning with this reclamation of my identity as a survivor, etc, and had about 7 years of misplaced anger and fury condensed into a good two or so years instead, and even now im still parsing details. 

it wasnt until i was 22 that i had even heard the term asexuality and it wasnt until i was 25 that i realized i was bi (or “could be” bi), even though i had already been in love with and sexually active with women years prior lmao. i had been told by every possible source that having a dick inside me would change my life and change my outlook and change me into a better person or whatever the fuck, that i would “understand” and “grow up” and “become a woman” or whatever and guess what it did fucking NOTHING, just like every teen drama romance or whatever tries to stress over and over, sex is not a magical lifechanging event that hands you a million dollars and a healthy brain. it changes your life in some ways and it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly but in no way is it a cure for anything.

i dont know where i’m going with this, im just fucking pissed off about my life, im pissed off that healing takes so long and that i had to do any of it in the first place. im so pissed about all of my time wasted with this fucking piece of shit body and fucking piece of shit brain and i wish i could just go back to work and be a functional human being but im like just a short leap away from doing any of that. i have to get in touch w my previous HMO once the new year starts now that im confirmed for medi-cal, and i should have done it months ago, but i have to just accept that this whole time ive been not USELESS but just utterly CONSUMED by self-preservation, that it is taking most of my effort to want to be alive and stay on this planet any longer. especially now with my teeth bugging me so bad because i cant fucking take care of myself so im grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and i guess eating improperly or what have you idont fucking know. im going to buy a waterpik even though it’s fifty dollars and i have not made ANY MONEY in the last 6 months or done ANY of what i wanted to do and i still have a number of commissions needling at me that i genuinely like cant fucking even look at withotu fucking hitting myself and crying, and im seriously not trying to make fucking excuses, i am so fucking ashamed and consumed by self-hatred about this, this has been a problem for me SINCE COLLEGE where i was an ART MAJOR that i had to fucking beat the shit out of myself to try to draw anything “seriously”, and i do mean literally beating myself, bludgeoning myself with my morris sticks and smacking myself in the face/head and clawing at my skin, and i fucking hate it

i just know i need like SO MUCH recovery or healing or whatever the fuck, i feel so long overdue for very basic shit, and part of me feels like a withering plant, like pouring water over dry leaves thinking it’s just going to saturate itself and be instantly rejuvenated. im losing leaves in the process, as it were, and getting no “water” all this time. i feel like i’m in drought mode. these last six months are me basically conserving all i have, toeing away from the edge of the cliff because iw as so ready yall i was so fucking ready, i was ready to jump off, i spent whole lunch hours just ready to fucking leap, staring down the void, staring at the winding road that went up the mountain, staring at the deer who stared back at me, hiding my face from Adults who treated me like a wind-up doll, i just couldnt take it, ic ouldnt be somewhere that sterile, i couldnt be spending so much of my life getting so little back, i coudlnt see my friends ever, i couldnt breathe, but in general my brain is sick and i need to heal from all of these things, i need to figure out how i can cope with being alive because i am going to be alive at least a little longer and i need to not fear and crave death simultaneously. i do not want to die, I DO NOT want to die, but i cannot live in a constant state of recuperating. my life has just felt like the Shutting Down... screen for the last 2 years. 

NEED a new dentist NEED my teeth fixed PLEASE GOD open the stem cell dentin treatment to clinics worldwide GOD fix my TEETH PLEASE let me REGROW my TEETH NEED therapy NEED to fix my brain NEED to figure out how i can cope with being unable to support myself in this shit fucking economy NEED TO RECOVER NEED TO GET BETTER PLEASE IM FUCKING SUFFERING