#i guess i should take my own advice or some shit (i probably won't) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

frecklystars · 4 months ago

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I need some advice, if anyone is willing 🙏✨

I purchased a La La Land screenplay from someone on Etsy, apparently signed by Ryan and Emma for an extremely affordable price. I thought "oh, there is NO WAY in HELL these are real." and then I agonized over it for a few weeks because my god I need some serotonin, and I have a little bit of spending money left, and I WOULD like a La La Land screenplay, bonus points if it really is signed by Ryan and Emma.

Finally, I bought one, reading on the seller's page that they do full refunds/returns within 14 days of the delivery. So I had nothing to lose if I ended up discovering the autographs were fake, I could just send it back and get my full refund. No shipping fees either.

Screenplay got delivered. So gorgeous, everything looks all nice and official, got a Certificate of Authenticity with matching serial numbers. I had high hopes, at first. The sharpie Ryan and Emma supposedly signed with have bled through the page, so it cannot be a reprint. But I did some research on the "Certificate of Authenticity" and it is probably fabricated. I am 99% sure. Someone could easily fake this certificate, slap on some holographic stickers they made themself, and then mimic Ryan and Emma's signatures using their own sharpies.

It says it was certified by 8FL*X institute (the * is an "i" -- I won't type the name out fully because I'm afraid it'll show up in the tumblr search results, and this guy apparently has a tumblr with a shit ton of "receipts" on him. but more on that later) and - guess what - that is not an actual institute run by multiple people. That is a website run by one (1) dude -- the very dude who sold this to me on Etsy. On the certificate, it's HIS name that is signed saying it's official. Did he witness Ryan and Emma signing this?? I have no clue. How would I know that. I don't know how this stuff works tbh but I'm pretty sure it's not real, seeing someone selling *multiple* signed scripts for just $61 each, with a lot of A list celebrities.

The holographic stickers and serial numbers seem legit, but there is no way for me to search them online to check if they're authentic. It's as if he basically said "yep these signatures are real" and signed the certificate himself. Also, if you search "8fl*x nick" on tumblr, there's a whole ton of discourse??? because he apparently leaked a screenplay for Stranger Things when he wasn't supposed to, or something??? Listen. Listen. I fucking HATE mob mentality on this hellsite; any time there's a call out post about someone, I take that shit with a grain of salt, because you don't know what's real or not, whether or not the "sources" of someone's wrongdoings are completely fabricated screenshots or not, because it's SO easy to make fake screenshots these days. but I still think it's worth mentioning here that there are existing "receipts" on this guy, bc knowing there's discourse abt this seller just in general... doesn't help me feel reassured whatsoever.

If anyone is able to figure out a way that these signatures are legit btw, that would be great. but like I said, I don't know anything about buying online autographs. Maybe there's something I can do to verify, and I just don't know it.

Anyway I debated on whether or not I should keep the screenplay, decided in the heat of a moment "ah fuck it, I wasted money", I contacted the seller and didn't mention why, I just asked for a refund without any explanation -- to my surprise, have had no trouble! He's totally willing to give me a refund without any question. Huge relief. So if I am willing, I can get a full refund and send this most-likely-not-actually-autographed screenplay back.

Except. Now... I keep thinking about it... do I actually want to give it back? I mean yes it is the smart thing to get my money back but... here's the thing. I don't own a La La Land screenplay - like, physically in my hands. I love collecting screenplays. There's a La La Land screenplay for sale online for ten bucks, but it's not the one I want, and I'm not very fond of the cover for it... I can't find another La La Land screenplay anywhere online that's as pretty as this one. There's the 2013 original version and there's the 2015 final draft version, both are really fucking good and totally different. Lots of good content. This seller put together the 2015 version, and the colors look so nice, there's photos in the front when you open it up before you get to the signed page, it's just... it's so pretty. The signatures are pretty, even if they are most likely not real, it's kind of fun to just... hope blindly that maybe, just maybe, they're real. 99% sure that they're not -- but that 1% chance is nice to think about!

So, my question: is it smarter for me to get my full refund and just settle for not owning a La La Land screenplay? Or should I keep this, despite every time I look at the signatures I feel a pang of disappointment and think to myself "ah man that's not real and I spent sixty bucks on it" ??? OR... or. or. should I return this screenplay, get my refund, and then... just .... print the screenplay myself... and make my own very pretty screenplay???

If I go that third route -- HOW do I potentially print out the entire screenplay myself? If I knew how, I could include pictures of Ryan and Emma and just put together my OWN La La Land screenplay. Oh, hell, why stop there?? Why not replace Mia's name with mine, make a whole self ship script out of it, put my own story with Sebastian? Add some drawings?? Make it look like a real screenplay. That would be such a fun project.

But... I don't own a printer and I don't know if it would cost fifty bajillion hundred thousand dollars to go to a printing shop and ask them to print up a hundred pages for me. Or... is that too big of a project to take on? Am I just being silly? ;-;

ok thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I love u.

#its nothing serious and nothing stressful! i am just Bad at making decisions lol #if anyone can take 2 mins to read and respond i would appreciate it #this post is queued i am at work all day but when i come home ill read responses :)

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polyamorouspunk · 1 month ago

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heyyy polypunk, long time ghost follower and first time asker. just wanted to vent a Lil and seek advice to make sure I wasn't crazy. I've been in a relationship with a friend, kinda casual and unlabeled, for the past few months. I thought it was a relationship anarchy thing but it's never been clear, we both agreed to deliberately be unlabeled cause we didnt believe in em for ourselves. but we'd been arguing more in the past week in text, so I finally invited him over to talk, and he "thinks it's better if we stay platonic for now because [he is] too busy with his primary partner". he was admittedly really kind and understanding about it, gave me time to process, a glimmer of hope. but it just makes it harder... I wish he had been an asshole so I could let go easier, but I also really hope we *can* stay friends and it won't be strange now. (makes it even harder that I have BPD, so the impulse and breaking down). I've already said I needed space for a bit etc, and I'm seeking comfort from my own partner, but do you have any other advice for trying to let go?

Taking space is a great start. If you do truly want to keep being friends you’re going to have to re-establish communication at some point, and you’re probably not going to know when that point is, it’s going to be a guessing game. You might think you’re good to reach out and as soon as you do you feel that dagger of pain shooting through you. Or maybe you reach out and things are great and as soon as they respond is when you go oof ouch my heart and feel like shit about it.

Let yourself cry. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be angry. You can still be mad at someone for dumping you even if they were nice and civil about it. You can still vent about the issues you were having before and how it sucks that they treated you this way etc. etc. and how it shouldn’t have ended like that and they should have given you the opportunity to hear you out etc.

I mean when ⚡️ was isolating I was venting to our mutuals friends about it and a lot of shit that was bothering me that she did. I was like “that bitch” this and “that bitch” that but any time anyone was like yeah you should dump her I was like no I love her, the issue is that I want to work through this shit and she doesn’t. And then when she did dump me I wasn’t even surprised honestly, like I had it coming tbh in a way, but she made it worse by being her. Like I don’t think I was in the wrong for taking issue with how she handled things even if when she dumped me she was very tactile about it. Like she wasn’t mean in any way at all ever but I was still able to vent about shit and have our friends rightfully say “that’s shitty that she did that” even though she never meant to hurt me ever.

And obviously none of that has stopped me from loving her. I did take some space from her after sorting things out because I felt like I needed it, and that was the right move I think. It’s different because I am still with her, but I’m more comfortable in our relationship than I have been up to this point.

If you’re not ready to let go that’s where the issue is going to lie. People kept telling me to dump ⚡️ and I kept saying no because *I* was not ready. I know myself and my BPD well enough to know that there is a point I reach with someone’s “bullshit” that is my breaking point and when that happens then I can leave them and not regret it, but I know if I had left before that I would have regretted it.

It’s hard though when someone else makes that decision for you.

When my ex dumped me I was very confused and lost because I was like but don’t you still love me and he was like yes so I was like so do we still say “I love you” and we did until he said it didn’t feel right anymore. It was helpful to kind of taper that relationship off, and the main issue was when he decided he just never wanted to speak to me again out of the blue. On the one hand it made things between us easier: no contact by order of him. But on the other hand I was not able to process that and work through it really well so it’s been like 3 years now and I’m still not “over” it because I wasn’t ready for that.

It sucks because everyone has the right to end a relationship when they want, but if the other person isn’t ready for that it’s hard for them to cope. I mean yeah I haven’t spoken to my ex in almost 3 years. I have a wonderful girlfriend I’ve had for almost a year now who I’m now able t be with now that I’m not with that ex. I have the girl of my dreams now too. And I’m still not over my ex.

I would latch onto the “for now�� part too, and I mean, I’ve had ⚡️ kinda stringing me along with that mentality too for the past few months (again though, I think we’re in the best place we have been so far over the past few weeks, and I’m much more comfortable and confident in our relationship than I have been) so yes, like, sometimes it does work out for the best! But sometimes you get situations like I had with 🔮 where it’s like yeah you really fucked me up and the stress of you stringing me along only to dump me led me to a really low point in my life I’m still dealing with even though I’m dating your friend ⚡️ which is the girl I wanted to be dating anyway and I was just settling for you.

Plus there are just so many factors outside of that too. Like how’s the world around you? How’s your home life? How’s work? How’s school? If those things are “perfect” that’s going to contribute to any depression you’re feeling from this breakup.

Just because it was unlabeled doesn’t mean it wasn’t a breakup and you didn’t get dumped. Validate yourself in recognizing that.

#punk gets mail #the punk gives advice

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seraphim-sarai · 28 days ago

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Seraphim Showcase: Sarai

“Hello, sweetie. Are you enjoying yourse-, Oh dear, has something happened?”

Echo looks at Sarai with a faux sympathetic look.

“Perhaps you'd like someone to talk to about it? I believe it would help. Oh where are my manners, dear, my name is Echo, it's lovely to meet you.”

Sarai looked up. She wasn’t in the mood to speak with anyone, but she wanted to remain polite. She was still in public.

“Greetings,” she said softly, “I am Sarai. And…there’s no need. I am perfectly fine. Go enjoy yourself. That is what this party is for. For the Winners.”

Not for the Seraphim. Certainly not for me.

“Did you have some trouble with one of those ruffian Exorcists? They can be quite the mess to deal with. Some nice ones out there though, I guess. But a Seraph such as yourself probably doesn't concern yourself with matters of those riff-raff”.

She smiles at Sarai.

“Tell me dear, what important matters have you so out of sorts at this party.”

Sarai sighs.

“Just…everything. I’ve failed to be a good Apprentice, a good sister…and an even worse lover. I suppose that’s my lot in this eternal life - one of failure.”

“Oh my, dear, that is a lot of responsibility for others' happiness you're putting on yourself. Have you ever considered that maybe you aren't getting what you deserve? Hmm? Why sweetie, you seem to be the most put together Seraph here...despite this little setback. Maybe people have made you feel like you don't deserve good things...but you do. Perhaps you should let everyone know just how powerful you can be on your own, you don't need their approval.”

“Powerful on my own?” Sarai scoffs, “You must be new around here. I am not known for any power.”

She softens her tone, realizing she might be coming off as rude.

“But…I appreciate your advice and your coming to me. Thank you, Echo.”

“I've been around long enough to see potential, my dear. Why you could be the best of them...but you have to stop letting these exorcists and these bullies make you feel like you are less than you are. They're jealous of you, that's all. Power through, my dear, let them know you won't take their shit anymore!”

Echo covers her mouth and laughs, feigning embarrassment.

“Oh my, pardon my language, dear sometimes my mouth runs faster than my brain.”

“No need to apologize. I find my mouth runs too fast for my own good.”

She considers Echo’s words for a moment. She almost wants to believe that she’s right. But what potential did she have? Besides, how would she even begin?

“Power through, you say? I suppose you have ideas on how I could?”

“Why of course, dear! The next time one of those brutish exorcists gives you trouble, show that Seraphim form of yours and don't back down. They'll walk all over you if you let them. And why? They're so much less than you. As for your so-called "superiors" why do you think they haven't allowed you to move up? They know you'll outshine them in every way...so you might as well start now, sweetie. It's your time…”

She looks at the clock.

“Speaking of time, I should go mingle, early day tomorrow! It was lovely meeting you, Sarai. I hope you'll take my words to heart. Take what you want, my dear, or else someone will take it from you.”

As Echo leaves, Sarai considers her words for a moment.

Don’t back down…start now…take what you want…

Should she? Or would this be yet another thing she would fail at?

Take what you want…or else someone will take it from you…

#seraphimshowcase #hazbin hotel oc #hazbin hotel sarai #hazbin hotel rp #hazbin hotel rp blog #seraphim-sarai #ask cerethos #lutualverse

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askthefivefallen · 5 months ago

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Righty, have you looked into getting something like a hamster cage for the rats? It would be a good compromise because they would be contained BUT! You could add fun tunnels and multiple cages for them to run around in so it would be as big as it needed to be. You could put some floating shelves in your room and then put some cages up higher and some lower, utilizing the height of your room so it doesn’t necessarily have to be all over the place (although it totally could be). Also rats can be litter trained like cats for easy cleanup. It would also potentially keep them safe from a certain maid with an angelic steel knife, if you catch my drift…

R: "I'm trying to find more information on rat care but this sounds really cool! But, uh... I think this kinda means... getting my own room which is... scary..."

L: "Exorcists bunk together in groups; with the exception of the Lieu- dang, it's hard to acclimate, of the Commander, who always had her own quarters, the rest of us were either in one long bay at the beginning or smaller ones after we got split into flights. Since we Fell, we've all bunked together. The Hotel's rooms are... deceptively spacious."

R: "I wonder why that is."

L: "Probably infernal sorcery."

R: "Anyway, back to my rat pack."

L: "Please don't call them that."

R: "I guess it's why I kinda bonded with the lil guys. They're just like Exorcists, in a way. Sometimes, the flights would get jumbled up- something about combating complacency- so we always had to be ready to just pick up and move, settle somewhere new. We never had much space to ourselves; it was all communal. The rats live like that, too, but I guess getting them a nice, safe place where they can run around and have fun without dodging Nifty or Vaggie would be a good idea." *hums* "Not sure about having my own room, though. Wouldn't it get lonely?"

L: "You and I could share a room, if it'll make you feel better."

R: "Uhhh, nah, I think we should probably take Lucifer's advice and try branching out on our own. Besides, you and I have been bunkmates for... literal, actual centuries. Let's switch it up! Maybe Ass could be my roommate?"

<small>A: "Only if Venom gets to hunt the baby rats!"</small>

R: "FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!"

A: "Then I won't be your fuckin' roommate!"

L: "So... I'd bunk with Junior?"

R: "Junior should have his own room; he's a growing boy. You'd bunk with Tits. This is a foolproof plan!"

L: "Wait, uh, hold on-"

R: "I'll go talk to Charlie about getting us new rooms and, hey, maybe she can magic up a huge cage tunnel thing for them to run around in! Oh, and maybe we can get more tanks so Ass can get more snakes!"

A: "Oh, shit, nevermind, I'm on board, roomie!"

L: "Can we talk about this?"

R: "No time, I'm on a mission! Only the best for my rat pack!" *darts off* "Charlie! Hey, Charlie!"

L: *groans*

[Later]

T: "Woo! That was a helluva workout!" *pops open water bottle to chug* "Hey, Ass, what did I miss?"

A: "You and Lefty are roommates now."

T: *chokes*

A: "Ha. Nerd."

#ask the fallen #group response

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kneelingshadowsalome · 1 year ago

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woah sorry to hear you got plagiarized! it reminds me of something i recently saw

someone published a fanfic in a pretty small fandom, and through the first few chapters i could recognize several details, and even a similar writing style, from another fanfic that was published a few years ago, although the old author from the original fanfic is no longer active in the fandom. the new author even formatted their chapters the same specific way the old author did.

and as i read on i saw whole ideas and chunks of dialogue being copied, and it made me think gosh are you not embarrassed??!! 😣 you blatantly stole like 80% of someone’s concept!

i guess i’m looking for advice or tips on how to approach it. i don’t want to stir up drama, but i also don’t think i should just let it happen. is there a respectful way i could go about it as a reader, without making a harsh accusation?

whew oops that was long. sorry if it seems random that i’m coming to you with this, but i thought you might understand the ick i got!!

Heyy! 🥰 Answer below the cut ->

Firstly: damn that sounds such an awkward thing to come across. I think it's very kind and sweet of you to want and do something about it.

Yk, my "case" was small potatoes compared to this. Doesn't mean I think it's cool 😅 It gives you this feeling of "Wouldn't it be nice to like... come up with your own stuff?" 👉👈

And I know certain things are repeated across the fandom because it's canon or fits the character so well, such as Ghost muttering Fuckin' hell or calling their boo Sweetheart or Luv (the latter being basic terms of endearment and, to my understanding, more commonly used than e.g. Honey or Babe if you're British.) So I certainly don't view things like that as plagiarizing or copying.

But stealing story ideas and plots and chunks of dialogue and even the formatting style...? Like, what is this person thinking exactly 🥺

I would perhaps inform the original writer about this case, but if they're not in the fandom anymore/can't be reached through message, well, that leaves the uncomfortable option of stepping up and telling this person that you noticed so many similarities to author Y's work X that you want to kindly remind that this is plagiarism and that copying someone else's creative work is not ok. (Or something along the lines of that. I don't know how you can put shit like this kindly because it is what it is)

And then there's the fact that people can simply have certain incapacities in understanding what they're doing sometimes. And I don't mean this in a demeaning way, it's just that not everyone is doing unkind things out of spite or lust for fame or whatever. They just might not see how problematic or even illegal it is.

And some people just don't care and mainly hope they won't get caught. In these cases it's only kinda sad that you don't want to use your own imagination to create but have to lean on other people's skill and talent and passion to feed off from. It doesn't even make me angry, you know? Just makes me confused.

If I was this writer getting mugged I would be eternally grateful if someone informed me (like someone did in my case of small potatoes 💖) about it. And if it ever came to my knowledge that someone had called out such blatant stealing of my work, I would probably be moved to tears.

BUT you ultimately do what you deem right and also feel strong enough to do. These things happen and sometimes you just have to accept it. It can be very exhausting to intervene because like we both agreed, this shit is uncomfortable. Just saying this as a kind reminder to take care of yourself first before helping others 🩷

Hope this was of some help!

#answered #plagiarism

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treba-neco-napise · 9 days ago

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as an audhd pereon (who doesn't really know what getting new interests is like for only autistic folk), i'd like to second that with hyperfixations because, especially if you don't have adhd meds, it fucks up all your plans so bad. a few years ago i had a whole plan for a week of holidays to catch up on all my homework and atudying. guess what? i randomly rewatched a video from my fav cosplay channel and, i shit you not, spent like 80% of awake time that week watching their channel. i didn't want to. i wanted to get my own stuff done, but i couldn't. i couldn't focus, my brain would only run one specific program and yes, i 'd probably be able to manage it if i got some advice and help from someone who knew how, but i'd still struggle as hell. and then once you carve out a place for it in your life, it goes away like that and you have to either make peace with not hyperfixating on anything right now, or quickly find something to replace it because you're incredibly demotivated to do anything without a hpyerfixation. which is ironic because then you're only motivated to do stuff around that one specific thing your brain won't stop screaming about.

it's not some sort of skill that makes us come up with cool ideas or do a workload in a timespan that a neurotypical person somehow couldn't. we can't make our brains shut up unless we get a significant amount of support, and even then we struggle. i can do this big project in one sitting, if you're at peace with me literally not getting up, taking a sip of water or eating for five hours even though i desperately want and need to.

executive dysfunction is a serious disability that neurotypical people should be educated on (though that would probably turn it into popularized and misunderstood therapy language along with gaslighting and boundaries...) because not only does it explain so much of our struggles, it accompanies depression, anxiety, alzheimer's and other conditions that literally everybody can experience second- or even first-hand.

but also when it comes to special interests, i very much would like to be able to not have to remind myself "don't start don't start don't start" when a certain topic of conversation arises because it means if i open my mouth i'll inevitably burst into a lecture on all my thoughts that, unless stopped, could take from four hours to a week.

I think that special interests are actually a disabling part of autism

I'm tired of people (allistic and autistic) saying that it's bad that special interests are 'pathologised' because passions are good. This is because that comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of what a special interest is. Special interests are not just things you like a lot, they are 'highly fixated interests abnormal in intensity or focus'. For me (and pretty much everyone with autism I've asked about it), this means that special interests are basically your whole life. For me, my special interest is ASD. I think about autism all the time. It's the only thing I find interesting, and every thought I have can be linked to autism in some way. This is pretty disabling to me because it makes it way harder to talk about and do stuff that isn't related to my special interest.

It makes making friends really hard because, on top of my social challenges, I also don't know how to talk about anything other than my special interest, and I will bring the conversation back to my special interest if I feel comfortable around someone, and just not talk to someone if I don't feel comfortable around them. It also makes doing the things I need to do in life (such as doing work for uni, taking care of myself, cleaning my living space, etc) so much harder because my brain doesn't think it's interesting in the slightest and therefore I have absolutely no motivation to do them.

Maybe my special interests are more extreme than other people's. I wasn't diagnosed with a level, I just got a diagnosis of ASD, but I'm probably on the higher end of level 1, possibly on the lower end of level 2 but I can't really figure that out for myself. However, the ASD diagnostic criteria in both the ICD-11 and DSM-V state that your traits of autism must be causing 'clinically significant impairment' (i.e. they must be disabling) for you to qualify for an ASD diagnosis.

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timeoverload · 4 months ago

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Today wasn't great but it could have been worse I guess. I managed to avoid having a panic attack earlier. I had 12 cases this morning and that wasn't too bad. I had 18 cases this afternoon so I got slammed. I was not too happy about that but I survived. I also got out of there on time so that was good.

That guy that has a crush on me was saying weird shit again today. He told me he is going to nursing school. He told me that he needed help learning to change people. He basically asked if he could practice on me. He immediately said he was kidding, but I was disgusted. I yelled at him and left the room for a little bit. I want to talk to the director about his behavior but I don't know if it will do any good. I have gone to talk to him about the other creepy guy at work, and I feel like he didn't take me seriously then because nothing got resolved for months so I had to continue to be around him. I don't know if my boss would be able to do anything about it. I don't know what to do. I have already made it very clear that I'm not interested in him but he is persistent. I am probably going to have to go to HR at some point.

I'm pretty sure I tore the disc in my back again yesterday when I was in decontam. I have still had pain since my injection, but it has been manageable until now. I thought my tear was slowly healing but I overdid it and I lifted too much. I was moving too fast because I wanted to be as efficient as I used to be. I regret it. I haven't felt like this in a while. I want to take a muscle relaxer but I'm not going to. My legs feel like jello because I had to move too much earlier. I hate this.

Maxwell, I have also been frustrated today. I don't think that you actually expected me to apply for that job and now you don't know what to do. I'm sorry if I surprised you in a bad way, but I'm not afraid of you. I might be quiet and shy, but I have more guts than you think. I want to keep things moving and it's impossible because you are so stubborn! I am trying to show some initiative. I'm not going to apologize for wanting to spend time with you. You also told me that I need to "put myself out there more", and I did, so why can't you do the same? I'm not trying to stress you out but I think that maybe you should take your own advice. Now you know how I felt every time I had to do something that scared me to come see you. It's not a good feeling to be that anxious and I'm sorry you have to experience that. I felt like i was going to die and I know it sucks. That feeling isn't going to go away until you take action. It's not going to kill you and you will feel better when it's over. We will both feel better. After that happens, we won't have to get stressed out about seeing each other and everything will be great.

I don't really want to keep trying to search for other jobs. I might have to because I am so miserable and no one has gotten back to me. Maybe I don't have the right qualifications so I guess I understand that. I don't really want to go anywhere else other than the shop. I think it might be difficult to get a job now since I have a lot of tattoos. Honestly, I will probably feel humiliated if I don't get that job. It is going to make it hard for me to go back, even though I have an appointment next month. I might have to reschedule when it gets closer if I am still sad about it. I don't want to have to do that but I don't want to burden anyone with my tears. I'm not saying I will never go back, but it's not going to be easy. I am just going to warn you about that now. I don't like feeling rejected and I don't want to cause any problems either. We will see what happens I suppose.

I am also frustrated because I don't understand why you are still being mean to yourself. I don't understand why you can't accept that you are a wonderful person. You are not ugly at all. I try to compliment your appearance often and I have told you that I think you are handsome many times. You are a beautiful man. I don't think that I am shallow, but I don't think that I would settle for somebody that I wasn't extremely attracted to. Do you really think that I would want to have a baby with someone that I didn't find attractive? I think that we would make cute babies. When you say negative things about yourself, I feel like my words of encouragement aren't reaching you. I feel sad when I don't feel like the things I say make a difference. I am going to kick your ass (affectionate) if I hear you putting yourself down again! I think that maybe your negative view of yourself could be affecting your relationships.

I think that you are very smart and incredibly talented. You are very good looking. You have the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. I love your hair. You also can make me laugh so that's a bonus. I love that we have a lot of the same interests. I'm glad that we share the same views about politics and the world. You have a nice personality and you are unique. I like that you are sensitive and caring. I love that you make me feel special. I know that you can be very sweet and I want you to show me that. You are everything I want in a partner. There's no one else that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I really hope things get better soon. I love you so much no matter what. 💖💖💖

Anyway, I have other shit that I need to do tonight and it's already after 8:30. I don't have much of an appetite because I have been stressed. I am going to have to eat something cold because hot food is nauseating when I feel like this. I have some boost in the fridge too. I will be ok. I think I need to put some ice on my back and try to relax. I am enjoying being able to have my window open since it is so nice outside. I am going to do my best to get to bed earlier than I have the past 2 nights. I am so tired. I am hoping that tomorrow won't be as hectic and I'll try to make it a good day.

I hope everyone else has a great day tomorrow. 💖💖💖

#personal

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skinni-girls-eat-books · 1 year ago

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Saturday Nov 11th, 2023

7am I have received some dumb ass news. I will be relying on this journaling shit HEAVY ASF until I can get therapist tbh. Literally wtf. How do you go from having a curfew to a weeklong sleepover at your gfs house. I have no idea how this family works anymore wtf. They don't have shit for morals and I'm sorry they don't know how to raise their kids. You think they've had enough of them to it figure out by now. Some of these are thoughts from last night. But more and more I don't want to be a part of this family, or have kids in this family. They're all really fucking shady and I want to be comfortable bringing my kids around their relatives, something I basically never had growing up. It's just another reason to stop thinking this stupid shit about getting back together bc it's really damn hard to imagine these people as grandparents, aunts and uncles like they're all really fucked up. Shit sucks but it's a harsh reality, and I've always seen the good in people, so I like them, but I can see their flaws and obviously know what not to like about them. Some people are just fucked up, and it's looking very genetic here. I'll just leave that there lol.

8am gotta get ready for work and to go see live music later! Bringing a change of clothes but if I need to come home between that's ok too I have plenty of time, I'm just bringing the clothes so I have options ❤️ let's have some fun!

5pm hello I got Starbucks and have been chilling in my car listening to NPR. I have only ingested caffeine today and I THINK that's why I right now feel very anxious. Plus I have to poop but I probably won't/ can't do that until I get home bc I will not be using a portopotty at this festival lmao. It feels so good to actually identify logical reasons (and illogical) for why I am sitting in my car feeling so anxious. Going to get out now and walk around even tho I feel shaky and nervous ik it's just my circumstances right now lol. I should probably eat something.

I need to remember that the best part about my situation is that I can enjoy the positive aspects of friendship without having to deal with the dumbass tomfoolery that made being in a functioning relationship absolutely impossible. He brought up his bike and it all came flooding back all the shit that I really disliked. The pure obsession with something so expensive and dangerous. Like good for you! I'm glad that doesn't affect me PERSONALLY anymore but talk all you want! Because I'm busy doing my shit that I enjoy and value lmao without having to suffer the consequences of your insane obsessions :) I won't be around the next time shit doesn't work out. I'll be straight up chilling probably with a jack n coke listening to an indie band while you're in financial distress bc you never took anyone's advice that actually cares about your future. Ok rant over haha

630pm Holy shit I just had a burger so good I'm sweating. Gigglewaters Speakcheesey Burger wowowow

Haha I want to text him badly. Why? He left me on open with no response to me having a good time without him. I know he's ok. I wish he here with me, but he's not and I never could make him come with me. He doesn't care to listen to what I like and literally has no original thought about it. He's so lame, all talk and no walk. Heard you loud n clear, lmk when your shit takes off. I miss the idea of having someone to go to these things with, but that's not him, it's me and my imagination lol. If I invited him to this, yk where he'd be? With his bike friends. He wouldn't want to just sit and chill w me, his ADHD brain just wouldn't let him I guess. I love him but he's not the one clearly bc he would've already wanted to leave as soon as the sun went down, or he'd be texting another girl or guilt tripping me into buying some overpriced shit from the vendors instead of *just enjoying the music peacefully and chill* he was always stressful to bring to these things bc he could not pay for anything that he wanted like his own meal and it turned a chill event into resentful burden. Always one-sided effort to do anything seriously. Now look at me. I can stay however long I want, sit wherever I want, not have to worry about entertaining a grown man seriously. It was like having a toddler but he was supposed to be my equal partner. If I wanted a baby, I'd have a baby, not a "bf". The end. Wow this journaling rocks!

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dzpenumbra · 1 year ago

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7/30/23

I'm going to write this and then do yoga to wind down before bed. I'm... angry. I'm upset. So I'm going to just start with that and get that out and process those emotions before moving on to the positives.

If I never hear another person say "I'd love to help you with your work" and then fucking suggest I get into another line of work, it will be too soon. Get fucked. Seriously. I'm just really fucking done being polite about this. Get fucked. All of you.

"I came to you specifically because I love your art style, I always have!" (Has never bought a single one of my pieces, won't even go on to Instagram to see what work I've been up to since fucking college.) "You know, you should really get into graphic design. Then you can make your real work in your free time that you won't have because your commissions will take up all your time and creative energy now!"

Hey, guess what. If I wanted to learn a new medium right now, it would be 3D modelling, not fucking designing logos. If I wanted to design logos, and it was something that creatively called out to me, something that I didn't struggle with... I would probably start with MY OWN FUCKING BRANDING. But yeah, I'm just some hack dime-a-dozen wannabe artist who's just doodling and playing with hobby projects all day... who should get a "real job" like designing a label for Grandma Margaret's Jam or some shit. With a program I've never used. In a style I've never done.

Here's the fun part. You ready? Just the tip of the iceberg with the fun part, don't worry, it gets much better as it goes along. So... a huge defining line for me between working as a fine artist and working as a designer for someone else is... ready for it? I have to draw what they are looking for. They are not approaching me for my vision. They are approaching me for my version of their vision. However... 90% of these people are not creative enough to come up with shit that looks good enough that I'd want to put my name on it. That I even want to sink hours and hours into making it, and learning the techniques required to make it. It bores me. It is, by definition, uninspired.

I, as an artist, have a very broad stream of inspiration I'm working with right now. I have many projects being developed simultaneously right now, to the point where some have been put on hold (like two of the mini-Zen gardens). I'm already overwhelmed. And the advice I'm given... to help me with having too much inspiration and not enough time, resources or manpower to get them all done before more ideas start spewing out... and nowhere to put the finished pieces so that people can even find them... The advice is... "fill the majority of your time with making someone else's ideas." "Cut your studio hours in half (at least), fill the bulk of it with paid gigs where you draw someone else's 'cool idea', then squeeze in some 'fun time' to work on your cute little 'passion projects' on the side."

I said it gets better. You ready? Not only is graphic design arguably the most competitive artistic field in human history, but I am going into that field with a net total of about 4 hours of experience with the required medium. I do not have an eye for logo design, in fact... quite the opposite. I went over this on the phone today, I have no clue if he actually processed this. Logos really need to be simple and minimal, with reduced detail in order to be legible. Especially when being scaled. They tend to need to be low detail. My specialty is hand-crafting and detail work. I specialize in literally the opposite of this. And it makes me start to think he was just blowing smoke and fluffing me up in order to get me onboard by saying he wanted my art style. I'm not sure he entirely knows what artstyle is even going to work with what he's looking for.

Okay, I gave fair warning... here's the best part. Of all of the artistic jobs that are currently under threat of being lost to AI, this is by fucking miles the biggest. If there was any artistic field that would be obliterated by AI, it's graphic design. Why? Grandma Margaret can just go on that website and type in "jam label that says 'Grandma Margaret's Jam' that looks like _____". And an AI will instantly produce multiple drafts of that for her. For free.

What I'm getting at with all of this is... my friend contacted me for a task that, to me... is kind of the equivalent of me calling him up and asking him to help with a clogged sink. He works in pipe fabrication and specialty welding. I mean... it's all pipes... right? And offering to pay him for it. And when he says "sure, for a friend" and we get to talking about his business and he starts talking about how he's kinda struggling a bit to get things where they need to be in order to keep the bills paid, my way of "helping him" is to tell him he should quit his fucking job... do it as a hobby in his free time... and be a plumber.

Does he have a right to say "I don't want to be a plumber?" If his business is struggling, can he really afford to turn down taking on a primary gig of unclogging peoples' toilets?

Better than all that, let me just come out and say it. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS "HELP"? You know what helps an artist who has been struggling with mental health stuff that makes social interaction difficult? Help with the social side. Fucking DURRRR. How about you BUY A FUCKING PAINTING?! How about that? How about you get a piece of my original art, a piece of jewelry, maybe commission me to paint something on your guitar case? Something like that? And fucking show that shit off. You don't support a tattooist by telling them to get into fucking web design. That's how you create another website designer. Fucking imbiciles, I just don't understand how people make these logical leaps. I mean, it has to come from a lack of familiarity with the field. It has to. They must have no fucking clue how different freehand painting and carving wooden staves with hand-tools is from working in fucking Dreamweaver.

"Oh, you went to culinary school and trained to be a chef? And you're very talented? But you struggle with crippling social anxiety, agoraphobia and PTSD? Oh man, let me help you! Here, here's your help. Give up on being a chef and go be a fucking bartender."

Fuck you.

That doesn't even help me work towards my goals. In fact, it requires me to put my goals aside in order to focus on something else. And then I'll "learn to love it". And then 10 years later, I'll look at a calendar and see 2033 and see myself at 46 still barely squeezing in time to make my own work. Realizing I haven't drawn anything inspired by my own thoughts, my own inspiration, since X was called "Twitter".

That sounds like Hell.

I'll take my chances, thank you. I'd rather go get rejected at art galleries over and over than do that shit, thanks though.

And on top of this... and this is pretty par for the course for this guy... but he told me to plug my ears when we were in a social/business call... so he could shoot a fox with a .45 pistol with hollow point rounds. Because it had been fucking with his chickens. Here's an idea, Mr. Handyman. Build a better chicken coop.

I'm a bit upset that I was present for that. I love foxes. I really do. They get such a bad wrap. One of the last times I cried about something that wasn't the loss of a family member was witnessing the corpse of a fox in my old neighborhood that used to visit my house that got hit by a car. I was mortified. We had met in the driveway several times. Foxes are lovely animals. And he took it out with one shot, one handed while on the phone and bragged. And I just nodded and smiled and went along with it, blending in. I actually told him, if he felt up to it, I'd be willing to take some of its remains (pelt, teeth, claws, bones) to make something out of it. I'm not sure what, probably jewelry from teeth or claws, not sure about the fur, the bones would have to be cleaned but I could carve or paint them. His response? "I don't think there's much left of it, to be honest." Like... the most modern American answer imaginable.

It really upset me that he didn't even try there. And that he isn't entertaining the idea of potentially using a smaller caliber or a trap in order to... have the remains be usable. I don't like that he feels he needs to resort to killing it. Let's get that straight. I'm vegetarian, so I figure that would be implicit... But I do understand that he feels that's a more effective, practical solution for him. And I'm not willing to confront him on that. What did deeply upset me was that he didn't even make an effort to try to preserve the remains to show that animal respect. I really would like to find a way for us all to take a more "use every part of the buffalo" approach to life. It's so wasteful, so disrespectful, to not only treat that creatures life as though it is absolutely meaningless to you, but to overkill it in such a needlessly cavalier way and refuse to honor their remains by having them turned into something precious. How savage. The cowboys you mimic would be ashamed. The pioneer industrialists would give you a standing ovation. "Throw that in the garbage pile where it belongs."

Welp, don't be surprised if what you put out into the world - a smug sense of superiority, a lack of compassion or empathy, a detachment from ethics - ends up facing you someday. I don't know how I keep ending up face-to-face with these people. Maybe I just never filtered them out. I don't know.

In the past, I would've normalized his behavior. "Haha, that's just what he does." Now? I'm not going to stop him, I'm not going to shame him - it is not my role to play - but I'm absolutely not approving or downplaying. But man, if you've got any sense about you... I'd say the number one thing you do NOT want to piss off by being disrespectful? It's Nature. So... maybe show a little more respect?

So yeah... not really sure if he's still... "friend material". Maybe with limits? But I'll try to give his logo thing a shot. As a favor for a friend. A paid favor. But, to be completely honest... I don't want him going around and recommending me for graphic design. I do not enjoy this process. I don't like having to read the mind of a non-creative. I do not like having to submit endless drafts by a person who is acting like an artist, using me as their creative puppet. It's not enjoyable. It's not my work. And it's really not how my creative process functions. It's something that utilizes my trained skills that I've developed over the years, with little smidges of creative influence. And it's something very visible. So yeah, I don't mind if he tells people he got it done by a local artist who doesn't usually do this kind of stuff. In fact, that would make it much more special and impressive, so he can brag about it. And god knows, if it's one thing that man likes to do, it's brag and show off. Always has been. I just really hope he doesn't go around saying "you should get my friend to design blahblahblah for you". It's a very different thing than saying, "you should see my friend's art exhibit," or "you like that painting? It's one of a kind. My friend made it. You should check his shit out."

And on that note... I think I'm going to take down my derelict unused print shop finally. It cheapens my work. And, again, it's not what I do. It's a perfectly fine thing to do if your intention is to make prints. But my intention has never been to make prints, it has been to make one-of-a-kind pieces. I was peer-pressured into selling prints. And only sold single prints to... the people who peer-pressured me. Oh fuck. So... Wow... Okay... So... I pulled up my sales on that shop. I only sold one duplicate. A mandala I made for my aunt, which was purchased by my aunt, and by my mom. So... Jesus Christ, the reality of this really hurts. That piece. That I made for my cancer survivor aunt, but my mom wanted a copy and convinced me to scan it so they both got prints from an online print shop... that piece netted me $20, it took me at least 6 hours to make. A mechanical dragonfly piece that I drew for my younger brother as a tattoo design but he "didn't want"... was bought for $11. One of my trademark pieces, a realistic chipmunk that I drew in college... I sold one to my brother and one to my Mom. I never should have cloned that piece, it's too special, it's 15 years old. It has netted me $20 total. And a copy of the tattoo design that I made for the ex-wife of this friend I'm doing graphic design for, that was sold to my former best friend for $10. So... total, my body of work from this print shop has netted me about $60 since the start of the pandemic. Ready for the mind-fuck?

The chipmunk original... could likely go for over $2000. Alone. More, if someone valued it higher. That's how art works. The mandala? Maybe $150? I don't know about that one. I'm not very good with pricing at all. Point being - all of these pieces were bought by family members or former friends. All of them were bought for pennies, only two of them were duplicates. So... if one of them had bought one of my original pieces... I would've made probably bare minimum 3x the amount that I ended up making total for all of them. And it would not have made any negative difference, that original is just sitting in a fucking portfolio right now. As long as that piece has a good home where the owner loves it, that's where it belongs.

But I live in a world where people don't value my art. They don't mind buying a cheap copy, but they don't want the original. I have personally been witness to my own pieces being propped up in a closet next to a litterbox and draped over a rocking chair in a hallway with a hole torn in the middle, and shoved in the back of barn with scrap wood.

I don't need to ask people "how can you help me?" I don't think I ever have, honestly. I can tell them very clearly how to support me. Buy my shit. And be a goddamn fan. Stop being a fake fan. Show a genuine interest in what I do. Ask me if there is any story behind the mandala on my skateboard. Guess what? There is for every fucking piece. Hell, ask me what the fuck I'm working on! Tell your friends about how cool my work is.

You know what's depression fuel? Having to explain to people how to support you as a creator... right after they've sung the praises of another one. I don't have to teach this guy how to sing the praises of his favorite tool company, or his favorite brand of survival gear, or his favorite beer or cigarettes, or his favorite restaurant. Or, bringing this more back in-genre, his favorite podcast or music. You don't need to coach someone on how to share things that they genuinely enjoy. Because... they do it willingly. So... you get where I'm going here? When they say that? It very overtly, to my face, tells me that they don't like my shit. That they say they like my shit, but they don't even know what I do, and really aren't willing to put in the time or effort to even find out what I do. They just know that I can "draw good" and if I draw for a company that's already established, or get a drawing on a fucking beer can or something, that equals $$$. That's all. That's all they process. And they look at me like I'm stupid for continuing to pursue my career, my life, rather than follow their out-of-nowhere unsolicited career-swap idea. When all they'd need to do to help my business? And help my life as a whole... Is to be a good friend.

How deeply, deeply sobering.

Welp, until he brings up "The Path" unprompted... I'm going to charge him full price. And I'll have to brainstorm what that number actually is. Not a smart idea to tell me you get paid $90/hour... while in a business meeting where you're going to be paying me... That fox's life alone is gonna tack a few hundred onto the end of this gig.

All of that said... it was good to talk to someone again. And he did seem... generally supportive. He saw my side with how I got scammed by the dealership and lost my car. He was sympathetic about how the old house I was renting was falling apart and filled with mold and how that was fucking with my health. He seemed optimistic about me living in an area with more younger creative people.

He just seemed more concerned with sharing his opinions than asking questions, so... yeah. That's a thing. I'm sure he's having quite a few relationship problems because of that nasty trait.

So... I'm not going to take that too close to heart. He means well, but if he's not helping me pursue my goals... then he's trying to set new ones for me. And that's not support, that's coercion. I learned that from my family! Yay! They actually taught me something! Supporting your artist/musician son by saying "of course you can make your art... in your free time... but in the meantime you need to get a 'real job', like working in the stock market, like we happen to do and consider a 'real job'." Yeah man... um... that's supporting someone to do something you want them to do... not what they want to do... that's not... support... it's more of a veiled threat. The veil being - the generosity. The threat being - if you pursue art full time, we will not support you. And they get away with it by just acting as though being a full-time artist is... not a career. But convincing your friends to give you their hard earned money, so you can just... give that money to brokers to invest it in successful companies... and taking a slice off the top for choosing those companies? Now that is a career. That's a "real job".

I'm sure people have differing schools of thought on that respective to what kind of family they grew up in... I am firmly standing by that statement. If your child wants to be a firefighter, and you say "maybe you can be a firefighter in your free time..." You are not supporting their goals. You are literally telling them to put it on the backburners and find something else to do. Something more realistic. That's not support. That's not helping them come up with a plan. That's not quantifying resources. That's not finding out what you have to offer, seeing what social resources or connections you can provide. It's saying "I don't believe you are going to succeed at that, but I don't think you should give up entirely... I just think you should give up... mostly."

And here's the thing. Adam Duff said it really well, it stuck with me really fucking deep and it's been ringing through my head for days now. Being an artist is not just a job, it's a way of experiencing life. That's not just fruity language or a fun little quote to throw out there in a conversation to "sound deep". That's a literal truth. The way that artists experience life itself, they way we think, the way we learn. It deviates from the norm. We are different. And that is what makes us gifted. That is our gift, our unique vision of the world. Our unique voice, our unique perception, our unique way of thinking. Our identities are what make us artists.

This is not just technical skill. It's a way of thinking and expressing yourself. The conversation you have with an CPA is going to be vastly different from the conversation you have with a fine artist. Why the fuck wouldn't it be?! So when you take an artist and you cram them into a place in life where their creative flow, their way of thinking, their way of living... gets in the way? What the fuck do you think is going to happen?

You're going to get problems. You're going to get failure to meet deadlines. You're going to hit barriers in mutual understanding. You're going to get people wandering around daydreaming on the job. You're going to get existential crises.

Okay, let's connect to a point from earlier. (The dog next door has been barking for at least 20 minutes now, and it's 1:30 AM. I feel so bad for the poor thing.) So... if being a "traditional artist" (I fucking hate that term, just say art for all of it) is actually still a real job... a viable career... I'm simply not going to get support, and the "support" I get is a recommendation to get into graphic design. So... let's say I'm dumb enough to do that, to give up my creative calling and adopt someone else's. I get into graphic design. I get a bunch of commissions, but in 2 years - fuck it, look at how fast ChatGPT blew up, let's give it 1 year - in 1 year, AI graphic design is the new hot thing. Squarespace has their hands in it, Adobe has their hands in it. Graphic designers are dropping left and right. So... what are those graphic designers supposed to do with their now obsolete job? Hmm? I'll tell ya. Go make fucking coffee, bud. Until they smarten up and turn those into self-serve machines.

Yeah yeah, "they took our jobs!" I know. But this is actually happening. And... I was just the other day expressing such deep relief that I don't work in digital art. That my forms of creative expression are so far from being replaced. Because I'm doing the opposite of what AI is built to do. I don't use the most modern tools... in fact, a lot of the time I don't even use tools at all. I do not aim to produce work as fast as possible, I give it all the time and attention it calls for until the piece itself is satisfied. Like a good lover should. <wink> I do not aim to mass-produce work. I focus on individuality, character and end up with a one-of-a-kind product that has an actual story behind it, that has a soul. And, most importantly, I do not rely on user input to create a piece. My work comes from inspiration, from my connection to my own subconscious and the collective unconscious. All I have to do is keep that connection clear and be willing and ready to capture the ideas when they come to me.

THAT is what I do. THAT is what I have been doing since I was a teenager. And I'm getting really fucking good at it. I literally do it in my sleep.

Again, this is not to besmirch other forms of creativity, every medium and process has its place and every one is valuable. This is simply the form that meshes best with me, that has created my best works. This is the process and form of work that leaves me looking at pieces I did years ago in awe and joy. Like, "I did that. I finished it. I made that real. I brought that into the world." I can't even explain the level of healthy pride that I felt when I finished The Path. So much that I rewatched it yesterday (or today, it's all blending together due to sleep deprivation) and it brought a tear to my eye. Even the music I wrote for that piece is fucking... it's just all right where it belongs.

And I simply feel like the people in my life do not even really understand what it is that I do. Thus... who I am. And, they clearly do not see value in what I do... otherwise they would... watch my videos... or listen to my music... or read my poetry book... and want to have my art... or at least support me on Patreon or something... So... if they don't see value in my art... and my art is a reflection of my experience of life... they would surely struggle to see value in me. And they clearly picture me as... a person who does graphic design. And... I am not. I am not a graphic designer. I'm just a good friend who is willing to go outside my comfort zone for a friend, and for a personal challenge.

So yeah, despite the several setbacks... the conversation was not bad. We were able to get some headway and I was able to get a clearer vision of what he's looking for. I hope. I got Illustrator and started mocking something up. I... of course... started doing it all manually, line by line. Then... after I finished the lion's share of the work, found a bunch of shortcuts to clone stuff. And... I went to it like a moth to a flame. And then spent like 2 hours trying to figure out how to use these processes... to clone details... to turn what would be like... 1-2 hours straight of detail drawing into literal seconds. And I just... didn't know how to do it. I couldn't figure it out. Even with googling.

I made progress with it, but like... it just got frustrating. And I just really feel... this clash. Graphic design and logos and shit are supposed to be about like... being sleek and clean and legible from both close up and a distance. And the piece he wants would look great with lots of detail. I had so many ideas that were detail based. Realism styles, lots of shading, lots of color. But... it's going to end up looking like an ink-stamp. Because it's a letterhead logo, and a t-shirt logo. So... yeah. If I put too much detail in, it gets lost on the letterhead. If I put too little, it looks bland on the t-shirt. It's just a very different language than I've ever really thought in. It's definitely a challenge. And... the end result is not going to reflect "my style" at all. So yeah, it's a confusing situation. But I made progress, quite a bit, actually.

I just really need to make sure I don't put the skateboard on the backburner for this. I have to finish at least the mandala, so I can actually go out and skate. I need the exercise and the stress release.

Hmm. I came out of that conversation feeling like it was a good conversation and nice to catch up with a friend, but looking back at my reaction here? I guess it was actually mostly not good. Quite a few red flags there. I want to say... "I don't think he's a bad guy, I'm just not ethically in the same place as him in some places, we're very different people, and I think he's a bit self-centered and doesn't really seem very empathetic." I'm genuinely unsure if this unqualifies him as a good potential friend. I mean, he did seem on my side with the car dealership thing, and the old house falling apart, but... he didn't entirely ask about that. He just kinda asked how I ended up here. I don't know. I'm just trying to be cautious. I fear I have been a bad judge of character in the past... because all of my past friends turned out to be eerily similar to this... and... I'm seeing those similarities pretty clearly. So... yeah. We'll see.

I cant' tell if I was blinded by reconnection, the whole Ace of Cups emotional blinding of reconnecting with an old friend... so that I overlooked the bad things that happened... or if my hangups with the bad things that happened are making it harder for me to see the potential here. I don't know. It's clearly both, but the proportion is pretty important.

I'll try to sleep on it. I only got like 5 hours of sleep, after 2 the night before. I need to do yoga and go to bed. But hey, at least my entire apartment got spotlessly cleaned for an hour and a half phone call, right?

I re-read this back. I need to find a positive note to end this on.

I went way outside of my comfort zone. And socialized. And tried a new program and actually reached success, I got a successful sketch mockup in a new piece of software on day one. And it's actually pretty damn decent. That's big. And... and... I did that on massive sleep debt. And the only fuck-ups I made was... I may have been too nice. Too forgiving. (story of my life) Wow, my depression really needed to get a word in there... XD That's not bad. I'm usually really insecure about all that. But I did a bang-up job. I showed up on time, I brought my A-game, I went above and beyond. I drew up 2 pages of concept sketches and notes unprompted. I went super in-depth. I asked all the right questions. So... from a professional angle? I did a spectacular job. From a friend angle? Maybe I would have better results with friends that align with my ethical values and goals a bit more? Maybe keep it more at an acquaintance level? That sounds like a fair compromise. And now that I've cultivated more confidence, I can try to go to the model drawing session.

OH MY GOD, HOW DID I FORGET TO SHARE THIS! Okay, so I did the deep tissue massage last night. 2 hours on just my feet, shins and calves. XD My Soleus muscles are just... fucked. Good lord. They're so tender and tight. I could barely walk after. I'm still sore. I'm going to wait at least a week before going back in for more. But they actually started loosening up. But man, that process was just... so intense. I had to dig really deep into my muscles, find the spots that I were just like "nope", and then take a breath and just work those spots until I didn't feel it anymore. And it worked. Until my hands started giving out and I was just getting wiped from all of it after 2 hours.

But I had the idea of bringing up anatomy pictures to help jog my memory of what I was working with under the skin, and to make sure I was getting all the muscles. To get an anatomy refresher as I went. And it really helped. And the picture I chose was a picture from a study guide for people studying to get qualified for massage therapy. XD And it actually passed through my mind... "could I do that?" And I honestly... I mean, that would be good money. And I would be really good at it. And it would be great for my knowledge and study of anatomy for my art. (that's what jogged my memory, the figure drawing classes and anatomy study) But that would be a gigantic plunge for me as far as social anxiety and physical intimacy goes. To go from struggling to shake peoples' hands to... massaging mostly naked strangers? I don't know. I mean, nudity is barely even a sexual thing for me at this point, it's not a problem with that at all. It's just how insanely sensory overwhelming it is for me to be in physical contact with other living beings, it has been all my life - it's a big part of why I bond so insanely deeply with people I have been physically close with. But it's something to think about. One of 50,000 potential side-gigs, along with guiding barefoot hikes, doing tarot readings, hosting improvised drawing groups, being a creative coach/mentor, giving lessons, shit like that. The more on the pile, the better. Then, if the opportunity comes along for any of them, fuck yeah. (note that graphic design and web design are not on the list... XD)

Okay, yeah, so... I'm absolutely seeing the value of anatomy study and refreshers with that, and that's making me feel much better about going to one of those model drawing sessions. I might see when the next one is and try to go. :) That's a good note to end on.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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loudlyunladylike · 2 years ago

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i’m an american who’s wanted to go to this one british university for a long while now both because i really like the school and also because universities in canada and europe are much much cheaper even for international students than any american university, and oof man :( i’ve had mixed feelings about living in the uk for a while now, and it’s gotten worse in light of recent events, but also like! it’s not like i’d have to stay there after graduation, and i do think it’d be interesting to get to live somewhere that’s such a change of pace from the shitty southern suburbs i’ve grown up in. but at the same time i have this feeling of guilt over wanting to move to the uk despite current events and everything. you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want!!!! but as a bri’ish person, do you maybe have any words of advice?

Oooo ok ok this is cool and interesting, I'll try and give you some vague advice with the best of my capabilities but at the end of the day I'm just some guy yanno.

So first off I would say that I feel taking an opportunity to travel is always very cool, especially if it's for education purposes because you don't need to have the biggest long term goals there you can sort of just dip your toes into it. And as someone in uni I do currently have a handful of American friends on my course who have been very excited over just how drastically cheeper tuition fees and shit are over here.

I personally don't think you should need to feel guilty about wanting to come over here, I guess just make sure you're aware of like current events that are going on and weigh them up accordingly. Like politics seems to be wilding everywhere to some degree but it's about what sort of wilding you're signing up to. Like rn our main things are the 1) cost of living crisis, so a lot of bills and general energy costs are hella going up, alongside some other general prices like food shops and such, 2) the queen dying and ur new king, as you're not planning on coming right this second than that probably won't cause much of an issue for you but like yeah, this crazy ass monarchy is still kicking about and generally existing, and 3) Police crime sentencing and courts bill, which is basically a bill restricting certain areas of protest and giving the police more powers in restricting them. You can probably do your own deeper research into all those and other general stuff that I've missed out.

I hear a lot of news from the Guardian which isn't perfect but also isn't aggressively right wing (avoid the sun, and the daily mail yikes) also if you have instagram there's an account called uk fact check politics which posts a lot of breaking news and always sites their sources!! so you can have browses of that or some of the sites they are sourcing (warning though they do post quite a lot, if you plan on following, so you could also just browse a bit)

Overall main points:

Travelling is good and fun, adds to some experience in life, and is good to see how people may live differently outside of your bubble

Travelling for school makes a lot of sense, considering how expensive american tuition fees are, especially if you already like a school and specific course

Also means you don't need to be committed to live there long time but you will have to for a couple of years

I personally don't think you need to feel a guilt about wanting to come over here

Just research and be aware of the sort of political climate and situations that are going on here so you can weigh them up in your decision making and if you do decide to come here you won't just be ignorant to everything yanno

#ask box #that was a LONG one #but i hope i somewhat helped #i obviously can't speak for everyone #but like one of my friends wanted to go to america for studies and we all know you've got some shit kicking around over there #i think i might be leaning more on the ''sure come over here get some life experience (you can walk place here!!!)'' side #but yeah weigh it up i believe in you <3

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myriadxofxmuses · 2 years ago

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👀 Emily and Jace , Oscar and Clare, Lucian and Ethan

From X

"With Jace gone everything just feels so....pointless and empty. It didn't even feel like this with Eric and we were together four years," she told her brother, hugging her arm for comfort that never came.

Oscar sighed sadly. He hated seeing his sister so upset and he hated it even more when there wasn't anything he could do to alleviate it. He grabbed a couple beers put of the fridge and handed her one after opening it.

"He thinks I lied to him Oscar," she said finally finding his eyes. "That I knew about you and Clare. Not only knew about it but purposefully kept it from him. I would never do that. Especially to him."

"I know."

"And now he's gone and I don't know what to do ot say to get him back. Do you think he'll ever forgive me?" Emily asked as she played with the bottle in her hand, sadly taking a sip as he answered.

"He'll forgive you. He will. This has nothing to do with you and he knows that. He's probably just confused," he asured her. "Not only did Clare show up out of the blue, but she has a kid now and has yet to give Jace any kind of explanation for her disappearing act. Imagine how the guy must feel. Just give him some time," he added, taking a drink of his own beer.

"Yea. I guess you're right," she agreed halfheartedly. "I just really miss him," she admitted quietly, her heart aching for Jace's presence.

She took another drink and let the silence grow as her thoughts rallied around ways to mend the fracture in her relationship with Jace.

"Speaking of Clare," Oscar said breaking through the quiet. "I, uh, I'm sorry I didn't say anything until now," he apologized, clearing his throat and his brow furrowing in concentration. "I should have come straight to you, but I, hmmph," he huffed quietly at the irony of what he was discussing with her. "I figured she was just trying to pin it on me, so I assumed it wasn't mine. She clearly didn't believe I couldn't have kids," he started explaining.

"Because you can't," she corrected him, taking a drink.

"I can Em. Now anyway. She said something that stuck just before she left and I went and got tested. Turns put I may just get that big family after all," he admitted with only slight happiness in the thought.

"So what? Are you gonna just go and get a bunch of baby mommas because Clare sure as hell won't have anymore with you."

"No shit," he said with a raise of his brow, drinking. He sucked the remaining drops of alcohol from his lips and ran a hand through his beard. "How fucked up is it that I still sort of want to?" he asked rhetorically.

"You can't be serious," Em told him honestly, shocked that he would even think that. "You're late night booty calls have caused more damage than any deal you and dad ever had. You've fucked things up with Clare too much and now its rubbed off on me and Jace. There's no going back to what you te thought you had. You need to let this one go Oscar," she advised him, her intentions pure and from the heart.

Sadness dampened his eyes and he almost couldn't believe what he was hearing. Usually Em always sided with him, but surprisingly she was taking Clare's side in all of this. A quiet scoff fell from him as he tried to process his shock.

"What if I can't?"

"You'll just make everything worse."

He sighed frustratedly and leaned back into his chair, reeling in his growing ire over her position.

"Then maybe you should take your own advice for Jace. Let this one go."

"Oscar...I --"

"Doesn't feel so great to hear does it? How can you expect me to just let my soul mate go when you can't even deal with being away from yours for a few days?"

"Alright. I was wro--"

"Try doing it for years. Years Emily. Clare ripped herself and our daughter out of my life without so much as a goodbye. I never even got the chance to try and explain myself and now that I can, everyone just expects to walk away. Well, its not that easy," he rambled on, his anger growing rapidly by the second.

"Calm down. Alright. We can talk --"

"I can't just give up on someone I love," he spat out before realizing what he'd said.

Immediately he deflated with realization, Emily's mutual shock evident on her face. "Love?" she asked quietly after a few moments of tense silence.

A huff fell from him and his eyes glazed over momentarily staring at nothing, only focusing once he found Emily's. "Love," he reiterated solidly. "But it doesn't really matter now does it? She clearly hates me," he added letting his gaze fall from her, momentarily glancing down at his beer before taking another drink.

-----

Ethan scribbled his name on the roster and slapped the visitor's tag to his shirt with a smile, he was about to see his idol. His glee confused the guard and he couldn't help his curiosity.

"You're about to come face to face with one of the sickest whackos we have in here. Why are you so happy about that?"

Ethan's smile faltered when the man insulted Lucian. He had no idea the genius of their resident 'whacko'. He disgusted him.

"I'm a psych student," he lied. "I'm doing my dissertation on the mind of the killer. You know, the psychos like Lucian," he said leaning in, his rage over the false accusation of Lucian's mental stability turning his stomach. He couldn't believe he actually muttered those words. Sometime he really hated having to fit in.

"I want to see what makes them tick," he added lowering his voice, his evil trickling through. The guard swallowed thickly.

"He's one of the few left alive that agreed to talk with me," he said after a few tense moments, straightening back up and falling right back into his facade of assimilation. "Plus money helps grease the wheels a little," he joked to break the mood. The guard laughed nervously. "Seriously though, is he really as, you know," he motioned to his head.

"No doubt about it. That one is nuts," the guard answered, his confidence slowly regaining traction.

"Word is they don't really know how many victims he had. That it could be hundreds, but they have no proof. Is that true?" Ethan asked, his excitement growing.

The guard nodded. "And he's keeping quiet. Won't say shit about shit."

"Ethan Harrison," a second guard called out, Ethan turning to find him, raising his hand momentarily in reply.

"The last few visitor's couldn't get anything out of him," thenguard continued. "But who knows kid? Maybe you can get him talking."

Ethan tapped the desk twice and gave him one last smile before heading off for his escorted walk to meet Lucian.

#these are always so much fun to do.#☺️☺️☺️#fiendish-insanity-in-the-written #[swimming in strange waters: emily]#[no one left behind: oscar]#[comfortably numb: ethan]#[meant to be: soulamte au]

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1111jenx · 3 years ago

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First of all, I won't ask this on anon so i can leave you the option of blocking me if needed. I also apologize if my energy is negative or toxic- I'm trying to contain it and be positive but its taking a while. But, I just need to vent I guess? Like I said, I don't expect you to answer this or even be my therapist or give me advice but I thought you might understand my point of view or at least tell me I'm wrong or something?

I hate having fixed energy in my chart. I appreciate and even love at times my aspects. Like- yes my chiron/lilith/Pluto in 4th makes it hard for me to trust and love people but in its own way- it transforms me and protects me. And yes, having Leo rising and moon with my Taurus Sun is exhausting at times but they make me unique and personable. And while I dislike how sexualized my Scorpio Mars is as a demi aroace- I'm aware it makes me fiercely loyal over my loved ones. But, at times like these where I'm feeling betrayed is where I hate it.

Because seeing my ex happy and smiling with his new girl- someone I work in the same dept with and see often- barley a month after we broke up due to him "not being in a right place" makes me want to scream and punch a wall. Especially, when hes ignoring me like I don't even matter. Like, me kissing him when I never kissed anyone before doesn't matter. Like, opening up about my uncle and my triggers doesn't matter. And im trying to be professional but I honestly can't.

And I know this is the universe's way of teaching me a lesson and giving me a better person but I'm tired. I'm tired of always working and being self aware and trying to be understanding when in reality I just want to go ape shit.

And I don't know- I just need to let it go but I can't. I honestly can't. I tried moving to another shift but he moved to my new shift too and now I have to continue to see him and his girl being fucking happy together for my whole shift when before I only had to deal with it for an hour or two. I have to see him smile at her like he did at me and I hate him so so much. I can't hate her but him? I fucking despise. Especially for making me feel this way.

Again, I apologize for the long, incoherent rant. And I apologize for my energy. Feel free to block me, delete this message or just yell at me. I'll go stress bake now.

Hi baby,

Don't feel bad whatsoever for ranting to me. My inbox is lengthy af and even though I'm a lazyass, I'll always be here if you need to vent. I heard some psychic told me once that people tend to come to me when they're at a critical moment of their life and at first I'm like tf I'm not paramedics😀 but when I think about it, I enjoy it so much more than I realized. So don't worry, your local Cancer/Leo dominant do not feel burdened with your issues nor will she block you for being honest with your feelings. I think there's always beauty in honesty and intimacy. And this honest to god asks made me think about that.

I think about the theme of love more than I should these days and the idea of it simply fascinate me. To love is also to give in, to surrender. Letting someone into your world and open up your darkest drawers probably was not easy at all for you. And it hurts more that when they're done, they leave without ever making it clear for you. I can see why it is the thoughts aftermaths that will make you rage. But the thing is, it was never about you in the first place. Your ex probably had a reason for his actions & while we can't guess his intentions, his actions reflect just that. Dating someone only a month after breaking up with you, sure, that's obviously not mf ideal. But this also shows me that, he never deserves someone that feels so much as you do in the first place.

Feelings are complicated always. Love and hate intertwined create something so powerful and become much darker than one can comprehend. However, I think at the end, I want you to feel for yourself more than you ever feel for him or for the situation. You give me someone who feels a lot but struggle to express it. Rage, anger, passion or pain. Those are all valid feelings baby. That anger thats lurking inside you, is going to do nothing but make you feel more for him, someone who never deserve that much of energy in the first place. Ofcourse, the time you two shared together is something personal and a stranger like me won't be able to understand. But as your local fixed dominant mutual, I tell you to trust me.

Fixed dominant never stop feeling once we do. It is constant and it may take years to actually let go of all those feels. But I found out that the only way to help is to let it out. And you're doing just that my love. I think you're pretty brave actually. Being so open to admit those darker feelings and thoughts are something very scorpionic in my opinion. But its also the beauty of your Leo placement. We roar. We don't speak.

Never apologize for being honest with yourself or to others. Honesty is something I value deeply and seeing people proudly presenting it is simply beautiful. I know where you're coming from when you mention the universe's plan for you. But hang in their for me. Pick yourself up from the ground and fight these battles for me. Know that you're not alone and I'm sending you better vibes and light. Know that the better days are yet to come and there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. You telling me how you wanna punch a wall make me giggle because that's exactly what I would do when I'm emotional and lost control LOL. We Leo Risings do need help haha. I'm jk but you understand what I'm tryna say right love? I'm sorry for all the thing that happened to you and please know that you're not alone this world. Whether or not you feel like it, whether or not you feel like people are trying to convince you it is true. I appreciate your energy and I can tell, one day someone will be able to love you and treasure everything that makes you you intuitively. The universe is mysterious yet its also very clear, sometimes, as painful as it is, there are always more that what meets the eyes.

I hope you're having a good day boo. I'm sorry for answering you so late. I hope after that baking session you feel much better. I'm always here if you want to talk🤎

love,

saint jenx🪐

#astrojenx #astrology #astro notes #astrology observations #astrology notes #leo #scorpio #taurus

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impossiblelibrary · 4 years ago

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Today's rant brought to you by: Queer Eye Japan, can we all just try to be as kind as they try to be?

After watching the Queer Eye Japan super short season, I wanted to google to see the overall reaction to the show, make sure that my western eyes were correct in seeing the care that was given to the culture. Were cultural taboos, other than being outwardly gay, crossed? So I find this article in the top results and other than the perspective, why tho? Tokyoesque.com had an article with a higher reading level, with surface level appreciation but at least better written.

I can't get over this hate article though. Unfounded, dumb, wrong and incorrect. Do not go forward unless you like that blistering kind of anger from me.

But the reasons just get weaker as the article extends: "Hurts the country it set out to save?" Looking for white savior much? They did not go to save Japan, they gave some free shit to like 4-5 people, think smaller.

Their culture guide wasn't gay enough.

You want to suggest any lgbt insta models or celebrities, use your platform to raises some up?

"There is a growing sexless culture in Japan for married and unmarried people, and it is perilous watching Queer Eye present this without any context behind what is driving this behavior."

Sexiness is what the fab 5 embrace, unfortunately and it was probably discussed behind the scenes of how much talking about sex was allowed or polite and the conversation of not having sex is closer to the tip of the tongue rather than the feeling of sexiness. The West is not the ones blasting that information. It is across multiple Japanese printed newspapers and online stories by now and the "context" is still being discussed and debated amongst Japanese. So I don't think any outsiders should be weighing in or "explaining" this phenomenon. We can repeat what we have been told but guessing at the reasons is not our place. The reasons illustrated by the author of the article seem lacking, a take but not the only one, but who am I to speak on that being in a sexual relationship with someone who pulls from that culture?

Kiko begins to lecture Yoko-san on how she “threw away her womanhood” (referring to a Japanese idiom, onna wo suteru) by going makeup-free and wearing drab, shapeless clothes.

The mistranslation by the subtitles fixed by this author was necessary information. But Kiko didn't lecture her on it, it was brought up by Yoko before any of them arrived, that was her theme, that was what she had decided to focus on. Meanwhile, if you watched Jonathan, he understood there was no time to spend on makeup and skincare so provided her a one instrument, 3 points of color on the skin to feel prettier. That and the entire episode being the 5 treating her like a woman on a date, not trying to hook her up, which is what they did in American eps.

"In teaching a Japanese woman, who already struggles to find time for herself, how to make an English recipe, Antoni is making great TV and nothing more."

So Antoni shouldn't have taught her apple pie because it's too exotic for a Japanese woman. (Can you smell the sexism?)

He didn't make an apple pie, altho Yoko did mention her mother made that for her when she was a kid. He made an apple tartine after going to a Japanese bakery who makes that all the time. Then highlighted the apples came from Fuji in true Japanese media fashion. Honey, American television doesn't usually highlight where the ingredients come from. A Japanese producer told him to do that. So all worries handled within the same ep. She got Japanese ingredients, had the recipe shown to her and then made it for her friends in her own house. Did the author actually watch this show or nah?

"beaten over the head with his western self-help logic. “You have to live for yourself,” he says."

The style of build up the 5 went for was confrontational but in a "I'm fighting for you" way. It's hard to describe, but the best I can say is, a person has multiple voices in their head, from parents, siblings, society, and maybe themselves. By being loud and obnoxious, American staples right there, they are adding one more voice. You deserve this, you are amazing, you are worth it. I know this is against most Japanese cultural modesty, but maybe it shouldn't be.

Sarcasm lies ahead:

Apparently: mispronunciation is microaggressions, not just someone who had a sucky school system. Yea okay, They're laughing at the language not at how stumbling these monolinguals are with visiting another country. Mmhm. Japanese don't say I love you and don't touch and that should stay that way instead of maybe, once in awhile, feeling like they can hug. Yeah, let's just ignore Yoko's break down that she had never hugged her lifelong friend after hugging strangers multiple times. Maid cafes are never sexualized in Japan ever, just don't go down that one street in Akihabara where the men are led off by the hand sheepishly blushing. Gag me. And Japanese men love to cry in front of their wives and would never break down once the wife leaves. I have never seen a Japanese movie showcase that move. Grr.

"I identify as many cultures."

So you're a Japanese man when it's convenient for you to get an article published? Are you nationally Japanese or just ethnically or culturally?

Homeland is an inherently racist word?

"After the Bush administration created the Department of Homeland Security after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a Republican consultant and speechwriter Peggy Noonan urged, “the name Homeland Security grates on a lot of people, understandably. Homeland isn’t really an American word, it’s not something we used to say or say now.”

Yes, let's use a Washington Post article rather than a etymology professor. Yes, the google search results increased after 2001 Homeland Security was used but the word has been around since the 1660s and I've read multiple turn of the century lit on white people returning to their homeland, i.e. the town off the coast they were born in.

"But" is not disagreeing. I think the repeated offender for the author is the not acknowledging the makeover-ees feelings. But, that is how LGBT have decided to deal with the inner voices that invade from society. They are just that, not our own, they are the influence of society, and we can choose, we have to choose, to be influenced by someone, anyone else.

Karamo can't speak about being black when an Asian is speaking about being Asian, even though the Asian gay man was feeling alone. It's called relating bitches, and I'm done with people saying that is redirecting the conversation, it's extending the conversation. That's how we talk, the spotlight is shared, especially when someone's about to cry and doesn't want to be seen as crying, time to turn the spotlight.

The gay monk wasn't good enough, you should have invited the gay politician.

Yeah, causes I'm sure a politician has all the time in the world for a quick stint and cry. They picked a Japanese monk who travels to NY because they had a guest who travels to the West too. Did you want him to stop traveling back and forth? Did you want a pure, ethnic and cultural Japanese gay man who has no ties to the west to talk to this Western educated young man? Seriously?

This is just not how it works in Japan.

Being in a multi-cultural marriage between two rebels, discussions on facets of culture are plenty in my household. Culture should be respected enough to be considered but not held on a pedestal like we should never adjust or throw some things out. LGBT being quiet and private for instance. "Being seen" was Jonathan's advice, and a good one especially for a Japanese gay man that was called feminine since he was a kid. Some gay men can hide, but as Jonathan said, he couldn't hide what he was, he couldn't hide this. So fuck it. Don't hide. It's actually more dangerous for a feminine man to come off as anxious rather than gay and proud. It makes you more of a target if they think you won't fight back. Proud means, Imma throw hands too, bitch.

This is also from the civil rights playbook going back to Black America: never hold a protest or a fight without the cameras, without being seen. LGBT have found the more seen they are, in media, in the streets, the better off we are. When LGBT Americans were being "private" about our lifestyles, we died, a la 1980s. They won't care if you start dying off if they never saw you to begin with.

And hence why I think the author's real anger is from these 5 being seen dancing flamboyantly in Shibuya, in Harajuku, afforded the privilege of doing this safely because of their tourist status, cameras and very low violence rate in Tokyo, loud and obnoxiously. Honestly, they wouldn't have been invited or nominated if they didn't want that brash American-ness coming into their home, just for a taste, at least.

Here's my real anger, my own jealousy: Japan's queer community currently does not have marriage or adoption rights. US does, so we have progressed further. But we are also not that many years from being tied to cow fences with barbed wire, beaten with baseball bats and left for dead overnight. If things are so bad over there, maybe take a few pages from the civil right playbook we took so much time to perfect and produced by the Black Americans who fought first. But so far, I only hear loss of jobs and marriages, which we still have here too. Stop trying to divide us, we are one community, LGBT around the world and we are here to try to help. Take it or leave it, it's not like we're going to go organize your own Pride parade for you.

Rant over? I guess. Is this important enough to be put in the google results along with his. Hell no, anyone with half a mind can see he's reaching more than half the time. And any argument about: this wasn't covered! There are a shit ton of conversations that are not covered in the 45 min they have. They are not a civil rights show, it's a makeover show, doing their best in that direction anyway. Know what it is.

Next blog post, what research I would guess was happening behind the scenes for each of the 5? I'm pretty sure I saw Jonathan doing Japanese style makeup there...

#queer eye #Queer eye Japan #original #rant

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aestheticsuwu · 4 years ago

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🌅Found Peace In Your Violence 🌅

Dean Winchester x Castiel

..... ..... ......... ....... ............ ....... .......

Moving to a new place for a new start was always hard for Castiel . He wasn't really a people person , not because he didn't like them . It was just that his " people skills " are " rusty " as he likes to say .

His mother and Father liked to adopt & foster until they divorced .

Father had gotten custody of everyone and got remarried to Becky , my mother used to call her the annoying , crazy ,bitch etc , etc . He wonders how she's doing , she wasn't quite the best mother but he still remembers everyone that comes and goes from his life .

His family was weird , they weren't like other family's. It always seemed to be a competition among each other . It even caused almost half his siblings to leave and never look back . Anna is probably living the craziest life with no rules .

Balthazer is probably running a fashion line . Or maybe there all with Lucifer breaking the rules and rebelling to everything. Although he thinks Balthazar would have gone far away from those three . He was the one he miss the most .

Father doesn't like talking about them , maybe he doesn't cares . We were after all kids he took in his home to create a batallion of soldiers that's what Gabriel says all the time . It was now 9 members of the family that was left . His Father , Becky , their son Alfie , Michael the oldest , Gabriel the trickster, Eileen Leahy his favorite sister , she was the last child to be recruited from the foster house . I was the youngest one from the rest of the herd .

..... ..... .....

His Mother was the first to go , should he still call her that . Once the divorce papers was filed , Naomi packed her stuff and slammed the door shut . Castiel waited for her to come back that night . Hours went by but she never came back .

Anna soon left after , She had left in there middle of the night .

Father wasn't upset he just announced that we should move soon .

3 week before moving , dad and Raphael had a fight . Father faced him and gave him ultimatum, it had seemed for a while everything was alright . But Lucifer had other plans ,he had managed to convince raph that he shouldn't listen to father .

The move was cancelled , and when Gabriel had started prank wars against everyone Father wasn't even there to ground him . Balthazar told his siblings that he would soon move out he was 18 after all . He talked about his dreams , plans and adventures . Michael and lucifer didn't sticked around to listen only Gabriel, Eileen, and him .

He promised that every time he would go visit a different place he would bring back souvenirs . And once he was stabled they would take a family trip together .

In their last hug castiel didn't want to let go , something told him that he wasn't gonna see him anymore .

When he was 15 , standing near the porch in front the house waiting for Balthazar to appear until father shouted his name . They had to get on the road to head to their new home . All he could do was hold Eileen and Gabriel's hand .

..... ... .....

Everything was calm , other than the fear of not knowing if you were the next victim of Gabriel's prank list .

Eileen was teaching him to get better at sign language . Michael was going to college while Lucifer was only 17 but seemed no to be interested in school . Becky had Alfie. Silence didn't exist in the household .

. And for once he had a friend , He was kinda surprised she stucked around.

Her name was Kelly Kline , she was in the debate team and a Straight A student . He met her through Eileen . He understood why they both got along . Both were strong minded girls and didn't let anybody tell them shit .

Kelly wanted to make a change and she wanted both Eileen and him to help her . And to this day he doesn't understand why the world took her away soon .

She was pretty , she had raven hair and had a kind smile . She taught him good things can come out of the bad things . She made him want to do things he normally wouldn't do .

So he honestly didn't understand what she saw in Lucifer. They would constantly bicker but yet they were together . Eileen would just let him rant about bees because she preferred that instead of seeing him wallow .

Gabriel would often give him advice that would make her be interested but it usually involve some porno Gabe once watched . And Castiel usually didn't know If he was kidding or not .

But then suddenly His brother and best friend broke up . Kelly wanted to go out and forget she ever dated an asshole . Lucky for her They were invited to a party .

He doesn't quite remember that much of that night .

" Are you sure you want to do this . I think we are extremely intoxicated and not in our right minds . And we might doing a mistake that we will regret , I'm not saying I regret making out with you cause your an amazing girl I have ever meet besides Eileen but that's different cause she's my sister and I don't think of her that way , And now I made this so awkward by bringing up m- "

A hand covering his mouth making him stop ranting . looking up to see her , and the fear he once had just vanished just by looking at her smile

" Castiel ! There are alot of regrets that I have done including that I ever got involve with that douchebag . I just want to make a choice that I know won't end up as a mistake . "

..... ...... .....

That choice was inevitable to hide , not because both Kelly and castiel started a somewhat relationship . It was revealed on a Thursday that Kelly was pregnant .

Lucifer was never one take responsibility for his actions , so he told her to get rid of it .

" yeah I'm not planning to do some father bonding or give up my plans for a baby that might not even be mine . Hey you can't lie and deny that you haven't been jumping back and forth with Novak brothers . But wow really castiel , but look at the bright side you can dump all that responsibility to him . He will believe anything - ".

The sound of the slap that Kelly gave him echoed but it wasn't enough so she kneed him on the balls and lastly punched him .

" I hope you rot in hell , "

That was the last conversation she had with him when Eileen told her he had left the house .

... ..... ..... ..... ....

Father never showed how it affected him when his children left . But now that Lucifer left , he started to drink again and he looked sad .

He shook it off when it had been a week later . It seemed a good time to mention someone pregnancy. Father didn't think the same , he was quite mad , especially when it was revealed that they weren't sure who the father was . He remained calm afterwards when they all agreed it was 90 percent Lucifers .

Castiel was only 18 and now left with the mess of his own brother .

Once he graduated he stopped seeing Kelly for 5 months . Eileen would lecture him how he was being a bad friend , how he should be more supportive. He let 2 more months pass by and he couldn't help but ask Eileen how was Kelly doing .

That's how he end up in her room , Kelly was glowing . She had belly bump , He apologized for not being by her side , for letting their friendship tumble down the drain . She forgave him , discussing what they had missed . Avoiding the topic of the elephant of the room , until the baby kicked .

Castiel loved the baby already .

..... ..... .....

They never really tackled in depth of truth of who was the father . Castiel didn't put mind into it , since he felt the baby move he doesn't know how to explain it . it was like epiphany , a connection.

So he soon took the role , he read books , used the internet , asked some questions from Becky that rambled on and on but he still got information he needed . In favor that he would learn and be ready when his baby would come . He helped Becky with Alfie , at first it was hard but then it was fine

" your gonna be alright , you got this castiel . "

" I hope so . "

... .... ..... .... .... .... .....

It happened so fast , his mind was so confused one second he's in bed and then he's at the hospital . Every time she would scream of pain he felt bad . his hand was hurting from the way she was holding it .She held a grimace from every contraction .

" It hurts so much , I don't think I can't do it . Ahhh baby you have to go easy on mommy . "

She screamed again of agony , she hold his hand tighter as if it would help from the pain .

" You can , your strong and soon we will be at home I'll be taking care of our baby while you rest and sleep . How does that sound ? "

" That sounds like the best idea "

..... ...... ...... ....

He feels like he failed , he could've done something or maybe done something different . He didn't think Kelly would leave him , she promised no to . He guess it wasn't a coincidence, life seemed to take everything from him .

Today was supposed to be the happiest day in his life . Now he's holding onto his siblings , crying seemed it would help but the feeling wouldn't go away .

" Its gonna be alright cassie , it's gonna get better . "

He really hoped Gabe was right .

...

He was following the nurses that was leading him to his baby . He didn't even got to see his newborn , it just happened to fast .

The nurse open the door wide to let him pass , his hands were shaking waiting for her directions .

" Here they are , seems like they were waiting for dad to come see them . Congratulations Mr Novak and I'm sorry for you loss ."

stunned he couldn't answer , he had his eyes only for them . he heard the door close he assumed she left to give him privacy . Tears started to build up but of happiness.

" We're gonna be ok , I will do my best because your all I got . I love you so much , Mommy loved you so much but she had to go rest . I think she deserves it , how ironic how she always said there was an angel watching you over . Now you do , . "

Chuckling , as he wipes away his tears trying to compose himself . Letting out a shaky breath he starts speaking again .

" I guess is time to give you a name , bear this in mind when the time comes be thankful I didn't give you a horrendous name . You in the other hand are lucky because Kelly had already picked out one for you . "

Smiling as they both made a noise that seemed they were going along with him on the conversation.

.... ..... .

" I'm so ready to meet my nephew !! , I'm so excited !!! "

" shhh " " shhhhhhh"

"shh " " Shhh " "sHhhh"

It wasn't like Gabriel was screaming , sheesh these people sometimes , ready to respond he stays quiet when he sees his brother motioning his family to come closer .

" Say Hello to Jack and Claire Novak . "

.... ..... ..... ..... ... .....

His kids were his pride and young , he will admit he struggled at first but with the help of his siblings he catched on . They had already turned two , they were growing so fast . Both are so smart and beautiful .

Claire with her beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair that were in pigtails in the moment . She was a troublemaker but love her endlessly. Jack is his small bee , he was tiny and adorable . The kid loves nougat , he blames it on Gabriel. He also had blonde hair but he had golden eyes .

He wants the best for his kids , thats why he was contemplating on Gabriel's plan to move .

Gabe was planning to open another bakery ,

since his last three was successful and was trying expand his work . Father was quite happy with Gabriel , he helped with everything he could do . As usual Gabe took advantage and stacked up on candy , his response was always with

" he won't even notice , he has enough and more . So shut up and help me decided between those two , who am i kidding Im taking both . "

Eileen was going with Gabriel, something about a fresh start . Michael was only going to keep an eye on his siblings , Fathers orders . And his big brother isn't one to disobey , he was gonna get paid for babysitting gabe . His study's are kept on hold until father says so .

Castiel didn't know what to do . He was a highschool dropout , father of fraternal twins , relying with the money of his father and it wasn't like someone is waiting for him here .

Maybe this would do him good and for his kids .

Gabriel went full on screamed of joy that he had accepted, screaming that they were gonna have a blast . Michael was boxing their stuff fully knowing the trickster of his brother wouldn't do it , he turns to look at the youngest giving him a pointed look .

..... ..... ..... ...

Gabriel was full on rambling of why he choose the location . He wanted a challenge and one of the many things he loves to do is

1: Himself

2:Candy

3: Pranks

4: proving Dad wrong

Once the trickster told his father his plans , he told him no . To him is practically a Yes , he wasn't planning getting him self involved , oh well you gotta do what you gotta do .

Michael was pissed but hey he could just for once say no to dad . Eileen and Castiel and his nephew coming along was the best thing of the trip . He might even admit that he's kinda glad dad forced his big bro to come along .

The perks of having a wealthy father is that they had everything solved . Airplane . Check . Ride CHECK. House check . Moving Truck . Check . Schelduing everything on the same date ...........

It wasn't his fault , who would in their right mind would leave him with all that responsibility. They got to their flight , the ride into country , House was there and with their boxes surrounding it . Hey they got Michael might as well put use to his muscles .

..... .... ... ..... ....

" Only you would do this Gabriel , I don't know why I let you drag me into this "

" Look at the bright side , were surrounded with some hot cowboys " Eileen spoke and signed with a mischievous smirk .

" see cassie , even Eileen not complaining , just relax . Take a deep breath and - Ok you grab that box and I will take the heavier one . "

Gabe said as to fool Michael they were helping but as the annoyed glared they were all receiving it was obviously the 3 younger siblings were just resting .

" Your doing well Michael keep up the good work "

They all burst out laughing when the oldest retorted with a angry 'Shut up ! '

" Maybe we should help " She said & signed to both of them .

" yeah , I'm gonna go check on the kids , they might wake up any --- . "

Turning around to see where the noise was coming from , he took in the sight of a sleek black jaguar . Squinting to block the sun , he hears the person above signalling the horse to halt .

" I wasn't informed new people were moving in , Welcome . "

Removing his stetson , he looks at them but his gaze fall onto the bluest eye he had ever seen and the cutest head tilt . Making his Voice huskier and putting on his best smile he asked .

" Dean Winchester .

Need A Hand , Angel ? "

..... ...... . ... ...... ...... .....

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