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unprofessional-bard · 4 years ago

Text

Prologue

Losing My Religion Series Masterlist

Unprofessional Bard's Masterlist

Previous Chapter • Next Chapter

Pairing: Joel Miller × Female!Reader/OC

Summary: The reader, waiting for a knock on the door by death, is saved by a smuggler with a reputation and a kid she used to watch over at the Boston QZ.

Word Count: 3.341

Warnings: Not too much, just a slightly detailed description of an injury and connections to PTSD.

Author's Note: Oh my, this is the first part of my 8 to 9 chapter long Joel fic!! A little background on the reader/oc:

The reader is ex-special forces captain and now a FEDRA major general in the Boston QZ who sticks to FEDRA in order to survive with her old friends from her pre-outbreak days. Her teams "black ops" reputation is well known around the northeast and it draws unwanted attention on her - it makes her a target. After a mission gone wrong, she finds herself tied to a chair, left to die, when a figure who's supposedly her "sworn enemy" rescues her.

I think I should warn you all now that the bloodshed/gore and the events in this fic in general will be quite realistic, like canon typical brutality but not too often. I'll put detailed warnings in each chapter though!!

Enjoy!

The first thing you felt was the taste of iron when distant chatter made your ears perk up and eyes open slightly. You were sure today was the day that you'd finally find your peace and move onto your next life and leave this miserable one behind, but the voices of what appeared to be a man and a young girl's had put a stop to that. You couldn't hear very well and you also didn't recognise the voices, but now they were more clear as you reckoned that they'd entered the room you'd been in for the past five days or so.

"Holy shit," you heard the girl say. She somehow sounded familiar now that you heard her better.

"Okay," the man. "We should be safe here."

You struggled to lift your head up and open your eyes completely, to speak even, which made things really hard but the little girl noticed you in very short notice.

"Oh fuck!" She exclaimed, probably at the sight of you as she sounded disturbed. "Is she...?"

You finally managed to move your head to the side a little as an answer to her question and whispered: "Help me... Please..."

"Ellie, stay back."

Ellie?

"But-"

"Stay back," the man growled at her. "Let me handle this."

You heard footsteps get closer to you and when you managed to open an eye a little bit, you saw his feet going around you. The sun was shining through the room, it was close to nightfall.

"Please..." you begged, already out of breath. "I- I need help-"

"Joel, she really needs help," Ellie's voice got closer as well.

"She doesn't have any weapons," 'Joel' commented while studying your vulnerable form, but the girl got impatient with a huff and pulled out what you assumed to be a knife. "Ellie-"

Ellie. The little girl from Boston.

What the hell was she doing here?

"I know her! She was at the Boston QZ a few months ago, look!"

"A soldier from the QZ?!"

"I know her Joel, trust me, we can't leave her like this!" She argued while you acknowledged her presence. You felt the copper ropes around your wrists get loose and, god, was it a relief to have them finally off your poor wrists. It hurt like a bitch, having cut yourself as you struggled with your escape -not to mention it was probably infected- but it didn't stop a wave of relief from washing over you.

You almost collapsed when your restraints came off, but a big pair of hands caught you by your shoulders before your face could hit the ground. It wasn't too long before she got your ankles free as well. You were now in the arms of a man who was suspicious of you, who wanted to get rid of you, but all you could say over and over again before you passed out was: "Thank you... thank you so much."

----

"Move!" You flinched at the angry lieutenant yelling at the kids. Ever since they decided to start up a school, this whole apocalypse had become even more difficult. You, as former special forces, always had a hard time ever since you became special forces and you thought that perhaps you'll be done with the outbreak, but the new crooked militia made sure you weren't a deserter.

You were forced to do many things you didn't want to do -and you didn't do them anyway- but you were never killed for it because you were the best and the only special forces left in your area... plus you lied your way out of missions to save innocent lives. You were pretty disciplined, but one thing you couldn't stand for was the harassment of those poor children.

"I'll take it from here, lieutenant." You stepped in before he could say another word. Your reputation over the past years grew and so did your rank, being a superior to many others.

"But-"

"I said I'll take it from here. You're dismissed, lieutenant."

The man saluted and marched away angrily, the kids confused and scared at seeing a new face.

"Alright, let's move along," you spoke in a more sincere and calm tone, which made the children relax.

Whenever they got into small troubles -like skipping class, wandering around etc.- you always took charge as best as you can to help them out. None of those children deserved to be born into this mess, you might as well make it as easy for them as possible.

There were a few troublemakers who were hard to put in line, like little Ellie, but you understood and you stood up for her whenever she was wrongly accused.

Little did you know that you'd be rewarded for your kind actions.

----

A bad dream -a nightmare really- from the day of the outbreak mixed with events from a couple of days back interrupted your sleep. It was the middle of the night, you assumed and cursed at the little amount of sleep you got as you didn't feel rested at all, then carefully studied your surroundings. You were in the same room where you were tied up and left to die, vision clearer and wounds not hurting too much (your face felt cleaner too), but you were in a different spot and lying on your back on something rather comfortable. You turned your head to the right as best as you could to see Ellie and Joel's silhouettes - Ellie on the ground sleeping and Joel sat by the big window of the office, watching outside with a rifle in hand and his other arm resting on his knee.

They really didn't kill you.

You groaned quietly as you slowly pushed yourself up from the couch. It always stood right by the door, but now it was pushed in fornt of the many shelves and tables covering the door. You sat on it for a while before getting up slowly.

Ellie was sleeping by the wall, a little away from Joel but closer to you; quietly making your way over to him and not waking Ellie up in the meanwhile proved to be easy.

"You're finally up," Joel spoke nonchalantly.

"For how long was I out?"

"Two and a half days," your eyes widened. "You really needed that, huh?"

"I guess so... doesn't feel like two days," your voice trailed off as the images from two days ago started appearing in your mind. You quietly leaned back on the wall behind you, then slid down and sat across Joel. He was looking at you, studying you but you were too busy with the flashbacks of a few days prior.

"You okay?" he finally asked, disturbing your thoughts.

"Mhm." You didn't trust your voice

"Tsk, sure..."

A painful two minutes passed in silence. The more you remembered, the worst it became. God, the Hunters, they killed your squad, killed all of them-

"I would'a killed you if it weren't for her," Joel nodded over to Ellie. "Told me about how nice you treated her and the other kids in the QZ..."

You smiled bitterly and nodded. You'd been wondering what had happened to all those kids you met in the QZ: "This is Carmel, right?"

"Yup," Joel groaned, gazing at the dark street a couple hundred feet below you. You focused on the full moon right above you instead and tried to put everything that happened in order: You and six other people -aka Alpha One- were sent after a dangerous group of Hunters, but they had made it out of the city and, under strict orders, you chased them out all the way to Cleveland. It was after Cleveland that everything got fucked.

"Here," Joel captured your attention once more when something soft brushed your leg. It was a blanket. "You look like you need it more than me."

It took you a while, but you eventually grabbed the blanket from his hand with a hushed 'thank you', then showed your bandaged wrists to him: "Did you do this?"

"You're very kind, thank you again." You said when he nodded 'yes'. Your gratitude made Joel's features soften for a very short moment, but he stayed silent. Little did you know that you'd be craving to see more of this side of Joel in about a month.

The past three days had been quite rainy, the weather was chill and if it weren't for the crack on the roof, you wouldn't have been able to drink the rain water that leaked in through there and you would've possibly died.

You wrapped the blanket around your shivering form and dragged your knees up to your chest for more warmth, not noticing Joel watching you from the corner of his eye.

He could tell you hadn't eaten in a long time for your face looked skinny. You were stripped of your tactical gear and FEDRA uniform, only left with your t-shirt, pants and boots; the said pieces of clothing covered in your blood. Your face was unrecognisable when they'd first found you - as if it were a canvas and the painter used blood to paint it. Your eyes were puffy from being beaten up but they were healing, it was by the dog tag hanging by your neck that Ellie recognized you. She cleaned your face with the water which was gathered into a small puddle by the chair you were tied to as Joel tended to your wounds with reluctance but carefully. Ellie had checked if you had a sleeveless undershirt of sorts and once she discovered you did, she decided to get rid of your blood soaked t-shirt which surprisingly didn't stain your undershirt as much as she'd expected.

"You can rest if you want, I'll keep watch?" You offered, the bags under his eyes made you feel bad for him. Poor guy, you didn't even know his story.

"Nah," Joel searched for something to say for a moment. "I'd say the same for you but I think you had one mighty rest."

"Yeah," you smiled apologetically. "'Guess I'll just... sit here."

"Suit yourself," Joel cleared his throat and shifted a little. He was tense, you could tell he didn't trust you but it was understandable. Normally, you would've launched yourself out of there the moment you were awake because god knows what could happen. But the only thing that made you relax a little was Ellie. He somehow looked familiar too but you weren't sure.

Only ten minutes into the silence, you couldn't resist and ask him: "How'd you end up here?"

You didn't realise that Joel's eyes were closed, he must've fallen asleep, for he never answered the sound of your hushed voice. Oh well, you thought, smiling softly to yourself; you grabbed his rifle from next to him and decided to keep watch and try to calm your mind. With everything that you had gone through before you ended up here, it was a little hard to keep calm.

----

"They're headed west, commander, we need to finish them."

"No," you sighed. "We chased them out this far, they won't be coming back."

"But, we have our orders-"

"I know, I know."

"Then let's go!" A man named Gabe who was a new soldier in Alpha One insisted. None of your team trusted this guy because he was willingly siding with FEDRA - something none of you were doing willingly.

A week and a half had passed before you all caught up to them in Pittsburgh. You only managed to capture one Hunter, but he didn't talk. Not so surprisingly, Gabe made him talk with the most brutal torture techniques that you were taught to resist. When Kurt, one of your oldest friends and the oldest of Alpha One, called him out? He pulled out a speech out of his ass (as Kurt had put it) about how the outbreak broke him and whatnot. None of you had found it convincing because of how out of character it was, so you all had to do the only thing left: cut him loose. Get rid of him.

But first, you had to hunt the Hunters down and you needed him, whether you liked it or not.

----

A small gasp from Ellie was what distracted you. You gave her a concerned look as she slowly sat up, breathless.

"You okay Ellie?" You asked quietly.

"Oh, yeah," she gulped. "Hey, you're awake. Are you okay?"

"Never better," you smiled and watched her make her way over to where you were nestled. "You and your old man really took care of me..."

"He's not my old man."

"Right... sorry... who is he though?"

"Joel. A smuggler," Ellie sat across you, her back to the said man. "I'm surprised you don't know him, him and Tess had quite the reputation around Boston."

Tess. Right. Now it clicked. Of course you'd heard of them, who hasn't?

"Yeah... Them I heard of." You nodded thoughtfully. You'd never seen Joel in person, but you'd done Tess a few favors in the past which she somewhat repayed.

But you couldn't focus on anything else but the conversations that occured on your way here.

----

"Commander, with all due respect-"

"Just spit it out." you sighed.

"Something's off about Gabe. We should just dump him in a river, tell 'em he got bit and that he died and go back... Christ (Y/N), we can't go on like this, we're almost in Indiana!"

"I know, Kurt," you exhaled hopelessly.

"We just gotta make sure they don't come back," Amanda, another dear friend from your pre-outbreak times said. "The world's already as fucked up as it is, we could do with less leech."

"Amanda's right, but these folk ain't leech." You reloaded your rifle. "They're goddamn weeds... Doesn't matter how much you cut off, it'll grow back again; but it's a start. We gotta get down to the root."

----

Ellie went back to sleep, knowing you're watching their backs, you'd like to think she slept a bit better. A few hours later the sun started illuminating the sky, which was when Joel woke up.

"Shit," he growled when he noticed you had his 'missing' rifle.

"Mornin'," you offered a small smile, knowing you won't be getting one in return. "Don't worry, you're safe. I stayed right here on this exact same spot the whole night. Relax."

He didn't reply, but you knew he wanted the rifle back, so you extended it over to him. He gave you an odd look, as if he'd been in a cage his whole life and it was the first time someone's been treating him gently, then quickly took the rifle from your hand. He then went to awaken Ellie, but you reached out to him, gently holding his hand to stop him from waking her.

"She went to sleep not so long ago, let her rest for a bit."

"We gotta get going, see if the herd cleared out." His tone was defensive.

"The sun is barely up," you offered. "Wait for another hour until whatever's left of 'em are indoors."

He wanted to argue, but he knew you were right, so he sat back down across you: "Why didn't you wake me up?" he inquired, arms crossed, one leg up close his chest leaning against the window and the other on the floor. Although he looked relaxed like this, he was still uncomfortable.

"Looked like you needed a rest more than I."

"I didn't."

"Don't lie to yourself," you chuckled at his stubbornness. "If I could, I'd trade my two and a half day rest with your five hour sleep. I had been sitting on that chair for far too long anyway..."

He looked at you, quizzically this time, sheer curiosity. You gazed into his hazel eyes for a moment and spoke: "Me and my team, Alpha One- we were after a bunch of Hunters but things went south after Pittsburgh... southwest, more specifically."

"You were in Pittsburgh?" Joel questioned.

"Yeah. We followed them all the way here, but then the bastards got tired of running, I reckon. They ambushed us here a couple of days ago, but a part of the herd you were talkin' about came through and... I don't know, it had been a quiet few days before you two came."

Joel looked away, face mixed with slight guilt and pity, but remained quiet.

"I know they're dead."

"...What will you do?" He asked.

"I can't go back to the QZ. It's better if they think I'm dead. I've been waiting for an opportunity like this for so long..." you smiled sardonically. "I could use a different safe place other than a QZ. I don't wanna join another group or nothin'... Now, if there was a cabin on top of a hill or in the middle of the forest, that'd be great."

"So you're just gonna desert?"

"I've been thinking about it ever since I was forcefully recruited by FEDRA."

Joel gave you a look, bit his lip, then looked away for a moment but stayed silent. You knew he wanted to speak, but you decided to keep quiet too and try to figure out where the hell you were gonna go after they move out of here.

A few minutes later, Ellie woke up again. The both of them quickly got ready while you paced around the room, too afraid to go out and see the carnage on the hall.

"Let's go," Joel said once Ellie got her backpack ready.

"Woah, what about her?" She looked at you softly.

"I'll manage..." You tried to smile as best as you could. "My squad had some guns on 'em and so did the hunters. You could find some ammo outside and I can help you clear this place up, then I'll be out of your hair."

"Wait, you're going back to the QZ?"

"I can't. I don't want to. I need to find some place safe and... stay there for the rest of my life. But I ain't going back to the QZ."

"Then come with us," Ellie walked up to you.

"Ellie-" Joel warned.

"Where are you headed anyway?" you asked finally.

"Our destination is different, but we'll be passing by a place named Jackson, out in Wyoming."

"Ellie enough," Joel growled.

"She could help us Joel! She's done good by me all that time I was in that school, I wanna help her too."

Your cheeks reddened at her consideration: "Ellie, I-"

"There's a safe place in Jackson, I think you can manage there." Ellie revealed.

You gave Joel a hard look, but kept your tongue from saying something.

"God dammit Ellie," Joel sighed.

"I trust her, Joel."

You both glared at each other; Joel not trusting you- even despising your existence and you, disappointed that you did your best to earn a little bit of his trust by your gestures but he was just going to let you die out there anyway.

You finally said: "If I ever act up and do something that doesn't sit right with you, you can gladly put a bullet in my brain."

"...Fine."

His word was final. Joel gave in and as much as he wanted to trust you, you had to earn all of it, completely. It wasn't because you were a stranger who only helped a child and now might have a trick up her sleeve to get the both of them killed, however. He didn't owe surviving in this hell for 20 years to trusting everyone and helping them out. He owed it to keeping his guard up and not letting anyone new get close, either killing them or not seeing them ever again eventually. Your case was about the same, but you trusted Ellie and her sincerity as much as she trusted you and you trusted her when she said this Jackson place was actually safe. So, you had to put up with him and he had to put up with you now... for a whole month.

#joel miller #joel x reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller imagine #tlou x reader #the last of us #the last of us x reader #tlou fanfic #the last of us fanfiction

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fanmoose12 · 4 years ago

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I am not over it. I am SO not over IT. I read the SNK manga YEARS ago when it was only chapter 100 and one day I had the dumb idea to continue that shit. I am not PLEASED and Hanji's death UTTERLY WRECKED ME, someone who wasn't even a Hanji Stan!! reading the manga made me fall in love with her quiet determination, leadership skills, and sense of duty when before I was more of an Armin type of girl? She just. won me over. and her death was NOT OKAY. I CRIED while saying no no nO NOOO OH MY GOD -

and it TORE ME APART and she was the only person in my mind ever since and I couldn't read the manga in the same nonchalant way ever again. i'm sorry i promise im getting somewhere! it legit ruined my moods and made me so sad all the time IT WAS THAT BAD and i started hating eren with absolute passion. Idek where to start? How her death was pointless & nobody gave a fuck?? and Levi thought of FRICKING ERWIN instead of Hans & I wasnt even a Levihan shipper it doesnt make SENSE! He just LOST HANS

-- and all he can think about is FUCKING ERWIN. come on MAN, and she parented the 104th even REINER had more emotions than these mfers. Everyone is alive EXCEPT HER, like onyakapon and even yelena, minor characters, it just feels so UNFAIR, i'm not mad abt death, i breathe angst like it was chocolate it was just so pointless and meaningless and no one even grieves, especially Levi who was closest to her. there was just no room for her in the plot anymore and thats what makes me pissed -

- not bc it was her time, but bc she ran out of uses to the plot and like in GOT where the character is smarter than the author. not only that, she was made so powerless and pathetic and she felt so useless and she died like that. where's the justice? the character arc? right she was there Just to Save Levi :// it's like that quote from gone girl - "the world will know that [man] threw his beloved wife like garbage, and she floated past down all the other abused, unwanted, INCONVENIENT, women"

(sorry for the fem pronouns, i'm all abt anime hange here). and its not like she wasnt a fan favorite, she's top 3 of the last character poll. just bc shes not levi and eren and armin. and cmon. yams had to nerf and minus 100 out of her iq for the INSANE plan of fucking zeke and the yeagerists, can you BELIEVE she trusted and was OUTSMARTED by ZEKE, who legit massacred the survey corps, even though SHE HAD THE SAME LEVEL OF IQ?? but noooo, plot reasons!! shes not eRwIn, what you expect 🙃

im upset, not bc my fav character died but bc it was meaningless (if falco can fly, why tf didnt he do that in the first place) and hollow in logic and in emotion. maybe snk's lesson to us is life is unfair and we should suck it up. it wasn't well earned & yams wrote hanji in a corner, like (again) in GOT where no matter what daenerys chose she was wrong. sorry i dumped all this to you!! if you're still here, thank you for listening to my month long pent up emotions, im still really sad about it

- and idk how to let go? but your writings have definitely made me feel better, it just comforts me like Levi to a bottle of bleach. thank you for still writing!!! about an anime girl in a fictional world and still delivering more emotion than the original author. my heart definitely feels better these days, though it still aches bc she deserves so much better & didnt deserve whatever the fuck she was given, thank you for championing hanji zoe rights! im 99% sure she wont be revived -

but she lives on in your writings and other fanfiction authors and artworks and i'm just so grateful we have a community like this, honestly im just glad you're here :) keep doing what you do and i hope you're safe and warm & healthy!! also to every hanji stans out there one fucking day when we love a character the author wont rip our hearts and throw it to the garbage, im so so sorry for my long long ask but if i could request maybe eren apologizing to hanji inpaths or when she got captured or

or when she died or you choose!! i saw this art by @siroyuki 2015 in twitter where he's hugging her and shit, you should check it out it gave me feels!! i just want her to be loved and appreciated :((( again thank you so much if you made it this far! im sorry if you're annoyed or smthn HHAHAHA i promise this is the last! thank you for your service to humanity we stan 💪😩👌💕💞

ah don’t you let canon frustrate you, it doesn’t matter anyway :D like you saud, we still have fics and fanarts

however, yeah, i do kinda feel you :/ like the way yams keeps glossing over hange's death is actually a bit weird? like i know they're at war and i know that they have no time for grieving etc but the kids were literally bawling their eyes when hange died but no mention of her sacrifice at all after that? like in 136, gabi said that they should stop the rumbling to repay azumabito's kindness and that's ummmmmmm.... a little bit weird. sure, gabi is a little girl with no connection to hange but reiner, jean and connie were there, when gabi said that and they saw hange’s sacrifice, so why not say something like “yeah, we can’t let commander hange’s sacrifice go to waste?” like come on. what did azumabito do? let falco transform on the board of her ship, so now she travels on a boat? i don't think that can compare to hange's acts though. she literally brought these mfs who were ready to jump at each other's throat together and then she sacrificed her own life to give them yet another chance at success. a sacrifice that was proved to be utterly meaningless in the very next chapter? why did falco learn about his ability to fly only after hange died? why didn't he discover it upon first transformation? :/

oh, and speaking of hange's character arc? like i get it, she was depressed, she struggled with her role as a commander (even though she did everything she could and she did a damn good job at it). and i guess that this plotline was kinda resolved when she heard that erwin approved of her actions? and that's cool, if what we've seen was actually an afterlife and not hange's hallucination. because if it was indeed a product of her mind then that's, um, kinda depressing bro. hange was so desperate for someone's approval that she dreamed about it while literally dying. i just don't understand why yams didn't include a scene where kids tell her how much they respect her and what an honor it was to serve under her command or SOMETHING. but as it is, hange died, thinking she was weak and useless and, um, yeah, certainly not the end you want for your favorite character :)

so yeah, hange's death was kinda meaningless and pointless - it didn't serve the plot whatsoever + it could have been very easily avoided

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lukneetoonz · 4 years ago

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LITTLE GODDESS PART V

——————————————————————————

Summary: As a newer goddess you think back on how you got to where you are; in the throne room sitting next to your husband, the god of the dead.

Pairing: Hades!Aizawa x fem!reader, DadNyx!Izuku x fem!reader platonic, MomSelene!Uraraka x reader platonic.

Warnings: Make out 👀, mentions of drinking, mentions of blacking out, oh and in this I made Dabi a todoroki by making him ares so he's connected in that sense.

Word Count: 2,191

A/N: I feel like- shit that I've been MIA, but I really have had major struggles with my mental and physical health. I beg you, if you’re struggling with something mentally, reach out to someone. Even if you're scared please do, because it’s never easy to deal with it on your own. My dms are always open, and I don’t care if we never talked before, please don’t hesitate to dm me.

NO ARTWORK POSTED IS MY OWN AND IS FOUND ON PINTEREST

—————————————————————————-

Let’s retrace your steps, you went to the party, you talked to Denki, got your drink spilled on you, went to the bathroom, then- nothing. You remember nothing else. There was no way you could have got that drunk, right? Taking a bite out of the godly crepes that Aizawa made, you snuck a peak at him, blushing because he was perfect. Oh how lucky you were that he couldn’t hear your heartbeat or how it was rapidly beating against your chest. Maybe he did and was being polite and ignoring it….

“Is the headache any better Y/N?” Meeting Aizawa’s concerned eyes, you smiled softly and nodded. “Yes, thank you for the coffee and medicine. You’re a lifesaver.” Aizawa tsked at your proclamation, waving you off, “I’ve just had a few too many hangovers myself to know how much it sucks.” The corners of your lips quirked upward as you nodded, this felt so- natural… maybe a little too natural. “I can give you a ride home little goddess… if you’d like one”

Contemplating the king's words, you smiled and nodded, “I’d like that very much.”

:readmore:

Aizawa tried his best not to blush at your smile that was directed towards him, “I-you can wear one of my shirts and sweatpants if it’s more comfortable? I don’t have any female clothes… I apologise” Why was it that finding out he had no female clothes made you happy? Maybe it’s because of the hint behind it, that he has no female clothes because there are no females over at his house. Shaking your head, you smiled at him, “It’s fine, it’s not your fault. But I could use a jacket or sweatshirt… it’s rather chilly here”

Chuckling, Aizawa nodded and leaned on his palm looking at you, “This is the underworld… Plus I may be friends with Hizashi but I don’t think I could handle him around so much to help bring sun here.” Giggling You smiled at the man, goosebumps running over your skin as a shiver went down your spine. “I rather favor the moon myself” Bottom lip pulled between your teeth as you blushed at your own comment about your mother, thinking how you probably sounded silly. But, amidst Your self doubt, the ravenette laughed, almost a sparkle in his eye. “I think that’s a rather biased opinion, wouldn’t you agree?”

Laughing, you blushed as you nodded, “I think I should be allowed the bias, wouldn’t you agree?” Aizawa shrugged slightly, a teasing look in his eyes as both elbows laid in front of him, letting him lean forward, “You don’t see my favouring Titans now do you? And I am the son of two of them.”

A giggle left your lips as you brought the warm coffee up to your lips and took a sip, “Hmm… touché”. Aizawa sighed in content before slightly frowning as he remembered you can’t stay here… you have a life beyond this place. You didn’t belong being trapped here with him. You deserved so much more in his eyes. Noticing his cold, yet warm stare, you tilted your head as you met his eyes. “Shouta?”

Snapping out of his thoughts, he blushed slightly before coughing to try and cover up his embarrassment, “I- sorry… I was just daydreaming I guess.” Cracking a slight smile, you could see his teeth that were just begging to be shown on full display, but of course they never were. The thought alone of being able to make shouta smile like that, made your heart warm in funny ways. They always did say that god's feel stronger emotions than any other being.

They love faster. They love harder. But they also fight harsher. They also hold grudges the longest. And they also feel the worst of pains. Sighing, you just finished your coffee before a shiver ran down your spine. “Ah, that’s right, you need something warmer” Blushing at his own forgetful mind, shouta walked until he was out of the kitchen and rummaging through his closet for something warm.

*•*

Being left alone gave you more time to look around and appreciate every little detail of the king's house. Taking in the details you started thinking of what it would be like to live in such a house, to dance around on the marble floors. To have x amount of bedrooms to choose from. To sit in the study with the king himself while reading a book that can’t even be found anymore…

“I got you a crew neck sweater of mi- Y/N?” You jumped slightly as you didn’t even hear him coming, blushing you moved to cover your face. “Oh gods- I’m sorry! I was lost in thought.” Smiling at your flustered face, Aizawa moved to stand in front of you, grabbing your wrists gently to tear your hands away from your beautiful face. “Don’t Apologize little goddess, wasn’t I just the one spacing out?”

Peeking up at him, you automatically loosened up from his soft look and touch. Nodding softly to agree, because you couldn’t trust your voice to be straight. There was something so peaceful about the silence that surrounded the both of you, it was so quiet that all that filled the air was your own breaths. In such a trance, neither of you noticed how close your faces had got, not until your lips feathered against each other.

Eyes now only focusing on the temptation of kissing the king's lips, to taste him, to devour him. Your rational side flew out the window as you stood straighter and finally gave into your desires. Shouta wasted no time kissing you back, large hands cupping your cheeks as your own gripped onto his robe. If there was any plus side to how gods feel, it was that they wasted no time in showing the passion you were bound to create.

His teeth grazed your bottom lip, almost asking if he could explore you more, and how could you say no to a king? Lips parting, your tongues moved one another as shouta got more dominant with his movements. Hands moved from your face to cup your ass and place you on the counter, your legs spreading to let him be as close to your body as possible. The simple motion was graciously accepted by the man as he held your waist to hold your body against his. Breaking away slightly for air, you both panted as you stared at each other, almost as if you were both giving the other an out if they didn’t want to do this.

Neither of you spoke as Aizawa dipped down once more to capture your lips in a much slower, but much sweeter embrace. Your hands crept up to cup his jaw, just holding him there as this kiss spilled more feelings then the one before. No longer did you need that sweater as your body was hotter than it ever was, not to mention how the Male in front of you was warm and welcoming. Against his better judgment, Aizawa pulled away once again, letting his eyes close as he rested his forehead on your own, lips grazing your nose in a loving manner.

Taking this time, you observed the man up close for the first time, taken away with how truly beautiful he was. Fingers gently brushing the scar that rested on his cheek bone, mouth forming into a frown as you thought about what could have happened. Almost like reading your mind, his deep voice broke the silence, “I got it from the war… There's many more where that came from, but that’s the price for how we live today.”

Dark eyes finally opening to meet your own that were full of warmth and comfort, Aizawa merely moved to hug you close as his head nuzzled itself into your shoulder. Something so soft coming from the one they deemed the scariest god, was truly surprising, but you didn’t let it sway your motions as you hugged him back, one hand finding itself in his hair. “I hope you don’t think of me as a man who does this with just anyone… I would very much like to take you out tonight if you’d all-”

“I would love to Shouta… a-and I don’t. Think like that I mean… I hope you don’t think I’m a goddess who just kisses men whenever she wants.” Your voice Interrupting his own, but it wasn’t unwanted. As soon as your voice disappeared from the air, Aizawa was already answering. “I don’t. I think rather highly of you little goddess. Higher than most.”

Smiling at his comment, you moved your head so you could press your lips to his temple softly. Leaning your head on his, you let your eyes close to enjoy this moment, wanting to bask in all its glory before it inevitably had to end.

*•*

As you thought, the moment wasn’t meant to last forever. Interrupted by a loud bang that represented a door being kicked down, followed by a loud, “I AM HERE FOR FAMILY LUNCH!”. Groaning, Aizawa quickly picked you up off the counter and placed you back onto your own two feet. It would have seemed rude if he hadn’t quickly placed the sweater on your figure and stood in front of you, wanting to hide you from his annoying brother.

Trying your best to stay hidden behind the dark haired man, you both could hear the loud stomps coming towards you. Quickly thinking, Aizawa turned around to face you, giving you an apologetic look as he did, “Trust me I’m saving us both from a lot of trouble” and before you could respond, lips met your forehead in a rushed kiss and you were suddenly back at your house. Of course he fizzed you back… come to think of it, you could have also done that this morning… oh well you made out with him because you had a dumb moment.

Back in the underworld, blonde tufts came into view and Aizawa gave him a bored expression, “and you barged into my house, because?”. Toshinori just laughed before ruffling Aizawas hair, “Older brother, have you forgotten what day it is? Rei sent me just to pick you up since we all know you like to skip or show up late. So for now I’m your chauffeur for family lunches!” With his eye twitching, Aizawa knew he wasn’t getting out of this. Grumbling, he walked past his brother and quickly changed into a more casual outfit of a black turtleneck and dark grey dress pants.

Without even stopping for toshinori, Aizawa walked past him just mumbling about how no one has boundaries or respect. The blonde merely laughed before walking with him to the car, but of course not mentioning the heels he saw next to his brother's front door.

The drive was nothing but quiet and longer than it seemed. Aizawa had no intention of making small talk with his brother, since he had rudely interrupted his morning. His morning with the goddess that seemed to have latched onto his heart, with no intention of letting go, not that he minded. As they arrived at the glorious manner of the golden royals of Olympus, they were greeted with a yelling Touya- no Dabi now since he wanted to separate himself from his father as much as he could.

Eyebrows furrowing, Aizawa could See Natsou already with a glass of wine, laughing at how his father tried dodging his brother's angry attacks. Shouto on the other hand, was making deadly knives and giving them to his brother to help him. Fuyumi was trying to stop them both as rei just smoked a cigarette on the side, looking at the men with an unamused expression. Fuyumi quickly thought of a plan to stop the god of war, aka her brother, from killing her father. Of course she was able to stop them since she was the goddess of war, her brother's counterpart.

Once it was all calmed, the brothers got out of the car, preparing themselves for an interesting family lunch.

——————————————————————————

Taglist; @present-mel

@maya-ngpirit

@a-match-into-themoon

@nhievyenne

@negansnumberonewifie

@darkqueenhyde

@minfani

@creolemimi

@lhcartoonist

@fairy-inthegarden

@taylor----wonderland

@the-british-koala

@leeeah-loooser

@vinaios

@astralvante

#mha fanfiction #mha imagines #ely here #mha aizawa #aizawa imagine #aizawa x reader #bnha shouta aizawa #shouta aizawa headcanons #shouta aizawa x reader #aizawa fanfiction #littlegoddessfic #mha toshinori #mha dabi #mha shoto todoroki #mha fuyumi #mha enji #mha rei #mha natsuo #im back lovelies

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rpmemes-galore · 5 years ago

Text

How to write a character with PTSD / C-PTSD:

*disclaimer: this is entirely based on my own, personal experiences with PTSD. it’s to serve as a basis and guide, but not a firm rulebook for writing it. different people can have different symptoms, at varying levels of severity. PTSD is also often tied with depression and / or other generalized anxiety disorders.This will be extremely personal, and has the potential to be triggering to anyone who has suffered abuse / noncon, or has ptsd / c-ptsd.

WHAT IS C-PTSD?

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape. --- wikipedia

C-PTSD is a subset of PTSD. Whereas PTSD is mostly associated with a traumatic event that only lasted for a short amount of time, or only once ( eg. car accident, sudden loss of a loved one, ect. ) , C-PTSD has to do with prolonged traumatic events ( eg. ongoing abuse, imprisonment ). And depending on the severity and conditions of the prolonged event, those suffering with it can have varying symptoms and levels of symptoms. For this guide, I’m going to be focusing on the PTSD / C-PTSD that I, personally, struggle with: severe, caused by abuse and noncon. References from MAYO CLINIC

INTRUSIVE MEMORIES:

Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event: Unlike in Hollywood, flashbacks do not have to be full-blown reliving of the event ( though, it can be ), but rather small, often disconnected glimpses of memories that strike while going about your daily life. Things that can trigger it are smells, sounds, or the sight of something connected to the traumatic event. It can be benign as the sound of someone walking toward you, or bad as someone getting in your face and shouting at you. And what triggers you one day may not trigger you the next.

Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks): In my personal experience, this is much harder to come back from than the smaller glimpses mentioned above. This is a full reliving. As far as you’re concerned, you ARE back in the trauma. You ARE back in that house, in that room, with that person... you see them, hear them, they’re in front of you, and you’re that defenseless child, again. This often leads to a panic attack, even after you’ve returned to reality.

Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event: Can’t talk about this one much, because I specifically taught myself to lucid dream due to nightmares I used to have... but, that was a long time ago. I do remember they would not be perfect recreations of the event. They’d be disjointed. Often would involve people who hadn’t been there at the time, or random details would be mixed up or completely wrong ( for instance, instead of standing in the kitchen, you might be out in a field. Multiple events could be happening at once, with no coherency. ) And I do remember waking up suddenly, in a sweat... and sometimes avoiding sleeping for DAYS just to avoid having those nightmares.

Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event: Similar to the first point, this can also be caused by sights, sounds, smells that you recall from your traumatic moments, or, sometimes, even just from the place where your trauma happened. Unlike the glimpses of memories or full flashbacks, these are disconnected feelings, usually fear, anger, betrayal... and in response to something that might seem silly to someone else. For instance, for me, I have a severe reaction to flyswatters. What is a simple tool to someone else, that they have no issue touching, I can’t even go near. Hands start shaking, I can’t breathe, I tense up like I’m going to be hit. And similar to that, the sound of someone raising their voice, even happily or not toward me, fills me with immediate dread. note: this can lead to being a pleaser. desperately trying to avoid upsetting anyone because you’re terrified of people who are upset, whether it’s your fault or not.

AVOIDANCE

Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event: Self-explanatory on the not wanting to think about it.No one likes to think about things that upset them. As far as the not talking about it goes, it can have a lot to do with shame. You’ve been trained to think it was your fault you were treated so badly, and telling anyone else, means you’re admitting that you were bad and deserved it. And you’re afraid they’re going to agree with your abuser. Or they’re going to gain up on you with your abuser... even if there’s no rational reason to believe these things, the thoughts are still there.

Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event: This can lean toward the extreme... specifically going out of your way to avoid things. Cancelling plans if it might be even slightly related to your trauma, such as a person from that time being there, being in a place --- or sometimes even being near a place --- that reminds you of your trauma ( like a store you went with your abuser ) , or refusing to take part in something that you and your abuser did together. This can even extend to tasks around the house. For instance, if housework was something tied to your abuse, even marginally, you might avoid doing dishes, or washing the floor.

NEGATIVE CHANGES IN THINKING AND MOOD

Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world / Difficulty maintaining close relationships / Feeling detached from family and friends: Self-esteem plummets. You have a lot of trouble trusting others, or believing that they truly want the best for you. You have trouble believing that you have any potential, or that you’re capable of doing anything... lose trust in your own judgement and second guess everything you do. You ignore red flags. You constantly need validation in your choices. You feel like someone else needs to second any decision you make. Nowhere feels safe. Even going out of the house is a struggle, and you’re scared and uncomfortable they entire time, like you’re waiting for something bad to happen.

Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event: Feeling like there’s a grey area or the memory being fuzzy, even when you specifically try to recall certain moments. This can lead to doubt, and wondering if you even have trauma. ---- And not only that, but if your abuse involved gaslighting, you lose faith in your memory of the event. You start overthinking. You doubt whether or not you were even abused. You think you might be remembering things wrong, misconstruing things, being unfair to your abuser.

Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed: As PTSD often goes hand-in-hand with depression, you can experience the same symptoms, including lack of motivation or interest, even in things you genuinely enjoy. For me, I LOVE writing. But, actually finding the motivation / energy / confidence to do it is hard... even on good days, it’s a fight to get myself to sit down and accomplish anything.

Difficulty experiencing positive emotions / Feeling emotionally numb: Good feelings feel bad. That’s the only way I can describe it. Things like happiness or satisfaction feel... wrong. Like, you’re not supposed to be feeling them. The way I’ve had this explained me to me is: your brain is so used to feeling bad emotions that feeling anything positive is foreign. it’s easier to stick with what you know, no matter how hard it is. ----- You can have moments of complete emotional nothingness. You disconnect from your feelings completely. The world around you doesn’t feel real. The people around you don’t feel real. It’s like being in really terrible VR.

CHANGES IN PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL REACTIONS:

Being easily startled or frightened / Always being on guard for danger: You’re always jumpy. It’s like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, or waiting to be hurt or yelled at.

Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast: This can also extend to self-harm in many forms ranging from cutting, to holding hot objects... ( the most difficult part is when you feel dirty inside and feel like you need to cut or burn it out. It’s an overwhelming feeling that’s very hard to beat or calm yourself down from. ) or just neglecting yourself, like not tending to cuts or scrapes. And you feel like you deserve them. You tell people not to worry when you get hurt because you’re used to it... and, because it’s you that it’s happening to, it’s okay. Other forms can include substance abuse, alcohol abuse, or even --- consciously or unconsciously --- seeking out abusive relationships just for a sense of normalcy.

I hope that this guide helps you. And if you are struggling with PTSD, yourself, please don’t be afraid to reach out and find help. You are loved. And your worth is NOT determined by what other people have done to you.

#not a meme #long post #ptsd tw #cptsd tw #trauma tw #abuse tw #rape tw #selfharm tw #noncon tw #extremely potentially triggering.#writing resources #this was very personal and hard to write #but it means a lot to me and i felt like i need to share. proper representation is important #any negative comments regarding this / negative comments toward people with this condition / or inappropriate jokes on this post #will be blocked.

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preppymayhem · 5 years ago

Note

1 + 66 + 74 (any ship/series you want)

Historical AU + It’s Not You, It’s My Enemies + Huddling for Warmth

Gundam Wing, 1xR (Vaguely set in 16th century reminiscent Europe, but honestly the historical accuracy is that of CW’s Reign so that’s that on that)

I dont know how much I captured the second two tropes but I think I got the spirit. This will never be a fully realized fic so I went overboard because this is all that I can manage

Relena bent over the desk and quickly scribbled hurried words across the page, only fainting hearing the howls of the blizzard outside.. This was not official correspondence, it wasn’t even personal correspondence. No, she was writing a letter that no one would ever read. Once it was complete she would cast it into the fire burning brightly in her rooms as she had done so many times before.

She’d written hundreds and hundreds of letters over the course of the last five years and she had burned every single one of them in a futile effort to exorcise feelings that she by virtue of her position and her birth could not afford to feel. But unlike the fires and piles of ash, she was finding her emotions and longings were not so easily put out.

Relena thought of the preceding months and her conversation with Quatre earlier. He had the audacity to question her motives.

“I can understand,�� Quatre said, “Your position.”

“Hardly,” she replied, “I am a woman and a Queen. You are merely the only of son of a highly successful merchant. We are quite different.”

She doesn’t think she hurt him by that remark, surely he must understand what was at stake for everyone.

“Is that why you have not yet made a match?” he asked.

She stared out at the setting sun over the hills, if this was Sanq, she would watch the sun disappear over the ocean. Relena wished she was there now.

“I have not made a match because as a woman and a queen my only power and indeed my only leverage is my ability to refuse,” she said, “I cannot act rashly and just marry for the sake of producing an heir. I must be sure that my marriage will secure the sovereignty of my nation and….”

She sucked in a breath.

“And to insure that I will still have the control I seek, because regardless of who I marry, I am still the sovereign Queen of Sanq.”

“Is that the only reason?” Quatre asked, “because I am not sure that is quite right.”

She turned to him and almost put a hand to her cheek as if he had slapped her.

“What do you mean?”

He looked at her gravely.

“I meant what I said earlier,” he said, “because I too am not free to act on my desires. To…choose the person I would give my heart too…”

Relena was pulled from her thoughts when the papers on the desk began to shuffle. She scrambled to catch them before they scatted and only managed to knock the inkwell over the unfinished letter in front of her. Oh well, spilt ink was probably just as effective as the fire for obliterating unwanted feelings.

She turned to see where the gusts were coming from when the fire in the hearth flittered for a moment. There was an open window at the corner of the bedchamber. She lept from her seat and rushed over and shut the window, and tightened the bolt. She inspected the latch because she could have sworn that Hilde had secured the room before retiring for the night. Nothing was amiss, maybe Hilde had not tightened the bold enough thought that seemed very unlike her handmaiden.

She went back to her desk and surveyed the mess of ink and paper and sighed. She began gathering the papers in order toss the whole lot in the fire when she heard a grunt come from behind her.

“Are you really going to discard all that?”

Relena didn’t turn at the voice as she didn’t need to. She should’ve known, she’d been waiting all night for him to give her some sign he was coming.

“Is that you Heero?” she asked, still not turning around while making sure that everything was in order, though she stopped when something occurred to her. She turned instinctively.

“Did you come through my window? You scaled the walls during that blizzard outside?”

Heero had come into the light from the dark corner by the heavy wooden wardrobe towards the front of the room. He looked cold as he only wore what seemed to be a light coat over his shirt sleeves. She quickly guided him to a seat by the fire.

“You better have some vitally important information for me, otherwise I will be most displeased,” she said, “that climb in this weather would have killed most any other man.”

“I am sorry for your displeasure than,” his voice is so soft and slightly chattering, “but there is nothing I can disclose at the moment for fear of compromising you.”

She wants to chide him for his discretion, but she knew it was necessary. As the Queen of Sanq it was of the utmost importance of that she be seen as above reproach and free of any sinister entanglements. Still, he shouldn’t have risked it, he was too important. She told him that in no uncertain terms.

He shivered, and she grabbed the loose blanket hanging on the footboard and wrapped it around him, trying to not linger too much. They were alone, no fear of being discovered, but still it was best to maintain the appropriate boundaries.

Those boundaries hadn’t always been in place. There had been a time when it had been as if they were almost equals. But that was an illusion, there were few people who were equal or even her superior. She could still see him kneeling at her feet, swearing his fealty. He was her right hand, her sword, her shield and her tool.

And she had accepted it because the alternative was that she would have had to let him go entirely. It was shameful. She pushed those thoughts aside, he’d chosen his course freely it had not been her doing.

“Well you will spend the night, I can’t let you out in that blizzard.”

“I can’t—“

She held a hand up to quiet his protest.

“We blocked off the passage due to the assassination attempt,” she said quieting what he had been about to say, “Noin insisted on it. And there are plenty of hiding places if we are to be disturbed but I’ll dare say the storm should let up before there is any worry of that.”

He nodded.

“I’d call for a hot bath but I am afraid I already bathed today and I insisted that Hilde retire. I’ve really asked too much of her.”

“You’re fond of her,” his voice is still hoarse but some of the color was returning to his skin so she felt better that he hadn’t suffered any lasting effects from the exposure. She both did and didn’t want to look at his hands though.

“I guess I am,” she said, “she is one of the few people here who I can trust. Not completely of course but…Have you discovered anything more? About the murder of Lord Septum, I mean.”

“Not really,” Heero said, “the rumors among the staff and the lower rungs is that it was either myself—“

“Was it you?” she didn’t really think it was, but she had been meaning to ask. She had not forbidden him from taking any action that might be in her or her country’s favor and that could possibly include murder, “and if it was, I would think you would hide your tracks better than that.”

“They don’t know it’s me exactly,” he said, “I am the shadow here, but no, I didn’t murder the man as godawful as he was. I wanted to after—“

She stopped him again, this time she shuddered. That was a memory she did not want to forget.

“They also think it’s Treize’s dog,” he said, Heero never used titles in private company save for hers, another signal of the divide that laid between them.

“His dog?”

“Lady Une,” Heero said, “there are too many enemies here.”

“It couldn’t possibly be His Excellency,” she said, “this castle is housing some of the most powerful people in the realm. The death of any one of them would launch a global conflict.

Relena nodded.

“How about you?” he asked, “are your plans going smoothly.”

She turned to the fire and tried not recall the botched letter she had been writing prior to his arrival.

“There are prospects,” she said.

“I like Quatre,” he said.

“Sir Winner?” she asked and she instinctively recalled their earlier conversation, “I like him too, but I think I can do better.”

Heero appraised her for a moment.

“A wealthy son of a merchant? He’s rich, you’d retain power, and the Winner mines are vital for a countries security,” he said, listing the benefits of the match.

“Yes, but he doesn’t have men nor land, and I don’t marriage in order to secure a treaty with Winner,” she said, “It would not be completely disadvantageous but I shouldn’t settle yet.”

He doesn’t speak so she goes on.

“I don’t trust Barton’s son, though I know their armies are great.”

“Dekim Barton is merciless, How is his son?”

“Aloof,” Relena said, “but I don’t see the resemblance, but there is the connection with the Chang Clan. That would be a vital trading partner.”

“I thought the representatives were married?” Heero asked.

“They are, his wife, Meiran is serving as one of my ladies in waiting,” she said and shrugged sheepishly, “I am afraid my Court isn’t deeply stocked. She is more supportive than Dorothy however.”

Heero said, nothing, they didn’t speak of the fact that it was likely that one of the member’s of Relena’s court was most likely a spy for the enemy.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she said, “I don’t believe that either Meiran or Dorothy are against me. They may not be loyal, but they are not traitors.”

“I think it would be Leila,” he said, “she is connected to the Bartons.”

“She’s so meek though,” Relena said, “I think she would break.”

He’s too cold to argue.

“I still think you should consider Quatre,” he said, “I think he could make you happy.”

Relena debated whether she should disabuse him of that notion. Quatre had all but admitted that he had a lover, which peeved Relena because of course a man was forgiven any dalliance while she had to struggle to maintain her propriety. She doubted he could make her happy because she knew she could not make him happy. His words spoke to an affair that wasn’t just or even primarily physical. But it was still a matter of fact that Quatre could conceivably marry and maintain the affair.

The resentment burns. She was not expecting faithfulness in marriage, that was a vain hope for a woman marrying for political advantage, but still the idea that her husband could maintain a love on the side while she could not was a hard pill to swallow.

“It’s not about my happiness,” she said, “it’s about what is best for my country. I will do what is needed. That is all.”

She couldn’t look at him when she said that, she couldn’t betray the pain that she knew must be written on her face.

She schooled herself back to a calm cool demeanor.

“Regardless, you will be with me?” The question is meek, but she stuck with it. She could bear the course of her life if he was her ally. Her friend.

He slid off his chair and leaned his forehead to her knee, it was not a bow nor a show of subjugation, but a promise.

“To the end my queen,” he said, “my life is yours.”

She stroked a hand through the mess of tangles on his hair before lifting him up so she could slide down to be on his level. She only leaned forward and pressed her lips to his forehead. Chaste. Pure. And full of all the wishes and hopes that she had had to foresake when the crown had been placed on her head.

She pulled his head down to lean against her chest and wrapped her arms around him, trying to will the heat of her body to his.

And for a moment they both forgot the constraints that laid outside that room. He was hers, and even though it could never be realized in the light of day. She was always and forever his.

#fanfiction by moi #askfill #show: gundam wing #otp: relena darlian x heero yuy

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colehence · 5 years ago

Text

Ok first of all: Sorry, it’s so damn long, full of mistakes and ... at least I tried ...

Baelin watched the activities in the living room from the corridor. Jay and Zane hung colorful chains and kitschy decorations all over the walls, while Skylor, Pixal and Nya brought boxes full with stuff from some storeroom and began to build some white wire reindeers. And Kai struggled to set up the tree.

What an effort,' he thought and his mouth twitched. 'Only that you'd put it away again a few weeks later and the stuff would be forgotten in the chamber.'

A gentle movement at the other side of the room attracted his attention. His little sister staggered through the room, a red and white candy cane in each hand, beaming all over her face. She waddled on her stacky legs to Cole, who stood next to Lloyd at the window.

The two boys stuck their heads together and talked quietly. Sometimes Lloyd touched his friends arm and their eyes shone warmly.

Baelin would never admit it openly, but he loved to watch them. Even if that meant he waited behind the curtains like a voyeur to not miss the small, wonderful moments between them. He envied them a lot! A friendship like that was rare. So much trust, so much love and affection without crossing the boundaries of physicality. ‘Soul mates’, he thought.

He laughed quietly as Misha stretched her sticky little hands towards the two boys and crowed "Up, up!"

Without hesitation the dark-haired took her into his strong arms and the little girl giggled delightedly. Lloyd tickled her on the neck and the three looked like a perfect little family.

Baelin grinned. Oh yes, he would rub that in Lloyd's face when they were alone later. He loved to upset his roommates with ambiguities!

"Your sister seems to like us," said someone next to him and Baelin flinched and jumped a step to the side.

The intense look from Zane's ice eyes made him sweat, but the Nindroid didn't seem to notice. He leaned nonchalantly against the door frame and handed Jay, who was standing next to the door on the ladder, some decorative stuff.

"Oh, uh, yeah," he squealed and cleared his throat.

"Eh boys!" Jay bent down from the ladder and peered out at them. Baelin didn't like the fat grin on his face at all and when he followed Jay's gaze, he saw his guess confirmed: A spiky green branch hung over him and Zane.

"Sorry, I just hung it up. Well? Wouldn't you like to try it out right now?"

Baelin felt his face turning pale. "Who would hang a stupid mistletoe in the lintel?"

Jay beamed and Zane sighed, "I already have enough love interests. I don't really need another one."

"But I'd be a very good choice," Baelin hissed offended and cursed himself for his big mouth in the next moment.

"Oh, well," Zane grinned, gently embracing Baelin's wrist and pulling the boy towards him.

Baelin gasped in shock and closed his eyes as Zane's thoughts and feelings poured down on him. Bright colours, colourful lights, a gentle murmur like distant wings, joy, love, warmth, hope, peace ...

Silence!

Baelin opened his eyes and met the gaze of the glowing ice eyes, felt his head empty and felt nothing but this infinite, peaceful silence. Without his assistance he smiled, allowed Zane to bend down to him and breathe a kiss on the crown of his head.

As soon as the Nindroid broke the physical connection between them, the noise fell on him again. The loud laughter of the women, a small pointed scream from Kai and the unspeakably ghastly sound of cracking wood and shattering glass.

Baelin flinched and looked confused over to Kai, who hung upside down in the overturned tree, helplessly kicking his feet.

Zane laughed quietly, walked over the few steps to Kai and pulled him out of the tree. "What was that," the Nindroid asked, laughing.

"Yes, what was that?" Kai asked, staring at Baelin with a bright red head. "Mistletoe", Baelin said dryly and pointed upwards. "But hey, don't worry. I certainly won't take your boyfriend. I'm more into your girlfriend," he winked at Skylor.

"Oh, how sweet, but you are a few years too young for me, Baelin," the redhead countered laughing.

"Wait, boyfriend?" Jay looked back and forth between his friends with a bright red head.

Cole laughed, put Misha on the floor and picked up the cracked fir. "You're really not a bright spark, Jay!"

The tree had suffered a lot. He left all the branches hanging and here and there he had lost some needles.

"Uh, doesn't look good," Nya commented and Lloyd sighed.

"The box with the baubles is also broken."

They looked at each other. What a disaster! The party stood before and they would remain without decorated tree!

Baelin looked into the sad faces of his new friends. Somehow he couldn't get rid of the feeling that all this was his fault and so he sighed quietly and said: "How about you all take a little break and Lloyd and I will deal with the chaos here?

~~~ A few hours later all Ninjas and their friends stood at the door of the living room. Baelin looked at them one by one and smiled softly. Since his father had died 2 years ago, he hadn't felt such joy on the grand feast day as he does now. He was sure that they would appreciate his and Lloyd's work. He had no idea why, he just knew it.

Grinning, he opened the door and let them enter one by one. A soft whisper went through the crowd and Cole was the first to find his voice again. "Are those ... are those cookies on the tree?"

"And candy canes?" Nya breathed and her eyes shone.

Baelin felt his cheeks glow. With joy and also a little bit with shame: "Um yes. Do you like it?" he asked and looked uncertainly over to his and Lloyd's work.

The tree stood loopsided, but at least it stood. Its branches still seemed ripped and crooked, but a lot of burning candles, the red and white candy canes and the many colourfully decorated cookies that Lloyd and Zane had made a few days ago gave it an almost magical aura.

"Like it? That's the most beautiful tree I've ever seen!" Skylor's eyes shone. Pixal put an arm around her girlfriend’s hip and smiled at her.

“Yes, it is!”

"You did a wonderful job," Zane spoke up.

Then, there was a short wrangling as Cole and Kai tried to hug Baelin. But Lloyd stood in their way. "Mh-mh! Just look, don't touch, boys," he laughed.

Baelin smiled gratefully at his roommate, but apparently he had been happy too early, because Kai skilfully dived away under Lloyd's arms and pressed Baelin tightly before the boy could protect himself.

Again so many impressions and thoughts rushed into him. He could feel Kais heat, guess his confused and fast thoughts and ... his gratitude. He had felt guilty because the tree had gone broken because of him. And he liked Baelin. 'He likes me', it shot through his head and despite the unwanted physical contact and the many strange sensations in him, it made him smile. Maybe he had finally arrived. Finally ... found a home ...?

@pastelroseghost

#ninjago Christmas week #my stuff #ninjago #sorry its so long

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gg-astrology · 6 years ago

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Hey,love ! Idk if my ask got eaten up or not but I've been really curious about my Saturn placement cause I've really been struggling with it and it has gotten worse these past few years. I have retrograde Saturn in the first house in Gemini. I really want to know how to work with it. All the love 💕💕💕

Hey there!! 💞💞💞 Ahaskjknf i’m sorry i don’t even know if some asks are eaten up but :(( I got this one! 💞 Ooof I hope I can help? 💞

[ Gemini Saturn + Gemini Saturn rx in 1H ]

Nice I guess I’m doing this skjdnk as a continuation of the earlier saturn post

Saturn as the lord or time, of manifestation, in a light sign like Gemini the native may often listen to others and subsequently feel restrained by word, action or inaction (the limitation part)

Imagine a libra but like,,, as a gemini. Sometimes listening to others can be like ‘oh ok’ and then a minute later it can lead to someone being like ‘wait now that i think about it…’ it can lead to indecision on the person, over-thinking situations and thoughts to themselves into growing anxiety if they don’t learn how to take control of that and express themselves properly, healthily and openly to others to stop themselves from over-thinking/assuming stuff immediately

another thing to note is that because emotionality goes fast like POOF, once you’re reassured about something you act like you weren’t emotionally worried about it in the first place. It’s a good idea to mention it to others, or express your vulnerabilities/emotionality too because you may try to handle things short-term and think long-term engagement/planning is unnecessary. It is, like it’s necessary. Make sure to give yourself room/space to prep others that it causes you anxiety, so that if you ever doubt yourself/your relationship like that again you’ll have room to mention it as well.

Self-expression when it comes to the self/others is something that they prefer to be learnt. As in through practice, a lot of the time Gemini as a mutable/air sign may feel uneasy when they’re put on the spot to do something they might not be good at. There’s a tendency to be self-aware/feel shameful in themselves if they don’t perform the way that’s acceptable/know they’ll do well in/can give it a go with more than 50% chance of succeeding.

I think in a way you’re aware of how other responds to you, but also hyper-conscious about how you appear to others. The idea is you can sometimes over-think to yourself, worry so hard you wear yourself out with your mental activity. And that’s never a good thing to do because the lesson here for Gemini (communicative) and Saturn (challenges) is to learn how to speak when you need it the most.

Speaking to others to quell up worries, speaking about your emotions/how others makes you feel is kinda important.

You’re right, somethings aren’t as serious as it turns out to be but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t mention how it’s affected/hurt/impacted you prior. You might not want to burden/open up about your vulnerabilities, but it gives others a chance to look out and take care for you. To look after and be thoughtful towards you, which is something your Saturn in 1st is going to prefer.

Cut the problem at the bud, is what I’m trying to get at. Expressing your emotions/vulnerabilities is the way you can learn how to grow/accept changes best. At the same time, keep in mind that with how receptive Gemini is to response and activity around them– you do tend to think a little pessimistically about situation bc it ties in to practical ‘doing’ things to remedy it (if something turns out bad then you’ll have a solution ready)

Don’t let yourself think negatively all the time, communicate it out. And also sometimes, if you feel like you’re being tossed and turned with self-transformation. Try to learn how to express and feel confident in your own value and thinking. Gemini are adaptable, sometimes in Saturn you can be stubbornly opinionated even if it’s uncalled for or unwanted.

You hurt yourself most when you don’t learn how to be vulnerable or make Gemini ‘stiffen up’ when it’s supposedly flexible. Learn to be flexible with your thinking as well, not everything is pessimistic or optimistic, but you can express your feelings/thoughts/expression out loud and see where it leads you (where you need to go) 💞

A lil more on Gemini Saturn natives (not necessarily in 1st house)

Practicality/pragmatism is an approach they prefer. Because that cuts down on your worries right? But in doing so they can sometimes overthink their inaction/action into a spiralling myriad of self-worries/judgement and prone to not realizing how to deal with things emotionally (to the point where they measure how much they’re over-thinking with the response people give them in return or suppress their emotional component bc it was ‘whisked’ away by the response/ignore the ).

Overthinking because they feel a need to make the ‘right’ decision or seek security is common.

Insomnia, isolation– feeling lonely or ‘emotions’ is sometimes rejected. Activity is preferred to keep the self occupied, thus, sometimes native of the Saturn Gemini can turn to seek friends, communication, people. Because they never want to be left out/alone or lonely or feeling like they’re on the wrong/off path in life.

It’s more to do with feeling of being ‘unattached’ and uncared for rather than like what’s actually happening?? Sometimes the mind can overthink things which makes the emotionality/insecurities of the person more reactive. Being reciprocated or reached out to is also important, to feel like ‘oh there is a thread’ and quell some of that insecurity to dust (like the wind blew it away suddenly)

Self-expression can be a thing they enjoy alone, like writing and stuff. But mostly it still has to do with energy, keeping the self from feeling out of the loop/isolated and ‘checking in’ sometimes that people are listening to them.

Sometimes�� depending on the person, sharing an intimate side of their art/passion/self-expression requires them to shut their emotionality down and be in the right state of mind for it.

Gemini does well with practicality, so these Saturn Gemini people tend to be practiced people. Yet they may sometimes lack in emotionality, or rather they would absolutely hate to look dumb in front of others/public. Saturn is serious, in a light sign in Gemini everything have to have substance even if it’s casual/informal.

Saturn Gemini tends to get a little more stagnant, as in they fear being made a fool of so much they might not even attempt to do something until they’re ‘sure’ they’re going to do it well/good. Practice (since Saturn points to learning something and being able to show it out. What the Gemini Saturn needs to realize is that they tend to feel a heavy presence of ‘shame’ and panic when they feel like certain things are out of control (Saturn) and that they are being made a fool of (Gemini) in public

Your self-doubt becomes your self-preservation and thus self-limitations. Most of your worries stems from your own over imaginative thinking and consequently affect your health/emotionality as well.

Don’t assume, just do things. It helps you grow a lot better if you learn how to actually reach out and connect to others, instead of just thinking about it.

Also learn how to be on equal footing as others, as in– trust in your own ideas/opinions and good points. Don’t let your pessimism/insecurities shade over your vision and make you feel like you’re not as great as you are because you really are amazing person

Sometimes Gemini Saturn can have really strong spells of pessimism and isolation habit, as in they don’t listen to anyone else’s compliments on them and focus on the criticism/negatives. Be sure to learn how to ‘feel’ happy with compliments, not just looking at it critically all the time. You can be guarded or wary of delusions, but what you don’t realize is that you’re often self-delusioning yourself into being more negative and it’s not helping anyone around you help you. Learn how to seek help and also trust in other’s opinions/response. As well as your own, you only want to hear what you want to hear and that can sometimes lead to self-fulfilling prophecy when all you hear from your own head is fear.

Trust in positivity, and leave room to grow and learn. You need to be able to connect to your emotional side as well, and not let it get dictated by your thinking. If you can feel emotions healthily (balance/stabilize it out) your thinking will come along better as well. Try thinking about that 💞

Ok thats it! 💞💞 I hope this is helpful skdnfkjsn 💞💞💞

#gemini saturn #gemini saturn rx in 1H #1H #gemini saturn in 1H #yoda's corner #yoda the life guru edition #astrology asks #anon #asks

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ask-hextechjanna · 6 years ago

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Ok but hear me out

SonaxJanna

Disclaimer I am not a Sona mun or a big follower of demacia lore so i’m not super sure of all this

AnYwAYS

I always had this hc that Sona goes on tour all over the world for her concerts (partially to show off the talent in demacia and from house buvelle and partially to keep mage sona away from demacia to minimize the time people could start getting suspicious of her music containing magic), altho with the ryze video it seems like instead of playing concerts she’s running all around the mainland dealing with the world runes. Either way it seems like the two could have an opportunity to meet.

Just by playstyle alone, I’d say Sona is the more aggressive of the two and probably instigates everything.

They’re both insanely good at their magic and I think some sort of mutual admiration would come from that. I know my portrayal of Janna is already absolutely enchanted by sona’s music and finding out that such a beautiful art can be made with magic? Immediate fascination right there. Plus sound waves need travel through a medium (cough air) so something something connected powers.

I think they’d be good supports for each other (hah pun totally intended). I can’t say anything about their personalities (whatever personality you can grasp from those generic ass “im a nice girl” VO lines. I guess Janna’s new lore has confirmed that she’s pretty playful and not beyond using her magic to get petty revenge. But sona ????), but I assume for the most part they’re both pretty easygoing (janna’s probably more stubborn of the two tho since she had to have that trait to survive) and kindhearted and probably get along pretty well early on.

I also think they’re both pretty lonely despite all this attention and it would be nice to find someone who they can relate to. While going Zaun to Piltover is probably less culture shock than magic loving Ionia -> burn the witches Demacia, they’ve had rather similar experiences of feeling unwanted as a child and then all of a sudden having to deal with gaining massive status and popularity in a place far away from home. It’d be good for both of them to meet someone who can sympathize with each other’s past traumas. I feel like this would also be a place where Sona massively gains respect for Janna since she remained so softhearted even after going through hell in zaun and how she had pulled and clawed her way out of a bad situation. There’s probably a lot of insecurity and trust issues from being abandoned as children + paranoia (sona for being outed as a mage and chased away or killed, janna’s leftover paranoia from living as a thief for most of her formative years and the fear one day people she stole from would recognize her and out her as a horrible person) that they both have probably not gotten over. It’d be interesting to see them help each other work through that.

Depending on if the sona mun believes sona killed lestara or not (and if lestara was a good mother), I feel like Janna could help sona work through the guilt as I’ve written my Janna with who has worked herself out of a decent amount of guilt over the death of one of her mentors)

I can also see some potential issues down the line. I see them both as people who would bottle up their own pain until it bursts. I think this is more applicable to sona since she grew up in an orphanage and then demacian nobility was probably trained to “behave” (shut up, don’t cause any trouble, don’t cry, act as an example as one of the older girls in the orphanage, etc). Sona would probably be super receptive (empathetic powers?? Maybe?? Or just super sensitive because learning to pick up when other people were upset or annoyed saved her from quite a few beatings at the orphanage) to when her partner is upset and would always check up on Janna. Which makes it all the more frustrating for Janna to watch as Sona hides her own pain, not practicing what she preaches and janna would probably get explosively angry at sona for this at one point and probably refuse to talk to her. Sona also might be a little jealous of Janna being able to freely practice magic and thus not have to struggle with hiding such a big part of her identity. Yet she can’t blame Janna for that because it really isn’t janna’s fault and she feels like such a horrible person for having such thoughts but she can’t help but feel resentful because being with janna each time keeps reminding her of how trapped she feels in demacia so she eventually has to leave. Wow I just started this ship and i’m already talking about how poorly they could break up wja;elkflskj.

They’ve got the same voice actor so that’s pretty neat too.

#muns musings #another ship that was half for the memes that i got too invested in #sonaxjanna

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amlao · 3 years ago

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Day 114 of Being Alone for the First Time in My Adult Life Sometimes, after or around my period, my mental health is absolutely terrible. I can’t get anything done, I walk around in an enormous fog on the verge of tears, I feel a knot in my stomach, and I ruminate about negative things that normally wouldn’t upset me. But I imagine that it’s much easier to manage than depression, because it’s very infrequent and I know it’s not my brain’s baseline...it’s just my hormones. I also can’t cry. I mean, I can. I’m physically capable of it.

But the way my sinuses are set up, I’d rather not. My entire life, on the unfortunate occasion I’ve lost control and allowed myself to cry, my eyes swell shut, my vision gets blurry, and I lose the ability to breathe out of my nose for days. Which is well past the timeframe I’ve ever been sad about anything.

I try to remind myself of that whenever I feel like crying, because it is absolutely not worth going to work/class mouth-breathing and looking like I’ve had a severe allergic reaction.

Anyway.

I have not been sad about breaking up with Matt the entire Summer. I had been crawling out of my skin for so long with restlessness that I felt instant relief, a sense of freedom, and a new chapter starting.

I also had so many connections reenter my life throughout the Summer: new friendships, being able to go back to the gym and work with my trainer again, getting a therapist, etc. that the connections I gained overrode what I lost.

But yesterday, for the first time, I saw Matt in person. I was getting out of my car and heading to class, and I made eye contact with him as he was in his car driving away.

And for some reason, I’m struggling with that.

I felt this in a huge capacity with Brad too; like, how can you be right there, with all the history and connection we both know we have, and just turn your back on it? No one even did anything that wrong: no one cheated, no one said anything I would consider unforgivable. You know a functional friendship is possible: we’ve both experienced it. We’ve both had a good time together. Are you really just going to throw away years of history because we didn’t work out in a romantic capacity? Can you really not move past that?

I expressed something similar to Matt when we were still together, about Brad and other exes of mine who have failed to move on, and he said something that struck me:

Me: I don’t understand why I can recode the relationship in my head so easily, but they can’t. It didn’t work out. The relationship wasn’t good. But our good friendship spanned longer than that, so why just throw that away? Matt: I don’t think you get it, because you’ve never not been enough for someone. It’s easy for you to move on and just see it as not the right fit, but they see it as having not being enough for you, and that shit hurts forever. Which...in a way, I do get, because that might be why I’ve been stuck on Logan for so long: he was more than enough for me, but he sought romantic and sexual gratification elsewhere, making me feel like I wasn’t enough. And I’d like to think that the reason I could never be friends with him has to do with his inability to respect boundaries, but I also wonder if there’s a universe where I could ever be friends with him without falling in love with him or feeling pain seeing him love with someone else. But I think there are other reasons for that. Logan and my relationship has never once been platonic. Even when we were talking while I was dating someone, there was always an undertone of sexual tension and flirtation. Down to our very last exchange, I asked him if he could respect my boundaries to have him blocked on all accounts and never contact me again, and his response was a teasing, “I don’t know, I’ll tell you tomorrow 😉,” And as I discovered, he creates that undertone with virtually any woman he talks to, whether it’s reciprocated or not. It was just impossible for me not to reciprocate, because it came so naturally and my dumb ass was so entranced by him. But I’ve never had another relationship like that. With Matt and Brad there was very much a divide that I felt that separated the romantic from the platonic. And because I knew the platonic was able to exist, I knew it could get back there under the right circumstances.

For me, at least.

“But why would you want to be friends with Matt after he texted you something so horrible? He called you selfish, said you gave him nothing as a partner, and told you to go fuck yourself,”

I guess I just chalk that up to him being hurt and know that he doesn’t mean it? But also...if he does mean it...he can go fuck himself. I was the best partner I was emotionally capable of being at the time.

For his birthday, I bought him a $250 box of Warhammer minis, took him on a daytrip to a zoo in another state, and bought him a nice dinner, and I did it all safely in the Summer of 2020, at the height of the pandemic.

I communicated with him about my feelings of ambivalence, and always made sure he knew that I valued him as a person and that it was my fault that I felt this way.

I tried to be understanding of his mental health and support him in the capacity he needed, and while I apparently didn’t give him what he wanted in that department, I knew I was in over my head in a lot of situations (PTSD, medications, etc.) and encouraged him to see a therapist. I even offered to help him pay for one. He was insulted by the implication that I thought his mental health was better on meds and that I thought he would benefit from a therapist, but I was unequipped to know what to say or do for his childhood trauma, aside from expressing sympathy and support.

I got a Nintendo Switch and learned to play games that he enjoyed so we could have things in common to do (granted, I genuinely enjoyed these games and still play them to this day) and watched dozens of animes with him, even though my attention span is 0.001 seconds long. I made time for him and came over at least once a week. When his back hurt or he didn’t feel like getting outside or walking with me, (something I need and enjoy in my routine) I was okay with staying in and just hanging out and didn’t complain.

I did things I don’t consider important or necessary in a relationship, like texting “good morning,” every morning because I knew they were important to him. I’m sure he would protest this one, because I originally told him that I thought it was stupid to have to text him good morning every morning just for him to assume I wasn’t mad at him, that he shouldn’t need that much reassurance in an adult relationship, and that it felt like an obligation to me. But he explained it, and eventually I apologized for being insensitive, understood, and went out of my way to do it for the rest of our relationship.

I built him up all the time and genuinely and sincerely complimented his intelligence, humor, personality, and physical appearance daily.

And I did this all while having so little to give and mourning my relationship with Logan daily.

He needed more validation in my commitment to him than I had to give, and he entered the relationship knowing I was unsure and promising that wasn’t an issue for him.

He knew what he was getting into when he pursued a relationship with me.

I just don’t understand him being so upset about it now, and saying I was worse than his ex who supposedly never complimented him, berated him daily, made him pay for everything, and forced him to do things he hated all the time. Unless that also wasn’t true, and he just took how he felt in that relationship (unwanted, unattractive, used, etc.) and ascribed those things to her literal actions. He has a tendency of remembering how a situation made him feel, and then creating an altered narrative to match that feeling.

For example, we once went to a very nice restaurant and got aggressively average service.

That’s it. That’s the whole story.

We waited five minutes to be seated despite having reservations, we didn’t get bread at our table, and our waitress was cordial at most. But the more times he retold this story, the more passive-aggressive the restaurant staff became in his rendition, the more malicious and intentional the small mistakes were.

And he remembered things like this a lot. That was actually a huge reason I knew the relationship wasn’t right: I didn’t trust his judgment or perception.

#the single chronicles

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texanredrose · 7 years ago

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Broken

So, a while back, someone brought up an ace!Yang headcanon for Elderburn, and I decided to give it a shot. However, I’m not ace, so a big shoutout to @keena-kapu and @thegreatersea for their assistance in writing this. Warning for NSFW elements in the beginning segment

Contrary to popular belief, Yang Xiao Long was a very smart person. Her grades throughout her combat schooling rarely reflected that because she did most of her assignments at the last minute, more keen on using her free time to focus on her interests rather than homework or studying, but she could retain information very well. She also could read people and situations, anticipate everyone's actions and reactions, and generally adjusted her actions accordingly. The blonde had spent the first month at Beacon learning her new teammate's limits, how far she could push a joke before it was no longer funny, what subjects were off limits and which ones just took a little bit of time to get them to open up about it. Her perceptive inclinations had rarely steered her wrong.

But everyone meets their match sometime and she'd met hers about three years ago.

Winter Schnee, her teammate's older sister... no one could've expected them to hit it off as well as they did. Maybe it was the circumstances- both of them wading through hell and high water to protect those they cared about- that bound them together or just a strange sense of companionable compatibility, because no one really laughed at her puns with such genuine amusement the way the other woman did and, despite her more laid back demeanor, Yang had found herself extremely motivated to accomplish even the most inane task since meeting Winter. When the dust settled and they stood victorious, when it looked like they could turn their sights to rebuilding and moving forward, the two fell into step beside each other almost without noticing, just... comfortable together. They officially started dating almost a full year after that and it easily constituted the best romantic relationship Yang had ever had.

Unfortunately, she knew the reason for that, and terror gripped her heart in that moment as her worst fears came true.

"Yang? Is something wrong?" Her girlfriend frowned slightly, hovering over her.

"Nope!" She smiled, forcing everything down and to the back of her mind, reaching up to wrap her arms around the other woman's neck. "I'm just, ya know, stoked we're finally doing this."

"Are you, now?" One pale brow arched and the blonde nearly buckled, those blue eyes darkened by desire searching for something she couldn't describe. She could make a guess, though, and she could hope she was a better actor than she ever was a student.

See, they hadn't had sex yet. Almost three years of being on more than friendly terms and two years solid of dating, but this remained one barrier they'd yet to breach. And not for lack of trying, at least on Winter's part. Usually, an excuse came to her lips or, on those rare blessed times, an actual interruption in the form of a call or visit from their friends or sisters. Being part of the small group to triumph over Salem's forces imbued them with a surprising amount of responsibility and it seemed every day brought with it a new challenge, but things had slowed down recently. They had time to enjoy being together, and with that came a certain amount of restlessness.

Yang had looked forward to it with equal parts trepidation and acceptance. This was the natural progression of relationships, right? Eventually, they'd have sex, and tonight seemed to be the moment when they had time, space, and the will to do it. Her girlfriend had past partners and had remarked once or twice about the pace of those relationships- all of them much faster than theirs, in most respects, but shallow and almost purely physical. They'd been markedly slower in this one facet, and though she'd never hinted at having a problem with that, it probably didn't sit well with her. Winter had once joked that putting off sex, in hindsight, seemed like the obvious answer to ensuring a deeper, more meaningful connection, but the blonde had remained silent, offering only a brief chuckle before changing the subject. She didn't believe sex had anything to do with it, of course.

Here in the moment, though, a simple change of subject would do her no good. Thankfully, she wasn't entirely adrift in the situation, without even driftwood to keep her afloat. Despite being the younger of the two by five years, Yang had her fair share of experience to draw upon as well, so she managed to stay strong and nod. "Absolutely." A hand traced up her side, beneath the fabric of her shirt, and she gasped, hoping the sound came across as either surprise or pleasure. "You, uh, don't have to go so slow, ya know."

Winter hummed, ducking down to connect their lips in a sweet kiss. "Always so impatient."

"Hey, what can I say?" She smirked. "I know when I've got a good thing comin'."

The words are always the easiest part, she'd found. Flirting, sweet talk, even sex talk- Yang never had a problem with that side of the equation. Mainly because it could always be waved away, allowing her something of a shield; most people didn't take her too seriously, always reading her advances as jokes, and they weren't too far off. Her girlfriend was different, of course, because she remained sincere in all the things she said to her...

... well, almost all the things.

Winter moved then, situating herself more comfortably between the blonde's legs as she sat back a little, grasping the hem of her shirt and lifting it up and over her head in a single fluid motion. While Yang might never get over how absolutely stunning her girlfriend looked in her military uniform or a well tailored pantsuit, seeing the woman in t-shirts was equally endearing, but she was jolted away from that thought when Winter reached behind her to undo her bra.

It... it wasn't bad, per se. Seeing her girlfriend in front of her, that certainly never qualified as bad. She could appreciate the woman's form- the musculature of a dancer, lithe and firm, with little scars across her torso from long forgotten fights, like marble chiseled by an expert hand- and see her obvious beauty but, as fabric fell away to reveal her breasts, something began squirming inside her gut, unpleasant and unwanted. It had nothing to do with the sight; it was the expectation weighing down on her.

Reciprocation. Returning the favor, matching her partner's passion- she could put a name to the sensation constricting her heart and turning her insides to a writing mess of well disguised horror but that didn't make it any easier a thing to combat. Ultimately, she couldn't fight it, she just had to accept it- that this was the next step in a relationship.

She could say no. On some level, she knew that, and she trusted the woman would immediately comply. But... she couldn't keep denying her girlfriend this. Winter wanted sex; she had to provide. That's how relationships worked.

I can do this.

"You're gorgeous, you know that?" She smirked, falling back on easy truths while staring into the woman's eyes.

Her girlfriend chuckled, crawling over her to initiate another kiss, smoldering on the edge of familiar territory and something new. Heated, but ready to turn hotter. Ironic that she would fear that level of heat. "You may have mentioned it before."

She liked kissing. On the lips, the head, the cheek, the hand, the shoulder, the neck- really, she just like kissing and cuddling, holding and hugging, and she could give all that out in a never ending stream.

Going beyond that... she could do. Of course she could. She'd done it before. She needed to get out of her own head.

But then fingers slipped beneath her shirt and she flinched.

"Yang?"

"Your fingers are cold," she said, thinking quickly and leaning up to put a sweet little kiss on the tip of Winter's nose. "Startled me."

Blue eyes narrowed as the woman drew back just a little, surprised. Not wanting to give her girlfriend too much time to think- because Winter was smart, and capable of outmaneuvering even Ruby in a show of tactics, and she would know if she started looking- she reached down, liberating herself of the garment with little fanfare. Just like changing, except with nothing to cover herself now, not even a bra- she'd already taken off her under garments before they made it to the bed. Less things to waste their time on, less things she had to be aware of, and she'd done this enough times to know that. The moments in which she feigned a struggle to tear the shirt over her own head, she tried to marshal her thoughts together. She loved Winter; Winter loved her. They had to do this at some point, so it might as well be tonight.

When the blonde had rid herself of her shirt, she could feel her girlfriend's eyes on her and it didn't- it should feel good. It should. But it made her skin crawl, because she didn't like it- she loved when those eyes fell on her full of affection, full of adoration, full of love. Now... yet, she could rationalize it. Winter was looking at her like that because she cared. They were doing this because they loved each other and this constituted an expression of that love.

I can do this.

"Come here," she said, and she did her best to infect her tone with a sultry tenor. Half lidded bedroom eyes, a smile on her face, she reached up only for Winter to draw away slightly. "Babe? Snowdrift?"

Winter tilted her head, alabaster strands spilling over her shoulder. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"O-of course." That didn't seem to convince the woman, so she tried stroking along her girlfriend's sides, falling back into old habits for a lifeline. "Don't tell me you're getting cold feet."

At first, all she got for a response was narrowed eyes, but the woman's expression broke into a smile a moment later. "No. Not at all."

Yang mentally sighed in relief, though her anxiety didn't abate one bit as Winter leaned down and kissed her, and she mentally braced herself as the bare skin of their breasts touched for the first time. It felt... weird. Not bad, not good, just... strange.

Unsettling, a little.

But she could do this.

I can do this.

She understood the mechanics of it. She'd had partners before. They weren't... none of them qualified as pleasant experiences, mind, but she did her best to not think about that. It didn't matter at the time; it was what she had to do, just like now. She had to do this, and Winter loved her more than the others, so maybe this time would be different. She just had to stay focused.

However, her entire train of thought was completely derailed when, suddenly, a hand pressed against the crotch of her shorts, pushing directly against her inner thighs and core.

She couldn't help it. Yang jumped and turned her head away, the shock and spike of pure no that shot through her making her impulsive response too strong to hide and Winter immediately sat back on her heels, breaking all contact.

Damnit.

"Yang, what's going on?" Her girlfriend's severe expression brooked no argument, eyes hard as steel. "Something's obviously wrong."

It's me. I am.

"I'm just- I'm nervous," she said, offering a little smile and reaching out. They could still get back into it- it wasn't over yet. "Just first time jitters, that's all."

Winter shook her head. "I don't believe that. You've had partners before-"

"But you're the first woman." It seemed like a sound excuse in her head and she did her best to articulate it, curling her lips into a small smile and doing her absolute best to sound at least a touch embarrassed by her actions. "I know it sounds a little silly, but it's just... a new experience, ya know? And it's been a while-"

"Yang." She crossed her arms over her stomach. "Please, don't lie to me."

Her mouth worked for a few moments, silently, but the words refused to come. "I- I- um, it's just-" Winter shifted and panic lanced through her, pure terror gripping her heart. "Wait, please, don't-"

"I'm just putting my shirt back on," the woman said, her voice soft as she reclaimed the fabric of pulled it over her head. Somehow, Yang hadn't noticed that the shirt was actually hers- black with white lettering for some band, part of a community rebuilding effort in Vale- and sat a little awkwardly on her girlfriend's narrower shoulders. "I suggest you do the same."

"But-"

"Yang." She snapped in that crisp, cold military fashion her voice had always held before her expression softened. Her shoulders relaxed, head tilting slightly as she smiled. "It's alright. Put your shirt on. Please?"

Words failed to string themselves together, so she hung her head and nodded listlessly, accepting the garment handed to her when she didn't have the guts to look up and find it herself. Shame caused her cheeks to flare bright red, the unpleasantness from before replaced by crushing guilt. She should've been able to do this for Winter. It wasn't hard- why did she have to be like... like this?

"Sundrop?"

She broke at the gentle, loving care with which the pet name fell from her girlfriend's lips, tears suddenly springing to lilac eyes and running down over her flaming cheeks. During their close calls, she'd been able to keep herself together, but they'd never gotten this far before. This seemed like well beyond the point of no return and here was Winter, being her calm, collected, loving self, and the blonde couldn't deal with it. Because she knew- she knew- that the woman would soothe her, would wipe away her tears and say it wasn't a big deal, that they could try again, but it would just be another night like tonight.

Arms wrapped around her, pulling her up to rest against the woman's chest, careful fingers carding through her hair as Winter began whispering sweet, reassuring words, but she couldn't hear them over the sound of her own inner voice berating her. Her girlfriend had done so much, put up with so much- even through blurry eyes, Yang could see the custom stand for her prosthetic resting on the bedside table. They hadn't known each other back when she had her real arm, when she was whole; she'd only ever known the blonde as she was now, a shattered image pulled back together and forged anew in the fires of combat, all jagged edges and asymmetrical baggage. When the nightmares had come back, Winter had held her just like this, told her it would be okay- and she believed the woman. Her girlfriend spoke with such conviction, how could she question it?

"It's okay, Sundrop. Let it out." Lips pressed against the top of her head. "It's going to be okay."

No, it's not.

"I'm sorry." She croaked out, reaching out to cling to the woman's shirt. "I'm so sorry."

"Hush, now. None of that." A gentle touch on her chin directed her gaze up into those dazzling blue eyes. "It's going to be okay."

I should be able to do this for you.

"I'm s-"

"It's okay, Yang." Her girlfriend drew her into a sweet kiss and it hurt. Winter loved her and she couldn't just- just get herself in order enough to do this one thing. "Let's go to bed."

"You said we shouldn't go to sleep angry," she said, voice thick.

"And I stand by that." Softly, Winter helped tug her shirt back over her head, pulling her thick mane out from beneath it. "But I'm not angry. Are you angry?"

She bit her lip, turning her head away as fingers followed her bicep down to the prosthetic's anchor and activated the release mechanism. Beneath the shame, she was angry, but with herself and herself only. After two years- two years- she should be able to do this without a second thought. She loved Winter, loved her like she didn't think was possible, and this was the next step. How could she keep denying her girlfriend this? The proof.

"Sundrop?" Against her better judgment, she looked up and once again saw nothing but patience and love looking back at her. "Are you angry?" Her left hand clenched into a fist but she still couldn't bring the words together. How was she supposed to tell someone like Winter- drop dead gorgeous, unerringly dedicated, lovingly affectionate Winter- that the very idea of them being naked in a sexual context nearly made her physically ill? After all those flirts, after all those words, how could she not back them up with action? "Oh, Yang. What's wrong?"

Me.

"I'm just- I..." She swallowed thickly. "I killed the mood."

Her girlfriend watched her for a moment before letting out a little chuckle. "Don't worry about it. I'm not upset and you don't have to be either." Her smile widened, blue eyes sparkling with sincerity. "Maybe another night?"

There it was. A promise at redemption and another chance to shove aside her damages, put it all in a box and push it to the furthest recess of her mind...

... and just like every time before, some part of her saw the truth.

You can't do it now, you won't be able to do it then. You're just stringing her along.

Yang tilted her head down. "Yeah. Another night."

Winter seemed to hesitate before reaching forward, tugging her into a sweet embrace. "Something's still bothering you." She murmured softly. "Do you want to talk about it right now?"

Without her prosthetic- detached and lying a foot away- she could only return the embrace with her left, squeezing with all her might. "N-no."

"Okay," she replied, sighing. "That's okay. How about in the morning, over breakfast?"

"Do we really have to plan this out?" She tried infecting a little playfulness into her tone. "Not everything has to be by schedule, you know."

The woman hummed. "I'd have thought you'd warm up to my penchant for planning by now."

"Snowdrift." Yang couldn't help but chuckle weakly. "You really need to work on your puns."

Silence followed before Winter responded. "Well, I'll slot practice in for lunch, then. I think that's being rather punctual."

That got more of a laugh out of her. "Better." She looked up, staring at the woman's face. "You'll be on my level in no time."

"I can only aspire to such greatness," she said, leaning down for a soft kiss. "I love you, Yang."

The blonde hardly breathed for a moment, burying her face in the woman's shoulder. "I love you too, Winter."

Slowly, they separated and prepared for bed, rote motions soothing her somewhat. The routine helped but in the back of her mind she had the same snatches of sentences running through, over and over. Even when she crawled into bed, lying on her right side and acutely aware of Winter wrapping an arm around her waist and pressing a kiss against her shoulder, she could hear them repeating on an endless loop.

You can't keep doing this. She deserves better than this. You know what you have to do.

"Good night, Sundrop. I love you."

"Night, Snowdrift." She murmured. "Love ya too."

When the lights cut out, she tried to will herself asleep.

She'd need her energy tomorrow.

The sun hadn't risen yet but lilac eyes blurred by tears could see the digital clock on the bedside table reading four thirty in the morning. She couldn't sleep, restless dreams leading into terrible nightmares, and she'd already woken Winter up twice during the night from sudden movements. A few quiet words and a promise to return to slumber were enough for the woman to fall back asleep but Yang couldn't, doing her best to feign it until she could hear the deep, rhythmic breathing behind her.

How many times had this happened? She'd lost count of the excuses, the near misses, but she remembered the nights after, when sleep wouldn't come and she laid awake, counting the hours until the other woman stirred, when she'd plaster on a convincing smile and pretend like she hadn't laid awake the whole time. In the past, they'd always had something that preoccupied them, some form of distraction, but those became fewer and fewer nowadays. Remnant was on the road to recovery and those who had fought so hard to save it could take a step back, focus on more immediate issues. Weiss had the SDC, Blake had the White Fang, Ruby had Beacon, Winter had the Atlesian military, and Yang had Vale, but those things could bend to the natural demands of life. Time off, time to recoup and recover- things that hadn't been readily available in years now could be attained at a simple request.

Which meant... this would happen again. And again and again, and she had started losing hope it'd turn out any differently. For whatever reason, she couldn't just grin and bear it this time around, couldn't shove all her own feelings back for the sake of her partner.

What was wrong with her? She should be able to do this. It wasn't fair to Winter to keep denying her. She had to do something.

Carefully, she reached out for the extra pillow, dragging it closer slowly. Then, she folded it over and started shifting, enough for the other woman to loosen the arm around her waist just enough for her to slip out and replace her body with the pillow. She watched as Winter curled her arm, automatically trying to draw the blonde closer while asleep.

You can't keep hurting her.

Yang reached out, brushing a few locks of alabaster hair out of Winter's face. She looked so peaceful when asleep, the severity from her military posture obliterated, and the blonde couldn't help but bite her lip as tears stung at her eyes.

Despite all her father's words to the contrary, she still acted on her gut and her heart, rarely thinking with her head. Right now, her gut said to confront the issue head on and hope for the best outcome. But as her gaze fell to the stump of her right arm, she had to admit that following her gut hadn't gotten her the best outcome in the past. Sometimes, everything worked out well enough, but others...

No matter what, you're going to hurt her. You're nothing but trouble. You've always been broken like this.

The tears started to fall as she made her decision, opting for one path out of many. It seemed antithetical to everything she'd ever done, everything she stood for... so maybe, this time, the outcome would be better.

Yang watched for a few more minutes before easing herself off the bed and reattaching the arm, biting down on the quiet grunt that accompanied the anchor powering it up. Quietly, she set about getting dressed in the dark, using only the light of the shattered moon overhead to light the way. It didn't seem like it would be enough, to some degree, but the darkness outside couldn't be any darker than the thoughts plaguing her mind.

Like mother like daughter, leaving in the dead of night like this. What happened to being better than that?

A snarl curled her lips as she passed over some things in favor of others. Leaving the monogrammed shell belt that was a birthday present from Winter in favor of the old beaten one she used to wear, grabbing her old orange scarf but leaving the anniversary present of a citrine necklace, her old leather jacket instead of the new one she got when they went shopping a few months back- she wanted to take them but it would just hurt. She wouldn't be the only one with a dagger in her heart with every glance at them, of course, but... she'd learned a long time ago that sadness and anger were often the same things. Just expressed differently.

After Raven left, Dad found Summer. Snowdr- Winter, she won't waste time being sad. She'll get angry, she'll get over me, and then she'll find her own Summer.

That's what she tried to tell herself, anyway. She only half believed it. Winter probably would be distraught and miss her for a while... but a woman like her could have anyone in Remnant. Eventually, she’d find someone who wasn’t a broken mess, someone better, someone who could make her happy. After mentally berating herself a bit more for her own cowardice, she grabbed her go bag and another duffel and started filling it with just the essentials: Ember Celica's entire kit, her wallet and a few extra changes of clothes, her scroll and such. When she zipped it up, she heard movement coming from the bed and froze, crouched down by the bags.

Don't wake up. Don't wake up. Don't wak-

"Yang?" The sleepiness in her voice quickly gave way to a sort of panicked concern. "Yang?" She bit her lip, trying to arrange the words in her head as bed springs creaked and the bedside lamp flicked on, chasing away the darkness. "Yang, what are you doing?"

"I'm leaving," she said, slowly standing up with the strap in her hand, ducking her head under it so it rested on her left shoulder.

"Did you get a Huntress assignment?" The sheets ruffled as the woman got out of bed. "Is it a long one?"

"No." She grabbed her go bag in her left hand, swallowing thickly. "It's nothing like that."

"Then what's going on?" Soft footfalls came up behind her, a light touch to her right shoulder. "Yang?"

Tell her the truth. You should've told her a long time ago. You did this.

"It's... it's over." Marshaling her courage, she turned around and looked at Winter, doing everything in her power to remain straight faced as possible. "We can't be together anymore."

Shock splayed across the woman's expression, blue eyes wide. "... what?"

"It's for the best." Yang did her best to stay strong and gripped the strap cutting across her chest to keep her hand from shaking. "You should know it's not you. You've been... more than I deserve-"

"Don't say that," the woman said, an edge of severity in her tone. "That's not- what brought this on?" She reached out, setting her hands on the blonde's shoulders. "Whatever it is, we can talk it out-"

"We really can't." She took a slow step back, drawing away from the woman's touch. "But it's not you. It's me and I- I should've told you before. I've let this go on too long." Tears came to her eyes and she blinked, trying to force them back. "I'm sorry, Winter. It's over."

"Yang, please, just tell me what's going on. I don't understand." She raised her arms again but Yang stepped back again, knowing that contact between them would break down her resolve. "Sundrop-"

"Please, stop." She turned her away, heading for the dresser where her motorcycle keys sat. "It's just done. We're through."

"Can you tell me why?" The question came out soft but it brought her to a dead halt before she could pick them up. "Do I get that, at least?"

Yang's prosthetic fingers shook- a rare malfunction due to the overwhelming sensory data. She wanted to turn around and beg for forgiveness, explain everything, but she could already see in her mind's eye- the outrage, the fury, the disgust. So, she remained silent, the minutes ticking by slowly as the barest hints of sunrise touched the horizon.

"I see... very well." She could hear the warble in the woman's voice; Winter was doing everything in her power to keep from crying. She always had a rather impressive amount of control over her own emotions, sometimes to a maddening degree, but that cold persona had fallen away piece by piece over the months they'd spent together and it killed the blonde to hear both, the desperate clinging to that old mask and the obvious cracks from not wearing it for so long. "I suppose this means we... won't be having dinner this Friday."

She cringed, remembering that date they'd set up a three weeks ago at a fancy restaurant downtown. Yang didn't really do the whole 'dress code enforced' type of place, but the woman came from that sort of social circle and occasionally liked to indulge, and damnit if she didn't cut a figure in her suits. The blonde had acquiesced to every request for formal events because Winter asked so infrequently and she'd even been looking forward to this one. "Yeah."

Grabbing the keys, she winced at how the clinking of metal against metal seemed to echo in the bedroom. A few more steps and she'd be out into the hallway, then the living room, then the doorstep- it seemed like a simple progression of events but her body felt like lead.

"Will I see you again?" The note of desperation in the woman's tone tore at her heart, forcing to bite her lip to keep silent until she could give the right answer. "I understand that... sometimes, people need space. Time to think, alone. We could... be on break, until you feel ready to return."

Yang took in a deep breath and looked up towards the ceiling, willing herself not to cry. The whole point of sneaking out was to have a clean break, no contact. Weiss would be furious with her but Blake would understand. Hell, she might even find it ironic that Yang was taking a page out of her own book, but... well... it seemed to work for her, and Raven, and everyone else who ran away. "No. This is goodbye, Winter." She swallowed thickly, doing her best to sound like she actually wanted to be saying the words. "That's final."

In the silence that followed, she swore she could hear Winter's heart breaking and it killed her on the inside to be the cause.

"Right. Of course. In that case... forgive me for this." She moved away and it prompted Yang to turn around, eyebrows furrowing as the woman reached up and opened a shadow box hanging on the wall. Within, every medal and decoration she'd earned during her service in the Atlesian military stood, the coins slotted into grooves while the medals were pinned to the backing, and she moved aside the biggest one in the middle to reveal a little cubby hole cut out of it. Yang had never known that was there- why would she?- but the other woman reached in with practiced ease and withdrew something from the hiding place. "I'd planned on doing this after that dinner... but I suppose it doesn't matter now."

Then she turned around and Yang's breath caught in her throat, keys sliding from her fingers as her shoulders slumped in shock. In her hands was a little black box.

A ring box.

"The past two years have been the only ones I really felt like I lived," Winter said, gaze fixated on the ring box, fingers running over the smooth velvet case. "Before that, it was a slog through battlefields, a constant fight to just see the next day, and before that a cold emptiness that seemed to stretch on forever. I took some comfort in the routine of it all but little pleasure. I thought that's all life was: agonizing nothingness or unrelenting struggle with all too brief moments of happiness in between. Being with you, though, changed that; it opened my eyes to the simple beauty of the world. The calm of a lazy Sunday, the warmth of an embrace, the joy of laughter- I saw glimpses of them before, little moments during the war, but the last two years..." She sighed, a small smile coming to her lips. "Every day's been wonderful. We've had some rough times, some stressful stretches, but I've been able to lean on you when the world felt too overwhelming. You're strong, courageous, with a beautiful heart and a shining soul." Winter paused, chest stuttering as she did her best to hold in a sob. "I truly feel privileged to have met you, to know you, to... to love you."

Tears pricked at her eyes even as matching ones began rolling down the woman's cheeks. This was why she'd tried taking the coward's way out; deep down, some part of her knew it wasn't as easy as a small nuance between 'sad' and mad', no, people weren't so shallow. Well, maybe some were, but not Winter. It was one of the things she loved most about the woman, how much depth could be found in the smallest of gestures.

But this was the right thing to do. No matter how much it hurt, it stood as the best option for both of them.

She wanted the woman to be happy; happier than the blonde could make her. Winter deserved a real, full relationship, and she... she couldn't give that.

"I've found that, the more our lives have become intertwined, the less I wanted them to be separate and distinct. What we've built together... is important to me." She sighed, shaking her head. "There's more- I spent the past three weeks writing this all out. But, in light of the circumstances..."

Winter's expression screwed up and she turned her head away, trying to hide the pain. It hurt- the blonde swallowed down the impulse to go to the woman, to comfort her, because she never wanted to put her through this, she should've broken it off before they got to this point. But she wanted to pretend like things could stay the way they were and never change.

Winter strode towards her, lacking the normal confidence in her steps and seeming unsteady. Once about arm's length away, she got down on one knee and pried open the box, revealing the shining engagement ring within sitting on a bed of velvet. A band of white gold with a diamond set in the middle, rounded edges lending to a flowing design etched into the ring; it looked sturdy enough to survive a punch or two, if need be, and that made her hurt even worse. "I want to say that I am the luckiest woman alive to have had this chance with you... and that hasn't changed." Kneeling there in her pajamas, white hair flowing over her shoulders- she looked beautiful and sincere. "I was going to ask you to be my wife on Friday. I love you, Yang, and I wanted us to be together; we survived a war together, we helped rebuild Remnant together, we've done and seen so much and I wanted to continue it. I wanted to be there for you, in good times and bad, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til..." She slowly closed the ring box. "But if you want to leave... I can't make you stay. I want you to be happy, Yang. I thought I could..." Winter paused and shook her head. "It doesn't matter." She reached out, at first aiming for the blonde's left hand but switching to her right and pressing the ring box into metal fingers. "Please, take this. As a reminder that, no matter what happens, no matter how bad things look... you are loved. Unconditionally. You've inspired that within me and I have no doubt you'll find someone who can do that for you, too. Even if I can't be the one you love, I'll still be here if you need anything." She swallowed thickly, obviously forcing down her own tears. "As a friend." Guided by flesh and blood once, metal fingers were guided to curl around the ring box before they withdrew. Winter looked up at her and smiled- it was a small, fragile thing, but the sentiment remained genuine. "I wish you every happiness, Yang." A single tear slipped out and she quickly looked down to hide her face. "And I'm sorry for whatever I did to lose you."

Lilac eyes fell onto the little box in her right hand. This symbol of undeserved love, given freely.

She should turn and leave right now. It would be the right thing to do. Leave Winter to be consoled by her- likely irate, given the hour- younger sister and begin the healing process.

Once, when she first stepped foot onto Beacon's grounds, she believed herself nigh invincible. Strong. Ridiculously so, and stronger for every hit weathered.

Yang learned the hard way that even she could be knocked down. That she wasn't the strongest person. That strength- real strength- couldn't be counted by any physical measure.

Truthfully, she was rather weak. She had a temper, she threw herself into every endeavor without a thought to the consequences, and even being injured as a result had only slowed her down a little. But most importantly, she cared- cared more about healing another's sorrows than mending her own.

And no matter how much she tried, she would never be like Raven. She couldn’t be.

The go bag fell from limp fingers a moment before her knees hit the ground. The blonde wrapped her arms around the other woman, holding her and rubbing her left hand across her back soothingly even as she nearly choked on her own tears.

"You didn't do anything," she said, trying to at least sound somewhat intelligible. "It's not you, Winter, I swear. I just-" Squeezing her eyes tight, she sobbed, forcing the words from her mouth. "It's me. I can't be what you deserve. I can't do it; I'm so sorry."

"What are you talking about?" Fingers dug into the fabric of her jacket, holding her close, and she relished the embrace even as some part of her screeched that it would just make the parting all the more painful. "You're everything to me-"

"I can't have sex with you!" The words were acid on her tongue, the truth laid bare between them. Only a matter of time remained until the sorrow turned to offense, to anger- eventually, all her good qualities would be obliterated.

That's how it always went.

Slowly, the irregular breathing subsided and Winter pulled back, looking at her in utter confusion. Yang braced herself, holding in her agony and hoping she could at least make it down the stairs before breaking down again after being kicked out.

"Is that what this is about?" Her brows drew together and anger flashed in her eyes. "You're leaving me because you don't want to have sex with me?"

"It's not that I don't want to!" The response came out almost instantly, an automatic reaction, but she quickly corrected herself while wincing. "I mean- yeah, that's- that's true, too, but it's not because of you! I... I don't want to have sex. Not with anyone! Not at all! I just- I can't- I-"

A hand came to her shoulder, bringing her unsteady flood to a halt. "Yang, are you saying you have no interest in sex at all?"

She hung her head and nodded, ashamed. "Yeah. I... I've been like this for years. Before we met. Since... since the first time I..." She hugged her arms around herself. "I should be able to, like all the other times, I should've told you a long time ago, but I can't- I'm sorry, I should-"

"Stop, stop stop stop." Yang found herself pulled forward, the anger she expected absent as she found herself in Winter's embrace once more, fingers carding through her hair. "There's no 'should' about this, Sundrop. You didn't want to and I-" She froze, a realization coming over her. "Oh Maidens, Yang, I'm so sorry. I- I misread everything- I thought you wanted me to-" She pulled back, guiding their gazes to meet and she could see the panic flashing in blue eyes. "I never meant to hurt you, Yang; I should've seen a long time ago that you didn't want to take things that route."

"I... should've told you," she said, a croak in her voice as her gaze darted away. "I was just... everyone else I ever told..."

"I would guess 'reacted negatively' is a vast understatement." Winter cupped her face tenderly, rubbing thumbs along the blonde's cheeks. "They aren't me but that doesn't mean I'm without my faults. I'm so sorry. I should've realized what was going on, or tried addressing it in plain terms rather than going off what I took to be hints."

"But I-" She sobbed. "I should be able to do this for you."

"That's not how love works, Yang." The woman leaned forward, resting their foreheads together even as Yang tried to bring her sniffling under control. "It's a compromise, give and take, but that's based on what we both want. I don't want to hurt you and this? Trying to force yourself into a situation that makes you so uncomfortable? That's never what I want."

She started crying again because it couldn't be this easy. Maybe- maybe Winter wasn't getting it, maybe she thought she could 'fix' her, because past precedent had taught her never to accept that things could be easy. Beacon and Salem, Summer and Raven, every partner she'd ever had- things just weren't straight forward in her life. "How can you... how can you say that? I can't- I can't change. I've tried, I've tried-"

"You don't have to try, Yang. You can't change this part of yourself and I'm not asking you to do that." Winter wiped away the fresh tears streaming down her face. "How we've been? Let's just continue that. We don't need sex to have a meaningful relationship; the absence of it doesn't detract from the past two years.” She smiled. “I meant what I said, Sundrop. They've been the best of my life and I am truly honored to have spent them beside you. I don't want that to end- I don't want us to end."

"But- now you know." Lilac eyes darted down to the ring box but focused on the black, yellow, and white metal of her prosthetic as old demons came back to stab at her one more time. "You know how broken I am. How can you-"

"Yang Xiao Long," she said, the angry edge back in her voice and expression absolutely livid, in that terrifyingly calm way she'd always carried herself. "What part of the word 'unconditionally' did you fucking miss?" Her hand slide down from the blonde's cheek, over her shoulder and to the anchor, rubbing at the tender skin just above the metal. "You were hurt, yes, and you pulled yourself back together. It took an impressive amount of courage and determination, but you did it. You didn't come away from that experience without your scars but I've never seen you as less for them; they've shown that there's more to you than anyone had ever guessed, and I feel deeply touched to have had the opportunity to see it for myself." Her expression softened into one of pained guilt. "To me, this is no different. It's part of who you are, it's an integral part, and it can't be changed. And I, for one, don't want it to; I don't want you forcing yourself to be someone you're not or do something that you can't purely for my sake. Between us, I should've done more to show you that. I should've ensured you felt safe and secure enough to talk about this. Maybe I couldn't have dispelled the fear entirely, but I should've made it clear that I could never be upset with you for telling me how you feel. I'm sorry; I should've been better."

Yang bit her lip, breath stuttering in her chest as she tried to wrangle her emotions. Aside from being distraught over all the things she'd said and done- trying to leave like it meant nothing, hiding this part of herself, admitting the truth- she could feel the warmth of hope pulsing in her heart. Slowly, she brought the ring box in her hand up, rotating her wrist slowly so she could see the velvet easily in the light filtering in through the window. "So... you're not... angry?"

"I would say I'm frustrated, but it's all directed at myself." The corners of the woman's mouth turned down into a severe frown. "I almost lost the most important person in my life due to my own blindness, over something as petty as sexual gratification. Can you truly blame me for being a little peeved at my own ignorance?"

A short, mirthless chuckle burst from her mouth. "... are you really asking that of the person who nearly walked out on the best thing to ever happen to her over a dumb misunderstanding?"

"Well, when you put it that way." Winter puffed out a laugh, pulling back a little to smile at her.

She found herself returning it, the hope growing that maybe... maybe this would all work out. Some part of her didn't want to push that far- why take away the bright spot so soon after finding it?- but, if things really were falling into place, that unwillingness to potentially ruin everything had landed them in this position in the first place, the two of them kneeling on the ground in their shared apartment at the break of dawn, two bags waiting to be used or unpacked.

Carefully, she raised the ring box, holding it between them and prying open the lid. "It's beautiful."

"The band expands into an adjustable necklace. Your sister helped design it," she said, sounding as if she was holding her breath. "I wouldn't want to inhibit your combat style."

"Thoughtful." Taking a deep breath to steel her nerves, she looked into Winter's eyes. "You never actually asked me, ya know."

"That's true." Without removing the box from her metal fingers, the woman moved her own hands to cup Yang's, presenting the box where it rested. "Yang Xiao Long. You are the love of my life, the light that guides me home, my sanctuary, and I know that one more day with you by my side is worth more than even the most blissful sex capable by any human or faunus in Remnant. I say these words with the full understanding that all I'm asking of you is to continue as we have, walking this path together." She smiled then and it become so obvious that not even the staunchest of the little voices in the blonde's head could deny the honesty shining bright in the woman's expression. "Will you marry me?"

Moving her left hand to cover one of Winter's, she offered a watery smile first, followed by her words.

"Yes," she replied, not at all surprised by the kiss that followed.

How quickly it broke off, however, did surprise her. "Wait, was that okay?"

"Huh?" Yang couldn't help but blink, a little bit surprised but mostly confused.

"Well, you've made it clear that sex is off the table." Her girlfr- fiance narrowed her eyes slightly in suspicion. "Is there anything else you've been doing for my sake?"

Then it clicked. "I still like kissing. I mean- I've always liked kissing." Curling her lips into a smile, she wrapped her arms around Winter's shoulders to bring her closer. "Cuddling, too. For the record."

Relief flashed across the woman's expression as she leaned forward, hands splaying across the blonde's back and rubbing in soft, smooth circles. "That's good to hear. But we're going to have to establish something to make sure I don't cross any more boundaries."

"What, like a safe word?" A little teasing came to her voice as she giggled. "It's supposed to be something really out there, ya know, like something you wouldn't say every day. Like-"

"Okay, hold that thought, Little Miss Jokes." A finger came up to rest on her lips. "I'm being serious. I'm not making another mistake like this."

She couldn't help but smile wide. "I can always appreciate the dedication of a Schnee." Yang quirked an eyebrow. "Among other things."

"It never fails to surprise me how quickly you bounce back."

"It's one of my-" Any smart remark about to leave her mouth became irrelevant, the yawn that took precedence stretching her mouth wide. Suddenly, all the turmoil of the past several hours slammed into her with force, and her fitful sleep hadn't given her much energy to run on anyway. "Uh, sorry."

Winter looked over at the window, noting the faint light streaking through and smiling. "Why don't you change into something a little more comfortable while I draw the curtains? We can continue this conversation after you take a nap."

"Ah, I'm fine." She waved off the other woman's concern. "Don't you have a meeting or something in a few hours?"

A single brow arched before her fiance got to her feet, walking over to the bedside table where her scroll sat on the charger. After a rapid succession of taps without even picking the device up, she hummed and flashed a small smile at Yang. "What meeting?"

"Weiss is gonna be pissed," the blonde said, standing up and moving the bag off her shoulder, letting it drop to be dealt with later. "It took her three months to convince you to go to that."

"I simply told her I'm not feeling well and I don't plan on leaving the bed outside of necessities until tomorrow. She's pushed the meeting back a day; hardly an inconvenience we don't regularly plan for anyway." Without waiting for any further response from her scroll, Winter set about closing the curtains around the room while she changed back into her sleep wear. "Although she's extremely focused on turning the SDC around, she's nothing like our father; her family means more to her than prestige ever will."

"So you exploit that by telling a little white lie?" Yang stumbled over to the bedside, plopping down with a relieved sigh. When she'd pulled herself from it an hour ago, she thought it might be the last time she ever shared a bed with anyone- because if she couldn't have someone like Winter, why bother trying? Lilac eyes fell on the ring box, still clutched in her hand, as she reached up to release her prosthetic from the anchor. "If she ever finds out-"

"I'm not lying." She felt the bed depress behind her, the shuffling of fabric preceding the other woman pressing against her back, arms wrapping loosely around her waist. "Our relationship is one of my priorities and Weiss well knows that. Until we've talked everything through, I won't feel comfortable leaving your side. And you need your rest. I can't imagine the stress you've put yourself through in the past day to be healthy by any stretch of the imagination." The soft kiss pressed just behind her ear seemed more tentative than usual. "I won't feel well until we've hashed things out. I plan on us staying in this bed as much as possible until you're well rested. Not a lie in sight."

With a smile tugging at her lips- while her resiliency might continually surprise her fiance, Winter's sneaky wordplay always got her- she detached her prosthetic, still clutching the ring box, and set it on the bedside table. "What are we going to do about Friday?"

"What do you want to do?" She laid her left over the arms around her waist, idly rubbing her fingers in small circles across smooth skin. "I can cancel the reservations and we can instead enjoy a nice, lazy night cuddled up on the couch. Or, we could go anyway and just have a nice, fancy dinner together. Or..." Yang tilted her head slightly, indicating she wanted to hear more. "Or, I can proceed with what I originally planned. A romantic meal, a heartfelt proposal, doves taking flight in the background."

The blonde's nose scrunched up. "You'd never use doves; you'll summon a flock of the little Nevermores."

A kiss against her shoulder. "You know me too well. Weiss thought it would be overkill."

"Well, tell you what. Since you already know my answer..." Yang turned, enough to draw the other woman into a tender kiss. "Go for broke- and I don't mean that literally. As much overkill as you want- go nuts." At the questioning look she received, the blonde chuckled. "Look, we both know we've been keeping little parts of ourselves hidden. Hasn't done us much good, has it?" She moved her hand, following the arm around her waist until she could lace their fingers together. "So let's show all of ourselves from now on, yeah? I know, somewhere deep down, you've got the heart of a true romantic. Let it shine."

"The part of me that's loved you since the very beginning is absolutely ecstatic about that." Winter frowned slightly. "But the military has taught me to be suspicious when I'm encouraged to make the first move."

"Yes, Snowdrift, you've ferreted out my secret plan." She leaned closer, lowering her voice while smirking. "I'm luring you into an ambush of love. All's fair, right?" Though her fiance rolled her eyes at the joke, they both laughed until she was tugged back to lie down in the bed proper. The other woman pulled the covers up to her elbow even as her eyes drifted closed, all her energy fleeing her in that moment. Had the thought not snuck to the forefront of her mind in that very moment, she would've dropped into unconsciousness right then, but it niggled, writhing around in her head. Finally, she figured out why, forcing her eyes open and rolling onto her back. "Winter?"

"Hmmm?" Laying on her right side with her head popped up, the other woman seemed genuinely concerned. "What's wrong, Yang? Is it too hot?" A brief pause. "Nevermind, you're never too hot. Perhaps-"

"Why aren't you holding me?" Lilac eyes pointedly fell on the space between them. It seemed they did, in fact, have some things to talk about once she took a nap.

While Winter would never admit to it, she had her tells. The brief tightening around her eyes, the twitch at her mouth- she'd hoped she was doing the right thing and felt a moment of doubt. "I... thought that... well... this is a bed and..."

"Most people sleep in beds, that doesn't make them sexual," she said, turning onto her side. Unfortunately, that meant her left arm was now against the mattress, which made reaching out a bit more difficult, but when she moved her right arm, her fiance understood, shuffling closer and wrapping an arm around her waist, high enough that her stump could rest on Winter's bicep. "We've been falling asleep in each other's arms for almost a year and a half. That's another thing I really like." A little chuckle passed her lips. "I guess I should've known you'd overreact."

"I am not overreacting." There was no severity to her voice, a ghost of a smile coming to her lips as the blonde gave her a challenging look. Carefully, Winter reached up and ran lithe fingers through blonde locks, nails scratching against her scalp- a still unfamiliar but pleasant sensation. "I almost lost you once through inattentiveness on my part. I'll not run that risk again." Something sparked deep in her eyes and she quickly rolled over, reaching for her scroll. "As a matter of fact, I'm going to do research."

"Research?" She yawned again, cutting off the obvious follow-up question.

"There have to be others with experiences similar to yours." The blonde could hear the typing, clicking of keys in absence of fingernails against the screen. "I'm sure a bit of digging will-" Winter paused, making a soft noise in the back of her throat after a few more taps. "Yang, have you ever heard the term 'asexual' before?"

"Yeah. Isn't that, like, a biology thing for single something organisms?"

"It's also an actual sexuality." Furrowing her brows, Yang looked over, prompting her to continue. "Listen to this: a person who has no sexual feelings or desires. An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction." The woman looked away from her scroll. "Does that sound... well, accurate?" Almost dumbly, she nodded, allowing her fiance to continue reading aloud. "Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who someone is. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community-"

She shifted, looking at the screen herself. "C-community? Did I hear that right?"

"You did, Sundrop." Winter's voice, soft in her ear, put into words something she'd hardly been able to think herself. "You're not alone; you're not broken. You just didn't know."

Impulsively, she made a grab for the scroll and her fiance let her, reading over her head as lilac eyes darted across the words while she sat up, pouring over the information. "I... have a flag?" She tilted the screen. "Look."

"I see. I think it's rather fetching," she replied, a smile on her lips. "I'm sure it comes in pins and patches, perhaps for your jacket?"

"Yeah... that sounds... really nice." Tears came to her eyes again but, for the first time in a while, they were the sort of overwhelming, happy type that she didn't bother holding back.

All this pain... and I just didn't know.

Yang tapped on the next page, and the next, drinking in the information like she'd been lost in a desert for years. It wasn't too far off from the truth. She'd delved into the fourth subpage went Winter pulled the scroll from her fingers, silencing any protest with a look.

"I promise, everything will be there when you wake up, but you need sleep right now." She set the scroll down, out of sight, and coaxed Yang to lay back down. "I'll even bookmark the pages. We can read through them together later, okay?"

"Okay." The agreement came with only a little reluctance, and if she hadn't felt the urge to yawn locking up her jaw she might've argued, but the woman had a point. "As soon as I wake up, we're going to have a long talk about all this." Yang scooted closer, tucking her head beneath her fiance's. "I can't believe I never thought to search for it. I- I thought it was just a phase, and then-"

"It's in the past, Sundrop." Although the blonde could feel how briefly it occurred, it still tugged her lips into a frown to feel the momentary shock that went through Winter's body, as if had to debate whether or not to move before settling against her.

"Still, I don't want you walking on eggshells around me." She moved forward just a bit more, burying her head in her fiance's chest. "You've done everything in your power to be the best partner anyone could ever ask for and I'm sorry for not telling you sooner."

Lips pressed against the top of her head. "Hush, now. Enough of that. We can't change the past, but we can look towards the future with hope."

"Speaking of that, the future I mean..." Her words were becoming a touch slurred as sleep called to her, the familiar presence of the woman's body lulling her to slumber more effectively than any lullaby. "How are you gonna... well... any thoughts on scratching the itch when it comes?"

"I realize it might come as a shock to you, but there's these wonderful inventions called 'vibrators', Yang."

The unexpected bluntness of the answer sent the blonde into a laughing fit and, when she looked up, she saw nothing but proud amusement reflecting in blue eyes.

In that moment, she knew they'd be alright.

"I love you, Snowdrift."

"I love you, too, Sundrop." Winter's mirth faded into a soft, happy smile. "Now, get some sleep."

Settling back down, Yang allowed her eyes to fall closed and fell asleep quickly, wrapped up in a loving embrace and thanking every lucky star she had that she hadn't made the biggest mistake of her life in the past twenty four hours. No doubt there would be trials ahead, and mistakes and misunderstandings and the like, but those would've come regardless. At least she could be secure in the knowledge that her future wife took them very seriously and would do her level best to be understanding, just as she needed to be patient.

After all... isn't that love?

#Elderburn #ace!Yang AU #TRR writes

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howellrichard · 5 years ago

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My Key to Success: A Simple System for Creating a Happy Life You Love

Hiya Gorgeous!

How you mentally start your day is as important as what you eat, your self-care practices and how you show up in the world. In fact, when you start your day feeling stressed out and scattered, you’re more likely attract unwanted chaos in your life. Before you know it, you’re anxious about the news, you’ve argued with your spouse, cut someone off in traffic and sent a regrettable email to a coworker—all before 9 a.m.!

…Or is that just me?

But when you ground your day in a positive and powerful way, everything flows with ease. You feel happier and are a heck of a lot more productive, without creating any energetic shrapnel!

The more I live this way, the better I feel—and I want that for you, too. So, today I’m sharing the system I designed to create a joyful life you love.

This method was born out of my own journaling practice, one that I’ve fine-tuned over decades. It’s called the Success Mindset Practice and I believe it’s been my key to success (and happiness)—both personally and professionally.

As you know, your beliefs and emotions have the power to transform your life. When you’re in a positive state of mind, elevating your energy and directing it towards your highest potential, you’re more likely to achieve your desires (success!).

You proactively shape your days to align with how you want to feel and who you want to be. From this space, your intuition flows freely, decisions are easier to make and healthy relationships are more likely to flourish. But it doesn’t stop there, the better you feel, the more joy and abundance you attract and create in your life. It’s a powerful energetic cycle.

The Practice That’s Been My Key to Success in Life, Business, Love and Everything in Between!

In order to experience this positive flow that shapes your life, I’ve found that it’s essential to focus on four areas every day: your feelings, gratitude, intention and affirmations. These areas make up the Success Mindset Practice.

First, let’s step through each of them so you understand their importance on a deeper level. Then, we’ll dive into how you can implement this practice and turn it into your own key to success in life.

1. Touch base with your true feelings.

While I’m often excited to dig into the day, I’m a much better leader, wife, friend, patient, speaker, teacher, etc. when I connect with myself first. By simply taking a few minutes to journal about how I’m honestly feeling, I tap into my heart. I also clear any negative air, if needed. From that space, I can direct my energy wherever it needs to go.

When I don’t take time to connect, I’m often scattered, irritated and just off-center… which means I’m more likely to overextend myself and lose touch with my inner joy and wisdom. Once that happens, I’m already in energy deficit and struggling in recovery mode. Sound familiar?

Connecting with your feelings first not only allows you to find refuge in your own company, it helps you tend to your inner life so you can polish your energy and in turn, lead with confidence. You’re less likely to second guess yourself and more likely to trust your gut wisdom. You’re also better equipped to delegate or help someone troubleshoot their own issues, rather than taking them on yourself. If you’re a people pleaser like me (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing), that means that you can stop being the manager of the universe and start putting your own oxygen mask on first!

2. Practice gratitude for what’s already amazing in your precious life.

There are so many things I want to do in my life—experiences I want to have, successes I want to celebrate with fine organic champagne, love I want to share and worries I want to release. But when I just focus on my wants, without acknowledging the abundance I’m already so graced with, my cup looks pretty dinky rather than full—aka deficit mode.

Gratitude offers a life-altering (and sobering!) perspective. It helps you relish in what’s already so good and delicious in your life. Plus, the more you count your blessings (small, big and everything in-between), the more blessings you receive. And let’s not forget the many health benefits associated with stress and anxiety reduction, which often come along with appreciation! Your doctor will be very pleased.

3. Channel your intentions and see yourself leading from your power source.

Thank you, Oprah, for teaching us about the power of intention many moons ago. I remember how empowering it felt to realize that I don’t have to get tossed around on the sea of life (and neither do you!).

Whether we’re aware of it or not, intentions are the conscious and unconscious motivations behind your every action (and the outcomes they create—good and stinky).

Each and every day, you have the ability to channel your energy towards the joyful life you desire.

As one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Gary Zukav says, “You create your reality with intentions.” That means that your intentions shape the energy that flows from and to you. With that in mind, it’s important to set intentions that reflect the results you want to experience and serve the highest good for all.

4. Affirm the magic you want to make.

In the most basic sense, affirmations are statements about who you want to be and what you want to manifest in your life. But it goes deeper than that. One of my cherished mentors, Louise Hay, taught that affirmations are everything you say and think. Because you’re an active participant in creating your reality, your words are more powerful than you think.

Affirm the magic you want to make! Decide what you want to affirm and what you don’t.

Here are some examples: I love and accept myself. It’s safe to stand out. I am prosperous. And one of Louise’s favorites: All is well. Think of your affirmation practice like planting seeds for your future success. Write them in the present tense (as if they’re already true) and repeat them as often as you like.

So now that you know the core components of the practice, let’s put it all together so you can get started. It’s really simple. You just fill out four prompts each morning. Take your time, tap into your heart and let your imagination rip! Ready?

The Success Mindset Practice: A Daily Exercise to Help You Create a Happy Life You Love

Write the following questions in your journal and allow your soul to guide the answers.

1. How are you feeling today?

2. What are three things you’re grateful for?

3. What is your intention for today?

4. What is your affirmation for today?

There you have it! Try the Success Mindset Practice for the next 30 days. Take 10-15 minutes each morning to honestly answer these prompts without censoring yourself. Allow the practice to help you align with your joyful nature so you can feel better, do better and co-create magic—day after day!

Starting my day with this practice truly is the secret to my success. It’s my joy compass. Whenever I feel lost, I find my way home to it. Whenever I want to feel even better, I lean on it more. My guess is that it will help you feel as connected, grounded and happy as I often do.

At the end of our lives, all we have are our memories. The goal is to string as many magnificent days together as possible. Are you with me? Fantastic! You’re about to discover your own key to success—body, mind, spirit (and even your bank account, ka-ching!).

Your turn: Will you try out the Success Mindset Practice (hint: say YES!

). Let me know in the comments below so we can cheer each other on!

Peace & stepping into your power,

The post My Key to Success: A Simple System for Creating a Happy Life You Love appeared first on KrisCarr.com.

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xflower-childx · 5 years ago

Audio

I see myself only really having two books of life, Ohio and Florida. Both having an excessive amount of chapters, A LOT of character development, and a revolving door of supporting roles. Florida’s book is slowly coming to an end and it’s been rather eventful. While the whole book has been a trip the past year or so I’ve noticed have been such intense growth and preparation for the next book. I’ve discovered inner peace and loving myself, speaking up when I deserve better or want something. I’ve discovered my worth.

I met a lovely lady, D, I’ve found myself connecting with her on a different level, shes my moms age but she comes from a small tow, religious home and lifestyle. She always felt crazy because she had these extra feelings, she felt things more passionately than others and could feed of other energy around her she saw signs and other stuff. It all affected her growing up with how crazy she felt. I know that feeling for sure. I’ve always felt crazy for all my extra feelings, connections, fucking car accidents. She is who honestly stirred the start of the new book. After group meditation at the wellness center she owns while we were all just openly sharing about life she spoke of just up and moving out of her small hometown from her ex husband and adult son (Who she asked me to show around when he moves here before I leave 😏🙃). When I spoke up on how I always wanted to move and I’ve been working on conquering fears and not allowing high anxiety run me; she brought up control and how it seemed like I struggled with needing to have it to feel safe. Yeah. That’s true. That sat with me HARD. The next day was the work meeting that would change my life. K and A said that BB will be closing in a month. I knew we were struggling but I didn’t realize how bad. I also knew all the shit with the partnership. A had looked at me curiously during the meeting and said “You promised me and yourself that this was your last job in Florida. What are you going to do?” I laughed and jokingly said “Looks like I’m moving to North Carolina.” But as everyone else started to speak on what’s next it settled in my head. Why not? Why not just move? Why not let go of control and start new? All I have is my little Alien and myself so what’s stopping me? D did it, why can’t I?

On my drive home it weighed in my head so heavily. I didn’t feel as much sadness for BB closing as I felt excitement over the thought of moving. I had so many thoughts running through my head in that drive. I had to get them out, I needed to hear that I wasn’t crazy for thinking this was possible, that I could do it, that this push off the cliff was to see if everything I’ve learned was to teach me how to fly and I needed to hear from someone else that I would soar and see all new heights. I knew I wasn’t going to hear it from my mom though because she would only put fear and anxiety into me (I swear she is who I’ve developed a lot of my anxiety from). I knew my sister would encourage it but also add anxiety, and talk about how I would be leaving her and apparently ‘Living her dream’. I knew who would give me what I wanted though. He was default for a while and I knew he would say what I wanted to hear because I knew he had faith I could do it. He always did. He always pushed me to. So I selfishly messaged him, going against the other part of my brain saying not to open that damn door.

Of course I was right. He said what I needed to hear. He has been one of the only people to see me function outside of family and a family run environment. He knows a side of me that they don’t know. The side that I wanted to grow and develop, one that started from him being in my life… And ohhh boy it grew from him leaving.. and I fucking love this side. She’s still got some growing of course but I’m proud of her. She’s stronger than I ever saw possible and she’s beautiful and happy and she’s not letting anyone stop her from going for what she wants… In a non-controlling way though. 😂

I look at this new book coming up though and I know it’s a fresh start and I don’t want anything bad holding me back from living it. I want to shed the old snake skin and start new. I’ve been shedding some old already, but there is a piece that is still part of this skin that is fraying. Skin that I find too hard to shed. I want to take him with me because ultimately he’s someone I hold close but he hurts. He hurts a lot. Ever since the start I had always felt like second best even though I played a number one role in his life. Even when he had his other girl a few hours away I was second although I felt like I was going to third. I was able to almost mute that feeling when we were in each other’s lives though because we were always around each other and I continued to play the role of number one. I was always a place filler and I knew that deep down. He was never able to really let go of his ex and I don’t know if he ever will. I always tried to become better to get his attention but he would just look through me and remind me that he never had any passion for me and everything between us was in my head. I would just defend him in some way though and continue to try and be there because yeah I wanted to be. I loved our days and time together. I truly was happy and there are so many moments that still make me smile. There are moments where I could see it in his eyes that he did adore me; I knew that it would disappear though as quickly as it came. I would stare an extra moment to try and hold onto it to remember it for when I needed to convince myself later that it all wasn’t built up in my head.

I was always there. Even when I wasn’t. Even now when I try and push him away because no matter what I will always feel like I’m not enough for him. Not as a partner because I already know that but even as a friend. He’s never really spoken otherwise. Anyone can say 'Thanks for being there’ but those that really appreciate it will put into words their gratitude. Especially when the other has spoken of needing it because they don’t feel love and appreciation.

I understand now why I had such high anxiety in CO. Foreign place plus just feeling like I didn’t belong- because I didn’t. Along with R2 showing off being favorite person. God she knew it and rubbed it in. I actually wonder if they realize she has feelings for him? I mean honestly the jealousy and just all around energy of the whole trip was HEAVY and some of the stuff she said… I could be wrong but I’ve learned to trust my instincts by now 😂. For a minute it crossed my mind if they’d slept together but I observed their interactions and feel as no they didn’t; but again I could be wrong... Instincts though. My ability to read people and having amazing observation skills is such a blessing and a curse 🤦. Also being an empath doesn’t help. I felt everyone’s mood and energy and it just weighed on me and made me feel like I was drowning. I lost myself entirely that trip and I felt so scared and raw. I had nothing and no one to hang onto and the pain that I felt by R not giving a fuck hurt even more. He spoke words that made me want to pack up and get on a plane in that moment because I felt so unwanted and broken there. The ability to take love from someone when its needed during life changing experiences but say 'Fuck you grow up and deal with it’ when that person who gave it is crying asking for love and comfort back is beyond me. Especially to allow them to walk away to an Uber by themselves when again you know how much they hurt and how high their anxiety already is. I really don’t think he knows how much I’ve looked back on that exact moment and felt pain in my chest. How it hurts to even write still. How selfish I see him from that and little I feel like I matter to him. Ever mattered to him. I even remember asking him with so much fear to ride with me to the airport because I had hopes we could try and mend something on the way but the fear came into knowing he would say no. I wonder if he thinks he was trying to help teach me to take care of myself and not rely on someone else- which mission accomplished I’ve learned- but in probably one of the most cruel and unloving ways possible. The wise words of NF 'If you want love you gone have to give some away’. (Funny how that song came on writing that part.)

I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say this though as I look at every angle of everything and everyone. I know I relied on him too much. I know I put too much trust and love into him (Which whooo more trust issues) and I know he was crushing under the weight of it. I know he is a human and I respect that, and I take the blame for relying on him. I take the blame for not being able to pick myself up under the weight of everyone’s judgement and energy (Ohhh man the energy after he talked to his friends about me 🤦 90% sure I was just running on fumes and fake positivity at that point to try and get by) instead of reaching out for a hand to help me. I couldn’t find the peace and comfort in myself there and wish I could have. I wish the circumstances were different and I didn’t always feel so… Useless next to him. I don’t think that’s the word I’m really looking for but it will do. I also will claim to putting more into us than he ever asked for, he even tried to stop me from doing. He was still always there though. We still continued on and he had to know I was still giving and he was still taking.

I wish we could have actually talked though after. I wish I heard him apologize at least once sincerely. I wish I heard him care. I wish he wanted to care. I wish I mattered more to him than a hand to hold and guide him out of the dark of his unforgotten ex. I guess that’s what I get for falling for a man not even months out of a relationship. I wish our friendship wasn’t so tainted by the inability to let go of the past on both sides. I miss him, I often ask myself if it’s really the concept of him I miss, which yes I miss that too; a best friend- someone you can go and talk to whenever about whatever and if I had a best friend it would be easier to not miss him. I do though, or maybe I miss who he was when we were at our best; but I guess we never were though. I guess he’s like my S; no we didn’t have this ‘Amazing, passionate, wild, loving blah blah blah toxic, abusive relationship’ and in the end I know our relationship really didn’t matter to him much; but it did to me. It meant more than I guess he can see as it helped shape who I am now. He guided me here and had faith in me when I didn’t feel like anyone did including myself. I’ll always love him (No not in love, I don’t think I could ever work myself up to trust him that way and I don’t see us fitting anymore) like I’m sure he will always love her, I’ll always hope for the best for him and care, but I know I love myself more than him to allow myself to move on from having him in my life because I know our relationship can never change and heal if only one person is fighting for it. The same person who fought the whole time.

If he and I had actually talked though and we both owned up to our faults and reminded each other that we’re important to the other and just genuinely thank the other for the love and care we put into our relationship than I think I would be able to take him with me. I could see our friendship mending and growing with sending silly pictures of new adventures we go on and my alien seeing the world and maybe him coming to visit me there and I him wherever life takes him next. I could see myself starting to trust him again and being able to ask for advice again. I could see him being able to come to me again and myself giving him pages of messages as I talk my way through the advice to get to a point 😅☹️ But he’s too damn stubborn to talk and I don’t even know if he sees fault in his actions and words. I love him and if I could openly say anything to him it’s that I hope he’s happy. I hope he can finally let her go and allow himself to love again because he will always find faults and pain in potential love if he keeps holding onto her and he will only put pain on future love interests. I know he NEVER meant any harm on me and I know he warned me and I know he tried and was doing the best he could with what he had and understood at the time when he lived here. When it comes to after… I have nothing left to say but pain.

I love him but I love myself more. I love myself enough to know that I don’t deserve to feel pain from someone I gave nothing but love, care, patience and understanding to. Someone that any moment they needed it I was ready to encourage them and push them forward. Someone I had-have- nothing but faith and belief in. Someone I genuinely cared-care- about. Someone who was ready to drop me when my demons appeared and I was at my worst. I know that it doesn’t matter how much I care about him though, I care about myself more. I wish him well, and the best and love but not from me. Not anymore. I can’t ask him to give me words when he doesn’t want to give them because that’s not only unfair to him, its unfair to me because it hurts me. I wish I could share my next journey with him, I wish I could share all my excitement with him and all the crazy things that have happened so far; like getting bit by a dog and some bitch claiming I was stealing money from work. and the things that could possibly happen next. I wish he asked and I believed he really wanted to know; He was my best friend. One of my favorite best friends. One my favorite people and I wish I didn’t have to let him go over fucking stubbornness and screwed up pasts.

I have a new book ahead of me and I’m ready for some blank pages. I’m ready for a fresh start, new friends, new adventures, and a new world. I’m ready to continue to grow and expand my knowledge on life, the world around me and myself. I’m really happy right now- I feel a little lonely while being my own best friend because I don’t really have anyone to talk to about my next story or share my ideas with but it’s alright I guess. I trust that things will fall into place amongst the confusion in my head.

I haven’t shared how scared I am with anyone either. Reality smacked me in the face on my last day last week and I realized how much is about to change and I’m stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m so proud but so so scared. I know I can do it and I know that this is such a great, exciting change but man I’m going completely solo and alone on this besides my alien 🤦

We tough though. We got this. 😊💪

#My writing #may 2019 #yuna #escape

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