#i grew mentally and emotionally so much during the first half of the year working and the final quarter back at school in a new place

[mielgf]

wishing you all comfort, love, and contentment in 2023, whatever that may look like for you ✨❤️ happy new year!!

[chuuyascumsock]

I am NOT a Sadist (I am) || Minors DNI

Summary: Sorry, not sorry. I love when there’s hurt feelings with emotional make-up sex :)

Tags: Chuuya Nakahara/Reader, Female reader, Angst, Mentions Of Depression, Hurt/Comfort, I Totally Projected My Poor Communication Skills Onto The MC, Also Self Sabotaging, But She Gets Better I Swear, I Project A Lot Actually Lmao, Sounds Kind Of Like An Unhealthy Relationship At First But They Fix It, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, They Do Hurt Each Other’s Feelings A Little, Obviously There’s Crying, Pet Names (Baby, Doll, Sweetheart, Sweet Girl, etc.), Mention Of Phone Sex, Handjob, Fingering, Emotional Sex, Make-Up Sex, Creampie, Lowkey Breeding Kink If You Squint, Actually Pretty Vanilla For Once, Pussy Is Chuuya’s Therapy, Classic Missionary, Missionary Accomplished, Why Does No One Talk About Chuuya Going On His Overseas Trips And Leaving His S/O For Months At A Time, I Feel Like It’s Such A Good Angst Idea, My Longest Oneshot Yet Btw At A 5k Wordcount.

The honeymoon phase of your relationship with Chuuya ended quicker than you had anticipated. It felt like a slap in the face in all honesty, unexpecting of what you were really getting into as a normal civilian. Being married to an executive of the port mafia had its many upsides, yet no one really seemed to talk about the downsides and struggles of the mental toll that weighed on your conscience that came with the title as Chuuya’s wife. 

Chuuya had always been there when you needed him, and you were grateful that even with his rough exterior and conflict with opening up emotionally he could empathize with your varying issues and emotional outbursts. You tried not to be emotionally high maintenance for the sake of Chuuya already having so much on his plate, and things had seemed to be going well for the time being. 

Until he went away for his first overseas trip during your marriage. 

It was normal for Chuuya to take overseas trips while you were dating, some lasting a few days to a few weeks at most and during those times you often texted him throughout the day about how much you missed him before calling later on when he was lying exhausted in a hotel room to talk about how both of your days had gone. Of course, it had often led to phone sex, ending with the camera angled against a pillow while your fingers worked in and out of your neglected, needy pussy– your face buried into his pillow and smothering your senses with what was left of his presence in your apartment. And Chuuya would stroke his throbbing length at the sight with languid motions, thumb swiping over his leaking tip as he murmured through the speaker about how he wished he could be there to feel you split open on his cock and fill you up with his cum. And every time he came back from his trips, your relationship seemingly grew stronger from the distance, spending all his free time with you whenever he got the chance. 

And then Mori sent him away on a half year mission to Europe and everything seemed to go to shit. 

It was different when you had been dating as it was for a few days to some weeks at most, but a six-month excursion made your throat clench and your heart ache with saudade. You tried to keep a positive mindset, yet it was harder as each day had passed and Chuuya grew too tired from the days’ events to even call anymore. Messages on his side grew shorter and dull by the end of the third month, only sending a small good morning and good night text with the occasional ‘I love you’.  

Instead of bringing it up or attempting to fix it, you felt a sense of hopelessness and withdrew from him as well, not wanting to burden him with your spamming messages or feelings that could hinder him while dealing with an important mission. You spent the next three months stewing in a depressive state, loneliness eating away at you as you went day to day going to your job and coming back to an empty apartment. You stopped going out with your friends, stopped bothering to take care of yourself– completely ruining your sleeping and eating schedule in the process– leaving you with dark bags under your eyes and slightly paler looking complexion. You had grown so comfortable in Chuuya’s love and had no idea how to handle the situation you were in, fearing of saying something that would upset him. 

When Chuuya had come back, he hadn’t noticed the change in your behavior– too tired himself to see the toll his absence had taken on you. But to you, your straining relationship was apparent, and it only fueled your depression as Chuuya spent less time with you when he got back home than he used to when you were dating. He was either working on other missions given by Mori within the area or spent his free time sleeping. You barely felt as if you were married anymore, your relationship seeming more like roommates who rarely ever interacted every passing day.  

Your deteriorating mental health was beginning to wear your mind and patience thin, leading to a series of outbursts and fights between the two of you. You’d snap at him with an antagonizing start, and he’d finish with a frustrating end, either leaving to cool off or going to sleep on the couch. You could tell it was getting to him because he confronted you one day after he had mentioned that Mori was thinking about sending him on another grueling months-long overseas mission in America and you gave him the cold shoulder, closing yourself off from him. 

“What the hell has been your problem lately, huh? You’ve been acting shitty for the last few weeks and it’s really starting to get on my nerves,” He gripes, crossing his arms over his chest defensively as he leans against the kitchen counter. 

“I don’t have a problem, you’re the one starting things,” You tiredly glare at the words in your novel, wanting to read and forget everything falling apart around you, but it’s hard when Chuuya persists.  

Chuuya scoffs, “Bullshit, you have this nasty attitude and it's been bothering the hell out of me– so what the hell is your problem?” He repeats, his eyes burning holes into the side of your apathetic expression from across the room.  

“Good thing you won’t have to deal with it for long, huh?” You respond flatly, avoiding his question once again. You and Chuuya have always had an issue with things like this due to him being blunt when he was upset about something while you tended to dance around it and drawl the problem on longer than it had to be than if you were to talk about your problems from the start. 

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” His jaw sets, teeth clenching behind his scowl, “You know it annoys the hell out of me when you say cryptic shit like that— answer my question.” Chuuya’s temper was something no one enjoyed testing and you once feared setting him off, but now you couldn’t find it in you to care whether he blew up on you or not. 

“Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your next mission?” You’re metaphorically poking more than just a bear at this point; this is an entire fucking lion you’re sticking your hand into the mouth of– waiting for it to rip you apart. 

Chuuya’s steps are heavy as he approaches you with a stern glare, “I’m not leaving until you tell me, I’m tired of these games, [name].”  

His words make you snort bitterly as you mock, “Yeah, okay– like you’re not just Mori’s lapdog– at his every beck and call.” You know he’d leave the minute Mori sent a text or called asking where he was. 

Chuuya’s face contorts in mild surprise and slight hurt at your words, not expecting you to stoop so low as to refer to him as a lapdog for Mori. “I really don’t know why the fuck you’re acting like this, but it’s seriously pissin’ me off. Can you just tell me what I supposedly did wrong to make you treat me like this? Because last time I checked, I didn’t fuckin’ do anything,” His statement was ironic in the sense that him not doing anything was the problem.  

Your nostrils flare with a deep exhale in spiteful amusement, though nothing was amusing about it, because you knew you were going to regret everything you said after the fight was over.  

“Of course, you didn’t,” There’s clear sarcasm in your tone, your hands now messing with the pages of your novel mindlessly. 

“Why won’t you just talk to me!? I can’t read your mind– how can I fix a problem when you won’t tell me what I did wrong?” He starts to raise his voice in frustration. You can see his fists clenching from the corners of your eyes. 

You only remove yourself further emotionally by shutting down completely. It was common for you to go completely non-verbal in any argument, the stress of the conflict physically affecting you in ways that kept you from speaking– like your throat tightening and tongue growing heavy in your mouth. This was another issue between you and Chuuya as he was the type to raise his voice whilst arguing to make himself and his feelings known, the complete opposite of yourself. 

An inkling of doubt buries in your chest as you begin to think that maybe you’re not as compatible with Chuuya as you thought you were. 

Chuuya notices your silence and he feels his impatience growing, his foot starting to tap against the floor with agitation as his hands fall to rest on his hips, “God dammit, [name], can you just tell me? I’m not in the mood to play detective and try to figure out why you’re playing your fucking games, I have shit to do.” 

You find it in you to respond, though it’s weak and filled with animosity, “You always have shit to do.” 

An exasperated sigh leaves Chuuya as he stands in front of you, “Is that what this is about? Because I have work? A job? Believe it or not, the mafia isn’t as lenient as to give me a day off, sweetheart,” He says sarcastically, throwing his hands up for emphasis. “Sorry that I have to serve an organization that will literally have my head if god forbid, I even thought about leaving!” 

“You don’t even spend time with me anymore when you do have time off,” You rasp, your eyes set on the crumbling pages underneath your fingertips. 

“I’m exhausted because I’m constantly working my ass off! Sorry that I can’t do fuck whatever and whenever like you can! Unlike you, I actually work for the things I want instead of sitting around and waiting for it to just fall into my lap!” Your brows furrow at his words, knowing it’s utter bullshit. But it still gets under your skin. 

You could easily quit your job and live off of the makings of what Chuuya has— he’s even offered the idea before— but you wanted to keep a sense of independence and to continue to be productive instead of a burden that burns cash. Your conclusion is that it was to get back at your lapdog comment. 

“And you know what? You have nothing to fuckin’ complain about because you get everything you want. Are you just bored? Is that why you’re starting shit? Or is it those friends of yours filling your head with bullshit?” He leans over to your eye level, his hands resting above his knees for support with a firm stare into the side of your face as you refuse to make eye contact with him. 

You were over this. All of it. You were tired of the tension, the fighting, feeling the way you were.  

Which led the next words to slip out from your mouth without a second thought, “I want a break.” 

Chuuya’s scowl quickly shifted to a look of pure bewilderment, to immense hurt and slight panic, then to anger, “A break? You can’t just take a break whenever something doesn’t go your way, that’s not how this works.” 

“I don’t care, I want a break,” It’s getting difficult to talk again as you feel your eyes begin to water. 

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that,” He demands, almost hesitantly. 

It takes minutes for you to finally look into his piercing gray eyes without crying and repeat your words, “I want a break.” 

His body straightens and he brings a hand to rub at his eyes, his other hand on his hip. He seems disappointed and a whole lot of other emotions, but mostly frustrated at this whole ordeal. There’s a deafening silence before he drags his hand down his face and lets it fall to his side, “You want a break? Fine, I’ll tell Mori I’m going on the mission then and be gone by tomorrow morning— you’ll get your break.” He then storms off to finish getting ready for work, leaving you to sit alone on the couch, regretting everything that just happened. 

And even when you still have the chance to stop him from walking out the door and just talk to him, you don’t. Instead, you stare down at the ring on your finger numbly, listening to his heavy footfalls as they move towards the front door and then the slamming that follows when he leaves. 

You soon break down crying after, feeling as if you’ve lost everything. You know you could easily fix it with a simple text of wanting to talk things out, but the self-sabotaging nature in you refused to move a muscle. You cry for hours until your body grows exhausted, and you fall asleep on the couch in a tangled mess of some throw blankets and decorative pillows. 

Hours later, Chuuya enters your shared apartment quietly, taking his hat off as he runs a hand through his hair. He’s tired just as much as you are with how things are going in your relationship, and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s lost and trying so desperately to figure out how to fix it, but he can’t when you won’t tell him what the problem is. He knows you struggle deep down with telling others about how you feel, and it makes him feel hopeless at times when you won’t even tell him how you feel. 

His eyes trail over the living room before they fall on you and the blankets your body is buried under, your sleeping face peeking through. Chuuya takes light steps over to the couch before crouching in front of you and taking off one of his gloves, his hand slowly reaching out to move a few baby hairs away from your face. His eyes soften when he rubs away the tear stains on your cheeks with his thumb.  

There’s a small ache in his chest from the events and words exchanged earlier, feeling a growing tightness in his throat. He didn’t mean it when he said those things and he knows you didn’t mean what you said. But that doesn’t mean they didn’t hurt any less.  

He begins to feel guilt weighing on his consciousness. He replays all your expressions and words in his mind and starts to think about your reaction to the whole reason the fight started in the first place. It takes a few moments of him silently sitting next to the couch and caressing your face mindlessly until he finally realizes what’s been wrong the whole time. 

When you wake up hours later, you’re no longer on the couch, but placed comfortably in your bed. You rub the crust from your eyes and feel a heavy weight in your chest like a bag of stones when the spot next to you is void of Chuuya. ‘He actually left,’ You thought, but you knew you had no one to blame but yourself— even if you had hoped that he would stay. Now fully awake, you slip out of bed sluggishly and shuffle out your bedroom. 

A faint voice from the living room catches your attention and you notice that it’s the TV. There’s a small spark of hope that flickers in your stomach as you slowly creep into the living room. Relief settles in your heart to see the back of Chuuya’s head peeking from the couch. You make your way around the couch timidly until you’re in Chuuya’s sights. He stares tiredly at the TV before he sees you move into his view from the corner of his eye and looks over to you. 

“I… thought you were going to go on the mission…” You whisper, anxiously twisting and fidgeting with the end of your oversized shirt that slightly hangs off your shoulders. 

“I had Mori get someone else to do it,” Chuuya responds quietly, his eyes traveling your figure from top to bottom before propping an arm on the backrest of the couch as a silent invitation for you to sit next to him. 

As soon as you sit next to him, his arm shifts until his callous hand rests on the nape of your neck, rubbing at your skin in a soothing manner. He pulls you into his side after a few moments and turns his face slightly to press a soft kiss against your hairline.  

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around,” He starts off, sincere in each word as he continues, “Why didn’t you say anything?” It sounds almost rhetorical because you know he knows why on a surface level, but he doesn’t know why.  

You’re silent for a bit before hesitantly answering, “I didn’t want to stress you out by making you feel like you had to constantly tend to me.” 

“You’re my wife, not a burden. No matter how stressed out I am, I don’t want you to ever think that you can’t come to me with your feelings or just to bother me. I know I was gone for a long time, and I shouldn’t’ve become as distant as I had, but–” He sighs out in exasperation, “–Baby, you’ve gotta communicate with me. I don’t wanna fight like this and worry about our marriage. I want us to work out– I need us to work out because…” Chuuya trails off before moving his body to turn towards you and tilt your chin up with his other hand to look you in the eyes. 

“I need you, [name]. You’re my person. Okay?”  

Your chest throbs and aches at his words as his slate gray eyes flicker over your face and then meet your now watering eyes, “You’re my person too, Chuuya. I’m sorry…” You croak out through quivering lips and break down into tears, leaning forward to bury your face into his chest. “M’sorry– didn’t mean anything I said last night– won’t do it again,” You stumble over your words through muffled sobs.  

Chuuya moves his hand from your chin to hold the back of your head, pressing you into his chest as he kisses the top of your head, “I know you didn’t, sweetheart. I didn’t mean what I said either. You know I love you, right?” 

You nod, your small sobs and hiccups muted by his loose tank top as you hug your arms around his torso to pull him to you as close as possible, “I love you too…” 

He pulls you back reluctantly from your embrace and cups your face in his hands, wiping away your tears with his thumbs, “I promise that I’ll make an effort to be a better husband, I don’t want you to feel like that ever again. I shouldn’t have neglected you like that and made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me. That’s the last thing that I want.” 

“I’m gonna do better too, promise,” You sniffle, trying to hold back from anymore tears falling down your face, “Wanna be better for you.” 

“I wanna be better for you too, doll,” He murmurs before his face grows closer to yours to place a soft, innocent kiss against your lips. 

Your hands come to clasp over his own that cup your face and your eyes lull into his fond gaze, “I missed you,” You whisper with longing. 

“I missed you too, baby. It killed me not being able to wake up next to you every morning n’see your pretty face,” He exhales gently, kissing you again. 

Your heart stutters at his words and you reciprocate the kiss, refusing to pull away as quickly as before. When your lashes flutter open, you lean your face into his touch, “I need you, Chuuya,” And it’s clear to him that it wasn’t meant in just an innocent manner.  

“Yeah? Missed me that much, sweet girl?” His nose nudges against yours affectionately before capturing your lips into a sensual kiss. Feeling his lips smother against yours and the ring on his finger to remind you of his undying love and devotion to you only encourages the simmering heat in your chest and lower stomach. And when he mumbles a muffled, “C’mere,” against your lips, you’re quick to climb into his lap and thread a hand into his ginger hair. He hums in amusement at your eagerness and moves his lips to trail pecks along your jaw and down your throat, “Always were so needy f’me and I fuckin’ love it– love everything about you, doll.” He groans under his breath, hands heavily groping at any part of your plush body to keep you against him. 

“Only for you, it’s always been you,” You breathe out with a shaky exhale and Chuuya is unable to hide the small whimper that escapes the back of his throat. 

“Fuck, it’s always been you too, doll. I love you so much it hurts,” He pulls you back down into a desperate and hungry open-mouthed kiss, his tongue seeking out until his muscle is entangling with yours.  

Your face flushes with warmth as you mold your lips against his feverishly, head tilting to deepen the kiss until you’re both panting for air into each other’s mouths, “Please…” You plead, squirming in his lap. 

“I know, babydoll, I feel it too,” Chuuya groans quietly, feeling your thinly clothed pussy skim over the bulge in his gym shorts. “Wanna take this slow though, need to feel all of you, okay?” His hands cup the bottom of your thighs as he moves off the couch to stand up, your lips not parting for even a second as he makes his way to your bedroom and over to the bed. When his shins bump against the bottom frame of the bed, he leans over to lay you down on the mattress gently, lips leaving yours to move back down the expanse of your neck. You shiver, fingers messily tangling into his locks of hair whilst your other hand finds its way in between your bodies to run your hand over his erection. “F-Fuck,” Chuuya breathes out against the skin of your throat, hips jerking forward into your touch. “God, it’s been so long, I almost came,” He admits with embarrassment before latching onto a small patch of your skin to suckle at, pressing kisses to the spot occasionally. 

“Baby, please— wanna touch you so bad,” Was all you had to whine before he slips his baggy gym shorts off to reveal his stiff, throbbing cock. Your hand wraps around him, thumb pressing to his leaking slit to swipe at the precum dribbling out to spread it along his length with a few pumps of your hand. There’s a quiet “schlick” each time your wrist flicks to draw your hand back up to his angry mushroom tip before moving back down to the base of his shaft. 

Chuuya is unashamed when he lets out airy moans against your neck that’s now littered with his love marks, “Shit, you’re s’fuckin’ good, baby— just like that.” His right hand finds its way under your large shirt to grab at your underwear and pull at it until it tears off you. 

“Chuuya,” You whine in complaint, watching him toss the now torn fabric onto the floor, “I liked those.” 

“S’okay, I’ll get you more, sweetheart, promise,” His teeth dig into his bottom lip as he slips his middle and ring finger through your folds to spread your glistening sex open. “Look at how fucking wet you are, you like jerkin’ me off that much, pretty girl?” He groans, eyes glued to your hole clenching around nothing. 

You bury your face into the crook of his neck timidly as your hand pumping around his cock falters slightly from the way he talks, “C-Chuuya…” 

Chuuya chuckles before softly moaning into the side of your head, face nuzzling affectionately into your hair, “C’mon, doll, don’t be shy, look at how your sweet little cunt takes my fingers.” 

Flustered, you peek from his neck to watch his digits dip into your arousal, dragging them up to circle over your clit a few times and then slipping down to sink into your pulsing walls. Whilst his fingers weren’t considered long, they have you twitching from pleasure with how thick they are. “Feels good,” You slur out as your hand squeezes around the base of his cock. 

“Yeah? You love it when I stretch this pussy out with my fat fingers, huh?” He sucks in a short breath as he tries not to come right then and there in your hand as he fingers his digits in and out of your squelching pussy. “My sweet girl likes having her hole stuffed by her husband, hm,” His fingers work faster in and out of your cunt as he angles his thumb to draw rough circles into your needy clit.  

Your grip and stroking around his length only continues to falter as your thighs spasm softly, “M’gonna come— fuck— Chuu, noo, no, no…” You squirm, your other hand tugs his hair. 

“What’s wrong, doll?” Chuuya’s fingers slow to a stop, causing you to whimper from the ebbing buildup of your orgasm. He’s the same as you when he feels your hand come to a stop around his shaft. 

“Wanna come on your cock,” You mumble into him, “Want you to fill me up with your cum.” 

Chuuya feels his heart thrum in his throat wildly as he hears you speak before making quick work of your shirt and his tank top until you're both as bare as you were when you were brought into the world. “Yeah? Need me to fill your cute pussy up until my cum is spilling outta ya?” He hovers over you between your spread thighs as he hooks your legs over his hips.  

“Just wanna feel you close to me,” You admit with a sweet and quiet voice, your legs drawing him in until his throbbing cock is rubbing between your pussy lips with his tip nudging at your puffy clit. 

His eyes widen barely before softening, his movements becoming less erratic and eager as he leans down to place a gentle kiss against your lips. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head, doll, m’gonna take care of ya like I always do.” He whispers, his right hand moving to guide the tip of his cock against the entrance of your core. Much like his fingers, his thick length bullies into your warm pussy slowly, stretching and splitting you open on his cock. “Fuuuuck, baby, you take me so well. Can’t get enough of seeing you stretch open on me.” 

Your legs tighten around him as you feel his hips press against yours until his balls are flush with your ass, “You’re s’big— it hurts every time, but it hurts good,” A small whimper leaves you as your hands grip at the bedsheets. 

When Chuuya pulls away, he watches his cock twitch from the loss of warmth your tight hole provided before seeing it stretch you back open to fill you. “God, I’ll never get over you,” He hisses through his teeth, pistoning his cock in and out of you at an agonizing pace, “Your pussy was made for me.” 

Chuuya’s gaze isn’t on where your bodies connect for long before he’s back to hovering over you, pinning your hands above your head. They’re placed palm up on top of one another before being locked in place with his left hand interlocking your fingers. The action makes your heart tighten with affection as well as your fingers when you squeeze his hand. The subtle noise of metal clinking from your wedding bands only makes your heart swell with pure unadulterated love for him further. Your eyes start to water again from the overwhelming emotions and love you feel for him. 

He squeezes your hand back in comfort, eyes studying your teary face, “You’re so fucking beautiful, you know that, doll?” He says out of nowhere, “M’so lucky to have you.” 

You clench around him as you stare back through blurry eyes back into his focused ones, moaning from the way his tip kisses at your g-spot with each thrust. “Mm— Lucky to have you too— you’re so good to me, Chuu,” You mewl out, feeling your stomach twist and coil with intensity.  

“Want you to come for me, please, baby— wanna make you come,” Chuuya’s words grow more pitchy and airier as he reaches his right hand down to rub at your throbbing clit with vigor. 

“A-Ah, fuck—“ Your body arches, hips erratically bucking into his, “C-Coming..! Shit, s’too much.” You sob, tears slipping down your temples and into the mattress. Your cries are soon silenced by Chuuya’s lips swallowing your noises in a passionate, yet sloppy kiss. You muffle incoherently against his lips, but he knows it’s a repeated line of I love you’s as your nails dig into the back of his hand and you cream around his length.  

As your walls spasm around his twitching cock, a guttural groan leaves his throat and he spills his hot, viscous cum deep into your starving pussy until it’s leaking out of your tight hole and down his balls. “Atta girl…” He murmurs through pants, kissing your sweaty forehead lovingly. 

“I love you,” You repeat gently one last time as you both relish in the softness of your afterglow. 

“I love you too,” Chuuya sighs with a ghost of a smile on his face as he admires you underneath him, hand coming down from your hands to wipe away your stray tears, “Promise me you won’t go anywhere, doll? Cause I’ve still got years of loving you left to go.” 

[animeandfilmotaku]

Haikyuu and how it helped me to find myself and that hunger

I am going a little sappy here, as I am writing this right now, on the shockwave of finishing my last day of work, and I am so grateful for watching Haikyuu and its adventures.

So I have been working in a certain social enteprise for like a good time in my 20’s (like 5 or so) In short, it is great but however I feel basically stuck here with that comfortable utopia, until the end of last year due to personal circumstances I circled into a very bad depression which to the point, I just broke down sobbing and just simply numb mentally and emotionally. I recall during an annual accountability meeting that I simply do want to speak to anyone.

The details are fuzzy, but the weight of work is too much for me, until my family made a choice to go to Japan in the cold winter to let me have a breather. And it is where I let myself figure out what to do, of course I did my pilgrimage to Fushimi Inari shrine to try to climb to the top, because many years back- I did this on my first trip with family friends- after a trying period of dealing with a toxic boss and health issues, which I did not as my health was fragile- which I recovered from a bad cold.

And the most unexpected thing is that I want to know Haikyuu because of my dear work bestie, which I call them affectionally as Bokuaka colleague and my online friend Fawnie talking about the series which I was surrounded curiously by the many merch here, which I snapped so many pictures and share it on discord and telegram, so when I came back home, I decided ok what the heck I am going to watch it, and man it was a breath of fresh air- to see such a small underdog team conquering bigger and scarier teams to reach a simple goal which are the nationals. And along the way, they grew better over many lost matches and wins.

Of course I was team Karasuno as every Haikyuu fan, (yes Asanoya was the pairing that I adore and Asahi’s arc being so inspirational as I faced my own Iron Walls) but however it is Inarizaki high, and mostly the character Miya Osamu that has such a huge significance for me that actually made me settle that decision which I simmer since last January to actually take the plunge.

The team’s motto ‘We don’t need the memories” seems saddening, but it does not mean we must dump away the horrible shit- it means that we do not hold them like precious treasures but learn from it and grow from that experiences. And it is funny, as Inari which the school is named after, is a patron god of foxes which concide with that said shrine that I climbed as a symbolic passing that I am over these tough times just landed to me.

I got to talk about Miya Osamu, my beloved boy which I affectionately called him my boyfriend, that propelled my decision to quit that job, so in short- he is the other half of a mega powerful duo alongside with his brother Atsumu known to be pretty much a terror (I mean even the way they cheer, you can simply lose your shit)- and he is super chill vs his otherwise hot-tempered brother, a lot of people said he is physically better than his brother in terms of stamina and reflexes but however Osamu is aware that he did not have this demonic hunger like Atsumu to pursue further, even a flashback which Atsumu is accepted at Youth Camp-Osamu said frankly that ‘You loved volleyball more than me’. So BKAK colleague was like oh you know Osamu end up working in the food industry, opening his own restaurant because of his passion of food. I did not get it until I watched the speech of Hunger with Osamu in the last set point that gave me that sign and it goes like “When you’re hungry, and you eat a small mouthful of something…it makes you even hungrier.”

And I be like holy shit, what???, and I thought to myself, maybe I am becoming like him, just going by the flow, scared to move out of this comfort zone to search for tastier food which unlike me, I blaze through endless food options to keep me happy (Thank god that Samu has the same passion as me, which is food), which I nearly ugly-sob for such a simple line (Kudos to Hideaki Kabumoto for such a beautiful performance), and watching the video essay of him, made me be like alright- I am going to submit the resignation letter.

Of course, after that said submission, it is where I really struggle myself mentally, if I actually made the right decision, basically gaslighting my ass to all these memories, and I am so grateful that time I decided to rewatch Haikyuu with my mum. And of course rewatching Haikyuu was that source of comfort which I look forward every night after work to watch it.

We talk over the people being like the Ushijimas and the Oikawas over me simply leaving for a new chapter.

Ok imagine an Asian 60 year old mother who binge over K-Dramas screaming like a mad football fan with the matches, and being like I love my boys so much, and Sugawara (My favourite moment from my mum when Daichi is substituted by Ennoshita, my mum be like why Suga did not replace Daichi, I liked him), and she asked me the reason you are able to quit, because of Hinata’s determination and Kageyama’s passion, which I tried to show my mum that Osamu panel, being that same reason and she did not understand why as she said you will be overstuffed.

So we reached the Inarizaki arc, which of course I enjoyed as hell, and it came to that part when we watch the Osamu speech and it suddenly clicked to my mum as I see food as passion, which I figure that I need to venture out to make me hungry again. So she was like oh so the passion of the things you enjoy is akin to a good meal, and she is like yep.

Long story, we managed to get the final date of me working here, which is coincidentally today- and I took the approach of another character from Inarizaki that help me in this transition period is Shinsuke Kita, I know super weird as he is an introvert unlike me, and what strike me is his composure to take things as ‘things as byproducts’ and it was that philosophy to take things as a process, that I even use that line as the header for my handover list. I even repeat that mantra to myself that I must hold these experiences as byproducts of a process, and holding that scene of Kita being happy that they play that final match despite the loss to Karasuno.

On the morning of that last day- I was playing Kita clips to calm me down, to prevent myself for getting emotional over my last day- and I told my mum, I want to be happy like them (akin Osamu in his restaurant and Kita, in his farming job) and she said yes, like Kita in his farm and it gave me so much comfort. And I blasted Hikari Are to calm myself down, knowing there is a bright light to break out of the darkness, that I can conquer my own iron walls.

And it is funny on that said day, I met a bunch of Japanese high-school kids coming for a visit which I broke the ice of telling them I played a chill version of Hikari Are (Haikyuu anime Opening 3), which one  knew that anime and I asked what is her favourite and this girl, from a country prefecture said that she likes Tsukishima which I am like yeh, my favourites from Haikyuu (in my best Japanese, which I self-taught myself during the pandemic), is Inarizaki and Miya Osamu, and my best Japanese adding Kita, the captain. And I spend that day actually trying to make small talk over these Japanese high school kids, which made my heart so happy that even the sensei was kind to see that I am trying so hard to speak in Japanese, which I left the scene with a full heart.

And it struck to me coincidentally, that in the end of things, Haikyuu brought me that strength and courage to move on to my new chapter. Yes, the path may be different as of now, but I am so glad to have that courage to make that path thanks to a small volleyball anime as the lyrics of ひかりあれ go

Hikari are //Daichi wo keru riyuu wa tada hitotsu //Motto mabayuku ore wa toberu Hikari are //Kimi no kyou no kagayaki ga //Mayoeru tomo no ashita wo terasu yo

(Let there be light //There's only one reason to kick the ground I can fly even more radiantly //Let there be light Your sparkles from today will light up a hesitating friend's way)

And I am so grateful for the once flightless crows, and the strong foxes to blaze me through that path, to find my hunger again

So ありがとうございます！古舘ー先生！！！for creating such a motivational piece that blaze through my new path 💕

[m0ssybricks]

Proposal and Promises

Word Count: 1838

Life could not have become better for Corey Cunnigham. He had finally left the town that caused him so much suffering. Your relationship has been incredibly healing to him and yourself.

The two of you have been a couple for over three years by now and both of you are so happy together. Growing together, exploring each other emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Being able to show each other the love you both deserve. Showering with all sorts of affection. Everyday you both grew closer together.

Lately Corey has been acting somewhat jittery, not completely anxious or excited but more in an anticipatory manner. You chalked it up to problems at work and took a mental note to talk to him about it.

During your lunch break at work your usual scrolling through your phone while eating lunch (today was a strawberry salad and a chocolate milk you stole from Corey) was interrupted by the notification of Corey texting you

sweet boy <3 : Hi love, are you having a good day? Did Jessi steal your lunch again ? I wanted to ask if we could go out tonight to this nice restaurant I've been wanting to try out. It recently opened and looks good.

sweet boy <3 : We could give it a try. I looked at the menu and everything looked good. I'm thinking we could walk around the city after.

You smiled at the sweet message your boy sent you

Me: absolutely that sounds wonderful love. I get out around 4 so schedule reservations about 6 ?

sweet boy <3 : Sounds perfect love, i miss you

Me: Miss you too baby see you tonight

The day seemed to move at a snail's pace as you kept anxiously looking at the clock waiting until you finished your shift so you could just go home and be with your sweet boyfriend. As soon as the wooden electronic clock on your desk flashed 4:00 p.m. you bolted out, nearly knocking a Dollar Tree pen cup over. Swiftly grabbing the black coat from your door hook and locking your office door.

“Why are you in such a rush today? '' Your coworker Jessie asked, her voice was rich with suspicion and humor.

“Going out with Corey at 6!” You called out.

Driving through Chicago's rush hour traffic has never been easy but today it seemed crappier. Despite staying in a stalemate for over half an hour the traffic wouldn't even budge so the first

place for half an hour. 4:56 . Checking the time won't make it go faster. You kept reminding yourself. The second traffic started moving, you exited and took the streets praying for a lack of red lights. The universe worked in your favor and you made it to yours and Corey’s shared apartment. The soft glow of the string light on your balcony shone bright as the sun came down and the sky turned into an orange hue.

Rapidly you climbed up the iron stairs to enter the apartment via the balcony because you needed a quicker way in aka avoiding conversations with neighbors. Finally, after making it up three flights of stairs, you unlock the sliding glass door, careful not to knock over the several plants and Corey’s red bicycle.

When you got inside Corey was in the kitchen, his work clothes still on

“Hey” he said pressing a kiss on your cheek

“Hi hon”

“I just got here a second ago traffic is horrible”

“I know right! I had to take the streets which weren't too bad but the freeway was horrendous!”

“Okay I've got to shower, I smell awful, we were out on a construction site all day” Smiling at Corey's comment you were overwhelmed with a sense of pride in your boyfriend. He had finally become a civil engineer and was in a job he loved.

“Alright baby go do that I'm showering too I smell awful”

He planted a small, chaste kiss on your head and went into one bathroom while you went into the other

While Corey and you were showering the both of you kept anticipating the evening and what you would wear. Corey knew that he would be loved even if he was wearing a potato sack but he wanted to look extra nice today. He felt very indecisive on what to wear- a problem he normally did not face but tonight felt stressed in doing so.

“Hey” a voice interrupted his thoughts. His sweet partner

“Do you need help picking something out?”

Their voice was so soft and caring Corey felt tears almost well into his eyes.

“Uhm yeah I actually do.”

“How about your brown coat, white button up, black slacks, and the navy tie.

He nodded and swallowed thickly. His lover pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“I'm going to get dressed okay?” You said

A few minutes passed and you both trotted to the living room revealing your outfits to each other.

“Shit you look beautiful…” Corey mustered out looking very flustered. Some things never change. He was flustered when he first met you and you will always make him soft.

“You look perfect.” That's all you could get out. He looked handsome, radiant, beautiful. Perfect.

Corey broke the silence. “Hey we should get going, we don't want to be late.”

Huffing out a laugh you replied “Yeah lets get going baby.” The entire car trip Corey had one hand on your left thigh, your hand over his. By the time the two of you arrived it was 6:03 and were immediately seated. The restaurant was beautiful, it looked like it came straight out of a European resort. The walls were beige and had a gold trim, the floor was checkered pattern, and the tables had ivory table cloths and maroon chairs. For the rest of the time at the restaurant the both of you talked about the smallest things, Mr. Logan's new cats making a home on your balcony, old memories, shared funny stories from your day, caught up on work disscusions, the sci fi movie you watched last night, and an upcoming vacation to Canada. The entire time Corey was smiling bigger than he had before. Whenever he smiled his hazel eyes would crinkle.

“Alright that was one of the greatest meals I have ever had” Corey told you as he finished up his food.

“Absolutely we have to go again, everything about this night is so perfect.”

At that comment Corey sweetly and nervously smiled and fiddled with the ring box in his pocket. The two of you have had several discussions about spending your lives together, how you two would work out together, your values and beliefs, what your experiences with families are, etc. But Corey is quite timid and passive and you never thought that you two would actually get married.

The waiter came to place the bill at your table as soon as she placed it down, in typical Corey fashion he rapidly pulled out his wallet.

“Hey I’ll pay! You invited me out!”

“Of course I did you are the best partner, now let me pay so we could get out and walk around before it gets too late”

“Core that's so sweet but-”

Your speech was interpreted by Corey handing his card to the waitress and tossing you a little mint that came with the check. He gave you a toothy grin opening his mouth which revealed the small, green candy.

“I'm covering tips.”

“Okay that will be our deal from now. I pay you cover tip”

“Deal”

As the two of you were packing up you couldn't help but notice Coreys fingers jittering -something he does when he is nervous but you were confused as to why that is.

“Now come on, let's go.”

Chicago nights were beautiful. The city lights and moonlight reflected upon the Chicago River and the night life was somewhat minimal. A street musician playing jazz could be heard in the distance. The two of you lovers walked hand in hand chit chatting softly about how nice the night was and how much you both love each other. All of a sudden Corey stopped walking, letting go of your hand.

“What's the matter babe?”

“ I want to tell you something.” Corey replied, anxiety wavered his voice. He grabbed your hands, you felt his slightly calloused palms rub against your own. You saw tears well up in his eyes

“I have never, ever been happier with a person and in life than right now and every moment I am with you. You saved me. I never thought I would be alive today but when you came into my life I made the choice to live. I felt like a monster, an outcast ever since the accident. I got used to the feeling of being unloved until you came into my life.”

At this point tears were freely falling down his face.

“Honey, you are so incredibly beautiful. I remember our first meeting at the gas station. How you helped defend me, comfort me at the clinic and it wasn't a one time thing. You have always been so caring with me and everyone you encounter. You have a zest for life and are beautiful inside and out. We have grown so much together in all ways: emotionally, intellectually, and socially. I never envisioned leaving that town and going to college, becoming an engineer, making an apartment our home, loving someone, and being at peace. I feel so happy and safe with you and all I want to do is to make sure you feel the same way. I wanna live my life with you. Kiss you, sit on the balcony watching the sunset, read comics, share chocolate milk, vacation with you, cuddle and watch movies every Friday. These past three years have been the highlight of my life.” His voice wavered from the tears.

“Angel, I always tell you are that you are the best person everyday and the reason for that is because you are my person.”

By now you were crying, allowing the tears to fall freely since both hands were holding your boyfriends’.

Corey got down on one knee, pulling a ring box out which revealed a gold band with a small diamond. Your heart just about exploded out of excitement and admiration.

“Would you marry me?” Corey asked, passion dripping from his voice. The world fell quiet.

“Yes” you answered quietly, still in shock.

“Yes?”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes” nodding rapidly

Corey placed the ring on your finger and bolted up to hug you. Tears spilled on each other's jackets-but nobody cared, you two were going to spend the rest of your lives together and that is the only thing that mattered at that moment.

Later that night when you two were in bed, legs and arms tangled. Corey was running his fingers on the small of you back. He looked at you, his hazel eyes illuminated by the blurred glow of the string lights hung on your window, filled with love.

“Thank you.” Those two words came out as a breathy whisper.

“For what?”

“For being you, for accepting my proposal, for everything. You are the most beautiful, intelligent, kindest person I have ever met and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you.”

[quitealotofsodapop]

MvA assorted headcanons

General:

So many years together has made the core monsters inseperable. If something affects one member, it affects the group.

All. The. Monsters. Are. Family.

It takes Susan a while to understand inside jokes and past incidents because of being the most recent addition.

There are Other anomalous creatures kept in Area 5X, but they are either non-sentient and/or are too dangerous to be kept around the more human-friendly monster group.

Area 5X is so gotdang big because they were expecting a lot more kaijus like Insecto to crop up. Sadly not many have surfaced to justify the space.

There’s a hangar in Area 5X full of wrecked UFOs. Some are spacecraft wreckage while others are stuff like weird meteors (Susan’s is in there), and at least one alien creature that got crystallised upon entering Earth’s atmosphere.

There’s significant difference in staff employed at different points throughout the past 50 years. There are far more women on the Area 5X worksheet than back in the 50s, and the guards are generally more sympathetic towards the monsters. Many modern staff members have been reprimanded or let go for failing to uphold secrecy, or for unnecessary cruelty towards the monsters.

Budget cuts were a legitmate concern up until the Battle of Golden Gate Bridge. The facility was far more barebones and sterile before the government had to formally recognise Area 5X’s importance. There have been a lot of redecorating at the facilty since the fat checks started coming in.

Putting individual characters under read due to length.

Susan:

Enjoys many hobbies considered stereotypically feminine; baking, sewing, cosmetics, etc...

Grandparents and extended family are farmers or are atleast connected to the business. Modesto is the agricultural centre of California after all. Her parents were the first of their generation to go against the mold and seek out white-collar careers.

Studied cosmetology in school and was working at a beauty salon to save up for her and Derek’s wedding.

Is very athletic and grew up doing a number of physical extracurriculars like cheerleading, dodgeball, and roller-derby.

Grew up being teased for being the shortest kid in her class/family. They still tease her for it.

Greatly fears causing collateral damage and/or harm to others through her size.

Has issues with anxiety, worsened only by her new job as “savior of earth”. She wishes for a confidant to tell her worries to.

Married life with Derek was doomed to fail. Susan had a plan in place for what came after the marriage, and focusing 100% on Derek’s career was not it. There’s also the line from Derek’s mother about Susan being “the weatherman’s wife”, implying that she was to be the homemaker and not have a career of her own. It’s possible that Susan was planning to settle down and have kids with Derek, but the lack of control she had in moving to Fresno implied that more was going on.

Is currently “taking a break” from love and dating, despite gaining many new admirers.

Tries her best to return to Modesto to visit her family and friends whenever possible, though work often keeps her away for weeks at a time.

If she retains her height-shifting abilities as in the series; Susan goes through really bad “growing” pains.

Link:

Was frozen in his relative late-teens during a cold snap. Got shifted around until he ended up somewhere in Greenland before being discovered by modern humans. Post-thaw he went a bit wild, swimming frantically back south to try and find his old enviroment.

Was one of many scrappy youngsters in his troop, with a number of adoptive parents. The strongest ruled the troop, and Link was fairly weak in comparision to the leaders. He had gotten into a fight the day of his freezing (over something silly in hindsight) and swam away to sulk. When he didn’t return after the cold snap - the troop accepted that he had likely died out on his own.

Likes to freak out humans by making up weird biology facts about his species and ones he’s fought against - like joking about laying eggs or having his tail dettach and regrow like a lizard. However there’s some things he has to ask about, because he doesn’t have medical knowledge or words to describe something.

A lot of his macho behavior came from imitating the guards who kept watch on him. 1950s violent military alpha males aren't a very good role model for someone who doesnt know what societal norms are yet. Link was a lot more insufferable back in the day but chilled out as he began interacting with other walks of life.

Has a high paternal instinct and immediately becomes softer around kids and smaller animals.

Has body language similar to a cat/alligator. Slaps his tail when angry or in deep thought. And yes; Link purrs/rumbles when happy.

Loves monster movies - especially the ones where the monsters “win”. He cried when he saw “Beauty and the Beast” and then immediately booed loudly when the Beast turned human.

Does Not Trust doctors or scientists due to bad past experiences. Will only go to Dr Cockroach and Monger if he ever gets hurt/ill. Gets stressed fast if he has to be in a waiting room or doctors office.

Link had no idea what gender indentities or orientations were until recently - he did come from a pre-human civilization that really didnt mind/care about the schemantics. It took him some time to wrap his head around it. He identifies himself as bisexual after much thought and many hours alone on the computer.

Don't press him about his body. He's built different from humans and cis people. He will punch anyone who doesnt respect his or anyone elses identity.

Has been in love before. It didn’t end well.

Will occasionally wear clothes, but finds it a challenge to find anything that fits him. Will give any shoes he finds to Dr Cockroach and BOB to eat.

The best driver/pilot out of all the monsters.

Dr Cockroach:

True name is Jaques-Yves Herbert. Prefers to just go by "Dr Cockroach" because he dislikes the association with his birth family.

Picks up human languages very easily, although not as quickly as he can understand animals.

Parents were a mixed scientist couple. His father was an aggressive “Strong British Man” that would beat him son down for not following orders or for not meeting his standards for a man. Dr C turned down both chances to attend his parents funerals.

This man isn’t straight. He probably uses old-fashioned slang when asked about romance such as; “I am Uranian” or “I wear a green carnation”. It took Susan a few times to realise what he meant, as she is used to a more open minded enviroment.

Got the idea of transforming into a cockroach from reading Franz Kafkas “The Metamorphosis” as a child. He sympathized with Gregor’s abusive situation, and began considering the possibilties of how one could survive better as a creature like a cockroach.

Studied in biology and entomology in the Uk before moving to the states to follow engineering. Obtained his degree in Dance as a “side gig” in University.

Has been barred from free access to the coffee maker/machine due to overnighters. Once stayed awake so long that he forgot the letter “R”.

Owned a terrarium of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches throughout college. He mourned each of them when his roommate’s iguana got into the tank.

Was a "beatnik" back in the day and still kinda is. Embraces and encourages modern counterculture as he himself was not given such acceptance in his youth. He has however shamefully eaten his old Lenny Bruce album.

Hasn’t actually aged physically since his transformation. He attributes this to the fact that certain athropods can’t age physically beyond maturity. Link is very jealous.

Has obtained more degrees while in captivity, as Monger allowed him access to research and learning materials. He has however had his allowances revoked for previous escape attempts/doomsday devices.

Does still enjoy human food, but the cockroach instinct of "eat detritus" tends to overrule his eating choices. Can’t cook either.

Ironically a terrible driver. The damages from previous drives has made Monger restrict him from operating even a razor scooter.

BOB:

Pretty much considers himself human. Was created by them, raised by one (Monger), and talks like one. Gets sad when he's reminded that no other humans are blue blobs like him.

Absorbed some dna from the scientists present at his "birth", leading to his eye, speech, and omnivorous diet.

Doesnt actually need to breathe (as he can just absorb oxygen through his mass) but the fact that humans Do means that BOB thinks he has to as well.

Shares some physical characteristics with tomatoes/nightshade plants, as he is technically half tomato. He refuses to eat tomatos for this very reason, considering it cannibalism.

Attracts garden pests looking for a tomato plant. This unwittingly makes BOB a pretty good bug zapper.

Still retains his "mental broadcast" ability from "BOB's Big Break" although at a more subtle level. He tends to parrot the things he accidentally "eavesdropped" on.

Is empathetic, and can tell when others aren't doing ok emotionally. Will flop down on someone who’s really sad to comfort them. No brain, only heart.

Best cook out of the monsters. If he doesn’t forget what he’s making at least.

"Whats a gender? Can I eat it?"

Insectosaurus:

Core body is that of a Japanese Silkmoth, although she ended up being spliced with other animals present on the island during her initial mutation; namely ants and ground squirrels.

Eats over a literal ton of mulberry leaves per day. Also enjoys oranges.

Secretly wishes to be more humanoid.

Was only able to pupate and transform due to physical trauma. It seems that her transformation was like a “power-up” that required her to be in geniune distress for it to activate.

First language is Japanese. She learned it from the intial recovery team, and later developed an understanding of English from years in Area 5X.

Goes into torpor in cold weather. Pretty much impossible to wake her up for missions during Winter, as she needs to “rev up” before becoming mobile.

Still very much Link’s best friend. Still enjoys sports, chicks, and beer.

Monger:

Full name is; Warren Rex Monger.

Is very protective of the monsters and will defend them to the death.

Pretty much raised BOB (as seen when BOB was a baby blob in “Night of the Living Carrots”), and considers him his “freaky gelatinous son”.

Has a reputation of being a “control-freak” due to his aggressive overseeing of the monsters’ containment. This toughness is partly because of incidents that occured without his knowledge. Lets just say some scientists have been wedgied/fired for running experiments on the monsters without Monger’s approval.

Has a very “Ron Swanson” emotional response and view of the world. Crying is acceptable only at funerals and at the Grand Canyon (if he hadn’t lost his tear ducts in the war).

Has been married multiple times. Will not confirm or deny if he is currently seeing anyone.

Invisible Man/TiM:

Legit got out but no one at Area 5X is sure how. He suffered a geniune medical emergency and disappeared after surgery. The other monsters were informed that he died from complications to deter them from getting escape ideas.

Is able to be detected in Infrared light. Dr Cockroach managed to rig up goggles to view TiM in case of injury and to foil pranks.

Was a scientist working on an invisibility potion for the military and used himself as a guinea pig. Hasn’t actually been able to replicate his results since - thinks the effect may have been caused by a genetic abnormality.

Dr Cockroach and him are massive rivals. Both actually met eachother pre-transformation through a CalTech expedition. This makes the pair one of few people that have seen the others human face.

Is 100% naked. Was forced to wear clothing once this was discovered.

A massive prankster and a cynic. Him and Link were a force to be reckoned with.

Has revisted the facility multiple times and has started a number of ghost stories.

Any additions are welcome! I proably have alot more to dump about. Might make one of the alien characters from the series

[prof-peach]

Hello professor, I have a pretty heavy question I’m afraid, but I’m running out of people to ask, so I’ll try my best to keep it PG13.

It’s my Mienshao, Daisy. Up until recently, she and I were members of a police task force tasked with rooting out illegal Pokemon smuggling rings and underground high stakes tournaments. We’ve been partners for a long time, me and Daisy, we grew up together, and I dare say we made a great team. But then things went wrong.

For the sake of security I can’t go into too much detail, but we were participating in a raid when we got ambushed. Someone must have tipped the smugglers off, because they were waiting for us when we got there. During the firefight, there was an explosion, a gas tank got set on fire by a charizard, I believe, and Daisy and I happened to be close. She got out with a few minor burns and scrapes, I... Did not.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but I have been confined to a wheel chair ever since, and I am due to be fitted for a prosthetic leg next week.

I won’t lie, the transition has been hard for everybody, me, my friends, my family. My other Pokémon have been hovering around me like over protective nannies for weeks. But I think out of all of us, Daisy has been taking it the hardest. Half of the day she spends locked to my side like a bodyguard, threatening to punch anyone that gets too close into oblivion. And the other half, well...

She’s started putting herself through some kind of hellish self training routine. Doing katas until she all but collapses from exhaustion, running laps for hours, fighting every Pokemon she can convince to fight, wild or trained. Daisy’s always been tough, and she’s always loved training, but this... This isn’t training, it’s a death march. I’m getting extremely worried, and that’s not even everything!

She’s stopped eating her favorite foods, deliberately choosing ones I know she hates, she won’t let me pet her anymore, she just steps out of reach, trying not to look at me. But most worryingly, she’s started cutting off her whiskers. She’s always been so proud of her whiskers, she groomed them every day, always got grumpy when I teased her for having a big ol’ mustache. Now anytime they get longer than an inch, she slices them off with her claws and throws them in fireplace, like some kind ceromony.

I’m almost certain Daisy feels guilty for coming out mostly unscathed, when I didn’t. She’s always been a bit protective, even before we joined the police, and she’s saved my life multiple times out in the field, but now she feels like she’s failed me, I think. I’ve tried to convince her that it wasn’t her fault, but that only seems to redouble her efforts. I’m terrified she’s going to burn herself out if she keeps going like this, and I don’t know what to do.

I know this is a pretty heavy question, but I I’m not sure who else to ask. Is there anything I can do to convince her that she doesn’t need to hurt herself like this? Or, something? Just anything to help! Losing my leg was jarring, but losing Daisy would be unbearable!... I just... I just want my best friend to be okay.

I am sorry for what you’ve been through, I cannot begin to understand what it’s like to be in your shoes, but like all recovery, physical or mental, this will take a fair bit of time to get past, you both may never fully return to how things were, but it can get better and you can both return to a full life together with work and dedication.

I’ve certainly seen Pokemon go to extreme lengths after dangerous incidents to protect their loved ones or themselves, in this case it would be wise to assume your pokemons suffering with a hefty bill of PTSD, and needs some actual therapy to handle the feelings and thoughts they’re having. We have facilities to accommodate that if you’re local to Johto, but most Pokemon centres will be able to put you in contact with reliable and certified practices to begin unravelling the issues that now plague Daisy.

That she considers herself to have come away reasonably unscathed is not true, yes your life has physically changed, but she needs to step back and take a look at her life too. Everything’s different now, and more specifically how she’s treating herself and handling her feelings. If that’s not trauma and injury, I don’t know what else it could be. You both came away with damage that day, physical or not. The first step is to help her see that, and to begin to understand that despite this all, you can both continue to move forward together if you can overcome the injury together, it is an event you shared, and you two can aid each others recovery with time and care.

There’s some seriously gifted therapists out there, those who study for years and can help far more than me, they’ll take time to break down the events, and start to really get into the feelings that your partner is going through. The cycle for Daisy right now comes around to self-punishment, and seems to be stuck on a loop. She needs time and space to process her feelings of guilt, grief, fear and loss, facing them instead of burying herself in her rigorous training. While it is difficult to discuss, you two have a strong bond that means you could talk with her. Try to remind her who’s truly responsible, she may be blaming herself, which is pretty common in these situations, but at the root of it, you were doing your routine job, and the bad guys, the Pokemon smugglers and goons are to blame. THEY caused the issue, not her, and while it may not sink in right away it’s worth saying, and sticking to. You said you told her that it wasn’t her fault, which is the gut reaction, perhaps giving her a logical target instead of herself will work better for now. Reiterating the true issue, and taking the heat off of her may help with other tasks such as self care, later down the recovery road.

Her guilt will feel terrible, but it kind of works as a protector, keeping her distanced from the worse, more overwhelming feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. In fact the guilt that masks this all will slowly make things worse over time. That underlying intense emotion below the guilt is what you both need to work through, but more than anything, she needs to face it, in her own time, come to terms with it, and eventually (hopefully) come to an understanding that life is an endless cycle of events, things will happen, but you have to pick yourself up and turn the lemons into lemonade. She could have lost you that day, that you came away with your life is a miracle, and now you two get more time together because of that. Luck isn’t something that runs out, it’s not like there’s only so much of it to go around, it is like wining the lottery. Sometimes 20 people win, other times no one does. It’s hard to accept, but there’s no greater order to stuff that happens, but when we can come to this conclusion, it’s oddly freeing. I’ve seen a fair few Pokemon in a symilar state who can move on when they realise there’s an odd randomness to the world and everything that goes on.

This is a job for someone with far greater skills than I, but you must help her by also looking after yourself, laugh when you can, show her that your life is still very full, and that you have loved ones, and joy to share with others. You mentioned that you’re due a prosthetic, and though the transition will be long and no doubt a little difficult at first, getting yourself back on two feet (kind of) will show her, and your other Pokemon that you’re willing to move forward. I think there’s a lot to be said about talking during this all. She wants to fight, to be strong, if this is how she’s going to cope, fine. If she’s out training, sit with her, spend whatever time you can by her side, as she’s taking this the hardest. You don’t have to say a thing, just try to do your best, without putting yourself in too much discomfort or pain. Reminding her who would be devastated if it had been her who got hurt, if she was not around, may help ground her back in reality a bit. You both got granted a gift that day, you came away alive, if she works so hard she burns out, that gift was wasted. She can use her kindness, and strength to help you, she can pass her knowledge and skill forward, but it’s hard to help others, and do your best if you’re exhausted beyond reason. Kind of like trying to give people bread from a basket but the damn basket is empty yknow? You got to take time to refill so you can help those around you again, so you have some bread to give. I know, probably sounds a little dumb but it’s always been the way I remember it.

Another very useful thing I’ve found with trauma survivors would be meeting others who have been in the same position. There’s plenty of support groups for both people and Pokemon who have been through events that left them in a difficult situation, emotionally and physically. Even here at the lab we have many species who have been left without limbs, with life changing damage, and a lot of them also have the emotional trauma too. She would probably do well to spend time with them, you can send her to a resort to retreat and recoup erase, mix with others who were just as angry as she is now, or you can take time to go with her to groups to interact with others. It’s one thing to have humans help, but it’s a whole other level of connection when Pokemon can help their own. They bond quicker, trust faster, and generally are more open to listening when it’s coming from a place of mutual experience. If she had time to talk to pokemon who actually lost their trainers, or parts of themselves, she may find some peace, even if only temporarily.

Don’t mention the whiskers, and where possible don’t offer her foods she actively likes, but also not ones she actively dislikes. Just for now. Start the ball rolling with just plain simple things that are neither good or bad. Indifferent is better than bad right now, the punishment she’s inflicting on herself will need addressing further, so contact a therapist, they use Rotom or porygon to translate from poke-speech to human language, and the repair can begin with a registered professional. My advice is not sound proof, I certainly feel like I have missed something important, it’s a big response, but it’s a start in the right direction, and should you come up to any further issues, message back and update us with what’s going on. With work you two will be on track to recover. Remember, patience is the biggest thing here, you two have history, and a therapist will no doubt take the sessions as a pair, and work with you to help Daisy feel less guilty over time. I hope you both find peace, and that both of you repair in due time. Good luck with the new leg, a step towards recovery for sure.

[aonogifreactions]

Hug Headcanons: Revisited

a/n: ive felt like i should rewrite this for a while now. i hated seeing those stuped ~180 words, so.. thats why were here! xD i added yukio to the mix as well, since ive gotten this ask >:) huge thanks to @no-remorse​, who beta-read it for me <33

Tiny edit: I’d love to hear the feedback for this one! <3

Warnings: Spoiler in the last headcanon in Yukio’s part!

★ Characters: Rin, Yukio, Mephisto, Lucifer, Amaimon, Astaroth.

★ Words: 2,1k.

Rin:

no matter where, who’s watching, or what had happened before, he’s gonna give you a big, big hug! he absolutely lives for your hugs, it soothes him emotionally so much and works as immediate relief.

almost always his one hand wraps around your waist, while the other one goes on your head as he nuzzles into your neck; his hugs are always tight, almost as if you were about to get taken away from him - he doesn’t really feel like that inside, but.. he likes feeling that you’re here. present. for him.

after a fight, he immediately runs into your arms and almost makes you both fall on the ground as you nearly lose your balance when his arms wrap around you; feeling your embrace, your warmness.. something in his mind switches right away and he’s calm. he’s still shaking, but it gradually stops as he relaxes in your arms.

at first, he might be a little shy, but when he gets comfortable, he can’t keep his arms away from you. He just.. loves feeling you. hugs make him somewhat vulnerable, because he lets his frustration out, and at the same time - Rin gets an extreme dose of serotonin. He tends to place his forehead on yours just before he loosens his hold on you, and eventually moves on do to his things.

depending on your height, he still loves hugging the same! if you’re short - during hugging, he also places his cheek on your head, leaving a soft kiss on your hair. if you’re tall - he loves!! hugging!! into your chest!! or whatever he reaches!! he’s just snuggling into you like a madman.

he gets butterflies in his stomach when you hug him from behind and almost starts stuttering. (do it when he's cooking or sumn,, but u didn't hear it from me) 

also, please, PLEASE wrap your arms around his neck. he’s gonna MELT.

Yukio:

his hugs are rare, but it’s not like he doesn’t touch you - it’s just Yukio being Yukio; hugs make him vulnerable, similarly to Rin, except that it’s Yukio’s way to “open up” about his problems a little. It’s surely a very small step forward, but it shows that he's trying, yet he doesn’t realize how much it actually helps him.

he prefers to hug somewhere where there are not so many people around, not necessary in private completely, but as long as you’re the only one with him in the room, he’s down for a hug if he feels like it (or you beg him enough lol).

he’s usually silent during hugging, but he really “quietly” lets his frustration out, you might even catch him sighing. at first, he embraces you with only one arm and places his head on your shoulder, but when it hits him - the emotions, that he’s been waiting for years and now he’s finally able to tell someone everything - he’s almost crying, but he intertwines his other hand with yours instead. even though there are no real words shared, his love language involuntarily shows the beauty of his complicated personality.

now, he’s a little “unwilling” to hug you, mostly because of all that emotions crashing on him, but he feels so much better afterwards.. it’s unreal, he feels like you used some kind of magical spell on him.

the worst time to hug him is probably when he’s angry - and while it seems like a totally normal thing, it doesn’t work as comfort for him - it makes him even more upset, so it’s really best to leave him alone for some time. he knows your intentions are good though, so usually, he comes back to you with a calmed mind and apologizes.

I picture his S/O being in this mess in chapter 126, where the twins just beat the shit out of each other, and suddenly Yukio’s s/o comes up to him and stops from shooting Rin - he’d have that mental wall blocking him from hurting you in any way, just when he realizes he points his guns at your face or grabbing his hands and attempting to get Rin out of his target range - both of those things and any similar scenarios would end up with him looking at you with those beautiful, yet unfortunate eyes showing so much pain and sadness, along with that broken expression on his face, hoping to understand him.

Mephisto:

we’re gonna have fun here. hugging with Mephisto is pretty common, he likes touching you physically and doesn’t really care if people see it - he’ll push boundaries as far as he can, but unless it’s someone or something really important, he stops and gets serious. 

^unless it’s Arthur, he could politely knock on the door. Hearing the permission to come in, the first thing he sees is Mephisto hugging you with a hand on your lower back, heading dangerously onto your ass while casually giving him random papers and smirking at him. wow.

if you think the twins’ grip was tight, Mephisto’s gonna literally try to squish you into his body - it’s not hugging if your bodies aren’t touching themselves in EVERY possible way. You could be practically glued to him and he won’t complain - in fact, he’s gonna have that shit-eating grin and tease you by saying “hmm, aren’t you needy, darling? you can’t be away from me even if I work!” (even if.. it was him who called you over...)

he GETS handsy and you can’t do anything about it. and he really does it on purpose, just to tease you and see how much time it takes for you to get either horny or snap at him. nonetheless, he likes to place hands around your waist or just on your hips, then shove you into him, so he’s able to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

hugs definitely show his rather “softer” side, the silly one - but he also doesn’t hesitate to hug you when he’s serious; these hugs, however, tend to be quicker but more intimate. even if it’s just him standing next to you and placing his hand on your hip while watching the dark sky, stars flickering slightly as you feel a slight, cold breeze hit your face; you look at him, wondering what he’s thinking about, this incredibly sharp mind with hundreds, perhaps thousands of different thoughts. Is he reflecting? Reminiscing? Regretting? or is his mind wandering around some silly thoughts? Yet you’re the one left wondering, not noticing his emerald eyes have focused on yours a while ago. You take your eyes off him, slightly embarrassed, hearing only a faint chuckle and feeling his grip tightening on you as you two once again gaze at the glittering galaxy above you.

Lucifer:

due to his body being not as strong as Mephisto’s - he’s usually down for cuddling instead. however, when some of the elixirs do their job, he’s gonna give you hugs pretty often.

prefers to be in private when he really wants to give you a genuine hug; he doesn’t want to show others he fell for the trap named “love”. he lets himself be a hypocrite about it, for once (ekhem satan and yuri).

Of course, tiny hugs wouldn’t be forgotten while attending stuff anywhere else on Dominus Liminis, but they’re just quick hugs when you walk past him. he isn’t ashamed of you by any means, in fact, he’s proudly walking along with you most of the time, having a hand either on your waist or interlaced with yours.

Lucifer’s hugs are very, very confident and send butterflies to your stomach - he radiates that strong energy to make you feel secure in his arms - the world could be falling, but as long as you’re in his arms, he’ll do anything to protect you from any harm, even if this means losing his precious body.

sometimes he hugs you in his own, unique way - he interlaces both of his hands with yours and places his forehead against yours, closing his eyes and sighing softly. while you might think it’s not really a hug, it’s definitely a very sweet gesture. you can get a kiss on the temple or a few sweet and uplifting words whispered in your ear too, if he feels particularly affectionate that day.

his views on physical contact are... a little bizarre; he’s confused and doesn’t fully understand the purpose of it, yet - he will admit it’s quite satisfying. feeling your lover is definitely something that feeds the feelings he’s had deep within him. he might be a little stiff when you introduce him to this too, no matter how many times he’d seen humans do it - experiencing it for the first time is new to him, but surely it is something he grew to enjoy.

 so what’s that “hugging” thing again? you just wrap your arms around someone and.. that’s it? are you supposed to just stay like this? how long? - that’s pretty much half of his thoughts going through his head when he hugs you.

it takes him quite a long time until he “learns” it just “makes him feel better”. he understands (kinda) the idea of it, but deeper down, he’s still pretty puzzled.

In the early stages of hugging, Amaimon didn't realize how strong his hugs were - if he didn’t break any bone of yours, then it’s a miracle. As soon as he noticed you almost passing out, he stopped and the guilt of possibly causing you harm has kicked in, so he promised you to make it up the best way he can.

Amaimon doesn’t realize it - but as time passes he grew used to hugs! Especially greeting hugs, which at this point he doesn’t realize he gives  - it’s become a habit of his.

not a fan of long hugs - to say it bluntly, he becomes bored if it lasts too long (unless there’s been a fight beforehand, in this case, he understands you want to regain the sense of security that physical body is able to give). he likes quick hugs instead, which he gives more often.

Amaimon’s hugs are pretty simple - he wraps his arms around your waist and that’s.. pretty much it. He might rub your back sometimes, but to be honest - he just likes the simplicity. Funnily enough, when Behemoth notices you hugging, he also wants to participate! Tiny demon bounces your way and while it’s near your leg, he starts clinging to it and nuzzling himself (Amaimon’s kinda >:((((((( when he sees Behemoth snuggling, but it’s his boyo so he forgives him).

However, Amai gets really mad when he sees you hugging someone else than him. Unless it’s a close friend or family member, he’s.. somewhat accepting this, but if it’s someone he doesn’t know - he’ll either try to fight them or take you bridal style in his arms and just go away.

He also gets awfully handsy, which he probably picked up from Mephisto. His one hand might slowly slide down to grope your ass cheeks; when you look at his face questionably, he’s just gonna place the other hand on your ass as his answer.

Astaroth:

his understanding is even worse than Amaimon’s, so he’s initially against it. he doesn’t understand the purpose of it and it's very hard to convince him otherwise, saying something along the lines of “if you need your “physical contact” we can fuck on the counter”.

continuously asking him would only make the situation worse, as he’d get annoyed more each second, eventually making him leave the house for a few days. one situation, however, changed his mind the most - he’s once lashed out at you, leaving you crying. he left nonetheless and waited a few days until he cooled off. feeling bad for his actions and regretting doing it for once, he came back, but instead of confronting you - he left a withering rose with a note.

he’s learned a little bit from that situation - seeing that you accept his quirks, he decided to try out some of your ideas - including hugging. and oh boy, how wrong he was.

he will NOT admit he likes hugs for his life; very “tsundere” approach to it, but you can catch his face being relaxed sometimes.

his favorite hug is.. hugging you from behind! whenever you’re cooking or being busy just in general, he loves surprising you with a hug, encircling his hands around your belly as you flinch slightly, not expecting him. as an apology, he places a gentle kiss on your shoulder.

due to him being nasty, you gotta bear with his dirty-talking he’s “performing” every time he hugs you. he also WILL tease you by groping your chest with no shame, attempt to give you hickies, and after a while - move his hands dangerously near your chest.

[wrenhyperfixates]

Unconditional

Pairing: Loki x reader Summary: You deal with conflicting emotions as you try to understand why you deserve Loki’s love. When he finds out about your turmoil, he helps you heal. Warnings: angst, toxic/emotionally abusive parents, a couple curse words, fluff  A/N: Here you go, nonny! I’ve been very fortunate that this isn’t a topic I’ve had experience with in my life, but I did some research, so I hope that I portrayed it ok. Thanks for reading :) 

Tag List: @lucywrites02 @frostedgiantfavs​ @lunarmoon8​ @twhiddlestonsstuff​

Disclaimer: Gif not mine

You were currently sitting back on the couch with your feet propped up on the table, waiting for Loki to come in with your movie snack. He’d brought the tradition of Friday movie night with him when he moved out of the Tower and in with you. As he came over holding the bowl of popcorn, you moved the blanket a bit so he had room to sit. Loki rested the bowl of popcorn in your lap, freeing his arm to put around your shoulders. He placed a kiss to your temple as he hit play on the remote.

“What was that for?” you asked with a happy, but bewildered smile.

“Just because you look so adorable sitting there all bundled up, my sweet.”

Loki had been living with you for about a month now, and you’d been dating for almost a year. Still, you weren’t used to the little, unprompted signs of affection he was so keen on giving. The smallest things caused you so much stress. For instance, Loki had casually brought up an inside joke one of the lines in the movie had reminded him of. The joke was funny, sure, but the way he’d grabbed your hand as he said it made your heart beat faster than should be humanly possible. It was so different from what you grew up with, but you didn’t want to worry Loki with your problems. He’d either say you were being stupid like so many other people in your life had, or he’d want to murder anyone who’d ever hurt you. You weren’t sure which was better. That was why you brushed it off anytime he asked why you were so confused.

Sharing a bed with Loki was simultaneously the best and worst part of your day. It was the best because you were completely head over heels for the handsome god, and you loved to see him peacefully asleep in the moonlight. But when he’d subconsciously reach out to hold you, you felt the most overwhelming mix of confusion and joy. So many times you lay there with a racing heart, trying to figure out what you did to deserve this.

“Hey, Loki,” you whispered one night, gently brushing hair out of his face.

He hummed in response, dancing on the edge of sleep and consciousness. You hesitated a moment before continuing, but decided he was so tired that there was a good chance he wouldn’t even remember in the morning.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” he asked, trying to open his tired eyes to look at you.

“I don’t know. For everything, I guess.”

You hesitantly reached out and brushed a strand of raven black hair away from his face. His hand came up to rest on yours, stilling your nervous movement. His piercing blue-green eyes were now staring right at you.

“You have nothing to thank me for. I do this because I love you, and I would like to have a word with whoever made you think must thank someone for loving you.”

You fidgeted under his gaze. “It’s just me being silly. Don’t worry about it.”

“It is silly indeed, my sweet. But know that I am here for you if there ever is anything you would like to talk about,” he said in a knowing tone. “Now, perhaps we would both benefit from some sleep.”

You agreed by cuddling into his side, enjoying the feeling of his arms wrap around you. That’s when you realized that you were getting too close to Loki, too used to his touch. You’d learned long ago how to get on without contact from others. You couldn’t let yourself be pulled down by hope again. This would have to be remedied before you got hurt again. It could wait until morning, though, because right now Loki’s inviting touch was gently lulling you into a deep slumber.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yes, Mr. Stark, I’m sure that the creeping phlox would be the best choice,” you reassured the billionaire.

“What kind of name is that for a flower, anyway?”

“A very good one, if you look into it. And I need you to sign off on the violet centerpieces, too.”

You were Tony’s go-to florist, which meant you were at the Tower more often than not with all the events he was constantly hosting. It was during a meeting, much like the one you were in right now, that you’d first met Loki. The first time you’d made contact was when he offered you a handshake. Even that simple act caused your skin to jump in excitement. At the time, you’d had no idea just how far your relationship would go.

“There you are, my sweet,” Loki said, wrapping his arms around you from behind.

“Loki!” you screamed in delight as he kissed your neck. “You scared me.”

You relaxed against him for a second before remembering you were supposed to be detaching yourself from him. It was a preemptive strike, but a necessary one since you were certain this relationship would end the same way all your others had. Loki would slowly pull away until, one day, he’d stop touching you altogether. Then you’d go back to that empty, lonely feeling that you tried to tell yourself was okay. You wriggled out of his grasp, pretending like you needed to get to your clipboard. Your boyfriend dropped his arms in dismay, your increased disinterest in his touch not going unnoticed.

“My apologies. Perhaps you would like to step outside for a minute a talk?” he suggested with quirked eyebrows.

“Sorry, Reindeer Games,” Tony interrupted. “I need them to finish preparations. And you’re supposed to be in training. You two lovebirds can talk at home.”

“Very well. Promise?” he said, looking over his shoulder at you as he exited.

“Promise.”

With one last sad glance back at you, he exited. You did your best to put on a bright smile for Tony as you finished up business. On the inside, however, you were a mess. Half of your brain kept saying that you’d ruined things with Loki by pulling away, but the other half was convinced that this was inevitable, and it was good you’d already started getting used to the lack of touch again. By the time you drove home, you felt ready to cry. You rested your head on the steering wheel for a minute, blinking away the tears, only to be startled by a loud honk. You looked up to see a car parked on the street in front of your house. Your heart started racing, but not because it was unfamiliar or threatening. Rather, you knew it all too well. And maybe the people inside did pose a bit of a threat to your mental health.

“Took you long enough,” your mother said unkindly, approaching you as you stepped out of the car.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize you were coming,” you mumbled, kicking a rock on the ground.

“Well you’re always disagreeable when we try to schedule, so whose fault is that?” your father berated.

“Mine. Sorry.”

“I swear, I don’t know where we went wrong with you. All your siblings are normal. Now let us in.”

“No.”

You wished you could say that you’d found the strength to say that to your parents, but it was actually Loki. His arrival had gone unnoticed up until this point, but it was obvious that he’d heard everything.

“Excuse me,” your mother gasped. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“I’m their boyfriend, but you may know me as Loki, God of Mischief, Brother of Thor, and rightful heir of Jotunheim. Not to mention an Avenger. And I’ve had quite enough of you speaking to my beloved this way,” he finished, protectively wrapping his arms around you.

“How’d you score this one?” your mother continued, not missing a beat. “He’s far too good looking for you. If only he knew your brothers or sister, he wouldn’t waste his time on the likes of you.”

“Enough!” Loki roared. “You will leave our property at once, unless you’d like me to forcibly eject you.”

“Are you going to let him speak to us like that?” your father fumed, angrily pointing at you.

“I really do think it’s best you leave,” you said in a barely audible voice.

Your parents finally went back to their car and drove off, muttering about you and Loki the whole way. When they went past you, your mother flipped you off.

“It’s ok, my sweet,” Loki shushed you, folding you into a hug. “They’re gone now and I am here. I will never let them hurt you again.”

You hadn’t even realized you were crying until Loki brushed the tears off your cheek. To save you some embarrassment, he ushered you inside and escorted you to the couch. He wrapped you in a soft blanket and conjured a cup of tea for you. Then he sat beside you, his hands never leaving your body.

“Shit. Loki, I’m so sorry,” you finally said. “You wanted to talk, right?”

“There is not a single thing you should be apologizing to me for. Yes, I did want to talk, but I believe I understand now. Those wretched excuses for parents have made you feel undeserving of my love, my touch. Trust me when I tell you that they are wrong, and there is no one more deserving of it than you.”

He slowly leaned in, testing the waters, before crashing his lips onto yours. You kissed him back and held onto him as if you were sinking in the ocean and he was your lifeline. When you had to break for air, Loki kissed away your tears, then he kissed your closed eyelids. Next he moved to your jaw and down your neck, working his way toward your hands. He kissed each of your fingers, putting more love into each one he gave you. It was so overwhelming, and yet so perfect. When he stopped, he looked into your eyes, awaiting a reply.

“Okay,” you whispered, squeezing his hand. “Okay.”

Loki knew you were far from healed, and quite possibly just didn’t argue because you didn’t have the strength to. He would take the win for now, though. You were so tired that you began to fall asleep listening to the steady sound of Loki’s heartbeat as he held your head to his chest. Just as you were about to succumb to unconsciousness, you heard him whisper something so low you had to strain to make it out.

“You deserve this and so much more. I truly do love with you every fiber of my being, my sweet.”

[junejalow]

“You have a daughter!?” Kali/Smoke

Bringing this over from my Archiveofourown prompt requests! Hope you enjoy! This prompt/dabble is for thelordchanka with the prompt "You have a daughter?"

The base was buzzing with work, recruit's heading out for last minute flights since they weren't needed for the upcoming cross training session and missions Harry had lined up. Most of them would require select operators, one's who wouldn't be able to leave for the holidays. Upon a collective request among the select few, three hours of negotiating (mainly whining and complaining) Harry finally relented on his restriction of having civilians on base. Although he was still reluctant about the entire choice all together, he had very strict rules. 1) No pranks. 2) Armory stays locked. 3) Kids/teenagers must stay with parent(s) at all time. 4) Common room and training/simulation room may be used as forms of entertainment. The last rule strictly applied as long as the kids remember that everything they see must stay a secret, he could trust the operators to reinforce this. After all, Rainbow didn't technically exist. A ghost in the shadow of every military unit on earth. They handled situations and missions no one will ever know about and the few that were public? Covered as special ops or joint missions. Everyone in Rainbow were all highly trained soldiers hand picked from even the best operators. They never disappointed Harry while on the job, but more humane moments like now? Well, it was just a simple reminder that they were still human behind their harden military mind sets. 

Kali was still trying to process the information she just heard from the table behind her, Smoke had a daughter? The crazed chemist actually had family, much less a child. How in the world did someone like him maintain a lasting relationship enough to reproduce. Ignoring Ace's conversation with Wamai, she focused back on the SAS group behind them. 

"She didn't like the idea of taking Christmas break but I'm pretty sur she'll love being here, I'm always telling her about everyone here. Despite her studies, Charlie does love hearing them. Surprise right?" Smoke mused as he fiddled with a picture he kept in his wallet, staring at it fondly. He had rarely spoke to anyone outside the SAS about his adoptive daughter, she was in her last year of high school and scoring straight A's and would graduate with honors. Charlie was the embodiment of everything Smoke couldn't be when he was growing up and so much more. He loved seeing her view of the world and everything she was learning, she had taught him a lot about life that he would never have thought of looking at in a thousand years. She was his connection to being human, a safe haven away from his crazy job. 

 "You're acting like we haven't mess the lass before." Sledge replied after swallowing a spoon full of mash potato's. They had met her once before when Smoke had to go check on his apartment a few miles away following a series of break in's. She acted nothing like the chemist aside from sharing his twisted sense of humor. Charlie basically kept him out of trouble when he had leave time from work. 

"Yeah but she hasn't met the rest of this lot, wonder what she'll think." 

"You worry too much." Mute mumbled beside him, a neutral frown on his face over the fact that Thatcher had taken his phone minutes earlier so the young operator would eat instead of burying his face in the device. More than once he had complained later in the day of being hungry because he missed dinner or breakfast for that same reason. Thatcher of course scolded him every time but taking his phone was a last ditch effort to get the man to eat properly. He didn't need the defender light headed during training from lack of food. 

"I'm not worrying too much! I just don't trust most of these barmy bastards not to try something stupid when everyone shows up. Bandit hundred percent I don't trust, he'll twist her beautiful little mind into something terrible."

"Yet you're just as bad, ever think about that or has Doc's scolding taught you nothing?" Thatcher piped in from his spot across the table. 

"All he's bloody taught me is how much I can get away with before I have to hide." Smoke chuckled, putting the picture of his daughter back in his wallet. 

Kali made a mental note to ask him later about the entire conversation, she was on good enough grounds with the defender that they could have a decent and friendly conversation when they crossed paths. Soon enough the cafeteria slowly became devoid of noise. Most of the operator's were calling home to invite whoever could make it or simply wishing their family and friends happy holidays. Kali on the other hand decided to hit the training room for awhile, not surprised to see a few operators spread out doing their own training. She listened in on different conversations as she bedded down to work on her sniper aim. Nothing caught her interest though, most of the banter was work related or Christmas gift ideas. She had learned from Mira that most of the operators exchanged gifts as a way of team building, an idea Harry had implemented soon after his employment as the new director. 

She had to give the man some credit, he surely knew how to bring a team together. Most of his tactic's were questionable at best but even she could the good intent behind each choice, he was even able to pull Doc and Lion to even ground and now the two seemed like friends all over again despite the random bickering they still did with Montague or Castle playing peace keeper as usual. Some small part of her felt bad for them, they were all adults but some parts of them still shined like children fighting over a toy. It was a vast difference from the attention to detail they all showed in the field though, she had heard Jackal mention it was like flipping switches off and on in their minds. Essentially they were all two sides of the same coin, one side a passive civilian living day to day while the other side was a ruthless soldier who wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger on someone wishing to cause harm. 

Personally she never really understood where she placed in that category but as long as the job was done who cared? She has taken out countless dangerious men and women alike. She seriously wouldn't have her life any other way. She sighed after spending the rubber bullets she acquired from the training gun rack and headed back to the main building, she noticed Smoke hanging around the common room and remembered the conversations from earlier, deciding now was a good time as any.

"Porter, mind a chat?" She asked as she approached the man relaxing against the bar across, tending to a half drank beer, the room from the tv that was currently playing some nature documentary. Dark chocolate brown eyes met her hazel eyes, a question playing across them before he motioned to the seat next to him. 

"I can fancy a talk, what's on your mind Kali?"

"You have a daughter?"

Smoke nearly choked on his beer at the straight forward question, he shouldn't expect less from her but at the same time he didn't think anyone had been listening in. Each table/group always stuck to their own conversations and rarely asked or interrupted anyone on theirs. 

"I didn't think you were bloody listening in! I could barely hear my own thoughts over Ace's loud mouth." A small smile tugged at her lips, Ace could very well be loud and self centered at times but he was a man that truly cared about other's safety above his own, rushing headlong into the worst of a situation just to make sure no one needed having. A natural thrill and need to protect and serve. 

She still owed him greatly for saving her that one time. "I happened to catch a small snippet. So I grew carious. Never heard you talk so fondly over something other than those canisters of yours." 

Smoke rubbed at the scar at the base of his hair line, no one at base had ever dared to ask him about it. Hell they all had their fair share of scar's, physically, mentally and emotionally. He simply waved the question off all the time and gave the same short handed reply. It was work related. Of course a lot of the operators around base never bought into it but out of respect for privacy no one ever pushed the subject. 

"She's not... blood. I adopted her years ago before I got invited to Rainbow. Never saw myself being with anyone but I've always wanted a kid, someone that could show me the world in a different view right? Charlie's done just that. She's excelling in school, straight A's and honor's. Nothing like her old man." He chuckled softly before taking a swing of his beer, pausing for a moment before continuing. "Charlie she... see's everything so bloody different than I do. I've forgotten what a civilian's view on life is, I don't see everything the same as when I was a kid. I was too busy exploring, a free spirit I was. That kid on the other hand, smart head on her shoulders. Been teaching me a lot over the last few years I didn't even know were things. Like all these new math and science categories she's studying, blew my mind at first. Seems like they expect them to know college level stuff before they even graduate. But what about you Kali? Got any family? Husband? Wife? Siblings? Kids?"

Kali slowly took in every ounce of information the man offered, she never really considered Smoke an open guy but at the same time there were rare moments each person just needed an outlet. She figured this was one of those moments. He was going to expose someone he held close to his dangerious line of work, granted she wasn't going to be in harms way by any means and neither would the other kids. A bigger smile graced her features, her hazel eyes settling on the tv across the room. 

"No, nothing of the sort. I'm married to my work as most people say. I don't have time for any relationships, to me it's a burden I don't need." 

Smoke scoffed and sat up a bit straighter in his seat, "You're missing out then Shah, Charlie's the best thing that ever happened to me." He told her with a warm grin, "Give it some thought, might change your mind after you meet her." 

The next few days flowed by quick, families arriving as they could. Most of them were settled in spare rooms while most operators didn't mind sharing dorms with their families. Currently the cafeteria was buzzing with chatter and stories being tossed around while a few decorated the base for Christmas, of course the chaos worsened over a snide comment Bandit made to Smoke. Before the man could retort it, Charlie already had him by the ear and was basically dragging the full grown man away from the fight all the while scolding him. 

"You promised me you wouldn't fight with uncle Dom while I was here and you almost did it anyway! I seriously can't leave you alone for one second!" Charlie argued. 

"I'm sorry! I promise for real this time! I won't bloody do it again I swear!" Porter tried to protest.

"Fat chance dad!" 

Kali chuckled quietly to herself because Wamai who had his hands clasped behind his back, "Rethinking what Porter said about family?"

"As far as I'm concerned Wamai? this is my family."  

[lvmosity]

saviour | harry potter

pairing: harry potter x muggleborn!hufflepuff!reader

requested: yes! by @scoofpoof​ thank u ♡

request: can i request for a harry potter x muggleborn! hufflepuff! reader? reader doesnt know harry potter (gasp) but he does bc they grew up in the same place and he lowkey has a crush on her. reader still doesnt know harry potter in school n is one of the top students. harry knows that she is physically strong bc she plays muggle sports n knows self defense. shes kind but not a coward so one time harry asks for help when he is being bullied n she agrees... reluctantly. u can choose the ending. thanks!

genre: fluff maybe?

word count: 3.4k (ok i didnt expect this to be long)

warnings: bullying, mentions of blood & scars, reader is a badass

tags: @sadhwstudent​ 

credit to the owner of the gif

It had only been less than two months since the news of Lord Voldemort’s supposed return from the dead had spread throughout the Wizarding World and all Harry Potter could do was watch in frustration as people branded him as a liar and deranged. He had to thank the Ministry of Magic, primarily Minister Fudge who took full control of this and covered up what he thinks to be complete utter nonsense. It wasn’t a surprise to him really as the Ministry of Magic were, after all, corrupt and incompetent.

Whilst Harry lied in bed feeling extremely alone and lost during those months, he did not get a single letter from his two best friends; Ron and Hermione, despite their promises. He was starting to wonder if they too had turned blind and decided their friendship wasn’t worth it but after finally meeting up one day for an explanation, he realised it was done so under Dumbledore’s orders which made the situation worse.

Then the events that followed after made it harder to cope with. He had discovered an old alliance formed by Dumbledore during the First Wizarding World and that half of them had either died or were seriously harmed. His godfather Sirius Black had informed him that the Dark Lord was in search of a special object that he had no access to during his previous attack, along with the mysterious actions of his headteacher who has ignored him throughout the summer. The pressure was starting to be a heavy toll on him, and he was forced to deal with it.

Unfortunately, it also became a difficulty attending school. His classmates had started eyeing him weirdly, growing awfully distant with him to which they would immediately stop talking once Harry entered the room, and some of his other so-called-friends had removed him from their lives. It also couldn’t help that certain students, none other than Draco Malfoy and his goons, had begun to bully him more than ever, hitting him with nastier remarks as well as the constant push and shove tactics.

Harry felt isolated and disorientated, felt as if no one had truly believed the words that came out of his mouth, felt as if he was made a laughing stock to the Wizarding World, felt as if Voldemort had already won the battle and it had barely even started. Ron and Hermione tried their best to cheer him up and distract him from reality but it would end in failure each time.

He was starting to lose hope, starting to think he was better off buried twenty-feet deep under the dirt since he knew his parents were the only ones who wouldn’t judge him, starting to accept the many labels plastered on him; he was a liar. 

He just had spent a strenuous hour-long detention session with Professor Umbridge in the afternoon due to his apparent cheek talking as well as spitting ‘false’ information about the Dark Lord’s return. Feeling emotionally drained, Harry found himself making a bee-line to the school’s library to have a moment to himself, he wasn’t prepared to face his friends and hear their worries.

Night had already fallen meaning everyone would be asleep by now, the hallways had also gotten dark. Luckily enough, the candles were the only light source as it made it slightly easier for Harry to find his way through the darkness. However, he wasn’t able to see anything further down the hall and he worried that a prefect or a professor on duty might catch him and drag him back to the dorms. Although, he’d rather bump into them than Filch.

And soon enough, once he had turned a corner and heard hurried footsteps approaching up ahead in the darkness, he started to panic. It was only a matter of time before he suddenly collided into something hard and he desperately hoped it wasn’t any of the two. Waiting to hear a grumpy voice scold him, he hears a high-pitched squeal instead.

The unknown figure in front quickly whispers a ‘lumos’ before being blinded by a bright light. Harry hisses at the sudden flash and squints his eyes to see past it expecting to see Filch or a professor. To his surprise, he realised it was just a girl but it wasn’t just any ordinary girl, it was you.

You look at Harry with a bewildered look to which he returns. Opening your mouth to question his presence, your head quickly whips back and a small gasp escapes from your lips. Both of you hear another set of footsteps approaching from behind and you instantly grab Harry’s hand and rush off to find a room or a spot to hide in.

After locating a random closet room, you hastily pull Harry inside with you and shut the door from behind. Harry leans against the wall and starts to pant but you hush at him indicating to keep quiet. You whisper a ‘Filch’ to him and he nods in realisation but mentally facepalms seconds later because you couldn’t see it anyways since the room was completely dark.

Several minutes pass by and no sign of footsteps or a grouchy voice could be heard meaning the coast was clear. Relieved, you flick your wand and a light illuminates from the tip of it, now the room was bright enough to see.

You turn to Harry and smile at him sheepishly, feeling embarrassed for grabbing a stranger’s hand. “Sorry about dragging you here, I had to make sure the both of us didn’t get caught, you know how Filch is.”

Harry shakes his head rapidly, “It’s fine, I appreciate you looking out for me though.”

“No worries...” Your words falter at the end waiting for him to introduce himself as you had no knowledge of the boy standing in front of you.

“Harry, Harry Potter.”

“Ah, well,” The sides of your eyes crinkled as you give him a friendly smile. “You’re welcome Harry, Harry Potter.”

You burst into fits of giggles, finding your small joke amusing. A faint blush creeps onto his face and Harry’s head shifts to the side in an attempt to hide it as he found you it adorable. Fortunately for him, you didn’t notice it but you noticed something instead and it wasn’t fortunate for him.

“Harry! Your hand’s bleeding!” You gasp as you reach out to his hand, lifting it up to your face to inspect it.

Harry winces at the sight of the blood, his scab had cut open supposedly from the harsh grip you had on him whilst you were running away before. It was only a minor cut and it didn’t really bother Harry whilst you reacted differently by shrieking as if he had lost a hand.

“What happened to your hand? Why do you have a scab?” You eye it closely, “It looks recent too.”

Harry scratches the back of his head with his other hand and stays silent, unsure on how to explain it to you that Professor Umbridge is a vile, old bat that enchanted a special quill to cut into his skin when he uses it. He also didn’t want you to worry too much and snitch on her to Dumbledore in case you would get in trouble.

Slightly frowning at his choice to ignore your question, you gently push him back to sit on a random obstacle as you rustle inside your school robes only to pull out a tiny first-aid box and kneel in front of Harry. You pick up a wound spray out of it and spritz it on his cut causing Harry to hiss at the slight pain.

Mumbling a quiet ‘sorry’ to him, you continue to dab the blood away, taking extra care not to deepen it. Once you saw that the cut was cleaned up, you pick up a plaster and place it on his cut, softly smoothing it out so that it sticks on properly.

Harry watches you intently as you smile to yourself feeling proud at your work, even if it simply was just tending to your aid. Harry lifts his hands up and stares at the plaster, it was girly for his liking as it was coloured a pastel purple and had a daisy pattern. He found it cute.

"It’s my friends,” Harry looks back at you. “Mine recently ran out so my friend lent me a few since I’m always getting into fights.” You bite your lip and look at Harry, waiting for a shocked reaction from him, he probably doesn’t expect you to be a troublesome girl.

“B-but for a good reason! I only fight the bad guys, y’know the bullies and all.” You stutter, trying to defend yourself. You began to bring up past events of you arguing with a Slytherin called Pansy and how it ended badly, showing him old bruises on your arm that were close to fading away. You then bring up another fight including a boy from your house and rambled on about how he blamed you for messing up a potion to which you secretly made it blow up in his face out of annoyance.

As you continue to rant, you didn’t notice Harry’s gaze on you. He knew all about you and how you are as a person, he knew this because he’s observed you for years. Harry figured that you didn’t know him too well as you saw him as a stranger but to him, you weren’t.

The two of you grew up in the same neighbourhood, practically living across from each other but a few houses down. Both of you also attended the same school and shared most classes together, yet throughout the years you didn’t seem to acknowledge his presence until now. 

This wasn’t a surprise to Harry as he was a quiet child and didn’t get on with the others in his year. He stayed reserved, spending most of his time in school sitting inside class with his teacher during break and lunchtime watching other children have fun. The teacher wouldn’t pay much attention to Harry but it didn’t bother him as he was much interested in watching you play on the field outside.

He was captivated by you. You were different from most girls in his year; you loved playing muggle sports as you would constantly single-handedly beat the boys at football. Gradually, he developed a crush on you. He would consistently hear stories from his classmates of how you would beat up bullies and stand up to anyone making fun of your friends, or rather anyone. You were strong for your age, in fact, you were always strong. 

Growing up, the stories would get crazier and Harry got a chance to witness it come alive. During one chilly December night, he stumbled upon the scene of you being harassed by two men. Irritated by their actions, Harry was about to call them out but in a blink of an eye; you quickly grab one of their arms and twist it, launching him over your shoulder and slammed him down on the ground. 

The other man shrieked in horror and ran away, bumping into Harry’s shoulder in the process. Satisfied, you calmly walk away from the groaning man and left a speechless Harry. From that moment onwards, his admiration for you tripled.

Not only were you strong, but you were also freakishly intelligent. Scoring ‘Outstanding’ grades in most of your classes to which you were one of the top students in Hogwarts, always positioning a place higher than Hermione (she hated that). 

Harry was abruptly pulled out of his thoughts as he sees you with your head tilted to the side, staring at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Hey, I asked if you were alright. Something wrong?”

“Oh, er, n-no. I was just thinking about something.”

“Ah,” You place your chin in both the palm of your hands, looking up at Harry. “Say, you haven’t told me how you got that scab. What happened?”

Harry sighed. “Umbridge.”

You roll your eyes, “Of course, I’m not surprised.” You stand up and sit beside Harry who scooches a bit to the side to make space. Although, due to how small the obstacle you guys were sat on, your hands were lightly brushing up against each other and Harry tried his best to keep calm and fight the uncontrollable blush.

“I don’t know why I’ve only just realised this but you were the guy that was with Cedric the night he died, right?” Harry turns his head to you, startled at the sudden change of topic. “And you’re the one who keeps saying that the Dark Lord has returned.”

No answer. Harry stays silent, he had a feeling that you were also going to make fun of him, call him a liar and walk off; forever ignoring his existence. But instead, he hears a soft giggle.

“Don’t worry, I believe you.”

Harry shoots you a confused look, “What, really?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

“It’s just... mostly everyone doesn’t, and they bully me for it.”

You frown at the new information before your face relaxes. “I’m so sorry that’s been happening to you Harry...” Harry shrugs and you couldn’t help but start to feel bad. “I wish it was different. If there was a way for me to help, I would--”

Harry’s head perks up; “Then help me.”

“What? Harry, I barely know you.”

“But I know you.”

“You don’t even know my name--”

“Y/N, your name is Y/N Y/LN.”

“Okay, now that’s weird.”

Harry shakes his head, “It’s a long story but we grew up in the same neighbourhood and attended the same primary school.”

“Oh,” That made sense. You were beginning to think you had a stalker. “How come I’ve only just met you today?” 

“Must be a magic spell I put on myself to be invisible.”

You playfully nudge him. “Oh shut up, a kid that young wouldn’t have been able to learn the spell for it yet.”

You both laugh and for a moment, Harry’s troubles had disappeared and he was enjoying the company, your company. As the laughter fades away, Harry turns back to staring at you and you question him, “What?”

“So, will you help me? With the bullying?” 

You bite your lip and ponder for a few minutes. An hour ago, he was just a stranger to you (and whoa, has it already been an hour?) yet it felt like you guys had already met before, like fate had brought him to you and perhaps offered you both to initiate a friendship or more. Wait, what were you thinking? You’ve only just met the guy!

Your eyes meet up with his once more and he gazes at you softly, waiting for an answer. You couldn’t help but feel even more bad for Harry. What were you going to say?

“Okay.”

●●●

The next morning had arrived and like always, Harry had to deal with the usual weird looks and whispers from the students that passed by him in the halls. Ron and Hermione would instantly glare at them to which they’d shut up and walk off but they knew they’d start whispering again once they turned their backs away.

Frustrated at her best friend’s ignorance, Hermione pulls Harry’s arm back causing the three of them to stop in their tracks. “Harry, aren’t you going to say or do something about this? You can’t just ignore them!”

Harry whips his arm out of her grasp causing Hermione to frown. “It’s nothing to worry about, I’ll be alright.”

“Alright?! How could you possibly feel alright when everyone is going around making a mockery of you--”

“Well, well, if it isn’t Potter.” The three of them turn to see Draco and his two other delinquent friends walk up to them, a smug look plastered across Draco’s face. “Finding it difficult these days, aren’t we?”

Ron scoffs, “Screw off Malfoy.” He nudges Harry and a mumbles a ‘let’s just go Harry.’ as him and Hermione start to walk away but Harry stays put.

“You know, I’m surprised you haven’t had enough and dropped dead just like poor Ceddy. You can both die as cowards.”

Harry steps closer, glowering at Draco. “Don’t you dare talk about Cedric like that.” 

Draco also steps closer, their foreheads almost touching each other as anger boils up within them. “Or what?” He shoves Harry back by the shoulders causing him to lose a bit of his balance but luckily enough Ron and Hermione were a few meters away to catch him in time.

Standing back up, he was about to lunge at Draco with his fists clenched up ready to land a punch but before he could, he was interrupted by shouting. 

“Hey Draco!”

Everyone turns around and sees you up behind Draco whose head wasn’t turned around in time. He didn’t get the chance to acknowledge who the person calling his name was as you punched him square in the face making him stumble back in pain and tripped on his feet, landing hard on his back. 

The rest stood there in horror and utter shock, their mouths slightly opened as their minds were trying to register what had just happened. Harry couldn’t believe it, you stood up for him. Were you watching the situation unfold?

Draco groans and looks up at you, pinching the sides of his nose bridge in an attempt to control his now bleeding nose. “What the fuck--”

“For your information blondie, Harry and Cedric aren’t cowards.” You slowly lean over Draco, peering down at him with narrowed eyes as you smirk. “And neither am I.” You wink and reached into your robes before throwing tissues at him, Draco watches them fall to the ground and your figure walks away, a pleased look on your face.

You make your way to the trio whose eyes were focused on you. You stand in front of Harry and hand him a potion. Harry, still speechless, stares at the unknown potion in his hands.

“It’s Murtlap Essence,” You lightly tap the sides of his hands that had his scab from last night. “Soak your hand with that, it’ll heal it.”

A warm smile appears on his face, the sides of his eyes crinkled making it more genuine. He was so thankful, he couldn’t seem to think of words to express his gratitude. For years, he was yearning for you to acknowledge his presence and the time finally came, better than what he expected it to turn out to be.

But his smile was enough for your heart to flutter and you started to notice his presence was stronger than ever before, you didn’t know why you hadn’t known him before but at least from now on; the image of his smile would burrow itself in your mind. This would be enough to want to know him more.

The two of you stare at each other for what seems like forever and the other two clear their throats, feeling awkward and unsure what to do or say. You and Harry switch back to reality and the realisation of staring at each other for a while makes you both flustered.

“Thank you Y/N, for everything. You didn’t need to punch Draco though,” Harry laughs and so did the rest of you.

You shake your head, “Nah, that pompous brat deserved it. I made sure to punch him hard so his father would hear about it.” You joked, giggling afterwards.

You faintly smile and point past the trio, indicating that you were going to take your leave. “I’ll see you soon Harry, yeah?” 

He nods and you stroll past him, but not even several meters away until Harry calls out for you: “Hogsmeade. This Saturday, would you come with--”

“Yes.”

You hastily answer back without stopping or glancing back but the both of you knew each one had supported an excited smile, both now looking forward to the date that was soon coming up.

As Harry watches your figure get smaller further down the hallways, he felt his admiration for you become extremely stronger. He saw you as his saviour, back then when he was young and vulnerable but managed to make his childhood happy despite the problems occurring in his household. He saw you as his saviour right now, where he is older and still vulnerable with the bullying and all, but once again, you made his life worthwhile; he didn’t have to worry as much anymore.

He has you by his side now, and he’ll do anything to protect you in return as an act of kindness. Just like what you did by defending him back then.

[fmdtaeyong]

restructuring update prompts

a prologue to officially re-introducing ash kwon // aka i decided to re-do this because i changed some parts of ash’s backstory and established career claims after i did this the first time and half of this wasn’t really true anymore rip

also there’s nowhere for me to put this in the answers anymore so i’ll put it here: circles is ash’s best song

content warning: mentions of alcohol abuse and drug use / abuse, but none of it is in-depth

assuming your muse has changed in some way, be it internally or as a result of a change of the external factors around them, how is your muse different?

for the most part, ash’s general personality and character has stayed the same. he’s the same angsty, creative, romantic dude at heart, but he’s a little more jaded in some ways.

ash moved around before he became a trainee now. he lived in san francisco, sydney, and seattle. when he lived in sydney, it was just him and his mom and he grew really close to her during that time. he doesn’t really feel like he has a home at all since seoul is the longest he’s ever lived somewhere, but he’s less happy so that’s not home either.

ash is a better technical singer now ig, being a main vocal. he focused more on singing as a trainee now instead of dancing. his ankle injury in 2018 was a little more serious now, which is why he doesn’t dance much in his solo music anymore. it’s also why he’s less interested in dance, but, at the same time, i think it leaves more potential for him to re-develop some love for it again.

he’s also now the maknae, although it’s a common joke in the fandom that he doesn’t act like it. he debuted a year and three months younger than before and he feels a lot more beholden to the industry now. has even less of an idea of what he’d be outside of it at this point, even though he got closer to actually leaving it than previous ash ever did.

he’s still had a couple of minor attitude controversies in titan’s early days caused by cultural differences. he was in public relationships in 2016 and 2019. neither were received well for their own reasons. his clubbing habit has gotten him into some controversy, though bc has never issued a statement on it beyond that one time they had to confirm the woman in a picture of him clubbing was his girlfriend because people were trying to accuse him of cheating. he has a passionate anti gallery and obsessive sasaengs that make his life a living hell.

since renewing his contract, ash has also had a few hiatuses of varying lengths due to his physical or mental health. this was true before with how he naturally developed, but it’s more tied together now as a result of generally poor physical and mental health he’s been experiencing for a few years now after his dating scandals and his ankle injury in 2018.

his image is more streamlined now too! he never really had the era of being pushed as a cleancut boyfriend that old ash had around 2018. he’s been marketed as a musical genius / sexy bad boy rockstar / artist with a tortured soul for as long as he’s been majorly pushed individually. this means he’s still very sexualized, but he hates his image a little less because he can be a little more himself as far as personal style and self-expression through tattoos and piercings goes.

what does your muse think of their company and their group?

this hasn’t really changed. ash has no real love for bc entertainment and wouldn’t really care if titan disbanded tomorrow. some of their music is good and some isn’t (though he considers less of it terrible without wolf and gorilla in the mix lmao), but he feels he’s mostly outgrown it as an artist. not that it’s below him, but it’s not what he connects with creatively, which is far more important to him now than it had been when he’d first debuted. he doesn’t hold ill will toward his groupmates unless he feels they’ve given him an individual reason to, and actually feels more guilty toward them for getting involved in scandals and taking hiatuses more than anything, but they’re also not his best friends. he views titan as a purely work endeavor and he doesn’t feel bad about the fact he got about as close as possible to leaving them without actually doing so that he could back during contract renewals. after all, they’d be fine without him. he’s a main vocal, but they’ve got two others. he’s a dancer, but they’ve got two others. he can write music, but titan has never been his main priority there and others are more than capable of doing it. he wants out of both the group and the company but is starkly aware of the fact that he did this to himself when he re-signed out of what he now perceives to have been impulse and greed.

since titan is the seniormost active group under bc, ash tries to be a good senior to his company juniors in general, but there are certainly more welcoming alternatives than him. he worries about them from a distance more than anything else.

is your muse on their first contract or their second? if they’ve renewed, what were their feelings around that at the time and what were their hopes for their second contract?

he’s on his second contract and he definitely regrets renewing. he hadn’t planned to renew for the longest time the lack of privacy and the public criticism and the hate he’d received were just too much, and he had plans that would require him to stop being an active idol, namely marrying his girlfriend of two and a half years at the time. their relationship wasn’t stable enough at the time for that to be a good idea and that was proven when they broke up shortly before final negotiations for contract renewals, but ash wanted an excuse to escape and the idea of a happy, normal life more than he wanted to be rational.

spite after the (very brief lmao) break up was part of his decision to renew, but bc entertainment also offered to support him as a songwriter and producer in addition to allowing him to regularly release solo music. he still really loved music and his first taste of promoting as a solo artist had been right before renewals as a proposal to sway him into re-signing, so he was swayed to sign on for seven more years. they followed through on their promises, but he struggles to weigh the recognition he’s earned as a solo artist and songwriter-producer against signing his life away again and doing a number on his physicla and mental health. most of his health issues and his hiatuses have happened during his second contract, as well as several behind-the-scenes situations that could have become scandals if they’d had any less luck, mostly stemming from ash drinking too much and his occasional recreational drug use, so he’s not sure bc even really feels the contract renewal was entirely worth it.

what are your muse’s goals and motivations?

if you asked ash this, he wouldn’t know what to answer. he doesn’t feel very motivated these days and pretty much feels like he only does anything because he’s contractually obligated to. making music as a form of expression has long been his main drive, and beyond that, the desire to make a mark on the world he can be remembered by through his music, but he often oscillates now between feeling like there’s not much more he can realistically achieve and the sense of hopelessness that he can try as hard as he wants, but his music’s never going to be what he’s defined by when he’s a public figure with an image.

he also feels a duty to make his parents proud. though i could argue that might be less now than it was in the previous iteration of ash, it’s still very much there. they let him come to seoul when he’d just turned thirteen to follow a dream that many never get to follow all the way through to the end and they believed in him fully. they express how proud they are of him when they do talk, but he doesn’t know that he believes them. he doesn’t feel that anything he’s done has been deserving of paying them back for everything they’ve given to him.

right now, he wants to be able to feel excited about his life and what he’s making again. he’s trying to better himself internally in regards to the way he views himself and his mental health, although he’s more prone to still taking steps backwards there than he was at this point previously. a lot of the ways ash has found to feel that excitement and creativity he wants (such as recreational drugs and excessive alcohol consumption and fleeting, sometimes toxic, relationships) do damage to his mental wellbeing, so it’s a balancing act at the moment.

what is one conflict, internal or external, that your muse is currently dealing with, has recently dealt with, or will need to deal with in the future?

i covered this partially with the last one, but one major conflict remains his internal conflict about his passion for music. this was very much where ash was before as well, but now that i’m really pushing songwriting and producing as his main career path, it presents a more equal professional and personal challenge for him.

more than having truly lost joy in making music, he’s burnt out. his latest album lovesick was emotionally exhausting because it was a partially rushed, deeply personal and vulnerable album exclusively based on an unhealthy relationship that had stretched its hold on him out over for almost six years, and then he went into making music that he couldn’t relate to at all and didn’t really fit his image all because bc thought it would sell well.

the burn out in his personal life has affected the burn out in his professional life he would be feeling anyway and made it ten times worse. it feels more hopeless because he doesn’t have much else going for him. in the past few months, his relationship with alcohol and drugs also reverted back to unhealthy after he was doing better with it for a while, not helped by a really bad stint with his mental health. all of this was at its worse in june before he went on hiatus, and in this universe, his behavior was more of a factor in his hiatus than him practically begging to leave the group because ash is more resigned to the fact that he chose to sign back on with bc and that that’s on him. instead, there was more of a push by his manager, who knew that ash was on the road to a major scandal if action wasn’t taken.

almost all of his conflicts are internal right now. he’s become successful enough that external factors other than the large umbrella of having to remain in titan can be negotiated, but he’s too tired to do so because of everything going on inside of him. there’s a lot of negative feelings going on inside of him, and he’s trying to deal with them one by one, but it’s hard to see the weight of them easing that way.

if your muse has established career claims, what are their thoughts on their career so far? if they do not, how do they feel about not having individual activities yet? what would they like to do in the future, if anything? if they don’t have ambitions for individual activities, explain why.

ash has been able to establish himself a little more as a songwriter and producer outside of his solo music. he wrote “universe” for titan in 2017, and after that, as promised, bc hooking him up with the right opportunities and connections to establish himself more. since then, in addition to his heavy involvement in his solo music (his 2020 album lovesick was entirely written/composed/produced by him alone), he’s worked on calypso’s “rollin’” in 2018, polaris’s “fake love” (a korean music awards song of the year!) and “the truth untold” in 2019, and lily’s “i’m so sick” this year. i’m planning on more being added there with these extra ecp and maybe some refunded since i think i’m going to drop some of his points claims to streamline his career better.

his canon discography creative claims reflect his progression as a songwriter, from very earnest and romantic to more sensual to very uhhh angsty and personal to developing a more polished and professional sound as he grew in experience as a songwriter and producer.

ash is praised for having several representative works as a songwriter that all speak to his individual style, and ash is happy with what he’s gotten to do since he does genuinely enjoy working as a songwriter and producer.

he’s planning to continue branching out in this direction, so look for quite a lot of ash dabbling in canon discographies in the future. before, i’d say ash’s primary push was solo music, but my plan for him is for songwriting and producing to be his main career path from now on with solo music as a close secondary.

[isaacthedruid]

Steven Universe’s Representation and Music: an informal essay

As the first animated Cartoon Network show created entirely by a woman, Steven Universe’s run lasted for five seasons, a movie and a sequel-epilogue series. The show was far from perfect and its fandom wasn’t the best either but there is something so special about a show that followed lesbian space rocks and a young boy saving the world.

More specifically Steven Universe is about a young boy named Steven, who is half-Gem, half-human who protects the town of Beach City from evil. Gems are a kind of alien who take on the form of pastel-coloured women, to better assimilate with the rest of the world.

Rebecca Sugar, the creator, explains her colourful characters in a behind-the-scenes promo:

“I always dreamed of making a show that would have this mix of fantasy and reality. So, I wanted to make these fantasy characters that enjoy being with Steven as much, if not more than they enjoy being fantasy characters. The characters aren’t perfect and that’s what makes them so great.”

Steven’s family are known as the Crystal Gems, a group of rebels who fought against their government thousands of years ago and now live on earth. Steven’s mom, Rose Quartz was at the forefront of the fight, she did extremely terrible things and when she gave up her gem—-so Steven could be born—-she was left unable to form a body ever again. Steven, with only his dad and three alien women, must attempt to fix her messes and deal with the repercussions of his mother’s actions.

One of the main mechanics within the series is known as fusion, in which two or more Gems become a single being who is stronger and more powerful. The fused form takes on the physical, mental and emotional aspects of those who are part of the bond. As mentioned and discussed many times within this blog, fusions are a physical embodiment of different kinds of relationships. And for a show starring a primarily female cast, they do not shy away from using this mechanic to tell queer stories.

So explicitly that in 2018, the show had the first-ever lesbian wedding in a cartoon. Of course, representation wasn’t always as accepted in Steven Universe. Just two years before the big wedding, higher-ups at Cartoon Network told Rebecca Sugar, they not happy with the multiple queer relationships, so much so that they were ready to threaten cancellation.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, she expressed:

“If this is going to cost me my show that’s fine because this is a huge injustice and I need to be able to represent myself and my team through this show and anything less would be unfair to my audience.”

Being LGBT herself, identifying as bisexual and non-binary, representation is important to her. For many queer people, especially grown-ups, they hope to see themselves represented in kids’ media today as they never had growing up. They want nothing more for children’s shows to say that being “different” or not fitting in with our heteronormative society is actually normal.

Within Steven Universe, you can find woman-loving-woman relationships, non-binary and intersex characters, woman-loving-non-binary relationships, asexual coded characters and basically every other letter in the acronym.

Rebecca Sugar even acted as the exciting force for LGBT inclusion within Adventure Time, originally working as a writer and storyboard artist before leaving to create her own show. She pushed for making the ex-romantic queer couple to be canonically part of the story and for it to not just coded into the dialogue.

A few years later, she returned to the show, multiple times, to compose over 20 songs that would air over the series 10-year-long run such as, “I’m Just Your Problem” which had lesbian subtext that would be confirmed later.

Some other iconic songs including “Fry Song“, “Remember You“, “Good Little Girl“, “Everything Stays” and even the finale song, “Time Adventure“.

Much like the show as a whole, there is something so special about the music she writes. In total, there were over 160 songs written for the franchise, some being short little tunes, no longer than a minute while others were full-blown musical numbers. No matter, all of them have their place within the show. Often when the character can’t express lines through speech, music is utilized to provide a more raw and poignant portrayal of their emotions.

Why Steven Universe is so widely loved is due to the music, as the overall story is not even close to perfect. Yet, everyone can agree on one thing, the music is unbelievably good. What is interesting is the different styles of melodies and backtracking used in the various songs, even more impressive is that every character has their own instrumental motif.

Steven’s motif is the ukelele as he is often seen playing the instrument himself, performing short little melodies and even writing the in-show version of the theme song. Additionally, Steven’s music uses a large amount of Chiptune synth, electronic music which is created using a programmable sound generator. Both instruments have a very childlike feeling to them, Chiptune especially as it is normally used in video game music like The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, one of the main musical inspirations for the show. As Steven is the lead, most of the music has Chiptune somewhere in the score and fun fact, the first song in the show, sung by Steven, “Cookie Cat” was actually written on an old Gameboy.

Amethyst is very loud and fun, her motif is electric drums which is extremely reflective of her character. As she can be angry from convincing herself that she is not good enough to happy and giggling from pranking Steven, her instrument can be used in so many ways as she is not a simple character. No matter what, for the few songs Amethyst has on her own (or in the score), her drums provide such an interesting emotional response to the situation.

Garnet is a fusion, so her motif is actually the combination of two instruments. Ruby is a drumbeat as she is a fiery and loud character, she is chaotic while Sapphire is her opposite. Sapphire is calm and collected, she has ice-related powers and is represented by Synth music. The characters together have a perfect unity, expressed by Garnet’s synth bass sounds, she is the equilibrium of two very contrasting characters. The music associated with Garnet, uses primarily the synth bass but Ruby and Sapphire’s individual instruments can be heard throughout her music. All three instruments are also heavily representative as Garnet’s main dancing style is Hip Hop which clashing with others’ softer dancing styles.

Despite, not being alive during the show, Rose Quartz still has her own musical motif as she plays a large part in Steven’s growth throughout the series. As well as being in many flashbacks, she is represented with strings, more specifically, the violin. Rose’s story is rather sad which quite is visible within her associated music, yet, she was also an extremely powerful character as she led the fight against the Homeworld government. Her strength can be heard with strong uplifts and swells in the music. She is never seen playing an instrument unlike the rest of the main characters but one person who plays hers is Pearl, a character Rose was possibly in love with.

For the complex and beautiful character, Pearl, her motif is classical and swing piano. She is visually represented as a ballerina for a large majority of the series, dressed in a leotard, a small skirt and ballet shoes. Apart from Garnet, she is one of the calmest characters in the show. She is a perfectionist and is knowledgeable on many topics. She has a dark past and her fair share of trauma, all of this is wrapped up in her music. From her traumatic past with Rose Quartz, the violin had been heard throughout her music, yet, when she finally dealt with everything, the violin was lost. Swapped out for a new instrument, a bass guitar which she learned how to play at the end of the series. Pearl is a character who has been through a lot and her music reflects it. As she grew, her music changed with her, becoming her own instead of something built off of Rose’s.

My personal favourite song is “It’s Over Isn’t It?” which is this heartwrenching and emotionally painful ballad sung by a broken woman. Pearl was in love with Steven’s mom. Yet, the feelings were not mutual or at least ended being reciprocated as Rose left her for Greg, Steven’s dad. It hurts because Rose didn’t just leave her, Rose Quartz also passed away. As the song goes:

That they didn’t really matter until you I was fine when you came And we fought like it was all some silly game Over her, who she’d choose After all those years, I never thought I’d lose … You won and she chose you and she loved you and she’s gone It’s over, isn’t it? Why can’t I move on? … Who am I now in this world without her? Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her What does it matter? It’s already done Now I’ve got to be there for her son

Without Rose, Pearl has lost her place in the world as all she ever knew was her. Yet, now she is left to help raise a half-human baby and go on with her life. It makes it more difficult as this baby is the product of Rose and the man that she left Pearl for.

Pearl doesn’t want to hate Greg, she is angry at him but she doesn’t have hatred towards him. They may not be the best of pals at the start of the series but in the song called “Both of You“ has Steven, finally, begging for Greg and Pearl to just talk to each other.

Why don’t you talk to each other? Why don’t you talk to each other? Just give it a try Why don’t you talk about what happened? … You might not believe it but you got a lot in common, you really do You both love me and I love both of you … I know you both need it Someone who knows what you’re going through

An interesting thing about this song is that Steven is this to them, the person with Rose’s gem is singing to the two people who fought over Rose. It makes me wonder if this could be Rose speaking through Steven to her two loved ones. Whether it is or not, doesn’t really matter to the overall story but it is a fun idea to look at.

Overall, these songs are a literal representation of dealing with ones’ emotions in a healthy way, something that Steven Universe actively tries to teach their younger viewers about.

To say Steven Universe is a good show only for its music would be a false statement, it’s one of the strongest aspects but without the story or the characters, the music would fall flat and not have any of its passion.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt.68

Oversleeping by accident, Lance woke cuddled in all directions. Blue near his head, Keith in his arms, Kosmo laying along his back. He and Keith hadn’t talked much, they’d napped, watched a movie that Lance fell asleep during. Keith teased him over it, so they’d put on a movie Keith wanted to watch, then they’d both fallen asleep during it. Shiro brought some clothes and things by for them. Chocolate and blood for him, food for Keith, Kosmo and Blue, clothes for Keith... essentials Keith must have asked his brother for.

Waking Keith up, his boyfriend was his usual zombie self, Lance prodding him along to the shower and do his teeth. For no real good reason he could think of he’s started crying watching Keith brush his teeth. His boyfriend was an aggressive brusher, and Lance knew not to interrupt lest he be stabbed by the toothbrush.

When they came out to no coffee, Keith looked a broken man. Lance dressing in a hurry, grabbing up his phone and wallet, then waiting for Keith to get dressed before promising to buy him coffee. Going out for breakfast would make a nice change, and he needed the distraction thanks to his stupid emotions. Watching a sleepy Keith patting a sleepy Kosmo made him cry all over again, Blue pausing in her grooming to shoot him an extremely judgemental look, like she knew he humans were going out and wondering how long she must be subjected to them before they left. Getting Keith moving again, Kosmo was harnessed up, the walk would do the pup good. If he was too tired, hopefully he wouldn’t be too destructive during the briefing that they’d blown off the day before.

Keith didn’t appreciate the walk to get coffee, and didn’t want to eat anything solid. His grump factor was high, Lance unable to do anything about getting that caffeine into Keith’s blood stream any faster than he was. Sitting in the cafe a block and a half up the road from VOLTRON, Keith barely had time to get through his first cup before Shiro was calling to “ask where they were” and “reminding him they had a very important briefing that they couldn’t skip out on”. Keith acknowledged Shiro in a series of grunts, with the use of the word “coffee”. Shiro must have understood they were getting coffee as Keith hung up the phone with a deep groan, not needing to fill Lance in as he’d heard as it was. It hardly made for the nice distracting breakfast last was hoping for. But it was nice to be outside with Keith, plus they hadn’t gotten in trouble for bringing Kosmo into the cafe.

As they walked back to work, Keith finished his second cup of coffee, now awake enough to talk English again

“Thanks for that, babe... can’t human without my coffee”

Keith looked as if he’d climbed out of hell and was ready to wage war if he didn’t have his morning coffee. The world in danger until the beast was fed, and Lance found it completely adorable provided Keith wasn’t being snappy

“I know, babe. I wish you’d eaten though”

Keith shook his head. They would have been even later if they’d eaten, but Lance was always the hopeless romantic. A nice quite breakfast with his boyfriend and their dog. At least they’d had half an hour in the outside world. He missed the sun...

“I don’t know how you put up with me in the mornings”

Lance cast a quick look around, the people outside were all too focused on their own lives to care, Lance kissing Keith’s cheek

“Years of practise. And I make special exceptions for the man I like”

Making as if taking Kosmo’s lead, Keith wrapped his hand around Lance’s, but didn’t take the lead from him. Lance’s cheeks dusting at holding his boyfriend’s hand in public

“I’m lucky I have you... Shiro’s going to be cranky. He said he wanted to talk before the briefing”

Keith mentioned that... Lance hadn’t expected an early morning briefing or he might have let Shiro caffeinate Keith. They’d climbed out of bed at 8:30. Lance normally awake from about 6am

“We overslept. We both needed the rest”

He still felt like he needed the rest. It sucked. He’d had plenty of blood the night before, but he felt slow and lethargic, like his inner hermit was trying to turn him into a hermit crab. He could have easily pulled his shell on and slept on the pavement if it’d been safe

“Yeah... How are you feeling?”

“Still a bit tired and emotionally drained. You?”

Keith mumbled

“Kind of the same. It was nice having us time”

Lance’s cheeks grew redder as he nearly tripped over air. It was nice. No fighting. No talking about serious things. Just him and Keith, with Kosmo and Blue, as they watched movies on his laptop. Keith had even indulged in a rom-com Lance had seen at least a dozen times. He’d pointed out that Lance was without his usual red wine and blood, offering to send Shiro to pick up a bottle for him

“It was. I’m sorry I’ve been crying”

“As long as you’re okay, babe. I’m sorry I couldn’t function enough to ask properly”

Keith didn’t ask with his words. He asked with the soft touches on his arms... or attempts at soft touches, they were more like uncoordinated smacks

“I know you’re terrible without your coffee... and I would have told you if it was something else. I feel like crying because you asked me”

Keith squeezed his hand

“If the briefing gets too hard, or you’re uncomfortable, tell me. We... we’re taking this slow, and we’re both still getting over things”

His stomach kind of hurt, but touching it didn’t feel right... He liked it better when Keith quietly held him with hand against his belly. He didn’t feel so scared when it was Keith

“I know... Shit... I’m about to cry again. I wish these hormones would get it together”

“Me too, babe... I don’t like seeing you cry. Though, you do cry a lot”

At least twice a day. Feeling his emotions was important and helped him feel more human

“I don’t like crying over nothing. I cried because you brushed your teeth, how much more whack can you get?”

Keith nodded sympathetically

“That is pretty bad”

“I know! Then you and Kosmo were being so cute that I had to cry and now you’re being nice and I want to cry. I feel like I could probably fart then cry over that. It’s ridiculous”

Keith turned his head, shooting him a soft smile. With the morning sunlight, his boyfriend looked like some kind of emo angel. His smile should be illegal this early in the morning. God, he was weak for Keith’s smile

“Maybe a little. It’ll get better”

“Yeah. I have the best boyfriend to help me out”

“I don’t know about that”

“You remembered I wanted chocolate. Could have married you on the spot”

What was he saying now? Lance kicked himself mentally. He was trying not to scare his boyfriend off, not dump love and marriage on him. He was too stupid for words. He should have got himself something other than tea

“You can thank Shiro for that. He asked if we needed anything and reminded me”

“Babe, we were both so out of it yesterday, you deserve a gold star for remembering”

Keith’s cheeks turned red, Lance leaning in to kiss his cheek with a laugh

“Okay. Let’s save some of that energy for the briefing. But thank you”

Keith sighed deeply, Lance thinking he was about to be told off by his boyfriend because “he wasn’t a kid”. Instead, he found himself snorting with laughter when Keith said

“I don’t want to adult”

Keith ignored his brother as they joined everyone else in the conference room after Lance had taken Kosmo back to their room. Taking him by the hand, his boyfriend led him over to the two free chairs between Rieva and Allura. The vampire felt like an old man as Keith sat him down, before sitting beside him and taking his hand. Lance was mortified over the previous day and tired, not at all in the mood for this. He missed his glasses, they’d been crushed by accident in his rush to ride Keith.

“Nice to see you, Lance. Keith. Sorry your coffee date got cut short. You two deserved a break after your heat. Two days... longest yet”

Lance couldn’t manage sarcastic reply to return Curtis’s greeting. He’d clung to Curti’s horn, terrified he was about to ruin everything with Keith. What he didn’t expect was a fresh wave of tears to start rolling down his face. He didn’t particularly sad or sorry for himself, he just felt tired and wanted to be there to support Keith. Shiro was looking at him weirdly, and he couldn’t quite seem to pull himself together

“Sorry... Hi, Curtis... hi, guys...”

Lame. God. He needed to get it together again. He’d embarrassed himself plenty in front of all of them before. Coran shot him a sympathetic glance, Lance trying not to look at him

“Lance still a little exhausted. Heats are a lot, as our Rieva and Matt would know”

Keith had moved his chair a little away from Rieva, kind of like putting a wall between them. Rieva didn’t care. Rolling closer she placed her hand on his arm, leaning in to whisper softly

“I know how it feels after. Your body tells you to be disappointed, even if you’re relieved. You’re okay now. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Matt and I know what it’s like to be wolves using contraceptives... you can talk to us about it. We’ve missed you”

Rieva kissed him on the cheek. She didn’t get it, but she kind of did. More than anyone else in the room. He guessed he hadn’t thought about the empty feeling for Rieva before. It must take a lot to keep their egos under control and not blame each other for not conceiving. He’d been trying not to think about it...

“Thanks...”

“You’re welcome, cute stuff... now I better roll, Keith looks murderous”

“Doesn’t he always when the coffee’s still kicking in?”

Matt snorted, Rieva smiling as she moved back to her boyfriend’s side. Keith tried to move closer to him, which wasn’t happening thanks to the chairs

“Babe?”

“I’m okay... tell you later”

Being stared at by everyone was uncomfortable as hell. Rieva had been trying to be kind, and she was, but he felt like he had too much attention. He didn’t want attention. His heat had happened and if they could kindly not be sitting there quietly judging, that’d be great

“Now, yes. Lance is...”

Ugh. If it wasn’t Curtis, it was Coran. People needed to stop fussing

“Exhausted and hormonal, and without his glasses. We get it. Coran, can we please just start?”

“I was simply... Ah, yes. I see how this might be embarrassing, but we are amongst friends here. Lance’s mood will bounce back as his hormone levels return to normal”

And there he went again. Lance wanted to slide under the table and die... permanently.

Clearing his throat, Keith drew everyone’s attention away from him, Lance scared for a moment that his boyfriend was about to snap at everyone for making Lance so self conscious

“Coran, I think we should move on. What happened doesn’t need to be discussed like this. We’ve already talked about it and this is supposed to be a briefing”

Keith standing up for him made him feel all glowy inside. His boyfriend didn’t hate him or blame him for the near miss. Coran was lucky Keith had caffeine slowly seeping into his system so hadn’t started yelling

“Very well then. Then I guess the first point to mention is that Blades of Marmora will be sending a team led by your mother to discuss our current situation and the recent arrival of Sendak in Platt. Sendak is a high ranking official working for Zarkon. Unfortunately it was his pheromones that caused Lance to react. A nasty piece of work that barely leaves Europe. The Blade’s wish to intercept and detain Sendak, to be prosecuted. Which places this place in an awkward situation as he reached out to inform us he was here to monitor Lotor’s actions”

Lance didn’t care why Sendak was there. Keith was all he cared about and Keith wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be told his mother was coming. He lacked enough coffee for a bombshell like that

“When will they arrive?”

His boyfriend’s tone was cold. Lance feeling like the hand holding his might burn him from how cold those words had been

“Friday coming. Four days from now”

“She’ll be here before that”

Across the table Shiro looked concerned. Matt hadn’t tried to joke either. Matt had probably heard from Shiro about Krolia

“Very well. I’ll be making preparations to house them here. They haven’t provided us with details of how long they’ll be here for, but the team they are sending is compromised of werewolves. I’m assuming you’ll be able to brief us on who we can expect”

Keith pushed his chair back, on his feet and moving towards the door before Shiro could half stand. Lance stood, if Keith was angry he didn’t want him taking it out on Shiro. They were both upright and moving, but they both had a head full of other thoughts. A near miss. A potential baby. Family Keith didn’t know how to have

“I’ll go”

Allura softly said his name

“Lance...”

“I’ve got this”

Catching up to Keith was easy. The idiot hadn’t gotten very far, having punched the very solid wall next to the door. Closing the door behind him, Lance crouched down beside Keith who was staring it his busted knuckles

“Wanna tell me?”

“I hit the wall”

“I can see that. Wanna come back to my room?”

Keith nodded, clearly overcome with his feelings and not knowing how to say what he wanted say

“Come here”

*

Keith didn’t want to be carried, Lance didn’t particularly care as he piggybacked his boyfriend back to his room. Setting Keith on the bed, Lance ruffled Keith’s hair

“You’re over thinking it”

“I stormed out the meeting”

“Okay. Yeah... but, we have had the mother of a last 24 hours. A potentially pregnant boyfriend. Me crying all the time. You barely caffeinated. Coran should have warned you ahead... ugh... this is probably what Shiro wanted to talk about... Now, we’re going to have a briefing of our own”

Lance counted on his fingers as he listed. Hoping Keith would find it funny.

Keith raised his head to look at him

“You’re not going to ask?”

Keith had been through enough. They’d been through enough for now. Skipping a second briefing wasn’t great, but that was too much to spring on Keith suddenly. They’d all been so quick to talk about him, but what about Keith was going through too?

“Babe. You’ve told me enough for me to know. I know work there wasn’t fun. I wouldn’t want to see the people who hurt me either. But you know, we don’t need them and their fancy werewolf squad. We’ve got our own squad. Shiro. You. Half-cursed Curtis. Two faes. Two werewolves and me. Half our squad knows this place better than any stinky Rome Wolves ever could. And we have the greatest person for advice in the Earth on our side. I’m going to grab a blood bag and your going to get your phone out”

Keith scrunched his brow up

“Why?”

“Because fuck today. Message Shiro and tell him you’re okay... because we’re going to be talking about it all”

Lance was feeling determined now... Determined to help Keith and give him back some of his confidence

“We’re going to have our briefing, mullet. You’ve got all the information on your phone. Now you missed out on what Rieva had to say... We’ll get some boards and markers and pens, and make our own investigation boards”

Keith snapped

“You’re not a hunter! You don’t know how this works! It’s not a fucking game. It’s not a joke. We’ve looked at this for weeks and now they’re coming in because none of our work was good enough! I fucked my mission to kill you. Can’t find a fucking serial killer. My mother barely acknowledges my existence. I’m just her son when she wants or when people want to point out all my fucking flaws! James and his werewolf pack made my life hell. I punched my old instructor so fucking hard I blinded him in one eye. I don’t know how to be good enough. Everything I could possibly do was never good enough there. Now they’re here. They’re coming here”

Keith had found his words.

“Yeah. Well, fuck them. They don’t fucking know my city. They don’t even know my boyfriend. I know I’m just a lawyer and probably a liability, but if they’re going to be arseholes, I’m going to enjoy working this out before them. People's lives are at danger. I don’t want that life, but I can sure as hell use these messed up senses of mine to work this the fuck out. If they can’t see you and your potential, then fuck them. As for your mum, I don’t know what to say about that, only she’s missing out on knowing the most amazing man. They treated you like shit, but here you have all of us. You have me. You have Shiro. You have Coran, Curtis, Allura, Rieva and Matt. Coran runs this place to help people. So we’re going to help. I want to help. We make a good team when we actually figure out how to talk. Now, get your phone out. I want to go through everything from the very beginning. All of it. Allura’s briefed me. I know what Rieva said. We’re going to work this out”

Lance’s ego may have flared, but Keith hating on himself pissed him off so much. Keith was a good guy. He was just awkward as hell and being bullied by coworkers wasn’t cool at all. He didn’t want to know the Blades if they let this shit happen.

Keith ran his hands through his hair, ignoring the way Kosmo was trying to get his attention

“Why are you so angry? They... I’m the one with the problem!”

His anger loaf was as bad a his

“I’m angry because you deserve to be respected and seen as you. Not Krolia’s son. Not Shiro’s little brother. You. I have a problem when people hurt my boyfriend. I know you and Shiro started again, but that’s the thing, you two are new here and your working your arses off to make those connections that Coran’s had for years. They’re not here because of the murder. They’re here because Loturd and Sendick dumped a heap of trouble in our fucking laps because there egos are so big they’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a human. Keeping hold of that human side is what keeps us sane. What keeps humans tucked up in their beds all safe and sound. You’re not a super hero, you’re Keith Kogane. And I very much appreciate you”

Lance’s stomach grumbled from the tea. Keith looked lost as he continued stared to up at him. Looking back down, Keith fisted his jeans, or tried to, fingers curling but the tight fabric didn’t move

“If... if you’re going to meet Krolia, I should... tell you more about her”

Now was not the time to throw up. Keith needed comfort. Sitting down beside him, he placed his hand over his boyfriend’s

“Okay. If you want to, that’s okay. Like you said, good or bad, I want to know”

“I don’t know how to start. She abandoned my father and I. She left us. She didn’t even come back when he died. I waited and I waited... until someone must have remembered I existed. I kept waiting... even after the funeral... I never saw his... I never saw him again. I... I had so many nightmares. So many dreams. I kept wondering what he must have been thinking about. Did he regret not seeing me again? Why didn’t he get out earlier? Why did it have to be him?”

Keith started to cry, Lance moving to draw him against him. Mornings were never friendly to his boyfriend. Two bad mornings in a row wasn’t fair

“I don’t know. I don’t know and it wasn’t fair. He deserved to be there to see the man you’ve grown into”

“I’m not a good man. I ran away. I stole. I ate out of garbage cans. Broke into places... I... dad had this place in the middle of nowhere I just wanted to get back there”

“Keith, I’m going to ask you a very important question. When you ran away. We’re you safe? Did you have the money for the things you needed? Or did you do what you had to do to keep living?”

“I...”

“No. You didn’t. You did what you had to. You were scared and alone”

“I was bad. I didn’t eat what they gave me. I told them I couldn’t have milk and they didn’t believe me. They thought I was faking being sick. I had nightmares. I was angry and done. I can’t even remember their faces anymore. I know there had to be good people. But I can’t remember their faces”

“You lost your dad. You were a kid and you had no one to support you like you needed”

Rubbing Keith’s arm, Lance didn’t know how to make up for all those years of pain. He was lucky he had his family, while Keith was trapped in a system that was way too overstretched as it was. Lance had major respect for the system when it worked. Not everyone knew how to help people, and sometimes trying only made these problems worse without meaning to.

“I thought... mum left because she regretted having me. She said it was to keep me safe, but she never came for me when I needed her. We can barely talk. I feel like I disappointed her by being alive”

Krolia was off the Christmas card list

“That’s not true! God. Babe. No. You’re human. We make mistakes. I’m not as perfect as you think I am or make me feel. You’re not a disappointment. Have she ever told you that? To your face?”

“No... but...”

He’d been told and knew exactly what that felt like. Not by his Mami though

“Trust me. I don’t think you are. I think you throw yourself head first into everything because you don’t want to lose anything else. I think we need to talk with your mum. I have a few choice words to say to her. I know I don’t understand because my life has been very different from yours, but I swear I don’t see a disappointment when I look at you”

“How can you not? I fucked your life up”

“You did, but you gave me something more. You gave me my first friendship that wasn’t because you worked here and because I had to hide myself. I don’t regret meeting you. Even when you wouldn’t listen to me about not being a vampire. I’d totally take having that same argument every day with you to spend more time with you”

He’d rather not have that argument. Keith had been denser than ill baked rolls

“Please don’t tell her... she’s going to think I’m so stupid. I think I’m stupid... I can’t believe I tried to drink blood”

Lance pressed half a dozen kisses to Keith’s hair. He might punch Krolia but that’d be about it... And he needed to have a stern word with Shiro. And another talk with Coran

“I’m not about to tell her. Okay. I need to throw up, and you need to clean that hand up. And we need cuddles... and chocolate. I know none of that is easy to talk about”

“I feeling pretty talked out”

“Then it’s definitely time for food and cuddles... and I need to message Curtis. We’ll need supplies. We’ll make a start on our own and then talk to the others”

“Can... can Shiro and Curtis... help?”

Keith wanted Shiro close and Lance couldn’t blame him, even if he was slightly sad he wasn’t enough for Keith at the moment

“Sure. Message Shiro. I want you to feel safe here. This room is a safe place for us. Zero judgment and anyone who judges gets a dick punch and sent into the hall”

“Babe, you can’t punch everyone in the dick”

“I can if they upset you”

“I don’t deserve you”

“Nah. You’re like the only one in the world to put up with me. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. Now, we’ve got work to do”

[leam1983]

It’s the end of the work week and, well...

I’m having thoughts on labor culture.

My father was born in 1958. He lived as the son of an absent father of five children who had no ability to truthfully express his love and care, and who instead chose to bury himself in work as a means to display his commitment. My paternal grandfather made and sold mattressees and died quite young of a cancer strain that today would’ve seemed benign. He was described as a hard worker, either up to his neck in his business or wanting just a scant few hours per day to himself. It made an aloof lover out of him and a distant father - who still loved his wife and children to bits but who felt emotionally castrated in a sense, as were men of the era.

The family consensus is that his work killed him.

My father is now 65 and survived a bout of Non-Hodgkinian Lymphoma. The oncologist and anyone with half a brain agreed that stress was the culprit. Early on, Dad had the family as an excuse for his tendency to overwork. He had to provide for us, after all, and garnish my mother’s meagre savings. All she has is her government-issued pension plan, while my father does have his own pension as a retiree of the City of Montreal’s Real-Estate Appraisal service. Considering, he felt obligated to pull a heavier load to bring in more, so they’d have better investment opportunities. Later on, he kept working out of a sense of fealty and attachment to his division, breaking out of retirement during the pandemic to join the work-from-home team. He wanted to help techs and city officials find ways to bring more of the traditionally snail-mail-based parts of the system online so the city’s Land Management service wouldn’t be paralyzed by COVID-19. What was supposed to be a single month turned into four, which turned into twelve.

By the end, they were begging him to stay on the team and to pull longer hours. We’re talking twenty hours per day, in some particularly grueling stretches. That means being logged in by breakfast and scarfing bagels down with Urban Design techs on Zoom instead of your own family, or having supper with your boss because she needs a play-by-play of the situation to stave off her executive anxiety.

Long story short, I didn’t see Dad much during the first wave. His reasoning was that he’d eventually stop, pool all this cash, and chuck it into his and Mom’s Registered Retirement Savings Account - with maybe an extra two thou or so in case the country reopened enough for their postponed trip to Cuba to take place.

Guess what? His zona flared up and he ended up with odd, shingly bumps along his scalp which to this day the local dermatologist grimaces at and tentatively has us dab with cortisone cream.

Mom, though? She’s a retired and registered nurse with a self-negating streak and a chronic propensity to undervalue her own physical ailments. Someone who quite literally understands the pain of busted hips on a clinical level because she was trained in Gerontology - and also someone who refuses to schedule an appointment with her GP and who inexplicably self-medicates with white wine.

As for me, I’m a 37 year-old man with a paycheck I consider massive with its meagre six bucks above the minimum-wage threshold - someone who chose to shack in with his folks until the current crisis ends and who therefore has a history of a single, willingly terminated apartment lease that originally began in the Planned Housing market. The apartment I want is basically a Barbie doll house for adults, a gleaming fantasy I’ll never have enough capital to touch unless I feel like trying my hand with criminal applications of my skills. The apartment I can get right now is a shithole, and I have the audacity to think I deserve a shithole that at least wasn’t someone’s former cockroach den.

Now here’s the kicker: I value my sanity and my health. I know my mental stamina levels and I know from experience that after working seven-point-five hours per day with the occasionally shorter Friday, I’ve found my limit. I could invest more if I worked more, yes, and I’m already in a better position than my parents, retirement-wise. I’ll never be rich, but I’m already set to be comfortable, provided I don’t spend my golden years trying to make it as an unsponsored TechTuber or anything else that’s equally ludicrous.

Where that’s a problem is in the toxicity this is generating. See, I have the gall to slide my daily schedule later so I can start at an hour that fits my biological clock and ends at an hour where I’m at my most creative. That means the folks saw me spending my pandemic mornings on Animal Crossing while Dad was trying to wrangle Excel spreadsheets for non-tech-savvy fellow Boomers while preventing the dog from eating his meeting notes. That means they guzzled vinho verde like it was Kool-Aid after seven while I made sure to find more concrete means to distance myself from work - ideally ones that didn’t involve functional alcoholism.

Naturally, what was bound to happen, happened: Dad soon spent his evenings calling me shiftless or “unwilling to commit”, while I was stuck watching him miss all the cues his stressed-out body were sending him. We already had Trump’s last desperate months and a global plague to handle, I really didn’t want my work to turn into more of a nuisance than it already is. I already love the people I work for and hate what I do (repeating the family cycle, it seems), but I’ve at least decided to give myself ample Me time every single day. 

I’ve paired that with smaller, if consistent portfolio investments, along with a few new habits I wanted to get into to stay saner. Dad pulls crosswords or plays competitive chess in the wee hours, while I usually lay down to meditate around midnight and fall asleep by 1 AM at the latest. I’m half-expecting my father to pull a Tyler Durden and to sneer at me, at some point. “Self-care is masturbation,” he’d probably say.

Looking at classifieds for rentals, it’s obvious that the entire system is predicated on abuse. Work yourself down to the therapist’s office, right down to the fucking bone, and you just might earn a half-decent retirement because nobody’s taught you to invest incrementally. Nope, Society seems to say, you’re supposed to buy, buy and buy some more, until you realize you have ten years left to start from scratch!

I remember Dad’s face on my eighteenth birthday. “Why would you want a Disability Care Savings Account, Brain? You just turned into a legal adult by Canadian standards - you’re in no rush, right?”

I told him the real gift I wanted for my birthday, that day, was a ride to the family’s Financial Investments counsel. I pulled up the PDFs I’d printed out and filled and brought them over. From then on, if I dropped a penny in my nest-egg, Ottawa would drop another one. If my share grew, so did the government’s. In the twenty-odd years since, it’s expanded exponentially.

Dad thought I’d done this to have a big cushion by the time I’d retire. Mom thought I’d done this in case my disability worsened and I started requiring equipment or physical assistance. Honestly, my dumb, if slightly prescient eighteen year-old self figured I’d rather spend my time reading or playing video games than working. I knew I’d need something to help cushion my admittedly low career-related ambitions. I might throw several thousands at a new computer every seven to eight years, but that’s because I’ve saved them up for just as long, little by little. I have no vices beyond what sillicon offers and what you’d find in the pages of a book and don’t exactly need a big ‘ol, stonkin’ humidor stuffed with conoisseur stogies.

I have a shoebox with a poked-out Ziploc bag and a sponge, with a handful of joints and a few Santa Anas I got off of a buyer’s pool from work. Five of us occasional chair-bar goons pooled cash together on Cigar Chief and cushioned prices with a single, shared and massive order. I’m nowhere near rich, but assuming the housing market can catch its breath eventually, I’ll be able to live modestly - with one or two markers of occasional luxury I’ll have chosen.

I have a shittier job than my father has had and I’ve chosen to be happier than him. It’s just sad that the usual response elevates overwork as the supposedly one, true way to leave a mark in society.

No, Dad. I don’t want to die while my own cells eat me alive, I want to die blazed out of my fucking mind, happy because I’ll have had time to enjoy my friends’ company and to finally make some sense out of Kerouac’s Subterraneans or to figure out what the fuck is going on in Joyce’s Illiad. I’ll die crusty as shit and fulfilled as a Pop Culture jockey, because I’ll have either finished Persona 5: Golden in my lifetime or I’ll have watched the entirety of the MCU’s output before Disney finally manages to kill their golden goose.

I want to die decades from now, feeling like I at least owned my choices and didn’t spend my time tethered to someone else’s professional expectations of me.

[laine-o]

Truth be told, as someone who does not believe in herself and values herself so little and constantly feels worthless, I have received such kind messages and gestures over the years during my time in the SS fandom.

Whenever that happens, the part of my heart that has gotten so numb and black over the years starts to feel and beat again.

I’ve actually cried over especially touching messages. It’s like a part of me starts to live again. It’s a jolt in my heart.

But why do I have such an extreme reaction? Some may ask.

Well, I grew up in a household where I was never heard and my emotional needs were hardly met. My mother suffers from mental illness, she’s to this day, extremely toxic and emotionally abusive. My father is an alcoholic, another manifestation of mental illness. My childhood was fraught with witnessing domestic violence on a weekly basis. All of this culminated in an ugly divorce that was never resolved maturely and it’s repercussions largely carried on throughout my formative years as a teenager and into my young adulthood. I largely grew up invisible and as a result, with an extremely deep-seated sense of worthlessness and low self-esteem. I’m an extremely traumatized individual that has started on a journey of recovery this past half a year.

Because of these experiences, I’ve never viewed myself above any other human being. In fact, I’m scared of most people and it’s hard for me to reach out and I’ve been trying a lot harder the past year or two than I have been before. And I’m still unsure of what I should be doing or if I am even doing the right thing half the time.

I have never once viewed what I do as something that needs to be exalted or endlessly praised, put on a pedestal or what have you. Being a lonely, depressed person and someone that feels so very worthless, sharing my art was maybe the only way I could communicate with others. It was, I think, a way for me to express that I wanted to give something and just share a little bit of myself. What I gave freely, I expected nothing back in return.

But the greatest gift I received in sharing artwork, was being a part of something greater than myself. And that something greater is being a part of a fandom. Namely, the SS fandom.

Gift (noun):

1. a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present

Fanworks are all gifts presented to a fandom and therefore, to it’s community. They are given willingly without payment.

In real life, I give gifts to my friends and family. Some give something back in return, some do not. I am alright with this. I don’t give gifts so I can get something in return. To me, the pleasure of bestowing a gift upon a beloved person to show my appreciation is far more than enough. That’s already the endorphin rush I needed haha

In fandom life, among many other things I do, one of things I focus on is sharing my artwork. I don’t even feel comfortable calling my artwork a “gift” I am giving to the fandom because it imparts a vibe that I think my art is something that deserves special recognition or praise, because it’s not. I don’t expect feedback, reblogs, comments, tag screams or likes in return for my artwork. In fact, because of my own mental issues and depression, lack of self-value, I expect no reactions at all. I’m used to being invisible. It’s not new to me and the life I have lived. I never valued myself or my work enough to truly think it might have an effect on someone enough to receive any sort of feedback. But when I do get feedback and comments, they come to me as a pleasant surprise and are a gift that I appreciate so much. But like the definition states above, gifts are given willingly without payment. These are gifts given to me from the kindness of people’s hearts. This is something that I firmly believe.

Fandom may be nothing without the people who produce fanworks (not true!) because those people are also nothing without their supporters and cherished readers and followers, friends, support groups, group chats. Fandom is a community and is mutually supportive in nature. It is built upon supporting each another. Writers and artists provide emotional support to many by expressing their feelings through their works and stories. The readers and art afficianados (many of which are also writers and artists themselves) support their favorite writers and artists through their comments, likes, reblogs, tag screams, literally just flooding their own blogs, daily, full of content they like. Isn’t this what fandom is about?

I love that there are SO many blogs out there just full of SS content. I am first and foremost an SS fan and it’s these supporters (I consider myself a supporter too) with SS blogs that show us just how much SS work is available out there! That is a gift to me, to see SS everywhere and that’s simply not possible with just writers and artists alone. All of us in some way wallpaper a corner of the Internet with SS content. Some of us through the artwork and fics we create, some of us by sharing others’ artwork and fics on our blogs through retweets and reblogs etc (and I’m referring only to those who do it appropriately and not unauthorized reposters). And some of us, many of us, do both. The SS fandom itself is a gift. This is a great place to be! It’s a happy place.

Let’s keep it happy. Give and expect nothing in return. That passion is going to shine through your work. I promise you’ll touch someone’s heart the way so many of you have touched mine.

[strangcrdoctor]

∞Yeah I’m out for the night, fellows. Reasons below. 

Today turned real hard this evening because I finally got news about Hell’s Granny. She’s relatively fine, but at 93 she finally had her first (minor??????) stroke. She seriously waited until 6 AM this morning to call my dad (who lives literally four doors down the street for this reason) because she thought it was just a migraine and wanted to make sure he got enough sleep because he’s a banker and has been working his ass off during the pandemic restructuring federal and public loans. And while she’s amazingly cogent and in good shape, because of my maternal grandad’s super abrupt coronary in April, she’s now my last grandparent. And I love my grandad, but between Hell’s Granny and my late gran, those two women were the reason why I never went to daycare or had a babysitter as a kid. This woman taught me how to hold a fucking pencil, write in cursive, arrange silverware according to high tea standards, garden like a badass, iron collared shirts, make Yorkshire pudding, and pick and process raspberries and rhubarb all before I was 7. 

She left her small hometown in Saskatchewan before she was 10 because her mother took her and her (technical - weird rural families are weird) niece to Drumheller, Alberta because of some truly horrendous shit done to that niece. So great-gran said Fuck The Patriarchy (because my gran was also an illegitimate child which at the time was Yikes), and took these two young girls to a mining town where Hell’s Granny later - with only the education a 14 year old woman could get in rural Alberta in the ‘40s - fucking took, didn’t ask, just took a job at the local mining office. This woman never finished high school, but then was the sole business partner and dispatcher for my paternal grandad’s trucking company, and often did delivery drives on her own. And she still lives in the house my dad grew up in (after they moved to the States) and drives? (She should definitely be doing neither, but predictably she’s a stubborn old bat.) 

And at fucking 93 she’s been starting to “feel her age.” 

Like. I’m sorry but for this literal ironsides woman to be feeling frail is hitting so fucking hard. Especially considering she sent me a care package to NYC before my parents even fucking managed it, and of course she sent me a gorgeous glass tea pot and cup set for blooming tea, and half a dozen tea bulbs. She watches the news every morning at 6 AM MST to know the weather in New York to know if I’m going to have a nice day. This woman wanted to buy a Hummer or a Camaro when she was car shopping in her 70s, and went on vacations to Mexico almost every year during that decade of her life. She wanted to go skydiving for her 80th birthday, but her blood pressure was too high. And even now, she wants to last long enough to meet both of her newest incoming great-grandchildren (due in November and February), and then come to see me in NYC if and when COVID resolves.

And even today when I called her in the hospital she hits me with the, “Well, love, time for the old noggin to get an oil change I guess.” Her job is to worry about her family, not be worried about and I am just. I’m hurting for her putting on that brave face for her grandkids, and holding out for her great-grandchildren.

So for those of you that don’t know even aside from the above totally valid wibbly nonsense, I’m also flashing back very hard to about 2017. Because back in 2017 I’d graduated from my first MA and had gotten into a PhD programme at the University of Edinburgh, which naturally I was over the moon about. My late gran at that time was at the final stages of serious terminal downward slope from dementia - a fight and decline I as the youngest of my siblings had been helping my mum through both emotionally and physically in helping her move her from facility to facility for almost 10 years - and in fact was too fragile to even be moved into a hospice facility so had to stay in her facility. She was literal skin and bones, and we had to sponge swab water onto her lips and eyelids. It was truly gruesome at the end. 

I knew then when I left for Scotland I would never see her alive again, but even after making peace and saying goodbye to her, it fucking ruined me that it turned out while I had been in flight and out of service she died the morning I arrived. Not only was UE a bad fit for me - because there was no funding available and I would have ended up $200K in debt from that alone - but my mum was in absolute pieces because of lack of family support from her husband and her brother (let alone her sons, who I am still bitter toward for that). So I spent less than a week in Scotland before wrapping up the programme - I cancelled my student loans 2 hours before the deadline - and flying home barely in time for her funeral. (My return flight even got delayed by hurricane Irma evacuation efforts, so I landed less than 10 hours before the service.) So needless to say, not a happy time. I had no job, no savings, no plans. I spent three months living with my parents which for my mum’s mental health was vital because my step-dad has the empathic capacity of a pile of bricks, but for me it was the darkest time of my adult life.

This year is the first time my career has gotten to get back on track since then.

Now, where I’m at with NYC isn’t that at all. Literally. I’ve got great savings, have good funding from the school, and have had an amazing (totally unwarranted) cashflow this year in spite of the pandemic. New York is right, and I’m enjoying it and feel much more comfortable (in spite of roomie drama) than I ever did in Edinburgh. 

I have so much to do, and Hell’s Granny is far from gone. In fact she’s told me every time we’ve talked that she’s proud of me and wants me to keep going no matter what. That I’m her legacy.

But all that good shit aside, today was a huge trigger and kicked me straight back into the hugely traumatic similar situation I dealt with in 2017: in a cutting-edge graduate programme, far away, grandmother/family matriarch having end-of-life health problems = (to my mind) oh god you have to put your entire life on hold again and go fix it, and how long is it going to take to pick your career back up this time? And that’s not what’s going to happen because it can’t. There’s nothing I can do for this situation, for better or worse. 

All the same, I’ve seen where this road goes, and my dad has been incredibly blessed that it’s only starting now. Because it’s not pretty. It gets harder and more painful from here, and at her age that’s just the reality. But I don’t know if I can do this for her. I honestly don’t know if I’m strong enough to walk another parent through this downsizing-until-death stage, now of all times. I’ll be there for her the whole way as a grandchild, but I just. If I don’t keep going on my own path through this, I don’t know if I’d recover from putting my entire life down again. 

So I’m fucking terrified for this woman I love so much, deeply sad that there’s no turning back from here for her, and just... unsure how to be distant, how to be resigned, how to be self-preserving just yet. I’m working on it, working on deconstructing the trauma and working on being brave by staying true to my life. But I have to be, from a complete lack of alternatives.

Thus, there are two options for tomorrow. One: I stay home, panic, and mope. Maybe pick at things? Probably miserably lurk. Two: I jump a train into the city and go take pictures of the sights for my gran in a fab outfit and take a day for me. Buy some books or records? 

Maybe do a fucking touristy bar and have a finger of scotch for the old bird, in case she doesn’t get to.∞