#i got so used to the name it feels odd changing my old stuff to the new one

[theforesteldritch]

my ramblings on transness, intersex-ness, childhood and growing up

i'm four. somewhere around there. i tell my mom i hate my name. i want to change it to robin, i say. she tells me i can when i'm an adult. i tell her i want my name to be robin now, today. not later. i don't get to change my name. eventually i forget wanting to be robin, or drop it, or stop talking about it. either way, i don't ever get to be robin.

i'm five. i feel wrong. i feel out of place in my own skin, i think. i feel like a poor shadow of a girl. i decide i want to be a princess when i'm older. in my mind, to be a princess, i need to wear a dress every day, even when it snows and i have to stuff the skirt into my snowpants to play outside. princesses must feel like real girls. if i was a princess, i would stop feeling like a snake writhing around in my own skin, desperate to shed. i tell myself that. at recess, we play some running game. i don't remember which one. boys vs girls. i don't want to play anymore.

i'm six or seven. i still feel wrong. i've stopped trying to be a princess. i'm off in my own world a lot of the time. i use the classroom scissors to cut tiny holes in the sleeves of my long sleeve shirts or to clip off a tiny chunk of my hair. during carpet time, i try to touch the hair of the people in front of me without them noticing. my best friend tells me she's a tomboy. i say i want to be one too. she tells me im too girly.

i'm nine. i've sworn off dresses. i reject pink clothes and sequins. i'm wearing a hat that covers my hair and the school custodian calls me young man in the hallway. i don't know why i like that so much. i try to fit in with the boys. i play grounders with them every day after school. i don't know why, but they don't like me. they make fun of me. i still play grounders with them every day.

i'm twelve. the girls around me have started growing breasts and getting their periods. they start getting acne and thicker hair on their legs that they shave off. none of these things are happening to me. i ask my mom for a bra. i don't want to be the odd one out. i feel a mix of relief and shame when i get one. now, i can pretend i'm like them. now, i can try to hide the growing feeling gnawing inside me that something's wrong, that i'm a freak.

i'm thirteen. i still haven't gotten a period. my mom is convinced it'll come any day now. she got hers at eleven, i must be a late bloomer. she makes me bring pads to summer camp. they lie unused in my bags. she does this next year, too, and the next. i try to feel normal. i sneak and use my mom's razor to shave the baby hairs on my legs that still haven't darkened and grown thicker like anyone else. i want to feel normal.

i'm fourteen. the girls in the locker room stare at me with funny expressions on their faces when i say i haven't gotten a period after they badger that information out of me. i ask my parents for deodorant, like the other kids. they tell me no, i don't smell enough to need it. i steal my dad's old spice amber deodorant. it smells like how i want to be seen, i think. i read magnus chase. i see myself in alex, how his gender shifts and changes. for the first time, i have a word, maybe, to describe myself. i'm like her, i think. i'm genderfluid, maybe, like alex fierro. i test the waters and come out to some friends as genderfluid, and then a boy. but i find myself still feeling the same itch under my skin. i'm not just a man, or just a woman, maybe i'm both. i go back in the closet.

i'm fifteen. my doctor is starting to get concerned that i haven't gotten a period yet. he orders blood tests. they think the results are a mistake when they see the testosterone levels. i don't have the symptoms that should come with those levels. i should be going through a male puberty with those levels of t, but i'm not. they do them again. it comes back the same. i'm diagnosed with complete androgen insensitivity syndrome. i feel alone, and like a freak. my doctors want me to get a gonadectomy. i push away how i feel like a snake ready to shed my own skin for a moment. i can't search myself for my gender when i'm trying, i'm trying so hard to get through this. knowing that going on testosterone hrt wouldn't work on me, it would break me right now to admit to myself the truth i already know.

i'm sixteen. i'm sexually assaulted by my doctor while under anesthesia for a biopsy of my gonads. without any hint of remorse or even knowledge of what she did to me she tells my mom that my vagina is still very short, but not as short as she thought on an earlier examination. i will continue to see this doctor. i push her assault down. i push this down. i feel like a freak. i feel so alone. god, i feel alone.

i'm seventeen, i'm eighteen. i know now why i feel like a snake trying to shed a skin. i'm not just a woman, i'm not just a man. i'm both and something in between. but i'm too male to be a girl and too female to be a man. i'm not allowed to be either. i cry sometimes. over how unfair this feels. over how i'll never look in the mirror and see myself staring back. i don't know how i'll get through this. i have to get through this. i have to live for the kid who wanted to change his name to robin. the need to live for her weighs me down like atlas holding up the sky. i know that one day, my grip will slip and the sky will fall. but i'm trying desperately to make that day not today.

[bestanimatedmovie]

Choose your favorite!

Time to fly!

Vote in the other polls!

What fans say:

How To Train Your Dragon:

The message was just nice. I have a lot of nostalgia for it. I used to be a huge dragon nerd as a kid and dragons just weren't that prevalent in media here, especially not as friendly figures. I still love HTTYD and it's sequels nowadays.

It was one of my favorite movies as a kid and one of the few movies I watched that wasn't a barbie movie, it's just really cool.

Best movie featuring dragons period. The pure wish fulfillment fantasy of having a highly intelligent fantasy creature companion that can fly and doesn’t mind being ridden like a horse, therefore also the best execution of the dragon rider trope in all of fiction. Extremely funny, adding to the comedy is the fact that only adults have Scottish accents and all the teens have an American accent. So good that even its tv show follow up was decent by extension. The bit where Hiccup is trying to earn Toothless' trust and they start to work together changed me on a fundamental level.

I LOVE IT SO MUCHSHJKBSKHGDK I have a bone dysplasia which causes some bones to be a little bit more hollow and whenever I would feel a pain in my top back, 8 year old me was like ''woah I'm growing wings its my time to fly like toothless'' lol and it was always a dream of mine to fly. Weirdly enough I could relate to toothless because the "not being able to fly but you should be" felt like an allegory to a lot of my life! It gave me hope when he WAS able to after the help of others + the care he always needed + that mechanic wing thing made me feel like with the right ''recipe'' could help me get better too. My favourite scene is the first flight!! I love the animation for it, it makes me feel like im flying through the clouds too! The soundtrack is amazing too, I still cry to the songs.

I could write an entire essay about how much I love this movie, it truly is one of the best films ever made to me. Utterly flawless on both a technical level and a story-telling level. Not to mention the score oh my GOD the score of this movie changed my life. There are too many scenes that are so impactful, but the Forbidden Friendship scene has to be one of the best. Test Drive too.

This is literally my favorite movie of all time. This movie got me through the worst times in my life. It’s about love and friendship and all that lovely goopy stuff and it’s also fucking gorgeous.

THE cinematic masterpiece of our generation. On god.

This movie is an absolute masterpiece, the animation is pretty, the score is perfect, the relationship between Toothless and Hiccup is so sweet, Toothless is absolutely adorable. Definitely one of DreamWork's best films.

It's a beautifully animated movie about an unconventional viking boy named Hiccup finding his place in a world where dragons and vikings are constantly at odds, and how he changes the world around him. The dragon designs are unique and beautiful, and the vikings are larger than life and match the exaggerated setting.

Who on Tumblr DOESN'T want a dragon best friend I ask you. I would kill to have what Hiccup & Toothless have.

It does a brilliant job balancing tropes in a way that subverts and plays into them. There is so much in it for both adults and kids, it doesn't look like other animated films, it feels more grounded and in that realism it becomes so beautiful. The friendship in the film feels very real despite one of the characters being unable to talk! Forbidden Friendship scene is, in my opinion, the greatest scene in the history of cinema. The music, the lighting, the cinematography, the pacing, the emotions, it is practically perfect in every way. I could go on but I think ya get it.

God this movie defined my childhood and it's still so good when I rewatch it now. I'm guessing you'll have had this submitted a good few times bc it goddamn deserves it but. Hiccup is so relatable and !! dragons !! big cute dragons whose animation models are based on cats!! based fr

I have many fond childhood memories of this movie and in particular I loved how my cousin would "talk" for Toothless (cousin was babysitting us when we first watched the movie). Another thing is The SCORE. The music is iconic and awe inspiring to this day. That first time when Hiccup and Toothless fly together and it Works and the score absolutely goes HARD, I loose my breath every time. It's great. Also have you seen Toothless he's an adorable dragon and a badass, what's not to love?

Makes me cry every time because Hiccup and Toothless are such good friends and they love each other and end up as two halves of a boy dragon soulmate sandwich also the music is extremely good who doesn’t like dragons anyway.

It's the story of a beautiful friendship forming between a boy who doesn't fit in and a dragon who is the last of his kind. It's so cute. And it shows positive representation of disability, Hiccup and Toothless become disabled in ways that meaningfully parallel each other. Hiccup makes a prosthetic tail fin! And Toothless is just so cute!

The sound track is amazing

Honestly everything is phenomenal. It has a good use of comedy and an excellent story and character development. There are also countless beautiful and awe-inspiring scenes supported by an amazing score.

Up:

It is a very emotional movie about an old man learning to still enjoy life even though his wife died.

Such a beautiful film about loss

[toobluebirdie]

Sleeptober Day 15- Fury

I wrote some more character exploration for my daemon au, this time about ii and his daemon. These drabbles are mostly exposition to establish character history, but i hope you like them! Let's not talk about how this is almost 1k more words than the last drabble lol

(tags: some minor violence, future polyvessels- literally not important for this drabble but every au in my head is polyvessels)

II’s daemon found her form in his fury.

II was an accident. His parents were young, not even married yet, when he came into the world. And he was born early, far too early. For the first year of his life he was small and sickly. He doesn’t remember that but he does remember how his parents treated him because of it. Until he was old enough to go off to school, ii’s parents kept him sheltered, practically hid him away. They also both worked all the time so he spent a lot of time with the old lady who lived next door. She was kind to him but II wanted friends, someone to play with. II learned how to be alone. At least he had his daemon to talk to. He tried very hard not to think about how that truly meant he only had himself for company. 

II’s mother desperately wanted to homeschool him. She worked herself up into a frenzy over the idea of sending him off to school where he’d be surrounded by other kids and their germs, which only made II anxious about it too. Their family couldn’t afford one of his parents quitting work to teach him, so II’s distraught mother dropped him off for his first day of school when he was 5 years old. It was the first time he had ever met children his age. Hell, it was the first time he met someone who wasn’t his parents, his neighbor, or any of the doctors his mother dragged him to throughout his childhood. 

II didn’t know he spoke weird, using too big words, sounding too much like an adult. He didn’t know he was small for his age, he never had anyone to compare himself too. He didn’t know it was weird to speak to your daemon so much in front of other people. II’s classmates made sure he learned. 

Until he went to school, II’s daemon liked to take the form of soft, furry animals that II could hold in his arms. II was used to self soothing with her fur and her weight and warmth against his little chest. 

When kids started picking on him in primary school, laughing at him and calling him names, refusing to let him join their games, hiding his stuff from him, his daemon started taking on forms that could growl and bark and hiss. II felt small and weak and the way his parents handled him with kid gloves and locked him away cemented those feelings in him. He was small. He was weak. His soul could only try to scare his bullies away.

School hardened II. He learned that showing no reaction made people leave him alone. He eventually made some acquaintances, maybe they could even be called casual friends. He wouldn’t hang out with them outside of school but at least he had somewhere to sit at lunch. The shitty things other kids said to II still hurt but he felt powerful once he had mastered masking his emotions and simply staring at people blankly. 

Unfortunately bullies changed in secondary school. Kids got bigger and II just…didn’t. He was noticeably the odd one out again and he had to learn a whole new set of rules for surviving. The violence got physical. Getting kicked in the knees, slapped in the back of the head, shoved into walls was harder to shrug off than simply being called slurs. 

His daemon started taking on bigger and bigger forms as II’s rage grew. All he ever wanted was to be a normal kid. But there were rules that no one ever taught him. You have to speak a certain way, dress a certain way, look a certain way. And even if you do all those things right, there are still ways to be wrong. II was fucking sick of it. He was tired of always being bruised and bloody with nothing to show for it, so he started fighting back. 

He was terrible at first. He was a scrawny kid and he had no one to back him up except his own soul and she could only touch the other daemons. II was on his own against a whole gang of motherfuckers. 

His elderly neighbor’s grandson had started dropping by a lot as his grandmother got older. He was there every weekend, doing chores around the house and in his grandma’s garden. II can’t remember the sweet old lady’s name anymore, but he does remember Brian. 

Brian was about 5 years older than II and roughly 100 pounds heavier than him. II saw him effortlessly heft two bags of mulch over his shoulder and immediately marched over to ask if he knew how to throw a punch. Lucky for him, Brian knew that and a whole lot more. 

II followed Brian around for a whole summer, getting thrown around a boxing ring at his uncle’s gym until he learned how to stand back up and knock someone’s lights out. He also trailed along to Brian’s friend’s garage when the 19 year old decided II needed another outlet besides boxing. Brian’s band was pretty terrible, but their drummer wasn’t. Trevor didn’t mind teaching II how to hit the shit out of a drum kit at the end of their weekend band practices. 

II didn’t get much taller as he got older, but it didn’t matter. He knew how he looked, arms and shoulders muscular, hands scarred up and calloused from beating the shit out of punching bags and a drum kit, piercings he either gave himself or Trevor gave him in the dingy bathroom attached to his garage, tattoos he got from shops that didn’t ask for ID, his daemon most often in the form of some kind of bulky canine at his side. 

Even looking like that he still got jumped. But II could more than hold his own at that point. His tormentors weren’t brave, they were fucking stupid. II had never been stupid, he just had to learn. 

The last time some assholes from his school ever tried to start shit with him was the day his daemon finally settled. These fights were old hat for II by now. He knew he just had to keep his fists up and keep moving. He had strength and stamina, all he had to do was land a few good hits and spend time wearing them out. But II had unexpectedly found himself on his hands and knees, dry heaving into the grass, his whole body wracked with the worst sensation he had ever experienced in his whole life. Someone was touching his daemon. 

II forced his head up and found one of the ugly fuckers holding his soul, her neck squeezed between his grubby hands. The bastard was bleeding from a clearly broken nose but he was smirking and tightening his grip. II felt sick to his stomach. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. But he also felt white hot fury. No matter how strong he got, how many fights he won, these bastards thought they could still break him. II decided he was fucking done, with all of it. He locked eyes with his soul and she shifted into something larger than she ever had before. And then a fully grown lioness was closing her jaws around a stupid teenage boy’s arm. 

That angry, violent, hurting kid he used to be almost feels like a stranger to II now. He reminisces about that boy sometimes when he watches Purnima curled up in a patch of sun, a lanky jackrabbit tucked under the lioness’ large head, the little bunny’s nose twitching in her sleep. Vessel’s moth will flutter down onto his shoulder to join his quiet contemplation. He gets to have gentleness now. He gets to feel soft touches from people who genuinely like him. His soul may have been born from fury but she now gets to live in love.

(gee i wonder who's soul that rabbit is. you have a 50/50 chance of guessing right ehehehe)

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

9-1-1 (fox) x Hannibal (nbc)

(I would write a fanfic but I’m not in the mood)

All of last night I was thinking of this, anyway.

post fall and having lived in the woods for awhile, Hannibal and Will move to LA and become firefighters on the 118.

why? Well Hannibal didn’t want to go back into psychiatric work (bad memories) and loved doing medicine still, and thought “why not?”

flash forward, to him passing the tests and whatever and being a paramedic firefighter under the name Hans Anderson and does firefighter stuff.

everyone is like “Hans, is.. so weird” “he’s just European, English isn’t his first language” “but.. he’s so weird.”

eventually Will gets bored of staying at home with his dogs, and applies and becomes a firefighter too.

so the duo starts being REALLY WEIRD, mostly the whole

“hanni. Your not cooking them pork”

“Will, but the team would love my recipe”

“I do not want to help you choose a pig, no.”

“But will :(“

“no means no, we will make chicken for the team”

and the 118 mostly buck is like

”guys, what was that about?” “Buck. Just let them fight they will calm down later” “but what was the whole ‘no I am not choosing a pig’ thing about that’s a weird thing to say.” “Buck.. Hans and Will are just weird, don’t look to deep into it, it’s probably a European thing”

will uses his think like a killer thing for emergencies they go on to figure out what happened, everyone is very impressed and freaked out mostly by how well he figures out where when on the run murders take their victims and the whole “this is my design” thing he mutters.

Hannibal despite what the media and chilton pushed he actually liked helping people and saving them from their deaths, he just also liked eating people.

whenever Hannibal runs headfirst into a flaming building to help people? Will is right behind him, whenever Will runs into a flaming burning headfirst? Hannibal is right behind him.

after a rescue, Will changed his clothes in the change room and some of the 118 saw his MASSIVE SCARS, mostly the one on his abdomen.

obviously they didn’t think it was old and were promptly asking questions and trying to treat Will while he was getting ready flustered.

“Guys, please just stop. It’s a old scar, it’s not a big deal”

“WILL WHAT DO YOU MEAN”

“guys, it’s just from someone who hurt me, it’s fine”

“WHO HURT YOU, It LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE GUTTED”

“It doesn’t matter, it’s in the past I don’t care anymore.”

“???”

the 118 start being extra observant when Will gets injured in the stomach.

but when they bring up the whole thing to Hannibal

“Oh, Will’s scar? He got it when a boat rotor he was working on suddenly came on and gutted him, I was there.”

they stopped asking about it, but after awhile they noticed the bullet scars, and the scar on his head, and some more.

then it came to Hans’s odd behavior.

the way he wrapped his arms like they were bound when he was stressed, the weird feelings like they were being stalked by a predator but it was just Hans lounging around reading a book or other things, his odd jokes about food Will always laughed hard maybe they were inside jokes, those times when he was able to diagnose with 100% accuracy patients ill’s and everytime he joked “I could smell it”.

he was weird, and the fights he and Will had were evenly as weird.

one time when most of the 118 was out doing a rescue Will and Hans were getting into a heated argument while they cooked.

buck was kind of the only one there having sprained his knee on a previous rescue and was healing up. Buck was being really quiet mostly just sitting in a chair while he put some ice on his knee when. He heard it.

“Hanni, I can’t believe you. After everything we’ve been through? After everything you’ve put ME through? I can handle be thrown in a mental asylum, I can handle being framed, but THIS? Hanni, I love you but I can’t deal with this right now.”

“Will, I just wanted to make something for you. To show you my love.”

“Hanni, you always have. But this was stupid, I love your cooking I love you, but just can’t you source your meat any other way? can’t you show me your love while not slaughtering our food for us?”

“Will, Bella. I will for you, I will. I am sorry.”

“I can’t blame you, it’s so sweet. But just Stop it, you can’t keep this up.”

“Okay Bella, okay.”

buck just was so confused by the whole thing, Hans and Will were in love??? Will went to a mental asylum and was FRAMED??

buck really wanted to say something but they were quietly talking about the food and it seemed like a private conversation.

it was really weird though, the whole “food” aspect of it.

And it kept happening, these weird arguments about food.

always when Hans and Will thought there was no one around and buck happened to be creeping around because Hans’s cooking was SO GOOD.

he heard these snippets of a life before the 118, and it was just them talking about this girl Abbigail and murder cases?

just quietly lamenting this girl, with grief in their throats.

hans also talked about this other person Mischa, and how they were dead.

Hans and Will never talked much about their time before the 118, they mentioned something about Cuba one time but that was it.

the scars they shared violent and deep, the way they just were able to see and understand grisly killers.

just everything about them was wrong or hidden, they just are strange.

[purseowner4thequalityanimation]

400 Follower Special - The Trial of Obtaining and Using Lucifuge

Thank you for your continued support of my blog. Normally I would just post a GIF set and be done, but the demon I had planned turned out to be a huge pain in the ass so I thought I would share the pain. All images under the cut. Spoiler warning and flashing/bright lights warning.

I wanted to make walking/running GIFs of Lucifuge, a high level Tyrant of the Dark-Chaos alignment. He was one of the few remaining unique models in the game. Interestingly NINE appeared to be his playable debut, similar to Gemori and Seth. All three originally appeared in Shin Megami Tensei II as NPCs and would only gain stats in later entries.

NINE, like the name suggests, has nine different potential routes. The usual Law-Neutral-Chaos alignments make up only one axis of endings, with the other being  comprised of Dark-Neutral-Light for a total of nine combinations. From what I can tell by following guides online, you must be on the Dark-Law path in order for Lucifuge to appear and fight you. I realized he had to be defeated to be fused when none of the supposed recipes to make him worked. (Notice the words that are bolded, they’ll come in useful later.)

So I loaded an earlier save from before the alignment lock and got to work getting to the Lucifuge fight, which involved threatening to kill my in-universe little sister to gain enough Dark points for the route change. Prior to fighting Lucifuge himself, I had to fight the ugliest NPC in the entire game who supported himself with 3 Legions and could instantly kill me with Budufyne. Cool. I forgot to take a picture of him. Once he died, Lucifuge showed up to fight me. He was also a pain, as I was down to one demon from the previous fight and he nuked them immediately. But eventually he died, and I was able to proceed.

Now, this is all taking place in the final chapter of NINE so obviously a lot of plot stuff is popping off. Raguel the angel shows up to throw an energy ball at NPC lady Feris, and to serve as the next boss fight. Raguel was much less difficult to defeat.

Raguel’s dead, but this priest isn’t here to deliver a eulogy. The next big player reintroduces himself by throwing an energy ball at Raguel in a bit of poetic justice for Feris earlier, then asks us to join him on the roof. Damn, everyone’s throwing energy balls in here. Here’s a WEBM version if you’re into that shit.

We witness the digital world going to shit on the rooftop and get offered a choice between siding with him or against him (& Sumire, who you can kinda see in the right-hand background).

I choose against and we begin another boss battle. This priestly fellow turns out to be Sariel, another angel, except he’s a fallen angel and at odds with his fellow Shin Megami Tensei II alumni Raguel. Neither of the fights after the Legion Guy-Lucifuge combo were nearly as difficult, so Sariel also goes down. I say “neither” but I forgot to mention I also killed a childhood friend, Baraki, inbetween the Lucifuge and Raguel fights. But that’s not important.

What’s important is I got through all the bosses, and got to a point where I could finally fuse Lucifuge. Which I did, easily.

Finding a place to take GIFs of Lucifuge walking would be tricky, because at this point in the game my first pick, Shinjuku, was no longer an option. Maria, the holy mother, is waiting there to take me to the domain of Yaldabaoth, the false god, so that I may kill him and bring about the reign of Law, and I really didn’t feel like doing that. Even if it would mean seeing her cool not-a-statue-with-dinosaurs-on-it design that never appeared again.

Instead I made my way down to Roppongi, which usually has great music but during this endgame bit is instead silent. I went to summon Lucifuge into my party and got a message I couldn’t. Oh, of course, you can’t have Law demons and Chaos demons in the same party. Doy. Duh. You could never have party that was mixed Law and Chaos in these old SMT games. So I removed the Law demons, set my Navigator demon to neutral and then tried to summon Lucifuge again.

The message remained. What could the issue be? Why was I unable to summon Lucifuge into the overworld? What was this last hurdle between me and Lucifuge? If you have your notes from paragraph 2 and 3, you may want to consult them now. There’s also a hint in the previous paragraph! Put on your thinking caps. Get out your detective pipes. Don’t scroll past Sukuna Hikona until you’ve made a guess. Are you sure of it? Really sure? Alright. Here’s the solution to this locked room murder mystery that robbed me of half an hour of my time:

YOU CAN’T SUMMON CHAOS DEMONS AS A LAW-ALIGNED PLAYER, EVEN IF THEY’RE LOCKED BEHIND THE LAW ROUTE. 

For some reason I guess I assumed this wouldn’t apply to me, and I continued down the Law path subconsciously knowing I wouldn’t be able to actually show off the demon I was dedicating so much time to obtaining. Thankfully, once I realized this I thought to redo this endgame stretch from ANOTHER back-up I had.

And it worked! Instead of fighting Sariel I gave him a disc, murdered Miranda and was able to summon Lucifuge.

Lucifuge offers to hug it out in apology for causing me such pain. I still couldn’t make gifs of him in Shinjuku because Maria is still there, but instead of trying to take me to Yaldabaoth’s realm she’s trying to kill me. And I really don’t feel like taking her on right now. Not when she’s throwing out chains and sefirots like this:

Shin Megami Tensei NINE is a game that exists. Thanks for enjoying my blog. Hopefully I’ll have some neat stuff by the time there’s 500 of you following me.

Also somewhere along the line I did a shooting-energy-ball-gesture at my little sister to disarm her, who was trying to kill me. Probably because I threatened to kill her earlier. Oh well. Get logged out, idiot.

[imsatu]

How are Siblings of Sin recruited?

i was thinking about the siblings of sin, and now i have a few questions

how are they hired? like do they apply? are they contacted? are they like a normal company that sometimes does a bit of satanic stuff?

[1042 (not proof-read) words of how i think they end up in the clergy, at least sometimes]

CW: angst, some swear words, but everything turns out fine! idk if this makes the most sense so i'm sorry if it doesn't!

It was enough. I had enough, nothing else could go wrong anymore, because there was nothing right. In a matter of months, my whole life had gone to shit, my job had laid me off, I was kicked out of the house, and now my car had broken down in the middle of nowhere.

I didn’t even have to check for oncoming cars when I opened the door to get out, the place was deserted. Great. Even the signal had abandoned me. It truly felt like the universe was laughing at my face, actively. My phone was about to die, and I really didn’t know where I was. It hadn’t been so long since I had passed a tiny village, maybe someone there could help. But it would take a while to get there walking, and it was getting dark. It truly was the biggest fuck you from whatever celestial being there was. ‘Cause it had to be someone with special power to set me up like this, the constant bad luck I had was ridiculous at this point.

Yes, I had never felt like the luckiest person out there. I had never felt like a ‘normal’ person, to be honest. Since my childhood, there was something odd about me, something that made me different, in a way. Whatever it was. Everyone noticed it, but when I did, it was already too late to try and change it. Sometimes I cursed myself out, I had lost the only opportunity I had to fit in, something I wasn’t willing to admit I craved. To be a part of.

I threw myself in the car slamming the door shut, and leaned my forehead against the wheel, a big sigh coming out of me.

A knock on the window made me jump on the seat. I blinked fast, staring up at the man that towered over me, standing right outside the door. Where the hell did he come from? I didn’t hear the car, which was visibly parked behind mine. I barely rolled the window down, trying to have a good look at the man.

He was grinning wide, but somehow it didn’t feel creepy, more like… Comforting. He had warm, dark eyes, and a long and thick set of dreadlocks. Somehow, the energy that came out of him wasn’t threatening or scary.

“Can I help you?” My voice shook a little. The contrary chuckled.

“Oh, I should be the one asking the question!” He opened his arms, signing at the car. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…” I gave a second glance at the man, and sighed. “No, no I’m not,” against my better judgment, I got out of the car. “This piece of crap broke down, and I don’t know what to do now.”

“I can have a look at it if you want,” he shrugged. “I’m no expert, but maybe I can be of help.” The man opened the hood, after I pressed the button for it to unlock.

“This is way too old, I don’t think it’s salvageable,” I walked to the front as well, and had a better look at his clothes.

They were strange, black button-down shirt with his sleeves rolled up, black baggy cargo pants, mid-calves boots, golden accessories except for what looked like a silvery, very ornate upside down cross.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask you your name,” I clicked my tongue.

“Oh, it’s Swiss,” he answered from inside the hood.

“Swiss? Is that a real name?” I couldn't help but chuckle.

“Not really,” Swiss came out, with a smirk. “But it is mine,” he clapped his hands together. “I have great news and not so great news. It’s solvable, but it’ll take a while.”

“Amazing,” I rubbed my face. “What the hell am I going to do now?” I muttered. “Thank you, Swiss.”

“I don’t want to be intrusive, or something,” the man leaned on the car, “but do you need help with something else? I can drive you, or let you use my phone, it’s no big deal.”

“It’s fine,” I shook my head. “I’ll figure it out, I guess,” I headed to the inside of the car again. “Do you know a place I can stay the night at?”

He laughed, closing the hood of the car. “Yeah. It might sound weird, I guess, but the… Institution where I live will take you, no issue. Probably there’s someone that can fix the car too.”

“Institution?” I crossed my arms, raising an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

“I don’t know if it will make any sense,” he started heading to his car, but stopped in his tracks. “I know it will sound weird, it was strange for me too at first,” the man laughed. “The Ministry is a special place, where certain people go looking for a home.”

“Certain people?” I was starting to get bored.

“Yeah, those without a home, of course, or direction, or a motive. People that don’t fit in where they are supposed to belong, people that are lost in themselves.” I had gone quiet, my eyes pensive. That stung a bit, it felt too close.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Swiss talked. “I was in your place once, I couldn’t believe how much it sounded like me, like it was too good to be true,” he chuckled.

“But what’s the catch?” I giggled, kind of nervously. There had to be something. “None,” he shrugged. “I was given a new name, I can contact whoever I want outside, if I wanted to leave I could. But I won’t,” he grinned. “They gave me a purpose, a new chance, a new beginning. And believe me, if you’re here, the Ministry found you, which means that you’re just like me, and just like everyone else there.”

I wasn’t able to answer. That was true. I had left to try and find myself. And, for some reason, this did feel like a good start.

“So,” Swiss opened the door to the passenger side with a genuine smile, and signed for me to enter. “What is your new name going to be in this new beginning?”

It took me a few seconds, but I got into the car.

“Haven,”  I nodded softly. “My name is Haven.”

[rubixkun]

Been looking through kazukibo art again (new fic has me hyped) and got a question. How'd you come up with the designs for the fan kids because I really like them. They have a nice mix of "clearly takes after their parents" but also enough of their own style to not make them feel like carbon copies. I usually avoid fan kid stuff because it does feel too much like carbon copies but yours are so well done so I'm curious.

kinda in a bad mood so I'm gonna ramble to help me feel better.

So the "Generation Xerox" trope is one that I never liked. To me, if you, I dunno, create a kid that's literally Makoto Naegi, except yas Kyoko's hair color, to me, that's lazy, and I don't want to be lazy with character design. That's also why you won't see me making characters with full on heterochromia. I've thought about, like, the Sondam daughter having partial heterochromia, like both eyes mostly blue but one eye has like a speck of gray in it.

Like why make a new character if they're going to be just like their parents with no change?

I also like playing around with combinations and how genetics could play into it. Though I don't strictly play by the rules of genetics. if I did, Hotaru would have black hair. And let's face it. Genetics are odd.

But then what about someone like Hikari? She has a lot of traits that look like Kyoko. I've even said as she gets older, she looks even more like Kyoko. How do I do it? Well for one I don't put a braid in her hair and call it done. Hikari's design comes from her personality. She's friendly, bubbly, and optimistic like Makoto. So I put in those details in a subtle manner through clothing, but also I make sure to draw her smile just like I draw Makoto's.

Some characters have also gone through multiple changes. Kazuki looked more like Makoto, Hikari changed like 4 times, Natsumi was a lot more boring on the design side of things. But this was when I wasn't really planning on doing anything with Kazukibou...it didn't even have that name yet. I just called it Next Gen.

But once I had their personalities figured out, it made designing easier. Natsumi being a loud in your face type helped shape the idea of the pink in her hair. Her outfit goes off the idea that she dresses nice like her father, but isn't all business like he is.

Hotaru is a tomboy who likes tinkering with stuff and low self-esteem. So play into that with baggy jeans and Kazuichi's old hat so she hides her face (in reality it's a comfort item).

Yes, Kazuki is a detective, but also leans more into being a teenager, so he's not going to wear his detective garb all the time. Okay fun fact, his vest was taken from a vest I have in real life. Only difference is his is blue and mine is gray. His old design felt plain so I wanted to add more colors.

And it's really trial and error and not being afraid to change something even if you already have a concept set in stone. People change their hair style all the time. People wear different outfits for different phases of life. Some people get glasses, some get contacts, and some even get Lasik.

It's also throwing stuff at a wall and seeing what sticks. Sometimes I look at pictures online and think "I like this and I want to use that in my work in my own way." Most of the time I don't know what I'm doing and sometimes I add things because I just like it.

For example, eventually as the new Naefiri baby grows up, he's gonna have glasses because I just want him to wear glasses.

But I dunno if any of this makes sense. I guess tldr I just want to put more effort into what I do.

[tonydaddingham]

wow so in the championships of fucked up batshit posts written by rhi✨, i do think this takes the title but i am really concerned that this might be the case... so,, hear me out

s2 = possibly clue? like, for real???? like alternative EP1 ENDINGS/SCENES???

so laure @theeminentlyimpractical and i had basically noticed at the same time that crowley's sideburns drastically change clip to clip, promo to promo, throughout the stuff we have of s2 so far, and this led us to have the, i guess, fairly insignificant theory that there is a falling out and a timeskip. now obvs this theory is quite old, very much in its infancy, and probably very inaccurate, but like 2500 people have at least seen it and we have reputations to maintain so we looked into it further

now pretty much ALL content released to us is either ep1 or ep2, or minisodes, or maybe the odd photo (e.g. i think the aziraphale/clipboard one is firmly ep5). but most stuff we have tbh can almost be chronologically traced and plotted. well - all except this:

the scene where crowley finds out about the naked man friend? short sideburns:

in the shop, finding out that it's gabriel?

long sideburns.

(not to mention that crowley's glasses change between ep1 and ep2 somewhere but that's a different story)

now i know that this could be an error with make up, or additional photography etc blah blah blah but one appears to be forgetting that this is amazon, and id put my money on every single person on that set wanting s2 to be nothing short of loophole free, continuity error-less perfection *😘👌*

so my Occam's razor is there is something we are missing between these two scenes in particular, or one of the scenes is not as it seems. from what we have worked out (and save this post because ill hopefully link in a sideburn timeline once laure and i have got our shit together and are operating on the same timezone again) most of ep1 and ep2 plot seems to feature crowley with short sideburns and predominantly the silver (not grey) sunglasses

whilst we have spotted a couple of confusing possible exceptions to this (example is below), it feels like overall that's basically right. bearing in mind that stuff that might say it's an official promo from e.g. ep4 may actually refer to events in ep2 --- there is nothing to say that the story has to be told in chronological, linear order!!!

so yeah overall; everything with crowley, present day, for ep1/2 is shortburns. now an interesting tidbit ive found from accounts of the nycc screening (and speaking to lovely people who gave me more info, not sure if they want to be named!!!) is that the screening

did not show an ending for episode 1.

that it basically ran straight through to the job minisode cold open, and then into the ep2 opening credits. for clarification, there was no ending credit for ep1, and apparently nothing to show that there was an end (e.g. no big gutsy 'well then... welcome to the end times' scene) ***and this is where i need input from sdcc people!!!

so apparently (and this may need further input), the last scene that took place before the job minisode is crowley returning to help with the miracle on gabriel to hide him... now im not sure if this is the same scene as the "I'm back"/apology dance scene (which btw we think is a shortburn/silver glasses scene, which is even weirder) but if someone could let me know that would be great ✨EDIT: CONFIRMED✨

👀 at sdcc viewers that only saw ep1 - WHERE DID IT END???

so in summary: the first sideburn loophole we have is the "ah gabriel!!" scene. obvs people have seen it so it's not a flashback, but i think potentially there will be additional scenes added to ep1 + an official ending upon the full release... or potentially scenes are replaced altogether to prevent spoilers from the screening? hmmm

does this remind anyone of clue lmaooooo wink wink

second, this is also an issue: so the first screenshot im pretty sure is late ep2 after aziraphale is talking to a rug salesman...? but features les longburns and possibly grey glasses:

but then this ep3 interaction with muriel? them burns are definitely short, which could obvs mean it is posed as a flashback, but those are DEFINITELY crowley's new grey glasses?

so yeah I'll be honest I'm not sure how far ill swing with this but ill keep updating with more info and link to the timeline etc etc, but yeah i think someone might have been writing a love letter to clue rather than writing s2 hahaha✨✨✨

but all nycc screening viewers pls come scream at me about this!!! and sdcc please tell us where ep1 ended??????

[just-a-carrot]

Hey! Just a heads up, I'm sending this to multiple people, since I wanna get as many different viewpoints on this as I can. I hope this doesn't bother you. Also, this is pretty long.

So, I have a question about gamedev, but more on the marketing/presence side.

Most gamedevs I know, even hobbyist ones, keep their accounts relatively professional. Sure, they may shitpost here and there, but it's mostly in relation to their games, the gamedev sphere in general, or very general inoffensive stuff. And, most importantly, I've seldom seen my favorite gamedevs (or any of my favorite internet personalities, for that matter) comment on random videos unrelated to what type of content they usually post.

All of my social media accounts are quite unprofessional. I've also had them for a long time, so there are a few things on my digital footprint that I'd rather people not see. I also, for lack of a better way of explaining, watch and read random shit and like to leave comments on it sometimes.

I feel like, I were to become a gamedev, I wouldn't be able to do that anymore. I'd have to treat my internet presence as its own balancing act, rather than a place for me to express myself unabashedly. I know this is working under the assumption that I would get big and that people would give a damn about me, but there is always the off chance of that happening. Of a random game you make suddenly blowing up because it hit the algorithm just right. So it's better to be prepared. And even if I don't get that big boom in popularity, I still plan to at least make games consistently enough to build a community of their own. Nothing like, huge, but I really enjoy the idea of people enjoying my work and sharing that enjoyment with others. But I don't want that to cross over into my personal life!

I know that's not an impossible feat, but I feel like it kind of destroys the purpose of the internet for me. To me, it's always been a safe space where I could express myself and easily connect with people with similar viewpoints, but I am now coming to odds with this concept as I consider how I want to become a gamedev.

There's also the side note that I don't wanna rebrand. At least not completely. I don't mind cleaning up my accounts or deleting some old ones, but I've grown very attached to being "Quamai". I can't imagine myself having any other online identity, even if there are some cringy moments attached to it.

So, do you have any advice for my situation? How did you personally go about your own online image, and what do you think is the best course of action?

Thank you in advance!

oh gosh what a question ldkjfadl

hmmmm

putting this under a cut because it got long and rambly lakdfa

for me personally i don't think i've ever made that many "right" choices when it comes to how i handle my online presence in game dev, it was mostly just me doing what seemed like the right thing to do at the time. it's also changed a lot all throughout my time as a dev

tho i guess the main thing is that i did create a whole new game dev online identity, so to speak, when i first got into game dev. this wasn't really due to any purposeful thought put into it though and was more just because 1) i didn't really have much online identity anyway at the time and 2) in the beginning i was trying to be more "professional" LOL

when i released easter, i did it without any presence at all. i had no accounts or anything. i literally just finished the game and threw it up on itch and gamejolt using the new studio name i had come up with based on an inside work joke. it wasn't until i started to get a few people talking about the game or linking to it/making vids that i was like hmmm i should have a twitter maybe LOL so like a week later i made a twitter. but i barely posted on it, it was just responding to other people. a year later when i released the 2.0 update i also made a few posts. then thought i might start using it more so started posting just a few random updates of new stuff i was trying out/working on (this was when i made my first couple of posts about early OW stuff)

but then when i shifted out of game dev again for a while, i abandoned it

it wasn't until august of 2021 that i began actively using my account again to post production updates for work on ow. but back then i was a lot more "emotionless" for lack of a better word. like i approached it in a more no-nonsense way than i do today. i also never got that much response from it either, usually lucky to get like 2 or 3 likes on stuff 🤣 over the course of that first year or so though i would change a lot in how i handled my online stuff, acting much more like myself, interacting a lot more with people, and getting increasingly more unhinged(???) LOL perhaps because i'd begun to see that being "super professional" when i'm just a little random person making a game all by myself there's no reason to be so stiff (and it's just much more fun and genuine to not be afraid to be myself and be a bit silly). over this time was also when i'd shift away from using my studio name and just taking the "carrot" identity. because i realized i didn't like people thinking about me as an impersonal studio and wanted to just be me, carrot, interacting with people, making games, and getting unhinged about my chars and stories

is this the right way to do it???? i have no idea. but perhaps since i never have any aspirations of grandeur and don't plan to be any kind of business, it's fine for me. and while it's true that i don't like to post, reblog, interact with, content unrelated to my games or other VN stuff, that's mostly because i don't want to annoy people who i know only follow me for game stuff (i worry about annoying people a lot, actually, it might be one of the core foundations for how i handle myself online LMAO). i don't have any other presence online though. once i started my game dev stuff, carrot became me, and it's all that's out there. so it's not like i need to "separate" anything. but also i'm not a very avid user of social media in general so it's not like i have an active desire to have different accounts so i can tweet about or comment on other stuff lakdjfasd i'm an old socially anxious duck who gets mentally exhausted just scrolling my feed. i don't need to spend any more time online than i already do with my game dev stuff hahaha. i do know some other devs though for instance that have private accounts on twitter just for their friends and more personal thoughts. so that's always an option too

as for what you should do in your own situation with your own online presence, i'm not really sure, as it all comes down to what you want. for me, since i didn't have much presence anyway, and because i wanted my game dev stuff to be its own thing, it made sense for me to create a new presence just for game dev (that eventually evolved into my entire self LKDJFAS). so it's hard for me to say what would be the best course of action if you already have an online presence that forms a core part of your identity that you don't want to lose. it also depends on what you want to eventually do with your games and if you see yourself really wanting to pursue it actively and make it a big part of your life. most devs that i know do have "game dev" presences for lack of a better word, where if you go to their accounts, it's just for game dev. or they create studios and studio accounts. i think no matter what you decide to do, even if you keep the name the same, it would probably be best to at least keep your game dev stuff separate, because people could potentially be put off from following an account for games but then their feed gets filled with a lot of non-game stuff from you that they don't care about

no matter what you decide to do though, i recommend being yourself no matter what. whether you keep with your same identity or craft a new game dev only one, still do what feels right for you on that account and be yourself and have fun with it!! game dev can already be such an isolating and hard experience, so creating a space where you can be silly and have fun with other devs and fun with your chars and ideas can really help so much to give you motivation and just enjoy your time creating games!!!

(sorry if this was a complete ramble that didn't even still fully answer the question; i can only speak from my own personal experiences that i went through after all and i don't really have any good or professional answers since i also have no idea what i'm doing most of the time 🤣)

[lordkingsmith]

Sending hugs always!

002 for your favorite character please and thank you!

You might be interested to hear that I might be getting a picture with the original pink ranger at comic con.

Hugs always appreciated thank you so much 😊

Oh my gosh! You might meet Amy Jo Johnson? I’ve heard from everyone she’s ever met she’s a complete sweetheart. If you meet her you’ll have a great time. Regardless if you meet her or not I hope you have a great time at the con!

Ahh I have a lot of favorite characters, and they rotate but given you’re possibly gonna meet AJJ, I’ll do a power rangers one :)

Spike Skullovitch from Power Rangers Samurai

How do I feel about this character:

There’s not enough of him! He deserved way more! So if you don’t know this is the son of Eugene “Skull” Skullovitch. In the show he was…I wanna say as old as the rangers so mid to late teens. This retroactively makes his dad from MMPR a teen father. Kind of a doofus and I loved him for it. He just seemed like a really sweet character and it’s a shame we haven’t seen him since. I wanna know how he’s doing guys. Kid’s a pure cinnamon roll in love with the pink ranger. I adore this guy I have fics for this guy and an entire LIST I’m working on of his partners (well ok-I’m working on individual lists for them and he’s on a lot of them but you know, semantics) I ship him with and hypothetical kids. I’m doing this for a bunch of power ranger characters for funsies but yea, lol. Love him, wish we had more of him-did you know he was originally meant to be the gold ranger before they changed the plot of the season? We got robbed

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Ok here we go lol

Lauren Shiba

Jayden Shiba

Mia Watanabe (ranger he’s canonically got a crush on and ngl it’s adorable)

Antonio (I have a test fic in the works about these two, given Antonio is the canon gold)

Kevin

Emily

Prince Olympius

Ziggy Grover

Scott Truman

And several others but list shouldn’t get too long lol

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

I…am gonna be honest. I multiship so everyone listed is simultaneously a platonic and non platonic ship for me for him. I gave up with the OTP stuff a long while ago. But my current favorite? It’s between Lauren and Mia

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character:

1) that he got with Mia canonically. 2) THAT HE WAS GOLD I AM SO MAD ABOUT THAT STILL HE’S WEARING GOLD AND YELLOW AS HIS COLORS HE SHOULDA BEEN GOLD

my OTP:

It’s currently between Mia, Olympius, and Ziggy

My crossover ship:

Technically…any season is it’s own universe so I could say Ziggy but. I’ll choose something not power rangers. Hilariously I used his actor in a descendants rp once, his Disney villain descendant counterpart got with Allie, Alice Liddel’s daughter.

Her. I still have a soft spot for the pairing ngl

A headcanon fact:

This is…an odd one but my friend @augment-techs and I came up with the idea he’s a putty hybrid. Rita Repulsa decided to do human experimentation and chose Skull to kidnap and do the experiments on. Through her meddling he…gives birth to a human-putty hybrid and names it Spike and that’s how his son is born! Very VERY not canon but it’s been fun playing with.

A more mundane “for every version of this character” fact is: he hates chewing gum and sweet things in general. Is not a sweet tooth. This is not going to happen. Prefers savory things over sweet things. Sugar makes him gag. He’ll eat it if someone gives him something sweet because he doesn’t want them to feel bad but..no he’s not a fan.

-

Thank you so much for the ask and again I hope the con is fun!!

[compassionatereminders]

Hi Kat,

I know you have quite a big following so I want to ask you something, just to see if any of your followers or even you experienced something similar. I apologize for a very long message btw.

The topic is: A STRANGER CLAIMS THEY KNOW YOU BUT YOU HAVE ACTUALLY NEVER MET THEM.

Firstly I would just like to say that I don't do drugs or drink. I'm a few years older than you, so while yes I'm 31 I'm still not an old grandma and my memory is pretty good.

I'm a person who still recalls how the voices of my ex-classmates sound (when I read books, or anything else, I read it with a voice in my head... if you know what I mean. I can recall voices I like and read text in that voice), I still know their names and last names. Except I don't know all the last names of my classmates that I went to high school with for 4 months (but I remember how they looked like, sounded like and I know their names, I just don't know last names of some people who had pretty long or complicated last names).

Now to the story. Last year I went to pay a lottery ticket for my dad. He plays a lottery ticket every week. I don't really know what this little store is called in English, we call it "trafika". You can pay lottery tickets there, you can pay bills, they sell magazines, some alcohol, cigarettes, little chocolate bars, chewing gums... and that's pretty much it. It's very small. A woman owns this store and she has 1 employee. One works in the morning, another one in the evening.

Last year, it was during summer break time I saw a new cashier - most likely the owner took some time off.

The new cashier wasn't rude looking or anything, but when I stepped into the store I got such an odd vibe, just a very uncomfortable feeling. This happens a lot to me... it's like an intuition I guess. And I'm usually right because when I get an odd vibe from someone something usually goes wrong.

I wanted to pay the lottery ticket when the woman called me by my name. I was quite surprised since I had never seen this woman in my life. She told me her name and because I was looking at her confused she told me she used to be my classmate.

I went to some high school for 4 months before I changed schools. Her name wasn't common, and I was even more confused because I would 100% remember a unique name. I have never had a classmate with that name.

I'm a loner, a quiet type so she would 100% not know me if she weren't my classmate. But even if I'm a loner I did speak with those classmates, heck I was forced to when we had to do stuff in groups and so on, so I 100% interacted with all my classmates at some point.

She even told me the name of the school I went to. I told her that I don't remember her at all, she seemed kind of disappointed and a bit mad, but since I saw this woman for the first time in my life I didn't feel the need to lie and pretend I did know her. I just felt like it would be more awkward if I lied. I paid for the lottery ticket and I said bye to her and told her I had to go because I was in a hurry (that was a lie but oh well. Her mad stare was kinda making me feel awkward so I just wanted to go asap)

The next week I didn't pay lottery ticket there but I went to the post office instead because this interaction kinda freaked me out a bit. I even crossed the street when I walked by in the next few days. But after a few days, the owner was back (you can see easily inside because it's a glass window and that woman never returned since then). I don't even know how many days that woman worked there because for 3 days I was too freaked out to even look at that direction, I know it sounds silly. And the day I looked there the owner was back. So I guess she was there less than 3 days?

What else gave me the creeps is... she really wanted to convince me that we knew each other. Something about that just felt off to me.

I know like 15 years passed since then but I swear to you on my life I don't remember ever meeting this person. I remember people who take the same bus as me, even if I see them on that bus once every month. And I don't brag I can recognize every person I have ever seen, because I can't. But if I remember a random person I see on the bus once per month, I'm sure I would remember this woman like I remember every single one of my classmates. This is why I feel crazy.

I deleted my facebook ages ago, and when I had facebook I was never sharing personal info like which school I went to or where I worked. So it's not like she was bored, saw me on social media, and decided to prank me.

I listen to yt stories sometimes and some stories are about how people shifted into a different reality. These are just interesting stories to me, nothing more. But that day I felt like this woman met another me in some different parallel universe, I know it seems crazy.

I find the idea of a parallel universe interesting but I don't know if I believe in all this, but it just felt like she is from a different reality where she met me. And in this reality, I never met her.

I lost all touch with ex classmates (they also live far away from me so it's not like I can run into them either) I can't ask anyone else if they remember her.

I usually don't message you on anon, but in this case, I will turn on the anon button... because I feel kinda crazy. Some time passed already but whenever I walk by I always think of this incident. And I was just curious if anyone else experienced something like that?

I agree that it's odd, but I don't believe in reality shifting and I think it's far more likely that you genuinely forgot one classmate after 15 years than that she's from a different reality. Even if your memory is unusually excellent

[sunnyie-eve]

1 | As a Welcome Back

Series: Never Leave You | OBX

Paring: (JJ Maybank x OFC! Rafe Cameron x OFC!)

Word Count: 2472

Warnings: mention of abuse

MASTERLIST

Four years ago Callie was forced to move away from where she grew up, on the poor side of Outer Banks, by authorities. Her father ended up going to prison for attempting to murder her mother/ his wife. After the incident, Callie's mother ended up running away in the middle of that night. She couldn't deal with being in the Cut any more. She wanted to get away from the memory of the traumatic experience so that sadly meant leaving Callie behind as well. She couldn't look at her daughter without picturing Callie's father.

Callie ended up going to live with her Aunt Tess and her boyfriend Joey since Tess decided to become her legal guardian. During the years Callie lived with them, Tess could tell she wasn't happy anymore. Tess somehow convinced her shit husband to move out to Outer Banks in the hope to make Callie full of light again.

"How does it feel moving back?" Tess looks back at Callie, who was looking out the window.

"Odd since it's been a while."

"Be happy because Tess talked me into moving us out here. Gotta live in, what did you call the shit side?" Joey looks at his wife.

"The cut." Callie tells him.

"Hey, we're moving into their old house and they had the best looking one on the Cut side because..." Tess cuts herself off because they don't say Callie's dad's name.

"My father kept it nice and stable. He built on to the original house to make it bigger. He was only able to do that because he was born a Kook. But I doubt it still looks as good not having worked on it for four years." Callie speaks up again.

"Well, Joey, you used to fix houses." Tess smiles at him as her hair blows in the wind.

"That's before I got a better job making more money. But I guess I can work on it since it's our house now."

Once they pull up to Callie's old house, she was surprised it looked the exact same. "Wow. It hasn't changed a bit." She leans forward more.

"See, it's a nice house, babe." Tess pats his thigh before getting out of the truck and they all follow with what they brought with them because they already had a moving truck and the company do all the big stuff.

Callie goes to her old bedroom since it was going to be her bedroom again. She was glad to see her Aunt Tess got her a pallet bed like she did before moving away from here. She walks over to her windowsill  looking down to see the carvings of her two close friends' names making her smile.

"They probably forgot all about me since they never contacted me." She sighs before going through her bags to put clothes away and other things.

"Callie! Come get your damn boxes!" Joey yells outside the house so she goes out to get the last of her things.

"You look happier in here than in your room at our old house." Tess walks into Callie's room giving her a smile.

"Because I'm comfortable here. I understand what he tried to do here but in these four walls I was safe and comfortable." Callie gives her a sad smile.

"Well, I'm happy you're finally getting back to yourself here." Tess kisses the top of her head, "Now dress nice because Joey's friend, over in figure 8, invited us over for dinner with his family." Tess claps her hands leaving the room.

"He knows a Kook?" Callie shouts before finding a cute outfit that would be good enough for dinner with Kook's. It was a long light green floral skirt with a thigh slit and a cute white shirt.

When they get to the house Joey introduces them to Camerons. They had a daughter Callie's age and hope they could get close.

"Oh, and this is my son, Rafe." Ward says as his son walks into the room. "Rafe, this is an old friend of mine, Joey. This is Tess and her niece Callie. They just moved back into Callie's old house." Ward explains to his troubled son.

Rafe couldn't take his eyes off of Callie. He thought she was really beautiful. "Hello." He gives them a wave.

The entire night Callie hated being in the house. Rafe would keep glancing over at her especially if she was talking to his sister Sarah. "So you guys moved back to your old house. Where do you live?" Sarah asks Callie.

"Over in the Cut so I'm a Pogue but my dad was a Kook. He got tired of this life and left but still had all his family money so our house is the nicest in the Cut." Callie explains to her.

"Sometimes I wish I could leave the Kook life. It's all planned out for you." Sarah sighs as they sit out by the pool.

"I'm happy I never had a Kook life." Callie laughs.

"Time to go, Callie." Tess motioned for her to come on since it was getting late.

"Hope to talk to you more. It was nice." Sarah waves goodbye.

The next day Callie just stays home and learns about a storm coming so she preps her aunt and Joey. As it gets later in the day when you could see the storm getting closer to land, Callie went outside sitting on the porch looking up at the dark sky and enjoying the wind.

"Home sweet home." She smiles to herself.

"You have any friends here you're dying to see again?" Joey sits down next to her.

"Yeah, two. But I think they forgot about me since they never tried to contact me after I moved..."

"You should go surprise them tomorrow. You better get something out of moving back here because if you don't I'm gonna be pissed." Joey gets up heading back inside so Callie follows after some time.

-

The next day Callie looks out her window to see the tree behind the house had multiple broken limbs laying on the ground.

As she headed toward the kitchen Joey was bitching about no cell service to call work while her aunt Tess was just putting up kitchen supplies out of their boxes.

"Do you mind if I go surprise some old friends?" She asks her aunt.

"Sure, honey."

Callie goes back to her room to get dressed for the day. In the past, she always had a bathing suit on underneath her clothes but today she didn't feel the need to.

Callie makes her way walking on a path she used to walk every day towards the Chateau, John B's place. When she gets into view she didn't know what to feel. Would they be happy to see her or not care?

Walking up to the front door she knocks but gets no answer so she goes around back to see two boys near a boat. She notices it was John B and JJ. John B sees her first staring at her so she gives him a wave, "What's kicking, bird." She says what she used to say in the past to him because his dad called him the same.

"No fucking way! Callie!" He runs over to her. "It's actually you!" He wraps his arms around her waist spinning her around. "What are you doing here?" He asks speaking quickly excited to see her again.

"My aunt and her boyfriend moved here into my old house. She wanted me to not be miserable anymore so she moved here for me." Callie explains as John B puts her down.

Finally, it hits JJ, "Cals!" JJ drops his beer and runs over wrapping his arms around her and picking her up. "You finally came back to us!" He shakes her. Back to me...

"Yeah, I got tired of waiting for a phone call." She glares at the two once she was put down.

"I knew we forgot something all these years..." John B scratches his neck.

"I forgive you. So what are your plans for the day?" Callie gives the boys a smile.

"We're getting ready to go fishing. Pick up Pope and Kiara on the way. Do you have any plans?" John B asks her.

"If so ditch them so you can spend the day with us." JJ nudges Callie.

"I don't have any."

"Great, let's get going!" JJ grabs her hand dragging her behind him.

John B laughs at Callie's face as JJ drags her off. He could tell she was thinking what did she get herself into. He was glad she was back. It could be just like old times with mainly the three of them.

As they get the boat on the water and head off the two boys couldn't help but check their childhood friend out. They both used to have a crush on her when they were younger and now she was really hot to both of them.

"What?" She turns her head looking over at them.

"It's weird seeing you now." JJ speaks first.

"Good weird, though." John B adds.

"Back at you both." She laughs looking back ahead so the boys look at each other.

"Fuck." JJ mouths so John B nods his head.

First, they pick up Pope, "We have a safety meeting. Attendance mandatory." John B acts like he has a walkie.

"I can't. My pop's got me on lockdown." Pope tells them not fully noticing Callie.

"Come on, man. Your dad's a pussy. Over." JJ mimics a walkie too.

"Oh, I heard that, you little bastard." Pope's dad walks up before the boys get Pope to get on the boat leaving his dad pissed.

"Pope, you remember Callie, right?" JJ smiles at Callie.

"Look at you! It's good to see you." Pope smiles at Callie as they head off to pick up Kiara.

"CALLIE!" Kiara speed walks down the ramp and dock to get on the boat. "Are you visiting or what?" She gives JJ the cooler so she can hug Callie.

"Moved back with my aunt and her boyfriend in my old house." Callie hugs her back making Kiara squeal in happiness to have a girl she likes back in the group.

"Want a beer, Cals?" JJ holds one out to her as she sits next to John B.

"I'm good right now. Thanks though." She puts her hand out saying no thank you.

"Don't drink?" John B turns his head to look at her for a second.

"I do but I'm not ready for one yet. Don't pressure me into shit. I just got back." Callie glares at him playfully.

After some time Callie starts to drink with everyone and it didn't feel like she ever left. "Let me show you a party trick. Callie, watch this. Hey, Pope. Can you go a little faster?" JJ stands up at the front of the boat.

"Here we go. I'm movin'." John B goes to the back making Callie go with him, "Unless you wanna get beer on you." He lets her know so she sits behind Pope but can still see JJ.

His party trick fails like Pope said it has the past 6,000s times they tried it. "All right. Stop." Pope says before the boat motor rattles and comes to a hard jerking stop making JJ fly forward into the water.

Everyone groans in pain checking in on each other after hitting a sand bar. Pope sees a boat underwater so they all, except Callie, jump in to check it out.

"Come on, Callie." Kiara motions for her to get in.

"This is all I have. I didn't plan on getting in the water today." Callie stays on the boat watching them dive down to the boat before they come back up so John B goes back down alone to find out whose boat it was.

After getting a motel key they all leave heading back to report the boat but they were busy with other people. So the group decided to go check it out themselves to find out whose boat it was.

"I move back and already put myself in a situation to get in trouble." Callie says as they get to the motel.

"It's a big welcome back." JJ gives her a smile.

"Hey. Don't let him do anything stupid." Pope points at JJ as John B gets ready to get off the boat.

"Oh, we will." JJ tells him.

"I'm not making promises." John B adds.

"You shall come along pretty lady!" JJ picks up Callie off the boat to go with them.

"Let's go." John B tells JJ and Callie.

"Why do I have to come? Why can't I stay on the boat?"

"What happened to the troublemaker in you?" JJ asks as they walk side by side.

"It's still there but I'm just wondering why I have to tag along?" She says so John B walks backwards to look at her.

"Because we miss you and want to be with you." He grabs her hand pulling her close to him to walk causing her to giggle.

JJ glares at the back of his best friend's head, "So when are you gonna swoop on Kiara?" He speaks up making the two look back at him.

"Bro, you know the rule. No Pogue-on-Pogue macking." John B tells him, "Besides you're the one always hitting on her."

JJ sees Callie looking at him so he groans, "So it's for fun. I know that door's locked."

"You need help. Not like a little help, you need a lot of help. It's like every girl who just has a heartbeat, you're like..." John B says making Callie shake her head.

"Well, I'm learning what kind of boy you turned into." She eyes JJ making him throw his head back at how John B was making him look bad. "This is us." She motions to the door.

"Housekeeping." JJ knocks on the door in a high pitched voice before the three go in looking around the room not really finding anything.

"One, one, one." Callie watches John B try to open the safe with the dumbest number.

"Punching shit at random. That will definitely work." JJ tells him so Callie grabs the small note giving it to John B.

"Try this." She tells him and it works. Opening it they see money and a gun in the safe. "Holy shit." They say together so John B calls JJ over.

He grabs the gun playing around with it while the other two try to get him to stop. "Take a pic of you? You want to make our own incriminating evidence?" Callie looks at him like he was crazy before they hear tapping from the window.

It was Kiara and Pope warning them that the cops were coming then there was knocking on the door. The three rush out the window and there was technically only two hiding spots.

"One of you lift me!" Callie whispers shouts.

"What?" JJ says confused.

"Just do it!" She growls so John B picks her up and she reaches for the little roof above them so JJ quickly helps before they hide to the side.

[knarme-art]

Public note to self about ALL my Avatar OCs and fanclans...

So one day I might remember to make proper infoshits on them lmao.

Recoms

Esko Ilves - ...Medic and a kind of a badly turned out specimen whose life starts as being locked-up in a confused identity state. Currently a complete mess with the lore. Despite stereotypical masc Finnish old dude name has fat boobs and kinda destroys gender by existing.

Vilhelmi - Finnish-American army grunt who worships and respects nothing else than power. Sour-faced joyless bitch who's a bully whenever he can. Hates happy people. Straight. Simps for scary people. The kind of person whose insecurity is taken on absolutely everyone around him in the most destructive ways possible if he's given authority to do so.

Metkayina

Currently unnamed massive dude - Is actually a masc agender fella who uses masc terms etc. but doesn't actually "feel male" (let alone anything else..). He's gigantic and... Hear me out... He literally kins water, like he doesn't identify with na'vi shape or physique at all. If he was on Tumblr he'd say he's xenogender with an ocean-adjacent gender and that he's... Water but in human form. He's truly an odd one, has a rep as a mighty strong warrior but kind of... Likes to stick to his own company. I think he grew up orphaned and severely neglected, or maybe he's just born that way...? I can't be sure! He hunts RDA as almost like a sport and he's feared like an akula!!

Arctic Na'vi

Arctic Ocean People

These are chunky fellas that are even more extremely aquatic-adapted than Reef Na'vi are. There is mostly just barren tundra or ice for land near them so most of their materials are harvested from their oceanic prey.

One of my fanclans is of these Ocean people...

Ice Pirate - (waiting for proper naming) He is literally a pirate because land dwellers with their ships rob his waters of prey and kill his people too.. So he rides Space!Orcas with his chums to go rob those ships back!

Arctic Land People

Short subspecies of Na'vi who are fuzzier relatives of the rainforest Na'vi. They're very widespread in arctic and subarctic lands of Pandora, and many regional variants have a lot of different colorations going on etc.

I have like three different fanclans of these I've thought about.

The Ship Clan - These are the nemesis of Ice Pirate and his people. This clan is unusually dystopian by na'vi standards, since they're sort of colonizers. They have ships. They sail them ships to places and take stuff.

-> I've got one OC draft who's basically a captain of one of these thieving ships and a personal old nemesis of Ice Pirate

The Silver Fur Clan - These are based on a single painting of mine and an associated headcanon. So far I only know a lot of them became refugees because of something that is going on with their home. They have black and silver or gray hair.

The Ochre Fur Clan - Arctic land dwellers who live someplace remote and isolated. Also based on my headcanon of those same paintings I did. They have curly light-brownish-gray hair.

A little storylet with the two previous clans...

Two women from both of these clans get to know each other due to the displacement of the Silver Furs. The Ochre one comes to love and care for the Silver one deeply, but feels like she can't quite reach her the way she'd like to, - due to the events affecting the Silver one having changed her life in ways the Ochre one has never had to navigate. A gap in being able to relate. My headcanons of these two are very... Slice of life. Displaced person adjusts to new life. Another person learns to know her, but learns on the way that there are nightmares bigger than she can ever do anything about. Two people learning to live in an unpredictable world but also with their own differences. Etc. Especially Ochre one is a chronic "fixer", unknowingly ignoring her own obvious problems to be "helpful" and a lot of the time the result is... All but helpful. In this story everyone's mental health is in shambles. Road to shittyplace (since Na'vi don't know Hell) is paved with Good Intentions, right?

....

Now that's all about the Arctic. Moving on!

....

Subarctic Lake Dwellers!

A. k. a. my self-insert pseudo-ancient-Baltic-Finnic-influenced Na'vi. These are actually a hybrid population between Arctic Ocean and Arctic Land Na'vi (mirroring the Finno-Ugrian North Asian and Nortwestern European mixed ancestry). They live in a boreal taiga style forested biome with a gigantic fuckton of lakes. Oh no, I wonder if a Finn made this... THERE ARE SO MANY LAKES.

I only have like one OC draft for these guys and he's just... Well.. Basically my fursona Kalamit in Na'vi form. Pompous hedonistic but generous fisherman (*in transmasc butch lesbian sense) who takes great pride in all he can do for ya babeyy. His magnificent bastard energy is unmatched because he's like pure life energy kinda like Kalamit, my sona, thematically is.

No story going on in here. Na'vi!Kalamit is possibly meant to be simply an RP character to craft stories with...

....

Kxayltirey Nation

...A. k. a. my most ambitious fanclan and the only one I've properly named so far. This is the one with a fuckton of historical and societal worldbuilding attached. Dystopian situation where a past occupation materially vanished, yet stayed in the minds and ways of the people, severing their connection to Eywa.

Class & ecology issues and dystopian angst of people who are born not knowing why their society teaches self-hate and acceptance of authority figures that have the most impressive gaslighting game ever.

Kxayltirey lore is so expansive that it'll need its own posts. Gonna go over some Kxayl OCs of mine...

Kxasi - Young hunter from Kxaylian outskirts. Everyone is disappearing from his village to pursue a life in the central plateau, - the hegemonious hub of the Kxayl society, so Kxasi follows the path of what makes one a well-accomplished one. Kxasi's whole identity revolves around succeeding in the hierarchy, and he is churned into a full existential crisis when gaining a disability that makes flying an ikran impossible. MORE STORY IS OUT THERE BUT IT'S VERY LONG, SORRY CHUMS. <\3

Commander - Trust me bro, he has an actual name too. One of those "air force commanders" of the Kxayl, but reduced to a humiliating job of training n00bs. Takes a mutual curiosity in Kxasi, who is also from the Outskirts. Both had to fight hard for their position, and neither is well-versed in Plateau social etiquette, and they share old cultural practices that still thrive in the Outskirts, and that have become taboo and disappeared in the central plateau. Commander/Kxasi is a canon ship and they are Toxic Yuri. <3 (how toxic, depends on the verse... )

Kxasi's little bro - Tallest person in his family. Really genuine and nice fella but also will hold his ground. Kxasi is reminded of the goodness of people by his brother.

Kxasi's father - Very knowledgeable hunter of the foresty lower plateau cliffs. Has his ancestry in the now-secluded Gorge Forest part of Kxayl society, so he is a knower of ancient ways. He's plural. Generational trauma because of past conflicts is strong here. Him and Kxasi resemble one another deeply.

Kxasi's mother - ...Is from the Plateau. Knows Kxasi's weaker side and feels protective of it.

Kxasi has two uncles and two aunts. But I'm tired of typing.

......

(REMINDER TO WRITE ABOUT THOSE "MISSING LINK SPECIES" THAT ARE TO NA'VI WHAT OTHER HOMININS ARE TO HUMANS, BUT WEIRDER AND MORE EXPANSIVE)

[whiterosechrista]

Introduction

So. I'm realizing (with the vent time post kerfuffle) that it'd probably be a good idea for me to give people a basic understanding of who I am and where I come from, so that they can reference it if any of my posts come off odd/offensive/etc. out of context.

Basic Facts

I'm 24 years old, Caucasian, American, biologically female, comfortable with she/her and they/them pronouns. I'm an introvert who doesn't get out often, but I'm not some basement-dwelling Neckbeard-equivalent. I have a strong sense of empathy, which leads me to want to play mediator often (though thankfully I'm aware of my limits and don't act on every want). My likes include anime, storytelling, art, history, SCP, Kpop, science, outer space, and mac n' cheese (among other things). My dislikes include racism, ablism, homophobia, transphobia, and basically anything else involving unreasonable hate.

History

I grew up as effectively a single child, moving back and forth between houses because my parents were already separated, though not officially divorced. They both loved me, and tried their best to raise me well, but (for reasons I'll touch on later) I definitely bonded more with my mom than my dad. There was one house that at least one of them always lived in consistently, so I think of it as my childhood home.

I was a fairly happy child, I think, though there were some issues with bullying that I can't remember clearly anymore, and it did affect me, though maybe not as much as the school itself; I used to love to draw/paint, and I stopped after I got into school because art class convinced me I wasn't doing it "right."

The teachers (some, at least) didn't like that I learned differently than other kids (e.g. making connections between concepts in Math and English at age ~8), and so made me take one of those "morality tests"; multiple-choice questionnaires about moral decisions like returning a lost wallet (which, btw, I left blank because they hadn't given me enough info about the situation; they decided that meant there was something wrong with me).

(Ironically, this was a Montessori school, which are supposed to be less rigid about teaching styles than standard schools.)

So I transferred to a different Montessori school at age ~10, which had a system where kids would sign their name on their class sheet when they came in, and didn't like that I stopped to say hi to kids in other classes first (for reference, my class was on the second floor, the other kids' were on the ground floor).

Thus, for either this or some other reason, they recommended I go to therapy. My mom, thinking "well, she might have reason to need it", agreed. I spent a while there before the therapist said "this is the most well-adjusted child I've ever seen, please leave so I can tend to people who actually need me."

After about a year of this school, Mom asked if I'd like to try homeschooling, and that's what I've been doing ever since (though technically what we did was unschooling, which is a bit different).

It was after I started homeschooling that I started writing, got really into anime to the point of learning Japanese by watching it, and made my best friends to date.

I've done things like ballet, gymnastics, parkour, circus arts, piano, roller derby, and sang/played at Girls' Rock Camp/Club Boston (though I think the name's changed to be more gender-inclusive). I don't do much of this stuff anymore, though I might get back into it at some point.

Pre-Covid, I was taking drawing classes and Japanese classes (mostly for reading it, since anime didn't teach me that), and back in 2022, I got officially certified to teach English as a second language (though I've yet to find a job, unfortunately).

I'm currently living in an apartment with my mom, sitting around with a sprained back, hoping that it'll heal in time for my best friend to take me on a Duck Boat tour in Boston on June 2nd, and blogging for the first time in my life.

I hope this has helped. It feels like an info-dump, but apparently I can't make anything concise, so here we are.

Feel free to ask/comment/dm me for more details about anything (or just to chat). I might not be comfortable with sharing some things, but most things I should be fine with. Just be respectful about it and we should be good. :)

Edit; just realized I didn't touch on why I bonded more with my mom than my dad. The short version is that mom is open-minded, gentle (though she can definitely be stern), and always asks what I want before doing something, and my dad sort of doesn't always "get it." For instance; the moment I turned 16, he started badgering me about getting my driver's license, even though I barely went anywhere that wasn't in walking distance and anywhere I didn't could be accessed by either public transport or someone else driving me. He also wanted me to do SAT prep and similar things, got stuck in the "Alternative Medicine" rabbithole and somehow still manages to be surprised that my mom won't make me try it without my consent (for reference, this was after I sprained my back; it's not the first time he's wanted me to try Alt Meds and definitely not the first time my mom's refused). So, yeah. He's not a bad guy, and he definitely tries, he's just a bit too stuck in his own world sometimes.

[babygaybenson]

You know I realised something the last time I saw Tarja live.

14 years ago, I used to wake up at 5am, get dressed, and go into London for a Tarja gig. I would wait outside the venue with my friends from 6:30am - 6pm when the doors would open and I would be there with *several* people all around my age. It would be a great time! I would be exhausted, but it was a great time! The feeling when seeing Tarja’s bus arrive around 11am, watching her get off the bus and wave at us all. That feeling of my heart jumping when she would walk past us to get coffee or lunch. It was something I cannot describe. I would go to the concert, dance and scream with my friend from Italy and give myself a violent sore throat. After the concert, we would wait and wait and wait until she came out of the venue at 1am just to meet her.

In 2023 (I’m 31 at this point), I went to see Tarja again. This time, I paid for the VIP experience so I didn’t have to get there so early. I could chill, go to sound check and the meet and greet. It was a great day! She’s a lovely person to meet (seriously like the nicest celebrity I’ve ever met next to Gates McFadden) and I had the money I could pay for it (I’m 32 now). It was the best day of my life and 18 year old me would have been screaming, crying, and throwing up. When I woke up that morning to go to the concert. I had to be at the venue for 2pm so Tarja’s assistant could meet with us, take our names, check our ID, and make sure we weren’t COVID ridden. On the train up there, I was expecting to see the next generation of Tarja girlies outside the venue, waiting, ordering pizza, and singing Tarja and Within Temptation songs, but when I got there - nothing. No one. It was empty. I was super surprised.

When I got home from the concert, the next day, I was reblogging Tarja stuff on tumblr and I saw that the most recent Tarja posts get 20 - 70 notes but older Tarja stuff from when I used to play around on Tumblr, in 2013, had hundreds, if not thousands of notes.

And then I realised something

Tarja fans grew up. We literally grew up. We moved on to other things. We no longer wait outside venues, scream when Tarja walked into a coffee shop across the street, make up songs, or joke about her anymore and I miss it. I miss being young. I realised last year that my adulthood as started and my childhood and adolescence was very much over and Tarja’s fans aren’t getting *any* younger.

Tarja was 32 when she started her solo career, the same age as I am now. I was fresh outta high school at 16. It’s… odd to think about. I brought her first solo album with my very first paycheck. I paid £22 for the deluxe edition of My Winter Storm. She’s in her mid 40s now, with a husband and a kid. She’s posting pictures of wine and her evening walks with her daughter. I remember a time when Tarja didn’t interact with her fans at all on social media and then COVID hit and suddenly she was playing piano for us on Instagram Live, drinking wine, and doing a Q&A.

What I’m saying is - things changed a lot over fifteen years and I didn’t even notice things changing. We got old and I didn’t even notice aging. I miss sitting outside venues and Tarja walking past, laughing that melodic laugh she has and saying “Wow, you guys are crazy! It’s so early!” But you could tell it meant something to her. Like she felt that same heart flutter we all felt.

I don’t really know how to end this rambling session so I’ll say this; I’m seeing Tarja open for Within Temptation in November and no I’m not getting there for 6am. I got seated tickets because my back hurts.

[markdyerhere]

On Tech Support

On May 5, 2023 I got a call that changed my life.

I had just accepted a job offer to work for the Browser Company of New York!

I walked up the stairs to our apartment with great news and my wife told me to sit down. My Mum had called. My Dad had to be rushed to the hospital. He was bleeding internally and it looked like he was suffering renal failure. We flew out to be with him and my Mum. He passed away 9 days later.

My Dad is one of the reasons I’m good with computers.

Dad went to college to learn how to use computers back in the 70s — this was back when computers would take up whole rooms and you had to input commands with punch cards.

He brought home our first home computer in the late 90s; a chunky Compaq Presario that clicked like a bottle nose dolphin as it chugged along. The Compaq was mainly for his side hustle (a carpet cleaning business) and for me and my brothers to do our school work (the side hustle was helping to pay our school fees), but it quickly became my direct portal to the skateboarding article on Encarta and pokemon.com.

Dad’s main job was the night production manager for the Royal Gazette — a job he had for close to 40 years. He would often talk about how he missed the sound of a newsroom. The clacks and thunks of typewriters, the ringing of phones, the chaos of people coming together to make a paper every day. I couldn’t imagine how the Gazette could ever have been a loud place when I would visit him at work. It was deafeningly quiet! He would plop me in front of a computer to play Minesweeper and the only sounds you could hear were my mouse clicks.

Since Dad worked at night, he had a good chunk of hang time waiting for the paper to be ready to go to production. He would listen to internet radio stations, read interesting articles and forward dirty joke emails from his coworkers. When I left home for university my procrastinating study hours and his work hours would sync up. We would email each other links to cool music, videos, articles and, since I was old enough, the odd dirty joke email forward. But we mostly just chatted.

We started saying “I love you” over email

He was a great writer — he wrote just like he spoke — and both of our conversation styles lent themselves to the time delayed back and forth of email. I say something, you read it and think about it, you send a considered response back with a little something extra. Repeat.

We started saying “I love you” over email. We were always close, but we both had a hard time talking about our feelings especially when I was a teenager. Being apart, but still staying in touch over email gave us the space to feel comfortable saying we loved each other. We had no trouble saying it after that — it was one of the first things we said to each other when I could finally come home for Christmas in December 2022.

Tech is very expensive where I come from (about 30% more expensive than the US), so whenever I go home I roll up like Tech Santa with a bag full of laptops, tablets and phones. The Compaq Presario was long gone and Dad’s laptop had seen better days. Dad was a long time Windows user — he wrote his memoirs in Microsoft Word — so he was keen to stay on something familiar.

I got him a Surface Laptop 3. I walked him through setting up Windows 11. I arranged his bookmarks bar in Chrome so he could quickly access his email, Facebook, Youtube and, most importantly, his memoirs which we’d uploaded to Google Drive. He was so happy to have all of his stuff moved over to his new computer and relieved that his memoirs were properly backed up.

Going through his browser after he died was some of the most heartbreaking work I’ve ever done

After he passed away I helped my Mum with the gut wrenching task of cleaning up Dad’s digital life. I made sure she had access to his email and important logins so she could deal with closing accounts and adjusting billing names. I also memorialized his Facebook page to ensure it didn’t get hacked and start spamming friends and relatives with crypto scams.

Dad had several strokes leading up the internal bleeding and renal failure in May 2023. Honestly back in Christmas 2022 he had only recently recovered from his last stroke and he wasn’t quite himself. Going through his browser after he died was some of the most heartbreaking work I’ve ever done. The bookmarks bar that we had carefully set up together was riddled with duplicates — Facebook, Youtube, Google Drive over and over spilling out into a drop down menu. My Dad knew his way around computers. He had been using them since they took up a whole room. I knew some damage had been done after the strokes, although he was very good at hiding it and I don’t think I was ready to admit it at the time. But with him gone and looking into his computer, his window to the world, I couldn’t deny what I had known for at least a year. My Dad had strokes, my Dad had internal bleeding, my Dad was dying, my Dad was gone.

These things — computers, web browsers — they’re not just inert tools waiting to be picked up and used. The more you use them, the more they become a part of you and you of them. The laptop lid gets scratched, coffee is spilled onto the keyboard, cords become frayed, bookmarks get bundled up into folders to be forgotten, passwords get scribbled on sticky notes and then reset again, tabs sit open for months just in case, URLS and search queries are typed in repeatedly just because you’ve built up the muscle memory — facebook, youtube, google drive, pokemon.com.

We’re all about to be new at this again

A developer friend of mine once said to me, “the future is here and we’re all bad at it”. University level STEM students don’t know how file paths work, they don’t teach kids to type anymore and more and more jobs across a variety of fields require some degree of computer literacy. Everyone is expected to just know how to use computers, but as my Mum would say “I’ve never had a lesson!”. As we head into the next phase of computing — where you work with the computer instead of simply using the computer — much of your interactions will be through AI language models, but even the people building those don’t really know how they work. We’re all about to be new at this again — new at computers, new at web browsers, new at everything. Now more than ever, we’re all going to need some help. Hopefully that help comes from someone who understands what you’re going through, what you’re trying to get done and can meet you where you’re at.

What we’re building is so much more than just a portal to websites

On June 5 2023 I started a job that changed my life. I started working at the Browser Company of New York!

I help to build Arc, a product that I love, with some of the most talented, thoughtful and inspiring people I’ve ever met. I helped bring Arc to Windows, so people like my Dad could use this very special browser that feels like my home on the internet.

I truly feel like I’m doing the best work of my life and that’s because what we’re building is so much more than just a portal to websites. It’s where you do your work. It’s where you hang out with friends. It’s where you pirate anime, do your taxes and send emails to your Dad.

It’s where you live your life. As we continue to build I hope to be that human voice on the other side of the computer that helps you feel like Arc is for you, for your stuff, for your life. I want to help Arc feel like home. See you on the internet ✌️ Love you, Dad!