#i got every negative symptom you could possibly get for it and that's not an exagerration. terrifying. almost killed myself.

[misterxsamsa]

They're doing the Nailbunny experiments on me again [I've got another psychiatrist], I'm on Vyvanse now, and it's making me oh-so freaking sleepy. I'm a medical anomaly because anything they throw at me literally works the opposite as intended.

[retroaria]

hey! I'm not really into nsfw stuff- sooo would you like to do something soft with reo? 😭 like, idk, him as a husband or father so with a family? THANK YOU SO MUCH 💗💗

✮⋆˙ domestic reo headcanons ✮⋆˙

a/n: this is so brain rotted i can’t even lie i think reo is just so easy to romanticize. pure fluff.

• | BLUE LOCK M.LIST | enjoy !! - aria 💜 | •

✮ I actually love this because i headcanon that reo would be a great dad :D at the very least he’d be extremely supportive of whatever his children wanted to do in their lives. He wouldn’t force them to follow in his footsteps like his father and he’d use whatever devices he could to ensure they can comfortably follow the path they choose.

✮ Would post about all his children’s accomplishments, or if you guys didn’t feel comfortable posting the kids he’d still take any chance to tell everyone about it - even his teammates who literally don’t care that his son got the highest score on the spelling test (they’re happy for him though). He secretly enjoys scrapbooking for his kids but they’re “your books” and he “just helps you with it sometimes”. (he’s the one who took almost all the pictures and saved every piece of paper his kid has ever drawn on)

✮ Reo is a charming husband, so charming and sweet it’s hard to be mad at him. He’s a bit lacking in cleaning/caretaking capabilities when it comes to the home but he puts in the effort??? He tries his best and if he does a bad job he always makes it up to you one way or another. In all honesty, he’s probably already hired people to do that (forgot this man is inheriting a multi millionaire dollar corporation).

✮ Reo is however very good at taking care of children. Once he has a clear grasp of their needs, he finds it to be really enjoyable and fulfilling. He takes a lot of pride in whatever happiness and comfort he can bring to his kids. He hates the sound of his babies crying, not because it’s annoying (though he complains about that too) but because it genuinely hurts his soul. He can be a bit too worrisome about it sometimes - he’s totally the type of person to look up his child’s symptoms and freak out over seeing all the worst case scenarios.

✮ The one thing that reo particularly excels at is taking care of you when you’re sick. He can always tell when you’re not feeling your best and he immediately harps on you. He doesn’t know how to cook very well but he knows how to make a few different kinds of warm foods to fill your stomach and give you a little energy. He’d absolutely refuse to stay away from you (unless it was a seriously contagious illness or if you guys had a baby that could’ve gotten sick). Doesn’t care if you’re sneezing and coughing and wheezing, he wants to feed you and hold you and kiss your hot head until it cools down and everything is better again. His goal is always to make sure you get better as soon as possible and won’t let you do anything but rest and relax until then.

✮ Reo is an incredible gift giver! I’ve certainly mentioned this in another hc post, but he is always out and about buying you little things that remind him of you. If you guys have a kid that’s just more gifts he’ll have to get and the thought of that honestly excites him.

✮ Anything can happen but…reo with a daughter…guys….

✮ he would be the sweetest girl dad! would do everything in his power to make her believe she’s an actual princess and he’s just one of her loyal servants. Spoils her rotten and doesn’t feel bad about it.

✮ You’d have to explain to him how this could negatively affect your daughter and it would break his heart. He’d go into theatrics trying to refute it because “What do you mean I can’t let her have everything she wants?” and “What if she cries? You want me to make my daughter cry?” he gets it eventually, but remains reluctant lol.

✮ He’d love playing sports with his kids. Would try to get them into soccer but if they end up liking another sport he’s still just as hype. Isn’t initially familiar with the concept of letting the kids win but soon realized he has to level with the speed of their little legs.

✮ I don’t have any specific hc’s for him as a boy dad but he’d be just as great of course - he’d make sure his son sees how women should be treated based on how he treats you!

✮ If he could find a way to make you the total world ruler he would because he truly believes you’re the most capable person. He’s the kind of husband who lets you run things for the most part but is always there to step in when you need a break or if you just want him by your side. Would call for an emergency flight back home from whatever country he’s training in just because you said you didn’t wanna go to parent teacher night alone.

✮ He loves doing mundane tasks with you, but always tries to “make it a bit more fun” as he says - which basically means he puts away the clothes you fold while you listen to him crack really bad jokes at you, gossip about his teammates, or try to sing and serenade you with his MANY playlists he’s made dedicated to you. On days you both have nothing going on he follows you around the house like a lost puppy, which is slightly annoying but it also means you have four hands to do stuff because he’s a participator above all else.

✮ Reo always makes sure to show his appreciation for how hard you work whether it’s at your job, taking care of the kids/house, or both. He takes time alone with you very seriously, even as your lives get busier and your family grows he always makes sure there’s time for the two of you to just be together and be in love. Always jokes about how you guys need to keep the romance going. He has small romantic gestures that he indulges you in throughout the day: kissing you on the cheek, brushing your hair out of your face/tying it back for you if you if you need (taking his hair tie out for you to use), hugging you a little tighter just before you get up, running a bath for the both of you, massaging your shoulders while you talk.

to be fully honest with you guys, i have never in my life wanted to have kids so it was a bit hard for me to imagine what being happy with children would be like LMAO but alas i did my best. stay safe and stay cool. - aria :3

[emmyspov]

Prioritise yourself (Thranduil x Reader)

author's note: happy easter to everyone who celebrates it and a happy weekend to all either way🪻this is honestly one of the most scary things i've posted because it's something so personal that i relate to a lot, but i thought maybe someone else might need it, too🥺 please always remember that nothing will ever be more important than your health and well-being 🩷

warnings: symptoms of burnout, lack of sleep, exhaustion, negative self-talk, skipping meals, mentions of food, nudity (for taking a bath together) - please please please let me know if I forgot something! 🩷

word count: 1.9k

edit is mine, all pics are from pinterest :)

It had seemed like a smart idea when you offered Thranduil to help him with all the paperwork.

His days were filled with meetings and more often than not he only returned to your chambers once it was dark already.

So, for the past few months, you had been - more or less secretly - helping him with whatever you could: sending out invitations to other royals, filing away documents, re-writing contracts so all that would be left to do was sign them.

You were the king's partner after all and you wanted to help him as much as possible. This was your kingdom, your home, as much as it was his, as he regularly reminded you.

Thranduil noticed, obviously. The hours in his study were reduced since most things were taken care of in a perfect way already - he could return to your private rooms right after dinner and spend time with you instead which the Elvenking appreciated immensely.

However, over the past few weeks, things have taken a turn. And Thranduil noticed that, too.

How, on some days, you would get up earlier than him, how you would skip lunch and dinner with him - although it was one of your favorite things since you got to spend it with one another during your otherwise busy schedules - and instead eat by yourself, hunched over some papers. He noticed your tired eyes and dull skin and- lack happiness, to cut it short.

Worry didn't even remotely describe what he was feeling. He felt sick to his stomach when he thought about you being unhappy.

Today was no different.

You had gotten up before sunrise, leaving your husband a little love letter, before entering your own study to take care of all official things.

There was a lot to do. Other elves as much as people from Laketown and even dwarves were sending letters, hoping to schedule a meeting with the king himself to talk over whatever was bothering them.

You made it your mission to answer every single one of them, noting down appointments and also sending out excuses if Thranduil wasn't the right one to talk to when it came to certain matters.

By the end of the day, your head was pounding. You let out a yawn and rubbed your eyes, hoping to relieve some of the pressure behind them, but to no use.

Closing them for only a minute wouldn't hurt. You could still look for your husband afterwards.

A line had been crossed for the Elvenking.

It was the second day in a row that you skipped your shared meals and from what he just learned, you weren't eating them at all.

He needed to talk to you. He wouldn’t - and couldn’t - let you destroy yourself over some work. Your happiness and well being came first and he would make you realise that, no matter the cost.

After reaching your study and receiving no answer to his knocks, he let himself in with determined steps, only to stop abruptly as soon as he saw your sleeping figure. His eyes softened immediately.

"Oh, meleth."

With two big steps, he was by your side, crouching down until he was on eye level with you. Even in your sleep, you looked stressed, your eyebrows scrunched up, reminding him of the times you woke up from a bad dream.

"What are you doing to yourself, hm?"

Gentle, as if you would break like glass if he touched you with too much force, he picked you up and carried you out of the room and into your shared bed chamber where he set you down on the soft mattress and covered you with a fluffy blanket.

Thranduil left the room again for only a few moments so he could blow out the candle in your study and put everything where it belonged. He himself hated to work at a messy desk and didn't want you to deal with the same thing once you would return to work, although he didn't want to think about that yet. For now, you needed rest and all the love and care you could get.

He returned to your bedroom after he spoke to some of his subordinates to let them know neither he nor you would be available in the next three days.

You were still fast asleep, curled up into the blanket. The king walked over to you and slowly began to remove all your uncomfortable clothing before he himself put on a night gown.

Only then did he lay down next to you, carefully maneuvering your body into his arms, your head on his chest. Even in your sleep you wrapped your arm around his waist and entangled your legs, letting out a small sigh.

"Sleep, meleth, you've been working too hard", your husband whispered and brought his delicate fingertips up to brush some hair out of your face before letting them trail down to your back, rubbing some calming circles into your shoulder. "I'll watch over you, I promise."

And Thranduil kept his word.

He stayed up to make sure you slept through the night, occasionally pressing a kiss to your temple or the top of your head while his fingers were always touching you in some way.

It was nearly lunch time when you woke up the next day.

After noticing you were still cuddled up with your husband although the sun was already shining into the room, you immediately sat up.

"I- I overslept, oh Varda, there is so much to do. Why didn’t you wake me, my love?"

With a gentle force, Thranduil pressed you back onto the mattress.

"You've been overworking yourself for weeks and your health and happiness are suffering in return. I told everyone we wouldn't be available for the next few days. For the foreseeable future, we'll only take care of you."

You didn't want to cry. And you tried really hard to keep the tears at bay, but when the Elvenking looked at you with so much love in his eyes, you couldn’t stop them.

"I'm sorry for failing you, my king."

The elf wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close. "Oh meleth, no. No, you didn't fail me, you never have. And you never will."

"I can't even take care of myself", you hiccuped, burying your face in the crook of his neck. "It's like the work and the pressure never stop and I'll never be good enough and now I am sitting here, crying to you, a literal king who has way more responsibility than me. I am so sorry to burden you with this."

Thranduil's heart was breaking. He couldn't believe this was how you saw yourself when, to him, you were the most beautiful being in all of Middle Earth.

"You are never a burden to me. Do you hear me? Never. We can fix this. You have to learn how to prioritise yourself. I can teach you. I will teach you. And we will start right now. You must be hungry, what do you want to eat?"

You fumbled around with your hands before looking up at the Elvenking. "Could I have some pancakes?"

Thranduil leaned forward to press a kiss against your nose. "Whatever you want, meleth nîn."

With one swift motion, he got up, put on one of his majestic robes and made his way to the kitchen to order your beloved pancakes and some additional treats as well as some hot and cold beverages.

He returned to your chambers with a first tray of food, watching your face lit up with delight at the sweet smell.

"Here you go, my love. Eat as much as you want and take all the time you need. There are no other things that need to get done today or the next few days."

You nodded and grabbed a plate, happily munching on the food the servants were bringing in over time.

The king was watching you carefully while he himself ate something. It was more than obvious that all the food was good for your mind, body and soul.

You let yourself fall back against the sheets when you were done, letting out a satisfied sigh. "That was good."

"It is about to get better. What do you think of a bath?"

Your eyes lit up. "Right now?"

The elf couldn't help but let out a soft chuckle. "Is that what you want?"

You sat up, enthusiastically bouncing on the mattress and nodding your head. "Yes, please!"

Thranduil stood up again and walked into the bathroom, filling the tub with hot water and your favourite bath salts and flower petals before coming back to you.

With ease, he wrapped his arms around you and lifted you off the bed, carrying you into the bathroom.

"Arms up", he ordered gently and removed your clothing, doing the same to himself afterwards.

"You're so handsome", you breathed out as you softly pressed your hand against his chest, right above his heart. "I'm so lucky to have you."

Thranduil's heart started to beat faster under your touch and praise and you smiled, feeling butterflies in your stomach at the fact that you still had this effect on him.

He lifted you into the tub, setting you down and lowering himself behind you, pulling your body flush against his chest.

"I'm the lucky one."

You shook your head before letting it fall back against his shoulder. "You take care of me when I can't do it myself."

The king's deft fingers brushed through your hair, letting them trail down your arm. "We take care of each other. You are the one who decreased my work load so I'd have more time."

You intertwined your hands. "Well, of course. I want you to be well."

A kiss was pressed against the top of your head. "Do you see my point?"

You nodded. "I think I do."

Thranduil let his thumb brush over the back of your hand. "Tomorrow, we can take a walk in the garden and look at all the blossoming flowers. Or we can do whatever else will make you happy."

A smile graced your lips. "Just being with you makes me happy."

Gently, the ellon grabbed your chin and turned your head around so he could kiss you. You melted into his embrace, smiling against his lips.

"Gi melin", he whispered after you two had parted for air and you replied with the same sentiment.

Once you two had soaked in the water for a while, the Elvenking grabbed your shampoo and lathered up his hands before bringing them up to your scalp to work in the product.

The more time you spend like this with your husband - in your little bubble of happiness and safety - the lighter your heart felt.

And it only got better when Thranduil's hands wandered down your head to your neck and shoulders, massaging your tense muscles to help you relax even further.

You shuddered and the king grinned to himself. He was just as pleased as you were earlier that his touch could, still, make you weak in the knees.

"Rest, meleth", he whispered as he continued to work on your upper back. "There will be time to talk about long-term adjustments and solutions, but for now, you can let yourself fall. I'll be there to catch you."

Everything-Taglist: @shadowhuntyi @asgardianhobbit98 @fizzyxcustard

-> if you want to be added or removed from my taglist, just shoot me a message or an ask 🩷

[katboykirby]

Autistic Beel is very real to me personally, as an autistic person (special interest, not very expressionate, etc). I also very much agree with the Satan and Levi headcanons too.

Oh this is interesting because I don't think I've heard about an autistic! Beel HC before? Usually (in my experience anyway) it's autistic! Levi and very very occasionally autistic! Satan

Now, full disclosure that I'm not autistic myself, so any information I'm familiar with comes from research + the experiences of my irl partner, who got his autism diagnosis as an adult. (I do have ADHD and I know that there's some relation/overlap there, but I'd still trust the words and experiences of actual autistic people over my own)

And I can definitely see some aspects of autism in Beel! Like you said, he doesn't tend to show much of any particularly strong emotions, at least not openly or on the surface - he tends to keep a fairly flat expression (and his usual frown could be interpreted as the classic neurodivergent "resting bitch face" aha) and his voice clips reflect this as well - he's definitely not as affective as say, Mammon or Asmo! Beel is a lot more quiet than his brothers, on average. He's not really very emotive or expressive outside of specific or extreme situations. Although, I don't tend to go for the romantic options with him or read his personal Devilgram stories all that often (since I'm a Satanfucker) but I'm aware that he's usually more emotive in romantic moments with MC, or when things get tense/dramatic with his family.

Speaking of which, something that we do occasionally see is Beel losing his temper and becoming very angry - to the point that he loses control of himself and goes on rampages. The most significant examples of this in the main story would be Lessons 4 and 5 of the original game, when he flies into a rage over some custard and ends up destroying half of MC's room; and the whole plotline in Nightbringer revolving around Beel's rampage at the royal castle that almost resulted in Diavolo having to lock him up because of how much destruction he caused. I know that "autism rage" is pretty negatively stereotyped (unfairly so, in my opinion) but anger is definitely a real struggle for individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders

The whole food thing is definitely interesting in this context as well (and I assume this is what you meant by "special interest?" Lmk if I'm wrong) because Beel is the complete opposite of the common autism stereotypes when it comes to food! We often see the idea of autistic individuals having a very limited scope of foods that they actually enjoy, because things like texture, flavour, and sensation are all very different and experienced in a different way than neurotypicals. Autistic individuals are stereotyped as "picky eaters" because it's common for them to have very specific "safe foods" and/or not enjoy very many exotic or strong flavours. Beel definitely does not have a problem with this, lmao. And we know that his love/obsession with all foods isn't something that came about just when he was made the Avatar of Gluttony, since he was a big food lover as an angel as well (though his eating habits, admittedly, weren't as extreme back then.) Interestingly, a lot of research shows that people with autism are more likely to struggle with binge eating disorder, which has some intriguing implications for Beelzebub 👀

It's entirely possible that exercise & working out and/or sports like Fangol could be special interests for him as well! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that Beel has mentioned or alluded to feeling restless if he doesn't get at least one workout in every day, like he doesn't feel that his day is "complete" if he hasn't done his exercise routines. This could suggest that he experiences the common autism symptoms around adherence to routines and inflexibility when it comes to changing up his usual habits and activities 🤔

This reply has actually become pretty long, so I'll just stop myself here before I get carried away even further 😅

Overall, I think that there's definitely merit to autistic! Beel HCs, and I'm sure that people who are actually autistic and/or are big fans of Beel himself (and who would have read far more of his in-game content than I have, like his Devilgrams) would be able to go into even more detail than I have!

[scarabsinthestardust]

Tender // Ch. 8

MASTERLIST

word count: 4300+

Friends, this has been a wild rollercoaster ride. I can't begin to explain how appreciative I am of the readers that stuck with me on this one (and the ones who gave it a shot, even if you didn't keep reading). With that being said, this is the last chapter of Tender. HOWEVER, it is not the end of the story, and it is not the last time we will see Finn. Things are going to get much worse before they get better, but good things are coming Josh's way. (I promise I'll stop bullying him soon ;-;) Keep an eye out for the next installment in this shitshow, Right on Time.

CHAPTER WARNINGS: language; angst; social drinking; alcoholism; mentions of rehab; post-traumatic stress disorder; other unspecified undiagnosed mental illness; fever; vomiting; nightmares; mentions of previous child abuse; some scary images; unintentional self-harm; dissociating; mentions of cheating; toxic and manipulative behavior; physical violence; domestic abuse; fisticuffs; injuries; blood; panic attack; desire to die but not necessarily suicidal ideation

When I was in rehab, the psychiatrist alluded to the possibility that I had post-traumatic stress disorder. I had gotten defensive, telling him he was grasping at straws and just trying to get me diagnosed with something so they could pump me full of drugs. The more he pestered me, trying to pry into my life and delve into my childhood, the angrier I got, until I eventually blew up on him. I didn’t get physically violent, but I said quite a lot of hurtful things to the man, who was just trying to do his job.

Some time later, when Josh was fast asleep and I couldn’t get my mind to shut up, I got curious and did some of my own research.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that is caused by an extremely stressful or terrifying event – either being part of it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, and uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Once I started reading about it, I couldn’t stop. I just kept digging that hole deeper and deeper.

Emotional numbness. Avoidance. Hypervigilance. Sleep issues. Difficulty concentrating. Feelings of hopelessness. Negative thoughts about oneself or the world. Ongoing negative emotions such as fear, anger, guilt, or shame. Feeling detached or numb. Irritability and having angry outbursts. Behaving recklessly or in a self-destructive way.

I didn’t care to look through the treatment, because in my mind, that meant I would have to admit the psychiatrist was right. It would mean I was actually sick, that there was something legitimately wrong with me and it wasn’t all in my head. But the part that scared me the most was it meant Josh wouldn’t be able to save me.

~

“You’re burning up, baby.” Josh frets as he feels my forehead with the back of his hand. “Hang on, let me find the thermometer.”

“I’m fine,” I try to reassure him, but I’m fatigued and don’t have the energy to make it convincing. I close my eyes and will the pounding in my head to stop. Josh returns with a thermometer, a glass of water, and Tylenol.

“101.1. We’ll have to watch it. If it gets higher, I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“I don’t want to go to the fucking hospital,” I mumble.

“If it gets worse, I’m not giving you a choice. Here.”

I take the pills without too much of a struggle and chug the water before lying back down. “I just need sleep.”

“I know, babe. Get some rest. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.” He kisses my head and leaves me alone to sleep off whatever bug I caught.

My sleep is fitful and plagued with nightmares. Every time I drift off, I end up in the same place – at the front steps of that godforsaken house, in the dark shade of trees I never wanted to see again. Sometimes it’s quiet and empty, abandoned and dilapidated. Other times, I see a light on inside, the ugly yellow lamplight I’d grown to hate. My heart drops when the front door creaks open and she steps out, a bundle of leather straps in her hand. I try to run but my legs won’t move. I’m too weak to fight her off, as if I’m a child again, just trying to survive the wrath of a sick and deluded mother.

A part of me knows I’m dreaming, but everything seems so real. She drags me up the steps and through the front door before everything goes dark. I know we came into the house, but now I don’t know where I am. The cellar, maybe? It’s all very unclear. There are things clawing at me, tearing into my skin; I can’t tell if it’s her or something else, something inhuman. There are things wrapping around my limbs, pulling me in different directions, making my joints burn from the strain. I make another attempt to run, but I stumble and fall, my face hitting the cold, hard ground. I feel the weight of something crawling on top of me, hot breath in my ear, something wet being dragged along my neck, and a boy’s voice that is unknown but somehow familiar…

I’m drenched in sweat when I wake up but still can’t help the shiver that runs down my spine. I can taste blood in my mouth. Everything is spinning and the nausea hits me full force. I jump up and stumble to the bathroom, just in time to empty the meager contents of my stomach into the toilet.

Josh must have heard the noise, and I hear his rushed footsteps approaching. I blindly reach up to flush the toilet and rest my head on my arm. I’m not quite quick enough and I can hear the panic in Josh’s voice. “Fuck, are you throwing up blood?!” He drops to the floor next to me and tries to lift my head.

“I think I just bit my tongue. I’m okay.”

“Jesus, what the hell did you do to your neck? Did you scratch yourself?” He stands to find a washcloth. While he’s holding it under the running water, I reach up to touch the side of my neck, where I can feel three decent sized scratches. My skin burns and there is blood on my hand when I pull away.

Josh gets to work cleaning them up and I sit silently, letting him take care of it. I’m still in a haze, where nothing feels quite real yet. He puts another cool, wet washcloth on the back of my neck and feels my forehead again. “You still feel really warm,” he says. “Finn, I know you don’t want to, but I think you should go see a doctor.”

I groan and shoot him a glare. “Not fucking happening.”

“I’m worried about you,” he whispers.

“Don’t be.” I avoid his eyes as I sit up, moving the cold compress to my forehead, and promptly leaning against the wall. I’m not ready to move yet, much less try to walk anywhere. I can’t even formulate enough of a thought to string together anymore words that make sense. When I try to speak to Josh, my speech is slurred, which only makes him more concerned. The only thing I’m sure of is I don’t want to go back to sleep. I don’t want to go back to that place.

Still, I let josh help me back to the bedroom, once I’m sure I won’t vomit again. He leaves a small trash can next to the bed, though, just in case, and a fresh glass of water on the nightstand. I consider asking him to stay, but I’m vaguely aware that I’m still sweating like a stuck pig and in desperate need of a shower. I also don’t want to give him whatever bug I have, assuming he hasn’t caught it already.

I fight sleep as hard as I can, but I don’t have the energy to win that battle. Over the course of the next two days, I am stuck in this blurry, dream-like state. I’m in and out of consciousness and mostly unable to differentiate between the two. I’m only slightly aware of Josh checking in on me, offering food and medicine. I should be grateful he’s here, putting everything on hold to take care of me, but I find myself wishing I was alone.

The fever does finally break, but I still have no answer for what brought it on in the first place. Josh doesn’t get sick, so whatever it is must not be that contagious. Or maybe I did it to myself. Maybe all the terrible things I’ve done are finally catching up to me, whether it’s karma or some god I don’t believe in.

Even though my body is starting to recover, my mind doesn’t feel right. I think I’m stuck in a dissociative state. It’s like I’m watching from the sidelines, with no real control over myself, but I’m all too heedful about how dangerous this can be, and how dangerous I can be. Josh is still fretting over my well-being, but when I look at him, it feels like I’m looking at a stranger. His home, that should be familiar and comforting, is foreign to me. I don’t really know how to explain it; it’s almost as if that part of my brain that knows him, that loves him, has been disconnected. I want out, but I don’t know how, and it terrifies me that I don’t understand why. I’ve wanted nothing in my entire life as much as I’ve wanted him. I went to rehab for him. And now I feel suffocated. Maybe I just need space, and perhaps I could simply ask him for it, but when have I ever done the simple thing? So I ask him to go to the store to grab me something, and while’s he’s gone, I pack a bag and run.

~

JOSHUA

“C’mon, it’ll be fun. And you need to get out of the house.”

Josh stood in the kitchen, pretending to search his cabinets for something to cook, and sighed at Sam’s insistence. “I can’t. What if Finn-“

“Fuck Finn,” spat Jake. “It’s been three weeks. If he wanted to be here, he would be. You need to stop worrying about someone who can’t even spare you a fucking phone call.” Jake was done pretending, done being civil for Josh’s sake. Too many times he’d watched his brother cry over a guy that wasn’t worth his time.

“Yeah,” Sam agreed. “Way I see it, you have every right to let loose and have a little fun. Hell, go get laid.”

Josh snorted. “I’m not gonna do that.”

“Why not? He probably is.” Sam didn’t mean for his words to sound so insensitive, and guilt washed over him at the look on Josh’s face. “Sorry, that was shitty,” he mumbled.

“I’m just saying, maybe you need to move on from this. He’s not good for you.”

“He’s sick, Jake. It’s not his fault.”

“He’s using it as an excuse to treat you like shit,” Jake scoffed. He stepped closer to Josh when he didn’t respond and placed a hand on his twin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. We’re just worried about you. Whatever the hell Finn’s going through, he’s got to figure it out. You can’t fix him, and you can’t let him drag you down with him.”

Josh mulled over his brothers’ words for days. He was hurting. He felt abandoned and lost. He couldn’t wrap his head around why Finn would just leave; they hadn’t argued, and he’d been doing so good at working to stay sober. But Josh could tell something had been off when his boyfriend fell ill, he just didn’t know what and frankly, was too afraid to address it. He reached a point where he thought he’d be okay if this was really the end of their relationship, but the uncertainty was killing him. He prayed for some type of closure, anything to solidify what he thought was already happening – Josh was losing him.

Thursday marked four weeks since he’d seen or heard from Finn, and Saturday he agreed to tag along to a house party with his brothers. They had pestered him about it until he finally just gave in to the peer pressure. It seemed wrong; he felt guilty for attending a party while Finn was still MIA, but Jake was right. He probably needed to at least think about moving on.

The party was on the other side of town, hosted by one of Daniel’s friends. Most of the attendees were people Josh had never met in his life. He wasn’t even sure what the occasion was, if there was one. There was a big enough turnout that it was difficult to move through the crowd without bumping into someone. The music was loud; partygoers had to practically yell to be heard over it. It reminded him of a stereotypical college frat party. Josh started by cracking into the seemingly endless supply of alcohol, in hopes it would help him relax a little.

He stuck with Jake at first, mingling with a few people and finding his bearings until he felt comfortable enough to wander off on his own. Between the alcohol and the good company, he began to unwind. He got roped into a game of beer pong, which he drastically lost, but more importantly, he was having fun. If nothing else, it was a very welcome distraction from all the pain and stress he’d been suffering of late.

Hours flew by in a flash. Josh found himself actually enjoying the socialization, joking and laughing with some newfound friends. Since Finn had disappeared, he’d been compulsively checking his phone every chance he got, but he hadn’t looked at it in hours. He didn’t even notice it buzzing in his pocket.

It was getting late, the night starting to creep into the hours when most people are in bed. Some of the guests had begun to filter out but there was still a significant crowd. A few of them were passed out in whatever empty spots they could find. Danny and Sam were playing a card game with a few friends when Danny saw something that made him do a double take. He tapped Sam’s leg to get his attention.

“Am I imagining things, or is that Finn?”

Sam scanned the room until he found who his boyfriend was looking at. “Nope, definitely Finn. Did he talk to Josh?”

“How else would he have known where we are?” Daniel frowned. “I don’t have a good feeling about this, Sammy.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

The pair excused themselves from their card game and stood to look for Josh. “Shit, where’d he go?” Finn had disappeared from Danny’s view so quickly he wondered if he’d imagined it. They found Jake first and pulled him aside to let him know what they saw.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he swore.

Josh was on the opposite side of the house, drinking and chatting with some newfound friends. At the sight of recognizable red hair in his periphery, his head shot towards it. “What…?” When his eyes met Finn’s, his heart dropped. In a matter of seconds, his confusion and shock turned into anger, and he jumped up to make his way to his boyfriend (or whatever he was now). He didn’t give Finn a chance to speak before he grabbed the taller man’s arm and was practically dragging him to the back patio door.

Most of the guests stayed inside due to the cold weather, so the deck was mostly empty. The air nipped at Josh’s nose and fingers; he’d forgotten to grab his jacket but that was the least of his concerns right now. “Finn, what the fuck are you doing here? How did you even know I was here?” Josh was fighting to keep his voice hushed to not attract the attention of any nosy onlookers.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll explain everything, but… not here.” He looked around at his surroundings, feeling very uncomfortable about the number of strangers nearby. “Can we go?” He reached out for Josh’s hand, but Josh pulled away.

“No. You don’t get to ghost me for four weeks then come back and call the shots. You tell me now, or you leave.”

“Josh, c’mon. I don’t want to do this here. And you’re drunk. Let’s just-“

Josh cut him off with a scoff. “I’m drunk? I’m not the one with the fucking problem! Don’t pretend like I can’t smell it all over you!”

Finn gritted his teeth. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t understand.”

“Of course I don’t understand, because you won’t talk to me! You’d rather just run away. You’d rather disappear and leave me with no idea where you are, if you’re dead or alive, who you’re fucking.” He choked out the last few words, his emotions getting the better of him. “Do you have any idea what that does to me? How much that hurts?”

He expected Finn to get defensive, to swear up and down that he never cheated, but silence speaks louder than words sometimes, and Josh took a step back. “Seriously?” He dropped his gaze to the ground for a moment, then fixed it back on Finn. If he was going to do this, he was going to look the other man in the eye. “I think we’re done. You should go.”

“You can’t… you can’t just abandon me, Josh. I need you.”

“No, you need help. Help that I can’t give you.”

“Don’t do this. I’ll get better. I can still get better. I just need more time. It won’t happen again, I can-“

“Stop. You say that every time, ya know. And it keeps happening. I can’t keep doing this.” There was a knot tightening up in Josh’s stomach and his chest ached. He hated this feeling; he never wanted to hurt Finn, but he knew it was something he had to do. “It’s not that I don’t love you, Finn. I stayed with you when… when I probably shouldn’t have because I love you. I gave so much to you. But I gave you everything I have, and I don’t have anything left. I need to take care of myself for a little while, okay?”

A multitude of emotions ran through Finn as he processed the other man’s words. It was like a spinning game show wheel and when it finally stopped, the little arrow landed on rage. He didn’t really plan on reacting the way he did, but once he started moving, he couldn’t stop himself.

Neither one of them noticed that Jake, Sam, and Daniel had found them and were making their way outside. So, when Finn’s fist collided with Josh’s jaw, any calmness that was left in the atmosphere completely dissipated. As Josh stumbled backwards, Jake lunged and landed a few blows of his own on Finn. He wasn’t as strong, but he was certainly fast and could do a decent amount of damage. Sam rushed to check on his oldest brother as Daniel tried to wrestle the other two men apart. Some bystanders had begun to file outside to get a better look at what was causing the commotion.

Everything happened so fast, but at the same time, to Josh, it seemed like it was happening in slow motion. He could taste blood in his mouth where his lip split and his jaw was throbbing. His voice cracked as he yelled for them to stop, and his cheeks were wet with salty tears he didn’t even realize were falling. Sam held him back as he tried to get to them, begging them to quit fighting. He didn’t know if he was more worried about Jake or Finn.

Danny managed to separate the two men, and he shoved Finn away to create some distance. He prepared himself to block (or take) some more blows, but they didn’t come. Finn stood back, chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. He held the back of his hand under his broken and bleeding nose. Jake, still livid, made a move to close the breadth between them again, but was held back by Danny. He was sporting what would eventually be a black eye and his knuckles were bruised and cut open. Finn looked between the two in front of him, Sam behind them, and realized he was outnumbered.

Josh was suddenly all too aware of the group of partygoers that were staring at them like it was some kind of free show. “Jake?”

Jake hesitated, not wanting to take his eyes off of Finn, but slowly turned to face his twin. Noticing Josh’s injury had him seeing red all over again. His base instinct was to go after Finn for a second time, to keep hitting him until he was sure he wouldn’t get back up, but the look on Josh’s face kept him still. It was a silent question, a plea: Can we go home?

He glared back at the redheaded man, mostly for good measure. “You ever touch my brother again, I’ll fucking kill you.”

Finn spat blood out of his mouth. “This is your fault, Josh. You did this.”

Sighing, Josh answered quietly, “No, you did this to yourself. I hope you can get some help.” He didn’t wait for a response before turning and walking away, his brothers close behind.

He wasn’t interested in going home; he wanted to be with his brother, where he felt safe. He also figured Finn would return sooner or later to get his belongings that he left at Josh’s house.

The car ride back to Jake’s was quiet, save for the music coming through the speakers. When the four of them entered the house, Kya was on the couch. “Hey, you guys are back early. What… holy shit, what happened?” She took in the twins separate wounds and bruises and frantically stood.

“Finn happened,” grumbled Jake, walking past her and into the kitchen.

Josh offered her a sad smile. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “It’s over.”

Jake returned with an ice pack and shooed Josh into the downstairs bathroom.

“What about your hands?” Josh asked as he sat on the toilet lid and held the ice pack on his jaw.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll take care of it after.” He got to work cleaning Josh’s busted lip and applied some antibiotic ointment. The silence was unsettling; it was never like Josh to be this quiet. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just… I feel so stupid.”

Jake sighed and leaned up against the countertop, crossing his arms. “It’s not your fault. And don’t let him make you think it is.”

“I knew he wasn’t good for me. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if I had the balls to leave the first time.”

As Jake registered the words, he stared at Josh, face painted with concern and anger. “The first time? He’s hit you before?”

Josh kept his eyes on the ground as he spoke. “He’s never decked me like this, but he… yeah.” He hadn’t wanted anyone to know what really happened. In truth, he was humiliated for letting it get to this point. But he’d resigned himself to the fact he couldn’t hide it from Jake anymore. He briefly recounted what really happened when he hurt his arm, and the incident before he went to New York, along with a few others he had swept under the rug in hopes that if he pretended they didn’t happen, they would just go away. “Don’t tell mom, please. She’s gonna ask why we broke up. I don’t want her to worry.”

Jake silently agreed, not really knowing the right words to say. He knew nothing he said would change anything. The only thing he could do was be a steady hand for his twin to hold onto while he healed, physically and mentally, however long that took. Jake wrapped his arms around him and held Josh’s head as the sheer anguish the older twin felt hit him like a freight train, and he was no longer able to hold back his violent sobs.

~

I’m sitting in my car, pulled off to the side of a dark, empty roadway. My knuckles ache and my nose is definitely broken, so clogged with dried blood that I can’t breathe out of it. I don’t know what compelled me to hit him like that. I’m disgusted with myself. I never wanted to turn into this person, this worthless, poor fucking excuse for a man. I never wanted to turn into them, into the very people I hate. When I was old enough to understand it, I made a promise to myself that I would break the cycle, but clearly, I already failed.

I put all my energy into wishing I had been better for him, that I had taken care of him like he deserves instead of hurting him. I tell myself I would have done things differently if I could do it all over again, but I don’t know if that’s true. I see his face every time I close my eyes, and the way he looked at me. He will never trust me again.

I check the tracker app on my phone. No data found. He must have figured it out and deleted it. With a frustrated scream, I throw my phone against the dashboard so hard it breaks. I ignore the shooting pain in my hands as I slam them on the steering wheel. I tried so hard to love him. Why did he have to throw it in my face like that? I know I fucked up, but he has to know that I only did those things because he drove me to. And setting his brother on me? That was a low blow. Things could have been different, if he’d been strong enough.

No, that’s not right. I know this isn’t his fault, and I’ve never been able to comprehend why I keep trying to convince myself otherwise. I’m suddenly short of breath; it feels like something is squeezing the shit out of my lungs. My vision blurs and my fingertips are going numb. I think, for a moment, that I’m having a heart attack, and maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. I can’t feel guilty if I’m dead. I can’t hurt him if I’m gone. I lean back and close my eyes, begging my heart to simply stop beating. It doesn’t, of course. It’s just a panic attack, and it eventually fades, when my brain physically cannot handle being in emergency mode anymore.

///

I stay in this spot all night, in the dark, freezing Tennessee winter. I’ll pass out at some point, and will sleep it off, the only thought in my mind – I’m not ready to let him go.

TAGLIST

Let me know if you want to be added!

@hollyco @fleetingjake @musicislove3389 @hailthegodsong @josh-iamyour-mama @katuschka @lilbitx

[rockofeye]

What is djock and how would I use a beny djock to cleanse myself?

Hi,

Djòk is a spiritual malady that affects children, very much like what many folks understand the evil eye to be. It's a negative thing done to children, mostly on purpose but can be done accidentally.

Folks familiar with European derived stuff may be familiar with the situation of a stranger bending over a baby and being all 'oh what a cute little baby, look at those chunky cheeks, I could just eat you up' and then grandma or an auntie snatching the baby up and washing their face and hands with their spit to prevent the evil eye from settling on the baby. That's what djòk (and a treatment of it) looks like, with some specific things being done to kind of seal on the kiddo. It's something that happens to babies and young children, not so much older children or teens, and isn't something that would be done to an adult.

Treatment/removal of the djòk is done via a specific bath, the beny djòk. The bath is applied to the kiddo and the parent doing it (or the houngan/manbo if the child is brought for it) removes the magic with the bath. It's something that every Haitian parent has knowledge of and is really a kind of household magic that anyone could do for a child. Sometimes there is a dream that the kid has the djòk and so the leaves are gathered and the bath is made. Maybe a baby suddenly stops wanting to eat well after having met some new people or gone a new place. Perhaps kiddo got sick and the usual treatments haven't helped much or what seems simple is lingering. Maybe after going to play in the park, a normally happy and reasonable kid is now throwing huge tantrums and can't calm down. All possibilities for the kid to have djòk, and all reasons the bath would be made for them.

You wouldn't use a beny djòk to cleanse yourself because (presuming you are an adult) you don't need it. It's a targeted treatment and isn't really a cleansing bath for a grown up; it would be like getting the flu and buying prescription toothpaste to address the symptoms. Like it's a thing you can do and it's probably not going to kill you because it's toothpaste but it's also not going to help your actual situation much.

For spiritual cleansing for an adult, there are options that you could make for yourself and there are various options a houngan or manbo can make for you, like different kinds of beny fey or a beny giyon. There's no need to buy a beny djòk unless you have a child you think has djòk to treat.

Hope this helps!

[thejournallo]

hello, so glad to have found your acc🤍 i have some questions and some problems i want to talk about so i'm hoping you can help me! basically ive known about shifting for over 2 years, tried a few times, got symptoms but never really shifted(either lost interest in where i was going to ot got bored) but recently i have been so much more serious and i also have friends that are into shifting, and one of my friend is so knowledgeable about it, she is so close to shifting(maybe even did) and helps me out with my concerns, taught me sm but i don't wanna ask her all the time. so i know that im not just creating a fantasy world and that i'm going to a reality where the things i want already exist and so do i but i'm wondering if i can stay there till i die? i wanna go to somewhere where living for hundreds of years is possible and i can live for hundreds of years right? also i'm not planning on writing a script but rather being in my mind(i haven't decided yet) but things will go how i want right? like if i want to change smth later on can i or no harm will come to me or the people around me right? or if i script smth that will happen later but i forget about it or decide i don't want it anymore will it still happen or will i be able to change it? i keep getting negative thoughts and it makes me really anxious :( i hope you can help me out with my questions and validate me a little🙏 have a nice day! 🤍🤍 sorry if i talked too much :(

My dear, you don't have to apologize for talking too much! All your questions are legit and actually smart questions to ask!

I want to reassure you by saying that negative talk and toughts are really common when we first start shifting, and you can fight them off. When I had them, I often stopped myself and said, "Those are not my true thoughts; those are the thoughts of dought, and I don't dought myself or the universe." It really helps.

Now about the questions! (here is the link from when i talked about shifting, in case it can help)

I can stay there till I die? / i can live for hundreds of years right?

I already talked about how time works and how we can make it work. To answer directly your question, you can do that, but you have to be aware that you will come back to your-age once you die there, and that could be a shock to you because you already lived a life. Imagine five from the umbrella academy that went back to his younger self. It can be like this, but with more shock because you didn't predict it. So living for hundreds of years could be fun to do. I suggest you script (or make sure to remember) how times will work for you. for example:  2 years in your dr are 2 hours of sleep here, and I will come back every 2 years. It would be less of a shock and more of a routine that settles itself like this.

things will go how i want right? / if i want to change smth later on can i or no harm will come to me or the people around me right? / will i still be able to change something that i don't want it to happen anymore?

You have to think of it as another life and world. The only difference is that we can decide if we want the power to control it or not. For me, I always liked the fact that I can't control what happens, but if I want something to happen, I just write it or say it to my doctor. So yes, if you want, everything can and will go the right way for you! No one will be hurt by your decision, not you or the people around you! Yes, everything you script can be easily changed here and in your DR. I usualy script that I have a diary where I can change my script right away in my DR, so I'm always updated, and I always remember what I script, so if I don't like it anymore, I simply write an x on it so I know that the scene won't happen. easy, fun, and helpful!

if you have other questions i will be more than happy to listen and be here for you through out your journey!

[lifeintheneurolane]

My daily neurodivergent journal/diary

Hi lovely people of Tumblr! I'm J and I am an autistic ADHD'er. I have been diagnosed with AD(h)D since December 2023 and have been diagnosed with autism for about a month. Recently I have been keeping a diary/journal because I noticed I had a lot of recurring negative thoughts and I also wanted to keep track of my emotions for my therapy sessions (bc I always forget what I felt during the week I don't see my therapist). I have personally found that reading others experiences helped me a lot because; 1. I found a lot of recognition. 2. I could compare how symptoms presented in others with ADHD/Autism. 3. I have a new hyperfyxation and want to know everything there is to know about neurodivergence lol. I also like to write in my diary as if im writing a book or to an audience so there's that. So if any of these (or something else ofc) applies to you; welcome to my blog!

But before I start I thought I would share my story for anyone that's interested.

For as long as I could possibly remember (doesn't say a lot) I have felt extremely different from everyone else around me. I would overthink things, even as a little girl. I remember as a little girl people would always tell me "J it doesn't matter, stop overthinking and do it". Funny thing that is, because when I graduated flight attendant school two years ago they gave me a note along with my 100% exam score that said: "Stop thinking, just do". As you can tell, this has followed me my entire life. My head has been full of thoughts and music and movie sentences & so so much more. When I learned that this wasn't normal, things were already falling into place for me a bit. I don't belong here, in this society, surrounded by these people. But hey I was a kid! what do I know?

Having these thoughts I went through my teenage years, trough high school and college (imagine dramatic DUNDUNDUN sounds right here). I always felt like I was in a social hell. Honestly, the learning didn't even bother me (don't get me started on homework tho). It was just the social interactions of walking to class, having lunch, passing people in hallways, working in groups (I think you get it now). I had very bad anxiety but wouldn't let anyone know, especially growing up in a household that hates therapists (bc they blamed them lol). Let me sum up my time in highschool and college real quick; problems concentrating,procastinating,close group of friends, always late, almost expelled bc of my low attendance, low/average grades on normal tests but absolutely excelled on exams, could have a high degree but couldn't be arsed so went for average. How do I have 2 diplomas you ask? no clue except for I was kinda sorta smart except for the fact im not smart but just hyper fixated the night before every exam :)

Soo after all of that I became a flight attendant at 19 yrs old, and absolutely hated every second of it. Oh, don't even get me started on the extreme sensory overload. I did have a lot of bad experiences with colleagues so maybe im a little spooked by that, but overall 1/10 experience. The initial training summed up: almost got kicked out bc I was late 2 times (which was the limit), trouble making friends bc I thought no one liked me, extreme insecurities because of multiple exams, I arrived sweaty and anxious every morning, almost got kicked out because I was tired a lot and almost fell asleep, I couldn't concentrate on the 10/12h lectures, I couldn't concentrate because my heels were killing my feet, the clothing & so much makeup annoyed me. Honestly I could go on but I think this sums up my time because the training only lasted 2 weeks ;)

I flew for 9 months and most of the things above were the same during that time. I arrived sweaty every morning because I had so much stress. Before every flight they ask you safety questions & I had to learn every morning all over again because I kept forgetting everything & all the tiny details. Also the social aspect was so horrifying for me, every flight there was an entire new crew so there was excruciatingly much small talk (which Im not very good at). I think I called in sick 12 times because of sleep trouble, I felt sick, I felt stressed out, I just couldn't handle it. Everyone around me was so proud of me, until the end of my summer contract and I didn't go back. I don't think ive ever felt as much disappointment towards me as when I told my family I didn't like being a FA and basically wasted four years of my life going to flight attendant school (college).

After all that bull# I became a receptionist, I welcomed important business partners at the head office of T-Mobile. I did a lot of administrative tasks and social stuff (I did it to myself atp). And guys you'll never guess what!? I absolutely hated my time there. I did have a great colleague but for some reason I always felt she wasn't being genuine with me. She loved shopping and so did I (a lil too much) and together we would shop online, and this is where my neuro journey starts.

I started shopping so much until I had no money left, but I still needed to shop. I had such an extreme urge to shop anything I would know give me a good feeling. I started buying stuff with apps like Klarna and Afterpay to the point it was impossible for me to pay on the deadlines. I will sum it up bc im not ready to share the entire story yet, but best believe I was in a loooot of trouble and this was also when the worst year of my life would start. I went to a clinic for addiction ad had weekly talks with a therapist. We found out very quickly that something else was going on, something that caused my shopping addiction. So the psychiatrist there got involved, initially they thought of ASD but me and my stupid prejudices wouldn't have it. A week after that conversation with the psychiatrist he tested me for ADHD and dingdingding! There it was, and almost a perfect score might I add. Finally I had a reason for being so.. me. I started doing research and reading books which helped me feel a lot of recognition. Still, something didn't entirely feel right. They couldn't start medications because I was there for addiction initially so I had to wait until I could go to a psychiatrist (waitlists here in Europe are a nightmare).

In January this year I stopped going to the clinic and got prescriptions for my medications from my gp/doctor. I tried 2 types of meds but still, there was this part of me that said "what now?, nothing has changed yet.. is it ever going to?" something still felt missing. In March I had my first appointment with my new and current therapist. I was so extremely nervous because I honestly didn't even know what exactly I needed help with. I just felt lost and wanted to fix my life again. I started telling my entire story to this new therapist and immediately I felt he understood me. I told him about my former therapist and psychiatrist's initial thoughts of ASD and he said we could see if there was any reason for looking into ASD if I felt comfortable with that. I told him I was, even though it freaked me out but I wanted/needed to know. So he gave me two forms to fill out which were general questions to figure out if there was even any reason to think about ASD. I emailed him the forms so he would have an answer by the time we would meet again. Sure enough, when we met a week later he told me there was indeed reason to start a ASD diagnosis interview because I scored in all aspects. So we did do a interview and a week or so after that I was officially diagnosed with Autism. During the entire week after the interview I couldn't get out of the house. I was afraid to tell my parents but I did anyway, and my mom's reaction was "surely you don't have it, I know so many autistic people and you are not like them". Well mom, how wrong you were. This entire month has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. I am now an autistic woman with ADHD, yay?. It makes lots of sense now, but in the beginning I kept picturing this 8 year old autistic boy that was in my class, who kept trying to fight me because I thought I was Travis Barker drumming on my table. The boy who wore big bright red headphones and would sit in a corner, facing the wall and rocking so fast it gave me the creeps. The boy who would fight and scream and no one liked. That wasn't me, it couldn't be, it can't be. After doing my research I found out this indeed was't me, but autism presents different in everyone. Especially after reading Ellie Middleton's (love her so much) unmasked I finally understood myself. I'm not yet at that phase of acceptance because yes I have autism and that's why people think im weird sometimes, im just wired differently. It just still doesn't take away the fact im still weird and an outcast. I don't relate to a lot of other autistic people, I don't relate to most neurotypicals, so what do I do now?

I guess that's why I started this blog. I want to find out and when I finally get to that point of acceptance, or at least contempt, I can look back at how I got where I am at that point.

If anyone has any tips or anything feel free to message me or comment under my posts. This is a judgement free zone but if I said something wrong please feel free to correct me and educate me if needed :) Also if anyone ever wants to talk, im here! I may not be good at social stuff but if you made it to here, you'll know why.

Love & hugs,

J

[cosmichighpriestess]

What gives us real power is our belief in ourselves. If you have low self esteem and you are also always sick, or have a disease you will believe you can never heal yourself. You are so powerful that you can heal your entire body. You are so powerful that you can shapeshift. Everyone has these abilities. But few believe in their own power. All healing is placebo, it's all in your own belief system. Every single day tell yourself and believe that you are a very powerful being because you are. You just have to remember that. Otherwise you are going to feel very limited and powerless to situations you have complete power in.

You have the power and control within to say, "Oh, why am I giving my power away why am I reacting to a completely neutral circumstance when this thing is defined by me and completely neutral even though it appears to be negative? Why am I letting my shadow, my ego, my insecurities, my darkness, my negative beliefs, my hatred, someone else's mood, this illusionary chaos outside of me, define this completely neutral situation?"

Let yourself decide to reset yourself in that moment. "Stop. Reset. Breathe. This chaos is outside of me. Let me step away and go within. Let me feel a positive vibration on purpose and reprogram my beliefs about this completely neutral circumstance or person. I forgot I'm a very powerful human being. I forgot I have access to Source higher intelligence, I forgot I'm a God projecting my consciousness into physical reality. Oh I forgot, I have the power to heal myself, by changing my beliefs. Let me get quiet and listen to my guidance from Source."

You are God. Step into your alter ego that thinks that way. The world exists to serve you. Everything exists for you. You are the entire Universe. Stop thinking of yourself as a small human. The people in your reality exist to serve you. Decide right now that your preferred preference is true, This person loves me, this person is obsessed with me, this person gets me what I need before I even need it. Kid acting up, partner acting up? No, they are not. They are calm and happy in my world. Because I made that decision just now because I am God. The world is at my fingertips. I am so powerful. I can have anything I want. I already am my desires. I am the pure consciousness creating my reality. I have everything I want before I even have to ask for it. I can do anything. I am a powerful creator.

I'll tell you a secret which is not really a secret at all, but it helps when you are feeling like there is a dark cloud over you. You don't need a reason to be happy. You can just be happy because that's how you prefer to feel at all times. You may even look crazy to other people for choosing to be in a positive state, but that does not matter. It only matters how you feel. Say, " I am happy because that is how I prefer to feel and I don't need a reason to feel good. " Let me tell you a personal story on how I got my power back

After I had my daughter, during the beginning of the Covid outbreak, I went into a dark postpartum depression, I was already isolated for two years before this time I was on my spiritual journey and learning how to manifest, learning about the Universe and all that was possible that we could do as humans. I was already connected to Source, giving out messages but going through heavy spiritual warfare and ascension symptoms and abuse at home.

One day on my computer I came across a girl who could erase clouds in the sky through a video she recorded, I just stumbled upon a video with no explanation of it and I was mind blown that she was erasing clouds in the sky by herself. I heard a voice in my head say, " you can do it too if you believe in yourself." And even though I was severely depressed at that time and in an abusive relationship where I knew he was cheating and controlling, I was doing everything in my power to stay positive and building up my belief in myself and my abilities.

I went completely inwards, kept everything to myself and ignored him putting me down and never shared my thoughts with him. He always mocked my beliefs immediately after sharing anything with him. After I saw this video online I tried it outside the next day. I found a cloud in the sky I wanted to erase and I focused on erasing it with my hands, my belief and my mind.

Nothing happened. I was a little disappointed but I told myself the next day I would try again. I thought this was the only thing I had left in me to build myself up, because I was around so much negativity, so many people doubting me outside of me, wishing bad intentions on me, not feeling supported by my family who I was still in contact with at that time ect. I thought this was my last hope of gaining more confidence in myself and my abilities. I knew I was magical. I knew I believed in magick. Since I wasn't even allowed to speak without being mocked or belittled by allistics. I went outside again on my porch, it was a clear beautiful blue sky with plenty of clouds, and I found a cloud to focus on and I said to myself, " Rose, you are so powerful you can and you will erase this cloud right now. You have to do this to believe in yourself. You can do this. Just pretend you have an eraser in your hand." And I focused on it for two minutes and before I knew it the cloud was gone. I erased the cloud. I started screaming "holy fuck"" no way." and there were some people outside that probably thought I was silly jumping up and down but I knew I could do it.

That was the first day that I realized how powerful we are as human beings, how much we've been lied to about our physical reality and I began erasing clouds everyday outside just to get that feeling back because it was all I had at that time to gain belief in myself. I felt trapped in every aspect of my life, but at least I had the power of my mind and I still could control my environment somewhat. I started manipulating the weather after that, and healing my body. I got my dream body back after I had my daughter, and I believed I could change my physical appearance with my beliefs and I believed I already had my dream body and I wasn't self conscious anymore after having a baby. So many people doubted me, belittled me, projected their insecurities onto me. No one believed in me. But I believed in myself and that was all that mattered to me. Please start believing in yourself and tell yourself you are a powerful creator everyday, and watch what happens.

[girlhorse]

sorry to bother you, but you made a post talking about signs of GI issues in dogs and was wondering if you could tell me what helped you recognize that enzo has GI problems? it’s something i’m worried about my own dog struggling with, but i have 0 clue what to look for. don’t feel obligated to answer this!

well, first was at 6 months, i noticed Enzo started coughing after he drank, about every other time he drank. It was at first not something i thought much about before it became more consistent. My first vet suggested it could be collapsing trachea (literally only bc hes a toy breed) and said not to worry about it. I saw another vet at that practice, and since i was worried about it i asked her opinion. She said it was possible that it was GERD, and that we could try an antacid eventually to see if it would help.

Other symptoms that I figured were just puppy stuff (and may hve just been puppy stuff!): very rare vomitting of bile in the AM, being a picky eater particularly in the morning, and the very rare soft poop. A lot of these can be explained by pupoy stuff, puppies are notorious for "garbage gut" (eating nonfood items that makes them sick), and sometimes just have sensitive tummies. bilous vomitting in the morning isnt particularly unheard of in healthy dogs or in puppies, sometimes having an empty stomach can make dogs feel nauseous and throw up, but this is more common in dogs with gerd/acid reflux.

one other less common symptom is halitosis aka bad breath. especially if it smells foul, like puke. Puke smell would mean reflux. Other bad smells can be dental issues related to reflux or some dysbiosis in the gut.

GERD tends to get worse overnight, mostly because of how gravity is acting on the stomach. It's easier for stomach acid to travel up the esophagus when the dog is laying down.

Things got worse when he contracted giardia in March. After treatment, his symptoms were better but did not completely resolve. He still had softer stools and I was pretty much washing his butt every day. He also continued to show reflux signs - at this point coughing every single time he drank, and starting to show intermittent (but short) gulping episodes.

video of a gulping episode from today, which is basically just what dogs sometimes do when they feel stomach acid traveling up their esophagus:

These were new, but i was aware of what they were bc of my anxiety induced research spirals from before I knew what his cough was

He also was having bile vomit episodes a little more frequently, though not in a super concerning amount at first.

My vet prescribed a diff diet for Enzo after 2 weeks of no improvement post treatment, even though the fecal tests were negative. This diet worked amazing at first and had his stool firm immediately, I was impressed!

But shortly after, like a week later, he made himself sick by eating cat poop (my current theory) and he was having trouble holding food down for a couple of days. We dosed cerenia and he was fine for a couple days but continued ti have issues with bile vomitting that week. And about a week after he was feeling better, he had an episode of passing bloody stool.

Basically at that point we started screening him for IBD, since a lot of other issues were ruled out. So far nothing has come back conclusive. but before this week, he was doing great with the diet trial of hydrolized food and an added probiotic.

His symptom flared, i ASSUME, because I fed him a bit of chicken. His flare started with increase in coughing (which had gone away!) and progressed to soft stool and eventual reflux episodes especially directly following meals.

i hope this helped. every single dog presents GI issues differently. If you tell me what specifically is concerning you i might be able to help better but i am not a vet, just someone who researches a ton when shes anxious lol

anyway. gi issues suck!

[schizosupport]

Hey there! So I am super duper interested in psychology and want to get my Bachelor's and eventually go to grad school for it - do you have any tips on doing grad school as someone who deals with a chronic psychotic disorder? I'm mostly asymptomatic these days in terms of positive symptoms, but negatives still kick my ass here and there and ofc there's symptom flareups and such. How do you manage the workload of grad school, especially when the going gets tough? Thanks so much, I love your blog!

Hihi!! Oh, how exciting! There's a severe lack of crazy psychologists out there, and I'm always happy to see potential new members to the gang.

Ok so.. hmm, in my personal experience the different "stages" of my university education weren't all that different in terms of workload. I'm actually going to talk about the bachelor I think, because to me the difficult hurdle was more in going from a high school climate of more guided learning/teaching, to a university setting of loosely guided study.

Further, at least for me, I find it more helpful to think of things one day at a time kinda. As in.. when you get to grad school you will deal with it then, it's in at least three years, and much will change in that time, so initially you should focus on the step ahead of you.

I also don't believe in useless knowledge, so any amount of study is always useful in some way, no matter where it ends up.

Personally I struggled at the beginning of the bachelor because at my university, psychology is heavily based on self study.

So we might only have 5 hours of lectures a week, but I would have to study/read a lot of heavy articles, books etc, on my own. Like it was a full time study on paper, and what this meant varied from person to person, some needed at least 60h a week to read and understand, I needed less, but it was still a lot for me.

The biggest difficulty for me was that this meant I had to coordinate my own time, I answered to no one, and everything was my own responsibility. If I didn't manage and failed an exam, no one was going to care, if i dropped out I would be one of many.

Time management was a great difficulty for me. All the things that were not technically the study itself were killing me. Like even just.. let's say the professor says we should read these five articles for this or that. Then I would have to go to online databases, and find the articles through the search engine, figure out where i have a login to get the full pdf, download them into the right folders etc, before I could even sit down to read them.

I'm not gonna lie... I was mentally deteriorating under the pressure, to the point where it led to my first psychosis related contact with the psychiatric system around 2015. (Not my first psychosis, but the first time a doctor got involved)

Now.. I don't think psychology is necessarily universally taught in this manner. My education was very much a research oriented education, and more like a facilitation/guidance of self-study and research in many aspects. It worked for me on the level that I couldn't have shown up to uni consistently every day, and this way I could have bad periods, and still have a chance to catch up on the reading later, and so on.

Still, at around my 4th (3rd?) semester of the bachelor, my house of cards was falling and it was falling fast. I was way in over my head, I was unwell, and chronically underperforming.

This was the point I applied for accommodations. Accommodations differ from uni to uni, country to country. But the most helpful thing I got offered was a mentor.

This was a student who was ahead in the education, someone with a knack for organization and cheerleading. My mentor was instrumental to getting me through my bachelor, by removing and automating as much of the "surrounding bullshit" as humanly possible, helping me make realistic plans and follow through, etc.

Despite us never discussing anything related to the field itself, the addition of a mentor took me from a mediocre hit n miss at best student, to someone who consistently came out on top, even with my mental health still being pretty much in the gutter at that time.

So while I don't know what your uni of choice offers in terms of accommodations, I definitely recommend you look into it. And if you haven't decided on a university yet, doing some research into their style of teaching, and thinking of what might fit you, is also a good idea.

As for the masters.... I mean, it was meant to take me 2 years and I used more like 4, 5 if you count the year long break I took.... That wasn't the plan, it's not an ideal scenario, I don't think if someone would have told me it would be so psychologically hard before I started, that I would have even begun. But it's also so individual. And also so random. Covid had a very real and detrimental impact to my thesis writing, but I also didn't want to finish, and I was unwell, and much more.

Even right before the finish line I was close to dropping out several times.

Was it all worth it?

I don't know yet. I'm still unwell. I don't have a job, though I am in the process of having to try an internship type thing soon. I desperately want to do a phd, but given my recent education history I can't justify applying.

On the other hand. It did expand my mind in specific ways, and I wouldn't want to be without it. Not in a way where I'm better than others in any way that matters, but being forced to read so much research critically, and to be introduced to so many aspects of a field, and to the methods associated and such, has expanded my universe and my way of interacting with information, 'fact', knowledge, myth and man.

I think plenty of my colleagues didn't turn out all that much wiser for it, but I think if you come at it with a genuine curiosity and humbleness, you will enjoy yourself and what the study adds to your life.

Anyone who comes at psychology looking for a library of definitively proven facts and simple statements that are always true, will not only have a shit time of it during the education, they will not make very good psychologists or scientists for that matter.

But if you are attracted to the thought of taking a swim in the infinitely complex soup of nebulous and illdefined facts and their relations and contradictions, then by all means. Have a swim with me. The water is deep, and you'll never reach the bottom, but that doesn't mean you won't learn something about the lake.

[thechronicpaingame]

Dealing with an OAB following a UTI (Mictoryl no longer works, urology referral pending) – I used to study microbiology and would love to know more about how you found out that you have embedded/chronic UTI. Also how treatment is going ☺️

I'm so so sorry this is so late! I don't check here neatly as often as I should.

I did biomed! I'll explain as best I can but honestly my brain isn't what it used to be these days.

I think the simple science of it is that the bladder isn't sterile, despite what's been said before. Some of the bacteria in there can be helpful, neutral, and some, in the case of embedded UTI, causative of symptoms. I know micro says it has to be above I think it's like 10/100K to be a UTI (culture wise, I can't remember the actual units) but it's been shown that bacteria below the standardised threshold can also be problematic to some / causative of symptoms!). Which is a problem when people are having "negative" dipsticks & cultures - because the UTI diagnosing methods are so so so outdated.

The clinic I go to here, in England, they do a fresh urine sample and count the cells immediately. They track this with each visit, but alongside this they have a very structured symptom report as well. So diagnosis and treatment is based on the entire picture.

The belief is that a standard 3-5 day course of antibiotics when you initially have your first UTI / symptoms, actually is absolutely not long enough to effectively treat it. So you can feel better, and then it happens again a month or however long down the line, and think you're getting repeated infections & repeated utis, when actually it's highly likely it is the same initial infection repeatedly rearing up!

I know the doctor who works on embedded infections in the US uses a microgen test to see which bacteria to treat, but the uk clinic (as I mentioned earlier, believe it's not really helpful as you can't truly pinpoint the bacteria which are causing symptoms). So the UK clinic will try broad spectrum to begin with, and as you go on with them they tweak and work out which antibiotic is most effective for you.

Treatment is obviously incredibly harsh, high dose long term antibiotics, but it's much safer resistance wise than lots and lots of short courses. We're also obviously recommended to look after our gut and flora whilst in treatment (thrush being my main side effect personally). I did have a skin reaction to one of the antibiotics we tried. But it really is trial and error.

I will have been with the clinic coming up 2 years next month. Personally I haven't seen a change, but I'm just about to try a new combination of antibiotics and a lot of people I speak to tend to say it was around 2 years they start to see real change / improvement. I guess if you think I got my first UTI at 22 and I'm now 34 - not so quick or simple to treat (I am actually now considered a "hard to treat" patient but I also have several other health issues which make things confusing) but I know there's plenty of patients who do amazingly like straight off the bat.

I was incredibly "lucky" in that my urologist when I was younger knew about this clinic and research and she initially referred me. Me being young and naive didn't stick with the programme and left the NHS clinic (I kick myself every day for that, but I was young and wanted to believe I'd be fine). So now I go to their private clinic as was impossible to get back to the NHS one. But I consider it an investment into myself.

I'm sorry this is so long! I just want to try and make sure I cover as much as I can remember to because I really want people to know this who get diagnosed with IC and OAB that it could possibly be an embedded UTI and that there COULD be treatment to rid it. I know how awful it is to live with, and honestly I've been in some dark places because of my overall health and impact it has on my life. If I'd been told I had IC and treatment didn't work and to just live with it, I'm not sure I would've done. So I really want people to know there could be another option.

If there's anything else please do ask!!! I can likely get more scientific info from my letters (I'm just writing this now from my bed before I sleep!)

Good luck with everything! I hope you find some comfort no matter what happens and which way you go with everything ♥️

[nonegenderleftpain]

Hey Drew I had a question about your hysterectomy? I got a consult and my surgeon said he will do it after a few things, I need to get an ultrasound and everything, and he says there's very little data out there about trans people on T and on and off birth control with preexisting organ problems, and he says my biggest choice will be whether I want my ovaries gone or not, he says he doesn't know whether or not missing a single dose of T could send me into menopause or not so I was wondering whether you have any resources on data, or what your experiences are or what? Sorry if this is really invasive, it's perfectly fine if you don't want to answer

Hi! Sorry this took so long, I've been dealing with some family emergencies and forgot it was here.

It's definitely invasive but I have a blanket permission to ask invasive questions about disability, trans issues, and sexuality, so it's really no problem!

He's right that there's not a lot of data. We don't have a lot of studies on trans bodies left after the Shoah, but I am happy to relay what I do know from my own experience and research (though I unfortunately do not have sources at the moment - I can try to retrieve some if this isn't helpful enough).

The biggest issue when it comes to getting a hysterectomy while on t is concerns about your access to t, and your informed consent to the possible side effects. My suggestion is that unless there is something wrong with your ovaries - spreading endometriosis, for example - you should not remove them. If for some reason you were to stop t, either by choice or by necessity, your body would continue to produce hormones necessary for bodily function. Once someone's ovaries are removed, their body can no longer produce reproductive hormones, and even cis women who have had oophorectomies then have to go on HRT to replace those lost hormones. A lack of reproductive hormones in the body can cause bone degradation, as well as a dozen other things (which is what menopause is, just a name for the collection of symptoms caused by a lack of reproductive hormones, specifically oestrogen). Without your ovaries, you will need HRT of some kind (either t or supplemental estrogen) for the rest of your life.

Now this isn't a bad thing - if you know you will have access to that medication, or know you live somewhere where you aren't at risk of losing access to t, you aren't taking a huge risk. Cis people end up on HRT *all the time.* But it is something you have to be aware of. If your ovaries are functioning, I would not suggest removing them, so in an emergency they will take over for your t. This will suck, but to me, it's better than the alternative of being without either necessary hormone.

As for a missing dose of t causing menopause in the case of missing ovaries, I am not sure that I am the right person to ask. I use t gel, and because I am on low dose t, I only take it every couple of days. The way my t is metabolized is different than the shot, so I'm not sure. Something you could look into is how quickly menopause onsets after the ovaries cease to function, and how long it takes before a t shot leaves the system. I know it fluctuates as you get close to needing your next shot, but I'm not sure when it begins to affect your ovaries.

Altogether, my personal advice is to keep your ovaries unless they are dysfunctional. They don't do anything on their own except produce hormones, and t kind of sends them dormant so unless there is an emergency, they won't affect you in any negative way. There's no clinically significant increased risk of ovarian cancer post-hysterectomy, so it should be cool.

I hope this was helpful in a timely fashion, and if you have other questions, do feel free to ask them! I am ALWAYS happy to answer medical questions and trans related questions. Good luck with your surgery!!! Congrats!

[beatrice-otter]

#so i’m like 75% sure i have some sort of attention span disorder but i was tested for ADHD and it came out negative#idk WHAT it is but I KNOW i have it because it effects how i function#i still need to look into it--tags via poptart-cat-78

Attention and focus are part of executive function. Executive function is the canary in the coal mine of mental health. Pretty much every neurological or psychological condition comes with some form of executive dysfunction. So yeah, having problems with attention, focus, and concentration could be a lot of things besides ADD. And our current technology and society tend to train our attention span to shorten and keep shortening, so that doesn't help.

However, the other thing is, the tests for ADD/ADHD and autism are NOTORIOUSLY skewed to the typical presentation of the condition in white boys. They are not very accurate for girls, children of color, or adults. And if the person evaluating you has a stereotypical view of what ADD/ADHD looks like, that can also skew the results. (If they decide you can't possibly have ADD because you don't "look like it" it doesn't matter what you're actual symptoms are.) There are a lot of autistics and people with ADD who tried to get a diagnosis as adults and got told they didn't have it because of bullshit reasons. Like, "you can't be autistic because you have friends!" "you can't have ADD because you're capable of functioning in society (and the enormous effort you have to put into coping skills is irrelevant)!"

No lie, when I was getting my diagnosis for autism, the evaluator almost didn't give it because I wasn't dressed funny. I was wearing clothes that fit okay and were socially appropriate ... and she had a stereotype that all autistics were slobs who didn't understand how to dress themselves.

So it could be that you have problems with attention span and focus because our society and technology reward short attention spans and punish long ones. It could be that you have some other mental health condition that also affects attention span and focus. It could be that the problems with the diagnostic criteria combined with the evaluator's biases to give you a false negative. It could be some combination of these.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

a while ago i attended this lecture on autism. guy in the audience said he had many of the symptoms that were presented and asked what should he do to get treatment and possibly a diagnosis. instead of answering his question the psychologist went on a tangent about how “the clinic reigns all powerful over guesswork”, and how actually it has become a trend amongst little children on the internet to claim that they are autistic for cool points, and that this hurts real autistic people. no she didn’t tell him how to get his symptoms looked into, she just made it very clear that to her, aknowledging your own symptoms is bad and evil and hurts the poor real mentally ill people.

an ex-friend of mine, then a psychology major and by now probably a full psychologist, once lectured me on how horrible and bad it was that i told her “i probably have some sort of neurodivergency”, and that if i were her patient she would never give me a diagnosis because “you aren’t like this now, but i know that if you get a diagnosis you’ll use it as an excuse to start treating people badly. that’s just how mentally ill people are.”

same ex-friend was extremely disgusted when she found out that fans sometimes make neurodivergency headcanons for characters that have the same symptoms as they do, and that authors sometimes write books with neurodivergent protagonists in stories that don’t focus on that (ex: she seemed horrified that percy jackson has adhd?)

multiple psychologists i’ve seen on facebook agree that they should refuse to treat patients that say “i’m here because i have symptoms of a disorder and wonder if i have it”, and that a patient should arrive to a psychologist as a blank slate.

school psychologist asked me how i was feeling about my trauma situation and i told him i thought my friends would leave me. instead of addressing the issue he said that that no i didn’t, that i was lying, that i had searched “bpd symptoms” online and now i was faking symptoms because i wanted to have bpd, that he shouldn’t have told me he suspected i had a personality disorder because now look what was happening. no, i didn’t search bpd symptoms online. yes, my friends left me, it was a completely founded belief and not a symptom, let alone a faked symptom.

so the next time you hear someone saying they’re “anti self-diagnosis” i want you to understand what they’re saying. what they’re saying is:

- i don’t want people to be aware of their own symptoms

- i don’t think my patients should have access to any information that doesn’t come from me

- i don’t think neurodivergent people should learn how to cope with their symptoms and live “normal” lives

- i think neurodivergent people should be denied a diagnosis because the moment they get one they will become evil and dangerous

- i don’t think people who don’t look like a stereotype could possibly be neurodivergent, even if they have all the symptoms, so i think they are faking it for attention and should be denied treatment

[out-of-heaven-and-hell]

"How is everything?" Vaggie asked. There was always a sense of nervousness that came with these doctors visits. It wasn't that she didn't trust Belphegor, but it was just something about the hospital in general. But honestly, she was just glad Charlie's status allowed her the best medical care she could get down here.

"Everything is progressing smoothly. You needn't worry. You haven't experienced any unusual symptoms?" the sin asked, writing something down on the clipboard.

"Mainly a lot of heartburn...and being kept up at night." she joked, a hand on her baby bump, gently smoothing over it. Her children seemed to be as restless as she was sometimes, constantly moving around at an impossible hours of the night.

"Babies like to do that." the doctor chuckled, flipping a page before her expression took a more serious term. "There is something I'd like to discuss regarding your due date?"

"What? Can I get this over with even faster?"

"Yes, actually."

Vaggie blinked, not expecting that response. Belphegor began to quickly elaborate rate.

"You are carrying a hybrid, there is a very high chance that you'll go into labor very soon. You're at 20...almost 21 weeks, now and in my experience your water will likely break anywhere between 28-32 weeks." the woman's voice was calm, patient as Vaggie did some quick mental math.

She has....two...maybe three months until she gives birth? That doesn't feel real, she thought she'd at least have four more months at minimum. But even ignoring that, there's another concern. "And they'll be okay if they're born that early?"

"Of course, they might need to remain in the NICU for a bit, but we've had plenty of experience with early deliveries. Charlie herself was born at 29 weeks with no complications when Lilith had her. You have nothing to worry about, however," a deep breath as Belphegor suspected a possible negative reaction, "I will have to recommend you officially stay on bed rest once you reach 26 weeks and even before then limit your physical activity. Extra stress and physical strain can make possible early labor even earlier, and we don't want that. "

Vaggie frowned, she didn't like the sound of bedrest, thought she kinda knew she'd have to eventually stop working at the hotel altogether once she got later down the line. The concern was more focused on her children though, even Belphegor assured that it would all be fine in the end.

"Is there...anything else I should know?" she asked carefully.

"Just make sure you prepare, and we'll have to schedule our appointments every two weeks now. If you think you're having any contractions before 28 weeks, come in immediately. And again, don't worry, we have everything ready to handle this. Okay?"

Vaggie nodded, not that it'd stop her from worrying. But she nodded nonetheless. Wondering how she was going to relay this to her partner was another thing though...

[psistillteach]

Let's Get Personal

Okay, so this whole blog is just for me, but I need to rant and potentially let someone else hear it.

I really feel like my current living situation is causing me depression and anxiety. I know it's causing anxiety, but I haven't really focused on the depression.

I live with my grandparents. I am very grateful for them to let me live here rent free while I save up money to one day buy a house. I am grateful to spend this quality time with them. HOWEVER, living here feels like it is destroying my mental health. Specifically with my grandfather. I have always looked up to him. He is my person. I know that as you age, you lose some of the things you did when you were younger, but over the past little bit of living here, I have had to see it every day and it has been so HARD. He has a lot of scarring on his lungs and some heart issues. Over time, he's gotten weaker and his endurance for tasks around the house has gone down. He also doesn't take care of himself as well as he should. It breaks my heart to see him down. Here lately, he's also been a little sick too with cold like symptoms. It worries me tremendously when he gets sick. Last year, he got sick and was hospitalized for a week with pneumonia. Then, he was put in a rehab to help him regain strength, but they didn't give his medicine to him as they should and he got sepsis and went back into the hospital. This whole event traumatized me... Possibly because I was also watching my Nanny on the other side of my family slowly go downhill before passing away a few months later.

While I love the quality time with my family and enjoy helping them out as much as I can, I feel like this is affecting me fairly negatively. The stress and anxiety towards his health and also being a support to Granny who is trying to take care of him is a lot on me. I want to be here for them, but also need to be my own person. I am 26 and should be living as an adult... on my own. This market right now does not make it easy to move out. I just looked at renting and everything is either working off of a ridiculous waitlist, super expensive, or both. I feel trapped.

I feel like I could afford something if I didn't tithe in church. I have been battling that demon for a bit now too. I know that tithing is a sacrifice and that's why I do it, to give back to God but also help the ministry of my church. I know that it is not a Christian requirement, but in a sense it is. I'm still learning and praying for discernment on what to do with this, so I am hoping for answers soon.

I am also hoping that my next therapy appointment will help me out too. There has been a lot of stress on me here recently and I am really hoping that jumping back into therapy after not doing for 2 months will be beneficial.