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angelsanarchy · 1 year ago

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One Long Weekend: - Clyde/YN One-Shot Series CH 12

"Come on, you're gorgeous." "I got puke on your shirt." "Nobody's perfect."

Tagging: @roryculkinluvr @siriuslymooned @cc-luvr @crypticsewerslut @icarus-star @desert-springtime @shady-the-simp @izuoyarmin

TW: Making out, grinding, mutual orgasms

SUNDAY, 2:00AM

Clyde didn't know how long Snow spent in the bathroom with Y/n but at one point he could hear her sobbing. He felt fucking awful. This is not how he had planned for this to go. He paced around the apartment bringing whatever Snow had asked him for through the crack of the door. Eventually he changed himself and let the others know not to stop by for the rest of the night as Y/n had Exorcist vomited all over his apartment. She hadn't but if there was one thing he knew would keep them away, it was vomit.

Eventually when Snow emerged from the bathroom she had Clyde help her get Y/n into his bed and covered up. Snow noticed the waste bin sitting on one side of the bed with a trash bag in it, a clean towel rested on the nightstand. Clyde had already set himself up on the couch so she could have her space. He didn't want to upset her more than she already was.

"Just make sure she stays on her side. I can't imagine she's got anything left to puke but just in case maybe you should stay close by." Snow gestured to the spot next to her on the bed.

"I don't know that that's a good idea right now. She was really upset. I don't want to make it worse." Clyde rubbed the back of his neck while Y/n buried her face in the pillows.

"Clyde, she's embarrassed. She really likes you and for some reason she thinks you find her repulsive. I don't know if that's the alcohol talking or if she's got some insecurities but please talk to her. If you really like her as much as I can tell you do, don't let her sink into this negativity." Snow pulled Clyde aside, making sure to keep her voice low so y/n wouldn't be disturbed. Snow finally left them alone and Clyde made sure to lock the door and keep the lights low in case the brightness bothered Y/n.

"I'll...I'll be over here if you need anything okay? Right over here." Clyde kept his tone a little above a whisper before sitting on the couch. She didn't budge. He almost worried she wasn't breathing but watched her so carefully that he finally caught a steady rhythm of her back rising and falling. He kept his eyes on her for a majority of the night but didn't realize she was shaking until almost 2 AM. He took the flashlight over towards the bed and put his hand gently on her blanket covered ankle.

"Hey...are you okay? Are you cold?" Clyde heard her sniffle and knew she was crying.

"Oh no, please don't cry Y/n. Please. I'm so sorry I upset you." Clyde slid to the floor next to the bed, back resting against the nightstand. He rubbed her back trying to comfort her but eventually she flipped over to look at him.

"I feel so stupid for even crying." Y/n confessed.

"Don't. I realize now that if I was in your position I would have been super confused and frustrated too. I'm sorry for making you feel stupid." Clyde rubbed his thumb across the top of her hand as it clutched the pillow.

"I just thought since you didn't put any moves on me the other night and still nothing after the shower, maybe you were repulsed by me or-" Clyde clicked his tongue to his teeth.

"Are you kidding? No way." Clyde stopped that train of thought instantly.

"Come on, you're gorgeous." He leaned forward with a whisper and she gave a weak smile.

"I got puke on your shirt." Y/n pulled at the front of the oversized shirt Snow had stolen from Clyde so she would be comfortable.

"Nobody's perfect." Clyde teased with a smirk.

"I'm sorry I've been pressuring you to make a move." Y/n apologized and Clyde shook his head.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like your advances were unwelcome."

"The truth is I'm not really well versed in public displays of affection and expressing my feelings physically." Clyde explained as Y/n took his hand into hers to rest her chin on their laced fingers.

"So you do want to kiss me.." Y/n smiled making Clyde laugh.

"Of course I want to kiss you. I'm not blind. Anyone who says otherwise clearly has horrible taste in women." Clyde was absolutely attracted to Y/n. He was worried that the others would try and steal her attention away from him and forgot that he actually has to follow through on his own attraction in the process.

"That's good to hear because I really want you to kiss me too." Y/n's smile made Clyde's insides catch fire. He wanted to kiss her. Hell he wanted to do much more than kiss her. He just had a rule that he didn't like breaking.

"So...I have this rule...I don't like to kiss people who are drunk especially if I'm trying to keep them around for longer than a one night stand, which I am if you hadn't picked up on that." Clyde's explanation made a lot of sense. She liked that he wasn't one of those creeps that took advantage of drunk girls just to get his rocks off.

"Well I wouldn't say I'm drunk at this point. Exhausted from puking my body weight but I suppose I can wait another day." Y/n let out a heavy sigh making Clyde roll his eyes.

"I'm willing to break my rule but you have to make me a promise." Y/n's eyebrows went up.

"You have to promise that you won't forget about it in the morning." Clyde took his hand back from Y/n and held his pinky up to her. She wrapped her pinky around his and smiled.

"I promise." She pulled their locked pinky's towards her chest and Clyde leaned in to kiss her, stopping short.

"Wait you brushed your teeth right?" Clyde checked earning an eye roll.

"Oh my god yes! Kiss me already." Clyde let her pull him towards her, kissing her for the second time. Her moving her lips against his made this a much better kiss than before she threw up. Clyde was at an awkward position and tried to move to sit on the bed next to her but she pulled on the front of his shirt instead. Clyde climbed on top of Y/n, letting his arms hold him up above her while she gripped the hair at the base of his skull. Clyde ran his tongue against hers, tasting the toothpaste and flat soda he had given Snow for her to settle her stomach.

"You're a really good kisser." Y/n pulled away from his lips, breathless and still keeping her hand tangled into his hair.

"You aren't so bad yourself." Clyde tried to shake his hair out of his face but she chuckled, helping him by tucking it behind his ears.

"Do you have any idea how pretty you are?" Y/n ran her thumb across Clyde's cheeks as they grew warm.

"I don't know that anyone has called me pretty before." Clyde laughed shifting to the side of Y/n so he could lay next to her. He rested his now free hand on her bare thigh.

"You have pretty blue eyes and a sweet smile." Y/n leaned towards him to peck his lips once again.

"Thanks, I'm not sure what to say. I don't get compliments often." Clyde wasn't a very bashful guy but he also didn't have anyone look at him the way Y/n did.

"You should. You should absolute get more compliments." Y/n shifted her body, throwing her leg over Clyde's hips and planting herself in his lap.

"Whoa! Okay so you're definitely feeling better." Clyde put his hand on her hips and she laughed.

"Is this okay? I'm not trying to make you uncomf-" Clyde cut her off by sitting up and grabbing her neck, pulling her lips back to his own. He wasn't uncomfortable. He was incredibly turned on and didn't want his hesitation to keep getting in the way of how he felt about her.

They continued to make out, her hands getting stuck in Clyde's hair, Clyde's hands falling from her hips to palm her ass. The more she rocked against him, the harder he became. He knew she felt it. The first moan she pulled from him made her pause and pull her lips from his.

"Are you okay?" She whispered to look at his face again. He nodded his head trying to keep his cool.

"Y-yeah I'm just..." Y/n swiveled her hips a little harder than before and Clyde's eyes squeezed shut.

"Fuck..." He wished he had left his jeans on. All she had on was underwear and was grinding down on his sensitive cock which was covered by a thin layer of pajama pants. Clyde couldn't help but thrust upward trying to get as much friction as he possibly could. Y/n moaned into his neck, wrapping her arms around him tightly.

"Y/n...this...this is going to end...pretty abruptly if you...don't stop." Clyde panted.

"Do you want me to stop?" Y/n asked pulling back to look at him.

"Fuck no! Please don't stop." Clyde chuckled trying not to bruise Y/n's hips with his grip. Y/n reached down and grabbed both of Clyde's hands to pull them to her chest. Clyde opened his eyes to look at her and she bit her lip, making sure to hold his eye contact as she slid his hands under the baggy shirt, silently giving him permission to grab her breasts. He complied squeezing them and running her nipples between his thumb and forefinger.

"Oh fuck, Clyde." Y/n threw her head back and Clyde could feel dampness. He thought it might have been precum but the moment he realized how wet Y/n was, he couldn't hold on anymore.

He groaned loudly, squeezing her tits so hard, Y/n moaned. Clyde pistoned his hips upwards rapidly, groaning loudly and trying not to hurt Y/n with his grip. He had painted the inside of his pajama pants with thick cum, soaking through the material and creating a huge wet spot underneath where Y/n sat. She slowed her hips and Clyde loosened his grip slowly, resting his head against her chest. Y/n put her hands on either side of his face, lifting his face to look at him. His cheeks were flushed, his bottom lip blood red from him biting it and drool on the corner of his mouth. His eyes were glazed over as he tried to catch his breath. Y/n pushed some of his sweaty hair off his forehead until he let out a chuckle.

"Does this count as makeup sex?" Clyde joked making Y/n return his laughter. Y/n kissed his forehead and hugged Clyde to her chest.

"I think we can chalk it up to a mutual forgiveness orgasms." Y/n said making Clyde pull away.

"Wait...did you...?" Clyde felt the front the front of Y/n's panties and she jumped.

"Hey! Relax with the poking. I'm still sensitive." Y/n had cum just from grinding on top of Clyde and he had never been more surprised.

"Holy shit. I didn't think that was even possible. I was fully prepared to eat you out for making me blow my load in these pants." Clyde teased.

"Don't laugh but it's been a while since I've really gotten off with anyone else. I think I just got too excited and got lost in you." Y/n tucked his hair behind his ear again making him smile proudly.

"Yeah I don't think I'm ever going to let you leave now." Clyde wrapped his arms around Y/n and pulled her back onto his chest. She laughed as he bear hugged her.

"At least go change your pants." Y/n teased making him roll out of bed with a heavy sigh to run into the bathroom. He emerged not even two minutes later with only boxers on, jumping back into the bed and spooning up behind Y/n.

Y/n relaxed into Clyde's chest, bringing his arms up to wrap around her tightly as their legs intertwined with one another. Clyde didn't think this was how his night was going to end but he had zero regrets.

#Electrick Children #Clyde #Clyde x Y/n #One Shot Series #Rory Culkin #Culkin Cult #One Long Weekend Series #if you want to be tagged on these #please let me know in the latest updates #12/18

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valkeakuulas · 2 years ago

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Crosstech: "There's no going back if we do this."

Have some cuties being cute.

95. “There’s no going back if we do this.”

The crooked grin 990 - no, Crosshair gave to Tech was as daring as one could give while missing two of their front teeth. “C’mon, you know you want to,” he cajoled, pale eyebrows waggling the tiniest bit.

Tech pursed his lips, arms tightening around the datapad he was holding against his chest. “This plan has less than 27,9% chance of succeeding,” he said, needing to point out the odds that were against them.

Crosshair’s grin only grew wider, his eyes sparking brightly even in the dimness of the barracks. “If you’re with me, I’ll take those odds,” he replied without a hesitation, offering his hand to Tech.

Tech blinked, surprised and warmth pooling down into his belly at the trust the other cadet was placing on him, not even questioning how Tech had even managed to calculate such a thing.

“There’s no going back if we do this,” he tried but he was already loosening one hand from around the datapad, reaching for Crosshair.

“Only if hey’ll catch us,” Crosshair coaxed and the second Tech’s hand was in his own, he squeezed it reassuringly.

Tech nodded, already adding modifications to the plan Crosshair had presented him with. “Only if they catch us.”

“Which they won’t.”

“... They won’t.”

** ** **

Later, years later, Tech would walk by a group of young cadets, huddled together, only to slow down when he heard what one of them was saying.

“ - not a single cup or sticky spoon was found! Ten whole pallets of chocolate pudding had disappeared straight from the kitchens! Without a single trace! The security feed had been scrubbed and none of the kitchen droids knew anything! The Kaminiise even woke a whole squad of Alpha clones to search for the culprits - ”

“No way! No Alpha ARC would spent their time in finding some stupid pudding thieves!” cried one of the cadets, voice full of disbelief.

“You calling me a liar?!” the cadet who had been speaking raised their voice, clearly upset at being questioned. “Because I heard this from 8746, who heard it from CT-5555 and they heard it from one of the CCs themselves!”

The sounds of squabbling made Tech unable to hear the reply from the second cadet, so he continued his walk. He couldn’t help but smile a little, fingers curling around the unopened chocolate pudding cup.

Entering the Bad Batch’s barrakcs, Tech spotted Crosshair cleaning his rifle on his bunk. Nodding his greetings to Hunter and Wrecker, Tech made his way to the sniper, who lifted his head when Tech’s shadow fell on him.

Tilting his head, Crosshair gave Tech a slow once over, mapping every detail of him before Crosshair’s eyes honed in on the pudding cup Tech was holding in his hand.

A knowing smirk spread on Crosshair’s lips and he carefully put his sniper away, patting the spot next to him with his free hand.

“Did you get caught?” the sniper asked, teasing, even as he took the offered sweet.

Tech huffed, mock-insulted, as he sat next to Crosshair. “Despite the revisited security in the kitchens, the chances of getting caught are much lower than they used to be,” he informed somewhat-primly, leaning against the other man. He felt Crosshair shift a little so that he could support Tech properly while eating the pudding.

The scent of the artificial flavor they used to make the pudding mimic the taste of chocolate filled Tech’s nose, making him grimace a little.

How Crosshair could still eat them, Tech had no idea. He had gotten sick after half a pallet of pudding, while Crosshair had eaten his way through not just one but two whole pallets.

But the way Crosshair lit every single time Tech kept sneaking him an extra pudding cup years after their daring little heist made the mild discomfort worth it.

The cuddles were nice as well.

And they might’ve found the little thiefs.

Sighing, Tech closed his eyes, listening to Crosshair demolish the little pudding with pleased little hums.

** ** ** **

A/N: There was never 10 pallets of chocolate pudding. Only four. You know how rumors tend to grow as time passes. But they DID get some Alpha ARCs involved with the mystery of The Missing Pudding Cups.

The said Alphas (three of them) were highly amused about the whole thing and but also a little jealous that there had been no pudding cups when they’d been cadets.

And they might, just might, have not reported anything to the Kaminoans.

They were given the last remaining one and half pallets of chocolate pudding.

#Tech #Crosshair #Star Wars: The Bad Batch #Star Wars: The Clone Wars #askbox writing prompts #cloneshipping #the very beginnings of it #at least #asks #valkeakuulas writes AKA butchers English grammar

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the-mortifying-ordeal-of · 6 days ago

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I hosted family dinner last night and made a chickpea potato curry with both brown rice and cauliflower rice as optional sides. I was really happy with how everything turned out, and I was surprised that everyone wanted the cauli rice! and apparently even enjoyed it. We played some Uno and I screamed laughing several times (I wish I'd entered things in my quote book; I just remember my bonus sister insisting on pine and when it was my turn to pick a color, my brother said "it's all McDonald's on a clear day over here" and even now I'm nearly hysterical giggling at how perfect his delivery was).

After, my mom was talking about the new salted caramel frosty at Wendy's and how we should try it sometime, and I joked "oh, right now? You said we're going right now?" and I feel manipulative baiting her like that bc I know she doesn't say no, and sure enough she took us all and paid for frosties. She did get us smalls, but she got upset when she kept prompting me to try mine and I kept refusing - I wanted mine at home, alone, not unmasked in a car with three petri dishes, but also as a treat after I remade my bed and cleaned up the kitchen after hosting. Mostly though, I think it was my first junk since starting this journey ~three months ago, maybe two bc I had Oreos at MUC's birthday. I feel bad I snapped at my mom, especially because she just wanted reassurance for the recommendation and generosity (that I pushed her into ugh). She asked how she was supposed to know I liked it and I told her I would text her. I hate it when I snap and she reacts like a kicked puppy, it's one of our most painful dances that leaves my chest so tight.

Anyway, I did get home, threw it in my freezer while I finished all my chores and routines, and then ended up eating it over the sink with a salt shaker bc damn that shit was good. I'm glad I waited to enjoy it that way, bc I looked it up to log it and it was fucking 600. Oh my god, SO not worth 600, especially if I'd hate it with company, distracted, and sans salt. I'd much rather have my parfaits, or CC and blueb, or the sneak treat spoons of PB I've been using to curb cravings. 600 for a small that went SO fast is ridiculous (I had the thought about three spoons in "this isn't even enough to hurt" and I think it's the first time I've acknowledged mid-consumption that my goal is to take in so much it hurts - that's the sensation I chase).

After, I obvs took a page from the glucose goddess and not Ed Sheeran at all and did my pushups, crunches, bridge lifts, lateral leg lifts and circles, and my new 90s plank. I think it was about 15m of activity, it got my hr up, and I actually felt really good after. Still had a pb before bed, which is further proof that junk does not satisfy me whatsoever, even yummy salty sparkly treats that are hALF MY BMR.

Wanted a record of that bc the cravings always tell me that the indulgences will make me feel better, and they really dont. They taste nice, but so do my safer foods, and really what I want is for it to hurt and there are other ways to hurt, like my muscle work, that feel better longterm.

I think that's all. I slept in yesterday after my 0130 waking, which makes sense, and today I only woke up at 5 bc of my alarm, so not enough time to ellip before work, but I hope I can get my early mornings back. I'm almost done with KOA! I guess I have time to read on the treadmill but nah I'd rather stay in, pop a 5, and maybe just start work early. I feel good about my progress and routines. I'm the closest to being happy that I really ever have been. And happiness leads to success, not the other way around!

Oh oh oh and SKZ presale is soon! I almost certainly don't want to spend the money for the ticket and trip, but I want to check all the same. I'd obviously love to if it was free, but I've worked too hard to save this money and be liberated from debt and addiction. I can just as happily stream a show bc god bless fandom taking vids. I love my bb boys so much. The boxer street version mv is my new favorite thing in the whole world.

Over and out!

PS: I kinda want to start a record of the songs I wake up with in my head. Chicken Fried started my country phase all those years ago, but this week alone I've had Conversations with My Wife, Du Hast, some Christian praise song ice forgotten, something maybe classical yesterday, and Slumber Party this morning. I'd love to see if there's a pattern.

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phoenixyfriend · 3 years ago

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soulmate au: 2 or 27 for rexwalker? (or rexanidala)

soulmate au prompts

2. the one where you have your soulmate’s name written on your body.

27. the one where you can transfer any injuries/pain your soulmate has onto yourself.

Once again featuring Marginally Less Terrible Jango, Hopeless Romantic Anakin, and Significantly More Awkward Rex.

Word Count: 5.9k

-----

Anakin doesn’t have a soulmate until he’s ten years old.

He’s already been at the Temple for half a year by then, and heard enough about how not having a soul mark is a good thing, for a Jedi. It means fewer temptations away from the duties they’ve all agreed to take on. There are people with names on their bodies, including Obi-Wan, who has two, but everyone agrees that while friendship with one’s soulmate is fine, especially if that soulmate is a fellow Jedi, it cannot be allowed to become too deep.

“I don’t understand,” Anakin admits to Obi-Wan, one night when he finds Obi-Wan looking at the name that wraps around his upper thigh, the one in the unfamiliar alphabet and cultured, perfect strokes. It’s a few months after he arrives, long enough to think they won’t kick him out just for asking questions, but not quite long enough to know what’s normal yet. His own soul mark is several months away, not that he knows it. “Soulmates were one of the few things a mas--an owner couldn’t take away from a slave. They could get rid of the mark, but we still knew. They were important, something the universe gave us that we could keep, even if it was only in our memories. Why do Jedi try to make it not count?”

Obi-Wan gets a look on his face, the one he gets whenever Anakin has a question that’s more complicated and philosophical than what Obi-Wan was ready for, the questions about why that he has to think about because it’s all normal for Obi-Wan, who grew up here, in ways that it isn’t (and will never be) for Anakin with his Tatoo heart and slaveborn mind.

“It’s not about the depth of the relationship in and of itself,” Obi-Wan finally says. “It’s about how you go about it, how you let it affect you, and if you let it get in the way of your duties as a Jedi, or put yourself at risk of a fall. It’s... it’s not banned, exactly, to love someone the way one would expect to love a soulmate, but it’s discouraged for our own safety and health. Losing someone you love hurts everyone, but for a Force-user to lose someone they consider so dear to their heart, there’s always a risk of losing one’s stability and going Dark.”

Anakin doesn’t entirely understand, but he pretends he does.

Obi-Wan scratches at the stubble he’s trying to turn into a beard, and says, “Okay, let me finish getting dressed, and then I’m going to tell you a few stories. You said you like learning through stories, right?”

Anakin nods.

“Okay, so... Bandomeer, I think. Melida/Daan and Mandalore, definitely. And we can round it out with what happened a few days ago,” Obi-Wan mutters. “I--most of those are planets.”

“I’ve heard of Mandalore,” Anakin volunteers.

“Yes, most have,” Obi-Wan indulges him, but he looks a little nervous. “Anakin, I... these stories all have to do with some very painful times in my life, times when I almost left, or did leave, the Jedi Order. I think--”

“You left the Jedi?”

“For a year, when I was a little older than you, but I came back,” Obi-Wan says. “I’m... can you put on some tea? It’ll make this conversation easier.”

“Is it about your soulmates?” Anakin asks, clinging to the doorframe just before he exits.

“...one of them,” Obi-Wan says, passing a hand over the mark on his thigh. “It’s... she’s why Mandalore is on this list, but that story won’t make as much sense unless I tell you about Bandomeer and Melida/Daan first.”

“Because you left?”

“Because I already knew what leaving could cost me,” Obi-Wan corrects, gentle but oddly stern. “Go put on the tea, Anakin. I’ll only be a few minutes.”

-----

Three months after Anakin hears about the times Obi-Wan was forced to leave, did leave, almost left, and threatened to leave (for Anakin’s sake!), the name of his soulmate comes in.

“That’s not a name,” Anakin says.

“Anakin--”

“That’s not a name,” Anakin says, more upset than he’d like to admit. The soul mark sits neatly on one side of his lower abdomen, warm and precisely lettered and absolutely terrifying.

CT-7567, in a dark, desaturated blue.

“I don’t think your soulmate is a droid,” Obi-Wan tries to joke. It falls flat.

“They’re a born slave,” Anakin says, and watches Obi-Wan stiffen. “Droids don’t get soulmates. Slaves do, but sometimes ma--owners don’t let slaves have names. They just give ‘em a number and that’s it. Supposed to make us more pliant and keeps us from having thoughts of individuality.”

“Them, Anakin, not us. You’re free.”

Anakin looks up at him, lip wobbling, and he knows a Jedi shouldn’t cry, not when he’s already ten, but he wants to any way. “My soulmate isn’t.”

“O-oh, okay, we’re crying now,” Obi-Wan mutters, clearly overwhelmed, and pulls Anakin to his chest. “It’ll be alright, dear one. Your mark means you will meet one day, and when you do, you can free them. Alright?”

“Okay.”

-----

“Skywalker? Sounds like a slave name.”

It’s a refrain that CT-7567 hears almost every time one of the adults sees his mark. They mention Tatooine sometimes. One of the bounty hunters that covers their weapons training gets angry if people point out the slave thing, and CT-7567 isn’t the only person to get a slave for a soulmate. She doesn’t explain it often, but there’s an incident when Rex is three that gives him a little more information.

“That one’ll be angry,“ the bounty hunter mutters, her lip curling when she hears the cadets gossiping about their marks again, sees CT-7567 pulling up his shirt to show off his own. She’s always like that, about the clones who have slave soulmates. CC-1010, who knows everything about everyone, says that she used to be a slave before she killed her way out. She’s definitely scary enough. “Name like that... Tatooine, human, might be a slave or might be freeborn from a line of slaves. Either way, that one’s going to be angry about it.”

“How do you mean, sir?”

Her eyes flick to his, and then back to the slugthrower she’s cleaning. “Tatooine slave culture knows things. Your mark on this “Anakin” is going to be your number until you get a name, and they’re not going to make the mistake of thinking their soulmate is a droid. They’ll know you were born to a purpose.”

It takes another year for CT-7567 to learn that she means ‘you were born a slave.’

(It takes two more for him to pick a name.)

-----

Anakin is not the only one in the Temple to have this kind of soul mark popping up. He is not even the first. The Council is investigating it, apparently, but they don’t have much to go off of. It didn’t start until a year or two before Anakin came to Coruscant, but enough Jedi are affected by the CC and CT soul marks for it to be concerning. Anakin gets called in to provide some information on what he knows about slave-designations in these circumstances, which isn’t much, and is barely more than what they already know, but they assure him it’s helpful. Something about corroborating the information a raised slave is taught culturally with the information a Shadow can collect from a community that doesn’t trust them. Obi-Wan explains that it’s about how Anakin knows information that was collected and taught, instead of information that has to be gathered, bit by bit, and analyzed.

It’s a long way of saying that Anakin knows things that other people don’t, because he wasn’t raised in the safety of the Temple.

Anakin doesn’t know many of the others, but he does know one even before his soul mark comes in, because their Masters are friends. They talk about it, and three years after they first connect over this, something happens.

“It changed! Anakin, Ani, it changed!”

Anakin drops the datapad he’s been doing history homework on, and looks up as Aayla, already in the suite, grabs his shoulders and shakes him a little.

“Aayla?” Obi-Wan calls, coming out of the kitchen with a rag in one hand and a wet plate in the other. “What in the--what are you shouting about?”

Knight Vos follows Aayla in--it’s a bit early to call him a Master, given that Aayla’s still not knighted, but it’s getting close--and leans against the door, arms crossed. “Kid was right. The mark changes when the soulmate picks a name.”

Aayla pulls down the shoulder of one sleeve, and Anakin sees that the designation number has changed. It’s not a regimented CC-5052 anymore, but a short, sweet Bly, with a flourish at the end that probably means this person is always going to be excited to sign their name.

“We already knew that,” Obi-Wan says. “When people transition, their name changes on their soulmate as well. This is the same thing.”

“We didn’t know that it applied to born slaves the same way,” Knight Vos says. “All we had was anecdotal evidence from the kid. Trustworthy, yes, but no data to back it up. And now we know.”

“I wonder how it’s meant to be pronounced,” Aayla says, and obligingly lets Anakin poke at the name that swirls on her shoulder in a vivid yellow against the blue. It’s pretty, he thinks. The handwriting and the color and what it means that the soulmates they’ve all gotten are finding ways to be people.

“How long until mine changes?” Anakin asks, even though he knows that nobody here has that answer. “Do you think all of them are going to find names? Or...”

“If they don’t by the time we find them,” Aayla assures him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, “they will once they’re free.”

(In one life, the Jedi would have held their tongues and ducked their heads, hidden in denial and ��we are their only option’ and ‘the Senate will use them regardless; we are a kinder fate than men like Tarkin’ and would never use the words ‘slave army’ to describe their men.)

(In this life, they are primed, from the moment a little freed boy explains exactly what a soul mark like this means to people like his, to see their army and say ‘we will free you.’)

-----

Rex

Anakin has his eyes fixed on the name from the moment his mark burns and twists and changes. He’s sixteen by then, and on a mission with Obi-Wan that prevents him from running to break into Knight Aayla’s room and show off to her the way she had to him. He’s not even on planet, but at least it’s not the middle of a fight. That could have been bad.

“Hey, Obi-Wan?”

“Hm?”

“I got a name.”

“For the assassin?” Obi-Wan asks, raising his head hopefully. “Did you get through to the guild?”

“...no, I meant, uh, my soulmate.” Anakin lifts his shirt, waits on that unfortunate dash of disappointment, and then Obi-Wan’s face lights up and the man practically scrambles over to get a better look. Anakin tries not to let himself read too much into it. It’s... nice, he thinks. That Obi-Wan is excited for him.

“I feel like half these individuals are picking names of exactly three letters,” Obi-Wan says, but he’s smiling as he almost touches the mark. He doesn’t, in the end, but Anakin wants to laugh at it anyway. “Rex, then. I look forward to meeting your young man.”

Anakin feels his face flare. “We don’t know that it’s a boy. I mean, there might be places where that’s a girl’s name. Or a species that doesn’t have our genders. Or--”

“I have a feeling,” Obi-Wan says, and laughs when Anakin pouts at him. “Oh, I wouldn’t bet my saber on it, but a few credits, at least. Nothing solid, but I was prone to visions as a youngling. Qui-Gon was never very good at dealing with the peculiarities of such a connection to the Unifying Force. He tried, admittedly, but he was very much a man of the present.”

Anakin spends the rest of the mission silently cheering on his soulmate for picking a name.

For taking that step to saying “I’m a person.”

-----

Someone tries to assassinate Senator Amidala. Anakin and Obi-Wan are assigned to protect her. There’s an incident with a robot, and Obi-Wan is... pulled aside.

(Anakin finds himself thinking, more than once, that he could have fallen in love with this woman if he wasn’t so attached to the idea inked into his skin.)

(Senator Amidala doesn’t have a soulmate. She’s free to choose, she claims. He doesn’t envy her, but he does respect this.)

(Anakin likes the security of the universe telling him that there’s someone he’s meant for.)

Obi-Wan disappears to investigate something, and returns just before Anakin and Padme are set to leave. He looks... grim.

“The assassination is more complicated than we thought,” Obi-Wan says. “As in, the main assassin was expecting this to fail, so we’d come find him after he killed the subcontractor.”

“So...”

“He wants to talk to us,” Obi-Wan says. “But, specifically, to the two of you.”

-----

“So, you’re Anakin Skywalker.”

Jango Fett is a shorter man than Anakin, shorter even than Obi-Wan, but he’s not small. The armor bulks him out further. There’s faint scars on his face, here and there, and he seems more amused than anything when Anakin slips in front of Padme to actually be the bodyguard he’s supposed to play.

“What’s it to you?” Anakin challenges, and pretends he doesn’t see the way Obi-Wan pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs.

Fett smirks. “One of my boys has your name on him.”

Anakin stops breathing for a moment.

“One of your boys?” Padme prompts, and Anakin tries to remember his job.

Fett’s smirk falls away and he palms his face. “Three million of them, and counting. I’ve had people cross-referencing soul marks as they pop up, in case anyone’s connected to someone... important. Special attention on the confirmed Jedi.”

“Three mill--you’re behind the ident number marks,” Anakin realizes. “The slave-born.”

Obi-Wan’s face looks carved from stone, and Anakin realizes that the mood he’s been in since he called Anakin and Padme was because he’d figured it out before he called.

“Yeah, Umiett said you’d be the one to make that connection,” Fett mutters. He shakes his head. “Listen, I’ve got three million clones that are more sentient than anyone told me they’d be, and I’ve spent the last few years trying to decide how to get myself out of this contract without abandoning them in the process. Tyranus gave me the job to assassinate Amidala, but I’d already had her shortlisted as one of the Republic members most like to help me get these boys citizenship and legal rights. Once I heard Skywalker and Kenobi were involved, turning this into a discreet way to get your attention seemed like the obvious solution.”

“You tried to kill me... to get my attention... so I’d help you.”

“I didn’t try to kill you. I subcontracted to a former acquaintance that I knew wasn’t good enough to get past two Jedi.”

“Right,” Padme says, seeming unimpressed. Anakin agrees. “Okay, three million sentients, all your children--”

“Clones.”

“--yes, something that’s very illegal in the Republic at that scale,” she says. “Unless--”

“Kamino’s in the Rishi maze. Dwarf galaxy, not actually part of the Republic. Isolated.”

“Okay, that’s... going to make this more difficult,” Padme says. “Where does your citizenship lie? Are you still Mandalorian? I’m not as familiar with your role in recent politics as I could be. I know there’s something about all violent dissenters being sent to Concordia, but you--”

“If I thought that hut’uunla Duchess would listen to me, I’d have already reached out,” Fett dismisses. “That’s part of why I focused on Kenobi and Skywalker when doing the research. Skywalker’s got the background to argue slavery, and Kenobi’s got connections in Mandalorian politics.”

“And I’m to be your voice in the Senate.”

“Not mine. The clones’.”

Anakin looks to Obi-Wan for guidance, because this man was involved with the attempted assassination, but...

“Who is Tyranus?” Obi-Wan asks.

“Oh, you’re going to enjoy this. The man calling himself Darth Tyranus is Count Dooku of Serreno.”

Anakin hasn’t heard Obi-Wan swear that colorfully since the last time he got stabbed.

-----

Things... progress. Quietly. Fett mentions there being a Sith in the Senate, something he picked up from a particularly ugly visit from the Count to Kamino, the kind of visit that involved veiled conversations intended as mocking, bragging monologues.

“He really is a villain,” Obi-Wan mutters, as if Anakin hasn’t seen him monologue to captured criminals on occasion, or get so caught up in The Banter that he lets something slip that he shouldn’t have.

Anakin and Padme go to Naboo to ‘keep her safe,’ and Obi-Wan hares off on a falsified investigation, keeping the Council updated the entire time. Anakin doesn’t like splitting up, not when so much is happening, but they have no idea who the Sith in the senate might be, if they even exist. Anakin doesn’t even have time to say goodbye to the Chancellor.

All this contributes, for Anakin is already stressed, and excited, anticipatory and afraid, and then the nightmares come. Padme’s more aware of his fears than she might have been, as much as they talk about slaves and freedom and how she makes things happen with words and legislation. Anakin’s a little in love with the idea of this woman, though he won’t act on anything until he meets his soulmate and figures out what they’re meant to be for each other, but... friends, at least. Padme is going to be a friend, possibly for life, and Anakin’s going to love her no matter what.

She coaxes out the truth, and then tells him, ‘well, your mother would know more about this than you, since you left at nine; it would be entirely reasonable to ask her for advice,’ and then smiles like they’re sharing a secret crush instead of plotting the violation of his orders.

They save Shmi.

(Barely.)

Padme doesn’t get the advice she was using an excuse from Shmi, but from a long, tired conversation with Beru Whitesun. As it turns out, when a family’s been freeing slaves for generations, they know what they’re talking about. Even Anakin remembers the Whitesun reputation. Padme’s notes are copious.

Anakin cares for his mother, and talks to his stepbrother, and gets an idea of who these people in his life are. He can’t imagine they’ll make contact often, but he’s glad to meet them. Cliegg--his stepfather, and isn’t that a thought--isn’t a particularly soft man, or a smooth one, but his gruffness has a different energy on Tatooine than it would on Coruscant. Anakin approves.

Obi-Wan calls. Padme explains. Anakin is shamed by his Master and then has to defend that particular title when Owen and Beru stare at him and the comm in matching horror.

“Master-Apprentice,” Anakin says, just a little panicked. “Not Master-Slave. He’s my teacher, practically family, not... you don’t need to worry. I promise.”

“I’ve seen them interact,” Padme says, and then shoots a small, smug smile at Beru. “Obi-Wan’s somewhere between father and brother to Anakin. It’s very sweet, when they’re together, and very entertaining.”

Beru, who’s had three days to get used to Padme, smiles and nods. “Alright then. I’ll take your words for it.”

Obi-Wan sputters a bit at the claim, in the background, and Anakin is... just a little upset by that.

“I think your mother would want to speak with him,” Cliegg claims, and Anakin hesitates, because this is a mission call, for all that gossip is happening, and he really shouldn’t break more rules after the big one he’s clearly, blatantly completely ignored to come to Tatooine in the first place. Cliegg holds out a hand, eyes on Obi-Wan. “As would I.”

“Well,” Obi-Wan says. “I suppose I do have a moment.”

-----

Anakin and Padme arrive on Kamino.

“Your mother,” Obi-Wan says, in lieu of a greeting, “is oddly terrifying, did you know?”

“She’s... still recovering,” Anakin says, brow furrowing. “She can’t leave the bed for anything other than the ‘fresher for weeks, probably. And she’s nice, how is any of that terrifying?”

“It’s her energy,” Obi-Wan notes. “Quietly intimidating, I’d say. Very odd, really.”

“What did you even talk about?” Anakin asks, and then blushes as Padme giggles at him, like she knows things that he doesn’t. She probably does. She’s older than him. Still.

“Ah, that,” Obi-Wan says, looking away for a moment and--blushing? Obi-Wan’s blushing? “She rather aggressively informed me of what is considered normal on Tatooine for a relationship that is, as Padme put it, ill-defined but close and familial.”

“Master, you--what?”

Obi-Wan rolls his eyes and steps forward, pulling Anakin into a hug. Oh. “I’ve been informed that the manner in which I show affection to you is rather understated and ambiguous, by Tatoo standards, and that leaving things unsaid isn’t enough.”

“...Obi-Wan?”

“I consider you my brother,” Obi-Wan says, into this hug that is stiff and uncomfortable, but sincere and full of effort. “And I do love you very much, dear one, even if I’m rather unpracticed in showing it in ways that would... translate, shall we say.”

“Oh,” Anakin says, because he can’t think of anything else. He hugs back.

There’s a moment there, where Obi-Wan relaxes and Anakin shifts, and everything feels just a tiny bit more right, and then someone coughs.

“If you two are done?” Fett drawls, and Anakin mourns as Obi-Wan huffs and pulls away, hands back to being tucked into his sleeves in front of him.

“Quite,” Obi-Wan says back, with the strained smirk of someone who’s been dealing with the same frustrating sentient for a solid week without the option of just bashing their face in.

Fett rolls his eyes, and gestures for them to follow him. “I’ve got a bunch of the Alphas and CCs waiting on you, along with anyone we know for sure has a Jedi soulmate. Kenobi’s already spoken with them all, got confirmation that we probably haven’t missed any connections.”

“I know the list of everyone who reported a CC or CT soul mark to the Council,” Obi-Wan huffs. “I have it memorized.”

“Because of Anakin?” Padme asks.

“His mark came in when he was ten,” Obi-Wan says. “I was his legal guardian until very recently. Given the circumstances, it was reasonable that most of the information on the ident-code marking situation be shared with me in the same way that his school reports and medical records were. He was a minor until a year ago, Senator, and as you so rightly pointed out, my role in his life is certainly that of the family member who raised him for the past decade.

“Master,” Anakin hisses, well aware of his blush. “You’re embarrassing me.”

Obi-Wan looks at him, amused. “I’m told that’s rather the point, dear one.”

Padme looks away, clearly fighting back a grin, and Fett’s expression is mocking, at best.

They enter the section of the facility where other people are a moment later, and Anakin is... not quite as ready for the sea of identical faces as he thought he’d be. One small boy in different tunics from the rest runs up to Fett with a call of ‘Buir!’ and falls into step with them, grabbing Fett’s hand and peering curiously at the rest of them.

“This is Boba,” Fett tells them. “He’s the only unaltered one.”

“The one you claimed at birth,” Padme clarifies.

“Decanting!” Boba pipes up, and then smiles winningly at Padme. “I wasn’t born. I was decanted. He claimed me at decanting.”

Fett looks like he wants to run a hand down his face. “Yes, Boba’s the clone that was provided to me as part of the payment I demanded when I first signed on to the project. He’s the only one I technically have legal claim to.”

“All the others are Kaminoan property until claimed by the Senate or Jedi,” Obi-Wan adds, and Fett nods in his direction. “Preferably the Jedi, of course.”

“The Nulls are with Kal Skirata,” Boba pipes up. “He adopted all of them and Kaminiise didn’t care that much because they thought the Nulls were all failed experiments anyway.”

Fett grimaces at the look that gets him from Padme. “They’re not mine. None of them would have wanted to be, anyway, but it stands that I haven’t spoken with them in years.”

“They’re precedent,” Padme corrects. “One I should have been made of aware of if you want this to work. Can you put me in contact with this Skirata individual? What’s his, and their, citizenship status?”

Anakin steps back to Obi-Wan as Padme drills Fett for information, and keeps his eyes wandering for threats--unlikely, if Fett is genuine, and Obi-Wan says he is--and trying to figure out the best way to keep track of which clone is which. They do feel different in the Force, but Anakin’s not as used to using that sense for identification as most Jedi. He sees a few scars and tattoos, but he thinks he’s going to have to--

Oh.

“Anakin? Why did you stop?”

Anakin ignores his master, because one of the clones, one he can’t even see, is glowing so strong and right and calling to him...

“Anakin, please answer me.”

“I can feel him,” Anakin breathes out. “My soulmate. I think I can feel him, in the Force.”

“Ah,” Obi-Wan says, relaxing. “Yes, that tends to happen, when we look. Fett assured us that he’d be at the meeting, dear. Just a few more hallways to go.”

Those hallways pass in a blur, because he’s there his soulmate is there and--

A room, full of clones that look older than Anakin, for all that they can’t be, and more clones that don’t.

There’s a clone in full kit, helmet included, but Anakin knows, just knows, that this one is his.

“Troopers!” Fett barks. “Kenobi’s brought some friends in. Senator Amidala’s going to be working on the citizenship bill with us. The other Jedi is Anakin Skywalker. You can guess why he’s--”

The fully-armored soldier takes a half-step forward.

Fett sighs. “By the ka’ra, Rex, you’re going to embarrass yourself and me. Take your bucket off, kid, let him see you.”

“Some tact, Fett,” Obi-Wan snaps, and for all that it’s quiet and intended to be subtle, the clones absolutely hear him.

They also seem amused. Apparently Obi-Wan’s been hanging about for long enough that he and Fett have a dynamic, one the clones have gotten used to and find hilarious.

Anakin only sort of notices this, because the clone in armor, still unpainted, pulls off his helmet and for all that it’s the exact same face as Anakin’s seen a thousand times over in the last fifteen minutes, there’s something uniquely beautiful that has nothing to do with the blonde hair or the nervous smile.

“You’re Rex?” Anakin asks, even though he’s sure, he’s absolutely convinced, that this young man is his soulmate.

“Yes,” the young clone says. He looks about Anakin’s age, and Fett’s told them time and again that the clones are basically the age they look, for the most part. Anakin’s going to take it slow anyway.

“Obi-Wan already said it, but, um, I’m Anakin,” he says, and tries to find something to do with his hands that isn’t just taking his soulmate and hugging him ‘til all the suns set. He looks down, and settles for mimicking Obi-Wan and just tucking them into his sleeves. He looks up at Rex, and tries to smile, but he’s so nervous about all of this that it probably doesn’t look like much. He thinks he hears someone snickering.

“Oh good,” someone mumbles. “They’re both hopeless.”

Anakin snaps his head around and glowers at the little group the comment came from, but he has no idea which one said it. All four look amused, and have varying degrees of shit-eating grin in place.

“If you didn’t outrank him, Rex would totally be shooting you right now,” little Boba says. “I think he’d deserve to do that.”

Anakin doesn’t have to strain at all to hear Fett’s groan.

“Alright,” one of the older clones says, and everyone stands a little straighter. An authority among the clones? Official, or more of an informal primus inter pares situation? “Rex’ika and his Jedi can go get to know one another, and none of us are going to make fun of them for it, because I know damn well how many of you have been mooning over the idea of your soulmates despite knowing literally nothing about them.”

“So’ve you, Alpha!”

“You want a boot up your ass, Wolffe? Because if you keep talking, that’s what you’re getting.”

“Boys,” Fett says, and they settle down. “Now, the Senator has some questions for you, and you’re going to comply when she asks, because it’s going to keep your little brothers alive. You understand?”

One clone raises a hand, and Fett sighs.

“Yes, and little sisters, Valierra,” he adds. He mutters something under his breath that sounds like “kriffing Basic.”

(Anakin later learns that Mando’a is not a gendered language, and Fett’s frustration is entirely about the fact that ‘brothers’ isn’t gender neutral. Anakin tries to ask why he doesn’t just say ‘sibling’ or use the Mando’a word, and there’s apparently a whole thing with some instructors wanting to encourage the clones to learn to be Mandalorian, and others wanting to cut them off from anything to do with the planet.)

(Anakin... tries to understand. He’s still confused about why ‘siblings’ isn’t on the table.)

“Go on, Anakin,” Obi-Wan says, looking somewhere between amused and exasperated. “We can catch you up later.”

“I got enough from Beru,” Padme assures him. “You can pop in to help us fine-tune later.”

Anakin nods, just a short jerk of his head, and then looks to Rex. The man is glaring at a little at a little group of other clones, but when Anakin reaches out and takes his hand--takes his hand--Rex turns and stares at him with wide eyes and a flush that Anakin’s sure he’s mirroring.

“We should talk,“ he blurts out, and he can feel Obi-Wan’s despair at how completely inept Anakin is at this whole ‘personal interactions’ thing, but that’s fine, because Obi-Wan’s a bit of a slut, and Anakin doesn’t flirt with everyone he meets, and he’s been waiting for his soulmate like a sensible person.

(“Or a romantic,” Vos had pointed out, once. “Most people date at least a little if they don’t meet their soulmate by, like, fifteen. I mean, culturally I understand why you want to wait until you meet your soulmate, but it’s not really a matter of sensibility, just personal preference. Obi-Wan’s not less sensible for sleeping around.”)

(Anakin does not like this argument, and so he ignores it.)

(Well, no, he agrees that people should be allowed to flirt if they want, but he doesn’t like the implication he’s gotten from a few other padawans about how he’s ‘awkward’ for not knowing how to talk to people that he wants to impress somehow.)

(So, he’s going to claim it’s sensibility.)

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

“Kriff off, Ponds!” Rex barks out, immediately pinging on the exact clone that said the words, and Anakin bites a lip to keep from laughing at them both.

“Out,” Fett orders. “We’ve got shit to do, stop being a distraction.”

“Being a distraction, my dear, is a skill that Anakin’s put far too much effort into developing just to drop it on your command,” Obi-Wan says, light and airy and not at all like he just dragged Anakin and Fett for no Force-damned reason.

“Come on,” Rex mutters, tugging Anakin to the door with a blush that only grows as the other clones catcall them on the way out of the room. Anakin hears at least one particularly dirty comment get cut off by a smacking noise and a reprimand from a clone he thinks is probably Alpha.

The second they’re out of sight, Rex slows down, and glances back at Anakin.

Anakin tries to smile in encouragement. He’s not sure it works, really, but Rex smiles back, so it can’t be that bad.

“Here, Alpha told me to use the mini conference room,” Rex tells him, when the get to a nondescript door with a number on it. “It’s not completely secure, but we can lock the door so it’s mostly private.”

“Can I kiss you?” Anakin asks, and then has to fight to not clap a hand over his mouth.

He was going to go slow. He was a moron who’d promised himself to go slow. Rex is mostly an adult but there are ways in which he isn’t, and Anakin might not be fully an adult either, but that’s not really an excuse, and--

“Yes, please,” Rex says, and oh Anakin really likes the shy grin on him. It’s pretty.

(This man, he thinks, could easily bench press Anakin a few times over, but he’s blushing like a storybook maiden, and he’s doing it for Anakin.)

Anakin moves slowly, because this isn’t something he has much practice with either, but he takes Rex’s face in his hands and leans in, pressing their lips together with only the slightest tilt of his head, just barely less than chaste, and a firework goes off inside his ribcage.

His soulmate! He’s kissing his soulmate!

There’s a ‘stop projecting’ nudge from Obi-Wan in the Force. Anakin tosses up a shield and focuses back on the kissing. He pulls away, and the goes to just... peck a bit. Just small, chaste, tiny kisses because he doesn’t want to stop. Because for all that they just met a few minutes ago, this feels right.

Warm hands, larger than his own and steady in a way he thinks he really likes, settle on his hips.

“We--mm--really should talk,” Rex manages, and Anakin... well, Anakin stops kissing him.

Rex apparently likes it as much as Anakin does, because he lifts up onto his toes to kiss Anakin again before fully breaking off. He grins, clearly sheepish, and shrugs. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Anakin says, and then Rex pulls him down to press their foreheads together, radiating warmth and hope and affection that Anakin hasn’t earned yet, but is definitely going to.

“This is a Keldabe kiss,” Rex says, and his nose brushes against Anakin’s as he shifts. His hands are still on Anakin’s waist, and Anakin decides to wrap his arms around Rex’s shoulders. It’s nice. “I like, um, I like the other kind of kissing too, but this means a lot to me, and it’s one of those Mandalorian things they actually let us pick up.”

“Fine by me,” Anakin says, and he, hells, he hasn’t even asked for proof of the soul marks, but he doesn’t need to, really, with the Force as insistent as it is. “So. Talk?”

“Yeah. Let’s talk.”

#Rexwalker #Anakin Skywalker #Captain Rex #Obi Wan Kenobi #Jango Fett #Padme Amidala #Aayla Secura #Hopeless Romantic Anakin Skywalker #Phoenix Answers Memes #soulmate au #Phoenix Posts

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descriptev · 3 years ago

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so, the l’manburg crater looks amazing! cc!phil did a great job. it genuinely looks really cool and was such a good backdrop for tubbo’s lore yesterday.

now, I’ve seen some fun discourse popping up over the last couple of weeks regarding c!phil being the one to clean up the crater. some are upset because c!phil was the one who helped create the crater, and any renovations to that area shouldn’t be his decision to make. and I get it... to an extent. some posts are interpreting the life returning to the area as something that was done without c!phil’s help at all, that cc!phil just streamed the redecorating because he wanted to chat while he worked. and that’s all well and good, but I still kind of like the idea that this is c!philza lore.

so if we go with that thought process - that phil actually was the one to fix up the crater - I also don’t think, as some posts have claimed, that c!phil did it to make amends for his actions or to bring himself some closure for this country he used to live in. I genuinely don’t think he gives a single shit about L’manburg. I still think he’s anti-government, and anti-L’manburg specifically. I really don’t think he believes he did anything wrong on doomsday, and you know what? I'm actually okay with that. he’s allowed to have a unique morality. he’s c!philza, a man of unknown age and origin with only one canon life while everyone else has three. there is no way I can believe that c!phil fixed up the crater for any altruistic reason. that doesn’t fit my interpretation of c!phil’s character.

so instead, my headcanon is that he cleared the crater and helped bring life back to the destruction he left behind for one reason and one reason only.

he did it for her.

who is her? nothing is for certain yet. could be mumza. could possibly be c!wilbur’s mum. but nothing has been confirmed. one thing we can interpret about her (based on the fact that she, basically overnight, sprouted an entire enchanted forest around phil and techno’s arctic home), is that she has something to do with nature.

we really don’t know much about c!philza. as mentioned previously, we don’t know how old he is, what his religion is, who he cares for outside of techno and wilbur (and possibly ranboo and fundy). but there was something so special about how he reacted to that forest’s sudden appearance. the reverence in those written words to ranboo:

I’ve seen them do that before, long time ago

It could be... no, it can’t be her...

there is something about this mysterious Her that has me weirdly engaged. there isn’t a lot to analyze about her, but I feel like I can give a reading of her character anyway. to me, she embodies the reclamation of the natural order of things after bloodshed. and maybe, just maybe, c!phil agrees with that. and that’s why he fixed up the crater. for her.

or maybe I just really want to manifest philza lore... :)

#philza #character analysis #l'manburg #long post #dream smp #dsmp #mcyt #new headcanon #new hc drop #my headcanons #fanfic ideas

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thevoidismyhome2000 · 4 years ago

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Studio AU! FluffyNightKiller x Studio AU! XpressoLight

The magic of acting never ceased to amaze Ccino. How actors can so fully take on a persona and effortlessly bring things of fiction to life has always been amazing to Ccino, but especially now. He was preparing the coffee of the big four actors, Nightmare, Killer, Dream, and Cross, making each one perfect by second nature. His hands worked without thought, freeing his mind up to think about other things.

Like the fact that he had to come clean soon.

Ccino groans under his breath at the thought, closing his eye sockets.

When Nightmare and Killer began coming to the cafe during lunch, Ccino was hesitant, but excited. After all, two famous actors had focused their lunchtime on him! At first, it was like a dream. Gradually, he discovered things about them. Killer is infatuated with cats, and Nightmare needs no less than half the cup of creamer and milk in order to drink coffee without gagging.

Ccino became steadily happy to see them, excited and prepared every time. It was a few months of this when something else changed.

Ccino was cleaning up, ready to close up shop, when one hand rapped on the door.

“Hey, can we get something real quick?” The soft voice covered the space within and Ccino let the two visitors in, whom he quickly noted to be Dream, brother of Nightmare, and Cross.

They became something new in his routine.

Nightmare and Killer visited during lunch, and then Dream and Cross would stop by just before closing and walk Ccino home.

Just as had happened with Nightmare and Killer, Ccino gradually felt something for Dream and Cross.

It was only recently that Ccino finally put a word to the feelings he felt around the four actors.

Love.

He loved all four actors with all his heart.

And that led to this situation.

Where he needs to come clean to both pairs.

“Ccino, great work as always.” Came a compliment from the quieter of the two, Nightmare. Killer, meanwhile, was chugging the entire coffee order Ccino had made.

“I don’t know if I can ever make my own coffee again after getting used to you making it, Cc.” Ccino blushes slightly at the nickname Killer gave, freezing as he sees the other pair walking over.

I’d like a hole right now.

Ccino pales, chuckling nervously as Dream and Cross meet up with Nightmare, Killer, and Ccino.

“Hey, Ccino. Have you had a good day?” Ccino nods slightly, Dream frowning gently.

“If you’re having issues with your neighbors, you can always stay at our place.” Ccino shakes his head, trying to hide in his sweater as Nightmare responds.

“Dream? You know Ccino as well?” Dream nods.

“Cross and I have the time in the evenings, so we visit him and walk him home, you?”

“Kills and I can go during lunch, and we just hang out with him.” The two continue talking, leaving Killer and Cross to study Ccino, who is currently trying to melt into the floor.

“Hey, Night, Dream, I think Cc needs a break.” The two focus on Ccino, Nightmare frowning and gently rubbing Ccino’s pink cheeks.

“You’re heating up. Have you gotten enough sleep?” Ccino gives a small nod, not trusting his voice right now, silently thankful that neither pair has picked up on his feelings.

“We’ll be visiting during lunch, in the meantime, Dream, why don’t you take him to the nurse anyways, to make sure he’s okay.” Dream and Cross nod, leading Ccino away. Once they are around the corner, Dream smiles at Cross.

“You can head back, I think Ccino will be fine with just me.” Cross nods, placing a gentle kiss on Dream’s cheek, Ccino turning away from the affection.

I wish that could be me.

“Ccino, I’m not accusing you or anything, but based on the way you reacted, I get the feeling you are hiding something.” Ccino sighs, a little upset he can’t hide his feelings from Dream.

“I...I am...It’s nothing bad! I swear! Well...probably not. I’m…” Ccino stumbles over his words, Dream just smiling patiently. Ccino takes a deep breath, calming down slightly (he can never be truly calm when his blood might as well be coffee at this point).

“Promise you won’t judge me?”

“Promise.”

“Okay...I met Nightmare and Killer a few months before you and Cross...that isn’t the problem. The problem is…” Ccino can feel his cheeks heating up again at the thought.

The problem is I like all of you, and can’t decide which pair I like more.

“Is that all?” Ccino blinks.

“D-did...I say that out loud?”

“Yeap. And if you’re worried about picking a pair, then think about who you click with better.” Ccino releases a noise similar to a whine and a huff.

“If I could decide who I click with better, I would have picked already.” Dream hums softly, smiling.

“Then I suppose there really is a problem here.” Dream chuckles.

“Cause Cross and I fell for you too Coffee Boy. And I can already tell, Nightmare and Killer love you dearly as well.” Ccino slouches.

“Don’t remind me.”

“If you can’t pick, and all of us love you, then the solution is simple.” Dream smiles.

“Go back to your job, I’ll make sure Killer and Nightmare come with Cross and I at closing, okay?” Ccino slowly nods, heading back to his job with Dream, who then heads back to filming.

~~~~~

Ccino prepared their drinks about five minutes before they were due to arrive, cleaning excessively due to nerves mostly. Ever since his conversation, he’s been running different ideas for Dream’s solution in his head.

But there isn’t a solution here! Especially not a simple one.

“-Well, I’m glad we were able to clear that up!” Comes Dream’s voice from outside, laughter buried under the chipper tone.

“Agreed, and thank you for the suggestion.” Nightmare’s reply, in his cool yet soft voice.

“I’m amazed Ccino felt that way about us for so long and didn’t pop like a balloon.” Killer’s statement, with the undertones of excitement.

“Well, Ccino isn’t near as flirty as you.” Cross’s voice and laughter mixed with Killer’s laughter.

“True!” Killer replies, the excitement still there.

Finally, they reach the door, Dream raising his hand to knock.

“I-it’s open.” Dream smiles, pushing the door open, the other three filing in. Ccino is quick to hand them each their drink, making sure he got the order right.

The first several minutes are spent in utter silence as the four drink their coffees while Ccino vibrates between nervousness and wired on coffee. Even after they finish their drinks, none of them speak, only sending respective smiles toward Ccino.

What are they trying to do?

Ccino shudders, taking a deep breath and nervously wringing a nearby towel.

“I-i’m fairly certain Dream told you how I felt. I-i understand if you all are disgusted with me and don’t want to see me anymore. I-i can talk to my boss, get reassigned, never have to see you again,-” A soft hand rubs his tears away. Ccino blinks, staring at Dream, who tilts his head, smiling gently.

“Ccino, don’t cry, please. None of us want you reassigned, and none of us are disgusted with you. In fact...” Dream turns, Nightmare having stood up and crossed the cafe to stand beside Dream.

“We all want to try out Dream’s suggestion.”

“W-which is?” Dream and Nightmare smile, but it’s Killer, who is cuddling a cat, who responds.

“Well, we are all interested in polyamory. So the solution is simply for you to not choose at all.” Ccino tilts his head and Cross pipes up.

“You’ll get both Dream and I as well as Nightmare and Killer. All in one super deluxe package. We’re all in agreement that we are interested in you, and since you can’t make the choice, we figured this would be best, just to see.” Ccino sags against Nightmare, slightly catching the other off-guard.

“So...none of you hate me...for loving you both?” Dream chuckles softly and all the skeletons shake their heads.

“And you don’t hate me for hiding your visits from each other?”

“One, Ccino, we talk to each other at work. It was bound to come out. And two, you have a life outside of us. If we tried to micromanage your life so we were the only ones in it, we’d be toxic.” Ccino sighs, relaxing.

“Great, cause I’m tired, and don’t want to deal with my neighbors today.”

“Sounds great. Come stay at my place for the night.” Nightmare states, looking at the others.

“And no reason not to invite the rest of you over.” Everyone smiles and Ccino just rests on Nightmare. Slowly, Nightmare picks up Ccino, hugging the skeleton close to his chest, Killer and Cross rushing ahead to open the door, Dream smiling.

“Thank you...all...really…” Ccino mumbles as he slowly dozes off on Nightmare’s shoulder. The four look at each other, before grinning down at Ccino, whispering soft ‘goodnights’ to the tired skeleton.

Studio AU Concept and Headcanons courtesy of @zu-is-here, @help-im-a-gay-fish, @kotikaleo, and @yuriyuruandyuraart Nightmare and Dream belong to @jokublog Cross belongs to @jakei95 Killer belongs to @rahofy-sketch / @rahafwabas Ccino belongs to @black-nyanko

Honestly, I had so much fun writing this! This is probably my fluffiest oneshot ever.

#Ccillermare/FluffyNightKiller #XpressoLight #studio au #undertale #undertale aus #dream #nightmare #ccino #cross #killer #Hope You Enjoyed My Floofy Writing!#Have A Great Day/Night!

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pinkseas · 3 years ago

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bads frustration with the vines being cleaned up, “so disappointing, its all in preparation” god you can HEAR it and how upset he is im so. im so. im Not sane

the red banquet advertising LMAO was nervous but i feel better now.

no but the way bbh is still borderline fond of quackity even while corrupt. the way he shows little to no mercy to ANYONE he used to care about, towards his own friends, especially those going against the egg, and comparatively he’s so much easier on quackity, trying so hard to make him understand, really trying not to hurt him. god

remembering what the basement used to look like is SO jarring. one of my first ever streams i remember seeing it virtually untouched, i think one statue mightve been red ??? and NOTHING else. its so. its So.

i know the whole thing with nether blocks being used is mostly because of how well the colors all work and the lava but MAN does it make me think. especially considering my favorite nether worldbuilding has to do with the nether itself being one massive sentient being netherrack flesh walls etc etc idk !!!!! makes me Think. love it so bad

they built it all so nicely starts crying. “i wonder if we have enough seats for everyone” i know they literally murder bitches but STARTS CRYING

egg please dont speak backwards when i dont have access to what youre really saying Thank You

bads frustration the way he cows with whatever its saying “I know! i know. you dont have to say it anymore” WHAT IS IT SAYING IM SOOOO. im so.

i still swear the shroomlights around it make it look like petals unfurling

“eggactly according to plan” i hate it here. god it really is still them. like i know thats mostly cc bbh but im Choosing to interpret it as the characters still being themselves even with the eggs influence. Man.

“theyre gonna have no other choice but to love it!” hmmm.

bad exasperation with skeppy. crying in a different way now

officially pausing my quiet bloodvines playlist in the background to really hear this god help me

“i wanna be next to the egg” NO inflection, completely monotone. everyone was affected differently but for the most part they kept their personalities and emotions- skeppy is just. almost gone. no emotion, no care, nothing but wanting the egg. it makes me SO curious about how the egg works and what it does i swear

“we both know theres nothing wrong with the egg and the eggs great and all” the way bad is literally only here for skeppy i am GOING to cry. i cant even remember what extent is or isnt canon i just know in my mind bad broke free of its influence, is probably far more resistant to it now, and is still there because his best friend loves the egg and he wants his best friend back. god.

still caring for and being worried about skeppy but at this point its so far in and hes starting to get more frustrated/give up hope

“lets go for a walk” literally just wanting to spend time with him GOD. how is there another 20 minutes im gonna Die

skeppy being so far gone and just. not giving a damn. its so jarring but also ive only seen skeppy like this? my 2nd or 3rd stream was BBH and puffy trying to get skeppy back to himself after he’d first been corrupted, the one where they had that little underground house and the big skeppy face in the wall and bad was upset because skeppy wasnt his best friend anymore. but i think i vaguely recall him at least pretending to be a bit more emotional or cheerful, in a cynical sort of way ?? and now its. total carelessness and apathy.

“all of this, all of this is for him, and its so frustrating. i know that egg is not evil and everything and everyone is just misunderstanding it” GENUINELY cant tell if this is genuine or just him convincing himself. like obviously the egg is awful but we never learned its actual intentions. obviously the banquet was mostly death but i really, really have to wonder. there are SO many things

“i dont like how much time he spends by it now, he literally just hangs out by it” implying the slow build of him hanging around the egg itself more and more and how its making him worse. obviously being physically close to the egg is REALLY bad and corrupts you much faster but i have to wonder if part of it is also skeppy becoming more corrupt the more the others serve the egg ??? idk idk idk thats NOT a full thought

SKEPPY ABLE TO REPAIR IT i did not know that. holy shit

the skeppy “do you wanna take a picture? i mean you keep looking at me” its cruel but god. he’s really still in there too its not full apathy hes not fully gone just wildly fucking corrupt. GOD.

bad sounds So Sad he cares so much more about skeppy than the egg holy shit. step aside c!clingyduo

skeppy being VERY aware of the egg and area and what has and hasnt been touched.... so in tune with it.... i love it here

NOT THE OLD STATUES BAD PLEASE. “yeah. i look good.” SKEPPY.......... ohhhh my god and bad saying it looked better before. fuck. Fuck.

i have a weird thought/hc about the egg running off of wishes or willpower of those corrupt or something and skeppy wanting his friends to be safe and abandon him so the egg can die vs bad just wanting skeppy and it working horribly. skeppy being more and more cold and corrupt as hes trying to drive bad to abandon him, bad pushing closer JUST wanting his friend, both fueling the egg up until bad finally gives up, decides its not worth it, and inadvertently frees them both. and it REALLY doesnt have much ground in canon but this is fueling it just a little bit. skeppy REALLY doesnt want bad talking to him.

bad not giving a damn or even flinching or moving anytime he gets burned

BAD SHIFTING AND BEING SO EXCITED WHEN SKEPPY MIGHT TAKE THE WALK EVEN THOUGH ITS JUST TO GET LEFT ALONE. NAURRRRRRRRR. JUMPING UP AND DOWN AS SKEPPY ACTUALLY MOVES. FUCK.

bad literally praising the egg vs telling it to shush when he just wants to be around skeppy GODDDDD

okay skeppy interrupting the egg made me assume he couldnt hear it but that solidifies it i think. he couldve been doing the threatening “who are you talkign to” as in who are you daring to shut up but i genuinely think he cant hear it, it doesnt seem like he was being more threatening until he realized bad WAS talking about the egg

skeppy also not giving a damn about the burning in spite of having No armor and definitely taking damage, “i like how it feels” ohhhh my god. bads tired, quiet “of course you do” FUCK ME

skeppy getting all dramatic about the dance and bad shutting him down LMAO

bad REALLY trying to get skeppy to spend less time around the egg, “do you think thats like, good for you?” its all for skeppy everything is for skeppy fr.

TELLING THE EGG TO SHUT UP AGAIN.

“okay done come back” no hesitation, bad still arguing every time because hes still fighting for him in any way he can

“It’s not about power, it’s not about control, I’m your FRIEND Skeppy” “I mean, you can think that” holy SHIT. cant tel if skeppys voice sounded more apathetic or more sad. it almost sounded sad but i might be imagining things

“What, that egg, that egg is gonna be your FRIEND?” GODDDDDDDDDD

“The egg is more than life itself, dont you understand? dont you feel it? no, you wouldnt understand” eyes WIDE open

“youd rather hang out on this egg than on me??” giggling thank you bbh for the slip up i once again feel better now

“Skeppy, tell me im your friend right now” the way theyre arguing i have NO clue whats in skeppys head right now but bad being so furious and fed up and desperate, EVERYTHING hes done with this egg has been for skeppy, every bit of it for their friendship, and now skeppy is saying every bit of that effort and everything hes done has been for nothing because they arent even friends.

the talk of sacrifice ohhhhh my god. oh my god. oh my God. this whole conversation is so. holy shit.

“i just dont want you next to THAT” the way hes willing to spend so much time with/around the egg but even now doesnt want skeppy near it. fuck.

THE SELFISH TALK... STEP ASIDE C!CLINGYDUO

the way selfish prob hits so hard because in his mind he PROBABLY hates this is hurting so many people making so many sacrifices ALL for skeppy and their friendship, not at all for him, ohhhh my god. theyre both right and theyre both a little wrong and i hate it im soooo

“IT’S JUST A STUPID EGG SKEPPY” he literally does not like the egg he literally hates the egg he doesnt care for it every single thing has been for skeppy hes not FULLY under his influence he does it for skeppy. THE FUCKING HORROR IN HIS VOICE AS HE GASPED AND SKEPPY DIED IM SO. IM SO. IM SO.

the “what happened, what did i do” the way THAT in itself was so influenced by the egg, maybe consciously maybe not but definitely by the MONTHS of serving bad did all for skeppy im so. im so. im sooooo.

i cannot for the LIFE of me tell what is going on in that ending

“please actually answer me. bad?” holy shit.hjoly shit. holy shit.,

#vodblogging #alyalyoxenfree

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dnfshield · 3 years ago

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okay im posting my first and most important syndicate!dream propaganda !! if people are interested ill def post the rest

and because I'm delusional all of this hinges on that I want dream to actually be upset and brocken 💔🥀 and desperately needing help and not wanting to let anyone help him because connections bad blah blah but I know cc dream doesn't have the range and is also a coward so I have to do everything for him

its under a read more bc its 1.4k words lmao

I think it takes dream a while to process being out of prison even though he should be taking advantage of his new freedom and new space. he spends a lot of time in his room just laying in his blankets or curled up under his bed or memorizing all the shelves of stuff techno left in the spare room. And philza and techno silently agree to make sure dream is getting socialization - knowing that he desperately needs the connection but is unsure how to go back to being ALLOWED to be around others. So they take turns going to his room at night and just finding literally anything to do in his presence. Phil likes to read the old books techno left in there. And when he sees dream peeking over he'll mutter something about how ""reading it out helps me think"" and will quietly read allowed to dream. Or he'll go sit at the desk with a creaky chair and write letters to the woman he loves, gushing over memories and sharing snippets of stories to dream. Phil sits there with a dopey smile and blushy cheeks and dream sits there letting his words sink in - knowing too late that he should never have convinced himself that pushing everyone he loved would somehow save him.

Technos more pacey- he likes to go in there and ""reorganize"" the miscellaneous objects he left in what was supposed to be a storage space turned bedroom. Sometimes it's stacks of pages ripped from old journals sometimes it's failed blueprints and plans sometimes it's old potion bottles that definitely got left a little too long and should NOT be opened - but whatever it is techno will grab it and ramble on about what he was thinking what he was planning why it didn't work and scramble to find an excuse as to why he's chosen to hoard whatever the object is rather than throw it away like a normal person. But dream just sits there and listens and asks questions or asks to hold whatever it is - honestly whatever he can do to keep techno from going to bed and leaving him in his room alone.

Lol okay the actual real important one that started all this is that dream eventually starts outwardly showing signs of distress when alone. At first he reeled when others would try to be around him. He still dealt with the conditioning of never being allowed to have regular visitors and being told everyone he ever knew wanted him dead. But once he realized Phil and techno were not only safe to be around but were happy to be around him he couldn't get enough of them. Dream lingers in the kitchen while philza cooks them all breakfast. He follows techno around while he haphazardly goes through chests looking for a specific enchanting book. He cracks his window so he can hear techno and philza laughing together while they sharpen their weapons on the porch :*) . And on especially bad days where something reminds him of the scorching lava flow or he gets turned around in a space too suffocatingly small he waits up because he knows philza or techno will come and wait with him at night.

And it's the evening that sam knocks on their door that sends dream into overdrive. The second techno opens the door and philzas eyes fall on Sam's armour Phil places a gentle hand on dreams back and ushers him to his room. Techno stands with his frame in the door physically keeping a barrier in-between sam and their home and eventually gets Sam to begrudgingly leave. But when philza goes to check on dream before bed it's obvious dream sat there listening to techno and Sam yell and threaten each other over his life. So Phil skips whatever ploy to keep dream company that he had planned and just sits on his bed with him. He doesn't even say anything besides the classic "it's alright please don't be scared" and "he's not taking you away from here" and "you're safe here, with us, you're safe with me and techno" and blah blah and with every passing whisper dream just drifts closer and lets philza be there with him and philza let's dream lean against him because he knows how badly dream needs the comfort and he's more than happy to be there for him ( -sobs- can philza become a better dad in canon we could've have had it all ) . God okay and finally the important part all of this had been leading up to

And after sitting there and letting dream lean on his shoulder and dodging dreams pleas to tell him how techno got sam off their property dream eventually quiets down. Every time dream stirs to break the silence philza squeezes his arm and let's him settle closer. Dream can barely keep his eyes open but when Phil tries to say goodnight and shift to stand up dreams eyes shoot open and asks if Phil's actually going to leave for the night because a million things are running through his mind. What if Sam only left to not cause a scene and plans to return after the others go to bed and take him with no one there to protect him. What if Sam only left to tell everyone where he is and return with a mob filled with the people dream himself made hate him. What if techno made a deal with sam - to return with diamonds or precious items in exchange to step aside and let dream he hauled away. But Phil only smiles softly and tells him that he's just gonna move to a new spot and dream just sits there and watches Phil settle at the headboard. Dreams eyes follow Phil's hand as he pats his stomach to becken dream to come lay down. Like okay guys please hear me out so dream settles with his head on philzas stomach kinda surrounded by Phil's legs like a little nest :-( while Phil just tells dream to relax and get some sleep. Phil's hand is a weight on his back and dreams just kinda melts. And as dream finally let's himself wind down he thanks Phil for being there with him. philza takes in a breath and whispers "of course" and after a silent beat as if saying it out loud would bring him back in time he tells dream "me and wilbur used to do this when he was younger"

And dream just tells him that he's sorry and that if he "could go back and change it he'd give anything, sorry for letting it go so far with wilbur" and philza tells him that he "knows wilbur is sorry too" and he knows how mentally unwell wilbur got and that he "wished he'd checked up after the letters stopped sooner" and dream doesn't want philzas to blame himself there's nothing he could have done to stop what wilbur and dream had started between each other but there's nothing dream could say to make philza understand that. So he just tangles a fist in philzas shirt and hopes a "none of this is your fault" in an exasperated voice will convey that enough. He gives philzas one more thank you for being here and with philzas hand tracing little movements on his back dream finally feels safe enough to drift off. Lol lol lol ooooooo okay

:*) Loool what if techno used to have a weekly routine of weapon care like just keeping them clean and sharpened and polished. but after he rescues dream from his isolation and torment from quackity, technos sitting in the living room and goes to grab his axe and dream starts panicking and immediately goes to apologizing and begging techno to tell him what he did wrong and promises he'll try better next time (even tho he didn't do anything :-( ) and techno does his best to assure him he didn't do anything, that he's doing perfectly fine and even if something came up his first instinct would not in fact be to pull an axe out on him and techno puts his stuff away and they just sit together :-( after philza gets home he and techno talk and agree it would be best they keep the weapons out of site unless it's absolutely necessary.

theyre sitting like this L

#syndicate!dream #dsmp #dream smp #dreamwastaken #philza #technoblade #okay that should be it in case ppl have those blocked #my posts #literally all i crave is hurt/comfort lol #feel free to add on i love attention

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backseatsiren · 4 years ago

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A Dramatic Day

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here! There are a couple of reasons: first, my life has reached brave new heights of busy - I was promoted to Editor in Chief at work a bit over a year ago, and my responsibilities there obviously take a lot of time. I’m also teaching more courses than usual at Berklee (right now, one section of Film and TV and two of Game Design Principles), and, as usual, I’m training grappling on top of it all. Plus, naturally, the ambulance. I’m hitting my tour hours, and proud to do it, and as pumped as ever to be an EMT in this neighborhood.

I’m also... very, very, VERY slowly *actually writing a book* about all of this. I’ve begun interviewing a few fellow EMTs, mainly volunteers, about what it is we do. Because of how insane my schedule is, it’ll be a very long term project, and I can’t put any pressure to finish soon. But, especially through the pandemic, I’ve felt a desire to document and interview and report on the idea of volunteer emergency medical services in New York City, here in Brooklyn and Queens, and I think other folks might be interested in reading a bit about it.

But I’d like to get back into the practice of writing about calls and concepts and experiences. As always, I’ll respect patients and patient privacy, and will never reveal identifying information or anything inappropriate.

Today was a fairly busy day, but it started with a bit of a dramatic call. We were called to an unknown, and flagged down by a bystander. A man called us over and told us that he saw a man lying on the train tracks (a less-used track, not the subway or commuter rail or anything). He said he regularly feeds a colony of feral cats there, and noticed the gentleman lying down the way.

We thanked him and high tailed it over, yelling out to him (the usual “sir are you ok?”). My more experienced (many, many years in EMS, including at a much higher level of certification) partner took a look at him and said “he might be dead” and began looking forward a pulse. He went for more help (another ambulance was arriving and they needed to be directed over, the physical layout of the space was weird), and he instructed me to look for a pulse. I did, and found nothing. My other partner (a newer EMT, just cleared for CC status, who I also love working with), said “he’s cold to the touch.”

It was raining lightly. The tracks were a little slick, and there was some litter. It’s early may, and the grass had that beautiful sheen on it, that it gets in the rain. Weird things, visual and sense memory things, are coming back as I write about it.

He was lying down on his face on the tracks. I checked for a carotid pulse again and felt nothing. I checked his hands - they were closed and held tight. Rigor Mortis. I checked his arms, his coat, his clothing, careful not to mess with anything, but looking for lividity. He was bleeding from his face, and, on inspection, his face was very clearly badly injured, bruised, and bloated. I was wearing an N95, but even so, you could smell that he was deceased.

I told my more experienced partner that when he arrived with the other crew. We inspected the scene - noting a shovel and some other tools. There was a little encampment nearby - possibly where this man lived. Beer and food in a little shelter.

It certainly looked like foul play was possible. I learned a few minutes later (on my next call) that the cops did start an investigation there.

As one of the other EMTs from the other crew noted, it was “like a movie scene.” Something about the rain and the light, the way the blood pooled, the way the ants crawled around in it... was surreal. It may have been my less experienced partner’s first DOA when they were first on the scene (it wasn’t mine, but it was certainly the first *outdoor* DOA where I’ve been first and had to help establish that). It was my first suspected murder scene.

And yes, it was deeply sad. There’s some initial adrenaline, for me, in every call. There would be more on my other calls today. There is a voice in my head that repeats a lot of the basic instructions and goes through scenarios: “ABCs” (a note to always prioritize airway, breathing, and circulation). I think about what happened in any given situation and what I should do for my patient. I look for threats to everyone’s safety. And when I can breathe and get a clearer picture of what’s going on, that’s when I can start to process things a bit.

We covered him with a clean sheet from the ambulance and did all the things we needed to do. We talked about it a little, after the call. But I always need to think about things for a few hours after, which is what I’m doing here, by writing about it a bit.

I’m a deeply, empathetic person. I feel for my patients. The call I’m about to talk about - the very next call - required that of me in a different way. But in this scenario, I want to first do everything right for the person and situation, and next, be as respectful as humanly possible. This poor man died - was very probably killed - and was left outside in the rain. I don’t know much about his life, and very little about his death. The whole scenario is very sad, and very surreal.

Every time I’ve had a dead patient, it’s stuck with me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget my first, a woman who very probably died of a heart attack or in her sleep, and her son found her. He was mourning. He was on top of the body, hugging her, crying “I’m sorry, mommy,” and there’s... I guess there’s nothing on earth like that. Nothing like that kind of pain. People, as a rule, do not expect to see their loved ones deceased, and when we do, we usually have a ceremony for it.

I’m just a bystander to that. I can do nothing to help the deceased person, and very little for a mourning loved one, besides being a respectful, empathetic human presence. For my deceased patient today, all we could do was establish that he was dead and do the proper things to ensure his remains would be taken care of (and his death investigated).

My next call was very different, but it was heavy in a different way. We got a call for, basically, a suicidal young woman. We arrived, with PD, to her door. The officers assessed things to an extent, but she revealed that she had been traumatized by police in the recent past, and didn’t want any police in her home. I talked with her calmly, and was able to relieve the cops and take this one, with my partner.

We listened to her. She had obviously been through some extreme trauma and needed mental health resources. I won’t reveal any details here, but I had to keep assuring her that I had no handcuffs and wasn’t interested in taking her against her will. She was terrified of being taken somewhere she didn’t want to go, and I basically sat calmly with her and talked to her about her options. Just talking. Just listening.

This is a case, like a patient a couple of years ago, where I’m very happy to take my time. I’m a volunteer, man. I’m not grinding through a shift for miserable pay, as most EMTs are - I’m here because I frankly want to be useful in this manner.

And I’m happy to sit with a person going through emotional hell, because this is what I can help with. I’m five years into being an EMT with RVAC. I do this 2-3 shifts per month, so I’ll never be the fastest, best, EMT in NYC. But I can be the most patient EMT, and I can give plenty of extra time to a person.

I’m not a therapist, and I don’t pretend to be. That’s what I told her - first, that I’m not a cop, I don’t have cuffs, I have no interest in taking her if she’s of sound mind and doesn’t want to go. Then, second, that I’m no doctor, and no therapist, and that I want her to have resources if she needs them.

We talked more, and did more vitals, and she decided she wanted to come to a mental health facility. We explained every step of the process to her, and what she could expect, and what to bring.

Do I wish I was an actual therapist who could help this girl right away? Yeah. Do I wish I had the ability to make mental health policy that provides good, effective, supportive therapy to all human beings who need it? Yeah. Do I wish I could do better for her than an ER with psych specialists? Where she could easily get lost in the cracks or simply never connect with what she truly needs? Yeah.

I can only take her to a place where people are at least trained to assess her and offer her further resources. I can only hope they actually can help, and do so.

I had another call where we did a bit of *psychological first aid* not long after that. A dramatic scene! A young woman fainted at work at a store, and several people were surrounding her and holding her at the scene! Folks were holding her hands and crying.

It looked wild at first glance, but our patient was completely ok - we got her out, had medics assess her completely, and brought her to the ER while assuring her parents that things looked ok. Her mother was extremely upset, and we had a bit of a language barrier, but we were able to assure her and let her know things looked ok, that her child had very promising vitals and EKG readings, and we just needed the ER visit to make sure.

The medics helping us out were INCREDIBLE. They offered a full walkthrough for us of what was going on physiologically with her and gave a very helpful tip on scenes like that - give bystanders little jobs (just simple stuff, like holding the door, or looking for something like a towel) to do! It helps (caring, kind, just want to help) folks feel helpful when they get scared, especially in dramatic-looking situations.

A lot of drama today. A lot of learning. I felt really good about taking charge with my psych patient and helping her to feel safe and able to make her own decision. Im glad we were able to help our young fainting patient. And as much as it’s heavy, I’m glad I was at least on scene today for our first call. I know I can do nothing but confirm obvious death, but, I take some heart in the kind bystander who called for him (the gentleman who feeds cats nearby).

At least someone cared enough to try.

I’m forever grateful for my partners, for the folks who have taken the time to teach me (back when I was VERY green and still, to this day, as I am learning every single shift), and for the patients who trust me to do my best for them.

I noticed today, this month marks five years of doing this, with my volunteer corps. I can only hope I learn more and become a more effective EMT as I go.

#volunteer ems #ems #nyc

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spacedustmantis · 4 years ago

Text

Ramblings of a Lunatic by Bears in Trees x dsmp!Ranboo

first off, listen to this song, it’s beautiful

anyway, so, like this song, right

Verse 1:

I’m setting pen to paper again - the memory books

Lost my sense of home from the words that i’ve said - him loosing friends and a whole nation after being outed as a traitor by dream through his own words that he’s written in the book,, also him being worried about loosing people again, being afraid of himself being the reason

But the thoughts have begun to ferment in my head And content manifest don’t feel good enough for them - memory problems, but also feeling as though he can’t trust himself anymore, the feeling of going crazy, loosing control, panic

So I Try and transcend my ego - trying to trust himself, to gain confidence, to be more social, or at least act like it (he will put on a show in front of Tubbo, Phil, Techno, Tommy)

But don’t we know It will never work - Ranboo ultimately being convinced that he isn’t strong enough, that he’s a bad person etc.

Maybe I’ll just descend to dirt Flirt with becoming food for worms - he feels useless, undeserving of what he has, wants to hide from everyone just wasting away forever alone

Chorus:

Would anyone listen to this - Ranboo feels alone, as though noone could understand him, and noone would even try

The ramblings of a lunatic - he’s convinced that he would seem crazy to everyone else if he told them about everything

My mind does play an awful trick - (lol do I even need to explain this one?) memory loss, hearing Dreams voice, enderwalking

I'm running from my emptiness My brain is tired, my stomach sick - sadboo (as in severely mentally ill)

Verse 2:

Why has constructing sentences become like pulling teeth - Ranboo is physically unable to talk about his experiences with others (has been confirmed in the last stream)

Wiping dental records clean Is the carcass even me? Is This catharsis Therapeutic plunge to darkness Or elaborating upon my mediocrity - tbh i have no fuckin clue what this is supposed to mean i the first place (I’m tired)

Maybe this is a result Of me finally accepting That I'll be alone forever That I deserve forgetting - do i even need to elaborate further? the forgetting part fits so unbelievably perfect, it could legitimately be a thing c!ranboo said

It's a pointless endeavour And maybe it's upsetting But I've never felt more comfortable In the concept of things ending - not necessarily were c!Ranboo is atm, but I can see him giving up hope, as we have seen that side of him before (after being outed by c!Dream), giving up, giving in, putting an end to the struggle to keep fighting; but also, on the other hand, ending conflict, ending pain, putting in work to defeat Dream (what he is planing to do rn)

Verse 3:

Maybe this writer's block that I've been perceiving Is to stop me diving deeply into my internal being - don’t know what the writers block would be, but Ranboo is afraid of himself and he has been afraid of finding out more about himself, only now being able to take the step and confront himself

And falling into darkness below my surface tension - the possibility of him diving too deep and never waking up from the enderwalk is a possibility that I personally have entertained and I bet it’s crossed c!Ranboos mind before, seeing how he has been “experimenting” for a while

Emotional suppression my coping mechanism - cc!Ranboo has talked about how the enderwalk is triggered by intense emotions such as fear. I recently saw a post that talked about how c!Ranboo has to suppress emotion constantly in order to not start enderwalking. also c!Ranboo probably would repress his emotions anyway (someone drag him to therapy, please)

’Cause all my friends are dying , some faster than the others Lungs filling up with fluid, place face under the covers - c!Ranboos biggest fear, people near to him getting hurt or dying, also Phil and Tubbo are both on their last life, and Tommy did actually die

I’m trying to distract myself from the fears that I’ve discovered - lots of fears going on in that head, panic room and such, but also again repressing emotions, ignoring his mental health as he’s been doing since the beginning

^^^ this is all of the lyrics of the song and (almost) all of them fit so well into the narrative, god i love this

#my brain made the connection and i couldn’t rest ever since #does this make any sense at all?#i’d kill to see an animatic of ranboo to this song btw #i’d do it myself but i’m horrible at art so i don’t think i will #it actually kinda freaks me out that this fits so well #anyway this was fun #dream smp #c!ranboo #ranboo #bears in trees

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selfcareparker · 4 years ago

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LMAOO I WAS GONNA BRING UP FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLIDER BUT I WASNT SURE IF YOU WERE WATCHING IT HSKAJ (are you liking it? i know it’s only the first episode but ya know, another one tomorrow night- well tomorrow night for me, and did you like wandavision?? i loved it!!)

oh my goodness i’m watching lion king while writing this and i haven’t seen it in a while and i am..... emotional. but anyway, i love that streaming services think that imma pay for them while they charge $50 a month. like yes of course i have that kind of money and i am going to give it to you to watch tv 🙄 that $50 is budgeted to sims thank you. (ALSO SIMS!!! i’ll get to that in a minute) now see if i don’t google levidia right this minute LMAOO, not that i’m gonna use it.. just for the research...

AND HDKSHS SEND THAT CHAOS WALKING LINK LMAO i saw it for the third time with a different one of my friends and she wasn’t the best one to see it with? she literally was on her fucking phone and i was like ok whatever her loss not mine, and idk if you’ve read the books or if you’ve seen it by now, but by the end of the whole movie, after they’ve confirmed THE THING throughout the whole movie she asked the dumbest question and i’m like diD YOU NOT WATCH THE MOVIE, and i guess she didn’t. so. this sounds so vague but i don’t wanna spoil the movie for you just in case lol.

THE STORY LMAOO, so A DIFFERENT FRIEND LOL, like my oldest bff, we had a day together and we wanted to go see chaos walking. and i honest to God thought that no one would be seeing this movie. like NO ONE. every day, i checked the theater seating and no one was there right? plus i really wanted us to have the theater to ourselves. so we sit in the wrong seats, the row in front of us, STILL THINKING WE’RE ALONE. and then these 3 older people came in AND IM ABOUT TO SCREAM FHSJSH AND IM LIKE “are we in your seats?” and they we were like uh yeah, AND IT WAS SO BAD LMAOO , we’re moving and everything would’ve been FINE but my friend’s reclined seat was going down so slow and as it’s going shes LITERALLY SAYING ALOUD “awkward awkward awkward” so she thinks forget it, lemme just get up. HER BAG GETS CAUGHT ON HER CHAIR AND HER FRIES AND THEY SPILL ALONG WITH HER HONEY MUSTARD 😭😭 ALL OVER THE FLOOR! so i’m trying not to laugh lmao but those aren’t even our seats and we just made a mess, so naturally, i get on the floor and start cleaning it up with my napkins (this is going for too long) AND MY FRIEND IS STILL SAYING “awkward awkward awkward awkward” and i’m really abt to crack up bECAUSE LIKE SHUT UP HAHAHA and we’re cleaning it and shit and the oldest lady is gonna say “yeah you’re not gonna make an old lady get on the floor, are you?” AND I WANTED TO LAUGH AND SCREAM AT THE SAME TIME BC DID WE ASK YOU TO, NO, so then i had to get the manager and she helped us clean it, we got new fries and everything was fine, it’s just a crazy story bc LITERALLY WE COULDVE AVOIDED IT AND EVERYTHING BUT THESE ELDERLY PEOPLE HAD TO COME AND SEE THIS MOVIE😭😭 at least the gentlemen was nice.. he helped us clean. but then his wife was like “i aM nOt siTTiNg tHeRe” and at first i thought she was a teenager bc of her stink attitude but her husband was nice. and it’s not like we weren’t cleaning it up, we were!!! like i was so apologetic- anyway.

about sims! do you play console or pc? wait,, you already told me you play pc bc your computer was broken, i’m glad you can play now though :’)) litetally when i read in the tags that you’re playing sims !!!! and are you hyped for bunk beds? i have cc so i’ve had them for a bit, but they were glitchy... but i’m so excited we have them now! i should really play sims today...

GURL IM SO PROUD OF YOU 🥺🥲 i know you aren’t fluent in everything and you aren’t a linguistic genius LMAO but it’s still soooo amazing :’) here i am reading the captions while ur just going hahah, yea i tried duolingo but.... i didn’t stick to it HDJSH talking to you though makes me so interested because you know all these languages, not even studying them like that, but you have this foundation and ahh it’s just super cool. LOL YOU DONT SOUND LAME HAJA IM TELLING YOU ITS SO SO COOL, i’m loving this lesson btw oh my goodness- HSKAJS YOU THOUGHT I WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT??? HDYSJHS MY ONLY ENGLISH SPEAKING ASS??? HAHAHAHHAH i find that word (Rindfleischetikettie- i’m not gonna write the whole thing i’m sorry) very interesting... like... wow. did you have to google that or did you just know lmao

OKAH THE WATER THING HDKDJDKS UR GONNA TERRIFY ME HAHAH OH MY LORD- first of all CROATIA 😍😍 but thinking about it like that, I WOULD FREAK OUT TOO HAHSGSG i never go that deep into the water, or if i do i have my dad with me lol and i kind of hold onto him bc ive seen/heard too many things about people being dragged into the sea. but i loveee the water (i wanted to be a mermaid soooo bad ohmigosh)

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW ONE CANNOT LIKE MUSIC ITS AWFUL !! lmao yeah i haven’t even listened to harry’s his first album, everyone says they love it more. I WAS GONNA SAY IMMA LISTEN TO ONLY ANGEL BUT THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE IT HUHAHAH also i have never listened to anything by mgk (i actually had to google who he was IM SORRY😔) i’m tempted to listen tho lol PLEASE JUSTIN BIEBER- I PROMISE IM NOT LAUGHING AT U IVE JUSY NEVER HAD SOMEONE SAY THAT B4!! like i don’t know many people who’ve liked him bUT NOW IM GONNA LISTEN & the cardboard cutout- okay. 😭😭😭

oh my goodness to see the vamps live 🤧 TO SEE ANYONE LIVE PLEASE JJDGSHAHGD and little mix is so good oh my goodness- i actually haven’t been to that many concerts.. i was at my first one, elsie fest (it’s like a broadway thing really) in uhhh october of 2019, yea i took my mom for her birthday bc she loves darren criss and i’m obsessed with glee lmao OH MY GOODNESS YOUVE BEEN TO SO MANY!!! and those are such great artists 😩😩

LMAO UR FINE, hamilton is a musical that lin manuel miranda wrote and i think generally made? i’m obsessed, but basically it was on broadway and then recorded and put on disney+ ... idk i guess it counts a film bc it’s like a movie really cuz it was recorded but in what 2018 or 2016? i don’t remembers the date that is on disney+ but it’s strange how i got into it, a lot of my friends were obsessed and i was like uhh why? and while researching it and watching it, trying to figure out why people love it... i fell in love with it LMAO but the music is FANTASTIC and lin is incredible😭 but yes yes yes i loveeeee high school musical!! my dad actually took my cousins to see it on ice or something (i absolutely forget lmao) but i don’t know how people don’t know hsm. it upsets me.

OKAY IM DOWN TO THE BOTTOM HAHAHA (it takes me so long to respond, now i’m on lion king 2 WHICH IS SO GOOD PLEASE FHHSSHHSHSH) i could respond in chunks but i kind of enjoy responding like this? it feels a bit like a letter but if this whole thing is overwhelming i’ll cut it up lol

+ yes that was me about your fic and sleep and everything lol but it was so good😭 i don’t understand how you write peter so well like you have this ability to capture his.. everything? i’m crine. all the time. over your fics. & i cannot describe my happiness for youuuu :’) i’m so happy you’re writing again 🥺🥰 the thing about how you only want to write the long peter fic but you don’t know how to continue... i feel that so so so hard, i don’t think i told you but ughh i was so blah bc of that feeling of having pent up inspiration for only one fucking thing and not being able to write it. it’s so frustrating 😭

not to add more to this but i need to vent a bit? the situation is definitely different bc with your major it obviously requires for you to ya know, know english lol, but uhm bc i’m homeschooled ive been cheating on all my work SHSHDHSJ like i google the answers but i’m still learning! it’s just..... i find it so unnecessary, like going for an audition no one is gonna say to me “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” like tf??? there’s literally no point. i’m gonna be getting into voice lessons again soon and i’m already doing dance, AND i’ll be doing this summer camp program (more hamilton lol) and thinking about school is only making me stress more, like i haven’t been able to rehearse dance at all this week bc of it...... so

hahaha reading your tags, lonely anon would still be accurate HAHAHHAHA // another add: yea i love ur current theme, i’ve gotten used to “seeing you” like this, but anything will look super pretty :)) ALSO HOW IS IT STILL SNOWING THERE, i swear it’s getting warmer and warmer by the day here 😭🤧

these long ass posts, my gosh🥲 lonely lovely anon <3

Omg yes it does feel like a letter sldkdj and then the few days of waiting also make more sense okay i love this ❣️💕❤️💓❤️💞🧡💜💘(wtf)sksjhz

Dear lovely anon,

ALSKSJVKD yes i‘m liking falcon and winter soldier dlkdh i haven‘t watched the second episode yet but i‘ll watch it tomorrow! but i didn‘t watch wandavision........ eidislskks i was going to but idk i wasn‘t that interested in it and watching series is already too much of a commitment (what can i say i‘m a Sagittarius—🤧 (no i’m joking i actually know NOTHING about starsigns)) didjj that i couldn‘t force myself to watch it, ALSO i hate (idk if this is an unpopular opinion) when every episode is like a whole hour. i‘m rewatching an old series today (it‘s german so i won‘t even get into it) and the episodes are 25 mins each and i‘ve already watched 8 episodes today ridlndjdjd,,, and i feel like if the episodes were an hour each i wouldn‘t have gotten past episode 2 today like idk.... even if series had the same length in total, i prefer when the individual episodes are shorter idk why tho tbh (so yeah i already wasn‘t 100% convinced about watching wandavision so i just couldn’t make myself watch a bunch of 1hour episodes�� i‘ve heard that it‘s good tho- but i‘m not much of a series person so. Dldkk (have we talked about this already??? sorry i don‘t remember what i said lol and i couldn‘t find my own post anymore so dkdjsh) (WAIT I JUST CHECKED THE WANDAVISION EPIOSRDES ARENT EVEN THAT LONG??? Okay wait i might watch it now - did you like it? let me know if i should watch it— why did i think they were 60minutes???)

okay another confession i‘ve never watched the lion king????? i mean i watched it when i was a child but i was too young to actually pay attention to any kind of plot i just liked the songs lol sldkdj i‘ve been meaning to watch it for years tho 🦁 (idk it just felt appropriate to put a lion emoji lmoaoo)

OH MY GOD THE CHAIS WALKING/CINEMA STORY AHSJSKKS😭😭😭😭 NOOOOO (very fitting that there was so much chaos when you were watching a film that has chaos in the title loool) and the “awkward awkward awkward“ SAME SKSKSLSKDJ, that‘s literally me 24/7 ahajshshhshshsh. Like i was so skdjdjdkdllsldksnsnsnsb while i read what you sent me djslslsjdjdbdn why are old ladies always so grumpy btw 🥲🥲🥲 at least the man was nice tho! and wait did i read that right... you have fries (which, to me, are called chips dusuusldk) at your cinemas?? (Movie theatres sorry sksjsh) we just have popcorn and nachos and drinks i want chips too when i‘m watching a film what😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺

Also i still haven’t watched it so thanks for not spoiling it!!! (idk when i’ll watch it i’m so bad with films and even worse with series💀💀💀- same with cherry. i literally forgot all about cherry, i was SO hyped when the trailer came out like i’ve never been so excited about a movie... and then it came out... and i still haven‘t watch it like what‘s wrong with me???? Dkdjdjdjdklsl i feel like i‘m not gonna watch it anytime soon tbh, but i wanna watch chaos walking i just have to find the time

Okay and @ your other friend who wasn‘t paying attention like why are you even watching the film then???? but ok (omg this sounds so mean i‘m sure she‘s very nice but in this situation just like❔❔❔)

SIMS ahhh, BUNK BEDS, ahhhh sdljdjdjdkdkdldksj i actually haven‘t played it since the update 🤧🤧 i made both of my sims (enisa (bestselling author already, thank you) and michael (aspiring doctor)) go to university and bro it takes so long 😭😭 and you can‘t do anything else if you want them to do well so literally the last three times i played sims i was just constantly clicking their homework and computerd to write their assignments (i play it in german so idk what its called on the sims) and do their presentations and do them all over again so that they get better or whatever for HOURS, but imma play again soon

also i‘m living my fanfiction life loool, so i made my two sims neighbours (on the same plot tho but i made two small separate houses lol, i still wanted to control both of them at the same time but i made sure they didn‘t interact before i wanted them to skdjdjdk). and first they both experimented and got some experience in the love department you know (all genders, cause i have to live my sexuality even in a pc game slskdjh— wait, i‘ve never lived my sexuality irl like i‘ve done NOTHING nothing with guys nothing with girls (🥲) but maybe that’s why i want to do it even more in the sims) and then they met at uni and realised like hey we‘re neighbours and now they‘re together (but michael accidentally had an alien baby with another woman (who was an alien which i was not aware of) cause i wasn‘t paying attention like i said woohoo not try for baby like michael why is your pull out game so weak tf LSHDDHDJDJSKKDKSKDKS okay but making out and flirting and doing all the fun stuff in the sims turns me on way more than it should PFAHAHHAHSH) so idk why i told you this but I’m creating that neighbour!au in the sims lmaoooo

i did not have to google Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsübertragungsaufgabengesetz (just did it again😌 sisjshhs) but i might have mixed up the words überwachung und übertragung or i might have even forgotten a word skskks but in the end it doesn‘t matter (by linkin park- ok i‘m so sorry it‘s 2 am and i have a headache from having waveformers in my hair all day but i still wanted to reply to this now so sorry if i‘m not making any sense right nowbahahshah)

i wanted to be a mermaid too dldjdksksj like h2O and all those series convinced me i could be one like. i remember i‘d always go in the deep pool and attempt to swim like them in all the series with that wave motion i must have looked so crazy with my goggles as well dkdjsksöksj (i was like twelve but still)

so mgk has two sides one is hip hop/rap which is like ~~~~ idk he has good and bad songs, but his latest album is like punk pop snd I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, so if you like punk pop I’d recommend his album tickets to my downfall (i don‘t blame yoj if you don‘t like it tho like about a year ago i would have HATED that type of music dkdkdkkd)🥴

Okay talking about music, there‘s this german rapper and he is... not a good person. he‘s literally a criminal and extremely sexist but to me he‘s still hot???????? he‘s even cute at times even tho he has tattoos everywhere and is like 6‘5 and is super aggressive but i see him and i‘m like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 my heart beats only for you💘💘💘💘and he released a new song today and i watched the video and i‘m wondering wtf is wrong with me 😃 (he did look particularly cute cause he was high so idk he wasn’t really aggressive in this one) 😭 so i thought i‘d share that LMAO IDK

(not saying tattoos aren‘t cute btw i LOVE tattoos imma get some soon, but you know he looks like someone your grandma would be afraid of (and in his case rightfully so💀)

okay wait i‘m getting so tired it‘s 2 am i think i‘ll have to do the rest tomorrow but i wanted to do it now😭🥺🥺 see you tomorrow

it is now 3:42 am and i couldn‘t sleep so here we go again

girl you can laugh at me for liking justin tho skskks i wanna laugh at myself idk, like i said i really really really liked him a few years go, basically my life was at least 50% justin and then he went on a break for a while and released an album last year which i hated 🥴 but this album is wow. (Still weird to me because it‘s literally the definition of pop and i don‘t ever listen to pop?) and it‘s so weird because i used to know so much about justin and had so many friends who loved him as well and now it‘s like I’m listening to someone new? Don‘t get me wrong i never KNEW justin and i never will and i‘m aware of that shahsh but yeah i used to be soooo used to him and it‘s like reconnecting with an old friend and you realise you don‘t know that friend anymore- like you don‘t know them anymore at all. I mean justin is weird nowadays 😂😂😂 so pls laugh at me tbh dskksjsjsh

awww it‘s so wholesome that you gave your mom tickets to the concert 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i gave my mum tickets for pink like 2 years ago and she loved it so much and i was like 🥰🥰🥰 (i went with her) AND OMG GLEE ok so unfortunately i barely remember glee, but i used to watch it too!!!! And it‘s actually on my list of series i wanna watch (again) so youre making me want to watch it even more (but like i said i‘m bad with series so 😩😩😩 who knows when i‘ll rewatch it)

When all this pandemic shit is over (let‘s be hopeful <3333) then you need to go to as many concerts as possible!!!!! i��ve been to SO MANY and it‘s literally one of the things in my life i‘m the most grateful for, concerts are some of the best experiences i‘ve ever had in my life especially the ones that are in smaller concert halls where you can feeeel the vibe and everyone‘s energy (and that sounds awful thinking about it mid-pandemic 😐) anyway—

Okay omg you‘re absolutely making me want to watch hamilton right now like omg i WANT TO WATCH IT NOW but it‘s 4 am sodndkdldl

what you said about my peter fics🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺like omg i love these emojis they literally just describe how i felt when reading what you said so, yes, 🥰🥺 + thank you :) it really means a lot <3

and no omg i totally get the studying thing. like last year before i graduated .. was that last year? yes wtf omg okaykdjdj, so the last three months before i had my final exams we were just in a lockdown and we didn‘t even have online classes. We had nothing except one teacher who left our group chat (😭) because she was mad at us (?) and one maths teacher who did an online ““lesson““ once a week. he‘d ask: so does anyone have questions. us: . Him: okay, bye then. So. Yeah dndldldj. But we had one online test and it was in german and like i read the book wee were supposed to read? but the questions on the test were all unanswerable (is that a word?) and i had to google everything (got an A tho 🤪 but only because i googled everything so i was so scared that i wouldn‘t be able to get a good result on the final exam because what if i‘d gotten used to just googling everything and i couldn‘t do it by myself anymore? anyway it was all fine in the end but yeah at times i couldn‘t even study because i had so much anxiety about studying and yeah- like this whole annoying cycle. but you said you‘re still studying———- okay wait 👁👄👁 i forgot what i was going to say??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like wtf. Is wrong with me? And i‘m reading what you wrote again and i just don‘t know what i was going to say? Like i get what you‘re saying obviously but i‘m like? Idk 4am brain ayeee, please vent more if you need to and elaborate further because right now i‘m???? Too dumb to respond to this right now wtf. I‘m so sorry lmao ddlkdjdjd what is even going on like i‘m sitting here open mouthed just like ? But btw the fact that you have Voice and dance lessons is like SO FUCKING COOL like oh my god that is sosososos cool wtf, i was thinking that when you first talked about it too

And “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” ODHDKSLDBDJDOFIDKDNDLDK

Yes i know about the weather dkdkdkjd but it‘s getting (a lot) warmer here too and where i live we kind of get a weird type of wind called föhn (which literally means hair dryer but idk if that‘d the reason why it‘s called that, i‘m too tired to think of whether it makes sense rn) and it gives me headachesssssss and the changing weather is also giving me headaches 😭😭😭😭 so this season right now is just headache season and i hate summer so i wish it would just snow again lmao (okay it‘s getting so late that it‘s early already snd i can hear this bird chirping so fucking loud wtf i‘m also getting a headache 🤧🤧🤧) but at least i can do my new theme soon (i hope it‘ll look good🥺 and omg thank you for what you said about my current theme- i always feel like i‘m so bad with aesthetics, i obviously like my theme but i feel like every single person on tumblr has a theme that is prettier than mine so it was very nice to hear you say that you love it👉🏼👈🏼 (i‘m so used to it by now that i actually hate it lmao so it‘s getting yeeted soon and i‘m making megan thee stallion my pfp 🤪 (if the graphics and shit works out skdjdjdj)

#lovely anon #<333 #okay its so late now i dont wanna post it now in case i‘m too tired to notice losds of mistakes #but i also wanna post it now so.#*loads #i‘m posting it #and i absolutely do not mind if you answer like this!!!! but if you ever do feel like it‘s too much or you uust want to respond to one thing #in particular sooner then pls go ahead! <3

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jj-lynn21 · 4 years ago

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Roman & Princess: You and Me and...

Notes: Spreading a little positive about Dialysis in this one. I was on dialysis 10 years before my current kidney transplant that has been working fine 23 years. I am lucky. But I also want to share that Dialysis is not a death sentence like Hollywood movies and tv shows make it out to be, That annoys me so bad. I was patient coordinating while I was on dialysis 3 day a week for four to six hours. The biggest issue I had was my blood pressure would drop real low. I still went out dancing after sometimes. A strict one cup a day/ 1000 ccs fluid restriction had to be followed and low potassium and low protein diet. So basically I ate pasta( LOL) I didn’t diabetes so I think that made it easier for me. I went through high school and two semesters of college while still on dialysis. I don’t think I could have held a full time job since it did make me get tired easier than most but everyone is different. I also told people if you follow your kidney diet you shouldn’t have a problem. And way there is a dash about dialysis in this one so I wanted readers to know I was coming from a place of knowledge. No real warnings. Just lots of blood but you just expect that from a Roman fanfic.

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The door slams shut as Roman tosses his brief across the table. Skin is paler than ever. He feels nauseated at the smallest sips from the blood bag in the refrigerator. As his stomach turns, he throws water on his face and that is when he hears the sounds of his girl lurching and dry heaving upstairs. He rushes up.

Throwing the door open Roman sees the blood splatter on the toilet and floor as she is on her knees crying as she lurches again. “Oh, Hell, Princess.”

“Roman?” She looked up at him. Her eye lids heavy as she started to sway. “I don't feel so good.”

He grabbed her up right before she was passing out. Roman laid her gently on the bed. “Call Dr. Pryce.” He screamed at his phone that he laid on the bedside table. He grabbed her some clean cloths as the phone rang.

“Hello Roman I was just about to call you about your test results.” His lack of really caring was evident in his voice.

“I don’t fucking care about me right now,” Roman snapped. “My girl was puking blood when I came home. She passed out. I am bringing her to the white tower.”

“As you wish Roman,” Dr. Pryce’s voice had no reaction. “She is probably having a different reaction to the same enzyme I found in you. You both need dialysis treatments is my guess. See you when you get here.” He hung up abruptly before Roman could scream at him more.

Roman finished dressing his Princess in under garments and a dark blue t-shirt dress. Then he swooped her, his phone and the car keys up to head to the white tower. He drove erratically. His eyes blurry, head heavy. He veered into the parking area hitting the wall before coming to a stop. He dented the front end of his new red Lexus SUV.

Five men and women came out in white coats. Doctors Pryce and his assistance Dr. Galina followed them.

“Roman you look like Hell,” Dr, Pryce commented nonchalantly. “Come with me. Dr. Galina will help your Princess.” He rolls his eyes thinking how ridiculous it is to give her a royal moniker.

“I’m fucking living in Hell,” Roman picks up his girl. “I’ll bring her inside.”

“Nonsense,” Dr. Galina snapped. “Take the girl to my lab so I can run some tests. If she is the same as Roman, we will give her the same treatment promptly.”

“Don’t you dare hurt her or I will kill you all.” Roman threatened as the orderlies and nurses took her from his arms.

“Noted,” Dr. Galina said glibly. “You can come see her after your treatment.”

Roman followed them until the area split where she was taken one way and he was taken another.

“Sit please.” Dr. Pryce pointed his hand to a chair at the end of the room with a machine near it with tubing running through it. “I explained on the phone you have some foreign enzyme in your blood so we will be cleaning your blood. It may take more than one, four-hour treatment.”

Bright light pierces her eyes as they flutter open. Dr. Galina leans over her with a clipboard in her hand. “Good you’re awake.” She checks the flow of the bag of blood hanging. “You gave Roman quite a scare. I didn’t realize he had such emotions. How do you feel?”

“A little better,” Roman’s girl said. “where? What happened?”

“You have that same enzyme in your system Roman does.” Dr, Galina explained. “It prevented you from seeking nourishment like you should. I am cleaning your blood on this dialysis machine. And giving you blood. You may drink some when you think you can. But don’t worry, your baby will be fine. Would you like to sit up a little?”

“What?” Eyes wide as she looked at how she was attached to the machine.

“Would you like to sit up?” Dr. Galina asked again. “You have about an hour left in this treatment. You can rest more if you like. A female upir in your condition needs her rest. And you need to drink more. Adding more beef or steak tartar might be a good idea also.”

She blinks a few times, “Are you serious? I’m pregnant?”

“Yes,” The Doctor answered her.

“Does Roman know?” His Princess pondered the reactions he might have from being angry to elated.

“No,” Dr. Galina set up the head of her bed. Moved the pill up. “would you like me to go do that dear?” This was not done out of kindness. She was curious of Roman’s reaction also.

“I’ll do it.” Her lips felt dry and she was getting a desire to rip into the Dr. She looked away from the vein pulsing in the Doctor’s neck. “Can I have a drink? Something fresh if you can.”

“I’ll do my best.” Dr. Galina walked out. She told a lab tech, “Go watch over her. But I wouldn’t get to close if I were you.”

The tech walked in the room. He smiled. “How are you doing, Princess.”

“I’m feeling better.” She smiled innocently as she heard the blood rushing through his body. “I could use the pillow behind me scooched up a little.”

The tech walked towards her slowly.

“Is something wrong?” She tilted her head eyes big and bright. Face of an angel to the tech. “Fix my pillow please?”

“Everything is fine, I guess” He fluffed her pillow. “Anything else?”

“Yes.” She grinned before grabbing him down with one arm. Her mouth opens, teeth bite down on his shoulder to drink. He is paralyzed in fear.

In minutes Dr. Galina walks in with a glass full of nutrients. She audibly gasped. “What are you doing?”

Princess drops the lifeless body. “I thought you sent him in so I could have a fresh drink. You didn’t?” Her voice was calm and innocent as she licked at what got on her fingers.

Dr. Galina shakes her head, “I’ll clean you up before Roman comes to see you.’

She gets everything cleaned up. Princess stands still hooked to the dialysis machine. A chair with a blanket was put in the place of the bed. A clean white gown was put on her before she sat down. Other than being slightly tired, she felt much better than when she got there.

Roman walked in as she was getting the 17-gauge needles pulled from the shunt the Doctor had put in her arm for the dialysis treatments. He pulled up a chair to rest beside her. ‘How are you feel, my Princess?”

“Much better.” She looked down biting her bottom lip nervously as Dr. Galina held pressure on the needle marks so they would stop bleeding.

“The dialysis treatment wasn’t painful.” Roman lifted her chin up to look at him. “Just the needle sticks sting for a moment. So, tell me what’s wrong? Are you hungry? Is your stomach still upset?”

“I’m not sure how, I mean I know how but Roman...” She stammered not sure how to tell him the news.

Roman took her hand. “Just tell me what the problem is, and I will fix it, I promise.”

She took a deep breath, “Roman, I’m, we’re, pregnant.”

The look on Roman’s face is a mix of worry and excitement. “Oh, fuck, serious? Of course, your serious. Hell, I am so happy. It is scary as Hell but I’m happy. I’m sorry, Princess. How do you feel about this?

“The same,” Princess beamed.

Dr. Galina stays quiet as she put band aids on the needle marks. Princess threw her arms around Roman as soon as she could. “You are seriously happy about this?”

“Yeah, your tits are going be huge.” Roman grinned. “Not that they are not perfect now.” He puts his hand on her lower tummy. “when? How far along are you?”

“Three months,” The Doctor said. “She is ravenous. You must keep her nourished.”

“That won’t happen again, I promise.” She started crying. “I thought you sent him for me, I swear.”

“It’s okay baby.” Roman held her close. “What happened?”

“She killed Bill.” Dr. Galina explained. “I shouldn’t have sent him in here. But I did warn the idiot.”

“See baby.” Roman comforted his girl. “It wasn’t your fault at all. You had to drink something.” His hand patted her bag lightly. “Do you feel up to shopping? There is so much we need for our kid.”

“I would love to go shopping,” There is a new giddiness in her voice.

“It’s just you, me and baby makes three, Princess.” Roman and her both laughed.

Over the next few months, they go through there treatments side by side until there blood is cleansed completely. She goes through extra testing to check the baby’s progress. Roman cares for her and buys her things to let her know how sexy she still is to him as the baby grows. He brings her home a new gift basket every day.

#Roman godfrey #au Hemlock grove fanfic #roman and princess #bill skarsgard #x reader #dialysis

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ccsthemovie2 · 4 years ago

Note

YUE!!!! yue yue yue

LETS SEE IF I CAN TRANSFER MY DRAFT TO ASK ON MOBILE W/O MESSING UP FORMATTING HORRIFICALLY WOOOOOO

YUEEEEE AN ASK AFTER MY OWN HEART <33 this is, again, super long AND YET NOT THE FULL EXTENT OF MY YUE THOUGHTS, PROBABLY??? this is a fave from a decade back or so this runs DEEP. Why I like them:

yue has just been a lifelong fave tbh. a beautiful and serious anime boy???? AND he’s the moon????? superficials aside, i am always really drawn to characters who struggle with being overly loyal to a sense of authority and deal with figuring out they’re allowed to have individual wants and needs. yue is incredibly ride or die and nearly everyone’s like....maybe don’t die actually!!! and yue says [there was a manga cap here of touya asking yue to take care of himself and yue going >:///.....alright]

it is also really funny how he immediately goes from I WILL KILL YOU to extremely protective i-am-your-angel-dad, both to watch, and to see new friends get into ccs and hear the hype about yue and go oh i cant wait to see your favori-AAAHHH HE PUNCHED TWO TEN YEAR OLDS WHATTT.

Why I don’t:

gotta say it, his clear card hit-fakeout was kinda weird, good thing i have rewritten that scene and can just refer to my personal-writing-folder discord server when need be,

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

JUDGEMEEENNNTTTT AND ALSO THE STUCK IN BIG FORMS EP AAAAHHHHH . episodes ive watched a billion times. when i was a kid i liked judgement bc i was like HES SO COOOL AND MEEEAN YESSS DEFEAT SAKURA WITH HER OWN MAGIC GO GO and now im like HE IS CARRYING OUT A USELESS CEREMONY AND FIGHTING A FIGHT HE CANNOT WIN TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE A CHOICE WHEN SAKURA’S BEEN CHOSEN FROM THE START WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. and to top it ALL off sakura telling him she wants to be his friend and him not taking her offered hand? OUCHH... ;w; big forms ep is HILLARIOUS bc its soooooo AWKWARD. the awkwardness of being at someone else’s house... trying to talk to your host when the ONLY topics you have in common are “i know a few things about your dead crush” and “my other self is YOUR crush”. sakura telling him that her dad insists love can last through reincarnation and eriol specifically being like “give up on clow because he’s dead” later, and he’s spying on this whole ep so he must be rolling around laughing right then. the fact that neither of these couples is healthy whatsoever but everyone’s working with what they have to try and lessen the awkward, and oh no its worse now. kero picking up on the clowtime pattern of “i have to do all the work around here” but honestly its just that it’s kero’s house and yue’s awkwardly hovering and sakura really really doesnt wanna make her intimidating guest do stuff. WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLE BC ITS SUPER AWKWARD. yue then cleaning the entire kitchen while sakura is cleaning off kero. 10/10 episode.

Favorite season/movie:

sakura card arc!

Favorite line:

when he shows up at sakura’s house and and sakura’s like :0 and hes like get used to it.

Favorite outfit:

the one from that pic i have in my about where he has this light blue hair wrap aaahhhh

OTP:

YUEKITOUYAAAAAAAAAAAA. yukito and touya dating happily and then yue a few years later like OH. I ALSO LOVE HIM. yukito being super supportive and happy of it. yue and touya both feeling like “whats an amazing guy like him doing with someone like me...”. yue going in thinking oh i know what love is and touya raising the bar constantly. its good!!

Brotp:

him and yukito!! two people waking up in their situation scared and upset and stuck together, making the most of it as only they can. i think a lot of them both being like “noooo i want YOU to be happy and comfortable” and trying to do little things for the other when each is taking their turn being active. yue making yukito tea and getting him out of bed when he neeeds to wake up but just feels sluggish, yukito buying little moon decorations for the house he thinks yue would like....aaahhh yukito getting glow in the dark star stickers omg...realizing that there’s no one they’d rather share a life with like that. i think yukito’s the sort of person who doesn’t like to appear uncertain and takes his time being sure before communicating, and theres a sense of pride on yue’s part that he’s the only person, often not even touya, who gets to hear yukito put his thoughts together and be that sort of sounding board. yukito “growing up” in a big “often”-empty house i think leads to him talking to the air a lot, and now that’s yue!!

him and sakura, too!! slowly taking her up on her offer of friendship!! there’s an amazing bit soon after judgement where just her asking frantically if he’s okay??? if he’s SURE he’s okay???? after getting hurt protecting her makes him stop and stare....the switch flipped he is her dad now. i want him to feel like he can talk to her, especially about the Before Times, weigh the things he thinks are too heavy for a child against the things he wants to be heard, maybe see her face and be like oh boy i got it wrong sometimes. and also the knowledge that this is a friendship they chose for themselves!! that they were Predicted to mean different things to each other, but it would be something inappropriate and draining and a cruelty to carry out. this is an unpaved road!! if i keep going on and on i will go on all day but HIM AND KERO!!! HIM AND THE CARDS!!!! HIM AND LI, AND TOMOYO, AND oh just let him be surrounded by friends!!!!

Head Canon:

extremely touchy. like the first thing he did when he showed up for judgement was grab sakura’s face and i think thats just how he is. i think nobody in the clowsehold had any awareness of personal space and yue got so steeped in it that he is just like that now. big on affectionate hair ruffles esp with the kids and putting-an-arm-around-people that he’s barely aware of. it makes yukito a little sad to know that he and yue can never really connect like that but if he hugs himself yue will feel it so it works out!!

Unpopular opinion:

(gets up on stage) clowyue!! (half the crowd boos half the crowd cheers) was HORRIBLE (the cheering/booing crowd halves switch confusedly) essentially i really like to think about the wreckage and then healing from the sort of toxic imbalanced ambiguously requited never-labeled faux-relationship feelings-yoyo i imagine it to have been. but that means i need to acknowledge it happened. unfortunately most people who make ship content do so because they like it, and most people who dont make ship content do so because they dislike it. can you believe it?

A wish:

go to therapy please

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen:

DO NOT SEPARATE THEM

5 words to best describe them:

ok he looks very polite

My nickname for them:

moonboy...

#ask #why didnt u just publish ur draft? uhm. because.

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monaisme · 4 years ago

Text

Day 11: hallucinations

Tony paced.

He’d screwed the pooch... hard.

The look on the kid’s face as he’d disappeared into the night after the whole ferry thing? That had been rough.

But this?

Coney Island was the game changer.

How, in the name of all that is holy, did he think that this kid would step back?—Just because Tony Stark told him to? Tony knew his origin story—KNEW that Peter Parker was a boy seeking redemption for another man’s crime.

And so Tony made the decision, one he should’ve made from the start. He’d commit to training him, tutoring him... Tony would unlock the world for him.

Thank goodness the kid was smart!

There were so many directions they could go in!

Maybe they could build another suit together? Then he wondered if Pepper would do up some paperwork and maybe they could give the kid an actual internship?! Yeah! He’d seen that kid’s desk and all those scavenged components from who knew what. If he could make those web shooters out of nothing, Tony imagined what he could do with a fully outfitted lab—Geez- Tony hadn’t done a lab binge with anyone since Bruce had, well... But the idea of watching the kid build something incredible with nothing but his own hands, like Tony kept trying and trying and trying to do.

Tony paused that train of thought for a second.

Nope. There was too much potential for deep shit happening there, and so he stopped it right there.

He definitely had to make a plan.

First, he’d need Happy. Midtown was just far enough that he’d need to collect him after school. He was sure Happy wouldn’t mind. He could get to know the kid, and then no one would have to worry about a replay of that damned beach.

Tony shuddered as he remembered the beach.

But no! That wouldn’t happen again, because the kid would be there on Tuesdays and... Fridays! Yeah, that would work. Maybe? Well, maybe every second Friday so Pepper wouldn’t get upset about his availability for those awful fundraisers and galas. They’d just need to be flexible, right? And then Pepper would be fine.

His brain was on fire with so many thoughts and ideas—“FRIDAY!” He called out. “Jot this stuff down, and when we’re done, Cc it to Pepper and Happy for me, okay?”

“Of course, Boss.” The AI replied.

Tony moved over to the bar cart tucked into the corner of the lab and poured himself a few fingers of whiskey. “Title the list, S.P.A.A.M.” He snorted as he said it and then took a mouthful of his drink. “He’ll get a kick out of it. Yeah. ‘Supply Peter An Awesome Mentor!”

Tony listed off his ideas aloud, detailing items to be created and for purchase; like the new refrigerator he’d need for drink pouches, cheese strings and whatever other nasty stuff teenagers snacked on. This lab was going to be a geek’s paradise.

Tony couldn’t wait.

“Boss,” FRIDAY spoke, unprompted, “If I may, there are some tasks that require mentioning as you plan your list.”

He gulped down the last swallow of his drink and walked back to the cart. “Fire away, Baby Girl!” he called out. “I’m nothing, if not a collaborator!” His hand wrapped around the neck of the bottle.

“Sir, while limited, there are existing studies that show a direct correlation between lab accidents and substance use—which in all case studies, included: alcohol, marijuana, illegally procured and/or incorrectly used prescription medications, cocaine, heroin, metha—“

“Got it! Stop!” He put the bottle down with a clank. “Seriously? You got anything else you wanna throw at me, FRI?”

“Yes, Boss, in a 2018 Global status report commissioned by the WHO, studies showed that excessive consumption of alcohol in the presence of minors—“

“WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! We were doing so well! First, what do you mean by excessive?! And second—where in the ever living hell is this coming from?!”

“Boss, over the course of the last several months, I have observed a greater than average consumption of alcoholic beverages during times when the consumption itself is not considered socially acceptable.”

“But—“

FRIDAY continued over her creator, “This information, along with the concerns voiced by Ms. Potts, Mr. Hogan, and Colonel Rhodes over the course of several conversations, and the addition of a minor child to the lab environment, has led me to surmise that there is a need for adjustments to your S.P.A.A.M. protocol.”

Forgetting about the whiskey for a minute, Tony walked over to his lab table and dropped onto the stool. “What kind of conversations are we talking about, FRI? And why haven’t I heard about them before now?”

“All referenced conversations were done with your wellbeing in mind, Boss. As I have only been programmed to report malicious intent, there was no need to make you aware.” FRIDAY paused. “I believe that Colonel Rhodes’ exclamation of “I could kill him!” was not an actual declaration of intent as neither Ms. Potts or Mr. Hogan reacted in an alarmed fashion, but if I am mistaken and need to adjust any subroutines, please advise.”

Tony was suddenly exhausted. “No, no. You’re fine, FRI. I’m just... huh.”

He sat in silence for a few minutes, thinking.

“They’re worried?”

“They are, Boss.”

“Huh.”

He sat silent for a few minutes more, and then finally, “FRI? What are the suggested task additions for the list?”

“Mr. Stark, removal of all alcohol from the lab would be the first and easiest suggestion.”

Tony didn’t disagree. “And the second?”

“Mr. Stark, it would be advisable that you participate in an alcohol detoxification program while under medical supervision before implementing any aspect of S.P.A.A.M. that includes Mr. Parker in a lab setting.”

“Huh.”

It was barely a beat before Tony jumped up, decision made.

The kid was going to be the best of them, and Tony would do whatever it took to make sure of it.

“FRIDAY, please locate all alcohol in the lab and on the private floors. We’ve apparently got some cleaning to do!”

It took longer than he thought it would but eventually every drop of alcohol had been dumped—with the exception of a bottle of scotch Howard had gifted Tony when he was eighteen years old—ironic, Tony thought, but whatever. He wasn’t too concerned about it though. All he needed to do was let Rhodey know about it and he’d be set.

And then he was done. “All right now, my dear AI, that was enough distraction. Let’s get back to the list.”

“Boss,” FRIDAY interrupted him again, “before we continue, might I suggest that you gather some essentials in the event of a medical emergency?”

“Update the first aid kits! Good call, FRI! Add that to the list!”

“Addition noted, sir, but I was referring to the need to manage symptoms of your imminent alcohol withdrawal if you choose to ignore the medical supervision aspect of the suggestion.”

The “Denial Tony” that Pepper, Rhodey and Happy all knew and despised, emerged in that moment. “It’s gonna be fine, Baby Girl. I’m not that bad. I promise.” And Tony moved to a corner of the lab, intent on organizing it for his future intern.

Of course, Tony chose to disregard the headache, after all, it was just a headache and he’d only gotten in a few hours of actual work. It wasn’t his first, and it most certainly would not be his last—so he worked on.

The hands shaking started soon after that and he realized that he hadn’t really had much to drink since earlier in the day—and if he was getting up, he may as well grab some Tylenol, too.

The nausea kicked in within minutes of the water washing down the painkillers and Tony cursed himself for drinking all of that water too fast and taking the painkillers on an empty stomach.

What an idiot move on his part.

And then he cursed himself more as he lunged for the garbage can to empty the contents of his stomach.

Tony groaned.

“Mr. Stark, would you like me to contact the medical floor and ask for assistance?”

“no,” he grunted out. “m’fine,” and then continued to heave up every single thing he’d ever consumed in the entirety of his whole damned life.

“Mr. Stark, please be advised that in the event you refuse medical intervention during an extended period of compromised health, a subroutine installed by Colonel Rhodes will be initiated. This will allow me to override your directive and contact one of your personal emergency contacts. I am allowed to ask for a preference, but in this case, Happy Hogan is currently on-site. Because you are still conscious and not actively bleeding, you have fifteen minutes to exhibit signs of improvement.”

Tony spit into the garbage can, breathing heavy, then glared at the ceiling. “I keep forgetting the asshole went to MIT. shit.”

Being left with no choice, Tony stood up from the floor where he’d curled around the can. He only staggered a little as he made his way toward his nap couch, then sat. “What happens if I decide to take a nap?” He called out. “Are you still gonna narc on me?”

FRIDAY responded, “I will continue to monitor, Boss, and will make that determination as your vitals dictate.”

“Awesome,” he groaned and swung his legs up onto the couch before settling his head down on the throw pillow. “Let me know how it works out, FRI!”

Tony closed his eyes.

He didn’t know how long it was before he woke from his dose. Something must have been malfunctioning, though, ‘cuz he couldn’t take the unbearable heat anymore. “FRIDAY! You gotta lower the heat,” he called out. “I’s like a sauna in here.” He pulled off the hoodie he’d been sporting all day, hoping he’d cool off.

“Mr. Stark, it is currently 68F with humidity resting steady at 43%. Are you certain you would like me to adjust settings?”

Even in his muddled state, the scientist in Tony knew that those conditions were optimal. Any major fluctuations could mess with the sensitive equipment he used for his suits. “Never mind,” he replied, and decided to try and get back to sleep.

Tony wasn’t sure if it was his heart racing or FRIDAY’s announcement that Happy Hogan had been notified of Tony’s condition per Rhodey’s protocol and was on his way that woke him up this time, but he was up—

And he felt like death.

But it was okay. He was fine.

It was just that his heart hadn’t beat like this since Tennessee but then he and Pepper had gotten back together and everything was fine. He was fine.

He vomited again, this time on the floor.

He felt disgusting.

He was disgusting.

“Of course you are! Look at you!” Of course. Howard was always around to rub it in whenever Tony wasn’t peak Stark.

“Please don’t, Dad. I can’t deal with you right now.” Tony pulled the throw cushion over his face to block him out.

“Of course you’re gonna try to hide! Pure Tony! Always running away from the consequences of your actions. Well, maybe you’ll listen to your mother!”

“Howard, hush. Can’t you see that he’s not feeling well?”

Tony sat right up, “Mom?”

She smiled at him, looking as beautiful as always. “Sweetheart, why aren’t you in bed? I know how much you need your sleep when you’re sick.”

“I’m... I...” Tony couldn’t find the words.

A hand pressed to his forehead.

“Speak up, boy! I—I- just spit it out! For fuck’s sake! Stark men are made of iron! You know this!” Howard looked down at him, “You’re no Stark at all, are you?”

Tony tried to stand, but a hand on his shoulder kept him in place, so he continued, “Dad, I’m trying so hard! There’s a kid—he’s...”

“Of course there’s a kid.” Howard spit out in disgust. “ Perfect. Some bastard floating around out there, demanding power and prestige just because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants.” Howard stepped forward, intimidating. “MIT was supposed to make you into a man, but you and your progeny are nothing.”

Visions of Peter on the ferry while pulling together tonnes of steel overlapped with burning sand and vulture wings. “No! Pete’s... Pete’s a good kid. I’m gonna... I’m...”

“Yeah, Boss, he is a good kid and you’re gonna do great by him. I know it.” Happy finished his thought as he kneeled on the floor in front of him.

Tony blinked back into reality. “Happy?” He looked around the lab, feeling more and more frantic as the minutes passed. “Mom? Mom?! Happy?” He grasped at Happy’s suit jacket. “Where is she?!”

“Hey, hey! Tony, you’re okay!” Happy called him back into the moment. “I’ll go looking for her in a minute, okay?”

“Happy! She was right here and...”

“I know, Tony. It’s okay. Shh-sh-sh-“ Happy cleaned his face with a damp cloth. “We’re gonna get you somewhere safe and then I’ll go look for her for you, alright?”

Tony was confused. She’d been right there—and Howard? But he trusted Happy and so, “Yeah, okay. Safe.”

Happy hauled him to the elevator. Literally. “suppos’d be made o’iron...” he kept mumbling, but then the elevator doors opened, revealing his mother once more.

Tony beamed. “Mom! You’re back!”

And she spoke, “You know, you may be a Stark, but you have Carbonell blood running through your veins, too, Anthony—and trust me, they weren’t made of iron.

“Not iron?”

She smiled at him so lovingly, “No, son. They were made of earth and wind and heat. They lived for muddy fingers and grape stained toes.”

“Fingers and toes?”

“Yes, son, fingers and toes. They were joy and sunshine and laughter... no iron in them at all. Just joy.”

He looked at her, feeling maybe hopeful, “So ‘m a Carbonell.”

A hand touched his cheek.

“Yes, son, you are my joy.”

And Tony began to weep.

Happy increased his speed after gathering up his friend in his arms. “FRIDAY, make sure Cho is ready to receive. I know you tracked his day, too. Make sure she’s got a timeline.”

“All information has been relayed.”

Happy shifted the man as he waited for the elevator to reach the med bay floor. “Tony,” he whispered to him, “You son of a bitch. You gotta tell the people who love you about shit like this so we can take care of you.” The doors opened and Happy rushed down the hall. “You’ll get through this buddy. We’ve got you.”

* * * * * *

It wasn’t the next Tuesday, or even the Tuesday after that. It was the third Tuesday after that fateful day at the beach when Peter finally arrived at the tower for his first official internship day.

Tony was waiting in the front lobby, looking pale and a little thinner than the last time Peter had seen him, but feeling more present than he had in a long time.

“Mr. Stark! Oh, m’gosh! I cannot believe I’ve got an actual internship! When I told Ned that I’d actually be in your labs he almost died! This is gonna be so awesome!” Peter bounded up to him. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“It is going to be incredible, kid! Wait until you see what I’ve done to the lab! And you have to take pictures of the fridge to send to Ted when we get there. Did you have any idea how many different types of drink pouches there are? I know I’m a billionaire, but we’re gonna have to whittle that selection down a little.”

Peter laughed as Tony led him to the private elevator. “Mr. Stark, you have no idea—this is like, on the top of my bucket list, having any sort of anything at Stark Industries! Like, if I died right now, I’d be the happiest person to have ever died—not that I want to die, it’s just...” Peter seemed lost for words. “Just,” Peter made some primal sound that Tony figured spoke volumes more than everything else the boy could manage to articulate. “This was right above going to Italy with May—but don’t tell May that it was above, ‘cuz she’ll try to make me some pasta or something to convince me I was wrong and then I’ll really be dead.”

Tony’s heart warmed and he threw his arm around Peter’s shoulder. “Hey, speaking of Italy! I have recently been reminded that my family has a vineyard there...”

@febuwhump

#febuwhump #febuwhump2021 #fanfiction #alcoholism #detox #redemption

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