#i genuinely do hope she gets her eventual closure by letting go. she does deserve to be okay but not with the cast.

[maxphilippa]

i think that the major misinterpretation that people have with taco is that she didn't get attached to mic because of her sad face in the end wanted to show regret because "she hurted her friend". like. no, she wasn't sad because she regretted what she did. she was sad because she's alone again, but she knows very well at the end that she had it coming. the reason as to why taco was so desperate of wanting mic to tell her that she did gain something is because. she SAW pickle in mic, but of course their situation is very different. "Oh but Taco couldn't have done what she did to Mic to Pickle, Mic was fully aware" but she did do that. Mic herself says it. That is pretty much what II is telling you. Taco isn't a good friend, and is not exactly a good person either. Mic was aware that Taco was/is a bad person, but Mic's nature makes her believe in whoever acknowledges her. Taco made Mic feel like she needed her, just the way she made Pickle feel back in s1.

she didn't really change thanks to mic. her faces of "regret" aren't her actually lamenting all of the stuff she did to microphone, but rather just her realizing that she proved what everyone said about her as a result. i will give it to that she might've tried to change, but not because of mic. she wanted to win the prize so she could prove others wrong on her being a loser and a coward, by being a loser and a coward. if anything, mic made her realize that she hasn't changed. she pretty much just ruined everything for everyone who saw her as a friend, and for herself.

taco's whole arc is constantly just downgraded to questionable takes and listen. i do agree that she is heavily flawed as a character. she is morally gray, but ii doesn't portray her as a good person with good intentions, nor she should be really be treated as if she was. neither she had those good intentions with mic at all, i mean, their "friendship" pretty much started because of taco wanting the prize money, taking a part of microphone's prize if she made mic won, you know, an offer. she would get the prize and mic would get recognition. but everyone seems to forget that probably, the main reason as to why she's doing all of this, is because she does regret how she acted on s1. she doesn't exactly regret doing all of that to microphone, and even if she does, it's for the wrong reasons. (that's because she did the exact same thing to you know, pickle, her once best friend, the only person she truly ever cared about)

people do tend to forget that taco keeps sending letters to pickle, and that's often just used for pickle angst and making it his only character trait, but. it's not that. it's the fact that taco keeps on writing those letters, despite fully knowing that she did hurt pickle because of her actions. taco's biggest flaw is that she can't accept that she has ruined everything and wants so desperately to be back on pickle's life because she ended up caring about him deeply as a person. as a friend. but she was never there at all, either.

taco can't seem to understand that she has hurted people badly. sure, she seemed like a "friend" to microphone, and you can argue whatever you want but a fact is that taco IS smart, and she knew that the only way to possibly keep mic by her side is pretending to want to be better, you know, the same way she pretended to be just a odd fella so pickle and her could remain together and have an advance at the game. she played with both of them. because both pickle and mic believed in her but were just used by her for the game.

however, taco does seem to regret the way everything went during-post s1. you can see how she yearns for another chance and is saddened about not getting it, but that's not only for comedic purposes, but that's because the writing is telling you that she won't get a second chance. at least not here.

what i want people to understand is that, yes, taco is a complex character, however trying to sugarcoat what she did is pretty much missing the point of her writing as a whole. she isn't a good person neither was she a good friend. she hasn't grown because she was never able to let go of something that she thinks that she can fix with some words and a prize. she thinks that she can still fix her friendship with pickle, she thinks that she can clear her name (even if she was the one who tainted it), but she only ended up proving knife right. she proved everyone right. she hasn't changed. a morally gray character is that. they're not exactly fully bad or fully good, but it's taco's actions that speak a lot. words are cheap, and taco's title is "The Liar", and that says a lot, because she kept on lying to microphone and to pickle on both of their games. she won't heal unless she lets go.

and i want to be clear here: i do think that taco can go through redemption. i do think that taco can become a better person, but not in the way people portray her to do so. because it just pretty much goes against what her arc has settled in for us, and the other arcs that were involved in hers as well.

taco's arc is meant to be somewhat a parallel with nickel's in a way. hell, even with knife's arc if anything. she treats knife as a simple bully, but when she saw that he became smarter and way more emotionally aware than what she had expected, she felt attacked by that, because he was stable. he became a better person and he was rubbing that on her, and it made her feelings of anger way worse regarding him, but it is true. knife is pretty much everything that taco wants to be, but here's the thing that made them so different:

knife stayed. taco didn't stay.

knife is accepted by everyone in the hotel because meanwhile he hasn't explicitly said that he had a change of heart, he has shown it through actions and a big difference too is that he was there for pickle, even if they weren't close in s1, and taco is on the woods because deep down she is aware that she can't go back. not if she doesn't have something to offer as an direct apology, but here's the problem. whether or not she got the prize, she still wouldn't get forgiven by anyone due to what she said that day.

again. her problem is not being able to let go and to accept when she has messed up badly. she has been lying to everyone but she has also been lying to herself as a whole. she can't keep on doing this because it's just hurting everyone and herself. keeping grudges and holding onto past friendships that were doomed to fall is just hurting her. she is not on the state to keep on trying, she wasn't at all ever.

taco's arc most likely will have closure on a way that fits her character, and i feel like that would be with her letting go of inanimate insanity as a whole and of what she can't fix anymore. her trying to find herself after years of lying to everyone and to herself. she's not a good person. but she can become one. only if she knows what she did was wrong and that her second chance isn't there, and never will be, and if she recognizes that meanwhile she did that damage, she can still become a better person. just not there.

pickle and mic don't owe her anything, especially pickle. taco does owe them an apology, but they won't accept that. the least she could do is to accept their wishes, understand that she needs to leave them and grow to be a better person. maybe, if she does that, she would actually heal.

she doesn't need anyone to fix her. she needs to fix herself.

[2birds1song]

tears that made lucy gray feel weak and pathetic uncontrollably stung her doe eyes and dripped down her tan cheeks swirled by heart wrenching emotions caused by his cruel treatment through the way he speaks to her. didn't seem anything like the person she remembered, he never talked to her like that before. throat swelling and tightening with bottom lip quivering at the way a new betrayal became arise in the way she studied how ugly he looked finding amusement in causing her pain. betrayal was only coming from his side, the real betrayal was HIM and she'll eventually blurt it once she numbs herself long enough and accept he's never had a heart.

she's gotta talk herself out of this and learn how to be strong, just like she always has. her entire life, since a young girl, was built on fearing through anything, was she really about to let this one person tear her to shreds now? even if he was on the brink of doing it, about to send her in a full break down and down spiral of tears and emotions. so lucy gray swallows her tears and starts with getting rid any hope she had for him.

only reason she made it out of the games, because this was probably his idea all along. she might've had some doubts before, but now refuses to believe he ever had an ounce of genuine care in his heart that's undoubtedly as cold and frozen as his eyes appear.

she will hope and pray every next breath she's granted, he will REAP what he sows. hopes one day someone will put him in a cage. hopes he will suffer a karma that he deserves when she's a strong believer in it, she'll do all the manifesting she can with no doubts in her mind the universe will prove in the end to be on her side. and if he kills her–– her next biggest fear to conquer here–– then there'd be a silver lining it. she'd be free of this cruel world and she'd come back to viciously haunt him. no matter when her time comes, she WILL come back to haunt him. and at least... she had gotten away for some time and got to enjoy a few years of it, that's peace she could make with herself.

that's the closures she forces herself to dwell on, cause if she don't toughen up, she can vividly tell he's going to have a field day with her. sadness begins to simmer into anger he's provoking in her by showing his amusement is making it easier to not waste another tear on. her mind continues to circulate more reasons to find the morbid positives in this twisted tragedy... maybe ESCAPE looks different this time, maybe it won't be on foot anymore. maybe it will just have to be coriolanus ending her life so her spirit could find what freedom really tastes like.

since she now realizes, freedom ain't all that time livin' out in the woods. freedom would be her soul set free & able to finally move on from this life that's no longer worth livin' to her anymore anyway. and if he don't kill her, then her ever ticking mind will find a way to leave this world. he's not the only calculative one. a performer, just like he said.

“I TOLD YOU,” lucy gray SUDDENLY scowled, lunging forward with a thud to clutch the bars when the blond took another step forward, it IS infuriating he's so twisted he can't see his flaws so the anger glowing in chocolate eyes isn't brought on by forced bravery, “trust meant EVERYTHING, it was even more important than love. you're the only one who has been doin' the lying. the real ACT is you, CORIOLANUS SNOW.” spitting his name with the venom of a rattlesnake. ironic how impure he was compared to such a beautiful thing like snow to be named it, unless one wanted to talk about the cons and how ISOLATING snow could be once you got too much of it. 'lot like her. she had enough of it. not just anger he was fueling inside her, but now accepting defeat was slowly allowing her to stop being afraid the more it consumed her.

“i was honest with you the entire time. then, you got some audacity to act offended an' clueless why i decided to take off from you... look at you.” repulsive is what he is. he's a walking talking artificial shell of a being, who walks on pride and sees none of the wrong he does. and what she sees... was her biggest mistake in saving. she should have LET him die. she was no natural born killer, but strangling him to death to make up for it seemed like it'd feel real satisfying right about now. might even let go of these bars and grab for his neck, since he wants to cage her up like an animal ... she should act like one. he's close enough, after all. it'd take a minute for anyone to unlock this cage to pry her hands off him, by that time she could have him gasping for air and maybe succeed.

“but i imagine talkin' to YOU, is like talkin' to that brick wall over there." her eyes flicker to it before back to him, warm deep irises burning through ice covered ones. so she won't waste many more words because it's evident, he will never understand in his delusional mind. could talk n' talk, til she was BLUE in the face and this man would never see his faults. another thing she has came to an acceptance with. “what? ... no roses this time?” the slow smirk that began to curl her lips began to fill her eyes, a jab at him, something SHE could find AMUSING now. the memory of him offering her one the first time they met. in her mind, that was just another one of his phony acts of trying to persuade her to lead her to this moment. and like she was insinuating with her jab–– must be true, since he wasn't offerin' any now. which definitely put all kinds of dry amusement on her face.

It was AMUSING to him to see her like this, back in a cage as equivalent as the day she was reaped and sent to the old Capitol zoo's monkey exhibit. He knew where she was then. Knew that if he had to see her, she'd be stuck in the same place like a wild fawn trapped for an enclosure. Counting the minutes to her demise.

If only they could go back and start over, he'd make her see the charming facade he constructed for eternity. He would not have flaws in her eyes. He would not be a killer masked in a handsome and elegant visage.

He contemplated what she must be thinking. Did she believe that he would string her up in the hanging tree like some trophy?

"I would not have to force my men to hunt you like DOGS if you did not pull that little act," His tone grew more impatient with her the longer she stood staring at him like some frightened doe. He could feel in his bones that she feared him and he was not sure if he should be grateful or displeased. "Always the performer, aren't you?"

The day she left him, he felt something in his heart shift. Perhaps he was heartbroken -- if he even cared for his songbird at all. He knew he craved her by his side, wanted to feel her touch once more, but he did not feel as he did oh so long ago. He would have killed for her. And now, he just may kill HER if she does not cooperate with his intentions.

"I can see the cogs turning in your mind. Does my presence frighten you?" His impatience shifted into amusement, his blue irises glittering with darkened satisfaction as he took another lazy step toward her confinement, "I can tell if you LIE, dear. Do NOT lie to me."

[amariaamaris]

Of changes and Revelations Part 2

Here’s the second part! It took me awhile because well... life. Anyway I hope you enjoy and comments and constructive criticism is always welcome!

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For the past two weeks, Bonnie has been getting to know the group from Wakanda. All of them came to the collective agreement to give her a crash course on, well... everything. Then they would all help her set up to move to Wakanda while allowing her to keep her Grams house for as long as she wants it.

The first thing T’Challa told her about Wakanda and their royalty... don’t bow, they don’t do that in Wakanda. They have very different ways of giving and showing respect. For the most part, if you give respect you will receive respect. Everyone in Wakanda is essential to it’s strength and continued growth. Ayo and Okoye taught her how to tell what rank and clearance one person has and they have started teaching her how to fight. Apparently she made a good impression because they want her as an honorary Dora Milaje. 

James Barnes or rather Bucky has started teaching her self defense and certain spy things. Why she would ever need to know that is beyond her, but Bonnie just goes with it. He’s also been teaching her how to spot someone trailing you and to know friend from foe in a split second. 

Meanwhile, N’Jadaka - or Erik as he insists on her calling him, she chooses to ‘forget’ that just to annoy him (don’t tell him that) - has started teaching her their language and other nuances of their culture that the others may glaze over. She may of may not have had a miniature panic attack when N’Jadaka had her look at the inside of her lower lip... he didn’t stop laughing for a good 15 minutes after.

When she started to cry again, he immediately got serious and once again helped to piece her back together. After every truth bomb he gave her and Bonnie’s shattering... she felt completely raw and much like an empty husk. Everything started making sense; her strange dreams of panthers and a language that she couldn’t seem to find no matter how hard she looked, lost memories, her father seeming to hate her for more that just who and what her mother and grandmother were. Her parents constant arguing and why she was never allowed to truly be by herself and with herself. Of course that changed when her mother left, but by then her memories were deeply buried.

Bonnie allows herself to close her eyes and let out a deep cleansing sigh into her mug of tea as she settles more into the bench swing, underneath a very cozy blanket. Her eyes flicker open to look down at the grimoire she has on her lap. Before she can start reading again, she feels eyes on her. Bonnie allows herself to slowly look up and promptly blinks in surprise at who she sees standing at the steps of the porch. Then she blinks again wondering if she is seeing things in the late evening with the fairy lights lining the porch. Upon seeing that the person is really there... well it takes all of Bonnie’s will to not groan in annoyance.

“What do you want Elijah Mikaelson? Are you here to demand my services? It didn’t go over very well for the oh so powerful hybrid.” Discretely Bonnie reaches to her wrist and lightly touches one of her kimoyo beads to let N’Jadaka know that she had a visitor (since he is in her grams house doing something). When all he does is stare at her in response, Bonnie lets out an aggravated breath. She starts to move to get up and go inside, Elijah quickly moves to step forward. The barrier quickly stops him in his steps.

“Miss Bennett please, I’m not here to upset you and not here to ask you to do something. Please, just stay there... I would like to apologize.” Bonnie just barely stops her jaw from dropping in shock, the only thing that stops her is feeling the kimoyo bead warming up. She quickly brushes over it to let N’Jadaka know that he didn’t need to interfere (yet). Bonnie gives Elijah a slight nod and settles back in her spot.

She watches as he shifts briefly then adjusts his cuffs while quietly clearing his throat.

“I would like to apologize for all of the pain I have caused you. I knew some of your ancestors and I respected every single one of them. I loved and respected Ayana, She was like a second mother to my siblings and myself. I regret that I have ever done any of the things that I did to you. I don’t expect your forgiveness and am not worthy of it. I would like to offer you perhaps some sort of closure. I would have written a letter to you to apologize, but you deserve more than just written word.” Bonnie can feel her buried emotions from all of the shit she was put through for Elena Gilbert come up and quickly started to blink her tears away.

“You’re right,  you don’t deserve my forgiveness, but I do. Elijah, I do forgive you. Out of everyone in my life even my friends and family... especially them. None of them ever apologized to me. As much as I hate to say this... Thank you, thank you for apologizing and actually meaning it. Thank you for doing what you did because your actions may have caused me pain, but it also helped to open my eyes. So, thank you. Although, if you ever and I mean ever try anything like that with me again... I will finish what your mother started.” She let herself watch as the different emotions flickered across Elijah’s face, which finally settled on a small, soft smile. Which evidently made him look extremely genuine and attractive.

“You Miss Bennett are an enigma, you deserve more than anyone has ever given you. I see now where they they get their compassion from. I hope you can live a life worthy of who you are.” A real joy filled smile covers Bonnie’s face and lights it up, causing Elijah’s breath to slightly hitch.

“Elijah, you are a good man. I can see why my ancestors like you. You deserve better too, get yourself out of here. Your siblings eventually have to figure it out for themselves. You are not accountable for their actions. You have the right to live your life for yourself.” Elijah briefly looks down, and lets out a slow shuddering breath, feeling all the history and buried emotions come off his chest and shoulders. He carefully reaches behind him and picks up a bag and carefully sets it down on the first step.

“These are all your ancestors grimoire's that were in our possession. Including Ayana’s, they belong with the Bennett line... we never should have had them with us in the first place. Thank you Miss Bennett, you have shown me more kindness and compassion than I deserve, goodnight.” Bonnie tilts her head, listening to the whispers upon the slight breeze as a soft smile comes upon her face.

“Goodnight, my ancestors say that you have been fully forgiven. They offer you and only you protection from other witches, do not do anything to make them pull that protection. They will not be as forgiving if you do.” It is silent for a bit as they both allow that promise echo in the air backed up by the layered whispers. Then with a slight smile on her face, Bonnie decides to add one more thing, as an olive branch for Elijah from her directly. “Oh, one more thing... Ahnika, my name, it’s Ahnika.”

If the name confused Elijah he didn’t show it and he took the olive branch for what it was. “Ahnika... Goodnight.” As he slowly walks his way down the path to the sidewalk, Elijah hears Bonnie quietly return his farewell. “Goodnight Elijah.”

After waiting for a bit, Bonnie gets up and walks to pick up the bag full of grimoires. Before she could touch the straps, N’Jadaka is there; wrapping an arm around her waist and with his other, picking up the bag with ease. “Kitten, care to tell me who that white suited man was?” Bonnie just barely held back the shiver that wants to make its way through her body. His lips are right at her ear and his front is flush with her back.

Bonnie just continues to stare at the bag in his hands and mutely shakes her head. N’jadaka lets out a huff, as he easily moves both of them back to the bench swing. He carefully sets the bag down next to the swing as he sits himself in her spot and Bonnie on his lap. Of course throughout this time he has had no care for her personal space. Bonnie is positive that he just enjoys watching her reactions.

“Kitten you better start talking, you were the one that brought my attention to an unwanted visitor. If you force me to make you talk, you won’t like how I am.” Bonnie turns on his lap to face him as his arms wrap around her to keep her steady. 

“Don’t worry about him N’Jadaka, I thought that he came here to cause problems. He just came her to apologize for his actions. That’s all” 

“I’m really supposed to believe that? Was he trying to bribe you to forgive him?” Bonnie can’t help but watch in fascination as what James had dubbed the Killmonger look filled his eyes and face. Causing his eyes to darken, his jaw to clench tightly, and tension seemed to cover his entire body. Even as she finds the look fascinating, she knows that if she doesn’t calm him down before he tries to go after Elijah... He would end up dead within the night. So, with careful fingers she starts tracing the raised markings that always peek slightly out of his shirt. Marking him as an experienced killer.

“He didn’t bribe me, I’m ready to move on from this life. I was willing to forgive him because he was honest in his regret, I want to move on from my hate. What goes on in this town with my friends and the others in none of my business nor is it my problem. Those are the grimoires that my ancestors had, they rightfully belong with the Bennett’s. He was just returning them to the correct hands.”

N’Jadaka’s eyes seem to switch and darken in a different way, a way that Bonnie couldn’t read. Though, the shiver that danced down her spine felt particularly pleasurable. Without either of them realizing it, her fingers had danced their way under his shirt following the markings. Feeling the ripple of muscles following her fingers movements caused a small smile to twitch at her lips.

“Kitten, don’t start something your not ready to finish.” N’Jadaka’s tense voice broke the peace and silence of the night. Causing Bonnie to freeze and slowly meet his eyes. She takes notice of the fire blazing in his eyes and his clenched jaw and how his hands are white knuckled from the effort of not moving. Bonnie studies his eyes a little longer and bites her lip. Feeling a flare of playfulness, determination, and something else she really didn’t want to focus on right now; made her choice.

She allowed her figures to move across his markings again and within a few seconds a snarl escapes him (sounding much like the big cats that they have in their history). Before she can react, N’Jadaka is on the move; throwing her over his shoulder, opening the door, stalking inside, allowing the door to close with a definitive click. Bonnie’s shocked laughter seems to stay ringing in the air as the bag of grimoires are left out on the porch. Where her ancestors stay outside to watch over the land. After all, none of them particularly want to watch their descendant in that way.

----

Early the next morning Bonnie or rather Ahnika quietly slips out of bed and throws on N’Jadaka’s shirt. She slips down the stairs and quietly out the front door to grab the grimoires. Once she gets them inside, she carefully starts to put them in the box with the other grimoires. Right as Ahnika finishes she feels N’Jadaka’s presence behind her.

“It’s way to early in the morning for this kitten. The day can wait.” It was, being only 3 o’clock it was definitely way to early. Though before she can say anything,  N’Jadaka latches onto the side of her neck. Then, quick enough to give Ahnika whiplash; picks her up and carries her back to bed. Yes, the day definitely could wait.

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Thank you for reading! Peace, love, and joy!

[escher-room-with-a-view]

williams family headcanons

this will focus largely on my HCs regarding the dynamics between different members of sarah’s family. jeremy is also there.

looooong post under the cut!

for much of her life, especially after her mother left, sarah has felt like she hasn’t had anyone to talk to or anyone who cares about her. because of this, she would often keep her feelings to herself because she didn’t think anyone would understand, and she didn’t want to bother anyone who wouldn’t care anyway. it’s this restraint that used to make her feel like lashing out and hurting people whom she knew didn’t deserve it, particularly members of her family. linda was usually exempt from this anger; sarah feels tremendously guilty for her occasional violent desires and is trying to work on them, but she appears to be clinging to the vain hope that linda might someday change her ways and the two can be at peace. even after her journey, she seems to have difficulty accepting that that “someday” might never come.

whether sarah inherited or learned her temper from linda is up for debate; what is known, though, is that it runs in her mother’s side of the family. when the two argued, it was often because sarah felt that linda was putting too much pressure on her or not understanding her. in the heat of the moment, linda has said things once or twice that one can’t exactly take back. sarah once justified this to herself by thinking that she provoked her mother, but she’s coming to realize that it isn’t what she thinks so much as it is what she believes she’s expected to think. either way, it hurts her deeply. in fact, sarah is so close to linda that the idea that her mother can do (and has done) anything wrong still comes as a shock to her. she’s especially inclined to forgive her mother for having been petty and nasty in the past because of linda’s affectionate (and admittedly sincere) way of trying to make up for it. sarah’s RSD is the type that makes her feel enormous relief whenever she has some sort of closure. she can spend days agonizing over the idea that someone might hate her, but the minute she’s told she’s been forgiven or even that the other person was never angry at all, she can let it go in an instant. (in fact, this is partly why she’s so kind to her friends, especially hoggle. she knows how it feels to think you’ve done something horrible and unforgivable, even if that isn’t the case—and she doesn’t want anyone to feel the same way.)

sarah likes jeremy, who is exceptionally nice to her and genuinely wants her to feel included. he does his best to be a “fun” sort of father figure, but also acknowledges that he can’t replace her own father and doesn’t try to pressure her into accepting him the way irene somewhat did when she moved in. in fact, jeremy treats sarah almost like a friend and is more lenient with her even than her own mother. he’s always standing up for her and buying things for her that he thinks she’ll like. the two also have several inside jokes that they find hilarious. in general, whenever jeremy cares about someone, he’s very keen on making it known so that they never doubt his authenticity; this is partly why linda gravitated toward him, as she felt like he was more compassionate and cooperative toward her than robert was, and they had more in common.

sarah wasn’t pressured into sharing her mother’s interest in theatre; it came naturally. though linda had some influence, most of sarah’s special interests developed largely on their own. however, sarah tends to be saddened by the fact that linda doesn’t seem to care about her interests unrelated to theatre and never really has. when it comes to anything she has no personal connection with, linda seems indifferent and unaffected no matter how excited sarah is. linda wishes she could bring herself to care more, but she simply doesn’t know how and in some cases isn’t even willing to put in the work. there are few subjects on which linda and sarah are able to have in-depth conversations; one of these is the performing arts, so whenever sarah is around linda it makes up the bulk of what she talks about. sarah desperately craves her mother’s approval, still blaming herself for linda’s departure, and often catches herself acting in ways she thinks will earn that approval even when linda isn’t around.

this is compounded by the fact that sarah has no way of knowing whether or not robert and irene are interested in her thoughts at all. if they are, they certainly don’t show it. on most occasions that they do show intrigue, sarah has some difficulty not interpreting it as them judging or interrogating her. in other instances, she’s simply gotten frustrated and given up trying to communicate with them because she doesn’t feel like they understand or listen. irene in particular wishes she was closer with sarah; however, the two have very little in common. irene has difficulty expressing warmth toward others’ children and doesn’t exactly know how to foster a good bond with them, aside from disciplining them and following the rules she’s read about in her parenting/self-help books. her collection of these books is enormous; many are under the impression that, because of it, she fancies herself an expert. irene tends to be a bit literal and persnickety with rules. she would like to foster emotional and mental health in both her son and her stepdaughter, in addition to raising them to be upstanding citizens; however, she doesn’t quite know how to do the former and is kind of learning as she goes along. though she has difficulty expressing it, she’s fiercely protective of sarah and would like to shield her from anything that might hurt her.

linda and robert separated partly because they had very different ideas on how to raise sarah. while they both had relatively equal expectations for her, they wanted her to pursue different fields; robert sought to push her in the direction of something more conventional while linda wanted sarah to pursue her dreams in the arts—so long as they aligned with linda’s dreams, as well. however, this was just the tip of the iceberg. in reality, the arguments that eventually led to their divorce (sarah was 10 at the time) began when each parent felt that the other’s career wasn’t supporting them as much as they would have liked. linda and robert had lost the spark in their relationship over time; they simply didn’t connect with one another. the phrase “you’re not the person i married,” or a variation of it, was said often on both sides. when the environment in the williams household became too stressful to her, and robert grew too obstinate, linda decided that she was leaving; this happened after she met jeremy, who understood her in a way that she felt robert never had. the realization that linda was forming a relationship behind his back was, for robert, the straw that broke the camel’s back. i think that when it comes to the relationship between sarah’s parents, the song “moral of the story” by ashe applies pretty well. like, really well.

linda’s love language is giving and receiving gifts. she sometimes sends presents and letters to keep in touch with sarah; over the years, though, the influx of gifts has declined for reasons sarah doesn’t understand. linda is usually just too busy or too forgetful to bother; it’s often jeremy who sends gifts in her stead and apologizes on her behalf. furthermore, it’s made sarah uncomfortable how linda always seemed to expect something back whenever she gave a gift or did a favor for as long as she can remember. sarah considers herself lucky that linda sometimes finds the time to send her mail without having to be reminded. because linda can’t be there to physically provide sarah with affection, she instead appears to use gifts as substitutes. in fact, she’s almost always used material objects to convey the things she couldn’t figure out how to communicate otherwise.

part of what makes sarah feel so angry is, ironically enough, the feeling that she isn’t allowed to be angry. when she gets upset, she wants to mouth off or yell, throw things or hit someone; because all of those things will get her into trouble, and she has some difficulty handling her emotions, she has no idea what she’s supposed to do to not be upset anymore. all she feels like she can do is wait for it to go away—which is not only something that she rarely manages to do, but also something that makes things far worse in the long run.

overall, sarah has a complicated relationship with her mother. on the one hand, the two are very close with one another. linda loves sarah dearly and is immensely proud of her; in spite of all her flaws, she seems to be coming to the realization that she should try and be a better mother even if it’s from a distance, and that just because sarah isn’t physically with her anymore doesn’t make the two any less related. on the other hand, though, linda has quite a few selfish tendencies she hasn’t matured past; her love for sarah doesn’t stop her from using her as a pawn to stroke her own ego. she also isn’t afraid to lash out at her own daughter for bruising said ego, intentionally or otherwise. the only reason she initially considered doing better was because she didn’t want sarah to stop talking to her entirely, though she’s begun considering the principle of it all. it would be interesting to juxtapose linda’s selfishness with sarah’s at the beginning of the film, with the implication that linda is the way she is today because she never got what she needed in the past and/or made the conscious choice to put herself before other people—but sarah doesn’t have to be the same. in fact, throughout her arc it’s proven that she won’t be the same—not only because her journey provides her with courage and her friends provide her with support she may not have and otherwise, but because she chose actively to be a kinder person out of compassion and not because she feared repercussions.

sarah’s insistence that linda has never done anything wrong ever is almost certainly denial. logically, sarah knows that some of linda’s actions have been wrong; that doesn’t stop her, however, from scrambling for a million different ways to justify it. part of this can also be attributed to what sarah feels is an unspoken rule that forbids her from being angry, especially toward the people whom she loves and who love her most; she wants to say that linda has hurt her on several occasions, but doesn’t know how to communicate it and is afraid of setting off some sort of nightmarish consequence. as such, she settles for trying to rationalize it when no amount of explanation can make it okay.

linda is also fiercely protective of sarah and doesn’t want her falling in with the wrong crowd by any means. it does sadden her that sarah doesn’t have many friends (at least to her knowledge), and she’s always encouraging sarah to put herself out there; however, a small, wicked part of linda has wondered if it would be better if she just had sarah all to herself.

sarah has felt ever since the divorce that, to her father, she’s more of an inconvenience he has to “deal with” than his actual daughter. of course, robert doesn’t see her that way; but he doesn’t know how to communicate with her or connect with her, as much as he’d like to, which results in a wall between them. despite this, she does know that he loves her and is doing her best. as bad as it makes her feel, she explains it to herself by saying that she sometimes wishes his best was better.

i personally interpret sarah putting away linda’s pictures at the end of the film as her realizing that there’s someone else who has no power over her: her mother. granted, sarah doesn’t destroy the pictures because she still loves linda and hopes she gets better as a person. but the fact that she puts them somewhere safe can be thought of as symbolizing how she isn’t going to let linda manipulate her anymore and it isn’t her responsibility to help her get better—let alone be her personal echo chamber. sarah has decided, in my opinion, to keep a reasonable distance from linda (to the extent where “i can talk to you, but you can’t hurt me”) until she can be certain that linda has changed. in particular, sarah feels safest interacting with her mother when jeremy is present, as jeremy isn’t afraid to come to her defense and has made linda reconsider her behavior on several occasions. i also think it could be interesting to contrast maria’s fierce and unconditional love and linda’s genuine, but often self-serving and distanced love toward her own child.

sarah remembers her family being happy before things went downhill and still finds it difficult to grasp the fact that it wasn’t her fault in some way. when her family tells her that, she doesn’t think they’re telling the truth. when her classmates tell her it wasn’t her fault, she feels like they just don’t understand.

robert feels like he didn’t pay enough attention to linda’s needs back when the two were married, and he thinks that’s most likely the reason she left. to make up for what he perceives as his neglect of his ex-wife, he does his best to make irene feel like a queen.

i think of sarah and toby when i listen to “evelyn evelyn.” i’m not sure exactly why, but it would make a good comic or animation someday.

i also made picrews!

post-canon!sarah - in this one, she’s about 16. i always loved the idea of her just deciding to cut her own hair one day and her parents being shocked about it. shorter hair is also especially conducive to speedrunning the labyrinth every other week

link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/1272810

adult!sarah - my headcanon is that she was a stage actress for a while and later went on to have a film role, but eventually decided that the life of an actress wasn’t for her and settled down to become a college drama professor. once she cut her hair as a teenager, she never went back. her family was frustrated by it until she got older and they mellowed out about it because they realized there was really nothing they could do

links (in order): https://picrew.me/image_maker/457566 and https://picrew.me/image_maker/696219

adult!toby - i don’t know why, but i feel like he’d be really into alt fashion. like i think sarah would introduce him to her punk and hair metal vinyls one day and he’d just latch onto those and never let go. i also think that he didn’t leave the labyrinth unchanged, and sarah does her best to help him readjust and cope with it all; i’m tempted to also headcanon him as ND, so it’s possible that she’d be able to relate to him a lot in the future and that would make things easier for him

link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/696219

sarah and toby! i think they’d get along really well as toby was growing up, with sarah telling him these wonderful stories and playing fantastical games with him and whatnot. she’d have some of influence on his taste in music and books, too, i think, as explained above. but because of the whole “evelyn evelyn” thing i’m considering incorporating some degree of angst into their relationship when they’re adults. i do have an idea, but i’m not quite ready to spoil it yet! i’ll wait until i manage to draw At Least One Thing for it!

link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/399481

[missmentelle]

Do you think I'm bad for treating my parents just as horrible as they used to treat me?

I don’t necessarily think you’re a bad person, but I do think that this might not be the best use of your time. 

As humans, I think it’s a pretty natural impulse for us to want revenge on the people who’ve wronged us. When someone has hurt you, it can be very tempting to think about how good it might feel to see that person get hurt back. This can be especially true of abusive parents - as a child, you were powerless to fight back against the ways that they treated you, and now that you are an adult, the thought of using your newfound power to get back at them can be very enticing. I can understand the attraction here.  But this situation is not about what your parents deserve - it’s about what’s genuinely best for you. 

When you escape from something as horrible as child abuse or a generally crappy childhood, you need to think about what’s actually going to help you recover from those experiences and move forward with a happier and healthier life - and continuing to have a toxic relationship with your parents is not going to help you do that. When you keep your parents in your life so you can torment them, you are keeping that cycle of rage, anger and abuse going, even if you are now on the other side of it. Instead of learning healthier relationship patterns and reclaiming the time and energy that you’ve lost to them, you are continuing to let toxic people take up space in your heart and mind, and you are digging yourself deeper into entrenched patterns of harm and abuse. Saying or doing something terrible to your parents might give you a temporary sense of power over them, but causing them harm doesn’t heal you.

There’s also the fact that, while you and your parents may be on relatively equal footing right now, that’s not always going to be true - your parents are going to get older and sicker and weaker as you come into the prime of adulthood. Eventually, you’re going to reach a point where you are simply abusing people who can’t really defend themselves, exactly like your parents did. I know that you may want your parents to know how it feels to be treated the way you were treated, but resorting to their tactics just opens you up to the same anger and bitterness that drove them to mistreat you in the first place. It also doesn’t reflect as well on you as you’d hope - even though the friends, family and significant others in your life can understand having a bad relationship with your parents or not wanting contact with them, watching you actively mistreat your parents will put a lot of people off, regardless of your reasons for doing it. There comes a point where it starts to make people wonder what else you might be capable of, and it will harm your relationships and mental health rather than helping them. 

I know it’s fictional, but the show Bojack Horseman does an excellent job of showing all the various reasons why taking revenge on an abusive parent doesn’t actually resolve your issues with them [spoilers ahead]. Bojack spends much of the series trying to get back at his aging mother for all of the cruel and horrible things she has said and done to him over the course of his life. She was a vicious, critical and neglectful parent, and although there is no excuse for what she did, Bojack’s attempts to get revenge on her don’t actually take the sting out of any of the things that she did, and they don’t actually make her realize the error of her ways. He is just increasingly unkind to his frail, dementia-riddled mother - to the point that it alarms the people around him - without ever realizing that his mistreatment of her isn’t actually giving him the closure he wants. When she finally dies without any of the issues in their relationship actually being resolved, Bojack realizes that his escalating abuse of her was all for nothing, and that he wasted time hating her instead of meaningfully moving on - “my mother is dead, and everything is worse now”. 

Sometimes, the best revenge is living well, and leaving toxic people behind. If your parents - or anyone else in your life, for that matter - has been a consistently negative influence, don’t let them be a part of your life anymore. Cut them off entirely. Get the therapy you need to recover from the way that they treated you, and focus on building the healthiest relationships that you can. Sometimes the best way to get back at abusive parents is to build a life that doesn’t have a single trace of them in it - they just have to watch from distant sidelines as you defy their expectations, leave all of the unhealthy patterns they taught you in the dust, and create a life filled with love that they can only dream of having. It doesn’t mean that you have to forgive your parents for what they did - I don’t actually believe that forgiveness is always necessary or even possible - but you can choose to rise above the example that they set and live a life that doesn’t involve them. 

For what it’s worth, my own mother has struggled with this for most of her adult life. She ran away from her extremely abusive home at 16, and for a long time, she concentrated her energy on hating her parents. When I was a child, I would overhear her telling my father that she sometimes wished her parents would be hit by a bus. They wrote vicious letters back and forth, competing to see who could make the most cutting personal insult. When I was maybe 8 years old, my mother finally made the decision to cut both of her parents off, and just focus on her own life. And it helped. My mom no longer came back crying from checking the mail, she stopped having heated phone arguments that left her angry and throwing things around for hours after they ended, and she started having time for things that were more productive for her. She found hobbies, made new friends, spent more time with us kids. My grandfather died last year, and before he went, my mother and I flew to see him for the first time in 20 years as he lay on his deathbed. That was a very emotional trip for my mother - my grandfather died from complications of Alzheimer’s, and it was difficult for my mother to process that the monster of her childhood just didn’t really exist anymore, and that there was never going to be one final confrontation that gave her the vindication she wanted. But she made her peace with it - her revenge is the life she led without him, and she was able to say goodbye to her father without feeling like there was anything left unsaid between them.  Sometimes you have to choose healing over vindication.  Best of luck to you.  MM

[wetalkaboutbooks]

The King’s Men- Nora Sakavic

Apologies for how late this is, but it’s here now! So, here is my final review for both The King’s Men, and for All for the game as a whole. Spoilers ahead for all books in All for the Game, and a warning for mentions of harder source material that the books do work with. Anyway, here we go! 

I think that I will split this into the good, the bad, and an overall review of the series as a whole.

What Was Good?

Characters

Starting with Kevin. I really adored getting to a softer, more hopeful side of him. I felt the way he engaged with UCS and Jeremy was incredible, seeing him act like a normal person, with friends, who didn’t live in a constant state of fear, was lovely. I love Kevin, I think his character development is very well paced. I do wish that his alcoholism would have been dealt with, and his girlfriend, but we will get around to that later. For now, I think that his tattoo was a good way to show him moving on, taking control of his life, and reclaiming his skin from Riko. Also, proud of him for telling Wymack the truth.

Next, Matt and Dan. They’re so cute, the final scene where her strip club family comes to see the game, and how her and Matt work together is fantastic. I don’t know how to express exactly how much I love their relationship, it works so effortlessly and pays off in every scene they have together. They are such a highlight for me, and make the book a lot better.

Allison is a babe. When she just backhanded Aaron for talking smack to Neil about Seth, I have never rooted so hard for a character as I did for Allison in that moment. She had the least amount of development by far, and the least amount of time within the novel. The scene where she is looking at the banners did the same thing that Kevin’s tattoo did, in a smaller way. It was the idea of moving past a person’s control, moving into oneself, and standing without an essential pillar to their inner ideas and person. Allison and Renee were also very cute, and their relationship is adorable.

Seth, if you read my other reviews you knew this was coming, I love him, I miss him, he’s wonderful because he was so flawed. I do have some genuine thoughts about him this time around. So, I felt like this time around his death was finally properly acknowledged. He was allowed peace and closure, I miss him yes, but his death means something. Which is conflicting, but I think it's good. It’s more than just Allison that sees this, it’s Neil as well. I think he finally gets the remembrance he deserves in this book, as it comes from the people who matter.

Neil! I love him, he’s different in this book, more soft. And loved, he knows what he wants and knows that he can have it. He can let go of some of his walls and learn who he is again. He’s wonderful, and stronger as a character than he has ever been. I don’t really have all too much to say, mostly because his development was so natural. He’s wonderful, I think I love him too.

Nicky and Aaron, eh. I don’t really feel too strongly about them, I like Aaron, and Nicky is alright I suppose, but they didn’t get a lot of development throughout this book. They were better, so that’s good.

Renee is my love, what a badarse, bless her soul.

Andrew, he’s done it, I like him a lot now as a character. His growth this time around has been wonderful, the way he and Neil work together is so well done. The whole “I hate you” bit is endearing, the pipe dream scene, the mountain scene, the bandaging scene before the shower. But beyond them together, Andrew can stand so much taller on his own now, without Kevin and Neil he is a good character, he isn’t redeemed, but I think from this point on he will be.

OTHER

The fact that Andrew and Neil didn’t get together until after he was off his drugs, wonderful.

The amount of cop disrespect, go off.

The dialogue is very good at times, and had me laughing or almost crying at times.

The scene where Neil is kidnapped, and his dad just, you know. Walks down the steps barefoot. Just, slap slap, his bare feet on the cold ground. Pfft, can’t.

“My dad comes to all my games.” Kevin stop I’m already crying.

The blood in the locker scene was wonderful.

Jean, my French loving heart goes out to him. Also, poor boy, glad he’s free.

Game scenes, love them as always

The Not so Good

Less in this book then in the rest, so that’s a great sign.

Kevin. I wish he got to recover more, he’s a main character and deserved more than a half done revival. His girlfriend was a shoddy put it to give him something to go for. I love her, don’t get me wrong, but she deserved better than being Kevin's eventual redemption. And Kevin deserves to live for himself for a while. Without Riko, or Andrew, or anyone else. Let him live. Also, would have loved to see him take the tattoo off without being pissed.

Trauma. Can’t these characters have some respect for the suffering of their friends. They all need a break, and honestly so do I. I can’t anymore with the disregard of pain, a lot of it comes off as victim blaming, namely Neil in regards to Andrew. 

The trigger warning need to be taken seriously, please look them up if you are planning to read it. The dead animal scene was terrible and unnecessary. 

Which leads to Riko. Yikes, where to begin? Let’s start with the end. His death was shocking and a messy way to tie up the fact that he wouldn’t stop unless someone made him. He became far too easy to hate, see the fox scene, and I stopped hating him. Just felt pity for him, which isn’t very fun. I suppose there’s a bit of nuance to it, if you think, but I don’t think it played out well with his end being so dull. Yikes, what a let down, all this build up to his death and then it didn’t mean anything.

Seth. Wow, yikes, here we go again. This is sort of the same idea as Riko’s death, don’t tell me a character’s death means nothing, and then shoe in it means something at the end. It’s cheap, and takes away the message you gave in the first place. In this case, that being that sometimes people die and there are only a few who mourn, and it doesn’t mean anything big, but it still means something. Then boom, it’s a plot point for character development and all that work, accidental or not, is thrown away.

OVERALL

As a book

This is the best book in the series, by far. Sakavic really grew as a writer and it show’s in this book, in the pacing the game scenes, the dialogue, in the overall themes that were presented. I loved it, I really did. I loved this book, it was fun and I had fun.

8.5/10, Thank you for a wonderful ride.

As a series

Everything above, while true, does not extend to the series, I of course cover the flaws in my other reviews, but to summarize it’s not worth the wait. It takes too much bad writing, to much pain, and disregard, to get to this point. If you can put up with it, then it get’s fun, but overall. Eh, didn’t like it that much. 5/10 for the series. 

Book 1 Book 2 

[liquor-and-intellect]

PREHISTORIC PART TWO

Summary: Talia is a singer inspired by the man who broke her heart. The man who left her to pursue his career in the music industry without a second thought. The man who happens to be Harry Styles and is paying her show a visit.

Part One 

Roman found me in the alleyway, still staring at the space Harry had previously taken up. A fragrance of clean linen and a hint of spice still hung in the air. The nostalgia of his familiar unchanged scent— even after all these years— threatened to wrap itself around my throat and squeeze until I couldn’t take it anymore. 

“I’m not saying I just saw Harry Styles cry,” Roman began. “But I’m pretty sure he was close to tears.”

 Roman’s voice was like a punch to my gut. This little bubble of conflicting feelings I had resided in for the past few minutes was immediately popped at the presence of his voice.

“What’s going on, Tal?” Roman noticed my defeated posture. “You look like you just saw a ghost.”

“I feel like I did.” And it was true. This image I’ve had in my head ever since I put the lyrics of Prehistoric on paper, just happened to come true tonight. I always wished he could hear the words I was thinking, feel the emotions I let cause me dread. I wished I could sing this song to him and he would fall to his knees and beg for me back. Apologize for everything he put us through. 

Then here he was. Whole. New. A priceless sparkle in his eyes that hadn’t previously been there-- but yet he was the same.

And it caused me so much anger that I had even surprised myself. 

“You two had a thing, didn’t you?" Roman asked. If I hadn’t been so emotionally drained, I could have picked up on the hint of sadness his words held.

I nodded.

Roman pressed, "Does he want you back?"

I shrugged. "I don't know what he wants."

"Do you want him back?" 

I don't know what I want. "No," I lied.

 Roman was silent for a beat before, "Did he invite you back to his place?"

 If this was anyone else, I wouldn't have allowed the excessive amount of questions. Besides my music, I was a fairly private person and my band knew that. The boys all knew that the only piece of me they would get would be the part I let them see when I jotted down lyrics on napkins in bars or came to rehearsal with papers stacked on crumbled papers that I wrote in the manic hours of the night.

At this point in my life, Roman was one of the only people I let close to me. So, I let his numerous amount of questions roll off my back because I knew they were only asked out of genuine concern.

I let out a long breath. "Yeah." Straightening my back, I attempted to look more like myself. "He said if I wanted to talk about things, he'd be at his hotel until tomorrow."

There was something indecipherable on Roman's face as he asked, "Are you going to go?"

Honestly, I didn't know. A part of me knew I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing he was so close and willing to talk. Another part of me wanted to bury that part of my life once and for all. I settled for an easy answer that would give Roman a peace of mind. "No. Of course not." But even I didn't believe it.

At my answer, Roman stepped closer to me. So close that I could feel his breath on my forehead and see the pulsing veins in his arms that he usually got after a good show.

"Good," he whispered, before closing the gap between us and placing his lips on my own. 

It wasn't that I hadn't kissed anyone since Harry and I broke things off. I had experienced my share of one night stands and attempts at dating— usually after I saw on Twitter that Harry was caught with someone new, but that's besides the point.

The point is, I'm not sure why my entire body rejected Roman's lips on my own. It should have been effortless. It would have been so easy for us to fall into this relationship after all we shared in common. We had been close friends after all—and in another life, I truly believe that he would have made me happy.

Unfortunately for my happiness, it wasn't this easy and all I could think about is the smell of clean linen and spice that still hung in the air from a man that still had every possible grip on my heart. It wasn't fair, I thought, that after two years, he waltzes back in and changes everything once again.

Maybe he didn't change anything at all. Maybe it had always been there.

I pushed Roman off. "I- uh... I'm sorry," I muttered, thinking of green eyes. "I just can't do this right now."

Roman let out a breath, composing himself. "I understand," he reaffirmed, always kind, always patient. "when you're ready, you know where to find me."

I nodded, thankful— but also a bit uneasy. I don't think I could ever give him what he deserved in a world where Harry Styles existed.

In the end, I walked away. Packing up my things and hailing a taxi back to my apartment.

HARRY’S POV

 I don't know what I expected.

 For her to run back into my arms? Cry and kiss me? No, none of that...

 Doesn't mean that I hadn't hoped for it though.

It had been a couple hours since I left the bar where Talia was playing. She'd been... absolutely electrifying on that stage. She sang and moved with such a magnetism and passion that I haven't seen in the music industry in a very long time. When she placed the microphone up to her mouth, you couldn't look away— and if you were able to, it was physically painful. As if ripping your eyes off this bundle of light was the most unnatural action known to man.

I had heard the songs before. When her band released their EP on Spotify, I couldn't bring myself to listen to her voice on my two thousand dollar lavish speakers. It felt wrong. Instead, I pressed play in my car and drove endlessly through the night, as if my aimless driving would land me back on her front doorstep—wherever that might have been. I knew undoubtedly what songs were about me, I could hear the hurt that I had caused when I initially left for L.A or when I had eventually stopped answering her calls. The pained lyrics were so overwhelming that I drank for three days straight. Then, when a friend of mine pulled me out of my stupor, I wrote about it.

God, I filled up notebooks with lines about her. How I was guilty, how I was mad that she didn't try harder when we were together, how I was frustrated that none of our friends would talk to me anymore, but ultimately how much I still loved her after a year and how terrified I was that I would live the rest of my life with this weight on my chest.

I checked my email, trying to pass the time. I knew deep down that Talia wasn't going to come to the hotel. She had every right not to. Not after all the shit I’ve done.

A subject line of an email caught my eye, it was labeled: Talia.mp3.

My heart dropped to my stomach; I had almost forgotten that I had sold this song to Mikaela Straus months back. Hesitantly, I opened the email as if the song would play before I clicked on it—before I was ready to hear it.

The email read:

 Harry,

This track is absolutely killer. Thank you for sharing it with me and letting me tell this story for you. I'm sorry for whatever caused you to write it, because that pain feels so real. I hope I did Talia justice.

 xx Mikaela

After my three-day drunken depression, I experienced—what my friends called—a resurrection. I put myself in the studio and wrote until my fingers bled. We banged on instruments, used up ink pens, and tore papers from writing too quickly. In the midst, a song named Talia was born.

It was too raw, too personal for me, that I couldn’t release it. I could barely even sing it without being hit with a wave of emotion. If I released it, I knew my fans would connect the dots and as much as I wanted her music to blow up, I knew she would never forgive me for her career always being tied to this desperate song about her. But the words deserved a chance to take their own form, so I sold it to Mikaela—or King Princess, as she goes by—to let the lyrics breathe on their own. Even if I had released it as my original, I would never be able to perform it live and the speculation and questioning would eventually drive me mad. 

My finger did this strange dance where it hovered above the hyperlink to the song. I felt like I couldn’t bring myself to play it. It was like opening a piece of my diary and letting someone else read it out loud for the world to hear.

But the emotions were real. I had experienced them. Even if I had caused them, I deserved to feel them and acknowledge the pain that resided in my chest.

After a small deliberation, I hit play.

There was a slight crescendo of a piano before Mikaela’s voice emitted from my laptop speakers.

“Hey, my love

buried you a month or two ago.

I keep thinking that you’re standing on my floor

That you’re waiting there for me…”

After the third time hitting play, I fell asleep to Mikaela’s voice cracking as she sang the name Talia.

 Talia’s POV

 It was 4 a.m.

I spent 3 hours after I got home pacing my living room. Another hour spent scrubbing my body of any trace of the night. Another hour cleaning my apartment. I was absolutely manic. I couldn’t breathe properly without the weight of anxiety on my chest. I also couldn’t sit still knowing that a five minute drive away, Harry sat in a hotel room.

So here I was. In front of room 310 at a fucking Hilton Hotel. I was staring at the door, trying to will myself to knock.

You deserve closure, I thought to myself.

My fist rapped against the thick door.

I stood there.

Thirty awkward seconds went by.

I couldn’t bring myself to knock again. Letting my eyes continue to stare at the gray of the door as if it would give me x-ray vision into a room where Harry was.

A minute went by… then two.

Defeated, I felt like sobbing. I had been driving myself mad all night for him to just not answer? No, I wasn’t going to accept this. He couldn’t just show up at my show after two years of not seeing him. After completely ripping my heart out of my chest.

I banged louder on my door. If he chose to ignore this knock, I knew other residents in this hallway wouldn’t.

There was a slight scuff on the other end, a jingle of a lock being removed, then the tentative movement of a door opening.

Harry stood in front of me. His hair was in disarray, curls standing up in all directions, along with a red mark across his face—where I guessed his arm had been tucked under his cheek as he slept.

He was also shirtless, but I tried my best not to ogle at the number of new tattoos that covered his chest.

“Talia.” The grogginess from sleep laid a warm blanket across his British accent, wrapping his words in a soft rasp. If I could ever manage to recreate that tone in my music, I swear I would make millions.

“Hi,” I whispered.

There was a moment of peace as I stood outside his door. A boy and a girl staring at each other outside a hotel room at 4 a.m. There was a wave off complex and overwhelming feelings that were drowning me. Above all else, there was an intense urge not to run into his arms that I was desperately fighting off like a bad cold.

I sniffled.

“Come in,” he said.

And I walked in, because how could I ever say no?

Anons are open if you need to talk about ;)

Song mentioned in this part is Talia by King Princess.

masterlist 

[fallout-snippets]

I totally understand if you don’t want to touch this, but— Companions reacting to finding out sole was abused by their old spouse? Like causing them to flinch during an argument or seeing the marks and scars, you know?

(this is a very good and important ask, thank you. I can guarantee you that every single one of the companions understand the fear you feel when someone you loved and trusted not only hurt you but tried to destroy you)

Cait feels a great shame. Knows exactly why Sole reacts that way, it was the same way she was before she decided to fight back. Dissapointed in herself that she made someone feel that way. Never really talks about it but she shows more than she tells. Always steps up in confrontations, tries to be more gentle around them etc.

Codsworth remembers. One of his deepest regrets that he dwelled on for 200 years waiting for his family was that he didn’t do anything. Back then he was new and with a fresh program that made him loyal to his owners, not just Sole, but now when time has passed and the code has evolved, he knows that’s not an excuse. He’s probably relieved the spouse didn’t make it and that Sole has a chance for a new beginning. He won’t make the same mistake twice.

Curie doesn’t have any experience with abuse but she certainly knows a reaction to trauma when she sees it. She’s probably tries to ask about it but if Sole deflecting she’ll try to ask other people about it so she knows what she should and shouldn’t do to make sure she doesn’t trigger Sole. She’s absolutely horrified when she learns why Sole reacts like that and that some scars on their body is from someone who said they loved them.

Danse has PTSD himself as a soldier in the Brotherhood and he can understand in a way how some things that seem benign make you react so hard. Probably doesn’t truly understand until after he leaves the Brotherhood, how something that was meant to be safe ends up being such a threat. And still, Sole stood up to Maxson to protect him, having that kind of heavy pain in their heart. Feels a tremendous debt to Sole for being so strong when he couldn’t be. Will work his whole life making sure Sole never feels anything like that again.

Deacon probably already knows a little of the story but nothing really prepares you to face it. He can see the terror flash in their eyes, their body instantly growing stiff. He was gesturing his hands in a story, but he got a bit too close. He feels sick to his stomach that someone could do that to a person, but doesn’t mention it. Like Cait he takes precautions and makes sure to remember what’s okay and not okay so Sole can feel safe.

Dogmeat doesn’t let anyone get close until he knows for sure that they won’t hurt Sole or scare them. Even if it’s a friend; if they make Sole react like that he’ll growl until they leave. Never lets them sleep alone either, though he does take a patrol from time to time just in case.

Hancock initially thinks it’s a ghoul-thing. It’s happened before. He does notice that it’s not really the same. Eventually connects the dots and manages to get them talking about it; over drinks or through a long conversation where they slowly let their guard down. Lets them know they’re not alone and they got nothing to worry about with him around. He’ll beat the shit out of anyone who tries to get the better of them.

MacCready doesn’t really get it at first, he just can’t imagine loving someone and hurting them on purpose. It doesn’t make sense. Knows better than to invalidate Soles feelings though, tells them how good they are and how much they’ve improved since he met them. Constantly tries to uplift them and make them more confident and less afraid. Proably feels a bit like a dork doing it but Sole is a good person and he’s disgusted that some lowlife bastard who was lucky enough to be loved by them destroyed them like that.

Nick figures it out without triggering a reaction. He’s seen more than his fair share of abused spouses in his life. Knows that since Soles spouse is now dead and gone there may not be much of a closure for them, or a way for them to feel like they broke free, but makes sure they do know that they ARE free. Does his best to be a supportive friend but knows that only time and personal growth will save them.

Piper doesn’t know what to say. The things she does say feels generic and pointless and when she’s alone she probably cries to herself on their behalf. What an awful thing to happen to such a wonderful person. Probably gets kinda touchy even though it may not be the best thing. Wants Sole to know that a touch isn’t supposed to hurt. Hugs them and pats their back, is very gentle and affectionate. Hopes that their PTSD and triggers can be trained out of them, in a way.

Preston knows how it feels not being able to trust someone, no matter how good they behave. Probably takes a while before he genuinely believes Sole wants to help the Minutemen grow. He’s still shocked and horrified when he learns that the person Sole married is the person who abused them. A person who pretends to be a good person to their friends and neighbors but hurt and destroy the person they’re supposed to be equal and loving to, is a thousand times worse than a lowlife raider. He’s not a violent person but when he thinks about Soles spouse he can’t help but to feel very, very angry.

Strong doesn’t get it. At all. He’s seen Sole absolutely eviscerate enemies but they were married to someone who kept hurting them? And they didn’t hurt back?They try to explain love to him, and how it doesn’t just happen, it’s a long introduction into it that makes you believe you deserve it. Love is a stupid human emotion, in his opinion. But, their spouse is dead now, yes? Not a threat. Strong will show Sole how to crush their head like a grape if it happens again.

X6-88 knows all about it. At first it doesn’t faze him, because it’s not supposed to, but once he gets to know Sole and he begins to understand what humans are like and what it’s like to be human, he’s furious. Like Cait and Deacon he takes extra steps to ensure that the road ahead of them is trigger-free and safe for Sole. Doesn’t talk about it because he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say, what he can say. Like Sole, he wants to look forward to the future, not regret what’s in the past.

Ada offers to have long talks with them about it. While she recognizes that she’s a bot and not a psychiatrist, she knows her previous companions liked to confide in her because they knew she wouldn’t judge or tell anyone. Makes sure Sole knows that whatever person they may have been, no one deserves to be abused by someone who says they love you. That’s not love.

Longfellow probably feels a little bit guilty about all the past lovers he wasn’t the best gentleman to but still, he would never, ever lay a hand on someone or talk down to them like that. Only the lowest of lowlifes would do that. Expresses his genuine condolences to the life they deserved but didn’t get to have because their spouse was a total shithead. Like X6-88 he toasts to the future and to leave the past behind. Tells them it’s okay to start over and not feel bad about it.

Gage knows more than well what Sole is going through. He’s spent a long hard time moving past it and he gets that it’s a shitty road filled with potholes and traps. He’s not about to coddle them though, thinks it’s a good time for them to toughen up. It’s the only way to protect themselves against it ever happening again. Though obviously, completely closing yourself of the outside world isn’t good. Sole probably helps Gage through his recovery with their own recovery. Neither of them deserved it and neither of them have to let it define who they are.

[taiblogcomics]

Daddy Issues

Hey there, leg boots. Well, let's keep going! Keep going until the storyline's over! Trust me, I'll know when we're there~

Another issue, another cover:

Man, this Shovel Knight DLC really lost focus after the last couple. I still love this gang's motif of "blank white cube" on their shirts. I think it's supposed to be an ice cube and they're the Penguin's henches, but it's not very well conveyed. Lastly, "Rage is my Revenge" is the name of Jason Todd's first album for his generic-ass metal band. It's a very stupid-sounding phrase, isn't it? The worst revenge is living angry~

So we open on a full-page splash that's probably just a few moments before the cover. Still raining, lightning still raking the sky, but Jason's firmly on the ground holding his shovel in a ready stance, and none of the Featureless Squares Gang have started shooting yet. Turning the page, and the scene depicted on the cover plays out. Well, kudos for this comic for actually showing something that happens in the comic on the cover for once. It's a two-page splash this time, and Jason beats up all the goons with his shovel. I think it's implied he's there to dig someone up, and apparently the Penguin doesn't abide graverobbing. I mean, even a criminal has some standards, yeah?

The comic then jumps backwards one hour, showing Jason opening that package he got from Ma Gunn finally. They teased us with that thing for, like, two issues. As you might have guessed anyway, it's a bunch of letters. All of these are technically silent panels, with the only text being the content of the letters. The first is from Ma Gunn, essentially explaining that the rest are letters from his father, which she held to keep control over him, and apologising for doing so. After opening the first of the letters from his father, the scene setting changes to actually show said father writing said letter(s) and his own flashbacks on the material.

Jason's dad (the Dad Hood, if you will) opens by saying he's writing because he doesn't want Jason to end up like him. He's always been a bum and used to be a drug dealer. Eventually he met a girl, and that girl eventually became his mom. And those parents grew up to be the worst parents ever. And that's all just the first letter of six. The second one lasts about three panels, and essentally all it says is that naturally, Jason's mom's parents didn't want their daughter dating a retired drug dealer. So she ran away with him anyway. That's the whole letter!

Letter three is all about Dad feeling a bit guilty about pulling her from her comfortable life out to living in a rundown shithole, but that's how these things go. "Addicts are good at adjusting" he says, which is both depressing and I think the opposite of true? He then mistakes her being pregnant with her being dead. That's... quite the mistake to make. He's scared to death by the prospect, which I think in this case is less him being shitty and just a common sort of thought. Can't hold that one against him, honestly. Onto letter four!

Letter four is a bit better, which opens with him getting a job washing cars. He even attends pregnancy classes with Mom at the Gotham YMCA, which is definitely him not being shitty. This then segues into them getting kicked out of the classes because Mom is a pregnant drinker. Insert expected joke about "this explains a lot about Jason" here, even though I'm not sure it does. Anyway, after getting kicked out, she just gives birth to Jason at home in their bathtub. Shortly after birth, Dad takes Jason out on a balcony and shows him the sunset, declaring that he'll be a "prince of Gotham", and he'll be a dad to be proud of. And both the letter and Jason in the present comment on the "guess we know how that turned out" nature of that remark.

So it turns out that perhaps the "mom drinking while pregnant" thing did go poorly for Jason, and he has to be hospitalised. Car wash money ain't gonna cover it, and at the very least, Dad has realised drug-dealing's too dangerous. So, next best idea? Well, he's in Gotham. So he becomes a professional hench. Two-Face, Riddler, Mr. Freeze... He worked for them all. And hey, it worked. Jason grew up and got out of the hospital. They even had money left over sometimes. Unfortunately, Dad takes a job with Penguin--even getting one of the white cube shirts as seen earlier in the comic--who it turns out to want a fall guy rather than a hench, and that's how Dad ends up in prison.

The last couple letters wrap up that Mom died at some point, which I also probably covered in some previous issue. Like, I specifically remember it (if not the issue). But it'll be fine. He's made a deal: be a guinea pig for some experiements, and they'll let him out early--if he survives. He promises that he'll see him soon, hoping that Jason has a son himself someday so he'll know what it's like to love someone so much you'll do anything to see them again. That's his last letter, and Jason's understandably in tears after that. This is further amplified with a surprising find also in the envelope: photographs of the two of them together.

We return to the present where, after knocking out all the mooks, Jason finds the grave he was looking for and digs it up. Penguin calls off his last mook, the sniper, and just wants to watch. The coffin, it turns out, is empty. Jason's father's not in there. He didn't die in prison. Penguin walks away, satisfied. He doesn't know who Jason was looking for, but seeing him find it empty looks like it's causing him more anguish than Penguin himself could work up. And indeed it is. Jason, you see, hated his dad for many years for leaving them, blaming him for what happened to his mom. He celebrated the day he heard he died in prison. But if he's not dead... Jason doesn't want to care what happened to his dad. But he does. And that's the worst pain of all.

This is a good issue. I’m not gonna bullshit around about it. I give this series a hard time a lot, and a lot of the time it deserves it. But likewise, this issue’s actually pretty well-written and has heart to it. And I’m not gonna snark that away from it. This is probably the closest any issue of Red Hood has come to making me feel something genuine. Give this issue a go, it really does come across like a down-on-his-luck dad trying to reach out to his kid. Basically, Jason desperately wants closure, and he doesn’t get it. It’s really good, and I recommend this one.

Future issues are probably going to ruin this moment, but let’s let it stand as a high point for the series for now~

[the-desolated-quill]

Arachnids In The UK - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Spiders. It had to be fucking spiders, didn’t it?

Normally I watch each episode multiple times before writing a review in order to pick up on every nuance and detail. With Arachnids In The UK however, I just about managed two viewings and that was a Herculean effort I can tell you because... you know... fucking spiders. So apologies if this review isn’t as detailed as previous ones. Frankly you should be grateful you’re even getting a review of this at all because... you know... FUCKING SPIDERS!

So then. Let’s talk about the fucking spiders. The fear factor of this episode will depend on how you feel about spiders in general. If you’re one of those weirdos who keep tarantulas as pets (seriously, what’s wrong with a dog or a gerbil or something? Can’t you just be normal?), then you probably found this quite quaint. If however you’re like me, a confirmed arachnophobic and colossal wuss, Arachnids In The UK most likely terrified the fucking life out of you.

But wait. It gets worse. I would have been shitting myself if the spiders were regular sized, but that’s not enough for Chris Chibnall. Oh no. These spiders are ever so slightly bigger than that. How big, I hear you ask? Think Aragog from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Yeah. That big.

At this point I’d like to extend a massive fuck you to Doctor Who’s special effects department for really putting in an almost criminal amount of time and effort into making these giant, eight legged demons from hell look as photo realistic as possible. Each individual, computer generated hair rendered with absolute care and attention to detail, making the spiders that much more skin crawling to look at. I mean it wasn’t as if I was planning to sleep that night anyway.

I also have to begrudgingly commend Sallie Aprahamian for her direction. The lighting, camera angles and use of sound really help create a creepy atmosphere and build tension effectively. Because spiders, even massive spiders, aren’t the type of monsters to jump out and attack you directly. No, the little fuckers like to sneak up on you and catch you unawares, and that’s what this episode really takes advantage of.

So what reason did Chris Chibnall come up with for giant fucking spiders to exist? Genetic experiments and toxic waste. Stupid? Yes, but so is the idea of a wooden blue box travelling through time and space, so let’s not get too critical. Just pretend that scientist works for Norman Osborn from the Marvel Comics and go with it.

Let’s move away from the spiders (quickly please) and talk about the characters because they’re, once again, the strongest part of the show. The Doctor is still just as delightful as ever with Jodie Whittaker switching from comedy to drama effortlessly. I especially liked at the beginning of the episode where she’s noticeably sad to be saying goodbye to her new friends only for her face to light up again when Yasmin invites her for tea. After Steven Moffat’s ‘the Doctor lies’ bullshit and Twelve acting all brooding and stoic, it’s refreshing to see a Doctor who displays their emotions openly. I also liked the way she interacted with the spiders. While everyone else is understandably shitting themselves, the Doctor is the only one who tries to give the spiders any kind of dignity, even going so far as to comfort the giant mummy spider at the end as it dies. She doesn’t view them as disgusting or frightening. They’re living creatures like her and deserve the same kindness she would give to a human.

Of course the main purpose of Arachnids In The UK is to get the companions to sign up for more adventures and I really like how this is done for the most part. Ryan is very quickly becoming my favourite companion and Tosin Cole is clearly having a lot of fun in the role. My favourite scene in the whole episode was him using grime music to lure spiders into the panic room. That got such a big laugh out of me. He’s just a really likeable character and I love how he’s growing and developing. He’s come a long way since The Woman Who Fell To Earth. He’s become a lot more confident and I think it’s because he feels he can achieve great things with the Doctor. He likes that he feels valued by her and that’s nice to see. And he clearly still has a lot more room to grow as shown by his scenes with Graham, which are easily the highlight of the episode. His negligent father wants Ryan to move back in with him, calling himself his ‘proper family,’ which irks Ryan. Over the course of these four episodes, Ryan and Graham have grown so much closer as Ryan slowly starts to let Graham in. I love their camaraderie and the understated love between them and I can’t wait for the episode where Ryan finally calls Graham ‘grandad’.

Graham too is brilliant. We see him return to his home and start properly coming to terms with a life without Grace and I love how it’s portrayed. New Who has an unfortunate tendency to really overegg the pudding when it wants to elicit an emotional reaction from the audience (see the Tenth Doctor’s farewell tour or the Eleventh and Twelfth Doctor’s ghastly final monologues). Chris Chibnall so far really seems to understand that less is more and the same is true here. There’s no obnoxiously loud sad music or sappy monologues. In fact the imaginary conversations Graham has with Grace are actually quite mundane, talking about when to put the bins out and things like that. What makes these scenes so powerful is Bradley Walsh. His performance, his facial expressions, everything he does sells the pain and heartbreak Graham is going through. It’s truly an acting masterclass that puts the previous showrunners attempts to tug at the heartstrings to shame.

I’m very curious to see what happens to Graham going forward. Him wanting to travel with the Doctor in order to cope with his grief and avoid knocking around an empty house is quite a compelling reason to become a companion. Haven’t really seen that done before. And... is it just me, but is this coming across as a bit... death wish-y? What with this and his cancer recovery as well, I’m deeply worried something bad is going to happen to him come the end of the series. I really hope not. I would be devastated.

Finally there’s Yasmin and... yeah, I’ve mentioned before how I’m not exactly warming to her. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate her. Mandip Gill is doing a great job with the material she’s being given and Yasmin is a nice enough person, but as I’ve said in previous reviews, she comes off as a bit superfluous. Even the introduction of her family doesn’t really do much to establish her as a key member of Team TARDIS. In fact she’s coming across as an amalgamation of Rose Tyler and Martha Jones. Rose because of her desire to find something more in her life and Martha because she wants to get away from her boring and annoying one dimensional family. She doesn’t really stand out as her own character and I put it down mostly to the ensemble cast. It’s the classic case of ‘two is company, but three is a crowd.’ It’s the same reason why Susan and Adric got sidelined in the classic series (as well as the fact that Adric was an irritating little shit that deserved to be smacked upside the head) and she just pales in comparison to Ryan and Graham, whose characters and storylines are much stronger and more interesting. I really hope she gets a chance to shine soon because so far I honestly couldn’t care less about her, and considering she’s the first ever Muslim companion, that’s really disappointing.

Since we’ve shifted to criticism, lets talk about the supporting cast. Yasmin’s family, as I said, are quite boring. They’re just your typical family with the typical overbearing mum (maybe it’s time for New Who to consider stopping all the family stuff now). The scientist... exists, doing nothing other than to introduce the spiders as a plot device and occasionally give exposition on spider ecosystems. Finally there’s the hotel guy, played by Chris Noth who tries to wring every last drop of comedy out of the part and is actually quite amusing on occasion, but sadly doesn’t have an actual character as such other than being a painfully on the nose parody of Donald Trump. Not only is this futile in and of itself because some could argue that Trump is so extreme that he’s practically impossible to satirise, but also nothing ever really comes of it. He’s a prick at the beginning, he’s a prick at the end, and there’s no real payoff or satisfying closure. Not only does he not learn his lesson, I actually found myself agreeing with him a few times. Like what’s the difference between shooting the spiders and locking them in a panic room so they can eventually starve to death? And what was the Doctor planning to do once she herded the giant mummy spider out of the ballroom? Set it up in a nice cozy bedsit? And if it’s suffocating to death anyway because its lungs have grown too big and can’t absorb enough oxygen, wouldn’t shooting it be the kindest thing to do at that point?

While I’m on the subject of guns, how the fuck is his bodyguard able to get away with carrying a gun in Sheffield? You’re not in America now, sunshine. And how come Yasmin, the police officer, doesn’t do anything about it or the fact that her mother was wrongfully dismissed? (at gunpoint. I need to keep pointing that out. Her mum was fired from her job at gunpoint in Sheffield). Come on Chibnall!

Arachnids In The UK has flaws to be sure, but its excellent execution of the main plot and threat as well as its genuinely touching and heartwarming moments between the main characters that help it stand out. The weakest episode so far, but still very enjoyable.

[girlonfilmmovies]

The Top 25 Films of 2019

25: Shadow (dir. Zhang Yimou)

"Without the real, there can be no shadow. A principle no one's understood."

After a string of terrible films trying to play to Hollywood audiences, Zhang Yimou manages to successfully return to the goldmine he stuck in the early 2000s and craft another absolutely gorgeous wuxia. Here he swaps out the poetic, colorful beauty in favor of monochromatic, surprisingly violent tone poem about deceit. It ultimately works against it, as by the seventh or eighth double cross you kind of just give up trying to figure out who's on what side, but the main action setpiece is so wonderful it deserves a spot for that alone. Hopefully a good sign for Yimou's future, as long as we don't have another nationalist war epic that somehow inexplicably also has a white savior narrative too.

24: Climax (dir. Gaspar Noé)

"...something's kicking in..."

Noe takes us for another plunge into the dark, twisted, vomit-inducing, neon-lit hellscape that is his mind and at least has the common courtesy to put the pleasant parts upfront this time. While it will eventually devolve into the same type of chaos that we all love/hate from him, the first act is kind of a wonderful departure from him. He basically accidently makes a musical for a while, with wonderful and deeply intricate dance choreography as well as a fantastic extended sequence where every character jumps in and out of frame and gets a chance to strut their stuff. That movie would have been a strong top five contender, but alas, the man has his particular quirks that he must abide by. But at least he also strung together probably the best soundtrack and sound design of the year, with the fantastic EDM bangers rumbling through the walls throughout the entirety of the film.

23: Long Shot (dir. Jonathon Levine)

"Oohhh boooy!"

Charlize Theron and Seth Rogen doing a political comedy that manages to be both smart and extremely funny seems like a long shot indeed, but Johnathon Levine finally strikes gold again after a number of disappointing duds. He manages to make a pretty good story about how navigating the political minefield destroys what little hope and dreams high level politicians still manage to have, but then he also happens to make it all absolutely hilarious too. Theron demonstrates a surprisingly strong comic game too, easily matching all the other talent and cracking jokes along with them. It ends up being a charming romance where the woman takes charge in a very pleasant change of pace. And if nothing else, the way Seth Rogen yells "oh boy" in that video is always going to make me laugh no matter what.

22: 6 Underground (dir. Michael Bay)

"Ghosts have one power above all others: to haunt the living. Haunt them... for what they've done."

Theoretical question: what say Netflix gave Michael Bay a blank check and no restrictions, and he turned in the most overblown, dialed to eleven, nonsensical spectacle that he ever crafted and was allowed to put it into almost every American home for free? Now what if I told you that it was actually kind of awesome? Sure, it's basically a child playing with his $150 million dollar GI Joe set, smashing his toys together and making pew-pew sounds, but it's also probably the best testament to the power of conventional effects work over the increasing insistence on CGI for big setpieces. Let's face it: explosions are pretty cool, every one likes exotic locales and bright sports cars, and there's at least someone here to appeal to you (least surprisingly for me, it was Melanie Laurent with bangs wearing a suit). It almost reaches a late Michael Mann kind of abstraction, as both are respectively breaking apart the action movie into stranger combinations. Bay gives plot only because he contractually has to, and even then doesn't seem as committed to characterization as he is showcasing surprisingly brutal ways for the gang to dispatch their enemies. It's nonsense, but the damn best nonsense of the year.

21: Ip Man 4: The Finale (dir. Wilson Yip)

"Is that it?! Is this your Chinese Kung Fu?!"

The finale in the decade-long quadrilogy of supremely silly and borderline racist worship of China finally attempts to tackle America to delightfully amusing results. Scott Adkins doing his best evil R. Lee Ermey impression while slipping in modern neo-con punchlines, neverending Bruce Lee worship, and more nationalism and bad fake American accents than you could ever believe. Yet also a more bizarrely honest portrayal of racism in 1960s America than most movies would ever have the courage to acknowledge. It’s almost fascinating considering how a lot of the non-Asian racism basically serves as set dressing, but they still put more effort there than pretty much every Hollywood movie set in the 60s that isn’t directly about civil rights. But ultimately they're selling you a bill of goods saying "watch Ip Man beat the crap out of racist meatheads" and you better believe they're going to give you what you want.

20: Let It Snow (dir. Luke Snellin)

"Have you ever been with someone, and you stay up until like 4AM just talking about everything, and you're just like, I can't believe I get to exist at the same time as you?"

Okay, so let me explain myself on this one:

So yeah, it certainly is a generic teen romcom where everyone plays into basic teenage stereotypes, half the cast is clearly nowhere near eighteen, and all of the romance is oddly chaste. But there truly is something to be said about representation in a romcom, and after a thousand boring cis, straight, hetero couples falling in love for decades, this movie actually managed to hit a lot of notes that are at best rarely explored in the genre and also manages to probably sneak in some genuine firsts. While both the "tomboy/softboy" and "Latina struggling with her family" storylines have been done before, these are some nice, cute little iterations on those befitting a teen-friendly movie. But the Dorrie/Kerry story is not only legitimately groundbreaking, but also an absolutely perfect encapsulation of the types of problems that queer teenagers struggle with during that time of their lives. It's a queer romance, played by two actually not-straight people, with one of them being a nonbinary actor too. And it's not cordoned off into some bargain bin DIY indie that fell out the back of the truck on the way to an indie film festival; no, this is in a major holiday release, with well-known actors, and as one of the central storylines! Plus, it perfectly captures the woes of modern teen coming out, knowing that everything will probably still be cool, but the fear haunting you as all you can do is look jealously at someone who is out and proud. And it does it without being real shitty and horribly traumatic too. Eat your fucking heart out, Love, Simon!

19. John Wick: Chapter 3 -- Parabellum (dir. Chad Stahelski)

"Si vis pacem, para bellum!"

Another year, another John Wick movie. There's more plot; you don't care, and let's be honest, neither do I. Stahelski is here to serve up more badass characters and incredible action, and no one in Hollywood does it quite like him. It's got familiar action favorites demonstrating why they still remain supreme, with Yayan Ruhian, Cecep Arif Rahman, Tiger Chen, and the ever underrated Mark Dascascos. It's got surprising action showcases for Halle Berry, Lance Reddick, and somehow Boban Marjanović. It's got great character actors doing their thing, from the returning McShane and Fishburne to newcomers Saïd Taghmaoui and Anjelica Huston. It's got Asia Kate Dillon as an awesome nonbinary shadow organization asshole. It has a bewildering Jason Mantzoukas cameo. And above all else, it has Keanu Reeves, still demonstrating not only his incredible physical skill, but also how to perfectly utilize his particular acting style to create an iconic character.

18. Doctor Sleep (dir. Mike Flanagan)

"Man takes a drink. A drink takes the drink. And then the drink takes a man."

While not the most accurate adaption, it might be the only Stephen King adaptation that comes to mind that actually successfully channels what makes him such an appealing author. King's stories have an inherent corniness to them and for as much as you unsuccessfully try to cover that up (look to this year's The Outsider for a good example), it's where the true charm of his work shines. It's what makes this so fun, because as much as an epic, eldritch terror is exciting, it still doesn't have the goofy fun of a bunch of vampiric bohemian drifters led by a Stevie Knicks knockoff in a top hat breathing up souls. Plus, the epic three hour runtime actually allows Flanagan to at least try to cover all the more subtle serious characterizations of Danny Torrance, from his recurring alcoholism to him seeking closure with regards to his parents. It manages to actually make the final act's nostalgia play kind of work, or at the very least get the terrible memory of the Ready Player One version out of my head.

17. Her Smell (dir. Alex Ross Perry)

"I thought you were better than this, but deep down I knew you weren't."

Perry must have had some extra pent-up nastiness in him after having to restrain himself while writing Christopher Robin (by the way, that happened), because he really created one of the nastiest characters in cinema here. Her Smell is the equivalent of being locked in a room with the shittiest person you'll ever meet, as she constant lashes out at everyone and everything with the kind of delirium that the truly demented are cursed with. And credit to Elizabeth Moss where it's due: she really perfectly embodies such a horrible human being and proceeds beat you damn near to death with it during a majority of the runtime. Eventually it slows down and all of the problems become apparent once they script isn't flying by at a thousand words a minute. But Moss literally did her job so well that people fucking hate this movie because of her character, and if that isn't a testament to her acting talent than I don't know what is.

16. High Life (dir. Claire Denis)

"At 99% the speed of light, the entire sky converged before our eyes. This sensation, moving backwards even though we're moving forwards, getting further from what's getting nearer. Sometimes I just can't stand it."

Denis finally makes her English debut with what she does best: nauseatingly uncomfortable sexuality oozing from terrible people doing horrible things. In this case, she takes an innovative detour into sci-fi, setting up a decades-long story of human experimentation, murder, the horrors of space travel, and whatever unholy things are going on inside of the "Fuck Box". It has an appropriately dingy production design too; the clean retro-futurist spaceship design soon dissolves into a torn apart den of depravity, caked in a mixture of filth and dry blood. Pattinson once again manages to be likeable while also being extremely standoff-ish; only playing with his baby daughter do we seem to see him actually enjoy interacting with a human being. Kind of gets lost in the sauce near the end, but at least manages to land some surprising emotional notes considering the kind of horrors that they've shown up until then.

15. The Farewell (dir. Lulu Wang)

"Chinese people have saying: when people get cancer they die. It's not cancer that kills them, it's the fear."

Lulu Wang's followup to Posthumous is such a massive step up in talent it's not even funny. She manages to make such a wonderfully soulful and loving movie about impending death by utilizing near perfect comic timing to defuse a situation that threatens to stray too dark. Not to mention her point of view on modern China from a non state-sponsored eye actually captures a much more accurate shot of the country itself. It's almost as if an Edward Yang movie had set itself more modest expectations -- it's pleasant, goes down well, teaches you a couple of things about Chinese culture, and manages to do it all in only a hundred minutes. And Awkwafina manages to hold her own against far more experienced actors, even if you can tell her Mandarin is still a little spotty.

14. Uncut Gems (dir. Josh and Benny Safdie)

"I think you are the most annoying person I have ever met. I hate being with you, I hate looking at you... And if I had my way I would never see you again."

Adam Sandler's magnum opus performance -- there will never be another character that fully embraces every grating aspect of his style of acting and manages to weaponize them for two anxiety-inducing hours of hell. Sandler's Howard Ratner is an absolute sewer rat scumbag, an untrustworthy coward, and a perennial fuck-up of epic proportions. But he's still so charismatic and powerful on screen that you root for him every time he drives you further up the wall. And the Safdie brothers know how to keep him moving too, never letting the audience catch a breath of air for this movie-length panic attack as the odds stack further against Howard each minute. Whenever you see Sandler phoning in his comedies for fat checks, just remember this performance and how pretty much every awards committee completely ignored this film. No wonder he doesn't bother trying anymore.

13. The Last Black Man In San Francisco (dir. Joe Talbot)

"You don't get to hate it unless you love it."

A wonderfully evocative love letter to a changing city that is so full of life in every way, from the vibrant movement of the camerawork to the bombastic and powerful soundtrack blasting throughout. But it actually plays more like a New Orleans' funeral march, a melancholic chronicle of the original denizens of San Francisco even as the city warps into the caricature that it's slowly becoming. There is a definite feeling that the aggressive gentrification is unavoidable and even the love of the original quirky denizens can only stave off the metaphorical steamroller that paves over the past. It makes for a wonderful counterpoint to the previous year's Blindspotting: both about young black men dealing with gentrification in the Bay Area, but Blindspotting starts as a very angry comic satire that eventually ends on a note of hope and a will to survive the changing tide, whereas this begins as a joyous celebration of the city and ends on a heartbreaking resignation in the face of everything. Both come from respectively very different sides of San Fran culture, but it's rather interesting seeing each have such different approaches to the same topic.

12. The Standoff at Sparrow Creek (dir. Henry Dunham)

"How do we know it's not you?"

A simple "pressure cooker" scenario done to perfection: one empty warehouse, a bunch of hardened standoff-ish militia men, a missing gun, a ticking clock, and a whole lot of suspicious side eyes and probing questions. It helps that the gruff suspects are a perfect who's who of roughened character actors, all previously well-versed in playing suspicious people, and all of them hiding the kind of unspoken rage that makes a man secretly join an armed militia. All of this told with a nerve-wracking minimalism and style as weirdly detached from reality as some of these men are. One hell of a debut for Henry Dunham and hopefully a sign of good things to come.

11. Booksmart (dir. Olivia Wilde)

"How about we play a *rousing* round of J'ACCUSE!"

Profoundly silly and yet also so disarmingly sweet, Olivia Wilde whips a wildly stylized portrait of Gen Z high-schoolers and the many ways that they vastly differ from their older peers. Certainly much more welcoming and accepting of the diversity of teenagers than pretty much any other teen movies from the past, although they still poke fun at some particular brands of modern "wokeness" too. Stuffed to the brim with wonderfully weird characters, between the lovable catty theatre duo of George and Alan, the cringe-inducing desperate rich kid Jared, the endearingly dumb thirstball Theo, the dorky and blissfully unaware queer-bait Ryan, the effortlessly cool and extremely "top energy" Hope, and the absolutely batshit wildness that is Gigi. But mainly it serves as a vehicle for Devers and Feldstein, with both bouncing perfectly back and forth off each other in moments of comedy and drama. Feldstein always pulls off huge laughs pretty much every line and Devers sells a perfect amount of baby-gay awkwardness in one of the sweetest (and heartbreaking) queer romance stories in film. But above all else, it's just so damn fun and aware of what teenagers are actually like than most movies ever have been.

10. Luce (dir. Julius Onah)

*chuckles* "You really think I believe that stuff?"

One of the most wildly uncomfortable experiences in recent cinema history, but not due to any horrifyingly explicit graphic content being shoved in our faces. No, Onah and Lee created something much more discomforting: a constant challenging of all our biases and stereotypes, of us wanting to give chances and have faith in those that we trust. Kelvin Harrison Jr. delivers one of the best acting performances in recent memory because he's able to literally do everything; his Luce somehow manages to perfectly walk the tightrope required for a performance like his. With him behind it, Luce is such a charming, loving, likeable character but there's always just something that seems off about him. And even if Spencer's Wilson has a fixation on him that crosses all sorts of legal and moral boundaries, wouldn't we be cheering her on under different circumstances? In a way, she herself is trying to communicate a lesson about perception too, one that also mires in deep, troubling waters. Even if the film still feels very stage-y due to it's source material, the cold clinical aesthetic only further helps it make us squirm in our seats.

9. Violet Evergarden: Eternity and the Auto Memory Doll (dir. Haruka Fujita)

"Nobody wants a letter that cannot be delivered."

An absolutely magical experience that artistically excels over the original TV series it's based off of. The production is still as impressive as any other KyoAni work, but the composition and lighting in particular are outstanding, selling the social isolation of the first half and the childlike wonder of the second half. Beginning with a sublime Victorian romance in the first half, the story eventually morphs into a tribute to the workers of the world, the cogs in the machine. But in the context of the studio's recent history and the horrific arson attack that claimed 36 members of the studio, this instead comes off as a battlecry against the opposition against them. It's a story valuing those who are overlooked in the process of creation, a story about strong determined women, a story of a young girl defining her own future against society. KyoAni as a studio were most known for treating all their employees exceptionally as well as being a primarily female-led studio, both unfortunate exceptions in the industry as well as the target for a lot of unfair online hatred against them (and surely played some sort of role in why the arson attack happened to them specifically). To see the studio make their first post-attack work so proudly emblematic of what made them unique makes this so much more powerful than you would expect.

8. The Nightengale (dir. Jennifer Kent)

"You know what it's like to have a white fella take everything that you have, don't ya?"

The classic revenge fantasy narrative warped into a bleak, cynical portrait of racist cruelty in 1800s Tasmania. Jennifer Kent, improving leaps and bounds from the relatively straightforward Babadook, crafts a searing indictment of the foundations of colonialism and the misogynistic undercurrent of the barbarous society. It's a revenge movie where the vengeance is horrible and unsatisfying -- there's no crowd pleasing murderous money-shots, just brief moments of comeuppance in the face of everything in the world working against our two protagonists. Those who are squeamish should be aware that it is exceptionally graphic and grueling at times, although Kent does manage to keep up a very good pace for the two and a half hours of hell.

7. Transit (dir. Christian Petzold)

"They say that those who were left never forget. But it's not true. They have the sweet, sad songs. Pity is with them. Those who leave, no one is with them. They have no songs."

Hitchcock by way of Kafka -- a classic existential mystery told in a disorienting separate reality not quite like our own. It's a bold move to take a Holocaust set narrative and completely throw out the actual setting itself, but Petzold only enhances the weird themes of the story by taking it to a completely different but still very familiar time. This is a classic tale of becoming the person you say you are but really aren't -- then begging the question of what if you're not the only one also living a false identity. Buoyed by an excellent and very enigmatic lead performance from Franz Rogowski, who displays a tremendous skill for playing somebody so closed off but also very charismatic and watchable.

6. Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood (dir. Quentin Tarantino)

"When you come to the end of the line, with a buddy who is more than a brother and a little less than a wife, getting blind drunk together is really the only way to say farewell."

Tarantino trades in his B-movie worship and penchant for comical bloodbaths (well, for the most part) to make something I certainly didn't expect from him: a relaxed hangout movie about getting old and falling out of fashion. Exceptional production design whisks us away to the height of Hollywood and three different people all looking at their future careers in very different lights. Leo gets to stretch his wings in all sorts of silly fun ways and Brad Pitt finally lets go of the young superstar image and easily slips into his more natural "hot single dad" swagger, playing the most effortlessly cool character of his career. Tarantino sets aside time to look back on his own flaws as well and playfully reflects on his own particular ...quirks. Easily his best since his 90s prime and the first time in a long time I've felt the maturity that he showcased in Jackie Brown.

5. The Lighthouse (dir. Robert Eggers)

"Damn ye! Let Neptune strike ye dead Winslow! HAAARK!"

Hyper-masculine mania as told through a wonderful blend of dark comedy and cosmic horror and with some of the most lush black-and-white cinematography maybe ever in a film. Eggers' now trademark devotion to absolute accurate period detail in both visual design and dialogue greatly helps this reach transcendent heights. But it's truly the two performances of Dafoe and Pattinson that help it weave a perfect spiral of insanity that also manages to be so oddly fun. Never could there be any other paring of actors that would perfectly showcase these two dirty sea-dogs going stark raving mad at each other so well.

4. Midsommar (dir. Ari Aster)

"As Hårga takes, so Hårga also gives."

(Director's Cut) Every generation deserves their own paranoia-fueled pagan horrorshow, but Aster strikes a much deeper vein in his epic take on the classic territory The Wicker Man had previously claimed. The brutal rituals of the Hårga are only set dressing most of the time, with much more focus poured into the vile toxicity plaguing the relationship between students Dani and Christian. Reynor's Christian is such a perfect portrayal of a terrible influence -- he's charming, fun, and likeable when he's on your side, but the second anybody goes against him his seedy manipulation begins to seep into everything he says. Pugh continues her winning streak too, delivering a broken person desperately trying to put a smile on while falling apart on the inside as she realizes she truly is all alone in the world. While some might be disappointed by the lack of actual "terror" for a good chunk of the movie, Aster has found something much more likely to scar us than these friendly Swedish cultists.

3. Sunset (dir. László Nemes)

"The horror of the world hides behind these infinitely pretty things."

After striking gold with Son of Saul, Laszlo Nemes takes a hard turn into a very different genre but manages to create a wonderfully unique spin on classic detective noir. His signature camerawork powers this yarn, successfully taking the claustrophobic eye of Saul and using it to give a truly immersive sense of place in the tumultuous world of 1913 Budapest, where danger is simmering under the surface and ready to boil over at any moment. After all, noir is always about the eye of the detective, so Nemes' style takes it to a literal degree where everything outside of Irisz' field of vision is incomprehensible. We catch the same shady sideways glances and hushed whispers at the same time she does too. The plotting, like all noir tales, gets a little too complex for its own good, although it's less because of double-crossing and deceit and more from the story slowly dropping its connection to reality to function on a far more allegorical level. But as far as immersive, experiential cinema goes, not even 1917 can stack up to this film's highs, as the enraged lower-class populace eventually comes for the heads of the bourgeoise and Irisz suddenly realizes she is in the very wrong place at the very wrong time.

2. Portrait of a Lady on Fire (dir. Céline Sciamma)

"Do all lovers feel they're inventing something?"

An absolutely breathtaking portrait (hehe) of yearning and love, so astonishingly romantic and actually aware of what will make a woman swoon. Every technical aspect is perfect, from the gorgeous locale to the lovely windswept dresses to the soft, classical cinematography. But the true magic comes from Merlant and Haenel perfectly delivering every line of Sciamma's wonderous script. Those two have a sexual tension strong enough to burn down the theater, as their shy glances turn into deep longing stares and both their steely professional reserves give way to poorly suppressed joy at just being able to be with the other. Even their initial terse dialogue melts into pure romantic splendor, as they lovingly catalog all the little gestures the other does when flustered. Their connection during filming was powerful enough to fuel rumors around the two in the press and is currently providing the desire for every thirsty lesbian who finishes this to immediately pull up videos from the press tour and hunt for those same things between the actors themselves. And trust me, they are there.

1. Parasite (dir. Bong Joon-ho)

"Not 'rich but still nice.' Nice because she's rich, you know? Hell, if I had all this money, I'd be nice too!"

Very rarely does a film come along that actually warrants to be described as "perfect", as in one that literally generates no critiques in any way even if I was forced to pick something at gunpoint to complain about. But Parasite truly does every single thing right. Even Bong's tonal whiplash style, which does grate on me at times, somehow fits perfectly here as the schemes become increasingly madcap and the increasing sense that this will all come crashing down horribly mounts ever higher. Until then, it's an absolute joy to watch in every way, as Bong stacks the card deck higher and all the characters dive further into the sewer for their own benefit. The midpoint pivot works wonderfully too, as it goes to show that literally every person is getting played in the world of Parasite. It's massive success is only surprising to those who haven't seen it: it's the perfect movie for the era it came out in and may as well be the watershed moment for a new age of cinema where Hollywood finally admits that it's not the king of the world anymore.

[lazybarbarians]

The Secret History of Twin Peaks: A Novel by Mark Frost

Ragnell: It was with a little trepidation that I picked this week’s selection. This is a tie-in to a television series, one that hasn’t been on the air for 25 years, and part of the marketing for the upcoming third season. That’s not a recipe for a great reading experience. But I’ve been itching to read it, partly so I can listen to the podcasts and fan-theories that reference it and partly to get myself back into the Twin Peaks mindset by the 21st I put this. What better way to do so than with a friend?

With that in mind, and preparing for Twin Peaks spoilers pertaining to this book, the first two seasons of the series and the movie, join us below the cut for a review of The Secret History of Twin Peaks: A Novel.

This book takes place from the time of Lewis and Clark all the way past the end of season 2, with annotations from an FBI agent reviewing the material in 2016. As a result there’s a lot of spoilers and information in it, as well as the results of some cliffhangers.

Kalinara: I have to admit, my memory of Twin Peaks isn’t nearly as sharp as yours. I watched, enjoyed it, but I had to resort to the wikipedia entry more than a few times to remember individual character names and who was who. :-) For best effect, I would recommend that casual Twin Peaks fans refresh their memory about the series before they tackle the book.

R:: Well, I do rewatch pretty much the whole series every year. Often live-tweeting it. This year should be fun.

It starts with Lewis and Clark meeting the ancestors of the Nez Perce tribe, who relay to them some legends about the area and show them Owl Cave. From that point forward we go through American History from the tragic fate of Merriweather Lewis through the disgraceful treatment of the Nez Perce tribe with a backdrop of Illuminati vs Mason conspiracy theories and the founding of Twin Peaks and boy scouts witnessing events near Glastonbury Grove until we get to the 40s. A good chunk of the book is spent in the 40s, 50s, and 60s following the investigation of UFO sightings, and the involvement of one Dougles Milford in covering them up. We learn the true origin of the Log Lady, and some interesting bits about some otherwise minor characters. We get plots involving Richard Nixon and Jackie Gleason over this time, with a particularly interesting one involving Jack Parsons, L Ron Hubbard, and Aleister Crowley that implies that rather than the mystical being explained scientifically as evidence of aliens as we usually see when sci-fi and horror collide, the alien encounters may actually have a mystical explanation. It’s all very engaging and interesting and makes me wonder how many of these anecdotes are based on real stories about this historical persons. (A quick google search shows that L. Ron Hubbard actually did run off with Jack Parsons’ girlfriend after they all tried to summon the Goddess together.) We also learn that, aside from Dougie Milford being more important than previously realized, Gordon Cole also knows quite a bit more than he let on.

K: The historical background was interesting, but I felt a little disconnected from the material. It was almost like a setting book in a roleplaying game: “look at these possible plot hooks”, but I didn’t really see the connection to the modern day...or the early 90s show that I remembered. Though I did wonder about “Denver Bob”. It was far more interesting once we got to the scout trip with young Andy Packard and Dwayne Milford. (The picture that was used for young Dwayne Milford looks REALLY familiar to me, and it’s bothering me to no end.)

R: Yeah. “Denver Bob” cannot be a mistake. Also, I have a suspicion about who the “walking owl” (or something with large eyes) was meant to be.

K: I suppose the Illuminati/Mason stuff will be connected to whatever the new series does with the Black Lodge, but it still felt a bit opaque to me. I think maybe I’d like to reread it after we see the new series. The relevance will probably be clearer then.

R: Personally, I think the American History bits are there to establish that most of the bad stuff in Twin Peaks stems from screwing over the Nez Perce.

Aside from that we get the generational background of the Martells and Packards, and Jennings and Hurleys, in the form of town histories and journal entries from characters who observed the messes. We learned what happened after the explosion at the bank, that only Audrey survived and that Catherine never recovered from the loss of her remaining family. We get another version of the story behind Nadine and Ed’s ill-fated marriages, which contradict the stories told in the show, and we find out how Hank Jennings died. And we also get a little bit on the Briggs family, and some tantalizing bits in the footnotes about Cooper’s fate (implied to be tragic.) And what eventually happened to Lana, because you know you wanted to know what happened to Lana Milford, right?

K: Did we know the thing about Josie’s body weighing only 65 pounds or something when she died? I didn’t remember that detail, but as previously established, I’d forgotten a lot. I remember always having mixed feelings about Josie’s plot on the show and I’m not sure the extra backstory really helped. It almost seemed like a checklist of cliches: prostitution rings, Triad connections and so on. I do remember that Josie wasn’t the innocent girl that she seemed on the show, but this seemed like a bit much to me. Either Josie is a delicate flower or a complete Dragon Lady. One stereotype to another. There’s no nuance there. But that was kind of my problem with the character even on the show. I still feel like Joan Chen deserved better.

R: Yeah, her body weighed less but I don’t remember the exact weight. The dossier was overkill. She was implied to be somewhat victimized by Thoams Eckhart, though responsible for her own share of evil. Much more nuanced, but this account (in Cooper’s voice) coldly paints her as a pure predator. Which could be more kicking the character when down, especially as she had arguably the most horrifying end, or could be another inaccuracy in the book. It’s certainly more in line with David Lynch for characters to be rounded, capable of great evil and goodness, sympathetic even in their sin. Particularly women. He doesn’t do “Dragon Lady” very often.

I did really enjoy the book, and I want to watch the series again now that I’ve read it. It puts a new relevance on the Milford plot, gives us closure for a lot of the characters we know won’t be in season three (Catherine, Pete, Andrew, Hank, Major Briggs), leaves some threads open that may be picked up in Season 3 and just fills out some of the mythology without actually explaining it. It gives us some neat stuff from the POV of characters I love like Major Briggs, Deputy Tommy “Hawk” Hill (although it reveals he hates the nickname Hawk), Agent Cooper and leaves plenty of fodder to argue about which of the supernatural characters match with which of the supernatural occurrences in the book.

It wasn’t as scary to me as the show, but the frightening parts of the show are due to the mood and atmosphere of the film, not the black and white facts and our two main guides through this history, the Archivist and Agent TP, are not atmospheric storytellers, they are direct fact relaters. Also, it’s a Frost book and I believe in the collaboration Frost was responsible for the details of the mythology and the backstory of the characters while Lynch was responsible for making sure the audience felt genuine terror at it.

It is also riddled with contradictions and inaccuracies and I hesitate to call them mistakes because there are simply so many and some are so obvious. The one that stuck out the most to me was Maj. Briggs description of his experiences in the second season. He places his disappearance at the campsite and his return from that closer to the finale, and completely cuts out his experience with Windom Earle. This could be attributed to general confusion from both experiences being so close together, though. He doesn’t mention seeing Sarah in the finale either.

I also noticed the weirdness with Norma’s family. No mention of Annie, Norma’s maiden name is Lindstrom, not Blackburn, and her mother is listed as dying before the show starts. Some of the other reviews I’ve heard have pointed out that the book contradicts itself, such as with Doug Milford’s middle name. The dates are off. The story of Nadine and Ed directly contradicted the story told in the show. Audrey’s reason for being at the bank was different. I don’t think this stuff isn’t on purpose, though. (There’s a whole list others have found.)

It’s not really in character for the Archivist, as his identity is revealed (and for the record, I guessed it around the Roswell stuff) to make so many mistakes so I hope it’s a plot point and not just attributable to human error. Come to think of it, the Ed story is related by Hawk, and he’s one of the characters who never lies in the series.

Despite the reported statement by David Lynch that he hasn’t read this book, I suspect we’ll see the document in some way during the show and that an inaccuracy in it may be a plot point. (Even if Lynch didn’t read it, Frost wrote it and he’s involved in plotting and scripting the show.)

In the end, it’s a good bit of history and “local color” for Twin Peaks when you rewatch the show or watch the new stuff. I know I’ll never look at Doug Milford the same way again.

K: It’s definitely interesting. Given how Twin Peaks originally ended, I can’t begin to guess how much of this book will be relevant or not. But it’s definitely worth a look.

[redscullyrevival]

Blood of Dragons: Rain Wilds Chronicles Rundown

Mixing up the format a little bit today, but we’ll make it through @sonnetscrewdriver!

Thymara

First lets state the truth: Thymara has changed a lot from the first book.

Thymara has undoubtedly grown and has gone on to make her own rules, her biggest change being she has learned to love and understand herself.

I see that, Hobb has made that clear.

What’s hard about Thymara is that while I’ve come far in appreciating her as a character, in the end I don’t really agree with her views.

Which isn’t like a big deal. It would be if Hobb didn’t express her character’s as well as she does but like most characters in Realm of the Elderlings I understand Thymara. 

I get her.

I just don’t agree with her, and I’m not talking about her “choosing” Tats over Rapskal, although the two boys do represent narrative ideas so in a way they are connected - but whatever ignore that for now lol.

Rapskal was being an asshole during his and Thymara’s confrontation right before the dragon’s flight to Chalced. He was angry and hurt and probably scared and was lashing out with words and accusations. 

But while he was in the wrong, he wasn’t making stuff up.

“How is that fair? What sort of love did you have for me, that demands that I must always remain the same?” - that’s some real shit right there.

“You still can’t step away and decide things for yourself.” - like DAMN!

This Elderling series was all about changing the rules, changing social structures, just as much as it was about physical changes being tied to our inner personal changes. 

I mean, it’s not a ~coincidence~ all the Keepers are adolescents; The Rain Wilds Chronicles is a unveiled (hah!) coming of age story displaying all the insecurity, fear, sexuality, mental tribulation and physical changes one experiences when stepping into adulthood - and when social constructs are restructured anew.

And at the end of the story Thymara is still pretty childish. 

Which isn’t inherently bad! 

Thymara is just going much slower than others are. She is choosing to go slower and that’s her choice and it’s a choice expressed well within her character arc, her agency is clear. 

What I disagree with is Thymara’s belief that her views, her chosen pace, is ‘correct’ (and I’m a little miffed the narrative leans towards supporting her view, which in my opinion dilutes the potency of the CHANGING THE RULES! themes).

Now, Thymara doesn’t express this directly towards others that often and really the only person she seems intent on passing judgement on is Rapskal (well, and Jerd) - and a part of that is because Rapskal puts her in that position, he pulls just as much as he pushes that’s true.

Which is why Tat’s won out in the romance department and that was the right choice for those characters in keeping their characterization honest. 

My point is that Thymara has made the correct choice for herself, that’s thoroughly explored, but her continued unease about whatever everyone else is doing and how they are changing (especially Rapskal) is telling. 

And as a third independent thinking party Thymara comes off as a bit pious to me. 

I feel in my bones if we ever come across her again we may see her look back on her early steps into adulthood with embarrassment.

Thymara is going to come out of her adolescence a lot safer, a lot sturdier then others due to her slow pace but not necessarily more emotionally or mentally secure. 

Her risks remain low, Thymara only starts to actively engage her own life at the end of the tale.  

But what was her last moment in the series? She flew! However briefly. 

I believe Thymara’s wings are representative of the idea that she is going to continue growing, that eventually she’ll be higher than everyone and when she rises her perspective will drastically shift. 

Because time is it’s own change; aging is it’s own change; incorporating experience into your life is it’s own change; and Thymara has taken the tortoise route. 

Then there is this guy:

Rapskal

Rapskal is in the opposite direction of Thymara with his own terrifying adolescence pitfalls.

Rapskal believes that because he has absorbed memories of older people (in passage of time and age) he thus has experience - and that’s somewhat true! 

Reyn confirms this when he is shocked that Rapskal can beat him in swordplay. Rapskal’s body absorbs and remembers Tellator as much as his mind; he is built mentally different than the other Elderlings and he is stronger both in body and conviction. 

The rub is that Rapskal uses memory stones as shorthand for his own existence, uses them to bypass his own early stage adulthood and skip to being someone new entirely. 

He’s already committed to his new perspective, he has already flown whereas Thymara is only starting to believe that maybe someday she can.

But he is still someone of his own making, incorporated memories and all!

Rapskal has made choices just as much as Thymara has. Neither of them are wrong in their choice because the point is that the choices belong to them individually, the issue is that they can’t see it that way yet.

Because that’s growing up; can't see the forest for the trees.

And sometimes people get lost and/or grow apart. 

Thymara shouldn’t have sat around and sulked and felt sad about how SHE was loosing her friend Rapskal - she thought of him only as how he related to herself and what she wanted him to be.

Rapskal shouldn’t have pressured Thymara into treating the memories she absorbed as he was treating the ones he did, he made the same adolescent mistake when it comes to growing up in close proximity with others - he too considered her as how she related to himself and what he wanted her to be to him. 

Basically Thymara and Rapskal are seriously convincing teenage protagonists! LOL

Those teenage years are full of selfishness, confusing, draining, terrifying, selfishness. They are! That’s what’s so hard about them, you don’t see it until you’re past it, until you’re above it.

And I think that’s the deal with Elderling’s coming from Humanity.

Check it:

Plot/Narrative/Setting

We know now that Elderlings come from humans; so in a lot of ways we can view humanity as an adolescent stage.

Kelsingra itself is like the adult form of Trehaug; traveling up river the water starts to run clear and the ground begins to firm.  

Growing up is hard, the physical changes take getting use to; the solid ground feels odd compared to the swinging imbalance of the last place.

Humanity is changing to survive and learning to coexist with dragons once again; the growing pains of which is it’s own social, ideological, adolescence.

I think you get my point!

No one knows exactly what they’re doing. Everyone is just making Elderling society up as they go for the most part - the beautiful self discovery and terrifying responsibility of adulthood transferred onto an entirely new race and society.  

It’s a little frustrating we won’t get to directly see the Elderling’s ascend but they’re now far too big a presence in the narrative space to not come back to, possibly even sooner than later! I’m excited to see what Fiz and The Fool has to offer me and what kind of thematic extension it may be to the end of Rain Wilds.

Because this last book feels like another set up, doesn’t it?just a little bit? It feels like Blood of Dragons is leaning into another book - but that could just be the anticlimactic tone lol.

I’m super excited to go back to Fiz and see how he’s doing and what nonsense he’ll be sucked into next but, again, it’s frustrating I won’t get to experience the keeper’s owning their choices and owning adulthood - as with Thymara I’m really pressed to see how time and age will change their views of their journey up the river and into Elderings. I don’t want to wait! Haha, silly. 

Something that was disappointing with the end of this book is that because the cast is so large it doesn't feel like a lot of people get any kind of closure for the reader, you know?  

Tats and Thymara getting the last scene made me a little worried, like maybe I misunderstood the series? I worried that maybe their relationship meant more to the narrative then I had picked up on simply because it was given the weighty place of being the last scene, whereas many loose threads among the many other characters were left dangling.

So that was a bit unsatisfying. 

But all in all most everyone got their grand (to little) moments of confirmation in who they’ve become.

Not my favorite book in the series but still a solid entry!

AND MY BABIES LIVED! Yaaayayyaayayaaaaaaaaaa *gurgle* 

Alise

Alise is off and rolling! I hope she gets the recognition she deserves for her scholarly work and I hope she continues to pursue it, just as I hope she continues to pursue her new life.

I appreciated how quickly Alise found happiness, found what she wanted, and didn’t torture herself with denying herself that happiness (unlike some Six Duchies men I know...)

Alise and Leftrin’s bond is secure and I really liked how the confrontation with Hest was at no point played for will-she-won’t-she-drama, we knew she had no remote desire to return to hest, no hesitation to cast him aside to his face. 

Alise’s total and instant shutdown of Hest was hard won on her part and I liked how it wasn’t treated in the narrative like this glorified shiny moment but rather a resented necessity. 

Captain Leftrin

The sweetest and most stoic man, partner to my favorite Liveship. 

Just a treat. <3

Sedric

Good job Sedric! Well done!

Sedric has come a long way and still has further to go.

His struggle with trying to untangle himself from what Hest shaped him into and then what of that shape he genuinely enjoys or wants to discard is interesting stuff that I wish we could have dug into a little deeper - another draw back of having such a huge cast.

Overall we leave Sedric in a good place, I get the feeling he’ll settle into a place of some importance in new Elderling society and I hope his organization and communication skills are put to good use, for his and other’s benefit. 

Precious man. 

Tats

So I’m sitting here, trying to think of what to write about for Tats and the first thing I did was think, “Well, why did Thymara want?”

Why am I thinking about Thymara when I’m trying to talk about Tats?!

That’s what’s so frustrating to me about this character! 

I. Don’t. Know. Him.

I don’t want to say Tats is boring but Tats is borning.

He is nice.

He is patient.

That’s it?

I’m indifferent to Tats and Thymara ending up together. I’m not invested in their relationship and never was, nor was I ever really sold on the non-love-triangle stuff.

And that’s why the ending of the series felt like maybe I missed something? LOL 

Like, I was sitting there going “Wait, really? We’re ending on this note with these two? Oh shit I didn’t invest right.” 

It was a weird realization! I also realized I didn’t care lol 

I think I still got plenty out of the series and understood the wider themes just fine even if the specific route of Thymara/Tats eluded me.

Highlighted Passages

She could change. She wasn’t chained to her past. She could become someone who wasn’t merely a product of what others had done to her. It wasn’t too late.

Isn’t it what humans have done for generations? We claim the land as ours and turn it to our purposes. We change the channels of rivers and the face of the land so that we can travel by boat or grow a crop or graze cattle. And we think it only natural that we should shape the whole world to be comfortable and yielding for humankind. Why should dragons be any different in how they perceive the world?

From Ronica Vestrit of the Vestrit Traders, Bingtown To Whatever Incompetent Bird Handler is accepting messages in Cassarick

Humans could never accept the world as it was and live in it. They were always breaking it and living among the shattered pieces.

She’d had to change her image of herself from the very bones out. Ultimately, she knew, it had been good for her. That did not mean she enjoyed being reminded of it.

When she ventured into her memory sampling, it was for a specific purpose and she kept her attention tightly focused on what she wanted to know, refusing all other tugs at her attention. It was like diving into deep cold water to retrieve a sparkling stone.

It was Tarman’s way, and for himself, Leftrin was grateful that his liveship was more taciturn than most. He did not think he could have enjoyed a chatterbox like the Ophelia or a moody and dramatic ship like the Paragon. But there, it was probably like it was for children. Each parent thought his was the best, and doubtless every captain would prefer his own liveship to any other.

She tried to see him impartially; was he an ugly child, doomed to be rejected by other children as he grew? She had found she could not tell. He was Ephron, her little boy, and his differences were part of who he was, not points to be compared with others.

King and queen. It made her ridiculously sad. The dreams of Malta the girl might come true even as the longings of Phron’s mother were destroyed. 

He blurted out the words and then was horrified. He had never intended to speak of it to anyone. Having someone else know about it made it real.

“There is something about knowing that someone is taking pleasure in giving you incredible pain . . . with no remorse. It changes how you see yourself; it changes what you can believe of other people. It changes everything.”

Elderlings found a way, but I do not recall the details of it. They could touch it and wear it on their hands to work their magic. It gave intent to stone, and it spoke to wood and pottery and metal, bidding it be a certain shape or react in a given way. And those things did as the Elderlings bade them. They made doorways from it, entries of stone that they used to travel to their other cities. They created buildings that stayed warm in the winter. They made roads that always remembered they were roads and did not allow plants to break them. The most powerful of them sometimes used Silver to transform themselves at death, going into the statues they made to preserve a strange sort of life for themselves.

And ridiculous red Heeby flew wherever she would, now part of the formation, now trailing it, now flying to one side. Her slender scarlet rider sang as they flew, a song of anger and vengeance, but also one that praised the beauty of angry dragons in flight and painted a glorious victory for them. Ridiculous, and ridiculous that she and the others enjoyed it so. Thymara had complained more than once about how freely the dragons used their glamour to compel their keepers to tend them. Yet not once had she ever admitted the power that human flattery and praise in song could exert over dragons. She was not the only dragon who flew with her mind full of Rapskal’s glorious images of exotically beautiful dragons triumphing over every obstacle.

But Sedric, what have you done? All will know that you . . .” “That I am what I am,” he said calmly. “I do not apologize for that. Ever.”

“I knew Hest existed. I knew you’d been his. There were times when I felt like a thief. There was a day when Sedric took me on about it, saying that I was going to ruin your whole life by loving you. Made me feel selfish and low for wanting you.” “It seems a lifetime ago.” She smiled at him. “We used to worry about such peculiar things.”

“He made no cry for vengeance when I was the one who was dying,” she observed sourly to her Elderling. “Yet let them succeed in giving him a bellyache, and he will melt all their cities with venom.”

Malta was not pleased to let him go and not only because she feared for him. No, she had wanted to be the one to ride the queen into battle.

He and Carson and Malta had had several long and philosophical conversations about how these new Elderlings might form their society. This was his first unveiled look at it, and he tried to conceal his surprise and dismay. 

Distantly he heard Davvie shouting something about “you torn-up old umbrella!” 

“You’ve seen many things in the stone, haven’t you, Tellator?” He looked at her consideringly. “I lived many things,” he replied. “And other things I know from the stone ancestors I chose for myself. If one is to be a warrior, then one chooses the accounts of warriors, to read them from the stone and to use their experience again. And so I am Tellator, but I am also the ones that Tellator incorporated into himself.”

Brashen scratched his chin and then smiled at Althea. “Changing history seems to run in your family. First Wintrow and Malta, now Selden.” He took a sip of his tea. Paragon spoke up, his voice wry. “So fortunate for you that you married the sane, responsible female in the family.” Brashen choked.

We begin a new time. Perhaps we begin with new ways.

[charlestie]

 I bet it’s the perfect time to say this nor the best way to express what my thoughts are with how I feel for the past months without HIM giving me the right explanation for just leaving me out of the bubble for the nth time. Funny tho 😂 but really, how on earth for all these years still I deserve the kind of treatment he has been showing me? A million dollar question indeed! 

For the past weeks, someone really close to me suddenly spoke with me about him and really listened to what was I have been going through. And told her truthfully with what had happened. One thing is for sure, the most important thing I had to say was that, “I Need A Closure”. But right there and then something hits me hard when she told me that.., do I really “wanna get closure” or all I want is an excuse to talk to him again in case he has had enough time to come up with the right words to say for me to settle? Ouch! That hits me really hard right in my face! 

But then later on, few weeks after that conversation, I finally realised that everything is fine now. That at least I know now that he doesn’t really want me nor need me, ever. And that finally I am in a point where this is really okay. Him not wanting me no longer breaks me like it used to. He don’t really want me and this is okay. Finally okay! I just want me and I am doing my best to like hell remember this. 

But some of you might ask what was really happened by the way? My answer is simple, I fell in love. Yes that was hella true! I did. Over and over again. Falling in love has always been such a great feeling. Am sure. It feels great to love and be loved despite of the different circumstances in life. But the love I have felt was wrong… at some point in my life before I got over it, I was afraid that I might still in love with him. I was scared that I might be empty without him, that the best parts of myself are wrapped up in the worsts parts of him. That I freakily thought that if he lets me go, I’ll look around my life and not recognise anything. That I thought if I’ll let him go, I’ll regret it, more than any choice I’ve made in my entire life. As love is complicated. As love is messy. As my love for him was way too complicated. But damn! I wasn’t empty before I met him. And damn sure I ain’t empty now. Love is about choices. So I made the choice to seek closure, to move forward instead of being stuck in his toxic orbit..

Do I even regret it? No.. not at all. Even if to a point where I know I was the one who even cared most. Sure I got hurt, sure he moved on with his heart intact like he always does whilst I’ve been picking up the pieces ever since. But well I know I get to sleep easy at night knowing that I will love again sometime. That I can really love too much. Way more better than the love I gave for him. After all, I felt like it was such a dream. That I thought he was mine, but in truth, I never even knew him. We were just vague promises and that all we had was just false hope. Honestly, I do miss what I had, but more than that, I miss the opportunity I lost all those times. I just so loved the idea of him. Anyhow, I felt so sorry that we fell for each other ( more like I fell for the idea about me and him). 

I’m sure I’m really over him that I don’t wish anything bad upon him. That I am not filled with anger anymore, and that I don’t want revenge. I am just genuinely hope he’s happy. Even if he did me wrong. That one day I hope I’ll be falling deeper in love of myself everyday. As lost is the perfect place to find myself. And so I promise myself that one day or another I am going to meet someone far better. Someone who will eventually fills my heart full of a light I couldn’t find anywhere else. And that it will all be clear as to why this had to work out the way it has. 

Hence, I forgave him. I moved on. I feel okay. I finally got the perfect closure that I needed most. As how I see him happy. Happy in his choices in life. As happy and contented with the person he is with at the moment. As happy as he finally has the right girl he has been dreaming of. That he finally found the right person to love and the right one who will love him in return wholeheartedly despite of his imperfections in life. I am truly happy for him. But more to it, I am way more happy for myself that finally, after all these time I have finally got the perfect closure that I have needed the most. 

The Perfect Closure by Charlestie  I bet it’s the perfect time to say this nor the best way to express what my thoughts are with how I feel for the past months without HIM giving me the right explanation for just leaving me out of the bubble for the nth time.

[averagemagicalgirl]

Monthly Media: July Reading Challenge

Welcome everyone to this month's media breakdown! August is coming which means its time to wrap up July. This month saw me engaged in a personal reading challenge that I'll detail a bit more below. I don't know if I would call this month productive but I came away with a new found sense of confidence in my own writing so I suppose that's a good thing! This post is LONG LONG LONG (almost 3500 words!) and contains some spoilers so feel free to save it for later if necessary!

As a little background info: one day I went to Amazon and downloaded 62 free "cozy mystery" novellas. All these novellas were first volumes of ongoing series from their respective authors. I thought July would be the perfect opportunity to sit down and read them all, naively thinking at the time I could get through all 62 in a month. I of course did not, not even close because I forgot about life and other responsibilities and I also didn't think that some of these stories would be so terribly written that it would kill my desire to read anything for a day or two for recovery purposes.

I wish I were exaggerating.

I kept notes on the books I was reading and I've rated the books on a scale of 1-5 "stars", 1 being the worst and of course 5 being the best. Out off the 11 books I finished I was pleasantly surprised to see how many I genuinely liked but there are only a few series that I would continue reading. So without further ado here are my thoughts on the 11 books (and the 6 unfinished ones) I read this month!

One O'Clock Hustle by Joanne Pence ~ 1 out of 5; I really hated this book and as a result am disinterested in reading the rest of the series it precedes. The main characters were frustratingly one sided with badly forced chemistry and in the case of our heroine, poorly justified reasons that she was behaving out of character. She's described multiple times as being "by the book" and then proceeds almost immediately afterwards to be the complete opposite of that. It defies any kind of logic as to why a proud cop such as herself would jeopardize her beloved career on someone she says repeatedly that she doesn't know well. Innocent or not her "love interest" was putting her and her career in danger and she just let him. WHY? WHY, WHY, WHY?

I don't have time to speculate anymore and feel I'm much happier throwing this one into the trash heap and never thinking about it again.

Murder in Stained Glass by Margaret Armstrong ~ 3 out of 5; I'd read more if the second volume were under $2 or free. I had to go back and consult my notes about this story because all I could remember was feeling really let down by the ending. Mostly because the protagonist summarily makes herself useless at the very end. She mentions at the last minute climax of the novella that she didn't really do anything except buy the two young people in her life a tent and isn't that enough? I'm still not sure how to take such an abrupt about-face ending. The reader gets the sense that the older heroine is making progress somewhere in her investigation (there's an almost Miss Marple-like feeling about the whole story), and then suddenly the ending HAPPENS totally out of left field (which I enjoyed) but then because of this very interesting and "random" ending the heroine has to claim she didn't do anything at all?

As someone interested in reading more potentially it was kind of a slap in the face? Perhaps I'm putting more thought into it than necessary but I just spent my time reading your story and being invested in your character and they were functionally useless this whole time? Still, if the next book were free at some point I'd most likely read it.

Killing at the Carnival by L.A. Nisula 4 out of 5; I was going over my notes for this one to see if this story genuinely deserved it's 4 out of 5 rating and I still hold that it does. There was some preexisting history between the main character and the main policeman that they don't really touch on until much, much later in the novel. I'd read more but the other volumes would have to be free or bought with gift money at some point after other purchases. I honestly really enjoyed that there wasn't a romance involved despite the fact that I could see one organically developing down the line. The characters were interesting all around and I liked that the woman worked as a typist, I thought it was a really great job for main character of the time that you wouldn't perhaps see much of.

Murder for Neptune's Trident by Victoria LK Williams ~  4 out of 5; I liked the characters and relationships in this book but it seems like it was written by someone who's more comfortable writing academically than creatively. What I mean by that is there were parts of the novel that read as very procedural and it was a very precise day by day account. It was a struggle to get through at times because parts of it were frankly boring. I would read more of this particular heroine though because I'm genuinely curious as to how she'd find herself in a similar situation. The story itself was so organic and natural in how it came to be and the heroine's reactions were BEAUTIFULLY believable like, she endeared herself to me immediately due to her very personal and realistic reactions to what was happening around her. My hopes for further reading would be that the author hits her stride and that the books become a little less precise and enjoy some extra fluidity.

Better off Wed by Laura Durham ~ 5 out of 5; One of the most endearing things about this story for me had to be the characters. The plot was well written/executed so that was a plus on top of just really feeling this aura of "fun" around the heroine and her friends. That being said I was mildly disappointed in the heroine being another one of those "no makeup/fussy" types because I've read a million of them and like...why anymore? BUT I DIGRESS. Having everything revolving around the life of a wedding planner was really interesting and different (most of the stories I downloaded seemed to involve baking???). I'm certainly keen to read more from this author about these characters. Well-paced and believable, I didn't have to bend over backwards trying to make sense of things going on.

Baking is Murder by Kathy Cranston ~ 4 out of 5; A really nice, romance free story with good character development and not a bad plot. It's a bit unpolished, I definitely had a hard time accepting certain things about the story but I enjoyed it so much anyway  that I have a hard time giving it less than a 4. It's quick paced which is nice considering it's length and we finally got to see some BAKING! Oddly enough this was the only one I got through this month that included baking but I know I downloaded at least 5 or 6 novellas that either include baked good on the cover or have baking/cooking mentioned in the title. I still have a hard time believing most of the heroine's behavior was acceptable but I will admit that perhaps my "suspension-of-disbelief-o-meter" was very stressed by the time I started reading this book.

Two Tocks before Midnight by Clay Boutwell ~ 5 out of 5; A wonderful little story. This reads as a stand alone even though it's part of a larger series and I'm excited at the idea of there being more of these great little short stories running around. The main characters were older men involved in a society and I thought the plot and it's execution were quite well written. I'm certainly interested in reading more. They use some misdirection as well as later some dramatic letter writing that doesn't amount to anything but we get closure for it.

Nocturne for a Widow by Amanda Dewees ~ 5 out of 5; This book was a little strange for me because about a third of the way through I realized that it was a proper ghost story, which I wasn't fond of. I thought it was going to be more of a horror type situation but the story itself turned out to be pretty low-key in that regard. However, it's a very dramatic story with a lot of intense emotions constantly playing out. The love story at least felt organic in the way that only melodramtic Victorian stories can, which of course meant that the would-be lovers hated each other in the beginning and then were madly in love by the end. Still, not a terrible book and I did genuinely like the characters so I've made plans to eventually buy the other books in the series.

Peril at the Pink Lotus by Alice Simpson~ 5 out of 5; Originally I think I felt that this was a 4 out of 5 story but I couldn't give myself a good reason as to why I felt that way and so made it a 5. I enjoyed the main character and the story's pacing. Nothing in particular stands out to me either from memory or my notes which I think is okay sometimes. Not everything has to have one memorable part. As I look over my notes again I see that I liked how it ended and mentioned that it felt really natural given the way the story had been written. I do remember being surprised about something in the conclusion but in a good way. I would certainly read more.

Cinderella and the Dead Fella by Sue Heffer ~ 1 out of 5; Simply put this is a BADLY written piece of work. It reads like a super rough first draft with grammatical errors and plot inconsistencies. When I first finished it I had a lot of unkind things to say and then I spent the next few hours thinking about it and realized that the plot itself was a decent premise with the poisoning of a victim to the point where they start to behave questionably and is thought to be mentally incompetent. However, the execution of this plot was just SO VERY BAD.

It's very easy to say unkind things about this novel and I'm trying not to because unlike some of the other novels I read that I disliked I had this nagging feeling that this particular story was written by someone very new to writing. I went back to the Amazon page to try and find some more information about it but discovered that within a month the book was no longer available for download. My sincere hope is that the author removed it to polish it up, I think in time it could be a good story with interesting characters but it's not there yet.

The Art and Craft of Murder by Cozy Cat Parker ~ 5 out of 5; I don't have much to say about this book beyond that it was a good little read with the perfect amount of suspense. Decently written with an endearing main character and interesting secondary characters. I would definitely be interested in reading more from this author. There were some questions I had about the protagonists past but not nagging need to know type questions. I feel like the situation in which it will come up in the future will happen organically and I'm okay with that.

Murder in the House of Beads by Mary Jane Forbes ~ 1 out of 5; THIS BOOK JESUS WEPT. I think I might actually hate it. As I always strive to be honest, had this book continued the way it started I probably would have given it a 3 star rating. I might have been tempted to read another book in the series if I could get it for cheap or free; but it didn't. Somewhere around the 50% mark (according to my Kindle) the narrative NOSEDIVED HARD. I would have put it down but it took me another 10% of progress before I realized that something had gone horribly wrong with the story. By then I was so close to finishing it I thought it would be ridiculous to put it down. It was like the proverbial train wreck you can't look away from.

One my biggest issues with the story was a subplot that revolved around a secondary character named Wendy, a teenage girl. It didn't add anything to the story. Towards the end she was kidnapped and locked in the truck of a car to die and for what? Nothing. She could have been omitted at any point, or replaced with one of the other main characters. So naturally to me it reads as very antagonistic towards this young woman for literally no reason and I feel like whoever edited the volume really did the story and the readers a disservice by including the subplot as presented. Not my favorite book by any stretch. It didn't help that the last half of the book was sloppily written either. If you ask nicely I might share my VERY ANGRY notes about it.

THE UNFINISHED

I want to point out that I was looking forward to all these books when I started them for various reasons and that I might still finish a few of them at a later date. Some of them I deleted permanently out of my Kindle because I had no interest in going back to them. My mother gave me a great piece of advice that I'd honestly never considered before: "Life's too short to read shitty books," and wow is that honestly life changing.

Life's a Beach then You Die by Falafel Jones ~ Unfinished; When I realized this book was written from a male perspective I was definitely interested because I was (still am) under the impression that most of the cozy genre was feminine. Our hero is a former forensic computer guy who's just retired to live in I wanna say Florida. Of course he takes a private case involved in a suspicious circumstance which set his plot up predictably but not unforgivably. Honestly I put this book down because it was boring.

In it's defense this was the second to last book I picked up this month and had already read through some other questionable narratives. It was incredibly detailed and procedural and I feel bad saying it was boring because the information is relevant to the story in a small way and also because the author was trying to do a service for the reader. However, it doesn't make up for the fact that it failed to grab my attention in any kind of memorable way. I will most likely pick this up again in a few weeks to see if I feel the same way after reading some well loved classics.

Louisiana Longshot by Jana DeLeon ~ Unfinished; OH THIS BOOK MADE ME SO ANGRY. I was SO irritated I went to Amazon just to read why other people also disliked it. My particular ire was the result of realizing that I HATE the overused trope of "I'm a COP/SPY/SECRET AGENT not a WOMAN" passionately. The main character claiming that the former beauty queen librarian who knits (whom she's supposed to be undercover as) "has single-handedly set the women's movement back ten years." and then asks if she can "kill her next". These are literal quotes from the book and there is no indication that she's joking. If I had had the book physically in my hand I would have launched it across the room. I have no time in my life anymore for characters like that, there's nothing funny, cute or endearing about it.

In addition to a now awful main character I refused to be invested in, the plot itself was OVERLY convenient and very suspect. Less than 10 pages in and I already felt my suspension of disbelief being abused. So this one would definitely count as a "ragequit" as the kids say and I passionately refuse to read it further.

The Obituary Society by Jessica L. Randall ~ Unfinished; I was irritated when I put this book down and now that I'm looking at it again and through my scant notes about it I'm not sure why. I remember being irritated with the main character but not for any unforgivable reasons, I think it had to do with how the story was progressing because it wasn't doing a very good job at keeping me interested. I do plan on picking this one up again in the future because there's really no GREAT reason not to.

Murder, Curlers & Cream by Arlene Mcfarlane ~ Unfinished; Something I ran into a lot when reading these novellas is that SEVERAL authors seem to enjoy hinting at an event happening in the past to set up something about the current story, or to reveal something about the character. As a literary device that's acceptable, however many of them seem unwilling to go into much more detail and it's VERY irritating. In this case we learn IMMEDIATELY through an incredibly insensitive detective that the main character might have been involved in some kind of crime related mystery solving before. We get pieces of information after that but not much.

I have one note on this book at 30 pages in which means on some level I must have been enjoying it or was engaged enough to forget about keeping notes at the time. So in this case there might have been something about the main character herself that wasn't interesting me at the time so I put the book down. In a lot of these books I remember just being irritated at the way they were being written, like an overly far-fetched plot device that seems incredibly out of left field and unconnected to the story but also inconceivably linked to the future somehow.

The Corpse in the Cabana by Shea Mcleod ~ Unfinished; This book will remain unfinished because the heronine did not endear herself to me in a timely manner. She's intensely unlikable. The writing was also rather inconsistent and confusing in a lot of areas. Going back over my notes I can see that even though I was about 10%-20% into the novella I already had several things that were causing me consternation. It seemed better to cut my losses than continue reading something that was already irritating me and not enjoyable.

What was especially annoying was that the heroine is supposed to be a romance novelist who writes racy bodice rippers and while I can understand thinking certain words (like 'bang') are uncouth, her character balked at even saying the word sex, IN HER OWN DAMN HEAD. Is that necessary? It certainly seems out of character, especially from what we've experienced already.

Armed & Outrageous by Madison Johns ~ Unfinished; I'm still not sure if I'll ever pick this one up again or not. I've saved this one for last because I'm having a hard time putting into words what exactly made me put this book down. I didn't necessarily hate the characters, or think the plot was TOO off track for a cozy mystery, but I think it had a lot to do with how the writer presented our heroines. There was also a creepiness factor in the story that rubbed me the wrong way and not in a "supernatural" creepy way just...creepy in general. It's so hard to explain how uncomfortable the story made me and the only reason I'm reluctant to ditch it from my life is that I'm not sure if I picked it up again in a month if I'd feel the same way.

Reading other (not so positive) reviews on Amazon helped put it in a bit more perspective after the fact but I'm still unsure if I'm willing to leave it. I've decided to wait it out and see if the next time I pick it up to continue reading I start to feel the same way.

THE WRAP UP

It doesn't escape me that most of the books I disliked got more wordage than the ones I did like and the honest reason for that is that if I was engaged enough in the story itself I didn't note anything. I was willing to forgive certain things in the narrative if I was compelled enough to keep going. None of these books were perfect but a few were definitely better than others. I still  have a lot of books to go but I think for my personal sanity I'm going to read them sparingly between other books of substance and personal interest.

See you next month!