#i genuinely can't believe it's a year but i guess that's how time works huh :')

[perexcri]

happy one year to her and one of my better opening lines for a fic <3

now, because i'm curious:

[tonyspank]

PROLOGUE | RECKLESS

Tara Carpenter x G!P Reader x Female OC

Warnings: mentions of zombies, angst i guess, and that's it i think

A/N: Iris’s faceclaim is Olivia!!

series masterlist | main masterlist | next chapter

"Happy Birthday!" You shout with a huge smile on your face as you hold out a beautifully wrapped gift. Iris's face lights up, her mouth opening in shock.

She quickly takes the gift from your hands and thanks you with genuine excitement. Her eyes sparkle with joy as she eagerly begins to unwrap the present, unable to contain her curiosity and anticipation.

Heather, your girlfriend's sister, records the two of you, capturing the genuine happiness in Iris's eyes and the love between the two of you. Heather's smile mirrors Iris's excitement as she records this special birthday memory, ensuring it will be cherished for years to come.

"Oh my god. You're lying!" Iris exclaims, her voice filled with disbelief and overwhelming happiness. She looks at you, searching for confirmation, her heart pounding with excitement.

"From our first date..." She says, her voice barely above a whisper. She lifts the neckless, which holds a crystal in its pendent.

The crystal catches the light, shimmering with a brilliance that matches the sparkle in Iris's eyes. It is a symbol of your journey together, a reminder of the love and connection you have shared since that very first date.

As Iris holds it in her hands, she can't help but feel overwhelmed by the depth of emotion and meaning behind this heartfelt gift.

Iris brings you into a warm embrace, holding you tightly as tears of joy stream down her face. She whispers, "Thank you so much." You rub her back gently, goosebumps appearing on your skin at her touch.

During this moment, you realize that this gift has not only brought happiness to Iris but has also strengthened the bond between the two of you, solidifying your love for each other even more.

As you both stand there, wrapped in each other's arms, time seems to stand still. The weight of the moment fills the room, and you can't help but be grateful for this deep connection you share with Iris.

"You guys are too cute!" Iris's mom speaks up, admiring the scene before her. Her words break the spell, causing both of you to chuckle and blush. You pull apart from your girlfriend, exchanging smiles, both feeling happier than ever.

"Come, come, it's time to blow out the candles." Iris's mom gestures towards the birthday cake on the table, adorned with flickering candles. You both walk over, still basking in the warmth of the moment, and join the rest of the family in celebrating Iris's special day.

Iris sends you the world's biggest smile as she blows out the candles, her eyes sparkling with joy.

Little did you know, that smile would become a distant memory.

But when you were in that moment, surrounded by loved ones and with Iris's infectious happiness, you couldn't help but believe that together, you could conquer anything.

"I hate you!" Iris yells, her once joyful eyes now filled with anger and frustration. That special day feels like a distant dream now. You shake your head, lifting out a hand to calm your girlfriend down. "You don't mean that. C'mon, babe." You reply, your voice quivering with every word.

Iris's lips tremble as tears start to stream down her face. The weight of her words hangs heavy in the air, leaving a painful silence between you. It's in moments like these that you realize how fragile love can be and how much work it takes to mend a broken heart.

"How could you?" She whispers. "Why didn't you tell me about it, Y/N?" You feel a lump form in your throat as guilt washes over you. "I didn't want to hurt you," you say, your voice barely audible.

"I was scared of losing you, but I realize now that keeping it from you was even worse." She just shakes her head at your words.

"What was going to happen in the next couple of months, huh? You we're just going to leave without telling me?" Tears well up in her eyes as she continues, "I thought we were supposed to be a team, Y/N. How could you not trust me enough to share your plans with me?"

You're silent. You reach out to hold her trembling hands, desperately hoping to convey the depth of your regret and the realization of the damage caused by your lack of communication.

"I didn't know how you were going to take it! Fuck, Iris! I love you, and being here with you has been the happiest moments of my life, but you can't expect me to want to sit around all day. I want to be something... I wanna go to college; venture out into the world!" You agrue back, your voice filled with a mix of frustration and determination.

"So, you were just going to leave the country? Leave me behind?" Iris says, her voice lower and softer than before. You take a deep breath, throwing your head back. "I was going to tell you."

"At the last second?" She asks, her strong gaze never breaking from yours. "Iris, I didn't mean to keep it from you. I was scared of how you would react," you admit, your voice tinged with regret. "But I want you to understand that this is something I need to do for myself. It's not about leaving you behind, it's about pursuing my dreams and finding my own path in life."

"Y/N..." she whispers, stepping closer to you. "I never loved anyone as much as I love you." Her hands find yours, causing you to relax. "You could've told me. I don't wanna lose you."

You pull her into a gentle embrace, "I'm sorry," you say softly. "I don't want to lose you either."

Those few months passed faster than you expected. During that time, you made sure to cherish every moment with her, knowing that soon you would have to embark on your own journey. As the days flew by, you couldn't help but feel a mix of excitement and sadness for what lies ahead.

Of course you'd miss her. She was truly the love of your life. But you also knew that this journey was something you needed to do for yourself—to grow and explore the world outside of your comfort zone. And deep down, you hoped that distance wouldn't weaken the bond you shared with her.

As you sit in the back of an Uber with your bags in the truck, making your way to the airport, you can't help but reflect on the memories you have created together. From the late-night conversations to the spontaneous adventures, every moment with her shaped who you are today.

You remember the laughter and tears you shared, the support she provided during your toughest times, and the way she always believed in your dreams. Even the one you were creating now.

Sweet / I Thought You Wanted To Dance, which plays on the Uber's radio, is interrupted by a loud alarm. Confused, you look up from your phone and notice the flashing lights and a different siren alarm passing by your Uber, indicating an emergency situation. Your heart races as you wonder what could be happening, hoping that it's nothing too serious.

Your eyes snap back towards the radio, "Attention, citizens! This is an emergency broadcast issued by local authorities. We are facing an unprecedented threat to our community. Reports indicate a widespread outbreak of a virus that is reanimating the deceased and turning them into flesh-hungry creatures. These are extremely dangerous and pose a significant risk to human life. --"

"-- Please remain indoors and lock all doors and windows. Do not attempt to confront or engage with any infected individuals. Emergency services are currently overwhelmed, and it is crucial that you stay calm and await further instructions. Stay tuned to this broadcast for updates on evacuation procedures and safe zones."

Iris. That's all that went through your mind in that moment. Was she safe? Was she going to be okay? You sit up in your seat, "Turn around!" You shout at the Uber driver, desperate to get back to your apartment as quickly as possible.

"I don't think—" You interject, gripping the passenger seat in front of you tighter. "Turn around!"

The Uber driver hesitates for a moment, but seeing the dread in your eyes, he quickly makes a U-turn and heads back towards your apartment.

Thoughts of Iris's safety consume your mind as you anxiously pray for her well-being. Time feels like it's moving in slow motion as you desperately hope to reach her before anymore danger unfolds.

When you arrived at your apartment building, it felt like a dead zone. No sign of life anywhere. The eerie silence amplifies your fear, and you can't help but wonder what could have happened to Iris. As you rush out of the car, your heart pounding in your chest, you frantically scan the surroundings for any clue or trace of her presence.

You run to your apartment door, your heart dropping as it's wide open. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." You mutter to yourself, searching room to room for your girlfriend. Every step you take echoes through the empty hallways, adding to the haunting atmosphere.

The sound of your own breath fills the air, intensifying the feeling of dread that grips you. Your mind races with possibilities, each one more terrifying than the last. As you reach the last room, a chilling realization washes over you, there is no sign of Iris anywhere.

You sprint as fast as you can. Running through the open front door and scan the desolate street, desperately hoping to catch a glimpse of her familiar figure. Panic sets in as you realize she is nowhere in sight, leaving you with a sinking feeling of helplessness.

Again. You find yourself sprinting, but everything's different now. You've adjusted to a world where the dead walk, and you're not sprinting in search of your missing girlfriend, but in the safety of your life as a large herd of walkers follow behind you.

Your heart pounds in your chest as you navigate through the abandoned streets, constantly on edge. The once bustling city now lies in ruins, with crumbling buildings and streets littered with debris.

The silence is only broken by the shuffling footsteps of the undead behind you, a constant reminder of the world's grim reality.

You break through an alley, which leads to a forest. The dense foliage offers a temporary respite from the chaos and decay of the city. As you enter the forest, the air becomes crisp and filled with the scent of earth and pine.

The sunlight filters through the canopy, casting dappled shadows on the forest floor, providing a glimmer of hope amidst the darkness that surrounds you.

Yet you keep sprinting. Run. Run. Run. The sound of your pounding footsteps echoes through the trees, pushing you to keep going and outrun the horrors that lurk behind. Your heart races in your chest, fueled by adrenaline and the desperate need to find safety.

You try to stop in your tracks as you realize you're being cut off by another herd of walkers that slowly but surely make their way towards you.

Panic sets in as you frantically search for an escape route, your mind racing to find a solution. The sound of their moans grows louder, urging you to make a split-second decision that could mean life or death.

Shit! You feel something grab onto you, sending a jolt of fear through your body. You turn around to see a walker reaching out, its decaying fingers inches away from your face. Instinctively, you fight back, desperately pushing it away and breaking free from its grasp.

Suddenly, a shot rings through the air, and the walker falls down. You spin around, searching for the source of the shot but finding no one. A branch breaks north-west of you, causing you to tense up.

You realize that you're not alone and that there may be more danger lurking nearby. Your heart races as you weigh your options, unsure of whether to investigate or quickly make your escape.

But it's revealed to be a dark-haired girl, "Hurry! This way, now." You hesitate for a moment, unsure if you can trust her. However, her urgency and the fact that she might have just saved your life convinces you to follow her lead.

Without wasting any more time, you sprint towards her, grateful for the unexpected help in this dangerous situation.

[guardian-instincts-bad]

okay none of this is new information but as usual i am thinking about gorrik and arenanet just. really never considered the timeline of his life and the implications of that at all, huh

like, okay, for eod you needed him to have a relationship to ankka and you needed ankka to have connections to the aetherblades, so you threw them both in thaumanova, fine

except. thaumanova. which blew up in 1324.

and no, we don't have a canon age for gorrik. but we know taimi's age, that she was friends with blish, and that blish is older than gorrik

now. taimi didn't know that the brothers had joined the inquest. which means either they'd kept it a secret from her, or more likely, it happened after they lost touch

taimi was born in 1313, meaning that the absolute oldest she could have been when she last saw them, is ten

now sure, taimi skipped a couple years, she's a prodigy even among asura - but age really matters when you're in single digits. for blish to be a friend, rather than a mentor, he can't be much older than maybe four years above her? i'd put that as the reasonable upper limit, they could be closer

(i'd also honestly guess that gorrik is a bit younger than taimi, given a) how much he looks up to blish, and b) that taimi prior to s4 only thought of him as blish's weird little brother, they weren't friends. and again, at that young, age matters - if you're 7, your friend is 10, and his little brother is 8 or 9, your first connection to him is probably not "oh, the little brother", because he's not little to you)

but assuming im wrong on all of that, just going back to our facts, that puts gorrik at the most about 2-3 years older than taimi

which means that the age we're looking at, for joining the inquest, thaumanova, all the stuff with ankka... he was somewhere between 9 and 13. could be even younger but im giving him the benefit of the doubt

gorrik says he never thought about ankka romantically and i believe him, but if there was ever anything there from her side, it was definitely a kiddie's first crush kinda thing, like oh we are a boy and a girl who are best friends clearly this is what romance means

because both of them were so fucking young

god knows spending her teenage years in the aetherblades was not great for ankka's everything, and by the time we find gorrik and blish in bug in the system, they've been working for the inquest for at least 8 years

that's almost half his life, at that point. working for an organisation that the thaumanova fractal and rata primus make incredibly clear does not value the lives of its workers in any way at all - they'll feed you to their latest experiment just for standing there, and gorrik wasn't just keeping his head down and going along with it, gorrik was actively sabotaging their research when he morally disagreed with it

(and this isn't even getting into why they joined the inquest in the first place, which i will bet anything i own on being because of blish's illness and needing the technology to save him)

and to their credit, i do think this comes across in bug in the system! because if you go back to early gorrik, first half of s4, having played through the rest of the story? the difference is shocking, like he is so distrusting and snide and defensive as hell of his brother, he talks like he expects you to attack him or blish at any moment

but then they never do anything with that ever again, and like, i love all the new gorrik content, genuinely i do, but arenanet there are layers to this character that you have entirely forgotten about, and god i wish we had a story that actually explored that

[oatflatwhite]

HI LIZ plz may I trouble you to share any thoughts at all about mota 🎤

OF COURSE

ok so we're only a couple eps in but i am already <333 about so many of the characters. bucky and crosby especially my beloveds. i really love all the comparisons being drawn between bucky/nix buck/winters and crosby/webster but i also love how the mota boys are distinctly their own characters. i don't want to say they're cocky and full of themselves because like... some of the easy boys are too lmao. but it's a very different dynamic between the characters than i'm used to seeing in the other hbo war shows and i am living for it

on that note i was a bit wary about most of our main charas being officers but after 2 eps i don't mind a bit! honestly sometimes it's hard to tell rank with all their goddamn fleece lmao but i love how despite being a literal honest to god major bucky is still so chaotic. bless him. the singing scene took me out, and the bike race when they crashed and he and buck were like pulling at each other's clothes to try and get in the lead before the air raid siren went off..... cinema.

can't believe they called out the heavy petting <3 the raf boys are just like me fr <3

crosby is such a silly goose thank you for the silly goose representation. he really works as the narrator and i love him bc he is genuinely so relatable, my overthinking bestie. also him still being starry eyed over his wife signing her name mrs jean crosby oh my word.......... it's giving harry dragging his reserve chute halfway around europe for kitty's wedding dress <333

i also really love the variety of characters/roles in the war they're showing! there's obviously more scope to do that than in bob but also it's a different television landscape and i am so excited to see ncuti on my screen <3 i hope we get a lot more of lemmons too! i can't remember who made the post but someone compared him to doc roe and i was like OH that's why i liked him so much uh huh uh huh. so true. also NINETEEN YEARS OLD?

i had a hard time adjusting to austin butler in ep 1 but he really pulled through in ep 2 for me and i'm very keen to see where he takes the character! and i have LOVED callum turner since channel 4's glue (which i watched a fucking decade ago but still think about bc of how powerful it was and he was in it) and he is absolutely killing bucky. it's giving nix without impulse control. honestly all the cast are amazing, the only one i really struggle with still is isabel may as buck's gf......... i literally cannot see her as anyone but katie from alexa and katie, so in my mind she's literally still a 15 year old girl. but who knows, she could win me over in the future

the score and title sequence are so good too!!! the pacific still has my absolute fav opening titles and band is second but even though the score is obviously new it still feels a bit... nostalgic, i guess? similar vibes to the other shows and i am HERE for the way it makes me feel <3

there's like so much more but that's all i can put into words rn. cannot WAIT for the rest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[creativeafterdark]

Chapter 8

So unfortunately this week I have no sketches for the chapter due to slight burn out and work related reasons (also I had completely forgotten we get introduced to the pilgrims minus Sanzang in this chapter and their designs are anything but ready). As a result, I'm just going to write my thoughts.

@journeythroughjourneytothewest

First things first: Guanyin. I love Guanyin. They're just so calm about being attacked by two monsters and letting Hui'an handle combat. It also shows the sheer difference in strength between the four disciples, after seeing the trouble that he went through fighting Sun Wukong. Guanyin is a true being of mercy, not really making a big fuss out of being attacked and I commend them for it, I would be chewing Zhu and Sha's heads off. Though the "Perhaps in Two or Three Years" answer they gave the great Immortal, I'll need to pay attention to how much time passes to see if that's accurate (but I recall the full journey takes 14 years? Correct me if I'm wrong).

Next up: Sha Wujing. So after I'd previously read the Abridged Version, I was utterly confused as to why the Jade Emperor was petty enough to punish this poor man for BREAKING A CUP. Then I found a comic by antidotefortheawkward that explained how breaking a cup could be seen as a signal to attack. And I was like "...ah. That makes more sense now." Still a little petty, not hearing him out, but it made sense that it would be his first thought. Especially if he was cast out AFTER Sun Wukong's Havoc. I don't think we got a clear answer on that timeline (again feel free to correct me!). Even if he did eat people, I still love this pilgrim and can't wait for his chapter.

Next: Zhu Wuneng, aka Zhu Bajie. Quick to lower his weapon for a woman, lol. Jokes aside, it seems as though he's very unlucky with women (and vice versa). There is his flirting with the Moon Goddess (which is still unclear if it was consensual or unwelcomed, that would change my opinion of how this all went down), him killing his new form's mother and siblings (I've heard people say human flesh tastes like pork, so I guess that's where he got the taste for it, huh?), and the death of Second Elder Sister Egg (and him getting all her stuff). Unlike Sha Wujing, it does feel like Zhu Wuneng was begging a lot more for mercy. But Guanyin chose to believe his intent as being genuine, so he will be the next disciple.

Next: OUR DRAGON BOY. I'm gonna call him Bai Longma, as that's the name most know him by. I feel out of all of these, his punishment was the most unfair, and the fact that his father went to the Jade Emperor and seemed to be just fine with a DEATH SENTENCE honestly kills me. Like, I feel as though everyone was so on edge after Sun Wukong that punishments just amped up. I am glad Guanyin immediately jumped to his defense, and as a result got Sanzang a much better mount than any old horse.

And finally: Sun Wukong. Our old monkey. And the start of my favorite relationship in the story (the friendship between Guanyin and Wukong). Sun Wukong is still very bitter of Tathagata's trick but appears willing to do what he must to get free, though knowing what I do, I'm already thinking "Uh huh. Sure. Whatever you say, Great Sage" in a sarcastic tone. But that's for another chapter.

And with that, Guanyin continues their own journey to Chang'an to find our Tang Sanzang.

All in all, a very short but important chapter, setting the stage for journey and meeting the key players.

I probably will be doing more writing than drawing for the next few chapters (minus the intro to Sanzang), to both get off this burn out and because I don't recall any characters that show up more in the story aside from these chapters, so I don't see a point in making a design for them.

[musette22]

Minnie!!

Just dropping into your inbox to wish you the very happiest of birthdays!! 💖🎉 I hope your day has been amazing, fun, and filled with all the lovely things you deserve, and I am sending you so many good wishes for an incredible year!! 🌻

I am, as always, so glad to be in this fandom at the same time as you, and I am so, so excited to read your new Stucky fic!!

Happy Birthday!! I hope it’s a truly wonderful one! 💞

Saša, honey! 💕🥰 Thank you so much, you're genuinely the sweetest!!! My day was a bit hectic with work and celebrations, but overall it was definitely a good one 💗 Can't believe I'm another year older, but I guess that's how it goes huh 😅 I hope your day has been wonderful too!!!

And for the record, I happen to feel the exact same way about sharing a fandom with you, you lovely, talented human. So very glad to have met you on here! Sending lots of love and hugs your way!! 💫🌻💛

[zalrb]

the summer i turned pretty 2x06 review -- no, i swear, tho, conrad was just sad...

Episode 6, the episode anons have wanted me to watch.

"I don't know I'm kind of happy here" after one day. THE MAGIC OF COUSINS.

"I know things are not great right now but it's always darkest before the dawn, right?" Why make him speak in cliches?

Cam Cameron WHY. ARE YOU HERE?

I like how Belly could've just said "We should throw a party" but because we're supposed to understand the closeness of these families through dialogue alone she has to say it in a roundabout way so she can talk about a memory of her mom and Susannah that Conrad and Jeremiah should already know if it's like they all grew up together 3 months out of the year.

This zen conversation with Steven and Conrad is legit like the first real conversation I've witnessed on this show.

This volleyball conversation is so forced.

"Your subconscious brain takes you there" You can just say subconscious, Jere. Who wrote this.

Oh look, ANOTHER taylor swift song. jesus christ.

I think I got a few requests to do a vid to this song and I remember just not getting over "is it chill that you're in my head?" because I thought it sounded like when you go to the thesaurus and look up synonyms for "cool".

They're both trickling their hands in the water, are their fingers going to touch and it's going to be ELECTRICITY?

Yes.

But this is her I FEEL THE ELECTRICITY face

You know, we can't even consistently stay here

at marginal almost kind of chemistry

"I'll come too!" Taylor's "Uh huh" is the only time I've marginally liked her.

You can't scoff at him calling her his muse with your cliched valedictorian speech, Steven.

LOOK AT MY FAKE I.D. k.

"Wooooooow, your I.D. didn't work Mr. Herbertson??" "Fuck off, at least I have one" oh my god, a moment between them that ACTUALLY sounded genuine. I am amazed. It will most likely die of loneliness.

And Jumper laughing then pointing at the sign is legitimately the only funny moment I've seen throughout this entire season.

BELLY WILL SAVE THE DAY. SHE WILL GET THE BOOZE. BECAUSE SHE IS BELLY. AND IT IS THE SUMMER SHE TURNED PRETTY.

She doesn't even sound sincere.

i am laughing so hard, this is the first time i've read rap on this show and it's because SHE'S SO GANGSTER SHE GOT THE BOOZE BECAUSE SHE'S BELLY.

Conrad asserting his dominance after Belly got Jeremiah a drink but not him one by drinking from Belly's straw is actually pretty funny though. It would be better if Belly wasn't so ... herself.

I love that Skye and Cam Cameron are the ship I care about the most (and I'm using the word 'care' SO loosely).

"The sacred emergency Amex??" It went back to being phony.

I can't deal with more Taylor and Steven.

And she'll put the boa around him because this show loves cliches.

And Jeremiah will see because this show loves cliches.

"Belly, you don't have to apologize for that" she kind of does though. She was kind of completely terrible.

Girl, you can shrug and shake your head all you want, it doesn't compensate for a lack of emotion in your face or voice.

And he's blinking trying to find his well of emotion and that shit is dry, my friend.

It's not like he was kissing Aubrey, it's not even like they were hugging, he had his head in her lap and you can say "teenager" all you want but this is ridiculous.

This is also the closest they've come to executing what they want with these two and it's still not done well but when he says "Aubrey was just the one who found me I wish it was you" I can at least say I believe that.

There we go.

So I'm guessing she's supposed to have this cosmic, soulful, reach into each other's soul connection with Conrad and a fun, chemistry-filled familiarity with Jeremiah. I've just seen both things done properly so this is just very big shrug.

I was going to say something about the 'how to kiss' conversation but then I was like, lol there are too many youths on my blog. So, moving on.

"I always hated when Mom made us take these pictures but it's like she knew we'd want them later" yes, Jeremiah, that's the purpose of a picture. He would annoy me less if they stopped giving him asinine lines.

"Looking at you mooning over Conrad" "That was a LONG time ago" how long ago was this break up, Belly?

she's saying the same thing twice. That's just called moving on. What it should be is "mourning your past and moving on in the present" or "remembering your past and moving on in the present" or "celebrating your past and moving on in the present" or "appreciating your past and moving on in the present". WHO. WROTE. THIS.

So Jere is Dean and Conrad is Jess, which anon essentially told me. Except Conrad is nowhere near as bad as Jess. He is just a boy who's been sad. LMAO.

she needs to be stopped.

"I don't want to talk about Conrad, he really hurt you" BY BEING SAD?

"You don't need to hurt yourself to get my attention" that was almost hot but he lacks the conviction necessary for me to be like ... sir ... and they don't actually have the i-need-to-jump-your-bones tension they need to have

"Just don't fucking break her heart again." He was quiet at prom. I...

OK so I'm really on neither side here because I don't care but there is a bit of a difference between Conrad telling Jere to suck it up and let him be with Belly, which was insensitive, and Jeremiah about to make out with his brother's ex girlfriend in public.

"When things aren't perfect instead of trying to fix it, he decides to throw it away" but we literally never see him do that?? Like he leaves Brown to go to the house to stop the sale, he's like Liam or whoever, he got a judge to let him access the trust, let's do that. Jeremiah did you think of anything you could do to help save this house except bring flowers to Julia, which failed, or did you just go let's not give up every time reality hit? Because even the "let's get Syke on our side" plan was Belly's? Idk dude, you're talking a big game for a character who I've seen be effectively useless??

"When shit got tough, he couldn't handle it and he dropped you", he literally said he couldn't go to back to the prom and Belly was like LET'S BREAK UP THEN and then he tried to be like wait that's not what I mean and Belly refused to listen?

I ... WHAT?

See, this isn't a blowup. This is a very contained, very quiet fight and this is when it's supposed to be a dirty OH SHIT fight. We should get a version of this, GET IN HIS FACE JERE

rail up on him

be specific

don't be afraid to have a fight! Not to mention I can't believe this fight because like 98% of the things he's accusing Conrad of, I don't think Conrad actually did, that would make him too much an active character. He is literally just a guy who's been sad.

And I know they hinted that Jeremiah has to deal with stuff because he was putting together Susannah's receipts or whatever but this is when juxtaposition would work where we see him see her wither away, we see him give her ice chips, we see him take care of her and Conrad is with Belly or at school.

Belly, why are YOU drunk? omg, at least Marissa's drama was FUN.

"I'm not leaving you, Belly." "But you already did!" I mean DID HE? And he also explained WHAT happened with Aubrey?

Someone said Conrad is like a ticking time bomb but what happens when he explodes because I haven't seen it. I've just seen him be sad.

And ALSO THIS SHOULD HAVE THIS KIND OF ENERGY

Belly, you are actually a ridiculous person

If they really wanted me to believe that Conrad was slipping away little by little throughout their relationship then they can't just leave that up to prom and a voiceover. I needed to see him actively shut her out, I needed to see her actively try to talk to him and him refusing to let her in. I needed to see him be Jess. Otherwise, this is RIDICULOUS.

Oh good, you know what I needed now? Another Taylor Swift song.

And then Belly turns around and kisses/chooses Jeremiah after this? BRO. WHY DO EITHER OF YOU LIKE HER?

[literaila]

Addressing your tags first and foremost because thank goodness. I was beginning to wonder if I was showing up a little too much in your notifs. I'd be embarrassed if I had any shame but I'm a proud lover of your works, what can I say? Catch me reading an update in my bed and hour before work at like 6am. Liked. Reblogged to my sideblog. Framed. Next.

7 years, my goodness. I'll perhaps have to reconsider, gojo is not worth it 😪 I wish I had an appetite for angst like I used to but alas, I can no longer tolerate the feeling of someone reaching inside me to coil my stomach around their calloused hands and rip it out of me. It's just now how I like to spend any random Tuesday, you know? I prefer the cushioning of fluff. But I guess that's personal preferences for you. You do angst well. Just try not to go for my stomach next time~

Old men and philosophy. Put us in a room and we'll be pulling revelations from the sky.

If its already on its way, I shall prepare the shrine. Visits on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Paid entry.

Your puppy sounds like the grudge she holds against gojo is personal. Can't fault her for that tbh, he's definitely done something wrong and she knows it.

This is why people around him are violent. Bless yuuji, still blinded with his admiration (who can blame him)

no i’m almost tempted to plead you for more. tell me about your headaches, tell me if you find a typo in something i���ve typed, tell me if you happen upon a choso hoodie like i do every couple of days, tell me if your flowers die and you have to throw them out. i will take the blandest of crumbs, the smallest of facts. whatever you want, really.

catch me straining at six in the morning to read your asks (not right now, but usually). i genuinely do wake up every hour during the night and check my inbox for messages. and respond half asleep, obviously. it’s an issue, but i have no plans for resolution.

don’t reconsider. i have considered it enough for the both of us, and i will gladly take any pain gojo wants to push on me (with a heavily winded rant, of course. some light scolding).

ah, yes. i personally prefer fake angst in which the characters could not have an issue if they would fess up. real angst? death? pain? no thanks, i’ll take the burden of fluff. believe me, i used to write a lot more angst (someone said to me ‘verity, sometimes people just don’t want to read angst’ and um. yeah true, so i evolved into more fluff ((and overall better writing)) i’ll send your stomach an apology letter, fret not.

put me and any old man in a room and i will find a way to start a fight. it’s simply in my nature.

i just said that money sucks and now i have to pay for entrance fee to my own heart??? fine, i guess, i suppose. i’ve gifted it to you and no takebacksies and all that

i think you mean the grudge she holds against me. literally last time i wrote with her around she immediately came to sit in my lap and typed some outrageous things with her entire body weight. franklin doesn’t understand common courtesy or art (side eyeing me as we speak)

(gojo is always doing something wrong though. we all know it)

real real real. i was thinking about reader and satoru in a room, much too close to each other, and i thought ‘huh, that’s kind of a weird thing to do. even for two grossly pining characters. how realistic is that, chat?’ but then i remembered who i was writing about. (gojo cannot be stopped)

[todayisafridaynight]

Y'know yeah Jo really doesn't ever smile... this is the one time he's smiled without malicious intent, and it wasn't 100% sincere, since he was trying to comfort Ikumi despite his own worries. Kind of crazy to think hardly anyone's seen him smile like that in the 40 years since then...

Especially because RGGJo smiles pretty freely, to the point I find it weirder to draw him not smiling. He's evil, and there are several layers of insincerity to it, but it does overall feel like he has more to be happy about than Y7Jo.

Like he's WEIRD AS HELL for describing Arakawa's success as an "intensely pleasurable" thing to see for him, but I believe him I Guess, and he's (on some level) happy to see Ichiban and hear him call him Captain again and even to "lose" to him. He's also more responsive to praise than I can picture Y7Jo being.

That makes slice-of-life stuff so much sweeter though For Real I would inject your comics and fics into my veins if I could 😭😭😭

Also I spliced the neutral eyes/eyebrows with the smile and no joke my eyes started to water I'm So Normal About Him I Promise KJSDGJKDSHSDG

that's what i'm SAYING like Oh The Self-Inflicted Horrors Are REAL With This One..... can't even act like harboring perpetual guilt is out of line i can't even be surprised he finds it hard to find reasons to Genuinely smile （；´д｀）guess that's where my grimy hands have to do the work LMAO I Will Keep Putting Him In Situations My Friend o(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)ブ <- overly-domestic situations he would absolutely believe he doesn't deserve

on that note though, it's the fact Y7Jo is so much more serious and somber feeling that made RGGJo's personality and demeanor jump out so much to me since i experienced Y7Jo first. just reaaally played a hand in pointing out how different they were (i guess without Self-Inflicted Horrors, a guy has more room to be more playful and cheery huh). ergo, it exemplifies just how badly Y7Jo must be drowning in his guilt and shame, and general bleak view on life if i want to think about it. the fact that, compared to his initial iteration, he can't even really muster quips or small smiles that aren't a precedent to. Heinous Shit..

WITH THAT, I THINK WE CAN BE 'NORMAL' ABOUT HIM TOGETHER YK.... whats one little smiling jo for the soul huh.... Yes The Horrors Exist but cmon...... it wouldnt hurt.... (●ˇxˇ●)

[imbonewary]

Shifting Sans Chapter 3 "Questions"

~

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 4

~

Now it was their turn to be confused.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Papyrus was almost defensive now, not even bothering to hide his suspicion.

"I don't know," I admitted. "Everything is so weird right now! You're weird, the house is weird, the food is weird-" the floodgates had opened and I couldn't stop it. "My brother loves cooking spaghetti but he was never very good at it like you are, but he'd still hype himself up like you just did, and the house is the same except there's a bathroom here now, and Alphys is still Alphys but she's younger and doesn't have glasses, and neither of you know who I am when I've known you for years, and everything is the same but it's tweaked out of place just enough that I'm just really, really confused-"

My spiral was cut off by a knock at the door. Papyrus got up wordlessly to open it. 

"Hello," he greeted. "You're just in time, come in."

Magic concentrated around him as he shifted his boot towards the door. I couldn't see what he was doing but it probably had something to do with the wheelchair that entered the house as he moved away from the entry. 

"Thank you, darling," said the monster in the wheelchair, who looked suspiciously like Mettaton, in a magenta tank top and black pants. "Stairs are always a bit difficult to navigate."

Pushing the wheelchair was a goat-like monster, in a lavender apron and purple dress, that looked about as tall as me. She seemed oddly familiar, though...

"These are Mettané and Doc Toriel," Papyrus introduced, as first the Mettaton look-alike waved, then "Toriel" bowed slightly with a pleasant smile. That was Toriel? And she was a doctor?! The others I could understand as still being themselves but now I'm even��more confused... "And I don't believe we ever caught your name before."

Mettaton Mettané wheeled himself next to the chair Papyrus had vacated, which Toriel now claimed as Papyrus went to stand by the stairs, leaning against the banister. 

"I-I..." I swallowed, trying to calm my racing soul. "I'm Sans, Sans the Skeleton. And I'm even more confused than I was a few minutes ago..."

"Sans?" Papyrus startled and everyone else seemed to have varying degrees of surprise at this revelation too. "I thought you looked similar but..."

"M-Maybe Sans is j-just a really c-common name?" Alphys suggested with a shrug. 

"We're jumping to conclusions," Toriel cut in, holding up a hand. "Sans, I'm relieved you look well; Papyrus said you were nearly frozen to death when they found you and called us over shortly after you woke up. What do you remember before waking up here?"

"Uh..." That's a surprisingly difficult question to answer. Do I tell them about the resets? Nothing good ever came of it before. And what if they don't believe me? Or turn on me? I'm not even sure I remember what was going on before the resets started...

"Sans," Toriel caught my attention again. "I understand that this is hard for you, but please believe me, we are here to help you. Whatever you have gone through to get here, we will be understanding and patient, I promise, and nothing will leave this room without your consent. However, we can only help you as much as you let us, and that begins with telling us the truth."

I felt warmth and care radiating from her, saw the sincerity in her eyes. She genuinely believed her own words.

The truth, huh.

I never did like the truth. Secrets and lies have always kept me safe. And lying was always so much easier than facing reality. But I can't come up with a convincing lie if I don't know what they expect. Toriel looks so different from the Boss Monster I knew from the Ruins, the same goes for all of the others, and it sounded like they already know someone named "Sans" who isn't me but I guess looks similar? Just like how all of these people are similar to people I know but aren't quite "them"... There's an implication there but I don't think I'm ready to say for sure. 

I need more information. 

"Ok," I finally relented. God, I hope I don't regret this. "But I expect the same from you in return."

"Of course, Sans," Toriel replied with a relieved smile. "We can take turns asking and answering questions; you can start if you'd like."

"I guess we should start with a baseline," I said with a nod. "We're in the Underground, right?"

"Yes." Toriel replied.

"And we're in Snowdin right now." I stated, forgoing the back and forth since I was technically giving them information too; letting them know how much I knew.

"We are," She nodded, apparently accepting the compromise.

"And there's Waterfall, Hotland, New Home, and the Ruins, right?"

"You forgot Greenyard," Papyrus responded. "And The Deep."

"Plus, n-nobody calls it "N-New Home" really, it's j-just the Capitol," Alphys interjected. 

"Huh," I nodded, brow thoroughly furrowed. So there's more to the Underground now? When did that happen?

"If I may, where are you from, Sans?" Toriel asked. She seemed to like using my name a lot. Probably trying to be affirming or something. 

"Uh..." I hesitated, glancing at Papyrus. "Snowdin," I finally answered. "I live in Snowdin but I grew up in New Home. Or, the Capitol, I guess."

I felt a general influx of surprise from everyone at that but I decided to ignore it.

"Who's Sans?" I asked. "The one you know."

"Sans is a skeleton who lives in the Ruins," Papyrus responded, not looking at me. "He was an advisor to King Asriel, but quit politics when Asriel died."

"King Asriel?" Did he somehow live past absorbing the human's soul?

"Ah ah ah, our turn~" Metta sang, wagging his finger. "What was your childhood like in the Capitol?"

"Good enough," I replied and I could feel myself retreating slightly. They all looked at me expectantly and I sighed. "I had a mom and dad and a younger brother. We were all pretty happy."

"Until?" Metta coaxed and my eyes narrowed. 

"My turn~," I sang back at him. "Who's leading the Underground?"

"Queen Undyne, what-" Metta was cut off by Toriel's hand on his knee. 

"Undyne took over after Asriel's death, leading monster kind along with the Council of Elders," she continued instead. "You said you live in Snowdin, Sans, is your home nearby?"

"Closer than you might think..." I trailed off awkwardly. How do I tell them I'm supposed to live in this house? "Papyrus, are you related to the other Sans at all?"

He gave me an odd, searching look. "No, there is no relation. Are you related to Sans?"

"Not as far as I'm aware," I replied with a shrug. Though I'm starting to have my suspicions... "You said Alphys was your sister, how'd that happen?"

Papyrus bristled before standing ramrod straight, trying to hide his discomfort. "Adopted siblings," he said tersely. "We grew up together. You said you were happy with your family, what happened?"

I stiffened. He didn't like being questioned any more than I did, huh? So, do I tell the easy lie or delve into the truth?

"There was an accident..." I trailed off, compromising by omission. They waited but I refused to go into it further, not yet. Not unless I have to. 

"I'm sorry to hear that, Sans," Toriel finally responded.

"Who leads the Royal Guard?"

"Captain Asgore," Papyrus answered, as Toriel had suddenly become a blushing mess. Awe, too sweet; the scientist and the captain. A lot of implications there, though. "He's usually stuck in the Capitol so Doggo leads in Snowdin, brothers Heats and Smokey Flamesman co-lead in Hotland, Amelia leads in Greenyard, and Nyad leads in Waterfall. Technically no one is in charge of the Ruins or the Deep, but Sans has taken both areas under his wing... uh, so to speak." 

He looked away, blushing slightly.

"Heh, nice one."

"A-anyways," Toriel was regaining her composure by clearing her throat. "Um, what kind of marketable skills do you have, Sans?"

"I'm a sentry but I sell hotdogs and hot cats from my posts," I replied. I felt a cold spike of suspicion from Papyrus that made me stiffen again.  

"I make a point to know all of the Sentries and Guards in the Underground," he said darkly. Sweat began to bead on my skull. "And I don't remember seeing you anywhere. Not to mention their aren't many skeleton monsters left."

He let the implication hang in the air and I couldn't help but bristle. 

"I said I'd tell the truth, didn't I?" I snapped. "I may not answer but I'm not going to tell any lies here."

"Then how do you explain-"

"I don't know, ok?!" I cried, suddenly on my feet, wings flared behind me. "So much of what you guys say is inconsistent with what I know but I'm not over here accusing you of lying now am I?!"

"P-Pap, please, th-that's n-not helping!" Alphys stuttered.

"Then please, enlighten us," Papyrus continued, ignoring Alphys. "What do you know?"

"I know that where I'm from you're not this much of a jerk!"

"What is that supposed to mean?!"

"It means that there's some kind of parallel dimension, alternate universe, divergent timeline shenanigans going on!"

[rrking]

Me who never posts on Tumblr

Also me in my notes:

Not being funny I have a legit fantasy involving being pounded in the back of a Hummer truck after I saw that in an adult film LMAO

This is just a story based on that but from the perspective of someone quite closeted and inexperienced, I've been using writing to navigate my own feelings and this was one of the pieces

Plot: Girl in late 20s has first experience with real intimacy with her boyfriend in a car, (it's a nice car mind) after most of her life being afraid or avoidant of sex and intimacy. The boyfriend is a well known actor, which only adds to the uncertainty - and he knows this, but he tries to convince her that he wants to be together and he wants this, because he's just a person too.

Most of the story is her thoughts and feelings as described by her spiralling internal monologue.

❌NSFW❌

❌M/F PAIRING❌

❌DESCRIPTIONS/MENTIONS OF PREVIOUS SEXUAL RELATED TRAUMA❌

(I was groomed by an older man online when I was 16/17. I'm trying to heal from this even ten years on and that's part of the reason I wrote this.)

I can't believe I agreed to go up this stupid mountain with him. I already hate being stuck in a car, but how we're stuck at the top of some fucking mountain in the middle of nowhere.

To be fair, I would have said yes to anything considering I'm flying home tomorrow, and... Well...

LA looks beautiful from up here. I can see the entire city, from the centre to the stacked rows of houses on each side. I can see his house too... Maybe even our house, one day. What a dream.

My boyfriend is an actor, one of many trying to make it in Hollywood.

Well, he's already 'made it', actually. That's why I was so confused when he took any interest in me. But I don't see him as some big shot actor. He's just... Him.

Genuine, laid back, smart and funny - he even has a (good) sarcastic sense of humour which, I've honestly never known of in an American national. Oh, he's good at playing guitar and singing too - a talent I never thought I would truly appreciate. He likes the same obscure, terrible bands that I do - but not in an obnoxious way. We connected through music mainly, but our mutual love of sport was the first connecting bridge.

Then, there's the fact he's a bit older than me... Quite a lot, actually. About 11 years to be exact. It doesn't bother me so much because I've dealt with older men many a time - they're easy for me to attract apparently. Talk about being born in the wrong era. They say I'm an old soul.

But he isn't like that. He's kind and mature and caring... All the things that those men in my past masked themselves to be. There's no manipulative tactics being used - he's just one of the guys.

I mean, I was kind of surprised when he didn't find it weird or emasculating for me as a woman to enjoy and follow major league baseball to the extent I do. I had only been in the loop for around 2 years at this point, but I have developed a clear interest in it - and apparently, we even have the same team.

I felt such a connection the first time we spoke about the players and other teams.

He gets me.

The man points to a large building with specks of light hitting off the glass. It's one of the biggest in the city - his talent agency.

"That's my office. Pretty clear from up here, huh?" he asks, smiling as he looks over at me from the steering wheel. Wow... He's so handsome, especially when the sunlight hits his face just right.

"I've never been a fan of heights but... This looks cool," I reply, sweeping my eyes along the skyline. I want to remember this view forever... Even if it doesn't work out between us - which it never does. I've never had much luck when it comes to dating. I always guessed I just didn't have an attractive aura or I was just... One of the guys. I was never tomboyish or anything, so I always wondered where this unwanted masculinity came from. I have PCOS, which could explain some of it, I suppose. I try not to think about it - because that's when my thoughts turn dark and I begin thinking I look like a man when I don't want to.

Amidst my rush of thoughts, I feel him staring at me, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. It makes me swallow and my body prickles anxiously.

"Whatever you're thinking... Please just say it," I whisper, feeling my heart beating faster. I bet he can hear it. "You're making me nervous."

He takes a deep breath, trying to mask his own awkwardness with a smirk. My guy is awkward in a cute way. He's clumsy and just does dumb shit without thinking - this week he pretended to spray something fruit scented into his mouth and actually did it by accident - remarking the false advertising because it tasted perfumed. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. He laughed too - this loud, cackling clown laugh - and we continued laughing together, way into the day because it kept being brought up and we couldn't stop.

That thought quickly dissipates when I feel his hand reach over to brush my thigh, bare since I decided to wear a casual dress today. I panic, beginning to ramble about anxiety when he gently shuts me up by leaning close and teasing my lips with his. He always kisses me like that... I've never been kissed that way before. There's always a short, featherlight pass of his lips on mine - and sometimes that's the best part because my lips are so sensitive. Even something as simple as shower water grazing over them can set me off if I'm in the mood for it.

However, I've yet to decide if that's just his move or if he specifically targets me because he can tell I have such sensitive lips...

"Shhh..." He whispers, gazing into my eyes and reaching up for my jaw. I'm melting. I'm honestly melting.

"You wanna make out in the backseat?"

Ha. So American. No asking if I fancy a quick shag - no way.

I blush at first, but grin and laugh. I feel more comfortable around him now, I just lack confidence. Inside of me somewhere, is a sexy, fiery phoenix trying to get out... They just need some serious coaxing.

In my mind, the answer is already yes. We've made out many times before. It comes a bit more natural to me now.

I've wanted to get to fourth base for a while, though. Definitely, before I go home - but I'm just so unsure. So scared.

I'm a virgin.

I don't feel good enough - this guy could likely get any woman he wanted, I mean, he's rich, he's well known and well liked... he's probably dated literal models - so why settle for the likes of me?

However, I tuck that in the back of my mind, deciding to push myself to do this despite the gnawing, tugging feeling in my gut, behind my belly button. I've never had sex with a real person before - but I can't let him know that. Not when I'm as old as I am. He's about ten years older than me, sure, but I feel like that makes it worse.

God. I bet he's had so much practice over the years. He's probably slept with tons of women. It makes me feel so anxious. What if I'm not normal? What if I'm not up to their standard?

Does a beautiful model fuck different to a normal chick?

Finally, I clear my throat and reply, realising I haven't yet. He's so patient.

"Go on then, you first," I smirk, gesturing to the back. He presses a few times for the radio to go up just a little more, likely to put me at ease a bit, then squeezes through to the back seat. He's pretty skinny, so it's hardly some full on crush to get in there.

I'm next, getting my wide hips stuck a little on the way there, but ultimately laughing it off. Hopefully, that just makes me look all cute and not absolutely fucking goofy. I've got a fat ass as well, and it gets wedged into everything.

Stretching my arm to place my purse on the seat in front, realising I've brought it with me, I've barely even sat down before his skin is touching mine.

Holy shit. That's contact.

Warm hands touch my chubby thighs, cold from wearing a dress in November. The way he smooches me within an inch of my life - I can tell he's been holding back, by the way he's feeling every inch of me with his hands, beneath my clothes and along my thighs and ass, manoeuvring me into the position he wants. As I moan into his mouth, his tongue slips out and begs entry. Of course, my lips hardly put up a fight. I've slowly learned to let my hands wander over his arms and shoulders, to make things seem less awkward. He taught me to do that. Actually, he really enjoys it when I do that - it seems like something so simple, but it makes such a difference.

Oh... He laughed at first, telling me what a terrible kisser I was - he didn't believe me when I told him I'd only kissed a handful of people in my life.

"Huh? A cute face like that only got kissed like ten times?" he told me. He is such a patient guy, and an even better teacher. He's the one who taught me how to mould my lips to his without judgement. That's probably where he discovered my lips are sensitive from so much as a touch.

Without really thinking, I get brave and sling my leg over his to sit in his lap, facing him as we snog each other in the backseat. His hands are still feeling me up all over, moving only between heavy breaths and taking special interest in my black panties beneath my dress. I made sure to wear some good ones all week, just in case.

The seats are shuffling beneath our combined weight as we flit around in one another's arms, struggling to find a position that is comfortable to sustain and relaxing, too.

My body clearly feels so comfortable with this man, so why doesn't my spirit? How is a man supposed to calm a woman's spirit? Can he even do that?

I think he can. I swear I've fallen in love with him over this last week. Coming to America to hang out with him has been the best idea I've ever had.

I must have been zoning out and flagging a little since he pulls away briefly, instead trailing kisses down my neck towards my collar, sucking on my skin and forcing a louder moan from me in response to the pain.

I huff his name, and he unlatches, going to do another even deeper than the last, immediately.

"Mm... That fucking hurts..." I grumble, breathing through it with a bitten lip. I'm anaemic, so he probably shouldn't do that, but I don't care. I'll suffer the consequences later.

"Can't have you flying back without a piece of me," he smirks, nipping at me some more. Why is he so good at that? He's clearly enjoying it too, because I can feel his body reacting beneath my thighs.

"No, I suppose not," I giggle, making the mistake of matching his kind gaze. There is a spark between us. It's like our souls are speaking to one another.

Like he actually loves me. As in, the innermost me. I have never seen such an empathetic look in all my days... Could I really be loveable in that fashion after all? His hands are saying they want to break me, the way he's digging his fingers into my hips, pulling my skirt up some in the process... but his eyes tell me they want to save me, hold me, love me, take me... All together and all at once. Perhaps I'm thinking too deeply into this, but I've never felt this way. He makes me feel strange, like I'm going to die, but I just can't find it within myself to break away - because he also makes me feel so good.

Edging forward, he kisses me again - but with a different intensity from before. It's slow and passionate, far less feverish than initially. Fingers creep along my back, gradually coming down to my front, over my thigh and towards the inner part of it.

He hovers there, awaiting consent.

This is it.

I don't even give it because I swear I would be exerting more energy trying to speak. I just feel for his hand and guide it to my tingling mound as we kiss, trying to focus more on kissing than the delectable stroking of his slightly calloused fingertips in my panties. (He tried serenading me earlier in the week with his guitar, and of course I told him there was no such need... But I always wondered what calloused fingertips would feel like on the most sensitive areas of my body... His singing was cute too, of course. He sang something he performed in one of his first films.)

Along with the heightened sense of belonging as I squirm a little bit now beneath his ministrations, occasionally breaking the kiss to gasp or keen as he explores what works best, the lids of my eyes are beginning to droop slightly as I slip into what can only be described as heaven.

He's clearly used his hands before for things other than picking at strings and button mashing video games. My stomach pulls taut as one finger starts sliding its way inside me, somehow able to fight so gently against the raging seas that are my narrow walls. Initially, I tense up, but then remember I need to relax in order for it to work. He must have felt the sudden tightening, since he eases off for a moment.

"No, no..." I insist, taking a deep breath and shutting my eyes. "It's just a new sensation... I'm fine."

He seems a little guarded, but I've done this before with my own fingers and other such objects. The calmness just doesn't come very naturally to me. I have to remind myself at first that the initial discomfort is only temporary. However... Giving control over to another is different. I cannot control his fingers, all I can do is trust that he is patient and gentle with me - which I imagine he will be.

"You sure?" he says lowly, looking at me as if he's searching my eyes for some kind of celestial answer.

I'm sure.

With this, he continues to delve deeper into my velvet trap, watching my subtle facial changes and kissing my neck as he works his full finger inside to the knuckle, pumping it in and out gently. I'm so embarrassed, swearing I can feel his fingertip all the way up in my pelvis. It feels divine. I'm squealing because I can't help it and it's having such an effect on him. I think he's... Enjoying it. Getting off on it even. Then he speaks and that confirms my suspicions.

"Hm, wow... Noisy."

Oh. My. God. No. I want the car to just crush me, Optimus Prime style. I'm so embarrassed - but he's not. He's just grinning. That stupid grin. I swear that's what even pulled me into this situation in the first place.

There's a second finger poking my entrance. I change expression for a moment, but initially take that in, too. I don't know what the hell he's touching or how he's flexing his fingers this way, but I'm feeling actual sparks in my abdomen. I definitely can't get my fingers that far in. It feels amazing - and this is ONLY his fingers. I'm so hot and bothered, biting my lip. How am I even coping with this right now?

"Hhhaaa, fuck..." I moan breathily, whinging as I reach up to grip the carpeted ceiling of the car, my painted nails scraping over it as I arch my back into him.

"Is that alright?" He whispers, looking up at me with that same, longing stare from before. You can always tell when he wants something, because he has this thousand yard stare with a hint of softness - to anybody else, it would just look fucking creepy. But to me, it speaks pure desire. He's actually getting off on ME.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?"

"No..." I whimper, letting my head hang back as much as I can and trying to ease back some more, leaning back against the rear of the front seat and providing more room for him to work. Well, as much as I can. He's a skinny guy, all things considered. I'm short and round, so my thighs don't quite straddle over him completely.

There's a disgusting noise now beneath my dress which I can hear and feel but not see. It's making it so much worse. I am flushed. He is flushing. He's staring at my face and my bitten lip, trying to kiss my teeth away and stop my sound muffling.

"Oh my god, that's so good..."

I'm sure as hell flushed to fuck, redder than a lobster.

Oh, but that's nothing compared to my slutty whining. Despite my eyes being shut, I can feel his stare on my face, a toothy grin blooming on his lips as he watches me pant with bliss. I've only ever done this to myself before, so having someone else do it is tantalising. I never imagined anybody would be able to do such a thing. I've wanted this guy for a long time and that's possibly making this experience better than ever.

Slowly removing my hand from above my head, I slink it down between us, rubbing tight circles on my clit to propel things forward a bit. I'm tired of waiting. He's such a tease, and I am not used to teasing myself. I want this now. I need it now. I'll die if I don't cum on those slender fingers.

His lips press gentle kisses to the arm across me as if to encourage it away, and I feel myself growing closer, my ribs rattling against my chest.

"Ahh, shit... That's it-!" I squeal, biting my lip and still trying to muffle the noises coming from my throat to no avail. He's just panting, staring, appreciating.

"Ughhh, god... I'm gonna cum..." I try to warn. That's another thing I've never been particularly good at. Often, it just happens before I can stop myself.

But I'm too loud and he's breathing heavily, clearly more experienced at this than I am despite being unable to hold his own moans back as he works his fingers between my legs.

"Fuck... That's hot," he husks sensually against my ear. The sound of his American drawl and the feel of his beard is enough to send me over the edge.

Finally it happens, that gush coating his fingers in slick. I'm shocked at first, even embarrassed.

What if other girls don't cum like that?

Why am I even thinking this way? He wouldn't put himself through this if he wasn't even the slightest bit attracted to me, right?

I'm clawing into his neck right now.

He definitely doesn't seem phased... Not by my noise or my wriggling. Especially once the sparkles of my orgasm hit and I feel some... fulfillment.

However, I know that if he keeps up, I'll be unable to stop cumming - and I'm not sure I want to show him that side of me yet. After years of learning myself I've gotten to a stage where I know how far I can push myself.

Oh god, if he finds that out then... Then, he might beg me to stay in LA and I'm just not ready for that sort of commitment yet either! What would I tell my family? What about my life in the UK?

I know in my heart I would leave it all behind.

I'm still struggling to get my head around the fact that someone with such a following has taken an interest in someone like me.

I don't belong in Los Angeles. As much as I want to. As much as I want to belong with him. It's not like he belongs in my country either, really. His life is here. His job, his family, his friends... His shitty football team.

I mean, perhaps if he convinced me I was the one piece left that he needed...

Once my walls stop spasming, he gently pulls his digits out and that's what pulls me back again. Kissing me deeply, he takes care not to wipe his wet fingers on my clothes. Always so thoughtful. It actually brings me from my deep thoughts back into the real world and what's happening right now.

Going into his coat pocket, he pulls out some tissues he stashed there earlier, probably at the local coffee shop or something, making me giggle on his lap despite still being out of breath. He's so smart, sensible and mature. It's so him coded. I love it.

"That was amazing..." I gush breathily, craving more. I've started the obsession. I fucking knew this would happen. I'm going to be gagging for him on my flight home.

It feels a little easier now to push forward into uncharted territory, though.

Maybe, I won't look like a total fool trying to bounce and grind on a real dick for the first time ever... It can't be anything as embarrassing as the times I've tried in my bedroom, surely?

His hands trace the curves of my waist, seeking more, so I sigh and lean back, trying to remain calm. Full lips are peppering sweetness all over my neck again, making the skin of my cheeks heat back up.

"These marks suit you, y'know," he smirks. "I think I like them."

Why, oh why does he keep going for my neck?

"I want you..." He whispers, working me perfectly. Hearing it from HIS lips hits different.

This time, I waste no time and lean through the front seats again, rifling through my purse for some protection I've had stashed in there for a while. I have an allergy after all - another weird thing about me I figured nobody would want to deal with - so I just brought my own hoping it would help that burden. Maybe he'll just think it's some budget brand or something - god, why so I think so stupidly?

Oh no. It turns out men like it when you come prepared. It's a sexy thing. His eyes light up, and he looks between me and the packet with a gritted grin.

Holy hell...

With a hefty swallow, I place it into his hand. I'm not being lazy, I'm just submitting, I suppose. However, I reckon I would genuinely screw up this whole encounter somehow, so my external unease is probably obvious.

"I've been keeping these in my purse," I admit quietly, giggling nervously as I just try to say anything to fill the silence.

"Okay," he says simply. He says it in the dorkiest fashion, with the dorkiest, most clueless look on his face.

"W-Well I want to use it!" I stammer, waving my hands.

"I got that part, sweetheart," he teases me with a sly, mocking simper. The pet name honestly gets me feral. I need him now.

"Look, listen. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

He still doesn't talk. Instead he just takes my chin and pushes it enough to tempt my lips with his, choosing to encourage me physically. I'm not used to this. Not that I've ever really been outwardly judged before for such a thing, but why isn't he judging me?

Did I not explain properly?

"I've never done it before," I admit, blinking. Here it comes... I'm waiting for the distaste. The lecture about how I'm a walking red flag.

But it never comes.

"Cool."

That's what he says. He just smiles. He just nods. He laughs a little, but it isn't malicious sounding. It's more of a cute, excited laugh. A dorky laugh.

"I have to admit, I don't think I've had sex with a virgin since I was like, 19," he smirks, breathing a little more paced. "Oh man, this is gonna be kinda exciting."

He's such a dork. Is he seriously getting excited about this? I feel immediately more comfortable, even bursting into laughter myself. I feel so silly.

"So, you're not put off?" I ask, touching my red hot cheek.

"Put OFF??" he squawks, letting that goofy laugh he does rip from his throat. It's so not forced, which is how I know he's genuine. I love it.

"Hell no," he smiles, shaking his head and leaning close enough where my gaze crosses a little and I hold a breath. "No. No way. This is actually super cool!" He sees me swallow, and immediately lowers his chirpy tone. "O-Oh! I'll be gentle, I promise! 19 year old me remembers how nervous I was," he smirks.

A sigh. I think I'm in love.

"I-Ia'm not sure I want you to be gentle, honestly..." I huff, gazing into his eyes and explaining that I've built up a collection of toys over the years due to being perpetually single and generally untrusting of other people.

To say I'm surprised at his reaction is an understatement, once again.

He looks extremely ecstatic. He's buzzing. It's as if I just told him his birds scored a touchdown - because they're that shit.

"You seem aware of what you want. That's good. That's helpful," he explains, even gesturing with his finger as he speaks. "Less trying out weird stuff to see if you like it, y'know?" There's a pause, and his face softens up again. "I do care about what you want, you know."

I smile. If I wasn't so cautious and guarded, I would have grabbed him and kissed him there and then. But no... I have to go and make things weird.

"Hmmm... Well... Let me see. I can't do cowgirl on my knees, as much as I would like to. I have to squat because I'm so small. Um... What else..."

He laughs light heartedly, hardly bothered.

"How do you find out a thing like that?" he squawks through that laugh again.

"Oh, there's ways around that, honey," he insists huskily, and the serious tone in his voice paired with his scheming smirk does something to me.

He looks around, considering our surroundings. I mean, he seems to have a plan in mind. Clearly, this is not his first rodeo. These Capricorn men, man.

"Hm. Y'know, it might be a bit difficult with you on top, anyway. In here, I mean! I reckon you're small enough to lie back here," he instructs, trying to move enough to let me sink back onto the bench seat sideways. My legs are pretty short, so I'm able to hold them up around him, his skinny frame nestling between my ass and the side door. "And I'll just slink in here..." There's a rustle of clothes and a clang as he pulls his belt off, just enough to pull his trousers and pants to his knees, the rubber in between his teeth as he adjusts himself and takes me through what is about to be my first time. Wow, he looks so handsome when he's concentrating. I could lose myself in this face.

I wasn't expecting him to get undressed so quickly, though.

"Y'alrigh' 'own 'ere?" He mumbles, teeth getting in the way of his tongue as he speaks with the wrapper in between the white gnashers. Multitasking.

I go to speak as he sheathes himself - and REALLY wish I fucking hadn't. My eyes widen, since I can't seem to emote inwardly, and I see the size of what he's packing. It's different to how I expected, and I can't shake the image off. The slightly above average size isn't even what I noticed first, it was the weird twitching. I've never seen a real dick before. I'm grossed out, but also intrigued. He looks really swollen. It must be so uncomfortable.

"I'm fine," I huff, trying to think of something to blame to avoid looking like some super virgin at my age. (Despite the fact that's the truth, really. I never imagined as you got older, the prerequisite to being attractive went from sleeping with hardly anybody to at least knowing what you're fucking doing...)

Pulling his hoodie over his head, he exhales briskly as he throws it into the front, clearly getting worked up. He's really fit, especially his arms. I know he isn't stupid but... I hope he isn't expecting some fit little body under this dress.

"I promise that it LOOKS bigger than it is," he laughs, seemingly okay with dissing himself. Maybe it's his mature age, he's not some silly little boy anymore. There's no need for him to be insecure.

"I'm just... So embarrassed," I breathe, trying to save myself from further embarrassment. He doesn't seem concerned and I find it hard to believe. Taking my upper arms, he holds me up a bit, looking into my eyes as he sort of pant-talks.

"I promise, it's gonna be fine, I'm just... So... Fucking... Hard," he sighs, chuckling darkly and hanging his head. "I've wanted you for... Ages. And... This is what happens with long distance relationships, I suppose. I've not been with anyone for a few years, either."

That much is true. He lives here in Los Angeles, and I live in England. As much as I want to give up my life and spend the rest of it with him, I have some other responsibilities that I couldn't just drop and leave.

"Well, let's um... Let's go, then," I say, trying to shuffle back down with a face on. He takes the hem of my skirt and hikes it up, before remembering this is supposed to be my first time. Pulling his hands away, he holds them up in a surrender.

"Oh, I can do this right?"

I giggle breathily, agreeing with a nod.

"Um, okay. Cool," he says, his body clearly struggling to keep up with his brain. Pulling it up to my waist, there's a small gasp. A large hand moves to my hip bone, running over it.

"Wow, you've got really pokey hip bones. This is gonna bruise," he chuckles, continuing to stroke over my soft curves.

Taking a deep breath, I brace myself, most likely giving him a submissive look without thinking. I really don't understand why he's being so kind to me. Does he actually love me or does he just want to sleep with me that badly? Are all men like this? Is pokey hip bones weird?

I don't know why I think like this, and whilst he's always there to ping my fears back where they came from, it still haunts my head.

Taking initiative, I lie back some more, pulling my panties to the side and trying to adjust my position to make things more comfortable.

It's now or never.

He leans in, sensing my unease. Being sure to touch his lips to mine before letting the rest of him rub me where I'm sensitive, it's enough to make me huff a gasp into his mouth, and I almost scramble back at the sheer contact. Seems he was expecting that, though. He mutters some sort of horny praise, running his hands along my thighs slowly before gripping my hips and pulling me upwards to help the transfer. I wrap my fingers around his wrists, preparing myself for what is inevitably going to be a very uncomfortable stretch if it's anything like using a toy. Remaining close to my cheek and teasing my skin, he mumbles something about how I look uneasy. I appreciate that he is trying to make this as easy as possible, but it's also annoying me that he isn't just getting it over with. Like, just bang me already.

"It just always hurts the first time," I whisper quickly, to which he turns his head to kiss my mouth again. I can't admit to him that I've never taken a real dick. I just can't. He knows but I can't say it in this moment.

Rubber dicks aren't the same as real ones, but at least they don't talk back or judge you.

"It won't hurt if you trust me... I promise," he swears, gently pressing the head of his cock against my folds to test the waters.

As he pushes, it doesn't even slightly work the first time - if my vagina didn't make sure of that, my nails buried in his wrists sure did. He can tell how fucking nervous I am, my heart in my throat leaping out from under my skin.

"You trust me, right?"

I don't reply. Yet, he STILL seems unphased, simply huffing lightly and attempting the push again. It's a little easier this time, but he still isn't quite getting past the tight little ring of muscle yet.

I look away and shut my eyes, completely trying to detach myself from the moment, just for a second. Maybe that will help my body loosen up.

But he isn't going to allow that. He wants this to be the most beautiful, sensual experience... Even in the back of his car.

I just don't want to look stupid - that's if I haven't already.

"Hey," he whispers, brushing his crooked nose against mine and trying to bring me back into the present. "You need to relax, or this isn't going to work," he pants, his face flushing.

Taking the pad of his finger and gently swiping it over my damp folds, he keeps trying to talk me down. My jaw drops without me thinking, but he keeps talking.

"What are you scared of?"

I can't speak, especially not when he's now swirling his finger over my sensitive bud. It works some sort of magic and I feel as though my muscles are forcibly collapsing around him.

"Huh? Tell me. Are you scared it'll hurt?"

No. I'm not scared of that. I've fucked myself tons of times.

He asks if it's being discovered - a copper or a hiker maybe...

Ha. No. I don't really care about that, either.

Then what is it?

"I thought you might judge me... And it would be awkward and I'd just be..."

"Be what?"

"No, I can't even say it."

He cocks his head, following my every move with his eyes.

"S-Stop staring at me," I mumble, gawping up at him. He does this intense, creepy stare.

"I need to know what's on your mind before we do this."

"Why?"

"Because, it's a special thing. I don't want you giving it up for someone just because you feel like you have to."

I swallow. His hands stroke my knees, trying desperately to settle me somewhat again. He isn't just 'someone'. He's 'the one'.

"I've always been afraid of intimacy. Letting someone get close to me and seeing me so vulnerable," I admit. "Someone hurt me a long time ago and it's left me a little messed up."

"Do you trust me?" He asks seriously, staring into my eyes. "This isn't that big of a deal, I promise. Or... We can just stop." He smirks a little, trying not to laugh incase it has the wrong effect. "Believe me, in about ten minutes you'll be asking me why you bothered because it isn't that great," he giggles, making me giggle too. I do trust him.

"Alright," I sigh, feeling a bit more prepared. I lie back, tilting my hips up a bit to help the angle.

Taking the moment, he manages to inch in just enough to start breaking the wall down. I shift forward some more to help bridge the gap between us and trying to work out what the best angle is for this to execute properly. The groan that leaves his lips is the most spectacular sound I've ever heard. It's like a mix of absolute desire and relief.

"Oh my god... Fucking hell..." He grunts breathily, struggling to keep his breath level. "Aghh... That is tight. Wow. Okay."

"Sorry... Sorry..." I apologise with big eyes, not realising I'm just making it worse. He pants some kind of cute response back, along with a laugh.

"No, it's not bad! You can't help it. It's... Really fucking good, actually..." he slurs, trying to keep his hormones in check. "I-I-I take back what I said... You... You feel fucking incredible..."

Pulling right back, he thrusts in again, building up a slightly stuttered rhythm because he's so excited. I'm taking it, trying to stay relaxed but also squirming because it feels so fucking good. Having someone else drive into you is way better than trying to drive into yourself and having your arm get tired.

"Fuck, I've wanted you like this all week..." He groans between huffs, sounding absolutely desperate. "Well... Longer than that, really. Every time your name flashes up on my phone, I..."

He trails off, biting his lip as his brain finishes the sentence but his mouth doesn't. Wow... I've never felt so desired in my life.

I can't help my noise, but I swear that's what's actually getting him off and not the feel of my tight pussy.

"H-Harder..." I wail, gripping anything to steady myself. "I usually go harder on myself," I stammer, to which he complies, holding my hips to keep me close enough and stop it slipping out. There's the most disgusting slapping sound amidst our tandem moans and groans, but that's the last thing on my mind. His cock dragging along my walls is making me feel feverish. This is the experience I wanted. Mutual understanding and excitement.

Grinding my hips a little, I feel his face burying itself into my neck, like he's trying desperately to think of anything else and avoid finishing just yet.

"I ain't gonna last in this, babe... Jesus..."

I can barely reply, instead just moaning back with shuddered breath. Holding his head, I card my fingers through his hair and arch my back as pleasure begins building up in my core. He's slipping off the seat on his knees, so brings his leg onto the footwell to steady himself.

Then he calls my name.

"Get on your front for me, it'll be a bit easier," he says, pulling out for a moment to help me change position. I twist and bring my ass up, also using my foot in the footwell to try and steady myself.

"Like this?"

"Like that," he hums gently, holding my hips and pulling his meat between us again. It goes in much easier this time, and I'm liking this position. This is making me start to howl a little, my whimpers louder and louder as I use my hands to avoid battering the car door with my face when he thrusts into me.

I know he's fucking way too deep, but I don't care, it won't be like this forever anyway. As I think that, he finishes, groaning into my body and catching his breath.

Honestly, I would have been happy to leave it at that, despite the emptiness as he pulls out of me. However, he gently rubs my puffy lips with his fingers, causing me to shudder and almost jump a mile because I wasn't expecting it.

"Sorry! Sorry," he gasps, laughing into his hand. "I keep forgetting how jumpy you are.

"It's okay..." I mewl, my pitched voice muffled by my arm. My legs tremble as I approach another orgasm, his slow strokes helping me to calm down weirdly enough.

"I just wanted to finish the job, you know?" He torments, shaking his head from behind me and leaning forward with a chuckle.

"Yes..." I hiss, concentrating so he can rub me to completion.

"That's it," he praises gently, watching from behind as I bury my face into my arms and start wiggling my hips, silently begging him to hurry up.

We sit there in comfortable silence. I snuggle into his side, falling asleep in the warm car.

"We should probably be getting back soon," he says gently, stroking my hair. I hum some sort of response, and he calls my name.

"What?" I grumble, scrunching my nose and trying to go back to sleep against his soft hoodie.

"I said, I ought to be getting you back soon," he repeats, smiling. "You can't be falling asleep on me. I'll think you're cute and want to keep you," he teases, running a hand over my head. His voice sounds a tad sad. He's clearly upset about me leaving for home tomorrow.

"If you wake up, I'll go through the McDonald's drive thru on the way back," he persuades, laughing when I perk up at the thought of food.

Perhaps he really is the man of my dreams.

[stillachildatheart]

Thirty and Thriving

An update for the blog.

Hey there. It's been literally years since I came back to this blog again. My life has grown and veered off in so many different directions, it somehow made reading through all my previous posts feel like I was a vapid, air-headed teenager that didn't know enough about life. Haha.. I guess at some point, we all look back at our teen years and cringe. I am thirty this year. Can you believe it? I can't! I have so many white hairs on my head now, I've almost given up trying to color it back. My joints ache on and off. I'm taking supplements to help maintain some vitality (or at least give me the placebo effect that I'm doing something about my vitality). 18 year old me would have been horrified to see how she had grown up. =P

But you know what? I am proud of where I am. I struggled through depression and plenty of mental abuse from my parents to be where I am today. They still do abuse me every now and then but somehow, being 30 gave me the freedom to ignore it and move on with my life. Not to say that the things they say doesn't bug me, but I think I've gained the capacity to move past it and not let it bother me for too long. That fuck it attitude may rub others the wrong way... but fuck it. I worked too hard to gain it, if you don't like it then it's not my problem. As always, paiya was and has been a constant rock and an inspiration for me. Yes, we're still together. We've been married for over a year now, in fact. LDR success story, huh? <3 Over 12 years of being in a relationship (and a long-distance one at that) and just over 6 months of living with each other.. even I cannot fathom where all that time went. After reading through some of my earliest posts about him yesterday, I told him one thing when we were in bed last night. After all these years, I'm living the way I dreamed of. Taking care of our home together, cooking and eating together, exploring the world together.. these were things that the 17 year old me would have been wildly hoping for but would have not believed would eventually happen.

I am happy. For someone who went through clinical depression ever since I set foot into medical school, this statement is like feeling the sun on your face for the first time after a long and hard winter. I am genuinely happy. Of course we have our issues and disagreements. We end up hurting each other at times and also irritating each other. But the love is always there, and we always work our way back to it together. The love we have feels like it has grown and matured into something beautiful and solid. It fills my heart with so much of strength and courage to face the world, as long as he is by my side. It's awesome.. that feeling.

If only my relationship with my parents was that easy. Being in a healthy relationship with my husband made me realize how toxic my own family was to me. I knew they were the main reason I ended up depressed, but I'm still identifying all the trauma responses in me due to the way I was treated when I was young. Trying to unlearn my defense mechanisms and relearn healthier ones has been a major challenge for me since I started living together with paiya. Because my defense mechanisms protect my emotions but are in turn toxic and hurtful to him. I ended up unintentionally straining our relationship a few times all because I didn't know how to regulate my emotions safely. And yes, I blame my upbringing for that. Don't get me wrong. They did their responsibility as parents well. They go above and beyond, in fact. But that comes with a massive pile of expectations that is masked as love and wanting the best for me. If I choose not to conform to those expectations, I am a disappointment and failed them as their daughter. For a long time, the emotional burden of trying to fulfil their expectations drained the life and soul out of me. I worked hard to shed that, but I'm still a work in progress.

To them, the fact that I decided not to specialize is the biggest disappointment. They feel that I'm squandering my education and I'm being very complacent in my position. They hate the fact that I'm not working in a hospital anymore, because apparently doctor's working in a Klinik Kesihatan are not doctors. -_- I survived through housemanship, I survived working as an MO in medical for a year and ETD for almost 2 years. I've never felt at home as much as working in a KK has felt. Not only am I using my medical knowledge more, there is the unbeatable fact that I am working office hours now. I have weekends... after 5 years of working, I am finally experiencing weekends like everyone else. So they can say all they want, but I've come to a point where my sole focus is to keep myself happy.

If I'm not happy, there's no way I can keep anyone else around me happy. So that is my main priority. I struggled to do a degree I didn't like for their sakes. I'm not about to repeat the same thing again for a master's degree, just because they want to see me become a specialist. If I choose to do it, it will be because I genuinely want to put in the effort for it. Not because they want it.

So yeah... as you can guess, a lot has happened in the last 10 years. At the end of the day, I am content with where I am right now and I guess that's all that matters. :)

[sdnimer]

Journal Log #01

I have been making my own private journal, but I also would like to share a little bit from it over here. I felt like, if somebody ever found this, this is the part of me that I want them to read.

AND, I can't believe this journal log has been self-harm for years! I'm happy to say I've grown out of it. So here's some refreshment on how I've been writing my private journal logs. (hence the new number) I might share more if I ever felt like I want them to read too.

1:01 AM - Monday, December 11th 2023

It has been a rollercoaster ride of information, huh? Things are moving so fast that you didn’t had enough time to process and this cause a little delay in your business.

Let’s rewind and unwind. We can’t sleep anyhow since we keep thinking about it and although writing about it out on our previous journal is so worth it, I can’t find it. So, typing on our old method again.

I liked her so much. I cared for her too much that I slowly lost track of myself a little bit. I wanted to impress her with my card skills and my only way of saying “I love you” or “I wanna keep in touch with you” is through card, and I couldn’t express them outside of my craft. This is a new territory because the new environment was because they reciprocate our feelings back, and even though in my heart that we aren’t together officially or even mentioned on the same page, I knew there will be a moment that she will find somebody else that fits better for her relationship needs.

People meet new people all the time, especially in an industry that are build through communities. You have to stand out and be in the crowd. So, it’s really not your fault that you couldn’t make it into fruition or towards what you think it should be. You did your best in telling them how you felt, because that is the most genuine thing that comes from you.

Deja vu isn’t it? With "Z" and now "S". The only problem is that they are everywhere and it is a small world. You’ve made promise that even if this doesn’t work out, way before you pursuit her, you will still support her in the smallest way you possible could in your own capacity. Let’s be honest here, you wanted to impress her on what you can do as a person. Yes and she’s totally out of your league.

Looking back, maybe you push your luck too much or you were too late. There're gaps in-between and you were too afraid to pursue since you haven’t gotten that point for yourself. Honestly, this was our very first love that we thought we could work it out. Giving her space to grow and guess she found somebody. We are gonna feel sad and we are gonna celebrate for her.

Whether it’s an actual thing that we heard, or we’ve heard it wrongly, maybe "O" was right. The closure is to not have any of it. You still have to move on. You got better things to worried about then a girl who doesn’t share their days with you, even after you’ve mentioned your interest. They say that your vibe attracts your tribe. And that Bug Hunter said, “So many lives to still impact, some still have yet to cross path.” so maybe with us stepping into our business-hood, we’ll find someone who appreciate us and our crafts. Our personalities, our intentions, and our care. Which we have, platonic-ally, and isn’t that better?

To Sop, I don’t know if I heard was what I think it was, but I had wish you would just be honest and tell me about it. Tell me gently and lead me into it. It is totally understandable that I would be crying about it, it’s a heartbreak after all. All heartbreak will go through sadness and tears. With open-minded conversation, it wouldn’t even be tears, just relief. Right now, I have no idea what I heard was right or not. And if so, you don’t have to hide, you can just tell me. I would rather have it confrontational by you then anyone else.

Anyhow, I’ve said my piece in my recent card to you, and I don’t need to repeat it ever again. I don’t need to be try hard making you liking me or getting your attention. And "J" can finally stop pestering me about rizzing you up.

Tough industry, huh? You want the best but balance is needed, silence is needed, proper structure is needed, but it is what it is. It’s a corporate industry world. You have to let it go and let them settle it themselves. Be there when they needed you. You’re a listener, only a doer when it is within your spectrum.

Although this anger can’t be translated anywhere else, we suffered a stiff migraine that was ultimately result in our 4th attack this year, I think it’s a sign to let go of the industry as a whole. Go back to where it made us feel having fun wasn’t a chore and being alive forgetting the horrors of reality for a moment. Like what we’ve said, fun and alive is what I want to be remembered.

Let’s also disclaimed that why we’re having so much anger was because of how we were in a company with their 5 core values. We are passionate in what we do, we have integrity, we hate stagnancy, we do something about it, and we give value to each other. What was missing in these cases was integrity. That’s why we’re so angry and adamant to call out since that was what we’ve been practicing for almost 3 years, and that’s what kept us strong for 6 years.

Without saying it out loud, it’s like we’re fighting against our morale integrity. At the same time, everyone deserves a second chance, and I would like to believe that he is genuinely sorry and would make amends. The only way I could forgive someone when it comes to integrity is that they’ve genuinely show results. Wow, a company really taught us about performances in another level, huh?

You can take myself out of the company, but you can’t take the values of the company from me.

[lifewiththelulus]

A storm brews quietly in the distance

He's an insecure lil fuck who can't stand she'd be happy without him and that she's already over him, and the cherry on top is the songs she wrote He knows it's about him and he doesn't like it one bit how passionately Aurora sang about him being an asshole

He waits for Willow to go to class and swoops in. He knows who Zilan is but pretends like he doesn't

In Zil’s head: two friends in one year?! Oh boy! 😁

Oh sweet poor child

He plays it cool for a while Avoiding him when Willow is around but always shows up when she leaves

All would seem like it's good But one day… He sticks around when Willow shows up.

At first she's smiling and walking with a little bounce - her and Zilan were gonna go hang out that day

That is until she saw. Andi… Talking to zil? She froze, watching them laugh and that's when Andi looked over at her with a smirk. "Oh hey Willow! I gotta go Zilan - you two have fun." He smiles deviously at Willow as he walks away. She's speechless, and looks at Zilan.

"You.. you're friends with him?" She feels like she's gonna be sick

Zilan: oh do you know him? Yeah we just started talking, he’s a funny guy. How do you know him?

She shakes her head slowly. Was he playing mind tricks on her? Why won't he just leave her alone??

"I… I don't think it's a good idea to hang out today." She holds herself and quickly gets her bag from her locker "I don't feel well. Bye Zilan." She marches off, trying to hide how she was about to burst into tears

Zilan: oh um… ok, see you tomorrow. (Is she feeling sick? If she doesn’t show up the next day I should go over to her place and bring some of my dads soup ^^)

Of course she stays home She asks Kindlin if she can stay home because she doesn't feel good Kin saw her after she had been crying the night before and it was believable she might be sick.

The next day, for the first time, he’s less enthusiastic about gym now that he doesn’t have her for a partner. Once school is over he’s about to pick up the soup, when Andi comes up to him

Andi is feeling smug, seeing that Willow missed class. It must've meant his meddling was working

"Hey Zilan! Oh hey what's up? Why the long face?" He tilts his head with a concerned expression "Everything ok?"

Zilan: Oh yeah, I good, no worries. It’s just that Willow didn’t show up, guess I’ve gotten kinda used to being around her most of the time, ya know?

Andi nods but then sighs exaggeratedly "I know how that feels.. hey can I be honest with you about something?"

Andi felt giddy but hid that well with his sad face. He hoped this would be all he needed to do to get rid of this guy. "Willow and I were actually a thing for a while .. I think she might still have feelings for me, and… I have feelings for her too. I was hoping you could maybe.. put in a good word for me? Nothing extreme, just mention me?"

Zilan was surprised, he would have never have guessed. And couldn’t help but feel a little twinge of pain in his heart, but took in a breath and said

Zilan: oh! Of course dude. …Huh… You and Willow… you said you WE’RE a thing right? if you don’t mind me asking, what torn you two apart?

He made a panicked expression for a split second then responded "Oh well- I promised I wouldn't say. It would embarrass her.. " He patted himself on the back for the quick thinking "Wasn't anything serious. I think it'd be nice to try again.. but I want to let her make the first move." He tried his best to sound genuine

Zilan: aw, that’s really cool of you dude. Don’t worry I’ll make sure she knows how much she means to you. … she’ll be lucky to have you back in her life.

He looked down and his eyes looked misty.

Andi smiled and waved at him "Thanks man! I'll see ya later!" He has a wicked smile on his face as he leaves

[tankman]

I have some unresolved feelings and I know SOMEONE is an annoying fucking stalker and could easily see this so why not.

Hi I'm Harvey, and 80% of the 10 people total who will see this probably have no idea what I'm talking about here.

But this isn't for them. This is for me.

You're the worst most insidious goddamn manipulator we've ever known. We felt insane so often felt like we couldn't trust ourselves for shit.

The worst part is, if we still believed that you actually loved us, we would've kept falling for all of your fucking tricks for god knows how long.

Your fatal mistake: You couldn't keep your goddamn mouth shut.

You claimed we were being told lies but you know what's so incredibly telling? That whole time I was packing up our shit, you couldn't stop begging me to know WHO told us that you didn't love us.

How many people did you complain to, huh? That you couldn't even BEGIN to guess who might've finally said it.

Who finally told us that you admitted to them in clear words that you were using us as a getaway plan and that you weren't fond of us anymore and found us annoying and rude.

If that truly doesn't narrow it down for you then I don't know what to fucking say. That's two years of our life wasted on a guy who apparently didn't fucking care.

You created a culture in our friend group(s) of distrust and dishonesty. It was exhausting. We participated in the lies and the talking behind peoples backs, I'm not going to pretend we didn't willfully add to it. We regret it and have distributed several well deserved apologies. But did you know, setting boundaries with you just doesn't fucking work? Because you make people feel intensely guilty and afraid for daring to have them. We told you we were uncomfortable with the lengths you were going to a few times, and you always made it about you.

You immediately (albeit loosely) tried to turn one of our best friends on us for that. Luckily she's a kind and understanding person. "Good luck being his friend" well. I have the same thing to say to your bestie, man. Truly good luck, I literally genuinely hope he doesn't fucking do the same things to you he did to us.

That's general grievances. Not even my personal ones yet, Lol.

"I ALWAYS wanted to be Harvey's friend" you goddamn disgusting liar. You told me outright MULTIPLE times that you were uncomfortable with me as an alter and wished I would age up you said you wished I would age up to my FACE and still thought that I would believe you that you "always" wanted to be my friend.

You only wanted to be my "friend" when it became clear we were missing our old friend, y'know. The one that actually treated me like a human fucking being with feelings. The one you felt so intimidated by that you had us cut them out of our life.

No other littles felt safe enough to show up because of you. You're probably relieved you never had to meet them and pretend to tolerate them. You on your fucking high horse of being so much better than us and everybody else.

We're doing a lot better now. Even Rob was feeling relieved before he decided that he couldn't handle life anymore.

I could keep going forever, I think. But just getting my thoughts on paper like this helped. It also helps to know that if we were having a real conversation you'd have soooo many arguments and ways to spin this on it's head and make it look like we're at fault like you did with every single argument we ever had but you won't get that chance. You're not allowed to manipulate us anymore. You can talk to whoever you want about how awful of a person we apparently are, but you can't twist us. Never again.

We have amazing friends who actually love and care about us and aren't afraid to say it, who make it obvious every single day and none of us feel like we have to say awful things about each other, it's great. So. Bye. I'm not sorry.

[bexrisa]

--*melodic reconnections - 14july *--

risa stared out of her apartment window, the city lights of seoul creating a warm tapestry against the night sky. a wave of nostalgia washed over her, prompting thoughts of her family back in akasaka. it had been a while since she had spoken to any of them, a reminder of the somewhat distant relationships that had formed over the years. tonight, a sense of longing pushed her to call one of her older brothers, tatsuya, the one she had always looked up to.

dialing his number, she waited patiently as the phone rang on the other end. the familiar ringback tone played, carrying with it echoes of their shared history. finally, the call connected, and she heard his voice, a mix of surprise and warmth laced with a hint of concern.

"hello?" tatsuya's voice carried a subtle note of inquiry.

"hey, it's me," she replied, her voice a blend of anticipation and vulnerability.

"risa? it's been quite some time," he responded, genuine pleasure and curiosity infusing his words. "how have you been?"

risa leaned against the window frame, a small, bittersweet smile forming on her lips. "i've been… managing, i guess. immersed in my music studies."

tatsuya's voice held a tinge of empathy. "i can imagine. seoul's a world of its own. how's the journey toward becoming a k-pop idol treating you?"

a mix of determination and apprehension welled up in risa's heart. "it's a journey, tatsuya, one that's both challenging and rewarding. i'm working hard, practicing, and attending classes."

"that's the spirit, risa," he said with a touch of pride. "you've always been relentless in pursuing what you believe in."

"thank you, tatsuya," she replied softly, gratitude lacing her words. "i wanted to call and reconnect. it's been a while."

tatsuya's warmth resonated in his voice. "we miss you, risa. mom and dad have been asking about you."

a pang of guilt swept through her. "i miss them too, and the rest of the family. can you let them know i'll reach out soon?"

"of course," he assured her. "and don't be a stranger. we all want to hear about your experiences."

risa nodded, her eyes misting. "i promise, tatsuya. thanks for talking tonight."

"anytime, risa," he said warmly. "take care of yourself and keep following your dreams."

"i will," she affirmed, determination lacing her voice. "talk to you soon."

as she ended the call, a renewed sense of connection with her family welled within her. despite the emotional distance, their bonds remained unbreakable. the conversation had reignited her resolve to navigate her path toward becoming a k-pop idol while maintaining ties with her loved ones.

before hanging up, tatsuya's tone turned more nostalgic. "hey, do you remember when dad used to call you 'little melody' back in the day?"

caught off guard, risa chuckled, a warmth spreading through her chest. "i can't believe you brought that up, tatsuya."

he laughed, a fondness evident in his voice. "you were always humming something. 'little melody' seemed fitting."

her heart felt lighter. "well, 'little melody' is still humming away, tatsuya."

he teased, "good to know the nickname still fits. keep the melody alive, risa."

with those words, they said their goodbyes, leaving risa with a mix of emotions. she realized that this conversation had opened a door to deeper understanding and connection. as she looked out into the night, she felt a renewed sense of purpose, both in her journey toward her dream and in staying true to herself through her songwriting. and as tatsuya's words lingered, she found herself reminiscing about her father's endearing nickname, a piece of their shared history she hadn't thought about in years.

tatsuya's voice held a thoughtful note. "you know, speaking of dreams, i heard from yui the other day. her own little idol career seems to be slowing down."

risa's eyebrows lifted in surprise. "really? yui's?"

he chuckled softly. "seems like everyone's on a bit of a roller coaster, huh? life has its own plans sometimes."

risa's lips curved into a rueful smile. "yeah, it sure does. well, i'm going to keep riding this roller coaster and see where it takes me."

"sounds like a plan," tatsuya replied, his tone supportive. "and remember, you've got family who's got your back, no matter where your journey leads."

"thanks, tatsuya," risa said, her heart warming at his words. "i needed to hear that."

"anytime, little melody," he said with a hint of playfulness, and risa couldn't help but laugh.

"keep that nickname to yourself, okay? it's embarrassing," she teased.

he chuckled. "don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

with a final exchange of goodbyes, risa hung up the phone, feeling a renewed sense of connection not only with her family but with her own dreams. as she looked out at the city lights, she couldn't help but feel a renewed determination to keep humming her own melody, no matter where it led her.