#i gained a lot of weight so ive been adding a lot of exercise into my work day which im sure affects it too

[sewergirls]

I am so sick of being fat. I cut out processed sugars and carbs for a week and surprise surprise I'm having a difficult time reaching 2k calories with how much utter bullshit I have to consume (I eat a lot of snacks like carrots, celery, cucumbers, and chia seeds), but I'm also exhausted a lot because of the sudden calorie restriction. I think I need more iron intake, but I'll start eating things like beans and rice on Saturday. Right now I'm mostly eating raw foods and potatoes (sweet + russet) and chicken thighs.

[thedisablednaturalist]

Tw for weight loss mention

The whole exercise will cure your disability thing is a fucking joke. Yes exercise is beneficial for your health, but only if you aren't already on shaky foundations. You need to be on a treatment plan that WORKS before going into the maintenance phase. You wouldn't do regular maintenance on a broken item, you'd work on getting it up and running first. And maybe it would even need specialized maintenance afterwards if it's especially fragile.

I have fibromyalgia and acute degenerative disc disease. My immune system attacks my nerves and discs in my spine are slowly calcifying and causing the bones to constrict and damage my nerves (i think thats how it works). I have days where it feels like my body is on fire from nerve pain and days where it feels like my spine is about to rip from my back. And days where I have both (like today!). I get numbness in my hands and feet. I have horrible migraines. I can no longer walk unaided more than maybe 5 minutes without severe pain. I have something wrong with my knees and hips but the doctors don't know what yet.

You'd think I live an obviously seditary lifestyle correct?

Hell no.

I walk aided on average 6 miles a day over difficult terrain OUTSIDE of regular activity almost everyday. My legs are muscular and strong. I get my heart rate up and a good sweat, like all the gym rats swear on. I am often doing physical labor such as weeding, digging, sample collecting, pruning trees etc.

I'm not saying this to make other disabled people feel bad or prove that they can do anything if they just tried harder. This is an extremely painful lifestyle I've chosen that takes a lot of lifestyle management AND BOUNDARIES to keep up with the work. I also have an extremely forgiving boss who is also physically disabled and knows what I'm going through (deciding between your passion and your health and having to do so each and every day) No one should ever be expected to do what I do. I'm not even sure if I should be doing this myself.

This is to prove that exercise? Has not cured me. My muscles are strong but still hurt as if they're broken and I have to take more breaks than my coworker. I am constantly getting out of breath and I flare up regularly if I'm not careful. I am in excellent physical condition outside of my disabilities. I go to different doctors several times a month to get checked out.

I previously went through a diet program and lost a lot of weight (basically starving myself and got off my depression meds which cause weight gain but are also the only ones that work) and guess what? That didn't do shit either!!! I still felt horrible!!! I've since gained back the weight anyway after switching to focusing on adding more nutrient dense foods than taking stuff away from my diet (also muscle weighs more than fat, and fat helps cushion my aching joints and spine).

The muscle doesn't do shit for my disabilities outside of maybe some stability. Exercising everyday doesn't make the pain go away. Without my medications and aids and nutrition plans and steroid injections and spinal adjustments and physical therapy (that takes my fibro and spine into account) and alternative work methods I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I DO. Exercise alone is like trying to make a car run with no oil. Yes it'll go but it'll get more and more damaged till it can't and will need its entire engine replaced!

And yet I see new doctors and they look at me and the first thing out of their mouths is do I exercise? I should try doing a little every day :) and then i fucking blow their minds when I tell them about my job. No longer can they use that fucking cop out on me. I've been through this rodeo. Ive tried their suggestions. If you are in pain and nothing is helping? Exercise ain't going to do SHIT. You need to get to a point where you can move without severe pain first (if that's even possible). Then and only then should you consider implementing regular exercise if you can. Also weight loss talk is a red flag and a cop out. They made me lose 50+ lbs before they would look into the reasons behind my pain. Weight loss did nothing for me and exacerbated my pain.

I am living proof that all that shit is a lie and a cop out. That is the point of this post. I cannot believe people with serious medical conditions are being forced to put their bodies through extreme duress just to be believed. You are not disabled because of laziness or because you sit a lot. Plenty of people live seditary lifestyles and do not live in constant excruciating pain (they may develop disabilities later in life due to this however, and should be doing preventative exercises to maintain their health)

Please, share my story with doctors. Use me as an example. I am proof that "exercise first treat later" does not work. I should not have had to wait years to have my pain validated. I'd rather hundreds of fakers get (what? A blood test? An MRI?) than one chronically ill person get told to try yoga and go away by a doctor.

[raksh-writes]

Welp, today's the day I finally stepped on a scale after, like, I dunno, years probably? Aaaanndd well... that was a number I haven’t seen there before xd Which is both good and bad.

Bad because I gained a few kgs since the last time and apparently went over the healthy bmi and body fat amount (not by a lot, but like around 1,5 each), if the online calculators are to be believed, but it's also good in the sense this might finally give me enough motivation to kick myself in the ass and start moving goddammit.

I've already been trying to do some light exercises a couple times a week but maybe this will help me up the ante + I have, for the first time in my life, decided to try and count my calories intake. Which is... weird, lmao, but also interesting? I haven’t been eating a lot, tbh, and pretty much no sweets or snacking, I kinda grew out of it? So I guess most of my added weight comes from lack of exercise and maaaybe hormone changes. Ive been on and off the pill several times during the last year-two, currently off for a couple of months, so I think that could’ve thrown my body into alarm mode of gathering fat "just in case".

With the calories intake counting, Im mainly curious to see how much I get in the day when I eat as I normally do and if there's a reason for the weight gain somewhere in there. Like today Im already after dinner and I'll probably only make myself a light supper and won’t even meet the amount the app Im using calculated for me to lose the weight I want (5 kg for now to get back to the healthy bmi scale), so that's very interesting and Im wondering if maybe Im eating less on some days but more on others and that's also making my body "put away" the extra? I don’t actually know how all of this works, so Im just making guesses right now.

And the exercise part, ooof. It didn’t use to be so hard, goodness grace, Im Really out of shape. Tho, I guess the added kgs are impacting me too. Im starting slow, mostly stretching + some squats, some shorter video exercises, the kind. I know it'd probably help to make a regime, but that's only gonna make me miserable, so for now Im setting myself a goal of just Doing Something everyday and whenever I feel stronger, I'll just do more on the day. Otherwise the pressure I put on myself might kill any fun or motivation Id have.

This is pretty much just my personal rambling, which I might turn into a bit of a diary to help myself keep track and all (its weirdly easier to just type up a tumblr post than open up a notebook and write it down? Huh...), so like if anyone got through this whole post, damn, thank you, I guess, hah. If you have any tips, I'd be glad to read them! ^^

Let's see how long this bout of motivation lasts me 😂🙈

[healthyhopefully]

Im Back...

it’s been a couple of years since I’ve really used this account because i hit my goal weight of 145. i maintained a weight between 145-155 for about two years after hitting my goal up until now, the past 3 to 4 maybe even 5 months (its hard to gauge time these days lol) I’ve gained more weight than i have wanted it started out me trying to eat to gain muscle but it turned into over eating and under exercising i’m currently 166 pounds as of today that’s after eating I know i shouldn’t weigh myself after eating but i know my body. im about 20 pounds heavier today than i was this day last year, i try not to be too hard on myself because of quarantine and covid has made this year a lot different from what anyone couldve expected. im just back to try and keep myself motivated and lose this little bit of weight i know i can do this ive lost more before so this shouldnt be too hard my goal date is somewhere around valentines day lol im wanna feel sexy again by then my weight gain has brought me back to an old place i dont like even tho 15 or 20 pounds may not seem like a lot to some the feeling of my clothes being too tight hurts a lot i dont wanna to feel like that anymore ive felt that feeling plenty of times in this life lol im good off that so im getting it together right now  

IM BACK AGAIN💀 and heavier than ever before I’m currently 230 which is crazy asf I had got to 235 but I was also getting my period so idk if that contributed lol ,a lot of things have added to this weight gain but I’m back on my health journey and I want to feel good about myself again I would love to just be 166 again I thought I was huge then but I’ve gained so much in a short amount of time. I love myself and I’m done treating my body like trash I’ve been attempting to eat healthier and lower calories for the past 2 and a half maybe 3 weeks , I’ve been tracking calories and I starting exercising again a few days ago . I feel alot better already just knowing I’m in control because I’ve felt so out of control these past few months I definitely know wishing the past 3-4 months I’ve gained 30 lbs which has me at my heaviest so it made me do some introspection I know I’m an emotional eater and I went way overboard I got trapped in a terrible cycle that I don’t want to go through again. Covid was the initial trigger to my binge eating issues and basically my addiction to sugar got reignited, before that I had kept my weight off for over 2 +years until the quarantine and things have just went downhill from there. I had got trapped at a job I hated after the quarantine which made me eat more to numb my feelings and make me feel like I have more joy in my life that I was dreading back then. But enough rambling, I just want to use this as a journey or me talking about my feelings and documenting my weight loss journey again… the first time was so hard and this time is gonna be even harder but I just know I can do it, I don’t want this weight to define me I don’t feel like I’m who I can be . My whole heart is in this fitness journey .

[mollydollyjournals]

I'm really sleepy but I need to stay awake a bit more and at least wait for the post to get here...it'll be some of my skincare stuff. And my Olaplex arrived earlier with a different courier so I can sort my hair out too. I need to make the bathroom nice. I think if I'm still really tired when I get up I'll try to just start cleaning anyway. I've had today to do nothing so I'm well rested and all, but another day of rest shouldn't be necessary so I'd just be being lazy. Hopefully I won't feel really sick or something that will mean I actually do need a rest.

I was 155 when I got up - I was also 155 later in the day so I wanted to keep it as low as possible but I just checked and I'm 156 now. I don't really know if my overnight 2lb thing is currently functioning. If it is then that's good, I'll be 154 when I get up and that's at least something. Especially if I'm planning on doing another few hours of cleaning. But sometimes it doesn't happen. I'll be annoyed if I'm still around 155.

Although I guess I should be grateful...I was restricting and all and trying to lose and nothing was happening, but then I had some really bad days and yesterday I even had a lot of a particular junk food so...idk what to think about that. Are my scales even accurate?? They seem to be. Maybe I'll do a dumbbell test tomorrow to make sure. But they're still so new and the reviews were good and I don't think anything has been left on them, so I don't know why they would suddenly become inaccurate. It's just why did I not lose anything when I was restricting and then I eat some junk food and do a couple of hours of cleaning and suddenly it starts to go down...?

Having said that, I definitely prefer that to the alternative, which is that my weight won't actually go down after all. Either way, this is why I'm always so eager to work out, in theory. Exercise somehow seems to affect my weight a lot more than what I eat. But it's also the much more difficult of the two for me. Not that restriction is easy, but if I'm feeling sick I might not be able to actually do something physical, so all I can do then is try not to eat.

But even looking back over years, I always lost the most weight when I was doing a lot of physical stuff. I just haven't been able to do much in so long. And it's even more difficult when you're limiting your intake. Sometimes I wonder if I should raise my intake enough to work out more, but I'm always scared it'll just make me gain. Or that I'll eat a lot and then not work out. I guess I might as well try it if I'm not seeing progress from restricting, but it still just feels weird. Idk.

I was meant to have 2 lax sachets today but I had 3 because I wasn't paying attention when I added the water and added too much, so I just added a 3rd sachet. So I'll go back to 2 tomorrow. Did I have 2 yesterday...? I suppose I will have written it on here somewhere. I need to do a couple of days on 2 and then try to go down to 1... I know I said that but I don't remember if I'd already started on 2 or not.

Anyway. It'll be nice if my body can get a normal rhythm back. Instead of this. It's been more than a month now of this mess and I'll be glad to see the end of it. I feel so gross. I get a lot of gas too. It makes me just...hate myself even more I guess. Ive never been comfortable with bodily functions. Including eating, so another factor of my ED stuff. I'd also like to get a more accurate idea of my weight and measurements and all. Alcohol, hangovers and withdrawal affected it a lot and I managed to stop that. But now my digestive system is fucked. Or was. I hope it's not still bad.

So tomorrow...more cleaning, laundry, 2 lax sachets, stay hydrated, try out some new skincare things, probably not do my hair because I'll be really tired, but I have the stuff so I can do it another time. If I can remember where I put my coconut oil. Food wise...apples. It's a good thing I started eating apples again recently because everywhere is suddenly out of raspberries and has been for a while (is it Brexit? Is it Covid? Who knows). I usually have some berries for breakfast and it satisfies any sweet tooth and gives vitamins but without too many calories. So I need some other fruit - granny smith apples will be my thing for now. I also have cereal that's easy to split into 100kcal portions, and some savoury stuff that's fairly low cal. And one ready meal that's quite filling and satisfying when I want a large volume of food, but has way less calories than most do. So I can either have that be most of my calories for the day, or split it into two portions, or do I want to take that risk of upping my intake on the grounds that I'll be doing more cleaning...? I guess I'll figure it out as I go.

If I could lose weight and eat a high intake (well, not really high, just more normal) that would be perfect. There are times when I don't like eating or just can't, but for the most part, I do want to be able to enjoy food. I just don't think I can. Not unless I somehow manage to do 2hrs of exercise or housework every day. And I don't think I can do that either. Maybe I try to exercise/clean as often as I can and on those days I raise my intake? That seems like it'd make the most sense. Idk.

I'm so tired. I want to go to sleep. Normally the post would have been delivered by now but they're always later on rainy days like today. Just need to take that delivery then I can go to sleep and I have loads of stuff to keep me occupied when I get up...

[dwaynepride]

do you have any self confidence tips or your 5000 followers like. i saw that and. im fat in the stomach area and i hate my body. im that "chubby but still technically skinny check" girl on tiktok. tomorrows my birthday and im really trying to lose weight but i've been in a stall and gained some back and like. idk what to do. im trying to count calories but my moms expecting me to eat ice cream cake with like 500 calories and ive already cried and yeah im rambling im sorry but advice?

first of all, you dont have to eat anything you dont want to fucking eat. let everybody else enjoy the cake, your mom cant force you to eat it.

but anyways, fat in the stomach area is hard to lose, i’ve heard. especially if you think you’ve plateaued. and i’m not sure what kind of advice i can give. i’ve never really been on an actual, strict diet. but i did go through a period of time where i started to slim down a bit so?? i can definitely tell you what i did

it was when i started working on my car wash job. for anybody who’s never worked at a car wash, it’s pretty physical. you’re running around all day, drying cars, vacuuming floors, doing a whole bunch of shit. it wasnt a problem for me because i’ve always been an athletic and physical person, but even so, the constant moving around was definitely giving me the exercise i need. i dont know if your diet plan includes exercise, but i highly recommend amping it up if you already are.

go from walking to running. go hiking (i used to hike a lot and it’s definitely a big workout). swimming is a PHENOMENAL way to exercise and i probably recommend that the most.

as for your diet, if you’re already watching your calories, then i suggest to keep doing that!! drinks LOTS of water. eat more veggies than fruits, bc fruits have more natural sugars. and if youre gonna be working out more often, i suggest adding more meat into your diet. red meat or fish specifically, those are great for proteins. if you dont eat meat, then look into what kinda veggies can supplement that.

i know dieting can be hard, and you should remember that not everybody gets the results they want. most importantly, you should work on accepting your body. loving it for how it is. i’ve started getting to the point where i’m kinda comfortable in my own skin, and it’s only getting better. it’s GREAT that you wanna improve yourself and be healthier, but it’s also great to not let all your insecurities ruin you and make you feel terrible just because this diet isnt going how you want it to go.

[weightlessuniverse0]

sorry ive been off tumblr for so long, ive been out of the hospital for around 3 months now and ive gained everything back that i lost + a lot more! im ashamed to say my weight now and can't bring myself to weigh myself its too hard. Im planning on restricting like this for 1 month until i weight myself.

So far its been around 18 days, and ive added exercise back. So i think that will help me loose, but also gain a little muscle at the same time to that i can be thin but my weight isn't drastically low because i will have some muscle.

My parents took away the scale and have hidden it, im going to try and find it soon though. Im forced to go to the hospital every 2 weeks to see a dietician and psychologist and every 4 weeks to get weighted, but usually they hide my weight and refuse to tell me :///// But even tho i have a meal plan, its super super easy to restrict bc my parents let me make, and serve all my own meals, and usually dont watch me eat.

Rn reminiscing on the days where i could eat only 50-150 calories a day. Those were the dayyzzz... lol why humans even need food its so stupid

[ulriketindale73-blog]

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[ifightmywarswithfingerguns]

People say life teaches you the hardest lessons of all and you shoudl learn from those lessons. (insert qupte herer) However, I feel that it isn't life teaching you it is you, you tech yourself these things because they're your experiences and only you can decide how you feel and how you want to live your life. Yes, these are always outside influences. Up the unlimited decisions are always made.by you and you're the one who has to live with said decisions. No one else I the world knows what you want and no one else but you knows how you feel. So why shouldn't the person who is with yo the most by the one who lobes you the most? Life is full of old but I feel the most important love one should feel is the love for themselves. How much you love yourself depends on how you perceive yourself and who you think you are. If you base your self perception on the feelings of others you'll always be unsure of who you are because you are differ t and hold different meanings for different people. Your mother sees a different person than your best friend and you teacher may know more about you than the. Other combined but only you know who you all. Who you are is. On prized of all these things, it is the whole picture not just the pieces taken by different people.

A lot of this perception takes place in our own minds because how we see ourselves is reflected in all of our actions, someone who feels poorly about themselves may nto stand as straight or walk with a certain swager as soemone else who is confident in themselves. And in today's world with the ever constant attack on your girls in the media I find it more difficult to find girls who can honestly say they lvoe themselves and take pride in how intelligent, beautiful, and witty they are. If you ask a woman if they are aware of their beauty they shy away and find 50 things ":wrong" with themselves within twenty seconds because they have a list in their heads of their flaws. It is alwyas there when we're out buying clothes or watching a movie there is a pressure to look, act, and dress adn certian way to be considered attractive. Go to the store and pick up a tabloid and i gaurentee you'll see it plastered everywhere of "how to loose weiht, makeup tips to look better, and hwo to get/please a man." We are tarught that it is our goal to confomr to what the male gaze desrires fom us adn become that no matter how unrealistic. I vividly rememebr thinking if i read all the magazines and dress like them and looked like them aht boys owuld like me and i would be completley happy with every aspect of my life. Thankfully that never happened because I am a different person nwo and how I fel about myself is how every girl/woman shold feel about herself and that is loved. Every woman should love herself for all that shee is because all the media we see isn't real and none of it will ever make you happy with yourself. The media is made that way to make you spend money trying to look like these women who are photoshopped or diet and starve themelves in order to look the wway they do. It is a vicious cycle but it is on ethat can be broken. So that little girls don't grow up and skip meals because it'll make tem prettier. So they grow up to be women who own thier bodies prudly and aren't afraid to say "yes, i am beautiful.". I love body positivity and sein women lvoe thier bodesi no matter how much hair, fat, or stretch marks they have on them. I also love seing women complimenting each other instead of competing to be the prettiest in the room to gain male attention. There is so much propoganda tearing women down that it is empowring and heatwarming to see them wake up and shun the idea that they should be anythin other than what they are. That they should o to extremes to "fit in". Quit frankyl if you don't love yourself of rall that you are you will never be happy ith how you look there will alwyas be somethin ot be fixed. As soon as oyu stop lookin on the ouside for balidatio your life will imporve and your confidence wil improve because if you build youself up with the compliments from men thier criticisms will tear you down. So you become your own bricks abd rebuild yourself and your self image to one taht you like. So you take a look inside yourself and hwo you are to amke taht person better and make thsat person one who loves themelf. 

I am so adament about htis because I was trapped in the world of pandering to the male gze and constnaly fhanign my appreacne to get them to like me which  nveer worked or bsing my self confience on how others saw me and i was miserable. I was depressed, suicidial, and quite frankly i ahted myself and my body image. I still  struggle with my body image because it has been engraved into my brain dn way of thiking of hwo i hsould look adn i have to stop myself form thinmkin gthat way. I am admaent about his becaue i wasted years of my life and destroyed my body for a peive of mind i never got. I am a recovering annorexic and although it has been four years since i "quit" it has never left me. It is an ever looming shadow on my life because it is a constant thing when you have it. I was always counting calories and doing anything not to eat to avoid gaining weight. I exercised excessivly and i remember almost passing out at every workout session i would go to because i hadn't eaten htat day. I had a system of going three days without eating and on the third day maintaing a one-thousand calorie limit. It was toture but i was losing weiht and i gauged the weight by how easily you could see my bones. I pradiesd myself everytime i could see them a little bit more. I cursed myself whenever I did eat on the third day calling myself names like fat, worthless, and weak. Not only di di curse myself i punished myself for eating so much with mroe exercise or waiting an extra day to eat. I thin that was the biggest struglle of all, eating. Every bite felt like i was getting fatter and it was as trule ot force myself to eat a single bite. Every swallow felt like it was stuck in my throat and like i should go vomit ot keep it from getting ot my stomach. it was an awful feeling in multiple asy but mainly becase i love food i love eating and tastin things but i oculdn't llow myself the one htin i lvoed. An incidnet i had where i felt the weakest were When my mother made my favorite mamwhich which i love to death but i couldn't brin myself to eat it even though th esmell was intoxicating. So i went o bed with no dinner that night to get up in the morning and get ready for shcool. I wasso desperate for it i got a spoon adn just tastd it. It was loruious they savyory and salty i even chewed it a little bit but i could not le tmyself swallow it. So i we tot eh sink and spat it out and even went as far as to wsh ti task out my mouth because i couldn't even swallow that it woud be cheating. It was constant and thw rost part was i ot compliments on ym weiht loss. The compliments pushed me to continue even further because i knew it was working. I thrived off of the compliment sbecause it meant my heard work was paying off. Adn you don't get that kind ofprasie from reovery you get digusted looks like " you really let youserlf go". Or irls would be nasty in school like the usually are and i heard comment on haw faat i've gotten and horrible giggles from these gaggles of girls. Recovery is one of ht e toughtest things I ever had to go through and i had to go through it alone because no one knew about it. I coudn't let anyone know about my anorexica and peopel to this day don't know abut it because i kpeti tso well hidden. Although my eatin habits are back and i'm at a normal weigh tnow i still feel the thoughts creep up on me. i still ahe htoughts of "wow you're fat" and i have to tell myelf "yes, i have fat but i'm happy and fat is not a negative thing ot be. Fat is not a person or a noun it is an adjective to describe something and shoudn't define my entie person and how i fel abiout myself. i have fat and taht is kay and the more i accept that the happier i am with myself and the tiem i spent worryign about hwo i looked turned into learnign about why i felt that way and learnig more about myself and the wordl aroudn em. In the years since my recovery I have become mroe eduacted and acepting and aware of the world around me and I feel better for it. I feel mroe empathethic adn it gives me hope fora brihter future where i can be even better than the prson taht i am nw. I always want to learnadn grow ad I hope to ive that experince to someon eelse via my time in college and far after. I want ot encourage women to love themselves and every part of them becaue they desreve to. Because no one should have to go through what i went thorugh and because these girls are worth much mre than thier measurments. They are doctors htey are mothers they are terachers and daughters firefighers senators and presidnets. Women are amazing and capable creatures who deserve to feel some self love  and that is not soomething life will teach you. that is something you ahve to teaf. to love yousrelf deeply and with no bounds. The love the should feel for thiemselves should equal the ones they read about in reomance novels  unconditional.  It took some a long time to get where I am in loving self and who I am and I even falter sometimes when I overheard mean comments and I start to think badly of myself. I have to physically and mentally stop myself and dispute whatever it is that was said about me because I can't let myself jnternalize it. If I internalize it Nd take their opinion a truth I begin to be,I e it and become self deprecating. And now that I am in a better place i still see. Y peers whose still I the negative space that I was in and I even hear my mother and sister picking at their bodies and h Ow they wish they were different or skinnier. And I want to explain how it is a via thing to search for and to try to be. Skinny and healthy do no correlate nor does skinny and happy. It is a long process to love yourself. It is a daily regime of stopping negTive behaviors and correcting them. Small comments like oh I'm so fat or I couldnstandtk lose weight wear your self sped teem. It's about stopping yourself from those thoughts and placing them with I'm amazing and wonderful. Another thing is a denoting compliments 9/10 women will deny any compliments as if they aren't true but accepting them is accepting yourself and agreeing that ueah I am cute or adorable or whatever it is. I never wit any girls to go through the struggle that I went through especially. Yniece. These little things these Mir agrees ions add up over time and really affect how you see yourself and it starts at a young age. Children can be cruel especially she it comes to weight and Eve. Adults are cruel. I remember as a child it was a joke in the family how fat I was but it really stuck with me as I grew up that this I show people see me and bow people see me matters. And I've learned that it doesn't that it is how I see myself and how I h

[xecat]

dumb personal shit

wonders why ive gained weight and feel like crap all the time when 1. i havent been at school for several years now and i used to walk up several flights of stairs every day but 2. i barely leave one room now and there are no stairs easily accesible to me rn and 3. la rona 4. also extreme dysphoria as an added side effect of weight gain makes it harder for me to try and exercise, thus, leading to more weight gain, and more dysphoria, 5. i have barely any clothes i feel like being seen in public with, partially because of a) the weight gain, but also b) a lot of the clothes i wear is stuff i got when i was like 16, so they were getting small anyway, not to mention a lot is “““womens/girls”““““ wear so it further adds to 1- the dysphoria, which also leads me to not being seen in public with the clothes i have, connected to my lack of clothes, and dysphoria, and weight gain, and i cannot do anything about the dysphoria unless i ii) go out into public, iii) exercise, iv) get more clothes, and

no idea where this rambling went

basically. dysphoria - lack of clothes that i like and fit - weight gain - not being able to exercise  . all of it cascades onto itself forever and loops around and around its all connected and to do something about any of it i need one of them to not be an issue in the first place. yet it is

[hskswife]

heavy thoughts |p.jm

Summary: Some words should just be left unsaid

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Words: 1554

Genre: Angst, Fluff

A/N: This was requested and I am sorry it took such a long time because I have never had an eating disorder and I hope that none of you guys ever get one or recover safely from your own battle but I wanted to write it as true to the real thing as possible so I did some research and tried my best. I’m sorry if it’s still far from your own experiences but I hope I do not offend anyone.

Y/N smiled as she placed the waffles in front of her daughter and her beloved husband Jimin. Sitting down she watched as her daughter stuffed her face. Stuffing her own face with the strawberry cream pancakes. While adding some syrup to her pancakes Jimin tilts his head looking up from his own plate to observe her body. Looking at her tummy and cheeks, "Hun don't you think that you're getting a little fat. I think you should start losing it. I mean it's been a really long time since you were pregnant." Shocked Y/N put down the warm syrup bottle as she wiped the traces of sugar on her daughter's face, "Y-You think so?" Jimin nodded as he pointed to her stomach that was bulging out a little, "Yeah it kind of reminds me when you were getting a baby bump. Wait you're not pregnant are you?" Laughing at his remark as she placed a hand over her stomach. "Maybe I should try losing weight." Smiling Jimin continued to eat his pancakes unaware of the seed of insecurity that he had just planted in his wife's mind.

Staring at the idol who was sitting beside Jimin Y/N found herself comparing her body to that of the female idol. Maybe he preferred girls like her. She silently thought to herself as she got up walking to their bedroom leaving her daughter at the living room to play as she stood in front of her reflection. Being disgusted at what she was looking at. A bulging stomach, thighs that were too wide for anyone's taste and her horrifyingly chubby cheeks. Y/N was beginning to think how ugly she was when in fact she is the prettiest version of herself but thanks to the hurtful words her husband had spouted her confidence and self-esteem had decreased day by day.

She began to diet. Thinking she needed to lose more weight she began to think of the calories in her food. She didn't enjoy food anymore. Soon enough she would go from three healthy portions down to two. Then one small portion would be enough to fill her up. Or so she told herself ignoring her body's request for food. Despite lacking energy Y/N would go to the gym for hours to burn calories that she didn't have. Decreasing in stamina Y/N kept her regime. One meal. Excercise. Sleep. Forcing herself to exercise even when she was so drained that she felt like passing out. She concentrated on her exercises her mind disguising it as endurance.

Seeing his wife suddenly going from a woman full of energy to barely having enough strength to lift a finger Jimin began to worry. She had been sleeping through the morning not being able to cook breakfast for their daughter and himself. She spent so much time at the gym that once he was home she would leave their daughter with him and not come home until they had already fallen asleep. He can't even remember the last time they had a meal as a family or even had a day just the two of them. She was acting differently that's all he knew at the moment. Y/N was not her usual self. But what concerned him the most was the noticeable unhealthy amount of weight she had lost in the past three months. The first month he started to notice the changes complimenting her now slimmer self. The second month she got thinner. Worrying him even more as her collarbones became more defined. But he played it off as the exercise ignoring the early signs of her suffering.

But now here they were at the hospital waiting room. Waiting for news from the doctor as his daughter cried in his arms, "It's okay baby. Mommy is fine." He never noticed how much weight she had actually lost until she was in his arms after falling unconscious. As he wrapped his arms around her waist as he felt her ribcage. He felt her bones. Mad at himself for letting it get to this point he mentally scolded himself as he held his daughter close. He was mad because he didn't see how small she was eating. How he didn't see how much strain she had been putting on herself. Crying as he walked into her room, still holding his sleeping daughter, he silently cried harder as he saw her sleeping sunken face. He was disgusted at the sight of the IV bag. She shouldn't have to go through this.

"Careful baby," Jimin said as he carefully let Y/N into their home. His heart breaking as his daughter curiously looked up at her sick mother. "Jimin I can walk okay." She said coldly as she weakly walked to their room.

The next day Jimin woke up to find that Y/N was still fast asleep. Leaving the bed he prepares a warm bath for her before waking her. Gently placing a hand on her face tapping lightly to wake her. "Y/N...baby wake up." Slowly opening her eyes, "What?" Smiling gently at his wife he helped her sit up," Go take a bath Y/N and join Ji Hee and me for breakfast okay."

"I'm not hung–"

"Just join us."

Half an hour later and Jimin smiled up at Y/N getting up from his seat as he pulled out the chair for her to sit in placing strawberry pancakes in front of her, "It's your fave babe." Weakly lifting her fork Y/N just stared at the food playing with the whipped cream on top. Noticing this their daughter placed some strawberries on her mother's plate, "You can have Ji Hee's strawberries mommy. I know they're your favorite. So please eat mommy. So you don't get sick again." Choking back on tears Y/N put a strawberry in her mouth for her daughter's sake. Tears coming out as realization had finally hit her. It had finally hit her how far she'd taken her weight loss.

"Y/N are you okay?" Shaking her head she sniffled swallowing the piece of strawberry she had been chewing on the salty taste of her tears mixed with the sour sweetness of the strawberry, "No Jimin...I'm not okay...how did I get to this point. You and Ji Hee must've been so worried I just. I just wanted to be good enough for you..."

"Baby you are more than good enou--"

"You told me I was getting fat Jimin...I wasn't as skinny as any of the girls that surrounded you at work and I just wanted you to look at me and think I'm beautiful..."

Looking at his food he had recalled making comments about her weight that he had only meant as a harmless joke that he had never thought would hurt his wife so much. Guilt taking over his body almost instantly as he began to cry, getting up on his feet walking towards Y/N embracing her. His heart breaking as he hesitated to hug too tight afraid that he'll hurt her. "I'm sorry baby...I didn't think I'd make you so insecure...but let's do our best to get you back to how you were okay Y/N?" Jimin says lovingly as he sweeps the hair on her face aside kissing her forehead ever so lightly. As Y/N closes her eyes as giving him a small nod as she wiped her tears away. Looking at her daughter's face she smiles as she places another strawberry in her mouth carefully chewing and cherishing every taste.

Recovery for Y/N had been a lot easier than others since fortunately for her she had been diagnosed and had sought for help earlier than the others. Jimin was advised by the doctor to take things slowly. Just like it was losing so much weight in little time. Gaining too much weight in a small time frame can also strain Y/N's body and may even backfire causing some even more serious health issues.

Taking the doctor's advise Jimin and Y/N set a routine. Every morning Y/N would be wake up by Jimin with a glass of water and prescribed medicine that she took before breakfast. As for her food, Jimin had first given her only a little more than what she was eating when she was 'dieting'. Then as the months progressed, Jimin had increased her meals until she was able to take in a healthy amount. More months would pass by until Y/N was finally able to eat three healthy portions a day.

Y/N's sunken face began to look livelier. The pale color of her skin had finally taken in the color she had before. Y/N was beginning to look and act like herself again. She became less irritable. Her energy had once again spiked.

Their family was happy but they can't deny the scars the incident had left. Jimin became more conscious of jokes that had left his mouth. As for Ji Hee, their daughter, Jimin and Y/N would find her placing some of her own side dishes into Y/N's plate when she thinks nobody is watching. Afraid that her mother would become so sick again. So afraid to see her mother's unconscious body being carried into an ambulance. A picture that she can never erase from her memories. But together they were determined to overcome her sickness together as a family even if it takes years.

[petite-lola]

what ive been doing recently and works miracles. tho i weight myself more often and sometimes break the limits with excess kcals from fruits. being in motion means working for like 12hours almost everyday and walking a lot when i have days off. no exercises. gained 0,2 kg from yesterday. which is understandable because i ate big dinner at grandma and i have no idea what she added and she likes to oil everything up. not bad ! i wasnt even hoping to reach 52 this week so im fine. now goal is 51 next monday :) and this week im adding 50 kcals to each of my 4 meals, so im going to have like 1200 kcals a day which might seem huge to you but i have results this way, i got underweight this way soo yeah. 👌🏻

[ktaebwi]

[TRANS] 150429 BTS - The Star Interview

Source: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 KRN - ENG © ktaebwi

Bringing the theme of the beautiful yet insecure present to their third mini album ‘The Most Beautiful Moment In Life PT.1′, we met with BTS who came back after 8 months. 

JIN 

Known as a passionate collector of the famous game character ‘Super Mario’, Jin was asked to imagine what if one day Super Mario doesn’t exist anymore. He said, “My memories and my hobby that I have been collecting the whole time would be gone. Wouldn’t it make me feel empty and lonely?”. He also expressed the wish to have fun and play like the characters in the game if Super Mario exists in real life. 

Talking about his famous nickname ‘Shoulder Gangster’, Jin said “I have been hearing the same thing over and over again so I don’t think it’s cool” and requested adorably, “Listen here everyone around me. Next time when you see me, don’t start by talking about my shoulder, start by waving hello to me.” 

Jin who emphasized on ‘handsomeness’ himself said glasses are the hindrance to handsomeness. He couldn’t hide his envy, saying “There’s a lot of handsome men in the world. My wannabe style is Kang Dongwon-sunbaenim. I have been liking him a lot since I was young. He… has the face that I really want to look like.” 

SUGA 

Among Suga’s related search keywords. ‘nice legs’ stands out the most. “Nice legs that outshine girl groups? It doesn’t seem good for a man. I don’t know if it’s because of my physique or not, but it won’t improve no matter how much I do legs workout, huhu,” said Suga. 

We asked him the secret to having not only nice legs but also nice skin, to which he answered, “Skin care? Not at all. I’m too lazy to apply lotion to I just use moisturizer. Also, if this is considered any secret, I take a bath twice a week.” 

Suga, known as the ‘Ultimate Lethargic King’ that even beats INFINITE’s Sungkyu, said, “I have a nickname called ‘grandpa’. My studio is a small room about 3.3m2 , I don’t go out anywhere except for the bathroom for 3 days in a row. But it’s fine. For music, I choose the stick rather than the carrot*. My belief is that no matter how lethargic I am, I’ll fulfill all of my responsibilities till the end.” 

Suga shared he wanted to live so that even when he’s over 60, he would be able to exclaim endlessly “Wow! Can I promote like that?”. Somehow, his lethargy reminds us of actor - singer Yang Donggeun. 

*based on the idiom “carrot and stick”. 

J-HOPE 

We were curious where the source of happiness in J-hope, who possesses a positive mind, comes from. He told us how he was a born dancer, “I have that kind of overflowing energy in my body. I liked playing around since I was little, a total mischievous kid back then. I especially liked moving around, that’s why I started dancing. Around my third year of elementary school I think? We had to do morning exercises at school, I personally filmed the dances I made and my friends followed.” 

When asked if he faces any inconvenience because of his bright and positive personality, J-hope answered, “Yeah. When I look a little tired or sulky, everyone asks me if I’m hurt somewhere. A-blood type people are often moody, haha!” 

J-hope is the only one in the group with older sister. As we were asking about her personality and appearance, member Jimin immediately shouted “Pretty!”. J-hope laughed and said, “I don’t know if she’s pretty or not… Personality-wise she’s exactly like me. Her favorite member is not Jimin over there, it’s Jungkook. She often sends me messages about choreography through Kakaotalk and asks me to tell Jungkook, haha!” 

RAP MONSTER 

What if in the future, Rap Monster’s children want to be a singer like their father? “Of course I’ll support them. Whether they choose to be an idol singer or a musician is very important. Would I oppose if my kids do my job? I think there’s no way parents don’t have any influence on their kids. My parents? Please support me, haha!” 

Rap Monster scored 850 points in TOEIC exam in his second year of middle school. He’s nicknamed ‘Sexy Brain Man’, having his IQ recorded at 148 in second year of high school. He also assessed himself to be “good at English”. We asked if there is any member he wants to tutor English, to which he replied, “We need it when doing activities overseas so I want to teach the members and my sister too. My sister wants to be a flight attendant… I guess I’m worried about her.” 

Currently appearing on tvN ‘Problematic Man’, Rap Monster picked Jun Hyunmoo and Tyler as the panelists he looks up to. He shared, “Hyunmoo-hyung is appearing on many programs. He loves working so much that he gets IV almost every day. And Tyler-hyung makes me wonder how far can one get when learning a foreign language. Why America is a developed country, his perfect logic and perspective on the world is like a philosopher’s so I learn a lot from him.” 

He also uncovered the hidden rumor spread among fans for 2 years. They said Rap Monster’s heart once stopped. He laughed and said “There’s a line in the 2nd album’s intro that goes like ‘My heart stopped when I was 9 years old’. It’s actually a metaphorical way of saying ‘I lived a meaningless life as if my heart has stopped’, but fans took it literally. Wouldn’t there be a surgery scar on my chest when I take off my shirt then? (laughs)” 

JIMIN 

Jimin, who turned 20 and became a college student this year, shared he enjoyed Japanese lessons when taking Internet lectures amidst his frequent overseas schedule. He revealed to take extreme care of himself, saying “I’m the type to gain weight when I eat so I became sensitive about dieting. Especially my eyes, lips and cheeks keep puffing up! I’m now on a diet too, I’m trying to eat less and stay away from salty food as much as I can.” 

Looking at fans’ blogs, there are a lot of photos of V adoring Jimin, while other photos capture Jimin having a crush on V. We were curious about the two, so Jimin explained, “We’re the same age, so if there’s anything I find hard to talk about with the older ones, I talk to him and he takes care of me. It’s probably why we seem closer.” 

When asked if there’s any day when his visual is not in its prime, he said “I want so too. If fans think like that, I want to continue to be so.” 

V 

Thanks to V’s good looks, his past photos look so handsome that the fans were shocked. Member Jimin who went to the same high school stepped up as a witness, “It was no joke.” 

“I like making friends a lot, but I wasn’t popular much,” V said. Meanwhile, Jimin made a speechless (?) expression and revealed “There wasn’t any female student that didn’t know V. They all nudged each other and looked at him. Wherever we go everyone knows V!”. 

BTS was chosen as the most prominent group among those debuted in 2013. When asked about the secret to their popularity, the members answered that it’s thanks to V’s stan attracting skill. Suga continued, “The fans like V’s unique charm that we can’t understand. He doesn’t pretend to be cute but he looks cute, haha!” Rap Monster added, “V’s selfie skill is instinctive. He attracts the fans with the so-called unedited ‘boyfriend look’.” 

Even though he has a lot of opposite gender friends, V said he isn’t worried about what the fans would think. He laughed, “I have to receive permission to date from my dad, so there’s no worry of getting into a scandal like others.” 

JUNGKOOK 

Jungkook revealed unlike everyone’s expectation of his growth in terms of height along with music, since he’s the youngest, “it seems like my height stops at 178cm.” He explained the reason behind the big scar on his right cheek, “It’s from the time I fought with my brother on who gets to play computer games first when I was young. Come to think of it, it was just a trivial thing. But I don’t blame my brother. We’re guys, don’t all guys grow up like that?”, showing a manly side of himself.

Nicknamed ‘Golden Maknae’ for being good at singing and dancing, even working out, Jungkook shared “I’m not good at studying. (laughs) But I only got one wrong in the Japanese mid-term exam.” Rap Monster praised, “He doesn’t like studying, but once he’s determined he will do really well.” 

The members revealed Jungkook’s excellent drawing skill, to which Jungkook replied “I’m really confident with real life drawings.” They playfully told him to draw Producer Bang Shihyuk’s face in 3 seconds and he did on the interview spot. (Drawing below) 

On being known as the natural enemy (?) of Jimin, Jungkook explained “We actually get along really well.” Jimin laughed, confessing “Actually I lose all the time too. I’m not confident I can win Jungkook.” He added, “I think you need talent to be able to have muscles too. That’s why I always lose to him, he’s muscular.”

[justleeping]

Hello my lovelies, after failing miserably the first few times on my journey to lose weight (and get fit, more on that later), its time i try again, i want that confidence back, i want to feel healthy and more importantly, i dont want to constantly check on my weight to make sure im staying on track, i want to feel it. So for those of you that followed me a few years back, youd know i was knee deep in like, 3 eating disorders and i kinda became a walking (somehow) calorie counter. I was at 145 (135 at my lowest but that lasted about 5 minutes) and eating... gosh. Basically fruit and not much of it. I usually ate paleo which seemed to be working at the time, but it was an excuse to undereat. Needless to say i gained. Like, i /gained/. About a month or 2 back, i was at 189. Ouch. Eating vegan but with no limit on how much i ate or if something is good for me (cake and speghetti all day everyday). I got that way by being in a highly stressful situation and being unemployed. I wasnt moving around and i cooked to deal with my problems. Having no limit on food meant my stomach was huge and could handle 3 servings of pasta, and i thought i was being healthy just because it had some vegetables in it. These things happen, and if it happens to you, dont feel discouraged. I looked at my environment, looked at how and what i was eating, and i tweaked some things, and i also have the help of my roommate who wants to get fit too, buddy systems help a lot. Over the past month ive been working hard to change everything. I am now at 180 as of this morning, and this feels like the actual start, because the easy part (the first 5-10 pounds when you're medically overweight) is over. This is now how i go about everything First, i had to shrink my stomach. This part sucks and can be triggering, but if done successfully, it can make things so much easier later on. Its really simple, basically you fast (or have really smal portions of fruits and veg) for a couple days and work more food in slowly until you feel a healthy serving of something is enough to tell your body its full. Dont over do this pls. Next, i needed to be more active. Luckly ive been in the middle of moving, so ive been active because of that, but i also picked up spinning poi, i try and get out of the house and walk places, i do squats when i wait for my pot to boil when i cook, little stuff. Literally anything is better than doing nothing. And as time passes, work in some more exercises, i prefer small floor exercises. I then had to completely change what my body took in. Things i cut out (aside from small treats now and then) are gluten/wheat products (i usually use rice products instead), sugar/added sugar (fruit is okay), anything on the label that is a chemical or additive, red 40 (this is more so i stay away from candies and boxed snacks. Plus i think its tested on animals so its good to not have it in your life) and any beverage that isnt water, tea (no sugar) or juice (100% with not added anything, also diluted with water) Things i added.. gosh. Every vegetable i can find, i go to asian markets and experiment with new ingredients, keeps me not bored. But first i had to think about why i put certain foods in my body and how much. So i boiled it down to something pretty simple. In a meal i should be getting a serving of protein, fiber, carbs, fat (healthy fat), and the biggest portion of my plate should be vegetables. See the vegan food pyramid. So the goal is to not get double anything. If i make tacos, i shouldnt have both rice and a tortilla. If i panfry something in coconut oil, maybe skip the avocado or visa versa. If im having pasta, no potatoes. If im having beans, no tofu. But double veggies is good. Very good. Also i try to not rely on soy but if i do, then theres my protein and probably a couple other things depending on whats in the product. So example. Yesterday, i asked myself what do i basically want. Something asian and noodley. So rice noodles, boom, no more carbs. I found that i had bell pepper, bok choy, radishes, a few other veggies, boom, a nice variety of veggies done. Now protein... cubed tofu sounds nice. A fat, coconut oil for the stirfry, but not more than a table spoon. My fiber was covered in my veggies, nothings doubles, perfect. So i had a veggie and tofu stirfry on top of rice vermecelli noodles with a lime and chives on top. I find that keeping to this strategy is easy and its easy to fix in your next meal if you mess up. Did you double carb for breakfast? No carbs for lunch. Although i do feel having a double protein for either breakfast or lunch can be good. Especially if youre working out. And.. thats basically it. My methods been working great for me, it allows for small snacks and with exercise, i feel my fat melting off. Stay healthy friends, and stay positive.

[keep-your-feet]

WEEK 7 OF LOCKDOWN COMPLETE

This week I've been super emotional. I cried at a story that Dave told me about a show he's been watching, I cried at a comedy video done by one of my favourite TV show cast... And it's not the girl time or anything.

I've also been feeling pretty damn down about myself and my appearance recently, but this started long before lock down. I do feel that lockdown may be adding to it mind. As before I'd at least make half an effort.. where as now it's more like 1\4. I was hoping lockdown would help me embrace my natural beauty, give my skin chance to breathe and maybe I'd learn to love the 'natural me' but that totally hasn't happened or worked. In fact I feel worse. I saw a picture of one of my partners friends I don't know, and my god she was stunning! Like super model stunning and I was just sat on the decking looking like a fat disgusting hairy slug! Luckily for me I know Dave loves me, and doesn't see me like that. He's often telling me I don't need to worry about 'putting my face on' to just sit about the house etc and I totally love him for that ❤️ but today I needed to make an effort - for me! To remind myself I can feel good about myself when I try. I just wish I like the way I looked more, and when natural.

I used to feel a lot better when I was going to the gym regular, and eating healthy. And in all honesty not much has changef about me physically since I've stopped - lucking Ive not gained loads of weight or anything... But I feel differently emotionally and mentally. It really is true what they say about how exercise, and general 'me time \ self care' can help lift your spirit, mood and mind.

So if anyone is struggling like me, think about something you can do for you, to make yourself feel better..be it a pamper session, a face full of make up, brush your hair for the first time this week, or go for a walk, talk to your friends, Just do something, anything for you today ❤️

[autopersona]

9.12.19

ive had a very disordered past few days, set off by being weighed at laurie’s office last friday. i weigh 122lbs which is like so much higher than ive ever weighed before, i was just barely getting used to the 117 i saw when i went home-- which sent milder waves of disordered thinking, including making sure the scale was accurate by weighing a ten pound dumbbell. i dont know, it just feels wrong, it feels too high, i feel bad that i’ve been drinking ginger ale and eating ice cream, not working out, etc. i really just want to weigh 110. i will feel a lot calmer and better if i actually just weighed 115. im such an impulse person, i only know how to either eat so little that i get hospitalized, or eat whatever i want whenever i want. really my method before wasn’t restrictive in terms of good foods and bad foods, just restrictive portion control (and eventually using laxatives and diuretics). part of me just wants to crash-course do it again and get down to a weight that i can live with, a weight that isn’t constantly on my mind, but i know laurie would weigh me and get really suspicious. i will be honest, this week ive been working out a bit and trying to eat less carbs and sweets- im really good at having a low-calorie day, but when it gets to be like late afternoon early evening, i just crash and i really start craving carbs and sweets. also, like, how could i have possibly gained six pounds in three weeks? i know there are factors, like being on my period, and water weight, etc-- but i think its real weight. i dont want to slip into crazy-disordered ever again, but i do think it is safe for me to lose a little weight. if i go below 105, that’s a problem. i don’t really want to exercise, in fact i hate exercise. i enjoy walking to get places, and i do like yoga and stretching, but anything that makes me really sweat or breathe hard sucks. i think what i will focus on for right now is fluid retention (making sure i don’t eat a ton of sodium). i can weigh myself at work, so that’s a once a week check in i will allow myself. i need to plan on how to avoid those afternoon crashes, or how to counteract them better, and, instead of cutting out dessert entirely, which would make me sad, find a lower calorie replacement option. ive cut out soft drinks which was easy, just replacing it with la croix. and as far as pasta, i should buy some whole grain spaghetti tomorrow so at least im getting nutrients from it. as far as adding to the pasta, not a ton of cheese i guess from now on-- just healthy fats like olive oil, plus sundried tomatoes, garlic, and pancetta. i ordered a nutrient-dense mix from care/of which will be more filling for lunches since the little-to-no lunch is definitely what’s making me crash. so tomorrow, i need to go to the store and buy whole wheat pastas and a low calorie ice cream alternative. maybe some more la croix, and a dandelion root/water retention supplement.