#i fucking pissed I wasted 6 years of my life bc if I didn’t my ass would be free rn

[allofuswantgwinam]

i hate that every time i set a boundary with my mom after the fact I want to cry and throw up l

[libra-stellium]

Reflecting on the Gemini New Moon/Full Moon cycle

As a pisces rising this moon graces my 4H and I have a love/hate relationship with it because on the one hand I get so much energy to do chores at home (especially when I use the moon and saturn planetary hours!) but on the other handdddd there’s always family drama! Most likely with my narc mom!

Right now I’m realizing that A LOT can change in 6 months!! I feel like a different person 😭

On the new moon back in June I was 27 in my 4H profection year so every 4H event was maxed out smh and I had a horrible argument with my mother over the phone and she was blaming ME for a job rejecting her 😀 bc they rejected her for not having a drivers license and she didn’t have one bc I didn’t let her stay in my apartment so she could take classes in MY city specifically when she was already staying with someone in the same state! And then she blamed me for making her waste money when she decided to fly to a different state to get the license there ??? 😭😭 I had to look back through texts to put this together bc I literally blocked this out the last few months but I remember just being numb but also pissed off and just feeling like it’s never going to end!!!

And this is why I always tell people that Astro can describe your situation as specific as possible but at the end of the day you’re the one who has to act 🤷🏾‍♀️ the stars are not forcing your hand!

This time with the full moon in Gemini I can’t even believe that I was dealing with shit like this every day for years 😭 I went no contact with my mom August 1 and I have stood by it and will continue to do so! It hasn’t been easy! Mostly bc she signed a lease at the building next to mine 🙃 too fucking close for my liking but at least she’s not in my building with my aunt anymore. My life has been objectively better since I went no contact 😭 and I hate that that’s my truth bc who wants to realize that their mother hates them and they’re a victim of narc abuse?? Insane!

Examples of my life being better

I have energy!! I found enough energy to go through my closet and donate/trash clothes that have been collecting dust for about 10 years! Basically since I moved out for college til now! I ended up donating 17 bags of clothes, a box of shoes, a box with like a dinnerware set and a bunch of purses that are no longer my style

My apartment is like 90% clutter free rn! Back in June??? Most of my floor was covered in some way! I just have to organize my clothes now that my closet is empty and I need to clear my office area

I decorated for Halloween and now I’m decorating for Christmas and I’m doing a grinch theme 😭

I haven’t ordered food and have been cooking for myself from Nov 17-today Nov 27 and yes it’s only 10 days so far but this is a big step for me!

I also came to the realization that for years I was over explaining myself to her trying to “fix our relationship” but….fixing implies that it was good before…and you’re trying to get back to that 😬….and our relationship has always been like this I’m just the one who grew up and started standing up for myself. Hard realization that our relationship wasn’t something to fix just something to let go of!

[bluecookies02]

Ight bet! I'll give it to you in list form 😊

Favorite color that isn't well known?

Most defining moment in your life so far?

Favorite flower?

Favorite dinosaur?

Do you have any tattoos?

How bout piercings?

If not. Do you want any? If so, do you want anymore?

Whats your biggest fear?

Biggest dream?

Comfort food?

Do you like sweets?

If you could travel anywhere in the world, and in any time period, when and where would you go?

Favorite genre of music? (And any recommendations? 🥺🥺)

Where are you from? Have you ever left your home town?

Who are you when you're all by yourself?

Biggest secret you're willing to share about yourself?

You don't have to answer all of these! I dont wanna make you uncomfortable. And if you wanna just message me and answer them privately that works too!! I hope you have a good day! 💕💕

I ain't no intresting person but let's go😌

1) well my favorite colour is pastel-ish blue, but I don't know what colours r "well known" lmao

2) deciding to enroll into college that is fucking up every drop of serotonin I own🥲

3) So i'm allergic to the flowers that have pollen but I like Lilacs, they be real pretty w tht smol lil batches of cute flower thingies. But if we're talking flowers that I can keep, I like roses. Kinda softer red or those pale ass ones that are mostly white but w a lil bit of any colour gradually appearing in the middle.

4) stegosauruses have tht chill vibe man, i dunno

5)nope

6) also nope apart from the classic ear one lmao

7) I do want a septum but I'm also always sneezing and the idea of snot sticking to it makes me REEEE...Ik it's irrational but shhh it's a problem. I also want a buttload of tattoos but I have to remove my body hairs w a fucking lazer bc I don't trust my clumsy ass w a razor that can cut up my tattoo on accident.

8) talking to new ppl that I know I won't vibe w, hights, bleeding (not like period blood lmao but as soon as I see a large amount of blood coming from me I'll panic, not on others tho, just on me...that sounds selfish doesn't it😂)...and fucking cetipedes( give me any other fucking bug and I'll murder it in cold blood or pick it up if it ain't dangerous....but if I see a centipede...man idk what it is bout them but they have the perfect body structure to sneak into your ear and rub their ugly legs in your ear wax)....

9) Find a nice cock in life yk...Not waste years on giving tht gluck gluck 9000 to the wrong person😩 And have a decent job that pays bills and vibratos and hopefully some of my parents bills.

10) peanut butter, fries, anything fried rly, and chocolate filled croissants(dunno if they have a diff name when they r w chocolate) oh and also sunflower seeds or whole peanuts bc breaking them open is therapeutic lmao.

11) everything except caramel and gummy bears I think. I am also not a fan of those sour/sweet candies.

12) Japan bc I want to try the food and feast my eyes on the pretty😩 Time vise I don't really care where it is as long as it had macho strong armored men that can make me into their living fles- yk what, next question

13) sadly, only tiktok songs but you can dm me for my saved sounds 😂

14) I'm slavic, ain't tellin where I'm from tho reee, And I did leave my home town a lot I guess. I've been to Greece, Slovenia, Italy, Bulgaria...And I've been to many cities all over my country bc everything is pretty close and if it isn't, we had school trips that took us

15) a big blob of sad horny and tired.

16) My secrets are so secret that even I don't know what they are. But apart from that I obviously am not developing a piss kink yk. And I do not want to cosplay certain characters bc I want to flick it while looking at the mirror. Dunno If I make an OF, no I didn't 😌

haha

b y e

[bottlesandcats]

Pardon My 15x20 Rant

I woke up this morning with Thoughts, so time for a ranty post. Be prepared this is going to read more like word vomit than anything, but I just wanted to get my thoughts down on paper. No one may even read this bc I don’t have a lot of followers but it feels good to just get this off my chest and out into the Universe. Warning, there is a gratuitous use of caps.

So....I see so many fans on Twitter saying how beautiful and perfect that ending was and, I have to say, I’m truly bewildered by that.

 Even if you aren’t a Destiel fan, I’m not sure how you could’ve found that ending to be remotely satisfying. See list of non Destiel-related reasons below (bc I’m trying to see this from the perspective of someone who isn’t in that part of the fandom):

1. The MOW was crap; wtf was with the Halloween masks? When have we ever seen that with vamps? The dumbest shit I’ve seen. 

They trotted out some extra from season 1 like it’s supposed to be some fun little Easter egg. Why are we supposed to give a shit about her? I didn’t even remember her with the flashback. Who are you, again? NM, I DON’T CARE. It also honestly made no sense to feature a MOW episode after everything that just happened, it wasn’t necessary. It was clearly just a means to an end to get Dean killed.

2. They shoved some random family, for Sam, into the last ten minutes of the episode. Sam’s kid is named Dean? OF COURSE HE IS. And that whole father-son montage was so clunky and awkward, I would’ve been more convinced if you told me Sam actually just wandered into some anonymous woman’s backyard and started playing ball with her kid. 

We’ve seen how emotionally invested Sam gets in his relationships and we’ve had such beautiful moments: Sam/Jess, Sam/Madison, (even Sam/Ruby), and of course Sam/Eileen. And now we are supposed to care about Anonymous Brunette Woman #4? GTFO. I’ve seen some people saying they couldn’t get Shoshanna bc of COVID, but give us something to indicate it was Eileen. Have Sam sign something to her from across the yard; IT’S THAT SIMPLE. But no, not one single mention of her in either 19 or 20, after Sam nearly broke when he lost her in 18.

 I couldn’t even feel happy for him bc I had 0 emotional investment in this life of his. And it was all just rushed through so we could get to the “good part” where Sam dies and is reunited with Dean in Heaven. 

Also small note, what happened to Dean’s dog???

3. The wardrobe department really needs to reconsider some of their life choices. I’ve seen tufts of cat hair in the corners of my house that would’ve made a better wig than that rag they threw on Jared’s head. It was so ridiculous, I started thinking this was going to wind up being some big gag like The Mystery Spot” and The Trickster was going to pop out. 

And why did Jim Beaver’s beard look like they spray-painted cotton balls brown and glued them to his face? It was honestly distracting. 

4. After 15 years, and FINALLY achieving freedom and happiness, Dean gets taken down by a rebar and a Vamp-mime. The only way I could justify this to myself was that, now that they are no longer God’s puppets he’s not bending the rules for them and they don’t have that death-defying luck on their side now. But even that is weak. After all his fighting, sacrificing, and wanting nothing more than to chill on a beach with Sam and Cas, this is what he gets. This was a show about defying destiny, THAT WAS THE WHOLE PLOT OF S15.

 Dean always said he figured it was his destiny to die bloody, and that’s exactly why he shouldn’t have gone out this way. STORY ARC, WHAT’S THAT? Cas told Dean, when he first met him, that good things do happen. So basically, the only way Dean could get his happiness was to die? What a heart-warming message. 

5. Dean’s lack of emotion over the loss of Cas was the most OOC I think I’ve ever seen from him. Dean DOES NOT accept the deaths of those he loves in any way. He does not cope, he does not move on, he does not happily eat a bunch of pie. We’ve seen how Dean has handled Cas’s death in the past. It’s...not good, and it only became more unhealthy as the show progressed, with the last time (before 18) having Dean literally killing himself. Even in 15x19, we still got that desperate heartache from him with Dean demanding that Chuck bring Cas back. We also saw him sleeping amongst a pile of empty liquor bottles, which is very on-character for him. But in 15x20, he’s the one telling Sam they need to move on and keep living (oops) over a giant tray of pie slices at a county fair. Even Sam feels off. One minute he’s all “I’m sad about Cas and Jack” and the next he’s putting a pie in Dean’s face and is like “I feel better now!” You’ve got a direct in with God!Jack now, and we know from 15x19 that God can pull beings out of The Empty bc he did it with Lucifer! THAT WAS YOUR IN, YOU IDIOTS. You ask Chuck to bring back Cas, but not the one to whom he was a father to????????? 

6. Even if you weren’t a Destiel shipper, you should still be disappointed in the noticeable absence of Castiel, especially since he was left with such a cliffhanger of character development and was mentioned multiple times in episodes 19 and 20. He was a pivotal part of the show for 11 years. Even if you take out the Destiel stuff, the boys have called him their brother numerous times. Dean’s call him his best friend. Wouldn’t his ideal Heaven have his best friend in it?

7. I’m not going to rail on the scene between the brothers while Dean is dying. I didn’t really get Wincest vibes from it, though I never put much stock into that side of the fandom anyway. My one issue is this was the “love confession” moment they gave us. Dean dying in a barn and telling Sam he loves his baby brother. *SNORE*

8. The big reunion moment we were hoping for? They wasted it on Dean’s car. A FUCKING CAR. Yes, I get the Impala is important to the story, but come the fuck on. NO CHICK FLICK MOMENTS. MUCH BRO. 

All-in-all the whole ending felt like 1 step forward, and 15 years back. After all the character development and story arcs, it’s like they just threw it all out the window. Nothing changed. Everyone was back to where they started: Cas working for God, Dean being a good soldier and dying bloody doing the only thing he knows how to do, Sam being left to pick up the pieces with some distorted version of an apple pie life where he was basically just living to die so he could be with Dean again. I felt like the lesson was that the only way you get what you want is to die. It was gross. It was a disservice to the actors, the characters, and the fans. I can’t begin to even see this as fan-service bc I’d love to know who the TPTB thought they were serving with this garbage. And honestly, I don’t think they knew either. I feel like they were so worried about pissing off all the different subsets of the fandom that they went as safe as they could. *slow claps* Way to go, guys, really groundbreaking stuff.

At the end of the day though, it’s my fault for being disappointed. I shouldn’t have expected so much of a show that had mostly cis white men working behind the scenes. A show that’s killed almost every female character who stepped up to the plate (also, POC anyone? Nahhh). A show that took their one real LGBTQ character (also female), killed her and left her body in a bathtub (FRIDGING IS FUN) for absolutely no good reason. A show that, at the end of the day, is just a show about a couple bros who kill monsters, on the CW, and the CW is hardly the go-to place for real boundary-pushing content. A show that has managed to drop the ball at almost every opportunity though we, as a fandom, have continued to lower the bar for them.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 100 times? 

So with all that being said...

Peace out bitches.

[aharris00britney]

ASKS 04

wow I let this build up didn’t I.... updates on the ViVi inspired hair, Sim download info, some sweet people, some K-Pop, and other stuff below

@agentwashsims​ said: I️ knew you wouldn’t disappoint on the curly hairs!

Thank youu! lmao it is a pretty basic edit but I’m glad you like it ;-;

Anonymous said: Could you convert the solid colored EA Cruella DeVille style for girls or tots?

Actually it has already been converted HERE (warning: she uses an ad thing :( )

@pierce-the-rachel​ said: Okay hello I just love your cc so much!!! Like you're amazing I what you do. Much love<3   

Thank you so much omgg I am not nearly close to being amazing but I appreciate it <3

Anonymous said: Hi! Is there any chance your sim that modeled the Braxton hair will be up for download? Along with his cc?

Yes! In the next week he 100% will be. Taylor will be posted tomorrow :)

Anonymous said: What skin do you use on your male models? It looks the same as the female one but I can’t find it in CAS.

Check my resource page for my default. I don’t have the overlay labeled on there but in the next few days when I have my male model for download it will be listed there.

Anonymous said: I love your whistle skinny jeans alot, I was wondering if you were ever thinking about making one without the jacket around the waist? Sorry for wasting your time :P

That is sadly out of my ability :( but I am glad u like my whistle skinny jeans!! Not a waste of time to give someone a compliment

Anonymous said: Not exactly an ask but. I love your cc, you create beautiful content, and no matter what others say someone is gonna like it :)

Thank you soooo much omfg I really fucking appreciate stuff like this.

Anonymous said: Your creations are so awesome! I always love coming to your page and seeing all of your amazing creations!!

Thank you!!!!!! omg I feel bad that I never respond to these until I do these things, you guys that send these prob think I ignore them ;-; but for the people who read these and who send them: I really appreciate it like so much ;-; it has been a meh couple of weeks which is why CC has been slow but I love you all so much <3

@raivynmoon​ said: Omg why do you always get so much hate from anons? I’ll tell you why, because you’re doing things right and toxic people get jealous. Don’t mind the haters, you’re amazing! Happy new year ❤️ 

I actually don’t get that much hate! I never really pay them any mind bc I know as long as it is something I like that I will release it. People do def prob get jealous they can’t mesh stuff that well, not saying I am the god at it, but I do have some talent in that area from doing it for a while. Happy new year to you too!!! and thank you for the ask <3

Anonymous said: hey i just want to say that all of your cc is amazing, you put so much time and effort into it. of course everyone can give you feedback and opinions about what you make, but you are the creator so you can do whatever you want with it. that anon below was just rude, inconsiderate, and isn’t really helping anyone. that person obviously doesn’t make cc hair, because im sure then they would understand and not be a total jerk about it. maybe they should just stick to makeup, instead of hating.

<-- what she said (thank youuu)

Anonymous said: well I think that all of the hair you make is really great, even if not everyone likes it. You spend so much time making these amazing hairs and shout-out to the person below: why would you waste your time hating on somebody else’s hard work when you could be creating makeup cc? You don’t put your effort and time into creating this kind of stuff, of course I know you were also giving feedback.

Thank you <3

Anonymous said: THE HAIR IS CUTE AF

Anonymous said: Wcif the hair in your "In The Time Spent With You" post? Thank you!♡

Deleted :( I never got it to look how I wanted so I never finished it

Anonymous said: I'd just like to say that the hair looks pretty, honestly your hairs are always high quality and never fail to dissapoint, I'd just say that it could be a little puffier on the sides, and over all ignore the haters, they probably couldn't make anything close to what you're making! Luvs. 

Thank you!! I tried puffing the sides up some, here is a comparison pic:

(brown is now) (blonde is before)

@twirlyb​ said: I love the idea of the hair and I think it looks good so far but so you think that there's anyway to add for volume? I love the hair that it's based on and I really want to have it in game. I Completely understand if it's not an option but I though I would ask anyway. Btw I think your hairs are amazing. I went mostly cc free for a while (not anymore could handle not having cc but) and the only things I kept were my defaults and some of your hairs that I absolutely can not live without.

Refer above lmao

@cutesimmer23​ said: Hi , anonimus , I have a message for you. If you think Austin's cc is trashy , it's just your opinion. His ccs are one of my top favourites , and I support him in all that he does , even if that's not too good. He tries to do something and , even it's not perfect at the first time , he tries to perfect it. I really love his cc . And I have something more to say. If you are that good at cc give Austin a message (not anonimously) and then we will see who's the best. We love you, Austin!

Thank you <3 You're lovely for sending me this

Anonymous said: heyy love your blog and all of your creations. wcif ALL of your sims? do you ever upload them to the gallery?

Macie is already posted, link on my resource page. Taylor will be posted tomorrow, and my male model will be posted next week. The rest idk

Anonymous said: um can that damn anon piss off. your content is absolutely amazing and some things aren't for everyone but someone out there will love and appreciate it. also the hair in your profile picture looks gorgeous. is it released yet? and the wip you posted is cute af. ignore those haters <3

Thank you <3 Hair in my profile pic is my HyunA hair :)

Anonymous said: Hi, so sorry if anyone has already asked this, but I was wondering hat your origin ID was, since your sims are super cute!? Ps. I'm totally in love with your blog!!!

My origin is Spotharris but it does not have much on it right now, Ps. thank you

Anonymous said: Do you have any K-Pop albums? Which ones?

Oh my! I have a few! I have Red Velvet’s Perfect Velvet, and 6 LOONA albums (Kim Lip, Jinsoul, Choerry, Yves, Mix & Match, and Max & Match)

 Anonymous said: I miss you having Macie as your icon :(     

Me too jush she needs to make a comeback     

Anonymous said: Hey I was wondering if you could do a tutorial on how to make a middle parted hair side parted ?? please

I might do a livestream sometime in the future that is me remaking a hair like Joy or something where I did that. I am really bad at video stuff though so like... someone help?

Anonymous said: Can I just say how much I absolutely love all of your hairs? Like your so talented in making cc. Please keep up the great work!

Thank you!

Anonymous said: Can you convert the cupid eyes you posted for dogs/cats? It's fine if you can't, jw!

rip I can but I really don’t want to ;-;

Anonymous said: I just want to say I love you so much! All your creations are so beautiful and I use them ALL the time. Happy Holidays! ~ V

Happy late holidays!

Anonymous said: Do you have all of your own CC in your game?

Nooooo lmao

Anonymous said: does ur hyuna hair work with the ombres?

She does not :(

Anonymous said: make more diverse sims

gotcha

Anonymous said: yo i remember when you first started out and you were just starting.  now you've improved a HELL of a lot. like WOAH (i love your cc)

we don’t speak of those times in my life ok

Anonymous said: I don't know if you are open to cc requests, so if you are, would you ever consider separating them utility jacket from cats and dogs? I've seen so many people recolor it but I can't find it as an accessory, and I've looked everywhere.

A friend of mine tried it but it was really glitchy :( Maybe in the future I could give it a go?

Anonymous said: LIPS, HIPS LIPS, HIPS (ahh, ahh) L-LIPS, HIPS (ahh, ahh) Hi-hi-hi-hi-hip (POP!)

yes i agree with everything

Anonymous said: I have the same b-day as you

only legends were born on that day. and December 2nd.

Anonymous said: Your birthday is the day before mine and the day after my sister's            

So close to being legends.... sad

Anonymous said: I thought, you're female😅😅🔫

rip ur mind after i blew it up by being a male

Anonymous said: damn didnt know u were homophobic lol

oh

Anonymous said: fmk: danny devito, shrek, and jim carrey's the grinch

fuck danny bc idk who it is and i know a hot danny. marry the grinch bc he i like mayor of whoville after the movie. kill shrek and take the donkey.

Anonymous said: ahHHHhhHh idk why but i love you so much(not in a weird way u pervery xddd)

thanks babessss

Anonymous said: You should start a gameplay

I dont have the computer or the time for that I am sorry to say

[freakymysty]

Late night ramblings:

I hate hanging out at my sister’s house bc it feels like it always plays out in the same boring way: we get there for some meal, the girls immediately want to go outside to play with neighborhood friends afterward and then it just turns into hanging out in the driveway watching her and her husband talk to their neighbors who I don’t really give a shit about and I’m just sitting there bored and feeling awkward bc I literally have nothing to say to them. Or if the adults in the neighborhood aren’t out they’ll sit out there for 30 mins with us then just abandon us to watch the kids while they go inside to hang out by themselves and my mom never says anything about it so I feel like I’m the only one taking that kind of personally. Or if we for some reason don’t all go outside it still ends up that after the bare minimum time spent with us they quietly disappear into their bedroom and literally close the door to hang out by themselves and we’re just supposed to play with the girls alone. The only time I feel like we’re all together is if we’re watching tv but I don’t understand why we can’t do anything fun like play a game or something. Then I just get pissed off and want to leave the whole time but my mom insists on staying for hours even tho it feels like a huge waste of time. I’d rather be bored at home. We were there for literally 8 hours and didn’t do a damn thing other than sit outside watching the girls play while they were inside basically ignoring us. And it was Mother’s Day so I feel like they could’ve put more effort into trying to play a game as a family or something but whatever.

The fact that this happens exactly the same way every single time makes me hate hanging out with my own family and I don’t like feeling like that but it feels like literally nothing is ever going to change. I can’t tell my mom to go over there without me bc that’ll just make everyone mad at me and then I’ll be the bad guy. I’ve already tried a couple of times just staying home during like 1 small event and it feels like it gets turned into a huge deal and I’m suddenly the worst person ever for wanting a tiny bit of time to myself. Like a couple of years ago during thanksgiving I decided to leave a little bit early to go home (after being there for literally 8 hours again and luckily I had my own car with me for once) and relax a bit before my mom and aunt and uncle came home after me bc my aunt is a giant pain in the butt to deal with and literally everyone looked at me like I was insane for leaving. My aunt was snippy and dramatic after they got home and my mom got all huffy and threw a ridiculous fit over some stupid thing and it was all just because I decided to leave 1 hour earlier than usual. Then when my aunt visits I try to send them off to do shopping by themselves and every time they act really fucking dramatic that I don’t want to go watch them try on clothes for 6 hours. Like why is it so important that I’m there when you aren’t even really including me in anything or making anything fun? But then my mom never says anything about my sister locking herself away in her bedroom and treating us like free babysitting every time we go over so it feels unfair that me trying to carve out a tiny sliver of time to myself is such a horrible thing to do.

I’ve just reached a breaking point after being stuck in a small house with my mother 24/7 last year bc of the pandemic. She works from home now and I lost my job and was avoiding applying anywhere so I wouldn’t catch COVID and give it to her. But now that we’re both fully vaccinated I’m ready to just find whatever I can take and get out of the house for a few hours a day, especially since my mom still isn’t going back to the office for the foreseeable future. And I’m honestly ready to move out to my own apartment and start trying to live my own life bc I feel so constricted by this expectation my family has that I be constantly available even tho we literally never do anything and I feel suffocated by the boredom. I’ve been daydreaming about moving to another state to get away from them for a while. I’ve never even lived on my own tho so I feel like that is drastic but then it feels like even if I get my own apartment here I’m still going to be expected to drop everything to hang out all the time or they’ll constantly find a way to have the girls sleepover at my apartment every other weekend. Then I tell myself to calm down, take it one step at a time. Get a job here first, get an apartment, live on my own for like a year, then start exploring ways to move to another state if I’m still miserable. And I’m so anxiety-riddled with the mere thought of having to apply for jobs and do interviews that it’s ridiculous I think I can move to a whole new state out of the blue. I need to start with a job.

I really needed to type all that out somewhere.

[talesfromacrip]

Tea Time With Yours Truly:

Don’t you love it when you finally realize you’re truly moving on from a toxic situation like the adult you are, when a song you like makes you rethink your visions, feelings, etc. of someone?? or it that me? everything starts to feel entirely new again though regardless. better n’ cooler bc you know you’re not suffering anymore.. just, a fantastic feeling. woo

fucking incredible. I’m F R E E. absolutely free. still hurts though. some things made me realize I should’ve done it sooner and I did. as best I could, i did.I tried all I could and I succeeded for the most part,but damn do they haunt me so badly. I hate it.

Go away, pest. the last 5/6 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I want off.somehow I did,the ride still catching me occasionally and pulling me back on, dragging me to the unknown

((some good things happened here n’ there like me meeting some friends I still talk toooo, playing new games and finding new animes))

it’s just good to know though that my mind doesn’t associate them with anything anymore bc they didn’t deserve anything much tbh. just like told me

———

———

I really want to bug my online buds constantly. From when I get up to when I fall asleep. send them memes, all that funky jazz..but I don’t. I can’t. I feel like I’m too clingy.. too needy.

I AM ACTUALLY. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too much, blah, blah, blah. Something "bad". Shit the grump hated that has just stuck to me like black balloons since. (( NF is the same with his mental issues. I’m glad to know I’m not alone with thinking of depression, anxiety, etc. as black balloons. Their like lifeless weights, but we still feel them weighing us down))

I love constant communication, especially from close friends.. bug me. 24/7. whenever, whatever. I don’t do anything. much that is. I’m overwhelmed when communicating nowadays so help me out pls??or not><

I don’t ask for it much though bc i was put down for asking for it. I was always told to say certain things as well, not think a certain way, send things at certain times. nothing nsfw even though we where adults. no art much bc it was always judged, other dumb shit.. I felt like the ultimate fucking bother bc of that.. person.

So I stayed to myself because of that and that made me worse ove time.

((I drove some people away when I did and I still am I feel,but I’m trying not too.. I couldn’t deal with myself though, I felt absolutely horrible. When I did, I said some nasty shit and I regret it all because a prick made me feel like complete shit and worthless about myself. I didn’t have to take it out on others like that, but wow.. I did. If I told anyone though,he’d come after me and that was what I didn’t want.. so nice huh?))

I felt like a broken down old dog. I still feel like that occasionally not as bad. not a pleasant feeling at all though

Are all of the things that make me like this really that bad or annoying or make me even less though?? fuck no it doesn’t. It makes me wayyyy better and much more cooler honestly, but those feelings still linger bc the manipulation was so bad..

—

Why the hell would you want me to be boring or better yet be with a boring person who doesn’t talk much and puts others down for similar behavior??

Why would I be with someone who doesn’t share any interests with me much or puts mine down bc they’re childish or unnecessary??

Why would I be with someone that doesn’t communicate anything at all and whatnot,like...please tell me??

I’m genuinely fucking interested.

-

They told me I was always being too nice all the time. too soft, too babyish. too honest. too sensitive. blah, blah, blahhh. whenever I said something that was tooo personal or informative it’s like: "That’s too much information don’t ya think??" UMM, N O?? "Don’t say that around me ever or I’ll unfriend you and never speak to you again." Okay.. THEN DO IT, PUSSY.

Fucking asshat, douche canoe looking ass cunt.. ((He didn’t like those words or almost any word tbh it seems. true killjoy, I swear and I thought I was. I couldn’t even say oh my god or anything with lord in it because he’d then start saying "why are you saying that when you’re an atheist?" Umm actually I’m agnostic.. ))

he hated the whole "umm actually" deal too that I would do.. literally drove me up the damn wall every time. who fucking cares if I say that?? I’ve been accustomed to it because of my parents and people in general. come the fuck on now

It’s pretty common to say, twit. Don’t take it seriously, joke or not to piss me off to make you happy..man, he irritated the hell out of me and I’m glad he’s gone. like..look ‘bud’ should I just be angry and a constant liar and hateful and just, overall vile like you then all the time?? Guess so huh!! ohh boy!!

Which was almost that unfortunately.. i’m not good at lying and all like you though, you snake. when I did it wasn’t how I was feeling, it was how you felt.. which disgusted me.

I was always honest to you. maybe a few lies, but those were mostly about certain games that I didn’t really play and what I was laughing at. which was your dumb ass most of the time.

He made me start to hate things that made me very happy by being a total prick about it.. I miss feeling overwhelmed with overflowing joy for the things that bring and brought me peace.

I still have it, but it’s not as strong as it was before because some dumb fuck stepped on it too much telling me I’m weak in the process.

I couldn’t like anything anymore much without hearing him yelling at me occasionally and others as well that I never noticed till everything happened. just,yelling at me loudly and telling me how awful i am and other annoying, idiotic shit.. maybe that was your plan all along , to ruin me. ruin my confidence, my strength and my will to move up and thrive in life..

you tried dragging me down your well for being myself when you couldn’t.. pathetic. I bet you’re happy bc you feel like you ‘succeeded’ with this,but you didn’t win the war.

You never will

———

———

they always manipulated me to dislike the things in life that made me happy. This irritated me a lot.. ((my interests in obscure and ‘buttrock’ bands/music in general, anime, weird games, my love for peculiar art, my badass friends..))

said absolute dumb shit if I got closer to some more than them. ((making me waste sooo much god damn time. say you’re busy all the time even though you live a "boring fucking same day to day lifestyle." tell them how you can’t message all the time when in fact you can and that you’re constantly on the only device that gets you connected to the world outside. tell them.)) makin me lie and be distant about how I felt with some of my amazing friends..

It was never about how I truly felt, but how they felt for me. (("Ohh they made you feel like that?? Well, it made me feel like this and you should too because //insert dumb explanation here//.", "You shouldn’t feel like that towards them, they don’t deserve it.", "Maybe I deserve to be treated like that instead, screw them.", "Don’t feel like that towards them or //issue//, thats absolutely appalling, childish, flat out sappy.", "Don’t let them know how you’re really feeling.. just act like you don’t care at all. They don’t care to help you anyway or else you’d be living a better life.", "They’ll just spread it around so just stay quiet instead until spoken too about it."))

E N D ME !!!  

Pls, I beg of you.. not really but the thoughts though, please

———

———

he would tell me to not bug him when hes on a game, but he could to me. even on social media, which is how we stayed connected and not by messenger pigeons like it’s the 1500’s.

"Don’t bug me on FB when I’m not on." Okay, but I wanna share this with you...?? also, how the hell am I gonna know when you’re on when I’m drawing and trying to occupy my on edge brain??

proceeds to spam me shit in process irritating me. "Don’t bug me, don’t bug me" I hear like a whiny little baby.

"Why do you bug me all the time??" UMM, MAYBE BECAUSE I CARE AND I WANT TO UHHH, IDK SHARE THIS NEAT SHIT WITH YOU??? PENDEJO PUTA DE MIERDA!!

"I’ll message you and send invites when I feel like it." - Shithead towards the end. Circa 1818. ((Yeah, weeks or a month later like nothing happened. "I’ll see you later or tonight when I see you on, get back on, when I’m done eating" just, excuse after excuse..))

((IM ALWAYS FUCKIN ONLINE 24 GAT DAMN 7.  YOU KNOW THIS, SHITHEAD. I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SOMEONE IN THE DAMN GROUP. DNT FUCK WIT ME, MY TIME, OR PATIENCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. S T O P. And it did.. thank g o d))

———

———

would literally make me wait around and feel like a complete and utter fool when instead he could’ve messaged and been like maybe tomorrow or something, but no.. nothing. made me believe in all sorts of dumb shit. ((Sad I did, but I was pretty gullible. still am. some stuff was just, a big nope though and obvious. I wouldn’t let him get to me that much, but he did in some ways.. disgusting ..))

I was made to feel like I was cared for when in fact I never was to begin with. explains a lot tbh. I felt like a disgusting half empty shell of a person with barely any fragments of a heart and soul left inside. that’s very dark, I know, but that’s how it feels in a way

"It’s not real, this depression you’re feeling, it’s just a phase. it’ll pass/ just suck it up and move on / don’t worry about it you’re fine, you’re just overreacting or overthinking about it / think positive more and be happy nothing bad has really happened to you yet/ I remember when you didn’t act like this."

HOW AND WHAT?!? EXCUSE ME, PEASANT!? SAY THAT AGAIN.. TO MY ACTUAL FACE. I DARE YOU N’ YEAH, I DO TO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

———

———

I love how people ((friends and some mutuals)) thought I actually wanted to be, be with him, romantically and all that, that is but I just couldn’t..it was never there. I felt it for others though or someone to be exact, during those times which is how I knew I was in a toxic situation and it wasn’t real love or love in general I felt for them. just a facade

I just couldn’t let people know how badly he was treating me so I was sucked into a woven web of lies that got out of hand and ruined some pretty good moments for me completely it seemed

I never once wanted to fuck him or anything of the sort.

at first, we were kinda flirty and sweet with one another. talkin about cuddlin n’ goin on silly dates when we meet ya know. cute and fluffy things. things I got shit for down the road keep in mind. we’d give each other cute lil compliments to one another. It was just, cute and fun stuff ya know. especially since we were young as well.

there was never anything sexual between us either or too sexual, just crushy feels. ((I’m really fucking glad because mm, mmm. hard fucking pass))

he’d never and i mean never get my moist meter high, EVER. drier than this damn valley I live with scattered tumbleweeds, I tell you. not even a lil tingle. no bells ringing.fireworks flinging. I thought about it too and I’d just get disgusted tbh. thats how I knew

I felt like he’d be the worst in the end anyway and he was in general. he wasn’t even comfortable with himself or his sexuality and others things.. sooo, noooo, NOPE. thank u, next!!

I’m completely comfortable with mine.. thanks to my friends and some a bit more. I’m a bit scared to admit though that I’m demi bc of manipulation, but it is.

Happens unfortunately and I know I’m not alone on this journey of self acceptance. I wouldn’t have mind talking about it though, in a calm civil manner like adults do instead of giggling and making weird noises like an idiotic child.

Having it being brought up randomly amongst mutuals and all that got extremely awkward too as well, I hated it. "You wanna fuck him?", "You ever thought about it you two since y’all so close?" crickets and a few mumbled noises.. HA.mmm, I cared about him or what was left of him, not like that. honey flower ain’t or never will be feelin it for him.. EVER. HE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED ME AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SEX THAT MUCH OR MYSELF LIKE THAT SO FUCK HIM. uwu

She’s kinda quiet and scared tbh because he’s such a total killjoy asshole. she senses fear. she knows who really gets her bud blooming. just, the thought of him though like that made me wanna scream and kick him in this stupid ass face.

Ruined a lot of things for me, I swear but I’m moving on as best as I can.

—

He had this switch flip type of mood. I don’t even remember how or why it happened, but it just got worse during and after his breakup it seems.

Which was like 3-4 years ago. started happening out of the blue and over time it just started to bug the living fuck out of me. daily. I was starting to hate it and hate it I did. made my skin crawl.. ((all the Linkin Park jokes))

It made me hate myself which I never did much tbh and I didn’t like that at all.. I wanted out, but I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to bc he’d come after me if I did especially if they knew him..

they didn’t though and were on my side, but yeah. I’m glad it stopped

A L L OF IT. I don’t need that kind ‘love’ in my life. that,awful presence. I don’t need any of that at all.. MMM, MMM BYE, BYE!! Disgusting.

———

———

I wanted to help em try to be happy so fuckin bad after what happened ya know as friends do, when it should’ve been myself making me happy instead.. it was,but everything just got to me.

All the sighs. How lovely huh. We were ‘best friends’ ya know. I can’t even really call anyone that much bc it unnerves me. you’re supposed to make each other happy and all that as best friends, not a sad sack of low shit.

I can’t believe I wanted to be with him and or be around him that is... eughh. I was confused and in a dangerous situation towards the end.. feels like it was my fault, but it wasn’t.

Couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was extremely fucking stupid on my part

Long time or not, why? just, holding onto old times I guess

That’s where I messed up. I didn’t even really bother trying to be with him tbh as I’ve said. in the beginning maybe yeah when we were younger, but he made me feel less and less over time as we grew older. I was embarrassed about a lot of shit and slowly I just finally realized how much of an asshole he really and truly is and how bad I wanted him out my life.

I couldn’t get away and when I did, he’d still be there someway.. haunting me with his negative nagging.it was dumb I know. I just don’t know exactly how I got lost in it so damn badly, but man, am I really dumb for doing it..

I wholeheartedly despise those feelings I had then and I fucking despise them now. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

((Great character development though, Cynth. Growing up and moving on. Something he could never do))

I don’t want to bring these problems into anyone else’s life and I did and I regret it.. I would like to disconnect from the server please bc of it, thank you

———

———

I was made to feel like my disability was cureable around him and that I can do shit when I get my operations done when in fact, I can’t at all and won’t ever get ‘cured’ or anything like that of the sort.typical ableist /lamdwalker activity. despite how many times I told him,he’d forget. Mhmm, sure.. you only heard what you wanted. It’s fine

"We’ll be able to do this when you get said //part// fixed.." what? can I not do that now or something?? I know I can’t, but I can at least try right?? am I really not that good enough to be around and do shit with?? guess so, cool. Okay, I see. I really tolerated some extreme ableism and I still do, but it’s not as bad as that was..

I wish I could cure my RA though like that and have said money to do it. Snap my fingers and it’s done right? ummm, no. not as easy you think dumb ass. I have fused joints, osteo, it’s everywhere like how the hell am I gonna fix that so easily?? tell me, doc

You trippin more than younger me did. I think that’s why he just flat out ditched me in the end and got a gf while he was at it that had an almost exact personality as me in the process. he would point it out too and made me feel fucking creeped out even more.. like, I get it. can’t be youre, abled dream

Why do you care if we’re alike in some ways though?? ((Look where it got him though. He’s still struggling with it, the breakup, bringing it up once n’ awhile like it didn’t happen. It was hilarious to me bc he really was a basket case. I know he was trying to get rid of it, but he was more obsessive about it than a mf))

thankful I don’t deal with it anymore

———

———

"You live the same day to day lifestyle. Ever since you and I graduated. The same fucking thing. The only new things you do are go to your stupid concerts or teach those weird kids. I see it or you end up telling me anyway." ((I know captain obvious yet again.. at least I’m having fun when I’m doing that. concerts for my favorite bands make me happy, teaching my kids do too ya asshole))

"Nothing is gonna change anyway if you get those procedures done. It’ll be worse for you and we all know that. Just deal with it and try to move on." ((I hate hearing your voice in my head. I want to ban it, mute it from all existence.. I’ve been replacing it with others and I’m glad it’s working))

———

———

I keep hearing his voice sometimes when I post something on social media. not his actual voice, but something similar, especially in tone. moody and monotone. art,status, any of those with hashtags, rt‘s, anything.. I heard it

"Why did you post that?? Looking for attention or something?", "Not many people liked it because it’s //insert stuff I love here//", "Don’t like shit like that. I don’t want to scroll around awkwardly when I’m out.", "I saw what you put. Idk how to approach it, but I’ll like it to show you I care/to look at later to process."

Tf does that mean and huh?? Why do you care what I put anyway?? I don’t care what you put so why should you care what I put?? Why make me feel like shit for putting this up or talking about something I have some balls too. I want people to know. I’m close to some of these people

I haven’t been posting much because of that. It’s very noticeable and my some of my friends can vouch for it from the viewing couch. renders I do of friends stuff, my original work, OC stuff, fan arts. A L L gets judged by the mighty grump. who it is, colors, the style, shading.. nothing was good enough I guess. even though you said it was and so did my brain at one point. It does, but she’s just not that confident much anymore

He’d get on fan art which was the most irritating thing. "Try and draw like that or do something like that for once.", "They didn’t get me right.. did you give them the references? Even though you still haven’t made a proper one?", "Why did they draw me like that?", "That’s cool. Why my character though?" PEOPLE DRAW IN THEIR OWN WAYS IN MANY STYLES AND CAN CREATIVELY DO WHATEVER THEYD LIKE YA FUCKIN DUMBASS. IN THE END, ITS MY CHARACTER ANYWAY. YOU DIDNT DRAW HIM. I DID N’ WHO CARES. MAYBE THEY LIKE YOUR CHARACTER OR IDK I REQUESTED IT TO MAKE YOUR SAD ASS HAPPY.

"Ohh yeah, I used to draw back in the day." The shit he sent me was traced, had his signature on it covering the original artists, no consistent style. Straight up thief and ugly liar. He can’t even draw a straight line, let alone paint a piece. Please, boy. I KNEW IT AND HED MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING IT WAS AND I KNEW. AINT FOOLING ME THERE. I maybe or might’ve been extremely gullible as a teen, but ooohhh honeyyyy, I knew, I knew.

Artist my ass. Yeah con artist :))

———

———

I hated the awkward silence moments between us when we spoke. I literally wanted to fucking scream at you like you did to me sometimes when you were having a "bad day".

I wanted to yell at you about everything you’ve ever done to me the last time we talked and I just broke down instead because I am an "emotional bitch" as you say. HOLY SHIT though, are you boring. I thought I was, but I just get dissociative and I space out because I didn’t know what to say and when I did,I got judged for it. for everything else as wel which made me feel worse. fuucking fantastic you are

You made me feel like I was was swirling in this dead and extremely lonely silence that was ever so slowly drowning me and dragging me down.. ((Like BMTH says, don’t let me drown and you did to an extent)) i couldn’t breathe right for the longest time with you there.. felt like an enormous weight on my chest

when I was in there, it was awful and made me feel worse. I didn’t want to leave and when I did,you’d think I’d be having a fit or something.so, I would stay until you left and when you did it was absolute freedom.

I swear I hated being around you. I got judged for making any sort of weird noise, hiccup, burp, humming, my singing, jokes. such a fun person you are, hmph

[tiskycat]

Question Tag Game

Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you want to know better I might tag some folks at the end if I feel like it, but 20 is ridic.

1. Nicknames: Ce, Tisky, cat, etc.

2. Gender: Lady

3. Star Sign: Taurus

4. Height: 5′ 5 3/4″

5. Time: 9:19pm

6. Birthday: May 12

7. Favorite Bands: Still Ludo tbh 

9. Song stuck in my head: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjfsM2Dkbf4 THIS SONG AND ONLY BC THERE IS THIS WEIRD-ASS LYRICS ABOUT THE GUY PUTTING PEPPERONIS ON HIS GIRL’S FACE AND CALLING HER “A CREATURE” AND NOW HE CAN’T HELP BUT THINK OF HER EVERY TIME HE’S EATIN PIZZA WHAT THE F U C K???????

10. Last movie I watched: Fuck idek. Probably the Godfather Part II, it’s the last one I remember watching anyway.

11. Last show I watched: Access Hollywood Live this morning after I woke up lmao

12. When did I create my blog: .....2010? I think. I do know I posted a selfie of me and @pointfiveasian at pride that year on here, so I tend to use that as the measuring stick lmao

13. What do I post/reblog: Whatever I feel like???

14. Last Thing I Googled: that song I tried to link y’all to for q #9

15. Other Blogs: @mahounekos is the only one I even try to upkeep these days, but I’ve been ignoring it a lot recently but I wanna get back on it bc I don’t wanna watch the tmm anime without liveblogging it at this point so. But I’m still pretty proud of @ask-michiru-kaioh even if it didn’t last v long before I had to give it up

16. Do I get asks: lmao almost never

17. Why I chose my URL: it’s a diminutive of my previous handle, tinystarkitten, which you can still find around the intertubes

18. Following: 257

19. Followers: 336. 

20.Average hours of sleep: esjfghjgdahjas these days I’ve been pushing 10+ hrs and I HATE IT because I know I’m wasting the day but when u wake up pissed why NOT try to nap another ten minutes???? even if ends up being more like 30???????? Like four times???????

21. Lucky Number: 12

22. Instruments: I have a clarinet that sits between my bed and the wall, constantly taunting me over how I thought I was The Shit bc I could play it despite being one of the literally least popular kids in middle school

23. What am I’m wearing: A shirt my mom bought in puerto vallerta and some panties

24. Dream job: honestly????????? Fight me but I’ve wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom all my life so. My dream job is being a dedicated mother some day.

25. Dream trip: There are too many places I wanna go lmao. The world is so small but also so big wtf

26. Favorite food: Terriyaki chicken wings. Stop asking me this.

27. Nationality: ‘murikan Polak

28. Favorite song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2qgadSvNyU&list=RDk2qgadSvNyU 

29. Last Book Read: Book? Like,a physical copy? Probably Neil Gaiman’s Norse Mythology book

30. Top three fictional universe I’d want to join: Pokemon (particularly 7th gen bc husbands & wives <3), BNHA (again....................... husbands and wives.............................), and Madoka Magica (to give me access to a QB to let me come up with a Cunning Wish that gives me access to said husbands and wives, but also the ability to fuck off without a trace the second I inevitably fuck things up lmaoooooooooooooooooooo)

I tag! @fabas-waifu @witch-of-the-ocean-deep​ @trelaney​ @asthekroflies​ @blackwatchelite​ @bunnyqueengrace​ @nekofye​ and anyone else who wants to!!!!

[gentlethorns]

reader’s questionnaire

i was tagged by @ivy-the-africanprincess. thank you lovey!

1. which book has been on your shelves the longest? probably lisey’s story by stephen king. of course i read stuff before i started reading stephen king – stephen king would’ve been a little hardcore for, say, a second-grader – but most of those books are packed away in boxes, seeing as i have no intentions of rereading them.

2. what is your last read, what is your current read, and what is your next read? my last read was the great gatsby (it was school reading, but it was a good book). my current read is it by stephen king (this is the third time i’ve reread it). as for my next read, i’m not sure. i have a lot of dean koontz books i haven’t read yet. it’ll probably either be one of those, or i’ll reread the shining. (again.)

3. which books does everyone like that you hate? this is hard, because i have different reading tastes than most people around me, nor can i say i’ve ever really come across a book that i hate. i guess if i had to pick something, i’d say jane eyre – at certain points it was good, but the majority of the time it bored me to tears. the only reason i finished it was i had to read it for school.

4. which book do you keep telling yourself you’ll read, but you probably won’t? maybe harry potter and the cursed child. i keep meaning to buy it, but i haven’t gotten around to it.

5. which book are you saving for retirement? hard to say – i’m too young to have planned that far, not to mention that in my planned career (an author), there isn’t necessarily a “retirement” – i’d just keep writing, continuously.

6. last page: read it first or wait til the end? wait til the end! what kind of maniac reads it first?? it could spoil everything!

7. acknowledgements: waste of ink and space or interesting aside? interesting aside. i always love seeing authors thank everybody – it’s cool to remember that authors can’t do everything on their own. if it takes a village to raise a child, then it also takes a village to write a book.

8. which book character would you trade places with? this is going to sound absurd and probably masochistic, but harry potter. he’s a wizard and that’s freaking awesome! and yes, i’m aware i could trade places with a side character and still be a wizard but without all the angst of being the boy (girl) who lived, but let’s face it, i love being in the spotlight. (not to mention harry got a lot of privileges that side characters didn’t, because harry was the chosen one. and yes, i’m perfectly willing to take on all the baggage harry had just for those privileges.)

9. do you have a book that reminds you of something specific in your life? (a person, a place, a time, etc.) it (the book i’m reading now) used to remind me of fall of last year, but i’ve reread it too many times. christine by stephen king also reminds me of fall of last year, to an extent. i’m sure that if i reread the alienist by caleb carr it would remind me of spring of this year (i’ve only read it once, and it’s a damn good book – i haven’t reread it yet bc i first read it in march or april and rereading it this soon is too soon). also, the tommyknockers by stephen king might remind me of december of 2014. AND harry potter and the order of the phoenix reminds me of december of 2015 – i used that book as an escape from the pain of my first breakup.

10. name a book you acquired in some interesting way. i actually have 27 dean koontz books that i acquired in an interesting way: i wrote a letter to dean koontz, and he replied with a handwritten letter and a box of books, all signed with personal inscriptions. of course, i don’t touch the books he sent me – they’re safe in storage, because knowing me, they’d get dirty and/or bent/folded if i read them. not because i don’t take care of my books, but because i take my books everywhere when i’m in the process of reading them, and that naturally results in a bit of wear and tear.

11. have you ever given away a book for a special reason to a special person? no. this sounds selfish, but i don’t give away my books – i barely lend them out, because they come to mean so much to me (and because i’m a compulsive rereader and never know when i’ll want to revisit an old favorite). i lent the talisman by stephen king and peter straub to my ex boyfriend once, because he’d been talking about how much he loved fantasy and the talisman popped into my mind because i thought it would be right up his alley – i don’t know if it was or not, because we broke up before he could get very far (he didn’t read much because he was working every day until nine or ten at night, and then he had homework on top of that). (he actually almost ended up keeping the book, but i did ask for it back, because it’s one of my favorites and because i’ve handwritten notes on the symbolism and thematic work in the storyline and didn’t want to lose my analyses.) that was one of two times i can remember loaning out a book – the other was to my best friend, because i’d been talking about the book and how good it was and i thought she just had to read it. (she loved it too, and now we’re waiting to save enough money to buy the rest of the series.)

12. which book has been with you to the most places? i’d say the shining. it’s been to my house, my grandmother’s house, various doctor’s appointments, arizona, school, and off-campus school events.

13. any required reading you hated in high school that wasn’t so bad ten years later? i can’t say yet, considering i’m still in high school. maybe when i’m twenty five jane eyre won’t seem so bad??

14. what is the strangest item you’ve ever found in a book? the only unexpected thing i can ever remember finding in a book was a note that said something along the lines of “you have great taste in reading. enjoy the book! - your fellow reader”. it was in a copy of a tale of two cities that i’d checked out from a public library, because my english final was the next day and i hadn’t read half of the book. (irresponsible, i know, but our class discussions of it bored me and i had other things i wanted to do.) that note cheered me up a bit, so whoever they are, i hope good things happen to them.

15. used or brand-new? i don’t mind either way. brand new books are great, but not only are the expensive, they don’t stay brand new for long – again, that wear and tear from being toted around everywhere. but sometimes used books are written in, and i don’t like that.

16. stephen king: literary genius or opiate of the masses? *deep inhale* my time has come. i could talk for days … weeks … months … years about stephen king, but let’s leave it at this: he’s a fucking genius. i enjoy some of his books quite a bit more than others – the shining, i think, was his best work; it and christine are close followers, not to mention night shift, his book of short stories, or hearts in atlantis, or pet sematary, or ‘salem’s lot – but overall he’s a master. not only of horror, although that is his undeniable main attraction, but also of psychological thrills: all my favorite works by him (as i’ve named above: the shining, christine and it) have degrees of psychological horror at play, as opposed to only jumpscares. however, even his jumpscares are worth the $17.99 i pay for a brand new copy at barnes & nobles. (and his nonfiction work about writing, called on writing, is also a masterpiece.)

17. have you ever seen a movie you liked more than the book? so far, no. i’ve heard the movies for the maze runner series are better than the books, but i still haven’t gotten around to reading the maze runner series, so i’m not sure yet.

18. conversely, which book should never have been introduced to celluloid? dreamcatcher by stephen king. the film was obscure – something a tv station made, not any huge blockbuster; it didn’t even air in theatres – but they changed the ending completely, and the way they changed it completely changed the theme of the book (not to mention kind of demonized mentally disabled characters, but that’s my opinion). watching it left me both laughing at the ridiculousness and pissed off.

19. have you ever read a book that’s made you hungry (cookbooks excluded)? not that i remember, but i’m sure i have. i’m always hungry.

20. who is the person whose book advice you’ll always take? no one’s, really – i read my own interests and don’t often take others’ into account (not because i’m snobbish but because i actually forget to check out the stuff they recommend). the person whose book recommendations i’m most likely to take is probably my mother – she first introduced me to stephen king, and because she opened that door for me, i trust her judgment a lot. in fact, one of the reasons i haven’t read the dark tower series by him is because my mom said she could never properly get into it, so i think it might bore me as well. lately, though, i’ve been thinking about starting the series, just to see if i do like it.

i’m tagging: - @paintingsunny - @theeverwatchingtortoise - @the-bookler - @alixismad

[tvshowsyespls]

It’s not just their interaction that matters, it’s seeing their actions whilst fully aware of their pasts to identify growth/change and how others can see their love even when they are not physically together: it’s in how Josie says ‘my father is a fool, one look at you and he should’ve known how this would end’, it’s in how Bellamy seems to ‘care about her more’ than everyone else he cares about (according to J, who is apparently great at reading people est. ep7). It’s how Russell says to Josie ‘have you become so callous to the feelings of others that you don’t remember what it’s like to lose someone you love?’ when canonically she has only expressed loss with Gabriel. She talks about how G has been trying to kill her for 70 years and says ‘relationships, yknow?’ As if B was gonna be like ‘lol tru’, then she takes a walk down memory lane, saying ‘besties’ before claiming how BC is ‘weird’. You’re right Josie, louder!

It’s weird because in s1, the script says Bellamy was thrown by the intimacy then said that for a moment Clarke wanted to run away with him as she held his face in her hands? platonically?What even?? I know, so glad we got this 131 year old slow burn instead. It’s weird because they flirted and C invited B to get a drink with her but B turned her down, choosing to be the responsible boy that will have his fun when the grounders come... It’s weird because there was a Lexa-Clarke-Bellamy love triangle according to Alycia (Do I even need to go on?)

It’s weird because Clarke jumped on Niylah after putting her hand on top of hers that were on her shoulders, it’s her mating ritual for when she wants to get laid. Observe: she pulled the same shit on Bellamy in the list scene only for him to tell her ‘get some sleep’ (LOL awks - who told her to platonically smush her face on top of their hands that rested on her shoulder for 10+ seconds - maybe B was thrown by the intimacy again bc he was like ‘gtg’ lol) and she ended up in Niylah’s bed the next morning.

It’s weird because Clarke was willing to sacrifice her mother in s3 (Abby was literally hanging when B came in right on time) but gave into Roan’s blackmail with B and Kane in s4 - WELL of course because Kane is her stepdad!!! but...she was willing to let her mum die and that’s exactly what she reminds Roan and the viewers before it becomes canon that Bellamy is THAT pal ™ that is more important than your mother + 50 skykru lives that were dropped from the list just like that even though the whole season Clarke had been all for her people first. Remember when he was about to open the bunker and Clarke fully thought she was saving the human race by locking skykru in but let B open it anyway, crying as she couldn’t even shoot him in the leg or something? Talk about WEAK! Bellamy somehow convinced her to let everyone in?👀 Clexa coalition parallels anyone? No? Ok.

Remember how she looked as she volunteers to go with B to get Raven even tho 5 secs ago, she was ok leaving her and every other friend and human out to die? (Sidenote: ‘I never meant to hurt you’ like CLARKE PLS, you were about let around 600 people die and ur talking about Bellamy? Check urself, he’s pissed too - until he isn’t because Clarke says ‘nothing is okay, no matter what I choose, somebody always dies’ which makes B make light of it (bc he always understands) with ‘not shooting me was the right choice’ leading to it being canon that BC staring at each other causes them to run over someone and crash their very necessary life-saving vehicle... Who tf wrote this???) Throwback to TondC (‘I did it to save Bellamy’ followed ‘what if I sent him in there to die’ which followed ‘you should go, I was being weak’ - the LENgths she was willing to go to progressed with her worry for him that it was truly tragic for the grounder villagers (but tbf Lexa did convince her so Heda is right, they totally couldn’t have created a fire diversion as Clarke suggested) and that worry turned into literal platonic love as, for a moment, it was tragic for everyone outside the bunker too that second times C had to make a similar choice. The narrative really made Clarke say and do those things in that order huh? Wow) Remember how she was ready to let O die and keep B in the bunker, have him hate her to parallel kabby that season? HOW is B still alive? He was all like ‘I’m not gonna be in the bunker’ and Clarke’s like ‘you WILL’ before he even finishes his sentence lol. He did say ‘people die when you’re in charge’ and yet... it’s almost like idk, Clarke never wants to lose him ever.

Platonically of course because their attraction to each other has disappeared since s1... because you see that person and you’re like ‘lol nvm, ur not as hot as I remember 6 years ago when we were giving each other the looks™’ right? So you just watch them make out with their SO twice in canon to drive that point home. Especially when it’s your bff that you talked to everyday for 2199 days according to Flame!Madi who strutted right up to Bellamy, demanded he forgive C (lexa, is that you fighting in Clarke’s corner? 😭) before telling him something she ‘SHOULDN’t’ tell him?? Sorry Clarke, was this a private thing that Madi was privy to that she felt she shouldn’t expose or did you tell her not to mention it?? Madi said ‘she called YOU’ lol, like when is Madi gonna expose Clarke’s radio calls to Raven pls, I need the platonic princess mechanic relationship instantly restored like that! The radio call elixir: makes you soft for you bff and invite her to decide the fate of the human race as you always do (we genuinely love a platonic team!) despite the fact she left you to die 2 days ago for endangering her kid in the name of stopping the war, which she herself decided to later do after Lexa, her romantic soulmate, tells her not to make the same mistake she did because it would be her biggest regret. Lexa tells C don’t abandon your platonic pal™, love is not weakness and life should be about more than just surviving. Did Lexa say Bellarke rights, Clarke be happy and let yourself love him? No, Lexa wants BC to live like her and Clarke did in her bed? No, no, Lexa said ‘live like Clexa, but don’t have sex’? Yup that’s what happened. And C has the audacity to say ‘save him’ after giving her child permission to walk into a war zone and endanger her life like.. I prayed Lexa protects Madi yes pls.

Either way, let your bff know you love him! Say ‘bro, you kept me sane and I love you for that’- it’s easy gsjsjah why you making it so hard, girl?? Hug and move on, let’s go! There was a perfect opportunity around that fire where you instead wasted time saying ‘all of me for all of us’ to just B? (All of u is for all two of you huh? Jk jk lol this is the most platonic thing in s5, I digress) before giving him ur bread lmao y so dramatic, we love extra af jokester pals (I do really like the platonic bad jokes fr tho 😂👌🏾)

(All is fun and games until the joy of reuniting with Madi is gone the second she sees becho. Like SMILE, Clarke, your soulmate pal ™ found his romantic soulmate like you found yours, remember?)

EVERY DAY for 2199 days huh?: It’s canon that Clarke Griffin after getting radiation roasted, decided to pick up her radio from the floor with her blistered hand that first day to try to call Bellamy, wanting to find out asap if he were alive... He didn’t respond and C had two choices they were alive or they were dead? Either way she said fuck it, Imma hope he’s alive and imma call Bellamy every day like the pal™ that I am, not even thinking like this: ‘imma talk to lexa bc she’s the love of my life and it’s literally just been 2-3 months since she got put in the flame and the flame is on Earth with me so I’m at peace.’ Like why wasn’t that canon instead?? Instead we got ‘I still have hope’ @ B 2199 days later.

The platonicness of Madi looking at Bellamy only and going ‘Clarke knew you would come’ and grabbing him by the hand like she’s his BFF? (that’s Clarke’s BFF Madi, get your own!) sorry but Madi has never met him in her life but she’s like ‘Clarke’s in trouble’ and suddenly B has been kidnapped by a kid. The rest of spacekru left alone in the forest to figure out their own shit bc B said ‘gtg save my bestie brb’ - NOT EVEN, he straight up left them stranded LMAO. (S6 in a nutshell tbh) Then Clarke in s6 has the audacity to look caught ™ when B casually brings radio calls up as friends would, he says it’s a lil pathetic and Clarke becomes the literal sun and B becomes the moon, shining all the laughs right back at her. Meanwhile, Clarke’s large ass pupils are drinking in all this HAPPINESS - not to reach but was that an example of life being more than just surviving? We actually have time for jokes and banter now? Fck Yeah ✨✨

What’s funny is the fact that Jordan knew about the head and the heart convo from s4 because B must’ve told Monty/Harper somewhere between being on the ring and before going into cryo. Since s5 was canon of what happened between returning to earth and going into cryo, logic leads me to believe Bellamy talked to marper about the head and the heart on the ring. It’s funny how Bellamy still got emotional when she’s brought up 6 years after ‘her death’ (Clexa parallels anyone?) and funny how determined he is to honour Clarke’s last words (be the head so their friends survive) only to say ‘I don’t need you anymore’ under psychosis, is that a trauma I see? 👀 soz, did I miss the season Bellamy said he needed Clarke? Only Clarke says the word need (‘I need you’, ‘we need each other, Bellamy’) unless that’s what he meant when he said ‘you got it backwards’ (@ Jaha saying you keep her centered)or when he whispered ‘I’ve got you for that’ or when he shouted ‘I CAN’T lose Clarke... we can’t lose her’. Either way, I love platonic soulmates that need each other.

(Randomly just remembered when B had that nice pal talk with Wells about how Clarke never sees him when Finn’s around, lolll what?? Weirdo. BC parallels with Wells and Clarke? Yes pls)

Tell your bff you love them challenge ft. Clarke who said ‘u look fine today, sad boy so I’mma look you over from the tips of ur toes to the top of ur head platonically then tell you you’re special and that your sis will come around’ and B who canonically says ‘Clarke, if I don’t see you again-‘ only for Clarke to be like ‘you WILL’ before B even finished his sentence - it’s rude to interrupt your friends when they’re talking Clarke! He was only gonna say ‘may we meet again’ anyway bc for some reason y’all bffs don’t canonically say ‘I love you [bro]’ and maybe B knows it’s because you hate I love yous and don’t say it unless you think it’s goodbye forever.

It’s in how Clarke puts Bellamy at the same level as Madi and cannot face Bellamy in her mind space, despite him being alive, because she thinks that he thinks she’s a monster - she cannot see her platonic pal’s love, I love that trope. It’s in how Clarke says ‘I’m not leaving you’ because her biggest regret was leaving B in the pits (but also the time she left him after MW) and it’s in how Bellamy says ‘I won’t let you die’ after letting her die twice now, I call that growth. So J mocks their weird relationship and B is like ‘lols I know’. He has a girlfriend who lied to him about her past during the 6 uninterrupted years they spent on the ring and he starts an argument with her seemingly out of nowhere (after watching Clarke dance with the doctor) and lying that at the last party he was at, he couldn’t protect his sister when we damn well know that the last party he was at was Jasper’s, does echo not know about Jasper? Did no one (Bellamy) tell her? He didn’t have to say ‘the last party I was at’ he could’ve easily said ‘at the party on Ark’. The way he even said this sounded like he was telling Echo for the first time what happened to his sister... they didn’t talk about the reason he ended up on the ground whilst on the ring huh? When Echo says something reasonable, he snaps that this is about feelings and that he never knows how she feels about anything... sounds like he’s projecting but I’m not going to tell you how to interpret it. Then when Echo opens up about her past, B says ‘you told me you didn’t remember your parents’. I love watching becho development because it’s clear how becho are not as compatible as we would’ve thought. (My headcanon up until s6 for them was that they connected over their similar childhoods and responsibility to their people and share the burden of the sins they’ve committed to live and grow together whilst finding peace in each other)

(This is just a snippet of how I see BC and I have no reason to be biased towards it. In fact, during s2-3 I actively made myself ship Clexa more than I shipped BC because I wanted that win for lgbt rep - yes, my mind is that extra that even without social media influence on my binge viewing experience, I felt that Clexa deserved E V E R Y T H I N G so believe me when I say I didn’t want this blarke life 🙃)

Everyone is agreed that they have an awesome non-sexual soulmate love? Yes? I admit, they COULD be platonic, depending on your definition of sexuality. Platonic is defined as ‘love or friendship that is affectionate/intimate but not sexual’.

If Clarke died next ep, bellarke will be remembered as platonic by those that believe sexual acts are what make a relationship romantic and remembered as romantic by those that infer sexual chemistry/feelings/thoughts in certain bellarke scenes.

Imo, it’s not logical to believe sexuality is only physical: it goes against basic common sense in that people would only be considered straight/gay/bi etc. at the point of their first sexual encounter and dating relationships would be platonic until the first sexual act within it.

Personally, I think romantic relationships arise with intention: the shared understanding of what you are offering each other (sexual acts included) and how you prioritise your person over all other humans.

It’s not crude to appreciate the intricacy of physical attraction or understand the implications of it driving the need to be as intimate as possible with someone. And the problem with bellarke is that there IS sexual chemistry and attraction. It’s established in season 1 and it’s made headlines - not that you should care- but both types of people (that would now consider bellarke platonic and those that wouldn’t) probably picked up on it because this aspect of their relationship was planned and written into the story. Longing and pining to just BE with someone is the pinnacle of romance and not only is it canon that bellarke look at each other with humongous pupils, it is also canon (through writing, direction and music) that bellarke prioritise each other, are extremely vulnerable to each other, always want to be ‘together’ do things ‘together’ no matter what. So I’m failing to understand why people don’t want to look at all the evidence and draw the clear conclusion: Bellarke tick every box for a romantic relationship except sexual acts and I think it’s a disservice to not recognise the reality of them as the epic love story that they are. Let’s not even mention the possibility that the reason they haven’t ticked that box is because they have given themselves over to their people in selfless duty or continued trauma from lost lovers.

I’m gonna conclude by saying I ship Clexa and Bellarke but with what’s going on in the story rn, bellarke are it for me. I’d say endgame but it could all change if there’s narrative to suggest otherwise. What I see happening by the end of the series is lexa being back (in what capacity idk) and either Clexa or Bellarke being party to the ‘I will love you forever but I will learn to love someone else so that we can chersish the relationship we have for what it is, not what it has been or what it could be, and be happy together forever’ while the other is canon endgame. Or maybe be by the series finale we’ll get endgame polygamy? - Now that’s edgy af! But those are best case scenarios lol.

Realistically, atleast one of BC are gonna die, Lexa will be brought back as Alycia but not into the real world (unless we get plot that finally exposes the mental space realm??? That sounds fucking dope tbh - they’ve been teasing alternate realities this whole damn show and what is more sci-fi than that? It would also incorporate the flame and Jason loves the flame and Clexa love the flame so??? Anyone wanna hire me as a writer?) and there’s endless possibilities really so I’m conflicted between hoping that Book 2 is less about tragedy/survival and more about happiness/life and knowing that hope for the 100 is offbrand and too much of a reach, with the evidence that we have but the writers could easily get us all there, man. I’m excited!

[triathlol]

RACE REPORT -- “THE DREAM” -- 2017 cherry blossom 10 miler

THE INTRO if you don’t want to read the whole thing, at least like the post

After a few years of reading mostly garbage race reports — and telling myself that i should add my own garbage voice to this concert of narcissism —  I’ve decided to finally get in on the action. Yes, try to remain excited. Getting mad about the clickbait that got you here is, at this point, just sour grapes. You’ve already committed. There is no going back.

We all know that my parents, plus the three or four friends I claim to have, really haven’t heard about this race enough, and i’ll be damned if i don’t give the consumers what they want. After all, the “invisible hand” and “market driven forces” are what’s truly behind these words you’re currently reading. I feel compelled to provide this report--no big government takeover necessary.

you dont need a PHD in econ to know that people like writing about themselves more than they like reading about others.

Okay, lets get on with it.

THE PREP an approach based loosely on science

My body is my temple, except that it runs on mostly chipotle, ice cream, and “what IPA’s do you have on draft?” In complete and total acceptance of this fact, my goal for the week leading up to the race was to cut back on the frozen, sugar-infused, dairy-heavy pillar of my diet. This was a wild success (I have literally never been able to pull this off despite trying at least 3 times).

there is no shame in my game. 

The other two pillars continued to bare the weight (shouts to you guys) like champions. By race morning, i was about 3 pounds under my normal training weight, which to me made sense bc that is how much ice cream I eat every week. Confidence from said prep (plus a successful light week of training — 2 swims, a chill AF 4 mile run) was sky-high. Whatever happened during the disaster that was the second half of my brick last Sunday was a distant memory.

THE PREGAME “you wanted to do this, remember?!”

Alarm went off at 0530. At this time, I was reminded, the sun hasn’t even considered coming up yet. Pre-race fuel consisted of a banana, a cookie-dough flavored picky bar, 1 cup of rocket-fuel-strength-coffee, and 2 aleve.

After paying an embarrassing amount of $ for an uber to the race (thanks, WMATA, for continuing to suck to the point where you can no longer open early for this race), i found myself texting fellow competitor “double dinner” Dan Paltiel with basically frozen fingers.

context: we make jokes about things that flywheel instructors yell. basic formula = white girl name + motivational/aggressive line

Not joking--the concrete around the Washington monument had transformed into something resembling dry ice. Also the sun was still not out.

Once Triple-D rolled out of bed and got to the race, we dropped our gear and immediately proceeded to sidestep the 45 minute bathroom line (he deserves all the cred here) for the lawless, clusterfuck that was the area between the two rows of porta-johns. Big government had no effect in this space, and we found a line with literally 2 people. We then found a large tree to block the wind, made a couple more flywheel jokes (so many basic girl names in this race--we couldn’t help ourselves), and then packed in among the “sheeple” in our designated wave.

THE ACTUAL F’ING RACE probably the least interesting portion (which is saying something)

I don’t participate in Black Friday shopping, but I can only imagine that the first few miles of every CU Cherry Blossom 10-Miler has some similar characteristics. It’s a crowded fucking nightmare where everyone is really pissed off and cranky. Like, running in a phone booth-level tight. I was cut off more than a few times, and am sure I was guilty of doing the same. Every year, these guys oversell the concert, and the patrons suffer. But it’s a deal we all make for sweet instagram pics and race times that make us feel like we are real runners. There is no such thing as a free lunch (or a free like).

too slow in the first mile, maybe too fast after.

My self-proclaimed “dream” race was 1:15 (7:30 minutes per mile pace). I had a back and forth with myself (the sign of a true narcissist--cataloging discussions with yourself) as to whether this was realistic, but decided that it wasn’t totally out of the picture. DDD and I weaved our way around traffic to keep up with the 8:00 minute pacers through the memorial bridge, and for the north turn up rock creek parkway, but once we made the turn back south and caught the gale at our backs, the governor came off and I started relatively hauling some ass.

That was the last I saw of Dan until after the race. Nice try, brah (seriously though if he beat me at my own game after hardly training, retirement wasn’t out of the question). Also, worth noting that he ran 1:16 which is fast as shit and I would’ve totally been happy with that number, too. 

The next mile was straight down gale and I rode it--hard (don’t!). The increased pace kind of just stuck from there on out. Miles 4-8 (mentally, what I would consider to be the most challenging) were about 75% downwind. I almost didn’t believe my watch (”oh shiiiii....”) when the splits started coming in under 7:10. While I felt pretty good, I have literally only run 10 miles one other time in my life, so the last few miles were quite opposite of a guarantee. Shot block went down at mile 6, along with some gatorade--the only things that went into my body during the run other than insecurity + self doubt.

“50% chance this is really happening/50% chance im gon’ die”

Speaking of the Hains Point--god daaaaaamn am I sick of this piece of property. I mean, I get why they included it, but riding in DC for a couple years has got me to the point where I know not only every pothole like the back of my hand, but also all of the golf holes at East Potomac Golf Course like the back of my hand. I’m pretty sure I could mock up a decent yardage book for the holes along the road, none of which I’ve ever played.

not even these abrasive watermarks will force me to buy this photo. no shame, remember?

Major props to the fans, volunteers, and musicians all along the course, but especially to those who were out at HP. I’m not sure if that DJ who was off by herself was officially sanctioned, underground, or what, but she was great. Also the drummers around mile 9--you guys continue to crush.

Miles 9 and 10 were a serious slog. The wind was back at us, and everyone was obviously hurting from the last 60 minutes of running. My mile 9 split was surprisingly at pace, but I burned a lot more matches to keep that up. We were in the “audibly moaning” portion of the program by the 15K mark, and pure misery by the small (although it feels like K2 by the time you get there) hill that’s a quarter mile from the finish. Although I was pretty wasted by this point, I told myself that even if I completely crashed I could drag myself the rest of the way while still beating expectations and, crucially, Dan.

Well, thankfully that didn’t happen--I crossed the finish line at 1:14:01. Immediately, in what I can only assume was a last form of protest, my body engaged in a couple very serious dry heaves . There was definitely an “oh shit, im gonna be THAT guy” moment, but it it passed, and I made the next slog (another half mile(!) walk) to the guys with the water. Done.

yo those 8 dudes need to srsly chill. 

THE TAKEAWAYS you made it this far--don’t quit now!

This course couldn’t be any faster, and the weather was what an old coach of mine would describe as “dome like conditions.” Light winds, no humidity, temperatures in the 50s and sunny--literally “no excuse” weather. The chances I get that same gift for any of my triathlons this year is obviously not that great. That all being said, I am super stoked about my first race of the year, and what I can potentially achieve in 2017.

not pictured: jennifer--who’s name is on my bib. thanks jms! 

It’s clear that spending the winter/early spring doing a lot more training on hills, and mixing in some weights has really helped catalzye my improvement without totally overloading my schedule. I’m going to need to continue all of this plus some additional swims/rides for my first tri of the year which is now only 5 weeks away. If I don’t break break 7:30 m/pm on the run there, then I will blame this stupid turbo-charged race for destroying my expectations game. Which, at the end of the day, is the only one worth playing.

your moment of zen courtesy of HANNAH F’ING TRUSLOW. thanks for reading--more to come soon -R

[whatevenis2016-blog]

Please just kill me already.

Basically every aspect of my life sucks rn. Work is horrible and gets worse and worse everyday. I can't stand it and I just want someone to call me back so I can get out of this hell hole. It's so funny tho this one girl gets to work 45, 50, even an hour late every single day and my boss doesn't seem to care and I get to work everyday on time and then I change into my work cloths there and clock in like 3 minutes late. But do you know who she gives shit and bitched about behind her back to other employees? Me. Not her. She literally doesn't appreciate the fact that I basically run her store and shes never there. And she takes weekends off and gives the girl who's always late weekends off and this guy every Friday and Sunday off but won't give me or the other girl who actually do shit at work any weekend days off. Ever. I ask one weekend off a year, for my birthday. And she still Give Me Shit about how hard it is for her to make it work without me being there. Oh wow. Go fuck yourself. Like really. I don't care how hard it is for you, it's your business not mine. It's not my problem. Like if you can't make it work with the people you have, maybe you should fucking hire more people? And not just have like 6 employees.... And about a million other reasons why working there is complete ass. My mother hates me. And no I'm not exaggerating, not even a little bit. Here are some direct quotes from my mother, all completely unprovoked and completely out of the blue:: "you are a psychopath" "maybe I should keep calling your bitch of an employer" she's trying to get me fired bc I refused to see her on my birthday "you're off your meds, you aren't wearing your retainer, you dropped out of college. You're living in an unhealthy environment" my doctor took me off my meds bc I'm doing better, I stopped wearing my retainer bc it's been ever a year since I got my braces off, I'm taking ONE semester off bc my whole fucking life is imploding around me and an way too stressed out and overwhelmed to handle school on top of all my other problems. "Your father said he was going to kill me" complete lies bc she's mad my father got custody of me when I was a child. "maybe C***** didn't stab you in the back she just didn't like how he was treating you" and ex friend of mine treated me like shit and tried to break me and an ex up and then tore apart many other friendships bc she's an insecure person but she wants me to believe I was the problem not other people. "your dad doesn't want you to succeed" "it's time to grow up and stop blaming shit on me!!!!!!!" "You only text me when you're angry" " I tried so hard with you" "I wasted XXXX$ on your braces" she tried to take my father to Cort and force him to pay for braces but because she was thousands and thousands of dollars behind in child support they made her pay for them, not to mention doing things like that are what you're suppose to do as a parent not bc your child 'deserves it'. All those are just text messages she's sent me resently. I'm currently 21 and she still owns me like 33,000$++ in child support. She doesn't even work, she sponges off the government. The money she gets from the government every month is more that my father Earns every month. And my dad is able to out food on the table, buy clothing for me and then some but she's not even able to buy anything more than bread and ramen noodles bc she spends the rest of her money on drugs and alcohol and other stupid shit (like smart phones she doesn't know how to use and DS3Ds as soon as they are released and again doesn't know how to use. All for herself I might add). She has completely treated my like shit for my entire life. When I was younger I used to believe I deserved it bc I was just a shitty person but after seeing a good therapist, I know know she's mentally ill, refuses to get help and just projects all her issues and anger onto me. She tells me I'm the worst thing that has ever happened to her, that I'm mentally retarded and would never graduate high school (even though from 11th great until my junior year or college I got all As and Bs except 2 classes I really struggled in), she would tell me I don't deserve love and I would die alone. Day in and day out for absolutely no reason other than just wanting me to feel horrible. If I wouldn't do simple things like dishes or taking trash out she would threaten me never to take me to a doctor or dentist again (which incase you can't figure this out for yourself is sick and twisted) you should ground your kid of a weekend not refuse medical attention. She's woken me up in the middle of the night, knocking me out of bed and kicked me out with no explanation. Once I was out with a friend and came home probably around 11pm and she had locked me out of our appartment and wouldn't let me back in and I had called my dad but he was asleep so he didn't answer, so I just waited outside in the hallway until the next morning and rode the bus to school. One of the first therapists I had told her she can't keep treating me the way she does (keep in mind my mother would sit in on my appointments and do most of the talking herself so it wasn't even just me spouting out a bunch of shit, it was just from the words spoken from my mother). On the way home she told me how horrible I am, how I was the worst thing that has ever happened to her, that I deserved all the bad thing possible to happen to me. There have been times when she was mad at one of my brother's (she has 2 other sons, my 2 half brother's) and she would take her anger out on me (bc they didn't live with us) she would tell me it was my responsibility to step up and take her shit, that's what it meant to be 'part of a family' what it meant to be 'an adult'. Does that make sense to you? If you're mad at someone but they aren't there...That you would yell and a completely unrelated person simply bc you were mad...? Bc that's what it meant to be a family...? No. It doesn't make sense. I've literally seen my mother do something and then turn around a yell at my brother like he did it. She's so fucked up, she just can't stand it when there isn't drama. The last time l lived with her was my senior year of high schoool, in the middle of the night she tricked me into coming downstairs telling me she was hurt and needed help. When really she was shitfaced drunk, she told me how sick of me she was, how she couldn't stand me, how she didn't want to take care of me anymore. She had a hand full of several bills all in my name, all way past due, that she didn't pay or give to me, that were ruining my credit bc they were unpayed. Just to fuck me over. And then kicked me out. It was like 1 in the morning. And after I left, within the next week she was pissed as all hell that I refused to come back. She had kicked me out several times in the past and I was forced to go back bc I was under 18 but this time there was absolutely no reason for me to go back. She wouldn't stop harassing me she called and left so many messages in 2 weeks it filled my entire voicemail. I didn't even know that was possible. But it is. They were all telling me I was a shitty person. I had to get a whole new phone number bc of her. What a great mother right? And she literally cannot wrap her hear around why I want nothing to do with her. And on top of all of her shit my brother's are so brain washed they believe it's okay for her to act the way she does and are MAD AT ME for not wanting to interact with her. They literally try to make me feel guilty for not wanting to see or talk to her. Like the way she acts in in no way, shape or form okay for a parent to act. And the fact they think I should PUT UP WITH IT is fucking ridiculous. I have literally told my one brother story's of what she has does and all he says is "you should really call and talk to mom". Like wow, I can fell the love. I can tell my mental health is important to you. And currently I have been having some serious issues with my insurance. I need to be enrolled in school to get my insurance benefits and I guess this year my shit got messed up and they never received my enrollment info. So for like the last 3 months I've been trying to get it straitened out with problem after problem after problem. And several hours sitting on call waiting with my insurance. Currently I'm emailing someone from college trying to get enrollment verification forms. So I emailed the lady saying I needed help for the fall semester of 2016 and explained my whole problem to her. The spring of 2017 I'm taking off bc of personal problems and she already knew that bc I've already talked to her about it. All she replies with "you're not currently enrolled". I was so pissed and crushed. She clearly didn't even read my email. I have dealt with her before and I have friends that have dealt with her, and she has never been anything but a cunt. And I don't genuinely say cunt as a insult but she's a cunt. Like what even is her job but to help students?? She has either not helped me or given me so much shit in the process. If you fucking hate your job so much that you treat your students like shit, you should get a new job. Like are you serious, I am thousands of dollars in debt to my insurance that I don't owe bc my shit fell through for a stupid reason. And it's affecting my credit score bc I don't want to just pay for it and potentially not get replayed.... And a couple months ago my father had surgery for cancer and isn't working. So with my shit job where I don't even make the minimum wage, I'm trying to support us. And right after he had his surgery and I accidently broke my finger. All in the finals week of school. So I was trying to finish final projects, study for finals, being torn apart hoping my father would be okay, wanting to go out of town to visit him in the hospital and then not being able to bc I broke my finger, and missing several days of school and having to make up finals. All while having my work issues too and being expected to work way more hours than I could physically and mentally handle but doing it anyway. Just being torn apart in every direction possible and having no one care... And since my father's surgery I've had to drive him 2 hours our of town for check ups since his surgery and when I ask those day off from work my boss has the audacity to give me shit about needing those days off even though she knows full well why I was asking them off. I literally hate my life and wish I was dead. Like all of my problems are bc of other people, things that are completely out of my control. Like I try so hard to fix shit and nothing gets better. My entire life I've tried to bend over backwards trying to make my mother love me but she just hates me more and more everyday. No matter what I do or say my boss never takes me seriously or respects or appreciated a single thing I do. No matter who I talk to or what I send nothing changes with my insurance. Can someone just kill me.....

[cookinguptales]

Star Wars

I’m not actually a huge fan of Star Wars, so I guess I’m a good and a bad person to ask about this. I would change a lot, but I also don’t know all the detailed stuff that a megafan might know, so I can’t offer a lot of detailed advice.

Much more focus on Leia’s life. I’m given to understand this is expounded in the books, but I’ll mainly talk about the movies bc lbr that’s what you’re asking me about. Leia just seems so much more interesting than almost every character in the series. I was kind of pissed off during the OT seeing this interesting character, royalty and rebel both, who had all the same makings of a hero that Luke did but with a personality that didn’t make me want to hit her, and who…was generally shunted to the side so we could focus on Luke’s boring-ass Hero’s Journey bullshit. Oh my god ditch the monomyth and get me out of this swamp. Why do I have to listen to Luke’s whining when Leia has much more reason to be upset??

Coherent character arcs for everyone, with an emphasis on character development as a result of the war in which they’ve found themselves. Like man, these are some poorly-written characters. Even Luke, who got an entire freaking trilogy based on him – the one people say is good – has a personality that skips around for no apparent reason. The [insert character development here] that happened between 5 & 6 was particularly jarring and lazy. It was like he wandered off, got vague “training” off camera which apparently involved growing as a human being and whining a hell of a lot less, and came back a totally different character. I’m all for character growth, but you need to actually show a thoughtful progression.

Cut down on some of the fight scenes. Like okay, I get that these are action movies, but some of the pew-pew-pew scenes especially are just kind of interminable. They waste so much time on samey fight scenes that could be used to make the characters and political situation more coherent.

More shallow and petty, but god, the palette in these movies is like 75% brown, black, and white. This is boring. I’m bored. You’re boring me.

just get rid of jar-jar what the actual fuck

If I’d made this list a few years ago, I’d also point towards more diversity and a raising of stakes (by humanizing the losses) but I do think they’ve been doing a better job with that in the recent movies, especially in Rogue One. The Alderaan thing was particularly bizarre in the original trilogy because they literally blew up an entire planet and then there was no real fallout from that?? We don’t even see Leia grieving or anything. Like the stakes never felt that high because even when things on a war crime level of severity happened, everyone was like lol oops. Rogue One helped put a face to the canon fodder (pun fully intended) and also helped diversify the main protagonists that had been almost entirely white and male up to that point. There’s still a ways to go on that front, but at least they’re improving – which is smart. A more diverse cast makes for more diverse (and therefore interesting) storytelling.

[ayearofwhatever]

Letter 13/?

monday april 29th, 2019 4:01pm

hey bitch we back it’s been a mess u don’t even know, i don’t know where i ended so let’s take it from the top.

so i started dating this girl, k, in like early december it was cute for a while. looking back the relationship was based on alcohol and sex so clearly it lasted long. like two days after we started dating c tells me she still likes me and i’m like bruh i’m with k i’m not leaving her for u (lmao dumb bitch u fkn thOT). Turns out me and k are very different people and she pissed me off 100% of the time so i broke up with her on new years (i’m shitty we know), fucked c like 20 minutes after i broke up with k. and then me and c fucked around for a while and i was also fucking k because i’m trash for about a month before it all blew up and i stopped with k and meant to stop it with c but did not and we were basically doing couple shit for a long time and so bringing it back to april 6/7 the weekend before c’s birthday, obviously i did something. i bought lingerie we had great sex i spent three whole days with her and at one point she was crying bc of anxiety and stress and stuff and i was there comforting her. and then comes tuesday she goes back to ktown and i don’t hear from her at all and i’m tryna brush it off because i know she has an exam that day so i texted her good luck she says thanks and that’s it. and then i don’t hear from her at all for about a week and a half( okay to b fair during that week and a half there were 3 conversations but they all went like her:” hey” me:”hey” her:”how are you” me: “good how are you” her: read at 3:46pm so they don’t count) and then on april 25th i snapped her telling her to stop snapping me because she wasn’t talking to me, ignoring my texts but sending me snap streaks even though we don’t have a streak.

so that begins a discussion and it takes me fucking days to get it out of her the real reason she was ignoring me is because she was too pussy to tell me she started seeing someone else. so i told her i don’t want to talk to her again even as a friend because she forgets about me every chance she gets, anything new that comes into her life, new friends, new school, new girlfriend and i’m suddenly last years garbage so i told her i don’t want to speak to her and that she’s not allowed to be mad at me because she tried turning it around saying that i was dry too over text and i was because we had a nice ass birthday weekend for her and then cold fucking turkey so yes i was dry because i was pissed.

ALSO LMAO for her birthday gift i was going to book an airbnb for 3/4 days in so we could go see these therapy goats and have a nice weekend away, thank fuck i didn’t waste $230 bucks amirite

and everything fucking hurts, i’ve had this feeling so many times in the past year i figured i’d be immune by now but my chest still hurts and i’m still crying at night and i still start shaking if i see her or see her name. and it’s so bullshit i’m tired of feeling like this which is exactly why i don’t want to talk to her but she’s still my best friend and the first person i want to tell everything to and i fucking can’t so i’m trying to widen my friend groups to compensate and it’s kinda working but not really. it’s sucks not having anyone to talk to late at night but realistically i didn’t have her for that anyways.

to sum it up i’m fucking sad so the letters r gonna start up again because my main goal for now is to live life to forget her.

ps. her parents still love me so haha live up to that new bitches

pss. check the song “okay” by lany & julia michaels bc the lyrics are my exact situation

[sightful-tangents]

december 28, 2017

I turned 24 this year. I think this blog is now 5 years old, because I still remember writing a bio along the lines of "the girl who writes this blog is 19 years old". When I was 19, I couldn't picture myself at 21. I couldn't picture myself at 22 or 23 and now I'm 24. I never saw a future for myself back then, and it excites me that this year, I had mapped out a 5 year plan. Albeit, this plan is literally just "get a cat."

24 isn't a big or important number for me. If anything, I'm looking forward to 30. But it just feels like a nice, round number. I want to feel as if I'm stepping into myself more and more as I go through my twenties.

A lot has happened this year. When December first rolled around, I was worried that my year wasn't good enough. I'll circle back to personal growth, but in terms of 'events', I think a lot of things happened.

Places traveled: Boston, Barcelona, Bogota, Amsterdam, Brussels, Geneva, Vancouver Island, Tobermory.

I met two book blogger friends who were absolutely delightful and I loved chatting with them. I think it's because they have access to my Twitter and in a weird way, Twitter is where I can be more... authentic. Facebook really is for just keeping in touch with friends, Instagram is a curated photo album, this Tumblr is usually more private and personal thoughts, but Twitter is where I write things that I find funny (I get it, I'm self-absorbed) and generally scream about media, books, feminism, current events, and complain about IRL people who don't know about my feed. And my book blogger friends have full access to this extra-authentic self, which is why I think I felt immediately comfortable when I met them. And they're just funny and so great to talk to.

I watched good movies and read good books and listened to many good podcasts. I read a lot of news, and I felt a lot of feelings. This is the year that I felt more. The year that I got choked up more times than I can count while scrolling my way through the internet. More often than not, something Hillary-related can quickly conjure up something in the back of my throat. I still can't watch the Kate McKinnon SNL post-election piano performance without almost tearing up. I cried from happiness for my friends when I heard they were engaged. I cried from relief when (and this feels like ages ago) the muslim travel ban was overturned. I cried when I read books and articles. I cried to movies. I cried to videos.

When I was younger, I tried so hard never to cry, to not react, to not feel. And I think one of the biggest changes these past few years has been giving myself permission to feel. To dig deeper into my emotions rather than trying to stamp them down and move past them. I love feeling. I love it when something makes me want to cry. It reminds me that I'm alive.

The biggest change, of course, was that I left a job and started a new one and moved across the country. I negotiated my salary. I still sometimes can't believe everything unfolded the way it did.

I am NOT equating my experience AT ALL to any of the absolutely horrific harassment allegations that unfolded in recent months, but in a way, I felt like I could have a deeper understanding of how women's careers can be affected by powerful figures. When shit was going with my boss, when he was pissed off and saying things like "I can sue you but I won't", it made me want to get away from him just so this becomes a bridge that I won't even be near. I had two job offers, one in BC, one in Toronto, and I won't lie when I say that the fact that BC would be far away from my boss wasn't a factor in my decision making. I wanted to get out of the entire industry, and I understand that what transpired WAS NOT EVEN THAT BAD. I'm very conflict-adverse, but when an even that is kind of minor (I can't even tell if I'm gaslighting myself these days) makes me want to leave the industry I've worked in for 2 years, I can't even imagine how a more serious transgression can affect a young person just starting out in her career. It makes me angry and sad. Boy, does that sum up 2017.

Anyways, so I'm back in BC. And I'm getting more and more settled in and making friends (bless my amazing roommates, I am so grateful they are awesome) and as I become more comfortable, I'm also a bit nervous because I do want to eventually return to Toronto. In my head, the timeline is sometime in late 2018 or 2019. But I know as I start to build my life here, it'll only make it harder to leave.

Oh, and I had such a lovely Christmas. I got really nice gifts from my mum, and she was telling me about how happy she is, and my heart just swelled. I'm not a great daughter. I know I can be better, and I know how I can be better, but I don't do it. But, it still makes me happy that my mum feels so happy this holiday season.

And now, back to personal growth. I kind of wish I experienced more personal growth this year. Or maybe, it was just that last year was so drastic in terms of what was changing that this year has mellowed out. I mean, things like dating felt too easy and familiar and not risky. I didn’t take on any drastic 30 day challenges, nor did I unearth particularly prickly revelations about myself. I didn’t really strive toward self improvement in a conscious way that I feel like I had in 2016, and especially for the last few months (after moving), I allowed myself to be much more of a passive consumer. Under the guise of “getting settled into a new job”, I wasn’t really chasing knowledge. I was watching pointless hours of Youtube when I got off work (at a stunning 4pm, like omg), which is legitimately a waste of time and I really don’t like that about myself. It just feels like I’ve given myself a pass to be lazy with this job change, when I wish I could be more invigorated and actually do more things with all my free time. Anyways, being more productive will definitely be a goal next year.

I know this is like an extensive preamble, but anyways, I did want to write a bit about my 2017 New Year's Resolutions. I don't stress myself out about meeting all of them, but if I can hit around 50% I'm happy. Let’s go:

FINANCIAL:

1. Hit a savings goal for money.

2. 4 times a month, don’t spend money.

I would say I only missed 2 or 3 months for this goal.  

3. Organize my receipts system.

Solution: take a picture of all my receipts and email them to a dedicated email account.

4. Get rid of ‘invoice guilt’. 

It helps if I’m annoyed so I can channel a “give me my money” feeling…

5. Budget at the beginning of the month.

I didn’t really budget my next month, but I paid all my bills… does that count?  

6. Make 5K from side hustles.

Yay, did this.. mix of extra work and gifts. Yes, I count gifts as a side hustle. Hush.

 RELATIONSHIPS 

7. Continue to call/talk to my mum at least once a week.

I can now see my mum once a week (if I wanted to… I think she secretly hopes I don’t make any friends so I can continue visiting her on my weekends…) 

8. Continue dating people and figuring out what I want/need within a relationship context. 

Kind of, I think. I have an idea. But I dunno…

9. Don’t be so wary of commitment. 

Hmmm. This is weird. In a way, I feel like I’m more ready to commit, but none of the people I dated this year were people I wanted to commit to. I’m gonna cross this off anyways though, since it’s a mindset, right?!

10. Make 3 new friends. 

I did this! I have 3 new roommates! They are all my friends! Plus I made even more friends than that. Big smiles, all around.

11. Be more open with current close friends. 

I think I’ve done this. In any sense, I’m much more honest and happy to talk about anything and everything.

12. Look people in the eye during conversations.

I made a conscious effort to do this. I should carry over this goal to next year too.

13. Become a better storyteller in conversations.

There is still so much room for improvement, but I think this is something that I’ve gotten better at. And I know this sounds so so lame, but I’ll sometimes think ahead of time of how to structure something I want to share, so it makes more sense to the listener and is more entertaining to listen to.

14. Compliment people more.

I kind of want to cross this off, but I don’t think I *seriously* achieved this.

 PERSONAL (TANGIBLE)

15. Read 35 books (of which 30% will be non-fiction, 1 will be a finance book, and over 50% should be adult). 

I think I only read 20. Sigh. Same goal next year.

16. “Fucking Exercise”

Oh…lol… next year.

17. Find something to work toward, whether this is a hobby or a new job or something else. Try and be motivated.

I have a new job? Does that count? I don’t know if I’m more motivated though. Hmm.

18. Buy a plant. Keep it alive.

I did! I bought 3 succulents. I threw them away when I moved because I realized that I am Bad. At. Plants. In all honestly, it just freaks me out that they grow so quickly.

19. Publish or write 3 freelance articles. 

20. Read the news (NYT, Atlantic, WaPo). Read widely, critically, and thoroughly. Stay informed and engaged in what’s going on in the world (which includes Canada!).

Yes. Kind of. This last month was tough though, as the GOP Tax Scam was going through, it just became so hard to not completely disengage. Hell, I’m not even American. I really considered (still consider?) just stop caring. I know I shouldn’t though. (Oh, and I still don’t know what’s going on in Canada.)

21. Take more photos (even phone photos count. Also, get a new phone).

Same goal next year.

22. Watch all the Oscar Best Picture nominees.

Unfortunately not.

23. Go to the doctor!!

I got a Pap test and it was fine. Ladies, go do this.

24. Travel goals for 2017: San Francisco, Eastern Canada, and the far-fetched one: South America. I’d like to take at least 2 weeks off (straight) to travel. 

I went to Europe and South America for work!! And Boston! I have 20 vacation days next year and I plan to make them count.

 PERSONAL (INTANGIBLE)

25. Don’t compare yourself to others.

Yes. I’m glad.

26. Strive to be better, not better than others.

I think so. As said in my preamble, I don’t think I reached this to the degree that I wanted in terms of self-improvement, but I do think I tried to be better.

27. Try harder to be Warm.

I think so. Again, not as much as I wanted to, but I am deliberately and intentionally more generous and loving with my friends.

28. Be more assertive.

I negotiated my salary. I ran business meetings, managed coworkers, and asked for things.

29. Not have the same problems as you had in 2016

I’m gonna say yes. I had VERY DIFFERENT PROBLEMS LOL.

30. Know price, value, and the difference between them. 

I took a lower paying job because I wanted the work life balance. Just saying.

31. And a repeat from the previous years: Be better than I currently am. 

I think so. Always room for improvement.

 32. And because it worked out well last year: Take risks. Of all sorts. Because, why not.

Hello from my desk in Vancouver. Because, why not.

Final Tally: 24 for 32 HELL YEAH (half point for #2 and #24)

[guerrillathoughts]

Guerrilla Book of the Week - Book 6 - Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk

“Someday I’d be dead without a scar and there would be a really nice condo and car. Really, really nice, until the dust settled or the next owner. Nothing is static. Even the Mona Lisa is falling apart.”

My own mortality scares me. I have mentioned this multiple times through this blog. I alluded to the problem in a previous blog. It is not that I am afraid of dying, I am afraid of not living before hand. I am scared that I will be dead someday with no scars, and no stories for others to tell.

Fight Club is a movie I have watched a million times and I really enjoy it. I will watch it many times more. I am a massive fan of Edward Norton and Brad Pitt is obviously not a bad actor. Again in a previous blog I discussed how one can have the same experience multiple times and yet experience different things each time.

For example, in my youthful naivety I merely saw this film for its antiestablishment anarchical message. That is indeed an aspect of this film, but it is not the only aspect. Rewatching the film I can see that now, where as I feel having finally read the book that it portrays the other aspects far more clearly.

So lets start with the basic story; Two men form a fight club where other men can meet weekly to beat each other black and blue for no other reason than they are unhappy with the way their lives are going. The fight club takes an anarchistic turn and develops into Project Mayhem, an army of angry adults that intend to destroy the current American social structure. I think you can see how I mistook this for a mere tale of anarchy. Anyone that knows me will also understand how that would appeal to me. However the author seems to be addressing, rather than a belief in anarchy, what it is that leads to a belief in anarchy. Russell Brand addresses this topic so often in his Youtube series The Trews, which I highly recommend. This book is based in America, but it applies globally.

There is a frustration among the work class people, the proletariat, of the world. In recent years we have seen this distilled in many ways such as the Occupy Movement and, if not addressed positively, the rise of the far right. People have a desire to see life as more than their jobs and their bank accounts. This book was published in 1996. This is a desire than has existed long before then, since Socrates and Plato or the Stoics in BC. It still exists today and it will for the foreseeable future.

“You are not your job, you're not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are all singing, all dancing crap of the world.” 

The book addresses the fact that we mere mortals have become just another commodity. Marx describes this as reification. The author has made a very deliberate choice of employment for our protagonist narrator. It is his job to decide wether cars should be recalled when a serious fault is identified by calculating if it would be cheaper to just put up with the court fees. The novel addresses consumerism as a way of keeping the working class unaware and in their quarter and sums this up by saying “The things you used to own, now they own you”.

Basically, none of the things we were told we could be, none of the things we were told we within our grasp are actually within our grasp and we are pretty unhappy with that.

“We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.”

So a fight club was the way of addressing these complaints. Now, I am more likely to identify with Occupy, the 99%, than a fight club, considering I am a pacifist, but I understand the need to find an outlet or a way to escape the tedious repetitiveness of current social structure.

Another notion repeated in this story is how horrible an impact this way of living can have on people. The book addresses this at a few points but I think the best way of depicting this was captured in the lines

“…if people thought you were dying, they gave you their full attention. If this might be the last time they saw you, they really saw you… You had their full attention. People listened instead of just waiting for their turn to speak”.

The fact that one has to be dying before they are worthy of real contemplation is a frightening reality for a lot of people; and in fact even those that are dying are sometimes deemed unworthy of our time.

My very purpose of taking to this blog, was the clear fact that no one listens. I was fed up of the eyes rolling and people saying “Here he goes again”. And that was family and friends. 

Now I am not saying that Fight Club is a Marxist or Anarchist text, just to be clear. I think this message identifies with all working class people, as well as those in the upper echelons who didn’t find happiness in their pursuits of money or fame, and I think the author makes it clear that the narrator knows that Project Mayhem is a step too far. The book does have themes of class warfare, but it also addresses masculinity, love, violence, mortality and religion. 

But what do I get out of reading Fight Club? Simply, confirmation. Confirmation that I am not the only one aware off and dissatisfied with the current social constructs. Where as I am not willing to accept that fighting is the answer to these problems, I am willing to accept that there is a real danger of society spiralling out of control, and depending on how we distill the anger, it will not necessarily be for the better.

What drives a young male from Birmingham, to make the difficult and dangerous journey to Syria or Iraq to join the forces of Daesh? What drives the young people onto the streets each weekend to drink their weekends away? What makes a man walk into a primary school with a gun and shoot children? We need to identify these issues and then solve them i the most peaceful way possible.

However the other message that comes gleaming from the pages of this book, is to make sure you are enjoying your life. You get shot at it, so make it a good one. Quit that job you hate; stop studying that course you have no love for; do not waste anymore time with the people that make you feel inferior. As Mike Rosenberg so elegantly puts it, in Passenger’s song Scare Away the Dark, “We should run through the forest, We should swim in the streams, We should laugh, we should cry, We should love, we should dream, We should stare at the stars and not just the screens” and more importantly we should not forget that

“This is your life And It is ending one minute at a time”