whatevenis2016-blog

[whatevenis2016-blog]

I feel like I'm suffocating

My life has been a blur

May of 2019 I graduated college. I thought life would look up after this point. I spent about 3 weeks just sleeping and recovering from a lifetime of depression and disappointment.

I considered applying for internships now that I was done with school so I could someday quit my grocery store job. That's what other colleges graduates do.

Oh no. That's not my life. Not normal. Not easy. Not me.

My father had a major stroke. My uncles came to my dads as a suprise visit and found him slumped over on the couch.

I feel immensely guilty for moving out and not being around. I feel terrible at the thought of how long he may have been laying there. I feel stressed about how much money he will now owe in medical bills. Because he just retired and is no making no money now. He took an ambulance to the hospital. Spent a week there. Had lots of tests and pills and doctors. Then 3 weeks in a rehabilitation facility. Which was 45min to an hour away from our home town. So on top of work I was driving 45min there and back everyday. And my car is kind of crap and needs a new bumper and an oil change. But I'm flat ass broke.

I broke my bumper about 6 months ago after trying to do a good deed. But I have not had any money to fix it.

And recently my roommate (3rd person in my apartment) moved out and suddenly we had to pay more into the security deposit (which only makes sense, but of course I didn't have enough brain power to consider) so that sucked.

Then my only one year old phone stopped working. Which was amazing

[whatevenis2016-blog]

[whatevenis2016-blog]

I think my boyfriend is falling out of love with me. We have been together for about a year and a half. And I can tell things are changing between us.

He losses his temper pretty often with me, when it used to never happen. Even when he's not necessarily mad at me, but something else, he'll still take that anger out on me. And if I've had a bad day or he did something mean, if I have the slightest bit of attitude, he'll call me out and tell me to stop with the attitude. But if I bring up him having an attitude, he acts like he's entitled to be mad and act out on it but I shouldn't.

He also has been dropping phrases like "we've been hanging out a lot" or "we've been hanging out too much" or "we're hanging out more than we used to". And he's entitled to feel like we're spending a lot of time together. But the problems I have with him saying these things is 1. He used to frequently tell me he thought I was neglecting him because I wouldn't talk to him or want to hang out as often as he wanted to. But now that I message him more, he quite often doesn't respond back to me. Like you ask me to talk to me more then ignore me because now it's too much? And wanting to hang out more but now saying it's too much? 2. And the really funny thing is, I'm a full time college student and working too, so I have a very limited schedule. So normally I'll ask him to hang out maybe 2 or 3 times a week, which I don't think is excessive. But then he'll ask to hang out Friday night. I work til 8:30 so we don't hang out til 9. Then we usually go to bed at 10. Then he gets up in the morning and leaves. But then he'll ask me to hang out Saturday night. Same thing as Friday night, leaves in the morning. Then will ask me to hang out Sunday night. Like you are the one who wants to hang out the entire weekend.... But then you say stuff like "well we've been hanging out a lot..." Like it's a negative thing and like it's a problem I am creating. But really this is an issue of he's own creation and projecting it onto me. So then I feel really bad even tho I know it's not my fault. And then I tell him I'm upset by him saying these things then he get all defensive towards me like I'm doing something wrong. And he always says well I didn't mean it negative. But what other way are you suppose to take the phrase "we're hanging out too much" as an excuse to not hang out when I ask him to?

And we never hang out during the day. Granted in the small town we live in there isn't much to do. But during the day he would rather stay at home and play video games until like 7 or 8pm. So even if I don't have work or class, he get off work at 2:30, he would still rather wait until 7 to hang out. Which is just kind of sad to me. I have nothing against gaming, I game but like it would be nice to even just once a week if he would hang out with me earlier and spend time with me. Instead of him only come over late and then us basically going right to bed, then he leaves first thing in the morning.

And normally he has a game day with his guy friends either Saturday or Sunday. And even on days when he doesn't have it, he still doesn't want to hang out with me during the day. Or he'll find out that they cancelled it and still doesn't want to hang out.

Just today we had made plans over the weekend to hang out today (Tuesday) because it's one of my day's off. He texts me, hey I'd rather hang out tomorrow. Okay, fine, whatever. So that basically puts me in a bad mood for the day bc I was looking forward to seeing him. And I said we could hang out earlier in the day that we normally do. But then he changed his mind. Bc of my school schedule we won't be able to hang out until 5 or later. And then not too long ago he texts me again. He changed his mind, he still wants to hang out today. Well now I'm sour and don't really want to see him. And pretty sure he's mad at me for turning him down. But honestly I don't really want to see him now. And he does this allllll the time. Asks to change plans and most of the time the day he wants to switch to doesn't work for me. And some days I even text him to confirm that we are still hanging out that day and a lot of the time he's changed his mind. Doesn't want to hang out anymore. Oh cool. And sometimes he'll even change his mind again and later will text me again and be like you know actually I do want to hang out. Like he is such a flake and can't ever make up his mind.

Also I have depression. And it get a lot worse in the winter. Plus school makes it worse. And I've basically never been in a good work environment so that doesn't help. Now on top of all that my boyfriend has been pulling away. And I feel neglected and even more lonely.

I want to be happy. And I want to be happy around him but he just doesn't seem affectionate around me any more and it makes it really hard.

[whatevenis2016-blog]

[whatevenis2016-blog]

Honestly I just pretend to be nice. People think I'm really kind and companionate, but it's all just a show. I am actually so terrible on the inside I have to actively prevent myself from being mean constantly.

When I was younger I was just horribly mean all the time bc I felt like shit. But that never helped me in any situation and if I ever wanted to get anywhere in life or ever have friends or relationships, I couldn't be acting that way. But that doesn't mean that's not still how I really feel on the inside.

I'm being 100% honest when I say my mother is hands down the worst person I've ever met. She was needlessly and endlessly mean to me all of my life. And every so often she would push me far enough to just completely freak out. Then she would continue to say how I was "psychotic", "immature" or "delusional" like I was the one acting crazy when really it was her and I just couldn't stand it anymore.

I think that will always stay with me. That no matter who they are, they can hurt you. It doesn't matter. You can be as "good" or "nice" as you possibly can but they will still hate you and put you down. And you can't get out of your head that you are horrible, not worthy of love, retarded, useless, unwanted, and overall just a disappointment. And you just grow to hate everyone. And nothing in life matters so you stop caring, stop trying and every breath you speak is just terrible. Bc you want to go out of your way to hurt other people just bc you can.

But like I said, when you do that you don't get very far. So you put on an act. And everyone in your new life thinks your nice. Your dad just thought it was a "teenage phase" but really it's all still there, you just dont say it out loud. And your professors think your sweet, and your boss thinks your adorable and your friends just think it's a joke when you say seriously nasty things but they are true and you find a new boyfriend you thinks you're really caring. But really your just afraid of being a lot and youre not really sure if you could get someone better so you just put up with it even though you could be really mean a lot of the time, you just bite your tongue.

But the worst thing(s) you have ever done is taking your anger for other people and situations out in your pets. This is really my one and only crippling regret in my life is the way I've treated my pets bc I don't know any other way to get my anger out without exploding on other people and making myself look like and idiot and an asshole, and I'm trying to work this nice angle. But none of that makes my actions okay. I wish more than anything I could take it all back. And change and be better for them.

I honestly I don't if I could ever chance it having kids... Like I never thought I could be capable to treating my pets the way I have before it happened. I'm just scared reg same overwhelming emotions would take over if I had kids and I got too frustrated... I honestly don't know, I don't think I could handle it and idk if I could handle the grief of feeling like I could never be a good mom and the guild if I ever hurt them and if it messed them up phycologically in the long run.

Uh fuck me

[whatevenis2016-blog]

I'm so bad about not posting regularly. And honestly I feel like I only ever remember it when I'm feeling really depressed. So whenever it gets really bad I want to vent. But there's basically like nothing positive on this blog which is kind of funny. But the best part it, that when I'm not posting, that doesn't mean my life is good. It's just not the absolute worst.

I'm just so stressed out all of the time and very anxious about literally everything. I just never seem to be able to pull myself out of this hole I call my life

[whatevenis2016-blog]

You just can't settle for people who aren't worth your time. And don't get hung up when they are way more into you than you are into them bc you owe no one anything. I'm not saying you need to be mean to anyone, but you also don't have to stay to try and make them happy if you aren't happy

[whatevenis2016-blog]

I just want to be happy.... But I feel like that will never happen. It's been 21 years of sadness, why would anything suddenly change?

[whatevenis2016-blog]

Please just kill me already.

Basically every aspect of my life sucks rn. Work is horrible and gets worse and worse everyday. I can't stand it and I just want someone to call me back so I can get out of this hell hole. It's so funny tho this one girl gets to work 45, 50, even an hour late every single day and my boss doesn't seem to care and I get to work everyday on time and then I change into my work cloths there and clock in like 3 minutes late. But do you know who she gives shit and bitched about behind her back to other employees? Me. Not her. She literally doesn't appreciate the fact that I basically run her store and shes never there. And she takes weekends off and gives the girl who's always late weekends off and this guy every Friday and Sunday off but won't give me or the other girl who actually do shit at work any weekend days off. Ever. I ask one weekend off a year, for my birthday. And she still Give Me Shit about how hard it is for her to make it work without me being there. Oh wow. Go fuck yourself. Like really. I don't care how hard it is for you, it's your business not mine. It's not my problem. Like if you can't make it work with the people you have, maybe you should fucking hire more people? And not just have like 6 employees.... And about a million other reasons why working there is complete ass. My mother hates me. And no I'm not exaggerating, not even a little bit. Here are some direct quotes from my mother, all completely unprovoked and completely out of the blue:: "you are a psychopath" "maybe I should keep calling your bitch of an employer" she's trying to get me fired bc I refused to see her on my birthday "you're off your meds, you aren't wearing your retainer, you dropped out of college. You're living in an unhealthy environment" my doctor took me off my meds bc I'm doing better, I stopped wearing my retainer bc it's been ever a year since I got my braces off, I'm taking ONE semester off bc my whole fucking life is imploding around me and an way too stressed out and overwhelmed to handle school on top of all my other problems. "Your father said he was going to kill me" complete lies bc she's mad my father got custody of me when I was a child. "maybe C***** didn't stab you in the back she just didn't like how he was treating you" and ex friend of mine treated me like shit and tried to break me and an ex up and then tore apart many other friendships bc she's an insecure person but she wants me to believe I was the problem not other people. "your dad doesn't want you to succeed" "it's time to grow up and stop blaming shit on me!!!!!!!" "You only text me when you're angry" " I tried so hard with you" "I wasted XXXX$ on your braces" she tried to take my father to Cort and force him to pay for braces but because she was thousands and thousands of dollars behind in child support they made her pay for them, not to mention doing things like that are what you're suppose to do as a parent not bc your child 'deserves it'. All those are just text messages she's sent me resently. I'm currently 21 and she still owns me like 33,000$++ in child support. She doesn't even work, she sponges off the government. The money she gets from the government every month is more that my father Earns every month. And my dad is able to out food on the table, buy clothing for me and then some but she's not even able to buy anything more than bread and ramen noodles bc she spends the rest of her money on drugs and alcohol and other stupid shit (like smart phones she doesn't know how to use and DS3Ds as soon as they are released and again doesn't know how to use. All for herself I might add). She has completely treated my like shit for my entire life. When I was younger I used to believe I deserved it bc I was just a shitty person but after seeing a good therapist, I know know she's mentally ill, refuses to get help and just projects all her issues and anger onto me. She tells me I'm the worst thing that has ever happened to her, that I'm mentally retarded and would never graduate high school (even though from 11th great until my junior year or college I got all As and Bs except 2 classes I really struggled in), she would tell me I don't deserve love and I would die alone. Day in and day out for absolutely no reason other than just wanting me to feel horrible. If I wouldn't do simple things like dishes or taking trash out she would threaten me never to take me to a doctor or dentist again (which incase you can't figure this out for yourself is sick and twisted) you should ground your kid of a weekend not refuse medical attention. She's woken me up in the middle of the night, knocking me out of bed and kicked me out with no explanation. Once I was out with a friend and came home probably around 11pm and she had locked me out of our appartment and wouldn't let me back in and I had called my dad but he was asleep so he didn't answer, so I just waited outside in the hallway until the next morning and rode the bus to school. One of the first therapists I had told her she can't keep treating me the way she does (keep in mind my mother would sit in on my appointments and do most of the talking herself so it wasn't even just me spouting out a bunch of shit, it was just from the words spoken from my mother). On the way home she told me how horrible I am, how I was the worst thing that has ever happened to her, that I deserved all the bad thing possible to happen to me. There have been times when she was mad at one of my brother's (she has 2 other sons, my 2 half brother's) and she would take her anger out on me (bc they didn't live with us) she would tell me it was my responsibility to step up and take her shit, that's what it meant to be 'part of a family' what it meant to be 'an adult'. Does that make sense to you? If you're mad at someone but they aren't there...That you would yell and a completely unrelated person simply bc you were mad...? Bc that's what it meant to be a family...? No. It doesn't make sense. I've literally seen my mother do something and then turn around a yell at my brother like he did it. She's so fucked up, she just can't stand it when there isn't drama. The last time l lived with her was my senior year of high schoool, in the middle of the night she tricked me into coming downstairs telling me she was hurt and needed help. When really she was shitfaced drunk, she told me how sick of me she was, how she couldn't stand me, how she didn't want to take care of me anymore. She had a hand full of several bills all in my name, all way past due, that she didn't pay or give to me, that were ruining my credit bc they were unpayed. Just to fuck me over. And then kicked me out. It was like 1 in the morning. And after I left, within the next week she was pissed as all hell that I refused to come back. She had kicked me out several times in the past and I was forced to go back bc I was under 18 but this time there was absolutely no reason for me to go back. She wouldn't stop harassing me she called and left so many messages in 2 weeks it filled my entire voicemail. I didn't even know that was possible. But it is. They were all telling me I was a shitty person. I had to get a whole new phone number bc of her. What a great mother right? And she literally cannot wrap her hear around why I want nothing to do with her. And on top of all of her shit my brother's are so brain washed they believe it's okay for her to act the way she does and are MAD AT ME for not wanting to interact with her. They literally try to make me feel guilty for not wanting to see or talk to her. Like the way she acts in in no way, shape or form okay for a parent to act. And the fact they think I should PUT UP WITH IT is fucking ridiculous. I have literally told my one brother story's of what she has does and all he says is "you should really call and talk to mom". Like wow, I can fell the love. I can tell my mental health is important to you. And currently I have been having some serious issues with my insurance. I need to be enrolled in school to get my insurance benefits and I guess this year my shit got messed up and they never received my enrollment info. So for like the last 3 months I've been trying to get it straitened out with problem after problem after problem. And several hours sitting on call waiting with my insurance. Currently I'm emailing someone from college trying to get enrollment verification forms. So I emailed the lady saying I needed help for the fall semester of 2016 and explained my whole problem to her. The spring of 2017 I'm taking off bc of personal problems and she already knew that bc I've already talked to her about it. All she replies with "you're not currently enrolled". I was so pissed and crushed. She clearly didn't even read my email. I have dealt with her before and I have friends that have dealt with her, and she has never been anything but a cunt. And I don't genuinely say cunt as a insult but she's a cunt. Like what even is her job but to help students?? She has either not helped me or given me so much shit in the process. If you fucking hate your job so much that you treat your students like shit, you should get a new job. Like are you serious, I am thousands of dollars in debt to my insurance that I don't owe bc my shit fell through for a stupid reason. And it's affecting my credit score bc I don't want to just pay for it and potentially not get replayed.... And a couple months ago my father had surgery for cancer and isn't working. So with my shit job where I don't even make the minimum wage, I'm trying to support us. And right after he had his surgery and I accidently broke my finger. All in the finals week of school. So I was trying to finish final projects, study for finals, being torn apart hoping my father would be okay, wanting to go out of town to visit him in the hospital and then not being able to bc I broke my finger, and missing several days of school and having to make up finals. All while having my work issues too and being expected to work way more hours than I could physically and mentally handle but doing it anyway. Just being torn apart in every direction possible and having no one care... And since my father's surgery I've had to drive him 2 hours our of town for check ups since his surgery and when I ask those day off from work my boss has the audacity to give me shit about needing those days off even though she knows full well why I was asking them off. I literally hate my life and wish I was dead. Like all of my problems are bc of other people, things that are completely out of my control. Like I try so hard to fix shit and nothing gets better. My entire life I've tried to bend over backwards trying to make my mother love me but she just hates me more and more everyday. No matter what I do or say my boss never takes me seriously or respects or appreciated a single thing I do. No matter who I talk to or what I send nothing changes with my insurance. Can someone just kill me.....

[whatevenis2016-blog]

I just want my life to be different lol

I've been trying to find a new job bc I am so sick of my current job. It seems like my boss has no respect for me, bc it's a small business I don't even make minimum wage, I have to work every weekend and get a huge amount of shit if I want a weekend off (like once a year I ask), I'm a trainer so I always work with shitty new people and my boss doesn't even appreciate all the crap I have to deal with, it's food service which I obviously don't want to do forever or even much longer bc fuck that, I've worked there for almost 3 years which is way too long at a job like this. I want a different job that pays more, where I only have to work Monday through Friday, and work morning through early afternoon. At least until I go back to school in the fall. But like there only like 2 people left a work that I even like working with. So it's just a bunch of little thing that are all piling up until I hate work. And my coworker is also trying to find another job but she's afraid that if she gets a new it'll be worse than our current one. But idk maybe she feels that way but I don't think there could be a job that I like less than my current situation. Bc even if the job kind of suck, the pay will still be good, the hours will still be good. Ya know? I think it'll be fine, I just need out, I don't even care. I also hate school and don't want to go back. Like I'm regretting my whole school plan. Going straight from high school into college, first bad move. I should have taken a break bc now I feel like I'm dying. Going to a 4 years school instead of a 2 year, second bad move. I wish I had just gone to a 2 year school, got a degree in business and I would be done by now, like holy shit. I'm currently going to school for Studio Arts which I know is stupid. Who gets an art degree? Retards. That's who. But my "emphasis" is Graphic Design. So like obviously not as bad as like a painter, cuz then I would really be screwed in the employment department. But like the thing is, I don't really like Graphic Design? Okay maybe that's not right... It's more like I don't think I would like other people telling me how to make "art" for my job..? Cuz I wouldn't be able to make things I like, or do things my way bc it will be for someone else. Ya know? So I feel like I would either hate doing it, or my clients who hate my work. So like I'm feeling like I'm going to minor in Business like a smart person. I'm gonna go ham on that and then just finish my major up but really focus on my minor. Like I really just want to get a normal "desk job" tbh, work Monday through Friday. I feel like most people would hate that, or be their worst case scenario but I would be so down for that. Do the same thing everyday, have every afternoon and weekend off? Sounds great. And then in my spare time I can do all the things I actually enjoy. And I could possibly do some freelance graphic design in my spare time. But I really don't think I want to try and make a living out of that. Or I could try my hand in greeting cards and stuff cuz there's quite a bit of money in that market. I also want my appearance to be different. I don't like my current hair colour and I don't really have the time or money to do anything with it. I also chopped all my hair off over a year ago and I've finally decided to grow it out. But it's very short so it will take an insane amount of time to grow back. And it's at like an awkward length and I don't like the way it looks but the catch is, if I cut it to make it look better I would be losing length. In the long run in that worth it? Probs not. So I'm just kind of dealing with hair that I over all don't like. But once it gets to a decent length and I have money I'm gonna get extensions again. And my hair will look nice and I'll be happy. I've also gotten very lazy with my makeup which also makes me sad bc I don't feel that great about myself. I also want to buy all new cloths (bc I'm a girl and that's what we do) but I'm broke for 2 reasons, one bc I don't get payed enough at work and 2 bc my dad hasn't been working since he's had surgery. So I've been trying to save as much money as possible to we can, you know, live? And stay in our house? So in essence meaning not really having money for makeup or hair stuff or a lot of other stuff. Actually my work shoes are so fucked rn and people literally make fun of me but you know what? Fuck them. I don't have money to be buying a pear or shoes just for work? Plus I hate my job so that also adds to me not buying shoes for there. I also really want to get fake nails bc I love them. They look so nice and they make me feel good but again no money. Plus I fractured my finger a while ago and lost a finger nail. Sooo if I did get fake nails I would just be missing one nail lmao. When I finally have money one of the first things I'm going to do is buy a desktop computer. But it's gonna be crazy experience, I already know. Bc I want at least 2 monitors. One for graphic design (school and freelance) I think it will really help me get better bc I'll be able to work on stuff outside of school. It I'll be a touch screen and be adjustable. In addition to the monitor for graphic design I will need all the software. Then a second more standard monitor. I want both Windows and Mac on both monitors. I want to be able to game using both monitors. I want them to be able to use them individually and also simultaneously. Eventually I want to get all the stuff I need to live stream, so webcam, mics, headset, speakers. But like idk what I want to do first... Cuz I really want the set up to game.but I should probably get the graphic design stuff first... Or the other option would be to get the gaming monitor and cpu, then get both Windows and Mac and then get a drawing tablet thing instead of a touch screen monitor? Maybe probably. That would probably be the less expensive route.. and then just using external hard drives probably to keep my gaming and graphic design stuff separate. I also want to draw more and be better at drawing. But like I never have any motivation or inspiration to draw and or don't have time to do it. But maybe if I get the computer set up that I want, that will help with motivation. And if my work doesn't suck that much maybe I could sell my works online? That would be cool. I also want to get back into jewelry making and that's something else I could potentially sell which would be cool. Overall: No fucking idea. Like nothing about my life is how I want it to be except for my friends. I have awesome friends and a great boyfriend. But like I never get to see them bc of work and my dad stuff so even that sucks. But I have a plan. I know what I want, I just have to get there. I'll get there. Someday The thing is I know I can get to where I want eventually but like I don't want to be that old when it happens. Like it would suck to not be able to do all the fun things I want to do when I'm young bc I just can't bc of money or shitty jobs or school or so on. And like better late than never? Idk idk I don't know how I feel about all this. I just want to be happy

[whatevenis2016-blog]

[whatevenis2016-blog]

So about a month and a half ago my father had surgery for cancer and I fractured my finger. So basically my whole life was falling apart. My dad quit working like 2 weeks before his surgery. So now it's been about 2 months he's been out of work. And I was trying to finish up my semester in college. But I was gone a lot around the time of finals bc of my dad's surgery. And then I go and fracture my left index finger, rendering my whole left hang useless. And God did it hurt. If I wanted to drive, I had to do it one handed. Which can actually be a little scary in the winter in MN, when you are physically incapable of using both hands. And then my car gets a flat. Then another flat. And then another fucking flat. And I had to have my boyfriend not only pick me up from being stranded, but he also had to take my car to the tire shop bc I had to work. God bless that boy, honestly. Now I'm done with school. Facing work issues, family issues. And all of a sudden my insurance card isn't working and I can't find out any info about why. So now months later I'm reciving bills that are past due. Literally didn't get a bill until 2 months later in some of my bills. So I am so stressed over that because I owe so much money rn. Basically my whole life sucks and I'm stressed out and depressed Bleh

[whatevenis2016-blog]

So I finally messaged him about it, like a week later. And he didn't reply for a full day, so I didn't actually think he would respond. So I respond back and he never replied after that. Then it wass his birthday and I text him. No reply. Then it was Christmas and I didn't try messaging him bc he didn't reply on his birthday. I miss him

My exes father passed away a couple nights ago

I feel horrible. It’s so sad, he was so young. And my ex is only 20, but that’s too young to lose a parent. And I feel bad that him and I are estranged. I just want to message him. And talk to him. But I dont think he wants me to. I really want to be friends, I still care so very much for him, but he doesn’t think we can

[whatevenis2016-blog]

My exes father passed away a couple nights ago I feel horrible. It's so sad, he was so young. And my ex is only 20, but that's too young to lose a parent. And I feel bad that him and I are estranged. I just want to message him. And talk to him. But I dont think he wants me to. I really want to be friends, I still care so very much for him, but he doesn't think we can

[whatevenis2016-blog]

So you say you want a fish? But maybe your perfect someone is a mammal or reptile? But you’re stuck in the water, and that perfect someone would be walking along the shore. And you would never even know she exists.

[whatevenis2016-blog]

I go to school full time and work between 25 and 30 hours a week since I started college. And I've worked almost every single Friday though Sunday, unless I've asked it off. Which has been like maybe 3 times. I’ve worked my current job for about 2 and a half years. 

It’s kind of ridiculous in my opinion. Usually working 5 days a week, every week and never having weekend off. Almost every person I know either has every weekend off (only works Monday through Friday) or every other weekend off. I wish I could have that, but I’ll never have that at my current job.

[whatevenis2016-blog]

I am so excited to take a semester off from school. I mean, 16 straight years of school is kind of insane. I’m not even finished yet and I really wish I’d taken a break between highschool and college. 

Not to mention when I’m older and have a “real” job and am out of school, it will be virtually impossible to just take a break from life, essentially.  

I need this so bad.