#i fucking hate the people that think theyre smart for using ai to do their school work

[bueris]

"if you miss out on these ai tools you're skipping out on being an academic weapon!" if I need those tools then I suck, I don't actually understand it, I can't do the thing, fundamentally I would absolutely not be an academic weapon if I used it because I'm not the one doing the thing. so no. I'm doing it myself even if it's hard because I've got a backbone.

[kidpunkjunk]

how good is arcade gannon... really...

the best. hes literally the best. thats the answer thats it thats all hes the most good.

i was about to make a big long think piece but you know what no, fuck you, i shouldnt have to. i shouldnt have to explain or debunk or anything, if you have any kind of comprehension at ALL youd understand. he is, morally, one of the best people in the entire wasteland. he tries so hard and succeds as best he can. he wants the best for himself and everyone around him which cant be said abt most fuckers in the fallout world. hes so selfless and caring and just. fuck dude.

imagine coming from one of the most vile terrible factions in the fallout universe, imagine growing up with those ideals and yet realizing no hey fuck that, thats bad actually. he subverted the mindset he grew up with so extremely, joining a group almost the exact opposite of the envlave. and even within them you could argue hes one of the optimistic and idealist people. like. shit dude. "he joined bc of their resources and knowledge" are you kidding ?? his main goal is to help people, thats his main drive in life and you dare imply its anything else? you dare imply hes shallow and selfish and would use them just for their books? fucking really? sure its a PLUS but youre emptyheaded thinking thats the only reason.

i will never shut up abt his parallels to carla. he is out of time, hes a prewar relic, he doesnt belong in the shithole that is post nuclear wasteland america. hes something out of a pristine photograph, as perfect as one can get without trying, while remaining humble. hes honestly too good for the world he is in. "how good is he really" too good, hes too good, and i dont mean that in a "its unrealistic how good he is" way, i mean that his world doesnt deserve a man so good.

when they said he uses his enclave knowledge in the independent vegas ending (best ending btw) they dont mean the fascist ideas they held or the conservative mindset they had, dude they were SMART in the enclave, wildly intelligent!! fucking !! sentient deathclaws the fuck !! they had fountains of knowledge, rivalling the followers and the brotherhood. say what you want, yes theyre horrible people, but their scientists were near genius' !!! which made them all the more terrifying!! like Caesar if he wasnt a goddamn dumbass !! their best president was an ai !!! and you misinterpret that so insanely its not FUNNY. hes using all this forgotten knowledge, knowledge that would be lost forever, for good, and you think they meant he was instating fascist regimes into freeside? really? really? and he doesnt. he doesnt want to be his dad. he doesnt want to not want to be his dad or whatever the fuck. he wants his dad to be proud of him. bc thats his fucking father. enclave or not, whatever the hell, thats his father.

he hates the ncr because the ncr sucks. only good idea that the enclave held: ncr sucks. they do. theyre imperialist, theyre capitalists, they suck. regardless of who installed that opinion in him, its right, its correct. bootlicker.

i believe that during the battle arcade, like the other remnants, kept their face hidden so they could go abt their lives after. its entirely believable that noone knew it was him in the tesla armour and he could return to freeside. enclave knowledge and tech is invaluable, im sure julie was willing to not ask too many questions for such helpful and valuable prewar recources. and after he returned im positive that he did not strive for a place of leadership within the fort, i highly doubt it. give orders? where did it say he started giving orders? where? point me to it ?

this is the story of a man with a troubled past, who comes from.horrible roots, who wants to be better than what he was set up to be. its the story of a man finding his place in a world thats not fit for people like him. its the story of a man who wants his parents to be proud of him, without being what they wanted him to be, a thing so many people go through. its the story of a man who fears he is destined to be horrible but defeats his perceived fate. its the story of a good man. arcade gannon is a good man. and thats why hes my favorite character. fuck you.

[unitedunionofdave]

the kids: and if they have a braincell or not

BROUGHT TO YOU BY MOD GRAY AND MOD ROX

after some CAREFUL debate, thoughts, and sleep-deprived keysmashes in the discord chat, we have come up with these conclusions

john: no brain. no idea how to use it

rose: does she have a brain? does she know how to use it? yes but actually no

dave: has a braincell. knows how to use it. but, under any circumstances, will not do so

jade: has a braincell. knows how to use it

jane: has a braincell. knows how to use it but also prone to misusing it

roxy: has TWO whole braincells!! unfortunately no one is aware on what they do or if they work or not

dirk: has a braincell. uses it in the DUMBEST OF ASSEST WAYS POSSIBLE

jake: has a braincell. doesnt have a single fucking CLUE on how to use it

i need help from the smartest person around here. who do i go to?

1: jade. most trustworthy, can most likely help u w anything. if not;

2: jane. a little Less helpful but not terrible. is actually p smart and could prolly bullshit her way thru stuff. if not

3: roxy, hope the two braincells are functioning. if not

4: i hate to give dirk such a high position, but dirk. itll be a STUPIDASS solution but a solution nonetheless. but u dont want that so

5: rose. if you can sift thru her 12 pages of prose and thinking u could prolly just. make a solution from that urself. if ur Jared 19 and cant read

6: dave. similar to rose, except its 12 pages of rapping rambling and irony. could still figure out a solution from it. maybe. if not

7: Jake. he might not know how to use a braincell but he has one so he could completely stumble upon a solution. just gotta help him out a bit

and last but not least

8: john. we love john a lot but do not go to him. he wont know. like at all

ELABORATION.

most of them HAVE the braincell cause yknow most kids in homestuck were straight up supergeniuses with their fucking robots and their psychology and their sentient-robot-literal-life-creating-computer-science but the thing is they have absolutely no fucking clue on how to USE the goddamn braincell. they have it, sure, for example dirk being able to create a sentient ai, but he doesnt know how to use it, because jesus fuck, he just put himself into a situation in which he made a sentient ai

they HAVE the braincell but also dirk eats straight up teabags

roxy is an AMAZING hacker and could beat sollux after she learned alternian. but also they cant do directions for shit

well actually dirk may have been a bad example considering that he does technically know how to use it he just uses it in the stupidest fucking way possible. better example is jake he FULLY has one example being the robot bunny he made he just literally doesnt fucking know how to utilize it. man would aim a gun at a metal robot who hes fought for years and say "haha this will work!"

see the thing is. dirk uses his braincell to put himself into bad situations, which is inherently not using the braincell in of itself. technically? incredible use of the braincell, goddamn. morally? you are a FUCKING DUMBASS

jake has the POTENTIAL to use the braincell like its right there. with just a little commitment and time and effort he could be so fucking smart. but hes just. he just kind of ignores that and avoids it and so he HAS the braincell but he doesnt know how to use it.

jane fully has the braincell and usually uses it well and knows how to do so but uh. she can lose herself at times. usually quite uncommon. occasionally she will just straight up forget the answer to 10 + 10. these are few and far between however

roxy. roxy HAS braincells. theyre there. but theyre in a constant fluctuating state so neither she nor anyone else knows if theyre going to be working or not. HOWEVER, when they are, she knows how to use them and goddamn does she use them well

john? yeah no everything is just breeze and wind up there he doesnt have it. sorry john

rose TECHNICALLY has a braincell and HYPOTHETICALLY she knows how to use it. she likes to THINK that she uses it. technically? she has one, as in she sure can use it to be smart and verbose and know things. morally? fuck if she knows and fuck if anyone else does

dave DOES have a braincell and he KNOWS how to use it like the guy is smart. HOWEVER. he deliberately CHOOSES to actively ignore his smarts like if he just used the braincell for a little bit he'd know a lot of shit but like its like he just ignores that both the braincell and the knowledge on how to use it is there altogether

jade? shes the smartest. please go to her she is literally one of the most knowledgeable people here shes trustworthy

honorable mentions:

kanaya has the braincell but only in Certain Cases. you go to kanaya for certain things Only and it's up to you to figure that out

karkat? karkat has half a braincell. if you can trudge through all the shouty shit theres a half baked plan there but it's also a really Stupid half baked plan. like hes trying but. only makes it halfway

terezi? terezi doesnt seem like she has the braincell. shawty eats chalk and licks anything and everything. but she DEFINITELY HAS a braincell and uses it when she NEEDS to (like when she told john to fix the fuckin timeline.) Rezis braincell use is a SURPRISE but not an unwelcome one

(with terezi LIKE DAVE she has one and fully knows how to use it. however unlike dave instead of like deliberately avoiding using her braincell she lures people into a false sense of security by pretending she doesnt have one)

vraska has a braincell. it's there. but does she use it? thats truly the question. it's kinda a dirk situation where she has a braincell bu#t uses it stupidly. like. shes trying her best, a villain clad in blue clothes, but also. shawty what

all via mod rox

aradia may be our first case of fully knows how to use a braincell but doesnt exactly. have one? at least its not always present. she is just fuck ar0und and find 0ut :) like charcoal said. it is in the back of her mind only

sollux has a braincell and knows how to use it and fully does not want to. he just does not want to deal with it. sollux? sollux has 2 braincells same as roxy. it's his thing. UNLIKE roxy however solluxs braincells are constantly firing. he is not smart tho. they're firing but he's also like dave where he IGNORES it

solluxs braincell situation is so complex and he does not want to understand it. rose looks at him like :iamlooking: i want to psychoanalyse you. however he just wants to fuckign lay on the couch and zone out for 12 hours is that so much to ask

MOD ROX ADDITION: gamzee is no thoughts head empty however sober gamzee is FLOODED with braincells and that's why hes angry ok gnight

[kelvintimeline]

Sorry for this dumbass question, but I'm more of a Marvel TV gal, and have only payed attention to Black Panther basically lmao so I was kinda wondering what's up with the Tony hate? Is it because he's a man that literally profited from terrorism and wars and is an Ayn Rand wet dream? Because if it's cuz of that, then yeah, I agree/get it. But I was wondering if he did something else, just to know. Thanks, boo!

I mean it’s mostly that on like the moral ground but I think there’s also an element of the fact that having him as the face of Marvel just... doesn’t work? I think the additional context is the fact that Tony Stark manages to butt into almost every other movie--he took over the last Captain America movie, making it about him and not Steve, he took over a significant chunk of Spiderman, every avengers’ film is about HIS emotional arc--and it just feels like I’m being forcefed a character archetype that’s just insulting at this point.

Even if we ignore the “literal war profiteer” element, having “Super smart asshole is allowed to be a fucking asshole because he’s super smart about geek shit” as the narrative intruding on every fucking movie is fucking annoying. “Rich man taken down by his own hubris, drags everyone else down with him, and then comes out relatively unscathed” isn’t what a lot of people can handle right now because real men like that irl are the villains. Flat out, they’re the villains. Centering him as some sort of moral heart and empathetic character because he has characters we like surrounding him (Pepper and Rhodey in his own films, all the other avengers in the films he takes over) is wasteful.

Almost every character in the franchise is more likable and sympathetic in this film. A significant portion of the characters in the franchise are sympathy-worthy because of what he did to them (like his weapons were use to kill Pietro/Wanda’s parents).

So, while I could make a laundry list of every awful thing Tony has done (the “I Didn’t know my weapons... killed people!!” shit, the building an AI that killed innocent people despite being told not to, imprisoning his friends, teaming up with Ross who fucked over Bruce, trying to murder a POW), that’s... not the point.

The point is Tony is a very, very privileged character. Worse than that, he is privileged AND entitled. He’s entitled to the emotional moments, he’s entitled to his guilt trumping over everyone else’s autonomy, he’s entitled to spend his wealth on whatever he wants, he’s entitled to demean women, he’s entitled to recruiting he wants even actual children, he’s entitled to forgiveness.

Most of the people who hate Tony have a Tony in their life. Someone who has everything and still manages to want more. Someone who makes you feel like shit because they know more than you on some arbitrary topic. Someone who finds a way to fuck you over just because they don’t want to be miserable by themselves.

There is just nothing redeeming about him. Every good trait about Tony is something someone else in the franchise does better without doing half the evil shit he does. Even at his blandest, least offensive moments... theres nothing that ever makes caring about him worth it.

And having him shoved into every movie makes you resent the fact that he’s wasting the time you could have with someone better.

Beyond his actual bad deeds, he’s just not a likeable character. Not when in real life people like him are always, ALWAYS the villains in the lives of everyone they touch.

[anti-dennor]

masterpost on why mod norway hates den//nor a lot without mentioning kin stuff or specific ships that are better

disclaimer: this post isn’t to start an argument, the only reason I’m making it is to organize my thoughts about den//nor because @ adhd wyd. 

This is okay to reblog, but I will ignore any and all reblogs adding on things about how I’m wrong. This is based off a mix of opinion, canon and scientific evidence about attraction, and I really, really, don’t want to argue about den//nor, especially with people who ship it. So really, for the sake of my mental health and your time, don’t bother arguing with my stubborn ass. I’m not going to change my stance on this and there’s nothing you can say to change that.

contents: yaoi / it’d be unhealthy (for both of them) / the actual shippers / dynamic

yaoi.

I’m not saying I dislike gay ships, no. I live for gay ships, I’m a gay male, I love mlm ships. Big comfort material. I dislike yaoi, gay ships are fine and dandy. Yaoi is gross.

Yaoi (”Also called BL (Boy’s Love) and Shounen Ai, yaoi is a genre of manga that fetishizes m/m relationships and relies on homophobic stereotypes for plot and character devices.”), and fujioshis.

“In most yaoi mangas, there is one agressive masculine man who preys upon an usually much younger, submissive feminine man. It strengthens the homophobic myth of gay men being predators and pedophiles.”

Doesn’t that sound a lot how the fandom portrays Denmark and Norway? Denmark is canonically the same height as Norway (Well, Norway is like an inch shorter at most), and the two have about the same body shape. Yet what do y’all fujioshis do? Draw Norway as some femme boy that’s like a foot shorter than Denmark.

“It also relies on heteronormative stereotypes, where there are always strict uke/seme roles in bed, as well as a feminine caring and a masculine powerful dynamic in the relationship outside of the bed.  “

Again, what do y’all do? Make Norway super femme and oh so much smarter than Denmark, making Denmark the unhealthily powerful one -- Bringing me to my next point;

it’d be unhealthy (for both of them).

“They have known each other since childhood, but while Denmark considers the two of them to be like best friends and believes that Norway thinks the same way he does, he is unaware of Norway's blunt teasing.[7] Norway frequently refers to him as anko[12], a term Himaruya has described as having a nuance like older brother or oniichan, the familiar form of big brother, and having a classmate-like feeling.[13]”

“Main article: Norway

Norway is a childhood friend of Denmark's, who he feels rather close to and strongly about, believing that Norway sees him the same way as a "best friend." “

(source: Norways wiki & Denmarks wiki)

Since I’m not sure how to word it; lets take my parents for example; they’d been dating since they were 15 (fifteen) until they were like 23-24. My mom used to go over to his house every. single. day. because she felt more at home there than at her own home. They never argued, they were like a perfect relationship almost. Why they broke up? My mom, and I quote, “saw him more like a brother than a lover.” Which is a completely justified reason to break up! My parents have the same relationship as siblings. Now, if my parents felt like siblings after 8 years of growing up together; imagine the bond that Denmark and Norway have.

They grew up together for thousands of years! Meaning they’d be much, much closer than my parents were. So maybe they could’ve dated at some point in their history, but I can see them doing the same thing my parents did; break up because they felt like siblings/being best friends would be better. Plus, you don’t call your lover “brother”, even if you’re not actually related or don’t mean it as sibling-way especially if you have other, blood-related, siblings.

Why would a relationship be unhealthy for the both of them?

Because if they feel like brothers, then you get the same unhealthy benefits of actual incest from the Westermarck effect, “a hypothetical psychological effect through which people who live in close domestic proximity during the first few years of their lives become desensitized to sexual attraction.” Which, guess what, Denmark and Norway have known each other since childhood, 

Fujioshis turning the shp into yaoi + the westermarck effect; what do we have?

If you put the two into a relationship you’re implying that one of them is unconsciously forcing themselves onto the other. Or just, y’know, people straight up writing something like Danish Slaughter House - a fanfiction where Denmark straight up rapes and kills all the Nordics.

And speaking of Danish Slaughter House, let’s move on to the next point;

the actual shippers.

I don’t even know where to start with this one. I guess I’ll start with shamchat, a great site, I spend a lot of time there - as one of my biggest hobbies in the past few years is roleplaying. I have almost 2 years of experience with writing Norway. The thing is, when I come across Denmarks on the site it almost always, if theyre a Dennor shipper, starts off as something like:

Best friends hanging out -> Denmark asks Norway to do something with him -> Norway is busy -> Denmark gets sad -> Norway tries to make him feel better -> Denmark confesses feelings.

what? and then Norway will tell Denmark that he sees him as a brother or just doesn’t feel the same, and then there’s a long range of reactions I’ve gotten from Denmarks with this, some of the worst including being harassed ooc for not shipping it, being guilted ooc for not shipping it (@ my RSD, someone telling me that they’re crying because I don’t ship something just. x20 as bad as neurotypicals), Denmark trying to force himself onto Norway sexually, and there was actually one where they had Denmark threaten to kill whoever Norway had feelings for.

For fucks sake! Once I was on as FtM!Caught Binding!Norway because I was feeling incredibly dysphoric, and I had a Denmark threaten to out Norway to the other Nordics, while Norway was begging him not to, and when he finally agreed not to  - which took actually making Norway (and me for that matter, since I have really big emotional ties with Norway) cry - he immediately jumps to a confession, which Norway sorta tells him off because what makes anyone think after threatening to out someone as trans they’re gonna accept a uwu love confession uwu uwu, which in turn upset Denmark and the entire rp turns to them - Norway trying to make him feel better, telling him that he’s his brother and always will be, etc. Making the biggest effort to make him feel better, but no instead he runs away to his bedroom, locks himself in his closet and tried to stab himself to death.

Most of these were done while I was on mobile, so unfortunately I don’t have saves to them.

Am I upset that you people portray Denmark horribly? Of course. My point isn’t the portrayals of Denmark here, though. Because the canon portrayal of Denmark is actually pretty fit for Norway, not going to lie, but my point is about how the shippers pull bullshit like this when someone doesn’t like their ship, which again ties into the homophobia of yaoi.

“Many mangas in this genre also have a plot centered around rape (the seme/top rapes the uke/bottom, then the uke realizes he actually loves the seme and allows the relationship to continue), abuse (physical, where the seme will hurt the uke, or emotional, where either part will threaten things as far as suicide if the other part dares to leave them), pedophilia (shota is a subgenre of yaoi in which boys as young as 5-6 will have sexual relationships with middle aged men). “

Most of these I’ve actually had to deal with personally aside from the pedophilia/shota bit, while I’ve never actually done an rp with someone as Shota!Denmark (I skip anyone who thinks shota is ok), I’ve seen them around, along with Shota!Norways.

I’m not going to start with the amount of Denmark’s on shamchat idealizing Norway in every way, shape and form.

dynamic.

Admittedly, Denmark is an almost ideal guy for Norway personality-wise, with how socially inept Norway is (Which Denmark can still be there for him if they’re friends), but for Denmark, Norway isn’t super suitable. The idea that Denmark needs someone to keep him in check is a little, how do I say it, wrong. Denmark is over 2000 years old, he’s smart enough to keep himself in check, while it would be nice for him to have someone to be there to tell him “You’re being too loud” and to give him a little help here and there, best friends can do that, can they not? As for a romantic partner, Denmark would probably be better matched with someone who doesn’t have trouble complimenting people or doing things solely to please him.

Denmark has his self image as a priority, and as shown by the above strips I’ve given, Norway isn’t the best to give him that. Norway is better at subtly doing things for people he cares for, not outright stating and cheering for him - which I did try to find the part of a strip where Denmark was imagining Norway and Iceland cheering for him (Or something like that), I couldn’t find it, but that one in specific emphasizes that a romantic relationship between Denmark and Norway wouldn’t quite work the same way their brothery relationship works.

Everyone teases and gets into arguments with their siblings, (Which Norway does tease & occasionally insult Denmark) and you always know that everything your sibling says to insult you isn’t serious, but even though Denmark “blatantly ignores offensive and aggressive social tones ”, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t pick up on them and he holds himself up too high for it to be a healthy relationship romantically if for either of them if Norway isn’t going to be positive, Norway is kinda negative and Denmark contrasts that greatly, but if Norway can’t give Denmark flattery and self esteem boosts straightforwardly, then Denmark won’t be happy in the relationship, which makes him less positive, making him less ideal for Norway. Whereas if they just stay as brothers, it’s easier for Denmark to just brush off any teasing or criticism Norway might have.

As for romantic relationships for Norway, I did say earlier that Norway needs someone who’s positive, good at social interaction, cheerful, friendly, etc. He also needs someone who easily picks up on the little things he does and isn’t extremely high-maintenance when it comes to needing flattery. Someone that Norway doesn’t have to be straightforward with. While we’re at it, I’ll also mention why someone who isn’t these things wouldn’t work, Norway needs someone positive and good at social interaction because he’s not these things, (He’s said it himself, he is painfully shy around strangers as he resolved to leave upon seeing them; yes I’m ignoring that he did all that speaking right after he said that, this is because I’m going off the it was only there for comedic purposes and doesn’t mean anything), and he needs someone cheery/friendly to contrast himself (I’m not saying he isn't friendly! He is quite that, but isn’t great at expressing it.), since a relationship between two characters who are really apathetic about a lot of things would just end in them thinking theyre apathetic abt each other. Picking up on little things + not needing to be straightforward with is kinda self explanatory after the stuff about Denmark.

Anyways, back on track. Kinda? Conclusion.

I do like the “quiet one & loud one”/”opposites attract”/similar tropes a lot, but when it comes to Denmark and Norway it doesn’t quite work out as well as others might. Especially with fandom misportrayals, it kinda ruins the pairing for me.

[one-shoop]

I just had basically a panic attack or whatever over my dad calling for dinner. Oh but who would guess being singled out by a scream "FLOOOOOF! COME EEEAT!" every freaking night and told "COME ON HONEY" and "DID YOU HEEEEAR?" "FLOOOOOF?" "FLOOOF? ANSWEEEER?" doesn't give me, the girl who's terrified of eating to the point where she skips meals almost everyday, panic attacks. Dear god i cant freaking eat dad, I CANT EAT BECAUSE IT TRIGGERS MY GODDAMN OCD. But nooooooo. Apparently nobody bothered to ask me my triggers or even do some research after my diagnosis. And forgive me lord if Im not enthusiastic about explaining it myself becase EVERY GODDAMN TIME I TOLD SOMEONE THEY FORCED ME TO DO IT ANYWAYS. Told me "but the food is gooood" and "come oon, you need to eeeeeat" like i stg i'm so fucking tired

Of people telling me for an hour and a half to come fuck myself over with triggers and panic all the way and not be able to eat and be ashamed of myself and feel weak and unable to do anything. Like Jesus guys IT TRIGGERS MY OCD. MEANING THAT I CANT FUCKING EAT PEACEFULLY. I SONT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK IF ITS GOOD OR NOT. ITLL SCARE ME TO FUCKING HELL.

And yeah, for supportive parents they sure are doing the fucking lords job right? After fucking up myself to ask fir help thar never vame and was always denied or stripped to its bare minimums then told to accept that as tje ultimate help, I finally ficking tet someone who validates me and gives me a diagnosis. Ans yoy funky get fuckjng told to your faces that FORCING KIDS TO FACE THEOR FEARS IS THE WORST THING FOR THEIR HEALTH. And MAYBE if you knew anything at fucking all you'd fucking realize that when I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR HELP OUT OF FEAR OF BEING SHAMED FOR IT, maybe is your fault???? And maune it impedes on mh recovery???? And maube i shouldn't be the only one to fucking take stepd to retake that???? Im all foe fu king getting the help I gucking need but for fucks sake cant any of you look like you can more for, I dunno, fucking parenting, other than whatever fycking meal you're having???? Is it roo kuch to ask to help me retake my right to asking for the hospital since its been mentioned at that same fucking meeting we talk about that I've tried asking for goddamn help and you said no????

Like you had a goddamn professional tell you that WHEN YOUR KIDS WANT HELP, YOU CANT DENY IT. And that by pretending that I jad to tough it up, you fucked me up way more. And thw most I got was a half assed sentence of "BUT IM PLACING ALL THE BLAME ON MYSELF, ITS UNHEALTHY" as fucking soon as the goddamn bells rang.

Like you had the nerve to ACXUSE ME of NOT asking for help and fucking NOT telling you anything. Ans believe it or not I STILL FUCLING THOUGHT THAT about a second ago. But honestly? WHY THE FUCK SHOULD ANULNE BE HONORABLY FORCED TO ASK FOR HELO THAT TJEU KNOW WILL NEGER VOME??? JUST SO YOU CAN SAY I WAS THE PERFECT VICTIM WHO STILL BELIEVED IN YOU???? BECAUSE AFTER ALL THIS CRAP, AFTER BEING TOLD THE TRUTH, THE FIRS TTHING IM TOLD WHEN WE GET OUT IS THAT I NEED "TO TRUST YOU MORE"? AND "TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEELINGS?" am I someone's fucking puppet here??? Do you just want ro ficking play with me until youre done?????

Like what the fuck???? YOU THOUGHT I "DID THE WRONG THING" BY NOR ASKING COR HELP. BUT YOU SONS OF DEMONS, YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN YOUR PHILOSOPHY WAS THAT FUCKED UP PIECE OF MENTALITY FROM THE GODDAMN FARK AGES THAT YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR KIDS TO FUCK OFF. OKAY??? YPU KNEW THAT ENOIGJ TO EXPLAIN IT IN BARF-INCUDING CLARITY HOW APPARENTLY ONE SINGLE GUCKING BOOK ON ANXIETY IN KDIS WAS ENOUGB TO RID YOU OF YOUR ENTIRE HUMAN BRAIN AND SUDDENLY IT DIDNT MATTER HOW MUCH WE CRIED AND BEGGED AND GELT ALONE AND NEEDED YOUR SHIR COMFORT, TOU DIDNT CARE???? WELL FUESS WHAT???? THE FIRS TTHING YOU TELL ME WHEN SHE SPEAKS, BLESS THWT DOCTIR, IS THAT I DONT EVEN ASK FOR HELP. and bless me I told them YO I ASKED FOR THE HOSPITAL AND YOU TOLD ME I WASNT SICK ENOUGH. AND YOU BOTH HAD THE GODDAMN MIND TO REFUTE IT. UNTIL MOM TOLD DAD TO STOP BEXAUSE "SHES RIGHT, ITS OUR FAULT, OUR BAD".

Like what the fuck??? Tou already knew that you wouldn't have given any help anyways??? Why the fuck am I even supposed to fucking ask??? Why did you EVER tell me to ask??? Was ir so you could feel fucking welcome??? So you could feel so fucking badass and awesome telling me the goddamn word of light exquisite and God Almighty in his tree in heaven that "FIND AOLUTIONS AND STOP CRYING"???? OR, NO, WAIT, EZCUSE ME, WAD I SUPLOSED TO COME SEE YOU SO YOU COULD PEP-TALK ME INTO FUCKING OFF FROM FEELINGS LAND AND "FIND SOLUTIONS"??? Did you want to feel like you gave me comfort without actually giving me some??????

Like what the fuck???????????? And -- why the FUCK foes it STILL appear smart tp tell me to fucking TELL YOU SHIT? GUYS I TOLD TOU MORE SHOT I WAS LEGALLY ONLIGATED TO. YOU CAME TO MEET MY THERAPISTS. YOU GOT THE BRIEFINGS WITH ME WHEN I INVITED YOU. YOU GOT TO SEE MY PSYCHIATRIST, AND MY DOSSIER, AND MY MEDS. I TOLD YOU I NEEDED A LISTENING EAR AND NOT AFVICE, I TOLD YOU I FELT SCARED SOMETIMES OF EATING, I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY OBSESSIONS, I ASKED YOU IF I COULD GO TO BE HOSPITALIXED BECASUE OCD GOT TOO BAD.

And you laughed at my fuccking obsessions. When i was a kid my biggest trigger was barfing, and bile. And guess fucking what? You fucking laughed around and invented the worst fucking single thing ever to say "fuck you get better" which was switching the goddamn syllables together and fuckinf singing it to me like it was fine now. Fucking laughing at me whenever ai had goddamn panic attacks. I diagnosed my own goddamn trigger at, what, ten? BUT I NEGER ASKED FOR HELP BECAUSE YOU FUCKINF LAUGHED AT ME EVERYTIME I CLOSED MY EYES AND MY EARS AND PANICKED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC. I WAS FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. I COULD NOT BEAR IT. AND WHEN YOU SAW A TERRIFIED CHILD, YOU SID NOTHING EXCEPT LAUGH AND SAY "there, now they're done with talking, tou can stop closing your ears now". YOU FUCLING NOTICED JN THE WORST WAY POSSUVLR. I REGRET SHOWING YOU THE FIRST ENTRY I MADE ON THIS. I WAS SO ASHAMED OF IT. I THOUGHT IT EAS WRONG. OR SHAMEFUL. AND -- GUESS WHAT? I THOUGHT IT WAS YNIQUE TO MEZ TOO. IT WA THE SINGLE MOSR SCARY TJING IN MY EXIDTENCE. MY CHEST BURNED AND SQUINTED AND I FELT JOT AND I CRIED AND VRIED AND BEGGED AND YELLED IN MY HEAD FOR PEOPLE TO STOP, IN THE BUS, AT SCHOOL, AT HOME. AND IF YOUD BEEN SLIGHTLY GIOD AT YOUR FUCKINF JOB I MOGHT HAVE TOLD YOU FUVKASSES. BHT NO. AND GUEDS WHAT? UNLESS WHST YOUVE FUCKING TOLD ME, BEING IN PAIN IS NOT ONLY VALID OR UNSHAMEFUL WHEN YOU ASK ADULRS WHAT TO DO. FOR HOW FUCLING LONG HACE I BEEN TOLD THAT PAIN DOESNT MATTER UNLESS AN ADULT IS ON THE CASE? HOW LONG HACE U WANRED SOMEWHRRE WHERE GODDAMN ADULTS DIDNT FUCK YOU OVER? DIDNT CONTR EVERY THOUGHT YOH HAD? WHERE SAYING "YOURE WRONG" ISNT AN INSULT? WJERE KIDS ARENT JUST DENIED A COICE BECAUSE THEYRE KIDS?

Ughhhhh.how many times should I get convinced that your help is worth crap? That searching for your goddamn advice and "comfort" is of any goddamn help? That what shit you give me is actually good enough?? What this it worth my time? That I should be looking at myself??? That i should be squinting and hating myself???? That I'm not worth saving??? That -- goddamnit. God fucking samn jt. Goddamnit im so done with all these excuses. I'm so fucking -- I wanted help, I wanted love, I wanted excuses and loce and light and fear and farkness and friends and family and I cant even talk anymore. I cant talk from myf eeljngs anu.kre. I have ti go on goddamn instinct because my goddamn vortex is fucked up. I realize I eas incpaable of having a mental nature by myself at 8. When I eas alone, I couldn't feel anything. I felt aimless, I just felt nothing. I couldnt bring myself to feel anything. I ducking mtocied that, and yes, tou noticed to, but your goddamn reaction was to tell me to get a life and stop obsessing about that friend I used to play with and just learn to do shit myself and do shit on my own. (Basically, to my own stupid ass brain, this trainwreck of a sentence means I was like a kid who needed autonomy from their parents and needed to learn their life was their own.) Bur yeah!!!! Whenever I was alone I didnt give a shit!!!! I felt aimless!!! Lost!!! Shitty!!!!! And when I first saw myself as a disgusting hump of crap I was 10, I wss running happily and sang a song about witches ans I saw myseld in my head and god I looked like garbage and I hated it. I hated what I looked like. I resented the idea that people had to see me. I thought, why do people even stay with me, I'm disgusting. I can never pinpoint the reason becauee yes, my brain is that fucked-up. Someday it will be back.

But seriously. Does anyone else have old stores from early teens where everyone kept fuclibg Escalon without telling their parents?where kids didnt go home? Where the bes tthi g ws just leaving forever? Anyone think the second arc of Warriors was the bestBEXAUE THEY LEAVE and you KNOW they'll leave and you KNOW things are always better and sorry Leafpaw bur I hated tour arc like goddamn shit itself because SCREW THE CLANS, I hate them and I wanted ro leave anywhere that ft like home.

What do kids feel about their homes? Do fhey ever wish they moved? Do they ever seriously ask themselves why the fuck anyone would want to live here? Do they find it unnapealing? Are you supposed go be HAPPY to come home after a trip? Are you supposed to feel completely shitty from coming back, like a failure? Like you weren't supposed to come back, you were supposed to stay awau forever?

Did any kids have zero track of time? Did any kids watch old videos from babytime and realize that there's just something fucking terrifying about it without knowing fucking why?

I saw a kid watch a video on repeat of her dad doing something random like, an old baby recording from when the kud was running in the hallway and he caught her. She watched it on repeat for so, so long , until her phone stopped working I think. And i Remember being touched in a way I neger knew possible, and telling myself from the top of my ripe old 13th year, well thars not something ive ever done or wanted to do. I remember going, why the fuck would you do that? Aren't you happy hes gone? Aren't you happy to be gone?

I remember being straight terrified of my paternal grandmother at 5 only to realize yeara later that she used to be violent and terribly abusive to everyone. I remember being terrified of my aunt's husband, and feeling something undescribable that felt lile a stabbing wound in my aunt's eyes, until I finally learned that he used to beat her. I remembwr hating Éric Salvail for some reason and being really u comfortable around him until BAM, guess who was a goddamn creep and sexual harrassment pro? This guy. I remember so many fucking things that made me uncomfortable and it turned out to be right, about people at least.

But I remember hating my own picture for as long as I can remember. My face unsettles me. I never fully write why, or go to the end of my thoughts. I have problems, I know. I hope knowing what they are will help.