#i fucking hate my routines and plans being disrupted

[lovelykhaleesiii]

Flaws & Strengths

PAIRING: Arvin Russell x fem!Reader

Words: 1.1k 

Summary [requested by - @anonymousreader101x ]: “ooo could i request an arvin x reader where they’re both in school and she wears a short dress with low cleavage and he gets all possessive and jealous and puts his hoodie on her to keep her covered and it keeps undoing so he keeps zipping it up through the day and then someone touches her and he fucks the up for her”

Warnings: swearing, violence, angst, (***) time jumps

Your relationship with Arvin was a blessing, he was everything you could have hoped for. He was your dream boy. You knew that Arvin was definitely serious about you, sparking the conversation about his plans and hopes for the future he envisioned with you. 

“Let’s get through school first, and then we can worry about these things Arv.”

“God Y/N, we should just leave now. I can get a job working in construction. Get a headstart while we’re still young-” 

“Arvin, sweetie, in due time. You try talking to my father about leaving school and tell me how that goes-” You playfully wink, pulling his denim jacket towards you, as you advance for a quick kiss.

“Hmm, I just hate this place. School was never for me, you know that. No point wasting my time when I can be useful out there... And I hate these sons of bitches-” The irritation in his voice perceptible, as he eyed out the same group of boys that would taunt and tease Lenora. 

“Just a few more years Arv, and I promise you, life will be good. Now let’s get to class.” 

***

Class as usual, was routine. As you’d be paying attention to the lesson ahead, Arvin was always preoccupied elsewhere, it became a habit that his time spent in class was to be enthralled by you, occasionally disrupted from his day dreams by the teacher or even yourself, if you’d catch him. 

Although today, seemed to pose a bit more of a challenge. As Arvin was closely surveying your body, his eyes scanning your every inch he’d realised the details of your outfit, and how conspicuous your body stood out this time around. Your dress seemed a little shorter than what you’d normally wear to school. This violet dress was one he’d never seen you wear before, nor did he know of its existence prior. As you innocently sat writing notes, one leg crossed gracefully over the other, the short length of it tried its best to cover your tender thighs. The subtle exposure of your cleavage now come to his attention as you’d removed your sweater prior to the lesson beginning, as you would occasionally lean over, he found himself feeling more flustered than usual, to a point where he needed to shift himself in his seat, in an attempt to readjust himself to a more comfortable position. The excitement of being with you, the images of him taking you there and then like a wild man, uncontrollable and overtaken by lust, hungry for you, shocked him. Desperately trying to distract himself from you, looking around the class for anything that would stop the excitement and his urges, he noticed he wasn’t the only one that seemed distracted by you. 

Now he was pissed. His mood had immediately changed in a heartbeat, as he noticed the hungry eyes of a boy, Johnny, lurking over you the same way he had. One thing you found about Arvin was that there was no limit to his possessiveness. 

He knew how these boys thought and acted, especially after the ordeal Lenora had endured. All the stories he’d disclosed with you about Lenora, it distressed him and although Lenora was his younger sister, with you, his love, it was different. 

Instinctively, he “accidentally” dropped his pencil towards your direction, kneeling himself over as he slowly reached down to retrieve it, he leaned closely by your side, urging you to put your sweater back on. Catching you off guard, you thought you’d misheard him, as you smiled down towards him. 

Glimpsing his stern eyes, it had nudged you to see Arvin was triggered. This time repeating himself, it felt more like a command, and you felt best to not question him now. 

***

“What was that about Arv?” You hastily rush after him, tugging his sleeve as you pull him towards the side of the class’ entry. 

“That motherfucker, I’m gonna kill him-” 

The sudden decline in Arv’s mood had shocked you. It wasn’t so much now how upset and furious Arvin could get, he was entitled to feel how he felt. Although it was a matter of how quick things could trigger him, his demeanour would turn inside out and you’d have no way of preventing it. 

“Hold on, now! What’s going on, Arv you need to speak.”

“It’s you, Y/N, you a-and that fucking dress. Why’d you have to wear that here in a place like this, with these assholes around? You know how hopeless these fuckers are.” 

You noticed this habit of his, where his fists would open and close as he clenched in frustration, pacing his emotions. His veins more visible from the sudden rush of blood coursing through as his adrenaline rose. You also realised, that during these heated moments, Arvin couldn’t nor wouldn’t even maintain eye contact with you, instead eyeing the members of your class exiting the room, as they dispersed themselves in different directions, going on with their day. 

“Hey-”

You whispered, as you slowly reached down, grabbing his hands in yours, as your thumb softly caressed his skin. 

“I don’t care what they do, Arv, and it shouldn’t matter to you either. I wear what I want not for them. Hey-” 

Your free hand had reached up, pulling his face to look directly at yours, as he still resisted from looking, he now had your full attention.

“Arvin, you need to let these things go, don’t let it get to your head. It doesn’t matter.” 

Pressing his lips in frustration, he seemed less tense, as he nodded in agreement to your words. You’d made him promise not to react or cause any scene during the day, before planting a sweet kiss on his cheek, going separate ways to your classes. 

***

“Holy shit! There’s a fight going on outside the field!” 

As you’d mindlessly drifted off in class, unable to concentrate after the little incident with Arvin, fiddling with the pencil in your hand, your head turned towards the windows overlooking the field. 

As the entire class, including the teacher had rushed themselves towards the windows, observing the scene unfolding before them, it took you just a few seconds before noticing two boys tussling on the ground, as the crowd barricading them opened up as the P.E teacher tried desperately to intervene. 

“It’s Johnny-”

“And I think that’s Arvin on top of him.”

“Jesus, he’s beating the shit out of him-”

“Language!” The teacher exclaimed, before attempting to resume class, as he pulled down the blinds. 

The image before you, Arvin on top of the boy, whom you now knew was the culprit of this ordeal. 

You should’ve known better, than to let Arvin off the hook so easily. As much as you opposed it, he was no stranger to violence unfortunately. 

Fighting was something he was taught since he was young, never to back down easily, nor to be taken advantaged of. 

Either way, you loved him. A flaw or a strength, Arvin was one of a kind, and you knew he’d have your back no matter the odds. 

[believeitseeitdoit]

Legos and Language

Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: All bets are off when it comes to a Lego mishap in the Rogers-Barnes home 

Rating: Y'all shouldn’t be reading the filthy things if youre under 18 anyways but this one is pretty PG (but language is the exception)

Warnings: Domestic stucky, suggested and slight smutty times, 90% fluffy, some foul language, talk of murder and destruction of legos forever, feel good shit, Steve, Bucky and their girl have babies

don’t steal my little munchkin oc names please, I like them 

This is written from each lover’s POV, marked by ******** this 

This is a work of love and hated of legos, solely to be read for a smile and maybe some happiness, be kind or go away

        “Sonofabitch!” Your hushed curse rattles through the house as you stomp barefoot through your son’s pile of a semi built lego creation. With a few breathy “fuck’s,'' you hop over to the nearest chair to rub the new soreness out. Sharp indentations litter the underside of your arch, and you peel off a flat piece from your toe then mentally plot unmonitored use of the quantum realm to murder the creator of legos before they can cause any harm to you again.

       Continuing your muttering, you delicately set your foot down and turn to the mess. You sigh in relief that you didn’t destroy any of the built chunk, you were only subjected to the ultimate test of parenthood, the loose pieces.

     “Back to our regularly scheduled morning, coffee.” You say to the empty room, narrating your routine as if you were running a sitcom. Once in the kitchen, you set about making a hefty pot of coffee for you and your husbands, humming an 80s rock tune and letting your open robe swish around you loosely in the process.

********

      They both notice you slide out of bed, a super spy and a retired Avenger don’t miss much in their own home. But rather than follow you down to the kitchen to disrupt your morning ritual, Steve pulls his husband against him and nuzzles his hair so they could get some quiet time of their own. A few moments later, Bucky is softly snoring against Steve’s arm, and Steve is on the brink of sleep when he hears a barely audible string of curses and the unbalanced thunking of feet along the hardwood. Bucky seems undeterred, so Steve leaves him be and slips out of the bed to investigate what caused the early use of language, not that he’s surprised considering their wife’s colorful vocabulary when the kids aren’t listening.

       Pulling his discarded boxers back on from the night before, Steve saunters out of the master suite silently toward the staircase. He pokes his head into the nursery to check on the sleeping infant twins, and heads down the old hardwood steps, praying for them not to creak with every step. Halfway down the stairs, he hears you filling the coffee pot under the tap and the chorus to a White Snake ballad quietly playing from the speakers while you hum along. With a smile and a small head bob as he catches the tune, Steve steps across the threshold of the stairs toward the living room and kitchen, unaware of the torture devices scattered on the floor.

      Steve intends to follow the wall to get to the kitchen without his presence known, until you hear a series of words that would make Tony blush and an unfortunate crunching sound of your son’s creation being smashed to bits.

     “SONOFAFUCKINGMONKEYSASSHOLE WHAT THE FUCKING DICK ON A STICK GOD DAMN PIECE OF TORTUROUS BULLSHIT IS THIS?!!” He yelps loudly and tries to hop over the new graveyard of legos.

     In his fresh misery, he misses you quickly dropping the coffee grounds onto the counter top and hustling toward him to make sure his verbatim doesn’t wake the twins. As you begin shushing him from a few steps away, Steve hobbles blindly toward your voice and you see it happen before you can say anything. Your big clutz of a husband smashes his un-assaulted foot through your son’s Legos, only this time Captain America is not the star spangled man with a plan. He has absolutely destroyed the near complete firetruck and you can only stand in awe at his ability to hit each remaining chunk of the build before he finally makes it to the couch.

     “Fuck fuck fuck fuck, why the fucking legos? FUCK!” His wailing is not going to gain any sympathies from you, only entertainment at the weaknesses of men.

     “Steven Grant, you shut the hell up before you wake my babies or I WILL send Bucky to the store and you can have twin duty alone.” Sitting down at his feet to pull the pieces off his skin, you scold him lightly but without any venom or intention. He hisses as you pull the flat plastic off his big toe, and you chuckle as his pathetic whimpers cease.

     “So, coffee?” You stand and pull him up with you toward the kitchen, letting his calloused hands and leftover cologne embrace you like a blanket as he leans down to caress your cheek. He kisses your forehead and softly brushes hair behind your ear with one hand while the other grips your plush hip under the loose robe.

     “Maybe something sweeter to distract me first? This robe is teasing me.” His lips ghost down your neck and he nips at your collarbone while pulling the thin silk off your shoulders.

     “You kept me up late, baby. I need coffee before anything today.” You whisper breathily against his tanned, thick chest, whimpering and shivering as you feel him trace the marks littering your skin and gently squeezing the flesh he is so obsessed with.

     He allows you to pull away only after you shudder again, but he stands behind you, hands locked onto your hips as you pour the bitter amber liquid into 3 mugs. Steve’s love bites on your neck keep you distracted long enough for Bucky to come down the stairs without being noticed.

     “I thought we agreed there was no third wheeling in this family, and yet here we are.” Your bonus husband is perched against the refrigerator offering your favorite coffee creamer and his signature pout.

******

     Bucky is roused by his husband rolling out of bed and the accompanying coolness that surrounds him as the sheets flutter back down against the mattress. He listens to Steve pad lightly down the hall to check in on the kids, Hudson in his room first, then Charlotte and Talia in the nursery.  As the footsteps recede down the stairwell, Bucky lets his body sink into the bed and the scents of his partners surround him and lull him back to sleep.

     Until he hears a string of words leave his husband’s mouth, and a series of crunches and shattering sounds buried under more very inappropriate words. Now wide awake, Bucky shoves himself from bed and puts a loose sweatshirt over his head while he walks toward the stairs. He is halted by a whimper from one of his little twins in the nursery, but his ever present super senses note that both babes are still firmly asleep so he continues down the steps.

       Not sure of the state of things on the main floor, Bucky alertly scopes the space and finds their son’s legos strewn about the floor. With a sigh, Bucky steps around them and shakes his head as he follows the sounds of his husband and wife to the kitchen. He is met with tangled hair and soft pants, an open robed woman more stunning than Aphrodite, and a man barely containing his impressive erection in his low hanging boxers. Bucky can feel the energy in the room, can practically taste the arousal on them, and his subconscious stirs awake, begging to join like a wolf waiting for the hunt.

*******

      “And who plans on fixing our son’s firetruck creation? Because it sure as hell won’t be me, I will be taking care of our little girls where I am wanted.”

     Steve is the first to respond, an arm opens toward Bucky in the same moment. “Honey we didn’t mean to leave you out, c’mon over here let us show you how much better it is with you.” 

      As Bucky steps into Steve’s reach, you push off the counter and into the thick warmth of your husbands. Their desire envelops you as kisses are peppered on skin and fingers prod at bits of flesh for a better grip on reality. The moment is nearly bursting with love and lust, blinding both man’s super senses of their incoming visitor.

        “Who da hell bwoke my WEGOS!!!!????? MOMMYYYYY!” Hudson screeches from the bottom of the stairs and you’re running for him in an instant.

        “Hudson Anthony! You do not speak like that. You know better young man.” Steve and Bucky hiss at the use of their boy’s middle name, knowing how he feels in both respects.

       “Baby boy, I’m so sorry about the Legos, but you cannot use that language. No naughty words right?” You hate scolding him when you completely understand his frustrations, but heavens forbid he say any of that in public, the boy would be shamed and sent to his principal so fast even the Daily Bugle couldn’t catch it first. 

      Hudson sniffles and rubs his nose, trying to fight off tears of frustration in front of his daddy and papa, but quickly fails.

“But, is bwoken mommy. I woked so hawd on it! Wuh happened?” He begins wailing and stuttering breaths, and you pull him into your arms to hug and comfort him gently.

       “Shh, handsome, it was an accident. See, they were left too close to the stairs and mommy stepped on some, then daddy heard her yelp and ran through them too. Papa moved them out of the way and reminded daddy that he needs to help fix it with you baby.” You bounce him on your hip, trying to push the sadness away like you did when he was a small tike.

       Bucky and Steve step closer, each wrapping an arm around you and Hudson to initiate a bear hug. Hudson whimpers a bit longer then picks his head up from your shoulder and leans toward Steve, signaling he wants his daddy to hold him next. Steve pulls him close and whispers apologies only audible to his boy, but you and Bucky smile knowingly. They head to the far corner of the couch where they can have a quiet cuddle and talk about how Hudson can teach his daddy to rebuild the LEGO vehicle. 

      You lean against Bucky, enjoying the moment until he turns to the stairs.

       “Time for round 2 with some sleepy babies?” You tie your robe closed and head up the walk way, stubbing your toe on the first step.

       “Mother fu—dge on toast that was unpleasant.” You yelp and grip tightly onto Bucky’s vibranium arm. He chuckles and scoops you into his arms, carrying you up the remaining steps.

     “Careful, I don’t want to use your middle name today too darling.” He winks, setting you down at the doorway of the nursery. With a huff, you begin fluttering about the room, softly waking your girls and beginning their morning routine.

    “My sweet little Charlotte Ann, and my lovely Natalia Rose, you two are the most precious angels in this world. But for the love of all things holy, no Legos when you’re older ok?”

Tagging those who may appreciate this or can give me a helpful bit of advice on my writing : @bxccxdxll​ @iraot​ @sagechanoafterdark​ @tuiccim​  @thebescht​ @makbarnes​

[ilovesmosh55]

copy pasting my Min autism headcanon proof doc from when I first watched book 4 and went insane. Because I was right

Need for familiarity/routine/plans:

The Twin Tapes: shown to have a very set daily routine revolving around work and college applications before Ryan comes back. Gets angry when Ryan disrupts it and tries to get him to run away to New York.

The Iceberg Car: upset by the fact that he cannot remove the boots given to him by the train, comments that he wants his sneakers back.

The Party Car: after being overwhelmed, Min chooses to hide and calm down in the bathroom rather than the much cleaner green room. When asked why by Ryan, he explains that it reminds him of home. Additionally, he is so eager to change into his own clothes that he does so almost immediately after getting them back (albeit he does so offscreen). He was clearly uncomfortable changing near a crowd and remarks afterwards “there was a bathroom to get changed in this whole time?!”

The Pig Baby Car: Min gets frustrated with Ryan multiple times for rushing and not planning out what he does before he does it. He is shown multiple times throughout the series to dislike spontaneity in similar ways.

Need to correct others:

The Twin Tapes: interrupts to correct Ryan about what booth they used to sit in in middle school (notable also is his lack of thought about how that could impact Ryan emotionally)

The Pig Baby Car: says “I told you” to Ryan after being proven right about Pig Baby hating the cookbook provided.

The Art Gallery Car: Min corrects Ryan about how Lion Tamer actually sounds. Also corrects him about the maple trees in one painting.

Lack of emotional intelligence:

The Pig Baby Car: after coming to the conclusion that the number is Ryan’s he says “you actually took your time with something for once!” (Which you know. Sounds pretty insulting.) when Ryan apologizes for getting them on the train, instead of comforting him he says “I forgive you” and “you can’t help it if you have a lot to learn”.

The Astro Queue Car: while a lot of his condescension to Ryan here does seem intentional (he even acknowledges that Ryan might think he’s trying to be mean) a lot of it comes from a place of thinking he’s being helpful, as well as it resulting from his black and white view of whose number they have. When he is intentionally mean and angry, it’s because he sees what Ryan does as intentional defiance of him and his rules. Once he’s proven wrong, he tries (but fails) to apologize and is clearly shaken.

The Castle Car: tries to console Kez by saying “you’re basically good, you just need to get better at it!” Great fucking commentary pal!

Black and white thinking (especially regarding rules and instructions):

The Pig Baby Car: Min has a black and white view on numbers, thinking that he and Ryan’s must only belong to/be affected by one of them. When he comes to the (incorrect) conclusion that the number is Ryan’s he seems relieved and resigns himself to “helping” Ryan get it down. Additionally, Min tries strictly to follow what he believes the “rules” of the car to be, insisting they cook and getting mad at Ryan for trying to break the rules (talk his way out of the car instead of cooking).

The Old West Car: gets angry at Ryan for breaking the “rules” and speaking out of turn in court.

The Astro Queue Car: Min becomes increasingly frustrated when Ryan doesn’t follow what he believes are the car’s “rules” (waiting in the line). He cannot grasp any other way to get into the party being possible, as they would break the “rules”. He literally fucking says “if you just do everything you’re supposed to do you’ll eventually end up where you need to be”.

Difficulty communicating emotions:

The Astro Queue Car: struggles to express emotions besides anger, and can’t bring himself to apologize to Ryan after realizing what he’s done.

The Mega Maze Car: legit takes him like 8 episodes to finally vocalize why he’s been upset with Ryan (because he feels like he can’t trust him).

Train To Nowhere: does not immediately comfort Ryan when he calls himself garbage (also a moment of lacking emotional intelligence). He has to leave and gather his thoughts before having a serious conversation with Ryan, and Ryan has to be the one who approaches him first.

Misc.:

Often seen shoving his hands in his pockets while walking (autism can cause irregular gait/arm positioning while walking).

High levels of stress/anxiety are more common for autistic people. And he is sooo anxious

Seems to have a special interest in music, has known how to play his mini synth since childhood and infodumps about his favorite album multiple times in the show.

A lot of his anger especially at the beginning of the season seems to stem from his routine/plan for life being interrupted.

Seldom reciprocates/initiates physical contact.

I’m pretty sure I remember him pacing while upset too but my head feels like it’s gonna split in half so I’ll rewatch and look for that later.

[fire-sauced]

“Don’t let this diagnosis change you.”

I am autistic. Wow. I know. But if feels so good now to say it. At 32 years old, I was finally given the diagnosis that brought so many years of mental confusion, anguish, suffering.. all of it full circle.

I’ve spent nearly four years in (consistent) therapy healing from cPTSD, anorexia, and the many symptoms that accompany them. No matter how hard I tried- there were some aspects of my personality, behavior, and perceptions that I could not find justifications for nor fit the ‘healing’ mold. Aspects I hid from my therapist(s) because those aspects didn’t fall in line with my mental illnesses and my god - couldn’t possibly be something untreatable. They couldn’t possibly be just who I am.

Masking (unknowingly to me) for so many years prevented me from asking the questions I needed to. I thought fuck, at some point in this healing these things will get better. At some point these things won’t be a struggle for me anymore. I just have to keep trying to change... right? But that point never came. I couldn’t change these things no matter how hard I tried. Frustration became a constant emotional state. Confusion became reality. Coping mechanisms became toxic. After many autistic breakdowns, one big burnout, and a stranger’s question - I was finally able to ask why. Why can’t I handle sudden changes in plans? Why are my routines so fundamental to me? Why do I hate surprises? Why do I become so easily distracted at any disruption to my routine, and then hyper focus to the point of exhaustion on that thing? Why do changes out of my control or without my knowledge piss me off for being irritated? Why do I notice and note any change, no matter how subtle? Why do I become obsessed to the point of perfection and eventually exhaustion with any new hobby or interest? Why do I feel when I’m communicating effectively do others still misinterpret what I’m expressing? Why do I misjudge the body language/facial expressions of others so often? Why is making eye contact so uncomfortable? Why do I panic when I see anyone I know in public and avoid them at all costs? Why do I truly dislike meeting new people? Why does it make my skin crawl when things aren’t put back in their homes I’ve spent too many hours finding? Why do I seek out patterns in everything: people, lengths, colors, words? Why have I talked to myself (but a different version of me) since I could first speak? Why am I highly sensitive to smells/scents and extremely triggered by certain ones to the point it’s physically painful? Why do I rehearse nearly every conversation I have from going through a checkout line to deeply intellectual intimate things and can’t focus or become mute when I haven’t had enough time to prepare? Why do I feel comfort when talking about things I’m interested in or can relate to while struggling to find enthusiasm to talk about anything that doesn’t spark curiosity? My god, why am I so fucked up still?

And these are only a handful of questions I could not find the answers to no matter how hard I tried to relate it to my other diagnosis. Answers I would never find until I questioned, “Why?” because these traits were not symptoms of mental illnesses. These traits are how my brain is wired. How I have to navigate through this world that isn’t kind to people who appear ‘normal��� or ‘high functioning’ because we aren’t nonverbal or stimming constantly. A world quick to attempt to find any fault they can vs. acceptance and compassion. A world especially dishearteningly skeptical of those diagnosed in adulthood. A world of people, myself included, whom are ignorant to how vast the NOT LINEAR spectrum is that need to stop stigmatizing autism and do the homework.

I looked for answers in astrology and found that my profile is cosmically an inconsistent cluster fuck that leads me to constantly be torn between three sign spectrums. Okay, that makes sense, but why can’t I recognize where I am at on any one of the three spectrums at any given time? My therapist embraced my curiosity, but reminded me not to try and rationalize the irrational.

I looked for answers in memory triggering to see if somehow I had repressed a majorly traumatic event that altered my brain significantly. I mean, something must have caused all this, right? Something made me be this way! My memories are accurately intact, and my therapist applauded seeking to care for that inner child, but we found out that little child I was trying to heal wasn’t me. My inner child remembers everything with unwavering clarity.

I even thought I was a narcissist at some point from others seeing my neurodivergence as selfish and uncaring. My therapist laughed and told me the fact that I questioned if I could be a narcissist proves in itself that I am not. Narcissistic people never wonder if they are because they believe they do no wrong. Okay, comforting, but why am I still so rigid in my control and things needing to be done ‘the right way?’

If I’ve found how to function with the cPTSD and I’ve found how to function with the anorexia, then what the fuck is going on that I can’t function, let alone try to heal, from these so seemingly trivial but profoundly life altering things? Why wasn’t I asking the questions I needed to find the answer I deserved. The answer that couldn’t possibly be autism because society has manipulated the mold convincing me I didn’t fit in. I don’t have all the “common” traits. I certainly don’t “look” autistic. There’s no way... is there?

Being an undiagnosed autistic child lead to years of emotional neglect and trauma. Emotionally I was both forced to ‘grow up at a young age’ and stunted from being taught what healthy relationships and boundaries look like. Naturally this trauma ignited cPTSD. The constant confusion and lack of control over my own reality/life manifested control over what I did or did not put into my body. Recipe for years upon years of mental collapses, relationship struggles, physical pain and sensitivity to neurological stimuli, and a deeply overwhelmingly smothering feeling of being unfit for this world. I won’t say having this diagnosis this late in life has been all sunshine and rainbows, but I will say it has answered some questions and provided me with a new outlook on my own life so I can be better to myself. I’m not broken. I’m not eternally destined for pain and confusion. I’m not any less of a person than anyone else. I’m autistic.

I won’t lie - I’m still wrapping my head around this- months after my diagnosis. It’s still hard to accept that this isn’t treatable. This isn’t going to lessen with time. This isn’t going to become more tolerable. This isn’t going to cease with more healing. This is my life. These things are like being born with brown hair, only one arm, attracted to the same gender, an extra chromosome. It’s how you’re made. How I was made. And now how I must reorganize my world to stop beating myself up for the things I can’t change. Now I need to accept myself for who I am. Now I need to embrace my neurodivergence and the traits that accompany it. Some may notice the acceptance as changes or say “Well, you didn’t seem to have a problem with that before,” or “Don’t let this diagnosis change you.” I will say bravely and unapologetically: “I’m the exact same person. I always had these traits, and I’m not going to be quiet suffering in silence anymore. Autistic people can be loud and should be especially loud when being gaslighted by the oh-so-blessed neurotypical people. Accept us for who we are or kindly fuck off.”

Thanks for coming to my World Autism Awareness Day tedTalk.

[tipsydipsydo]

➳ "On your knees, Bitch!"

➳ "Be a good girl and don't make a sound."

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader

Gender of the Reader: female

Word Count: 1k

Rating: 18+

Genre: Smut!

Warnings: Dirty Language + Dirty Talk; Jealousy; Insecurities; some vibes of Dom-/Sub-Themes; Misbehaviour (in Namjoon's point of view); Name-Calling; Petnames; Daddy-Kink; Commanding; Degradation; Punishment; Oral (m); Face-Fucking; Gagging; Choking; Deepthroat; Mentions of unprotected vaginal Sex (please stay safe!)

A/N: Sorry anonie that it tooks so damn long to write your ask! 😅💕 I hope you like it~

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Namjoon knows it's Summer and especially this week it's hot as fuck out there, the heat wave is nearly unbearable. But that's not an excuse for you to wear that specific white blouse with the deep cutout, with this black, lacey bralette under there. It literally shines in all his seductive details through the thin fabric of your linen shirt!

If not already this made Namjoon discontent about your outfit, then it's ultimately your very short pair of hot pants. And when Namjoon means 'very short', he speaks about really fucking super short!

The very bottom of your buttcheeks are on display for everyone to look at and it's freaking obviously how the twp of the youngest of the group are staring at you.

In the corner of his right eye he sees how Jimin runs his fingers through his hair and licks his lips, playing with all his sex-appeal to catch your attention. His pendant who is named Jungkook is standing on the left side of the room and chews on his lower lip, his Adam's apple is bobbing nervously.

Usually Namjoon is not someone who gets jealous, overprotective or even a bit posessive easily. Not at all! Honestly he dislikes such feelings and behaviours in general but especially towards womens. He hate the thought to get mad about something so stupid like your outfit. But he can't help himself, especially not today.

The whole day was awful beyond belief, nothing, really nothing worked out. In the morning, the track of the Rap Line should be "officially" finished. Well, he isn't finished and the cause of problem is Namjoon himself. There is this fucking one line in his part where his tongue begin to stumble and he's falling out of the flow, end up stuttering the rest of the verse. No matter how often he repeats the verse and train the combination of words, it didn't work.

As if that's not worse enough, the new dance choreography is the hell for Namjoon. He's always falling somewhere in the step routine out of the rythm and with it, always two seconds behind the others. It reached the point that Namjoon's self-confidence started to crumble piece for piece. He got more insecure about his abilities with every dance routine he messed up. And now, his super talented band members starts to flirt with his girlfriend in front of his eyes, giving her compliments for her "nice" outfit.

Something snaps in Namjoon.

"Y/N? Can I talk with you alone? Under four eyes?", he asks you in rather harsh, serious tone.

You're confused, nodding slowly. But Namjoon already grabbed your wrist and directs you to the door. In fast and powerful steps he drags you the hallway down until he stopped abruptly and pulls you into an empthy meeting room. After he closed and locked the door, he turns around to you.

"On your knees, Bitch!"

You almost choke on your own spit. What the heck is wrong with Namjoon to insult you with such words out of the blue?! You don't know anything you could have made wrong besides maybe coming a bit too early where the boys are still in training. But that's not an excuse, hell no, literally nothing is an exuse to be so disrespectful to someone!

"What the-", you want to start but your boyfriend cut you off.

"Kneel."

Namjoon's hard gaze shows you that he wouldn't appreciate a fight with you right now. After a second of processing his command, you close your mouth again.

It's really unusual for Namjoon to raise his voice against you and not being up for an clarifying discussion. Looks like he has his reasons for it.

Slowly you sink on your knees. Now you're on the same eye level with his crotch and his... half erected cock in his pants?

"Pull my sweats down and take care of the problem you've caused in this... okay, I'll be nice, in this questionable outfit. Especially when you know that Jimin and Jungkook are thirsty for you like two damn dogs in their rut.", he growls.

Aha, there is someone jealous. Namjoon hates the feeling of jealousy and this fact alone makes him even more angrier. Under this circumstances is his anger actually a little bit cute. You're feeling a lot more powerful than it may looks like for others. Why? Because you're the one who has to built Joonie's Ego up again.

With fast fingers you pull all this disruptive fabric down to his thigh and pumping him with a few strokes of your hand fully hard. Unsure what exactly he wants, if he just wants a Handjob and enjoying the feeling of power by the sight of your kneeling figure or if he really wants a blowjob, you look up to him with a little helpless eyes. Your look make him smirk.

"Take my fat cock down your throat until you're choking on him and tears streaming down your pretty face. I want to see you pretty make-up all messy and completey ruined by the tears of joy to gag on my thick crown. Is that clear?"

"Yes Daddy.", you answer obediently like the good girl you truly are.

It only takes ten minutes until he have you where he want to. Teary eyes, swollen lips, your spit is mixed with his precum and sticks uncomfortable to your chin while your mascara and eyeliner painted the tear streams down your cheeks dark. Your thorat is sore and swallowing hurts gradually. No joke, he really facefucked you without mercy.

Namjoon takes a deep breath to calm himself down, he didn't plan to cum on your tongue. He wants to fuck you. Surprisingly careful he pulls himself out of your mouth and grabbing your hand to help you up from your aching knees. The skin of his two palms meet gently your cheeks to give you a tender kiss.

"That's my precious and perfect little girl, taking and deepthroating Daddy's cock so well! Turn around and bend over the table. I'll fuck you hard and deep, shooting my creamy thick cum into your pussy and let it drip down your thighs. It'll soak so nicely through these disrespectful short pants while we're with the boys. Jimin and Jungkook should see that's my cum what's coming out of your tiny hole. But for that, you have to be a good girl and don't make a sound, yeah?", he wispers huskily from behind into your ear, grinding his hard cock so deliciously between your clothed asscheeks.

"Hm, yes... anything for Daddy."

"That's what I call my good girl."

[simplybakugou]

Forever with You

↝ It all started with his love for meat buns… now Kirishima reminisced on the time you first met to help him find the courage to propose to you.

BINGO SPACE: Engaged

⋆ PAIRING: prohero!kirishima x fem!reader ⋆ WARNINGS/TAGS: swearing; FLUFF (just a lot of cuteness :)) ⋆ WORD COUNT: 3021

A/N: here’s another bingo piece for the @bnhabookclub​ event! it was my first time writing for kirishima so please let me know what you think! thank you to @sugacookiies​ for requesting kiri for this prompt (love you xin!) credit to @eraserhead-transparents​ for kiri cap!

FULL BINGO MASTERLIST

✐posted 08.02.2020✐

“At least give me a hint?” You asked, peering up at Kirishima with hope laced in your eyes.

Kirishima shook his head as you both continued walking down the path. “Nope, no can do. You’ll just have to wait and see.”

You crossed your arms begrudgingly over your chest. “It’s not fair. What if you’re leading me to my death?”

Kirishima chuckled, putting his arm around your shoulders. “Come on! You know I’d never let anyone hurt you!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re Red Riot for a reason,” you said, wrapping your own arm around his waist as you leaned into him. That morning you woke up and got ready like you did every other morning only for your boyfriend disrupted your plans as he entered your apartment unannounced and whisked you away, claiming he had somewhere he wanted to take you. No matter the amount of questions you had for him, you followed him anyways and here you were, still walking down the street as he led you to wherever this mystery destination was.

“Alright, we’re here!” Kirishima exclaimed.

You rose a brow in confusion, dazily blinking at the sight before you. “What’s this?”

“What do you mean? It’s a park!” Kirishima said, stating the obvious. He walked over past the front gate of the park, sitting down on one of the wooden benches. He patted the space beside him and you sat down, still bewildered about why he had taken you there in the first place.

“Eiji, I’m still so confused,” you said after a few minutes as he just sat and watched the families playing in the area along with those who were working out and doing other physical activities.

“Do you know what this place used to be?” Kirishima asked, still looking off into the distance as he watched with a smile at the numerous kids running around and playing amongst each other.

You shrugged. The park was in Musutafu where you and Kirishima spent a good amount of your adolescence in back in your respective high schools. As time progressed you both strayed away from the city, pursuing your career and Kirishima becoming a pro hero. But since you and Kirishima were dating, you eventually moved back to Musutafu with him although you lived separate from one another for the time being.

“How could you not recognize this place? This is where your cafe used to be!” Kirishima said.

“Really? That was here?” You asked in astonishment. “It’s been so long since that place closed down I forgot where it was. And this whole place looks completely different.”

“Yeah, I passed by here a few days ago and that was when I realized.” Kirishima looked down with a smile on his face. “That cafe meant a lot to me… it’s where we first met.”

You grinned along with him. “Even though I hated that place sometimes at least that shithole gave me you.”

Kirishima laughed at your words, his nerves calming slightly thanks to you. He felt beads of sweat forming at the back of his neck and his forehead, taking his mind off the crucial task he wanted to fulfill in a matter of minutes as he listened to the sound your voice as your reminisced on the time you met the love of your life.

***

Back when Kirishima was in U.A., he would find himself stopping by a cafe which was on the way to his school that sold the best meat buns. In his first year he would go almost every afternoon after school just for one meat bun but sometime in his second year, he saw an unfamiliar face behind the counter. It was a girl who seemed to be around his age. She seemed laidback, conversing with customers when needed but overall was detached. Above all else, she was absolutely beautiful to the point where Kirishima nearly choked on his own breath at the sight of her.

Quite evidently that girl was you, a teenager who was helping her father run his cafe after school. Although you didn’t want to be there on most days, some customers made your experience worthwhile. 

And then there were some that made you feel absolutely enraged.

“Give me your number, I won’t hurt ya,” the sleazy man said as he continued to attempt to flirt with the young girl who was quite obviously uncomfortable with his harassing.

“Please leave me alone,” the girl said in a low voice, trying to evade eye contact with the creep.

“Come on, I know you want me,” the man said as he slid his disgusting hand towards the young girl’s bottom.

At that moment, Kirishima had walked into the shop after a long and productive day at school. He was ready to step in but was stopped by your voice as you tossed a used coffee filter at the man’s head. “She doesn’t wanna talk to you, you dumb fuck,” you spat in disgust.

The girl managed to get away in time, quickly thanking you as she sped out the door. The man, who was now covered in coffee grounds reached out to grab you from over the counter until Kirishima stepped forward and grabbed his wrist, forcefully bringing it down to his side. “Hey, man, why don’t you just leave before you make things worse for yourself?”

The man shoved Kirishima’s hold from his wrist as he stepped backwards, making his way out. He made sure to give you a piece of his mind, spilling out profane words from his mouth as he left. You simply rolled your eyes, flipping him off before turning to Kirishima. “Thanks for that. I deal with enough assholes like him so it’s nice to have some help.”

Kirishima chuckled. “No problem!”

Since that day, the bubbling feeling in Kirishima’s chest grew the more he saw you. From the first time he saw you, in which he was a bit hesitant to speak to you since the encounter with the sleaze, your conversations with Kirishima only expanded the more you saw him. You were assertive, a trait Kirishima admired, and weren’t afraid to speak your mind. But at the same time you were chill and Kirishima couldn’t help but blush everytime you knew his order by heart with a wide grin on your face.

For the rest of his time at U.A. High, Kirishima continued this routine of visiting the cafe initially for its meat buns but in reality he was satisfied everytime he saw your face.

Sooner rather than later, Kirishima eventually graduated and he left Musutafu to finally pursue his pro hero career. Each day passed and you frowned at the end of your shifts when you realized Kirishima hadn’t shown up that day. Eventually you grew accustomed to his lack of visits and didn’t bother to peer over your shoulder everytime the door opened. 

It wasn’t that Kirishima purposefully left without saying goodbye, rather he wasn’t given a break to breathe since he graduated. From being recruited by various agencies to being given a sidekick position, Kirishima was constantly busy. Slowly yet surely he climbed the ranks as the years passed and had managed to obtain a spot in the top ten heroes. 

And with this passing time, your life was progressing as well. After graduating from high school, your father gave ownership of the cafe to you as he finally retired. Although you knew you wouldn’t maintain the cafe forever, you still found a way to love the little shop on the corner of the street regardless of the amount of annoying customers you dealt with daily, 

You weren’t surprised in the least to see Kirishima’s face constantly wherever you went. You were well aware of his reputation as one of the promising students and upcoming heroes when he was at U.A. so you couldn’t help but smile everytime he was on the news. Even some of your regulars caught onto your little crush as the TV in the cafe would only play anything and everything Red Riot related.

And then that faithful day came, the door swinging open as the bell above the doorframe rang. A sigh escaped your lips as you wiped another coffee cup dry. “I’m sorry, we’re closed.”

“Aw, guess I was too late. I came by to see you again,” an all too familiar voice said with a light chuckle.

You twisted your head around, gasping internally as Kirishima waved shyly to you. You nearly dropped the cup in your hands but managed to catch it in time. “Y-You! You’re back?!”

Kirishima stepped forward, leaning his forearms on the counter. “Yeah, I’m in town so I thought I’d stop by my favorite place for some of your meat buns.”

You narrowed your eyes at him as you crouched down in front of the display case that luckily had one meat bun left. You put it in a bag and slid it over to him. “Guess I can’t say no when Red Riot’s the one asking me for some meat buns.”

Kirishima laughed, rubbing the nape of his neck sheepishly. “Nah, it’s not like that! I’m Red Riot to most people but I’m just Kirishima with you.”

And for the next few days Kirishima continued to stop by your cafe, deciding to pop in after closing time since people would crowd around him when the place was open. Your adoration for him only grew as he did for you. He was a genuine person, one who hadn’t changed despite the years that had gone by and the reputation he had created for himself. He truly was an amazing person.

But to your disappointment, his visits decreased once again until he stopped showing up. You knew you couldn’t be mad at him, understanding that he had a demanding job, one which he couldn’t predict when he would be busy or not. And yet you couldn’t ignore the deep despondency you felt when you realized you wouldn’t see his toothy grin and that those blazing crimson eyes again for a while.

Just like it had before, time passed and sooner than later, a year had gone by. 

Kirishima was finally in Musutafu again and he walked down the street with a jig in his step, anticipating the expression on your face for when you would see him again. But he stopped dead in his footsteps, disbelief written all over his face as he saw the front doors of the cafe had been boarded up, signs littered all over the windows. “CLOSED DOWN FOR BUSINESS” was written on the signs and Kirishima felt his heart nearly sink to his feet.

He couldn’t believe it, not wanting to believe that he was too late. He couldn’t help but think that if he were more considerate towards you and let you know when he would be leaving and showing up then he might have made it in time, he might have gotten closer to you so that he could keep in touch.

But it was too late. It seemed that Kirishima would never see you again... or so he thought.

“Kirishima?” Kirishima whipped his head around to the source of the sound, an invisible weight lifting off his shoulders once he saw your figure approaching him.

Small snowflakes began falling gently from the sky as Kirishima let out a breath of air. He couldn’t help but smile at how adorable you looked, your face snug under the fabric of your scarf wrapped around your neck to keep warm from the frigidness outside.

“What happened to this place?” Kirishima asked, gesturing to the closed down cafe.

You let out a sigh, glaring at him. “You know, if you showed up moreoften then you wouldn’t be out of the loop.”

“I know, I know. I’ve been busy with work but I should’ve stopped by more than I did,” Kirishima admitted.

You smiled softly. “It’s alright, I was just joking. I know you’re busy kicking ass out there. But some company bought out the place and the rest of the shops down this road for some construction. Apparently they’re putting something else here. It was a shit ton of money so obviously I wasn’t gonna turn it down.”

“I see,” Kirishima mumbled, glancing over at the building. So many memories flooded his mind of the times he spent at this little cafe, all being bright and making his high school days a little more bearable compared to all of the chaos he faced at U.A. It made him dejected to see he wouldn’t have an excuse to see you anymore.

Or maybe he could change that now…

“Your number,” he sputtered out, extending his arm with him phone in hand to you. “Can I have your number?”

You blinked confusedly at him. “Uh sure!” You took the phone in your hand and punched in your name and your number and waved at him. “Well, I’ve gotta go. I need to sign some papers to officially sell this place.”

He took his phone back, smiling sheepishly at you before parting his lips to say one more thing to you. “I wanna take you out... to make up for all the times I left without saying anything.”

You smirked at the him, patting his shoulder as you walked past him, turning your head slightly to reply. “I’ll hold you to it, hero.”

***

“Can’t believe they turned that plaza into this beautiful park,” you said, leaning onto your boyfriend’s arm.

Kirishima tensed under your touch, his left hand dropping beside the bench to grab a plastic bag that he had left in preparation for the outing. He picked it up and placed it on his lap, pulling a sealed meat bun out from the bag.

You eyed the delicious food in delight, your stomach practically growling at the sight. “Where’d you get that from?”

“I got it from the market we used to go to. Their meat buns are so good.”

You scoffed, snatching the delectable bun from your boyfriend’s hands. “Nothing compares to my meat buns.”

Kirishima let out a laugh. “You’re not wrong there.”

He watched you in fondness as you ripped open the plastic and took a big bite out of the bun. He rose a finger to your lips, wiping away a stray piece of dough from the corner of your lips. Even while devouring food you were gorgeous.

Kirishima reached into the bag once more, gripping the velvet box in his fist. He turned his head to you as you continued to eat. “I used to go to that cafe everyday in my freshman year for some meat buns and I just remember thinking this place can’t get any better. And then you showed up and you gave me another reason to visit everyday.”

You smiled, wiping your mouth with the remaining bun in your hand. Kirishima rose a finger to your lips when you attempted to say something. “Wait, just… let me say this.”

You nodded slowly, slightly perplexed by what he was attempting to do. Kirishima looked down at the box which was out of your view. “I always thought that you were one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen. And then that day when you stuck up for that poor girl who was being harassed by that creep? That was the day I knew I liked you, ‘cause you were a badass. I always thought heroes who were manly were cool… but you were the coolest. You’ve always spoken up for the things you believed in and it’s something I’ve always admired and loved about you.”

Kirishima looked back up at you, smiling with his cheeks tinting a light pink hue. “And then after all those years I finally got your number and the more time I spent with you, the faster I fell for you. And now after the years we’ve been together, I can’t help but want to be with you forever.”

You smiled from his sweet words, the chewed up meat bun filling your cheeks as you were completely oblivious to what he was attempting to do. “Eiji, you’re being so fucking cute right now.”

Kirishima laughed, his nerves quickly diminishing. “You idiot, I’m trying to say that I want to marry you.”

He pulled out the box with one swift movement, flicking the lid open to reveal a silver band with a ginormous diamond resting on top of it. Your eyes widened as you dropped the half-eaten bun to the floor. You began choking on the meat bun that was in your mouth, coughing profusely from the shock.

Kirishima rubbed your back, making sure that you were alright. “Are you okay?!”

Your coughs ceased as you were covering your mouth and you felt a wet substance hit your fingertips. Tear after tear emerged from your eyes as you began crying uncontrollably. Kirishima was dumbfounded as he dropped the velvet box to his lap. Maybe he shouldn’t have proposed so soon… maybe you weren’t ready… 

“I’m sorry… you don’t have to say yes. I was probably getting ahead of myself,” Kirishima muttered, gloom evident in his tone.

You peered up at him through wet lashes and wrapped your arms around him. You held onto him for a moment before you pulled away, kissing him harshly. He was left disoriented, not understanding what was going on. Again you pulled away, his cheeks cupped in your hands as you laughed through your tears. “Why would you even think I’d say anything but ‘yes?’ Of course I want to marry you, Eijirou!”

Kirishima’s face broke out into a grin as he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you in for another kiss as he felt your tears wetting his face. He thought he couldn’t be happier with the time he had spent with you but in that moment he was the happiest he had ever been. He was now engaged to the love of his life, and he couldn’t believe it.

It all started with his love for meat buns… now he could look forward to his new life forever with you.

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[rebsrams]

The Enneagram Series - One (Ethan x F!MC)

Book: Open Heart (OHSY)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Rebecca Valentine)

Warnings: angsttttt

Summary: Ethan’s back from the Amazon. MC can’t really come to terms with his decision to cut her off. Based on Atlas: Enneagram from Sleeping at Last.

Word count: 1,249

Author’s notes: I kinda re-imagined part of the beginning of OHSY, actually. It sounded very strange to me that MC would just try to get him back no matter what after he left her like a total coward, escaping his feelings. I just thought that she would have reacted, in some way. And being my MC extremely hot headed, that’s the way it turned out!

Song: One - Sleeping at Last

“Why do you always have to be so goddamn patronizing, Ethan?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you keep fucking up every damn thing that you lay your hands on!”

There they were, roaring at each other again.

The week they had experienced was quite rough, aiming at each other’s throat on every possible occasion and without any valid reason.

Except the fact that after his return from the Amazon, he shut her out for the umpteenth time, and soon it became clear enough to her that he wanted it to be the last.

After the first, big fight they had over Ethan’s words at Donahue’s, he decided that the wisest thing to do was to ignore her and give her time to take his decision in, although it took him an amount of effort that after two months away from her wasn’t ready to face at all.

However, his decision soon turned out to be delusional, as she began to tease him slightly on every possible occasion about his recent recanting, forcing him to stay quiet and bite every bullet in order to keep a vague appearance of dignity across the corridors.

When the situation became unsustainable to him, he began to do the only thing he was used to do when things got rough: he became a bossy jerk, continuously mistreating her to keep her away from him.

The plan obviously didn’t worked out as well as he imagined, because she began to yell at him every time he got a little too much authoritative for her taste and he, for his part, was far too proud for letting himself go the opportunity to stand up to her, his guilt only slightly moderating his tones.

At least they had the decency of fighting in his office, far from prying eyes and especially ears.

But the walls of his office were a little too thin for the volumes reached by their confrontations, and every now and then Ethan happened to notice Harper’s disapproving glances coming his way.

All that he could do was let out a long sigh, pinch the bridge of his nose and go on with his work, waiting for another day to come to an end and for Rebecca to finally draw a line under the whole situation and at least try to forgive him.

But that day, he lost it.

It wasn’t exactly something that she said or done, he deserved every cursing word coming his way.

He was simply mad and couldn’t take it anymore.

Mad with himself, for allowing to his marble heart to break down its walls and letting her in, not even thinking of the consequences.

And mad even with her, for being so incredibly breathtaking, swaying her hips and graciously laughing at the nurse station every single morning.

It was too much for him, for the cold, perfectionist, overachiever Dr. Ethan Ramsey.

He didn’t really mean those things.

He knew perfectly well that she was an excellent doctor, one of the best of her age, and most importantly he didn’t mean to say, by no means, that she was fucking him up.

He was self-destructing himself, staying away for her and forcing himself to push her away every time they got closer.

And though he was the emotionless and imperturbable doctor that Edenbrook came to know, he just wanted to loosen the reins for a bit and allow himself to feel.

Well, if he wanted to feel something, her face after those words was something that could have easily tormented him for weeks.

Totally wounded, for a moment utterly helpless in front of the amount of conflicting feelings she was experiencing.

He could read delusion, sorrow and something that he found rather difficult to pinpoint.

Maybe… Hate? Could it really be that, in the end, she came to hate him?

Well, I’d deserve it, he couldn’t help to think, the weight of what he said totally sinking in.

“Oh, well, in that case… I guess I have nothing more to do here,” she looked around his office, tears dangerously threatening  to fall off her freckled cheeks.

“Have a good day, Dr. Ramsey.”  She turned around, then stopped on her tracks when she was already holding the doorknob.

“On second thought…”

This wasn’t going to end well.

“I suggest you to let go of all this” she gestured around him “aura of complete perfectionism that you bring. It may sooner or later require something of you that you can’t afford to give away. Think of it.”

With this enigmatic words, she left the room leaving her characteristic wake of coconut and cinnamon mints behind her, the loud, angry thumps of her sneakers on the floor annoyingly drawing attention towards her.

Though he always knew she was the only mystery he wasn’t always ready to unravel, her words resonated loud and clear, like a bolt from the blue. Something he tried to ignore for all his life.

Everything in his existence had got to be perfect. No burrs of defects, from his tie knots to his patients’ charts. He lived strictly following routines and embarking only in situations he knew he could fully manage. Which was definitely not the case, speaking of her.

She came into his life like a hurricane and disrupted all of his plans.

Everything was so simple, before her.

Don’t marry, don’t have any kids, commit to your job completely and take Jenner out twice a day.

That’s all he needed, all he wanted. Until her.

Just needed to look at what he’d done to get over her and put his mind back to wherever the hell it was before.

He didn’t have many friends inside the hospital, but whoever knew him just an inch could tell that spending two months in the Amazon wasn’t exactly what he was aspiring to, at least at the time.

It happened increasingly that he found himself daydreaming of her, cuddled against him on the sofa, with her head on his shoulder and his hand through her ginger locks. He found incredibly hard to admit, especially to himself, that he once fantasized about her in a white dress, with orange flowers in her hair.

To bring things back to normal, he thought he just needed time and space to divide him from her, and the Amazon sounded like the further job offer he had received in the latest months.

It could have been a vaguely good idea only if he had the real guts to remain there and not showing his great punching-bag face anymore. He would have still found out that his feelings for her were still there, of course, but at least he would have spared her all the hurt that followed that unfortunate (but breathtaking at the same time) encounter they had at Donahue’s, the night he got back.

He always needed proof for everything, and that was one of the reasons why he became a doctor.

Laws of biology can’t hurt you, people can. That’s what he repeated himself throughout med school and afterwards.

He searched for predictability, order, perfection. But at what cost?

“Something of you that you can’t afford to give away”

His soul, his heart, his humanness. Things he reluctantly needed, as a doctor and as a hypothetically happy human being.

But he just stayed there, the scent of his now cold coffee floating around the room and his eyes locked on the door she went through mere moments ago.

--------------------------------------------------

So, this is gonna be angsty.

As an aspiring singer and a huge music lover, I often draw inspiration from pieces of music. Also, I’m utterly in love with Sleeping at Last, so this is just part of what I wrote listening to them.

I’m not sure how this series is going to evolve, I just know that it will have (with any luck) nine chapters.

Maybe I will go in chronological order, trying not to mess up with the original plot, or maybe I’ll just write about some slices of life involving my favourite duo.

If you have any suggestion, please write me! :)

Unfortunately, don’t know when I’ll be able to post again. I’m having a huge mole of work to do and I don’t really know where to begin! I’ll try to keep writing as a safe haven in this messy world that we’re living in.

tags: @schnitzelbutterfingers​, @choicesfan10, @openheartfanfics​ 

I’d also like to thank again everyone who’s commenting such beautiful things under my works, lots of heart emojis to you 💗💗💗

[ryttu3k]

Finishing up SoNY, ‘bad’ end and final thoughts!

But first, the early game over.

Wow, she just gets shot. Not even slurped? That’s rude as hell XD;;

And on to the ‘bad’ end!

Beginning is much the same, ofc.

“You’re too in love with weaving a good story and establishing a seductive narrative to let facts get in the way.” Foreshadowing for the ‘good’ end, maybe?

God that Embrace scene gives me literal goosebumps.

Alright! Last time I did Danse Macabre and Retributive Justice, let’s try The Risks of Swiping Right!

lmao god I’d eat this guy too. Back to the ghost club! That legitimately is a really neat scene. ...Ooh yes so that’s where the girl was from.

Panhard just lowkey dying at the mental image of Katherine Weise in a fast food restaurant is so good.

The sweet scene between Julia and Dakota hits a bit different after the ‘good’ end XD;;

Went to the park, reminisced, and helped out the guy. That was sweet ;_; High-humanity Julia, this time!

‘Fairy God Mother?’ is great but ‘Vin Diesel?’ is objectively the funnier response.

“Shining even more brightly than usual, Aisling.” Samira got a cru-ush~

Poor Julie. It’s probably been tough without Sophie around :(

Huh. Interestingly, refusing to lie to Mia results in Julia actually feeling genuine loyalty to the Cammies (for now, at least).

Believing Agathon is still alive = more optimistic = different dialogue! See, this is how you make choices have consequences, game!

Oooh boy time to meet Adelaide XD;;

“She uncrosses her legs in a strangely seductive motion. In her mind’s eye, it probably looked like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, but in reality, it had all the grace of a tracksuit Slav squatting.” *snickering*

Fight me, Adelaide >:(

‘sup Nastya. Went with the slightly less disruptive routine here XD Huh, she’s an aspiring DJ! Julia is deeply confused as to how being a DJ and being head of security works together.

lmao Julia referring to Hope as a girlboss. That phrase has lost all meaning to me...

The conversation between Julia and Father Leonard is still really interesting. Man, you know who I want Julia to talk to? Anatole. Interesting insights into balancing being queer Catholic vampires there for sure.

lmao oh my god I want to fight this street reporter.

‘I can almost feel my brain losing its wrinkles.’ *snort*

Yeaghhhh the Abyss bit is still so creepy...

Oops. Being honest regarding Tamika and Torque’s relationships gets a fail :(

Oh, or not XD That works! Also, uh, apparently the giant albino ghoul alligator is real, according to New York by Night. He’s Calebros’ pet.

“Because I think I have a pretty good nose for people’s auras. And when I take a good look at you... ...somehow, I have a feeling you’re a surprisingly decent person. Whatever way of unlife you choose, I hope you don’t change it. And that you remember my advice.” :)

“I know.” Oof.

“Hi.” “WAAAH!” lmao sorry Princess XD;; Just trying to imagine Qadir’s face as he tells Julia to find a 1990 glass statue of Scrooge McDuck... dying...

Oh she’s so a Toreador XD Low art options are a fantasy book, an anime DVD, or a video game... those can all be arty, though! And went with the anime DVD called ‘Ririsu no Daibouken’... that translates to ‘Adventures of Lilith’. How on the nose XD “The cover says ‘Lilith’s Carnal Carnival’.” Oh. Yeah, that’d do it XD

“This 90s original video anime presents us with a tale of five big-bosomed samurai warriors travelling through America in search of General Hastavista, The Incubus King. Don’t let all the titillation misguide you: the main draws here are peerless direction, a nearly avant-garde editing rhythm and dialogue that coyly comments on traditional gender roles in anime. Once you see the animation in the final battle, you’ll understand why it never fails to set a sakuga fan’s heart ablaze!”

She’s my new favourite.

“So can I know your name now?”

“Hmmm... Let me think...

No. <3″

I need to stress that the heart appears in the dialogue box. Like. The actual less-than-three heart.

Didn’t investigate the rat this time, so Qadir did and I die. “Glad you’re alright, little guy.” Qadir...

Still not over the drunk blood doll rats.

Kaiser’s still a goddamn creep and this time Julia is not going too far. She still has her humanity, dammit. Final set of traits:

Loyal to the end

Glass half-full

Not into a bad cop schtick

Honesty is the best policy

No more human, still humane

Onwards to the ‘bad’ end! Oops, and Dakota still did the Single White Female thing XD;;

Man I’m still really curious who the ‘good friend’ is!!

Okay! Time for end game!!

So that’s the good friend, huh? “Let me phrase it differently, then. You’re not Ecaterina the Wise, the Agitator of Prague, a Brujah elder causing turbulences all over the world... are you?”

Mention of Christof! Mention of Christof doing shady shit :| Poor Hana.

“An immigrant from Eastern Europe comes to New York City, takes the position she always expected to find herself in, is molded into someone who is no longer herself.”

Julia and Dakota representing Carthage is kind of neat.

I want to say the mention of St Jude is a reference, but I’m not sure what to XD;; Is that from Redemption? Christof could have been the one to tell Hana that.

“Like a two-person human centipede loop or something. An Ouroburos? Or an, uhh, Mobius strip?” No, that’s the other traditionally Sabbat clan XD

That‘s. That’s a hell of a reconciliation XD “Yeah, let’s give it a try. By the way I’m on the run for my unlife, want to go to California and try to find utopia?”

Julia, wear a fucking mask XD

“Hey.”

“Yeah?“

“Do you love me?”

“... Of course I do. For now, at least.”

I still don’t know if I love her. Or even if I can love anyone, for that matter. I’m a fucking monster, after all. I don’t even know if we’ll exist next month. The prospects are not looking good. But although I can’t see myself in the rearview mirror right now...

...I will remember this image of us leaving the city, somewhat melancholic, and somewhat hopeful, forever. And maybe the meaning of this image will be clarified with time. Or maybe I will just force a more positive description on it, and that is what I’ll believe.

No matter what happens... even if oceans of blood lie before us, I will make this a cherished memory.

Whatever possible salvation still remains for me... ...it probably lies in the eyes of another.

Oh dang I have chills.

So the ‘bad’ ending is about the subverted compromise. Julia resigns herself to letting the compromise about the truth of Callihan’s death go ahead. ‘Catherine’ is a walking compromise to hide the Ecaterina’s real deeds. But while Hana is still stuck in her role for now, Julia refuses to accept the compromise she’s made, both the one relating to the investigation and the compromise she made of her own views and morals. It might blow up in her face, yeah. But damn, she’s going to try.

So, final thoughts! For the sake of completion, this is what I said about Coteries:

And of course this is the part where the game all falls apart :-\

Just… god. This is probably the biggest problem with CoNY, and the reason I didn’t bother getting it until it was like… 60% off. The bulk of the game is great - the writing is intriguing, the design is stunning. But the choices themselves are so limited it’s barely worth even getting it at 60% off!

You have three choices of characters, with their own opening chapters and own individual scenes with their touchstones. You have four choices of coterie members, and three sidequests. You can probably get in at least three full story arcs and a sidequest or two, but you’re only ever limited to two of your coterie members showing up at the not-yet-endgame.

So let’s say you decide to play all three protags, which, indeed, is encouraged (there’s an achievement for it). You are going to repeat coterie arcs and side quests, because there simply aren’t enough for three unique playthroughs.

And then you get to the end and literally everything is scripted. You get attacked by the SI. You get rescued by your two coterie members (and then never see them again, despite the game being called Coteries of New York). You meet Torque, you escape the SI, Sophie reveals her plan to Torque, you go to Ellis Island, Adelaide kills Sophie (and despite the fact that you’re given multiple options there, none of them work), Arturo does his spiel, end of game. You don’t even get to choose between ending up blood bound or going “no fuck you” and at least dying with a bit of dignity!

I just. I really want to like it, and there genuinely is a lot there to like! But uuuugh the ending. Like damn at least give the poor protag the option to choose what happens to them!

Anyway. Not sure what’s next. To get all the achievements, you have to finish with all three protags, so that’s three full runs and a lot of repetitiveness (compare to, say, Bloodlines or Night Road. I have eighty-five hours on Night Road and there’s still stuff I haven’t seen!), so I can’t even just… rush it through up to the meeting with the touchstones on the third play. Nope. Gotta finish it :-\

Final rating: 6/10

8/10 characters, 9/10 atmosphere, 8/10 story aside from ending, 3/10 story ending, 2/10 replayability. Final consensus: get it on major sale if you can, otherwise, you might as well just watch an LP. I might do that instead of doing a third run, although I at least want to do a second.

I ended up revising that 6/10 to 5.5/10 after finishing all runs and getting the achievements just out of how goddamn repetitive it was. So, how does Shadows measure up?

Absolutely continued with all the things I enjoyed about CoNY (characters, atmosphere, and writing), and of the bits I hated (cookie cutter protagonists, lack of real choice, repetitiveness, the godawful ending), every single part has been completely improved.

Instead of three fledglings so similar they even have the same internal thoughts, we have Julia, who’s got such a distinct voice that she becomes the most memorable game protag I’ve seen in years, and I’m including non-VtM games in this. This is absolutely her game, and it’s just... absolutely fascinating to read and watch.

Related - actual real choices. There are five key choices that determine the ending, and every single one has actual consequence in-game. You get different dialogue. Different introspection. Different philosophies. And this carries across - if Julia believes Agathon is alive, she’s more optimistic about her relationship with Dakota, too. And of course, both endings are completely distinct and incredibly written - the ‘good’ ending where Julia gives in to her most Lasombra instincts, plays the game, wins it, gets power and respect at the expense of her humanity and avoiding all those wraiths... or the ‘bad’ ending when she listens to her morals, reconciles with Dakota, and leaves for California, uncertain, but hopeful.

Not a lot of repetitiveness. Yes, by design, you’ll probably do two playthroughs. The main plot is much the same, but there are enough options there to get multiple dialogue options and stuff. And for the little sidequests, you can actually get all in with just the two playthroughs, only repeating like... two, I think. Still, I wasn’t feeling actively bored like I was midway through my second run of CoNY!

Loved seeing more in-depth backstory and development for the coterie members. Agathon’s section was particularly fascinating, literally getting into his head.

And just. Atmosphere and music is so, so good.

Final rating: 9/10. Thank you, Draw Distance, you hit it out of the park.

[fallenxspirit]

Oh boy nothing like Rose Discourse in the morning but anyway here's my tidbit in the whole thing since I'll be writing an NPC post on my take of Rose, and such. Please note that this does not mean I hate Rose's character, I actually love him very much! Also note this is my personal reflect on Rose/ the Rose that is canon to SPIRIT'S storyline and no where else. Thanks.

So Rose isn't genuinely villainous in my opinion, but I also never really thought he was. A good man. I think he was trying to be, I think he did love Galar much more than he cared for his own personal safety. But I also think Rose was incredibly selfish and used his love of Galar to justify those selfish acts. I think he was someone who always had a

"if it's for Galar, then I will do what I have to" mentality. I don't think Rose was inheriently good or evil. But he was someone who gave into personal vice a little more often than he should. And frankly I do use Peony's rare league card description for this mindset as well. Maybe Peony and Rose do just have a relationship that's strained because of favoritism in their family. Maybe Peony quit being champion because he knew how selfish Rose could actually be with people. I also think he was someone who suffered HEAVILY from a hero complex.

But also, Rose has always been an environmentalist in my mind. One who, even as Chairman, has had his claims about the danger to Galar's future ignored.

And in my canon, the Darkest Day happens for three reasons. 1. By a certain point, Eternatus was in Rose's hand and amping up both his selfishness and hero complex. 2. As far as Rose knew, the energy crisis was 10 years away, not thousands. Because one of his scientists lied to him and gave him false results just to get him to stop pestering them about it. 3. He brought these issues to attention, and was told to wait on it one too many times. Cause in my mind, the dialogue between Rose and Leon went a little more like this after Leon requested they wait until after the Championship match.

"Tell me Leon, did I ever tell you how much I hate that 'lets wait for it' mentality? The constant amounts of times that people have said. 'oh it's a thousand years away. Oh it's 20 years away. Oh it's 10 years away. Let's save the problem for tomorrow. And we'll keep saying that until we have no tomorrow's left.

Humans are creatures of habit, Leon. I understand that very much, have all I have my own morning routines and business habits I fall into everyday. And if something disrupts them, it upsets me greatly. But I'm worrying that you're beginning to develop a bad habit, throwing yourself into this 'lets wait till tomorrow' idea. What excuses will you continue to make, Leon?

What happens if you lose tomorrow, will you say "oh please Chairman Rose, the new champion doesn't know what they're doing yet. Let's wait a few more days. When that time comes, you will say 'Oh sorry Chairman, I've made plans with my family. Tomorrow.' then the day comes and you will say 'One more day Chairman, I have a date with someone very important to me. The next day comes and it's 'Hop is sleeping, Chairman. Can we please wait until he wakes up tomorrow?' There will always be an excuse for another day, why the stars don't align for you to help me and Galar.

Until we have no more chances. Until your bad habits cost us everything. The possibility of a new champion isn't as important as the well-being of Galar. You, your family, and your significant other will always have chances to see each other after we're done. Hop can sleep after the day is over. I will grant you this one tomorrow, Leon. But no more after that. No more waiting. I am truly growing sick of it."

So basically my idea is Rose was trying to do good, and things got really fucked up. The Darkest Day was more destructive than even he realized, more of Galar's citizens were hurt and lost than he expected. Which is why he chose to go to jail, because he saw he almost destroyed something he had been trying to protect.

Note he doesn't have excuses for certain things, like what happened with Bede. Which is again, just due to Rose being selfish and trying to raise a hero for the purpose of defeating and capturing Eternatus. Bede was meant to be a back up in case Leon failed, and things spiraled down from there.

And on that note, no Spirit doesn't like Rose. He honestly never really has due to some own personal bias in his past. And frankly he had no reason to start liking Rose after the incredibly traumatic event he, Gloria, Hop, and Leon had to go through because of his misguided attempt to save Galar. My muses feelings on Rose obviously do not reflect mine at all.

Anyway that's all I gotta say about Chairman Rose lol

[grapeicies]

8 Things 8 Years of Therapy Taught Me

(Working with a professional version)

1) STOP PUSSYFOOTING YOUR STRUGGLES AND PICK SOMETHING TO WORK ON.

It’s tempting to think that you can go into a therapist’s office with no game plan. 

It’ll go like this: you tell them something’s wrong, you clarify what you think is wrong, and they use their fancy degrees and licenses to eventually sus out what’s really wrong with you and come up with either a miracle medicine or say that one perfectly profound thing that will set your life into motion. 

Doesn’t work that way.

Your therapist is human. While they are more trained and more experienced with handling a wider variety of issues, struggles, and stories than the average person, they still cannot read your mind. They cannot understand how you tick by the short amount of time they have you for, especially when it’s weekly or monthly sessions. In order to get the best out of your sessions, you have to identify problem areas and at least start the process of brainstorming what direction you want to move in. 

Your therapist cannot fix you. They cannot force you to recover. 

You are always in charge of your own recovery. It doesn’t work otherwise.

Personally, I like following the CBT model and focusing on changing behaviors in order to change thoughts in order to change feelings. It feels less overwhelming to change my behaviors because my thoughts aren’t nearly as visible as how I behave and my feelings are involuntary reactions to my own thoughts and events happening around me. If you’re too overwhelmed to decide on just one behavior to work on, that’s what your therapist is there for. To guide you.

2) Do your fucking research.

Most people have the impression of therapy as an hour of you sitting on a chaise and talking the ear off of a nodding observer who takes notes and occasionally chimes in with profound bits of wisdom. Psychodynamic therapy is the most common form of therapy and it works for some people! It just doesn’t work for everyone. Know that if it didn’t work for you, there are still options out there for you to still try!

Just a short list of alternative therapies:

Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (My personal favorite experience!)

Art Therapy

Music Therapy

EDMR Therapy

And many more

There are also different levels of care (from highest to lowest; commentary is US-centric!)

Inpatient [Individual or Group] (Split into Residential and Acute) Meant for short-term stabilization in a medical/hospital setting in an emergency ONLY. 

Partial Hospitalization (PHP) [Group] the step down from inpatient; after a person is stabilized, they are placed in 5 days-a-week, 8 hours-a-day care where they commute from their residence to their program in order to reintroduce structure to them after a major disruption in their life (like an inpatient stay). Typically, group sessions are paired with a team of providers who advise a personal care counselor who supervises your progress. A person can be referred to PHP as either an alternative to inpatient or as a transition from inpatient, depending on their level of need. If you need PHP and cannot afford it: ASK ABOUT HOSPITAL CHARITY CARE OPTIONS. (Lasts anywhere from 1 week to 2 months)

Intensive Outpatient (IOP) [Group] can either be a step down from IP/PHP or a preventative measure to keep a person out of the higher levels of care (because IP and PHP are expensive and will 100% increase your insurance rates, unfortunately). An IOP schedule operates anywhere from 2-4 days a week, depending on your level of need. Most IOP will start you at 3 days a week and either increase or decrease the number of days you attend depending on their assessment of your wellness. Like a PHP, an IOP will typically pair group sessions with a team of providers and a single PCC who supervises your progress. Also typically has charity programs! I know! I benefited from them! You have to ask though! (Lasts anywhere from 3 - 12 months)

Routine Outpatient Care (ROC) [Individual or Group] the most common form of care. Is often either the precursor to or the ending point of higher levels of care. This is where a person has the most autonomy in the maintenance of their health and is the most long-term form. Most therapists have a sliding scale for payment options. The sliding scale, unfortunately, does not apply if you’re paying with insurance. Make sure to talk to them or their secretary about your financial options and look into potentially free options. (Lasts however long you can afford it or however long you need it to)

Support Groups [Group] (Typically) free community resources meant to explore and process difficult feelings in the company of other people who have gone through similar things! It’s most often in the form of 12-step programs but I hate those so I like to make sure that people know they have other, secular options available! Like SMART! And Facebook Groups! And Discord Servers! Places that are specifically oriented for people who want to feel supported while they recover!

3) Be picky.

I cannot overstate this enough. View therapists like you view a job interview because you are LITERALLY hiring them to help you manage that bitch of a blob of electrified fat sitting in your cranium. You’re setting up for an uncomfortable process; it should be with someone you feel like you can grow to trust.

Ask them:

“How long have you been practicing? What demographic do you specialize with? What are your strengths as a therapist? What are your weaknesses? What methods do you use for treatment? Have you been through therapy yourself? How recently? How often do you seek an outside opinion? Describe your ideal patient. Have you treated patients with similar problems to the ones I have described? How often do you anticipate seeing me? Do you assign homework? How should I prepare for our first session?”

If you are non-white, LGBTQIA+, (previously or currently) poor, disabled, or part of any other marginalized group I urge you to also ask these questions:

“What is your experience level working with my community? How do you view my community? How do you or would you adapt your treatment methods to accommodate people like me? What options are available for me? Do you know someone who might be better suited for my needs?”

I cannot emphasize enough just how much it radically changed my life to find therapy options in my community. There are just some things that all the education in the world cannot compensate for. Someone who meets you on most of your community needs is better than someone who meets you on literally none of your community needs. Not having that connection, feeling like I was being humored but not heard, almost drove me away from therapy entirely.

4) Understand that you are wired to troubleshoot.

If you feel in your gut that something isn’t right, understand that something is not right.

Here’s the caveat though:

What you think is wrong may not actually be what’s wrong. 

Building an accurate intuition for troubleshooting is a gained skill. If your upbringing wired you for dysfunctional relationships and fed into cognitive distortions that overtake your view on situations, then something is still off and still needs to be addressed. Or you’re just able to recognize that you’re in a shitty place and your environment needs to change. Or a whole host of other things. Troubleshooting is RARELY a one-solution fix and it is even more rarely a black-and-white issue. There’s nuances to the gears that keep you going. It often takes time and care to assess and then get to work on everything. If you keep maintenance up on your system and take care of things before they get unmanageable, you will eventually be able to workshop your own solutions. Still, we’re here for professional help because it is beyond a point where we are able to take in on ourselves.

Sit there with your fucking check engine light and do not turn it off because someone tells you to. 

Shine on, you immensely well-developed system, you.

5) DO YOUR GODSDAMNED HOMEWORK.

If your program/therapist asks you to do it, do it. 

This isn’t school. 

You will not be punished for not doing your homework. (Except for potentially being told you are harboring a therapy resistant behavior and that there’s nothing the therapist can do for you as the crushing disappointment from realizing you flaked on something important yet again sets in)

You will also not be rewarded for doing it if you avoid it. (Increased sense of trust between you and your therapist! A sense of accomplishment for having worked on yourself and delivering on a promised result! Increased self-confidence and dopamine rush from feeling reliable!) 

Homework is the way that you show your therapist how committed you are to the process and how accountable you are for your own development. It helps you build trust with them and helps you form a helpful habit.

But, like, also don’t treat it like those last minute assignments you would fill out literally as the teacher was walking through the door. There’s no guideline to this. Your homework is for your personal development. If it’s too insufferable to do consistently, talk to your therapist and figure out something else that does work for you. You are the master of your own destiny. Your therapist is there to make sure you’re held accountable for your progress and to help guide you towards being the best version of yourself.

Fully involve yourself with your homework and make it something you want to do.

5) Be your own snitch.

SNITCH ON YOURSELF.

TELL YOUR THERAPIST EVERYTHING THAT IMPEDED YOUR PROGRESS THAT WEEK/MONTH.

COME INTO YOUR FIRST SESSION WITH A FULLY ITEMIZED LIST OF POTENTIALLY THERAPY RESISTANT HABITS YOU HARBOR, TEACH YOUR THERAPIST HOW TO RECOGNIZE THOSE BEHAVIORS IN YOUR ACTIONS, EXPRESS HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO OVERCOME THEM, AND BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR OWN PROGRESS.

Don’t know what a therapy resistant behavior looks like? Here’s a PsychCentral post.

Resistance is a natural part of recovery. Everyone has resistance within them to change or new thoughts/habits/ideas/whatever. It’s how your brain protects your identity from the things that would wreck it.

And you are here to recognize that your identity is a construct and you are the person who defines it. 

If you are working with the right therapist, being honest will not kill you.

Even if it means being referred to a new therapist. Even if it means being asked to leave your program/your therapist’s practice. Even if it lands you in the hospital. (All have happened to me! It sucked! A lot! It hurt! A lot! I cried! A lot! I lived! A lot! Honestly! I was better for it!)

There’s a level of catharsis that comes with looking your worst fears in the face and answering them with radical honesty. When you’re willingly and brutally honest about the obstacles that come with working with you and the severity of your needs, you are giving your therapist the opportunity to set their limits and boundaries. You are helping them help you by allowing them to be honest about how well they can work within the parameters your situation has set for them. While sometimes the answer is yes, they can help you, sometimes the answer is no, they can’t help you. You must be willing to accept both.

You have to be willing to show your underbelly if you want to get anywhere meaningful.

6) Document the fuck out of everything.

You know those sessions of therapy where you know something important happened that week between now and last session? The ones where you, for the life of you, cannot resummon the thoughts and feelings and words you had when you were stuck in the thick of it?

Document them. 

Sit there and learn how to document every little step, every tear, every smile, every awful, terrible thought. Make vlogs, write letters, fill up journals and scrapbooks and sketchbooks and playlists and write songs and make memes and do everything in your power to make sure you’re able to hold onto what’s important so you can present it to your therapist. 

While you are in therapy, learn how to TAKE NOTES. 

You do not have to take traditional notes (my preferred method was to doodle while we talked and use the images to trigger the memories of what we talked about when I reviewed them later because that’s how my brain works). Understand that you need a reminder and a way to access the information from your sessions later so you can keep doing the work outside of therapy.

Beyond the fact that it is satisfying as fuck to hold your progress in your hands, it is also important because your therapist cannot work with a shrug and an “It was alright. Nothing really happened.” They are not your friend. 

They are there to help you. Help them help you.

7) Learn when it’s time to buckle down and when it’s time to let go.

The hardest skill I had to learn when I was going through therapy was learning when to recognize “I am no longer growing” and then look my therapist in the face and say “Thank you for everything. I’ve learned everything I can learn. I need to go.” But I’ve also heard from people who say they’ve had the opposite problem: they don’t know how to stay. They don’t know when to say “I have things to learn from you and I want to learn them.”

Therapy is a professional venture. While you are building meaningful relationships, it is impossible to complete your journey while relying on the guidance of a single person AND a loose network of fleeting connections is not a support system. It is support soup. 

People need a support *network* constructed from the various enriching relationships they have built for themselves. Therapy is not an exception to this.

Do not be afraid to challenge yourself and explore why you feel the way you do and your emotional urges. Challenge why you feel the urge to run. Challenge why you feel fear when you think of leaving. Understand that when those feelings arise, your growth often lies on the other side of the opposite action.

8) Keep going.

Develop the capacity for grit.

In a society that benefits from your self-hatred and animosity towards the other, it is your radiance and your defiant capacity for love and empathy that is the true revolution.

You cannot change the world. You cannot change your family. You cannot change people.

Let yourself resist those truths and then accept them.

Commit to accepting them.

And then operate within the boundaries placed before you.

You can influence the world around you when you invest in yourself and the people around you. When you demand better for yourself and work for it, you embolden other people to want the same. You may not be able to feel the impact of the mark you will leave on the world when you do better and still you must have faith that your mark is made.

This post is my effort to shape the world I live in using the tools I built for myself. And just like every thought, every quote, every gesture, every conversation, every hug, every tear, and every smile carved and shaped me into the person I am today, I have one wish for everyone who reads this:

I hope for all of you to one day wake up and realize you are currently the best version of yourself that you have ever been.

And that you will only continue to get better.

8 things 8 Years of Recovery Taught me

[overlordjanefire]

“You aren’t autistic but”:

-“Why won’t you let me hug you? You said I could hug you yesterday.”

-“You lied to me! No, it doesn’t matter that you misintepreted the way I reacted to what you were saying/doing and that it was unintentional.”

-“You’ve already said that like 5 times! We get it wow.”

-“People don’t care about that thing you literally can’t seem to stop thinking about/mentioning, just talk about something elsez”

-“No I’m not MAD at you *eyeroll* why do you always ask that??”

-“Why do your jokes/style of humor always seem the same?? (Answer, when something gets a positive response ie: people laughing but not at you, it seems like a safe bet)

-*listens to a song on loop like 50 times, unable to stop*

-“YOU DON’T need to take so long to do that, I can do it in 5 minutes! Just do what I’m doing? Be faster, you clearly have no reapect for other people’s time!” (*Literally crying because I can’t go any faster*)

-“You get sarcasm! You’ve ALWAYS gotten sarcasm/idioms!” (Yes, when you use ThAt VoIcE™️ for sarcasm and I straight up learned every idiom I know from the internet/english class)

-Alternatively: “No?? Of course we aren’t doing that thing I said we were doing a second ago? I was being sarcastic???

-“I’m proud of you for just toughing it out and eating that food you hate/letting that person touch you when you didn’t want them to/basically just having a sensory meltdown without bothering other people too much.”

-*Infodumps while clearly no one cares*

-“You’re too sensitive! Why are you upset?”

-“Jeez what are you, heartless? Why aren’t you excited?”

-“How are you feeling?” “I don’t kn-“ “BUT HOW ARE YOU FEELING???!?”

-“Food doesn’t have a “bad texture”.

-*doesn’t make sure my voice/face is bright enough* “quit acting so disgusted with everything around you”.

-*gets overwhelmed to the point of crying while also being like why the fuck am I crying freaking stop*

-*Goes somewhere unfamiliar and is uncomfortable* “this is supposed to be a nice trip*

-*schedule gets suddenly changed/disrupted causing me to get stressed/overwhelmed/space out* “plans change sometimes you know”.

-*has a preset list of acceptable ways to talk to strangers and aquaintences in person* “you’re so good at small talk!”

-*Sometimes has trouble communicating/interacting with friends/family “Quit isolating yoursef”.

-*has extreme auditory sensitivity which was ignored for years until I literally begged my parents to acknowledge how much pain it was causing me*

-*Debilitating social anxiety due to lack of understanding where I fit into the conversation and not wanting to come off as too much* “Be more outgoing! People like you!”

-*says something I think is cool/interesting/funny only to be met by blank stares and one (1) awkward laugh.

-*Realizes that fiddling with elastics/pencils/fidget toys/flapping my hands a little is better than DIGGING MY NAILS INTO MY FUCKING SKIN when I’m overwhelmed* “You’re just doing all this fidgety stuff to PROVE something.”

-*Feels intense sympathy for friends and family but can only use shared experience for empathy*

-*doesn’t notice I’m talking loudly* “Jeez calm down!”

_*doesn’t notice I’m talking quietly* “Speak. Up.”

-*Develops super intense interests in tv shows and music*

-“Just change your routine! It’s not that hard.”

-*relentless thought/song lyric enters head, will not exit for rest of forever*

[brianc521]

Mendes Recording Co | Treat You Better

He hated himself, simple as that.

He couldn’t stand how excited she was for her date, and how James kept turning out to be that guy.

He had flowers delivered this morning, letting her know that he’d pick her up at 6 from the studio since he knows it’s Friday and she likes to stay an hour late to catch up on paperwork from the week.

Shawn signed for the flowers and it took everything in him not to just dump them in the trash bin right outside the front door. They were white roses, and he knows she fucking hates roses.

She believes that they are too cliche’d, that it’s almost expected that all girls love roses and swoon at the sight of a boy holding roses.

And tell you what, she swooned so fucking hard when Shawn turned around holding a vase of roses, that boy looked real pretty and soft holding white roses out to her. All her thoughts of ‘cliche’s are stupid’ went right out the window at the sight of the man in front of her.

“James sent roses,”

And her whole giddy happy demeanor dropped at the just the mention of his name.

She has nothing against James, he’s sweet and cute, but, he’s just not Shawn.

“Oh, okay,”

“They’re not lilies,” Shawn mutters as he sets them on the corner of her desk.

She looks up with wide eyes when he says that, her heart rate picking up. “Huh?”

“Lilies?” Shawn tilts his head, “I thought they were your favorite,”

“They are,” She answers quickly, “They are.”

“So why would he send roses?” He asks with a slight smirk.

“Cliche,” She murmurs, checking to see if the vase needs water.

Shawn just hums, nodding as he heads off for the booth, “Maybe he doesn’t know you that well,”

**

She stands from her desk, straightening out her dress, and reaching for her purse as Shawn walks in. He’s purposely stayed late to see her out on her date for the evening, also to maybe get a view of what his competition might be.

He made a plan today, in his office, that he’s gonna fight. He knows that this is his girl standing in his building. This is his girl that’s gonna rule the music industry with him, but also rule the world. He could feel it in his blood, that she was his. She just didn’t know it yet.

He just has to do something to make her see.

“Not here yet?” He asks, taking a seat in front of her desk.

“No, but it’s early,” She nods.

“Think he’ll bring more roses?” He quips.

“Shut up,” She shakes her head.

And its then he notices that she hasn’t touched them. Didn’t do her routine of putting them in her vase after cutting the stems, didn’t change the water or anything. She hasn’t done anything that she normally does when he walks in with a bouquet of lilies from time to time.

“Hmm?” He smirks, biting his lip as he looks up at her.

Maybe she already knows, she’s just fighting it. Because if she’s fighting it, he’ll fight her harder.

“What?” She snaps.

“Gonna let them die? Or gonna let them grow?” He nods to the roses, but his eyes never leave hers and he knows that she gets what he’s really talking about.

“I don’t know, haven’t had a chance to pay attention to letting them grow,” She answers confidently, standing in front of the mirror on the wall and fixing her lipstick.

Shawn sinks in his seat a little, what was that supposed to mean?

Just as Shawn’s about to say something back the door opens, a well dressed James stepping in.

“Hey,” He smiles, looking from Shawn to Y/n. “You look good,” He stutters over his words, obviously nervous.

“Well thank you,” Shawn stands, grinning when Y/n sends him a glare, “But shouldn’t you be complimenting your date? Because she looks phenomenal.

James stops and his eyes widen as he looks to Y/n, “I was-”

“He’s kidding, I know you were talking to me,” She interrupts. “Thank you,” She smiles. “And thank you for the flowers, they’re beautiful.”

“Are you ready?” James offers a hand, and she smiles kindly as she takes it, walking with him to the door.

Shawn reaches out quickly, grabbing her arm and pulling her into him. “Something else is already growing Alto, maybe you should let these die,” He references their earlier conversation, giving her a pointed look.

She gasps and then retains her composure, “Maybe I’m letting this grow because someone else regrets planting the other seed.”

With that she smiles at James and exits the building without looking back.

Shawn flops back into his seat, winded from what she’s just said. “Regret?” He repeats, and it’s like everything flips and suddenly he can see her clearly.

She never regretted what they did, she’s doing this because she thought he did. She’s protecting herself from the pain he caused when he tried to keep everything professional. Which explains why she never wanted to speak to him about what happened because she assumed he’d want to talk about how he might have thought it was a mistake, when he never did.

Shawn stood up, looking at the flowers and his eyes catch on the card. He picks it up, looking at the note James wrote;

It’s finally date day, I’ll pick you up at 6

Shawn rolls his eyes, tossing the card back on the desk, and when it lands it’s face down, his eyes catching on her handwriting on the back.

Dinner at Vinyls Bar and Grill

“He’s taking her to a bar?” Shawn spits, he reaches for his keys in his pocket, fumbling for his wallet and booking it out to his car, she’s with the wrong guy and it’s time to prove it to her.

**

The drive to the bar was quick, but felt like an eternity to Shawn. He kept asking himself questions. Did she leave the date destination on the card on purpose? Did she hope he’d find it and come get her?

He parks his car, jumping out and stalking into the bar and grill, looking around with narrowed eyes for his girl.

His eyes catch on hers over James’ shoulder. Her mouth falls open when she sees him, James turning and looking to look at Shawn when she won’t look away.

“Shawn?” James says, looking back to Y/n. “Is something wrong?”

Shawn scoffs, eyes darting to James. “Yeah something is,”

“What happened?” She stands up, worried something bad happened.

“You’re here,” Shawn snaps. “That’s what happened. You went out with him, and not me.”

She gasps, and James clears his throat, standing as well.

“Well maybe she turned you down for a reason Mate,” James pushes Shawn’s shoulder a bit, getting him to take a step back.

Shawn shakes his head, “She never turned me down, Mate.”

James looks to Y/n with a look of shock, and a flash of possessiveness washes over him. “Well I would think that her being here, with a man that’s not you should be clue enough that she doesn’t want you?”

“Does she not want me, or is she trying to distract herself with you.” Shawn smirks, looking to Y/n, “When she knows that no one can be me,”

Y/n’s frozen in shock, everything falling apart right in front of her eyes.

“Shawn,” James voice goes deep and quiet. “If you don’t leave my date, then I’ll have no choice but to take my talent to another studio, and to rip up that contract Y/n brought up on Wednesday.”

Shawn blanches for a quick second, never thinking that James would hit that low, and also in shock that Y/n’s talked to him about a contract with the studio. Shawn locks eyes with James.

“Fine,” He shakes his head. “Couldn’t care less,”

At this Y/n gasps, hitting Shawn’s arm. “Shawn!” She shrieks, “He’s gonna put your studio on the map!”

And it’s true, with the raw natural talent that James has, he could really skyrocket the studio.

Shawn’s eyes flare as he turns to Y/n, “No Baby,” He shakes his head, the pet name falling from his lips so effortlessly. “He’d put our studio on the map.”

“Shawn,” She sighs, her eyes brimming with tears, cheeks a cute pink tint.

“But it doesn’t matter,” Shawn shrugs simply. “I’d lose him over you. I’d lose everything before I let myself lose you.”

“You don’t mean that,” She rolls her eyes.

“Yes I do!” Shawn takes her hand, interlocking their fingers. “I let you walk out the door once, I won’t do it again. I’m falling in love with you, and you’re my dream.”

She gasps, tear dropping as she has to tell her body to breathe. “I’m falling in love with you too,”

“Then leave with me, let me take you somewhere where you’re comfortable, because any man who truly cares for you know that you don’t like bars, and despise roses,” Shawn sneers at James.

She hiccups a bit as she tries to catch her breath, “I’m sorry James,”

James sighs, nodding, “Can’t fight love,” He mumbles as she hugs him quickly and then taking Shawn’s hand, letting him walk her to his car.

**

“I thought you regretted it,” She shrugs, now sitting on his white fluffy couch.

She’s wearing his sweats, and one of his Johnny Cash shirts, make up washed off her face, hair in a messy ponytail.

“No,” Shawn shakes his head quickly, scooting closer to her, hands holding hers. “God no,”

“It’s just you acted like it never happened, I mean you left,” She deflates, “I don’t even think you stayed at all.”

“Hey,” He tilts her chin up to look at him. “Of course I stayed,” His eyebrows are scrunched. “I took advantage and held you all night, only been wanting to do that since I met you.”

She blushes, nodding her head at him. “Why’d you act like that then?”

He sighs, “It’s so stupid when I say it now, but at the time? I thought it would be smart to act like it didn’t happen at work. That way were weren’t like disrupting the great work relationship, as we turned into more.”

“So what does this mean? Do I have chose? Girlfriend or Co worker?”

“NO!” Shawn shakes his head, realizing he’s not explaining clearly. “I’m bad at this,”

“I guess I’m just confused, if you don’t want to disrupt our work then how…?”

“I think I just want to figure out how we can balance both, you know?”

“Yeah of course. I mean I don’t want anything to change, I mean except being able to kiss you, and spend more time with you,”

“Of course things are gonna change,” He leans forward, nipping her lips. “You’re my girlfriend,”

“Am I?”

“I hoped so,” He grins.

“Me too,”

** Tags: @minniemcgoo \\ @softboyshawn \\ @lettherosesgrow \\ @shawnsassymendes \\ @spideys-wife \\ @justanotherfangurl272 \\ @alinaxxshawn \\ @ilovejackavery \\ @officialrackxo \\ @ilsolee \\ @ourlittleshawnie \\ @disaster-rose \\ @ashwarren32 \\ @vnv21 \\ @drunklili

[maluminspace]

Kissing In The Snow

Pairing: Ashton Irwin/Reader

Trigger warnings: Strong language and very mild sexual reference

Word count: 921

Requested: Anon

You usually hate the snow. It pisses you off that you can’t drive in it and you hate your routine being disrupted by something as ridiculous as tiny frozen water droplets.

Today, though, it’s very hard to be mad about the little snow storm that stopped you from going to work this morning. Despite the fact that the unexpected day off means that you’ll have a lot of catching up to do for the rest of the week, you can’t help but smile as a fresh flurry of snowflakes swirl around you on the chilling breeze.

“C’mon, babe!” Ashton calls excitedly. He’s already a few steps ahead of you as you pass through the entrance of the park, a beaming smile on his handsome face. A few of his freshly dyed red curls are escaping from the confines of his black beanie hat, as he glances over his shoulder at you. “I wanna see if the lake is frozen over!”

You roll your eyes fondly as you quicken your pace, eager to end this little adventure and get back to the warmth of your cozy little apartment. “I’m coming!” You sigh, unable to stop a tiny smile from curling the corners of your lips.

Ashton grins so brightly that those adorable dimples appear in his cheeks and his hazel eyes sparkle beautifully in the gloomy light. He stops in his tracks and holds one of his gloved hands out to you, silently urging you to walk faster.

“You’re such a fucking child.” You giggle, reaching out to tangle your fingers with his. “Why aren’t we at home, snuggling in a blanket like a <i>normal</i> couple.”

Your boyfriend looks too adorable bundled up in his winter scarf and coat that your whiny comment takes on a much softer tone than you originally intended. Your boyfriend flutters his eyelashes all-too-innocently at you. “We hardly ever get this much snow!” He pouts, “it’d be a shame to waste it by staying indoors!”

Although you hate to admit it, the manchild has a point. Despite the freezing temperature and the fact that you can’t feel your toes anymore, you’d much rather be here with Ashton than anywhere else in the whole world. You can’t tell him that yet, though. You’ve yet to show him your sappy side and you plan to keep it that way for a little longer. “Tell that to my numb nose!” You giggle playfully, nudging your boyfriend’s shoulder with your own.

Ashton places a tiny kiss to the tip of your nose, stroking your cheek gently with the glove-covered thumb of his free hand. “Does that help?” He asks quietly, keeping his face close enough to yours that you can feel his warm breath on your skin.

You nod, smiling mischievously. “My lips are a little numb too...” you grin, raising one eyebrow suggestively. “Maybe they need the same treatment?”

It’s Ashton’s turn to roll his eyes at you, but they continue to glisten prettily as the snow starts to fall heavier around you. For a split second you think that your cheesy line has worked it’s magic, however a cheeky smirk replaces Ashton’s soft expression before he backs up. “Only if you can beat me to the lake!” He laughs, taking off across the snow covered grass at quite an impressive speed.

Cursing your childish boyfriend under your breath you take after him, pounding through the snow as best you can as fresh snowflakes do their very best to hinder you vision.

Ashton’s already halfway across the usually grassy verge by the time you get close enough to reach out and grab his arm. The redhead giggles loudly as you grip his coat firmly and tackle him into a hug. His mild struggles are enough to throw you both of balance and you topple to the ground in a tangled heap. You’re lucky enough to fall a second later than your boyfriend and Ashton let’s out a soft “oof” sound as you land on top of him.

“That’ll teach you to run away from kisses!” You laugh breathlessly, staring down at your silly boyfriend. “You’re such an idiot Irwin!”

Ashton looks up at you so softly that’s impossible to be even a little fake mad at him. He reaches up to cradle your cheek gently, lifting his head until his cold lips touch yours in a loving kiss. You give in easily, sinking into the kiss happily. The feel of Ashton’s lips moving sweetly against your own is enough to make you forget the fact that you’re both laying in a heap of snow.

When you finally pull away for air you feel warmer than you have done since you left your apartment and you’re sure that your cheeks are as flushed as Ashton’s are right now. You smile almost sheepishly before peppering your boyfriend’s face in dozens of tiny kisses, your heart filling with so much love as he giggles like a little child and wriggles beneath you.

“C’mon, nerd!” You laugh fondly, scrambling to your feet before offering Ashton a hand to help him up. “Let’s go and see if the lake is frozen over.”

Ashton’s eyes light up as though you’ve just offered him the whole world. He takes your hand and struggles to his feet before brushing the powdery snow off of your woolly hat and your shoulders. “You look gorgeous, covered in snow.” He grins, wiggling his eyebrows mischievously. “Maybe we can go home soon, actually. I think we can find something fun to do indoors, after all.” 

Masterlist

[diamcndhearts]

I think i’m just in a bitchy, irritable mood but i’m gonna vent real quick

i think i’m irritable bc of the disruption in my daily routine (bc my bf went on a trip and so i don’t get to see or hang out with him every day after work) but like, again i’m upset and sad about the two relationships in the polycule having the same anniversary, and that i’m not able to spend our anniversary with my boyfriends, but our boyfriend can be with their girlfriend. 

but i’m also a little upset i guess that I had planned to watch a show with my other boyfriend in my triad, the one who’s not on the trip, and i mentioned it while on a call with all four of us earlier, and now it’s a four person thing. Instead of it being just me and him, it’s all four of us. and i can’t say i’m upset about it, bc bf 1 would  be upset that i don’t wanna do it with them, and bf 2 obviously isn’t gonna say no to bf 1 and their gf

I’m starting to feel like all the problems are my own, and i’m too emotional or possessive, or that maybe i’m just a bad partner and/or a bad person

part of me also wants bf 2 to wake up so i can talk and ask him about all this, but I also don’t wanna out myself as the shitty person i think i am. and i’m also glad he’s asleep so he can’t see me crying and can’t ask me why

i just... fucking hate myself. yesterday it was my weight, today it’s my emotions, yay.

edit: i also feel the asinine need to ask bf 1 if he has sex or talks as sexually with their gf as they do me, BUT IT’S LITERALLY NONE OF MY BUSINESS, I’M SURE SHE DOESN’T ASK ABOUT HIM AND I, SO I SHOULDN’T CARE AND YET!!

[hudsliam-blog]

GET TO KNOW LIAM HUDSON ; event 001.

PART 1: THE BASICS

What is your full name? - Liam Wyatt Hudson

Where and when were you born? -  Lima, OH on July 4th

Who are/were your parents? - Emma Hudson, the best woman known to mankind. She’s a doctor. I strive every single day to be just as amazing as she is.

Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like? - A younger brother, Benjamin Hudson. He’s a kickass kid. 

Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people. - I currently live partially in a dorm but I have my own apartment in Athens. My bunkmate at college is kind of spontaneous with his guests so I tend to hardly stay there until I have an early class the next morning. 

What is your occupation? - Student at Lima University, I work at the local pub for extra money.

Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks. - I’m Liam and I’m 6′3″  weighing in at    94.3 kg. My hairs brown and my eyes are blue, my style? It’s all over the damn place. At this moment I don’t have any tattoos but I do have a scar on my calf from a pair of skates. 

To which social class do you belong? - Probably working class? I don’t fucking know.

Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses? -  Nope, I’m one lucky dude.

Are you right- or left-handed? - Lefty but righty when need be.

What does your voice sound like? - Like a voice? 

What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently? - Fuck. Come on. Hurry the fuck up. That’s 15 suicides, Daniel. 

What do you have in your pockets? - A wallet and keys. 

Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics? - I bounce my leg a lot because I can’t sit steal to save my life. 

PART 2: GROWING UP

How would you describe your childhood in general? - It was tough but it wasn’t horrible. My mom was amazing and I respect her so much for raising my brother and I to be respectful men. 

What is your earliest memory? -  Peeing in the front lawn. 

How much schooling have you had? - Too much if you ask me.

Did you enjoy school? - Sometimes, if  I can concentrate enough. 

Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities? - My mom or just catching on when I watched others.

While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them. - Not really, none that I can think of. I just knew I wanted to be me so I set a path for myself that I fought to stay on. 

While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family? - Great! 

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? - A photographer or hockey player. Look at me now. 

As a child, what were your favorite activities? - Anything sport related or hanging out with friends. 

As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display? - Like I really paid attention to my own traits. 

As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like? - You could say that, I was friends with pretty much any and everyone. 

When and with whom was your first kiss? - Jessica Dawson. 

Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity? -  You’re quite the nosy one aren’t you? 

If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today. - Now you’ve got me wishing I was a werewolf or vampire, shit that’d be wicked.  I think never knowing my dad kind of influenced me to be a better man then he ever was. I knew that I wanted to be someone that people respected and looked up to. 

PART 3: PAST INFLUENCES

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? - Winning the National Championship. 

Who has had the most influence on you? -  My mother and my coach. 

What do you consider your greatest achievement? - Leading my team to victory. 

What is your greatest regret? - Not taking more time for relationships and love. 

What is the most evil thing you have ever done? - I faked a injury during practice to get my team to focus more on being a team then being cocky. 

Do you have a criminal record of any kind? - No. 

When was the time you were the most frightened? - My mom got called into work during an ice storm at 3 in the morning. She forgot to text me when she got there and I didn’t hear from her or any of the hospital until 8 and I thought something happened to her. 

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? - I got drunk and woke up in the court yard.. in my boxers. 

If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why? - Nothing, I don’t regret any of it. 

What is your best memory? - Joining hockey. 

What is your worst memory? - I’m not too sure if I’m being honest. 

PART 4: BELIEFS & OPINIONS

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? - optimistic 

What is your greatest fear? - Not going to the NHL 

What are your religious views? - I don’t really know, I don’t focus on religion too much.

What are your political views? - I’m not political 

What are your views on sex? - Do whatever you want, dude. 

Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? - I’ve never been put in the situation, I can’t exactly answer this. 

In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do? - TRIGGER WARNING: rape in any form. Collect child porn. Abuse someone (mentally or physically). abuse animals. There’s so many things I could list here but I’d rather not before I get angry. 

Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? - Yes. 

What do you believe makes a successful life? - Following your dreams and never giving up. 

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)? -  I’m not too open about my feelings a lot of the time when it comes to romantic but other than that, I’m an open book. 

Do you have any biases or prejudices? - I don’t know. 

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it? - I can’t think of anything off the top of my head but I’m sure there’s something. 

Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? - My family and my friends. 

PART 5: RELATIONSHIPS W/OTHERS

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how? - I mean I joke around with people I’m close to but I will first and foremost always respect them and their wishes, I will always make sure they’re okay and happy and never let them down or give up on them. 

Who is the most important person in your life, and why? - My mom, she gave me life, why shouldn’t she be? 

Who is the person you respect the most, and why? - My coach, he puts up with my ass. 

Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people. - I have too many to list but @smythebxstian is a really close friend of mine that I’ll give a shot out to. He’s pretty awesome, I’ll give him that. 

Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person. - No. 

Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened. -  Yes. Things just didn’t work out. 

What do you look for in a potential lover? - Honesty. Loyalty. Sense of humor. Love. Compassion.  Pride. 

How close are you to your family? - Superduperfucking close

Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not? - Unfortunately not, I want to though, soon. 

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? - My mom or brother. Maybe even a friend. 

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? - I protect myself. 

If you died or went missing, who would miss you? - I’d like to think my family and friends. 

Who is the person you despise the most, and why? - I don’t think there really is anyone. 

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict? - Avoid conflict. 

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations? - Yes, a lot of times or when need be. 

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not? - On occasion. 

Do you care what others think of you? - Kind of but everyone isn’t going to think of you as great so there’s always going to be someone who hates you or dislikes you. 

PART 6: LIKES & DISLIKES

What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes? - Hockey. Photography. Looking at the stars. 

What is your most treasured possession? - My camera and first hockey stick from when I was younger. 

What is your favorite color? - purple.

What is your favorite food? - A strawberry and banana smoothie

What, if anything, do you like to read? - I don’t like reading that much. 

What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)? -  Anything that’s got a good tune to it or storyline. 

Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit? - I drink sometimes. 

How do you spend a typical Saturday night? - If i’m not on the ice then I’m chilling with some people. 

What makes you laugh? - Anything. 

What, if anything, shocks or offends you? - Stupidity. 

What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself? - I’ve struggled with insomnia and normally I just study or work out. 

How do you deal with stress? - Not in the best way, I get pretty agitated. 

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan? - Both. 

What are your pet peeves? - I don’t really know. 

PART 7: SELF IMAGES & OTHER

Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted? - I don’t have one, everyday is a new day. 

What is your greatest strength as a person? - My loyalty. 

What is your greatest weakness? - My sometimes self-hate. 

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? - My distance from love. 

Are you generally introverted or extroverted? - Introverted. 

Are you generally organized or messy? - Depends on what you’re talking about. I’m a mixture of both. 

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.  - ( Good ) Hockey. Photography. Being there for people. ( Bad ) Staying still. Not getting aggravated during practice. Letting people in. 

Do you like yourself? - Yes I do. 

What are your reasons for being an adventurer (or doing the strange and heroic things that RPG characters do)? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons…) - I don’t think I understand what you’re talking about. 

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime? - Get recruited to the NHL or become a doctor.  

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? - Playing professional on a team or being a doctor alongside my mom. 

If you could choose, how would you want to die? - Painless or protecting someone. 

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. - Find a way to live a life as a dad or just surround myself with the ones I love. 

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death? - I haven’t really thought about that. 

What three words best describe your personality? - Funny. Down to Earth. Outgoing. 

What three words would others probably use to describe you? - Spontaneous. Loyal. Caring. 

If you could, what advice would you, the player, give to your character? (You might even want to speak as if he or she were sitting right here in front of you, and use proper tone so he or she might heed your advice…)  - N/A

[evansnjames]

No Headlights in Paradise (8/14)

AN- Okay this chapter got out of control in terms of length so I ended up splitting it into two, so that means the next chapter is already written (just a lot of editing needs to be done). Enjoy!

Chapter 8 – Because James Had a Map

Song choice: Faded – Alan Walker

You can read it from the start at ff.net!

It had been exactly two and a half weeks since the operation broke out and Lily found herself constantly listening to the radio awaiting updates. She wasn't the only one, and found out rather quickly that whenever disaster struck the Wizarding community everyone became stuck to their radio sets. It was almost a comical uniting factor if Lily didn't find the situation so petrifying. Most of the news mainly consisted of commentators and experts giving their opinions on Auror logistics, tactical and strategic movements, or comparing previous campaigns to this one.

Updates, and when Lily meant updates, she was actually thinking of dead bodies, only occurred at seven in the morning and seven in the evening. It was explained that during the era of Grindelward, the issue of casualties, both Auror and civilian, became so significant in questioning and criticizing the Ministry, they had feared revolt. The heavy coverage caused such disruption and so severely affected morale, the media decided to take an active approach in reporting fatalities marginally. Personal stories of those killed became laconic at best, and Lily definitely took notice. But whatever the media tried to hide, or not hide, the names came. Names of Muggles, of friends and brothers and sisters. And with each name, Lily waited with baited breath for names she knew, of the name she desperately did not want to hear. It was torture.

So she listened to the radio, and read the news and heard Ministry member after Ministry member explain how the price was painful but the achievement was tremendous. She felt guilty for only thinking about James when it was Smetty sending her letters every few days to up her optimism. James hadn't written, but that didn't stop her from seeing his boyish face every night before she fell asleep. It was curious how war did that to a person. It was as if, in those few weeks in which the campaign had begun and raged, she had forgiven him instantly.

She was a terrible girlfriend, she decided as she read her latest letter from Smetty. He gave her brief updates and always insisted she focus on her end of the year exams instead of the war. And Lily honestly tried, but she was astounded watching daily life resume as normal what with the constant upheaval and news. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had been convinced exams would be canceled but it seemed the operation only had moderate interference with routine.

When Lily mentioned this to Samson, he explained that in times similar to these, social resilience was adopted in order to respond flexibly to such serious disruption so society could bounce back quickly to its previous identity.

"Things aren't exactly 'normal' but it's to allow a temporary lessening of normal functions. It's one of the only things the Ministry is doing right," Samson said sounding so familiar to Smetty that she grumbled at his logic.

Because Lily's idea of dealing with the war was to run around wild like a lunatic, demanding results and retribution. Obviously, she was exactly what they were trying to avoid.

Even so, Lily found studying for exams extremely difficult. Especially without Smetty because yes, Smetty was her boyfriend, but, (and this but made her bite her lips guiltily) he had also been her tutor. And though Lily was talented and gifted, she wasn't that talented or gifted, and it helped having top of his class as her boyfriend. Lily shamed herself for being so selfish when he was probably out in the field handling body parts and blood. She cringed at the image she conjured and then shook herself from her self-interested notions. Yet, throughout the last week of final terms, she took Smetty's word to heart and studied. She couldn't give him much, but was the least she could give.

When she would be alone in her room, she would listen to the radio hearing theory after theory about the goals of this newest campaign. Sienna hated it, telling her constantly to turn it off. But Sienna didn't understand, how could she? Sirius sent her a letter saying everything was fine and even though everything was all right, he would be otherwise unavailable for the summer, as he would be taking a "summer term." Lily had faltered, so close to telling her the truth. But even if she knew she should tell her, she couldn't.

Finally, when Lily completed her last sentence on her last exam, she sighed happily only for a moment. Completing her first year should have been a celebration but she raced back to her flat instead to listen to more news.

"Hey," Lily said as she dropped her book bag and jacket off.

Sienna walked out of her room, carrying a heavy, over-packed suitcase that she could barely hold and glared at Lily as she went to turn on the radio. "Lily, I'm leaving in literally half an hour, please no more radio! I can't with it anymore and its not like someone is saying anything interesting."

Lily glanced at her and rolled her eyes. "You know you're magic, yeah? You can Levitate that."

Sienna gapped at her before brandishing her wand that caused her bag to be carried promptly to the door. "Sometimes I fucking love magic."

Sienna sighed as she fell onto the sofa and looked over at Lily, who was making herself a sandwich. "How was the exam?"

Lily shrugged. "Okay, we'll see I guess."

"I feel like that is how everyone has been this exam period."

"Yeah."

There was a pause.

"Lils," Sienna said and Lily looked up. "Are you sure about this summer?"

With all the fanfare of the war and finals and feeling guilty, Lily hadn't actually considered what to do over the summer holiday. Lily only grasped she needed a plan when Sienna mentioned she would be going home to visit her family. Lily knew right away that she didn't want to be holed up in Cornwall alone for the entire summer as also Caleb, Ezra and Samson wouldn't be there. Ezra was going to be spending a summer learning Healing techniques in the Far East while Samson would begin his Healer-in-Training residency in Paris. Caleb meanwhile decided to volunteer for the Aurors as a Healer-in-Training. She bit her lip thinking about his decision, as it made her nervous. Everything about the situation made her nervous.

But that left Lily without many options. She couldn't exactly show up at her sister's (not that she wanted too), and of any of the friends she had left at Hogwarts they all seemed to be in the Order, so that was out of question. She had thought about subletting another apartment in London but then decided if she would be in London already she would stay in Diagon Alley so she could stay in the known.

"It's completely fine. I have an appointment to see an apartment today."

"Don't you think it's a bit dangerous right now? I've heard… things."

Lily had heard things too about closed streets and disappeared people but as Lily listened to the radio day and night, she understood the fighting was being kept away from the major cities. Both sides had a lot too lose if things lost control in the middle of the city-center. Anyways, wasn't that what Samson had been hammering on about with social resilience? And, she reminded herself pointedly, it wasn't like she had any other options.

"I'm sure," Lily smiled reassuringly.

"You don't want to stay? Or come with?" she started excitedly. "Texas has some good food and my father cooks a darn mean fried chicken." Her southern accent came out and Lily couldn't help but giggle.

"I'll be alright but thank you for the offer," she said as she came over and hugged her. "If I find myself getting restless I'll stop by… but for now I just want to stick around, see what's happening."

Sienna gave her a knowing look and took her by the shoulders. "He's fine, Lily."

"I know that."

"He's in school! Anyways, if something would have happened to him don't you think Sirius would have told you?"

Lily swallowed guilty. "Yeah, right."

"And to tell you the truth, you have a boyfriend! Stop thinking about James Potter."

The guilt, always with the guilt; but no matter how Sienna put it, she didn't know about the Order. Or understand that James and Sirius and almost everyone else she knew from Hogwarts were probably in the thick of it, doing the worst of it. When she closed her eyes, she would randomly have flashes of terror and forced them open again. Nothing was real or understood and it was driving her mad.

Because when she listened to the news she wanted to holler. What about the Order? What about the Aurors? What about all the Muggle borns who had been vanishing or just the Muggles themselves? It was a war being raged against her own kind and she couldn't comprehend why. None of it made sense. What did it matter what her blood was, who her parents were?

But Sienna didn't worry about these things because Sirius had told her otherwise. And she was angry. Angry that Sirius hadn't told Sienna, angry that James hadn't written her, and angry that there was a war at all. She was fuming that she received a letter to register as a Muggle born, that new tax laws were popping up for half-bloods, that conspiracies were being spread and that so many like her were being pushed out of their reality! It was all utterly unfair and ridiculous but the unfairness and ridiculous of it was real. It was something she could grasp too.

"I'm fine, Sienna," Lily said through a false smile. "Enjoy your time with your family."

"If you change your mind…"

"I'll tell you," she said giving her one last hug.

Later that day, Lily found herself strolling aimlessly through Diagon Alley. A ceasefire had been called earlier that day so Lily felt confident enough to walk to the streets alone. Yet, even with people milling the streets, she was desperately finding a way to keep her mind busy. Originally, she had intended to pass the time at Flourish and Blotts but the second she had entered, her eyes zoomed to the area in which she and James had rekindled their doomed romance. She turned around then, and began to walk and walk and walk some more.

It was quieter than usual, Lily observed. There were much less people sitting at the cafes and coffee shops or promenading. And what a shame considering it was summer; usually it was packed to the brim with no extra breath for anyone. Now, it seemed no one had any time to waste and all who came, came and left with a purpose. But Lily, always the odd man out, had nowhere else to be, no one else to see, and an extraordinarily amount of spare time and so she strolled during the ceasefire.

She tried avoiding dangerous areas or dodgy shops, completely staying away from Knockturn Alley. But every now and then she felt a brush of wind against her arm and she would hold her wand a bit tighter. She would look into the window shops to see if someone was following her in the reflection. No one ever was but she imagined she couldn't be the only one fraught with paranoia. It seemed, in today's climate, no one could ever really know who was who.

Lily came across the second-hand bookshop, shrugging as she walked in, explaining to herself it wasn't like she had anything better to do. The door rang at her entrance, and an old, gray haired lady was sitting behind the counter waving her wand as books stacked themselves against the shelves neatly.

When Lily walked in, she looked over at her kindly and smiled.

"Hello, can I help you with anything?" she asked, and her tone was warm, soothing and Lily automatically felt relaxed.

"Thank you… I think I'm just going to look around."

The bookshop owner smiled, almost knowingly and Lily felt a shudder race through her body as she pointed towards the very far corner of the bookshop. "Try that end of that aisle, dear. I feel you might find what you are looking for."

Lily looked at her curiously, unsure, but decided to take her advice. She might as well. She moved slowly the aisles, tracing the books as she walked and taking in the smell of old paper and dust. There was something enchanting and quant about the bookstore, wondering why she never came in before as she admired a particularly old book with a purple and blue casing. She loved books after all.

Lily reached the last stack, smiling when she realized what category it was. Children books. Oh, how she had loved children books growing up, remembering how her father had been forced to read them to her when her mother worked late shifts as a nurse. She giggled, reminiscing the different voices her parents used and the way her and Petunia could never sit still imaging dragons and unicorns and witches… Funny how all her childhood fairytales came true. She wondered then why the gray haired lady had sent her down this path, what did she have to find with old children books besides memories?

She pulled a random book out because of the beautiful gold casing. She traced the title, The Tales of the Beedle and Bard. Unfamiliar, she pulled it out ignoring the dust fairies that huffed angrily as they flew away. She opened its contents reading through the stories, chuckling at the variations of Wizarding tales from Muggle ones. The pictures literally popped off this page and she enjoyed the interaction.

When she finished, she closed the book, putting it back into place when a different title caught her eye. The light reflected against it and Lily paused as she reached for The Seeker and the Snitch. Pulling it off the shelf, the book split open in her arms, sparkling in patience as it waited for her to turn the page but real trepidation stopped her. How many times had she revisited the memory of her releasing the snitch? Wasn't that when it had all started going bad?

Staring at the book that was waiting for her, she finally turned the page, dazzled as the pictures jumped out of the page, sparkling golden against the light, and Lily watched charmed as a snitch flew out of the pages and around the store. The snitch returned to the pages when a young, blue-eyed heroine appeared.

"Adventure awaits!" the heroine said, urging her to turn the page.

Slowly the tale began:

"There once was a young, lonely witch who sought adventure at every winding turn. Every rock, nook, and cranny she would explore, examining pieces of leaves and flowers for secret abandoned treasure. Escaping into the forest one day, she came upon a golden glow. Pulling out her wand, she pointed at the golden shadow to arrive in her hand. But the shadow did not come but moved only further away.

"Incensed, the witch proceeded to chase after the shadow. Into the river, down the stream, up the mountain and around the corner, the witch breathed deeply as she was unable to securely capture her treasure.

"When she came upon a bend in the road, the witch was shocked to discover a friendly tree. She asked the tree if he had seen a golden shadow, and the tree nodded his head, joyfully expressing that only the determined could gain such a shadow. The witch pulled out her wand, raising it to the sky and created a cascade of stars into the night, claiming she was such a witch. The tree let her by.

"She wandered further and deeper into the forest, only stopping at a river for water. Cupping her hands for a taste, she was surprised to see the river smile back at her. She asked the river also if he had seen a golden shadow. The river offered up a fountain of water and explained only those creative enough could reach such a shadow. The witch pulled out her wand creating a waterfall that flowed into the river. The river offered her a bridge.

"Next, she reached the end of a treacherous path with two destinations. Both paths winked at her, expressing the golden shadow was along their path. Yet, the witch being both determined and creative decided that adventure would lead down any path so she took the one to the left.

"And there, at the every end, the witch could finally see the golden shadow. For it wasn't a shadow at all but a round ball with wings in which fluttered into her hand willingly. For adventure waited at any turn, if only when desired."

"Find everything alright, dear?" The bookshop owner asked, startling Lily who jumped, book in hand.

"Yes, sorry I was just… reading," Lily said lamely.

The old woman smiled kindly as she came forward to examine which book and Lily gave it to her. "Ahh, what precious memories."

"Some of my friends from Hogwarts told me about this book," Lily started.

"Funny," the old lady began as she flipped through the pages. "How with time the contents of this particular book evolved. Now it's about declaring love on the Quidditch field but people seem to have forgotten that the book was never about love but seeking one's true self without the help of others."

Lily looked at her thunderstruck as the words she had been holding in for a year were spat out. "I let go of the snitch. I let it go and sometimes I think I cursed us because of it."

Lily had never felt so stupid then she did in that moment talking about her life with a complete stranger. But she couldn't help it. The woman's who was so gentle and calming seemed to listen to Lily as if she understood completely. She had after all sent her into this aisle.

"But dear," the woman said. "The essence of the story would tell you that it should be released into the world, never captured."

Lily swallowed, desperately wanting to believe her but finding it difficult to find the strength. So many people had left her, and when someone had offered her a sense of constancy she had let it go into the world. Though, maybe instead of cursing her and James, she saved herself; she undoubtedly hadn't been ready for whatever he had been offering.

With that realization soaring through her, the bookshop owner handed her the book and Lily clutched it to her chest tightly, unwilling to let it go just yet.

But old lady beamed at her. "Why don't you keep it?"

"Oh, no I can pay…"

"No, I insist. I've never seen this book belong to anyone as much as it calls to you."

Lily smiled gratefully, as she put the book into her book bag and made to exit but the old woman called her back.

"It's never too late, you know."

Her words long echoed in Lily's ears as she decided to take look in the Magical Menagerie. She played with the various animals as she stroked the cats and fed some of the owls. Maybe over the summer she could apply for a job… She was about to head over to the cashier to ask about employment opportunities when she heard her name being called.

"Lily Evans!"

Lily turned her head and her heart sunk dreadfully as she saw Euphemia Potter wave and then start walking towards her. She was dressed impeccably as always, wearing beautifully layered deep purple robes with her brown hair neatly pulled away from her face. She was a woman to be admired, Lily thought as she came closer.

"Mrs. Potter," she said, trying not to sound as if she wanted to be anywhere but in her presence. It was unfair, considering Mrs. Potter had always been nothing but astoundingly pleasant towards Lily. Nevertheless, she was still and always would be, James's mother.

But if Mrs. Potter noticed her hesitation, she overlooked it completely and took her into her arms, giving her a sound hug. It had been, Lily realized, the first time an adult had given her a hug since James had left her… Funny, how it should be James's mother but she hadn't realized how desperately she had needed to be held, to feel as if someone in the world loved her unconditionally, like a mother. Lily fell into the hug, promising herself she would give in temporarily only for this moment.

"It's so lovely to see you. What are you doing in Diagon Alley?"

Her heart fluttered, as Mrs. Potter's arms remained touching her upper one. "I'm looking at a flat to sublease over the holiday."

"Oh," she said a bit surprised. "You wouldn't return back to your sister or friends?"

Being in her presence was making Lily want to cry. She had no inkling why but it was making it impossible for her to speak full, complete sentences as she fought the overwhelming emotion boiling within her. She had to get out of there and quickly before she came off looking like a complete and utter madwoman.

"Me and my sister aren't on the best of terms right now… And my friends are… spread out and working over the summer so I figured I wanted to stay near by, hear what was happening. I actually have an appointment soon so I should better go…"

She pointed randomly behind her, completely unaware as her throat closed up because a small (large) part of her didn't want to go. She wanted to stay in the comfort of Mrs. Potter's company. It was lunacy because she was torturing herself. Everything about Mrs. Potter would lead directly to James but it was as if she couldn't escape her basic desire.

"Oh, well I wouldn't want to keep you. When is your appointment?"

Lily swallowed. "In half an hour."

"Then why don't we stop for a bit of lunch? There is an excellent café down the road. I want to hear all about your studies."

It was her opportunity to deny, to turn around and prove to herself that she could be better, choose better. But she didn't, she couldn't. Lily found herself dumbly walking behind Mrs. Potter, not even fighting it off. She could explain to herself all she wanted that Mrs. Potter wasn't James, but Lily could lie to everyone but she couldn't lie to herself. She wanted to be there with her, and hear and glimpse and maybe for ten minutes imagine a different life.

They settled in the café, a menu appearing before them.

"They have marvelous sandwiches here. Whenever I'm come, Fleamont always insists that I bring him one home. I think the house elf gets offended."

Lily laughed at the antidote, and they both ordered into their plates. A turkey and cranberry sauce sandwich appeared before her as well as a glass of pumpkin juice. She took a bite, and her eyes widened as the food melted in her mouth. It had to be the best sandwich she had ever eaten.

Mrs. Potter gave her a knowing look as she took a bite of her salad. "James tells me you're in the Field Healer program?"

Lily swallowed her bite and nodded her head. "Yes, though after these exams I might live to regret it, they very difficult."

And Lily found herself talking to James's mother openly about her studies and Cornwall and her friends; avoiding the topic of Smetty completely but she did wonder if Mrs. Potter had heard about him. In some ways, Mrs. Potter was the closest thing to a mother figure Lily had left, and Lily missed her mother incredibly. It was almost as if she had forgotten, but not really considering how fast she fallen back into it, what it was like having someone to talk to who listened to her as if they cared.

Time passed quickly in her content and when she looked back at her watch, she jumped.

"Oh, I better get to my appointment," Lily said hurriedly as she pulled out her wallet.

"Absolutely not!" Mrs. Potter said firmly as she paid for their food. "My treat, Lily. It was so great talking to you."

"Thank you, Mrs. Potter," Lily said appreciatively as they both got up, Mrs. Potter with her extra sandwich for her husband.

"Why don't I come with you?" she said suddenly and Lily looked over her startled. "Give you a second opinion, if you don't mind?"

"I wouldn't want to inconvenience you," Lily said even though she wasn't ready to depart from this brief break in reality.

"Don't be silly," Mrs. Potter said gladly as she took hold of Lily's elbow and they made their way towards the flat. "James never willingly let me help him with these things so it's a nice change from forcing myself into situations."

Lily laughed, comforted in her remark as they walked down the cobblestones. The war was happening but it didn't stop the sun from shining, and Lily decided to enjoy the sunshine and people and Mrs. Potter for however long it lasted.

They landed on the flat of blocs, Lily already squirming at the despair of it. A short, chubby, balding man was waiting for her outside with a cigarette hanging out of his lip, and Lily already felt extremely uneasy.

"Lily Evans?" he asked roughly.

"Yes," Lily said trying not to act as disgusted as she felt. "Mort?"

He nodded his head. Normally, her shame would have been contained just for herself, but having brought Mrs. Potter to the shadier part of Diagon Alley made her feel inadvertently awkward.

"The flat's up here," he said. "Gotta climb the stairs, anti-Apparition jinx inside the building is set."

With no elevator, they trudged up the grimy staircase that was narrow and darkened. When they reached the forth floor, a stench reached her nose that had Lily gagging.

Mort looked over at Lily. "Just ignore it, the old lady across the way likes to keep all her cats, dead and alive."

Lily rapidly looked over at Mrs. Potter who acted as if the smell and comment were perfectly normal, and Lily didn't know if she should be grateful or laugh. Mort opened the door and they walked in. It was a very small, damaged flat. The wooden floors hadn't been kept, so there was mold lining the cracks in the floor and wall, splints in the ceiling, and Lily could already hear a small water leak coming from the bathroom. The kitchen was compact with very little room to move, and the bathroom had an odor as if something had been left in there for weeks. It was a disaster.

Lily grimaced as she looked around, noticing how barely three people fit. "How much again?"

"10 galleons a month," Mort said as Lily picked up the broken faucet laying on the counter in the kitchen. "As is."

She took a deep breath, noticing how the floors creaked at any effort. At this point she had run out of options, and unless she wanted to spend the night in the streets, she also didn't have much of a choice. Lily took a deep and reminded herself it was only for the summer.

"Alright then-"

"Absolutely not," Mrs. Potter said interrupting her. She pulled Lily's arm and glanced at Mort, giving him a dirty look. "Thank you but no thank you."

She pulled Lily down the stairs and out of the building, all the while Lily staring in shock at Mrs. Potter. When they exited, Mrs. Potter frowned as she looked back at the falling apart building. "I'm sorry, Lily but I couldn't let you live there."

"Mrs. Potter," Lily began, touched but know thinking what was she going to do? Maybe stay at the Leaky Cauldron, but that would be expensive over time. She had inherited a nice, lump from her parents to last her throughout her studies but she needed to condense it so she wouldn't need to get a job until she completed her Healer training. And with the Muggle reform acts, it didn't look like she would be getting a job anytime soon.

Which she told as much to Mrs. Potter.

"Then I will help you. I'm sorry but I wouldn't be able to sleep at night thinking you were living in such an abomination," and then she added. "James would never forgive me."

"Mrs. Potter, it's very kind of you but I have nowhere else to go."

The words were so pitiful that tears pricked in Lily's eyes unexpectedly. Mrs. Potter took Lily into her arms right away and hugged her. "I never had a daughter," she started thoughtfully. "And there are some things a mother misses out on with just boys running around the house. Oh, me and Fleamont tried but James was a miracle to begin with."

Lily smiled through her tears at Mrs. Potter. "Well, James acts like he's a miracle."

The two women broke out in laughter and Lily couldn't help denying it was comforting to make fun of James even though they both knew he had broken her heart. It was also nice to know that Mrs. Potter still cared enough about her to march her out of there. She wondered if it said more about the way James acknowledged her to his parents or Mrs. Potter's own feelings. Or a combination of both.

"Eventually, Sirius strolled along. But, Lily," she said giving a kind, sideward glance. "I've always considered you part of our family, a daughter of sorts especially considering how James views you.

"You are coming home with me. We have plenty of room."

Lily pulled away, knowing that was the worst idea for a number of blatant reasons. And even knowing how detrimental this idea was her heartbeat raced uncontrollably at the absolute yearning for it. "I can't…"

"I know you and James had an unkindness but he isn't home now. When the operation concludes and he does come home, we can figure it out then but until then, please do stay with us."

"I don't know… I feel like it's a bad idea. For me, mentally," Lily said truthfully.

Mrs. Potter nodded her head knowingly. "Then how about you just stay with us until I can help you find a better dwelling? Let me pretend to have a daughter for a while?"

Lily couldn't help but smile and before she consciously knew what she was doing, she nodded her head in acceptance.

They took the Floo Network back to the Potter household. Lily steadied herself as she wiped off dust that clung to her, and immediately exhaled as she walked into the familiar living room. Mrs. Potter was hanging her belongings when a house elf appeared in thin air.

"Mrs. Potter, Mrs. Potter, where is your shopping?"

"I ended up not getting anything, Swifty. But I ran into Lily Evans. Do you remember her? She is James's friend from Hogwarts, and she will be staying with us. Can you set up one of the guests rooms for her?"

Swifty, the house elf, grinned wildly at Lily. "Of course Swifty remembers Miss Evans! Swifty never forgets Miss Evans! Oh, how you gave the little Master Potter a run for it! Comforted him many times, I did, over Miss Evans and Swifty was very happy too see that you became friends with Master Potter during Christmas."

Lily tried not to blush but considering she was a redhead it was difficult. But before she could respond Swifty Apparated.

"Swifty will set up the guest bedroom for you on the second floor. I'm assuming you already know were everything is? This is your home, for now. If you need anything feel comfortable to ask myself or Swifty and, of course, Fleamont."

Lily nodded, too choked up to say anything and instead took Mrs. Potter into her arms. She seemed to understand, hugging her back and they stood there in the living room for a good moment before Lily pulled away.

"You'll always have a home here, Lily. Please never think differently."

Swifty arrived back promptly. "Your room is ready, Miss Evans!" she squeaked, taking her by the hand and leading her away from a bemused Mrs. Potter.

When Lily entered her guest bedroom, which was much bigger than any bedroom she had ever had before. The tall windows brought in sensational sunshine, and her bed was massive with soft cotton sheets that Lily sunk into. It was so relaxing, an escape from reality of sorts. It was funny, considering James was half the reason she needed an escape from reality, and if she closed her eyes tight enough, it was as if none of it ever happened.

It was a daydream, one she could live in forever if she let herself, especially in this household were everything reminded her of him.

Her eyes closed gradually, laying comfortably in her new surroundings, almost being unfathomable that the opposite of this comfort had been so close to being her future. She drifted off to sleep, warm and stable, protected.

A few hours later, when the sun had already set and the darkness filled the room, she glanced at the clock to see it was six forty five. She gingerly rose to her feet, stretching slightly and wishing she had at least taken her bra off before dozing off. Swifty had obviously come in while she was resting and drawn her curtains.

Noticing her wand on the bedside table, she grabbed it.

"Lumos," she said into the empty room. The light sparked throughout, and Lily noticed somehow her clothing had arrived and already been sorted tidily into the drawer, her suitcase lying closed inside the wardrobe. She shook her head in disbelief, how was this happening?

It had to be a mistake. Staying in James Potter's home with his parents. No good for her health and moving forward would benefit. What was she doing? She marveled at herself. After all her growth and maturity since James had left. But it was temporary, she reminded herself forcedly. Temporary and beneficial because at least now she wouldn't be staying in that dump in Diagon Alley, and now Mrs. Potter would be able to find her a normal flat. Yes, Lily thought to herself. It was part of the solution, and she refused to dig herself further down an unending tunnel.

James wasn't there, James had left, James wasn't coming back.

With that mantra, she opened her door, looking down that hall pointedly ignoring James's room when she halted. What was she going to say to Smetty? Smetty was patient but had a way that could be stringent. And with a certainty that she couldn't prove, Lily knew he wouldn't like this. With a large sigh, she made her way down the corridor, ignoring the regret and the bad decision making skills because she had already made the decision.

Down the stairs, she heard voices coming from the sitting room and walked in to see Mr. Potter and Mrs. Potter sitting on the beige sofa, sipping tea and reading The Daily Prophetto each other. Lily saw the headline reading: "We Are Strong and Will Complete the Mission to the End." They both glanced up at her appearance and Mr. Potter gave her a delighted smile as he got up to hug her fiercely.

"Lily, I'm was so glad when Euphemia told me you would be staying with us," he said warmly, and Lily couldn't help hugging back as his voice and appearance so reminded her of a once-upon-a-time James. "Now, I know my son is a tosser but I can assure you that me and Euphemia have no clue were he got it from."

"Fleamont!"

But Lily couldn't help but grin as she took a seat besides them. "We're just glad to have some action around the house."

"I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'll probably be much quieter then the usual inhabitance."

He roared with laughter as he picked up his tea and took a sip. He grabbed the paper from his wife's hands and threw it on the sitting table. "I can't read this rubbish anymore."

"Fleamont, I want to know what is happening," his wife said patiently as if she had had this conversation one to many times.

"I can tell you what is going on, my wife," he said boastfully.

"Let's not bore poor Lily then."

"I'm actually… interested. It's just," blushing suddenly. "I'm curious to know what other people think besides the news. Sometimes I feel like I'm not seeing the whole truth."

"Well," Fleamont started and Euphemia sighed. "My personal belief is this current operation lacks any strategic goal or any attempts to create new goals or options."

Lily stared fascinated. "Then why would… what's the point? All this death, and for what? I mean it would be one thing if You-Know-Who started this, this campaign but we did, then what is it all for."

"Well not exactly. Voldemort and his groupies, after all, kidnapped those poor Muggle borns and tried to infiltrate the Ministry, so to some extent it was needed. Yet, instead of handling the real problem they are trying to ensure a long period in order to deter them enough that price of attacking Muggles or Muggle borns or causing chaos in the Ministry is too steep. Yet, what they seem to forget is that the other side has no care for the price of life or the cost of war."

Lily would have continued the conversation if Mrs. Potter hadn't gotten up then, seeming to had enough. "We usually eat at seven, Fleamont, and you've delayed us."

"Euphemia, my love, I would never delay the eating of food."

Ignoring her husband and his high handiness, she glanced at Lily. "Would you like to join us?"

"Of course, yes," Lily said happily as she followed them into the kitchen.

The dinner had been delicious, as expected. Lily felt at place with the two of them, furthering her conversation with Mr. Potter and chatting happily with Mrs. Potter about her various social events. In some twisted universe, she knew this was exactly were she was supposed to be, were she should have been the whole time.

Lily had forgotten what it felt like to live in a comfortable house, as not since Hogwarts had anyone cooked, done her laundry or cleaned her room. Every morning she was awakened by the smell of fresh breakfast wafting through the air and a cup of steaming coffee. Swifty, so excited to have someone young to look after, would generously fill the table with pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon and different kinds of sauces to Lily's liking.

Mr. Potter more then once jokingly accused Swifty of liking Lily more than them in which Swifty would blush deep red and squeak her protests.

That specific morning, a week after she had arrived, Lily was awaken to her usual sunshine, and walked down the stairs in her pajamas and dressing robe. This life, this lifestyle, it was as if she returned to being fifteen with no care in the world. Yes, the war was happening and they listened to the radio and read the news but Lily felt more at home there since her parents had died.

She got to the kitchen, Mr. Potter already having head out and Mrs. Potter sipping tea dressed for the day. Like smiled at the comforting scene that had already become familiar.

"Good morning," Mrs. Potter said warmly as Swifty popped up and sat Lily down, handing Lily her morning coffee.

"Good morning," she said happily.

"Miss Evans! Miss Evans! You have post, Miss Evans!" Swifty said as the house elf handed her the letter in which she recognized Smetty's handwriting. She had written him a few days ago, explaining to him what happened and that he should send post to the Potter household, hopeful that he would understand.

She opened the letter discretely, hoping Mrs. Potter didn't notice her furtive hiding of its contents though she was busy reading a Daily Prophet article titled "Dark Lord Leaves Us No Choice."

Dear Lily,

I am happy to hear you have found a place to stay though I can't disguise my surprise that it's at the Potter's. I realize to some extent you are 'family friends' as you've put it, however, it's a bit disconcerting that you've moved into ex-boyfriend's home. I am sure if you had written to me about your predicament, my family would have more then happily taken you in. Nevertheless, the decision seems to have already been made and you mentioned it was only temporary? Has it become permanent yet?

I am doing well. The real battles haven't started as everyone is still in preparation. I saw a few of your friends from Hogwarts, for they stopped at the base for a night to sleep. James was one of them.

"Lily," Mrs. Potter said suddenly, impeding Lily's now pounding heart as she rapidly stashed the letter behind her.

"Yes," she uttered breathlessly.

"You can finish the letter, dear," Mrs. Potter said amused at her reaction.

"Oh, it's nothing," Lily said too quickly. "I'll finish it later."

"Okay," Mrs. Potter said taking a sip of her tea as Lily caught her breath, trying to remain calm. She looked down at the crinkled letter and then back at Mrs. Potter, who pointed to her lap. "Why don't you finish while I help Swifty clean up here."

"Right, then," Lily said pulling out the letter as she watched Mrs. Potter walk out of the room.

We didn't speak long nor did I mention anything; yet, I understood he knew who I was. I promised to tell you if we ever crossed paths, so here I am.

If anything changes, I will let you know. Meanwhile, stay safe.

Smetty

Lily crumpled the letter in her hands, anxiety flowing through her. James had met Smetty and knew who he was. She knew right away that good for nothing prat, Sirius Black, told him. She tried inhaling to calm her shaky nerves but nothing was coming out expect for helpless pants. And she couldn't even pinpoint what she was more nervous about: that Smetty and James came face to face, that she was staying at James's house and Smetty wasn't too happy about it or that James had met her boyfriend all the while she staying at his house.

She groaned as she put her head between her hands. A mess, a hot mess.

She honestly wouldn't have expected anything better from herself.

Mrs. Potter came out of the kitchen and laughed at Lily's state.

"Lily, dear, are you alright?"

Lily looked up at her pouting and nodded. "Yes…"

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, taking a seat.

"Not really," Lily said folding the crumpled letter in her hands.

"Okay. Well, I've been looking for suitable flats for you, like we agreed, and I might have found something. Now it's not in Diagon Alley but in Hollow's Head, a Wizarding community in Manchester but it also means you can be closer to us."

"Oh," Lily said putting down her coffee. She had known this day would come. She after all had told Mrs. Potter that it should be temporary. But if she was honest with herself, she couldn't think of something she wanted to do less.

"The landlord seems kind enough and offered 12 galleons per month. I was thinking we could go today to give it a more formal look."

"Oh, wow. Okay, thank you so much," Lily said, trying to put on her best smile.

"I would, of course, much rather have you stay here with us," Mrs. Potter said giving her a fixed stare.

"I wouldn't want to be a burden," Lily said politely, looking down at her cup.

Mrs. Potter came over then, taking the cup of our Lily's hand and looked at her. "You are not a burden, I thought you understood that already."

"I do… I just, with everything that happened between me and James… we didn't exactly have the cleanest of breaks."

Mrs. Potter considered her thoughtfully. "Lily, I consider you part of my family and you are more then welcome to stay here. It's not up to James but me who resides in this household. I realize things between the two of you are… tricky but I know that James loves you very deeply, and without correlation, so do Fleamont and I."

Tears pricked in Lily's eyes and she looked up at her guiltily. "I have a boyfriend, Mrs. Potter. My letter was from my boyfriend."

She paused, and Lily felt as if she had ruined everything but it had been sitting on her shoulders throughout the week, as if she was given off false promises. Wouldn't their feelings change once they realized she had moved on with someone else? She never viewed her relationship with Smetty as a betrayal towards James (quite the opposite) but staying in his house, being loved by his family… that seemed incredibly unfair.

"Lily," Mrs. Potter said then very firmly. "What happens between you and James and anyone else I will leave between those barriers. I am not here to interfere, and I am after all not your mother. With James I can share my opinion, you however, it is your life and I respect that. When I invited you to live here, I can assure you it was not with any other motive expect for the fact that I have grown to love you as if you are my own.

"Now," she said getting up. "I would ask that you go upstairs and prepare for the day. I am now insisting that you stay here."

Lily gapped at James Potter's amazing mother, wondering if he understood how lucky he was.

Later, Lily sat in her room listening to the Wizarding radio waiting to hear of some real news, not theories or background. But that's all it was: chatter.

"Even if the Ministry and the Aurors believe they won the battle, it is important that the Ministry of Magic conduct investigations into these days of fighting," the commentator began. "This investigation rather than an inquiry: an investigation seeks information on how to conduct the next battle more effectively, whereas an inquiry seeks to discover who is at fault, and who can be blamed for past actions…"

"Lily," Mrs. Potter said, knocking lightly on her open door, and Lily immediately flicked her wand to lower the volume of the radio.

"Sorry," Lily said sheepishly. "I think I am addicted."

"No need to apologize. I've been listening to my fair share of the radio but I must say, I'm starting to agree with Fleamont. Anyways, I wanted to check that you have everything you need and if not, please let me know and I'm sure Swifty would be happy to fetch them for you," she said coming further in the room and sitting on the bed.

Right away, Lily could feel there was something on her mind. It wasn't hostile or concerned but an unsure tone, and Lily Evans had never seen the sophisticated Mrs. Potter questioning of herself before.

"I wanted to discuss something with you," she began, folding her arms.

"Yes?"

"We've always had an open household here. James may be a bit rambunctious but he has always kept me and Fleamont in the loop, no detention unheard of. And I feel as a member of this household you should also be included."

Lily nodded tentatively, questioning what exactly Mrs. Potter was trying to tell her.

"I sent post to James today informing him that you would be staying with us during the summer holiday."

Lily bit her lip hard, the validation of it all causing her heart to race. "Of course, he's your son… he should know whose staying in his house."

"James would want to know and I felt uneasy about keeping this from him now that it has become permanent. However, I informed him that you were my guest, and that if otherwise instructed, he was to leave you alone."

Lily couldn't help the smile that spread, as it was pretty clear that if James listened to one person in his life, it was his mother, no questions asked. "Thank you, Mrs. Potter."

"I think it's about time you call me Euphemia, don't you?"

Lily nodded at her gratefully. "Thank you, Euphemia."

Mrs. Potter got up, preparing to exit when Lily called out unexpectedly, not even aware what was to come out of her mouth. "Did he respond?"

Mrs. Potter gave her a coy smile. "I sent it only this morning but when he responds would you like me to tell you?"

Lily shook her head quickly, inwardly shaming herself for even thinking such a thing. She had a boyfriend. "No, no. No, sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"As you like."

And so the days passed into weeks and Lily found herself the happiest she had ever been considering. She was being well looked out, sought after and loved. She had become part of the Potter daily routine and she suddenly understood where James's complete and utter arrogance came from. It was a privilege to be surrounded by logical, rational and supportive people like his parents.

With the operation continuing, the radio was played at all times of the day in joints, cafes, and anywhere their was public gatherings. It seemed expected from the Wizarding community this constant need to be involved in the war considering everyone felt they had something at stake or knew someone or other involved. Wizarding media was having a field day too; interviewing anyone they could get their hands on from random Muggle borns to families of Auror's to government officials. Pictures printed in the Daily Prophetshowed various Wizarding towns and areas like Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley damaged in their infrastructure including boarded up windows, many shops closing for the summer, or complete abandonment. Many Wizarding journalist themselves weren't safe as a few were seriously injured in the crossfire, with two reported missing and three killed while on duty.

All summer programs had been canceled and a request put out that all people to stay at home and protect their households with Shield Charms and anti-Apparition barriers. The Ministry had also put a strict rule that a gathering of hundred or more people were banned. Due to the trajectory of random attacks, many Wizarding known locations like the entrance to the Ministry or 9 ¾ Quarters were rerouted. Many Wizarding experts and commentators heavily criticized the Ministry for these new regulations, expressing that these decisions were driving up anxiety and caused considerably more damage than the potential danger it prevented. Lily strongly wondered what all this war and destruction would do to the mental health of young children… and if constant powerful spells on Muggles affected them at all, or even wizards.

Meanwhile, Lily joined Mrs. Potter to various social outings throughout the day that supported Aurors to ensure they received home cooked meals, buying useful or missing weapons to assist them or raising funds. It was an aspect of the Magical world she had never been privy too but she noticed right away was rooted deep in traditional Wizarding culture. She suddenly understood why Ezra and Caleb made fun of Samson so much for attending these events.

Not that she doubted Mrs. Potter, but it was astonishing the way in which blood ties ran deep and those around her didn't even notice there sense of privilege. Mrs. Potter was fully aware but her friends seemed to believe that because they supported Muggle bornsthen they could also joke about Muggle borns. Mrs. Potter always reassured her never to pay attention to their ill mannerism, as these ladies appeared unaware of Lily's own status as a Muggle born. Yet, the root of the dark rebellion was more prominent then she had ever understood. For the stereotype existed, and though many of these people supported the Ministry and the cause against the dark rebellion, they had a complete lack of awareness towards their own bias.

How many times had she heard in hushed tones: "Oh, we need to help those poor Muggle borns, I'm mean, obviously they wouldn't be able to survive without our support."

Dazed and a bit bored at one of these events, one of Euphemia's friends pointed out Lily's necklace.

"It's a beautiful, a Patrnous necklace, correct?" she asked as Lily played with the stag on her chest unconsciously.

Lily looked up at her perplexed. "Uh, I don't know. It was a gift."

"Most definitely a Patrnous necklace," the lady continued as Lily tried to ignore Euphemia's curious stare.

Lily had begun wearing the stag necklace a few days after she had moved in. She didn't know why but it made her feel closer to him, as if she could feel that he was safe. Some days it would heat to the point of burning while others it remained cold and lifeless against her chest. It felt different than the doe necklace before it but she couldn't explain why.

James was occasionally brought up during breakfast and throughout the day, but never in the mention of their tense relationship or encouragement of them. Their seemed to be unwritten rule, that the Potter's understood, in which Lily wanted to know if he was safe but never wanting to actually talk about it. Not with his parents anyways. She had briefly mentioned her living status to Sienna who in return had a complete meltdown of excitement via letter that Lily literally felt it across the pond. After that, she tried not to mention it to anyone else.

Lily found herself wanting to do more though. She heard of random attacks throughout London in Muggle heavy populations causing the Ministry to urgently conjure Obliviation spells throughout communities. Almost 20 Muggles had been killed and many more seriously injured. St. Mungo's had been overpopulated and Lily heard they had opened hospitals and clinics throughout the country to accommodate, and needed trained wizards and witches to volunteer.

Mr. Potter suggested she volunteer at one of these clinics when she told him of her need to help.

"But I have no qualifications."

"Lily, you are studying to become a Healer," Mr. Potter said to her as if it was the most obvious thing. "You are more qualified than most."

"But I only finished my first year."

But Mr. Potter set it up. Slightly outside of London, Lily found herself four days a week tending to the wounded Aurors. Some recovering from breaking bones or missing limbs, others recovering from harsh spells, those who fell ill. But mainly anyone who she came upon would already be in the recovery stage, or the last stage. She mainly wrapped badges, kept company, and applied lethal amounts of dittany. She found herself meeting new sorts of wizards and witches from all over the United Kingdom; many telling her their heroing tales and Lily spending amble amounts of time laughing and cheering up those who let her.

She was badging up a wizard's leg that had been caught in the crossfire of Fiendfyre. He had suffered from severe burns but slowly was recovering. Yet, since he had entered the clinic, Lily couldn't help but notice his hollow eyes. After she patched him up, she sat with him, talking about anything though he gave no reaction but with no reaction. In a dull in her talking, he turned to her, his face scared.

"I don't think it's worth it."

Startled, she answered, "What?"

"Everything, this war. What's it really about other then death?"

She gulped at his aching attitude and Lily wanted to comfort but there was nothing she could say. She agreed with him.

"What's it like?"

He looked at her with his hollow eyes. "Dark, you can never see were you are going because even daylight is blinding."

These stories chipped away at her. What was the cost of this war? Where was the value for human life? Everything that was covered in the press seemed to focus that these people suffered for national pride. A focus on the bereavement was minimal. But were these lives a justification for fighting? Samson had sent her a letter letting her know that Caleb had been badly injured but was in recovery. These people that she knew and loved… when was it going to end?

Volunteering, and seeing all these faces, she couldn't help but constantly look for James. She knew that he was safe but she couldn't help but imagine him there one day. Some nights she lay awake so worried about him it was as if she couldn't breathe. There would be times when she even got out of bed and found herself wandering towards his room, opening it slightly only to get a waft of him and run out. In her dreams they would meet in sunlight, and she would wake up from the guilt and sweat they caused her.

She would also have to remind herself constantly throughout the day that she had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who was also on the battlefield. He had written her throughout the operation, taking deep measures to keep her clam but remain truthful.

This night, she lay again awake, remembering the news of the day, the names of those who died. She stared at the ceiling, playing with her stag, feeling the warm heat against her hands. She wondered what James was doing in that moment and if he was safe, when she heard a tapping at the window.

She turned her head and saw an owl, flapping its wings patiently as she quickly got up and let him in. She released the note attached to his leg looking around for something to give him when she realized the owl knew his surroundings very well. It was James's owl.

Her heart thumping, she looked down at the letter and right away recognized James's scrawl. She swallowed thickly and sat uselessly back on her bed. She had always believed it was better for her never to have heard from him. For as long as she didn't hear from him, he was safe and secure and nothing horrible was happening to him thus he didn't need to contact her. Because she had always known that if it would have gotten bad, really bad, he would tell her.

But here she was, holding his letter in her hands.

She shut her eyes tightly before ripping it open.

Dear Lily,

I realize this letter well arrive to you a bit unexpected and there is a good chance you are uninterested in receiving it. My mother told me not to harass you and Sirius let me know you have a boyfriend... either way I wanted to send you this letter. If this war taught me anything is that shame and regret are impractical.

First, I am okay. The war is tough and not easy on any of us. I have witnessed and done things I wish for no one. Every day I want to come home but that feels far away. It makes it easier knowing that when I eventually do come home, you'll be there... maybe you didn't want to know that but it's true. I was thrilled to hear you are staying with my parents. I can't deny that I'm glad that something in this horrible war has lead me closer to you.

I told myself I had to write you, at least once to try. I am sorry for my behavior, how I let you feel in these last months. You have to understand that my intentions were always that the both of us wouldn't get hurt in this process. But my approach might have been rash and ultimately wrong as I ended up hurting you, the most important person to me. You never were or will be something casual and I did take every minute of us together seriously.

I started to realize throughout the weeks a few things. I know I made a mess of it and I don't deserve to send you this letter… but I'm doing it anyways. When I left you that morning, I was confused and worried and wanted to protect you. I'm still in love with you.

I'll accept it if you think this letter is a little too late but you're the worth the risk. And I'm sorry if I ever gave you feeling that you weren't.

Love,

James

Lily stared shocked to her absolute core. Reading it over and over again to make sure she hadn't imagined it. When she read the letter for the sixth time she realized that maybe he was expecting a response but that only jumbled her thoughts deeper into the pit she had entered. All she seemed able to process was to reread the letter, her eyes flashing against the words I'm still in love with you.

Her heart pounded fiercely, wondering were exactly she was expected to go from there. Was it the mature path, the cowardly one? If all those years and months and days with James had not taught her anything and she responded to his message, what did it say about her? Of course, she was almost giddy, screaming with supreme justification that he had finally wrote her, finally acknowledged her, finally wasn't a coward… But just because he wrote her did it mean that she needed to accept it? Or even more so, just because he wrote her it didn't change anything at all. For in the end, all James had provided her were words on a paper, not even a promise on the paper.

A creeping sense of guilt climbed her spine too. She was staying in his home; his parents had taken her in because James had included her so thoroughly in his gang of friends. It was awkward as she considered were the thin line sat between guilt and obligation. This had always been a possibility, and Lily had known she would eventually run into James. But did she have to sacrifice herself?

So Lily decided in that moment she wasn't going to respond. His words were comforting, almost egotistical, but they couldn't erase what had happened because Lily reminded herself of that morning, alone, abandoned and how cold she had felt afterwards knowing she hadn't even been worth an explanation.

After all, James had left her without saying goodbye, why couldn't she do the same?

TBC