#i forgot to mention the most salient part of all this

[kalikoke]

Came across some garbage "advice" from someone claiming to be a dog trainer on YouTube.

[hacawijo]

Alright, If We’re Gonna Play with Az’s Bonus Chapter, Let’s PLAY with Az’s Bonus Chapter (Pt. 1)

I’m going to do a close reading of this bonus chapter, because this whole thing is stressing me out and I want to write out what I think I know what I definitely know and what I’m worried about. Here. We. Go. 

I’m not going to directly quote supporting info in this post, but I will be using a LOT of quotes in the next few weeks, so if anyone wants me to confirm a certain statement I’m making here just let me know and I’ll drop the receipts :)

Also this is super long but I had a lot of thoughts I’m excited about! My commentary is in bold italics!

The river house had finally fallen quiet after the raucous Winter Solstice party, the faelights dimming to cast little pools of gold amid the deep shadow here is an example of contrast between light and dark, which many have made salient points on regarding the counterbalance of Elain/Azriel and their relationship of the longest night of the year.

Amren, Mor, and Varian had finally gone to bed, but Azriel found himself lingering downstairs.

He knew he should get some sleep. He’d need it come dawn, for the snowball battle up at the cabin. Cassian had mentioned no less than six times tonight that he had a secret plan regarding his so-called impending victory. Az had let his brother boast. Especially since Azriel had been planning his own victory for a year now. Had been planning his own victory for a year now, and had one the past 199 years’ worth of fights.

Cassian wouldn’t know what was coming for him. And Az fully planned on capitalizing on the fact that Nesta likely wouldn’t let Cassian sleep much tonight.

Az snickered to himself, to the listening shadows around him. Note the differentiation between himself and the shadows around him - he snickers to them outside of himself, as they are not HIM, they are his companions.

Sleep, they seemed to whisper in his ear. Sleep.

I wish I could, he answered silently. But sleep so rarely found him these days. Again, engaging in a conversation with them. Though he does say that they SEEMED to whisper sleep, which is interesting. He seems to communicate with them beyond worded language, this is a case where he’s translating whatever that communication is into words.

Too many razor-sharp thoughts sliced him any time he grew still long enough for them to strike Yeah this guy needs some therapy for sure, love him but this feels very much like the state of avoidance that Nesta found herself in. Too many wants and needs left his skin overheated and pulling taut across his bones. so he slept only when his body gave out, and even then only for a few hours. This feels very much like an extreme, one that certainly didn’t exist all of the time with Mor (otherwise he’s truly not been sleeping for…ever). I have a very, very hard time believing he would have this reaction because of lust or a coveting kind of obsession.

Azriel surveyed the empty family room, presents and ribbons littering the furniture. Cassian and Nesta hadn’t reappeared downstairs, though that came as no surprise. He was elated for his brother, and yet...

Azriel couldn’t stop it. The envy in his chest. Of Cassian, and Rhys. This is almost exactly the sentiment expressed by Cassian in ACOFAS/ACOSF

He knew he’d be swallowed by it if he went up to his bedroom, so he’d remained down here by the dying light of the fire.

But even the silence weighed too heavily, and though the shadows kept him company, as they always had, as they always would, he found himself leaving the room. Entering the foyer. Entering the foyer for what? Entering in order to go to bed? Or was he drawn there, somehow knowing Elain would be there? I really don’t know the answer and I don’t have a preference as to whether or not they are mates, but it’s worth thinking about. Also important to note that the SHADOWS ARE NOT ENOUGH FOR AZRIEL. They are his friends, an important coping mechanism, but they are not the sum of who he is, nor do they even represent the part of himself that is most realized or fulfilled.

Soft steps padded from under the stair archway, and there she was.

The faelights gilded Elain’s unbound hair, making her glow like the sun at dawn. She halted, her breath catching in her throat. Again, imagery to highlight a contrast between the two of them, Elain as the sun at dawn. Note that it’s talking about dawn, not day. SJM has repeatedly used language about Summer, Dawn, Spring and such to describe Elain, which makes me wonder if her light is meant to transcend the courts - in the same way that the shadows are not the sum of Azriel, the sun (the Day, the Dawn, Spring, Summer etc.) is not the sum of Elain.

“I...” He watched her swallow. She clutched a small gift in her hands. “I was coming to leave this on your pile of presents. I forgot to give it to you earlier.” One thing I noticed on closer examination, she went downstairs to leave it in his pile, not to see him. I wonder if it hurts her to be around HIM as well. Elain has said several times in this book (either on the page or in second- or third-hand account) that she is committed to this court, and I wonder if that same commitment that had her going to the Hewn City is what also has prevented her from ending things with Lucien. It’s not in her nature to be disingenuous, and so she cannot fake certain feelings for him, but it IS in her nature to be selfless, and she probably understands what their mating bond means and how important Lucien’s alliance is. I wonder also if she is unsure as to Azriel’s feelings or if she knows somehow, as Azriel sort of implies she might below.

Lie. Well, the second part was a lie. He didn’t need his shadows to read her tone, the slight tightening of her face. She’d waited until everyone was asleep before venturing down, where she’d leave her gift amongst his other, opened presents, subtle and unnoticed. This is another instance in which Azriel sees her when no one else does, even when she’s not intending or someone to see her. Also, of course, important to note that he can read her without his shadows - a crutch that he uses in interactions with many other people.

Elain closed the distance, and her breathing quickened as she again paused, now a scant foot away. She extended the wrapped gift, her hand shaking. “Here.” Elain makes ALL the moves in this scene - she approaches him, she asks him to put the necklace on her, she leans in, she says yes etc. etc. I think Azriel is actually very respectful and restrained throughout this whole interaction.

Az tried not to look at his scarred fingers as they took the gift. Azriel is ashamed of his scars, and is ashamed of them with Feyre and Mor as well as Elain, this is an across-the-board part of his characterization. She hadn’t bought her mate a present. But she’d gotten Azriel one last year — a headache powder he kept on his nightstand at the House of Wind The headache powder: proof that Elain has been seeing him - specifically seeing him rub his temples. Not to use, but to look at. Which he’d done every night he’d slept there. Or attempted to sleep there.

Azriel unwrapped the box, glancing at the card that merely said, You might find these useful at the House these days, and then opened the lid. Elain is not a casual person, she can’t even handle it when Feyre (her sister) tries to talk to her and Nesta (her other sister) privately about High Fae menstruation. For every lack of flourish or formality that Elain gives Azriel, that is another measured degree of comfort she feels with him - she wouldn’t give an unsigned, familiar note to just anyone.

Two small, bean-shaped fabric blobs lay within. Elain murmured, “You put them in your ears, and they block any sound. With Nesta and Cassian living there with you...”

He chuckled, unable to suppress the impulse. “No wonder you didn’t want me to open it in front of everyone.”

Elain’s mouth twitched into a smile. “Nesta wouldn’t appreciate the joke.” Elain and Azriel have similar senses of humor. Not necessarily in content, but in the way it sort of crops up off-the-cuff and sometimes unnoticed. I like that Elain makes him laugh.

He offered a smile back. “I wasn’t sure if I should give you your present.”

He left the rest unspoken.  Because her mate was here, sleeping a level up. Because her mate had been in the family room and Azriel had needed to stay by the door the whole time because he couldn’t stand the sight of it, the scent of their mating bond, and needed to have the option of leaving if it became too much.

Elain’s large brown eyes flickered, well aware of all that. Just as he knew she was well aware of why Azriel so rarely came to family dinners these days. Alright so, this is really curious. Does this mean that they both seem to be aware of the other’s feelings AND aware that the other is aware of their feelings? I really do wonder if, in this case, Az is an unreliable narrator- maybe assuming more certainty of Elain than she actually has. Again, I don’t think he would have such a visceral reaction to Elain and Lucien being in the same room (and not even close to each other at all) if he was just infatuated or in lust with her

But tonight, here in the dark and quiet more juxtaposition, with no one to see... no one to see, except the two of them, who always see more than others and who always see each other more than anyone else He pulled the small velvet box from the shadows around him. Opened it for her.

Elain sucked in a soft breath that whispered over his skin. His shadows skittered back at the sound. They’d always been prone to vanish when she was around. If Azriel is aware of the fact that his shadows disappear around Elain, and is still almost certainly in love with Elain, I think we can gather that it’s a positive thing for his shadows to give them privacy- which- btw, is what I think they are doing. The shadows feel to Azriel, to me, the way that the HoW feels to Nesta. The HoW doesn’t dislike Cassian, but also doesn’t need to be as diligent with Nesta when he’s around, because the House trusts Cassian with her.

The golden necklace seemed ordinary — it’s chain unremarkable, the amulet tiny enough that it could be dismissed as an everyday charm. It was a small, flat rose fashioned of stained glass, designed so that when held to the light, the truth depth of the colors would become visible. A thing of secret, lovely beauty. So I don’t think he’s saying that Elain is a thing here. I think he’s saying that HIS FEELINGS for her are a thing of secret, lovely beauty. It’s been made pretty clear that Elain’s physical AND inner beauty are decidedly visible and prominent. She is, the opposite of secret- though she is often described as lovely. I think what’s more interesting here is the time dedicated to describing this gift and the time dedicated to describing Lucien’s gift of pearl earrings (more on that later, but spoiler-alert, that’s the extent of the description)

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, lifting it from the box. The golden faelight shone through the little glass facets this word choice is notable because it’s an indication of layers and depth and different sides, setting the charm glowing with hues of red and pink and white. Azriel let his shadows he let them do it, again the way he interacts with his shadows does not make it seem like they ARE him. It would probably say “Azriel’s shadows whisked away the box” or “Azriel used his shadows to…” etc. whisk away the box as she said softly, “Put it on me?” Again, Elain is driving the action

His head went quiet. But he took the necklace, opening the clasp as she exposed her back sweeping her hair up in one hand to bare her long, creamy neck. That this situation is described in such slow, delicate detail evokes a sense of intimacy and gravity to the reader. Every tiny piece of this little bite of interaction means something to Azriel and probably to Elain.

He knew it was wrong, but there he was, sliding the necklace around her. Letting his scarred fingers touch her immaculate skin this word choice is admittedly a little strange, but the use of this and later of the word sacrilege is FAR from the first time SJM uses religiously-coded language to describe a romantic/sexual/intimate situation. In this very book, Cassian describes his sex with Nesta “as close to a religious experience” as he’d ever gotten - furthermore, there is often talk of the worship of bodies. More on this in another post! ALSO, of course he thinks about touching her in relation to himself. He is himself, for one thing, for another, one of the most reinforced aspects of Azriel’s character that has been made clear to us as readers is his belief that he is unworthy. This comes up not at all just with Elain, it comes up everywhere. It comes up when Azriel volunteers for the most dangerous assignments, it comes up with Mor A LOT, it comes up with Rhys and Cassian. I HAVE A LOT MORE TO SAY ABOUT AZRIEL SO I JUST NEED TO STOP TYPING RIGHT N. Letting them brush the side of her throat, savoring the velvet-soft texture. Elain shivered that’s hot and he took a damn long time fastening the clasp.

Azriel’s fingers lingered at her nape, atop the first knob of her spine SUCH precise language, so agonizing. Slowly, Elain pivoted into his touch. Until his palm lay flat against her neck.

It had never gone this far. They’d exchanged looks, the occasional brush of their fingers, but never this. Never blatant, unrestricted touching. Another important line in reiterating the fact that there are two people participating in this interaction and the broader relationship, with the use of ‘exchanged’ and ‘their.’ It could easily also say something like, “Azriel had never gone this far. She’d sometimes caught him looking at her and he her, and every so often he’d taken the risk of brushing his fingers against hers.” Elain’s agency in these interactions and this relationship is SO IMPORTANT! It is the difference between Az viewing Elain as a two-dimensional and unattainable figure and as a real person with wants and needs.

Wrong — it was so wrong. Azriel knows, just as well as Rhys, what is at stake in Elain’s relationship with Lucien. He also has reverence for the mating bond in the same way that many other fae and faeries do. Of course he thinks it’s wrong!

He didn’t care.

He needed to know what the skin of her neck tasted like. What those perfect lips tasted like. Her breasts. Her sex. He needed her coming on his tongue — There is literally so much talk in Feysand and Nessian of tasting and eating out. Both Rhys and Cassian make it very clear that they spent a lot of time thinking about what their partners would taste like and how they might go about finding out for sure.

Azriel’s cock strained behind his pants, aching so fiercely he could hardly think. He prayed she didn’t peer down. Prayed she didn’t understand the shift in his scent.

He had only allowed himself these thoughts in the dead of night. Because he knows it’s a fool’s hope. He never thinks about this as a viable path! Had only allowed his hand to fist his cock and think about her then, when even his shadows had gone to sleep again a recognition of the separation between him and his shadows. How that beautiful face might appear as he entered her, what sounds she’d make. See above: Nessian and Feysand are just as dirty and graphic (especially Nessian) and Rhys and Cassian are JUST AS WORSHIPFUL of their partners.

Elain bit her lower lip, and it took every ounce Azriel’s restraint to keep from putting his own teeth there.

“I should go,” Elain said, but made no move to leave. Again, they are BOTH cognizant, I think, of the risks and dynamics at play here.

“Yes,” he said, his thumb sweeping in long strokes along the side of her throat.

Her arousal drifted up to him, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head at the sweet scent. He’d beg on his knees for a chance to taste it Rhys’s WHOLE THING is that he kneels before Feyre in reverence. But Azriel just stroked her neck again. SJM repeatedly uses the scent of arousal as a way to confirm sexual interest beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Elain shuddered, drifting closer. So close one deep breath would brush her breasts against his chest. She looked up at him, her face so trusting and hopeful and open that he knew she had no idea that he had done unspeakable things that sullied his hands far beyond their scars. I personally think this is Azriel being self-deprecating. I think that Elain is a seer, and probably has some idea of what Azriel does. Does this mean he puts her on a pedestal or that he views her as pure? It’s possible, but I think Azriel views most people whom he loves as pure compared to himself in one way or another— even Cassian. There is a line I’ll cite eventually where Rhys muses on the similarities between himself and Azriel, since Rhys is the only person Azriel allows to see the full scope of his rage. Ditto with the pedestal.

Such terrible things that it was a sacrilege same story as my point above on the word immaculate, but again I do totally admit that it’s a strange word. I just think that we have had so little of Azriel’s perspective that we can’t really say whether this is a perversion of his connection to Elain or if this is a regular sort of attitude for him for his fingers to touch her skin, tainting her with his presence.

But he could have this. This one moment, and maybe a taste, and that would be it. AND THAT WOULD BE IT. HE DOESN’T THINK IT WILL GO FURTHER!

“Yes,” Elain breathed, like she read the decision. You fucking go Elain get that ass Just this taste in the dead of the longest night of the year, where only the Mother interesting choice of words given Nesta’s association with the Mother and Nesta’s apparent tacit acceptance of Azriel’s feelings for Elain (more on that later) might witness them.

Azriel’s hand slid up her neck, burying in her thick hair. Tilting her face the way he wanted it. Elain’s mouth parted slightly, her eyes scanning his before flirting shut.

Offer and permission. OFFER AND PERMISSION. ELAIN WANTS THE SHADOWSINGER D!!!!!

He nearly groaned with relief and need as he lowered his head toward hers.

Azriel. And suddenly, the one time they both are comfortable with how they’re being seen (that Azriel is being seen by no one else BUT Elain, that Elain is finally being seen intimately, by someone, in the dark, namely, AZRIEL)

Rhys’s voice thundered through him, halting him mere inches from Elain’s sweet mouth.

Azriel. So if you were to ask me what the biggest sign of Elriel’s longevity in this chapter is, it is this: that they did not kiss. SJM built a very tightly worded and wound tension around this moment with her language, and.  the fact that it is not fulfilled is frustrating, right? We know that he touched the knob of her spine - we know that she shivered. For that level of intimacy not to end in a kiss, means something. Rhys could easily have interrupted them after their lips had already touched, and if this relationship were a device serving another, that’s what would have happened.

SJM knows that the tension is built and unfulfilled, and I think she also knows that this wouldn’t have been the right time for them to have their first kiss - which is what I think many readers have noticed in so many words. Where my thoughts differ is that I think SJM is walking a line between romantically coding the moment AND acknowledging that this moment is not ideal, and that it doesn’t deserve to be fulfilled satisfyingly, especially given Azriel’s self-loathing. MORE LATER :) Which should maybe be my catchphrase.

Also, them not kissing can’t just be about the fact that it’s a bonus chapter. You can’t make that argument about their not-kiss and then argue that the interaction with Gwyn is essential to the coming story. Which, I think it is significant, by the way, I’m just not sure how yet :P

Unrelenting command filled his name, and Azriel looked up. Rhysand stood atop the staircase. Glowering down at them.

My office. Now.

Rhys vanished, and Azriel was left standing before Elain, who still awaited his kiss. His stomach twisted as he pulled his hand away from her hair and stepped back. Forced himself to say, “This was a mistake.” UGH. The capital P Pain.

She opened her eyes, hurt and confusion warring there before she whispered, “I’m sorry.” See, this reaction makes me think that she is not as aware of his feelings as he thinks she is. That she later returns the necklace (or did she?) reinforces this. I think that if she was certain how he felt about her, she would be frustrated and maybe angry in the way that she has responded to Feyre’s comments about her mating bond with Lucien, not hurt and confused.

“You don’t — Don’t apologize,” he managed to say. “Never apologize. It’s I who should...”  He shook his head, unable to stand the bleakness he’d brought to her expression. “Goodnight.” But at least it definitely confirms her feelings to Azriel.

PART II IS BEING POSTED BACK-TO-BACK!

[fanficsandfluff]

The Snyder Cut: Headcanons (mostly of the tickly nature)

Bruce Wayne (Batman) ~ Batfleck, my love

He’s such a lover boy, and I can say that though I don’t exactly know how to explain what I mean. You just gotta understand.

He cares so strongly about EVERYONE. e v e r y o n e. Alfred, fucking loves the guy, jokes with him. The fucking “This is Alfred, I work for him.” MY MAN, STOP!

I think he just really wants to get along with everyone and wants everyone to get along in general.

But he lowkey crushes on Diana (at least in his mind, he’s keeping it lowkey, but we all see what’s happening)

I love the idea of this big hunk of a man getting soft with someone like Diana. 

She makes him genuinely laugh this one time by saying something funny, and then they’re both laughing together. 

Bruce definitely has one of those laughs where he throws his head back and shit and you can see his like Adam’s apple bobbing and everything.

But that’s if he’s really laughing.

And he has loud “HA”’s that are like really short but loud and then he kinda just snickers to himself for a while, holding his stomach.

And dude, the scene in freaking uhh… i think it’s BvS I’m not 100% (maybe i fucking imagined it who knows) where she like comes over to him and is fixing his wound….. tickle scenario hand picked from the gods right there

I can see a whole, “Woah!” from Bruce when Diana traces her fingers on some sensitive skin. And that Gal Godot smile is on her in an INSTANT. 

Bruce will laugh if he’s with the right person. Like I headcanon that if he’s being tickled, he will laugh if it’s done by Diana or Barry, then like he’ll be forced to laugh if it’s Clark bc he overpowers the poor bat, but then he just has these hilarious bouts of angry growls and chuckles if Arthur is going after him. 

I can’t even write about Batfleck being a ler because I will literally explode, so I’m done here 

(((((butseriouslyifanyonewantstotalklerbatfleckwithmehmuplz)))))

Diana Prince (Wonder Woman) 

I know the GIF isn’t from ZSJL but just let me live, ok? (Also I couldn’t find the one of Gal wiggling her fingers YOU KNOW THE ONE I’M TALKING ABOUT)

First off, Gal is the most horrible queen of giggles. I’ve seen those blooper reels. My god, girl, how do you keep getting hired?

SHE HAS SUCH A BIG SMILE IT’S LIKE THE ROCK IDK HOW THEIR TEETH AND MOUTH GET SO WIDE LOOKING

Diana will start tickle fights without a doubt.

She’s already very trustful and I also feel pretty handsy with people, especially those she may feel close to. So if she’s playful, you best watch out.

Her favorite targets are Bruce and Barry. I will not take criticism. Diana attacking Barry and reducing him to panicky shrieky laughs is my #1 thought. It’s not even living rent free, I’m commissioning it to be there.

Diana is one to laugh with her victims. She will wreck them and have a great time doing so. 

She’ll be ticklish if she wants to be, but it isn’t often she gets pinned and tickled or anything like that.

The guys try to stay away from her or not go after her with tickles for fear of retaliation.

AQUAMAN, CYBORG, SUPERMAN, AND THE FLASH UNDER THE CUT

Arthur Curry (Aquaman)

So…. my man isn’t really ticklish. I really don’t think he is, I feel like his Atlantean genes make his skin a special kind of hard, if that makes sense?

THAT BEING SAID ARTHUR IS THE BIGGEST LER OMGGG

He’ll try and act all cool and ‘whatever’ around the League cuz that’s kind of his persona.

But he slowly gets to like them more and more and his playful side starts to come out.

He’ll tickle Barry out of pure annoyance. Like if Barry makes any kind of comment, he’ll just point his finger out and get that glint in his eye and Barry is sprinting for the hills.

Here’s my favorite headcanon: Arthur will tickle Bruce because he knows it pisses him off when he does it. Bruce will fight back and keep Arthur in his sights at all time and curse and growl at him. And Arthur thinks it’s hilarious.

Arthur as a ler will taunt and tease until the cows come home

“Huh, big guy? What’s that? Ahawww that’s what I thought!... Not so fast/tough/etc. now!... I will wreck you.”

Victor Stone (Cyborg)

Unfortunately… not ticklish. :(

But this boy has the sweetest laugh you will ever hear, and I will die on that hill. 

Now that he has friends (superpowered friends, no less), he can slowly come alive and be himself. 

I can see Victor not getting involved in tickle fights at first, but at a certain point he’ll be all like, “Okay, step aside so we can do this right” and just PIN THE SHIT OUT OF WHOEVER IS BEING TICKLED. His extra robot arms are killer!

Okay, when he laughs for the first time in front of the group, there’s that cliche moment of pause where everything stops and everyone just stares and listens to him. It’s so rare to hear him laugh because the poor kid barely even smiled around them in the beginning. 

He SMIRKS

Now hear me out on this…

Okay, so half a face. Great. Weird. We love it. But you can see all of mischievous Victor when the guy SMIRKS. You see his eye squint and you can swear his robot eye gets a gleam of a different color. 

Wait honestly as I was writing that, the thought of Victor’s eye and like his apparatus changing color based on his mood is golden.

Me sitting here, lowkey wishing Victor’s robot body had some kind of cuddly mode like Baymax lmfaoooo 

Like the defense mode his body went into when he was around resurrected Supes, but for cuddles and being cute.

Clark Kent (Superman)

I was debating even including any headcanons for Superman bc I don’t care about him much, honestly.

I am v happy they kept in the whole ‘him staring at Flash through the speed storm’ scene bc I laughed so hard at that the first time i saw Josstice League in the theater. 

Also I didn’t really like the black superman costume??? I’m not a comic buff, so I’m assuming that’s why. I am like the one person who missed the color from the Josstice League cut. Don’t miss the stupid red sky in the finale, but I miss every other ounce of color that was just SUCKED right out of the Snyder Cut.

Clark and Bruce are besties now, I don’t make the rules. Bruce bought the man his house back. By buying the bank. He’ll take care of him.

And I’ve always simped for those two ever since BvS, bc I’ve already written like two fics where they tickle each other. 

Clark overpowering Bruce to tickle the shit out of him makes me so happy lol. Big strong boy Batfleck looking thiccc over here… but put him against Superman and he’s donezo. Because as mentioned earlier, I do think Bruce is pretty ticklish. 

But Clark can have his lee side when he’s feeling nice

He’s got that mighty chuckle, almost like how Thor might laugh. 

And he really likes getting involved in tickle fights with the League. He knows all of them are sorta afraid of him on the daily anyway, but have that power added to a tickle fight and it’s fun as hell. 

He’s gotten taken down by them ONCE. And I mean exactly (1) O N C E.

They all teamed up. Bing, bang, boom. Pinned him to the floor and they each took an area of skin and fucking SQUEEZED AND WIGGLED. They were trying to incapacitate him as quickly as possible. And dangummit, he laughed a lot! Like Clark realized just how ticklish he could feel if he wanted to feel it. 

And don’t even get me started on Lois, he’s big on getting her to giggle and she likes toying with him and running her hands all over his body (bc who wouldn’t?)

Barry Allen (The Flash)

I waited to write about Barry last because I have so much to say about this character....

and then I fell asleep and waited until the next day to write anything down about him so now I’m totally not in the mood and I forgot all the salient points I was planning on making.

fuck you, michelle.

I got a weird relationship with this character. He was mad annoying in the Josstice League. Thank goodness they trimmed his bad jokes down.

But now....

when he got hurt at the end and he was like crying and shit oh my god I wanted to hug him

His character got so... good

And I’m now at the right age where I can think about myself in a relationship with this character with no changes or shame

We both out here trying to find that one good job after college and everything

BARRY JUST WANTS FRIENDS, GUYS

HE’S THAT CUTE

And then he got this whole found family schtick with the Justice League!!! Lookit him!!! Thriving!

He has total little brother energy

like, pesky little brother. Bothers everyone, looks over people’s shoulders while they’re deep in thought or concentrating on something.

Asks a lot of questions.

All the more reason for the gang to want to tickle the shit out of him.

Barry just reads like a super ticklish lee. Like his whole character.

Maybe touch starved because he said he needed friends, and I don’t think he has siblings??? (sorry if i’m wrong about that, comic fans)

I already named some of my fav headcanons about him getting tickled by like Diana and such, and I’m sticking with it.

Barry does flee. He runs away with super speed.... but sometimes he just kinda wants the tickles so he lets them have at him. 

The chase is all part of the fun with tickling Barry, though. That’s what makes it so entertaining. And Barry isn’t afraid to be a little shit about it either. He will super-speed around his pursuers and poke their sides and tickle them back really quickly before they even know what’s happening. 

Barry doesn’t exactly hold back his laughter lol. He’ll protest and scream and squirm like crazy, but once he’s actually tickled, he loses it.

Pure boy. With funny ass facial expressions.

And it really doesn’t help that I never realized just how hot Ezra Miller is, even though I heard he’s not a great person irl. Oh well.

THAT’S ALL FOLKS!

Please please let me know if y’all have things to add, to squee over, to question me about... please. anything. i’m here for you. thanks for reading, guys!

[vardasvapors]

I really enjoy your thought-provoking metas on Elrond and Elros and find myself agreeing with you a lot. I have issues with certain popular fanons of the twins, but I tend to be insecure about countering and potentially disrespecting discussions on childhood trauma... However I do feel like their complex cultural identity and the theme of mortality and immortality that Tolkien said was central to his Legendarium aren’t given enough focus. The exploration on what it means to be Peredhil.

Rfdlcjvhkjbhjb AHHHHHH HI ANON YES SORRY I FORGOT TO ANSWER THIS ASK my distraction it is eternal and powerful. THANKS SO MUCH I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT MAKES SENSE TO YOU. Regarding the first ask: i wouldn't worry too much about countering fandom norms with this though, since unlike some subjects.....cough.....that will remain nameless because there's more than i can remember atm, this one doesn't really suffer from like....people vociferously defending the popular viewpoint against other less common ones, as much as people like.....not considering that there is any other possible viewpoint at all and just passively passing along the most surface-level fanon without giving it much thought. I think plenty of them would have no argument with you if you argued this viewpoint, and in fact might enjoy it a lot! They just haven't seemed to have noticed it at all on their own for some reason lol.

Regarding your second ask: canon is quite patchy, dry, and ambivalent in most places (even if it's very vibrantly full of Explanatory Emotions And Personality in other places -- The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen in Appendix A for example) so there's a lot of unconnected dots to connect in a LOT of different directions, and the dots i've connected are in large part formed by a lifetime of scrounging for mixed-heritage experiences, as a mixed-race/culture/nationality person myself. AND a lifetime of wholly personal fixation on immorality stories and general hatred of those innumerable eliding sour-grapes platitudes about immortality vs mortality in children's fantasy, not to mention a lot of (also quite personal) 'uhhhh......really??' about the fact that people were so ready to believe WHETHER OR NOT YOU GOT TO BE IMMORTAL OR GOT TO ESCAPE THE CURSED WORLD would just naturally (rather than arguably, for very specific personal reasons and loyalties that you may or may not have) be way less of a factor (or not a factor at all!!!??) in your fate-decision than what part of your heritage you ~vibed with more, and that the one you vibed with more fundamentally negated the other one. (ftr, many (though not all) mixed people i know, myself included, consider their identity to be primarily Mixed, as in their mixed-ness itself, is more prominent/salient a personal identity, than either of their separate heritages are. and there are like 426284 not-conclusive but still very suggestive pieces of evidence that Elrond feels the same and is also seen by outsiders as the same. However a very funny thing is that if we are mixed x/y, we also often feel very x when among a population of y, and feel very y when among a population of x. Fandom get on that! Peredhil feeling very human while among elves, and very elf while among humans??? Ideal????) Some people who......ugh.......ARE VALID I GUESS...........focus on uh certain other elements of Elrond and Elros's story (that I personally find kind of boring) to extrapolate their characters from, and I know those dots and the connections between them are as canon as the dots I personally focus on connecting instead LOL. But I'm of course extremely gleefully glad/prideful about people agreeing with ME! :P

[ifandomalot]

This is Love. (2/3)

Summary: Steve makes you realize, touching isn't always so bad. Along with that there are consequences for actions that you have to live with. Steve makes a decision that might mean he losses you and his unborn baby forever.

Warnings: unexpected pregnancy, kidnapping, fighting, girl got some abandonment issues bc of this ya feel. But this is a timeline week by week, mention of abortion. Also i did not proof read this, a bitch is lazy so.

Part 1 / Part 3

The bright light of the sun peaks through the cracks of broken curtains, the small breaks of brightness illuminating the soft features of your face. Steve's eyes flutter, long eye lashes form a pattern of touching his cheeks and below eyebrows, the body’s way of deciphering if it was time to get up. Even stuck between the veil of mumbling tiredness and real life, his eyes don't lie to him, it was clear, you're the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.

Small breaths from parted lips, patterns of sleep red against your cheeks, he smiles softly. His hands are gently as they rub the fading bruising, wanting to add some love to the pain.

He decides to allow you to sleep, showering and getting ready for the day before slipping into the kitchen to make breakfast. He was nervous around you, he wanted to talk, but really didn’t know what to say. The majority of the morning was spent thinking of the right words, how he should apologize.

Steve’s breath hitches when he sees you. A lady named Wanda introduced herself to you, and offered you new clothes, which of course was accepting seeing all you had were Steve’s.

“Um, I, Hi.” Steve is red, a mumbling mess. He’s spent hours practicing the right words but forgot them instantly. Beautiful, your hair still a little wet from the shower, a simple white t-shirt and a pair of jeans showing the curves of a woman. Steve almost feels guilty thinking about you in this way, especially since he knows exactly what you look like under those clothes. “I made you breakfast.”

He wants to press his hand on your back, lead you to the stool on the kitchen island but instead extends his hand to the pile of french toast. Steve isn’t hungry, sleep or hunger don’t come easy, instead he lives on guilt and self-pity. 

You pick at the food, Steve’s constant stare makes you nervous. Every time you look up, he’s looking at you. Steve clears his throat, managing to finally squeak the words out. “I’m sorry. For, what happened.”

His touch maybe was unwanted, but he didn’t hurt you, If anything he saved you. You didn’t blame him for this, unlike Steve. He was just as much a victim as you were. “You did what you had to do.”

“I could’ve did better, I could’ve said no or fought them when they tried to come in and get you.” You shake your head. He wasn’t the reason why you hated being touched, the men before him ruined it for you, spoiled a chance at ever being normal.

“If anything you saved me, if it wasn’t for you I would still be there.”

“I don’t like this feeling I have. It feels like I wronged you and I’m sorry.” Small tears of frustration fill his eyes, he swears he’s never cried this much before like these two days. 

“I don’t blame you.” You stand, obviously uncomfortable with the situation. With Steve breaking down like this you were practically useless, no comfort to anyone. You leave quickly, leaving Steve to drown in his pool of guilt by himself. 

The first week is hard, he tries to talking to you but you just continue to blow him off but someone still end up in his bed at night, no talking, just the security of knowing he won’t let them take you away again.

The following week there is progress, you take your time by end up joining him for breakfast every morning, accompanying him on his run. Your night time routine filled with way more conversations, he finds out your favorite flowers are sunflower and it matches you, the sun always finds it’s way on your skin, you’re his little sunflower. But he never dares to touch you.

The third week is when he finally does it. It’s a late night, the two of you decided to watch a movie. The warmth of the covers makes you sign, winter was coming, snow was always your favorite, if only it wasn’t so cold. “Are you cold honey?”

Steve had developed this habit of nick name calling, it didn’t bother you much, quite honestly made your cheeks heat up, you felt safe with him. “A little.”

Steve is unsure, his eyes keep flickering to yours then to his hands. What if you didn’t want to sleep with him anymore if he tried?

“I-I can warm you up.” The suggestion made you tense, Steve would never hurt you, not intentionally, but the thought of someone’s hands against your skin made you sick.

“I, ugh -.” You didn’t want to hurt his feelings, you didn’t want him to think he was the reason you didn’t like being touched because it wasn’t true. Nothing good ever came with a male putting his hands on you. The look on his face made you guilty, he looked like he was going to cry. “I know you won’t hurt me.”

Steve shakes his head, “I want you to want me to touch you, not because you feel guilty. My touch is good.”

Warmth radiated off his bare chest, your hand looked so small compared to the smooth skin. “I trust you cap.”

A small smile with no teeth makes your heart pound, never has a man made you feel so safe. His hand gently rests against your wrist, taking it slow as finger tips trace every freckle, every beauty mark of your arm, pads of his thumb soaking up your collar bones, dips in them. Eyes flicker from your skin, to your eyes. A magical moment, where you feel like your floating. The length of your neck and stop at your lips. Thumb so soft against the fat skin of your lip, he’s breathing heavier now, he wants to kiss you but can’t find himself too. “You’re beautiful.”

It only a few days later when the nightmares start, the imagines of hands choking you, touching you inappropriately, hurting you. Steve wakes from your whimpers, your yells and in seconds he’s shaking you, begging you to wake up. The moment your eyes meet his, you shoot up punching him dead in the nose. “Get away from me!”

Blood trickles down the cleft of his lip, it didn’t hurt, not as much as his heart aches for you right now. “It’s me, It’s just me.”

Hot tears burn cheeks as you wrap the blanket closer to your body, cowering away from him but the head board stops you. “It’s me sweetheart, It’s Steve.”

This time when he touches you, you feel calmed, relaxed. His touch is good. Realizing it is only him, not the salient that haunts your dreams, in an instant you wrap your arms around his neck, crying into his shoulder. Fingers knot your hair as he whispers soft words, “I got you, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Soon after he learns everything about you, why they took you, what they did to you. Stories you thought you would never share but with Steve it was so easy, talking to him was easy. It became a pattern, sleeping together, sharing meals, going out, small dates, it all seemed to fall into place.

“Steve?” A book is tucked secretly in your lap, a gift from him. Legs stretched across his lap, a pair of glasses make him look older, not in a bad way at all. He is also reading, but eyes meet yours.

“Do you want to kiss me?” Steve chokes as the words hit ears. The soft music in the back ground no longer heard, just heavy beating of his heart as his mouth dries. Honestly, he’s thought about it. You have very tempting lips but the matter was he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, with it only being a month since everything, it just didn’t seem like enough time.

Time was good to you though. Weight was put on, nightmares were almost non existent, Steve had shown you the touch wasn’t always bad, that it can be for comfort, for fun, or just because you care about someone. He had started taking you out in the city, trying new food, and to the extent every Friday you went to the bookstore together.

Blush heats his skin red, chest blotchy with dots and nose warmed. “I-I thought about it.”

“Do you like me?”

Steve watches curiously you sit up, crossing your legs and face him. “I think I like you, I’ve never felt like this with someone.”

Steve felt his heart thump, over and over again. Not believing the words. “I like you a lot, sweetheart.”

“A lot?”

“A lot, lot.” Steve’s fingers reach out, running along the bone of your jaw, and highest points of cheeks. “You’re very beautiful, and I do want to kiss you. I’ve wanted to kiss you since the first night you slept in my bed.”

Slowly you lean forward, lips tingling at the thought of his against them. The prickly hairs of his beard tickles your chin, smooth lips meet yours. It was effortless, filled with small breaths, lips meeting lips with such passion it warms his body. It isn’t long, he doesn’t want to push you too far but can’t deny the smile you give him makes his knees weak. 

“This feels even better than hugging you.” He smirks at your comment, eyes roaming the beautiful, soft skin of your face. “feel free to do it all the time, sweetheart.”

The next week is scary, all of a sudden you’re sick. Nausea is not your friend, certain foods make you gag to the point he takes you to the doctor. It doesn’t take long, the doctor walks in with a smile, and it confuses him. 

“Well congratulations in an order, dad.” To say Steve isn’t happy is and understatement, and the look on your face matches. The car ride is spent with tears, and on his half he’s lost in his head.

“We need to talk about this.” Steve finally speaks one the pair are tucked safely in their room, away from the prying ears of the team. 

“I can’t have a baby!” Freaking out is an understatement, you are panicking, eyes puffy red and the tears just can’t stop flying. “I can’t even handle myself.”

Steve’s chest is filled with emotion that threatens to pour out as tears. This wasn’t supposed to happen but he doesn’t understand why he didn’t think this was a possibility, two months ago it had to happen at least twenty times, he filled you twenty times, to be fair he though he was infertile, that the ice took away his ability to produce.

Kids were something of his old life’s dream, a man that didn’t have the responsibility of keeping the world safe. He didn’t want this baby, this baby was made in the darkest times of his life, the times that reminded him of exactly what he was; a monster.

It was an everyday conflict, seeing you made him think of those times but having you cuddled in his chest, kissing his lips made him forget them, made the moment numb to the pain.

“I can’t be a father, I’m going to fuck it up.”

Steve felt bile rise in his throat the moment you mentioned it, “We have to get rid of it.”

“Kill it? A baby?” Having it didn’t sit right with him but killing it? That was the last thing he wanted to do. “It’s a baby, we can’t.”

“You expect me to having this baby with no intention of raising it, I don’t want it.” It even felt sour in your mouth, but you couldn’t give the child what it needed. You couldn’t emotionally support it, you couldn’t give it the comfort it needed, what if the touch of it made you sick like others?

“There are other options, lots of people in this world want a baby.” Steve is a mess, he eyes heavy with tears. The guilt of this will for-surely eat him alive too.

The next day Steve is gone before you wake up, throat is raw from yelling, eyes hurt, physically hurt when they’re opened, too many tears passed them. French toast is on the table, a glass of orange juice and a bowl of strawberries, still hot, not made too long ago.

Steve’s loud voice could be heard from the room along with mumbling of others. Everyone was gathered in the conference room, papers in hand. You decide to join them, talk about what happened last night since there was no doubt they heard the screaming.

Steve hadn’t noticed that you had entered, his looked towards the screen. The face of the man that tormented you for years, case file on show for everyone to see. Pictures of you sliding with the touch of his fingers. You felt dirty, him showing you off like some helpless victim. “We need to move out later for he doesn’t relocate and we loose him again.”

“You’re leaving?” It was a small squeak, everyone’s eyes shifted towards you. Buck’s meeting the guy who was supposed to be guarding the front door with clear annoyance, you weren’t supposed to be in here. 

“It won’t be for long. We’ll talking about this later sweetheart.” Steve looked terrible, dark circles under his eyes, hair messily slid back not brushed like normal. 

“Later? You just said you were going to be gone.” You argue, heart pounding against your chest as Nat clears her throat. “Let’s give them some alone time.”

“No, we’ll finish the plan, then I will talk to you.” Hard eyes, that leave no room for argument.

“Don’t bother Steven, I didn’t expect you to stay anyways.” The use of his full name is so foreign against your tongue, the hateful gaze makes his chest tight, but he stands his ground, arms crossing against his chest as you walk out without another word.

Hours passed, not another word from anyone, the team decided it was best to leave you be, Steve also thought it be best to give you some time to cool off. The kitchen per usual being your favorite place to be, the breakfast nook naturally had the most light, perfect amount to read a book in silence, watch snow fall peacefully.

Steve was quiet, sneaking up to perch himself on the door frame, eyes roaming over the long column of your neck, the concentration on your face as lips move but no sound as you quietly read the words on the page. The sun always seemed to have a beautiful habit of finding your face, illuminating the natural, raw beauty of you. But the moment his eyes lower from the dips in your collarbones to your stomach, he feels his heart sink, guilt igniting inside the pit of his stomach. "Sweetheart."

The words are spoken so softly but sneak up on you, jumping with a gasp he's right next to you, apologizing quickly. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Your face said it all, you will still angry with him. Eyes glaring, it made him sigh, "i think we should talk about this."

His appearance said it all, tact suit was perfectly tailored for him, stretching over every muscles, every swell of man, if you weren't so mad, you would maybe even tell him it looked good. "Why? Seems as if you made up your mind."

You stand, walking away, picking at the plate of cookies on the kitchen island. The situation was stressful and at the moment it seemed effortless to even try but Steve followed, obviously having other plans.

"I am doing this for you." Steve's voice is softly spoken despite his eyebrows raising, jaw clenching, his teeth clenched in annoyance. How could you not see why he's was doing this? Everything he's done is for you, and from now on will always be, especially the seed of his in your womb.

"Don't you say that! You're doing this for you!" Your voice raises, fingers gripping the end of the counter in anger. The truth was clear, Steve didn't want to stay here, everytime he looked at you he felt guilty for what he had done, now trapped with him because of the fact of pregnancy.

"How could you say that?" Jaw muscle flickering, eyea darkening, the anger starting to take over. It filled his veins with molten lava that flowed and bubbled inside his chest. "They did this to you!"

It felt bitter on his tongue, talking about a baby like this. A small, innocent baby that had no idea of the mess of parents it will have. The situation it will be brought in, and the tragic story of how it was conceived.

"You just want to leave because you can't stand the fact that I'm pregnant by you and either you or I dont want it!" The truth hurts, from the moment you told him all Steve has felt was a lump of emotions heavy against his chest, at night it was worse, when you fell asleep all he felt was the crush weight ecoing 'this is your fault'.

Steve's face grows red, big swells of arms crossing over his chest. Standing taller as if he was trying to intimidate you. "You think that's true?"

"You know it. You can't look me in the eyes and say its not. This is for you, they look your sense of security away, stripped you of what you believed in." Despite the anger that filled you, small hands pull on his arm, breaking the wall to beg him to look at you. "Don't go steve, what if they get you again? Don't leave me alone."

It was small, a kiss of comfort against your forehead even though adrenaline of yelling at each other still had him up, pumped and ready to go. "I won't leave you, I'll be back, I'll be a week tops."

"Then just fucking go already!" Unwanted tears welled up, it was strange, usually so intact with emotions, mostly because you tried to show you had none. The bedroom wasn't far but trying to out walk Steve was hard, especially if he had a mission, and in this case making you okay with this.

"Just stop, okay? I will be back, I'm not leaving you."

The door was shut in his face and locked. The sounds of your sobs making him sigh, forehead pressing against the door in frustration. "Y/N, open the door."

No answer. His hand wrapped around the knob, knowing it would break under is strength but was it really worth it? Invading your space, not allowing you to have this time to think. It would be easier, leaving like this, not another word but the cowards way but lately he has felt like a coward.

Steve backed away from the door, despite the pounding of his heart screaming at him not too. Feet carried him down the steps, out the front door where Bucky and Sam were waiting for him. He gives a nod, the fakest smile manageable. "Ready."

Steve was a coward, a man that swore he was here, he would help you. Steve left because he couldn't take the fact you were pregnant with his child, the one he didn't want, the one you didn't care for so much either. A child that could never be loved, a spawn of true evil. Another reminder of what he's done to you. Another reminder that he will never be the same person.

The first few nights was hard sleeping alone, it was lonely too. Wanda and Natasha would talk to you, but there was only so much to be said. They always wanted to take you shopping or out for the day but books are where you found comfort. Weeks passed by, Steve would ask to talk but you always said no when Nat would ask. It was lonely but suddenly it was not, as you couldn't help but notice the swelling of your stomach. A small baby gifted from all the pain you have gone through.

The baby was always there, those nights you couldn't sleep, the nightmare that haunted you, the smiles, all those books you read in a span of two months, whenever worried or fearful your hand found your belly, the reason for this tragic life given.

The morning was one of warmth, heat of the sunshine warming bare skin, sleeping naked because clothes were always hot. According to your doctor the body was raising your body temp by almost 10 degrees, warm just like his father. It was no surprise, maybe there was super serum coursing through his veins. The buttery smell of waffles and warm syrup hit you instantly, stomach growling. Sweet food was something you couldn't get enough of.

"Is that waffles I smell Nat?" You sing song as corner the stairs but suddenly your appetite was gone. After two whole months it was almost bizarre to see his face, hair longer and pushed back, beard full as ever. He still looked handsome despite the fact that small cuts littered his face, bottom lip split into two.

"Nat told me you like sweet things now." It was pathetic really, after what he had done he thought two waffles could win you over?

Beautiful as ever, Steve couldn't help but let his eyes wonder. A sight he's missed for so long. The ghost of you seemed to visit him every night, taunting him with visions of playing with your hair, feeling the soft skin of your face under his thumbs. Even now his fingers burn at the despire to feel it, the softness and pleasure of it. The look on your hurt face said otherwise. He feels his own heart drop as your hands cup your belly in comfort, the child he never wanted but seeing you so round made it so real.

Tears burn your eyes, anymore emotions weren't your own. Turning a heel, you wanted to get a far away from him as possible.

"Honey, honey." His words that once made you blush and warm, were nothing. He was nothing.

Rough collasled fingers touch you so delicately, stopping you from moving, trapping you between the kitchen island and him. "Don't run away from me."

"Dont call me honey." You challenged despite the tears that slipped past eyelashes and left hot trails on cheeks. "Keep your honeys, keep your sweethearts, don't even say my name."

"I am sorry." He begs lowly, he keeps one hand flat against the island, the other reaching to wipe away the tears. "I finally got them yesterday, but when I snapped his neck, I realised that missing two months with you wasn't worth it. I'm sorry."

Two months he didn't have to feel the guilt of seeing you everyday, for two months he wasn't reminded constantly of what he had done to you. Forcing his child on you. But this every moment didn't even compare to the moment now, watching you fall apart in front of him.

"You left me here. You left me pregnant, i had no idea what I was doing." You argue, "All those appointments, all the nights I couldn't sleep without you. Well guess what Steve. I don't need you anymore."

He wasn't expecting the strength as you pushed against his chest, again and again until he stood feet away from you. "Leave me alone."

"The baby?"

"He's got his mother."

"He?" Steve felt his heart pound, rubbing his chest in pain. Not only from you, but the son that didn't deserve a father like him. Just like that you were gone.

Steve wasn't going to give up, the first week the worst he made you breakfast everyday, flowers delivered at the same time, whatever you wanted was yours, to the point that he went to your appointment with you, which you allowed because it was his baby too.

But as the weeks passed, it seemed as if Steve finally saw that it was pointless. The pain he caused was too much, it was true, you didn't need him anymore. He would steal glances now and then, eating his breakfast at the kitchen island as you read your book at the nook. A healthy son growing everyday, noticing how protective you were, hand always there protecting from any danger but none would come to you in this tower. Now sleeping in different beds, never slipped up by wondering in his room, never ate the food he made. Nights were now sleepless for Steve, filled with the heaviness of his emotions felt in his chest, mind always running with the thought of you. He had messed up, but all this time thinking about you made him realize, he was in love with you. The moment you mumbled into his room asking with sweater paws if you could sleep with him, he had known but finally accepting it.

"Steve!" Nat's panicked voice at 2 am followed by pounding on the door broke him from his thoughts, "It's Y/N."

His heart dropped at the sight of you, heavy breaths and tears. Shocks of pain making you howl as Bucky holds you up. "The doctor is coming."

"What happened?" For the first time in weeks, he's touching your skin, soft under thumbs. "Is he okay? What happened?" Its panicked as he recieved no answer the first time.

"I'm scared." You admit as you clench onto his shoulder, using him as support to stand as another yell ripples through your throat. Steve's breathing increases, chest moving faster and faster as the doctor runs in, yelling to take you to your room.

Everything moves as a blur, he didn't want a son but his baby didn't deserved to he hurt or even worse....

Even moments later he sees Nat, he sees the doctor's lips moving but no words register, his heart beat the only sound, faster and faster he clenches his chest, it felt like it was going to explode.

"Steve? Steve sit down." The panic of him has Nat worried now, using all her strength to push him to sit on the couch. Her hands taking strands of hair to relax him.

"I'm." Another heavy breath preventing him to finish his scentence, almost instantly he was back to normal. The panic attack had subsided and finally he was able to think again. "Is she okay?"

Nat nods, "she's in her room steve."

It was most likely you didn't want him there, but at this moment he didn't care. Steve was surprised the room was empty except you curled up in the sheets, hot tears of relief.

"Are you okay?" Steve is on his knees, elbows resting on the bed as he reached for you.

"Hes okay." For the first time in weeks he's heard your voice without words of venom. "You deserves your love too."

Emotion is caught inside his throat, tears threatening his eyes. The whole moment of the situation has him weak as you slip small fingers into his, guiding the the round bump of your stomach.

This baby reminded him every day of what he had done to you, it was his guilt to wear. A baby conceived from unfairness and unwillingness but it was something you have accepted, this was your soon and it wasn't cruel, it wasn't taking away your choice, your son was a gift from this cruel world. Steve didn't understand how until you lay his hand against the swell, the belly round but soft but firm with protecting the life inside of it. Tears slip past his eye lids as a soft sigh leaves his mouth, his son, his chance at redemption. The small kick made him smile slightly, he rests his head against in, a soft kiss of comfort.

"I want this. I fought it for so long but he's our second chance." Steve words are beautiful, but you look at him unsure. What if he breaks your heart again?

"Please." A small whimper, just above a whisper from a broken man.

"We can try, for our son."

Once again his eyes run over the large bump. How could he never want him? Fingers are gently as they draw small lines, the first time he's touched his son.

He wasn't a reminder of his past, what he had done and now realized he hasn't trapped you, you wanted this baby. This was a second chance, to raise this son to be the man he always wanted to be and for you and him. A smile, his heart thumps in his chest, hard. All this time he's spent with you, he's never seen this, a real, genuine smile. Its so sweet, small but the most beautiful sight he's ever seen. His heart is so full, and for the first time in his life, he knows exactly where he belongs. "I love you.."

tags: @suppu97​, @lexxxistrips​, @nova3312​, @lovely-geek​, @readermia​, @heyiambuse​, @yn-the-reader​, @serpentvixen2-0​, @ashwarren32​, @gabloka​, @jayde0602​

[uncivilengineering]

What Kind of Two Years Has it Been

At the end of an experience, and therefore a blog, I usually write a reflection on the experience. The Master's programme ended six years ago and due to life and procrastination and other excuses, I'm finishing this blog only now. But this delay has its advantages, because I know how the story ends and I can tell you what happened to the characters. So maybe, for the first time, this is truly an epilogue.

The journey to this program started in 2012. I was living in Germany and working as a consultant. I always knew I wanted to work first before continuing with any kind of education, because toward the end of undergrad, I had classes with grad students and the ones who had work experience before going back to school seemed to bring more to the experience from applying what they learned from the real world. As I researched Master's programmes, I focused my search in Europe because I was still paying off the loans for my Bachelor's degree. I Googled another program when the MIND programme turned up in the results. After a process of applying, obtaining references, phone interviews and traveling to Munich from Stuttgart to take the GRE in Germany (really), even though this is Europe, the choice came down to Humboldt University in Berlin, with a scholarship from the DAAD, and the MIND programme, with a scholarship from the European Commission. (Lappeenranta University of Technology in Finland takes a close third because I had a really, really pleasant scholarship interview with a very pleasant young man and sometimes I think about how my life might be different if I went there and studied Innovation Management instead.)

I'm sure there was a long decision process and I'm sure I spent a lot of time thinking about it, like most decisions. This all took place eight years ago and I cannot remember the salient details. But I can imagine that I felt like it was time to leave Germany, even though I love (LOVE) Berlin, and the appeal of having an adventure in two countries (I didn't yet know that Asia was on the table) was great. So I gave notice at the consulting firm, said goodbye to my friends in Stuttgart, (wrapped up my last performances as a roller skating Greek muse in the local military base's production of Xanadu - that's real) and moved to Sweden.

In the two years that ensued, I met the best people, took wild risks, had the best time, made my dreams come true and had the adventure I sought. I lived.

I lived in Sweden for a year and was inspired by their example of how to treat guests in your country. I had a job interview in a sauna in the winter and learned what gender equality in society might actually look like. After an application process, I had the opportunity to spend a semester in Thailand. In Thailand I learned how to get from the university to town (Bangkok) and back again. I hosted a cultural show that lasted for eight (or more?) hours. I felt closer to my mom than I had ever understood before. C pointed out that after the midterm exams, I have sat for exams on three continents. I celebrated my birthday at a German brewery in Bangkok. I saw Angkor Wat after the semester ended. I went to all the Disneylands in the world (at the time...back then, there were only 11 parks). I didn't stay long in Austria, but I was there long enough to experience a Buschenschank and run into visa problems. I also saw Carousel and Cabaret in German, and puzzled as to why it was an hour longer than Cabaret in English, which I saw soon after on Broadway. In Glendale I lived in a conference room turned into an ad hoc intern bullpen for four and a half months writing my thesis. I saw things I had been nearby my entire life but never dreamed of seeing in reality.

Blogs are cheesy and navel-gazey but I am glad I did it. I am glad that this and the Germany Part I blogs exist. Sometimes I will look at an old post because someone asked for a travel recommendation (for example), and I will discover something that I forgot. I didn't remember that I was contacted by Swedish public radio to talk about the 2012 United States election. I forgot I had this conversation at NASA JPL about living in Germany. So what's the moral of this paragraph? If you can't blog, at least journal. You think you will remember the exciting things that happen in your day to day life but the truth is, you won't. I am proof!

What happened to everyone? Some stayed in Europe. Some went home. Some went home in Europe. Some got married. Some had babies. Some moved to Amsterdam. Many stayed in Sweden. When I left C, she wanted to stay in Italy. She has since worked her way up to an awesome job at a major company and had a baby! A has moved and is engaged to be married! I was happy to attend C's wedding in Ankara in 2015. I was happy to attend Z's wedding in Czechia last year, and to see my friends again at both.

What happened to me? I accepted an internship in Florida where I spent about five years (and made a bunch of new friends and had a bunch of good times) before moving back to the country where I left when this all started. To be honest, I never expected to be back. Not in this country. In 2017, I was fortunate to attend my class reunion in Leiden; it was also the celebration of the closing of the program. They invited all alumni back to watch the last class graudate. I met the newest generations of the program and saw a lot of old friends. It was just like old times. I came to the first afternoon of the organized program. I thought we would observe the new kids doing their work. No. We kicked off with a case exercise and divided into groups to discuss and then present our results. Our groups consisted of current students, alumni, professors and mentors. In Europe, we are all equal. It was just like old times.

The rest of the program consisted of lectures, discussions and watching the final presentations of the graduating class. Before I left for this trip, I joked that my master programme was ending because it lost funding (truth) from the European Commission because of Brexit (also true but I didn't realize it until I got there and they confirmed that Brexit was one of the factors that cut funding to the programme). There was a party the final evening. In the way that we do. I remember telling all my friends that it would be a very long time before I will see them again. I couldn't foresee an immediate excuse to get to Europe and hang out with them. The day I returned to work in Florida from the trip, I received an email about joining a project that is based in Germany. If I chose to accept this mission, I would have to move to Germany for a period of time. What.

I learned later that, basically, someone found out that I know German. (I promise that I have other skills.) When I was in high school, if you told me I was going to move to Germany, I would have said that you're crazy. I was just this nerd who went to Space Camp and really liked The West Wing and Saturday Night Live. If you told me I was going to move to Germany twice, I would have said, "Then why did I spend all this time learning Spanish?" (among other questions) I know that's true, because I did ask myself that in the first two months of intensive language school in 2010. But the truth is, Germany made things happen for me. When I talk to young people who (for some reason) ask for my advice, in addition to telling them to "follow your dreams," I also tell them the story of how moving to Germany (the first time) changed my life. (And then I tell them why so they know I'm not exaggerating.)

I couldn't refuse. I'm back in Germany. I'm working on getting better at German.

I should have seen this coming. The fall I moved to Sweden in 2012, I came back to Germany to celebrate Thanksgiving. During my Swedish spring, the squad from Germany came to visit Sweden and I put in my tea and hairspray requests (from dm, of course). After my thesis defense in 2014, my first destination was Nuremberg to see E, then on to Quakenbrück to wait with C who was finishing her defense. I attended S's wedding in Leipzig in 2015. I went to Oktoberfest in Munich in 2016. The point is, I cannot stay away from Germany. This is evident and not a surprise.

So far, I have been fortunate that this opportunity has allowed me to meet up with so many friends. A and M are in Amsterdam and have introduced me to Y and T, who are also in the MIND network. S is back in Oslo from Thailand. A is in London. S has moved from Stuttgart to Berlin. A and P and B and K and E are in New York. I still cite the meal in Haarlem (note that's Haarlem in the Netherlands, not Harlem, but I can see why you might be confused because I just mentioned New York) as the best I've ever had and J told me that the restaurant has received a Michelin star since 2014 when we were there so now it's overpriced and overrated. So funny! At Z's wedding in Czechia last year I was happy to reconnect with A, B and M. Everyone else, I'm coming for you! (And I mean that in the creepy way!)

What's going to happen next? Let's find out! Thank you for reading and joining the adventure.

Good night, have a pleasant tomorrow and see you in the future!

Lauren

[dgc-trash]

Xar is an idiot (Part 2)

Part 1 is here.

Though the most egregious example of Xar’s stupidity is his complete inability to understand the basic concepts involved with necromancy, it is far from the only one. And the next most egregious example I could think of was his inability to keep track of who people are and the most important, salient facts about them.

Xar forgot that Bane lived with Alfred as his servant for his literal entire life and can easily recognize him:

“I’m telling you the truth, Grandfather,” Bane averred solemnly. “A Sartan appeared out of nowhere. He was an old man with gray robes and an old, stupid-looking hat—” 

“Was his name Alfred?” Xar interrupted, frowning.

“Oh, no! I know Alfred, remember, Grandfather? This wasn’t him.”

(The Hand of Chaos, chapter 7)

Xar forgot that Jonathon was the lazar who was present for his first resurrection (of Samah), even though that resurrection did not go as planned. In fact, he fails to remember him at all to such an extent that he allows him to be present for his second resurrection. He even thinks that this resurrection, of Haplo, is too important to take chances on, but he still allows Jonathon to be there for it:

Xar started to rebuff the lazar, bid it be gone. Then he remembered that the last time he’d tried to use the necromancy on Samah’s corpse, the spell had failed. Giving life to Haplo was far too important to Xar to take a chance. The lord glanced distrustfully at the lazar, doubting its motives. 

All he saw was a being in torment, like every other lazar on Abarrach. The ghouls had only one ambition, so far as Xar knew, and that was to turn other beings into horrid copies of themselves. 

"Very well," Xar said, his back to the lazar. "You may stay. But do not interfere unless you see me doing something wrong."

(The Seventh Gate, chapter 9)

Xar forgot Balthazar’s name, even though he learned it from Haplo and was later reminded of it by lazar Jera, and this happened despite the fact that his conversation with Jera gave him the information that Balthazar is the leader of the only living Sartan left on Abarrach (i.e that he is important):

“I was talking to one of the other lazar, a woman named Jera. She mentioned that there were Sartan—living Sartan—still on Abarrach. A man named … um …” Xar hesitated, appeared at a loss.

“Balthazar!” Kleitus hissed.

“Balthazar …” mourned the echo.

“Yes, that was the name,” Xar said hastily. “Balthazar. He leads them. An early report I received from a man called Haplo—a Patryn who once visited Abarrach—led me to believe that this Sartan Balthazar and his people all perished at your hands. But Jera tells me that this is not true.”

(Into the Labyrinth, chapter 1)

Xar forgot Haplo’s name, even though he was just sitting with him and talking with him as he watched him die:

He lost all feeling, all pity, all grief. The man he’d loved as a son was dead. The corpse was no longer known to Xar. It was an it. A means to an end. A tool. A key to unlock the door of Xar’s ambition. When the last sigil flared to life, Xar was so excited that, for a moment, he actually struggled to recall the corpse’s name —an essential in the concluding moments of the spell.

"Haplo," said the lazar softly. 

"... Haplo ..." sighed the echo.

The name seemed whispered by the darkness. Xar never noticed who spoke it, nor did he notice the scrabbling, scuffling sound that came from behind the stone bier on which the corpse lay.

(The Seventh Gate, chapter 9)

Xar forgets so much important stuff about people that it’s baffling. And unlike some of his idiocy in regards to the necromancy waiting period, this can’t really be blamed on bad plot writing affecting his character more strongly than most. There was no real plot necessity for any of these examples to happen; they happen because this is how Xar actually is.

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How to Learn New Things as an Adult

By Olga Khazan, The Atlantic, March 16, 2017

Quick, what’s the capital of Australia? No Googling! (And no points if you’re Australian--that means the information is more meaningful to you, which means you’re more likely to know it). Did you get it? Or are you sure you learned it at some point, but forgot right around the time that you forgot how the Krebs cycle works? In his new book, Learn Better, author and education researcher Ulrich Boser digs into the neuroscience of learning and shows why it’s so hard to remember facts like that one. Boser explains why some of the most common ways we try to memorize information are actually totally ineffective, and he reveals what to do instead.

Because we’re all getting dumber in the age of Google, I interviewed Boser recently about what people can do to boost their memories and skill sets, even if they’re long past flash-card age. An edited transcript of our conversation follows.

Olga Khazan: What does it mean to learn something? Is it to memorize something? How do you know when you’ve learned something?

Ulrich Boser: Really what we want to do is to be able to think in that way, so that it shifts our reasoning abilities. If we want to learn to become a car mechanic, you want to learn the reasoning abilities of a car mechanic. My favorite example of what it means to be expert, are the Car Talk guys. Because it’s such a weird thing, people call them and they have a car problem, but the Car Talk guys can’t actually see the car. Someone will call and be like, “I have this issue with my Buick, and it makes this weird noise,” and they’re able to solve the issue.

They’re thinking about their own Buicks, their own car problems, to help you solve your car problems. You want to learn the systems, or the analogies, of the relationships between things in a certain field, and how they interact with each other. Then ultimately you gain that knowledge so that you can shift your own thinking, so when you see a new problem you’re better able to solve it.

Khazan: You mentioned things that don’t work, like highlighting a lot, or skimming your notes before a meeting. Why don’t those work?

Boser: Re-reading and highlighting are particularly ineffective. They’re just passive, and you are just kind of skimming that material. It makes you feel better. You feel comfortable with the material, but you don’t really know the material. Doing things that are a little bit more difficult, that require you to really make connections, is a better way to learn. [You might] explain things to yourself, [or] simply quiz yourself. If you’re preparing for a meeting, you’d be much better off just putting the material away and just asking yourself questions. It gives you a false sense of security, that kind of re-reading.

Khazan: Why is teaching other people such an effective learning strategy?

Boser: It’s not that different from explaining ideas to yourself. Self-explaining has a lot of evidence. You’re explaining why things might be interconnected, and why they matter, and those meaningful distinctions between the two of them. The other thing that’s particularly helpful about teaching other people is that you have to think about what is confusing about something, and how you’d explain that in a simpler way, and so that makes you shift the way that you’re thinking about a certain topic.

Khazan: You mentioned that learning is, by necessity, really difficult. Why does it have to be so uncomfortable?

Boser: I think there’s so much stuff out there now that’s like, “Learning’s supposed to be easy, learning’s supposed to be fun!”

If I ask you, what’s the capital of Australia? Do you know what it is?

Khazan: [Breaks into a cold sweat.] Is it Sydney? I don’t know. It’s probably not.

Boser: No, it’s not Sydney. Another guess?

Khazan: Melbourne?

Boser: Nope. One more.

Khazan: Oh my God, I can’t believe I don’t know this. What’s another ... Brisbane? I have no idea, I’m so sorry.

Boser: Yeah, it’s Canberra.

Khazan: What?

Boser: Yeah!

Khazan: Oh my God.

Boser: I had this experience with a researcher. I was in your spot, where I was like, “I’m so embarrassed by this. I should know, this is a major country.” The difficulty of that is going to help you remember it. I’m not going to promise you that you are going to remember the capital of Australia 10 years from now, but it’s now a much more salient fact. It’s something that’s a little bit more meaningful to you.

Both of us probably, at one time in the world, had this fact come across us, but it wasn’t meaningful, it certainly wasn’t an embarrassing situation. In my experience it was a source being like, “Do you know this?” I’m trying to be like, “I went to a fancy school, I should know this information.” It became salient to me. Part of the reason that learning’s supposed to be hard, or a little bit difficult, is it makes memory work a little bit more.

The other reason that learning should be difficult is that, when we’re a little bit out of our comfort zone, we are a little bit more challenged, and that helps us develop skills. We see this a lot in games. Part of the attraction of even a shoot-em-up game is that it’s always getting a little bit more difficult, and that way it’s building on our skill.

Khazan: What’s the most effective type of feedback that you could be getting in order to learn better?

Boser: What is helpful is that [the feedback] comes close to when you perform the task, and that it requires you to generate an answer. You don’t necessarily want to simply give people the answer, because then they haven’t really made that information meaningful to themselves. By forcing you to make these wrong guesses [about Australia], when you heard the actual answer, it made it more meaningful to you.

Khazan: Why is it helpful to distribute learning over time?

Boser: I find this one really fascinating. The basic thing is, we forget, and we forget at a very regular rate. People underestimate how much they forget, and people who are able to revisit their learning at a regular rate end up learning a lot more. There’s some good software that does that. Anki is one, and they have, I think, a really nice model, which is, you’re learning at your rate of forgetting. If we know that you’re going to forget details like the capital of France in three months, you would revisit that material at that particular point in time. What’s surprising about it is, this isn’t new. This is stuff that dates back to the 19th century, but we really just don’t use it in schools or in colleges, even though we know that people forget a lot, and they forget at this very regular rate.

Khazan: I was really interested to read about Bill Gates’ Think Week, where he reads all those white papers in a secluded cottage. Why does he do that in that way, and what can other people learn from that?

Boser: He just sort of squares away and has these moments of quiet in order to develop new skills. I think we really underestimate the role that deliberation and reflection plays in learning. To a degree we know it, this is why you think of things in the shower or right before you go to bed. You have these moments where your brain is thinking through the day, making connections, and what’s important, I think, for people who are trying to learn more effectively, is to make organized time for that. We’ve seen some schools have students do more reflections on their learning. There’s one or two studies that have even found that reflection can be more effective than practice itself.

Khazan: How can I get better at remembering peoples’ names?

Boser: One thing that helps with memory is if they’re emotional. You will not forget the name of the person that you gave your first kiss to. I don’t think this is, of course, a very practical solution to this problem.

The other thing that you can do is try and hang that information on other information. Say you want to remember the names of your boss’s daughters, you can see if you can wrap that information into other information that you already know. If you like the Knicks, and his daughters are named Kelly and Neely you can be like, “Oh, the first two letters of the New York Knicks.” That’s another way of making that information more meaningful to you.

[shapesnnsizes]

RHR: Practical Steps for Healing the Gut—with Michael Ruscio

In this episode, we discuss:

Michael Ruscio’s new book: Healthy Gut, Healthy You

The importance of gut health

Improving the gut without relying on medical testing

The role of the gut as the second brain and technology addiction

Linking gut health to a good night’s sleep

The biggest mistakes people make when addressing gut health

Listening to your gut and consolidating all probiotics into a few categories

Show notes:

Michael Ruscio’s new book: Healthy Gut, Healthy You

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Hey, everybody, it's Chris Kresser. Welcome to another episode of Revolution Health Radio. This week, I'm very happy to welcome Dr. Michael Ruscio as my guest. He is a Functional Medicine practitioner, clinical researcher, and international lecturer. He's a leader in the movement to make integrative medicine and natural health solutions more accepted and accessible, and his practice is located up here in Northern California, right by me. Dr. Ruscio is a friend and a colleague. I've known him for several years and I've always appreciated his very balanced and sensible approach, which is a little unusual, I find sometimes, in this field. He has a really smart way of looking at the research and separating the wheat from the chaff, and, as I just mentioned, he's very passionate about making Functional Medicine and integrative medicine accessible and avoiding unnecessary and expensive lab testing, and just focusing on the basics. And I think it's very easy to overlook the importance of the basics despite how much we talk about them, especially when you dive into the Functional Medicine rabbit hole. So, I'm really looking forward to talking with Dr. Ruscio today. Let's dive in. 

Chris: Mike, it's always a pleasure to talk to you. Thanks for coming and joining us on the show.

Michael Ruscio: Absolutely. My pleasure. Thanks for having me.

Chris: So, we're gonna talk about the gut, one of my favorite topics, and I know yours.

Michael Ruscio: Yup. [chuckle]

Chris: We're both big fans of the quote from Hippocrates, "All disease begins in the gut." He knew that 2,500 years ago. We forgot, but it seems like we're starting to relearn that, even in mainstream conventional medicine, huh?

Michael Ruscio: Yeah. Absolutely. I'd agree. There's definitely a gut renaissance occurring, thankfully.

Michael Ruscio’s new book: Healthy Gut, Healthy You

Chris: So you have a new book about this topic, of course, Healthy Gut, Healthy You. And tell us a little bit about why you wrote this book. There's obviously a lot of info out there on the gut and gut health. What inspired you and motivated you to put this out there?

Michael Ruscio: Sure. Well, there's a number of things, but I think the few that are the most salient were, I wanted to write a book that would help people with the things that I saw all my patients grappling with. And this is kinda the A to Z companion, everything from your relationship with food, where I'm sure you see some people that are really making themselves sick out of becoming overly neurotic about their diet, and they're very confused about their diet. And some of that kinda pseudo-orthorexia, if you will, stems from the fact that there's so many conflicting opinions out there on diets that people flounder. All the way through, "Okay, I think I have SIBO, do I use probiotics? Do I not use probiotics? Do I use antimicrobial herbs? What if I used herbs, felt good for a while, then I relapsed, what do I do? Should I use a prokinetic? Should I not use a prokinetic? When can I reintroduce food?"

Michael Ruscio: So you have this litany of questions that people are really encumbered with, and I wanted to write a guide that would really hold someone's hand through a self-help protocol, a step-by-step to really help them improve their health. And part of that was because I was frustrated with some of the books that I saw out there that I think are all written with a good intent, but from my estimation, you got one book that was all about gluten free and another book all about probiotics, or another book all about how important it is to feed your gut bacteria. Which can all have a very positive impact on people, but they don't work for everyone because they're not giving you kind of the whole picture. So I really wanted to write a book that would walk someone through the process of healing our gut health that is all encompassing, that's intellectually honest, that's evidence-based, but not evidence-limited, and could really help someone walk away from the read feeling empowered and educated, and not feeling confused and kinda fear-mongered into avoidance. Those are a few of the things that come to mind. [chuckle]

All disease begins in the gut.” Hippocrates knew that 2,500 years ago, but we forgot. Dr. Michael Ruscio wants to get you back on track by helping you transform your health from the inside out with his new book: Healthy Gut, Healthy You

Chris: That's all super important and it's something that you and I have always connected on. And a reason I loved your approach is your evidence-based emphasis, but not being, as you said, evidence-limited. I love that term. And also your focus on practical application, which really makes a difference when it comes ... When the rubber meets the road, and you're working on the stuff either in your own life or with a practitioner. But let's step back a little bit. Most of the people who listen to my podcast are well aware of the connection between gut health and overall health and why gut health is so important. But let's assume maybe that we're talking, there's some newer listeners and they're not as familiar, why is the gut so important? Why should everybody be thinking about their gut health, and what have we learned about that over the past 20 years?

The importance of gut health

Michael Ruscio: It's a great question. And that's exactly part one of the book, which is entitled "The Importance of Your Gut," to kind of establish this premise. And I think one of the most important overarching concepts to connect is that you can have non-digestive symptoms that are driven by a digestive problem. And I actually learned that when I had my health challenges, now about 15 years ago, when my predominant symptoms were brain fog, very, very bad insomnia, fatigue, feeling cold, and also having mood dips. And I went from feeling really well to experiencing all these problems, and all the dietary and lifestyles boxes were ticked, meaning I was getting enough sleep, I loved what I was doing, I was exercising, I was eating a healthy diet.

Michael Ruscio: And so I learned a lot from that process in terms of I didn't have gas, bloating, diarrhea, some of the typical gastrointestinal symptoms, but I did have a diagnosed amoebic infection in my intestines that was driving all of these symptoms, and I was chasing down, I thought it was metal toxicity, I thought it was hypothyroid, I thought it was low testosterone, I thought it was adrenal fatigue. And I chased down all those different symptoms and conditions and corresponding treatments. And I saw flickers of improvement, but nothing really long-standing. And so kinda fast forward, we're now really coming to understand from a modern scientific evidence perspective, that yes, there is a gut–brain connection, there's a gut–skin connection, there's a gut–immune and autoimmune connection. There's a gut–metabolism connection.

Chris: And here's my newest one, the gut–eye connection. We're working on an article on the connection between the microbiome and ocular health. [chuckle]

Michael Ruscio: That makes ... Yeah.

Chris: It's getting kind of ridiculous. There's a gut–everything connection at this point.

Michael Ruscio: Right. Exactly. And so that's why my general posit has always been, once you've somewhat adequately, or taken the best step you can with your diet and lifestyle and tried to get those in halfway decent order, if you're still not feeling well, the next evaluation should be into your gut health. It's not to say it's a panacea, it's not to say it's a cure-all, but before you go looking into other things, I would recommend starting with the gut, optimizing your gut health, and then reevaluating, because as you're alluding to, there's a wide array of symptoms that may rectify after you've improved one's gut health.

Chris: I wanna pause here and kinda reiterate this because I think it's such an important point and it's very often missed. Maybe we can both share a couple of examples from our practice. So, imagine parents that are struggling with maybe a four- or five-year-old child who has a lot of behavioral issues. They've been diagnosed on the autism spectrum or with Asperger's or perhaps they have ADHD, it's a lot of the problems which unfortunately have become so common these days in our society. I mean, we all ... All of us who have kids or are around kids we know, maybe ourselves, we have kids who are dealing with these kinds of problems. I get so many of these kids in my practice, and very often the parents are not necessarily thinking about the gut. These kids may have gut symptoms, or they may not. But just in conversations with friends and family members who don't follow this stuff and who are more kinda part of the general population, if they start ... If the kid starts experiencing these symptoms, what's very often gonna happen is they'll get taken to a primary care provider, they might get referred to a psychiatrist or a specialist in these areas, and they'll be a prescribed medication, and nobody is thinking about or talking about the gut as a contributor.

Chris: And yet, if you look in the scientific literature, there is tons of evidence linking changes in gut health, everything from intestinal permeability, to dysbiosis, to microbial shifts and overgrowth, to SIBO, to these mental and behavioral and mood disorders, and yet that information really has not percolated down into standard primary care or in the general public.

Michael Ruscio: Yeah. I agree with you 100 percent. And it's something that I tried to be very diligent in referencing. Every point that I make that's not common sense in the book, I reference. And that's why there's just under a thousand references. And, you know, if I'm being fully candid here, sometimes people get into a muscle-flexing contest with references to see who can put the most references in the book. But the real key is, how relevant are those references? And so I pride myself in that fact that in the book, the vast majority of the references are clinical trials, or even better than clinical trials, systematic reviews, or even better yet still, meta-analyses. So this means all the data is either a study in humans to see what happens, or a study that's summarized all the available studies in humans to summarize what the available evidence in interventional trials in humans shows. It's much different than saying, "This happened to a group of rats," or, "We noticed this happened in the cell culture, or we noticed this observation." That type of evidence can oftentimes mislead. And that's where I think a lot of confusion comes from. And that's actually something else I talk about in the book, which is why levels of evidence are important, because you can be really misled.

Michael Ruscio: But back to your point about examples. And absolutely, with children, one of the things that I've seen is just simple interventions foundationally, like improving one's diet, getting them off of inflammatory foods and using something like a probiotic, can be vastly beneficial. Sometimes in children you'll see things like histamine intolerance, which unfortunately happens with some parents who go through the regulars of going on like a GAPS diet, which has a lot of fermented foods in it. But sometimes children especially are sensitive to these fermented foods. And we've seen some miraculous changes by reducing dietary histamine in combination with treating dysbiosis. And to your point about literature, there was one study recently, I believe the findings, I'm paraphrasing here, were essentially that there was a higher incidence of fungal overgrowths in children with autism.

Michael Ruscio: And so, we certainly see, yes, there is evidence here. There was another study that showed that patients with urticaria, or hives, had a high incidence of infections, mainly a protozoa known as Blastocystis hominis, and more importantly, after treating these infections or imbalances, there was an improvement in their urticaria, or their hives. In the book, I detail a patient case study where he came in with rheumatoid arthritis and was on pretty powerful anti-inflammatory drugs, and we found SIBO, even though he had no digestive symptoms, treated the SIBO, and he was able to come off of his ... I believe he was on Humira, a very strong medication. So, yes. You're absolutely right. I think we're in full agreement on this. The literature is littered with examples of this. And then clinicians are littered with their case studies that support this. So it's definitely an idea that I think the time has come.

Chris: Let's give some other examples, just because I think that helps people to bring this to life. It's easy to say, "Oh, the gut's connected to everything." But when it really affects people personally, I think that's when they really ... when they start to get it in a different way. Skin conditions are another very common example. We often, we'll see patients with psoriasis or eczema, and they might not have any gut symptoms. So they go to the dermatologist, the dermatologist gives them a steroid cream or something like that to put on their skin, it might help a little bit, but it doesn't go away or get better. We know that in people with celiac disease, especially silent celiac with no gut symptoms, about 50 percent of them have extra-intestinal skin manifestations like eczema, dermatitis. That's something that again, most people in general public and dermatologists, even, are not even thinking about. Now, what are some other examples from your practice of people who have had gut issues, that didn't ... maybe they didn't even have gut symptoms, but it was the gut that was driving that?

Michael Ruscio: Right. And again, that's such a key connection to make, which is you can have a gut problem that's not manifesting as gut symptoms but that is causing whatever external symptom, whether it be brain fog or skin issues or what have you. Two just come to mind. And a lot of these ... We've published patient conversations on our website where I sit down with someone and we talk through their cases. It's not like cramming a camera in someone's face, and saying, "Tell me how good you feel," [chuckle] testimonial. It's more so, "Let's talk through what you came in with and what we did, how you felt going through this." Because I do try to pull the curtain back into my clinic and let people see what some of these results look like in practical terms. There was one patient that came in, and I wasn't even really sure if I could help her because the presentation was so unique. She had this chronic condition of swelling and chapping of her lips. And that was the only symptom that she had, everything else looked fairly unremarkable. And I told her, "Well, we certainly know that the gut–skin connection does exist. I can't say I've just seen this before, but we could certainly do a work-up, see if we find anything out of whack, and perform some interventions to improve your gut health."

Michael Ruscio: And it turned out that she had some dysbiosis in her gut. I wanna say she also had a protozoa. I'm not sure what the exact pathogen or dysbiosis was. But she had an imbalance in the gut that's not very hard to treat. And a lot of this, again, is covered in the protocol in my book, so I don't want people to think they have to go through this elaborate testing to figure out exactly what they have. Foundationally, you can go through a number of steps to rectify imbalances, absent of lab testing. But since she was in my clinic, we had the ability to fairly easily run some lab testing, we found, again, I believe it was a protozoa. And I was shocked that a month later, her lip swelling completely went away. So something I wouldn't even have thought was connected was absolutely connected. And another patient, and we also published a case study on our website for this gal. She was doing really everything right. And actually, there's a friend of mine in town here who does similar work, and he said, "I'm gonna refer you this patient because she's too smart for me." [laughter] He said, "She knows more than I do, because she's very, very well educated." And she came in, she was doing everything right. She was in your Paleo, low-carb diet, exercising, getting adequate sleep, doing some supplementation, yet she was about 50 pounds overweight.

Michael Ruscio: And in her case, we found a fungal overgrowth that was resistant to treatment because it was likely protected by a biofilm, so we had to treat again with agents that break down this protective fence that certain bacteria and fungus can build around themselves to make them somewhat impenetrable to treatment. And the only thing we did was treat that problem in her gut. She lost, over the course of about six months, a little over that 50 pounds that she was wanting to lose. And she also was sleeping better. And so, this stuff is legitimate, and it's not a, "Here is the next weight loss panacea," because I think unfortunately, the gut–weight loss connection has been way overexploited for marketing purposes. But you can see some people definitely lose a notable amount of weight if they're overweight. And at the other end of the spectrum, some patients come in and they're losing weight and they don't know why. And that's because their gut is malabsorbing nutrients. And so ... Those are a few examples that come to mind.

Improving the gut without relying on medical testing

Chris: Yeah. And there's so many, we could go on and just talk all about that. But I wanna come back to something that you just hinted at because I think it's an important topic. There's no doubt that Functional Medicine testing for the gut can be extremely helpful, and even necessary, in some cases, but there's also no doubt that a lot can be done to improve and heal the gut. Without that, in some cases, we're relying too much on that testing. I know that this is something you are pretty passionate about. So let's talk a little bit about that.

Michael Ruscio: Yeah. [chuckle] Something I'm very passionate about. And it's for multifold reasons. One, I think that it doesn't help healthcare practitioners. I think too much testing and an overreliance on testing actually makes it harder for a practitioner to get results. And the short story behind that is, there are a fair number of tests that haven't been clinically validated, meaning the results have no real utility. And so when you're trying to treat a lab that doesn't have any clinical utility, you're adding a variable into the clinical process that's meaningless. And so you're adding another non-meaningful variable into an already variable-rich process, thus making it much harder to produce results. And microbiota assays, I think, are one of the best examples of this, where a patient may have, let's say they have bloating, abdominal pain, and loose stools.

Michael Ruscio: And they do a stool test and it shows that you're deficient in some of these good bacteria. And so the doctor ... And I see a case study like this at least once or twice a month. The doctor gives them fiber and prebiotics supplementation, and the person ends up getting more bloated, having looser stools. And what's happening underneath the surface there, is the lab company is trying to replicate something that's being done at a research center using a microbiota assay, where they essentially map all the bacteria in the gut. But what the lab is using and what the research center are using are two different methods of technology, although similar, and they're using them outside of the context that was used in that research paper. And so if you look at the clinical literature, and this is where the levels of evidence I was mentioning before come in and are very important, you see that oftentimes where people with digestive maladies, they need to undergo some type of bacterial and/or fungal reduction strategy, at least in the short term. And so rather than treating their “labs,” we may wanna look at the condition that the person has and the symptoms they present with, and treat those instead.

Michael Ruscio: So instead of giving them the fiber and the prebiotics, we may put them on a low-FODMAP diet that actually starves bacteria, and potentially, if that doesn't get all the result, you may perform a round of herbal medicines that can clean out bacterial and fungal overgrowths. And I had to say that, the better I get, the more experience I obtain in the clinic, the less testing that I do. And this is what I've also tried to incorporate into the book, which is, there is a whole lot you can do without needing lab tests. Especially if you perform an intervention and then reevaluate at the end of that intervention how you're feeling, and then you can kinda go one way or the other. And so what I've written is kind of a “choose your own adventure” guide, if you will, where there's not necessarily one path, but there's ... There's one main path, but there's divergent paths in there, depending on how someone responds.

Michael Ruscio: And at the risk of being long winded here, [chuckle] I think the most ... One of the fundamentals that's important here is the more symptomatic someone is, the more cautious they'll probably wanna be with strong bacterial feeding interventions right out of the gate. And the healthier someone is, the more likely they can undergo a bacterial feeding intervention like prebiotics and fiber right out of the gate and respond favorably. So I built this into the algorithm of the steps, so that a healthy person can do maybe three steps. An unhealthy person will do more steps because they're gonna have to first go through that bacterial reduction phase before going to the bacterial feeding phase.

The role of the gut as the second brain and technology addiction

Chris: Yeah, that's really important to understand. We hear the recommendations to eat four tablespoons of resistant starch a day. And I've had patients who unfortunately took that at face value, who had very compromised gut and ended up going to the hospital because they thought they were having appendicitis or something like that. [chuckle] It was essentially gas pain from the fermentation. This stuff really does need to be personalized, so I love that you do that in the book. Let's talk about ... something I've been really, over the last couple of years, has really come front and center for me and my awareness in working with gut issues is the role of the gut as the second brain or as essentially a big bundle of nerves. And there's much more serotonin in the gut than there is in the brain, there's a lot more melatonin, and it really is, either you could see it as an extension of our nervous system or even a second nervous system. And I found in a lot of cases, especially with patients who have done a lot of the right things in terms of addressing the microbiology, taking antimicrobials or taking probiotics and prebiotics and cleaning up their diet, and they're still experiencing gut issues. My experience and my belief in many of those situations is that it's actually a nervous system dysregulation that's driving the gut issues. So I know you covered this a little bit in your book. Just curious to hear your take.

Michael Ruscio: Yeah, it's another really fascinating area, and there's a lot to be said there. [chuckle] Where to begin? [chuckle] I think from looking at an overall kind of global autonomic tone, meaning are you sympathetic or parasympathetic? That's one very important aspect of trying to make sure that the enteric nervous system, the nervous system in your gut, is having the appropriate feed-ins for someone to be healthy. And so there are a number of things that we can do to improve that dysautonomia, if you would, that imbalance in your nervous system that trickles down into the inputs in your gut nervous system, specifically. And a couple of these are actually very simple, but they may be subtle changes for someone to make, but they may have profound implications. And one is understanding that modern data does show the more time you spend on the internet, the worse you will feel. And unfortunately, what's tending to happen, if you look at some of the observational data here, is people are spending more time on the internet and on social media, and that is causing them to spend less time in nature, and less time with friends and family.

Michael Ruscio: And so what can end up happening ... I'm sorry. So time with friends and family, social interaction, has been shown to have a direct correlation to overall subjective well-being. And time in nature has also been shown to reduce your overall chance of death and increase the sense of subjective well-being. There are certain Asian researchers, or in Asia, certain research groups that are looking at what's known as “forest bathing,” that essentially shows that if you can take a leisurely walk in the woods, there's something about that that is very health promoting. And there's another stroke here that's been published by a researcher named Shelley Taylor, who ... She has put forth the theory that men more so have a fight-or-flight response, but women more so have a tend-and-befriend response. Meaning that in times of stress, it's more important for women to have connection. And this may have to do with some of our evolutionary background, where in times of stress it was more ... men would more so have to go out and fight, hunt, what have you, and that was to some degree a little bit more isolating, and women would have more of a predilection toward coming together and tending and befriending, and part of this may be mediated by a hormone called oxytocin, which is potentiated by estrogen, so that may be a reason why we see a sex discrimination with this.

Michael Ruscio: So, it really boils down to a simple concept, which is if people are excessively researching on the internet how to improve their health at the expense of things like time and nature and connectedness, they could really be doing themselves a big disservice in terms of their healing. And there are other deeper things we could get into mechanistically, but I think that's one that's often overlooked, that is free and fairly easy to implement, but holds pretty sizable potential for people to improve from.

Linking gut health to a good night’s sleep

Chris: Absolutely. I think technology addiction is ... or not even addiction, just overuse, which in some cases is driven by work and other cases it is more of an addictive thing, is a huge part of this constellation of factors that contributes to nervous system dysregulation and can definitely affect the gut. And along those same lines, we have more than a third of Americans not getting enough sleep, and that of course torpedoes the nervous system. I think in terms of my own history with gut issues now that I have ... As many people know who are listening to this, I had multiple parasitic illnesses in my early 20s that evolved into a much more chronic problem. And at this point, I'm through the worst part of that, but my gut is still sensitive because of everything that I went through, not only the parasites, but the treatments that I had to do to get rid of them. And I think sleep at this point is the most noticeable trigger for me. If I don't sleep well, my gut is gonna be the way that I know that ... I mean, obviously you know in other ways, by just my gut the next day is not gonna function very well, so tell us a little about that. I know you've explored the connection between sleep and gut as well in the book.

Michael Ruscio: Yeah, so there's a really fascinating connection there, and I believe we both had an Entamoeba histolytica infection, so maybe somehow that changes you and makes you wanna go deeper into healthcare, but I wouldn't recommend self-inoculating if it's not an area you wanna get into. [chuckle]

Chris: There are easier ways.

Michael Ruscio: Yeah. [chuckle] What's fascinating about sleep is there's definitely this bidirectional relationship between sleep and the gut, and gut and sleep. And one of the most common things that I see that people, I think, don't expect to see when improving their gut health is their sleep improves. And so if people have a hard time falling asleep, or they're very wakeful, or they're always waking up an hour before their alarm goes off, or they need excessive amounts of sleep, which seems to be defined as chronically getting over or needing over nine hours of sleep, then it's very possible there's a problem in the gut that's causing that. And part of this may be due to melatonin, as you noted earlier, there are, many of these chemicals are made in the gut. Melatonin is one, and that is needed for sleep. So there's definitely this gut-to-sleep connection, and improving your gut health can improve your sleep. But then there's also this massive amount of research showing that if one is not getting adequate sleep or if they're chronically getting too much sleep, and again, the research suggests that at a minimum, six to seven hours, and a maximum nine hours.

Michael Ruscio: Consistently falling within that window is important, but if someone is constantly not getting enough sleep, then that is gonna be a huge deterrent to their health and to their healing also. The amount of data ... I think this is the one area that we have probably the most compelling data showing that, again, if you're chronically undersleeping or chronically oversleeping or having your sleep interfered with, that almost every measure that has been evaluated will worsen, meaning your chance of cardiovascular disease, your chance of dementia, your chance of all-cause mortality, meaning death from any cause, your chances of depression, literally every measure that has been studied, and usually we're looking at a systematic review with meta-analysis, so these studies are looking at a number of studies and summarizing the results—all conclude that if you're chronically getting or needing more than nine hours of sleep or unable to get a consistent six or seven hours of sleep, you are, in fact, increasing your chances of a number of diseases or morbidities.

Chris: So true. And of course, gut issues are one of the most ... one of the main ones because of how inexorably intertwined the gut is with the systems that are affected by sleep.

Michael Ruscio: Absolutely. And there's one other thing I just wanna sneak in there really quick before we leave this, which is ... and I take a small tangent in the book on this because for some people, it is very important, which is sometimes subtle female hormone imbalances will interfere with sleep. Now, most notably, if a woman is having hot flashes that wake her up, of course, that's one. But I have found that some women, they're waking up and maybe only feeling a little bit warm. And it's almost a subclinical hot flash, if you will. And many of the factors that we outlined in the book of simply improving one's gut health will improve these female hormone-mediated symptoms, but we also make a few recommendations for simple and safe herbal interventions that require no testing, that can help to balance out female hormones and can help with sleep. And not only sleep—there's some evidence to show that women with constipation, maybe because of progesterone receptors in the gut, can also improve their bowel regularity by using some gentle herbal medicines that help to coax the female hormones back into balance.

The biggest mistakes people make when addressing gut health

Chris: So what do you think the biggest mistakes are that people make when they're trying to address their gut health?

Michael Ruscio: Well, I think the most foundational is people don't listen to their own response, and they may go on a low-carb blog and hear all these success stories, and think they have to go low carb. Or they may go to a fiber enthusiast blog and become somewhat indoctrinated into thinking they have to eat a high-fiber, high-prebiotic diet. But they're not really listening to the fact that, "Geez! When I don't eat enough carbs, I feel tired." Or, "When I eat too much prebiotic-rich foods, I feel bloated. But I heard this PBS special with credentialed doctor so-and-so telling me how important feeding our gut bugs is." Which is true, but it's just not true for everyone. And so that, as you mentioned earlier, that personalization is left out and/or people are misled into not listening to their own bodies because they're rather listening to the expert opinion. So that's definitely one.

Michael Ruscio: And I think it dovetails in with another point that I really try to develop in the book, which is oftentimes, some of the standard party line, I guess, if you will, recommendations for gut health, are very centered around what happens in the colon, but they miss the small intestine. And the small intestine represents over 56 percent of your gastrointestinal tract, so it's the largest anatomical contributor to the intestinal tract. And that's where 90 percent of calories are absorbed, and it's the largest density of the immune cells in the entire body. And so I think some of the confusion stems from exciting research looking at what's happening in the colon with some of the stool testing. They’re doing research looking at the microbiota, the world of bacteria in the gut, and those stool tests predominantly assess the colon, or the large intestine. But if you're making all your decisions based upon maybe 20 to 30 percent of the gastrointestinal tract, the colon, and you're not looking at the recommendations for the small intestine, which comprises the majority of your gut, and the majority of your calorie absorption, and the majority of your gut immune system, then it's easy to be misled.

Chris: Yeah, and also, confusing in that the interventions in some cases that you would do to support the small intestine might be opposite to what you would do to support the large intestine.

Michael Ruscio: Exactly, exactly.

Chris: So there's a sequencing thing that needs to happen sometimes, in terms of when to address which part of the gut and in what order.

Michael Ruscio: Exactly, yeah, you're absolutely right. And that's one of the concepts I try to develop in the book to help throw people a lifeline, which is, "Are you confused about [chuckle] all these different recommendations that seem to be at odds with each other?" Well, it's because we have to contextualize these into a sequence of steps so that you're doing the right thing at the right time. And it brings up maybe another common mistake that I see people make, which is looking for the magic protocol, and people protocol-jumping. They go from one protocol to the next to the next, and they oftentimes, they don't get the result they're looking for because the magic, so to speak, is not in the protocol, it's really in the process. The right protocols used in the wrong process will lead to failure. But the right protocols used in the right process will lead to success. And that's what's often left out, is you get a snippet of this or a snippet of that, a protocol here, protocol there, but not how to sequence these and personalize these in the correct order. And that's another thing I try to really build into the action plan in the book.

Chris: Yeah, that's ... I would add impatience [chuckle] is also a common pitfall. And it's understandable. I've been there. Mike, you've been there.

Michael Ruscio: Oh, yeah.

Chris: We know what it's like to suffer from these conditions, and it's natural to wanna get better as quickly as possible, but the strategies that we're talking about are not overnight cures. And unfortunately, in conventional medicine, in many cases, it's conditioned us to expect immediate results from a sledgehammer-type approach of using medication. But in these cases, if you're talking about rebalancing an ecosystem that consists of trillions of microbes, that's not gonna happen overnight, right?

Michael Ruscio: Absolutely agree with you. And by the other side of the token, the other thing that I've seen that sometimes happens in more natural medicine-minded communities is people are told you have to be ... Oftentimes it happens with diet, you have to be on a given diet for months before you're gonna experience improvement. And we walk people through diets in the book, there's a few different times to evaluate, the average time someone has to be on a diet, according to the protocols I lay out, is two to three weeks. And it's not to say you're gonna experience all of your improvement in that two to three weeks, but after two to three weeks you should know, "Hey, I'm feeling better," or, "No, I feel exactly the same or even worse." And when you navigate the dietary protocols that way, you can get through the handful of diets that would be recommended fairly quickly, rather than saying, "Oh, the autoimmune protocol ... " Nothing against it, it's one of the protocols that I recommend people considering in the book, but you have to be on it for six months, because there's layers of healing and what have you, and I'm open to there being a time and a place for that, but usually what I find is, again, a few weeks to know if you're in the right ballpark, and if not, let's keep you moving forward so we can find what will actually work for you.

Chris: Yeah. I definitely agree with that diet. There are always exceptions, we're just laying out general guidelines, but it's certainly true, and I've seen people on ... kind of bludgeoning themselves to stay on a certain diet that's not working, for a long period of time, just getting worse and worse. And often if they go on to the sort of online communities that are centered around those diets, the feedback that they'll get is just do it more, harder, faster. [chuckle]

Michael Ruscio: Exactly. Yeah.

Chris: You're at 99 percent, but if you just got to 100 percent ... That's the other thing, is people assume that they need to follow something 100 percent in order to get any benefit at all, and I don't think that makes sense, physiologically. It's certainly true that being more rigorous will ... you need to reach a certain threshold to get a benefit, but I don't think that's 100 percent.

Michael Ruscio: Again, we're [chuckle] on the same page as we are for many things. And I think what happens is people actually ... I tell people, be ... shoot for about 80 percent because I expect there's gonna be a time or two when you have to deviate slightly, and that's okay. And I think to go from that 80-ish percent to 100 percent, the amount of negatives far outweighs the amount of positives you would get from going through the extra rigors to become 100 percent compliant compared to 80 percent compliant. That's a key, key point.

Chris: And it's not just in terms of quality of life, it's actual, physical symptoms, I mean we just talked about how stress can tank the gut. [chuckle]

Michael Ruscio: Right, exactly.

Chris: So it actually can backfire going from 80 to 100 percent, not only not improve you, it can make you worse.

Michael Ruscio: I completely agree.

Listening to your gut and consolidating all probiotics into a few categories

Chris: Yeah. Now of course, there are people out there who are listening to this who have experienced that benefit going stricter, but that's where listening to your body comes in, as you've mentioned, Mike, that's one of the first, probably the biggest mistake that most people make is not listening to their bodies. And again, it's easy to understand how that can happen, there's so much conflicting information out there, when your body is sending you a lots of different messages, it can be hard to tune in and know what's going on, but ultimately trusting your intuition and trusting your gut, so to speak, is a really important thing to learn how to do as part of the healing process.

Michael Ruscio: There's another area that people don't listen to their gut, and this is kind of exacerbated by confusion in the field, which is regarding probiotics. Gosh, there's probably hundreds or more probiotic products out there, but when you really look at the research literature, you can consolidate all probiotics into three to four categories. Some research papers suggest five categories, I think more practically three to four. And when you understand this, you don't have to try the hundreds of products, but rather say, "Let me try a probiotic from category one and see how I do, let me try a probiotic from category two and see how I do." And then when you do that, you cut through all this confusion of, "Oh, I heard about this one and someone told me about that one," and you'll keep trying the same product, just with a mild derivation of the same product ... I'm sorry, of a similar product in the same category forever, and it can be maddening, but again, if you understand that here are the categories ... And just briefly, the main categories in my opinion, but I think this is fairly well reflected in the research literature, is a Lactobacillus–Bifidobacterium species predominated blend, meaning you'll have multiple strains, but the majority of those will be different strains of Lactobacillus and Bifidobacterium, category one.

Michael Ruscio: Category two would be a Saccharomyces boulardii probiotic, technically a healthy fungus. Category three would be predominantly E. coli Nissle 1917, and this is a healthy form of E. coli, which is actually one of the most common residents in the gut, so not all E. coli is bad. It's not something that there's a lot of applicability for in the US because it's not available in the US, and actually I should probably classify E. coli as category four, and then category three would be soil-based or spore-forming probiotics. And there's a few different formulas here, and there's some derivation and some detail there, but essentially this is predominantly Bacillus strains probiotics, and those are your three or four classes. And I would try each one of those, and sometimes people do not do well on any probiotics and that's okay. And so they shouldn't keep beating themselves over the head with a probiotic because they keep reading about how good they are. Try each category. If you respond, great. If you have a negative reaction, then move on to something else.

Chris: Fantastic. Mike, it's been such a pleasure. The book is Healthy Gut, Healthy You: The Personalized Plan to Transform Your Health from the Inside Out. Where can they go to get it, and where can they find out more about your work?

Michael Ruscio: They can get the book on Amazon. They can also learn more at HealthyGutHealthyYouBook.com, and if they wanted to learn more about me, my website is DrRuscio.com, which is D-R-R-U-S-C-I-O dot com.

Chris: Been a pleasure as always. Look forward to seeing you at Paleo f(x) for our annual meet-up.

Michael Ruscio: Yeah. We'll have another talk over some barbecue. Thanks, Chris. It was great being here.

Chris: All right, take care.

Michael Ruscio: You too.

The post RHR: Practical Steps for Healing the Gut—with Michael Ruscio appeared first on Chris Kresser.

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Top 100 Movies 2017

Introduction

There’s something that seems a little uninteresting about this year’s list, almost regressive. Like this year’s Top 100 seems pretty uncontroversial, it seems very consistent with all my past lists. There aren’t a lot of movies new to the list, instead theres some old ones back on it. In the past I’ve been open to having outright bad movies on the Top 100 because they were bad; I’ve tried to modernize the list by importing recent movies and watched them sort of wash off; there’s been the odd year where I watch a lot of new movies and it upends everything. By comparison this Top 100 is practically establishment. What’s that about and how does it even happen? Well there’s a number of reasons and we’re going to talk about a bunch of them.

First though, I’m more proud of the shape this particular list took than almost any other year’s effort. This list, you might say, seems the most right of any list I’ve put out maybe since 2014. In that respect I’d say it’s authoritative, which is rather reflected in its white-bread ranking of the most likely movies to make a Top 100 movie list ever. Again, this is, as always, an informed product of the list along a number of avenues I was looking down in producing this ranking.

However, there’s one simple reason which we can just get out of the way right now. The list just turned, I guess, old this year. Like I’m sending my list off to first grade. And I did the first Top 100 going into my senior year of high school. This is the seventh Top 100. I’ve grown up a lot with this project. But weirdly, I think there’s something to be said for this list crossing the seven year milestone in that it’s aged a bit too. To me this seems like the first year where putting this project together could be said to be on cruise control. I’ll take steps to avoid really getting complacent, but it almost felt likely.

The Top 100 doesn’t use training wheels any more like it did the second time around with a stupid honorable mention section. It can tie it’s shoes, unlike when I had to put a reminder to add Treasure of the Sierra Madre to the list because I meant to and then forgot. It doesn’t poop it’s pants like it did in 2015 when I lost my marbles and didn’t get around to ranking till January 2016. That doesn’t mean it’s stale either if that’s even possible. It hasn’t aged like a wine, or a Twinkey, or even like I have as much as we’ve grown up together anyways. The truth is that this Top 100, sort of conservative as it may be, actually represents some really important and I think advanced values I’ve developed in recent years.

Not the Time for Politics

I’ve always had a bit of a leaning toward granting that a movie was important. It’s part of the holistic view of history and society the Top 100 tries to advance which in the past has extended equally to Tron as it does to The Battle of Algiers this year and years in the past. This principle extends to so much of the make up of the Top 100. But I actually worked this year to keep at bay the so-called topicality of any movie. Which, as I’ll explain, this list is still very topical, but it’s not intended as a political manifesto at all.

The Battle of Algiers made it’s entry on the list as the Arab Spring heated up. It’s moved around since then like a literal barometer of that movie’s relevance, how important it seems, but that’s not what it’s doing here this year. The Battle of Algiers remains a beautiful and well constructed film all around. We should try to make movies that look like this one more. That notion, of making formally good films, is if anything at the very center of this Top 100.

Still Downfall, is here as well as American History X which are movies I think are highly prescient today. Do the Right Thing is at it’s highest position ever, which has always had the flare of being a statement. This Top 100 has features seeming like it’d be political. More films by more black directors than ever before, including recent films like Moonlight. More films by more women directors than ever before, including new comer to the Top 100 Lost in Translation. I warmed to Lost in Translation this year having admired it for a while in parts but never as a whole.

There’s a very compelling school of thought around these days that suggests that the moral features of a work’s production are in a sense part of it. I’ve always resisted that kind of thinking, and propaganda still makes it’s way onto the list this year in step with my thinking. Even so, arguments are emerging which are robust that there are moral parts of art which is formal. My position is that there shouldn’t be any sort of moral context that excludes a work from being good. The fact of the matter is is that films with greater representation are more indicative of other good making features of a film being present than anything else. You might say that’s the case with Moonlight. The characters that Moonlight sets about bringing to the screen in a compelling way demonstrate a high degree of complexity that is irrespective of what might be seen as its stance toward Hollywood filmmaking. The point is Moonlight, for instance, has many so good-making features in its cinematography and writing and it’s acting that put the movie on the Top 100 without the important-making features it has in film history.

It could be said that Moonlight and others are here at the expense of important movies like The Wizard of Oz because these are the better movies. Therein is the guiding principle throughout this year’s Top 100. Indeed this is the stated principle of the Top 100 every year, that it’s simply about the best movies and nothing else. It is my belief that this year’s Top 100 essentially comes closer to properly evaluating those qualities in film. Even so, I’d really like to see a Bechdel-type analysis of the Top 100 over the years.

But here’s the rub. This Top 100 is specifically trying not to be political. To not take relative importance too seriously you might say. On the contrary, this is a reaffirmation of a strictly formalist properties of movies being what makes them good. Look, there is plenty of room for writing about movies that are salient at the present moment. That will happen, perhaps, just as much as Top 100 lists come out, but it’s not a reason to throw out the exercise I’m trying to go through with here. So there.

But Formalism

So what is this this focused on in positive terms? Well, there is a some sort of guiding principle which guides the Top 100 every year. It’s usually pretty changing, tacit, and more thematic than anything else. For instance, in 2014 I used new experiences in directing to guide me through my monkish meditation on the Top 100. As I mentioned I’ve seen times where it struck me as worthy to consider a movie’s importance or relevance. The past years have sort of update the list to our present day.

In, as I say, rejecting a statement that could should be construed as political though, I have embraced something that’s a bit more positive than the “I’m not going to make a statement at all,” which seems worthy. The result is to say that this Top 100 attempts to take a strong approach to formalism about movies. In essence “what is the most complete or comprehensive answer to the minimal qualifications of being a movie that we can see?” is the question this Top 100 seeks to answer. This Top 100 is the closest I’ve ever come to establishing a sort of list of qualifications—formal properties—a movie has to take to make the grade.

Thus this Top 100 really reflects a lot of the thought that I have put into movies this year. I’ve turned a more theoretical and introspective light on film in 2017 than I ever have. I’ve been toying what feel like weird views to me about film over the past months. It would be impossible to talk about all these kinds of avenues of thought here because this year has felt like it’s revised somewhat the very way I watch film as a formalist proposition. That is to say, yeah, unlike in the past I actually find myself looking for and recalling things about certain movies that are in a sense requisite for me saying that a movie is any good. Is there a rubric for assessing movies on this Top 100? No, there never has been and I can’t imagine there ever will be. But if you make a movie that is formally very similar to the common properties among this set of the Top 100 films, I think it stands to reason that you will have a very exceptional film on your hands.

What are these formal properties like? Well they’re a mixed bag and I actually fairly uncomfortable with where a lot of these views come from. It’s hard to endorse the idea that there is in fact and inventory of things a movie must do to be any good at all. But here we are. Additionally, taking this approach lays a lot more of my taste in film out here than I’m comfortable with. The only movie missing from this list that is very me is A Hard Day’s Night. Otherwise, these are movies which seem to reflect my sensibilities more than the formal properties I’d espouse as being what what makes or breaks making the Top 100 cut. But I have to stand by the ideas that this is a matter of a formalism to maintain my integrity about what I believe about this list.

Therefore we can see things like the presence of feet in the frame at various points showing up as a good making feature in filmmaking. A sort of deliberateness in the choices of lens, film stock, and process are obvious here. Really exacting performances or highly dramatic performances purvey this list. High complexity in storytelling comes through. Tidiness and exactitude in the edit is here. A general sense of an iconographic and minimalistic approach has become very important to me—the idea that nothing can be taken out of a film. There’s also some weird wholistic aspects to this formalism for me. For example, that all of these pieces work together. There’s also a certain ideology advanced by these films that manifests a sophisticated warping of photographic reality into cinematic reality. And yes, as close as ever before, I go to movies looking for these very things today more than ever before. This Top 100 movies have been most impressive in all these regards.

But these kinds of notions are hard to evaluate and even more difficult to be exhaustive about. Well, as I said I can hardly talk about each of them. But Dunkirk is maybe a significant example here, especially since I’m highly critical of Christopher Nolan as a filmmaker. But ultimately I was really impressed by this film. It shows the immense integrity Nolan has in his craft; 70mm presentation, practical effects, a genre tradition, a narrative trademark, playing to strengths, a muted and terse matter-of-factness which I found gripping. I think Nolan nailed it here. In a sense, even though this film is far down the list, you could look at Dunkirk as epitomizing the approach I’m endorsing here.

This positive approach—a strong formalism about good movies—has made me proud of this Top 100. But it’s hard to live with. I think that there’s a host of hard to swallow philosophical pills here. Medium specificity is maybe the most difficult one to hold, it’s certainly the area I most have to examine myself. This is the idea that there is a way that it is proper for an artwork to be, but what I’ve outlined above seems to be an extreme application of medium specificity. I am advancing with this Top 100, I would say, that Schindler’s List reflects most closely the way film wants to be.

With this Top 100 I seek to layout a sort of platonic ideal of film and advance that these movies, queued this way most approach that standard. In the case of this Top 100, then, you could come away saying that the best possible movie has a runtime just under three hours, is probably black and white, may even have already been made (although this is a vexing formal property), is an adapted screenplay, and a number of other generalizations. But to ascribe these traits as necessary seems preposterous. Nevertheless, this is what’s going on behind the scenes here.

Take all that into account as you enjoy the Top 100:

Schindler’s List

The Passion of Joan of Arc

2001: A Space Odyssey

Kagemusha

The Elephant Man

Metropolis

The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover

Apocalypse Now (Redux)

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans

A Clockwork Orange

The Maltese Falcon

Seven Samurai

The Apartment

There Will Be Blood

Do the Right Thing

Psycho

His Girl Friday

Downfall

Star Wars

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Singin’ in the Rain

Casablanca

The Virgin Spring

The 400 Blows

Bambi

Fargo

Citizen Kane

Back to the Future

The Fall

Jurassic Park

Gladiator

Dr. Strangelove Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

The Godfather Part II

Paths of Glory

ET: The Extra-Terrestrial

Pulp Fiction

Full Metal Jacket

Blade Runner

Barry Lyndon

Hoop Dreams

Titanic

Spirited Away

Alien

Toy Story

The Matrix

Laurence of Arabia

American Graffiti

The Silence of the Lambs

The Great Beauty

Ratatouille

Amadeus

Hero

Russian Arc

The Exorcist

Apollo 13

Léon: The Professional

Mulholland Dr.

The Graduate

American History X

Trainspotting

Gosford Park

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

Chinatown

Shane

12 Angry Men

The Big Lebowski

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Lion King

Hamlet (1996)

Le Samuraï

Chariots of Fire

The Big Sleep

Lost in Translation

Roman Holiday

Heat

Battle of Algiers

Raging Bull

Hot Fuzz

Drive

Scorpio Rising

American Psycho

Werkmeister Harmonies

Her

Airplane!

City of God

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Moonlight

The Sweet Smell of Success

Children of Men

Dunkirk

Apocalypto

Network

The Devil Wears Prada

Shame

The Last Picture Show

Olympia Part II: Festival of Beauty

Jaws

The Social Network

The Third Man