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jellycrusher · 1 year ago

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Distance pt. 1

INITIALLY POSTED ON MY FORMER PAGE: bts-teaspoonff

Genre: Romance, Oblivious Mutual Pining, Operation:Jealousy, College!AU, eventual smut

Pairing: Jimin x reader

Rating: PG-13 (last chapter - M rating)

Synopsis: You adore Jimin but you’ve kept it a secret from him despite being so close to him. Jimin turns out that he feels the same. Would you be able to erase the distance between you and Jimin when mountains of obstacles come both your way?

Word count: 6.7k

PARTS: 1 | 2 | 3

(A/N) I know I updated you guys about this being a oneshot but as I was writing it, it became a bit long and I was also busy with a lot right now. I will split this supposed-to-be-one-shot into two or three parts. It won’t be a long fanfic.

Loud blasts of sounds coming from the room beside mine woke me up from my nap. My brother’s speakers were on full blast, with no regards for life present inside the house that might be savoring the peaceful afternoon that was once inhabiting this house. I rolled to the other side of my bed and buried my face under the pillow. I really tried to mask the noise but apparently, he shot up the volume twofold. I trashed my blanket away from me and stood up from the bed. Still half awake, I bolted out of my room. Standing in front of my brother’s room, I bombarded his door with loud and mad whacks. He knows I take my afternoon slumber a bit more seriously so he better make sure to expect an earful from me.

“Jeon Jungkook. Open this door this instant!” I brutally murdered his door with knocks and pounds then I was greeted by a smiling Jungkook, as he opens the door with just his head peeking through. “I was taking a nap. Good dream in fact. Give me one reason now, for me not to cut the wire of your speakers.”

“I have a good one actually.” He fully opened the door and then I was greeted by two smiling angels, or little devils depending on their mood. Jimin and Taehyung, my brother’s best friends and also my batch mates in college. I was in awe at the sight of Jimin sitting on a beanbag across the room. Not a moment ago, he was fully occupying my dreams and now, he’s here sitting quietly enjoying his bag of chips. Taehyung still continuing to dance over the songs that, I might add, are making my ears bleed with how loud it is.

“You know I don’t question your music taste, but do you want me to check your ears? Are you deaf that you need to turn up the music this loud? The walls of this house are gonna crumble down any moment with how ground-shaking and deafening it is.” Jimin chuckling while taking a mouthful of chips in his hands from the bag. Jungkook was still wiggling his butt to the music. I was stealing glances at Jimin as Jungkook proceeded to turn the volume of his speakers down. “Thank you.”

“Sorry. I forgot that you were at home. I thought you were at your part time work.” Jungkook leaned on the door with his arms over his head. “Mom and Dad are on a trip so I figured I could enjoy the house.” Jimin stood up from where he was seated and I could feel a small pull from my chest as he fixed his shirt. I admired his skinny but toned arms and ethereal face, glowing from the golden hour just emanating from the windows in my brother’s room. It is not helping that he was wearing a white loose long-sleeved shirt but still shows his amazing physique, which is totally my type.

“Hey.” I could feel the heat inside my body just from this small greeting from Jimin. Gosh, I am so totally attracted to this man. “Sorry to disturb your nap. We really thought you weren’t at home.” Jungkook removed his arms on the door and went back to join Taehyung, who is still enjoying bopping to songs in the background like the comedian he is. Jimin, now leaning on the door in front of me, looked straight into my eyes while smiling. I was taken aback and found my head back up from embarrassment that he might discover the flush stamped on my face.

He threw what seems to be my brother’s heavy blanket over my chest. I looked down and caught the blanket, and stared back at him looking puzzled. “Cover up.” He jokingly grinned. I looked down again and I realized that I was wearing a spaghetti strap tank and boxer shorts. I was beet red from embarrassment. Why did I forget the lack of clothing I’m wearing and here I am still in front of my crush like I’m parading myself?.

Jimin cleared his throat. “Are you gonna come to the party at Hoseok’s house this weekend?”

“I guess so. Are you gonna go?” I asked back.

“I might. I haven’t really decided yet.” He rubbed his nape and looked at me. It’s as if time slowed down as we both look into each other’s eyes. The tension was slowly suffocating me and I couldn’t muster a word.

“How about you go with us? I’ll drive.” Taehyung slid himself through the small space between Jimin’s body and the door.

“I thought Jimin’s not decided yet?”

“Oh.” Taehyung turned to look at Jimin. “He’s going to come to the party. I’m sure.” Taehyung chuckled.

Jimin just stood there quiet, with both his hands at his side. “Okay. You guys pick me up at 8?” Taehyung nods and proudly places his arms on Jimin’s shoulder.

“Noona, can you order pizza? I’m famished.” I saw Jungkook from behind, sitting down on his bean bag. He was sweating profusely on his forehead and trying to catch his breath. Looks like him and Tae danced their asses off.

“Sure. I was about to ask you the same thing.” I smiled as I step out of Jungkook’s room and hurriedly ran towards mine, Jungkook’s blanket still wrapped around me, to phone the pizza place. However, a part of me also wanted to quickly escape the tension that was brewing in the room.

Taehyung nudges Jimin’s side, warranting an eye smirk from Jimin. “What was that? Getting your tongue-tied?” He whispered as he stood in front of Jimin, just inches away from the open door. “You’re not doing a good job hiding your feelings.” He looked behind Jimin and towards Jungkook to make sure the younger boy doesn’t hear what he’s saying.

“What are you talking about?” Jimin whispered back.

“I’m obviously talking about y/n.” Taehyung poked at Jimin’s stomach, suprising him. “In this situation, why don’t you just confess if you’re going to be so obvious?”

“Am I really… that obvious?” asks Jimin.

“I’m your best friend since high school. I know you like the back of my hand. Besides, it’s like you become this shy little boy when it comes to her. You look so cute.” Taehyung scoffs, rubbing his hand on Jimin’s chin before walking back to Jungkook.

…..

“What was that? I thought he’s gonna hear my heart pounding.” I gently pat my hands on my chest, leaning on the door of my room. I paced around my room to calm down the party in my chest.

I used to just see Jimin as the goofy classmate and a friend of my brother’s. I already kind of know him even back then since he was slightly popular with the girls. Girls tend to ogle and chat whenever Taehyung and Jimin pass by through the halls. Come on, who wouldn’t? I admit that those two really look handsome but it didn’t faze me before. They became friends with my brother when they formed this band together with other boys from the campus.

We were once paired to present a report together in a class that we were both taking at the time when we were college sophomores. I’m not much of a talker especially to strangers. I’m comfortable enough with the company and stories of my few friends. That’s why it surprised me back then that Jimin would keep on making small talk even outside of our class while we were working together on our presentation. I just thought he would make me do all the work and not pay attention. He was really helpful with our presentation, even nitpicking all the small details.

Whenever he and Taehyung would visit my brother at home to do band practice, he would sneak in some moments to work with me on our presentation. I really saw his efforts when the date for their band performance and our presentation coincided on the same week.

“It’s okay. I can finish this. You can go back downstairs.” I was yawning in front of Jimin, while he snuck out from their practice downstairs to come to my room. He was adamant on working on the presentation.

“I want to work on this… with you.” I was sitting in front of my computer while Jimin was sitting beside me. I could feel his eyes locked on me as I let out another yawn. He slid his fingers on top of mine and I looked at him. The air in the room was ghost-quiet but my heartbeat was so deafening. It was the first time I felt shy around Jimin. I pulled my hand away from his. He cleared his throat and looked away. “What kind of a partner am I if I push all this on you? I don’t want my name to be on our work if I, at least, don’t put in this much effort.” He laughed and we both looked at each once more.

I guess I liked him since then. Ever since that night, my heart would jump at the sight of him. It’s like I got this pink sparkly filter in my eyes whenever I would see Jimin. I would become tongue-tied whenever I would be near him. I would be distracted in class, staring at him like what the other girls would do. I kept this to myself and I don’t want to be like other girls who go crazy over him and bother him. I thought to myself that my feelings would just be a waste of his time.

The week of his band performance and our presentation came. He still looks so handsome and perfect when he should be showing signs of stress and overwork. Their band practice would last until past midnight and he would allot at least an hour to work with me. I would sneak glances at his hands while I was typing and researching on the net. Sometimes, his hands would tremble from overwork. He would play the guitar for hours without rest. I could really see that he was tired. I would push him to just go home and rest since our report is almost finished but he would insist to stay in my room for at least an hour. Sometimes, he would nap on my beanbag for a few minutes then sneak back on the chair beside me to discuss our report.

Two days before their band performance, he unconsciously took a long nap on my beanbag. He was curled up like a cat, hugging his legs. He was so adorable like he could fit in my hands curled up like that. I noticed that my room was a bit cold so I took my blanket and placed it around him. As I was closing my distance from him, I heard him whisper my name so softly followed by a smile. My heart stopped and I stared at him. I wanted to caress his cheek. I was the only one to witness the cool Jimin from our campus curled up and vulnerable like this. Even if he wasn’t aware of my romantic feelings towards him, I was content with this distance. He is way out of my league. What would a cool and popular guy want from a normal college girl like me? Then I realized that my hand moved on its own and was now on Jimin’s soft and warm cheeks. I swiftly pulled my hand away and quietly walked back to my desktop.

It was not a surprise that their performance went on without a hitch and they became the talk of the campus. It was funny because Jungkook became a campus favorite as well. It was so funny to see that Jungkook would have eyes follow him wherever he would go. Girls loved his voice during the performance, screaming his name that night. All of them in the band became celebrities around the campus. Despite being the guitarist, Jimin also sang small parts in their songs and belted out high notes. I stayed at the far most corner and watched their whole performance that night. Jimin kept on searching through the crowd the whole night and there was a moment when I caught him connecting his gaze with me. His face lit up like a Christmas tree. You might even think that he was searching for me and was so glad to spot me at the back of the audience. I wish that was the case but there’s nothing bad in imagining it.

Our report was also commended by our professors, even getting praises from our fellow classmates. I was so proud of Jimin that he was able to achieve all of these achievements that week. I saw his hard work and dedication in all that he does. It makes me laugh that I had this former impression from him that he was just a typical popular guy who has no interest in anything but girls and vanity. Well, he really takes good care of himself and how he presents himself so I guess I could call him a bit vain.

The week after our report and their performance, he would still make small talks with me even outside our class. The band also frequently hangs out at our house, which made my college life a bit more chaotic but fun.

During our junior year, we barely had any class together and our schedules don’t match. I would just see him whenever he would visit my brother at home along with his other bandmates. We would occasionally eat together but only when my brother and his bandmates would push their way in my peaceful lunch time. He would sit beside me though, making my inner self very glad. I would, however, make sure that I was not so close to him since I was aware of the eyes of other girls behind him. He would show me a frown every time I would do this but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. I don’t want him to know how I feel.

Our junior year went on like this. Not much interaction around the campus but I would be excited whenever we would be in the same place outside of school. I grew closer with their other bandmates, especially with Hoseok and Namjoon. The two of them were a year ahead of us and they both became my older brothers in a way. Hoseok would always know what to do to cheer me up and Namjoon would give me the best advices on everything. Although Namjoon is one year older than me, sometimes I feel like I’m the one taking care of him since he’s always clumsy. Whenever Hoseok is not free to offer a ride to Namjoon, he would always text me to accompany him somewhere. I share the same sentiment with Hoseok and the other members in the band that Namjoon shouldn’t ever drive for the sake of world peace.

As months go by, I grew a lot closer with those two than Jimin. We became a bit distant and Jimin would turn silent or timid whenever we would be in the same place. A few exchanges but the tension between us grew bigger. I don’t even know if he hates me, doesn’t want my company or just plain indifference. I couldn’t read him nowadays. Maybe we grew to be different people and I was just lucky that I was his partner for that one specific class report or I was just his bandmate’s sister. That’s it.

Now, we’re in the middle of our Senior Year. Hoseok and Namjoon have already graduated. Namjoon went away to live in another city to work while Hoseok stayed around here to work as an intern at a local subsidiary company of a renowned music label. Hoseok would sometimes visit Jungkook here at home with Jimin and Taehyung or he would ask us, sometimes including me, to visit him at home.

My friendship with Jimin got a little better this year compared to our junior year. Since the band is not active anymore, the three remaining boys relied on each other more. Taehyung would always barge in our house, sometimes un-announced, but not always alone. He would always come by at our house with Jimin. The both of them adore my brother too much to the point that they look miserable when separated from my brother, despite being older.

…..

“What movie do you guys want to choose in Netflix?” Taehyung occupied the far most left spot on the couch in the living room. I was still in the kitchen getting two slices of pepperoni pizza for myself and my brother. Jungkook was standing beside me, waiting patiently for his pizza. I handed him his plate and he quickly walked away to the living room. As he disappears from the kitchen, Jimin appeared. He stretched out his arm to reach for the other pizza box. Once more, the air in the kitchen became heavy.

“I’m glad you’re with my brother. He really needs the company.” Jungkook was just dumped by his girlfriend a week ago. I tried to start up a conversation with Jimin as I couldn’t take the heavy tension in the air.

“Yeah. Don’t worry, we’re here for him.” He closes the pizza box as soon as he pulls out a slice. “…as we are for you. Don’t forget that.” I looked at him and as I was about to say something when my phone’s screen lights up from beside the pizza box. Jimin also looks at my phone.

“Hoseok’s calling me. I should… answer.”

Honestly, I was taken aback from what Jimin said then I began to wonder when did we became this awkward with each other. No matter how much I try to remove the heavy air, it always just comes back up. “Yes?” I answer the call and saw Jimin turning towards the living room. He proceeds to sit in the middle of the couch.

“Y/N!!!!!!” I was greeted with a cheerful shout from Hoseok. “Are you coming to my party tomorrow?”

“Jimin, do you want some fried chicken?” Taehyung calls for Jimin as he offers his plate. Jimin took one chicken from Taehyung’s plate. “Who is she talking to?” Taehyung points.

“Hoseok-hyung.” Jimin’s eyes still glued to the screen as Jungkook chooses a movie.

Taehyung smirks but quickly erases it from his face when Jimin looks at him. “Hey, do you know that Hoseok-hyung plans to confess to y/n tomorrow?” he whispered and nudges Jungkook who sits between him and Jimin.

Jungkook almost choked on a small piece of pizza that he was eating. “HOSEOK-HYUNG?!”

“Yeah. He called me last night to ask me to at least convince y/n to come to the party. You know how she is with new crowds. He wanted me to make sure that she will come to the party tomorrow.” Taehyung looks at his friend. Jimin was frozen in his place, silent and taken aback.

“I didn’t even know that hyung likes my sister. Wait, eww! He likes my sister. Her?” Jungkook exclaims quietly. Taehyung shushed him and knocks his head. “I’m just joking but seriously? I didn’t even realize.”

“Am I the only one around here who pays a lot of attention to their friends?” Taehyung chuckles as he takes a bite on his chicken.

“Who pays attention to whom?” I noticed Taehyung and Jungkook were laughing and causing a ruckus as I walk towards the living room. I stopped behind the couch as I barely hear what Taehyung just said.

“Nothing. I’m just a good friend to everyone.” Taehyung flashes his adorable good boy smile towards me with his eyes squinted. I giggled.

I sat on the far most right spot on the couch beside Jimin. Jungkook chose Love, Rosie and I turned, in confusion, to look at Taehyung and Jimin’s reaction at Jungkook’s odd choice for our movie night. However, they just stayed quiet as the intro scene plays out. Normally, they would bicker on what movie to play but I guess they’re refraining on doing that today since my brother needs to soothe his heart. I would admit that watching a romantic film with my brother and male friends normally warrants a confused expression from anyone but somehow, this is now our normal situation. It just warms my heart thinking that my brother has got some good friends.

…..

I honestly don’t know what dress I should wear tonight. In the back of my mind, I slightly want to look good in front of Jimin. I barely dress up or even come to a party with him. I’m also kind of tired with our current dynamic. I want to get our old dynamic back. I just want to laugh at his jokes and see him dork off. I want to ease myself around him without getting tongue tied.

I nearly tried on all the dresses that I owned. My bedroom is a mess at this point. I tossed some of the dresses on the bed while a few were on my chair. After an hour, I was satisfied on wearing my trusty red dress. Hoseok told me that some of his friends from work are present in the party and I want to look at least presentable. This is not just your normal college party where everyone would get wrecked and drunk.

I gawked at myself through the mirror. The scarlet red dress hugging the right parts of my body. I could feel fire while I stare at the figure-flattering dress on me. The way the short sleeve hugs my arm and puffs ever so slightly above the cuff up until my shoulder. I trailed my hands along the neckline. I like how it plunges just enough for a peek of my soft twins but still gives off a classy and demure impression. It gives off enough allure but not too much without looking over the top. The skirt, hugging my behind, tapers off just around my mid-thigh elegantly emphasizing my curves. I paired it with an almost-beige beret. I’m going all out here. I want Jimin to notice me and maybe, just maybe, he’ll look at me differently now.

“You look nice. Different.” Jungkook stood at my door. I turned around, alerted at his presence. He was smiling while leaning against the door.

“Really?” I shyly twirled around. I have always trusted Jungkook’s taste in fashion. If he deems my dress presentable then I’m satisfied with it.

“Taehyung’s car is already parked out front. Jimin’s downstairs waiting for you.” My heart jumped a beat from hearing his name. Jungkook walked away from the door. I hurriedly placed my trusty charm bracelet around my wrist and collected my bag from the bed. I slowly shuffle down the stairs.

I slowly noticed Jimin’s silhouette come into view as I go down the steps. He was looking out the door, talking to Taehyung who was leaning against his car out on the street. I was about mid-way down the stairs when Taehyung pointed at me to call Jimin’s attention. Jimin turns around and was obviously taken aback by what he was seeing. I unconsciously fix my posture and the way I tread down. He looking straight at me. I could feel a small ember lit up inside my chest but I was determined to catch his attention. As I put my foot down on the last step, I slightly wobble almost slipping. I quickly reach my hand out on the railing to catch myself. I saw Jimin surprised and shuffling away from the door, as if to try and catch me but stopped when I did save myself from falling.

I wanted to scream in embarrassment but I stayed indifferent. I just continued to smile until I stood a few inches away from Jimin. He was still staring at me, shyly checking me out. He looks rather ravishing tonight as well. He was clad in a white long sleeved button-down shirt tucked in his black sleek pants paired with a classic black belt. His black hair flowing across his forehead. Simple but so Jimin-like. Just the way I like it.

“You look beautiful.” Jimin smiled. I could feel my cheeks burning from his compliment. Much to my chagrin, this small compliment completely erased my inner humiliation from a while ago.

“Thank you. You look nice as well.” I beamed back at him.

We both walked out the door and to Taehyung’s car. Taehyung complimented on my outfit as well. I teased him that his outfit was the only one making his appearance work. The three of us laughed and entered the car. Jungkook soon followed.

I thought I was going to squeeze out at least a conversation from Jimin but he stayed somewhat silent throughout the drive to Hoseok’s. Taehyung was talking to me while peeking from the rearview mirror as I sat behind with Jungkook. Jimin sat in front, making small conversation but he didn’t even stole some glances towards my direction.

We finally arrived at Hoseok’s. The four of us wading through the crowd to look for the host of the party.

“Guys!” A scream came from ahead of us, hidden behind the crowd. We immediately recognize who it is. “I missed you guys!” Hoseok came running, hugging all of us. I almost panicked at the sudden contact and looked for Jimin. I’m glad he was not beside or else, my chest would be buried across his arms. Instead, Jungkook was the recipient of this dreaded moment. Luckily, I pushed the thought aside since it’s just my brother.

“Hyung, we missed you.” Taehyung frowns and hugs Hoseok. He hugs Taehyung back.

“I heard the baby of the group got dumped.” Hoseok releases Taehyung from his arms and looks at Jungkook. Jungkook shyly laughs and hugs Hoseok as well.

“I missed you as well, hyung.” Jungkook lightly punches Hoseok’s arm as a joke. Hoseok does this complex handshake with Jimin from behind Jungkook as my brother is still wrapped around Hoseok’s body. Hoseok finally turns his eyes to me. He smiles and releases my brother.

“Look at you. I haven’t seen you in two months and here you are, looking so wonderful tonight.” He twirled me around, getting giggles from Jungkook and Taehyung. “Is it for me?” I jokingly hit Hoseok’s arm.

“This is a nice party. I gotta look okay so as not to embarrass you.” I swear I could feel Jimin’s stare from my peripheral vision as Hoseok continues to compliment me.

“I have to introduce you all to my workmates.” Hoseok pulls my hand to lead the four of us to the living room. The three boys followed the two of us. He stops just before two men. He calls them out and the two men turns to us. “Guys, these are my college bandmates that I was talking about.” I stood aside as he reaches his out towards Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook.

“Nice to meet you.” Jungkook respectfully bows and shakes the two men’s hand. The three of them take their turns in introducing themselves to the two men.

“Guys, these are Yoongi and Seokjin. Yoongi is a producer while Seokjin is an aspiring artist soon to debut under our label.” The three of them bowing once more, as well as myself.

“Who is this beautiful lady beside you?” They all turned to look at me as Seokjin turns the attention to me. I smiled and shyly bowed.

“I’m Y/N. Jungkook’s brother and I suppose you could say I was appointed as their manager when they were still active as a band.”

“So you’re Y/N? I heard a lot about you from Hoseok. He used to…” Hoseok quickly nudges Seokjin’s side and laughed. Seokjin stopped and just giggled.

“I heard a few of your songs. It was amazing.” Yoongi slips in. Taehyung and Jimin beamed at Yoongi. They were now starting to talk about music. Not that I don’t care about it but I don’t understand the technical part of it. I silently excused myself out from their conversation, not telling anyone from the group that I walked away.

I make my way to the mini bar. I could really use a drink and honestly, a time out from the boys. This dress should be making Jimin notice me but I guess I don’t have enough charm. With slight frustration comes a bravery to order two cocktail right away. As I wait for my drinks, I look around the party. I recognize some of the guests but I guess a few of them would be Hoseok’s acquaintances. I’m not much of a party person but it turned out that I only enjoy going to one when I’m with the boys.

“Why are you alone?” I heard a voice from behind me. I turned around and saw Jimin walking towards the bar. He stood beside me, leaning his arms on the bar stool.

“You guys were talking about music and I’m honest that I don’t understand a lot of it so I went to the bar. Also, I figured that I needed a drink.” Because of you but I can’t tell him that.

“Well then, you’re not drinking alone.” He proceeded to order his drink. While he was turned towards the bartender, I nervously fixed my dress and my posture. I slightly puffed out my chest and bent my waist, leaning on the bar stool. “So… there’s something we need to talk about.” I nervously stood straight from his words.

“Okay… What is it?” As of this moment, I felt like I was treading on thin ice. I couldn’t hear the blasting music from the party and the chatter from everyone else here. He was fiddling with his hands, which got me thinking that maybe it got something to do with me. I’m so nervous on what he was about to say.

“Uhhh…. Jungkook, Taehyung and I were planning to perform again at the Gala night.” Okay. I got my hopes up for nothing. “We’re in a slump trying to write a song. The organizers told us that we should at least perform one song about Love. Jungkook was our main songwriter but he told us that he doesn’t want to. We understand why he doesn’t want to but Taehyung and I are really doing our best. We just couldn’t come up with good lyrics.”

“Wait, why are you telling me this? Don’t tell me…”

“We need your help. I need your help.” He stared at me. “You and Namjoon-hyung worked together on one of our songs and it was a hit. Maybe you could do it again this time?”

“Yeah, but that was a song about hardships of youth. I just included my real thoughts into the songs. I guess that’s why the lyrics came easy to me. Besides, most of the lyrics came from Namjoon.” Jimin held my hand, which surprised me. He did his puppy eyes and silently begged me. I could see him grinning and tilting his head. It’s funny because the way he looks right now, it’s like we’re back to normal again. I smiled as I was amused by Jimin’s antics.

“You could try to include your real thoughts through the lyrics. Tae and I will help but we figured that we need another set of brains. We don’t want to make a song just for the sake of performing on the Gala night. We really want to make it good.” I could feel Jimin’s passion for music flowing out of him right now. This was one of the reason why I grew to like him a lot. He gives his all on whatever he does.

“Okay but trust me, I haven’t been in a relationship in a long time. My input might not be helpful.” I giggled.

“That’s okay. Neither have I.”

“Really? I thought…” Before I get to finish my sentence, the bartender gives out our drinks. Two for me and one for Jimin. He saw the two glasses I pulled from the bartender’s hands and chuckled.

“Going all out?” He asked, laughing while trying to cover his mouth.

“I told you I really needed a drink.” Even before I got a sip on my liquid courage, I’m glad we’re having this conversation and it’s going pretty smoothly.

“You want to sit over there?” Jimin pointed out a small couch just outside the reception area and beside the swimming pool. I nodded and followed him. We make our way out through the crowd and out the living room towards the pool area. He let me sit on the couch first and sat beside me. I placed my other drink on the small coffee table in front us while I sip on my drink that was in my other hand.

“I can’t remember correctly when the Gala Night would be. Is that… two weeks before our graduation?” I closed my eyes as I try to remember the significant dates.

“Yeah. I guess the Gala night would be… a month from now.” He casually sipped on his drink.

“Oh wow. That fast huh? We’re about to graduate from College.” I looked at him as I try to savor those words. Graduation. When we graduate, I won’t see him around and Taehyung. Jungkook would still be in college as a senior. Thinking about it just makes me sad.

“Wait, what are you going to ask me just before the bartender gave out the drinks?” he asks.

“Oh. I’m just surprised that you haven’t been in a relationship in a long time. I thought that with the abundance of choices around you, you might have your eyes on somebody already. ” We both sipped from our glasses. His gaze lingered on the floor for a second while sipping on his drink before he replied.

“I do actually.” I choked on my drink. “But I don’t think it’s the right time for the both of us. She might not even be attracted to me.” Jimin’s face is now somber.

“Who wouldn’t be attracted to you? Look at you, you’re plenty attractive.” Well, I am but that doesn’t erase the fact the he likes somebody already. He might even be courting her already. I finished my first drink and reached for my second.

Jimin stayed with me until I finish my two drinks. We talked about almost everything and you’ll wonder why we even became awkward in the first place. My heart was jumping all around the whole time we were chatting up. I was conscious if I smelled good or if I still look good. Taehyung gave us another round of drinks and went back inside to chat with Yoongi and Seokjin once more. I wanted my nerves to take a break so I asked Jimin to get me another drink from the bar. He stood up and left me on the couch. As soon as he was out of my sight, I slumped back on the couch.

Normally, I wouldn’t be this nervous talking to any boy. It’s not like I’m a stranger to love. I have one ex-boyfriend and that relationship ended on bad terms. That was in high school and ever since then, I haven’t fallen in love with anyone. Not since Jimin came barging into my life. It was really a push and pull situation ever since then.

“Hey miss. Can I seat beside you?” I heard a male voice coming from my side. I was still slumped back on the couch with eyes closed. I sat up properly and saw a stranger with two drinks in his hand.

“This seat is actually taken. He’s just getting our drinks.” I placed my hand on the space beside me so as to show him that I am not interested in his company.

“But no one is seating there right now.” He proceeded to seat beside me, disregarding my hand that he almost sat on it. “You can have my other drink instead.” He gives his other drink out to my hand. I inched myself away from this guy who’s beginning to irritate me.

“No thanks. My friend would be here soon.” I placed the drink that he handed me on the table. I got a whiff of this stranger’s scent and he smelled strongly of alcohol. Shoot. This guy is very intoxicated.

“Come on. I’m lonely. Can’t you entertain me at least while your friend is not here yet?” I was looking at his face while I wiggled away to the far side of my part of the couch. I didn’t realize that he started wrapping his hands on my thighs. I was shocked by the coldness of his hands and a shiver went down to my spine. I couldn’t think of any words and my hands started to tremble.

When I was about to push his hands away, I was shocked when somebody pulled the stranger off the couch. I looked up and saw a very furious Hoseok holding the stranger by the collar. He pushed the man off and shouted something out. I couldn’t really hear anything clearly right now but I was sure when Hoseok kneeled down in front of me and talked to me.

I looked around and everyone’s attention was now on us. It didn’t register to me yet at how Hoseok shouted at the man must’ve been really loud to get the attention of even the people on the second floor. Some of them were peeking their heads out the balcony overlooking the pool and garden.

“Hey, are you okay? He didn’t try to touch you anywhere?” Hoseok was kneeling down in front me, placing his jacket on my lap.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” Everyone was still murmuring and looking at us. I was even more bashful at the amount of attention we’re getting now. Suddenly, my attention went to Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook who were standing feet away from us. Jimin’s face looked so gloomy watching Hoseok and I while Taehyung and Jungkook were visibly arguing with the stranger who just took advantage of me.

“No you’re not. I’ll drive you home.” Hoseok took my hand and stood up.

“Jimin or Taehyung can drive me home. I came here with them.” I followed suit and stood up with Hoseok’s jacket still in my hands placed on my thighs.

“Those two drank. They can sleep here tonight.” A tone so stern came from Hoseok that I wasn’t even familiar with this kind of composure from him. He pulled my hand as we wade through the crowd. We also passed by a stunned and upset Jimin. Taehyung and Jungkook just watched as Hoseok pulled me through the living room and out the house.

Hoseok was silent as we walk to his car. I entered his car first followed by Hoseok. He soon starts the car and pulled away from the driveway. I looked back at his house thinking that I might have lost another chance to fix things with Jimin. Hoseok was visibly irritated about something as he taps his fingers in rhythms on the steering wheel. I don’t dare to speak to Hoseok as I was more nervous now with how he is irritated at something.

After a 15 minute drive, he stopped his car in front of our house. He was not stepping out of the car, still looking visibly irritated with one hand on the wheel. I thought that this was my cue to go out of the car so I opened the door and exited the silence-filled car. I took a few steps towards our patio when I heard a loud sound from Hoseok’s car door. I turned around and he was rushing, still looking very irritated, around the car and… towards me? I prepared myself for a lecture from Hoseok at how I was not aware of my surroundings and why couldn’t I even ask for the guys’ help when I was obviously in a bad situation. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for an earful scolding from him but I was greeted by a tight hug.

I opened my eyes in confusion as he hugged me tightly. My chin was sitting on the crook of his neck and my arms were frozen at my side. He released me from his arms soon after and he gazed at me with an expression I’m not familiar with. It was not from anger but something soft.

“I like you, y/n.”

Next: pt. 2

#btsteaspoonff #bts x reader #bts fanfic #bts jimin #bts #park jimin fanfic #park jimin #jimin x reader

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korainab · 1 year ago

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List maybe; some stuff I wanna write. Regarding my fixation over Lies of P.

Spoilers I forgot to add THESE

1. Angst holy fuck, lost of it, my boy is slowly becoming human, that also means he's slowly getting traumatized. Lots of pain, pain means human, tears also.

2. I actually wonder what would happen if P decided to take the Puppet's king hand, like don't turn down a kings hand if they ask! Rude P.

3. Post bad ending, somehow P is still walking and he stumbles upon Carlos, they both just stare and like...P goes you took a part of me that made me, me, and Carlos goes You are me. Spiderman meme. I feel as though P would def fight, but he would loose automatically, without a heart how do you function well anyways. Carlos would want to end him, end this Doppelganger but doesn't and gave mercy. He would walk away hesitates (He did technically steal someones heart, maybe the strings that Geppetto attached to him slowly snaps little by little, his hair slowly becomes longer) but continues to walk away. P is then discovered by Dorothy ( Wizard of Oz!!!)

4. I really want to know what the fuck happened to Carlos's arm, it's gone, cut and ripped away. Maybe a small oneshot? A speculation of an author (me). Even the woman on the phone to the guy said something about needing to find the arm and giving it back, what does that mean?? If it's human, it would've rot.

5. The initials on the school uniform is M. Given by Lady Antonia to P, so...is Carlo not his real name? Or is Lady Antonia just giving up a school uniform randomly?

UPDATE 6. CARLO it's not Carlos I accidentally typed it, BUT APPARENTLY FUCKING ROMEO FROM THE KING OF PUPPETS WAS CARLO'S BEST FRIEND AND WHEN WE HAD TO KILL HIM HE SAID "I think this is what freedom feels like, thanks Carlo..." FUCK YOUU FUCK OFF WAHAGDJWBS WE HAD TO KILL CARLO'S BEST FRIEND ASWELL AS PROBABLY P'S THINK ABOYT IT THE POTENTIAL BROO

7. I cried when we had to send Sophia off AND THEN BRING HER BACK?? SISTER FIGURE IS BACK MY SISTER MY BIG SISTERR!!!

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amyisherenowitsokay · 2 years ago

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claps hands together. hi hope you've been well, sorry i haven't asked much. buuuut. I forgot you wrote a thing until lately. :}

War On Love. How would it have continued/ended, what plot beats where there supposed to be if you remember any, etc?

also this'll sound weird, mainly because I can't really explain it and I'm still working thru it, but I wanted to say thanks for writing it? Finding it again and reading through it reminded me of things I had forgotten about myself for a while. Which has really helped from then to now. So, yeah, as silly as it sounds, thank you. :}

Lmao you're never obligated to interact with me homie, dw. Feel free to send me whatever when you're vibing, but don't also feel pressured to engage. You're too kind.

Long answer under the cut

I go back and forth on whether I'll ever update WoL. It just has so many bad connotations and memories for me about the headspace I was in while writing it, and where I was at emotionally, etc. On the other hand, I'm also incredibly proud of some of the insights I wrote about Gaz's perspective, and the overall plot twists and where it was going. I also still have a TON of writing for it still in bits and pieces, both important chunks and unimportant, AND like 4 chapters of the sequel written.

Sometimes I'm like, well, I could sort of finish it in the same style that like That Thing on Your Wrist and What We Become, which are more written in sort of continuous blurbs with gentle transitions and takes occasions to focus on really important scenes. I think with what I have written, it'd be feasible, but that'd also mean taking time away from my more important projects like Dead Weight and Re:MHNY2, so I hesitate to really commit to anything. You are not the first person to ask though, so that may be something I end up doing in the long term. A quick add up of the chunks of the story I have written says I have roughly 53k words of unpublished story for WoL. On the one hand, a shame to go to waste, on the other hand, I'm not really sure how I'd feel emotionally about trying to dig it back. Like I said, I go back and forth. Just for bonus trivia, since I gave the unpublished word count for WoL, it's sequel, which had a pending title of War on Finality, has 25k words written, and about a 2k words worth of ideas that I wrote, but wasn't sold on including.

I super appreciate btw your note about "things I had forgotten about myself for awhile." That really resonated with me. WoL has is a bittersweet for me because while it was my attempt to push through the gross stuff happening during that time period that I hadn't processed yet, I'm still also really proud of the messages I was going to include, some of the plot points I'd come up with, plot parallels, the OC's character development and direction, and how incredibly different it was going to be from anything I'd written at that point. I think it'd probably have ended up being one of my most emotive fics, and definitely with the (initial) darkest ending.

That being said, the plot of WoL definitely is it's own whole ass post, so apologies for not being able to answer immediately, but I genuinely think I'd break the character limit of tumblr if I tried to go into it all here lmao. Also, since it comes up sometimes from other dm's I've gotten, I think the better idea for me to do is make a masterpost about WoL and where it was going, include some screenshot blurbs for context, etc. That might take a few days, but when that posts, I'll reblog this with the link to the masterpost.

#amyisherenowansweringyou #war on love #ravenfollower13 #WoL #to be continued #tldr for skimmers is I'm gonna make a masterpost for War on Love for people who were just curious to see how it was gonna end #will reblog this when it's up #zim #fanfiction #invader zim #gaz #zagr #iz

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sesshy380 · 10 months ago

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🧸, 🦷, 🌿, and 🦋 for the truth or dare ask!! ^^

🧸 ⇢ what's the fastest way to become your mutual?

Just start randomly chatting with me. If I don't reply right away, it's usually because I'm busy, but I will reply when I get the chance. If it's been a few days, throw me another rando message. It's entirely possible that my squirrel brain took a glance at it then got distracted and forgot (and without the notif dot, I won't think to check).

If we've been chatting on occasion, but then it's been a few days and you wanna reach out, do it! I am terrible at initiating things, because I brain tells me I am being annoying (I'm sure that's majority of the people here). If your brain does the same and keeps you from sending those rando messages to me, you're not. I have low energy days that sometimes limit my socialization, but it takes a lot for me to find someone annoying. Your competition for 'who is more annoying' is a 15yo that will walk into the room and recite John Cena speaking in Mandarin over and over and over and (that's him being mildly annoying)

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

This one is for making mashed potatoes when you have low energy. It involves knowing ahead of time.

Figure out when your higher energy period is and get the prep work done. Peel, cube, rinse off dirt/excess starch (I do a double rinse), then put in a bowl or the pot you plan to use with cold salt water that covers and put in fridge for later. I've done mine the day before on occasion, and even had one time where something came up so it had to sit in the fridge for an extra day. I don't recommend 2 days in advance on a regular basis, but it can be stretched that far if needed (I suggest replacing the water in this instance before boiling).

When it comes to mashing, electric hand mixers work great. You get a nice creamy texture, though you can leave a few lumps if preferred.

Accidentally added too much liquid during the mashing process? If you have dry instant potato flakes, sprinkle and mix a little at a time until you get the desired consistency.

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

Don't beat yourself up (easier said than done, I know). Do something else for a bit. Your brain will scream on occasion to work on your stuff. Make the attempt to at least look. At one point something might just click.

Maybe you wanna write something, but it's not The Thing™. Do it. Write the randomness that appears. Get it out of your system. Maybe it's not your usual style. Maybe it's incoherent gibberish. Hide it away in a doc labeled 'Gibberish'.

Maybe you're stuck on a scene that you want to go a certain way, but the characters want to do something else. Let them. You can copy/paste everything that will still be relevant for the original plot and pick back up later.

Sometimes you get stuck trying to carry over from a previous chapter, then while cooking a grilled cheese you realize that chapter doesn't even have to be there. Don't delete it, just store it away. It might come in handy later. Sometimes that's the only reason the block existed in the first place. (That totally didn't happen to me)

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately

There are times I feel like I'm letting my readers down with not having any recent updates to TKB 2nd chance.

Add to it that my longfic has also become a 'I will post when I have something', and I'm afraid my longtime readers will think I've become another of those longfic authors that lost interest in their own story and will discontinue writing it.

That is absolutely, positively, not true.

I love my longfic. It's my baby. I'm just starting to get to the part where I feel some readers might start noping out. The tag is there, but it's worded in a way to avoid spoilers. The hints are also there, but I am having to consistently remind myself 'I'm writing for ME'. The end I have in mind is a bit of a cliche, and the dynamics between characters will not be any less string-board.

And I'm frustrated because I don't have anyone that I can discuss future chapter ideas with that has even a clue what's going on. It's one of those stories that you can't simply mention a character name and think you understand their dynamic with other characters, because despite being somewhat canon compliant, it's more parallel timeline with a whole different pre-history. It's the 'What if' of What-if's.

Ask Game here

#ask game #answered asks #atlas #sorry if this got a bit rambly

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cisthehuman · 1 year ago

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CisLunar Dev Blog #2: BonBon

I had an official title for these updates, and as usual I plumb forgot LOL (Edit 4/9/2024: I added the correct title now lol)

Either way I wanted to post more on here (which will in turn make me work more so there is more to post).

I took a lovely weekend a couple months ago to finally begin redoing some of the designs for CisLunar. Including Cis and Lunar, there are 5 characters in all. As more parts of the story are released, there will be more characters added!

But let us focus on the boy of the hour shall we? Today we're going to meet Bonny "BonBon" Bond, Lunar's bestie and fellow radio host/informant/partner in (literal) crime.

Let's start off with his initial design!

I wanted BonBon to be different than Lunar in a lot of ways. First off he's a dog boy (he's got a little bunny in him too). I've always found Lunar looks very....awake, if that makes sense, so I wanted to give BonBon a very sleepy vibe. I wanted him to be a goth that wore mostly neutrals. And yes, he can do that cartoon dog thing when he's listening to something far away.

When I redesigned Lunar, I knew I would have to update BonBon in some fashion (not to toot my own horn, but he's a pretty solid design already). My first step was to doodle him as they were and see what I wanted to get fixed.

When I drew him at this point, I already made the decision to make his hair visibly more curly and changed the fringe. After this little doodle, I decided to make him full time wears all black goth. After getting some inspo from pinterest, I got what I think is a much better design! He still looks adorably sleepy.

In the new design I also decided to make his ears more visibly ear-like. The chain clock is now a nice little dog collar that goes nice with all of his piercings. LOL he also went from not showing a lot of skin to showing a lot more skin. I'm happy to go with the all black outfit as it counters nicely with how bright Lunar's outfit is. While I wanted to add more detail, I wanted to make it simple enough that I can draw more than once lol. Another thing I wanted to establish was the sense of style of the world through the characters' outfits. I wanted the fashion sense to always push the envelope and be more "otherworldly" but also trace back to vintage trends.

Lunar: You look great! BonBon: Thanks dude. Lunar: I can't believe you commit to a fishnet jumpsuit. BonBon: Girl, I also can't believe I commit to it.

Yay! One redesign down, two more to go! The next character is Lunar's mafia bf, Champagne Nebula. Below is the first try at the redesign. I'm planning on redoing it!

Till then! Seee youuuu next timmmeeee

#black artist #black artists on tumblr #cis rambles #digital art #oc art #digital artist

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scarluxia · 1 year ago

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So my day so far has been absolutely exhausting. 9:50 wake up & realize it's time to sort out finances. It's payday, so last night I moved everything leftover to savings. Then I had to explain to spouse how divvying up finances works. It's 1/2 to the Next Week Account. What's left is in thirds, so 1/3 to him and 2/3 to household, from which I take some for personal use. There's the school copay, which included a huge late fee for a day we weren't able to pick him up-- let's talk about that.

I was stranded because Uber kept cancelling my ride. I had to call spouse and have him take off work, which is a city away. He had to take the company van back to the station, get his car, and drive to pick our son up. He was 40 minutes late. I would have been two HOURS late. The director is not lenient about late fees, because she has to pay her staff time and a half if they're there late. That's understandable.

His school is subsidized, but the subsidy will cover only part of this school's tuition. We initially had him in a school with lower tuition, but he hated it there. He loves this school and we're not willing to try switching.

We also pay for the hot lunch program so he gets a variety of food at school and expands his tastes. Then there's the cost of Uber going to pick him up. Spouse drops him off but works too late to pick him up. I take Uber there because I'm unwilling to give up 2 hours of my free time to pick him up on the bus. I add money to my Uber wallet every week rather than having them go through PayPal or charging my card every time.

I forgot to pay the electric bill last month, so I had to put a *little* something towards that. The small one needs a new tray for his stroller and I might have to get him a new rear tire since one of them keeps leaking.

I'm going on a trip in two months because a friend invited me to an event in her city. Her household has some sensory triggers so booking a hotel is a MUST. I booked the flight and hotel today because I wanted the advantage of lower prices and the security of being able to plan ahead something airtight.

Initially I had booked my arrival for the wrong airport, two hours from my preferred destination, so I had to cancel the flight and book a different one. Then I spent time on Google Maps trying to find which hotel (priced lowest to highest) was closest to my friend so meeting up will be less of a hassle.

While I was doing that, the small one was asking for a hundred FUCKING THINGS and some lady called to bitch at me about his lead levels.

I told the lady there's nothing we can do about his lead levels and she was like "well ACTUALLY yes there is, if you feed him this or that", so I told her we feed him what's available and hung up on her ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

And THEN his developmental specialist came over to try to direct him to play with specific toys in a specific way. He got pretty cranky at the end so then naptime.

So then I went to the post office to send baby supplies to my pregnant friend who's expecting in ten weeks. The system got her address wrong so I had to go BACK into, get in the back of a magically appearing line, and explain to the teller that I needed to change the address, and ask her to update the system, and she didn't like that but again, ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Then when I got back, the small one either hadn't napped or just woke up, but I had to take a call from my nutritionist, and then after that I got us ready to go to the grocery store and the park. At the grocery store, he wanted to eat food before we paid for it. We're at the park now but it feels like I'm about to just stop functioning.

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cambria-writes · 2 years ago

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hello! hi! i'm starting to learn that updating two fics in one day is a little bit too much. i was gonna post this on monday but then I got distracted so. here’s a midweek update. :)

me, wondering why I don’t have notes on the new chapter: why am I not—oh. oh it’s still in the drafts

is there perhaps a plot hole i forgot to cover up? maybe! (definitely actually but it's more like a slip of the... fingers?) anyways it contributes to the mystery so it's fine! probably. word count: 1,688 it’s babie rating: T, each chapter rated individually warnings: talks about last murder, Jane being a menace, lmk if I should add anything else!

𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝕰𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙: 𝔇𝔞𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔩𝔦𝔬𝔫

As soon as you're out of the building, you feel the need to ask. Instead, restrain yourself. Word it differently.

"It feels like you're starting to believe me." Clutch the strap of your bag to your chest. Mr Jane's mouth twitches in a way you don't recognize. You can't tell what it means.

"There's still no such thing as psychics," he replied evenly. Looks sideways at you, considers you for a moment. Opens the passenger door of the car for you. "Doesn't mean I have the answers to everything. Probably." You scoff and drop yourself into a passenger seat that is becoming far too familiar.

You still have no idea where you're going. It's a struggle, initially, not to ask. Once you get to talking about the music on the radio, you're fine. You have something to talk about, take your mind off things. Talk about the musical arrangement, your favourite score composers, instruments. Remember that one time, the first time, you went to see a symphonic orchestra, and how you cried like a child. You were twelve, okay, yes, but still.

You're nervously rambling and you know it. Jane doesn't point it out. Indulges you with a few hums and questions here and there. For the better part of the car ride, however, you try to nap. Once you've exhausted yourself of conversation, you realize you've had... not much sleep. Eyes feel dry, throat feels sore and legs feel stiff.

Thankfully, you don't dream.

Somehow, you manage to wake up a few minutes before you arrive. Wherever it is you're being taken to. Glance at the dashboard clock; nearly four hours have passed. Vaguely remember Mr Jane driving northbound. Most likely far past Yuba by now. You feel a small sense of disappointment. You honestly thought there was a chance you might be going home.

You get the very distinct feeling that where you're going is nowhere near as pleasant.

"Welcome back among the living," is what Mr Jane greets you with when you sit up straighter. You stifle a yawn; look out the window, and glare. Rain. Perfect. The sky had seemed clear when you left. Four hours is a lot of time for weather, apparently.

"Should I even bother to ask where we are?," you ask, tired, rubbing your eyes. Not sure if they feel any less dry than before.

"No point in it," comes a pleasant, chipper reply. It almost rubs you the wrong way.

A quick look around reveals that you're driving along a coastal highway. The 1, if you had to guess. Mr Jane seems resolutely staring off to the left. Not sure if he's looking for a house or out at sea.

"Fun fact, this little corner of Mendocino," he starts, and you sit straighter. At least now you have a name. "Is referred to as Slaughterhouse Gulch. Just makes you want to take a vacation here, doesn't it?"

A shiver runs down the back of your neck. "Oh, yeah, absolutely. Want to raise a family here," you deadpan. What kind of genius names a place Slaughterhouse Gulch?

Mr Jane almost snickers at your disdain. You huff, pull out your phone, and begin to google. There are a ton of useless links to maps of the area. A few to places completely out of state. (Of note is the Slaughterhouse Gulch haunted house, which you promptly frown at. Not what you're looking for.)

The rule of thumb is that if it isn't on the first page, try searching something else. You click on to the next page anyways. More maps. Nothing useful. Only on the fourth page do you find a link to an article written in the early 2000s.

There isn't much detail, but there's enough to make you uncomfortable. The Gulch was the hunting ground for a presumed serial killer. Women went missing every few months over the course of four or five years. The latest missing person reported dates back to 2003. For two years investigators followed less than solid leads, until the trail eventually went cold. Nothing to find, nothing to do.

"Anything interesting?" You just about jump out of your skin. Jane actually chuckles nervously before apologizing. "Geez, someone's a little jumpy."

"I was shot yesterday." Hold your hand to your chest to steady your heart and your breath.

Mr Jane seems to consider his words. "So?" You blink at him. "What did you find?" He keeps his eyes on the road. Looks to be ready to take an off ramp. Marvelous.

Shake your head, flip your phone around in your hands. "There's not much to find," you answer after a while. You determinedly keep your gaze on your feet. "Something about a serial killer that no one ever caught. Has a weird MO, only goes for women, used to take them from the Gulch until 2003, then nothing."

The silence coming from the driver's seat leads you to believe you should continue.

"Then there's... whoever's been taking people around the south?" Bite the inside of your cheek, when something strikes you. You frown. "Wait. Doesn't she seem to stick to the shore?"

"Not a bad guess," is Mr Jane's reply. A small bit of pride swells in your chest. Make quick work of rationalizing it away and ignoring it. "Why do you think?"

It takes a little bit for you to come up with an answer. By the time your thoughts are sorted, Mr Jane is weaving through narrow roads, slowly approaching the shore and its properties.

"I'm not sure. The bodies of the women that disappeared before 2003 were never found, right?" You get a short nod. "Maybe to drop them in the ocean..?" You trail off, resume biting the inside of your cheek.

You honestly feel like a clueless child trying to impress a grandparent. There can't be any way any of what you’re saying hits anywhere close to the mark. You have no background in criminology (high school classes in civil rights and law don't count, and you know it) and you have very little experience in criminal psychology, let alone profiling.

You have no idea why a consulting mentalist is asking you anything.

"I know that look," Jane says. When you turn to look at him, his eyes are still glued to the road. "You're smarter than you think. Miss Benraft. So tell me, why do you doubt that the bodies were dropped in the water?"

That he could sense your unease with your own statement is troubling, but that, too, you ignore. "Unless they were, uh. Disposed? Further from the shore? The current would just beach their bodies, right? So someone would have found something by now."

Again. Ignore the pride from the smirk you get. You look down at your phone's dark screen.

"I'm missing something super obvious right now, aren't I."

It's not a question. "The most obvious thing," Mr Jane answers anyway.

You sigh, close your eyes, hang your head. Your mind is too far into crevices, you know. You wouldn't be able to look at the bigger picture here if it hit you in the face with a truck.

When the car slows, and Mr Jane shifts down, you look up and out. The sight of a pale yellow house makes your stomach turn. Taste bile in the back of your throat. You do your best imitation of someone who isn't terrified.

"This isn't the cabin I saw, though."

Jane sighs, almost wistfully. "Dreams are a projection of the subconscious mind, Miss Benraft. What you saw was what you think is a comfortable, warm home. This," he waves at the custard coloured house. "Is probably someone's idea of comfort. God knows it isn't mine, either. But what can you do." Punctuates the end of his sentence by parking the car. You grab his shoulder before he can get out.

"Wait! Wait. What is this place? I don't—who lives here? Are we allowed to go in?" You get a wolfish grin as a reply before Mr Jane pulls himself away from you and out of the car.

You make a cursory attempt at steadying your breathing before climbing out. Wasn't very successful. Rake your nails against the strap of your bag. Walking up the small stone pathway to the door makes your heart thump increasingly hard against your ribcage. It may not look like the cabin in your dreams, but the visceral feeling of dread remains the same.

Mr Jane stops at the door, looks left and right (you don't like that at all) before kneeling in front of the door. You crowd him instantly, try your best to cover what he's doing.

"What the hell are you—what are you doing?" Frantically look around you. The whole street seems deserted; no cars in any driveways, no one walking around. The anxiety doesn't leave you regardless. "Are you actually allowed to do that? What the hell, are you a locksmith?"

A bark of laughter. Alright then, not a locksmith. "It's not illegal if we're not caught, right?" he offers you, standing up and turning to face you.

He is instantly five miles too close to you. Takes a second for you, long enough to think that Mr Jane probably hasn't shaved in a day or two, before you practically leap out of your skin. His chuckle isn't as carefree as it usually sounds. You don't bother to steady your breathing this time. Make a note to maybe go on a date soon. You probably need it.

The door opens soundlessly, signs of a property well maintained. A question pops up again.

"Wait, are we supposed to be here? Does anyone live here?" Look around; you notice the distinct lack of a "FOR SALE" sign on the lawn. Panic rises in your throat.

Mr Jane waltzes into the home without looking behind him. "Probably. Doesn't really matter; we're just going for a stroll on the beach." Through a house. That is presumably owned. And lived in. You dither at the door before stepping through the threshold.

You can only manage an unintelligible groan before crumpling to the floor unconscious.

𝓣𝓪𝓰𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽

@fucklife-or-me @yearningforsappho

#honey and the hatchet #fanfic #fanfiction #patrick jane #the mentalist #Patrick Jane x reader #reader insert #guns #the mentalist fanfiction #procedural fic #mystery of week #mentions of murder #mentions of kidnapping #mentions of a lot of crimes tbh #descriptions of dead bodies #AFAB reader

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goddesswithin111 · 2 years ago

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Personal void journey - Signs

This post is related to my previous one (48HC update), and I will write about the signs I’ve been asking for & receiving during this journey. Sometimes I ask for guidance & signs from my spirit guides and it’s fun! I learned about the void in late June and took a break from it. For those interested (if you believe in signs) you can try talking to your guides, or spiritual team in general, or the universe, or anything you believe in, for signs. I started asking my guides for signs in July and here’s a timeline:

July 20: asked to receive signs of Aliens👽 if I’m close to getting into the void. I was focusing on other manifestations at that time, not really the void. So I’am just going with the flow knowing that I will enter the void one day. I was open to receiving the sign anytime & I let it go.

July 29: days later, I saw the word “alien” on twitter, the day Beyonce’s Renaissance album was released (Alien Superstar song). I’ve been seeing/hearing alien👽 since then, even today my sister was talking about aliens lol.

August 4: I like asking my guides for confirmations, so I asked them for signs of Cactus🌵 just to confirm the alien signs. I saw the word “cactus” that same day. From then, I started affirming things like “I can easily enter the void state” “I’am the void, the void is me” “I'am a Goddess, a powerful manifestor”

Aug. 7: I know we can get into the void through different ways/methods, I was just curious about what my guides think & would recommend I try doing. I asked to receive Pineapples🍍 to sleep & wake up in the void, or Strawberries🍓 to simply enter the void. I saw strawberries hours later and I thought “okay, let me try entering the void when I meditate or go to bed”. I also started the 48 hours challenge the next day.

Aug. 9: you know me, I like asking for confirmations😄. Again, I asked to receive signs of Crocodile🐊 to wake up in the void, or Ostriches𓅦 to enter the void. This time I didn’t receive any signs and I thought maybe my guides were testing me (they do that sometimes lol). I was like “maybe they are trying to tell me that any method works because we are literally the void”. I just have to keep going. That’s when I changed my mindset/assumptions to I can enter the void by waking up there, or through meditation or sleep paralysis.

Aug. 11: That morning, I had sleep paralysis when I was dreaming. It’s interesting that this happened after I changed my assumptions about the void. If I had been aware of this sp, I would have tried affirming for the void.

Aug. 12: Around 3am, I couldn’t really get back to sleep so I thought I’d affirm for another sleep paralysis. I was on my back but changed position at some point, I also decided to sleep since I had work in a few hours. I was slowly drifting off to sleep and then I saw specs of light behind my eyelids & I felt like I was being lifted upward/floating. I was scared🙈 but I was like “wait, is this really happening now?!” and as I was about to affirm for the void, the feeling/symptom stopped😩. It lasted a few seconds. I was sad but happy! That’s another achievement for me!

Later that day- I was on a lunch break from work. I was watching a video on Youtube and heard “crocodile,” that’s days after I initially asked for the sign from my guides lol. This sign is to “wake up in the void” which practically almost happened this early morning. It’s almost like my guides wanted me to experience this and sleep paralysis to show me that I can do both.

Aug. 13: because of yesterday’s experience, I decided to add a new affirmation- “I always enter the void state once I drift off to sleep” “I will enter..etc”. Later, I saw a picture of an ostrich, the other sign that indicates “entering the void” which I forgot about. I laughed because I knew my guides were confirming my thoughts that any method can work and I don't need to overcomplicate things.

Update: I just saw both strawberries & pineapples in a music video. My guides are just sending me every sign at this point to make their point clear😅

That's all for now but I think I’am done asking for signs lol. My guides were helpful and I’am happy that I was able to experience sleep paralysis and the feeling of being lifted/floating. What’s interesting is that they happened naturally, I simply affirmed and visualized whenever I thought about the void & when I go to bed. I will keep going and I’am sure I will get into the void soon 😊. I also want to add that I believe this subliminal video link has been helpful to me.

#law of assumption #loi de l'assomption #law of the universe #manifesting reality #manifestation #neville goddard #affirm and persist #desired reality #48hc #subliminals #the void state #void state #spiritualjourney #spiritguides

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annasbookclub · 3 years ago

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It’s been a while since I read it but I read Nanny for the Neighbours by Lily Gold and I think you should too. (If you continue reading this post and think, yeah this book sounds good for me)

The only reason I chose to read this book was because I saw a smutty excerpt on Tik tok and thought it sounded interesting and then when I looked it up it cost $0.99 on kindle and when I went to add it to my cart for later, I accidentally bought it.

But it was a good accident! Because I really went into it thinking it would be a mindless, smutty, romance (which was exactly what I wanted) but it turned out to be a really nice story with really nuanced characters.

If I had to choose one thing to convince you to read this book, it would be that the characters are human and act like humans and have actual thoughts and feelings that are really well developed.

The basic plot is that Beth has three super hot men who live above her who like to have threesomes and accidentally get a girl pregnant who, six months later, leaves said child at their doorstep in the freezing cold because she has to go get help for her drug addiction. But these three men are really rich because they work lots meaning they don’t have time to look after this baby (nor do they really know how) which is why they just seek Beth’s help who, fortunately, is a baby sitter.

Now, my initial thoughts were, why would I want to read a book about men who don’t have time to look after a baby, which one of them made? I understand, the synopsis sounds icky, but you have to trust me. These characters are not stereotypical (okay maybe a little but in a very bearable way) and there are real thoughts and reasons about why they don’t have time and you’re just going to have to trust me on the fact that these thoughts and feelings actually get dealt with and are a big part of the book.

And, of course, Beth has her own demons/thoughts and feelings and it really turns into a nice, found-family, little story with some very steamy scenes (and maybe only a handful of cringey smutty lines- there was one really bad one that I saved because I was like ‘wtf did I just read?’ Which I would be really happy to share if anyone was interested)

This isn’t some great novel that’s going to be some classic that children in school will read, and it still has its ‘yikes’ moments, but for me, it was definitely more than what I expected and because of that, I really enjoyed it.

This book is definitely 18+ and has many sex scenes in it, but I will list all of the content warnings I can think of below the cut. If I forgot any, please let me know and I will update accordingly :) these also may include some spoilers. I also literally list everything because sometimes something isn’t necessarily triggering but you have to be in the right mindset to read it

- lots of talk about foster homes and how difficult it can be for an older child

- on that same note, biological parents actually not being the great people you may want them to be

- lots of talk of loneliness and past childhood trauma

- male sex work

- knowing someone with anger issues

- mention of drug addiction

- mention of mother leaving baby

#nanny for the neighbours #Lily gold #book club #romance books #romance #book recommendations #book reviews #booktok

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thevivification · 2 years ago

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@self-scammer-inc idk if you're awake as I post this (and idk if you’ve done sumeru yet) BUT I've been doing a lot of sumeru exploration and I kept thinking about him when I got near the desert so I filled almost an entire page of my sketchbook with doodles cause. yeah

Notes and note transcript under the cut

I wanted to add onto his design a bit more and I believe we talked about him having quite the amount of jewelry so I tried adding onto that. The hat was mainly cause I think he’d do good with a hat (shields eyes from sun + if you add something like a veil it works as a shield for the eyes) but the hat is definitely more of an optional thing

Upgraded the poncho to look more like something akin to Collei’s scarf but that design idea is still a “hmm” for me (hence why the actual scarf bits are not that visible)

You mentioned something about him being a physical DPS/burst support combo (well the burst support is a me idea, gives him more versatility) and while I’m not exactly sure what element he would have (Vex magic and Abyss magic are definitely more like plot devices for now) so I made The Vial more ambiguously elemental

While I’m not sure about the weapon ability and design I think I like the general concept of what I have here. Also I went with polearm design cause I felt like drawing them so maybe sooner or later I’ll draw a sword for him

OH ALSO I forgot to add that Concocted Infuser can be stacked up to 4 times max. I’m thinking a lot about game design as of recent idk why

note transcript (+ more additional notes cause yay):

I have severely misjudged the variety of sumeru lotus flowers.

Generic pink lotus/water lily = wears most often Nilotpala Lotus = alternate1 Kalpata Lotus = alt2 Padisarah = something special (I forgot about Viboyas aha I’ll explain sometime in future. also yes I know lotus and water lilies are different things and that Cub probably had a water lily and not a lotus in the initial design but shhh)

*a sketch of the start of an attack pattern*

kind of throw upwards? beginning of atk pattern idea?

*a picture of a vial of something*

The Vial Made from various chemicals/elements Plays part to his atk patterns (I believe I was referring to skill and burst)

*sketch of gi!Cub’s right hand*

right hand as ref rings usually wears rings w/o gloves lol bracelets (I added a 4-pointed star/primogem symbol to the glove to mess with identity speculations. in-universe I think he adds primo symbols for that exact reason, to mess with people)

*sketch of an updated gi!Cub design. I’ve given him a hat*

hat still has flower on ear specially-made material *pointing to shirt*

*sketch of a polearm called “✦ The Oasis ✦” (love it when Cub adds the little symbols to his tools and stuff). It’s design is similar to that of the dragonspine spear except the spearhead is more traditional and instead of calcium-like wrapping it is wrapped in the vines of a kalpata lotus. a single kalpata lotus blooms near the head*

Kalpata lotus Kalpata vines might modify design a bit. It’s kinda generic but I have no ideas atm so it’ll just stay like this *pointing to weapon ability* what I have as an idea for a minute (might add EM buff??)

atk % or physical DMG bonus Abyssal Merger (name in progress) Every time the active character activates a skill or a burst, all party members will gain the “Concocted Infuser” effect. This effect increases movement speed by 10%, reduces stamina cost of charged attacks by 20% and increases atk by 20-45% for 10 seconds. (Might reduce the effect duration and might remove the movement speed buff. Also I forgot to add that the ability can be stacked to 4 at maximum and there’s a 3-5 second cooldown for after the effect’s duration. The things in bold are stats that can be affected by refinement)

*A sketch of a possible elemental burst frame. He’s holding the vial while side-eyeing or looking at the camera. I left it vague on purpose*

Possible burst? (I think him throwing the potion to the ground and the affected area looks like light blue glazed terracotta (aka Vex Magic) would be cool. idk what it does but it would look cool)

#viv draws for once #genshin au #cubfan #of course if like. there's things here that don't fit with the idea just tell me aha #I think the weapon ability is my biggest grife so far #but the design I'm pretty 👍#oh wow the notes got long

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jengarie · 4 years ago

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#showyourprocess !

From planning to posting, share your process for making creative content!

To continue supporting content makers, this tag game is meant to show the entire process of making creative content: this can be for any creation.

RULES — When your work is tagged, show the process of its creation from planning to posting, then tag up to 5 people with a specific link to one of their creative works you’d like to see the process of. Use the tag #showyourprocess so we can find yours!

Thank you, @rinielle for tagging me! She chose the piece above (original post), and oh boy this one was a whole ass rollercoaster ride! Unfortunately, I hadn't turned on the timelapse feature for this but I'll try to go through each part of the process as best as I can!

The photos I'm gonna upload are gonna be a mix of screenshots and literal photos of my screen, because I'm taking some of them from my updates to friends, since a lot of the steps got lost in my painting process.

But before that, let me tag some other amazing creators!

@dragonji: this gif art!

@candicewright: this yibo painting!

@wendashanren: this gifset!

@mylastbraincql: this gif!

I haven't been able to keep track of who's been tagged so apologies if you've already done this! Also, no pressure to do it at all if you would rather not! <3

Planning

Sometimes, I get an idea first and find reference photos to go with that idea. But for this one, I sought out a reference photo first, and built an idea on top of it!

After that, I roughly sketch out the base pose. Usually, this looks very messy, but it doesn't really matter as long as I understand which part goes where!

The idea for the background didn't really come until the creation process because I don't think I really planned this to be a full piece.

Creation

Sketching

Honestly, from this point on, it's more of trial and error.

So, I redid the the initial base pose—made it cleaner and a little bit more detailed. See: the added definition in their arm muscles, the rearrangement of Wei Wuxian's legs, and Lan Wangji's hand on Wei Wuxian's back. If you look at the second photo, I also changed the pose a bit midway—I tend to edit as I go sometimes when I change my mind. (For this, I thought, given the Lan arm strength, it would be better to make Lan Wangji look more at ease carrying Wei Wuxian. This gets covered by the robes anyway though, so it didn't matter much in the end.)

I also started adding details to the base! I usually start with the face and then the hair! I usually go for the clothes next, but I dreaded the robes in this piece so I guess that's why I ended up with a basic idea of what I wanted for the background instead LOL I also figured out how I want the final crop to look like, so I blocked out all the other areas with an extra layer!

Okay, onto the part that killed me like ten times: the robes. There are a lot of interactions between their robes here given their pose, and not to mention they also have layers upon layers on each of them! So, to maintain my sanity and to keep track of which part is which, I color coded them into the most colorful sketch I've ever made.

Another reason why I filled in each layer of robe with a solid block of color, is so that all the lines underneath gets covered. Without all of the colors, the actual outline actually looks like the one on the right. What a nightmare!

I also ignored the crop again for this part, because it's always better to draw past your borders, in case you decide to rotate or tilt or whatever your piece later on. I didn't do the feet anymore though, because that I was sure wouldn't show in the final piece anymore.

After that, I did the sketch one more time and then started adding the base colors. (I didn't have a screenshot of just the base colors, and the final CSP file is a nightmare so I copy pasted the layers into a new canvas to show you guys :') )

By the way, I drew their robes flowing this way, because I wanted it to frame the lower arch of the moon behind them for the composition. It was a little frustrating that I couldn't get Lan Wangji's robes a little higher because of Wei Wuxian's legs but I later filled in the empty space with his forehead ribbon anyway, so it all worked out in the end!

Painting

Because apparently, I was a masochist back then, I merged the base colors all into one layer and started adding shadows to the robes. (These days, I add shadows first and then, merge. It's much easier this way.)

And then, I started painting! Again, I did the face first and then the hair, before finally the robes. This was my first time painting side profiles and honestly it was quite a pain to figure out LOL but !!! I think I did a good job and I'm proud of how it turned out. I again used reference photos for this one but I can't link any because they were just several random Pinterest photos that I didn't save.

Another thing to note is that I use the mesh transform tool a lot, especially on faces. That's largely why Lan Wangji's face looks so different in the latter two!

And then I went with the robes. Somewhere along the way, I realized I didn't like how I planned to do Lan Wangji's sleeves and the flowy part of Wei Wuxian's robes and I... decided, with much dread, to do them over. So I sketched on top of the painted layers and redid the robes, again.

It was at this point that I decided to take a break from this piece because it was honestly very draining! I think it took about three weeks before I decided to open the file again and continue it.

When I did, I just finished painting the rest of the robes and their hands. The blue details on Lan Wangji's outer robes were painted on a separate layer that I put on Multiply. I probably did more adjustments to the face and hair and stuff, because my painting process is honestly a mess :')

Final Adjustments

I added some correction layers on certain areas to fix some of the colors. See: Lan Wangji's sleeve becoming much brighter and paler; Wei Wuxian's legs having less contrast. And then I merged all of the layers (excluding the background) and added a bit of blur. See: Wei Wuxian's ponytail; the entire lower part; the flowing forehead ribbon. My reasoning for this is so that most of the detail (and therefore the flow of the eye) goes to their faces and expressions!

And then, I put a blue Overlay layer on low opacity to make Wangxian blend better with the background, added a bit of shadow on the inside and the lower sections and added the glowing details for the added flair. I initially wanted sparkles and/or stars but they didn't turn out as well as this did. I also upped the contrast by a little for the entire piece!

Aaaand, that's it! In truth, I did a bit more color adjustments to the whole piece, but I was a dummy who forgot to turn them back on before posting so ... oh well.

Posting

Before posting, I upload it either on my spare private Twitter account or on a drafted Tumblr post so I can check the colors on my phone. This is because the colors on different devices can look very different, and I would at the very least want all my pieces to look nice on both of my devices!

And then, once I deem it satisfactory, I just try to think of a caption and post! Some artists wait for a certain time where most of their followers are active, but I didn't have a lot of MDZS followers at this point so it didn't really matter to me.

It still doesn't really; I haven't actually been able to figure out when my MDZS followers are awake even now.

#showyourprocess #mine #whew this was so long oops #but this piece took like #maybe 1.5 weeks sans the break i had to take #so !!#LOL #tag game

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geshertzarmeod · 4 years ago

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Favorite Books of 2020

I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.

The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)

Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!

The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.

The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)

The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro. I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden. This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.

Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.

Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.

Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.

How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.

Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020

Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.

Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine. When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!

Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.

#red white and royal blue #aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe #osemanverse #star wars #queer books #lgbtq books #books #alice oseman #miri personal #wow this took so long but was so worth it!#long post #book recs #PS: if you've read any of these or have questions about any of these books #this is your formal invitation to talk to me about them!!!! even if i don't know you at all!#even if i don't follow you and even if you don't follow me!#my ask box is open anon is on!#original content

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