#i finished this in january but if i posted about it i cannot find the post

[sluttypatrickstar]

happy birthday pusheen!!!!!!

[shepherds-of-haven]

Happy New Year, everyone! I thought it would be fun to do a little retrospective on the game's progress over the last year... Shepherds of Haven has grown so much from the little demo I posted in January 2018, and it continues to steadily build and flourish in so many different and exciting ways! Here's a look at just some of the things we accomplished in 2023!

I added 143,151 words to the game (2.5 main chapters, 8 new character interludes) in 2023: the equivalent of writing the longest Lord of the Rings book in one year! We also broke our huge 1 million word milestone—without including code—meaning Shepherds of Haven is now officially twice as long as War and Peace, and almost as long as the entire 7-book Harry Potter series... and all in a single game!

A lot goes into game creation behind the scenes, including the coordination and creation of visual assets for the game—like character cards, codex entries, maps, portraits, and backgrounds—fun stuff for the fans (like the MC info template we created), and songs for the official soundtrack. As the game creeps slowly and determinedly towards its initial completion, that also means learning new things as a solo developer to prepare for the future, like learning to build an official website, researching business and tax practices, and beginning to think about how to conduct testing, publishing, and marketing down the road. Much of what I enumerate here hasn't been made public yet and will continue to cook in the background for a while, but I'm very proud of the work I've gotten done this year and will be excited to unveil more in the future!

And of course, for even more Shepherds of Haven content, I've added and completed even more stories for our little library on Patreon (which also has sizable word count at this point): The Bridge of Bones (a Trouble and Riel murder mystery), O Happy Dagger (a dark adventure featuring Briony, Chase, and Red), and The Hunt (a wild tale involving Tallys, Halek, Shery, and new kinds of spirits, fey magic, and Elves) were all serial stories completed in 2023, while Some Kind of Virus is a cyberpunk zombie apocalypse AU that will continue to be updated with new chapters monthly.

A full list of the Shepherd short stories and serial novellas (with links) can be viewed here!

I hope you enjoyed this session of Shepherds of Haven Wrapped! Honestly, this doesn't actually cover everything I've been working on, but some things can't be packaged and listed out neatly, or otherwise won't seem very interesting to anyone else but me! 😂 As we inch through Chapter 9 and get more interludes done (only a few more main chapters to go), I'm hopeful that I'll also be able to find time to work on my next novel, but we'll see if the Shepherds schedule ends up ramping up or settling down as we work steadily towards finishing the main story!

One important thing before wrapping up is to acknowledge your guys' role in this wonderful, wild journey. I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to each and every one of you for your invaluable contributions to the development of Shepherds of Haven. Whether you took the time to share links to the game, supported its growth on Discord or Patreon, left encouraging messages or asked interesting questions, reported bugs, or showcased your remarkable works of fanfiction or fanart, I am sincerely thankful for the unwavering support from this amazing community! Your collective efforts have played a pivotal role in shaping the world of the game into what it is today. Words cannot adequately convey my gratitude for your support, and I am truly blessed to have such a passionate community surrounding this project.

As we step into 2024, I am filled with anticipation for the developments awaiting Shepherds of Haven. Big things are on the horizon, and I am so excited to share these experiences with you! Thank you for being an integral part of this journey, and here's to the continued growth of our shared little world. Cheers to 2024—may it be a year filled with creativity, adventure, and joy! 🎊

[moldspace]

new year new news

hey everyone! wow! 2022 is over! what a year! i made a lot of art, had some cool opportunities (painting a mural!!!) and some challenging transitions (quitting my job, switching academic programs!) but i think, overall, i’m glad to put this one in the rear view mirror. 

now, to get out of the rear view mirror and look forwards into the metaphorical windshield - my resolution this year is to MAKE MORE ART and to GET OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE and with that in mind, my first actionable goal for 2023 was...

to start a patreon!

not gonna lie, i’ve been just as nervous as i’ve been busy setting this up the past few weeks (and the imposter syndrome has kicked in HARD), but hey, doing new things is always scary and awkward. and i really wanted a good excuse to put some time and energy into behind-the-scenes stories, progress shots, sketchbook pages that aren’t pretty enough to post on their own, and rambling talks about the winding path my own art tends to follow. so maybe check it out and throw some money my way, if you’ve got extra and are curious!

currently i’ve just got one $3 tier up, but i’m sure that will change and evolve as i figure out what i’m doing. but what can i access with three dollars, i hear you ask? well...

full digital copies of all of my zines! with transcripts, and personal commentary!

polls! maybe i'm making new stickers and don't know which design to go with, maybe i'm amassing work for an update and don't know if i should make some more selkies or some more sphinxes - these polls will help ME decide what to make more of, and help YOU ALL see more of what you want from me. win-win!

behind the scenes posts and videos! i have to admit that i harbor a secret love for video editing, but I have so far had no real outlet for it (aside from the AMVs that i occasionally make in a fugue state and NO i’m never showing them to a soul) - but i've just filmed and edited the first full start-to-finish process video for patreon! watch me make a ceramic beasty from sketch to glaze firing, with full voiceover commentary (my voice was once described by a child as “why do you sound like that? you sound like you’re going to cry” so look forward to that!) i have plans in the future for tutorial posts and videos, more process timelapses, and full behind the scenes zine-making retrospectives, from writing to illustrating to binding.

this month (january 2023) only, sign up as a patron and i will personally send a little doodle to your house! yes, like in the mail. feel free to send me a prompt with your pledge, otherwise it’ll probably be some sort of creature with a human face and stars on it. maybe it will still be that, even if you give me a prompt.

finally, you will get my eternal gratitude! i truly cannot thank you all enough for the support and love over the years. it's been such an amazing honor to find other people who like the wacky little critters i make, and whether you've purchased art from me, follow me, or are even just someone who's seen and liked a piece of mine, i am forever grateful to be able to connect across space and time, with you, over art. 

whether or not you decide to pledge, from the bottom of my heart, thank you! i am so lucky to have this space on tumblr to share my work - every kind comment means the world to me, and i just hope my work can be enriching to your worlds in some small way, too! i know making it enriches mine :^)

[moononmyfloor]

My Year End C-drama Review (2023)

Last year, I did two Cdrama Wrapped posts for each half of the year. This year, I watched so much stuff right away I got arrogant and was about to do a January-February summary. And then life happened and handed me my entire ass, so here we are right back on the ground zero.

Well, not exactly. I watched lots of dramas I liked this year and would like to give nods to as many as possible, and before I start forgetting details I thought I better go ahead with the entrees that I'm sure of the answers.

My initial Cdrama reviews were inspired by anniedelavoye's this post 2 years ago, I've extrapolated a lot from there but some entrees remain same.

Part 2

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1. First drama I finished in 2023

Hi Venus. Modern workplace romcom isn't my go-to-genre, least of all if the ML is a CEO. If not for the unusual-for-the-genre setup of initial few eps and the strong recommendations of my friends, I might not have pressed play at all. And I'm so glad I did because it turned out to be one of the most refreshing takes of the genre, it was funny, the pacing nor the dialogues were ever draggy, the characters were intelligent and pleasant, and down to earth. It never leaned to the tropes of helpless/badass FL or tsundere/beta ML extremes, there was no dramatic villain arcs, down to the supporting characters everyone were so reasonable and mature and simply had the nicest time ever together. Now I put it like that, it sounds boring but trust me, it wasn't. Do give it a try. Your time won't be wasted.

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2. An actor who took my breath away

Jing Boran as Lan Jue/Peizhi from The League of Nobleman

I mean

Look at him. Instant KO.

I remember watching this scene (and every scene that followed after, especially when he had his hair down) and being in disbelief about how he's real. He's literally glowing out the screen! His performance as a model scholarly minister, the way he conducted his glance, his steps, his speech and temperament were nothing but enchanting and... look, I can write poetry about him for ages lol.

And then I watched every single work I could find of him and ended up even more in love, because his resume was nothing but diverse. A measured scholar, a bubbling-out-of-his-skin social butterfly, a ballerina in a tutu, a man pregnant with the cutest radish monster ever, there's nothing he cannot play. I'm definitely going to check out every single work of him that'll be coming out in the future as well. Even if the plot fails, his character will surely be interesting.

(Also, I was FINALLY lured into DMBJ fandom thanks to going down his profile as well, and now I'm here to stay🤭)

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3. Most relatable character

Bai Moxi from Gone With the Rain

She was street-smart and sassy, but never foolhardy. She wasn't a damsel nor was overly clever. She had her moments of daydreaming, but she knew what was and wasn't reasonable. She had a high sense of self-worth, she also knew when to make herself scarce. Despite being the most outgoing and energetic personality in the room, she didn't make everything to be about herself. In fact, she couldn't have been happier to be a background supporting character of the story, quietly minding her own business in her corner. In summary, she just felt very real, and exactly like how I love my FLs. Every decision she took felt like what I'd also have done in her situation. (Btw I hope noone messages me about loving Moxi but hating her sister because I don't. I think her character also made a lot of sense based on her circumstances even though she was bit more difficult to love than Moxi.)

Most of all, she was played to a tee by Zhang Nan, the young actress was allowed to shine to her true potential in this role, as she used to be quite stereotyped in either bubbly or petty mean girl roles. The drama horribly fell apart in the latter quarter (I'd like to pretend it all ended before that Great Seperation Scene), but I'm going to remember her charaacter for a long time to come.

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4. Most inspiring character

Li Lianhua from Mysterious Lotus Casebook

The tumblr tag for MLC is already filled with Grade A+ poetry, prose and analysis dedicated to him and I'm not capable of wording it any better than them. All I can say is he really touched a vulnerable corner of my heart, and gave it strength. He's just so very admirable and represents all I ever want to be, and his entire character design and all its metaphors and philosophy especially resonate with me as a Buddhist. Like Cheng Yi said at the end of MLC concert, "At the end of the day, if you have a lotus flower in your heart that you can call your own, that's what matters."

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5. Best Couple of the Year

Lu Zhaoxi and Ye Shilan (Zeng Shunxi and Liang Jie) in Hi Venus, Zhao Jian and Yuan Zhongxin (Zhou Yutong and Zhang Xincheng) in Young Blood 2

Here are two couples who were each others' equal match in every big, small and miscellaneous ways possible. Where their roles in their partnership did not have anything to do with society-determined gender or power dynamics, not about conforming to them nor about beating them. Everything about their relationships simply had to do with what they meant to each other their admiration, respect and love towards the other person, from beginning to end. In Hi Venus, it was never uncomfortable to watch Shilan being Zhaoxi's subordinate, for he always treated her like any good superior should in any healthy professional relationship. In Young Blood 2, Zhongxin would fully trust Zhao Jian with everyone else's and his own life, not because his head was in wishful romantic clouds but because he was 100% confident in her capabilities and would never disrespect her with "girls should be protected, you stay back and let me take the sword for you" nonsense.

I may check out like 50 dramas per year and may never come by such Het pairing dynamics in some years, yknow? I do not hate on any other kind of dynamic (plus I'd have next to nothing to watch in that case lol) but, THIS... this is so rare -for me to not be icked out by not even a single second of a fictional het couple's screentime lol- hence the gushing! (Though I know I'm not doing the greatest job of phrasing what I feel😆).

Following that note, though not a couple, honorable mentions to Chufeng (Bi Wenjun) and Robin (Zhu Zhengting) from Silence of the Monster who took Sui Yi (Sun Yihan) into their home not because they thought it'd be chivalrous to help a girl, but because it's the nice thing to do as a fellow human. For continuing onto integrating her into their world with ease and enthusiasm not because any of them had feelings for her but because they simply found her a good friend to hang out with.

Suffice to say I DIG ANY relationship where gender does not come into play, like, at all (or barely, if you must).

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6. Best harem of the year

Orchid and Lotus harems (from League of Nobleman and Mysterious Lotus Casebook)

(Only sharing the pics of Orchid Harem because it was from the earlier quarter of this year, whereas pics of Lotus Harem will be everywhere in the Cdrama scene for quite a while to come lol)

The support group of devout puppies, zhijis, friends-with-benefits and all sorts of other polycule postions, all centered around one precious babygirl enigma of a man is just my jam, and I love it when it happens because it brings forth the fandom's most unhinged high-art. 😌😌😌

(ALSO ME AND WHO WHEN!😭)

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7. Best ensemble of the year

Young Blood 2, I Am Nobody

For me a perfect ensemble is where the supporting characters are just or almost nearly as engaging and thoroughly written as the main leads, you'd love every second spent on any character just as much as you love that of any other. The ultimate relaxing experience where your brain doesn't have to pick favorites and you don't have to speed watch or fast forward or be antsy about who's going to appear next because you know it's gonna be enjoyable no matter whom.

And this year, it's Young Blood 2- with its Class 7 members who were all so different but all so compelling and equally contributing to the plot, complimented by the Class 8 and the unnervingly captivating villains.

And I Am Nobody- with its extensive spread of young and old heroes/antiheroes alike, all with dramatic backstories and individual charisma that were not second to another.

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8. Favorite posters/promos of the year

Mysterious Lotus Casebook, Young Blood 2, Sunshine By My Side

Really liked what MLC did with positioning the characters on various spots of the titular Lianhua Lou, the wind-sway choices for the wisps of hair and the skirts... idk the exact angles of it all were just right for each character and their vibes and appealed to me a lot.

The blending-into-painting style poster of Young Blood was so pretty too, plus these Suoyi raincoat posters.

The comic strip posters for Sunshine were also super cute, unique and perfect for the drama's themes.

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9. Best opening credit sequence

Love You Seven Times

The drama itself was a hot mess but the opening sequence was entirely worthy of being a parallelish-universe story to Love Between Fairy and Devil without a debate. IF ONLY they put the same effort to the story itself.

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10. Favorite Prop/Set designs

A League of Nobleman- Lan Jue's Tea Pavilion, Mysterious Lotus Casebook- Lotus House

I wish I could install a fixture in my home where me and my imaginary homies can chat over tea while being seductively separated by an active stream of freshwater, while my not so elegant period-style caravan is waiting outside in the yard for more cozily cramped get-together times. 🤧

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11. Favorite lighting/color grading of the year

The Forbidden Flower, My Journey to You

The former, a kaleidoscopic explosion of colors, a celebration of fleeting life, youth, summer and nostalgia. It was a daring drama on so many fronts and nailed each of them as well, and the use of colors represented its bold soul perfectly.

The latter, a marvelous combination of mountains shrouded by mist, dark-toned wood pavilions and fur-lined robes, pale, dusty makeup with rosy lips and plump cheeks; all combined together on screen to bring a palpable ambience of a secluded glamorous hideout in a dystopian world and its ethereal residents. Seriously, how I especially loved to stare at the bride candidates in their white getups, it was like the light bounced off of the fabric to shine on their faces even more, and the skin and hair looked non-oily and baby soft. And it didn't feel over the top but convincing because the camerawork and editing conjured a believable image of an upcountry with dense and dewy forests, waterfalls and rivers, there's no sun, no heat no sweat, only cold air and pregnant humidity. OF COURSE you are going to look like THAT.

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12. A drama that taught me new things

Hi Producer

The infuriating thing about Yu Zheng's show-off genre of costume dramas is that the story may be a hit-or-miss, the "historical facts" provided in them may need to be taken with a grain of salt, but they almost always provide me with great entry points to do my own research 🥲. Most niche facts that take me by surprise and things I'd never have thought to look up on my own are randomly sprinkled all over the place and I run around like a headless chicken trying to collect them all.

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13. Most exhilarating drama/scene

Three-Body

That scene in ep 5. The entire buildup to it and the resolution. The phenomenal acting bringing forth the exact emotion and exact tension required. The moment you start to understand at least a sliver of why exactly all the characters are making this much of a fuss about what's happening to them.

I cannot spoil, not even a bit. You'd have to see for yourself.

I Am Nobody

(lol Three Body and I Am Nobody. I swear that was an unintentional coincidence!)

The great V-match between certain two characters, I can't elaborate. (See the thing about exhilarating scenes is that you have to see it for yourself what's the big deal is about lol.) I really liked how both their biggest vulnerabilities and yearnings were pulled out mercilessly in public, how they both fought themselves through each other before actualizing the philosophy of what it was all about. It was beautiful to watch visually as well.

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14. A drama location I'd love to visit

Yunnan province

I've seen glimpses of the prosperous and both naturally and culturally diverse Yunnan province through Bite of China Documentaries and Dianxi Xiaoge's vlogs, the beautiful bucolic backdrop of Meet Yourself only heightened the wish to experience it all in person.

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15. A drama that was a pleasant surprise

I Am Nobody

Perfect casting job, earnest effort from everyone involved to bring out the 2D to live action in the bestest way possible, it was like a dream come true to see a genre that was previously limited into written media like comics and fanfics (modern cultivation) as a drama even if it meant labelling all the cultivators as aliens lol

It had a lil bit of a flavor of western coming-of-age/"teen gets powers and goes on an adventure in search of their origins" stories, a bit of Japanese anime presenting style and the chaotic-gaggle-of-youth-and-veterans-with-different-extreme-powers genre vibe. And then they incorporated Chinese wuxia philosophy into it and made it their own thing. I hope to see more of this in future, and definitely a season 2!

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16. An old drama I watched in 2023

Shaolin Wendao (2017)

This is one of the best period dramas I have ever seen, but I don't recommend it unless you have a strong tolerance for angst. Like, worse than Royal Nirvana and Heroes (2022) level of angst.

HOWEVER, unlike those two, Shaolin Wendao will leave you feeling rewarded for your suffering. This drama achieved a number of things that very few other have managed to do, especially for a story with such a heavy and dark premise.

The characters remained true to their selves from beginning to the end. They grew up in various ways, at the same time remained consistent. The story made sure to make all the characters aware of their individual faults and address them.

The characters were put through immense wringer but also provided viewer with the resolution they deserved. It was SO exhilarating at times, I cried. It felt like a detox, sometimes.

They prioritized telling a realistic story about the changing nature of humans. The ending was blissful but not in the idolized, wrapped-in-a-bow-tie way one would imagine. They wanted to tell a story about tribulations and letting go, and did exactly that.

It will ignite the pain but will also make sure to thoroughly quench it. So there's that.

Oh and also, respect to all the actors. All those characters were so layered and had some quite difficult scenes. I do not understand how Guo Xiaoting didn't get any good roles matching of her caliber for years after this. She was magnificent.

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More Posts by Me

[muirmarie]

mcspirk month mYEAR planning post

idk if anyone likes these (these being planning posts), but here, it feels weird to have it tucked away in my notes when my BTHB and mcspirk bingo planning posts are on here, so. anywho. you know the drill: this is just me rambling, feel free to ignore!!

the bolded are those i still don't have a plan for <3 - as per my usual these are all tos unless otherwise noted

Day 1: Forced Proximity (“this isn’t a blessing,” mccoy hisses. “one day,” the king says, “you’ll see that is it.” - the one where spock and kirk cannot get more than an arm's length away from mccoy for 30 days w/o causing him debilitating pain)

Day 2: Touch-starved (spock and kirk cuddle mccoy out of touch starvation - this is like 75% done, I just need to finish it)

Day 3: Only One Bed (established mckirk to mcspirk. um. very nsfw. by far the most nsfw i’ve ever even considered writing lmao. currently sitting at almost 12k, probably will be around 15-17k all told. i don't even know how to describe this. kirk aggressively helping spock play gay chicken with mccoy until mccoy finally believes spock wants both of them, idk.)

Day 4: Hand Holding (maybe the one where spock & kirk slowly gaslight mccoy into holding hands with them - yes the tags are spones but i am very certain kirk would be very happy to gaslight mccoy into hand-holding as well)

Day 5: [hurt comfort or against a wall (no story planned)]

Day 6: Protective McCoy (no story planned *eta - actually i think i am going to take the one elian assigned me w/o even asking me lmao, where mccoy drinks the poison meant for kirk, but don't tell him that)

Day 7: Hand Kink (the one where spock is cucked w/ hand sex lmao)

Day 8: Public Display of Affection (would you still love and/or employ me if i was a worm?)

Day 9: Spock is a Hopeless Romantic (the flirty spock one probably?)

Day 10: [Hands or a bonus (no story planned)]

Day 11: Fuck or Die (vulcan sex magic hanahaki, this is, like. I have elements of it, but it’s not nailed down yet quite how it works. it's a vulcan disease but naturally mccoy's the one who gets it.)

Day 12: Aliens Made them Do It (the plato’s stepchildren one - i've been poking at this one since. like. january lmao. it's maybe 30% done, but it's not gonna be super long, i'm just slow with it. it is. hm. not a fluffy story. the platonians decide that mccoy simply needs to learn to say yes to them. how helpful they have spock and kirk around to help underscore the point.)

Day 13: [time loop or sex in a three way body swap or a bonus (no story planned, BUT do I really wanna write another time loop fic and/or can I really handle writing another smut fic lmao. If I did do time loop tho it would be the one where Kirk refuses to leave the time loop until he can solve the no-win scenario, i just don’t know how that goes yet. The sex in a three way body swap would be the AOS mcspirkura one, probably. Or the tos spones to mcspirk one. idk idk.)]

Day 14: Tarsus IV (kirk: i always knew i’d die alone. this is....jim character study, i think? I do need to come up w/ a happy (or at least: not sad) ending for it tho. So I’m still Thinking about this one.)

Day 15: Fake Dating (the one where the royal is trying to marry mccoy in order to keep him, and spock and kirk independently decide to fake date him to save him. also sarek loves trashy romance books. background uhura/scotty.)

Day 16: Lost the Ability to Speak (bones and uhura signing in federation common sign language - yes that's vague but all i need is something to center around tbh)

Day 17: McCoy Hurt w/ Spock & Kirk Comfort (this is like 95% of what i write lmao but i don’t have a specific plot yet)

Day 18: [Jealous Bones OR Oral Fixation (no story planned but it it’s jealousy it’s not gonna be traditional jealousy, bc I’m generally not a fan of jealousy storylines (unless all parties are unaware that they’re jealous - those I find VERY funny)]

Day 19: [Kirk is Missing, Presumed Dead or a bonus - probably a bonus (no story planned)]

Day 20: Accidental Voyeurism (okay the one where mccoy wakes up and his arm is trapped underneath kirk’s head and spock’s holding that hand as he’s laying on top of kirk and making out with him. I will have to find a plot tho. a reason. a Reason. It’s not established spirk either)

Day 21: Bondage (heh established spirk discovering mccoy’s penchant for getting tied up and/or tying others up and then literally not able to shut up about their platonic friends private habits for like a solid three months. they only care platonically of course. you don’t need those other ppl to tie you up bones you’ve got us. this one’s about 10% started.)

Day 22: Mirrorverse (mirrorverse katra sharing, it’s a whole thing, this is out of my wheelhouse but i have some Ideas, but this one isn’t going to be anytime soon)

Day 23: [reunion or teasing or a bonus (no story planned) - *eta actually for teasing i could maybe do the one where spock conducts an "experiment" in a private lab where he has mccoy & kirk work on a project for him while he gets extremely handsy w/ them - he's doing a study ("study" - they're all aware this is just spock's ideal version of foreplay) about human arousal in a working environment, and they're supposed to not let him distract them*]

Day 24: Temporary Blindness (this is going to be such a long messy mccoy whump story tbh. orpheus and eurydice part two. before i can even really start it tho i have to decide on pov, because that….really affects things for this one. but i mostly know how the story goes. also not anytime soon tho, maybe not even this year)

Day 25: Praise Kink (i COULD go temporary awkward ability if i don’t want to write anything too sexy, but the planned version is, like, kirk blossoms like a bashful babe and spock is genuinely moved when it comes to praise, but mccoy turns bright red and wants them to stop? BUT they like so much the way he flushes and struggles to accept the praise that they ask him to be good for them because THEY like it, and so he’s absolutely mortified but still? allows it for them? and they of course like it because they want to make him accept it.)

Day 26: Expectations vs Reality (counseling fic! The one where spock and kirk are dating but still somehow drag mccoy to their relationship counseling.)

Day 27: Vacation Gone Awry (no story planned) (*eta actually i think i'm changing this to Voyeurism and stretching that to make it work for the spirk - they keep coming up w/ weird sex injuries until they can finally convince mccoy to come over to help them figure out what they're doing wrong....he probably needs to watch....actually maybe hands on is better....actually maybe he just needs to stay forever*)

Day 28: Awkward Spock (checking for pulse over the liver instead of the wrist because he forgets where human hearts are when jim or leonard is hurt)

Day 29: Getting Interrupted (mcspirk sexy 3d chess - that’s right they’re interrupting mccoy’s WORK lmao)

Day 30: Desperate Measures (the enemy within one that’s 80% finished where kirk’s wolf and sheep sides both have to have sex w/ mccoy while spock melds with them both, all for very important science reasons - don’t worry about it.)

Day 31: Insecurity (*eta - mccoy gets out of a LDR and is bummed, and kirk tries to cheer him up by putting his name up for the underground "sexiest starfleet officer" bracket that scotty & uhura are running, to prove to mccoy that ppl find him attractive. unfortunately it turns out the crew finds him VERY attractive, kirk is having some jealously-related revelations, spock is gonna kill jim if he has to watch mccoy get asked out one more time, and mcco is yay close to having a nervous breakdown from being turned into a sex symbol*)

Bonus 1: nightmares (look this is fucked, just trust me this is a very messy thing and it is very fucked and i have to make all my maths fit together before i write it or it will feel too flimsy and fall apart, but. kirk's trapped in a nightmare by a parasite that bleeds into the waking world (there are reasons for it) that cause physical damage to mccoy. spock melds w/ kirk to try to change the dream. this has unexpected side effects. - this one WILL be written for mcspirk month i just don't know what day i'm replacing yet.)

Bonus 2: pet names (i think i might be able to fit the kiss me/fuck me fic into this prompt but i’m not 100% sure yet - aka the one where mccoy & kirk use “kiss me” as a SFW swear for “fuck me” and “don’t make me kiss you” as a SFW swear for “fuck you” and annoy everyone around them w/ this silly in joke until one time mccoy says “kiss me” w/o thinking to spock, and spock’s just. hmm. don’t mind if i do. and kirk thinks it’s so funny he starts kissing mccoy all the time as WELL. very pre-them even realizing they want a relationship (except for spock, spock has Plans, thank you). this will be written at SOME point, it depends if i need another bonus/if it fits the prompt enough.)

Other bonuses i’d consider if i need them, but no stories planned: blindfolds, misuse of the bond, uhura helps them out.

Other vague stories i have that i could rotate until they might fit a prompt: pacific rim au, space forgetties, [number]+1 of mccoy getting kissed awake/the +1 getting kissed to shut him up, spock going through the wringer re: mccoy getting hurt (that was written spones but could easily by mcspirk), empath era katra au, post-empath spock won't stop touching mccoy, katra transfer requires a kiss, this isn’t even all of them, it genuinely is absurd how many tag spirals i’ve written like this lmaoooo /sigh 

[justabigoldnerd]

I saw a piece of fanart in my feed from a fandom I'm not in (I would link it, but I accidentally refreshed the page so I don't know what it was) that inspired me to write a ficlet (will be posted on January 7th 😉), and I finally found an excuse to use my headcanon that Illya's cryllic cursive is un-fucking-readable hehehehe

“Almost midnight,” he says, then laughs lightly at Illya's groan of disdain, “Finally ready to head home?”

“Da,” he reluctantly lifts his head from Solo's chest, but stays encircled in his arms, “Was going to do paperwork, but….” Instead of finishing the sentence, he shrugs.

“It can wait. Your cursive cyrillic is already impossible enough to read without throwing sleep-deprivation into the mix.”

“Is not that bad.”

“It's like one continuous loop-the-loop. Remember when Michael called an emergency meeting because he thought you were encrypting messages to the KGB?”

“Not my fault that he is intern. He cannot read printed cyrillic.”

“What about the time Waverly thought you were scribbling nonsense to get through paperwork faster?”

Illya sends him a death glare that only makes Solo grin wider, finding joy in proving himself right in his eyes.

Also, here's cyrillic cursive, for reference. It's d i f f i c u l t to make out different letters lmao (to be fair to Real Life Russians, this is a doctor's handwriting so it's doubly bad):

[fieldofdaisiies]

Thank you all so so much for making this year so good. I only actively started writing on here last January with 2 people following me. Now we are over 900 little daisies and I honestly have no words for it💛💛💛

And now a big THANK YOU to all of you!!

It is beyond me how many there are (of you) who always read my posts and interact with them, thank you for that. A big thank you to those people who will always reblog your post so more people can see it:

@despoinasstuff @valeriadarkness (I somehow cannot tag you) @danikasthings @brekkershadowsinger @captain-of-the-gwynriel-ship

There are those terribly talented writes who create posts and stories for Elucien. Stories I have re-read an unhealthy amount of times and that are still as beautiful as the first time reading them.

@velidewrites @separatist-apologist @moononastring @ladyelain @acourtofthought @the-lonelybarricade @a-little-disguised @autumnslittlefox @isterofimias @my-inner-crisis @ahrene @rippahwrites @lidiacervos @bookofmirth @daydreamer-anst @surrealsuriel @iambutmortal @cascadingmoon

There are those people who write stories about other ships, stories that are beautiful and brilliant. Or they create stunning fanart and comics.

@theladyofbloodshed @stars-and-scripts @lady-riel @moonlightphased @elvhendis

And there are those people who write phenomenal stories about my beloved Azriel (and other ACOTAR men & women). Just know that I love your stories so, so much and have probably binged and re-read them all.

@moonlightazriel @redbleedingrose @azriels-angels @azsazz @starlightandsouls @maddithefangirl @azrielsbitxh @illyriandreamer @witchybitchy222 @mrs-azriel @acourtofmh @honeybeefae @cadiacore @moonfawnx @gothicbabydollz @ladybambifae @itsmoonyhere @bubbles-for-all-of-us @ladyescapism

To all those creators (& many more, I definitely forgot someone) THANK YOU you for your creativity, your stories, your talent you share with us.

And lastly to all my ANONS, sending in requests and reading my stories. I love you soo much. THANK YOU, for your kindness and your loyalty and the love you show my stories. This year would not have even been half as good without all of you!! You helped find a leisure activity that I love woth my whole heart and helped me improve my writing. 💛💛💛

A lot of good things are planned for the next year, most of them currently getting written or already finished. I hope you look as forward to reading them as I to posting them.

Hope you have a great start into the new year!! Lots of love ~💛🌼

[primordyalsoul]

ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘɪᴄᴋ ᴜᴘ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴜʀʀᴇɴᴛ ᴍᴜꜱᴇ(ꜱ) ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ?

the moment i started watching/reading eva rei was the character that intrigued me the most. she had such a magnetic, melancholy presence that always touched me, and the initial journey of discovering her origins made me SO sad i had to explore it.

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ?

hmm not much I don't think? the only thing I can think of is something I don't even write and that's the CSA implications in rei's story. It's not something I think would come up much in threads anyway, but I avoid it because bc I wouldn't feel comfortable dealing with it.

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ?

oh man, basically everything i do here ! particularly the different relationships Rei gets to develop...i get legit emotional thinking about her slowly realising she matters as a Person and not as an object or an end to a means. I also love writing the dichotomy between her wisdom and her inexperience, because she's very wise and perceptive but at the same time is a child who's very limited in life.

i also LOVE writing hcs and metas!! there's so much to explore i never get sick of it. I haven't posted any of them yet bc i still have to make my thoughts coherent, but i especially love writing about rei's ""childhood"", as in her time as Rei 1. I also wanna write about the difference between Rei 2 and Rei 3 and explore how I can portray that in how I write them.

ʜᴏᴡ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ?

they're not headcanons, rei's my character everything i say about her is law.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ ɪɴ ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴏʀ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀʏ ᴍᴜꜱɪᴄ?

i gotta have something, usually music, something from rei's playlist.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʀᴇᴘʟɪᴇꜱ ᴏʀ ᴡɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇᴍ?

hmm both, really. when I read a reply from a mutual I find it very easy to pick out lines that stand out to me, which I then try to either incorporate in my response or build on how Rei reacts to it (which is always fun bc she's a very introspective character)

When writing I blurt out whatever comes to mind then spend a while re-wording + rearranging...a lot of the times i get stuck on a particular thing bc i want it to sound a certain way.

But when I can't start working on a reply right away I'll bullet point my ideas or any lines I wanna use then draft it so I don't forget.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ꜱʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ?

I do ! I think at heart I'm very lovey dovey so I do enjoy shipping a lot. Writing and drawing a ship I have with someone makes me very happy, and it's always so fun developing the relationship and seeing how it blossoms. Despite this, I don't have many romantic ships across any of my blogs, but I don't really mind or care because I have so many lovely platonic + familial dynamics that I find just as if not more investing.

For Rei, in general she's not the most shippable. She struggles enough with making friends as is, and has so many emotional and mental struggles that make it difficult for her to connect with others. BUT she's also a sweetheart and always gives her everything into her relationships, so it's fun and very cute when she gets crushes <3

ᴡʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴀʟɪᴀꜱ/ɴᴀᴍᴇ?

Sumin or Su <3

ᴀɢᴇ?

twenty-one

ʙɪʀᴛʜᴅᴀʏ?

january 17th

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ(ꜱ)?

yellow, orange, red and pink and blue and-

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴏɴɢ(ꜱ)?

always changing ! But as of late I've had these on repeat ; e.dge of seventeen by s.tevie nicks, n.othing matters by the l.ast dinner party, blast doors by e.verything e.verything, e.njoy the silence by d.epeche mode and ALL of the so much for s.tardust album by F.all Out Boy,

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

D.une p2

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱʜᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

exactly one ep of Dun.geon M.eshi. I stopped bc I KNOW I'll get sucked into but I cannot be distracted rn!! I got a degree to finish!!

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴏɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪꜱᴛᴇɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ?

Everyone Adores You (At Least I Do) by M.att M.altese

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜰᴏᴏᴅ?

ogugh so many....chicken curry, pine tart, turon, mochi, etc etc etc

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ?

I love autumn! But I'm also very fond of early spring

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ?

many :) i'm very thankful for the people i've met here

i yoinked this from @cloistress bc it looked fun! I'll tag: @gravltas , @dnangelic , @foolshoujo , @dimitresca , @enshijou , @kudakenai , @allevils @nagarese , @043094 aaand anyone who wants to! steal from me <3

[jobazzle]

books i've read in 2024

i meant to start this post in january but of course! i forgot! so here it is now!

January

Babel - R.F. Kuang ★★★★★ one of the greatest and most masterfully written books i've ever read in my entire life oh my god i will recommend this to everyone from now until the end of time!!!!

Yellowface - R.F. Kuang ★★★★½ never hated a main character more oh my godddddd what an infuriating read (the half star off is bc i didn't love the ending but like the ending is kinda the point so like i get it but I DON'T LIKE IT)

In A Holidaze - Christina Lauren ★★★★ went into this being like "lol i already know exactly how this book is gonna go!" and then somewhere in the earlier chapters Something Happened that made me gasp in shock like what the HELLLLL. finished this in like 2 days i NEEDED to know what happened next

People We Meet On Vacation - Emily Henry ★★★★★ book lovers is my favorite eh book buuuut this is such a close second!!!!! (friends to lovers is my favorite silly little book trope so like. this was written for me. i was destined to love this)

February

Daisy Haites: The Great Undoing - Jessa Hastings ★★★★ the second half of this > the first half (god one specific main part of this book was painful to read like i knew exactly where it was gonna go and UGH. IT HURTTTTT)

A Court Of Silver Flames - Sarah J. Maas ★★★★★ favorite book of the entire series but i can't stop thinking about this one critique i saw online about the plot that's like...so true....so true....i do agree....but also....love these characters...so is this book perfect? NO do i adore it? YES

Only When It's Us - Chloe Liese ★½ hated this so much oh my god it made me so mad i was so annoyed for a majority of it...only gave it the stars i did bc of the relationship between the main character and her mom...other than that BOY WAS THIS A PAINFUL READ

Magnolia Parks: Into The Dark - Jessa Hastings ★★★★★ i love and adore (and deeply relate to) this like oh my god this book has my whole heart i love these characters i love their growth i love their flaws I!!!! LOVE!!!! THEM!!!!!!

Heartstopper Volume 5 - Alice Oseman ★★★★ immediately decided this was my fav of the series and i can't wait to see it play out on the show in the future!!!

The Bodyguard - Katherine Center ★★★★½ this is sooooooo miss congeniality x every real person fanfic i read when i was a teen (affectionate). i was blushing i was giggling i was kicking my feet this was sooooooooo so so so romcom ugh i loved every second of it and i want (NEED) a movie/tv adaptation so baddddd

Always Only You - Chloe Liese ★½ i thought "ok i hated the first book in this insanely long series but let me give the second one a try" NOPE. SHOULDN'T HAVE. MIGHT'VE HATED IT EVEN MORE THAN THE FIRST ONE. despite loving the characters the writing was so terrible to me that i had to give up (and i was rly looking forward to the book in the future about two rival soccer players who fall in love but I SIMPLY CANNOT READ ALL OF THESE TO GET THERE. I GIVE UP)

From Blood And Ash - Jennifer L. Armentrout ★★★★ was this the most predictable book I've probably ever read? yes. was it an insanely fun and quick read? ALSO YES. idc this was surprisingly enjoyable and sooooo silly at times (was rolling my eyes sm and was screaming "HOW HAVE YOU NOT FIGURED THIS OUT YET" fjdjfjd)

March

The Winter of the Witch - Katherine Arden ★★★★★ read the first book of this trilogy in 2022, the second in 2023, and this one FINALLY in 2024...what a journey it has been!!!!! The action!!!! The character relationships!!!! The heartbreak!!!! What a wonderful conclusion. Literally loved every second!!!

Throne Of Glass - Sarah J. Maas ★★★★½ actually so confused bc i saw reviews saying how difficult it is to get into this series/that they find the first book (so, this one) boring???? I WAS ENTHRALLED. OBSESSED. WANTED TO BE READING IT 24/7. CAN'T WAIT TO START BOOK 2 AHHHHH (which will take a while bc my brother has to read it first and he is a slower reader than me 😀)

A Kingdom of Flesh and Fire - Jennifer L. Armentrout ★★½ wtf happened between the first book and this one??? how did it get so much worse???? my god was this a whole lot of NOTHING. full of confusing world building/lore and oh my god the conversations between characters went in circles. NOT A FUN READ (except for the very end which was a little redeeming lol)

Lovelight Farms - B.K. Borison ★★★★★ what more could i want in a book liiiike this literally has everything i love about a romance book put into one beautiful wonderful heartwarming cozy endearing story (i should've read this during christmastime)(literally it haunts me that i didn't read it in december last year)(WHAT A MISSED OPPORTUNITY)

Mile High - Liz Tomforde ★★ cringed a lot. some parts were uncomfortable to read. had one of my least favorite book "tropes". the plot motivation made no sense. didn't enjoy.

The Right Move - Liz Tomforde ★★★★½ far from perfect and won't be for everyone but when i say i loved pretty much everything about this!!!! i mean it!!!!!! so glad i gave this a shot despite not loving the first book!!!!!!!!! i adored this so much i made a spotify playlist like...i'm obsessed

Caught Up - Liz Tomforde ★★★★½ that feeling when you're reading a book you love so much you almost don't want it to end so you start reading slower was FELT as i read this. and MAYBE it made me tear up A LITTLE.

Bride - Ali Hazelwood ★★★★ super fun except i'm not used to reading supernatural/fantasy books that take place in the modern day like wdym you're on a computer or using a cellphone but also vampires and werewolves existfjenfjfb

Wildfire - Hannah Grace ★★ what a waste of time i wish i'd never read it oh my god.

One Italian Summer - Rebecca Serle ★★★★★ reading a story about dealing with the grief of a parent dying while dealing with the grief of your own parent dying 😀 ouch ouch ouch pain pain pain my thoughts in book form i sobbed every chapter and i'm in awe of what this book now means to me

April

In The Weeds - B.K. Borison ★★★★★ i read a romance book so beautiful i started crying? (no actually i teared up reading this I LOVE LOVE AND BOY DOES THIS AUTHOR KNOW HOW TO WRITE A LOVE STORY)

The Crown of Gilded Bones - Jennifer L. Armentrout ★ absolutely 1000% done with this series....how do you make the first 500 pages of a 600 page book boring??? and then make the last 100 filled with everything i wanted from the rest of the book??? I AM: DONE (will be reading the synopses of the rest of the books so i know what happens but THAT'S IT)

Done and Dusted - Lyla Sage ★★★★ when i say this was a quick read i! mean! it! (no literally i started it on april 3rd and finished it april 4th i was hoooooked)

Swift and Saddled - Lyla Sage ★★★★ the book mentioned taylor swift and bake off (two of my favorite things) of COURSE i enjoyed it (ok the end annoyed me a little but that's a me specific thing i don't think it was a bad ending!)

Murder on the Orient Express - Agatha Christie ★★★★★ so um this left me in shock fhdshfkds i also jokingly guessed the ending (and thought "but there's no way. that would be ridiculous" lmaooo)

Come Back to Me - Mila Gray ★★★★½ this was a reread and i can confirm: i am still so deeply fond of this book <3 (and despite knowing everything that was gonna happen i still! sobbed!)

Stay with Me - Mila Gray ★★★½ another reread/comfort book <3 not as good as the other book from this author (i hate you miscommunication trope!!!!) but overall still fine

Run Away with Me - Mila Gray ★★★½ another!!!!! reread!!!! would've loved it more if my copy wasn't riddled with typos and minor plot errors (i remember being obsessed w this book but like...not anymore oops)(it's fine)

Watch Over Me - Mila Gray ★★★½ would! watch! a! movie! of! this! (they will never make it so i'll have to just reread it every few years lol)

Fall Into Me - Mila Gray ★★★½ i am unfortunately not immune to the charms of a bodyguard romance ok this was...slightly endearing despite its errors/plot that was a little too fast-paced for me (also: a reread)(and my fancast for this one! IMPECCABLE)

Mixed Signals - B.K. Borison ★★★★★ oh this had me gigglingggg i was emotionallllll i adore this sweet little small town romance series <3 (also!!!!!! when an epilogue ties into the premise of a book so perfectly!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!)

Flawless - Elsie Silver ★★★★ what do you mean this book says seriously "you wear the hat, you ride the cowboy" PLSSSSS I LAUGH EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT HFJKDHSKFJHDSK. anyways this was a quick read!!!!! and had an interesting "plot twist"!!! OVERALL V FUN

Heartless - Elsie Silver ★★★★ the more i think about it the more i wanna rate it a 4.5 but FOR NOW it's just a 4 (but like A HIGH 4)

Powerless - Elsie Silver ★★★★★ what can i say, i'm a big fan of friends to lovers in any form any iteration any plot any characters....i! love! it!

Reckless - Elsie Silver ★★★★★ this has my fav couple of this series from this author i'm obsessed w them i'm obsessed w their love story i literally read the second half so slow i did NOT want it to end 🫶

Hopeless - Elsie Silver ★★★½ this felt rushed and the pacing was weird and there was a weird nickname for one of the love interests BUT it's not like. an offensive book or anything. overall just...ok! a decent time!

Funny Story - Emily Henry ★★★★★ in. tears. feeling. so. many. emotions. EMILY HENRY YOU HAVE DONE IT AGAIN!!!!! may she continue writing forever bc I WILL BE READING

May

When in Rome - Sarah Adams ★★★★½ this was soooo genuinely laugh out loud funny like i can't believe how much genuine humor there was throughout this...also TALK ABOUT A SLOOOOOOW BURN MY GOD

Practice Makes Perfect - Sarah Adams ★★★★★ probably insane to rate this a perfect 5/5 but idc this spoke to me ("how is it possible to crave change and relish familiarity at the same time" i'm!!!!!!!!!!)

Twisted Love - Ana Huang ★★★ the best way to summarize my mixed feelings about this book is that as i was explaining the plot to my brother, he said "this sounds like the plot of a cw show"...

Twisted Games - Ana Huang ★★★★ i am unfortunately a sucker for a bodyguard/forbidden romance w kinda high(ish) stakes that keeps me guessing lol (+ i like how everything ended up/was revealed SUE ME IT WAS FUN)

Twisted Hate - Ana Huang ★★★★¼ i love you books with characters that have fucked up relationships with their parents 🫶

Twisted Lies - Ana Huang ★★★¼ kinda dragged on and the twists and reveals were....underwhelming??? (however i will say: i do respect when a main character threatens murder and!!! actually means it!!!! lmaoooo)

June

Binding 13 - Chloe Walsh ★★¼ first half of the book i was having soooo much fun!!!! loving it!!!! but by the 50% mark???? i was OVER ITTTT. WILLING THE BOOK TO BE DONE WITH.

Old Flames and New Fortunes - Sarah Hogle ★★ interesting characters and a magical premise (it was soooo reminiscent of charmed the tv show at the beginning) but as it went on i just...stopped caring UGH

The Seven Year Slip - Ashley Poston ★★★★½ the idea of fate + right place wrong time oh yeah SIGN ME UPPPP i adored this (also any book that explores themes of grief rly hit me hard)(and this did indeed! make me sob!)

July

Play Along - Liz Tomforde ★★★★ first half i was IN then at some point in the middle it got ehhhh but then it picked up again at the end thank goodness (LIKE. I ADORE THE ENDING OF THIS SM)(also the playlist i made while reading this truly was 10/10 perfect if i do say so myself)

Business Casual - B.K. Borison ★★★★★ and with this final book i can conclude: this series is one of my favs of all time <3

The Mysterious Case of the Alperton Angels - Janice Hallett ★★★★★ thought the first page of this was soooo dramatic and rolled my eyes reading it...and then the mystery reveals started happening at the end and i had to spend like ten minutes repeating "WHAT THE FUCK" over and over again

August

Caraval - Stephanie Garber ★★★★ the ending of this will either be so thrilling and fun to read (my reaction) or make you so mad and feel like everything was a waste (my brother's reaction as i recapped the plot to him fhjskhfkjds)

A Flicker in the Dark - Stacy Willingham ★★★★★ i'm kinda. like. losing my mind at how enthralling / mind-boggling / thrilling / exhilarating / riveting / spellbinding / galvanic this is oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD (yeah. i'm rly out here looking up synonyms bc idk if i have the vocabulary to truly express just how much i loved this)(also i need a screen adaptation of this IMMEDIATELYYYYY. NOWWWW. ASAPPPPPP. PLEASE)

[insidetheravensmind]

“𝐈’𝐦 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥, 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥, 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐬 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐰.”

Pairing ~ CG Changbin x AFAB Reader x CG Bangchan Genre ~ fluff !!warnings!! little space/age regression Word Count ~ 1,706 Author’s Note ~ I love writing cute stuff like this. Also, I meant to post this on the last day of 2022, but instead, I'm posting it on the first day of January. That means this is my first post of the year! Whoop! I apologize for how late this, I had finals and exams and family events to attend. I hope this is good for you. Requested ~ Yes! Check out my Stray Kids Masterlist Support me by buying me a coffee ☕️

link for picture

You’re living life for sure. Changbin and Chan never stop comforting you, their sweet, little angel. 

You were lucky to have the most caring boyfriends in the world, but you were even luckier that they took care of you so sweetly. They were the best you ever had because all the rest were shit.

You always struggled with caregivers, or finding the right ones at least. They always treated you not so well, some of them way worse than the others, but Changbin and Chan treated you gently, like thin glass. 

Now sometimes you were not so small. There were times when you weren’t little, and they still treated you as such making you feel bombarded and upset. Little space was a coping mechanism, and it can’t be one if you’re always small. You do feel grown up sometimes.

Now Chan and Changbin never meant harm, they just wanted to take care of you properly because they love you. They would be understanding, you knew that, but you weren’t sure how to confront them.

Many options went through your head, but you landed on the simplest idea: talking with them during dinner. It’s easy. The three of you sitting in the same place, over food so no one is grumpy, and peacefully at home. There was no losing in this situation, besides Changbin and Chan getting mad at you. Which they wouldn’t.

Right?

You didn’t expect work to be shit that day. You really didn’t. You thought it would be an ordinary day, but of course on the way you needed to have a serious conversation with your boyfriends WORK HAD TO RUIN IT. 

Goddamn retail.

But life must go on, and you’d normally fall into little space after a long crap day of socializing more than you could handle, but you knew you had to talk to them. You knew you couldn’t have a serious talk like that if you were small. So you tried to struggle through it. 

Hours passed after you clocked out and headed home. You were lying in your bed in your room trying to think about how to start the conversation. Dinner was almost done, and you were getting more nervous as the time passed. Chan was making spaghetti aglio e oil because Changbin had been craving it since a few nights ago. 

After you pondered a few more thoughts, Chan called to tell you that dinner was finished. You slowly got out of bed, hands starting to tremble as confrontation arose. But you went. You went to the kitchen where Changbin happily made your plate and set it on the dining room table as you entered. You took your seat, on the end as always and the two men faced each other. Before either of them could strike up the conversation you went for it, knowing it had to be done or else it wouldn’t be done at all.

“We gotta talk.” They stopped and looked at you with confusion and concern. You were never serious. What’s going on? They thought. They looked at each other, trying to decipher what this could be about, having no clue at all. 

Changbin broke the ice first.

“What about, baby?” 

You took a deep breath in and out. They continued to stare at you. 

“I am not always in little space, but the both of you continue to treat me like I am twenty four seven. I need the both of you to understand that it is a coping mechanism for me, and it cannot be one if I’m always in it. Then it just becomes who I am. There are times when I feel big, like an adult, but those feelings are ignored whenever the two of you are with me. I really wish you guys wouldn’t treat me so small all the time because I can’t grow if neither of you help me.”

Then it was quiet. Normally you’d feel awful at a confrontation like that, apologizing immediately after the fact and disregarding your feelings. But you stood your ground. You felt safe enough to. 

Changbin and Chan looked at each other. 

Chan then spoke, “Okay, we get that. We will do better about how we treat you.”

“Yeah, we never want you to feel uncomfortable or unhappy with us around. We don’t try to make you feel that way.” Changbin said. 

“I know! I just… maybe we could come up with a way to say or signal that I feel small?” You give an idea to help move the situation along. 

“That could totally work!” Chan exclaimed, and Changbin nodded in agreement. 

“What kind of signal would you do?” Changbin asked. 

You thought for a moment, not thinking this far into the plan. The boys began to eat as you still pondered about a possible signal. You ate, and all of you were silent while you still thought. 

“Maybe I could do the spy signal thing? When they put their finger on the side of their nose and swipe it?” You asked. Chan smiled at you. “Sounds good to me.” The two men smiled and you finished eating at the table. 

However, your bad day never left your head. As much as you wanted to be small from the long and tiring shift you worked, you felt bad because you just had an entire discussion about how you didn’t always feel small. You didn’t want them to be mad at you for completely shifting perspectives from five minutes ago, but you were also too exhausted to even try and be an adult. You just wanted to be taken care of, and now you feel like you can’t. 

Luckily, Chan and Changbin knew better. They would always take care of you, no matter what. They’d never get mad at you for something as small as that. 

Later that night, when the sky darkened, you were on the couch watching random YouTube videos while Changbin and Chan were in the other room discussing. 

“I know we discussed the whole signal thing, but I think the both of us can tell when Y/N is little.” Changbin whispered to Chan.

“Yeah, we can. I think they’re little right now. I noticed they were upset after coming home from work. Should we wait for the signal? Or should we just take care of her?” Chan asked, nervous he’d cross the boundaries you just set. 

“Let’s wait for the signal. Until then, let’s just cuddle with her and see what happens, yeah?” Changbin said. “Sounds good.” They shared a small kiss before returning to the living room to find you there, snuggled in a fuzzy blanket on the brink of falling asleep. 

The men nodded at each other before walking closer. 

“Hey, baby.” Chan cooed. You stirred. “Can we sit with ya?” He asked. You turned, mumbling a soft “mhm” before sitting up for a brief moment. Chan and Changbin sat next to each other, and you moved so that you were lying on both of their laps. Chan put his fingers through your hair while Changbin caressed you softly. Chan put his other arm around Changbin, and he snuggled closer into his touch while your eyes softly closed. 

While you were dozed off, Chan looked over and smiled and turned his head towards Changbin. “She’s out.” He said. Changbin showed a soft smile. 

An hour had passed, and you woke up groggily. Your hair was messy, and your head felt dazed from lying on Chan’s hard thighs. As you moved to lie on your back, Chan and Changbin looked at you. Changbin spoke, “Hey, Y/N.” Your name. The only time they called you that was when you weren’t little. Which was very, very rare. It felt weird hearing it. But in your lost and exhausted state you vaguely remembered the discussion you had hours ago. 

Very gently, you laid back down, brought a finger to your nose, and softly swiped it across. 

That caused Changbin and Chan’s faces to light up. They immediately moved, so that Changbin could sweep you into his arms and carry you to the one shared room you all have. You snuggled closer into his chest and quietly let his name fall out of your mouth. 

“Binnie…” 

“Yes, little one?”

“I’m sleepy.”

“I know, baby.”

“Binnie and Channie take me to sleep?”

“Yes, babygirl.” Chan said. 

“Otay, Channie.”

“We can’t let you go to sleep without taking care of you first.” Changbin said. 

“But sleepy!” You whined. 

“No buts, baby. You know better.” Chan scolded. 

“I know…” You frowned. 

Changbin placed you in the middle of the king sized bed in the middle of your shared room. He moved to grab your fluffy pajama pants and a small tank top to match. They helped you change into the clothes. Then they moved you to the bathroom, where you all brushed your teeth and hair. They helped you rinse off, but by the time you completed them, you weren’t tired anymore. 

As you all walked back into the bedroom, you jumped around. Chan looked at Changbin. “She’s not tired anymore.” He muttered. Changbin just chuckled. “She’ll be tired in a bit. Just give her a sec.” 

You ran into your room and jumped onto the bed, latching onto your stuffed bunny. “I’m not sleepy anymore!” You said loudly. “Okay, baby.” Changbin stated.

Chan grabbed the covers and pulled them back. “Hey, hun, can you move against the headboard?” Chan asked. You listened and moved. Then he brought the covers over your legs. “But Channie, I’m not tired.” You stated. “I know, but we’re gonna relax for a bit.” 

“Otay, Channie.”

It was a trick. They were good at tricking you into bed. Before you could stop them they had you wrapped in their arms tucked into bed comfortably. You were stuck between the two, while you felt your eyes getting heavy again while they told you a story from the top of their heads. Eventually you laid back, unable to keep your eyes open any longer. 

The two men smiled at each other, both of them giving you a kiss on the head goodnight, and a kiss to each other before turning off the lights and heading to bed.

[queerfictionwriter]

February 2024: Writing Update

Apparently, I was a touch too ambitious at the end of January—there’s no outrunning that winter hibernation, it seems. February was quiet, writing-wise, and even if that wasn’t what I wanted, I’m trying to find inner peace about the fact that I cannot be all go, all the time. 

Total wordcount: 1, 713

Highlights: 

Started a couple of new, short projects—which there was a lack of on my docket

Made some good progress with Patreon stuff, despite the hibernation and other challenges February presented 

Did a fair bit of personal writing—which is typically on paper, and thus not counted among my monthly wordcounts

Goals for March: 

Generally, get back in the saddle, even if it happens slowly

Prep Patreon content for April

Finish & post something—the next chapter of the BDSM AU, maybe, or one of the short pieces i started recently

[hismercytomyjustice]

Ayyy, I’m back on my bullshit with my BG3 fic! Just about to hit 86k words. Good god.

Still struggling to comprehend that. And still have about two chapters to go. Eh, maybe 1.5. I’m thinking it’ll end around 95k. Maybe 100k. (・ω・｀)………..

Those numbers sound wildly fake. Especially how up until this fic, I’d never written anything longer than maybe 55k.

I can’t believe I’m finally reaching the end. Just a month or two ago, I was convinced I might never finish it with how bad my analysis paralysis was.

The whole reason I even started posting it was because my therapist suggested it as a way to help me out of the OCD spiral it was sending me into. I had fully intended not to post any of it until it was completely finished because I was terrified I’d never finish it.

…def don’t have unfinished shit haunting me decades later from ff.net…

Somehow my most popular fic on there was an InuYasha one from my MAJOR InuYasha brain rot days. God, Sesshomaru lived rent free in my head for fucking YEARS.

I am so fucking distraught with how they decided to handle his character arc. There is SO MUCH Sesshomaru merch out there this day and age. I would have lost my fucking mind as a teen if it had been available then. But I just can’t enjoy it now.

Like, no shade to those who are happy with how he wound up with Rin. I’m just not one of them. I just personally feel like it was a missed opportunity for both of their character arcs and also imho…he was pretty much her dad, so it just doesn’t sit right with me. Especially with how young she was when he took her in…

Would’ve loved to see her wind up with Kohaku like it felt they were going to. I also really loved Sesshomaru and Kagura together too (minus the whole uh…her no longer being around thing).

God my life fucking revolved around that show for literal years. Pretty much all of high school. Maybe some of middle school? I don’t remember 100% when I started watching it.

Idk if it was a special interest or a hyperfocus or what. It doesn’t happen to me often (despite what it might seem like on here). POTO hit me around the same time (when I was 16) and then there was a gap until Pacific Rim with a brief Transformers interlude in between.

The fact it’s happened again recently with BG3, Hazbin, and borderline IWTV is fucking wild to me. Like oh yeah, I get obsessed with shit but there’s obsessed and then there is Obsessed™. It might not look that different from an outside perspective, but good god it is BAD on the inside.

I fucking LOVE IWTV but I’m not hunting down every single microscopic bit of lore I can find for it.

Hazbin and BG3 tho? Good fucking god. I am desperate to consume anything I can fucking find. I am watching interviews, reading veritable dissertations on them, I am thinking about them non-fucking-stop.

You can gauge my true level of derangement by:

1. Have I written fanfic about it?

2. How much fanfic have I written about it?

IWTV is an A Tier obsession for me. BG3 and Hazbin? That shit is S Tier.

Not that I write fanfic for everything S Tier, case in point Stardew Valley, but yeah…there’s a fucking reason I have fucking 7 Pacific Rim fanfics under my belt.

And right now I’ve got a multi-chapter Hazbin crack fic cooking on the side that’s already about to hit 9k words. It is wildly self-indulgent but damn if I’m not enjoying every fucking second of it.

Maybe one day I’ll get back to the modern day Phantom AU I started back at the end of January. It’s got 5k on it. My only real concern with it tho is I worry about drifting too close to Binary, my fave POTO fanfic of all time. And, tbh, a solid contender for my fave fic of all time in general. The number of times I have read that masterpiece.

Fuck. Cannot recommend it enough if you’re a POTO fan. It is a goddamn work of art.

But yeah, being so close to finishing this BG3 fic is such a weird feeling. It kind of makes me want to peel my skin off and flee into the woods? But I think it’ll also be really fucking good for me. And I can’t believe I’m about to do it. It’s fucking terrifying lol. My OCD is NOT HAPPY.

I can take “comfort” in the fact I still have 9 weeks of editing ahead of me tho I guess? (ಥ﹏ಥ) Maybe that’ll shut my goddamn fucking OCD up with its chants of “you never finish anything, you’ll never finish this, best to give up now, easier to give it up than fight through until the end, you should give it up before everyone comes to their senses and realize it’s awful” blah blah blah.

OCD is the fucking WORST.

Weirdly I also have piano to thank for my ability to write again? Because the hardcore fucking OCD spirals that shit was sending me on was what made me realize I constantly have OCD spirals running in the background. It’s making them a fuck of a lot easier to see earlier on too. And that was like…Category 2/3 OCD for me lol. Writing was probably Category 4/5 until recently. There’s other shit that’s solidly a Cat 5 but I don’t ever intend to talk about it on here. That’s what I have my therapist for! Yay, therapy!

It is truly fucking wild seeing an OCD specialist though who is just like “oh, your big scary brain is not as big and scary as it wants you to think.” Like that was one of the biggest “holy shit” moments I had when she was walking me through the stages of OCD spirals and I was just like…I never saw the pattern before. But there it was. Spelled out in black and white on a little fucking worksheet.

Fucking insane.

Tumblr has helped me so fucking much too by making it easy for me journal about it all regularly. I don’t always post what I journal, but it helps me see the forest for the trees regardless. And by forcing myself to “share” shit, I’m chipping away at the part of my OCD that fucking thrives on avoidance and self-consciousness about this shit. Because you’re not supposed to avoid OCD thoughts. That just makes ultimately them worse. So I share them on here knowing there’s like a 1% anyone will ever read any of this, but it’s enough to take away some of the fear/shame/avoidance that would otherwise add fuel to the fire so.

┐(￣ ヘ￣)┌

It’s all not as big and bad and scary and awful as my OCD makes it out to be in the confines of my noggin. It’s fucking hard sometimes, sharing some of this stuff because it’s embarrassing and awful and stupid. There’s nothing logical about OCD thoughts and knowing that makes it even fucking worse.

Like… I know the entirety of the internet isn’t going to just show up one day and tell me my writing is shit and I should quit. Logically. My OCD, however… It makes a lot of compelling arguments to my little lizard brain that are a lot harder to ignore.

Like how I almost didn’t sign up for piano classes at all because my OCD told me I’d never practice and I’d be wasting the teacher’s time and if I then quit I was frivolously playing with part of their livelihood and therefore a terrible fucking person. Would I say that to someone else? Absolutely not. That’s all absurd. Did I spend weeks agonizing over it in my noggin? Abso-fuckin’-lutely I did. And it didn’t even occur to me it was batshit until I finally brought it up to my husband and realized “wait one goddamn second, this is an OCD spiral, isn’t it?”

Lololol. The “joys” of mental illness! But hey, at least the therapy seems to be working. One step at a time baybeee!

[danpuff-ao3]

do you know the snarry fic Marriage Stone? i want to read it, but it says "chapters 62/?" !!! do you know if it is completed? i can't bring myself to read anything that is not completed. :'(

whatever help would be great!

Hello! Yes, sadly The Marriage Stone is famously unfinished nearly 16 years after its original posting, and 9ish years after its last update. There are more chapters on ffnet. 77 actual chapters, and 1 author's note from 2016.

The original author, Josephine Darcy, encountered many issues IRL that led to a hiatus, and in that hiatus, others picked up The Marriage Stone to finish themselves. You can find several "continuations" of the fic by different authors on ffnet; I believe I've also happened upon them on AO3, though never sought them out there.

Josephine Darcy was a bit (understandably) dismayed to see so many continuations of the work she loved and had been unable to complete herself. As of now, it is uncertain whether she will ever actually finish it. It's been over 6 years since her author's note. But I am not one to give up hope!

I'd given a few of the continuations a try back in the day, but never quite had the heart to continue on without Josephine Darcy (though I'll admit to skipping to the last chapter of one that was completed!)

Due to the author's mixed feelings about the continuations (she seems to understand why, and harbors no ill-will towards the creators, though she was obviously negatively impacted by them), I cannot myself go read them. But, if you would like the choice for yourself, I will supply you with what links I can.

The Marriage Stone, by Josephine Darcy: original on ffn. 77 chapters + author's note. Nearly 400k words.

Lynne's AU Ending to the Marriage Stone by lynned0101: ffnet. 69 chapters itself; picked up numbering from The Marriage Stone, so between the two there are 146 chapters. Nearly 500k words for the AU alone. For the two together, you're looking at just under 900k words.

My Tribute to Josephine Darcy's The Marriage Stone by Yengirl (plus coauthor/beta Vine Verrine): ffnet. Ongoing, updated as of January 2022. Might be worth keeping an eye on. Features 44 proper chapters plus an author's note from around the time Josephine Darcy came back. They also picked up the numbering from The Marriage Stone and is currently at 122 combined chapters. Word count for this continuation is just under 300k words. Both together would be under 700k words.

The Yengirl continuation also looks to be on AO3 but with much less available there, so if you were to read it, I'd recommend doing so on ffnet.

It is such a great story and very beloved, at that! I've not often seen fanfics create such a ruckus that fans took such a huge project onto themselves to see it through. (Not that it hasn't happened, just not that I've seen, of course.) It's an old story, but one full of adventure and intrigue and fabulous world building. It is also the reason I fell in love with the Draco/Charlie ship! It is also one of two stories that gave me an aversion to beginning WIPs 😂 This and starcrossed's Nights of Gethsemane series, with its unfinished sequel Release of Sisyphus.

I would tentatively say it's still worth reading, even in its incomplete state, but that might be nostalgia talking. Maybe I think it's worth knowing that part of Snarry history. Maybe it is just that good. I'm a nostalgic lady myself, so I make no promises! But there is at least an existing, complete version if you would like to give it a try.

And wherever Josephine Darcy is, and whatever she is doing, I hope we can all take a moment to wish her well, and hope that these past few years have been much kinder to her. And I do hope that, one day, she will be able to finish this story she put so much time, effort, and love into. But even if she doesn't, I hope she knows how meaningful and impactful this story has been to so many people. 💛

[claudiajcregg]

i'd love to hear any behind the scenes you have on 'say it's here where our pieces fall in place' bc i read it and loved it and i want to know about it 💜

Welp, I've been thinking about this since you sent it and I feel I won't do it justice! I feel like I could say a lot if I went chapter by chapter, but many tabs of unread fics stare back at me. I'll skim and try to say something, though.

Some commentary on say it's here where our pieces fall in place under the cut! I am sick and rambly. And lbr I can never shut up anyway, but this might be too incoherent even for me. (Original ask post here)

It was sort of an unofficial NaNoWriMo project, in that I set myself a goal to tackle “longer fics” or ideas I wanted to cover but hadn't. From my notes, I had this idea to write a ficlet per year because I always enjoy this kind of story, and I know I'd tried to approach different ones in the past. I started writing in late October/finished in Nov 2021. (The other fic I started was never finished, even if dammit, it hits.) I posted it in January, so it wasn't that bad, considering I'll often take months.

It's maybe important to note that I had only finished writing “The Monster (affectionate)” (aka the 148k-ish word IM AU) in early September and I felt a bit burned out after spending five months writing that (would’ve been less but the struggle was real for the last third of the story. Oddly reminiscing of you-know-what story these days). This arbitrary deadline helped me get back into writing. Granted, I wrote a couple of fics in those five months, but I wanted to try another multichapter.

Anyway. I picked some random, perhaps not obvious choices for the vignettes. It was partly to avoid writing something I might have potentially covered at one point, and also a challenge. Some are also strange (the dream!), but I kinda loved it? (Fun fact: the fic references the Sherry-Netherland, whose exterior is the establishing shot in Internal Displacement. I swear there is some thought put into my writing.) And as the A/N I wrote to myself, I definitely wrote and rewrote bits and pieces of this on my way to and from therapy, haha.

Let me find a fun fact about each of the chapters, if I can think of any.

1998: actually repurposed some campaign fic idea I distinctly remember writing in spring 2018, while I was still in uni. It also has GLOVES. I live for that.

1999: I like the idea of exploring Danny and Abbey's relationship! They presumably have a good one and yet, I don't think we ever see them interact. (And god. Danny's recent, pre-campaign breakup is a recurring theme in my campaign stories too, loool.)

2000: Danny and Josh are an underrated friendship, and I like the references to Rosslyn. There was so much in those months in Midterms that we didn't see, and I like thinking Danny visited his friend.

We also got two back-to-back chapters focused on Danny - I remember trying to make it even, so that the focus was more or less evenly split.

2001: the Manchester fuckup! And it's one of the dream chapters! There were two of them? (We're 3 out of 4 in which I was surprised by the focus, but now I kinda want to re-read it all properly?) I'll say that I can see some vague, unconscious inspo from Freefall by KadeeFalls in this chapter (esp since I was just talking to you about it)... But I'm mostly obsessed with the magical realism (there's another term that my foggy brain cannot think of rn) of dreams, and how it can help us clear our heads.

2002: I remembered this was set after Simon! I know it's probably an odd, controversial choice but they both tried to move on (at least, we know CJ did), and it felt disingenuous not to include it. There are moments when she almost admits to her previous (?) feelings for Danny, but stops.

As with most thus far, there were fluffier and probably better choices for 2002 (Christmas!!), but... My brain wanted it to appear like CJ couldn't really bring herself to think about Danny.

2003: Aw, the specialty store is inspired by a franchise over here that had Goldfish (not many flavors) and I took a dramatic license and added it over there. I also added a small flashback because I love thinking Danny doesn't think they're all that but likes them. (But will tease CJ about it.) Plus, some more resolution to moving on!

2004: Yeah, the formatting is weird. (This is one I'd have to go back and do a blockquote or something.) Danny winning a Pulitzer for the Shareef stuff is a mostly accepted headcanon. CJ seeing his picture on the paper and having feels is just something I love, especially if he mentions someone else. (Look. I'm all for letting him pine, but he deserves to move on and fail too.) Plus Josh teasing her!

2005: The Sherry-Netherland! fwiw, I'm sure I had finally figured out this was the place and decided it would be so cheeky to add it here. I'm so sMaRt. Flowers when she gets promoted! And my spin (in this story) of CJ vaguely shunning him. This is the angst before the fluff.

2006: I remembered this one was a dream at some restaurant! (Again the formatting is not great, but I didn't want to tip my obvious hand.) The same way I think CJ's dream in 2001 was about her wondering how Danny would have reacted, this is about Danny realizing he needs to reach out to her... But with the added family ~tale~. Def inspired by that lyric in "Sad Beautiful Tragic."

2007: I feel like having it at some random dinner with Josh and Donna was an odd choice, but I loved the idea of a double date! The scarf scene is just so! And the chaos siblings energy is great. It was a reprieve from the angst.

Meeting at LAX was right there! I had written a story or two trying to do it justice, so I'm guessing that's why it's not. And fwiw the airport story I wrote shortly after that is the one being posted ~soon~. (A rewritten, slightly expanded version.)

2008: Pregnancy mood swings! It hurt to make them fight, but it's so fluffy otherwise. From what I remember, it has various references to things that happen in the story (particularly from the first two chapters) but it still manages to close it rather nicely, showing how strong their marriage is. I hope.

Okay. This has gotten way too long and it's probably useless.

I've always said I could have written another 11 chapters using different scenes, because there are just so many, even outside the obvious ones... Though I feel I wouldn't be able to recapture the magic.

I do definitely want to reread this for real. As with many fics, it's one of those I used to reread often before posting it (especially the last quarter/third) and then just ignored after. See some other recent examples, such as memoir fic, Portland fic.

Thank you for asking, Ally! God, I used to be a good writer. What happened?!??!

[fenmere]

--- We have screenshotted this to respond to it because we just cannot trust that this is not an attempt to gather dirt. But we want our followers to read what we have to say.

We're going to share our own experiences (once again), but first we want to point out the bad faith element of this post.

They ask for us to give them our personal experiences via this website, Tumblr. And then they turn around and say, "Don't give me links to tubmlr blogs "as they arent reliable". We're not sure what "/nm" means, but fuck that.

OK, so.

Here's our story as condensed as we can make it (which means it is long, sorry). Written as if we were responding to this person (but we do NOT want them to see our words - they don't deserve it):

In 2012, we were working full time at an international corporate office and we started having some serious troubles at work. We knew we were depressed and anxious as fuck, and thought we were also struggling with ADHD. We were in active denial about being trans, and our dysphoria was getting worse.

And some weird shit began happening, which we blogged about. Our memory, which we'd had some trouble with before, went out the fucking door. We decided to call what we were experiencing "situational amnesia". It was like threshold amnesia, but on steroids. We would change tasks, or open a window on the computer, and suddenly forget about everything else we were responsible for. Even if it was written down on our desk.

This, along with just freezing and being unable to finish a big job, got us fired.

We eventually got a part time job at a small printing company, doing easy but rewarding work. But then, what started happening there was that we'd have trouble finding files on the computer. We couldn't remember where we'd put them, and have to spend some time exploring the file system to relearn it. But, we thought we were only taking three minutes tops to do so.

Then we'd look up and see that 45 whole minutes had passed.

We asked our coworkers about this, and they said we'd just been staring at the screen doing nothing for that whole time.

We got fired from that job, too, for not being able to perform it. This is after 20 years of working in printing and graphic design. We were good at our job, and we could do the job quickly, when we weren't in a fugue state or experiencing this amnesia.

Then, elsewhere, at home or in the drive home, we were having other experiences. Our reflection didn't look like us. We'd mistake it for another person, and see the mirror as a window or doorway. We also started falling asleep at the wheel, and it would feel like some sort of demon or ghost was trying to take control of our body and drive us off the road.

Along with a bunch of other symptoms and incredible suicidal ideation, we knew we were at the end of our rope, but it took until January of 2015 for us to finally come out as trans to ourselves.

We spent the next three days telling all of our friends this two hour long, enthusiastic infodump about gender and our experience as "a trans girl", and it was so much of a relief.

Then, on the evening of the third day, we told our parents and our brother's family, and it was like we weren't trans anymore. We couldn't remember any of the infodump, and we didn't feel like a girl anymore. But we got through it, and they were very supportive. And then it felt like our inner girl was poking her head out from under a trap door in our mind. And we were like, "oh, there she is!"

So we went to bed. And had a dream that our adult graphic designer was chiding our inner girl for hiding form our family, and she responded by saying, "But it's sneaky, and I like being sneaky." And she said it with our mouth out loud, in our sleep, and it woke us up.

And we could feel that we were at least two people in control of the body right then.

And we panicked, because if we had DID that would mean that our transition was in jeopardy. It could be used to prevent us from accessing care. So we decided to attempt to integrate via sheer will power, and not tell anyone about it.

Meanwhile, and for the following year, our wife at the time (now ex) was getting increasingly frustrated that we not only couldn't remember things, but actually appeared to adamantly change our mind about things. She'd tell us something we'd agreed to the night before, and to us it would be something we'd NEVER agree to. We STILL can't remember any of those initial conversations.

And, later, when we figured out that we were gender fluid, she said that her therapist knew a good hypnotherapist who could help us "integrate our different genders."

That scared the shit out of us.

It wasn't until after she called of our marriage and we moved out that we started to piece together the clues ourselves and figure out that we were undeniably plural.

We've lost at least two jobs and a marriage to the conflicts in our system. We've also since taken the self assessment schedule for DID and absolutely do qualify for the diagnosis, according to it.

That's an interesting test to look at. We recommend it to anyone who feels the need to talk about DID specifically. Many will note that, when scoring it, your past trauma does not play a part in making the diagnosis. There is a question about trauma, but it isn't part of the actual scoring:

Here's the thing.

We identify as endogenic for a couple of reasons.

One is that we believe that being "anti-endo" is a form of bigotry, and we have agreed with each other to take a clear and obvious stance on that.

The other is that we have literally been plural since birth, and qualify as endogenic. Our DID symptoms do seem to come from our traumas, primarily from severe dysphoria and being unaccommodated as autistic with ADHD. It's an expression of CPTSD in a system. But our plurality predates that.

More importantly, our identity as a system does not rest in our trauma.

We were in denial about our plurality, though. We were raised by a society that raises all of its children as if they are singlets. We encountered the idea of MPD around fifth grade in the 80s when people were talking about the latest movie about it, and our classmates shot it down with the latest skeptical "science". And from then on, the definitive word on MPD was that it was an itriogenic disorder that didn't involve actual plurality at all. Just therapists hypnotizing their patients into thinking they had MPD. (Which has been debunked, even though there were therapists trying to do that).

Right up to the point where Anne, our representative girl, woke us up by saying "I like to be sneaky," those of us in control thought plurality was fake.

But we have memories, memories that we have exercised throughout our life, dating back to when we were learning what the words "mom" and "dad" meant, lying in the crib, being picked up, experiencing textures, warmth, and voices. And those memories are from two different perspectives. Two, at first, then more. And then many, many more. We had undeniably plural experiences in middle school, when we first noticed our severe dissociation. We even correctly identified them as plural experiences later, after high school, when thinking about them. But then summarily dismissed, because "MPD isn't real".

In 2000, we started a webcomic with this page right here:

We worked on it through 2014, with the plans that it would be a story about a group of fictional characters attempting to escape their author's head.

It turns out that they were us, and that we did. And that there was no author (just me, the chief editor of the comic). We all participated in writing and drawing it.

There's so much more. Things like never being able to keep our hand writing consistent, but it being several consistent styles that would rotated depending on what "frame of mind" we were in.

The point is, we have always been plural, and we've been fired and divorced for it before we even recognized that's what we were. Other people figured it out before us, and held us responsible for it.

But, just like with being queer, trans, and autistic, we're not going to stop being plural just to make other people comfortable. We're not going to get a diagnosis that could jeopardize our healthcare, trans or not, simply to get validation from bigots. And we're not going to let the world pathologize our identities.

We believe we do have DID. But we call it CPTSD in a plural system.

And that's what it is in our case, at least. Using the therapies for CPTSD and doing it as a group, has helped us become functional again. And if it weren't for our physical chronic illnesses, we'd be thriving.

But, working would be interesting, because we will NOT go in the fucking closet about being plural ever again. Never.

It's too dangerous. It's too harmful to ourselves, our family.

And anti-endos can fucking choke on their own anger and ridiculous fear.

[drawnaghht]

more thoughts on ship names (leosagi, sliderbunny, yuileo etc) - more is not bad

So I'd like to suggest a thought - multiple ship tags and names are not actually bad - it's more like a way of detecting what flavor the ship and resulting fanworks will be. let me explain more below. if this sounds a bit dated, that's because I wrote this back in january-march but noticed I hadn't archived it properly and that it needed a bit more writing to finish some thoughts so I'm posting this now, lest I forget it lol. maybe i have also already posted it before but... i cannot find this old version, so i guess not ^^;;

If you like the Yuichi x Leo ship, are annoyed at Leosagi being used as an umbrella term or are just curious abt another fan's thoughts on ship names, here-a we go. Some thoughts on the leosagi and leochi/leoichi ship names in general ^^ 

Some things are a bit more outdated: namely, transfem!12yuinardo has now been steadfastly used as a ship tag for transfem Yuichi x 12Leo, so kudos to that person! Thank you for making this unique tag more common!

resources used:

https://fanlore.org/wiki/Pairing_Name https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiosyncraticShipNaming

Anyway, more under cut.

so, being in the rottmnt fandom for a bit longer this time (or being longer in a tmnt phase this time) and browsing the leosagi and leochi tags since august last year... has made me realize again that I really enjoy/prefer genfic most times? i like writing romance, but I enjoy writing action a lot more + exploring character writing in general, so that’s probably what my own crossover works will try to feature more too now.

being in tmnt fandom longer this time around, I thought that it was nice ppl still remembered leosagi, but I didn't expect a "new" version of it. Now, seeing thru the history of it (the RabNerd video on Leosagi felt like a nice refresher on TMNT fandom history in general and it’s nice to listen to) and going thru the tumblr tag (that and ao3 being sorta the only reliable archives on fanwork, with the exception of authors deleting their own work and tumblrtags not working as expected at times/finding hidden stuff), I think it's good we have multiple tags. Now about the tag I made up in september, "yuinardo" (I believe I already made two tagging-related posts thinking abt this tag/name way back in autumn 2022)

this YuiNardo ship name was mostly made as a portmanteau to make tagging and finding easier - for the ship Yuichi x Rise!Leo bc I wanted to differentiate it from Leochi/Leoichi but also the old Leosagi ship, because to me that was a bit different. at first I thought people would use the numbering system (03 leosagi etc per tmnt series airing year), but I started to notice that there was a lot more fanon with the ship this time than before. So when Netflix suggested the show to me one august evening after seeing the Rise movie, I started watching the series proper out of curiosity. as I’ve written before in a few places publicly (i think), the series was a bit slow and boring for me at first. But as I kept watching, I suddenly saw where the writing was going and what interesting things about its characters it was telling us. I got invested in the series for it’s strong family themes and how it handled its characters and story arcs, but also the music was something holding it all together for me emotionally. So I became a genuine fan and started reading more of the original Usagi Yojimbo comic too

one commonality I saw in many fanworks is that Yuichi is often changed a lot to fit a fan's own idea of who he should be as a character in relation to Leo or the fan's own setting/AU. This is fairly normal in fandom in general, esp for smth like TMNT. After all, why not play around in the sandbox given by canon? I also noticed fanworks often ignore the canon or worldbuilding set in his own show, and even the other prominent SRTUC characters get ignored/rewritten more than not. Or people make their own new versions with the same name. Which is fine, fanon!Yuichi and other fanversions are interesting. I usually like seeing redesigns in other fandoms and here they are interesting too, but I actually like the character as he is! He's funny to see fail but also fun/funny to watch/listen in general, especially interacting with other characters, whether main cast or one-off characters. He's a blorbo for me now who has taken up permanent root in my fandom/artist brain. I felt like he'd be fun to write in a shipfic or genfic with Rise!Leo bc their personalities are both so similar and so different. They feel like a strangely matching set, despite the shows never having a crossover (and despite Yuichi technically being a whole new original character for the show from the crew to avoid messing up the og Usagi cast too much). I want to write some genfic and Chizu and Kitsune centric fic one day too if I got the time.

Now after becoming a fan though, it’s honestly a bit sad to see people eschew his personality and writing completely - it feels fine that other fans are making AU and fandesign versions based on him, but this just means that when I open the Yuichi Usagi tags or search - I only find these fan interpretations but no versions where another fan is also a fan of the series. Which isn’t to say, that there aren’t other fans posting fanart, but that it’s just a lot less common that people tagging him as “TMNT usagi” or “Rise Usagi” etc. Some fans have said this is disrespectful to Sakai and the Samurai Rabbit crew - some even go on to hate the character (???) which like - it’s a cartoon. why are you angry at it. And these are often the older fans who are around my age (30+) or older, who are fed up with the younger parts of fandom - which I kinda get. I’ve even seen people make stuff up about the series, but I’m not really interested in pursuing that further because you know what. People have grievances about fandom stuff all the time. It’s pointless and a little mindless sometimes. There are so many bigger problems going on in the world. Fandom is something we are all supposed to enjoy. So to argue with another fan - I don’t have the energy to do that anymore. I might correct factual errors here and there, because that feels like it can be a courtesy sometimes. But I’m not interested in laying down blame or building some sort of longer discussion around things that should be fun, if they’re not fun anymore. Honestly, it would be nice if for once, the older and younger parts of TMNT fandoms could respect each other and get along. Like I’m not feeling hopeless about that but it’s just annoying to come back every 5-8 years and see people fighting and arguing about similar things. But that’s another topic entirely. 

I don't honestly quite get the dislike of the character either, but I guess when I was younger, I would have been annoyed by a character like this too. (Foster’s Home comes to mind...where I hated Bloo because of his personality sdfsdfs but I was a very picky child with cartoons in generally)  Personally, to me it seems ppl ignore the show and its writing bc of various aspects: besides simple dislike, it's easy to look at a newer cartoon show in a surface-level way; many still have this stance on cartoons that a "dumb kids show" can't be interesting or have substance; the show falls into many concessions to fit what netflix ordered of the crew. + audience tastes have changed over time - and no, not even talking abt just spiderverse, tho thankfully that has changed what more "general" audiences expect of both an 3D, animated film and a superhero/action flick. (cinemas here even listed it as a 2D animated film a while ago lol. it's a complex bag of factors but audiences + specifically distributors/studios are becoming slowly more receptive to 2D animation again. slightly.)  

What may have been fun to see 10+ years ago for a 3D tv cartoon then, would not fly for viewers now. Even if we ignore internet-posting fans who do like it (who seem to be primarily teens and young adults up to age 24), and how popular the show was at it's premiere (3rd in the UK among kids?), there might be those in the target audience itself as well who do not like it for various reasons. Additionally, viewers are fickle about cartoons in general.  So there are probably many more reasons people have to dislike the character and show that are related to other things. Again, this is just how fandom sometimes works. I’ve been in a lot of other fandoms before where I’m the only one who likes canon or likes writing canon-adjacent, exploring theories in canon etc and this to me started to feel like a similar situation. So I understand when people say the SRTUC fandom is kind of non-existant, if so much of the “fan content” relies on a ship. But saying as someone whose seen sort of “worse” at least there are other people at all and the tags mostly have fanart/fic and not other kinds of stuff, like spam or worse.

Whatever us fans' view might be however, he is still a valid character in the Usagi-verse, AU or not. I've read and listened to interviews with both Stan Sakai and the show crew, and seen artist portfolios with work from the show. The overall experience on the creators' side seems to have been positive. That, and I primarily view the show as a sort of transmedia storytelling venue... almost. It never takes away from the og comic and it adds an interesting alternative future to it, similar to Space Usagi, but as a fun cartoon. It becomes a sort of "gateway tent" for Usagi media and kids who watch this might be inclined to open up the comics, rifle through their parents old books and discover the world of Usagi Yojimbo proper. Like the comic, it also becomes a vehicle for learning for those willing to look things up later after the show, i.e. the yokai lore, customs in modern japan etc. So to me, the show is a net positive and Yuichi Usagi an interesting take on a Usagi descendant. The show is also interesting for me for it's casting (all asian-american cast. hello???) and staff choices as it seemed that everyone was on board with anything Stan Sakai wanted +they tried to put Miyamoto Usagi into the series as much as they could despite Netflix giving them a full limit (or almost a no?) at first - but the series writers and artists included him in an interesting way. So to me the series is good and as a fan, I can see it have interesting crossovers (a lot of the crew also seemed to be big TMNT fans and big UY fans at the same time)

Yuichi is headstrong, openly friendly and impulsive, but also the only one who notices things "outside of the box" more often than the rest of his team. He relies almost entirely on his trained sword skills and complete chance to get out of almost any situations. Leo is sorta painted as a "team clown" and "team faceman", (s1) always trying to make things more lighthearted in stressful situations, which starts to contrast his more strategic nature as we go on in the series. He wonders why he's not trusted (s2) but the thing is, most times he does not tell them his plans, even if they work, so he's seen as impulsive. Together in any shipping or genfic scenarios, I feel like they would feed off each other's lighthearted natures and impulsive instincts, but also work well together bc of how many things they notice, but also, rabbit brain empty, and Leo would be more cautious. That was what I initially kind of imagined for them when I first watched through Samurai Rabbit.

I had a big "mega-crossover" fic idea back in august which would also feature the 03 ship Leosagi, where I could both have a tmnt crossover, write fun action-adventure with the TMNT + Usagi kids and write some sort of neat continuation to what 03 Leo and Usagi might have been going through in a 13-year timeskip. But for that, I thought the tagging would be easier with og tags vs just trying to number leosagi again. Since Rise started in 2018, we often tag it as TMNT 2018, but Usagi Chronicles aired in 2022, (even if production started in 2020) so any attempt to tag it as "2020s leosagi" has just left me more confused. So a unique tag was needed for my own tagging use. I’ve helped make some smoosh names before and this just seemed like a fun thing to do in a fandom I was sort of new to (the ship and SRTUC fandom)

Oh also, I read thru the fanlore article linked above on pairing name conventions and I had totally forgotten some of the ways to make ship names bc I've become so accustomed to portmanteaus and "_shipping" rather than x (used both in general ship names as well as slash pairings) + (preslash or platonic) or even / (slashfic) just bc those sort of conventional ways to tag are harder to find on tumblr bc of its tagging system (special characters make tagging unorganizable or harder to use)

+ I've been more active in modern fandom spaces for only 13+ years, while stuff like ff.net was maybe confusing to use as a young teen. So again, some pairing naming conventions have sorta escaped me over time lol. So it would be interesting to see what else people start to use for this newer ship of Yuichi x Rise!Leo 

Different kinds of names for one pairing are fairly common in any kind of fandom. Pokemon and YGO fandoms have put these on vote for example (thinking of doing this out of curiosity) but that would have to mean a more unified fandom I suppose? Having both a smoosh name (leosagi) and _shipping name (katanashipping) have stuck with the old ship and imo that should be respected because the ship conventions were there way before this newer ship or these newer series came about. I’ve seen many posts now where ppl complain about the tagging, especially the character tagging and the leosagi tag itself, because technically again, totally new ship. So to be a bit upset at that imo is totally understandable. imagine your favourite old ship you’ve been tagging the same is suddenly overtaken by a new, only vaguely related one? I also like the online shipping-related analogy: if you’re looking for a specific game in the store, why would a pair of shoes be tagged? or a different game? you’re only at the store for that one game, but now other stuff is being suggested to you because of other users’ tagging.

Considering those slash-ship naming conventions, I suppose I made the ship name to be more Yuichi-centric a bit - starts with his name, tho again, this was just one way to "flavor" the ship for me - but also specifically for the Yuichi we have on the show, because I enjoy the show and understand why Usagi is written the way he is on it. Mainly that he is given "annoying teen" traits to contrast the changes he goes through in the short time of the 2 seasons + he seems be written with intentional ADHD-coding. + I wanted something more lighthearted and funnier-sounding, so Nardo was added bc that is Leo's nickname on the Rise show that his family uses teasingly, mainly by Donnie. I thought that would make it unique. (And, this is more subtle, but I also thought it was more funny that Nardo sorta sounded like "Naruto" and that Usagi Chronicles has a few Naruto influences in its art and design, so, slightly matching in coincidence.) 

But also Yuinardo just sounds fun and easy to pronounce + I cannot find any other tags that it overlaps with. Main use for tags after all - easy to find and unique - which I think is why the og Leosagi tag prevailed among the other names that popped up back then when the Leosagi 2003 ship first became popular online. I have no idea however if there was a ship for this before this, since I never went looking really (and there weren't much leosagi fic on ff.net then to get any impression of previous fandom activity)

If you want to continue to use Leochi or Leoichi as a tag, that's still fine bc its a big tag and more popular for this ship. But if you also like the Samurai Rabbit show, feel free to use the Yuinardo tag as well, depending on the the use ^^

Going through the fanlore article, I also realized that hey, actually having multiple tags/names is normal in fandoms! It's to make searching/naming for different flavours of pairings easier. I forgor. Let me explain.

the Leosagi as well as the Leochi/Leoichi tags sorta blew up in august after the ROTTMNT movie bc of new or returning fans rediscovering an old ship that's been a constant since the 03 fandom. and ppl posted fanart of the two versions in the tags before this too, but there was a notable uptick in those new fans after august 2022. I think when Samurai Rabbit aired, ppl posted fanart then too. 

The SliderBunny tag existed already for people's own teen!Miyamoto Usagi x Rise!Leo versions and honestly, this could continue as an umbrella tag for any Rise!Leo x Usagi ships going forward, as "Rise Leosagi" has built up more as a tag. or "2018 Leosagi" whichever do you prefer

For 2003 Leosagi, Katanashipping exists bc it's unique to them (the katana-gifting scene in the 03 show) + it is a more specific name and tag, which helps to find it easier or make it more specific. + it just adds the extra flavor of knowing what went on between the two in the show. That was their last canon interaction as far as we know. 

I want to also add here that the 03 version of Miyamoto Usagi is specifically very different. I remember reading an article somewhere which mentioned that Stan Sakai had been a bit upset w the 03 team that they made Usagi so young and different from his comics. I'll repost/add the link another time, but the main point is that the 03 pairing/friendship is quite different from both the existing canon comics and the 12!tmnt iteration of their friendship.

someone pointed out that the yuinardo tag could be for the ship Yuichi Usagi x 12!Leonardo but I do not see it that way for the above reasons. But what could be the name for that then? That's for the shippers of that ship to decide. I've heard some variations of smashing the names together for this like Luichi and YuiLeo (I kinda like that 2nd one myself), but they both sound a bit too much like real names to be tags/ship names.

I do not know the Yuichi x 12Leo name, but I suppose it could follow common convention of adding 12 in front, since that has been done before for people's own versions of 12leosagi as well, so thir's world and see what happens! so it'll be interesting takes off more. There is potential for both angst and comedy in this one. 🤔 what people will start tagging this onnce coed be 12leochi or 12yuinardo maybe even. I do not see it honestly, but I also did not continue watching much of tmnt12 after season 3 bc it was hard to see Leo go through Stuff(tm) again and I did not like how the show approached writing its female characters. So I don't quite get the appeal, but I think if fans see opportunities to write it in interesting/fun ways, why not. I headcanon 12!Leo as a  transfem lesbian, and Yuichi reads slightly transmasc for me, so maybe that's why I don't quite see it bc my fanon ideas are a bit different for them ^^; + it feels like they are from different times from a "when it was made" perspective, the shows' vibes are different (12 is more horror-genre scifi a lot of times while SRTUC does not lean into its horror thematics as much as it could be the name for that then? That's for the shippers of that ship to decide. 

the transfem sapphic version I know one person calls Blue Sapphics, which is cute, but idk if there's a common name that every shipper uses? let me know in the reblogs or comments. 

anyway, larger point also; it's not so bad to have multiple tags (as long as you use them according to what's in the post) and multiple names - so that one tag (leosagi) doesn't have to do all the heavy-lifting and that fans who only want one flavor, can have that. tagging is more like a courtesy but it helps to make finding fanart/other fans of the same thing easier, but they often also follow what becomes commonly discussed and used among a fandom.

Sorry if this is super-duper long, I haven't been able to write normally since discovering the internet and that I could post on it and things just happen to get this long when I finally finish a writing ^^; 

crunches my brain a lil as I make this post bc i have other stuff cooking in my brain