#i finished 3 weeks of 12-hour days today please clap

[jessicaloons]

Chapter 9:

And when we go crashing down we come back every time..

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TW: Eating disorder

Day 1:

Inhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Inhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Inhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

I felt the fresh morning air streaming in my lungs. Felt the first rays of sunshine warming my skin.

Silence. No traffic sounds. No humans chatting in the busy streets. No sound from construction sites. Silence. I straightened my back and sat up, spread my legs wide before I leaned forwards. Upper body touching the wooden planks of the porch. I could feel the stretch in my lower back, almost thought I would hear the creaking of the screws and iron plate. Then I got carefully up and leaned all to way to my left side, before I did the same on the right. Back up in my sitting position I closed my eyes again.

Inhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Inhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Inhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Starting over again.

Day 4:

"Come on, Liz! 5 more! 4, 3, 2, 1. And down." JK clapped when I slowly got up.

"I hate planks." I said and took the water bottle he offered me "What are we having today?" I took a sip and scrunched up my nose.

"Ginger, lime, mint. Good for the digestive system and also good for stress relief." he answered and I drank some more.

"Ugh, I hate ginger and mint is also not a favourite…" I mumbled and JK rolled his eyes.

"It’s good for you. Period. Get down, your 60 seconds break is over in 3, 2, 1 and plank…" god how I hated him at times, why was he always this freaking positive and cheerful.

Day 7:

"Liz, the race starts in 49 minutes, so if you want to watch it, hurry up." JK shouts from the pier and I try my best to finish the next 12 lengths in time for the race start. As I looked up after some time he waved me to him and I swam as fast as possible.

"Here, 22 minutes left!" he said as he helped me out of the lake and wrapped me in a big towel "Come on, hot tea and lunch are waiting." we make our way up to the cabin. What took me a week ago 9 minutes with crutches now only took me 5, still with crutches but the process was there.

Back in the cabin I made my way into the bathroom, but failed to open up the zipper from the wetsuit.

"JK, can you help me for a second?" I shouted and I heard his steps coming closer "Come in, can you open up the zipper please? My fingers are a little numb…" he pulled the zipper all the way down and turned to leave "My hero.” I chuckled.

"Everything for you, princess." he said obnoxiously sweet and we laughed.

"Get your ass ready, the race starts in a couple of minutes!" he chuckled and left the bathroom.

I watched as the camera panned onto Charles, congratulating Max, then Valtteri, then Lewis. He wasn’t happy, the moment he got out of the car, I could tell by the way he was walking that he wasn’t anywhere near satisfied.

"Hey Charlie, good race!" I said as his face appeared on my phone 4 hours later, he looks exhausted, unsatisfied, but also a little sad "What’s going on? Why that face? I know P4 is nothing we celebrate really. But come on! With that car?"

"I still want to win, no matter how shit the car is! Did you see Sainz? He was leading with a fucking McLaren!" Charles sighed and I wished for nothing more than to be able to hug him. "He’s my teammate next year and there are already so many articles out there! That he will be dominating me, he will give me a run for my money! What does that even mean?"

"It means they’re all idiots! Don’t listen to the media! Just do your races and don’t care what others have to say!" I tried to cheer him up.

"Yeah, you’re right! So tell me, how was the first week?" he changed the topic and I understood that he didn’t want to talk longer about the race. So I started to tell him about my recovery, what progress I made already in one week and soon after we were talking about random stuff none of us would know the next day anything about anymore. But just us talking felt better than anything else in the world.

Day 14:

"Hey Seb!" I exclaimed as he opened the back door for me.

"Lizzie! It’s so good to see you!" he said and pulled me carefully in his arms "How are you? How’s the recovery going?"

"It’s good to be back at the racetrack! And it’s going great. JK is literally my saviour! Oh here… Seb this is JK, my physio therapist." I introduced them and they shook hands "Does he know I’m coming?"

"Nope, all top secret. I hope there was no problem at the entrance?" Seb answered and I smiled "You’re a bit late. I hope he’s not in the car already! I told Sylvia to tell them to wait but with her you never know."

"We were sent to a different entrance because the one you told us was apparently only for staff." I said and he just scoffed.

"That’s why I told Syl-… never mind, come in now!" he ushered us through the garage as someone called him out.

"Seb! You need to get in the car! Now! You’re the last driver!"

"Shit! I’m sorry Lizzie! But I’ll tell him that you’re here before I get in my car!" Seb apologised and I just laughed.

"That’s ok! And now run!" I ushered him away as one of the Ferrari staff members brought us to our places and handed us both our headsets.

"It’s really cool to have you here, Lizzie!" the guy said and walked away smiling.

I watched how Seb jumped through the opening in the fence and ran straight to Charles' car, he leaned down and waved in my direction, Charles' head turned faster than the speed of light and I waved at him.

"Lizzie? Oh my god! What are you doing here?" Joris almost shouted and I turned in his direction.

"I wanted to surprise Charles, I was just a little late." I answered and Joris hugged me.

"If he wins today, it’s because of you for sure!" he laughed and I just grinned.

P3. Gino tapped on my shoulder and I looked up at him and he gently side hugged me.

"Ciao bella! Come on Lizzie, let’s go to the barriers! I’ll make sure that no one comes too close to you!" he said and I nodded, then I looked at JK.

"Go! But be careful!" he said and I chuckled.

"Yes, Dad!"

He jumped out of his car and as he was on his way to his team he stopped abruptly when he saw me, he pulled his helmet off and ran straight up to me before he scooped me up in his arms.

"Hey, ma belle!" he whispered and I giggled like a little kid.

"Put me down, Charles!" I laughed and he set me down "Congrats, Charlie bear!"

"Thanks. It seems like you’re my lucky charm, you should stick around!" he said and I blushed "What are you doing here?"

"You looked so sad last Sunday, I don’t know, something was off, I wanted to surprise you and asked Seb for help." I whispered and looked down, he tucked a loose strand of my hair behind my ear and embraced me again.

"I’m so happy that you’re here, ma belle!" he whispered and then he sighed happily.

"Charles, your team is waiting. And your interview. And your weighing! Come on!" I laughed and he let go of me, although reluctantly.

Day 15:

"It’s so peaceful!" Charles said and inhaled deeply as we sat on the porch, watching the sunrise, as we arrived just in time "I’m glad that I decided to join you for some days!"

"Me too, Charlie, me too." I whispered, suppressing a yawn and resting my head on his shoulder.

"Let’s get you to bed, ma belle!" he said but I shook my head, as the first sunbeams of the day were gently kissing my face.

"Just a couple more minutes, this is nice…" I pleaded and Charles sighed.

"Yeah, it really is!" he answered and gently leaned his head on mine.

I opened my eyes and realised I was laying in the bed of my bedroom. I slowly got up. Out of bed, walking out the room. On the sofa sitting were Charles, reading a book and JK sketching something in his mysterious book.

"Boys." I said and they flinched.

"You’re up." Charles patted the sofa next to him and I sat down.

"Barely." I yawned and closed my eyes again, leaning my head on his shoulder.

"Then why did you get up?"he asked and JK chuckled.

"You’re leaving on Wednesday, I don’t want to sleep through most of it!" I whispered and Charles put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side.

"Ma belle, it’s not even 12… and I’ll leave on Wednesday in the evening. We have enough time." he answered and I nodded.

"I’d say let’s have a nice little walk? And later on, we’re having a little cheat day? You wanted to use the pizza oven outside, Liz?" JK clapped his hands together and got up "I prepared some dough and we’ve got a lot of that good marinara sauce you loved so much! On our way back we’ll pick up the groceries in the store and then it’s pizza night!"

"Sounds like a plan!" Charles nudged my shoulder and I sighed "Come on! Show me how beautiful it is here!"

"I’ll fire up the oven, you guys prepare the toppings!" JK commands and Charles and I nod.

"So, we have mushrooms, bell pepper, pepperoni, salami, ham and look at that cheese!" I said as Charles washed his hands and grabbed some bowls, cutting boards and knives. As I washed my hands Charles was already munching on the first slice of ham "Charles!"

"I have to check the quality of the product! And if it’s still good! I don’t want you to get a food poisoning!" he shrugged and I laughed.

"And you’re trying the ham then for what?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I’m getting to the veggies, don’t worry! But what about JK and myself? Our safety doesn’t mean anything to you?" he asked, acting shocked.

"I’m sorry! You’re absolutely right!" I laughed.

"Thank you, ma belle! I guess it’s safe to say that ham is all good!" he said and put the ham slices in one of the bowls "Next salami!"

I laughed and began cutting the veggies, throwing them in different bowls.

"How are we doing, guys?" JK walked back in the kitchen, checking the bowls "The fire is burning quite nicely, dough is ready. I’d say, another, maybe 30 minutes and we can throw some pizzas in there!"

"Alright, here, Charles, put all the bowls on the tray, I’ll grab the sauce and something to drink, JK, can you grab plates and glasses? Oh and a spoon or whatever for the sauce!" I said and walked over to the fridge, grabbing some of JKs homemade lemonade and the sauce.

Outside Charles and I set the table, lighting some candles and JK took care of the fire. I sat down and watched as the last rays of sunshine coloured the sky in all shades of orange, red and pink. I shivered a little and pulled my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms around them, watching as the sun slowly disappeared behind the mountain tops.

"Here." Charles stood next to me with one of his hoodies and helped me into it "Better?"

"Better!" I smiled at him and as his scent engulfed me, I blushed a little.

"Alright guys! It’s pizza time!" JK exclaimed and Charles held out his hand and helped me up.

We each made a pizza with the toppings of our choices and JK professionally shoved them into the pizza oven with the shovel. After a minute the air was filled with the mouthwatering smell of our pizza’s. JK turned them to make sure they bake evenly.

"It smells delicious!" I said and Charles nodded in agreement.

"Now it only has to taste like it smells!" JK laughed and checked on the pizza "I’d say they’re done!"

"Pizza time!" I clapped as Charles held out the plates and JK put the pizzas on. He then sat the plate with my pizza in front of me and plopped down next to me on the bench.

"They look amazing!" Charles said and filled our glasses with lemonade, then he held his up and JK and I did the same and we toasted them together "Cheers!"

The first bite of the pizza was heavenly and I groaned.

"After weeks and weeks of Buddha bowls and wholewheat pasta and protein stuff, this pizza is the best thing I ever ate in my life!" I said and Charles and JK laughed "I’m serious!"

"It’s definitely far up, that’s for sure!" Charles laughed and JK nodded.

For the next few minutes we ate and talked about everything from racing to traveling. Indulging into our cheat meal, after a while the conversation died down and a content silence fell over us. I saw in the corner of my eyes how Charles and JK glanced over at my plate and I heard JK sighing when he realised I only ate 2 slices of my pizza, but he didn’t say anything.

"I’ll bring the stuff in and head to bed. I’ll have an early FaceTime session in the morning! Don’t stay up too late, kids!" JK got up and put the box with the dough and his plate on the tray, then gestured to my plate and me like he wanted me to eat more then he walked inside.

I sighed and played with another slice of my pizza.

"I thought it’s the best thing you ate in your life?" Charles asked and I looked at him confused "Doesn’t look like it."

"I’m just not that hungry…" I answered and shrugged my shoulders but Charles looked at me for a while.

"You’re okay, right?" he almost whispered it and I looked up "You would tell me if there’s something wrong?" I nodded.

"It’s just, all of these super foods and nutrient boasted stuff I’m eating right now because of JK is a lot! I know it’s healthy and it’s a good fullness but I feel bloated sometimes! I swear!" I laughed and tried to convince Charles and he eyed me questioningly for a moment but then nodded.

"But come on! Eat at least another slice of pizza! It’s seriously one of the best I’ve ever had!" he said and I smiled and bit into the slice.

"Damn! I wished we had some pineapple." I said and Charles' face scrunched up in disgust.

"Please, please, tell me you’re joking! Ma belle! Since when do you eat that!" he sounds disappointed.

"Oh relax, I was just kidding." I laughed.

"Good! I was thinking there’s something wrong with your brain!" he said but as soon as the words left his mouth he looked at me horrified "Oh god! Lizzie, I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking! I’m so, so sorry! Fuck! I am stupid! Ma belle, please believe me…" he began but I only shook my head laughing.

"Stop! Charles, it’s alright! I know you didn’t mean it!" I said but he still looked beyond shocked. I turned to him and grabbed his hand "Hey! Come on! It’s really okay! I know you didn’t mean it in any bad way!"

"I wasn’t thinking! But still, I shouldn’t have said that! I’m so sorry!" he looked down at our hands and sighed.

"Charlie, can you please look at me?" I say quietly but he didn’t move so I laid my hand on his cheek and turned his face towards me "Hi… please, listen to me when I say that it is okay! Really!" he leaned in closer, our foreheads resting against each other and he inhaled deeply.

"Still, I’m sorry ma belle!" he whispered and I only nod slightly, sitting back up "I didn’t think… it’s just a saying and…"

"Shhh… stop, please!" I put my finger on his lips to silence him "Stop apologising. It’s fine. I’m fine. Okay?" he nods slowly and I look up at him, right hand still on his cheek, left index finger on his lips. This close I could see all the tiny freckles on Charles nose, his thick, long lashes framing his eyes, eyes so beautiful I could get lost in them, over and over again. He looked deep in my eyes, one hand at my hip, the other covering mine on his cheek. Charles closed his eyes and swallowed hard, as he opened them he leaned in even closer.

"Good night guys." JK’s voice made us both flinch and pull away from each other.

Charles cleared his throat and ruffled his hair and my breathing was erratic. What just happened?

"It’s getting late? I think I’ll take a long shower and then go to bed!" I said and faked a yawn and Charles nodded.

"Yeah, you go showering, I’ll take care of the dishes!" Charles got up and grabbed our plates and glasses and then walked away, but then he turned around "I’ll put your pizza in the fridge!" then he left.

I took a deep breath and walked inside, straight into the bathroom. I looked into the mirror, shaking my head. Nothing happened. It was just a vulnerable moment because he was scared he hurt me. All good. Right?

Day 16:

After a good swim in the lake, we walked back up and I almost slipped, but JK thankfully caught me and we laughed. He held me close to him, just to annoy me but I laughed it off, shaking my head. Back at the house after taking my shoes off he pulled the zipper of my wetsuit down and I walked straight into my room. Getting out of the wetsuit I noticed a little bruise on my spine and called for JK, I put a towel on my front and waited for him.

"Is that from the black roll?" I asked as soon as he walked in and looked at me confused "That bruise above my ass!" he looked down and gently stroked over it.

"Does it hurt?" he asked and applied a little pressure but I shook my head "Now?" he rubbed a little stronger and I nodded "Alright. Seems like you’re making something wrong here… we’ll have a look tomorrow when we’re using it again." he said and I nodded "And now take a shower, you’re shivering!" and he left.

Day 17:

"I don’t want you to go!" I whispered as Charles hugged me tight.

"The season is almost over and then we’ll see each other way more! I promise!" he said and I smiled "I’ll text you as soon as I’m in Maranello!" he kissed my forehead, then he shook JKs hand and got in his car.

"I see you in a bit, ma belle!" Charles smiled.

"Bye, Charlie bear and please drive carefully!" I said and he nodded, then he drove off and JK pushed me back in as it slightly started to rain.

"Alright, Liz. Some light stretching and maybe a bit of cardio?" he suggested and I nodded.

"Let’s go!"

Day 21:

"Liz? Liz? Are you still sleeping? Liz?" the door opened slowly and JK poked through the crack "Liz? Are you awake? Come on. 4:00! We gotta get going if we want to see the sunrise!"

I didn’t move. I didn’t flinch. I only groaned and blinked rapidly. Trying to at least make something in my body move, but to no avail. JK realised that something was off and came to my side, kneeled down and switched on the lamp on the nightstand.

"Liz? Can you hear me?" he asked and I nodded slightly. Trying to even out my breathing "Lizzie? What is happening? What was that?"

"Give me a minute…" my voice was hoarse and my throat was dry. He got up and came a moment later back with a glass of water and helped me to gulp it down "Thanks."

He helped me sit up slowly and waited for me to start talking whenever I was ready.

"After I woke up from the coma, it was maybe a week later? I fell asleep, but then I woke up… and it felt like… I couldn’t move. Nothing reacted. Not even wiggling my toes. But I was awake. I looked around, but I couldn’t move. I panicked, I thought that the last week where I was awake was just a dream and I was still in the coma, like I never woke up from it and I could feel how breathing became harder and harder. I could hear these voices laughing that they would pull the plug on me. There were these shadows kind of lurking over me and I was so freaking scared. And it all felt just like it did when I really was in a coma, so yeah… I thought I’m still not awake. So I tried to thrash around the bed, but to no avail. I don’t know how long it went on like this but I woke up the next morning, feeling like shit. Muscles sore and tense, tired and exhausted. And with a headache I never had before… after that it happened more often… just like in Monaco whenever… whenever… yeah well I googled a little and I’m pretty sure it’s sleep…" I explained to JK.

"Sleep paralysis." he said it at the same time as me and looked up in horror "Please tell me you’ve told the doctors about it?" and as I shook my head slightly he pushed himself of the ground "Lizzie! For fucks sake!"

"I told Dr. Friese that I felt tense and had strong headaches. I didn’t told him the rest. How could I?" I said and JK sat down next to me.

"You said, you heard someone saying they would pull the plug on you… but you’re not supposed to know about that?" he looked at me with big eyes and I gulped.

"I was kind of awake. Sometimes I could hear the people talk, open my eyes a little crack…" I whispered and tears were streaming down my face. JK pulled me into him and rubbed my back soothingly "I didn’t tell anyone, because mum and dad already felt guilty enough that they decided to let them pull the plug on me. If they knew that I knew about it? That I heard it? That I was kinda awake the whole time? JK they would never forgive themselves!" I sobbed out and he just held me close.

"It’s going to be okay, you hear me Liz?" he said and I nodded "We might need to slow down a little. Focus more on your mental health at this point… don’t look at me like that. You’re doing great, physically! We’re far more ahead in your recovery than I thought we would be! So we can slow down a little. And I think it’s important to find you the right help… because what you went through, what you’re still going through is something I can’t help you with. So we will look for help." I sighed but nodded.

"I just don’t want anyone to find out. About everything! The coma, the sleep paralysis, the…" I stopped and JK only nodded.

"I know, Liz, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who noticed it." he said and I looked at him confused "You have an eating disorder. Don’t deny it. I’ve seen you. What you’re eating is not enough. And what you’re eating is pretty often exiting your body the way it entered. I’ve heard it."

"It’s just the stress. And I’m just not hungry anymore. Dr. Friese said it could be the trauma, the meds and stuff." I looked down at my hands.

"Yeah, that’s normal for the first 3-4 weeks. And not 3 months later. I’m sorry for being so blunt. But sometimes you need nothing more than someone being straight up with you! We will tackle that as well!" JK said it gently and I only nodded "For now, let’s get back to bed and sleep as long as you need."

I laid back down and he tucked me in, then he squeezed my hand and left. I fell asleep almost immediately

Day 25:

Another day without any message or call from Charles. Since he left a week ago I received barely any messages from him, one that he arrived safely in Maranello and had a lot going on the next day, but he said he would call in the evening, he didn’t, I asked why he didn’t call, no reply, one day later a message that he arrived in Monaco and yesterday that he’s now in Turkey. But that was it. No small talk, no jokes, no nothing. And when I tried to call him, he didn’t pick up. Maybe because of what happened, no what almost happened, he felt guilty? He had Camille after all. Maybe I should accept that she was right from the beginning, Charles’ full focus should be on her, as she was his girlfriend. Not me. Maybe I had to…

"Hello Lizzie, my name is Dr. Lindner, I’ve talked a lot about you with JK… so why don’t we start with you telling me everything that happened from let’s say the start of this year." Dr. Christian Lindner, therapist specialised in stress and trauma sequelae, was the one therapist that stood out for JK and would be the one I should confide in. He seemed to be a really nice guy, still I felt a little awkward sitting here and telling him about what happened.

"Even before the accident?" I asked and he nodded.

"Everything that changed from this year to last year. Family, friends, job. I want to know everything." he smiled encouragingly and I took a deep breath.

"Alright, good for you that we’re paying you hourly…" I joked and he laughed.

"Why do you think I chose this profession in the first place?" he countered and I laughed. Maybe this could work. He was funny.

"The year started, well not so good…" I began to tell him everything, Charles and Camille, Camille and her friends hating me, the cancellation of the WSeries for this year, me gaining some weight and Camille's comments, me trying to eat less to nothing to lose the weight again, overdoing it a little, the accident, being kind of awake, the video, me wishing I had died that day, the recovery, the sleep paralysis, Charles not talking to me anymore. As I looked up at him he smiled and handed me a box of tissues, somewhere along the way I had started to cry, I didn’t even feel it.

"Thank you Lizzie, for being this open and honest with me!" he said after he gave me a minute to gather myself.

"I swear I didn’t expect to let this all out! I’m so sorry!" I said a little embarrassed but he shook his head.

"No! Don’t apologise! This was exactly what I needed from you! It’s normal that once the floodgates are open everything comes out. That’s a good thing! This way I’ll be able to help you better. Because although your life… well I’m not one to sugarcoat things, there’s a lot of shit going on. And a lot of shit that you need help with to cope with. And that’s why I’m here. We will tackle every obstacle on its own. Step by step. I’m not setting a timeframe, we will be done when we will be done. But for now I think the most urgent matters are your anxiety, the eating disorder and your obvious feelings for Charles Leclerc." he said and I nodded but then I realised what he said at last "I’m not just a funny guy, Lizzie, this is my job. So… you and Charles and Camille? That’s also one of the main topics we’re starting with!" I nodded slowly.

Was this something I wanted to talk about every other day? No. Was this something I wanted to think about all the time? No. Will talking about it help me? Probably.

"Yay… I can’t wait…" I said sarcastically and Dr. Lindner just laughed.

"No one said that it’s going to be easy or that you would like it!" he chuckled and I just rolled my eyes "You built walls around you and I’m here to wreck them down… but don’t worry, I will stand with you on the rubble and sing “I’ve been looking for freedom”." And that made me laugh again "So, why do you think he ghosted you? Is it even ghosting when he texts you?"

"3 messages! Just to tell me that he arrived at his planned destinations! It’s just because we almost… we almost…" I sighed and shook my head "We almost kissed I think…"

"You think?" Dr. Lindner asked and I just nodded "And that’s a bad thing because? Let’s forget about Camille for a second. It’s just you and Charles."

"Just because I have these feelings, doesn’t mean he has them. And what about our friendship? I can’t live without him in my life. That’s just not possible! But what if I lose him because he doesn’t feel the same?" I said and leaned back on the sofa, hands covering my face.

"So it’s more the fear of losing him, that makes you feel like this? Not the fact that he has a girlfriend, that is not you?" he pressed and I sighed.

"Yeah, I don’t know. Both I guess?" I mumbled and he nodded.

"Alright, that’s something we can work with." he scribbled something down in his notebook and sat up a little straighter "And your anxiety and trouble with eating comes from, let me guess, Camille?" I only nodded "Yeah, that fits the pattern. It’s your own insecurities and feelings that are getting in your way. And with whatever she’s saying to you, she’s playing right into it."

"But can we fix that?" I asked quietly and Dr. Lindner nodded.

"Yes, we can. And we will. For today, I’d say it’s enough. I work out a therapy plan and I talked to JK already. He will help you with your eating. We’ll get there. Don’t worry." He got up and I did as well "I’ll see you on Monday! Goodbye!"

"Thank you, for the talk. Have a nice weekend!" I said and he smiled, before he left.

"How do you feel?" JK asked as he walked in and I sat down again.

"Better. Maybe this will work out." I answered and he nodded.

"It will." he said and I smiled a little.

"Yeah, I think so too."

Day 28:

P4. No call. No FaceTime. No message. Only pictures of him and Camille in the paddock. I texted him after the race that it was a good one and it almost was a podium. No response. JK sensed that something was off but didn’t push me to talk to him. I ate, went to bed and fought the tears. To no avail. I cried. A lot. Why did he ignore me? Was it really because of what happened? I called him, for the hundredth time and finally he picked up.

"Charles? Hi!" I began.

"Hi. This is Charles. Leave a message and I’ll call back." Voicemail.

I wanted to hang up. But all the frustration and sadness erupted and I let it all out.

"Charles… I-I don’t know what I’ve done that you’re so mad at me! I don’t know why you suddenly don’t call or text back anymore! I just… I’m sorry for what happened. Well almost happened! But it’s unfair to just cut me- I just miss you. Okay? Please just text me back! Tell me how to fix this! Tell me what I can do to fix us! Please, Charles! Please don’t leave me!" I sobbed into the phone desperately and as the announcement came, if I wanted to keep the message or delete it and re-record it, I deleted it and hung up. Then I cried myself to sleep.

Day 35:

One week of daily therapy sessions.

One week of daily meditation sessions.

One week of daily cooking classes.

One week of daily desperately checking my phone, with nothing from Charles.

One week of daily stupid jokes from JK to cheer me up.

Sleep. Eat. Therapy. Meditation. Repeat.

Day 36:

I sat buried under a ton of blankets on the sofa. Tear stained face. Headache.

"Hey princess. I thought we would go for a little walk?" JK asked as he walked in and looked around the room "Liz?" he was about to leave as he heard the rustling "Are you under there?"

"Yup." I mumbled and sat up.

"Okay. Not concerning at all. Come on. We’re going for a walk." he said and pulled me up.

"I don’t want to. I can walk just fine" I grumbled but he just grabbed my shoulders and turned me around, pushing me towards the door.

"Well, it could be better. You still need every couple of minutes a break and your legs are sore in the evening. So come on. Let’s go." he stood at the door and put his shoes on before he nudged me a little to do the same.

"Fine! Can’t be that bad." It wasn’t fine. And it was that bad. Not even halfway through I twisted my ankle a little and we had to head back home, where JK helped me on the sofa, left to get the first aid kit and then took my shoe off and checked my ankle. He was gentle and the pain wasn’t too bad, still I couldn’t help myself but tears were streaming down my face. JK looked up as I sobbed and gently pulled me into his arms. I don’t know how long we sat like this. But after a while, when no more tears were left to cry I sat up and looked up at JK. He smiled down at me and wiped the tears from my face with his thumbs. He was always so caring for me. Cheering me up. Supported me through this time. Always trying to make me feel better. I leaned in and kissed him, almost. JK pulled back and I blushed. I was shell shocked and scrambled off of the sofa, trying to walk away as fast as possible but my ankle gave in and I almost fell, JK catching me, like always.

"Lizzie, hey, look at me." he said and I shook my head.

"I’m fine, please let me go." I tried to pull away but JK didn’t budge.

"Lizzie, can we talk about this like adults?"

"No, JK. I’m sorry. I’m just- please let me go…" I whispered and the tears were back. JK gently pushed me down on the sofa and sat next to me.

"Look at me, please Lizzie." he said and I took a deep breath, before glancing up a little "It’s okay. Something like this happens quite often… it’s just normal. You’re vulnerable right now. You’ve been through a lot and usually Charles would be the one you feel attached to, because he is the one always by your side. But now it’s me. You see me as the one constant in your life right now. Like an anchor. So you’re transferring your feelings from the one you really love onto the one who gives you stability and safety at the moment. And that is me. But it’s not real feelings. Okay? It's okay. Nothing happened, it’s all good between us." he said it so gently that I swallowed hard and looked up.

"Charles and I almost kissed when he was here and now he’s ghosting me. What if… what if it’s the same with you?" I whispered and JK sighed.

"It’s not because of that, Liz." JK said and I was confused "I told him to lay a bit low for a while."

"What? Why would you do that?" I was furious and got up "You saw how hurt I was the past two and a half weeks because of that? And you didn’t say anything? Why?"

"Because first of all you had to start focusing on yourself! And not on Charles! Lizzie you were constantly checking in on him, whenever he was down, you were down and unmotivated. Your recovery was, is, more important right now and you should finally see that! And secondly, I needed you to finally face the truth that you are in love with Charles! You had to finally see that this denial is only making anything worse for you. You had to be honest to yourself and I had to trigger that. And look at that. You’re finally open up, finally be true to yourself and admit that you’re not fucking ok. So yes. Scream and shout and fight with me all you want. But you’re finally able to talk about your emotions instead of locking them inside, building walls that are higher than the fucking Sky Tower!" he was breathing heavily and I stood there contemplating what he just said. I closed my eyes and slowly sat down again. He hesitantly did the same and I looked at him for a second. Then I leaned back and laid my leg on his thighs.

"Is it sprained?" I asked and JK looked at me for a moment before he checked my ankle again "And what the fuck is the Sky Tower?" JK laughed.

"What?" he asked and took one of the bandages out.

"You said I build walls higher than the Sky Tower…" I answered and hissed a little when he secured the bandage and took a second one.

"It’s a telecommunications tower in Auckland." he said as he finished bandaging my ankle.

"I’m still mad at you. And at Charles. He shouldn’t have listened to you! How could he read all my messages and not even once answer me! And what did you tell him why he shouldn’t talk to me anymore? Not because of my feelings?" I sighed and JK only nodded.

"It’s okay, I broke your trust on this one, I’m sorry. I promise you it won’t happen again, only if you let me no other choice… just kidding! Maybe not. But anyways. I told him that you couldn’t focus on yourself if you’re always worried about him. And he couldn’t focus on his season, if he’s always worried about you. So yeah. I promised him to update him every now and then, which I did. But that was it." JK wriggled my ankle a little and as I didn’t react he carefully lifted it off and stood up "I’m sorry, Lizzie. I tried everything with you, but you wouldn’t open up to me. So I had to make you more vulnerable in order for your shell to crack." he walked out of the room and I closed my eyes. Although I was still mad at him, I understood why he did it. Why was he always right?

Day 66:

The last weeks were filled with more therapy, more meditation, more work outs to strengthen my core and built back some muscles, but mostly to get the needed nutrition back into my body. I could almost eat normally, without thinking about Camilles words with every bite I took. The anxiety induced by her almost gone. Only once was the sleep paralysis back. The last time my brain was lagging when I spoke a lot was at one of the earlier therapy sessions. When we were talking about how Camilles presence affected me. Over all I thought I was on a really good way. Charles still didn’t text me. After I texted him that I knew about what JK said and he ignored the message, again, I was worried. Didn’t he know what to say, after we’ve almost kissed? I thought he would answer. Maybe even apologise. A lot. Nothing and it hurt to know that it was this easy for him, to cut me out. Unfortunately it was something I couldn’t change, but talking about it with Dr. Lindner helped a lot.

"How do you feel today?" he asked and I shrugged a little.

"I’m nervous… in 4 days I’ll see my family again. After months. I don’t know, it’s weird. I think it was a good decision to stay alone here, to tell them not to visit me, after my feelings where such a mess after Charles left… although that wasn’t the reason, I know." I said and scratched my chin.

"How do you feel about seeing Charles again?" Dr. Lindner asked and I swallowed audibly "Ahh. That good, huh?" he chuckled.

"No, it’s fine. I mean. I know how I feel about him. And I know that these feelings are okay to have. I won’t deny them anymore to myself. But that’s it. Charles and I are friends. Best friends. Losing him would be the worst that could happen. So I have to accept these feelings. But I also have to accept that he has a girlfriend…" I answered.

"Very mature. But we talked about the effects Camille has on you? And we talked about how you have to be honest with Charles how you feel about her? How she treats you? And that she is one of the reasons for your anxiety and eating issues?" he asked and I nodded "That’s good. Really, Lizzie. You’ve come a long way in the last month. I think in the new year, we will start with 3 sessions a week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday? As my office is in Stuttgart, that’s very convenient."

"I knew it! I knew you were Swabian, too! Although you tried really hard to not let it out!" I laughed and he just chuckled.

"I can hide it most definitely better than you!" I nodded at that and we both got up "Have a nice break! Relax. Talk to Charles. You’re family, tell them about the issues you’re still facing. From that on, it’s going to be easier!" he said and hugged me.

"Thank you, a lot! I feel so much better!" I said and as he released me he grinned.

"That’s why they pay me the big bucks!" and with that he left.

"Okay, Liz! I’d say the next few days we focus a bit more on cardio? And then I’ll get you back home on Sunday!" JK looked at me determined and I nodded.

Home. The first time after I left for Monaco I would be home again. The first time in months that I would see my family again. And the first time after our almost kiss, I would see Charles again, as him and Pascale, Arthur and Lorenzo were going to celebrate Christmas with us. I wasn’t scared. I was nervous. How do you tell your best friend, that you’re in love with, that his girlfriend, he’s in love with, is one of the main reasons for your anxiety and eating issues over the past months?

Merry fucking Christmas.

————————————————————————-

Little Note:

That's it, chapter 9 is out, sorry for the delay - I had a little trouble writing that one, but it’s done (finally!). Next chapter will be a little bit different. You’ll see^^

Please leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts!

If you want to be added to the taglist, drop a comment!

Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!

Taglist:

@silkenthusiasts @eugene-emt-roe @sunny44 @itsjustkhaos @glitterquadricorn @aundercover @kakorrhaphiphobia @alittlebitofbooksandmagic

All the images I’m using are from Google, Pinterest and Instagram.

[yesoksure]

silly margin doodles 

[harryskalechips]

Too bad I’m attracted to you

A/n I know I said this was going to be up in two weeks but believe it or not, I’ve been so excited about this one. I’ve been writing it for three days and it is one of the biggest pieces I’ve worked on. Overall, some references such as places and the school system refer back to Canada because I am Canadian LOL. It’s easier to write about something you’re familiar with so in this case, we’re set in the true north.

word count: 6884 (I told you it’s very big 😉)

Please enjoy and give it a like or something, it means a lot xx

---------

Autumn 

Harry’s POV 

The school bell rings announcing that school was finally in session here at St. Clements High school. The year had just begun with the leaves breezing through the air and the sound of joyous laughter in the streets from children who had just begun school. 

It’s my fifth year teaching here at an all-girls school. During my first year, students and even teachers would constantly hit on me and I would like to say that stopped but it hasn’t. Many of the students may think I don’t hear them whispering or murmuring in the hallways but I do. I definitely do. 

I look up from my phone to see twelfth graders entering my classroom. I lock my iPhone and stand up in front of the board, observing the girls as they chose desks to sit near their friends. I offer a small smile to the girls who greet me and give a slight nod, waiting for the girls to be seated so I can start my introduction. 

“Good morning girls, I’m your English teacher Mr.Styles.” The girls wait silently as I see friends make eye contact with each other, probably communicating with their eyes. “This year, you girls will be graduating so throughout this course, we will be looking at three main ideas.” I roll up the sleeves of my black polo and grab a piece of chalk to write on the chalkboard. “Now, I’m sorry we’re jumping right into the ocean. I promise I will properly introduce myself and let you girls introduce yourself to each other, right after this.”

I face the board and write a list...

1. Format

2. Author’s choices

3. Clarification of ideas

I put the chalk down and rest my hands on my hips, facing the girls. “Okay, so I’m going to explain these points, if you would like too, you can write down what I say but I also have a syllabus for you girls that will be ready at the end of this week.” 

After 30 minutes of explaining the course, I lean on the front of my desk, finally looking at each of the students so I can remember what they look like when I learn their names. “Okay so let’s start the introduction.” I laugh a bit at the idea of introducing myself every year. “Should I start or would someone like to volunteer?” 

“I would!” A girl speaks up. She had natural ginger hair with slight freckles on her face. Just from the way she stood up, I knew she was the student in class who would participate the most. “Hello, I’m Cathy. A random fact about me is I love to watch Netflix. Say any show and I can guarantee I’ve watched it.” The class of 17 girls clapped enthusiastically, supporting one another.

After a couple more turns, and Jazzy was done stating her random fact about being obsessed with Nutella, a girl with light brown hair and pale skin stood up. She smiled sweetly and looked around the classroom before looking at me. I give her a slight nod to continue and she coughs in her sleeve before standing up straighter to continue. 

Now, I never looked at my students and debated whether they are pretty or not but for some reason, when this unfamiliar girl spoke I became way too interested in what she was saying than I have ever been with any students I have taught. 

“Hi um, my name is Adeline. A weird fact about me is I love to eat the chocolate part before eating a KitKat.” Her friends gasp while some called her out for eating the chocolate wrong but I laughed as I crossed my arms and watched her sit back down, shaking her head. 

As class came to a finish, I learned a few interesting facts about these seniors. I learned that a few hated English and loved math, some didn’t appreciate or care much about their education and some of these girls are really hard workers who want the best mark. Of course, I see these types of students every year but it’s nice to know which one these students are in my class so I can predict their course mark for the rest of the year. 

I wait for my next class and repeat my routine. This year I was teaching 12s, 10s, and 9s.

——

Adeline’s POV

“Oh my god. Adel wasn't Mr. Styles so hot in class today? Did you see his back muscles contract when he wiped the board?” Mya leaned against the locker beside me while rolling her eyes in the back of her head. Mr. Styles is definitely going to be her crush this year. Last year, it was Mr.Belmonte and the year before that was Mr. Sanchez. “Don’t give me that look, Adel. If you don’t think Mr. Styles is hot then maybe you’re lesbian!”

“Mya as much as gay people are cooler than you, I’m sadly as straight as a raw spaghetti noodle.” I laugh it off and shut my locker as we walk together to Biology class. 

“He’s our first period for the rest of the year. He’s going to always start the day off. I’m really excited.”

“That’s nice to know. I mean I’m excited about his class too, I really love English I hope he isn't a hard marker.”

As I spoke to Mya, my best friend, I truly began to wonder how I can improve more in English and see if I wanted to pursue it in University. So a month into Mr. Styles's class, I decided to stay after to ask him a question. 

“Hi, Sir. I just have a quick question I was hoping you would be able to help me out with.”  I approach him as he has a pen cap in between his teeth as he marked our commentary assignment from a few days ago. He looks up at me and sits up while focusing all his attention on me. 

“Sure Addy, what’s up?” No one has ever called me addy before. I know it’s surprising but usually, all my friends called me by the nicknames Adel, laine, or what my parents call me, delly. 

“Well, I truly love English but I don’t know if I would want to major in it. I was wondering if you know any opportunities I can try during my free time so I can think about it. I really have a passion for teaching and English but how do I know what to expect?” He genuinely looked really interested as he watched the grade 10’s enter his class.

“You know I’ve seen your work Addy. You have real potential. I don’t know if you would like this idea but I would love to be your mentor and help you with this skill you want to pursue. I know when I was in University being a TA, truly led me to this passion of becoming a teacher.” I nod my head and clench my binders tighter to my chest because it felt weird talking to a teacher for too long.

“If you would like too. I’ve never done this before actually but would you like to be my own assistant? I can ask Mrs. Raisell to verify with her. I think you can help me with marking younger students’ work and work on the outline of my lessons. At the end of this, I can write you a reference letter and give you hours if you need it for a special program.”

“Wow sir, no yeah I would be really honoured. It would mean a lot if I got to work side by side with you.” He smiles and stands up, probably a signal that I should go to my next class because he’s about to teach his. 

“Obviously during your class or anything to do with that class, it will not have to do anything with what you do with me but yeah, I would love to go over things with you to see if this career path is right for you. Let me just start my class and maybe I can get back to you by the end of the week?”

“Perfect. Thank you, sir.” And with our final remarks, I left his class with the biggest smile on my face. 

-

It’s been two months working with Mr. Styles after school. After Mrs.Raisell, my principal, accepted his idea, Mr. Styles and I began working alongside each other. Every Tuesday and Thursday, I would come back to his class after Calculus since it was the end of the day. His last period was a prep period which meant he had a period for himself to mark work and prep his lessons. When I come to his class, usually we focus on whatever he has left to mark. Some late nights, we would drown in a whole deep conversation about life when we get off topic about another conversation.  

“Mr.Styles, I have a few more papers to go through but I was going to uber some dinner, are you hungry?” I ask him as I sit at the desk in front of his very own. 

He looks up at me and stretches his arms. “You know, you’ve been helping me out a lot. How about I buy us some dinner? I know a really tasty Italian bistro a couple blocks from here.”

“Yeah, sure. Let me just text my mom so she knows I’m not at school anymore.” He nods his head and stands up, collecting my work and the papers he has on his desk. He shoves them into his side leather bag and waits for me by his door so he can lock it. 

He turns off the light and we walk together to his car. “Wow, nice car. I’m guessing you’re a bachelor?” He unlocks his car and smirks while putting his bag in the back. He takes my backpack as well and puts it behind the passenger seat. 

“Yeah, bachelor you’re very much correct.” He opens my door and gestures to me to sit inside so he can go to his side of the car and get in. 

“How are you still a bachelor?” I joke as I watch him shift the car into drive. We zoom out of the parking lot and with a few bumps from the speeding bumps, we’re on the main roads. He looks at me and laughs. 

“What do you mean? I’m 25.” He gazes at me while his elbow rests against his door and his hand is on the wheel. His other hand rests on the gear shift. 

“Well, no I just- I know it’s weird to say it but a lot of the girls in our school have a crush on you and not by students. I mean actual teachers. My history teacher was talking about how cute you were today.” His cheeks redden and his eyes widen just a tiny bit.

“Oh, Sandra. Yeah, I had a feeling she liked me. She would always make me coffee when I’m in the staffroom marking.”

“Woah.” I laugh. I can’t believe I’m having such a casual conversation with Mr. Styles. Especially since he’s my teacher. I guess it’s natural for us though since I’ve been with him for two months now. 

“So do your friends know you’re with me after school on some days?” He asks after he parks in the restaurant's lot.

“No actually.” We pause the conversation for a quick minute as we walk out the car together. He holds the door for me as we enter and the waitress directs us to a booth secluded in the corner. 

“How come?” He takes his jacket off and looks at the menu while I flip through the pages quickly, scanning everything on their menu. “My friends would think about weird scenarios of me working with you. I don’t know. I’m scared some of the girls in the class might become jealous about the opportunity you gave me.” He listens to me and watches me while I talk. 

“Oh wow. Yeah, I get why you didn’t tell them.” He closes his menu, probably knowing what he wants. “And to be honest, I’ve never done this before. I wouldn’t offer it to any student. I think after reading your work and your interest in the career. It would be nice to mentor you. Plus, as much as high schoolers are. I’m pretty sure nothing weird will come out of this. Mrs. Raisewell has been checking on us quite frequently to make sure no boundaries are crossed.”

“Yeah, I think that’s good. My parents were really happy you gave me this opportunity too. So once again, thank you.”

The next day went pretty smoothly during the first period. Ever since I started working with Mr. Styles, he would call me out during class in a teasing manner. For example, he would use me as an example when he was teaching us a lesson. He would also ask me to read out loud with the rest of the class. I never gave much thought to it since after school when we were together and I would always tease him too. Like a couple of days ago I called him out for eating things with his tongue out. I guess you can say he and I truly became closer than a regular teacher/student relationship.

“Addy, stay after class today. I need to talk to you.” He comes by my desk and tells me as the rest of the girls began getting ready for class.

The class went by very quickly in my mind as I kept thinking of what Mr. Styles had to talk to me about it. 

“Hey, sir.” I smile softly as I approach his desk. My eyes sparkled a bit as I checked him out briefly. He was wearing light brown khakis and a tight white long sleeve polo. He zooms out of the window he was looking at on his computer and focuses his attention on me. 

“Addy, hey.” He smiles at me and brushes his hand over his hair. “So, my friend from uni is a professor at Windsor university. I was wondering if you would like to come with me and go to the provincial writers’ gala. It’s basically this event where we listen to authors  and composers of different genres.”

“Yeah, I would love to go. Is there a specific dress code?”

“Yeah, it’s formal. Can you write down your address here, I can pick you up and drive you home. It's also in January.”

“How about I call you so I can give you my number and I can get yours too.”

After we exchanged numbers, I went on my way to my next class.

----

Winter

It’s been five months working with Harry. Throughout these past couple of months, We began sharing more about ourselves. We were on first name bases. I was calling him by his first name when we were not in class and he was driving me home from our late nights. Mrs. Raisell was frequently checking upon us as she promised and everything was going well. 

My friends and I had a few fun memories over the winter break. We were at Rachel’s party and we all got drunk. I spent time with my family and my older sister finally brought home a puppy-like she always wanted to. I bought Harry a Nike sweater for Christmas since I remember him telling me a night while we worked that he wanted to invest more in casual wear. Harry, being very nice. He bought me his favourite book when he first started university which was Emma written by Jane Austen. 

Tonight was the gala. After many months of finding the perfect dress, I found it just a week ago. It was this pretty pink long dress that was off the shoulders and with a slit through the leg. As much as I wasn’t Harry’s date, I would be with him all night long. I didn’t want to look like an 18-year-old student of his but more of his actual friend who came out with him tonight. 

“Wow, Adeline.” He smiles at me as I leave my house and step out. He had a single red ombre rose in his hand for me. “You look very pretty tonight. I would think you’re trying to get yourself a boyfriend from the event.”

“I don’t think I’ll be looking for one tonight especially since I have my teacher beside me the whole night.” I tease.

“Hey.” He drags the word out and laughs. “I asked you to be my date so you’re right. No looking for boys tonight.” Oh, so I was his date. I took in his outfit he had his hair nicely gelled as he had just gotten a haircut and he was wearing a classic black suit.

As we made our way into the fancy venue, we sat at a table with people we did not know. There were many people here tonight with cameras everywhere. Throughout dinner, we made small talk with the others and by the time I knew it, we were facing the front of the stage listening to a composer who wrote a one-hit-wonder. I had my second glass of wine tonight, feeling the need to destress. Harry only had one and stopped there.

“Harry,” I whisper in his ear. We were sitting very closely together as we listened to the 4th speaker of the night. He kept an arm around my chair after fidgeting for the past couple of minutes. 

“Yes, Addy.”

“Can we walk out a bit, I’m just feeling really sleepy from listening to them talk.” He nods without another word and helps me stand up. We try to walk out of the hall without causing much attention. He leads me outside into the cold air and leans against the pillar. 

“You okay? I brought you out here, maybe the cold air can wake you up a bit.”

I smile at him because he looks so cute being concerned about me. “Thank you. I really appreciate you bringing me here tonight. I’ve just been exhausted hearing them talk for two hours.” He laughs and stands up straighter. He takes his suit jacket off and hangs it over my body. “Trust me, I was daydreaming in there.” I laugh at his thought. 

“Wow, my teacher daydreams while another one talks too? huh.” I grasp onto his shoulders as I feel myself almost about to fall. 

“Okay, I think it’s time for us to go home. What do you think?”

“No! I’m not drunk I promise.” I smile and pull on his arm to try and get him to stop us from walking to his car. “Please Harry. I really am enjoying this night with you.” 

“Okay fine but can we go inside my car and go somewhere else if we’re done with this event?” I nod my head and with his hand still in mine, he brings us into his car. 

We sat quietly in his car for a couple of minutes. Until he turned his head to look at me. I had my body facing him already as my head rested on the seat’s headrest. I was admiring how good he looks. 

“You tired?” He asks me gently as the warm air blows on my cheeks. “You have those cute lil red cheeks because of the cold weather. I should have told you to bring your jacket tonight.”

“It’s alright.” I smile. “Thank you for tonight. I know it’s weird having your student as your date but you truly made my night. People may think how weird we are because of how close we are but I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate everything you have done for me. You believe in me and only want the best for me.”  He smiles and mimics my exact position. 

“Adeline, I can definitely say out of all my years teaching. I have never gotten close to a student before like this. I don’t regret anything with you. First time I saw you, you were just a pretty girl and a smooth voice but now I know how funny you think you are, how passionate you are, and just how genuinely smart you can be.” and without another thought process in my mind, I kiss him because I’ve always wanted to. The moment I saw him in the halls last year, my heart truly did skip a beat and it hasn’t stopped since. He pulls away from me as quickly as my lips touch his. He looked into my eyes for a couple of seconds and I was about to apologize for being so rash except he pulled me in again with his hand on my cheeks. His lips were full and soft. His lips were on mine and they fit so perfectly that I had no other thought except the feeling of his soft palm on my face. We kissed for a couple of minutes and by the time I knew it, he was driving me home with his hand placed in my lap as I played with his rings. 

He stops in front of my house as all the lights are turned off, meaning my parents went to bed as did my sister. 

“Thank you, Harry. You know I had a great night.” He pulls his hand away from me and turns off the radio.

“Addy, about what happened in the parking lot. I’m sorry I kissed you. The moment was just very overwhelming.” He looks at the wheel in front of him. 

“I don’t regret it, Harry. Do you?” My heart beats fast, scared of the rejection that is seeping through his soft lovable lips.

“Yes. I promised you and I that I would not let us cross boundaries.” I look out into the deep night, seeing my street completely empty because it’s 1 in the morning. 

“We crossed boundaries the moment I started calling you by your first name, Harry. Why did you kiss me anyways? Maybe, it is inappropriate having your student as your date. Why did you ask me?” I feel so vulnerable after being rejected by him. I feel so embarrassed that the 18-year-old student he thought wouldn’t throw herself at him, actually did.

“Adeline.” He looks at me as I look away, getting ready to leave his car. 

“Thank you for this opportunity, Mr. Styles but I think it’s my time I take a step back and focus on a different career since this one does not seem right for me.”  I leave his car without another word and run up my driveway, crying. All I wanted to do was hide in my sheets.

After this night, I didn’t go to Harry’s class for three days. The first day, I stayed home but the other two days, I came to school after the first period was over. 

“Addy, oh my God. Why aren’t you at homeroom anymore?” Mya spots me locking my locker. “Mr. Styles has been in such a bad mood ever since the beginning of this week. He yelled at us because we didn’t understand a layout he taught us not even 15 minutes prior.” I let my hair fall behind my uniform and carry my binders to my chest. Mya was frustrated, rolling her eyes at the thought of our English teacher. 

“I don’t know, I keep waking up late,” I answered very shortly. 

“I’m starting not to like him anymore. He’s been such an ass! As much as he’s really hot, I can’t deal with him.” We turn the corner and I spot Harry coming out of the English department office with papers in his hand. He looks at me quickly then keeps his head straight to continue walking back to his class. Ouch.

“Okay.” I murmur in response to Mya, after seeing him again. 

~

“Hi, Ms. Olsen, is it okay if I pull Adeline out of your class for a quick minute?” Mr. Styles appears at the door of my history class. Ms. Olsen smiles sweetly and agrees. All the girls in my class look at each other while I stand up from my seat and meet him outside the hallway. They probably thought I was in trouble for skipping his class for the past few days

“Yes, Mr. Styles?” I reply with a cold tone laced in my voice. He was wearing a grey collar t-shirt today with black slacks. 

“Have you been purposely avoiding me, Adeline.” He asks seriously as he whispers.

“No, It’s been a coincidence. I have not been feeling well and I’ve been waking up late.” Not true. 

“See me in my class after school like usual.” and with that, he opens my classroom door, gesturing me to go inside. As I walked past him, his scent clung to my nose and I have missed it. 

~

As I entered his classroom, his class was empty. He was resting against the classroom’s bookshelf reading over a book. I close the door and approach him, with my bag being held by only one of my shoulders. 

“Mr. Styles, You wanted to see me.” He puts his book back into a spot on his bookshelf, my eyes catching the book of his favourite that he gave me last Christmas. 

“Addy, you have to understand why I regret our kiss.”

“I do.”

“No you do not,” He moves to his desk and sits on it, he brings me closer to him so I stand almost in between his legs. “I love my job a lot. I’ve always been attracted to you the moment you stepped in my class but my aim was to never seduce you or take advantage of you.”

“I’m eighteen. I-”

“Baby, don’t talk while I’m speaking.” baby. He just called me baby. “ I know you’re eighteen but you’re still my student. I know the age gap is 7 years but that’s not the point. I wasn’t supposed to act on my feelings, all I ever wanted to do was help you. So, I just want to tell you, I’m sorry because of what happened and I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. You deserve a whole lot better than I because as much as you’ve interested me out of all the girls I’ve ever known, I can’t give you what you want.”

“I really like you, Harry.” I walk into him, trying to be comforted. 

“I really like you too, Addy. I haven’t been in a relationship for eight years but for some reason the more I got to know you, the more I wanted you to be my girlfriend.”

“Take me home please,” I whisper into the crook of his neck as he wraps his arms around me. “Take me to your home.”

I walk into one of my neighbourhoods near my school, where Harry would pick me up. I spotted his car just ahead of me so I ran and opened the door to the vehicle that I’ve grown so familiar with. The moment I’m inside, I place my hand on his jaw while he grasps onto my hip to kiss me. His kiss felt so more affectionate as his thumbs rubbed circles on my hips. He kisses down my neck and onto my collar bone, sure to leave a hickey while I pull onto his hair. 

“Okay Addy, let’s go home.” 

His home was a small townhouse 40 minutes from school. It was very beautiful though and very well decorated. His living room had bookshelves everywhere filled from top to bottom. 

“Would you like anything to drink?” 

“No, I’m okay. Can we watch a movie and cuddle though.” 

Spring

“Hey, how are you?” Harry smiles at me as I enter his classroom. It’s May now, so his windows are open so fresh air can breeze through the room. 

“I’m good, what about you?” I approach him and give him a quick peck on the cheek. “I bought you some cookies from the cafeteria.” He smiles at me and kisses me on the forehead as he hugs me. 

“Thanks, baby.”  He sets up our usual set when I help him with marking. Usually, we act professionally at school, maybe a little cuddling occasionally. We try to finish early though so we can make it to his house so we can spend actual time together. “Does it still hurt?” He rubs my leg.

 A couple of months ago, I had sex for the very time and it was with him. He was very gentle with me and I spent a whole night at his place. In the morning, we had sex over and over again until going somewhere a bit out of town for some breakfast. Last night though, we had it pretty rough that this morning, while I was walking to his desk during class to ask him about a literary device, he smirked at me while I tried not to limp in front of everyone. 

“Yeah, as you care.” I roll my eyes at him and take out my 5th red pen since October. 

“I do baby but it’s nice to know that you’ve physically been dick down by me huh.” He sits in his chair and opens the bag full of cookies and taking a bite.

“No one knows you’re dicking me down except for us.” I bite on my pen and laugh.

“I think that’s what makes it hotter.” He offers me a cookie but I shake my head. 

“I’m graduating soon,” I smirk. He nods and swallows what he’s chewing.”

“University of Toronto Addy, I’m happy you’re pursuing English.”

“Thanks, daddy.” I joke with him as he raises his eyebrow. “I’m sorry I know the rules.”

“Yeah, don’t try and make me fuck you right here on my desk.”

“But maybe you should.” I blurted out loud. “I mean I’m graduating soon and I want you too.” I bite my lip and put down my pen. Without a word, he takes the papers and put them on the desk Jazzy sits in near the front. He pulls me out of my chair and onto his desk. 

“You want me to bend you over in the class where you sit every morning, talking to your friends.” I nod my head. He pulls off my grey blazer that is part of my uniform and throws it on the floor. He walks over to the door and locks it. He goes to the window and shuts each of them tight and closing the blinds. He stands in front of me again and unties his tie, then rolling it up. “Guess, where I’m putting my tie today baby?” He holds onto my hips so he can rub his growing self on me.

“In my mouth?” He smirks and whispers in my ear, a quiet no. He unrolls it and wraps it around my head so I can’t see. His fingers slowly take off my panties and he rolls them into a ball with a small murmur of him saying open, which I do. He shoves them in my mouth and pushes me more onto the desk. He pulls my skirt down and unbuttons my white polo shirt. He takes it off leaving me bare. “Not wearing a bra, I see.” 

He places his mouth onto my wet center and I moan. He wraps his hands around my inner thighs spreading them open, as I grip onto his hair. He leaps his tongue on my clit a couple of times, sucking onto it making my hips press onto his face. His growing facial hair tickling me. He takes my hands and adjusts them behind my back as he uses his other hand to take off his pants and boxers. From the way, he started rubbing his dick on me, I could tell his pants were probably down to his knees. He makes me stand up and he turns me over, pressing my tits to his cold wooden desk. As I moan, he inserts himself into me very quickly as I cry because of how good it feels. The frustration and the lust running in my veins making my heart want to burst. He keeps his hand holding onto mine as his other one gathers my hair into a makeshift ponytail. He bends down and starts kissing me, whispering the dirtiest things that always get me going. 

“You like that you little slut?” “You feel me deep in there baby?” “You’re doing so well for me, I love how tight you are, always trying to make daddy feel good.” 

By the time I knew it, he comes in me and stays for a little while, trying to catch his breath. He unties his tie around me and the first thing I see when I open my eyes are his clear beautiful green eyes. He carries me on top of his desk after wiping me off and putting my blazer on me. He fixes himself up first then helps me get dressed. He then carries me to sit on his lap in his chair as we nap for a bit. 

I think I’m in love with him.

Summer

“Okay girls, You’ve done so well this semester. You’ve had your fun time at prom but next week you girls are graduating. Thank you for trying hard in my course, I really wish the best for each and one of you because I solely believe that women are our future.” He smiles as we come to our last class of the year. I truly am going to miss Harry as my teacher. Of course, I’m going to miss how he gave me special extensions on assignments and his extra help on my work but what I really am going to miss is his presence. I’ve seen him every day for the past 9 months. I also can’t ignore the fact I’m so in love with him. 

He makes eye contact with me and smiles wider. He makes a fish face at me for a second and I blush to return one back. He then proceeds with his conclusion of the course and what we can expect in university. This is the room where I fell in love with him and it will also be the room where I leave him as I set my pathway in University. Of course, I’ll still see him every day since the apartment my parents bought me is close to campus and his place but it’s different because we won’t be at school anymore. 

... 

The day arrived and here we are at my graduation. After the long ceremony, My friends and I all took our pictures. I took some pictures with Mya and her family and with my family as well. After Harry was done having pictures with girls from my English class, he approached me. He greeted my parents, which they responded enthusiastically, knowing he and I are very close. They always teased me about having a crush on my teacher, what they don’t know is that I’ve been dating him for 5 months. My sister knew though, I needed someone to cover me up.

 “Hello, Ms. Chastain. I was wondering if I could take a picture with my favourite student?” I roll my eyes and ask my sister, Marla to take a picture of us. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close as we smiled widely together. We also took some selfies on my phone with kisses to each other when we were more separated from the rest of the big crowd. “Will you come to my house tomorrow night, for your celebratory dinner?” I squint my nose and pretend to act all iffy. 

“I don’t know Mr. Styles. Don’t you think it’s weird that a student will come to your house for dinner?” He pulls my hair a bit and pokes my hip.

“Shut up.” He laughs as his eyes crinkle. “Come to my car with me.” I walk with him to his car and I lean a bit on his hood as I watch him take something out of his car. He pulls out a huge bouquet of red roses and a teal bag from tiffany and co. The parking lot was empty because either everyone was in the hall or have already left. He hands me the gifts and kisses me on the lips. “Congratulations my baby. I’m so proud of you. 

He helps me take out the necklace from the bag. It was this beautiful diamond on this thin chain that rested perfectly in between my collar bones. Underneath the pendant, the letter H&A was engraved. I kiss him one more time, knowing tomorrow will be the day I tell him that I love him. 

~

“Wow, I can definitely smell the storm you’re cooking up in here.” I smile as I enter his house. I was wearing a nice blouse and white jeans with his necklace. He was wearing his casual attire, that I’ve grown to see more often as he bought more while we were dating. He was wearing this I heart new york knit sweater and tight black jeans. 

“Just for you, Love.” He helps me sit at his dining table as he sits in front of me. The dinner went overall really well, as we spoke about his experience in University not long ago. By the time, we were finished we were cuddling on his couch watching the fireplace tonight. “Isn’t it crazy how I’ve known you since September and you were my student? I just never really thought I would go for a student.” I rub my foot against his leg and snuggle more into his chest. 

“I never thought I would date the hottest teacher at my school nor get dick downed by him.” He pokes my hip and I cuddle more into him trying to hide. “Harry, I have something to tell you.”

“Yes, my beautiful girlfriend. What would you like to tell me, Baby.” He combs my hair out of my face.

“I love you.” He stays silent for a bit as the crackling of the wood became louder in my ears, I was trying so hard to distract myself from hearing my heartbeat. 

“Thank you.” I sit up a bit to see his reaction. He didn’t seem pleased that I love him.

“Are you not happy?” I pout and sit up so we can talk. “I don’t expect you to say it back but you just don’t look like you want me to love you.”

“Baby, it’s not like that. I just-, I don’t know. You knew we weren’t going to last long. Why did you have to develop such strong feelings?”

“I’m sorry Harry, what? My fault?” I stand up, getting off his couch.

“No, it’s not your fault. I’m trying to say, do you really think we’re going to last while you’re in university? It’s difficult Addy, I don’t want to pressure you into this relationship that seriously yet.” 

“You didn’t have a problem bending me over in your class the other month ago.”

“Adeline. Listen to me. You’re my girlfriend and I feel deeply for you, a lot but I don’t want to take that step yet when you’re just about to enter University.”

“Harry, I can love you whenever I want to.”

“You don’t understand. You went to an all-girls school, now you’re going to a university filled with thousands of men. I’m not saying you’re going to cheat on me but that’s just another example of how different this environment is. What if you do start falling in love with another guy? You’re going to leave me and I’m just going to be heartbroken.  I just-, what you said to me means everything to me and I don’t think you’re really committed enough to say that to me right now.”

“Fuck you, Harry.” I grab my purse, getting ready to leave. 

“Addy, don’t leave we need to talk about this.” He holds onto my arm.

“No Harry, I’m not dealing with your bullshit. It’s not me who is not committed enough to say those words it’s you! You’re not committed enough to admit it. You can’t genuinely believe that you can fall in love with one of your students. Just fuck you, Harry. I’m leaving.” “Adeline.”

“I’m giving you five seconds to tell me why you can’t accept me saying I love you right now, Harry or else I am gone for good.” I cry as he watches me. As I begin to count down, his hands on my waist tighten. “5...4...3...2...1” and with that, I take his hands off me. “It’s not that I’m mad that you can’t love me or anything. I’m just disappointed in you because you’re the first man I have ever loved and you rejected the love that I offered you. I trusted you so much this past year and you threw my feelings back at me.”

“Don’t...leave me, Adeline.” He whispers as he grips onto his hair.

“I’m sorry.” As I walk out his door, I hear him smash things to the ground but he doubted if we were still going to be together next year, I guess he doesn’t...anymore.

[achtung-attitude]

CHAPTER 42: Smooth Criminal - Part 3

The siblings lived off the grid for four years, scrounging their way through adolescence, making their way through acts of petty crime. As the War on Terror turned sour and the world’s finances crashed into global recession, Knowles and Toto each developed into hardened criminals in their own right.

By the time Knowles was 18, as well as dealing drugs, the two siblings were robbing banks, with Toto scouting and planning the heists, while his sister used her talent for violence to commit the acts. Together, they had an almost flawless record of success.

Despite this, Toto clung to his vices, spending as much time as he could high on marijuana. One night, Knowles returns to their then-residence, a disused and abandoned building in Watts, to find her brother in his usual state of intoxication. He reclines on a fine couch, staring listlessly at a flat-screen television.

“Wake the fuck up!” she shouts, kicking the sofa.

Toto doesn’t flinch. “Oh hey. I wasn’t sleepin’...” he says drowsily, “How’d the deal go?”

“4,000 bucks for that load of skag from last week. Fuckng’ chump change, but forget that! Have you even moved from that spot today?! All day, you sit there while I’m out keeping us fed!”

“Nah, I did… I did move today, I went to the bathroom like an hour ago, and--”

“Shut up!” his sister shouts, knocking the TV off of its counter and sending it shattering on the floor. “What the hell’s the matter with you?! You’re one of the smartest people I know, and you waste all your time and money on pot!! Are you trying to prove Aunt Janet right about you?! You want what she said to be true?!”

“... She was right, wasn’t she?”

Knowles pauses. “... What?”

“Aunt Janet said I was scum, and she was right.. So’s e’rybody. E’rybody thinks they’re somebody, but they ain’t… Dad mattered, he was somebody. He did e’rything right, e’rything he was s’pposed to do. Mom too. And then somebody walked to ‘em and shot ‘em in they fuckin’ heads. I couldn’t stop it… I couldn’t stop it. Because I don’t matter… Nobody matters…”

“Toto…” Knowles begins, uncommonly soft. 

“That’s no way to think at all, young man,” a voice from the doorway chides. 

Knowles was sure she locked the door behind her, and even if she hadn’t, she should have heard the latch click and the hinges swing open. But when she turns, she finds an old black man, standing as if he had been there the whole time. He is frocked in a white coat and wide-brimmed hat, with a gentle smile spread along his face.

The preacher removes his hat and raises it over his head, a gesture of salutation. “Good evening to the both of you! My name is--”

Knowles pulls her gun out of the front of her pants and fires four shots into the old man. He stumbles backwards and hits the wall, still clutching his hat. But a moment passes, and he simply gets up and brushes himself off right before Knowles’ horrified eyes. There is no blood, no wounds, nor even any bullet holes in the preacher’s clothes.

“Aaahh…!” he exclaims, like he just received a massage, “I thank you for that. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. As I was saying--”

“RAAAAGHH!!!” Knowles roars and unloads her weapon on him, emptying the remaining 14 rounds into the preacher’s body. Once that clip is empty, she produces another from her pocket, reloads, then empties that as well. Still, once finished the preacher starts to get up, none the worse for wear. 

“Knowles…!” Toto says as his sister is about to produce a third clip of bullets. “I don’t think it’s workin’...”

Knowles scowls. She keeps her pistol trained on the old man, but she doesn’t reload it. “May I speak now?” The preacher asks, and Knowles finally lowers her pistol. “Good evening to the both of you!” he repeats in the same tone of voice as before, even raising his hat in the exact same way, “My name is Brother Dust, and I’ve come to introduce myself as an admirer of your work. You may, perhaps, have already heard of me?”

“No,” Knowles spits.

“I have…” Toto says, blinking out of his lethargy, “You’re the preacher man. You was around back in ‘92… During the riot...” 

“Oh!” the preacher man exclaims, clapping his hands in delight, as he takes off his hat and places it on the counter where the TV was. “That’s good! Wonderful, this won’t take up too much time, then! Speaking bluntly, I’ve been following your activities closely for the last several seasons, and I am impressed! Most within the industry are convinced the recent campaign of bank robberies are the work of an entirely new, upstart gang, but I recognized the unmistakable touch of an independent entrepreneur. I was sure that it could only be the work of one, or at the most, two bold souls. And lo and behold, here you are! Like the Good Book says:

Beware you of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. 

For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. Therefore whatever you have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which you have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed on the housetops. 

That’s the Gospel of Luke. Chapter 12, Verses 1-3. Do you know the meaning of this particular passage?”

Knowles stares at him blankly. 

“Christ warns His apostles against the sin of the flesh,” Dust continues, “the chief among them being hypocrisy and the fear of death. The soul, He declares, is immortal. No Pharisee or man of violence can ever lay hands upon it, so why fear them? One who preaches the True Word should have no fear in him but the fear of God. To fear the hands of men when one has been ordained by the Almighty? That is the hypocrisy of which Christ speaks.”

“What the fuck… are you talking about…?” Knowles asks at last.

The old man blinks and then laughs, waving his hands about embarrassedly. “Oh my goodness, me, sorry about that! There I go again, spouting theology! I’m afraid I tend to get too caught up in my devotion! This is your home, and I’m merely a guest here to present you with a proposition. Young man!” he says, turning to Toto, still slouched on the bed, “Please, don’t hold back on my account! By all means, indulge in your narcotic. ‘Take a hit’, as the young people say!”

Toto glances at his blunt and stares at the preacher. He seems to be trying to think of something to say, but eventually, he raises the blunt to his lips and inhales softly. About a second after he lowers it, his eyes bug out of his head and he starts coughing heartily. 

“Toto?!” his sister cries, rushing to his side on the bed, “What’s wrong?!”

“I’m fine!” Toto replies, surprised. He raises his hand and stares at it with wide, completely lucid eyes. The high he was just enjoying appears to have dissipated like morning fog. “It’s like I smoked caffeine or something…!”

“Now that we’re all comfortable,” Dust says, drawing the siblings’ attention. He has sat down in the armchair adjacent to the couch, laying his hat on the coffee table. “I’d like to get to my proposition, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Neither sibling objects. 

“In very simple terms, I’d like to recruit into my organization. Now I know what you’re thinking…!” he proclaims, raising his hands in theatrical defense, “You’ve both been doing very well for yourselves as an independent outfit, thus I recognize your disinclination to becoming subordinate to another! But consider this: An entrepreneur may indeed have the freedom to operate how he or she pleases, but the risk of failure is far greater. Luck, or rather Fate, plays a role in the success or failure of every endeavor, and sooner or later, all of us lose favor with Fate.

“But as part of a collective, you receive the protection of your peers. What I propose is not to simply join an organization, but to become part of an enterprise that will give you the means to awaken your true selves! To rise above and-!!”

“SHUT UP ALREADY!!” Knowles shouts. Dust pauses, his passionate pitch cooling into an amused grin. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t give a fuck!” Knowles continues, standing in front of the preacher with clenched fists. “Even if I gotta die for it, nobody tells me what to do!! All I want to know is how you did all that shit?! How’d I empty my piece on you and you don’t even flinch?! What the fuck even are you?!”

“... Were you not paying attention? I thought I explained earlier, remember? Luke, Chapter 12?” Dust raises a finger to his temple and taps it gently. “I am a preacher of the True Word, who does not know the death of the body. And the True Word is that the List is written. The ink is dry. Only those with pure souls will see Paradise. Those like me, and like you.” 

“Pure…?”

“Yes. Only those with pure souls can become vessels of divine power. Your brother achieved purity through the banishment of desire, wanting nothing, giving himself over to the flow of Fate. But for you, my dear, your soul has been purified by the fire of hatred. The overwhelming desire to control, to consume. That is why you will both make excellent vessels.”

“That’s such bullshi--!!” Knowles begins advancing towards the old preacher, but a hand on her shoulder gives her pause. She turns to see her brother standing behind with a serious look on his face.

“... We’re interested.” Toto says to Dust, sounding more sensible than he has in years.

“... The hell we are!!” she yells, slapping his hand away. She expects him to recoil from her then, backing away from any confrontation, but to her surprise, Toto stands firm and looks her in the eye.

“We should hear what he’s got to say,” he says. “You saw what he can do. If… If he’s talking about what I think he is, then we might--”

“Fuck that!! Weren’t you listening before?! Even if I have to die, no one tells me what to do! Especially not you!!”

“Do you wanna stay here forever?!” Toto shouts, stunning his sister into silence. “Holdin’ up banks for the rest of your life, never changing anything?!” He calms down, lowering his voice, but his intensity does not dissipate, focusing into a quiet determination. He points at Dust and says, “He’s got… some kind of ability. Something that makes him special. And he’s offering to give us the same kind of ability… Can you afford to miss this chance? Don’t you still have something you need to do?”

Knowles opens her mouth to retort with some sharp, biting remark, but nothing comes to her. She stares into her brother’s eyes and sees strength in them she had never seen before.

 A moment of silence passes. At the end of it, she sighs, her tense muscles relaxing slightly, but not fully. Her hands remain in fists as she turns to the preacher man. “... I don’t pray.”

The preacher man smiles brightly and rises from his seat. “Worry not!” he beams, retrieving his hat, “Whether consciously or not, all our actions aid the will of a higher power…”

[let-it-raines]

Rising from the Ashes (14/?)

Summary: When her husband died, Emma wasn’t sure that she could ever move on. He left her with a broken heart and a baby who was only three-months old. It’s enough to take most people down, to make them not want to keep going, but Emma Swan isn’t most people. She’s stronger than she has any right to be. And after years of heartache, she’s found ways to move on…one of those being in Neal’s best friend, Killian Jones. 

As she’s always known, however, things are more complicated than they ever seem to be. 

Rating: Mature

A/N: Two chapters in one week? What? I’m trying to get back to spacing this and BOTB out, so this one gets another posting even though I’m not entirely sure if my writing speed for chapters will keep up. I’m nervous about this chapter. Seriously. I’ve read through it a lot. So I hope that you guys like it 💕

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

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There’s absolutely no reason for him to be running today. He doesn’t have the time. He should be in his office reviewing his presentation for tomorrow. He and Robin have spent weeks preparing “what if” scenarios for soldiers to have to run through in the new basic training regimes, and it’s been such a challenge having to form things for teaching instead of actual warfare. He’s been retired from the Navy for half a decade this year, and yet he still spends nearly every day of his life reliving scenes and memories of his time in the military. It’s a bit of the crux of being a career military man. When you get out, what are you qualified to do?

Not everyone has this problem. A lot of people go to school through the services and learn trades. He didn’t go to school, but he did learn a trade in logistics and planning to make sure that the ships didn’t go down in the middle of the night by some kind of Titanic shaped iceberg or an attack. It’s still what he does now, even as a civilian. He’d like to quit one day, to do something calmer, do something that doesn’t bring back so many memories of loss or bring forth so much stress, but this job pays well and supports his family. He can stay at least until Ada goes to college.

In seventeen years.

He’s going to be fifty-five in seventeen years. That’s odd for him to think about, but it’s exactly what he thinks of as his legs burn, the muscles and joints aching a bit more than they used to when he was younger. It’s usually not too bad, the running helping more than hurting, but some days it’s not as easy to hold his daughter above his head to make her giggle or to make love to Emma.

Just last week he’d gotten a cramp right in the middle of their activities, and Emma had laughed so hard that he had started laughing too.

Mostly he was laughing through the pain.

That cramp may still be going on in his right thigh.

It’s always an adventure.

And maybe one day it’ll be an adventure where he can take Emma sailing without any thoughts of war and the pros and cons of Norway randomly invading Afghanistan on a particular day or time.

So maybe that’s why he runs. He’s got a lot that he thinks about, personally and professionally, and the release of endorphins fuels him in a way. It stresses his joints, but it destresses his mind. Besides, he will admit that while he doesn’t think he’s a particularly vain man, he does appreciate the way Emma tugs on her bottom lip with her teeth when he lifts her from the ground or the way that she runs her fingers over the muscles of his stomach. Plus, he wants to be healthy for his kids.

That’s why he keeps running for the next thirty minutes, his legs pounding against the pavement and sweat beading at his forehead and down his back, the early February chill keeping him cool to a point where he knows he’ll start sweating more when he gets inside. It always happens, so it takes him a little while longer to cool down and to take a shower at the gym that’s around the block from his office.

“Jones,” a familiar voice calls to him when he’s just finished buttoning up his shirt, and he turns to look at Neal, his hair sopping wet like he’s just showered as well, “aren’t you supposed to be working?”

“I could say the same to you,” he laughs as he pushes his hair back, hoping that it’ll dry correctly since he doesn’t have any of his gel with me. “Lunch break?”

“Yeah, I don’t usually make it here, but it’s been kind of a slow day. Figured I’d eat while I work.”

“That’s how it goes,” he sighs. He bends down to lace his shoes, pulling up his socks the slightest bit before he turns to look back at Neal. “Hey, so Emma is dropping Henry off at my office, and I’m taking him to his therapy appointment. Do you want a ride?”

Neal’s really got to get a car, but now that he might be moving, he’s decided to put off the purchase until he knows for sure where he’s living. It’s likely a good thing. This way he can save up money and put as much down as possible without having to worry about making far too many payments with interest rates the way they are. And if he’s in DC, he may not even need a vehicle. It’s all complicated and still a bit messy, but he and Emma have made plans to sit down and talk to Neal sometime this week, possibly tonight, so that they can actually get through some of this. It’s odd basically regulating a grown man, one who is older than both of them, but they’re trying to figure out how to be a family. Sometimes that takes awkward conversations.

He’s not exactly looking forward to this particular conversation because he’s struggling with the thought that Henry might have to spend some time away from them. Emma is worrying herself sick about it, and she doesn’t even know what’s going to happen. Neither of them do. Hell, Neal likely doesn’t. If he’s honest with himself, Neal likely hasn’t put much thought into either. Killian’s not sure if it’s because Neal hasn’t realized that technically he has a right to having Henry live with him or if he doesn’t care.

Scratch that. Of course Neal cares. He loves Henry, but sometimes he thinks that Neal is more concerned about impressing Henry than being his father. Maybe he still doesn’t know how, maybe he doesn’t think he belongs as a part of their family. He can understand that. He felt that way for a long time, and it must still be difficult for Neal. It might not ever not be difficult, but all he and Emma want is for Neal to feel at home.

And be a father to Henry, to not worry about trying to be more fun or the one who gives better presents. He’s getting there. He really is, and maybe if he and Emma did a better job, Neal would feel more at home.

They’re trying. For as hard as it is on them, he also knows that it’s hard on Neal. So they’re all trying.

“His appointment is at five, yeah?”

“On the dot.”

Neal flashes him a grin while he rubs his hand over his scruff. “Yeah, I’d really appreciate that. Are you going to take me home afterwards or are you going to force me to walk?”

“I thought I’d make you walk. You’ve been letting yourself go, and I didn’t want to say anything.”

He barks out a laugh, the sound echoing throughout the locker room, and it makes Killian smile too, the corners of his lips tugging up.

“I could still take you in a fight, Jones.”

“Please,” he scoffs, tightening his laces one more time before standing up straight, “that never happened. I beat your ass in training every time.”

“Not on – ”

“October fifth.” “See, you remember?”

“Because you never let me forget about it,” Killian laughs, reaching down to pick up his bag. “It was all I heard for months. It’s been thirteen years, and you still don’t let me forget.”

Neal shrugs, his face still crinkled in happiness. “It was a damn good day. You even bought me a beer afterward.”

“Well, I figured since it was a one-time thing, it was the least I could do.” He takes a step over and claps Neal on the shoulder, smiling down at him. “I’ll see you at a quarter before five, and since I’m not evil, I’ll even let you ride home with Henry and me.”

“Such a saint.”

“I try.”

It’s a quick walk back to his office, and after saying hello to his secretary Anna, he settles down in his office and gets back to working on his proposal while eating the leftover pasta salad from dinner last night. He gets about two hours to himself to plow through things before Robin comes in, closing the door behind him and plopping down on the couch, the leather creaking beneath his weight.

“Are you almost finished with the coding for it? Because we need to send that down to Arthur for him to double check, especially since you’re leaving early.”

“I’ve got one section left,” he sighs, typing out one more scenario before rolling back in his chair and looking at Robin. “Did you come in here to procrastinate?”

“Most definitely.”

“So you’re whining about me leaving early because I have to take my kid somewhere, and yet you’re in here not doing your work?”

Robin shrugs and leans back further on the couch. “I already finished my section, mate. I literally can’t do anything else without you.”

“Aww, Rob, I always knew you loved me, but I never knew how much.”

“You’re an asshole,” he laughs, flicking a piece of paper in his direction.

“And yet you love me anyways.” He curls one side of his lips up into a smirk and winks at him, making sure to exaggerate it. “I really will be finished soon, and I’ll likely work through it tonight once everyone is asleep. Emma and I have a lot to do this evening, though.”

“I get it. I’ve got to go get Roland from his mom tonight, but we always get it done, yeah?”

“Aye,” he confirms. “Now get your ass off my sofa so I can finish this up in time.”

Robin mock salutes before walking away, leaving his office door open. It could be an accident, but Killian knows that Robin did it just to annoy him.

The wanker.

The rest of his day goes by as it normally does. He gets all of his program formatted and sends it off in time so that Arthur can run through the technicalities of it before sending it back to Robin. It’s a long, drawn out process, and when there’s a knock at his opened door, Emma and the kids standing there, he’s more relieved that he’s been in awhile to get to see all of them in the office.

“Hello loves,” he smiles as he gets up out of his chair, reaching down to hug Henry first before embracing Emma and briefly kissing her. “I can’t believe Anna let you in here with I specifically told her not to.”

“It’s because I’m super fast,” Henry explains, not at all amused by his joke.

“That you are. Did you have a good day at school, bud?”

“Yeah, but I need your help with fractions later. Mary Margaret made them weird.”

“Did she now?”

“Yeah, she said something about a pizza, but I didn’t get it.”

“It’s okay,” he promises, smiling at Henry to try to get him to perk up a little. “We’ll figure it out later. Do you want to get out your legos from my desk while I talk to Mum?”

Henry nods his head before dropping his backpack on the couch and hurrying over to get the box of toys Killian keeps in his bottom drawer for the times when Henry is here. Or even when Roland or someone else’s kid is stuck waiting while their parents work.

“I always hated fractions,” Emma sighs as she sways back and forth with a sleeping Ada. “And percentages. I still get those wrong sometimes.”

“We can’t all be geniuses like me.”

“Tone it down, Einstein,” she laughs, her lashes landing against her cheek. “But from what I can tell, Henry had a good day, Ada too, so I hope both of their appointments go well. I’ll call you after Ada and I get finished at the doctor.”

“I’m sure they’ll both be fine. Henry and I are going to pick up Neal and take him to his appointment too, okay?”

“When did that happen?”

“I ran into him at the gym and offered.”

Emma clicks her tongue and sighs a bit, her hands constantly running over Ada’s back. “That’ll be good. If you guys want to go out to get something to eat afterwards, that might be good too. Or maybe a snack since Henry has homework and we were going to talk to Neal tonight. Of course we could always talk to him tomorrow.”

He presses his lips together and reaches forward to caress her forearm, moving his fingers in a way similar to what Emma is doing to Ada. They’re both trying to comfort, even if it’s for different reasons. “We’ll talk to him, and it’s going to be fine. He’s not…we haven’t had many issues with him since we told him about us, and he’s grown a lot since then, yeah? He’s not going to try to take Henry away from you, from us.”

“I know that,” she whispers, looking over his shoulder to see Henry. “I really do. I’m nervous. I can’t help it.”

“I know, love. I know.” He leans forward and presses his lips to her temple. “Go take Ada to the doctor and maybe stop to get something you like to eat too.”

“That’s cute that you assume I wasn’t doing that already. Bye kid,” she tells Henry, waving at him. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye Mom,” he murmurs, not even looking up from his legos.

You can’t get between the boy and his legos.

He finishes up a few last things, checks to see how many emails he has that he needs to respond to before tomorrow, and then shuts his computer down before taking Henry out to the parking garage so that they can get Neal and drive downtown to their therapists’ offices. Henry gets stuck on talking about how Avery told him a restaurant by the pier serves Mickey Mouse waffles, and of course, that gets him to talk about Disney World and how Grace and Violet went with their families over Christmas break. He and Emma have talked about it before, but it’s expensive and they have an infant they’d have to cart around as well.

Maybe some other time.

Why take your kid to Disney World when you can take them to see a hell of a lot of history in Washington DC instead? At least, that’s what they’re telling Henry about their trip next month.

But Neal easily joins in on the conversation about Mickey shaped waffles and the pros and cons of Woody versus Buzz lightyear. Luckily for Neal, Henry likes a lot of the classic movies, so he hasn’t been subjected to watching every new movie to know what his son is talking about. He still has to watch a lot of them, but he’s got the basic knowledge of Toy Story and The Lion King down.

The Lego Movie was all new to him. That’s a favorite in the house.

(He may never be able to watch it without his ears hurting ever again with that damn song.)

After shuffling through traffic, he pulls into the parking lot of the office building and puts the car in park so that he can take Henry up to Dr. Hopper’s office, the two of them dropping Neal off on the second floor.

“So Momma goes to talk to someone, I go to talk to someone, and my dad talks to someone?” Henry asks in the elevator. “Why don’t you talk to someone?”

Kids. They ask the exact things you don’t want to be asked about.

“I used to,” he says after thinking about it for a minute, trying to answer as delicately as he can. “And I might again. Sometimes we need someone besides our mums and dads or our friends to talk to, and that’s why we talk to Dr. Hopper, yeah?”

“Yeah, he’s nice. He talks about you and Mom a lot.”

“We’re very interesting people.”

“Sometimes you guys are boring.”

He chuckles and pulls Henry into his side right when the elevator doors open to their floor, the two of them stepping out and walking to the receptionist’s desk to tell them they’re here for Henry. Dr. Hopper almost immediately walks out, which has never happened to him at any doctor’s appointment in his entire life, and Henry happily walks back in his office with him. He knows that Emma waits in the office when she takes him, but he needs to go fill up the car with gas. So he gets back in the elevator and walks out into the lobby while responding to one of his emails from work.

When he looks up, though, he stops in his tracks, instinct taking over as he folds back into a corner of the lobby while he watches Neal get into a car outside.

What?

What the hell?

Why is Neal getting into a car? Who is he getting into a car with? Is this some kind of therapy thing? They drive and talk? That’s new but maybe it’s a thing.

Bloody hell. It’s definitely not a thing.

Neal is skipping out on his therapy appointment and getting into a random car, and he has no idea why, the blood in his veins heating as confusion and worry courses through him.

He’s already swiping out of his email to call Neal and ask him if he’s okay, if something is wrong that he had to leave, but something stops him from doing anything. Some kind of inner instinct that he honed from years in the Navy and years as a father understanding when a child is lying to him stops him from reaching out and asking Neal where he’s going right now.

He doesn’t…he doesn’t understand, and with the way his mind works, he can’t focus on anything but running through all of the scenarios that might be happening, even the crazy ones. He seems to only be able to focus on the crazy theories which don’t even seem coherent in his mind as he twists them around and tries to make sense of his muddled thoughts.

Something catches in his throat, and he tries to swallow the gulp that’s there while his heart pounds against his ribcage, something constricting in a way that causes his breath to be a bit shortened. Or a lot. He might not be breathing right now. He’s still alive, so he’s definitely breathing. But he can feel heat spreading across his cheeks and goose bumps rising on his arms.

Fuck.

This isn’t right. Whatever is happening isn’t right. Somehow, without any rhyme or reason, he just knows, and if he’s honest with himself as he has this psychological breakdown in the lobby of an office building, there are things that haven’t been right since the very beginning of Neal’s homecoming. He’s noticed them. Of course he has. But his kids, his relationship with Emma, and making sure that Neal has had an easy transition back into society have been his focus so that he hasn’t put too much thought into everything else. He screwed things up so badly with Emma, to the point where she might not have wanted to be with him ever again, and all he’s wanted was to get back on track with her, to make sure that she knows that he loves her more than his own life. All he’s wanted was to make sure that Ada is still growing as much as she should and that Henry is okay after going through such a transition both at home and at school.

All he’s wanted is for everyone to be okay, Neal included.

This, how he’s feeling, how he’s thinking, is not okay.

But maybe it is. Maybe he’s overreacting. Maybe he’s imagining things.

He’s not imagining things. He can’t be. He’s not crazy. His mind is fully functional. He knows what’s in front of his eyes, and he just watched Neal get into a random car when he’s supposed to be at therapy.

Shit. He should have gotten the license plate.

Why would he get the license plate? What would he do with that? To look up to see if the Uber driver Neal is using is registered on the site? Is it an Uber driver? Maybe it’s a friend. Maybe Neal didn’t feel like talking about things with his therapist today so he called a friend? Why would he do that? Why would he hide that from them?

Then again, why wouldn’t he hide that from them? Emma would make him go, would be upset if she knew that he wasn’t going, so maybe that’s it. He needed a break from talking. Killian understands that. There were days when he used to hate going to therapy as well.

But…

He’s got no bloody clue what’s happening.

It’s likely nothing, and this is just his paranoia and anxiety stepping up when he’s been living in a pretty stressful situation for a long while. Maybe it’s a bit of confusion, but maybe it’s just another thing about Neal that doesn’t add up when he truly thinks about it. Maybe it’s something. Maybe it can explain why Neal’s handling his PTSD better than anyone he’s ever seen. Maybe it can explain why none of Neal’s scars were fresh, why all of them had years to heal. Maybe it can explain why Neal is so hell bent on being an American hero and spending his time in DC. In working in the government even when the government failed him so spectacularly. Maybe it can explain why Neal seems to always be gone, to never be home on time. Maybe it can explain Neal knowing things he shouldn’t know. It’s only been a few things, a few random, unimportant things, but Neal knows things that he shouldn’t since he has been in captivity for eight years.

Or maybe it can’t explain anything. Neal was captured by Al-Qaeda almost a decade ago, and that’s where he’s been. He’s been through a tragedy, and he gets to be home and back with his family, even if it’s a little different than the way he thought it would be. Neal was captured, and he is a hero. That’s what’s happened.

But what if it’s not?

That’s preposterous. That’s the most insane thought he’s ever had, and Neal getting in a car to skip out on therapy doesn’t mean anything.

All of his thoughts are starting to sound like people who believe in conspiracy theories, and he is not that kind of man. He is too logical for all of this. He’s simply stressed and a little short staffed after a hectic day at work and the impending conversation about his son’s living situation. All he needs is to take a few deep breaths and calm himself down so that his mind stops working in overdrive.

His phone starts ringing in his hand and he sees Emma’s scrunched up smiling face from where he’d just kissed her cheek before she snapped the picture. She put it in his phone as her contact name, and it makes him smile nearly every time.

She makes him smile.

“Hello, love,” he greets, clenching his jaw and attempting to calm himself down from the race that his mind is currently running. He hates when he gets like this. It’s helpful at work but not now.

“Hey, babe. So guess who is the father of a perfectly healthy nine-month-old baby girl?”

“I sure as hell hope it’s me.”

“I mean, obviously I was just calling you to tell you about a random baby.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Exactly,” Emma laughs, her voice so light that it nearly breaks him apart thinking about everything that’s just happened. It has to be nothing. It’s just a weird coincidence, a misunderstanding. All of these odd little things happening over the past few months with Neal have been misunderstandings. They can’t be more. They can’t for Emma’s sake, for Henry’s. Emma doesn’t need to go through anything else. She needs to be happy. He’s overreacting in the biggest of ways. He’s got to cut back on coffee. “But seriously, Ada is growing just fine. She’s nineteen pounds and twenty seven inches. Dr. Kay said the only thing was that we need to try some more different textured foods, so I’m going to run by Whole Foods and get some of the things on this list we got.”

“That’s wonderful, love. I’m glad she’s healthy.”

He’s more than glad. He’s so relieved. He knows of all the things that can go wrong in young children, and it’s the biggest comfort knowing that his child is okay. She once had a high fever, just a few weeks after she was born, and that was one of the most nerve-wracking moments of his life.

“You and me both. Sometimes I get so worried about her. Like, it’s so easy to mess things up, and I don’t want to do that.”

“Swan,” he sighs, smiling the slightest bit because he can’t help himself when it comes to her, “you are the best mum on the planet. There’s no competition.”

-/-

-/-

“I’m dying,” Emma groans, adjusting herself in bed again, kicking around the pillows at her feet.

“I’m sure that’s not true, love.”

Emma’s eyes basically turn into black slits, and he immediately inches away from her, putting space between them so that she doesn’t punch him. He likely deserves it.

“I have heartburn that is killing me. Actually killing me. I forgot about this.”

“Do you need something?” he asks softly, reaching over to her and rubbing his fingers into her arm while she still twists and turns on the bed.

“I think I’m going to just lay here and suffer in my misery, but if you want to get the remote for me, that’d be wonderful.”

“Now that I can do.”

He puts his book down on his bedside table before moving the covers off of his legs and rising from the bed to take the few steps toward the television and the remote that’s resting on its stand. He picks it up and tosses it over toward the bed so that it bounces on the mattress toward Emma. She quickly picks it up and turns the television on, flipping through channels.

“I’m going to go get some tea, Swan. Do you want anything?”

“Water. And some more Tums.”

“As you wish.”

It’s still early, the sun having barely risen, so he’s surprised when he finds Henry in the kitchen standing on his step stool as he looks through the cabinets. Usually he sleeps in on Saturdays, and they always hear the floor creak when he walks past their bedroom.

“What are you looking for?”

“Food,” Henry shrugs, not at all shocked by Killian’s presence. “Where did all of our good stuff go?”

“There’s plenty of good stuff in there,” he scoffs, stepping over to look in the cabinet with Henry. “Do you want some oatmeal? Cheerios? What about some scrambled eggs? I don’t think Mum is feeling up to one of our big Saturday breakfasts.”

“I thought babies are supposed to make people more hungry. That’s what Avery says.”

“Isn’t Avery an only child?”

“Yeah, but he’s smart.”

“Of course he is,” he laughs, grabbing Henry by the waist and plopping him down on the kitchen island so that he’s away from all of the appliances. “I can fix you something to eat, and we’ll go upstairs and eat it in my room, yeah?”

“I thought I couldn’t eat in my room.”

“But you can in my room when I say so, and I think your mummy needs some extra snuggles with you this morning.”

“Why? She’s already got the baby.”

Oh shit. He’s been expecting this, but he wasn’t really expecting it until after the baby was here and a lot of their time was spent focusing on her. He most definitely wasn’t expecting it now when Emma’s five months along and Henry has known he was getting a sibling for two months.

This is going to be one of those moments where he terribly screws things up, isn’t it?

“That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to spend time with you,” he says softly, making sure to be extra careful with his words while he closes the kitchen cabinets.

“But all she talks about with other people is the baby.”

“Mum is excited, lad,” he sighs, leaning back against the counter and studying Henry’s face, wishing his lips weren’t curled down. “I thought you were too. You’re going to be a big brother just like Liam is to me and David is to your mum.”

“I am excited,” he mumbles underneath his breath while messing with his t-shirt, the picture of someone who is not excited, “but what if you and Momma love my sister more than you love me?”

“Hey, hey, hey,” he soothes, stepping forward and wrapping Henry up in a hug even as Henry squirms away from him a bit before finally wrapping his arms around his back, “that’s just not true. We love you so much, Henry, and that’s never going to change, okay? Yes, you’re going to have to share your time with us with your sister, but I promise that we will love you just as much.”

“Are you still going to come to my soccer games?” he sniffles, burying his head in Killian’s shoulder.

“Every Saturday afternoon. I will be there for as much as I can. And when your sister is big enough, she’s going to be there to cheer you on every Saturday as well.”

“Is she gonna be able to yell like Momma does?”

“Oh most definitely,” he laughs, leaning back so that he can look in Henry’s eyes, his little brows no longer furrowed and his lips beginning to curve up. “She’s going to be a big yeller. She’s going to be a lot smaller than you, but we’re still going to do a lot of fun things. I always wanted a little sister, and you’re so lucky to get one.”

“You wanted a little sister?”

“Of course I did,” he answers, pulling the eggs out of the refrigerator so he can make some scrambled eggs. “When you have a younger sibling, you get to teach them all kinds of things.”

“Like what?”

“Well, you can teach her to play soccer and to draw those cool pictures of yours. She’ll need a lot of help at first, like learning to walk and talk, and you can help her with that. You can also tell her stories like I do to you.”

“I think she’ll like Captain Underpants.”

He snickers under his breath as he cracks an egg open on the pan. “I think she might.”

“Will she like TV?”

“Who doesn’t like TV?”

“Grandma sometimes.” “Well your grandma is just a silly goose,” he laughs, moving his spatula around a bit while adding some pepper. “But yeah, bud, she’s going to like all of those things, and you can help your mum and I take care of her so that her favorite person in the world is her big brother Henry.”

He and Henry keep talking about all of the things that Henry can do with his sister once she’s born, even if a few of them are a little far-fetched. But it’s a nice way to keep Henry excited, to make him be happy again when he’s apparently been a little down about it. He’ll have to talk to Emma about this later, to let her know what’s going on, and maybe they’ll be able to figure out a better way to talk to him about everything than his on the fly conversation with Henry. He also needs to tell her that today is definitely not the day to tell Henry about Neal. They’ve been working on that ever since they found out Emma was pregnant, and it was finally going to happen this afternoon. They had this whole plan, something researched and practiced and thought through, but if Henry’s struggling with a little jealousy, now is not the time for him to find out that Killian isn’t actually his father.

It’s never going to be easy, especially for Emma and Henry, but they have to do it. Henry deserves to know about Neal. Neal’s memory deserves to be honored through his son. It’s a difficult balance for him to not step on toes, to make sure that he does what’s right for Henry. He’s not his biological father. He never will be. But that’s their life, and biology doesn’t mean a damn thing to him when he loves this kid as much as anything.

But Henry should also get to know about his biology and all of the sacrifices and love that Neal made and gave for Henry and for their country in general.

He should know that his dad is a hero.

Just not today.

“Alright,” he sighs, handing Henry a bowl of mixed berries while he holds the eggs and his tea, “let’s go sit with Mum and make her feel better.”

Henry nods his head before running up the stairs, nearly dropping his bowl, but he catches himself and busts through their bedroom door, leaving the door wide open as Killian follows in behind him.

“Hey, kid,” Emma greets, sitting up a little bit and flipping the channel to something else, “what are you doing up?”

“Daddy and I made breakfast, but it’s not for you.”

“Really now? Why not?”

“You’re not hungry.” He climbs up onto the mattress and crawls over to Emma, sitting himself right in her side was she wraps her arm around his shoulder. It’s one of his favorite sights in the world, and it gets so much better by the curve of Emma’s stomach under her tank top. “So this is all for me and Daddy.”

“What did we just say about sharing?” He laughs, settling down on the bed as well.

“Oh yeah.” Henry looks from him to looking at Emma who’s got a soft smile on her face as one hand rests on her belly and the other hand messes with Henry’s hair. “My sister and I are going to be best friends like Daddy and Liam, and I’m going to teach her how to play soccer.”

“You are? Do you think she’ll be able to kick goals like you?”

“Maybe not as good as me.”

“She’ll need lots of practice,” Emma laughs. “Soon she’s going to be able to kick my belly, so I think she’s already trying to catch up to you.” “I have to go practice,” Henry gasps, moving to get out of the bed only for Emma to yank him back down and pull him further into his side.

“Not quite yet, kid. I want you to cuddle with me because I love you so much.” “I love you too,” Henry says as he squirms, finally settling into Emma’s side and resting his head against her shoulder. He’s just about to pick up his tea and try to find them something else to watch when Henry looks at him with this big cheesy grin on his face as he loudly whispers, “she does want to cuddle with me.” “I told you so,” he promises as he reaches over to grab Henry’s hand.

-/-

-/-

“I think you might be a bit biased,” she gushes, the sound of Ada faintly filtering through in the background.

“Well, I am rather in love with you.”

“You sentimental sap,” Emma laughs. “I love you too. Let me know when you guys are on the way home, okay?”

“I will.”

When the call ends, he takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down more. He needs to get a grip, to ground himself. Emma grounds him, her voice, her face. She steadies him when he’s the furthest thing from steady.

She’s…everything.

He’s overreacting. He has to be. Neal is allowed to live his own life. They’re encouraging him to live his own life, and that’s the thought process he maintains as he sits down in the lobby, completely forgetting about the fact that he needs to go get gas or respond to the rest of his emails. Instead of doing anything productive he sits in silence and watches as people move in and out of the building, the gentle closing of the glass doors followed by the click of heels on the tile, the sound only dying out when they get into the elevator.

That sound is what he focuses on, counting the steps it takes for different people to walk the same distance, and when he looks down at his phone and sees that it’s nearly six, he stands from his chair and makes his way back to the elevator bay, loading onto the cart with a woman and her children who are going to the same floor that he is. Henry is already waiting for him when he gets there, and the smile on his face calms him the slightest bit. He’s happy. That’s good. That means the session went well.

“Hey,” he waves, placing his hand on Henry’s back and guiding him out of the office. “Did you have a nice time? Anything you want to talk about with me?”

“Nope. I already told Dr. Hopper about how we can’t go to Disney World.”

“When your sister is older, kid,” he starts. “When your sister is older.”

Neal is waiting for them in the lobby when they get to the lobby again, his foot tapping against the floor, and even though he’s told himself to drop it, to drop all of the wild thoughts that are running through his mind, he can’t. Neal’s come back just in time for him to not know that he left.

Damn it.

If he had stayed in the lobby he could have seen him coming back.

What would he have said? Where the hell did you go? Why aren’t you in therapy? Is everything okay? Are you hiding something? What’s happening?

(He’s lost his mind and needs to get a grip.)

He could say all of those things. He could. he knows the words, knows how to speak, but none of them fall off of his tongue. He doesn’t want to be accusatory when there’s most likely nothing going on, and he’s going to continue operating that way until he knows for sure. There’s a tentative tightrope that they’re all walking on, and he’s not going to be the one to push them off of it because he’s lost his mind.

So he doesn’t say anything when they get in the car or when they stop and let Henry get a smoothie. He doesn’t say anything when they get home and help Henry do his homework, the two of them trying to explain fractions to him. He doesn’t say anything when they eat dinner, and he doesn’t say anything afterwards when they’re all watching TV while he does eventually finish up working on his emails. And he doesn’t say anything when Henry and Ada are put down to bed.

And he especially doesn’t say anything when he, Emma, and Neal sit down to talk about whether or not Neal is going to take the job in DC.

He is. He wants to do it. He’s determined to do it, to make a difference in the world now that he knows what it’s like to have a second chance at life. And when Emma very tentatively asks him what he wants to do about Henry, Neal tells them that while it’s not ideal, he’ll be happy to come home for every holiday that he can and every weekend that he can and that they don’t have to send Henry to DC by himself. He tells them that he doesn’t want Henry’s life to be disrupted any more than it’s already been. He tells them every single thing that a loving father who both wants to do good for his kid and good for himself would say.

And Killian is positive that he means it. Emma is even more so. She’s so good at reading others, her little superpower developed over years of careful use, and he’s got to trust that she’s able to use it with Neal. He knows that sometimes she can be wrong, but he’d bet that she’s right nearly every time.

He’d trust her over everything.

So while he’s calmed a bit over possibly losing Henry, over Henry being hurt at never seeing his dad (something he’s still worried about if he’s honest with himself), he can’t turn his mind off. He can’t make the thoughts stop, the theories cease from forming, the worries festering. And when they’re in bed and Emma starts trailing her lips up the cords of his neck, instead of melting against her touch, he pulls back, turning his body away from her.

“What’s wrong?” she asks quietly, her voice barely a whisper above the hum of the ceiling fan.

“Nothing, sweetheart,” he lies, twisting a bit so that he can see her face, see the worry in her eyes.

“Are you mad at me?”

How can he ever be mad at Emma when he’s mad at himself for thinking that Neal, this man they all love, isn’t telling the full truth? How could he ever be mad at Emma when he’s so mad at himself for nearly every thought he’s had today? How could he…how could he think something so absurd that would hurt everyone he knew if he ever said the words out loud?

How can he be thinking any of this?

“No,” he promises, reaching over to her and resting his thumb in the indent of her chin, making sure that she can see the seriousness in his gaze, “how could I ever be mad at you?”

[calpalirwin]

Evil Author Day #5

My parts of the (really long) brain child with @baldcalum. Maybe one day we’ll finish it. Who knows.

~Shay 

March 2020~

“Hey, Raz, turn on the radio station that’s downstairs,” I said, peeking my head in her office at 8:55 on the dot, just like I did every morning. 

“Why?” my business partner, roommate, and best friend asked me. I knew she had gotten here at 8 am on the dot, liking having the office to herself before the day started. I kept telling her to start coming in with me- New York was full of creeps and weirdos- but she was stubborn. And I couldn’t exactly argue with her, as I too, traveled to and from work by myself. No, we could handle ourselves just fine, thanks.

“5SOS interview today,” I told her simply as I shrugged off my jacket and draped it over my arm

“Oh, that’s today?” she asked, her eyes going wide in excitement. 

“Yep,” I grinned, before heading to my own office. We had been hoping to snag 5SOS as a client when we started our business 2 years ago. We had our- less than pleasant- opinions about their current management and thought we could be the change they needed in order for their band to go from punk kids out of Sydney to the talented rock band of grown men they actually were. After all, who better to understand the struggle to be taken seriously than 2 women with their own management company in the Big Apple?

As I leaned back in my desk chair, I let my mind take me back in time to when I had first met the woman in the office next door to mine.

~~~

~June 2015~

“Alright, so your big project for this class is a business plan. You will work in pairs of 2. There is a rubric online for you to follow, but the better thought out the plan, the better the grade. Any questions?”

I rolled my eyes and put up my hand. There was no way I wasn’t going to at least try and see if I could do this project myself. Anything to get out of dreaded partner/group work. “Yes?” The professor asked, and I couldn’t tell if she was looking at me or the girl next me to me, who also had her hand up. 

“Can we work alone?” we both asked at the same time. 

The professor looked at us both and smiled one of those smiles that made me curl my hand into a fist. I knew what was coming. “If you’re both so inclined to work alone, maybe you should partner up.”

I suppressed the sigh and accompanying eye roll as I turned in my seat to get a better look at my partner. If I had to guess I would’ve pegged her as a bright-eyed freshman straight out of high school, probably a fashion major from the way she was dressed. I suppressed yet another eye roll. Could you die from rolling your eyes too much? Eh, whatever. A business plan was child’s play to my own plans. If little fashionista wanted to prove herself with yet another clothing line, I’m sure I had some old shit lying around we could tweak up.

“Raz,” the girl whispered, a terra-cotta hand reaching out to shake my tawny one. 

“Shay,” I whispered back, shaking the offered hand, before turning back to pay attention to the same old first day lecture I’ve heard a thousand times before. 

“Hey, wait up!”

“What?” I said, my hand pushing my way out of the building, my foot sticking out to hold the door open for the voice behind me. 

“We should probably arrange something so we can meet and do this project,” Raz demanded, hands going to her hips. 

I made a face before gesturing at the building behind us. “It’s not like I’m hard to find.” Seriously, a 3 hour class that met 4 days a week? Why was I doing this to myself again? Because you broke up with your boyfriend and have nothing better to do? Shut up!

“Still though. I want a good grade on this assignment.”

“You and me both, kid. Relax, it’ll get done.”

“Kid?”

“Yeah. You’re like what? 12?”

“I’m 18, asshole.”

“My point exactly. Look, this isn’t my first business plan, alright? I know what they’re looking for on these assignments. Just tell me what you want so I can show you what I have next class, alright? Enjoy your day, kid,” I smirked before walking off. 

“Hey, where are you going?!”

I stopped in my tracks, wheeling to face the younger girl once more. “Work. God damn…” Then, I started walking again, calling out to her as I did so, “walk and talk, kid, walk and talk.”

“You work?” She fell into pace with me. 

“Yeah cuz that’s what adults do!” I said in an obnoxiously cheery voice. 

“Would you cut the crap, already? We’re like the same age.”

“False,” I corrected. “I’m a 21 year old with a minor in business. You’re an 18 year old freshman who’s about to get your world rocked when you finally realize that you're not special. You’re just a regular fish in the same boring ass pond as the rest of us.”

“So, what are you doing taking a business course if you already graduated?”

“Killing time until law school,” I shrugged.

“Oh, that’s cool. What do you do for work?”

“I’m an assistant at a law firm downtown. They offered me a job after my internship with them. Pays well and they work around my schooling.”

“And they let you dress like that?” she asked, eyeing my outfit of sneakers, jeans, a t-shirt, and a hat covering up my short hair.

“No, I’m going home to change first.”

“Oh, cool, I’m going to the dorms, too.”

“I don’t live in the dorms. I have an apartment. Law student, remember?”

“Oh, cool we can work there instead.”

This kid would not quit! I liked it. “Alright,” I said, pulling out my phone. “Put in your number. I’ll text you when I’m off work. And please, just put your name. No weird shit with emojis.”

“You better text me,” she muttered, putting in her number and handing me back my phone.

“I will, relax,” I told her, allowing myself to smile at her.

~~~

“Yeah, you know, we’re in our twenties now. Mike’s getting married. We’re growing up and we want our music to show that,” Ashton’s voice said through the radio. “We just want to be true to who we are both individually and as a band.”

I shut off my radio. This was it. My moment. “I’m going down there,” I said, poking my head in Raz’s office. 

“Relax, Shay. At least wait for the interview to be done.”

“Are you coming or not?” I asked, already making my way out of the office. 

“Alright, alright,” she said, getting up from her own desk and following me. “Shit, business cards!” she said, once we were in the elevator, a hand clapping around her pockets. 

“I got it,” I said, pulling a few out of my own pocket. 

“What would I do without you?” she smiled. 

“Playing ‘What If’ is a fool’s game,” I smiled back as the elevator doors opened.

“You ladies going down?” Luke Hemmings asked with a heavy accent. 

I shared a look with Raz before thanking whatever forces were behind this perfect timing. 

“Yeah,” I answered, keeping my voice steady as I stuck out my arm to hold the elevator. “C’mon,” I said as the 4 members of 5SOS crowded in around us. Small, one syllable words. Don’t fuck this up.

“Lobby or parking garage?” Raz asked them, a small squeak in her voice that was undetectable to the untrained ear. She was nervous. I was nervous. This was crazy! But we had learned to keep our wits about us long ago. Our nerves were undetectable to anybody but each other.

“Parking garage,” Calum Hood said, reaching a tanned and tattooed arm across her shoulder to hit the button. “Thanks, loves.”

“How was the interview?” I asked, trying not to freak out that I was in an elevator with my favorite band and that my arm was touching the arm of my favorite drummer from my favorite band.

“Good,” Calum, Luke, and Mike all answered.

“God, it sucked!” Ashton said, giving voice to what I imagined was closer to the truth than his bandmates polite response.. 

“What do you mean?” Raz pressed, while the men sucked their air through their teeth at their friend’s admission of the truth. 

“It’s the same old shit every time. We’re in our twenties. We’re not those high school dropouts anymore, and I wish they’d realize that.”

“You alluded to that,” I commented, glancing up at him.

“Yeah, and they blew past it to talk with Mike about his engagement.”

“Oh. Congrats, by the way,” I said over my shoulder to the shorter of the two tall blondes. 

“Thank you!” Mike smiled as the elevator dinged and opened. 

They all stepped out, and I followed on instinct. This was my chance. I was going to take it. “So, you’re tired of not being taken seriously?” I asked. 

“So tired,” Ashton said, his hazel-eyed gaze locking with my brown-eyed one.

“Well, here,” I said, pulling out the business cards and handing them each one. “If you’re serious about being taken seriously, give us a call,” I said, giving his arm a quick pat before stepping back on the elevator. “Enjoy New York!” I waved as the elevators closed. 

“That was your plan?!” Raz rounded on me. “Give us a call?! Shay!”

I tsked, holding up a finger. “Do you trust me?”

“Always, but Shay, we really should’ve planned this better.”

“Then trust me. When have I ever let you down?”

“Never.”

“Exactly. Trust the process, kid.”

We were stepping back into the office when the phone rang. 

The receptionist, a cute young thing named Maya, moved to answer, but I waved her off, moving to answer it myself. I picked up on the third ring. “C. S. Management, this is Shay.”

“Hey, I think we were just in the elevator together. You gave us your card?” Ashton’s voice said over the line. 

“May I ask who’s calling?” I asked, playing coy and professional as I switched the phone to speaker mode so Raz could listen in.

“Uh, it’s Ash. Look, we’re gonna go talk this over, but we wanna hear what you and your company has to say. Can we arrange something?”

I looked at Raz, raising an eyebrow. 

She raised 2 fingers at me. 

“We have an opening at 2 if that works for you gentlemen,” I said, putting power behind the word “gentlemen” purposefully.

“2… 2 sounds perfect. We’ll be there.”

“We’ll be here,” I told him back.

~Ashton

March 2020~

~Before the meeting~

I looked at the business card in my hand the woman with shining brown eyes behind large glasses had given me, watching her slink off back into the elevator, her heels clicking with purpose. I swear I saw her wink at me as she waved and called out “Enjoy New York!”

“Ash? Ash! ASHTON!”

“What?”

“What the fuck are we gonna do with this?” Calum asked, looking at the business card in his own hand.

I shrugged. “I dunno. We’re still in a contract. But…” But, what? But the way her voice had sounded when she said the word “serious”, almost like she knew we were sick of being jerked around, like she was offering us a way out, not a way to promote her own business.

“He’s gonna call her. Oh, God, he’s gonna call her!” Calum said, his hands going to his head as he spun in a circle.

“Hey!” I snapped. “Are you happy with our management still trying to pass us off as the teenage boy band? Cuz I’m not. That wasn’t the image we wanted.”

“Mate, maybe slow down?” Luke said.

“Luke, you hate this band more than anybody,” Mike laughed. “I’m with Ash. We can at least see what they gotta say, right?”

“Thanks, Mike,” I grinned at him, pulling out my phone and dialing the number on the card.

It rang once, twice, three times. “C.S Management, this is Shay,” her voice chirped professionally over the line. Oh, I bet she was feeling pretty damn proud of herself right about now.

“Hey, I think we were just in the elevator together. You gave us your card?” I answered.

“May I ask who’s calling?” she asked.

I held back a giggle. Damn, she was good. “Uh, it’s Ash. Look, we’re gonna go talk this over, but we wanna hear what you and your company has to say. Can we arrange something?”

There was a short pause, then “We have an opening at 2 if that works for you gentlemen.”

I smirked at the way she said “gentlemen” rather than “boys” like everyone else usually referred to us as. “2…” I looked around at the other 3 who all shrugged, “2 sounds perfect. We’ll be there.”

“We’ll be here,” she chirped back before hanging up the line.

~After the meeting~

I twirled the business card between my fingers. Back and forth and back again, I twirled the card, their logo spinning with my movements. “Oh, just call her!” Luke said, giving me a shove.

“What?” I asked, snapping to attention.

“Shay! Just call her, mate.”

“No. That’s unprofessional, Luke. Her company just offered us a new start. She might be our boss. I can’t just call her.”

“I’m with Ash. Don’t call her. Just drop the whole thing, please?” Calum put in. “Don’t let this stupid crush fuck this up for us.”

“Hey, Ash, can I see your phone?” Mike asked suddenly.

“Why?” I asked skeptically.

“Mine’s dead. Gotta call Crystal.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure.” I dug my phone out, unlocking it for him before handing it over.

“Sweet, thanks,” he said before typing something. “And send. Thanks, mate!” he said again, tossing me my phone.

“Mike, what did you just do?” I asked.

“What you were too scared to do yourself.”

“Michael!” my voice thundered as I got up to get in his face. “That was unprofessional on so many levels!”

“No, you said calling would be unprofessional. I texted. Big difference.”

“That’s not any better!”

My phone pinged in my hand.

“A ‘thank you’ would be fine, mate,” Mike winked as he put a hand on my shoulder.

“How about you’re lucky I don’t kick your ass?” I muttered, looking down at the notification. I clicked it open as I walked to my bedroom in our suite.

Hey, it’s Ash. Coffee?

Little late for coffee isn’t it?

Ha-ha, sorry. That was Mike.

Oh… so that’s a no on coffee then?

Didn’t you just say it was too late for coffee?

Oh, I meant for me. But… if you’re getting coffee… I can keep you company? NY's a dangerous place for a man to be out by himself.

I laughed as my phone pinged again with an address and the simple instruction of: Meet me here in 30 minutes.

I’ll be there.

~~~

I did a double-take when I walked in the small cafe and saw Shay. She was dressed completely different from her black slacks, black heels, and white blouse she had been wearing at our meeting. In their place were blue jeans, a plain navy blue t-shirt underneath a thin cardigan, sneakers, and a hat- that she was wearing backwards- covered up her short and chic half bob. Professional woman to 90s skater chick in the blink of an eye. Damn, was there anything she couldn’t do?

“Hey,” she greeted, patting the empty seat next to her.

“Hey,” I greeted back, taking the offered seat. “You look… comfy.”

She laughed. It was both light and full of life, much like the owner. “Gotta blend in, y’know?” she laughed again. “Should we?” she asked, her gaze shifting.

I followed her gaze to the counter. Right. Coffee. Focus, Ash. “Yeah,” I smiled.

We approached the counter. “Hey, Ty,” she said to the barista.

“Shay, finally gonna order?” he teased her.

“I was waiting for a friend,” she joked back with him.

The man eyed me before giving her a look. “Hot or cold today, babes?”

She brought a finger to her lips in thought, her gaze flickering out the window. “Let’s do cold today.”

“And for your friend?” he asked with a pointed glance at me.

“Uh, I’ll have a medium iced caramel macchiato, please,” I said.

“Coming right up,” he said before giving us the total.

Both of us reached for our wallets. “Oh, I got it,” Shay told me, waving her hand at me.

“Nah, I asked. My treat,” I told her, inserting my card into the chip reader before she could protest.

“Technically Mike asked,” she giggled. “But, thank you.”

“Here ya go, Shay,” a different barista said, placing two identical drinks on the counter.

“Thanks, Maddie,” she smiled, grabbing the cups and handing me one. She gave her cup a swirl before taking a sip, eyes closing in a state of bliss.

“I thought you said it was too late for coffee,” I teased her as we made our way back to our seats.

“Feeling a little wild today,” she responded.

Good. I was too. She gave her drink another swirl, and I caught a glimpse of the tattoo on her wrist I had noticed earlier on at the meeting. I hadn’t wanted to ask her about it then, but now seemed like a good time to ask. “What’s that on your wrist?”

“Oh, it’s a dreamcatcher,” she told me, offering me her arm so I could take a better look.

It was simple line work etched into her slightly sun-kissed skin. “Wow, that’s nice. Is it your only one?”

She gave a shake of her head. “Nope, I got some birds on my shoulder. Another simple linework piece. I like the minimalistic look of it.” She tapped her shoulder to show where the other tattoo was hiding. “Then I have another tattoo on my ankle,” she added with a giggle.

My hand went up to rub at my own bird tattoo on my neck. “That’s cool,” I smiled at her. “Do they mean anything, or are they just because?”

“Bit of both. They were both graduation presents to myself. The dreamcatcher’s a heritage piece. The birds are just symbolic in a way.”

“Shannon’s an Irish name though, isn’t it?”

“It is. I’m only half-Irish, though. Then part Native American, hence the dreamcatcher. And a bunch of other things thrown in for good measure.”

Half-Irish girl meets half-Irish boy, both with bird tattoos and a liking for caramel macchiatos. What were the odds? “And the one on your ankle?” I pressed, curious about the giggle she had associated with it.

“A newer piece,” she giggled with a blush. “It’s… uh… well, let’s just say I’ve been a fan of your band for a while,” she concluded, reaching out to tap my tally tattoo on my wrist. 

My teeth bit into my lower lip. Bird tattoos and actual matching tally tattoos? Damn… “A fan, huh?”

“I’m into drummers,” she shrugged with a playful smirk. “But yeah. Been a fan for a while. Still a little starstruck if I’m being totally honest.”

I would have never guessed that I made her nervous. She was so… level-headed. “You saying that I make you nervous?” I asked, a flirting edge in my voice. 

She gave a small chuckle. “Nobody makes me nervous. But yes. A little. You’re well-spoken. You’re talented. You’re cute…” her voice trailed off as she ticked away my traits on her fingers. 

“Cute, huh?” I asked, leaning forward and biting my lip again. 

“Just an observation,” she shrugged. Then, “So, did you have questions about the meeting? I know it was a lot thrown at you all at once. I always think of my questions after the fact, too.”

“What?” I asked, blinking slowly and sitting back in my seat, wondering how she had switched from flirty to professional so quick. “Oh! No, I just… wanted to take you out for coffee.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrows quirked up as she took a sip of her drink.

“Yeah, as a thank you.”

“Sure…” she said.

“Alright,” I giggled. “So, I might also think you’re cute. And I might like you a little bit.”

“I might like you a little bit, back.”

I leaned forward towards her. “Oh, do you?”

She leaned forward herself, the light bouncing off her glasses, making her brown eyes shine a billion different shades of melted chocolate. “It’s unprofessional,” she whispered, leaning back and crossing her arms, closing herself off to the idea.

“It is,” I agreed with a huff.

“I mean, you might be my client. I might be your boss.”

“But, I’m not your client yet. We haven’t agreed to anything,” I countered.

“Are you saying you won’t be taking us on our more than generous offer?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Shouldn’t you talk with your bandmates about this? I should really be consulting with Raz… This is…”

“Unprofessional. I know.”

“Very,” she agreed with a nod.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Start dating me before I become your client.”

“What? Fletch, I can’t just… people will… I hardly know you!”

“Bullshit!” I giggled, my head reeling at her calling me “Fletch” as no one had ever called me that before. I liked the way it sounded coming off her lips, the way her front teeth nipped at her lower lip and her tongue poked out of her mouth. “You’re gonna sit there and tell me you being in the elevator at the same time our interview ended was pure coincidence? Little Miss Fan?”

She ducked her head, a blush forming on her cheeks. “No… and I’m not little. I’m 7 months older than you, actually.”

“We both just admitted to liking each other. What’s the problem?”

“People will talk.”

“People do little else.”

“You don’t know me!”

“You do know how dating works, right?” I giggled.

“This is insane…”

“Look, there’s no real moral issue here. I’m not your client yet. And when I am, it’s really my band that’s your client, not me individually.”

“Why do you want to date me anyway?”

“Because you’re the first one to take me seriously. Because of a million reasons I can’t wait to discover.”

“This is insane…” she repeated.

“Definitely,” I agreed. Then, I leaned forward and kissed her. It was soft, then it grew as she kissed me back. Her hands came up to cup my face as one of mine came to rest at the base of her neck, pulling her closer to me. All I knew in that moment was that I would never again be able to kiss a woman and not wish it was her. It was animalistic, the way I needed her. I didn’t know why. I just knew I needed more. And something in the way she kissed me back let me know she was feeling the same way.

~Shay~

“There you are,” Raz said with an eye roll when I finally breezed into our apartment. 

I glanced down at my phone. 9:17 pm. Whoops… “Must’ve lost track of time,” I shrugged. 

Her eyes narrowed as she looked at me. “Oh, for fucks sake, Shay! You kissed hi,m didn’t you?!”

I brought a finger gingerly to my lips. I could still feel his on mine, the way his teeth had nipped at my lip, the way his breathing had caught in his throat. “Maybe…” I grinned. 

“God damn it, Shay!” she started. 

I held up a finger. “I know! Okay? I know. Unprofessional. 100 percent. But damn, can you blame me?”

She rolled her eyes, but “He is a babe. They all are.”

“Oh yeah,” I agreed. “And we figured it out.”

“We? Figured out? Oh, God, Shay. What did you do?”

“Remember how you’re always telling me to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Well, let’s just say I finally listened.”

“Shay!”

“I know! I know how this looks. We both do. But, look, there’s no real issue here. He’s not actually our client yet. And even when he does become our client, it’s his band, not him. And people are gonna talk their shit anyway. And need I remind you, it’s Ashton fuckin Irwin!”

Her eyes narrowed again as she thought it over. Then, “I hate you. This is a bad idea.”

I rolled my eyes. Maybe the bubble of anger I felt rising up inside of me was because she was giving voice to the own doubts I had in my head. Maybe I found her “holier than thou” act a little off putting because I know she had a thing for one of our actual clients. Maybe, because for the first time in 5 fucking years I had put myself out there to go on a date, with a hell of a guy who actually liked me back, and now my best fucking friend was shitting all over that happiness just because it may or not be a conflict of interest. I didn’t need her on the side of the critics and the skeptics. I needed her on my side. Maybe it was a combination of all of the above. But either way, my temper flared and I was going to let it fly. “You know what? Fuck you,” I said, keeping my voice level but throwing as much venom in my words as I could. 

Her eyes widened for a bit at my sharp words, but then they narrowed and I knew she was about to fight back. “Fuck me? Really Shay? This is unprofessional and you know it. People are going to think you’re using him to get the band.”

“I’m not you, Raz!” I shouted, knowing I was hitting low, but too pissed off to stop myself from doing it. “I don’t flirt with everything that’s got a fuckin’ pulse!”

“Fuck you!” she practically spat at me, her own words fierce, but I saw the quiver in her lip. 

I laughed. A harsh, humorless sound. “Yeah. Fuck me,” I said with an eye roll before heading down the hall to my room. 

“Where the fuck are you going?!” her voice called out. 

“The fuck do you care?” I asked, reappearing with a thicker jacket and a beanie in replacement for my hat. 

“Shay! SHAY!” she yelled as I slammed the door behind me. 

I jogged my way down the stairs, praying she wouldn’t follow me, and ignoring the nagging voice that taunted me. Shay, how long are you gonna run from your problems? Shut up! I don’t run from anything! And just what the hell are you doing right now, Shay? I said shut up!

The phone was ringing by the time I hit the ground floor. The line picked up by the time I pushed my way out of the building. Funnily enough, I couldn’t even remember taking my phone out of my pocket. “Hey, Shay,” he answered, and I could hear his smile. God, how I found security in him so fast was fucking mind-blowing. 

“Hey,” I replied, my voice sounding tired and on the verge of a breakdown. 

“Uh-oh, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m fine,” I lied. 

“Where are you? Are you home?” I could hear him moving around in his room, his voice holding a slight trace of panic. 

I smiled despite the hurricane of emotions raging in my chest. He was worried about me. I didn’t realize how much I had missed having a potentially romantic partner being able to read me so well. And so soon? Add intuitive to the growing list of things that made me adore that man. God, he was sweet. Why couldn’t Raz see that? Why couldn’t she be happy I found a nice guy? “No,” I answered. “I… uh…” Where was I going? “I need to clear my head.”

“Shay, it’s dark out. Go home, please. Or tell me where you are so I can come get you.”

“Central Park, 5 minutes,” I told him. 

“Central Park, 5 minutes,” he repeated. “I’ll see you soon.”

“See you soon, Fletch.”

I hung up and let my mind wander as I walked, my hands burrowing into the pockets of my jacket. Back home wearing a leather jacket in March, even at night, would have made me sweat. I would never get used to the biting New York cold. But I’d be damned if I went back to LA looking like this. Me this morning? Sure. Shay from this morning could roll up to LA and brag about how great her life had become. But Shay right now? No, I couldn’t go home the same insecure wreck I was when I left. I needed to pull it together.

~~~

~December 2017~

A knock sounded on my apartment. “It’s open,” I called out, too lazy to get up and actually answer. I didn’t know why Raz was knocking. She had a key. 

“Honestly, Shay, you shouldn’t leave your door unlocked like that,” Raz tsked as the door shut behind her and she flopped down next to me on the couch. 

“Honestly, Raz,” I joked back, “you should just ditch your dorm room and move in with me already. You’re here all the time anyway.” At two and a half years of knowing each other Raz had become my very best friend. She made the ache of missing home a lot more bearable. 

“What and give up my freedom?” she scoffed. “Yeah, right.”

I shrugged. “We’re graduating next semester. Where you gonna go, Raz?”

“Where are you gonna go?” she countered, referring to my career options, not my living situation. 

“Somewhere we can both be free,” I answered, spreading my arms across the back of my couch. 

~~~

“Shay?” Ashton’s voice laced with concern startled me out of my thoughts. 

“Hey, Fletch,” I answered with a small smile. 

“Are you okay?”

I shrugged.

“Shay, what’s wrong?”

“Everything,” I breathed, scared if I said anymore I would shatter. I didn’t want to shatter in front of him. I didn’t want him to see me vulnerable. But something in his voice made me think it would be okay if I did.

He wrapped me tightly into a hug and I breathed in him in. I wasn’t the biggest fan of cologne, but I could get used to liking his citrusy scent. Just like I could get used to the way his strong arms held me tight, his heartbeat hammering in my ear, his breaths as steady and solid as he was. “C’mon,” he murmured, leading us to a nearby bench. “What’s wrong?”

“Something’s gotta be wrong for me to enjoy Central Park at night with a cute boy?” I added with a small chuckle.

He frowned.

“Sorry. Not boy. Man,” I amended with another chuckle.

The frown deepened. “You just said everything was wrong. And now nothing’s wrong? Shay… what’s going on?”

I sighed. “I really don’t want to be vulnerable with you right now.”

“What do you want?”

“For this to be easy. To just be able to like someone without people thinking there are bigger things at play.”

“Who’s thinking bigger things are at play? Shay, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I like you. Not as lawyer Shay trying to close a deal. But as Shay Shay. Just a woman with a hopeless crush on a man that the rest of the world is going to blow way out of proportion.”

“It’s not hopeless,” he said, his eyes a pool of swirling honey underneath the streetlights, his breath hot against my face as he pulled me in for a kiss. I wished for time to stop as I melted into him, letting his kiss glue all the pieces together before they could fall.

~~~

“Morning, Maya,” I greeted as I strolled into the office the next morning.

“Morning, Shay.”

“Did you manage to hunt down 5SOS’ current contract agreement?” I asked. I had asked her yesterday before the meeting, but I wasn’t sure if she had gotten around to it as she got busy pleasing her other boss.

“No, Shay,” she fumbled. “Sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I smiled at her. I’d have my assistant Alejandro track it down when he got in.

“Raz, ready to rock the world?” I greeted, poking my head in her office. I was back to being my chipper self, ready to put our lover’s quarrel behind me if she was. Neither one of us had apologized. But that was the beauty of our friendship. At the end of the day it didn’t matter what was said, because we had each others backs no matter what. But does she Shay? The nagging voice asked. What if is a fool’s game, I answered back fiercely.

“Yep! I’m working with Waterparks today. Can you send me the schedule you worked out for them?”

“Check your email, Raz,” I winked. I was damn good at my job. The schedule was already on there. “I’ll be working on drafting a contract for 5SOS. So, I’ll hold down the fort. Keep a good eye on those Waterpark guys, and try not to drool over the green-haired one so much,” I smirked.

“Awsten is a babe, Mrs. Irwin,” she teased me back.

“Oh, hush!” I laughed, walking to my office, smiling to myself. Good, if she was teasing it meant she was being civil about the idea, if not completely accepting. That was fine. I didn’t need acceptance. Well… No, civil was fine. Civil was good. Acceptance could and would come later, I was sure of it. “Oh, Ale,” I said, my eyes locking in on the tall law student striding my way.

“Morning, Shay,” Alejandro greeted me. Alejandro Juarez was a Puerto Rican lad in his first year of law school. The law firm I worked at in my college days had him as an intern and contacted me when they said the young man was interested in working more directly with a lawyer, rather than doing the equivalent of paper pushing. That had been 3 months into Raz and I starting our business and I was desperate for help. And one look at the ambitious man and I was hooked. I had even written his recommendation for his law school application and attended his graduation from his undergrad program last May. His drive and positive attitude had made him essential and I had come to think of him as a little brother.

“How long do I have you today?”

“I have class at 2:30. So 1?”

“That’s fine. I remember the rigor very well myself. I have a small task for you. Think you can handle it?”

“I can do my best.”

“I need you to track down 5SOS’s current contract for me.”

“Shay, they’re not in our system.”

“I know. They have an LA team managing them right now. I need to see what it entails. And I need you to get it for me.”

“How?”

“Mmm… lie. Say it’s for school, Ale,” I told him, placing my hand on his chest. “You’re a smart man, I believe in you.”

“I’ll do my best,” he told me, swallowing.

“You always do,” I smiled brightly at him. I loved how being a powerful woman felt. “I’ll be in the office if you need me. And don’t bother Raz, she’ll be with a client until further notice.”

“Should I let Eloise know?” he asked, referring to Raz’s assistant.

“Eloise should already know, Ale. Contract, please and thank you.”

“Coming right up.”

I turned to go into my office when my phone rang. “This is Shay,” I answered, stepping into my office and shutting my door.

“Hey, babes,” Ashton’s voice sounded over the line.

My heart fluttered at the pet name. I could definitely get used to that.“Oh, hey Fletch. What’s up?”

“Nothing, just wanted to hear your voice.”

I smiled as I sat down at my desk and pulled up a blank document. “Aw, you’re sweet.” But there was something in his voice that seemed… off? “Is something wrong?”

“No.”

“Fletch,” I started. “I know we have our walls. I’m extremely appreciative that you’re patient with me while I figure out what is too much to share with you too soon. I’m extending you that same respect. But, please. I can hear in your voice that something’s off.”

“You can?” came the incredulous reply.

“You’re very expressive,” I admitted. “Please. Talk to me. That’s the only way we’re gonna figure this whole mess out.”

“Something’s gotta be wrong with me to enjoy a phone call with my girlfriend?” came the teasing tone as he used my own words against me.

I smiled. “What’s going on Fletch? You don’t have to be vulnerable and lay out your life story just yet. But c’mon, give me a little something.”

He chuckled, then sighed. I could picture his brows furrowing together and his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. “It’s Cal. I don’t think he’s on board with the whole us dating thing. I think he thinks you’re seducing me to get us as a client. You know, like you said everyone would think. I think I was too swept up in the moment to realize the deeper implications of what you were trying to get me to understand. But, I see it now. And from Cal, it’s… Fuck, I dunno what to do here.”

“Neither do I,” I confessed.

“Can I ask you a question without you getting offended?”

“Of course,” I nodded.

“Are you using me to get my band to sign with your company?”

“No,” I promised. “Look, this is nothing but a huge coincidence. I’m just as afraid of this going badly as you probably are. I’ve been hurt before, and I certainly don’t want to re-experience that pain. But, I’m also a professional. Whatever happens between me and you is between me and you. It has no effect on my company’s desire to take your band on as a client, I can promise you that much now. It’s two totally separate things that just look related.” As I spoke I became less sure of who I was reassuring: him, Cal, Raz, or myself. “Shay the lawyer would love to sign your band, yes. But, Shay the woman just wants you.”

He let out a small chuckle and I could picture his dimples. Man, my boyfriend was such a babe. And damn that sounded good. Ashton Irwin, my boyfriend. Shay Gibson, Ashton Irwin’s girlfriend. I got chills just thinking about it. “Alright. So, what is my gorgeous girlfriend up to?”

“She is smart, not gorgeous. And she is working, so she needs to go. I’ll text when I go for lunch, okay?”

“She is smart and gorgeous. And I hope she doesn’t work too hard.”

“Me? Never,” I laughed. Working hard was the only way I knew how to work. “Bye, Fletch.”

“Bye, babes.”

We hung up and I stretched my hands out in front of me, cracking them as I did so. Then, I set to work, outlining a foolproof contract for our potential new client. My intent was to ensure that they would have full creative control of what they did and how, the same we promised every client we had. It was part of why we were so successful. Our motto was after all “Let art speak for itself, because to tamper is to diminish.” But, I still needed my hands on their current contract to see what they were currently being offered. We didn’t want to give them what they already had. We wanted better.

When I had a basic draft, I moved on to checking schedules. I knew 5SOS’s current management had a North American tour planned for the band to go on after their sad 2 month stint in Europe that was 1.) not long enough and 2.) had upset a lot of fans by the reckless skipping around. I needed to have something in the works to help sweeten the deal. And thankfully, I already had a rock band that we were sending off on a world tour of their that was set to start next March and carrying them into November, both for their benefit and to the benefit of one of our up-and-coming duos- a sweet brother-sister act with the voice of angels and attitude to boot. “Eloise?” I asked after I hit the button on my phone to buzz Raz’s assistant.

“Yes, Shay?”

“Is Raz busy currently?”

“Uh… yes. She’s in with Waterparks in the conference room.”

“Thank you, El,” I said. Perfect. Both of them in the same spot.

“Oh! Shay, they just sent over the contract. Would you prefer a hard copy?” Alejandro asked as I walked out of my office.

“Ale, you’re the best!” Today was going fan-fuckin-tastic and I loved it. “Can I get 6 copies, please?”

“Sure thing, Shay.”

“And email the pdf of it anyway,” I added as an afterthought. Better to have too many copies than not enough.

“Already did.”

“Thank you, Ale. Get me those copies, and you can cut out early if you like,” I told him. I knew he would appreciate the time to relax or get in some last minute studying before dashing off to the crazy world that was first year law school.

“Thanks Shay!”

I rapped on the conference room door before I entered. “And here’s Miss Gibson now,” Raz said, glancing up at me. “Impeccable timing.”

“Hey,” I greeted. “I take it Raz showed you gentlemen your tour schedule?” While Raz liked to up her professionality by referring to everyone as Miss or Mr in the office, I brought in the friendlier side by opting to stick with first names or nicknames. It was a perfect balance; the way we liked to run our business. The only time Raz slipped from that professional demeanor in the office was one-on-one. The only time I slipped into that formality myself was when I was mad. It was a simple unspoken norm in the office that “Miss Toliver referring to you by your first name is fine, but if Shay uses your last name, you better run.”

“Yeah, we’re looking it over now. 8 months, huh?”

“Make sure those passports are up to date,” I told them, then “It’s what you wanted, right? To be as accessible as possible? There’s no interviews scheduled during that time. Just shows and meet and greets.”

“This is perfect!” they told me.

“Did Raz also show you the interview schedule. It’s a little less than a year away so we got plenty of prep time. It’ll be a very busy week, but short so you can rest up before the tour.”

“Yeah, it all looks so great.”

“Awesome. And I actually had a question for you all.”

“Uh-oh, you have that look,” Raz said, crossing her arms. “What crazy idea do you have now?”

“How would you feel if you co-headlined with 5SOS?” I asked, a smile on my lips.

“5SOS? Hell yeah! Is that one band still opening for us?”

“Yes, Lucky Mess will still be opening,” I assured them.

“But, don’t get your hopes up about 5SOS,” Raz warned them, and me. “We’re optimistic. But no promises.”

“Nah, this is great. Can we make the tour name Punk Rarities Tour?”

“I like where your mind’s at,” I smiled again.

Raz rolled her eyes, “Anyway!”

I chuckled to myself as I walked back to my office. Time to focus my attention on the contract. Everything was lining up perfectly, now I just needed to stick the landing.

“Everything’s on your desk, Shay. It’s still early, though. Are you sure you don’t need me to stay?” Alejandro told me.

“Is your test today?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. I knew everything about my staff. It was a habit I picked up in my years at the law firm. If you knew everything going on, nothing snuck up on you. And I wasn’t in the business of unexpected surprises. I may have created a reputation of being impulsive, but that was because everybody only heard what flew from my lips. What they missed was how my brain was already 3 steps ahead of the game.

“It is!” he smiled, pleased I remembered.

“Then, I’ll manage.”

“Thank you!”

“Give ‘em hell, kid,” I smiled before shutting myself in my office once more. Alright. Let’s see what type of shithole mess 5SOS is in, I thought to myself as I took in the stack of contracts neatly piled on my desk, an email notification on my browser showing the message from Alejandro that held a pdf version of the papers in front of me.

I took a quick glance at the time. 10:30. Wow, it was early. Perfect.

I picked up one of the contracts, giving it a quick glance. Looked pretty standard. Creative control, plenty of touring and promos before tours. I clicked my tongue. Damn, c’mon, I needed to strike gold here. Aha! My eyes glanced at a section titled: Relationships. “Oh this is great,” I said out loud as I learned that while they were free to flirt and sleep around, girlfriends-emphasis on girl, oof fuckin’ homophobes in LA? Alright- needed to be “approved.” I snorted. “Good, God. That certainly explains a lot…”

I was about to continue my digging when my desk phone buzzed. “Yes Maya?” I asked, hitting the button to connect me with the front desk.

“Shay, a Calum Hood is here to see you?”

I pulled a face. Of fucking course he was. First Raz, now Calum. I was beginning to wonder what our best friends were more concerned with- protecting Ashton and I from potential heartache, or protecting their own image. Frankly, I didn’t care. Ashton and I were grown ups capable of making our own decisions and we didn’t need anyone’s approval. So why was I letting this cut deep the way it was? Because all you ever wanted was to be accepted, my brain supplied. I let out a breath to steady myself. “I’ll be right there,” I answered, getting up.

“Calum,” I greeted, opting for the middle ground by not calling him by the nickname I had picked out for him, but also keeping my temper in check. For now. “Glad of you to drop by. Can I get you anything to drink?”

“No, this’ll be quick,” he told me, his brown eyed gaze heavy as it locked on mine.

“Please, right this way,” I said, leading him back to my office. “So, what can I help you with?” I asked him, gesturing to one of the chairs I had in my office.

“You need to stop,” he told me. It was direct and simple. A demand. He remained standing, rather than taking a seat. A power move. Time to show Calum Hood just who the fuck he thought he was fucking with.

“I’m sorry?” I blinked, meeting his gaze and holding it steady. Keep it cool. Play it dumb.

“With Ash. Stop it. Whatever this thing is. End it. Now.” Again, the words were direct. No malice. No begging. As simple as asking someone to pass him the salt.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re getting at.”

“What’s your angle here?” he demanded, his brown eyes hardening, his arms crossing. Now came the malice. Game on.

“I don’t have an angle, Mr. Hood,” I told him, keeping my arms down at my side, our eyes still locked.

He scoffed, dropping his gaze. “Bullshit.”

“Is that so?” I asked, continuing to remain cool and level-headed. No way I was going to get lectured by Calum “love is a scam” Hood. I turned my computer screen and thrust a copy of his current contract in his hand. “I take my job very seriously, Mr. Hood. When we said we could do better, we meant it.”

“This is my current contract,” he scoffed again, shaking the document in his hand at me.

“And this,” I gestured at the computer, “is my offer. Giving your band total control in every aspect of your lives. We want to represent 5SOS, Mr. Hood, not the other way around. There’s no ulterior motive here at play. This is my offer. Take it or walk, I don’t really care. But this ‘thing’ as you so lovingly called it I have with Ashton? That’s personal, and frankly none of your concern.”

His eyes squinted as he stepped forward to look at my computer screen.

“Oh, and I already have a tour lined up for 5SOS with Waterparks. Co-headliners with a small opening act. You each get a 75 minute set. Better get started on that setlist,” I told him, dual-screening my computer so he could see the tour dates. “There’s also a week long press tour of sorts. Just interviews around here to generate buzz.”

“These are a year out. What if you and Ash break up?” he asked, finally getting to the point. His eyes still had a hard edge to them, when they locked back on mine, but it wasn’t as stoney as before. This was worry. He cared about his friend, that much was obvious. I would admire it more if it wasn’t at my expense.

“What if we don’t?” I countered. Then, “Don’t answer that. The answer is the same either way. Nothing happens. I’m a professional. If my company represents your band, then my company represents your band. Plain and simple. Your account will most likely get passed to an associate anyhow. There’s no real conflict in interest, here, only the imagined one you, and I assume the rest of the world, want to see.”

While his eyes showed him weakening in his stoic stance, he still had fight left in him. “You’d rather risk losing us as a potential client, than break things off with Ash.”

I shrugged. “I have other clients, Calum. Waterparks is already preparing to headline the Punk Rarities Tour by themselves. The only loss here is your band’s. Seems a bit selfish of you to keep them from what is an amazing offer just because you have your own reservations. But, that’s neither here nor there. Point is, I’m not walking away from my relationship with Ashton. I’m serious about your band, and I’m serious about him.”

“You barely know him!”

His temper flare, brought out my irritated professionalism again. Damn, just as I was back to the middle ground. What a shame. “Yes, I do believe that’s why they call it ‘dating,’ Mr. Hood. You should try it sometime. Too bad your current contract is a bit… hmm, let’s use the term  ‘restrictive’ in that area. If only there was a management company that didn’t give a damn who you choose to associate yourself with. Oh… wait, that would be this company, now wouldn’t it?”

“This is stupid, you know that right? The rumors this is gonna cause when your relationship gets outted? It’s gonna be a total shitshow. Are you prepared for that?”

I narrowed my eyes at him with his nasty snarl that seemed out of place on a man so pretty. “Nobody’s holding a gun to your head, Mr. Hood. You and your band are free to walk away from my offer. So what are you really scared of here? Scared that I might break your friend’s heart? Or scared that my company can and will do better for you and your band?”

“I’m not scared of anything,” was the cold reply.

“Could’ve fooled me,” I replied, just as cooly. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, Mr. Hood, I have work to do.”

“This isn’t over,” he huffed, stalking out of my office.

“Merely the beginning,” I said to his retreating back.

~Ashton~

“Cal, how could you?!” I rounded on my friend when he came back to the hotel from his morning “walk.” “I really like her! You could’ve fucked everything up for me!”

“More than you could’ve fucked this up for all of us over a stupid crush?!” he yelled back.

“She’s not like that!”

“How do you know?! You’ve known her for what? 24 hours?! How do you know she’s not seducing you to sign us?!”

“I just do, okay?!” His sullenness was already making my stomach churn, but his outright hostility was taking it too far. If he wanted to blame someone, he should be blaming Mike for sending the text in the first place. But no. Instead he stormed into my girlfriend’s office and raised hell. But yeah, me and her were the unprofessional ones. Sure. That was fair… I was about to continue tearing into him, but all our phones pinging had me stopping in my tracks.

I opened the email on my phone. It had 3 attachments and a simple message: 

Dear 5SOS,

Meet me at 2pm today to discuss the attached files. No excuses. I know you’re still in town.

Shay Gibson

Head of Legal Department

C.S Management

~~~

“Shay, 5SOS is here to see you,” the receptionist said into the phone.

“Thank you, Maya, I’ll be right there,” Shay’s voice said through the speaker. Then, she was in front of us, the epitome of professional in a grey blazer covering a flowery blouse, fitted skinny black slacks showing off her small curves, her black heels clicking along the floor. “Ashton, Luke, Mike, Mr. Hood, good to see you all again,” she greeted, her voice holding a small edge to it. “If you’ll follow me, please,” she continued, turning and leading us into the same conference room we were in yesterday, where 2 folders were placed in front of each of the 5 seats. “So, blue folder is your current contract with your current management system. Red is C. S. Management’s contract. I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting key differences in each contract so you know exactly what’s different. Basically, I’m keeping what I liked and tweaking what should have been tweaked the day you stopped touring with One Direction. Also in red folder you’ll find the Punk Rarities Tour which you will have a 75 minute set as co-headliners with Waterparks and Lucky Mess as your opening act. I highly suggest you make sure your passports are up to date, and that you don’t lose them, Mike.” Her eyes danced playfully behind her black frames as her gaze shifted to the shorter of the blondes who looked down sheepishly. 

“How did she know?” Mike whispered. 

“I know everything,” she whispered back with a wink. “Now, as I was telling Mr. Hood this morning, there is also a week long interview press tour of sorts before the actual world tour takes place.” It was the second time she had referred to Calum as “Mr. Hood” and I knew she was doing it on purpose. Being friendly with us and cold with him. I smirked to myself. It wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it.

“This is great and all but 1.) we’re still in a contract and 2.) where’s Miss Toliver?” Luke asked. 

“Oh, see you are smart! Luke, your contract with C. S. Management takes effect the second your current contract ends. You and your bandmates just need to sign it of course, and not sign a new one with your current company. That leaves plenty of time for any amendments and revisions to make sure this contract is exactly what every single one of you wants. As for my business partner, she‘ll take a more hands-on approach once 5SOS becomes a client. I just handle contracts and scheduling.”

“This tour looks long…” Mike said. 

“It is,” Shay agreed. “Waterparks wanted to make themselves as accessible as possible to their fanbase, so I did what I could to make that happen. If a conflict of interest arises, we’re more than prepared to handle it. We’re very… flexible here at C.S. Management.”

“Look, no jumping all over the place other,” I said, looking at the cities tied to the tour dates. “Just a simple zigzag, up and down.”

“Yeah, I was never fond of the idea of jumping recklessly all over the map,” she said, with a small smug look. “I like order.”

“Do we have to make a decision now?” Luke asked, his blue eyes scared. I didn’t blame him. This was all happening so fast. Much faster than our first contract when we became a band. That’s because you’re established now, my brain told me, you’re no longer those punk high school dropouts from Sydney. Hey! I didn’t drop out... These are your thoughts. Focus!

Shay shook her head. “No, not at all. Please feel free to take the time to look everything over. Let me know if you have any questions, or need me to adjust certain aspects. I don’t need a decision from 5SOS until the end of November. And even then, I’ll tell you the same thing I told Mr. Hood, I don’t really care if you take the offer or not.”

“Wow, you sure are confident in yourself,” Calum scoffed. 

“I know what my company is capable of Mr. Hood. I know we can do better for your band than what you’ve been getting. Which isn’t bad, by the way, it’s just child’s play, and you’re men now. You have been for a while. I’m open to working with 5SOS to ensure the band gets the best management possible. Whether or not you choose to take me as seriously as I’m willing to take your band, that’s on you.”

“And this isn’t some ploy? Cal said that you might be using Ash to get at us,” Luke put in.

Shay rolled her eyes, clearly sick of the back and forth she was having both with herself and with the rest of the world about our forming relationship. “Could you excuse me for a minute?” she asked, a smile on her face that I didn’t like the look of. She didn’t wait for an answer as she turned on her heel. We watched her go and I watched as another worker’s eyes went wide as she nodded her head wildly. Some words were exchanged and then Raz came out of her office looking frazzled for a brief second before following Shay back to us.

Shay didn’t say a word as she quickly gathered up the red folders and promptly shredded them. “I am good at my job. I earned everything I have with my brain, not with what’s between my legs,” she spoke, her tone sharp as she continued shredding folder after folder while we watched her in horror. She looked down at the shredder as she pushed the last folder through it with a blank expression. “Pity. That was some of my best work, too. I’ll leave you in the hands of the professional, now, gentlemen,” she said with a look towards Calum and Raz specifically. It was a terrifying look, eerily calm with a cutting look. “Enjoy the rest of your stay,” she added before strolling back out of the office.

Again, I watched her go, completely stunned. What was that quote? Though she be but little, she is fierce? Yeah, that was it. Quotes like that were made about women like Shay.

~~~

“So, is it safe to assume you like rock music?” I asked, leaning my arms on the table as I looked at her. 

She smiled over her cup at me. “Yeah, that’s a pretty safe assumption.”

I giggled. “Well, do you only listen to rock, or do you listen to other music?”

“I listen to other music. I enjoy rock music, obviously. I manage rock bands so of course I like rock music. But given the choice, I listen to country.”

“Country?” I asked my eyes going wide. 

She laughed. “Yeah. Makes me feel close to my dad.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“Why?” she laughed again. “My dad’s alive, Fletch. But, my parents are divorced. So, mom raised us on 80s rock and 90s grunge. And dad raised us on country.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I said again, not sure what else to say. 

She smiled and reached for my hand. “Don’t be. My parents split when I was too young to understand.”

“That still sucks, Shay…” With my own dad not being in the picture and a slew of stepdads in his wake, father issues were not something I was blind to. 

She squeezed my hand and continued to smile. “No, it doesn’t. It would suck more if they had stayed unhappy together. My mom had primary custody, but we saw my dad plenty. I have healthy relationships with both my parents, and they have a healthy relationship with each other.”

“You keep saying ‘we.’ Do you have siblings?”

She nodded. “I have one. Well 3, actually, I guess. My older brother. And then a stepbrother and stepsister. Also both older.”

“And the step siblings?”

“One from each stepmom.”

“You have 2 stepmoms?”

She laughed. “Yeah, Mom’s a lesbian. Probably why she was so unhappy with my dad. That, and they were young when they had my brother and me.”

I laughed with her. “Your family dynamics are weird.”

She continued to laugh. “Oh, it gets weirder, trust me. But, there’s plenty of love, which is the important part.”

“So, you’re the baby, huh?”

“Guilty as charged. But, I act older. Or, at least I’ve been asked if I was the older sibling before.”

I chuckled, “I don’t really buy into that birth order nonsense.”

“Neither do I, Fletch, neither do I.”

“You know, you keep calling me that, and it’s really not fair. I don’t even know your middle name.”

“Oh, you do.”

“I do?”

She nodded, a devilish smile on her lips. “Shannon’s my middle name.”

“Well, what’s your first name?”

“Bridget.”

“Oh, so you’re like Irish-Irish,” I teased. 

She just laughed. “Yeah, my name’s an Irish trainwreck.”

“So, when did you start going by your middle name?”

“When I moved to New York.”

“Oh shit, really? Where are you from originally?”

“LA,” she smiled. 

“You gave up LA for New York? Why?”

“Change of pace. Job opportunity. Law school. Take your pick,” she shrugged, leaning way back in her seat and crossing her arms. 

“Did I say something to upset you?”

“No. You’re just asking a lot of questions.”

“I’m trying to get to know you,” I laughed. How did a woman as smart as her not know how dating worked?

“Oh,” she said, uncrossing her arms. “Sorry. I’m not used to talking about myself much.”

“I can tell,” I smiled. She had alluded in our phone call this morning to have been hurt in the past. I wondered if this, along with her hesitation to ask me to slow down last night, was part of that hurt. It both broke my heart and angered me that someone would make her make her doubt herself in any way. But if someone loved her right, she wouldn’t be on a date with you, my brain told me. True. Their loss. My gain. “Must’ve been a hell of a job offer to trade one coast for the other.”

She shrugged, but it was less closed off than her first shrug. “I spent the summer before my last year of college interning at a law firm here in Manhattan. I liked it. They liked me. They offered me a job. I said I live in LA and have a year of school left. They said that was what computers were for. So, when I applied to law schools, I applied out here because that’s where my job was.”

“What caused you to take an internship in New York, anyway? I’m assuming you grew up in LA, went to school there and whatnot. I mean, New York is great and all. But LA is… well it’s LA. That was home, right?”

She nodded. “Yeah. But, uh, I was ready to expand my horizons a bit. And I had a boyfriend who supported it. Or so I thought.”

There is was. The damaging ex-boyfriend “What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, my ex was a sweetheart. He was the one who encouraged me to take the internship in the first place. I’ve always loved New York, but never had the chance to go. So, he was like ‘well here’s your chance, take it.’ So, I did. And it was great. And then I realized he said ‘your chance’ not ‘our chance.’” She shrugged again. 

I frowned. That didn’t sound damaging. He sounded… well to steal her words, like a sweetheart. “That’s rough, but, at least he didn’t hold you back.”

She offered me a sad smile as her mind took her backwards through the years. “Yeah, he was always good about that. Part of what made it all so hard, if I’m being honest. We were both making plans for a better life. I just thought it was for us together, not individually.”

“Jesus, I’m sorry,” I said, covering her hands in mine. Who wouldn’t want a life with her?

The sadness left her smile. “That’s the third time you apologized for something that 1.) isn’t your fault and 2.) I moved on from long ago.”

“It’s called sympathy, babes.”

~Shay

May 2020~

“Fletch!” I greeted happily, pulling him in for a hug.

His arms wrapped around me and his head dipped down to burrow into my neck. “Missed you,” he mumbled against my skin.

“Missed you too,” I smiled, running my fingers through his ink-black hair. “How long do I get you?”

“All week. The guys fly in Thursday, and then we all fly out Friday afternoon,” he told me, lifting up his head.

“I get you all to myself for a whole week? Wow, lucky me.”

“Lucky you? Lucky me. Now, get in here,” he said, tugging me into his hotel room.

~~~

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[hymn2000]

Chiquitita - MCU AU fanfic - C28

Story summary: Something strange is happening. Someone from space has made their way to Earth, armed with a strange weapon. Targeting teenagers, their ray gun, when fired, turns the victim into a toddler. The Avengers set out to stop this, and find a way to reverse the effects. However, they don’t all come out of the battle unscathed.

Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22   23 24  25  26 27

Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: de-aging, family stuff, corporal punishment (early chapters only), mental health stuff, hurt/comfort, hospital/medical stuff

Chapter 28 - Heartaches

-

Morning did come. Loki had managed to sleep a little bit, but now he was awake, lying on his back with Peter snuggled up on his chest, still asleep. He could hear the clock ticking, and he could hear the birds outside, as well as the distant sounds of early morning traffic. He could hear his pulse beating in his ears too, and that was the loudest sound of all. 

-

Tony asked Loki to do breakfast while he got Peter dressed. Loki blinked at them when they joined him in the kitchen.

“Are those..?”

“The clothes he wore that day? Yeah”

Loki swallowed. “Why?”

“They look good on him”

“That’s not your real reason” Loki said, wincing. His chest hurt. “I’m not ready to do this”

“I don’t care. It’s happening, no matter what”

“Just a few more days, Anthony. That’s all I ask. We can talk about this”

“Is that food nearly ready?”

Loki stayed quiet and served breakfast, keeping his eyes cast down for the most part.

“Thank you, daddy!” Peter grinned. “My dinosaur plate!”

“Yes, your dinosaur plate” Loki said. “And your dinosaur cutlery, and even one of your dinosaur cups”

Peter giggled and picked up his fork. Loki sat down beside him, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“Loki?”

“Mm?”

“How are you doing?”

Loki shrugged, picking up his fork. It should be perfectly obvious how he was doing. His heart was thudding and he felt hollow and shaky inside, and he was certain that much was evident. 

“Daddy?”

Loki cleared his throat. “Yes, sweetheart?”

“Where are we going today?” Peter asked. “Park or swimming?”

“We’ll see”

“You said that yesterday!” Peter pouted. “I wanna go out!”

“Later, darling” Tony said. “Finish your breakfast”

-

Peter was happily pushing his baby doll round the corridors in its buggy when he heard the front door open. He left his baby buggy and leant against the seal at the top of the stairs. His face lit up when he saw who it was.

“Uncle Thor!”

Thor put a finger to his lips. Peter gasped and copied him. He stepped back, waiting till Thor reached the landing before holding his arms up to him.

“Hi!”

“Hello, little Peter” Thor smiled, lifting him up for a cuddle. “What are you up to today?”

“I’m taking my baby for a walk!” Peter said. “You can put me down now: I must get back to it”

Thor laughed and did as he was asked. Peter grabbed his buggy. 

“Daddies are in the living room” he said. “I didn’t know you were coming today!”

“I did tell your daddies” Thor said, walking with him. “How’s your baby today?”

“She’s ok” Peter said. “We’re waiting”

“Oh. What for?”

“Daddy hasn’t said if we’re going to the park or swimming today. We want to go out”

“Oh, I see” Thor said. “Let’s go and join your daddies and then we’ll see how the day goes”

“Daddy keeps saying that” Peter said, wrinkling his nose. “I need to find my drink. I’ll join you in a minute”

Thor chuckled. “See you in a minute then”

-

It was obvious as soon as Thor went into the living room that Loki wasn’t in there by choice.

“Good afternoon” Thor said.

Tony smiled at him. “Hey, Thor. Have you passed the kid on the way in?”

“Yes. He said he had to find his drink but would just us in a minute”

Tony shook his head fondly. “He’s a funny kid”

“How are you, Loki?” Thor asked.

Loki merely narrowed his eyes at him. He pulled away from Tony and stood up.

“Loki? Hey, where are you going?”

Loki ignored him and walked out. Tony sighed. 

“It’s better to just leave him" he said. “He’s not feeling great”

“I can imagine. He looks so pale and tired”

“Mm. His heart was going a mile a minute just now, too. I know he’s on the wrong side of the table, but I do feel a bit sorry for him. His heart is in the right place, I suppose”

“Yes, poor Loki. How are you feeling about it all?”

“You know, I think I’m gonna miss the toddler. But he never should’ve ended up this way, and I need my teenager back. It’s gonna be a hard day. But it’ll be worth it... right?”

Thor squeezed his hand. “We’ve spent hours going over this. We’re doing the right thing”

Tony squeezed Thor’s hand back. “I know”

-

Loki found Peter in the back room, searching for his cup, with his baby doll balanced on his hip.

“Everything ok, my darling?” Loki asked gently.

Peter looked up. “I can’t find my drink!”

“Did daddy give you a cup after lunch?”

Peter shook his head.

“I don’t think you’ve got one on the go, then” Loki said. “Why don’t we go to the kitchen and sort you one?”

Peter nodded. “Can I leave the buggy in here?”

“Of course” Loki said. “Come on”

Peter trotted after him to the kitchen.

“Which cup would you like, darling?” 

“Dinosaur” Peter said. “Where’s my rocket?”

“In the living room, chicken” Loki said, filling one of Peter’s dinosaur sippy cups with orangeade. “Would you like a little snack or anything while we’re in here? You could have something from my special cupboard if you like?”

“Um...” Peter shook his head. “No, I’m not hungry”

“Ok, darling” 

Loki handed him his sippy cup. Peter took it with one hand so he didn’t have to put down his baby to drink. Loki watched him for a moment, biting his thumb.

“I like fizzy orange” Peter said, lowering his cup. “Can we go and see uncle Thor now?”

“If you like...”

Peter nodded. “I like uncle Thor!” 

“Uncle Thor likes you too” 

“Are my other uncles coming?”

“Not today, darling” Loki said. “Maybe some time in the next few weeks”

“Oh. What about mumma?”

“I don’t know”

“Oh”

“Oh indeed. What do you want to do now?”

“See uncle Thor!” Peter said. “I said that”

“Of course. Sorry. Come along, darling. Maybe you can play a game with him”

“Yes!” Peter grinned, walking along at his side. “I wanna play with my marble run! Can I play with my marble run?”

“Of course you can. You can play with whatever you like”

-

Peter demanded Loki set up his marble run for him. He hadn’t quite mastered the art of it himself, but Loki always set it up so that it zigzagged perfectly. Loki sat sorting the marbles into colour groups while Peter told Thor how to use the marble run.

“You put the marbles in the top. You can use this side or this side, or both at the same time! An’ then you just let go and it goes down to the bottom” Peter said, picking up a blue marble and dropping it in the top of the marble run.

They watched as the marble zigzagged down and shot out of the bottom of the run. Peter grinned at Thor, handing him a marble.

“Now you try!” 

“Well, since you’re offering” Thor dropped the marble in the run.

“It’s fun, see? It’s fun!”

“It’s quite satisfying to watch, isn’t it?” Thor said. 

“You wanna know what’s more fun?” 

“What’s more fun?”

Peter picked up two fistfuls of marbles and dropped them in the run. He waited until there was a marble on each level, and then pushed it over so that it fell with a clatter, the marbles scattering in all directions. Peter laughed, clapping his little hands.

“Now now, Peter, what have I told you about that?” Tony said sharply. 

Peter looked shocked for a moment, and then hung his head. He looked up at Tony.

“No more marble run?”

“Play with something else if you can’t play sensibly” Tony said.

Peter looked at Thor, shook his head, and sighed. “Parents”

Thor burst out laughing and ruffled the boys hair roughly. “You definitely take after your dads, little boy!”

He helped Peter tidy away the marbles and the marble run. Peter went over to his toy boxes, rifling through. Thor looked at Tony and Loki.

“Are you ready?”

“Let him play” Loki snapped. 

Thor nodded. Peter came back over to them, struggling with his box of farm animals. Thor took the box from him.

“Woah there, little one. You’ll drop them if you’re not careful”

“We’re gonna play farm soon” Peter said. “There’s fences and hedges and trees and everything!”

“I’ll help you set it up if you like” Thor offered.

“I wanna paint first!” 

“No, Peter” Tony said. “You painted yesterday”

“I wanna paint again! PLEASE!”

“No”

“PLEASE!!”

“Ok, just for a little bit” Loki said before Tony could say no again. “Let’s go to the kitchen”

-

Tony told Peter he could only have half an hour of painting time. Peter accepted that. He was happy messing about with his paints. Thor sat and painted with him while his parents stayed close by, tidying the kitchen and having a drink.

“Peter, your half an hour is almost up” Tony said after twenty-five minutes. “I think you’ve got time to do one more painting”

“Oh” Peter said. “Ok. I know EXACTLY what I’m gonna do!”

Peter stuck his brush in the yellow paint and started painting his hand.

“Peter!”

“No, leave him” Loki said. “He’s creating”

They watched as Peter layered the paint on and pressed his hand to the paper. Once he’d done that, he dipped the brush back into the yellow paint, painted his other hand, and pressed that to the paper, next to the first hand print. Then he rinsed his brush, dipped it in the red paint, and shakily wrote ‘Peter’ underneath the hand prints. He put his brush down, and grinned at Tony.

“Finished!” 

Tony ruffled the boys hair. “Let’s get you cleaned up”

Loki looked at the tiny hand prints. He’d done something similar with Peter weeks ago, and he was surprised the boy remembered. He looked at the paper, not sure how he was feeling.

“Loki?” Thor said gently. “Are you ok?”

Loki turned away quickly, pretending he had a text to answer. Thor didn’t push it.

Tony helped Peter wash all the paint off his skin and got him out of his painting apron.

“Tony?” Thor said.

“Yeah?” Tony said, passing Peter over to Loki.

“I think we need to think about moving things along”

“Yeah, of course” Tony nodded. He looked at Loki. “That’s fine, isn’t it, Loki?”

Loki held Peter closer, kissing him on the forehead. All of a sudden he felt sick again, much worse than before. He could feel himself shaking, and those silly tears were back in his eyes. He took a deep breath. This day was going too quickly.

-

Peter wanted to set up his farm and play, but Tony took him from Loki and kept hold of him. 

“I wanna play!” Peter squeaked, struggling. “I want to play!!”

“No, darling. Let’s have a cuddle” Tony said. “Let’s have a lovely cuddle, my little bambi-looking baby boy”

Peter pouted, wriggling. “Ok, but I want my rocket!”

Tony found it and gave it to him. “There. Now, shall we have that cuddle?”

Peter still looked a little unsure, but he settled against Tony, sighing relatively contentedly. He rested his cheek against Tony’s chest. Tony held him close, one hand on his head, the other on his lower back. 

“I love you, little boy” he said. “You’re a little sweetheart”

Peter lay against Tony’s chest. He felt funny. Why wasn’t Tony letting him play? Why did he sound so sad? Loki was sad too. Even Thor seemed a bit sad. Peter didn’t know why, and he wasn’t entirely sure if he was right, but he could definitely sense that something was up. He held tight to his rocket with one hand. 

“God, I’m starting to feel funny” Tony said, breathing in. “I’m gonna miss this”

“Let’s put it off then” Loki tried. “We’ve talked about this so much. There’s options, there’s so many reasons he can stay this way. We don’t have to do this”

“Yes, we do. We really do” Tony said, resting his head against Peter’s. “I love him, but you know what has to happen”

Tony held Peter for a long time, talking softly to him, recounting their days out and good memories, and telling him how important he was. It was so much quieter than usual. Peter was used to the radio and music playing all the time, but the speakers had been switched off today. It felt strange. 

“Ok bambino” Tony said gently. 

He looked at Loki, who was sat by his side. He was looking at him, but his eyes didn’t seem to be focusing. Tony kissed Peter firmly on the cheek, squeezing him tight.

“Why don’t you go cuddle other daddy for a while? There’s a good boy”

Peter didn’t lie against Loki’s chest when he was handed over: he put his hands on Loki’s chest so he could look at him.

“Daddy?” he said, feeling uncertain and worried. “My tummy hurts”

Loki sighed, stroking Peter’s hair gently. “I know darling. Mine does too”

“Will a cuddle make it feel better?”

“Maybe” Tears filled his eyes, and he had a hard time keeping his voice strong. “Shall we give it a try?” 

Peter nodded and lay against Loki’s chest. He looked at Tony for a moment, and then turned his head the other way. Loki was trembling, and he shook when he kissed the boys head, but he held him tight, strong and loving. Peter snuggled into him, bringing his rocket close and rubbing his nose against the cone of the rocket. Loki spoke to him, telling him he loved him more than anything, that he’d do anything for him, and that he always wanted what was best for him. Peter listened to the sound of Loki’s heart beating, and although it was fast, it was regular, and that, coupled with Loki’s loving words, soon soothed him.

-

After half an hour, Tony put an arm round Loki’s shoulders, holding him tight and resting a hand on Peter’s back. Ten minutes after that, Thor retrieved his shoulder bag, setting it on the coffee table. He stood up, went over, and kissed little Peter on the head. He rested a hand on Loki’s shoulder.

“Loki” he said softly. 

Loki opened his eyes and looked at Thor. He knew what he was saying, without the words being uttered. He took a deep breath and nodded, a single tear escaping and dripping down his cheek. He sat Peter up and kissed him hard on the cheek.

“I love you” he said, his voice cracking. “I love you so much. Me and daddy, we love you more than anything else in the world”

Peter blinked at him, and smiled, blissfully unaware. “I love you too! You’re my daddies!”

Loki pulled Peter close again. He shook Tony’s arm off him and stood up. Thor squeezed his shoulder.

“Do you mind if I give him a cuddle?”

Loki nodded and handed him over.

“Hi again, uncle Thor!” Peter smiled up at him. “Are we going to the park now?”

“We’re going to play a little game” Thor said, cuddling him close and kissing his cheek.

“Oh!” Peter’s face lit up. “Ok! I like games! Are we playing farm?”

“No, this is another game”

Loki took Peter back from Thor, hugging him close. He took a deep breath. He felt so sick. He was shaking and trying so hard not to cry. His eyes were watering and his throat was tight. He couldn’t do this. He could let this little boy be torn away and sent back to his teenage life and all the horrible memories that went with it.

“Loki” Thor said. “Why don’t you settle him?”

“I can’t”

“Loki”

“I can’t let him go. He’s so happy this way”

Tony stood up. “Darling, we’ve been through this. It’s time”

“We’re gonna play a game!” Little Peter said. “Game time, game time! You need to put me down!”

“You need to settle on the sofa, my son” Tony said. “Daddy’s going to put you down now. Isn’t that right, daddy?”

Loki took a very deep breath and carefully set Peter down on the end of the sofa, nestled in the cushions. Peter settled happily, positioning his rocket carefully beside him and waiting to find out what the game would be. Loki knelt down and kissed him on the nose. He couldn’t speak. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and Tony knelt down beside him. He stroked Peter’s cheek gently.

“I love you”

“I love you too, daddy!”

Tony kissed Peter on the cheek, and took Loki’s hand.

“I love you, my little darling” Loki said thickly.

Peter giggled. They’d both said it a lot today. “I love you too! I love you, I love you, I love you!” 

Loki gave Peter another little kiss on the nose, and then let Tony lead him back over to his seat to sit down. He held his hand tight. Peter looked up at Thor.

“I love you! Now is it time to play the game?”

“And I love you! Yes, now it’s time to play a little game” Thor said. “Ok?”

“Ok!” Peter giggled. “Let’s play a game! Game time!”

“How are you feeling? Happy?”

“I’m happy!” Peter giggled. “Happy, happy, happy!”

“I want you to close your eyes, and count to twenty in your head. Ok?”

Peter nodded. “I can do that!” he exclaimed, and covered his eyes with his hands. 

Thor carefully reached into his shoulder bag, pulling out the reversal gun. A sob escaped Loki as soon as he set eyes on it.

“Please don’t do this. I can’t do this-!”

Tony held Loki tight, trying to keep him quiet. Thor didn’t look at them. He felt a bit sick too, and the horrible, strained, desperate look on his brothers face was too much to bear. He was hurting so much already. But everyone knew what had to be done, whether Loki liked it or not.

Thor raised the reversal gun, pointing it at the oblivious toddler, who was counting quietly under his breath. He took a deep breath, taking one last look at the little boy, and he pulled the trigger. 

*

[timmyrx2000]

Dipper Steps Up: Chapter 13

Chapter Index: (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

Chapter 13

Chuck had a quick word as the Panthers ran to the dugout: "Guys! Two runs! Can we do this?"

A chorus of "Yeah!" came back.

Chuck shook his head. "I can't hear that! Tell me we can do this!"

At his side, Mabel raised her hand. "One! Two! Three!"

And as she swept her hand down, everyone yelled out together: "WE CAN DO THIS!"

Chuck grinned. "Jon J, step up to the plate!" But as the pitcher walked deliberately out, testing three bats before choosing one, Chuck said quietly to Dipper, "What's wrong?"

"Huh?" Dipper had been sweeping the grandstand with an anxious gaze. "Uh. Nothing. Just—you know, trying to see where . . . people are sitting."

"Keep your head in the game," Chuck said, slapping him on the shoulder. "Remember that!"

Dipper settled on the bench. I'll be up after Jon J and X-man. What if I screw it all up in front of Wendy?

After the first pitch—a called strike—it took Jon J only thirty seconds to end his turn at bat, though to Dipper that dragged on like three hours.

And Jon J ended it spectacularly, with a blazing shot right down the left foul line, though it stayed in play. It bounced off the chain-link fence, the left fielder, flustered, bobbled it, lost it, and threw to the wrong place—first base, which Jon J had already left behind, and the throw was short and the baseman had to chase it—

Jon J wound up on third base, leaning over with his hands on his knees, his chest heaving for air. He had probably set a personal-best speed record with that run. The dugout went crazy.

As X-man went past, Dipper said, "Make us proud, man!"

X-man smiled and nodded as if that were all he needed. He didn't waste time, either, but smashed a hit into deep right field. The Athletics were either tired or overconfident—or maybe shaken by the Panthers' performance in the sixth. X-man stretched what might have been a single into a double, and Jon J crossed the plate and came into the dugout with everybody jumping on him and pounding his back.

Everyone except Dipper. He stepped out. Only Chuck seemed to notice him. He just said, "Head in the game, Dip. You got this."

"Head in the game," Dipper mumbled.

Sun is so hot today. Not in my eyes, though. This bat feels so heavy! And I feel like Mabel when she was in the golf cart that time—about to puke!

His hands were soggy with sweat. He rubbed dirt on them and pulled on his batting gloves, took two practice swings, and stepped into the box. The Athletics pitcher scowled at him.

This guy likes to brush you back from the plate. If he crowds me, should I jerk back in time or would it be better to be hit and take a base?

Sure enough, the first fastball whistled in—and Dipper had to step back to avoid it. "Ball!" the umpire shouted.

OK, he won't try that one on the next pitch. He doesn't have much of a curve, and he aims for the bottom third of the zone. Eye on the ball. Eye on the—

The pitcher kicked high and bent low and the ball came in right in the center of the zone, but low. Dipper tensed, judged the moment, and swung as hard as he could—

Crack!

He knew it was going into the gap, but he was already running and had no time to watch it. Round first base, and the center fielder was just coming up from the ground with the ball—Faster! He's gonna throw me out!

People were screaming. The ball was in the air, the second baseman reaching up his glove—

Dipper hit the dirt and slid into the bag—

And he heard the second baseman yell, "Shit!"

Dipper got to his feet—not even winded—and started dusting himself off. "Language," he said mildly.

The Athletics player shot him a look that could have killed. Dipper saw that X-man had scored. Tie game!

Hi-Ho, up next, made a valiant try, but managed only a pop-up to shallow left field, and the shortstop caught it. One man down.

Bobby paused on his way to the plate to look Dipper's way and give him a thumbs-up. Mabel did a fist-pump.

Something amazing happened. Dipper, standing just off second, straightened up and looked around.

And at that moment, somehow everything around him reminded him of—Gravity Falls. On a day when there was no Weirdmageddon, no chase through the woods on a golf cart, no competition between Pacifica and Mabel on the mini-golf course, no baleful ghost to conquer, no dance to make him anxious about asking Wendy for just one dance. No, not a day like that, but one of the clear late afternoons he and Mabel loved, a day to lie on their backs on soft, fresh-smelling grass and look at clouds with Wendy. A day to laugh and feel at home and loved and safe. One of those beautiful days that you hoped would go on and on and on because it was too sweet to leave behind.

Everything seemed so peaceful. The game was just a game, fun but not the be-all and end-all. And he had friends—real friends! For the first time in his life he had more than a couple of friends, and they were all right here, in California, on this hot afternoon in May, and they were feeling good.

And he knew how to make them feel even better.

That all passed in a flash, before Bobby even crouched at the plate—the catcher liked to challenge a pitcher by narrowing the strike zone—and well before the first pitch flew.

Bobby swung, the bat smacked the ball, and Dipper saw it was a hard-hit line drive to the pitcher's left, squarely between first and second, and it hit hard and started to bounce, at least a single for sure, but by that time Dipper had launched himself.

He got to third, looked over, and saw Bobby stepping back to first base, grinning. He immediately led off first, dancing, goofing. The pitcher glared at him.

Dipper led off third.

The pitcher wound up—and Bobby tagged up, then led off even more. The pitch, a strike—and Bobby took off for second. Dipper saw that the catcher was throwing to second, and he hunched down and ran faster than he had ever run in his life, even that time in the Fearamid with a monstrous Bill Cipher on his and Mabel's heels—the crowd screamed, he heard the pitcher yell in startled surprise—the catcher was reaching for the ball—Dipper went into a slide again—

And the throw was high and the catcher missed it and the ump bellowed, "Safe!"

And the scoreboard blinked to the final score: ANDERSON 10, VISITORS 11. Dipper's steal had won the game.

Before he could even get to his feet, Dipper was picked up—the cheering team hoisted him in the air and paraded him around. Above everything, Dipper could hear Mabel: "That's my brother! In your face, Athletics! That's Dipper Pines!"

The team wouldn't set him down. They carried him into the dugout. They dumped the water jug over him, making him muddy rather than dusty. Coach Waylund shook his dripping hand. "Good season, Pines," he said. "I'll look for you at tryouts in the fall. We're gonna need a team captain."

"But Chuck—" No. Chuck won't be JV next year. He'll be Varsity.

"Chuck recommended you," Coach said. He turned around, clapping his hands. "Good game, men! Next year we're gonna be number one! Now hit the showers!"

When he came out dressed, with his wet gear in his game bag, he saw Mabel talking to their mom, dad, both Grunkles—and Wendy, who yelped, "There he is!" She hugged him, took off the trapper hat, and gave him a playful noogie. "Good goin', dude! I'm gonna have to turn into a baseball fan!"

"Hey, Dipper," Mabel said, "Chuck and me are gonna ride back with Mom and Dad. Grunkle Stan will drive you home."

"Yeah," Stan said, "Poindexter an' me are gonna check into a motel for the night. Tomorrow afternoon we gotta fly back to Gravity Falls so's Wendy won't miss school on Monday. She's gonna stay with your folks tonight."

"Stanley," Grunkle Ford said, "I'd feel more secure if you'd let Wendy drive. After all, we're in a rental car—"

"Brainiac, please!" Stanley said. "She's too young to drive a rental! You gotta be like twenty-five!"

"Oh—but I let her drive my rental," Stanford said.

"Did she get caught?"

"Well, no, she's a good driver—"

"Then forget about it! Me, I can't afford any points on my license, so I'm drivin'. She'll just hafta sit in the back seat with Dipper."

Oh, that was just such bad news. Dipper couldn't help grinning like an idiot.

On the drive back, Wendy told him that Mabel had called and begged her to get there if she could. "So I talked to Stan, an' when he found out this was like a big game, he talked Stanford into coming—"

"And pickin' up the tab for the airfare! Hah!" Stan said from behind the wheel.

"And, dude, I'm so glad we did! I mean, I've never been a big baseball fan, but that was cool! Is it always this exciting?"

"This was the most exciting game I've ever been in," Dipper said truthfully.

That evening, after dinner, Dipper, Mabel, and Wendy went for another walk. As twilight came on, they rambled another trail in Piedmont Park. Wendy said, "Mabel, you gotta level with him now. You said you would."

"Yeah, I know," Mabel said. "Dipper—it's about this summer."

"You don't want to go back to Gravity Falls," Dipper said flatly. "I figured. Because of Chuck."

"What? No! Well, yeah, kinda. But listen: I just want to stay here until Chuck finishes his therapy. That'll be the last week in June. Then I'll come up to Gravity Falls for the rest of the summer. Grunkle Ford will buy an airline ticket for me. Brobro, I can't live without a trip to Gravity Falls—but Dipper, it's Chuck. I—I have a little crush on him. That's why I asked Wendy if she could come down today."

"Yeah," Wendy said. "So most of June, you'll be in Gravity Falls without Mabel. To make up for it, when you run into some crazy mystery or other and need a partner—here I am, Dip."

"You—you'd go on mystery hunts and stuff? With, uh, with me?" Dipper asked.

She shoved his shoulder playfully. "Yeah, dude! Hey, I'm no Mabel, but in a tight spot, I'm good with an axe. So until, like, the last week of June, no Mystery Twins. How about Mystery Team? I'll go with you on every—investigation? Quest? Whatever, man! It's a promise! Deal?"

"Deal!" They high-fived.

On the last Thursday evening in May, the day that final exams ended, the team presented Dipper with a trophy—a gold-colored pitcher in a wind-up pose atop a mahogany pedestal with a brass plate inscribed "DIPPER PINES / MVP /ANDERSON VS PIEDMONT/PIEDMONT 11, ANDERSON 10/MAY 17, 2014."

That was a high point, as the game had been a high point. As was Chuck's congratulating the new JV team captain for next season. As was Dad's buying copies of the newspaper with a glowing account of the game and Dipper's part in it and distributing them to everyone he knew. As was school ending early on May 30, the last day. As were a lot of things.

Still, on Saturday, May 31, the bus trip up to Gravity Falls was long and lonely with no goofy, cheerful sister next to him. Low point.

But when, late in the day, the bus stopped in downtown Gravity Falls, and a beautiful grinning redhead met him and said, "Hey, dork—need a lift to the Shack?"

And when she hugged him tight and said "Missed you so much, Dipper! Welcome back!"

Well, there's no point quite as high as that.

The End

Note from the Authors: A HUGE HUGE HUGE Thanks to BillEase for working his magic in this idea of mine. I'm no writter I can tell you guys that. What you guys enjoyed was my idea but the brunt of the work was done by BillEase. He is one of the best (if not the best) fanfiction writers I've seen. He wrote almost all of this story while I just helped him with ideas and the baseball games. Go check out Bill's stuff over at Fanfiction.net cause I swear he DOES NOT disappoint. We're not really too sure if this is the end of the story arc for this AU. Bill's got his own arc going on which is damn awesome and deserves alot of love too. If you guys got any ideas to expand this, just leave them in the comments bellow. Hope you guys enjoyed and hopefully this won't be the last fic Thanks so much again for checking this out. Please leave a comment and share with us what ya think. Share it to your friends or just simply fave this and follow Bill and I. Again, Thanks a million and we hope to see ya guys soon! Bill and Tim

[jaden-joi]

Chapter 3

I pulled up in the uber to my building in Columbus Square. I stepped out and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The company really out did themselves and the pictures did not do this place any justice. It was beautiful and way more than I could really ask for. The building was over 12 floors tall and made of glass with gleaming silver trimming. I gasped as the wash of it all overwhelmed me and I shed at tear. I cant believe that I am really here. People back home would never believe that this is here I live. I gathered my things from the back of the uber and proceeded to my building. The door man at the front desk was dressed in a designer suit with a fresh hair cut. He seemed in his late forties and very serious about his job.  

"hello excuse me? My name is Sloane Taylor I am here to pick up my keys?'

"Good afternoon Miss Taylor we have been expecting your arrival."  

I felt so proper and important for him to address me as Miss Taylor.  

"We just need you to sign this paper stating that you received your key fobs. Thank you and here are your keys ma'am. This one is a fob for you to get onto your floor in the elevator and this one is for your front door. If there is anything that you may need we are here 24 hours."

"thank you, sir I appreciate it." I grabbed my keys and walked to the elevators. The doors slid open, I waved my key fob and the 10th floor lit up. I stepped out of the elevator to walk down to the far corner door. I took a deep breath before I stuck the key into the door and turned it. Walking it was magical like seeing fireworks on the fourth for the first time. I was full of natural light from the floor to ceiling windows and skyline view of the city. I still cant believe this is happening to me. I looked around and all of my boxes were neatly stacked in the corner for me to unpack and my preordered furniture was set up and waiting for me to decorate. I sat my things down and the door and took a look around. A full kitchen with up to date stainless steel appliance's and a upstairs loft to look down on the living room and dining room. I am definitely turn that into an office.  

****************************

I finished my self tour and plopped down on my new contemporary red couch and called my mom.  

She picked up and I have never been more excited to hear her voice.

"hey mom! I made it "

"hey sweetie, how do you like it so far?"

"oh my gosh mommy its beautiful look." I flipped my camera around to show her the living room with the huge windows.  

She gasped in aww and said "wow sloane its beautiful they really set you up nicely."  

"I know mommy its crazy right and they are paying for it like I know the rent here has to be over two thousand dollars a month."  

"yeah if not more. This company is really a big deal huh?'  

"Yeah it’s the biggest on the east coast and mid west."

"when is your first day?"

"I start right away on monday. You know these big new york people are always in a hurry and waste no time."

"you really havent unpacked and enjoyed the place yet." She stated in her concerned mom voice one I knew oh so well.

"my work days in the office aren't long so I will have plenty of time to get adjusted."

"ok as long as you make the time." She smiled looking a bit more settled. We talked for about 30 more minutes. Then I hung up to freshen up and wonder off in the streets to find food.  

******************************

The next morning came like a flash and it was time for my big first day. I changed my outfit six times before I settled on my Banana Republic skinny ankle navy blue pants, my white smocked blouse and Valentino ballet flats that I splurged on with some of my graduation money. I turned my flat irons off after putting a little bend in the top of my hair and brushed down my taper in the back. Even with my outfit changes I had plenty of time to stop for breakfast and a large cup of coffee.  

I walked up to the office on Fashion Avenue and pushed through the revolving glass door. I stopped in the lobby to look at all the men in suits with briefcases and the woman walking with six-inch stilettos clicking on the marble floors. I caught myself before I fell into a deep day dream and ran to catch the elevator before I was late for my first day. I got to my floor and walked up to the front door receptionist.  

Before I could say anything, she said, " Ms. Taylor we have been expecting you, can I show you to your office?"  

I was caught off guard, " How do you know I am Ms. Taylor?"  

"its my job to know who comes in and out of these doors." She said politely and then stood up from behind the big desk.  

"here follow me I am going to show you around. I really hope you like it here. We have all be so excited to have you join the team."  

"thank you, Im glad the company thought of me as a asset to the team."  

"here you are hope it is sufficient for you. You have a meeting in twenty minutes and I am extension *469 on your landline."

"thank you again, and what is your name?"

"its Marla, Marla Holloway." She smiled and walked away back to her desk,

I wanted to do that squealing happy dance I did when I found out about the job but my office doors were see through and I didn’t want to be that weird girl on the first day. I had a new reputation to protect. I set my coffee down on my new desk and got comfortable in my chair. I could totally get used to this treatment. I am the new director of designs and chief manager of social media content with an nearly six figure salary. Who else could say that at twenty three? Well I gathered my paperwork and grabbed my ipad to take notes in my first meeting.

I found the conference room and they set out breakfast pastries and fresh fruit. I sat down and said my hellos to the new faces as we waited for the boss to make her entrance. Geneva Carvey she was the CEO of the company and very hands on in the everyday of the office, kind of like the Miranda Presley in The Devil Wears Prada and im playing Anne Hathaway.  

"Good Morning everyone I hope you are all ready for the week because it is going to be a busy one, she said as she sachet across the room to the head chair at the end of the table.  

"we also have a new member at the table today joining us, please welcome Sloane Taylor to the team."  

They have a small hand clap and I waved shyly back.

"great now that we are all acquainted lets get to business." She went down the list going over details with every one and I just listened jotted down notes on how to present to her and take in her critics. Then I heard my name called. I looked up doe eyed as I realized it was Geneva calling me. "yes ma'am?"  

"We have special request for your work. This is going to be a field scout in the Bronx therefore I am allowing you to take someone with you for assistance. Do you have anyone in mind?"

I don’t really know that many people, however Marla seemed really eager about her job so why not give her a chance. "yea sure how about ummm Marla Holloway? I feel she could help me a lot."

"the front desk receptionist?" She was astounded by my choice.  

"yes ma'am I would like to choose her."  

"very well you are going out first thing tomorrow morning I expect you to get together and work out a strategy." I nodded my head in agreement. We wrapped up the meeting and parted ways to begin our work. I called for Marla to come into my office to tell her the news about our first job. She entered, "you asked to see me Ms. Taylor?"

"yes come in a have a seat please." She looked to be about my age so having her call me Ms. Taylor was so weird. She was a ginger haired girl that reminded me of the little mermaid with her sweet personality.  

"I have a bit of news for you,"  

"oh no im not fired am I?" She looked as if her world was ending at the thought that I may be firing her.

"oh god no, besides that would be a job for HR not me," She sighed in relief as I chuckled.  

"But I am offering for you to assist me on a field job tomorrow in the Bronx would you be interested?" I waited anxiously for her answer.  

"yes of course omg'

"great well we have a lot to go over to get prepared for tomorrow are you ready?" She nodded her head I figured she was lost for words so I just proceeded. I can tell we are going to be a great team.

[ilvsyzj]

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Waking Up the Rest of the Elements. Part II.

Week #3, Day 6, Saturday, 12/19/2020

    The next morning Sky and I woke up early. Boy was I sore from yesterday hike. Today, we are going on another hike to finish our missions. Sky and I got ready for the day, we took our backpacks with water, food for the cats and the dragons, a tent, a sleeping bag, and some change of clothing and socks. Sky packed some harness for the cats incase they are not allow to go off leash. When we were ready, we went down to the Common Room for some breakfast. Brandy was wearing proper clothing and shoes. After breakfast we went a 4 hour hike to Wind Two-Headed Dragon Den. Toothless and Snow were off leash for the first 2 hours. But we have to cut through a village that says that all animals must be on a leash. Baby animals don’t need to be on a leash though. So Sky hooked up Toothless and Snow on to their harness and off we went through the village. None of the villagers were outside so it was a ghost town. We left the village with no trouble at all. 2 hours later we finally came to the Wind Two-Head Dragon Den. Since its Sky and I combine power we went into the den together. Brandy was our backup Healer so she came with us. The Wind Two-Headed Dragon appeared in front of us with no problems. Sky and I said our promise and then we were transported out of the den in blink of eye. Sky and I had a new outfit and we said the magic word to change back to our regular out fit. 

   Before we continued our journey we had lunch and took a good rest. Brandy and Jeff were talking again. Which is a good thing because I hate people fighting. Specially fighting between couples. 45 minutes later we packed up and went to Water Dragon Den for Phil’s element power. It was very beautiful day for a hike but it was pretty warm today so we are drinking more water so we don’t die from this heat. We finally arrived at the Water Dragon Den and Phil went in with Brandy. 10 minutes later Phil and Brandy came out without a scratch. Then we moved on to the next destination. Our next destination was a 6 hour hike. We took a lunch break and that’s when Scarlet decided to drop a bomb shell on us. 

Scarlet: Now that Sky and Jazzy has their element dragon spirits in them, they have officially completed their Element Mission and Yin Yang Mission. Icy and I are very proud. Now, I see there is a celebration in the future. More like next week. 

Brandy: -excited- What kind of celebration?

Scarlet: I don’t know. I’m not an Oracle. I can’t read that far into the future. 

Brandy: Oh. 

Scarlet: Don’t worry, you’ll be surprise when the time comes. 

Icy: What Scarlet is trying to say is that we are going to have a celebration for everyone. Not just for two people. Sky and Jazzy isn’t going to have a Promise Ceremony, because they are still thinking about it. But I’m sure Scarlet can see that there is going to be Promise Ceremony some time in the future. 

Scarlet: I do see a Promise Ceremony in the future. But I don’t know the actual date. However, I do see a Promise Ring on Jazzy finger sometime next week. Someone is thinking about giving the Promise Ring as a Christmas gift. 

Brandy: -excited and clapping her hands- 

Sky: Scarlet, you need to stop reading our future. It’s stressing Jazzy out. 

Jazzy: I’m going to get some sparkling water. -getting up from her seat- 

Scarlet: Sorry. 

Sky: It’s fine. Just the talk about the future freaks her out. She likes to focus at one thing at a time. And telling her the future freaks her out as well. So, please stop with future prediction. 

Scarlet: Understood. What if she ask for some future prediction?

Sky: Then you can tell her. Not when she didn’t ask for it. 

Scarlet: Understood. 

   I came back from the little snack shop. I was feeling a little nauseous. So I need a bottle of sparkling water to help me out with the nauseous. Of course all werewolves have super hearing so I heard everything that Sky said. And everything that he said is actually true. I don’t like knowing about the future before it actually happens. I like to live in the moment. After some more rest we went to Wood Dragon Den which is a 6 hour hike. So we are going to spend the night outside. So, today we are going camping after we are done with our missions. 3 hours into our hike we took another break and rest. Then we continue are hike. Brandy didn’t have any problems today, because she was wearing the right type of shoes. Brandy, is starting to understand the importance of our missions. We finally reached Wood Dragon Den. William and Brandy went into the den. Less than 5 minutes both of them came out with no problem whatsoever. That was it. All four of us got our element dragon spirits in us. Tonight, we are going to find a nice spot to camp. Since we are in the Wood Dragon Den a few miles away from this den is a nice forest. So tonight we are going to be staying in the forest. So, that’s what we did. We found a very good spot, where we can see the stars because it’s going to be a clear night. We set up our tents and we had dinner. 

Jazzy: Babe?

Sky: Mhm. 

Jazzy: Wanna do some star gazing tonight?

Sky: Sure. 

Jazzy: Sweet. 

    We’re going to stay in the forest for only one night. Tomorrow we are going to go home. After dinner Sky and I went back to our tent and lay down to gaze at the stars. It was a beautiful night. We actually saw a meteor shower and it was a beautiful show. I felt very peaceful laying beside Sky and doing what he enjoy the most. Star gazing is one of Sky favorite thing to do. We don’t do this very often because we aren’t allow outside the house, and since we are camping tonight, we finally get to do this. Everyone is doing their own thing, Toothless and Snow are in the tent sleeping with Scarlet and Icy. 

Jazzy: The night sky is so beautiful. 

Sky: Mhm. I’m so relax right now. Just watching the stars and being here with you. 

Jazzy: Yuck. You’re being cheesy. 

Sky: I’m being cheesy. I thought you like when I’m cheesy. 

Jazzy: When we are alone and not in the presence of our team. You’re making my face turn red. 

Sky: Oh. Okay. Well, when we go home tomorrow I’ll show you whose cheesy. 

Jazzy: Deal. Now shut up and watch the show. 

    The meteor shower lasted for an hour. After the show Sky and I went to bed. It was a very tiring day and we are very tired. Sky and I gave each other a goodnight kiss. The best thing I get to do is snuggle in Sky’s arms. Sky’s strong arms makes me feel very safe. 

-End of Chapter Twenty-Nine- 

[starrkidmalfoy]

Draco Imagine

can you write a draco hc where he sees the reader get hurt or bullied and its all about how he tries to protect her? but they're enemies so it's quite uncommon (and something about him loving her i need major fluff)? Please and thank you xoxo ---------------------- It was the third time this week Pansy had cornered you after breakfast and you were just waiting for her to hex you so you could get on with your day. "Isn't this cute girls? She's finally learned that she can't run away." She said snickering, her mouth curling up at the edges. She tilted her head down and glared at you through her dark bangs. "What shall it be today?" Her slender flingers reached into her robes and drew out her wand very slowly. Before her wand could even be raised in your direction it flew out of her hand with a flash of white light and clattered to the ground so hard you almost thought it broke. Pansy grabbed her wand and turned around to see who was responsible for knocking her wand to the tile, but most importantly, she wanted to see who would even try to come to your rescue. You looked over Pansy's shoulder to see who had come to your side and saw nothing but empty hallway. Pansy turned around with a flip of hair. "No matter. On with it." You were back in the common room after visiting Madam Pomfrey to remove the donkey ears and tail that Pansy had given you just a few hours earlier. You grabbed your charms book and the roll of parchment from the chair where you had left it last night and headed off to class. You were 12 minutes late, but Flitwick knew why. The only reason the professors couldn't stop Pansy is because they never could catch her in the act, however, they knew you were not the type of student to show up late to class and use bullying as an excuse. The rest of your day went by fast and easy. You learned how to transfigure a tie into a snake and how to tell what the weather will be like the next day just by looking at the stars. You walked into the great hall to get dinner before heading to library to start on your potions essay. Your right foot crosses the threshold to the hall, but your left foot is caught on something invisible. You start to fall face first to the ground unable to use your arms as a shield due to the fact that they are full of books. Your face came two inches from the floor when you suddenly stopped falling and your body lifted back into its normal standing position. You looked around confused and saw that Pansy was doing the same. Seeing that she was distracted, you made you break and ran for your house table before she had the chance to try and trip you up again. As soon was you finished eating you grabbed your bag from the bench beside you and left the great hall while Pansy was distracted by Nearly-Headless Nick popping out of the closest pudding she was reaching for. As you headed for the staircase you kept your head down trying not to draw too much attention to yourself. You picked up your walking speed knowing you were getting close to the stairs until you ran into someone. You started to fall back until they grabbed your arm and pulled you up. "Not very solid on your feet are you?" They said with a chuckle. "This time was my fault. Sorry about that." They said as they dropped your arm and stood there until you regained your balance. "Every time I get knocked off my feet it's not really my choice." You say pulling your robe and book bag back into your shoulder. With a deep sigh you brush your hair out of your face and look up to see platinum blonde hair and steel grey eyes. "Draco?!" His eyes go wide as he claps a hand over your mouth and drags you into a corner. "If you say my name too loud and in that tone people come running." He removed his hands and you took in a big breath. "Why?" "I don't know. Something about how I'm 'rude' and a 'bully'" he says putting those words into air quotes. "Well yes. Generally you are quite terrible." You say quietly crossing your arms and looking away from him. But that doesn't stop you from seeing the hurt look cross his face out of the corner of your eye. "Well, uh, sorry about bumping into you. I'll just got then." He started to turn away but you reached out and stopped him before he could take more than two steps. "Wait." He turned around and his eyes looked straight into yours. You inhaled sharply. You had never seen his face this close before. His eyes had bags underneath and he had this look of pain behind his eyes. He looked tired and sad, it was a look that made you want to hold him and tell him everything was going to turn out alright even though you didn't really know what he was going through. "I didn't mean it like that." You said shaking yourself out of your thoughts. "I just meant-" "You don't have to explain. I know what you meant. Not a lot of people like me. I get it." "No! I just meant that I've heard things about you. And yes most of them aren't nice things. But," you weren't sure how to finish the sentence but Draco seemed to understand what you were trying to say. "Thanks." He said almost a whisper. He looked to the ground and you could see a light blush begin to rise to his cheeks. You could stare at him all day. He was handsome in a quirky weird sort of way. His features were sharp and pointed but his eyes softened his face and his lips seemed so sweet. You weren't sure how long you two had just been standing there before people started coming out of the dining hall in groups. You both came out of your trances "Well I better go before Pansy finds me and sends me to the hospital wing again." You say starting up the stairs. Draco follows close but still a couple steps behind as there are now massive clumps of people around. You start down the corridor that you normally take back to your common room. It's a longer walk, but no one ever goes down those halls so it's a nice time to think and feel safe away from Pansy. You hadn't even made it half way back to your dorm when you started to hear footsteps behind you. At first you just ignored it thinking it was probably just the echoing of your own footsteps off the stone walls, but then the steps changed pace and rhythm. You turned around only to see Draco walking behind you. "Are you following me?" You say some what in disbelief. "Someone has to keep you safe from Pansy, right?" He says shrugging and taking a step closer to you. "You? It's been you this whole time? Knocking her wand from her hand? Reversing my gravity so I could stand up? Removing the invisible object she used to trip me? That was all you?" He nodded slowly and let his eyes wonder to everything but you. The light pink colored had now returned to his face and he started to fidget. He couldn't stop shifting his weight on his feet and you could tell he was slightly embarrassed by the whole thing. "Why would you want to help me?" You say taking a step back. "Because I like you, okay?" He blurts it out and quickly realizes what he has said and starts stuttering trying to find the right words to back himself out of the situation. "You like me?" You say in a small whisper. You could feel your face and ears heating up and you knew that your face had to be at least 3 shades deeper red than Draco's blush that had also gotten darker. Draco's eyes met yours and you both just stood there for who knows how long just staring into one another's eyes. He took a step closer to you and grabbed your hand in his. "I know," his voice was shaking but it was still powerful "it may seems strange, or a bit unusual even, since I'm not really supposed to be friends with anyone and everyone is just meant to be an enemy. However, you seem so sweet and kind. No matter what Pansy does or anyone does to you, you pick yourself up and move on. That's something that I wish I could do." He has taken your other hand into his and his words are spoken so softly that your afraid that if you move you might miss a word. "I really love that about you. You're just so quietly strong." You both stand there again in silence. A comfortable silence. You would be happy to stand here forever. "So...what do you say?" He asks turning a shade of deep red that you didn't think was possible. You let out a smile laugh and a sigh. "I really like you too." You say pulling yourself into his chest. You inhaled the smell of whatever cologne he wore and instantly felt home. You thought of where you had smelled this before and why it seemed so familiar and warm. He squeezed to tighter and you took in a deep breath. Amortentia! That's where you had smelled it before! Draco smelled exactly like the amortentia potion you brewed in potions class just 3 days before. You took in one more breath finally feeling safe and happy. You broke the hug and looked into his eyes. The biggest grin broke out onto Draco's face making you smile so hard you thought your face might shatter from happiness. Draco leaned down and pressed his forehead to yours and let your nose touch his. "Our little secret?" He said as his hand fell onto your waist pulling your body close to his. "Our little secret." Xx all writing it original and my own work. If you use it please give credit. Much love xX --------------------- Sorry this took so long but I wasn't sure where to begin and where to end and how much detail I wanted to put in certain areas but I really hope you enjoyed! Let me know if you want a part 2!! If you have any requests please feel free to send them into me and I will get writing as soon as possible! Love you guys x

[dorkwhowrites]

Boys Don’t Kiss Boys

Group: Bangtan Boys

Pairing: Yoonmin

Genre: Fluff

Yoongi always liked Jimin the most.

Jimin wasn’t like the other boys. Jimin was different, much kinder. He didn’t want to hit Yoongi or steal his lunch like all the others boy did.

Instead, he wanted to play with Yoongi.

Yoongi always wondered why out of everyone did Jimin chose to be with him. But he was happy because at least he had a friend.

They were on the playground during lunchtime. While everyone else was away playing Yoongi and Jimin were hidden behind the trees playing pretend in one of the many elaborate stories that Yoongi came up with.

This time Jimin was playing a young prince that needed to be saved and Yoongi was the knight in shining armor that was going to save Jimin from the clutches of the evil dragon-a one-eyed teddy bear that they had found in the toys’ room.

“Stop right there,” Yoongi bellowed in his loudest voice to the teddy bear behind which Jimin was quivering with fear.

“What did you say?” Yoongi asked in a dramatic voice.

Jimin cried out louder.

“Do not worry prince for I am here to save you,” Yoongi said to Jimin before returning his attention back to the dragon.

“You,” he said raising his sword which was a broken branch that Yoongi had found in the school garden. “You’ll face my wrath”

Yoongi raised the branch above his head letting out a loud yell as he hit the teddy bear who toppled and fell down the ground making Jimin scream in a shrill voice.

Yoongi continued to hit the teddy bear for five more times until he stopped his chest heaving up and down staring at the teddy bear.

“I told you,” he said. “Evil always loses”

He then looked at Jimin who was sitting down on the ground hugging his knees looking scared. Yoongi threw his faux sword down and went up to Jimin offering him his hand.

“You’re safe now prince,” he said.

Jimin looked up at him and then gently placed his hand into Yoongi’s palm letting Yoongi help him on the ground.

“Thank you,” Jimin said. “You are a very brave knight”

“It was my duty,” Yoongi said with a small bow making Jimin smile a little.

“You risked your life for me,” Jimin said. “You are noble”

Yoongi nodded remaining expressionless until he saw Jimin smile again.

“Because of your courage you are now awarded a thousand gold coins,” Jimin said.

Yoongi’s face changed into a little frown.

“Jiminie,” he said. “That is not what you were supposed to say,”

“Huh,”

“Your lines,” Yoongi sighed. “You messed up”

“But…”

“What do you think the princess does when the knight saves her?” Yoongi asked.

Jimin bit his lip thinking hard.

“Kiss the knight,”

“Exactly,”

“Huh,” Jimin repeated.

“You were supposed to kiss me Jiminie,” Yoongi said. “I saved you from the big evil dragon so you should kiss me to thank me,”

At that Jimin started laughing.

Yoongi’s face flushed a little.

“What is so funny?” he asked. “It’s in all the movies. When the princess gets saved she kisses the knight”

“But we’re boys,” Jimin said.

“I don’t understand,” Yoongi said in a confused voice.

Jimin sighed.

“Yoongi,” Jimin said. “ Boys don’t kiss boys”

The bell rang just at that moment and Yoongi felt Jimin’s hands grabbing his.

“Come on now,” Jimin said. “We have to get to class or the teacher will yell at us again”

Yoongi didn’t protest as Jimin dragged him inside the class along with the rest of his classmates but all Yoongi could think about was what Jimin said.

That continued as Yoongi was sat on the kitchen table absent-mindedly forking his pancakes but not bothering to take a bite.

“Yoongi,” he heard his mother. “Is everything okay?”

Yoongi nodded a little taking a small bite and chewing on it.

“Was someone being mean at school?” his mother asked in a careful voice. His parents were no strangers to his problems at coping with students in his school. He wasn’t like the other kids who ran around the field for no reason and scream their heads off. Yoongi was calm and was usually lost in his head. He was different but kids found it as a reason to pick on him. Finding Jimin as a friend was a miracle for Yoongi.

“No,” Yoongi answered but his mother knew something was definitely off because Yoongi never took longer than 10 minutes to finish his blueberry pancakes but he had been sitting in front of his plate for the past half an hour not bothering to take a proper bite.

“Yoongi honey,” his mother said. “You know you can tell me everything right?”

Yoongi looked at his mother and nodded a little.

His mother smiled.

“So what is it?” she asked. “Did you have a fight with Jimin?”

“No,” Yoongi said in an offended voice. “I will never fight with Jimin. He is my best friend and I love him”

This was true too because unlike other kids who always picked up fights with their friends about everything from a broken crayon or food, Yoongi and Jimin never ever fought.

“That’s good,” his mother said with a smile. “You shouldn’t fight with your best friend”

Yoongi nodded agreeing.

“Well then what is it that is bothering my little sugar?” his mother asked and Yoongi could feel himself getting red at the nickname.

“I…,” he said and paused a little. “Can boys kiss boys?”

Yoongi’s mother looked surprised for a second before she smiled at Yoongi.

“Of course honey,” she said.

“Really?” Yoongi asked unsurely.

“Boys can kiss boys, girls can kiss girls and boys can kiss girls,” she said. “It doesn’t matter”

Yoongi smiled a little before giving his mother a hug.

That night he was still thinking about it as he stared up at the ceiling of his room which was covered in little stars that his dad had painted himself for Yoongi.

His mom said it was okay for boys to kiss boys.

But for some reason, 4 year old Yoongi still wasn’t convinced as he kept thinking about it.

‘Can boys kiss boys?’

Yoongi was seated on the far end of the auditorium alone watching Jimin up on stage rehearsing his lines. He was a bit uneasy sitting alone especially among people that left no chance to bully him but he had promised Jimin that they would go home together after Jimin’s rehearsal for the upcoming school play. He was just keeping his best friend’s promise.

Jimin was clearing his throat as he began reciting his lines and Yoongi watched amazed and frankly proud of his best friend delivering his lines with so much confidence.

He was playing Romeo and a girl named Alia was playing Juliet. Alia was one of those people that found making Yoongi trip or teasing him very funny but only when Jimin wasn’t around.

Jimin was friends with all of Alia and her snobby friends but at least he wasn’t like them.

Yoongi would be lying if he didn’t feel scared that one-day Jimin was just gonna stop talking to him but he didn’t.

“You are my best friend,” Jimin would say to him.

That somehow made Yoongi worry less.

“Tybalt,” Jimin yelled. “I do not want to fight you”

The boy named James who played Tybalt made his way towards Jimin brandishing his plastic sword swinging it as Jimin did the same and they began sword fighting.

Yoongi watched attentively until he heard a clap.

“All right kids,” the drama teacher said. “That’s enough for now”

James and Jimin both dropped their swords and walked down as the teacher told them the schedule for the next week.

Yoongi saw Jimin take his backpack and walk to him.

“You are here,” Jimin said.

“Of course I am,” Yoongi grinned. “I promised you I would be here”

Jimin smiled back.

“My mom’s gonna pick us up,” he said. “Maybe we can ask her to let you sleep over”

“Sleepover?” Yoongi asked in an excited voice. “But what if my mom says no?”

“I’ll tell my mom to convince her,” Jimin said and Yoongi nodded with a smile.

Just then Yoongi saw James and Alia make their way towards them. Yoongi gulped a little as Jimin flashed them a grin.

“Hey,” James said. “Will you come to the park with us this evening?”

The question was directed only at Jimin but he didn’t seem to notice as he answered.

“Oh no,” Jimin said. “Yoongi and I are gonna play Mario Kart today. Maybe I’ll be able to beat him today”

James and Alia looked at Yoongi with a slight scowl.

“Oh that’s fine Jimin,” Alia said. “We can go to the park some other time”

Jimin nodded.

“Mom’s here,” he said. “I’ll see you both on Monday”

James and Alia waved goodbye as Jimin and Yoongi left the building and headed straight to the car.

“Hey kids,” Jimin’s mom smiled. “How was school?”

“Good,” Yoongi could barely answer as Jimin launched into a very detailed description of everything that had happened in a loud, enthusiastic voice.

Jimin’s mom listened amused.

“Also mom,” Jimin said. “Can Yoongi sleepover tonight?”

“Jim…” his mom began.

“Please,” Jimin said. “Pretty please”

“Okay fine,” his mom sighed. “I’ll talk to Yoongi’s mom”

She smiled at Yoongi who gave her a small smile back.

They reached their home soon and both of the boys raced to Jimin’s bedroom to play Mario Kart for the next 3 hours and despite Jimin’s repeated tries Yoongi still managed to beat him leaving a very gleeful Yoongi and a fuming Jimin.

But all was forgotten when they were called downstairs for dinner.

Jimin’s mom had made Mac n cheese something both the boys loved and they ate dinner as Jimin talked to his mom and Yoongi made a little conversation.

They went upstairs once again and this time to watch Mulan, their favorite Disney movie along with some popcorn that Jimin’s mom had made for them.

“Boys,” she said. “I want you both to sleep as soon as you finish the movie okay”

Both Jimin and Yoongi nodded not really listening as they watched the movie. It was 12 am when they finally finished it and neither of the boys felt sleepy in the slightest.

“Yoongi,” Jimin said.

“Yes,”

“You are my best friend right,”

“Yes I am,”

“Which means we can share secrets right?”

“Yes,”

“And we don’t tell this to anyone right?”

“No,”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Yes you can,”

“Do you think they will make me kiss Alia in the play?”

“What?” Yoongi asked loudly.

“James said that Romeo and Juliet kiss,”

“Do you want to kiss her?” Yoongi asked.

“No,” Jimin said making a face. “But what if I have to”

“I don’t think they will make you kiss Alia,”

“Are you sure?” Jimin asked.

“No,”

Jimin sighed.

“Girls are much better at all that stuff,” Jimin said.

“Huh, but she is just 9?”

“They know how to kiss and stuff,”

“Do they?” Yoongi asked.

“James said so,”

“Oh,”

If we do ever kiss,” Jimin said. “I don’t want her to think I am bad at it or something”

“Oh,”

“She would probably make fun of me,” Jimin said with a dramatic sigh.

“You…” Yoongi said. “You should practice”

Jimin looked up with a wide surprised look and a grin.

“Genius,” he said.

But slowly his expression changed.

“But with who?”

“I don’t know,” Yoongi answered.

Jimin sighed again.

“I am in trouble,” he said. “They will laugh at me”

“Jimin,” Yoongi said in a small voice.

“What?”

“We…we can practice”

“What?” Jimin asked loudly.

Yoongi’s voice grew smaller.

“Or not,” he said thinking that Jimin was definitely gonna think that Yoongi is a complete freak just like the rest of his grade thinks he is.

Yoongi didn’t look at Jimin playing with a thread on his pillow.

“Maybe,” Jimin finally said.

Yoongi looked up as if he had seen a ghost.

“Really,”

“Yeah,”

Yoongi gulped as Jimin got up and sat beside him. They leaned and Yoongi could feel his heart beating faster than it had when he had seen a snake in their backyard.

Yoongi thought about the many kisses he had seen in movies and how it was just perfect and nice (not all of them as Yoongi remembers seeing a man almost shove his tongue down a girl’s mouth and he was completely horrified as he switched the channel)

Their lips touched for a brief second and Yoongi’s eyes were wide open as Jimin pushed off.

“No no ew,” he said throwing his pillow down.

“Wh...What?”

“We can’t kiss,” he said. “We’re friends”

“But so is Alia,” Yoongi said meekly.

“She is a girl,” Jimin simply said.

“Kissing is gross,” he added with an afterthought and made his way to the bathroom as Yoongi sat horrified a strange tingling feeling in his stomach.

Jimin came back washing his mouth.

“I am going to sleep,” he said. “Goodnight”

“Night,” Yoongi mumbled as he wiggled into his sleeping bag slightly hurt by the fact that Jimin hadn’t bothered to get into his sleeping bag and had slept on the bed instead. It was their thing to sleep together in sleeping bags during sleepovers pretending they were camping.

It’s my fault, Yoongi thought as a single tear trickled down his cheek.

Weeks later Yoongi was sat on the front seat watching Jimin’s play his chest heaved with pride over his best friend’s performance.

And then it happened.

Jimin kissed Alia albeit on the cheek in a swift moment and for some reason, Yoongi’s heart broke a little as he could hardly focus on the rest of the play until everyone stood up clapping.

The kids went backstage and returned after about half an hour but Yoongi kept waiting until Jimin finally appeared running towards him and his parents.

His parents kissed him and praised him and then Jimin hugged Yoongi.

“Did you like it?”

“You were amazing,” Yoongi said. “You were the best”

“Thank you Yoongi,”

They went to celebrate Jimin’s performance at Chuck E Cheese and then got pizza and Jimin’s parents agreed to let Yoongi stay for the night.

“So did you see the kiss?” Jimin asked.

“Yes,”

“It was on the cheek,” Jimin said. “So I didn’t mind”

“It wasn’t gross?”

Jimin shook his head no.

“Oh,”

Yoongi stayed silent for a few seconds hurt that Jimin had called their kiss gross.

“It’s late Jiminie,” Yoongi said. “We should sleep”

“But but we were supposed to talk all night,”

“I am tired,”

“Okay,”

“Goodnight,” Yoongi said.

“Night,” Jimin said.

They both got into their little sleeping bags and in a few minutes Yoongi could hear Jimin snoring but sleep didn’t come to Yoongi.

Yoongi felt he was being weird because he didn’t mind kissing Jimin.

Boys are gross, Yoongi told himself. You shouldn’t kiss boys he told himself again.

Jimin was right he thought. Boys shouldn’t kiss other boys.

Yoongi loved the piano more than he had ever loved anything ever in his life.

When his fingers hit the black and white keys, his eyes closed as he only heard the music he felt he was in another world. A perfect world where he didn’t have to worry about anything or anyone.

It was just Yoongi and his music.

His peace was disturbed when he heard a slam of the door. Yoongi’s eyes opened as he turned around to find Jimin walking towards him.

“Knew I would find you here,” Jimin said with a grin.

“Jimin,” Yoongi smiled.

“I heard some of what you were playing,” Jimin said as he took a chair and sat on it. “Sounds amazing”

Yoongi looked down turning a little red. Compliments always made him a bit shy.

“It’s just a song I’m working on,” he mumbled.

“Can I hear it?”

“Not yet,” Yoongi said. “I have to work on it”

“Oh all right then,”

“Aren’t you supposed to be at dance practice now?”

“Canceled,” Jimin said leaning back.

“Why?”

“Miss Jenkins couldn’t make it today,” he said. “She twisted her ankle”

“Oh that sucks,”

“Yeah,” Jimin said. “That’s why I decide to come here and bother you”

Yoongi laughed.

“Also,” Jimin said. “Victoria asked me out today”

“What?” Yoongi asked.

“Yeah,” Jimin said.

“What did you say?”

“We are going to the movies tonight,” Jimin said.

“Tonight,” Yoongi asked.

“Yeah,” Jimin said.

Yoongi just nodded not wanting to remind Jimin that tonight that they had decided to check out this new video game that had come out. He was looking forward to it all week but he didn’t have the heart to ruin Jimin’s date. So he didn’t say anything.

“Are you gonna kiss her?” Yoongi asked.

“Depends,” Jimin said. “I still don’t know if I like her that way”

“Okay,”

“I heard that Kayla has an eye on you,” Jimin said.

“On me?”

“Yeah,” Jimin said. “She likes you”

“Oh,”

“What? Won’t you do anything?” Jimin asked.

“Nope,”

“Why not?”

“I am not interested,” Yoongi said.

“In Kayla?”

“No,” Yoongi said. “In dating”

“You are 16,” Jimin said. “And you have never had a girlfriend yet”

“I don’t mind,” was all Yoongi said.

They had this conversation a lot before about how Yoongi never dated anyone. Even when Jimin tried to get him to date one of his friends or some girl had developed a crush on him. He would just say no without any coherent reason.

Frankly, Yoongi hadn’t changed a lot from when he was a kid. He was still quiet and liked staying alone and he had only Jimin who was his friend and a few music kids that he talked to. All of Jimin’s friends were too obnoxious for him. Too loud, too fake but now they didn’t really target Yoongi because Jimin had sort of a reputation in their school and they were only nice to Yoongi because he was friends with Jimin. So Yoongi only kept up with them for Jimin’s sake.

“Are you done practicing?” Jimin asked.

Yoongi nodded.

“Let’s go home then,”

They got into Jimin’s car and he drove Yoongi to his home.

“Hope your date goes well,” Yoongi said as he left the car.

“Yeah bye,” Jimin waved smiling.

Yoongi waved back as he went inside his house.

“Hey honey,” his mom said as she saw.

“Hey, mom.”

“I thought you were gonna be at Jimin’s,” his mom said.

“Oh he had to take care of something,”

“Okay,” she said.

“Mom, are you going out?” Yoongi asked as his mom was dressed in a much fancier way.

“Yeah,” she said. “Your dad just surprised me with tickets to this play”

“Oh that’s nice, have fun,” Yoongi smiled.

“Thanks, honey,” she smiled. “While we’re gone why don’t you get that blonde kid from your music class to come over… what’s his name?”

“Namjoon,”

“Yeah invite him over,” she said. “He is such a nice kid”

“I’ll see if he’s free,” Yoongi said.

Yoongi texted Namjoon and almost immediately got a response saying that he was totally down to beat Yoongi in some video games.

Yoongi was a little glad that he didn’t have to spend the evening completely alone.

Namjoon came soon and the two boys didn’t take long to start playing and Yoongi would beat Namjoon very easily resulting into a very disappointed Namjoon reminding Yoongi too much of Jimin. It had been days since they had sat down and played games.

Just then Namjoon got a call and he picked it up talking in a hushed voice his hands covering his mouth. Yoongi was slightly curious.

“Who was that?” he asked.

“That was my boyf-girlfriend,” Namjoon corrected himself but Yoongi was too quick and noticed.

“You said boyfriend,”

Namjoon sighed.

“Yeah that was my boyfriend,” he said.

“Oh,”

“I get it you probably don’t want to see me anymore,”

“What?”

“I get it, trust me,” he said. “No straight guy wants to be caught hanging out with a guy”

“Namjoon…”

“I should just…”

“Listen,” Yoongi said. “I am not homophobic okay. I don’t care if you date any gender”

Namjoon looked like he didn’t expect Yoongi to say that.

Yoongi continued.

“I like you because you’re cool and you like music and you are quite nice,” Yoongi said. “You dating boys isn’t gonna change that and frankly, it is none of my business”

Namjoon’s face changed into a smile.

“Sorry,” he said. “I was too quick to judge but I have bad experiences before”

“I get it,” Yoongi said. “They are jerks”

“Yes, they are,” Namjoon agreed.

“Who is your boyfriend?” Yoongi asked. “Do you mind telling me?”

“He’s a senior,” Namjoon said turning scarlet. “His name is Seokjin”

“Oh, I know him,” Yoongi said.

Seokjin was one of those ridiculously good looking seniors that girls loved. When Yoongi had first seen him he was a little overcome by how handsome he was. Even though girls adored him he would never so much as even glance at them leading most people to believe that Seokjin felt he was too good looking for the girls in the school.

But now Yoongi knows why.

“For how long?” Yoongi asked.

“About a year now,” Namjoon answered.

“Cute,” Yoongi said making Namjoon laugh.

“What about you?” Namjoon asked. “Girlfriend?”

Yoongi shook his head no.

“I don’t feel like dating anyone,” he said in a way that was convincing enough for Namjoon to not ask him any questions and Yoongi was particularly grateful.

“I should leave now,” Namjoon said. “I have to meet Seokjin”

Yoongi grinned a little.

“Enjoy yourself but don’t get too freaky”

“Yoongi,” Namjoon whined turning red and Yoongi just laughed as Namjoon left him all alone in the living room and then Yoongi let out a little sigh because now he was alone which meant he would start thinking and that was something that he had been running away from.

He was 16 and he had never felt so confused in his entire life.

He had begun noticing that when he had turned 13 boys around him had only one thing in their mind and that was girls.

They talked about girls and had crushes. They were fascinated by the bizarre creatures that were women.

But not Yoongi.

He didn’t have a stash of magazines with scantily clad girls nor did he ever had the slightest interest in watching porn like everyone else (including Jimin were so into)

He didn’t want to impress girls nor kiss them.

To put in simple words he just didn’t want anything to do with them.

At first, Yoongi didn’t take much notice but now he felt he was a freak for not liking girls. He didn’t want to be one so he tried his best as he looked at pictures of naked women and porn on the internet but he felt nothing at all.

At that point, Yoongi had just given up but the thought that he was weird but it still bothered him in the back of his mind. He felt like he never past his girls are gross phase. Especially now that even Jimin wanted to set him up with girls but he didn’t find himself having even the slightest interest in dating any of them.

Maybe he still hadn’t found the right girl that would turn his whole life around the moment he saw her walking down the street and he would fall in love and live happily ever after.

Yoongi at least hoped that was the case.

His phone buzzed distracting him.

It was Jimin

‘Hi’

‘Hey’

How was the date?

We made out

For real?

Yup, it was quite fun

Where are you now?

Victoria’s, her parents aren’t home

WHAT

Chill, her parents own some good whiskey and we decided to get drunk

Uh fine. But it’s a school night

Yoongi, learn to live a little

Yoongi decided not to reply leaving Jimin on read as he went upstairs and finished his homework before eating a dinner of microwaved lasagna and then watching Netflix until his parents got home and he went to bed.read as he went upstairs and finished his homework before eating a dinner of microwaved lasagna and then watching Netflix until his parents got home and he went to bed.

That night he saw a dream. It was very vivid. He was standing in a field wearing a white shirt and jeans and on the other end was Jimin dressed identically and suddenly they were running towards each other until they fell down on the ground and Yoongi was on top of Jimin looking into his eyes and for a moment he could hear Jimin’s shallow breaths until Yoongi pressed his lips onto Jimin’s kissing him softly and feeling Jimin’s soft hands on his face.

Yoongi felt like he was in heaven not caring at all as he kissed Jimin when he was woken up by the obnoxious sound of his alarm.

He sat up scared and sweating over the dream he had. The worst part was this wasn’t the first time. But for his own sanity, Yoongi had convinced himself that every teenager had dreams of kissing their best friend one time or another even though he was pretty sure they didn’t.

Not pondering it over too much Yoongi showered and brushed his teeth and ate a breakfast of toast only to get a text from Jimin telling him that he won’t pick up Yoongi, so Yoongi took the bus to school instead and reached just in time for his first class.

Yoongi didn’t see Jimin until lunch time and then he spotted him sitting next to Victoria laughing with all of those loud obnoxious people that Yoongi never liked.

Yoongi almost turned around to leave when Jimin began waving at him.

Yoongi reluctantly went up to the table and saw Kayla stiffen.

“Hey,” he said.

“Sit with us,” Jimin said

Yoongi looked at all of their faces and everyone except for Kayla and Jimin didn’t look happy on seeing Yoongi.

“I… have to like catch up with the music kids,” Yoongi said. “See you later”

Jimin nodded and Kayla gave him a little wave as he left. Maybe Kayla wasn’t that bad and he would have dated her if he liked girls Yoongi thought.

Yoongi decided to sit with Namjoon and his friends that he briefly knew.

Hoseok who was also a junior like Yoongi was a loud but nice hearted kid and Yoongi found him too much to bear sometimes but he still liked him. Taehyung was a sophomore and Hoseok’s boyfriend as Namjoon had told him since Yoongi didn’t mind gay people. Lastly, there was Jungkook the shy freshman who always had very little to talk.

They were also joined by Seokjin who was probably the nicest person Yoongi had met in their school.

Every time Jimin was a little too busy Yoongi hung out with Namjoon and his friends instead and he liked them a lot.

Yoongi was glad he had found his little group of friends.

It had been 4 months since Victoria and Jimin had started dating.

4 months of Jimin acting stupidly in love and having little to no time left for Yoongi and Yoongi have persistent dreams of him kissing Jimin to the point that it was worrying him.

He was currently sat in his bedroom his laptop open as he typed in

Am I gay?

A million results of quizzes and people asking the same question popped up and for a moment Yoongi felt relieved that he wasn’t the only one who questioned his sexuality,

Though Yoongi was convinced he couldn’t be gay,

He shut his laptop and lied down on his bed slowly falling asleep.

He was awakened only when his phone was ringing too close to his ears.

It was Jimin.

Yoongi picked up.

“I called you 10 times,” Jimin yelled.

“I was asleep,”

Jimin sniffed.

“Jiminie are you crying?”

“No,” Jimin croaked.

“Yes, you are,”

Jimin didn’t reply.

“Where are you?” Yoongi asked.

“At Jefferson Park,” he said.

Yoongi immediately cut the call and grabbed his jacket heading to the park which was about 15 minutes away from his home and he managed to find Jimin sitting on one of the swings.

“Jimin,” Yoongi said.

Jimin hugged him and began crying dampening Yoongi’s shirt.

“What happened?” Yoongi asked.

“Vic…Victoria”

“Huh?”

“She cheated and we broke up,”

“Oh,” Yoongi said rubbing Jimin’s back as he cried.

“Shush, it’s gonna be fine,”

Jimin sniffed his head buried into Yoongi’s chest and Yoongi couldn’t help but think about the countless dreams he had where Jimin was cuddled up to him.

“No one loves me,” Jimin said.

“I do,” Yoongi said.

Jimin looked up from his teary eyes and then out of nowhere kissed Yoongi and then they both realized what had happened.

“I…” Jimin said and then got up running away from Yoongi leaving him alone wondering what in the actual fuck had happened.

Yoongi too made his way to home more confused than he had ever been because he just had his first kiss with his best friend and he had liked it but was he even gay? Was Jimin gay?

Yoongi’s head was hurting and he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next day was Sunday and Yoongi decided to meet Namjoon at a café.

They both got their coffees and sat down.

“So,” Yoongi said.

“Yes,”

“Jimin kissed me yesterday,”

Namjoon almost spat his coffee out.

“What the…”

“Yeah,” Yoongi said. “He broke up with his girlfriend and he was crying and he kissed me”

“Then?”

“He ran away,”

“Oh.”

Yoongi sipped his coffee.

“Namjoon,”

“Yeah,”

“I have a question,”

“What?”

“How did you know you were gay?”

Namjoon looked a little taken aback.

“I just knew because girls weren’t as appealing and I found myself looking at boys and then after meeting Seokjin I just knew that I was um gay,”

“Oh,” Yoongi said. “Because I think I am gay”

“WHAT”

“Yeah,”

“Because Jimin kissed you,”

“No, I never liked girls,”

“So you like boys?”

“No,”

“How does that make you gay?”

“I like Jimin,”

“Like as in like?” Namjoon asked.

“Yeah,” Yoongi quietly answered. “I think…I think I do”

“So you liked the kiss?”

“Considering it was my first kiss it wasn’t that bad,”

“You never kissed someone until yesterday?”

Yoongi shook his head no looking down as he felt Jimin’s lips on his and just how many emotions he had felt at that time.

“Is Jimin gay?”

“No,”

“Then why did he kiss you?”

“I don’t know,” Yoongi answered.

“Did you guys talk after that?”

“No,” Yoongi answered.

He was too scared to text Jimin.

“You should,”

“Yeah,”

“Damn out of all people Min Yoongi was the last person I thought could be gay,”

“What makes you say that?”

“I don’t know,” Namjoon said as Yoongi checked his phone and his heart flipped a little when he saw Jimin had texted him.

“Jimin told me to meet him at Jefferson Park again,”

“Go,” was all Namjoon said. “You need to figure out what’s happening”

Yoongi nodded as he got up leaving the café and walking to the park. Since it was a bright afternoon the park had a lot of kids and Jimin was sat on one of the benches.

Yoongi walked up to Jimin.

Jimin forced a smile as Yoongi sat next to him.

“About yesterday,” he began. “I am sorry Yoongi”

Before Yoongi could say anything he continued.

“It was just me being emotional. I didn’t mean to kiss you. It just happened,”

Yoongi nodded.

“You are my best friend Yoongi,” Jimin said. “And a boy and it’s just I didn’t mean it like that”

“I am sorry,” he said again.

“It’s…its fine,” Yoongi said.

Jimin smiled and then hugged Yoongi but Yoongi pulled away quickly because the last thing he wanted was Jimin to touch him.

“I…,” he said. “I have to go, piano practice”

With that, he walked back home and locked himself in his room before he let a few tears slip because he had come to the awful realization that he liked Jimin more than he thought he did and that he was definitely gay.

But he knew Jimin didn’t want to kiss boys.

.

2 months had gone by since Jimin and Yoongi had kissed and things weren’t the same at all.

Victoria and Jimin had got back together and he had asked her to prom. To distract Yoongi from this sad news Namjoon and Seokjin took him to a gay bar using fake IDs but that ended as a disaster because Yoongi was an emotional drunk who cried about Jimin to random strangers.

Jimin and he barely talked anymore and they were like strangers now which hurt Yoongi because the last thing that he had thought that he would lose his best friend. Even his mom noticed but until now Yoongi had successfully managed to evade any kind of question about Jimin lying about why they barely hung out anymore.

But the damage was done.

“There are so many other boys Yoongi,” Seokjin said to him.

But they weren’t Jimin, Yoongi thought. He only liked Jimin.

He watched with a heavy heart every time he saw Jimin and Victoria around school or at places making out because it reminded him too much of the kiss that he so desperately wanted to forget. He was being stupid because Jimin looked like he was loving life being with Victoria and Yoongi probably never crossed his mind.

It hurt him to think about it but he had to learn to live with it.

He had even decided to not go to prom but since Namjoon and Seokjin forced him to he decided he would do it only for their sake and made an effort to get a rental tuxedo for the special night.

They had all piled up in Seokjin’s SUV with Hoseok and Taehyung sitting in the back and Yoongi sitting with Jungkook who wasn’t the quiet boy he used to be when Yoongi had first met him. Now they talked a lot and Yoongi really liked the boy and how he talked about his dreams to Yoongi that he would only ever confide with Yoongi. He liked the fact that the younger saw him as an older brother.

They reached the venue and Yoongi sighed with a heavy heart bracing himself to see Jimin towed with Victoria dancing.

They walked in and people were already dancing though there was no sign of Jimin yet as Yoongi leaned against the wall sipping punch.

Beside him, Namjoon and Seokjin stood close though they weren’t dancing because they still didn’t want anyone in their school to know nor did Taehyung and Hoseok who were simply content with holding hands in a discreet manner.

Just then Jimin walked in looking as breathtaking as ever his recently dyed blonde hair styled to perfection and his arm around Victoria.

Yoongi looked away and Jungkook gave him a concerned look but he managed to smile and sip his punch.

He looked again and Jimin and Victoria were dancing a little too closely gazing into each others’ eyes dreamily and Yoongi’s heart broke just a little as he saw their foreheads touch and Jimin smiled.

Yoongi had enough as he walked out of the venue and straight to the small lawn and sat down on the cement benches. He was alone except for a couple who were making out and Yoongi was pretty sure they didn’t even notice him as he sat down wallowing in self-pity and sorrow. Coming to prom was a very bad idea. He couldn’t wait to get home.

Just then he felt a tap on his shoulder.

He expected Namjoon or maybe even Jungkook but he was more than surprised when it was Jimin.

“Yoongi,” Jimin said.

When Yoongi didn’t say anything Jimin’s face fell but he sat down next to Yoongi anyway.

“Why are you here?” Yoongi finally asked. “Victoria must be inside waiting”

“She can wait a little longer,” Jimin said.

“Do you have something to say?”

“Yes,”

“What is it?”

“I miss you, Yoongi,”

There was a long pause.

“I miss you too,”

“Why can’t we be like before?”

“I don’t know,” Yoongi said in a hushed voice.

“I know,”

“You do?” Yoongi asked.

“The kiss,” Jimin said. “It changed something”

“Yeah,”

“I think we both know that,”

“Yeah,”

“The kiss taught me something,”

“What do you mean?”

“I am saying that the kiss changed what we have,”

“We barely talk,” Yoongi said.

“Not just that,” Jimin said.

“Huh?”

“When I kissed you Yoongi, I felt something a spark inside my stomach. It’s something that I’ve never felt when I kissed Victoria or any other girl,”

“So you don’t regret the kiss anymore?”

“No,”

“Why not?”

“It told me something that I was too scared to know,”

“What?”

“I like you Yoongi,”

Yoongi could feel himself getting angry.

“Stop joking Jimin, it’s not funny,”

“I mean it Yoongi,” he said in a calm voice. “I like you in a way that I would like to date you and kiss you”

“What the…”

“Can I?” Jimin asked. “I am sorry but would you give me a chance”

“Are you being serious?”

“Yoongi, I always hid from who I truly am and after that kiss, it became harder to escape from it because all I could think about was that kiss we had and how much I wished we could do it again,”

Yoongi couldn’t reply anything.

“I am gonna kiss you,” Jimin said. “Tell me if you don’t want to”

Yoongi instead just leaned in and kissed Jimin and he could feel Jimin smile as they kissed and Yoongi could feel a fire burning in the pits of his stomach as he never wanted to stop but they did now their foreheads touching as they smiled.

“I like you too,” Yoongi said.

“Wanna go inside?” Jimin asked. “It’s cold here”

Yoongi nodded.

“We can dance too,”

“But…”

“I don’t care what they think about me,” Jimin said. “Not anymore”

Yoongi who smiled grabbed Jimin’s hand and walked in his heart fluttering just a little.

He finally had an answer to the question that he had always bothered him.

Boys can kiss boys.

[imaginekon]

☯ Just in Time pt. 2 // Jinhwan Two-Shot

Title:  Just in Time pt. 2 (pt. 1)

Pairing: Jinhwan x Reader

Genre: Soulmate AU, Romance, Slight Angst

W/C: ~5,300

A/N: IT IS FINALLY DONE THIS TOOK ME FOREVER BECAUSE I JUST HAD SUCH A WRITERS BLOCK WITH THIS FIC. I know so many waited for this, it’s 3 am i am so tired please give it some love so i can go to sleep in peace and don’t mind grammatical errors, i’m too tired to deal with it right now. i will edit tomorrow i promise. 

of course i tag my beautiful @hwan-tastic and also @jinhwanists because i know i promised you a while ago i’d finish this. 

thank you for reading, ily.♥

- moyo

2 days had passed.  

134 missed calls, 269 texts and probably a hundred knocks at your door. All from Jinhwan. You hadn't seen him ever since, it already felt like it had been weeks ago when you had met him for the first time. It was hurting so much and it was mostly your own fault for falling in love with him.  

You had spent your past 2 days crying until you had no tears left anymore. Was it stupid? Yes. Did it make you stop? No.  

Those 2 days didn't make such a difference anymore, in a month all of this would be over anyway, right?

You couldn't help but remember all those stories your mom had told you about soulmates, that person who was connected to you through a string of fate and once in your life you would be able to meet this person and spend your happiest memories with them. It was something that made your heart tingle in anticipation because you had thought one day, something as magical as that would happen to you, too.  

You laughed bitterly, who would have known that it would end up like this. There was still so much you wanted to do with him, you hadn't even held hands yet and it was already close to being over. It wasn't fair at all.

"Y/N..." So lost in your thoughts, you hadn't even noticed a presence in the room. Jinhwan was stepping forward, nothing but concern imprinted in his eyes. You didn't know if you were extremely heartbroken to see him like this or just relieved since he was there.

You suddenly felt a haze of calmness surrounding you.  

"You stupid girl.” Jinhwan murmured before embracing you with his warmth. He didn't let go for a while and you were thankful, closing your eyes and just inhaling his scent that was so tranquil, it automatically put you at peace.

"I'm sorry." He apologized quietly. You didn't say anything. You didn't have the energy to explain to him why he shouldn't do this and that it'd only make it harder to say goodbye in the end. Instead, you pushed away every possible thought and just enjoyed the warmth that went from his hand into your heart.  

"I'll make you something, alright? Do you have something at home or should I go--"  

"No!" You desperately held onto his hand, "I mean you don't need to get anything. I have everything at home." Just stay with me for a bit longer.  

Jinhwan ended up kissing your forehead, seeing right through your secret desires. "I will just order something. How about a coffee until then?" You nodded with a smile, "I'd like that."  

"How did you even get in here?" You asked Jinhwan after you had almost devoured the bowl of noodles, you hadn't even realized how hungry you actually were, feeling much better now with a full stomach.  

His cheeks suddenly took on a much darker shade and he laughed sheepishly. "Your neighbor was so annoyed with me that she let me get into your balcony from hers."  

"You mean that grumpy girl from next door?" You couldn't hold back your laughter, "She never talks with me and gives me these sullen glares! I thought she hated everyone!"  

"Well, I didn't say she liked it -- Or me -- Or that she invited me to come over. She was just really.....mad and I somehow ended up in her balcony..."  

It was so amusing seeing him getting all embarrassed, you were almost crying from laughter. It was so hilarious imagining the scene in your head. You couldn't believe Jinhwan got her to do this for him.

"What was I supposed to do? I was so upset and worried about you! You didn't even answer to my calls and I'm pretty scared of heights, you know?" Jinhwan grumbled, "And after all this I can't be even mad at you...I'm so glad you're okay."

You let out a deep sigh, just now you realized that he was hurting just as much. "I'm sorry." Was all you could say, feeling a burden of guilt on your chest. "And thank you, Jinhwan. Really." You timidly took his hand into yours and interlocked every single finger with each other. They were pretty. You never knew how reassuring it could be just to hold someone, it suddenly made you feel all tired from the past days.

"Let's watch a movie or something." You suppressed a yawn before you put the dishes into the sink. You still wanted to spend some time with him even if that meant you had to give away some of your sleep.  

"Aren't you tired? I will stay until you fall asleep if that's what you're worried about. I won't leave just yet." It was funny how he had seen you about 4 days ago and already knew you so well. On second thought, he was your soulmate, so what did you even expect.  

You let out a relieved sigh when you felt his arms around your slim waist and turned around to meet the probably most beautiful eyes you had ever looked at. They were shining as bright as the stars in the sky. Just that they were prettier.  

"I didn't mean it when I said I never wanted to meet you. I wanted to but I was just so scared," Jinhwan rested his head against your own and you could feel his tender heartbeat against your fingertips. It was comforting. Soft and serene like his voice. "I..."  

"You don't need to say anymore. I understand." Your hands found their way around his neck and they fit so perfectly there, as if they were only made for him. Your lips connected with each other and just like the first time he had kissed you, your entire body reacted and you felt lightheaded; somewhat drunk from the connection.  

This kiss was so different though, it was more fierce and passionate, more... sad.  

"If we don't stop now, I don't think I can control myself any longer." Jinhwan breathed heavily. "It's okay..." it's not like we have that much time.

"No, it's not. I won't do anything just because of our circumstances. I don't want you to feel like you have no other choice."

Before you knew it, he had already pulled away, much to your disappointment. Although you knew he was right.

"Okay mom." You took his hand when Jinhwan squeezed it lightly before leading you to the bedroom he had found you earlier. It was funny what a mess you were just a few hours ago and now you felt like a different person, all thanks to Jinhwan.

"Thank you." I love you. You mumbled against his chest. The sound of his heartbeat resounded in your ears and like a beautiful lullaby, it put you to sleep.

"Thank you for letting me find you." Jinhwan whispered and if you weren't so close to sleep in that moment, you would have noticed the tear that finally left the corner of his eye.  

The doorbell rang the next morning which pulled you out of your sweet dreams. A little grumpy on your feet you opened the door to meet Jinhwan and your face immediately lit up.  

"You sleepy head," he greeted you with a kiss on the cheek, "What do you wanna do today?"  

"Don't you have to work?" You scratched your head, yawning as you looked at the clock. It was already 12. This was the longest you had slept in a while.  

"I took a few days off." Jinhwan replied softly. There was something sad hinting in the back of his voice and you didn't really want to ask until when he didn't have to work. Instead you put your arms around his neck and pulled him closer, burying your face into the crook of his neck and inhaling his alluring scent.

"I'm glad you're here."  

Jinhwan embraced you just as tightly for a few seconds before he pulled away with a wide grin marking his mellow cheeks. "If you weren't I would have punched you with this," he held up a bag which had the logo of his cafe on it. "I brought breakfast." Jinhwan hummed and you thought that this day couldn't get any better.  

"You know what?" You said after washing the dishes. "All we did until now was eating."  

"And kissing" Jinhwan added and couldn't help but chuckle mischievously when he noticed the blush on your face. "Yeah," You cleared your throat, "I thought we could do something... like things I always wanted to do with my soulmate. I actually have a list but... I don't know if..." we can make it.  

"Get the list, we will do everything on it no matter if we have to lose sleep for it!" Jinhwan clapped into his hands as you got up excitedly and fished out the piece of paper you had written on a few years back, feeling the excitement to the bones of your fingertips.  

There were some things crossed out and some things you had added over the time. It was something that had always put you at ease when you were feeling low, like a happy pill and now where Jinhwan was indeed there to do all these things with you, your heart felt at peace.  

Jinhwan laughed as he went through the list and yeah, some things may have been a little bit weird but it were just ideas slapped together.  

"A parenting class Y/N, seriously?"  

You just shrugged in response. "What? I mean it could be fun. I could just pretend to be pregnant you know? I thought it'd be kinda funny when you're not really expecting a baby."  

"You weirdo," Jinhwan ruffled your hair, "but I like this one, going to the zoo sounds like a good idea."  

"Yeah! And near that is a forest which is supposed to be hunted! We could sleep there tonight, then we have 2 things to check off!"  

"A hunted forest?" His face immediately darkened, "Do you really wanna do that?"  

"Yeah!" You bounced excitingly, "I mean unless you're scared.."  

"No! Let's do it" Jinhwan didn't sound as excited, yet it wouldn't stop you from doing it. You wanted to do everything that you had written on the piece of paper, at least like that, you wouldn't have any regrets.

☑ Go to the zoo and become friends with the pandas <3

“He looks like you,” You giggled, pointing at a baby monkey who was desperately trying to get the banana from a tree. He was so smol.

“I’m not that small! Look I could actually reach that tree!” Jinhwan huffed.

“Yeah, because basically anyone could reach it.” You patted his head but stopped when you received a glare from the side. “Okay, you’re not thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat small. I admit.”

“I am not!” Jinhwan protested.

You couldn’t hold your laughter anymore, “That’s what I said!” And before you knew it, there was no smol cute Jinhwan beside you anymore. Okay, maybe you did exaggerate; but just a tiny bit.

After sharing some of your ice cream with him, he seemed to be in a better mood again but you didn’t dare to make any fun of him, not yet.

You couldn’t help squealing when you spotted the pandas on the high bamboos trees. “Aren’t they adorable?” You watched in awe while taking a hundred pictures of them. They were so big and cuddly.

“The only think they do is sleep and eat, just like you.”

“Wrong!” You glared at him, “I eat, sleep and then I eat again.”

Jinhwan chuckled before kissing the top of your head, “That’s my girl.”

☑ Sleep in the hunted forest and start a conversation with a ghost 

“Y/N, are you really sure you wanna do this?” Jinhwan uttered with round eyes, not getting out of the car just yet. You gave him a sweet, toothy smile, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Unless someone is too scared–”

“No! I’m not s-scared!” He stammered nervously before you asked him to make a fireplace while you pulled the car seats down to make a place to sleep on. With all the blankets it rather seemed like a cozy sleepover, not a night in a hunted forest.

“I still think it would have been cooler if we slept outside in the tent but I guess someone is too scared that he’ll get devoured by some hungry demons.”

“Pshhh! Don’t say that out loud!” Jinhwan looked around, sweating nervously, “What? De–” He covered your mouth with his hands and you thought you’d suffocate any second when he finally let go.

You couldn’t help your laughter, actually scared Jinhwan was much more fun than seeing anything paranormal going on in here. So far it just seemed like a normal forest, it was full of… trees.

In fact it was pretty calming when you listening to the crackling of the fire and soft rustling of the trees. Nothing weird going on. At some point you lied down and Jinhwan seemed to relax a bit more, too, hovering over you.

“So, are you scared?” You asked in a low voice.

“If you stop talking like that, then no, I don’t think so.”

You giggled. “Okay. I wanted to sound a bit seducing, didn’t know it would scare you.”

“You’re pretty,” Jinhwan unexpectedly whispered while sticking a strand of hair behind your ear. You suddenly felt really hot, maybe the fire wasn’t such a good idea after all.

His face came closer and your heart beat louder; you closed your eyes as soon as you felt his breath on your plump lips, anticipation building up in your tummy.

And then he started to screamed.

You rapidly opened your eyes when you met a distressed Jinhwan, waving his hands around. You automatically started to scream too. “What?! What happened???”

“Hey if you’re a ghost and trying to possess the body of my boyfriend, I will kick your ass!” You sat up straight, ready to fight whatever was coming.

“No, no! I’m Jinhwan,” he uttered after a few seconds, trying to catch his breath, “there was… a -- spider.” His face looked worse than a fully ripened tomato and you were so relived that you had to hold onto your racing heart beat for a second. “Thank God,” You breathed out.

A few more seconds passed. And then it was you screaming – from laughter.  

“I can't – even with you! I thought a ghost had possessed you or something!" You were almost choking on air, "You're lucky that I love you otherwise the date would have been over by now!"

"Say that again." Jinhwans expression immediately changed and you couldn't quite decode what it was. "You're a loser?"  

"No," He rolled his eyes at you, "the other thing..."  

"You're lucky?"

"Yeah, I'm lucky cause?"

It took you a few seconds until you understood what he was getting at and then you smiled, "I love you." It was much easier to say it out loud than you had thought in the beginning. "Why? Does that surprise you?"

"Yeah. I mean I guess I knew you kind of liked me in a way because obviously we are soulmates and all--"

"Jinhwan," You interrupted him, "I don't kind of like you and no, not because we're soulmates. You're sweet... and caring... and a tiny little bit handsome. You make me forget any pain and worry I'm going through and that absolutely frightens me because this, right now, it's not meant forever. I’m already so used to you that It feels suffocating to be apart from you."  

Everything was completely silent for a second, as if they were all listening to the painful reality that involved the both of you and you wondered why something like this had to happen – out of all people – to you and Jinhwan. It just wasn't fair.

"Me too," Jinhwan whispered before embracing you with his warmth. He felt colder than usual. "me too." He repeated.  

And like that, you listeneded to each other's heartbeat, thankful for every sound it made. It was a sign that you were still together, a sign that your love was still alive. Yeah, still.  

☑ Join a parenting class and pretend to be pregnant 

"I can't believe you convinced me to do this with you..." Jinhwan muttered under his breath when you were sitting in a big room full of people. Well, those people were soon-to-be-parents and you didn't know why you thought it was such a good idea to join a parenting class full of pregnant woman but hey, you got free snacks. "Psh, it's starting!" You hushed him before the instructor in the front started to talk.  

You were all sitting in a big circle and one by one, everyone started to introduce themselves until it was your and Jinhwan's turn. "Hey!" You greeted everyone excitedly, "I'm Y/N and this is -- my husband Jinhwan," you had to hold back your laughter because it felt so weird saying that out loud, "and we're expecting a baby... soon." There was a moment of silence before the instructor started clapping into her hands, "That's amazing! You're in your 12th week, right? I can see that cute belly sticking out."  

Jinhwan suddenly bursted out laughing just to receive a killing glare and a hard punch to his sides. He coughed loudly, "She's actually in her 5th month. That's why I was laughing, I'm so proud of her – for taking such good care of – it."  

"Aww! you're such a good husband. You know, that's the first step when your wife is going through pregnancy, be proud of her! I want you all to take a good example from Jinhwan and give your wife some courageous words, now!"  

"I know I always praise you baby but I'm proud of you for eating the entire pizza all by yourself yesterday!" Jinhwan expressed with over-joy before he kissed you on the cheek. You still hadn't stopped glaring at him; he was such a freaking meanie and the instructor? It was time to smash somebodies face. You put on your sweetest smile before shit was going to get real.  

"Oh my goodness," Jinhwan was still snickering after you were thrown out of the stupid building where the stupid class was in, "You were amazing! I wish I had filmed It!" It had been already 20 minutes. After he had asked you with concern if everything was okay, whereat you just nodded, he started holding his stomach and laughing like there was no tomorrow.  

"That's my girl," He hugged you after calming down, "and I love your belly, so don't mind what that woman was saying."  

"Stupid woman, if I may correct you."  

"Yeah, yeah. Stupid."

00 years 00 months 00 days 08 hours 23 minutes

It was already dark when you got home, silver moonlight glowing through the cracks of the curtain, making it seem like one of those beautiful nights. Tonight was sad. It was a night of goodbye but somehow you were thankful that at least from the outside, it looked like a perfectly beautiful lie.  

As soon as you entered your room, you pressed your small body against Jinhwan's and gave him a taste of all the feelings that lingered inside of you. He held you tightly, making you feel like you were safe in his embrace – as if he had the power to change the horrible fate that wounded you two.

His hands were soft, they connected with your cold body. His kisses were gentle, sweet just like himself. His heartbeat calmed you in a way no one else could. He made it seem like everything was going to be a okay – and just for minute – no, for a second – you believed him. You believed in the curing illusion of your mind and Jinhwan's tender kisses.  

It was only Jinhwan's mellow breath mixed with your soft whimpers resounding through the depth of the night, neglecting the fact that you wouldn't be able to do any of this in a matter of a few hours. There wasn't much time left and you hated the fact that you always remembered this. As much as neither of you actually spoke it out, you knew that he was thinking about it as much as you did.  

"Y/N..." Jinhwan was the first one to break the comforting silence, it almost made you cry when the warmth of him disappeared. "I don't wanna talk, not now...please." You nearly begged him, already feeling the anxiety crawling up your throat. He gave you another kiss, making you sigh in relief (they just seemed to blow every pain away).

"I just wanted you to know that I love you, sincerely, In every life, even if we are not soulmates. I would always choose you, no matter which fate we have to go through and may it be as tragic as this one." You had promised yourself to not shed one tear on your last day, it was hard enough the way it was.

 However, when a tears left Jinhwan's eye, the wall of lies you had built up so well in the past weeks, just shattered down. The worst thing about it was that you were the reason and that you couldn't do one thing about it. 

You couldn't really respond, you were trying too hard not to start crying. Instead, you pulled him even closer, holding onto his bare chest and letting your mind wander to all the beautiful and unforgettable moments you had spent with him.  

All you felt was pure joy and yeah, a little bit of heartbreak but it was a sweet one because after all Jinhwan loved you, although he knew you couldn't give him any more. You couldn't give him anything at all, except for the love you had for him. So instead of wasting any time, you kissed him so hard and so long until you thought you'd suffocate just from loving him and oh, how definite that actually was.  

You felt him on every part of your body and soul; he brought things to life no one else could. You could only give him love, wasn't it ironic that the only reason this horrible fate sealed you two was exactly because of that? Because you loved him? And yet, you couldn't stop. If that was your last day, you would give him exactly that.

00 years 00 months 00 days 2 hours 21 minutes.

You fell asleep to the sound of his tender heartbeat, not even noticing the fact that it would be the last time. There weren't any regrets left, maybe it was a good time to say goodbye. Maybe it was even perfect. Parting like that seemed better than if it was any differently; parting when you had the climax of loving someone before it could decrease.

And truly, you loved him, with your entire being and heart.  

"Hey now, it's time to sleep!" Your mom shooed you to bed before pulling the blanket over you with a gentle kiss on your forehead. It was only 8 pm but the only thing that made you listen to her were her heavenly goodnight-stories.  

"Mommy, tell me about the prince and his soulmate! You didn't even tell me the story last time!" You whined loudly until she let out a deep sigh, knowing that was her final signal of giving in. "Okay, okay, but if I hear one more peep out of you after I finished--"

"I won't, I promise!" You shut your mouth immediately and waited for your mom to begin.  

"A long time ago, there was a prince who ruled over a small kingdom far away from here. After his father had selfishly betrayed his people and was blinded by greed and power, the prince had decided to do the exact opposite of the kings' wishes. He had a very kind heart and was rather selfless, he took his folk seriously and cherished deep concern for every person that lived in their kingdom.  

On the day he obtained the power of ruling over the land, the first thing he did was giving the poor a piece of warm bread along with a valuable item of his castle. Every single one of them could choose an item of their choice. Crowds of people gathered that day, including the ones who were as greedy as the king once used to be, so the prince had one condition.  

For every item, there had to be a good reason. The rich and selfish people would lie and make up odd stories while the poor would be honest about it.  

One day there was a girl who didn't take anything but the bread. The prince was surprised, requesting a reason for her actions. And then she answered, ‘Seeing your kindness with the people is the most valuable for me, so I don't need any more than this, your highness.’ The prince instantly fell in love and asked her to marry him. It turned out that the prince and the girl were soulmates.  

He thought he was the happiest and richest person on earth for having such a wife. She was gorgeous; her eyes shined brighter than every star on earth, her smile was as colorful as the flowers that bloomed in spring and her pure heart mended the bitter ones on earth. There was only one thing, the lifespan on the princess' wrist didn't even seem half as long as the one of her husband's. It wasn't even roughly the same. Which meant that the prince didn't have as long to live anymore.  

He was ready to say goodbye and told his wife that he'd meet her again after she left this world as well. However on their last night, she sacrificed herself for him. Which means that she loved him so much that she exchanged her lifetime with his. The prince woke up the next day, finding her dead. There was a note from the princess which said that he had to keep ruling the kingdom and make it into an even greater one.  

He did as he got told and turned out to be the greatest and fairest who ever reigned.”

Pleasant rays of sunlight kissed your eyes awake as you met the white ceiling of your room the next day. It felt like a dream when you turned to the side, meeting the love of your life, your soulmate, Jinhwan. He was beautiful; he looked so pure sleeping like that, it made your heart jump. For a second you thought that maybe you were wrong, maybe it was all just a horrible nightmare and you and Jinhwan got the time you had deserved.  

However, when your hand connected with his skin to wake him, he was ice cold. He wasn't moving at all. You screamed his name, one time, three times, ten times, until you were a crying mess. On your wrist was your usual tattoo but there was something different. The lifetime, Jinhwan's lifespan.

00 years 00 months 00 days 00 minutes 00 seconds

It took you a few minutes to realize what had happened and you didn't even have to check his wrist to know that your fears turned out to be reality.  

"Jinhwan please!" you begged, shaking him with all the power you had. "You need to wake up, please, please, please!" Everything was a blur, your heart throbbing in your ears and the pain covering every inch of your body. This was not what you had ever wanted, it was worse than the fate which you had thought was supposed to happen.  

You lied down on Jinhwan's chest, holding tightly onto his cold hands with the hope that your warmth would flow into his body. Maybe it was just your imagination but somehow the sound of his heart was resounding somewhere far away. Because you knew it already by heart.  

Time passed. 

Season's changed. 

The marks on your wrist disappeared. 

And you lived happily ever after with your prince.  

"And the prince, he was not alone because after sacrificing herself, she got rewarded with her life. The only way to break their horrible fate was to sacrifice yourself; that's what true love is like: sacrifices you make for one another and shall you be rewarded for it. The lifespan's on both of their wrists disappeared for eternity and they lived happily ever after."  

The End.

Wait, not quite. 

"I wanna visit the hunted forest again!" You squeaked excitedly as you and Jinhwan lied on the couch. "Oh please Y/N, are you crazy? I'm not gonna set one foot into that ever again!" He snorted while pushing you away.  

"Oh pleaseeeee," this time you pouted, knowing that he could never say no to that. "I just love seeing you scream like that, not even I can make you do that. It gives me the feeling of power--" Jinhwan interrupted you with a kiss, "If you say one more word, I will make you scream so high until the neighbor's will knock at our door."  

"Okay, officer." You uttered faintly before Jinhwan got a hold of body and carried you to the bedroom, "I guess I have no choice, you wanted it to end like this."  

The End. Forreal this time.

--

Things i wanna do with my soulmate when i grow up 

□ Go to Disneyland together

Note: We couldn’t make it because everything was sold out. I will never watch micky mouse ever again! 

☑ Couple clothes shopping

Note: I made him wear those ugly but somehow cute animal overalls. He looked quite adorable as a smol monkey. 

☑ Make a pillow fort 

Note: It ended up quite differently than it should have but oh wellz :-D

☑ Watch a horror movie together 

Note: Never forget, Jinhwan woke the grumpy girl from next door LMAO

☑ Paint his nails and make him wear it for a week 

Note: That was the best idea i ever had

☑ Sneak into a movie without the tickets

Note: We got thrown out thanks to all the wailing mr. i’m-too-good-for-this-because-i’m-a-mommy’s-boy did

☑ Make a pillow fight

Note: Also, ended up quite... differently. Not that i liked it, no, not at all. Definitely do this again. 

☑ Harry Potter movie marathon

Note: mr.i-can-be-awake-all-night fell asleep after the 2nd movie

☑ Watch the stars

Note: Kind of, i just had to look into his eyes (why am i so cheesy ashakjdsh) 

☑ Make him coffee in the morning

Note: Don’t do this again, he threw up (it wasn’t that bad ???? i think...)

□ Go swimming at midnight when it’s cold 

Note: Someone knows no fun 

☑ Eat as many pizzas as you can

Note: No, don’t ever do this again. Someone called me pregnant. 

☑ Make him food

Note: I don’t think this was such a good idea too... he threw up again. Poor bby. 

□ Share cotton candy like in romantic movies

Note: I just couldn’t share, it’s mine, mine, mine. It was so good though. No regrets.

☑ Marry him

Note: I said yes, omg.

[tbckolkatablog]

Beloved Community Blog - Entry 12

More on village, and Ramsaday College, I am sitting in the lobby and Mr. Sarkar, Basedes’ 12 hour alternate, comes over and sits with me. For a while, he watches me write, and says, “We’re born, we live, and then we die. What’s the point?” He repeats the same question as I book up at him and listen. “What do you think, Mr. Sarkar? Ï don’t know, you tell me.” “I ponder not so much his question, but the fact that he, a low-paid worker, working 12 hour days, 7 days a week, is asking, earnestly, essentially, the meaning of life. Viktor Frankl, Vienese psychotherapist, imprisoned by the Nazis, wrote in his iconic text, Man’s Search for Meanng, that the meaning of life is the essential question of all humanity. Ï’ll have to ask Max to have a conversation with you. He loves philosophical questions,” I offer. “Yes, yes,"he smiles, pleased at the prospect of a philosophical conversation with Max. I want to hear more about yesterday’s visit to the village. My room off the lobby has become a kind of headquarters. Everyone stops by at some point or another when I am in the room. I tend to hole up there if I am trying to write. I love their stopping by, as I am getting to see and talk with each one rather frequently. Tom comes by early in the morning and brings breakfast. My favorite "stop-by” is around 3 a.m. when Jory gets up and comes to the room to write to his wife Karen who in New York time is just getting home from teaching school. When the kids drop by, I ask each one about the boy getting the chair; if he was happy? I was sorry to miss being there, but I see the pictures of his laughing. There is one picture with three thank-you notes to those who contributed to purchasing the chair, in addition to the troop’s contribution, itself. Today we are visiting Ramsaday College, an extension of the University of Calcutta, about 2-3 hours away. Sumit has a special connection with the College and tells us that we are invited by the music department - that they are interested in our village project and would like to find someway to take music to the village. I love the idea - I remember seeing on the Heroes series on CNN a few times when someone provided instruments in a favela or to some other deprived group of children, and made music happen. Sumit has ordered another many-seater van for our group of 14 with the 4 boys who live outside the Y (accompanying us everywhere). When the van arrives, a vinyl sign is spread across the front hood sporting Cameron ’s Beloved Community logo, and lettering that identifys the Beloved Community. Traveling to the College, we practice our Beloved Community theme song along with all the verses of We Shall Overcome. Sumit expresses the idea that the College would feel honored if we also sang their National Anthem. We convince him, however, that such a feat is hopelessly beyond our capacity. Arriving, we are greeted with students and faculty lining the walkway as we make our way to the building. To my dismay, the small theatre of the music department is on the third floor - up three flights. I hesitate and a few of the male students start to improvise a chair. As fast as I can, I assure them that I can make it with my stick and the railing. If I wasn’t so adverse to exercise, I would probably spring up the stairs by now. It’s been nearly a year since my hip replacement. At the top of the stairs, as we walk toward the theatre, we find ourselves celebrated, students dropping rose petals on our heads and each of us receiving wrapped roses, a small plaque commemorating our visit, and a program prepared for us. What talent in this small college - the singing, instruments, and, surprisingly, a message of music theory that joins head and heart. After enjoying the program, we are invited as a group to come up onto the stage. I am to give the audience an idea of the meaning of the Beloved Community, and the whole group is to sing. “The Beloved Community is made up of all those of good will,” I start, “who work for social justice, equality, and the well-being of everyone. It was articulated by Dr. Martin Luther King as the goal of the Civil Rights movement in the United States - to create among us and in the world, a community that is fair, loving, inclusive, just in all its ways, and works for the common good.” As I finish, I stand back among the group. We are next to sing the Beloved Community theme song. Fortunately, Heather steps out and addresses the people, “Please don’t think that we are professionals, as you are. We just want to share our Calcutta Children’s Project with you and have fun singing. But we are amateurs, and sing for fun.” I can only imagine if they had had an idea that we were a professional singing group, and then we started singing, that it would be all they could do to suppress insuppressable laughter. Tom plays his ukulele (Tom is a professional, though he disclaims such), and we sing the theme song and invite everyone to sing with us, We Shall Overcome. Sumit looks pleased. The announcer talks about the phenomenon of dance, and with Indian instruments playing, invites our group to fill the space between our first rows and the platform with dancing. I am sure an odd look falls across all our faces at the thought of getting up and performing dance. But Gabie, with Caleb right beside her, lifts from her seat, with grace and movement and begins dancing. Cameron follows, and one by one, each joins the others. The audience clapps and calls out with cheers. Many gather around the dancers and around me, still rooted in my chair. To the calls to dance, I finally stand up and move a lilttle toward the dancers, & tap my stick up and down to the music. Clapping and calling out, Ramsaday students and faculty pour out their approval. When the program finishes, we are surrounded with crowds of students as they escort us out. The star of the day turns out to be Krista. The fellows of Ramsaday are convinced that she is a movie star, and all want a picture taken with her. I am escorted by women faculty, one of whom wants to know all about the village project, and who is the driving idea behind wanting to take music to the village. Ï love the idea,“ I tell her. Others are pressing into me, so I can’t talk further about it, but Sumit will follow through. I must mention that all along, from our first considering a visit to the College, Sumit said that he had a surprise for me. I met the surprise on the walkway when we first arrived - his wife, a visiting scholar at the College while finishing her Ph.D.

[wildlyhardphilosopher-blog]

potty trained dog peeing in house | how to train puppies

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potty trained dog peeing in house | how to train puppies

Article Link Copied Paper training Inside Mercola.com Dog’s training is Carry Nichole’s passion since she was a little child. She takes a particular interest in dog training and well being. Her love for dogs and animals, in general, drove her to study and got certified in Veterinary Science. Wanting to put all she has learned in ways that can be easily understood and executed, she got interested in creating books and blog contents that teach strategies on how to train, care, and make pets the happiest possible. Additionally, she is also a happy mother. In her spare time, she enjoys playing with her dog and cats. You’ll probably bring your new puppy home when he’s between 8 and 10 weeks old, after he’s completely weaned from his mama. $16.71 Autoship & Save William Dog Psychology Tax ID: 23-7149453 Set a routine. Dogs are creatures of habit. By feeding your dog at the same time each day and offering regularly spaced walks and outside potty breaks, you can condition her to “go” at set times each day. Housetraining For Dummies Puppy Behavior and Training – Training Basics 1-800-672-4399 Sit and stay on cue in various situations, like waiting at the vet. 12. How To Feed Your Puppy Build on your dog’s “stay” skills with the Three D’s of training: But if you start small, restrict them to and potty train them in one area, then expand bit by bit, it’s easier for your puppy to associate the new area with their living space that they’re supposed to keep clean. Wrong Ways to Discipline Puppies When will my puppy be house trained BUY NOW June 12 -16, 2018 LIFELONG COMMUNICATION WITH DOGS Make a Schedule Art of Living with Your Dog Quiz: Do You Know the Ins and Outs of Mats & Tangles? Stop a Dog from Humping This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. 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Until your puppy has had its third set of vaccines, you should avoid areas where other dogs go or have recently gone, such as parks. It’s a good idea to discuss this with your veterinarian. If you follow this guide with patience, consistency and dedication, I can guarantee you’ll take both your puppy and yourself from complete beginners to house training aces as quickly and stress free as possible. PetFeed QDT TwitterQDT FacebookQDT Instagram This was not just a horrible thing to do to a puppy, it was also completely ineffective and puppies did not get house trained any quicker than they do today with kind modern methods. Dog training classes to make life easier But every puppy is different and their progress in having longer time between needed toilet breaks will vary too. HomeoPet (5) Our History AKC Magazines Earthquake Tracker Access to rugs or carpet (which are nice and absorbent – just like grass). Vance Joseph lost this team in the week following the bye – partly by showing them he had no idea how to properly prepare them to play week-to-week, and partly because he kept putting players on the field that other players knew didn’t have it. Can you respect and play hard for a coach when you finish your week of practice thinking That’s it? He thinks we are ready?. Back that up with seeing players on the field that consistently cost you field position or ball possession and you’ve got either apathy or mutiny depending on whether a player is interested more in his check or his team’s playoff chances. Unfortunately since Elway chose to keep the majority of the underachievers the Broncos seemed destined to repeat last year, probably with only a one or two game difference due to their easier schedule and uncertainties surrounding other division opponents. Not taking your dog out enough At first you are going to let the puppy see the food in your hand so that you will have her attention and can use it to guide her into position. As your puppy begins to comply more readily, you can start to hide the food in your hand, but give the command and repeat the motion or signal that she has learned to follow. Soon the puppy will come to expect the treat each time she performs the task. Then, signal and give the command, but when she performs the task, reward only with praise and give the puppy an affectionate pat. Next, you can begin to vary the frequency, giving praise with “good dog” and perhaps patting each time, but giving the food randomly, perhaps every 3 or 4 times. In time, the puppy should respond to either the hand signal or the command. Stop a Boxer Dog from Biting Clearance The only ways to deal with a dog that is this aggressive are to euthanize, manage, or educate — and McDaniel said the dog training school strives to educate in order to save canine lives. Where To Buy If you catch your puppy pottying in the wrong spot, you should simply clap your hands and say a firm ‘NO!’. You don’t want to shock and scare them, just loud enough to startle and get their attention. Most Popular Assessment Get Help for Migraine Relief Howdini the vet for even the simplest of Blue Cross Week 2018 Castor & Pollux Many owners appear disappointed that their young puppy will not toilet when out on a walk, yet relieves itself the second it gets back home. This is because the puppy has been taught to toilet only at home (hopefully in its garden), and being creatures of habit, they often wait until they have returned home before evacuating their bladder and/ or bowels. 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When I take her out she stops instantly then falls asleep, when I move her back again it repeats. This is only night 3 of having her, but its late, first night stayed up all night with her, second night left her outside the crate which meant mess in the morning and tonight it’s 00:49 hours. Any helpful advice would be appreciated. User Terms Symptom Checker The Ultimate List: Service Dog Schools With Adoption Programs I prefer to be contacted by: * Overview of Collections Our experts are available 24/7: Sherpa How much money have you already wasted on obedience training only to be more confused than you were before? Nothing is helping. You’re quite confident your dog is a dud, because he simply won’t obey you. $14.00 Keep Your Early Puppy Training Sessions Short Personal Development Click to choose the best training path for your dog! Once you have everything you need, you’ll want a secure location to train. Start indoors, and gradually move to outdoor locations with more distractions as your puppy masters the command. Professor Donaldson debunks a common myth about dog behavior. She discusses in depth the reasons dogs may have accidents and provides several ways to train your dog out of this behavior. She covers a number of techniques to curb common bad habits such as chewing and digging with distraction or alternatives. x Don’t Take our word for it. Advanced Agility Is cannabis safe for cats? And what sorts of ailments might it treat? Recall Workshop Four Methods To Choose From For House Training Your Puppy

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[identitynarratives2]

They Say Running Is Easy

My head hurt so much I could feel myself start to get light headed. It was just twenty minutes before I was told I had to run a mile in under twelve minutes.  I was lying on a nurses’ bed. That moment I knew I was not destined to be a runner.  In the seventh grade, I hated running. I hated going to gym class because I could not run fast enough to make my time in the “mile”.  

My gym teacher Mrs. Sekeley, called my parents telling them that I was going to fail gym class if I did not run under 12 minutes for the next mile test. When my parents got the phone call, they sat me down at the dinner table asking if I needed help with anything, as if they were suggesting I needed to go on a diet. Which I didn’t. I was 4’11” and ate like a bird about 5 times a day. I personally did not like to run and thinking about running while the whole gym class stared at me, made me feel sick to my stomach.

That day before I went to the nurse my parents sat me down and talked to me. My parents understood how I was feeling, so they just told me to push through it.

“What’s the worst that can happen? You get asthma? Or faint?” My step-dad asked.

Both he and mom burst into laughter which filled the whole house with their booming roars.  I smiled and nodded because they were right, what was the worst thing that could happen?

The following day I had to take the mile test. I pushed myself hard, I made sure I did not stop when I needed a break. I ran until I thought I was going to vomit. I pushed myself so hard that after my left foot crossed the finish line I ran over to the bleachers and downed my water so fast that after I was done I ran over to the trash can to vomit. My body felt like it was on fire. I reached up to touch my face and my hand burned from the heat. Next thing I knew, I was laying down on the nurse’s bed with several people hovering over me.

“She’s alive!” Mrs. Sekeley laughed while turning to my parents.

I squinted and held my forehead with my right hand. Mrs. Sekeley told my parents about what happened down at the track today. I was disgusted and honestly so livid I wanted to scream and cry. It was her fault I passed out! I told her a million times that I wasn’t able to run a mile! I wanted her to leave me alone and I wanted her to never let me run in her gym class ever again.

The day of the mile test, I realized I wasn’t a runner, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t an athlete. On the first day of ninth grade I saw a pink flyer that read “Volleyball tryouts Wednesday at 3 o’clock pm in the gymnasium”. As I read this my heart skipped a beat. Was I nervous or excited?

Without thinking I wrote my name on the top of the sign up sheet. Vivid memories from seventh grade filled my head but I quickly pushed them out. I cannot live in the past anymore, not after my trauma.

Wednesday at three in the afternoon,  I walked through the gym doors, set my backpack and water bottle on the bleachers and stood by a blonde haired girl. At the beginning of practice, the coach asked us to get in position while she spikeed the ball at us. It was my turn and I was extremely nervous. My face turned pink and sweat dripped down my back as my heart skipped a beat. I got in position where I squatted and leaned forward with my arms straight forward in front of me. Coach Marissa spiked the ball and I dove for the ball while getting the ball up to the setter. The coaches clapped congratulating me to the team. I smiled because I was relieved. I was having flashbacks about seventh grade gym class.

The coaches were extremely hard on the newer players. Especially me when I first joined. They could tell I wanted to be on the team. I stayed about an hour after practice just to practice my overhand serves and my digs. Digs were when someone on the opposing team would hit at you and you are able to get it up to either the setter or just up in general. Coach Marissa threw the ball into the air but caught it. I stood up and tilted my head to the side as my hair fell like a feather in the sky.

“Why’d you stop?” I asked reaching for my water bottle as I took a big gulp.

Coach Marissa walked towards me and gestured I would sit down while she grabbed something from the gym closet.

“I know you’ve been practicing hard for a couple of weeks and you’re only a freshman, but I think you would be a great libero on our varsity team.”

Coach handed me over a small pink jersey that smelled like fresh lavender.

“Are you serious?” I asked as I took the jersey from her hands and pressed it against my chest. Tears ran down my face as I smiled and she opened her arms and let me in.

Ever since my coach accepted me on the varsity team, I was working even harder than I was before. I wanted to show my parents that I worked hard for the position I play for. I need their reassurance because I wanted to feel accepted by them and I wanted them to be proud of me. I wanted to mean something to them. It’s not that I don’t mean anything to them, but for me to feel like I belonged in the family, I had to be someone or something. I needed this more than anyone right then.

One day on a chilly October afternoon, it was our rivalry game against Elk Lake. Elk Lake was winning, 23 to 22.  Us Montrose girls were getting very impatient and uncertain of our abilities. We were doubting ourselves so the negative energy was spreading and bringing the team down.

“Come on girls! You got it!” said coach Marissa.

I looked at the scoreboard and prayed that our team will do better. I clenched my fists together and looked around. The girl on the other team was next to serve. I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes.

“Please miss, please miss, please miss”, I whispered to myself.

The girl missed her serve and it went into the net. I jumped up and down as the team clapped our hands in sync. I was so excited! We still had a chance! It was my turn to serve. The whistle blew, I threw the ball into the air and smacked it so hard that I got an ace. I got the ball back and once again, I smacked the ball so hard I got another ace! It was my turn to serve again. I threw the ball into the air and smacked it so hard it echoed. It was out. Blood rushed to my head and my eyes were watering. I was upset. I shook my head and looked at my mom in the stands. She smiled and gave me a thumbs up. We had to win! The girl on the other team was up. She was a strong server, one of the best on the team. I got into position and eyed her up intensely.

“Come to me, come to me, come to me.” I whispered to myself.

The whistle blew, and I heard the ball leave her hand. It was coming right at me.

I called it, “Mine!” I screamed and dove onto the ground and got it up to the setter so the strong side could spike the ball down hard.

One of the girls got a dig from our spiker and the ball was coming back over. I dove for the ball again and got it to the setter. The setter panicked and pushed it back to me, I had no choice, I had to hit a ten ball. I stood straight up called the ball and hit the ball so hard it was definitely going out into the crowd. The girl on the other team hit it over but it hit our side of the ceiling. The crowd cheered loudly. We won! Us montrose girls jumped with joy! We were basically crying and the whole team surrounded me.

That day I realized I was an athlete. I belonged. I may not have been a runner, but I was a volleyball player. I knew then that no one could tell me who I was. I decided that for myself and with that, I was a volleyball player.

-Madison Clause