#i finally moved out and i feel safe. i can't really say much online but if you see this and are a patreon of mine i have a post&pause coming

[defiledtomb]

.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

the girl next door 30

Warnings: this fic will include elements, some dark, such as age gap, manipulation, chronic illness, noncon/dubcon, coercion, and other untagged triggers. Please take this into account before proceeding. It is up to curate your online consumption safely.

Summary: A new neighbour moves in and upends your already disarrayed life.

Author’s Note: Please feel free to leave some feedback, reblog, and jump into my asks. I’m always happy to discuss with you and riff on idea. As always, you are cherished and adored! Stay safe, be kind, and treat yourself.

This lewk but silverfox

Steve says your name again. You open your eyes, your ears ringing, your scalp on fire. Your world is over, if it ever really was. You reach up to touch your searing tears and smear them aside with your knuckles. 

"Sweetie, we haven't done anything yet. You can stay here with mom, I can get an annulment tonight. Then we can just see how far you make it." 

"Stop, please," you beg.  

"It's your choice. Are you going to take care of your mom or let her down... again?" 

"You're mean," you quiver.  

"I'm honest, sweetie, and I'm doing you a favor. How many others have tried to help? Not even family, huh?" 

"Please, I can't think," you touch your temples and sob. 

He sucks his teeth and taps the table. He stands and sighs as his hands go to his hips. He looms before he speaks again.  

"Fine, think about it. When you've made up your mind, put your bathing suit on and come enjoy the pool." 

He stares at you before he finally goes. You feel stuck and it's more than the pudding. The front door opens and closes and you languish as you are.  

His last words say it all. You both know your only choice. He knows you have to go along with him. That inevitability cannot make you move. Not right then.  

But you will. You have to. Not just for mom, but for you. To survive. 

You stand without thinking, entirely hollow. Your body moves without conscious effort. You go through the motions of existing. Breath in, breath out.  

You go to the bathroom and undress, vision a blur, the air thick and strangling. You pull on the still damp swimsuit, the bottoms twist and chafe as you shimmy them on, and the top seems even smaller as you knot up the front tightly. You turn without hesitation, head down, feet heavy, watching each step as if they are not your own. 

The sun beams down but you’re frigid. Goosebumps rise across your skin and shade ripples above as you walk around the fence and into Steve’s yard. As you get to the back gate, you’re dizzy. You have to keep going. Just like you always have.  

You can tell yourself it’s for your mom. It’s as much out of your own cowardice. And even if it is helping her, it can only hurt her too. He married her and yet he wants you. None of it makes any sense. 

You come into the backyard, blinking through dry, salty eyes. You waver on your feet as you stop and peer around the empty space. The pool trickles soft as the filter hum and birds cheep as if all is well. You glance at the deck; your mother isn’t there. 

Maybe you imagined it. Maybe you’re delusional. Just like in the hospital when you thought Steve said all that. Or had he? 

You walk stiffly to the edge of the pool and look down at your reflection in the crystalline surface. You inhale the pollen-laced air and for a moment see yourself falling into the water and sinking to the bottom. It would be so easy to never come back up. 

“Sweetie,” Steve’s voice startles you and you turn to face him as he crosses the lawn. “There you are.” 

He smiles and swoops his shirt over his head, “I was just putting your mom to bed. She’s not feeling well.” 

You bend your arm across your middle, rubbing your other self-consciously. He’s shameless as he looks you up and down. He steps out of his sandals and purrs as he comes closer. 

“That suit looks so good on you, baby,” he touches your bare shoulders and you shiver. Baby? “And off.” 

He winks as his eyes fall to your cleavage. You gulp and he traces the movement with his thumb before drawing away. He bites his lip and shifts on his feet, tugging at the top of his shorts. You notice how the fabric twitches. 

You’re disgusted. Not only by him but with yourself. You turn back to the pool and exhale, “can I get in?” 

“Sure, sweetie, do whatever you like,” he purrs as he lowers himself to sit on the edge, “water’s nice.” 

He pushes himself off into the depths and you peer down. You ease down and slip into the water, gasping at the temperature. You hug yourself. Steve moves towards you and you flinch. 

“Sweetie,” he warns as he reaches for you, “isn’t this nice?” He puts his hands around your hips as he wades closer, pulling you to face him, “mmm, you are so beautiful, you know that?” 

You squirm and look away. You should be flattered, you should feel good, he’s calling you beautiful, but you just feel dirty. Your lashes flutter and you make yourself look at him as his fingertips press into your flesh. 

“Thank you,” you breathe. 

“It doesn’t have to be... it can be nice,” he coaxes, “can I kiss you?” 

Your eyes widen and your cheeks turn hot, “I... never...” 

“It’s okay, I’ll be gentle,” he grits. 

You can’t talk. Your chest is all knotted up. You just nod. 

He trails his hand up your hip and along your stomach, brushing the curve of your chest as you tremble. He strokes your throat and grips your chin. He tilts your head up and you close your eyes. Your nose tingles, as if you might cry again. 

He shifts even closer and leans in. His hot breath grazes over you and he presses his lips to yours. His other arm hooks around you and he holds you flush to him. Your chest is crushed to his firm muscles as he curls his fingers into your side. He clings to you, his tongue tracing the crease between your lips. 

He hums and urges his way past your resistance. His tongue invades and you nearly choke. It feels weird; cool within the warmth of your mouth. He squeezes you tighter and turns you. You let him. You’re whatever he wants you to be. 

He pushes you against the pool wall. His hand drifts down your side and over your bottom. He feels along your thigh and urges your leg up, bending it around him. You take his intent and wrap your other one around his waist as he lifts you higher. 

He stays stuck to your mouth, suffocating you against the tile as his hand retreats and tickles along your side. It sends another chill through you as he drinks you in greedily. His touch crawls up between your bodies and he gropes your chest through the suit. You feel your nipple bud against his palm and squeak. 

He circles your rigid nipple with his thumb and purrs into you. His mouth slips across your cheek, smearing saliva along your flesh as the smell of chlorine wafts into your nose. You turn your head, breathless and he tugs at the knot in the bikini. It comes undone and you gasp. 

“Please,” you beg, “slow...” 

“I’m being slow, sweetie, promise,” he mutters against your cheekbone, stretching his hand over your naked tit. You whine as he squeezes, kneading as you begin to wiggle. You feel him prodding you between your legs. You let out another pathetic noise and push on his arm. “You feel so good.” 

“Steve,” you quaver, “please...” 

He hums as he continues to toy with you. You can’t stop him. You brace yourself against the pool wall and hide behind your eyelids. He slides down as your legs fall away from him, your body draining of any strength. He holds your waist as he comes eye level with your chest and buries his face between your tits. 

You whimper as he turns to nib and suck at your flesh, letting out snarls as he makes a path to your nipple. As he puts his mouth around the hard bud, it sends a frightening zing through you. The pluck in your core confuses you. You’re not supposed to like it. 

“Mmmm,” he sucks on you as his hand cups the other side of your chest, squeezing as he rolls your nipple between his teeth.  

His tongue swirls around and another tide courses inside of you. You open your eyes and look down at him. The sight stuns you. It’s intoxicating. Your body doesn’t feel like your own and yet it’s all very intense. 

He pops his mouth off and looks up at you, his face flushed and his eyes cloudy, “you taste so good, sweetie.” 

[superpowered-dirt]

i never post on here but i have so much in my head about twd: the ones who live i honestly feel like i might explode.

i know all anyone really wants to talk about from episode 2 is That Part of their reunion (which is fair, don't ask me how many times I rewatched it), but now, the part that keeps playing over and over again in my head is this tiny bit:

and i just need to say, danai and andy are so insanely talented bc this clip?? this clip—short as it is, with not a world of dialogue—says SO much about where our two characters are at.

first, rick. i watch this clip and i think holy shit, yeah, that is a broken man. andy does a masterful job at displaying through his eyes and the way he carries himself the extent of the psychological damage and anguish within rick, not to mention the guilt he carries. you can see the gears turning in his head as he reminds himself how he basically gave up on her. how he gave up on himself. how he told himself that he was done, he was never seeing her again, and let himself fold into the CRM. i think it's safe to say he hates himself for his choice to move on. he's utterly crushed by it. like look at him, he can't even meet her eyes!!

and michonne? she sees it. once the euphoria of I Found You has begun to wear off and she lets herself really take him in, she immediately clocks that this is not the same rick that "died" on the bridge. not the rick that led alexandria. not the rick that got them out of terminus. and definitely not the rick that stood up to the saviors. in fact, the last time she saw this version of him, it was right after the first time they ever lost to negan, and that horrifies her, because if that rick is back, then something truly terrible has happened. the look on her face in the clip says a million things, but most loudly, she's wondering, understandably and devastatingly, "my love, what have they done to you?"

the final clue for her that her rick is gone, at least for now, is their next interaction. since forever, both of their instincts anytime they've been told that something bad is coming their way have been to either hoof it for the safety of their family or stand back to back and dispatch the threat. it's the panic in his voice, the sheer desperation as he pleads with her to stand down instead and hide herself after she suggests they go that tells her she has no idea what he's been through or what she's in for now that she's in the shit with him. and even now, if the trailer for E03 has been any indication, she still fails to grasp the danger they're both in. i know what people online have been saying, but she's not being careless, this is michonne we're talking about, she just doesn't understand how careful she really has to be. and then throw jadis and her bitch ass bowl cut into the mix and suddenly a whole new threat looms over alexandria and the commonwealth that ultimately all comes back on rick too? the guilt he now has to face for not only dragging his wife into his mess, but through jadis, also his daughter and all his friends?? and if he finds out now that he has a son too, then there's even more guilt??????

i could go on for hours but i won't. all i'll say is that we're definitely in for such an emotional ride tomorrow. and really there's no one else i trust more than andy and danai to deliver that for us.

[frogofalltime]

Hi, could I ask you if you have any tips or advice for transmascs in the closet to friends and family??? Thanks :0

hello ! thank you for the question. this is going to be super long because i have lots to say about this and i'm incapable of being concise so i'm sorry about that :') i hope this helps even a little bit and please feel free to send more asks if you need anything else, clarification on what i mean, etc !! remember your identity is valid and important whether or not you are closeted. but i know it's extremely hard when you can't talk to anyone in your life or be yourself. you can always talk to me about it. and one day, i hope, you will be free to be whatever you want to be, without limits or restraints. for me personally, moving out from my parents' house has helped me discover who and what i am, and accept myself as trans instead of trying to fight it. i have so much freedom to dress and present the way i want, and i'm even on the waiting list for gender affirming care. i know it's not accessible for everyone to move out and live independently and gender clinics don't exist in a lot of places so i'm extremely privileged and lucky to have this option. i honestly expected to stay in the closet my whole life, and it was a pleasant surprise to finally be able to come out at least to some people. but no matter what, there is hope for your future, and i promise it gets better. hang in there <3

anyway, here's my advice !!

if it's safe to do so, if there's even one person in your life you are comfortable to come out to, it helps a lot. do you have any trans / queer friends you can talk to ? or someone you know would be an ally ? of course you absolutely Do Not need to come out to anyone ever, your safety is the most important thing, and it is entirely up to you. i didn't come out to my friends until i was entirely sure of What to come out as — i spent many years knowing i wasn't cisgender or heterosexual but i was afraid to accept it because of religious reasons and i was never sure how to tell people until i figured it out for myself. but it helped a lot to have one or two trans guys / nonbinary friends i could talk to even many years before i came out. i learned a lot from them. and the same with asexual and / or aromantic friends. knowing other people with similar experiences helps you to understand what you are and having their support helps a lot when you are closeted to everyone else.

in the UK and probably a lot of other countries it is being enforced that if children tell teachers or medical professionals about things like their gender identity it has to be reported back to their parents. so if you're under 18, please please please be extra careful about who you tell. when i had therapy the fact that a lot of my mental and physical issues were related to gender dysphoria was not even mentioned, even though it was so obvious. this is probably because my mother was always in the room during therapy sessions and they knew my family is religious so they didn't want to cause any problems. but i do kind of wish it had been discussed back then because i could have saved me a lot of mental illness and physical health problems that i still struggle with now. i wish i could have had some support and acceptance growing up, but unfortunately i didn't know anything about lgbtqia+ until i moved to england aged 14, and it took me a long time to accept myself as queer because of religious and cultural prejudice. i hope you're able to access more support and kindness than i was.

the fact that you're in my inbox means you're already in a queer space on the internet and that's really cool and important especially if you don't have that in real life !! of course be careful and exercise internet safety, but it's good to have an online safe place to be yourself and engage with the community. me and robin (@etherealspacejelly) are both transmasc with experience of unsupportive families and being closeted, and there are many more people like us on tumblr or elsewhere on the internet who are happy to share our experiences and help other people. community is so important and we have to look out for each other.

i also find it helps a lot if you refer to yourself using your pronouns and chosen name (if you have one) in your head and when talking to any trusted people. my brain can be really mean to me but i have become stronger at fighting it because of this. whenever the voices in my head are being unkind, they often use my birth name and call me a girl. but i know that i am not, i have so much evidence to the contrary, so it can help to shut them up. something i find really gender affirming is to tell myself "binya, stop procrastinating", "come on binya you need to eat", "binyameen get himself in the shower challenge", "guess who still hasn't done his homework", etc. when i am with my family, if i do this in my head it helps a lot, because they are always calling me by my birth name and she / her pronouns which doesn't feel right at all.

you can also tell people your chosen name is a nickname / username, or go by a shortened version of your name that sounds more gender neutral. i chose a boy name that is actually pretty similar to my birth name, so it's plausible that it would be a nickname that my friends call me. i used this method with my brother because in the summer i changed my name to binyameen on snapchat and didn't feel comfortable to come out entirely to him (i'm working up to it, and i know he will be accepting, i just don't feel ready). on instagram i kept my username as my birth name (to prevent people from asking questions / not being able to find me when they search my name) but i put my chosen name in the name box. so when i am messaging my friends it comes up as binya. an alternative option is to have your username as a hybrid of both names, or something random that doesn't involve your name at all, like how on tumblr i'm frogofalltime. but if i changed my instagram username now i feel like i would have to put my birth name in the name box otherwise people would say something, so i haven't done that.

idk if your family is religious or not, but if they are, that tends to make it a lot harder, so i'm sorry. if you also are religious, it helps a lot to find even one person or group online that is queer and of faith, and to remind yourself that God created everything to be fluid and evolving and not confined to boxes. we cannot categorise things that are inherently complex, and why would a loving Creator create something only to hate it and force it to conform or be punished ? i'm muslim, my faith is still very important to me, but i'm also a scientist and i believe in my own version of islam that is very personal and different to the mainstream. if something makes me uncomfortable i consider why that is and reconsider my beliefs. because i am not sure of anything but i know a lot of what i was raised to believe is not compatible with how the world and the divine feels to me. it helps to find my own way to practice my religion and worship God.

also, idk if you have this struggle, but my parents expect me to wear the hijab. i compromise this by wearing it as loosely as i can, or putting a hat or hoodie over my head (which feels a lot more masc). whenever i go to the masjid or any islamic gathering or event i dress appropriately and sit in the women's section but it does make me uncomfortable. in fact one of my flatmates is muslim and she has made multiple comments about how she's glad we have an "all girls" flat because she doesn't have to worry about covering up to go to the kitchen. this makes me feel uncomfortable and guilty because i don't know if she would be comfortable living with me / walking around in her pyjamas / with her hair out if she knew i was a guy. personally i didn't mind people seeing my hair when i wore hijab because i didn't actually want to wear it anyway. but i know my flatmate feels more strongly about it as she has mentioned this a few times, and i don't know what her opinions on trans people are, so i feel bad whenever i see her. i also had this issue a lot growing up when getting changed for PE at school. i would avert my eyes and try not to look at anyone because i didn't want to invade their privacy. so my advice is to find a compromise that meets your parents' expectations but also helps you to feel less dysphoric, and avoid looking at people's bodies if you can help it, in case that would make them uncomfortable.

use gender neutral toilets / changing rooms if they're available but don't feel bad if you have to use the women's. i certainly don't pass well enough to use the men's and i haven't been in a men's bathroom or changing room for like ten years so i don't feel safe going in there, especially because i'm closeted to most people. it's a lot easier to just go to the women's and try not to think about it. i think every place should have gender neutral toilets and individual changing rooms and showers, as this would be better for privacy as well.

if your parents want you to have long hair maybe you can look at images of men with long hair to make the dysphoria go away. lots of men have had long hair especially in other cultures and time periods. my brother (who is two years younger than me) had beautiful long black curls that he kept for four years before cutting it in september and he looked extremely handsome. if you have pinterest, maybe make a board and fill it with pictures of guys that you share traits with, it helps a lot in my experience.

talking about hair, if it bothers you a lot and you're allowed to without making anyone suspicious, i do recommend cutting it. having short hair has given me so much confidence in my identity and whenever i look in the mirror i see a boy much more often than i used to (although i did used to think i looked like howl pendragon or a prince from the olden days when i had longer hair, especially if i tied it back). i had to keep my hair long as a kid but from the age of 12 i cut it to chin length and kept it as short as possible although it was still a "girly" enough hairstyle to not upset my parents too much. then last year i shaved my hair off and donated it to charity because i moved out and my parents can't control me anymore. i explained why i did it later, but my mother got really upset and asked if i was lesbian, so i did have to partially come out to her even though i was absolutely not ready for that conversation. but i didn't tell her everything. so yea do be cautious and probably don't do something that extreme without permission. if you do want to cut all your hair off, you could explain beforehand that you want to donate your hair to a charity that makes wigs for kids with cancer, and maybe even start a fundraiser for it. if its for a good cause they might be more supportive; my father actually said it was a beautiful gesture that i donated my hair, and he wasn't upset / angry with me like my mother was.

as for clothes, if you live in the west or a country with less enforcement of gender norms, we are lucky to live in a society where it's relatively normal for women to wear men's clothes. i grew up in saudi arabia where there are strict rules about clothing — in fact everything is super gendered. or at least it was when i lived there, i know some things have changed in the past few years. anyway, women had to wear black robes and were encouraged to cover their heads and even their faces, while men wore white robes and if they covered their heads it was using a traditional cloth in a different style to women's hijab. we had to wear skirts or dresses at school too. i live in england now and it's a lot more relaxed here, and there's usually an option to wear trousers at school. i was sent to a girls school where almost everyone wore the skirt uniform so i wore one to fit in, but we were allowed to wear trousers if we wanted to. and in fact it's probably even more normal to see girls wearing jeans and baggy sweaters than to see them wearing skirts and dresses in everyday life. idk where you live, maybe you're in a country like saudi arabia, or maybe you have strict parents, in which case you may have to compromise for your safety. for example when i lived in saudi arabia i would wear trousers / shorts and a t shirt underneath my robes — i even went through a phase where i wore dungarees every day, which was a bit inconvenient when i needed the bathroom lol. you can also wear masc shoes with the excuse that they are comfortable, because they tend to be wider and a more practical shape.

for special events i do tend to wear a dress or traditional clothes from my culture just to avoid any conflict with my family. however it does make me feel very uncomfortable and i would prefer to wear a suit or even just my normal clothes if i could. i remember crying profusely before prom because i felt so dysphoric in the dress i was wearing, and having so many meltdowns about eid gatherings and weddings i had to attend for the same reasons. if your family is more accepting than mine maybe you can wear a smart shirt and trousers if you don't want to wear a dress, or if there's a traditional outfit in your culture maybe you can find a version that feels more comfortable and gender neutral. for example the pakistani traditional dress is shalwar kameez (a tunic and wide pants) for all genders but they come in different styles. i prefer to wear shalwar kameez that is loose fitting and a more plain design so it looks kind of like men's rather than women's.

on the subject of clothes, this can be difficult because it's not really possible to bind when you're closeted as people will probably notice and ask questions. one good thing about wearing hijab is that it covers your body and chest, so i was able to combat a lot of dysphoria without raising any issues because my parents wanted me to dress that way anyway. i had a very feminine phase when i was trying to "fix" myself and "be a girl" because i thought if i tried hard enough i would "be normal". of course it doesn't work that way but i did my best even though it made me super dysphoric, because i thought this was the only option i had. i don't recommend doing this if you can, but it's a very normal experience for trans people, so don't feel like it invalidates your identity "because you used to be so girly". of course anyone can wear skirts and dresses and pink and feminine clothes, it should not be restricted to women ! in fact i still like wearing certain dresses sometimes, they make me feel really cool ! but if it makes you uncomfortable, then don't force it.

experimenting with clothes until you find your style is very helpful. definitely get your clothes second hand if you can to avoid spending much money or damaging the environment during this process btw !! at my university we have a clothes swap where you can leave your old clothes and take new clothes that other people have donated. i've been swapping a lot of my feminine clothes for masculine clothes that way. since coming out i've been dressing in a way that feels a lot more like myself, but even before then, even in my feminine phase, i always wore clothes that hid the parts of my body that made me dysphoric. baggy trousers help a lot with dysphoria about your hips and thighs because they hide a lot; the same goes for loose-fitting shirts, sweaters, hoodies etc for hiding your chest, waist and hips. using a satchel can be better than a backpack if you feel like backpacks accentuate your body shape too much, but the right clothes and backpack can be very gender affirming too ! i wear mostly men's shirts, coats, and sweaters, though i do tend to get women's trousers because they fit more comfortably around my waist, but i choose a shape that is loose and masculine.

again, if you feel confident in your body and you like wearing clothes that don't hide it, that's really good !! and i'm very happy for you and proud of you if that's the case !! i just am listing some things that help me personally with dysphoria which also don't bring me judgement from people i'm not out to, because like i said it's normalised for anyone to wear this style of clothes in this part of the world. idk about things like makeup because i've never worn it in my life, and i've only painted my nails like three times ever, but if you like these things go for it ! i know plenty of guys (cis and trans) who wear makeup and nail polish sometimes and they look really cool !

as for underwear i like to wear the kind of men's / boys' underpants that are like little shorts. i get them in size small / medium or age 13-14 years. i find them very comfortable in general, especially in summer when a lot of women worry about a "visible pants line" showing through their clothes, you don't get this problem. i also don't wear bras, only sports bras / compression vests that cover everything and just look like a binder that doesn't make you flat. i have no idea what my bust size is because i've never been measured. i refused to wear anything on my chest until i was 11, then my mother made me wear crop tops underneath my shirts "for modesty", but i didn't actually develop breasts at all until i was 16 and i only tried to wear bras for like one year before i gave up and went back to vests and sports bras.

however, i would say to be careful around underwear if you live at home and someone else does the laundry. my mother gets very weird about me wearing this type of underwear. she thinks it's bad for you not to wear a proper bra (but this is scientifically incorrect !) and she says she can never tell which underpants are mine and which are my brother's. i also get the feeling that she doesn't approve of me wearing men's underwear because of religious reasons ?? and she definitely wouldn't approve of a binder. so when i'm at home i sort the laundry myself and take my things to dry in my bedroom so she doesn't notice. i also used to wear big plain white or black women's briefs and i still have them although i don't wear them much; they help too if you aren't able to wear boxer shorts, because they cover a lot and are just more comfortable in general.

idk how old you are or what your transition goals are, if any, but if you are considering things like hormones and top surgery, i know it can be very difficult to figure out how you will do this without your family and friends finding out, or even if it's an option for you at all. i'm very lucky to live in england and i am over 18 so i can access gender services without my parents knowing. the waiting list is around 5 years long which gives me plenty of time to think about what i want and how i will balance this with my family etc. i really want top surgery but i know it's something my family will notice and also the amount of money it costs and the recovery time afterwards makes it into a big thing that i can't really do in secret. however, that's a problem for future me, and i imagine it's the same for you too. stay strong, and i hope you'll be able to find a way to transition without having to deal with a lot of issues with your family.

my mother is also really weird about my body hair and facial hair, so be careful with that too. i'm naturally very hairy, it is probably because i'm half pakistani, but i also might have PCOS or endometriosis because my periods are very irregular and intense, i need to get that checked out. anyway, when i was younger my mother encouraged me to shave my armpits and legs, and to pluck out my moustache, chin hairs, and monobrow. it's sad because i used to like my moustache and eyebrows as a kid, and i liked seeing myself as a guy in the mirror, but i was also bullied about these things at school, which made me so self conscious that i couldn't leave the house without sorting all of this out, and i used to shave my arms as well. it got to the point where i got really bad eczema in my armpits because shaving them was irritating the skin, so i decided to stop, and now i just trim the hairs occasionally (because if my underarms are too hairy this also makes my eczema worse and harder to treat). i also stopped shaving my arms and legs, and i don't pluck out my facial hair at all. this saves me so much time and pain and effort, i look really cool, and very androgynous. but my parents and other family members make comments about it all the time, they say i look unkempt and i've let myself go, i'm giving them a bad reputation, etc. so i guess you have to find the balance between gender euphoria and safety from your family and friends getting suspicious or judgmental. if your family aren't too conservative maybe you can talk about feminism and how body hair is natural for every mammal and the culture of women being hairless is really toxic etc ? but again, please be safe, sometimes it's better to compromise and conform until you are able to be more independent, even though it really sucks.

getting your period can be extremely challenging when you're transmasc so you're not alone if it's difficult for you too. my mother never understood why i was so distressed by it, because she was excited to get it when she was growing up, and she always wanted breasts too, but i was very afraid of puberty. a nonbinary person i know takes birth control pills to stop their periods because they make them so dysphoric, but please be aware these pills have oestrogen in them so they can have a feminising effect, so they're not for everyone. other trans people i know use tampons or menstrual cups so they don't have to see the blood like you do with pads. however i know this can also cause dysphoria because you have to interact with a body part that feels like it should not be there. i personally have never used tampons or menstrual cups because i don't want to touch that area of my body if i can help it and i also have a lot of sensory issues. i try to use reusable pads when my flow is not too heavy, because you can wash them and use them again so it's better for the environment. i also use big disposable pads when it's too heavy for the reusable ones. funnily enough if you're wearing a thick sanitary pad in your underwear it makes a bulge that can kind of look like you have male genitals lol. idk if that's something you want — i definitely don't want bottom surgery myself — but it's pretty cool either way. also please take care of yourself if / when you menstruate, it's a hard time, take painkillers if you need to, and do your best to ignore all the gendered language around this stuff. a lot of men, boys, and nonbinary people menstruate, including myself, and it should be more normalised.

swimming and exercise are understandably big issues for a lot of trans people. i recommend wearing breathable fabric so you don't overheat. i am lucky because as a muslim i'm expected to cover my body, so i have an excuse for how i dress at the pool or the gym. i usually wear a men's shirt that is designed for sports or surfing, sports leggings (or joggers if i'm not swimming), and a compression vest / sports bra and underpants underneath. if i go swimming i make sure everything is made from that fabric that they make swimming costumes from, and it's all black because that hides your shape better. i actually want to get some long swimming trunks like my dad has, they're very comfortable and much more gender affirming than leggings. i don't go swimming much tbh, i wish i could but it makes me dysphoric, and showering afterwards is annoying, especially because i have sensory issues and eczema. normally i take off the shirt and leggings and shower in my compression vest and underpants. that way i can get most of the chlorine off my skin but i don't have to be exposed in the public showers / changing rooms. if you can't get away with wearing so many layers like that maybe you can wear a compression vest and cycling shorts, you can even get women's swimming shorts, so people don't question it.

as you're closeted maybe this doesn't apply to you but i do like being slightly open with my identity when i can. i have some subtle indicators that i'm trans that i wear sometimes. please please only do this if it is safe !! i never did it in the past at all, not until i came out to my friends, and i know that transphobia and homophobia are getting worse and worse, so i am very cautious about being visible in public. but for example i made a bead lizard in the trans flag colours and i hang it on my bag, and i have some pride badges that aren't super obvious. it's like "if you know, you know", but if people ask anything you can play it off as just an accessory with colours you like, etc. it makes me feel affirmed in my identity and also i feel like i am showing other trans people they're not alone. personally i love seeing someone wearing a pride pin or seeing stickers on lamp posts and walls around the city expressing support of queer people, trans rights, etc, so i recommend looking out for those or even creating your own if it's safe to do so.

on social media like instagram where there's an option to put your pronouns in your bio, i recommend not putting anything in that box if you're not comfortable with it, because putting she / her would feel wrong, but putting he / him or even they / them or a mixture could make people ask questions. for a long time i had she / they in my bio because i felt like it was safe. but then it made me uncomfortable, because i really hate being called she or her but i didn't feel like i could put they / them without people saying things, so i removed it. after a few years i became braver and put they / them instead, and then i changed it to he / they when i felt more confident in my identity. however i am still worried that my family and people i'm not out to might notice and say something, but nobody has done so yet. but yea please take care. your safety is more important and you don't owe anyone an explanation of who you are.

overall, i hope these tips are helpful for you, but please let me know if you need anything else. i have no idea how old you are, where you live, what your family and friends are like, what your feelings about your body are, how you like to dress, what gives you gender euphoria and dysphoria etc, so i'm just saying my own experiences, if you feel differently that's fine and it does not make you any less trans :)

you are loved and your identity is beautiful and i am so proud of you for coming to me for advice. you're doing so well <3

[lapdogchase]

hi

hello internet strangers want to hear about my personal life as per usual

well as those familiar w my lore know my title ix case (us-specific college thing where, tldr, if u get sexually assaulted u can do a little mini court case thru ur school) is finally fucking over + i won . which is awesome. unfortunately the respondent (title ix word for "person who did the assaulting") got preeeetty much no sanctions at all . like literally nothing changed . the lawyer recommended they be moved to the other dorm hall but they couldnt, so basically they got put on probation and that's it. Lmao. which means my situation is WORSE than before i filed the complaint, bc b4 i filed the complaint they were in the other dorm hall, and then they moved to mine. but i can't do shit about it unless i want to take my school to, like, court.

well anyway the respondent's life changed in no meaningful way Except they moved out of the dorms last month by their own choice. i assumed that meant they were embarassed abt what they did But i guess not. Bc they've been getting really into on campus events and hanging out in the central building that i like to hang out at. and its like. okay. whatever.

but the thing is . theyve been going to a lot of queer-centric events recently . and while im the only person whos filed a complaint or won a case against them. i am not the only victim i know that for a fact and the other victim is also a queer person. So can you see why im worried about someone who managed to sexually assault two queer people within the first week of living on campus like, integrating themself into the community like nothing fucking happened

and theres this school dance coming up in a couple weeks and im worried that will give them an opportunity to like. hurt someone else.

and i want people to KNow what they did because i dont feel safe with them on campus anyway but i especially dont feel safe now theyre talking to people and making friends (especially bc most of their friends r like. friends of friends. like i dont know them but i know of them yk) . i dont know what theyre saying about me (if anything) and i especially dont know if theyve hurt anyone else. and they might have! because they demonstrated a frankly dangerous lack of regard for consent repeatedly Like i think this is a genuinely dangerous person, whether by malice or stupidity or both, and i dont want anyone else to get hurt

BUT THE KICKER IS...! well first of all we're bound by a no-contact order (baby version of a restraining order). you cant be in the same classes and you cant talk to each other (irl, online, or thru a 3rd person) the title ix coordinator has provided jack shit about what a no contact order actually entails btw lol 😒. But if i were to tell someone and they went and told that person, idk if that would be considered 3rd party contact, which would get Me in trouble

i also dont know if it would be considered "breaking confidentiality" if i said their name- again, don't know jack shit, don't have documentation of the actual rules i'm supposed to be following. but i really dont feel like this is a safe situation for this person to be on campus with no one knowing what they did

im also just generally worried about them finding out ive told people and getting mad and going to the coordinator and me getting in trouble when the only reason im even considering this is bc, again, the school didnt do jack shit

and i dont even know How i would tell aynone . like im not rly friends with most of these people . i see them around and some of them i think are cool but theyre not friends or really even aquaintences . so it would be fucking weird .

but i dont know what to do and i dont want anyone else to get hurt . and i know thats not on Me, but. i also dont want to sit back and Know. and not say anytthing

[oneangstymotherfucker]

tw csa mention / k!nk mention

Something that gets to me about the anti mindset is that it doesn't seem to be able to account for the fact that we might be reading age-gap stuff from the younger person's perspective. Why do they always assume otherwise? (Of course it's okay if you do, but for this post im talking about the other side).

The truth is, sexuality cannot be completely severed from childhood experiences. From what I've read, most kinks and interests develop alongside the rest of our personality(ies). This is very normal.

It is also very normal to engage in 'pleasure seeking' as a child. Something feels nice on your body, so you keep doing it. I started when I was about six, and every therapist I've talked to has said that is normal.

The age during which you start understanding your bonds and relationships to other people is also very important, and since it affects your development and the rest of your life, going back to those ideas and looking at them can be very healing.

So it makes sense why anyone would be interested in metaphorically 'going back' to those times in their lives and exploring what they didn't have words or capacity to understand back then. Real children do not have the capacity to understand or cope with sex. They are not ready, and it would cause them harm. Maybe it did cause you harm. Fictional children are not real children. Fictional children are an extension of our own inner child, a way for us to process what we couldn't then now that we are safe and have more control of our lives. It doesn't undo the harm, but it can help you sort it out and move on from it.

So yeah, all of this is even more important if you have been hurt. I write about the ages 6-12 a lot because that's around the time I was hurt. It's not that im 'stuck there' or 'fetishizing' it (you can't 'fetishize' your own trauma) - I am doing work there. I am reclaiming it there. I am making sure the needy little 12 year old in me is safe and happy.

But as for me and myself- I was still afraid. I might always be. For a long time I couldn't even approach sexuality. When I finally did it was talking to old men online, trying to get them to believe I was much younger than I was, playing with them and seeing what they would say. That was what felt safe. The only 'part' of me that felt safe being sexual was the part that was still a kid.

I don't cope like that anymore. I found a way that I like better, that is more under my control and is way less risky to myself and the potential people i was talking to. And that is writing fiction!!!!

Through fiction I can set up places where all of me feels safe (even if it might not look safe to you or would not be safe in the real world!). I can create scenarios where I can work through my fears, provide comfort and safety, and make a good place for my kid self to figure things out (and yes, get off).

And it has been helping! We've been feeling safer and more confident since we started writing, and we've learned so much about ourselves and how to feel safe.

I studied psychology for four years. There isn't really terminology for a 'bad coping mechanism'. There is the idea of maladaptive coping mechanisms, but here's the thing- what makes a coping mechanism maladaptive is wether it causes more harm than good in the person's life on a case by case basis.

The idea that a random stranger thinks they have the authority over your life and your unique psychology to tell you that you are hurting yourself with your coping mechanisms is ridiculous. No stranger online knows - or should know - the details of your trauma or life. They have no say in what is good for you. If you are worried something might be hurting you or holding you back, that is for you and maybe a trusted professional to figure out. It is certianly not for some squicked teenager or anyone else online to dictate.

Also, sexuality and brains are really complicated. You don't need trauma (or to remember it) in order to enjoy something. You're allowed to ship any ship for any reason. Bonus points if one of the reasons is because it makes you happy, because you deserve to be happy!

All ships are just roleplays. All fics are just scenes. When I write I put up tags to let people know what's in the scene. I hold on good faith that they are reading the tags, and they that I am not tagging incorrectly. I give them my scene, and if they at any point don't like what I'm doing, they stop reading. It is really very simple!!!

Finally, if you do have sexual trauma, you don't ever have to 'sterilize' it or be 'pure' about it. It's okay to have leftover feelings and kinks and interests that might seem backwards or not make sense to other people. You don't have to conform to a bullshit 'good survivor' image of some saintly person who put all that behind them and avoids avoids avoids like a pure little virgin mary.

You can look at it if you want to. You can pull it apart with your hands, you can reclaim it and get off to it if you want to, you can share it with consenting others and let them get off to it too. That is all okay and good. That is just being human. You are okay.

[i-need-some-advice-on]

i already sent this to another blog, but didn't really get advice so I'm trying here,

Me and my friend group used to be friends with this person, C, and C was really toxic: like they'd yell and scream at me for having interests (Like once I mentioned I enjoyed Taylor Swift music and got told to kill myself, and another time i was talking about how I enjoy loud events like concerts and they were like "I bet you like pep rallies" [<- me not clocking onto them like making fun of me] and i was like "omg! I do!" because i thought back to the pep rally I had the same day and my school brought in a fire dancer so really C's loss) and they would constantly guilt trip and manipulate us, and there was this one time where C and I got into an argument (For them being a bitch) and an hour later they went into our group's venting chat and was all like "I have these thoughts about killing people in this group chat" how am I meant tot take that?? Cause I took it as "oh shit, this online friend who knows my address and has seen my face wants to kill me." and i freaked out and deactivated my account and deleted the platform cause it just wasn't good for my mental health to be there. I ended up going back because I'm one of the older people in that group chat and I view most of them as my little siblings who I just want to make sure they're all safe and they were all worried for me. I went back and looked at the chats from when I was gone and C was twisting the story to be like "Oh Connie (me) was being really bitchy, and trying to push a narrative that I was manipulative towards them so he's trying to make it seem like I'm in the wrong" which yk i just did not feel safe so sure whatever

Later, me and some friends ended up talking about it, because this friend who is like just barely not a child and younger than C had so much worse experiences with C, this friend (R) is in a really bad place mentally and ended up coming to the group whenever they got into an episode where they would be in danger of harming themselves and what did C do? C started saying stuff like "It'd be cool if we killed ourselves at the same time" ????? what the fuck!?!?!? you don't just say that?????? Especially not to a child who needs to be talked out of killing themselves????? thank fucking god R didn't do anything and another friend was there to call C out because actually if I ever meet C irl I'm going to jail. C also ended up doxxing R and I got all the screenshots of that and we ended up kicking C out.

Now, I WISH that was the end of that, that both us in the group and C moved on, but C keeps on venting about us and twisting the story to make us seem like the bad guys saying stuff like "I still think about that friend group that kicked me out because I have poor memory/for my NPD" when in fact we didn't KNOW that C is a. a system and b. has NPD

But, also if I'm gonna say something, C's DID is really weird, like they ONLY have altars from their weird yaoi anime (that they tried to force me and some people to watch while C talked about their piss kink- it was weird) and all their alters are trans masc, I might just be uneducated so if any systems could like tell me if that's weird or not thanks. They use their disorders against a lot, like saying stuff like they weren't the one "controlling" their body when they said all that stuff and that they can't help but act the way they do because of the NPD, but correct me if I'm being wrong, having NPD doesn't tell your "friends" that you want to kill them? Inside thoughts maybe?

So, C keeps venting and ranting about us and we've told him multiple times that we DONT want them to keep talking about us, especially cause they tag the youngest member of our group(E) who they used to rant and vent and guilt-trip the worst in post that make E feel bad about kicking them out.

They recently vented about us and it was the final straw, I called them out of their shitty behavior in the replies (I didn't want to reblog and not only draw more attention to the post, but also I didn't want that negativity on my page) but one things led to another and my group and I were getting hate asks and anonymous death threats sent to us, I got the worst of it with a bunch of rape and death threats and when I made a post being like "Hey! This isn't cool!" C told the anons in my replies (Not a reblog mind you, a comment.) to dm them instead of telling anon to stop. I'mn a victim on s/a, and so being told by someone that they'd come to my house and s/a me really wasn't good for my mental health and I ended up having a break down and relapsing on my s/h that night

We kept telling C to stop venting about us and just apologize for their shitty behavior and they sounds they wouldn't stop either because they "have a right to post this stuff" and they can't apologize for stuff they don't remember or stuff they don't believe they did wrong, they ended up blocking me and three-four others but left R unblocked because R wasn't in the argument (And we learned later that R had another episode one night and apologized to C, which none of us are mad at R for we were just shocked because R had absolutely nothing to apologize for and C had nothing to forgive R for)

I just want advice on how to get C to stop posting twisted vents about us and/or actually make them see what they did to us really fucked us over and that C isn't the victim. Can we ever do that? I'm tired of C acting like we were so bad to him when C would throw fits if we weren't constantly giving him all of our attention

.

[aforkstuckintheroad]

It's been a while, reading the things I wrote on here, not a lot has changed but a lot has changed. From that last sentence, at least we can establish that my writing has not changed as much, it's just as dramatic.

Some things are different - I am heading to graduate school and I am moving out of my parents home. God, I am so stressed. I procrastinated hard on a lot of really important things and now I feel so behind on everything and the program hasn't even begun yet. I am already playing catch-up.

My life is taking a drastic and dramatic turn. I quit my job a while ago, and since then I've pretty much been at home and in my room. I wrote a post on here previously about how much I love my room most of the time - and yeah, safe to say, it was not that romantic to be stuck in it without purpose or any semblance of meaning for almost two years. My life keeps taking these big turns - that's how 20s go I suppose? One day you're in college, the next you're out and working, then next you're lost and unemployed, the next you're moving countries for grad school. Relatively, these are pretty normal experiences, nothing out of the ordinary, in fact quite privileged in having access to these experiences. Except my stomach hurts all the time and so does my head. This rapid change of scenery over and over again - the adjustment, the departure, the re-adjustment - I can't breathe when I sit and think about it. So I've stopped sitting to think. Now I only feel stress and anxiety. I don't feel sadness, I don't feel excitement. The stress and anxiety have taken over all my feelings. And the guilt for feeling even these two, given all the privilege, will not even let me feel the stress and anxiety in peace - that's an oxymoron, but you know what I mean? I hope you do. I find solace only in the fact that I am not alone, and people out there understand. I feel alone, in my house, with my friends sometimes. But there are people out there. There's always somebody on Reddit going through the same thing as you. So there's that. Everything just feels like a lot of work, and I do not know how to put in the work. I honestly and plainly - do not want to. I have not found anything yet that makes me feel like I would want to put in that work. Maybe all of this will change in grad school, maybe being back in school will turn my life around. But as I've often seen quoted online - you can run away to a different place, but you can't escape yourself. I hope I do better, I want to do better. But as I sit and write this instead of updating my resume and applying for the on-campus job that I really want - I do not know if I will be any better. The job applications and the housing process is really very deeply stressing me out and I leave in 2 weeks. I just want to get there and start my life. But if I'm not able to put in the pre-start work for my life, will I be able to do it once it all starts full swing?

Therapy was barely helpful with my tasks, what is wrong with my brain? I've just started reading Atomic Habits finally, after seeing it everywhere. Yes I am scared to admit that I am reading a self-help book. I guess it's an indication to how desperate I am to change my life. I cannot miss out on opportunities anymore because of my inability to do tasks! It is excruciating. I absolutely cannot do a single task to save my life right away, quite literally. Even if my life depended on it, I would procrastinate for days and days. Like getting my stomach checked out - because it hurts all the time. There's some hypochondria at play there too though, and my sedentary lifestyle is largely to blame. But still, what if there was a real problem there? I refuse to take any action?

I have no control over myself and my body, and thus there is no me and there is no I. It is just an entity, operating at it's own instinctive will. The writer of this, is just a little part that exists somewhere within this entity, but in no way or form can take claim of forming the entire entity. Because the writer has very little actual control over the entity. That is how I feel. Best, the 5% of the entity

[glowzoul]

i think i like leaving things alone better when i can tell myself they're final and out of my hands now. melodrama ramble below the cut dni about it i just wanna vent.

I don't wanna make up i don't wanna wonder and worry again in an understanding in which only i've got something to lose. Sitting here staring at a screen for days waiting and hoping for a change to something proven and communicated to be unobtainable just because of a questionable choice of wording when affirming my suspicion about your inability. Compounding growing fears inside lulls of silence, grappling with a reality where again i'm not much more than an emotionally safe occasional entertainment easily paused and restarted, flawed with inescapable doubts trying too hard to protect your feelings. Tormenting myself questioning the authenticity of those doubts and if they're self serving more than considerate. Is it abandonment when i cut you off so you can do anything without guilt or shame, and i can accept things and move on. is it selfish to not let you be a part of my life to avoid a failure to stay emotionally unattached. Am i lying to you if i avoid the topic. Do i really care about you in this, or am i just cowardly to want to avoid getting hurt and having no one to blame but myself, because you made me understand that you feel no obligations of loyalty naturally and will not be comfortable with conditions i can hold you to and trust you with.

This is bad for me, i'm starting to dissolve the progress i've made again, i was starting to eat again and go for walks every day and talk to people and studying medicine through online courses, it felt fake because i was doing it to work through things, and i'm not normal i didn't have the urge to do these things naturally and was just trying to mimic what normal people do in an attempt to feel better since it works for them. But it felt good to know i was at least trying, that even though it wasn't working that well, i could say i tried. And its slowing down now because we're replaying this game again. I'm doing it to myself and i don't blame you but i can't stop it, and the undeniable cause is my failure to balance an interest in you with my own well-being. as if saying "i'm already compromising my own safety emotionally just talking to you again so who cares about anything else if i'm going to self destruct like that anyway".

so idk how to do this but the brain worms are setting in. I can't stop thinking you're only talking to me again because you're bored or lonely, and now that i responded, again, you're satisfied and content and i have to wrestle with this, alone.

idk if i even wanna post this cuz im 99% sure you have my tumblr. but fuck it i need to vent anyway. hold it together hold it together holdit tnbogether looking like pic related the whole time staring at our dm screen fun fun ufdunlfun funf

[yaoischolar]

tw for some c/s/a talk i guess

mostly im just putting this here because i get to ramble a bit more than i do through twitter ... though it feels kind of ridiculous to wail about this online to strangers, i've always found solace in that, haven't i?

i had a really really difficult therapy session last thursday that kind of left me picking up a lot of shattered pieces of my childhood. i casually mentioned to her that i have the passing thought now and then that i was sexually abused as a child, but i never press on it because i've always had so much going on otherwise. but for once i let myself press since i was safe enough to do so. and i just.

how do you deal with something you have no memory of, but all of the scars remain? how do you just have a realization like this and try to continue life as normal? i feel like i've always had clear "before" and "after" moments in my childhood wrt traumatic events, but now that clarity has completely shattered, because there was never a real before. there was just always an after. and you don't even remember what happened— theres only signs pointing to that direction, leading you down the road only to open up to a giant pit that you can't fathom going down right now.

i've always known what sex was. i could basically reenact it as a child. i let the neighbor boy lock me in a closet with himself while he tried to "make out" with me and i just sat there and didnt move, and just accepted that until the door was finally opened and i could leave. i let a girl at daycare show me a hiding spot where she could touch my vaginal area and i could touch hers, but then once it was done, she threatened to tell all of the teachers on me. ive always had a fixation on romance and the physical aspects of a romantic relationship even if i never "fully" understood— since i was a young child, all the way to being a teenager.

when i discovered masturbation i felt so fucking ashamed and guilty. i could never penetrate myself until i started having sex later on in life, but penetrative sex has usually had a very sharp, stabbing pain deep inside of me that i always did my best to ignore because maybe eventually it could go away. (sometimes it does, sometimes it's there.) oral sex is completely off the table. it's always induced a kind of nausea in me to think about performing it at all.

i don't know who could have done it. i always left my aunt and uncles house in tears after spending weekends there as a child, and i don't remember any of those weekends. my uncle has had a weird fixation on me since i was young. last year during the holidays, as i was leaving with my wife, he was really drunk. he grabbed me and all i felt was a sense of panic. he grabbed my face and it was terrifying, watching him lean down like he was gonna kiss me directly only to turn my head at the last second and kiss my cheek. and then he says "you know i love you, right?"

but then theres the fact my siblings had friends in and out of the house a lot. i hung out with boys older than me when my mom brought me along to see her friends. i would be left alone unsupervised with them a lot. my parents have always been convinced im dramatic and a liar.

i never really understood that i was a person until i was nearly 10. i always viewed my life as never my own. i was just a puppet for someone to watch on tv, i even remember sitting there imagining a group of men were watching my life play out on the tv while i took a bath as a very young child. i know i blocked a lot of pieces out, and my brain really cherrypicks memories, but something isn't adding up. something isn't right.

i waffle on this and my mom's voice lives in my head telling me i'm making this up. but if i was making this up, would my body have such a visceral reaction? i spent the entire night after my therapy session wide awake replaying every moment i could remember from my childhood. i've felt so fucking bad and listless since thursday. the only moments i feel grounded are when i have the company of others. when im alone or quiet my brain always comes back to this now. if i try to press on any one memory that i think could be a hint, i feel dizzy and heavy all at once. i've read countless articles and reddit posts and posts here just to make sense of everything. i get worried i never showed the extreme symptoms, but i certainly had depression and anxiety before i was even an adolescent.

sex was a very carefully avoided subject in my house. it was never brought up, and my family worked double time to ensure i wouldn't see suggestive content of any kind. i was sitting with my siblings once while they were watching a movie where two girls end up making out, and right when it started happened, i was shuffled out of the room immediately. i wasnt allowed to really enjoy pre-teen or teenage media of any kind until... i don't know? one day they kind of stopped trying to hide it. but sex was still never brought up to me. always avoided. i was never asked if i was having sex as a teenager. never asked if i messed around with any friends. i was still always free to sleep over at friends houses when i was in elementary school, but i really only ever had one friend i was consistently sleeping over at, and when i was a teenager our sleepovers were in large groups.

this post has no real direction. i like to treat this like a diary sometimes. i know if i have it here im not just exaggerating how badly i've been doing over the last few days, and if i doubt how much it's affected me down the line, i have this to fall back on. i have therapy again on thursday. i have a lot of things to unpack. i know eventually i may uncover something i've kept hidden in me for a long time. there's a strange relief to know i'm not just someone who's kind of always had a weird, poor relationship with sex and my body— my body remembers. even if i don't, my body does, and it's always tried to tell me.

but now i have so much to reckon with. im finally safe enough in my life that i can process these emotions, yeah. sure. how do i deal with the idea that there's never really not been sexual trauma within me? how do i deal with the fact that one of the worst things that can happen to a child happened to me, and if i said anything to my family right now, i would be called a liar? how do i deal with the fear that people doubt my claims on this since i dont have memory of it happening?

i'll be ok. i know i will be. i have a good support system in place. i just wish that i had a chance as a child. i never had one. nobody gave me one. all the brief moments of love i felt from my family feel so empty now. what do they know that i don't?

[leechandoki]

Hey, I hate this idea!

That is your private info and no one has the right to see it. I get it if you don't want other people to see your mature work but hey... listen to me when I say EVERYONE has the right to privacy. Stop being predatory and asking for age.

I will judge the fuck out of you honestly. That is very weird behavior and again I get you don't want people to see your mature work but hey listen again when I say, you will live so much happier if you just stop being a parent to them. Yes, it would be nice to have the young kids stop entering spaces they shouldn't but once you catch they are kids in those spaces BLOCK THEM.

Alert your friends that they're a minor. Don't make it public info. I will judge you even more if you just go right ahead and expose a child age to the internet.

To make the space safer, literally three things to do.

Stop being a parent and telling kids to go away. Block them and alert your friends, not the public, to block them too.

Parents NEED to monitor their kids. That is their job, not yours. You are being weird for taking their job.

Report. Literally, report them. "OH! But I don't know their age!!" I literally report people as spam because that sadly works best :/ As much as sites keep insisting other options also work it doesn't either that or someone is purposely choosing not to work and dismissing the claims.

We are adults. We are not THEIR parents. Kids are going to be exposed to stuff that we don't want them to see but is that our problem? Not really. Block and move on. and if you get too big of an account.

let go.

unless you hire a team of people to comb through your followers to prevent minors from seeing your work. You literally can't do anything. If you see them it be nice to block but literally you no longer have the ability to do that because then you will feel obligated to hunt down every minor follower. Which again, let go. You cannot win this fight.

To summarize, You are weird for asking for age and wanting to see people's birthdays just so you can feel relief that they're not a child. Not realizing that is predatory behavior even with innocent intent you are still asking for a child's age. You are not their parent so please stop interacting with children and telling them to get out of the space. Report and block them. Parents, please! monitor your kids, and see what they like and don't like. Find their interests and do research on your own to figure out if it is good for them or not. In other words, bond with your child and stop making it about you. Finally, we're adults, not their parents. Kids are going to find places that we do not want them to be in but we can't stop that. It's not our problem so if they are caught block and report. If you are a big account, let go of the problem, you can't do anything anymore. If you do see them it be nice to block and report but you can't do it all the time anymore.

One more thing to say, educate. Please, we need to educate on how to be safe in spaces that you should not be in. We need online safety to be a thing again in schools. There is a reason why I am always ALWAYS saying be quiet. Don't make a peep, don't make a sound, stop interacting, in fact, don't interact. Lurk.

If there is an anonymous option to send in an ask PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD USE IT.

YOUR PRIVATE INFO IS YOUR RIGHT TO PRIVACY. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DEMAND THAT INFO FROM YOU.

Some people with mature blogs ask that anyone who follows or interacts with them have their age in their bio to "prove that they aren't a minor." Would it be possible to let people show their birthday that is required when making an account in the description of a blog, or maybe a seperate age section extrapolated from the birthday, since that can't be changed?

Answer: Hey there, @fourcheesecalzone!

So, this is something of a tricky one. Albeit a good one, too.

The general idea of adding more customization options for your identity on Tumblr, like showing your age or your registration date or links to About pages and the like, is certainly something we want to work on someday. We can say this for sure.

However, just your age, on its own, is not something we would want to expose. It would have to come with bigger changes to how we display information about people on the platform. How exactly we tackle these questions is still ongoing, but it’s a good question, and we hope to have updates for you before too long. You will catch these here or over at @changes.

Thanks for your question, and we hope this helps for now. 

[fandomsfunyeah]

Obey Me! Fanfiction Havoc Levi x Mc

Levi tries to figure out how to confess his love,things don't go as planned

It was late at night and the house of Lamentation was quiet...except for the sounds of a lone individual typing away on a computer.

The games music and chatting players rang through his headphones as Levi sighed,glancing at the clock,it was late,way too late and he should really go to bed right now. Even if it was a Saturday.

He'd had too many night time gaming sessions in a row and it was catching up.

At least it wasn't his turn to make breakfast,wait...it was Mc's turn today right?

The thought of getting up for that makes him shut the game off and crawl in bed.

Maybe if he can get alone time with them in morning he can finally tell them how much he cares for them.

Morning came and Levi sluggishly moves to dress himself and leave for the kitchen.

He yawned. Not nearly enough recharge he thinks.

Beel was already waiting at the table,surprisingly he was the second person here this morning.

He walked up to his younger brother.

"Is Mc up?"

"Yep. They're making Human realm pancakes,can you smell it?" Beel replied. He was drooling a bit.

Levi moved into the kitchen. The smell of honey and syrup fill the air as Mc was stirring and pouring batter into a pan,a sizable stack of pancakes already on a tray.

They must have been up a while.

Mc turns around. "Levi? You're up early today."

They smile at him brightly and he feels his heart beat faster.

"Um...Good morning Mc."

Mc hums and continued working,a couple minutes pass and Levi was still watching them.

"Do you want a plate to take back?" They ask him.

"Yes please." He says quickly.

They fix a plate,while he moved a little closer to them.

"Mc....um I was wondering..Do you...L-like" He cuts himself off last second.

"Sorry what was that Levi?" They ask as they turn around with the plate.

"Never mind it wasn't important." He avoids their gaze.

"Okay?" They say,confused as he quickly snatched it and leaves to go back to his room.

He closed the door with a sigh and looked toward his monitors.

The room was messy,various merchandise boxes and snack wrappers littered the floor,along with dirty clothing.

He really should clean up in here...it was a hazard to even walk around safely at this point.

Levi maneuvered around the clutter and sat down in his game chair with a thud,plugging his headphones in.

He entered the video chat with his online Devildom friends,forking bites of fluffy pancake in his mouth as he did so.

Hey he's back

Ohh how did that irl love confession go?

Are humans really that attractive?

Idk but it's that one at RAD half the school goes on about yeah?

The questions and comments pour in.

No it was a major fail

You backed out didn't you? One person asked.

Yeah

Why?

He sighed before replying.

Irl love is too hard I can't pause and restart over if I mess up

Come on if this human friend of yours is so amazing like you say then you gotta do something before someone else picks them up

Levi pauses. They weren't wrong but what to do?

If he was going to "win" this route he needed to come up with a idea before one of his brothers or some random normie takes them away.

He was lost in thought and didn't hear the door opening,Mc had come to check on him after breakfast ended.

"Levi are you doing okay? You ran off suddenly and I.."

They're cut off by slipping on a piece of clothing in the darkened room and go crashing down on the floor with a yelp knocking over a stack of fortunately empty,Akuzon boxes in the process.

The loud crash startled Levi and chat,he whipped around, accidentally pulling the headphone cord out.

"MC?!" He yelled,alarmed as he sees them stick their head out of the pile.

Oh this was bad,he flipped on the big lights and ran over to them.

They sit up slowly with a groan.

"Ouch...going to feel that one in the morning for sure."

"A-Are you okay Mc?!" Levi hovered around them worried and panicked. Humans can get hurt so easily.

"Don't recommend belly flopping the floor." They laugh,to Levi's relief they seem to be fine,barring a couple bruises.

The incident happened in full camera view,the video chat exploded.

Oh is that them?

You know I've never actually seen one before

I can see the appeal now

Moe level 100

Is that your hot human friend Levi?

The third born was mortified as he realizes the cord was unplugged and Mc heard everything.

The human peeked at the screen,pulling themself up as the chat continued to gush over them.

"Hello?" Mc tilted their head.

They even sound adorable

What beautiful eyes they have

Maybe I should find a human lover

Such a cute pose

You know Leviathan goes on and on about how awesome you are

"Does he?" Mc asks curiously. "What else does he say?"

Oh no,he was not dying of embarrassment today.

Levi quickly moved over Mc and hit the mute button before anyone else can reveal more details.

"Aw I wanted to hear more." They pout and his cheeks burn,why did they have to uncover all the secret thoughts he had?

It happened too often for his liking.

"Mc you need to leave now,right now! He blurted out before he clasped a hand over his mouth in shock. He didn't mean to sound angry.

"Is something wrong?" They ask concerned.

"I-I'm sorry Mc..." Levi looks at the floor timidly.

"I need...need to clean up my room,okay? Can you come back later?"

Mc looked around the area,it was long overdue for a cleaning.

"I can help you.."

"Nonono It's fine Mc you go recover your HP I'll take care of it."

Levi shoos them away.

He glared at the chat as soon as they were gone.

"Really guys? Not Cool."

Well do you have a plan to win them over?

Not yet

Why not write down some ideas?

Wait that could work

He says goodbye and started typing up a script of sorts.

Many scenarios,dates and how he would talk to them are paged and how he hopes they'd respond to them.

He sighed...hearts were practically in his eyes.

Writing a sweet love story about him and Mc...he can see it now.

He takes them to a cafe and feeds them dessert like romantic couples do and then they go up on a high hill overlooking the whole Devildom...the moon is full and illuminating the whole place..

Mc is the one who's shy and flustered...as he pulls them close in a tight hug and leans in to kiss them softly after a passionate confession they accept from him.

"Then we go back to my room,snuggle in a blanket and play games together." He says out loud.

Levi paused his typing...Henry 2.0 had swam over to him,the goldfish was blooping in the green glow of the tank.

"Don't judge me Henry,this is every otaku's perfect dream date."

Then Mc knocked on the door and entered surprising him.

"Did you make any progress?"

Mc paused and looked over the room. "It looks the same."

"Ahh....Mc why are you back it hasn't been long enough to clean anything?!"

"It's been three hours Levi."

He glanced at the clock,he'd been writing that long?

"W-Well it's umm..heh..."

Mc frowned and Levi gulps as he hears the lock click.

"Okay...you've been acting weird all morning and I'm not leaving until I find out why." They walk toward him and Levi blocks the monitor screen with his body,leaning against it.

He can't let Mc see what he wrote,it was too embarrassing.

"What are you even doing in here?"

Levi huffs. "I can't tell you that Mc,otaku secrets aren't meant to be seen by normie eyes."

Mc frowns again,moving in front of him while he tried to look stern,they lean in and whisper next to his ear.

"Are you absolutely sure about that Leviathan?"

He tenses,pupils widening from the sound of his full name.

Mc wasn't going to let up were they?

They look him directly in the eyes and suddenly their lips are inches from his,he feels his face heat up.

Is Mc doing what he thinks they are? He closed his eyes and tried to prepare himself mentally for a kiss.

But that turned out to be a ploy to drop his guard.

Mc quickly slipped their hands in his opened jacket and gently flutter their fingers into his underarms.

"Eeeek?!" Levi's eyes open in shock as he looks down to see Mc grinning mischievously.

He twisted and wiggled,clamping his arms down,trying to shake them off.

"Are you going to let me see it now Leviachan?~" They tease.

He blushes furiously.

"Heehehha...heeek....Nonope...Hahahee...MMph! Th-This is cheating Mc!"

Levi was being stubborn even as tears started running down his face and he couldn't speak from laughing so hard.

"I-I'm not going to...Hahaeeh!"

"You know you can't last much longer Levi."

They move down squeezing the softest part of his stomach and he falls to the floor,trying to curl up in a ball laughing hysterically.

Mc crawls on top of him,still squeezing ever so gently as he continued to cry and scream in laughter.

"Now?"

Levi shakes his head no through the tears.

Mc glares...he feels a shiver run up his spine.

Then they pull up his shirt and softly nibble and blow raspberries on his stomach.

He finally can't take it anymore.

"AHHAck...Okay okay....Please....I surrender..Mc just s-stop..."

They do and he's sweating and gasping for air laying motionless under the desk.

"Are you okay?" They ask concerned.

"Y-yes..." He managed to say.

Mc looks at the screen and Levi covers his face when he hears them laughing.

It was all over now,no more game nights and anime talks.

"So...when do you want to go out then?"

"Huh?" He peeks through a hand.

Mc was smiling affectionately.

"You really are a massive otaku Levi,of course I'll go on a date with you."

"Really you mean it Mc?"

They sit on the floor and hug him,he snuggles into them contently.

Everything was perfect...but before they go out.

Mc is stunned when Levi suddenly transforms and wraps his tail around their body,pinning them to the floor.

Levi smirks and Mc feels a sweatdrop fall as he leans over them with a mischievous gleam in his bright orange eyes.

"Mc...It's my turn to play now,don't you think so?~" He coos in their ear,gently brushing his fingers and tail tip over their helpless form as they giggle nervously.

Their laughter and begging echoed into the hallway as Levi teased them until they were breathless and flustered like he was earlier.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

the girl next door 2

Warnings: this fic will include elements, some dark, such as age gap, manipulation, chronic illness, noncon/dubcon, coercion, and other untagged triggers. Please take this into account before proceeding. It is up to curate your online consumption safely.

Summary: A new neighbour moves in and upends your already disarrayed life.

Author’s Note: Please feel free to leave some feedback, reblog, and jump into my asks. I’m always happy to discuss with you and riff on idea. As always, you are cherished and adored! Stay safe, be kind, and treat yourself.

This lewk but silverfox

You gnaw on your cheek as you read over the letter. Final warning. You really didn't think much of the first five but that word catches your worry; litigation.   

Your mother grunts and clicks her pen, dropping it as she curses under her breath. She tosses the crossword book away from the chair. For all your life, you remember her working on her puzzles. Now, she can hardly hold pen steady enough to put in a single clue.  

"Mom, you want another coke before I head out?" You ask.  

"Where are you 'headed out' to?" She scowls.  

"Just outside. Try to figure out the mower."  

"Piece of shit," she sneers and for a moment, you're not sure if she means the machine or you.  

"So..."  

"Just go," she snips.  

You purse your lips around the cut of her tone. You leave her in her recliner and you go down the hallway to the back door. You shove your feet into your stained vans and let yourself gently outside.  

You come down the steps and cross the overgrown grass to the garage. You prop the door open with an old paint can and drag put the mower. You haul it over to the little patch of pavement by the house as the sunlight raises beads of sweat across your forehead.  

You shade your eyes and squint. You don't get the thing. It's not even motorized, it just started catching. You can't push it hard enough to make it go. It only bounces uselessly across the ground.  

You squat and put it on its side. You examine the blades, nervous to dig between the mulching teeth. You grab a stick and poke around. It breaks and you rip it out.  

"Dang it," you whisper.  

You stand up. It's too hot to think. As much as you miss the sunshine in the grim winters, the heat is less than welcome.   

"Hey, excuse me," a voice startles you. You ignore it, thinking maybe it's just the neighbours on the other side of the fence. "Um, miss?"  

You turn towards the voice and find a man peeking through the loose slat in the fence. You sigh. Yeah,   

that needs to be fixed too.  

You stare dumbly. You recognise the man. It takes a few seconds to remember where you saw him. He was with the realtor. You hadn't see much yet, not that you ventured outside often. The sign changed to sold and that was that.  

"Hi, uh, so this," he touches the plank, swiveling it on the hanging nail.

You nod and go to the edge of the patch of pavement but no further. You nibble your lip and search for something to say. Talking to mom is easy, you know what to expect, but strangers are different.   

"Gonna fix it," you assure him flatly.  

"Yeah, well, I was actually thinking, I'm just doing a few touch ups right now and I could spare a couple nails or two."  

You tilt your head and bring your hands together, mashing your palms anxiously, "it's rotted."  

He wiggles the wood and little slivers fall away. He hums disappointed, "sure is." He smiles as his blue eyes shine in the sunlight, "no problem then. I'm sure I can find something at the hardware store."  

You hesitate. You should mention you can afford even half a plank. Grandma left you the house and enough to cover property taxes, but mom's monthly cheques are already stretched thin. If he doesn't ask, you won't offer.  

"Steve," he stretches his arm through the opening.  

You look at his hand. Your stomach flip flops. You don't want to be rude as much as you don't want to touch this strange man. Well, no use in making another enemy around here.  

You lift your feet as you trudge through the high grass. As you near, the sweat slakes down your back. You gently shake his hand, just for a second, and pull back.  

"And your name? Neighbour?" 

You stare at the collar of his grey tee shirt and eke your name out. 

“Is it just you over here?” He asks. 

You shake your head. You bend your arm to pick at your sleeve. You don’t mind introductions but you’re not much for conversation. You don’t need him prying into things. If anyone really saw inside those walls, they’d only feel bad for you. You’d rather their apathy. 

“Oh, you got kids? A husband?” 

You wince. It’s almost a flattering assumption yet a reminder of everything you don’t have. You’re not old enough to really think about all that anyway. 

You glance back at the side of the house. You should hose that down and get rid of the mildew. Another tick on the endless list. 

“Mom,” you say. 

“Ah, makes sense. You in school?” 

You shake your head again. He’s quiet. You sway listlessly. 

“Anyway...” he says. 

You put your head down and back away. You go back to the mower, bending down to fiddle with it again. You could see if anyone would lend you one but that means asking and as much as the neighbourhood paints itself in friendly smiles, they aren’t genuine. The letter on the kitchen table is proof of that. 

“Not working?” The man, Steve asks. You cringe and stand up. He’s still there. 

You shrug as you look at him. You turn back to the mower and lift it by the handles. You try to ignore the nosy neighbour and line it up with the grass. You push and it doesn’t move easy. You grunt and it rolls over the grass. You think maybe it’s working but as you turn, you notice the grass stands back up, only slightly bent. 

“You know, I got a nice electric one. Isn’t here yet but I can bring it tomorrow on the truck,” he offers, “I wouldn’t mind doing a once over, if you need.” 

You huff and push the mower over. 

“Can’t pay you,” you stomp back towards the house. 

“I didn’t say anything about money,” he chimes. 

You stop by the steps and cross your arms. You look at him, “too much.” 

“Well, if you change your mind, you can just come knock on my door,” he says. 

You nod and spin around again. You climb the steps, fighting to keep your steps even. You want to run inside and hide but you don’t want him to see how desperate you are to get away. 

The screen door snaps shut behind you. You kick off your shoes and go down the hall. Your mother huffs from her recliner. 

“You figure it out?” She asks. 

“No,” you flop onto the couch. 

“Knew ya wouldn’t,” she snorts as she stares out the window. “Man’s back. Musta bought the place.” 

“Uh, yeah,” you lean back, pulling the collar of your shirt over your face to sop up the sweat. “It’s hot.” 

“Nah, you’re just whiny,” she snickers. 

You don’t respond. You know better than that. You let her have her truth. Whatever she thinks of you, you can’t disprove. The world is she says it is. 

🏠

Your bedroom window shines yellow with the noon sun. The heat beams down on the folding table, warming your hands as you scratch charcoal onto thick paper. You still have grass stains on your fingers from another fruitless attempt at fixing the mower. Another day and you expect another letter isn’t far behind. 

As you focus on the lines and curves left by the pencil, your anxiety subsides. Drawing is the only thing that helps you forget. Really forget. You don’t think about the house or the lawn or the HOA or your mom. It’s just you and the pencil. 

You lean your forehead in your hand as you cross hatch the shadows. The chirping birds and the soft breeze deepen your trance. The world around you is distant and dim. You’re only awoken but the sudden and unfamiliar ‘ding dong’. 

You sit up. It takes a moment before you realise what it was. The doorbell? No one ever rings it. No, even Marge from the HOA waits until you come out to get the mail to accost you. 

You put the pencil down and get up. You go out and peek down the hallway. You creep along and stop at the doorway to the front room. You mom sniffs and wipes her eyes. She must have fallen asleep in her chair. 

“Who is it?” She snarls with grogginess in her throat. 

“I don’t know,” you go to the door and pull the curtain away from the long window beside it. You peek out at the figure on the porch and quickly hide behind the fabric. Too late. “It’s... the neighbour. I think he saw me.” 

“Ergh, don’t be stupid, girlie,” your mother barks, “help me up.” 

“Oh, uh, okay.” 

You go to her and offer your hand. You get her to her feet. She slightly hunched and slow but she makes her way to the door. She pauses and turns to the mirror above the little bench against the wall. She tidies her hair and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. 

She leans on the door as she grips the handle. She opens it and the man from next door, Steve, greets her with a grin. 

“Hello?” She sweetens her tone. 

“Hello, miss, sorry to bother you,” he says, “I just moved in next door and I’m getting settled in. I was just about to do some lawn work and I thought maybe I might offer to do yours? It’s no trouble, I just thought I’d offer.” 

“Oh, what a honey you are,” she preens, “of course, that would be lovely of you. My daughter,” she sighs and shakes her head, “I’ve been nagging her for weeks to get it done.” 

“Really, it’s not a bother,” he assures her, “I’m Steve by the way.” 

His smile is just as charming as his introduction. 

“Holly,” your mother returns, “I’ll make you some lemonade for your trouble. It’s a hot one, isn’t it?” 

“Sounds good,” he agrees, “I’ll try not to make too much noise.” 

You peek out from behind your mother. Steve’s eyes meet yours for an instant before she blocks her out, no doubt eager to hide the state of the house from him. You back up as she turns to you.  

“What’re you doing hanging on like a rodent?” She hisses, “go make some lemonade.” 

[ikaroux]

Xiao: Always (part 2) (EN)

f!reader

The Japanese dubbing of Kirito (Sword art online), helped me a lot to imagine how Xiao's emotions would be expressed.

The ost that inspired me a lot for most of the scenes:

Ori and the will of the wisps: Fading of the Light and The story of Niwen (The ost in general fits Xiao perfectly <3)

Masterlist

Part 1

You had been in Liyue for several months now for your research. You had met several people there, some of whom had turned into real friendships. Hu Tao, Ganyu and the lovely Qiqi were the only girls with whom you had formed a real friendship and then there was Mr. Zhongli with whom you liked to talk a lot.

But above all you met Xiao, a taciturn young man with a cold look in his eyes. After some research, you learned who he really was, a follower protecting Liyue at the risk of his life. He was also known as the last surviving Yaksha, fighting day and night against the emanations of the ancient evil gods killed by the Geo Archon.

Zhongli, who had revealed to you who he really was, often spoke to you about Xiao. Sometimes he would ask you to bring him some medicine specially designed for him to relieve the pain that was eating him up inside.

This was not a big problem for you, as you were staying at the Wangshu Inn. It was perfectly located in the centre of Liyue, making it easier for you to get to different research sites. Zhongli had explained to you that this inn was a front, built mainly to relieve Xiao a little from his eternal burden.

Since your meeting with the adept, you had never dared to call him, for fear of disturbing him. You simply left Zhongli's small gifts in his flats, placed prominently on the table in the centre of the room.

A gift... you had wanted to give him one for some time, but not knowing his tastes, it was difficult to decide. What if he doesn't like it? What if he got mad at you? What if... You then thought of the innkeeper in Wangshu who had known Xiao for a while, she must have known a thing or two about the follower's tastes!

After consulting Verr Goldet on what Xiao liked, she taught you how to prepare the young man's favourite dish. So you prepared tofu with almonds once or twice a week as a gift to him. But even so, he never deigned to show himself to you again.

Yet Xiao was never far from you, always hidden in the shadows watching you, protecting you from the dangers that lurked.

The bond he felt between you and him had never disappeared. Near you, all the pain, all the suffering he felt disappeared. He knew that you were human, so fragile, so fleeting compared to him who had lived for millennia, yet in his eyes you were a true goddess. The night he saw you surrounded by this halo of light, his world was turned upside down. Of course he had discussed this with his master, Morax, or rather Zhongli as he liked to be called from now on.

Xiao asked him during one of their conversations:

"I don't understand, I can never take my eyes off her and my heart - he placed his hand on his chest, clutching the white tunic he was wearing - hurts when I lose sight of her for even a few seconds. I don't understand... Sir Zhongli, I don't understand..."

His voice often broke at such moments. Zhongli then placed his hand on the follower's shoulder, a gentle smile on his face.

"Talk to him and you will finally understand. "he would say to her each time.

"I can't... If I stay around her too long... the darkness around me will eventually engulf her too. "

The sadness in Zhongli's eyes matched the sadness in Xiao's. The adept would often leave without the answer he so eagerly awaited, going to the balcony of the inn to sit on the railing and gaze at the stars. When his gaze turned to his room, more precisely to the small round wooden table in the centre, he was looking for proof of your presence. Almost every day you would leave him an offering, medicine, the almond tofu he loved so much, a flower, a mineral or an artefact you had found on your expeditions. Every little gift you gave him made him forget his torments for a short while, savouring the joy he felt at the time. He treasured every item you gave him, carefully stored in a small gold box encrusted with jade.

When the moon was high in the sky, Xiao would sometimes go to your room, passing by your balcony to see if you were sleeping. Sometimes he would go inside the moonlit room to see your sleeping face. He thought you were terribly beautiful, he had never been so fascinated by anyone, let alone a mortal. He would sometimes tuck a strand of your hair back behind your ear, slightly disturbing your sleep, and you would wrinkle your nose with a groan, causing him to back away hastily.

When Xiao was sure you were still asleep, he would take the opportunity to give you a gift of his own, placed on your bedside table.

As he did every night, he would end up sitting on the roof of your balcony watching for any threat to you.

By the time the sun came up, Xiao was already gone. When you woke up, you would find objects that were not there the day before. It could be a crystal nucleus or sometimes a Qingxin flower, which made you smile every time. You kept all the gifts he gave you as a treasure.

Today you had to go to Mondstadt to visit your friend Lisa, whom you had met in Sumeru. She had come one year to visit her former teachers, introducing herself to the students in the class. The two of you had talked a lot, creating a bond of friendship that you had maintained through correspondence.

In your last exchanges, she expressed a wish to see you, which you gladly accepted. You had planned to stay there for a week, so it was not surprising that you were preparing some things to take with you.

Even though your protector never showed up in front of you, at least not since that night when he gave you his name, you wanted to leave him a letter to explain that you would be back in Liyue in a week.

Before leaving, you left him a plate of tofu with almonds, your letter carefully placed next to the plate.

You didn't think that the wind would blow your letter away from him before he had even read it.

Xiao was accompanying Aether and two other companions for the day. They were to help him confront creatures once sealed in an ancient temple near the nine pillars of Cuijue Slope. The battle was long and difficult, but in the end they managed to exterminate the monsters, allowing Aether to retrieve the treasure that lay deep in the ruins. Xiao hurried back to the Wangshu Inn, feeling a bottomless pit forming inside him. He had been feeling uneasy for a while, a part of him wanted to make sure you were okay. When he arrived at his flat, he saw that you had left him a plate of tofu with almonds, and he took a bite, although he was too nervous to really enjoy them properly.

Xiao put his hand over his face in great pain.

His chest hurt terribly, the voices in his head tortured him again and his body seemed to be chained by the darkness inside him. Why was this? His karma hadn't weighed so heavily on him since he... since he... had met you.

He exhaled loudly, a sudden fear filling his body, making his hands tremble. Without further questioning, he quickly disappeared through his anemo vision and landed in your room. It was pitch black and looked horribly empty. The books usually scattered around your room were gone, your things were gone, your wardrobe was empty.

"No... no... don't go... (Y/n) don't go..."

His voice trembled in shock as his eyes still searched for traces of your presence.

"(Y/n)..."

Nothing. There was nothing. Nothing left. You were gone.

He couldn't even feel your presence on Liyue's land.

Had something happened to you? What if you had been attacked by monsters? The thought terrified him. He thought of your sleeping face, so peaceful. He thought of the promise he had made to himself to protect you.

Your absence was as painful to him as the day Aether told him Rex Lapis was dead. He couldn't bear it.

Xiao vowed to find you again and if you accepted him, he would stay by your side, he would not run away again.

He would listen to you sing again.

He searched for you for seven long days, which was a real physical and psychological torture for him. Aether, worried about his friend, helped him in his search, informing Zhongli, Ganyu and Hu Tao of your disappearance and the state in which the follower was.

Xiao always carried one of the gifts you had given him, holding on to it in the hope of finding you safe and sound.

With his mask over his face and his spear in hand, he slaughtered every hilichurl camp, hoping to find some trace of you, something that would prove to him that you were still alive. Disappointment after disappointment, the anger and hatred grew inside him every day, struggling to control it. He was leaving behind a pool of blood, soon he would sink into madness, feeling the sting of the karmic chains that made him sink a little deeper. How could he have formed such a strong bond with someone that he lost control?

"Xiao, we're going to find her. "

Zhongli's reassuring hand rested on the follower's shoulder.

Xiao had not removed his mask, but the former Geo Archon could still see tears of pain flowing from his eyes. His hand moved from his shoulder to the top of the young man's head. He knew what Xiao was going through, after all he too had lost loved ones in the past.

A varnished lily flower suddenly appeared under Xiao's nose. Ganyu held it out to him with a thin smile on his face. The Yaksha, who had watched you for a long time, knew that this flower was your favourite, many times he had seen you studying it, drawing it, smelling it, admiring it...

He could clearly see your face beaming as you drew it, singing a Sumeru tune.

He slowly grasped the flower that the young woman was holding out to him with renewed hope.

You had been leaving Lisa for a few hours now, promising her and your new friends that you would return to see them soon. You were anxious to get to the Wangshu Inn to rest. You missed your friends in Liyue and the absence of the Yaksha warrior around you left your heart empty.

You knew that he was never far from you. You knew that at night he sometimes stroked your hair, thinking you were asleep. You knew how soft his eyes were when he watched you draw.

You knew that he loved to listen to you sing.

Your lips curled upwards, happy at the idea of finding his presence. For this occasion you had grabbed an anemo crystal core which you intended to offer his.

When you reached the border between Mondstadt and Liyue, the atmosphere suddenly seemed heavy. You could not hear the birds singing, nor the wind cradling the trees.

Time seemed to stand still.

Alerted, you quickened your pace, crossing the wooden bridge that separated you from the shore.

The sudden sound of a branch breaking made you jump. You looked towards the source of the noise, finding yourself face to face with a Brutorocheux chief surrounded by some Brutoshamans and common Brutocollinus.

Your voice and body trembled.

"Why are they here? There have never been so many monsters on the border..."

The Brutocollinus came forward, threatening, it screamed, the breath knocking you to the ground. The smaller ones stepped forward, weapons in hand, while the Brutoshamans chanted their incantations.

Fear froze you in place, you were not a warrior, far from it. Your pupils dilated with fear and shook as the Brutoshaman ran towards you, fist in the air, ready to crush you. By reflex you had grown brambles around you to protect yourself.

But the creature in front of you was of a geo nature, impervious to the little thorns in your plants. Your trembling hand rose before you, summoning a flower capable of projecting poison, but again the monster crushed your hopes as did the flower beneath its feet.

"As long as you are in Liyue, I will protect you. Call me and I'll be there in a second."

Fear choked you, tears beading in the corners of your eyes as you remembered the words of the man you loved.

Xiao.

The sight of his gentle smile as he looked at you, thinking you hadn't noticed his presence.

Xiao.

The tender look in his eyes as he listened to you singing hidden behind a tree.

Xiao...

His hands savouring the feel of your hair between his fingers as you slept.

"XIAO! "

The moment you shouted his name, a gust of wind swept through the area. Blows rained down before you, and the brutocollinus and brutoshamans were the first to perish.

There he was, leaping to an inhuman height, a mask hiding his face and a menacing black aura covering him completely. The spear he always carried with him was pointed at the enemy as the Yaksha fell violently to the ground, sending out anemo illusions from his weapon that skewered the creature. He repeated his move once more, shattering its shell, before finishing it off by charging it with extreme speed. The Brutorocheux fell heavily to the ground, disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Xiao moved his hand in front of his face, making his mask disappear, and then planted his spear on the ground. He ran towards you over the brambles you had created, not caring about the thorns that tore his legs. He knelt beside you, his eyes filled with terror and concern.

You looked into his eyes, shocked and trembling.

Finally you exploded, screaming and crying now that it was all over. You fell into his arms, your head resting in the crook of his neck, partially muffling your screams and tears.

He had found you. At last...

His heart broke free from its chains, relieved to see you safe and sound.

He felt as if his heart was going to burst out of his chest, so strong was it beating.

When he had reached you after your call and had seen you surrounded by monsters, monsters that were there because of him, because of the slaughter he had made in the camps of his creatures, the rage had risen in him. If you had been hurt because of him, he would never forgive himself.

He would never have forgiven himself.

He was surprised by your sudden embrace, not really knowing how he should react. What did humans do in such moments?

He raised his arms hesitantly, placing his hands gently on your back. Seeing that you didn't reject him, he hugged you a little tighter, soothing his soul and body with your warmth.

"Don't disappear again..."

His voice was husky, vibrant, emotion knotting his throat. He buried his nose in your hair, inhaling the scent of the flowers that covered you.

"Xiao..."

Your tears continued to fall as your hands clutched at his clothes.

He surprised you by planting a kiss on your neck. He left his face hidden there, not wanting to be seen so vulnerable. His trembling hands around you were more than enough to describe the emotions that were currently running through him.

When your tears stopped, his hands gently grasped your shoulders, pulling you back to get a better look at your face. He wiped away the tears that remained on your cheeks before placing the palm of his hand on them, caressing you with his thumb. Your hand joined his, closing your eyes to savour the sensation.

His forehead came to rest against yours, exhaling a shaky breath.

The happiness of finally having her so close to you involuntarily activated your dendro vision. Varnished lily flowers bloomed around you, and firefly-like particles of light swirled near your faces.

"Stay close to me. Always. "

"Always. "

Xiao didn't know exactly what he was doing as he tilted his head to your lips. The only thing he knew was that he wanted this connection badly.

The bond between you was stronger than any contract, he loved you, by the archons, he loved you more than anyone else.

An emotion so human but so beautiful...

Your lips... tasted like a sweet dream.

Bonus n°1:

"Ah, there they are! "

Paimon yelled to his companions, pointing at you and Xiao. Zhongli was the first to arrive and observed the scene unfolding before his eyes.

"XIAO! "

Paimon shouted, his voice carrying to you. Xiao parted violently from your lips, falling on his butt in the process, his face completely red with embarrassment.

Aether, who had arrived just after Zhongli, grabbed the little fairy in his arms, planting his hand over her mouth to silence her. Hu Tao and Ganyu were waving at you, reassured that you were okay. Xiao had completely forgotten that they had come with them.

He knew that with that chatty fairy and Hu Tao not far away, the rest of the day was going to be hell for him. He wanted to grab you in his arms and run away from his troubles, but when his gaze turned to Zhongli's, his heart was suddenly lighter with a burden. The gentle smile of his master and the kindly gaze he projected upon him broke the last remaining chains of doubt within him.

Bonus #2:

Xiao had offered you on the way back the varnished Lily flower that Ganyu had given him earlier, hanging it in your hair. You walked behind your companions towards the Wangshu Inn, laughter and loud discussions (too loud for his taste) were going on.

Xiao stood very close to you without physically touching you. You never took your eyes off his face, which he noticed. He abruptly turned his head in the opposite direction, the tips of his ears glowing crimson, forcing an affectionate smile on your face.

After a few minutes of silent walking between the two of you, he finally asked you a question.

"Why did you leave? -He looked at you again, his eyes full of emotion-"I thought you were gone forever...or worse, dead. "

His voice trembled at the thought, making your eyes widen. In a comforting gesture, you grabbed his hand, interlacing your fingers with his. The gesture surprised him, he was not used to physical (or emotional!) contact.

"Didn't you read my letter? "

Xiao blinked, once, twice, three times.

"What letter? "

"The one I left on the table next to the tofu dish. "

Xiao's face became totally impassive. He tried to piece together a visual image of his room in his mind, seeing your dish on his table very clearly, but no matter how hard he concentrated, no letter came to him.

"There was no letter. "

"Oh... Maybe it was blown away then?"

Xiao remained silent as you explained that you had gone to see a friend in Mondstadt. He listened to you without really listening, an array of emotions passing through his eyes. He needed someone to blame, anyone he could vent his anger and frustration on.

The wind... The wind...

A malevolent smile spread across his face and his amber eyes glowed with a menacing gleam.

He brought his hand up to his face, a gesture he made to reveal his Yaksha mask.

His hoarse voice whispered dangerously:

"Barbatos..."

Further on, in Mondstadt, Venti felt a shiver run through his body, freezing him in place.

[corysmiles]

Ask and ye shall receive

Little streamer au

The day Tommy does finally get sick, he hides it well for a little while. He knows Wilbur will get overly worried so he's the last person he wants finding out.

For a few days he succeeds, saying that his weird stream schedule is because of online classes or something.

One day though when Wilbur and Tommy had a vlog planned, Tommy doesn't show up. Worried, he calls Tommy but gets no answer. He calls his mom and gets a sentence he'll never forget.

"Sorry dear, he's not doing to well right now. Hasn't got out of bed all day. Didn't he tell you he was sick?"

And you can hear in her voice that she's distressed, concerned, and sounds very tired likely from taking care of Tommy all night.

He rushes to Tommy's home and begs them to let him see Tommy.

He's surprised when his mother and father ask for Wilbur to take Tommy home with him. When he asks why they tell him that they're worried about getting themselves sick and since it's a sickness for tinies, Wilbur can't catch it and is far more capable of taking care of Tommy.

-Zeetle

Care

Little streamer au

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Notes: ZEETLE YES!! I’m only changing a little bit bc in the au Tommy’s parents are humans who adopted him but he will still end up with Wilbur :]

————————

Wilbur held Tommy close to his chest the whole ride back to his apartment. Every minuscule shiver from the boy made his heart stop.

Tommy had never felt so small to him before.

Even in the beginning when he was so afraid of accidentally dropping or squishing the tiny his loud demeanour made him feel larger than life.

Carefully, Wilbur picked up his fingers from above the teen and stared at his sleeping form. Every exhale took too much effort for Wilbur’s comfort, and his whole body shook.

“Fuck Tommy,” he sighed.

As a loud voice boomed over the train’s speaker announcing the next stop he quickly covered the boy, hoping he wouldnt wake up. However, only seconds later he felt the tiny shift in his hands.

As carefully as he could Wilbur lifted the tiny to his face, “Sorry for waking you up. Howre you feeling?”

His eyes studied Tommy’s dazed look with barely hidden fear. The boy looked so tired even though according to his mother he’d already slept for over half the day.

“Feel like shit, what did you expect,” Tommy groaned as he squished his face against the bottom of Wilbur’s thumb. His skin felt cold and clammy in a way that made the human’s heart shrink.

He hadn’t even expected to take Tommy back with him.

About three days before, he’d caught the teen trying to hide that he was sick, so he’d gotten a train over to Tommy’s house as soon as he could. He’d brought some snacks and a new blanket for him, but he really just intended for that to be it.

He certainly wasn’t expecting Tommy’s mother to ask him to take him back to his own apartment.

“We have my sister coming here next week,” shed sighed, “Shes been planning to come for months now but it’s not safe for her with Tommy sick.”

“Shes a tiny?” Wilbur hummed.

The older woman nodded, “If you could, would you take him. There’s not much we can do but wait it out, but I think he’d feel better to be with his friends.”

That’s how Wilbur ended up with the sick teen snuggled up in his hands as he took him home.

“Just try to rest Tommy,” Wilbur sighed, “I’m sorry it’s so loud in here.”

With almost no pause Tommy’s head lulled back against his hand as he fell back asleep. Wilbur couldn’t push down the dread that clawed up his throat at how fragile he seemed.

As soon as the train slowed to a halt he jetted out to his apartment. His hands cupped around his tiny friend protectively the whole time. He shivered a bit against the frigid air, but all his mind could focus on was if Tommy was cold too.

His hands wrapped around the boy a bit tighter.

As soon as he go to his apartment he turned up the heat and laid Tommy down against the softest pillow he had. The teen groaned a bit, but his eyes didn’t open to Wilbur’s dismay. Half of him was still hoping this was a joke, and that any second Tommy would burst out into laughter about how gullible he was.

“Hey,” he whispered as he gently shook the pillow, “I’m going to make you some soup okay?”

After a few seconds one of Tommy’s eyes blinked open lazily. All he got was a short thumbs up from the tiny before he was asleep again.

With nervous hands Wilbur readied soup for the boy. The faster his hands worked the more he could try to avoid the poisonous thoughts threatening to get into his mind.

There was nothing he could do to help him

Wilbur let out a shaky breath, slowly stirring the soup in the pot. The thick comforting smell of the chicken broth filled his kitchen.

Tinies who get sick don’t make it

Quietly he dug through his cabinets until he found the small set of tiny utensils he had. He dug out a bowl and a spoon barely the size of his finger nail.

He was going to die

Wilbur felt his heartbeat stutter as he brought the small soup bowl back to his couch where the tiny was resting. From afar Tommy looked so helpless. His small body was curled up into a fetal position as his hands tried to grab onto the pillow below him.

“Hey Toms,” Wilbur kneeled down, “Here eat this. It’ll help.”

The boy’s eyes blinked open before he tiredly reached out for the bowl. His hand shook as he tried to bring a spoonful to his mouth.

“Thank you,” he whispered before he was sent into another coughing fit.

Wilbur’s teeth dug into his lip to stop himself from crying. However, the pain was only a slight distraction from the tiny.

As soon as he finished the bowl Wilbur scooped it up and threw it onto his counter. He could clean it later, but he didn’t want to spend any longer away from his friend. Slowly, trying not to wake the boy, he moved to lay down beside Tommy. Yet as soon as his head touched the pillow the tiny snuggled closer to him.

His small body pressed up against his nose searching for the warmth of the human. From so close he could feel how every laboured breath shook his best friends body. Tommy’s hands were freezing to the touch.

“Night Tom,” Wilbur sighed as the boy’s lungs racked with coughs again, “I’ve got you.”

Later that night once he was sure the tiny was asleep Wilbur let his tears falls.

“I love you,” he whispered over and over, barely louder than a breath, as he hoped to any god there was that Tommy would make it out okay.

[sebstanseabass]

Afterglow (A Bucky Barnes AU fan fiction) - Chapter 14

Afterglow chapters

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

"So, princess, who was that guy you guys were with last night? One of Bucky's rich friends?" Nat asked as soon as she saw you sitting alone in the booth. You stared at the red cushion in front of you and said:

"He kissed me." You whispered. "Bucky kissed me last night."

"Holy shit." She ran so quickly towards the booth that you thought you saw red and yellow streaks behind her, like The Flash. She occupied the empty space in front of you. "Tell me everything. Everything. I want all the scoop. Aaaall of it."

And that you did.

You fed Nat what she'd wanted to hear. From the way Bucky spun you around, to how hot you felt when your bodies collided, to the fiery passion embedded in your short kiss, to how it felt like it lasted forever, to how he tasted in your mouth, to how you savored every inch of his hot breath, to how his veiny hands pulled your waist into his, lips still tangling, to how his face felt so warm in your hands, and finally, to a sleeping devil awakening inside you.

As you told Nat every little detail of your passionate kiss, she looked at you in awe but all you saw through her dark irises was the silhouette of me and Bucky as you kissed last night, with the thousand city lights just outside the window. It would've been the perfect first kiss anyone could have; that you could have.

"Not gonna lie," she said, tucking her chin under her palm, "the way you describe it was so cheesy but wow, that was so romantic. Spontaneous kisses are so romantic. Did you also feel sparks just flying all around you?"

You grinned, still admiring the silhouette you kept seeing in her eyes. "Now who's the cheesy one?"

"You did, didn't you?"

"I don't even know if there are sparks, like, how do you even feel it?"

She shrugged. "You just feel it, I guess. Maybe it's like with people who can taste a number or a word."

"Synesthesia?"

"Yes, that. Maybe it's like that. Who knows? Romance is an enigma. You can't really explain it but you can feel it."

"Huh, maybe there was." You whispered, watching you and Bucky move your lips against each other. The picture was getting bigger now. "I've never really felt that with anybody. You should've felt my heart, Nat. I thought I was going to have a fucking heart attack."

"If you did, at least you would've died kissing a hot guy." She laughed.

"God, it felt so good. He... he felt so good." You said, ignoring her comment. "It also felt, somehow, right. I thought it was gonna feel wrong but it felt so right. Shit, is it too soon to say that?"

"Did you sleep with him?"

"No."

"Then, it's too soon." She answered. "And what the hell, if that make-out session was so hot, what did you guys do after?"

"Nothing. He went to Peter's room to sleep, then I went mine."

"That's it?"

"And then we kissed again this morning."

"And you still didn't have sex?" She hissed. You shook your head no. "Oh for fuck's sakes. I know he's not that old but he's fucking slow. Anyway, you guys kissed again this morning... So, how did that go?"

Oh god, this morning.

With the images of me and Bucky stuck in your head last night, you couldn't even bring yourself to a good night's sleep. All you could think of was how badly — badly you wanted to march in that room, throw yourself onto him, and have his soft lips against yours; you wanted it so badly that you kept pacing back and forth right in front of his (Peter's) room but then decided against it. And then the rest of the night, you wondered if he did the same, or even thought about it.

You woke up with a smile on your face and what you would usually hate in the mornings, you found pleasant. The hummingbirds on the trees sounded like angels sent from heaven, harmonizing with the knocking against your window, and the sun, although nearly blinding your eyes, gave you a sign that today was going to be a good day, if not, then a better day than the days you’ve had. Then you got up, staring at the busy street ahead, thankful you didn't have to go through that, then went towards the bathroom. You opened the door, and just your luck, Bucky was standing in front, his mouth slightly agape at the sight of you.

"Good morning, beautiful." He said, nearly whispered.

"H-hi." was all you could muster, bewildered at the sight of his blue eyes, the same color of that of the high seas, washing over you. "I was about to, uh, go wash up."

"Right, right of course. Go ahead." He stepped aside, giving me space to walk into.

As soon as you were done washing up, you turned around, opened the door, and lo and behold... Bucky.

"Oh wow, it's like, one of those game shows," Nat interrupted, "you pick a door, they open the door then you get your prize."

You chuckled. "Oh, Natasha. You're so weird."

"So... did you get your prize?"

"Nat!"

"What? It was right there!"

And the answer was yes, you did.

Because as soon your eyes met, he wrapped his arms around you and wasted no time finding your lips. You threw your arms around his neck, elbows on his strong, broad shoulder for support. This time, you opened your mouth wider, allowing his tongue inside of you. A moan escaped your lips. The taste of minty mouthwash sitting on your tongue, and overlapping his.

"Wow," you pulled away, grinning, "Hi."

"Hello, doll."

"Hi, good morning."

"Okay, I'm gonna need you to shut up 'cause I'm still not done with you."

"Oh, okay — "

"Not another word, doll."

You opened your mouth to say some more, curious what he'd do if you continued to speak but no words came out; only his tongue coming in first in your mouth. He lifted your body so easily towards the couch, never letting your lips detach. He laid you down, your head landing on a throw pillow, and he hovered over your body.

"And then his phone rang." You groaned.

"Ugh, what a cockblocker." Nat mirrored. "And who the hell calls at seven in the morning?"

"He had some business emergency. He told me he could stay but I urged him to go."

"Why the hell would you do that? You were about to get some." Nat searched your face for some answers. Younavoided her gaze. "Oh, I know. You got cold feet."

"I think so." You replied, nodding and biting your lower lip.

"Please don't tell me this is about Peter. Honey, you're not betraying anyone if you sleep with Bucky or date him. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"I know, I know." You sighed. "Surprisingly, that's not why. Gosh, I haven't even thought about Peter. But yeah, he's definitely not the reason."

Nat stared at you for what felt like forever. "How long?" She finally spoke.

You frowned. "How long the what?"

"How long since your last?"

You paused and thought about it for a moment. "A little over a year."

Nat's eyes almost jumped out of her sockets. "Over a year? Jesus, it's like you're a virgin again. I could never last that long."

"Of course, you won't." You replied. "That's why you went with Steve."

She scoffed. Now, it was her turn to avoid any eye contact she may have with you. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Please. He imprinted his scent on you like a freaking werewolf."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Have you never seen Twilight?" You rolled your eyes. "Deny all you want but it won't change the fact that I could smell Steve on you a mile away."

"Ugh, I thought we were being so secretive." She placed her forehead on the wooden table.

"Then stop having sex at his office."

"We don't — "

"You come in smelling like you, then you come out there smelling like him. It's not rocket science." You shrugged. "How do you even do it there? It's so cramped and full of papers."

"How did we go from talking about your sex life to mine? Let's get back to you."

"There's nothing to talk about." You sighed. "I barely have one."

"The more we have to talk about it." She smirked. "So, who was your last and why was it your last?"

Nat could be so straightforward at times. You didn't know if you liked that about her or not.

"I don't know. Some random guy I met online, and I just wasn't interested in anybody after that, and I have no plans on having a long-term boyfriend then. Or even a girlfriend."

"Why not?"

"My ex-boyfriend wasn't that good to me and I guess I haven't felt anything romantic or... I don't know just something." You replied. "Until Bucky."

Nat leaned back on the booth. "Huh."

"What?"

"I just realized I don't know much about you." She shrugged.

"Nat, we weren't really friends back then; more like acquaintances. But you're here almost everyday now, thanks to Steve."

"We should go out soon, y'know." She said, clearly ignoring your last comment. "Just the two of us and hang out like real friends do."

"Sure, why not." You grinned.

"Anyway, back to you," she continued, "y'know sex is like riding a bike. Once you hop on to him, it'll get to you. And then you ride him into oblivion."

You couldn't help but giggle. "God, you and Steve must have some pretty kinky sex."

"Hey, what happens there," she pointed at Steve's office, "stay there. But what happens between you and Bucky? Should stay with me."

You let out a small huff. "Don't count on it."

"You're gonna sleep with him one way or another, maybe fall in love, who knows?"

"Okay, sleep with him — yeah, sure but fall in love with him? That's a bit of a stretch, Nat. Now, that's too soon."

"I didn't mean now!" She said defensively. "And again, don't speak too soon. Remember when you told me you'd never kiss him 'cause it feels like betraying Peter?"

"Uh-huh."

"Case in point." She smirked, resting her feet on the table. "Just flow where the river takes you. Don't think too much about it. Do what you feel."

The door opened briskly, revealing Steve with his signature denim on denim attire. He looked at you, a feigned confusion crossing his face. "Y/n, you're not supposed to be here."

You tilted your head. "I'm sorry, are you gonna have sex in the bar?"

"Y/n!" Nat reached across the table and slapped your hand.

"Jesus, woman. Don't worry your secret's safe with me."

"That's not what I meant." Steve nervously chuckled. "You have to go to the rooftop. Now."

"Wait," You paused, "you're serious."

"Yes, I am, and you need to go now."

Before you could even ask Steve what you were supposed to do on the rooftop, he was shoving you right towards the door and slamming it in front of your face, kicking you out of his bar. You brought your fist on the door, pounding it, yelling for Steve to let me in. The bastard did open the door only his head was out, looking like a floating body-less ghost.

"Um, hello?"

He flashed you a smile. "Hi!"

"Rogers, what the hell?"

"Just go, y/n. You're running out of time."

"What are you talking about? What the hell is going on?"

"Just do as I say. No questions asked. Goodbye. I'll see you tomorrow."

And with that, Steve slammed the door on your face for the second time that day in a span of two minutes. You let out a scoff and kicked the door, stomping your way towards the apartment, then climbing up the rooftop while thinking of a hundred ways to murder Steve Rogers. But those thoughts soon dissipated, seeing Bucky emerge from a white cottony teepee tent which was sitting perfectly in the middle.

He turned around, your eyes meeting each other. He was wearing a black wool buttoned cardigan, a black shirt inside, tucked in a pair of skinny jeans. He strode towards you, grabbed your face and planted a kiss on your lips.

"Hey," he breathed as he pulled away, "you made it just in time."

You bit your lower lip. "What did you do this time, Bucky?"

"I felt bad leaving you like that earlier this morning so I thought I'd make it up to you." He walked closer and held out his hand. "Come on, doll."

You grinned, placing your hand on top of his and letting him walk you towards the front of the tent overlooking the city — just like last time. The inside of the white tent was big enough for two people (at least). On the ground were a pile of blankets and pillows, and unlit hanging lights on its pointed roof. Upon the pile of blankets was a take-out plastic from a Chinese place.

"Sorry, I only know how to cook breakfast so I got us Chinese." Bucky said whilst sitting down. "Come sit." He said, patting a space on the blankets. You did as he told you to, and was handed a little Chinese take-out box. "I hope you like orange chicken."

"Are you kidding me? I love Chinese food." You said while taking it from him.

"Good, good." He said, opening his.

You looked back at the space behind you, admiring how beautifully messy it all was. Then as your eyes went up towards the hanging lights, a memory took place right before your eyes.

"Remember that thing you said about the hanging lights?" Bucky asked, following your gaze. You sheepishly nodded. "Well, I thought today was the right time to put them up."

You bit your lip, looking at him. "So, this is a date."

"Is that okay?"

"Bucky, we've already made out twice in less than twenty-four hours." You giggled. "I think it's only appropriate, but you should've asked me first, y'know. On my way up here, I was already planning on how to kill Steve for kicking me out the bar."

"Yeah, I called in a favor to Mr. Rogers. I'm glad he agreed." He laughed, popping an egg roll in his mouth. "I apologize for not asking you out on a date formally but in my defense, I like being spontaneous in hopes of whisking you off your feet."

You hummed. "You're not quite there yet, Mr. Barnes. You're gonna have to try harder."

"Challenge accepted."

A gasp came out of your mouth as soon as the sunset hues appeared above, like a painting coming to life. You drowned out the noises from below, and listened to the whistling of the cold wind.

"I know you miss watching the sunset." Bucky started.

"Thank you, Bucky." You smiled. "This is a breath of fresh air."

You stopped blinking for a moment, eyes glazed over the sun about to be cradled by darkness, and then for a brief moment, the afterglow lingered — the remaining radiance in the skies before the night takes over; for a brief moment, your heart stopped.

"Wow." You breathed, watching the moon come up. "I haven't seen that for a very long time."

"Neither have I." Bucky replied. "But the magic doesn't stop there." He turned to his side and flicked a switch, the hanging lights coming to life.

"God, this is so cheesy." You commented, shaking your head at Bucky.

He smirked, planting a kiss on your cheek. "Now, it's a date."

You sat there side by side, enjoying the Chinese take-out Bucky had gotten for the both of you, as he asked you questions about your life before New York — the classic first date stuff. You teased him, "Is this what you usually do with other girls?"

"Doll," he chuckled in a low tone, "I don't do this to other girls."

You set down your chopsticks and faced him. "So tell me, what do you usually do on first dates?"

He laughed. "Well, for starters I wouldn't do all this on a first date — or any date for that matter. It's usually just one date and then it's pretty much over."

"How so?"

"Because I don't plan on keeping them around for too long," He shrugged, swallowing his food before continuing to speak, "because they're not interesting enough for me."

Well, am I Bucky? was what you wanted to ask but you repressed yourself from doing so. "If they're not, what do you guys talk about on dates?"

"Boring work stuff. Nothing I've never heard before." He replied. "How about you?"

You snickered. "Oh god, I don't even remember the last date I've been on. But, I guess, it's just the normal stuff. I ask him about himself, and his family. That's pretty much it."

He hummed, nodding to himself as he lifted an orange chicken to his mouth. "So, how come you haven't remembered the last date you've been on?"

You squinted your eyes, looking out of nowhere. "Let's just say it wasn't much of a date."

Bucky frowned, confused, until the realization dawned on him. "Oh, you mean — "

"Yep." You nodded along. "I'm not proud of it. I just wanted to feel something, I guess."

"Did you?"

"God, no." You scoffed. "Meaningless, is what it was."

Under the bright luminescent lights hanging in the tent, you talked about past relationships. Bucky with his unending parade of girls, and yours with a decent number of people (yes, guys and girls), not exceeding twenty. Unlike Bucky, his were just one night stands and short flings, while you, in those number of people you’ve been with, fell in love with one and had your heart shattered into pieces by the same jerk back in college.

"If you don't mind me asking..."

"He... Well, he," You paused, wriggling out of his stare, "he became pretty abusive."

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

"He also cheated on me," you said, "with my sister."

Here, you met his eyes — his wide, unblinking eyes. "Are you kidding me — with your sister?"

"My sister visited me in college once and they bumped into each other somewhere. She didn't know he was my boyfriend, they hooked up, and then when we met for dinner that same night, all hell went loose."

He frowned, shaking his head. "I'm really sorry to hear that."

"It's okay." You shrugged. "I punched him right after. That felt good."

He smirked, nodding his head. "Attagirl."

From there, Bucky asked you about your family, your life before New York. Comfortable enough to tell him about your past, you did. You told him about the afflictions of being the middle child growing up,  about how you’ve almost ran away from home back in high school, about how your parents constantly badgered you to continue the family business, about how you wanted to chase some silly dream in New York, about how you got cut off by your family, and about how you left them all behind for a new life in New York. You were pretty much close to a definition of an orphan — which you shouldn't have said in front of Bucky.

And then he asked you about Peter and how you met, and how you did back in college.

"That must've been hard." He commented. "Having three guys as your roommates."

"Are you kidding me? I was more of a man than all of them combined." You scoffed. "But yeah, they all sucked. Anyway, that's a lot about me. Let's move on to you." You set down your take-out boxes, seeing that you already done eating. You grabbed the bottle of water, quenching your thirst. "What's your story, old man?"

"We're gonna go with that? Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Come on, you know all about me. Didn't Peter tell you about all those stories about me?"

"You know that's not what I'm talking about, Bucky."

"Let's save that conversation for the next dates to come." He winked, finishing his food.

"Let's see if you're ever going to get a second date from me." You teased. "Depends on how this night will come to an end."

"Then, I'll make this one a date you will never forget."

You smirked. "Your move, old man."

"Challenge accepted."