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charming-charlie · 4 years

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Washed Away pt. 5

Title // Washed Away pt. 5

Pairing // Evan Buckley x Reader

Warnings // Mentions of death and a missing kid.

Summary // Who knew hanging out with Buck and Christopher for a day would lead to a life or death situation?

Word Count // 2.5k

Prompt // Hi! Can i request a fic where you were with Buck & Christopher when the tsunami hit? They could be dating or crushing on each other. If nothing comes to mind, then it’s completely fine to ignore this request! Have a nice day!’

Author’s Note // This is the final part of the Washed Away series. || Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4

Tagged List // @aprildecker-blog @coffeewithoutcaffeine @daddysfavoritesexkitten @chenfordlove @comeasyoudar @carnationworld @averyhotchner @evanbuckos

The sun had set. The day was over, but that doesn’t mean the situation is. You and Buck had been wading through the water for hours, heading to the last place someone said they saw Christopher.

Exhaustion was starting to settle in. You were sore all over too. It felt like you just finished running up and down a flight of stairs non-stop while carrying a bookbag full of weights. Your shoulders hurt, your legs felt like they were going to give out any time soon, and your body was so dehydrated from soaking up and drinking in a lot of saltwater that you pretty much felt delirious.

Finally, civilization was within reach.

A makeshift help spot was set up near the bakery where you and Buck were headed. Water bottles were being passed out and you reached out to grab one. How could something so common look so precious, like it was made of gold?

You twisted off the cap and downed half of it in three big gulps and handed the rest of it to Buck. He finished off the water, nearly gasping for breath by the end. He was exhausted too. You didn’t even know how long you two were walking and the little help was most appreciated.

The people around you looked worse for wear. You couldn’t imagine the struggles they went through to try and save themselves or what their story could be. You were sure it was similar. Everyone lost someone or something in the tsunami and you knew it was going to be hard to get over that.

Then again, did you really want to?

The whole event gave you a new outlook on life and appreciate what you have. You didn’t appreciate your job enough, but you were grateful now. You were a school nurse and you realized you love those kids that you looked after. You loved Christopher, having seen him and checked on him many times thanks to his worrisome father, and it would break your heart to never see that little boy again.

Now is not the time to think about those things. You didn’t know for sure. Let’s not focus on the what ifs.

For a moment, Buck swore he saw Christopher. He saw a little boy clinging to the leg of some woman, and he let out a relieved sigh, only for his eyes to play tricks on him. It wasn’t Christopher at all.

“Mister, are you okay? You’re bleeding,” a nearby passerby said, and Buck glanced down at his hand.

Sure enough, he was.

There was a cut of some kind, and the two of you didn’t even realize it. You frowned, mentally kicking yourself and cursing yourself out for not realizing Buck’s injury. The ex-firefighter sat down, looking worse for wear and you grabbed his hand carefully while examining it.

You ripped off a strip of your shirt to use as a bandage and Buck’s eyes sort of glazed over. Due to his adrenaline, he probably wasn’t feeling any pain.

“What am I gonna do?” Buck whispered as you tended to him, “how am I gonna tell Eddie?”

You said nothing, because you knew whatever you did say wouldn’t exactly be helpful. However, you were there. Side by side, you were there with Buck and Christopher today and everything Buck did was for that little boy. You never seen someone care so much the way Buck does. He has such a good heart and for once, you were hoping against hope that things would work out in his favor. He didn’t deserve this.

After a bit of a break, including some water to get both of your heads on straight, you two were back to the grind. This time, you didn’t have to walk for long.

There was an old mall or hospital, you couldn’t be sure, that somehow turned into a makeshift triage center not too far from where you and Buck were. The two of you practically dashed over to the building and its tents, being careful since there wasn’t a lot of strength left between you.

Buck was looking in the beds, glancing around for anyone that even remotely passed Christopher. You hijacked a few clipboards, searching for Christopher’s name anywhere you can but you both came up empty.

“Eddie dropped Christopher off with me,” Buck began talking to you and you could hear the defeat in his voice. It sounded like he was fighting the feeling of giving up, but he was on the cusp. “He thought it would get me out of my apartment and… out of my head. And you know what I did? I brought him to the pier. I had him, I kept him safe. And then the three of us were on top of the ladder truck and the water receded, and for a moment I felt like I got this. I had you, I had Christopher, and we would be fine. And now Christopher is gone. We checked everywhere. And now I realize I failed. I’m a failure no matter how you look at it.”

You could hear your heart cracking as you listened to him, and you knew nothing you said would change his mind. He was beating himself up over this situation. He did everything he could, and he was still handed the short end of the stick.

Finding Christopher at the makeshift hospital was the last bit of hope he had and now it was gone. You could see the defeat that wavered in his voice and how it hid behind his eyes.

And if that didn’t help the situation, there was Eddie Diaz, tending to a few patients himself. He wore blue latex gloves, had the navy fire uniform on, and was directing a few people into the hospital. Buck nearly choked back a sob as the realization of what to do next was hitting him faster than a wall of bricks.

He had to tell Eddie, and you were going to be right by his side when he did.

However, Buck dashed behind a white tent, pulling you along with him. Turns out he wanted to hide instead of face Christopher’s father.

“Buck,” you said slowly. Your voice was hoarse from lack of water and from shouting Christopher’s name all afternoon with Buck. You felt like your vocal cords were ripped to shreds at this point, but you soldiered on. Now was not the time to accept defeat. “You have to tell him.”

“How?” Buck answered as he looked at you. His hand slowly slipped into your own, and you squeezed his fingers tightly. “How do you tell your best friend that you lost his son?”

“He’s his father. You have to tell him that Christopher is missing,” you said, knowing this was the only chance he had right now.

Buck shook his head, not wanting to hear it. “No, I need to keep looking for him. I need to find him.”

One of your hands instinctively went up to the side of Buck’s face, caressing him lightly. You still couldn’t believe the man in front of you wasn’t giving up just yet, even though maybe he should. You hated the train of thought you were currently on, but Buck was exhausted, and he lost some blood. Plus, it didn’t help that he was severely dehydrated, much like yourself. The two of you were in no condition to continue searching. You probably wouldn’t make it if you tried. You both needed to rest up and regain your strength.

“Buck,” you heard the voice before you saw who it belonged to and your head whipped around to see Eddie. The man was heading outside to continue helping and he looked a bit surprised to see his best friend standing there. Then his eyes fell on you, and the look of surprise seemed to double. “Nurse Y/N, what are you both doing here? Are you okay? Wait, where’s Christopher?”

There was no time to prepare a giant speech. Eddie Diaz was right there in front of you both, and it was now or never. You let go of Buck as you turned to face the father of one of your favorite patients, ready for what was about to happen. This was a conversation you were dreading, and you couldn’t imagine the internal conflicts Buck must be going through as he mustered up the courage to say what happened.

“Eddie…” Buck interjected in between Eddie’s many questions, and the army vet stopped talking.

For a moment, the two best friends stared at each other, like Buck was hoping Eddie would get the hint without saying anything, but you knew that would be the cowardly way out. If there was one thing you learned today, it was that Buck was not a coward. Not now, not ever.

“Me and Christopher… we were at the beach, and I swear to you…” Buck was choking on his words and you squeezed his hand again for support.

Eddie was nodding, trying to understand, but the look on his face was heartbreaking. It was like if he didn’t hear it, it wouldn’t be true.

“I tried… and I just… but I… Eddie, I just don’t know how to say it. Um, he… he um…” Buck couldn’t get through it. He was stumbling over the words and Eddie’s eyes were brimming with the threat of tears as Buck tried to get the words out.

What made it even worse was that Eddie couldn’t even look at Buck. The army vet was looking behind his best friend, like he needed to avoid eye contact with what Buck was saying.

“Christopher?” Eddie questioned softly, like he needed clearance on what Buck was saying, but your gaze followed Eddie’s. A woman had stepped off a truck, carrying a small child. Your heart almost stopped, and you pulled on Buck’s arm to get him to stop talking.

Eddie slowly walked past you and Buck, and he approached the woman. Slowly, Buck turned around to follow Eddie feeling like this was Eddie’s way of coping with denial.

“Christopher?” Eddie called again, and like music to your ears, you heard the little boy shout for his dad.

The woman was carrying Christopher the entire time, bringing him to safety. Tears exploding out of your eyes once you realized what was going on and you stole a glance at Buck. Buck looked elated, like he was about to cry from relief as well. Christopher was alive and in Eddie’s arms, and there was no greater feeling than that.

“Buck, what happened to you?”

Suddenly, the fire crew of Station 118 popped into view. You didn’t know them personally, but you could venture a guess who from all the stories Christopher was told you during his visits to your little office at the school.

Captain Bobby Nash stood in front of the two of you, and he looked deeply concerned. He looked back and forth from you to Buck before asking, “Are you two okay?”

However, your exhaustion was caving in, along with Buck’s. The two of you practically collapsed to the floor and the fire family scrambled to hold onto both of you. That was the last thing you remembered, passing out next to Buck in the arms of his old crew.

It took a while, but the city was in clean up mode. You and Buck had a nice, extended stay at the hospital, hooked up to fluids and oxygen before given a clean bill of health. You were discharged first, since Buck had some lacerations that needed stitching up but the two of you texted nonstop while he regained his strength.

You went back to your job as the nurse at the elementary school, although you also became sort of a guidance counselor to the kids. Turns out, when you were checking for lice or fevers, they needed someone to talk to and you could just relate to them in a way. You were a familiar face in all the chaos, someone they needed to hold onto in order to make sense of things.

Christopher’s appointments never stopped either. In fact, they seemed to be increasing, only because Christopher wanted to talk to you and hang out with you.

“Honestly Eddie, he’s doing fine,” you spoke to Eddie on the phone about his son. You were sitting at your desk, making your daily calls to parents and Eddie Diaz was no stranger to the phone calls. “He’s in good spirits. Nothing is wrong with him, he’s pretty perfect.”

“You know, I never got to thank you,” Eddie’s voice crackled in your ear, “for what you did. Christopher told me how you and Buck saved him, and you have no idea how much I appreciate that.”

The two of you hung up, although there was promises of talking tomorrow. Talking to Eddie was a recurring thing in your life at this point, and you could use the stability.

“Knock knock,” a head peeked into your office, “these came for you.”

The secretary opened your door and placed a bouquet of colorful roses on you desk. There was a white card attached, looking strikingly clean in the middle of the rainbow of flowers.

You pulled off the card and it only said two words.

Come Outside.

Curiously, you stood up and grabbed your stethoscope, draping it around your neck. You never went anywhere without it now, and you weren’t sure what kind of situation you were getting yourself into. You rounded a corner and pushed open the heavy steel door that led to the front of the school. There, standing in all his glory, was Evan Buckley with the most beautiful smile you had ever seen.

“Thank you very much for the flowers,” you said as you smiled at him in return. “Why didn’t you tell me you were out of the hospital. I would’ve sent you some breakfast or something.”

“That’s part of the surprise. So, surprise!” Buck said happily as he approached you.

You just smiled at him, letting his arms snake around your waist as he hugged you tightly. Your arms draped around his neck and it felt so good. It felt familiar.

As you pulled away, you were greeted with something else. Buck, with no hesitation whatsoever, leaned in and captured your lips in a sudden and welcomed kiss. It was all you wanted, all you were waiting for, and you let yourself melt into his arms as he kissed you with such force and determination, you knew you would be a puddle of goo by the end of it.

“Let me take you out on a date,” Buck whispered against your lips, his lips brushing over yours with each and every word, “a real one this time. Just me and you.”

Your heart felt like it would leap out of your chest and you couldn’t manage to bring any words out. Instead, you nodded as you leaned in to kiss him again.

This was all you wanted. You’ve never been happier. You finally had the moment you wanted with Buck and now, a date on the horizon. With your luck, it would be the first of many, you were sure of it. There was no way you were going to let this man go, ever.

#Buck #evan buckley #buck x reader #buck x you #evan buckley x reader #evan buckley x you #oliver stark #9-1-1 #9-1-1 on fox #9-1-1 fic

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12thhouseshakti · 3 years

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Are you bad or broken?

om gam ganapataye namaha

Are you attracting negative relationships? When you look back, is your past riddled with angry reactions and frustrations like divorce or separation or even unstable jobs?

Are you acting out in a negative way? Are you finally sick of the self-sabotage and fixing your own destructive behavior?

Is it your fault?

No of course not. We are human and we need to balance the black and white dog inside of us. Once this is balanced, we will find peace.

Are you filled with anxiety, depression, or fear?

When we reject parts of ourselves, that part of us stays with us. Worse yet it will fester and turn into negative entities or negative shadows.

It’s called our shadow self or our personal demons.

Your ego creates this darkness to protect you. Or at least your ego thinks you are protecting it. This can also be a sign of trauma from childhood or even past lives. There is a hidden lesson there. Once we reveal these parts, they no longer have power.

Remember that the shadow is unresolved trauma – don’t let the ego let you forget that.

We must go into the dark so that we can bring it light. That is the only way to address it. And yes, you can face it.

What is the danger of not acknowledging it?

Hurt people hurt others.

E. Tolle says “Once the pain-body has taken you over, you want more pain. You become a victim or a perpetrator. You want to inflict pain, or you want to suffer pain, or both.”

Ignoring the shadows within ourselves is harmful to ourselves.

Our bodies will suffer as they can be filled with mental illness or mysterious physical illnesses like chronic illness (lupus, fibromyalgia, RA, etc.)

Just look around. Where are you avoiding things? When are you being triggered?

We must answer these questions and face ourselves.

What does the shadow work help us do?

This is the secret part of us we keep hidden. It never goes away. So work with the energy and master it. This is step one.

The shadow self is where the destructive habits and escapism comes from.

When we internalize those shadow aspects we have we actually hurt ourselves. For example, you may stop expressing yourself due to past trauma. This is a good example of how people protect themselves. It seems simple, but it is hurting you because it is blocking what is meant for you.

That is why it affects all our life decisions.

Subconsciously we start to settle for things, or we avoid things. We simply do not want to experience these things. We accept things as faith or it’s in our chart.

This is no way to live.

How do these shadows of deception effect your life?

We do all we can to avoid the trauma again. We do ridiculous things to avoid pain. We even avoid truths that are right in front of us.

Here are some ways we may act out to avoid pain:

We avoid people even though we used to love people. This is because in the past we experienced that people cause pain.

We avoid talking any risk (even calculated ones) because we were put down for being adventurous

We may hide our sexuality because we were shamed for it in the past.

We were cheated on and decided that all relationships hurt so she avoids them like the plague.

Exercise – where do we feel the most pain? Where are we avoiding things or escaping? Write this down and look at it today, tomorrow – until you figure out why you do what you do.

How do we reintegrate ourselves so that we are whole?

There is no way to put this off. You must go right through the emotional pain to get past it.

We must reintegrate the parts of ourselves we hate. Eckhart Tolle calls this the pain body or we will be triggered.

Face the trigger and the pain when you feel it. Stay in the moment. It is hard but when you feel it, you have to sit with the anxiety or the pain associated with that trauma.

Embrace the feelings with your own personal strength. Breath through it. You got this. Acknowledge the way you feel but sit with yourself.

Acknowledge the pain and what it did for you. It is the only way to release it and understand it.

You can use amazing tools to work with your shadow self. Spiritual practices like Reiki or chakra work or journaling are valuable healing tools to help you through it. Yes, this will be hard, but in the end it is worth it.

You are worth it. So, hug yourself for starting.

Exercise – Look at the list of anger and triggers from the first exercise and sit with it. Close your eyes and feel it. Ask yourself in a nonjudgmental way – why am I feeling this? What happened in the past? Look at it and talk to it.

You will start becoming your own best support. You will be your own big sis.

Yes, this is a process that will take time. And although people come in and out of lives to help, no one is coming to save you.

That job is yours. You have to look within and heal.

Be patient with yourself. Please first tell yourself you will not judge you. And makes sure you are doing that. We have a tendency to get into it and we can sometimes forget. This is a shout out to my Scorpio, Pluto and 12th house people of course!

And remember how brave you are for being here at all. When we see our own defects, we are brave spiritual warriors. And for that I honor you for being here.

E. Tolle says: The moment you observe it, feel its energy field within you, and take your attention into it, the identification is broken. A higher dimension of consciousness has come in. I call it presence. You are now the witness or the watcher of the pain-body.

How do you manage your shadow work?

The yogic mantra “so hum” is not only a reflection of the sound of the breath but also carries a contemplative meaning: “I am that” (so = “I am” and hum = “that”). Here, “that” refers to all of creation, the one breathing us all. Hatha yoga may be a good choice for stress management.

Therefore, the translation of So Hum is “I Am That.” or “I am one with the Universe and all of creation.” 

As your focus settles on your breath, begin to employ the simple mantra “so hum.” As you inhale, silently say “so” to yourself and as you exhale, say “hum.” Once the “so hum” rhythm has been established, begin to contemplate the meaning of “so hum.”  

As you inhale with the mantra “so,” say to yourself ”I am”, this connecting to your essential self. 

Each time you notice your mind wander, simply draw your attention back to your silent mantra and aligning the pace of your mantra to the pace of your breath. (https://mindfulminutes.com/the-power-of-so-hum-mantra/) 

*Hatha is one of the most common styles of yoga, and beginners may like its slower pace and easier movements. But most people can benefit from any style of yoga — it's all about your personal preferences. (Mayo clinic). You are where you need to be. Source brought you here to this moment because you are ready to deal with this and move past it.

Hari Om Tat Sat.

Sources:

https://www.newworldlibrary.com/Blog/tabid/767/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/438/DISSOLVING-THE-PAIN-BODY-An-excerpt-from-THE-POWER-OF-NOW-by-Eckhart-Tolle.aspx#.YPxIZuhKjXM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drFXq0SsWWk

https://www.yogajournal.com/meditation/so-hum-contemplation-meditation/

#shadow work #codepency #spiritualhealing #spiritualjourney #awakening #desimom #scorpio #pluto #12th house

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callmemythicalminx · 4 years

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Into The Valley Of Death - Tommy Angelo x Reader (Angst)

Fandon: Mafia Definitive Edition

Warnings: Angst, major violence, blood, explicit descriptions of bodily harm, refrences to sexual assualt, kidnapping, explicit language.

Summary: The gang war in Lost Heaven is at it’s peak. In a twisted and cruel move against Salieri which sets the end of the conflict into motion, you are catalyst which pushes your family charging into the valley of death.

A/N: Please don’t read this if you are triggered by any of the warnings or feel you may not be able to handle what this fic has in store. It’s dark in many ways and I wouldn’t want anyone be affected phsyical or mentally, so please read with caution.

Dedicated to: @kaiiiiiiparkerismyhusband @lolita-wolfson@mayday1284 @xxsamanthaxx @kneelingforvillains@loutino20@levitate-gengar @dorothynerding @blackbladevika @my-blog-for-me @rammstein-obsession @octorebel @demonsouthere

---

Things are tense in Lost Heaven. This gang war is sending shockwaves through the city, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake. Everyone you know is on edge, constantly looking over their shoulder and preparing for the worst. The men are stressed but try to stay immovable in the face of danger, the love for their family overpowering all fear. Yourself and the rest of the women are supporting them in any way you can. Together, you’re fighting against Morello, but you can tell the line is drawing thin. A catalyst to end this war is coming, you can feel it.

You’re all exhausted beyond measure. Late nights spent planning, shootouts in the streets and the losses of those held dear had taken their toll. This was especially evident in your husband- you don’t think you’ve ever seen Tommy this tired before. Being one of Salieri’s most trusted men meant he was constantly out, running jobs. Nowadays, you only ever see him when he comes home, late into the night. He can only muster up enough strength to give you a sweet kiss before collapsing into your arms and falling asleep beneath the covers of your bed. You always lie awake as he sleeps, absent-mindedly stroking his hair while you pray to every god imaginable that he’ll return home safe the next night, the one after, and every other for the rest of your lives.

As you stand in the bathroom of Salieri’s, looking at your pale, wet face in the mirror, you pray even now that he will return home to you. After drying your face and swirling your mouth out, you turn towards the toilet and flush down the remaining contents of what was in your stomach not five minutes ago. You sigh as your gaze slips down to your stomach again. In the dim bathroom light, you can barely see the small bump there. Your hands rise, caressing gently. It’s time to find out. If something happens to you… or him. You need to know for sure.

You leave the bathroom, thankful there’s no one around to ask why you were in there so long. As you make your way back to the meeting room, you pass Sarah who gives you a small sympathetic smile. She’d guessed weeks back after you’d thrown up while she was cooking that you might be pregnant. Not a day later, she’d booked you in for a test at the doctors across the road. You didn’t want to believe it, worried about bringing a child into the world during such a tense time. Somewhere deep inside though, you were excited at the thought of carrying a baby inside you… something beautiful that you and Tommy had created together.

You collect your purse from your desk, closing the account books and locking them away in the safe. You’d finish your work for today as soon as you got back from the doctors. After slipping on your coat, you leave through the back of the bar and head towards the gate around the side. One of the guards, Antonio, frantically runs over to you before you can open it, pushing his hand against it.

“I’m sorry Y/N, you can’t leave right now. We ain’t got anyone on hand to escort you.” This is another thing draining everyone. Straight from the Don himself, he ordered that anytime anyone left their home or the bar, they needed someone with them for protection. You appreciated it of course, but it was exhausting having someone follow you everywhere and you knew the soldiers were always tired too, having to look after themselves and an important family member at the same time. You smile at Antonio gently and place your hand on his arm.

“I’m only going across the road to the doctors, I don’t need an escort today.” At his unmoving expression, you sigh in frustration. “This is a very important appointment- I can’t miss it. You can just keep an eye on me from here, just stand near the gate and you’ll still be able to see me. Okay?” You can see the wheels turning in his head, his face twisting this way and that. Eventually, he must come to a decision as he quickly nods his head and reluctantly opens the gate slightly, enough for you to slip out.

“Just be quick.” You can hear the bite of fear in his voice, so you send a small reassuring smile his way, nodding, before quickly walking across the road into the clinic.

---

As you step out into the sunlight again, you stop and take a deep shuddering breath. Inside your chest, your heart still pounds, hyperactive with all the emotions flooding your body. You’re actually pregnant. You’re going to be a mother. And Tommy… he’s going to be a father. Tears form in the corner of your eyes, slipping down your cheeks before you can try to stop them. You’re overjoyed. Worried. Excited. Scared. You feel like a million questions are racing through your head, your thoughts a jumbled mess. All you can seem to fathom or even understand in the frenzy... is that you’re going to have a baby.

You’re too wrapped up in your happiness to notice the truck parked down the road drive closer. Your jumbled mind doesn’t recognise the men getting out as it slowly moves. The sight of the men in suits doesn’t register in your mind. Nor do the handguns in their hands. It’s only as the truck stops in front of you, blocking the sunlight, that your eyes focus. The glint of silver metal shines in the corner of your eye before a crippling pain explodes in your head and you fall to the ground.

Through a daze, you hear chaos erupt. You hear bullets, shouting, curses in Italian. Strong hands grab you and roughly pull you over their shoulder. You try to speak, to scream for help, but your mouth won’t open. Vision blurred, you can barely register moving onto the street, the gravel swirling beneath you. You feel the breath leave your lungs with an incredible force as you’re suddenly thrown into the truck, slamming against the hardwood. Your lips part to gasp, but no sound comes out. Like shooting stars, you see bullets fly through the material of the roof, hitting one of the goons in the head and narrowly missing another. They leave little holes of sunlight that catch the dust dancing in the air and the blood that sprays as another goon falls to his knees. You hear shouting and then suddenly you're moving, the truck speeding down the street leaving a trail of tire smoke and chaos. Distantly you think you can hear your name being called, but as you slip deeper into the abyss, you can only think of two things. Tommy. Our baby.

---

Tommy’s exhausted. He’s nearly falling asleep behind the wheel as he drives back to Salieri’s, Paulie near passed out beside him. It’d been a long day. The two had traveled early in the morning last night out of the city to one of Morello’s farms, awaiting the arrival of one of his most trusted associates. It was a simple job, all they needed to do was execute the guy and get out safe. But there’d been more soldiers than they anticipated and the target ended up escaping leading to a long car chase. Lack of sleep and general tiredness we’re barraging Tommy like a ton of bricks. All he wanted now was to just head home with you and fall asleep. He just desperately hoped you were already done with work.

As he pulls onto home turf, he’s relatively lax until he begins driving down the road leading to the bar. He spots the shattered glass on the street first, stained red with the blood of the men and women littered like flies across the gravel. When he notices some of the bodies wearing the uniform-like suits of his enemies, his foot slams on the break without a second thought. Paulie flies into the dashboard, yelling gibberish as he looks around disoriented for a few seconds until his eyes settle on Tommy’s pale face.

“What they hell was that?!” His best friend doesn’t answer though. Instead his hands frantically find the handle on the door, pushing it open quickly and jumping out into the street. Paulie looks at him confused for a second until he looks forward at the road, all colour draining from his face as he witnesses the carnage in front of him. He’s quick to follow his best pa as he runs towards the bar.

Tommy can barely think. Unfiltered thoughts are running rampant in his head, clouding his rationality. The only thing he can focus on is you. Checking your okay. Keeping you safe. He pumps his arms faster as he runs round the back and enters the bar, ignoring the guard’s shouts and Paulie’s frantic nonsensical questions to them.

When he bursts into the meeting room, effectively silencing everyone in there, his eyes only focus on one thing- finding you. As he scans every face, each one growing progressively more sympathetic and worried, he can barely stop himself from passing out. Finally, he lands on the final person in the room and it’s not you.

“Boss. I-I… Wh-Where is she?” His words sound surprisingly calm even to him. He can see Sarah walking closer to him, hands outstretched in comfort, feel the weight of Paulie at his back as he finally arrives. Still he can only focus on you.“Tom, I-”

“Where is she?!” There’s a pause. It lasts only a second, but it feels like a lifetime of agony.

“She’s been taken Tom.”

His breath rushes out his lungs. His knees buckle. All he can hear for a moment is his pounding heartbeat in his head. He can feel Sarah grab his arm, feel the weight of Paulie’s hand on his back. Sam appears out of the corner of his eye, his hand rising to rest on his shoulder. His family are around him, comforting him- but he feels nothing. Because you aren’t here.

He barely recognises the gruff, raspy sound of his own voice as he grates “Where?”

“Some of our boys followed them to the docks. We’re going to lay waste to it tonight. Trust me Tom, there won’t be a single recognisable man left alive in that building.” Salieri’s words strike through the fog clouding Tommy’s mind. He feels his blood boil, his heart pounding like a war drum. Tommy has never been an overly violent man. But just this once… just this once - He’s going to kill every one of them for hurting you.

---

Excruciating pain. It ricochets through your head, sears from your palms up your arms like red hot wildfire in your veins. Barely conscious, you flex your fingers in an attempt to escape the pain, the movement almost unrecognisable from the numbness that’s settled within your bones. Through slittled eyelids, you manage to look down. Two long, thin blades slice clean through the middle of your palm, impaling your hands to the sides of the wooden chair you’re sat in. Your blood gathers like a puddle at your feet, dripping down with maddening drops that echo around the small dark room. You can barely tell where you are, your vision too hazy to understand what’s around you.

A sob bubbles in the back of your throat before bursting out of your mouth, the noise grated from the dryness of your throat. You feel like you might puke when you notice your dress has been ripped down the front, your undergarments thankfully intact but pulled tight and misshapen against your skin- someone had looked at you while you were unconscious.

The small bump of your stomach, visible through the ripped fabric brings tears rushing out of your eyes, the pearly drops falling to drip down the slightly swollen skin.

“Ah! Our guest is awake!”

Your head snaps up at the sudden noise, the force sending your vision into a disoriented mess once again. Through the stars in your eyes, you can just about make out the stark white suit in the doorway of the room, almost blinding in the low light. As he walks to stand in front of you, behind him red shadows from what you can only guess is a fire swathe him in a red glow. He looks like a demon masquerading as an angel, the flames seemingly curling around him in the haze of your vision. You know immediately that the man in front of you is Morello.

Somehow, you muster up enough strength to spit at his feet.

In response, his palm strikes against your cheek, the pain wrenching a gasp from your lungs. He’s suddenly there right in front of your face, your eyes forced to take in the sneer engraved into his skin as he growls at you. “Show some fucking respect!”

You take in a shuddering breath, but continue looking into his eyes through the haze of your tears and pain.

“Fuck… You!” You manage to stutter out, refusing to let this coward scare you. Your smugness is only short lived as his fist flies into your stomach, the force hunching you over. Your hands pull at the blades and you scream at the burning pain as they dig deeper into your skin.

Morello laughs above you, turning to look behind him. You hear other laughter and guess you’ve got an audience of his goons with you as well.

“She’s all talk, no bite, ey boys?!” More laughter rings out, echoing in your head. You try to curl into yourself unconsciously, your legs trying to pull up, but they seem to be strapped to the legs of the chair. Almost hanging there, you hunch over limply, your hair now dangling down in front of your face. You can see Morello’s pristine white shoes swiftly turn back to you, the sudden action making you flinch.

One of his hands suddenly wraps around your hair, pulling it tightly around his fist. Before you can even comprehend what’s happening, he’s pulling you up by the stands, forcing a scream from your lips. Your hands rise with you, ever so slightly rising up the blades. By Morello’s scoff, he’s not happy enough with how little you’ve moved as he wrenches you higher, the blades ripping through your flesh so the handles are pressed against your skin. In the silence of the room, your sobs echo, barely recognisable to your own ears. You refuse to open your eyes and give him the satisfaction of seeing your tears, so you squeeze them shut tightly.

Morello growls again, his free hand striking against your cheek. You feel one of his rings cut clean through the skin, a scorching ache immediately settling deep into the skin. The slap forces your head unnaturally to the side, your hair and neck twisting painfully. It makes you yelp, gritting your teeth, but still you refuse to look at him. There’s silence for a few moments except for your heavy, shuddering breaths. Your ears become hyper aware, searching for any sound. They pick up the scruff of shoes coming towards you, the telltale sound of a blade being pulled from a sheath. When you feel the cold edge of the metal press against your stomach, your eyes fly open to see Morello’s face right in front of you, a smug look in the deep pits of his irises.

“We’re gonna have a nice chat dollface. If you are corporate, I might just let you live. If not… Well, let’s just say you and this baby won’t ever see daylight again.”

You try to nod against his hand, which tightens in your hair, not trusting your voice to say anything back to him. He smiles, an expression so vile and haunted, you feel sick at the sight of it.

“Good!” Without warning, he releases your hair, the strands falling through his fingers quickly as your body limply falls back in the seat. Your palms sink down the blades only half way, leaving them propped up unnaturally. Helplessly, your body twitches away from the pain, making it worse as you tug at the blades. You can see Morello’s smile deepen above you, his eyes darkening in the dim light with a hidden evil. Unconsciously, you shrink back from him as he shouts to the soldiers. “Hang her up boys. It’s time we get properly acquainted.”

---

“Jesus Christ Tom, would you stop fidgetin’, you’re shakin’ the car!”

Paulie’s words barely register in Tommy’s head. He hasn't been able to stop moving all day, constantly fiddling with his cigarettes or scanning over the maps of the city. By the time it came to leave, Sam stepped in to drive, knowing his friend was too distracted with fear to get them to the docks safely. But truth be told, they were all out of their minds with worry. Tommy’s leg was bouncing nonstop, his hand twitching every so often over the Lupara in his lap. Paulie hadn’t stopped talking since they’d got in the car, needing to fill the silence so he wasn’t just trapped with his thoughts. Sam was quiet and contemplating like usual, but as Tommy looked at him out of the corner of his eye, he could see his partner nervously tapping his fingers against the wheel, his mind a million miles away.

As they cross through the Works Quarter, the convoy of soldiers behind them sticking close, Tommy feels sweat bead on his brow just looking at their approaching location. He isn’t worried about the goons, he’d killed enough of them to know nothing was gonna stop him from getting to you. The thought of pickin’ such a big fight with Morello didn’t scare him either. No, he was only terrified of what’s happened to you.

All day, his mind has plagued him with images of his enemy’s victims, bloodied and beaten to a pulp. He couldn’t stop the thoughts of you flashing before his eyes, hurt and in pain. Just from thinking about it now, he can feel his heart nearly beating through his chest, his blood sizzling in his veins. God help anyone who gets in his way, because he wasn’t giving any mercy tonight.

“We’re here.” Sam’s voice cuts through Tommy’s thoughts. Immediately, the atmosphere in the car changes, determination and anger filling the air so quickly it nearly gives Tommy whiplash. Behind him, Paulie primes his gun, passing one to Sam who stares ahead, eyes focused.

Looking down, Tommy picks up his own gun, cocking the trigger. He feels the eyes of his closest friends on him, their hands both coming to rest on his arm.

“We doin’ this?” Paulie whispers. A deep shuddering breath. “Yeah.” And so they go... Into the valley of death.

---

You don’t know how much time has passed. As you drift between unconsciousness and awake, all you can do is look down at your stomach through the glaze of tears in your eyes. Morello was true to his word, not laying at hand on your baby. The same can’t be said for you.

Your arms are utterly destroyed, red raw from the damp ropes used to hang you from the celing. Tracks of blood streak from the holes in your palms like dark rain, now impaled once more in the wooden chair you first woke up in. You hunch limply, too exhausted to hold you weight.

After Morello’s soldiers had strung you up, your feet absent of shoes just slightly hanging above the floor, they’d left you alone for some time, just standing there watching you. Morello had sat to the side, smoking a cigar like it was the most normal thing in the world. He read the paper while you swung in the wind, whimpering every so often from the ache of the rope against your skin. The soldiers would laugh quietly, staring at your exposed flesh as you dangled there like a doll. You felt like a piece of meat.

Eventually, Morello put out his cigar and folded up his paper, throwing it on the table with a huff. He picked up knuckle dusters, slipping them on in full view of you and flexed his fingers with an expressionless face. After a beat, he looked up at you and smirked seeing the fear in your eyes.

For what must have been only an hour, yet felt like years, Morello played with your body like a rag doll. He’d asked you incomprehensible questions, growing furious when you didn’t know how to answer. Using those deadly brass knuckles he’d inflicted hit after hit on your face, just above your stomach, anywhere that wasn’t where your little baby grew. He grew tired of hitting you quickly, changing his weapon of choice to a long knife.

In long, drawn out strokes, he had traced it along your body, digging in deeper to leave long open wounds in areas he knew were most sensitive. As he traced you, Morello’s hand had eventually started following, touching you where only your husband had touched before. You’d tried to arch away from him, twisting in the rope, but it was no use. He touched you more… and laughed when you sobbed.

You desensitized yourself to the pain eventually, thinking of an old memory with Tommy with every slice and hit. When you first met and how nervous he was, nothing like the ladykillers Sam or Paulie are. You’re first kiss, under a starry sky after he’d taken you for a romantic meal. The night you gave yourself to him fully, awake till the early hours of the morning in his arms. Watching him sleep after a long day's work, holding you close, always protecting you. As you swung there, you’d imagined what Tommy was doing knowing you were missing. He was no doubt going crazy, you knew your entire family would be. It brought a smile to your blood stained lips to remember just how loved you were. Salieri, the father you never knew. Sam and Paulie, the brothers you always wanted. Sarah, the close sister you could always depend on. The family, an open armed hug of warmth, ready to keep you safe. And Tommy… the man you were lucky enough to call your husband.

It brought more tears to your eyes as you sat alone now, worried about the future. You couldn’t remember how you got back here, you’d blacked out eventually after hanging up for so long. You’d woken up not so long ago, your whole body numb and aching. Everytime you swallowed, you could taste the blood from the wounds on your face, providing little moisture to your dry mouth. Your face has to be swollen, your eyes no doubt black and bruised. It feels like you have weights attached to them, pulling down your eyelids. You begin to lose strength to keep them open and let them shut, focusing on your breathing to keep you awake.

In your mind, you travel back to a calmer time, when there was no war. You imagine sitting down at a table in the bar, gossiping with Sarah. The boys enter the room, Paulie and Sam noticing you first and coming towards you to leave kisses on your forehead. Then Tommy appears, smiling wide. He leans down and presses a gentle kiss on your lips, retreating slightly to command “Scootch”. You laugh, but get up, so he can take your place and pull you into his lap. His breath tickles your ear as he whispers your name. Only, when you really listen, he isn’t whispering at all. It sounds like he’s shouting actually.

You grow confused, your daydream evaporating like a pile of ash in the wind. But still you can hear Tommy, shouting your name.

“Y/N! Darlin’ where are you!”

Your eyes shoot open, looking around manically. There’s no one else in the room. For a second, you lose hope, guessing your mind is playing tricks on you. But then again. A shout, echoing and loud. You hear other voices, ones you know so well. “Y/N, where the hell are you?!” Paulie’s voice. You can hear Sam’s too, strong but panicked.

They’re here.

“Tommy...” You try to shout, but your voice is quiet, grated because of your dry mouth. You try again, but it barely echos around the room you're in now. Panic and hope sets in, pushing you to shout louder. You need them, you need Tommy to find you.

“Tommy!” You can’t say anything else, you just keep screaming his name. Through your shouting, you can hear the voices get closer, hear the worry in their voices. The sound of heavy footsteps against a wet floor gets closer and then suddenly the door of the room swings open, light blinding you for a second. But then a figure appears in the doorway, a body you recognise in an instant. On a sob, you breathlessly whimper “Tommy.”

He’s running towards you straight away, collapsing to his knees right in front of you. His hands reach up to your face, cupping you as gently as possible. You sob louder, tears running uncontrollably down your cheeks in red stained streams. Tommy catches some of them gently, his eyes filling up as he breathes heavily. You hear two other pairs of feet enter the room and stop short. You look up and see Sam and Paulie, mouths open in horror at the sight of you so broken. The former, a man you know to rarely show any emotion, actually sheds some tears, his gun dropping beside him.

Your eyes fall back to Tommy and you begin laughing lightly in relief through your tears. “You’re here… You found me…”

Tommy smiles yet his face is full of pain, hurting for you. “Yeah darlin’... W-we got ya.”

For a moment, you just stare into each other's eyes, lost in the feeling of being reunited. Relief that Tommy’s here. Relief that you’re alive. Sam appearing like a shadow at your husband’s back breaks you both from your reverie. You look up at him but his eyes are glued to your hands, his face emotionalness except for the tears leaking from his eyes. Paulie’s grief stricken face appears next to him, a small sob leaving his lips when he sees your hands too.

“Tom… We-we need to get her to the doc. Her ha-hands…” Sam barely gets the words out, breathing heavily. Tommy’s eyes move from your face, taking in the sight of your palms impaled on the blades. His face fills with anger, his teeth gritting violently. “Those bastards!”

Somehow they all move as one, Paulie going behind the chair and gently pulling you back so he can gently wrap his arms around your shoulders to keep you still. Sam and Tommy each move to a hand, their hands gripping the handles of the blades tightly. You know what’s going to happen, but you can’t help the look of fear that crosses your face at the thought of them being ripped out again. Your husband notices and a few more tears slip down from his eyes, dropping onto your hand when they slowly slip into the open wound.

“I’m so sorry for this darlin’.” Then together with Sam, he pulls out the blades. You scream, so loud and harshly, you see black for a second.

“We need to stop the bleedin’!” Sam’s shouting brings you back into consciousness. You open your eyes to see them quickly wrapping their belts around your hands, cloth from the shirts trapped beneath to stop the blood spurting out. They quickly move onto your legs after, untying them. Once they're free, Paulie’s hands slip from your neck and Tommy replaces them, his arms wrapping around you back after he takes off his long coat.

Slowly, with the help of Sam, he lifts you up, taking your weight as Paulie quickly wraps your husband’s coat around you. It’s oversized on you and envelops you like a warm hug, his scent calming you. You can barely stand up, so Tommy picks you up in his arms as soon as you’re covered, already heading for the door as he pulls you tight against his chest. Looking over his shoulder, you can see Sam and Paulie follow close behind, their faces worried and focused on you.

As you all leave the room, you can see now you’re in some kind of warehouse. You can also see the battle that your family have just had to fight to get to you. There are bodies littered everywhere. Thankfully, there’s more of Morello’s men than your family. Just before you leave the building, a body catches your eye. Though it’s not as blinding as it was before, you can still recognize Morello’s white suit which is now covered in ash, his body burnt and punctured with multiple bullets. It settles some peace in your heart knowing he won’t be able to hurt you or anyone else you care for anymore.

As you step outside into the night sky, the smell of the ocean assaults your scenes. You know immediately that you’re at the docks, not even 10 minutes away from the bar. Salieri’s soldiers are stood around everywhere, helping some injured men and celebrating the end of this war with those still standing. They all go silent when they see you cradled in Tommy��s arms, barely recognisable with all the blood, bruises and swelling. You hear Sam yell at them, only making out him telling them to “make tracks”, before your husband is climbing into the back of a car, keeping you clutched tightly in his arms. Paulie jumps into the passenger side, turning round almost immediately to check up on you.

“How ya doin’ Y/N? We’re gonna take you to the doc, just hang tight.” He passes Tommy a handkerchief as Sam gets into the driver's seat. He quickly stars the car and drives off, titling the mirror towards you to check you’re alright as well. It warms your heart to see your closest family so worried about you. You curl deeper into Tommy’s chest as he begins gently wiping away the blood around your lips, his breathing heavy and shuddering. Even in your weak state, you still ache to comfort him, you hand rising to stroke against his cheek. It’s a featherlike touch, leaving some residue of blood from the gaping wound in your palm, but your husband curls into your hand nonetheless, his face so full of pained relief.

“I’m gonna be okay Tommy. I gotta be for our ba-”

You slip into unconsciousness before you can finish, catching sight of his eyes widening in surprise before your own close fully.

---

You look so peaceful as you sleep. It’s something Tommy has noticed before, but as he sits beside you in the Doc’s home surgery, slowly brushing his fingers through the hair, it’s something he’s glad for after the horrors you’ve just been through. He still doesn’t know exactly what’s happened yet, but he can see just from the trauma that’s been inflicted on your body that it wasn’t easy. In that moment, he’s glad he was the one to kill Morello, painfully slow. He would’ve drawn it out more if he had the chance, but his instinct to find you was overpowering him.

He was right to be so worried. Tommy doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to get the sight of you in that godforsaken chair out of his head. The blood, the wounds, the sounds of your sobs- he shudders, shaking his head. As soon as the four of them had arrived at the Doc’s house, who was ready and waiting with a nurse for backup, it’d be a blur for Tommy. He’d stood helplessly at the foot of the surgical bed, watching the nurse clean you. With every cut and bruise that was revealed, he felt his heart grow tighter, his hands shaking uncontrollably. When the Doc moved onto your hands, announcing he’d have to do surgery on them to try and close the wounds, Tommy had nearly passed out. Sam and Paulie both had to drag him away, thrusting a bottle of whisky into his hands to settle his nerves.

For hours, they all sat together, silent except for the occasional sound of liquid sloshing in a bottle as one of them took a drink. The housemaid came in at one point, putting on some slow music to rid the space of the stifling silence. She left a bowl of water for them each with a cloth to wipe away the blood on the skin. Tommy didn’t move at first, too wrapped up in his thoughts. It wasn’t until Paulie pointed out the droplets of blood and the smudge you’d left after you’d caressed his cheek earlier that he finally moved to wash it away. Salieri had called at some point asking about you and the fate of Morello. It was a quick call, but the message was portrayed quickly. The crime boss had made you suffer, so the boys made sure the favour was returned. After that, they all returned back to silence, plagued with worry for you. Tommy was busy overthinking what you had said to him before you passed out. He was too scared to believe it to what his mind was telling him to be true. He wanted to know you were okay first… he needed it.

Finally, the Doc had come into the room, announcing that you would be alright. Your wounds were severe but with a lot of rest and luck, hopefully your body would heal. There would be scars of course, something that made the boys all hang their heads in sadness, but you were alive. And that’s all that mattered.

Tommy’s brought back to the present when he feels you tug slightly as his hand which tightly clutches your own. He leans closer to you, lightly whispering your name on a raspy breath.

“Y/N, darlin’. I’m here, open up those pretty eyes.” You tug harder at his hand, your face turning towards the sound of his voice. You slowly open them, as much as you can with the bruising and swelling. Your eyes find him immediately. Tommy smiles, laughing throatilty in relief. He leans down, placing a long kiss on your bandaged palm, smiling wider when your fingers flex against his face.

“Hi…” You whisper, your voice raspy. Tommy grabs a glass of water and helps you take small sips, supporting your head with his hand. Your eyes, though half shut, gaze at him with so much love, he feels his heart pound against his ribcage. After he’s placed the glass down, he hears you gasp quietly, his head whipping round to see if you're okay. He calms down when he sees you’ve just spotted Sam and Paulie, hunched together asleep on the couch. It looks quite humorous as the former lies head back, collapsed essentially between the pillows. Paulie lies with his head against Sam’s arms, his mouth opening dribbling onto Sam’s expensive suit.

“They stayed?” Tommy can hear the tears in your voice, the love you have for your chosen brothers seeping into the words. He squeezes your fingers gently instead of your hand, cautious of hurting you more. Your head swings back to his and you smile at him, tears slipping down your cheeks. “You stayed?”

He huffs as if it’s the most silly question in the world. Tommy holds your hand against his cheek as he rasps “Course we stayed- we ain’t goin’ anywhere darling. We were so worried ‘bout you, we ain’t gonna leave you for years at this rate.” You laugh lightly, the sound like music to his ears.

“I don’t know what that bastard did to ya. If you don’t ever want to tell me, that’s fine too. But know this darlin’- I ain’t goin’ anywhere. You’re my girl, this all happened just because your mine. So I’m gonna love you hard for the rest of my life, because I nearly lost you today… and I ain’t gonna waste a minute more. Not with you… or our kid.”

You let out a sob at his words, tears falling harder now as his hand moves to your stomach rubbing gently.

“I-I was gonna tell you t-today. Tommy, I was leavin’ the doctors when they took me. I’d just found out, I-”

“I know, darlin’, I know. I should’a been there with you. I’m here with you now though. And I ain’t ever leavin’ you again. No one’s gonna hurt my family anymore.” He places a kiss on your palm again, moving to your stomach to gently place one there too. Your free hand slowly moves to his hair, stroking through it slightly just like you do every night.

“Come to bed Tommy. We both need some rest.” He can’t resist you. After taking off his shoes and leaving his jacket draped over a chair, he climbs in beside you, carefully maneuvering himself so he can take you into his arms. For once, he’s gonna be the one to stroke your hair as you fall asleep, praying to every god to keep you safe. As his eyes begin to shut and he slips deep into his own slumber, his hand pressed against your stomach, he dreams only of his family and the home you’re both gonna create.

-----

A/N: Thanks for reading minxies. Sorry the ending is kinda meh. I really hoped you’ve all enjoyed though, I feel like this is one of the best things I’ve ever written.

(Unedited)

#mafia 1 #mafia #mafia remake #mafia definitive edition #tommy angelo #tommy angelo x reader #TommyHoes #sam trapani #paulie lombardo #writtenbyme

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ryanmentalhealth · 3 years

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Mental Health Update - 15/05/2021 - 0301

Again, it has been much too long since I last wrote one of these blogs, so I have decided it is time to get everything back off my chest again because I am once again, in a very, very dark place. I have been sleeping on my sofa for more than 2 weeks because I do not have the will power, energy or even the want to put my bedding onto my bed. I sleep for a few hours, wake up, sit at my PC and mess about online all day, doing nothing else. My house is a mess, my health is a mess and I personally am just an overall mess.

My medication has again been changed to new meds, including and anti-psychotic medication which is designed to keep me calm and stop me from doing anything to harm myself in any way. Those thoughts are never far from my mind. Even today, I am sat here wondering what the point of continuing is. I honestly feel like I don’t have the strength or the ability to win this battle, no matter how much I want to! I want to win the battle, I do not want my mental health to defeat me and put me in the ground! I have tried, I tried exercise, I tried walking, I tried getting hobbies and doing new things, none of which has helped me in anyway. I have started a new project which is GTAV online emergency service roleplay and I own my own community with over 100 members, where we roleplay online. This allows me an escape from reality, it allows me to be able to take my mind off the shit times, the low times, the hard feelings and focus on something fun that gives me a good laugh. Right now, I am spending an average of around 12-16 hours per day on my PC. Before people start to have a go at me, I know this is not healthy but right now, this is the only task I have in my life which is stopping me from ending it all. This is my escape, my ability to focus on something and take my head away from the feeling of wanting to kill myself.

I finally have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Thursday, who have agreed to take control of my care from the counselling team, who I did not sadly feel were of a lot of help to me. CBT is a wonderful thing however, sometimes diagnosis and psychiatric intervention is the only thing which is required. I am really hopeful that the Psychiatrist is able to help me and put things in place for me.

Right now, daily, I am exhausted, I am angry, I am moody, I loose my temper quickly over next to nothing and even recently, I have become aggressive at times. I am not a pleasant person to spend time with, which is hard as I love nothing more than spending as much time as possible around other people and my family and friends. They have continued to try and support me as much as they can, they have been checking in on me, they have been forcing me out and forcing me to go and do things with them, which in all honesty, has not really been helpful to me. I am still terrified to leave the house and have deteriorated soo far that I have to ask a member of my family to come down and assist me with taking my bins out as I don’t even feel safe enough to be able to do this! This is how low I am and this is the state I am in. Despite reaching out time and time again, it has taken a very long time for these thoughts and feelings to be recognised and understood and for specialist treatment to be put into place for me.

I am scared, actually, terrified as each day gets harder and harder to continue. I still ignore people, i don’t feel strong enough or able to speak to people for weeks on end and choose to ignore them. Friends, family and professionals are more and more concerned because when they contact me, I do not reply to them. The most I do is send them a small message every now and again to show them I am safe and have not harmed myself.

I will again, like my previous blogs be clear that I currently have no active intention of ending my life, although as a coping mechanism, I do have a number of plans developed in what I would do should I choose to end my life. I also choose to write to myself suicide notes when I feel at my lowest, which helps me when to go back and read over when I feel as low as I do. Often, these help me to understand my thoughts, my feelings and my mental health.

I don’t want to be suicidal anymore. I want to be back to the old me, the happy me, the cocky me, the me who loves to spend as much time as possible with others. That is the person I want to see back.

I am trying my hardest to stay strong and continue to fight with every fibre of by being and I will continue this fight again and again.

Writing these posts are hard as I know they can be seen by members of both my family and friends and many of them do not know or understand just how difficult it is at the moment, made even worse by the pandemic as I feel like I am wasting the time of the NHS with these thoughts and feelings.

In short, I am lower than I have ever been, I am more suicidal than I have ever been and I am more terrified than I have ever been. I really hope the psychiatrist can help me.

I need the help.

To finish off, please always remember to reach out and ask for support if you need it, there is a lot of support out there to help you. Friends, family, support groups, charities, NHS and other organisations are there to support you and they will! I have accessed a few and some of them have been a lot of help to me, others not so much.

I love you all and thank you for taking the time to read this blog, it means a lot to me.

I will provide an update when I have seen the psychiatrist on Thursday.

Much Love,

Ryan

#mentalhealth #wellbeing #suicidal #stress #ptsd #complex ptsd #worry #fear #psychiatry #medical #medication #suicide #selfharm #itsokaytobenotokay #reachout #askforhelp #nhs #deep #heartbreaking

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thekenvioblogs · 3 years

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𝙷𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚘, 𝚃𝚞𝚖𝚋𝚕𝚛

Blog Entry #1, May 06, 2021

𝐻𝑒𝓁𝓁𝑜, 𝒯𝓊𝓂𝒷𝓁𝓇

To be quite honest, I was having a hard time thinking of what my first post should be. This blog has been up for almost a month as of writing but today’s the first time courage and a teeny ounce of motivation came to drop by.

Just like everyone in the planet, the past year has been too much for me to handle. Broken connections, dreams on hold, loved ones lost—the world literally stopped for majority of us. At first, the quarantine has been very beneficial to me. It allowed me to focus on studying for the licensure exams, permitted me to do the things that I wasn’t able to do while I was working, and most importantly rest my body and mind from all the stress I’ve been feeling at the certain time. However, this so-called solace I felt inside the safe walls of our home didn’t last that long; exams were postponed, stricter lockdowns were imposed, personal connections were slowly fading—the undying threat of the virus was and is still strongly felt.

Day by day, it was harder for me to live. I have come to a point that the only thing that was going through my head was to just survive this pandemic. I stopped studying, I disconnected myself from friends and social media, even lied on my bed for days. While it’s true that I always find peace in being alone, this time felt like I was being trapped alone in a dark room not knowing what’s gonna happen next. I just didn’t know where my life is headed to. All I know is that everything is still uncertain.

With my thoughts and emotions all bottled up and continuously contributing to the decline of my already deteriorating mental health, I wanted to find a venue to release all these suppressed feelings that I’ve kept for a long time. This led to me setting up a blog in the hopes of finally being able to take out everything inside my head and my heart—to finally liberate myself from the hands of my own ruinous thoughts.

so Tumblr, I hope you could help me in this journey of regaining all that I’ve lost in these trying times; my self-confidence, strength, passion, and purpose.

𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙠𝙚𝙣𝙫𝙞𝙤

#blog #tumblr #thekenvio #first #post

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erinllouise · 4 years

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Foundations Sprint One - Identity, values & strengths documentation

My core personal values:

Evidence of core values:

Self awareness:

Self awareness is a deep rooted value that I have practiced over the past few years while growing into an adult. I use self awareness to keep me grounded, respect other people and “be interested, not interesting” - in other words, “the world doesn't revolve around you”. I started practicing self awareness and self reflection when I started University in 2018. As part of my degree, we were required to keep a blog and continuously document our work and reflect on our progress. From this, I began getting in the habit or self reflecting through journaling. I found this a great habit to get into as I began to become more self aware of my actions throughout the day, rather than reflecting on all of my actions at the end of the day.

Dr Jordan B. Petersons 6th rule in his book, 12 Rules For Life: an Antidote to Chaos, includes; “set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world”. To me this means no one is perfect and neither are you - I think it is important to remind yourself of this everyday.

Evidential feedback from my mother, Carol:

Erin was an amazing kid – pretty smart and good at sports. She got glandular fever at about 12 yrs old and since then I notice that when she is tired/busy/stressed she doesn’t always take good care of herself physically and mentally. My observation is that she is at her best when she does good/extensive physical exercise and then she sleeps better and is better prepared for life and it maintains a positive mood. I think she recognises this sometimes.

Feedback from my friend and past project partner, Gabrielle:

Here is my interpretation of Dr Jordan B. Petersons rule "Set your house in perfect order before you criticise the world". I interpret this as People can choose to do good or bad, and often it can be tough to do good, and easier to do bad. Lyrics from Morrisey of the band The Smiths reflect this same sentiment "It's so easy to laugh, It's so easy to hateIt takes guts to be gentle and kind". People often focus on the bad things happening around them and the people doing it. You have to find your inner strength and choose to do good, so that your life can be infinitely better, so that you can lose your bitterness and resentment, and that the lives of those around you can improve. Focusing on the bad part of life, the world, and people, can get you down into a bad downward spiral of thoughts that will make you feel like revenge towards humanity and being. Obviously, people have every reason to be bitter about these things, but it does not contribute to a healthy state of mind. This is why people need to focus on the small things they ARE able to change. Living well and being successful in your personal life WILL have a positive impact and influence on those around you. Yep.

Gratitude, empathy, and mindfulness:

I was first introduced to gratitude, empathy and mindfulness when I started my job at Mecca in 2018. Mecca dedicated paid training hours to introduce new staff to practicing gratitude, empathy and mindfulness (gem) in both our working lives and personal lives. I found this felt like a therapy session, it really opened my eyes to appreciating what I have, listening to and respecting the people around me, and being mindful of my actions and words. This also ties into my value of family and friends and being grateful for the amazing people I have.

Evidential feedback from my mother, Carol:

I see in Erin a calmness when she is doing something mindful like painting, where she has to concentrate and that is a good thing for her. Passively watching videos, etc is not always ideal and she could explore a balance there. At times, I see that Erin is very grateful for all the opportunities she has had and everything good that has happened to her but sometimes I do see she takes things for granted.

Cherishing life with no zero days:

I truly believe in hard work and seeing life as an opportunity to learn, grow, succeed and enjoy it. One of my goals for 2021 is to have no zero days. This means doing or creating something each day, no matter how small it is as long as it contributes to my self growth.

Evidential feedback from my mother, Carol:

Maybe also included in the no zero days would be physical challenges/activities as these are important for a balanced life.

Being a self-reliant and competent individual:

I still live with my parents (I am 21, please don’t judge) and they recently went away for three weeks which left me with myself and their sick cat. During this time, I learnt a very valuable lesson, again from Dr Jordan B. Peterson, where you must “treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping” - Rule number 2. I took full responsibility for household including cooking and cleaning and chores, taking full care of a sick cat, feeding her, giving her medication each day, and disposing of her kitty litter waste, and then eventually, taking proper care of myself through diet, exercise, taking care of mental health and being completely self reliant.

Evidential feedback from my mother, Carol:

I see Erin as being very self-reliant and competent. She has always got on with her uni and paid work without really any pushing from me. She is less inclined to be competent when it comes to looking after my car unfortunately, as the rubbish and dirt has grown in it. Thankfully the cat survived her imposed stay with Erin very well and Erin did everything we asked of her in looking after the house and keeping it super tidy, as we had open homes during our absence. I guess it is fair to say that Erin can be a very self-reliant and competent individual when she chooses to be and it is about something she cares about.

My core personal strengths and limitations:

Evidence of strengths:

Communication skills and decision making:

I think I have always had good communication skills when working with other people. I have lead team projects in Uni because I could communicate well and make decisions. I enjoy working with other people and companies, as well as getting to know people in my personal life.

I am good in job interviews and can communicate clear and concisely.

Self awareness, self reflection, and honestly:

As mentioned in my values, I believe a strength of mine in my professional life is self awareness including honesty and self reflection. This ties into my communication skills where I can happily work with people and remain “interested, not interesting”.

Project management and time management skills:

In my final year of University, I completed a paper called Creative Workflows”. This paper consisted of how to management your time, money, task responsibility etc using a creative workflow model in a long term project. I genuinely gained an interest in this paper and still practice the methodologies and management skills when working on personal projects.

Creativity and generating creative ideas:

I have always enjoyed art particularly paiting using acrylics, digital art on my Ipad, creating and editing videos, and more recently, photography (which I am really bad at). All of these artistic skills I use in both my daily habits, hobbies and also my professional/educational life.

I began the Creative Technologies degree because I knew I was a creative person and thrived in a creative environment - not because I was particularly tech savvy when I was 18... I loved coming up with creative project ideas that generally included a mixture of art and design and interactive technologies. This included my final project in Uni which was a group project called Horotiu. Horotiu was a screen-based, interactive installation In Aotea Square that educated the public on the Maori mythology and history of Auckland CBD. This was done through hand-drawn animation (my project partner), lighting design and interactivity.

Task: Using the evidence gathered, describe your strengths and limitations.

Explain a situation where you have had an ethical decision to make. Discuss how you weighed up the values involved in that decision, the decision you made and the consequences of the action you took.

When I was in first year of Uni, I was absolutely desperate for money and decided to work 3-4 days a week while studying full time. This did have an impact of my learning journey and grades and I definitely regret it. That's what Studylink is for!

Describe how your culture has influenced your values and identity.

I think what is most notable about Kiwi culture, stemming from Maori culture, that has influenced my values and identity is kaitiakatanga (being one with the environment, and respecting the land) and manaakitanga (being hospitable).

Kaitiakatanga has influenced me to value respectfulness of myself and others, and further having gratitude, empathy and mindfulness for the people around me; collegues, friends, family.

Manaakitanga has influenced me to value the people around me as individuals and treat them as my whanau. This also ties into self aware in my actions of treating people; being welcoming, “interested, not interesting”.

Evaluate your strengths and limitations in terms of your learning and career development

In a learning or career environment, my communication skills and decision making skills has helped me become the young, ambitious person that I am today. I strived for a degree with high grades that I absolutely loved, I worked alongside individuals, other businesses and industry standard mentors to further my learning and career development. I am grateful to have an ambition to connect with the people around me - everyone has something to offer, everyone has a talent.

What I noticed in studying Creative Technologies is when working in groups there always needs to be a chief decision maker. This was something we practiced in the first year or so. When it is hard to come up with project ideas or move into the next phase of a project there can be several difficult decision on where to navigate the project i.e do we include this feature? is it useful? I found it was a good skill to quickly analyze the situation and make a decision to continue the flow of project. Our lecturers would always say, “just make a decision on something and START IT, whatever it is, and then make more decisions and KEEP GOING”

Identify which of your strengths might help you in your learning journey and how they might intersect with learning obstacles.

One of my strengths, being a good decision maker, I think will help me in my learning journey. But I am not necessarily a good problem solver (that I have noticed) which is what a developer is when programming. I am hoping to grow my problem solving skills throughout this course with all of the individual and group projects.

Share an example from your experience of where you were trying to work productively with others, but there was resistance or tension. Discuss the strategies you used at that time, how effective they were, and your reflections on what other strategies you would try now, and why.

I remember in a group project in uni where we were creating a hypothetical application called Ecocery. Ecocery was a phone app to help users purchase environmentally food products when grocery shopping. You would scan the barcode, and information on the products ingredients, packaging, water footprint and carbon footprint, and how environmentally the brands company is as a whole, would pop up on the screen and give it an overall rating.

I decided to create the hypothetical app using Wix, which contained a section dedicated to informative article on how food impacts the environment. One team member wrote an article about transport for the website which I felt was not relevant and shouldn't be on the website as it is about food. This did create tension between the team member and myself but we came to a rational decision to re-write an article together that was more relevant. We got an A for the project!

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mediagames196 · 4 years

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Intel.Com how to build a gaming pc

Of Wolf's Gaming Blog

It is time to recognize the ideal gaming blogs of the year. EDIT:I applied to watch the Feedback video more than at G4 each and every week, but it's gone down hill the final handful of times I watched it and now that Adam Sessler isn't on it and they have that girl from IGN that absolutely everyone hates in every episode I just cannot be bothered to watch it any additional. Nonetheless worth going back and watching some of the older ones though. Klepic utilised to be on that show and back then in the early days was when it was the greatest. Back when they truly talked about gaming news with some semblance of intellect alternatively of just gushing about what ever game they are told is cool this week.

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I got into action games late but when I did it completely changed how I viewed gaming forever. The game which brought me round was Viewtiful Joe. Right here was a game with a deep and open-ended combat system which seemed to be built as a implies for the player to express creativity. This system is then pitted against opponents and obstacles which had been created from the ground up to interact meaningfully with the core system. The course was fixed, but the process for dealing with that course was absolutely down to the ingenuity, talent and inspiration of the player. You play like you have a big audience watching and the game regularly entices you to strengthen the focus is not merely on getting the player from A to B, the focus is on obtaining the player to play Viewtifully”.

Nowadays is the day! I will be steadily releasing the names of the major ten gaming blogs of 2014. Seeking over this list, I am positively blown away. So quite a few amazing posts this year! If you had been disappointed by the Ennies… if you feel that the true deep thinkers in gaming commentary don't get the interest they deserve… well, people, we are going to fix that.

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charmsgaming414 · 4 years

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What are some good gaming computer brands

Unforgettable Moments In Gaming Aspect Three

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awilko · 4 years

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14 weeks to go, my legs ache.

I have read quite a few blogs from middle aged men doing an Ironman some funny, some dull. I am targeting the first one.

You , dear reader, have 14 weeks of reading this mindless drivel which concludes (hopefully!) with an Ironman in Vitoria Gasteiz in Northern Spain. This will be my third Ironman but the first time I have really had the time to focus on how to improve through well thought out training and taking ownership for what fuels it.

If you’re not aware of the distances involved in an Ironman well fear not, I won’t bore you with them here, suffice to say it’s a long way, it’s really quite tiring, takes all day and is my third biggest sense of achievement in life. Obviously helping to raise two amazing kids who are now fully fledged adults and navigating 3 wonderful years with Mandy come well before huffing and puffing my way round Europe.

My first writing struggle is to figure out why I am writing this, the good news is I think I’ve figured it out. My name is Andy and I want to write a blog over the next 14 weeks for four reasons. Two of the reasons are selfish two aren’t. Let’s start with the selfish one’s and build up to a crescendo of the selfless reasons.

1. I want to motivate myself to do really well. Yep, that’s as selfish as it gets but by sharing with you hopes and targets for times it might just actually help me to achieve them.

2. I want to plug my new company Panoptic Aspects Ltd. Having departed the sexy world of portable buildings (for now, never say never!) I have now set up a new business with an old friend Gavin Rhodes. Panoptic Aspects ventures into the exciting world of visual marketing and by providing 3D Virtual Tours of any building to help our clients promote their funky buildings I am sure we will have fun and provide some great tours of properties to view anywhere, anytime with the click of a mouse or tapping away at a smartphone or tablet. We had a good week last week providing two tours - firstly of a fantastic portable building containing a CT scanner and then the finest pub in Easingwold preparing for normality to resume after Covid-19. Click on the links and have a walk round them both after you’ve done that have a look at the website. More gratuitous plugging to come!

3. Moving swiftly on to the selfless reasons. I would like to encourage anyone who has minimal athletic prowess (just like me) that with a bit of thought on what you eat, drink and do you can achieve a lot and feel really good. Don’t worry I won’t preach!

4. Finally, I want to raise some money for Mind. It’s been 20 years since my first experience of how depression can destroy a life and have massive impact on the lives of those trying to help. This week has thrown up reminders of those days and I would really like to raise some money so others don’t have to be affected by the helpless feeling when your loved ones and friends struggle with mental health issues. Click here if you would like to donate a few quid.

So, that’s the why boxed off, now lets have a look at the how. This week has been a big week, it has seen me cycle 102 miles, run 62 miles, swim absolutely nowhere and complete 4 strength or circuits sessions. That was a total of 20 hours and 46 mins so its no wonder my legs ache!

I’m sure your mind is racing with so many questions about what went on in these 20 hours and 46 minutes so I’ll try and answer a few here:

Monday included a 6 mile run in the morning, then I thought I would wait until the wind and rain was at their worst before going a 42 mile bike ride which included 3 x 20 minute hard efforts. A bike wash was in order after that.

Tuesday included 9 miles of running on the treadmill whilst watching the finest performance at Glastonbury of all time (if you’ve only got 10 minutes to spare go to 1:32 for Ziggy Stardust followed by Hereos.)

There was also a circuits session via Messenger with the fantastic Centurion Circuits and PT. Ian does a great job of encouraging fitness in York and I’ve really enjoyed being a member of this group both online in these tricky times and in person when people used to meet in gyms and do exercise.

Wednesday brought 13 miles of running and 18 miles of cycling which did involve some mechanical issues (this is often the case with me!) but didn’t stop me smiling.

Thursday brought 9 miles of running, a strength session with Ed Nicholson (if you want to avoid getting injured through running and learn a lot about cycling along the way then Ed is your man, let me know if you need a good Physio and I’ll send you his number.) In the evening another circuits session with Ian encouraged by his weekly challenge.

An 8 mile run on Friday morning round the streets of York which seem to be getting busier by the day. Golf with mates in the rain was a bright end to the week despite losing to a German looking Rory Mclroy impersonator.

A bike ride Saturday morning - my mate Lewis Calder was going to come along but managed to break a spoke in the first mile (my cruel luck with bike mechanical issues is clearly contagious!)

The bike ride was combined with helping in the search for a friend. As I write this it doesn’t seem to have ended well, a lovely bloke who I will miss. This inspires me further to raise funds for Mind, men do seem to bottle things up (me included) we need to help remove the stigma of talking through issues. Please donate if you can.

Another strength session after the bike ride was quickly followed by some beers while watching Leeds United get ever closer to a return to the promised land.

16 miles on the treadmill while watching more Glastonbury highlights was today’s effort. Have you ever tried singing “Mr Brightside” by The Killers while running at 6 mph? It’s really hard but very rewarding!

A steady week next week with some tests and rest before starting another four week block of training. Writing this has made me realise how much I enjoy the training process, it doesn’t come without sacrifices but its really self fulfilling making you feel better both above and below the neck.

Well, if you’ve got this far you either really like me or you were incredibly bored before you started. Whichever it is thanks for reading and I’ll see you same time next week.

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turtle-steverogers · 5 years

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WTF is Cats About?

ralbert and cats the musical :)

warnings: none, cept cats the musical (if ur a cats stan, i swear im not making fun of it,,,,just,,,,,cats)

ship: ralbert

word count: 1577

editing: no lmao...CATS

Albert likes to think he’s gotten used to all of Race’s funny quirks and little habits. He’d long since given up on getting him to stop biting his nails and the whole twirling his hair while he relaxes thing is pretty endearing. But there are some things that still surprise him.

Like his utterly amazing habit of withholding big life changes until they’re glaringly important and then announcing them as if he’s commenting on the weather.

Which is why Albert basically spits his tea all over his laptop one morning when Race announces he’s been cast in the fucking Broadway revival of Cats.

Fucking Cats.

Albert doesn’t even know what Cats is about. Not that he’s ever really had the desire to know. The whole show is a little too...furry for him.

It had been a mild Sunday morning up until then. The sky was clear and blue and the sun rays hit just right on their bed, waking them up, but not disturbing them. They’d lounged around for a few hours, switching between lazy morning cuddles and tiredly making out. Life since moving to the City together had been exhilarating. The freedom they’d once yearned for so heavily was finally at their fingertips, lending them the time to focus on their dreams and basking in the post college glow of their early adulthood.

Race worked at the local pizza joint when he wasn’t auditioning for whatever he could find casting calls for (which apparently included fucking Cats the fucking musical). It was a good gig for him; it kept him busy and entertained. Something Albert struggled to do single-handedly.

Albert on the other hand worked at a dingy mechanics shop a few blocks away, fixing up old cars on the side while working his way through the prestigious culinary grad program he’d somehow managed to get into. All in all, they were doing well for themselves as 24 year olds living alone in New York City.

Somehow, they’d managed to drag themselves out of bed and into the kitchen, where Albert fixed them a modest breakfast of omelettes before docking at the counter to sort through some emails.

Race was sitting next to him, absentmindedly petting Chips, their orange tabby, when he states, “I got cast in the Broadway revival of Cats.”

Albert pauses mid-type, glancing up at his boyfriend, who’s still intently looking at Chips, running his hand down the length of his back, “You what!?”

Race takes a deep breath, then repeats, “I got cast in the Broadway revival of Cats.”

Albert’s been rendered speechless by Race plenty of times in his 6+ years of knowing him. But he’s never felt quite as...dumbfounded before.

“You got cast...in Cats?” He asks slowly, before shaking his head and backing up, “Wait, no, hang on, hang on...you auditioned for fucking Cats?”

Race ducks his head, a blush forming under his collar and around his ears, “Uh, yeah, I meant to mention it...but it never came up?”

Albert blinks again, “Who- what- what even is Cats?”

Race goes to answer, then closes his mouth hastily, “I don’t...actually really know…”

“How don’t you know? You’re in the damn show!”

“I was only just cast! I don’t know it that well yet!”

Albert makes a choked noise, “Okay, but you should at least know what the fuck the show is about if you went through a damn audition process- wait, when was this even happening? What- I’m so confused right now...my fucking boyfriend got cast in a Broadway musical- FUCKING CATS- and I didn’t even know he was auditioning.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you!” Race says, looking alarmed at Albert’s impending Cats- induced mental breakdown. Chips gives an annoyed meow at the lack of attention being bestowed onto her and leaps off the counter, trotting away to find Queso, their golden doodle.

“I mean, you’re not entitled to tell me everything about your life, just...wow, I mean, this is big,” Albert scrubs a hand down his face, “I didn’t do anything to make you feel like you couldn’t share this with me, did I?”

Race’s face softens, “No, of course not, Albie,” he sighs, reaching across the table and linking their hands together, “I just got caught up in everything...sometimes things just feel so busy and overwhelming and I like to process it alone before letting other people in on it.”

Albert squeezes his hand, “That’s understandable,” he smiles, bending down to kiss his knuckles, “And congrats! I’m so proud of you! I mean, fucking Broadway...my boyfriend’s gonna be on Broadway.”

Race beams, “Thanks.”

“We have to celebrate,” Albert concludes, “I’m calling Spot and the others. You better not have work tonight, ‘cause we’re going out for drinks.”

Race shakes his head, bemused, as Albert pulls out his phone to text their group chat.

“Fucking Cats…” Albert murmurs as he sends the text, “Fuckin’....Cats.”

XXX

“Can you say that your bite is worse than your bark? Are you cock of the walk when you’re walking alone? Because jellicles are and jellicles do, jellicles do and jellicles would, jellicles would and…”

Albert freezes in the doorway to their apartment, slowly closing the door behind him as he strains his ears. He follows the sound of the weirdly tempoed music to the kitchen, where Race is bopping around by the microwave, reheating last night’s dinner of chicken curry.

“Hey,” Albert calls, setting the groceries on the counter.

Race glances over, flashing Albert a smile and turning down the music a few notches.

“Hey, yourself,” he says, pulling his bowl out of the microwave and stirring it a bit with a fork to cool it down.

Albert crosses to him, pecking him on the lips quickly and grabbing a glass for water.

“Jellicles can and jellicles do, jellicles can and jellicles do…”

Albert wrinkles his nose, “the fuck even is a jellicle?”

Race shrugs, shoveling a forkful of curry into his mouth, “Dunno, some type of cat? Google it.”

Albert hums, “So this is Cats then? Interesting music.”

“I know, it’s kinda weird,” Race says, perching at the counter, “But it grows on you. Rehearsal started today, so…”

“Yeah, you mentioned that,” Albert places his glass in the sink and leans against the counter, “How’d it go?”

“Pretty well, I made a few friends,” Race says, “Jojo’s in it.”

Albert smiles, “No kidding! That’s crazy.”

“Right? I didn’t even know he was auditioning!”

“Seems to be the trend with this show.”

“I get it, I get it,” Race rolls his eyes, looking a little guilty.

“Jellicle songs for jellicle cats, jellicle songs for jellicle cats, jellicle songs for jellicle…”

“If they say ‘jellicle’ one more time I’m going to shoot myself,” Albert growls.

Race whips his head up, eyes slightly wide, “Oh, honey, you are not going to make it through this one…”

“Fantastic.”

XXX

“Hey, Race, have you seen my- WHAT THE FUCK!”

Race turns away from the bathroom mirror, fixing Albert with an innocent look.

“Have I seen your what?” He asks.

“No,” Albert says, pointing a finger, “First answer what the FUCK happened to your face.”

Race turns back to the mirror, dabbing some more orange cream foundation around his eyes. Disturbingly, Albert notes that his makeup design looks very similar to Chips.

“Gotta do our own makeup for the show,” Race answers, padding a generous amount of setting powder around his face, “I’m practising.”

“Right…” Albert rakes his eyes over Race’s features. So far, the makeup only spans on his face and down his neck a little, “What else does your costume entail exactly?”

Race grins wickedly and Albert swallows.

“Oh, you’ll see.”

XXX

“Do you like my tail?”

Albert slowly closes his book, praying for strength as he looks up. Race is standing by the doorway, rehearsal bag dropped at his feet. His face is smudged- like he tried and failed to clean off all the layers of his meticulous cat makeup. He’s dressed normally in adidas workout pants and a random t-shirt from a color run they did years back. Protruding (Albert doesn’t wanna know how, but alas) from his backside is an orange tabby cat tail.

“Did you choose to be the same kind of cat as Chips? Or was it some sort of creepy coincidence,” Albert deadpans, refusing to look at the tail longer than he has to and keeping his eyes fixed on Race’s face.

Race’s smile drops a fraction of an inch, “Wait, it’s weird that I chose to be her breed?”

Albert groans and picks back up his book.

XXX

“Congratulations!”

Albert is met with a faceful of Race’s blond curls as the cast comes swarming out of the stagedoor. He smells like makeup remover and sweat, but Albert doesn’t care as he kisses him, pride swelling in his chest.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the exhilarating feeling of seeing Race shine onstage.

“Thanks!” Race looks high on adrenaline and Albert never wants that light to leave his eyes, “What did you think?”

“You were so good! Everyone was! And the music was all better than I first thought it would be,” Albert said, playfully swaying them back and forth where they stood, keeping his arms wrapped tightly around Race, “Just one question.”

Race cocks his head, “what’s up?”

“What the fuck is Cats about?”

Race tips his head back and laughs, “I still have no fucking clue.”

the word ‘cats’ doesn’t even sound real anymore and i think that’s fitting

thanks for reading, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

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#newsies #newsies fic #albert dasilva #racetrack higgins #ralbert #Cats on Broadway #FUCKIn #cats #...#sdkjalfkjs #OK #yell at me

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too-many-kinds-of-different · 4 years

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The joy of choosing yourself

If you have read my introductory blog you would know there’s a lot in my past I want to talk about. But I also don’t want this blog to only exist in past tense so today I’m going to talk about how I’m in the process of switching careers.

So four years ago as a senior in high school I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. To be completely honest I wasn’t in the state to really make any decisions about my future, but that’s a different story. So I let my family decide for me. Since I was good at math and science, my sister told me to take an online course in coding. I did fairly well at it, and so it was decided. I would be a Computer Engineer. It would lead to a well paying job and the field had many immigrants in it and would thus it would be easier (but not easy) to get a work visa should I come to the states. And for four years I tried my hardest. I joined the robotics club at my college and went for hackathons. I tried my hardest at my classes and was almost a straight A student.I convinced myself that this was where I was meant to be. But eventually came time for an internship. And this where things started to fall apart. I simply could not sit for 8 hours doing something I was not passionate about. I would find excuses to hide in the washroom just because I didn’t want to work. One such day, I was texting my bestfriend in the washroom (because I had already gotten in trouble for being on my phone so much at work) and feeling quite frustrated with how I was completely unable to focus on work. Feeling very upset, I told him something I had thought about a lot but never had the guts to tell many people, I wanted to be work in the mental health field.

I loved psychology and helping people and had volunteered on warmlines before but it was still a dream I was afraid of dreaming. But this was the day I took that leap. I started making concrete plans. Because I realized, I couldn’t spend my life knowing I would be happier doing something else. But it was a long path from there. I still had to convince my family and there were added complications such as my visa status. I’m too much of a Type A personality to leave things to work out on their own and so I planned, planned and planned until I finally reached a place where I was at least moderately confident that this could work out for me. Then I started telling the other people in my life.

So that’s where I am right now. Honestly, this decision came and lifted a giant weight, that I didn’t even realize I was carrying, off my shoulders. I’m still scared, of course. This is definitely the riskier choice in some ways. But it’s my choice, not made to please anyone else and there’s a satisfaction in that. This decision definitely doesn’t align with what I was taught growing up, that smart people chose financially rewarding careers like engineering, but it does align with the values that I have come to choose for myself, like compassion and altruism. And lot of coming of age for me has been about finding these values and learning to stick by them. It’s been about coming out in more ways than one. So for anyone out there struggling between that society has told you should want and what you actually want, I hope you find the strength to choose yourself because even just the choice, in itself, is so rewarding.

#career #psychology #therapy #career change #difficult choices

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tinkeringwithcannabis · 5 years

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Tinkering with Cannabis: The First 90 Minutes Episode 55

Strain: Night Terror OG

Company: Sira Naturals

Locations: Somerville, Ma

Cannabis Connoisseur: Molly

Website: www.siranaturals.org

Hello again to all my cannabis loving and canna-curious friends, and welcome back to another episode of The First 90 Minutes. Today we will to toking and talking about an amazing sleepy-time strain I picked up from my friend Molly at Sira Naturals in Somerville, Ma, Night Terror OG. When you look at these buds, they are pretty tiny, but don’t let that fool you, they pack a strong punch. With THC levels measuring up to 19%, Night Terror OG has been said to leave patients feeling relaxed, happy, sleepy, euphoric, and uplifted. The top three terpenes in this product are myrcene, pinene, and limonene. Myrcene has been found beneficial in aiding in pain relief, boosting of the immune system, and working as a sedative. It can be found in mangos, lemongrass, hops, and chamomile to name a few sources. Pinene is utilized as a memory enhancer, an anti-inflammatory, it has anti-tumor effects, is an anti-bacterial, and it has also been found beneficial as a bronchodilator. This terpene also helps aid in focus and awareness as its bronchodilator effects increase airflow, therefore increasing oxygen to the brain and improving cognitive function and enhancing memory. Pinene can be found in rosemary, eucalyptus, sage, and citrus fruits. The last primary terpene, limonene, is used to combat anxiety, depression, and stress. It has a citrus aroma, and is found in lemon and orange rinds and juniper. With these as the top three terpenes, it is no surprise that patients have found success in treating stress, pain, insomnia, depression, and anxiety with this strain. As we move forward into the testing portion of this segment, I want to note that the potential negatives we are looking for are dry mouth, dry eyes, dizziness, anxiety, and paranoia. Now, without further ado, let’s light up, sit back, and relax as we toke and talk about the first 90 minutes.

Today I will be medicating to combat severe depression, stress, anxiety, body pain, and nausea. Opening up the bag, the first scent I get is berry with notes of pine. This is then followed up by light diesel notes. Taking the first of the three hits from a glass bowl at 8:19 p.m., the flavor is primarily berry with notes of pine. There is a slight, muted lemony diesel aftertaste, but I feel like this can be easily missed by the strength of the primary flavors. After only three minutes I can feel the effects starting to come on. There is a slight shift in my ability to focus, and mentally I feel more relaxed. By 8:29 p.m., my body feels extremely relaxed and I feel myself entering a couchlocked state. This is having a positive effect on the minor body aches I am experiencing. It has also helped to decrease the nausea. My mood is lifting, and I sense a bit of euphoria beginning to set in. On the downside, there is a strong sensation of dizziness and shakiness that has come on, along with an onset of sound sensitivity. The sound sensitivity is making everything seem louder, which is a little anxiety provoking and is making it difficult to fully assess where I am in this testing segment, which is why I have decided to retire to the quiet of my room to avoid too much stimulation.

By 8:49 p.m., I am noticing an additional negative has come on, which is a minor case of dry mouth. The dizziness is still present, but lying down in bed and watching a movie has made this negative a non-issue. My mood has entered a happy state and is still holding, and the euphoria is accompanied by an overwhelming sense of mental and bodily relaxation. As expected, this is not a strain that I would use to try to accomplish tasks, regardless of how big or small. This is due to the lack of focus experienced, which is so intense that I currently would not be confident in saying I am fully capable of getting my things ready for the next day. I am discovering that the best option thus far for this strain seems to be allowing my body to melt into the bed and my mind to get lost in a movie or show that does not require much concentration. At this point, my nausea, anxiety, stress, depression, and body pain have all subsided, so this has proven to be an extremely beneficial product thus far. Rolling into 9:29 p.m., it appears that my earlier assessment of allowing myself to melt away on a physical and mental basis was the best option. All of my issues remain at bay, and the intense physical and mental tranquility has me feeling as though nothing could phase me. Not only has this strain brought me relief, but it has also stimulated my appetite, which has been a problem all day. The dizziness does seem to have tapered off, however the dry mouth has persisted and a bit of dry eye has come on as the fatigue has started to set in. This is the first time all day that I have not been nauseous and that I have had an appetite.

Rounding the corner to our 90-minute mark at 9:59 p.m., I am ready to sleep. The physical and mental relaxation has taken hold, lulling me into a dreamy state where I am ready to fall asleep. I feel as though I am sinking into my bed, and although I am still experiencing a peak in my appetite, the sleepiness far outweighs the hunger. I am not experiencing any changes in the effects at this point versus the last check-in, with the exception of the continuing increase in fatigue. Given that I am feeling calm enough to sleep, and my stress, anxiety, depression, nausea, and body pain continue to remain at bay, I am going to take this opportunity to get some sleep. Before ending this test, I will also note that the dry mouth and dry eye has subsided, but there seems to still be some dizziness remaining, which is definitely tied to the sleepiness associated with this strain.

Diving into my final thoughts, I really enjoyed this strain. The flavor was great, and the effects were spot on for what I was looking for. I actually got one of the best night’s sleeps that I have had in a long time. This strain not only hit the nail on the head as far as flavor and its ability to lull me to sleep, but it also was extremely efficient in settling my anxiety and stress, increasing my depressed mood, and in resolving my nausea and body pain. Furthermore, the effects came on quickly and I began to notice improvements in my overall being within the first ten minutes. To reiterate from earlier, this is definitely not a strain I would use when attempting to complete tasks of any importance. Between the fatigue, dizziness, and lack of focus, I would not be able to confidently say that I could properly carry out anything beyond opening a bag of chips and a soda and turning on the TV. I would recommend to anyone planning on trying this strain that they should set themselves up ahead of time. Be sure to setup a nice and comfy spot in your favorite, quiet area of your house, stock up on your favorite snacks and beverages, and setup your Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, or any other service or device you watch your favorite movies and shows on, and prepare for a lazy and very relaxing experience! Regardless of the main negatives, which were dizziness, dry eye, and dry mouth, I still have to give this strain a high rating. The dizziness is something I experience with anything that makes me sleepy and some dry mouth and dry eye is a small price to pay for such relief, and for such a great night’s sleep! I highly recommend this for anyone with stress, anxiety, bodily pain, lack of appetite, nausea, and especially those who are struggling with insomnia. All things taken into account, this strain rates a 4.9 in my book! Great job Sira, keep up the amazing work!

If you are a patient, or adult above the age of 21 in Massachusetts, check out the following link for where you can purchase this product:

https://www.siranaturals.org/where-to-buy-cannabis-massachusetts

Well my friends, we have reached the end of this review. Thank you for joining me and stay tuned for more product reviews!

Disclaimer:

*****Please remember, this blog is an account of my personal experience with this product. Not everyone has the same experience with every product and that is okay. I always recommend starting out with one or two hits to see if that is enough , and you can always increase your dose from there.*****

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asweetlovemessage-blog · 5 years

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a sweet good morning message for my love | TAM RELAX

bacsiykhoa.com

- My Blog 13-17 phút

”

==>> A Sweet Love Message.

When it comes to Southern romance, it's no secret that choosing the right words is important. Crafting the perfect romantic message and expressing how much you care about someone may be difficult, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. If you need a dash of inspiration, explore these short love messages and quotes about love for a little help with telling your beloved just how much you care!

==>> a sweet and romantic love message.

==>> a sweet good night love message.

==>> a sweet i love you message.

10 Brainstorming Techniques & Tips for Tapping Into Your Creative Side by Quincy Seale 12-16 phút

Some of the links in this post may be affiliate links. If make a purchase through these links, we receive a commission at no extra cost to you. Please see our disclosure for more info.

James Allen wrote this about thought: “Man is made and unmade by himself. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also creates the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. Between these two extremes are all the many grades of character, and man is their maker and their master. ”

So if man is the maker and master of thought, how do you go about learning to harness your own thoughts to create a better reality and become a more efficient, more productive, and more successful human being?

Well, obviously there are plenty of ways to go about such an endeavor, but today I want to talk about one of them. Brainstorming.

Because in order for us to get better at thinking, we first need to learn how to produce more thoughts. The more thoughts we have, the more chances we have to bring something more exciting into this world, and the more we generate new thoughts, or brainstorm, the better our mind gets at creating these new ideas. The Key to Brainstorming

The key thing to realize about brainstorming is that it’s solely about creation. It’s not about judging the ideas that arise or forcing yourself to think a certain way. What it really is, when it comes down to it, is “forceful creation.” To put it another way, you are willfully forcing your brain to be creative.

And since creativity is something that should be allowed to run its own course rather than be intellecualized, the entire process is a bit of a contradiction.

For this reason, it is a process rife with confusion and hesitance. So today I want to go over some different brainstorming techniques you can use. And you can use these to attack any problem in your life – from coming up with a new marketing strategy for your business to writing a new book to launching a new website to designing a new life for yourself.

Let’s have a look. 1. Mindmapping Software

Mindmapping Software

Photo Credit: Wikipedia

The first tool I want to introduce is actually software, and I realize this might sound extremely counter-intuitive and possibly counterproductive. After all, how in the world can you tap into your mind’s innate creativity with an electronic-based program?

But I stand by my assertion that mindmapping software really is priceless when it comes to this type of thinking, and it’s very hard to describe until you just dig in and give it a try.

The type of software I’m talking about specifically is the kind used by MindJet MindManager and Freemind.org, the latter of which, as the name applies, is downloadable for free.

The way these program works is you have an empty page with theoretically as much room as you could ever need. You click on the blank slate and create a bubble or box, depending on which program you’re using. You then write in the box the main idea you’re working from.

Let’s say, for instance, that you’re planning out a new website. You might write the name of the website here. If you click on another place on the page, it creates new nodes that comes out from that. You might lable one “Marketing,” one “Products,” and one “Audience,” for example.

Then from each of these nodes, you can create other smaller nodes. From “Marketing,” you might branch out to “Follow-up Marketing,” “Social Marketing,” “Branding,” and so on.

And you keep branching out and getting more and more specific until you’re just hammering out specific ideas for each segment of the web you’re creating.

This is just one way to use it – your mindweb or mindmap can be ogranized however you see fit.

And of course you can also do this type of mind-mapping technique on paper. But I find it way more productive to do it with software. It’s like a whole new world of creativity opens up to me when I match the speed of my mind and the speed of a computer with this old technique. 2. Become a List Whiz

Become a List Whiz

Photo Credit: matthewvenn | Flickr

A great way to train yourself to be more creative is to get in the habit of writing lists. Set time aside everyday to write lists about random things, or pressing problems when needed. Feel free to write about zany, irrelevant lists if you can’t think of anything better; it’s really just about strengthening your idea-generating muscles.

Lists I often write include stuff like, “10 Novels I Would Like to Write,” “20 Businesses I Could Start Tomorrow,” “10 Blog Articles for My Site,” or chapter lists for books I want to write someday.

Do this each and everyday and watch your creative muscles grow. 3. Mastermind Groups

Mastermind Groups

Photo Credit: rosefirerising | Flickr

Mastermind groups are a fantastic way to leverage the thoughts, knowledge, and inspiration of others in your path to success and happiness. Masterminding is nothing more than surrounding yourself with like-minded people who have similar goals.

You can create a formal group that sits down and actually involves in group discussions or brainstorming exercises if you like. It’s a platform where you can bounce ideas off of each other and take turns commenting on them.

You can also create something more semi-formal, where you meet every once in a while and sit down to discuss issues affecting your central industry or interest and then fill each other in on your individual challenges and invite ideas.

Or it can be completely informal. Just go out of your way to work out and socialize, etc, with people on the same path as you – mastermind ideas and inspiration will usually evolve naturally through your social interaction.

Online forums are also a good resource for masterminding and you don’t even have to ask people to specifically brainstorm. Just make a thread about the issue or situation and people will chip in with their different experiences and opinions. 4. Meditate Before You Brainstorm

Meditate Before You Brainstorm

Photo Credit: illusivemind | Flickr

One of the best ways to make yourself more emotionally healthy and tap into your creative juices is to develop the habit of meditation. After all, it’s hard to break into your intuitive side if your mind is filled with the clutter and stress of everyday life.

Meditation doesn’t have to be far-out or religious either. Just think of it as learning to calm and focus your mind. To mentally recharge. I make it a habit to meditate everyday as a part of a morning ritual I perform upon waking every morning – after working out and cleaning around the house. Just a quiet ten to twenty minute meditation.

Directly after this meditation is a great time to do a brainstorming session. In fact, you can make it a habit to brainstorm every morning after your meditation on whatever is currently your biggest goal, idea, or challenge. 5. Brainstorm in Your Sleep

Feeding yourself issues to handle while you sleep can often yield incredible results. Sometimes an issue is more appropriate for your subconscious than your conscious mind, and in cases like this, active brainstorming is nothing more than walking in circles. When you get in bed, meditate on the problem or idea for a minute, asking your subconscious to give you a solution by morning.

It can feel like magic at times. 6. Group Passing

While I do recommend masterminding, I’m actually not a big proponent of brainstorming in groups. Not that I don’t know they have enormous potential, but I’m just more of a solo-thinker myself and I find I don’t get as much out of them as most people do.

But if there’s one group-brainstorming exercise that really works well, it’s the concept of group passing.

Basically, you start with the central idea, or the foundation of what is to be brainstormed, and the first person in the group expands on that idea, without any input from the group. This person can even be tasked with coming up with the idea to be brainstormed.

Then they pass the paper to the next person and that person expands on it as they see fit. The idea is passed then to the next person and it evolves even further. The paper goes around the entire group and then the final result is shared with everyone.

Another thing I like about this tactic is that it can be done without physically getting together – over the Internet. Google Docs is a great way to do it; the online documents are easily shared and editable among the group. 7. Write It Out

Write It Out

Photo Credit: Abdulla Al Muhairi | Flickr

Using a good old pen and paper will never lose its effectiveness when it comes to letting your thoughts run free. In fact, some people prefer this as your mind works faster than you write, so by the time you finish writing down a thought, you’ve already got another in mind. In contrast, when many people type, they find themselves starting and stopping a lot, resulting in a much choppier process.

Do this any way you like. Free-writing is particularly effective for letting your mind run free. Write lists – this is a common brainstorming method for people who don’t even know what the word means, so it seems our minds intuitively work that way. And of course, you can create mindmaps.

One of the best things about writing is you can take this technology with you anywhere. Get a small notepad and keep it at all times, pulling it out when new thoughts cross your mind. I find this puts me in a constant brainstorming state, and I walk around creating throughout every minute of my day.

This type of constant approach allows you to catch yourself at your most creative. When intuition strikes, you can just sit down and get to spontaneous writing.

Whiteboards are also very effective. Hang one in your house with your major projects or developing ideas on them and it makes it official. You look at it and you get inspired. You have an idea and you add to it. It evolves as time goes on and sits further into your mind. 8. Give Yourself Omnipotence

I like the way Tim Ferris does this in his dream-lining technique. When he goes to goal-set, he asks himself what he would accomplish in three months time if he was the richest and smartest man in the world, and then starts from that foundation.

This essentially gives you liberty by removing all limitations. You don’t stop yourself from brainstorming down a certain path because “Oh, I’d need a couple hundred thousand dollars to do that” and then move on to another idea. Instead, you arrive at an idea that doesn’t recognize any boundaries and figure out a way to make it possible. 9. Brainstorm the Outlandish

Take the previous technique a step further by imagining nothing as impossible. Some of mankind’s greatest feats were accomplished when people decided to figure out a way to do something no one believed could be done.

How can we hurl a huge chunk of metal through the air so fast that it stays aloft and use it to carry people around the world? How can I create a light that never goes out so we don’t need fire to do the things we can usually only do in the day-time? How can I manufacture a device that allows me to talk with someone on the other side of the world as if we were speaking face-to-face?

The only way to produce impossible results is giving yourself impossible challenges and attacking them with your mind. 10. Walk Away From Thinking

Walk Away From Thinking

Photo Credit: bbcjk.king | Flickr

Sometimes you get too wrapped up in a problem and can’t extract yourself from it, so somewhere along the line in your brainstorming you may run into a dead-end or keep going in circles. What’s happening here is you’re trying to think yourself through it rather than tapping into your creative side.

Often, it’s best to get out from behind the computer or desk and go for a walk or do something that completely removes you from the situation. Your brain may just need downtime to sort things out, and you’ll often find that minutes after it’s out of mind an epiphany strikes. The Power of Thoughts

Thoughts may be the most powerful force on Earth.

In fact, they are so powerful that the existence of life on Earth is at risk due to things our thoughts have created – a worrying problem, no doubt, but a wild reality to contemplate.

Look around you. The computer mouse in your hand. Your laptop itself. The software that powers it. The table it sits on. Look up at the ceiling – the walls surrounding you and the building containing the room. The streets outside and the entire city laid out around you.

Everything you see and touch that is made by man was created first in the mind of a person and went through a process to be turned into a reality. In fact, some philosophers, and perhaps even some scientists, would go as far as to say that your entire reality is but a thought, and that your own thoughts can be used to direct and create the world around you.

I don’t want to get too esoteric on you today, but it’s clear that thoughts are an extremely valuable resource that has been recognized and even held in awe by wise-men throughout the centuries.

Will you be wise enough to see their value? Pick one of these brainstorming exercises and use it to start mastering your thought-creating capabilities. Tackle one of your greatest challenges today. And make doing so a habit. ”

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airbender-dacyon · 5 years

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Life and Kataang Week Delays

So I’ve been thinking about writing up this post for a while now, but haven’t had the chance until today. Its part explanation as to why there were so many delays and inconsistent updates with Kataang Week and part cathartic exercise for me personally. If you’re curious about what happened, feel free to read. I think this is more for me than anyone else, but like I said, it also serves as something of an explanation for how I poorly handled Kataang Week this year.

Before I get into the details, I’d just like to give a huge shout out to everyone who has offered me kind words and support these last several weeks. It means the world to me. And I sincerely apologize if I forget a name or two; @kristallioness @thecaroliner @the-rosey-one @s-n-arly @mindatworkk and @secretsecrettunnel

And thank you to everyone who participated in Kataang Week or helped spread the word that it was still happening.

If you’ve followed my personal blog for a while, you know I’m prone to hiatuses due to personal life or more likely, my anxiety/depression. And while I can more or less manage that outside of the internet, my online presence suffers. I spent far too long as a recluse back in 2013/2014 hiding away from friends and family in real life by retreating into the internet. I have no desire to return to those days. So despite my best efforts, much of this year I was unfortunately unable to maintain a consistent presence on tumblr.

The source of much of that anxiety was my former warehouse job, which I just very recently left. The work itself was not terrible, but after the first few weeks it transitioned from a 40 hours per week job to 50-60 hours per week. The mandatory overtime, combined with family obligations, left me with very little time to focus on my personal life. The pay wasn’t as great as previous jobs I’d held, the benefits were crap, the management was more concerned about hiring new employees than retaining current ones, and overall the experience just left me physically drained and apathetic towards the job/company.

Additional anxiety came from working towards entry into graduate school, just prior to starting said former job. Although I was accepted into the graduate school of my choice, I still have plenty of work to do before the semester starts in a few weeks. Again, most everything in my life was put on hold or pushed back thanks to that warehouse.

And although my exact area wasn’t directly affected, Southwest Ohio has been dealing with a lot this year. Several tornadoes tore through the region, heavy rains affected farming and roads for weeks, and much more recently, the shock of the mass shooting in Dayton. Again, while none of these have directly affected me, I personally know friends and family who were affected. And while we were fortunate to not have friends or family lost in the Oregon District, we are saddened at the loss of life and terrified at how quickly such a tragedy came about, especially in an area we imagined was welcoming and safe.

All of what I mentioned above was plenty to deal with, but I think I would have probably been able to keep up with Kataang Week/tumblr had I not been dealing with the grief that I am.

Around February/March, I learned that an old high school classmate and friend committed suicide. I scrambled to try and remember when we had last spoken and realized that – with the exception of possible, since deleted conversations on facebook – we likely hadn’t talked since graduation several years ago. I have vague memories of them – I know what they looked like, their voice, their general attitude and personality – but whenever I try to really remember events or exact memories, I draw blanks. And I think that hurts me as much as actually losing them because in a sense, I’d already lost them in my memories before I lost them in life.

On a similar note, I’ve learned about other friends I’ve known from high school and college and how some of them have changed and… I’m not sure what hurts worse on that front – uncertain if we’re really friends anymore or that I discovered these developments on my own/they didn’t trust me enough to tell me directly. Some of them I lost when I became a recluse in 2013/2014, others I don’t really know when. And I know people grow and change through life, but it hurts all the same.

Within days of hearing about my classmate’s suicide, I learned my last living grandparent – my grandmother – had passed away. She had suffered from Alzheimer’s/dementia for about five years now, declining with each and every visit until other relatives managed to move her to a nursing home to provide her with better care. I hadn’t seen her in well over a year by the time she passed due to the distance to travel to where she lived and the next loss I’m going to talk about. I cried after the fact, but up to and during her funeral, I just felt numb.

It was these losses that caused the initial delays for Kataang Week this year.

For almost the last two years, the greatest obligation in my family life was to visit another relative – a member of my immediate family – who was suffering from a rare disease.

My mother was misdiagnosed with Parkinson’s some years ago and she fought valiantly to maintain her life despite the rather aggressive onset of the disease. By the time she was reliant on a cane, she had to quit her job and apply for disability. The next year, she was reliant on a walker; less than a year later, a wheelchair. As her motor control and strength were taken from her, so was her mind in bits and pieces. She became confused and forgetful more often, slurred her speech and lost her voice some days, among other symptoms. My father and I did the best we could to make our home accessible to her, but eventually even in a wheelchair she became largely reliant on the two of us.

My Dad shouldered most of her care and for far longer than he probably should have. After speaking with a neurologist about the possibility of a surgical procedure (deep brain stimulation, I believe – known to help ‘reset’ the brain for Parkinson’s patients and give them independence and motor control again for another 5-10 years), we were informed that my Mom wasn’t actually afflicted with Parkinson’s.

The disease she actually suffered from is known as Multiple System Atrophy (often referred to simply as MSA) and presents itself as ‘Parkinson’s on steroids.’ It is much less common than Parkinson’s and there is no cure. After symptom onset, those afflicted with MSA live for an average of 7 more years before succumbing to complications (most often respiratory related) resulting from the disease.

Eventually it became too difficult to care for her at home and we moved her into a nursing home. So when I was home from school or off work, I spent as much time as I could with my Mom in her new home. As a result, 10 hour days followed by several hours at the nursing home didn’t leave me with much time for tumblr/Kataang Week this year.

She sometimes had enough strength and mental aptitude to move herself around in her wheelchair, other times she was still reliant on family or staff. She made new friends and eventually came to accept her situation. She knew she was declining and often wondered what she had done to deserve such a cruel fate.

Within the last year, she became almost entirely confined to her bed. She didn’t have the strength to sit up long enough in a wheelchair for anything other than short trips through the nursing home for her personal hygiene. On days she was more mentally ‘with it,’ more aware of her situation, she was very depressed with her situation. The best days were when she could hold conversations and laugh, despite everything. However, the good days increasingly became fewer and father apart. She began to eat less and simply stare at visitors.

After almost two weeks of staring with little talking and poor appetite, I had a good day with her. She was smiling and talking with me. She ate a decent dinner that evening. We laughed at funny commercials on the television and family stories. It was a good day. I thought things were going to start looking up, getting better. I wish I had stayed with her longer that night.

I don’t think she ever spoke more than a few words after that night. The poor appetite and vacant staring returned, interrupted only by an occasional spark of consciousness or smile. Within a week of that last good day I spent with her, hospice told us she was likely not going to live much longer; she passed not even a full day after hospice told us that.

We had been living in a state of perpetual grief as we watched her slip further and further away these last several years. But to lose her so suddenly still cut deep. We were also relieved that she didn’t have to suffer anymore.

My Mom’s rapid decline and death happened in the final weeks leading up to Kataang Week. I tried to get things situated well enough for the week, but I failed. I appreciate everyone’s support and patience this year and Marie for helping out when I needed it most.

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TL;DR - Work, weather, and deaths of friends/family piled on the anxiety/depression and delayed Kataang Week.

So if you’ve taken the time to read all of this, I thank you. I feel a little lighter now that I’ve written it all out. And if you made it this far, I’d just like to say – the next time you see your parents or a loved one you haven’t seen in a while, give them a hug. Tell them you love them. You never know how much longer you’ll have with them. Sometimes the death of a loved one is sudden and unexpected. Sometimes it’s an inevitability you’ve feared for years. Either way, it hurts like hell.

To end, I’d just like to wish all my mutuals, friends, and followers – and their loved ones – long, healthy, and happy lives. And again, thank you all for your boundless support and friendship.

- Dan

#Dan rambles #Personal #This is really rambly and a mess and I didn't spellcheck or anything #But its something of an explanation

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