#i felt like pop represents me better in terms of vibes

[internetxanarchy]

woe, trollsona be upon ye

meet my trollsona Pixie :3 i discovered that pixie is a subgenre of indie that i listen to a lot + my obsession with the oh hellos inspired me today!! ANYWAY WHERE MY FELLOW INDIE TROLLS AT 🗣️🗣️🗣️

[beels-burger-babe]

Obey Me Character Song Thoughts

***DISCLAIMER: These are my blind reactions to the song. They're my opinion and based off of my personal taste in music as well. You are free to agree or disagree with them as you please, just please no hate***

Lucifer / Arcadia :

Surprisingly, I really like the music in this. I don't usually like electronic music, but this one was nice. His voice isn't my favourite, but is still good. NOW THE LYRICS!! Oh dear. Oh my. Oh boy. I was not expecting to catch feelings for Lucifer today, sir. How dare you do this to me. Update: I just got to the second verse...He's a yandere. He is fucking yandere. He's still so full of himself as usual and I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE BUT I ALSO WANT TO KISS HIM GAAAAAAAH!!!!! LUCIFER YOU ASSHOLE! UPDATE UPDATE: FINAL VERSE! AND THEN THE PRICK GOES BACK TO BEING A ROMANTIC CHARMING LITTLE SHIT 😡😣😖 Final thoughts: I- I- this whole song was a rollercoaster. I love to hate lucifer and hate to love him. I really do. This song embodied that perfectly. I did enjoy the song though.

Mammon / Are You Ready? :

Opening thought. I am not ready. Very not ready. Mammon is amazing in that art 😍.

Okay, now being serious, I'm sorry Mammon. I adore you to BITS, like so so so much. But this is exactly the kind of EDM that I despise. BUT, I bore through it and kept listening. I don't hate his voice, but he's sing talking. He's not quite rapping, he's sing talking. So it's meh. FUCKING UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE: THE CHORUS!!!! THE MF CHORUS!!!! HE SINGS! HE CAN ACTUALLY SING (still not best but pretty good)?! AND THE MUSIC SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER THERE WHEN IT'S SLOW- ... ... ... the auto-tune on his voice on that English line 😤 WHY?!! I WAS JUST GETTING INTO IT!!!

Lyrics time: Honestly, it feels like Mammon got drunk, picked up a mic and started singing to MC, and I mean that in the best way possible. He's being honest in a way we've never seen him be honest before, and he calls himself a tsundere 😂 I love it.

Now the chorus lyrics: I love the chorus. It's so Mammon and just perfect. I love it. The lyrics just- *sighs* it's that possessive side of him that makes him the dork that he is. Okay. t-the lyrics...the lyrics also give me MAJOR suggestive vibes and I'm just here like 😳😳😳 MaMmOn PlEaSe WhAt ArE YoU DoInG?!

Final thoughts: The lyrics are also quite repetitive, which is another pet peeve of mine. All in all, it's not bad. It's just not for me. I'm so sorry Mammon 😭😭😭 That being said, I think it suits Mammon fairly well. Not perfectly, but good.

Leviathan / My Chance:

Opening thoughts: THIS TITLE IS SO CUTE AND IT'S PERFECT FOR HIM uwu Also, the vintage game-esque music is just perfect for Levi's aesthetic. Like, the light piano mixed with it gives me Undertale vibes?? Even before he starts singing, I just think it's really cute and it makes me want to hug him. Again, I'm not in love with his voice, but it's still nice. I do enjoy it.

Lyrics: LEVI BABY ARE YOU OKAY?! SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A THERAPIST 😭😭😭

Chorus: It's so sad, but this is Levi's reality. This song embodies him and everything he is so so so well. It really is perfect for him. But seriously bro. Let me hug you. And then we're gonna work on your self-worth issues because oh boy That last verse though. Oh my goodness 🥺🥺 It is the very definition of pining.

AND THEN THE FINAL CHORUS!!! HE'S BEING SO HONEST ABOUT HIS ANXIETY AND I JUST- 😭😭😭😭 LEVIIIIIIIIII!!!

Final thoughts: *clears throat, wipes tears that are totally not there* Right. So it's obvious that I enjoy this one. It just screams Levi and suits him so well and it also just breaks my heart so...yeah.

Satan / Read My Heart:

The piano. THE 👏 FUCKING 👏 PIANO 👏 So beautiful! The fact that his song is so soft and slow when he himself is meant to represent something so strong and violent is simply poetic. There are moments where I love Satan's singing voice in this and there are moments where I don't like it as much. HIS VOICE IN THE CHORUS IS MY FAVOURITE 😭 So sweet. So just- I love him. I love him so much.

Lyrics: So honest, but I feel that this is almost like a letter from Satan of all the things he wishes he could say. Also, remember that dork who can't say love words out loud headcanon we talked about earlier today? He literally confirms here 🥰🥰 Aww Satan

Chorus: AGAIN! SO HONEST WITH HIS FEELINGS AND HIM TRYING TO KNOW HIMSELF 😭😭😭 It's just so beautiful Stunning. I love it. This one hits all the markers for me. I'm calling it now. I think his lyrics are my favourite, and possibly my favourite song in general. It's just such a beautiful love song. Filled with what he so desperately desires but also his fears and it's so honest it hurts.

Final thoughts: This one made me cry. Like, literally made me cry. It was just so beautiful and perfect. I mean, there's a sad line that uses cats as a metaphor 😭 It's fantastic. Amazing. I can't praise it enough. Where I feel everyone else so far (except poor Levi, poor baby) had something that implied...suggestive things, Satan is just so desperate for love. To feel and experience it and everything that comes with it, and it's just- I love it.

Asmodeus / Pomade:

I actually really really enjoy the music here. It's more pop than EDM and I appreciate that. It's nice. Asmo's voice is also really pleasant to listen to. There's just something about it. I like it a lot. When he holds his notes, it just has this amazing sound and I dunno. I just like it a lot! AND HIS FALSETTO!! HOLY SHIT! AMAZING

Lyrics: I mean... It's exactly what I'd expect from Asmo. It doesn't feel like it's being sung to the MC though. At least not at first. It almost feels like he's singing to an audience at the Fall or something.

Chorus: It's a little more personal, but I feel like we're still only getting that one side of Asmo. We're shown in the second season that he does have insecurities and that there's more to him than being self-obsessed, and I'm kind of disappointed that the song doesn't show that.

Second Verse: We're finally getting personal here. Okay. The table has been turned and now Asmo is finally talking about how he feels about MC and that's more I like it!

Final thoughts: Now that I've listened to the final verse and chorus, I GET IT NOW! It's a story. It's how Asmo first felt like all that was there for him and all he was made for was pleasing the audience. Then you came and it was just a game of trying to make you fall for him, just like he had been able to everyone else. And finally, him realizing that it's him who has become captivated by you and that he loves you! It's actually really sweet and I love that. Sound-wise, this song is fantastic! The music really compliments his voice and it all suits Asmo's character really well.

Beelzebub / Hungry Six-Pack:

So ya'll already know I adore Beel and this ROCK MUSIC AND HIS VOICE MADE ME SWOON! His voice! His voice is FANTASTIC! And the music IS AMAZING!!! I just love the guitar in it. It's (pardon me for this) it's just so damn sexy and I love it so much! THE BRIDGE OF THE SONG IS DAMN HOT OKAY?! I CAN'T GET OVER IT!

Lyrics: What I love about the lyrics is that they confirm my theory of Beel actually being physically impacted by his appetite. He says that it can cause him to get dizzy and I'm just here like 🥺🥺 We really get a sense here of how Beel is actually desperate to stop this appetite. He hates how it impacts him. He hates how it impacts those around him. And I just - 😭😭😭

Chorus: It fucking slaps! The up tempo is just *chefs kiss* and I love everything about it. And the words 😳 Damn Beel...Damn. i love him so much even though if you really think about it these words HURT

THE SECOND VERSE WITH DRUMS IN THE BACK JUST MAKES ME WANT TO JUMP AROUND IN A MOSH PIT! I LOVE THE SOUND OF THIS ONE SOOOOO MUCH! IT'S SO GREAT!

THEN IN THE LAST CHORUS WITH THAT HIGHER OPTION NOTE THAT HE HOLDS AND SHAKES AND I'M LIKE 😍😍😍 GOD I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH

Final thoughts: As you can clearly see, I love this one. Now, lyrics-wise, I found a comment that really broke down the lyrics in terms of Beel's insecurity with his appetite and his sin and how he struggles with that and it made me appreciate the song all that much more and I just- I love this song. (The comment was left by Felix The Lemon on this if you don't understand the utter heartbreak of this song, please read this) Maybe it's my bias towards Beel. Maybe it's because it's rock. But this one, overall, is my favourite.

Belphegor / Dreamscape:

I love the almost lo-fi sound to it! It's perfect cause a lot of people use lo-fi to sleep. Very clever producers. Very clever. I both hate and love his voice at the same time and I DON'T KNOW WHY! Like it has a bit of a filtered sound to it, but what genuine sound I can hear through that filter is really really nice and I love it. I TAKE IT ALL BACK HIS VOICE IN THE CHORUS 😭😭😭 HE HAS MY FAVOURITE VOICE OF THE BROTHERS BY FAR! OH MY GOD IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!

Lyrics: GAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH! OKAY OKAY OKAY!!! So! These lyrics are so great because it's showing that soft side of Belphie that I adore! It's not his teasing side, it's the side that only Beel and MC really get to see and I just- I love it.

The whole "I will always wait for you" for some reason made me think of when he was stuck in the attic where literally the only thing he had to look forward to was MC coming to set him free and update him on how Beel was doing. And then afterward, he had to wait for them to be comfortable around him again because he knew that he messed up and he had to wait for their forgiveness. And then finally, Belphie has to wait for them to notice his feelings, amongst the obvious more showy feelings of his brothers and to hopefully maybe choose him 😭😭😭 SO GOOD

Second verse is his insecurities and I just ao;dusg;bfjnaduoh;szvbjxaui;dvkjx AAAAAAHHHHHHH I LOVE IT SO MUCH I CAN'T EVEN PUT IN TO WORDS!! WHY DO I LOVE THIS?!?!

FINAL THOUGHTS: THIS SONG ALONE HAS CAUSED ME TO FALL IN LOVE WITH BELPHEGOR ADU;SFBKJACDZS IT'S JUST SO PERFECT!!! His voice! The sound! The words! It has it all! I know I just said Beel's was my overall favourite, and I'm so so sorry Beelzebaby, but Belphie takes the cake. We get his anger, his sadness, his fondness, HIS DESPERATION, IT JUST HAS SO MUCH EMOTION!!!! I CAN'T GET OVER THIS SONG!

~~~~~~~

The songs were all incredible and I love them to bits. I feel like I know the brothers better know and I know have more feelings for Belphie than I know what to do with, so there's that 😅😅 If you're still here reading this, thanks for joining me on this chaotic journey and dealing with my bullshit. Love you guys ❤❤❤

[inhibited-irregularity]

EUROVISION 2021, personal favorites:

- Russia 🇷🇺

Manizha, Russian Woman: Absolute favorite. The sheer originality of the song! Her energy and the level of absolute badassery! She can sing, she can rap,and she's a bomb of energy. The way reggae and brass and hiphop and Slavic melodies overlap and it somehow works, the transitions between fun and "I'm bitter about the sexism and I'm mocking it unapologetically and making a stand" and the anthemic, emphatic and powerful message to Russian women; I was swelling with emotion while watching her. While to an American or a Westerner it may seem like performative feminism, I'm gonna remind you that in Russia and other Slavic countries that's very much not a thing and actually a very unpopular stand to make, and in Russia, The Balkans, and Eastern Europe in general, hundreds of women face domestic and sexual abuse on the daily, and those who do come forward rarely get support and are mostly dismissed. Let's not forget that Manizha got a huge backlash from the Russian government officials, and a big part of it was for her Tajik roots. The honesty of her message is real, and she's speaking from personal experience and the experience of women around her - nothing performative about her song, and you can tell from her delivery that the fire within her is true and she leaves her heart on the stage and pours it into the song. The staging and costumes are great as well, and symbolically well thougt-through. I would really like her to win, or at least get to the top 5. Most of all, I hope her message is heard and felt. 10000/10

- Italy 🇮🇹

Måneskin, Zitti e Buoni: definitely the closest thing to my actual music taste this year, so liking them off the bat wasn't a surprise. However, they're not just your regular Franz-Ferdinand-ish young alt rock band that wants to do rock "properly" - they have IT. The X factor, the Je ne sais quoi. I've been exposed to that particular genre, and I can confidently say that the song still manages to be refreshing and original (that bridge, those riffs!) The band has a great energy and no matter how much Damiano steals the show, they are still a unit and nobody is left in the shadows. They have the spirit of great rock bands of the previous century, and yet they don't try to copy anyone (khm,Greta Van Fleet, khm). Damiano's vocals are both powerful, seductive and provoking, and I'm still admiring the sheer amount of emotion he can pack into a single line and the nuance and yet rawness behind it. I'm not gonna state the obvious lol (the obvious being yes, I'm thirsty as well, he becomes yet another unattainable rockstar for me too,and yes they all look great) Anyway, great song, and maybe the clearest and most serious candidate for the number one spot, taking both the jury and the public into consideration. 10/10

- Iceland 🇮🇸

Daði Freyr and Gagnamagnið, 10 years:

What can I say about this masterpiece that hasn't already been said? A clear fan-favorite (hi, Valentina), but with the guns to back it up. The song is contagious, fun and campy, and unlike some other songs with said qualities, actually good from a musical perspective. Daði is incredibly charismatic and his sense of humor shines through, and even though he's the star of the show, the same can be said about the other band members. The synergy Måneskin has can be applied to Gagnamagnið as well, even though the energy is entirely different. They're serving us fun, sunshine, kitties rainbows sugar spice and everything nice, and manage to do it with zero cringe factor (plus those funky keytars). I'm one of those Eurovision fans that lament the golden age's (2004-2009) campiness (We'll never forget you, Verka), and Daði managed to bring it back, but modernised, polished and still sincere. I personally preferred the epic dad joke that slightly more commercial Think About Thing was (but that's one tough act to follow), but I'm always down for a husband adoring his wife and singing praises to their relationship. Since we're on tumblr, I feel obliged to use the term "cinnamon rolls" in describing Daði and the band. 9.5/10

- France 🇫🇷

Barbara Pravi, Voilà: She brought the theatrics, she brought the drama, and she brought the 101 in "that's how you perform". Her personality leaps through, and her voice is both beautiful and full of emotion and power. I'd hire her to star in a serious and artistic movie. Despite the fact that Voilà is from its melody to the singing style to the video to the vibe and the aesthetic hands down the most French thing I've seen since Amélie (do not come for that movie), it miraculously doesn't come across as a cliché, but rather an homage, and an individualistic one at that. It's not entirely my cup of tea, since I'm usually biased to songs that may come off as snobbish (I mean, the jury is going to lap it up), and are all about being proper and technical and oh how ~artistic~, but Barbara puts the soul into the immaculate. I'm not giving her the highest mark because I'm yet to see the performance, but I'm rooting for her. If she delivers the performance, we might have a clear winner. 9/10

- Ukraine 🇺🇦

Go_A, Shum: I'm a sucker for all things ethnic and mytological, so this was a no-brainer. I want that song played at every party. I want to go to the forest in the video and chant and summon the spring with flute and hard-bass. Kateryna Pavlenko has some unexplainable power over me, and her eyes are simply hypnotizing. The vocals are great, proper Slavic ethno right there (seriously, check out Slavic folklore and traditional music), and she has a subtle punk quality too(?). Ukraine came to save the spring and make us forget about the pandemic, and minus the Maruv fiasco (justice for her!), they always deliver and I expected nothing less. On the other hand, I loved the original version much more and couldn't help but be a bit disappointed with the revamp (yes, I know they had to), and while I personally love Shum, I think some other acts are more deserving of the higher placement. Go_A are not my winner, but definitely soon to be in my playlist. 8/10

- San Marino 🇸🇲

Adrenalina, Senhit ft. Flo Rida: You know that golden age of Eurovision I mentioned? THIS. I'm Serbian, so I can't resist a banger reminiscent of our horrible turbo-folk elements (and I say that endearingly,takes me back to 18th birthday parties (boy I'm glad that's over)). Let's just crown Senhit this year's Queen of Camp. The wild factor of Flo Rida...just?? Amazing. Can't wait to see how the performance goes (EDIT- it went great, I had a grin on my face the entire time and couldn't help but dance along). A certain refreshment after Serhat and Valentina Monetta endless loop. They didn't dial down the weird, but made it catchy af, and the vocal can rival any Balkan folk diva. While I think it's definitely the most entertaining entry this year, it's far from being the most original, and it's not really my genre of preference. Will vote for Senhit and root for her to qualify. 7.5/ 10

- Sweden 🇸🇪

Tusse, A million voices: As I mentioned before, I'm the first person that starts complaining about Sweden Superiority as soon as Eurovision season begins, and I'm with you all with being tired of Sweden qualifying just because they're Sweden and usually just bringing the same brand of MTV/Calvin Harris/American pop, or a successful and not-so-subtle imitation of the performances that did well the previous year,but listen: A million voices is a solid pop song and I'm going to die on that hill. It actually embodies the essence of pop - a catchy, pleasant melody sung by a good vocalist, with a short,sweet and uplifting message. It's not the same as previous years, it's not commercial, just good pop - good pop being something you immediately like and vibe to no matter how many common elements of the genre it checks. It relies on RnB rather than electronic sounds, auto tune or various DJ effects. Tusse is charming and charismatic af, and he's a 19yo kid doing an amazing job on a global stage. You don't have to like it, but there's no need to hate on it (ask Jendrik). Imo, Tusse deserved to qualify. Not winner material yet, but I wish him a fun time and a successful career. 7 5/10

- Switzerland 🇨🇭

G'jons Tears, Tout L'Univers: I saw the video first, and I HATED IT. It came across as a Duncan Lawrence-high-art wannabe, something technically perfect, but empty of soul or meaning, another soft boy with a sad falsetto, another jury-points bait. BUT. I changed my mind entirely after seeing him perform. Hands down, it was touching and epic. Reminding me of Hamlet aside, he DELIVERED, and made me love him, and actually enjoy the song. I still think the song is less original than Tusse's voices, but I enjoy the troubadour vibes of the pre-chours. G'jon is absolutely adorable, and I'm not gonna be mad if he wins. 8/10

shout-outs&honorable mentions:

- Serbia 🇷🇸 Yes, some national bias, but I'm proud of our girls. Ever Since we placed 2nd with Željko's Lane, we had that goddamn flute e v e r y year, and the same outdated scenography with a side of extra pathos (I'm sure that ruined Sanja's chances and her otherwise great performance back in 2016.) Finally something fun and actually representative of the music popular here. They looked flawless and the energy was off the charts. Go, Hurricane!

-Finland 🇫🇮 Yes, cheesy and corny and I cut my finger accidentally from watching the video on all the edge, but I'm biased because they're bringing emo and nu-metal back, and that's the music of my early adolescence (hello, Kaulitz brothers and Andy Biersack,hello Gerard Way and Linkin Park) Call me grandma lol

- Malta 🇲🇹 DESTINY CAN SIIIIIIIIING! I wasn't impressed with the song initially, but the performance blew my mind.

- Ireland 🇮🇪 A for effort, and so nice of her to try and give us something unique! While it wasn't good enough to qualify, it was super fun and she seems so nice. Also, we all know that she was out of breath an can sing much better than that. Still wasn't bad.

- Romania 🇷🇴, for being so young and brave enough to put on a show. The nerves got the better of her, but the song itself is good and no doubt she'll do well in the future

- Lithuania 🇱🇹, thanks for the memeries

- Croatia 🇭🇷, Not my cup of tea, but Albina gave a great performance

-Norway 🇳🇴, for embodying the spirit of Eurovision

- North Macedonia 🇲🇰, for the disco chest

- The UK 🇬🇧, for putting some effort

(Might edit later)

[putschki1969]

KEIKO SPICE Interview ~ English Translation

Note: Once again this is a very long and icredibly insightful interview, so please enjoy it! As always, take everything you read with a grain of salt, my Japanese is by no means perfect. If you want to use this translation or parts of it, be sure to CREDIT me and LINK to this post.

KEIKO ~ Looking beyond Kalafina and finding her music as a solo newcomer, “With everyone’s help I will be able to know what kind of music I seek”

Former Kalafina member KEIKO has released her first solo album "Lantana" on December 2nd. With this work you can fully enjoy high-quality pop-music and additionally it is packed to the brink with KEIKO’s ideas and thoughts in her role as solo vocalist. KEIKO has taken the first step into her future career as a solo artist, we have asked her to share what kind of thoughts went into the making of her album. Here are her insights accompanied by some exclusive stills from the interview.

Everything that has happened this year inspired the lyrics I wrote for “Nanairo no Finale”, the song which Kajiura-san composed for me

―― On the occasion of your 1st album "Lantana" having been released on December 2nd,  I would like to ask you a few questions. 

Please go ahead. 

―― First of all, the album title "Lantana" is the name of a flower, right? May I ask why you chose this particular title? 

This album took about a year to produce, we worked without having a concept, I just chose the songs based on whether I liked them and wanted to give them a try. Additionally I received many suggestions during discussions with my staff members. So rather than focussing on the overall concept of the album we would like everyone to pay attention to the individual tracks. In Japanese the name of the flower "Lantana" literally means "Seven Changes". As the name suggests, this album represents many changes. So on the one hand the title reflects those changes and on the other hand, I just really like flowers so the name seemed fitting. Also, I wonder if we chose the name  because it has a pleasant ring to it? These are pretty much the reasons why "Lantana" became our album title, it was a very quick decision actually. 

―― I thought that there was a connection between all the songs of the album, the flow felt really beautiful but now that you have explained all of this to me I find the album even more interesting because there is truly so much variety, each song is completely different. is. In addition to the songs you picked to include in the album, were there many other pieces you liked among all the options you got to choose from?

Well ... This year, partly because of coronavirus, the album production was quite flexible. After it was decided that we would be doing a live-stream concert, we reconsidered a few things since we thought it might be better to increase the number of up-beat songs suitable for a live performance. Since the album production and the live performance were happening pretty much simultaneously, we made some big changes to the album to accommodate our needs for the live performance. As a result, I think it became a very well-balanced album. 

―― During the MC of the live stream you mentioned something like "ff it weren't for Corona, it might have been an album with a lot of darker songs" *laughs*. 

"Dark" is maybe a bit misleading *laughs*. I guess a little “more mature” is the word I was looking for? 

―― But with a darker vibe? 

Yeah, that’s what I had in mind but it turned into something completely different. 

―― Considering all of that, has your approach to and understanding of music changed at all due to coronavirus? 

I think the biggest change for me was that I could no longer sing my songs live in front of everyone ... I can't meet my fans. Not being able to meet the fans...it’s not only difficult for the fans but also for all the artists, after all this connection is very motivating and inspiring. So to have all the fans waiting but not being able to go out there and perform for them is very discouraging, you are just cut off...that was definitely the biggest change.  

―― But you did get the opportunity to do a live stream. How was it? There were a few fans at the venue, right? 

It was a lot of fun! When I first heard that there was a limited capacity of around 72 people due to coronavirus, I was wondering what kind of live concert it would be, but I was very happy to have at least a few people there because the feeling is completely different if you have someone actually there right in front of you listening to your singing. When I was in my early twenties I would sometimes perform in front of Cinema ROSA in Ikebukuro, back then we had like 5 fans coming to see us. I was reminded of  that feeling. 

―― Was there something burning inside of you, yearning to be released? 

Yes ... At the day of the live I realised how many strong feelings I had suppressed before, when I was finally standing in front of the audience, all those feelings were overflowing. I truly experienced a welling up of feelings and sensation on that day. I felt excited and inspired from the early morning onwards. 

―― Returning to our original topic, your album, as you said, there is a lot of variety.  You once mentioned, "it's like ... like a box of my favourite chocolates." 

Hahaha, that's right, I said that *laughs*. 

―― I think there were many challenges in terms of song variety, but are there any songs that were particularly challenging for you? 

I saw all of it as a big challenge for me. That's why I was so adamant to try as many new things as possible. With all songs I felt like I wanted to try and sing them and then later I was deciding how to use my voice in each song. 

―― Did you have any difficulties regarding your singing technique? 

I think the most difficult must have been “Nanairo no Finale”, I don’t even know how many takes I did until the final result. After all, this is Kajiura-san's song. It's only natural that it would feel completely different to me compared to all the other songs. 

―― Well ... yes. 

I have been singing Kajiura-san's songs consistently for about 12 years now, ever since I got to sing “Kaze no Machi he” for her as solo singer FictionJunction KEIKO  I have been determined to do my very best, I felt like I had to give even more than before, I wanted to provide the best singing possible, I guess I was just very frustrated.  “Please let me try and sing it again?” I was really stubborn like that when it came to “Nanairo no Finale”. 

―― You know, I was really surprised to see “Nanairo no Finale” as the second track on the album. 

Oh *laughs*. Really? 

―― Didn’t you sing it as an ecore during your live performance? 

Oh, that's right. 

―― When I listened to the album without paying too much attention to the track order, I thought that having “Inochi no Hana” at the end was quite fitting. But to have “Nanairo no FInale” as the second track?! What? I was completely taken aback by that, it had a really strong impact on me in that particular position. 

Hooray! I am happy to hear that *laughs*. 

―― Regarding the song order, you mentioned earlier that you didn’t make this album with a particular concept in mind, the flow wasn’t as important to you, instead you wanted people to listen carefully to each individual song. 

But I do think there is a flow when it comes to the track order. I came up with a draft first and then consulted with everyone else. Everyone agreed that we would start with "Be Yourself" but we wondered how to continue. 

―― Indeed, "Be Yourself" definitely feels right as the leading track. 

I had this idea of putting a very uplifting song right in the beginning, I wanted everyone to feel positive energy right from the get-go. I chose these three songs up till "Hajimari wa" as an introduction to my album because I thought they would make the listeners feel a sense of lightness and brightness. 

――  “Nanairo no Finale” was composed by Kajiura-san and written by you, it has a very strong Kajiura-feel to it, even a sort of Kalafina vibe if you listen closely but it’s also very reminiscent of many of the up-tempo FictionJunction songs. It really seems to have been custom-made for you. How was it to write the lyrics for this song? 

At first, I was a little surprised when I was told that I should be writing the lyrics. 

―― Was that a suggestion from Kajiura-san? 

Yes, the suggestion came from her. This song was a team effort, first of all I discussed it with my producer Yoda-san, then it was eventually decided that Kajiura-san would be in charge of the composition and she suggested that it would be interesting if the arrangements and lyrics were done by someone else. When I first heard of that idea I was quite shocked. 

―― The pressure was intense? 

Yes, definitely. When she told me I was like, “eh?” and literally froze. 

―― So did she send you the song and then you wrote the lyrics for it? 

Pretty much, yes. To start with, Kajiura-san sent me a song sample, at that point nothing much had been set into stone yet, the key and such still had to be decided but I really wanted to sing it as soon as possible. So I tried all kinds of singing and then suggested a few arrangement ideas to the arranger Nobuyuki Shimizu, we really thought carefully about every little detail. The arrangement changed steadily, the final result is very different from the song I originally received from Kajiura-san at the beginning, we changed the tempo and key quite a bit. 

―― I see. 

It was a challenge indeed but Kajiura-san told me it was very interesting to see the changes this song had gone through. As we kept changing the arrangement, the lyrics naturally changed a bit too. However, when I initially received the song from Kajiura-san I was immediately envisioning the protagonist looking ahead at a very positive and bright future, so that aspect of the lyrics hasn't changed at all. From the beginning, I had that particular image in mind, I hoped to write lyrics that would portray a positive outlook towards the future.

―― When I listened to this song live, I felt like so many things were put into motion. It's a song that feels bright but it’s also filled with determination. 

That’s to be expected since the Olympics influenced me strongly. I wrote this song in the summer when coronavirus was ever present. Seeing all those athletes in the media made me very emotional. They are all so very determined to strive for next year’s Olympics even though it is still uncertain if they will even take place. I wrote my lyrics with the hope of providing a positive message for those who are working hard right now. 

―― It really touches the heart. 

If it hadn’t been for all those things happening this year, I don’t think these lyrics would have been written.

―― They really reflect the state our world is in right now. 

Yes. Our current situation is something that cannot be ignored, it's hard to write a song that’s all fun and “yay” in times like this *laughs*. You hesitate to make something too lighthearted. But I also didn't want it to be too negative, so I wrote hopeful lyrics like this. 

―― Starting to write your own lyrics with a song like that, putting all those feelings into words, I guess one could say you created something that can be left to posterity? 

Yes, I felt very grateful for that opportunity.

During my time in Kalafina, my role was very clear

―― You also wrote the lyrics for the song “Yugao” in this album so I would like to hear what you have to say about this. 

This is the last song we recorded. At the beginning of the album production, I knew I wanted to include something short, a minimalistic song, like a short story but then we had the live performance to think about and all of a sudden the entire tracklist had already been decided ... But I still chose this song because I was adamant about having something like this on the album. 

―― I see. 

For the most part the songs on my album have a pretty nice standard melody, nothing out of the ordinary so I felt like singing a sad and transient melody. It was an obvious choice that felt natural because that sort of music resonates with me. I looked at all kinds of songs for this album and in particular I wanted something calm, something you could fall asleep to while listening to the melody, vocals and lyrics. 

―― Since it is in the latter half of the album, before "End Roll" and "Change The World's Color", I thought it was a very beautiful sort of overture. It’s a nice transition to two up-beat songs. Absorbing energy in a relaxed manner right before speeding up. 

I thought it would be nice little surprise to have “Yugao” lead right into  "End Roll" *laughs*. 

―― As for "End Roll" and "Change The World's Color", I feel like your infamous strong physical presence is back with these two songs *laughs*. 

Everyone, get up! *Laughs* Yes, you really feel a sense of waking-up. 

―― In the middle part of the album there is a section of songs with beautiful melodies such as "Akane", "Tameiki no Kieru Machi" and "Ray". I got the impression that you really challenged yourself with quieter songs like this.

I agree. That may be the case. 

―― Is that reflected in all of your music? 

Yes. I have faced many challenges because this was my 1st album, I just wanted to try a lot of things. I'm sure in the future I will have a clearer vision of what I want to do. But this particular album is filled with all the things I am currently capable of doing. 

―― Do you feel like you are experimenting? 

Yes. I won’t know what kind of things I like and what I'm looking for without piling up experiences ... I've been doing Kalafina for 10 years, and I've been doing FictionJunction for about 12 years so I am confident in myself when it comes to these activities but as a solo artist I am basically a first-grader *laughs*. 

―― So it’s like you are starting from scratch learning the alphabet all over again? 

Yes exactly.  But of course technically speaking I am not a newcomer when it comes to singing and being a vocalist. As for the kind of music I want to sing in the future, first and foremost this album was about trying new things and finding out how everyone around me reacts to it, ultimately I would like to make something that makes everyone happy.

―― You have obviously had a big career so far. So of course the image from that time is still in people’s minds even now that you are a solo artist. Without trying to make it sound bad but  I think there are many fans out there who look at things from a biased point of view, they have these preconceived notions of what exactly the solo careers of each Kalafina member should look like. 

That's right. 

―― I guess there are two types of ways to handle these sorts of expectations, either you are the type that just goes ahead in a determined manner regardless of what everyone else thinks, along the lines of, “I am going to do exactly this and that. Period!” Or one can find a different approach along the lines of, “I want to try various things, how do you feel about this?" Before you went solo I actually had the impression that you would be the first type, thinking, "okay, this is the music I made and because I made it everyone should listen to it!" However, I was surprised to find out  that you are actually more like the second type.  

Yes. I am definitely the second type. I have zero idea what I want and I am not at all scared to admit that. I think it’s best to ask everyone around me for assistance to work through all the things that I do not know at this point in time. 

―― It's simple, isn't it? 

Yes it is. During my time in Kalafina, my role and my duties were very clear, we had wishes and aspirations lined up, once we had reached a certain goal and seen the results we just moved to the next step. But right now I am at a starting point and I have not seen any results yet so I think it's natural for me to go take this route. 

―― I see. 

Going around and asking everyone for their opinion is something we also did in the early days of Kalafina. So I thought I would start at that point once again . It's different from Kalafina though. That's why it's interesting, and the feeling of creating something together is a lot of fun. Creating sounds, creating harmonies. 

―― Harmonies? 

As in chorus arrangement. You can enhance the chorus pretty flexibly on the spot if you want. While working on my singing I consulted a lot with my producer Yoda-san and my assistant Asami-chan, together we added a lot more oomph to many of the choruses, I sang some parts and we also tried mixing and subtracting...I was really absorbed in the whole process of creating something together.  

―― It seems to be very interesting to make so many changes on the spot. 

I felt a strong desire to create spontaneous music like that. If everyone involved feels inspired while working together, then I think it’s best to go with the ideas that are born during these sessions. 

―― And you will wait till the very end to share your opinion. 

Yes, I am the last one. I am literally just watching everyone all the time wondering about how we should do all of this  *laughs*.

I will approach the challenge of a big venue at a slow pace

―― Hearing you talk about all of this, it seems like you are having fun with your solo activities. 

It is a lot of fun. 

―― We as fans are also incredibly happy to see you enjoying yourself while making music. So your album contains a total of 10 songs, and at the end there is a bonus track, an acoustic version of "Akane". May I ask you why you decided to include this? 

During the production, I listened to a take with just my voice and the guitar. At one point, Yoda-san had edited "Akane" in such a way that all rhythmic sections were gone. I suggested that it would be nice to hear an arrangement with only the strings, since I thought it would be very calming. Then Kosuke Oshima, who composed the strings part, dramatically changed the melody of the strings so that's why I wanted to include this version as well. 

―― So once again this idea was born spontaneously in the midst of production rather than having been planned from the get-go. 

Yes. We just all agreed that the melody of “Akane” was beautiful with a simple arrangement like that and the strings are perfectly complementing it. 

―― When you compare the two versions, the acoustic one definitely sounds more dramatic. 

The strings are pretty intense and the melody lines are dramatic so I really like it! I love the final result! 

―― That’s really amazing. You pretty much did that song on a whim. A song born out of a spontaneous session.

I think we have created an album that feels like a real team effort. 

―― I think you had a similar working environment during your activities as Kalafina but it's the first time for you as a solo artist to bring up ideas such as, "why don’t we try to include this song?" 

No, not at all. We didn’t really have that with Kalafina. This is truly the first time for me because during our time in Kalafina we only ever received a finished song which we were then asked to bring to life. But we were never involved in the recording of musical instruments or anything like that.

―― To celebrate the release of “Lantana” a live performance is scheduled for December 16 at Zepp DiverCity TOKYO. How hyped are you about that? 

To say I am not hyped at all would be a lie *laughs*. But I am honestly not that hyped. However, it is an opportunity to meet everyone which is a great thing so I want to do my very best performing live. Everyone has worked really hard this year, it’s been a tough year for sure so I want to convey all those feelings through my singing.

―― It's that time of the year where everyone is busy and needs to get all of their work done. 

Instead of being super hyped or nervous I want my audience at the venue and all the live stream viewers to feel a sense of relief, “ah yes, the year is almost over”. My fans should be able to relax and detox, hopefully my live will be a source of energy for them to survive the last few remaining days of 2020, I guess I just want everyone to try and escape from busy reality. Hopefully I can make everyone laugh *laughs*. 

―― Sounds great. 

Since I am doing my live so soon after the album release I thought it would be fitting to use a hugelive house like Zepp as my venue, I wanted to invite as many people as possible and have them sprinkled all across the hall to keep everyone safe.

―― You are pretty much standing alone and separated from everyone else. The same was done for your previous live. Of course you have the band members on stage but still... During your Kalafina days you always had the other two members next to you and in FictionJunction you stand on stage as one singer among many. How is it to stand in the middle of the stage all by yourself? 

Even before Kalafina I was part of a unit so this is truly the first time for me being all alone on stage. But I always feel like I am making music together with all the musicians, so I never really felt lonely. 

―― Yes of course, the band members. 

If I just had a backing track. Or if I hadn’t known the musicians behind me on stage, then yes, I might have felt alone. But we all worked together during my first live to create my solo music with as much care as possible. It was like having a session with my musician, so I really didn't feel alone. 

―― I think you may try to perform at bigger venues in the future. 

I think it’s okay to go step by step, slowly *laughs*. It’s totally fine to take very small steps. 

―― So you are not eager to perform in bigger venues? 

No. If anything, I want to have fun, this is my highest priority at the moment. How do I best enjoy music with my audience? This is what I feel strongly about. 

―― I think that’s great. 

Rather than thinking about producing a big live I just want to create a simple place where everyone can enjoy music together.

―― When I was listening to you album I got a strong jazz vibe from your song “Tameiki no Kieru Machi”. 

Oh yes, it definitely has that sort of vibe. 

―― Listening to you explaining all of your ideas, this song immediately came to mind when you mentioned  the “session feeling”. You kept saying in this interview how very much you enjoyed the exchange between yourself and everyone around you, how everything has become some sort of team project, was everything like that? 

Before recording my songs, especially in the early days before I had recorded "Hajimari wa" and "Ray", I wasn't used to recording with a new singing style so I was incredibly scared ... I vividly remember that feeling *laughs*. 

―― So there were some terrifying parts as well? 

To be honest, I was really scared. It was my first time using such a voice. It was unlike anything I had done in the past.  Rather than just blindly providing my vocals we created my voice together, I would constantly be asking, “should I sing like this or maybe like that?” 

―― I feel like it is very worthwhile to listen to this album, no matter how many times you listen you will always experience a new special flavour. Last but not least I would like you to say a few words to everyone who has been supporting you for a long time.

I've been working as a vocalist for Kalafina for 10 years but this time for the very first time I have created an album that’s made up of songs that I really wanted to sing. I would be happy if I could touch your hearts and find a way to connect with everyone through this album. Let’s end this year with a live concert! There is also a live stream available so please, let's spend some time together, I will be awaiting you ♪ Thank you for reading this interview.

[beeprblog]

Beepr Goes To Shows: Governor’s Ball 2021.

In this first installment of Beepr Goes To Shows, I spent all 3-days at this years Governor’s Ball to give you crowd coverage you deserve and concert recaps/reviews you want. Stay tuned for more show write-ups and other updates!

Freddie Gibbs and The Alchemist

What happens when you put two legends on the same stage? You get one hell of a fucking show. Freddie Gibbs and The Alchemist were on another level that Friday afternoon, delivering classics from Madlib collaborative albums (Crime Pays, Fake Names, Palm Olive, Thuggin), recent singles from Freddie (Big Boss Rabbit, Gang Signs), and all your favorite offerings from Alfredo (Baby $Hit, Scottie Beam, Something To Rap About). The braggadocious swagger Freddie brings to the stage is tempered by Alchemist’s suave production and generally reserved demeanor, making them a very balanced performance. Despite being an acclaimed producer, you get the sense that The Alchemist is there to support Freddie rather than make the performance about himself. Freddie’s natural humor shines through in between songs, cracking jokes while taking tokes and hitting a bottle of Hennessy. Chants of “Fuck police,” cheers for the Alchemist, and concert-goers belting choruses created a deafening atmosphere, rivaling some sold out indoor venues I’ve visited. To call Freddie a cult artist would be disrespectful of all the mainstream achievements (Grammy nominations, cracking Billboard Top 25s, etc), and yet for some reason, he remains on the fringes of superstardom. Part of what people love about Freddie Gibbs is his larger than life personality, as he has an authenticity about him that’s naturally charismatic. If there’s anything I can be certain about after that set, it’s that Freddie Gibbs and The Alchemist have undeniable chemistry and I hope they have more on the way.

Phoebe Bridgers

In January of 2018, a report from Nielsen Music identified that rap had surpassed rock in terms of overall music consumption. But Phoebe Bridgers will not allow her genre to go quietly into the night. She very well may be the next iteration of a rockstar. From her band all being in uniform, to the stage production, and most importantly, her diehard fans: Phoebe Bridgers is killing it in all aspects of the game. Apparently, I had been living under rock for quite some time as I only did a deep dive into her music when I saw her on the Governor’s Ball lineup announcement. How foolish was I? Phoebe has an incredible catalogue despite being only 27 (bolstered by her work with groups like Boygenius and Better Oblivion Community Center). Songs like Motion Sickness, Garden Song, and ICU feel more like Phoebe hosting a singalong, as the entire crowd is belting back each and every lyric at the top of their lungs with emphatic energy. Tracks like Kyoto also fall into that category, but there’s an immense rush of excitement as the brilliance of Bridger’s music blares through over the speakers for the chorus. Ballads like I Know The End are blissful moments of serenity, as I found myself swaying with my eyes closed in my little spot in the crowd. Her nonchalance in between songs is intoxicating, as it’s a beautiful contrast to her immensely emotive and personal performance. It’s so endearing to see past what’s on the outside and find an individual who profoundly cares about their work. What perhaps is most endearing about Phoebe’s performance is how she’s unabashedly herself: quips like “Fuck nihilism, too” are interjected in between songs, her outfit a glamorized rendition of the classic skeleton t-shirts. While I might have been late to the party in terms of the Phoebe Bridgers hype train, you can bet I’m going to be early to every one of her shows from here on out.  

A$AP Rocky

As Saturday night of Governor’s Ball was drawing near to an end, there were millions of individual conversations buzzing around in the crowd. But almost all of them were centered around one question: When will A$AP Rocky start? At 9:12pm EST, our question was answered, with a bang. Crowd surfing around in an inflatable car, bullhorn in hand, Rocky showed off some new sounds as unreleased tracks (Grim Freestyle amongst the slew of unreleased tracks) boomed over speakers. Mosh pits opened up left and right as the concert slowly evolved into a beautiful, New York block party-esque chaos. Hearing recent work like his features on Slowthai’s MAZZA and Famous Dex’s PICK IT UP were unexpected yet gratifying moments. But what really amplified the crowd was hearing some of the “older” radio hits. I can’t remember a time in recent memory when I’ve been as excited as when the first synths on LPFJ2 and Telephone Calls hit. Classics like Praise Da Lord and Yamborghini High ensured that there were no lapses in energy or excitement. Babushka Boi set the crowd ablaze, as the off-key notes intermingled in the beat acted as cues for the rowdy meter to kick it up a notch. Rocky even gave up some of his set to ensure the rest of the Mob was represented, as he had the DJ play Plane Jane by A$AP Ferg. The softer side of Rocky’s discography was met with equal anticipation as Sundress and A$AP Forever were met with exuberant cheers. Fully embracing his trippy side, after asking us if we liked hallucinogens, Rocky performed L$D to a roaring crowd (he also teased us with the unreleased Mushroom Clouds after asking us if we fucked with mushrooms too). During what felt like a showcase of the Harlem rappers’ ability to generate raucous ovation, the time had the crew informed Rocky his set had to be wrapped up. An earnest plea to keep it going was made, begging to at least get off Peso, but the euphoria was always going to be finite. It’s safe to say, anyone saying Rocky fell off is full of it.

Burna Boy

From start to finish, Burna Boy kept it hot. Bringing plenty of Nigerian flair to the CitiField air, I can safely say that Burna Boy’s set was one of the most enjoyable of the weekend. Even before he appeared, loud chants imploring him to take the stage could be heard ringing throughout the grounds. As his band and mom (who doubles as his manager) patiently waited, you could see them grinning and laughing as they knew we were in for a great show. Burna Boy then graced the stage and we were transported to another world, filled with laid back vibes, political protest, and triumph. Opening up with Gbona, it was apparent that the entire show was going to be electric. Hitting dance moves, grinning from ear to ear, it was obvious that Burna Boy planned on making a stellar first impression at the Governor’s Ball (he also earned major New York brownie points by giving us an animated performance of his velvety feature on Enjoy Yourself by Pop Smoke). Hearing some of my favorite songs live cemented them even further in the favorites category, as his performance adds another level of fun and personality. Collateral Damage, a beautifully subverted political protest anthem, felt truly harmonious as the entire crowd chanted the chorus with their fists in the air. As much as I love my AirPods, the heartfelt energy of both the crowd and Burna Boy I felt in the crowd during Anybody and Dangote could never be matched by speakers. Even the less upbeat songs (such as Wetin Man Go Do) he performed were met with incredibly cheerful reactions as. Live riffs from the band during some of his most popular singles added great spice for those who are familiar but equally exciting for new listeners. It’s apparent that there’s a great sense of camaraderie amongst the whole crew, that their main goal is to put on a memorable and joyous show. I can only hope that Burna Boy and the band make trips to the states more frequently.

Ellie Goulding

Have you ever felt the urge to forget everything that’s worrying you and just live in the here and now? Then you should go to as many Ellie Goulding shows as humanly possible. There’s a good chance you’re already familiar with some of her work (I’ll get to that in a bit), but it’s an entirely other thing to see her bring them to life. Hidden under the surface of a soft-spoken, singer-songwriter is a powerhouse performer, ready to give the show and attendees her everything. Watching her confidence grow during the set, seeing her come out of a shell that had likely developed as a result of not touring, was a beautiful sight to behold. In between comments about how grateful she was to be performing, quips about her outfit, you really got to watch her conviction begin to grow and take root. Anthemic at every instance, the crowd was equally ready to return the same energy Goulding graced us with. The only thing that was all over the place about her refined and poised performance was the eclectic mix of work she pulled from. From Lights (and yes, if you’re curious, that shit slapped) all the way up to her latest album, Brightest Blue, we got treated to the Ellie Goulding evolution set. Intermingling a solid slate of collaborations like Diplo’s Close To Me (I don’t know if I’ve ever sung along as fervently as I did for that one), Calvin Harris’ I Need Your Love (okay, I lied, this is the one where I lost my voice), and Major Lazer’s Powerful, there was a reference point regarding how they discovered Goulding for everyone in the audience. Hearing oldies like Aftertaste, Anything Could Happen, and Only You instantly transported me to simpler times, back when bills and deadlines seemed like an abstract concept. In another edition of music star leads a sing-a-long, the crowd could have taken over for Lights and Love Me Like You Do. Thankfully, we got to hear Ellie too. It’s a magical moment when a few hundred (maybe a full thousand) are all united by one common goal: to embrace the present and shower the performer with adoration in the form of knowing every lyric. Harmony amongst total strangers, tied together through a common love of music. Ellie Goulding gave us more than one of the best sets from the weekend, she gave us a sense of unity and togetherness unlike any other I’ve experienced.

Post Malone

When you find a superstar, with millions of fans and millions in the bank, that you feel like you can still crack open a crispy Bud Light, you’ve found something special. And we all know that Post Malone loves a cold one. The final chapter of Governor’s Ball 2021 ended with Post Malone’s Sunday night set, a perfect way to wind down the weekend. Opening up the set with an inquisitive “Hello?” to test out the mic, this show was one of the most authentic and down-to-earth concerts I’ve been to in quite some time. It almost feels like you’re just hanging out hearing some song ideas from your friend Austin Post, wearing some regular denim shorts and a “Where’s Waldo” style striped shirt, until the audible roars from the crowd of “Posty” remind you you’re at a headliner. Arguably the most larger-than-life aspect of Post’s set was his entrance on the stage, via a smoke-cloud suspended platform adorned with metal chains. With a healthy mix of beerbongs & bentley’s, Hollywood’s Bleeding, recent singles and old hits, Post Malone was showing us all of his repertoire. Chugging beers at the request of the crowd, checking in with all of us in between songs, calling for celebration and happiness, Post goes to great lengths to ensure that the crowd is with it and that everyone is having a good time. Tracks like Psycho were somehow both relaxing and energizing at the same time, as the chorus transformed the venue into an incredible echo-chamber. We also got to see how many friends Post has, as we got guest appearances from Young Thug (performing Goodbyes), Roddy Rich (gracing us with Every Season and The Box), and 21 Savage (to perform Rockstar, which Post Malone did his best to embody all night). With each feature, the crowd seemed to kick into another fear of excitement, but that’s not to say people didn’t lose it for some of Post’s solo work. Stay, which Post performed seated strumming an acoustic guitar, was as heartfelt as it could get in its stripped down state. Despite previously admitting to not being able to sing without autotune, you could see how much he cared about capping off the weekend right while performing that song (without autotune in an effort to be as real as possible). White Iverson and Congratulations were both barn-burners, as the whole festival grounds were chanting lyrics and bouncing along. After a very long weekend of raging and raving, Post Malone’s set managed to run through the whole gambit of festival emotions: joy, excitement, surprise, and relief. It’d be disingenuous to say anything other than Austin Post has mastered the art of headlining.

[isoisolated]

I have ADHD and it's not fun

29/12 edit: coming back to this post, I just wanted to add that at the time of writing, my adhd was unmedicated. Thought this might be good thing to note. 

My friend Ondrej kept sending me articles and texts posts written by other adhd people (mostly adult males) that it finally pushed me to write my own, because even though I could relate to some minor and major parts, something always felt a bit of and also because ADHD is a condition that's been heavily ignored by medical professionals not only in adults, but especially in adult women, which is a group I sort of represent myself. 

I could talk about this for ages, my therapist frequently tells me that I have this gift of intense self-analysis and immense passion to get it all sorted out once for all. I guess it's another way of saying I'm so hyperaware of my own existence and my brain simply latches onto it and constantly tries to solve its own problems. 

If you do not care about my own personal history, just skip to second headline.

I was clueless for the first 20 years of my existence

Now, ADHD isn't the only thing that's been making me feel almost alien, I dare to say that my puberty years were mostly about developing and internalising bit of trauma and processes that do no good in later life. 

I love music. And I mean I truly endlessly unconditionally love music. Being a daughter of music composer, I was 6 when I first asked my dad to show me where to press record in Logic Pro and told him to leave me alone while I recorded my first song. It was called Autumn is here and it sounded like something made by 6 years old. 

I remember we were attending castings for TV shows or commercials and later I was told that it was me who initiated such trips and that I always wanted to be a part of such things. I don't remember initiating such things but I remember for sure that I was very shy and uncomfortable when I was supposed to show off. 

I remember I was supposed to take piano lessons. And I was so baffled that I had to follow the book and play what's in the book, instead of playing thing I wanted. I think I told my parents after few lessons that I do not like it and was dropped outta it. This became a pattern, if I recall correctly. 

But that's nothing out of ordinary, kids are harder to get focused and entertained. I remember two moments from elementary school where I was told by my classmates that I'm acting like I have ADHD and it got me real mad every time, because in my head ADHD looked like not paying attention in class, being body hyper and overall just annoying. 

I could find a proof that I made myself first to-do list when I was 14. Since 14 I felt like I need more self control and self regulation, that I need to fit myself more into ambitions I had and have and in order to do that, I started making to-do lists with ambiguous tasks such as “work more on music” and “work-out”. It was also in during my great isolation era, I had no real life friends but one that I was seeing occasionally, I wasn't going out, I came from school on Friday afternoon and left my room on Monday morning. I was making friends online since I was 11 and lived mostly online. 

At that time I also started figuring out what was wrong with me. Since ever I always felt a bit “off” compared to my peers, I always felt weird (and was told that thousand of times in my life), I always felt like I was thinking about things a bit differently and my humour was different and my hobbies were seen obscure by my classmates (even though they weren't obscure at all). I felt alone for most of my growing up and feelings of complete loneliness and detachment haunt me to this day, making me spiral. 

I thought I might suffer from bipolar disorder, because I had high energy episodes and my emotions were so intense. I was crying almost everyday for both external and internal reasons, my head sometimes felt like too much and I found temporary peace in self-help books and esotericism. 

I was around 17-18 when I realised all of this is bullshit and that no book can make me do things that I wanna do. I'd spent hours, days and months thinking about doing things, being crippled by this weird force that hold my body down, unable to do anything, no matter how much I wanted it. I'd beat myself up for it, thinking I was just so damn lazy and stupid and pretentious. I wanna be a popstar, a successful musician, I have to do all these things and if not, I'm gonna fail so much and my life will lose its meaning. 

When I was 17, I released my first EP and for some reason, it found some attention and success, if we might call it that. Suddenly I felt on the right path, I was seen as a musician and also very young one. Even though I still was sad almost every day or had intense sadness episodes that could last for a week, it felt right and I couldn't wait to finish high school and become a full time musician. 

I'd produce music in unplanned episodes of total focus, where I would sit and do things for hours straight, without eating. My most favorite songs were made during 6-8 hour sessions and it felt amazing. I couldn't bring myself to produce music if I hadn't the right vibe or idea for it. 

It was around that time this woman texted me, saying she wants to be my manager and that she really likes my music. It felt so unreal but here I am, with my own professional manager, on my way to be the most amazing music person.

I'd crush on people (and mostly boys and men) constantly, it was also very episodic, could last for days to month where I'd had nothing on my mind but them, drowned in daydreaming and just imagining things and also letting them know all of that. It was magical but it was fleeting. It still is. But it is the greatest inspiration, where I feel so much emotions it makes me see things and then I can transform them into music. 

But there was still something wrong with me, I was very emotional, still struggling with making my routines work, I'd come up with new plans and schedules every week just to fail them the day after. It was exhausting and I saw nothing alike in my world too, I was alone and my experience was just not enough will power. 

I could get mad so easily, I'd clench my fists and was so close to punching someone and when I hated someone I hated them with immense passion and spent hours just imagining myself confronting them. I was so mad all the time on background too and even slightest thing would put me in classic rage mode.

I have problems remembering dates and names, I'm bad at remembering people's faces, I'm bad at learning things by myself even though I have interest in them. I'm bad at making routine for myself and actually following it.

I finished high school and planned to go study abroad but it turned out it isn't what I want so I came back and started looking for a job. Around that time I met my now best friend and thanks to him I actually started thinking even harder what might be wrong with me, so I looked up ADHD. And didn't believe that at all. I wasn't like this, was I? 

Then, the summer came and I met my friend (and also a fan) while being out for a beer. We chatted, had a great time and then told me I kinda am like a person with ADD. I was confused because I didn't recall what that does mean, later I remembered it's another (and outdated) term for ADHD, but it's the “quiet type”, where the hype happens mostly inside and doesn't manifest outside that much. So I started researching once again, because I trusted him and it was that one push I needed.

It's been year since that moment and it took me months to accept that I might suffer from ADHD and to this day I still have feelings of impostor syndrome, making it all harder for myself just like that, to be more interesting for myself. I still yet have to accept this. 

I was transitioning into adulthood and yet had actual emotional breakdowns, I was crying and my heart was aching and I couldn't bring myself to do things I want, to learn more about music production, to learn how to sing better, to learn my favorite k-pop choreos, to work-out, to embody my own vision of who I want to be. With music, I am my own boss and it's the worst.

Covid-19 hit our country and here came the first lockdown. It pushed me over the edge and I felt like I was losing all of my friends, I felt those feelings of loneliness and weirdness again, I felt like nobody knows what's wrong because I don't have it as bad as others, I was hurting so much my body was shaking and twisting. I decided to try medication, even though I told my psychiatrist I don't want to, I just felt like I cannot be like this anymore, it's too much pain and no matter how much I try, I can't make it better, I can't make it work. 

I started taking Strattera and after month or two, I saw it working. A bit, I could focus better and bring myself to do things more and more frequently, and if I had these weird emotional meltdowns, they weren't as intense as before. This serves me as ultimate proof that I am not making this up, because if I were, the medication wouldn't work and make me feel better, right? 

So, what am I doing now? 

I'm still a huge mess and I cannot see myself in a better light. Even though I have job that I perform at at stable rate, even though I have just a little problem cooking for myself, even though I have no troubles falling asleep, even though I can enjoy things greatly when those high energy waves hit me. 

I'm tired of myself, I'm tired of myself not being able to do anything again. I ignore my manager because I already know I have nothing else to say than “I cannot bring myself to do things and you know that, I'm sorry for being a constant failure.” When people compliment me, I thank them but deep inside I don't accept it. 

I have unreleased and WIP songs I can see never being released, ever. When I listen to music from my favorite artists, I can also feel the pain from the fact that I'm not like them and that I probably won't ever be, because my brain sabotages me every damn time. 

From the very moment I wake up to the very moment I fall asleep, there's music playing in my head. I don't choose what's playing, sometimes it's song I don't even like and yet it's stuck on loop. I talk with my therapist in my head, I'm having weird flashbacks in my head to my memories, I'm having “you should do X right now” and “why aren't you doing Y” stuck on loop too. This all is happening at once, every moment I'm awake, even when I'm talking with people. It's exhausting. 

I'm bored most of the time, I have interesting books in my bookshelf and still cannot read them because I have to reread paragraphs in order to actually understand them. And even then, I find my mind wandering again. I have problems with long texts and long tutorials.

I get frustrated easily, my head is overflowing with ideas I can't act on. I'm living in weird worlds I made up for myself, and then reality hits me. 

I had my first depressive episode few months ago. I felt like nothing matters, that I don't matter, I felt nothing and emptiness, I crawled up in bed and was mindlessly watching youtube videos. I didn't want to eat or drink, I wanted to not exist at all. That episode passed but it was my first encounter with actual depressive state and I know I can slip into it more easily now, it simply developed along the way, after 21 years without acknowledging that I have problems and I struggle. 

People don't understand the struggle, when talking to them about my problems, it's like talking to an automated assistant, coming up with phrases like “Did you try yoga?” “everyone struggles sometime” “you cannot accomplish everything”. They say they wanna listen and help until they don't. 

I have a mental graveyard for ideas I won't ever finish, no matter how good they are, because my brain won't let me. Proper medication would help, therapy also helps but I can't talk myself out of actual executive dysfunction. 

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, our brains are literally underdeveloped in some areas and wired differently. Our emotions lack regulation normal people have and our motivation is fragile. This can't be changed with yoga, this cannot be solved by trying more. Not to even mention, capitalist society is especially damaging to neurodivergent people (and not only them, of course). 

While on this journey, I am still meeting more and more people having same struggles like me, finding people who understand you is the best thing to battle impostor syndrome. Sometimes I can't help them and sometimes they can't help me, but it's okay, because we know we understand each other and if I wanna complain and vent, we can do so without having to explain this condition over and over. 

And I hope that someone finds this relatable too, because as a woman I know my group isn't represented enough. We are not children, nor adult males, we need more attention and more support, from both healthcare system and each other. 

While doing this, I hope to get myself proper medication and continue doing what I love the most - music. I don't love anything else more than that. I hope to get rid of “all or nothing” mindset, I hope to be more consistent, I hope my music will reach its listeners and fans. I still have enough time, I think, even though my sense of time is neurologically altered. 

[amphtaminedreams]

I Shopped at YesStyle So You Don’t Have To: Lookbook no.10

Hi to anyone reading,

And welcome to what I guess is my first “review” post of sorts! Which is basically an excuse for me to rave about Korean street style and ask why the fuck Seoul fashion week isn’t more of a big deal!? Though I’ve pretty much quit fast fashion over the last few months and have been getting my clothes from Depop, I did want to talk about the website YesStyle which I ordered from back in May (jfc, the fact that May was almost 4 months ago now is terrifying) and how impressed I was with their service and the clothes I received. It should go without saying from the fact that investing in someone with about 200 followers on here wouldn’t be a very good financial decision, but this isn’t a sponsored post-I just think that if you’re gonna order from anywhere, YesStyle is a good shout for those of you who, like myself, are inspired by East Asian street style. I have to give credit to the incredible Katie O, otherwise known as StealTheSpotlight on Youtube and Instagram; she’s the medium through which I’ve been introduced to the world of “k-fashion” and YesStyle in the first place. Yes, my current knowledge of k-pop doesn’t extend far past fan tendencies to flood every popular tweet with fancams of their favourite singers and girl groups (I admire the dedication), but through Katie’s content and Instagram accounts like TokyoFashion on Instagram,  I have come to the conclusion that the stylists behind these groups and Asian designers in general are owed a huge amount of credit by Western trend forecasters. If you have any Instagram account or blog recommendations with similar content please let me know! For now, I’m gonna give a run down of the pieces I ordered (most of which are still available), prices and sizing, and also a bit focussing on ethical concerns and what I could find out about their practices from my research.

DISCLAIMER: The photos used as backgrounds are mine. Yes, I’m in mourning over the fact that this time last year I was inter-railing, in case the ham-fisted insertion of touristy pics didn’t make that obvious. Remember when we could leave the country? When it didn’t feel like the world was ending? When everything didn’t seem to be going to absolute shit all at once? When there was a glimmer of hope that we wouldn’t spend the next 4 years being governed by the Conservatives here in Britain? Simpler times :-)

The Pieces

1. The Alizio V-Neck Camisole Top in White: £4.97, Size M

So, what you’re gonna get from the off here is that YesStyle’s prices seem ridiculously cheap, which is something I’ll address in the ethics section at the end of the post. For £4.97, you’d expect an ill-fitting SheIn/Zaful style number but I was so impressed by how flattering this top actually is. I was a size 8 and 32C for reference and my only complaint is that because the neckline has a slight plunge, it was a little awkward to wear with a t-shirt bra. You know, unless you’re into that cups poking out of the top kinda vibe that was a rite of passage for all British teenage girls going through puberty back in, like, 2009 when you wanted everyone to know you’d been on your first bra shopping trip to M&Co with your mum at the weekend. 

2. The Rhames High-Waist Plaid Mini Skirt in Purple: £9.12, Size M

Clueless being as iconic as it is, a plaid mini skirt is always going to be timeless and I know this is a piece I’m gonna be basing outfits around for a long time. It fit perfectly and is surprisingly good quality material; I was kind of expecting it to come in that super thin, semi-see through jersey that you get when you order from a lot of UK fast fashion sites, but a recurring feature of the clothes I picked out was that they were such good quality for the price and exactly as they appear online. I’ve found in the past that UK sites are deceptively canny with lighting and angles in that when the garment actually arrives (Boohoo in particular is a repeat offender in this regard) it’s a lot frumpier than it looks on the model. It seems to be common practice to pin back and temporarily alter the clothes during photoshoots to give the illusion that they’re a lot more fitted and structured than they actually are which ultimately just leads to disappointment when you try on the supposedly bodycon dress and resemble a sack of potatoes. Been there, done that. I worship the ground all carbs walk on but I don’t want to look like them. Should go without saying really. It’s nothing to do with size, but it’s just crappy tailoring and cutting corners on the brand’s part and that’s what irks me. I really appreciate that YesStyle has photos of “regular” people just wearing the clothes out rather than the outcomes of these overly edited, studio lit shoots that aren’t necessarily the most representative of how the garment is gonna look irl.

3. Nikiki Garter Belt: £5.59, One Size

As comfortable as garters come, I guess? I don’t have much experience with them tbh, lol. 2021 to do list, if we make it out of 2020 alive: try more garters.

4. Lucuna Floral Embroidered Cropped Cardigan in Almond: £15.61, One Size

Don’t get me wrong, this cardigan is adorable and there’s nothing misleading about the photo on the website. What I will say is that considering it only comes in one size, it’s pretty tight on the arms. I’m a size 6 right now and it’s really not like I’m ripped or anything (lol) so it’s safe to say that in terms of the Lucuna brand, their sizes come up very small. The cardigan wasn’t the only one size thing I purchased and whilst the others did fit, I think in general the fact that said “one size” is pretty much only suitable for UK sizes 4-8 is pretty shit. A few of the pieces had elasticated waistbands but in general in 2020, when we’ve come so far in the last few years with body positivity and being more inclusive of all sizes, to have a sample size that runs so small isn’t acceptable and this sizing issue is my biggest problem with the store. Though I recognise that YesStyle acts as an outlet for smaller East Asian brands (in this case Lucuna) and thus aren’t themselves responsible for the designs, more consideration should probably go into the harm that could potentially be done by stocking these supposedly “one size fits all” garments. Brandy Melville, I’m looking at you too. Your designs are cute but your lack of inclusivity is shitty.

5. Ohnana Ruffle Trim Strappy Cami Cropped Top in Purple: £5.01, Size M

I’m not as jazzed as I was about this top now it seems that everyone and their mother’s dog is selling it at an extortionate price on Depop but I will say that it’s also very flattering. Makes my strangely long torso look somewhat proportionate, which is nice. The material is pretty thin but it is for all intents and purposes a tank top and the price is reflective of that.

6. Sisyphi Plaid Shirt in Tangerine: £11.30, One Size

So the “one size” option strikes again, though this time with less vengeance-I would say this would be wearable up to size 12/14 so slightly better than with the cardigan.

7.  BBChic High-Waist Wide-Leg Jeans: £10.04, Size M

When it comes to these jeans, I only have good things to say. Like firstly, they make me feel like early 2000s Avril Lavigne AKA. my childhood icon/potential clone/queen of millennium grunge and an incarnation of Y2K fashion I can actually get behind. Secondly, they have an elasticated waistband, which is ALWAYS a good thing. Thirdly, they didn’t come up ridiculously long on me which I feared would be the case; I did wear the platform Filas with them but as you can see, it’s not like they’d be trailing over my feet even in flats. I’m somewhere between 5′3 and 5′4 for reference and usually go for petite in jeans  and trousers just to be on the safe side.

8.  HERMITAKH Ring Detail Halter Crop Top in Black: £5.15, Size M

I have only recently become a member of the itty bitty titty committee but even back when I shot this lookbook this halter actually fit! When it came to tops that necessitate going braless, I always had issues with finding pieces I didn’t feel were going to cause an unintentional free the nipple moment, but the fact that you can tie this top up at the neck and back yourself allows you to work out a fit that’s supportive for you. 

9. Puffie Lightning Print Straight-Cut Pants: £13.76, Size M

I’d wanted a pair of trousers like these for ages before I saw them on YesStyle but the ones I’d come across in the past were a bit extra for my hometown and typically cost more than they seemed to be worth. This pair lack the bulk that the original styles I came across had, which helps give them a more casual, laid back feel, though they are just as vibrant and substantial BUT there isn’t much give in them. They have the slightly baggy look I was going for however they aren’t elasticated on the waist so I recommend having a look at the guide that’s available next to the drop down box where you select the size you want.

 10. Alfie Mesh Long-Sleeve Top in Pink: £7.71, One Size

No, the Jennifer’s Body top isn’t from YesStyle, I’m sorry to disappoint. Go to RedBubble for that one! The considerably less exciting mesh top underneath however, is, and in spite of its relative mundanity (you can’t top Megan Fox as a man-eating demon) it does the job as a versatile staple piece. It’s one size but it does have a lot of stretch in it so would probably go up to about size 14 (not to say that’s great).

11. Barrash Harness Bag: £17.10, One Size

The harness vest is one of my favourite trends to come out of k-fashion and I wanted SO badly to pull this piece off (especially because it was one of the most expensive pieces I purchased from the site) but it was far too big for me even when I adjusted it and TBH...I don’t even know if it’s just the sizing? I kinda felt like a paranoid tourist with their bag on back to front and yeah...I don’t think that’s the desired effect. Here’s an example of how cool they CAN look from Seoul fashion week, and with that another example of why NYFW should lose its place in the “big 4″ to make room for SFW:

And just Blackpink just setting the standard for the utility wear trend in general:

12. Mikiko Short-Sleeved Blouse in White: £8.79, One Size

I appreciate that the website notes that the “one size” here runs small, however it does also say that a “base layer” is needed for under the shirt which I didn’t find was necessary at all. The fabric is quite thick and it genuinely looks like the kind of shirt you’d find tucked away in a vintage shop, cute af and will go with anything.

13. Closette Sleeveless V-Neck Vest in Black: £11.87, One Size

Again, I was really impressed with the quality of this jumper; it definitely looks like something you’d pick up in a uniform shop (though this one is probably cheaper because those shops are daylight fucking ROBBERY) but I can never get enough of that grungy school girl look. Blame St.Trinians. 

14. Niji Smile Pleated Plaid Skirt with Insert Shorts in Green: £9.12, Size M

This skirt might be my absolute favourite of the items I ordered on the sole basis that it comes with shorts built in underneath, like, WHY DON’T ALL MINI SKIRTS HAVE THIS!? Plus the shape and the bounce it has to it makes me feel ultra-feminine and effortlessly cute which I love. It didn’t even turn up crumpled! Which you’ve really got to admire considering half the clothes in my local H&M look like they’ve never got within 10 metres of an iron in their short lifespan. 

15. LINSI Elbow-Sleeve Print T-Shirt: £10.92, One Size

If I had to pick one more favourite piece, it would be this graphic top that I wore underneath a pink chiffon Ebay dress. It looks and fits exactly like the photos on the website and I have to restrain myself wasting a wear of it just lounging around the house because it’s also ridiculously comfy.

16. LINSI Plaid Straight-Cut Pants in Orange: Size M

These trousers are currently out of stock, however I will say that of everything I’ve ordered they’re probably the least comfy and on that basis I’m not sure if I’d buy them again. They look great and I will push myself to wear them for that reason but they’re the kind of itchy fabric that I rush to take off and swap for some pyjamas the moment I get into the house. That being said, I don’t know if this is an issue everyone will have because I am someone that is overly sensitive to fabrics so you might not even notice it, plus-stretchy waistband! Which is a plus for sure.

I was also very impressed by the accessories I ordered, which once again completely surpassed my quality expectations. Pretty much everything pictured here was under £5 apart from the shoulder bag which was closer to 10, and when you consider that the price of these is inflated at the moment because of the resurgence of the Y2K trend, this is still ridiculously cheap.

The prices are definitely a concern of mine because unfortunately, when products are this cheap there’s usually somebody being exploited down the line. Since I made this order in May, I’ve had a small slip up with a Motel Rocks order, but other than that have cut out fast fashion completely. I want to be as ethical a consumer as I can, and that’s something I considered before making this post; that being said, YesStyle, actually a Hong-Kong based company in spite of it being touted as the destination for k-fashion, was recognised as a "Caring Company" between 2014 and 2019 (I don’t think this has been updated for 2020 yet given the circumstances) by the Hong Kong Council of Social Service. From what I can find online, this award is given to Hong Kong companies that demonstrate good corporate citizenship and responsibility. Whilst this seems like reassuring information, like I said, I find it hard to believe that the production of clothes selling for these kinds of prices isn’t outsourced to low wage workers at some stage of the process. It’s a hard to know where to stand, because obviously the fast fashion industry DOES create jobs that people rely on to sustain themselves but at what point does the treatment of workers in developing countries negate the opportunities the industry provides here in the UK? “There is no ethical consumption under capitalism” and all that but shouldn’t we try to make a change where we can? I agree with the statement though at times it can come across like a deflection of individual responsibility. Plus there’s the environmental side of the debate-having to fly the garments over from the point of manufacture obviously takes a massive amount of fuel which it goes without saying is hugely detrimental to our planet. The sizing is also an issue; the average clothes size here in the UK is a 12, I believe, and yet a size medium seems to come up as about an 8. Asian sizes do tend to come up smaller in general but at the same time, if that’s the case, as an international retailer shouldn’t YesStyle at least address that somewhere on the site?

I don’t want to end on a negative note because compared to sites like Zaful, SheIn, and even UK based retailers such as Pretty Little Thing and Boohoo, YesStyle appears to be one of the better ones. The quality of their garments is incredible for the prices and I admire the transparency of having reviews for every product be so readily accessible. It’s also great to see that they have a section specifically addressing their response to the COVID-19 pandemic, AND  offer refunds to their customers for import fees. God, I don’t know why this isn’t something that more websites do? I will never forget being slapped with a £100+ invoice for a Dolls Kill (bleurgh) order I made once back in the more impulsive shopping days and all the Karen-y emails I sent back and forth. Import fees are understandable but international retailers should definitely make it clearer how these are calculated and give more of an indication of just how steep these fees might be if you’re making a large order. It almost seems disingenuous not to do so especially when said retailers most likely know that customers wouldn’t make these orders if they had an idea of what it would cost just to get access to the goods they’ve already paid for.

I won’t ramble on for much longer because there is so much important shit going on in the world right now and I don’t want to take up time that could be spent reading more valuable posts-with the shooting of Jacob Blake earlier this week, and the death of Chadwick Boseman earlier today (I can’t imagine the amount of mental and physical strength it takes to film all the movies he did back to back whilst dealing with colon cancer), the most important thing to do is listen to how black individuals are feeling and what they are thinking right now. I will keep an eye on my dashboard and retweet what I can. Thanks for reading. Even if you’re just here for the photos, I appreciate it! And I don’t know if I’ve said it before but please know that my messages are always open to anyone struggling, especially with everything that’s going on at the moment. I don’t claim to be a professional but I can always listen. Lots of love<3

Lauren x

[thefairefolk-rp]

Do you have any advice for someone trying to start their own literate/semi-literate roleplay? (I know yours is fully literate but I'd like to allow short replies sometimes in mine) It's my first time

Hi there! Oh gosh I have so many things I wish I could have told myself seven years ago when this all began. I’ll try to boil it down to some things I think are most important. But, I already know this is going to be a novel lol. So, sorry in advance. 

1. Don’t be too overzealous with the amount of characters, factions and locations in the game: When I first started, I set out to make this massive sprawling faerie world with a choose-your-own-adventure feel to it. I wrote new bios alllll the time, and added new interesting groups and organizations whenever they came to mind. We had everything from barmaids in the distant slums, to wild fae youth living in the woods, to princesses living in the capitol. What this turned into was an rp that had literally over 100 (?!?!) characters to choose from, from pretty much everywhere on this huge map. I got to write all these super fun characters and people seemed really intrigued by the variety. In theory this was great. However, I started to realize that it made it more difficult for our members to come up with storylines long-term. Sometimes it was hard to even come up with how to get two characters with vastly different backstories could be in the same place. In 2018 I did a complete revamp that largely involved finding a more central theme for the rp, and cutting a huge number of bios and groups out. What I landed on was a concept that was a fae royal court drama, instead of a story about an entire faerie world.  So, now most characters are nobility, or involved with royals. There is now also a central theme of these warring old fae families, and an established history of backstabbing and scandal. It has helped a lot because now characters have tons of parties, royal events, etc. that they can plausibly meet at and even old beefs between families to stir things up. I could have saved so.much.time if I had really tasked myself in the beginning with deciding exactly what I wanted this story to be about and stopping myself when I started over-designing. 

2. Find a really solid admin team that you trust: I think in the beginning I felt like this was rp was my baby, and felt like things needed to be done a specific way. I was more resistant to changing things, even when they needed to be. But, over the years I have gotten to work with so many talented people with skills and ideas I could never have dreamed up. The more open I was to other ideas, the better this rp became. To this day some of my favorite things in the rp were not made by me! Also, find people with strengths you don’t have. For example: I find it really difficult to come up with new events, while the other two admins here are very good at them.

3. Make sure maintaining diversity is a constant goal. Many people are tired of seeing white-washed, straight, cis, non-disabled characters over and over. I think it’s our responsibility as rp admins to make sure our characters reflect the true diversity of the world around us. Add diverse faceclaims, and do your research on any group you are trying to represent that you are not very familiar with to make sure it is done with respect. This includes race, gender, sexuality and body diversity (quite honestly, we are still not where I want us to be with every category yet). We somewhat recently made the choice to disallowing people to change the race of a character because of how often people wanted to swap out a POC for a white faceclaim to make sure our diverse choices stay diverse. On a side note, there are a lot of rph’s (roleplay helpers) who will not promote or shoutout your group if your diversity is lacking. So it’s just beneficial all-around to make sure you’re doing it right.

4. Make sure your roleplay feels unpretentious and un-intimidating even for those who may not have participated in a literate rp before, or never rp’d at all. I think literate roleplays can have a (sometimes earned) reputation for being a bit elitist and intimidating. It can feel like a lot, especially when for so many of these roleplays such a large writing sample is asked for. We made an Application Guide that boils down our most important information, and a description of what is expected of an applicant so that people feel like they have a solid jumping off point. We also send a “How to Get Started” guide to all new members that includes a list of which blogs to follow, the link to our member list, and the link to our rp’s discord channel. If someone tells you they are new to this, really go the extra mile to make sure they are settled and comfortable.

5. Promote your rp effectively: Make sure your theme is easy to navigate, your color scheme is easy on the eyes and fits the vibe of the roleplay, and that a navigation page is easily accessible. Try to make your navigation page as intuitive as possible. If you have lots of lore like we do, making sure people can easily find the article that will answer their question. Also make sure a link to the plot, and characters is visible on the main page.

I recommend making sure your rp’s page really matches your setting and story so that it’s immediately apparent what some of the themes of the plot are. We use lots of royal imagery, fantasy imagery and nature imagery for ours. I know obtaining pretty graphics, especially if you may not be as well acquainted with with photoshop, can be difficult. Do the best you can, with what you have and don’t sweat it too much if it doesn’t start out how you want it to. I taught myself photoshop for this roleplay, and made many of my own graphics at first. They weren’t perfect, but I was able to get the idea across. I found the person who made my current graphics through a roleplay that I loved the aesthetic of. There are definitely some rp helpers on here who accept commissions to design graphics. Some charge, others don’t. Decide what works best for you! Also, make sure that the small 

I’m not sure if you know about about making a promo blog, and how to use the tags to promote. Let me know if you don’t, and I can PM you way more info on that because there definitely is a bit of a science to it. 

6. Don’t get too let down by slow periods: Obviously I am very very stubborn because this rp is old af. But, just know ALL roleplays have slow periods. I have had apps dry up for weeks or even months sometimes. I have had the dash entirely stop moving before, and activity 99.9% die. This used to absolutely panic me. But, now I get that this is just the inevitability of a long-term roleplay sometimes. It is often an indicator that something needs to change. Adding a fun event, or a new plot drop can make all the difference.  We recently did an Avatar: The Last Airbender AU that really boosted activity! If that doesn’t help, troubleshoot by messaging rph’s who offer opinions or rp help, or straight up asking your members what they’d like. Both can have great insight on what you can improve. But, be ready to not always hear what you want to. 

I hope this was helpful! If you come off anon and send me a message, I would be more than happy to chat with you further in private messages and answer more questions. I am genuinely so jazzed to see new literate/semi-literate roleplays pop up!

- Admin L

[sarcasm-and-references]

hi! here is the spotify link for my Trollhunters playlist in which i chose one song to represent each episode, listed in order:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7mdB5Vss7D0jAAS2S1sbPP?si=RGdbyHgvQY6PUCM_djbRYQ

full list of why i chose each song + some disclaimers under the cut (very long)

first off: it’s named pretty inconspicuously because this is my personal spotify and i didn’t want my friends figuring out what it was

okay so i’m a musician and i love the use of music in media, so i will often draw connections between how i feel listening to a song and how i feel watching a film or tv show

as a result, i’ve compiled a playlist and an explanation for 52 songs (one to represent each episode of Trollhunters). it’s in order but you could also just shuffle it for a generalized Trollhunters vibes playlist

one final thing: this is by no means a definitive list, and it is heavily biassed because of my taste in music which means it is mostly alternative or indie pop and rock music (there are also a few explicit songs, just a warning) so just to put that out there

alright, here is the complete list of why i chose each song:

Becoming: Part 1

Mr. Blue Sky - Electric Light Orchestra

Nothing too specific, it just gives off the vibes of morning, a small town, and the start of something big. I think the lyrics work a bit too but the sound and energy are perfect in terms of cinematic elements so full send on this one.

Becoming: Part 2

Could Have Been Me - The Struts

Chances are, you know this song if you’re a tik tok cosplayer or have seen any video of that sort. This choice felt right in terms of both lyrics and the music itself. It’s very hopeful and it talks about wanting to make something of oneself. I tend to associate this song with Percy Jackson and there are some parallels there. Kind of a modern-day heroism feel, which is definitely fitting for this show and the episode specifically.

Wherefore Art Thou, Trollhunter?

I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers

This episode seems to me like more basic exposition and is just setting up the first arc of the story, so I chose this song not completely for the lyrics (although I do think they fit for Jlaire in terms of Claire and Jim’s interaction but I’m trying my best not to focus too much on them). I think the sound and energy is pretty good for this song, and if you strip the song to its most simple interpretation, it’s clearly about wanting to improve.

Gnome Your Enemy

I’m Just a Kid - Simple Plan

Ha-okay this choice is a bit of a joke because of the angst but honestly I do think it fits for the gang’s first mission and Jim’s attitude and reluctance towards trollhunting in general.

Waka Chaka!

Killer Queen - Queen

Yeah this is mainly for Nomura and her introduction. Not much thought went into this choice but as I make this list I’m finding that episodes that I choose a song for often end up with a song for a character that’s featured (dw there’s not too many of these).

Win Lose or Draal

Centuries - Fall Out Boy

Jim’s first real fight; showing off everything he’s learned so far. Being a moral person and not ‘finishing the fight.’ A hero in the making.

To Catch a Changeling

Brother - Kodaline

So I think this song could definitely be used to represent Jim and Toby, but I wanted to take the chance to choose a song for the protective trust that Draal starts to build with Jim. Obviously this episode is much more than that, but I see that scene where Jim is reflecting Draal’s fighting moves as the unofficial start of their brother-like relationship. So yes, I did pick a song because of one small scene.

Adventures in Trollsitting

Hey There Delilah - Plain White T’s

This one is a bit of a joke but Jim is definitely simping for Claire in this episode by volunteering to babysit so I have chosen a song to fit with that. (Also, wOw this explanation makes it VERY clear I’m gen z).

Bittersweet Sixteen

100 Bad Days - AJR

Lyrics specifically fit here. Yes, a lot goes wrong in this episode, but the relationships are strengthened (Blinky and Jim) and it’s sweet in the end.

Young Atlas

Number One Fan - MUNA

Not gonna lie, I wanted to sucker punch Jim in this episode. This song choice is kind of satirical but really just for being confident and self-assured. Lyrics fit for the chorus and parts of the verses.

Recipe for Disaster

Carmen, Suite No. 2: VIII. Habanera - Saint Petersburg Orchestra of the State Hermitage Museum Camerata

Wow that’s a long title. Okay this is the only choice that has no lyrics/is classical on this list, but that is mainly because I chose it specifically for Strickler because he seems like a classical music kind of guy (maybe it’s a changeling thing @ Nomura). Also this is a pretty recognizable piece (in my opinion) and I also think it would sound pretty epic and would make for some great cinematic effects if played during the fight in this episode.

Claire and Present Danger

Seashore - The Regrettes

Originally, I was going to go with a song that fit the heroism arc in this episode but! I focus on Jim a lot in this playlist. Instead, this song is a choice for Claire and where she is in the story (finally being brought into the action). I’ve always loved her for being feminine and badass at the same time, so this song is somewhat a choice as an anthem for her (especially her being so headstrong and determined).

The Battle of Two Bridges

Young Volcanoes - Fall Out Boy

Teenage recklessness and power. Reminds me of adventures and young adulthood, plus the whole modern heroism again. I think this song also correlated with a high-stakes battle which is exactly what happened in this episode. Plus? How sick would it be if there was a fight and the strikes and dodges were coordinated with the beats in this song??

Return of the Trollhunter

Kids in America - Kim Wilde

More for the vibes in the beginning when it feels like it really should have been a new season. I think the lyrics fit pretty well here too. Fits with Claire joining the team and the heroes starting to come into their own.

Mudslinging

What’s Up Danger (With Black Caviar) - Blackway

This one was fully for Angor Rot and his first real introduction. He’s presented as an obvious and looming threat. While this song’s lyrics fit more with the more badass side of modern heroism (connects to Jim showing off his skills), I think the sounds fit with Angor and how he has begun to raise the stakes. This also may be a result of me associating this song with teenage heroes since it’s from the Spider-man: Into the Spider-verse soundtrack.

Roaming Fees May Apply

Welcome to the Jungle - Guns ‘n’ Roses

What can I say? The gang finds themselves in an unpredictable situation. It’s an adventurous episode to say the least. I feel like this song is used for action movies somewhat often so I’m throwing it in for this episode.

Blinky’s Day Out

Hooked on a Feeling - Blue Swede

This is almost completely a comedic choice. Barely any thought went into this one, and the lyrics have nothing to do with it. It is purely for the good vibes that always accompany this song because I feel like Blinky’s time on the surface was (at least initially) a “good vibes” situation. The apparent simplicity of being human can feel that way.

The Shattered King

Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley

I’m using this episode to focus on Toby. Although there’s not much character development in this episode specifically, I think Toby deserves a better arc and I do want to give him at least one song. While I think there’s a lot more to Toby than he lets on or that which is shown in the show, he’s often used for humor and is basically the stereotypical funloving best friend. He seems like he’d enjoy a feel-good, upbeat, “classic” song, and there’s silly dancing in this episode so danceable song! (Also if the show were more accurate to today’s teens, I wholeheartedly believe Toby would be a meme-lover).

Airheads

Little League - Conan Gray

I absolutely love the simplicity of this episode, even if it’s just filler, but I have indeed found a way to make it angsty. This song choice is fully for the lyrics (though the sound isn’t completely wrong for the feel of the episode). I think this show gets progressively more emotional throughout the seasons, and, at this point, the kids are competing for Spring Fling nominations while Toby and Claire deal with a ridiculous problem. Something about this episode just seems to represent naiveté and this song talks about longing to return to childhood and innocence.

Where Is My Mind?

Hotel California - Eagles

Seeing as the obvious choice might have been Where Is My Mind? by Pixies, I tried to branch out here. This episode is honestly eerie because the characters face their worst fears but never discuss them or understand why/how it happened. For me, the vibe was a sort of mellow rock song and a dreamlike state. Thus: Hotel California. If I think about it enough, the lyrics work because of the sort of ominous false sense of security that I imagine using this song for in a story. Ultimately though, it’s the sound and energy.

Party Monster

Candy - Robbie Williams

This is solely for the vibes just because it feels like a party song to me for some reason. Sorry I didn’t put much thought into this one. Also though? This song and its lyrics low-key remind me of Mary and this is one of the few episodes in which she was featured somewhat prominently.

It’s About Time

Blitzkrieg Bop - The Ramones

Definitely not for the lyrics, I think it’s just the sound and the energy almost completely for this song. For me, it just seems very high-energy and almost tense because of a fast heartbeat? I can just imagine this song playing as Jim is racing through town as quickly as possible. It’s a bit stress-inducing, honestly.

Wingmen

Victorious - Panic! At the Disco

High energy, but this is more of a simplistic choice to go with the fight scene and the progress we see from Jim as far as his training goes.

Angor Management

Carry On Wayward Son - Kansas

I chose this song as a representation of the dynamic that we see starting to form between Strickler and Jim. They’ve become unlikely teammates and Strickler is obviously a guiding figure for Jim, but I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s a father figure yet? Lyrics play into this choice a lot.

A Night to Remember

Just Like A Movie - Wallows

Specific to the dance scene. Nighttime lit up by emotion; bright kind of vibe. I thought about some other songs like Don’t Take the Money and Reckless Love (both by Bleachers), also Electric Love by BØRNS (didn’t choose that because I don’t really want to support BØRNS but I won’t get too into that). Ultimately, I think this one works best both with lyrics and overall sound. I’m a sucker for Jlaire so I had to focus on this part of the episode and how cute it was (sorry (not really tho)).

Something Rotten This Way Comes

Lessons - mxmtoon

Thinking about what you’ve learned and how to move forward in the present. Correlates more with where the story is at in this season finale, not as much with what exactly happens in the episode. Definitely a choice made for the lyrics (although Jim probably should have listened to the part about patience).

Escape from the Darklands

Hero - Weezer

Any upbeat, modern rock music for me always seems to fit the vibe for teenage heroes. I think the lyrics hit the nail on the head for characterizing Jim in this episode. He feels a huge responsibility and fear, and isn’t sure he can live up to it. Also I love him but going into the darklands alone? Not the smartest.

Skullcrusher

Off She Goes - Bad Suns

For Claire and her development in this episode. The emotion she has to use and how she pushes herself. The vibes are there but the lyrics in the chorus are what mainly influenced this choice.

Grand Theft Otto

Weightless - All Time Low

Not too sure about the sound with this one but I like the lyrics here for the dual plot of the episode. I think the whole thing with having a hard time and struggling but also not giving up hope resonates pretty generally with the trollhunters, but also specifically with Jim in the darklands and Claire and Toby (& Blinky) getting stuff done because they’re determined to save both Jim and AAARRRGGHH!!!

KanjigAAARRRGGHH!!!

Highway to Hell - AC/DC

This one is kind of a joke but kind of not. Seeing as this is the episode that the rest of the group goes to the *Darklands* to save Jim, I think the lyrics unironically fit in a humorous way. Can’t go wrong with classic rock either. (Can you tell I was struggling with this one?)

Homecoming

Life on Mars? - David Bowie

Okay, this is kind of just an excuse for me to throw this song in here, but it reminds me of a ragtag team of heroes who don’t necessarily win but live to see another day (probably because of this song’s feature in American Horror Story: Freak Show). Lyrics not so much throughout the song as a whole, but the vibes are definitely there in the chorus. A joke song that came to mind for this (for obvious reasons) was My Boyfriend’s Back by The Angels.

Hiss Hiss, Bang Bang

Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year - Fall Out Boy

Mostly for the vibes, correlates with the energy that Jim has after finally coming home. Also, lyrics fit pretty well here.

Hero with a Thousand Faces

Istanbul (Not Constantinople) - They Might Be Giants

I was searching for so long to find a song to match the chaos and hilarity of this episode (idc if it’s filler I love it so much), and realized only something just as obscure would work. The song and the episode have virtually nothing in common other than they are both ridiculous and I love them for it (sorry if that’s disappointing but hey). Also ever since I saw The Umbrella Academy use this for a fight scene I’ve loved the idea of this song in shows/movies with heroes so maybe this could fit with when Jim fought Hunter!Jim.

Just Add Water

The Kids Aren’t Alright - Fall Out Boy

I love this episode for the irony of the flour baby assignment. The main group is just dealing with so much more than health class homework at this point and yet they still take it so seriously. I chose this song partially because I really wanted to fit it in this list somewhere but I also think it correlates with the characters being so heavily involved in this dangerous, heroic life and still flying mostly under the radar in their small town. They’re going through a lot yet no one seems to notice.

Creepslayerz

I Wanna Be Sedated - The Ramones

This one is for the eagerness that Eli and Steve have to fight the ‘bad guys.’ They’re excited to form a team and I think their dynamic works with this. Also I love their dynamic so much we need more of them.

The Reckless Club

I Was a Teenage Teenager - Green Day.

Really just a fun loving song about kids being kids. Considered Don’t You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds as a Breakfast Club reference but figured I’d try not to make it too easy.

Unbecoming

Generation Why - Conan Gray

Correlates with ordinary life, lack of adventure and wanting something more (both sound and lyrics).

Mistrial and Error

Run Boy Run - Woodkid

Purely for the scene in The Deep where Jim fights his greatest fear. The lyrics are perfect and I could absolutely see this song playing as Jim faces The Deep.

In the Hall of the Gumm-Gumm King

Revolution Radio - Green Day

I think high energy fights + the neon color palette and destruction in Trollmarket fit perfectly with the energy and sound of this song. Obviously also the epic portal escape at the end. I didn’t want to use Children of the Sun by Thomas Bergensen (although that’s a super good song and the instrumental version, None Shall Live, is used in the episode) and thought this one’s lyrics fit well with the team’s resistance/rebellion and renegade status.

A Night Patroll

Next Up Forever - AJR

This is not particularly chosen for the lyrics, but I do think they fit more or less. Correlates with this being the start of season 3, the tension is getting thicker and the stakes are rising. The vibe here is not necessarily being ready to take on responsibilities you know you have to, and being nervous to do so. (I am definitely focusing on Jim a bit much here, but the show is too).

Arcadia’s Most Wanted

Young and Menace - Fall Out Boy

Although the team has been acting as heroes for a while, this is their first time defeating regular crime - the first few phrases of lyrics fit with that the most. Figured it goes with underestimating teenagers. Also I’m noticing while editing that there is a ton of Fall Out Boy in this playlist.

Bad Coffee

The Reckless and the Brave - All Time Low

I chose this one for one of my favorite team-up dynamics: Jim, Toby, Steve, and Eli. The energy and the lyrics in this song I just think are perfect for this group and I think could also correlate with the whole grave sand training thing Jim did in the beginning (‘reckless’ & ‘brave’).

So I’m Dating a Sorceress

Love is Dead and We Killed Her - Doll Skin

Purely for Morgana’s raw badass energy. That’s it, that’s the explanation.

The Exorcism of Claire Nuñez

Rubi - Doll Skin

Specific to Claire, could also be seen as her possession but leans more into her own personal power. Lyrics are definitely important but I think the sound also fits Claire's character.

Parental Guidance

The Times They Are A-Changin’ - Bob Dylan

Not for the energy at all because I can’t really pinpoint that but! lyrics are important here and (even though I think it’s self-explanatory) represent the parents’ reactions.

The Oath

The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance

The lyrics for this one definitely work - about pain and grief but also moving through it. Definitely chose this one for Draal but his death was the main event of the episode so that feels justified. I think the sound is a bit intense for the energy of this episode but I’m really pushing the angst and sorrow with this one. At least I didn’t use Another One Bites The Dust by Queen >:).

For the Glory of Merlin

Yesterday - The Beatles

This one is a bit of a stretch and it was difficult to choose for a while but I personally see Merlin as a morally gray character (although i wasn’t a fan of how he talked to Claire and manipulated Jim but anyway) and I think he’s got a very complicated past. He mentioned that he used to have a pure heart and I found that very interesting so this song is an ode to who he possibly used to be with its lyrics. Also they literally step back into a frozen moment in this episode in time so this felt fitting.

In Good Hands

California Friends - The Regrettes

More for the sweet relationship building that this episode does, and the potential of a closer friendship (the kind we see in D’aja Vu in 3Below). This song is arguably more about romantic love but I think it could work with platonic. (Also Arcadia is literally in California and we need a sunshiny song amidst all the angst in this season).

A House Divided

Ribs - Lorde

Ha-yeah, sorry guys but I had to do it. Quite obviously specific to the bathroom scene and especially the montage right when Jim steps into the tub, about loss of childhood and memories, growing up. I think a lot of people know and have cried to this song, much like a lot of us cried watching this episode.

Jimhunters

Untitled - mxmtoon

Slowly growing up, having to deal with changing relationships. Dealing with hardships while lonely is clearly a big part of most of this episode, but the song correlation breaks off a bit towards the end; the lyrics focus more on pushing through on your own while the episode talks about counting on one another in difficult times. I think it also plays into being a bit fearful of the future and having to adjust to new situations while remembering the past.

The Eternal Knight: Part 1

Don’t Stop Me Now - Queen

The vibes that go with the battle of the bands and also the onset of the fight when everything is getting more dangerous. Also the part of the battle before Jim takes on Angor Rot and Gunmar, where all the trollhunters, creepslayerz, and citizens are fighting together.

The Eternal Knight: Part 2

Time of Our Lives - Tyrone Wells

I know we’ve all heard this in fan-made edits after a series or show ends, but there’s a reason everyone uses this song. Feels like a very nice culmination, specific to parting ways with those you love after shared experiences. Really just for the last scene. This whole playlist idea came from me listening to this song in an edit and getting emotional so there’s that.

[skzbffie]

(190221) skz ending ments @ melbourne unveil tour

Woojin: [KOR] I wanna say good job with everything you've done so far to both Felix and Chan. Especially Felix because he hasn't been able to come back to Australia ever since he left to become an Idol. There must've been so many hardships that we don't know about and I wanna say thank you for putting up with it. I wanna say thank you to our leader Chan for leading us everywhere. Thank you. It's so good to see so many passionate people for us and I thank you so much for coming. [ENG] Thank you! I love you! 

Chan: [ENG] I don't know where to start. Okay, okay, I know where to start. First of all, I'd like to say thank you to our staff at the back always taking care of us with our hair and makeup and everything- our clothes. Thank you so much. There's a lot of people I wanna thank. But, the main people I wanna thank is you guys. I know that it hasn't been a year or two years that I've been overseas, right? It's been more than a few years but the thing that really kept me going is Australia itself. Proud to be Australian! Australia really motivated me to keep going. Because I'm so proud of Australia, I was so glad I was able to show it to my mates here. I wanna use the term that Felix used- My brothers here! If it wasn't for my 8 brothers, I wouldn't be here. If I'm going to grow up and continue living with my 8 brothers and family, I wanna show them where I grew up. I'm really glad that I brought my family here to Australia. Once again, what really motivated me to really debut and become an Artist overseas was- because 8 years ago when I didn't go to Korea, K-POP wasn't as famous as I thought but I really wanted to spread that out and represent Australia and Korea. Both are very special to me. I think that was my biggest dream and I'm living the dream! Thank you! You guys must've been really tired, you're standing in the room- are you guys okay? That's all I wanted to say. Just thank you.

Minho: [KOR] When I woke up in the car, I saw my hometown... I'm in Korea and I'm getting emotional over my hometown. Guess how much Felix and Chan felt to have missed home so much. I'm so happy to be able to come to Chan and Felix's hometown, Australia. We hope to make unforgettable memories for Chan and Felix while we're here. We hope that both of them have the best time and stay happy with the time that they've got here. Every one of the members look so happy because we're in front of Stay. It's all thanks to you guys. You guys are making us so happy. So thanks to you guys, we'll make you happier forever. [ENG] I love you, Stay!

Changbin: [KOR] I wanna express my happiness for both Yongbokkie and Chan. I'm so happy for them. During the 9 hour flight from Korea to Australia, Yongbokkie was so nervous. [To Felix] Isn’t it worth not sleeping on the plane? Felix: IT IS!!!!! Changbin: "If I’m so happy, how happy would Yongbokkie and Chan feel?” Are you all happy, Stay? We wanna come back again to Australia. [ENG] I love you!

Hyunjin: [KOR] It might be one of our best days ever for Stray Kids. It's an amazing experience for both Chan and Felix because they're coming back to their hometown. They must've struggled so much coming to Korea. I feel so proud of them and so happy for them. They don't express it out loud very much but the struggles they might have gone through, we couldn't have expressed it anywhere else. I want you guys to give them both an applause. I'm getting so many good vibes from here and I feel so happy to be here. Thank you for helping them. (?) [ENG] And I love you!

Jisung: [ENG] Hiii Stay. Woow. Hi Stay, I felt very nervous before I came here. A little bit afraid because this is our first time to come here in Australia. We we're like, "Woah. This is awesome." But after the show started, I was like, "WOAH. YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! AUSSIE!" During the stage, I was like, "Woo! This is awesome, dude!" Very enthusiastic. Your energy was really hard and I was like, "Woah. This show is fire!" Wow. Really thankful to our members, especially Chan-hyung and Felix. Chan-hyung always leads us like a real leader and like family. Sometimes, I feel like, "Wow, he must be so tired." But, he never showed it. [KOR] Despite that, thank you for always looking after us. Felix, it must've been so hard for you to practice and learn Korean at the same time. He has overcome it very well and that's why I think we're here today. [ENG] Today's a really special day. Thanks, Stay! And I love you so much!

Felix: [ENG] Where should I start? Firstly, I’d just like to say its such a pleasure to be back here in Australia; My one and only hometown. Being able to debut overseas and come back home… Two years ago when I began as a trainee and coming from Syndey all the way to South Korea, I do feel that at first it was hard. I looked so forward to becoming a trainee and growing up and I looked forward to becoming a Korean Idol/Artist. It was something I really dreamed of but having to leave behind everyone else that's apart of your life was very different. Coming out, first, it was hard. I didn’t know where to start, I didn't know how to do things. It was was much more difficult than what I expected. I couldn’t be more thankful to have Chris. Ever since I started he's always been such a leader. Not only a leader but a caring brother. We didn’t know each other at first- I didn’t know anyone at first but as time passed by we all trained together as 9, and we built this bond that I don't even think that I've ever experienced. Having all my brothers beside me, and also to have JYP just beside our side, it was really a pleasure. I always dreamed to come back here and never give up. I always wanted to show that it is hard, but I know that it’s not impossible. I just wanted to realise that myself. I realised that if you have that little fire deep inside you, even though it's small or big, as long as you still have it in yourself, I do feel that you can do anything you want. What I’d like to say is, just coming back with [Stray Kids] it’s really a dream. I feel accomplished. Lastly I'd like to say, thank you and... Thank you! Thank you, guys!

Seungmin: [ENG] I'm really glad that I could come here to Channie-hyung and Felix's hometown, Australia. Sadly, before I came to Australia I thought that I might not be able come here cause I got hurt. But because there are a lot of Australia Stays who are waiting for us- even though I'm sitting here, I really wanted to show my appearance so I couldn't give up. I'm really sorry that I can't show my best but next time, I promise to show my best performance in a much better and healthier condition. Thank you for cheering and don't worry cause I'll get better soon.

Jeongin: [KOR] Of course, Unveil: The Concert is so much better here. It's so much fun to be here right now at this concert. Felix and Chan both said that performing in Australia is their dream. I'm so happy that I can be apart of their dream come true. I never knew that being apart of someone's else's dream and fulfilling it with them on their journey was such an amazing experience. Thank you. I love you, Stay and Stray Kids brothers who have made this dream so unforgettable. I'll keep trying my best, and practice more, and become a better person. [ENG] Thank you, Stay. Aussie!

++Chan's ment between YaYaYa and Grow up: [ENG] Did you guys have fun? That's all that matters. I'm so happy to be here to perform for you guys. We're all happy! If you guys are having a hard time, just know that we're going through the hard times as well, okay? Whatever it is, send us a letter, send us anything, and we'll read it and we'll show that we actually care. You guys aren't lonely and we'll be here with you, Stay!

[harryandmolly]

i could write it better than you ever felt it - FINAL

summary: fuck growing up. this is freedom, this is life, this is youth – 2007 Warped Tour style.

warnings: Language, vintage Something Corporate, oversugaring tea amidst Londoners

word count: 5.2k

A/N: this is it, fam! thanks for coming along in my time machine. I hope it’s everything you dreamed it would be. Shawn’s song is “As You Sleep” by Something Corporate, highly recommend a listen. thank you for everything you are and everything you give me. I love you guys.

Lucky 13.

The emblem of the 2007 Warped Tour has surrounded her all summer, but it feels especially present today somehow, on the last day of tour in Carson, California.

It seems a contradiction in terms, lucky 13, which Val supposes is probably the idea. She knows it’s a cheeky nod to the counterculture vibe that Warped Tour represents, but it also feels representative of her in some ways.

Val’s had a very contemplative and quiet three weeks since she gathered her things and walked out of that hotel room, leaving the scribbled note on the pillow behind her. She’s turned inward, no longer hounded by her conflict with Raf or Bea, able to focus on herself for the first time in a few months. And she’s picked out a few things that coincide with the theme of the summer.

Val is often reckless, and sometimes maternal. Val is book smart, and also street smart. Val embraces academia, but sometimes thinks she could drown herself in music and never read books again. Val is vibrant even when she is broken.

Humans are made up of contradictions, Val knows that as well as anyone. She is not suddenly realizing that she is not only one thing -- her dichotomies are not really news to her. But as she thinks about the people she loves most, she sees the way certain parts of their personalities bump up against other parts and fight for dominance, and she loves them more richly for it.

Humans are made up of contradictions and Val is embracing that from here on out. She arrived on the first day of Warped wearing a blink t-shirt with a textbook on Ming dynasty art in her trunk. All summer, she studied the ways she doesn’t fit in here in the scene anymore like she was looking for reasons to make a clean split and join her adult life across the pond. But the truth is, she failed. She looked for the ways that made her feel different from this world that she helped in her small way to build, but it’s as much a home to her as academia is and it will never truly feel foreign, no matter how many hours she spends crouched over a 9th century vase with a tiny brush. So her biggest contradiction, her inner strife over choosing academia over pop punk, it fades into her skin like her tattoo, as much a part of her as the dimple in her chin or the curls in her hair that she decided not to straighten today.

Val walks the grounds as the sun begins to fade. The last sets of the day are in progress or being set up. With earbuds in playing Boys Like Girls, she strolls between booths of merch people clinking beers and congratulating each other on a summer well done, between groups of kids comparing signed merch, between crew guys beginning to break down and pack away equipment to be pulled out next June for another go around.

She imagines who she’ll be next June.

She walks slowly on her way to Smartpunk. It seems her body is just as hesitant as her mind to attend this one last set, but she’s doing it anyway. She’s not sure why -- to prove a point to herself? To indulge in the talent one last time? To try to believe in a miracle?

She doesn’t like any of those options. She settles on curiosity and keeps her feet moving in uncharacteristically small steps.

She stands at the back, nice and far from any moshing action, by the All Time Low booth so she can sit on the edge of the table without getting grief from Vinny Vegas.

She wears a small smirk as the space around her fills in. It seems every Warped attendee is a Forefront convert now. She doesn’t blame them. But damn is it a far cry from their first sets in June.

They’re announced over the yelping cries of fans wearing out their last screams of summer. They hustle out in a group, with their tall, gawky frontman bringing up the rear as usual. He plants himself in front of the mic and swings one powerful arm above his head with a wild grin to wave as his adoring fans.

And it begins.

They put on a hell of a show. It’s not a given -- just because you’re good in the studio doesn’t mean you have the chemistry or energy to do well live. There are special bands that make a live concert a nearly religious experience -- her friends in Paramore and All Time Low among them. Forefront has gotten their sea legs this summer and won’t easily lose them now.

She takes the time to notice each member -- passionate, goofy Francis on rhythm guitar, hard-hitting, soft-spoken Seth on the drums, raucous pretty boy bassist Bobby. And then Shawn, switching between his keyboard and guitar effortlessly like he was born with a damn instrument in his hand, charisma leaking out of him all over the stage, making everyone in a fifteen mile radius certain that he’s born to do this.

She closes her eyes through the end of “Open End” and waits for “Swim” to start. When Shawn switches back to the keys at this point in the set, he usually engages in some chit chat with the boys or yammers on to the fans about how much they inspire him or whatever. But he’s quiet and the air around the stage is tense because everyone knows something’s up.

Val opens her eyes. He’s where she expected him to be, propped at the edge of his bench with his fingers resting over the keys, looking down at them frozen.

“We’re gonna play you a new one today.”

Val’s stomach falls out and flops into the dirt at her feet. She’s glad she’s sitting on the table because she can’t feel her legs. She overwhelmed by certainty that whatever’s about to happen, it’s going to be personal. And it’s going to hurt like hell.

Shawn is quiet for a few more electrically charged moments before he closes his eyes, rolls his shoulders forward and leans into the mic, singing before the instruments join him.

“Close your eyes and I will be swimming, lullabies fill your room, and I will be singing, singing only to you. Don’t forget I’ll hold your head, watch the night sky fading red.”

His fingers work furiously against the keys. The piano line is so intricate and shows off his talent for the instrument in a way she’s never seen. He keeps his eyes down at his hands as they dance, distracting him enough from the content of the lyrics so he can get through them without breaking down like he did when he wrote it.

“But as you sleep, and no one is listening, I will lift you off your feet, I'll keep you from sinking. Don't you wake up yet, cause soon I'll be leaving you. Soon I'll be leaving you, but you won't be leaving me.”

Val closes her eyes again and lets herself fall back into their last night, into their frantic lovemaking punctuated by irresponsible, unkeepable promises. She thinks about the weight of his legs between hers as she drifted off with him in the last full night sleep she got on tour. She remembers the way she let her hand rest on his side of the bed to try to tell when he left by how cool to the touch it felt.

“In the car, the radio leaves me searching for your star, a constellation of frustration driving home, singing my thoughts back to me, and watching heartache on TV.”

It feels so good to get this out, Shawn thinks as he hits each note just the way he wants it. This song came spilling out after their last night together in a way that felt too easy. After all that he put her through, he doesn’t deserve to have his art come easy. But art is never fair.

“But as you sleep, and no one is listening, I will lift you off your feet, I'll keep you from sinking. Don't you wake up yet, cause soon I'll be leaving you. Soon I'll be leaving you, but you won't be leaving me.”

By the second chorus, Val knows the words. It’s hard not to zero in when you know they’re about you. She notes the way the crowd reacts, arms in the air waving at him like he’s Jimi Hendrix, cheering along, eating up everything he gives them.

Good, she thinks, he deserves it.

The lead into the bridge is still piano heavy, but his fingers know the strokes of the keys as well as his heart does, so he gets to sit up and look around, grinning as their fans cheer, watching the sky explode vibrant summer watercolors over the trees on the horizon. A thick, soothing breeze passes through.

He looks back through to where he saw her a few songs ago. He lets his gaze stay there long enough that she knows now that she’s been spotted. He licks his lips and leans into the mic, but keeps his eyes up at her, perched on the ATL merch table like she owns it.

He repeats the lyrics even though each word feels like tearing at scabs that won’t be healing for a while. He pours it all in, everything he has left, every piece of I’m sorry, every hint of thank you, every whisper of I love you, it soars out over the heads of the fans who love the words but don’t know the boy that wrote them.

They’re for her.

As the final note fades out under sweeping cries of gratitude from the scene kids that came to celebrate their home and community, Val stands, brushes the dust from her skinny jeans and secures her earbuds back in place. With a final nodding smile to Vinny, she turns from the stage and walks off in gigantic, loping steps to read about John Singer Sergeant and listen to Dookie on repeat.

+++++++

December 18th, 2017

Shawn doesn’t often fit most musician stereotypes -- he doesn’t drink too heavily, he doesn’t do any drug harder than weed, he’s kind of a serial monogamist.

But he does love a moody walk along a body of water.

With a pair of good headphones, a carefully curated playlist and a path along the water, Shawn can figure out anything. When he gets stuck on a song, he goes to the water. When he’s in a weird spot with someone he’s dating, he goes to the water. He doesn’t like to get too spiritual about it, but it does feel somehow clarifying.

So one afternoon in London when the sun is out and the Londoners are out with it, Shawn decides to join them. He’s there on business promoting the latest Forefront album with a Live Lounge performance on BBC Radio 1 with Nick Grimshaw. He’s jetlagged and a little turned around by the Underground system like he usually is when in London but he’s otherwise feeling just fine. He just needs a walk by the water today. He tries not to look too closely at why.

He bundles up in the Barbour jacket his mum got him last Christmas and sets off down the stairs into the opulent Savoy hotel lobby decked out with a Christmas tree in every corner and fresh garland wrapped around every non-moving object in sight. He smiles at it -- nobody does Christmas like the Brits. He’s looking forward to going home in a few days to see his mum and the rest of his family and decompress for a few weeks before heading back over to the UK to write and record their next album.

He gets reflective like this -- the combination of the water and the music offer him perspective he can’t usually reach otherwise. He tucks his hands in his pockets and sets off through the garden that opens up into the Victoria Embankment Gardens, usually lush and green in the spring and summer, full of life and people. He likes it like this, though, cold and quiet and almost like a little secret.

2017 has been good to him. Forefront played seven new countries this year on their world tour in celebration of their sixth studio album. He’s gotten a little better over the years about being more present in those moments rather than looking forward anxiously to the next album and the expectations that surround it. That attitude really spoiled the last few records, but the new friends he’s made in the industry have helped guide him through that. He’s even becoming friends with the Irish guy from One Direction now, though they had very different paths to the music industry. He seems like a cool guy.

Personally, 2017 wasn’t really a banner year. He broke up with Jess in April after almost a full year. He’s had a few of those lately -- relationships that start hot and don’t make it past a year mark. He should take a closer look at that and figure out why he can’t seem to stay in a relationship for longer than 11 months, but he’s too tired to think about it now. It’s been a long fuckin’ year.

It’s been a long ten years, actually, since Joy Ride. He thinks back to the show they played at home in Toronto over the summer to celebrate the big anniversary. They played the whole album start to finish, something they’ve never gotten to do. Being immersed in it like that brings back a lot of memories of that summer when everything really kicked off. Not all those memories are ones Shawn likes to think about.

He doesn’t think about Valentina much. It’s by design. He doesn’t even play “As You Sleep” as often as it’s requested. It just… doesn’t feel healthy for him. He’ll pull it out every once in a while when curiosity gets the best of him, when it’s been long enough that he forgets how sharply he still feels every word of that song. He usually regrets it.

He lets himself wonder about her sometimes, like today when he’s knee deep in nostalgia anyway. He still sees Raf and the other Streets guys. They went on a hiatus for a while around 2013 but are back again recording a new record somewhere in Malibu, from what Shawn’s heard. When he sees them, he doesn’t ask about her. He doesn’t want her knowing he’s asking. And he thinks sometimes he doesn’t want to know what she’s really up to, he’d rather imagine.

He falls into his favorite daydream. He likes to think she stayed in the UK (he always felt like that was the place for her to end up). Maybe she got a job in conservation at Oxford or Cambridge or some other hoity-toity university. Maybe she met a nice, polite, skinny, bookish English guy who looks at her like a miracle every time she speaks to him. Maybe they had a small wedding at his local church and his family loves her because she’s colorful and articulate. Maybe they have dogs -- sheepdogs or setters or something, good country dogs. And maybe they’ve had a little girl.

That’s where he usually shuts the daydream down. For obvious reasons.

But when he doesn’t, he thinks about her and who she might be. He thinks about thick, lush curls flopped over a tiny forehead. He thinks about pouty little lips and a chin dimple that matches her mother’s. He thinks about little feet that kick hard because she’d have to be strong, of course.

Now that he’s letting himself think about it, he thinks maybe she’d look kinda like the kid that’s staring at him, reaching out from her pram that’s parked next to the bench he’s strolling past. He smiles at her and she beams back with a grin that has only two teeth. It makes Shawn laugh.

He glances over at her lucky mum or dad.

And it’s almost like he expected it, like it had to be her. I mean, this kid really couldn’t have been anyone but Val’s. She’s just… so Val.

So when Shawn looks her over, from her sweeping dark curls and her leather trousers and her ankle boots, he’s barely even surprised to see her. He just tips his head back and chuckles at the universe.

“Hey mister,” she calls, and her voice sets his skin rough with goosebumps, “Can I have your autograph?”

Shawn lets go of where he’s holding on to the wrought iron fence above the banks of the Thames and walks over, his chelsea boots scratching at the frosty stone.

She doesn’t stand to greet him. She’s got a similar look on her face, bemused acknowledgement of fate and its tricks, like she was thinking about him too and they both somehow willed this to happen. Her long slender legs are crossed. She has one black leather-gloved hand in the pram in the grasp of her little girl who’s chewing on her finger and no longer paying Shawn any attention.

“Hey, Vally,” he sighs. He doesn’t mean to call her that, it just happens. She doesn’t visibly react beyond a slightly deeper dimple in her cheek, so he figures he scraped by with that one.

“Were you on your way somewhere?” she asks, glancing back as if she realized she might be taking him away from something.

He shakes his head. “No, I just-- I’m staying at the Savoy and I like these gardens. I just wanted a walk.” He has enough presence of mind to pause his music. He doesn’t bother to mention it’s an old Streets song. That she wrote.

“We like it out here. We live over by the Farringdon stop but we take the train out here because we like the waterfowl.”

Val looks down at the pram as she speaks. Shawn takes that as an invitation to acknowledge her more formally.

“Who’s this?” he asks breathlessly.

“This is Alice,” Val replies with as much pride as he’s ever heard from any mother, “Alice Fernanda Moreno, she’s nine months old and very hefty for her age because we run a body positive household and she loves mashed carrot and swede.”

Shawn lifts a hand and waves in that open-close way he does like he’s a big toddler himself. Alice kicks hard and squeals at him.

“She’s… so beautiful,” he marvels. Val’s smug smile tells him she agrees. Shawn doesn’t share his next thought because it feels like a line and he doesn’t want to go there.

Because she looks exactly like you.

“I picked out a real pretty one,” she jokes, tightening the wrap of the thick wool blankets around Alice as she yawns.

Shawn continues staring at her openly, trying to pick out features that could belong to any potential father, but as far as he can tell, Alice is simply a clone of Val. It’s Val’s throat clearing that brings him back.

“Sit, Mendes,” she suggests, patting the warped wooden bench. Shawn lowers himself on the other side of the pram as Val rocks it back and forth with her foot.

“She’s been fussy today, but it’s naptime. She has to give in eventually,” Val mutters like she’s reasoning with herself. Shawn grins.

“You have a daughter.”

Val doesn’t look up from the pram as she rocks it. She just nods and snuggles into her prim peacoat.

“I have a daughter.”

Shawn can’t bring himself to ask. She’s wearing gloves so he can’t see if she’s wearing a ring. He stays quiet and studies her instead.

She looks largely the same, barely even older than she did at 22. Her sense of style is maybe the only thing he can see that’s changed in the ten years since he’s seen her last. There’s something comforting in that.

He wonders if he seems different. He works out more now, eats right. He’s definitely put on a whole lot of muscle since he was scrounging for burger scraps on Warped. He’s gotten a few more tattoos she can’t see. He also has an actual stylist now, which is sometimes weird, but he’s elevated the black skinnies, Vans and band tees to black skinnies, $800 boots and silk button-ups. So there’s that.

He’s still got that lip ring though.

But… he wonders if he seems different. If he carries himself differently. If he comes off more confident, more calm, less wide-eyed and wondering.

Because she seems the same. She’s always glowed from the inside out like this. Maybe the glow feels a little stronger now. Or maybe it’s just because she glows through herself and her baby girl all at once. Shawn sits back and watches them -- he could bathe in it all day.

“You know it’s been ten years?” she breathes.

Shawn nods slowly. “I know. Kinda feels like 40.”

She laughs and a piece of him astral projects back to nights tangled up in her bunk kissing her neck and trying to keep her quiet so her brother won’t come mock them from outside the bunk curtain.

“It does,” she muses, “But sometimes it feels like fifteen minutes ago, too.”

Shawn tips his head back and sniffs, looking up through a tall pine as its needles shiver.

“Has your decade been good to you?” she murmurs. He lifts his head back up. She’s staring down at the baby.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s been great. We’ve toured a lot, done a few more albums. The guys and I, I mean, you know us, we’d push each other in front of a bus most days, but we’re brothers and maybe obsessed with each other, too. We’re on a great ride.”

Val lifts her eyes to his briefly, all too knowingly, and lowers them back to the pram. “That’s good.”

Shawn shakes his head. “That’s not even at all what you meant, was it?”

“Nope.”

Shawn goes quiet, contemplative. Val waits him out until he’s ready.

“It’s harder than I thought it would be,” he chokes finally, “Everything about it. Writing after Joy Ride, it was… it got bad. I mean, I was ok, like fundamentally, but I didn’t feel good. We had so many eyes on us. We had no idea what to do, just like no one else does. Some tours were great, some were bad. And the whole deal makes everything else harder. It’s hard on my family, my friends. I… I haven’t been in an actual good relationship in… five years, at least. This year was better. We’ve gotten our feet back under us. I let it all out in the last album, and that helped.”

“I know, I heard it.”

Shawn looks up from Val’s hands in the pram. For the first time all morning, he’s really, truly shocked to the bone.

“You did?”

Val doesn’t answer him exactly, just mutters something about needing to get the baby inside and announces they’ll head down the lane for a cup of tea. She leads them to a little corner coffee shop made for hipsters, not for women with very expensive prams, but Val doesn’t seem to care and parks in the corner by the fire. She layers down, stripping off her scarf and coat to a black turtleneck. Her cheeks go warm as she settles in and orders for them.

Shawn keeps his mouth shut and tries not to do the mental math of how many of the songs he’s released in the last ten years have been written about her, and exactly how many of them she might have noticed are definitely, totally written about her.

She folds her manicured hands together and looks up at him. His brain mercifully shuts off.

“It took a while after that summer for me to get there, but about three years later, I was around Oxford with some friends and I saw your latest album, on vinyl no less, in some indie record store. I suddenly got this feeling that I had to stop my whole life for a minute and go in and buy it. I bought it and the one that came before it, I said goodbye to my friends and I shut myself up in my flat for a couple days with a bottle of whiskey and just… let it happen.”

Shawn winces. “Wish you’d have just skipped over Making Midnight.”

Val smirks. “I wish I had, too.”

Shawn scoffs and leans back in his chair, mock offended. Val giggles and dumps an ungodly amount of sugar in her Earl Grey.

“I was glad to just hear your voice again, actually. I’d done a good job of avoiding it. Too good, maybe, because it was a real shock to the system when I heard it again.”

Shawn knows how that feels. He went through a Val cleanse too, a much shorter one because he doesn’t have her willpower. And then he heard a song she wrote with Alex Gaskarth for All Time Low’s Dirty Work and he let her back in.

“From then, I just bought your records when they came out. I really loved this last one. It really… I dunno, it just really felt like you, I guess.”

Shawn keeps his head down as he stares at his tea. He hears Alice coo. He looks up to see Val lifting her out of her pram to bounce her in her lap, baby in one arm, cup of tea in the other.

“God, it’s so fuckin’ good to see you,” he croaks, shaking his head a little, “Especially…”

He trails off, unwilling to finish. He ducks his head again.

“Especially with a kid I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to have?” Val guesses.

Shawn glances up and nods.

“Do you want to hear about this?” Val murmurs, ignoring Alice as she yanks at some silky curls.

Shawn chews on his lower lip. “Yeah, I think I do.”

It’s Val’s turn to look down. She stirs the mountain of slowly dissolving sugar at the bottom of her mug and sighs.

“She’s just mine. Last year I started to get a little anxious about my biological clock, especially given the last time I got pregnant. I saw a fertility specialist and we discussed my history and she agreed if I want to have children, it’s probably better to start now. So I went in for IVF. On the second cycle, I got pregnant with Alice. The pregnancy was complicated, but my doctor was a saint and did everything absolutely right. The birth went perfectly. So now it’s me and Alice against the world.”

Shawn slides his tongue against his lower lip, taps his foot impatiently against the leg of his chair. “Just you two?”

“Just us two,” Val replies easily, “There were a couple guys in and out before her, but I haven’t gone out with anyone since I got pregnant. I didn’t feel the need. I just wanted to focus on her. I’m glad I did.”

They’re quiet for a few minutes, reflective. Then Val stands and looks down at him.

“Would you mind holding her for a minute? I need to use the loo.”

Shawn bites his lip and nods, standing to complete the transfer. Alice is asleep in her mother’s arms, but, as Val explains with a chuckle, “she’s a snuggle whore -- she’ll go with anybody for a little cuddle.”

Shawn sits. Alice curls up against his chest and pops her tiny lips in her sleep. She radiates warmth from her little swaddled bundle. As he stares down at her, Shawn fundamentally understands why Val hasn’t needed anyone else in her life since Alice arrived. He thinks if Val let him, he’d never put her down.

Alice stretches a tiny arm out in her sleep and punches Shawn in the chest. He snickers, jostling his little bundle, but it doesn’t wake her. He starts to get comfortable, sliding down in the chair a bit so he can rock her, but Val’s hand on his shoulder startles him.

“It’s ok,” she says, “Keep her, if she’s not fussing. I’d rather she stay asleep.”

Shawn nods eagerly and strokes Alice’s back with his long, rough fingers. Val sits across the table with her elbows propped up like she’s physically restraining herself to keep from snatching her child out of his arms. It makes Shawn grin.

“You ok over there?”

Val blushes, caught. “It’s usually just the two of us. I don’t ever have to share her. I’m not used to jonesing.”

“I’ll give her back if you want,” Shawn mumbles reluctantly. Val giggles.

“No, it’s ok. She looks happy.”

Shawn hums. She does look happy.

“So are you working?” he asks quietly, not wanting to wake Alice.

Val nods. “We are, we work at the V&A in the medieval department. We just started back about a month ago after my maternity leave. The museum’s been very generous. They let me walk around with her strapped to my chest all day. She helps consult on various matters, charms my coworkers into letting me leave bottles of breastmilk in every fridge in the museum. I shifted from conservation to curation a few years ago, which is a steadier, more lucrative track. I think it’ll be better for us.”

Us. We’re working at the V&A. We started back at the museum. Shawn’s enamored. He goes pink and brushes through the curls on the back of Alice’s neck.

“Sounds like you’ve got a great partner here,” he quips.

Val is quiet for a minute. “We’re very happy together. But we get a little lonely sometimes. Like when it’s cold and mummy really doesn’t want to get out of bed but Alice is screaming bloody murder. Those are the only moments when this isn’t the greatest thing in the whole world.”

Shawn looks up. Val is watching him carefully. Before he can speak, she swallows and lowers her gaze.

“But we get along, you know. We’re ok.”

“Yeah,” Shawn says, “I know you are.”

They chat. They talk about Raf and his wife Rachel and their little ones -- Val and Alice will be heading across the pond to spend Christmas with them and her parents. They talk about Bea and how she’s spent five years with the same guy up in Edinburgh and she seems actually happy. They talk about their near miss at Alex’s wedding last April -- she came for the ceremony but had to skip out of the reception, Shawn the opposite. They chat through several more cups of tea, an array of pastries, and another nap cycle until it’s dark and quiet outside. Val stares mournfully out the window as she puts on her jacket with Alice back in her pram, gurgling quietly.

Shawn is silent, brow furrowed. He pays the tab with a ghost of a smile and thinks about walking back to his hotel to sit in his room with the TV to try to drown out this day. It’s… unappealing to say the least.

They walk to the door. Shawn holds it open for Val and Alice and considers that they probably look to anyone else like a young family that spent the day together and are headed home to a warm dinner and a cozy night in.

Val’s heart pounds in her ears faster than their boots’ steps on the crunchy ground. She wants to swallow the words, but she doesn’t think she can. Not with him.

“Would you like to walk us home?” she breathes.

Shawn’s smile is extraordinary. He looks up from Alice’s curious brown eyes.

“Yes, please.”

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[mysticsparklewings]

Roses in Your Eyes

Oh look, a not-Inktober thing! So after my first dive into The Realm of Gouache, I really wanted to play with the medium a little more and try doing some different things with it. More accurately, I wanted to try using the gouache more opaquely, since last time I took a more transparent/watercolor approach. Full disclosure, I actually had the sketch for this done before the gouache set even arrived to me. My original plan was to do the rose part of the "glasses" in the watercolor style from my In Bloom Le Plumes piece, maybe the leaves too, and then do the hair and possibly the skin in the more opaque gouache style. That was the plan so that I could try to get the most out of both sides to what gouache can do. But after I got the gouache and swatched it out, I wanted to try something a little more experimental before I jumped into this drawing so that I'd have a better handle on what I was actually working with. So that's where the first gouache painting came in. So it was after that when I made the decision to commit a little more closely to using gouache in it's more opaque form. The concept for the drawing is something of a play on the phrase "looking through rose-colored glasses," (or whatever the full version of that phrase is, you know what I mean). The original expression, as I'm sure we all know, means seeing something as being better than it actually is, usually because of personal bias. This idea takes it to a bit of an extreme; the glasses aren't just tinted in a rose color, they're straight-up roses. Instead of just viewing something as better than it actually is, the person is willfully ignoring or otherwise blinded to seeing things as they really are entirely. And possibly hurting themselves in the process, if the roses have thorns. (I didn't draw any but they could be there, unseen.) A couple of other notes on the drawing design before I move on: I went with buns in the hair since I usually draw loose/down hair and wanted to mix it up a bit, and to "close off" the drawing I added the leaves at the base of her neck, which also kind of double as a shirt-collar in terms of appearance, which I thought was neat. The leaves and the bit of vine across the nose, as may be obvious, are supposed to represent the frame and bridge of glasses. I transferred the lines from the sketch to piece of Strathmore mixed media paper since I didn't think I'd be using enough water or watercolor techniques to warrant breaking out some 100% cotton paper, but I wanted something thick enough to handle paint, and I thought the smooth-ish texture would suit the gouache based on what experimenting I'd already done. The roses for the eyes had no lines, and admittedly I probably could've gotten away with even fewer lines than the ones I did transfer since the gouache is opaque. I actually had a fair number of hairlines drawn in that got totally covered up since that was way easier than trying to carefully work around them. Anyway. For all the gouache parts, I started with a darker base color, since it's usually recommended that you work from dark to light in gouache, and then I'd go back in with 2-3 lighter colors on top to add shading/depth. The main issues I ran into were when the gouache color wasn't totally opaque, such as the rose base color (which is actually called "Rose," believe it or not) which gives me mixed feelings because on the one hand, it can look kind of interesting in giving you less structured, more unpredictable shading based on how you layer it, but also...well, it's not as opaque, so you have work with it slightly differently compared to the more opaque colors. The other issue was that I really struggled to have enough paint on my brush, particularly when doing tiny details, to get the full opacity and smooth color that I wanted, without leaving a glop of paint where it didn't need to be. Especially in areas like the hair that had a lot of fine tapering lines. I'm not sure how much of the problem is me and how my is or isn't my brushes or what, but this is something I occasionally have issues within acrylic painting too, but it felt way more prevalent here. I did manage to fix some areas that got away from me by layering darker colors back on top of the lighter ones, but then you also have areas like one of the loose hair strands around her chin that got away from me and I had to make noticeably longer than it originally was in order to fix it. (You can probably guess which one it was without me having to point it out for you.) I also had an "issue" in that it was seemingly very easy to mix up way too much of custom color, but that's more of a me problem than a problem with the paint. (And admittedly the above aren't necessarily paint-specific problems either.) Speaking of which, I'm still not sure if my "Titanium White" and "White" got mixed up or not, but since I suspect they did, I used the one I felt like looks more like the mixing white to do so. (Although admittedly I probably could've tried some mixing tests with both to see if I noticed a difference there whatever, perhaps some other time.) And I specifically avoided using black, since I thought it would be too harsh in mixes. For the hair, I just used one of the pre-mixed browns for my darkest and then used lighter colors and made my own lighter mixes to go over it. For the leaves, I actually mixed some of the Prussian Blue into one of the greens to make it darker. I think I may have benefitted from going a little lighter on how much of the blue went in, though. The roses were actually one of the more fun parts since they didn't have to be so precise or specific to make the look work. I started with a base of the Rose/hot pink color, mixed a lighter pink to make sections that probably should've been a little less light in color and slightly larger in shape, and then a slightly lighter pink than should have been lighter to layer on top of the already lighter pink parts. Partly because of some the issues I mentioned earlier and partly because I was just kinda going for whatever with only a minimal plan, I did have to go back and forth with the lights and darks in some areas on these, and I still don't think they look quite alike enough, even though I never intended to make them perfectly symmetrical. I also decided to not totally abandon gouache's watercolor properties with the background, since at this point I was thinking I didn't want to leave it plain white, but I also didn't want to do anything too complicated or intense that might take away from the rest of the art and the concept behind it. So I watered down some of the pink I used for the roses' base color and just kinda went over the background to my heart's content until I was happy with what the textures were doing since I knew it was unrealistic to expect to be able to get the background totally smooth trying to work around the rest of the drawing. Now, originally I was planning on painting in the skin with the gouache, however, I made the grave mistake of not thinking about it until after I'd pretty much finished with all the other painted parts, and I really did not feel like trying to paint around everything. And, honestly, I really did like the contrast of the white skin against the other colors. I did acknowledge that I could have mixed a gray from the gouache and shaded the white skin with that, but it felt like too much of a risk and still like too much of a hassle, so I conceited that I could bring other mediums into this since I'd already done my gouache-exclusive test piece. I grabbed a couple of very, very light gray Copic markers and added some very careful, very subtle shading to the skin. And you guys haven't seen the first time I used this mixed-media paper just yet (it's coming down the pipeline, I promise!), but for the second time I'm kind of in love with how it handles alcohol markers and I really need to try a more marker-heavy illustration on it sometime.   After all that though, it was still missing a couple of things. I ended up breaking out my white uni-ball Signo gel pen to line around the girl just so she really would pop off the background, opting for it instead of the white gouache because, again, that seemed like too much of a chore to try and do. And my white Sakura gelly roll tends to be a little more transparent compared to the Signo, and I really wanted the stronger, stark white look. Then after some thinking, I added the rose lines in the background using a pink and a green Sakura gelly rolls and the stencil I've toyed with using on other projects before. And overall it, it has its faults (especially if you look at it too closely), but I really like how the whole thing turned out. It has almost a surreal vibe to it that I think drives home the initial concept really nicely, and just, in general, it's very sweet colors but has a more eerie feel to it. (At least when I look at it, anyway.) It also very vaguely gives me Luna-Lovegood vibes, so of course, I like it for that alone. I'm not sure what I'm going to make with the gouache next, as so far it seems its planning requires a slightly different thought process than I'm used to, but I have some ideas and all this has succeeded in doing is making me want to use the gouache more.  This definitely isn't the last we'll be seeing of it, that's for sure! ____ Artwork © me, MysticSparkleWings ____ Where to find me & my artwork: My Website | Commission Info + Prices | Ko-Fi | dA Print Shop | RedBubble |   Twitter | Tumblr | Instagram

[theseventhhex]

The Japanese House Interview

Amber Bain

The Japanese House has finally released her debut album ‘Good at Falling’. Produced by The Japanese House (aka Amber Bain), BJ Burton (Low, Bon Iver, Francis and the Lights) and The 1975’s George Daniel, ‘Good at Falling’ follows four acclaimed EPs. ‘Good at Falling’ began as demos recorded by Bain on her laptop in her room in London, and was finished in studios across Wisconsin, Brussels and Oxford, by Bain, BJ Burton and George Daniel. The result is an album that draws from Bain’s life in a way her work never has before - a more personal, vulnerable and yet confident body of work. The hugely anticipated full-length is a swirling and intoxicating mix of ambient electro-pop / indie… We talk to the delightful Amber Bain about self-doubt, being sober onstage and her dog…

TSH: With your excellent album, ‘Good at Falling’, you’re looking into narratives to do with relationships and how they end. What led you to this direction?

Amber: I guess I felt compelled to write about relationships that I’d encountered and been involved within. I mean you write about what you know or what has happened to you specifically, so I decided to write about the changes that a relationship goes through. Also, the end of a relationship happened to me during the process of writing this record so it was embedded within me. This theme is actually going to be way more prominent on the next album than this current one because most of the songs were written before this relationship ended.

TSH: It was also important for you to touch on the challenges that you’ve had with OCD and anxiety too...

Amber: Absolutely. It’s important to be honest about things like mental health. I mean we all deal with grief and mental health issues, so talking about it makes it a lot easier. Part of the pain with mental health problems is this false self-created idea that it’s only you that deals with it and that no one else will understand you. However, once you talk about it, you realise every single person in the fucking world deals with mental health and your problems become so much smaller - it’s not this huge thing that you’re facing alone. Mental health and anxiety are very common things we all have to deal with and it’s always a good idea to let it out.

TSH: Does self-doubt still occur for you when you’re about to release music?

Amber: In ways, yes. You know, I never feel like a record is complete until I’ve literally released it. Until it’s online, it’s not really finished in my eyes. Also, like most artists I always feel like there are things that I’d maybe changeover, but that’s always the case for most creative choices. It’s just good to eventually let your music go. To be honest I’m already thinking about the next record. I certainly don’t want to take another two years to write another album.

TSH: This time around you focused on making the lyrics more truthful, rather than making them character based songs. Was this switch up an organic choice?

Amber: It’s always a difficult decision to know if something is a conscious choice or not. I often dwell on whether to go with my first ideas or not, however, the initial stages of writing are not really up to me in terms of what I‘m writing about - things just happen and unfold naturally. But yeah, being blatant with lyrics was who I’ve become as a person over the last few years, and this ended up being reflected in my lyrics.

TSH: What was it like being located in Wisconsin with producer BJ Burton as you fleshed out this record with more time to yourself?

Amber: Yeah, it was great. I had a lot of time for self-reflection and yoga because there was so much alone time for me. Being by myself is not something that I do very often; I’m usually always with people, especially on tour - I’m never alone. When I was home not long ago I was in a relationship with my girlfriend and I was never alone then either. So having six weeks alone in America was very rare for me. I found it hard and weird at times, but I mostly just used the time for self-reflection.

TSH: What do you recall about the process in bringing together the song ‘Lilo’?

Amber: It was so natural and it squeezed out of me. For me, this song represents having no set method to my creativity and I just let it happen. Also, this song is a more honest representation of my feelings and myself, rather than being fake or contrived.

TSH: Did you decide early on to bookend the album with ‘I Saw You in a Dream’?

Amber: No, I actually didn’t. I don’t really think about the sequencing until quite far into the process. I just knew that I wanted this song on the record because it’s one of the most important songs to me personally. It’s probably the song that moves me and that I connect to most.

TSH: How was your recent US winter tour?

Amber: I’ve toured the US numerous times now and it’s always a lot of fun. This recent winter tour was different because I was playing songs from the new album which nobody had heard and therefore it was a new and refreshing experience for me. It was also quite weird for me because I was not drinking, which is a new thing for me because before that I never really played a show sober...

TSH: How did this make you feel?

Amber: To be honest, it feels far better overall. I feel drunk off the crowd’s energy. Also, being sober means you’re far more susceptible to the crowd and it makes me more able to judge what I need to do. When you’re drunk you wander around like an intoxicated person and hope that the audience feed off your vibes. In ways this new approach may be harder, but it’s so much more rewarding.

TSH: Do you value your time off being spent with your dog?

Amber: Ha! Yes. I have a dog that I love waking every day. It does freak me out at times caring for him, but I have some sort of peace in the sense that I know that I’ve adopted him and that I’m giving him a nicer life than he was having previously. I can sustain having him and we bring each other so much joy, but I do miss him on when I’m tour - it’s a horrible feeling. When I’m on the road he stays with my dad and is cared for so much. He’s often having a holiday in the countryside when I go on tour. He has a city and a country life, ha!

TSH: You also squeeze in a few films when you can manage to watch them too?

Amber: Yeah, I saw Bohemian Rhapsody recently, and it was amazing. I was actually talking to my friends about how cool it is now to see more movies featuring lesbian relationships, which is a really positive thing. When I was younger there were literally like two films with gay girl scenes. Now, there are loads, and it’s so cool to see. I actually watched Disobedience on a plane, which wasn’t a good idea because it was a very intense sexual film and I was trying to not to gasp with excitement during the sex scenes.

TSH: Are your future preferences with your music to simply be bolder and more ambitious?

Amber: Those are two factors I want to employ, for sure. Overall, I just want to ensure that I don’t put out the same shit over and over again. I need to challenge myself and show that I can be diverse. It’s a constant battle to release classically good music or strange music that sounds like nothing else. I kind of argue with myself sometimes about what’s more important: writing a good song and not giving a fuck about the production, or choosing the other side of it and making the production like nothing else. I guess my goal is to merge those two things as much as possible… it’s hard to do, but I’m hopeful of doing so.

The Japanese House - “Lilo”

The Japanese House - “Maybe You're the Reason”

Good at Falling

[c4ndy111]

HI LOVELY!! OH MY GOSH YAYY IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUUU, YOU’RE STARTING!!

can i please have a reading on how my life will be in 2025? (romantic partner, friends, career, and personal life)? thank you so much!!! my initials are r.r and my sun sign is gemini! ALSO, you should watch the harry potter series, it’s my fav!! haha!! 🧸💕

hello!

thank you so much for all the support you always gives me, since the beginning you encouraged me to do the readings and i’m really grateful for that <3

i already watched all the hp movies and read all the books haha but thank you!

here’s what i got;

justice - knight of swords - five of cups reversed - the magician

justice

this represents literally justice, all karma being counted and all your doings coming back at you or people who did you wrong

it’s not in a negative way, it’s neutral

whatever you did will come back at you as in a form of a lesson

and i see that you will be pretty evolved by then

so no need to worry

you will be the person that you always wanted to be

knight of swords

oh wow! i see a BIG change coming, something that you been waiting for a really long time, something great

that thing that popped out on your head right now?

yea it’s going to happen

if not that, something even better

but it’s not very clear, they don’t want u to know it yet

the phrase “good things take time” came into my head right now

i also see a man, witty, sarcastic man

air sign vibes, especially aquarius

he is young, open minded and a free spirit

he will turn you world upside down, but in a good way

if it’s not a man, reaaaally strong masculine energy

it could be also a friendship but i don’t think so, i got flirtatious vibes kinda cocky tbh

but not in a bad way haha

by 2025 you will be the better version of yourself, confident, assertive, interesting, daring, bold, courageous, all this kinda of stuff

if that flirty person is actually a romantic connection, believe me you are going to be READY to deal with his shit

in a fun loving way ofc

also a bit spicy… haha

anyways

five of cups reversed

such a weird energy, i got creeped out the moment i saw the card, really scary, i got bad vibes

it can signify a period of great mourning, judging for my intuition, i didn’t get good energy AT ALL from this card, even being on reversed, it did not phase me at all

in my book says that the this card reversed “represents acceptance, forgiveness and healing. You have come to terms with your grief and sorrow. You have realised that living the rest of your life in regret, mourning or sadness will not change the past and have accepted that you have to move on with your life. You are beginning to open up your awareness to the opportunities that have been all around you all along. “

but as i said, it was so weird

like it was staring at me

it made me really uncomfortable

heavy energy

maybe you will go through a loss, but the official meanings are positive, however at the moment i picked this card up i got chills (in a negative way) and my heart started racing, it’s even racing it now, making it hard to concentrate on the other cards

the magician

a breath of fresh air

i felt the need to pull one more card for closure

and because i couldn’t handle the 5 of cups being the final message

all about new opportunities and manifestation

you should pick ONE goal and go all in

with consistency and discipline

the world is yours!!!!

hope it reasonated :)

[neighborsfriendsfamily]

Kings of the Court is the Culture Bearer of Local Basketball Communities

Kings of the Court  needs no introduction at all, but if I may celebrate what this huge mission is all about... Us Filipinos who are basketball fans whether we are professional athletes or weekend ballers, we all grew up with the prestige quality of KOTC’s basketball empowerment. They just create the most elegant organized basketball leagues from our home towns up to a higher level of the sport. And seeing the company expand to not just being the core platform of basketball life, and now creating a new access to the sport dream through merchandise or should I say, flags we can wear, it represents their readiness in adapting to whatever decade we may be at. We had a conversation with the Maker of Kings of the Court himself.

So, do you believe you are the culture bearer? Hehe.

If we’re talking basketball culture for the weekend warriors like you and me, I guess yes? But streetwear is a whole different animal. It’s not like we can put our logo in a shirt and people will automatically buy. It’s a different taste, different approach, and trends are ever-changing. KOTC Clothing is a startup and a process I go through everyday and enjoy.

That’s a really bold statement and it gets me super pumped up!!! How’s LIFE and how’s WORK?

Life’s good! I have my 7-month daughter Lianna Lane who’s growing up way too fast. KOTC as a league and sports organizer is completely on hold, but somehow we’ve pivoted to digital where we do graphic design & video editing, handle social media pages, manage paid ads, and execute online marketing campaigns.

Our Kings of the Court PH page is very active as well and I’m happy that we’re consistently visible as a brand. From 120,000+ FB followers in March 2020, we’re now over 215,000 today giving people NBA and local basketball content daily.

In terms of clothing, most of my time is spent on learning the streetwear culture - research, learning the different vibes and styles, branding, e-commerce, production, and a whole lot more. And like I said, enjoy it. I meet a lot of people and learn a lot, taking my “title” away and putting on the apprentice shoes once again.

I want to be an expert in all facets of the clothing business so when I do hire people, I would be able to mentor better and be more aware of the challenges they might encounter.

This is the perfect time for you to speak volumes about KOTC’s heart and soul!!

“Empowerment through elegance and prestige. To make sports dreams come to life. To be Kings of the Court”. This is our guiding principle in bringing the brand where it is right now. It’s like the league was one big book, a saga if you may, and every season was a chapter you turn. Every initiative, prize, league feature, segment, as well as our branding (Gold = elegance; Black = serious and powerful) were all based on this mission statement.

What we did to our leagues and events, I want to transcend to our clothing brand. I want to bring the best stories in every design; stories of basketball empowerment to every person who bears our pieces. With streetwear as our subculture, this is also an opportunity to expand our boundaries in creativity… all with a good cause! Every purchase allows us to help local communities by supporting Mike Swift’s dream to paint 1,000 courts. As of writing, we have collaborated and refurbished 8 courts.

Okay, that’s super crazy to hear. Can we reveal who you are??

Yes! I’m Cholo Legisma. A 5’2 guy who’s never built for the sport but very passionate, competitive, and gritty enough to start and build KOTC.

Without KOTC, who are you?

A 5’2 guy who’s never built for the sport but very passionate, competitive, and gritty enough to start and build <different name, but same concept>.

Hahahaha makes a lot of sense. Talk about BASKETBALL and SPORT as a whole… Go!

Basketball binds people together and it’s truly a culture; a timeless sport that connects generations. Because of its roots, branches grow in the form of lifestyle, sneakers, art, music and pop culture.

What do you think your role is, for your community?

To further champion the union of basketball & fashion. To have anything you wear is an expression of yourself whenever you’re out there.

I envision people to be more conscious of their off-court style, the before-and-after game looks, especially when you play in prestigious leagues such as ours. KOTC’s goal has always been to give you the professional/bright lights experience, so why not push the needle for fashion, #KOTCFits in our term, and metaphorically converts “tunnel walks” into red carpets.

Soon, leagues will not just be about stats, game photos, videos, articles and prizes, but segments for your fits and sneakers as well.

Any super crazy up and coming launches or ideas that we’re privileged to know about??

We’ve just finished the brand’s first ever collab, with Sumptuous.ph. I’m very happy with the turnout as it gave me new perspectives in terms of art and streetwear. Our next collab is Gunner, then we’ll have another one in August, plus there are other brands in the works. Likewise, we’re starting to do retail with partner stores in Manila and outside.

When doors open, KOTC clothing will be integrated into our events - collection releases and collabs through 3x3 and 1v1 tournaments. We’ll be visible to the art and streetwear scene through concerts, expos, and more. Portion of our office will be converted into a studio and we’ll have a spot for a mini shop where people can visit us anytime.

In my mind, when can I visit that studio? Pretty exciting. This is the perfect time where you can speak about your core beliefs in LIFE and WORK!

I feel like my life is a stage and I want to always perform. Being the best is not enough, I always want to be the f*cking best (It didn’t make sense, but it did show you how passionate I am haha).

I agree haha. Lastly, we all want to know the history of KOTC and how it was architected and curated to become what we believe it is to be [culture bearer of local basketball communities].

Actually, “Kings of the Court” was on the bottom of the list when me and my partners were conceptualizing the name. It was unique, but it might be alienated rather than be attractive. Besides, it may sound “trying too hard”.

But then, I thought this was the best opportunity to put elegance and prestige to the recreational level, to empower weekend warriors. It was an opportunity to show that organized leagues aren’t only for the physically gifted. By sticking to the brand and principles, we somehow pulled through.

Thanks to my partners who did UFC-type posters and NBA-type writeups, my video editing ala NBA Jam Session, the prizes and of course, social media, it felt our first season of 8 teams was like a storyline from WWE and participants were so engaged to play. The rest, as they say, is history.

Listen man, I appreciate the opportunity and the time! It is an HONOR, so thank you!

Written & Interviewed by Four

[kimonobeat]

okmusic: aiko “Shimetta Natsu no Hajimari” Interview

aiko has just released her first album in nearly 2 years, “Shimetta Natsu no Hajimari (The Start of a Sticky Summer)”. With 13 tracksーincluding the singles “Koi wo Shita no wa”, “Yokoku” and “Straw”ーthe album practically oozes with its own universe, one where aiko makes you feel the comfortable, moist warmth of another body. We sat down with her to talk about the thoughts and feelings that went into her latest release.

(Thank you parasmichael for the commission!!!)

Making this album gave me so much hope

ーYou’ve really put together a dense, rich album here.

aiko: Yes! It got thicker and denser with each song. It’s a pretty ‘heavy’ album. The moment I listened to all the songs in track list order, I just had this sense that I’d gotten everything out of my system.

ーThat isn’t something you feel every time you finish up an album?

aiko: Well, yes, but finishing this one made me feel that way more than anything else I’ve ever done. I really feel as if making this album gave me so much hope. It’s just... On the one hand, I can’t wait to hear what people will think when they listen to it, but on the other hand, I also get a little nervous about it.

ーWell, I think it turned out just fine! You have absolutely nothing to worry about there. I think it’s a wonderful album.

aiko: Is it? I hope it is. I still can’t listen to it objectively, so I’ve just been relishing all the rave reviews while I’m on tour. (laughs)

ーWhat’s the meaning behind the dramatic title you gave the album, “Shimetta Natsu no Hajimari”?

aiko: I did a spring-summer-fall-winter series starting with the album “Sakura no Ki no Shita (Underneath the Cherry Tree)” [her 2nd album released in 2000]. Or, I guess you could say, I did this thing where I included the season in the title. I stopped doing that for a while after I’d done one whole year, and then after that I sometimes would put what I’d been feeling in the title. When I looked back, it occured to me that it’d been 17 years since I released the album “Natsufuku (Summer Clothes)” in 2001. I just felt like making an album that gives you an idea of what things are like for me 17 years after “Natsufuku”, and how I’ve been spending my summers since “Natsufuku”. That’s how I landed on the title “Shimetta Natsu no Hajimari”.

ーI love the expression “shimetta (sticky, humid)”. The songs you come up with all make the warmth you feel when two people’s bodies touch palpable. I think this album illustrates that even more vividly.

aiko: I often passed through Shibuya on my way home while recording this album. It made me realize just how many people flock there, seeking out contact with other people. On the street you hear people talking about how the number of people who don’t need anything other than their smartphone, or don’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend, or have no desire to get married is on the rise. But it didn’t feel that way to me at all. It seems to me that we’re all still seeking out connections with other people. Watching people get into huge lines to get their foot in the door somewhere, watching parties unfold night after night... It didn’t seem... healthy at first glance, but now I think it’s nice. I really wanted to write about the feelings all the people there harboring, healthy or not, in a song.

ーIt’s actually pretty wholesome, in your opinion, because they just want to feel connected to someone.

aiko: Yeah, yeah. That’s how I feel about it. It’s a bit of a relief to me. I don’t normally come up with concepts when making albums. I just naturally ended up with a lot of songs with topics like that because I was looking out at the city all the time. In the end, I feel like that played a part in the title I chose too.

ーThe album kicks off with “Kakko Ii na (You’re So Cool)”. Your vocals sound so serious and heartbroken in this song.

aiko: Shimada Masanori arranged the first track and the last track, “Dakara (So)”. It’s been a while since I worked with him. I hope the overall vibe of “Kakko Ii na” reminds you a little bit of “Hikouki (Airplane)”, the first track on “Natsufuku”. It’s been 17 years since then... It was just a coincidence but I thought it was funny and kind of miraculous that things turned out that way.

ーThe second track is “Hana ga Saita (The Flowers Have Bloomed)”, an upbeat tune that I’m positive will be a crowd-pleaser at concerts.

aiko: This song was really hard to perform. The musicians were all telling me this was the hardest song they’ve ever done in their entire careers. When I sang it on NHK’s “SONGS”, my guitarist [Iwasaki] Hikaru said, “I’m celebrating myself for coming up with my solo.” (laughs). As far as the lyrics go... The hook in the 2nd chorus goes “Before this song is over / I need to put my key in my pocket and go home”. That part really made me think, “I get that!” when I wrote it. (laughs)

ーAhahaha. You keep thinking to yourself that you need to go home, but you hate leaving your boyfriend so you just can’t bring yourself to leave. Then you shake your head at yourself: “You’ve said that a million times already!”

aiko: Yeah, yeah. (laughs) I think I did a good job representing the stuffy air in a room where you’re hanging out with someone important to you in that song.

ーYou really outdid yourself on this album. I was struck by just how incredible the lyrics were. They’re sharper, the expressions you use are more well-rounded, and yet they still sound quite pleasant to the listener’s ear.

aiko: This time around I threw all the rules I’d come up with out the window. I feel like I was better able to fill my head with words and just write lyrics. It was so fun to turn whatever I was doing, every single day, 24/7, into lyrics, thinking long and hard about myself, and whatever was on my mind at the time. Putting my feelings into words, and connecting with words is something that’s very, very important to me. Making this album made me realize that all over again.

I did a better job than usual of concentrating all my energy into singing

ー”Anata wa (You Are)” is an impressive medium tempo number that hits you right in the chest with the hook.

aiko: I wrote this song last year, and my producer really liked it. I loved the song myself and was super duper happy too. I was like, “For real? I really get to record this song??” It’s the most idyllic song on the album. I really love the way Hama’s [Hamaguchi Takatomo] cries.

ー”Drive Mode” is a fun song with a jaunty, rhythmic sound to it.

aiko: This was the first song I ever wrote with ‘la la la’ as a placeholder.

ーReally!? You’re saying that you started with the melody first? You always start with the lyrics first.

aiko: Yeah! It all started with me wanting to try writing a song in a slightly different way. I normally write lyrics and then come up with melodies for whatever I want to make into a song. This time I started with the song first.

ーAnd how’d that go?

aiko: It was a totally different way of writing, but I guess I never really hesitated. I was able to come up with lyrics on the spot in the studio and write them down. It was super fun.

ー”Ai wa Katte (I Love on My Own Terms)” features your coquettish vocals over an easygoing groove. It’s completely loaded with phrases that make your heart skip a beat, like “I paint my short nails over and over again, telling them to be pretty” or “How are you treating the heart you stole? Are you touching it every single day?”

aiko: Oh, that makes me so happy to hear! Sometimes I just get in this mode where I wanna write lyrics like that, and I really challenged myself to write some of the lines. I usually write a ton of stuff that might come off a little strong, and sort of... summarize. There’s this part in the lyrics of the second chorus where I hear the cool performance my band members did, and I’m practically floating on air.

ー”Yozora Kirei (The Night Sky’s So Pretty)” starts off with breaths, and ends with breaths. Your voice felt so much closer to me.

aiko: Singing this song was a huge ordeal. This album is full of songs I wrote without paying any mind to the range, so the highs are really high, and the lows are really low. It occurred to me just how tough it would be while I was doing rehearsals for my tour... even though I was the one who wrote them all. (laughs) But it also made me realize I was free to make all kinds of songs, and that makes me pretty happy too.

ー”Atashi no Sei (All My Fault)” has a bouncy, ska arrangement. I have a feeling this’ll be another crowd-pleaser at concerts

aiko: I had a ska vibe in mind for this song from the very beginning. I requested that specifically from the arranger. I do a lot of things in my daily routine without taking my earrings off, so I’m constantly getting them caught on my towel and ripping them out of my ears when I get out of the bathtub. It’s annoying, but at the same time I also find it pretty annoying to take them out. That’s the feeling that inspired that song.

ーThe long notes that pop up throughout the song accent it nicely.

aiko: They do, don’t they? I bet that’ll be fun at concerts. I’m already excited about it.

ーNext we have “Un. (Mm-Hm)”. You use long notes to great effect in this song too. The super high note fakes in the second half of the song are also mind-blowing. It gave me goosebumps.

aiko: I’ve never done fakes that go that high or long notes that long before, have I? I wanted to try it... so then I did! (laughs) Singing this song was so much fun. When I was a little kid I would my absolute hardest to memorize the songs I heard on TV shows and the radio. I have vivid memories of just how fun it was to copy the way they sang. It was also honestly super fun to feel like I was able to do something I had never been able to do before.

ーAll the songs on this release give you a sense of just how much you’ve matured as a vocalist.

aiko: I think with this album, I did a better job of concentrating all my energy on singing each and every song. I really felt like I’d sang my heart out when I was done singing. It’s a little different from how I normally do things, but I definitely savored that feeling of accomplishment with every song on the album.

ー”Breathing in Space” has an almost retro-pop melody. It’s just incredible.

aiko: You know how old Western songs and Japanese songs have such simple compositions, and yet they’re so bittersweet they bring tears to your eyes? I think a big part of that might be that they have very honest, simple melodies. Because of that, I wanted to try writing a song with a melody so bittersweet and honest that it would send a shiver down my own spine. I actually said “I did it!” out loud when I finished the song at my house. (laughs)

ーThe ballad “Dakara” ends the album on an emotional note.

aiko: When I finished this song, I wasn’t sure whether to make it the first track or not. I eventually decided that it needed to be the very last song. I was able to include a lot of different kinds of songs on this release, but then I decided to end it with a ballad like I always do. I hope people feel a little bit relieved when this song comes on at the end.

ーI can’t wait to hear songs from this album live on your nationwide “Love Like Pop vol.20″ tour!

aiko: I can’t wait to sing them! I’ve been doing weight training to get ready. I wanna hurl myself at you guys so hard I burn out!