#i feel very isolated from everyone rn and it's making it very hard to be online

[sangcreole]

.

[zeondraws]

It is 4AM in the morning, I should hit the bed asap. But I needed some time on my own tonight, because I've been supressing feelings way too much the past months. (Thought post about random thoughts, no clue if they make sense it's 5AM when I post this)

I found it really hard to talk to friends about my emotions as of recent. One reason might be, that I still suffer some pain I endured from the old work enviroment.

Somehow I often just want to be left alone, I feel very drained most of the time. But that often leads to a loop effect and I isolate myself further.

Like, at the old workplace I was expected to do something constantly, if I wasn't working on anything for over 3min I'd get scolded or yelled at. Or my coworker would become an adult baby and behave strangely. The other coworkers never saw anything wrong with him, so I was extremely afraid that everyone else had something against me. My old boss would side with him from time to time. The constant demand to stay productive was so draining.

In the end I got replaced, I mean I thankfully found a new job by then. But a new person came in, another inexperienced young person who seemed nice and all. Not sure how she is doing in that place, either she fits right in, or my coworker is making her endure the same pain, or he just overworks himself as he usually does. A person who had my job before I came, became extremely demotivated there and simply left to another workplace.

I try to explain this a bit to highlight some difficulties I am experiencing atm... I don't talk to family about my feelings that much. I tried but, they get easily offended if I vent too much. I have no called my dad back in a while, I already know when I call him back he will only be offended. Or maybe I am spiraling rn. My head makes things appear worse than they actually are.

You guys see how much stuff I have been doing on tumblr the past months or so. I don't remember how long it's been, but... I am still in this mindset of constantly working and staying productive. I rest when I can but I always get the feeling "I have to stay productive" and work on stuff, even when I am sick. In a way it helps to not fall into thoughht spirals, tho then I don't give myself enough space to rest.

I don't know what my end goal with this endless productivity is supposed to be, I want to be helpful in some way and feel like I belong somewhere. But even right now I feel like something is missing... I can't grasp this thought, I don't know what my end goal is. Been messing with fmodel so much to get the game work on this for datamining, I posted a thread on the fmodel server and they said the game is fully working with it. Which suprised me, that I was able to achieve that. Was I the first one to do so? I always thought there is someone better than me already. I often just think I will be some replaceable object, where someone else just takes my place. And this thought... spirals in a way- where I think very less of me. Stuff like I will be forgotten anyways or hmm someone better comes.

My family treated me like an object at times, not letting me decide what to do. Old coworker did the same and I am expected to just agree to everything they say. I tried extremely hard to fight back at the old workplace but I was always met with a wall.

Sometimes I would struggle venting to friends, because when I felt the lowest I get very clingy. I think when I saw Muir in game I noticed some similarity in him in me for example. Even tho I hate to admit that thought, but I have gotten way better at being less clingy. Maybe it's because I grew up a bit more. I definitely ain't the same like 4 years ago. But not to sidetrack too much... sometimes I would vent to friends and they'd bombard me with advice or, maybe some advice felt off for me. One friend once said that we're replaceable (job related) and that didn't sit right with me. Some of this advice would put me off so much that I would stop talking about my feelings with anyone, or just one small friendgroup. But I don't mention a lot there. I think... I think what I can see with myself is, I distance myself so much from everyone, I don't dm people to have a normal chat (I think I get very confused when I hear people dm each other all the time, what do people dm each other for...?I wouldn't know what to talk about), maybe I hang out on servers. I don't want to look at my main phone because suddenly so much makes me nervous again. I want to be alone the entire time and the meds stop some emotions from popping up.

So I have random outbursts where I would cry. and I really need to sit down after sleep and find a new group therapy.. today

I put ridiculous standards on myself sometimes, not wanting to appear weak and appear "professional". But my imagination of being professional is basically be emotionless and work without problems. Tho this doesn't make sense, perhaps I worry too much since I noticed some people really like what I do here. And I don't want to let people down in that regard. but I don't know how.

Earlier I was debating on wether it is strong if I show my weakness or if it's better to hide it. Tho hiding doesn't bring much for me, it's rather bad.

Yknow an earlier post where I mentioned I really like Roper? I get the feeling one of the reasons I find him interesting is, because the way he appears. He doesn't seem to show emotions that much, rather monotone and seems to be a hard working individual. Who sadly needs to do way more because Rennick makes things more difficult. Tho like, even if you see him in Marine Control later... he just suffers in silence. Ain't like Trots who went full bananas, or Muir feeling extremely anxious and all. Or Addair wanting to call his kids and Rennick just flat maniac. Roper just, sits there and tries to avoid saying much. Only thing he says is to keep Rennick away. Maybe the deleted soundfile of the scene says otherwise, but in my view it feels like idk he just ain't somebody who would talk about his feelings. Maybe Roper is some visual imagination of what I think a professional is, but I think he probably has different problems that could be way worse. Suppressing feelings is not good, I still have a lot to work on, on myself.

I am sadly getting too tired to continue this string of thoughts...I always feel very awkward posting my feelings on the web. I wouldn't know where else to thow them.

I will post something silly after sleep. I made some dumb screenshots ingame that literally made me giggle for half an hour ioudhwioeu. Okay, goodnight

[thenothlng]

adding more to this in the tags. also found out there’s a tag limit lol (spoiler warnings in tags for lemuria and novus tee hee)

probably a wiz oomfie: tumblr user thenothlng also known as styx pass through here

wizblr: how can you tell???

wizoomf: Wizsein

[journal420]

Also, in light of the new pmmm movie coming out soon (I am also in love with madoka magicia), which magical girls would you assign to each GF character? It can also be characters from Magia Record! I haven’t caught up to the storylines of all those magical girls yet though.

dude. dude. madomagi is my life blood. the new movie trailers made me hyperventalate. ive been waiting for this since 2016 ..... middle school me is crying rn .............

OOOOO THIS SOUNDS FUN OKAY OKAY so.......

favorite character syndrome makes me want to put madoka and stan in the same category. AND THEY KINDA ARE. they both give up themselves to save the world and the people they love (esp because theyve struggled with self worth issues their entire life). BUT ALSO. god stan's whole thing was chaining himself to gravity falls to try and get ford back for 30 years and ... if that aint homura-core ... i dont know what else is...

going off that fanart you rbed from fillerfarts, ford and homura are. very similar esp personality wise. and also being huge criminals with large arsenals of weaponry. ford's quantom distabilizer and homura's nukes are like. the same to me. same energy

the other characters i feel are kinda hard to associate characters with? no one really slots up neatly from the GF cast to the madomagi cast. kyoko and wendy have surface level similarities, but even then kyoko's a hot head while wendy's whole thing is that she's always chill. i think maybe dipper and mabel come close to the sayaka & kyoko relationship? one trying so hard to live up to the idea of a hero and isolating themself while the other reminds them its okay to not be alone. but even then i think maybe its a stretch from me? kyosaya is so good and so specific. if i twist my brain i could see dipper being like sayaka and mabel being the kyoko to that? if youre pickin up what im puttin down? but also i sound like this

mami is such a funny outlier. only girl to not be cursed with yuri instead shes cursed with Insta Death LOLOLOL. god maybe at most i could associate fiddleford with mami? maybe? but thats me also stretching like an olympian

RAAAGHHGHH i just feel like we got lucky with the stans because theyre the only ones with a weirdo fucked up THING going on. the rest of the gravity falls cast are relatively normal, its just the stans are the crazy people. meanwhile everyone in madomagi has something crazy going on

AS FOR THE MAGIA RECORD GIRLS!!!! HONESTLY ??? i uh. erm. i dont really care for magia record (gets boo'd off the stage). ITS A CUTE MOBILE GAME FOR SURE some of the designs are fun but i feel like its just a jank add on to the madomagi story. like im glad its not canon, its just one of the Many Timelines homura goes through that branches off to a happy ending of defeating walpurgisnacht (in the game. the anime is different). i watched the anime and tried to get into the mobile game but it just didnt have the same punch. nothing will ever grab me the way homura and madokas freak situationship did, especially cus everyone in magia record is so Normal by comparison LOLOL

but also this girls design screams candy to me

[mugeesworld]

Hello hellooooo. Feeling shy rn so I am on anon 😺. How are YOU doing? Hopefully well 😁. I see you’re asking for some requests so I have come with one! Preferably SFW, but suggestive is okay too, just nothing too nsfw pls 🥹. I’ve been kinda lost lately? Just feeling pretty bad and feeling like I don’t belong anywhere so I was wondering if you could write something about this with Fem!Reader x Zoro. It can be headcanons or a fic, whatever you feel inspired to write.

Basically reader just feels worthless to everyone. She’s part of their crew and feels lonely sometimes bc she can’t do anything right and just feels like a nuisance. So she starts acting more distant and not smiling as widely. Listens to Nami’s problems, but never tries to talk about her own problems. But Zoro notices it all. So how does he go about addressing the issue and comforting reader?

I hope this all makes sense 😭 feel free to make them lovers or just in the crushing stage? Idk, whatever feels right to you.

And if this doesn’t inspire you to write then you can also ignore this! Thank you 💗

Hi there! I'm doing fantastic lately! Thank you sm for asking♥︎ I'm sorry you're feeling like this right now! I love this idea sm! People always make Zoro sound like some heartless beast ya know. But I think since Zoro keeps to himself he definitely notices things other people would miss. And ofc I'll keep it's sfw! You sound like such a kind and gentle person. I hope whatever you're going through works out for the best! ♥︎♥︎♥︎

Distant Crewmate Fem!Reader x Zoro ♥︎

!Sfw!

You are the most recent joined member of the Straw Hat pirates. Luffy asked you to join after seeing both your skill and your caring/gentle personality. He automatically knew you were someone he could rely on and wanted you on his crew!

Whenever the crew needed advice or someone to listen to them they knew they could ask you. Even if it was just a simple question. You always had the most realistic and helpful advice. Cause of all of that you are known as the strawhats strategist! The crew wouldn't have it any other way. Cause at times when Luffy would rush in with out a plan or if something went wrong you always kept your calm and figured out a plan!

Even though all of the crew liked you their is one member that definitely treated you different from the others. Zoro.

Zoro sees you as someone he wants to keep safe. Even though he would probably never admit that. He sees how hard you try. And even though you're not crazy strong like him and the other members physically. You are very strong mentally. And he looks up to you for that. Having such a big responsibility like yours is not a easy job. And he knows that. Having people rely on you whenever something bad would happen. Having to keep not only yourself calm but everyone around you. He doesn't know how you do it.

So since zoro is more on the quiet side and keeps to himself. He notices when you start becoming distant. Noticing how you are spacing out when people talk to you. How you seem to always be in a daze, stuck in your thoughts. And how you started to isolate yourself in your room. Sometimes even skipping meals. But always saying you're just tired.

How your smile he so dearly loved to see start to fade. He couldn't help but notice that....

This concerned zoro. But when he brought it up to the crew they didn't know what he was talking about and brushed it off. It's not like they don't care. You are just very good at hiding it. Zoro kept a eye on you at all times. Sometimes even falling asleep next to you on purpose so you wouldn't isolate yourself more.

But when it was yalls turn to keep watch one night he had to ask what was going on. Zoro knows he's not the best at comforting people. And that he tends to come off as dense but he truly wants to help you. He cares about your health.

So their you two are sitting beside each other. Waiting for night to pass. In silence. Not a awkward silence but a peaceful, comforting silence. He enjoys spending time with you like this. Sometimes stealing a glance every once in a while.

"Hey y/n can we....talk?"

You quickly pop your head up to look at him. "Of course zoro. I'll happily listen!" you try to say cheerfully but it comes out weak. Zoro takes a deep breath. "Well that's sorta what I wanted to talk about. I know you will listen but.... I want to listen to you this time."

He watches as your breath hitches and your eyes widden. You try to smile but he can still tell it's not the same. "What do you mean? I don't have anything to talk about..." you chuckle. Playing with your hands.

Zoro grabs your hands. Holding them in his. "I know I'm not as good as you at listening but I want to know what's going on y/n. Why are you acting so distant?" he looks up at you. Staring right into your eyes. Desperate for a answer.

You look away. Staring at yalls hands. "I just... I just feel like a nuisance. Like a burden. I'm not strong like you guys. And my last plan didn't go as I planned and-" you try to say, starting to feel panicked and overwhelmed. "Hey hey just slow down. It's ok. You are strong. Hell you're probably stronger then me honestly. I mean you're the only person I know that can come up with a plan so quickly. And you're not a nuisance y/n." he trails off rubbing small circles on your hand with his thumb trying to calm you down.

You feel tears swell up in your eyes. "B-But I want to keep y'all safe and what happened last time nearly got y'all badly hurt...if y'all did get hurt I wouldn't be able to protect y'all well cause I'm not strong" you wipe your eyes with you palm.

"You do keep us safe. Your strategies keep us safe. Think about it this way. We keep you safe with physical strength and you keep us safe with mental strength. No one on this crew has both of those things y/n. Not as good as you at least. The only reason we nearly got hurt was cause WE messed up YOUR plan. That wasn't your fault. It was ours for being reckless."

"But what about-"

"Y/n listen! Their is no but. You are the best strategist. You are strong. You are important to this crew. If you think that was bad before then you don't want to know what would of happened if you didn't give us a plan to start with. Cause I can promise I wouldn't be sitting here with you right now if you didn't give us that plan. If you want to get more strong physically I will train you but their is no reason to stress over it."

Zoro grabs your shoulders. "I don't want to see you like this anymore y/n. I miss your smile....."

He pulls you into a hug. Something you never thought you would experience. You wrap your arms around his back, holding him tightly.

"I care about you y/n....ill listen to you. I promise."

♥︎

This was my first ever request and comfort story so I hope you like it! Idk if I like it or not! I tried to stay in his character. Idk if I did to well on that tho😓 I tried to make his comfort seem more aggressive then usual comfort I guess. Well it's not like it cost money or anything! So if it's bad it's bad lol💀🤦‍♀️

Grammer mistakes probably happened a lot in this so I apologize!

THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING!!! ♥︎♥︎♥︎

[just-a-carrot]

becoming a therapist just so I can administer iggy, gidget, and orlam’s autism + genzou and bucks’ adhd diagnoses myself

I have thought. so fucking hard about this. down to the SPECIFIC TYPE OF AUTISM/ADHD I think they’d have. Psychology is one of my BIGGEST special interests and it’s what I’m studying in college rn !!!!!!!

Carrot allow me to be delusional to you about your own characters for 5 seconds, because this is based off my own personal opinion and signs/symptoms I’ve noticed from the game.

So like, starting off with the GOAT Iggy……..Iggy 100% got that autism that goes detected under everyone’s radar. Like it blends in in a sense. He went through school with people mostly think that he’s just y’know, quiet. Quiet and kept to himself. Doctors didn’t feel a need to diagnose him with anything since his systems were more internal, and if he was showing symptoms they weren’t showing in ways that doctors were stereotypically looking for in the 1990’s. Iggy shows interest in video games to a high degree and 100% could and can tell you about a game down to how long it took to develop, the team of people behind it (Every. Single. One. Of. Them.), and how the creator thought of the concept of it in the first place (especially the Kirby series, which he adores). He’s got the type of autism that people kinda maybe notice but don’t say anything about, but if he told you one day he got diagnosed with it, the people he told would be like “yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, figures.”

Overstimulated VERY easily, takes full days to recover from just that. Often goes nonverbal because of it. Weighted blankets or blanket cocoons ground him. EXTREEEEME social anxiety. Has “silent meltdowns” that mostly take the form of self-isolation but his brain is VERY LOUD during these.

Orlam……….okay, this one is self-indulgent as FUCK but Orlam to me is like, OBVIOUSLY autistic. It’s extremely noticeable. The type of autism people see in a fictional character who doesn’t have autism and goes “he’s got autism.” Donald Triplett’s protege as the next CEO of autism. Bro got an autism diagnosis at the age of 5 but the paper his parents got back just said “Your son got the MEGA ‘tism.” 100% stimmed as a kid constantly whether it was flapping his hands, rocking back and forth, etc. Sensitivity to sound and light at a young age. Weird noises and sounds to himself, never could make proper eye contact, interests in things those would find “weird.” Very analytical and prone to noticing small details. Very awkward demeanor and way of speaking. Holds extroverted traits as well as theatrical way of speaking (which ESPECIALLY showed up in the wonderland) and wanting to speak to people, but either not knowing how to or coming off so off-putting people attempt to steer clear of him.

Pre-reset, he would have meltdowns that were never properly regulated that only got worse after his mom passed. And, let’s face it, these are 90’s kids who don’t entirely understand what autism is. They 100% picked on him for it (especially Genzou). Due to frequent bullying and no support, Orlam never really knew how to cope and handle his autistic traits, so he never really learned how to integrate into society and how to properly learn to communicate with others as an adult. Post-reset, he had a lot more support and empathy from his friends and he was able to explore his extroverted traits as well and learned how to speak to people by copying movie and TV actors (which worked out really well, making him very popular with others because he just always seems to know the right thing to say). (Btw, disclaimer, Orlam’s extraversion does NOT make him any less autistic).

Gidget? Gonna be so honest with you I have zero evidence nor explanation you just gotta trust me on The Vibes Here. Extremely detail-oriented, enjoys making schedules (such as battle plans like in arc 5), has a hard time pin-pointing exact identity and sense of self is complicated. Autism is very hidden/overlooked like Iggy’s.

(also all 3 of them worked IT at some point that’s like autism trait #1)(except for me I’m the exception).

NOW. ADHD.

*points to genzou and bucks* YOU TOO.

genzou and bucks both have hyperactive-type ADHD (meaning their hyperactive traits are more prevalent than their attention deficit traits) to me. both do not have a diagnosis but Oh My God It Is So Fucking Obvious.

They’re both EXTREMELY impulsive and very quick to frustrate (genzou more than bucks on the frustration aspect). both do not know how to make a schedule if their life depended on it (hunar helps bucks a LOT in this aspect).

Genzou’s hyper fixation in bikes started out as a “huh, maybe I will get into it” and just got Deeper. He loves the fact he runs a bike shop now because it also gives him an excuse to talk about them to people.

Both have what I call “adhd explosions” which basically means that when they get overwhelmed and can’t handle it, their brain sort of “explodes” and unleashes all this energy (usually in the form of snapping at others, inability to think properly, stress, etc) until they come back down a few moments later. DO NOT INTERRUPT THEM WHEN THEY ARE LOCKED IN ON SOMETHING, it throws off their groove and pisses them off so much, ESPECIALLY genzou. you basically have to let genzou do his shit until he’s done bc he will get extremely frustrated if he is interrupted from the thing he is Working Very Fucking Hard On And Has All His Undivided Attention On, because once the groove is gone it’s hard to get back into it do to attention deficits. He’s snapped at Iggy once over this, but felt bad immediately after and apologized and explained that you just can’t talk to him when he’s in The Zone like that, or it messes him up and it’s very hard to get back in That Zone (says Genzou, as though Every Person Ever Experiences This)(No, Genzou, you just have ADHD).

Genzou’s motormouth is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALSO a big implication of this. When he said his mouth tends to run away from him or all the times he’s been impulsive and put himself in last-second danger for others? Genzou I’m gonna need you to answer a few questions on this psychological exam………………..bc bestie those are borderline /stereotypical/ ADHD traits).

Bucks’ wildness as a kid also reminds me a lot of myself growing up as a kid with auDHD, so she very very very much is ADHD to me. Her issue with volume control too and the HATRED of being tied down to an expected life and not being able to explore and get out there and be herself as well like…..Girl…….I Know What You Are (neurodivergent)

so yeah those are my Delusional Ramblings on why I think your characters are all neurodivergent and the ways I which I Think They Would Be Neurodivergent :3

oh my gosh... 🤣

this might possibly be one of the longest things someone has written about my chars ever lol. i really love reading stuff like this though... i've had many many ppl write to me about the different headcanons they have for the chars' neurodivergencies. some of them that actually contradict each other (like i've had someone also write an essay on why orlam is NOT neurodivergent) and many that also agree with each other but are slightly different, etc. i feel like the one big consensus has always been iggy but i do see a lot of people bring up a lot of similar things for all the chars

so yeah these are always super interesting to me to read and i absolutely love hearing about people's interpretations and/or headcanons and/or analyses of the chars... it means so much to me to see people want to think so much about them and analyze them and relate to them

thank you so much for writing this up i really loved it 💕

[sthormiiii]

What do you like and don’t like about Aaravos ?

omgomg ty for the question i love talking about my man!!!

(this came out wayy longer than i imagined whoops)

okok so.

the things i love about aaravos are many. starting from the obvious, his design!! he is so so pretty i love startouch elves designs in general (all the concept art in the art of the dragon prince made me lose my mind!!) and also the fact you can get a lot about him from his design, like how he changed after he fell and the way he lost many of his accessories which probably represented his status in startouch society- AND THE BLACK HOLE IN HIS CHEST PROBABLY REPRESENTING HIS HEART???? like, he LITERALLY LOST HIS HEART?????

thennn, we go on his personality! that man suffered for CENTURIES, he had to witness so Much Stuff. he got through so much trauma and lost everyone who he ever cared about. but does that bother him? i mean, yes ofc it does...but despise all of it, he still keeps up his silly personality! and manages to still be himself :33

the thing is, my interpretation of aaravos's character is probably very personal, and most of the things i think about him are from my own headcanons, but!!!! we know he is inspired from prometheus, giving humans magic despise the gods (other elves and dragons) didnt want them to have it. but he still did it. he helped them out when they were struggling, and because of it he got punished.

thats the thing!! he loved humans SO MUCH he couldn't help but help them, even if he knew it would get him in trouble.his love for humans, for magic, for xadia, its what keeps him going, he wants to be free and be able to see xadia again, to see the sky, and feel the grass under his feet! him pre-fall was just,, so so filled with love for everything around him

now.

clearly, he also did some really fucked up stuff (like swallowing killing adidi and probably also luna tenebris) he isn't completely good or completely bad. he's in between and everything he does he does it for a reason which he believes is the right one-

rn hes a psycho, he spent 300 years in isolation and he is full of anger and just wants to see the world burn😞😞 he lost everything and everyone and yes hes the villain rn,, but he still has all that love inside of him. his love for humans...for magic...his need to feel someone, anyone by his side, to know hes not alone- him trying to help viren in s5 (in his own fucked up way) shows that he still cares☹️☹️

so yeah, i just- love complex characters!

now, the things I don't like- this is a hard choice bc i honestly love all his flaws too?? but i would say i dont like how the show handles him lmao.

i could talk about this for hours, but to make it simple i think they are totally wasting his character here. like. we're never going to fully see aaravos in all his shades bc

1) we dont have time for all that

2) even if they somehow manage to give us a glimpse of all the pain and suffering he carries on his back,, i think its a bit too late to make the viewers completely emphasise with him

the whole mystery of aaravos arc should have taken a different direction imo. but desides that, i still love the show sm and i cant wait to see more!!

god i love talking about him.

[baldeslut]

Lies

Warnings: p in v sex, etc just smut again

This is a blurb i wrote on my wattpad! Im just putting it here because i have 2 blurbs sitting in my drafts rn and im waiting till the morning to write it on my laptop bc writing on my phone is a struggle. Anyways enjoy☺️

You're laying on the bed after overthinking what you just told Alejandro. What made you think calling him a bitchy liar would do anything? You loved him too much, but you knew he was right. He didn't cheat on you. The sniffles coming right out of your door knowing he will dash out of the house any second. Just go for it.

"ALEJANDRO" you yell

You can feel the tension in the air becoming more heavy on you. Your heart just paces as you just yelled out his name. As he comes in to your room shirtless, he starts walking towards you. He kisses you sloppily from your lips and down. He places himself under you sitting on the bed with you. No words in exchange but just the sound of heavy breathing all around. As you play around with the waistband of his boxers, his sweats start to fall off from him squirming around. You even try to keep his hips locked by keeping one hand on his hips and the other on the back of his head.

"Mm fuck you Y/n" he says

You chuckle and start pulling his boxers down leaving him bare. His kisses are leaving you weak as you slowly ride on his dick. His hands play with your hair as he gives hickeys all over your neck to indicate that he's yours and only yours. You seize his jaw pulling it away to make eye contact in between your kisses. The tingling and cramping of your thighs slow you down but you'd literally do anything for this man. His puppy eyes looking up at you knowingly that he wanted more, still. He thrusted hard into you; intentionally. It made you gasp. He clasps both of your thighs down to keep them spread apart. The thrusts of your hips set the mood; fast but swift. The way he throws his head back and his jaw loosened just turns you on even more. As you two still making out, your lips slip away from his but still containing the eye contact. His tired eyes look, and both bodies pressed against each other on the huge bed. The soft moans and groans coming from him can just lull you to sleep. Your thighs are numbing, you just can't feel them anymore. You need Alejandro to give you the support. He slaps your ass and puts his grip onto them; one other hand on your hips. Moving them back and forth, up and down bouncing on his lengthy dick. Both of you can be as vocal as you wanted. It was an isolated space, away from everyone. The feeling of pleasure escalating in your body as the sound of skin slapping against each other continues.

Your name slips out of his mouth as you can feel his shaft twitch inside of you knowing that he'll cum in you anytime soon. He tries to make you go a few more thrusts until he cums all over you. You're still deciding if you gonna hold a grudge on him after that, but it can't be.

In any way, you can't let Alejandro down after this.

A/N yes its very short and honestly i dont like it i wrote this back in may😭

[youremyheaven]

Unpopular opinion: Tripti Dimri is on her way to becoming Margot Robbie of Bollywood (saying this with no hate to either because I love both but in context to how men loved Margot till she did Barbie and everyone is just hating on her now for no reason). I loved Tripti in laila majnu and bulbul and I mean I'm sure it has something to do with her plan for her career but Bad Newz is just bad news for her career rn. She's been getting extremely sexualised ever since Animal came out.... Idk what's the point of this film either. Personally I have no issues with the film per se but it's giving 'Revamped Bridget Jones Baby' vibes except usme neither of the men knew who the father is. Plus with the current situation of women hating going on people are going to be like see this is what women do and shit! Idk why everyone is making women the villains 🥲

I really don't want it to be the case but I don't think Triptii is going to have much of a career unless some miracle takes place and she begins to be recognised as a serious actor

It's so fcked up how Animal was the movie that gave her a big break 😔 a movie where an Outsider like her had to literally lick a Nepokid's shoes 😔😔 Vanga is such a violent misogynist, I hope he's rotting and never makes another film

I wish she hadn't done Animal because I don't think she gained anything from the film. The whole "national crush" thing is fake PR hype and most people don't find her attractive or feminine and slut shame for that movie :((( the amount of comments I see on IG reels about her calling her "cheap" or "masculine looking" is insane 💀

I know she made a ton of money and achieved mainstream recognition post - Animal but at what cost???

And she's Pushya Moon 😪😪 doing a film that clearly went against a principles is not going to help her in the long run (Saturnians always suffer when they act contrary to the rigidly righteous nature of Saturn)

If she had stayed on her indie film trajectory she would've eventually received a big break. Maybe it would've taken longer but she'd have been taken seriously as an actor and enjoyed a much better reputation.

I don't want to sound like I'm blaming her because as an Outsider with a handful of films under her belt, Triptii wasn't in a position to turn down a film as big as Animal and I get that. But she's now isolated herself from every demographic. The average Indian just thinks she's cheap or slutty because of her nudity and sexuality in the film (not the greatest first introduction for an actress in India) and the woke liberal crowd thinks she's a sellout lacking intergrity for working with an asshole like Vanga in a movie as horrendous as Animal.

Right now, Triptii is standing on shaky ground. Idk how big of a hit Bad Newwz will be or what it'll do for Triptii's career but the way it's currently going, I feel like she'll do a handful of films and then dip. She isn't really focusing on picking good scripts and is going for commercial appeal which I understand but I don't think the Indian general public likes her very much atp for her to sustain herself as a commercial actress 😔😔😔

It's really hard to be a female superstar in India and only a handful of women have ever achieved it. Hema Malini, Sridevi, Madhuri Dixit and to lesser extents Aishwarya Rai & Deepika Padukone. They're all women who were "known" for being traditional and modest irl (a lot of times it wasn't actually the case but at least they tried to maintain that image lmao and it worked) and they were also more cute and beautiful than straight up sexy 😶‍🌫️

I hope it all works out for Triptii and at least she'll make hella $$$$

I hate that Outsider women are treated like they're disposable in this industry whereas untalented nepo kids like Janhvi and Sara repeatedly get big budget movie offers even though they haven't had a hit in years lol. They'll never be written off like an Outsider and be given endless chances to prove themselves.

Nepotism sucks

[with-love-from-hell]

Kinda rambly so bear with me, but what do you think of Simeon's character in Nightbringer? I don't know why but in the timeframe of Nightbringer, compared to the first game, it feels like he's not only fallen for the MC incredibly fast (The brothers, at least can be forgiven for falling so fast and hard because they did so in the first game and the whole "Red string of fate" and being in such an emotionaly vulnerable position to begin with) like, we can assume Simeon falls for the MC sometime in Season 2, he at least likes her enough to steal from Michael but doesn't throw his hat in the proverbial ring until season 3, but in Nightbringer he's already declaring his love and wish that he had someone like MC in his life and it just leaves me like "Sir, you're at an 11 right now, I need you to tone it down to a 5" which is nuts because Simeon was one of my fave characters in the origonal game but here it feels very intense very fast.

Sorry it took so long for me to get to this anon. I have been very busy and life is stressful haha. Looking for another part-time job to help with my shit finances has also been exhausting, and I am not sure when I will get a respite from financial burdens tbh, so writing anything has been a lot for me rn.

Maybe spoilers? so read under the cut.

I was caught off guard by Simeon's "head over heels" attitude early in the game, but then again I was by all the characters. It all felt very rushed, though I suppose the implication is there has been lots of time passed with the characters based on a lot of devilgrams where they still don't know you're a human.

But Simeon specifically though intrigues me. I reason that the reason he falls faster in NB than the original timeline is because he's lonely. Like, the brothers (Lucifer especially) were the closest to him, and he seemingly lost a lot of respect amongst other angels given he stepped down from being a seraph, so I think that he feels incredible isolated from everyone but Luke, who clearly he has taken under his wing.

I can imagine he feels a bit jealous watching the brothers get doted on by some random other demon, and be accepted with open arms by Diavolo- on top of the fact that they all still have each other despite the trauma of losing Lilith. Simeon doesn't really seem to have...well....anyone. So being desperate for connection is probably what makes him fall faster in NB, at least in my mind. After the first few eps where he appears and is overly clingy, I thought about it more and this seems to make the most sense to me!

[hard--headed--woman]

I struggle to sympathize with detrans people especially bc I made a lot of trans/enby friends on TikTok before I peaked, and it’s impossible to get through to them even simple stuff. I get some certain situations like homophobic parents or being young af, etc. but there has to start being some personal accountability put in place, especially now that this stuff has gotten more mainstream now. If one is putting all these hormones in the body, and getting these surgeries and ppl in their life are telling them hey wait or think, and they’re pushed as bigoted, who’s to blame five years when the regret settles in? How far should we be pushing this? I feel like in the US ppl have gotten comfortable blaming everything on capitalism or racism (and I say this as a black woman) but there are fine lines. I can’t lay down on the street rn then blame a car when I get hit. It’s sad but it’s true.

It's a complicated subject and I don't want to get into victim blaming by saying that detrans people got what they deserved and that they should have thought twice about it, and so on. We all know that the pressure of the TQ+ community is extremely powerful, that it forbids anyone to criticize anything that concerns it, or even to question anything; it acts like a cult and when you're in it, it's hard to realize all the fucked-up aspects of this community, and that therefore it's easy to go with the flow and make mistakes without realizing how serious they are. All it takes is for someone to start frequenting the tq+ side of the internet at a very young age (as many people do) and/or feel very bad about themselves/come from a homophobic family etc... and then it's unfortunately very easy for them to fall into the trap of trans ideology and start transitioning. Especially as supporters of gender ideology insist that any criticism of transitioning or transidentity is bigotry, encourage people to block "terfs" because "they just want you dead and don't know what they're talking about, it's just hate, don't listen to what they're saying!", and encourage people to stay locked in their bubble, isolating them from any outside criticism or opinion. It then becomes very difficult for people to question anything, to have access to different opinions, to criticism, to people explaining what's wrong with the transition. It's really hard to realize what you're doing when you're stuck in a cult. Add to that the misogyny and suffocating homopyobia of society and the result is conducive to falling into the trap. So I completely understand the detrans people and support them; I'm glad they've managed to escape this ideology and detransition.

I think that yes, there's a certain amount of personal responsibility to be admitted, especially for people who transitioned at over 25, because it's too easy to blame everything and everyone without saying "yes, I made a mistake even if it wasn't entirely my fault", but I wouldn't go so far as to say that detrans people should be totally blamed.

[cardiac-arresting-sweetheart]

Hey 🔥🔥

stray cat, hissing, claws, whiskers, catnip

also hi i miss you (gonna read more of the book of bill later!)

HAIIIIIIIII ^_^ YIPPEEEEEEEEEE

original post

answering for 💐 and ☀️ ^_^ (because idk bow emoji well enough to answer these yet to be honest GHHHH it's not personalT_T)

stray cat ♡ how do you feel when your darling interacts with others? do you try to isolate them?

💐 : i don't think about it much tbh.. probably because i don't see it. She's in my head. lmfao. so ? it's hard to answer. i can imagine how i'd feel though... i honestly don't think i'd get very jealous. i don't really get that jealous with Her... i am a bit possessive, yeah, but i don't think about it too much. maybe if She were with me in person or even as an online friend.. i'd probably be more possessive and want to isolate Her.

☀️: can i choose not to answer ? /silly IDK LIKEEEEEE i get jealous so easily it's embarrrassing... i don't wanna talk about it... /silly . i wouldn't ever want to isolate them because 1. would feel too bad 2. would not be the best option for xem at all!!!!!! so no to that.

hissing ♡ are you jealous or possessive when it comes to your darling? if so, what makes you jealous or possessive?

💐 : eee i kinda answered this in the last question but ya a bit..? i'm not very jealous but more possessive. i want Her to only need me. and no one else ^_^ but i feel pretty confident in the fact that She only wants me, i guess. the thought of Her being with someone does make me homicidal though. teehee

☀️: UNFORTUNATELYYYY T_T SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME THE EVIL THOUGHTS!!!! lmfaooo okay. Yeah i do it's pretty bad. it's not as bad as it has been with other darlings but gawd it's annoying. like get out of my head thoughts PLEAAAAAAAASE okay i'll stop

claws ♡ how do you react to any obstacles between you and your darling? what about if they cheated on you or broke a promise?

obstacles: i just. manifest them away ^_^ that's always what i try to do. or try to communicate my way through them but sometimes that doesn't... work... or i decide that that's too direct, i guess? like... sometimes i'd rather deal with it indirectly because i worry about the outcome. not really in an anxious way it just feels like i'm being cautious.

cheated or broke a promise:

💐 : IF SHE CHEATED I WOULD LITERALLY FUCKING KILL HER. deep breaths. okay. ^_^ teehee. i would probably scream at Her for several hours and undergo The Biggest, Most Awful, Most Tragic Split in Human History (/ref) and idk if i could ever even get over that my god . but breaking a promise i usually dont really fucking care anymore because She's such a liar (it feels very funny to capitalize Her pronouns as i'm doing this because i'm full on slandering her rn LMFAOOO) lollllllllll ^_^ oh well.

☀️: um explode? I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE THAT HAPPENING i think that would cause me to die instantly idk man. I CANT EVEN IMAGINE IT?!?!!? idk!!!!!

whiskers ♡ how close are you with your darling?

💐 : Merged Souls. all i need to say. Ok let me actually explain more LMFAO. i feel like She's the one i'm closest to in all of my relationships out of everyone i've ever known. it's hard to explain. like i know Her so well and feel so weirdly comfortable with her. like She knows everything about me.. so it's hard not to feel close with Her lol

☀️: i dunno >_< i feel like we're pretty close but we could be closer. i haven't known xem for that long either soooo i dunno! just gotta give it some more time i imagine. i can be patient if i need to be... :3

catnip ♡ what are your favorite things about your darling?

... i will take this as an excuse to enter my weird poetic descriptions.

💐: i choked on Love and felt it bubble up until it engulfed me, leaving me empty from nothing but Her. i could not even see the sky, i could not reach out with my hands. yet Love was the womb - yet its warm was of viscera and blood and ugly insides. i found Her everywhere around me even as i began to regain consciousness: in the walls in the floorboards in the air. i choked on Love again but coughed it out. it stained my hands for the rest of time.

i woke up again and didn't know i had fallen asleep. i felt Her energy envelop me, and i couldn't call it warmth nor cold - simply a blazing fire, entirely its own. entirely Hers. i suffocated myself in the smoke, let Her take my life. it always had belonged to Her anyway.

☀️: it's always the sun; after years of drowning myself in the moonlight, hiding away in the day, i forgot how the light felt on my skin. like a cat, i sunbathed - basking in the radiance. i reached out and felt warmth reach back to me, cradling me as if a delicate newborn kitten. at that moment i was so close to shatter, yet i remained.

and in every phase of the sun, it maintains its own sort of beauty. i could never put my finger on it, but as i lift my head and stare back, i find it. simple as ever. oneself entirely.

^ this all makes sense to me and answers the question. Somehow. did get a little bit sidetracked however HAAH

I MISSED YOU TOO!!! (i say as we are talking live in action) ^_^ hope u have fun yippee

[nerves-nebula]

2012 has so much room for character analysis. And analysis in general.

I watched it when It was coming out on tv and have been rewatching it for the past couple months very slowwwllllyyyy. Shshsbbdd

Anyway I'm just getting nna ramble my analysis in your direction.

Starting with Mikey! Par tof the reason people sorta cling to Mikey I think is cuz like, splinter sorta ignores him.

It's this sorta odd thing going on where we have scenes like splinter telling Donnie to act more like Mikey cuz he's thinking to much and it's impeding his abilities cuz he's overthinking. Which, is an attempt to address Donnie's anxiety albeit in not the best way but it sorta worked?

Which means splinter is acknowledging mikeys fighting prowess. And that Mikey not thinking to hard and just doing is a good skill to be able to execute.

But ALSO, we get a scene of when the boys first got their weapons, and splinter tells everyone why they're getting what weapon, and why they'll enjoy it. Except Mikey. Mikey just gets nunchucks. Which, is dead ass the hardest weapon to wield there so what the fuck dude?

And Mikey is, so fuckin smart. His brain just in Canon goes too fast for him to remember words and shit. He's so adhd frfr

But Leo is dead ass the golden child. Like, everyone asked to be leader, cuz they are teen boys, but splints chose Leo cuz "he asked for it" and then instills all his ideals in him! He's treated like he's the best at everything and is expected to be the best at everything AND to care for his brothers. And he can only feels like he doesn't really have a life. Which leads into the whole Leo develops a crush on his half sister while not knowing she's his half sister nonsense.

Donnie is just, he's the smart one. He's stressed all the time, but also a. Fucking simp who is never reprimanded by his dad for how he treats april, which he really should be! Having mindmap of every possible way an interaction could go with her is creepy! And literally stalking her!!!! Donnie's also the one who deals with Timothy and he gets in trouble for it with splints despite not even wanting to be dealing with it himself. It's a mess.

Raph has just, obvious anger issues. And splinter does not address them in a healthy way frequently. It's a lot of, "just breathe" and Raph is just: "I want to punch someone or something yesterday."

OH and splint sets his brothers shoot him with plungers while yelling at him and roah like, has a whole ass panic attack. That manifests aggressively cuz raphs anger oh so obviously comes from anxiety. But splinter like never picks up on that.

2012 splints treats the boys like students more then sons ALOT. But also cares about them enough to do shit like, break brain control cuz he didn't wanna kill them ✌️

I could probably word that better but I'm still a little high on laughing gas rn cuz I just had a dentist appointment.

yall be out here writing fandom dissertations & shit after going to the DENTIST yknow what I do after going to the dentist??? lay around in mild agony cause my sensitive ass teeth hurt...

anyway these are fun times.

i still cant get over the fact that i made my neglected turtles stay underground and never go out as a way to reflect my weird family isolation as a kid and then i watched the first ep of 2012 and it was like "yea they're fifteen and they've never left the sewers. they only know each other" and im LIKE!! WHAT!! THEY'VE LITERALLY ALMOST FINISHED PUBERTY AND THEY NEVER LEFT THEIR HOME???? THEY ONLY KNOW EACH OTHER????

i dont think the writers understand how fucked up that makes you and your relationships to people and its just like a part of the turtles story i guess???

LIKE THINKING ABOUT IT, I GET IT, and im sure thats how it is in a lot of tmnt iterations, but thats crazy. these boys would be so fucked up irl.

sorry for the ramble i just aint got much to say about ur analysis, cant say if i agree or not cause i aint even watched much 2012 lol.

[visionthefox]

Sun didn't actually scream or anything surprisingly, he was more quiet and resigned, hopeless, the episode had him finally start to really question what he was put through with Old Moon, and now New Moon, how he realizes Old Moon was a toxic person, how much he got hurt by him, he even questions if he'd want a life without Moon considering how badly he's been hurt, but immediately feels awful for saying it, he hates that he even feels anger because feeling anger reminds him too much of being infected with Eclipse and he hates that too, he recalls the other dimension he went to where Moon kept his Killcode and Eclipse never appeared, where they seemed happier, not perfect but happier, yet there was no Lunar or Earth, and he questions if Moon was never there if he'd be happy or go insane from the isolation, that he acknowledges Moon could be good and kind, but there's so much worse stuff he's done, all the anger and pain, that outweighs the good, and he still is absolutely shocked and is having a hard time processing that Moon tried to kill Earth and questions if Old Moon could've ever been pushed to hurt them like that, that he's terrified, it doesn't feel like he's processed everything as there's a lot and the episode sort of cut off weirdly, but I am surprised it took this long, and took so much going wrong, for Sun to finally have this conversation with himself, because everyone who's been through an abusive situation like this if given time to think will have this conversation, it feels like Sun's finally starting to realize how bad things were and are, I do not believe he disowned Moon here as some people think but he's reaching his limit with all the hurt and he has every right to be very upset at the moment with Moon's relapse, especially since Earth is still injured after getting burned by star power, and besides I doubt the show would make them permanently separate, so that's what happened, and Jack facilitated it, hugging Sun and reminding him there are people who still love him

huh.. well thats not something I expected- actual development in Sun? woah!

like I know I sound sarcastic but man- I was here when Eclipse was introduced! Im THAT old of a fan- so to finally have Sun take a step back from the yell and cry to finally see all the hurt he's been put to by someone he wanted to call family.. is a lot

but a lot in the right was as you said- he is finally seeying how bad his own abuse was- because he always made it small- a joke to laugh at because no one else cared- Monty beat him up too- yet no one cared until now- when people from outside told him thats not ok

or are you gonna tell me- having many sticks to hit your brother was actually that funny? mh?

I knew the ep wouldnt end in any good way to feel satisfactions- thats something I been feeling for most eps rn- is feels rushed , somethimes full- but cut down too fast- others so dull and long is feels empty..

but the fact he is finally thinking of it all is a step no matter what.. then again- the fact its happening NOW is bothering.. personally

he had a chance to have all of this thinking when he blew up Moon's space lab- when he had his break down- I always said that was his moment to finally reach his limit- no more cry but a yell of anger and determination to put a stop to his own abuse- he got far enough to face Eclipse- he could have gotten a better arc but Earth showed up..

what I think his new arc is , is that of the Older Brother- no longer the one to cry in the side- or the one to shake and need guide- but the one who finally stays calm , sure suffers, but is focused.. hes been showing this change ever so slowly- yet I think this is the final drop to finally FINALLY make him the protagonist he was supposed to be..

that or Davis choose to have him go back to be a side character by having someone else step in- be the leader and fix it up- leaving Sun with just another ep were fans worry- then the showrunners make fun of it all.. but I hope is not the case again- I dont want another "show he is not ok- then say he is ok"

like - please just have him be the protagonist of his own show- have him face Moon- maybe do a parallel to the Bunker scene- The OG one with Sun talking sense to a insane Moon , but Sun stays serious- he tells Moons his truth..

that sure- Moon arent perfect- they are not meant to be the kind one, they are meant to be a bit bad but have their good side- old moon - despite it all- choosed to leave his own coding , his own written instinct aside to give the person he was made to live with a better life.. he loved Sun more than he loved Himself..

Sun should be the one to face the one he was once merge with, the one he knows better that anyone else- even Monty- he lived with Moon for more than 10 years by the lore canon- he should be able to face him- and maybe, just maybe tell him he didnt failed- sure mess up but.. he doesnt have to be the villain Creator originally wanted him to be..

or anything really- just .. I want Sun, if he really is finally facing his own shadows and traumas, to face it directly, face the person who hurted him- and finally end the circle..

aah long post so sorry

[mydysfunctionalvampirefamily]

I can't believe Neil talking through the bathroomdoor got a little giggle out of me. After we've been through so much.

"no I'm sad" me too, buddy, me too.

Hell yes. That's what we need some fucking girl sex talk. Smth a little light, a palet cleanser.

Oh wow Neil and Britta talking about the kidnapping. 👀👀👀

Wait does Neil not get that she wanted to save him? Or does he not get she did ALL THAT to save him? Two very different things.

Britta finally really talking about all her feelings and experiences during the kidnapping.

And Neil talking about his feelings too. 😭

The quiet "well..." from Neil when Wynn says Britta's feelings for pendragon aren't wrong. 😂

Lmaooooooooooooo Neil why don't you tell them how you really feel about Pendragon.

Lmao are Wynn and Neil like some devil and angel on Britta's shoulder rn.

Johnny opening the door for Miles! 👀👀

Ohhhh bearded kindred. Intriguing. 👀

Oh wow toreador justicar, who is the cruellest of them all. Pretty in the way that a praying mantiss is. Yikes.

Idk if hand holding is comforting.

"I hear that you (Miles) don't have a lot of time, anymore." I'm sorry but subteefuge cannot be one of her main skills. 😂 So obvious.

Oh no. Ventrue call their sire's sire Grand sire? Lmaoooooo why is that the whitest thing they could ever do??? Goddamn you should all be wearing fucking powdered wigs!

Wowowowowow we're not gonna explain this weird disappearing needle gift???? I don't trust it.

Omg they're crushing Pieterzoon's skull right there!!!

And now we're back in therapy?? Goddamn.

Fuck Britta, I love you, but girl you need some goddamn therapy! Like damn girl, you have self worth issues.

Fuck me, I know I have said this before but I need Wynn to be my mom.

"What if I like him, because I'm like him.".... Just mouth open. Girrrrrrrrrrlll.

Wynn using her degree in psychology once again.

I guess this is also a little bit of therapy for Neil, as in that he at least vocalise it.

Neil really succinctly summed up the slippery slope of any abusive relationship. How they draw you in, and slowly change you and isolate you from everyone and they start asking things of you and at first you think it's fine, but it becomes more and more and at a certain point you think you might not want to do it but you alrwady did so much else and you don't want them to leave/hurt you so you keep doing it because it feels like there is no other choice.

Lmaooooooooooooo Neil just so practical, steamrolling this poor girl! 😂

Them talking about bad feeding.

Yeah right. Neil going to see Nara? I'll believe it when I see it. Consider me distrustful. e.e

Neil does not like Pendragon lol. And he's not shy about it.

Aw Britta, you need a hug, and therapy.

Fuck, we're back with Miles. Damn holy fuck. Oh god! 1 success due to willpower! Wooooh

Johnny's got Miles's back. 🥰

Ugh. Hardestadt is the worst. I hate him.

Yes!!! Lucita! 😂 What???? Kabir???? Weathers???? Amaya??? And Xavier??? Lmaooo! This is insane, but it makes me crazy happy!

Yes Kabir kiss her and make her feel connection!

NOOOOOO they cannot go fight yet. 😭😭 I needed more talking, more hugging!!

Weathers 😭😭😭😭 not wanting to take Johnny's car. He's such a good man.

Daaaamn they thought Miles just wanted them to grab the glowing ashes??? It's good to know that Miles stopped him though.

Oh my God! Pendragon lied for Johnny and the coterie!!! Intrigue!

Wynn caring about Neil's fanny pack. 😭

I REALLY like Amaya, she's a delight. (also I am still feeling vindicated about the fact that she was sometimes called Amara and that I wasn't just crazy for writing that down in some liveblogs).

Britta and Pendragon. 👀👀👀

"Speak" RUDE!

"It doesn't matter." (about kissing breaking the ritual) Okay that's pretty damn hot.

"I'll see you after." damn that must be hard to hear when you're convinced that person is going to die.

[hardtchill]

For me it’s very similar to the other anon. I’m turning 25 this year and I’ve still not got my bachelors degree because I had to quit my first go around at uni since i physically couldn’t learn for my exams. Granted it was compounded by other issues such as depression and anxiety but i genuinely believe that a not insignificant part of those issues come from the fact that adhd makes it near impossible to organise myself (unmedicated btw).

Seeing this on my feed rn is kind of ironic since even though im in my third year of a degree that I actually enjoy now, I literally dropped out of an exam that I was supposed to write today cuz I couldn’t revise. It’s not like I didn’t have the time and I’ve known for weeks about the deadline, but with every assignment or exam I push my own boundaries further and further back until I can’t do it anymore. Last semester I crammed 84 pages worth of notes in under 48h, an exam mind you that I’d pushed back over a year and was literally my last shot or I’d not be allowed to continue with my studies. I barely slept, I was throwing up, but I somehow passed, and with a good grade at that. Since then my brain is like, well you managed to do that that one time so you can totally afford to wait until the DAY before an exam to finish it. Or write a 15 page paper in a day.

And you know what, maybe I can. But the problem is the cost. It’s killing me. I find that it’s also very isolating cuz generally people don’t have a lot of empathy for this? So I end up pulling back from everyone including my best friends until I’m at a point again where I can be around people without letting on how incredibly bad I’m doing. Or I just straight up lie so they don’t know that I’ve not done the things i said I would do.

And all this is not just within the framework of academia. It’s also impacted my wellbeing in a more general sense - cooking for myself is hard because I tend to not listen to my body’s cues until I’m on the verge of passing out cuz i forgot to eat or drink, or by the time I’m hungry I still have to make a meal so I end up ordering something cuz it’s faster. Same with showering daily or brushing your teeth. Getting any routine started in general and sticking with it. I’ve been meaning to start exercising again but I keep delaying it for no reason. I’ve worked out regularly in the past so I know it’s something that I enjoy and that makes me feel good but despite that I’m still stuck in this place of inertia? It’s awful.

I’ve talked to some friends who also have adhd about it and the inability to start something cuz it isn’t instantly gratifying or that doesn’t align with an interest but is an obligation is quite common. Can I binge 7 seasons of a reality show in a week if it really interests me? Hell yeah! (I do watch everything at 2x speed cuz everyone talks too slow lmao but still). Will i fly through a massive book and literally forego sleeping if it means getting through more of it if im really invested? Absolutely. 1500 puzzle? Massive Lego set? Yep! Taking notes from a textbook for an assignment? Literally kill me right now.

I’m sorry for this long ass message and idek if you’re gonna read all of this but yeah just wanted to share my experience. Adhd is absolutely not quirky or a superpower and I wish there was a better understanding of it out there because it makes me my own worst enemy every day.

Ugh anon i feel you so much. I have skipped on many an exam during my bachelors because i just couldn't concentrate, focus or start revision. It's completely miserable to literally see the time go by where you feel the stress but you just cannot get your brain to start on what you need to do.

Any time i told teachers and now colleagues that i work well with deadlines i get told i'm not motivated enough because if i was i wouldn't need deadlines. That's just so unfair! My brain is graving dopamine, it's not laziness that my brain does this, it's literally just ADHD.

This is the same reason why your brain (usually) jumps into action when that crippling anxiety hits, because you're so close to a deadline that your brain can smell the dopamine.

The only reason that i finished my 6 month thesis is because i had many mini deadlines during those 6 months. I felt the anxiety to finish a part of it every month and i had a teacher who was very nice and gave you compliments when you did (DOPAMINE). If i didn't have that i would still be writing my thesis now.

ADHD is so misunderstood by so many people. It affects every part of your life and the negative consequences are so much bigger and impactful than the potential positive outcomes. I mean yeah i'm creative and can think fast, awesome but that doesn't make up for the anxiety, stress and grief you go through anytime your brain just doesn't want to start something.